December 2014 - Bereaved Families of Ontario

BFO-SCR
Bereaved Families of Ontario
South Central Region
Grief support for children and
parents since 1988
December 2014
At the BFO office as we end the 2014 year, and
reflect on the past twelve months, we see a new
Program & Volunteer Coordinator - Kimberly Ryan,
an expanded program region that includes the
cities of Burlington and Hamilton, the Region of
Niagara and the counties of Brant, Norfolk and
Haldimand and a new name. What has not
changed, is our mission to provide the best group
bereavement support we can to children, teens and
parents. What has not changed, is our hope. Our
hope for a gentler grief journey that reflects the
unchanging love we carry within us for our loved
ones. Together, we accomplish all these things.
For grieving children and parents, this time of year
can be viciously challenging and many times,
heartbreaking. Comfort is not felt by many from the
language of the Season. The articles in this
newsletter are dedicated to grieving children and
parents as they cope in this Holiday Season. If you
are bereaved, or are a caregiver to a bereaved
child, I hope you find the articles helpful and you
learn new and useful ideas about coping and
activities for continuing bonds with the person who
died. For those of you who are supporters of BFO
and not bereaved, I hope you gain insight and find
the information useful when spending time with
bereaved family members or friends throughout the
Holiday Season.
PROGRAM UPDATE
2014 Angel
Ornaments
2014
Glass
Angels
2014 Glass Angels are for sale!
To order your angels, please call 905-318-0070 or stop
by the office between the hours of 9am-4pm. Angels will
also be for sale at the Family Tree of Lights Event (see
page 7) on December 22, 2014.
Please note: We also have 2013 and 2012 pewter
angels in stock. They are $15.00 each for 2 for $25.00.
Perinatal Loss Support Group
Bereaved Moms
Bereaved Parent Couples Group
We offer a number of support groups and educational
programs throughout the year. Our services are free and
confidential. Pre-registration for groups is required, as is a ***Adults who are waiting for their groups to begin are
commitment to attend all sessions. For more information, welcome to use our other support services such as our
Bereavement Library and One-to-One Support.
or to register, please call 905-318-0070.
All our programs are finishing the Fall cycle. We are
accepting intakes for two programs beginning in January
and a full slate of programs for Spring 2015.
Children's TLC Program
Teens: Missing Pieces the Grief Puzzle (Halton/Hamilton)
Perinatal Loss Support
BFO Family Camp at YMCA Wanakita
We are also always available to offer an ear and a cup of
coffee. Just call the office at 905-318-0070 to let us know
you are coming in to see us.
Page 1
Supporting Grieving Children & Teens
During the Holiday Season – Cara Grosset MSW, RSW, CT
be grateful for something to do
Having said this, children also want
time to have a break form their grief –
children & teens don't grieve
continuously – they naturally know that it
is healthy to take a break and to engage
in play with their friends – if they want to
still go to their friends' homes or to
sports games over the holidays, this is
normal & healthy – it doesn't mean they
aren't grieving their sibling's death. All of
the young people I have talked to want
to spend time with their friends over the
holidays, they want to laugh, get outside
and have fun
Adults play a key role in helping children
and teens grieve – especially over the
holidays when emotions and memories
can become more intense.
Children and teens can have difficulty
expressing their true emotions – they
may not have the words to express
themselves, so they may retreat
inwards, or they may protect you from
their feelings and hold things in so as not
to hurt you more. In teens, you may see
sadness turn to anger, or see them
reach out to friends instead of you.
These are normal reactions to this time
of year when there is a great deal of
pressure to be “normal” and joyful.
In my role at BFO, I have the privilege to
work with many bereaved children, teens
and young adults. Over the past years I
have been consulting with these young
experts about what they need to help
them cope with the holidays – and here
is what they shared:
Conversations & Connections – your
children want to talk about the person
who died – and they especially want to
spend time together as a family – they
want to talk about memories, share
stories, ask questions – but remember,
they also want to protect parents
(caregivers) from further hurt, so talk to
them about it being OK for you to cry
together, everyone is hurting, but it is
better to let it out than to keep it all in.
