Letter to the Editor - Virginia Law Weekly

Friday, 12 November 2010
Volume 63, Number 12
INSIDE
“Don’t Put Twinkies On Your Pizza!!!”.................................................... 3
Student Talks About His Favorite Baseball Team................................ 5
Dis’-Bar Review................................................................................. 4
After PILA, Creature Comforts........................................................... 6
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948
U.Va. Trial Ad
Team Wins
Regional
Competition,
Heads to
Nationals
around north
grounds
Thumbs up to the
PILA Auction, but be
careful what you bid
on: Driving around all
day between bank branches looking for a split-panchet 1954 nickel
to help Prof. O’Connell bolster
his coin collection is a lot less fun
than it sounds.
Gary Lawkowski ’11
News Editor
Trial “Team Orange,” one of
the Law School’s trial advocacy teams, has advanced to the
ABA Labor and Employment
Law Competition nationals after defeating 15 other teams in
the regional competition held
Oct. 30-31 in Washington.
The case for this year’s competition revolved around a
wrongful-termination claim alleging that cancer was a motivating factor in the firing of an
employee. U.Va.’s trial team,
representing the employer, had
to overcome written statements
from their client indicating suspect motivations. The biggest
challenge for the team — consisting of Andrew Bentz ’12,
Sara Clingan ‘12, John Heath
’11, and Yuji Huang ’12 — was
the fact pattern itself, particularly some of the party admissions, said Clingan.
This is the second year U.Va.
has advanced to nationals in
this competition. Last year, a
team that included Bentz, Clingan, and Heath won the regional competition and advanced to
the semi-finals in the national
competition. “This year’s competition was more challenging, which is always good,”
said Bentz. “We had to work
very hard, but learned so much
through the process.”
This learning curve was particularly salient for the team’s
newest member. “This was my
first year on the trial ad team,
and at first I had no idea what
to expect in this first competition,” said Huang. “The other
team members were so helpful
and talented, and they taught
me so much.” According to
Heath, “Everyone on the team
was dedicated to advocating as
forcefully as possible for our
case, and our ability to work together as a team really helped
put us over the top.”
The team, coached by Maj.
Matthew Fitzgerald of the
Army JAG corps, said they still
have room for improvement before the national competition in
Los Angeles, but, in the meantime, will enjoy a brief respite
for exams. The finals will take
place in Los Angeles on Jan. 29
and 30.
“We were overjoyed when
we won. I’m so glad that our
hard work paid off and that
we get to do it all over again in
L.A.,” said Bentz.
Thumbs down to
the continued inability
of the Student Records
Office to effectively activate LawReg or even effectively
send an e-mail. Derek Leach is
getting tired of reminding Dean
Bennett that, before he can do
anything on his computer, it has
to be plugged in.
photos by April Reeves ‘12
Wine and Line
Students enjoyed a reception on Nov. 4 in Scott Commons hosted by the SBA Student/Faculty Relations Committee. Left, students wait in line for bite-size morsels of cheese, while right, the wine flows. Students filled the
room, mostly devouring the cheese within the first half-hour of the event, but only a handful of faculty members
attended.
Proposition 8 Litigators
Present Their Cases
April Russo ’11
Contributor
On Monday, the Law School
hosted Jordan Lorence of the
Alliance Defense Fund and
Matt McGill of Gibson Dunn
for a debate on Proposition 8,
California’s recently passed
constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. A U.S. District Court recently held that
Proposition 8 violated the 14th
Amendment of the U.S. Constitution in Perry v. Schwarzenegger. The 9th Circuit will hear
the case on appeal on Dec. 6.
McGill represents one of the
plaintiffs in the litigation, and
Lorence represents an intervenor defendant arguing that
Proposition 8 is constitutional.
Prof. Thomas Nachbar was the
moderator for the debate. Each
side had 10 minutes to present
their arguments and a 3 minute
rebuttal period.
Lorence spoke first, describing how societies across different cultures have all chosen
to regulate the marital relationship. In Lorence’s opinion,
this is because the common
experience of these different
societies has been that, without marriage, men tend to act
irresponsibly, women are ex-
ploited, and children are neglected. He explained that children in homes without fathers
are much more likely to drop
out of school and to end up in
prison. In the second part of his
opening statement, Lorence argued that, because there is no
constitutional right to same-sex
marriage, courts should leave
the issue to the legislature.
McGill started by outlining
the points of agreement between the two sides, namely
that marriage is beneficial for
society and that marriage-like
substitutes are not as beneficial
for society as actual marriages.
He then argued that denying
same-sex couples the right to
marriage is state-sponsored
discrimination, and the state
cannot discriminate unless it
has a good reason to do so. According to McGill, the state has
advanced no good reasons for
denying the right to marriage
to same-sex couples. Although
he said that he thinks heightened scrutiny should apply in
the pending litigation, he argued that the government has
failed to meet its burden even
under a rational-basis standard
of review.
In Lorence’s rebuttal, he focused on explaining the reasons
that all marriages are regulated
even though only some married
couples actually have children.
He explained that it would be
overly intrusive and administratively burdensome for the
state only to extend the right
of marriage to those heterosexual couples who were going
to have children. Some married
couples initially think they are
not going to have children and
later change their minds.
In his rebuttal, McGill discussed the lack of a governmental purpose served in denying
marriage to same-sex couples.
After the rebuttals, Nachbar asked each debater several
questions. He then opened up
the floor to student questions.
Lorence and McGill hashed out
the slippery-slope argument
and the argument that permitting same-sex marriage will
lead to the legalization of polygamy and incest. They also
clashed about whether the children of committed same-sex
couples reap the same benefits
as children of married heterosexual couples.
This event was sponsored by
Lambda Law Alliance, the Federalist Society, and the American Constitution Society.
Thumbs up to the
peer resume review
service, where 1Ls
looking for jobs have
their resumes reviewed by 2Ls
and 3Ls that are in all probability
competing with them for those
same jobs. This explains that 1L
recently seen walking into an
interview carrying a resume in a
27-point fulvous Matisse font bulleted with emoticons and printed
on wax paper.
Thumbs up to acting
as a witness in others’
Trial Ad proceedings.
