Shady Dealer - Amazon Web Services
Transcription
Shady Dealer - Amazon Web Services
Volume 3 Issue 5 The Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago January 18, 2007 The Chicago Shady Dealer Saddam Retires, Plans to Spend More Time with Family By Harry Nangle BAGHDAD - United States Commander General Arnold Sumpter announced this week that the notorious dictator, Saddam Hussein, who mercilessly subdued, slaughtered, and decimated his own people with terrifying efficiency and swiftness, has retired, citing personal conflicts and a desire to spend more time with his sons, Uday and Qusay. This news comes as a shock to many, who had assumed that Hussein’s secular dictatorship, while brutal and ruthless, forced Iraq’s three main religious sects to u n i te a s a s i n g l e n a t i o n . M r. Hussein’s death-squads, torture chambers and rape rooms constituted a general terror that brought Sunni, Shia, and Kurdish Muslims together in their tentative, desperate hopes to survive for “just one more day”. So merciless was Mr. Hussein’s violence that he even had three of his sons-in-law murdered in a paranoid rage. He plans to reconcile these conflicts in his retirement. Other activities Mr. Hussein plans to pursue in his new retirement include gardening, Continued on Page 8... SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: CARRIER HERPES, BOTULISM TOXIN, AND RICKETS Clergicide... 2 So Ronery...3 Luther and Socrates...4-5 Sports...6 Hygiene... 7 Champions!!...8 OF Grammar Nazis Prööfrëįđ Semipoland Vielefrontalkrieg Overwhelms Semipolish Forces with Multiple Arrows, Dangling Modifiers the attack, the Semipolish capitals, S and P. Most of the countr y has already been subjected to Grammar Nazi rule, with a few pockets of emphatic irregulars forming the basis for a S e m i p o l i s h Gerunderground. The citizenr y have been left voiceless, and must remain passive for fear of disjunction. Still, resistance appears substantive, as many object to the m o v e b y Gr a m m a r Nazi troops to begin rounding up all second-person pronouns. This is in concordance with the Invading forces cleverly diverted the Marginal Line by means of a Grammar Nazi policy of screen door insta"ed by the Semipolocs eliminating the “you”s, based on the superlative By Patrick Lange nature of the Grammarian people. Conditions in the international community are tense. English A thunderous series of interrobangs and leaders have declared their apposition to the interrobooms punctuated the night yesterday as attack, and have demanded articles of surrender Grammar Nazi forces pushed into the fragile from Grammary: “It is imperative that the nation of Semipoland. Most world leaders had Grammar Nazis negate all possessive claims on hoped to secure a period of peace predicated on Semipoland, be they present, future, or future the scansion of Czechoslapostrophe, but tensions perfect, and remain intransitive from their continued to mount. Last week, Grammar Nazi borders for the infinitive future.” leader Adverb Hitler declared the Semipoles to be “a weak and subjunctive people” and described t h e i r r u l e r s a s “ Q u e s t i o n - Ma r x i s t s ” a n d “dangerous enemies of the statement.” The rapid assault has forced the Semipolish army into contraction around the direct object of Several nations have already mobilized to liberate Semipoland, and prominent CAPITALISTS are collecting funds for relief efforts. Volume 3 Issue 5 A harrowing tale of last minute genius Page 2 What do you Want from Me? The Chicago Shady Dealer P Crescat Rumor Vitia Excolantur l a PH.D/DMV/AARP/GA/SAS/AOP/DHL Ryan Uricks u B.A./Peoplesoft Certified Patrick Lange s CPA Zachary Binney b D.D.S/F.F.A.A.A Adam Petterson e DeVry Megan Wells Priya Dugad McJobbers Katharine Bierce MIchael Kramer Harry Nangle Michael Stevens Rapture Coming Soon Meetings Sundays @ 7pm Harper 141 Website shadydealer.uchicago,edu Listhost [email protected] Submissions [email protected] DISCLAIMER If you are offended or otherwise provoked to hunt us down like the dogs we are in retribution for what is printed here, please stop, count to 10, and remember the guiding principle of our staff: the Chicago Shady Dealer is not a reliable news source Meta-Disclaimer If you object hunting down dogs please replace “dog” with another animal or inanimate object of choice. Thank you. i l By: Bill Volk From the Trash Can and/or Letter to the Editor Sun to Kuvia: Fuck You To whom it may concern, Salutations my ass! Who the fuck woke me up? There I was resting, minding my own damn business at 6 AM, when a bunch of dipshits doing yoga led by some random bitch in a polar bear suit had to get all up in my face. It just so happened that I