Spend one on one time together if you
can – you don't have to have lots of
things planned, children just want to
know that you are together, that they are
loved & they will be safe.
Provide opportunities for children
and teens to be creative – let them make
a holiday decoration, maybe one in
memory of the person who died – draw
pictures, write in a journal, write a letter
to the person, bake together.
Communicate openly – continue to
use real language (dead, died)
appropriate for the child's developmental
stage.
Change – include your child in
decisions about how the holidays will
change or how traditions will be
continued – let them contribute ideas
about how they would like to include the
person who died in family traditions –
maybe a new or homemade tree
ornament, a candle lighting, a poem or
song, a donation to a charity – if you
have decided to go away for the
holidays, just keep in mind that your grief
packs itself along in your suitcase &
comes along – when I talk to the kids
they are about 50/50 between family's
going away for their first holiday vs.
those staying at home. Again, there is
“Over the past years I have been
consulting with these young experts
about what they need to help them
cope with the holidays – and here is
what they shared.”
no right or wrong – you do what works
for your family, the good news is if it
doesn't work so well this year, you can
try something else next year!
You are the centre of your child's
world – they continue to need stability,
consistency and routine – if you aren't
able to provide that right now, that's OK
– ask friends & family to help out, they'll
It's OK to cry – you don't always
have to be composed & together –
maybe their time at school was when
you could break down and let out some
of your intense grief, and over the
holidays you don't have that time – find
ways to take care of yourself – keep in
close physical contact through hugs,
snuggling - let them know it isn't their
fault that you are sad or upset, that it is
normal to miss your family member – it
is OK to feel however you feel at that
moment, there shouldn't be expectations
about how you 'should' feel.
Care – take care of each other – be
kind to yourselves – lower your
expectations for the holidays – don't feel
obligated to attend lots of functions,
have people over, or have a perfect
holiday.
Young children have a natural
exuberance and excitement about this
time of year – let them feel this without
added guilt – it's OK to be excited about
Santa, Hanukah, gifts – it doesn't mean
they don't miss the person or don't
grieve deeply for them.
With teens and young adults, you
may see more anger or withdrawal – talk
about ways to express this in healthy
ways – talking, exercise, writing – talk
about 'holiday cheer' (drinking) – over
the holidays, they may have more
access to alcohol or drugs, this is not a
positive way to cope with their grief.
Cara Grosset currently is the Clinical
Director of Missing Pieces: The Grief
Puzzle for Teens program that was
developed by BFOHB and operates in
partnership with local School Boards.
Cara was the 2013 Clinical Director for
Camp Erin Hamilton and is the Clinical
Director of the 2015 BFO Family Camp
at YMCA Wanakita.
Handling the Holidays – Kimberly Ryan
Managing Your Grief at Christmas
We feel it several weeks before December 1st , arrives, and once that date is here, the anxiety we feel tends
to heighten as we realize we must find a way to get through this Christmas season while dealing with the
death of our loved one. The “traditional” way of how we celebrated Christmas in the past is now changed
forever for our family. We question how we can possibly manage doing all the activities and the whirlwind of
the season as we once did. We feel guilty about not feeling up to meeting the expectations that others may
have for us, yet we know we must “muddle through somehow” as spoke in one of the songs of the season.
While everyone reacts differently, a lot of people find Christmas to be a very difficult time - it can prompt you
to react more sensitively to things or become detached from those around you. Everyone will have a
different way of coping, but however you react to Christmas, it's important that you look after yourself and
have your own way of getting through the times when you're feeling really low.
Below is a list of some really helpful suggestions to help you manage your grief through Christmas, these lists were
compiled by Dr. Bill Webster and what I like about them is that they are two fold: one list is for you and taking care of
you while the other is for those around us who can provide the support we need during this difficult time. Please print
off and share with your family and friends to help navigate the Christmas season, and remember to take care of you
the best you can.
What can I give myself?
