Lyrics - Chad Neidt

first song on the album
This is the first song on the album
It better be good cause it's the first one
Don't wanna turn people off in the first 10 seconds
And make em start having second guesses
About the money they just spent
Unless they downloaded it
Illegally which would make me happy
Cause it means I have a popular CD
In today's backwards music industry
If you're being robbed it means you're probably awesome
But I get ahead of myself
Here we go now it's time to start the show
This is my first CD where I get to be
Funny, happy, sad, mad, totally Chad
but it’s not what I do for my job mainly due
To the fact that this first track lacks a catchy dubstep drop
NEVERMIND
I want you to know that I've changed my sound
because a guy with a guitar isn’t in right now
I'll never get a record deal from being myself
But I could probly get one being everyone else because
There's no way that this song will one day be put on
The radio ‘cause the 2nd chorus has different words and flows poorly
But oh well guess I'm not meant to sell lots and lots
of CDs, T-shirts, and hoodies ’cause I only appease myself
Alright enough of this goofy ass lyrical nonsense
Comedic words are my first line of defense
But underneath all that is my mental fat
That I lose every year then gain right back
And I question if I really have the heart
To go the distance in this game called art
Is it more about doing what I think is funny?
Or compromising that to make more money?
I'm told it's a combination of the two
And if you do it long enough it stops bothering you
Oh really? So that's how this whole thing works
And all this time I thought you put the art first
But now I get it so I'll stop going crazy
Cause I’ll get paid to be generic and lazy
Which means I should probably end this song
with a generic chorus that lasts way too long
no thanks
Here we go this is how I start the show with a vow
That this CD will be completely unfiltered me
So get ready to be weirded out
The first half I will try to make you laugh
Then I'll slide sneakily deep in my psyche
Filled with worry and misled dreams
Sunny-Side up
Talking to you, one on one, face to face
But your eyes keep staring down then back up
I start to blush my cheeks get red I'm sorry I
Thought puberty was over too
Stop looking at the zit that's on my chin please
I cannot help it that I still get these
Trust me I would have popped it last night
But that was when it was red and not white
A premature mound of puss
But now it's getting between us
It doesn't help that we are under fluorescent light
If it weren't white I'd tell you it's a spider bite
Every time you stare at it your face looks like
Someone farted and you just caught a whiff
Stop looking at the zit that's on my chin now
Like it's a seven-headed, one-eyed cow
I know that I'm a guy but I'm desperate
Can someone spare some make-up for this zit
Don't tell me you've never done it
Just a dab of foundation
This pimple is making me feel so small
And that's hard to do cuz I'm tall
Excuse me one moment our talk we'll resume
once I return from the bathroom
Where I'll
Begin Squeezing,
Pushing, forcing,
Mutilating, so frustrating
3-2-1 go, this Volcano
Is about to blow
Now the zit is draining like a half cooked egg
When you poke the yoke and invoke more yoke
I return feeling more confident
Continue please and tell me just where were we?
But you're still
Staring at the
Glaring at the
Frowning at my
Scowling at my
Dried up blood clot
The dark dot in the red spot
I can't win
john mcClane
The other day I was walkin' in the rain
When I was approached by John McClane
He gave me a gun and said c’mon son
You better stop walkin’ and get ready to run
All of a sudden the bad guys returned
With a chopper this time and bullets to burn
John said, “Take the wheel,
I got myself a chopper to steal”
But before I got the chance to get locked and loaded
In front of my eyes a semi-truck exploded
Somehow me or neither John were hurt
But the bad guys came so we hit the dirt
Right then and there, he jumped from the car
Onto the chopper’s landing gear bar
Reached one arm up, pulled one guy down
Then hopped inside without making a sound
He yelled, “Take cover shoot on the dime!”
Then we both activated bullet time
Flying through the air, we fired away
Dodging every bullet that was at bay
He snuck up on the pilot, then broke his neck
Then he took control before he got in a wreck
Swooped down to me and said, “C’mon son.
In less than five minutes that bomb is done”
Back flips, front flips, cross-armed strafe
I was movin’ like a pro and not playing it safe
Then I ran outta bullets but I didnt care
‘Cause I just did a drop kick in the air
We flew to the roof where the bomb was at
Knowing that we only had one minute flat
To stop the timer from ticking down
Before the whole damn town fell to the ground
And with all that the bad guys were gone
Then John said, “We still must defuse the bomb!”
I said, “Bomb? What Bomb?!” He said, “Follow me,
We only got ten minutes to save the city...”
Luckily we found a pair of pliers
But do we cut the blue green or red wires?