Regardless of what
the trial is about or who ANG is
supposed to be, ANG recently
memorized all of Jack Nicholson’s lines from A Few Good Men
and fully intends to use them.
Thumbs down to
the group of 1L dudes
who scheduled a secret private mixer with
an undergraduate sorority. ANG
gets that each of you prefers to hit
on impressionable teenagers —
but doing this now threatens to
detract from the fun it will be later
when, as an attorney, you destroy
your family by screwing around
with your 23-year-old bimbo secretary.
Thumbs down to
the Wine and Cheese
Reception,
which
served the latter by
unceremoniously
dumping it into plastic bowls
like dog food. Also, fine wine
shouldn’t be scooped out of a
cooler with a Dixie Cup.
Thumbs
down
to things being stolen out of students’
mailboxes.
Given
the overwhelming amount of
damning evidence left behind,
ANG has determined that the
thief is Rock The Tailor.
2
News & Faculty Forum
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
Friday, 12 November 2010
Letter to the Editor
Hole Heroes
Above, Carl Hennies ‘13 and Matt Schwee ‘13, the “Hole Stuffers,”
emerged victorious in the Human Rights Study Project charity cornhole tournament as it concluded on Oct. 29. Below, Dan Morgenstern
‘11, Terrell Ussing ‘12, Scott Voelker ‘11 and Bub Windle ‘11 won the
NGSL/HRSP Golf Tournament on Sunday with a 10-under-par score of
62. The tournament was held at Birdwood Golf Course.
Virginia
Law Weekly
COLOPHON
COLOPHON
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Managing Editor
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Production Editor
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News Editor
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Entertainment Editor
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Features Editor
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Photography Editor
Kristin Russell
Business Manager
Aimee Fausser
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Cory Stott
Faculty Forum Editor
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Web Editor
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Associate News Editor
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Associate Columns Editor
Joe Budd
Associate Production Editor
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F. Schauer (Speaking to student): I was with you until the
last sentence.
Student: Then I take that
part back.
J. Harrison: (receiving Halloween candy) Double-dipped
Nerds?
Student: Those are good.
You're going to enjoy those.
J. Jefferies: I’m a lawyer. I
teach law. I don’t teach living
in the world.
D. Brown: Is anybody from
New Jersey?
[long pause]
Come on. You don't have to be
embarassed.
R. Schragger: Here's this
house in the path of a proposed
Phone: 434.924.3070
Fax: 434.924.7536
[email protected]
www.lawweekly.org
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win converts, this issue requires
sensitivity. Also, in defense of the
decision to run the “Paw Review”
photo, it should be acknowledged
that the “Paw Review” contest
brought in almost 10 times as
much money as the “Cutest Kid
Photo Contest.” Furthermore,
the Animal Law Society is truly a
non-partisan organization; unfortunately, this does not seem to be
the case with the Law Advocates
for Life, as I realized during the
first meeting as the group raffled
off copies of the Heritage Foundation’s Guide to the Constitution.
Finally, the negligible amount
raised for the VLAFL contest
— as, I imagine, there are more
pro-life students here than that
amount would evince — bears
out the fact that there was something wrong with the contest. If
VLAFL is truly determined to
address the problem of abortion,
perhaps next year they will consider a fundraising strategy less
trivializing and foolish.
Drew Givens ‘11
[email protected]
railroad. What should I charge
for it? One hundred million
dollars! [Makes Dr. Evil pinky
gesture.]
R. Balnave: Whenever anybody says they're behind you,
ask how far behind.
M. Riley: I assume most of
you are loved and cared for.
When you're old, smelly, and
crotchety, the love for you may
diminish.
F. Schauer: It is with some
frequency that my collegues
here comment about the frequency with which I am quoted in the Law Weekly. . . . Someone in this class has very low
standards of humor. . . . And,
of course, there are people who
resent the fact that people in
this class think that I am amusing, because they think they are
more amusing than I am and
they aren’t quoted as much.
J. Setear: Don't try to sandbag your outlines, because then
I'll be upset and I tend to get arbitrary when that happens.
J. Jefferies: Well, I have a
real pistol in my desk, because
I don't screw around.
M. Riley: I often call the
Equal Protection Clause the "I
Don't Have A Real Argument
Clause."
M. Gilbert: I'm almost sure
this is right. Because I heard
it from Caleb Nelson, and he's
never wrong.
F. Schauer: I have a dispute
with the Internal Revenue Service. They think I ought to pay
my taxes by April 15. I think
I ought to pay my taxes when
I’m in the mood.
the docket
Today
The Weekend
Monday
Nov. 12
12 p.m. -- U.S. Dept. of Justice, Civil Division, presentation, hosted by the Public Service Center (WB 126)
Nov. 13
11:30 a.m. – Information Session and IRS Training, hosted
by Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA) (WB 126)
9 p.m. – MAD PILA: 2nd
Annual Auction and Dance
(Omni Hotel, Downtown
Mall)
Nov. 15
11:30 a.m – “The Future of
Communication Law and Policy,” lecture with Kyle McSlarrow, part of the Cable Mavericks
Lecture Series (WB 102)
12 p.m. – Lecture with Elliot
Visconsi, part of the Law & Humanities Speaker Series (Faculty
Lounge)
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Nov. 16
12 p.m. – 2nd Fall Blood
Drive, hosted by SBA (student
Lounge 2 & 3)
4 p.m. – “The Supreme Court,
Social Change, and Political
Backlash,” lecture with Prof.
Michael Klarman, sponsored by
the Center for the Study of Race
and Law (Caplin Pavilion)
Nov. 17
3:30 p.m. – Fellowship Talk
with Rebecca Vallas, Cary
Brege, and Amy Woolard,
hosted by the Public Service
Center (SL 298)
5 p.m. – Screening of Copyright Criminals, discussion,
and a lecture by Prof. Siva
Vaidhyanathan, sponsored by
The Virginia Society of Law
and Technology (Caplin Auditorium)
Nov. 18
12 p.m. -- U.S. Dept. of Justice,
Criminal Division presentation,
hosted by the Public Service
Center (WB 126)
4 p.m. – Afternoon keg, SBA
(Spies Garden)
Chris Wimbush
Associate Features Editor
April Russo, Jason Norinsky, Ben Pulliam
Kate Barry
Jack Herman
confront the “face of abortion,” or
something to that effect. But I’m
not sure in what sense the contest
forced us to confront the issue.
