point of view - Pact, An Adoption Alliance
Transcription
point of view - Pact, An Adoption Alliance
Summer 2014 pact’s point of view The newsletter for adoptive families with children of color In This Issue How Would Your Child’s First Family Rate You? by Clara Roberson and Samantha Johnson1 Talking With Children About Sadness in Adoption by Dawn Friedman3 Talking To Kids About Gender Diversity by Alison Delpercio4 Listening Tools For Building Confidence by Patty Wipfler6 In Every Issue Director’s Corner: Considering Opening Your Child’s Adoption and Getting Ready to Search 7 Ask Pact 8 Teen Corner 9 Ask a First/Birth Mother by Susan Dusza Guerra Leksander 10 Book Corner Born From The Heart by Berta Serrano 12 Black Stats by Monique W. Morris 13 How Would Your Child’s First Family Rate You? In this issue of Point of View, we offer two letters written by the birth mothers of children who were each placed for adoption about six years ago. These letters caused us to think about what it would mean to adoptive parents (and their adopted children) to be assessed based on the generosity and spirit of communication that they’ve established with their kids’ first families on behalf of their children. Of course, both of these women are describing open adoptions. But even for those of you (us) who have closed adoptions, wouldn’t it be interesting to ask ourselves: how might we fare in terms of the respect and esteem of the women who literally delivered our beloved children into the world? We applaud these two women and the families these children were adopted into as exemplary in showing us all how to put children’s needs first, and for modeling respect in both directions for the “other” parent(s) of adopted children. Hi! My name is Clara, and five-and-a-half years ago, I placed my son Jonah for adoption with Heidi and James. I felt inspired to write a letter to you because I know you are considering placing your child with them for adoption as well. I think it’s good to note right off that I wasn’t asked to do this—it was my idea because I know how scary placing a child for adoption can be. I hope this helps. Since making an adoption plan for my From left to right: Clara, her son Delano (who she is parenting), her son Jonah, and Jonah’s son, I have visited with Heidi, James, adoptive parents. Photo taken in 2010. and Jonah at least nine times (I live in Kentucky, they live in California). Our birth parent/adoptive family contract only states that we agree to meet once a year in person, while the frequency of letters and picture updates from Heidi and James to me will vary as Jonah gets older. Obviously, nine times is way more then what was agreed upon for visits, and (cont. on pg. 2) pact provides adoption services to children of color, including both adoptive placement and support programs for children and youth. To serve the children, we offer parents lifelong education and support on family, race and adoption issues. Terminology: Birth vs. First Parents The adoption world is undergoing a shift in language describing women/parents who give birth to children who are later placed for adoption or into foster care. This language evolution is happening because many of those parents have articulated a preference for the term “first” mother or parent, versus “birth” mother or parent. Their reasons largely focus on the term “birth” as emphasizing their relationship to the adopted child as solely one of biology; of relegating the mother to a mere vessel, the father as a sperm donor. Unfortunately, this reductionism doesn’t allow for the acknowledgment of the other important ways in which first (birth) parents are significant to their children. Pact chooses to use both terms, but recognizes the importance of these discussions. We support the point of view and want to follow the lead of the often-underrepresented first parents in their desire to name themselves. How Would Your Child’s First Family Rate You? (cont. from pg. 1) I’ve received more videos, pictures, and updates then I can count. I want you to feel confident that whatever your agreement with them they will uphold it 110%. From my experience, they seem happy to do it! I cared a lot about what Jonah’s life would look like with Heidi and James, and since I’ve been so involved, I can actually tell you about it and hopefully give you some insight. They live in a beautiful home in a cool part of San Francisco. They have an area with lots of toys and books set up for Jonah right outside their dining room, and another one in a living room space for arts and crafts. Heidi sends me cool birthday and Valentines cards that Jonah makes for me. Jonah goes to a private school that is very diverse and seems almost perfect. It’s really high energy and the teachers are really nice. Heidi and James searched for months to find a good school that paid attention to different learning styles, race, and so forth. And this is just a preschool, if that gives you any indication about how important education is in their home!:) I get pictures and videos of their vacations. They go skiing, swimming, camping…and pretty much anything else you could think a child would want to do, they do as a family often. Getting pictures and videos of him skiing or swimming always brightens my day and reminds me how blessed he is. I believe Heidi and James are probably some of the best people you will ever meet. Just knowing them and watching who and how they are in the world has made me a better person. I know that probably sounds a little fabricated, but one of the most valuable things that’s come out of my adoption experience is that the truth about people and life can actually be good. Great, even! When I was looking for a family for Jonah, my best friend— who I know was only trying to help—said, “Clara, you know, it just seems like you’re looking for some kind of fairy tale adoption. I just don’t think that happens.” She has since said how she couldn’t have been more wrong. I found exactly what I was looking for and much more. I hope that is true for your story too. God bless! Clara Roberson vvv Hello fellow Birth Mother, I feel like calling you Sister because we are about to share a similar experience, and someday perhaps become familiar, and that fills me with a joy that I can’t help sharing now. I say this because I may not know you yet, or the particular details of your story. But I know that you are trying to find the best home for your baby, and I know how terrifyingly limited that search can be. I will not bore you with my story, though I am available to share and talk about it anytime you’d wish. I will say that the home and family I chose for my son is the best decision that I ever made. Sierra and Celia are the kindest, most accepting Samantha’s father, her son Macai, and people I’ve ever met. I Samantha have never felt judged for any decisions, or separated from my son, or even slightly unwelcome in any contact that we have had over the years we’ve come to know each other. Neither they, nor their families, who I have come to think of as mine, too, have ever given any hints of malice, separation, or dishonesty. If you are reading this, it may be because you are looking for a way out of something, or maybe you can’t make a decision on which road leads home. But what you’ll soon find is that you’re really looking for a way in, and good company you’ll keep on the long journey ahead. Adoption isn’t the end of your love for your baby and it isn’t your last resort. It’s only the beginning to the life you choose to have with your child. Adoption isn’t dumping your baby; it’s giving your newborn the chance at a life you cannot give. I may sound like a greeting card or some indoctrination brochure for open adoption, but I am being as honest and open as I can about a situation that is at best scary and painful; at worst, a trauma you can endure. I just want you to know that this is the option I chose and why. I can be pretty harsh with myself, but I am opening up because I have learned that many birth mothers have similar feelings. For most of the birth mothers I’ve met, being separated from our babies makes us feel like failures, making the world seem so insecure and hopeless, with all our other mistakes easily stacked on top of it. But this family that I am a part of now has inspired me to do better, to be better, to make them proud of me. I am never afraid that they will take my son, Macai, away forever, and I trust them to keep him safe from everything. The only thing they’ve ever asked of me is more time, and when will I be comfortable coming to see more of my family. Sierra and Celia are my best friends and the mothers of my son; they have my utmost respect and I am fiercely loyal to them. My father considers them his adopted daughters, which would make them my sisters. I could ask for nothing more wonderful in my life. This is the family you and your baby could join. This decision is yours, but the family it completes is yours too. Sincerely, Samantha Johnson 2 point of view | Summer 2014 Talking with Children About Sadness in Adoption By Dawn Friedman “I t’s very dangerous where I was born.” The little boy* in my office was eight years old and worried. He was sitting on the edge of his chair, fiddling with the markers in front of him, popping their lids on and off. “There are dangerous people there and sometimes there are floods. Sometimes there isn’t enough to eat.” Dawn Friedman He was speaking in a hushed voice, even though the white noise machine was humming outside my doorway, shielding our conversation from his parents in the waiting room. “I worry about my birth mom. What if she gets washed away? What if she gets hurt? Where does she get her food? My mom says there aren’t grocery stores there.” Adopted from Southeast Asia as an infant, my client’s parents brought him to counseling because he was starting to ask why his birth mother didn’t love him enough to keep him. Without having any concrete information about his biological parents, my client’s mother had told him about the particular challenges for people living in that country at that time. She talked about how hard it might have been to keep a baby safe, hoping this would help her son feel better about his placement in the orphanage. “I wanted him to understand that his birth mom made a very, very difficult choice