FALL 2014

FALL 2014
Editor in Chief
Amanda Van Slyke
Managing Editor
Ryan Willis
Communications Director
Amy Saunders
Writers
Amanda Van Slyke
Cecilia Levine
Manda Brownrigg
Nikki Durkin
Lucy Sutcliffe
Ariel Wodarcyk
Alexis Marie Chute
Caity Bell
Hayley Gordon
Amy Saunders
Art & Photos
Editor’s Note
Photographer: Demetri Gianni Photography
Model: Amanda Van Slyke
Lucy Sutcliffe Cover Shoot
Photographer: Emily Smith
Model: Lucy Sutcliffe
Lucy and Friends Fall Photo Shoot
Photographer: Emily Smith
Models: Lucy Sutcliffe; Emily Smith; Belphoebe
New
How to Transition Your Wardrobe from
Summer to Fall Article
Photographers: Keiran Cooper; Savannah
Eggert
Model: Ariel Wodarcyk
Flurting With History Photo Spread
Photographer: Jeremy Givens
Models: Tazi Apple; Amanda Strachan; Mikaela
Maria; Jordann Walsh; Jasmine Johnston;
Vanessa Leigh; Davis Brown
Backpage
Photographer: Jeremy Givens
Model: Cassie Hart
Gender Bending Anti Ad
Photographer: Jeremy Givens
Model: Alexia
Magazine Design
Kara Acker
On the cover
FALL 2014
my Battle With PMDD
The other half of the YouTube duo steps away from the camera
to write about a health issue she’s been struggling with for
the first time... MORE ON P 7
Take Back Your Body from the Pill
THE RED TENT SISTERS GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE TOUGH DECISION OF
SWITCHING FROM THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL TO NON-HORMONAL FORMS. AS
MORE WOMEN ARE OPTING FOR HOLISTIC LIVING... MORE ON P 14
4 Reasons You Should Say ‘No’ More Often
A few years ago I was scared to take risks. On the outside I
looked confident, but I always worried, “what if I make the
wrong choice?” My encouraging mother ... MORE ON P 17
FIFTY SHADES OF NO WAY
Following its release in May of 2011, Fifty Shades of Grey has
become a household name. The famed erotica trilogy has
become one of the best selling.... MORE ON P 40
CONTENT
FALL 2014
Editor’s note
Entertainment
career
Shiva Rose Talks Making
a Career off Holistic
Living 10
My Startup Failed and This
is What it Feels Like 25
Catching dreams
1
47
Grace’s Guide Book
Rubee Rayne
60
49
Sex and dating
I Found Love in a Hopeless
Place AKA Tinder 37
The Faces of Fake Sexualities
55
activism
Boards Not Bombs
Sexism in India
21
42
I Was Almost Trafficked
52
life
How I Ate My Eating
Disorder 45
Why ‘Girl Crush’ is the
New ‘No Homo.’ 58
Style
How to Transition Your Wardrobe
from Summer to Fall 2
BETTER BEAUTY BUYS
20
Lucy and friends fall photoshoot
23
Editor’s note
New possibilities float all around us.
They linger on ideas we had long ago
that show up to the surface every now
and again. They hang on thoughts
we have randomly before threatening
to disappear when we hesitate too
long. They sit patiently, waiting for us
to notice them and finally take action.
Life is a series of opportunities, and our
own existence is based off whether
we decide to snatch them up or pass
them by.
Taking advantage of our choices
could mean trying to find love on
a seemingly-hopeless dating app,
going hormone-free and trying a
more natural birth control method or
reading up on asexuality because we
might just be that when we never knew
what it was. It could mean changing
our mantra from ‘yes’ to ‘no’ and
doing only what you want for once.
It could mean deciding to bend the
rules when it comes to gender and how
we identify or to become the powerful
women we see around us rather than
just gazing at them from afar.
We’re provided with choices that will
either expand our quality or life or
deplete it. Organizations like Skateistan
provide gurls in developing countries
with boards instead of bombs. Volunteer
trips to India show us how extreme
sexism can be in other cultures.
Even if we live in a developed world
and a nice neighbourhood, if we take
the wrong turn, we can become a
victim of human trafficking in our own
backyards.
The span of our life is made up of a series
of branches that create the existence
we either want or don’t. It’s up to us to
decide which options are going to
energize us or deplete us. If we have
1
an eating disorder, we can either let it
consume us or find a community and
tools to take control of our bodies.
We can watch poor examples of
media like 50 Shades of Grey, or read
empowering and hilarious stories like
Grace’s Guide Book.
The question of who we’re going to be
lies within how willing you are to take
advantage of your surroundings. Look
for what society can offer you – and if
you can’t find what you’re searching
for, don’t be afraid to create new
opportunities for yourself and others.
Amanda Van Slyke
Editor-in-Chief
STYLE
How To
Transition
Your
Wardrobe
From
Summer
To Fall
Ariel Wodarcyk
If you’re anything like me, you
probably spend most of the summer
trying to get away with wearing
as little clothing as possible and
the fewest charges of indecent
exposure as you can manage. It
seems that the second I get this
balance down, the temperature
drops, pumpkin everything starts
appearing in stores and all of a
sudden it’s officially fall. To help us
all out here, I’m going to show you
four different outfits that can easily
be interpreted to fit all transitional
summer to fall climates.
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I think this outfit is absolutely
adorable, and it can easily
transition
from
warmer
to cooler weather and
back again. The summer
cardigan I’m wearing is
from a Bloomingdale’s sale
a few years ago. It isn’t
too heavy, which is what
makes it ideal for warmer
climates. I chose to layer
it over a white sleeveless
blouse from H&M that I
tied at the waist, as well
as high-waisted shorts from
the Gap. I like this look
because a heavier sweater
can always replace the
cardigan if the weather gets
colder, but if temperatures
rise you can just take the
knit off and reveal the outfit
underneath. In fact, that’s
exactly what I did with for
fall appropriate outfit – !
I just buttoned the same
top all the way up, added
black skinny jeans from
H&M, and tossed on a grey
sweater from the Gap.
3
This is perfect for breezy days
at the beach or other outdoor
events. Whenever the weather
is hot but still windy, I always
wear a maxi-dress; they’re
cool and flowy but won’t
float up like most of my short
skirts and dresses would. This
dress is from Marshalls, and I
added a denim shirt from H&M
on top to provide a bit more
warmth. Tying the shirt also
helps to emphasize my waist,
which I find is important when
wearing such a long, flowy
garment underneath. Don’t
be afraid to wear long dresses
and skirts if you’re short; I’m
only 5’3 and I love how having
one solid color from head to
toe helps elongate my figure.
To take this outfit into fall, I just
added motorcycle boots and
a leather jacket; the H&M
boots provide a little extra
height, and the jacket adds
warmth while allowing me to
channel my inner cool factor.
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Feminine without making me look like
I tried too hard, this look is probably
my favorite of the bunch. Layering a
denim jacket over a pretty dress is one
of my favorite ways to add coverage
and a little bit of warmth. Both the dress
and the jacket are from H&M, and the
nude espadrilles were a find from T.J.
Maxx several years ago. If you’re not
into denim jackets, or if you’re going
out at night and it’s a little colder, try
tossing on a leather jacket instead.
This is what I did for the fall look, and
I really like the juxtaposition between
the sweet floral print and the black
leather boots plus jacket combo.
When wearing full skirts and dresses, I
sometimes like to add a black crinoline
underneath. It sounds costumey, but if
you only let the lacy hem peek out, it’s
actually not too obvious and helps add
a nice bounce to the skirt. You might
be wary of adding more volume, but
if the dress nips in at the waist then the
extra fullness will really emphasize that.
5
This outfit is probably the most casual,
as well as the most suitable for extreme
summer heat. I love lacy bandeaus,
but when it comes to flaunting my
midriff in public I’ve always been a
little shy. Tossing this sleeveless H&M
button down on top completely solves
this problem. The fact that the fabric is
sheer and that the top few buttons are
undone shows off the prettiest hint of
lace, without looking completely bare.
A pair of distressed olive green shorts
from H&M keeps the look very casual
for day, but adding black skinny jeans
can help take the look up a notch. I
added the jeans for fall, but kept the
vibe cozy and casual with my favorite
well-worn cardigan (this one has more
holes in it than I can count, but I still
adore it!). The great thing about these
button down shirts is that they look
equally cute tied at or slightly below
the waist, either over a pretty bra, a
bandeau or even as a slightly retro
swimsuit cover-up.
Photography credits: Summer outfits shot by
Keiran Cooper, fall outfits shot by Savannah
Eggert
6
F E AT U R E
My Battle
With PMDD
Lucy Sutcliffe
The other half of the
YouTube duo steps away
from the camera to write
about a health issue she’s
been struggling with for
the first time.
For the past twelve hours,
I haven’t left my bed.
Approximately three of those
hours have been spent
sobbing into my pillow, a
further four have been spent
sleeping and the remaining
five have been dedicated
to panic attacks, emotional
outbursts and hurling things
across my bedroom at the
wall. I’m exhausted, both
physically and mentally, and
I feel drained, quite literally, of
life. But no, I’m not crazy. No,
I’m not being over dramatic.
And no, it’s not ‘just PMS.’
I have something called
PMDD,
or
Premenstrual
Dysphoric Disorder, which,
once a month, changes
me beyond all recognition.
But
these
aren’t
just
mood
swings, and I’m
not just ‘hormonal.’ PMDD
7
is PMS to the extreme; it’s
overwhelming, debilitating and
often pretty scary. The National
Institute of Health defines PMDD
as “a condition in which a
woman has severe depression
symptoms, irritability and tension
before menstruation.” I become
depressed,
withdrawn
and
unspeakably angry and irritable.
I have terrifying thoughts about
hurting myself. I sleep fourteen
hours a night and wake up
exhausted and aching all over.
My thought processes become
skewed; I’ll suddenly remember
that boy at school who stole
my lunch when I was seven
and want to punch his face in,
and then I’ll see an old couple
cross the road arm-in-arm and
burst into uncontrollable sobs,
convinced that I’m going to die
alone and unloved. My mood
swings are whacked, everything
is off. Nothing feels right. Once a
month, like clockwork, I become
someone else.
This is something that affects everything
I do. When I’m suffering, I can’t think
straight, let alone do the things that
every-day life requires. Getting up in
the morning, for example, requires at
least an extra hour, which I dedicate to
wallowing in a pit of self-loathing and
hatred as I poke and prod at myself
in the mirror. Going to class is another
huge task; getting there is treacherous
in itself. I become convinced that a
passerby is going to judge me as they
walk past; I narrow my eyes at them
as I flounce on down the road, getting
angrier by the minute. Receiving
criticism from a tutor or peer sends me
over the edge. I feel instantly put upon,
like everyone’s out to get me. I go
home feeling lost, deflated and alone
– when in reality, of course, I’m none of
those things.
Every other day of the month, I’m
my usual bouncy and positive self. I
work hard, play hard, and love and
embrace my life, family and friends.
I enjoy my job, and I enjoy studying. I
love learning, laughing, travelling and
meeting new people. I play the guitar,
sing, read, cycle. Hell, sometimes I
even play badminton. I’m happy.
I’m lucky. I have an incredible support
system. My parents are understanding
and tactful; they know me like the
back of their hands and leave me to
it when they sense I need time alone.
My girlfriend, by equal measure, is a
saint. She’s patient, supportive and
considerate, and knows all the right
things to say. We count down, she
and I, to the day my symptoms will
pass. “Three more days left,” she’ll say,
calmly, as I sob down the phone to her.
“You’re over halfway
through. You’ve got
this.”
Even my friends, some of whom know
of my condition only distantly, will
bring me chocolate and send words
8
of encouragement my way when I’m
feeling at my worst. It’s safe to say
I’m blessed to know a small group
of really wonderful people. There’s a
small online community, too. More and
more Facebook groups for people with
PMDD are popping up; you can talk to
fellow sufferers with just the click of a
button. It’s incredible that the internet
can unite a group of people from all
across the world, who would otherwise
feel so alienated and alone.
There are lots of things which can
help PMDD sufferers, too. Last year,
I went on a course of Generess Fe, a
contraceptive pill which can be used
to help a plethora of reproductive
problems, including endometriosis,
irregular periods and ovarian cysts.
Although the pill did help my PMDD
by regulating my hormone levels, it
gave me terrible side effects including
stomach cramps, cystic acne and
extreme nausea. Because of this, I
decided after careful consideration to
stop taking it. This was difficult – saying
goodbye to something that literally
stopped me from becoming a monster
each month was tough. But I don’t
regret it, in hindsight (as a side note,
I’ve heard some wonderful success
stories from people who take Generess
Fe for their PMDD, so if you’re a sufferer
don’t be perturbed – side effects are
different for everyone and I just got
unlucky).
I’m currently looking at making
alterations to my diet and exercise
regime, and although it’s early days,
I’m already seeing results. I’ve cut
down on my lactose intake – it’s been
proven that dairy promotes the release
of androgen (testosterone) in the body,
thus causing a hormone imbalance.
I’m also trying to eat less sugar and
salt, although that’s a lot harder to do.
I’ve now made a conscious effort to
eat better – fresh, crunchy vegetables,
colourful salads and hearty soups.
Eating healthily can be fun if you put
your mind to it! That doesn’t mean I’ve
cut out the yummies completely, of
course – you’re allowed the odd cake
or two!
My symptoms don’t last as long
anymore. I feel more mentally
prepared; if I sense it coming on (and I
always do), I’ll force myself to go on a
short walk or jog, no matter how much
I’d rather lay in my bed and watch
Orange Is the New Black. I’m also using
a free app called ‘My Days’ which
helps me track my period, so I know
when it’s coming and I can plan for it.
It’s still difficult, and it’s still exhausting,
but I’m learning to cope, the natural
way. As my doctor said, ‘whatever
works best for you.’ I’m getting there.
Lucy and her girlfriend share a YouTube
channel called Kaelyn and Lucy. You
can find Lucy on Twitter at @lucyliz.