If VLAFL is somehow equating
these children with abortion, the
contest is more than a little disingenuous and even offensive. First,
the last time I checked, infanticide
was still covered by the criminal
codes of all 50 states. If VLAFL
wants to actually show the face
of abortion in a contest, maybe
they should host a “Cutest Fetus
Contest” – that at least would be
intellectually honest. Moreover,
what about the non-cute babies?
Are we to take the contest as a
subtle reminder that only attractive kids are worth something?
On a more serious note, by presenting the children of U.Va. Law
students as the touchstone for
viewing the issue, the contest fails
to acknowledge that abortion is a
deeply painful choice that individuals often make under fairly
extreme circumstances: poverty,
youth, lack of family support, and
potentially even rape. To actually
faculty quotes
A. Woolhandler: You’re
picking up on my callousness.
That’s not good.
Chris Mincher
Editor-in-Chief
Jordan Fox
Executive Editor
On Oct. 29, Law Weekly published a letter to the editor excoriating the paper for not running a photo of the winner from
the Virginia Law Advocates for
Life’s “Cutest Kid Photo Contest,” although it has in the past
published the winning photos
from the Virginia Animal Law
Society’s “Paw Review.” I want
to take a moment to state why the
paper made the right choice in not
running the photo. First, though, I
want to say that I am pro-life, and
when I heard about the creation
of VLAFL this year I was initially
pleased to find a supposedly nonpartisan group focused on this issue.
For many people I’ve spoken
with, some of whom are also prolife, the contest evoked a gut-level
negative reaction. But why? On
the face of it, nothing could seem
more innocuous than a cutest-kid
contest. What is troubling, however, is that VLAFL seemed to
offer the contest — and this was
borne out in the letter to the editor — as a means of forcing us to
Friday, 12 November 2010
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
Columns, Features & Faculty Forum
3
professor roulette
Marcia Day Childress
Ethical Values
Undergraduate:
Michigan
State ‘70
Master’s: Virginia ‘76
Doctorate: Virginia ‘96
One stereotype doctors have
about lawyers: That doctors
are more “noble” than lawyers.
An unusual book on your
bookshelf: Sleeping Beauty: Memorial Photography in America,
a coffee-table book of 19th and
early 20th century photographs
of recently dead and dying persons. I bought it for a course I
teach on death in America. The
advent of photography made it
possible for persons other than
the wealthy — who commissioned paintings, massive and
miniature — to memorialize
in portraiture their loved ones
who had died. Because people
usually sat for photographs
only when they attained certain
life milestones, such as marriage, families whose offspring
died in infancy or childhood
sometimes had their children
photographed
postmortem.
The pictures in the book —
some elaborately framed, some
made to fit inside lockets —
come from New York ophthalmologist Stanley Burns’ collection of postmortem photos. In
our death-averse society, these
images are strange, even ghastly to behold. Interestingly, today, families whose children
die at birth or soon after are encouraged to have their infants
photographed, so there’s a visual record to carry forward.
Also, a couple years ago, I saw
a visitor to a funeral home take
a quick cell-phone snapshot of
the body in the casket!
Least important issue you’ve
seen argued in the Faculty
Senate: It sounds frivolous, but
periodically the Faculty Senate has debated the need for
dedicated space where faculty
from across the University can
gather for a meal. Other universities have faculty dining
rooms or clubs that function
as both social and work space
— why not U.Va.? It seems to
me the issue has faded as more
cafés have cropped up around
or adjacent to Grounds. The debate these days might well be
more focused: Starbucks versus
Greenberry’s versus Para Coffee versus Shenandoah Joe?
photo courtesy of UVA Today
Childress
An unfortunate thing that’s
happened to you on a camping
trip: I’m not much of a camper;
never have been. But I did travel the Northeast and Midwest in
a VW bus the summer of 1971.
My folk-singing partner Steve
and I loaded our guitars and
an old mattress into his 1963
bus and hit the road in search
of gigs from Hartford to Boston to Detroit to Chicago. We
found warm receptions in clubs
and bars all along the road, but
we made very little money —
so the bus was home. I don’t
know which was worse, sleep-
ing with guitar cases wedged
alongside or facing the same
“homemade” breakfast every
morning: a peanut butter sandwich and grapefruit sections
spooned straight from the can.
After the summer, I returned to
graduate school, but Steve has
done music for a living ever
since out West, and has three
CDs to his credit.
Most bizarre research proposal you’ve ever seen from a
medical student: Thankfully,
truly bizarre research brainstorms don’t survive to the
formal proposal stage. But the
most unusual medical humanities research project I’ve overseen involved the making of a
doll. With a goal of teaching
human anatomy to children,
a fourth-year medical student
— herself a mother of two and
an accomplished seamstress —
spent six weeks constructing a
life-size child mannequin. This
was a family project, as her sixyear-old son provided the body
pattern and the grandmother
who’d taught her to sew donated the fabric remnants used
in constructing the doll. The result was an adorable soft figure
whose torso unzipped down
the midline to reveal brightlycolored organs — all anatomically correct, all removable,
and some, such as the heart,
with Velcroed window-flaps
permitting peeps at structures
inside. Another zipper hidden
among tangled yarn curls at
the back of the head allowed
removal of the intricately articulated brain that snapped to
the spinal column. Returning
to the office after vacation, I
found this finished “boy,” clad
in a U.Va.-print patient gown
and matching boxers, jauntily
posed in my rocking chair.
You’re Killing Me, Smalls
The ‘80s brought us a rash
of classic teen movies. Who
could ever forget Porky’s, The
Lee Gilley ‘11
Associate Columns
Editor
Breakfast Club,
Ferris Bueller’s
Day Off, Footloose, Revenge of
the Nerds, Fast
Times at Ridgemont High? Love
‘em or hate ‘em, these movies
are classics that defined a decade. The new millennium has
been dominated, thus far, by the
supernatural, as flocks of semirabid fans flooded the theaters
decked out in the latest vampire, werewolf, wizard, superhero, zombie gear.
But what about the ‘90s?