because she wanted him to have a better life. So I told him how harsh living conditions are there,” she explained to me. “I didn’t want him to feel like she turned her back on him.” Whenever her son would bring up his birth mom, his adoptive mom would tell him the story again—about what a hard life he’d left, and how treacherous his birth country could be—all with the hope that he would feel grateful instead of feeling rejected. However, her son still felt rejected, and he also felt guilty and anxious about his birth mom. He told me that he resented his nice things: his Wii, his big soft bed, and his room full of toys. “Just give it all away,” he said. Or alternatively, “Forget those orphanage kids. They’ll probably all starve to death anyway.” The adoptive parents I meet in my practice are incredibly concerned with protecting their children from the cold, hard truth of adoption, which is that before you can join a new family, you must lose your old one. Many of these parents don’t want their children to feel rejected by their birth parents, so they create a narrative meant to comfort. Their stories—whether they are of sanctified birth parents wise enough to know they cannot parent, of demonized birth parents who placed their children as penance, or of countries too dangerous for babies to thrive— have unintended consequences. Children internalize what they are told. They believe that if their birth parents are perfect, then there must be something wrong with them. They believe that if their birth parents are bad people, then they must be bad people, too. They hear about the trials of the land of their birth, and they fear the lives they never got to have, often feeling guilty for missing a country that they are told is not good enough for them. Parents who are struggling for a way to tell their children their stories without doing further harm would do well to bear in mind the following truths: 1. There is no way around sadness. While many wellintentioned adoptive parents change or shape their children’s stories in an effort to avoid creating sadness, there is no way to ensure our children don’t grieve their losses. Instead of thinking that we need to shield them from pain, we must remember that our parenting task is to help them cope with it. 2. Stories need to grow and change with our children. Many adoptive parents tell their children their adoption stories at a set, formal time: before bed, perhaps, or each year on the day they celebrate their child’s birth or adoption. But these stories need to live in children’s everyday lives, and they need to respond to children’s ever changing developmental needs. While the rhythm of ritual has power (the sing-song story of the ride home or the repetitive language used to describe the first time an adoptive parent held her child), there needs to be room for the story to become more nuanced, more detailed, and more honest in its lapses. 3. Adoption is full of paradox. Adoption is never ever all one thing or all another. Children who have come from war-torn countries or inadequate orphanages do not need their beginnings romanticized or pathologized. Parents can introduce the idea of ambivalence (what therapist Barbara Cain, MSW, calls “double dip feelings”) early on. Countries can be troubled and still have beauty. Birth parents can be good people and make mistakes. Children can be happy to be in their adoptive families and still sad to be away from their birth parents. In the course of our work together, my client and I talked about what was actually happening in the part of the world where he was born. I brought in library books detailing the day-to-day lives of a typical family there, and we looked at videos of the orphanages. We talked about how a harsh life (cont. on page 15) Summer 2014 | point of view 3 Talking to Kids About Gender Diversity By Alison Delpercio “There has been a great diversity of opinion on the subject, but the generally accepted rule is pink for the boy and blue for the girl. Pink being a more decided and stronger color is more suitable for the boy; while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.” – Ladies Home Journal, 1918 I f you’re like me, that quote above in which the Ladies Home Journal declares the rule of “pink for the boy and blue for the girl” may have come as a shock. “Wait, is this for real?” I wondered. Because now, almost 100 years later, we live by the exact opposite rule. Ask any adult and most kids, and they’ll tell you without a doubt, “Pink is a girl color and blue is a boy color.” Although we may not Alison Delpercio think about it, gender-specific rules like this one permeate many aspects of our lives, and the lives of our children. Indeed, it starts before a child is even born with that immediate question—“Boy or girl?”—to which the answer dictates all sorts of decisions, from nursery décor to the acceptable color of onesies. These rules are so ingrained in our culture, that many of us never even question where they come from. They simply are. The Ladies Home Journal quote shows us that these rules are not as steadfast as we think. In fact, they are socially constructed—they exist because we created them. Why does this matter? Well, beyond the seemingly trivial gender expectations placed on infants, children from a young age are expected to act, play, and dress according to their gender. Increasingly, attention is being given to children and young adults who express their gender in ways that don’t conform to gender stereotypes. Perhaps you have seen media coverage of transgender children. For example, a young girl named Jazz was featured in an interview with Barbara Walters in 2013.1 The doctors declared Jazz to be a boy at birth, but she now identifies as a girl and wears female clothing. To understand Jazz’s experience, consider the difference between “gender identity” and “sex.” Everyone has a gender identity—it is our innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both or neither. It’s how we perceive ourselves and what we call ourselves related to gender. Sex is a biological distinction made at birth, based on our body parts. It’s also worth noting, since there tends to be confusion on the issue, that “gender identity” is not the same as “sexual Interview available online here: http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/ transgender-11-listening-jazz-18260857 1 4 point of view | Summer 2014 orientation,” which refers to a person’s enduring physical, emotional, romantic, and/or spiritual attraction to another person. Everyone also has a sexual orientation, such as straight, gay, or bisexual, and we don’t know someone’s sexual orientation from their gender identity or expression. Put simply: gender identity is “who we are” and sexual orientation is “who we love.” For the majority of us, our sex and our gender identity correspond with each other (e.g., the doctor declared that I was a girl at birth and I identify as female). For transgender children like Jazz, this is not the case. Jazz’s gender identity is female but she was declared to be male at birth. As you can imagine, strict rules of dress and behavior based on gender can make life very difficult for children like Jazz. However, it’s important for us to see how these gender rules actually prevent all kids from feeling comfortable being themselves, not just kids who are transgender. Take a moment to think back to your own childhood—most adults can remember a time when they were told as a child that they weren’t acting “right” according to their gender. For example, most women can remember a time when they were told to “act more ladylike,” maybe because they were being too loud or playing too rough, and for men, maybe something along the lines of “big boys don’t fuss” sounds familiar. By and large, these childhood memories are not positive ones for us adults. It follows then, that children and youth who are made to feel different and “less than” because of their gender identity or expression are struggling as they learn, grow, and develop into young adults. These youth fair much worse than their peers in many areas—from mental health and well-being, to school achievement and involvement in extracurricular activities. In fact, research shows that strict gender rules harm kids and keep them from reaching their potential. Studies of children in kindergarten through second grade To learn more about gender’s complexity, check out these resources: Books Gender Born, Gender Made by Diane Erhensaft Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son by Lori Duron The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper Websites Children’s National Medical Center Gender and Sexuality Psychosocial Programs: www.childrensnational.org Family Acceptance Project: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu Gender Spectrum: www.genderspectrum.org Welcoming Schools: www.welcomingschools.org PFLAG’s Transgender Network: http://community.pflag.org/transgender Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference: www.trans-health.org TransKids Purple Rainbow Foundation: www.transkidspurplerainbow.org TransYouth Family Allies: www.imatyfa.org show that even subtle enforcement of stereotypes hurt a child’s performance on quantitative tasks.2 The idea that athletics are “unfeminine” has been linked to a significant drop-off in girls’ participation in sports between middle and high school. And research on older youth shows that if their families reject them or try to change the way they express themselves, they could be more than eight times as likely to attempt suicide compared to kids whose families accept them for who they are.3 Luckily, there are some simple things parents and caring adults can do to help all kids be themselves and not worry so much about how they are “supposed to be.” First, like most things we may recognize and want to change about “how life works,” the work starts with us as individuals. If we take the time to learn more about gender, children, and youth, these gender rules we’ve never really given much thought will be recognizable everywhere and we can start to adjust our own thinking or behavior. Second, we can all model for our children that it’s okay to break the gender mold. We can do this through our words and our actions. Help your kids think critically about the messages