November 2, 2000
Transcription
November 2, 2000
TableofContents Author’sNote October28,2000 October31,2000 November2,2000 November3,2000 November4,2000 November5,2000 November8,2000 November11,2000 Flashback:June15-21,1996 November17,2000 November18,2000 November21,2000 November23,2000 Flashback:June26,1996 November24,2000 November25,2000 AppendixI:Faux-WikipediaEntry:FS AppendixII:Faux-WikipediaEntry:MLS AppendixIII:OnWritingASL AppendixIV:ABriefNoteOnDeafCulture AppendixV:ABriefNoteontheUSFosterCareSystem AppendixVI:JonesvilleMemorialHospitalFloorGuide OtherTitlesbyChieAlemán AboutTheAuthor 2 Copyright©2015byChieAlemán. Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,or transmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,includingphotocopying,recording,orother electronicormechanicalmethods,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher, exceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalreviewsandcertainother noncommercialusespermittedbycopyrightlaw. CoverDesignCopyright©2015byChieAlemán SketchofKaibyInkDevil.Allimagesandfontsusedarepartofthepublicdomain. Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,businesses,places,eventsandincidentsare eithertheproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorusedinafictitiousmanner.Any resemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,oractualeventsispurelycoincidental. Thisworkisprovidedfreeofcostinebookformasacourtesytomyreaders.Pleasedo notdisrespectmeormywritingbyusinganyofmymaterialwithoutcontactingmefirst. ChieAlemán @ChieAleman http://chiealeman.com [email protected] 3 In/Exhale:SeasonTwo by:ChieAlemán 4 “Witheverybreath,theoldmomentislost;anewmomentarrives.Weexhaleandwe letgooftheoldmoment.Itislosttous.Indoingso,weletgoofthepersonweusedto be.Weinhaleandbreatheinthemomentthatisbecoming.Indoingso,wewelcome thepersonwearebecoming.Werepeattheprocess.Thisismeditation.Thisisrenewal. Thisislife.” ―LamaSuryaDas,LettingGoOfThePersonYouUsedToBe 5 Author’sNote Thoseofyouwhoreadmyauthor’snoteforSeasonOneofIn/Exhaleknowthatitisn’t justastory,butverymuchpartofme.SeasonTwo—especiallythesecondhalf—wasa reallyroughtimeforbothKaiandme,andIknowitcanbedifficulttoreadatcertain points.Itwasextremelydifficulttowrite. I’mafirmbelieverthatI’mnotacreator,butmoreofaninterpreter—these emotionsandcharactersalreadyexist,andmyroleistobringthemtolifeforyousothat youcanexperiencethem,too.It’sonereasonI’veneverdonewellwitharigidwriting stylethatinvolvesalotofcarefulplanning,becauseevenifIcomeupwithadozen possiblewayssomethingcouldturnout,mycharactersalwaystakemesomewhereelse —andthestoryisinevitablybetterwhenIfollowtheminsteadoftryingtotooharshly takethelead. Thatwassotruewiththisseason.Istruggledforalong,longtimewiththe directionitwantedtogo,knowinghowharditwouldbeforme,forKai,andformy readers.ButnomatterhowmuchbothKaiandIstruggledagainstit,Ifinallyrealized thatIwasn’tbeingtruetomyself,toKai,tothestory,ortoanyofyoubytryingtoholdit back. AndsoIwentthere.Iwenttothedarkplaces,tothescaryplaces,totheplaces thatKaihadbeenavoidingjustasmuchasIhad.And,asIlookback,havingspentalot oftimeonSeasonThree,Iknowitwastherightdecision.It’simpossibletogrow,to heal,withoutconfrontingoldwounds,andthoughIwishthingscouldhavebeeneasier, Iknownowitwastheonlyway. Whatreallygivesmecouragetokeepwritingthisstory,tokeepsharingthis story,isthegreatfeedbackI’vegottenfromsomeofyouwhohaveyourowndemonsto dealwith,andwho,throughreadingthislastseason,haveabletoconfrontthem yourselvesandstartmovingtowardhealing. Astheoldclichésays,“It’salwaysdarkestbeforethedawn,”right? Thispastyearhasbeenahardone,adarkone,butI’mhopefulthere’smuch morelightinthefuture,forme,forKai,andforallofyou.Thanksforreading. YoucaninteractwithmeonTwitter@ChieAlemanorvisitmywebsite, http://chiealeman.comformoredisability-relatedfictionandmusings,including informationonUnConventional,myfirstprofessionallypublishednovel,availablenow fromallmajorebookretailers. Enjoy,andI’llseeyouinSeasonThree. -ChieAlemán Note:Thisseason’sebookincludesalltheoriginalappendices(soyoucanrefreshon MLSandFS,forexample),alongwithtwonewones.Thefirstnewappendixoffersabit ofanexplanationoftheUSfostersystem(inspiredbysomeofyourquestionsaboutit) andthesecondgivesyouafloorplanofJMH,incaseyou’respatiallycuriousastowhich 6 departmentsandsectionsoccupywhichfloorsofthehospital. 7 October28,2000 “Thecoffeereadyyet?”Artcalled,cominginfromthebackroom. “Almost,”Reneesaid,standingonastepladder,pouringthewaterintothe machine. “Good.TheASLstoryhourisatten,andalotofpeoplefromtheDeaf Communitycomeoutofthewoodwork.Iwanttomakesureeveryonehascoffeeifthey wantit.” Reneefinishedandstartedclimbingdown,glancingoveratArt,whowas pushingalittlerollingcartstackedwithfoldingchairs.“Isthissomethingyoudooften?” Artsighed.“Iusedtodoitmonthly,butthevolunteerhadherownbabyand hadtostop.ThisisthefirstmonthinalongtimethatIwasabletofindsomeoneelseto fillin.” “I’llgetthisstartedandmeetyouinthechildren’ssectiontogetthosesetup?” “Soundsgood,”Artsaid,callingoverhisshoulder.“Makesurethereareplenty ofcupsandsugarandallofthatbeforeyoudo.” “Ofcourse,si—Art,”Reneesaid.Evenafteracouplemonths,shestill sometimesslippedinto“sir”insteadoftherequestedfirstname;hergrandparents mannersweredrilledintoherbrain. Afewminuteslater,Reneewasjustfinishingsettingupthechairsfortheparentswhen sheheardthechimeofthefrontdoor,indicatingsomeonewashere.Itwasn’tquitenine yet,whentheyofficiallyopened,soshejoggedouttothemainareaofthestoreto investigate.Herheartdidadelightfulskipwhenshesawafamiliarblondfigureina wheelchairrollin. Hedidn’tnoticeherimmediately,butwhenhedid,hisfacelitup,andhe pushedcloser,glidingtoastopjustafootaway.“Morning,”hesaid. “Morning,”sheechoed,herchestsuddenlytightandhercheeksflushed.“We don’topenforanothertenminutes,butIsupposeIcanhelpyouifyouneedanything?” Kaismiled,shookhishead.“IknowI’mearly,butIfiguredthatgivesmetime topickoutthebooks.” Renee’seyebrowscrawledtogetherinconfusion.“Books?” BeforeKaicouldrespond,Artappeared,rushinguptoKaiandpattinghim enthusiasticallyontheback.“Sogladyoucouldmakeit.Thekidshavereallymissedout thepastfewmonths.” KaiandArtshookheartily,butKailaughedatthebewildermentthatwas evidentonRenee’sface.“I’mguessinghedidn’ttellyouI’mthereplacement.” Artshrugged.“Itrynottogetinvolved,”hesaid,butheflashedacraftysmileas hemutteredsomethingaboutdouble-checkingtheregisteranddisappeared,leaving themalone. “So...whendidArtaskyouaboutdoingthis?” Kaipushedtowardthechildren’ssection.“Lastweek.” “Andyousaidyes?Ithoughtyouwereavoidingherebecauseofme.” “Iwas.Ididn’ttellhimyesuntilyesterday.”Kaidisappearedintotheshelves, hisbacktoher,soshecouldn’treadhisexpression.Although,withKai,evenseeinghis facemaynothavecluedherin.Butsurelyitmeantsomethingifhehadonlyagreedto 8 dothisafterreconnectingwithher,right?AndasgoodanactorasKaimaybe,he couldn’tpossiblyhavefakedthelookonhisfacewhenhefirstsawher.ItmadeRenee smile. Thespacebetweenthechildren’s’bookshelveswasalittletighterthan elsewhereinthestore,andKaipulledhimselfalongslowlybygrippingtheshelveson eachsideashescannedthetitles. “Whatareyoulookingfor?” Hepaused,dippedhisheadbacktolookupather.“Somethingtoreadtothe kids?” Shestuckhertongueout.“WhataboutDr.Seuss?Allkidslovehim.” “Yeah,mostdeafpeoplecan’tappreciaterhymeinthesamewaythathearies can,”Kaiexplained,pullingoutabookandflippingthroughit.“Icaninterpret,of course,butI’dratherdosomethingelsethattranslatesbetter.Preferablysomethingthat willhelpreinforcesignstheyalreadyknowandmaybeteachthemsomenewones.” “WhataboutAmeliaBedlia?IusedtolovethosewhenIwasakid.” Kaireplacedthebookhe’dbeenskimmingandpulledhimselffartherdownthe row.“Idon’tknowthose.Jonreadtomebeforeourparentsdied,butafterthat,my accesstobookswasmorelimited.”Kaishrugged. “Oh,it’saboutthismaidwhotakeseverythingliterally,solike,she’stoldto drawthedrapes,soshetakesasketchpadanddrawsthem.Orshe’stoldtodressthe chickenfordinner,sosheputsclothesonit.” Kaireachedtheedgeoftherow,sohewasabletoturnaround.Shecouldn’t readhisexpression,buthisheadwastiltedtothesideslightly.“Drawthedrapes,”Kai saidashesigned,makinganoutlineofcurtainsintheairwithhisspreadfingers, bringingthemout,thendown.Next,heheldhishandsup,flat,palmsout,bringing themtogethersohisthumbstouched.“Drawthedrapes,”herepeatedinEnglish,this timeholdinghislefthandoutandguidinghispinkyalonghispalm,asifhewere scribblingonit.“WordplaylikethatrarelytranslatesfromEnglishtoASL.” “I’msorry,”Reneesaid,staringatherfootasshetoedthefloor,embarrassed. “Hey,”hesaid,reachingoutforher,hisfingertipsjusttouchingher;itwas enoughtosendthatwonderfultinglecoursingthroughher,takingawaysomeofher embarrassment.“You’reusedtothinkinginEnglish.It’sOK.Just...imagineyouwere goingtoreadoneofthesebooks,butinFrenchinsteadofthewayit’swritten,in English.Thinkvisually.Bookswherethere’salotofvisualstorytelling.Orbooksthat teachcolorsandnumbersandthingslikethat.” “Youactlikeyou’vedonethisbefore.” Kaishrugged.“Somethinglikethat.” ReneeheldinasighatKai’susualnoncommittalresponse,butsheletitbe. WithKai,itseemedshe’dhavetochooseherbattles,andthiswasn’toneworth pursuing,atleastnotrightnow.ReneefollowedKaitoanendcap,whereafewnew releasesweredisplayedalongsidesomeclassics. “Oh,Iwasobsessedwiththisbook,”Kaisaid,pluckingacopyoftheVelveteen Rabbitandflippingthroughit.“Jonreadittome.”Kaiturnedafewpages,scanningthe text.“IusedtowonderifIwasn’t‘Real,’andifthat’swhyIwassobroken,”Kaisaidina whisper.“Ithought,maybeiftherabbitcouldbecomeReal,Icould,too.”Hesighed,set thebookinhislap.“Realisn’thowyouaremade,”Kaisaid,asifquoting,hisfingertip tracingtheoutlineoftherabbitonthecover,“butsomethingthathappenstoyouwhen you’reloved.Whenyou’reReal,youdon’tmindbeinghurt.OnceyouareReal,youcan’t 9 beugly.” Reneelaidahandonhisshoulder,relievedwhenheacceptedhertouchby reachingupandrestinghishandontopofhers,onlyforamomentbeforelookingupat her.Hiseyeswerefilledwithadepthofemotionshecouldn’tquiteextract,likestaring atthebackofaweavingandtryingtointerpretthepictureontheotherside. Shesqueezedaroundhim,joggingdowntheshelvestillshefoundwhatshewas lookingfor,pullingitoutandreturningtoshowhim.“Whataboutthisone?” Kaiblinked,shookhishead,asifhe’dbeenlostinthoughtbeforefinally reachingoutandacceptingthebook.Heflippedthroughit.“TheVeryHungry Caterpillar.Oh,thisisperfect,Re.” Shelovedhearinghernameabbreviatedlikethat,sincehewastheonlyone whoeverdid,anditrolledoffhistongue,deepandopenandbright.“It’sbeautifulto lookat,andit’sgotalotoflearningstuffinit.Fruitsandcolorsandnumbersandthings likethat.” Hesmiledather,tuckedthebooksbetweenhislegstomakesuretheywouldn’t fall,andwheeledtowardthereadingarea,layingthemoutonthefoldingchairRenee hadassumedthereaderwasgoingtositin. “Whatareyoudoing?” “I’mgoingtoreadthese,soIcanstartthinkingofhowI’llinterpretthem. EspeciallytheVelveteenRabbit.It’sbeenalongtimeandthatone’sabitmore complex.” “Oh.OK.Well,uh,I’llbeinthefrontifyouneedme.” Kaismiled.“Youshouldwatch,ifyoucan.Youknow,later.”Heblushed slightly. Reneenodded,then,atthelastminute,rushedupandstoleaquickkiss.She wantedtotellhimsomethingcheesy,likehefeltRealtoher,butflusheddeepred insteadatthemerethought,soheldhertongue.“Uh,goodluckwiththekids.I’lltalkto youafter?” Henodded.“MaybeI’llevenconvinceArttoletmestealyouawayforlunch.” Arthadn’tbeenjokingabouthowtheplacewouldfillupforthestoryhour.Thoughthe storewaspackedwithparentsandchildren,insteadofthedinofmultipleconversations, shemerelyheardtheslapofskinagainstskinandtheoccasionalinarticulatesoundas parentsgossipedeagerlywitheachother,catchingup,andthethunderousfootstepsand cacklesofchildrenplayingandchasingoneanother.Reneefoundherselfentrancedby theconversations,howanimatedtheywere,involvingmuchmorethanjusthands. Afterafewmoments,oneofthemothershelpedsettleallthechildren,andKai rolledin,takinghisplaceatthefront.SomeofthemotherstookthechairsArtand Reneehadlaidoutearlier,butthereweremoreadultsthanchairs,somanysimplystood towardtheback,waiting.Reneehadneverbeenarounddeafpeoplebefore,letaloneso many,andshefeltabitawkward,notknowingwhattosayordo,soshefoundaspotin theback,whereshecouldstillsee,anddecidedtotakeupKai’sinvitationtowatch. Kaibegantosign,hishandsmoving,hisfaceshifting,thatexpressivenessput tobeautifuluse. “AreyouRenee?”oneofthemomswhispered,leaningin.“Arttoldmehehad hiredsomeonenew.” “YouspeakEnglish,”Reneesaid,halfsurprisedandhalfrelieved. Thewomanlaughed.“Pam.Myhusband’sdeaf,andsoareourchildren.They 10 weresoexcitedwhenItoldthemASLstoryhourwasback.” Reneenodded.“What’shesaying?” “He’sintroducinghimself,invitingthemtoaskquestions.They’reaskingabout hiswheelchair.” Reneemimickedthesignshe’dseenKaimake,hishandsoneachside,asifhe werepushinghiswheels.“Thismeanswheelchair?”Reneeasked. Pamnodded.“He’sexplainingthatwalkingisdifficultforhim,sohis wheelchairhelps.Oh,nowhe’saskingthekidswhatcoloritis.” Reneewatchedasthekidsraisedtheirhands,palmsflat,thumbsfolded, wavingthemintheair.Kaismiledandnoddedhisfist,repeatedthesign.“Blue?”Renee asked,alsoimitatingthissign. Pamnodded,grinning.“Nowhe’saskingthemwhattheirfavoritecolorsare. Andpointingoutsomeexamplesofeach.That’swonderful;he’sreallyreinforcingwhat theyknow,engagingthem.Theotherreaderwasn’tlikethatatall.” Reneecouldn’thelpsmiling. “Nowhe’sexplaininghe’sgoingtoreadthemtwostories,oneshortoneand onelongerone.” ReneewatchedKaishowoffthebook,holdingitupwithonehandandsigning withtheother,hishandinakindofclawshape,drawingitdownsternlyoverhistorso, thenfoldinghisleftarmandinchingafingeralongit,hismouthmovingalittle,butno soundcomingout,hiseyebrowsarchingslightlywhenhedidwhathadtobethesignfor “caterpillar.”Helookedatthechildren,hiseyebrowsscrunchingtogether,leaning forward,hisrighthandsplayedonhisside,palmup,fingersslightlycurled,asiftosay, “huh?”Hepointedtothepictureofthecaterpillaronthecover,thenrepeatedthesign, thenhelduphisfistandmovedthroughseveralmotionsinvolvinghisfingers,then pointedtotheprintedword. “He’steachingthemthesignforcaterpillar,andspellingitoutforthem,too,so theycanstarttoassociatetheEnglishwordwiththeASLsign.Wonderful.” Kaiopenedthebook,makingsureeveryonegotachancetoseethefirst illustration,thenhelaiditfacedowninhislapandbegantellingthestory.Reneefound himadelighttowatch;hewassoexpressive,hissigningsuchthatshecouldalmost understandhim(knowingthestoryhelped,too).Occasionally,he’dpausetoshowthem thepicture,explainingasignand/orspellingitout,ashehadwith“caterpillar.”Apple, strawberries,oranges,etc.Kaiusedhisentireupperbody,hands,arms,andfacetotell thestory.EventhoughReneecouldn’tcompletelyfolloweverything,itwaswonderfulto watch.Hewashavingfun,andthekidswere,too,andtheywerelearningintheprocess. Reneefoundthepartwherethecaterpillareatsallkindsofstrangethings particularlyentertaining,asKaiwentthroughthedifferentfoods,excitedandeagerly “devouring”thecake,frowningatthepickle,makinglittleasidestopointoutwhatshe assumedmeanthe“loved”or“hated”aparticularfood,thenapparentlyaskingthekids fortheirfavorites,seeingachorusofsignsshecouldn’tidentify,butshecouldseethe othermomslookingonapprovingly. Shehadtocupherhandoverhermouthwhenshebegantolaughashesigned outthestomachachethecaterpillargotfromeatingallofthat,handsonhisstomach,an exaggeratedfrownonhisface.ShenoticedKairaisedasinglebrowandmethereyesfor amicroscopicinstant,butotherwisecontinuedwiththestory.Shehadtobiteherlip againwhenheshowedhowthecaterpillarwasn’tlittleanymore,itwasbigandfat, gesturingandpuffingouthischeeks,evenchangingthesignfor“caterpillar”toindicate 11 it,spreadingouthispinkieandthumbasheinchedhisindexfingerupalonghisarm. Pamlaughed,too,whenshesawhowKaiexplainedwhatacocoonwas,illustratingthe caterpillarwrappinghimselfup,thenpointingtothepictureinthebook,thenspelling outtheword. Finally,heendedwiththebeautifulbutterflyflyingaway.Reneeobservedhow thechildrenandtheparentsallraisedtheirhandsandshookthem.“It’swhatwedo insteadofclapping,”Pamtoldher.“He’samazing.IhopeArtcanconvincehimtodo thisagain.” Reneesmiled,caughtKai’seyes.Hewinkedatherbeforelookingbackatthe kids,askingthemsomething,perhapsaboutthebook,thatReneecouldn’tquitemake out.Butshewantedto.She’dprobablyneverlearntosignasnaturallyashedid,butshe wantedtoatleastlearnsomeofthebasics. Deafieswerenotoriousforprotractedgoodbyes—withavisuallanguagelikeASL,anda smallcommunity,Deafpeopledidn’tliketoturndownthechancetotalktoeachother facetoface.Nevertheless,Kaiwassurprised,whenhereenteredthebookstore,tofind someofthefamiliesfromthereadingearlierthatdaystillbustlingaround,andhisheart beatalittlefasteralthougheverythinghadgonewellsofar.He’dworried,initially,how theDeafieswouldreceivehim,anditwastheprimaryreasonhe’davoidedthe Communitythepastfewyears.Hehadbeenanxiousabouttheinevitablequestions— onesthatsometimescameevenbeforeintroductionsweremade—aboutwherehe learnedtosignorwherehewenttoschool.Orifhewasdeaforhearing.Theywere questionseveryDeafieaskedsomeonetheymetforthefirsttime,butforKai,they weren’teasy,simpleanswers.He’dworriedaboutalienatinghimselfagainifhe answeredtruthfully,buthedidn’twanttogetcaughtinalie,either.Yes,he’dstayed awayfromtheCommunityforyears,andhe’dchangedalotinthattime,butJonesville wasasmalltown,andtheDeafCommunity,evensmaller.Hislieswouldcatchupwith himandperhapsbeworsethanthetruth. Fortunately,mostofthemomshadbeentoobusycollectingchildrentodo morethansignaquick,single-handed“AMAZING”or“THANK-YOU”astheyyanked theirkidtowardtheexits.Thefewwhohadlingeredhadacceptedthetruth:thathe wenttoschoolatJSDuntileighthgrade,atwhichpoint,becausehewasanorphan,the stateforcedhimtogotothehearinghighschool.Insteadofmorequestions,thatmerely elicitedachorusofsympathy:Thatmusthavebeenawful.Howcouldtheydothat? Theyforcedyouintospeechtherapy?etc.,etc.Anditwasthatsimple.Maybehe’d impressedthemwithhissigningenoughtheyassumedhehadtobedeaf?Andwhy wouldaheariegotoadeafschool?Still,itwassurprisinglyrelievingtohavepassedthat barrier. Reneewasattheregister,smilingandalittleharried,ringingupawomanup whosechildrenwereracingaroundoneofthedisplaytables,playingtag. Afewotherwomenwereinline,andwhentheysawhim,theysmiledand wavedandthankedhimagain,insign,forthewonderfulreading,tellinghimhowmuch theirchildrenenjoyeditandhowtheyhopedtoseehimnextmonth.Anotherone,Pam, remindedhimabouttheHalloweenpartyattheschoolforthedeafTuesday,sayingshe hopedhe’dgo.Kaiforcedasmilethatdidn’tlookfakeandsigneditdependedon whetherhisTalesfromtheCripcostumecameinornot,overactingthepartofacorpse, eyesrolledback,tonguehangingout.Heknewshewashearingandwouldappreciate thepun,thoughgimpjokesoftenmadepeopleuncomfortable.Shefrozeforamoment, 12 fingerspelled“C-R-I-P”backtohim,double-checkingshe’dunderstoodhim. “JOKE,”Kaisigned.“I’llthinkaboutit.” Kaididn’tseePam’sresponse,becausehecaughtablurofmovementoutofthe cornerofhiseye,reachingoutreflexivelybeforehecouldtrulyprocesswhathappened. OneofthekidshadnearlyrunintoKai’schair,stoppedonlybyKai’sfirmgrip. “Becareful,”Kaisignedwithonehand,beforelettingthekidgo. Theboystoodthereforamoment,gaping.“You’rethestoryman.” Kaichuckled.“Yes.” “Areyourlegsreallybroken?” Theotherkidshadrealizedthegamehadstoppedandhadwanderedover, standingaroundsotheycouldseetheconversation. “Theydon’tworkright.ButIgettousethiscoolwheelchair.” Therewasaflutterofhands,allwantingtotouchit.Kailaughedandnodded, thoughhegrippedhispushrims,keepinghiswheelsimmobiletotrytominimizethe chanceofsmallfingersaccidentallygettingpinched. “Whenwillyoubefixed?”thefirstboysigned. “Idon’tknow.Maybesomeday,”Kaisaid. Bynow,Pam,apparentlythemotherofafewofthekids,wanderedoverand apologized,stillalittleflusteredbyKai’searlierjoke,butKaiwavedheroff. “TUESDAY,MAYBE,”Kaisigned.“Ifnot,nextmonth,”hesaid,asaformof goodbye,addingawavetothechildrenastheywereherdedaway.Theyoungquestionaskerkeptglancingback,finallysmilingwhenKaiwavedtohimspecifically. Afewmomentslater,andthestorewasempty.Reneewanderedovertohim, lookingtired.Shespottedthebaginhislap.“Isthatlunch?I’mstarving.” ItfeltalittlejarringtohearEnglishafterhissignedconversations,andhehad toremembertorespondverbally.“Yes.Nancy’schickensalad?” Reneepracticallyleaptonhim,wrappingherarmsaroundhisneckand squeezing.“Icouldmarryyourightnow.”Shepulledback,seeminglynotevenrealizing whatshe’dsaid,andadded,“Letmejustdouble-checkwithArtthatIcantakeabreak.” Kaicouldn’thelpchucklingashewatchedherskipoff,hercurlsbouncing. Thoughhe’dbeenfuriouswithJoninitially,hejusthadtorememberthewayhefelt everytimehekissedher:complete,grounded,andnooneelse,nothingelsemattered suddenly.Reneewasacuriousperson,hecouldtellthatmuch,butsheneverseemedto pushhimtoohard.NotlikeBecca,whowasconstantlyprobinganddemandingand insisting.Evenwhenheknewhewasn’tfullyincontrol,whenhewaswithRenee,he didn’tfeelpanicky.Knowingshe’dbethere—ironically—wastheonlyreasonhe’dfinally agreedtohelpArtout.Andnowthathe’ddoneit,seeingthelookonherfaceasshe watchedhimsign.... Kairealized...hecouldlovethisgirl. “Thebreakroom:theheightofromance,”Reneejokedasshelaidouttheirfood. Kaipushedachairoutofhiswaysohecouldpullintothetableandhelp Renee.“I’mnotmuchfortraditionalromanticgestures.Whybetritewhenyoucanbe personal?Besides,I’mdeathlyallergictopollen.” “IsthatyourwayoftellingmeI’llnevergetflowersfromyou?” “Realones.Unlessyoudon’twanttoseemeforacoupleweeksafterward.” Reneelaughedassheunwrappedhersandwich.“Youcouldn’ttakean antihistamineandlivewithwateryeyestomakemehappy?” 13 Hesmiledfaintly,rubbedhischestabsently.Honestly,hedidn’tknowhowhe’d reactwithhisnewlungs.Before,asingleflowercouldpotentiallykillhim.Butnow?He knewdustdidn’taffecthimasbadlyasbefore,thoughthatcouldalsobenervesstill healing;hiscoughresponsewasn’twhatitusedtobe. “Ifthatwasallitwas,IcouldandIwould.”Hisheartbegantorace,andhehad tohidehishandsunderthetableashefeltthemstarttotremble.No,please,notnow. Thehydroxyzinehe’dtakenthatmorningasaprecautionhadprobablywornoff.He knewheneededtotellherabouthistransplant,hisFS,but....Hehadtoredirecthis thoughtsbeforethisbubbleofanxietyturnedintoafull-blownpanicattack.That’sallhe needed,withReneeandherfront-rowseattothecrazyshow. Butthensheleanedacrossthetabletolayahandonhisarm,justfora moment,anditwaslikeawaveofcalmwashedoverhim.Hetookafewbreaths,looked upather. “Asthma?” Kaiswallowed.“Somethinglikethat.Itoldyoutherewasmorethanthechair.” “Flowersareoverratedanyway,”shesaid,castingitoffasifitgenuinelyweren’t abigdeal.ItmadeKaismiledespitehimself,andthoughhestillfeltaflurryofanxiety lingeringinhisstomach,Renee’sopen,honest,carefreeacceptancemadehimfeel better.“What’snotoverratedisyou.Youwerefantastic.” Kaishrugged,gratefulhishandswerestillsohecouldopenhissoupwithout spillingiteverywhere. “Really.Imean,Iknowthemomsweregushingoveryou,evenifIcouldn’t understandwhattheyweresaying.Andoneofthehearingmomstoldmeyouwerea milliontimesbetterthanthelastreader.” Kaistaredathissoup,stirringitwithhisplasticspoonasawaytoavoidher eyes.“Ofcoursethey’regoingtotellmeI’mwonderful.ThelasttimeArtwasabletodo thiswas...four?five?monthsago.They’lltellmeI’mJesusreincarnatedifitmeans they’llhaveoneSaturdaymorningamonththeydon’thavetobeathomewiththeir childrenrunningaround,drivingthemcrazy.” Resighed.“That’sawfullycynical.” Kaishrugged.Tastedsomesoup.Ithadgottencold,butheswallowedit anyway. “Doyouthink...doyouthinkIcouldlearn?” Kaifinallylookedup.“Learnwhat?” “Signlanguage,”Reneesaid,smiling,asifshe’dwantedtoadd“silly”totheend ofhersentence.Shewassobeautifullyhappyallthetime.Itwouldhavebeenannoying ifhedidn’tlovethatabouthersomuch. “Mosthearieswhosaytheywanttolearnpickupacouplesigns.”He demonstratedthe“Iloveyou”sign.“Thatdoesn’tmeanwhatyouthinkitdoes,bythe way.”Heshruggedagain.“Andthat’sit.Maybetheylearnabitmore,buttheystill basicallysignEnglishwithoutcaringaboutASLgrammar,usage,etc.Orlearning anythingaboutDeafculture.” Reneealmostliterallydeflated,andKairememberedtheothernightinhiscar, whenhisangerhadpouredthroughdespitehisbesteffortstocontainit,feeling,again, likeanasshole.Herewasawomanwhocalmedhisanxiety,whotookhisescalating amountofcrazyinstride,whoapparentlywantedtolearnASL,andyethehadthe portcullisdownandthesoldiersonthebarricades,readytofire. Hedecidedmaybeitwastimetoturndownhiscynicmeterafewnotches.“Do 14 youknowthealphabet?” Reneeshookherhead. Kailaidhisspoondown.“OK.Watch.I’mgoingtodoitfast,first,thenslow downandyoucandoitwithme.”Kaiblewthroughthealphabet,correctingherform whenshedidn’tgetitquiteright,remindinghertorelaxherhand—theironyofhis tellingsomeoneelsetorelaxnotescapinghim—untilshe’dgottenthehangofit,moreor less.“Practiceuntilyoucandoitwithoutthinking,andhopefullybeabletoatleastread whensomeonefingerspellstheirname.” “Domine.Myname.” Kaismiled,thenfingerspelledherfirstandlastname,showingherthesigns fornameandlastname.Simplifyingthingsforherbydouble-signingthe“E’s”in “Renee”insteadofsliding. “Nowyours.” Kaifelthissmilegrowing;Reneewasleanedforwardonthetable,hereyes sparklinglikealittlekid’s,engaged,excited,andsoincrediblykissable.Without thinking,Kairapidlyfingerspelledhisfirstandlastname. “Whoa.IfIdidn’tknowwhatyouweredoing,I’dnevergetthat.” Kaichuckled.“Mynameisreallyeasytofingerspellquickly,especiallymyfirst name;thelettersallflowintoeachother.K-A-I.F-O-X.” Shesquintedathim,asifassessinghim,beforesittingbackandtakingafew bitesofhersandwich.Onceshe’dswallowed,sheasked,“Ifyou’redescribingsomeone, doyoureallydo‘fat’likeyoudidinthestory?”Reneedemonstrated,lookingadorable, hercheekspuffedoutandherhandsspreadwideathersides.“Orwasthatjustforthe kids?” “Yesandno.ASLisavisuallanguage.WhereEnglishwoulduseamodifierlike ‘really’or‘very,’weconveyitbythewaywesignawordandinourfacialexpressions.So, like,‘reallytall’wouldlooklikethis,”hesaid,signingbyholdinghisrighthanduphigh abovehishead,hishandflat,shakingitabittoemphasizetheheight,alsoexpressingit onhisface,hismouthopeningtoemphasizeextremeheight.“And‘reallyshort’would bethesame,onlydownhere,”hesaid,usingthesamegesturebutattableheight,his facialexpressionshiftingagain.“Thatcanalsomean‘little’asin,‘whenIwaslittle,’but. ..you’lllearnASLisheavilycontext-based.” Sheobservedhimintentlythewholetime;hecouldalmostseeherbrain working,absorbingtheinformationgreedilyasshenibbledhersandwich.“Whatabout colors.IpickedupafewfromwatchingyoureadTheVeryHungryCaterpillar,but...” “Sure.COLORS,”Kaisaid,holdinghisspreadhandabovehismouth,wiggling hisfingersslightly.Thenhesignedthroughthebasicrainbow:red,orange,yellow, green,blue,purple,pink,white,black,gray,brown.First,todemonstrate,thenagain, slower,lettinghermimichim,correctingherwhennecessary. Shepickedupquickly,andKaibegantohopemaybesheactuallywouldlearn, atleastenoughforbasicconversation.Hisheartdidafunnytangoinhischestatthe thoughtofbeingwithawomanhecouldsignwith.Evenifhehadtoslowdown,evenif itwasn’tassmoothasitwouldbewithanativesigner.... “So,ifIwantedtodescribeyou,Imightsay,WOMAN,VERY-SHORT,THIN, HAIRBLACKCURLY,EYESGREEN.”Kaisignedslowly,speakingeachwordsoshe couldclearlysee. “HAIR?”Reneeasked,mimickinghim,herfingersonherheadasifshewere pickingupapieceofhair. 15 Kainoddedhisfist.“YES.” “OK,doyou!” Kaicouldn’thelpchucklingatherchildlikeexuberance.“Well,Icouldcheat andjustsay,‘manwheelchair,’”Kaisaidwithoutsigning.“Butyouwouldn’tlearn,would you?MANVERY-TALL,WHEELCHAIR,HAIRYELLOW!,EYESBLUE!” Reneelaughedwhenhesignedthecolors,quickflicksofhiswristandhiseyes buggingout.“That’sthe‘very’youweretalkingaboutbefore,isn’tit?” Kainodded,smiling.“There’sasignforblond,but‘hairyellow’works.” “OK,onemorequestion,”Reneesaid,shiftinginherseat.“Inoticedyoudid thisafewtimesduringthereading.”Sheheldherhandupononesideinarelaxedclaw, palmup.“Itlookedlike‘what’or‘huh’?” “Yes.”Hedrummedhisfingersonthetable,thinking.“IfIwantedtoaskyou yourname,I’ddoitlikethis.YOUNAMEWHAT?”Hepointedtohiseyebrows.“My eyebrows,andthewayIleanforward,tellyouI’maskingaquestion.Thinkofitkindof liketheASLequivalentofaquestionmark,ortheinflectionyoudoinspokenEnglish: whatisyourname?”Kaisaid,addingabitextrainflectiontotheendofthesentenceto illustratehispoint.“IfIwereaskingayesornoquestion,you’dknowbecausemybrows wouldbehigher,”Kaisaid,demonstrating,makingReneelaugh.“IfIaskyousomething likethat,youknowallyouneedtosayis‘yes’or‘no.’”Kaidemonstratedthesignsforyes andnointurn.“Thoughit’spolitetosignmorethanthat,toshowyou’reengagedinthe conversation.”Heshrugged.“ASLhasalotofbody-languageandfacial-expression elementsthatindicategrammar.” Renee’seyeswidened.“Soundssocomplicated.” Kaishrugged.“It’sreallynot.It’sprettyintuitive,forthemostpart.Itjust seemsthatwayonceyoustartbreakingitdown.Englishismuch,muchmore complicated.”Hestareddownathissoup,realizingheneededtoeatmoreofitbutnot reallywantingto.“Butthat’sonereasonmosthearingpeopleneverreallylearntosign well.TheykeeptryingtothinkinEnglishinsteadofrememberingASLisitsown languagewithitsownrules,andit’svisual.” Reneestudiedhimawhile,anelbowonthetable,herhandsupportingher head.Finally,sheasked,“DoyouthinkIcouldlearn?Reallylearn?” “LEARN.”Kaidemonstratedthesignforlearn,hislefthandflat,hisright pullingfromittowardhishead.“Yes.Myhearingfriendinhighschoollearnedfromme, thoughhetookclasseslatertoimprovehisfluency.He’sacertifiedinterpreternow,so it’sdefinitelypossible.” “Howdoyousay‘want’?” Kaidemonstrated,hispalmsup,asifgrabbingsomethingandpullingittoward him. “Ireallywanttolearn,”Reneesigned,doingherbesttoputheremphasison the‘want’toshowhowmuchshewantedtolearn. AsmileblossomedonKai’sfaceasadelightfulwarmfeelingfilledhim,seeing her,afteronlyafewminutes,putafullsentencetogether. Yeah,hecoulddefinitelylovethisgirl. “WhatareyoudoingHalloween?”Kaiblurted. Reneetiltedherhead.“Uh,Dianewantsmetogotothispartythevisualart studentsarethrowing,but...”Sheshrugged. Kaiswallowed,reachedforherhands.Hisheartwaspoundinginhischest,but hedecidednottobackdown.“Ivolunteeredtotakesomeofthekidsfromthegroup 16 homewhereIgrewuptrick-or-treatingatthehospital.Wouldyou...”Heswallowed, bithislip.“Wantto...comewithme?” Herfacetransformedintoconfusionandhesitation,pullingherhandsaway;it madehismostlyemptystomachknotandswirl,hispulseathisthroatracingsofastit hadtobevisible.“Yes,”shesaid,signingandspeaking,smilingshylybeforeretakinghis hands.“Ifyoureallywantmethere.” Didhe?Wantherthere?HisfirsttimebacktoCountyHouseinyears,andhe wasgoingtobringReneewithhim?“Yes.”Hesmiled,feltsomeofhisanxietyfading awayagainasherthumbsstrokedthetopsofhisfingers.“Yes.Yes.” Jonwasjustfinishingasandwichandsomecoffeewhenheheardthedooropen,then close,andtheslightcreakofKai’schairasherolledin.Jonlookedup,wonderingifhe’d getthesilenttreatmentfromhisbrother—who’dbeenavoidingorignoringhimthepast coupledays.(Notthatitwasdifficult,sinceJonhadbeenworkingnightsmostofthe week.) Kaipushedtothetable,glidingintohisusualspotacrossfromhisbrother.He signedhello,thendrewhispinkyinakindofsidewaysmirror-imageofa“J”onhis mouth,likehewasdrawingalopsidedfrown.Jon’soldnamesignthatKaihadgivenhim whenhewaslittle,becauseJonrarelysmiledandalwayslookedworried.Itmayhave beennearlytwentyyearssinceKaihadgivenhisbrotherthenickname,butitwasstill prettytruetolife.InDeafculture,youneverusedaperson’snamesigntoaddressthem (yousimplypointedtoindicatewherethepersonwasorwherethey’dbeenifthey’dleft theroom),butKaisometimesdiditteasinglytoemphasizehowseriousJonwasallthe time. Kaismiled,leanedforwardwithhiselbowsonthetable,lookingamusinglylike apuppywaitingforhismastertonoticehimsotheycouldgototheparkandplayfetch. DidthismeanKaiwastalkingtohim?“IguesseverythingatLostApplewent well?” Kaileanedbacksohecouldsign.“Reneewantstolearntosign.Reallylearn.I taughthersomebasics.Shelearnsreallyfast.” KaisignedalmosttoorapidlyforJontocatchit,buthisworkwithMeganover thepastfewweekshadapparentlyhelped,andhewasabletogleanthemeaningdespite Kai’sexcited,harriedsigning. “Thegirlfromtheothernight?”Jondecidedtokeepthingsvagueincasethat wouldclamKaiupagain,andhewasn’t100%surehowtosignit. Kainodded.“I’mstillmadatyouforsendinghertoPT,butI’malsogladyou did,sowe’llcallitawash.Deal?” “Deal.”Jonfinishedhiscoffee,checkedhiswatch.Hestillhadafewminutes beforeheneededtoheadin,andthiswashisfirsttimeinawhilethatKaireallyfeltlike talkingandwasn’tgivinghimmonosyllabicorsingle-signanswers.“Sothisgirl...” “She’samazing.She’sjustso...alive.Happy.”Kaisignedwithenthusiasm, hisexcitementcomingthroughwiththeintensityofhissigns,thegleaminhiseyethat Jonhadneverseenbefore.“Shemakesmefeel...calm.LikeIcandonowrong.She doesn’tpushmeorjudgemeorlookatme...weird.”Kaiseemedtobechoosinghis signscarefully,asifhealmostcouldn’tbelievewhathewassaying.“Iinvitedhertogo withmetoCHforHalloween.” Jonleanedforward,hiseyebrowsraised,hisindexfingerdrawingoutfromhis mouthtowardKai.“Really?!” 17 Kaiduckedhishead,noddedhisfist. “That’sreallygreat,Kai.” “Ialso...maygotoDeafHalloween.It’sattheschool....” “Wait.”Jonleanedforward,asiftoseeKaibetter,hiseyesnarrowed.“You endedyourboycottofLostApple,madeyourselfthecenterofaDeafevent,invited ReneetogotoCountyHousewithyou,andyou’replanningongoingtoDeafHalloween. AfteryearsofstayingawayfromtheCommunity.Whoareyou,andwhathaveyoudone withmylittlebrother?” Kaigrippedtheedgeofthetable,usedittopushandpullhimselfawayand backtowarditoverandover.“Artneededhelp.Dr.MillersaysIneedtoconfrontmy past,andIgotexcitedandinvitedRenee.Andsigningtodaymademerememberhow muchImissit.Makinganappearanceatthepartywon’tkillme.” Jonpushedhimselftohisfeet,carryinghisplateandmugwithhimtothe kitchen.“AndthishasnothingtodowithRenee.”JonlookedoveratKaiasherinsedthe itemsinthesink. Kaishrugged,thehintofasmileplayingathislips.Herotatedback,picking hiscastersupjustafewinchesoffthefloor,carefullybalancinginplaceonhisrear wheels.“YouworkingHalloweennight?” JonnoticedKai’sartfuldodge,butsaidnothing,fishingouthismeteranda cleanlancetfromadrawerandquicklyprickinghisfingerandtestinghisblood.“Yeah.I gettobetheconsultfortheER,too.Yay.”Jonlefthismeteronthetableandgrabbeda vialofinsulinfromthefridge.HeheardtheclackofKai’scastershittingtheground. “Basically,IhavetheschedulefromhelluntilmidNovember,plusI’mon-call Thanksgiving.”Hefilledasyringe,stillwaitingforthemeter. Kaitwisted,Jonheardazip.Somerustling.Thenhisbrotherturnedback around,offeringJonabookhe’dobviouslytakenoutofhisbag.Jonaccepteditjustas hismeterbeeped,soheleftitonthecounterwhilehequicklyinjectedhimself. Aftertossingtheusedmaterialsinthesharpsbinhekeptforthepurposeand returninghisinsulintothefridge,heexaminedthebookclosely,noticingKaiseemedto besilentlywaitingforJon’sreaction.“Wow.TheVelveteenRabbit.”Jonflippedthrough thebook,shakinghishead.