What happened between the
time of the teen and the millennium of the magical? After
suffering through Zathura, the
reimagining of Jumanji, and the
latest rendition of The Karate
Kid, I realized two things. First,
I have a possibly unhealthy love
precedential
papers
November 12,
1990
This is why it’s so
hard to be a Supreme
Court clerk: because
they have to answer
the tough questions.
Thank goodness for
clerks. Here’s a tip:
If you’re looking for
the Supreme Court’s
obscene film archive, just ask Justice
Thomas. (Be sure you
knock first.)
of children’s movies. Second,
today’s children are getting
screwed by these substandard
attempts at entertainment. Sure,
the kids of this millennium have
benefited from some smashing
animated films (i.e. the Shrek series, Toy Story 3, The Incredibles,
Finding Nemo), but the art of the
live-action children’s movie has
disappeared. We, on the other
hand, grew up in the Golden
Age of children’s films. And we
are a mere five days from the
20th anniversary that launched
us into this unprecedented period of cinema glory. On Nov.
16, 1990, Home Alone hit the silver screen. So, without further
ado, here is my rambling commemoration of sweet children’s
movies and the lessons we can
all learn from them.
KKKKEEEEVVVVINNNN!
The shrill phrase that launched
a revolution. BE GONE teen
movies. The era of the child actor had begun. While Macauley
Culkin operated S-O-L-O, producing classics such as Home
Alone, Home Alone 2: Lost in New
York, and Richie Rich, the truly
great teen movies came when
masses of these talented actors
banded together to form teams.
Where would be today if
the Mighty Ducks had never
quacked their way to pee-wee
hockey glory? We certainly
wouldn’t have the slow quack.
We wouldn’t call rich kids
“cake-eater.” And I suspect that
I am not the only one who decided to come to law school in
hopes that one day I would get
a DUI and be forced to perform
community service coaching
a pee-wee hockey team. Then
there is the story of the little
engines that could. With their
ridiculously hopeful “ONE
TIME” motto, the Ice Box, Hot
Hands, Rad Tad, and Gasman
captured our hearts and sailed
to victory thanks in no small
part to the legendary “Annexation of Puerto Rico.” These
movies showed me that underdogs can win and that a DUI
might actually be a net positive.
While these teams were often
supervised by adults such as
Emilio Estevez or Rick Moranis,
who I contend looks like a nerdy
version of professor and PILA
MC Josh Bowers, some of these
adventurous bands eschewed
the traditional adult coach in favor of freedom. The kids from
The Sandlot did not need adults
to beat that preppy team wearing real uniforms. They did not
need adults to swallow and
subsequently throw up chew
while riding a spinning fair
ride. Smalls, of “You’re killing
me, Smalls” fame, did not need
adults to get out of “the biggest pickle of his life.” Squints
Palledorous did not need adults
to parlay a fake drowning into
a makeout session with Wendy
Peffercorn. And Benny “The
Jet” Rodriguez did not need
adults to outrace THE BEAST.
(Note: He did need PF Flyers.)
This band of gutsy kids showed
us what it means to be free.
Of course, child actors did
not always form sports teams.
Sometimes, for instance, they
went to fat camp instead. Those
loveable chubbies from Heavyweights showed the d-bag jocks
from Camp MVP that washboard abs do not guarantee
life success or victories. In the
final competition, these champions “repulsed the monkey”
and regained their lunch privileges, which had previously
been “canceled due to lack of
hustle.” Love of this movie has
evolved into my increasingly
well-documented love of John
Daly, and taught us the value of
loving our bodies and believing
in ourselves.
At least three of the children
who didn’t play sports decided
not to go to fat camp, and, instead, spent the summer at their
grandfather’s house training to
be ninjas. Luckily, some hero
documented their summer and
subsequent abduction to bring
us the highly underrated classic 3 Ninjas. These kids showed
us how to “kick some serious
butt,” and Rocky showed us
how to begin awkward teen romances (he really did love Emily).
In conclusion, “Yes, sir, Mr.
Ducksworth. Thank you very
much, Mr. Ducksworth. Quack,
quack, quack, Mr. Ducksworth.”
[email protected]
4
Entertainment
outside north
grounds
Nov. 12 – U.Va.
Jazz Ensemble performs in Old Cabell
Hall, 8 p.m., $10, $5
for students. ONG wants to get
into jazz. Not so much because
ONG enjoys jazz music, but because ONG really digs berets,
which people seem willing to
allow if you claim to be into
jazz.
Nov. 12-13 – U.Va.
Dance presents the
Fall Dance Concert
in Helms Theatre, 8
p.m. with a 2 p.m. showing on
Saturday, $10, $5 for students.
ONG is nervous that attending
this performance might cause a
flashback to that night at Three
when ONG and a stranger got
a little too handsy on the dance
floor. It’s O.K. though. It’s not
like a hundred strangers saw it
happen, right?
Nov. 13 – Charlottesville
National
Stand-Up
Comedy
Series presents David Foster at the Play On! Theatre, 7:30 p.m., $15. Foster has
been involved in MTV’s Boiling
Points, Showtime’s Whiteboyz In
The Hood, and CMT’s Prankville.
None of these titles inspire
much confidence in ONG, who
is morally opposed to the use of
the letter “z” to create a plural.
Nov. 13-20 – 5th
Annual Friends of the
Library Fall Book Sale
at the Gordon Avenue Library, 10 a.m.-7 p.m. Buy
books, music, and movies with
proceeds going towards programs of the Jefferson-Madison
Regional Library. Half-price
day on Nov. 20. The website
for this event states that the
“valuable and attractive” books
won’t be available until the
spring sale, which just seems
like pretty poor advertising.
Nov. 14 – Rhapsody Ballet presents
The Nutcracker in
Old Cabell Hall, 8
p.m., $5. ONG’s father used to
buy ONG a nutcracker every
year for Christmas. ONG has a
pretty severe nut allergy. Very
funny, dad.
Nov. 14 – OFFScreen
presents
screenings of Fish
Tank in Newcomb
Hall Theater, 7 p.m. and 9:30
p.m., $3. Fish Tank follows
15-year-old Mia’s life, which
is turned on its head when her
mother brings home a new boyfriend. ONG’s life was turned
on its head when ONG found
out that it’s actually “for all
intents and purposes” and not
“for all intensive purposes”
freshman year of undergrad.
ONG was born premature.
