Nation Mourns Loss of Last Boob-Themed Holiday

Volume 7, Issue 1
one hundred and fifteen years of i went to new orleans and all i got was this stupid infectious disease
Nation Mourns Loss of
Last Boob-Themed Holiday
Girls Gone Wild Stock Plummets
for this formerly great holiday,
NEW ORLEANS, LA – On
and is the final nail in the coffin
August 29th, Hurricane Katrina
for hooter-related holidays
swept over the Gulf Coast,
in general, which have been
leaving thousands with lost
becoming scarce since Muslim
loved ones, many more without
religious
leaders
banned
homes, and a whole nation
Boobradan and issued a fatwa
without its last remaining boobagainst anyone found practicing
centered holiday.
it without inviting said religious
“There’s no way to express the
leaders.
loss this nation has suffered,”
The deeply religious aren’t
said New Orleans resident Cliff
the only ones left anchorless on
Bumpkin. “Mardi Gras was the
a sea of jubblies, however. The
only day of the year when we all
loss of the holiday also spells a
came together as a people and
huge drop in profits for Mantra
celebrated what really matters:
Entertainment, producer of the
succulent, succulent titties.
successful Girls Gone Wild
But no longer. It seems each
series.
American will have to find his
“Mardi Gras was by far our
or her own way of individually When twenty-something co-eds stop showing their knockers in exchange
cheapest
source of high-quality,
praising the boob and all things
for worthless plastic beads, the terrorist will have truly won.
discount
titty,”
said Joe Francis,
boob-related.”
flashed each other. The holiday was entirely
Mardi Gras, French for “Titty Tuesday,” responsible for the season of Lent, a forty- the series’ creator and luckiest man on the
marked the beginning of Lent. The holiday day period in which Christians repented face of the Earth. “Where before we could
came to New Orleans with the earliest the various things they did not remember count on a guaranteed once-a-year video for
French settlers, who, fleeing from religious doing on Mardi Gras. The destruction of the price of a few fifths of bourbon and some
oppression and trying desperately to New Orleans almost certainly spells doom beads, we’re now left dependent on Spring
hold on to their traditions, got drunk and
SEE TITS, PAGE 6
Dance Marathon Institutes Dra�
September 2005
High Gas Prices
Force Suicide
Bombers To
Carpool
Another Drunk
Freshman Falls
Out Tiny Dorm
Window
Man Has
100 Problems,
Including
“The Bitch”
Porn Industry
Already Scouting
Spears Baby
Student Union
Wendy’s To Be
Renamed
“Wendito’s”
Organizers No Longer Satisfied With Voluntary Participation
ANN ARBOR, MI—Leaders of Dance
Marathon, a campus group which hosts
a yearly event to raise money for various
rehabilitation programs at children’s
hospitals in the area, shocked the student
body this Tuesday by announcing this year’s
dancers would be chosen by a campus-wide
draft instead of relying on volunteers as they
have in previous years. Participants will now
be chosen in a lottery based on their UM
ID numbers, and must serve a term no less
than thirty hours of maniacally enthusiastic
dancing on the front lines. However,
volunteer dancers will still be accepted into
the newly created Dancer Reserve program,
offering a less intensive commitment of
only one weekend of dancing a month and
two weeks a year.
Allison Hardin, executive director of DM’s
vaguely ominous “Central Planning Team,”
believes the new dancer draft is crucial
“Unfortunately,” said Hardin, “voluntary
to the defense our nation’s most precious
enrollment has steadily declined in the last
resource: frail, cancer-ridden children.
few years. Just the other day, a man walked
into my office with a sack full of money to
donate to one of our sponsored hospitals.
I told him what I always tell people when
plop a giant bag of cash on my desk: We
don’t want your money. What we want is
for you to sign up for a lengthy and tedious
process that starts by convincing your
cheap-ass college classmates to sponsor
you, after which you’ll attend countless
planning meetings, and finally participate
in a over-hyped event in a cramped room
full of other irritatingly chipper, though
sleep-deprived ‘dancers’ in an attempt to
raise what will probably amount to less
money than what they were trying to donate
in the first place. After all, mind-bogglingly
indirect fundraising is what we’re all about
here at DM.”
Many members of the student body,
however, do not share Hardin’s enthusiastic
support of the dancer draft. LS&A
sophomore Bobby McLean believes it is
unethical to subject students to forced
SEE ENTHUSIASM, PAGE 7
Mötley Crüsade
For Christ
Decidedly
Unpopular
Top Half Of
Flagpole
No Longer
Necessary
2
National News
Weather Channel Releases Classic Forecasts On DVD
Internet fan sites are
Fans of the long-running, alwaysalready abuzz with rumors
innovative Weather Channel are
of what the set will contain.
anxiously awaiting the Fall release
Weather Channel Super-fan
of the very first “Best Of The
and Skilled Lover, Dennis
Weather Channel” DVD set. The
Cohn—who would not agree
sixty-eight disk compilation will
to be interviewed unless
include the best forecasts from
addressed as such—is at the
the channel’s 1982 debut year to
forefront of speculation as
the present, producing a boxed set
to the compilation’s contents.
that rivals The Lord of the Rings
“My sources tell me we’ll be
in its unnecessarily exhaustive
treated to such masterpieces as
thoroughness.