“Ididn’tthinkyouremembered.” JustbeforeThanksgiving,1983,Jonhadwokeninthemiddleofthenightto findKaiunconscious,feverish,andbarelybreathing.ItwasthesickestKaihadbeen sincehewasababy.Kaispentnearlyamonthinthehospital,mostofthetimesedated andonaventilator,andeventhoughJonhadonlybeen13,he’dunderstoodhowserious itwas.TheirfatherhadbeenworkingnearlysevendaysaweektopayKai’smedical bills,andtheirmotherhadbeenbarelykeepingherselftogether,hardlymanagingto takecareofthree-year-oldSara. SoitwasJonwhosatwithKai—gratefulKai’snursesallowedhimtobealone withhisbrotherdespitehisage—wheneverhewasn’tinschool,readingaloudtohimfor hours,likeInezwouldtoMartin,notevensureifKaicouldhearhimorknewhewas there,butneedingtodosomething.Tobethere.AndwhenKaigotalittlebetter,he’d askJontoreadhimthe“bunnybook.”Everytime.Jonnearlyhaditmemorizedbythe timeNewYear’scamearound. WasthisKai’swayofsaying,withoutwordsorsigns,Thankyouforalways beingthere? “IkepthopingthefairywouldcomeandmakemeReal,”Kaisaid,notmeeting hisbrother’seyes,tracingascratchinoneofthecabinetswithhisthumbnail.“Because 18 thenIcouldbelikeotherkids.LikeyouandSara.AndMomandDadwouldloveme.” “Kai—” “It’sfine,Jon,”Kaisaid,doinga180andheadingoutofthekitchen.“Ijust thoughtyoumightlikeacopy.” Jonracedaround,caughtKaibeforehecouldescapeintothehallway,standing inthedoorwaytokeepKai’sattentionandblockhisflight.HeignoredtheglareKaigave him,whichcouldhaveleveledasmallcontinent.“Isthatwhyyouhadmereadittoyou overandoverandover?” Kaishrugged.“Aren’tyougoingtobelateforwork?” “Ihavetime.Comeoverhere.Don’tmakemepushyou.” RedhadcreptupKai’sneck,buthefollowedJontothelivingroom,saying nothingwhenJonperchedontheedgeofthesofa,lookingintentlyathim.Kaiwasmad now,butangrywasbetterthanshutdown.Kaihatedtobepushed—physicallyand emotionally—butifJonhadlearnedanythingthepastfewweeks,itwasthatsometimes, that’sexactlywhathisbrotherneeded. “Ourmotherhadproblems,OK?Itmeantshewasn’talwaysthereforus,asa mom,thewayweneeded.AnditwaslikeDadwaspracticallyasingleparentoffour children,Momincluded.Buthelovedyou.Hewassoproudofyou.Always.” KaiblinkedatJon,buthisangerhadfaded.He’dslippedonthatmask,that infuriatingaffectationthatmadeitimpossibletoknowwhathewasthinking. “DadwastheonewhobelievedmewhenIinsistedyouweren’tretarded.He wastheonewhohelpedmefighttogetyouintothepreschoolprogramattheschoolfor thedeafsoyoucouldlearnASL.”Jonpushedhisfingersthroughhishair,wonderingif heshouldcontinue.“Hegaveyouthisgiantlollipopthefirstdayyouwalkedonyour own,athome.Itwassobig,itmadeyouloseyourbalance,andyoufell.Youcried, becauseyouthoughthe’dtakeitawayfromyouforfalling.”Jonsmiledfaintly, rememberingKai,asatoddler,soproudofhimselfoncehe’dfinallymasteredhisfirst pairofbraces,supportinghimselfwithawheeledwalkertohelpwithhisbalance.“But hescoopedyouupandkissedawayyourtears,andhuggedyoutight,andthenyou sharedthecandytogether.” Kai’smaskdropped,lookingabitshellshocked.“I...Idon’trememberthat,” Kaisaid,shiftingtoASL. “Howcouldyou?Youweren’teventhree.” “Younever...talkaboutthem.Aboutme,whenIwaslittle,before...”Kai shookhishead.“Idon’tremember...them.” “SoyouremembermereadingTheVelveteenRabbittoyou,inthehospital, whenyouwerefive,butyoudon’trememberourparents?” AflashofhurtcrossedKai’sfacebeforehequicklysuppressedit.“Iremember you,”Kaisaidinasmallvoice. Jonsighed,staringatKai’shunchedshoulders,hiselatedmoodofearlier havingcompletelyvanished,tryingtoformulatewhattosay—orsign—next.Hispager sounded,breakingthemoment.Jonresistedcheckingit.“Howaboutyoukeepthebook. AndIpromise,we’lltalklater.”Jontookinabreath.“I’lltellyouanotherstoryfrom before.OK?” Kainodded. “Ihavetogo.You’llbeOK?Don’tlietome.” Kaiofferedafaintsmile,noddedagain.“Thanks.” Kai’sbriefsign—hishandflat,drawnoutquicklyfromhislips—wassimple,but 19 Jonknew,likethebook,itmeantmore.Jonstood,squeezedKai’sshoulderashewalked by.Iloveyou,too,Jonthought. 20 October31,2000 KaigrinnedassoonashesawReneeemergefromherapartment.Sheworeareddress withwhitepolkadots,ahugematchingbowandbig,black,roundmouseearsonher head.Shelockedherdoor,thenwrappedherarmsaroundherselfasthecoldhither. Hercostumemanagedtobebothadorableandsexy,butitwasn’texactlymeantforlate OctoberinNorthernIowa.Hehonkedhishornandflashedhislights,andshe brightenedassherushedover,immediatelyjumpingintothecarandpullingthedoor closed. “Icouldhavecomein.” Reneewavedherhand.“Nosenseinyougoingthroughthetrouble.”She smiled.“Where’syourcostume?” Kaiglanceddownathimself:hewaswearinghisusualclothing,along-sleeved teebelowafleecepulloverandjeans.Heshrugged.“Youlookadorableenoughforboth ofus.” Shesighed,blushedasredasherdress.“NowIjustfeelsilly.InNewOrleans, Halloweenisabigdeal.Everyonedressesup.Everyone,andgoestrick-or-treating,even adults.”Sheshivered.“It’salsoalotwarmer.” Kailaughed,turneduptheheat,thenreachedforhertopullherclose.She acceptedthekiss,sweetandpureasalways,takingawaysomeofhisanxiety. Sherestedherforeheadagainsthisforamoment,breatheddeeply,then releaseditwithasighofcontentment.“Shallwe?” Kaipulledoutoftheparkinglotandheadedtowardthehospital;CountyHouse wasn’tfarfromJMH.Astheydrewclosertoit,Kaifelttheanxietyrisinginsidehimlike mercuryinathermometeranddesperatelyhopedthecombinationofhydroxyzineand Renee’scalmingpresencewouldpreventafull-blownpanicattack.He’dgottenclosea fewtimesinthepastmonth,butthusfarhadbeenlucky. “So,”Reneesaidafterawhile,interruptingthesilence,“isthereanythingI shouldknowbeforewegetthere?” Kaisighed.“Likewhat?” Reneeshrugged.“Youtellme.” Kaitookamomenttoconsider.“Iowahastwoplacesparentscandumptheir brokenchildren,”Kaisaid,hisvoiceflat,thoughstillbitter.“CountyHouseinthenorth andanotherinthesouth.CHismostlykidswhodon’tneedconstantnursingcare.” “Wait,dump?Ithoughtyouwereanorphan.Imean—” Kaicouldn’thelpsmilingatRenee.Shesat,curledupintheseat,tuckingsome ofhercurlsbehindherear,makinghischestachejustfromaglance,fromhowbeautiful shewas,fromknowingshewasrightbesidehim.“Orphanisn’tabadword,Re.My parentshavebeendeadmostofmylife.Butyeah.Myparentsweregone,butonlyabout 40%ofthekidsatCHareorphans.AfewweretakenbyCPSforvariousreasons.The restaresurrenders.” “Surrenders?” “Kidswhoseparentsdecidedtheydidn’twantorcouldn’taffordtodealwitha disabledkid.”Kaishrugged,madethefinalturntowardthelongroadleadingupto CountyHouse.“Parentsgiveuptheirhealthykidsallthetimeforallsortsofreasons. Being...”Kaibitbackthe“fuckedup”he’dwantedtosay,andinsteadsaid,“disabledis expensive;somekidsneeddailycare.”Kaiheldhisbreathastheypulledintothe 21 parkinglot—theplacehadn’tchangedinthepastfouryears,stilllookingsolitaryand forlorn,likeanabandonedcabinyoustumbleuponinthewoods.“Myroommatewasa surrender,andforalongtime,IthoughtIwas,too.” KaifeltRenee’shandonhisthigh,anditinstantlycalmedtheswirlofnauseous nervesinhisstomach.Hemaneuveredintoaparkingspotnearthefrontentrance. “Homesweethome.” Reneestaredoutattheforsaken-lookingbuilding,adark-brick,characterless boxthatboreanuncannyresemblancetoalargepostoffice.Whatpassedfor landscapingsurroundingthestructurewasovergrown,riddledwithdyingweedsfrom thecold,andobviouslyhadn’tbeentendedproperlyindecades.JustthewayKai rememberedit. Reneewaitedinthewarmthofthecar,notsayinganythingimmediately,until Kaihadassembledhischairandtransferredout.“NotoneofJonesville’sfiner architecturalexamples.” Kaichuckledashelockedthecarandbumpedupthecurb. “Itlookslikeitwasbuiltinthe1950s.” “Yup.Withthepolioepidemicsofthe1940s,suddenlyalotofpoorfarmershad kidsthatcouldn’tworkandtheycouldn’tsupport,soCountyHousewasbuilttohouse theoneswhocouldbreatheontheirown.Withthevaccine,thenumberofpoliocases dropped,buttherewerestillplentyofkidswithotherproblems,sotheyweresenthere.” “Youknow,forsomeonewhoclaimshe’sfailinghistory...” “Iknowmytown.Art’sabitofahistorybuff,whenitcomestoJonesvilleand Iowahistory,andhe’dtellmeaboutit,orbringmebooks.Besides,Ilearnedallthat before...”Kaiclearedhisthroat,rememberinghestillhadtotellReneeabouthis transplant.“Mymemoryproblems.Weshouldheadinside.You’refreezing.” Kaiheldtheouterdooropenforher,wavingherin. “CalhounCountyHousefor—”Reneestartedtoreadaloudfromthesignnear theinteriordoor:CalhounCountyHouseforCrippled,Diseased,andFeeble-Minded Children.Ringforadmittance. “JustCountyHouse.Please.”Kaipressedthebuzzer. Reneelookedathimquizzically,butsaidnothing. “Afewyearsago,therewasapetitiontorenameallthepublicinstitutions.Go PC.Butthestatedecidedthatitwouldcostfartoomuchtochangesignage,paperwork, etc.,so,yeah.JustCountyHouse.” Reneeopenedhermouthtocomment,butshewasinterruptedbyaharsh voice,bleedingthroughstatic,“DeliveriesareMondaythroughFriday,eighttofive,rear entrance.VisitinghoursareSaturdays,tentothree,andofficehours,weekdays,tento five.Thankyou.” Kaisighedloudly.“It’sKaiFox.Trick-or-treat?” Therewasapainfulscratchofstatic,thenabuzz,andthedoorpoppedopen. BeforeReneecouldhelp,Kaipushedittherestoftheway,wheelingthroughand holdingitforher.Shesmiledathim,buthereyesweresearching,clearlytakinginthe place. ItamazedKaihowitstillsmelledthesame:stale,depressing,withjustahintof disinfectant,thoughitlookedlikethestaffhadmadegenuineattemptstospruceupthe lobby.Don’tfeelbad,parents!Leaveyourdisabledkidinthestate’scare.He’llloveit here!Seehowhappyeveryoneis?Kaithoughtbitterlyastheyapproachedthefront desk,wherealarge,stagedMDA-telethon-worthyposterhadbeenhungonthewall,a 22 groupofkidsarangeofracesandapparentdisabilitiesgrinningforthecamera,withthe words,CalhounCountyCaresAboutKids!printedinadisgustinglycheerfulfontatthe bottom. “OhmyGod,it’sreallyyou,”avoicecalledout,drawingbothReneeandKai’s eyestowardthebackoffice,justoffthefrontdesk. Apudgywomanwithatuftofwhitehairwholookedlikesheshouldhave retiredtenyearsagoemerged.CathyEvans,“TheWarden,”asKaiandDavidcalledher, thewomanwhohadessentiallybeencursedwithrunningCountyHouseforthepast fortyyears.Shewaspartofthesystem,theultimateauthorityfigureallthekidshadto bowto,andshe’dneverlearnedmorethanahandfulofsigns,butstill,shecaredinher ownway,andshe’dalwaysdonethebestshecouldwiththelimitedfundsallottedtoher. SheputherhandsonKai’sshoulders,appraisinghim.“Lookatyou.Allgrown up.Ihardlyrecognizeyou.You’reamannow.” Kaidippedhishead,surprisinglyembarrassed.Heclearedhisthroat.“Ms. Evans,thisismyfriend,Renee.She’sgoingtohelpmewiththekids.Aretheyready?” Cathyfrowned.“I’msorry,Kai.ButyouknowIcan’tletanyofthechildrenoff thepremiseswithoutamemberofthestaff,andwithcutbacks...Ican’taffordtospare anyone.” “Dammit.Can’tyoumakeanexception?It’snotlikeyou’rehandingthemoffto somestranger.AndI’mtakingthemtoJonesvilleMemorial.Ifanythingweretohappen, we’reinafreakinghospital.” Cathycrossedherarmsonherchest,shookherhead.“YouandDavid.Always thoughttherulesshouldn’tapplytoyouifitwasn’tconvenient.” Kai’sangerflared,temperedonlybythehydroxyzine,andhefoundhecouldn’t thinkoftheEnglishwordsfastenough,hishandsmovinginharsh,rapidsigns.“It’snot aboutconvenience,Warden.”Kai’shandsslappedtogetherloudlywhenhesigned “CONVENIENT,”hisfaceturningintoascowl.“It’saboutusgivingthesekidsa smidgenofarealfuckingchildhood.”Kai’ssignswerejerking,intense,hischest heaving. Cathyblinked,clearlynotfullyunderstandinghim,butsherecognizedher “namesign”(ifyoucouldevenreallycallitthat),andthecurse.Kaialsoknewshewas familiarwithKIDS,REAL,andGROW-UP.Enoughshegotthegist. KaifeltRenee’shandonhisshoulder,andheforcedhimselftotakeafewslow, deepbreaths.Afteramoment,hewasabletofindtheEnglishtosay,“We’llbeback withinthehour.Letthekidswhocangatherinthecommonroom.” “Whatdidyousaytoher?”Reneeaskedassoonasthey’dclimbedbackintoKai’scar. “It’snotaboutrules;it’saboutwhat’sbestforthekids.Givethematasteof whatnormalchildrenhave.That’swhywe’regoingtoWalmart,we’rebuyingcandyand stuffwecanusetoplaysomepartygames,andwe’regoingtoimproviseHalloween.” Reneestaredathim.“Somehow,Isuspectwhatyouactuallysaidwasalot angrierthanthat.” Kaicrackedahintofasmileastheypulledoutofthelot. Reneewasquietamoment,watchingthesceneryflypastherwindow.“Idon’t thinkI’veeverseenyouthatvisiblymad.” Kaisighed.“Ishouldn’thaveblownupather,andIshouldn’thavedraggedyou intothis.I’msorry.” “Don’tbe.I’mgladyouwantedtoincludemeinapartofyourpast.”She 23 grinned.“Andit’sgoodtoseeyouaren’tthisinhumanandroidcapableofsuppressing youremotionsallthetime.” Kaiglancedsidewaysather,felthimselfrelaxingmore.Ifitweren’tforthefact thathedidn’twanttodisappointthekids,he’dbetemptedtojustblowitalloff,takeher backtoherplace,andkissheruntiltheybothweredizzy.“IfI’mcompletelyhonest,I washopingtoconvinceMs.Evanstoletmetakethekidsevenifshecouldn’tspare anyone,andIcan’tdrivethevan.”Kaitappedafingeronthehandcontrolstoconveyhis meaning—thevandidn’thavethem.Aneasy,playfulsmileslippedontohisface. ReneeshookherheadandboppedKaiontheshoulder. “Hey!I’mdrivinghere!”Kaisaid,laughinggoodnaturedly,hisbadmood completelygone.Theireyesmetforamoment,andKaihadtosighsoftlytohimselfat howunrealthisallfelt. Theylaughedtogether,andwhenitfinallyfaded,sheasked,“Didyoumean whatyousaid?Aboutgivingthesekidsasclosetoa‘normal’Halloweenasyoucan?” Kaitookinabreath,drummedhishandonthesteeringwheel.“Ionlygottogo trick-or-treatingonce.Theyearbeforemyparentsdied,mybrothertookme.Iwasthe IncredibleHulk,”Kaisaidwithasadlaugh.Kaiwasfive,superexcited,becauseitwas thefirsttimehe’dbeenwellenoughandwalkingeasilyenoughthathisfatherhad allowedit.Ofcourse,hepaidforitlaterthatyearwiththebadcaseofpneumonia.“At CountyHouse,theonlyacknowledgementweevergotforholidaysweretasteless,sugarfreecookies,andsometimes,ifwehadanenterprisingvolunteer,afewdecorations.” “Kai...” Kaishrugged.“Igotusedtoit,fast.ButifIcandoalittlesomethingforthe kids...” Hecaughtthehintofhersmileinhisperipheralvision,buthewascirclingthe Walmartparkinglot,searchingforaspot,notreallyabletofocusonher.“Fuckingold people,”hemuttered.“Shouldn’ttheybeinbingooratchurchorsomethingthistimeof night?” “Ifyouwanttodropmeoff,Icanjustrunin...” Kaismiledfaintly.“It’sfine.Ifaspotdoesn’topenupinthenextcouple minutes,I’llparkdowntowardtheendoftherow,ontheline.That’llgivemespace enoughtotransfer.Onegoodthingaboutthechair;Idon’tneedtoparkclose.” “Thisissoweird,”Reneesaid,leaningonthecarthandle,observingidlyasKaisorted throughtheremnantsofthecandy. “Shoppingwithsomeoneinawheelchair?”Kaiaskedabsently,tossingabag intothebasket. “Shoppingwithyou.Afewdaysago,youwereavoidingme,yethereweare.” Kaipushedfartherdowntheaisle,coasting,scanningthedecimatedshelves; shesuspecteditwashiswayofavoidingeyecontact.“Hereweare.” Reneeabandonedthecartfornow,approachinghimfrombehind;heseemed toofocusedondiggingthroughapileofrandomstuff—honestly,theHalloweenaisle lookedliketheremnantsofacampsiteafterbeingtornapartbyhungrybears—andshe gotthisstrangesenseofdeja-vu.Theothernight,whenshe’dgonehomewithhimafter surprisinghiminPT,andhe’dtriedtohidebyputtingawaytheirleftovers. Hesitantly,shelaidahandonhisshoulder,justbarelytouchinghim.Shefelt himtenseinstinctively,thenforcehimselftorelax.“Doyouevenstillwantmehere? Nowthatyoudon’t...”Sheswallowed.“...needmeanymore?”Shehesitateda 24 moment,thenadded,“Todrive?” Kaisighed,grippedtheedgeoftheshelvingtohelphimselfturnaround.He lookedupather,notspeakingforalongtime.“Partofmewantstosayyes.Itwasone thingtohaveyouhelpmetakethekidsaroundthehospital,anotherforyouto...really seewhatwasbasicallymychildhood.” Reneedroppedherhead,nodded.“Icanhelpyoufinishuphere,orIcanjust go.Callafriendorcatchabusorsomething.” Kaireachedout,grabbedherwrist,buthelditlooselybetweenhisthumband indexfinger,asifhewereafraidtobreakit.Itsentareflexiveshiverthroughherbody shehopedhecouldn’tsense.“True,Idon’tneedyou,”hesaid,staringatherwrist, strokingtheundersidesoftlywithhisroughthumb.Itmadetheshivermoreintense, andshehadtofightnottopullaway.Nomanhadevermadeherfeellikethis,asimple, innocenttouchsendingthenerveendingsinherbodyfiringinamadfrenzy.“ButIwant you,”hefinallyfinished,lookingupather,hiseyeswideandsincere. Withoutthinking,Reneebracedonehandonhisshoulder,leanedforward,and kissedhim.Shefelthimimmediatelymeltintoher,ahandreachingbacktogripthe shelvingtokeepthemsteady.Awarmthfilledherwhenshefelthissmile,but evaporatedwhenhepushedherawayonlyamomentlater.Hereyebrowsdippedinhurt andconfusion,butKai’sgrinwasstillthere,beautifulandgenuine,hiseyessoftand uncharacteristicallyunguarded. Hesighedsoftly.“Wehavetohurryupandgetback.Light’soutisnine,and theyputsomeofthekidstobedearlierthanthat.IdoubtMs.Evanscouldconvinceany ofthestafftopushbedtimeroutinesupeventhirtyminutes,evenforHalloween.”Kai droppedhishandstohisrimsandexpertlyswiveledoutfrombetweenReneeandthe shelf.“Bakery,thencheckout.Comeon.” Reneewatchedhimashepushedtowardthegroceryportionofthestore, occasionallyspinningaroundandsmilingatherbeforeturningbackandcontinuingto leadtheway.Shebecamedistracted,watchingthemusclesinhisneck,shoulders,arms, ashemoved,wantingdesperatelytowrapherarmsaroundhim,kissalinedownhisear, jaw,neck,shoulder.... "...pieforthekidswhocan’tdocookies?"ReneerealizedKaihadbeen speakingtoher. "What?" Hespunaround,lookedupatherquizzically,wheeledbackwardsashe repeatedhimself,"Ithought,getthemsomerealcookiesandmaybepieforthekidswho needsomethingeasiertoeat." "Uh,sure,"Reneesaid,followinghimtothebakery,notreallyunderstanding. ButthiswasKai’sshowanyway;shewasjustsupportingcast. KaipausedatadisplayoftheremnantsofHalloweentreats."Orcupcakes.... Oh,man.Weneverhadcupcakes."Kaibeganfillingthecartwithavarietyofbaked goods,hiseyeslightingupasifhewerealittlekidgettingtheseraretreats. WatchinghimmadeRenee’sstomachache.Isthiswheresomeofthat penetratingsadnessshesawfartooofteninhiseyescamefrom?"Youreallygrewupin thatplace?" Kaisighed,wheelingtoanothertable."Yes.Itwas’home’fortwelveyears." Reneedidsomequickmath.SheknewKaiwas22;thatmeanthe’dspentmore thanhalfhislifethere.Nowonderhehadissues."Wasitreallybad?" "CountyHouse?"Kaifinallyspunaroundtofaceherinonesmoothmovement. 25 Truthfully,shemissedhisheight,butshehadtoadmitshelovedthewayhemovedin hiswheelchair,herstomachdoingfunnyknottingthingswatchinghimglideoverthe floor. "Yeah."Shebarelygotthewordout;shewantedtoclimbinhislap,pulloffhis shirt,andkisseverypatchofhisskin.Thethoughtmadeherblush,andshehopedhe didn’tnotice. "Everything’srelative,"Kaisaidcryptically,offeringheraforcedsmile."That shoulddoit;weshouldheadbackbeforeitgetstoolate." Acouplehourslater,thefestivitieswerewindingdown.Reneestood,leaningagainstthe farwallofthecommonroom,besideCathy,watchingKaiplayingakindofblindman’s bluffwiththeyoungerkids. “He’ssogoodwithchildren,”Reneemused.“Youshouldhaveseenhimthe otherday,readingtothekidsinsignlanguage.” “Hmm.Heandhisroommatealwayskepttothemselves.AlthoughKai integratedmorewiththeotherchildrenthanDavid.Itwasareliefforthestaffwhen Davidturned18,butitwashardonKai.It’sgoodtoseehimhappy.” Kai’sfeetnudgedthewheelofoneoftheotherkid’schairs,andthegirlburst outlaughing.“Hmm.IthinkIfoundsomething,butit’sawfullygiggly.”Hereachedhis handsoutuntilhefoundthechild,ticklingher,causinghertosqueal.Finally,heopened hiseyes.“Madison?” Shenoddedenthusiastically,apparentlydelightedKairememberedhername. Shelookedlikeshewasaboutsix,andfromthewayherlimbsseemedbentatodd angles,Reneesuspectedcerebralpalsy.There’dbeenagirlatRenee’sschoolwho’dhad it,alongwithapersonalaidehiredbyherfamilytohelpherthroughclasses.She’dbeen smart,butseverelydisabled,andthoughReneehadn’tactivelyavoidedher,shehadn’t beensurehowtoapproachherordealwithher,especiallysincethegirlhadasevere speechimpediment. Madisonapparentlydidtoo,hersmilefadingasshestruggledtosay something.ReneewatchedasKaileanedcloser,allhisfocusonthegirl.Henodded, whisperedsomethingReneecouldn’thear,thenleanedback.Shesawhimsmile,gesture tohisnecklikehewasturningakey,thenwinkatMadison. Therestoftheirconversationwasmimed—Reneewasn’tsureifKaiwasusing signlanguageorsimplegestures,butevenshecouldunderstandthepointhewas making.HewaslettingMadisonbe“It,”toherobviousdelight. Madisonstruggledtomaneuverherwheelchair,partiallybecauseitwasso largeforher,butalsopartiallybecauseherCPevidentlylimitedherrangeofmovement. Kaipositionedhimselfbehindher,surreptitiouslypushinghertohelpheralongwhen shewouldgetparticularlyfrustrated. Thegamewentonlikethatforawhile,onechildswitchingwithanother,Kai helpingwherehecouldorwasneeded,untilafewstaffmembersstartedroundingthem upforbedtoachorusofwhinesandboos. KaipushedtowardReneeandCathyoncemostofthechildrenhadbeen herdedout.“Madisonshouldbeinapowerchair.Oratleastamanualchairthatfits her.” “She’llgrow,”Cathysaidinaquiet,yetauthoritativevoice. “It’stooheavyandtoobig.Shecanbarelymoveinit.She’sachild,nota doorstop.”Kai’seyesburnedintoCathy’s,andasshehadtheotherdayinPT,withTroy, 26 Reneesuspectedtherewasmoretothisargumentthanwhatsheheardonthesurface. Wouldsheseemoreofhisearlierangercomeout? “Ifyou’dliketoprovidetheseveraladditionalthousanddollarsperchildper yearthatIneedinmybudgettoprovidesuchthings,perhapsyoucandonateitandwe canbothhopethestatewon’ttakeitallforanothermore‘important’project.”Cathy smiledandblinkedatKai,unfazedbyhisanger. Kaisighed,thetensioninhisshouldersrelaxed,andheleanedback.“I’msorry. Iknowyoudoyourbestwithwhatyouhave.Ijust—” Cathynodded.“Iseeyougotyourselfagoodchairnow,though.” Reneelookedbetweenthem,curiouswhatCathymeant.Kaihadexplainedhow hismobilitychangedconstantly.HadKairelatedtoMadison’sstrugglewithabulky, heavychairthatdidn’tfithimproperly?Yetanotherthingforthe"AskKaiLater"list. Kailookeddownreflexively.“Giftfrommybrother.”Hespunaroundinatight circle,asiftodemonstrateitsnimbleness,andRenee’sstomachflutteredabitwatching him. Cathysmiledacomplex,tiredsmilethatReneecouldn’tquiteinterpret.“Itwas goodofyoutodropby.Thekidsreallyhadfuntonight.”Thenshelaughedquietly.“I’ll admitIneverthoughtI’dseeyoueveragain.” Kaiwavedhishandbetweenthem,centralfingersfolded,thumbandpinky extended,pointingbetweenhimselfandCathy.ReneerecognizeditasthesignSAME; essentially,inthiscontext,itwastheASLequivalentof“ditto.” “Thekidswouldloveitifyoucamebyanotherday.” KaiglancedoveratReneeforthefirsttime;she’dalmostbeguntothinkhe’d forgottenher,orshe’dsomehowmasteredtheartofcamouflageandblendedinwiththe wall.Hetookherhand,squeezedherfingers,smiledupather.“Imightdothat.” “Thatwasreallysweetofyou,”ReneesaidasshehelpedKailoadtheremnantsofthe partyinthebackofhiscar;Cathywouldn’tletthemleaveanything,muchtoKai’s chagrin. Kaishrugged.“Justlivingvicariously.”Kairaisedhisbrowsupanddown, Marx-brothersstyle,andstoleacupcakeoutofoneofthecontainers,eatingitintwo bites. Reneelaughed,shakingherhead,leaningforwardtowipeoffsomefrosting fromthesideofhismouth.Thenshegaveinandlickedthespot,kissinghim.Hetasted likesugar—he’dhadasmuchcandyandsweetsasanyofthekids,andshewondered howhewasn’tbouncingoffthewalls.Thekisswasshort,butwonderful,endingwhen KaievidentlyfeltRenee’sshiver. “Comeon,let’sgetyouwarm.”Hehandedherhiskeys. Reneehurriedaroundtothepassenger’sseat,climbinginandstartingthe engine,feelingtheshiftofthecarasKaiclosedthetrunk.Shewasslowlybeginningto defrostwhensheheardaknockonhiswindow.Lookingover,shesawhimpointtothe lock,hiseyebrowsraised,makinghimlooklikeasadpuppy. Laughingatthemboth,sinceshe’dneglectedtounlockhisdoorwhenshe’d gottenin,sheleanedoveranddidso,givingheraninadvertentpeekathowhishand controlsworked.Shecouldseetheleverleadingdownwithbarsthatconnectedtoeach pedal.Healsohadwhatlookedlikearemovablefootguardblockingoffthepedals.She madeamentalnotetoaskhimaboutitatsomepoint,butfigureditmustbeawayto makesurehislegspasmswouldn’tcauseanaccident. 27 ReneewatchedasKaihurriedtopullhimselfin,disassemblinghischair quicklytominimizehowlongthedoorwasopentothecold.Hedidn’tseembotheredby it,eventhoughhewasonlywearingalightfleecepullover,butsheknewKaiwasbothan actor(whoonlyrevealedwhathewanted)aswellasanative.Afterall,itwasn’teven November;thingswouldgetmuch,muchcolderthanthis.Reneecouldn’thelp,though, ifherbodystillrememberedNewOrleanswinterswhere40wasconsideredabysmally frigid. “Youwarmenough?”Kaiaskedhertenderlyassoonashischairwassecurein thebackseatandthedoorwasshut. Reneenodded,butsheshivered. Kailaughed,heldupafinger,andpulledhisfleeceoffoverhishead.It temporarilymadetheT-shirtheworeunderneathrideup,exposingpartofhisstomach andchest,whereReneesawthehintofseveralscars.Butbeforeshecouldgetagood look,themomentwasover,andhewashandingherhissweatshirt. Shesmiled,threadedherhandsthroughthearmsandhuggeditclosewithout pullingitoverherhead.Itsmelledfaintlyofhim,andstillretainedthewarmthofhis body.Renee’seyelidsfellhalfwayinpleasureforamomentbeforeKai’sgentlelaugh broughtherback. “Keepitifyouwant.” “ImeantwhatIsaidbefore,”ReneesaidasKaidroveoutoftheparkinglot.“It wassweetofyoutodothis,andespeciallythewayyouhandledMadison,turningoff yourvoicesoshedidn’tfeelbad.” Kaishruggedasingleshoulder.“I’mnotsureifIwasclearaboutthisbefore, butIwasmutewhenIwasakid.Icouldn’tspeak.”Hiseyesdartedsideways,perhaps expectingReneetohavesomehugenegativereactiontothis,beforereturningbackto theroad.“That’swhyIknowASL.Ididn’tlearntotalktillIwasfourteen.” “Wow.Youspeaksowell.Ineverwouldhaveguessed.”Perhapsthatexplained hisangrysignedoutburstearlier;hehadn’tswitchedtoASLsoReneewouldn’t understandhim,asshe’doriginallyassumed.Instead,shewonderedifitwasbecause, whenhewasfuriousortired,hisbraindefaultedtohisfirstlanguage.Reneehad relativeslikethat,rememberingmanyafamilygatheringwithheatedargumentsin barelyintelligibleCajunFrench.Italsoexplainedwhyherememberedbetterwhenshe helpedhimvisualizethematerial.Withtheirmidtermcomingup,she’dhavetokeep thatinmind. “Lotsofspeechtherapyandbeingthrownintoahighschoolwheremostofthe teachersforcedmetotalk,”heresponded.Herolledhisshoulders,asifheweresoreor stiff.“Anyway,Iunderstandwhatthat’slike,strugglingtocommunicate.”Hesmiled,but itwasoneofhiscomplexgrinsthatmeantmuchmorethanitseemed.“Ihavealotof experienceingettingpeopletounderstandme,whennecessary,withoutspeaking.” Reneesnakedherhandontohisthigh,relievedwhenhesmiled,notshirking fromhertouch.“Isthatwhyyou’resuchagoodkisser?” Heletoutashort,rich,genuinelaugh.“I’mreallyskilledatotherformsof nonverbalcommunication,”hesaidslyly.“AndIthinkyoualreadyknowI’mgoodwith myhands.” KaipulledupinfrontofRenee’sapartment,parked.“Thanksforyourhelptonight.” Reneeshrugged.“Itwasdefinitelyadifferentwaytospendtheholiday.” “Wedohavethebestdates,don’twe?PT,orphanagefordisabledkids.Next 28 timeIshouldtakeyoutoanursinghome.Completetheawkwarddatingtriumvirate.” Reneelaughed,shookherhead.ShetookKai’srighthand,smoothingher thumbonhispalm.“Ilikeyoubecauseyouaren’tlikeotherguys.” “Yeah,thewheelchairsortofsetsmeapart,”hesaid,buthewassmilingather. Reneeleanedover,laidahandonhischest.Kai’sheartspedup;hehadn’ttold herabouthistransplant,hisFS,yet,otherthanhisvagueadmissionabouthisallergies, thoughheknewhecouldn’tletitgolikehehadwithhisMLS.Ifhelostherbecauseofit, itwouldbebettertodoitsooner,beforehegottooinvolved.“Youhaveagoodheart,” shesaidwithasweetsmile.“Artwasrightaboutthat.” Kaiechoedherexpression,holdingherhandinplace.“Weshouldhavea properfirstdate....ThoughI’mafraidI’mnotrealexperiencedwithconventional dating.”Hefeltthebeginningsofablushbutforcedhimselfnottohidefromher. Sheclimbedontoherkneessoshecouldleanoverbetter,stoleaquickbut intensekissthatlefthimdizzyandhalfhardinseconds.“Ijustwanttobewithyou.I don’tcarewhatwedo.Surpriseme.” “OK.Sunday?”Kaitookinadeepbreath.“Andwe’restillonforstudying tomorrowafterclass,andThursdayafternoon,solongasthebookstore’snotbusy, right?” “Yes,”Reneesaid,“butyou’lldofine.” Kailookedaway,pickedatthesteeringwheelwithhisthumb.“Saysthegirl withtheA+.IfIbombthemidterm,there’snowayI’llbeabletopasshistory.I’llhaveto waituntilnextfall,andIwon’tbeabletotakeWorldHistoryIInextsemester...” Reneesankdownontohercalves,stillfacinghim.“OK.Minipopquiz.What yearwastheMagnaCartasigned?” “Uh...1000something?No.1100?” Reneeshookherhead.“1215.” Kailethisheadfalltohishandsonthewheel.“See:Icanneverrememberthe dates.” “Kai.Lookatme.” Reluctantly,hedid. “Signthatdateforme.” Kai’seyebrowsfurrowed,butheobeyed,signing,“TWELVEFIFTEEN.” “Good.”Reneemimickedhim.“WhatwastheMagnaCarta?” “Re—” “Comeon.Ifyougetitright,I’llkissyou.Isthatincentiveenough?” Kairolledhiseyes,buthewassmiling.“Uh,liketheBillofRightsforEngland, right?” Renee’seyebrowswentup,smilingencouragingly.“MORE.TheMagnaCarta inspiredthefoundingfathers,definitely.” Kaisqueezedhiseyesclosed,tryingtothink.Kaisignedslowlytospeakthe English,too,forRenee’ssake,“Itlimitedtheking’spower?” “GOOD.Andwhowastheking?” Kai’sbrowsfurrowed.Hecouldfeelthetopicbeginningtoescapehim.He lookedatRenee,waitingsopatientlyforhimtoanswer,wonderingifheshouldadmithe couldn’trememberwhattheyweretalkingabout.Heknewshewasquizzinghimfor history,andtheyear1215wasclearlyvisible,insign,inhismind,butbeyondthat.... “It’sOK,”shesaid,smoothinghisarm,obviouslysensinghisanxietyand confusion.“ThinkRobinHood.”Shegrinnedasshebegantosing,“Toolatetobeknown 29 asJohntheFirst;he’ssuretobeknownasJohntheWorst.Apoxonthephonykingof England!” Kailaughed,butthatdidn’thelpstirhismemory. “KING?”Reneesigned,mimickinghimfromearlier,a“K”drawndownfrom herleftshoulder,acrosshertorsotoherrightwaist,hereyebrowsquestioning.Whenhe noddedthatshewasright,shecontinued,fingerspelling“John,”thendoingthesignfor writetoindicate“signed,”thenfingerspelled“MagnaCarta”slowly.“WHEN?” Withoutthinking,Kaiimmediatelyresponded,“1215.”Thenwhathad happenedhithimandhisheadjerkedup,asmileslippingontohisface. “Guessyouearnedthatkiss,huh?” Kaipulledherclose,kissingherdeeply,intensely,pouringhisgratitudeand amazementathavingsomeonelikeRenee,whowassmartandbeautifulandpatient. Whowaslearningtosignandwillingtodowhatevershecouldtohelphim,fuckedup brainandeverything.Hisheartwasinhisthroat,alight,featheryfeelingthatalmostfelt likeabloodpressurecrash,butwhichherealizedwashappiness:pure,undiluted,and amazing. “Yousureyoucan’tcomeinside?” Kaisighed,shookhishead.“ButI’llseeyoutomorrow.” Reneeletoutanadorablewhineofcomplaint,stealinganotherkissbefore sittingback.ShetuggedatKai’sfleece,whichshe’dslippedontherestofthewayearlier inthedrive.“I’llkeepthisascollateral.” Kailetoutaloud,freeinglaughthatfeltenormouslygood.Partofhimwanted toinvitehertotheparty,anexcusetospendafewmorehourswithher,butshe’dbe totallyoutofplacewithoutknowingmuchASL,andifKaididrunintoDavidagain,he wantedtheirconversationtobeprivate.“Night,Re,”hesaidinavoicehealmostdidn’t recognizeashisown,quiet,longing. “Night,”shesaidasshelookedbackathimbeforeclimbingout,thelightfrom thebuilding’slampscastingahalooverherdarkcurls,pullingoutherauburnhighlights andperfectlyframingherface. “Night,”hesaidonelasttime,evenafterthedoorhadshut,hiseyesfollowing herassheunlockedherapartmentandslippedinwithafinalwaveandasmile. Kaileanedbackintheseat,lettingoutalongbreath.Fuck.Onlyafewdays sinceReneewalkedinonhiminPT,andalreadyhewasfallingforher.Dizzying,headover-heels,merry-go-roundlove. VickyandJonstoodinhisoffice,kissinghungrily.Theyclungtoeachother,desperate totakethekissfarther,butJononlyhadtenmoreminutesbeforeheneededtogetback towork.VickyguidedJontowardthecouchinhisoffice,pushinghimback.Heresisted atfirst,butfinallyfelldownintoit.Shequicklyfollowed,reachingtoundohisbelt. “Vic,”hegaspedasshestrokedhimthroughhispants.“Wecan’t.” “Wecan’t,butIcan,”shesaid,freeinghisaching,leakingcockandstrokingita fewtimesgentlybeforetakinghiminhermouth. Jongruntedatthewarmwetnessofhertongueasitcaressedhim,lettinghis eyesfallshut,unabletospeakanymorecomplaints.Hehadn’texperiencedmanyblow jobsbeforeVicky—Jenny,forexample,hadconsideredfellatiounsanitary—butVicwas notonlyfondofgivingthem,shewasgoodatit. “IlikethesoundsyoumakewhenIhaveyouinmymouth,”she’dtoldhim.“So uncharacteristic.Itdrivesmecrazy.” 30 Jonstartedmakingsomeofthosenoisesasshelickedandsuckedthehead, longstrokesthenlittleflicksofhertongue,makinghimwhimperandthrustintoher, desperateformoresensation.Sherewardedhim,takinghimdeeper,lettinghimhitthe roofofhermouth.Hefeltthetightnessinhisbellyandknewhewasclose,pressing againsthershoulder. “Vic,Vic,I’mgoingtocome.” Shesuckedharduphislength,releasingjustasheletoutashout,shootinginto herhand,whichshecuppedoverhistiptotrytocatchthemess.Hisstomachspasmeda fewmoretimes,andthenhewasstill,therushofpost-orgasmicrelaxationsweeping overhim. “You’reterrible,”hesighed. “Terrible?”sheasked,teasingly,gettinguptoplantalazykissonthesideofhis mouth.“Orterriblyawesome?” Sheusedsometissuestocleanherhandandhim,andhetuckedhimselfback in,hopinghecouldenjoyafewminuteswithherbeforehehadtogetback. “You’llbeveryrelaxedfortherestofthenightnow,Ihope.” Jonlaughedsoftly.“I’mgoingtohavealottomakeupforwhenmycrazy scheduleisfinallyover,aren’tI?” “Mmmhmm.HaveyougivenanymorethoughttoThanksgivingatmy family’s?” Jonsighed.“Idon’twanttoleaveKaialone.It’snotfairtohim.Lastyearhe wasstillsoclosetohistransplant,wecouldn’treallycelebratetoomuch.Iknowhe’s alwayswantedtodothewholetraditionaldinnerthing.” NowitwasVicky’sturntosigh.“I’dinvitehim,too,butI’llassumehe’d decline.” Jonshrugged.“You’llhavetoaskhimyourself,butKaidoesn’tlikelarge groupsofstrangersmuch.Anddon’tyouhavelikeseventeenbrothersandsisters?” VickysqueezedJonplayfully.“Haha.Seven.Butyeah,Ihaveahugefamily.If youdecidetocome,I’llneedtomakeyouayearbook-styleguidejustsoyoucankeep track.” “Notbeingveryconvincingrightnow.DidImentionKai’snottheonlyonewho doesn’tlikecrowds?” Vickyopenedhermouthtoretort,butwasinterruptedbyJon’spager. Heshiftedsohecouldtakeitoffhisbeltandcheckit.Jongroanedwhenhe sawthenumber.“TheER.Probablyanotherkidwhoaspiratedacandycornoroneof thosestupidplasticspiders.I’vegottago.” Vickysighed,kissedhimquicklyonthelips.“GuessI’llheadhome,then.I’m exhausted.” “Drivesafe,”Jonsaid,standingandofferinghishandtohelppullherup.“Call orpagemewhenyougethome,soIknowyougotthereOK.Imightnotbeableto answer,butI’lltalktoyoutomorrow.I’llprobablystillbeherewhenyougetininthe morning.” “Takecareofyourself,OK?”Vickysaid,kissingJononelasttimebefore acceptingahug.Jonlovedhowrightherbodyfeltagainsthis,andthoughhe’dteased her,he’dbravehundredsofhostilerelativesifthat’swhatittooktobewithher. ThepartywasapparentlyinfullswingbythetimeKaiarrived,andheendeduphaving toparkinthefarbackcornerofthesecondarylot,hopinghewouldn’tgetboxedin.He 31 grabbedtheearplugshe’dpurchasedatWalmartearlier—withalltheotherjunk,Renee hadn’tevennoticed,andstuffedthemineachear,hopingthey’dsufficetoinsulatehim fromtheepicallyloudmusicheknewwouldgreethimoncehemadeitinsidethe school’sgym. Thenhepoppedopenhisglovecompartmentandpulledoutapairofleather gloves;ifhewasgoingtowheelallthewayinthecoldandmanagetohavehisfingers limberenoughforsigningoncehegottotheparty,heneededtobeprepared.Heslipped themon,suckedinabreath,andpushedthedooropen,anicywindhittinghiminthe face.Thetemperaturehaddroppedsignificantlysincehe’dbeenoutearlierwithRenee, acoldfrontthatthreatenedtobringwithitthefirstlegitimateicestormoftheseason. Kaitwisted,pulledoutthepiecesofhischaironebyoneandquicklyattached thewheelstotheframe.Hecouldalreadyfeelthecoldseepingthroughhisjeans,andhe hadn’teventransferredyet.Itwasn’ttoolatetochangehismindandgohome,butthe prospectofbeingamonganentirepartyfullofnativesigners,andmaybe,asterrifying astheideawas,runningintoDavidagain,forcedhimtopullhimselfoutofthecarand intohischair,adjustinghislegs,leaningovertopulldownhisjeanstominimizethe chancethewindwouldbitehisskin. Thisfarout,theparkinglotwasunpaved,amixtureofflattened,dyinggrass andbitsofgravel,meaningeveryfewfeetKaihadtoleanbackandwheelietoprevent hiscastersfromgettingstuck.Itwasharderwork,butitkepthimwarmuntilhereached themainparkingareawithitssmootherasphalt.Thisclose,Kaicouldalreadysensethe music,evenifhecouldn’tquitehearitwiththeearplugs.Ifhereallywasgoingtoget backintheCommunityandstartgoingtomoreDeafevents,hewasgoingtohaveto investinbetterhearingprotectionthan2/$1atWalmart. Itwasevenstranger,insomeways,toberollingaroundthegroundsofthe schoolforthedeafthanithadbeenreturningtoCountyHouse.KaihadleftCHbehind onlyfouryearsago,butthelasttimeKaiwasheadingtowardthisgymwas1992. Nothinghadchanged,excepteverythinglookedalittlemorerundown,thecracksinthe sidewalkleadingtowardthegymnasiumlarger.Thepathwayhadbeendecoratedforthe holidaywithgravesandskeletonsandpumpkins,withalargebannerdrapedoverthe doors,announcingHappyHalloweeninfingerspelledhandshapes. Kaispottedafewstraypeoplehurryinginside,costumesconcealedbycoats andjackets.Kaitookinadeepbreath.Stilltimetoturnback,buthefeltsomethingin hisstomach—excitement?