Nov. 18 – An Evening with Diana
Krall at the Paramount Theater, 8
p.m., $61.50-97.50. Krall married Elvis Costello in a ceremony at Elton John’s house, which
is interesting because sweater
vests are stupid.
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
Friday, 12 November 2010
The Corner Ain’t
What It Used to Be,
Nor Was It Good
In the First Place
A Review of Alternative
Bar Review Locations
unique Charlottesville
establishment where
large pieces
of the ceiling
photo courtesy of durtynellyscville.com collapse
on
your
head.
Chris Mincher ’11
Clearly, it takes a special type
Editor-in-Chief
of customer to survive. Indeed, someone recently deOne of the most nonsensi- scribed Durty Nelly’s patrons
cal aspects of U.Va. Law social as “characters,” which means,
life is that first-year students “people you wouldn’t expect
select the location for Bar Re- to encounter in reality.” When
view. There are a few reasons grizzled, aging, psychotic sewhy this is a bad idea: Not only rial killers escape the asylum,
do first-years have the least Durty Nelly’s is their first stop
amount of knowledge about to unwind and wash the blood
the local bar scene, they also off their makeshift spork-shivs.
are the least interested in the Surprisingly, this bar does not
quality of bars—do we really serve hard liquor; this is for
expect nice places to go out to the best, as the stomachs of the
be chosen by a group of people bar’s loyal customers have been
who willingly choose to live in eroded by years of alcoholism
Ivy Gardens?
to the thickness of Saran wrap,
Thus, first-years, still locked to the point where a teaspoon
into their sad undergrad men- of cough medicine would turn
talities, force the rest of us each their internal organs into a
week to be herded like cattle formless guts jambalaya.
into the same crowded Corner establishments, until we
Lazy Parrot (532 Pantops
get bored and just stop going. Center, 434-977-1020, www.laUnfortunately, students do not zyparrotgrill.com)
get to experience the diverse
drinking establishments Charlottesville has to offer, and,
more tragically, the perfect
pun of “Bar Review” ceases to
have true meaning. Law students may never guzzle beer
out of humongous glass boots
at Horse and Hound (625 West
Main St., 434-293-3365, horseandhoundgastropub.com),
hoist Bavarian steins at 12 th
Street (1202 West Main St., 434photo courtesy of cvilleshop.com
202-0764), relax rooftop at The
Local (824 Hinton Ave., 434A more fitting name for Lazy
984-9749), or showcase their Parrot might be “Seriously,
booty-shaking skills on stage at What The F*ck Is Taking This
West Main (333 West Main St., Parrot So Long To Serve Me A
434-293-2605).
Drink?” One might as well orOf course, change takes time. der a shot of Goldschlager via
We can’t readily leap from UPS standard shipping than exscooping the bartender’s dan- pect the staff to get it; the speed
druff out of our Miller Lite at at which you get your order is
Biltmore to shelling out $10 directly tied to how long it takes
for jalapeno mojitos at Zocalo. your server to finish having sex
Luckily, there are more than with a drunk biker on the floor
a few local joints every bit as behind the bar. (But, hey, look
filthy and disgusting as the on the bright side: If you want
crap-shacks that the first-years to have semi-public sex with
currently select for Bar Review. a skank bartender in a sticky
Below are a few forcefully un- pool of stale Natural Light, the
refined places that first-years Lazy Parrot is where you want
would do well to consider, and to be.) The better option is to
thus begin a transformation to buy your beers by the bucket,
a day when Bar Review actual- though, judging by how long
ly lives up to its magnificently it takes that to arrive, it is safe
clever title.
to assume that the employees
are actually forging the bucket
Durty Nelly’s (2200 Jef- out of molten steel. Helping
ferson Park Ave., 434-295-1278, you kill time while you wait is
www.durtynellyscville.com)
video trivia, which pits you in
From its exterior, Durty heated competition against the
Nelly’s does not look very wel- one other patron who can read,
coming; indeed, to city build- and shuffleboard—at least,
ing inspectors, it may not look when the silicone beads haven’t
like any human beings should been used as litter by a wanderbe permitted inside at all. But, ing feral cat. Lazy Parrot, howfor those brave enough to ever, would be a viable option
step inside, Durty Nelly’s is a for nights when Bar Review co-
incides with the Big Game; 19
televisions mean the only plays
you miss are those you can’t
quite make out through the
thick haze of cigarette smoke.
(A separate, glass-enclosed
room awkwardly showcases
captive nonsmokers like a zoo
exhibit.)
Charlie’s (1522 E. High St.,
434-293-7232)
Charlie’s wouldn’t just be
a Bar Review, it would be an
“Old Local Drunk Men Silently Staring At Their Beer And
Weeping Review.” Charlie’s is
where the locals go to not have
jobs, happiness, or access to
sunlight. Fueling the feelings
of self-loathing is the parade of
the aggressively untalented local bands that perform on the
outdoor stage, many of which
sound like they are using their
electric guitars to play a game
of Whack-A-Mole. This, however, helps drive patronage
from the outdoor deck back
inside, where one can saddle
up to the bar and order up a
tall cool glass of lung cancer.
If Charlie’s isn’t the fanciestlooking place in town, that’s
only because the owners blew
their yearly budget on a huge
sign proclaiming “SMOKING
ALLOWED!”
which might
more accurately read “SMOKING HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!” as Charlie’s is currently
operating in cross-promotional
partnership with emphysema.
The “no-smoking” section is
currently a tiny entrance room
with a small rusty bistro table
and two contorted chairs that
between them have a total of
seven legs, probably a result of
Charlie’s customers’ propensity to swipe scrap metal to make
a couple bucks at the junkyard.
On a related note, the horseshoe pit is often disappointingly undersupplied.
that isn’t prominently torn in at
least one place, you don’t belong here. When people refer
to Two Sides as a “dive,” they
are in fact instructing you on
how to get under the table once
people begin shooting at each
other. On the plus side, Bar
Review can get boring when
you’re just standing around,
and Two Sides offers up other
diversions: Dart boards are entertaining, provided you can
first remove the darts from
some dude’s neck first, and
arcade staple Big Buck Hunter
is given an interesting twist as
players use actual shotguns.