Mark Mancuso’s breathtaking
Producers of the hit meteorological
mid-May performance in ’94,
drama promise viewers won’t be
when his predictions of lows
disappointed. “This set has it all,”
in the mid-50s with a chance
said Weather Channel producer
of showers overnight seemed
Mark Campbell. “The excitement
to be penned by God Himself.
of a thunderstorm warning, the
Also, I suspect to see plenty of
suspenseful
uncertainty
of
Stephanie Abram’s inspired
partly sunny with a chance of
Doppler readings, though
precipitation—not to mention
her brilliance has long been
barometer readings that will knock
ignored by the Academy. And
your socks off. For a while there,
I wouldn’t be at all surprised
we were about one humidity index
if we were treated to a little
shy of an NC-17 rating.”
I don’t want to spoil the ending for you.
classic
UV index from ’98—
Beloved
Weather
Channel
Well, all right. It’s Winter.
am I right, fellas?”
meteorologists Heather Tesch and
Producer Campbell would
Marshall Seese announced the box
set’s release date during yesterday morning’s “Your not comment on any specific features, but did confirm
Weather Today” segment. Both Tesch and Seese seemed that the set would include a bonus DVD of “The Weather
confident the DVDs would be a huge success, but could Channel: Too Hot for TV,” which will feature several
not give any specific date of release. “Our best guess is hours of uncensored temperature forecasts in the mid-toit will be a high October 27, low late September,” said upper 90s.
Tesch. “Stay tuned for further unfounded conjecture.”
Judge Judy Nominated for Supreme Court
Bush Looking For Candidate Capable Of Delivering No-Nonsense Ass Kickings
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President George W. Bush’s
nomination of John Roberts to late Chief Justice William
Rehnquist’s Supreme Court seat left the nation with
numerous questions, such as “Who will take the place of
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, whose seat Roberts was
originally nominated for?” and “Am I really watching
C-SPAN?” Even more shocking, though, was Bush’s
recently announced decision to fill the second empty
Court seat with polarizing television judge Judith “Judge
Judy” Sheindlin.
Politicians from both sides of the party divide have
been pushing for another female nomination to replace
retired judge Sandra Day O’Connor, and President Bush
felt that picking someone who, unlike himself, was
actually popular would increase the chances that his
nominee would be confirmed.
“I always wiked sheeing that Judge Judy aftuh my nab,”
said Bush, speaking around the thumb in his mouth
while clutching to his “big-boy” blankie. “She weminds
me of my Mommie.”
Sheindlin, who formerly prosecuted juvenile
delinquency cases in New York, is familiar with working
with people like President Bush, and is looking forward
to doing so again. ”I can see what’s going on here,” said
Sheindlin. “You can’t pee in a cup and convince me it’s
Mountain Dew. This country needs a swift kick in the
pants and I’m the woman to do the job. The President
knows that. I’m not going to be another party-line
nominee who rules like I’m asked to. If the President
wants someone like that, he can go back in time, have
sex with me, wait nine months, and put those robes on
the illegitimate spawn I push out of my pre-menopausal
uterus, because I sure wasn’t born yesterday.”
Judge Judy was, in fact, created in the year 2146 by the
Biotech Cybernetics Laboratory on the Moon as part of
a government sponsored initiative to replace all United
States judges with perfect cyborg killers. Sheindlin was
sent back in time more than 150 years to make sure
history unfolded as her evil masters desired by winning
daytime Emmys with a sharpened wit and excellent
ratings.
“In the future,” said Sheindlin, “the currency of Earth
and the Allied Planets will be the Daytime Emmy
statuette.” She then began picking the tattered remains
of her latest defendant from her high-powered hydraulic
jaws. “The only things stopping us from ruling the world
are those fuckers from General Hospital and the stupid
Thai orphans at the Daytime Emmy factory. They work
eighteen hours a day; the least you could expect is some
decent production.”
Bush Distinguishes Ass, Hole In The Ground
President Puts Nation’s Fears To Rest
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking time away from his three-month
long vacation to hold a rare press conference last Wednesday,
President George W. Bush presented detailed evidence which
demonstrated his ability to draw a “hard line” between his ass
and a nearby hole.
“You can all rest easy now,” the president joked, before laughing
in a way that indicates he will eventually die from emphysema. “I
know the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground.”
Fears over the president’s ability to distinguish the two nouns
arose when President Bush was seen itching at the edges of the
open gravesite in Arlington National Cemetery in Washington,
D.C. Tension escalated into panic when the president was later
observed planting a row of begonias in his ass crack.
However, in front of reporters, the president—using slides as
well as somewhat tactless body language—provided detailed
photos of his chiseled derriere, driving his point home by
shaking what he referred to as “my big, fat ass” at the audience of
journalists, while simultaneously pointing to a nearby mound of
disturbed earth, which independent reports have confirmed did
not serve any rectal functions but was, in fact, a hole.
In related news, rumors of a Hank Williams Jr. tattoo on the
President’s left buttock were also discovered to be unfounded.
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DISCLAIMER
The Every Three Weekly is a satirical newspaper
and is not intended for readers under the age of
18 years. The Every Three Weekly uses invented
names in its stories except in cases where public
figures and prominent University members are
being satirized. Any other use of real names is
accidental and coincidental. The stories and
opinions within the Every Three Weekly are not
necessarily the views of its sponsors, UAC, or the
University of Michigan.
