MOON FOUND NEAR EARTH PHOTO - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

D
N
A
R
B
!
W
NE
Y!
K
C
A
•WANY! !
•Z ADCAP
•M it’s ALL TRUE!
and
A L L
T H E
WEEKLY WORLD
ROPE
T H E C A M P U S ’ S O N LY R E L I A B L E N E W S PA P E R
T R U T H
’t
n
o
w e
v s!
u
e
o
i
l
Y e
ye
b
e
r
u
yo
JOHN LILLEY WINS
ROCK PAPER
SCISSORS
TOURNAMENT
APRIL 6, 2006
Zero Sense US / $26.46 CANADA
T H A T ’ S
F I T
T O
P R I N T
STUDENT
SEES
JESUS’’’
FACE IN
PUDDLE!
MOON
FOUND
NEAR
EARTH
PHOTO
ACTUAL
SIZE
Tired of your creepy
neighbor?
Come to K&S
Properties, where
they will help
you find a safe
haven to stay.
t h e
ROPE
NoZe
a monthly, published
sporadically by
t h e
bros
thenozeous
monk
cunning linguist
bro.
BRO.
t
a
c
n
oze
lorde mayor
bush’s
krispy
broshekel
.sequitur
keeper
noze
noze
6
BRO.
vol 83 electronic-brother
table for
issue6
the brothers
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
kuntnoze kinte
867-530noze
fats dominoze
noze def
noze b4 hoes
noze better*
venerable exiles
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
al pacinoze
huey p. nozeton
ultra magnoze
rocky
marchianoze
nozeanderthal
dr. samir
nozeenanajar
ignozetius reilly
roseanne
board of graft
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
bro.
noze v. wade
argentinoze
romanoze clef
abstinoze
keyser nozé
canozebus
those guys
bro. charles k. ponozi
bro. sharonoze
bro. obi-wan kenozebi
bro. xenoze, warrior princess
bro. nozé cuervo
bro. noztre dame walk-on
bro. token hispanoze
trembling neophytes, sore afraid
bro. marlon brandnoze
roseanna danoze bro. nozepetism
bro. nozeb-gyn
bro. fear and nozing
in las vegas
bro. dynozemite
bro. love potion #noze
bro. nozetta stone
bro. electric nozealoo
and a cast of thousands bro. cliff’s noze
table of contents
lead story of horribly exaggerated importance.........................................cover
sell out page #1........................................................................................page 1
congress photo.........................................................................................page 2
this page...............................................................................................this page
kekogram...........................................................................................right below
important introduction.....................................................................to your right
hot chick upset about picture in rope......................................................page 6
lead story (again) of horribly exaggerated (again) importance..............page 7
baylor gets a new toy..................................................................................eight
lariat gets upset at us again............................................................everywhere
argentinoze’s last stand.......................................................................page 8+2
page 11 bro.................................................................................................guess
election coverage! hooray!.................................................................centerfold
very important message....................................................................page....14?
extra scoop on mark laymon..........................................................................15
baylor
gadfly
since
1924
point:counterpoint..................................................................................sixteen
sell out page: part dos....................................................................................19
connecting with our roots.................................................................keep going
lil’ tykes section.......................................................................towards the end
senior advice........................................................................................twenty 2
dear lorde mayor....................................................................................page 23
sell-out page..........................................................................................page 24
page three..............................................................................................page 27
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekle Upharsin! Satchel on, Bro. Long NoZe! Satch! BSSS! BMMC! HRGS! OMFG is that
the fluffy goodness that is truckloads of ice shaved in to luverly luverly snow, while people go swimming outside, Thetas are tanning inside, and the
Brothers NoZe are conspiring super secret funny in a extraorbital satellite NoZe space base/sinister anti-gravity robot-hamster test facility, there is some
sweet freaking snow on campus. So quit reading this, go play with the snow before it turns into post-jollyness slush and muddy goop. Because fellow
lovers of the funny, fearless fans, and first-period crossword aficionados, you’ve followed along with campus communiqués, baseball box-scores, and
nine letter words for nonsense, and it’s about time you got a change in that humdrum routine you call MWF, TR and TGIF. We prescribe another dose of
that panacea, one-punch, knockemout, cure-all every NoZe knows as the Funny. And while you’re at it, maybe pull up a lawn chair for a day at the river
(between the SLC and the BSB), put on some SPF, crack open a cold one and enjoy it while you can. It’s not easy being Pink, and Miss Piggy wants her
ring by junior spring, so you better hop to it, frogman, cause life in the service ain’t looking any better. Still beats chapel, though, am I right? I’m right.
S’alright? S’alright. Ok? Ok. Can I get a Satch? Satch. Satchel? Satch on. Satchellissimooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
How to use your free copy of the Rope
The Rope is a publication that, if used incorrectly, could prove quite ineffective. The inexperienced reader could easily get lost in the numerous pages and
chaotic manner of print if he/she does not understand the purpose of the material or the steps required to successfully exploit a copy of the Rope. It seems
that you have already jumped the gun a bit and started to use your Rope haphazardly. Please reform your ways and follow the steps below scrupulously,
because frankly we’re worried about some of you.
1. Pick up your copy. Be aware; your
copy won’t have your name on it.
Usually your issue is lying in a stack
somewhere on your path of travel,
and destiny will ultimately lead you
to the one designated for you. Also,
keep in mind that “issue” and “copy”
and “one” are singular words, which
is subliminal for “don’t be a gluttonous mooch.” However, you can take
more than one if you’re getting one
for your friend in Chapel (or in any
other situation where a friend asks
you to pick up a copy for him/her,
we didn’t mean to alienate anybody
by saying “friend in
Chapel,” its an example. If you don’t have
friends we didn’t
mean to isolate you
either, we were just
trying to clear up the
whole “one issue”
thing). Listen; just
pick up the freaking
thing.
2. Open the front cover. The Rope usually fig. 1.4
has a fairly enticing
front cover, and we wouldn’t blame
you if you were too enthralled with
the clever, mesmerizing cover to
proceed. But to use your free copy of
the Rope most effectively, you need
to get to what’s behind that front
cover of sheer visual deliciousness.
In order to do this, you, the reader,
are required to physically grasp the
front cover firmly (but not too firm as
you may crumple, or even tear, your
free copy of the Rope), and drag the
page to the left (right, if you choose
to read the issue upside-down), revealing what lies behind. Once this
is completed, you are free to experience the inner spectacle we at the
NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) have
concocted for your enjoyment (you
are now allowed to let go of the page
if you are still holding on).
3. Read. Some may
call this the most difficult requirement to
master, but the most
crucial task nonetheless. Reading is most
effectively done with
the eyes open. Once
you have accomplished that, glance
over the words and
understand the meanings associated with those words in
order to derive the Funny (Figure
1.3), which the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) has valiantly embedded into the collection of text. Should
the Funny be unapparent at first,
make sure your
eyes are, in fact,
open and that
you have entirely
mastered the art
of reading.
