guide - Popbitch

Semi Final 1
Semi Final 2
The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Eurovision 2014
Hello, Copenhagen! This is Popbitch calling!
Here we have your all-in-one guide to the songs, the statistics and the
stories of this year’s contest.
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Song Profiles ..................... 4-40
In this section, you’ll find all of the essential information on
every song in the competition – from the first semi-final to the
swaggering Big Six – plus all of the important trivia on the
performers.
Statistics ...................... 41-51
You want data? We got data. Our deep, theoretical analysis
into the last 15 years of Eurovision has thrown up a bunch of
colourful infographics, charts and diagrams that will make you a
Eurovision expert within minutes.
Stories ......................... 52-60
The Best Of The Rest: Five fine songs that didn’t make the final
Singing In The Reign: 15 fascinating years of Eurovision history
Molly Good Show: We meet the UK’s most hopeful entry in years.
Bloggers’ Choice ................ 61-63
We asked some of the best-informed bloggers for their opinions
on this year’s underdogs. This is what they had to say.
Semi Final 1
Semi Final 2
The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Contents
All 37 entries in alphabetical order.
Click the country to be taken straight to their profile.
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Albania .........9 SF1
Armenia .........4 SF1
Austria .........25 SF2
Azerbaijan ......11 SF1
Belarus .........29 SF2
Belguim .........13 SF1
Denmark .........35 GF
Estonia .........6 SF1
F.Y.R.Macedonia..30 SF2
Finland .........27 SF2
France ..........36 GF
Georgia .........23 SF2
Germany .........37 GF
Greece ..........32 SF2
Hungary .........19 SF1
Iceland .........8 SF1
Ireland .........28 SF2
Israel ..........21 SF2
Italy ...........38 GF
Latvia ...........5 SF1
Lithuania ........26 SF2
Malta ............20 SF2
Moldova ..........14 SF1
Montenegro .......18 SF1
Norway ...........22 SF2
Poland ...........24 SF2
Portugal .........16 SF1
Romania ..........34 SF2
Russia ...........10 SF1
San Marino .......15 SF1
Slovenia .........33 SF2
Spain ............39 GF
Sweden ...........7 SF1
Switzerland ......31 SF2
The Netherlands ..17 SF1
Ukraine ..........12 SF1
United Kingdom ...40 GF
Semi Final 1 - 6th May
Semi Final 2 - 8th May
Grand Final - 10th May
Semi Final 1
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Armenia
It’s not uncommon for a country to pick their entrants from their national
version of X Factor or The Voice. Armenia have done it, but they haven’t
picked a contestant. They’ve picked the host. They’re sending the Armenian
Dermot O’Leary. And what’s weirder still? He’s the hot favourite.
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Artist Aram MP3
Song Not Alone
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C minor
No
Two
Yes
(Not ideal: minor is good, but C loses more often than it wins)
(Good: key changes are death)
(Good: one composer / one lyricist)
(Good: it always helps to have the writer perform)
Sounds Like Something you’d find on a DJ Shadow mixtape
Other Notes Aram’s real surname isn’t MP3; it’s Sargsyan. He got his start as
a stand up comedian doing humorous covers of popular songs which is where he earned the stage name.
The dubstep production sound made its first appearance last year,
with six entrants using some wubs and dubs. None of it did very
well though. And this year - while the studio version video is racking
up unheard of numbers for a Eurovision track on YouTube, like a lot
of club-inspired productions, the live version on stage hasn’t been
well received. Aram was odds-on favourite before he did his first
appearance, but now he’s out to 2-1.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Latvia
German-born Jöran Steinhauer and his merry band of Latvian buskers sing
this year’s cutesy folk number. Filled with weird references to unicorns,
Indiana Jones and the lost city of Atlantis, Cake To Bake is ridiculous,
twee and about as catchy as they come.
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Artist Aarzemnieki
Song Cake To Bake
Language English/Latvian
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
F# major
No
Two
Yes
(Pretty bad: F# is often a losing key; major is a disaster)
(Good: although one semitone up is actually a better key)
(OK: it’s usually better to have two songwriters per song)
(Good)
Sounds Like An over-friendly exchange student, let loose with a guitar at
a party.
Other Notes The band’s name means ‘Foreigners’ in Latvian. Lead singer Jöran
moved to Latvia when he fell in love with Brainstorm’s Eurovision
performance in 2000. The band had a surprise hit with a song
about the demise of Latvia’s national currency (the lats), and
their silly-lyrics busking is growing a big fanbase in Copenhagen.
One to enjoy.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Estonia
In her homeland, Tanja has made her name in musical theatre, television and
pop music, having played leads in numerous musicals, appearing on primetime
shows and releasing six albums of her own material. In Eurovision, she is
making her name as ‘That one that’s a bit like Lady Gaga’.
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Artist Tanja
Song Amazing
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C minor
No
Two
Yes
(OK: popular key this year; not traditionally a winner though)
(Good: but shifting up a tone would put it in the sweet spot)
(Ideal: exactly what you want)
(Good: most winners write their own songs; juries seem to like it)
Sounds Like Lady Gaga
Other Notes Tanja is Russian-Estonian, born in Kaliningrad. It often helps to have
an act born in a different country to the one they’re representing but this year the Russian connection might not be so useful... nor
the Lady Gaga comparison. If you like upbeat stompers, you might
like this. If you don’t like the sound of cats wailing, you might not.
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Sweden
Sanna Nielsen will have the Fiona Bruce-fancying, Radio 2-listening dad
demographic all sewn up before she sings her first note – but as for the
rest of us? It’s a pleasant enough Euro-ballad that wouldn’t look too
uncomfortable in the top 10.
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Artist Sanna Nielsen
Song Undo
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Eb minor
Yes
Three
No
(Good: Eb is within the winning range, minor is good too)
(Mixed: E minor is a winning key, but key changes are cheap)
(They all have pretty solid credentials too - see below)
(Sanna’s only real stumbling block...)
Sounds Like Celine Dion, moving into radio-friendly ballads
Other Notes Sanna is the youngest person ever to have a Swedish language
number one, aged 11. Undo’s songwriters include Fredrik Kempe
(who also wrote Eurovision runner-up Popular) and David Kreuger
(who worked on Boyzone’s Where We Belong and Britney’s ...One
More Time album). The juries will love this one, but you might fall
asleep while it’s on.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Iceland
Beards, bright colours and bouncing about basically sums up the Pollapönk
experience. It’s an odd and slightly schizophrenic number that flits between
punk, pop and disco and it’s exactly the sort of thing we love Eurovision
for.
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Artist Pollapönk
Song No Prejudices
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
D minor
Yes
Two
Yes
(D minor is a great key; but it isn’t very solidly in Dm)
(Bad: and, worse, it sort of slips from key to key throughout)
(Good: both wrote music and lyrics)
(Good)
Sounds Like Verses sound like the Hives; the chorus sounds like Sweet
Home Alabama and they also break into the most balls-out
disco we’ve seen in the competition since Stefan Raab’s Wadde
Hadde Dudde Da in 2000.
Other Notes Pollapönk are popular among children, kind of like a punk rock
Wiggles. They originally sang this in Icelandic for the national heats,
but have rewritten it in English for the competition – so everyone
can know it’s about a boy being bullied for having a stammer.