·
Acknowledge this Christmas will not be perfect
·
Make a “wish” list – for example: I will send Christmas cards, if I wish; I will buy Christmas presents, if I
wish –
do what YOU need to do to take care of yourself
·
Leave “ought” & “should” out of this Christmas
·
Surround yourself with people who understand
·
Expect grief bursts – sometimes the anticipation can be worse than the actual day
·
Take care of YOU
·
Relieve your memories – grief invites us to remember
·
Talk about happy memories and the person's life
·
Believe that next Christmas will be BETTER
What can we offer to a grieving person at Christmas?
·
LISTEN – grieving people often need to talk about the subject most on their mind – “that which cannot
be put into words, cannot be laid to rest” – their emotions come out through their words
·
If you are worried about what you should say, keep in mind that they probably won't remember what
you said, but they will remember that you were there
·
Make a SPECIFIC offer of help
·
Give them permission to grieve – OK to cry, OK to be in grief moment
·
Accept them UNCONDITIONALLY AS WOUNDED PEOPLE
·
Encourage the verbalization of feelings and the relieving of memories
·
Be realistic about the help we can offer – grieving people want only one thing – they want their loved
one BACK – we can't do the one thing they really want
·
Tolerate angry responses
·
Give the griever hope – survival is a major accomplishment
·
Grief takes time – give them support throughout the process
Visit Dr. Webster's website www.griefjourney.com for information and comforting meditations.
Page 3
In Loving Memory
This November
Gordon Russell Bird
Beloved son of Frederick and
Margaret
Brother of Randy and Tony
Gordon was born December
19th/1970
Died November 15th/2006
Steven Bozel
Beloved son of Margaret Szarka
Brother of Peter and Michael (D)
Steven was born May 6th/1968
Died November 7th/1982
Jacqueline Brennan “Weenie”
Beloved daughter of Bob and
Denielle
Pre-deceased by infant sisters of
Jennifer Deanne and Adrianna
Kathleen
Jacqueline was born March
2nd/1994
Died November 14th/2003
Scott Andrew Cavanagh
Beloved son of Valerie Whittaker
Brother of Daniel (Tabitha)
Uncle of Trinity and Sylus
Scott was born February 17th/1981
Died November 26th/2005
Massimo Ciardullo
Beloved son of John and Anna
Brother of Anthony, Gianluca, and
Tatiana
Massimo was born November
11th/04
Died November 11th/04
Brian Davey
Beloved son of John and Julie
Brother of Rick and Lissa
Brian was born June 7th/1978
Died November 30th/1985
Mary Teresa Hartnett
Beloved daughter of Ed and Ann
Teresa was born December
29th/1968
Died November 6th/1991
Mike Fedeyko
Beloved son of Claire
Brother of Mary Anne and Nancy
Mike was born December 26th/1958
Died November 21st/2006
David B. Kristensen
Beloved son of Peter and Wanda
Brother of Ryan
David was born on March 19th/1980
Died November 18th/1996
Linda Jean McKay
Beloved daughter of Warren and
Doreen Cunningham
Sister of Cyndi, Cheryl, Sheila,
Jeanine, and Warren (D)
Mother of Amy and Jeff
Grandmother of Madison, Brooke
and Talia
Linda was born August 31st/1956
Died November 22nd/1989
Billy O'Brien
Beloved son of Betty
Brother of Tom
Billy was born April 26th/1971
Died November 7th/2004
Laurin Thivierge
Beloved son of Bart and Carmen
Brother of Simone
Loved father of Jean-Claude and
Rene
Laurin was born February 12th/1973
Died November 17th/2002
Rebecca Anne Wolstenholme
Beloved daughter of Sue and Harry
Sister of Corey
Rebecca was born February
15th/1986
Died November 18th/2005
Peggy Worne (MacQueen)
Beloved daughter of Audrey Hoggart
Peggy was born February 11th/1945
Died November18th/2009
Perry William Ryerson II “Junior”
Beloved son of Sharon
Brother of Prentice Arthur Ryerson
and Christine Lynn Swan