Reader (You)
The Funny
NoZe Brother
fig. 1.3
4. Laugh at the
Funny. You may have experienced
laughing before, and we assure you
that this involuntary action is perfectly normal; it happens to everyone and laughing is nothing to be
ashamed of. Laughing, although a
mysterious and sometimes awkward
act to the amateur, is believed to be
induced by the Funny. If you are uncomfortable with or not yet able to
express laughter, practice the initial
steps to laughter. First, appreciate the
Funny. Then, if you can console the
absence of laughter with a statement
such as “this is funny,” you will be
well on your way to a fulfilling Rope
reading experience.
5. Continue to Turn the Pages.
Hold on there, partner; you are not
done yet. Unless we got incredibly
schmammered (Figure 1.4) and neglected to write more than two pages
of material, you have got a lot more
ground to cover. Similar to Step 1,
grasp the page to your right (again,
left if you choose to read upsidedown), and drag the page to the left
(or right). Don’t be surprised to see
even more writing and other humorous material on the next page.1 We
here at the NoZe Mansion toil over
each and every issue of the Rope to
altruistically feed the masses (which
you are apart of) with the Funny,
much like child labor fed the Industrial Revolution. 2
Appreciate- to grasp the nature, worth, or
significance of
Laugh- the physical expression of merriment
The Funny- the embodiment of mirth and
laughter
Reader-one that reads
Reading- the action of interpreting print
Satch- (see satchel, satchelisimo) expression of approval.
Schmammered- stupefied by alcohol to the
degree of diminished physical and mental
control, or to the point of unconsciousness
(see blastered).
Once you have run out of pages to turn, you have successfully read through your free copy of the Rope. Here are a few other tips to help you take
further advantage of our work: Don’t read upside-down. It’s harder that way, and nobody is impressed when you do it. Give your loyalty and, more importantly, money to the advertised businesses without question. We don’t put those advertisements into our paper for you to enjoy, we put them in there
because they pay us to; feed them with your currency to keep us alive. Shower the NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) with compliments and adorations. Because
to be honest, our parents don’t love us.
1
The NoZe Brotherhood will not be held accountable for any accidental injury, loss of consciousness, or death caused by a shock over the existence of extended material.
NoZe Brotherhood does not condone the use of child labor, nor does the NoZe Brotherhood utilize the tinkering hands of children to produce your free copy of the Rope.
2 The
“Tell me, does this dress
make my body look small?”
BEARDED
LADY
Denied Pi Phi Bid
“I hate them! I hate
them all!,” sobbed a dejected
Josie Gerfstein after once again
being informed that she would
not be receiving a bid to Pi
Beta Phi for the fourth straight
semester. “They can just be
so catty sometimes… now get
away from me! I’m not in the
mood to be quoted right now.”
Gerfstein, who was diagnosed with hairy-face dysplasia at age 13, believes that
her not-so-common condition
is the reason for her restriction
into the sorority. She claims
that the whole rush process is
just a “glorified beauty contest”
and that it is “wrong of Pi Phi to
deny her a bid based solely on
her outward appearance.”
“I just don’t understand
why they won’t let me be a
member. I mean, it’s not like I
have an enormous blonde beard;
it is full and brunette. From
what I understood the only requirement to being a Pi Phi was
brown hair; that’s why I chose
them,” Gerfstein explained.
When asked why she
continued to rush a sorority after
thrice being rejected, Gerfstein
replied, “I need that acceptance;
that sweet, sweet acceptance.
Being a young, modern woman
with a full face of hair isn’t easy,
and I thought this would be an
easy way to make some friends.
Besides, buying friends is a lot
less work than making them on
my own.”
The rush procedure
at Baylor is a two-week process filled with events such as
mixers, brunches and tea-time
lovingly referred to as hazing.
Gerfstein said the only way she
was able to survive it enough to
be considered for a bid is due
to the fact that she has endured
such adversity throughout her
life, caused on by her condition. Gerfstein claims that this
conviction alone should warrant admission into the sorority.
Experts say that eight
out of ten girls actually believe
their outward appearance has
little to do with rushing a sorority. Studies have also shown
that ten out of ten girls that rush
a sorority are naïve.
When asked to comment on the alleged discrimination involving her sorority, Pi
Phi President Suzanne Skinner
said, “I really don’t understand
what her deal is. We have told
her thousands of times that we
would be willing to give her
a bid if she would just shave
that horrendous beard off. No
one wants some creepy, grizzly
bear like person in their organization. Well, except for maybe
KOT. And that’s only because
it would make you look that
much more faux-country.”
News of Gerfstein’s
plight has been slow to spread
across campus, but those who
have heard seem to be quite
passionate about their views.
Steve Abrahao, a San Antonio
senior, said, “That hairy thing
is a woman? My God! I always saw her walking around
campus holding hands with
Luke ‘Sweet Action’ Baker and
just assumed she was one of the
bears.”
Gerfstein remains confident that the situation will
resolve itself next fall as she
plans to once again rush Pi Phi.
As for the rest of campus, most
seem to agree that since the
problem involves a sorority, it
doesn’t really matter anyway.
JESUS’ FACE
SEEN IN
PUDDLE
WACO, TX – Believers and
skeptics alike were awed today as
Jesus Christ’s face was discovered
on a local puddle. The puddle,
which was formed after a recent
rainstorm, resides in a parking lot
near the corner of 18th street and I35. Witnesses say that Christ’s face
appeared on the puddle shortly after its formation and has been there
ever since.
month before that is offered low,
low cable rates (limited time only),
and the month before that is had the
image of me and some clouds. I
don’t know what this puddle is trying to tell us, but I get the feeling
that it is good.”
Experts from Baylor have
studied the puddle and report that is
simply a normal puddle. They were
unable to read any holy energy, or
“Hallelujah! Praise the lord! energy of any kind, emanating from
It is a sign,” exclaimed Thomas it. This has led them to conclude
Carlton, a Katy senior, after first that it is truly a miracle puddle, beseeing the mystical puddle. “I cause there is simply no other way
wouldn’t have believed it, had I to explain why it would present
not seen it with my own eyes. The such an image, and still be able to
Christ puddle is more amazing than mask the cause of the illusion.
the image of the Virgin Mary I saw
in my local church’s window. It is Attempts to remove the imundeniable proof that God is look- age have also proven to be inefing down upon us.”
fective. People have splashed the
puddle, and even gone so far as to
Not everyone is convinced throw rocks at it out of confusion,
that the puddle is a sign from the but after a short while the water rehereafter though. Disenfranchised settles and the holy image returns to
Arlington sophomore and die hard its previous glory.
Cure fan, Samuel “Mindfeather”
Thompson, has a theory of his own. “I really should have re“I really don’t think that is Jesus’ considered that acceptance letter
face that is amazing here; the credit to Rice. At least then I would have
should really go to the puddle. I saw been surrounded by fanatics that
this same puddle a month ago and it weren’t also idiots,” ranted Cooper
had a picture of a whopper on it, the Aldervich, a junior Philosophy ma-
jor from out of town.
“Those cretins have been
standing around that freakin’ puddle all day. But, if they would just
look up for a second, they would
see that the image was just a reflection of that Antioch billboard next
to the highway. How dumb to you
have to be?”