—thatmadehimpressforward,pullingtheheavydoorsopen andsqueezinginside. Theshockofthecoldburningoffhithim,mixedwiththeintensebassthathe couldfeelrattlinghischair.Itwaslikeasaunainside,betweentheheatandallthe dancingbodies,butKaispottedacoatcheckofftohisleft,sohedriftedover,pullingoff hisglovesandthenhiscoat,stuffingtheminthepocket. Itwasstrange,yetwonderfulwhentheattractiveyounggirl—wholookedlike shewasstillinhighschool—greetedhiminsign,welcominghimtotheparty,wishing himahappyHalloween,andtakinghiscoatinexchangeforaclaimticket.Shealso remindedhimthattheywereraisingmoneytopaintthegymandresurfacethefloor,so hecoulddonate,orallproceedsfromthefoodandbeverageswerealsogoingtoward thoseprojects. “Didyougotoschoolhere?” “Classof‘96,”Kairesponded,whichwastrue,evenifhegraduatedfrom JonesvilleHighinstead. 32 Shesmiled.“Welcomeback!”AndofferedhimanalumniHalloweenbutton. Kaismiledandthankedher,waitinguntilhe’dwheeledoffbeforeshovingitin thepouchbehindhislegs.Hescannedtheroom,wonderingifthiswasamistake.Being inthechairputhimatanautomaticdisadvantageatanyparty,butparticularlyonein whichmostofthecommunicationhappenedliterallyoverhishead. Hewanderedaround,carefullyweavingthroughthecrowd,gettingafewlooks frompeopleobviouslywonderingwhohewas.Perhapshe’dchangedtoomuchforany ofhisformerclassmatestorecognizehim.Wouldn’tnecessarilybeabadthing.Halfthe crowdwassandwichedtogetheronthedancefloor,therestgatheredincirclesalongthe sides,engagedinanimatedconversations.Everyonewasincostumeofsomekind. Kaiwasdebatinggettingadrinkwhenhesawsomeonefranticallywavingat him;atfirst,heassumedthewomanhadtobetryingtogetsomeoneelse’sattention behindhim,soheswiveled,onlytorealizewhenheturnedbackaroundthatshehad beentryingtosignalhimafterall. Shewastall,narrow,blondandbubbly,acheerleaderorsoccer-momtype, thoughshewasabouthisage,dressedina1950spoodle-skirt.“Kai?Dr.Taylor’s brother?” Kai’seyebrowsdippedashenoddedhisfistinayes. Thewomanpracticallyexplodedintoasmile,literallyjumpingup.“I’mMegan Younger!I’mtutoringyourbrotherinASL.Youlooksomuchalike!” Oh.TheideaofJonlearningASLfromsomeoneso...effervescentwas amusing. “Where’syourcostume?” Kailookeddown,anevilthoughtpoppingintohishead,beforereturningeye contact.Heindicatedhiswheelchair.“Thisismycostume.” Hereyeswidenedforamoment,clearlynotsurewhattodo. Kaisighed;messingwithMeganwasevencruelerthanmessingwithPamthe otherday.“I’mjoking.” Herfacetransformedasshebattledbetweenlaughingandbeingintensely uncomfortable.“You’reterrible.Youremindmeofmyfiancé.”Sheglancedaround, signaledtosomeone. Soon,abroad-chestedman,aboutMegan’sheight—whichmadehimshorter thanmostofthemenattheparty,anddefinitelyshorterthanKaiifhewerestanding, pushedhiswaythroughtowardthem.Hehadashockofredhaircroppedshortsothatit stoodup,andhealsowasuncostumed. Kaidriftedbackwardsafewinches.Themanbeforehimhadchangedalotin theinterveningyears,buttherewasnodenyingit.“David?”hesaid,mouthingthename whilesigningWRONGonhischin,Kai’sprivatenamesignforDavidhe’dgivenhim whenthey’dfirstmetatCountyHouse.Kaihadbeenscared,notfeelingwell,andupset, recentlyseparatedfromeveryoneheknew,placedinahomewherenooneknewhis language.UntilDavidhaddrawnhisattentionandlookedatKai,eyebrowsdrawndown inconcernandquestion,hishandinthehandshapeidenticaltoSAME,knucklesonhis chin,askingKai,“What’swrong?”Inthatinstance,Kai’sworldchanged:suddenly,he wasn’tisolatedandaloneanymore,becausehehadaboyhisagewhoknewsign. Abrother.“Kai!”Davidechoedafterablinkofshock,greetingKaiwithhisown originalnamesign,avariationonthesignforBROTHER,aKdrawndownfromhis foreheadtohis“L”-shapedhand. BeforeKaicouldtakeinanotherbreath,Daviddroppedtohiskneesand 33 embracedKaitightly,asiftryingtosqueezethelifeoutofhim.Asuncomfortableas David’sintensegripwas,thehugfeltlikecominghome.JakehadtaughtKaiinhisfirst fewdaysinthehearingworldthatheariesdonotliketobetouched,andmendonot hug.ItwasahugewakeupcallforKai,whowasusedtotheDeafnormswheretouching wasnotonlyallowed,butnecessary.Ifyouendedaconversationwithoutahug,the otherpersonwouldbedeeplyoffended. Kaichoked,andfinally,Davidreleasedhim,crouchingtokeepateyelevel, graspingKai’sfaceandstudyingitforafewminutes.David’seyeswerefullofemotion, andwhenhefinallypulledbacktosign,hewiggledhisfingersintheairasifhecouldn’t evenfindthewords. “God!You’restillalive!Ithoughtyouweredead!”Daviddidn’tusethe euphemismsignPASSED-AWAY,butinsteadfingerspelledtheword,sharp,intense movements,practicallythrowingthefinal"D"intheairforaddedemphasis. Kaishrugged,smiled. Davidletoutalongbreath.“Youlookgreat.Healthy.You’vegainedweight! Butyou’renotwalkinganymore.”Ah,thatwassomethingelseKaihadmissed:Deafie bluntness.AnotherculturaldifferenceJakehadtriedtoteachhim,thoughthathadbeen ahardoneforKaitoovercome:Deafpeopletolditlikeitwas,gettingstraighttothe point.Itwasn’tconsideredrudetobehonest.Itwasbaffling,atfirst,toKai,howhearing peopleusedsomanywordsbecausetellingthetruthwasconsideredrude.Acultureof lying,KaihadexplainedtoDavidafterhisfirstfewmonthsatthehearingschool. BeforeKaicouldreply,MegantappedDavidontheshouldertodrawhis attention.Hestoodbackup,visiblyannoyed,thoughhetriedtocontainitforhersake. “Youtwoknoweachother?” David’seyesdartedtoKai’sbeforehereplied,“Wewenttoschooltogether,but Kaitransferredtoadifferenthighschool,sowehaven’tseeneachotherinsixyears.” KainoticedDaviddidn’tmentionCountyHouse,sohesaidnothing.Infact, KaiwonderedifMeganevenknewaboutCH.JustbecauseDeafiescouldbebluntdidn’t meantheycouldn’twithholdinformation.KaiandDavidwerealikeinthatway:what someonedidn’tknowcouldn’thurtyou. “We’vegotalotofcatchinguptodo,”DavidexplainedtoMegan.“Thinkwe’ll gosomewhereprivatetotalk.”Hegesturedwithbothsplayedhands,fingerspointing towardhimtoindicateallthepryingeyesprivytotheirconversation.“I’llfindyoulater? OK?”Hekissedhisfiancée’scheek,eventhoughKaicouldseeinherfaceshewasless thanthrilledbyhishastyexitandlacklusterexplanation.KaiwasprettycertainDavid didn’tgreeteveryonethewayhehadKai,andMeganhadtosuspecttherewasmoreto thestory. Shereluctantlydisappearedintothecrowd,andonceshewasgone,David lookedKaioveragain.“Whoareyousupposedtobe?” “TonyHawkafterhemissedamajortrick,”Kaisignedfacetiously,mimicking askatertakingareallybadfall,hisfacialexpressionsfollowingthejourneytothefinal splat.Hefurrowedhisbrows,pointedatDavid.“You?” Davidlaughed.HepulledonhiswhiteT-shirt.“Whiteshirtandjeanstogo withMegan’sGreasetheme.ToldheritwastheclosestthingtoacostumeI’ddo.” Kaisignedinacknowledgement,noddingthehandshapeforSAME.“Canwe gosomewheretotalk?” Davidlookedaround,thennodded,signaledforKaitofollow. 34 Davidledthewaythroughthecrowd,glancingbackeverycoupleminutestomakesure Kaiwasstillbehindhim.Theywovethroughthegroupsgatheredaroundthefoodand beveragetables,circlesofchattingpeoplegratefulforaplacetoresttheirdrinkwhile theysigned. Davidexitedthegym,immediatelyfeelingtheshiftinairtemperature.The vibrationofthemusicbegantofadeasheheadeddownahallwaytowardaclassroom withaneasilypickablelock.Hepulledhiskeysfromhispocket,flippedtillhegottohis tools,crouched,andinaminutehadthedooropen.Hegrinned,wavingKaiinside. Kaijustshookhishead,buthewassmiling. Davidpulledadesktowardthecenteroftheroomandsankintoit,leaning back.HewatchedKairollin,movingsmoothlytofacehim.ItshockedDavidhowmuch Kaihadbulkedupsincethey’dlastseeneachother.Hewaswearingalong-sleevedTshirtasizetoobig,butDavidcouldstillseetheoutlineofstrongshouldersandbicepsas Kaimaneuveredhischair.Theskinnylittle“brother”Davidrememberedwasgone,and thoughheworkedoutregularly,hewonderedifKaiwouldbeathimonthebenchpress orchin-ups.Maybeheshouldhaveunlockedtheweightroominsteadsotheycouldhave foundout. Davidnevercouldresistacontest. Butthenithithim:hislittle“brother”reallywashere,infrontofhim,alive.So veryalive.Kailookedbetterthanever,andforamoment,Davidwastransportedback sixteenyearstothedaytheyfirstmet. DavidhadlandedatCountyHouseafteradisastrousseriesoffosterhomesandafailed yearofhearingkindergarteninwhichhe’dbeenplacedinSpecialEdasthey’d attemptedtoteachhimEnglish.Mouth-movers,he’dthoughtofhearingpeople,because theywerealwayslookingathim,theirmouthsmoving,moving,moving,sometimes tryingtogethimtomakehismouthmove,too,thoughhecouldneverfigureoutexactly why.Hisfather—whomhe’dthoughtofasRed-neckbecausethat’swhatwouldhappen tohimwheneverhismouthmovedinlargemotions,spitflying,teethshowing,usually rightbeforeheslappedDavid’scheek—hadtriedoverandovertogetDavidtoimitate him.Pointingtosomethingandmovinghislips,thenencouragingDavidtorepeatthe motion,holdingDavid’sfingerstohisthroatbecauseapparentlyforcingairoutwhen youmovedyourmouthwaspartofthegame. Davidlovedgames,butthatwasneveroneheliked.Becausehecouldnever winit.Hecouldn’tunderstandwhythemouth-moverswaggedtheirlipsandblewair out,whenpointingandgesturingmadesomuchmoresense.David’smother—whom he’dthoughtofasSmiley-warm-nice-smell—hadunderstoodthat,andshehadnever madehimimitatethemouth-movers.Butshewentawayonedayandnevercameback. CountyHousewasastrangeplace.Thegoodthingwashe’dfinallygonetoa schoolwheretherewerenomouth-movers;instead,everyonetherewasahand-mover, andoverthepastyearhehadlearnedthatthereweresignsforthings.LikeRed-neck washis“half-man,”thumbofhisspreadhandonlytouchinghisforeheadinsteadofalso goingdowntohischest.Father,they’dtaughthim.AndSmiley-warm-nice-smell,even thoughshe’dgoneaway,washis“half-woman,”thumbonlyonhischin.Mother. Davidstilldidn’talwaysunderstandtheotherhand-movers,becausetheyused signsforthingshedidn’tknow,buthelearnedquickly,becausethiswasagamewith ruleshecouldcomprehend. Buthewastheonlyhand-moveratCountyHouse.Noonetriedtomakehim 35 likethem,buttheystillwaggedtheirlipsathim,andthewhite-hairedladyalways seemedtobeangrywithhim.Hewonderedifitwasbecausehewassupposedtotryto imitateherbuthewasn’t.Buthedidn’twanttoplaythatgameagain,neveragain. He’donlyhadacoupleweeksofkindergarten,andhewasolderthantheother kidsinhisclass,becausehewasstilllearningtosign,whenhereturnedtohisroom surprisedtofindsomeonethere.TheentireyearDavidhadlivedatCountyHouse,he’d roomedalone,whichwasfine.Itwasniceafterallthefosterhomes,mostofwhich wherehelastedonlyafewweeksandwerefilledwithannoyingmouth-movingchildren. Theboywastiny,frail,sittingonthebed,hislegspulledintohischest,hisface buriedinhisknees,hisyellowhairatangledmess.Apairofcrutchesleanedagainstthe wallnearby,andtheboy’slegsweretrembling,hisbackshaking.Cautiously,excitedthat maybethisboywasahand-movertoo,Davidapproachedandtappedhislegstotryto gethisattention. Buttheboydidn’trespond,andDavidwonderedifmaybehewasliketheolder kidatCountyHousehecalledSmashed-face,becausehisnosewasallmessedup.He couldn’twalkbecausehecouldn’tfeelhislegs,andWhite-hair-old-ladyhadgrown particularlyangryatDavidwhenhe’dexperimentedwithhowfarhecouldgobefore Smashed-facewouldfeelanything. SoDavidhadtriedagain,tappingtheboy’sshoulderthistime.Thismadethe boylookup.Hisfacewaspuffy,hiseyesred,hischeekswet,andhewaspanting,his chestworkinghard,likebreathingwasdifficult,likehe’djustrunaroundandaround andaroundandwastryingtocatchhisbreath.ButwhatreallystruckDavidwashow incrediblybluetheboy’seyeswere:bluerthananyhe’deverseenbefore,andhe wonderedifBluewashisname,sinceDavid’snamewasRedbecauseofhishair.They’d taughthimhisrealnamewasD-A-V-I-D,butthatdidn’tmeananythingtohim. David’seyebrowsdipped,andhetappedhisknucklesonhischin,thumband pinkystandingout,“WRONG?”Thoughiftheboywasamouth-mover,likemostpeople, heprobablywouldn’tunderstand. Instead,theboyhadreleasedhislegs,andthey’dfallentothebedlike discardedtoys.Hiseyeshadwidenedandshimmeredwithfreshtearsbeforehethrew hisarmsaroundDavidandembracedhimtight. Finally,theboypulledback,hishandsmovingrapidlyintheair.Hewasa hand-mover,too!Davidwassoexcited,hedidn’tevenpayattentiontowhattheboywas saying,andhadtoaskhimtorepeathimself. TheboyexplainedhisnamewasK-A-Iandthathe’dlosthisfamily,andhewas particularlysadabouthisbrother.DidDavidknowwherehewas? FamilywasaconceptDavidstruggledtograsp,butheknewhedidn’thaveone, notanymore;nooneatCountyHousedid.Ifthisboywashere,hisfamilywasgone,too. “Themouth-movers,”Davidexplained,usingthesignthey’dtaughthim,indexfinger rotatingoutathismouth,whichmimickedthesillywaytheywerealwayswaggingthem, “putyouherewhenyourfamilydoesn’twantyou.Forgetaboutthem.” Daviddidknowwhat“brother”meant,onacertainlevel,anyway:therewere twinbrothersinhisclass,andtheywerebestfriends.“I’myourfamilynow.Brother.” DavidfinallyrealizedKaiwaswavingathimtotrytogethisattention.“YouOK?” Davidnodded.“SORRY.TIRED.Istillcan’tbelieveyou’realive.Ileft Jonesvilleforyears,andwhenIcameback,everyonetoldmeyou’dgottenverysick, thatyou’ddisappearedfromtheCommunity.Whathappened?Somekindofmiracle?” 36 DavidwatchedtheheavyriseandfallofKai’schestashesighed.ThenKai shookhishead.“Transplant,bothlungs.Lastyear.”Heliftedhisshirtjustlongenough forDavidtoseethelongscarinthecenterofhischest. “WOW,”Davidsaid,shakinghishandofftohisside.“I’mgladyou’reallright.” Kailaughed.“Stillalive,right?Whatyoubeenupto?” Davidspreadhisarms,gesturingaroundtheroom.“Oddjobs.Whateverpays thebills.AfterIagedoutofCH,Ibouncedaroundfromfamilytofamilyforawhile,but Icouldn’tdeal.Droppedout.Youknowme.Alwaysangry.” Kailaughed.“Andtakingitoutontheworld.Youmadeityourmissionto knoweverydirtysigntherewas.” “It’sonereasonIlearnedtopicklocks,soIcouldstealstufftobribetheolder kidstoteachme.IknewthesignsbeforeIevenreallyunderstoodwhattheyall meant.” Kaishookhishead,stilllaughing.“Youalwayshavetowinateverything.” “Hey,iftheydidn’tcallmeRed,they’dprobablycallmeStubborn.Remember thecontestsweusedtohave?Toseewhichofuscouldsigntheworstpossiblethingand convincethestaffatCHitwasperfectlyinnocent?” Kaihadtopausetowipetearsfromhiseyes.“Thebestonewasthattimeyou convincedthathorribleorderly,Ken,youwereaskingforanotherpillowwhenyou werereallytellinghimhismotherwasagreatfuck.” Theyreminiscedforawhile,swappingstories,untilfinallyKaiadmitted,“I missedyou.” “Don’tgetallsappyonmenow.” “Fuckyou.YoucriedlikeababywhenyouthoughtIwasdead.” Davidshrugged.“SowhatifIdid?HowdidyousurviveafterCH?Youdidn’t gointotheCommunity,likeme.How...?” Kaitookadeepbreath.“Mybrother.My...real...brothercameforme.” DavidpickeduponKai’shesitanceinhissigning,thoughDavidwouldn’tdeny howithurttoseethesignsTRUTHandBROTHERjuxtaposed.“Unlikeyourfake brother,whoabandonedyou?”Davidtriedtoplayitoffasajoke,butknewhefailed beforehe’devenfinishedsigning.“I’msorry.Imeanttocomeback,onceI’dgotten somemoney,butI’dforgottenhowmuchthehearingworldsucked.Noonewouldhire me,oriftheydid,Iwouldn’tlast.They’dalwaysfindsomereasonotherthanmy deafness,but...”Davidshrugged.“IendedupinCouncilBluffs,attheDeafschool there.Workedasajanitor,managedtogetmyGED.LivedacrossthebordersoIcould establishresidency,gotintoUNO—” “UniversityofNebraska?”Kaiaskedinclarification. Davidnodded.“That’swhereImetMegan.Shewasdoingherinternshipand interpretedformeafewtimes.” “Ican’tbelievemybrother’sASLtutorisyourfiancée.Ican’tbelieveyou’re engaged.Andtoahearie.” Davidshrugged.“Myopinionofhearingpeoplehasn’tchanged.ButMegan’s goodforme.Keepsmeoutoftrouble,”hesaidwithagrin.“Andyou’llalwayshave Deafheart,”Davidsigned,theletter“D”handshapetappedonhisheart,“nomatter whatanyonesays.” InezwasonherfeetbeforeJonhadevencompletelyemergedthroughthecurtain. “GracíasaDios.Ineverimaginedyou’dbetheconsultingdoctorthey’dsendus.Usually 37 it’ssomeonelikethatDr.Kainer.” JonsmiledfaintlyatInezbeforeapproachingthebed.Martinwaslyinginit, thebedangledhighsohewassittingup,ahigh-flowoxygenmaskonhisface.Hewas alert,thoughJoncouldseebytherapidmovementofhischest,howhisshouldersrose andfellwitheachharshbreath,hisneckmusclesengaged,thateventheoxygenwasn’t relievinghisdyspnea.AquickglanceatthemonitorsconfirmedJon’sinitialassessment, butheforcedasmileashetookMartin’shandandmadeeyecontact. “Overdiditwiththetrick-or-treating,huh?”Jonaskedashecarefullycounted Martin’sbreaths. “Hewaswithhisfriendswhenhestartedhavingalotoftroublebreathingand hadtorest,”Inezexplained.Jonangledhisheadsohecouldhearher,butkepthisfocus onMartin,whowasclearlynotbreathingeasily,hisrespirationratealmostdoublehis normal.“Butafterafewminutes,hislipsturnedblueandhestartedshivering,soI broughthimin.” JonnoddedashecheckedMartin’sfingernails.Jonnibbledhisliptohidea frown;likeKai’s,Martin’sfingerswereclubbedonthetips,andthebedswerepale, faintlyblue.Cyanosis.Martin,despitetheoxygen,despitehowhardhewasworkingfor eachbreath,wasn’tgettingenoughoxygenintohisblood. “Ishouldn’thaveletyougo.Itwastoocold.Itwastoomuchwalking.” Martinshookhishead,liftedthemaskawayfromhisfacetoargue.“Youdrove medoor-to-door,Ma,”hesaid,hiswordshaltingandbreathy.Hehadtopausea moment,puttingthemaskbackinplaceandbreathingforafewsecondsbeforeadding, “Comounniño.” Joncheckedtheoxygensettingatthewalltoensureitmatchedwhathadbeen recordedintheorders.Itwasunlikelythatbumpingitupanyhigherthanitalreadywas wouldbenefitMartinmuch,butJonturnedtheflowrateupanyway. Jonpausedtorecordthechangeinthefile,alongwithafewquicknotes,butin reality,hewasgivingMartinsometimetoadjusttothehigherflow.“Didyoudressup? Orareyoutoocoolforthat?” Martinlaughedfaintly,andJonobservedhisbreathinghadeasedslightly. “MartyMcFly.BacktotheFuture.”JonwasrelievedtoseeMartintalkingalittlemore fluently. JonlaughedashenotedMartin’sheartratehadcalmednoticeably.“Wereyou evenalivewhenthatcameout?” “Itcameouttheyearhewasborn.It’shisfavoritemovie.Helikestotellpeople IwaswatchingitwhenIwentintolaborwithhim,andthat’swhyInamedhimMartin, butit’snottrue.” Jonlaughed,setthefileasideandpulledouthisstethoscope.“Youknowthe drill,”hesaid,warminguptheheadbeforeslidingitalongtheskinofMartin’sback, carefullylisteningtoeachlobeandbronchus,occasionallyencouragingMartintotakea deeperbreath,holdit,thenrelease.Jonwasparticularlyconcernedbythediffuse cracklesthroughMartin’slungs,whichsoundedlesslikethecongestionthatoften accompaniedFSorpneumoniaandmorelikescarring.TheareasofMartin’slungswith abnormalbronchialbreathsoundshadspread,withacompleteabsenceofbreath soundsinthelowerlobesofMartin’srightlung. “OK,say,‘Applesareawesome,’afewtimesforme,”Jonsaid.“Youdon’tneed totakeoffthemask.”Jonplacedtheheadofthestethoscopeintheareashesuspected werenewlyfibrosed,listeningforhowMartin’svoicesounded.Ashe’dsuspected,the 38 “E’s”hadtransformedto“A’s”infarmoreofMartin’slungsthantheyhadevenafew weeksbefore.EverythingsuggestedthattheaffectedtissuefromMartin’slasthospital stayhadn’thealed,butscarred. “Youdidgreat,”Jonsaid,takingoffhisstethoscopeanddrapingitaroundhis neck,checkingMartin’sfingernailsagain.Stillpale,butlessblue.“Howhaveyoubeen feelinglately?” “OK,”Martinsaid. “He’sbeenprettygood.Hegetstiredfaster.Hecan’twalkasfar,andhehas moretroublecatchinghisbreath,buthehasn’thadasmuchmucusorcoughingsince youputhimonthatmedicine.” Martinhadbeenonanimmunosuppressantregimen,notquiteasintenseas Kai’s,butsimilar,whichhadpushedhisABPAintoremission,butitsoundedlikethe damagehadbeendone. Jonnodded.“IwanttogetaCTtoconfirmwhattheX-rayandmyexam showed,andI’dliketokeepyouovernight,justtomakesurewe’renotdealingwith somethingmoreserious,”Jonsaid,alternatingglancingbetweenMartinandhismom. “Nobiopsy,right?”Martinsaidwithoutliftingthemask,hiswordsmuffled. Jonshookhishead.“Itshouldn’tbenecessarythistime.”Jonfoundhishand reachingupforhishairandtuckeditinhispocketinstead.HepattedMartin’sshoulder, offeringhimanencouragingsmile,beforeturningtoInez.“Puedohablarconustedun momentico?” HeledInezoutofthecurtainedarea,towardoneoftheactualexamroomshe knewwasempty,sothey’dhaveaplacetotalkoutsideofMartin’searshot.Inez’sface wasworried;Jonhadapolicy,ingeneral,ofbeinghonestwithhispatientsiftheywere oldenoughtounderstand,soheknewshewaswonderingwhatitwashefelthecouldn’t sayinMartin’spresence. “IwanttowaituntilIgetallthetestresultsback,butIthinkitmightbetime toconsiderputtingMartinonoxygenfulltime,”JonsaidinSpanishassoonasthey wereensconcedintheroom. Ineztookinaslow,deepbreath,noddingsubtly. “Ididn’twanttosayanythingtohimyet,notuntilI’mcertainthat’sthe treatmentplanI’mgoingtogivehim,butIwantedtotellyoufirst.” “Whatdoesthismeanforhim?” Jonsighed,crossedhisarmsonhischest.“He’sgotalotofscarringinhis lungs.FromyearsoflivingwithFS,frompreviouspneumonias,andnowasignificant amountfromthisABPA.Ihadhopedhewouldheal,buteverythingsuggestsMartin haslostalotoffunctionallungtissuerecently.” “Andthat’swhyhe’sbeenhavingsomuchtrouble,eventhoughhe’snot coughingorwheezinglikehewasbefore?” Jonnodded.“Oncethetissueisdamaged,itcan’tberepaired.It’sgone.”Jon smiledfaintly.“Peroeloxígenopuedemejorarsucalidaddevida.” Inezbrokedownwhensheheardthewords“qualityoflife,”andJonhadto reachtohelphertoherseat.“That’swhatdoctorssaywhensomeone’sdying.” Jonsighedheavily,sankdownintotheotherseatsotheywereateyelevel.“I’m stillfightingthetransplantcommittee.Onebyone,tryingtoconvinceoneofthemto callanewmeetingtoreconsidertheirdecision.Iwon’tgiveuponhim.Ipromise.” Ineznodded,laidahandonJon’sarm.“Ioweyouanapology.ForthewayI treatedyoutheotherday.You’vedonenothingbutgoodforbothofus,andyoudidn’t 39 deservethat.” Jonshrugged.“It’sforgotten.”Hesmiled,grippedInez’shandsinhis,looking herdirectlyintheeyes.“I’mgoingtohavesomeonecometalktoyou.She’llhelpyou dealwithyourinsuranceingettingMartinhisoxygensupplies,andshe’llexplainhow touseit.AndIwilltalktoMartinmyselfifthat’swhatwedecidetodo,allright?” InezsurprisedJonbyrisingandthrowingherarmsaroundhiminatight embrace.“QueDioslebendiga,DoctorTaylor.Gracíasportodo.” Don’tthankorblessmeyet,Jonthought.TakeawaytheABPAandreplaceit withpneumonia,andMartin’scaselookedalmostidenticaltoKai’s,fouryearsago.The oxygenwouldmakeMartinfeelbetter,buthedidn’thavemuchtime. AsKaiexitedtheschool,heimmediatelynoticedthetemperaturehaddroppedafew moredegrees,andalight,colddrizzlehadbeguntofall.Kaipausedtoziphiscoatup further,buthestillshivered.He’dgettohiscarasfastashecould,gethome,andsleep forever.Still,ithadbeensurprisinglynicetoseeDavidagain,andtochatwithsomeof theotherDeafieswhowerenonethewiseraboutwhohewasorhishistory,whichwas fine.Itwouldcomeouteventually,butforonenighthecouldjustenjoybeing surroundedbythelanguageandculturehelovedandmisseddesperately. Afewcarshadleft,makingKai’spaththroughthepavedportionoftheparking lotmoredirectandfaster,tohisrelief,butashecarefullywheeliedthroughtheunpaved lot,nearinghiscar,heletoutastringofEnglishcurses.Anassholeinalargepickup (completewithcattleguard)hadparkedillegallyonthedriver’ssideofKai’scar,leaving himblockedinonbothsides.Hepushedaround,butitwasnouse.It’dbehardenough foranable-bodiedpersontosqueezein;therewasnowayhischairwouldfit.Kai shiveredassomerainsnuckdownthebackofhisneckbetweenthecollarofhisjacket.It wasalongwaybacktotheschool,andsinceitwasstillearly,relatively,itwasn’tlikely anyoneelsewasgoingtocomealongintheimmediatefuture. “Fuck!”Kaiscreamed,slamminghishandonthehoodofthetruck. Herubbedhisfist,glaringatthecar,asifthepowerofhisstarecouldmoveit, whenanideaoccurredtohim.Hepushedaway,studyingthesituation.Hecould potentiallyusetheproximityofthetrucktohisadvantage.Hesnortedatthethought.At leastasmuchofan“advantage”ashecouldinthispredicament.Hewasn’twearinghis braces,butifhecouldgethisleftlegtocooperateenoughnottobuckle,hecould potentiallyleavehischairinfrontofthetruck,usingthehoodforleverage,thenthe bodytosupporthisownwhilehegrippedtheluggagerackontheroofofhiscartohelp pullhimselfalong.Itwouldn’tbefastoreasy,anditwasarisk:ifheslippedorfellor movedwrong,hecouldlegitimatelyfuckuphisrightleg,whichwasnearlyhealed,and hehadn’twornhiskneebrace. Kaiturnedhisheadtogazeoutatthedarkparkinglottowardthelightsofthe school.Hisonlyoptionsweretogoback,findsomeone—Davidmaybe—topullhiscar outenoughforhimtogetinsinceitwastoocoldtowaitouthere,orattempthis acrobaticfeatandhopeforthebest.AshivertorethroughKai’sbodyagain. “Noguts,noglory,right?”hesaidoutloud,positioninghimselfascloseas possibletothegapbetweenthetwocarswhilestillensuringhewouldn’thithischair oncehepulledoutofthespace.Hestaredhardforafewmoreminutes,calculating,then liftedhisfeetoffthefootrest,onebyone,testinghisleftleg.“WhatthefuckamI thinking?” Double-checkingthebrakesonhiswheels(andthathehadhiscarkeysinhis 40 pocket),Kaireachedoutforthetopbarofthecattleguard,usingittopullhimselftohis feet,tryinghisbestnottobumphisrightlegorleanonittooheavily,prayinghisleftleg wouldhold.Hiskneewobbledandtriedtobuckle,sohepulledhimselftightertothe grillofthetruck,usingthebumpertohelpsupporthim,takingafewsecondstocatch hisbreath.Thenhereachedforthesidemirror,gratefulforhislongarms,managingto pullhimselfalongthesideofthepickup,halfhoppingandhalfdragginghisleftleg, grippingtightlytothetruck,prayinghewouldn’tfall.Hesitantly,hereleasedhisgripon thetruck’smirror,reachingoutforhiscar,holdinghisbreathashefelthimselfstartto slide.Therainwasn’thelping,makingeverysurfaceslick.Kaihurriedlyshiftedhisright armtothetruck’smirror,thenhislefttothebarontheroofrackofhiscar. Hisbodywobbled,andforamoment,hesankdown,hiskneesbeginningto giveout,leavinghimhalf-hangingbetweenthemirrorofthetruckandtherackofhis car.Thankfully,becauseofthenarrowspace,hewasabletoanglehiship,leaninginto thesideofhiscar,whichgavehimthechancetoadjusthisholdonthebaroftheluggage rackandpullhimselfup.Leaningagainsttheedgeofthedriver’ssidedoor,hemoved hisotherarmtotherack,bowinghisheadandbreathingheavily.Therainwascoming downhardernow,buthewasoverheatedfromtheeffort,hisskinthatstrangemixofhot yetchilledyouonlygetfromexertionincoldweather.Buthewasalmostthere,and thoughhisleftkneewasscreamingathim,hisrightseemedtobeOK. Heusedhisgripontheluggagebartopull,slide,andhophiswayahalffoot downthesideofhiscar,whichwouldgivehimroomenoughtounlockitandopenthe door.Kaiadjustedhishold,leaningontheroofofthecarsothathisleftforearmwas bracedagainstthebar,hishandgrippingoneofthesupportstightly.Oncehewassure hewasassecureashecouldbeinthesituation,hereleasedhislefthand,pullingouthis keyscarefully,makingsurehehadafirmgrip.Ifhedroppedthemnow,he’dbefucked. Thankfully,hewasabletogetthecarunlockedonthefirsttrywithoutslipping down,thoughgettingthedooropenfromthisanglewasalittletrickier.Hemanagedto pullthehandle,inchingthedooropen.Shovinghiskeysbackinhispocket,Kaithenwas abletogethishandontheedgeandpryitopenasfarashecouldintheconfinedspace. Onehandonthetopofthedoor,theotherslidtothetopedgeoftheluggagerack,Kai wasabletotwistjustenoughtoawkwardlydropintotheseat,hislegsalittletangled.He pausedforamoment,shivering,hischeekshotbutburningwithchill,hishairplastered tohisfacefromtherainandsweat,regaininghisbreath.Atleasthisnewlungsdidn’t reacttothecoldairthewayhisoldoneswouldhave,hethought,relieved.Finally,he pulledhislegsin,massaginghisleftknee—he’dhavetoiceitbeforebed—relievedhis rightseemedtobeOK,andhurriedlyturningtheengineandblastingtheheat. Nowthathewasnolongergrappling,hisbodydecidedshiveringwouldbean excellentcourseofaction,histeethchattering.Kaiwastemptedtositforamomentin theenclosedcar,lettingitwarmup,buthischairwasstandingoutinthecoldrain,and heneededtogethome.Oncehewassurehishandshadstoppedshakingenoughtotrust them,Kaicarefullyeasedthecarforward,watchingforhiswheelchair.Oncehehad pulledpastitsafely,heopenedhisdoor,andgrippingthesteeringwheelwithhisright hand,leanedoverandyankedhischaircloser,sincethewheelswerelocked.Hepopped themoff,tossingthemonebyone,thentheframe,inthepassenger’sseat. Hewasexhausted,hisshouldersandarmsburningwithfatigue,soakedand cold,buthe’ddoneit.Hetriednottothinkoftheironythatifhe’dinvitedReneealong, shecouldhaveeasilysqueezedthroughandpulledthecarforwardinlessthanfive minutesinsteadofthenearlyhalf-hourordealithadtakenhim. 41 AsKaiheadedhome,hedecidedtherewasalessonintheresomewhere,buthe wastootiredtogiveitmuchthought. 42 November2,2000 Kaisatinhiswheelchair,leanedback,readingthroughthestudyguideReneehadcome upwithfortheirmidterm.Itwasonlyafewdaysaway,andalreadyKaiwasworried. He’ddonewellonhismakeupwork,butfailedhislastexam,anditwasgoingtotakean interventionalaJeanned’ArctogethimthroughtheclasswiththeDhe’dneedtomove ontothesecondsemester.Butthesurgicalmaskwasuncomfortable,distracting.He lookedup.ThewaitingroomwasfullsinceTuesdaysandThursdayswerealwaysthe busiestclinicdays.He’dbeputtinghimselfatahugeriskifhedidn’tkeepiton.He sighed.Justanotherofthelittleinconveniencesofhislifepost-transplant.Buthe supposedbeingabletobreathewasworththeexchange. Hehappenedtoglanceupjustastwomorepeoplecameinthedoor.Ashort Hispanicwomaninher40swithafrail-lookingteenageboyofaboutfourteenalso wearingasurgicalmask,pullinganoxygencanisterbehindhim.Lookingathimwaslike staringintoKai’sownpast,andhebeckonedthemover.Theboysmiled,glancedupat hismomforpermission,thenhurriedover. AsmilelithiseyesashesankdownintotheemptyseatbesideKai’schair,even thoughhewasbreathinghard,stillnotusedtotheoxygen,apparently.“You’reKai, aren’tyou?” Kainodded.“Iknowit’sinstinctivetobreathethroughyourmouthwhenyou’re outofbreath,buttrytocloseyourmouthandbreathethroughyournoseinstead.You’ll recoverfasterwiththeoxygen.” Thekidobeyed,andsoonhisbreathinghadeasedsubtly,andherelaxedagain, thoughhestillseemedelatedtomeetKai.“I’mMartin.” “Nicetomeetyou,Martin.”Kaiofferedhishandandtheyshook,onlytohave Martin’smotherrushoverandimmediatelychastisehim,commandinghimtostickout hishandforhertosquirtantibacterialgelintoit. “YourememberwhatDr.Taylorsaid.Youhavetobecarefulaboutgetting sick.” Sotheboywasimmunocompromised,too.ThiscouldbethepatientJonhad beenstressingaboutbefore,whenKaihadhissevereMLSattack.Thekidlooked embarrassed;obviously,hesawKaiassomekindofhero—hewasn’tthefirstkidwithFS who’dseenKaithatway—andnowhismotherhadburstinandmadehimlookbadin frontofKai. “She’sright,Martin,”Kaisaid.“Youhavetobeverycareful.Thingsthat wouldn’tmakeyourmomsickcanmakeusverysick.” Hismotherwaspulledawayfromherworryforamoment,seemingtoseeKai forthefirsttime.“Oh,youhavetobeDr.Taylor’sbrother.It’snicetomeetyou.We’ve heardalotaboutyou.” Kaiofferedhishand,andshehesitatedinitially,butfinallyacceptedit. Afterward,sheofferedhimsomeoftheantibacterialgel.Hedidn’twanttotellheritwas pointlessforhimtouseitrightnow,sincehe’dhavetotouchhiswheelstogettothe examroom,butheacceptednonetheless,smilingdespitethemask. “I’mInez,andIsupposeyoumetMartinalready.” BeforeKaicouldsayanything,Martininterrupted.“Didithurt?” Kaiblinked,beforefinallyconnectingthedots:MartinwasaskingaboutKai’s transplant.“Yes.But—”Kaiwasabouttoaddthatnoamountofpainpost-transplant 43 couldhavebeenasbadasthesufferinghe’dbeeninbefore,butitwasobviousMartin hadn’tbeenonoxygentherapyverylong;hewasonthedownslope,butatthepeakstill lookingdown.Maybeitwasbetterifhedidn’tseewhatlayaheadofhim.Hopeand optimismwerejustasimportantasanyothermedicine.“Butnotforlong,”Kaisaid instead. “CanIsee?” “Martin,”Inezscolded.“Leavehimalone.”ShelookedatKai.“I’msorryhe’s botheringyou.Butyourstorymeansalottohim.ToalltheFSpatients.” Kainodded.Heknewhedid;healsoknewitwaspossiblethetransplantwasn’t thecurethey’dbeenhopingfor,butnooneexceptDr.JandKaiknewthat,andKai plannedtokeepitthatwayaslongaspossible.“It’sallright.I’musedtopeopleasking mequestions.”Kaimadesurehisstudyguidewassecuredbetweenhislegs,thenused hishandstoshifthisbodyintheseatsubtly,sohewasangledalittlemoretoward Martin.“Youwanttoseemyscars?” KaicouldtellMartinwasbeamingeventhroughthemask. “OK,butit’llbereallyquick.”Kaihurriedlyliftedhisshirtandfleecepullover, justlongenoughforMartintogetaquickpeekbeforelettingthefabriccoverhimagain. “Whoa.” Kailaughed. “What’sitlike?Nothavingtroublebreathingallthetime?” KaifounditdifficulttomeetMartin’seyes.Kaiknewthetransplantcommittee hadclosedoffFSpatientsfrombeinglisted—Jonrantedaboutitallthetime,andhe’d beenworkingontryingtochangetheirminds.ButevenifMartincouldbelisted,he couldwaityearsandpossiblydiebeforeamatchcameup;Kaihadwaitedmorethantwo yearshimself.Andthen,evenifhematched,hehadtosurvivethesurgeryandthe immediateaftermath,thefirstfewmonths,thefirstyear. ButKaididn’twanttolietohim,either.“It’sawesome,”Kaiadmittedfinally, smiling.“Weird,atfirst.It’sstill...weird,sometimes.Butgenerally,it’sawesome.” MartinstaredatKaidreamily,asifheweretryingtoimaginewhatlifewithout aconstantstruggleforairwaslike.Kaiknewhe’dtriedmorethanonce,before,whenhe wasyounger,andhisdreamshadn’tcomparedtoreality. “Kai?” Kaiturnedhisheadtoseethenurse,holdinghischart,beckoninghimin.“I havetogo,”Kaisaid,adjustinghisbodyinhischair.“Itwasnicemeetingyouboth.I hopeyoufeelbetter,”Kaisaid,winkingatMartin.“Ifyoueverneedtotalktosomeone who’sbeenthroughitall,justtellDr.Taylor.I’mhappytodoit.” “Thankyou,”Inezsaid. Kaialreadyhadhisvitalstaken,sohe’dpulledhimselfontotheexamtable,andsat, bracinghimselfwithhishandsoneachsideofhisthighs.Hisleftlegwasspasming, makinghisheelhitagainstthecabinetofthetableoverandoverandover.Itdidn’thurt, butthesoundwasirritating,makingithardforhimtotrytorunoverthedatesinhis mindashestruggledtostudy.Hekeptlosinghisfocus,forgettinghisthoughtsalmostas soonastheyhithim. Itdidn’thelpthathismindkeptturningtoMartin.Whatdidpassinghistory matterwhentherewasagoodchanceMartinwoulddie?Jonhadn’tsaidit,butKai wasn’tanidiot.ThetransplantcommitteehadtakenachancewithKai,andtheywere watchinghimcarefullybeforetheyallowedanyoneelsewithFStobelisted.Itwasavery 44 Jon-likethought,butwasitthatfarofftorealizethatifMartin,ifanyotherFSpatient whomightbesavedbyatransplantdied,itwouldbeessentiallyKai’sfault? Kaidrummedhisfingersontheedgeofthetable,feelinghisanxietyblooming intheirtingle.No.Hehadtogethismindoutofthecrazyloopbeforeitwenttoofar.He triedtomultiplybythreesinhishead.Threetimesthreeisnine.Ninetimesthreeis twenty-seven.Twenty-seventimesthree....Buthecouldn’tevenfocusonthat;oncehe gotintotripledigits,whilehetriedtodothemathinhishead,he’dforgetwhathewas multiplying.Themorehetriedtoconcentrate,themorefrustratedhebecame.Threes. Multiplicationofthrees.Buthecouldn’trememberwherehewas.Hetriedtostartover. Threetimesthreeisnine.Ninetimesthreeistwenty-seven.Twenty... twenty.Twenty....Kaislammedhishandontheexambenchinfrustrationashis breathingincreasedandhishandsbegantoshake. Kaistruggledtocalmhisbreathing,tonotgiveintotheanxiety,butitwas beyondhiscontrol.Hewasgasping,hiseyesshut,hisbodyshakingandspasming,his mindracingalongwithhisheartlikeamovieonfastforward. “Kai,”avoicevaguelypiercedtheveilofpanic.