Also, no one likes it when Bar
Review gets too packed, but if
it were held at Two Sides, the
crowd would surely thin as the
night went on and students left
to go do other things, such as
be kidnapped and killed.
photo courtesy of
restaurantdiningmenus.com
Rhett’s (2335 Seminole
Trail #100, 434-974-7818, www.
rhettsrivergrill.com)
“No shirt, no shoes — no
problem!” says a sign on the
wall at Rhett’s, though I can
tell you from personal experience that they don’t mean that
literally. Presumably, though,
the false assurance is meant as
a suggestion to take a dip in the
Rivanna River, which Rhett’s
sits alongside (but, oddly, offers
no views of). This is the strongest selling point for bringing
Bar Review to Rhett’s: Whereas
Coupe Deville’s no longer hosts
Two Sides (221 Carlton because of the dozen or so stuRd., 434-977-1970)
dents killed by trains each Bar
Hosting the event at Two Review, perhaps as few as half
Sides might or might not be a that number would drown in
good time… no one would re- the Rivanna were it held at
member, because the bounc- Rhett’s. The venue also feaers roofie all the women at the tures more than adequate neon
door and the guys would all signage and an inviting patio,
be knocked unconscious after in that it invites customers to
catching
rummage
a
beer
through
bottle or
the piles
pool cue
of unused
upside
e q u i p the head
ment that
during
is stored
the bar
t h e r e .
brawl,
Though
h e l d
there are
nightly
no
beers
photo courtesy of readthehook.com on
from 8
tap,
p.m. to close. This sports
Rhett’s does
bar could be described as offer top-notch local wines
“rowdy,” provided the person that could, were organizers to
giving the description has also request it, probably be served
used that term to refer to World in pitchers and flimsy plastic
War II; if you’re wearing a shirt cups. (Bring your funnel!)
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
Friday, 12 November 2010
Entertainment & Columns
5
C’ville Brings Music to Our Ears
A Brief November and December Concert Preview
Jason Norinsky ’13
Contributor
I’ll admit, when I got to Charlottesville, I was not expecting
a huge music scene. Maybe a
bluegrass show or 10, maybe
some county fairs with some
old-county music. Fortunately
for me, and all of you, the scene
here is pretty rockin’. During
the next two months there are a
number of acts for all the music
lovers out there.
At John Paul Jones Arena
this month, the Dave Matthews
Band will be playing Nov. 1920. If you don’t know who
Dave Matthews Band is, you
are behind the curve musically,
even for the average law student. Now, don’t get me wrong,
the dude is a great guitar player and he has one of the more
musically talented bands of the
last 20 years, but Dave is just
not my cup of tea. I don’t know
if it’s his voice, or the fact that
I’m from Westchester County,
New York, where everyone
and their mom have been to 10
Dave shows and can predict the
set list and encore on any given
night, but Dave Matthews Band
to me is not a must-see. First of
all, the show is inside, which
seems blasphemous given the
summer shows he puts on, and,
second, tickets are $65-$75.
This price seems outrageous
for a two-hour show of some
old jam band that is relying
on their former fame and good
live act. For me, seeing a show
in John Paul Johns Arena is
not a personal experience and
seeing Dave there would be a
huge waste of money that can
photo courtesy of knoxnews.com
Pete, far left, is a better musician than snowball warrior.
be spent during break. Sorry
if I am offending any fans,
but, trust me, my opinions are
warranted; all my friends back
home are wanna-be hippies.
For music lovers who like a
smaller, more intimate venue,
The Jefferson on the Downtown
Mall is the perfect place. And
luckily, the Jefferson has Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue coming to play on Nov. 17.
This is an up-and-coming band
that in the next few years will
probably have a ton of fame
with their brass, dirty, straightout-of-New-Orleans
sound.
I consider this band the Lil’
Wayne of blues and soul. They
have a huge following in the
Dirty South and are local icons
in New Orleans, as they have
gotten huge in the years after
Katrina and have helped to revive the musical culture that
defines that city. They recently
performed on The Late Show
with David Letterman and no one
knew who they were. A little
introduction is needed. Trombone Shorty is the lead singer
and the trombone player in the
band; he is incredible. While in
high school he essentially got
recruited to go on tour with
Lenny Kravitz. This band has
a soft spot in my heart because
when I was a little kid I would
have snowball fights with the
guitarist, Peter Murano, when
he lived across the street from
me. This is a must-see act for
anyone that loves music. The
blend of soul, blues, big-band,
and rock is a tantalizing combination that will make you
want to move as well as smile
because you will observe that
great music is still alive and not
just created on computers with
no-talent jesters laying down
obnoxious lyrics. It would be
foolish to miss this show as the
sounds of Bourbon Street take
over Charlottesville for one
night.
If, for some reason, you’re
going to be around Charlottesville right after Christmas,
the Jefferson will also be hosting Gogol Bordello on Dec. 28.
Described as gypsy punk, Gogol Bordello’s live show is rumored to be outstanding. The
band played Charlottesville
last year on New Year’s Eve, so
their touring schedule seems to
be somewhat cyclical, but that
shouldn’t be a problem for fans
of unique and sincere songwriting. They are currently touring
in support of their 5th studio
album, Trans-Continental Hustle, which deals heavily with
the band’s commitment to promoting global citizenship and
immigrants’ rights. Even if this
doesn’t sound like your cup
of tea, witnessing an 8-person
gypsy punk band will certainly
be an experience.
These are just a few of the
many musical acts coming to
Charlottesville before the end
of the year. Check out the calendars at venues such as JPJ,
the Jefferson, and The Southern
for other options. You’re sure
to find something you like.
Nailing Champagne Makes You Feel Like a Kid Again
When the Giants won the
World Series on Nov. 1, my
roommate asked me how I
Ben Pulliam ‘13
Guest Columnist
felt. I had been
waiting for this
moment
my
entire life and
it had finally come. The Giants
were World Series Champions.
Struggling for words, I told
him, “It feels like Christmas.”
While it did feel like Christmas, this is not a column about
winning or feeling good. Rather, this is a column about every other year in which being
a Giants fan felt less like your
favorite holiday and more like
a gut punch. Yes, that fateful
Monday night made me happy.
But for most of my life, being a
Giants fan has done the opposite. It has routinely made me
miserable.