To hear more stories of women with
PMDD, check out The PMDD Project.
9
CAREER
Shiva Rose
Talks Making
a Career
off
Holistic Living
Despite
the
alleged,
cure-all
medications that sit atop shelves of
corporate drug stores, Shiva Rose
chooses nature for her remedies.
Shiva’s blog, The Local Rose, offers
healthy recipes, natural skin-care tips
and a bevy of other approaches to
holistic living. So whether you want
to do an all-natural girls-night-in or
you’re looking to learn how to treat
your body better, Shiva provides it
all on her blog. Flurt spoke with Shiva
to find out why she chooses the
natural path and why you should too.
10
Flurt: What got you into holistic living?
Shiva: I first became involved with
holistic living after I was diagnosed
with an auto-immune condition in my
twenties. I realized early on that diet
and lifestyle plays a major part in our
overall health and how we feel about
ourselves. Flurt:
How has it benefitted your
career?
Shiva: For years the holistic part of my
life was just a personal endeavor. For
years I worked as an actress and even
though I gravitated towards eating
organically and using non-toxic skin
care, it wasn’t until I started The Local
Rose that it became the focus of my
work
as well.
Flurt:
Why is the holistic approach
important for women?
Shiva:
Eating organically is vital for
young women having toxic GMO’s
and toxins from plastics can actually
affect the endocrine system and
hormones. I know many young women
who are struggling with issues like autoimmune conditions, peri-menopause
and thyroid decline when that would
be something happening in their 40’s
or 50’s. It’s crucial for young women
to use beauty products that aren’t
tainted with parabens or phthalates.
One in three women will get cancer
and much of it is due to food and
products.
Flurt: How did you get into blogging?
Shiva: When my life began to reshape
itself after my divorce, I decided to get
back to nature and a wholesome life
by growing most of my food. I started
the blog three and a half years ago
after many friends asked me where to
get
certain things, or for recipes.
11
Flurt:
What is the most rewarding
aspect of your lifestyle?
Shiva: Feeling connected to something
greater than myself is a great aspect of
my lifestyle. Meeting with farmers and
artisans is another great benefit.
Flurt:
What’s the first step towards the
holistic approach?
Shiva:
I would say the first step is to eat
organically. It doesn’t have to be that
expensive – in fact farmers markets
have
great prices.
Flurt: Who are your role models and
why is it important for young women to
have them?
Shiva: I have many role models from
activists to artists. I admire Julia Butterfly
Hill for her tenacity and determination
to save trees. I admire actresses like
Meryl Streep who are courageous in
their work. It’s important for young
women to have role models since they
pave
the path for us.
Flurt: How do you cope with stress and
bumps in the road?
Shiva:
I cope with stress by taking a
warm bath and eating raw organic
cacao chocolate. I deal with bumps
in the road with my Kundalini Yoga
spiritual practice.
Flurt:
If you could give your younger
self one piece of advice what would
it be?
Shiva:
Don’t take things too personally,
and don’t act from fear – only love. Flurt:
What have you learned about
yourself through your lifestyle?
Shiva:
I’m much stronger and resilient
than I ever thought, and that I can be
loved.
Learn more about Shiva Rose and holistic
living at www.thelocalrose.com.
12
ingredients
Raw
Chocolate
Berry Cake
Cup Coconut oil
Cup Cacao Powder
optional: reishi powder
Method:
The measures for Cacao Powder do
not equal what is in the ingredient list.
(1/3 + 1/2 = approximately 0.83 cups.)
Maybe just say 1/3 cup cacao for crust,
½ cup for frosting?
How to Make the Crust:
Place 1/2 cup of hazelnuts in a food
processor and blend until it becomes a
flour consistency.
Combine ground hazelnuts with 1/3
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Cup hazelnuts
Cup Maple syrup
cup of cacao, 1/4 cup of maple syrup
and 1/4 cup coconut oil.
Pat this mixture into pie dish to make
crust.
How to Make the Epic Frosting:
Whisk together 1/2 Cup Cacao
powder, 1/4 cup maple syrup and 1/4
cup coconut oil.
Pour onto crust.
Add berries in a pattern.
Place pie in the refrigerator for at least
20 minutes to solidify.
Enjoy!
S E X & D AT I N G
Take Your
Body Back
From
The Pill
The Red Tent Sisters guide you through
the tough decision of switching from
the birth control pill to non-hormonal
forms.
As more women are opting for holistic
living over pharmacy medications,
they’re throwing out their birth control
pills
for
hormone-free
methods.
However, with doctors dishing out
14
the birth control pill like candy and
non-hormonal methods being much
less publicized, how can a gurl know
where to turn when she’s making such
an important decision regarding her
body? Many women have been on
the pill for years from an early age,
and many due to health issues such
as horrible cramps, a heavy flow and
ovarian cysts. They don’t know who to
talk to even if they wanted to go off
their medication, or what switching
to a non-hormonal option would do
to their body. However, the Red Tent
Sisters want you to know that while
swapping hormones to no hormones
can be intimidating, it’s completely
possible, and more and more women
are doing it every day.
days. For optimal efficiency a woman
will abstain from vaginal penetration –
however, some women will choose to
use other methods of contraception
such as condoms, cervical caps or
withdrawal on those days. For the rest
of her cycle, a woman can confidently
engage in intercourse knowing that it’s
physically impossible to conceive.
Kim and Amy from Red Tent Sisters
work to help women take control of
their bodies and switch from the birth
control pill to non-hormonal forms. We
talked to Kim about why women are
choosing to go off the pill, what natural
methods they can choose instead and
the process of detoxing your body
from the synthetic hormones that have
been pumping through it all these
years.
Unfortunately
Fertility
Awareness
Methods (FAM) are misunderstood and
often grouped alongside less effective
forms of natural birth control such
Flurt: What reasons do you find women
are ditching the pill and looking for
natural methods of birth control?
Kim: There are lots of reasons why
women come to us looking for
alternatives to the pill, but the most
common ones we hear are that women
feel like the pill makes them “crazy”
(if you type “the pill makes me” into
google the number one hit is “crazy”).
They’re tired of taking hormones when
they’ve ‘greened’ everything else in
their life, and they’re scared about the
health risks (especially with the news
reports in the last few years linking the
pill to twenty-three deaths in Canada).
Flurt: What ways can women prevent
pregnancy naturally and how effective
and easy are these methods?
Kim: At Red Tent Sisters we teach the
Justisse Method of Fertility Awareness,
which uses scientifically proven signs of
fertility (cervical mucus and basal body
temperature) to chart a woman’s cycle
and identify exactly which days she’s
fertile (on average 5-8 days per cycle).
Once she’s determined her fertile days,
she can choose how to treat those
15
as the rhythm method. However, in
perfect use, the Justisse Method is over
99% effective, which puts it on par with
the pill. While there’s an initial learning
curve, eventually charting should add
no more than 5-10 minutes to your day.
And once you’ve mastered it, you’ll
have the skill for life!
There are a number of ways to learn
how to chart, including books like
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, but
to feel confident using FAM we
highly recommend consulting with a
Reproductive Health Practitioner or
taking part in our Eco-Contraception
Program. This provides individualized
support to ensure accuracy.
Flurt: What would you recommend to
women who went on the pill because
of things like horrible cramps, a heavy
flow and ovarian cysts but want to try
a more natural method?
Kim: Amy can certainly relate because
that’s exactly why she was put on
the pill! Like many women, she was
prescribed the pill before she was
sexually active, to “treat” horrible
menstrual cramps. There were days
she wasn’t able to go to school
because she was doubled over in
pain, vomiting and experiencing
severe diarrhea. While the pill helped
to manage the symptoms, it didn’t
treat the underlying problem. That’s
why she loves the Justisse Method – it
was through charting that she was
able to identify food sensitivities and
make other lifestyle changes that
have dramatically improved her cycle.
Similarly, she’s had clients with PCOS
(Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) that
were able to identify food intolerances
and therefore make dietary changes
that reduced or eliminated, their
symptoms. These changes are much
easier to implement when a woman
is using the Justisse Method because
her charts will enable her to track
progress and identify which changes
are making a difference. Rather than
simply masking the symptoms with
hormonal birth control, menstrual cycle
charting enables women to treat the
underlying issues.
Flurt: How do you feel about doctors
giving young women the birth control
pill at an early age before they
understand what they’re committing
to long term?
Kim: At Red Tent Sisters we strive to help
women make informed choices about
their reproductive and sexual health.
We’re concerned that women are
often put on the pill without providing
them with all their options (fertility
awareness is rarely mentioned) and
without fully explaining all the potential
side effects. Beyond the life threatening
risks, there are a whole range of
other factors that might influence a
woman’s choice to go on the pill. For
instance, Kim wishes she’d known that
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depression is a common side effect
of the pill (one that she experienced
while she was on it). Other women are
shocked to discover that the pill can
affect future fertility. When it comes to
side effects from the pill, we hear over
and over women saying
“I wish someone had
told me.”
Clearly the conversation needs to be
more extensive so that women are
getting all the information they need
to make an informed choice.
Flurt: What are the benefits of being off
the pill and how long does it take for
these to kick in after going off synthetic
hormones?
Kim: There are lots of benefits! One
of the ones we like the most is that
we’re more connected to our body.
It’s nice not feeling like you’re being
“controlled” by a pill and that your
body is doing what it was designed to
do (ovulate, menstruate, etc.). Many
women, including Kim, will notice an
improvement in mood (she was able
to go off anti-depressants when she
went off the pill). Since the pill depletes
you of nutrients there are lots of health
benefits to going off of it. Plus, you’ll
likely notice an increase in libido!
A variety of factors will determine how
long it takes a woman to detox from
the pill – at what age they were first put
on the pill, how long they took it, etc. –
so results will vary in terms of noticing
changes.
For help with detoxing from synthetic
hormones, Kim and Amy advise
women to watch their video, ‘What
Should I Expect When I Come off the
Birth Control Pill?’ You can find more
information on Red Tent Sisters, learning
the Justisse Method and the decion to
switch to natural birth control methods
at www.redtentsisters.com.
LIFE
4 Reasons
You Should
Say ‘No’ More
Often
Alexis Marie Chute
A few years ago I was scared to
take risks. On the outside I looked
confident, but I always worried, “what
if I make the wrong choice?” My
encouraging mother would say things
like, “whatever decision you make is
the right one.” That was not comforting
logic when I worried over taking a new
job or choosing my scholastic major.
“Just do something, take action,” was
what she really meant, believing there
was power in bold moves. Eventually
I came to the point where I decided
I would no longer hum and haw
when opportunities arose, and my life
philosophy became ‘yes’.
What this life philosophy looks like is an
intentional mindset that knows what I
want and stretches myself to achieve
it. For the most part, saying ‘yes’ to life
has opened me up, both personally
and professionally, to many new
experiences that I may not have had
before. I’ve taken on roles that I wasn’t
totally equipped to achieve and
taught myself how to be successful
as I went along. It was exciting and
challenging, even during tasks that
made me uncomfortable at first, like
17
public speaking. The result is that I have
grown leaps and bounds as a person.
At the same time, this jump-in-with-allmy-heart approach has made for an
extremely busy calendar and I often
wish I had less on my to-do list. It’s a
symptom of imbalance. Too much
‘yes’ and not enough ‘no.’ Yet I didn’t
realize my lopsided approach until I
skimmed an article recently proposing
that it’s just as important to pass on an
opportunity as it is to take it on. The
idea resonated.
That’s when it dawned on me: My
favorite word, ‘yes,’ has a very
important cousin in ‘no.’ If a person
says ‘yes’ all the time, it can lead
to resentment and burnout – and
that’s the opposite of what I hoped
for with my life philosophy. I wanted
and still want new experiences and
challenges, to grow in my career
and as a person – not to become a
sleepless and stressed-out wreck.
Slowly I realized that saying ‘no’ is
actually just as empowering as saying
‘yes,’ and that there are many benefits
to this guarded approach:
1
Saying ‘no’ gives you the
time to do what’s really
important – and to do it well.
If you’re so busy doing all the little tasks
you said ‘yes’ to, with all the things that
came along, whether truly important or
not, you may run the risk of choking out
your most valuable commodity: Time.
Schedule enough time in your day to
do the things that matter. Maybe you
want to learn to cook, garden or pole
dance? Maybe you want to write the
next great American novel or take
up sailing, or even just exercise or get
ahead at work. Be sure to say ‘no’
when opportunities arise outside your
areas of passion. Protect and guard
your time. The reserve of available
hours and minutes is easily spent, but
if protected the right doors open and
you can run through with confidence.
2
Saying ‘no’ allows you
physical,
mental
and
emotional health by not
spreading yourself too thin.
I know all too well the feeling of being
thinly spread. When I am too busy and
forced to jump from one thing to the
next, my body barks out in response.
My limbs are heavy and sleepy. My
mind is scattered and struggles to
focus. I’m emotional – okay, I’m always
emotional, but when I’m stressed there
are no emoticons to convey my harried
state.
I think about it like a piece of peanut
butter toast, which is my breakfast of
champions. When the peanut butter
18
is spread too thin, you can barely
taste it, the flavor is bland and diluted.
It’s less satisfying. I love a piece of
toast spread with a thick layer of PB,
especially when the bread is warm.
That’s the metaphor I imagine when
thinking about spreading myself thin
with commitments. I don’t give my
work or family life the deep richness
that living life to the full is all about.
Another one of my mom’s sayings is,
“if you can’t do it right, don’t do it at
all.” She typically grumbles this angrily
when my step-dad or I have done a
half ass job at something she’s asked
us to do, but the principle is right on.
If you cannot give a full effort at
something, maybe you shouldn’t do
it. Carefully consider the time, effort
and brainpower needed to do a task
before signing up and then say ‘no’ if
it would make you a bland piece of
toast.
3
Saying ‘no’ sets important
boundaries around who you
define yourself to be.
It’s easy to have a fluid personality
when you don’t know what you want.
You may become business minded
around aspiring professionals, or fitnessfocused around athletes or uberdomestic when you’re hanging out at
the park for a play-date with your other
mom-friends and all do you is bitch
about teachers at school or how your
partner never does the dishes. Stop.
