Act 1 Act 2 - V Show 2016

 Act 1 Prologue Scene One Scene Two Opener “Insanity” Song “Quit Fired” Song The Walk Call of Duty Toilet Paper Company Coffee Shop “Zuit Suit Riot” Dance “Broken Dreams” Song Scene Three Sunday Dinner Men’s Dance and Song “Big Break” Song and Dance Scene Four “Telephone” Dance “Project Greenlight” Song Scene Five Meeting with Producers/Directors Very LA Production Meeting Closer “Sir Duke” Song Act 2 Scene One Scene Two Auditions Opener “You Can’t Stop the Show” Song “Wild Child” Dance “Cast This Scene” Song The Rehearsal “Actin’ Groove” Song Scene Three Scene Four Budget Meeting “I Want Money” Dance Closer “Tonight, Tonight” Song Leaving the Academy Awards Prologue Scene Description: Joey is walking to work. Characters Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Operator ‐ Chaffon Harris Spotlight on Joey. Lights on apron where the Operator sits. Joey is walking down the street (aisle) all gray and hapless. His umbrella has lost the fabric. His briefcase spills. He is making a phone call and trying to make a reservation for he and his girlfriend to vacation at a Sandals Resort. Operator: Main Menu....Para Espanol....oprime o diga dos. (Pause) For English....press or say one... Joey: (Annoyed) Sandals! Sandals! Reservation PLEASE! Reservaciones por favor! Operator: Password not recognized. Main Menu....para Espanol oprime o diga dos. (Pause) For English....press or say one. Joey: Really? Today of all days? Really? Are you kidding me? Heeeelllooo, Shalom, Aloha, HOLA. Operator: Did you say wake up call? Joey: (Looking at phone) You need to wake up! Operator: I am wide awake. Joey: (Still Looking at phone) I knew you weren't a computer. Operator: Sorry we are not hiring right now. Shalom! Joey: Shalom? (frustrated) Manager, supervisor, anybody but you!! Operator: Please hold. (waits a couple of seconds then pick up the phone) I'm sorry I do not recognize your command. Goodbye. Lights Out. Opener – “Insanity” adapted from "Aquarius" Transition 1: Wirlwind dance to Wizard of OZ. (dress as wind). Twirling dropping of piles of work, notes, messages, etc. (7‐10 seconds) Act 1, Scene 1 Scene Description: In the office of Call of Duty Toilet Paper Company. Characters Mimi ‐ Kristine Miller Dottie ‐ Carrie Bradford Slatkey ‐ Amy Zima Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Dwight ‐ Jorge Alonso Lumberg ‐ Scott Miller Oswald (UPS guy/friend of Joey's) ‐ Ron Elm Mr. Whipple ‐ Doug Massengill Bear ‐ Mike Donovan Lights on Everybody is busy working. Dottie: (Answering the telephone) Call of Duty Toilet Paper Company. (sarcastic) Can you please hold it? Call of Duty Toilet Paper, making YOUR business our business for over 50 years. Call of Duty Toilet Paper Company, your number 2 is our number 1 priority. Call of Duty..Yes, Sir…Your duty…Yes, Sir… Is our Duty…Right Away Sir. As Soon as he pops in. (Joey Walks In). (To Joey) You're late! The Big Guy has been looking for you. Joey: Must have made another SMOOTH MOVE! (Acting Proud of Himself) (Joey walks to his desk. He tries to hang up his coat but it falls to the ground. He shrugs his shoulders. Goes to get coffee but the pots empty) Lumberg: (Enters the Office, Approaches Joey) Ahh...nice of you to join us this morning. Listen, I'm going to need those numbers for the IBS reports by noon. I'm also going to need the West Coast Sales Data compiled and collated by the end of the day. Chop, chop. Get to it. That would be great. Joey: I've got stinkin' PILES of them right here. I mean LOADS of 'em. (Lumberg begins to walk away, then comes back) Lumberg: And Joey...my projections are due next Monday. I'm going to need you to work late all this week and for a few hours on Saturday. You don't mind, do you? I didn't think so. (turns to Mr. Whipple who was eavedropping and squeezing Charmin.) Hello, Mr. Whipple. Mr. Whipple: Good Morning, Mr. Lumberg. Happy Birthday to you, sir! Lumberg: (Looking at Joey) Nice of someone to remember my very special day! Dwight: So much for your Smooth Moves. Looks like making partner is going to take you longer than you thought. (Walks out of office) Joey: (Sarcastically)Thanks for the heads up Dottie. You've got the ememies part of FRENEMIES down pat. Dottie: Call of Duty Toilet Paper Comany. I am going to leave you hanging but our paper won't. Oh yes, which salesperson was helping you? Alonso, Berry, Figgins, Herguth, Iffland, Lumberg, Marino, Mergens, Milller, Rutkowski, Wilcox or Zima? Ok, I'll put you through to Lumberg, (looks sarcastically at Joey) Just so you know, It's his birthday today be sure to give him a nice birthday wish. (Slatkey is approaching and addresses Joey) Slatkey: Hello you wild and crazy party rockin' dude. I have many question for you. Joey: Slatkey, I don't have time for this. Slatkey: Joey, I only going ask you one more time. When you be coming with me down de the disco? We have party good time, schmooze de chicks and get down with our bad selves to de disco beat. I say Play that Funky Music White Boys. Joey: Now is not a good time. Slatkey: Whatever dude. This will be being your loss. I will have to manage chicks all by self. It is hard job but someone need to do it. Might as well be me. (Dwight Returns) Joey: What do you want now, Dwight? Dwight: I would like to marry a Romulan. But until intergalactic space travel is perfected, I'll just settle for you completing these IBS reprts by the end of the day. (Drops a stack of reprts onto Joey's Desk) Joey: Come on Dwight. I'm already backed up with the reports for Lumberg. Dwight: Too bad. Besides, they are easy to finish. Even a bear could do it. (The Bear picks up his head.) Mimi enters, All gussied up, very bright and colorful with a very painted face. Mimi: (To Joey). There's something different about you today. Back on the prune Juice? Joey: Hey Mimi, can you give me a hand with these BM charts? Mimi: You don't need any help. You're already on a roll. Joey: Hey, Mr. Whipple, aren't you on quality control this month? Mr. Whipple: Does a bear poop in the woods? (The bear grabs a newspaper and a coffee cup and gets up and walks off) Lumburg: Um yeah, Mr. Whipple, we are going to need to move your desk and your stool into the John....that way it will be easier for you to do exit polling....yeah... (Oswald enters office) Oswald: Hey Joey, How's Monday Treating You? Joey: Let's see, I woke up late. Car got towed. Got hit by a bus on the way to the train. Missed the train. Still haven't found my cat (Meow Sound Effect). It was raining but no problema, I had my broken umbrella. When I finally made it to work, forgot the boss' birthday. It seems that I'm stuck here in the DUMP until Saturday. To top it off, when I tell Megan about Sandals, she's going to kill me. (Pulls Oswald Close) I hate this place! SONG: “Quit Fired” Adaped from "That's Life" Oswald: Whoa...somebody's feelin' a little irregular. Don't have time to rescue you now, I have tons of deliveries to make and I'm still tryin' to figure out what Brown can do for me. Office Dance: Whirlwind Dance Agian Joey: That's it! STOPPP! I’m a Writer, I WRITE! AND NOW I QUIT! Lumberg: No, Joey, you're fired! And don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. Joey: Whatever! Quit, Fired, quitfired – put that in your dictionary! (Dottie grabs whatever Joey is holding, Dwight brings box full of Joey's stuff. Dwight hand Joey the box. Lumberg grabs coat and puts on over Joey's shoulder. Joey starts walking off front of stage. Stop at second step and sits down.) Transition 2: (Sound effect of text message on his phone) Joey looks at phone and it's Megan. Conversation takes place via text. She ends up dumping him for Lumberg. (you see conversation take place on the TV screen) Joey: Hey, You Around? Megan: Wait Joey you always text at the wrong time. Joey: I just got a notification you changed your relationship status to single on face book. Megan: One More Sec Joey: Hello? (Ding, Ding ‐ Mobile Upload) Joey: I just got this mobile upload It's labled "Fun at Lunch with Lummy Yummy!"