This column is about why
I even bother. It’s about why
anyone would continue to follow a sport and team when all
it brings is soul-crushing disappointment. This inquiry is not
restricted solely to Giants fans
either. Cubs, Indians, and Orioles fans, for example, all have
to ask themselves this same
question every fall: Why do I
do this to myself?
After the San Francisco Giants beat the Philadelphia Phil-
lies in the National League
Championship Series, Giants
closer Brian Wilson said, “It
feels awesome; it feels like
when you’re a kid and every
guy gets a chance to be a hero
every night and then eat orange slices and Kool-Aid after
the game. Except we’re nailing
champagne right now.”
As a lifelong Giants fan, my
champagne intake has been
limited. My diet of heartbreak,
doubt, and self-loathing, on the
other hand, has been steady.
I watched the Giants win 103
games in 1993 only to miss out
on the playoffs. I watched them
come within 8 outs of winning
the World Series in 2002 only to
have them lose in heartbreaking fashion to the Anaheim
Angels. I idolized Barry Bonds
only to learn that he was an
asshole and a cheat. As Giants
broadcaster Duane Kuiper has
observed, Giants baseball is
torture.
And yet, every spring, I
would sign up for another year
of torture. I would buy hats, go
to games, and listen to them
on the radio. And each year, as
autumn would approach, the
Giants would fade from contention. As the quote goes, “As
soon as the chill rains come,
[baseball] stops and leaves you
to face the fall alone.” My fandom may seem masochistic or just plain dumb.
photo courtesy of webshots.com
Winning games as an adult is so much more mind-altering.
And I admit, it is both. But it’s
a yearly ritual that I have performed since I was a child. It’s
a ritual that allows me to experience a part of life through a
younger version of myself. The
baseball season progresses the
same way now as it did when
I was 10 years old. I am optimistic in the spring and disappointed in the fall. This ritual is
one of the few things in my life
that has survived from childhood to adulthood. This is the
beauty of baseball. This is why
I, or anyone else, bothers.
I continue to root for the Giants because it allows me to
feel like a kid again. I react to
baseball the same way now as I
did then. A loss stings like hell
and a win is still worth shouting about. And if your team
wins the World Series, it feels
like, well, Christmas. Baseball
lets you feel like your younger
self again.
Take, for example, World Series MVP Edgar Renteria. In the
1997 World Series, Renteria hit
a game-winning single in Game
7 to lift the Florida Marlins to
their first World Championship. At the time, Renteria was
21 years old.
In 2010, Renteria is 34 and
playing for the Giants. He is
an overpaid, underperforming, and oft-injured dinosaur
on a team filled with young
talent. He lost his starting position during the regular season
and was expected to fade away
into retirement at the end of the
year.
Instead, the Giants make
the playoffs and a suddenly
healthy Renteria wins his starting position back. Prior to
Game 5 of the World Series, he
tells a teammate he is going to
hit a home run. Renteria proceeds to do exactly that. In the
7th inning of Monday’s game,
Renteria plants a three-run
shot over the left-field wall in
what may have been the final
at-bat of his career. Simply Roy
Hobbs-ian.
In the New York Times article
that ran the following Tuesday, Renteria compared his
game winning hit in 1997 with
his 2010 game-winning homer.
“It’s the same feeling,” Renteria
said. “The same feeling.”
That feeling is why I follow
baseball.
So, when Brian Wilson struck
out Nelson Cruz to give the
Giants their first championship since 1954, I felt like a kid
celebrating with orange slices
and Kool-Aid after the game.
Except this time, I was nailing
champagne.
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6
The Back Page
VIRGINIA LAW WEEKLY
Lithium Lollipops for Downcast Law Dawgs
High Enders
by Myles Mellor and Sally York
1
It’s that time of year again.
Ever shorter days spent frantically catching up in classes
2
3
4
5
6
14
7
18
29
39
it’s all fun and games until you
end up transforming that [insert
sectionmate/PA/Professor] into Prince Charming only
to spend the rest of your year
reverse engineering a friendship with the mere mortal that
he once was before you entered
the finals time-space continuum. Best to choose someone at
least two degrees of separation
away from your daily routine.
The conversion rate on a finals crush is relatively low.** I
took a quick poll (a good columnist always does thorough
research) and though it has
been known to happen, when
you poke your head out of the
rabbit hole on Dec. 16, it is more
likely your finals crush will be
holding a shot (or three) of tequila than your hand. Keep in
mind when you finish finals,
and likely when you are trying to attract this unicorn, you
resemble something closer to a
zombie or ghost than an actual
human. Take a moment, pause,
and use winter break to pull
yourself back together. Turning
fantasy into a reality is what
Feb Club is for, so don’t get
ahead of yourself.
2. Self-Indulgent Rejection
of Proper Hygiene
Not all law students fall prey
to the aforementioned hysteria:
the smart ones take the misanthropic route. Their method
involves deciding to simply
hate every person
they come into
contact with
and instead
channeling
their
rage,
energy, and
angst into
perfectly
tabbed and
cross-referenced
outlines.
You
can recognize
these
people
as the ones who
show up at the
law school
image by in someJoe Budd ‘12 thing akin
to a sweatx e d o —
that is, a sweatsuit with
matching top and bottom,
slightly more formal than
your average ensemble—or its
equivalent, the ever-popular
spandex leggings and fleece top
combo.
These people are unmistakable. Hair always unwashed,
these folks stalk the halls hurling killer stares at anyone who
dares to chew an apple too
loudly in Scott Commons. They
tend to travel in packs, trade emails at 2 a.m. that only they
find funny, and will jealously
guard their territory from interlopers coming from the undergrad libraries to the 24-hour
study room in the middle of
the night. Sure, it sounds like
a miserable existence, but I received the best grades of my
law school career the semester
I adopted this approach. Take
from that what you will.
3. Food
Sustain yourself on group
dinners with the closest group
of friends you never knew you
had. It’s amazing how much
you can find in common with
the people who not only eat precisely at the same intervals as
you do but also crave El Puerto
and extra salt on the same cycle.
True and lasting friendships are
forged over Five Guys burgers
and family-style meals from
Tara Thai and Taste of China.
4. Studying via Netflix
And when all else fails TV
or DVD comes through to fill
the void created by the lack of
section mixers and PA-sponsored bowling/karaoke nights.