“Kai,it’sOK.” Thevoicewasnearlydrownedoutbythethudofhislegsagainstthetable,the poundingofbloodinhisears,theharshwheezethatfilledeverydesperatebreath. Hefeltamaskbeingsecuredtohisface,thenthecold,slightlybitterfamiliarity ofnebulizedalbuterol.Twohandsrestedreassuringlyonhisshoulders.Thetouchand themedshelpedstopthepanic;thoughhisbreathstillcameharshlyandhisheartstill beatasiftryingtofleehischest,hisspasmsandshakingcalmedsome.Heopenedhis eyes,tryingtotakedeepbreaths,hisbodyresistingtheeffort. Jon.KaihadexpectedDr.J,oranurse.“Trytorelaxandbreathe,Kai,”Jon said.“Where’syouranxietymeds?” Kaipointedtohischair,thoughhisarmtrembled,andhesoondroppedit. “Pocket.Small.Bag.”Kaipushedhimselfbackjustenoughtoresthisheadagainstthe wall.Astheanxietybegantodrainaway,sodidKai’senergy,leavinghimexhausted, feelinguseduplikehedidafteraparticularlyintenseworkout. Helethiseyesdriftclosed,focusingonhisbreathing,whichhadcalmed, thoughitwasstillmorelaboredthannormal. Hestayedlikethatafewminutes,untilhefeltJon’shandsmoothhis,thenlift themaskaway. “Here,”Jonsaid,offeringKaiapill.“You’reOK.” KaitookthepillwithsometapwaterJongavehim,butotherwisebarely moved.“Jon.” “Ihadjustfinishedupwithapatientnextdoorandheardsomeoneinherewho soundedliketheywerestruggling.” “Ihaven’thad...afullpanicattack...inweeks.” “Itoldyounottostresssomuchaboutschool.”JonwavedKai’sstudyguide, whichhadfloatedtothefloorduringtheanxietyattack. Beforeeitherofthemcouldsayanythingelse,therewasaknockonthedoor, andDr.Johnsencamein.“Kai?Areyouallright?” Kainodded. “Don’tleavewithouttalkingtome,OK?”Jonsigned,lookingatKaiwith brotherlyconcern. Kaimanagedanod,hiseyestrackingJonasheleft. Dr.JtookKai’swrist,frownedashefeltKai’spulse.“Whathappened?” 45 Kaisighed.Losingcontrolofhimselflikethatwasbadenoughwhenhewas alone,butsomuchworseinpublic.Atleastithadhappenedintherelativeprivacyofthe examroominsteadofthewaitingroom,infrontofdozensofpeople.InfrontofMartin andhismother.“Panicattack.” Dr.JhadslippedapulseoximeteronKai’sfingerandwasobservinghim closely.“Dr.Millerbeenworkingoutforyou?” Kainodded. Dr.JremovedtheoximeterandhelpedKaisitup.“Youhaveanxietyattacks often?” “Notlately.Icanusuallystopthembeforetheygetoutofcontrol.ButI’vebeen reallystressedout.” “Becauseofschool?”Dr.JfeltKai’sneckandunderhisjawforswollenlymph nodes.“Ithoughtyoutoldmeyouweredroppingacoupleclasses?” “Idid.ButI’mfailinghistory.It’ssohardformetorememberthings.” Dr.Jpulledouthisstethoscope.“You’vespokentoyourprofessor,though,and youhaveatutor,right?” “Yeah,andIgetextratimeduringexams,butifIbombthemidterm,it’llbe almostimpossibleformetopasstheclass.” “I’msureyou’llbefine,Kai.”Dr.Jpressedtheheadofthestethoscopebetween hishandstowarmitup.“I’mprettysureyoucandoanythingyousetyourmindto.”Kai rolledhiseyes,butifDr.Jnoticed,hesaidnothing.“Slow,deepbreathsforme.” Dr.JlistenedtoKai’slungscarefullyforseveralminutes,movingthe stethoscopearoundKai’sback,askingKaitoholdhisbreathorbreathenormally,finally switchingtohischesttolistentohisheartbeforeslippingthebudsoutofhisearsand drapingthestethoscopearoundhisneck. “Jongaveyousomealbuteroljustnow?” Kainodded. “Ithelp?Whenyouhavetroublebreathingfromtheanxiety?” Kainoddedagain. Dr.Jsankdownintothechairatthedesk,scribblingsomenotes.“Andother thanthat,howhasyourbreathingbeen?” “Good.” “Youbeenmakingsuretocoughtwiceaday?” “Yeah.” “Doesitseemlikeyou’vebeencoughingupalot?” Kaishrugged.“Iguessalittlemorethannormal.” “Anythingnasty?” “Notreally.It’sallinmybook,”Kaisaid,pointing.Hewasexhausted.Maybe he’dliedowninJon’sofficeforawhilebeforegoinghome. Dr.JtookamomenttoreadthroughKai’snotebook,wherehetrackedhis oxygensaturation,hispeakflow,histemperature,andnotesabouthowhewasfeeling, includinganythingthatstoodout. Afterawhile,thedoctorlookedupatKai.“Evenwiththealbuterol,Iheard somecongestion.Yourtemperatureisnormal,andyou’vebeenfeelingfine?” Kainodded,buthefeltabitofhisanxietyreturning. “It’sallright,”Dr.Jsaid,asifsensingKai’stension.“I’mgoingtosendina nursetotakesomebloodandtrytogetasputumsample,thendoaquickchestx-ray.I’ll callyouifanyoftheresultspointtorejectionorinfection,butcallmefirstifyoudevelop 46 afever,startfeelingsick,orstartcoughingoutsideyourroutine.Keepaneyeonhow muchandwhatcoloryoursputumis,andletmeknowifitchanges.OK?” Kainodded. “Andyoushouldreallywearyourmedicalalertjewelry,Kai.Iknowitreminds youofbefore,butparamedicsneedtoknowyou’reimmunocompromised.Andthatway they’llhavemynumberifyougetbroughtinagain.Allright?” Again,Kainoddedreluctantly. “Andwearyourmaskinclass.Iknowit’snotcool,butitcouldsaveyourlife, OK?” Jonenteredhisofficeasquietlyashecould,slippingoutofhiswhitecoatandhangingit onthehookonthebackofhisdoor.KaiwasstretchedoutonJon’scouch,asleep,his feettwitching,butotherwiselookingpeaceful.Joncrossedtohisdesktocheckhisblood sugar,thoughhekeptaneyeonhisbrother.Asthetimestretched,Jonfinallysettlingin togetsomeworkdone,Kaibegantogrowmorerestlessinhissleep,hisspasmsmore powerful,moaningsubtly.Perhapshewashavinganightmare. Jonabandonedhisdeskandapproachedthecouch,hesitatingbeforesittingin Kai’swheelchair.Jonheldouthishandsbutdidn’ttouchKai,sincedoingsosometimes madehisbrother’spanicworsewhenhefinallywoke. “Kai,it’sallright.You’resafe.Wakeup.”IttookJonseveralminutesbeforeKai finallywokesuddenly,hiseyesspringingopen,breathinghard,obviouslyuncertainof wherehewas.“You’reinmyoffice.You’reOK.” Kaileanedback,droppinghishead,givinghisbodyachancetocalmdown. Afterafewminutes,helaidahandonhisrightthigh.“DidIspasmmuchinmysleep?” “Nottoobad.Howyoufeeling?” “Honestly?”Kaisaid,pushinghimselfupwithagrunt.“Exhausted.ButI’m supposedtodropbyLostAppletostudywithRenee.” “Ifyouwantmyprofessionalopinion,youshouldgohome,takesomeValium, andsleep.Ifyoupushyourselftoohard,you’reonlygoingtomakeitworse.Youwon’t dowellonthetestifyou’respasmingandtiredandanxious.” InsteadofheadingtoLostApple,Kaihaddetouredbacktohisapartment,debating givingintoJon’sadviceandtakingalong,drug-assistednap.EversinceHalloween, he’dbeenexhausted,achy,andifhewerehonestwithhimself,notfeelinghisbest.It waslikelystressoverthemidterm:hismusclespasmshadspikedoverthepastfewdays, ashadhisanxietyandnightmares.Theseusuallyinvolvedhimshowinguplateforthe test,orthequestionsbeingwritteninsomeunintelligiblescript.Prettytypicalstuff,but thefearandpanictheyfilledhimwithwerealmostasintenseasthedreamsthathad senthimtoDr.Millerinthefirstplace. Kaipushedintohisbedroom,tohisdresser.Eventhoughhe’dnappedinJon’s office,hisbodywasbeggingforrest.IfKaihadlearnedanythingoverthepasttwo months,itwasthathisbodydidn’tliketobepushedtoohard.Thathehadtolistentoit. Kaipulledonedraweropenfarenoughhecouldreachinandfishoutasmall boxthatrattledashetookitout.Shuttingthedraweragain,Kairemovedthebox’slid andexaminedthecontents,stainlesssteelglintinginthelight.HismedicalIDjewelry. Heextractedasmallbraceletfromthejumble,layingitononehand.Thelinkshadbeen cut,soitnolongerwasacompletecircle,butKaijoinedtheendsbyholdingthem, marvelingathowitbarelyencircledthreefingers.Hadhereallybeenthattinyonce? 47 Kaihadbeenwearingthatbraceletwhenhisparentsdied,andhe’dwornit untilhe’dgrownoutofitanditMs.Evansforciblycutitoff.Kaihadbeggedtokeepit, butshe’drefused.Theonlyphysicalremnantofhisoldlife,itslosshadbeen devastating,andKaihadwithdrawnwithinhimself,refusingtoeatorleavehisroomfor days.Ms.Evanshadbegunsomeseriousthreats—includingadreadednasogastric feedingtube—whenDavidwokeKaiupinthemiddleofthenightandpressed somethingintoKai’shand.David,knowinghowmuchitmeanttoKai,hadbrokeninto roomafterroomuntilhe’dfounditinMs.Evans’sdesk. Theengravingwaswornaway,becauseKaihadrubbedhisfingersalongit frequentlyovertheyears,usingitasakindoftalisman.Hestudieditnow,andhecould justbarelymakeouthisname,asitusedtobe:JosephK.Taylor.Itfeltlikeastranger. Withasigh,Kaisetitaside,removinganotherbraceletfromthebox.Thisone wasnewer,larger.Whathe’dwornbeforehistransplant,agiftfromBecca.Apainful reminderofher,andbefore,buthe’dnevermanagedtogetridofitorpackitaway.He extractedathirdbracelet,thisoneverydifferentfromtheothers,withaleatherband andadecorativeplate.New.A"yousurvived"giftfromJon,abelatedbirthdaypresent tocelebrateKaisurvivinghisfirstmonthpost-transplant.ButKaihadresistedwearing it;hisscarshecouldnevertakeoff,butthishecould. Oneitemremainedinthebox:hisfirst-transplant-anniversarygift,alsofrom Jon.Asetofdogtags,thecaduceussignalingwhattheywere,eachfullyengravedwith hiscurrentinfoandcontactnumbers."Ifyouwon’twearthebracelet,atleastwear these,"Jonhadinsisted.Kaisighed,pulledthechainoverhishead,staringathisimage alongwhileinthemirror.Maybehewasbeingimmature.Irresponsible.Afterall,Jon woreabraceletsothatifanythinghappenedtohim,paramedicswouldknowhewas insulin-dependent. Kaipalmedthetags,stillstudyinghisfaceinthemirror.He’dtextDavid,seeif hewasavailabletohelpKaistudy.Maybeifsomeonequizzedhiminsignandhe answeredbackinkind,thematerialwouldstickbetter.AndascomfortableasRenee couldmakehimfeel,hestillcouldn’tfullyrelaxaroundher,notyet.WithDavid,even thoughithadbeensolong,hedidn’thavetopretend. NotlongaftersendingDavidhisinitialmessage,hisphonebuzzed.Morning workfish.Nowyouneedwhat?(Whichmeant,inEnglish,non-text-speak,“Ionlyhad workinthemorning.Whatdoyouneed?”) Stdyuhlpme?Myapt? Fine.Txtmeyourlivewhere. Kaismiled.ItwaskindoffreeingnottohavetothinkinpureEnglish,even whenhewastexting.HehurriedlytextedhisaddressandthencalledReneetoexplain hewasgoingtotrytostudywithhisfriendinASLandthathe’dseeherinthemorning. Abouthalfanhourlater,Kaiheardunrelentingpoundingonthefrontdoor,andrushed toanswer.Davidstoodoutside,ashit-eatinggrinonhisface. “Somepeoplecouldhearthat,youknow.Thisiswhyyouwerealwaysgetting introubleatCH.” DavidjustgrinnedwiderandsqueezedaroundKaitoentertheapartment, slippingoutofhiscoatandtossingitonthenearestsurface. Kaisighed,shakinghishead.LookedlikeDavidhadn’tchanged. DavidwhirledaroundsoKaicouldseehim.“Niceapartment.” Kaishrugged.“It’smybrother’s;Ijustlivehere.” 48 Davidrolledhiseyes,thenbentdownforaquickhug.Whenhestoodbackup, hefrowned.“You’resuperstressed.Youlooklikeshit.” Kaijustshrugged,a“yeah,noshit,that’swhyyou’rehere,”expressiononhis face,butDavidhadalreadybeelinedforthekitchen;he’dalwayshadavoracious appetite,especiallyasateenager,andhislasttwoyearsatCH,heatehisownmealplus mostofKai’s,sincetheMexitilmadeKaitoonauseoustomanagemuch. Notsurprisingly,Davidwasdiggingaroundthefridgeandcabinetslookingfor sustenance.Hefinallyturnedaround,frustrated.Hedrewhishanddownintenselyfrom necktostomach.“I’mstarving.Don’tyouhaveanythingtoeataroundhere?” “Icancooksomethingreallyquick,butit’dbevegetarian.” DavidgapedatKai,repeatedthesignforVEGETABLE,thenONLYtomake surehe’dunderstood,hiseyebrowsraised.“Vegetarian?!” Kailaughed.“Idon’teatmeatanymorebecauseofmyMLS.Jondoesn’t either,notathome.” “You’rekillingme,”Davidsignedmelodramatically,actingoutslowlystarving todeathaftereatingonlyaseriesofvegetableslikecarrotsandcelery. Kaishookhishead,rolledbackwardtothedrawerwherehekeptthetakeout menus,pulledoutastack,andofferedthemtohim,signingone-handed.“Thenorder something.” Davidacceptedthemenus,butstaredatKai,hiseyebrowsraised.“You’vebeen inthehearingworldtoolong.” Kaiseemedtorealizehisfauxpauxandsighed.“Pickoutwhatyouwant,and I’llcall.Mytreat.” Afewminuteslater,DavidsatacrossfromKaiatthetable,eatingabowlofcerealtotide himselfover,watchinghisfriendplacetheirfoodorder.Itwasstrange,seeingKai’slips move;atCountyHouse,DavidcouldforgetKaiwashearingmostofthetime,especially sinceKaineverspokeunlessforcedtothelasttimeDavidhadseenhim. DavidcouldreadKai’slipsifhewanted,sinceheknew,moreorless,whatKai hadtobesaying,buttherewasnopoint,soheflippedthroughKai’shistorybook instead.Kaihadpost-itseverywhere,notesscribbledinKai’sslantingwriting.Mostly mnemonics,keypeopleanddates. Glancingup,DavidcouldseehowtiredandstressedKaiwas.Itwasstrange; Kaihadneverworriedmuchaboutschoolbefore. “Istillthinkit’sinsaneyouaskedmetohelpyoustudy.”Davidliftedhishand, palmflat,up,toindicategrowingup,thenpointedtoKai,thenrepeatedlysigned“A” againsthisleftpalm,whichsuggestedthegrade,saying,“YoualwaysgotallA’s.Me?” Hepointedtohimself.“FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.”Hisrighthand,palmup,indexandmiddle fingersup,slidingdownandoffhispalm-uplefthandrepeatedly. Kailaughed.“BecauseyouweretoobusyFLIRTFLIRTFLIRTingwithallthe girls.Orcausingtroublefortheteachers.” Davidshovedsomecerealinhismouth,signingsingle-handedly,“Ihada reputation.Besides,youwerealwayssmarterthanme.Ioweyouforhelpingme improvemyEnglish.” “YougotyourGED,gotintocollege,andgraduated.Notmanykidsfromthe systemmanagethat.Ican’tevenpasstwoclasses.” Kai’sfrustrationradiatedoffhimalmostlikeavisibleaura,makingDavid frown.Theycouldstartstudyingoncethefoodcame.Takingafewmorebitesofcereal, 49 DaviddecidedachangeinsubjectmightdoKaigood. “WhatareyourThanksgivingplans?” DavidobservedKai’sleftindexfingertappedhisthumbrapidlyoverandover andover,asiftryingtoreleasesomeofhisanxiety,andhiseyeswereunfocused,asifhis mindwaselsewhere. DavidwavedhishandtotrytogetKai’sattention,butthatdidn’twork,sohe triedtappingonthetable.Kai’sbreathinghadshifted,hischestmovingmorevisiblyand harshly,lostinhimself.Finally,DavidclappednearKai’sface. ThatfinallymadeKaijump,struggletocalmhimself,slow,deepbreaths.David offeredhishand,sayingnothing,andKaiaccepted.Kainevercomplained,becausethat’s whoKaiwas,buteversincehe’dreturnedtoCountyHouseafterhisbriefstintwiththe womanclaimingtobehisaunt,Kaihadn’tbeenthesame.Apparently,theiryearsapart hadn’tchangedKai’soccasionalboutswithanxiety. WithoutlettinggoofKai’shand,Davidcontinuedwithhisother,“You’re stressedbecauseyour‘studypartner’isyourgirlfriend.Ibetyour‘studyingsessions’ lookedlikethis,”Davidsaidashepretendedtomakeoutwithhimself. KaimanagedalaughandDavidcouldfeelKai’sgriponhishandrelaxinga little.“She’samazing,”Kaisigned,takinghishandback.“Ican’twaitforyoutomeet her.” “Ifshefallsinlovewithmeinstead,don’tblameme.It’shardforawomanto resistthis,”Davidsignedwithahuge,sillygrin,indicatinghimself. Kailaughedlongernow,someofthetensiongoingoutofhisshoulders,to David’srelief. “Really.Whatareyoudoingfortheholiday?” DavidwatchedKai’schestexpandashetookadeepbreath.“Jon’sgirlfriend wantsmetojointhematherfamily’s,but...that’sjustweird.ButJonwon’tgo withoutme...”Kaishrugged,reachedforhisbook,butDavidplantedhisarmsfirmly onituntilKaigaveup,glaringathim. “Cometomyhouse.” “Yousure?Idon’twanttobeathirdwheel.” DavidgapedatKai.“Kai,”hesaid,usinghispersonalnamesignforKai,a modificationofthesignforbrother.“You’remybrother,”Davidsaid,pointingtohis foreheadbeforefinishingthesign,a“duh”lookonhisface.“Besides,Meganhasathing forstrays,soyouwon’tbetheonlyonetherebesidesus.”DavidindicatedMegan’s affinityforthosewithoutfamiliestospendtheholidaywithbyfirstsigningMYHOUSE, thenusingaclassifierfora“person”(thehandshapefor“D,”indexfingerstandingup) withhislefthand,movingitaroundinfrontofhiminasemicircle,whileheusedhis righthandto“pluck”theminthesignforpick/findtowardthespacewherehe’ddrawn hishouseearlier,asifshewereliterallypluckingstraysupandputtingthemintheir house. ThismadeKaichucklefaintly.“Allright.I’lltellJonhecangotohis girlfriend’sfamily,then.She’llbeelated.”Hefrowned.“WillIbeabletofitinyour house?”Hetappedhiswheels. David’sfaceshifted.“Youreallycan’twalkanymore?” Kaisighedheavily.“Abouttwomonthsago,Ihadareally,reallybadMLS attack,andIhurtmylegsprettybadly.Ihaveanappointmentintwoweekswithmy doctor,butIwon’tknowifIcanwalkoutsidePTuntilthen.Evenifheclearsme,I mightpreferthechairanywayifthere’siceorsnow.Plus,itmakessigningeasier,”Kai 50 finishedwithafaintsmile. Davidconsideredthisforamoment.Therewasasinglestepleadinguptothe frontentrance,buthewasn’tsureaboutthedoorwidths.He’dhavetoaskKaior measure.Hishousewasasinglestory,atleast.ButKaiwouldneverfitintheguest bathroom,thoughwithafewminorchanges,he’dbefineinthemasterbath.“I’llmake itwork.Ipromise.” Kai’sheadjerkedupsuddenly,lookingoverDavid’sshoulder.“Thefood’s here.”Hestartedtoreachforthemoneyhesetout,butDavidwavedhimoff,signaling he’dgetit. Davidjoggedtothedoor,pullingitopen.Atypicaldeliveryguystoodthere, bundledupagainstthecold,holdinganinsulatedcasewiththeirfood. Theguybegantotalk,andDavidcaught“Sorry”and“Yourorder”beforethe mandippedhishead,makingitimpossibleforDavidtokeepreadinghislips.Damn hearies.Wasitreallysohardtomaintaineyecontact? Davidtriedtogettheguy’sattention,butfailed,sohefinallywhackedhishand onthetopofthecase,makingtheguyjump.Davidhadtoforcehissmileaway.He pointedtohisearandshookhishead,mouthing,Deaf. Theguy’seyesandmouthwidened,andDavidcaughtmoreapologiesandthe restwastoomumbled—theman’slipsnotmovingenoughforhimtocatchwhathesaid —asheacceptedthemoneyandquicklyhandedoverthefood. Davidsighed,kickingthedoorshutbehindhimashebroughtthefoodtothe kitchen.Oncehishandswerefree,heaskedKai,“Didyouhearanythingtheguysaid?” Kaishookhishead.“AllIcouldhearisthewind.Isitreallynastyoutthere?” Davidnodded.“Smellslikesnow,butIdon’tthinkit’sintheforecasttillthis weekend.Let’seat,thenwe’llfindouthowlittleIrememberofworldhistory.” AfewhourslaterandDavidhadmanagedtodevournearlyallofthemassivequantityof foodhe’dordered,andKaiwasfeelingabitbetteraboutthetest. “Howareyounotstillskinny?”Davidasked,holdingupthepinkyfingerof hislefthandwhileheslidhisthumbandindexofhisrightupit,hislipspursedto emphasizeextremelythin.“Yourappetitehasn’timprovedmuch.” Kaishrugged.“IknowexactlyhowmanycaloriesIneedtoeat,andImake sureIgetthose,butunlessit’ssweet,Ilookatfoodlikemymeds.Ineedit,butIdon’t liketakingit.” Daviddrewhishand,threecentralfingersstandingupinthe“W”handshape, slightlybent,acrosshisface.“Weirdo.Anyway,Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout withyourmemory.Itseemsfine,andyouknowthematerialprettywell.” Kaishrugged.“That’sonereasonIinvitedyouover.It’smoreofaproblemfor meinEnglish,”Kai’srighthandslappedhardonhisleftwristashesigned“English.” “Maybeafteralltheseyearsmybrainstillhastoworkhardertoprocessitor something.” “Englishsucks,butit’safactoflife.So.Tellmeaboutthisgirlofyours. Renee?” Kaisighed.“She’samazing.Beautiful,patient,smart,andcrazyaboutme, whichprobablymakesherinsane.” Davidlaughed.“Hearing?” Kainodded.“Butshewantstolearntosign.Forme.” “Nice.” 51 Kaiheardthefrontdoorunlocking,andamomentlater,Jonemerged,rubbing hishandoverhishair.“Brr.It’sreallycomingdownoutthere.Mightbeiceinthe morning.” KaiinterpretedforDavid’ssake,thensim-commed,“You’rehomeearly.” “Justforafewhours.”Jonstrippedoffhiswetcoatandmadehiswayintothe apartment.“Oh.Thetransplantcommitteefinallycavedandnotifiedmetodaythey’ll reconvene,perhapsnextweek.Theyhaven’tsetadateyet.”JonfinallynoticedDavid. HetookareflexivestepbackinsurprisewhenDavidshiftedsohecouldseeJontoo. “Jon,thisismyfriendDavid,”Kaisaid,fingerspellingDavid’snameandthen givinghisstandardnamesign,Red.“Wegrewuptogether.”Kaihesitated,thenadded, “HewasmyCHroommate.” “Oh,”Jonsaid,nodding,surprised.“Nicetomeetyou.” “Myfiancéeisyourtutor.” KaiobservedhisbrotherwatchingDavid’ssignswithintenseconcentration, obviouslyusedtosigningonlywithKaiandMegan.Hemimickedthesignfor“fiancée,” askingwhatthatmeant. Davidpatientlyfingerspelledtheword,slowingdownforJon’ssake. “Oh!Megan,”Jonsaid,gettingitnow,signingMegan’snamesign,avariation ofsunshine. Davidnodded,smiling.“Itwasnicemeetingyou,butIshouldgobeforethe weathergetsworse.Textmelater,”DavidsaidtoKaibeforeleaningdownforahug. “Thanksforthefood.I’llletmyselfout.”Davidwavedtothemboth,shookJon’shand, thenheadedforthedoor. JonsankdownacrossfromKaiafterlockingthedoorbehindDavid.“Howare youfeeling?” Honestly,Kai’schestfeltalittletight,butitwastimeforhimtocoughandtake hismeds,sothatwasprobablyit.Buthisanxietyhadfadedsomewhat.Ithadbeennice, hangingoutwithDavid,pickingupalmostasifsixyearshadn’tpassed.“Better.Ithink I’mgoingtodomyroutine,takesomeValium,andgotosleepearly.Davidatemostof it,buttheremightbesomefoodleftifyouhaven’teaten.” “Good.Iworryaboutyou,youknow.” Kaismiledfaintly.“Iknow.DavidinvitedmetospendThanksgivingwithhim andMegan.It’sDeafiestraydinner,apparently,soyoucangotoVicky’sguilt-free.” Jongroaned,slippingbackintoEnglish.“Iwaskindofhopingyou’dgo.She hassevenbrothersandsisters,Kai.Andthey’reallmarriedwithkids.Maybeit’stoo soonformetothrowmyselfintheviperpit.Imean,we’veonlybeendatingtechnicallya couplemonths.” “Butyou’vebeeninlovewitheachotherforyears.Ifitgetsbad,sneakmea textandI’llcallyou.Youcanfeignahospitalemergency.Youareoncall,aren’tyou?” Jongrinned.“Thanks.Getsomesleep.I’llbeupawhileifyouneedanything, workingonmypresentationforthecommitteebeforeheadingbacktothehospital.” Kaihadstartedtowheelawaybutpaused,madeaslowturn.“ImetMartinin thewaitingroomtoday.Ihopeyoucanchangetheirminds.Heseemslikeasweetkid.” Jonsighedheavily.“Heis.” Kaihadcoughedhimselfforseveralminutes,andhestilldidn’tfeelright.Whathe’d managedtocoughupwasclear,butextremelythick,bigplugsofmucuslikehehadn’t hadsincebeforehistransplant,anditworriedhim.Especiallysincehecouldn’tsomuch 52 feelassensehehadmorecongestionthatwouldn’tcomeup.Andthoughhispeakflow numbersweredecent,hisPO2wasslightlylowerthannormal.Nothingalarming,but enoughthat,incontext,itwasconcerning. Kaisatinhisbathroomforseveralminutes,staringathislittlenotebook,trying todecidewhattodo.Histemperaturewasnormal,buthedefinitelydidn’tfeelnormal. Hecouldtrysomealbuterolandhopethatwouldopenhimupmoreforasecond coughing.HecouldaskJontopoundhisbackandseeifthatwouldhelploosenanything up.Butofcourse,tellingJonthatanythingmightbewrongwouldopenawholemessof worrythatKaireallydidn’twanttoinvite. Kaiclosedhiseyesandlistenedtohisbody,focusingonwhathecouldhearand feel.Asubtle,quietwheezewitheveryexhalation,avagueheavinessinhischesthe couldn’tlocalize,andadizzyexhaustion,liketheveryairintheroomwereweighinghim down. Finally,heopenedhiseyesagain,staringathisimageinthemirrorbriefly.He lookedaspaleandtiredashefelt.He’dtryplanA,alongwithplentyofsleep,andhope itwasjustthestressofhismidtermgettingtohim. 53 November3,2000 Kai’seyesopenedblearily.Hewasvaguelyawarethathisalarmwasblaring,andhe suspectedithadbeensoundingforsometime,yethecouldn’tfindtheenergytoreach overandshutitoff.Therewasnowayitcouldbemorningalready.Hefeltweighed down,wornoutasifhehadn’tsleptatall.Disconcertinglythewayhefeltafteranattack. Tomakethingsworse,breathingtookmoreeffortthanitshould. Kaimusthavedriftedbackintosleep,becausehewokewithajolt,surprisedto findJonsittingontheedgeofhisbed,lookingworried.Kai’salarmhadbeensilenced, andJonhadhishandpressedagainstKai’sforehead. “Youralarmhadbeengoingoffforthirtyminutes,soIcameintocheckonyou. Youdon’tlookgood.” “I’mfine,”Kaiinsisted,pushinghimselfup.“Justtired.” JonlookedatKai,clearlynotbuyingit.HehandedKaithethermometer.“Take yourtemperature,atleast.” Kaisnatchedthethermometerfromhisbrotherandshoveditinhismouth, holdingitexpertlyunderhistongueasheusedhishandstoshifthisbody,sittingup straighter. “Letmelistentoyourlungs,”Jonaskedashereacheduptohelpkeepthe thermometerinplace.Kaiglaredathim,butJonignoredhim. Kaiadjustedhisweight,supportinghimselfwithonehand,freeinguphisother tosign,“No.IsawDr.Jyesterday.I’mfine.”Thethermometerbeeped,andJon immediatelycheckedit,seemingsurprisedbyitsreading. “Normal.” “See.Fine.Now,ifyoudon’tmind,Ihaveamidtermlatertoday,so...”Kai madeashooinggesture. Jonfrowned.“Allright.Goodluckonyourtest.Dresswarmly.Andcoveryour mouth.I’mworkinglatetonight,butcallmeifyouneedto.” Anhourlater,Kaihadtakenhismeds,showered,andcoughed,andthoughhefelta littlebetter,he’dgottenevenmoregunkoutthanthenightbefore.Andlikethenight before,hesensedaheavinesssuggestingmorelurkedinthedepthsofhislungs.Worse, whathemanagedtocoughupwasthickandincrediblysticky. Kaihesitated,thenpulledupDr.J’snumberonhisphoneanddialed.He’d expectedtoleaveamessage,butatthelastmoment,thedoctoranswered. “Dr.Johnsen.” “It’sKai.” “Kai?Idon’thaveallyourresultsyet.YoufeelingOK?” Kaitookinabreath,whichhitched.Thenheexplainedhisconcerns,hopinghe wasjustparanoid. Whenhefinished,Dr.Jwassilentalongwhile.“AndyourPO2hasbeen down?” Kaisighed.“Yeah,afewpoints.” “I’mgoingtocalldownascriptforamphigarol.lwantyoutostarttakingit again.It’sworthatry.” “SoI’mnotbeingparanoid.It’sstartedalready.I’mgoingtogetsickagain.” 54 “Wedon’tknowthat,Kai.I’mjustbeingcautious.Comeseemeafteryou’ve beentakingtheamphigarolforacoupleweeks,unlessanythingchangesbeforethen. Nebulizetwiceadaywiththealbuteroltohelpyouclearthemucusifyouneedto.” Thatafternoon,ReneewaswaitingforKaiwithasteamingto-gocupwhenhefinally emergedfromthestudyroomwherehetookhistests.Shewassmilingathim,looking beautifulasalways,eventhoughsheworeabaggysweatshirt,herfacemakeup-free,and herhairpulledbackintoafrizzyponytail. Heknewhehadtolooktired,becausehewasexhausted,anddespiteDr.J’s assurances,feltaboutasgoodashehadwhenhe’dwokenupthatmorning.Itdidn’t helpthathislegshadspasmedallthroughthetest,hisanxietyjustbelowthesurface, barelykeptincheckbythehydroxyzineandsheerwill. ButReneerushedupandkissedhimquicklyandsweetly,offeringhimthe drink.“Hotmilkwithlotsofsugar.Iheardthroughthegrapevineitwasyourfavorite.” Kaiacceptedthedrinkwithasweet,gratefulsmile,takingahesitantsipbefore securingitbetweenhislegsandpushingoutofthetutoringoffices.“Thanks,Re,”he said,afterthey’dgoneawhileinsilence. “Didthetestgoallright?”Reneeaskedfinally,astheywanderedthroughthe studentcenter,asifshe’dsenseditwasfinallysafe. Kailedhertoaloungearea,agroupofcouchesandtablesforstudentsto gather.Kaiparkedsohewasn’tblockingthroughtrafficandgesturedforReneetosit. Hesippedthehotdrinkslowly,whichhelpedsettlehisgrumpystomachandeasedthe tightnessinhischestsome. “Idon’tthinkIfailed,sothat’ssomething,”Kaisaid,forcingasmile. ReneecurledupontheseatclosesttoKai,wrappingherarmsaroundoneof his,layingherheadonhisshoulder.“Iknowyoudidwell,”Reneesaid,squeezinghis arm.Kaicaughttheconfident“know”andappreciatedhernotdiggingformore.He didn’twanttothinkabouthistorythisweekend.“Let’sdosomething.” Kaifinishedhismilkandleanedforwardtosethisdrinkaside.Reneewas snuggledupbesidehim,clearlynotcaringwhosawthemtogether,wheelchairandall. ShewasjusthappytobecuddlingwithherboyfriendonaFridayafternoon.Itwasn’t tooearlytothinkReneethoughtofhimthatway?Didsheevenwanttothinkofhim thatway?Orwouldhisnoveltyfadeandshedecidehewastoomuchtroubletobother with?EspeciallyonceshelearnedhisMLSwasonlypartofthepackage? Asthehydroxyzineworeoff,alltheanxietybegantopourillogicallyoutintohis increasinglyerraticthoughts. “Kai.”HefeltRenee’shandsgrippinghiswrists.Whenhadhecoveredhisface withthem?Andwhenhadhisbreathingbecomeharsher?“Kai,”shesaidagain, managingtospeakfirmly,yetsoothinglyatthesametime,“thetestisover.Stop thinkingaboutitandtellmewhatwe’regoingtodotonight.” “Likewhat?”Heaskedinhisbestnonchalantvoice.Hetriedtotakeslow,even breaths,hatinghowhisbodygotawayfromhim,howitmadehimfeelthreatenedeven whenhekneweverythingwasperfectlyfine.Afterall,therewerefarbiggerproblemsin theworldthanahistorytest,orwhetherornotheandReneewouldlastthesemester. Andafewdaysofbadcoughingdidn’tmeanhewasn’tcured.KaicouldalmosthearDr. Miller’svoice,You’rediscountingyourfeelingsagain.Hesighed.Maybeithadbeentoo soontodropdowntoseeingheronlyonceaweek,asmuchashehatedtoadmitit. “Idon’tknow...”ReneesqueezedKai’shands,kissedhisknuckles,glancedup 55 athimwithasmile.Itwasan,“I’vegotcha,”momentwithoutbeingfussy.Justwhathe needed.“WhatwouldyoudotonightifIwasn’taround?” Kaibreatheddeeply,thentookbackhishandssohecouldusethemtoshifthis weightinhischair.Hefelthimselfcomingdownabitfromtheanxiety,thoughitstill hummedinhischest.“Honestly?” Reneenodded,acceptedachastekiss. Kaiclungtoheramomentbeforereleasingheragain.“It’snotveryexciting, butI’dprobablygohomeandsleep.”Hesmiledtiredly. “Didyoustayuplatestudying?” Kaistartedtosayno,butrealizedthatmightleavehimopenfortellingher abouthisanxietyorhis“asthma”—neitherofwhichhewantedtodowhileexhausted anddesperateforanotherdoseofhydroxyzine,whileinthemiddleofthestudent center.Instead,hesaid,“Whydon’tyoucomebacktomyplacewithme;I’llmakea quickdinnerandwecanwatchamovieorsomething?” ReneestoodbehindKaiashepeeredintocabinets.She’dnoticedhisstressandtension hadlingeredevenaftertheexamwasover,andthoughshe’dtriedtodistracthimwith herkissandtouch,he’dbeendistant.She’ddiscoveredKaioftenwithdrew,likeaturtle intoitsshell,buttoprotecthimselffromwhatshewasn’tcertain.Shejusthadtobe patientandwaitforthosegloriousmoments,likeonHalloween,whenhiscurtainhad comedownandhe’dbeendelightfullysillyandsweetandwonderful. “Well,IguesswiththemidtermIgotalittledistractedanddidn’tgotothe grocerystore.ButIcangetcreative,ifyoudon’tmindvegetarian.” “Mymawmawtoldmenevertocomplainwhensomeoneelseisdoingthe cooking,”Reneesaid,acceptingcansashepulledthemoutofthepantry.Chickpeas, tomatosauce,crushedtomatoes. “Canyoucheckthefreezerforspinach?”Kaiaskedashepushedacrossthe kitchen,leaningforwardtosnagabowlofonionsandpullingoneout. Reneesetthecansonthecounterandgrabbedapackageoffrozenspinach. “CanIhelpwithanythingelse?PreferablysomethingthatwillensureIdon’tburndown theapartmentcomplex?” Kailaughed.“Youknowhowtochoponions?Ihavetodoitonthetable,soif youcouldhelpwiththat,it’dbegreat.”Hesettheoniononthecounter,thenpulledout acuttingboardandaknife,settingthemasideaswell. “IthinkIcanhandlethat.”ReneestartedpeelingandchoppingwhileKai bustledaround,takingoutcookware. “Uh,doyouwantmetomakericeorpastaorsomething?Idon’tusually bother,becauseit’stoomuchcarbsforJonandIdon’treallycareeitherway,butIcan, ifyouwant.”Kaisetoutapotandaskillet,thensnaggedatowelandthecanopenerto startopeningthefood. “Idon’tevenknowwhatyou’remaking.” “Uh,”Kaisaid,stretchingtodrainthechickpeasinthesink,“something Italian-y.” Reneelaughed,relievedtoseeKaijokingaround.“OK.Youdoknowhowto cook,right?You’renotjusttryingtoimpressme?” “Hmm,”Kaisaid,dumpingthechickpeasintoapot,thenstretchingagaintofill itwithsomewater.Shenoticedtheunmodifiedkitchenmadethingsawkwardforhim, butlikeeverythinghedid,he’dfiguredouthisownwaytodothings,workingas 56 seamlesslyaspossibleunderthecircumstances.“Guessyou’llhavetofindout.”He winked,setthepotonthestove,andturnediton.“Chickpeastakeforever.This’llsoften themupwhilewecooktheonions.” “They’reready,”sheannounced.“ShouldIputtheminabowlorsomething?” “Nah,justbringthemoverwhenIsay,”Kaisaidashesettheskillettoheat. “Canyoucookthespinach?Putitinabowlandzapitinthemicrowavethreeminutes. Wejustwanttogetitdefrosted.I’llfinishcookingitinthepan.” Reneeobeyed;itfeltnice,cookingtogether,andshenoticedhe’dcontinuedto relaxashefocusedonpreppingdinner,theexamseeminglyforgotten.Itwasn’tthe mostexcitingwaytospendaFridaynight,butshewouldn’ttradeitforanything. Especiallyifitmeantshe’dseehimsmiling.Notoneofhisfakedorforcedgrins,butone ofhisbeautiful,lopsided,genuinesmilesshelovedseeingsomuch. “Theonions?” SheheardthesizzleofhotoilandvaguelygottheimpressionKaihadaskedher morethanonce.“Oh,coming!”Shecarriedthecuttingboardoverandwatchedashe slidtheonionsintothepanwithaspatula. ReneestoodbyasKaibrownedtheonions,thendrainedthechickpeasand addedthespices,tomatoes,andsauce,coveringitandlettingitsimmerforafew minutes.Itcouldhavebeenthefactthatshewashungry,butitsmelleddelicious.“So.. .IgrewuphelpingagrandmotherwhocooksbetterthananyoneI’veevermet,andI stillcanbarelymaketoast.Whotaughtyou?” Kaipointedtohimself.“Itwassomethingtodoafter...”Kaihesitated.“...I gotoutofCountyHouse,”Kaifinished,asifhewerespeakingaboutprison.“IfoundI likedit.” “Well,Ithinkit’sprettysexy,”Reneesaid. Kailaughed,liftedthelidtocheckthesauce.“Ithinkwe’rereadyforthe spinach,ifyou’llbringitover.” “Plus,I’llnevergohungryaslongasI’mwithyou.” Thatreallymadehimlaughastheyaddedthefinalingredienttogether.Their eyesmet,andKaismiledoneofhisrelaxedgrinsbeforelookingawaytostirinthe spinach.“Letthatheatupabit,”hesaid,coveringitandsettingthespatulaaside. “So,teachmesomesigns,”Reneesaid,figuringshe’dmakeuseofhertime. She’dgottensomebooksoutofthelibrary,buthavingKaiteachherworkedsomuch betterthantryingtointerpretadrawinginabook. “Cook,”Kaidemonstrated,speakingtheEnglishwordashedidthesign. Reneeattemptedtoimitate:righthandontopofleft,thenflippeduntilit returnedbacktorest. “Music,”Kaisaidandsigned,confusingReneeinitiallyuntilsherealizeditwas similar,thoughitlookedmorelikewavingthefingersofhisrighthandalonghisleft forearm.“Somepeopledothosesignsalmostidentically,so,remember,context.”He repeatedthesign,thistimeonhishand,andshecouldseehowthetwocouldbe confused. Shenodded,repeatedthemboth. “Eat.”Kaitappedhisclosedrighthand,fingersstraight,onhislips.“That meansfood,too.” Reneetappedherleftwrist,thenbroughtherhandtoherlips,makingsureto archherbrows.Kaididn’trespondimmediately,andshebegantodeflate,thinkingshe’d doneitwrong. 57 Butashysmiletwisteditswayontohisface,andheofferedaslightnod,then signedusingalotofpointingandtheoutlineofsomethingintheair.Abowl?Shecaught himrepeatingTIMEandEAT,butshewasafraidshehadtoadmitshe’dlosthim. Sheshookherhead,flickingupherrightindexfinger,indicatingshedidn’t understand. Helaughed.“Iwasaskingyoutogrababowl,”hesaid,awkwardlytryingto matchtheASLtotheEnglishforhersake,thoughitwasclearitdidn’tmatchupvery well.“InASL,youalwayshavetoidentifywhoyou’retalkingaboutfirst.SoIhaveto identifyyou,andthewhereandwhatIwantyoutoget,thentellyoutobringittome. Wecangointothatmorelater.Let’seat.” Afewminuteslater,theyweresittingdiagonallyfromeachotheratthetable,partaking ofKai’screation.“Wow,this...isreallygood.”ReneeusedthesignforGOOD, emphasizingitinthewayshesignedandinherface;she’dnoticedKai’seyesalwayslita littlemoreforherwhenshewassigning,andshelovedtoseethatsparkle. Kaichuckled,pickedathisfood,asalways,andforcedhimselftotakeafew bites.“Chickpeashaveaprettymeatyflavor,butaddingsomeWorcestershiresauce helps.”Heshrugged.“Iknowit’stechnicallynotavegetarianingredient,butIfigurea littleanchovywon’tkillme.” Reneesmiled.“Idon’tthinkI’veeverhadaguycookmedinnerwhowasn’t relatedtome.” Kaishruggedagain,tookafewmorereluctantbites.“I’mgladyoulikeit.” Theyateinsilenceforafewminutes,Reneeunabletoignorehowevenameal hecookedhimselfKaiapproachedlikeanobligationhewishedhecouldgetoutof. Finally,Reneefelthercuriositybubbleup,unabletocontainitanylonger.She attemptedtosignit,hopingshewouldn’tflubittoobadandhemightbemorereceptive. “Whydoyouhateeatingsomuch?Evenwhenyoucookityourself?” Kaiwatchedhersigning,smilingfaintly;apparentlyshe’dmadeherselfclear enough.Heglanceddownathishalf-eatenbowlandshruggedagain.