had no classes that day, and I wanted to sleep in for once. It’s not like you people ever leave the library or whatever rocks you tools collectively live under to soak up my glorious rays on a regular basis anyway. Oh that’s just rich, apparently I’ve been informed that you little bastards were participating in some random stunt called Kawasaki, Kum shot, Kevorkian, whatever the hell you think it is you’re doing, just stop it! Inuit for happiness my bright, shiny, burning ass! By the way, those idiots are the lamest sons of bitches I’ve ever met! Why else do you think I don’t show up at the North Pole for six months straight? Apparently the Inuit have 29 different words for snow. I only require three words for you people: go fuck yourselves! -The bright shiny yellow orb in the sky that’s about to irradiate your asses if you wake me up again File Volume 3 Issue 5 A subsidiary of Omniglobalamalgamplex Page 3 Current Mood: Meh Kim Jong Il Changes Livejournal Status From Public to “Friends Only” By Aaron Horton “Kim is just building walls with this,” said Bush in a statement to the press on Monday. He expressed conIn a stunning political move, Kim cern that the move would cripple Jong Il, the dictator currently ruling over North Korea, has changed his talks about North Korea’s nuclear Livejournal privacy setting from program. “How can we solve interna“Public” to “Friends Only.” Now, only tional problems that could have a his 56 closest friends can read his wide effect on the lives of millions of innermost thoughts. people if I can’t comment on how I “I just felt like it was the right thing totally understand what he’s going to do,” explained Mr. Kim in a press through?” Bush also stated that this conference last Friday. “Before, everyexclusion was just “not cool” and that one was reading my personal feelings. Kim will “definitely be receiving a My crush on my secretary was coming Myspace message” on the topic. under international scrutiny. Now, I Kim Jong Il’s Journal, entitled “Just can really let the depression flow, with ILin’”, has been active since 2004, absolutely no fear of anyone I don’t when Il discovered the online service know looking through this window while assisting his underlings in the into my soul.” Kim also stated that Sources close to Kim, 65, say that another mood change, this time $om censorship of online sites. “I just fell in the fact that his mother had access to “pensive” to “ambivalent,” may come as early as next week. love with the concept of having the his journal played a large role in his ability to share personal feelings with decision. large numbers of people, free of binding things like ‘restraint’ and ‘conThe dictator thought that the public might be getting the wrong imtext.’” Memorable entries include “My feelings on democracy,” “I just pression about him from his journal. “It sort of makes me sound like an like to blow shit up,” and “Dad just doesn’t get me.” asshole, you know? All this killing, and ruling with an iron fist, and The United Nations has expressed concern that Kim might use this hating America and all that. But really that was just a tough front. I’m a Livejournal as a vehicle to clandestinely support a nuclear weapons really nice guy, and now all of my Livejournal friends are going to get to program. They cite the presence of a user named “nukeluke” on the see that side of me.” This seems like part of a natural progression that very exclusive friends list as cause for concern. When asked about this began when Kim’s mood changed from “indifferent” to “pensive.” suspicious friend, Kim simply stated “Oh, that’s just Luke. He’s cool.” Kim’s decision has come under the microscope on an international When asked by the Associated Press about their leader’s decision, a level. The most controversial aspect of this decision was the removal of random sample of citizens of North Korea simply stated “Get me the George W. Bush from Kim’s friends list. fuck out of here.” Optimist Purchases U Chicago T-Shirt By Katharine Bierce University of Chicago first-year David Mackenzie used to pride himself on being an optimist to the core. He did, that is, until he saw the T-shirts other students were wearing, especially “Where Joie de Vivre Came and Was Hacked to Pieces” and “The University of Chicago: Home of 4,500 Ugly Geniuses.” At first Mackenzie wondered: “Who are these cynical bastards?” In an attempt to investigate the source of the pride with which these unique apparel items were worn, he decided to buy a T-shirt for himself. Mackenzie’s first purchase was a large blue T-shirt with the University logo on the front and white lettering. On the front, it proclaimed, “I miss the good old days when math involved