uncensored

E8
H
TORONTO STAR
H
SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010
ON ON0
SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010
ON ON0
H
TORONTO STAR
H
E9
ENTERTAINMENT
STARGAZING
POP GOES
THE WEEK
Donald Trump’s wife Melania
thinks that Donald’s, “the
sexiest man in the world”
Other things Melania thinks: 1)
“Fried liver on a generous bed of
fiddleheads and clams is the
most delicious meal in the
world.” 2) “Cameron Diaz and
A-Rod will last forever and ever.”
3) “The Lost finale will satisfy
every single fan and answer
every single question.” 4) “The
rumour that Lady Gaga had a
leg amputated as performance
art is 100 per cent true.” 5) “The
new Miley Cyrus music video is
the most amazingly original,
non-derivative video ever.”
l Blades of Gory Skater Johnny
Weir calls fellow skater and
current DWTS contestant Evan
Lysacek “a slore” and says that
the two of them, “are at war.”
l Charlie Sheen and current
wife Brooke Mueller have
reportedly reached a divorce
deal She gets the house, the
cars and the kids. He gets a
bunch of new and exciting STDs.
l A German man marries his
dying cat And yet, despite that,
he’s still not anywhere near as
creepy as Charlie Sheen.
l One of Tiger Woods’
numerous mistresses says that
Tiger likes to eat Froot Loops
and watch cartoons after sex
Congratulations, you bizarre,
cat-marrying, German guy,
you’ve now moved down to
number 3 on the creep list.
l Jennifer Aniston is on a new
and exciting baby food cleanse
which requires her to eat 14
servings of baby food every day
The cleansing occurs when the
thought of eating 14 servings of
baby food makes you vomit.
l When asked if she is dating
anyone special now, Jessica
Simpson answers, “I have some
situations that I’m feeling out”
Comments The Situation, “I just
want to make it absolutely clear
that I’m not one of them.”
l Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in
negotiations to play Linda
Lovelace That reminds me of an
old joke: “Why did Richard
Nixon watch Deep Throat 27
times? He wanted to … [Yes.
Thank you. Lovely as usual. I hate
you more than measles. – ed.]
l Ryan Gosling signs on to
narrate a documentary that
looks at the causes of rampant
cynicism among today’s youth
and their apathetic view toward
social and political causes
Whatever.
l David Boreanaz says of a
former mistress threatening to
go public, “She asked for
money. I felt as though I was
being blackmailed or there was
some sort of extortion” He
continued, “It also felt a bit like
a shakedown, or perhaps as if
she was looking to fleece me or
get hush money or was hoping
for some sort of payoff or
holding my reputation ransom. I
can’t be totally sure. Something
along those lines, anyway.”
l A would-be robber threatens
Johnny Depp in Venice, but,
realizing who he’s dealing with,
says, “I ain’t stealing from
Captain Jack” and flees This is
a great story which raises many
interesting questions. Chiefly,
“Was it written by Fakestan’s
fakest faker or by Phony
McPhonerson of Phonycia?”
l
ALBERTO E. RODRIGUEZ/GETTY IMAGES
JESSICA RINALDI/REUTERS
LUCAS JACKSON/REUTERS
What is that thing on Christina
Hendricks’ shoulder? A) A Tribble.
B) A dead dog. C) A really bad idea
JESSICA RENALDI/REUTERS
Blake Lively and Kristen Stewart both attended The Metropolitan Museum of
Art Costume Institute Benefit. Before making their way there, they obviously
also both attended The Annual Esther Williams Costume Garage Sale.
This is Chloe Sevigny and designer
Pier Paolo Piccioli. They want to visit
your house where they’ll sit looking
wan and listless while whispering
about your bourgeois furniture.
JOHN PARRA/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
“. . . and in closing, I urge you to
donate however many litres you can
spare. It’s all going towards a very
good cause: me not wilting away and
turning to dust. Thank you all.”
LUCAS JACKSON/REUTERS
Next up: Rather unfortunate profiles of Larry King and Christopher Walken.