They have a backing singer who looks like Frankie Boyle freshly
discharged from Guantánamo.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Albania
Straddling the worlds of pop and classical - like Nigel Kennedy, Vanessa
Mae and Myleene Klass before her - Hersi Matmuja is performing one of
the most peculiar songs of the contest. One that has undergone quite the
transformation since we first heard it.
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Artist Hersi
Song One Night’s Anger
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
F
Yes
Two
No
(Moves between F major and F minor; an unusual technique)
(Bad)
(Good: one lyricist; one composer)
(Not great)
Sounds Like A Seal B-side, sung by Shakira
Other Notes The original version of this song was very different. Written in
Albanian and performed by an orchestra that was dozens strong,
it started with rough electric guitar, before blending into something
far grander and stirring than the oddly folksy number it has since
morphed into. Now, it’s a good spot for a toilet/tea/beer getting
break.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Russia
D-Wing, rejoice! Junior Eurovision is all grown up!
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Artist Tolmachevy Sisters
Song Shine
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
E minor
Yes
Five
No
(Good: E has never lost in the 21st Century; minor is good)
(Bad: up two semitones to the death-knell of F#)
(Not great: two composers; three lyricists)
(Bad)
Sounds Like Almost every Eurovision song you’ve ever imagined
Other Notes It’s more about how badly they are booed than how good the song
is. Lyrics are back-of-a-fag-packet Google Translate; the song even
less memorable. The Tolmachevy twins have impressive Eurovision
credentials though. At the age of nine, they won the Junior
Eurovision Song Contest 2006 in Bucharest with their song Spring
Jazz; and they were also part of the opening act in the second
semi-final in Moscow.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Azerbaijan
Having already achieved their goal of hosting the Eurovision, you’d think
that Azerbaijan would be tempted to phone it in this year, but not a bit of
it. In fact, given that their bitter rivals, Armenia, are this year’s early
favourites to win, the pressure is back on them to put on a good show.
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Artist Dilara Kazimova
Song Start A Fire
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
B minor
No
Three
No
(Mixed: minor is good, but B is in the losing range)
(Good: there’s nowhere to move that would help either)
(Mixed: too many, but they’re Swedish and previous winners)
(Bad: often the undoing of ballads, this)
Sounds Like The kind of song that appears on CD2 of a Disney album.
Something from one of the straight to video sequels, but is
actually a solid bit of balladry.
Other Notes Like most countries, Azerbaijan had televised heats in order to
chose their entry. One week, Dilara chose to perform Shirley
Bassey’s History Repeating. It was gobsmackingly weird.
The song was written by Swedes - including Stefan Örn (who wrote
Azerbaijan’s winning entry, Running Scared). It uses a diminished
chord, which is unusual for Eurovision, and it also features
Azerbaijan’s national instrument, the balaban. Try and forget the
awful staging; it’s a very pretty song – and Dilara is one of Baku’s
few animal rights campaigners.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Ukraine
The good people of Ukraine aren’t letting a little geopolitical trouble
worry them. And they’re not trading on pity either. They’ve put in a proper
stomper that, despite a little too much whistling, is probably their best
chance in ten years at lifting the trophy again.
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Artist Maria Yaremchuk
Song Tick-Tock
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
F# minor
No
Two
Yes
(Good: minor is strong, F# is just inside the winning bracket)
(Great: any higher and she’d have been in the losing range)
(Good: one composer-lyricist; one lyricist)
(Good)
Sounds Like Maroon 5. But good Maroon 5.
Other Notes The lyrics to this song have had a little tweak since this first earned
its place in the competition (presumably the work of the newlyadded second songwriter). Wisely, they’ve changed the first line
which was “We belong to each other / Like a sister to a brother”. It
just gave the whole thing a slightly unpleasant, incesty feel.
Will this get the sympathy vote? The bookies obviously think so, as
her odds have slashed in this last week – despite the huge hamster
wheel on stage. And that Maria is a supporter of the pro-Russian
party in Ukraine.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Belgium
The Sunday after the Eurovision final is Mothers Day in Belgium (and 13
other participating countries). Hopefully, Axel Hirsoux’s ode to loving his
mother is a cynical attempt to grab votes, and not a genuine love letter.
Otherwise he’s going to be turning things hellishly icky...
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Artist Axel Hirsoux
Song Mother
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
E minor
No
Two
No
(Good: a very solid key to perform in)
(Good: you don’t want to move from a key like that)
(Good: ideal, in fact)
(Bad: hopefully this is enough to jinx his underhand tactics)
Sounds Like Russell Watson
Other Notes Axel is well known to Belgium TV fans, having appeared in (and
failing to win) both Star Academy and The Voice before signing
up for Eurosong 2014. The writers of Mother have written entries
for Spain and Andorra in the past (none of which did any real
business).
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
Moldova
Strong, imposing women are quite the fixture on this year’s line-up and they
don’t come much stronger or more imposing than Cristina Scarlat – with her
deep, booming voice and her swirly dubstep stylings.
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Artist Cristina Scarlat
Song Wild Soul
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
D minor
Yes
Two
No
(Good: a key responsible for the most winners in recent years)
(Bad: one semitone, to Eb minor)
(Good: and with lyrics by her 23 year old niece, which is cute)
(Bad)
Sounds Like Early Muse, covered by latter day Muse
Other Notes Utterly bonkers cyborg styling; shouty song, great voice. Run for
the hills!
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Stats/Stories
San Marino
It’s probably because San Marino has a population of about sixteen people,
but this is Valentine Monetta’s third time at the Eurovision – making her
the first person to represent a country in three consecutive years since the
Sixties. And this time with a song not about Facebook.
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Artist Valentina Monetta
Song Maybe (Forse)
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
G minor
No
Two
No
(Good: G has spawned some winners; minor is good)
(Good: going any higher than G# would get you in trouble)
(Good: one lyricist; one composer)
(Bad)
Sounds Like Something your mum likes on Radio 2
Other Notes Bankrolled by German veteran songwriter, Ralf Seigel - rumoured to
sub the tiny country 20k euro each time. If she wins, she’ll probably
plan on staging Eurovision 2015 in her house. (Clue: she won’t
win).
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Stats/Stories
Portugal
Portugal have only qualified three times since semi-finals were introduced
in 2004. Probably because of their bloody-minded determination to sing in
Portuguese, thereby alienating most of Europe. So are they finally going to
blend in with everyone else? Hell, no. This is as Portuguese as it gets.
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Artist Suzy
Song Quera Ser Tua
Language Portuguese
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Tricky
Yes
One
No
(Could be E Major, C#minor or A Major - all are bad)
(Bad: one semitone)
(Bad: you need more than that)
(Bad)
Sounds Like The Lambada
Other Notes If you’re particularly into cruise ship entertainers, or feeling
nostalgic for a holiday on the Algarve back in the 1970s, then
maybe this is the one for you. Bad, but it can probably still expect
12 points from Spain.
PAEDO POP ALERT: Suzy had her first hit as part of the children’s
band Onda Choc, with a single that sounds like a Portuguese teen
version of Here Comes The Hotstepper.
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The Big Six
Stats/Stories
The Netherlands
An oddly serious entry from The Netherlands this year – and an oddly
American one too. It’s not bad, it just... well, it’s just not Eurovision.