numbers” and on the back, “Wait, that was high school.” Mackenzie said he chose this shirt “because I like math, but college calculus is fucking hard.” Thus the path toward disillusionment began. Two weeks later, Mackenzie reported a change in the way other students reacted to him. “This girl in my Hum class winked at me slyly. I wondered, was she reacting to me, or to my witty T- shirt?” The possibility that the girl was reacting only to Mackenzie’s attire and not his physical appearance sowed the first seeds of doubt. Sexually frustrated and intellectually confused, he subsequently bought a T-shirt that read, “The University of Chicago: If you want to get laid, be an egg.” “Maybe,” he said, “these T-shirts are a way of detracting from your individuality by displaying your common frustration with being a hypersexed, overworked college student. After the initial frustration with difficult classes wears off, it mutates into deep-set cynicism, pure and simple.” With this epiphany, Mackenzie thought up h i s o w n a c e r b i c T- s h i r t catchphrase: “What’s the difference between Chicago women and Chicago winters? One blows; the other is a frigid bitch.” Filler™ Omniglobalamalgamplex We Own You® Volume 3 Issue 5 News for the Uninterested Page 4 That Sophist Kid Ghost of Socrates Returns to Haunt, Bore Humanities Class By Connor O’Steen For the past month, Professor George Wanner’s Philosophical Perspectives humanities class has been consistently haunted by the ghost of Socrates. “When he first appeared out of nowhere it was horrifying,” said Joseph Walsh, a student in the cursed class, “there was this loud bang, and all of the sudden this bearded, chitin-clad man was standing in the center of our square table. It was pretty terrifying.” “When it happened, we were all shocked,” recounted Professor Wanner, “people were running and screaming…and then we all slowly got used to his cloying presence, vaguely condescending pedagogical remarks, and falsely genial manner. By now, we’re all ready for him to return to whatever strange rift in the timespace continuum he came out of.” Dr. Wanner’s feelings are mirrored universally among his students. “For a while I was awed by his presence,” said Henry Jenks, a current first year. “I mean, his arguments were so fluid and nonchalantly complex, he just ran circles around everyone in all of the Socratic seminars we had. But I’m really sick of puzzling out all of his syllogisms, and for being an inexplicable anomaly from thousands of years ago, he smells like ass.” Added Jenks: “I know that pederasty was cool back then, but if he makes another pass at me I’m going to sock him in his heavily bearded face.” The damage wrought by Socrates has not been limited to general discomfort and unhappiness of the students: his constant questioning has also created strange affectations in speech. One undergraduate began keeping a log of certain commonly stated phrases after the appearance of Socrates. According to this record, the phrase, ‘of course, Socrates’ has been used as a response to questions 778 times in the past two weeks. The phrases, ‘I suppose so,’ ‘so it seems,’ and ‘obviously’ top the list at 1,123 utterances each. Another student, who wishes to remain anonymous, commented on this phenomenon saying, “yesterday I said, ‘yea, verily, Socrates.’ What the fuck is that? I don’t use the word “verily!” No one uses the word “verily.” This is total bullshit. Socrates is ruining my vocabulary.” “God, he’s such a pain,” said Cindy Lewis, another in a long list of aggravated students. “Yesterday, he followed me around for five hours proving that it was neither pious nor just for me to go to a Modest Mouse concert. I mean, like, just leave me alone. You’re dead of hemlock-related complications, and I’ve got something to live for, okay?” In addition to the in-class comments against the ghost of Socrates, some have raised complaints and questions regarding his conduct on the rest of the campus. Said Martha Keller, a Bartlett dining hall coordinator, “I’ve narrowed down the recent wave of fork and spoon thefts from the [dining hall], and it’s either Socrates of Athens or Bill of Kenwood…I’m pretty sure it’s not Bill of Kenwood.” Keller added angrily, “look, it’s great that he was a pillar upon which all of Western philosophy and thought would find support, but we really need those spoons. The more he takes, the fewer dining options we’re capable of.” Some have accused Socrates of sophistry by citing questionable methods he employed to convince others to give him items. David Gersher, a third year economics major, said, “at the beginning of our conversation he asked me if something pious is loved by the gods because it is pious, or