they receive about gender. If they come home and tell you about a boy in their school who is “so girly,” ask them to explain what they mean and talk about how it is okay to be different. This doesn’t have to be overly complicated. Keep it simple, something like: “Why can’t Julie be the leader of the debate team just because she’s a girl? Isn’t she good at debate? And she really likes doing it, right?” or “What’s wrong with Nathan reading during recess instead of playing with the other boys? If he likes to read, he should be able to. Just like how you have fun during recess, right?” And third, we can all consider other areas in our lives where gender stereotypes may pop up: from our workplaces to weekend activities with our friends, and to family gatherings. After all, the vast majority of us were raised under these rules and we know them well. Adults are just as likely as children to enforce them among each other. Helping our friends and colleagues think critically will go a long way in creating a community that supports all children to be themselves. Here’s to creating a world where we all can reach our full potential – in pink, blue, or any other color! n Alison Delpercio is the associate director of the Children, Youth & Families Program at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation (www. hrc.org), where she advocates for LGBT-welcoming and affirming practices within child welfare agencies and broader youth-serving organizations. Alison provides organizations with in-depth technical assistance in improving their practice with LGBT youth and families. Human Rights Campaign Foundation Welcoming Schools Project. Gender Identity and Stereotypes: The Impact on Children. Available online: www.welcomingschools.org/pages/gender-identity-stereotypesthe-impact-on-children 3 Ryan, C. Supportive families, healthy children: Helping families with lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgender children. San Francisco, CA: Family Acceptance Project, Marian Wright Edelman Institute, San Francisco State University, 2009. Available online: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/ files/FAP_English%20Booklet_pst.pdf 2 Gender Association of Colors The artwork sprinkled throughout this month’s issue of Point of View was created by 4 to 5-year-olds at the Takoma Park Cooperative Nursery School in response to Lesley Romanoff’s gender bending prompts. T he gender association of the colors pink and blue is much discussed in early childhood education circles, especially in reference to how toy retailers set up aisles— awash in pinks and blues—as they divide up the dolls and action figures and trucks. Clothing stores do the same thing: Shades of yellow and green become little pockets of subversiveness. Not surprisingly, this same gender divide can be found in classrooms from seemingly invisible bits, like teachers organizing children’s portfolios using pink and blue binders, to very visible and actions such as limiting dress-up options and role-playing opportunities for children, and treating children differently based on the characteristics they do or do not exhibit. At Takoma Park Cooperative Nursery School, director Lesley Romanoff attempts to break down these barriers with careful and conscious language. “You can be a boy on the inside and a girl on the outside, or a girl on the inside and the outside, or a boy on the outside and a girl on the inside, or you can be a boy on the inside and the outside.” This conversation is an important one, and Lesley described for us some of the many responses given by the children. “Most frequently, children will carefully consider the prompts and respond with their personal take on who they feel they are. One child recently said, ‘I am a boy on the inside and outside,’ while another, after a considered pause, said, ‘I am a girl on the outside and I have a boy on the inside waiting to get out.’” The idea that pink is for girls and blue is for boys, however, is not easily undone. Even after drawing pictures using pinks and reds for the male figures, and blues for the female, the pre-school children in Lesley’s program—when looking at their own artwork several days later—reverted to traditional gender definitions. The girls drawn in blue, were now said to be boys, and the boys drawn in pink were identified as girls. Despite our best efforts, it is clear how stereotyping is so deeply ingrained even in the very youngest among us. n Summer 2014 | point of view 5 Listening Tools for Building Confidence about love, frustration, worry, guilt, exhaustion, and often a sense of, “I’m alone with this! I don’t know where to turn.” Whatever the feelings might be, the practice is to listen and to trust the parent’s intelligence. By Patty Wipfler The human limbic system, the social-emotional center of our being, seeks the safety of this kind of warm, supportive attention from infancy onward. Our emotional well-being and even our intellectual development hinge on finding that attention. When we can talk to someone who truly listens, the limbic system senses the safety that’s offered, and we begin to instinctively release the emotional tension that weighs on our confidence. For parents of traumatized children, there’s the experience of rejection, worry about the rigidities their children are caught in, and the sense that they are not getting their love through to their child. The pain can be intense. W hen I first met three-year-old Byron, he clung to his mother. They sat together in our playgroup, her shirt gathered in his small fists, Byron absolutely unwilling to leave her lap. He’d been adopted at the age of one from a poorly resourced orphanage in another country. For five months, he’d been attending preschool, and had not ventured from his mom’s lap once. After six weeks of once-a-week playtimes with five other mom-and-child pairs at Hand In Hand Parenting—an organization that utilizes play interaction designed to enhance the parent-child connection—Byron dared to run in and out of the room with the other children, leaving his mother behind, amazed, and elated! He was playing at last, and his mother’s confidence in her parenting ability was growing, too. After two years spent having to hold her son most of the time, she’d lost her sense of competence as his mom. The breakthroughs came on both sides of their relationship, and are still coming today, five years later. Patty Wipfler What helped? The five simple practices of Parenting by Connection—Listening Partnership, Special Time, Playlistening, Setting Limits, and Staylistening—collectively known as Listening Tools. These Listening Tools are activities that build connection and allow people of any age to heal from hurt and trauma. Parents and children are joined in a relationship system, and healing takes place fastest when all members of the system receive warm attention in the form of listening. Byron’s transformation began when I engaged his mom in a Listening Partnership, an exchange of respectful, caring attention from one parent to another. Byron had experienced severe trauma in the orphanage, and his mom faced what felt like failure on a daily basis: failure to soothe her son, failure to boost his confidence, failure to see him blossom despite the ample sunshine of her love. She was up against some difficulties that are often inherent to adoption, foster care, and trauma. Emotional support for her was key to building his sense of safety. In a Listening Partnership, there’s an even exchange. One parent talks while the other listens without interrupting. Then, the parents trade the role of listener. There’s no advice, no judgment, no analysis, and no gossip afterward. In this safe environment, a parent’s story tumbles out. The listener hears 6 point of view | Summer 2014 In her listening exchanges with me and with other moms in our group, Byron’s mom could cry. Sometimes, laughter would break through, too. She had a stockpile of feelings, and there were traumas in her own past that had left her confidence shaken. Being listened to provided great relief. She soon joined my parent support group so she could continue to reduce the backlog of hurt she’d been carrying. When we parents cry, laugh, storm, tremble, and perspire as we talk about our own memories and set out to connect with our loved ones, we heal. We become—at last—more relaxed and more resilient when situations require time, persistence, and creative thinking to resolve. Next, we employed Special Time, the use of small amounts of time to build connection by telling a child you’ll follow his lead in any kind of play he wishes. Special time is Parenting by Connection’s foundational tool for building a child’s confidence. Byron’s mom gave him 20 minutes of Special Time at the start of each playgroup: she paid warm, loving attention to him, and did whatever he wanted. Twenty minutes may sound insignificant, but being trusted in this way, even for short periods, is a real confidence-builder for children. And with traumatized children, whose lives have been bulldozed by experiences they could not understand or control, Special Time is a lifesaver. It signals the child’s limbic system that he’s finally safe and accepted, just as he is. The time limit helps the parent to focus her full attention on her child, and because it has a name, a start, and an end, the child is able to notice the bounty of trust and attention coming toward him, magnifying his sense of safety. Still glued to his mom’s lap, Byron wanted to physically push against her during Special Time. When she rocked back a few inches, he laughed. This was the first little step on the road to a sturdier connection between them. Laughter releases stored fear, and plumps up the sense of connection, as long as it’s not forced by tickling. What gets laughter going is a touch of the unexpected, and often, a willing grown-up playing the less powerful role. Rocking his mom backwards was a small adventure in power that brought lots of laughter for Byron. Over and over he pushed and she rocked backwards. Over and over, Byron laughed and his eyes sparkled. (cont. on page 15) Director’s Corner Considering Opening Your Child’s Adoption and Getting Ready to Search By Beth Hall A t Pact, we get many calls from families asking about the possibility of connecting with their children’s birth parents. When adoptive parents consider opening their child’s adoption with one or more birth family members while that child is still a minor, there are several critical factors that should be taken into account. Whose Story Is It? When considering the possibility of connecting or reconnecting with your minor child’s birth parents and/or family, adoptive parents (and birth parents) must behave the same way any responsible adults with children behave. Be prepared to act out the necessary roles of guidance counselor, emotion coach, executive assistant, detective, decisionmaker, and—always—chief cheerleader and fan of your child. Ultimately, this is your child’s experience and narrative, and any action your take as a parent must place your child’s needs and feelings at the center of the experience. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean you won’t have feelings, including fears and doubts, yourself. The connection to birth family is an important part of an adoptee’s narrative, and regardless the outcome of a search, parents must remember it is eventually their right to know everything you have found (and not found). You will therefore need to determine the best time to tell your child everything you know about her first family. Whose Decision Is It? We know from research and testimony of adult adopted people, that closed adoption has not worked for most adoptees. It is not unreasonable, then, to believe that learning more about their birth families helps them feel more connected to their fullest identity. There are people (some adopted adults included) who believe that adoptees should make search decisions, and adoptive parents should hold back. But in my view, when children are young—under 11, certainly, and even to some extent when they are older but still minors—it is the adoptive parents’ job to make, guide, and safeguard all big decisions for them; there is no reason the search for, and connection to, birth family should be excluded. A caring parent should handle his or her own fears and emotions, and make a plan in order to prepare oneself and one’s child for expected (and unexpected) outcomes. Be careful if you find you’re tempted to think something might be too hard to share. Many adoptive parents struggle with having to tell their children painful truths, hoping that somehow not telling will actually be easier for adopted children (people) in the long run. The idea that the truth is somehow exempt from being part of someone’s story because it is deemed too painful or too difficult misses the point of what it means to be honest. If we don’t teach children that they can handle challenges— including their own painful histories—they will not grow their own confidence muscles, which will ultimately help them handle any and all painful truths as they grow older. Should We Do It? Keep in mind that adoption is confusing for adults and, perhaps most especially, for those who were adopted; adoption was a choice made for them rather than by them. Internationally recognized adoption expert and child welfare advocate Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao, refers to this as the “normative crisis” of adoption.1 It is not unusual for an adopted child to be bewildered about who is his “real” mother, and perplexed regarding the hows and whys of an experience as huge as being moved from one family to another. Adoptive families and adoption as an institution are often misunderstood, and there are almost always aspects of placement that are not clear. It is because of this that children benefit from having parents help them process feelings and questions by supporting potentially complicated birth family relationships, rather than leaving them to handle their feelings or relationships on their own when they become adults. Children cannot be loved by too many people. Embracing the fullness of who adopted and/or fostered children are, and who they are becoming, necessitates recognition that it all began with their birth parents—literally. Setting up an either/or equation between birth and adoptive families creates a loyalty test, one that ultimately leads to reduced closeness between children and parents because of the impossible bind that being in the middle places on the child. Anticipating Outcomes Like you, it is highly probable that your child’s first family is going to have fears and uncertainty about a relationship with your family and their child. And unlike you, they may not have had the benefit of as much education about adoption or open relationships as you have. Most often, birth parents are terrified that you and their child will hate them for their choices. A large majority are respectful of their child’s adoptive Pavao’s book, The Family of Adoption, is available for purchase through Pact. 1 (cont. on page 14) Summer 2014 | point of view 7 Ask Pact Sometimes, members of the Pact community step up and educate all of us in brilliant ways. In this edition of Ask Pact, Holly Fincke—transracial adoptive parent and sibling to a transracially adopted sister—shares some great insights. Fincke offers ideas on how to build bridges rather than walls as we navigate complex conversations about race and racism with people of color. Q: My family has been struggling to communicate with the African-American principal and some of the teachers at my daughter’s school. What I see as racial bullying, they have characterized as par for the course and an opportunity for my daughter to toughen up. I won’t go into the details, but I wonder if you can give me advice for how to advocate for my African-American daughter with AfricanAmerican adults when we don’t see eye to eye? A: It is very challenging for a white parent to have a conversation with a person of color that pivots on a disagreement about racism and what to do about it. I think yours is an important question because IF we (transracial adopters) involve our kids in situations—as we should— where the leadership is people of color, we might have disagreements, some of which might be about how to address racism. I agree with others on Pact’s listserv who have said there should be a clear and even-handed official school policy, and that your daughter deserved redress. But even within that viewpoint, I think there are some big considerations in how to approach a situation like this. I really applaud you for posting this question and for seeking advice, and I feel for you and for how agonizing this experience has been for your daughter. This situation made me think in general terms about guidelines white parents can use when discussing issues of race, and I came up with some key things to do/ask in these kinds of situations: 1. Center yourself on the absolute truth that we are new to this. The truth is that any person of color has years of his/her own life, and several hundred years of their ancestors’ experience dealing with racism. This doesn’t mean that a person in a leadership position is right all the time, but it does mean we need to find the bearing and tone within us to recognize that fundamental truth and show respect for it. I have been in situations where I have been outraged about racism in a way that is different than where people of color are at with a given situation. From life experience, they have had a different assessment of the relative outrageousness of the racism at hand. Often their plan of action has been different than what I would think of—sometimes it’s more calibrated action, or maybe it’s no action at all because something else is more important. It’s complicated, but I think we have to appreciate how new we are to this—how obvious that is—and that there may be something to hear from people of color, even if their 8 point of view | Summer 2014 positions seem completely unreasonable. I think of this as the “lifelong learning” another parent referred to, which is based in humbleness about what we actually don’t know. People of color, because they often really care about our kids, will want to teach us—and sometimes in pretty blunt ways— about the tough world our kids are walking into, that most of us white parents as “newbies” are slower to expose them to. It’s hard and that might not be our agenda, but their caring is a gift. 2. Investigate the context, be open to hearing it, and know how narrow the needle might be for the person of color you’re with whom you’re working on this issue. I was thinking this week about a 2008 article, “The Tightrope and the Needle,” by Linda Burnham, founder of the Women of Color Resource Center. She wrote about how Obama had to thread “the very narrowest of needles” as an AfricanAmerican Presidential contender. There are many other metaphors, but the gist is that many leaders of color — unless they are part of an explicitly anti-racist institution— have to be acutely aware of every single thing around them in relationship to race and are threading that narrow needle, particularly when it comes to speaking up about racism. In this case, it could help to ask, is there something going on at the school that could be affecting the principal’s reaction? Perhaps your daughter’s situation would force the principal to confront parents who have been racist and have challenged the principal’s own legitimacy as a leader. At my daughter’s school, for instance, there was a real critique of the African-American principal last year by white parents and some bruising meetings. Some criticisms were perhaps legitimate. But others were very disrespectful and clearly reflective of white privilege. That kind of experience has a great impact on how a person of color threads that needle generally and specifically with individuals who they know are not allies. Finding out about, and being open to hearing, the overall context the leader of color is dealing with in an institution, even as our first priority is our kids, can be really important as we advocate. If we know this and engage in a discussion, we can be allies in helping figure a way around it. 3. Know that no adult of color HAS to do anything about racism in any particular instance, and that adults of color have to make choices ALL the time. Our kids will, too. Given number two above, and the very real constraints adults of color are working within, even wonderful people can’t always do the best thing in every instance, and they have to make choices. For example, my daughter previously went to a school where there was one African-American vice principal. The principal was white and was not very conscious about racism as were most of the teaching staff. I think the only other African-American on campus was a PE instructor. Many parents of children of color turned to the vice principal, who, I would venture to say, made choices ALL the time about which situations to surface with the principal and the staff. Sadly, there are literally not enough hours in a day or enough human energy to do otherwise. 