- Golden Words

GOLDEN WORDS
Page 2
Volume 41, Issue 4
Editorial
by Imran
It’s Time To Plan My Funeral
Look, I’m no snot-eyed, dew-nosed
li�le kid anymore. I’m twenty years
old, man. Death is a real possibility
now, with definable features, and I
can just about reach out and touch
it, and it feels warm and furry, and
then I open my eyes and it turns
out I’m just pe�ing my cat, and
she’s got that look on her face. The
look of death. This graph illustrates
my fears pre�y well:
So I figure it might ease my mind to
plan my funeral a couple of years
in advance. Sometimes you go to
a funeral and you’re si�ing there
thinking, “I just know the late John
Paul II wouldn’t have wanted us to
use ‘Like a Prayer’ as the opening
hymn,” and then a lightning bolt
kills the priest and you’re like,
“Yep.” Well, my loved ones won’t
make those mistakes when I die.
Everything at my funeral will be
just the way I want it.
You know when you get a bo�le
of pop out of the fridge and drink
it in your bedroom to wash down
the le�over chili you just heated
up, and then you just want to go
to sleep and you’re too lazy to put
the pop back in the fridge, and you
wake up the next morning and
you’re really thirsty but luckily
that bo�le of pop is still si�ing
at the foot of your bed? Yeah,
well, long story short, the only
drink served at my funeral will
be lukewarm Fresca. See, I feel
that the most effective way to
mourn my passing is to live
exactly as I did, if only for
one day. Fortunately for you, I
always dress in black and I sob
constantly.
The eulogy is also pre�y important.
Eulogies these days are always so
cliché; “great friend,” “wonderful
husband,” “fairly good father,”
“ o ve r l y a n a l y t i c a l g o l f e r, ”
“Demerol addict,” “convicted
arsonist,” whatever, who cares?
People don’t go to funerals to talk
about how great a dead person
was. Come on! They go because
it’s an excuse to buy flowers, wear
wingtips, and hug
strangers. That’s
why my eulogy will just be a guy
singing “The Heat Is On” while all
the funeral guests tap-dance and
hug each other and toss bouquets
in the air. It’ll be great.
Finally, my body will be disposed
of in the most humble and humane
way imaginable: the bo�om third
will be bronzed and turned into
New Brunswick’s first from-theknees-down statue, the middle
third will be donated to science
(they’re going to learn quite a bit
from my lower torso!), and the
top third will be burned to a fine
ash that will seed the clouds over
Paris and produce a sort of “Imran
rain.”
“Why are you carrying an umbrella,
mon cherie?” one Parisian will ask
another. “Did you really hate
Imran so much?”
Now, I realize it’s possible that
my last wishes won’t be taken
seriously just because they were
printed in a humour publication.
That’s fine. We’ll see how funny
this is when I’m dead.
Volume XLI
Issue IV
September 27th, 2006
Golden Words, Clark Hall
Queen’s University, Kingston, ON, K7L 3N6
tel: 533-3051
fax: 533-6678
e-mail:[email protected]
www.goldenwords.net
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The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Queen’s Engineering
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Editors
Don MacCannell
2:30PM - 4:30PM Tuesdays
Imran Zaidi
2:30PM - 4:30PM Wednesdays
Editorial
by Don
Sola Veritas est qui Facit ut me in Merda
Operations Manager
Dontum Leap
I traveled in time, this week. One
moment I was the first person to
run a lap inside an active particle
accelerator. Then there was an
intense flash of light. The next
thing I knew, I was bouncing from
era to era, righting wrongs and
making amends with my longdead relatives.
When I came to, I was staring up
a toga. Correctly assuming that I
had somehow traveled in time to
ancient Rome, I climbed to my feet
and introduced myself. Despite
the language barrier, I managed
to fit in fairly well with Roman
culture. In fact, I was having
a great time there until I was
suddenly transported, mid-orgy,
to the next time frame…
… which turned out to be the lunch
rush at the present-day Vatican.
I was there for a very naked and
very oiled fi�een seconds.