After his interview with us, Aldervich was immediately baptized in the puddle by the swarming
mass of believers. Upon his removal from the water, witnesses claim
Aldervich spouted a few expletives
at his assailants, and was last seen
walking off in a huff towards his
apartment. Some fear his baptism
was not a complete success.
Aliens Discover
Cancun Mexican
Restaurant
An alien race from Callisto,
Jupiter’s largest and most flavor-deprived moon, refused to leave the
fine dining establishment of Cancun wen they discovered the wonderful nachos and decadent flan.
“We have no problem with
serving them,” said Julio Lopez,
Cancun’s owner and resident script
writer. “But we’re not sure they’re
savvy to our whole concept of money..but we’re still holding out for a
17 percent tip.”
Apparently the aliens plan
to return to Callisto later this month
and seriously deliberate franchising
Cancun intergalactically.
As of now, no one has made
any definitive conclusions as to the
puddles true nature, or what message it is trying to send. But, many
fear that given its current rate of
evaporation, it may be gone for good
before its riddle can be solved.
Cancun
Restaurant
The puddle can be viewed
at its current location for as long as
it exists. Tickets can be purchased
from Campus Ministries for 12 dollars in advance, or 15 dollars at the
puddle.
254.752.0041
1229 N. 18th
CAT ORGAN REPLACES
PAT NEFF CARILLON
SASQUATCH NAMED
POPPA ROLLO’S
KING OF SAUSAGE
Last night during Poppa
Rollo’s 32nd annual Sausage Fest,
an eating contest featuring the restaurants most popular and over-referenced topping, Sasquatch dominated over the competition when
he ate 324.27 pizzas in less than a
jiffy.
Sasquatch, who trekked
from the caverns of the Andes
to participate in the event, only
stopped eating when a waiter unintentionally nudged him whilst
refilling the competing contestants’
beer, sending the European behemoth into an unbridled rage. Sasquatch proceeded to devour the
unsuspecting waiter. He then went
on to drink seventeen quarts of
Mulberry juice and three crates of
Franzia boxed wine.
Sasquatch threatened to do
the same to any bystanders who
even considered giving this report
a comment, which is why this article is suspiciously missing comments.
Mondays
$1.25 Long necks
Tuesdays
$3.00 Half Pitchers
254.776.6776
703 N. Valley Mills
In an attempt to
endorse Baylor University
with a unique and appealing addition to the campus, Student Government
has approved the replacement of Baylor’s musical
bell system, which rings
every fifteen minutes, with
a Catsio keyboard, a musical instrument which relies on the cries of felines
and a complex system of
speakers, to announce the
time throughout campus.
“We’re
trying
to break that stereotype
of your ‘normal Baptist
University’ before 2012,”
President John Lilley
said. “We had numerous
ideas, such as the materialization of the Baylor
Bubble, remodeling the
campus to look similar to
the ‘Honey I Shrunk the
Kids’ playground attraction at Disney World, and
a proposition for Freshman sacrifices, but none
seemed as economical, intriguing, nor as grandiose
as the cat piano.”
There’s more than one way to
skin a cat, but when you do
they go out of tune faster.
voice pitch. These felines
were then placed in the
piano’s cages, and as each
key was struck, the designated cat was prompted
with a sharp spike into
the tail, thus providing
the most intriguing instrument.
Similar to Kircher’s invention, Baylor’s
Catsio modernizes the
method by emitting a
slight shock to the designated feline as each note
is played. In front of each
cat is a microphone which
broadcasts to campus via
stereo speakers. Ronald
Andrews, the designated
caretaker for the instrument and former employee of PetCo, assures that it
is only slightly harmful to
the animals.
Baylor’s Catsio,
proposed by Harold Von
Schlubenfoster, Baylor’s
Interim Vice President of
the Absurd, was inspired
by Athanasius Kircher’s
cat piano, first cited in
Musurgia
Universalis.
Kircher’s piano operated “When we inthrough a meticulous se- stalled the instrument, the
lection of cats ranging in notes were resounding off-
beat after only forty-five
minutes of music and we
couldn’t understand why,”
Andrews said. “Then I noticed during a routine inspection of the instrument
that the cats ‘C Sharp’ and
‘B Flat’ had singe marks
where the hair from the
shock had been burned
off. Consequently I realized that the back half
of each cat should to be
shaved in order to prevent small ‘flare-ups’ and
maintain the tone quality
of each note.”
a new cat every Sunday to
ensure quality sound and
endurance. Von Schlubenfoster says they were fortunate to find enough stray
cats on campus to provide
for the new instrument.
Unfortunately
Baylor’s Catsio keyboard
has been met with endless
criticism from cat sympathizers and spoil-sports
ever since the announcement was made public.
Nevertheless, the feline
instrument is a spectacle
that is sure to turn some
The modern Catsio heads towards Baylor
is much safer than Kirch- University.
er’s original instrument,
Lilley assured, since the “It’s amazing to
half-shaven cats are no hear the collective voices
longer dealt permanent of the shock-induced cat
damage. However, the choir meow Strauss’ ‘Blue
psychological effect of Danube’,” Von Schlubengratuitous shock on cud- foster said. “Except every
dly cats has not yet been so often a hair ball throws
determined.
Moreover, off a note or two.”
each note is replaced with
JUSTICE BOARD FOILS FUHRER
FUN ONCE AND FOR ALL
JOE CITIZEN PONDERS WHY JURISDICTION DOESN’T APPLY TO SUPERHEROES
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have him!”
related a jubilated editor in chief of the Lariat Judicial Board and Green Lantern, Kelly Coleman,
to a crowd of four journalism students required
to attend the press conference for course credit.
The proclamation came after several minutes of
“really, really hard thinking” and even less time
actually capturing of the famed fugitive, Fuhrer
Fun.
Known for such fiascoes as foam parties,
high school dances, and seven minutes in heaven,
Fuhrer Fun has a rap sheet so long it has been
banned from printing on Baylor premises due to
strict paper usage restrictions. Lately, however,
the General of Jubilation has kept a low profile,
eluding capture until he was discovered in a bill
advance by student congress the week before
spring break.