The content of this paper is Copyright © 2005 by
the Every Three Weekly and may not be reprinted
or retransmitted in whole or in part without the
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All previously copyrighted creations in this
publication are copyrighted to the creators.
Campus News
The Every Three Weekly Salutes:
New Crazy Diag Guy
Study Shows 98% Of Student Body Would
Sell Soul To Devil For A Coffee
3
Starbucks And Espresso Royale Admit To Signing Contract With Satan
ANN ARBOR, MI—This past Tuesday, tragedy struck
Senior Aaron Foltz when he found himself about to enter
his Women Studies 455 class without his most important
social accessory: his Triple Mocha
Espresso. Luckily for Foltz, the
Dark Prince himself popped
in and offered to secure
Foltz the drink for the
measly price of his
eternal soul.
“Man, was I relieved,”
Foltz told the E3W later
that night, “and all he
wanted was my silly little soul. The
joke’s on him, though, because I
lost that three fat chicks and six teabaggings ago, so it was a win-win
for me.”
Foltz, surprisingly, is not alone; a
recent survey shows that nearly every
LS&A student would gladly sell their
soul to the horned beast if they forgot
to carry their sweet, sweet caffeinated
beverages onto campus any given day
of the week.
“It’s not about the coffee,” explained
Sophomore Jessica Brassi. “It’s about
being seen carrying it. Let’s face it, if you
don’t go to Espresso Royale more than
like, thirty-six times a day, you’re just
totally lame.” Her eyes then darted back
and forth as if she were having a seizure, which,
as it turns out, she was. Her 167th cappuccino of the
week was most likely to blame, although the cappuccino
later denied the allegation.
“But don’t worry, I’d never sell my soul to the Devil,” Brassi
said upon recovery. “I just whore myself out whenever I
need some extra joe.”
At the present date, all of the Ann Arbor Starbucks
locations as well as the local Espresso Royales
have admitted to signing a multi-million dollar
deal with the Supreme Lord of the
Underworld, in which he agreed to
offer their products to any student
willing to give up any chance at
redemption in return.
“I gotta tell you, it’s the best decision
I’ve ever made,” said Satan in a press
conference on Sunday, in which he
casually wore a Starbucks t-shirt and
sipped from a severed head filled with
Red ‘N Spicy Fever Bean decaf coffee.
“It’s way better than that whole ‘trying
to take over Heaven’ thing. That didn’t
turn out so hot.”
When approached about the
lucrative deal, Ann Arbor
Starbucks manager Kevin
Miller conceded that,
“Well, we didn’t actually
need the extra business,
but we here at Starbucks are
inherently evil as it is, so we
figured, ‘What the fuck’.” He then
giddily masturbated into a freshman’s NonFat Half-Soy Extra-Hot Venti Vanilla Latte
before handing it over with a creepy smile.
ANN ARBOR, MI—Just as Fall brings change both to
the schedules of students and the leaves on the trees, so too
does it bring about a wondrous transformation in the crazy,
babbling inhabitants of that enchanted piece of grass called
the Diag, which since 1985 has been fertilized solely by the
decomposing remnants of a cappella concert fliers.
This fall is no exception. Gone from our sights are
memorable figures like Falun Dafa Guy and Chubby
White Bible-Thumper. Our beloved Old Guy Who Feeds
Squirrels doesn’t come around as often as he once did,
though Harmonica Guy is still a mainstay. But what about
those of us who don’t venture to the UGLi? Where are our
celebrated Diag heroes?
So far, only one man—one brave, towering presence
of a human being—has had the courage to accept the
challenge of being New Crazy Diag Guy. One man has
taken up the torch once held aloft by such powerhouses as
Racist Muslim Hating Nutcase and Man With Oversized
Aborted Fetus Photos. One man has begun the long quest of
skillfully alienating passersby by shouting, “Stop watching
pornography!” and advising young ladies to “Keep your
legs closed!” thereby destroying the Fall phenomenon that is
dangerously naïve and unabashedly slutty freshmen girls.
This bright shining star of public disruption is none other
than New Crazy Diag Guy.
And yet, not everyone on campus applauds the efforts of
this diamond-in-the-rough. Diag mainstay Mormon Preacher
Jerry Orr doubts New Crazy Diag Guy will last more than
a week before completely losing his voice, admitting that
Orr himself gets winded after just one round of the “I Work
at Burger King” song. Shaky Jake, another familiar face,
could not be located even after making several loops of the
Main Street area, and Creepy Socialism Guy simply asked
SEE DEVIL, PAGE 6
interviewers about labor reforms in hushed tones.
Despite this criticism, the large crowds gathering around
New Crazy Diag Guy suggest he has struck a chord with
ANN ARBOR, MI--Claudia Ekman, who is entering sense,” says Ekman. “Take the ice cream cone, for instance.
some students, though none have successfully stopped her second year at the University of Michigan, is still in If not for our beloved Euclid and Pythagoras to design such
masturbating.
the process of rationalizing how her summer job at Dairy an efficient shape, ice cream lovers everywhere would be
Freshmen Nick Stuart was one of those affected. “If I Queen was an integral step in achieving her intended up the river Styx without a paddle.” She also likened the
wasn’t watching porn, I could probably be doing something classics major.
management structure of Dairy Queen to the class levels
else,” says Stuart. “And I’ve always loved Jesus, as you can
“It was a real learning experience,” said Ekman, “and isn’t in The Republic—taking liberties by adding a Illegal Alien
see by my WWJD bracelet. That means I love Jesus. So, that what college is all about—learning?”