John Mayer may play some tennis this afternoon or he may just shrug and
have a bad attitude and then play some tennis later. Could go either way.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
JASON KEMPIN/GETTY IMAGES
Between Bob Saget’s unbelievably dirty jokes and
William Shatner’s incomparable Shatner-ness, I’m
thinking dinner with these two would be awesome.
AMY SUSSMAN/GETTY IMAGES
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
No, no, no, Christopher Meloni, no, no.
What is that on your legs? NO ONE
can wear jeans like that in public. Not
even as a joke. It’s a joke, right? Right?
Ways in which your life sucks: A) You’re spending your
Sunday morning reading this rather than eating croissants
in Paris. B) Orlando Bloom does not look at you the way
he looks at girlfriend Miranda Kerr. C) Isn’t that enough?
LUCAS JACKSON/REUTERS
MOSES ROBINSON/GETTY IMAGES
This week in Guys Who Don’t Know What To Do With Their Arms, we have
returning champion Ben Stiller going up against Richard Simmons. Exciting.
LUCAS JACKSON/REUTERS
LUIS M. ALVAREZ/AP PHOTO
MICHAEL LOCCISANO/GETTY IMAGES
Joshua Jackson knows that if he could just get his hands on Steven Weber’s
And, starring as the Swedish flag:
pipe he would be all set as a gentleman of leisure who solves murders in 1933. Jessica Simpson and Gabourey Sidibe.
Hot hats, hot heads & lukewarm husbands
For Mother’s Day, make sure mom has plenty of flowers, chocolate and attractive pictures of Skeletor, Donatella, Richard Simmons and Uncle Karl Lagerfeld
BY MALENE ARPE
PABLO ALCALA/LEXINGTON HERALD-LEADER/MCT
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
The always gracious, delightful and good-natured
Katherine Heigl allows a grateful fan to sniff her wrist.
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
Kim Kardashian’s stay at Coco’s
School Of Dressing With Subtlety
And Elegance looks to have paid off.
Terry O’Quinn patiently listens to a fan hold forth on her
theory that Lost is the true story of secret government
experiments conducted with goats on Saturn in 1953.
JASON MERRITT/GETTY IMAGES
It’s Eli Roth and girlfriend, Peaches
Geldof. Fun fact: Peaches was born
nine years after Devo last had a hit.
JON NAZCA/REUTERS
UNCENSORED
Hey kids! Let’s all go
see the new
Iron Man movie!
“I have no idea what’s in
the movie or what it’s
about to be honest with
you.”
MICKEY ROURKE
JON NAZCA/REUTERS
Antonio Banderas is kinda sad and subdued, but then he gets himself a
great hat and he’s all, “Have you all seen my fantastic hat? I’m so happy.”
Hey kids! No,
really, let’s all go
see the new
Iron Man movie!
“I’m not really even an
actor. I make faces for
cash and chicken.”
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
KATY WINN/AP PHOTO
RICHARD CLEMENT/REUTERS
Let’s compare Kat von D. and Donatella. Kat is colourful and stands like a real
lady, but Donatella looks like she could chew through metal. It’s a tough call.
Playing for both Team
Edward and Team Jacob
“Garry Shandling is
someone I’ve publicly gone
gay for, for jokes. Oh, and
anyone in the Twilight
movies. I don’t know any of
their names, but all of them.
The wolves, the vampires?
They’re all fantastic.”
DAVID DUCHOVNY
ANDY MARLIN/GETTY IMAGES
RICH SCHULTZ/AP PHOTO
CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY
You know how it is when there’s something you just must own. Chris Noth and Danny De Vito have both searched for
a perfect pair of stupid-idiot-leather-hipster pants forever. No wonder they got excited when they saw Russell Brand.
However, my
bunker, my evil cat
and my diamond
slippers do offer
me some solace
“My greatest problem
in life is my
indifference to the
outside world.”
KARL LAGERFELD
Awesome. I’ll
have five sugar
pies and go for
a long run never
“Just eat whatever
makes you feel
good. Work out
whenever you
want to.”
JESSICA SIMPSON
For a steady stream of entirely
made-up information, visit my blog
at thestar.blogs.com/stargazing.