Beep beep every second went by
Every beep signifying when we might die
He hot-wired a car
Then he floored it with both doors ajar
Weavin’ through traffic from lane to lane
This was just another day for John McClane
Ten seconds left, the beeps got louder
Seven seconds till this town is just powder
Five—four—three—tick tock
But it turns out the beeps were my alarm clock
concentration
Little babies dying and coughing up blood
People drowning everywhere because there was a flood
New born puppies burning in the fire place
Crying uncontrollably cause I was sprayed with mace
These women all turn me on at a faster rate
So I think about them when I fuck an ugly girl
Oh no
I know it all sounds awful it makes my senses numb
But this is what I think of when I have sex and I don't wanna cum
Just yet
Angelina Jolie, Rebecca Romijn
Demi Moore in Striptease but not in G.I. Jane
I'll try my best to focus, keep my mind on the prize
Cause it will go for nothing if I open my eyes
I'll think of starving children, I'll think of Ghangis Khan
I'll picture both my Mom and Dad getting it on
I'll try my best to focus, remember not to flex
But most of all I'll think of anything but sex
I open my eyes
Oops I opened my eyes
And fucked an guy
Carmen Electra, Halle Berry
Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Connelly
Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman
Eva Longoria and Charlize Theron
What about me?
I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it fast
Forget the people who are in my past
Unless they can introduce me to
Some Hollywood producer who
Can help me skip some steps along the way
And make a name for myself here in LA
Then laugh at the people who can barely pay
Their car, their gas, their acting class
Their rent, their bills, their weight-loss pills
Their gym membership, their pecs, their tits
Their $70 parking tickets
Fuck everybody it's easy to see
That no one else is as deserving as me
I've put in my time now it's time for my time
but Why isn't anyyone waiting in line to see me?
What about me?
I'm working 60 hour weeks
Driving back and forth between the Hollywood peaks
At night I start my moonlighting
Taking names and networking
If I'm lucky I get a couple hours of sleep
I count calories and carbs every time I eat
But that's the price you pay to stay skinny and sheik
Just ten more years of trying my best
Until I’m an overnight success
Think I'm going insane but you'd never guess
Because I suppress all my fear and stress
I'm trading my life for the life I adore
Completely forgetting who I was before
I can't wait til I'm famous and finally there
I'll have everything and nobody to share it with
It's gonna be awesome
I'm stuck in traffic but that’s ok
This isn't my car but it will be one day
This is my apartment
I only pay twelve hundred dollars a month
It's been 10 years and I'm still here
Any second now I'm gonna get that phone call
He's gonna say, “Hi I'm a top notch guy
Are you ready to be paid way too much money?”
And I'm gonna say “I been waitin this day
For 9 odd jobs and too many birthdays”
But that hasn't happened yet an I'm 38
And I've started doing drugs to pretend life's ok
It's gonna happen soon, any second now
I'm gonna be alright don't you worry bout me
Cause soon you will see This was all worthy
Of all my money
And identity
And friends and family
And getting married
And having babies
And being happy
And eating weekly
Selling my body
When everyone sees
That I'm more important than them
I just want to be loved by everyone
I just want to be loved by anyone
offensive rap
I’m sick like a kid with aids
I clean house better than a pair of mexican maids
my words drop faster than old tampons fall
flowin’ more than the seed in peter north’s balls
i spit fire they call me the arsonist
ya know I’m tearin’ it up more than a pedophlic rapist
rhyme so hard that it gives me wood
so i can fill you with more regret than planned parenthood
and then we sing it
hey i’m soppin’ wet with skills
killin’ it like i’m poppin’ pills
so let me ride the mic like a
dyke on a bike without a seat
hey in case you haven’t heard
i spread the spoken word
i say what i prefer without a slur
i’m more inspiring than adolf hitler (fucked up)
I’m a cracker i’ll never grow an afro
i’m whiter than an episode of the cosby show
my name is chad it’s my white boy curse
i’m a bigger douchebag than a hooker’s purse
so puff puff pass now i’m in the zone
i’m more ill than your grandma’s retirement home
we’ll smoke so much til we cough and heave
and get more paralyzed than christopher reeve
hey i’m soppin’ wet with skills
killin’ it like i’m poppin’ pills
so let me ride the mike like a
dyke on a bike without a seat
hey in case you haven’t heard
i spread the spoken word
i say what i prefer without a slur
i’m more inspiring than adolf
you should be afraid of
everything i’m made of
time for a fake guitar solo
i come from a rough neighborhood well sorta, kinda
it’s a dirty hairy place called my mom’s vagina
nine months straight i was trapped and contorted
so lonely i wanted me aborted
i only saw my dad every now and again
when my mom was asleep he tried to poke his head in
no ladies in the womb so i got lovesick
but in the fetal position i could suck my own dick
koreatown
Just moved in to my place and I love the neighborhood
This must be the american dream
and if not I must be close cause it has
Cute little patches of dead grass
And the roads are decorated with broken glass
There's a free mattress every 20 feet
Who needs a dumpster when there's a street
Come down to Korea Town
Lots of noisy sounds