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Artist The Common Linnets
Song Calm After The Storm
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Ab Major
No
Five
Yes
(Pretty bad: Ab is skirting near losing keys, major is terrible)
(Good: especially so close to the losing range)
(Bad: miles too many)
(Good)
Sounds Like Rilo Kiley covering Every Breath You Take
Other Notes After being announced as The Netherlands choice for Eurovision,
Ilse and Walyon went to Nashville to prepare themselves for the
competition. Yeah. Because the Tennessee sound is one that always
kills with Europop fans.
The lyrical allusion to storms is good. Weirdly, turbulent weather
has historically been good to reference in your lyrics.
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Montenegro
Christopher Maloney? Is that you?
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Artist Sergej Ćetković
Song Moj Svijet
Language Montenegrin
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Eb Major
Yes
Two
Yes
(Bad: Eb isn’t great, but major is a big problem)
(Bad: one tone up to F Major – another dreadful key)
(Good: one composer; one lyricist)
(Good)
Other Notes Montenegro have put in some superb but cruelly overlooked
efforts in the last two years. In 2012, they sent the Montenegrin
equivalent of Ian Dury - the magnificently named Rambo Amadeus.
Euro Neuro was an under appreciated gem. But that was nothing
on 2013’s entry. Who See gave us the intergalactic dubstep track,
Igranka. It was gloriously weird, but because of the pathetically
boring juries it never made it out of the semi final.
Sadly this isn’t in the same league. Another bog-break beckons
(unless you like rollerskaters on stage). This also contains a strange
Eurovision rarity - a change in time signature. It moves from 4/4
into 6/8.
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Hungary
Last year’s Eurovision was all about the wubs and dubs. This year there is
a bit of a 90s tinge to it. András Kállay-Saundars is leading the charge
with a drum-and-bass track about, wait for it.... child abuse. Boooyakah!
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Artist András Kállay-Saunders
Song Running
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Bb minor
No
Two
Yes
(Mixed: Bb has won and lost, but it’s minor – which is good)
(Good)
(Good)
(Good)
Sounds Like Baby D
Other Notes András was born in New York. He visited Hungary for the first time
in 2011, entered the Megasztar contest and came fourth. So he
moved to Hungary and had three top tens. His father is Fernando
Saunders - Lou Reed’s sideman, who also worked with Jan Hammer,
Jeff Beck, Pat Benatar and Heart. His mother is a Hungarian
model Katalin Kállay. He’s definitely worth a look, a big favourite in
Popbitch HQ. Come on! Vote Hungary!
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Stats/Stories
Malta
Mumford and Cunts.
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Artist Firelight
Song Coming Home
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Db Major
No
One
Yes
(Bad: Db is bad, major is bad; combined, it’s truly awful)
(Good-ish: a semitone shift would put them in D though)
(Bad: Not enough)
(Good)
Sounds Like Mumford and Sons - with Claire from Steps on guest vocals
Other Notes The singer Richard Edward Micallef goes by the stage name Richie
Edwards. This is his seventh try as a Malta Song contestant. Richie’s
dad is a famous Maltese singer and two of his brothers are also
in the band. Malta have a good track-record in Eurovision, belying
their size and status; and unless you hate Mumfords, you might like
this.
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Israel
Mei Finegold came third in Israel’s equivalent of Pop Idol. Which sort of
makes her the Darius Danesh of Israel.
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Artist Mei Finegold
Song Same Heart
Language English/Hebrew
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
B minor
Yes
One
No
(Mixed: B is the tonal wilderness; minor is solid though)
(Bad: two semitones, to C#m, which isn’t enough to save it)
(Not great)
(Bad: if she got herself a writing credit, it would really help)
Sounds Like A drag Pink impersonator
Other Notes Eurovision fans have been flocking to big this one up, but it’s hard
to see it winning over Europe. Another poor placing could see the
current rumours that this is Israel’s last appearance come true.
Shouty pop, competently performed but the English to Hebrew
switch half way through jars a little.
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Norway
Looking like a less grizzly and gnarled Lemmy, Norway’s Carl Espen is the
contest’s gentle giant – singing a song that will sound slightly familiar
to anyone who watched The Bridge.
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Artist Carl Espen
Song Silent Storm
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
F# minor
No
One
No
(Good: F# is a bit iffy, but minor is good)
(Good: going higher from here could cause problems)
(Not great)
(Bad: his cousin wrote it, but that won’t fool the juries)
Sounds Like The theme tune to The Bridge. (Coincidence that the trophy
travels from Mälmo to Copenhagen this year – the two cities
featured in that series? Hmmm...)
Other Notes Storms are excellent to reference in lyrics – references to thunder
and rain and lightning have historically done well in the competition
– but a silent storm? Carl is a 31 year old carpenter, who grew up
on an island in the sea off Bergen. He served in the army in Kosovo,
and was doorman in rock club. Eurovision’s huge stage can be a
hard place for a rank amateur, but if Carl can hold his nerve (and
he’s got the might of Sony Music behind him) this is a very pretty
ballad.
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Georgia
Noodly, folksy, ethno-jazz certainly has its place. Usually it’s on a
Saturday afternoon at a festival while waiting for a band that you actually
like to come on. But now The Shin and Mariko think that Eurovision could
benefit from some yodelling and compound time signatures. Yeah. Of course.
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Artist The Shin and Mariko
Song Three Minutes To Earth
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
E Major
No
Two
Yes
(Bad: major keys are the concrete boots of E)
(But there are a few momentary stretches out of key)
(Good: one lyricist; one composer)
(Good)
Sounds Like Government subsidised ‘art’ music
Other Notes For the first minute, the drummer is the lead vocalist. Which
probably tells you everything you need to know about their chances
of winning.
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Poland
Poland’s answer to Pink and Bubba Sparxxx combine forces to tell us why
Slavic girls are the world’s greatest. The answer? Because they make nice
dairy products and are genetically manipulative. Apparently...
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Artist Donatan & Cleo
Song My Słowianie (We Are Slavic)
Language English/Polish
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
A minor
No
Two
Yes
(Not ideal: A has produced a lot of losers, but minor is good)
(Good: especially given how close it is to the crap keys)
(Good)
(Good)
Sounds Like Touches of Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl
Other Notes The lyrics are all about Slavic prowess and excellence, but it doesn’t
do well to be too territorial at Eurovision – especially when you’re
relying on the votes of others. Donatan has been criticised for
preaching pan-Slavism in the past – as well as paganism, satanism,
recommending the Red Army, and promoting communism. Luckily
for Poland he seems to be off-stage, leaving it to a cleavage-heavy
all-girl performance. One for the dads, but put your fingers in your
ears first.
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Austria
Accused by the Russians of turning the competition into a “hotbed of
sodomy”, this year’s lighters-in-the-air anthem is sung by a smouldering
raven-haired beauty – with a rather full beard.
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Artist Conchita Wurst
Song Rise Like A Phoenix
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
D minor
No
Four
No
(Perfect)
(Sounds like there’s one; it’s actually a slight tweak in melody)
(A few too many, especially as all wrote lyrics and music)
(Bad: If Conchita had only chucked in a line or two...)