??? And There is a picture of you and LUMBERG!!!!!!!!!!! (Show Picture) Megan: Joey I'm busy at work whaddya want? Joey: It's about our vacation. Megan: Oh yeah, cancel it! Did you know Phil Collins broke up with his wife via fax? Wow, Technology really has advanced. Joey: What are U trying to say? Megan: I'm saying I hope you get your deposit back. It's been a slice Joey but I just got the whole cake. Joey: I knew there was a reason you bought nutrisystem. DING, DING, DING Megan: Lummy just told me he fired you. Have fun in Sandals, alone!!! (Joey throws his phone backward and picks up his box and walks down aisle) Act 1, Scene 2 Scene Description: Joey goes into the Urbus Orbus Coffee House. Characters Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Super Dawg (Barista ) ‐ Karen Marino Coffee Freak ‐ Brian Beck Molly Ringwald ‐ Jenny Maloney Emilio Esteves ‐ Rocky Daehler Charlie Sheen ‐ Bob Blum Ashton Kusher ‐ Tim Mauery Demi Moore ‐ Laurie Ortman Judd Nelson ‐ Jan Jakubik Nadine ‐ Rose Iffland Anthony Michael Hall ‐ George Tolczyk Belinda Carlisle ‐ Debbie Brown Bonnie Tyler ‐ Laura Daehler Susana Hoff ‐ Debbie Kelly Debbie Gibson ‐ Jola Tolczk Susan Vega ‐ Susan Shelby Potsie ‐ Steve LaTrielle Joanie ‐ Caren Edsey Richie ‐ Jim Morici Ralph ‐ Mike Paluch Mr. Hand ‐ Dave Figgins Sean Penn ‐ John Podolski Brad ‐ Scott Miller Damone ‐ Ed Berry Lights Up Joey walks in the coffee house and reads the bulletin board flyer about Project Green Light. He takes an application then walks up to the barista to place his order. Joey: Can I get a cup of Coffee? Super Dawg: Do you want a tripple Grande soy Latte, sugar free vanilla, non‐fat, easy caramel, extra froth, caramel macchiato. Joey: No, just a plain cup of coffee. Super Dawg: Coffee, Oh what kind coffee: You want to make that a 13 shot venti, soy, hazelnut, vanilla, cinnamon, white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel for only $13.76? Joey: Hey you look familiar..... Super Dawg: Yes, I was on 16 Candles, now I work here because I can't get any parts. There is not a huge demand for a Super Dog. Coffee Freak: (nervous, caffeine high) Hey, pick a drink, I want my coffee! Joey: Oh, forget the coffee. I'll have a quiche. The show is only 2 hrs. Super Dawg: Keys? No way! I need my keys for Grandpa's automobile. Joey: You don't drive it. You eat it. Anyway, do you have WiFi here? Super Dawg: (Reaches up to give a high five) High Five? (Crowd becomes belligerent) Nadine: Simma don na, everybody. Simma don na. (Joey goes to a table looking annoyed. he sits down and begins to fill out the Project Green Light Application) Molly : Ever since we did those John Hughes Movies, I can't get a serious part. I'm worthless. Emilio: You have no room to complain. Ever since I taped those kids buns together with duct tape in the Breakfast Club, I keep getting called back to host Buns of Steel infomercials. Then I've got my loser brother, Charlie screaming, "Winning", all of the time. Charlie Sheen jumps on stage Charlie: Winning! That's right, I'm a winner. (Runs over to Ashton Kusher) I've had enough of you punk boy. Ashton : (Looking at Phone) I don't think so Charlie. According to Twitter, you're a loser. My 1 million followers to your 12. Demi: As of now, you're down to 999,999 followers. I'm un‐following you on twitter. And I just un friended you. And I changed my facebook status to single and thanks to you, I can't drink red bull. Judd: Geez Demi, give the kid a break! You didn't honestly think your high profile marriage would last? Go get me a turkey pot pie! (to Nadine) will you be serving my milk that I ordered fifteen minutes ago? (to Demi) I will not be made a fool of. (Turns around, shows toilet paper hanging from pants) Mess with the bull, you get the horns! Nadine: Anthony: Nadine: Belinda Carlisle: Judd, you need to just simma don na. simma son na Judd. (Back has been to audience. Turns around to reveal head gear) The only gig I have gotten is being the poster boy for Sisto Orthodontics. People, simma don na, simma don. We have a few poets from yesterday. Here they are: Can you hear us....they're talking about us.... telling lies...that's no surprise (Snapping) Bonnie Tyler: Once Upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart, nothing stays the same, a total eclipse of the heart. (Snapping) Susana Hoff: Just another Manic Monday...Wish it was Sunday..that's my fun day, I don't have to run day. (Snapping) Debbie Gibson: Now, only in my dreams, as real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams. (Snapping) Susan Vega: My name is Luca...I live on the second floor. I live upstairs from you. I guess you've seen me before. (Snapping) Nadine turns around and gives Joey his quiche. Nadine: Your coffee is ready. What are you doing there? Joey: I got dumped and fired. Nadine: That's awful but every writer needs something to write about. (She spills coffee on Joey) Joey: Now this. Well they say things come in threes. What the heck could go wrong now? I saw this application about making a movie. I'm going to try something I've always wanted to do. Nadine: OOOOee honey. You came to the right place. Look over there. Those are all of the Breakfast Club people. And there's the Happy Days crew. Over there, you have the Fast Times at Ridgemont high cast. This is the coffee shop of broken dreams Joey: Did you say the coffee shop of broken dreams? (Joey Shakes off sheet starts looking at it goes off to dream sequence) DREAM NOISE DANCE: Zuit Suit Riot Nadine: No honey. This is the Insanity Coffee House where are coffee is Insanely good. Joey leaves Coffee Shop. Spotlight moves from table to table to highlight the character speaking. Potsie: Joanie, I don't get it what's a dren? Joanie: It's nerd spelled backwards Potsie and it suits you. Richie: Hey Malph that makes you a krej, right? Ralph: Yeh, that's about as funny as a screen door in a submarine, Richie. Spot Light Changes Mr. Hand: So boys, what are we doing here? Sean Penn: We're ordering pizza, Dude. Mr. Hand: You better have enough for everybody. (gestures to the audience) Brad: (To