From there I zoomed into the
distant future, where apes had
supplanted humans as the earth’s
dominant race. I didn’t even have
the chance to catch my breath
before I was catapulted further into
the distant, distant future where
intelligent, mind-controlling fungi
had supplanted apes as the earth’s
dominant race. A lone ape kneeled
on a beach, head swept back to
the sky, shaking his fists in rage.
Moments later his athlete’s foot
commanded him to return to a
prison camp and he was powerless
to resist.
Next thing I knew, I was six
thousand years in the past. There
weren’t any people, but there was
some giant Guy in a white robe
stuffing dinosaur skeletons into the
ground. I tried to talk to him but he
mumbled something about testing
our faith. Then he summoned a
massive flood, and disappeared in
a column of light.
I arrived in the Balkans in 1914,
where I accidentally killed Franz
Ferdinand. Then I was pulled into
the year 2008, where I accidentally
killed Franz Ferdinand. Both
incidents triggered world wars.
I escaped back to 19 th Century
Europe. As far as I remember,
I both ordered the Charge of
the Light Brigade, and wrote
Tennyson’s poem about it. One
eventful day, I was sent back a
mere ten minutes. Knowing what
I needed to do, I narrowly tackled
myself out of the way of a speeding
carriage, before being flung to yet
another time. Thanks, by the way,
Don. You’re welcome, Don.
Andrew Dickinson
Office Hours by Appointment
Alicia Storey
Office Hours by Appointment
Business Manager
Editorial Staff
There were countless
more stops. I saw innumerable
historical moments and terrifying
visions of the future. I also saw the
final score of the 2020 Superbowl.
I won’t ruin it for you, but San
Francisco won’t be the best bet,
especially a�er the city falls into
the ocean during the halftime
show.
Unexpectedly, a�er what felt like
an eternity, I arrived back home, a
mere eight hours a�er I’d le�, in
my own room. It seemed so easy
to pass all of this off as a dream.
There was only one doubt: how
would I have dreamed that World
War I started in 1914? Either I’d
been there or I somehow had read
a history book. Occam’s Razor. I
traveled in time.
I learned so much from my travels,
not the least of which is my new
appreciation for the gi� of time—
a�er all, there’s precious li�le time
le� before the apes arise.
How was your week?
Editorial ends in a flash of light. Cue
theme song.
Copy Editors
Layout Editor
Layout Editor
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Staff Writers
Senior Staff Writer
Jessie Hale
Carlie McCann
Erin Marchak
Dominic Dobrzensky
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Erin Robinson
A.J. Packman
Production Staff
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Contributing Writers
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Curtis Stone
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Peter Blouw
Carey O’Connor
Mark Condos
Phrenz List
Ravenous Libido, Butterfinger McFlurry, tart, Snaggle Deuce, Justice
Pillow, Captain Funk, mustache peter, Caustic Muffin, Wrecktal Fury,
Pink Samurai, cleobis, chicklette the cat, Wreckin’ Logic, Chocolate
Pilaf, Frisbee Pilot, fridge on fire, Soul Brother #73, Flying Fox of the
Yard, pulchra pax, Deipnosophist, SmootH, snowman, Ivyclimber,
Indian Soul, LiL’ Taphy, commLob, dingledodie, wiggles, Appetite for
Destruction, Compton Kid, Gamebreaker, Milo Minderbinder, Fortuna
Tudor, Woody*, sippy cup, pepperpot, Local Hero, freedom toast,
Century Club, Arch the Angry Grapefruit, Glen Johnson, Faux Paws,
Inconspicuous Elephant, Mr. Amazing, kashous klay,
Banana Hammock Smoothee
On the Cover
He’s not a victim. It’s herpes.
Staff News
Masthead Wednesday at 5:30pm
Golden Words – Laughing at sick people since 1967.
Wordsday, September 27th, 2006
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 3
Olga Explain
HOW MAKE BABY
to make baby tube. Like baby clothes, but much
less wiggling. Old-fashioned, maybe, but held off
wolves.
or blindfold him, or listen to him talk about stupid
factory job, you should be ready. Good wife can do all
three and still get up at five to milk goat.