Sounds Like A classic Bond theme
Other Notes Having irked Russia, Belarus and Ukraine sufficiently for them to
to call for Conchita to be banned from their national broadcasts,
we can’t help but feel the East – for all of their decent songs and
other interesting contributions – are slightly missing the point of
Eurovision. Besides, 2014 is not the year the competition became a
hotbed of sodomy. Not even close. So when you hosted it in 2005,
Ukraine, and you in 2009, Russia, you should know that sodomites
were gaying up your capital cities like crazy. We’re sorry to have
to break that to you guys but, honestly, we’re a little surprised you
didn’t notice. It’s also worth saying this bearded Kim Kardashian-alike would be a worthy winner.
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Lithuania
Vilija Matačiūnaitė originally envisioned this as a reggae song, which
would have been an unbridled catastrophe. However, with the help of a cowriter, she has crafted an electro-pop version which has become a quiet
favourite of ours; one we’re really hoping doesn’t get overlooked.
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Artist Vilija Matačiūnaitė
Song Attention
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C# minor
No
Two
Yes
(Mixed: C# isn’t great, but minor is a solid choice)
(Good not to use one, but it would nudge it up to a good key)
(Good)
(Good)
Sounds Like Like a lead single from one of Girls Aloud’s solo albums
Other Notes Has one of the most unlistenable starts to a song. Someone
shouting “Attention!” at you repeatedly must go down better in
Vilnius than in most cities. But stick with it, there’s something of the
Nicola Roberts’ Beat Of My Drum about the chorus.
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Finland
Ten years ago Softengine would have been on the cutting edge of the
contest. Instead, in 2014, their haircut indie makes them sound a little
bit stuck in the past. Which is really no mean feat in a competition where
one of the favourites to win sounds like a Baby D tribute act...
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Artist Softengine
Song Something Better
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
G Major
No
Two
Yes
(Not great: G isn’t so bad, but major key is a real problem)
(Good)
(Good)
(Good)
Sounds Like The RoMo revival of 1997
Other Notes Their name translates directly from Finnish as ‘Software Engineer’.
This is proper synth-rock indie, the kind the Scandis do better than
us these days, performed by a cute teenage band recently signed
by Sony. Add in a sing-a-long stadium chorus and it’s a breath of
fresh rock air for the contest.
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Ireland
Kasey Smith was part of Louis Walsh’s stalled project Wonderland (or, as
they now appear to be styled, the “BT Music Award nominated girlband,
Wonderland”). Now solo, she has teamed up with Can-Linn to bring Ireland
the glory that so narrowly escaped Jedward.
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Artist Can-Linn (feat. Kasey Smith)
Song Heartbeat
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
A minor
No
Four
Possibly
(Mixed: A skirts with disaster, but it is at least a minor key)
(Good: especially in this area of the scale)
(Bad: Too many)
(Kasey didn’t write it and it’s not clear who’s in Can-Linn)
Sounds Like Like a lead single from one of Girls Aloud’s solo albums
Other Notes Like The Common Linnets, Kasey Smith has spent some time in
Nashville maturing her sound. Between being in a girl band and
entering the Eurovision.
This song doesn’t resolve. It’s a trick that is on the rise at
Eurovision, and this is one of the more obvious examples of a song
which ends abruptly on what would traditionally be the penultimate
chord. It’s the musical equivalent of a mic drop. Or the series finalé
of The Sopranos.
It’s also pretty awful, with easily the worst rehearsal performances.
Top contender to be this year’s Jemini.
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Belarus
Name-checking Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey and Google Maps, Eastern
Europe’s answer to Robin Thicke has a charming little ditty about getting
all caught up in a woman’s “sweet cheesecake”.
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Artist Teo
Song Cheesecake
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C# minor
No
Two
Yes
(Not great: C# is problematic, but the minor is important)
(Good)
(Good: one lyricist; one composer)
(Good)
Sounds Like Robin Thicke
Other Notes When we initially commented upon the likeness between Teo and
Robin Thicke, Teo was very quick to correct us. This is what he said:
“I might wear a black suit and a white shirt, but I’m Teo and not
Robin Thicke. I’m the one being objectified in the song and video
for ‘Cheesecake’, and the lyrics make clear that I don’t like it. The
meaning behind ‘Cheesecake’ is simple but a positive song: I’m
tired of my ex-girlfriend calling me her ‘sweet cheesecake’ - we all
want to be treated with respect.”
Anyway, he looks more like Dappy when he’s got his sunglasses on.
Come on Europe, vote Teo into the final. It’s charming and silly.
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F.Y.R. Macedonia
Usually, F.Y.R. Macdeonia likes to indulge in a bit of point swapping with
Croatia, Turkey and Bosnia & Herzegovina – three countries all absent from
this year’s party. So it seems poor Tijana will be the one who ends up
loitering in the kitchen, checking her Twitter and eating all the nibbles.
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Artist Tijana
Song To The Sky
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
A Major
No
Three
No
(Bad: could hardly be worse actually – the killer key)
(Good: but it’s really no saving grace – stays stuck in A Major)
(Bad: three’s the bad number)
(Bad)
Sounds Like Another Pink soundalike
Other Notes Composer Darko Dimitrov also wrote FYR Macedonia’s highest
scoring Eurovision entry to date - 2006’s Ninananja. That song was
performed by Elena Risteska who, relatedly, wrote the lyrics for this
year’s entry. One of those tracks you won’t remember 30 seconds
after it’s finished.
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Switzerland
It’s a big year for whistling this year. But where Ukraine have some
background whistles very high in the mix, Sebalter has them front and
centre – merrily chirruping along with the melody. If you can bear it,
you’re stronger than us.
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Artist Sebalter
Song Hunter Of Stars
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
E minor
No
One
Yes
(Good: strong key; minor, as ever, is great)
(Good)
(Bad: two heads are better than one)
(Good)
Sounds Like Roger Whittaker guesting on a Dexy’s Midnight Runners track
Other Notes Sebastiano Paù-Lessi - 29. Started in a band called The Stalkers,
who specialised in covers by Uriah Heep and Deep Purple. And
yet this couldn’t be further from Purple. Hand-claps, a fiddle and
whistling. This is the what Satan would choose to play to welcome
sinners into hell.
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Greece
Without their usual
going to have to do
shortfall that will
a summery pop smash
bumchums Cyprus in this year’s contest, Greece are
something pretty special to make up the 12 point
incur. The plan? Get the Greek Rizzle Kicks to perform
on a massive trampoline. It might just do the trick...
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Artist Freaky Fortune (feat. Riskykidd)
Song Rise Up
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C minor
No
Three
Yes
(Good-ish: The key of C seems to be fighting fit this year)
(Good)
(Mixed: but it’s unclear how much input RiskyKidd has had)
(Good)
Sounds Like Sam and the Womp; Yolanda Be Cool
Other Notes Freaky Fortune are a Greek pop duo who won Perez Hilton’s cover
version competition with Katy Perry’s Part of Me.
RiskyKidd is actually called Shane. He has a German father, a
Jamaican mother, was born in London and moved to Greece as a
kid. On a tactical level, it’s helpful to have a geographically diverse
background to maximise votes. But Greece will do well enough out
of a) their Balkan neighbours, b) the growing post-recession Greek
diaspora, and c) because this is loads of fun.
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Slovenia
For all of her weird, kooky Kate Bush promotional photography, Tinkara is
actually quite a standard presence and performer. Except for the fact that
she dresses like a giant Quality Street and can play the flute, there’s not
really a massive amount to say about this one.