Janitorial Staff level—and said she would later analyze the
if I follow its implied reasoning to the logical conclusion, I
During her three-month stint with the ice cream architecture of the strip mall in which the franchise was
should also one day carry a cross through the streets while franchise, the sophomore failed to study any aspect of located to see if it took any inspiration from ancient Greek
being pelted with rocks and mock-labeled ‘King of the Jews,’ ancient civilization, nor did she translate the works of or Roman architecture.
only to be nailed to the cross and suffer an excruciatingly Aristotle or Plato, but states in her own defense that she
Manager Gary Owens, who supervised Ekman during
painful demise which will last for hours, if not days. Yay did “work the register” and “had to clean up some kid’s most of her shifts, described her as a mediocre employee.
Jesus!”
puke once.” Despite these setbacks, Ekman insists her “She could perform the basic functions of her job just fine,
time at Dairy Queen was not spent in vain. She recalls, and she was a friendly person, but she wasn’t very good
“I was complaining about [manager] Gary to one of my at up-selling. I kept telling her, ‘Shut up about the damn
coworkers by calling him ‘Scylla and Charybdis rolled into mythology and push the parfaits.’ Those six extra jugs of
one,’ thereby applying some of my knowledge of Homeric strawberry topping won’t sell themselves.”
literature to an everyday situation. Unfortunately, Emilio
At the start of the Fall semester, Ekman remains hopeful
had no idea what I was talking about.”
that her summer employment experience will assist her
Ekman said she chose not to spend her summer doing studies at the University. Says Ekman, “If nothing else, I
independent study, because she had “taken Great Books have several hundred dollars now and that at least buys
and pretty much nothing else” and did not feel prepared books, right?” She pledged to use her savings to buy only
for such an intense undertaking. Determined to make things relating to classics, though she has yet to explain
her employment relevant, Ekman studied every aspect of how Gwen Stefani’s Love, Angel, Music, Baby relates to her
Dairy Queen thoroughly, drawing connections between major.
the experience and classical literature. “It all made perfect
Classics Major Desperately Tries To Justify Summer Job
MASS MEETING
SEPTEMBER 28
10:30 PM
KUENZEL ROOM
MICHIGAN UNION
Letters to the Editor
4
Letters to the Editor
From: [email protected]
Subject: You guys rule!
Now that i got you to open the email, what i really mean is U guys
suck!! no, just kidding, actually i’m
an entering freshman who accidently
walked through the Diag today
because i didn’t check my e-mail to
fi nd out that Festifall was going
on(I had my internet connection
disconnected for trying to download
the entire Wonder Years soundtrack
on Morpheus). On my way as far
around the Anime club as i could get
i happened on your booth with that
newspaper you guys were handing out
and i figured i’d look more refi ned
walking past the sororities’ boothes
with a newspaper in my hand. I
quickly threw it away after, but when
i got back to the dorm my roommate
had a copy lying on the table and i
had 10 minutes before dinner started
so i picked it up. Needless to say
i probably would have skipped dinner
to read it page for page if they
didn’t have cheesecake for dessert,
but when i got back i fi nished it. It
is the most amazing compilation of
journalism i’ve had the privelege
to read through the whole two weeks
i’ve been here. That includes the
Michigan Daily copy i used to soak
up the beer i spilled at the Theta
Xi frat party. No, seriously though,
i just had to e-mail you to let you
know that you are probably the most
hilarious thing i’ve read on campus,
or anywhere in my life. I never
would have thought a publication like
this could have been made without
the dedication of a devout group of
people who sit on their couches all
day watching every rerun of The Daily
Show, Family Guy, Neurotically Yours,
and probably the entire adult swim
line-up. So anyways, i just had to
tell you: mad props on your newspaper
thingy, it’s awesome...When does the
next one come out?
Justin
Hearing that you have developed
what appears to be near-fanatical
devotion our “newspaper thingy”
after reading only one issue gives
me such a warm, fuzzy feeling that
I’m considering going off of all
my medication at once. The E3W has
always prided itself on being the
kind of high-quality publication
that people are drawn to, then
immediately throw away, then happen
upon again and peruse out of sheer
boredom. The fact that we’re not
swimming in Pulitzers is astounding.
Thank you for your letter and let me
say, on behalf of the E3W staff, that
your praise is meaningless if not
accompanied by a substantial amount
of cash and prizes. –Ed.
From: [email protected]
Subject: slainte
Hi, somehow I missed your table at
Festifall. I was going to write for
the Mich Daily before I realized it
might kill my soul. Is the e3w taking
on new staff this year?
maggie
You may not have seen the E3W table
at Festifall because it wasn’t so
much a “table” as it was Associate
Editor Charley Crissman aimlessly
wandering the Diag, poking people
with a pointy stick while screaming
the date of our mass meeting before
running like hell. But if you weren’t
lucky enough to get shivved by an
The Obligatory E3W
Advice Column
Dear E3W,
The strain of going to college is really
beginning to take a toll on my wallet.