dog shit on the ground
I don't know what you are waiting for
But if you're not quite sure I'll tell you more
the helicopters give off a nice breeze
No matter what you do your dog has fleas
Right after you fall a sleep
A car alarm will start to
beep beep beep beep
wee-oo wee-oo wee-oo wee-oo
eh eh eh eh
buuuuuuuuuuu buuuuuuuuuu
So come down to Korea Town
Where you'll drive around
cause parking can't be found
If you're tired of living somewhere
That you always have to breath clean air
Then come down
Nice art on walls all done with spray paint
This block smells like arby’s mixed with taint
stop signs just mean you don’t have to stop
This is where they film the tv show
Cops in korea town
Where everyone frowns
At you if you're white
on my terms
I'd have sex with you if your body looked like it does with clothes on
And I'd have sex with you if my friends would never find out
I'd have sex with you if I could watch really good porn in the background
And I'd have sex with you if I were a lesbian
Your so in my league
I'm so not in yours
I'd have sex with you if you weren't surrounded by beautiful women
And I'd have sex with you but you haven't shaved your legs
I'd have sex with you but I'd rather jack off to someone hotter
And I'd have sex with you if I had that flashy thingy from Men in Black
ka-choooooooooo
But I don't have the flashy thingy
So we'd both remember
I'd have sex with you if having sex means having sex with your hot friend
and I'd have sex with you if I could charge you by the minute
I'd have sex with you if your face looked like it does on facebook
And I'd have sex with you but you won't have sex with me
breakthrough
Well it seems being condescending is the theme of the day
Or am I hyper-sensitive to all the words they say
And everybody’s surprised when they see I’m feeling crappy
“But Chad you’re never sad, you’re always happy”
Because I’m crackin’ jokes every chance I get
You think I’ve only got one permanent mindset?
You’re a human too so you should know
Everybody’s got a bunch of different sides to show
Then I come home
And I start singing, bar by bar
I begin to harmonize with my guitar
And all my rage, and all my hate
Slowly but surely starts to dissipate
I don’t need an audience or a stage
To commit my own harmless private rampage
when everything is all said and done
I might still be lost but today I’ve won
Sometimes I find it hard to comprehend
A world that’s my enemy but also my friend?
It’ll build me up strong then beat me down
Until eventually I’ll find some sort of middle ground
And it’s easy to let my negativity win
Cause it takes hard work to find the positive end
You gotta look for it, it won’t find you
But when I can’t find it, you know what I do?
I start writing, line by line
And begin to organize the thoughts I have in mind
They may be simple, they may be bland
Or too random for anyone to understand
But the more I write down the more I start to see
The big picture that’s right in front of me
Come to think of it life is just a test
To see who can rise above the flames the best
A lot of the time I’m too scared to stress
What’s really on my mind that I want to express
What if they get offended or they disagree?
I don’t wanna burn my bridges not this early
So I beat around the bush and see how they react
Then re-phrase my words so I can counter-act
The shit storm that I don’t mean to cause
But you see that’s the problem, that’s one of my flaws
Is that I’ll start singing, bar by bar
And begin to bitch and moan with my guitar
If I only speak up when I’m alone
I get the false sense that I’ve got a backbone
And maybe writing songs helps me circumvent
But until I solve the problem it’s just a statement
An illusion that I think I’ve won
So I’ll stop talking and get something done
heavy water
well she’s 27 and already has kids
he’s 19 making hit youtube vids
29 making 80,000 dollars a year
I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown in a second here
I can’t avoid it I’m gonna obsess
over everybody’s life everybody’s success
every story is a sign that i’m falling behind
or that i’m getting really good at losing my mind
back and forth i can’t help myself
i can’t control the things i can’t help
why do i keep on running backwards
every time i learn my lesson
later on it creeps up again
i’m drowning in this heavy water
when i get in the zone my mind starts racing
my body freezes up heart palpitations
my hulk-like envy overreacts
when i blur the line between opinions and facts
people braggin’, facebook taggin’
the only thing i think about is how i’m laggin’
i wanna ask all you phonies one question
howmuch of that is you and just projection?
back and forth i can’t help myself
i can’t control the things i can’t help
why do i keep on running backwards
every time i learn my lesson
later on it creeps up again
i’m drowning in this heavy water
back and forth i can’t help myself
why do i keep on running backwards
every time i learn my lesson
chad jon jon chad
snap out of it
(chorus)
Make Sure it’s for sure
started off so randomly, you called me up one night (so random)
I didn't think it possible that it would go much further than one invite
But one night became four more nights of hesitance and tension
but on the fifth night that all ended when our lips started an intervention
Now I am trying
Not to over-analyze every text
And tryin not to be afraid of what could happen next
I'm so excited yet reserved and overwhelmed by you
I wanna tell you how I feel but I don't want to I don't want to
I think that you might feel the same way
Do you feel the same way too?