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Artist Tinkara Kovač
Song Round And Round
Language English/Slovene
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C minor
No
Four
Yes
(Good-ish: another C, though this is not the finest example)
(Good)
(Bad: one composer; three lyrics)
(Good)
Sounds Like A Slovenian Corrs
Other Notes The bridge to this song sounds practically identical to Lithuania’s
entry, Attention. Were either of these two in any danger of
topping the table with their entries this could have sparked off
some plagiarism scandal. But as this is unlikely to make it to the
final – and Lithuania will probably languish in the bottom third of
Saturday’s table – it’s not really worth getting too fussed about.
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Romania
It’s a second outing for Paula Seling and Ovi – whose Muse-sounding entry
in 2010, Playing With Fire, scored them a bronze. They’re bringing back
their neon piano and taking a shot at the top.
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Artist Paula Seling and Ovi
Song Miracle
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
A Major
Yes
Three
Yes
(Bad: really pretty terrible, truthfully)
(Quite a flamboyant one; a lot of work for one semitone)
(One from Norway; always helpful to bring in outsiders)
(Good)
Sounds Like Swedish House Mafia
Other Notes The song might not stand too much statistical scrutiny, but Paula
and Ovi are very visual performers. They put on a striking show,
which counts for a massive amount (just ask Jonathan King...)
except this time they seem to be using Liberace’s bog-seat as a
keyboard.
You’re going to love this one - but perhaps not in the way Romania
are hoping... There’s a massively extravagant key-change near the
end which could go badly wrong for Paula, too.
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Denmark
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Artist Basim
Song Cliché Love Song
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Eb Major
No
Four
Yes
(Pretty bad: Eb has no winners, major is bad)
(Good: but the way he sings ‘cliché’ sounds like ‘key change’)
(Bad: Too many)
(Good)
Sounds Like Bruno Mars
Other Notes Anis Basim Moujahid is of Moroccan descent. Ordinarily it’s helpful
to have someone from another country to perform your entry, but
as Morocco aren’t competing this year it’s not necessarily going to
add any votes to their total. Without mentioning that this is the one
which might make you want to stick a fork into your eyeball.
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France
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Artist TWIN TWIN
Song Moustache
Language French
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Bb minor
No
Four
Yes
(Mixed: Bb not ideal; minor is good)
(Good)
(Bad: Too many)
(Good)
Sounds Like LMFAO
Other Notes Lorent and Francois are actually twins. Started out as guerilla film
makers, before joining up with beatboxer Patrick. Signed to Warner
France. Have been accused of lifting big chunks from Belgian star
Stromae’s hit Papaoutai. It’s Eurovision’s most hipster act since
Sebastien Teller. Loveable, but perhaps doesn’t take itself seriously
enough to get the jury vote.
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Germany
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Artist Elaiza
Song Is It Right?
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
G minor
No
Three
Yes
(Good)
(Good)
(Bad: three has lost more than it has won)
(Good)
Sounds Like A Bavarian Adele
Other Notes Beat many of Germany’s biggest stars in their national final. Got
there after winning their ticket via a wildcard contest, beating 2,239
other punter-submitted songs. And yet it’s instantly forgettable
- and possibly quite irritating. Another one with a weird timesignature.
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Italy
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Artist Emma
Song La Mia Città
Language Italian
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
A minor
No
One
Yes
(Mixed: minor is good, A is a key for losers)
(Good)
(Not great: usually good to have two)
(Good)
Sounds Like Republica
Other Notes Emma is a multiple platinum seller in Italy, winning a series of
Popstars and the prestigious San Remo festival. A creditable
performance but 90s influenced pop-rock sung in Italian might be a
little too niche for this event. Possibly a little too niche for Bar Italia
even.
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Spain
If you recognise Spain’s entrant ‘Ruth Lorenzo from X Factor’, it’s because
you’ve seen her before. She was Ruth Lorenzo from X Factor. Rather than
plunder their own reality shows for an act, they plundered the UK’s. Canny
move, but it remains to be seen if it will actually motivate Brits to vote.
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Artist Ruth Lorenzo
Song Dancing In The Rain
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
C Major
No
Three
Yes
(Bad: C is dreadful, major is dreadful)
(Good)
(Bad: One too many)
(Good)
Sounds Like Ruth Lorenzo from X Factor
Other Notes Bitterly divided Spain when this song won, dropping the national
language in favour of English. Sounds a bit Andrew Lloyd Webber
but it’s not as bad as that sounds. (But still not great.)
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United Kingdom
Finally, after years of sending sweet-but-dusty legends who used the
contest to resuscitate their careers, the BBC has seen sense. They’re
sending some new blood. The blood of Molly Smitten-Downes.
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Artist Molly
Song Children Of The Universe
Language English
Key
Key Change
Songwriters
Writer/Performer
Eb minor
No
Two
Yes
(Good: strong bit of key choosing, Molly. Keep it up...)
(Good: exactly what we want)
(Good: traditionally the winning amount)
(Good: perform well and the juries will love you too)
Sounds Like Florence And The Machine
Other Notes Was discovered via the BBC Introducing strand. Was a member
of dance act Stunt, whose vocals on Sash’s Raindrops (Encore En
Fois) scored a number 9 hit in 2008. Also recorded with Darren
Styles and Basshunter. It’s the UK’s best entry in years. Without that
dreadful Wolfie Smith “Power to the People” refrain, we could even
get behind it.
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The Key To Success
There is a common
songs are cheery,
that the patterns
times out of ten;
misconception amongst the casual viewer that Eurovision
upbeat numbers. A brief look at the past winners show
don’t quite support that theory. Major keys lose seven
minor keys will win the same amount.
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Change In Tactics
Most people would consider the key change to be a quintessential Eurovision
tool, but the data doesn’t really back that up. In recent years, acts have
elected not to use them; winners certainly don’t. The one thing we can see
is that the bigger the key change, the worse your chances of winning are.
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How To Use Tongue
Once upon a time, every country was forced by official Eurovision rules to
sing in their mother tongue. Since 1999 though, entrants have been free to
perform using whichever language they so choose. So which has been the most
successful?
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Word Play
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English is largely a second language to most entrants, which results in
fairly safe – and somewhat obvious – lyrics. But there are some critical
clangers that the Eurolyricist will want to be aware of, plus a few golden
words to drop in.
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The Need For Speed
Each country has a maximum of three minutes in which to impress the
audience - so there’s not a great deal of time for an act to drag their
heels. This is how the song’s tempo (the speed of the beat) affects their
chances.
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The Write Stuff
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Eurovision rules state that you are allowed up to five songwriters per entry
- a mix of composers and lyricists. Does it help to have a full committee
working on your song? Or do too many cooks spoil the broth?
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Luck Of The Draw
It’s not all to do with the technical skill of your songwriting. Sadly, one
of the most crucial elements of succeeding at the Eurovision Song Contest
is your placing on the night. Too early on, people forget who you were. Get
on later, you hit the sweet spot where people are drinking and still have
some stamina. Leave it too long though and the viewers are too saturated to
care.
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Winning Combination
Up to six people can take to the stage per entry - either as singers,
dancers, musicians, or a combination of all three. So, given that you have
the option to include a half dozen performers, how does a winner use it
best?
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A Bunch Of Losers
It’s not just the case that you can use the six-stage-performers rule to
your advantage. Choose to get your stagemates doing the wrong thing and
it can cost you dearly. This is the sort of thing that losers get up to on
stage.