“Woulditsurprise youifIsaidthat’snotasimpleanswer?”heresponded,sim-commingforhersake.She noticedhereachedoverforasugarshaker,likethekindyoufoundindiners,and sprinkledsomeontohisfoodthewaysomeonemightaddparmesan,mixingitup. Sheshookherhead.“Notatall.I’mbeginningtothinkyourentirelifeconsists ofanswersyoucangivewithashrug,headshake,ornod,orthatwouldrivalthegreatest worksofliteratureforcomplexityandlength.” Thatmadehimsmile,leanback.Nod. Shelaughed,pointedtothesugar.“Isitbecauseyouhavereallyweirdtastes andIwouldn’teatitifyouhadcookeditthewayyoulikedit?” Kai’seyebrowsfurrowed,andhetiltedhisheadasheforcedanothercouple mouthfuls.Hisactionsweresomeasured,likeachildcountinghisbitesbeforehis motherwouldgivehimpermissiontoleavethetable.Butthen,maybeheactuallywas doingthat:musteattwentybitestoday,Reneethoughtwithamusement. Finally,aftermullingitover,heresponded,“IeatbecauseIhaveto,”and punctuateditwithashrug.Hedrummedthefingersofhislefthand,hisgazegoing distant.She’deitherlosthimagain,orhewascalculatingwhattosaynext.Finally,he said,hisvoicestrangelymeek,“Re,rememberItoldyoutherewasmorethanthechair?” Shenodded,tryingtosuppressherconfusion.WasKaiactuallygoingto volunteerinformationwithoutherneedingtoextractitslowlyandpainfullylikea 58 stubborntooth? “I...”Kaiseemedtobestrugglingastohowtoproceed,andhetookanother couplebitesofhismeal.“Iwanttobehonestwithyouaboutmyself,”hesaid,shiftingto ASL,asifthatmadeiteasierforhimtogethispointacross.“WhyI’m22-years-oldand startingcollege.Whyrememberingishard.”Heusedlistingwhenhesigned,pointing toeachofhisfirsttwofingersbeforeexplainingeach,slowanddeliberate,choosinghis signscarefullytoensuresheunderstood.Kaihadexplainedlistingwasanimportant elementofASL,andsincehe’dtoldherthat,she’dobservedhowitleakedintohis English:firstly,second.... Reneenodded,waitingforhimtocontinue. Kai’sfingersflutteredintheairinfrontofhim,asifheweretryingtodecide howtoproceed.Severalquietmomentspassed,Kai’seyesshut,likelydebatinginwardly howtotellherwhateveritwashewasgoingtoexplain.Butthenhedroppedhishands, rubbedhischest,hiseyebrowsfurrowing.Hetookafewbreathsthatlookedeffortful. “Kai?” “I’ll....Excusemeaminute,”hesaidsuddenly,pushingawayfromthetable, disappearingbeforeReneecouldsayanythingelse. Confused,Reneesatatthetable,finishingherfoodbeforefinallydecidingto makeherselfusefulbyclearingtheirdishes.She’dgatheredmostofthemwhenshe suddenlyheardKaicoughing.Hard,almostlikehewerechokingonsomething.She abandonedtheplatesandrushedtohisdoor,pressingherearagainstit. “Kai?AreyouOK?” Nothingbutmoreharshcoughing,soherhandwenttohisdoorknob,readyto turnit.Buttheyweren’tatapointintheirrelationshipwhereshecouldjustburstinto hisbedroomuninvited,soshewaitedamomentmore,herearspeeled. “I’mfine.Berightout.” Hisvoiceseemedstrange,forced,breathy,butmaybehe’djusthadsomething godownthewrongpipe.Shelistenedawhilelonger,heardhimcoughafewmoretimes, butforcedherselftoresumehertaskofcleaningup.Shewasinthekitchen,almost finishedwiththedisheswhensheheardtheminorcreakofhischairasherolledin.He lookedevenmoretiredthanbefore,hischestandshouldersworkingalittleharderthan theyshould.Wasithisasthma?Maybehisdistance,tension,she’dseenearlierhadbeen tiedtohisbreathingratherthanworryoverthetest?Wasthatmaybewhathe’dwanted totellheraboutbeforehe’drushedintohisbedroom?Buthowdidthattieintohislate startatcollegeorhismemoryissues? Shewaitedforanexplanation,buthedidn’tofferone,andshedecidednotto presshimnow.Ifhewasn’ttellingheranythingvoluntarily,shewouldn’tgetmuchfrom pokinghim.She’dlearnedthatmuchaboutKai,anyway. Astheymovedtogetherinsilencearoundthesmallkitchen,puttingthe leftoversaway,shecouldhearasubtle,audiblewheezeinhisbreath. WouldbeingwithKaialwaysbethisway?Likeexploringavastbuildingfilled withsealedrooms,prayingshe’dfindafractionofthemunlockedandopentoher? Theplayful,relativelyforthcomingmanofHalloweennighthadmorphedback intothisquiet,reserved,pensiveversionofhimself,likethedarksideofthemoon, distant,shadowed,hidden. “IguessIshouldgo.” “What?”hesaidsuddenly,asifherwordshadsnappedhimoutofatrance. “No.Stay.I’msorry.”Heofferedasmile,which,thoughtired,appearedgenuine.He 59 signedandspoke,eyebrowsraised,“DoyoulikeOreos?”Abitofthechildshe’d glimpsedafewdaysagopiercedhisouterbarricades,ashepulledapackageofholiday cookiesfromoneofthelowercabinets.“IatetheHalloweenones.They’vealready movedontoChristmas.I’llshare.”Heheldupthepackage,adornedwithaSantaand snowflakes,depictingthefestivelydyedcookiecenters.Helookedatherwithpuppy eyes,andshecouldn’tresistasmile. “Milk?” “Youdon’tneedmilkforOreos,hesaid,layingthepackageinhislap,“butI’ll pouryousomeifyouwant.” “Let’seatthemonthecouch?” Hebrightenedfurther,followingher. Shecurledupmuchasshehadtheweekbefore,whenhe’dbroughtherback hereafterPT,acceptingthecookiesashetransferred,heavinghisbodyoverontothe cushions,usinghishandstohelpeasehimselfclosertoher. Hesmiled,pluckedthepackageoutofherlapandtoreitopen,snaggingafew Oreos,offeringherhispalmforhertotakewhatshewanted. Sheacceptedacouple,watchinghimwithafaintsmile.Heseemedtobefeeling better—maybehe’dtakensomemedicineinhisbedroom—ashiseyessparkled. “Areyouacookie-orfilling-firstOreoeater?”sheasked. “Filling,”hesaid,twistingseveralopenandusinghisteethtoscrapethered andgreenfrostingoff. Shelaughedasheatethefillingoutofhalfadozenbeforemunchingonthe cookies. “IcaneatawholepackageinonesittingifI’mnotcareful,”headmittedwitha slightblush. “Sosweetsareneverachoretoeat,”Reneesaidwithawink. Kaishrugged.“Dessertisdifferent,”herespondedinhisusualcrypticmanner. Helickedafewmorecookies,histonguesearchingforanyremainingfrosting.ThenKai seemedtorealizewhathewasdoing,blushed,andhurriedlypoppedthecookieinhis mouth. Reneeshookherhead,smiled,andtwistedopenhers,alsoeatingthefrosting first.Heseemedtoapprove. Theysharedabouthalfthepackage,Kaieatingmostofthem,whenheyawned, stretched,andsettheOreosaside.Hepushedhisbodyforwardintheseat,usinghis hands,thenadjustedhislegs,stretchingthemout,reclining,hisheadonthebackofthe couch. Shetookhiscueandsnuggleddownbesidehim. “D’youhaveabigfamily?”heaskedlazily. Hisquestioncaughtheroffguard,butmaybethefestivecookieshadgotten himthinkingofChristmasandfamily.Whateveritwas,itmeantmaybehewasrelaxing again,willingtotalkaboutmorethancookiesandsuperficialthings. “Yeah.Mymawmawwasoneof13,andmypawpawhadeightbrothersand sisters.There’salotofus.” Heheldherclose,andwithherearonhischest,shecouldhearafaintgurgle witheachbreath,likehehadthebeginningsofachestcold. “Didyoudreamofhavingabigfamily?” Kaichuckledfaintly.“Everyorphanimagineswhathavingafamilyislikeat leastonce.Comeswiththeterritory.”Heyawned.“Mostly,Ijustwishedformybrother 60 back.” “Youtwowereclose?” “Mmm.He’seightyearsolder,sohetookcareofme.Idon’treallyremember myparents,butIrememberJon.”Kaiyawnedagain.“Iusedtoimagineandhopehe’d comeforme,butlikeakidgrowingoutoffaithinSantaClaus,Ifiguredoutbelievingin somethingthatwouldneverhappenwasonlyarecipefordisappointment.” “Kai—” Kaihalflaughed,halfyawned,thenspokeslowly,sleepily,“Ironically,hedid comeforme.RightbeforeIagedout.Savedme.” ReneewantedtoaskwhatKaimeant,buthisbodyhadgoneheavyagainsther, hisheaddriftingtorestontopofhers,snoringfaintly.He’dfallenasleep,inthemiddle oftheirconversation,almostwithoutwarning,andshefounditamusinglyendearing. Shefelthimshiveragainsther,butwhensheextractedherselffromunderhim, sherealizedhewasstillasleep.Hishandswereicecold,though.Washesick?Orcouldit behisbloodpressure?Shefelthisface,whichseemedalittlechilled,nothot.Shespied alargeblanketfoldedandtuckedintothebottomoftheendtable,managingtostretch andsnagit,thendrapeitoverthemboth.Reneecurledupclosetohimagain,tryingto usehersmallbodytohelphisgetwarm.She’dlethimrestalittlewhile,thenshe’dhave toleave,gratefulshe’dfollowedhimoverinherowncarthistime. Heletoutasmall,achinglyadorablesighofcontentmentandpulledhercloser, stillsoundasleep.Itwouldn’thurttostayalittlewhile,Reneethought,closinghereyes. 61 November4,2000 Reneewokesuddenly,uncertainofwhereshewas,tothesoundofakeyscrapingina lock.Herheartimmediatelybegantoraceinherchest;Kaiwasstillbesideher,but soundasleep.Shedebatedwakinghimforamoment,herbreathheld,asshewaitedfor thedoortoopen.Sheknew,inwardly,shehadnothingtoworryabout—afterall,Kaiwas righthere,andwhoeverwascominginhadakey,butherbodyhadotherideas,andshe hadtostruggletokeepherselfcalm. Finally,someoneemergedthroughtheentrance,atall,lankyfigureshakingout hishairandslippingoutofalongovercoat.Ashesteppedintothelight,shenoticedthe whitecoatandtheblondhair.Shehadn’tmethiminperson,yet,butthishadtobeKai’s brother,Jon.Dr.Taylor. Heseemedtobemakinghisbestefforttobequietasheenteredthekitchen; Reneerealizednow,withaquickglancetotheVCR,thatitwasalmostthreeinthe morning.SheandKaihadbeenasleephours. Sheheardbeeping,likeJonwasheatingsomethinginthemicrowave,and decidedtocarefullyslipoutfromKai’sembraceandthewarmthofthecouch.She’dsay aquickhellotoJon,thenbeonherway.SheneededtobeatLostAppleinfivehours. Assheapproachedthekitchen,shecouldseeJon’sback,leaningagainstthe counter,watchingthemicrowave.Sheattemptedtobalancebeingquiet—soasnotto wakeKai—andloudenoughsoasnottostartleJon. Shestoodintheentrancetothekitchen,finallyclearingherthroat.He containedhisjump,butgapedather,shockedandconfused—thoughhelooked disturbinglylikeKai,onlyolder,heobviouslydidn’thaveKai’sself-controloverhis emotions. “I’msorry;Iwastryingnottoscareyou.” Heblinked.“YoumustbeRenee.” Shenodded,offeredherhand.Theyshookquickly;Jonclearlywaseitherstill unsettledbyhersuddenappearanceorhejustdidn’tknowwhattosaytoher.“Kaifell asleep,andIguessIdid,too,”shesaidinexplanation.“Onthecouch.” Jonnodded,staredatherawkwardly. Shegesturedforthedoorwithherthumb.“Ishouldprobablygo.” Jontookinabreath.“It’sactuallyreallynastyoutthere.Blackice.You’re welcometostaythenighthere.Youcantakemybed.OrKai’s.Ifhe’sstillsleeping,he probablywon’twakeupuntilthemorning.” ReneesmiledatJon’sconsideration.Eventhoughshe’dlivedthroughlast winterhere,herexperienceindrivinginiceandsnowwasn’textensive.Still,shewasn’t themostcomfortablewiththeideaofspendingthenightinanapartmentwithtwomen shebarelyknew. Themicrowavebeeped,andJonhesitatedamomentbeforereachingforit, thoughheseemedunsureifheshouldeatornot,asifwaitingforRenee’spermission.It wascrazyhowmuchalikethetwobrotherslookedandyethowdifferenttheywere, personalitywise.Kaialwaysseemedincontrolofasituation,carefullycraftingwhatto sayandguidingtheconversationinthedirectionofhischoosing.Jonseemedto flounder,likesomeonewhobarelyknewhowtoswimtryingtokeephisheadabove water. Reneerecognizedthesmellsofthedinnershe’dhelpKaicookearlier.“It’s 62 good.Don’tletmestopyou,”shesaidfinally. Jonnoddedandbeganeating,notquitewithrelish,thoughheclearlyenjoyed hisfoodmorethanhisbrotherdespitethefactthathelookedlikeheweighedatleast twentypoundsless.“Didhetakehismedicine?Doyouknow?” Reneeshookherhead.“Idon’t,butIthinkhedid.” Jonsighed,nodded.Heatequickly,hurriedly,clearlytiredandreadyforsleep himself.“Icandriveyouhome,ifyouwant,”Jonoffered,thoughshecouldseehewas exhaustedandonlyofferingtobenice.“Kaicanpickyouupinthemorningandbring youbacktoyourcar.” Reneesighed.“Kaiwouldn’tmindifIstayed?” Jonlookedather,confused,ashepulledazipperedpouchoutofoneofthe drawers.“KaiwouldbefuriouswithmeifIletyoudrivehomeinthisweather.”She watchedhimprickhisfingerwithalittledevice—hedidn’tevenflinch—thensqueezethe bloodoutontoateststrip.“Mybed’sbigger,butKai’sroomiswarmer.Icangetyou somethingtosleepin.” Hewentthroughtherestofthemotionsofwhatsheassumedwascheckinghis bloodsugar,notthinkinganythingaboutinjectinghimselfinfrontofher.Oncehe finished,hesignaledforhertofollowhim. Heledhertohisownbedroom,whichwassparselyfurnishedandevenless decoratedthantherestoftheapartment,pawingthroughafewdrawersbeforehefound something.ApairofpinkplaidflannelPJs.“Uh,thesepajamasaremygirlfriend’s; they’llbeabitbig,butprobablyfitbetterthananyofourclothes.”Hepointed.“That’s mybathroom,ifyouwanttochangeinthere.I’mgoingtogocheckonKai.” Reneeemergedafewminuteslater;she’drolledupthepantsatthelegsandthewaist, andtiedtheshirttohelpkeepitinplace.Sheprobablylookedridiculous,butshewas warm,andshewouldn’thavetoriskgettinginanaccidentoutontheicyroads.Jonwas repositioningKai,whowasstillsoundasleep,shiftinghimontohisbackandtuckinga pillowunderhislegsbeforecoveringhimwithanextrablanket.Jon’smovementswere tender,feelingKai’sforeheadandcheeksandexamininghishandsasifKaiwerehisson insteadofhisbrother. “IsheOK?”Reneeaskedinawhisper. Jonlookedup.Nodded.“Hisbloodpressure’salittlelow,butpositioninghim likethiswillhelp.He’sreallyout,”Jonsaidwithafaintsmile.“Didyoudecidewhere youwanttosleep?”Jonasked,standingup. “Uh,”Reneetoedtheground.“IguessKai’sroom.Ihatetoputyouout anymorethanIamalready.” Jon’ssmilebroadened,remindinghermoreofhisbrother,butheshookhis head.“Allright,well,it’srightthroughthere.Heshouldhavefreshsheetsinhis bathroom,ifyouwantthem,andhisalarmissetforseven,butyoucanturnitoffifyou want.” “That’sperfect.He’llreallybeOKonthecouch?” Jonlaughed.“Ifhehasn’twokenupyet?Yeah,he’llbefine.”ThenJon stretched,yawned,andflickedoffmostofthelights,thoughnotallofthem,oddly enough,Reneeobserved,disappearingintoKai’sroom. Kai’sbedroomwastidy,butnotasIKEA-catalogneatastherestoftheapartment,orhis brother’sroom.Thesurfaceofthelowdresserofftoonesidewasdottedwith 63 prescriptionbottles,pens,stickynotepads,smallcrumpledpapers,partiallyempty bottlesofwaterandsportsdrink.Anoldphotographwastuckedintothecornerofthe mirror,belowacascadeofpost-itswithnotesscrawledinKai’sslanting,hurried handwriting.Thingslike,CallJake.Prepare1stDateSun.PickupRx.Apptw/Dr.Mic [email protected]. Anunmade,extra-longtwinbed,likethekindReneerememberedfromthe dorm,waspushedupagainstthefarwall,asinglenightstandandlampbesideit,the shelvesofwhichwerefullofitemsshecouldn’tquiteidentifyatfirstglance.Aninhaler andanovel—clearlyalibrarybook—layonitssurface.Inthefarcorner,nearthebed, stoodapairofforearmcrutches,thescuffsonthewallindicatingheoftenleanedthem there,andKai’sblackkneebrace.Hisleatherbraces,theonesshe’dseenhimwearingin PT,werenowheretobeseen,perhapsstoredawayintheclosetopposite.Ontheother wallwasalowbookshelf,sparselyfilledwithwell-wornnovelsandacoupletextbooks. ShenoticedthecopyofTheVelveteenRabbitKaihadpurchasedtheotherdayatthe reading. Butotherthanthesinglephotograph,nothingpersonalizedtheroom.No mementosorpictures,nophotosordecorations.Itwasclearlylivedin,evidenceofKai’s presenceeverywhere—includingtheoverflowinghamperbesidethedresser—but withoutlookingatthenameontheprescriptionbottles,withoutknowingthatbraceand crutcheswerehis,itcouldeasilyhavebeenanyyoungguy’sroom.ItlookedlikeKai’s instincttohidewentfartherthanhisreticencetotalktoher. Sheresistedthetemptationtopryinhisclosetordrawers,ortocheckanyof theprescriptionbottlesforcluesintoKai’slife,thoughshedidduckintohisbathroom, figuringmaybehe’dhavesomemouthwashshecoulduseasasubstituteforbrushing herteeth. Kai’sbathroomwasabouttwiceaslargeashisbrother’s,thoughotherthanthe hightoiletpushedclosetothewallandthegrabbarslikeshe’dseeninpublicrestrooms, itseemedprettystandard,justwithmorespace,obviouslysohecouldmaneuverhis wheelchairinit. Likehisbedroom,thebathroomwasimpersonalyetvisiblylivedin,more prescriptionbottlesscatteredaround—thereseemedlikeanawfullotofthem—along withseveralinhalersandplasticpiecesshecouldn’tidentifysetcarefullytodryona towel.Shespottedthemouthwashandpouredsomeintoaplasticcupshepluckedfrom astackofftotheside.Usingitquickly,shefeltuncomfortablylikeshewasinvading Kai’scarefullycraftedprivacy.Shesuspectedpartofhisclosingthedooronherearlier, whenhe’ddisappearedintohisroom,wasasmuchtokeephisdomainprivatefromher astoshieldherfromwhateveritwashe’dcomeintodo.Takehismedicine,she presumed. Sheopenedthelargecabinetnearthedoorwheresheexpectedtofindextra towelsandsheets,spyingthesestackedneatlyonashelf,butbelowthemshesawboxes ofmedicalsupplies,somesherecognized,likesurgicalglovesandmasks,andothersshe didn’t.Furtherconvincedherinstinctsaboutprivacyinvasionwereright,andrealizing shewasevenmoretiredthanshe’dthought,shedecidedtoforgetaboutchangingthe sheetsandjustgotosleep. Reneesighed,flippedoffthelight,andreturnedtohisbed,sinkingdowninto it,realizingitwascoveredinpillows,likeKaiwassomekindofpillowhoarder.Itmade thenarrowbedstrangelycomfortable,andtheysmelledreassuringlylikehim,soshe gatheredthemupintoanestofsorts,pulleduptheblankets,andsoonslippedintoa 64 contentedsleep. Kaiwokeslowly.Thefirstthingherealizedwashowstiffhewas,hisneckandbacktight. Heopenedhiseyes,confusedatfirstuntilherealizedhewasonthecouch.He’dspent theentirenighthere?Herubbedathisneck,workinghisfingersintothemuscleashe searchedfortheclock.Six-thirtyAM.Ugh,nowonderhewastight.He’dtakenhismeds whenhe’dsnuckintohisroomtocough,buthadn’tbotheredtostretch. Heusedthebackofthecouchtopullhimselfupwithagrunt.Hefeltalittle dizzy,andsuspectedhisbloodpressurehaddippedabit,butheworkedthroughit, yankingthepillowoutfrombeneathhislegs—hadhedonethat?Leaningforwardas muchashisbackwouldallowtostretchit. Reneehadcomeover,they’dhaddinner,thenthey’dsatonthecouchtogether. Hemusthavefallenasleep.Hadsheleftwithoutwakinghim?Orhadhewokenbut couldn’tremember?Butifhehad,whyhadn’thegonetohisbed? Heheardsomeonemovingaroundthekitchenashecontinuedtotrytostretch himselfloose.Hepulledhislegsoffthecouchonebyone,glancingaroundforhischair. Itwasn’twhereherememberedleavingit,butthenhecouldn’tremembermuchofthe nightbefore.Thegoodnewswasotherthanbeingtightandalittlelightheaded,his chestfeltclearer.Onlyacoupledosesoftheamphigarolandhewasalreadyclearingthe mucusbetter.Hereachedforahandfuloftissuesandcoughed.Itwasgoodnews,of course,ashenotedwhathecoughedupwasstillclear,andlesssticky,thoughalsobad: whatevercausedhisbodytoproducetheabnormalgunkinhislungsthatthe amphigarolfoughtagainstobviouslyhadn’tbeencuredbythetransplanttheway everyonehadhoped. “Kai?” Kaicoughedafewmoretimes,wipedhismouth,andlookedup.Jonstoodwith twomugs,offeringhimone.“I’mfine,”Kaisaid,ballinguptheusedtissuesand acceptingthemug.Hotmilkwithsugar.Hetookafewsips,thentriedtostretchhisback somemorebyarchinghisshoulders. Jontookaseatattheotherendofthecouch,sippinghiscoffee.“Shh.Renee’s asleepinyourroom.” “What?!”Kaifingerspelledrapidlywithhisfreehandtoexpresshisshock. “ItwastoodangerousforhertodrivebythetimeIgothome,soIofferedto letherstay.Youwereasleep.” Kaigroanedbutsaidnothingelse,rollinghisnecktotrytostretchit.He’dhave tosneakthroughhisownbedroomjusttousethetoiletortakehismeds.Reneeonly knewafractionofwhatlifewithhimwaslike.Hewasn’treadyforasleepover,which madehimfuriouswithJon.Butatthesametime,iftheweatherwasbad,Jonhaddone therightthingtokeepherhere.IfRenee’ssafetymeantKaihadtodosomeexplaining soonerratherthanlater,andbeslightlyinconvenienced,thensobeit.Kaisighed heavily,annoyedhecouldn’tevenreallybemad. JonseemedtobewaitingforKai’sangrysignedoutburst. Instead,Kaiattemptedtostretchagain.“Youwererighttoletherstay.I’ve gottawakeherupsoon,anyway.Shehaswork.” Jonblinked,alittlesurprised.“Yousore?Ididn’twanttowakeyou...” Kaisighed.“Icoulduseagoodmassage,”hesaid,smilingfaintly.“ButI’lllive.I neededthesleep.Ifeelalotbetter.” Jonnodded.“Good.Iwasworriedaboutyouyesterday.I’mgoingtogeta 65 shower;Ihaveclinicforafewhours,thenI’monthegraveyardagain.”Jonsighed, rollinghiseyes.Hefinishedhiscoffee,thenrose.“Seeyoulater.” Afewminuteslater,Kaisnuckintohisroom,tryingtobeasquietaspossible.Reneewas sprawledinhisbed,lookingadorable,hercurlsafrizzydisasteraroundherhead, tangledupinthepillowsandblanketsandtheborrowedpajamasseveralsizestoolarge forher.Man,hehadtopee,nottomentiontakehismorningmeds,butglancingatthe clock,hisalarmwouldsoundsoon. Hedebatedforamoment,butfinally,hisbladderwonoutandheshuthimself inthebathroom.Hisfingerhoveredoverthelock.Kainever,everlockedhimselfina residentialbathroom.Itwassilly,andhetoldhimselfitwasincasesomething happened,hisbrotherorsomeoneelsecouldgettohim,butevennow,hecouldn’tbring himselftoturnthelock.ItwassomethingDr.Millerwouldprobablychastisehimabout, buttheriskofReneewalkinginonhimfeltlikelessofathreatthanalockeddoor,even ifitwasofhisownmaking. Kaihadriggedupaurinaltousesohedidn’thavetotransfertopee.Itwas meanttoattachtoabag,buthe’dsimplymodifieditsoheputtheendinthebowlso thatwhilehepeed,itdraineddirectlyintothetoilet. He’djustfinished,cleaninghisdeviceandhimself,whenheheardhisalarm. It’dbeaninconvenience,buthecouldtakehismedsinhisroomandletReneehavehis bathroomforamomenttoshower.Hegatheredeverythingintoabag,includinghis notebookandpen,setitinhislap,andpushedoutthedoor. Reneehadmanagedtoshutoffthealarm,andwassittingupinhisbed,her hairafrazzledmess,lookingsosmall,stillwakingup.Butshesmiledwhenshesawhim. “Morning.” “Morning,”hesaid,echoinghersmile.“Ihopeyousleptwell?” Shenodded,pattingthepillows.“Deceptivelycomfortable.”Shestretched,then seemedtoremembershewasn’tcompletelydressedandherhairwasamess,pullingthe blanketshigheraroundherself.“ThiswouldbeawkwardifIweren’twearingsomeone else’spajamasandsittinginanusurpedbed.” Hechuckled,feelingawarmthinhisbellyattheideaofReneewakingupinhis bed,evenifhehadn’tsleptinitwithher.“I’llbethegracioushostandyieldmy bathroomtoyou.There’stowelsifyou’dliketoshower.Ialsoshouldhavesome unopenedtoothbrushesinthebottomleftcabinet;Iliketochangethemmonthly,soI alwayskeepafewextras.Takeyourtime.I’llgomakesomecoffeeforyou,incaseJon drankitall.” Reneebeckonedhimclose,soheobeyed,pushingtotheedgeofthebed.She gotuponherkneesandleanedinforakiss,shortbutdeliciouslysweet.“Thankyoufor beingagentleman.” “I’mtheonewhofellasleeponyoulastnight.Sorryaboutthat.” “Well,you’lljusthavetomakeituptometomorrowforoursurprise‘first’ date.”Shegrinnedandpulledhiminforanotherkissthatmadehimmeltinside. “You’regoingtoloveit.It’sbingoSundayatthePrairieValleyRetirement Home.”Herealizedhewassmiling,asillygrin,hislipbetweenhisteeth. ButReneewasbeamingbackathim.“Ican’twait.”Shewinked,plantedaquick peckonhischeek,beforehoppingaroundhimanddisappearingintothebathroom. “You’reinlovewithher,”Jonsignedsingle-handedlyashepouredhimselfyetmore 66 coffeefromthefreshpotKaihadmadeforRenee,fillingalargeto-gocup. “I’mnot,”Kaisignedquickly,turninghisbackonhisbrothertosignalthe conversationwasover,openingthefridgetoseeifhehadanythinghecouldmakeher forbreakfast. JontappedfirmlyonKai’sshoulder,soKaireluctantlylookedup.“Ithinkshe’s inlovewithyou,too.” “Whatever,”Kaisigneddismissively.“Don’tyouhavework?” “Sheseemsnice,”Jonsaidinawhisper.“Don’tpushheraway.” KaiglaredatJon,butJononlysmiledandwaved. “I’llbelateagaintonight.” “Fallinginlove,maybe,”Kaiconceded.“Butnotlovelove,”Kaisaid, fingerspellingoneofthe“loves”foremphasis.“Sincewhenareyoutheexpert, anyway?” Jonjustsmiled.“Maybethefourofusshouldhavedinner?MaybeonceI’m backonanormalschedule?” Kainoddedvaguely,lostinhisthoughts.Jonmightbesociallycluelessat times,buthewasobservant.Partofwhatmadehimsogoodathisjob.Coulditreallybe possible?Reneebarelyknewhim,andhebarelyknewher.Jonwasprobablyjust overeagertoseeKaihappyafterthedisastersofBeccaandNikki.Right? ReneeslippedintoKai’sbathroom,herclothesfromthenightbeforebundledinher arms.Shetwistedthelock;shetrustedKaiandhisbrother,butitmadeherfeelalittle safer.Sheleftherclothesonthesink,thenfishedacoupletowelsoutofthecabinet, strippingoutofherborrowedPJs.Sheshiveredandrushedtotheshower. Itwasatubshowersimilartotheoneinherownapartment,butwhenshe pulledthecurtainaway,shenoticedafewminordifferences.Thefirstwasawhite plasticchairsetintothetub;ithadhandlesbuiltintotheseat.Next,shespottedtwo moregrabbars,thenthattheshowerheadhadbeenconvertedtoahandwandand mountedloweronthewall,soitwaseasilyreachablefromtheseat.Reneehad wondered,vaguely,howKaishowered.Nowsheknew. Shereachedinandturnedthewateronhottogetsomesteamgoing,observing how,likeatypicalman,Kai’sbathproductsconsistedofonlysoapandshampoo.She sighed,testingherhair.Itnormallytookspecialhairproductstokeepitmanageable; andabouthalfacupofconditionertopreventitdryingout,especiallyinthewinter.She couldtakeherchanceswithjustshampoo,orleaveitunwashedandpullitintoabun andhopenoonewouldnotice.Shetuckeditupnow,twistinghercurlstogether,then wrappingthemaroundeachotherandpullingtheendthroughtoholdtheminplace. Shecautiouslysteppedintotheshower,realizing,evenasshortasshewas,it wouldbeawkwardtryingtostandinfrontoftheshowerchair—whichshewasn’ttoo keenonmoving—whatifshebrokeit?Andshe’dprobablyhavetoholdthewandto reallygetgoodcoverage,evenifshedecidednottowashherhair.Yetshewashesitant tositintheseat,too.EventhoughKaihadgivenherpermissiontouseshisbathroom,it stillfeltwrong,likeanintimacytheyweren’tquitereadyfor.Ofcoursesheknewhewas disabled,andthewheelchairdidmakeitprettyobvious,especiallywhenhewas transferringinandoutofit,hislegssostillwhentheyweren’tspasming,standinginhis showersuddenlymadeitreal. She’dassuredhimshedidn’tmindifheneverwalkedagain,butasshefinally letherselfsinkintotheseat,ithither:hadshereallythoughtthroughwhatbeingwith 67 someonelikeKaiwouldmean?Inonlyacoupleweeks,she’dbespendingThanksgiving withherfamily,andeveryoneusuallygatheredathermaternalgrandparents’house, whichhadbeeninthefamilyforgenerations.Itwasalarge,150-year-oldVictorian house,raisedalmostanentirestoryabovethegroundtokeepitprotectedfromseasonal floodsandeventheworsthurricane’srains. Butthatalsomeantsteps.Lotsofsteps.Andmoreinside,sincethebedrooms wereallonthesecondorthirdfloors.Herparents’house,thehomewhereshe’dgrown up,wasofasimilardesign.Andthatdidn’tevenaccountfordoorsthatweren’twide enoughorabathroomtoosmallforhimtomaneuverin.Kaiwasresourceful,ofcourse— she’dseenitfirsthand,butinventivenesscouldonlytakehimsofar.Therewerethings, probablyalonglistifsheforcedherselftoreallythinkofthem—thatKaiwouldnotbe abletodo. Shereachedforthesoap—plain,unscented,tostartcleaningherselfwhenshe heardagentleknockonthedoor.“I’mnotdone,”shesaidstupidly;hehadtohearthe runningwater. “ImadecoffeeandI’mgoingouttoscrapetheiceoffyourwindshieldaslongas you’renotblockedin.JustthoughtI’dletyouknow.” Reneesmileddespiteherself,awarmthfillingherthathadnothingtodowith thewater.She’djustbeenimaginingKai’slimitations,andyethewasofferingtogoout inthecoldandprephercarforher.Shewasn’tsureexactlyhowhe’dmanage,butjust likeinthekitchenyesterday,hehadtohaveasystem.MaybelifewithKaiwouldn’tbe thesameasitwouldbewithanable-bodiedman,andmaybehe’dhavetofindwork aroundsanddothingsdifferently,butshecouldn’thidethewayherstomachfelt wonderfullyknottedupatthethoughtofbeingwithKailongenoughshe’dneedtofind outwhatallthecomplexitiesofhislifemightbe. Reneehadbeendistractedallday,gratefulthestorewasn’ttoobusy,unabletostop thinkingaboutKai.Notonlyabouthimingeneral—hisraregenuinesmiles,thesparkle inhisblueeyes,therichsoundofhislaughter,thesubtlecleanmalenessofhissmell, theroughnessofhisskinalonghers.Howniceithadfelt,feelinghisheadleaning againsthers,hisarmwrappedaroundherastheyslepttogetheronhiscouch.How strangelywonderfulhisbedhadbeen.Butalsoaboutwhathe’dstartedtotellherbefore disappearing.Andallthoseprescriptionbottles.Hehadtoldhermorethanoncehis healthwascomplicated.She’dgivenintotemptationafterhershowerandhadreadthe labelsonafewofthebottlesinhisbathroom,allofwhichhadapparentlybeento controlortreathisMLS,plusonewhoseinstructionsread,Takeonetabletuptofour timesdailyasneededfornauseaandvomiting.Atthatpoint,she’ddecidedshe shouldn’tpryanymoreandhadresumedgettingdressed.Butthatlastprescriptionhad madeherwonder:wasthatwhyKaihatedeating?Becauseheoftenfeltsick?Anddidhe feelthatwaybecauseofhis“complicatedhealth,”orwasitasideeffectofthemyriad medicineshetook?Maybeshecouldaskhimtomorrow.Ormaybehe’dfinishtellingher whateveritwashe’dstartedtosay. Athumpasabookwasthrowndowninfrontofheronthecounterdrewher outofherrepetitivecycleofthoughts. “Isthiseverything?”Reneeaskedautomaticallyasshepulledthebookcloserto ringitup.Shenoticedthetitle,RedefiningSLUT:FemaleSexualityinthe21stCentury. “So.Howwashe?”Reneelookedupatthevoice,seeingDiane,leaningonthe counter,armscrossed,eyebrowsraised. 68 “What?” “Someonedidn’tcomehomelastnight.” Reneeblinked. Dianeleanedin.“Anddespitethatsweater,whichIknowyoukeepinyourcar, you’realsowearingthesameclothesyouworeyesterday.” Reneeblushedfiercely,eventhoughshehadnoreasonto,gratefulthere weren’tanycustomersaroundandArtwasinhisoffice. “I’vebeenwatchingyouforthepastfifteenminutes,andyourlookwasthe perfectcombinationofdreamyandconfusedandcontemplative,whichscreamed—to me—thatyouhadsexlastnight.”Dianewasbeamingtriumphantly. “I’matwork,Diane.Thisistotallynottheplace.” “Fine.Tellmeallaboutittonight.Butyou’veneverbeenonetonotkissand tell.” Reneesighedheavily.“Areyouevenbuyingthis?”Sheheftedthebookinthe air. “Justtryingtogetyourattention.Yousaidthisguywasdifferent—“ NowReneewasgettingmad.“Heis.Wedidsleeptogetherlastnight,butnot thewayyouthink.Wefellasleeponhiscouch,anditwaslateandbadroadconditions whenIwokeup,soIwasinvitedtostay.Hewasaperfectgentleman.Heevenwentout andscrapedtheiceoffmywindshieldthismorning.” DianestudiedRenee,obviouslyskeptical. “Look,Diane,”Reneesaid.“There’ssomethingabouthimyoushouldknow. I’vebeenmeaningtotellyou,butthere’sneverbeena‘right’time,andnowseemslike thewrongtimeforeverything,sowhynot.”Reneepaused,tookadeepbreath.“Heuses awheelchair.Hecan’twalk.Well,hecan,kindof.It’s...complicated.”Reneefound herselfsmiling,hugeandsilly.Kaiwassoright.Therewasnosimplewaytoexplainhis disability. Diane’smouthopened,hereyesnarrowing.“Wait.Youalwaystalkedabout howtallheis.Andyouneversaidanythingabout....Andhowcanhebothwalkandnot walk?It’soneortheother.” “We’lltalkmorelater,”Reneesaid,stillsmiling,takinganotherpageoutof Kai’sbookanddirectingtheconversationconfidently.“ButI’mseriousaboutus,andI’m prettysurehefeelsthesameway.SoI’dappreciateyoursupport.” Jonjoggedintothepulmonologyoutpatientclinic,hopingtofindVickythereforsome kissingifnothingelsebeforehisfirstpatientarrived.He’donlymanagedafewhours’ sleep,andhewasonshiftagainthatnight,butthestrongcoffeehe’dconsumedthat morninghelpedenergizehim,nottomentiontheprospectofseeingVicky,theirfirst chancetobealonesinceshe’dentertainedhiminhisofficeonHalloweennight. Herhairwasformedintoalong,thickbraidthatdippedoverhershoulderas shestoodatthefrontdesk,frowningasshedouble-checkedshe’dpulledtheright patientfilesforthemorning.Jon’sheartspeditsbeat,anditwasn’tsimplythecaffeine overload. “Morning,”Jonsaid,sneakingupbehindherandwrappinghisarmsaround her,pullingherintoahugagainsthim. Shegaspedinsurprisebeforelaughing,battinghishandsoffherenoughshe couldturnaroundanddrapeherarmsaroundhisneck.“Morning,”shesaid,offering himashortbutdeliciouslysweetkiss.“IneverthoughtI’dactuallylookforwardto 69 Saturday-morningclinicwithyousomuch.IfeellikethisisthefirsttimeI’vebeenable tospendsometimewithyouinages.” Jonsighed.“I’msorry.I’mreadyformycrapscheduletobeover,too,butI’d doitagaintobethereforKai.”Heleanedinforanotherkiss,butVickypulledaway. “Whataboutme?” “What?”Jonsaid,hiseyebrowsdippingasheattemptedthekissagain. Vickyaccepted,butkeptittoapeck.“Wouldyoudoitforme?” Jondroppedhisgriponher,hishandsfallingtoherhips,confused.“Is somethingwrong?”IfVickyweresickandhehadbeentoobusytonotice.... Vickylaughedsoftly,asifshecouldseehismindworking,racingfortheworst scenario,layingahandonhischeek.“No.I’mfine.But...ifsomethingdidhappento me,andIneededyou.Wouldyoutakeoffweeksofworkforme?” Maybeitwasalackofsleep,orsimplyhis(acknowledged)limited understandingsoftheworkingsofthefemalebrain,butJoncouldn’tfigureoutwhy Vickywasaskinghimthesethings.Couldn’ttheyjustkiss? Withoutgivinghimachancetoformulatearesponse,Vickypushedhimaway, turningherbackonhimandgatheringupthestackofpatients’folders.Sheshoved themintohisarms.“We’rebusythismorning,”shesaidcoollybeforewalkingaround him.Amomentlater,heheardherofficedoorslamshut. Shewasangry.Whathadhedonewrong?Jugglingthefilesinhisarms,he triedtounderstand.Shehadahugefamily—sevenbrothersandsisters,bothparents andsetsofgrandparents,plusmorecousinsandauntsandunclesthanJoncouldcount. Kaionlyhadhim.He’dgivehersometimetocooloff,andmakehisapologies,andhope hecouldgethertoexplainwhathewassupposedtohavesaid. 70 November5,2000 ReneelaughedwhenKaiparkedinfrontoftheJonesvillePublicLibrary.“Ithoughtyou promisedmearealdate.” Kaiturnedtoher,smiledoneofhisgenuinesmiles,oneshewasstartingto believewasreservedjustforher.“Itis,butlikeus,it’snothingconventional.Ifyouhate it,Ihaveabackupplan.Just...trustme?” Reneeraisedaneyebrow,chucklingandnodding.Shedecidedtowaitinthe lingeringwarmthofthecarfornow,watchingasKaipoppedhisdooropenandcarefully pulledthepiecesofhischairoverandout,listeningtotheclickaseachwheelwasfixed inplace.Thenhetwisted,grabbedhisbackpackandattachedittothebackofhischair beforeliftinghisbodyontothecushion,adjustinghislegs. “Comeon,”hesaid,hittingthelockandshuttingthedoor.“Followme.” Kaileadherupthewindingrampthatangleduptowardtheentrance, bypassingthenumeroussteps.Thebuildingwasablandbox,likelyconstructedinthe 1970sbasedonthecolorofthebrick—acreamthatwasinbadneedofpowerwashing— andtheshapeofthewindows,narrowandmodern(thirtyyearsago).Especiallycoming fromNewOrleans,wherebuildingshadrealhistory,itwasatravestyofarchitecturein Renee’smind,thoughshewonderedifanyoneotherthanherevenbotheredtonotice. Kaicertainlydidn’t,leaningforward,hisshouldersandarmsworkinghardtopropel himselfuptheramp.ThecoldairbitatRenee’scheeks,andthoughitwasaclearday, theforecastpromisedthefirstsignificantsnowoftheseasonforlaterthatday. Kaiheldthedooropenforherashealwaysdid;Reneehadlearnedquicklythat herepeopleweren’tasovertlypoliteastheywerebackhome.Notnecessarilyrude,per se,butholdingdoorswasn’tsomethingpeoplegenerallydidforoneanother.She’d noticedKaididn’tlikeitwhenshediditforhim—eventhoughshediditreflexively—and wonderedifhissupposedchivalrywaspreemptive;Reneecouldn’tholdthedoorforhim ifhewasalreadyholdingitforher.Ofcourse,shecouldbeoverthinkingthings,asshe oftendid,accordingtoDiane. Shesmiledathimandwalkedthroughintothefoyer,hearingthesoftclickas Kairolledoverthethresholdbehindher.Withoutaword,hetookoffatabriskpace throughthemainwalkwayofthelibrary,pastthebankofcomputersononesideand fictionontheother.Shehadtoadmitshewascurious,althoughshewonderedifallof thiscouldbesomekindofelaboratejoke. Kaiturnedrightatperiodicals,cuttingthroughnonfiction,usinghishandson theshelvestopropelhimselfforwardwheretheywerealittlenarrow,occasionally glancingbacktomakesureshewasstillfollowinghim.Finally,theyreachedasecluded backcorner,shieldedfromthemajorityofthelibrarybyrowsofdustyshelvesfilledwith booksonobscuretopicsthatlookedlikenoonehadevenbotheredtotouchthemin quitesometime.Hewheeleduptoadoorthatwasmarked“StaffOnly”inboldletters, andpulledoutacoupleelongatedpiecesofmetal,likestraightenedpaperclips,outofa zipperedpocketofhiscoat,thenbeganworkingonthelock. “Whatareyoudoing?”Reneesaidinaharshwhisper,easingcloserandlooking aroundnervously,certainsomecrotchetylibrarianwouldstumbleontothemandbeat themhalfwaytodeathwiththethickestvolumeoftheEncyclopediaBritannica. “Shh.Relax,”hesaidwithoutlookingupfromhiswork.ReneesawKai’shand jerk,heardaclick,andthedoorcreakedopenfartooloudlyforRenee’scomfort.