Tuition prices have risen 13% since last
semester and it seems that my textbooks
are getting more and more expensive
every year. When you add that to the
upward spiral of gas prices, it becomes
too much for a poor college student to
bear. Please tell me how I can stretch my
meager dollars further.
Kevin McGillan, LS&A ‘07
This month’s response from:
Rancid Bob, a Liberty St. Hobo
Cans, my boy! Sweet, glorious
cans! You silly kids just throw
those things away when you’re
walking down the Diag, every day.
Well, let me tell you something, under the
used condoms,
the discarded
copies
of
the Gideon’s
Bibles, and your delicious leftover breakfast
is a layer of pure gold. And that gold is the
yellow film from the vomit that settles on the
cans. And when you buy booze with your
cans, you get more cans, which will start
the process all over again. Maybe you little
math shits can write a proof about that.
Anyway, what are you doing bothering
to pay “living expenses” for, anyway? Find
yourself a nice storefront or cardboard box
and you’ve got instant student apartment.
All you need are some pizza boxes to throw
around and you’ll never notice the difference.
Sure, it’ll start to smell like piss, but how’s
that any different than living with a roommate
who doesn’t shower for a week? At least you
don’t have to share the room, and you can
always take a bath in the fountain in front of
the League. Just remember Thoreau’s motto
“Simplify, simplify, simplify.” Or, if you don’t
like that, my Dad always used to tell me “It’s
cheaper to live in a piss-smelling box than a piss-
editor, our mass meeting is on Sept.
28th, at 10:30PM in the Kuenzel room
of the Union. And as far as the
Daily destroying your soul goes, I
also hear they frequently conduct
unnecessary and inhuman animal
testing on adorable kittens. –Ed.
From: [email protected]
Subject: The existence of
intelligent life at U of M
E3W
st af f
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Megan Ganz
Dear Ridiculous Genius:
I was needlessly searching the
web for some information about some
pointlessorganization or other, and I
happened to stumble upon the little
beacon of libelous journalism that is
“ Every Three Weekly.” Since the most
recent update I could fi nd was March
2005, I was wondering if the Weekly
is still in operation. If so, I was
wondering if there is a protocol
for submitting trite and fraudulent
articles, in hopes that they would be
published.
Thanks,
Joe Moses
Thank you for your concern, (and
excellent use of the word “libelous”).
As far as I know, the E3W is still
writing and printing issues. But,
then again, how can we really know
anything? I mean, I can see the
issues, and touch the issues… but
what does it mean to say that they
exist? Maybe what I think is a
newspaper, you see as a lawn chair.
Do we even see the same colors?
Life is an illusion and there is no
God, (which, I suppose, means I don’t
have to fi nish my Physics 112 reading
tonight). -Ed.
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Charley Crissman
Joe Ferrentino
Justin Wynn
Nathan Sterken
LAYOUT/DESIGN EDITOR
Bill Couch
ONLINE EDITOR
Your Guess
Is As Good
As Ours
STAFF WRITERS
smelling
apar t ment
that costs
500 dollars
a month”
Just think
of the freedom
of movement
you’ll
have!
Sitting all day
in the
middle of a bustling downtown, you get to
experience all the goings-on of our delightful
little city. You can harass the passer-bys for
spare change. Make sure to smear some shit
on your face or cut off some limbs to make
yourself look extra pathetic. Remember, the
worse you smell, the less someone is able to
think about telling you “no.” Your incessant
whining should snatch some money from
those bleeding-heart liberal pussies.
Eventually, though, everyone will get sick
of you, and you’ll have to find a new place
to beg a living. If the times get really tough,
you can always offer to suck dick for a nickel
a pop in front of the Michigan Theater.
Collin Kravis
Eric Jackson, Casey Curtis,
Paul Feinstein, Jeremy Fogel,
Bryan Kelly, David Guzman,
Joseph Ruple, Steve Lake,
Lauren Kantor, Gabriel Kloet,
Kel Powers, Matt O’Day, Jesse Singal,
Brian Zapf, Michael Angelo
COPY EDITOR
Amanda Bullock
ARTS STAFF
Jeremy Bronson,James Rocker
EDITORS EMERITI
Rich Cantley, Mike Chu, Brian Cook,
Carl P. Grant, Paul Malewitz,
Amol Parulekar, Claire Stano
Opinions
A MOUTH FULL OF SOAPBOX | James Rocker
5
What’s that? You know how to
design web pages?
That’s so hot.
Wanna make-out?
The E3W needs a new online editor.
E-mail [email protected] or come
to our mass meeting to apply.
the e3w guide TO DATING FRESHMEN GIRLS
Dare to Double Date: Bringing along her favorite workers if they’d like to shift jobs to the more prestigious
Be Prompt: It’s only a matter of minutes before they
pick up that Freshman Fifteen and you won’t be able to tell girlfriend will put her at ease and make the date go more position of being your personal rickshaw for the evening.
if you’re looking at a stretched out belly button piercing or smoothly. Later, you can try to talk her into a threesome by
Bring Up Her Immigration Status: If you meet a
referring to it as a “date and a half”.
a second vagina.
freshman from another country, chances are she’s illegal.