What you say? Olga can’t hear you stupid words
since hearing aid ba�ery fell in ear. Olga assumes you
want hear where baby come from, since you clearly
having trouble with this part. Okay. Here is way I
learned it.
Hey, why you backing away? Olga still needs to tell
how get baby started. This is tricky part. Every night
you must think of baby as hard as you can or you
could end up with dog or chicken or web-foot frog
boy. What? You think your brother likes being best
swimmer in town?
You find nice boy, not too tall, not too related, and
make him chase a�er you. To do this you mix two
parts ground meat, one part vodka, two goat parts,
and bake in pie. Some say love is magic ingredient,
but they forget to use opium. When boy passes out
you jam ring on his finger.
Hey! You girl! Put down book and come sit by Olga.
On floor. Close to fire, where I can reach your stupid
fat head with cane.
You how old now? Fourteen? Fi�een? Why you not
have whole house of kids by now? In old country we
had new baby every week. Babies in cradles along
every hallway and two stuffed in each cupboard. My
dear mamooshka used to knit two socks together
After married, very important to set boundaries.
Never let husband into bedroom unless light is off.
Olga don’t remember why her mother told her this.
Maybe husband was vampire. More likely that
husband was afraid of wooden legs.
Once you have husband in bed, you cannot let him leave.
There is superstition back in old country that man who
leaves bed gets ankles eaten by rats. So try to relax and
enjoy time together. If husband wants you to hit him,
It is your job to keep home in good order. Try to have
baby done before husband gets home. With practice,
you can learn to have baby before goose is done but
before potato-goat biscuits need stuffing. Then, just
leave new baby with animals in pen. Pigs do best
parenting, horses do good loving. Rats teach child
le�ers and number system.
So there you go, I tell you how to have bright, babyful
future and you still si�ing there. Why you not finding
husband right now!? You want to end up like your
sister? Fat and employed? Huh!? Is that what you want?
A job? Go ahead. Just don’t come crying to Olga when
you get too rich to have babies.
IvyClimber
The
Transcendentalist
Dentist
Dentist: Look inside yourself. Spiritually, does your
‘toof’ really hurt?
Dentist: Do you want me to show you? Do you!? Do
you want me to show you how to transcend!?
Kid: (crying) Yes.
Kid: Pwease… Anything…
Dentist: Stop lying to me! I said look inside yourself!
Inside!
Dentist: Fine!
Kid: (sobbing) But I don’t understand what you’re
talking about! Pwease, just help me!
A white light envelops the doctor. There is a loud booming
sound inside the small office. The Dentist transcends to
assume the awesome power of the cosmos.
Dentist: DO YOU SEE!? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE
WROUGHT!? FOREGO YOUR WORLDY SENSES! I
AM EVERYTHING! EUUUGHAAAAAAAHHH!!!!
Kid: Hey, my toof’s be�er!
Deipnosophist
Wordsday, September 27th, 2006
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 4
n
e
a
r
i
u
A
r
s
a
a
T
n
e
i
w
l
r
o
o
e
P
t
H
Ve
Vanessa: Oh yeah! OH YEAH! SEX IS FUN!
Me: Fuck off! I won’t punch you!
Chicken: Squawk?
Me: You bet it is!
Vanessa: Not with your fists! Use the chicken! The
chicken! Whack me with the chicken!
Vanessa: Stop it! Stop it before it gets away! Stop my
chicken! Fuck! Forget it! Choke me!
Vanessa hands me a live chicken.
Me: That’s sick!
Me: Ow! The chicken bit me!
Vanessa: I said choke me!
Vanessa: You asshole!
Me: Fuck you!
Vanessa: Oh, you’re so good! You’re a good boy!
Me: Hey, wait a second…
Vanessa: Heel, bitch! Heel for mommy!
Me: I knew it! I knew it! I don’t want to be the welltrained, prize-winning pup. I think it’s your turn to
be the well-trained, prize-winning pup!