After waiting patiently for congress to
conclude a pointless discussion addressing the
diversity problem on campus, Mr. Fun took the
floor to introduce a bill to bring an air of levity to
the room before the Fuhrer headed to South Padre for the remainder of spring break. During his
absence, the Justice Board composed an opinion
based editorial and warrant to serve the jack of
jokers upon his return. Disguised as a credible
source of information, the editorial rendered Fun
helpless as he stood dazed by the ridiculous nature hero, Jana Henderson of the obscure duo, the
of the argument based on absolutely no founda- Wonder Twins, leapt at the chance to be in the
tion.
limelight. Jana explained, “We just wanted to
step in before congress was led astray by the wiles
“It’s a clear cut case, I don’t understand of Fuhrer Fun. Without machine-like efficiency
why the J.B. is getting such flack for it,” Aqua- and lack of human emotion, how can politicians
man Turney stated. “They had fun, and the J.B. expect to taken seriously?”
is against that, so
we think every
Wo n d e r
one else should be
Woman Merchant,
too. You see, the
becoming
well
Fuhrer sneaks into
aware of how riyour life, feigndiculous the caping interest. At
ture of the fugitive
first it’s nice. He
was turning out
brings smiles and
to be, desperately
laughs, and then
strained to regain
he leaves you with
the unquestioning
tears in your eyes
allegiance of the
and only memories
populous, “Stuof the good times.
dent Congress is
So there you are…
supposed to end
cold…alone…only you and the emptiness. Then poverty. That’s why it was created in the first
you get lonely, oh so lonely, until you think you place. Oh, and that hazing stuff we thought was
can hear animals talking to you, so you talk back. student activities job…well that’s supposed to be
What he does is just plain awful, I can’t talk any- Student Congress’ as well. Until the problems of
more right now.” Aquaman then had to excuse the world are solved by congress, it is the belief of
himself, fleeing to the ocean where the waters the Justice Board that Fun should be incarcerated.
would conceal his tears.
There’s just no room for Fun here at Baylor. Well
Filling in for the absence of a well known that’s our opinion anyway.”
Having trouble reading?
Try Effective Learning Center
www.effectivelearning.com
or 800.927.9194
(Hey, it worked for us)
L.A.R.P.ERS STUMBLE UPON
LIVE+2 Tennis
DRAGON!
Balls of Eternal Flame Deemed Ineffectual
Long forgotten and perpetually lost (at
least in the evangelical sense), the local chapter of
the Live Action Role Players met a tragic fate last
Thursday as their weekly adventure and reminder
of their failed lives concluded with the discovery
of a real live dragon.
Rascal Twinkletoes, 4th level Rogue, ad- of “Blood, Death, and Vengeance!” faded away,
vanced the stunningly pointless argument, “I don’t the party had been decimated, leaving only the
get it. That tennis ball represented a 9th level fire- party’s healer well enough to tell the tale. Between
ball, which should have averaged 31.5 points of weeps and sobs, the healer mourned, “Too much
damage to any normal creature. But considering damage, it was just too much damage. I only get 4
that was a white dragon, it should have dealt dou- cure serious wounds a day, and even with those it
ble damage, unless the dragon saved, which we all was almost as if my words didn’t have the power
With little light remaining in the day, the know he wouldn’t because dragons have terrible to heal people; it really had me questioning what
group set out to make short
Antioch church had
work of the ancient dragon
taught me.
laying siege to the bastion of
Baylor Science they called
Sadly, it seems the
home, once they secured
destruction of the
permission from their parparty could have
ents. The dragon was to be
been avoided. When
played by their game masasked his comments
ter and platonic life partner,
on the situation,
who had spent most of the
the dragon said, “I
last few days constructing
didn’t want to hurt
his wings out of PVC pipe
them, I really didn’t.
and his sister’s prom dress.
To be honest, I
Not surprisingly, the G.M.
was hoping they
was delayed at dinner for
wouldn’t notice me;
attempting to have his pudbeing seen around
ding before his ate his meat.
those types of peoUnable to contact the rest
ple pretty much
of his party to cancel, the
kills all your ‘Street
remaining dungeon-delv“My word, Nigel! Aren’t these the queerest of outfits we’ve Cred’. But then one
ers sought the dragon elseof them started hitfound
here
in
the
woods?
I
wonder
what
they’re
here
for.”
where.
ting me with a wet
pool noble while
Too immersed in their alternate reality, the reflex saves. It’s obvious the dragon was cheat- another tried putting plastic knives in places I can
group charged at a confused dragon before the ing!”
only show you on a dragon doll. Tell me, what
consequences of their actions could enter their
creature would stand for that kind of tran-species
underdeveloped psyches. Loethar, 5th level Bar- However, not all members of the party hazing?”
barian, laid into the dragon with a mighty rage viewed the tennis ball attack as a failure. “I’m
granted to him on page 35 of the rule book. How- just stoked I threw the tennis ball that far! That But just when it looked like the L.A.R.P.ers
ever, after leaving his broadsword out in the rain was like 35 feet, which may not be impressive to would perish, along with all future pointless arthe night before, the cardboard was just too soggy the quarterback of the baseball team, but I never ticles concerning them, the stash of Jolt Cola and
to have any impact. The first indication that some- played soccer if you can believe that.”
Cheetos was depleted. The party agreed to call it
thing was amiss came when Galdstaff’s trusted +2
a day, and hurried home before curfew.
Dragonsbane tennis ball bounced off the dragon’s The carnage that ensued was too horrific
chest and rolled to a slow stop a few feet away.
for even this reporter to relate. When the final cry
the noble noze proudly
present the 81st annual
PINK TEA
in accordance to the will of the immaculate
and supreme, innovative and quite lean deity
Elmo in celebration of 81 years of peers and
beers. Satchel on!
Fortunates, be prepared!
Neophytes, beware!
Dream
Connection
Tattoo Parlor
Our tattoos are just as
interesting but not
nearly as creepy.
612 Franklin Ave.
Ph: 254.714.2504
PAGE
9
BRO
BRO. NOZE SEQUITUR
BRO. NOZE SEQUITUR looks a little pretentious,
but we’ll tell you right away that he’s not.
He’s just a little bit better than you are. Actually, scratch that. He is quite the pompous fly
swatter. This little tea cake is always ready
for some fun, and it only takes a harmless
dumpster fire or a good natured badger fight
to bubble up his excitement. He’’ likes rough
stuff too, along the lines of nude co-ed kick
boxing, sea shell collecting, and extreme barbiturate abuse... as well as the occasional game
of donkey-ball. No shy, quiet brother here! But
that’s okay, because we all like ’‘ em loud anyways. Satchel on brother! Reach NoZe Sequitur
at [email protected]. He’s waiting!
ELECTION
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Mark Laymon claims to have born in China.
Well if you were born in China, why weren’t we hungry an hour after we voted for you Mr. Laymon? We distinctly re
member being quite full after the last vote. Are you sure you weren’t born in Italy?
How do we know you aren’t affiliated with the Mafia?
Mark Laymon is currently running unopposed for the office of student body president. What happened to all the other candidates? Are they wearing concrete swimming shoes? Are they sleeping with the fishes?
Laymon would like you to believe that if you didn’t vote for him, that he wouldn’t send his crony Luke “Sweet Action” Baker to take care of you. Truth is, he probably would send Baker after you. That guy has earrings. You don’t want to mess with that.
Mark Laymon is a member of Chamber of Commerce. That means he access to the Bears. Maybe he will feed you to the bears. We’re not saying he will, but he could if he wanted to.
Cat out of the bag Mr. Laymon? Or is it Bear out of the bag?
Well Mr. Laymon, which is it?
If you vote for Mark Laymon, you run the risk of voting in an administration potentially rife with mafia hits
and bear attacks. Don’t you think you deserve more from a student body president?
CANDIDATES FOR INTERNAL VICE PRESIDENT
Travis Plummer can often times be seen wearing really nice shirts. What? You think you’re better than us Plummer?