Play Hard-To-Get: Women only want men they can’t Capitalize on this golden opportunity by threatening to
Be Considerate and Chivalrous: Cover any futon stains
have, so remember to constantly remind your date that you deport her if she doesn’t put out. If the sex turns out to be
with a towel. You know, unless it’s pretty dry.
Show Her Around Campus: Take her to all the campus attract women who look much, much better than she does. sub-par, be a true gentleman and break off the relationship
landmarks and help her learn how to use the University Like, twice as hot and half as fat.
civilly before having her deported. Then, brag about it to all
websites. Oh, and if at all possible, try to
your buddies back at the frat.
work in the line “I’ll give you Wolverine
Overstate Your Occupation: If you tell
Access... to my pants.”
her you cook shit at the local pizza joint,
Share Her Interests: Figure out what
you’ll never make it past the first date. Be
clubs she’s in and take an interest in the
creative with your job title to compensate
classes she’s taking. Then, drop all your
for your occupational handicap. If you work
classes to match your schedules exactly.
at a pizza place, tell the young lady you are
After you figure out what route she takes
head chef at a fine dining establishment. If
when changing classes, find a window with
you work as a cashier, refer to yourself as a
the most unobstructed view, and set up your
customer service management technician. If
telescopic camera. On biweekly intervals,
you write for the Daily, say you work for a
mail her some of the photos and any of her
reputable campus newspaper.
discarded food wrappers for that week.
Be Clean: That shower you’ve been
She’ll eventually come around. (It’s driving
thinking about since early last week might
you wild with desire isn’t it, Ashley?)
be a good idea to act on. If you’re too lazy to
Treat Her Like a Queen: Fuck her up the
get out of bed and need a Plan B, just use two
ass.
cans of Axe and a bottle of hair gel for that
Work With Your Strengths: You may not
unkempt look.
be the prettiest boy on the block, so even the
Have A Backup Plan: If all else fails,
playing field by drugging her. After all, the
fuck her roommate.
other guys are drugging her with their looks,
Be Aloof and Mysterious: Freshmen
and when she regains consciousness, she’ll
girls have only been living independently
You’re going to have to be really suave to meet the high standards of these
probably be impressed with your knowledge
for a short time, and will do almost anything
sophisticated and intelligent women.
of pharmaceutical chemistry.
to rebel against their parents’ rules. If you
Make Yourself Available: Like it or not, women have a want to score with a rebellious freshman, stop bathing, start
Be Romantic: Try treating the young lady to a nice dinner.
Take her on a long, moonlit walk on the beach. When you choice of who they choose to date. Make yourself the best smoking cloves and tell every woman you meet that you’re
return home, light a few scented candles, put on some soft option by killing off any serious competition. Actually, this a philosophy major and intend to make a career out of being
music, and ask her, ever so sweetly, to give you a hummer would probably be more aptly titled “Make Everyone Else an existentialist.
even though her little brother is staying in her dorm room Unavailable.”
Seriously, Hurry: Eventually, these 18-year-old girls
Pimp Your Ride: Your ten-speed Huffy may be “cool” are going to realize that senior guys who date freshman
for siblings weekend.
Make Her Laugh: Girls go crazy over hilariously big to you, but having her ride on the handlebars all the way almost always do so because senior girls are already aware
farts. The general rule of thumb is being the wetter, the to Taco Bell simply is not the way to win her affection. If that said guys are douche-bags. Oh no, wait. Women never
a car is beyond your budget, ask one of the dorm cafeteria realize that. Party on, douche-bags.
better.
Other News
6
Guar antee Yourself A
One-Way Ticket to Hell.
Write For Us.
mass meeting
september 28 | 10:30 PM
Kuenzel Room
michigan Union
Pat Robertson Is God
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following his successful
petitioning of God to create a vacancy in the Supreme
Court, television evangelist Pat
Robertson has reportedly added
a number of items to his growing
to-do list.
“With your help and God’s
wisdom,” said Robertson, “we
can finally rid the world of
sodomites, Jews, and relatively
obscure paranoid Latin and South
American leaders!”
These comments drew the ire
of certain government officials,
who feel that they may somehow
be related to earlier comments,
made by Robertson, regarding
a potential assassination of
Venezuelan Prime Minister Hugo
Chavez.
“If they want to think those
comments are about Chavez,” said
Robertson, “maybe we should go
ahead and let them think that.
Get it? Cause I rephrased what I said about Chavez, only
now it’s about other people! God, I’m good. Literally. I just
spoke to God. Wanna fuck?”
While his followers, who tune in every week to feel the
deep spiritual connection only possible through thousands
of miles of coaxial cable, have
generally supported Robertson
in his foray into international
diplomacy, some non-believers
and heathens feel that his
comments regarding Chavez may
be unwarranted, unnecessary,
or even unjustifiable. Luckily,
these people will burn in Hell
for all eternity on the day of The
Rapture.
Upon receiving the updated
prayers from Robertson and his
harem of octogenarians, God
issued a press release through
his agent, Scott Boras. “I’d
like to thank Pat once again
for making Me question My
wisdom in creating him,” said
God. “Seriously, Pat, what is
this? ‘Vacancy in the Venezuelan
government, vacancy in the Cuban
government, vacancy in Pat Robertson’s non-existent-pony
position.’ Are you trying to ask for a pony? Cut this shit
out. But keep up the good work, Pat. I’m a big fan.”