if something is pious because it is loved by the gods. Before I knew it, I was down 60 Flex dollars, 50 Bartlett points, and I’d invested half of my savings in Haitian penny stocks…I’m not sure how he did it, but I know he’s to blame.” Many in the U of C administration have called for taking an active role in banishing Socrates back to Hades, where he reputedly went after his death. In an official press statement issued yesterday, President Zimmer said, “here is a clear example of a man who is corrupting our youth. This isn’t just me throwing out biased statements: we know for a fact that he’s been convicted of this crime in his homeland, and we should respect the validity of Athens’s decision, and treat him as a similar threat.” Angelica Zhao, was briefly romantica"y involved with the Greek philosopher. “Then he just overanalyzed the fuck out of everything. Natural language my ass,” she explained. Democrat’s Agenda for First Five Minutes in Power 9:00.00: Walk onto Senate floor; wonder if desks are arranged by State or Name 9:02:41 Sit at desk. Look Around. 9:03:13 Realize “Holy shit I’m a fucking Senator! 9:04:15 Wave at Olympia Snowe; wonder if she might be into you 9:05:00 Corrupt America’s youth, implement homosexual agenda, speak French 9:04:58 Senate is called to secession Volume 3 Issue 5 Host of the 2007 ANJOP Convention Page 5 Keep Pope Alive Martin Luther Day By Ethan Stanislawski All around campus, festivities, lectures and events occurred last Monday when the University of Chicago had the day off in order to celebrate Martin Luther day. Although its status as a national holiday has been controversial, university officials were quick to put their support behind the holiday, stating that Martin Luther “reflects everything the university stands for.” “Before Martin Luther, no one was intellectually challenged, salvation could be purchased in the form of an indulgence, and dissenters where persecuted,” said David Swanson, dean of the Divinity School. “But Luther showed people that they could come up with their own crazy interpretations of the Bible, would probably go to hell no matter what they did, and could hate Jews in new, exciting ways. He was a true innovator -- a real pioneer of the life of the mind.” 95 students at Kenwood Elementary School were selected to write down a thesis and nail it to the door of Rockefeller Chapel. Among those listed were “My teacher yells too much,” “I actually wanted a pony for Christmas,” and “Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He said Poenitentiam agite, willed that the whole life of believers should be repentance.” The Legacy Continues At the Laboratory School, they had their annual Martin Luther Day pageant, which featured the classic play, “Judgment at the Diet of Worms”. “I know Luther died, like, hundreds of years ago, but judging by his character he seemed pretty badass” said Jared Hurley, a senior at the Lab School who played Luther. At the University, a series of lectures were given under the title By Faith Alone. Scholars from across the world, including Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams and Lukas Sorenstam, president of Gustavus Adolphus college. Williams stated “Luther showed the rest of the world that they could tell the Church to fuck off,” while Sorenstam stated “Was Luther a genius? You betcha.” Some groups on campus, however, were so outraged by the universal praise of Luther that they started a counter-Luther Day, which met at the Council of Calvert House. Among the issues discussed were “Hating Protestants after Vatican II,” “The Meaning of Intolerance,” and “Would Benedict XVI Win in a Fight with Luther?” Overall, however, the campus was quite pleased with the day. “I got to learn more about an important figure in history, and I got to skip class,” said second-year Lewis Robinson, “pretty sweet deal if you ask me.” Fox Launches Groundbreaking Sitcom By Katharine Bierce In a response to the lackluster performance of their current TV lineup, Fox producers have decided to rush a new sitcom, currently in development, to air this February entitled, “Fat Husband, Attractive Wife.” As executive producer Dean Corman said, “Sitcom premises have grown by leaps and bounds in the last two seasons. The Office? My Name is Earl? We need something as original as those concepts. We’re thinking ‘Fat Husband, Attractive Wife’ will turn some heads as well,” he said, refering to the sweeps period that determines network ad prices. Corman added, “We’re also pretty excited about the setting-- a suburban livingroom.” Editor-in-chief of Variety magazine Peter Bart was initially skeptical of the show’s premise, “I think ABC tried something like this a few years back