4. Be real about the racial dynamic and organize around it. I think most people of color appreciate straight talk from white people, including acknowledgment of the racial dynamic, our own limitations, and honest efforts to deal with it. It might be helpful to meet with the principal along with an adult of color who is close to the child; in this situation another white adult is less likely to be helpful. The message to the principal could be, “This friend has had a longtime relationship with my child and is concerned. I think she/ he is good at sifting things out, can help me understand your position and what you’re saying about this, since we both know—going into this meeting— that we’re kind of at loggerheads.” Letting your friend know that its OK to not to be on “your” side once hearing from the principal would be important to the success of this approach. The stance of openness, honesty, and the offering of a real resource of someone who could help de-escalate and move to a solution. I don’t mean to suggest that we rely on people of color for help rather than doing our own work. But we sometimes find ourselves in moments where we need specific kinds of support and it does matter who the intermediary or messenger is. And it goes without saying, and as Pact reminds us, that we need those authentic relationships if we don’t have them now. 5. Ask yourself, have you been on ally on racism, particularly, but not only, within the system your kid is in? As always, we have to ask ourselves whether we are working for racial justice, beyond the issues that immediately affect our children. If we do this, people of color come to know us not just as white parents trying to get the best for our individual children from a privileged position, but also as people who care about the broader community. We also learn and build skills to address racism because we’re exercising that muscle. But best of all and most importantly, we can fundamentally change the systems our kids will encounter throughout their lifetimes, the cultural messages they receive about their worth, and the world they will inherit. n Teen Corner T his past April, our Teen and Tween Club members spent some time brainstorming their thoughts, attitudes, and feelings as they pertain to race. Through a variety of exercises, the kids made a list of what race means to them, saying (among other things) that it’s a social construct, it’s how you people identify themselves, and it’s a way to keep people divided or united. They shared the many ways they identify at home: as a son or daughter, as Black or Blaxican, as transracial, as adopted. One child even identified as “the little Asian kid.” Their identifications at school were further varied, with kids using terms such as adopted, cisgender, boy straight, Black girl and dyslexic to define themselves. They also tackled the role race plays in their friendships, as well as the emotions that arise from discussions about race. This is big stuff and these kids have lots of ideas about it, so it should come as little surprise that their many answers could not fit in this space. But the dialogue following these exercises was lively and from it grew an Adopted Person’s Bill of Rights, as well as Twelve Things We Wish Everyone Knew About Race. The facilitators (mostly adoptees themselves) reported that, “They were so happy to be discussing these things they had in common, such as, ‘Has anyone ever asked you how you were born? How stupid is that?!’ and ‘Yeah, yeah, totally! Have you ever got the, “But who is your real brother”?’ It was truly beautiful, and the Bill of Rights they produced is amazing.” The youth themselves said: “We felt that we went over what schools and society don’t like to talk about, and it makes us feel like we can address not all but some facts about racism, adoption, and stereotypes together,” and, “It was really cool. We got to talk about stuff we never get to talk about, and we felt comfortable doing it because we have each other.” We present their work here. Adopted Person’s Bill of Rights As adopted people we have a right... 1. To play any game. 2. To keep our identity as an adoptee confidential. 3. To say no to answering questions. (cont. on page 16) Summer 2014 | point of view 9 Ask a First/Birth Mother Ask A First/Birth Mother provides a forum for adoptive parents to ask the things they fear to ask, so that they can more competently address the complexities of adoption for the benefit of the children they are parenting. Susan chooses to use the term “first/birth mother” as a way of honoring two ways in which women who have placed children in adoption describe themselves. If you have a question you would like to see addressed, please send it to the attention of Ask A First/ Birth Mother at [email protected]. Q: We have never met our five-year-old son’s birth father and based on what the birth mother says, we doubt he wants to be involved. We have a good relationship with the birth mother…is that enough? Or should we be doing more to reach out to the birth father as well? A: Thank you for asking this important question and for being interested in the experiences of first/ birth fathers, and their role in the lives of adopted people. I personally prefer the term “first” but many still use the term “birth” and it continues to be more widely recognized. Since repeated use of first/birth can make for a cumbersome read, I will use “first” throughout the remainder of the column. So often, the focus in adoption is on the relationship with the first mother, and perhaps her extended family. Adoptive parents seem to resign themselves—and therefore their children—to what may at first appear to be a closed door when it comes to the other half of their child’s family, history, and legacy. While adopted people may have very different feelings about their first fathers, I would encourage you to assume that your son’s first father is, or will someday be, just as important a presence in the mind of your child as his first mother. Operate with this as the default until your child lets you know otherwise or can make his own decisions about the role of his first father in his life. First fathers have been in the news more than ever recently, largely due to the high-profile case of Dusten Brown who was embroiled in a years-long custody battle over his daughter, Veronica. Dusten never wanted to place Veronica for adoption and he found himself, through a series of legal maneuvers by the adoptive parents, losing custody despite being a fit parent who wanted to raise his daughter (see tulsaworld.com and indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com for a detailed background on Adoptive Couple vs. Baby Girl). The case was additionally complex in that the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) should have applied to Veronica, whose father is a member of the Cherokee nation. A federal law passed in 1978 to protect and preserve Indian tribes, ICWA establishes an “Indian preference” for adoptive parents so that children can be raised within their culture. ICWA was passed in response to an “alarmingly high percentage of Indian families in comparison to the general population” whose children were removed by non-tribal agencies (nicwa.org). In this case, Veronica was placed with a Caucasian family. 10 point of view | Summer 2014 Although Dusten does not appear to identify as a first father, but rather a father whose child has been removed (or stolen or kidnapped?) from him, I am referring to his situation because it illustrates two important issues. First, it demonstrates that sometimes the father is not even aware he has a child, or that his child will be placed for adoption. In Dusten’s case, he stated that he did not realize paperwork the first mother sent him was intended to terminate his parental rights so that she could place Veronica. First mothers cannot be forced to disclose the identity of the father, and therefore a father who might have wished to parent may not even be given that chance. Laws vary from state to state, but the outcome is that there are many scenarios where a first father may not be given an opportunity to consent to, or contest, an adoption. There is a range of situations in which a first mother would be unable to disclose, or feel justified in not disclosing, the identity of the first father. Some examples are cases of rape; one-time sexual encounters without the exchange of identifying information; a belief that the father would not be a fit parent; a relationship has ended with difficult feelings; or when a woman simply decides that adoption is what’s right for her child, and she does not want the father to intervene or contest it. I could also speculate as to the emotional factors underlying such a justification—fear, shame, and guilt come to mind. In general, a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy may be trying to get through with minimal stress and drama, and may decide that excluding the father is what’s best for her. My first mother, for example, did not choose to share the identity of my first father with the adoption agency for her own complex reasons. He was not even aware of my existence until I was six months old, with a finalized adoption, when he returned from army deployment and she showed him a photograph of me saying: “This is our child.” The second issue the Dusten Brown case illustrates is the importance of the heritage, legacy, and history that comes from the first father. In Dusten’s case, a federal law already existed that acknowledged the importance of making a serious attempt to ensure that Native American children are raised within their culture. An adopted person may or may not identify strongly with one or both first family heritages, but having