This is so annoying but at the same time this is great
We both like each other
But now we're both in purgatory wondering if we will date
I got all my walls up because I have been burned before
There's nothing worse than feeling
Excited 'bout potential but ya split the differential
'Cause it could be temperamental
Gotta make sure it's for sure
I gotta make sure it's for sure
And now we are progressing, but I am still in shock (so shocked)
It isn't supposed to work this well
I'm waiting for the moment when you blow me off
That wasn't a good word choice--I think you get my cynicism
I'm ready to commit to you, I'm just a little weary of love's hypnotism
Now I am trying
Not to let myself lose myself in you
And tryin not to get ecstatic til I know it's true
I got a million different feelings bursting at my seams
Don't wanna drop 'em all walkin' on these balance beams
These balance beams
Are they just dreams?
Or is there something potential between us
(chorus)
Is this going where I think it could be going?
Is this growing into what I hope hope hope is growing?
This not knowing drives me crazy it's so amazing
I'm glowing from the signs I think think think you're showing
Ohhh
I don't know, but I don't care
Because I know I don't
Wanna play this chess game of texting
Because each text gets more perplexing
Let's just tell each other how we feel
So we can both find out if this is real
make it while you’re young
Ok go you've only got a few good years left
It's time to show yourself what you are made of
Don't waste time having a life with a stable psyche
Lose your mind trying to get ahead
You just wait til you're 38 without a future
Celebrate in order to forget that
You still work for bosses who are all younger than you
This is real, how's a feel?
I keep getting sucked into this broken philosophy
Because I feel pressure to spend my youth wisely
This isn't right
Why do I feel I have to grind
Until my life falls apart?
I'm losing myself to progress
Why can't I trust the process?
Try your best do something to take control every day
Even though your real job gets in the way
Don't relax in fear that someday you will regret it
Stay on track cut yourself no slack
I've never felt so overwhelmed and every day I'm so tired
Because I gotta get where I want to before I’m expired
This isn't right
Why do I feel I have to grind
Until my life falls apart?
I'm losing myself to progress
Why can't I trust the process?
I get so caught up that I forget
All the things in my life that are really important
Smoke weed to suppress the stress it's my buffer
But in the meantime my relationships suffer
Tell me how do I strike a balance between
Everything that I want and I need
And accept the fact that what I want might be
Just a small percentage of what fulfills me
Ride to this invisible finish line
Until you burn out slowly
I'm losing my passion for this
High when it's my only focus
close my eyes
I wish I'd just quit my Job
Say fuck everything it's time to move on
I wish that I had a trust fund
So I could pursue what I've always wanted to do
Stop slow down close my eyes
Take time to recognize
Anger and jealousy only waste energy
Life is not a race
I'm so focused on success
It kills me to think that I'll settle for less
But all of that makes me forget
The goals that I've set and the ones I've already met
Stop slow down close my eyes
Take time to recognize
Some have it much worse than me
I'm actually pretty lucky
Life is not some fucking race
I could choose any route
And there's always something to complain about
But most of all what frustrates me
Is when I slip and slide on my own negativity
Stop slow down close my eyes
Take time to recognize
If everything went as planned
Life would be boring and bland
Be happy with what ya have
kickstarter song
Gimme all your money
Just kidding but seriously
If you could please spare me maybe 10 or 20
So I can make an album it's gonna happen
I'm finally doin it and I can't wait
But before that I need some help from you
Or your rich uncle
Wait sorry wrong chorus
So here's the deal
I'm pretty sure you know about kickstarter
The place where artists go to make money
Off of their rich friends who all made
better choices than them financially
Consider all this a Costco sample
Of a Chad Neidt 12-pack that you won't find at Costco
The only place you'll find it is within your heart
And by heart I'm talkin' bout
Your wallet, your purse, your paypal or bank account
I'm thankful for even a small amount cause
I need some money so I can pay
A professional sound engineer
Way less than he use to charge before
Napster ruined his career
All I'm asking for is
One Million Dollars so I can run away
Retire in Mexico and never make an album
4,000 dollars is really all I need
In order to record a super fun album
It will include funny songs, rock songs, and mashups
Sorry to be blunt but I need your money
if you wanna hear more like this
57 dollars is all I really need
to record an album if it was 1870
But today that much will only buy a half of a chorus
So I'm asking you please
If you could help a little bit so it won't sound like