Damone) I heard you talking about a five point plan for dating. what is it? Damone: (As he's standing next to a life size Debbie Harry cutout) First of all you never let on how much you like a girl. Oh, Cathy, hi. Second, you always call the shots. Kiss me, you won't regret it. Third, act like wherever you are that's the place to be. Isn't this great? Fourth, when ordering food, find out what she wants and then order for the both of you, that's a classy move. The lady will have the linquine with white clam sauce and a coke with no ice. Fifth, and this is the most important, whenever possible put on side one of Led Zepplin IV. Band plays a little Led Zepplin IV Joey same clothes. Voice Over: "3 Days Later" (Ala Sponge Bob Square Pants) Nadine in different Clothes Nadine: You've got to be kidding me you're still hear, you've been working so hard on that application. Maybe you'll win! Joey: (Joey rustles his hair in frustration) I have been working on this script for 5 days now, Maybe I'll win! Who am I kidding (crumples up script and throws it into the waste basket. Starts to walk out of shop) In the words of Donnie Brasko, "Forget About it!" Time to make like a tree and leave. Nadine: (Following Joey) Simma don na honey. Come back. (She walks bak to the crumpled script and begins reading) OOOeee, (pause) OOOee. (she flatens out the script and drops it into the contest box) Light Out Curtain Closed Song: “ Broken Dreams” Adapted from "Brandy" by Looking Glass Transition 3: Papa: (Yells) Rosa Lee ‐ Starta the Watta. Act 1, Scene 3 Scene Description: Inside Joey's parents house for Sunday Dinner Characters Nonie ‐ Sally Mauery Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Aunti Cici ‐ Cindy Davenport Tony (Joey's Brother) ‐ Jorge Alonso Cousin Vinnie ‐ Mick Bradford Papa ‐ Mike Paluch Marie (Joey's Sister) ‐ Sarah LaTrielle Mamma Rose ‐ Karen Finn Paulie Walnuts (Family Friends) ‐ Tony Rutko Frank (Joey's Father) ‐ Chrissy Hickey Angie (Sister) ‐ Teresa Lippert Lights Up Joey walks into room and yells Joey: Hey Everyone, the prodigal son has returned. Tony: What got into you, did you eat your Wheaties or something? Joey: Come here, Pops. Let me give you a big old bear hug. How You Feelin? (Grandpa comes shuffling over, Artie Johnson style, gets a big squeeze from Joey and passes gas) Papa: I feela good now. Mamma Rose: Oh Papa, please. My boy, my sweet boy, I've a got your favorite! Come over here and sit down. Frank: OK, can we eat now that Mr. Sunshine has showed up. I'm starvin' over here! Ma, Nonie. Can you say grace please? Nonie: Huh, Grace? Grace has been gone for 15 years. Mama Rose: Ma, the Blessing! Nonie: (Looks at everyone, bends her head down and begins) I‐a pledge‐a allegiance, to‐a the flag‐a, of ‐a the.... Aunti Cici: Oh, enough, every Sunday. Grace, there, I said it. Eat! Joey: Ma, Pa, you guys, I've got something to tell you. I quit my job. Cousin Vinnie: Mamma Rose : Frank: Joey: Maria: Angie: Joey: Aunti Cici: Mamma Rose: Cousin Vinnie: Paulie Walnuts: Papa: Paulie: Mama Rose: Paulie: Joey: I called you at work today and Dottie said you got fired. Fired, Oh my God (Makes sign of the Cross), who would fire my Joey? What did Megan Say? I have my wooden spoons right here! Yea, where is she, she don't like us no more? No, I broke up with her today. I was with her getting my hair did and she said she dumped you! Hair did, Nails did Whatever. That's alright, honey we didn't like her anyway. You should find yourself a good Italian Girl. Ok, everyone, Mangia, Mangia. The foods getting cold. I have good spaghetti and meatballs here. Is it true the Chinese invented Spaghetti: Now think about it. Why would people who eat with sticks invent something that you eat with a fork? Like the time I took the ferry over to Lipari. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Malfa, which is what they called Lipari in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn't have a white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big purple ones. so I got on the ferry.... (Interrupting Papa, talking to Joey) So, which is it, fired, quit, broke up, got dumped? Hey, are those your bags out back? My poor baby, here, eat more, you'll feel better. You know , we think it's time you joined the Family Business. I got room for you on one of my trucks. I mean, who works for a company called Call of Duty Toilet Paper, anyways? (Making fun of Dottie) "Where your Duty is our Duty" (All the family laughs) Phone Rings Frank: Tony: Joey: Maria: Joey: Aunti Cici: Joey: Papa: Nonie: Joey: Maria: Vinnie: Don't answer it, it's time to eat. I don't like my dinner interrupted. It gives me Agida! I'm expecting a call from Rocco Bags.. ya know....Rocco Bagadonuts. Hey, ya, ya, yo...hold on. Joey, it's for you. Some guy from Project Greenlight? What's that? You lookin' to start a recycling business? I can do that with you. Gimme that phone. (Grabs phone) What...Ah....What....Really... Yep....Great. Thank You. Who calls on a Sunday? What could be so important? OK, I filled out an application and I threw it away. I crumbled it up. Whadday talking about? Hey, Vinnie, get me another meatball. I gotta hear this. So I filled out an application for a Screenplay and I won. I don't know how but I won. Won, oh I remember when we won World War One, we're talking about WWI, right? I won $200 at bingo. I'm gonna make a movie. Can I be in it? I wanna be a star. I got some guys down at the Union Hall, they can give you a hand, if you know what I mean. SONG: “ Big Break” Adapted from “That's Amore”/Man's Dance Aunti Cici: You're gonna need a makeup department. You know that's my forte. Paulie: Ah, Knock it off, Cici. You just use that makeup to cover up the dark bags under your eyes. Mama Rose: Frank: Joey: Nonie: Oh, Joey, I'ma so proud of you! Whatever you need. I'll cook, that's it, you need to keep eating. We spend 20 grand to send you to College and you're gonna give it all up? For what? So you can go to Hollywood? Get you head outta your fancy ascot! No, Dad, it was $2500 dollars and it was Central Northwestern Community College, South Campus. (Stands up at he table and reveals her college shirt) Good Ole Central Norhtwestern, The Fighting Cosa Nostras!! (Nonie starts to put a cures, evil eye) Joey: Nonie, stop! No mallyukes on anyone, please! Lights Dim. Joey walks up to the front of the stage. Family is very animated but quiet. Curtain Closes Joey: Oh, mar done, I gotta give every single one of them a job on this movie? Lights Out Transition 4: Coffee House Song/Songs Act 1, Scene 4 Scene Description: Project Green Light producers put together the rest of Joey's production team. Characters Tori Spelling ‐ Margie Figgins Ari ‐ Tim Mauery Tori's Assistant ‐ Chantel Hubbel Lorna (Ari's assistant) ‐ Sally Petterson Pee Wee Herman ‐ Mike Paluch Matt Damon ‐ Rocky Daehler Cousin Vinnie ‐ Mick Bradford Ben Affleck ‐ Jake Crampton Grace ‐ Sally Mauery Lights Up Ari is walking up to the stage. Pauses on the side. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon go to Ari's office. Spotlight on Ari. Ari: Joey? How's it going man? Listen, I'm going to be your power agent. So, here's how it's gonna go. I'm going to introduce you to your producers, Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher. Lorna: Charlie Sheen? Ashton Kutcher? Ari, you didn't tell me about these guys. Ari: (Laughs to himself, Looks at Lorna) Just kidding toots. (Puts phone up to ear to talk to Joey) This script is hotter than Kardashian/Humphries divorce. (does a sizzle noise and touched burrocks). You've got all of Hollywood fighting over it. We've got Project Green Light HERE. (Talking to Lorna) Go get 'em. Lorna: (Nervously) Ok Ari, right away sir. DANCE: TELEPHONE Ari has a conference phone on middle of desk. Ben and Matt walk into office. Ari: (Talking to phone) Joey, meet Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Your Mentors. Matt: Congratulations on being a Project Green Light winner! As you know, Project Green Light is a challenge.... Ben: Really, dude? You won. You might be as good as Matt (clears throat) but not as good as me. Joey is on the phone ( not is scene ‐ could be taped) Joey: That all sounds great guys, but um, can you tell me how exactly you got my application? Ben: I don't know what you mean. You submitted you script. Joey: No I didn't. Ben: Then you must have a guardian angel. Matt: We've called today not only to congratulate you on this fine achievement but to also introduce you to the director. Ben: Dude, we got SPELLING! Ari: Spelling? How did you get Spelling? I keep calling that guy and he never returns my calls! Matt: AAAhh, Ari, Aaron Spelling is no longer available. If you know what I mean. We've got the next best thing, Tori Spelling Joey: Ooohh, OK. That's uh, great guys, but I was kinda hoping I could have my college theater professor help me with the directing. Maybe you've heard of him, Larry David, you know the creator of Seinfeld. Ben: Fine, you can have Larry David. We'll get rid of Tori. Matt, get rid of Tori. Matt: Ben, why don't we have them work together? Don't offend Tori. Tori enters the room with her assistant Tori: Like, Hi guys! (bubbly) Ari: Uh, sweetie, we're having a big boy meeting. Lorna, show this young lady to the coffee room. (Motioning to all the guys) Thirsty? Lorna: Ah, yeah, OK Ari, whatever you say. Right away sir. Tori: No, I'm not thirsty, I'm Tori. We are like going to have so much fun. I have so many connections. We're not going to have any problems Tori's Assistant: Tori: Tori's Assistant: Tori: Joey: finding actors. I see every leading actor in Hollywood everyday at my plastic surgeon, Dr. Troy's office. Ms. Spelling, here's the cucumbers for your eyes. You mean cucumbers for my salad. No, Ms. Spelling, the doctor said you should use the cucumbers at least 3 times a day. (Fake Laughs) AAAhhh, silly assistant. Remind me to fire you later. (Looks at her watch) You're FIRED! OK, where were we? You know, I'd really like to have my Aunt Cici do the makeup. She works at the Spinoli Funeral Home and her work is EXQUISITE. Aunt Cici grabs the phone from Joey Aunt Cici (To Joey) Let me talk to them! Hi dolls, what's up? I'm the best in the business. None of my morts ever complain. I know exactly how to bring'em to life. a little extra rosy on the cheeks, passion red on the lips and plenty of blue on the eyelids. Tori: Great idea, Joey. Joey: Give me the phone back! OK, moving right along, for dolly grip, I sent my friend from the old neighborhood. We have been friends since we were yooots and when I think of dollies... I think of HERMAN! Herman: (Pee Wee comes riding in on a red bicycle with a doll under each arm) Huh, Huh, Hi guys, Uh, I brought my best dollies with me today. Say Hello ladies. Tori: Hello Ladies! Welcome to the show, I'm sure we'll soon be like total besties. Joey: Next, for stunt coordinator, I sent my cousin, Vinnie! Vinnie, are you there? Vinnie: (He comes running through the door and hits his head on the door as it's closing) Oops, I am a little wound up. I thought I heard the 5 ‐ 0. That's why I'm so good with the stunts. I've learned a lot while running from those guys. Ari: Ben: Grace: Ben: Grace: Ari: Grace: Ari: (Shaking his head) Soo, we've got Auntie Cupcake, the freak on the bike and your delinquent cousin Vinnie. I got the rest. Unless you already have plans to ask Miss Twinkle Toes to run choreography, let's see if Grace got a hold of Paula Abdul. GRACE! OK Mr. Affleck. I called the geeks, the jocks, the nerds, the dweebs, and the hoods before I got the number for Paula Abdul. She wasn't making a whole lot of sense but I'm pretty sure that she said she can't do it. Mmm, hmm, well then what about Janet Jackson? Oooohh, Well, I put in a call to my friend Ferris Buehler, he's a righteous dude. He is going to talk to Janet for me. He'll get back to us as soon as he can. I'll keep calling my contacts. Soo, we need to keep working on the director of choreography. What else do we need guys? Good news Mr. Affleck and Mr. Damon, I have found someone for the director of choreography position, Armand. He has a very talented assistant too, Agador Spartacus. They worked on that movie Bird Cage together. Great, now we're rolling. Alrighty then, see you guys later. Talk to you later Joey. We'll do lunch. Let's get out of here. SONG: “Project Greenlight: Adapted from MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS Lights Out Curtain Closes Transition between 1.4 & 1.5 Lights up. Curtain open in the middle. Agents 1, 2 & 3 sitting on stage with their backs to the audience. Casting Agent: Casting Today for the roles of Andy and Trish. (motions to first person) C'mon we don't have all day. Jonah Hill: My name is Jonah Hill and I'll be reciting Shakespeare. Fore score..yeah that's all I know CA: You're un‐prepared. Jonah Hill: Yeah, but is was good, right? CA: Security!! NEEXT!!! Card Board Guy: (Dances to "I Dream of Genie" song, Genie outfit on cardboard) CA: Thank You, NEEEXT!!! Woman Singer: (Sings Song) CA: This ain't a musical. NEXT!!!! Card Board Guy: I'm going to Jersey Shore!! Get Crazy. Everybody thinks I'm crazy (bikini on cardboard, T‐shirt with 6‐pack on other side) CA: NEEXT!! Man/Woman Singer: (Sings Song) CA: NEXT!!!! Card Board Guy: (sings Cranberry Ditty) CA: Just get off the stage. Go Home!! Lights Out Act 1 Scene 5 Scene Description: Production team discusses their vision for screenplay at Armand's House. Characters Kourtney Kardashian ‐ Grace Beck Agador Spartacus ‐ Melissa Nelson Khloe Kardashian ‐ Sue Herguth Larry David ‐ Ron Elmgren Gary Bussey ‐ Jim Wilcox Lindsey Lohan ‐ Rose Iffland Nick Nolte ‐ Greg Lewis Kim Kardashian ‐ Christine Murray Dude ‐ Kevin Hubbel Paris ‐ Kari Rutkowski Ari ‐ Tim Mauery Tori ‐ Margie Figgins People arriving at house. Lights Up DING DONG Agador: Welcome, welcome I am Agador Spartacus, the Goldman's butler. I'm so glad I got a few hours notice to spruce (thprueth) up this (thith) place (playth). Larry: Yeah, thanks for moving the party to you place. Very L.A. Do you believe we've had ANOTHER storm of the century? My house is