access is crucial. Even if the first father is not interested in being involved, adoptive parents should be making attempts to ensure that their child is able to access his history, which cannot exclude that of the first father to truly be accurate and integrated. Especially in circumstances where a child’s first parents have different racial identities, or hold different pieces of cultural history (language, religion, regional, etc.), your child may feel a strong need to explore and identify with his first father and family. For example, a biracial child whose first father is African-American may only be able to get that sense of identity and connectedness from that family, if her first mother is not African-American. Adopted people want to know about both first parents, so although research shows that a search and reunion often begins with first mothers, it will usually expand to include fathers as well. While it is important to acknowledge the possibility that first fathers may not have been made aware of their children, what seems to be more common is that they are indeed aware. And, like all fathers, there is a huge range in terms of their readiness and ability to be a parent, as well as their understanding of what their child is likely to need from them, now and in the future. I know first mothers who refer to the first father as the “sperm donor,” as they feel that most accurately captures the extent of his involvement. I also know first mothers—myself included—who were and continue to be supported every step of the way by their child’s first father, and who want him to have equal access to and involvement with their child. I know some first fathers who want nothing more than to be a positive influence and role model in their child’s life, and I know of some first fathers who are avoiding any and all responsibility, and are emotionally and practically unavailable for a relationship. All of that said, it is important to remember that people can change. In the situation you describe, it sounds like there is a perception that the first father may not wish to be involved, and that may be the case. It may be accurate that he is currently uninterested in a relationship with your child. But it sounds like you do not actually know what his perspective is, and are basing your assumption on what the first mother or adoption agency is saying. I would suggest that your role in this situation is to discover for yourself what kind of relationship the first father is available for, while remembering that this may not be a permanent state. Emotional maturity and life circumstances change over time, so stay open to the possibility that even if he is not available now, he might be in the future. speak for him, what I observed in my daughter’s first father was a sense of obligation, duty, and cautious affection for her while I was pregnant, followed by an intense, profound sense of love and connectedness with her when she was born. It was almost as if he experienced the fatherhood hormones in one sudden release when she was born, whereas I had nine months to bond and feel my motherhood. This is all to say that your child’s first father may not even know that he matters, or that he has the right to care about his child, or that he is an important and valuable person in his life. While it is not your job to single-handedly educate or support him, I would venture that you could have quite a bit of influence in this arena, and that it would be a good use of your influence—and in your child’s best interest—to nurture a sense of connectedness. It is in your child’s interest to feel loved and accepted by his first father…so tell him what an amazing child you share! Let him know what shared characteristics and qualities you see in your child, whether it be in his beautiful brown eyes, his math skills, or his love of the outdoors. Let him know that adopted people DO think about their first fathers, and that he CAN have an important role in his child’s life. Contact Pact for additional materials and articles on the perspectives of first fathers, and on what adopted people need from their first parents, and send him that information, along with a big stack of photos and a heartfelt update on all the wonderful things you see in your/ his child. May this be in service of our own growth and the well-being of all our children. n *Pact knows how important language is and we honor the terms “first” and “birth” as they pertain to mothers and fathers whose children have been adopted. Remember too, that he may not realize just how important he could be in the life of your shared child. There is obviously a long history of first mothers being conditioned to believe that they play only a bit part of the life of their child, giving first and then moving on. First mothers typically receive only minimal information about the psychology and needs of adopted people, and are very surprised to find out how much of a presence they have in the minds of their children. First fathers, if they are even able to access pre- and postplacement services, probably find it even more challenging to understand just how important they might be, especially since they are often stereotyped as completely absent, negligent, self-centered, or the main reason first mothers chose adoption. Even among expectant couples who are planning to parent, the partner who is not pregnant may have difficulty feeling bonded and connected to the child until s/ he is born, when suddenly this flood of protective, parental feelings kicks in. So, when an expectant couple decides to place, the father may only have a few days of feeling that sense of fatherhood, of protector, of parent. Although I can’t Summer 2014 | point of view 11 BOOK REVIEW Born From the Heart By Berta Serrano Illustrated by Alfonso Serrano (Sterling Children’s Books, 2013) Reviewed by Marie-Claude Provencher with the help of her 12-year-old son, Clovis Choquette, who happens to be adopted. B orn From the Heart describes the journey of a straight couple—with particular focus on the woman—as they try to start a family. The illustrations are beautiful and unusual with the main characters drawn in long, whimsical lines, in nice soothing colors. And the story begins with the pre-adoptive mother, Rose, explaining that her dream had always been to have a family. All good so far. But the story starts getting weird when the couple goes to the doctor who tells them to take a potion made of love, enthusiasm, and patience so they can have a baby. She takes the potion (her husband does not) and she starts feeling something beating inside her chest. Her child is growing in her heart! The doctor confirms this, and her heart starts getting bigger as the child is growing in it—a clear analogy to a pregnancy. Rose goes to a “growing hearts” maternity store to get new clothes that fit properly, and a sleeping pillow for her “heartshapedAuthors Marie-Claude Provencher and her son Clovis Choquette. pregnancy.” When the phone rings to tell her it is time for the baby to arrive, Rose is depicted practicing deep breathing. Rose and her husband Charlie take a plane, get on a boat (is the boat driver wearing a Chinese-looking hat?), and ride on a donkey before finally arriving at a house with an open door. Inside the house Rose gives birth from her heart, among rainbows and laughter. Then, shown in a birthing position, she hugs her new baby. The end. After reading the book, I was left with a feeling of uneasiness. Why compare an adoption to a pregnancy? Why not also have the adoptive dad “pregnant from the heart”? Why ignore the birth family? I wondered: is she trying to 12 point of view | Summer 2014 replace the birth mother/family? At the very least, equating the experience of an adoptive parent with that of a birth parent—in particular, a birth mother— is disrespectful to the dual connections that adopted people live with. I asked one of my local adoption experts, my son Clovis, to read this book and tell me his opinion. His response kind of says it all: “This book is not a book on adoption because it does not show an adoption. It does not show a child going from one family to another; the relinquishment part of the adoption. It shows the birth of a child out of a mother’s heart. Not an adoption. And really, mom, kids are not born among rainbows and laughter...” Of course he was right. This book isn’t about the experience of an adoptee and in fact, it seems overwhelmingly focused on the needs of adoptive-parents. Unfortunately, the book does not tell the story of the child’s birth family, nor does it tell the story of the adopted child. Furthermore, the story does a disservice to those of us adoptive parents who are working hard to ensure that our children feel confident and competent to honor their full selves, and not just that part of them born in our dreams or fantasies about parenthood. Isn’t this exactly what many adult adoptees tell us? Being asked to fulfill their parent’s fantasy of a child born to them, is like being asked to be someone different that who you are. It is the ultimate rejection of the person they actually are: a unique blend of their birth and adoptive heritage. The author writes in her end-of-book notes that this book was prompted by the distress and grief her son had when he realized for the first time that he was not her biological son. She writes: “As a mom, I wanted an immediate solution, the magical action that would forever take his pain away. But all I could do was embrace him, contain his pain with my love, and be present to talk about anything he wanted.” The thing is, there is no immediate solution or magical action, and though her intentions might have been good, this “love letter to her son,” as she calls it, seems like a clumsy response. It really only validates the adoptive parents’ point of view while ignoring the reasons for such distress and grief, perhaps even making it more difficult for a child to talk about that pain. I can only imagine the confusion it would cause to young readers who don’t know much about adoption or, more pertinently, to those who are adopted themselves, those who would be left to assume that they were created to fulfill a rainbow-and-heart-filled fantasy of their parents, essentially unrelated to who they actually are. While Serrano probably meant