Watching The Wire is practically
like studying for any criminal
law class. The West Wing is essentially a crash course in legislation. Mad Men or The Office
can get you refreshed on employment discrimination, and
Gregory House might as well
be teaching your bioethics seminar. Personally, I have taken
this approach one step further
and will be watching 30 Rock
instead of taking Corporations
next semester.
This too shall pass, but in
the mean time enjoy the indulgences that have sustained law
students from time immemorial, or at least since the advent
of Gchat, fast food, and digital
cable.
*NB: Only 1Ls need a buddy
for this. By 2L it becomes perfectly acceptable to pour yourself that second glass of wine
or bourbon with no neighbor in
sight.
**I should note here that
those who have had successful
conversions are willing to go
the extra mile and “dress up”
for the library.
Headbands,
extra-large hipster-esque headphones, and the previously
mentioned heinous mustache
(only recommended for men)
all do wonders for attracting
attention. Based on completely
reliable statistical evidence, if
you are capable of pulling off
some sort headdress, you may
have better luck than the average student.
[email protected]
60
37
58
59
41
44
46
50
47
51
56
62
57
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
Across
Across
1. Monroe’s successor
1. Monroe's successor
6. Yammers
Yammershas five
6. “Hamlet”
10.
14. Storyteller
10. "Hamlet" has five
15. Unsightly
Storyteller
14. Binary
16.
17.
High
enders
15. Unsightly
20. Fifth-century scourge
Binarymonitors (abbr.)
16. Border
21.
22.
as a cost
High enders
17. Absorbed,
23. Caesar’s meal starters?
Fifth-century
scourge
20. Bach
26.
composition
28.
___-l’Eglise,
France
21. Border monitors (abbr.)
31. E or G, e.g.
Absorbed, aslanguage
a cost
22. International
32.
33.
___-time
low
23. Caesar's meal starters?
34. “Seize ___!”
Bach jacket
composition
26. Arctic
35.
38.
High
enders
28. ___-l'Eglise, France
42. ___-proof
E or G,source
e.g.
31. Caviar
43.
44.
International language
32. Afflict
45. Gathered dust
46. Black gold
47. Dutch pottery city
49. 1940s-60s world leader
51. Dorm room staple
53. “We ___ the World”
54. Dash
56. Plaudits
60. High enders
64. 1952 Olympics host
65. Home, informally
66. Heart chambers
67. Western or Buy
68. Arabic miracle
69. Leather whip
48
52
55
61
Down
1. Eastern pooh-bah
2. “Dang!”
36
27
43
54
13
32
40
45
53
26
35
42
“I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. It’s all in the game, though, right?”
--Omar Little on the legal profession.
25
34
38
12
22
31
30
11
19
24
33
49
10
21
23
photo courtesy of nymag.com
9
16
20
28
8
15
17
Kate Barry ‘11
Columnist
followed
by
intensely long
evenings in the
library asking yourself what
you spent the past ten weeks
doing. It is true that the weeks
following the PILA Auction offer few bright spots on the horizon.
Evidence of apprehension
is already here. As students
count down the weeks, Biltmore starts to look more like a
watering hole in the Serengeti
than a bar – and the PILA Auction is touted as the last “fun”
(read: “boozy”) event of the
year. We know what happens
to those extremists who rely too
heavily on these events and end
up empty-handed. They show
up on Craigslist, pleading for
some personal attention and
stress relief ... in the bedroom
(See U.Va. Law Fall ’08 & Seton
Hall ‘10).
While not all students take
such drastic measures, more
than one law student has lamented a lack of planning when
mid-November rolls around
with no prospects in sight. Perhaps you’ll get to enjoy a section Thanksgiving meal or a
quick jaunt home where everyone gets over-served on wine
and stuffing, but soon enough
your nightly wine-down with
your neighbor* becomes the
only thing worth living for – or
is it?
Never fear. Law students are
nothing if not savvy inventors
of important time-filling/wasting activities. What follows is a
survey of strategies that do not
require taking out (or responding to) a personal ad.
1. The Study Unicorn.
Imaginations,
hormones,
and let’s face it – too much
time – combine to sustain you
with your finals crush. It’s inevitable. Why would you think
about products liability when you
could
focus
on trying to
stage a random run-in
just
when
that
cute
boy in the
plaid shirt
and the hideous
mustache gets up
for a snack? No
reasonable person would.
Thus, the study
unicorn is born.
This is the person
you
don’t
quite
know yet, but promise
yourself you’ll get to
know better. It’s the reason you prefer the social
section of the library over the
gunner lounge, or find yourself
at Shenandoah Joe’s at 8 a.m.
instead of hitting the snooze on
your alarm.
This apparition can become
an important person in your
life (i.e., the reason to get out of
bed – not to be an underrated
function come December), but
choose wisely.
Distractions
during finals are welcome, but
Friday, 12 November 2010
3. Common contraction Down
4. Fashionable
1. Eastern pooh-b
5. Funeral slabs
6. Pursue relentlessly2. "Dang!"
7. “Give it ___!”
3. Common contra
8. Disheveled
4. Fashionable
9. Harmonize
10. Play title word 5. Funeral slabs
11. Relating to a steward
6. Pursue relentles
12. Spoonful, say
13. Cold shower?
7. "Give it ___!"
18. Spicy stew
8. Disheveled
19. Corn dish
24. Like, with “to” 9. Harmonize
25. Mark for misconduct
10. Play title word
27. Aroma
28. Truth
11. Relating to a ste
29. Scat queen, to friends
30. Hinged dredgers 12. Spoonful, say
34. “And I Love ___” (1964
Cold shower?
13. tune)
35. Mature
18. Spicy stew
36. “___ I care!”
37. Early European 19. Corn dish
39. Bandy words
40. Hoaxes
41. Lady Macbeth, e.g.
46. Fish hawk
47. Strip of potency
48. Crude stone artifact
49. Bigwig
50. Clear, as a disk
52. “Andy Capp” cartoonist
Smythe
55. “Empedocles on ___” (Mat
thew Arnold poem)
57. City on the Yamuna River
58. Dilute
59. Alone
61. Auction offering
62. ___ Today
63. Utmost
Answers for the week of 11/5