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A Geotrophy Lesson
Everyone has their theories on who votes for who and which countries
are favourable to certain others. Others suggest that shared or similar
cultures can count for a great deal. Can geography tell us anything about
where the trophy will end up next?
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Points Of Order
“No-one ever votes for us” whinge the UK Eurovision critics. “Everybody
hates us, I don’t know why we bother!” And yet a quick look at the voting
patterns to see who each country gives the lion’s share of their points to
tells quite a different story. The country with the most loyal benefactors?
The UK...
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Best Of The Rest
Though the UK has stopped staging national heats, the Song For Europe
strand of programming is still big in the rest of the continent. Most of it
is only of interest to the most dedicated of Eurovision fans, but there are
the occasional gems that are deserving of a much wider audience. Here are
some of 2014’s.
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Ace Wilder - Busy Doin’ Nothing
A number of songs in this year’s competition take a while to get
started. Hot favourite Armenia takes a good minute before we hit
the drop. Hungary takes as long until the beat kicks in. This track
by Ace Wilder suffers from the same thing. The verses are, frankly,
a little dull – but the “Don’t wanna work, work, work!” chorus could
have been huge in the clubs.
Imagine Cher Lloyd, if Cher Lloyd wasn’t making such absolute shit.
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Sonny - Feeling The You
Last year, Sonny would have looked hopelessly out of place. This
year, with the strange 90s throwback sounds, Sonny would have
slotted in pretty nicely. He looks like a ski instructor who has been
left in charge of the group’s apres ski entertainment.
His speciality? Cheap Danish Prince karaoke. Especially the bit
where he sings “I feel for you” in almost exactly the same way that
Chaka Khan does in the Prince song I Feel for You.
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Dr Alban - Around The World
Dr Alban is still a well respected force in leisure centre dance
music. Jessica Folcker garnered international acclaim for her vocals
on a Bomfunk MCs track. Together, the two of them would be
unstoppable, right? Erm, well. No. Not quite.
You don’t need to know the first thing about singing to know that
this is one of the most out of tune live performances since Jemini’s
Cry Baby.
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MadCraft - Shining Bright
Every year needs its band who think they’re a cool street punk
band, but who actually sound more like Busted. You can’t knock
MadCraft for trying though. They threw the kitchen sink at this,
BMXers and all, but were sadly bested by a band who’d just signed
to Sony.
What was Finland thinking?
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Sasha - My Lesbian Girl
Long-time Eurovision aficionados will remember Sasha. Every year
he enters a song for Moldova’s consideration and every year he gets
just that little more bizarre.
Previous attempted entries from the dark lord of Moldovan goth
pop have included I Love The Girls Of 13 Years Old and Do You Like
My Sexy Lips? We’re glad he hasn’t given up though as regional
Eurovision would be a duller place without him.
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Singing In The Reign
History was made when Eurovision last
the first time that a country from the
the prize. 13 years later, Eurovision
Europe, and the contest, looking very
hit Copenhagen, in 2001, as it was
wrong side of the Berlin Wall took
is heading back to Denmark – with
different.
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These last 15 years have seen some fascinating developments
take place in the world of Eurovision. Among the newly created
states of the east the contest became the epicentre of an
intense scrambling for position and an outpouring of national
pride. And now, huge drama is playing out across the continent
as two of the major players are virtually at war, many of the
keenest participants have stopped even bothering to compete
and others have had their reputations tainted by corruption.
Meanwhile, the British media remains resolutely fixated by
a 1970s view of the contest as just a camp piece of light
entertainment, so all we seem to hear is mildly xenophobic
whinging about how cheating Johnny Foreigner is nixing
our chances of winning. In focusing on that, we’re missing
everything interesting that’s going on.
So as 37 nations prepare to take to the stage, we feel it’s time
to properly review the 21st Century Eurovision.
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Back From The Brink
In the 1990s, Eurovision was dying. A largely
ignored, dull-as-ditchwater show for your
granny, contested by disinterested national
broadcasters who were desperate to avoid
hosting the damn thing. While much of
Europe was spending its Saturday nights in
warehouses, pilled up to the eyeballs and
dancing to four-to-the-floor house tunes,
every Eurovision entry was forced to play
with an orchestra and conductor. Everyone
had to sing in their national language, after
which a hand-picked jury of elderly experts
from each nation would decide which worthy
tune should win. It was usually Ireland.
This primetime TV show had been held
hostage by nationalist elements in the
European Broadcasting Union who drafted
up regulations that would almost bring the
show to its knees. But then the EBU chose to
put the contest into the hands of some clever
Scandinavians – people who genuinely cared
about the show – and four things happened
to turn this laughing stock into the world’s
biggest non-sporting TV event.
First: they did away with the orchestra and
conductor.
Second: they changed the language rule.
Where once only UK and Ireland could sing
in a language most people could understand,
now everyone could.
Third: a televote was introduced. People
could text in their votes, just like on Pop
Idol, quickening the move towards more
commercial pop sounds.
Finally: we saw the new countries of Eastern
Europe rushing to join in, eager to be part of
the continent’s wider cultural traditions.
Why was Eurovision so important for New
Europe?
With the re-drawing of the map there weren’t
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too many opportunities for these fledgling
governments to shine a light on their newly
formed, or newly liberated, states. It’s not
true to say everyone in the east jumped in.
Some nations simply didn’t need Eurovision.
The Czech Republic had Prague, Vaclav Havel
and the European Championships football
runners-up of 1996. Why would they bother
with a pop contest?
And Hungary? They had hundreds of years
of empire, tradition and culture to offer.
Hungary didn’t really bother to take part,
until Victor Orban took over again in 2010
and made everyone wonder if Hungarians
were in fact uncultured racists after all. It’s
no coincidence that since then they’ve sent
serious contenders, not least for 2014.
Poland is a political powerhouse so their
contribution has been less than minimal. Even
their entry this year is about how great it is to
be Slavic.
Russia, on the other hand, cared. For
them, Eurovision was another opportunity
to hammer home their continued cultural
domination of the region. But this is one area
where Russia hasn’t had it all its own way.
Many countries quickly identified Eurovision
as the place in which their small, new, poor
country could compete on a level playing
field with the big, historic, rich countries of
Europe. Politics and sport were dominated by
the same old players, but a European-wide
TV show? Well, that gave everyone a chance
to show off.
Eurovision now comes with a bigger global
live audience than the Oscars (whatever the
Academy Awards PR department try and
claim). Winning therefore became a holy
grail, as this would mean the following year’s
show would be broadcast from the winner’s
country. It also gives the lie to that hoary old
myth that non-one wants to host Eurovision
because of the bill. It’s a license to print
tourist money.
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A New Century
The seismic change to hit Eurovision actually
started in Stockholm in 2000. Denmark
may have won that year, but the next three
on the scoreboard were Russia, Latvia and
Estonia. The new lines of the contest had
been drawn – it was every new state for
itself. And Russia, second with billionaire
oligarch’s daughter, Alsou, were absolutely
certain that this was a fight they would win,
just like every other one in their region until
the collapse of communism. That they didn’t
has been described by more than one of
their neighbours as a contributing factor to
their aggression every since.