You think you’re so hot, don’t you Plummer?
There was this one time that we totally overheard Travis Plummer talking to some guy about how he thought he did
pretty good on some quiz or something like that. Someone’s not afraid to toot their own horn.
Travis Plummer wouldn’t mind telling you that he thinks he could do a good job being your internal vice president.
Travis Plummer doesn’t sound very humble to us.
We’ve never been to a meeting before, but we can assume that the doors to the room they have student congress in are
normal sized. How could Mr. Plummer’s “big head” fit through these doors?
Even if Plummer is voted Internal Vice President, he couldn’t fit through the door to run Congress meetings. So what’s
the point in voting for him?
Think about that when you cast your vote.
PHOTO
DOES
NOT
EXIST
Brent Wilkins wears glasses. Some people would say that he has four eyes. What’s the matter Wilkins? Are two eyes not good enough for you? You sound awfully greedy to us. How can we be so sure your greed won’t tempt you into stealing from the student life fund?
Another analogy we could make about Brent Wilkins’ glasses is that he doesn’t have the vision to guide congress. Vision 2012? It’s more along the lines of Vision 20120. Or possibly 20120000. How big does it get Wilkins?
How big indeed.
The office of I.V.P. requires people to read lots of stuff with really small print. What if Brent Wilkins misreads?
He could have his finger on “the button” and all because he couldn’t tell what he was reading?
Maybe he doesn’t see well because he is old. How old are you, Wilkins? Really old?
You shouldn’t vote for Brent Wilkins because, at his age, he could go at anytime. What is the line of succession for student government? Is there a student version of the 25th amendment?
With so many questions, how can you honestly vote for Brent Wilkins?
SPECIAL
Kyle Kriegel is running for Internal Vice President. But right now he is student congress’ chaplain. What’s the matter Kyle? Is God not good enough for you? Does he not satiate your endless hunger for more power?
You know what happens when someone walks away from the work of the Lord? They usually get struck by lightning. Or get harmed in some other really unlikely fashion.
What good would an I.V.P. be if he got struck by lightning, or was hurt in some other really unlikely fashion? In our opinion, not very good.
It’s kind of like that movie Footloose. You know, the one where the preacher has to choose between stodgy religious
conservatism or happy go lucky dancing. We all know that the Baylor way is the stodgy religious conservatism way. Well right now, Kyle Kriegel is putting on his dancing shoes, and getting ready for the time of his life.
What dance was it that made you lose your conviction Mr. Kriegel? The waltz? The tango? The Cabbage Patch? Or was it
all three?
CANDIDATES FOR EXTERNAL VICE PRESIDENT
Did someone say that Katie Weiss is a Tri Delt? Yes. We said that.
Three D’s Miss Weiss? That sounds like a solid 1.0 G.P.A. to us. What kind of a leader can’t maintain a decent class aver
age? A bad leader. That’s what kind.
Re-Elect Katie Weiss? We don’t remember voting for her the first time around. How than did she get into office? How, we ask you? The truth: someone else probably voted for her. The lie: she bought her way in.
Greased some palms, if you know what we are saying. Dished out the green, if you catch our gist. Grabbed the money ox by
the left horn, if you like the cut of our jib. Another euphemism for bribery, euphemism understanding us.
If you vote for Katie Weiss, than maybe you got paid off too. Well then, good for you. But we’re not buying it.
Andrew Franklin claims to be a person. But we ask you, have you ever seen this alleged person? Neither have we.
What are you hiding from Mr. Franklin? The truth?
What Andrew Franklin doesn’t want you to know is that last semester almost 95% of Baylor students didn’t him.
How can so many people be wrong? In a democracy the majority rules, and here the majority says that Andrew Franklin doesn’t exist.
If you can’t believe this, than maybe you can’t believe in democracy. Maybe you are a communist. Maybe Franklin
is a communist.
A vote for Andrew Franklin is a vote for someone who doesn’t exist. Remember that at the polls.
“Honest” Allan Marshall huh? More like “Not Honest” Allan Marshall.
How’s that taste Mr. Marshall? Bitter? We thought so.
Nice hat Mr. Marshall. But the question is what are you hiding under there? A gambling addiction? An embarrassing son? Or is the fact that you have a full head of hair. Well then, why did you say you were bald that one time? Because you’re not so honest, that’s why.
Allan Marshall claims to like Abraham Lincoln. Fancy a man in a beard do you Mr. Marshall? See something you like in that signature mole? Does a top hat float your boat? Looking for that special guy to cut down your cherry tree?
Or is it that you just wanted to steal his slogan? Stealing the “Honest” moniker doesn’t sound very honest to us.
Don’t live a lie. Don’t vote Allan Marshall
VOTE LORDE MAYOR
To all students and the few of you who actually care, I, the Lorde Mayor, have decided to throw my hat in the ring for the office of the Student Body
President. I know this may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you; for once someone who is under qualified for the position putting his name in the hat
for an office job here at Baylor. The usual way of doing things is to make a list of promises that are not intended to be kept, a lame and shameless way of
receiving votes from those who pledge their allegiance to likes of Kristen Kan and Mark Laymon. So, without further adieu, here it is the list of promises
I have to offer. Writing this while under the influence of paper machie fumes, I do realize that this list will probably be over exhausted, yet unable to fill
the “God shaped hole” you have been trying to fill with meaningless banter. It’s okay,
*I vow to deliver on Mark Laymons’s blundered promise of giving students free
Napster…and a free lifetime supply of Zagnuts.
*A petting zoo will be placed on fountain mall.
*The Baylor Marina will be used henceforth for mud wraslin’
*Also, I do not fear having to perform political favors. Quite frankly, they have
become a part of the Baylor tradition.
*Tomfoolery will no longer be allowed…except on Thursdays.
*In fact, every Thursday will be dedicated to tomfoolery.
*The Student government office will be replaced with a Long John Silvers and free
hushpuppies will be distributed during Dr. Pepper hour.
*The NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) will occupy the Chamber office.
*Chapel will be offered as an upper level elective for the “really good Christians,”
rather than a requirement for us normal folks.
*The FIJI’s and Tri-Deltas will be spayed or neutered, respectively.
*Every Friday the Golden Wave Band will march down 5th Street playing “The
Macarana.” Dancing will not be optional.
*Theatre Appreciation class will be replaced with a Truffle Appreciation Seminar.
*A giant fence will be place around Penland dormitory…no reason. Just some fun.
*“That Good Ol’ Baylor Line” will be replaced with Europe’s “The Final Countdown.”
While running my campaign, I had planned on taking a more traditional approach, kissing babies and the like. But, there seems to be a shortage of babies to kiss. This cannot be tolerated. We should never have a shortage of babies for either politicians or laymen alike to kiss.
To improve the overall value of our campus I intend to aesthetically improve Baylor. How can
this Jerusalem on the Brazos be more beautiful you ask? Streets of Gold. No, not Oz I say, but
Heaven. Not only to convince the skeptics that a physical Heaven does exist, but also to entice
the lost to Christianity. Just as Subway, and everyone’s favorite Jared, achieved their growth
through active franchising, I say to you today, Friends of Baylor, we shall do the same with
Heaven.