the only house that lost power on the whole block. The Com‐Ed WORKING STIFF keeps apologizing for any inconvenience this might have caused in that beautiful robotic voice. I think she talks like that to everybody. (Larry looks frustrated) Song: Band plays Jaws Music Agador: Come in. Come in. Leave your choose at the door. Would you like some coffee? Mr. Albert is in de tube. Larry: Tastes Like sludge. Agador: Yes (Jayce). I made sludge. I thought (taught) I make nice change from coffee. Larry: Why aren't you wearing any shoes? Agador: I do not wear the shoes..because... they make me fall down. Tori comes running up to the door carrying her Abercrombie and Stitch plastic surgery shopping bag. Tori: I brought some goodies for the script read through? Doorbell rings. Agador: OMG, Oh my goss, Oh my goss, It's Lilo and Paris. I jus love ju. Lindsey: Hey cabana boy, got any water bottles around here? Paris: Lindsey, be nice to the help. Could you please get me a frothy drink because it's sooo hot. Por Favore Agador goes to get the drinks Dude: (Wearing a robe, brings the water for Lindsey) The Dude abides. Lindsey: Aah, thanks. (she pours water over ankle braclet to short out) I can't have have any fun with this thing. It's such a drag! Agador: Ms. (Mees) Paris, your Frothy drink, I chopped the fruit myself? In walk the Kardashians Paris: Who invited the Kardashians? Weren't they in last year's show? Kim: Unlike you, I'm an 'A' lister. I'm invited to every party in Hollywood. Kourtney: Watch it jailbirds. Aren't you two still on probation? Khloe: I've got the number one show right not. How's the Simple Life working out for you? Paris: Your should know. Agador: Oh Ms. (mees) Paris, You soo hot! How you were a the shoes (chose)? Lindsey: They are real Jimmy Chu's. She's Paris Hilton and she has 43 pairs. Gary Bussey and Nick Nolte come walking in. Gary: Nick, your agent said this movie is your last chance. You can't blow this man. Just be cool. Collected, Ovelry Enthusiastic, Oriented but Loose Nick: I know, I know. Man it's a good thing thay don't have a cover or I wouldn't be able to get in. Gary: Yeah, man, Money is tight. Taking, Insightful, Growth, Higher, Today. Gary and Nick walk up to Larry and Tori Nick: Larry, good to see you man. How's it going? Did you catch me in Tropic Thunder? Got any parts for me and Gary? Larry: NOLTE! BUSSEY! I'll see what I can do for you, I don't know about Buddy Holly over there. Gary: Buddy Holly? That was thirty years ago and I nailed that part. People Always Remember That. (slyly removes Buddy Holly glasses from back pocket and sports them) Ari comes walking up the aisle into the party and everyone comes up to him as he reaches the stage. Ari: (Talking non‐stop on his phone) I know, I'll get that to you. I know, I know. Lorna, just do it right now! (I have another call, clicks over) Joey, how's it going babe? I can't talk now, OK two minutes. Voiceover: 13 Hours Later (ala Sponge Bob) Armand is lying on the chair passed out. Ari is leaving the party with someone. (60's music) Agador: Oh no, oh no. come back Mr. (meester) Ari, You (ju) forgot to...oh well I guess I take care of it. (yells) OK everyone, don't forget to sign up for casting tomorrow. Just write your name on the sheet here. Bunch of extras come out to sign up for casting. Lights Out Curtain Close CLOSER ‐ “Makin A Movie” Adapted from “Sir Duke” OPENER Act II "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray Act 2, Scene 1 Scene Description: Start with Dark Stage. Mama Rose coming across to Joey, who is standing talking on the phone. She has two women in tow and a big brown shopping bag. During the scene, Prop Guys can make a few words, groans (no lines) Characters Michelle Bachman ‐ Sally Mauery Mama Rose ‐ Karen Finn Kelly Osbourne ‐ Kari Rutkowski Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Kate Perry ‐ Sarah Marcucci Maxine Shoebox ‐ Lisa Mergens Linda Carter ‐ Margie Figgins Trixie ‐ Teresa Vox Dionne Warwick ‐ Chaffon Harris Sally Fieldsgood (C D Assis) ‐ Donna Donovan Crystal Ball ‐ Erin Paluch Freddie Benson ‐ Chris Hickey Shannen Doherty ‐ Wendy Burgess Annoying Fred ‐ Ed Berry Jennifer Hewit ‐ Christine Murray Right Said Fred ‐ David Stapleton 2 ghost guys(no lines) ‐ Doug/Jan Dim Stage Mama Rose: Joey, here, I brought you lunch. You remember my friends Maxine and Trixie from the beauty parlor? Joey: Oh, sure, good afternoon Ladies. That's for me, Ma? Mama Rose: Yes, it is. I wanted to show the ladies where you work. Maybe you could find something for them to do on the movie? Joey: Ahh, Ma! I don't know. Come with me, let me show you my office. (under his breath) Maybe there’s something you can find something to clean. Mama and Joey walk off the stage, leaving Maxine and Trixie. Casting Director Assistant comes running on stage Sally: Do either of you know who the cast director is? No one knows who or where she is. Maxine and Trixie share a mischievous glance Maxine: (To Trixie) Opportunity is knocking. I'm opening the door! See you around Trix. (To Sally) That would be me. I'm in charge of casting around here. Where's my office. Trixie: Now all you need is someone to yell Action. Trixie and Maxine laugh. Trixie Exits. Sally: I'm Sally Fieldsgood, your assistant. You’re gonna like me, you’re gonna really, really like me! Maxine: I'm serious here, sweetie, I need a chair. Every time I sit, there better be a chair under me Sally: (screams) CHAIR! Maxine: I try not to let my old age get me down, it’s too hard to get back up. Two stage hands form a human chair for Maxine to sit on. Maxine: A little cush for my tush. Kind of lumpy. Let's move it, I’m not getting any younger. Sally: First up, everyone who's auditioning for the part of Fred, please come on stage. Freddie Benson: I play Freddie Benson on iCarly. Maybe you know me better by this: "in 5, 4, 3... (with hand motion)" Annoying Fred: I'm here? What are you doing here? They want Fred, not Freddie. Hey, are there cabbages here? I like cabbages, as long as they aren't falling out of the sky. (runs around shaking his hands and head back and forth) Where's my noodle pool? I need to go find my noodle pool. (runs off stage) Spot light on the aisle, Right Said Fred guy comes dancing down the aisle singing "I'm Too Sexy" Maxine gets up and starts to dance. Right Said Fred: (Singing) I'm too sexy for this movie, too sexy for this movie, but I am sexy as Fred! Annoying Fred: (Comes back on stage) Hey, what are you doing then? If you think you're too sexy, just leave, we've already got two Freds. Just leave, Just go Right Said Fred! Freddie Benson: If you ask me, you are both annoying. Right Said Fred: When you were in your diapers. I was strutting my stuff on the catwalk. Maxine: Michelle Bachman: Kelly Osbourne: Least of the three annoying, we'll get back to you. NEXT! CHAIR! (Singing)The hills are alive with the sound of money. I’m here to perform, this Can only help my campaign in 2024. Oh stop hollering. You’re a bruetal mess the red suit and hair poof screams Sara Palin which is not a good look when you’re trying to win voters, Ms. Bachman. My only suggestion is go home, stick your head in the toilet and flush. Michelle Bachman: (sining)Super Calla Fragalistic expialidocious, I’m often viewed as rude obscene and also quite percosious. To my fellow tea party and people of the nation, I can score this Hollywood role , It worked for Ronny Reagan. DANCE: Wild Child 'Iggy Pop" Maxine: OK! Reminds me, I need a inspect my inner plumbing. Get me my flomax! Sally: Let's move on. Wonder Woman. Katy Perry: I'm the new version of Wonder Woman. I have Girl Power and I use Pro Active! Lynda Carter: It's Wonder Woman, not wonder girl. Recognize a woman for her accomplishments, not her hair color. Trixie: (Holding a baby doll, bag of groceries and plumbers wrench) Here's a Wonder Woman for ya! Me. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget that I can, cause I'm Wonder Woman. W‐O‐ M‐A‐N (Maxine does the bump with Trixie and knocks her down) Maxine: Thanks, gals. We'll let ya know. Trixie, not to worry, you're in. Moving on. CHAIR! Sally: Casting next, the part of the psychics and who better to introduce our candidates, the Queen of the Psychic Friends Hotline, Dionne Warwick! Dionne: Will I ever love this way again? I don't know but I'll keep holding on until I get to $748.00, then I'll have to hang up. It's Crystal Ball! Crystal: I'll walk on by as I deliver this burger and fries. Maxine: Dionne: Maxine: Shannen Doherty: Maxine: Jennifer Hewitt: Hey, that's my dinner, honey. Don't let the bag sag or I'll say a little prayer for ya! (channeling) I can feel something,,,someone's coming closer, coming closer,,,I'm seeing the WB. She played Pru on Charmed, Shannen Doherty Oh, does Pru stand for Pruin? No it stands for Prudence, you old bat! Oh, Charmed, I'm sure. NEXT! (With two ghosts following) Hello, I'd like to read for the part of the psychic. (Turns to guys behind her) Wait, I'm busy! Ghosts start waving at her to get attention Maxine: (Whispering) Whenever you're ready. Jennifer: Pardon me, I couldn't hear you. Maxine: (Whispering) Go ahead. Jennifer: Why are you talking so quietly? Maxine: (Loudly) Cuz you're the Ghost Whisperer. Sally: This is not going well. Will anyone else come forward? Anyone else you "See" Ms. Warwick? Dionne: (Channeling) No one else is coming. It's me and these gals and I can already predict the outcome. (Surprised) Oooh, it's me. (turns to Sally) And they like me, they really like me too! Maxine: Let's wrap it up people, cause I have got places to go. Halmark's calling, they need more tag lines. SONG: “Cast This Scene” Adapted from "Got a Dream" by Tangled Transition: Keano Reeves School of Fine Arts (Tony Rutkowski, Mick Bradford, Greg Lewis and Jim Wilcox) (Pauly and Vinnie sitting in the classroom side by side waiting impatiently) Pauly: Did you bring any grapes? Vinnie: Why would I bring grapes? Ma only packed cannolis! Pauly: 'Cause we've been waitin' on this guys for 13 minutes! Vinnie: Ka‐No Reeves is one of the best actors of our time! Pauly: Shut up Vinnie! Vinnie: Exibit A the Matrix. The guy doesn't even say anything he just kills you with his eyes! Exibit B, The one where he sprouts wings out his back. There is no way you can teach those moves. Acting Coach: I am Bill S. Preston Esquire (with pose) and this is my friend Ted Theodore Logan (with pose). And we are Wild Stallion School of Acting (air guitar with noise). Curtain Closes Act 2, Scene 2 ‐ The Rehearsal Scene Description: They are rehearsing at studio. Characters Kelly Osbourne ‐ Kari Rutkowski Larry David ‐ Ron Elmgren Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman‐Dave Figgins Tori Spelling ‐ Margie Figgins Shannen Doherty ‐ Wendy Burgess Kiefer Sutherland ‐ Andy Wajda Demi Lovato ‐ Cheryl Matti Lindsey Lohan ‐ Rose Iffland Eve Plum ‐ Nancy Erskine David Hasselhoff ‐ Lou Thomas Aunt Cici ‐ Cindy Davenport Austin Powers ‐ Andy Finn Lights on Actors and Actresses are milling around the green room waiting to go on stage for their rehearsal. Tori: Before we get into the actual rehearsal. We need you guys to get into character. Work with me people. First do the downward dog position. All of the characters do the downward dog position. Larry: Wait, wait just a minute. Where is Lindsey Lohan? Where is that girl? Please don’t tell me I have to write her another letter. Where's my secretary, get my poison pen. Keifer: Ok. I’m letting you know right now that there is absolutely no way I’m getting into that yoga position. Jack Bauer doesn’t do down dog. Larry: And …..Action. Eve: (in a monotone voice) Marcia, Marcia, Marcia Larry: Eve, don’t say, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”. Give me some emotion say, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” like that. With more meaning, I don’t understand, why you won’t you give me more emotion? Do you hear the difference there? Eve: Actually, Larry, I think you said it the same way both times. Larry: I told you we should have hired Maureen McCormick. Tori: Action! Ok, Kelly come on…. Kelly comes in. Tori: Wait, you need brighter lipstick. Make‐up, come in here. Kelly needs redder lips! Kelly Osborne: Oh No, Honey! That color clashed with my outfit. Use my lipstick, wicked red. As Aunt Cici, the make‐up artist enters and fixes the make‐up, on the side of the stage Shannen and Demi are arguing. Tori: Well, that’s better. Honey, you really need some collagen in those things. Shannen: (to Demi Lovato) What are you doing here Demi Lovato? We don’t need the understudies here yet. Demi: I’m not the understudy. You are Shannen Doherty. Tori: Girls, please stop fighting. We haven’t decided yet. One of you will be the lead and the other will be the understudy. Larry: So, Shannen show us your best Brenda Walsh scene. Shannon: Forget you Larry, I’m so over Brenda Walsh. I’ve moved out or 90210 and into 01234. I'm a Pheonix Now. Kelly comes back on stage. Her lips are now enormous! Kelly Osborne: Okay, Tori, I’m ready. Who is the bloke with the hideous outfit? Austin Powers: (Runs in and puts his arm around her. ) I'm Austin Powers baby, yeah, Oh behave! Larry: Ok so this is a show about nothing that has everything to do with something from your life. Everybody wants to do a show about nothing. I’ve already done a show about nothing and about your life. Tori: I thought the show was a coming of age story about cowboys and aliens. Larry: Really, that’s what you thought? Do you hear yourself? Cowboys and aliens together in the same show? Have you even read the script? Because it’s not working and if you haven’t read it yet, let’s rewrite it. Kiefer: Hasselhoff: Austin Powers: Ironman: Well if you are going to rewrite it, then make me the hero. I know how to be the hero. (comes running in dressed half as Knight Rider and half as a Baywatch lifeguard) Did somebody say hero. I should be the hero. I used to eat hero before I switched to cheese burgers...in the tub. Oh, Behave Baby. I really am the hero. I've saved the world on three separate occasions. No, I should be the hero. I was in Ironman 1 and 2. I’m