Think. Who are you? Who do you want
to be?
For me, this contemplation has made
a huge difference in my decisionmaking. I’ve come to peace with the
fact that I’m a bit of a crazy artist. I
talk and think differently than many
people in my life – and that’s okay.
Now, instead of conforming to the
expectations of others, I know myself
well enough to say ‘no’ to the requests
and jobs outside of my own personal
self-definition. I refuse to take newborn
portraits, even though I’ve done them
in the past, because I’d rather spend
my time getting covered in paint as
I create large abstract works of art.
That’s what makes me happy. By
saying ‘no’ to some things, I ensure
my own wellbeing and take important
steps towards what truly matters in my
life.
4
Saying ‘no’ gives you the
power over your destiny,
similarly to saying ‘yes.’
I know a handful of people that say
‘yes’ to absolutely everything. It’s easy
to spot them because they are typically
exhausted and often grumble. I was
19
once one of them and felt like I was
going to let others down if I didn’t help
them out. It becomes a never-ending
cycle. Yet by learning the power of my
own voice and standing up for myself
and saying, “not this time,” or even the
straight up, ‘no,’ I have become more
confident. I realized that I shape my
own destiny. There is no such thing as
a lucky break; we make our own luck
through focus, determination and hard
work.
Saying ‘no’ is also a way of saying ‘yes.’
It empowers you to hone in on your own
personal compass and make positive
choices that will take you where you
want to go. We cannot be everything
to everyone. It’s impossible, and those
that disagree will find themselves spent
of time and energy soon enough.
There is power in saying ‘no’ and
when we practice its use, eventually,
when the right opportunities present
themselves, we’ll be able to give a
definitive ‘yes’ and mean it completely.
STYLE
Better Beauty Buys
Looking for beauty products that are both good for your
body and the environment? Here are our fall faves!
20
ACTIVISM
BOARDS
NOT
BOMBS
Skateistan is an international NGO
that uses skateboarding to connect
youth to education. We talked to
communications intern, Laura Della
Marta about how it’s empowering
young women in developing countries
to become part of new opportunities
they wouldn’t otherwise have the
chance to be a part of.
Flurt: What’s
Skateistan?
your
involvement
in
Laura: Early this year I started working
as a volunteer at Skateistan’s project
site in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. With
a background in communications,
journalism and design, I’m now
helping out the organization both
internationally and locally by passing
on my skills to the Cambodian staff
members.
Flurt: Can you tell us a little bit about
the creation of Skateistan?
Laura:
Skateistan
began
very
organically on the streets of Kabul,
Afghanistan in 2007. Most Afghans
had never seen a skateboard before,
so when Skateistan’s founder, Oliver
Perchovich, was cruising the streets,
kids would follow him and want to have
a turn! Because skateboarding was
so new to them, Oliver realized that it
could be used as a really strong and
unique tool to engage and empower
marginalized
youth,
especially
gurls. His idea then was to grow a
sustainable organization to connect
youth to quality education programs
through skateboarding. Today there
are 4 project sites worldwide. We have
2 facilities in Afghanistan – Kabul and
Mazar-e-Sharif – as well as Phnom
Penh, Cambodia and a new project in
21
Johannesburg, South Africa.
Flurt: What are the goals of Skateistan?
Laura: Everything we do at Skateistan
is preparing for the long-term. We
provide Youth Leadership training for
students as well as back-to-school
programs to help kids finish their
education and steer them away from
working on the streets. Most of our staff
members, including skate instructors
and classroom teachers, are either
former students or members of the
local community in both Afghanistan
and Cambodia. Ultimately, the aim is
for each project site to be run by the
local staff.
There are also short-term benefits of the
program – I’m talking about the smiling
faces and laughter and happiness I see
every day in the skate park. Skateistan
works with around eight hundred youth
per week from the ages of 5-18, and
about 70% of them come from very
low-income families. Children who
have only known war or poverty their
whole lives can come to a safe place
to skate for an hour or so each week
for a fun physical and creative outlet.
It’s a place where kids can just be kids.
Flurt: How has Skateistan empowered
young women through its efforts?
Laura: In Afghanistan, women are
excluded from almost every sport.
Yet, it’s now home to the largest
percentage of female skateboarders
in the world. Luckily, skateboarding
is so new to the country that no one
has had a chance to say that gurls
can’t do it! At present, about 40% of
Skateistan students are gurls and they
come from all different ethnicities and
backgrounds.
Skateistan is empowering young
women by giving them an opportunity
to play a sport. We prioritize their
participation by providing transport
and private gurls day in a culturally
acceptable enclosed facility so young
women and their families can feel
comfortable. By fostering self-esteem,
Skateistan also helps gurls develop
strong life and leadership skills that
are central to the pursuit of gender
equality and women’s empowerment.
Flurt: What kind of young women are a
part of Skateistan?
beautiful speech at the UN Habitat’s
World Urban Forum in Columbia about
her experience as a young female in
Kabul and how she’s working to enable
and empower other young women:
“How can I possibly convey to you in
a few minutes the struggles of millions
of gurls and young women around the
world to go to school, to acquire even
the most rudimentary skills in the face
of enormous obstacles?” she said.
In Cambodia, there are numerous
barriers to female youth participation
in sport, including poverty, exposure
to sex exploitation, street involvement,
drugs, garment factory employment,
social isolation and low self-esteem.
Without a stable home and place in
society, Cambodian youth can be
forced to spend their days on the city
streets begging for money or sent to
work at a young age to support their
families instead of attending school.
But by using skateboarding as a tool
for engagement, Skateistan is able
to provide better opportunities for
their futures. Skateistan Cambodia
only started up about 2 years ago, so
skateboarding is still a very new sport
here. Tin, who, to our knowledge, is
Cambodia’s first local female skater,
began as a student and is now our
Education Coordinator, in charge of all
the skate and arts education lessons.
She’s the most inspiring young woman
I have ever met. Always eager to
learn and share her knowledge, she’s
an amazing female role model and
constantly motivates her students to
not be afraid and to show boys that
gurls can skate too!
Flurt: How can young women support
Skateistan?
Laura: There are so many amazing
success stories from Skateistan students.
For example, 16-year-old Madina is
one of Afghanistan’s most talented
skaters. Since joining Skateistan,
Madina has gone from an ordinary
Afghan gurl growing up on the streets
of Kabul to an incredible Youth Leader,
skate instructor and classroom teacher
at Skateistan. She recently made a
22
Laura: The best way is by donating
or fundraising. This July we ran our
biannual ‘Keep Skateistan Rolling’
fundraising drive to help make a
positive impact on the lives of young
women like Madina and Tin at our
programs worldwide.
Another great way to get involved and
help us spread the shred is by simply
sharing the #KeepSkateistanRolling
campaign with family and friends. You
can find Madina in the video as well.
For more information on Skateistan or to
donate to their efforts, visit www.skateistan.
org.
STYLE
Lucy & Friends
Fall P hoto Shoot
23
Lucy is a 21 year old filmmaker
currently living in Phoenix, Arizona
with her girlfriend Kaelyn. The
couple make YouTube videos
offering advice for LGBT teens
around the world.
Belphoebe is a 21 year old living
in London and working in digital
marketing. In her spare time she
pursues her love of fashion and
writing with her personal style
blog, www.ragsoflove.com.
Emily is 21 and currently loving
Oxford pursuing a career in
branding and design.
24
CAREER
My Startup
Failed and
This is What
it Feels Like
Nikki Durkin, founder of 99dresses, talks
about the rise and fall of her baby, how
it feels to have your startup fail and the
realization that starting from scratch
again is possible.
25
Foreword
Over 90% of tech startups fail, but I never
thought my baby, 99dresses, would be
one of them.
If there is one thing that doing a startup
has taught me, it’s that I am much
more resilient than I could have ever
imagined. Looking back, when I started
99dresses fresh out of high school I was
very naive and had zero idea what I was
doing. In fact, I didn’t even know what a
startup was! I just knew I wanted to solve
a problem I personally experienced:
Having a closet full of clothes but still
nothing to wear.
Since then I’ve survived being stabbed
in the back by cofounders, investment
rounds
falling
through,
massive
technology fuckups that brought sales
to a halt, visa problems, lack of money,
lack of traction, lack of a team, hiring
the wrong people, firing people I didn’t
want to fire, lack of product-market fit,
and everything else in between.
And yet I failed. I won many battles but I
lost the war.
I take complete responsibility for this
failure. Were other people involved in
99dresses? Of course. Was any of this
their fault? Absolutely not.
The startup press glorify hardship. They
glorify the Airbnb’s who sold breakfast
cereal to survive, and then turned their
idea into a multi-billion dollar business. You
rarely hear the raw stories of startups that
persevered but ultimately failed — the
emotional roller coaster of the founders,
and why their startups didn’t work out.
As things were looking bleak at
99dresses
I
started
seeking
out
these stories, desperately hoping for
someone — anyone — to relate to. Failing
is lonely and isolating. Every time I’d scroll
through my Facebook feed all my startup
friends were launching new products
on Techcrunch, announcing their new
fundraising rounds or acquisition, and
posting photos of their happy teams.
Ask any founder how they’re doing and
you’ll hear something positive. Whether
that’s the truth or not, that’s what we’re
trained to say.
I found postmortems of startups outlining
what didn’t work and why the company
went under, but I was hard pressed to
find anything that talked about the
emotional side of failure — how it actually
feels to invest many years of your life and
26
your blood, sweat and tears, only for your
startup to fall head first off a cliff. Maybe
it’s because most founders are men, and
men generally don’t like talking about
their feelings. Maybe it’s because failure
is embarrassing.
I don’t know why this is the case, but
here is my contribution to the cause: My
story. This is what failure feels like. I hope
it helps.
Where it all began…
Many startup folk say that failure should
be celebrated. “Fail fast, fail early, fail
often!” they all chant, trying to put a
positive spin on the most excruciating
pain any founder could experience.
Let me tell you — failure fucking sucks. If I
would have failed fast, early and often,
then I would have given up 99dresses
years ago when, in 2011, I travelled to
my parent’s place in the countryside
of Australia, locked myself away in my
room and cried for what seemed like an
entire week. I had launched 99dresses in
Australia 9 months earlier and received
some great traction, but I was losing
momentum due to technology problems
that I didn’t understand and battling a
whole host of other issues.
I felt like I was drowning in a black
ocean, and I couldn’t see any light at
the surface. I didn’t know which way to
swim.
At the same time the Australian press
would continue to approach me for
interviews. The fact that I was a teenage
gurl working on a startup in a male
dominated industry seemed to garner a
lot of attention, and I’d take the interviews
that came my way because that was
my job. It was my job to be positive and
paint a happy picture for the media,
who seemed to talk about me as if I was
some kind of entrepreneurial wunderkind
because of my age and the fact that I
had breasts.
This
didn’t
help
my
impostor
syndrome — the constant feeling that
everybody was always giving me way
too much credit. I remember one
reporter saying “you must be so proud
of what you have achieved” and I was
completely stumped by that statement
because I’d never actually thought
about it. Was I proud? What had I actually
achieved? We had some traction, sure,
but we also had many problems that
needed solving. I was just waiting for the
day when everyone would figure out
that I’m not that extraordinary.
“But you’re taking a massive risk! That’s
so brave!” they’d say. I never thought
so. The biggest risk in my eyes was going
to university, getting a stable job, and
sliding into a comfortable life. There’s
nothing wrong with that, but I knew it
wasn’t me.
Plus, the worst that could happen if I
failed was that I’d end up living with my
parents. I think the really brave founders
are the ones who will be out on the street
if they fuck it up, and still do it anyway.
It’s easy to take risks if you have nothing
to lose.
My mother said “Nikki, are you sure that
you really want to do this? It is so much
pressure for a 19 year old to take on. No
one will think less of you if you decide
this isn’t what you want”. My parents are
my number one supporters but my mum
hated seeing me in so much pain, even
if it was character building.
But despite the horrible sinking feeling
in my stomach, and the fact that I had
no money left, and the fact that I had
no stable team, and massive product
problems, and was feeling burnt out, and
had no idea how to overcome any of
the aforementioned obstacles, and felt
completely alone in it all, I persevered.
I didn’t fail then. I couldn’t fail. This was
my baby, and if it was going to fail it
would be over my dead body.
I became numb to the pain, and despite
waking up for weeks on end with no
glimmer of hope and no desire to get
out of bed, I still made myself sit at my
desk and work.
Eventually, things took a turn for the
better.
When you’re at your lowest,
the only way forward is up
I applied for a university team business
planning competition with a $10k prize,
paid a friend $500 of the prize money
to be on my ‘team’ so I could qualify to
enter, wrote a winning business plan and
took out first place. That was enough
money to buy me a plane ticket and
some accommodation to the US.
I met my friend and advisor, Matt, who
took me under his wing and helped me
more than I could ever have hoped. My
developer was admitted to hospital with
a very serious illness and dropped out of
27
the company, but I replaced him with
2 co-founders. I got into Y Combinator
and headed to Silicon Valley — startup
Mecca for a starry eyed young founder
like I was — for 5 months. We rebuilt the
99dresses product and launched it in the
US. We were getting traction. I signed
a $1.2 million seed round with a group
of investors on a valuation cap that I
honestly thought was ridiculously high.
99dresses was back, baby!
And then, all of a sudden, we weren’t.
Another trip down the
emotional rollercoaster
I had to fly back to Australia to get a
working visa as soon as the funding
paperwork was signed, and the next
day my two “co-founders” decided to
tell me they were leaving the company
without even a hint of warning.
The $1.2 million hadn’t hit our account
yet, but even if it had I would have felt
uncomfortable accepting it with no
team in place to execute my vision. I
would have looked like a fraud and an
idiot anyway — what kind of founder
announces to her investors that she
suddenly has no team the day after she
takes their money? And furthermore,
how could I not have seen this coming? I
was completely blindsided.