Lorde Mayor TacNoZe, seen here
without his gaggle of fly honeys.
In summation, I am aware that there is someone who has publicly spoken out against me. Let me assure you that he is lying when he says that the
office of Student Body President is nothing more than a face with a good smile. No matter how good looking Mark Laymon may be, we must assume he
did in fact use his wits. I send a message to all who may be easily persuaded by cheap words and believe that I should not receive the office because I am
not good looking. Simply put, I will not be taken down by a small fraction of a man.
So, for all of you skeptics, I assure you that as the next Student Body President of Baylor University, I will reinstate apathy, eliminate change, and
make sure that there are babies everywhere. To be honest, I’m sure this thing is rigged, but I would still be slightly amused to receive your vote.
Victory,
Bro. Bush’s Krispy TacNoZe
Lorde Mayor
MARK LAYMON
WRESTLES SELF FOR PRESIDENCY
With the polls closing today, the student government elections are hot on everyone’s mind.
But the election decision burns especially deep into the soft spot of
incumbent Student Body President
Mark Laymon.
Last year’s campaign was
a clean sweep for Laymon, whose
running opponent, Nathan Wacker,
didn’t stand a chance according to
Laymon.
“You don’t even have to run
a smear campaign against Wacker.
His name does it for him,” he said.
Laymon was uncontested
in the contest right up to the filing
deadline. However, at the eleventh
hour and the fifty-ninth minute, a
fellow student congress member
dropped his name into the hat. Suddenly Mark “Soft Spot” Laymon’s
face turned blood red as he sat in
his office facing 5th street, petting
his cat with his claw and plotting
his hit on his “new jack” opponent.
Laymon’s opponent, Lark
Maymon, went on two dates that
night, something even Laymon
doesn’t have the balls to do. While
leaving
Dock’s
Riverfront, he
spotted
a man
across
t h e
parking
lot. Lark
gave his
date the keys and told her to drive
his Harley home because he had
some business to attend to. She
swooned as he popped his leather
jacket.
Lark was alone with the
strange visitor, and they wrestled
all night in the parking lot. When
the man realized he could not beat
Lark, he dislocated his kneecap
(What we don’t need in a president,
is one with week knees. Just look at
FDR.). When the sun rose over the
Waco skyline, the man said, “Let
me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Lark would not let him
go.
I will not let you go until
you bless me,” he said.
“Fine, fine. You have a
mean half nelson. You’re name will
no longer be Lark Maymon, which
means “The ladies drool for thou.”
It will be Mark Laymon, which
means “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
So Mark called the place
“the showdown at the parking lot
of Dock’s Riverfront,” because he
had no imagination.
As he limped away wearing his leather jacket, he mustered
the strength to call up his woman to
give him
a massage. To
this day,
women
are not
allowed
to
eat
the tendon attached to
Mark’s hip, even if they are really
hungry.
Mark prepared for his race
for the presidency, while Laymon
worried about capturing over half
of his fellow students’ votes.
As
election
day
approached,
signs began showing up on
campus.
The external and internal vice
president
races were heating up as well, but
all people seemed united on one
man for president.
“I’ve looked all around our
Lexon-enclosed campus stuffing
my face with cherry, blueberry and
rhubarb pies, and I can’t find any
other signs for president. I guess
I’m voting for Laymon,” Future
senator Thomas “Make ‘em laugh”
Herndon said.
Laymon was leading in preelection polls by 100%, plus or minus 50-75% margin of error. In reality the scientific polling methods
used consisted of asking five dudes
outside the FIJI house if they like
Laymon.
“Well sure! He’s dreamy,”
said Michael “The plow” Steamplow.
Election
results
came
streaming in as people logged into
the B.I.N during Dia; a total of 3%
of the campus voted in the elections.
Results were tallied and a grand
total of 450 votes were counted
for Laymon, resulting in a tie with
Mark, who also had 450 votes.
Election officials counted
ballots over and over and over
again, but the number of votes for
both candidates
n e v e r
changed.
It was a
dead tie
and a runoff was
declared.
Unfortunately, the
Lariat had already gone to press before election results were finalized,
and the next day’s lead story proved
disastrous and embarrassing: “Laymon defeats Laymon.”
As student congress bylaws
state, all run-offs must be decided
by a wrestling match. Mark was
more than ready for the fight.
“I went 15 rounds with God
in the Dock’s parking lot. I don’t
think Laymon can bring the pain,”
he said.
The cage match provided
too much for Laymon, as Mark
used his good kneecap to inflict severe pain of Laymon’s soft spot.
After the match, the judges conferred, and with 17 points,
Mark was declared the victor. He
promptly called a press conference
after receiving a concession phone
call from his opponent. He lifted
the front page of the newspaper
high with a toothly grin.
“This is for all those who
believed in me, my campaign and
my love for killing hookers,” he
said.
POINT: HUMAN, MONSTER
RELATIONS STRAINED
by: Boy Bat, Business Major
You know, it is true what they say: “it’s hard out here for a pimp.” But let me tell you this, it’s
even harder out here for a bizarre, half human baby, half Mexican free-tailed bat amalgamation
such as myself.
People have always hated monster-kind, but it seems that the tension has gotten worse as of
late. What’s more, no one but us monsters seem to care that the escalating problem. Look at
it this way: one girl wears too much bronzer to an SAE party, and suddenly everyone is out for
blood. However, last October I went to a Delt Halloween party and almost everyone was in
“monster face” and, to date, no one has been brought to justice. I’m not one for revenge, but
fair’s fair.
Fact: Monsters are NOT people too, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings. I would like
to believe that the problem is bred out of ignorance, but the way some people stare at me during
Dr. Pepper Hour, I know it’s more than that.
There was a time when I considered giving up. Last semester, I was really close to transferring
to a more liberal leaning college, somewhere that I wouldn’t be singled out as “the weird one”.
(You think I’m freaky? Then you’ve never seen a drum circle/hackie sack fest at UT). But, I
chose to stay; the only way people will change is if us monsters take the first step.
I don’t delude myself into thinking that the problem will be fixed overnight, but if you humans
are willing to give my kind a chance, we can all work together for a better tomorrow.
SONNY’S BYOB
Waco’s #1 Adult Entertainment Center
Come Find Sonnys!
$5.00 Admission Everyday 6pm - 8 pm
April is costumer appreciation month! That means
free beer (12 ounces only) for the month of April.
If you show up hammered, you can’t partake.
“What’s the matter, Boy Scout?
Never seen a pair of those before?”
COUNTERPOINT: I KNEW YOU
WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!
Victory is mine! I have once again seen my predictions come true. Last
week, whilst gazing into the flame of a candle, I wrote
by: Nostradamus, 16th Century Mystic
A boy will come from a crowd of beasts,
Not quite man, yet not quite bat shall he be,
He will scribe on parchment a point of concern,
And I, the seer, shall predict his coming.