invincible! (The heart thing that keeps him alive pops out of his chest and he flies backwards.) Back to the drawing board. Lindsey Lohan comes stumbling onto the stage wearing an ankle bracelet . She trips. David Hasselhoff catches her. Lindsey: Oh, David, you’re my hero. You saved my life! Hasselhoff: Did you hear that, I’m her hero. I should play the hero! I save lives. What have you done Jack Bauer, or Kiefer Northerland or whoever you are? You were great in MASH! Kiefer: It’s Sutherland and I wasn’t in MASH! That was my father! I was in two vampire movies. And I would have been in the twilight saga but they gave it to the guy with lip stick cause Jack Bower doesn't do lipstick. Larry: People, we need to rehearse this scene. We don’t have time to be changing everything around now. We are going with the script as it is. (man gladiator walks across the stage) Xena the Princess Warrior you're on Stage 3. Doesn't anybody just do their job! ACTION! SONG: “Actin Groove” Adapted from "Boogie Shoes" by KC and Sunshine Band Act II Scene 3 All directors get together to go over what they need and budget. Characters John Jackman (Dir. of Photography)‐Scott M Matt Damon ‐ Rocky Daehler Bo Jangles (locations director)‐Doug Massen
Ben Affleck ‐ Jake Crampton Actor 1 ‐ Chrissy Hickey Ari Gold ‐ Tim Mauery Actor 2 ‐ Mick Bradford
Kristin (casting director)‐Cindy Yesko Bo Jangles double ‐ Amy Zima Dr. Mark Sloan (set medic)‐Mike Paxhia Tank (Location Assistant) ‐ John Poldolski Mack McQue (grip/electric)‐Matt Thavis Mack McQue Double ‐ John McKitrick Maury Bawlstein (accountant)‐Mark Laurin John Jackman Double ‐ Mike Paluch LaRouche (Costumes)‐David Stapleton LaRouche Double ‐ Ron Elmgren Tori Spelling ‐ Margie Figgins Light Up Table in center stage. All seated around the table with their production binders. Ari and Accountant in center. Rolaids, Maalox, Turbo Lax, etc. Box of Toilet Paper in the room by the door. Matt: With time being of paramont proportions, I'd like to welcome you all to this meeting. Please be swift like me in you actions (karate moves). Introduce yourself name, rank, and serial number PLEASE! Ben: Matt, this is for Project Green Light. I don't appreciate you being so selfish and incorporating Bourne Identity into everything. If we could just get back to the Good Will instead of the Hunting. ArI; (breaking up there argument) Alright I'll start. I'm Ari Gold. Don't get in my way and I won't step on you face with my Prada shoes. (motions to girl next to her) Kristen: I'm Christin Kauffman casting director. John: John Jackman, DP. Everyone: What's a DP? John: A displaced Person, Ha, ha, ha (wierd laugh). Just Joshin', Director of Photography. Mack McQue: Mach McQue, Key Grip, electric specialist. (banter between John and Mack. ala "what makes you a specialist") Bo Jangles 1: I'm Bo, locations director. Kristin: What's your last name? I need to know for my production binder. It has to be complete. Bo 1: (under his breath) Jangles. Kristin: What? I couldn't hear you. Bo 1: (loudly) Jangles and NO I don't dance. I won't sing and I won't play a melody to make you feel alright. Accountant: Maury Bawlstein, accountant. LaRouche: I'm LaRoche, costumes and millinery. Dr. Mark Sloan: Mark Sloan but you can call me McSteamy. I'm the set medic. Ben: We'd like to welcome you all today. We like to check in with you from time to time to catch up in an effort to see where we stand in a budgetary setting and to keep an eye on our investment. After all it's all for charity. (to accountant) This is still tax deductable right? Matt: Kristen, let's start with you. Kristin: I need more money. I need at least 10K more for rehearsal and audition area with a waiting room. Light Down (Hear Adding Machine) (spot light comes on two actors stage left) Actor 1: (to actor 2 speaking quietly) The secret to optimal living is eating raw foods, proper evacuation and elimination as well as 8 hrs of rest for the aliens to come in and re‐charge your brain (hand motion over face). Light Up (Hear Adding Machine) Bo 1: We need 75k for location lock down, insurance and transpo. And an additional 24K for gennies and security. Light Down (Hear Adding Machine) (spot light comes on Bo and Assistant stage right) (Bo double and Assistant Looking up at wall) Tank (Assistant): Well maybe we can get the Biltmore estate. Bo 2: Try to lock it down. The Ferris Buehler house is still trying to clean up blood and ashes from the Hannibal Lector movie. Tank (Assistant): You lock it down. Bo 2: That's your job Tank. Light Up (Hear Adding Machine) Dr. Mark: We'll need 40k for cucumbers, ice packs, general compression chambers, and hyperbaric pressure booths for Dr. Troy's patients. Light Down (Hear Adding Machine) (spot light comes on Tori stage left in hyperbaric Chamber) Tori: (distressed voice) Help! Light Up (Hear Adding Machine) Mack McQue: We need at leat 4500 ft of cable and 50 additional feet of dolly track for the DP. John Jackman 1: 75 ft of dolly track, please. Light Down (Hear Adding Machine) (spot light comes on Jackman is standing McQue and Tank stage left) Jackman 2: (to Mack) I used to love playing with trains in college. Everyone said I had issues. Tank: Are you kidding me right now? Jackman 2: No Tank. I'm not kidding. I locked them up in a closet and I was removed in a strait jacket. McQue 2: Well on that note, Lunch! Jackman 2: Laughs (weird like above) Light Up (Hear Adding Machine) Larouche: I need 75k for pink gloves. (Everyone has a puzzled look) Light Down (Hear Adding Machine) (spot light comes on LaRouche Double stage right) LaRouche Double: (stuffed animals wearing pink gloves, sitting on pink blanket, everything pink) (singing) I'm so pretty, Oh so pretty. Light Up (Hear Adding Machine) Matt & Ben: Thank you all for your time. This meeting is adjourned. (everyone leaves) Maury Bawlstein: Gentlemen, you're roughly 9.7 million dollars over budget...with that, no location, impending SAG strike and the bird flu, I regret to inform you that this movie just might not happen. You two better get it together or you could be sued or worse! (packs up large books and adding machine and leaves) Ari: (to Ben and Matt) I will go nuclear. I'm talkin' straight up mushroom cloud. You've got to know, I've just opened my new offices. I just bought my wife a new Mercedes Benz to transport my two beautiful girls to private schools. My wife likes Chanel and the south of France, fellas. Ben: Matt, I am aggrieved. I have another baby on the way. I don't know if I can afford this. At this point the baby will be born before this movie even hits production. Matt: Your talking about babies being born. I have Jason Bourne. With Bourne Identy 12 ‐ Trail of Bread Crumbs in production we might have to abort this mission unless we get the government movie bailout money. Ari: Guys, don't make me call my wife. Ben: Ari, do you like apples? We need more money. How do you like those apples?! LIGHTS OUT DANCE – MONEY, THAT’S WHAT I Transition: Lumberg and Meagan fight about going to Acedemy Awards. Lumberg: (Talking) I saw