Perry was born December 11th/1980
Died November 22nd, 2010
Ken Rankin
Loving father of Darryl
Ken was born July 6th/1943
Died November 18th/1989
Derek Russell
Beloved son of Claire Allan
Brother of Walter, Lisa Anne (D),
Michele Anne (D), Rosalind
And Christopher
Derek was born August 28th/1966
Died November 4th/ 1968
Michele Anne Russell
Beloved daughter of Claire Allan
Sister of Walter, Lisa Anne (D),
Derek (D), Rosalind and Christopher
Michele was born November 29,
1964
Died November 12, 1986
Page 5
In Loving Memory
December
Adam Aiello
Beloved son of Barb Reid
Stepson of Donnie
Brother to Alex
Adam was born April 4, 1991
Died December 9, 2013
Craig Anderson
Beloved son of Gordon and Joyce
Brother of Bill and Graham
Uncle to Misty, James & Staci
Craig was born October 6th/1978
Died December 4, 1995
Noah Campbell
Beloved son of Darin and Kim
Grandson of Noel and Pam Campbell
and Dick and Anne Erechook
Noah was born and
Died December 5, 2006
Bill and Jackie Carrier
Children of Donna Segato and Richard
(Stepfather)
Sibling to Nadine Webb (nee Carrier)
Bill was born August 16, 1967
Jackie was born October 25, 1970
Both died December 26, 1989
Toni Marie Clement
Beloved Daughter of Shirley
and Jack Phillips
Brother of Steven
Loving mother of Jessica and Amanda
Spouse of Shaun
Toni was born October 17, 1968
Died December 12, 2010
Daniel Oliver Couch
Beloved son of Denise Couch
Brother to Heather and Jeff
Fiance to Ashley Gilbert
Daniel was born July 23, 1986
Died December 19, 2011
Jennifer Marie Currie
Beloved Daughter of Linda
Sister of Scott
Jennifer was born September 11, 1980
Died December 19, 2003
Noah Davy
Beloved son to Josh & Kelly
Noah was born December 21, 2011
Died December 21, 2011
Lori Hey
Beloved daughter of Brian and Cecilly
Sister of Shawn, Brad, and Kevin
Lori was born February 4, 1965
Died December 3, 1985
Lee Jenkinson
Beloved daughter of Lynn and Bill
Loving mother of Katie and Justin
Sister of Bob, Mike, Ritchie, Shannon,
Steven, Jackie, and Jennifer
Lee was born on May 7, 1963
Died December 24, 2009
Amanda Marilyn Martin
Beloved daughter of Glen (D)
and Marilyn
Sister of Deanna, Stephen, Michelle,
and Logan
Amanda was born November 4, 1982
Died December 28, 1995
Ian Cameron McNeil
Beloved son of Cathy McNeil
Brother of Ryan
Ian was born August 6, 1974
Died December 27, 1991
Martin Thien Phu Nguyen
Beloved son of Kim Le-Butler and Greg
Butler
Brother of Anna Nguyen and Trinh
Theresa Nguyen
Martin was born August 13, 1995
Died December 31, 2009
Christian Nusca
Beloved son of Rosanne and Chris
Brother of Natalie and James
Christian was born December 1, 2007
Died December 24, 2007
Paul Pridham
Loving father of Sherry Style
And Kate MacBeth
Loved Spouse of Sue
Paul was born August 8, 1947
Died December 24, 2006
Julia Turner
Beloved daughter of Tina and Paul
Sister to Melaney and Jaclyn
Julie was born March 29, 1996
Died December 23, 2011
Page 4
A family weekend vacation full of fun and valuable learning
B.F.O.
Camp for Families
at YMCA Wanakita
The B.F.O. Family Camp at YMCA Wanakita is a partnership between Bereaved
Families of Ontario-South Central Region, the Hamilton/Burlington/Brantford
YMCA and the YMCA’s Camp Wanakita. There is no fee for the families to
attend but families must provide their own transportation to Camp Wanakita
in Haliburton, Ontario.
Bring your family together as you experience an unforgettable weekend of fun
and adventure! YMCA Wanakita’s unique Family Camp program combined
with the bereavement support offered by BFO is a place where you can
develop and strengthen relationships with family, make new friends and learn
valuable coping skills. We aim to provide unique opportunities for families to
learn and grow together! The last day of camp includes a memorial butterfly
release!
WHERE?