I went over to Matt’s office, and he
proceeded to pour vodka down my
throat whilst telling me I was much better
off without them. Like most of Matt’s
lessons it was hard to see that then, but
he was right.
The next day I rang up our lead investor
who decided to pull out of the round.
Then another investor fell off. Everything
I worked so hard for was crumbling
to pieces. If only I’d closed everyone
individually, instead of agreeing to
round up at least $1mil to get the lead
on board. But then I realized that these
“co-founders” would have left anyway,
leaving me in this same position.
I was stuck back in Australia still with a
big vision, but as a single, non-tech
founder with no team, no product (I
needed these co-founders to keep the
product running), no US visa and just
some money that I’d gotten from being
a YC company.
I remember my sister taking me for a
walk after it all happened. She sat me
down in a park overlooking Sydney
harbor at night time and made me listen
to ‘Shake it out’ by Florence and the
Machine. She told me I’d bounce back,
that I’d overcome this like I always did. I
wasn’t sure I believed her, but I knew I’d
survived worse. This ended up becoming
my motivational song that I would listen
to when times were tough, because it
reminded me that I could surmount huge
obstacles if I wanted to.
I didn’t fail then. I just started again.
Starting over
There were 5 investors who invested in
me, despite all of this. They believed in
me when I was having trouble believing
in myself, but I couldn’t show them
that — that’s the cardinal sin of any
entrepreneur. Always be confident.
Always be smiling. Always stay positive.
Sell, sell, sell!
I remember one investor sending me
an email saying “Shit happens. Take
the money and go sort it out.” Another
told me to go make him some crack for
women.
My cap got sliced in half, but at least I
wasn’t broke again.
So I closed $595k and started looking for
a new co-founder. Problem was, I didn’t
trust anyone. Not after what my previous
co-founders had just put me through.
But then I met Marcin, who quit his
corporate IT job and joined me in an
office we referred to as ‘The Cave’
because it was cheap and nasty and
had no natural light. I remember he came
in on his first day, and midway through
a conversation my chair completely
collapsed. The next day he brought in his
own chair. I was very jealous.
We rebuilt 99dresses again and
launched it in the US which was proving
to be ridiculously hard when we weren’t
physically in the US and having to handle
some stock and seed a community from
another continent. We were having
trouble getting traction. The market had
moved on, competitors had flooded
the space and the product we had
built just didn’t provide enough value in
comparison.
Add to that the fact that we were
building a 2 sided marketplace, and
you might get a sense for how tough
things were. The US market is huge,
hyper-competitive and way harder to
crack than the Australian one. We were
frustrated by our lack of progress, and
28
the product I’d promised our investors
just wasn’t working.
I didn’t fail then. We pivoted.
Our big pivot
I caught a plane to the US and talked
to as many women in our target
market as I could. We interviewed more
customers. We discovered a very clear
set of problems that explained why our
product just wasn’t working in the US
market.
I rang up the team in Australia, and told
them, quite bluntly, that we needed to
chuck everything out and approach the
problem from a different perspective.
I presented a new idea for a product
that seemed to resonate with the gurl’s
I was talking to. The team did not take it
well, and I definitely communicated the
change very poorly. I almost got on an
early flight home because I felt a mutiny
brewing — we were throwing out many
months of hard work. This wasn’t my
finest moment as a leader.
Despite this, the team rallied together. We
threw out our website and concentrated
entirely on mobile. We had a mobile
website prototype in front of users within
a week and iterated based on that
before building out the native version.
We hustled to get anyone we could
to try out our beta app. We must have
emailed thousands of bloggers, and
some ended up giving it a go. Items were
being traded, and gurl’s were paying us
money. This new thing was working! We
couldn’t wait to launch it in the US, but
we needed to physically move there first
in order to do things properly.
Visa issues
Problem was, we didn’t have any visas.
You see, it’s very easy to get into the US
as an Australian if you have a degree in a
specialized field, which I did not. Marcin
had to wait it out to first become an
Australian citizen with his wife, then get
his E3 visa. However, right before joining
99dresses his wife had fallen pregnant
with their first child, which they needed
to give birth to in Australia 9 months later.
Marcin was then tasked with moving his
wife and baby halfway across the world
to chase our startup dreams. Needless to
say, he’s a very brave man.
I, on the other hand, was faced with my
next big challenge: Proving that I was
‘an alien of extraordinary ability’ that
was worthy of living and working in the
US without a degree (after all, I gave
up my scholarship and dropped out of
university when I got into Y Combinator).
After about 7 months of working on my
petition, I was ecstatic and incredibly
grateful when I got approved for an O1
visa.
I practically skipped over to the US
consulate in Sydney for my appointment,
where I was to pick up the visa. Instead,
I was interviewed by a lady who took an
obvious immediate disliking to me. She
told me she was putting me through extra
processing, so I wouldn’t be getting my
visa that day. She told me it was random.
She told me it would take 2 weeks.
I later found out this processing was not
random — it was reserved for potential
terrorists, and could take up to several
years.
As an entrepreneur I HATE feeling helpless.
I’m used to taking action on something
and producing some kind of result. I like
being in control. In this instance I felt
completely helpless, and my startup was
at the mercy of a government worker on
a power trip.
We were already running behind on
launching this app in the US, and the
consulate had my passport. I couldn’t
get out of Australia. The consulate made
me jump through hoop after hoop, and
a few months later I still didn’t have my
visa. It got to the point where I had to
call the consulate hotline every single
day and split test different types of
crying (machine-gun bursts of sobs vs.
long sad silences vs. loud ugly cries)
on the operators (males were much
more receptive to helping out), and
occasionally I’d get lucky and have one
of them put in a report for me. I hated
doing it, but it was the only way to push
things forward.
I finally got my visa, and took the next
flight I could get out of Australia with four
suitcases — 2 full of clothes, 1 full of shoes
and another with all my electronics and
miscellaneous items. The contents of
these suitcases just about summed up
my life.
I’d achieved my dream of moving to
NYC, and I was living in a shoebox. It was
all I could afford on my startup salary.
Soon after, my 25 year old sister and
19 year old brother both bought
gorgeous apartments in Sydney. Whilst
I was absolutely thrilled for them, I also
29
couldn’t help feeling a little jealous as I
sat in my tiny convertible bedroom with
no windows. If this all didn’t work out I’d
be financially left with nothing, whilst
my siblings were off investing in their
financial future. That didn’t really scare
me — I’ve realized that money isn’t a
huge motivator for me — but it did flare
my competitive side. We probably all
compare ourselves to others way more
than we should…
Re-launch time!
After hiring a few people and finding
an office in NYC we were ready to
launch. We solved the chicken-andegg problem using techniques that
we promised never to speak of again
because they squarely sat on the grey/
black spectrum of naughtiness. If there
was a line, we definitely crossed it. We
had to. These hacks were harmless to
others, so I figured it was only a problem
if we got caught.
Our plan worked better and faster than
I’d budgeted. Within 3 months we were
doing over 1,000 trades a week, and
bringing in revenue on every trade. We
continued to grow.
Our
app
store
reviews
were
overwhelmingly positive. Obsession did
not begin to describe how some gurl’s
treated 99dresses. Within a few short
months several power users had spent
over $1000 each and traded hundreds
of individual items. We steadily grew our
stock turnover rate from 17% to 50% — that
was 2-3x better than our competitors.
Everyday I’d be wearing a new outfit that
I’d received off the app. Our retention
rates were really exciting. If my investors
had wanted crack for women, then that
is what we had created.
Based on the way we were growing, we
thought we could get cash-flow positive
before our funding ran out.
I had 99 problems and our
runway was one…
But then growth started to slow down.
The average value of items listed steadily
declined and our fees were based on
this value, so although we were growing
transaction volume our revenue wasn’t
budging. We started to see some holes in
the business model. Whilst our retention
was great, we worried about our
activation rate.
In an attempt to save ourselves we made
one more pivot; this would turn out to be
our last one. The pivot made complete
logical sense based on all of our research,
but introducing it to our community was
a nightmare. There was mutiny within the
app. While our top line metrics shot up
in a massive way, our one metric that
mattered — transactions — plummeted.
Meanwhile, I had approached our
existing investors about getting a bridge.
I knew we had something really special
with amazing potential, if we just had
enough runway to give it an extra push.
I also knew we weren’t perfectly poised
to raise a bridge round, unless our existing
investors were going to pony up the
cash. We’d been in the market a while,
and although we had to overcome a
number of setbacks to get out here,
that didn’t seem to matter too much
to external investors. Bridge rounds just
aren’t that sexy.
We only had one institutional investor in
our previous funding round, and I was so
relieved when they told me they wanted
to lead this bridge. Boom! It looked like
we were going to live to see another
day.
I sent through the due diligence
documents and worked with them to
answer all their questions.
They were taking longer than anticipated
to get back to me so we could get the
deal done and move on. Then one
Wednesday I got a call from them, and
the line was kind of crackly. However, it
sounded like they not only wanted to
lead, but they actually wanted to fill up
the entire round! Relief flooded through
my body. I was so nervous.
Then I heard a ‘but…’
And the rest of the conversation
explained why they would not be doing
that. My stomach dropped. I knew
they were our best shot of getting the
money, and some of the angels who
had previously invested were interested
in coming in but only if I could get a VC
to lead it, probably for some oversight.
We now had very little cash left, and very
little time to find someone else.
Turns out, under closer scrutiny some
of the other partners in the firm didn’t
like how competitive the market was.
99dresses was squarely focused on
trading cheaper fast fashion (fast fashion
is really hard to re-sell for cash), but all
the competition were mainly focused
30
on buying & selling designer fashion.
Despite our differentiation, the space is
crowded and the competitors are well
funded to the tune of tens of millions of
dollars each.
I felt my voice crack whilst I was talking
back on the phone. I was trying so hard
to hold it together and be professional,
but I could barely speak without it being
obvious I was crying. Damn emotions! I
was embarrassed.
Our last attempt
It was night time and I walked over to
Marcin’s home in tears, fully expecting
him to take the safe and responsible
route of deciding to get another job.
He had a family to support, and I felt an
extraordinary amount of guilt for putting
him in that position.
Instead, Marcin surprised me. He wasn’t
willing to give up that easily. None of the
team were. I was taking on this massive
burden and internalizing everything,
when in actual fact my team was
prepared to fight to the end alongside
me. We made a plan for cutting our costs
to extend our runway whilst we tried to
get some more cash in the door.
The next day I gave notice on our office,
and let someone go. We were already
a very lean operation, but now the work
of 2 was being done by 1 person on
operations, and we shifted our focus to
only the most essential tasks to buy us
more time.
I didn’t tell many people about what was
happening. You’re not supposed to talk
about this shit. If someone asks how your
startup is doing, you fire off some kind
of positive phrase like a reflex. My friend
gave me a hug and told me to go read
‘The Hard Thing About Hard Things’ by
Ben Horowitz. I bought the book and sat
in a coffee shop that Saturday afternoon
reading it through. I identified so much
with the struggle — I’d been through it
many times before whilst aboard this
emotional rollercoaster.
I realized something: I was fucking
tired — physically and emotionally. I
wasn’t sleeping properly. I hadn’t been
on a proper holiday since our ‘schoolies’
beach celebration straight after I finished
high school in 2009. The holidays I had
tried to go on just ended up being long
strategy sessions in my head to figure out
my next move whilst lying beside a pool.
All I could think about was this damn
startup and it was completely consuming
me.
I had no bandwidth for anything else.
When someone asked what hobbies I
had outside of work, I’d laugh. I’d recently
started having mini panic attacks whilst I
was doing ordinary things, like taking a
shower or doing my hair. I felt like a shitty
friend. I couldn’t even contemplate
having a relationship (I tried that before,
but yet again this startup won out over
him). I wasn’t sure how much longer I
could do this.
My mother told me to trust my gut. If my
gut told me that I didn’t have faith in
the business, then there is no shame in
winding down the company and moving
onto something more productive instead
of raising more money. I’d learned an
awful lot in the past few years.
I told my mum I didn’t trust my gut when
it came to this. My gut was telling me to
quit. Problem was, my gut had told me
that before in my darkest hours and I still
pulled through. If I had trusted my gut
then I would have quit years ago.
I knew the only way this was going to die
was if we were killed. I am not a quitter. I
owed it to myself, my team, my investors
and the 99dresses community to see this
through.
I continued approaching investors
without luck. I’d be invited to cocktail
parties full of VCs where I’d don my painful
sky-high heels because I’d split tested
heels vs. flats, and for some reason a 5’11
woman in 7 inch heels commands more
talking time and attention from investors
than one in the comfy flat booties I wear
to work. Apparently height gives you
presence. Once or twice I’d have an
investor asking if I knew what an angel
was, or if I also modelled because of
my height, or some other unintentionally
patronizing comment that I doubt any
guy would be subjected to. I learned to
take it all in my high-heeled stride.
I kept hearing the same thing from
these investors. “That’s a very interesting
business, but we’ll either put in the first
money or a series A. We don’t do in
between. I’d love to keep in touch
though, and see you progress to a series
A where we might be able to help. Oh,
and why aren’t you getting this bridge
from your current investors?”
I remember one day Marcin joked that
I was a control freak, and I was really
surprised. I’d never perceived myself that
31
way — I just liked things done a certain
way and to a certain standard that
matched the vision in my head. When
it came to non-99dresses related stuff, I
thought I was pretty chill.
Over the past few weeks leading up
to this event I did start to get a sense
for what he was talking about, though.
I wasn’t a control freak in that I was
obsessed with controlling outcomes — I
was a control freak who just needed to
be in control of the inputs.
This became more obvious as everything
started looking more and more
hopeless at work. I started eating much
healthier, strictly cutting out wheat,
sugar and anything processed. To take
a mental break I would read about biohacking, which is incidentally all about
understanding and controlling how inputs
effect your body. I told myself this would
give me more energy to hustle, but really
I think I just had to feel like I had control
over something — anything — when my
startup’s fate felt so out of my control.