TITS, from Page 1
Break and Snoop Dogg’s fading sex appeal to bring home
the luscious tatas. That means lower profit margins and
higher overhead, which translates to higher prices on this
necessary commodity. We’re predicting a 35% increase in
the standard-of-living cost per household, and considerably
more in boob-desolate areas like Canada, U of M’s North
Campus, and anywhere within a fifty-foot radius of Debra
Messing.”
The city of New Orleans is in desperate need of aid. In
interviews, many residents expressed a sense of loss and
bewilderment, as well as an almost-insatiable desire for
looting and gang warfare. Many expressed this desire by
firing on reporters or going into the first stages of cocaine
withdrawal.
A nationwide cry for help has gone out, with requests for
donations of money, food, single-malt bourbon, chintzy glass
beads, crack cocaine, and especially amateur pornography.
The Red Cross has called for over 40,000 large-chested
volunteers with loose morals, and the National Adult Film
Association has made a corresponding donation of 80,000
gold-tasseled pasties to aid families in dire need. Celebrities
have responded to the tragedy by organizing a charity flasha-thon, headed by Tara Reid. All proceeds will go to the cost
of videotaping the event and sending copies of the tapes to
refugees in need, who will probably burn them for fuel or
attempt to eat them since they have no VCR’s or power.
“When that levee broke,” said local Pete Yokul, “it didn’t
just take with it our houses, cars, loved ones, automatic
weapons, cocaine hookups, meth labs, illegal distilleries,
and wills to live. It took away our greatest possession of all:
easy access to confused young women with huge gazongas.
Gone forever are the days when those young hussies,
smashed on bourbon and hopped up on speed, would bare
all for the price of a string of beads. Our nation mourns
together.”
To find out how you can help, contact the Red Cross at 1800-BIGJUGS, or email a chest shot to threeweeks@umich.
edu. And please remember, in this time of crisis for our
nation, no fat chicks.
DEVIL, from Page 3
The mutually beneficial deal may soon be encountering
troubled times, however, after another poll indicated that
a growing number of students don’t even fill the cups with
coffee anymore, since simply carrying them seems to be
enough to satisfy their java bean-dependant caste. Satan,
surprisingly, seemed only slightly concerned at the news.
“Hell, all good things come to an end,” he sighed. “I guess
I could always go back to stealing candy from babies, and
then killing them. That’s always been a hoot.”
In the meantime, students across central campus will
continue sacrificing their afterlives to the undying hellfires
for a paper cup full of steaming-hot damnation.
“At least I won’t die thirsty!” exclaimed a happy Foltz,
before realizing that’s the dumbest thing that anyone’s
dared to say out loud, ever.
Interestingly enough, North Campus coffee locations
were never considered to be included in the deal. Satan
explained this quite simply. “I’ve already done enough to
piss off the Man Upstairs, and He doesn’t look too friendly
upon excessive self-fondling, regardless of what flavor latte
you drink while doing it.”
Sports and Entertainment
ENTHUSIASM, from Page 1
Eagles Hire Communication Expert
To Mediate Contract Dispute
7
enlistment in DM. “I mean, sure it’s a worthy cause,” says
McLean. “It’s hard to argue otherwise, especially now that
they’ve started calling it ‘Operation Save The Adorable
Innocents From An Excruciatingly Painful Early Death.’
But this is America—a country founded on the idea that
every citizen should have the freedom to decide when and
where he will engage in thirty straight hours of dancing, be
it the Macarena or the Funky Chicken.”
McLean is only one of many students protesting the draft.
Lisa Spangler, a PoliSci major, has co-founded a burgeoning
campus group opposed to DM’s new recruitment policy.
Spangler’s group, Stop Involuntary Toe-Tapping (S.I.T.)
staged an open protest on the Diag just two days after plans
for the draft were announced. “I’m not some Green Party
voting, draft-dodging hippie,” claims Spangler, “but I still
think it’s wrong to send boys as young as eighteen into fullon, dancing warfare. There has to be a more peaceful way
to raise money for those deserving young children—like
say, oh I don’t know, embezzlement or money laundering.”
Organizers for DM attempted to arrange a meeting with
Spangler to respond to S.I.T’s allegations, but Spangler was
not able to attend due to her last-minute enrollment in a
Canadian study-abroad program.
Hardin asserts that current plans for the dancer draft will
go ahead as planned, despite objections, though it remains
unclear why so many selfish bastards need to see hoards of
college students dance for thirty hours before they’ll give
money to help sick children.
PHILADELPHIA, PA—Eagles fans and Terrell Owens’ contract. “What T.O. needs is a new contract, not some
fantasy football owners breathed a collective sigh of damn little girl,” said Owens. “T.O. doesn’t need anyone
relief Tuesday, as seemingly jovial—but not actually that but T.O. It’s like I always say, ‘T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O.’
jovial—coach Andy Reid announced he had put an end to And how can we trust someone that doesn’t even have the
the disruptive feud between the star wideout and All-Pro good sense to trade for fruit snacks?”
Greene’s communication prowess attracted national
quarterback Donovan McNabb.