See what I did there? I didn’t just predict you would write your point, I
even predicted I would predict it. Confused? I’m not surprised… because I can
see the future!
Man, I rule so hard. Check out the prophecy I made yesterday:
As morning passes, 11:15 AM the clock shall strike,
A great and totally rad guy shall write his own future,
Two score and five minutes come and go, now it is noon,
A midday feast shall be had in turn,
Do I even need to tell you that I was right? Yes I do. I was right.
BOOYAH!
I am sure you are thoroughly impressed with my abilities, I mean let’s be
honest, how could you not be? I’m amazing. But just for you, I will make an on
the spot prediction. Here it is:
The counterpoint will be written unbelievably well,
Its author shall be revered for his amazing whit and charm,
The scribe of said piece shall see its end coming,
All who read the work will wet themselves at its completion,
You’re going to be needing a change of pants… now.
Holy Law # 2
brothers still here is still
2 brothers too many.
Scruffy Murphy’s
-pub o’ the irish-
“You listen here Ralph, I can get blastered
at Scruff’s with or without you!”
On Speight, between 12th and 13th street
“Photoshop This”
-- a rant by photog Leroy J. Moneymaker
Hello. I am a photographer and I am one job away from losing my livelihood. In today’s world of mouse jockeys and techno-philes, the role
of the true photographer is slowly fading away. That’s right, I actually take the pictures. I’m not some punk kid with a pirated copy of Photoshop; I
have a degree (and a pretty sweet camera to boot). When I need to make a deadline, I have to hit the streets and find my pictures. I can’t just Google
search, cut and paste. It ain’t that easy for me kid!
Photoshop is just one giant lie, and we all know that lies make baby Jesus cry. Fun Fact: when Pinocchio tells a lie his nose grows. Pinocchio
takes his photos like a real man and abstains from Photoshop for obvious reasons.
Being a real photographer isn’t just pushing buttons and twisting knobs. Do you know how hard it is to just find BoyBat, let alone sit still for
two minutes? He has A.D.H.D. because he is very intimate with his secrets; something only a true photographer would know.
But I digress, photography isn’t all bad. For instance, some things you just cant fake with Photoshop. Photos in the nude, for example. Were
I to ever come across and a member of the fairer sex in the buff, I could snap away and keep the memories forever. Let’s see you find nudie pictures
on your beloved internet photoshoppers!
Real photographs are of superior quality as well. As a true photographer I am incapable of thinking in terms of mega pixels or digital zooms,
I only know one word: reality. Can ya dig? Those digital boys just want to give you the illusion they caught it all on film… but they didn’t.
Me and my kind are a dying breed. The computers are taking over, and our heads are first on the block. But thankfully I will always have a
job with credible sources like The Weekly World News or The Rope, because you can’t fake pictures that good.
GOLDENS
BOOKS
He doesn’t have any money for food, but at
least he can buy a book in the dollar bin.
Ph: 254.754.5729
3112 Franklin Ave.
olive branch
fine eatery
Tired of people telling you what to order?
Come to Olive Branch of a changeF of
pace.
Ph: 254.757.0885
601 Franklin Ave.
CRAMPED QUARTERS
STRAINING YOUR
ROOMMATE
RELATIONSHIP?
LET RIVERCREST
FIND YOU A PLACE
WITH SPACE.
RIVERCREST
APARTMENTS
PH: 254.755.6100
66 DAUGHTREY AVE.
Bust of Samuel Palmer Brooks, You’re the Best
Conjoined Twin a NoZe Brother Could Ask For
A Memoir, by Bro. Marlon BrandNoZe
Oh Bust of Samuel Palmer Brooks, Sweet,
Sweet Bust of Samuel Palmer Brooks, how good
you have been to me this past year. Though many
claimed I was a fool for walking around with a
30 pound bronze bust permanently attached to
my shoulder, you stood by me. You never once
flinched in the face of their taunts.
“No, I love you more!”
Though many would say that having you
on my shoulder is a burden to bear, I would say
that the tribulation is yours. How strong-willed
you must be. How steel in character. You, above
all others, are the one that truly inspires.
When the decision was made to tear down
our dear, beloved, yet decrepitly-old Brooks Dormitory, you had to choose a new home. I am
humbled that you would grace my shoulder in the
same fashion that you had the Brooks Archway
for these past countless years.
I know that it’s hard to maintain my secret
student identity with you in tow, mostly because
you refuse to wear a wig as a disguise. But I have
no recourse but to respect your decision. You are
a proud and noble spirit, and I am no one to tell
you how to live your life; no, that is not my place.
Mine is to only bask in your glory and hope that
one day I can achieve a level of greatness that is a
fraction of yours.
Softly and sweet you whisper inspirations
into mine ear. I fear that God himself knows no
confidence as grand as that which I feel because
of you. At times you may be stern, and others soft
as a daisy petal, but never do you steer me wrong.
Like a Junegold peach hanging motionless in the
hill country morning, you shine. And may you
shine on always my brother.
You snore. By Apollo’s most radiant chariot, do you snore! Yet I fear that I could not sleep
without it now. The night’s cold, bitter hands
would rack me with insomnia for the rest of my
days, should I ever part from you now.
Cum Laude! Nay, Magna Cum Laude!
NAY, Summa Cum Laude I shall achieve solely
because you. The inconceivable depth of knowledge you have accumulated over the ages has been
invaluable to me in class. I would not say that the
sanctity of the honor code has been breached, for
you and I are now one in the same. My professors
have not markers capable of bestowing enough
pluses to follow the A’s that now reside upon my
examinations. Only you and your wit can rival
my G.P.A. in grandness.
When I am fortunate enough to be noticed
through your radiance, entertaining a lady can, at
times, be difficult now that we are together. Even
if the proverbial “hook-up” is achieved, I surely
would not jest in believing that the siren we have
ensnared has eyes for anyone but you. I could be
angered by this fact; I could tear down the heavens themselves with my rage, were it not for my
gratitude to you for giving me the opportunity to
biblically know the caliber of women that I have
biblically known.
I could sing your praises aloud until my
lungs did collapse, but the keys of my laptop keyboard would surely wear down to nothingness
were I allowed to fully express the full scope of
my love for you. Surely you know you are great,
it is one of the privileges of omniscience, but I
hope that this simple piece I have scribed out here,
can give you even an inkling of my true appreciation for you. May statues be erected to you!
Vampire Clown Rhinos Find Refuge at Common Grounds
After being kicked off the streets with no where else to turn, the rare but humble vampire clown rhinos, natives to east Waco and Elm Mott, have finally found a home in the quaint inviting atmosphere of Common Grounds,
a local coffee shop and beanerie. “Sure they’re vampires...and yeah, they balloon animals are a bit nonrepresentational,” said owner Jill Mashburn. “But all in all, it’s not too bad, and they’ve been great for business! After all, at
what other coffee shop can you find a vampire clown rhino?”
We here at the Rope are quite familiar with vampire clown rhinos. After all, we did do some work with
Bethany McCraw. Our only advice is that you don’t pet them. Trust us.