well, the metaphorical vehicle she chose isn’t likely to encourage an honest dialogue about adoption. Even though the illustrations are pretty, I can not recommend this book to anyone. Because—in the words of my son— this book is not a book on adoption, because it does not show the real truth about any adoption. n BOOK REVIEW Black Stats African Americans by the Numbers in the Twenty-First Century By Monique W. Morris (The New Press, Perseus Books © 2014) Black Stats is available for purchase through Pact’s Bookstore: www.store.pactadopt.org Reviewed by Beth Hall M onique Morris wrote Black Stats: African Americans by the Numbers in the Twenty-First Century to compile an easy reference of contemporary information to help inform conversations about Black America’s current condition. Morris covers are a wide swath of topics including demographics of where African American’s live to cultural, economic, and educational myths. Black Stats is an essential reference for anyone who wants to check their facts about the African American population in 2014. With fascinating and often surprising information on everything from incarceration rates, lending practices, and the arts, to marriage, voting habits, and green jobs, the contextualized material in this book will better attune readers to telling trends while challenging commonly held—yet often misguided— perceptions. A compilation that at once highlights measures of incredible progress and enumerates the disparate impacts of social policies and practices, this book is a critical tool for advocates, educators, and policy makers. Black Stats offers indispensable information that is sure to enlighten discussions and provoke debates about the quality of Black life in the United States today—and help chart the path to a better future. A few stats of note: 1. Approximately half of the Black population in the United States lives in neighborhoods that have no white residents. 2. In the five years before the Great Recession, the number of Black-owned businesses in the United States increased by 61 percent. 3. A 2010 study found that 41 percent of Black youth feel that rap music videos should be more political. 4. There are no Black owners or presidents of an NFL franchise team. 5. 78 percent of Black Americans live within 30 miles of a coal-fired power plant, compared with 56 percent of white Americans. 6. Black women account for 32% of TANF (welfare), recipients making the destructive stereotype of the African American welfare “queen” untrue (in fact 62% of welfare recipients are white or Hispanic). 7. 83% of African American students have their homework checked at home compared to 57% of white students and 59% of Asian students—a statistic that is often called an indicator of family support for higher education. 8. The oft-quoted lore that there are more Black men in prison than in college is shown to be inaccurate; in fact, there are 600,000 more black men in American colleges than in American prisons. African Americans are often the subjects of memes that do little more than caricature their life experiences for public consumption. The kinds of statistics and accurate demographics presented in this book are important for all families and professionals looking to ensure racial equity, and to assess our progress (and lack thereof) regarding opportunity and reality for African Americans. Ms. Morris holds the academic and research worlds accountable for the nature of the statistics we have, as well as those we don’t, something outlined by Khalil Gibran Muhammad in his introduction to Black Stats: Du Bois learned a hard lesson that numbers never speak for themselves. Statistics are only an artifact of the power to shape questions we think are worth asking. They are meaningful only in relationship to how we interpret them in light of the public policies we seek to enact[….] Data are not produced in a vacuum. Why, for example, is there no national database of police brutality? How come the Philadelphia police department does not know how many Italian Americans committed armed robbery last year? The former has never been measured and the latter we stopped collecting in the 1930s…. Quantitative evidence of racial disparity never proved racism on its own in Du Bois’s day any more than it does in our won. Monique W. Morris’s Black Stats notes that Black youth make up 16 percent of public K-12 students and 9 percent of private school students but make up 35 percent of those who are suspended from school. This would seem an outrage and surely evidence that something is terribly wrong in how Black children are treated by teachers, of whom only 7 percent nationwide are Black. And yet it all depends on what you believe about the hearts and minds of White teachers, the quality of Black parenting, and the role racism plays in shaping social outcomes today…. Statistics will often tell an incomplete story at best or an outright falsehood at worst. They cannot change the world on their own. Beliefs are far more powerful than numbers…[w]hat we do with the information, what we say about it, the stories we tell from it, and the movements we launch because of it are our way forward. Bravo to Ms. Morris. This book should be on the bookshelf in every school, every library and in the home of every family that cares about the well-being of Black children and families in America. n Summer 2014 | point of view 13 Director’s Corner (cont. from page 7) parents because they can see how well their child is doing under their care, something they wish they had been able to do themselves. They are often enormously grateful, even if they also harbor feelings of regret or shame about their own choices. Additionally, they understand that access to their child is something you control, which makes them likely to be cautious and careful about your feelings and desires. Sometimes adoptive parents, whose children have been harmed physically or otherwise by their birth parents or other family members, do not feel particularly grateful or kindly towards the people who hurt the child they now love. Research2 demonstrates that self-esteem in adopted people is directly linked to the respect and acknowledgement given to their birth parents and birth heritage by the caring adults in their lives. In addition, a significant number of adopted and fostered people seek to reunite with their first families, including members that harmed them when they were younger. Adoptive parents need to help their children prepare for those relationships so they will be able to stay safe, especially if their birth parents/family members engage in unsafe behaviors. And remember, even people with the worst of problems have some redeeming qualities that can be valued even if their behaviors are problematic. Explore possibilities for search that include your child’s birth parents, as well as other siblings and/or extended family members. Be creative in your search, recognizing that you may find new information or surprising outcomes different than what you previously knew. It’s important that parents have a chance to digest information and figure out the best way to share it with their kids, which is further reasoning for parents of younger children to begin the search themselves. Using an intermediary who has experience working with birth families is often critical. Birth parents or family members are sometimes reluctant to consider a relationship because of their own fears. Being found can feel like a surprise that for some is frightening, particularly if a birth parent hasn’t fully processed his or her own feelings about the placement to begin with. Other times, birth family members will be told about a child they didn’t know about, which can feel like a betrayal or raise questions about the relationship they thought they had with your child’s birth mother or father. An intermediary gives the birth family a trusted confidant to whom they can address questions and also express their own fears without burdening you or their child with their first reactions, and it allows them time for a more considered and possibly more generous secondary reaction. Human beings often do better when we have time to process our feelings. If you know that there are likely to be cultural, class, or familial differences between adoptive and birth families, you can also be preparing your child by encouraging opportunities for her to interact with others who share her birth family’s Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky et al. is available for purchase through Pact. 2 14 point of view | Summer 2014 culture, class, or family structure. This will allow the child to see that the way her birth family acts is not unique to them, and is not uncommon among people who share their culture or class. Similarly, if you know your child’s birth parents or family members have particular challenges, you can frontload your child’s experiences so that they are familiar with and will recognize some of the behaviors and attitudes they are likely to observe among their first family members. Completing the Search Itself Families must often reconstruct information to find their child’s birth family members. If you have a full name, social security number, and birth date, you are almost certain to be able to find a person (presuming they are a US citizen). If you have less information, involving a professional searcher or private investigator will help. Good record keeping cannot be over emphasized. Keep detailed records of everything you have done to prepare and find your child’s first family. Whether or not you are successful, eventually you will share everything with your child and he will appreciate each detail as evidence of your support in his own journey of identity. If you do find his birth parents or other family members, speak to the adults first and get help if you need it to clarify your expectations. Then work together to plan how and when to tell your child the news, and begin to explore a relationship between them. I suggest creating a series of pictures and an introduction to your family that includes your motivation for searching, a brief description of their child, including reassurance about their personality and life, and a suggested next step for communication. If there are particular pieces of information, desired facts, or pictures