So, Eurovision 2001. Perhaps it was no real
surprise that one of the more advanced,
Scandi-leaning Baltic nations won over
Europe’s hearts. And this made history for
two reasons. Not just being the first postcommunist entry to win, but the first (and, to
date, only) black artist, Dave Benton, to win.
So Estonia, a tiny country of just over one
million people took the prize. A country that
had barely existed as a Republic before its
1991 liberation, this win gave their Russian
oppressors a massive poke in the eye.
Tallinn rejoiced, and showed the west that
the new Europeans could host an event
to rival anyone’s the following year. This
time, Estonia’s equally vibrant neighbours
Latvia won. Knocked back twice, Russia now
threw everything they could at the contest,
entering first red-hot global pop stars Tatu,
and then their biggest male singer, Dima
Bilan. Neither managed to win.
Instead it was Ukraine who became the
next eastern winners, in 2005. And not just
any-old Ukraine, but anti-Russian Orange
Revolution Ukraine. A few weeks after Viktor
Yushchenko’s election, Kiev hosted its biggest
ever street parties. The capital was euphoric
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with pro-western sentiment, celebrations
carried on into the small hours lead by
Ruslana, their winning entry, herself a
vociferous pro-democracy campaigner and
then-MP, and generally surrounded by both of
the Klitchkos and the President himself.
The whole of Kiev came to a standstill for two
weeks. Kreschytyk Boulevard hosted a party
every night, where the youth of Kiev loudly
shouted their European aims, and kicked off
their Russian shackles. Russia retreated to
lick its wounds. Belarus poured millions and
millions into their entries, to try and show
Europe that Lukashenko’s dictatorship was
working... but they flopped year after year.
But by now all eyes were instead on the
post-war Balkan nations. Serbia won the
battle to be the first to host the contest in
this region, in 2007. A few years on, with
war a more distant memory and tourism and
EU membership spreading ever further to
the south-east, only little Montenegro and
Macedonia have even bothered to enter the
contest in 2014. For the Balkans, Eurovision
as a cultural necessity is already over.
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Mother Russia’s Pride
Russia finally got its win in 2008 in Belgrade.
This time they’d really thrown the kitchen
sink at it. You could call it winning by default.
Dima Bilan (again), with a Timbaland song,
accompanied by a famous violinist with a
Stradivarius, and an appearance on stage
by Olympic gold medal ice skater, Evgeny
Pluschenko. Newly crowned president
Dmitry Medvedev rushed to congratulate the
new national hero, but no-one else really
cared. Putin never forgave Ukraine for this
indignation. And on this logic, we fear for
Estonia’s territorial integrity too.
After Russia got its win, and the contest
started to revert back to some normality,
you’d think there was no more political
drama left to play for. But there was one
more big battle to be fought, right out on the
edges of Europe. Armenia vs Azerbaijan. Two
countries who are, technically, still at war
with each other.
With the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991,
internecine squabbles broke out all over the
area. Some small; some serious. Stalin’s
policy of messing up ethnic groups has had
a long-lasting effect. Armenia went to war
with its neighbour over a disputed territory,
Nagorno-Karabakh. By the time a ceasefire
was brokered in 1994 more than 30,000
people had been killed and more than a
million displaced.
As you can imagine, beating the other side
at Eurovision became an obsession for both
countries. In the late part of the last decade
Eurovision watchers became almost inured
to the millions spent on their campaigns
by both Armenia and Azerbaijan. Neither
side seemed to mind the bad publicity they
incurred over numerous incidents where
one country’s campaign belittled the other.
Azerbaijan summoned its citizens who
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dared vote for their enemy at Eurovision to
explain to the government why they had
been “unpatriotic”. Add to this the growing
allegations that they’d been trying to buy
up votes, allegations that, when you look
at voting patterns over the last years don’t
actually look very far-fetched, and you can
see how seriously the Azeris took winning
Eurovision. And how seriously they adhered
to other European norms such as democracy
and fair play.
This proxy war came to an end in 2010
when the petrodollars of Azerbaijan took the
crown. But did Eurovision help heal these old
wounds? Absolutely not, Armenia declined to
appear in Baku. They blamed their withdrawal
on the border shooting of an Armenian
soldier. Only to have to admit he was killed
by another Armenia soldier, not anyone from
Azerbaijan. Still, those petrodollars brought
about Eurovision spending on a scale that had
never been seen. Baku was transformed. A
whole region of the startlingly impressive city
was razed, and neighbourhoods displaced. To
create a white elephant to rival Beijing’s Bird’s
Nest Hall. Since May 2012 the Crystal Hall has
sat unused and unloved.
But Azerbaijan found that not all publicity
is good publicity. Europe’s attention was
drawn more to its human rights abuses
than its tourist potential – a situation even
the highly paid strong arm tactics of Freud
Communications, acting on behalf of the
ruling Alievs – couldn’t halt. It’s something
that has not gone unnoticed by the less
progressive regimes of the region and, by
bringing themselves to the fore by winning,
rumours of corruption and cheating are
continuing to dog the nation.
So, with all the major local battles won
and lost across the region, where now for
Eurovision? Well, it finds itself at a bit of a
crossroads. Viewing figures across the
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continent are sky high. The semi-detached
UK even gets 9 million watching. More
than watch X Factor and Strictly. And in the
smaller nations, upwards of 90% of country
sit down to watch the Saturday show. Even
the much-derided music has made a huge
commercial impact. Since iTunes enabled
instant downloads Eurovision has created hit
after hit. Loreen’s 2012 winner Euphoria was
a Europe wide chart smash. As this year’s
entry for UK, Molly Smitten-Downs, told us,
“even if only 1% of people watching take any
notice of you... that’s a million people!”
And yet in some way, the Eurovision
era is over. The political significance has
been superseded by real politics. With
EU membership won, or on the cards, TV
publicity is less important. You can sense
that Armenia and Belarus are still desperate
to win, but the game they are playing is just
catch up. The stakes are pretty low. Ukraine
and Russia may be playing on the same
stage this week but beyond the television
studio and bureaucratic platitudes of peace,
conflict comes ever closer.
For once Russia don’t appear to have
spent any time on their contest entry. Then
again, when you’ve got actual countries to
invade, dance routines for the right boyband
probably don’t feel like much of a priority.
Vladimir Putin might have lost the Eurovision
battle to his neighbour but he’s likely to have
better luck in the real war. Maybe this will go
back to being a simple song contest again?
We hope not.
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Molly Good Show
When Molly Smitten-Downes was declared our entrant for this year’s
Eurovision, the announcement was met with a resounding “Who...?” Yet this
previously-unknown singer-songwriter has presented us with one of the best
chances we’ve had in at least a decade. So we wanted to get to know her.
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It’s been a long while since the BBC has taken
a punt on an up-and-coming singer-songwriter.
How did that all come about?
They approached BBC Introducing who had been putting
forward people they thought were alright, and I was one of
them. So obviously that was really flattering. I think they’d
been approaching other people, because they said to me
“Would you be interested in hearing other people’s songs?”
If I hadn’t written the song, I wouldn’t be doing it. I wasn’t
interested in doing it as a singer. I’m doing it very much
because it’s a songwriting competition.
We’ve sent a lot of people who haven’t written
their own material, but our research shows
that the songs that do best are the ones
performed by their writers.