with Rose- anne,” he noted. Then, glancing a paper on his desk, he corrected himself, remarking, “oh... the wife is attractive? I think Fox might be onto something here. Maybe they could get some comedy out of the husband seeing her in the bathroom.” Head-Writer Amy Hollerman hoped TV audiences will identify with the show’s characters. “The husband, Bob, is a moderately overweight, borderline alcoholic, but his blue-collar common sense is sure to make him lovable to all.” Internet r umors repor t that in the show’s pilot episode, Bob has a few too many drinks at his buddies’ poker game, seriously jeopardizing his ability to make it to the kids’ soccer game. The show is scheduled to air on Wednesdays at 9:30, placing it in lineup competition with ABC’s According to Jim. Polar Bear Run 07’ Statistics Number of participants: 178 Number of photos taken: 849 Number of unidentified smells: 3 My eyes: covered Participants' genitals: uncovered Mouths of on-lookers: filled with vomit Most prominent attribute of all runners: facial hair Least prominent attribute of all runners: dignity, regard for society (tie) Average participant attractiveness (1 to 10 scale): 2.3 Number of gross-out related hospitalizations: 28 Number of boners popped: 1 Volume 3 Issue 5 Approved by the Green Hills Chamber of Commerce Page 6 Not Even Close to All the Way Beer Pong Champion: “Where’s the Spirit?” By Ezra Feldman Joey Berko, a University of Chicago 4th year and recognized Beer Pong champion, is concerned that many of his friends and teammates are losing the spirit of the game, according to a recent public statement. “My teammates used to work so hard at beer pong – we practiced our throws and bounces for hours. We really got into the strategy. Now they just use the game as an excuse to drink.” There have also been worries that teammates increasingly do not show up for practice sessions, where water is used instead of beer. Berko, who has won championships across the College in his first three years here, still shows as much enthusiasm for the game as ever, playing games as often as four of five times a week. But he says his housemates have been ending games early more often and drinking in boring, non-competitive ways. Berko described a recent incident: “Last Saturday, right in the middle of a game, my teammate Sam just says, ‘That’s it, I’m going for some vodka in my room.’ And he leaves! It was a critical point in the game also, We were tied at four, going for six. I really think we could have won, but Sam just didn’t care, I guess.” Berko has also expressed concern that Frisbee team parties seem to focus less and less on discussing team strategy and upcoming tournaments. Winter Blows Harder with Fantasy Sex League Shenanigans Forget Passing the Pigskin: It’s Time to Hide The Sausage By Sarah Pickman from the casual and friendly to rough and tumble. At the end of the season, which coincides this year with Chicago’s winter quarter With Dungeons and Dragons season over and the start of the reading period, ’sizers pit their teams against each other in all-out regular chess season still months away, many University of Chicago orgies to determine who would have the craziest balls-out tensome, if students have turned to an increasingly-popular franchise to get their only those nine people would actually get into bed with him. ’Sizers indoor sports fix in the interim: Fantasy Sex leagues. can also form managerial franchises; at most sites, a fan can play with Fantasy Sex, much like Fantasy Baseball himself or with a friend. or Fantasy Football, allows participants As the sport has grown, other to compose hypothetical teams of variations have developed, each with favorite real people to face each other its own enthusiastic devotees. Sizin a virtual rendezvous. Like other ers can form teams based on verified fantasy sports franchises, this one got sex acts performed by the members hot with the growth of the Internet. of a seven-person team of dead peoThe primary difference, however, is ple. According to the leagues webthat teams in Fantasy Sex are coms i t e , w w w. h i s t o r y s e x x x . c o m , posed not of great athletes, but of total Genghis Khan, Catherine the Great, babes; smooth passes and great control and Thomas Jefferson are some of help win these games. the most popular team members. Participants, nicknamed “’sizers,” So what’s the allure for Chicago’s (Short for Fantasizers), assemble ’sizers? Most simply enjoy having a imaginary teams composed of nine hobby that lets them get off of their real-life potential sex partners, ranging work and fool around for a while. from T.A.’s, cute Asians on the subway, “My best friend Christina turned me significant others of