Closing down
With a few weeks of cash left, Marcin
and I agreed to use our remaining time
to shut down the app gracefully for the
sake of ourselves and the community. I
came into the office that day prepared
to have a hard conversation with him,
but we both looked at each other and
knew it was over. There were some tears,
and I was grateful to have a curtain
of long dark hair to hide my bloodshot
eyes behind as I walked through our coworking space. I felt physically sick all
day, and my stomach wouldn’t let me
keep any food down. I lost my appetite
for the rest of the week.
My first instinct was to apologize — to
Marcin, to my team, to my investors, to
the loyal community we’d built. I felt
shame, guilt and embarrassment — like
a shepherd who’d led her sheep off
a cliff when it was my responsibility to
keep them safe. I logically knew that I
shouldn’t feel these things, but emotions
aren’t always logical.
In fact, I didn’t really know what I
should be feeling. I’d been working
on this company ever since I finished
high school, so 99dresses was all I’d
ever known. It was a huge part of my
identity — I was “that 99dresses gurl”.
Who was I without this startup? I had no
idea. Just an ordinary gurl, I guess.
My friends invited me out to drink away
my sorrows and get my mind off things,
but I just didn’t feel like it. I was scared I’d
meet someone new and they’d ask me
what I do, and I wouldn’t know how to
answer. I was also embarrassed because
I couldn’t afford to pay for anything
superfluous anymore — I still don’t know
how I’m going to pay rent at the end of
the month. As a woman going out in NYC
my nights were normally cheap because
cute guys would buy me drinks, but I am
not the kind of woman who expects
that. I’m independent. If I couldn’t pay
for myself, then I wasn’t going out at all.
I wasn’t depressed so much as
disappointed. I tried so fucking hard,
and I still couldn’t make it work. There
are many things I would have done
differently were I to do this all again, but
Marcin and I agreed not to get sucked
into the ‘shoulda woulda coulda’ trap.
“No regrets”, he said. We both learned
some hard lessons from our mistakes,
but it also made me realize how much
luck and timing are often huge factors in
success and failure.
The next day a report came out by a
startup with a very similar model to us,
but in a different vertical. We’d traded 3x
more items than them in our first 8 months
of the US app being live, had 2.5x more
members and had a business model in
place — all with a team half their size.
They’d gone on to raise a sizable series
A; we’d failed. Our investors said we did
a lot with the money we had.
It’s easier to accept defeat if you try and
try and try but don’t get anywhere. You
call it a failed experiment. The failure is
easy to justify.
It’s incredibly frustrating to try and try
and try, and when you finally start to get
some good traction you fall off a cliff.
Our business still had problems, sure, but
so does every other startup.
Moving on
So this is where the story comes to a
close. My friends all ask me if I’m fine,
and I honestly think that I am. It’s been a
wild ride, but it’s time to move on.
A cruel consequence of my failure is
losing the US visa I worked so hard to
obtain. Once I stop being the CEO of
99dresses I technically have 10 days to
sell all my possessions, pack my bags,
say goodbye to my amazing team, my
friends and the life I’ve been building
32
here, and leave.
That being said, I’m excited to start a
new chapter. As much as I love startups,
it’s somewhat liberating to have no
responsibilities to anyone but myself — no
team, no investors, no customers to look
after. Maybe now I can be a normal
22 year old for a while: Indulge my
wanderlust, make some bad decisions
and try something new.
I’ll be taking some time out to recharge
whilst living with my parents in a country
town of 2,000 people where the internet
is slow and there is no Seamless. I hope I
survive. Honestly, I’ll probably get bored
within a week and start working on a
new idea. I already have a few.
When I started 99dresses I was going to
go big or go home. It’s been a great
adventure, but now I’m going home.
The end
So that’s it. That’s my story of what failure
feels like. I hope reading it was as helpful
to you as writing it was cathartic to me.
Most startups fail, and yet this industry
doesn’t talk about failure nearly enough.
I’d encourage anyone who has failed
to write about how it felt, as I can’t tell
you how much that would have helped
me in those final months & weeks. I just
wanted someone to relate to. Instead, I
was left feeling isolated and ashamed.
In fact, I thought it might be therapeutic
to curate a collection of stories from
founders who have failed and put them
together in a book. It might be a little
project for me whilst I take some time
off, and I’m sure it would be helpful to
someone in my current position.
If you want to get involved or contribute
your story then shoot me an email. My
email address is [email protected]
(yep, I’m going to need a new email
too — still haven’t sorted that out yet).
Flurting with History
What if historical icons would
have been female? How would
that have shaped our lives
differently? We flurt with history
by illustrating this vision through
taking important male icons and
recreating them into female
versions.
Raising the flag at Iwo Jima
Models: Tazi Apple
Amanda Strachan
Mikaela Maria
Jordann Walsh
33
1940’s Kissing Soldiers
Model: Vanessa Leigh
Davis Brown
34
Johnny Cash
Model: Jordann Walsh
35
Christ
Model: Jasmine Johnston
36
S E X & D AT I N G
I Found Love in a
Hopeless Place
A.k.a Tinder
Cecilia Levine
*Names have been changed
Today I hit my 500th match on Tinder.
I’ve been Tindering since last
September, when one of my friends
encouraged me to download the
smartphone app. I was skeptical at
best, but desperate to distract myself
from my rough break-up.
No, Tinder didn’t seem like a shady
chat site that lands married men on To
Catch a Predator. And no, it wouldn’t
be as natural as catching someone’s
gaze from across the room. Yet Tinder
seemed like a good way to pass the
time and I was hopeful that it would
help get my mind off my ex.
So I started swiping - left for no and
right for yes.
Pick-up lines and wasting time
After connecting through Facebook –
which linked the app to my friends list,
‘liked’ pages and a handful of pictures
– I was presented with a seemingly
infinite number of local males at my
disposal. When both parties swipe right
on each other a match is made and
a little chat box appears. Many of the
guys that I matched with often initiated
conversation with questionable oneliners that caused me to doubt my own
morals. Some orchestrated creative
37
and well-thought-out openers while
others stuck to a more traditional, “hey
baby” and, “Dtf?”
Since when did “sit on my face”
become an acceptable way to break
the ice with a fucking stranger?
That was the first problem that I had
with Tinder. It totally dehumanized the
person on the other end, or maybe
some guys just see gurls as strictly sexual
prospects.
But I justified my technological
matchmaker with the comic relief
that it often yielded paired with its
impeccable ability to pass the time in
my most boring college classes.
“He has a dog, yes. He has
a beard, also yes. There
is no way that guy is 23,
so no.”
I judged people for months because
Tinder endorses superficiality. Users
contemplate their prospects based
on some pictures and a tacky autobiographical description.
Jesse’s gurl
I’d never considered meeting up with
anyone that I didn’t share at least
twenty friends with, but last month
when I moved 300 miles away from
home, I perceived Tinder as a more
serious opportunity for friendship, or
more.
beers at my apartment that evening.
Don’t get me wrong, it was great, but
I also had fun doing other non-sexual
activities, like playing off of each
other’s jokes in an empty restaurant
and exploring nature.
I matched with a guy named Jesse.
He was my age and he was only thirty
miles away. In his photo he stood solo
and smiling in a tan, brimmed cap
and a royal blue, nylon zip-up atop
a mountain – which was a refreshing
change from most of my other
matches who donned bright tanks and
sunglasses at music festivals.
Jesse’s tagline read, “My parents met
on Tinder so I thought I’d give it a try.”
I messaged him first.
“That’s an impressive legacy you carry,”
I said, hopeful that he might respond,
yet ready to accept rejection.
“Thanks, it’s so crazy that you can
count all the way to shfifty-five,” he
said in response to my tagline shortly
after.
After messaging through Tinder for a
week, we made plans to go on a hike.
It was only then that he asked for my
number, which he did cautiously. I
liked that he didn’t expect me to give
myself away to a stranger through a
cell phone which has become the
norm for many people in these modern
times.
Jesse drove thirty minutes in the
opposite direction to pick me up for
what would be the first of many dates.
We hit it off flawlessly and discussed
our many similarities as we climbed
over rocks and trekked through quiet
forests.
He liked mashups, a genre of music
that my friends made fun of me for
and worked for the same company
as my dad. He liked to be outside and
conversed with me about substantial
topics, in contrast to the athletes that I
was accustomed to dating who would
prefer to sit inside and watch hockey
in silence.
What made our date special for me,
however, was that the best part wasn’t
the kiss he gave me after drinking
38
“I wanted to spend more
time with him and I wanted
to be around him as often
as I could.”
The feeling was mutual.
More than just a Tinder flame
A few hours after our first date ended I
invited Jesse to my friend’s graduation
party. He happily accompanied
me, but when someone asked us
how we met there was an awkward
silence followed by us stumbling over
each other’s words. Was it socially
acceptable to say that we met on
Tinder? Sure, a lot of people have the
app, but don’t most people make up
excuses as to how they really met? I’m
not sure how that conversation ended,
but we’ve since been thinking of ways
to tell our friends and parents.
inebriated – but they say that drunk
words are sober thoughts.
Jesse and I continued talking for the
next few weeks. He texted me every
day and we went on plenty more
dates. He took me to see fireworks
and eat ice cream. We went paddleboating and named our swan-boat
Emma. We sat in my back yard and
watched fireflies and one day after
a two and a half mile run he pushed
me around in a shopping cart. We
often stayed up until the early morning
hours, which left me exhausted for my
nine to five job, but I didn’t care.
That proved to be true when he
followed through on his drunken
promise to visit me back at home the
following day.
It was only when Jesse drunkenly
FaceTimed me while he was visiting
I shamefully played hooky from work so
that we could hold each other in my
bed and make out. My guilt fell by the
wayside when I realized that Jesse is
more than a Tinder flame.
Me, 1 - Tinder, 0
Technology is all-consuming for many
aspects of life, romance included,
and screens make it easy to forget
that there is human life on the other
side of the line. Many studies have
proven that receiving a text message
elicits the brain to release the same
chemicals as cocaine, which can
cause people to become addicted
to their phones. Matching on Tinder
likely causes the same result. The fact
that many people use Tinder strictly
for sexual endeavors doesn’t give the
app the greatest reputation in the
world.
Despite the slew of negative stigmas
that are linked to the app, I think I
hit the jackpot. And I’d venture to
say that Jesse would say the same,
because last week he told me that I
won Tinder.
friends at his school two and a half
hours away when I realized that what
he and I had was different. We stared
at each other smiling in silence for
most of the call, like we typically do
when we are together, but at the end
he told me he missed me, a lot. He said
it over and over again and I said it right
back.
I was guarded because he was
obliterated – probably entirely too
39
E N T E R TA I N M E N T
Shades
Fifty
of
NO WAY
Hayley Gordon
Following its release in May of 2011,
Fifty Shades of Grey has become a
household name. The famed erotica
trilogy has become one of the best
selling novels of all time and has sold
more than 100 million copies worldwide.
Upon its debut in early August, the
trailer for the upcoming film adaptation
has amassed more than 26 million
views. It goes without saying that Fifty
Shades has become and international
phenomenon. What needs to be said
is that this phenomenon is anything but
good.
If you’re not familiar with the novel,
millionaire businessman Christian Grey
takes a virginal Anastasia Steele under
his wing as they engage in a fetishfilled dominant-submissive relationship.
Anastasia, or Ana, is portrayed as a
wilting flower sort, a damsel in distress
that needs to be saved and loved and
protected. It would be easy to take
advantage of someone like this, which
is exactly what Christian Grey does. Not
only does he lead her on romantically,
40
he envelops her in a world of BDSM,
manipulation and abuse.
Anyone that claims Fifty Shades of Grey
is not a portrayal of an abusive and
improper BDSM relationship doesn’t
have any idea what a truly healthy
BDSM relationship is. The motto of
BDSM is “safe, sane and consensual.”
Not only is the relationship between
the two unsafe, as Christian engages
in various unstable behaviors such as
stalking, bribery and physical abuse,
it’s also neither sane nor entirely
consensual.
A sane BDSM relationship means
that both partners are fully aware of
the other person’s kinks and desires,
and that they not only acknowledge
them but participate in fulfilling them.
While the idea behind BDSM is a
dominant-submissive relationship, it
is not a relationship that should ever
be unequal. Both partners must retain
full autonomy and power for the
relationship to remain safe and sane.
The use of a safe word is almost always
in place, which is used to communicate
a disliking or uncomfortable feeling
with the behaviors one or both
partners engage in. Safe words must
be respected and acknowledged at
all times for the relationship to be truly
healthy. Christian Grey not only ignores
the use of a safe word, but he does not
communicate effectively with Ana and
engages in multiple different sexual
behaviors that she isn’t prepared for
and didn’t consent to.
Consent is a huge issue in this story.
Consent isn’t an all or nothing
concept. Just because you consent
to something once doesn’t mean you
consent to it for the rest of your life. This
idea completely strips an individual
of their autonomy and individuality,
and it reduces them to nothing more
than a sex toy. Christian forces Ana
to sign a contract outlining the terms
of their relationship, and when Ana
becomes uncomfortable with them
afterwards, Christian threatens her
with violence and unconsented sex.
Because he takes away her power to
change her mind, he isn’t treating her
as a fully independent human being.
Anyone who doesn’t recognize and
respect another person’s ability or
inability to give consent and engages
in sexual behavior with their partner
has just committed an act of rape.
Rape is defined as any sexual behavior
between two partners in which one
partner doesn’t fully consent to the
behavior. If Ana didn’t want to have
sex with Christian, she wouldn’t have
to – if they were truly members of a
healthy, sane, safe and consensual
BDSM relationship.
It’s truly heartbreaking to think that
people will be going to see this film and
in turn supporting the filmmakers, actors
and author of the novel, and that
they’ll be coming out of the theatre
with the idea that the relationship
between Christian and Ana is not
only acceptable, but desirable. Many
members of abusive relationships are
unaware they’re in them because
of society’s tendency to overlook
boundaries and the full meaning of
consent. By glossing over the problems
with Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re
not only enabling abusers, but also
encouraging young women and men
to engage in unhealthy relationships.