that the birth family might have, and that you know are important to your child, ask for those in this first communication. If you are using an intermediary or advisor, they can deliver this first communication on your behalf, and help you determine your next steps, while helping you feel safe and positive about your ongoing plans together. Remember, it is normal for children and adults to approach new relationships—especially those of great importance— with both enthusiasm and fear at the same time. Give your child control and information in a supportive way, but always keep in mind that part of what you are showing them is that they can handle having two families and that you will support them, stay connected, and be their parent—no matter what. n Listening Tools (cont. from page 6) After Special Time, I came to “listen” in play, and Byron began rocking his mom again. Every time they bounced back from rocking, I responded with surprise and delight. That brought more laughter. This third practice is called Playlistening. With this tool, the grown-up intentionally promotes laughter in play, and several grown-ups, or several children, can be included. With this Listening Tool, a parent or ally simply notices what brings laughter, and does it again and again. Laughter releases tension, builds connection, and is often a gateway to healing entrenched hurt—the hurt that results from traumatic experience. After some weeks of Playlistening in our group, Byron had briefly left his mother’s lap to play with me, but he was still lap-bound most of the time. He still ignored the other children. We had built his confidence, and now his mom wanted to offer him the challenge of separating more consciously from her. Setting Limits, the fourth practice, is a vital Listening Tool. In order for limit-setting to heal trauma and benefit the child, a trusting relationship must be in place. The parent (or other trusted adult) needs to have shown the child that she isn’t urgent to change the child’s behavior, and that the child’s rigidities aren’t driving her nuts. Listening Partnerships are a crucial outlet for such frustrations. Byron’s mom held him in her arms, told him that she was going to sit three feet away from him for just five minutes, and assured him that I would be with him the whole time. He cried hard in protest. We listened. He perspired. He trembled. He kicked and clung. Still, she held him and when he calmed down, she patted the floor and said again, “Byron, I’m going to go over here. You’ll be safe,” so he could release more feelings. That day, she simply proposed this move, and let him respond in her arms. This is the safest possible situation for a traumatized child—or any child—to heal fears about separation. They think about the prospect, and as a child’s fears pour out, the parent’s confidence and love pour in to heal the wound. While a child is crying or thrashing with the vigorous fight-orflight response to fear, it doesn’t look like they’re receiving your love and attention at all. Every time they dare to glance up and see your loving countenance, the safety of your attention escalates their loud, frantic release of stored feelings of fear. It’s your job to receive the news of how frightening it was, once upon a time in your child’s life. Your child is scrubbing out the terror he has to manage every minute of every day. If you can support your child through his emotional episode until the feelings subside, his rigidities will loosen up. He’ll feel more connected to you, and will show you—through eye contact, affection, insightful thoughts, or more relaxed behavior—that he’s less frightened now. We call this Staylistening, the final Listening Tool. After just a few short-but-intense cries like this, Byron could jump out of his mom’s lap and run with the other children in play. His fears were finally healing! At eight, Byron is still having big, fighting cries pretty regularly. He still feels unloved on occasion, and is still making sense of the deep isolation he must have suffered as an infant. But he does well in school and with friends. His mom continues to use Listening Partnerships to forward her own healing, and to help her keep reaching for her son when he walls himself off. He continues to tell her how life looks to him in ways that are sometimes painful for her to hear. But Byron and his mom both have their emotional projects, and they both have tools they now use to keep loosening the bonds of trauma, to keep their love flowing strongly, and to build their confidence, chuckle-by-chuckle and cry by cry. Using Listening Tools, they are strengthening their connection and Byron is learning to trust not only his mom, but also others around him, and probably most importantly, he is learning to trust himself. n Patty Wipfler founded the non-profit Parents Leadership Institute in 1989, which evolved into Hand in Hand Parenting. As Director, she has written 14 booklets, produced videotapes and audiotapes, and has written over 100 articles on the principles and benefits of Parenting by Connection. To date, Hand in Hand has sold over 500,000 of these booklets in English, Spanish, Chinese, and Japanese. Sadness in Adoption (cont. from page 3) is not necessarily a bad life. After talking to Beth Hall about the case, my client and I talked about how people learn to take care of themselves in environments that may seem overwhelmingly difficult to people who live someplace else. We talked about the tornados that sometimes come to central Ohio and how we practice being safe when the test sirens go off. We also discussed how people in other states without heavy storms may not understand what it’s like to live through an Ohio spring; how they might worry about us more than we worry about ourselves. Of course, we also talked about my client’s birth mom. We talked about how anger and sadness and love and joy can be all mixed up in adoption, and how missing his birth mom and loving her doesn’t mean he can’t also feel angry that she let him go. We talked about how adoption is confusing and sometimes it’s hard to make sense of it all. We talked about how the grown-ups are doing the best they can to make good decisions for the kids, and how the kids get to have their own opinions about those decisions. The journey of adoption is an ongoing one. For now, books about my client’s country and videos from YouTube are enough to calm his fears. But he will need more complex answers as he grows. I encouraged his parents to keep the conversation going, to check in even when he seems disinterested, and to do their own research during down times (when adoption seems less pressing), so that they are prepared when their son comes to them with more questions. n * All identifying information has been changed to protect the confidentiality of the child in this essay. Dawn Friedman, MSEd, LPC, is a counselor and writer in Columbus Ohio. You can learn more about her at her website: www. BuildingFamilyCounseling.com Summer 2014 | point of view 15 Teen Corner (cont. from pg. 9) 4. To keep our stories private. 18.Yes, we might not resemble our adopted families. 5. To stand up for you. 19.No, we don’t always want to explain. 6. To refuse unneeded sympathy. We get tired of hearing people say, “Oh, I’m so sorry that you’re adopted.” And what is so bad about being adopted? Why should we have to feel bad? 20.To call our adopted families our “REAL” families. 7. To not be influenced by other’s feelings about adoption. 8. To have our original birth certificates. 9. To not explain our stories if we don’t feel like it. We have the right to keep our stories private. I don’t have to tell you why or how I was adopted if I don’t want to. 21.To have adoption be known, taught, and discussed in education and media. Family structure, like adoption, affects everyone and should be taught in schools and in the wider media. We shouldn’t always have to do the educating about adoption. Others can do the educating, so that we don’t always have to be the ones explaining. 22.To not have to do ancestors/family tree/personal history school projects. 11.To know our past and create our own futures. Twelve Things We Wish Everyone Knew About Race 12.To be able to “tell off” anyone who makes assumptions. 1. That race doesn’t decide how people speak. 13.To not have movies define us. We are not all “orphans” or “door step babies.” 2. Race doesn’t define who you are…and we still have to be aware of systems of oppression. 14.To not be treated as “less than” non-adoptees. We have families. We are equal! 15.To not be treated as aliens—we went through the same birth process as non-adoptees! 3. Race shouldn’t decide what you can’t do. “People have been telling me forever that I can’t dance because I’m Asian, but I’ve been dancing since I was five years old. And I’m good at it. So I’m going to keep doing it.” 16.To not answer stupid questions. 4. Judge people by who they are, not their appearance. 17.Yes, we are adopted. 5. RACISM STILL EXISTS. 10.To not always have to be grateful for our adoption. 6. Racism (prejudice plus power) and prejudice (pre-judging) are two different things. 7. Ethnocentrism is the problem because people think their way is the only way. 8. Be an ally: • Be a friend/person who helps someone in a time of need. • Stand with someone so they don’t have to stand alone. 9. Be Inclusive. 10.Show kindness. 11.Bring positivity. 12.Be the light in the darkness. n WE INVITE YOU TO BECOME A PACT MEMBER TODAY! Go to www.pactadopt.org/membership/join.asp Pact, an Adoption Alliance 5515 Doyle St, Suite 1 Emeryville, CA 94608 Voice: 510-243-9460 Fax: 510-243-9970 www.pactadopt.org [email protected] Charlotte Aaron Office Administrator Lisa Kelly Youth Coordinator Guillermo Torres Youth Coordinator David Berwick Development & Website Administrator Deanna Matthews Education Specialist & Pact Family Camp Director Katie Wynen Pre-Placement Adoption Specialist Pact Attallah Hill Bookkeeper Kim Olenic Transracial Adoption Specialist Beth Hall Founder and Director Marsha Hiller Transracial Adoption Specialist Malaika Parker Family of Color Specialist Susan Ito Michele Rabkin Chair, Adult Adoptee Advisory Board Communication Specialist 16 point of view | Summer 2014 Point of View Beth Hall Editorial Director Aaryn Belfer Editor Margaret Copeland Graphic Designer