“Come 71 on,”Kaisaid,pushingin.SheknewKaiwasfullofsecrets,butlockpicking?Another thingtoaddtoherincreasinglylonglistof“ThingstoAskKaiLater.” Reluctantly,Reneefollowed,easingthedoorclosedbehindher.“Shouldwebe inhere?”Reneeaskedcautiously,walkingbehindKai.Theywereinabarelylithallway, andReneerealizedtherewassomethingmorethanalittlecreepyaboutthissituation. “Nope,”Kairesponded.“Almostthere.” Theyreachedanotherdoor,butthisonewasapparentlyunlocked—eitherit wasleftthatwayorKaihadalreadypickeditearlier—heclearlyhadanagenda—and pusheditopen.Reneehesitatedbeforefollowinghimin.Sheheardtheflickofaswitch, thensawsoftlightbegintoappearonebyone,forcinghereyestoadjustasshe approached. Candles. Theroomwasenormous,theceilingatleasttwostorieshigh,apparentlysome kindofstoragespace,boxesandfurnitureandoldbookspiledaround,thoughsomeone —presumablyKai—hadclearedaspaceinthecenterandleftaringofcandles— ensconcedinglass—oneverysurfaceremotelywithinreachfromhiswheelchair.Hewas nowpushingaround,lightingthem,onebyone.Reneetooktimetostudytheroom, puzzlingoutwhyKaihadbroughtherhere,whenshenoticedthewindow,barely illuminatedbywhatremainedofthemeageroverheadlighting.Ithadclearlybeen walledinandnolongerfacedtheoutside,butitwasgorgeous.Overastoryhigh,old, withbitsofcoloredglassinabstractdesigns.Thatguidedhereyetoobservetheroom moreclearly,noticingthewoodencrownmolding—carvedsimplyandgeometrically. Theceilingwasmoldedplaster,waterstainedinsomeplaces,butthedesignwasstill visible,drawinghereyetowhatsherealizednowwasakindofbalconythatcircledthe room,therichwooddriedanddustyfromyearsofneglect,andthesuggestion,behind themandthestacksofdetritus,similarlyartfulbookshelves. “Whatisthisplace?”Reneeaskedinwonder,searchingoutotherhidden detailsshemayhavemissednowthatKai’scandleshadilluminatedmoreofthespace. Sheheardhisvoicedrawcloserashewheeledtowardher.“Thelibrarywas builtin1904,byHoratioJones’sson,intheprairiestyle.Itfeaturedlargewindows,high ceilings,skylights,andopenbalconies,givingplentyofnaturalsunlighttoreadby.But inthe1970s,thetownvotedtoexpandandremodelthebuilding,andtheoriginal architecturewaslost,exceptforthisroom.It’sjustusedforstorage,andnooneever comesinhere,butIrememberedArttellingmeaboutit.Ithoughtyoumightfindit... interesting.” Talkaboutatypicalromanticgestures,Reneethought,rememberingtheir conversationfromtheweekbefore.“Kai...Idon’tknowwhattosay,”shefinally admitted,lookingdownathim.He’dtakenoffhiscoat,andshesawhewaswearinga navylong-sleevedT-shirt,looseenoughtohidethescarathisneckandhisshape,but thesleevesfitcloselyenoughtooutlinethestrongmusclesinhisarms. Hehidhisfrown,thoughshe’dseenitfleetinglyonhisface.“ItoldyouIhavea planBifyoudon’tlikethis.” Reneeshookherhead.“Idon’tlikethis.” Kainodded,startedtoturn,perhapstosnuffoutthecandles,whenRenee reachedforward,layingahandonhisarmtostophim.Heglancedupather,hisface thatpurposefulunreadablemaskshehatedtosee. “Iloveit,”shesaid,leaningforwardandkissinghimlightlyonthelips,feeling hissurpriseandrelief.Whenshepulledback,hewassmilingfaintly,almosthesitantly. 72 “Really.It’sbizarre,butsweet.Veryyou.” Kailaughednow,relaxedalittlemore.“Betterthanflowers?” Reneejoinedhislaughter.“Muchbetter.” “Iaskedmybrotherandfriendwhattodoandtheybothsaidtakeyouto dinner,butthatseemedso...normal.Lifewithmewillneverbe‘normal.’Thoughtyou shouldgetusedtoitearly.”Hegrinned,butevenso,shestillsawthehesitancy, uncertainty,inhiseyes. “It’sacrimewhattheydidtothisbuilding.Itmusthavebeensobeautiful.” “Ineversawtheoriginal,butIimaginedyouofallpeoplewouldappreciate this.” Reneefeltthatindescribablepleasantfeelinginherchest,notquitelikethe momentonarollercoasterwhereyoufindyourselfshootingdownasteepincline,but close.She’dneverfeltthatwaybefore,butwithKai,itwasbecomingaregularsensation. Sheleanedforward,kissedhimagain.Reluctantly,shepulledaway.Flashedasmile. “Didn’tyouknow?Allmyboyfriendsbringmetodustyhiddenroomsonour dates.”Reneefeltalight,happyfeelingatthewordthathadslippedouteasily—onlya hintofregretafterward.WouldKaibeannoyedwithherpresumptionofessentially callinghimherboyfriend? “Hey,Idustedinhere!”Apparentlynot,Reneerealizedwitharushofrelief. “Andifso,didyoupresscharges?BecauseIreallydon’tthinkorangeismycolor.” Reneemanagedasmile,butshecouldn’tquitelaugh,thinkingofJude.She pushedhimfromhermind.TodaywasaboutKai,andnewbeginnings.“Sowhatdowe donow?Tellghoststories?” Kaipushedtooneofthetables,yankedoutaduffle,fromwhichhepulledouta coupleblankets.“Somethinglikethat,”hesaidwithaplayfulsmile. ReneehelpedcleartheplatesandtheTupperwareKaihadbroughtfortheirlunchoutof theway.“Sotheothernightwasn’tafluke.Youreallycancook.” Kaishrugged.“IhopevegetarianwasOK.Ithoughtofmakingmeatforyou, butmybrothersaidifyou’regoingtobewithmeyouneedtoacceptmydiet...” Reneelaughedsoftly.“Itwasdelicious.Evenbetterthantheothernight.”And itreallywas.SomekindofpotatoandpumpkinandlentilstewshewascertainKaimust havespentmostofSaturdaycooking."ButcanIaskyousomething?”Sheshutthelast oftheTupperwareandsetitaside. Kaishiftedthepillow,rolledontohisstomach,proppinghisheadupwithhis hands.“Ithinkthat’swhywe’rehere,isn’tit?” ThememoryoftheantiemeticmedicationReneehadfoundinKai’sbathroom floatedinthebackofhermind,butshedecidedshe’dputoffaskingaboutitfornow— shedidn’twanttoruintheirfirstofficialdatebypotentiallyrevealinghowmuchofhis privacy,hishard-earnedtrust,she’dviolated.Instead,sheaskedanotherdietary questionshe’dbeencuriousabout,“Youdon’tstrikemeasa‘meatismurder’type.” “YouwanttoknowwhyIwentveg,”hesaid,shiftingsohewasleaningonone hand,hisotherarmdrapedacrossthepillow,grippinghiselbow.Helookedsosexylike that,peaceful,relaxed,thewarmlightofthecandleshighlightingthefaintredishgoldin hishair.Itstillseemedstrangethewayhislegslaysostillexceptfortheoccasional minortwitchhebarelyseemedtonotice. Reneeshrugged,bundledupsomeoftheblanketandcurleduponherside, facinghim. 73 “Mybrotherreadsomestudiesthatshowedthatavegetariandietwas correlatedwithareducedamountofMLSflareups.Webothfigureditwouldn’thurtfor metotryit.” “And?” “September’smajorattacknotwithstanding,Ithinkit’shelped.” “Well,Icangetusedtotofuifitmeansyouwon’tbeinpain.” Kaiblinked,andhisfaceshiftedthroughseveralemotions,rapid-fire,almost impossibletodistinguishindividually.Ashadeofasmilelingered.“Soyouneverreally toldmewhatagoodNewOrleansgirlisdoinginnorthernIowa.”Hesaid“NewOrleans” inafakeaccent,attemptingtoimitatethewayshepronouncedit,anditmadeherlaugh. Shenoticedhowhehadchangedthesubject,butsheansweredanyway.“Itold you;JUhasagoodarchitectureprogram.” “Mmm.AndI’msuretherearegoodprogramsinNewYorkorCaliforniaor Chicago.” “Jonesvilleisplentyfarfromhome,anditpissedoffmyparents.Don’tthink I’mcallousforsayingthis,butsometimesnothavingparentshastobeablessing.” Kai’sbrowsfurrowedsternly.“Iguesswebothknowalittlesomethingabout hiding,then.” Reneerose,pacedbackandforthinfrontofKaiseveralminutes,debating inwardlybeforespeakingagain.“WhenIwas16,Istarteddatingoneofmybrother’s friends.Insecret.Hewas21.Incollege.Itwasfun.Excitingatfirst.”Reneehesitated.“I don’tknowwhyI’mtellingyouthis.” “Youdon’tneedtotellmeanything,”hesaid,hisvoiceneutral,buthiseyes weren’t.Shecouldseethatwhatevershewasgoingtotellhim,hewouldn’tjudgeherfor it.Youcantrustme,theysaid.I’llunderstand. “Wewere...intimate.Myfirst‘real’boyfriend,”Reneesaidwithasadlaugh. “Butafterawhile...hestarted...takingme,evenwhenIdidn’twanthimto.”Shewas almostsurprisedbyhownonchalanthervoicewas,asifsheweretalkingabout somethingthathadhappenedtosomeoneelse,likearumorshe’dheardwhisperedin thebackofoneofherclasses. Kai’seyesdarkened,buthekepthisvoicelevel.“Heforcedhimselfonyou?” Reneeswallowed,nodded.“WhatwasIgoingtodo,though?”Shewrappedher armsaroundherself.It’salittlechillyinherewithoutmycoat,Reneetoldherself.“I wasn’tunderageanymore,anditwasmywordagainsthis,andhecomesfromanold, wealthyUptownfamily.Whowasgoingtobelievemewhenwe’dhadconsensualsex before?” Kaiexhaledsharplythroughhisnosebeforehiseyestrackedbackuptoher. “Sothat’swhatyou’rerunningfrom?Him?” Reneesighed,sankdownbesidehim.Shewatchedhimmoveontohisside: first,byplacinghishandsoneithersideofhishead,asifheweregoingtodopushups, pushingupandthenwalkinghishandstohelptwisthistorsotillhewasfacingher. Thenhereacheddowntoadjusthislegs,bendingthemslightlyattheknee.Thewhole processwasn’teffortless,butKaiwasevidentlyingoodshape,themusclessheknewhe hadlikelythebyproductofasolidworkoutregimen.Wouldheeverletherseethem? “Onlymygrandparents,myroommate,andnow,you,knowaboutwhatreally happenedbetweenus.MyparentskeephopingI’llcometomysensesandmarryhim.” Reneesighed.“Ijusthadtogetawayfromthat.Fromthem.” Kaistretchedoutonearm,restinghisheadonhisbicep.“I’daskwhyyoudon’t 74 tellthem,butthatwouldn’tevendojusticetothecliché‘pot:kettle.’”Hereachedoutfor herhand,andshelethimtakeit.Hiseyesfoundhers.“Iwantedtotakethingsslow betweenus...physically...anyway.Iwantthistobereal.Idon’twantanother relationshipthatstartswithsexandturnsintosomethingelselater.Iwant‘something else’toturnintosex.”Kaisighed,hisfacescrunchedup.“Thatsoundsawful.” Reneesmiled.“Iknowwhatyoumean.I’dlikethat,too.” Hesmiled,softandsweet,andbeckonedherclose.Shestretchedoutbeside him,lettinghimwraphisarmaroundher,herforeheadrestingagainsthischest. Somehow,inhiswarmembrace,shebelievedhewouldneverletanythingharmher. “Onequestion,”hesaidafterawhile,hisbreathsoftandwarmonthetopof herhead. “Yeah?” “WhenyousawmeinPT,foundoutthetruthaboutmydisability....Saidyou stillwantedme....Wasitpartiallybecauseyousawmeasnon-threatening?” Reneestiffened. “I’msorry.Ishouldn’thaveasked.” Butthenshestartedlaughing,pushingawaysoshecouldcoverhermouth.She triedtostop,butshecouldn’thelpit.“That’sfunny.” Hiseyebrowsdippedsternlyoverhiseyes,butallshesawinthemwasthat penetratingsadness,despitetherestofhisfaceremainingrelativelyneutral.“I’mthe kingoffindinghumorininappropriateplaces,butyou’velostmehere.” Shesuckedinabreathtogetherselfundercontrol.“Iknewyouwerestrong, butseeingyouinPTprovedthat.” NowitwasKai’sturntolaugh.“You’reright;thatisfunny.” “Really.AndthemoreIgettoknowyou,themoreIrealizeit’snotjustphysical strength.”ReneeworkedherfingersthroughKai’shair;itfellmidwaypasthisearsnow, andshetuckedafewstrandstotheside.“Judedidwhathedidtomebecause, ultimately,he’sacoward.”ShemetKai’seyes.“You’redefinitelynot.” Kaisighed,pushedhimselfontohisback,notbotheringtoshifthislegs,sohis pelvisremainedtwisted,likehewashalfwayintoastretchingroutine.Hestaredupward intothevastshadowsofthemultistoryceiling.“GuessIshouldn’tbesurprisedthis unconventionaldatetookacompletelyunconventionaldirection,conversation-wise.” Reneechuckled,settleddownbesidehimagain,tracingafingeralonghischest, downtohisstomach.“Allright.Howaboutatypicalfirst-datequestion,then?” “Blue,I’mallergic,andbasketballplayer.” Reneelaughed.“What?” “Myfavoritecolor,doIlikeanimals,andwhatIwantedtobewhenIwasakid. First-dateyenoughforyou?” Reneeletoutalong,trillinglaugh.“OK,fairenough.Red.Mymomhates animals,soweneverhadanypets.Architect.” ItwasKai’sturntolaughnow,richandfull.“Really.Yourpipedreamwhen youweresixwastobeanarchitect.Notarockstaroranastronaut.” Reneestuckhertongueoutathim.“Ididn’tknowwhatitwascalledthen,but yeah.IalwaysknewIwantedtodesignbuildings,evenwhenIwasalittlekid.” “Soyou’reliterallylivingthedream.” “Workingonit.”Shereachedover,laidahandonhisthigh,justbelowhiship, wonderingifhe’dpushheraway.Helookedather,butotherwisedidn’tmove.“What aboutyou?I’mguessingthebasketballthingdidn’tworkout?”Hercheekssuddenly 75 flushedhotandshepulledherhandaway.“I’msorry.I—” “It’sallright,Re,”hesaid.Hepushedhimselfup,walkinghishandsuntilhis torsowasupright.Supportinghimselfwithonehandsplayedonthefloor,heusedthe othertoadjusthislegs,firstpushingononesoitrotatedoutatthehip,thenreaching overtostraighteneachuntiltheywerestretchedoutinfrontofhim.Reneenoticedthey naturallyfelloutwardnow,hisfeetsplayed,sincehewasn’twearinghisbraces.The moreshewaswithhim,themoresherealizedeverymovementthatanyoneelsewould doeasilytookhimafewextrasteps;hehadsomecontrolinhiships,butotherwise,his legsdidn’tmoveunlessitwasbyspasmorhishandsguidingthem. ...Andthemoresherealizedhowmuchshelovedbeingwithhim,watching himexecuteeachcalculatedmove,thoughheneverseemedtothinkabouthowhe’ddo something.Shesupposedhe’dhadplentyoftimetolearnhowtomanipulatehisbody. “Comehere,”hesaid,noddingtohislap.“It’sOK.” He’dexplainedabouthisinjuredrightleg,butapparentlyitwashealedenough hecouldtakeherweight.Itmadeherblush,imaginingclimbingintohislapwhenhe wasinhischair,wrappingherlegsaroundhisbackrestandkissinghimlongandhard untiltheybothwerepantingforbreath.Sheclimbedoverhislegs,herkneesbent,sitting onhercalves,herhandsonhisshoulders,lookingintohiseyes.Thecandlelightwas dimming;soonthey’dhavetoheadback,butfornowshewasgoingtoenjoyhim. “I’mabigboy.I’mprettysure,shortof‘goodbye,Ineverwanttoseeyou again,’there’snothingyoucouldsaytomethatwouldhurtmyfeelings.”Heshiftedhis weightontohisrightarm,liftedhislefttoguidehisfingersalongthesideofherface, justagraze.Italwaysmadehereyelidsdriftdownwardasthepleasanttinglecoursed throughher.“Idon’twantyoutobeafraidofbeinghonestwithme.OK?” Shenodded;formingwordsseemedtobetoochallengingrightnow.She reflexivelyshiftedinhislap,pressingtheircrotchesclosertogether.Hisarmwobbled, andhehadtodrophisotherhandtokeephimselfupright. Heletoutashort,reflexivemoan.“Re.” Shesmiled,kissedhim,hardandprobing,feelinghissmileandhiswarmth somewhereelse.Sheagreedwithhimthattheyshouldtakethingsslow,butmakingout wasstillonthebooks,right?Herlipsdriftedtohischeek,hischin,hisjaw,hisneck, untilshegottothescarhealwayshid;shecouldbarelyseeit,partiallymaskedbyhis collar,andshewonderedifsheshouldn’tpressherluck,buthewasbreathingheavily, hewashardandusinghishandstopushhimselfclosertoher,soshedecidedtotakea risk.Shekissedtheedgeofit,lickinghisskinjustaboveit,waitingforhimtotenseand pullaway.Hedidfreezeforaninstant,buthedidn’tstopher. “Willyoutellmeaboutyourscarsoneday?” Hesighed.“Yes.Butnottoday,OK?” Shepulledback,wrappedherarmsaroundhim.“Letmeguess:notfirst-date material?”Shegrinned,hopinghe’dgetthereference.Itwassomethinghe’dtoldherthe daythey’dkissedthefirsttime. Hesmiled,relaxed,sighedagain,thoughthistimeitwassoft,notoneof frustration.“Yes.Exactly.” “OK,fairenough.Howaboutanotherfirst-dateyquestion,then.Favorite movie?” “Don’thaveone.Haven’treallyseenmanymovies,tobehonest.” “You’rekidding.YouquotedPrincessBridetometheotherday.” Helaughed,walkedhishandsbackwards,sunktohiselbows,thendropped 76 downsohewaslyingflatagain.“BecausewhenwefinallygotaVHSplayeratCounty House,itwasoneoftheonlymovieswehad,andallthegirlswereinlovewithCary Elwes,sothey’dwatchitoverandover.Plus,itwasoneofthefewfilmsmyroommate liked,mostlyforthefightingscenes.Icouldprobablyinterpretthatmovieinmysleep.” “Well,it’soneofmyfavorites,”shesaid,climbingoffandsnugglingupbeside him. “AndnowyouhaveyourveryownWestley?ShouldIsay‘Asyouwish’?”His tonewasslightlysardonic. “Can’tblameagirlforfallinginlovewithgoldenhairandblueeyes.” Heturnedhishead,lookingather,incredulous. Shepusheduponherelbowsoshewasgazingdownathim.“Youreallydon’t thinkmuchofyourself,doyou?” “Pleasedon’ttellmeyou’redatingmebecauseI’msomecrippledCaryElwes fantasy,”hesaidonasigh.“Ineedsomeonefirmlyinreality.Ithoughtyouunderstood that.”Kaipushedhimselfup,grabbedhiswheelchairandpulleditcloser.Heplantedhis handsontheseatandleveredhisbodyoffthegroundandintothechair,pushedup untilhewassittingallthewayintoit.Shesatupontoherkneesasshewatchedhim placehisfeetonthefootrest,hislegsinertuntilhereleasedthem,atwhichpointhisleft legbegantojump.Itwassubtle,likethewayyoumightjiggleyourkneewhenyou’re restless.Itmeanthewasstressed,ortired,orboth. “Whathappenedto‘nothingyoucansaywillupsetme’?” Kaisighedheavily.“I’msorry.Youweretryingtocomplimentme,andI...”He shookhishead.“Insteadofmovies,Ihadbooks.Artusedtoletmeborrowsome.Hewas theonlyonewhoevercametovisitme.”Kaibent,snatchedoneoftheblanketsand startedfoldingit. Reneefollowedhislead,foldinguptheotherblanket.Sherememberedher briefvisittoCountyHouse,howmuchithadmeanttoKaitomaketheholidayspecial forthosekids,howtheireyeshadlitupwhenthey’dseenthetwoofthemarrive,the laughterandthejoyfromsomestore-boughttreatsandafewsimplegames.ItputKai’s statement,saidflatlyenoughinhisnormal,nonchalantstyle,takeonamuchsadderair. ArthadapparentlybeentheonlypersoninKai’slifeforhowmanyyears?Ten?Twelve? Who’dcaredenoughtogoseehim,tobringhim“gifts.”Growingupinahugefamily, Reneecouldn’tevenbegintoimaginewhatthatmusthavefeltlike. “That’swhyhewassoreadytodefendyou.”Itcameoutlikearealization insteadofaquestion. Kaishrugged,pushedtotheedgeoftheclearedareatogetthebaghe’dpacked theblanketsin.“MyfavoriteisHamlet.Iknowit’saplay,butI’veneverseenit.” Reneestoppedhalfwaythroughherfolding.“You’rekidding.” Heshookhishead,shovedtheblanketintheduffel. “Well,we’llhavetofixthatandaddafewmoviestoyourrepertoireinthe process.Maybeseconddate?” “Maybe.”Heloopedthestrapoverhishead,thenwheeledtowardher,taking theotherblanket.Shesawthathauntedlookinhiseyes,thoughhetriednottomeether gaze.“IalsoalwayslikedTheOdysseyandTomJones.AndCountofMonteCristo.” “Theclassics.”Adventures.Thekindofbooksaboycouldreadandlive vicariouslythrough,Reneerealized.Shehelpedhimstuffthepillowintothebagandzip itshut.“IusedtospendmysummerspouringoverartandarchitecturebooksI’dcheck outfromthemainpubliclibrary.I’madork,Iknow.” 77 “Youreallydidalwaysknowwhatyouwantedtobe,huh,”Kaiobservedinan indeterminatetone,noticingshewaspackingawaytheirtrashandTupperwareintothe backpackKaihadbroughtwiththem,sohewentaroundblowingoutthecandlesthat werestilllit. “Andyoudidn’t?” Kailethimselfglidetoastop,hisbacktoher.“AsIsaidbefore,kidslikeme learnprettyquickdreamingisfutile.It’sbesttotakethingsonedayatatime.” Reneeapproached,layingahandonhisshoulder. Heglancedback,carefullyturningaroundinasmoothcircle;shesteppedout ofhisway. “Haveyoueverbeenhappy,Kai?” Helookeddown,away.“I’vehadmoments.AfewIremember,withmy brother,beforeourparentsdied.Somegoodtimeswithmyroommateormyhighschool friend.SomewithBecca,inthebeginning.”Heshrugged.“Likeeverythinginmylife, happinessisrelative.” Reneeliftedthestrapoverhishead,settingtheduffelaside,thenclimbedinto hislap,sideways,herlegsdanglingoff,herarmswrappedaroundhisneck.“Iwantto makeyouhappy,Kai.Reallyhappy.Smilingthatraregenuinesmileofyoursuntilyour cheekshurt.” AshadeofthatsmileslippedontoKai’sface.“Asyouwish.” 78 November8,2000 Kaisatinthefrontrowofhishistoryclass,inhiswheelchair,strugglingtoremaincalm, focusingonthetouchofRenee’shandinhis.Shesatbesidehiminaricketystandalone deskasshehadeversincethey’dreconnectedviahersurprisePTvisit.He’dinsistedshe didn’thavetobeuncomfortableorsitrightinthefrontonhisaccount,butshehad simplysmiledandsaid,“I’llsitonthefloor,orinachairwithoutadesk,ifthat’swhatit takestositbesideyou.”Andsoshehad,atfirst,sittinginaregularchair,herlegsfolded up,usingthesurfaceoftheirtextbooktowriteon,untiltheprofessorhadrequesteda deskbebroughtinforher. Todaytheygottheresultsoftheirmidterm;sincethetestwasmultiplechoice andusedabubblesheet,itwasscoredbycomputer,sotheydidn’tneedtowaitfortheir grades.Kaihaddosedhimselfupwithdrugstotrytocontrolhisanxiety,buthefeltthat dizzy,detachedfeelingthatsometimesprecededanattack,sohetookslowbreathsand triedtoremindhimselfitwasjustatest.He’dsurvivedfarworseordealsthanhistory, afterall. “I’lladmit,youguysimpressedme,”theteachersaidtothecrowd.Heturnedto facetheboard,drawingalargenumber105.“Thatwasthehighscore:perfect,plusthe bonusquestions.Andthelow.”Heturnedbacktotheboard,drawinga22onthe oppositeside.KaireflexivelysqueezedRenee’shandtighter.Ifthatwashisscore,there wasnopossiblewayhecouldrecoverfromthatandpassthesemester.Thenthe professordrewabellcurveconnectingeachnumber,andatthepeak,hedrew75.“But theclassaveragewasasolid75,whichisjustright.Someofyoudidverywelland showedsomerealimprovement.” Next,theprofessorbegancallingoutstudents’namesonebyonesoeach personcouldcomeforwardandcollecthisorherscoredanswersheet,alongwithacopy ofthetest,iftheywantedtouseittoseewhichquestionsthey’dmissed.Kaiwasgrateful forhischosenlastname—Fox—insteadofhisfamilyname—Taylor—becauseitmeant lessstresswaiting.Atthesametime,italsomeanthe’deitherhavetoputofflookingat thegradelongerorspendmoretimeinclassagonizingoveritifhedid. “K.Fox,”theprofessorcalled,andReneehadtotaphimontheshouldertoget himtosnapbackfromhisthoughts. Kaipushedtheshortdistancetothefronttable,acceptinghisbubblesheet fromtheteacher. “I’dliketospeakwithyouafterclass.” Kaiswallowed,nodded,andsnaggedacopyofthetestfromthepile,shoving bothpapersbetweenhislegsandreturningtohisspotnexttoRenee. Shesmiledathimencouragingly,butdidn’tspeak;theprofessor’svoice continuedtodroneoutnames. Kaismoothedoutthepapersinhislap,debatingaboutwhetherornothe shouldlooknoworlater.Finally,hedecidedhe’dratherknow,andglancedatthe computer’sprintedscore. 71. 71! 71!Kai’sheartraced.ACminus!Asmilebloomedonhisfaceuntilhis happinesswashitwiththehammerofrealization.TheprofessorhadaskedtoseeKai afterclass.DidthatmeanhethoughtKaihadcheated?Buthow?Kaitookthetestina 79 studyroominthetutoringcenter,withaproctor.Though,granted,thewomanhad spentmostofthetimepretendingtoreadabookwhileactuallystaringatKai’sspasming legs. Asifoncue,hiskneesbegantobobasynchronously.Reneelaidherhandon his,whichhehadsecuringhisrightthigh,asifthatwouldsomehowprotectit,as ridiculousastheideawas. Finally,theprofessorfinishedhandingoutthegradedtestsandflippedthrough acopyoftheanswerkey.“I’mgoingtoreviewsomeofthemostcommonlymissed questionsfortheremainderofclass,butIencourageyoutogothroughyourownexams athomeasyouprepareforthefinal,which,letmeremindyou,isonlyfiveweeksaway.” Heclearedhisthroat.“Thefirstmost-missedquestionwasnumber10,whichasked, ‘WhichcenturywasaffectedbytheBlackPlague?’Thecorrectanswerwas‘D:Allofthe above,’becausewhilethefourteenthcenturycertainlywasmostimmediatelyaffected, therepercussionsoftheBlackDeathwentfarbeyondthat.Somearguethateven modernevents,suchasworldwars,maynothaveoccurredwereitnotforthe devastationofthe13oos.It’sonereasonwhyit’ssoimportanttostudyhistory-thepast canhavesignificantramificationsonthefuture,evengenerationslater.” KaiglancedoveratRenee,whowas,ofcourse,takingnotesoneverythingthe professorwassaying.HehadtotellherabouthisFS,histransplant.Soon.Itwasn’tfair tohertotakethisrelationshipmuchfartherwithoutherknowingwhatshewasgetting herselfinto,andmorethanthat,hedidn’twanttohideitfromher.Pretendingand hidingwereexhausting:hewantedtobeabletobeopenandhonestandjusthimself withher. Shenoticedhimlookingather,droppedherpenandreachedoutforhishand, offeringasweet,gentlesmile.Hedidn’twanttoloseher,whichhemight,onceshe realizedhowtrulyfuckeduphisbodywas,butit’dbebetterforthembothtohurtnow ratherthanlater. ReneehadpromisedtowaitforKaioutsideuntilhe’dfinishedtalkingtotheirteacher, agreeingtogobacktohisplacetoreviewthetesttogether.Kaiknewhishandswere shakingsubtly,andhetriedtofocusonhappythoughtsandnottheswirlofnegative emotionsthatthreatenedtooverwhelmhimifheletthem.Hehadagoodgradeonhis midterm,andReneeonlysmiledlikethat,warmandsweet,forhim.Whatever happenedinthenextfewhours,hehadtorememberthat,atleast. Finally,theprofessorgesturedforKaitocomeforward,takingaseatatthe chairbythefronttabletokeepthemmoreateyelevel.ThatmadeKai’spulsespike— mostpeopledidn’tworryaboutlookingdownathimwhenhewasinthechair,so makingtheconsciousdecisiontosit....Deepbreath,Kai,hetriedtoassurehimself. Maybetheprofessorwasjusttired. “Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutyourtest,”theprofessorsaid,onceKaiwas parkedacrossfromhim. Kaiswallowed.IftheteacherthoughtKaicheated,didthatmeanhehadto retakethetest?Kaiwasn’tsurehecouldgothroughthatagain. “It’sallright,”theprofessorsaid,asifnoticingKai’sagitation.“Iwantedtotell yougoodjobontheexam.It’snicetoseeastudentworkinghardandhavinghiseffort payoff.” Kailetloosealong,whooshingbreath. “Thisgradesignificantlybumpsyouupforthesemester.Rightnow,you’re 80 passingwithaDminusaverage.Wehaveonemoreregulartest,acouplequizzes,and thefinal.Aslongasyoupassallthose,you’llbeabletomoveontothenextsemester.” Theprofessorsmiledencouragingly.“Registrationstartsnextweek;signupformyclass. Ihaveconfidencethatifyoudowhateveritwasyoudidtoprepareforthemidterm,you shouldbefine.Andifyouhaveanymajorhealthissuesthatforceyoutomissclassor anythinglikethat,cometalktomeandwe’llworksomethingout.Allright?”Heoffered Kaihishand. “Thankyou,sir,”Kaisaid,shaking. “Ionlypretendtobeaheartlessbastard.Gottakeepthefreshmanscared,or theywalkalloveryou,”hesaidwithachuckle.“You’reagoodstudent,Kai.Ilook forwardtoseeingyouagainnextyear.” Kairolledintothediningarea,hisbackpackinhislap.Hesetitonthetable,butquickly abandoneditwhenReneeleanedforwardtokisshisear,makinghimarchhisshoulders intohertouch.“Congratsonthetest.Iknewyoucoulddoit.” Heturnedaroundcarefully,pullingherintohislap,caressingherinawaythat wasbothhungryyetprotective.Hishandsweresolargeonhersmallframe,andit amazedherhowhistouch,evenwhenhewasn’tspecificallytryingtoarouseher,sether entirebodyalight.Itwaslikehewastryingtomemorizehereverycurveandanglewith hisfingertips.Reneesearchedhiseyes.Theywereimpenetrable,disturbinglysadand distant,despitethewayhewasnowrockingherintohim,immediatelymakingher breathcomeinpantinggasps.They’dpromisedtogoslow,andsomehow,sheknewhe’d respectherifsheaskedhimtostop,butshedidn’twantto.Sheonlywantedtoseethat horriblefearandvacancyleavehiseyes. “Kai—”shestartedtosay,buthesilencedherprotestwithakiss. Thiskisswasunlikeanythey’devershared,epicinitsdepthandpassionasKai kissedherasifitwerehislastchance.Itstretchedforseveralminutes,barelyallowing eitherofthembreath,makingReneedizzy,thoughshedidn’twantittoend.Henipped atherlipsandencouragedhertonipback,pressinghercloser,andshecouldfeelso muchemotioninthewayhegrippedherandmovedhistongueagainsthers,asifhehad somehowdistilledhimselfintoanessenceandwereattemptingtoemptyitintoher.As if,throughthiskiss,evenmorethanthoseinthepast,hecouldtellhereveryoneofhis manysecrets,thestoryofthepastthatoftenhauntedthosebeautifulblueeyes, transferringhismemoriestohersothatshewouldsharethemwithoutforcinghimto relivethem. AndReneewondered—asherheartbeatpainfullyinherchest,hernipples achinglyhardandherbodyincreasinglydesperatetofeelhiminsideher,alonginglike shehadn’texperiencedsinceherearlydayswithJude—ifwhathe’dstartedtotellhera fewnightsagohadanythingtodowiththis.Especiallyasthekisscontinued,stillheated, yetsomehowbecomingmoredesperate,asifhewouldloseherassoonasitended. Reneefinallypushedhimawaywithagentlehandonhisshoulder.Hiseyes werereluctanttoopen,butwhentheydid,thatsadnessstillremained,thoughhetried toclearitwithblinking.Hestutteredoutanapologythroughpantingbreaths,and Reneefoundherselfwrappingherarmsaroundhiminahug,herlipsathisear. “Tellmewhat’swrong,Kai,”shewhispered. Hegentlyguidedherback,thenoffhislap,lookingupatherwithasigh.His facewasblank,yethiseyesagaingavehimaway,andshewasn’tsureifhewastryingto putuphisneutralmaskandfailing.“Weneedtotalk,”hesaidinthetonelessvoice 81 Reneehatedevenmorethanthemask.Didhewanttobreakupwithher?Wasthatwhy he’dkissedherlikehe’dneverdosoagain?Herheartspedupasherbrainracedwith explanations:ithadonlybeenacoupleweekssinceshe’dwalkedinonhiminPT,but everythinghadseemedgoodbetweenthem.TheirdateSundayhadbeenuniqueand perfect. “OK,”sheforcedherselftosayinacalmvoice. Heglancedbackatthetable,smoothinghishandanxiouslyonhisthigh.“I needtostretchfirst.Couldyou...couldyoustartgoingthroughthetest?Seewhich questionsImissedsowecangooveritlater?Myanswersheetandthequestionsshould beinmybook.” Reneeletoutalongbreath,nodded.“Sure.” Kaismiledather,tired,butnotforced,beforeturninganddisappearinginto hisbedroom. ReneeopenedthemainpocketofKai’sbackpack.Asneatastheapartment was,orevenKai’sroom,hisbagwasaperpetualdisasterofcrumpledpapersmashed intobooksandnotebooks.Sheshookherheadassheextractedhishistorytext,not surprisedwhenaflutterofpapersfelloutofit. Annoyed,shestoopedtocollectthem,gratefulKaihadgivenheratask, becausewaitingtohearwhatthosedreadedthreewordsinarelationshipmeant—We needtotalk—weregoingtobeagony.Kaiusuallyneededtostretchintheafternoons, whichshe’dlearnednotlongafterthey’dreconnected.Butheneverdiditinher presence,anditusuallytookatleastfifteentothirtyminutes.Maybebecausehetookoff hisclothes?Nowthatshethoughtaboutit,hedidusuallyreemergewearingsomething else,comfortableloungingclothesinsteadofthejeansandnewershirtshenormally woretoclass. Shefoundthebubblesheetfromthemidtermeasily,butthetestwasmoreofa challenge.Shepausedwhenshenoticedanessay:Hubris:ANecessaryJourney?The headingonthefrontpageclearlyindicateditwasfortheirEnglishcompclass,but Reneecouldn’trecallanyassignmentremotelyclosetothetopicofarrogantpride.And assheheavedthepacketinherhand,sherealizeditwaslong—muchlongerthantheir usual2-5pagehomeworkessays. Shewasabouttostuffitbackinhisbagwiththerestofthemiscellanywhen shehappenedtoreadtheopeningline:Four-hundred,twenty-threedaysago,a double-lungtransplantsavedmylife. Renee’sheadpoppedup,shocked.Double-lungtransplant.Thewordswere stilltherewhenshelookedagain.Andthenumberofdaysequatedtomorethanayear ago.Memoriesstartedswirlingbacktoher:Nancy,askingifitwastoosoonforKaitobe backatschool.ArttellingherKaihad“beenthroughalot.”Kaitalkingaboutsevere allergiesbutneverquiteadmittingtoasthma.Andallthoseprescriptionbottles.The scarsshe’dseenglimpsesof,butthathe’dnevertalkabout.Theotherday,whenhe’d beguntoexplainwhyhewasonlystartingcollegenow. Reneedidn’tknowmuchaboutmedicine,butatransplantwasabigdeal.It meanthehadtohavebeenverysick.Possiblyforalongtime.She’dseenpersonal intereststoriesonthenewsbefore,withgaunt,desperatefacesofpeoplewaitingfora neworgan.Apparently,despitehispromisestobemoreforthcoming,thepaperinher handmadeReneerealizehowlittlesheknewKai. Partofherthoughtsheshouldignoretheessay,waitforKai’sreturn.Maybe thiswaswhatthe“weneedtotalk”wasabout?Butithurt,adeep,burninginthecenter 82 ofherchestthatdroveitswayuptohereyes,tearswantingtospringfromthem,that Kaicouldwriteaboutthis,thathecouldsharesuchasignificantpartofhislifewith theirteacher,andnotwithher. Soshekeptreading. KaitalkedabouttheGreeks,aboutOdysseusandhowhedefiedthegodsand waspunished,doomedtoroamtheseasforyearsbeforeeverreturninghome,before evergettingtolivethelifehe’dalwaysdreamedof.ThenKaicomparedhimselfto Odysseus,talkingalittleabouthisownlife,growingupanorphan,inagrouphome,sick allthetime,andhowhecouldrelatetotheill-fatedGreekking. Therearetimesinlifewhereyoufeelabandonedbythegods,asifany achievementsyoumakearesolelytheresultofyourownwill.I’mnotpersonallysure ifthereisaGodorgodsweavingtheweboftheuniverse;basedonmyexperience,I’m inclinedtowardskepticismratherthanmiracles,ironicasonemayfindthat.Perhaps thereallessonoftheOdysseyisn’tonlyaboutpridebeingman’sdownfall,butrather thatsometimes,amanhastoearnwhathegets.WouldOdysseushavebeenas gratefulforhisfamily,asproudofhisson,ifhe’dreturnedimmediatelyhomeafter war? Ispentfartoomuchofmyyoungerchildhoodwonderingwhatmylifewould havebeenlikeifI’dbeen“normal.”IfIhadn’tbeensick.Disabled.IfI’dgrownupwith myparentsandsiblingslikeanyotherkid.Wouldsomethingassimpleaspassingthis classmeanasmuchtome? AndtherearemomentswhenIwonderifI,likeOdysseus,wasnevermeantto “comehome.”Theveryactoftransplantationisitsownlevelofhubris,thatmancan lookinthefaceofnature,muchthewayOdysseusdidtoPoseidon,andsay,“No,not today.”Therearedays,darkdays,justasOdysseushadalonghisjourney,whenI thinkImayhavebeenbettergivingin,notacceptingthetransplant,andletting someoneelsegettheirsecondchance.ButthenIrememberhowhardmybrother foughtformylife,thatsomeoneelsechosetogivepartofthemselvessothatsomeone theydidn’tknow,couldneverknow,likeme,couldlive.Thatsomewhereelse,thereare otherswho,maybe,finallyfoundtheirwaytotheirownIthacas,withanewheartor liverorkidney. Renee’seyesfilledassheread,seeingthisintimateinsightintoKai’spsyche andexperienceshehadn’tyetrevealedtoher.Hiswritingwassogood,sogenuine, withouttheusualpretenceormaskinghesooftendidinlifebyreflex.Butshealsocried forherself,forthehurtshefeltathavingtoreadabouthisliferatherthanhearingit fromhisownlips.Couldshebelievethathewantedherwhenheobviouslydidn’ttrust herenoughtosharesuchanimportantdetailofhislife? It’strite,butmyjourneyisn’tquiteover;insomeways,it’sonlybegunthese pasteightmonths,asI’msuddenlyfacedwithaworldofstrangeandforeign possibilities.LikeOdysseusfinallycominghomeyethavingtofightforhiscrownand hisfamily,Itoo,mustfindmywayinthisnewworld.Itisn’talwayseasy,andIstill oftencursethegods—whodoesn’t?—butI’malive.Ican.Hubrisgotmehere,justlike Odysseus. Ijusthavetohope,whenthefinallinesofmystoryaresung,thatitwillall havebeenworthit. Reneewasbawlingasshefinishedtheessay,skimmingthroughthehalfpage ofcommentstheirprofessorhadleftinredink,praisingKaiforhiswritingtalent,forhis hubrisincomparinghimselftoOdysseus,andhiscourageforfinallybeinghonestinhis 83 work. A+++.ThisisoneofthefinestpiecesofwritingIhaveeverreadinallmy yearsofteachingfreshmancomposition.I’mnotencouragingyoutopurposefullyskip classorassignments,butthisisthepiecethatprovestomeyou’vemasteredthisclass anddeserveanA.ComeseemesometimeasI’dliketodiscussusingthisasasampleto encouragefuturestudents. Reneewasstillcrying,clutchingthepaperinherhands,whenthecreakofKai’s chaircaughtherbysurprise.Shelookedupthroughherveiloftears,notcaringwhether hewasmadatherforreadingit. Hisexpression,unsurprisingly,wasdifficulttointerpret,aswashistone.“Isee youreadmyEnglishcompmakeuppaper.” “Howcouldyoutellourprofessorallthis,butnotme?”Reneesaidinaquiet voice,notbotheringtowipeawayhertears. Kaisaidnothing,hisfingertipsfidgetingonhisrims,hisheadlowered,hiding hiseyes. “Itoldyouthemostsecretthingaboutmylife,”Reneesobbed.