41
How many young women will wind up
in the ER with rope burns after improper
binding during an attempt at BDSM
with their partners? How many young
men will overlook the importance of
consent and engage in unwanted
sexual behavior with their partners?
How many more relationships do we
need to turn abusive and manipulative
before we finally do something about
the perpetuation of the unhealthy
concepts in this novel? Apparently,
more than already exist.
For the sake of society and ultimately
yourself and your loved ones, don’t
support this film franchise or book
series. The more copies that are sold,
the more people that are exposed to
the inaccuracies and harmful content
of this series. The more tickets people
buy, the more money goes towards
funding yet another explicit, abusive
and tragically unaware film that will
warp the minds of men and women
everywhere. Boycotting the series
and the franchise is the only way to
open the eyes of the world and start
teaching young men and women
what truly healthy BDSM behavior
actually is. Stop the cycle now and say
“no way” to Fifty Shades of Grey.
ACTIVISM
Sunsets and
Cockroaches:
India’s Prevalent
Sexism through
the Eyes of a
Foreigner
Manda Brownrigg
There are cockroaches in my shoes.
To be fair, I’m not certain they’re in
my shoes; I only saw a few of them
skitter across the train floor and slide
under my bunk where my sandals had
been discarded for the overnight ride.
My skin’s crawling and the roof of my
mouth is dry, but it isn’t from fear of the
creepy crawlers I can’t see; it’s the eyes
of the man in the top bunk that leave
me feeling this way. From the moment
Mangala and I sat down, the men in
the bunks across from us have been
staring, smiling and whispering. How
can a woman explain the violation of
a strangers eyes raking down her body
like fingernails followed by a Cheshire
cat grin?
I find it hard to write about India. To be
a true traveler, you must leave with an
open mind and an open heart. You
have to be prepared for things to be
different, and to revel in the learning
experience each new country brings.
I thought I was ready for India. I was
wrong.
I hear India before I see it: A chorus
of car horns, barking dogs and crying
beggars. When I roll down the taxi
window in an attempt to let in the night
42
air, I’m overwhelmed with the smell of
the streets – an incomparable mixture
of human excrement, refuse piles,
curry, incense, manure and stagnant
water. I would roll the window up, but
it’s jammed, and the driver laughs
and shouts something in Tamil or Hindi
– which may tell me the secret of how
to close off the wet, heavy smell that
drips in the car and slides up my nose,
but I wouldn’t know since all I learned
before I came was hello and thank
you.
What was I thinking?
I expected more lights to welcome
me, but the dirt road into the city is
startlingly dark. I pull my sticky orange
t-shirt from my stomach and fan it back
and forth. As I enter what I assume
must be the city limits of Madurai, the
honking becomes a screaming chatter
as tiny yellow vehicles ricochet on all
sides of the road. “Over here!” they
scream. “Look out!” they holler. I shift
down in my seat and wish desperately
for a seat belt. The driver had laughed
when I tried to find one. “Safe,” he’d
grinned, bobbing his head from side to
side. “You safe.”
This is culture shock. There is nothing
familiar. The weather is hotter than I
have ever experienced. The colors are
more brilliant than I have ever seen.
The language is foreign to me and the
smells are intense and heavy. Even
the body language is different. The
addition of not having slept in over 46
hours doesn’t help the transition.
The tip of India is a grapefruit pink sky
sinking into a pale green sea. About 10
of the volunteers woke up at 5 in the
morning to see the sunrise, and it was
worth it. Prayers blared on the street
speakers as we wandered through
alleyways, trusting our guide was
leading us to the sea and not a murder
house. There are already about 40
locals there, all with eyes to the rising
sun. Nobody looks at us; we share the
sunrise in comfortable silence.
It’s been 3 days since I arrived in India,
and sleep has done wonders to aid
in my adjustment – but even in the
beauty of the sunrise, I feel a tinge of
worry. Every female volunteer I have
met so far has been on edge. “You will
see soon,” they warn. “It never ends.”
I find out what they mean that
afternoon.
The sunrise has led to a smoldering
day. The temples are breathtakingly
beautiful, but even their beauty can’t
distract me from the sweat mixed with
sunscreen that burns my eyes and
soaks my clothes.
Thankfully, our guide has it under
control: “Who wants to go for a swim?”
Just the mention of water seems to
refresh the group. We stampede off
the bus to the sandy shore. The men
are ripping off their shirts, and women
are frantically grabbing towels and
shorts from their bags.
We get to the water and decide to
ignore the garbage we see floating
here and there. It’s hot! Too hot to wait!
I have swapped my full length skirt for a
conservative pair of knee length shorts,
and I wade into the cool, salty water.
The relief was not to last. “Oh great,”
sighs my roommate Sasha. “Looks like
we have an audience. “I turn to the
shore where she is gesturing to see a
man and what I assume are his two
sons watching us from the shore. I
43
shrug. “They’ll leave eventually.”
About 15 minutes later, I stumble on
shore with a few others so we can dry
off before we have to leave again. A
few of the women have taken off their
t-shirts and are lying on towels in their
bathing suit tops, hoping to relish in
the last few moments of cool. The man
and his sons had taken a seat across
from them. I sit down on the beach
with the group.
“How long have they been staring at
you like that?”
“Basically, the whole time. I doubt
they’ll leave before we do.”
I attempt what I would back home
in Canada. I try to stare them down.
“Leave,” I think, hoping that it’s
somehow translated in my gaze.
“Leave us alone.” They only look back
at me and laugh.
After a few weeks, I’ve adjusted to
getting around Madurai. Crossing the
road is always a game of frogger, and
bartering has become second nature.
I am used to getting around on busses
and rickshaws, and my journalism work
during the day has helped me learn a
few more key words and phrases.
Every couple days, a group of us make
our way to the downtown tailor’s
market to pick up trinkets or get clothes
made. Our favorite tailor always offers
one of us his son in marriage, and it’s
an on-going joke with the group of us.
As a 6’1” white woman, I hardly blend
in, and I’m often asked for pictures. It
doesn’t bother me anymore: It’s simply
part of the culture, and most of the
time we all smile and pose for pictures
with men, women and children. I’ve
gotten used to whispers and stares,
and have even begun to tune out the
jeering and what I can only assume is
cat-calling from men. As long as they
don’t follow us, we’re having a good
day.
Of course, there are bad days. Bad days
like when a group of men followed us
44
(2 women and a man) from a bar, and
barked at us like wild dogs. We didn’t
know bars were for men only. They
followed us all the way back to our
hotel. At one point, the lights went out
in one of the regular power outages
and the three of us had to wander in
the dark away from the yipping and
the growling, hoping that we would
connect to a main road soon.
Bad days like when I had my ass
groped on my way off a bus. I turned
around and swore at the little man. He
laughed and walked away.
Bad days like when a man came to the
back of a busy bus to where I was sitting
to tell me that I couldn’t be there. That
because I am a woman, I should be at
the front, even though I am taller than
every person on the bus, and this one
seat in the back with no seats in front of
it was the only place I could fit.
It’s sad, but I’m adjusting, and I’m just
happy when it’s not a bad day.
When I get home 5 weeks later, I’m
disturbed by the spaghetti-strapped
shirts and short-shorts I see in the
airport. My first reaction is fear: “You
need to cover up! That’s how you get
followed!” Aside from a few glances,
the women are left alone, and the knot
in my belly eases – but the feeling is still
there. Like the cockroaches I couldn’t
see, I wait for the sexism to show itself,
to crawl out of the dark and creep
over my days. It took too long to let go
of that feeling.
It’s hard to write about India. It’s easy
to write about the beautiful temples,
the amazing generosity and the
incredible culture. As a traveler, I want
to share the beauty of the places that
I’ve visited, but sometimes, it isn’t the
beauty that sticks with you. Sometimes
your strongest memories aren’t sunsets,
they’re cockroaches.
LIFE
Cecilia Levine
My eating disorder ate me alive. It
consumed every fiber of my being from
my nail beds to my bones.
I lost more than just fifty pounds of fat and
flesh when I developed anorexia and
exercise bulimia last summer.
My friends left me because they couldn’t
stand the person I’d become – sullen and
irritated. My therapist signed me over to
an outpatient rehabilitation center as
she wasn’t qualified enough to treat my
disorder. I lost my period and my butt and
my boyfriend and my hair, which I stuck
on the wall of the shower in the form
of frownie faces. I was unrecognizably
different. I had lost myself inside of a
slowly fading skeleton. I felt almost like
a nine-year-old robot, flat-chested and
lacking a menstrual cycle. There was
nothing womanly, or human, about me.
“What started as an
attempt to lose weight
later developed into an
addiction.”
I was dependent on numbers, which I
manipulated to subside my obsessivecompulsive disorder. I counted the bites
of food I ate per meal and how many
miles I could run. I had no idea that I
had any disorder at all. Instead of eating
the food that I craved, I salivated over it
through hashtags on Instagram before I
45
went to bed.
The weight was coming off quickly
as I picked up running and put down
nutrition. People were complimenting me
on how great I looked and recalled how
I used to be much heavier, a healthy 145
for my muscular frame. The more people
noticed, the more I began to despise
my former self. I hated everything that I
used to be and became disgusted with
my old habits, which had been normal. I
scoffed at how I would once take pride
in my abdominals, which by then had
disintegrated into my rib cage.
I am one of the twenty million American
women who have suffered from an eating
disorder, according to the National Eating
Disorder Association (NEDA). Specifically,
I am one of the twenty-five percent of
normal dieters who developed a more
serious disorder. Some eating disorders
are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual for Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition
as Axis I (One. The font makes me think
of a small ‘l’ or capital ‘I’. You know?)
disorders (the same category as anxiety,
mood and psychotic disorders) – but
addictions counselor Stacey Casden
feels that the illness is more of an obsession
than a disease.
“People use food to control symptoms
of other issues, similar to how one
might abuse drugs and alcohol,” said
Stacey. “There is a bigger psychological
component [with eating disorders] than
there is with drug and alcohol abuse.”
While drug and alcohol abusers may
want to use, according to Stacey,
eating disorders are compelled by a
greater psychological component, such
as traumatic experiences, parental
influences or sexual abuse.
Stacey said of the three main eating
disorders where anorectics seek constant
control (i.e. the scale, what can pass their
lips, etc.), bulimics want to be in control
when they feel out of control (they might
purge or over exercise) and binge eaters
(which was recently added to the DSM 5)
use food to cover their feelings.
Though I started off as an anorectic and
exercise bulimic, my appetite returned
with a vengeance (if you’re going to
use a cliché, change the cliché. Eg:
With the vengeance of a Park Chanwook film. Please amend.), swinging me
to the other side of the eating disorder
pendulum as a binge eater. The burden
of maintaining my emaciated frame was
too much for my body to handle. Food
was a temptation as I had prior labeled
it harmful. Now that I was letting myself
have access to it, food became a free
for all.
“At first I loved being able
to eat whatever I wanted,
staying up late to gorge
on homemade cookies and
leftovers.”
My family watched in astonishment
as I cleaned my plate at meal times
and went back for seconds and thirds.
But what started off as a physiological
response turned into a destructive habit.
My new therapist at The Renfrew Center
in Greenwich, Connecticut assured me
that binge eating was a natural part of
anorectic recovery, but I felt that this was
different. I couldn’t stop eating.
I gained twenty pounds in two months,
which was necessary, but then another
forty in the following four. Though just
two seasons prior I had been learning
to adjust to my new body, again I had
to learn to readjust back to my biggest
fear: Becoming my former and despised
self. When I became aware of the deep
hatred that I had towards my former self,
the person whom I was before my eating
46
disorder, I was able to see the narcissistic
and judgmental side of myself that
everyone else had seen.
However, my weight gain was a blessing
in disguise.
Although I wasn’t keen on the love
handles that graced my once bony hips, I
was forced to see the beauty within myself
that had nothing to do with the amount of
weight that I might carry. I ran my hands
through my hair and became excited
when none of it fell out into my fingers. It
was thick and fit back into my wide hair
clips again. I frequently squeezed my own
butt and breasts, just to make sure they
were there. My personality came back,
bringing my passions and hobbies with
it. I began teaching Zumba Fitness again
(something I had normally been too
exhausted to do) which allowed me to
exercise without thinking about mileage
or calories, and watched in amazement
at the different ways that my body could
move.
One day something rather amazing
happened. I sat with my hand in a box
of chocolate covered peanuts, teary
eyed and hostile. The following October
morning I was delivered a package that
I hadn’t received in nine months: My
period. I was relieved that my womanly
body was again capable of doing what
it was biologically prepared to do. It
was only then that I fully accepted and
acknowledged my eating disorder, which
allowed me to embrace the recovery
process.
Instead of shaming myself for eating,
I allowed it to happen naturally with
hunger cues, which helped me to remove
the “bad” food labels. I stopped trying to
diet, and I exercised only when I felt like it.
Though my disorder is something that I
face every day in the mirror, feel on every
run and encounter at every meal, I’ve
regained more than just the fifty pounds
that I lost.
I gained a new appreciation and respect
for myself; I acknowledge my talents and
my feminine beauty that manifests in
qualitative ways.
I found a person.
CAREER
Catching Dreams
Amy Saunders
Australian based Joanna Hawley talks starting her
own candle business
Dreamcatchers Candles based in
Melbourne, Australia has captured our
dreams with their 100% soy and vegan
candles, handcrafted to perfection. In
her off time, Dreamcatchers Candles
founder Joanna Hawley can be found
working her full time job at Network
Seven on live to air AFL TV shows Game
Day and Talking Footy – this female
entrepreneur has a busy schedule, “my
week is busy, diverse and enormously
rewarding” she tells us during an
interview, adding that “I love having a
project to work on, so starting my own
business seemed like such a natural
progression”.
Joanna started her business on the 2
I though it would make for a special
day!!” she told us. With the amazing
support of her mother; Noni, friends
and her boyfriend; Anthony, Joanna
has been lucky enough to revel in the
47
love of such a supportive group while
her business makes huge strides across
Australia and even the world.