Vanessa: Alright! Fine. How about no one’s the
well-trained, prize-winning pup? Let’s just fuck
normally this time. Yeah. Like that. Yeah. Yeah, now
we’re fucking normally, all right! Oh yeah! Now do
it backwards!
Me: What?
Vanessa: Backwards! Backwards! Do what you’re
doing backwards! Fuck! Backwards!
Me: I don’t understand you!
Vanessa: Aw yeah, you don’t understand anything.
Hit me!
Me: I’m not going to hit you!
Vanessa: Hit me!
Vanessa: Use this live ra�lesnake and fucking choke
me.
Ra�lesnake: *Ra�les*
Vanessa: Do it! Wrap the poisonous ra�lesnake around
my neck and choke me!
Me: But I hate snakes!
Vanessa: Then use the puppy!
Puppy: Woof!
Vanessa: Yeah! Yeah! You’re an animal! You’re an
animal!
Me: No! I’m not! And I never will be!
Deipnosophist
Wordsday, September 27th, 2006
GOLDEN WORDS
Estelle: Hey, look guys! It’s
Ned, the Lamp-Fucker!
THE PARTY
Richard: WOOOOOHOOOOOOO! PAAARTAAY!
Ned: That’s Electric Ned.
Electric Ned.
***
Georgie: This is some place
you’ve got for yourself, Herm!
Just look at that cheese!
Herman: Why thank you,
Georgie. I should, however,
warn you to be wary of that
particular slab of cheese;
it’s sentient. It can speak
five languages and has
memorized the Bhagavad
Gita. Unfortunately, it can’t
seem to swim or love.
Page 5
***
Girl: Hey, do you want to dance?
Guy: Yeah! I love dancing!
(The two dance. They have a long talk that night, go out
for a few months, and fall in love, ge�ing married the next
year and having three children, the third of which grows
into a precocious young girl who, one day a�er school, asks
her parents how they met, and her mother tells her about
how they met at a party and her father admits that he
didn’t actually love dancing as he had claimed that night,
prompting his wife to leave the room in tears, demanding
a divorce, forcing him to move out of the family home
to a small bachelor apartment where he cries himself to
sleep every night and pays ridiculous prices for water and
electricity and has to deal with an obnoxious landlady who
smells of cats, but actually loves dancing.)
***
Horace: Let’s go. This party’s boring.
Madeline: Richard! Indoor voice!
Cheese: “Time I am, destroyer of all worlds, and I
have come to engage all people.”
Richard: Fine. “Party.”
Herman: Oh, and it also subsists on human flesh.
Marie: Oh, come on, honey. Maybe you’re just not
drunk enough.
Madeline: There! Now we’re having fun!
Georgie: Jeez! That must be ex-pen-sive! How much
did it cost ya? Fi�y, maybe fi�y-five bucks?
Horace: I am drunk. And I’m bored! I wanna see a
elephant.
Herman: Something like that.
Marie: The zoos are closed, dear. Why don’t we just go
home and have some sex? You like sex, don’t you?
***
Jimmy: No. I don’t believe you.
Ned: Trust me. You just unscrew the light bulb, get
in, and click it on. Works every time.
Jimmy: Yeah right. Wouldn’t you just get
electrocuted?
Ned: Of course not. Look, I’ve done it before. They
don’t call me “Electric Ned” for nothing.
(The cheese bites off Georgie’s le� hand.)
Herman: What luxury!
***
Keith: Oh my God! Is that Thom Yorke?
Thom Yorke: Yes, it’s me: Thom Yorke.
Horace: I! WANNA! SEE! A! ELA! FANT!
(An elephant walks through the living room.)
Horace: Elephants are boring.
Flying Fox of the Yard
Page 6
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 41, Issue 4
Wordsday, September 27h, 2006
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 7
{ }
Page 8
GOLDEN WORDS
T h e Pit c h
Ryan: …and then the camera zooms out and you see the planet they were on
and you realize… wait for it…. it was Earth all along!
Stuart: And that’s it?
Ryan: That’s it. So, what do you think?