your status on facebook Megan: (Talking) I don't wanna go stand on the red carpet like just some nobody and I need a new dress. I'm not going if you don't buy me a dress. (ding) Lumberg: Like my status says oscars or boxcars. (Text) P\m/ Hollywood or bust? (motions meatal sign stick out tongue) Meagan: (Speaking) Cmon' honey what does that even mean> (Texts) BTW.. (Speaks) you're so good lookin maybe maybe he'll forget how you fired him... come on..let's take a pic. (They pose for pic and she makes duck lips... he straightens up like an executive) Lumberg: (Speaks)You're so cute maybe he'll forget how ya dumped him Megan: (Texts) IDC (Speaks) I just wanna part, I was the reason he wrote that movie. I was his muse. I was the only good thing about him. Lumberg: (Nudges her) Pick up I’m skyping you (skype) "You're such a dork..." Megan: (Into her phone squeals) Hooray for Hollywood. I'll go! I love you Honey. Lumberg: (in monotone insincere laughter) I love you (short pause) coffee with cream and sugar. (They bicker walking off stage) Meagan: Were you ordering coffee? I'm not YOUR secretary. Act 2 Scene 4 Scene Description: Joey and his new girlfriend, Nadine. Both are leaving the Academy Awards. There are plenty of reporters and other award recipients. Characters Girl 4 ‐ Marla Buerk Perosn 1 ‐ Amy Breaux Girl 5 ‐ Sarah Marcucci Person 2 ‐ Siobhan Heffernan Orbit Girl ‐ Leann Berry Person 3 ‐ Amy Hogue Agador ‐ Melissa Nelson Person 4 ‐ Katie Wilcox Natalie Portman ‐ Linda Sivore Joey ‐ Jeff Cardella Joe Pesci ‐ Dave Figgins Nadine ‐ Rose Iffland Super Dawg ‐ Karen Marino Cher ‐ Chrissy Hickey Tori Spelling ‐ Margie Figgins Chas Bono ‐ Chris Hickey Larry David ‐ Ron Elmgren Ryan Seacrest ‐ Kevin Nash Security ‐ Mick Bradford Dr. Troy ‐ Kevin Tallman Lumberg ‐ Scott Miller Meagan ‐ Amy Zima Scene opens in front of curtain with Joey walking down the street and receiving accolades from people on the street. Person 1: Hey, aren't you Joey D'Agostino from project Green Light. Joey: That's me (smiling and confident) Person 2: Hey Joey! Person 4: Everybody in the old neighborhood is rooting for ya! Joey: Thanks, Man! Person 3: Hey Joey, great to see ya Joey: Hey random person on the street. It's great to be seen. (Girls 4 & 5 talking to each other) Girl4: Isn't that the guy that won project green light? Girl5: Yeah, I think so. He's cute. Girl4: In coming. (Joey runs into Nadine. Joey focuses on Nadine. No one else matters. People freeze) Nadine: Heeeeey, what are you doing around here Mr. Hollywood? Joey: Actually I was looking for you. (Meagan walks up from behind place hands over Joeys eyes) Meagan: Guess Who? (Joey breaks free. Meagan realizes Joey is talking to Nadine) Hi Joey, I"ve been looking all over for you. I'm sorry about that other stuff that happened but Meagan's here. Joey: I wish you no ill will Meagan but if you don't mind I need to talk to Nadine in private. (Meagan storms off mad) Orbit Lady: Dirty Mouth...Clean it up! Joey: You know I couldn't have done any of this if you didn't believe in me... my whole life no one believed in me...and when I closed my eyes at night and think what's happened to me, all I see is you face. Hey there's a good movie at the Theatre, you interested? (Joey and Nadine walk off stage) Curtain opens with reporters on the red carpet. As award recipients exit, they are being interviewed on the red carpet. Followed by the “announcer” in a deep voice coming back from commercial music “ And now, for the conclusion of the 58th Annual Academy Awards…” Ryan Seacrest: Can you believe it? What an unforgettable night! One for the record books. Agador: (Popping his head from behind the red carpet curtain) I am SOOOOO excited! I even wore choes tonight. Joey D'Agostino is the Big Winner!!! (He falls over while saying winner. From backstage, Agador yells) I hate the choes. Ryan Seacrest: Chas: Joe Pesci: Here’s what happened tonight. All the big favorites were predicted to sweep the awards. But it was a newcomer who stole the show. Tonight was all about the new up and comers. They’re coming out now. Chas, over to you. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Pesci! What an upset! I can’t believe that Good Fellas 2 At the Circus didn’t win…... How are you feeling right now? (Joe comes out wearing a huge bow tie, red clown nose, oversized gangster suit, and oversized shoes.) You talking to me? How do I feel?. How would you feel? (Begins swinging his microphone at her.) Cher: Who dressed you, Bozo? Two guys come over and pull Joe Pesci away from Chas. Joe Pesci: (as he is being dragged away) What do I amuse you? Chas: Look at how big his feet are. What size shoes do you think he wears? Cher: Oh, Chas, look it’s Natalie Portman. Natalie, congratulations on your win for best actress for your role in Angry Birds. Natalie: (does her notorious laugh and does a ballet dance and stops to pull out some feathers) Ryan Seacrest: Super Dawg, the big winner for best skating in a movie. Dog, did you enjoy filming Seventeen Candles on Ice? Super Dawg: (comes walking up with his girlfriend, Marlene, from Sixteen Candles) Wassa happening hot stuff? We off to get married, but first the Dogger needs some food. Ryan: Super Dawg: Chas: Tori: Joey: Nadine: (clapping all happy) Here come the best directors, Larry David and Tori Spelling! And who is this handsome fella? Do I know Dr. Troy? My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. Dr. Troy: Chas: (in a strong accent) Married! Dean couldn’t make it tonight, so I brought my favorite doctor. This is Dr. Troy. Do you know Dr. Troy Cher? Cher: Cher: Larry: (in a strong accent) Married? Are you kidding, Cher is one of my best customers. She comes in almost as often as you do, Tori. So, Larry, how do you feel about all of this? How do I feel about this? I probably have more feeling about this than the two of you have in your faces. Standing here listening to the two of you is like being at a collagen convention. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, here comes the man of the hour, the writer of the big hit. It’s Joey D'Agostino! Nadine, come over here and give me a big hug. (to Chas) She is the reason we're here tonight. Simmer down Mr. Hollywood Academy Award Winner Fancy Pants Man! (normal sweet voice)Congratulations Joey. I always knew you could do it. (Lumberg and Meagan waiting to talk to Joey) Lumberg: (on the side of the stage talking to Joey) Hey, Joey. Congratulations. Sorry about the Meagan thing. Hey, I would like to be in your next movie. That would be great. Joey: Yeah, I've already have 3 movies in production. I'll set you up with an invite to the Vanity Fair Party you can sit with all the big wigs of Hollywood and we'll talk about it. (Joey turns to security guards) See those people over there? (waives at Lumberg) He said he stole and Oscar and put it in her purse. (Security takes them away. They think they are getting special treatment) Security: You two, come with me please. Joey: (To Nadine) It's funny how things work out. Ain't Life Grand? CLOSER: Tonight‐Tonight