Joanna tells us that some of the many
rewards that have come from running
her own business that intertwines her
passion and entrepreneurial nature
have been her abilities and chances
to collaborate with a variety of other
businesses and great talents. As
well, “just the art of making candles
is a reward,” she tells us, as making
candles is a craft that brings this
female entrepreneur much happiness
while giving her the ability to share this
happiness through beautiful scents
and products --“It’s a magical circle”.
The love of her work was sparked by
the flame ignited in a candles ability to
alter the mood and energy of spaces,
“Dreamcatchers are magical webs
that dispel bad dreams and allow the
flow of good dreams and energies” the
Dreamcatchers Candles website tells
its visitors. Each candle is made with
soy and is “hand-poured with love”.
We asked founder Joanna Hawley
some of the benefits of her Candles,
both for the environment and our own
homes.To the female entrepreneurs
around the world, Joanna suggests
that you find a product you love and
are passionate about. “Then you just
have to go for it” Joanna says, adding
“being your own business you can do
whatever you like with it! If you love
what you do, you’ll never have to work
a day in your life”.
Here are the up-sides of purchasing a
Dreamcatcher Candle:
• Made completely from vegetables;
soybeans!
• Renewable, eco-friendly and carbon
neutral
• Free of pesticides and herbicides
• Burns cleanly and slowly
• Kosher certified and is not tested on
animals
Find Dreamcatchers Candles on
Instagram @DreamcatchersCandles
and on Facebook. All of Joanna’s
Dreamcatcher Candles are available
for international order – but if you are
outside Australia, place your order via
email at info@dreamcatchercandles.
com.au
of February 2014; “Two being my lucky
number,
nd
• Non-toxic, natural and biodegradable
• No GMO material, palm wax, paraffin
or unnatural additives
On the wooden wick:
• Extends the burn time of the candle
• Projects a soft scent of an open fire
• Excellent aroma scent throw
• Quick and easy lighting
• Creates a soothing sound of a
crackling fire
48
E N T E R TA I N M E N T
MUSIC MUSE:
RUBEE
RAYNE
Caity Bell
Sometimes when you listen to a song
for the first time you can tell almost
immediately you’re going to be
hooked to this artist for a while. Many
people can share an amazing story
of how they first heard a new song. It
could have been at a concert where
you fell in love with the opening act or
on the radio so you rushed to turn up
the volume because it was the only
thing that mattered in that moment.
My story is about how I discovered
and fell in love with Rubee Rayne. I
don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment
I became hooked on the ethereal trap
blend of DSYLM (Don’t Say You Love
Me). My friend who also has her music
on Soundcloud was bugging me for
weeks to listen to Rubee. He sent me
the link to DSYLM from his account.
The song opens with a thumping
49
sample that immediately reminded
me of Bound 2 by Kanye West and
Drunk in Love by Beyonce. Soon after,
the song melts into a smooth blend of
bass grooves with Rubee’s hauntingly
beautiful voice floating over everything
else.
“Before I even realized, I
caught myself dancing in
my seat.”
Born in Nigeria, Rubee moved to the UK
when she was ten to live with her mom
who travelled for her business ventures
frequently. She began writing poetry
but then switched to rap to fit in at her
new school. She describes music as her
passion, saying, “music was like my first
crush – I used to refer to it like a person
and started getting kicked out of class
for writing raps instead of algebra. I
went to eight different schools due to
moving around a lot and eventually
I became really withdrawn and very
much a loner.”
This withdrawal became a muse for her
music. “This is when I started singing and
what I think is reflected in my music. A
lot of my songs are just conversations I
have with myself in my head on a daily,”
she says. “I was mainly influenced by my
friends
and everything
50
around me. I try to take energy from
50’s-60’s rock’n’roll and early 2000’s
Pop, Hip Hop and R&B. Back then MTV
was pretty much all I watched.”
Rubee’s music is unique, yet has a
certain sense of familiarity. There are so
many samples from other songs used
in her music and her musical influences
are immediately recognizable: Outkast,
Pharrell Williams, N.E.R.D., Britney
Spears, Brandy, Lauryn Hill, Phoenix,
Kid
Cudi
and
Drake are newer
influences
that
can be heard in
Rubee’s
voice
and music. Trying
to
understand
how all of these
influences fit into
one sound can be
difficult.
Speaking
to the need to
categorize music into
genres, Rubee says, “I
don’t really understand
genres. I don’t think many
people do. I also don’t
think I’d ever stick to one
genre anyway so I just
focus on how the music
feels. The urge to find
a box that something
must fit into sounds
very OCD to me.”
Rubee’s
personal
style rejects the
confinement of a
box and labels.
“It’s not unique
– thousands of
people
dress
like me. It’s just
clothes. I throw
on
comfortable
clothes and go
about my business,”
she says. “It’s usually
only old people that
comment on stuff
like this, I think it’s a
generational
gap to
be
honest. The older generation are a lot
more discriminative and judgmental
and a lot more easily offended in my
opinion.”
When asked about her recent success
and if there had been any downsides
to being in demand, Rubee says, “not
really. It’s been fun so far and I’m just
enjoying going with the flow.”
Rubee Rayne has had great success
with her career lately, but has not yet
disclosed personal experiences. She
has generally mentioned a number
of exciting projects and songs that
will be surfacing in the future. She was
nominated for a Spotify Artist Grant
and was playlisted on BBC1 Radio and
1Xtra. As for future endeavors she says,
“a few things happening consistently
behind the scenes that seems sort
of surreal and likely to all be real
memorable experiences in the near
future.”
For her long-time fans Rubee shares the
message, “I see you guys and I know
who you guys are. Let’s form a gang
and take over the world.”
Sign me up.
51
ACTIVISM
“I Was Almost Trafficked”
A woman applying for a serving position gets much more than she
bargained for, almost falling victim to human trafficking.
*Names have been changed
Amanda Van Slyke
As more and more young women in
North America are having a difficult
time finding employment, they’re
ignoring their gut feelings because of
financial desperation. Taking whatever
job they can get in their field of interest
or otherwise, these women become
increasingly at risk for vulnerable
situations that anybody can advertise
on the Internet.
Julia had just moved from a small town
to a big city, where she was looking
for a position in the retail or restaurant
industry. Taking the typical 21st century
approach, she searched on Craigslist
and applied for various positions that
fit her skill set and resume. Finally, she
heard back from a man who was
looking for women to serve and work
coat check at a downtown bar. The ad
conformed to the brief description that
is usually present on the job hunting
site.
“There was no grammar or spelling,”
says Julia. You might think this would
be the first warning sign when applying
for a position, but when she checked
out the address, it was a professionallooking downtown bar. Like many
women, she wasn’t going to pass up
possible employment due to being
picky over what the ad looked like.
The interviewer asked if she could
meet them at restaurant right away.
She found it odd that it was a different
establishment than the one she was
interviewing for, but he said he was
already having lunch there and
52
wanted to meet her quickly in person.
“As soon as he said, ‘I want to see what
you look like, can you meet me right
away?’ I had a bad feeling, a bad gut
reaction.” says Julia.
However, despite her gut telling her
it was a bad idea to meet him, she
decided to give the guy the benefit of
the doubt, like so many women tend
to do.
Julia arrived at a well-known restaurant
chain, coming face to face with the
Persian man who would later try to get
her to do drugs and go in his car.
Even though she says the interview
seemed fine and was really short, there
were some things that were off about
it. For one, he didn’t care about any
serving information. He didn’t even
look at her resume.
“Technically, this guy was hired at a
bar as a general manager three weeks
before any of this happened. He’s not
in the bar industry himself, from what
I’ve gathered. He’s a plastic surgeon
in Dubai and in school here to study
injections.”
In the interview, the man told her that
he wanted to take care of her. He
told her that she looked great, but
that she should arrive at work ensuring
she was dressed sexy. Coming from a
background in retail, Julia didn’t know
that telling her to dress this way was out
of the norm for an ordinary bar job.
When she arrived to her first shift, there
were about ten to fifteen women
waiting around. She asked the
restaurant manager what she should
be doing, and he said that he didn’t
know – he didn’t even know they were
hiring people.
“He didn’t really seem too sold on the
guy,” says Julia. “But I thought maybe
they hired him for a facelift for the
summer and were trying something
new.”
Then things got weird – if they weren’t
weird already.
“He was asking me to do
really shady things,”
Julia’s potentially new boss told her
to tell customers different prices than
were on the menu, and to lie to the
restaurant manager about how many
drinks she sold. He also asked her to do
sexual things with customers.
“He asked me, ‘do you like to party,
gurl?’” She says. “He told me to dance
with the customers.”
The bar didn’t have a dance floor.
Julia debated going back to work, but
her financial situation was clouding her
judgement. “I was really desperate
for the money at that point,” she says.
Even though they were paying her
lower than minimum wage and under
the table, she thought it was better
than nothing.
Before her next shift, Julia’s boss
asked her to meet him quickly before
work. She wasn’t sure about seeing
him again, but when he told her that
another woman she worked with,
Hannah, would be there, she felt safer
than meeting him alone.
“I met him an hour before work at the
other restaurant again, and he tells me
to sit down and shut up basically.”
Then she noticed that the other woman
she worked with wasn’t there.
I asked, “Oh, where’s Hannah?’”
and he responded saying, ‘She’s not
coming – I don’t like her.’”
So I responded by asking, “Then why
did you tell me she was coming?’ and
he said, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay – just sit
down and listen to me. I need you to
listen. I really like you, you seem like a
really nice gurl, you seem like a really
free spirit.”
I questioned how he got the impression
he did.
53
“’No, I can see you like men and
you’re really flirty, but you like women
too don’t you?’”
I let him know not to assume those
things about me and I also said, “You
can’t just say that to me – you’re
technically my boss.”
He then started to go into his history
about how he’s certified to do
injections and plastic surgery.
“He says: ‘I’m going to remove your
moles and fix your nose, your tattoos
are gone and I’m going to fix your
boobs,’” Julia shares with us.
“Now I’m thinking: Get the fuck out
of here, what is he talking about?’”
she says. “And I’m realizing that he’s
talking about going to Dubai – he let
me know: ‘I want you to work, and if
you like doing things on film for sex,
there’s kind of this work where you can
make twenty grand a month. It’s kind
of like that.’”
“Everything in my body was telling me
to run,” she says.
After piecing together the pictures in
her head, Julia started to see some
alarming terms about who she had
begun working for.
“He started to tell me he has an interest
in me because my background is
Russian – that’s the number one
most trafficked ethnicity. My family is
Mennonite, and we’re all very tall and
angular, and they like that look. So he
knew right away, and he said Russians
go for a really good price.”
Julia told her boss that she wasn’t
comfortable with the things he was
talking to her about, telling him that
she had come to the city to work in
the retail or serving industry and not do
anything else. She said she was sorry if
she gave him the wrong impression.
Before I left he said, “Just think about
it – and put one-hundred-dollars in my
hand.”
“He said: ‘I’m going to get you a place,
and after work come party with me
tonight at my place. I leave for Dubai
on Monday.’”
“It was Saturday that day, and so
Sunday would have been a day that
he was planning to drug me up the
whole day and somehow smuggle me
out of the country on Monday,” she
says. “Cause after he said all of this, I
said I wanted to go home and fix my
hair but he said: ‘No, you have to come
to the bar after this to work.’”
Julia had previously talked on the phone
with the restaurant manager, who said
that he didn’t think they needed servers
but that they were actually going to be
busy and had VIP sections.
Even though she didn’t want to be
around him, she knew that her boss
wasn’t lying when he said they needed
her to work.
“I fucking needed the money, so I was
said: ‘I’ll walk over and meet you there.
I’m going to grab some food or get a
breather.’ I just needed to get out of
there.”
Julia was caught in the dangerous
predicament of deciding between her
safety and financial security – an issue
a lot of women are facing more often,
despite having the gut feeling that they
don’t want to do it.
“I was at that desperate point and
that was the worst mistake. It was
that gut feeling – no gurl should ever
ignore that gut feeling when you’re in
that situation,” says Julia. “It was that
first feeling I got, and I ignored it and I
shouldn’t have. I should have said no at
the very beginning.”
Julia says that she’d heard horror stories
of women who didn’t listen to their gut,
but there were a number of reasons
that she used as excuses to ignore the
turning in her stomach.
“I was thinking: ‘Maybe he’s not that
bad, I’ll be safe there, there are body
guards there – there are other people
there that aren’t connected to him,’”
It was at that point that things escalated.
“I went to the bar and within the first half
hour he comes up to me with a yellow
crystal drug substance,” says Julia. “He
grabs me in the backroom and shoves
me in the bathroom and tells me to do
it. I’m sitting there panicking, thinking I
don’t care about any money now.”
“I was feeling so stupid. I was kicking
myself in the ass pretty hard.”
Julia quickly washed the substance off
her hands and rinsed it down the sink.
In the height of the adrenaline pumping
through her veins, she thought of her
options: Make a break for the exit if he
wasn’t standing there waiting for her,
or if he was, fake that she did the drugs
and then tell everyone that she was
feeling sick and that she had to leave.
Or, as a last resort, just run.
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“Obviously he was standing there waiting
for me and creepily lingering by me the
whole time,” she says.
“He grabbed my arm super tight, and
said: ‘I’m so fucking horny right now and
it’s all your fucking fault, you need to fix
this.’”
Julia knew now that she was in over her
head.
“That’s what abusers say, that’s what
rapists say, that’s what murderers say,
that’s what fucked up people say,” she
says.
After about fifteen minutes, Julia figured
that it was enough time for him to think
that the drugs had kicked in by now. She
told him she thought she ate something
bad and felt like she was going to puke
and needed to go home.
“He’s like: ‘Just go wait in my car,’” she
says.
“I almost broke my sick character for a
second because I was astonished how
he was being so obvious about it. Does
he think I’m actually that fucking dumb?
How many women has he fooled like
that?”
Terrified, Julia alluded to taking him up
on his offer, running down various streets
once she left in case someone was
following her. She called her roommate
in tears, and didn’t go back to the bar
again.