“AboutJude. Andyoucouldn’ttellmeyoualmostdiedlastyear?”Shetossedthepagesathim,feeling sick,likeDianehadbeenrightallalong,thatReneehadputhertrustinamanwhoused herandbetrayedher. Hepushedcloser,thepapercrumplingunderhiswheels,stoppingwhentheir kneestouched.Hehesitatedamoment,thenpulledoffhisshirt. Hisbodywasperfectfromthewaistup,evenbetterthanshe’dimagined,long andlean,gentlysculpted,hispaleskinoutliningthemusclesbeneath.Buttheperfection wasmarredbynumerousscars—theprominentsternalscar,andmorebeneathhispecs, onhisabdomen,andtheoneathisneck.Asimplechainnecklacewithseveraldogtags restedagainsthischest,andashebreathed,theyshifted,andshenoticedthered caduceus.She’dneverseentheminreallife,butshe’dspottheadseverytimeshewent tothepharmacy.Medicalalertjewelry,soparamedicswouldbeawareofhiscondition immediately,evenifhewereunconscious.Thethoughtmadeherstomachlurch.Even morethanthescars,somehowthenecklacemadeeverythingreal:Kaihadanother person’slungsinsidehimnow,andtheyweretheonlythingthathadkepthimalivethe pastyear.Theonlyreasonsheandhehadevenbeenabletomeet. “Theysplitmysternumhere,”hesaidclinically,slidinghisfingeralongthe scar,“andalsowentinhere,andhere,”headded,pointingtothescarsbeneathhispecs. “Triedtoreconnectthenerves.This,”hepointedtoafaintscaronhisabdomen,“was wheremyfeedingtubewas.Andthis,”hesaidwithanervousintakeofair,pointingto hisneck,“iswhereIhadatubeinmytracheathatconnectedtoamachinethatkeptme breathing.” Renee’sangermelted,seeingthetensioninthosefantasticshoulders,thefear hedidn’ttrytohideinhisblueeyes.Suddenly,thehauntedlook,thekiss,ofearlierall madesense.Kaiwasterrified—ofwhat?Thatshewouldchangehermindaboutthem? Whateverthecase,heheldhimselfstiffly,likeachildbracinghimselfforthebelt.It madeherstomachache. Reneereachedoutforhim,pullingherfingersbackwhenhereflexivelyshirked fromhertouch,butthenforcedhimselftorelax,noddingsubtlytosignalitwasOK.She letherselfexplorehim,touchhisbareskinbelowtheneckandabovethewristlikehe’d neverletherbefore,tillatlastshereachedthecircularpuckeredscarjustnorthofhis clavicle. 84 “Doesithurt?”sheasked,herfingershesitatingaboveit. “No,”hesaidwithabobofhisAdam’sapple.“It’sjust...ugly.Itfreakspeople out.” Reneeshookherhead,delicatelytracingtheoutlineofthescar.“Notme. Nothingaboutyoudoes.Ithoughtyouknewthatalready.” Kaibroughthishanduptoherforearm,ghostinghisownfingersalongher skin.“Iwantedtotellyousomanytimes,”Kaisaid.“Itried.Theothernight.”Hesighed. “Butthere’sneverexactlyagoodmomenttosay,‘Oh,hey,Ialmostdiedlastyear,but thenIgotsomedeadguy’slungs,soI’mgood.’” Reneecuppedhischeek.“Kai.Youdon’thavetodothatwithme.” Helaughed,buthiseyesbetrayedawariness.“What?” “Hide.Pretend.” Kaibreathedinandoutafewtimesbeforefinallymeetinghereyes;hiswere open,deepblue,filledwiththatpiercingsadnessshesawfartoooften.“Mylifehas taughtmethatwheneversomethinggoodhappens,somethingbadalmostalways follows.Youmakemehappy,Re,and...that...”Heswallowed,lookedaway.“Terrifies me.” Reneesankintohislap,wrappedherarmsaroundhim,layingherheadonhis shoulder.“Didyouthinkifyoutoldmeaboutthis,”shesaid,guidingafingeralonghis sternalscar,“Iwouldchangemymindaboutyou?” Kaiheldhertighteragainsthim,butdidn’trespond. “Isyourbrothercominghomeanytimesoon?” Kai’sbreathhitchedamoment,asifsurprisedbyherquestion.“Today’shis firstfullnightoffindays.He’swithVicky.” Reneenodded,kissedhisneck,thenclimbedbackoff.“Comeon,”shesaid, leadinghimtohisroom.“We’llstudylater.” Kai’sroomlookedthesameasithadafewdaysearlier,thoughhisbedwasneatly unmade,thesheetsfoldeddownattheendandhispillowcollectionstackedofftothe side,outoftheway.Sheturnedtofacethedoorandsawhimwheelinslowly,still shirtless,hisfacevacant.Hepausedinthemiddleoftheroom,asifwaitingforher prompt.SoReneesettleddownontheedgeofhisbed,pattingthespacebesideher. Wordlessly,heapproached,aligninghischairandquicklyheavinghisbodyout ofitandontothemattress.Asheadjustedhisposition,shenoticedhisrightlegwas bobbing,butheignoredit.Reneetookoneofhishands,kissedhisknuckles,thengaveit areassuringsqueeze. “Soeverythingintheessayistrue?” Kaitookalong,slowbreath.Nodded. TheessayhadtoldKai’shistory:achildhoodspentstrugglingforair,the pneumoniasthathadultimatelydestroyedhislungs,andhislongjourneytowardwhere hewasrightnow,sittingbesideher,desperatelytryingtomaintainhiscalmthoughshe couldseehisemotionsstrugglingtobursttheseams. “Andthestoryaboutyour21stbirthday?” Kailoweredhiseyes.Nodded. Intheessay,Kaihadexplained,My21stbirthdaywasonlysixweeksbefore mytransplant,butofcourse,atthetime,noneofusknewthat.Weallfigureditwould bemylast.Ispentmostofmytimeeitherasleepordruggedthoselastfewweeks,but mybrothermadesureIwasawakeforatleastpartofthatday,tryinghisbesttobe 85 cheerfulformysake.WheneverhevisitedmeandIwasconscious,he’dalwaysremind methat“todaycouldbetheday,”andhowhemanagedtohidethefearandsadness fromhiseyesIknowhehadtohavefeltsurprisesmestill.Perhapsthatwasthedoctor inhim. Hebroughtmeapieceofcake—arealpieceofcake,notonefromthehospital cafeteria,becauseheknewhowmuchIlikedsweets,andIremember—thoughhow,I’m nothonestlysure,asmostofthefinaldaysareablur—howmuchthatseemingly innocentdessertmademewanttocry. Formyfirstfewmonthswithmytracheostomy—atubeinmyneck,connected toamachinethathelpedmebreathe—Iwasstillstrongenoughandmylungshealthy enoughIusedavalvethatenabledmetosmellandtastefood,soIcouldstillswallow andspeak.Byaboutsixmonthsbeforemytransplant,Icouldnolongertoleratethe valve,evenforshortperiodsoftime,becauseitmadebreathingsomuchharder.Itried aspecialkindoftubenext,withholesinitthatwouldatleastletmehavealimited senseofsmellandsomespeech,butswallowingwasdifficult,andsoonIgotafeeding tubeinmystomachandstoppedeatingbymouthentirely. ByJune,mybirthmonth,Icouldn’tgetenoughventilation—adoctor’sfancy wayofsayingtheamountofoxygengettingintomylungs—withthespecialtube.SoI haditreplacedwithasolidonethatfitsnuginsidemytracheawithaballoon.Theless airthatleakedfromit,themorethatgotintomyfailinglungs,themoreoxygenthat madeitswayintomyblood.Butthechangemeantmysenseoftasteandsmellwere gone.Completely,sinceairdidn’tgoupintomymouthandnose.Icouldalsonolonger speak.Atall.Forseveralweeksbeforemybrotherpresentedmewithmybirthday cake,Ihadbeenunabletosmell,taste,ortalk,andthoughIknowhedidn’tmakethe gesturewithmalice,itfeltthatway. Especiallywhenwetriedtoadjusttheballoonthatheldmytubeinplacejust enoughsoIcouldsmell,maybeeventasteatinypieceofmybirthdaytreat,andI almostpassedoutfromalackofoxygen. Soitwasmorethanthecakeitselfthathadmebattlingtearsthatday—but whatitrepresented.LikeOdysseus’shopeofseeinghishomeoncemore,tantalizingly closeandyetimpossiblyfar,somethingIbelievedI’dneverexperienceagain.That cakewasmyfuture,comingfromaworldoutsidethehospital,apartfromdoctorsand nursesandnever-endingdaysofwaiting. AfutureIcouldn’ttakein.Couldn’ttaste.Couldn’tsmell.Couldn’texperience. Asunrealasaphotograph,yetfrustratinglymaterial. Evenafterourfailedattempttogetmetotasteandsmellmycake,Irefusedto letmyselfbreakdowninfrontofmybrother.Whohadsungmehappybirthday anyway,andinsistedImakeawish,eventhoughwecouldn’thavecandlesandI couldn’thaveblownthemoutevenifwehad.Howdesperatelyhe’dtried,asmiserable andhopelessasitwas,tomakethedayspecialforme. Whileotherguyscelebratetheir21stgettingdrunkwiththeirfriends,Ispent mineinahospitalbed,staringatapieceofcake,asugaryreminderofdeath. “Whatdidyouwishfor?” Kaitookinaharshbreath,shookhishead.Theobviousanswerwouldhave beentofindamatchandfinallygetatransplant,butifKaididn’tofferthatreply, perhapsitmeanthiswishhadbeendarker.HadKaiwishedfordeath?Thethoughtsent achillthroughRenee’sveins,butshedidherbesttonodandleavethetopicalonefor now. 86 ReneegaveKaiamoment,finallysqueezinghishand.“Soyourmemory problems...?” Kainodded.“Notenoughoxygentomybrain,”hesaid,pointingtohishead, tryingtosmilewryly,butfailing.“Allthingsconsidered,I’mlucky,”hesaidwithashrug. “AndIusedtobeworse.Icouldhardlyfollowaconversationatfirst.”Kaipickedatthe sheets,hisfocusonhisfingersinsteadofher.“Itwasreallyfrustrating.Sometimes,I’d havetostopalmostmidsentence,becauseitwaslikethethoughtsdisappearedassoon asIformedthem.Likeoneofthosepeoplewhostumblesthroughajokebutcan’t rememberthepunchline.” “Wow,”Reneesaid,smoothinghisskinwithherthumb.“It’shardlynoticeable now.” Kaishrugged.“Partofmyrehabaftermytransplantwascognitive.Plus,I’ve learnedsometricksandcanhideitmostofthetime.IfI’minterrupted,though,there’s usuallyagoodchancewhateverIwasgoingtosayisgoneforever.”Hissmilelooked painful.“ThoughI’msureyou’llseemoreofitthelongeryou’rewithme.”Hisvoice trailedoffonthoselastfewwords. “Andthecoughing?Theothernight.” Kaiinhaled.“Becauseofthetransplant,mylungsdon’tclearontheirownvery well,soIhavetoforcemyselftocoughatleasttwiceaday,togetallthegunkout.” “Butyou’reOKnow,right?BackonIthaca,battlefoughtandwon.Timeto claimPenelope?”Reneeofferedherowngrin. Kailetoutashort,sharpsoundthatcouldhavebeenalaugh,buthecovered hisfacewithhishandsanddidn’trespondforalongtime,breathingslowanddeepinto hispalms,hisheaddipped.Whathadshesaidwrong?Reneewondered.Shegavehim sometime,smoothinghisshoulderuntilfinallyheinhaledsharplyandlethishandsfall away. “Theselungsarehealthy,butIhavetotakemedicine,ontime,twiceaday, everyday,probablyfortherestofmylife,topreventmyimmunesystemfromattacking them.But...”Kaitookinabreath.“Thatmakesmemoresusceptibletogettingsick withthingsnormalpeopledon’tneedtoworryabout.I’vebeenlucky,but...Ireally shouldwearamaskwhenI’maroundalotofpeopleinaconfinedspace,likeclass,andI haven’t...Ihaven’tbeendoingthat.” “Kai...” “I’malreadyenoughofafreak.AndthenImetyou....”Heshookhishead. ReneetuggedonKai’shandtomakehimlookather.“Kai,promisemeyou’ll protectyourself.I’llwearamask,too,ifyouwant.Insolidarity.”Reneefeltafull, brilliantsmilepeelacrossherface,butitfadedwhenKai’seyesblinkedrapidlyandhe turnedhisheadinsteadofreturningthegrin.Whatwasshedoingwrong? “There’smore,”hesaidinalow,quietvoice,notmeetinghereyes.“Evenwith thedrugs,evenifI’mcareful,mybodycanstillrejectmylungs.Icanstillgetsick.Andif thathappens...I’llgetverysick.”Kaiextractedhishandfromhertouchsohecould pullhimselffartherbackonthebed,hisbackagainstthewall.Hislegswerejittering withminorspasms,andtheyresistedhisattemptstobendthemashepulledthem towardhischest,huggingthemclose.“Ican’ttellyouhowlong....”Kaiswallowed. “Youcan’tplanyourfuturewithsomeonelikeme,andIunderstandifthisisalltoo much.” “Oh,Kai,”shesaid,climbingontoherkneesandwalkingclosertohim.He wouldn’tmeethereyes,sosheliftedhischinandkissedhim,warmandwonderful,deep 87 andpure,andshefeltafireinsideherigniteasitalwaysdidwhenshewaswithhim. “Doyourememberthefortuneyougottheothernight,whenyoubroughtmebackhere fortwentyquestions?” Hesighed,aharsh,defeatedsound,shookhishead. “Itsaid,‘Thefutureiswhatyoumakeit.’Theotherday,whenIspentthenight here,Irealizedthatthingswillbedifferent.Maybemoredifficult,beingwithyou,butI don’tcare.WhatgoodiseasyifI’mnothappy?Andbeingwithyoumakesmefeelalive.” Sheheardhimswallowthickly.“Icoulddie,Re,”hesaidinavoicesoquietshe barelyheardit. “AndsocouldI.” Thatgarneredafaintlaugh,andhefinallylookedupather,eyesglossy, pushinghislegsdown,straighteningtheminfrontofhim.Whowashetryingto protect?Her,orhimself?“Evenwiththetransplant,Isometimeshavetroublebreathing. Imighthaveyears,butImightnot.”Kai’sbreathhitched,andhepulledherintohislap, huggingherclose,hisheadonhershoulder,lipsnearherear.Awaytohidehisface, perhaps,thoughsheheardtheemotioninhisvoice.“Iwantyou,Re.I’vewantedyou sincethemomentIsawyouthatfirstdayofclass.Butifyoucan’tdothis,ifyoudon’t wanttodothis,Igetit.Justtellmenow,please?BecauseIcouldn’thandlefallingin lovewithyouandlosingyouwhenwhatI’mtalkingaboutbecomesmorethanjusttalk.I can’t...Ican’tgothroughthatagain.” Reneeheardthe“again”clearly,andherheartcrumbled.Therewasastory here,oneKaihadleftoutofhispaper,perhapsinvolvinghisex,butnowwasn’tthetime toprobehimforit.Perhapsshe’dweaselitoutofJonatsomepoint.Reneetriedtopush himaway,butheclungcloselytoher. “I’mmessedup,Re.Somessedup,”hesaid,hisvoicesmall. “It’sOK,”Reneesaid,pressingherselfagainsthim,smoothinghisstrongback, feelingthesubtlejerkofhisshouldersindicatinghewascrying,thoughhewastrying desperatelytohideit.God,hisexmusthavebeenhorrible,Reneethought,doingher besttocomforthimwithhertouch.“Itoldyou.Messeduptogether.Allright?I’minthis gameaslongasyouwantme.” “Staywithme,”hesaid,hisvoicetiny,almostfrightened.“Please.”Hefinally pulledawaytolookather,hiseyesrimmedwithred,soterrifiedandlostandsad. Shenodded,smoothedhishairoutofhisface.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”She kissedhimlightlyonhislips,tastingsalt,thenofferedhimasmile,heldhischinto ensurehewouldn’thideagain.“I’mabiggirl,too,OK?There’salmostnothingyoucan tellmethatwillmakemethinklessofyou.Idon’twantyoutobeafraidofbeinghonest withme.” Hecrackedasmilethen.“Youstealingmylines,now?” “IknowI’mlittle,andIlookdelicate,butI’mstrong.Letmebestrongforyou, OK?” Kainodded. Reneepulledoffherownshirt,hesitatedamoment,butleftherbrainplace, notquitereadytobethatnakedwithKaiyet.Shebroughthishandstoherribs,where theymovedslowly,reverently,beforehepulledhercloseforanotherkiss.Thisonewas sweet,slow,tender,makingtimestutterandstall.ShewonderedifKaihadintendedher tofindandreadhismakeupessay,becauseclearly,morethananyotherrevelationhe’d sharedwithher,thetruthabouthisscarswasthehardestpieceforhimtoshare. Finally,hepulledaway,smilingfaintly,someofthedarknessfadedfromhis 88 eyes.Helightlyteasedherbreasts,fingersgrazingoverhernipples,makinghergasp, beforeeasilyliftingheroffhislapandsettingheraside.Confusedatfirst,shesawhim pushhimselfontohisside,lyingdown,arranginghislegsandbeckoningherintohis arms.Shesnaggedablankettocoverthem,snugglingbesidehim. Theyheldeachotherlikethisforalongwhile,Renee’sforeheadrestingagainst hischest,andshefoundherearstuningtothesoundofhisbreath,slow,regular,justa tadnoisierthanherown,ifshereallyfocusedonhearingthenuances.Shecouldstillfeel thesubtletwitchofhislegs,buthewascalmer,morerelaxed,andshehopedshehad helpedhistensionseepaway. “Youknow,whenJude...did...whathedid...tome,Ididn’tleavehim rightaway.I...”Reneesuckedinabreath.“Ithought,atfirst,hewasright,whenhe toldmeIwasacocktease,andthatIowedhim,andthatIcouldn’thavesexwithhim formonthsandthenchangemymind.”Reneelaughed.“Ican’tbelieveI’mhalfnaked withaman,tellinghimthis.” Kai’shandslidalongherside,finallyrestingatherwaist,histouchalmost reverential.“Igetit.”Shefelthimtakeinadeepbreath.“MyexabandonedmewhenI wasdying,”hesaidinalevel,butlowvoice.“Istillwafflebetweenknowingshe’sabitch andthinkingitwasmyownfault.Ihatemyscars,especiallythisone,”hesaid,bringing herfingerstohisthroat,whereshefelttheunnaturalindentation,“becausetheymake methinkofher,ofhowstupidIwas.Ofthelookonherfacewhenshefinallyshowedup, weeksaftermytransplant,andsawthisscar.” Reneekissedhischest.“IneverthoughtI’dfindamanwhocouldunderstand whathappenedbetweenmeandJude.WhyIstayedwithhim,whyIdidn’tsay anything.”Shesmiled.“Youweretotallyworththewait.” Jonwaslookingathisfirstcoupledaysoffinnearlytwoweeksofmostlynightshifts, makingupforthetimehetookofftobewithKai,andhewaseagertospendthem— preferablynaked—inbedwithVicky.Jonhadn’tfeltthishornysincehewasateenager; withhisshitschedulelately,theyhadn’tseeneachotheroutsideworkintendays,andit hadbeenoveraweeksinceVickyhadsnuckhimaquickieinhisofficewhilehewason break.Jonwasmorethanwillingtoputasidesleepandfoodtofuckheragain. Vickyopenedthedoor,andbeforeshecouldgetawordout,hegrabbedher, buryinghistonguedownherthroat,shuttingthedoorwithakickofhisfoot,then pressingherupagainstit.Heshimmiedoutofhiscoat,tossingitaside,kissingher hungrily,onehandimmediatelyfondlingherbreast,theothercaressingherhipashe groundagainsther.Shegaspedandsighedandleanedintohim,butwhenhereachedto unbuttonherjeansshepushedhimaway. “Weneedtotalk.” Wordsnomaneverwantstohearfromhiswoman,especiallywhenhe’sso hardithurts.They’dmadeupaftertheminifightSaturdaymorning;shewasn’tstill angryaboutthat,wasshe?Sheknewhecouldbecluelesssometimes.Wasshemad becausetheyhadn’tseeneachothermuchlately?“Vic,Iwon’tbeonthishorrible scheduleforever.Justanotherweek,andthenI’mbacktomyusual.AndI’mon-callfor Thanksgiving,butIdon’thavetobeon-site—” Vickyturnedherbacktohim,crossedtoherlivingroom.“That’snotwhatthis isabout,Jon.” Jonpulledhisfingersthroughhishairasheslowlyfollowedher.Ashis erectionfaded,hisexhaustionsurged.Lessthantwomonthstogether,andshehad 89 alreadyapparentlydecidedtheywereamistake.Hesankintothecouchoppositeher, tryingandfailingtoreadherface. “Whydidyougointopeds?” Certainlynotthenextthinghe’dexpectedtocomeoutofhermouth.“What?” “Youcouldhavedonejustthreeyears,specializedinadultpulmonology. Instead,youcamehere,didfive,soyoucouldtreatchildren,too.Why?” Jonshookhishead,rubbedhiseyes.Hewastootiredforgamesandcouldn’t followVicky’slogic,soheansweredtruthfully.“IknewIwasinterestedprimarilyin cysticfibrosisandsevereasthma,bothofwhichlargelyaffectchildren.”Heshrugged, hopingVickywouldrevealwhatshewasobviouslyfishingfor. “Soitwasacademic.” Jonpulledathishair,sighingloudly.“Vic,whatisthisabout?” “Justtellme.” “Whydoesitmatter?” “BecauseIneedtoknow.” Jongrithisteeth.“Youknowwhy.” Vickystaredhimdown.“Ineedtohearyousayit.” “BecauseIthoughtmybrotherhaddiedofanasthmaattackwhenhewassixyears-old.BecauseIcouldn’tdoanythingforhim.Ispentmorethanadecadethinking aboutthatmoment,abouthowIshouldhavebeenabletodosomething.Someone shouldhavebeenabletodosomething.Becausenochildshoulddiethatway.” Vickyfoldedherarmstightlyacrossherchest,shakingherhead.Butwhenshe spoke,hervoicewasflat.“It’salwaysaboutKai.” MaybeitwasJon’sexhaustionorsexualfrustration,buthelethisanger explodeout.“Whenwewerekids,ItookcareofKaimostofthetime,becauseourmom was...unavailable,andourdadwasworking.”Jonjabbedhischestwithafingerwith eachpunctuated“I”ashespoke.“Iwastheonewhostayedupwithhimnightswhenhe couldn’tbreathe.Iwastheonewhotaughthimtosignandhelpedhimtowalk.Iheld himwhenhecried,whenhewashurtingorscared.Isatwithhiminthehospital wheneverIcould.”Jonrose,pacedrestlessly.“Soyes.ItstartedoutaboutKai,butit becamemorethanthat,because,asIrememberyoutellingme,Iunderstandwhatthose parentsaregoingthrough.AndifIcanmakelifebetterforthemandtheirchildren,then Iwill.”Jonfacedher,hisownarmsfoldedtightlyonhischest.“Whatthefuckisthisall about,anyway,Vicky?Ifyoudon’twanttoseemeanymore,fine,butdon’tyoufucking questionwhyIdowhatIdo.” Vickystaredathimalongmoment,herfaceunreadable,beforefinallyrisingso theyweremoreateyelevel.“I’mpregnant,Jon,”shesaidinalowvoice. Jonfelthiskneesstarttobuckleandhehadtoquicklyadjusthisfeetsothathe sankbackintothesofainsteadofthefloor.“What?How?” Vickyjoinedhim,sittingalittlecloser,herkneestouchinghis.“Ifyoudon’t knowhow,thenIthinkyouneedyourmedicallicenserevoked.”Itwasajoke,butshe didn’tsmile. Jonswallowed,allofhisangerhavingcompletelyevaporated.“You’re... sure?” Vickynodded.“MyOB-GYNsaysI’maboutsevenweeks.” Jonshifted,pulledVickytowardhim.Sheturnedsoherbackwastohischest, herheadreclinedagainsthisshoulder,cradlinghisarmsaroundher. “Jon...I’mbringingthispregnancytoterm.Butifyoudon’twanttodothis 90 withme,I’lllookintoadop—” “No,”Jonsaidfirmly,squeezingherwrists.“No,I’minthiswithyou.”He kissedthetopofherhead.“I’mnotsureI’mreadyforalittlewhitechapel,but....A baby.”Hesmiledagainstthetopofherhead.“I’lldothiswithyou,Vic.Ifyouwantit.” Shenodded.“Ido.”Shedippedherheadbacksoshecouldattempttolookup athim.“Jon,I’vewantedmorethanafriendshipwithyouforyears,butyouwerewith Jenny,andthenKaigotsick....Itwasnevertherighttime.” Jonthoughtaboutitforamoment,squeezedhertight.Jonhadalwaysthought Vickywasunattainable,partiallybecauseoftheiragedifference,andthesepastfew weeksmadehimrealizemorethaneverhowmuchofamistakeJennyhadbeen.“Me too.” “Justpromiseme,”Vickysaid,pullingaway,turningagaintofacehim. “Anything.” Shelaidahandononeshoulder.“You’llputourchildfirst.Kai’sanadult;he doesn’tneedafather.Butourbabydoes.” Jonsmiledfaintly,nodded.Hegentlycradledhercheeksandpulledhercloser, kissingherdeep,passionately,buttender.“Kaiwillalwaysbeimportanttome,”Jon said,staringintohereyestoshowhissincerity,“butyouandthisbaby...”Hesighed softly,laidhishandonVicky’sstomach.“Numberonepriority.”Theysmiledtogether, touchedforeheads,andthoughtheprospectofbeingafatherwasfrightening,italso madehimfeelwarmandlightinside. 91 November11,2000 Dianeopenedthedoor,takinginthemaninthewheelchairsittinginfrontofher.He wasshockinglyhandsome,withadefinedjawandlong,slopingnose,brilliantblueeyes andgoldenhairthatfelllooselyabouthisface,cascadingoverhisears. “YoumustbeDiane.” Shenodded,steppedasidesohecouldcomein. Thedoorwasatightfitforhischair,sohepulledhimselfinwithhishandson thedoorframe. “AndyoumustbetheinfamousKai,”Dianesaid,closingandlockingthedoor behindhim. “Uhoh.NowIwonderwhatRenee’sbeentellingyouaboutme,”hesaidashe slippedoutofhiscoat,flashingasmilethatwouldweakenthekneesofnearlyany woman. Dianelaughed,takinghisjacketandhangingitupforhim.HeworealongsleevedT-shirtbeneatharegularonethat,thoughloose,couldn’thidewhathadtobe incrediblearmsandshoulders. “Reneehadtoruntothestoretopickupafewthingslastminute,butshe shouldbebacksoon.CanIgetyouanything?” “I’mgood,thanks.” Dianestoodawkwardly,pattingherthighabsently,lookingaroundasif thinkingwhattosay,tryingtoavoidstaringathiswheelchairorhislegs.Despitethe wheels,hewasincrediblyattractive;she’dgiveReneethat.ButeventhoughReneehad satDianedownandexplainedtheessentialsofthe“complicated”KaiFox,soDiane wouldknowwhattoexpectandpotentiallygetonboardwithit,nowthathewassitting infrontofher,shewasn’tsurewhattosayordo.Dianehadneverknownadisabled personbefore,andnowsuddenlyherbestfriendwasdatingone.AndDiane’s personalityalreadycameoffasabit...Dianewouldsay“honest,”butmostpeople mightsay“abrasive.”It’sonereasonsheandReneemadesuchagoodpair:Renee’s sweetnessbalancedoutDiane’sacerbicpersonality,whereasDiane’sassertiveness balancedRenee’soccasionaltimidity. “So...”Dianesaid,bouncingonherkneesalittle,restless.Thenshenoticed oneofhislegswasspasmingmildly,andrememberedReneehadexplainedaboutthat anddecidedmaybeshedidn’twanttomakehimseemselfconscious,soshestopped. God.Shewasoverthinking,likeRenee,whichDianeneverdid,andthiswasn’tevenher ownboyfriend.ButhewasthefirstmanthatReneehadexpressedareal,healthy interestin—well,ifyoucouldcountweeksofdesperatefailedstalkinguntiltheyfinally rekindled“healthy.”UnlesshesentDiane’s“assholealarm”blaring,shedidn’twantto doanythingtojeopardizewhatcouldbeagoodrelationshipforRenee,evenifDiane couldn’tunderstandthewholedisabledpartoftheequation. “So...”heechoedher.Washesmiling?Didhefindheruncharacteristic uncertaintyamusing?WhoknewwhatReneehadtoldhim.“Doyouwanttosit?” Hisquestioncaughtherbysurprise.Wasitrudeforhertostandwhenhewas sitting?Reneehadn’tsaidanythingaboutthat,butthen,Reneewassoshort,itprobably didn’tmattermuch.Dammit.Moreoverthinking. Helaughednow,lowandrich.“Justthoughtyoumightwanttobemore comfortablewhilewewaitforRenee?” 92 Dianenoddedandledthewaytowardthesectionofthemainroomwherethey hadapairofcouchesandtheirsmallTVandVCR.Shewalkedaroundthecoffeetable andsunkintoherfavoritespot.She’dalreadysettledinwhensherealizedhiswheelchair couldn’tfitbetweenthetableandthesofas.Shit. “Oh.Sorry—” “It’sfine,”hesaidwithasmile,pullinguptotheedgeoftheplushcarpetthat definedthespace.“I’llmovethetablelater.” Thoughshe’dalreadyobservedhisupperbodyseemedfitandstrong,the statementstillseemedjarring.Shetookabreath. “You’reavisualartmajor?”Hisrightfootwasspasmingmorevisuallynow, jitteringlikehe’dhadtoomuchcoffee,althoughReneehadexplaineditwascompletely involuntary.Hepressedhishandonhisknee,butotherwiseignoredit,soshedidher besttodosoaswell. “Yup.Istartedoffinarchitecturebutdidn’tlast,”Dianesaidwithalaugh.“I dabbleinallmediumsandformsbutIreallylikesculpture,especiallyworkingwith metal.”Sherelaxedalittle,andthenshiftedinherseat.“Yourwheelchairhassomenice linestoit.AndIcouldprobablypaintitforyou,ifyouwanted.Theframe,Imean.” Heglanceddown,seeminglyoutofreflex,andwhenhelookedbackup,she caughtaflashofembarrassmentbeforehehidit. “Sorry,”Dianesaid,thoughshewasn’treally.“Reneedidn’twarnyouaboutmy footandmouthdisease?” Heshookhishead,smiling.“It’sfine.Somehow,though,Igetafeelingyou weren’thopingtogetmealonesowecouldtalkaboutmetallurgy.”Hismusclespasms hadquieted,soheusedhishandstopushhisbodyup,adjustinghisweight.“Askorsay anythingyouwant.” Therewasonequestionshehad,whichshe’dattemptedtobroachwithRenee butnevermanagedtoactuallyask.Itwasn’texactlythemostPCthingtosay,buthe seemedtobeinvitinghertospeakfreely.“So...Reneetoldmealittleabout...you,” shesaiddelicately,buthergazesettledonhislegsandthelookinhiseyestoldherhe caughthermeaning.“Butit’sjustyourlegs...thatdon’twork,right?”Sheraisedher eyebrows. Hewasleanedback,lookingather,hislipspursed,obviouslyholdingbacka smile,buthesaidnothing.Evidently,heknewwherethiswasgoingandwasn’tgoingto makeiteasierforher. “Iknowit’snoneofmybusiness,butRenee’shadproblemswithguystaking.. .advantage...ofherbefore.Iknowshelikesyou,butI’dgetifshepickedyoubecause —” KaiheldupahandandDianeworriedthatshe’dsteppedinit.“Yes,my plumbingworks,andyes,IknowaboutJude.Reneetoldme,butthat’snotwhyshe’s datingme.” Dianefeltherownblushthistime.“Wait.ReneetoldyouaboutJude?About—” Kai’ssmilefadedtoclenchedteeth.“Howherapedher?”Hiseyesflashedwith anger.Hetookadeepbreath,blinked,relaxed.“That’swhyItoldherit’sOKtotake thingsslow,ifthat’swhatsheneeds.” “Really?” “Really.” “I’msorry,”Dianesaid,sincerelythistime.“It’sjust...Renee’sdatedsome realusers,andthewayyoualwaysseemedtopullthesedisappearingacts,Ijust—” 93 “It’sfine.You’relookingoutforyourfriend.Renee’sluckytohavesomeonelike you.”Kaishiftedhisweightagain. Dianeshrugged.“IthinkI’mmoreluckytohaveherkeepingmeoutof trouble.” Kailaughed.God,wasitpossiblehewasactuallyareallyniceguy?AndRenee musttrusthimifshetoldhimaboutJude.Onlyahandfulofpeopleknewthatsecret. Thefrontdooropeninginterruptedtheirconversation,Reneepoppingher headin,carryingseveralsacksofgroceries.“I’mback!” KaiwasathersidebeforeDianehadevenstoodup.“Anythingelseinthecar?” “Nope,thisiseverything.Justsomesnacksandthemovies,”Reneesaid, smilingasKaiacceptedmostofthebags,carefullyarrangingtheminhislapsothey wouldn’tfallandfollowinghertothekitchen. Hewasgoingtohelpherputthegroceriesaway?Dianecouldhardlybelieve hereyes.ThelastguyReneedatedwouldcomeover,crashonthecouch,puttinghis dirtyshoeseverywhere,leavehisbeerbottlesalloverforReneetocleanup,andusually eatDiane’sfood.Renee,Godblessher,wouldalwaysoffertopayDianetomakeupfor it,butDianewasgratefulthatrelationship—ifshecouldevencallitthat—hadn’tlasted. Dianestartedforthekitchen,hesitatinginthedoorway,watchingReneeand KaiinteractastheyworkedtogethertoputawayRenee’spurchases,smilingandflirting andlaughingandhappy.Dianesawthewaytheylookedateachother:itwas nauseatinglyHallmark-greeting-cardsappy,butDianewasrelieved.Reneedeserved someonewhogenuinelycaredabouther—andKai’sreactionwhenJudehadcomeupin theconversationindicatedhedid—andwhowouldtreatherright.Dianedidn’tthinkshe coulddealwiththewheelchair,butifitdidn’tbotherRenee,thenmorepowertoher, right? Dianeclearedherthroatwhenitwascleartheyweretoolostineachotherto noticeherstandingthere.“Uh,I’mgoingtoheadout.Youtwohavefun.” Kaiusedtheedgeofthecabinettohelphimturnaroundinthetightspace. “Oh,Diane,Idon’twanttokickyouout—” Sheheldupherhand,snaggedherpursefromtheoppositecounter.“Ihavea sculptureprojectduesoonanyway;thestudioshouldbeempty.Perfecttimetogetsome workdone.”Shesmiledandwaved.SheseemedtorememberReneementioninga brother.Mightbeworthinvestigating.“Don’twaitupforme,”sheaddedwithawink beforeheadingoutthedoor. “ThanksfortheGatorade,”Kaisaid,snaggingabottle,twistingoffthecapandtakinga longdrink.“Butyoudidn’thaveto.” Reneeshrugged,leanedforwardandstoleaquickpeck.“Iwantedto.Doyou eatpopcorn?” “I’lleatsomeifyoumakesome,butyoudon’tneedtoworryaboutme.” “You’resoeasy,”Reneesaid,openingoneoftheboxesshe’dbrought, extractingabag,andstickingitinthemicrowave. Kailaughed.“Imakeupforitwithbeingcomplicatedinjustabouteveryother sense.” Reneepulledherselfuponthecountersoshewassittingonit,thenpopped openacabinetandfishedoutalargeplasticbowl. Kaicouldn’thelpnastythoughtsofwhathecoulddotoher,sittingonthe counterwhilehewasinhischair,buthequicklypushedthemaside,acceptingthebowl 94 andhelpingherdown. “SowhatdidyouandDianetalkaboutwhileIwasgone?"Reneetookbackthe bowlandsetitaside."Imadeherpromisenottoembarrassme.” “Nothing,”Kaisaid,takinganothersipofhisdrink.“Wejustchitchatted.” “Uhhuh.What’dshesay?” Kaishrugged,shookhishead. Reneedroppedashoulder.“OhGod,sheaskedifyourdickworks,didn’tshe?” Kailaughed.“Shemayhave.” Reneeturnedscarlet.“OhGod.I’msosorry.” “It’sfine,Re.Shejustwantedtomakesuremyintentionsweregood.” Reneenibbledherlowerlipandtracedalinealonghisjawwithasinglefinger, makinghiscockimmediatelyspringtoattention. “Notifyoukeepdoingthat,”hesaid,onlyhalfjoking. Shegrinned,tooktheGatoradefromhimandsetitonthecounter.Thenshe climbedinhislapandkissedhim,deep,probing,intense,makinghimsmileandmoan intohermouth,grippinghercloser,desperatetofeelheragainsthim,fleshtoflesh.He hadn’thadsexinovertwomonths,andnowthatReneeknewabouthistransplant,he hadnothing—physicalanyway—tohidefromheranymore.Still,they’donlybeen officiallytogetheracoupleweeks,andrippingherclothesoffandeatingheroutinthe kitchenfollowedbyherfuckinghiminhischairwasn’texactly“takingthingsslow.” Thesoundofpopcornpoppingbegantofade,andthemicrowavebeeped,but shecontinuedtokisshim,ignoringit,grippinghisshouldersandmakinghimcrazy. “Ow.”Reneepulledaway,lookeddown.Kai’srightkneewasjumping. Fuck,notnow.“Sorry....”Hislegandfoothadspasmedalittleearlier,but thencalmed,andhe’dhopedhe’dhaveapeacefulnight,otherthanhistightback. Reneeusedhisshoulderstosupportherselfassheclimbedoff.Hercheeks weredelightfullyflushed,andthenecklineofhersweaterhaddippedoverhershoulder, exposingherpaleskinthatKaidesperatelywantedtolickandnibbleashemovedhis waylower.Notjackingoffbeforecomingoverwasapparentlyahugemistake.Andnow hisfootwasspasmingagain,too.Nothingreallypainful,justannoying.Heplaceda handonhisknee,totrytomakeitlessobvious,andalsototrytokeephisthighfrom movingtoomuch.Hewasmakinggoodprogresswithhisrecovery,andhedidn’twant tosetthingsback,evenifthesespasmsweren’tparticularlyviolent. Reneehadn’tcommented,emptyingthepopcornintothebowlbutkeepingan eyeonhiminherperipheralvision.Finally,shesaid,“Can—canIdoanything?” Hesmiledfaintly.“It’lleitherpassinaminute,orgetworse.I’msorryifIhurt you.” “No,”shesaid,shakingherhead.“Yousurprisedmemorethananything.” “Let’sgosit,”hesaid. “Notyet,”shesaid,suddenly,leavingthepopcorninthekitchen.“Weshould seeifyoufitinmybathroombeforewegettoocozy,right?” “It’sfine,Re.I’llfiguresomethingout.Goodthingaboutdrinkingsomuch Gatoradeisthebottlesreallycomeinhandy.Ialwayskeepafewwithme.”Hecringed. “Sorry.Toomuchinformation.” Reneejustshookherhead.“Tryitforme?”Shetuckedhershouldersup,toeing thegroundwithherfoot,andtherewasprobablynothingshecouldhaveaskedofhimin thatmomentthathewouldn’thavesaid‘yes’to. Henoddedwithaslightsmileandfollowedher;ifherbathroomwasanything 95 likeJon’s,therewasnowayhe’dfit,butReneewasnewtolifewithsomeoneinachair, andsomelessonshadtobelearnedbyseeinghowheliterallycouldnotfitinmostsmall bathrooms. ThefirstthingKainoticedwasinsteadofhavingatraditionaldoor,theroom hadtwosmalleronesthatpulledopenandlaidflatagainstthewall,givinghimthefull widthoftheframetoenter,withnohugeawkwarddoortoworkaround.Itcouldhave beenhisimagination,buttheysmelledfreshlypainted.Thesecondwasthatthe bathroom,thoughsmall,wasorientedinawaythathecouldactuallyfitinside;the bathtub/showeronhisleft,perpendiculartothedoor,whichdeterminedthedepthof theroom,asmallsinkinfrontofhim,andofftohisright,thetoilet. Kaiblinked.Itwasn’toffset,butitwasn’tthetypicallow,residentialcommode likeJonhadinhisbathroom,butonemorelikeKai’s,high,easiertotransferto.And grabbarshadbeeninstalledalongthewall.Kaipushedcloser;itwouldn’tbeassimple touseaswhathehadathome,butitwasfarbetterthanpassable.Withoutaword,he driftedovertotheshower—nowherealizedthebathmatsthatReneemustnormally havehadonthefloorhadbeenremovedandlaydrapedoverthetub—andpulledback thecurtain. Ashowerseatidenticaltohisownwassetinthetub,thoughpushedabit fartherback,andtheshowerheadhadbeenconvertedtoahandwand,withabaseforit attheusualheight,aswellasabitlower.Kaifelthisheartbeatingfasterinhischest, andhewasn’tsureifitwereasignofanimpendingpanicattackorasurgeofexcitement thateverythingReneehadpromisedhimafewdaysago—“I’minthisgameaslongas youwantme”—wasmorethanmerewords. Carefully,heturnedaroundinthetightspace;Reneestoodinthedoorway, anxiouslyawaitinghisreaction.“It’sabitearly,but...MerryChristmas.” Kaifounditastruggletofindwords,orevensigns,torespond.“Idon’tknow.. .whattosay.”Nikkihadnevermadeanyaccommodationsforhim,andthoughBecca had,likeeverythingwithher,theycamewithstrings.Heavystrings. Reneesmiledshyly.“AfterIspentthenightatyourplace,Istartedthinking, and....”Sheshrugged,toedthefloorsomemore.“Iwantyoutobecomfortablehere. I’mseriousaboutus,andIhavethree-plusyearsofschoolleft,andDianeandIreally lovethisapartment....” Kaiglidedcloser,reachingupforonehand.“Thankyou,”hesaid,notableto saymore;therewasnowayhecouldconveyinEnglishwhatthisgesturemeanttohim, inmorethanpracticalterms,andRenee’sASLwasn’tremotelygoodenough.“But... how?Youstayedatourplaceonlyaweekago.” Reneegrinnednow,aconfident,elatedsmile.“ItalkedtoTroy,whoputmein touchwiththeoccupationaltherapistpeople,whoadvisedmeonwhattodo,andDiane helpedmeconvinceourlandlord.Shecanbeverypersuasivewhensheneedstobe.” Kaifeltaneasy,relaxedsmileslipontohisface.“CanIborrowher?I’vebeen tryingtogetourstoputinaroll-undersinkformonths.” Reneelaughed.God,shewassobeautifulwhenshelookedathimlikethatit madehischesthurt.“Soyoulikeit?” Henodded. “Iknowwe’retakingthingsslow,butthisway,ifyouneedtospendthenight... .”Hereyestwinkled. KaipulledhishandsalongRenee’ssides,slidinghisthumbsunderthehemof hersweater,teasingherbareskin.Shedidn’tstophim,sohecontinued,workinghisway 96 underhershirttoherbreasts,searchingouthernipplestotease.Kaicaressedherfor severalminutes,growingachinglyhardagain,pressingteasingkissespunctuatedby playfullicksonherbelly,atasteofwhatelseshecouldhaveifshe’dlethim. “Wecouldtryouttheshower,”hesaid.“I’llmakeitworthyourwhile.” Shesighed,hereyesfellclosedforamomentashecontinuedtofondleher breasts,fingertipscirclingtauntnipples,andhehopedshe’dsayyes.Maybehe’deven feelherhandsonhiscock,strokinghim.... ButReneepushedhisarmsawayandsteppedback,outofthebathroom.Her facewasstillflushedfrompassion,buthereyesbetrayedher.Shewasscared.“Iwantto ...”shesaid,almostapologetically.“But...Ican’t.I’msorry.”Shepulledhersweater down,coveringherselfasmuchaspossible.“Onthecouchoreveninthebedit’dbeone thing....Butinthebathroom...I’dfeel...trapped.”Reneebitherlip.“Iknowit doesn’tmakeanysense....” “Iunderstand,Re,”Kaisaid.Morethanyou’lleverknow,hethought.