Stuart: That was possibly the worst pitch I have ever heard.
Ryan: You didn’t like the twist ending?
Stuart: It has a twist ending?
Ryan: Yeah. Remember? It was Earth all along!
Stuart: But the plot of your film is just a guy filling out forms to get a driver’s
license. It’s pre�y obvious that the film takes place on Earth.
Ryan: He could be in space.
Stuart: But he wouldn’t be in space. You can’t drive in space; no stop signs. Do
people even have driver’s licenses anymore? I know I don’t.
Ryan: Hmm… well… what if the guy’s filling out forms to get a boating
license?
Stuart: A boating license, eh? Now, boats are the ones that float on water, right?
TOP
Volume 41, Issue 4
49
UNDERUSED TERMS
for
MASTURBATION
Shaking hands with the unemployed - Badgering the witness Calling Johnson to the stand - Jacking off - Jilling off - Ringing Big
Ben (Britain only) - Mass deforestation of an unprecedented scale
- Spankin’ it - Celebrating your independence - Scaring the albino
- Pilfering the treasury (Fort Knox only) - Fort knockin’ - Raising the
terror alert - Self abuse - Self love - Self doin’ it - Procrastination Clinging to hope - All hands on dick - Ge�ing off for good behaviour
- Sugaring one’s own cupcake - Turkish delight (Switzerland only)
- A�ending the evening service - Cheering for the home team
- Presenting your thesis - Existentialism - Commemorating the
coronation of Charles II - Sticking it to the man - Bringing sketchy
back - Finding the Indian in the cupboard - Making love to an
invisible girlfriend - Me time - Relishing your hot dog - Fucking
your hand - Bee time - ECON 110 - Voting Liberal - Christening
the S. S. Futon - Mastering the baton - Master Debating - Debating
the Master - Strangling the Pope - Assuming the crash position
- Thanking Duracell - Spreading British imperialism - RSVPing
to a private invitation - Pornography appreciation - Supporting
human rights - Tackling pertinent issues - Touring the facilities
and picking up slack
Ryan: Yes.
IvyClimber & Giant Sock et al.
Stuart: Then we’ve got ourselves a boat.
Ryan: A movie?
Stuart: Sure, that too.
Flying Fox of the Yard
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Wordsday, September 27th, 2006
GOLDEN WORDS
Murder, She Rope
On the 30th of June, 1908, a massive fireball crashed
into the Tunguska River valley in Siberia. When the
chief science advisors of Tsar Nicholas II arrived at
the crash site, they discovered what appeared to be a
time capsule from an alternate future. Detailed within
was the dystopian world of 2077, where evil rope
corporations and their subsidiaries dominate every
aspect of life.
Here is the text of an advertisement yet to come...
***
Rope!
SCIENCE UPDATE: Leading researchers at the
Harvard Rope Institute consider the umbilical cord to
be “nature’s rope.” We make our rope with the same
love and tenderness that goes into a newborn baby.
Through its placenta.
Hey poor people! Can’t afford to send your kids to school
due to excessive taxes on food, electricity, and all other
non-rope goods? Why not send them all expenses paid
to your local rope school?2
Buy your full allotment of rope or face the death
squads! Careful – they’ve got rope!
Tip: Here are just a few of rope’s “1001 Uses™”
Rope is the rope that binds our society together in a
figurative and literal sense. Use it!
Note: Wild bulls may be extinct in your area due to extensive
rope farming.
• Have a tug of war. The games never stop with
rope!
Rope is life!
We do not test on animals! That’s an evil rope
conglomerate guarantee!4
1
• Catch a wild bull1
• Hang yourself in the name of eugenics
The number one movie in the country is A Rope and A
Prayer. It’s the heart-warming story about a man, his
rope, and his desire to buy even more rope.
Footnotes
• Tie things to other things
• Thwart burglars
You all know that rope helps you climb up things, but
how many of you know that you can also climb down
rope? It’s that kind of versatility that truly makes the
Rope Difference™!
Do not fail us again.