However extreme this story may
sound, women are increasingly finding
themselves in compromising positions in
their workplace. They ignore their intuition
over their financial goals, and that’s
when they find themselves in trouble.
Julia wants women to know that this
uneasy feeling shouldn’t be ignored, and
that while needing to make money is an
understandable reason for taking a job
they aren’t completely comfortable with,
it’s not worth sacrificing their safety.
Angry that women are being put in these
positions, Julia is glad to have shared her
story to possibly save another woman
from falling victim to a man like her
boss. “This story is about how men abuse
women and how it’s so hard for us to get
respect,” she says.
Julia has recently found employment at
another downtown bar in her city. She’s
also starting a second job at a clothing
store. Neither have given her the gut
feeling to run.
S E X & D AT I N G
THE FACES OF ‘FAKE’
SEXUALITIES
Caity Bell
Pansexual,
asexual,
demisexual,
genderqueer – if you’ve been
anywhere on the Internet lately, it’s
pretty likely you’ve come across many
of these terms or other similar ones.
However, many of those who identify
as such have been told they aren’t
valid. Or maybe they’re just confused.
One thing that’s often lost in this is the
voices of those who identify this way.
Sexuality is complicated. Everyone
who’s ever thought about their own
sexuality knows this. Maybe you lean a
little bit more towards guys, but oh my
goodness Natalie Dormer is gorgeous.
Or possibly you’re pretty into the ladies
and non-binary folk, but Alex Turner is
the most beautiful man you’ve ever
seen. We’ve all been there. When
you’re pansexual, you don’t have to
worry about picking sides, in betweens
or anything! As Cory, a sixteen-yearold cis-female lifeguard and student,
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puts it, “pansexual is attraction to all
genders. So it doesn’t matter if you’re
male, female or non binary.”
One thing often confused with
pansexuality is the difference between
it and something like bisexuality or
polysexuality. Bi-sexuality and Polysexuality denote two and multiple
sexualities, respectively. And those who
are pansexual don’t like ‘everyone’
either. They experience attraction just
like anyone else. Not all straight people
like everyone of the opposite sex and
not every gay person likes all people of
the same sex.
As far as coming out, Cory says, “I have
come out to my mom (at a Lady Gaga
concert of all places) and she has so
far been accepting to me... Most
people have been accepting. A few
people didn’t know what it was and
when I explained it, they didn’t exactly
see the difference between pan
and bisexual until further elaborated
on... I have heard of people denying
pansexual as a real sexuality but for me
everyone has been accepting.”
On the opposite side of the spectrum
from pansexuality lies asexuality. As I
spoke to Dawson Marshall, a twenty
year old cis-male student at Temple
University who identifies as asexual
heteroromantic, he provided this
definition of his own sexuality. “I don’t
feel sexually attracted to either gender
and am occasionally attracted to
certain women,” he says.
Many asexuals fall across the
spectrum of sexual and romantic
attraction as AV EN (Asexual Visibility
and Education Network) puts it, “an
asexual is someone who does not
experience sexual attraction. Unlike
celibacy, which people choose,
asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we
are... There is considerable diversity
among the asexual community; each
asexual person experiences things like
relationships, attraction and arousal
somewhat differently.”
As far as Dawson’s own experience,
he says, “I haven’t had any terrible
experiences in coming out. Everyone
has been fairly supportive and
has treated me no differently than
before. Most people haven’t heard of
asexuality and have a lot of questions. I
encourage this. The asexual community
has no civil rights issues of its own, only
lack of knowledge. Hence why our HQ
is named the Asexuality Visibility and
Education Network.”
“Some people have told
me that asexuality isn’t
real and that I just
haven’t met the right
woman. Or that I’m wrong
and I’m just gay and
haven’t realized it.”
Similarly on the asexual spectrum
lies demisexuality. Jack Wolfe, a
nineteen year old cis-male actor and
student at Virginia Commonwealth
University, identifies as such. As he
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put it, “demisexuality is essentially
when a person does not have a
sexual attraction to someone without
forming a romantic or other type of
personal relationship. This can be from
a romantic relationship or friendship or
anything like that.”
Being that demisexuality falls on the
asexual spectrum, AVEN also has many
resources on the subject like AVEN’s
Gray Area, a forum on the website for
those who identify in the gray area of
asexuality.
As far as coming out, Jack has had an
overall good experience. “Honestly
there hasn’t been much of a process.
I really only tell people if they ask
generally, because it’s my business,
and I’m not a huge fan of running
around and telling people about a
personal detail like that,” says Jack.
“I’ve told a few people who were
confused by it so I had to go a little
bit more in depth and some people
just don’t understand it at all, but most
people catch on pretty quick on what
it’s about.”
“It’s definitely strange and hard to
understand, but just support people
who do identify as a demisexual
because it was strange for me at first,
trying to understand my own sexuality.”
All of the identities discussed so far
have been that of sexual orientation.
However, there are alternative gender
identities as well. There’s the standard
male, female identification, and over
the years female-to-male and maleto-female trans* folks have been
making more and more progress as
far as visibility. What many people
are unaware of are the other gender
identities included in the trans* label.
Those who identify under this can range
from demi men and women, agender
and as Lina, a seventeen-year-old
student, identifies as genderqueer.
As genderqueer, Lina prefers they/
them pronouns, “My gender is never
exclusively male or female. Some days
I am more feminine and other days I’m
more masculine, but most of the time I
lie somewhere in the middle.”
When the gender binary is so strictly
enforced, Lina has had some difficulties
with some typical reactions ranging
from: ‘What? That doesn’t make sense!
There are women and men.
f you want, but you can’t be in
between’ – to: ‘What kind of crotch
surgery would that even be?’
As far as the queer community goes,
Lina has received mixed reactions,
“...A lot people in the community seem
to brush it off. They aren’t full on mean
but they don’t attempt to use my
pronouns and they often forget I ever
expressed myself to begin with. For
some reason this tends to come from
cisgender gay men.”
“We aren’t attention seekers. A lot of us
aren’t even open about it because we
are afraid of what people will say. We
aren’t indecisive, we just don’t fit the
genders that society has for us.”
With the strict lines of sexuality and
gender that society has enforced for
millennia, Cory, Dawson, Jack and Lina
have their share of difficulties ahead.
But broadening acceptance is slowly
making its way in a future in which less
common sexualities are accepted.
57
Words from Cory can accurately
summarize the main issue: “I’d just like
people to be more aware... for people
to start accepting it as a real thing.”
Those looking for resources on the
sexualities mentioned above may find
resources at:
The Asexual Visibility and Education
Network (AVEN): asexuality.org
The Trevor Project: thetrevorproject.org
Empty Closets: emptyclosets.com
LIFE
Why ‘Girl
Crush’ is
the New
‘No Homo’
With more women coming
out than before,
does your girl crush mean
you’re gay?
Cecilia Levine
Statements
using
the
new
#WomanCrushWednesday
hashtag
continue to pour in through social media
platforms. Female fans of the Beyonce
bandwagon insist they would trade
lives with the prosperous powerhouse
to be a part of the alleged Illuminati
organization, and for features of her
body. Same-sex infatuation transcends
from celebrities to us, and more and
more women are starting to embrace
the beauty in their fellow females.
crushes have become a natural part
of femininity.
The term ‘girl crush’ has established
itself as common jargon of the current
generation and has been legitimized
by Urban Dictionary as: “Feelings of
admiration and adoration which a girl
has for another girl, without wanting to
shag said girl; a nonsexual attraction,
usually based on veneration at some
level.” Same-sex attraction has become
somewhat of a social fad, and girl
While at one point in time we may
have only idolized a female for her
“IDGAF” (I Don’t Give A Fuck) attitude
and perfectly glossed lips, we’re now
starting to admire female professors for
their intelligence and ability to balance
a personal and professional life. Girl
crushes are separate from romantic
relationships. It is not about being in her
bed – rather we want to be on the list of
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I’ve noticed from a young age that
we seek qualities in other females, and
we use females as role models and
mentors to provide us with inspiration
for our futures. It’s become ingrained
in us to befriend women who already
possess qualities we yearn to acquire
in hopes of emulating those who have
created paths we also hope to follow.
people she considers cool enough to
associate with. We become obsessed
with getting our names on their radars.
Fiction writer Jonathon Caroll put it
perfectly:
“Even the handsomest
men do not have the
same momentary effect
on the world as a truly
beautiful woman does.”
There’s something so mystifying about
women that interest both queer and
straight females.
In 1948, sexologist Alfred Kinsey
suggested that not all people are
exclusively homosexual or heterosexual
and people may feel or act on thoughts
that are not necessarily in congruence
with their orientation based on his
scale. In layman terms, Kinsey wasn’t
shocked when the participants in
his study started fan-girling and bromancing all over each other.
A more recent study by the National
Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles
(NATSAL) found that women are more
likely to develop feelings of intimacy in
platonic relationships with women than
those between men. While only 4% of
women and 6% of men admitted to
hetero-flexibility in 1991, NATSAL found
that 16% of women would explore
their sexuality with another woman in
contrast to the 7% of men who said the
same about exploring their sexuality
with another man.
It’s safe to conclude that women
are more sexually fluid and flexible
than men are. The liberal nature of
women today better fosters sexual
acceptance, compared to the more
traditional societal views of the early
‘90s. More women are coming forward,
but this isn’t to be confused with rates
of women coming out.
As an eleven-year-old, I was unsure
of what to make of the feelings I
experienced around my first girl
crush. I knew that I wasn’t a KinseySix because just a few weeks prior I
had been fantasizing about kissing a
59
boy in my class. Still, I was infatuated
with everything about her; from the
way her camouflage-green mini skirt
showcased her long dancer legs, to
the way she high-fived the boys and
caused envy among all the girls. My
priorities shifted from academics to my
new female fixation. I climbed my way
up the social ladder from the new girl,
to the cool girl and most importantly, I
became her girl.
After three years my girl crush
transformed into my best friend and
she supported me through the ups
and downs of adolescence. Since my
tweens I’ve had more girl crushes than
I can count. Some, I have engaged
in sexual experimentation, and others
remained a crush.
While the term ‘no homo’ has a
negative connotation and the term
‘girl crush’ doesn’t, there’s still blame
being placed on females who choose
to openly admire other females with
the use of two words. Even in a world
that claims to have progressed in
being more accepting of all sexual
orientations based on the evidence
collected by NATSAL’s study and the
legalization of gay marriage, fashion
author Nicolette Mason, who also
happens to be gay, claims the tem
‘girl crush’ has become the female
counterpart to the phrase ‘no homo.’
The boldness, beauty and charisma
of women make it easier for us to
love them. Women should not have
to put a label on their sexuality, and
if they choose to, queerness should
be defined by their own standards.
Shouldn’t girls be given the right to
admire other women the same way it
is allowed by heterosexuals? Girl on girl
appreciation does not equal a big, fat,
lesbian crush, despite what we heard
when watching Mean Girls.
Crisis averted. Your girl crush is totes
normal.
E N T E R TA I N M E N T
Grace’s
Guide Book:
The Art of Pretending to
Be A Grown Up
Caity Bell
Ask just about anyone who
their favorite YouTuber is
and it’s pretty likely many
of them will answer “Grace
Helbig!” Since 2008, Grace
has been building her online
video empire best known for
her DailyGrace vlogs and
her relatively new channel,
it’sGrace. After leaving My
Damn Channel, Grace
embarked on a daunting
and scary task – restarting
her channel. Not only
did she succeed, she
significantly surpassed
the already 1 million
followers she had
on her DailyGrace
channel. The move
was
difficult,
especially since
she was hardly
allowed
to
promote
it
on her old
channel, so
60
she mainly relied on word of mouth
from friends Tyler Oakley, Hannah Hart
and Mamrie Hart to share it with their
audiences.
Turns out, this gurl made a good call.
Now Grace is working multiple new
projects which include an E! comedy
talk show with the working title, the
Grace Helbig Project and a comedy
travel show Hey USA! where her and
Mamrie Hart travel to American cities
to add their offbeat, alcohol-fueled
humor across the country. Grace also
recently starred in the movie Camp
Takota with Mamrie Hart and Hannah
Hart.
Sounds like the dream right? But wait –
there’s more. This past summer Grace
and her best friends mentioned above
(known as the Holy Trinity by their fans)
went on a national live comedy tour
in which all of them were able to get
back to their roots of live comedy.
Oh, and she also wrote her own book,
Grace’s Guide: The Art of Pretending
To Be A Grown Up.
attacks. Grace frequently describes
herself as somebody who suffers from
panic attacks and anxiety. Showing
her resilience to a very difficult issue
that many people struggle with, she
demonstrates through her own words
that it can get better for those with
anxiety as they become older and
learn how to better cope with it.
Grace feels a certain responsibility
to her prominently female young
audience. She says, “I think if you ask
people why they watch me, there
would be some common thread
among all of them that I’m somewhat
of an awkward older sister. I have a
teen, mostly female demographic.
How that happened, I don’t know.
But I think they see me as some sort of
bizarre role model, and I’ll keep trying
to do that for them.”
v
Personally I’m not entirely convinced
she did this all on her own and may be
using some sort of Orphan Black-esque
cloning. Yet there she is, doing it all.
Grace’s Guide Book is to be released
on October 21st of this year, and is filled
with hilarious anecdotes for millennials
navigating the daunting adult world.
One of the notable stories Grace tells
is about when she was a semi-finalist
in the 2005 Miss New Jersey contest,
which she speaks about in an interview
with Joan Rivers.
“I was maybe the most
homely contestant at the
time... I don’t know if you
can tell by the sparkle
sweatpants I’m wearing.”
Alongside her funny anecdotes,
Grace also shares some very personal
stories in her book. One subject very
close to her is the subject of panic
61
Pick up Grace’s Guide Book in stores
October 21st and don’t forget to tweet
how much you love it to @gracehelbig
and @flurtmagazine.
REWRITING MAINSTREAM MEDIA
FOR YOUNG WOMEN by young women
JOIN THE MOVEMENT AT WWW.FLURTMAG .COM
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