older siblings, and on to Fantasy Sex League. She’s a the hot twenty-something behind the size queen,” fourth-year Max Donobar at Smoke Daddy’s. ’Sizers then rack van explained, using the nickname up points in half a dozen categories, for female players. “It’s just a lot of fun. I based on the actual behavior of these fanThe importance of safe fantasy sex is often overlooked and could lead to enjoy the friction and the heat of the tasy partners. Flirting with the ’sizer, saying the Virtual Clap game, when you get into a really good or doing something that could be interrhythm with your team. And it definitely preted as flirting with the ’sizer, and wearing takes some maneuvering to get into it. You’ve got to get on top to a super hot outfit, all help bang out points for the team’s overall score. come out strong at the end. Definitely a challenge, but I can rise to For most of the season, ’sizers compete with their teams online, in the occasion.” forums that range from highly structured game series to random play, Volume 3 Issue 5 The Truth is Dumb Page 7 Wall of Sound Death Campus Music Snobs Washed Away in Tidal Wave of Pretention By Ethan Stanislawski The University of Chicago was devastated last week by an extremely pretentious tidal wave. The recent emergence of Pitchfork Media, the return of Lollapalooza, and the success of Su4an Stevens’ Illinois left the city extremely vulnerable to what meteorologists are calling a “Category 5 hipster disaster.” The tidal wave is the worst to hit Chicago since 1996, when the success of such Chicago artists as the Smashing Pumpkins, Liz Phair, and Urge Overkill prompted a tidal wave to clear the way for boy bands and Britney Spears. On the U of C campus, Cobb Coffee Shop, WHPK studios and the Chicago Weekly’s production room were hit particularly hard, and experts are anticipating a long, grueling recovery for these hipster havens. “I was listening to Jens Lenkman on my iPod nano, smoking a Camel outside the Shoreland,” said firstyear J. Pierce, “when all of a sudden, a giant wave comes straight from Lake Michigan and washes me and my fellow cronies to various unknown hipster buildup locations. I’m in Austin, Texas, and South by Southwest is not for another month!” The tidal wave apparently had a mechanism for detecting pretentiousness through favorite music listings on the facebook and iTunes. There was a direct correlation to the number of bands listed, as well as an inverse correlation to the frequency of listed bands on the facebook. Hence, people who listed only Justin Timberlake and the Black Eyed Peas were untouched, but those who listed bands such as The Jesus Lizard, Camera Obscura, and Mer- Eckhart later co"apsed since it couldn’t endure a" the “Whoo-hoo’s ” for the Pu"man cury Rev among 50 others were in serious danger. Also at risk were people who listed bands whose names contained poor spelling and repeated words, such as Xiu Xiu or Frou Frou. People with more than three Sonic Youth albums in their iTunes library were hit at over an 80% rate. The remaining members of the university, however, were somewhat relieved by the tidal wave. “I couldn’t walk down this fucking campus without hearing about how they saw Neutral Milk Arcade or whatever before it was cool, or how Franz La Tengo was so much better before they signed to a major label or some shit like that” said Jeff LeRoy, graduate student in Norwegian folklore. “Seriously, these students needed to get their heads out of their asses and listen to some fucking Sabbath.” Fortunately, with the large classical scene and multitude of indifferent science majors, the university was not hit as hard as some other Chicago locations. Columbia College reported over 1000 students missing, and Steve Albini’s Electrical Audio Studios, sadly, has been damaged beyond recovery. Next Step Taken, Third Base Reached By Michael Stevens At this year’s “Taking the Next Step” seminar, much more was touched upon than interviews and job opportunities. According to preliminary reports from the university’s Career Advice and Planning Services (CAPS), Third-years Michael Waters and Rebecca Snodgrass took the event’s title to heart when, sometime during panel session B, they agreed to finally reach third base: manual genital manipulation. Inspired by the seminar’s motivational “reachfor-your-dreams” attitude, the pair ducked behind the Hyatt Regency’s ice machine. It was there that Snodgrass reportedly reached not only for her dreams, but also for Waters’ pale, slightly erect wiener. “All the talk about careers and fellowships got me thinking about my future,” said Waters. “That’s why Rebecca and I decided it was time to step it up and say hello to the hand job.” The illicit