• Climb it
• Use it to hold up your pants
100% of doctors agree... Rope is the cure for cancer!3
Buy in bulk!
Rope is fashion! Pants, shirts, and even hats can be
fashioned from smooth, refreshing rope. The constant
chafing will be a reminder to always listen to rope
salesmen.
Scientists have determined that the so-called “miracle
product” is truly a modern day miracle.
• Hang it from your ceiling for a decoration that’ll
impress the “in” crowd.
Page 9
2
Disclaimer: By sending your child to rope school, you officially
sell them and their descendants into slavery.
Rope is the only friend you need
Can’t afford food? Dip rope in chicken stock or meat
drippings and you’ve got a tasty treat that can’t be
beat. You’ll need to keep your strength for long days
at the rope factory!
3
According to a survey of 10 doctors, all of whom are employees
of the hegemonic rope conglomerate.
4
Provided that humans are not considered animals.
A Wealthy Industrialist
Page 10
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 41, Issue 4
Strange Bedfellows
I’m running, but this isn’t just any kind of regular
running; not by a mile. You see, I’m running in a
race around the world, carrying the Olympic torch,
and I’ve almost finished the Zeppelin lap. Just a few
more helicopter hops, and I’ll be at the finish line
and can bathe in the pool of molten chocolate that
awaits me.
“Aren’t you forge�ing someone?” says my elementary
school teacher, Ms. Cummingham, as her heaving
breasts pop out from the other side of Steve. “And
remember, I still need your book report on the Bernstein
Bears’ Bedtime Ba�le. It’s twelve years overdue.”
I’m almost there - almost - when it happens. I wake
up.
“Would you please keep it down? You’re killing
the mood,” says an irritated Tom Selleck before
continuing to spoon with Italian prime minister Silvio
Berlusconi.
“Wow, what a crazy dream,” I think to myself in that
post-dream stupor of blissful confusion. I roll over
to look at the clock, and that’s when it hits me: I am
not alone in this bed.
“Fuck yeah,” I think to myself as I realize that the
naked person lying next to me is Brenda, the new
intern at my office. I can’t wait to tell Steve about
this.
“Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing here,
Steve?” I yell. My cubicle partner, also quite naked,
is lying next to me on the other side. Steve mu�ers
something about not wanting to cuddle with me.
“What have I done?” I cry in agony. “Threesomes
aren’t supposed to be like this!”
“Who the fuck is next? Tom Selleck?”
“What is going on here?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bo�om of this mystery,”
says Angela Lansbury as she pops out from under the
bed and begins to type madly at a typewriter in a very
naked manner. Within five minutes, everyone else in
the room starts to confess to everything they’ve ever
done. I’ve never seen a naked senior citizen before,
but I don’t think I’m going to be able to eat grilled
cheese ever again.
That’s when the furiously stunted figure of Joe Pesci
suddenly emerges from the closet with nothing but his
pistol in hand and begins what is for him, an unusual
tirade: “How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is
so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny. I
mean funny like I’m a
clown? I amuse you?
I make you laugh? I’m
here to fucking amuse
you?”
The Man Without A Torso Has
A Brief Conversation With A
Man Who Has A Torso
Steve: Man, I really want to impress Cindy on our date. What shirt do you think
I should wear?
Dave: What’s a shirt?
Steve: What do you m- (looks at Dave for the first time) AAAAAAAAH!!
Dave: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
A Wealthy Industrialist
“Did someone mention
clowns?” asks Bozo
the Clown as he exits
the bathroom wearing
nothing but his birthday
suit and two big, red
rubber shoes.
Just when I think it can’t get any worse, there’s a knock
at the door, and in struts Karen Hitchcock (fullyclothed, thank God). “I would just like to remind
you that the traditions of academic excellence and
service are rich and strong here at Queen’s; the legacy
entrusted to all of us is one replete with examples of
how this institution has helped to shape the lives of
our students and the life of this country. As today’s
stewards of this exceptional centre of learning, we have
the opportunity – the responsibility – to determine its
future course… ensure that the decisions we make
will enrich the legacy which is Queen’s. Thank you
for engaging with me.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t take it anymore!”