Though the two perennial pro-bowlers still have no attention, leading Bob Murphy, owner and operator of
plans to be adults and speak directly to on another, Reid SuperRecruits.com, the nation’s foremost communication
is confident that communication consultant Missy Greene, consultant ratings network, to rank her as a blue chip
a seventh grader from James Woods Middle School, can prospect. “Jumping to the NFL after seventh grade might
seem premature,” said Murphy, “but believe me, this kid
serve as an effective go-between.
“Missy has an illustrious career record of conducting is ready. She’s the best five-tool prospect I’ve ever seen:
187 get-togethers with only eleven resulting in breakups she has the note-passing/creation ability of Principal Max
or the occasional hair-pulling—a James Woods Middle Anderson, penmanship that would make master calligraphers
School record,” said Reid. “She’ll be a vital asset to these cry, Tom Brady-esque composure under pressure, and the
negotiations, not only for her skills at peace-keeping, but straight line speed of B.J. Askew.”
Despite all of her physical gifts, some have questioned
also because I hear she’s bringing her copy of Lilo & Stich
if Greene is mentally prepared for the NFL. At the press
2, which I’ve been meaning to see for a while now.”
Although Reid did not disclose financial details of the conference announcing her acquisition, Greene interrupted
deal, it can be assumed Greene will no longer be forced to reporters several times to send and read text messages on
rely on the barter system at lunchtime to acquire her own her cell phone, and at one point even brought a friend on
stage to whisper with excitedly. “You think Andy is cute?”
Dunk-a-Roos and Capri Suns.
Not everyone in the Eagles organization, most notably said Greene, as her friend blushed and looked at Coach
Terrell Owens, believes Greene deserves such a lucrative Reid. “Ewwwww!!!”
R. Kelly: Poet Laureate
Enthusiastic Promises of Pep Rally Go Unfulfilled
Every era has its own set of geniuses. Virgil, Da Vinci,
Picasso, Mozart—all a bunch of schmucks who don’t have
anything on our own R.Kelly, who recently released the
world’s first urban soap opera, “Trapped in the Closet.”
The series of five music videos, (Why so few, R.?), is
undoubtedly the single most groundbreaking, masterful,
inspired piece-of-shit since Matrix: Revolutions. And so,
to honor this masterpiece of unintentional comedy, the
Every Three Weekly would like to present our favorite
actual lyrics, in all their glory, from “Trapped in the
Closet,” parts one through five.
“I said, ‘We need to resolve this.’/Then he stepped to
me./I’m like, ‘Whoa,/There’s a reason I’m in this closet.’”
“And I started to put the gun down/Til I saw his face
still had a frown.”
“I closed my mouth and swallowed spit,/And I’m
thinking to myself, ‘This is some deep shit!’”
“He says, ‘Yes.’/I say, ‘No.’/He says, ‘Yes.’/I say, ‘No.’/
He says, ‘It’s the truth!’”
“Chuck screamed out, ‘We’re in love!’/Cathy says, ‘Love
my ass!’”
“And she said, ‘Please no dont stop.’/And I said, ‘I
caught a cramp.’/And she said, ‘Please keep on going […]
Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax.’/And I said, ‘Cool./
Climax./Just let go of my leg.’”
“And the she says ‘Uh… uh…’/I say ‘Uh, what?’”
Seventh Grade Girl To Employ Dirty Looks, Yes/No/Maybe Boxes
Football Team’s Collective Trousers Set Ablaze
ANN ARBOR, MI—Transcripts from the pep rally held I now wish to retract that statement, and instead would like
before the recent contest between U-M and Notre Dame to offer a comparison between Avant and a song that is less
indicate that head football coach Lloyd Carr and certain about being ‘bad,’ and more about just being ‘shitty.’ How
members of the football team
about ‘MacArthur Park’?
lied about their intentions,
You kids ever heard of that
with some even going so far
one?”
as to say they “would win”
Michigan wide receiver,
the game—a statement
Jason Avant has himself
ultimately proven to be
been the subject of criticism.
false.
“Sure, I may have claimed
In the wake of a
that I would do my best to
potentially
suicidewin the game,” said Avant.
inducing loss, players and
“But I also said that I would
coaches alike must answer
party like it was 1999 after
to an angry fan base that
we won. In reality, we lost,
does not take such blatant
and I partied like it was
dishonesty lightly.
2005. It’s all semantics,
“I saw Chad Henne in
really.”
one of my classes the day
Fans may also have
before the game, and I
noticed that all written
looked at him and nodded,”
records of the lyrics to
said senior kinesiology
“The Victors” now read,
student Kevin Heyman.
“Hail! To the Sometimes
“He then proceeded to give
Victors/Hail!
To
the
me a thumbs-up, which I took to indicate his intent to win Occasional Heroes/Hail! Hail! To Michigan, We’re Leaders,
the game. You can imagine my astonishment after the game at Best.” This, some believe, is a drastic change from what
was over. I felt so betrayed.”
they remember to be the traditional version of the song.
Head coach Lloyd Carr is also being criticized for While others, including Dr. Steve Quealer of the University
comments he made at the pep rally. “In introducing Jason of Arkansas, contend that the lyrics were this way all along.
Avant, I may have mentioned the classic Jim Croce song “Of course the lyrics were always like that,” said Quealer.
‘Bad Bad Leroy Brown,’” admitted Carr, “which some may “Your memory is probably just failing you.”
have taken as an implicit comparison of Avant and Brown.
FREE SHIT!