skin-flute choking, which lasted an estimated 24 seconds, concluded a long-lasting tension between the two students. “The seminar taught me that it was time to grow up,” Snodgrass explained, “I mean, I’m not a firstyear who lives in a double and eats only Bartlett food anymore. Now I have a single and sometimes I eat at the Snail.” When asked if they planned to hang out again, the couple said that “Summer Breeze” sounded cool, but that it was slightly pricey and “kinda far away from [Palevsky] West.” In an impromptu celebratory speech, Waters thanked his father for forcing him to go to the event, as well as Rebecca’s parents who “clearly raised their daughter with self-esteem low enough to satisfy guys like me.” Volume 3 Issue 5 The Newspaper of Yesterday for Tomorrow Page 8 Victory!! SUPER BOWL CHAMPS WIN BIG GAME!!! Miami (CSD) - The AFC and NFC champs squared off in a thrilling match on Sunday night, but in the end it was the Superbowl champs that emerged victorious. In a wild match that lasted longer than three hours, both teams ran and passed the ball repeatedly down the field. The quarterbacks completed passes to their wide-receivers and tight ends, and the running backs rushed to the left, right, and center, occasionally penetrating the opposing team’s defensive line. The third Super Bowl XLI Final q u a r te r b e g a n with a strong kickoff, as the Team 1 team that won the coin-toss opted to recieve in the first half. Defenders did Team 2 their best to stop the offenses, but by the end of the game each team had managed to put some points up on the board. As the teams trudged into their locker rooms at halftime, the coach of the leading team took a moment to give a reporter a few generic, irritable words: “Well, we’ve done great so far, but there’s definitely room for improvement. We’ve gotta score some more points, and our defense has to stop their running and passing games.” Finally, when the game clock struck 0:00 in the fourth quarter, the team that was ahead celebrated victory. Fireworks shot into the sky and confetti covered the stadium as the fans of the winners reveled loudly and violently; drunken fans quickly flooded the streets of the Superbowl Champs’ hometown. The halftime show was filled with grandiose festivities. Prince rocked the crowd from a stage in the middle of the field with renditions of some of his most famous songs, and the crowd cheered raucously before settling back into their seats for an electrifying second half. Analysts attributed the Champs’ victory to great offensive and defensive performances. NBC commentator and former NFL coach John Madden explained: “What matters in football is scoring touchdowns and field goals. And safeties. The Champs ended up with more points on the board at the end of the game, and that’s why they won.” By Zachary Binney To the editor: Ryan, don’t publish this before the morning of February 5th or we’re going to look like total dumbasses. Continued $om Page 1... the completion of a personal memoir, and reconnecting with former colleagues, including Satan, the lord of all evil. Satan and Mr. Hussein shared a homosexual relationship that was chronicled in the 1999 movie South Park: Bi-er, Longer, and Uncut. Mr. Hussein is not the first leader to leave his post to pursue a more active family life. In 2004 George Tenet retired as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency for the very same reason, and General Eric Ken Shinseki, a noted critic of the U.S. led war, cited “personal reasons” as he stepped down from his highly decorated post as Army General in 2003. “This is a common phenomenon,” explained Dr. Marta Messelbaum, a sociologist at Duquesne University. “War has a tendency to make men realize the importance of home and family life. The worsening situation in Iraq would make anyone want to go home and spend time with loved ones. Saddam Hussein, George Tenet, Donald Rumsfeld, take your pick. They all need the love and care of their family right now.” Private First Class Barton Lewett, 19, critiqued Dr. Messelbaum’s findings, noting, “I’m gonna stay out here for my buddies, that’s what’s important right now. Family is important too, I guess. My mom sent me the second season of Drawn Together, and that was pretty sweet.” Mr. Hussein expressed a message of hope for the troubled Middle East at a retirement gala given at dawn on the morning of December 30. “Down with the traitors, the Americans, the spies, and the Persians,” he remarked. Mr. Hussein’s memoirs, entitled If I Possessed Massive Stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction, will be published by Bantam in March. >X ∞ X News Found Only on the Web Google Locks in Night Servers to Clean Cache