The weekend takes place in beautiful Haliburton at Camp Wanakita. Campers are asked to arrive by 7pm
Friday, June 5th and will leave camp at 1:00pm Sunday, June 7th.
REGISTRATION PROCESS
Please call 905-318-0070 or email [email protected] to receive a registration package.
The Camp has only a few spots for families and will be filled on a first come-first serve basis.
Bereaved Families of OntarioSouth Central Region
118-Wellington Street North, Hamilton L8L 8E7
905-318-0070
[email protected]
www. BFO-HamiltonBurlington.on.ca
A PARTNERSHIP OF CARING
BFO-SCR
Bereaved Families of Ontario
South Central Region
Support for grieving children
and parents
Honour your loved ones
at a very special tree lighting of a 50ft blue spruce
F A M I L Y
TREE OF LIGHTS
MONDAY
DECEMBER 22, 2014
7:00 PM
BAY GARDENS
1010 BOTANICAL DRIVE
BURLINGTON
Sponsored by the Markey Family
and the Hamilton Spectator
BFO-SCR
Bereaved Families of Ontario
South Central Region
Support for grieving children
and parents
A contribution in your loved ones memory will illuminate a
white light in his or her honour.
Please join us at the Lighting
Ceremony on Monday,
December 22nd from 7:008:30pm.
You will be greeted as you enter
Bay Gardens by the voices of the
Sons of Italy Choir. Children will
have an opportunity to make an
angel ornament, trays of desserts
with hot chocolate, cider and
coffee will be provided
complimentary. Our signature
2014 glass Angel Ornament will
be for sale. The event will take
place indoors as well as outdoors
to light the Tree. A tribute carol
will be sung around the Tree.
Please dress according to the
weather.
How to Donate
1. Filling out the form below and mailing it or
dropping it off to the BFO office.
The names of all those remembered in this special way will
be listed in a donated ad in the Hamilton Spectator on
December 24th. Please acknowledge on the form attached
below if you wish the name of your loved NOT to be
published.
2. Online www.bfo-hamiltonburlington.on.ca. Please
designate “Family Tree of Lights” and provide the
name of your loved one(s) to be listed.
To ensure publication of names in the advertisements, we
must receive your information by December 17th.
3. Calling the BFO office at 905-318-0070 and
making your donation over the phone.
Bereaved Families of Ontario - South Central Region will be hosting a Family Tree of Lights to
honour children, siblings, spouses and parents who have died. This special outdoor tree is a 50
foot blue spruce that has been graciously sponsored by the Markey Family. The Tree will be
decorated with crystal-clear lights that will shine brightly as a living memory this Holiday Season.
The lights are an affirmation of our loved ones life and acknowledges our cherished memories.
A complete listing of the loved ones names will be published on Christmas Eve, December 24th
in the Hamilton Spectator. The name listing will also be posted on our website, and mailed to
donors accompanying their tax receipt. At the event, the names of the loved ones will be read
aloud.
*Please complete the form on the last page of the newsletter and return it with your
donation or call our office at 905-318-0070.
Ultimate Chef 2015 Event Update
Hi Everyone! Here is an update on the planning of our Ultimate Chef Event 2015! This will be our 4th year putting this
event on at Liuna Station. To date, over $100,000 has been raised in support of the programs at Bereaved Families
and over 850 people have attended. Please help us raise as much money as possible in support of grieving children
and parents!
See who are competing for the title of “Ultimate Chef 2015" by visiting the BFOHB website! You can support the event
by:
Ÿ purchasing a ticket or table
Ÿ becoming a sponsor - $250-$5000
Ÿ donating a live or silent auction item
Ÿ cash donation (listed as a Friend of the Chefs)
Ÿ Supporting a Chef to win the “Big Daddy” Award by making a donation online in their name
Ÿ volunteering at the event
Most sincerely,
Victor Lesnicki - Event Chair
“Best Gourmet Potluck in Town!”
Proceeds to support Bereaved Families of Ontario-South Central Region
TICKETS ON SALE NOW!
Online: BFO-HamiltonBurlington.on.ca
Phone: 905-318-0070
$100 each OR
Buy a table of 8 or more and save $100!