You know, I think that’s true in general. I know there’s a
lot of massive pop stars who are doing really well singing
other people’s songs but I happen to really believe in singersongwriters. And I feel like too much emphasis is sometimes
put on the showbiz side of it, and not enough on the lyrical
content. If you look at some of the greatest songwriters of our
time, they’re not always the best vocalists but they a quality
and because they’re singing about something they mean I
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I just think that carries weight. It’s something
I value. So even outside the competition I’d
like to think that’s got an element of truth.
Our research showed us something
else. Your song sounds – and do
correct us if this is wrong – as
if it’s in Eb minor.
God, I’ve not worked it out but that sounds
very likely.
We found that D minor is the
most successful key. Yours is
incredibly close to that. Was
that a deliberate choice?
Oh, wow. You really are getting nerdy. I
feel like I should have written out my score
before this interview.
So, not deliberate then?
No.
Have you been listening to many
of the other songs?
Yeah. At first I wasn’t. People were saying
“Don’t listen to the other entries. It’ll just
distract you.” But then it felt a little bit rude,
because I was meeting all of these people
and having to tell them that I hadn’t actually
heard their songs, and it made me look like
a twat. So I had a listen. There’s some really
good songs. I’m really impressed with the
calibre of music that’s in the competition.
Any particular favourites?
Norway, Silent Storm is a really good one, I
think. Armenia is obviously a favourite and
it’s wicked. Spain, Ruth Lorenzo, she’s got
a wicked voice. That French entry is really
good fun.
Was Eurovision something you’d
watched much before?
Yes and no. I mean, it’s a bit of a tradition
in the UK, isn’t it? When I was younger I
remember watching it – Gina G and all that
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sort of stuff – but the last few years I haven’t
really been engaged with it at all, if I’m
honest. And I had such reservations about
being a part of it – I guess in a sort of snobby
way, really. I hate to admit it but I was kind
of thinking that it didn’t have much credibility.
Then, when they were interested in me as
a songwriter, I realised that it was up to me
what I chose to submit and I just had to
make sure that I would submit a song I was
really happy with. Who knows if anyone else
is going to like it.
In a sense you’ve been quite
unlucky, because this is quite
a strong year. Last year, you’d
have walked it, but there’s some
real quality in there this year.
To be honest, people keep asking me what
I’m going to do if I don’t win and I’m not
really thinking about it because it feels like a
personal achievement. All those people will
hear my song – and even if only one percent
of the audience like it, that’s still a million
people.
What’s happening when you get
back? Do you have any plans for
the summer?
Well, I’ve just signed an album deal – which
is a dream come true – so we’ve been
recording with an orchestra for that which
has been amazing. In the summer I’ll have
single two, and single three after the summer,
so it’s probably going to be non-stop from
now.
And this might sound like a silly
question, but are you looking
forward to it all?
Yeah. I’m really happy at the minute. I bet
that sounds smug. But I really am.
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Bloggers’ Choice
Though the UK has stopped staging national heats, the Song For Europe
strand of programming is still big in the rest of the continent. Most of it
is only of interest to the most dedicated of Eurovision fans, but there are
the occasional gems that are deserving of a much wider audience. Here are
some of 2014’s.
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Oliver Rau, Aufrechtgehn - LATVIA
“Cake to Bake is a cute and lightweight, yet philosophical singalong
ditty about overcoming the fear of asking for help. In a year filled to
the brim with dark, melancholic ballads, the song’s heartwarmingly
innocent jolliness and church convention quality might just do the
trick.”
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Ewan Spence, ESC Insight - ESTONIA
“Amazing has something that every song needs - a horribly
annoying hook in the lyrics that your brain refuses to let you forget,
even if you hate it. It’s memorable, it will stir memories at the
reprise, and in a contest full of rippling torsos and eye candy for the
clichéd Eurovision fan, Tanja is ‘something for the Dads’.”
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Nick Deller, OnEurope - UKRAINE
“I’m generally looking for three things in a winner: an above
average song with not much competition in its genre, an arresting
stage presentation that you can’t take your eyes off for a second,
and – this is a dirty little secret known only to the entire world – a
country that Europe is feeling somewhat well-disposed towards.
Ticking all my boxes for 2014 is Ukraine, innocuously tucked in
behind a set of market leaders that are predominantly slow and a
bit grim. Expect rock-solid Top 5 at minimum!”
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Andy Mikheev, ESCKaz - MOLDOVA
“A lot of people underestimated Zlata Ognevich last year, and she
finished in a strong third place. Cristina has the same or even better
vocal capabilities and she is working really hard on getting her act
together as well. So this is one of the contenders for top places in
Copenhagen.”
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Schlager Boys, Schlagerblog - PORTUGAL
“It sounds like a Steps B-side, it has camp dancers banging giant
drums and a bloke with his top off gyrating his bongos next to Suzy.
She looks fab, uses a wind machine, and has fab schlager windmachine hair. Most importantly the song has a key change. In the
right place. It’s going to stand out a mile considering all the dull and
earnest ballads surrounding it this year, and romp home to victory!”
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Phil Colclough, OnEurope - MALTA
“Although more lemongrass than bluegrass, it has slightly fragrant
notes of rockabilly country mixed with a half-decent old-fashioned
Eurovision builder. The Juries who will see this song as modern
chart fodder that should get their juices flowing, while real punters
will like it because it just sounds nice. Mix the two together and you
have a pungent cocktail that will knock your socks off and rocket up
the scoreboard.”
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William Lee Adams, WiWiBloggs - ISRAEL
“In a sea of aspiring pop stars, Israel’s Mei Finegold is one of
the few artists. Her song “Same Heart” channels anger but isn’t
angry. In Mei’s deft hands we see how frustration can lead to
empowerment, and how the victim can become the victor. It’s a
fierce breakup song that screams, “emancipated female.” Shalom,
and work it!”
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Garrett Mullhall, Eurovision Ireland
- AUSTRIA
“For once the Wurst song at Eurovision is a compliment! A sassy
Bassey belter of a Bond song is set to Rise Like a Phoenix and
resurrect the fortunes of Austria at this year’s contest. A voice Dion
would kill for these days, a figure every Kardashian would pay for,
a dress collection Posh Spice would certainly give a zigga zig ahhhh
for and a 5’o’clock shadow that Pitt and Clooney could only wish
they had! The voice, the talent, the dress and the beard - Conchita
Wurst and Austria are the full package this year at Eurovision.”
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Emma Backfish, ESCxtra - FINLAND
“Finland’s Softengine are a young band who have sent, quite
possibly, the most pop radio friendly song to Eurovision this year.
Something Better might be able to rise above those being touted
to win and live up to its title on the 10th of May, due to its catchy
sound and the band’s fresh look.”
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Hacksaw, Eurovision Apocalypse GREECE
“In years where there’s no obvious favourite, the contest is usually
won by a sweet old timer or a dumb fun pop song. And as there’s
no delightful old duffer in sight, there’s nothing dumber and funner
than this one. The juries will hate it, but the punter love might just
drag it through.”
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Gavin Lambert, ESC Tips - UK
“We expected Vera Lynn, or some other relic to be dusted down
and wheeled out of the BBC’s broom cupboard. In Molly SmittenDownes, the UK has a current and relevant artist that should
appeal to Eurovision’s main voting demographic. This is the UK’s
best chance of winning for over a decade and Eurovision’s 60th
anniversary has London calling!”
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