I try to get out of bed and get the hell out of this
room, but I only manage to trip over a very X-rated
David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson having a
close encounter at the foot of the bed. As my body
floats, almost weightlessly, before hi�ing the floor, I
can think of only one thing: where the fuck did Henry
Kissinger come from, and why is he doing body shots
off Aretha Franklin?
My head hits the ground and just before everything
goes black, I can barely make out what sounds to be
the beginning of I Will Survive.
When I wake up, I find that I am in my bed again. I
quickly scan the room.
It was all just a dream.
I let out a sigh of relief, lay back down, and roll over
on my side.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” asks a concerned Smokey
the Bear lying next to me.
“Yes, cuddle-bear, everything’s just as it should be.”
Banana Hammock Smoothee
GOLDEN WORDS
Wordsday, September 27th, 2006
Deadline: Friday, October 7th
Only those selected for an interview will
be contacted.Attention Sci’10:
NOW HIRING:
ENGINEERING
SOCIETY BOARD OF
DIRECTORS
Do you like a challenge? Do you think
you have what it takes?
Email [email protected] for an
application form.
Frosh Elections are on September 20th,
at 6:30, in Stirling B (that’s tonight if
you’re reading this on Wednesday).
Come out and run for a position to
represent your year. If you don’t want
to run, come out and vote anyways.
SCIENCE QUEST IS
HIRING!
Positions Available: Program Director,
Business Director
Science Quest is an organization which
has been operating out of the Queen’s
Engineering Society since 1988. Started
Bowlin’
(Bill reaches into his bag and gingerly removes a human head. He slaps it and it wakes
up, horrified.)
Head: Oh god! It was real! The nightmare was real!
Page 11
by two female Queen’s engineers, the
goal of the program has remained the
same since conception; to show kids
grades 4-8 that science and engineering
can be fun! Every year, through in-class
workshops and weekly summer camps
Science Quest shows 6000-8000 kids that
science can be interesting, hands-on and
very exciting. As a director, your duties
would include hiring and managing an
instructor team of 12, finances, program
development among many others.
Perks include a top-notch office in the
ILC, a manager-sized salary and great
managerial experience for the résumé.
Check out the science quest website
www.sciencequest.ca to download the
application or you can pick it up on our
office door located in the engineering
society lounge. Applications are due
Friday, September 29th in Clark’s Black
Box.
Dear Carlie
Sorry you got thrown up on,
Yours, Sir Francis Bacon
Dear Sir Francis Bacon,
I hate you! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!
Ohhh, Horace
Dear Sherlock,
I need some coke. Li�le help?
Yours, Watson
Dear Wes Anderson,
Hey you should make a sequel to The
Royal Tenenbaums. Bring Royal back
as a serial killer!
Yours, Mike
Dear Eve,
Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
Dear Adam
Hahaha I can do anything!
Please, Adam
Hahaha, Eve
Dear Kim,
God, I hate Dan T…and many others.
Mk
Dear Melissa Todd
Hope your classes are going well. Don’t
let the rain get you down.
Eve spent a really long time colouring
Sincerely, Dominic that awesome Mario Vs Bowser comic.
Dear Bryan Logan
Hi Bryan Logan!
Yours, Brendan (friend of Bryan Logan)
Pete: TONIGHT WE BOWL!
(Bill nods and rolls the head down the alley.)
Head: Dear God in Heaven, why?! What have I done to deser— (it strikes the pins,
knocking over one) Oh god, the pain!
Dear Queen Elizabeth II
Keep on “Truckin’”
Hugs and Kisses, A Loyal Subject
Pete: (sipping from an ornate goblet) Wow, Bill. It looks like you’re ahead by one
pin.
GW CHALLENGE: Can you find all the
errors in this sentence?
A Wealthy Industrialist
Dear Carlie
You WERE the life of the party.
Hugs and Kisses, Dominic
Paradise Lost
Adam: Don’t eat it!
Eve: Fuck you!
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