Major Credit Cards and Interac accepted online!
A culinary feast prepared by
volunteer Home Chefs who
include local community leaders,
sports celebrities, politicians,
emergency service providers,
business owners and service club
members.
HE
T
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A
O FS? webs
H
“W CHBEFOHB
e
h
it t
Vis
Liuna Station
T
?
5
201
Saturday, February 28, 2015
360 James Street North
Hamilton
are he ‘C
the hef
Sta s’
rs!
The Chefs are competing for
the title of Ultimate Chef 2015
chosen by a distinguished panel of
judges and for one of 3 People’s
Choice Awards voted by the guests.
Bay Area Dads for Dads
Ultimate Chef
Saturday, February 28, 2015
www.BFO-HamiltonBurlington.on.ca
Page 9
Our Leadership Team
BFOHB Leadership Team
Executive Director: Lisa Lesnicki-Young
Coordinator of Programs & Volunteer
Services: Kimberly Ryan
Administrative Assistant: Cathy Rolph
Finances: Homer Smith & Rick Salter
Professional Consultant: Dr. Lori TrianoAntidormi, Ph.D., C. Psych
Missing Pieces for Teens Clinical
Director: Cara Grosset M.S.W., R.S.W.,
C.T.
Children’s Programs Clinical Director:
Crystal Rutherford M.S.W., R.S.W., C.T.
Crystal is also the Clinical Director for
Camp Erin Hamilton and our TLC Family
Camp at YMCA Wanakita.
Board of Directors
Board Chair: Jim Matz
Vice Chair: Ryan Moffat
Secretary: Annette Jansen
Treasurer: Tim Sprague
Past Chair: Robert Webb
Director: Ryan Cloutier
Director: Tyler Sumac
Director: Kjirsten Georgison
Director: Jocelynn Patrick
Director: Denise Vanderveen
Professional Advisory Committee
Shauna Cassidy - Social Worker
Karen Demaline - Social Worker
Jane Galbraith - Author of “Baby Boomer
Face Grief: Survival & Recovery”
Kent Laidlaw - Trauma Specialist
Lucinda Landau - Hospital Chaplain
Jodi Pereira - Hospital Social Worker
Sarah Pershick- Certified Child Life
Specialist
Crystal Rutherford - Social Worker &
BFOHB Camps Clinical Director
Dr. Lori Triano-Antidormi - Psychologist
Dianne Vanderwoude- Funeral Director
We welcome submissions to our bimonthly newsletter and reserve the right to edit based on available
space. Please email any submissions or suggestions to the Executive Director, Lisa Lesnicki-Young at
[email protected].
Our Privacy Policy:
Bereaved Families of Ontario - Hamilton/Burlington (BFOHB) respects your personal information and
adheres to all legal requirements with respect to protecting your privacy. We do not rent, sell or trade our
mailing lists or other personal information. We use your personal information to assist us in providing you
with appropriate services and to keep you up-to-date on the activities of BFOHB including programs,
services, special events, appeals for additional funding through periodic contacts and to volunteer.
If at anytime you wish to be removed from any of our contact lists, please advise us by telephone at
905.318.0070 or by email at: [email protected] and we will gladly accommodate your
request.
Bereaved Families of Ontario - Hamilton/Burlington (BFOHB)
Support for grieving children and parents since 1988
Yes! I want to give my support to Bereaved Families of Ontario-Hamilton/Burlington by contributing
$____________________ in honour of (name(s) please)__________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
Please do NOT publish my loved ones name(s).
Name ______________________________________
Address ____________________________________
___________________________________________
Email ______________________________________
Charge my credit card:
__VISA __ MC __AMERICAN EXPRESS
Name on card:____________________________________
Card Number_____________________________________
Expiration Date__________________
Signature________________________________________
*Tax receipts for donations over $25
293 Wellington Street North, Suite 118 | Hamilton, Ontario L8L 8E7 | Phone: 905-318-0070 | Fax: 905-318-9181
www.bfo-hamiltonburlington.on.ca Charitable Registration # 86589 2319 RR0001