Ph: 254.757.2957
1123 S. 8th St.
WEEKLY WORLD
ROPE
Junior
Can you find Mr. PuZzle in
the magic eye below?
Bro. NoZe Better
“My grandfather was a racist man. One time
he woke up in the middle of thenight, saw
a black man riding a horse, and shot him.
Nothing ever happened to him because of it
though. I thought, “What a kook!” I mean,
I’ll shoot someone in the middle of the night
for awakening me, but I am an equal opportunity killer. Know what I’m saying?”
I think we do know what you’re saying,
Brother... I think we do. Satch on!
? ?
DID YOU KNOW...
Answer: Mr. PuZzle
Do
!
e
m
an epic parable,
straight from the lips of
I am incredibly
schmammered
right now
WHO CARES...
There is a Long
John Silver’s across
the highway
Bankston’s Discovers Cure for Cancer during Magic: The Gathering.
While locked in an epic seven-hour card game at Bankston’s, cancer victim Bobby Bath was miraculously cured.
After Bobby laid down his Mourning Thrull card, he felt a strange warmth cover his body, much like the warmth he felt when
his mom forced him to him read to small children in his spare time.
Suddenly his brain exploded, and the remains splattered a formula on the wall, which pinpoints the genetic flaw that
causes cancer. Even though Bob won’t be able to enjoy his celebrity, he helped a world in need conquer a disease indeed.
Ph: 254.755.0070
1321 S. Valley Mills
Guest Columnist:
Matt McDade, a.k.a. Matty McFratdaddy
Reflections On My First Senior Year
Hey ya’ll, McDade here to let you know what’s up in the Fratmosphere. I know you’re wonderin’, “McDade, your year kicked total ass! How can I have an awesome senior year like you?” Well, to help out those that
can’t learn by example, I’ll spell it out for ya. Here’s how it goes, so stay on your toes you dirty hoes (yeah, that’s
right, I’m a badass with mad flow).
Elvis Pigs on Spring
Rolls at Clay Pot
After trucking across America in his 16-wheeler, Elvis Presley
was sighted devouring copious helpings of spring rolls from the famed
Clay Pot. Presley consumes three at
a time, followed by a double shot of
peanut sauce.
Surprisingly, Presley is not
only eating for himself, but for Neptunian septuplets as well. Congrat’s
Mr. Presley, it’s an extraterrestrial
tri-ped!
Don’t expect to see Elvis in
public any time soon; he’ll be too
busy cooking for all his newlings.
Fortunately, he’ll have the help of
Oprah in raising the kids into strapping young aliens.
Thanks to the wonderful selection of food at Clay Pot, Elvis’s
procedure went flawless.
Clay Pot
Viet Cuisine
254.756.2721
920 Kultgen Fwy.
Grades: Don’t pay attention. Actually, scratch that. Notice your grades the few times you actually complete assignments or attend class. Then brag about how bad your grades are and why you don’t give a damn
(usually a sweet job lined up at company with a family friend or frat brother connection). If you say law school it
might be true, but tougher to pull off, since even early acceptance can change with
grades; so stick with the basics. Also, mentioning education after college can get
trap you into actual concern about grades and turn your attention away from being
an all-around fratstar, so avoid it if possible. Another alternative is to passively say
you’re kickin’ ass and setting the class curve, but you’re going to fail because of
attendance anyways. I guess it’s better to avoid that harsh truth.
Girls: Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to leave college with the
status of a legend. If you have a girlfriend she has to be super-hot, rich and totally
popular to pull it off. This works for only twenty-percent of guys so the odds are
against you. For the rest of you, listen up: you’ve got to pick one extreme and go
with it. You’ve either got to be the perfect gentleman or the major jackass. Women
are naturally indecisive so they want a man whose attitude is consistent and reliable. Break-up with any girlfriend you might have and play the field like Barry
Bonds (you know, hyped up on steroids). Hit anything that makes it over the plate,
regardless of what type of pitch it is. Remember: it’s OK to swing at junk as long
as you get to trot the bases and congratulated after crossing home plat. Or perhaps
you can keep the girlfriend, and just play the field when the weather is inviting. This field all depends on the angle
you’re going to play.
Money: You’ve gotta have money, no question. You can’t throw a badass bar-b-q football bash without
ample cash. If you’ve got a good family, you’re set. If you don’t, well that’s just too bad. Working is respectable
because you’re older, but it has to be a good job. Try to stick to something related to your major with potential ladder-climbing opportunities. Minimum wage is an instant trip to down town and won’t keep you flush with cash.
Also, try to have another strategy on the side. A good trick is to sign up for eighteen hours of classes and have the
parents buy tons of expensive books for ya. After the first week, drop the classes and sell the books.
Well, those are my tips for all you potential badasses and future fratstars. I’ve thrown the most legendary
parties and rocked Baylor like Hendrix at the Grove. I’ve dated Theta’s, tapped Kappa’s and fondled Pi Phi’s. If
you wanna impress rivals, be the life of the party, and the Senior all others emulate, follow my advice and live the
dream. Oh yeah, more importantly, don’t graduate after Senior year. The first one is so damn good, you’ve just
gotta stick around for more. Like me. I’ll catch ya’ll at the flip cup tourney Saturday. I’m out!
Mr. Matt “Matty McFratdaddy” McDade is a Highland Park Senior with a 2.71 GPA and a 0.28 BAC. His
records include: Flip-cup Champ ’05-’06, Beer-pong runner up (Fall semester), 6 Public Intoxication tickets, and
twelve girls “known” in the current season. He’ll likely be successful and well respected wherever he goes, after
he chooses to graduate.
DEAR LORDE
MAYOR
s
a
h
c
t
a
W
rs
e
w
s
n
a
he
l
a
c
i
r
o
t
e
rh
!
s
n
o
i
t
s
que
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Twenty four pages huh? You know what I’ve always said. If you can’t
do it in 18 pages, it doesn’t need to be done.
~On Walden Pond
Dear Bro. Mu-Mu-Mu-My SharoNoZe
I assure you that you and your autograph pages will be sorely missed.
“HEY! You! Come
wash my back!”
Dear Lorde Mayor
I’m really looking forward to Dia this year. You know I used to be on
assignment in the former Soviet Ukraine, before they brought down the
wall.
~Super Secret, Secret Squirrel
Dear Caleb Marsh
Explain to me again why Dub’s job is in trouble, but yours isn’t.
Dear Lorde Mayor
I thought we agreed that the open bar was a trade off for not throwing ArgentiNoZe a bachelor party. Why does he keep getting order confirmation
e-mails from Hooters, Budweiser and Disneyland?
~Concerned Fiancé
Dear Future Mrs. ArgentiNoZe
See you in July!
Dear Lorde Mayor,
We need more beer.
~Destitute
Dear TheNoZeous Monk
Shut up and finish the paper already.
Find a report on the Loch Ness monster?
Do you have relations with Big Foot?
[email protected]
[email protected]
The Noble NoZes
PO Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
www.TheNoZe.org
Thanks.
Unanimously Voted Best
Shirt Designers at Baylor!*
* as voted by Dave.