“I shouldn’thavepushedyou.Weagreedtoslow.Let’swatchthemovies.”Heofferedhera smile,butthoughshenodded,shestillseemedshellshocked. Kaifollowedherouttothelivingroom,surprisedtofindthecoffeetablehad beenmoved,pushedagainstthewallbesidetheTV,givinghimspacetogettoeither couch,ifhewanted.Heshookhishead.Dianemusthavedoneitbeforesheleft,whilehe wastoobusydroolingoverReneeinthekitchen.Partofhimwasgrateful;thetablewas longandprobablyheavy,andhadbeensittingonaplushrug,whichwouldhavemade movingitfromhischaircomplicatedandtimeconsuming.Especiallysincehisbackwas actingup. Renee’sapartmentwasrelativelyaccessible,thefloorofthemainroomand kitchennottoodissimilartothatinhisownapartment,butthefurniturewasn’t arrangedwithawheelchairinmind,severalthickrugslikethisoneplacedaroundthe floor. Heleaneddowntorolluptherugenoughhedidn’thavetofightwithittoget tothecouch,transferringtotheonefacingtheTV.HenoticedReneemovedquietly,her cheerfulmoodevaporated,anditfelteerilylikelookinginsomekindofdistorted mirror.IsthiswhatReneeexperiencedsomanytimeswhenhe’dwithdrawnreflexively insidehimselfasmemoriesofthepastsurfacedtohaunthim? SheseemedtobestrugglingwithgettingtheVCRtoacceptthetape,cursingto herselfinfrustration. “Re,comehere.Forgetaboutthatfornow.Ithinkweshouldtalk.” Sheobeyed,risingandjoininghimonthecouch.“I’msorry,”shesaidinathick butsmallvoice.“I’veruinedeverything,haven’tI?” “Ofcoursenot,”Kaisaid,takinghertinyhandandcradlingitinoneofhis. “Itrustyou,”shesaid,thoughshewouldn’tlookup.“Butwhatifwestart something,andthe‘devilgetsinyou’asmymawmawwouldsay,andyoucan’tstop yourself?” Kaigrithisteeth,darknessswirlinginhiseyes,butheswalloweditdown;he didn’twantReneetothinkhisangerwasdirectedather.“Re,”hesaid,givingherhanda gentletugtotrytogethertolookathim.“DoIwantyou?Yes.Doyoumakemehorny asfuck?Yes.WouldIhesitateaminute,ifyousaidyouwantedtohavesexwithme,to kissandlickandtoucheverysquareinchofyourbodybeforeslippinginsideyouuntil webothcame?No.”Kaiduckedtotrytolookupandfindhereyes,hiddenamongthe shadowscastbyhercascadingcurls.“ButwillIeverdoanythingyoudon’twantmeto 97 do?No.Youcanalwaystellmetostop.Whetherwe’refullydressedorhalfwaythrough thefullact.Youhavearighttochangeyourmind.Always.”Hetriedtotugonheragain togethertolookup,butshepulledaway.“Re,pleaselookatme.” Finally,afterseveralminutes,shedid.Shewasn’tcrying,buthereyeswere glossyandrimmedwithred. “I’llbefrustrated,ofcourseIwillbe,”Kaisaid,tryingtosmiletoreassureher. “Butnothingafewminutesinthatadaptedbathroomofyourscan’tfix.”Hetuckeda curlbehindherear.“Iwillneverbeangrybecauseyoudecideyou’renotready.”He openedhisarms,hopingshe’dacceptahug. Afteramomentofhesitation,shedid,buthesoonfelthercryingintohis shoulder,hersmallbodyjerkingagainsthislargerone,loudsobsthatrackedherpetite frame. “WasItooDeafiejustnow?Tooblunt?” “No,”Reneemumbled,butshedidn’tsaymore,continuingtoweepinhisarms. Kaiheldher,surprisedbyhowmuchithurt,aphysicalachehecouldn't localize,tohearandfeelhercryingandnotknowhowtofixit,howtomakeitbetterfor her. Finally,Reneepulledback,wipedhereyeswiththesideofherhand.“I’m sorry,”shesaid.“I’mnotusuallylikethis.” Kaishookhisheadandsweptafewstraytearsawaywiththepadofhisthumb. “Noconsequencesfortellingmetostop.Ipromise.”Hesmiled.“LikeIsaid,Imightbe frustrated,butthatsortofcomeswiththeterritoryofhavingaYchromosome.” Thatfinallymadehercrackasmile. “Whydon’tyougogetthepopcornandourdrinksfromthekitchen,andI’llget themoviestarted.YoucanpretendeverycharacterwhodiesisJude,especiallyifit’s painful.”Hesmiled,hopingthatwouldcheerherup. Shelaughedfaintly,andhereyessoftened.Shesmoothedherhandalonghis hair,finallybringinghimcloseintoashortkiss.“Thankyou,”shemurmured.Whenshe pulledback,shelookedlikeshewasreadytocryagain,butsheshookherhead,perhaps inresponsetohisworriedlook.“I’llbeOK.You’llholdmeandwe’lllaughatMelGibson andI’llbefine.” Kainodded,watchedherleave,andknewthatifheevermetthisJude,he’dkill himformakingthebeautifulrayofsunshinethatwasRenee—hisnicknameforherso fitting—darkenthewayitjusthad.No,killinghimwouldbetookind.Castration, perhaps,Kaithoughtevilly.Andinhischair,hewasattheperfectheight,too. Vickysatatthekitchenislandofherchildhoodhome,watchinghermother,Margaret, rolloutyetanothersheetofsugarcookiedough. “Ma,isn’titalittleearlyforChristmascookies?It’snotevenThanksgivingyet.” “Bah.It’snevertooearlyforsugarsnowmen.”Hermomgrabbedhercookie cuttersandexpertlywenttowork,turningtheblankdoughintodozensoftiny snowmen,snowflakes,andotherholidayshapesinminutes. “So,Ma,”Vickysaidalittlehesitantly,sprayingPamonacouplecookiesheets, “rememberItoldyouIwasseeingsomeone?ThatImightbringhimtoThanksgiving dinner?” “Mmm,”Margaretmuttered,noddingathankyouasshebeganlayingthe cookiesoutoneachtray.“Thedoctor,right?Dr.Tyler?” “Taylor,Ma.” 98 “Samedifference.Gettheoven,willyou?” Vickysighedandrose,pullingopentheovenMargarethadindicatedsoher mothercouldshovethecookiesinside.Hermom’skitchenhadfourovens—twosetsof doubles—whichmighthavebeenoverkillinanormalhome,butwitheightchildrenand legionsofotherrelatives,allfourwerewellused. Beforesittingbackdown,Vickywenttothefridgeforabeer.Fromthewaythis conversationwasgoingalready,shewasgoingtoneedit.Shehadoneinherhandwhen sheheardhermother. “Yourfatherwillwonderwhyheonlyhasfivebeersleftinsteadofsix,” Margaretnoted,cleaningherworkspacesoshecouldrolloutstillmoredough. Vickyblinked,thefridgestillopen,assherealized,Shit.Can’tdrinkwhileI’m pregnant.Reluctantly,shereplacedthebeerandgrabbedsomejuiceinstead,probably stockedforthenumerousgrandkidswhoshuffledinandoutofthehouse.“You’reright,” Vickysaidasshereturnedtoherseat. Margaretstaredathersuspiciouslyforamoment,probablywonderingwhy Vickybackeddownsoeasily,thoughshesaidnothing. “HisnameisJon,andwe’reserious.” “Areyousureit’sagoodideatodatesomeoneyouworkwith?Remember... oh,whatwashisname...Todd?” “Terry.Andthatwasnursingschool.Iwasstillgettingover....Anyway,thisis different.” “DoyouthinkIshoulddothreeturkeysthisyear,ortwoturkeysandaham?Or maybejustthebreast.Iwasreadinginamagazinethedarkmeatreallyisn’tgoodfor you,andyourfather—” “Ma.I’mtryingtotalktoyou.” “I’mlistening.”Shesearchedthroughafewdrawersbeforepullingoutsome morecookiecutters,thesemorefallthemed.“See,nottooearlyforthese,Ihope,” Margaretsaid,asiftryingtoproveherearlierpoint.“MaybeIshoulddotwoturkeysand twohams.Everyoneseemstopreferthehamleftovers.” Vickysighed.“Jonisdiabetic,OK?Sohe’snotgoingtobeeatingtoomany starchesorcarbsorsweets.” Margaretnodded,thoughbythewaysheseemeddistractedbyhertask,Vicky figuredithadnothingtodowithwhatshejustsaid. “I’mtellingyouthissoyou’renotoffendedwhenhedoesn’teatmuchordrink anyalcohol.Hisbloodsugarcanbehardtoregulatesometimes.” MargaretlookedatVickywithasourfrown.“YouandyoursisterVictoria—” “I’mVictoria,Ma.” Margaretrolledhereyes,wipedherhandsandstartedsettingupcoolingracks. “Victoria,Veronica,whatever.Youtwoarealwaystalkingdowntome.JustbecauseI didn’tgotocollegeandstayedhomewithyoukids,youthinkIdon’tknowanything abouttheworld.”Sheslippedonapairofovenmitts,pullingoutfinishedcookies.“I’ll tellyousomething,”Margaretsaid,pointingaspatulaatherdaughter,“I’velearned moreaboutlifefromraisingeightchildrenthananyonecouldteachyouinschool. Whichyoumightknowifyouwereamother.”Itwasalowblow,andevenMargaret seemedtorealizeit.“Vicky—” Vickyblinkedfuriously,tookafewdeepbreaths.Itwouldbesoeasytojusttell hermomthetruth,butsheknewalltoowellthetruthdidn’talwayssetyoufuckingfree. Soinstead,Vickysmiled,shookherhead,dismissingit. 99 Margaretfrowned,butseemedtoaccepttheeasyout,continuingasiftheslip hadn’thappened.“Anyway,Iknowallaboutthat.Vincent’soldest,Emily,wasjust diagnosed.Poorthing.Hastoprickherfingerallthetimeandtakethesehorribleshots severaltimesaday.” “It’snotthatbad,Ma.Jon’sbeenatypeIdiabeticsincehewasseven.” “He’llbefine,”Margaretcontinued,asifVickyhadn’tspoken,scoopingcookies ontothecoolingracks.“I’mmakingasugar-freeversionofeverythinganywaysince Valerieisonadiet.OrisitVivian?”Margaretwavedahandintheair.“Bah.Doesn’t matter;oneofyougirlsisalwaysdietinganyway.” Vickysighed.Itwasobviousherpointwasn’tgettingacrossnomatterwhatshe said.“JonandIareserious,Ma,”Vickyrepeated.“Andhe’snotusedtoabigfamily,so. ..just...benicetohim,OK?” “I’malwaysnice,”Margaretsaid,scoopingmorecookiesontobakingsheets. “BringhimsomeofthesewhenI’mdone.Youcantakesomeundecoratedonessothey don’thaveasmuchsugar.” Vickyhadtoresistafullfacepalm. Kaiwashurting.Reneecouldtell,eventhoughhedidn'tcomplain.Heshiftedhisweight everytenminutesitseemed,occasionallylinkinghishandsandstretchinghislongarms aboveorinfrontofhim,likehisbackwastight.Theyhadstruggledatfirsttofinda positionthatwascomfortableforbothofthem,especiallysinceKaididn'twantRenee lyingonhislegsfortoolong,sincehewasstillhavingmildspasms,andheneeded somethingtosupporthisback.Finally,they'dsettledforKaisittingwithhislegsout, feetproppedontheseatofhiswheelchair,Reneeleaningagainsthim,hisarmholding herclose.Kaihadn'tspokenfurtheraboutherbreakdown,buteverythingfromtheway heheldhertohisoccasionalsurreptitiousconcernedglancessuggestedheunderstood, anditwasOK.Ifanyotherguyhadpromisedheritwasalwaysfinetostop,shewould havetakenitasamereplatitude.AvariationontheThreeLittleLies:“It’llonlyhurtfor aminute,”“I’llonlysticktheheadin,”and“Iwon’tcomeinyourmouth.” ButKaimeantit.Kaimightstrugglewithfulldisclosureattimes,anddespite hisrecentopenness,sheknewsomuchmorestilllaylockedawayinhisfortress.Still, Artwasright:Kaihadakindheart,andshebelievedhe'dneverhurtherintentionally. Thefactthathe'dbeenwillingtolethergoifshethoughthis“complicatedhealth”was morethanshecouldhandledespitehisobviousattractiontohermeantalot.Whatwas theoldsaying?Ifyoulovesomeone,youhavetobewillingtosetthemfree? “‘There'srosemary,that’sforremembrance.Prayyou,love,remember.And thereispansies.That’sforthoughts,’”KaisaidalongwiththeactressplayingOphelia. “Youhavethewholeplaymemorized,don'tyou?” “Notallofit,”hesaid.“ButIhavereaditanobscenenumberoftimes.”He shiftedhisweightaswellashecouldwithherbesidehim,tryingtostretchhisback again,lettingoutafaintgrunt.HerinstinctwastoaskifhewasOK,butshedidn’twant toseemlikeshewashovering.Shehadn’tknownKailong,butsheknewhimwell enoughhe’dtellherifheneededtocallitanight.“Andnoweveryonestartsdying.” They’dreachedthepartoftheplaywherethecharactersbegantodie,starting withPolonius,killedmymistake,thenOphelia,drowningherself,andproceedingfrom theretothefinalclimacticswordfightbetweenHamletandLaertes. “I’mgoingtochangemynameagain.ToLaertes.Whatdoyouthink?”He fingerspelledit,holdinghisarmoutinfrontofhim,andshecouldjustbarelymakeit 100 outinthelightfromthetelevision.“Hmm.Kai’saloteasier.”Shefelthimlaughsubtly. “Youdon’tlooklikea‘Laertes.’” “AndIlooklikea‘Kai’?IthinkI’malittleblond.” Reneelaughed,foundhishandandcaresseditwithhers.Shelovedhislong, unusualfingers,thetipsroundedontheends,whichhe’dexplainedwasaresultofhis lungdisease.“Well,Ilove‘Kai.’”Shefroze,herheartsuddenlytheonlysoundshecould hear.Thathadmeantsomethingtotallydifferentinherhead.ButKaijustsqueezedher, andsheletherselfrelax.“Didyoupickit,whenyouchangedyourname?”Sheheldher breath,rememberinghowangryhe’dgottenthelasttimeshe’daskedaboutwhyhislast namewasdifferentfromhisbrother’s.Ofcourse,thatwasalongtimeago,whenthey’d barelyknowneachother.Alothadchangedbetweenthemsince. Shefelthimtakeinadeepbreath.“No,Kaiwasalwaysmyname,itjustwasn’t alwaysmyfirstname,”hereplied,seeminglynoangerinhisvoice.Andhewasn’ttrying tospeakinthatdreadeddefensivemonotoneeither.Hewasjustansweringthequestion. Perhaps,ifshedidn’tpushhim,he’drevealsomethingnewabouthimself. Kaishiftedhisweightagain,justasthegraveyardscenebegan,andhe interruptedtheirconversationtoquotethefamousmonologuealongwithMelGibson. “‘Alas,poorYorick!Iknewhim,Horatio,afellowofinfinitejest,ofmostexcellentfancy. Hehathbornemeonhisbackathousandtimes,andnow,howabhorredinmy imaginationitis!Mygorgerisesatit.HerehungthoselipsthatIhavekissedIknownot howoft.—Wherebeyourgibesnow?Yourgambols?Yoursongs?Yourflashesof merrimentthatwerewonttosetthetableonaroar?Notonenowtomockyourown grinning?’”Kaigrewquietamoment,beforecontinuing,“‘Alexanderdied,Alexander wasburied,Alexanderreturnethtodust,thedustisearth,ofearthwemakeloam—and whyofthatloam,wheretohewasconverted,mighttheynotstopabeerbarrel? ImperiousCaesar,deadandturnedtoclay,/Mightstopaholetokeepthewind away./Oh,thatthatearth,whichkepttheworldinawe,/Shouldpatchawallt'expelthe winter’sflaw!’”Kaisighed,andtheywatchedtherestofthemovieinsilence,Kai interruptingafewmoretimestoquotelines—shereallydidn’tbelievehedidn’tknow theentireplaybyheart. Finally,whenithadfinished,sheturnedinhisarmsenoughshecouldjust makeouthisface,lovingthewayhecradledher.“So.What’dyouthink?” “Itwaskindofweirdtoseeitperformedafteralltheseyearsofjustreadingit. Itmadeitmorerealsomehow,andyetless.”Hisgazewasfaraway,though,andshe wonderedwhathewasthinking. “Pennyforyourthoughts?” Helaughed,squeezedher.“Forme,Ithinkyou’llneedmorethanapenny.”He tookinabreath.“Justthinkingofhowficklelifeis.Howonemoment,someonecanbe there,smilingandlaughingandalive,andthen...”Heshrugged.“Eventhegreatest menallbecomedust,asHamletpointsout.” “Buttheyliveoninourmemories.Inmore...literalways,”shesaid,layinga handonhischest. Kailookeddown,hisbreathhitched. “Wouldyoueverwanttomeetthefamilyof...” Kaishookhishead.“Idon’tthinkIcould.WhatwouldIevensaytothem?”Kai sighed.“Ididn’twishforthis,”Kaisaidinalowvoice,drawingafingerdownhischest. “Onmy21stbirthday.” Reneesatuponherkneessoshecouldseehimbetter,butshedidn’tsay 101 anything,justreachedupandtuckedsomehairbehindhisear. Herolledhisneck,stretchingit,beforeofferingaslimsmile.“Howdoyouwish forsomeoneelsetodiesoyouwon’t?”Andthat,Reneerealized,probablysaidmore aboutKaithanathousandotherwordspossiblycould. Hiseyesmethersforalongmomentbeforeheletoutaforcedlaugh.“Well, I’vegotintrospectiveandbroodydown,andI’mprettycrazy.MaybeIshouldchangemy nametoHamletinstead?ThenIcouldbe‘boundedinanutshellandcountmyselfthe kingofinfinitespace,wereitnotthatIhavebaddreams.’”Hefrowned,buttherewasa bitofasparkleinhiseyes,andshewonderedifheweretryingtomakelightofthe situationforhersakeorhis.Perhapsabitofboth. Shedecidedtoplayalong.“Allright,Hamlet,”shesaidwithasmile.“What’s yourrealfirstname?” “Kaiismyrealfirstname.Ichangedit,legally.” Shestuckhertongueout,thenstoleaquickkissthatlefthimsmiling. “Joseph,”hesaidbeforeshecouldaskagain. “Hmm.YourlifestoryisveryOldTestamenty.Howfitting.” Kairolledhiseyes,buthewassmilingather.Itamazedherhowopenhewas beingwithheraboutthis,andawaveofhappinessfilledher.“Myparentshadathing forsimple,Biblicalnames,apparently:Jon,Joseph,Sara.”Reneenoticedthementionof asister.Kaihadtoldheritwasonlyhimandhisbrotherleft.Didthatmeanhe’dlost trackofher,orwasshealsodeceased?“MybirthnamewasJosephKaiTaylor. AccordingtoJon,myfatherwantedKai,butmymotherdidn’t,soitwasacompromise.” “Soyou’reKaiJosephFoxnow.”Reneeguessed. Henodded. “MymiddlenameisMarie.Notveryexciting.It’safamilyname.Mymom’s nameisMarie,andmymawmaw’smiddlenameisMarie,too.Etc.,etc.” “Ithinkit’saprettyname,”hesaid,gesturingherincloseforakiss.Itstarted outsweet,butquicklygrewheated,pullingherintohislap,hishandspalmingherass androckingherintohim.Hewantedher.Andshewantedhim,too,but.... Shepushedhimaway,andheimmediatelystopped,releasinghisgrip,justas he’dpromised,thoughahazeoflusthoveredinhiseyes.“I’msorry.” Heshookhishead.“It’sOK,”hesaid,buthewasbreathingheavily.“Youjust drivemecrazy.”Hepulledhercloseandplayfullynippedatherear,lickingtheskinjust behindthelobe,makingherinsidesexplode.FuckJude.Fuckhimforruiningthisfor her. “Itrustyou,Kai,really,it’sjust—” Kailaidalongfingeronherlips,justforaninstant,tosilenceher.“Awise persononcetoldmeyoucantellanarachnophobeaspiderwon’thurthim,buthecan’t helppanickingeverytimeheseesone.”Hecuppedhercheek,lookingdirectlyintoher eyes;inthedimlight,hisbrilliantblueiriseslookedalmostindigo.“TrustmethatIdo understand,anditisOK.Whenyou’reready,you’reready.Untilthen,I’lldoeverything youfeelcomfortablewith,includingthis.”Heclosedhiseyesandbroughtherclosein anotherheartbeat-stealingkiss. Butthekissendedabruptlywhenshefelthislegspasmbeneathher.She climbedoffhimandwatchedasKailinkedhishandsabovehisheadandattemptedto stretchhisback,grimacing. “ImayhavetotakearaincheckontheBranaghfilm,Re.” “Youhurting?” 102 Hesmiledfaintly.“I'mfine,Ijustdon'tthinkI'llmakeitthroughanotherthree hours.” Reneesnakedherhandbetweenhisbackandthecouch,workingherfingers intothetautmuscle.“You'resotight.” “Yeah.Myback'salwaysstiffattheendoftheday,butit'sbeingparticularly stubborntonight.” Shenudgedhim.“Scootforward.” “Re—” Sheshushedhim,pushingonhisshouldersuntilhesighedgood-naturedlyand shiftedhisfeetoffhischair,pushingitaside.Thenhegrippedtheedgeofthesofatopull hisbodyforward.Despitehisdownplayingit,hemovedstiffly,hisbacklockedpretty tightfromatleastthemidpointdown.Heattemptedtoarchit,pressinghishandsdown whiledippinghisneckback,buthedidn'tmanagemuchofastretch.Reneerose, balancinginthecushionsuntilsheclimbedbehindhim,nearlyfallingover. Helaughed.“ShouldIask?” “Shh,”shesaidwithagiggle,settlingdownbehindhim,sittingonthetopofthe couch.ReneeplacedherhandsonKai'sshoulders,encouraginghimtoleanforward. Thenshedugakneeinhislowerback,herfootbracedagainstthecouch,attemptingto relaxtheworstofhisknots. Hegroaned,handsgrippingtightonthecushionedge. “AmIhurtingyou?” “OhGod,no.Don'tstop.” Reneelaughed,adjustedherbalancetouseherotherknee.Shedidthatfor severalminutes,thenshiftedsoshecoulduseherelbowsonhisupperback,alternating thatwithfingersstrugglingtorelievethetension.“God,Kai,I'mnotstrongenoughfor this,”shefinallyadmittedwithalaugh,embracinghimandplantingakissnearhisear. “Ididn'tthinkyouwouldbe,butthankyou.” Shecollapsedontothecouch,onherback,herlegsinhislap.Helookedoverat her,smilinghisrelaxedgrin,thoughtheworrylinesnearhiseyesbetrayedhisbackhurt morethanhewaswillingtoadmit. “Ishouldgo,”hesaidwithobviousreluctance. “ButIhaveyoutrapped!”shesaidteasingly,wrappingherlegsaroundhis waist. “You'vedefinitelyensnaredme,”Kaisaidwithawarmsmile.“Thiswasfun,”he added,carefullypushingheroffhislapandsnagginghischair.“Evenifitwasour typicallyunconventionaleveningofconversation.” “Doyoureallyhavetoleave?”Reneepulledherselfup,linkingahandinoneof his. Asifinanswer,Kai'srightlegkickedoutsuddenly,makinghimhissandpull hishandback,grippinghisthigh.“Ihavetotakesomethingbeforethisgetsworse.I don'twanttoriskhurtingmyself,andit'snotsafeformetodriveonthemuscle relaxants.” Reneepouted,butnodded. IttookKaiacoupleattemptstomakethetransfer,andReneecouldseehewas sweating,hisfootbobbing.Shesuspectedhewasfeelingmorespasmsshecouldn't necessarilysee. “Youcouldspendthenight,”sheofferedweakly.“Ihaveaqueenbed.” Hebeckonedherinforaquickkiss,lookingdeeplyintohereyesashereplied, 103 “Webothknowyou'renotreadyforthat.Andthat'sOK.”Hesmiled,buttherewasa wearinessinhiseyesnow.“Plus,youdon'twanttosleepwithmewhenI'mlikethis.I'll squirmandfidgetandshiftandkickuntilthemedsknockmeout,andthenI'llprobably stretchoutandtotallytakeoverthemattress.”Hewinked,nippedatherlipsplayfully beforepullingback.“I'llcallyoutomorrow.MaybewecantryBranaghindaylight.” “Kai,”shesaidasshefollowedhimtowardthefrontdoor. Hestopped,slowlydriftedaroundtofaceher.“Yeah?” “Thankyou,”shesaidinasmallvoice.“I’veneverhadanything...likethis... before,”shesaid,notsurehowelsetoputit. Hissmilesweetened.“Meeither.” Afewminuteslater,Reneewatched,huddledinherdoorwayasKaiwheelied throughtheslightaccumulationofnewsnowonhiswaytohiscar.Shesighed,smiled whenhewavedtoheroncehe’dfreeduphishands,andresistedchasingafterhiminthe coldandwetforanotherwonderfulkiss. 104 Flashback:June15-21,1996 Note:Thisepisodetakesaslightlydifferentformatinthatitencompassesmorethana singleday,butratherafewdaysfromaweek.It'salsoaflashback,jumpingbackin timefouryearsfromthecurrentstoryline. Jonstoodinthedoorwayofthedeceasedpatientsrecordsroominthebasementof JonesvilleMemorialHospital,passinghishandoverhiscloselybuzzedhair,another failedattempttocurehimselfofthehabitofpullinghisfingersthroughit.Theroomwas adisasterofboxesstackedhaphazardlyamidstancientfilingcabinetscoatedwithdust. Anasthmaattackwaitingtohappen,hethought,sneezingintohiselbow.Asecond sneezeechoedhis. “Tellmewhatwe'redoingdownhere?”VictoriaGregory,thenurse-turned officemanagerfortheoutpatientclinicandhispartnerincrime.Shehadherlonghair twistedupintosomekindofcomplexbraidthatmadeherstrikinglyattractive.Heloved thewayherlockscascadedlooselyoverhershouldersandontoherback,andhad thoughthe'dmissthemoncetheyweretuckedaway.Buttheintricacyoftheknotsof hairseemedafittingmirrorofVictoria.Ifonlyhewereolder,shemightactuallyshow morethanapassinginterestintheawkwardDoogieHowser.Buthehurriedlydismissed thethought.At25,nearlyeveryonewasolderthanhimanyway.Thestoryofhislife. “Itoldyouyoudidn'tneedtohelpme,”Jonsaid,wadingintothemire. “Theywouldn'tbuythestolenkeysstory.IfI'mgoingtopotentiallylosemyjob overthis,Imightaswellbefullycomplicit.” Jonsighed. “LookforrecordsfromOctober1984.LastnameTaylor.”Hestruggledwithhis firstdrawer,whichhadrustedshut. “Ah,thisispersonal,”Vickynoted,checkingboxes.“Whoarewelookingfor?” “Mybrother,”Jonsaidcoolly,puttinghistrainingtowork. “Andwhy?1984wasalongtimeago.” Notlongenough,Jonthought.“Eitherhelpme,ordon't.” “Yougoingtotellmewhywe'rebothriskingourcareersdownhereinthedust andmold?Areyouheirtoasecretfamilyfortuneandyouneedproofofyourbrother’s deathinordertoclaimit?” Jonignoredher,slamminghisdrawershutalittlemoreforcefullythan necessary. Theyspenthourscombingthroughfiles,andthoughVickyhadbeenchattyat first,she’dquicklypickeduponJon’ssilenceandlefthimalone.Itwasgettingtothe pointwhereJonwasthinkingofcallingitquitsforthedaywhenshecalledout. “Ifoundit.Ithink.Thelabel’spartiallywornoff;it’seitherSeptember, October,November,orDecember1984.” AsJonapproached,hesawherglancingthroughsomeofthefiles,andhehad toswallowdowntheswirlofemotion. Vickyreadaloudfromtwoofthefiles.“BryanJ.Taylor,DOA.09/30/84.Ann P.Taylor,timeofdeath,11:34PM,09/30/84.”Shelookedup,andJon’sfacemusthave answeredherquestion.“Yourparents?” Jonnodded,puthishandoutforthefiles.Hedidn’twantVickyreadingthem. 105 Hewasn’tsureifhecould,either,buthe’drathermakethechoicethanhearmoreofher recitingfactsaboutthegruesomeaccidentthathadclaimedhisparents’livesand changedhisforever. Sheofferedthemwithoutargument.Hisfather’sfilewasslim,butitappeared asifasignificantchunkoftheboxhadbeendedicatedtohismother’s.JonletVicky handhimthefilebox,whichhesetasidefornow. “There’snootherTaylorhere,andI’mprettysurethisistheonlyboxforthat month.MusthavebeenSeptemberbasedonthedatesofdeathonallthesefiles.” “WeneedtofindOctober.” Vickynoddedandcontinuedsearching.“Whathappened?” “Caraccident,”Jonrepliedsimply,flashinghispenlightonthelabelsofastack ofboxes.Nothingseemedtobeinanyorder.Itwasgoingtotakedays,maybeweeks,to findKai’sfile. “OhmyGod.You’rethatJonTaylor.” Jonfrozetemporarily,butkeptscanningforthecorrectbox. “Iwasasophomoreincollege.Thestorywasalloverthenewsandthepapers. Theyoungcouplewhowaskilledbyadrunkdriver,andthethreechildrentheyleft behind.” Jonpulledopenedanunlabeledboxandsortedthroughit,checkingdates.“I wasfourteen.MybrotherandIwereseparatedfromoursister.Hehadanasthma attack,andwewereforciblyseparatednotlongafterthat.Ineedtofindhisfile.” “Why?” Jonsighedinfrustration;thisboxwasfrom1976.Hedecidedtotryanotherset offilingcabinetsagain.“Closure,allright?Ijustwanttofindhisrecords.Idon’twantto talk.” Vickyheldupherhandsinsurrenderassheapproachedtohelphimcheckthe oppositeendofthedrawerhehadopened.“Whatwashisname?” “Joseph,”Jonsaidinaquietvoice.“JosephTaylor.” Severalmorehourslater,andthey’dcomeupempty.They’dfinallylocatedtheboxfor October1984,butKai’sfilewasn’tinit,andsearchingasmanyoftherecordssincethen hadn’tturnedupanyanswerseither.Atleastnotonhim. Jonwassortingthroughaboxfromonlyfiveyearsago,atthispointwondering ifKaihadn’tdiedin1984afterall,andmaybehewouldfindhimhere.Thelastname Taylorcaughthiseye,andhepulledthefilewithoutreadingthefirstname,flippingit open.Hisstomachfellintohisfeet. SaraP.Taylor.DOB05/12/80.DOD07/11/91. “Jon?”Wadingthroughdustyrecordsforhourshadawayofdropping formalities;Ms.Gregoryhadquicklybecome“Vicky,”andDr.Taylor,“Jon.”Jonhadto admithelikedhearinghisfirstnamefromVicky’slips. “Mysister,”Jonsaidinaquietvoice,scanningthefile.“Complicationsofacute lymphocyticleukemia,apparently.Onlyafewyearsago.Imayhavebeenabletosave herlife.”Jonletthathangintheairamoment,sinkingdownontoastackofboxesto preventhimselffromcollapsingontothefloor. “Youdon’tknowthat,”Vickyassuredhim,takingthefileandperchingbeside him,afriendlyhandonhisarm.“Youmaynothavebeenamatch.Shemayhavedied anyway.” Jonnoddedvaguelyasrealityhithim:Kaiwasdead.Sarawasdead. 106 Hewasalone. Hiseyesbegantowater,butheblinked,wipingthemonhissleeve.“God,this dustiskillingme,”hesaidquickly,crossingtheroomandimmediatelydivinginto anotherstackoffiles,thoughitwashardtoreadlabelsthroughmistedvision. “Maybehe’sstillalive,”Vickyventured.“Ormaybehewentbyanothername?” Jonwipedhisfaceagain,composedhimself.“Likehewasadopted?” Vickyshrugged.“Hewassixwhenyourparentsdied.Thatwaswhat,twelve yearsago?It’spossible.” Jonleanedagainstthecabinet;hiseyeswereredanditchyfromallthedust andmold,andhewasexhausted.He’duseduphisonlydayoffinweeksforasearchthat hadn’tyieldedmuchexcepttoremindhimhowalonehereallywas.“Ifhe’snotdead, andhehasn’tleftJonesville,thenmaybethepulmonologyrecordswillhelp.” Vickystartedtobackaway,shakingherhead.“Oh,no.” “Please.Ifhe’snotdead...ifhe’salive,youhavetohelpmefindhim.” Shesighedheavily.“Fine.I’lldosomediscreetdigging.Youknowthiswouldbe aloteasierifyoujustaskedDr.MacDonald,right?” Jonrubbedthetopofhishead.“Justdomethisfavor,please.Idon’twant anyonetoknowaboutthis.Idon’twantthemtoquestionwhyI’menrolledinthe fellowshipprogramhere.” “Fine,”Vickysaid,slammingadrawershutandwavingtowardthedoor.“But you’rebuyingmedinneranddrinksfirst.” VickyhadsuggestedalittledivecalledTheIowan,theclosestthingtoasportsbar Jonesvillehad.Theyweresittingtogetherinabackbooth,Vickysippingfromabottleof beerwhileJonstudiedthemenu. “Soyouareoldenoughtodrink,right?” Jonglaredather.“Funny.” Shelaughed.“I’msorry.”Jonhadexplainedhedidn’treallydrinkalcoholwhen she’dinsistedhejoinherinabottleofbeerortwo.“Isitbecauseofyourparents?”Vicky asked,suddenlyfeelingawfulfornotconsideringthefactsooner. Jonshookhishead.“I’mdiabetic.It’seasierformetomanagemybloodsugar withoutbringingalcoholintotheequation.” “Oh,”Vickysaid,notsurewhatelsetosay. Jonlaughed,foldedthemenu.“Itisn’tcatching.” HadJonjustmadeajoke?Shehadn’tknownhimlong,buthewasincredibly serious,seeminglyallthetime.He’dfinishedhisfirstyearofhisfellowshipearly, transferringintoJonesville’sprogrambutshowingupbeforehissecondyearofficially startedtomeetthestaffandgetsettled.Hewasbothbrilliantanddriven,thetypeofguy Vickyprobablywouldhaveloathedwhenshewasinschool,butnowthatshewasalittle olderandwiserfoundshockinglyattractive. Vickyfoundherselfsmiling.Ashoutechoedfromthegroupgatheredatthe bar;apparentlytheteamatbathadhitatripleplay.“Doyoulikebaseball?” Jonshrugged.“Neverbeenintosports.Mydad,though,helovedbasketball.I eventriedtoplayit,forhim,but...”Jonshrugged.“Iwasn’tmuchofanathlete.” Vickysippedherbeer.“Mydadandbrothers...hugesportsfans.Football, basketball,baseball,hockey,younameit.Ilikefootballwellenough,butnothingnearly borderingonfanatical.” Theirwaitressarrivedtotaketheirorders,andVickyorderedanotherbeer.It 107 probablywasn’tagoodideatogetdrunktonight,notwithJon,butshesupposedshe couldregretitlater. Jonhadgonequiet,pretendingtowatchoneoftheTVs,thoughshesuspected hewasreallylostinhisthoughts. “Soyoubecameadoctorbecauseofyourbrother?”sheasked,thebeer looseningherlips,thoughsheimmediatelyregrettedthequestion.Sofar,they’davoided talkingabouttheirdayintherecordsroom,andhowheavilynotfindinganyevidenceof hisbrotherhadweighedonJon. Jonnodded,butthenheshrugged.“Yes,butIknewitwaswhatIwanted beforehewasborn.Iwasalwayshangingoutinthelibrary,readingbooksaboutscience andmedicine.Iwantedtoknowexactlyhowthebodyworked,asfarbackasIcan remember.” Vickylaughed.“You’readorable.” Jonflushed,adeepredcoloringhispaleskinfromcollarbonetocrown.“Iwas diagnosedwithtypeIdiabeteswhenIwasseven,notlongbeforemybrotherwasborn, butI’dsuspectedthatIhaditawhilebeforethat.” Vickystaredathim.“Youdiagnosedyourself.Whenyouwereinfirstgrade.” Jonshrugged.“Itjusttookawhiletogetmyparentstobelievemeandgetme tested.Itwas...atoughtimeforthem,”Jonadmitted.“Notaneasypregnancy,”he addedhesitantly. VickysawashadowfalloverJon’sfaceanddecidedachangeofsubjectmight help.“IknewIdidn’twanttobealawyeroranaccountantoranythinglikethat,”Vicky said,“andIdidn’tthinkIwassmartenoughformedicalschool—” “Idon’tbelievethat.” Vickyshrugged.“Nearlytwelveyearsofschoolwasn’treallyfeasibleformeat thetimeanyway,”sheaddedquietly. “That’swhyIdiditinnine,”Jonsaidwithagrin.Despitethefactthathewas probablythesmartestpersonsheknew,andtheyoungestpersoninthepulmonology department(barringacouplenurses-in-training),hewasshockinglyhumble,comments likethiscomingoffintendedasajokeathisexpenseratherthanabrag. “Anyway,itdidn’ttakemelongtorealizeIdidn’treallylikebeinganurse,” Vickylaughed,finishingherbeerandsignalingforanother.“Ilikemypaperwork,”she addedwithanod. Jonsmiledthen,afull,brilliantflashofteeththatlithisgrayeyesandliftedthe seeminglyperpetualwearinessfromhisface.Inthatmoment,henolongerlookedtired orjaded,butverymuchthe25-year-oldkidhewas. Vickysighed.Askedthequestionshenormallywouldhaveputoff,becauseshe couldn’tstandthatsmileandhowmuchitmadeherwanthim.“WhatwillyoudoifI can’tfindhim?”Shedidn’tneedtospecifywho“him”was. Jonletoutaharshbreath,managingafaintsmile,apaleimitationofhis previousgrin,whentheirwaitressappearedwiththeirorders,settingaplateinfrontof eachofthemandanotherbeerforVicky.“Lookintothesystem,hopetheydon’tfightme toomuch.Orphanages,grouphomes,etc.They’llhavetohavesomerecordofhim,a trailIcanfollow,evenifhewasadopted,evenifhewasmovedtoanothercity.”Jonslid hisburgeroffthebun,cuttingituplikeasteak.“I’llfindhim,whathappenedtohim,” hesaiddeterminedly.“Hopefullybeforemysecondyearofficiallystarts.” ItwasaweekbeforeVickypulledJonasideoneday,intoheroffice.“There’snosignof 108 yourbrother,eitherasalivingpatientoradeceasedone.AtleastthatIcanfind.No JosephTaylors,JTaylors,orJKTaylorswithanythingclosetoyourbrother’sbirthdate inanyofourfiles.” Jonrubbedthetopofhishead,enragedthathecouldn’tpullhisfingers throughittorelievesomefrustration.“Hehastobethere.” “Ifheis,it’sunderadifferentname.” Jonshookhishead.“Ifhewasadopted,andchangedhisname,I’llhavetopray therecordsweren’tsealed,orI’llneverfindKai.”Jonsighedheavily,sinkingintothe couch. “Whatdidyousay?” Jonshookhishead.“Imayneverknowwhathappenedtomybrother.” Vickydrewcloser,yankingJon’schintomakehimlookather. “Hey.Whatthehell?”Jonsaid,jerkingback. “Ican’tbelieveIdidn’tseeitbefore.MyGod.” “What?”Jonsnapped. “Yourbrotherdidchangehisname,”Vickysaid,rushingtoherdesk.She grabbedasheetofpaper,alistofpatientsofsomekind.“Rightthere,”shesaid,pointing tooneofthenames. “KaiFox.”Jon’svoicefaltered. “HowmanyKaiscouldtherebewhoarepatientshere?Ishedeaf?” “Mute.” “YousaidhisnamewasJoseph.” “Itwas.Hislegalname.ButhealwayswentbyKai.Inevermentionedit, becauseIdidn’texpect...”Jonlookedup,hiseyessurprisinglyglossy.“OhGod.This meanshe’salive.” Vickynodded.“Ihaven’tbeenworkingthisjobthatlong,butthere’saboy. Abouteighteen.Deaf,Ialwaysthought,sinceheneverspokeandDr.Johnsenalways hadaninterpreterforhim—” “He’sDr.Johnsen’spatient?” Vickynoddedagain.“Idon’tknowhownoneofussawtheresemblance.Iguess theagegap—thehairandeyesaredifferent,especiallywithyourscutthewayitis.And hisdisability.Differentlastname.Noneofuseverthoughttwiceaboutit.” “Hewasadopted,then?Ishehappy?” Vickyshrugged.“Idon’treallyknowhim.Moreofhim.I’veseenhiminthe waitingroom,orheadinginandoutoftheexamrooms.Hedoesn’ttalk,soitwasn’tlike wecouldhaveaconversation.Healwayslooks...”Sheshookherhead,asifchanging hermind. “Tellme,please.” Shesighed.“Sosad.Idon’tknowifI’veeverseenhimsmile.” Jonfrowned.TheKaiherememberedwasalwaysahappychild,despite everythinghewentthroughwithhisbreathingandhisMLS.“Ineedtofindhim.Page mewhenyouhavehiscurrentaddress.” Kailayinhisbed,aloneinhisroom,ashehadbeenfornearlytwoyears,staringupat theceiling.Hiships,back,andlegshurt,andhisbreathingwasn’tgoodtoday.It probablydidn’thelpthatforthepastmonthhe’dbeenreservinghismedications:taking onlyapuffinsteadoftwofromhisinhalers,cuttinghispillsinhalvesandhidingtherest inoneofhissecretcaches.Hehadafewdollarssquirreledaway,buttheywouldn’tbuy 109 himmorethanasandwich.Toobadnoneoftheorderlieswouldplaypokerwithhim anymore.AndthoughMs.Evanshadhelpedhimapplyforbenefits,hecouldn’tcounton receivinganythingimmediately. Ms.EvanshadofferedtohelpKaiapplyforaspotinoneofthestate’sadult grouphomes,thoughshe’dwarnedhimhewouldprobablyfallinbetweenthecracks: sickenoughtoapplybecauseofhissevereasthma,butnotreallydisabledenoughhe’d getoneofthelimitedspots.Notthathereallywantedtospendtherestofhislifeinan institutionanyway. Kaitookafewlaboredbreaths,hiseyestracingthefamiliarcracksandspotsin theceiling.He’dbreatheeasierifhesatup,butpassingoutheldacertainallureand escape.Artdidn’thavethebudgetforanotheremployee,evenparttime,andnooneelse wasinterestedinhiringasickly,gimpykidfreshoutofhighschoolwhostillstruggledto beunderstoodsometimes. Kai’sbirthdaywasonlyaweekaway,whichmeanthe’dbekickedoutofthe onlyrealhomehe’dknownforthelasttwelveyears.Withnomeansofsupportandno wheretogo.Jake,whowasstartingcollegesoon,hadofferedtoletKaicrashathis mom’shouseforthesummer,butafterthat,Kaiwasonhisown. Kaihadneverbeentruly“onhisown”hiswholelife. Evenwithoutthepracticalproblems,thethoughtalonewasterrifying,andhe hatedthathefeltthatway.Kaididn’trelishbecomingoneofthosecrazycrippledguys withashaggybeardanddreadlocks,beggingforchangeonstreetcorners. Aknockonhisdoorpulledhimfromhisthoughts,andhepushedhimselfup whenitedgedopen.Frankie,aboyofabouttwelvewithdiplegicCPwho’dbeena residentfornearlythreeyears.HealsolookeduptoKai,asridiculousasthatwas. FrankiepulledhimselfintoKai’sroomwithhisforearmcrutches,hisbody swayingwitheachstep,untilhesankintotheotherbed.David’sbed.Kaididn’tlike anyonesittingthere,buthewastootiredtomanageEnglish.Besides,itwasdifficultfor Frankietosignandstayupright;sittingfreeduphishands. Kaipushedhimselfupfarther,sohecouldsign.“What?” Frankiewasn’tfluentbyanystretch,buthe’dpickedupenoughthatKaicould conversewithhimsimplywithoutspeaking. Frankieslippedoutofhiscrutches,layingthemagainstthebed.“There’sa manheretoseeyou.” Oh,itwasSaturday?VisitingDay.Sincegraduation,Kai’sdayshadbegunto blurtogether.NotthatKaieverhadmanyvisitors.Jakehaddroppedinonceortwice duringhighschool,buthaddeterminedCHtotallydepressing(Kaicouldn’targuethere) andnevercomeback,occasionallyhelpingKaisneakoutforadayathishouseinstead. Artwouldstopbyfromtimetotime,usuallywithbooks,butitwasunlikelyhe’dshow upthisearlyonabusySaturday,especiallysocloseto“kickingoutday.”Davidhad poppedinaboutonceeverysixweeksafteragingout,butafterafewmonths(anda promisehe’dcomebackforKai),he’dneverreturned.Kaihadlearnedearlynottotake muchstockinpromises.Fromanyone.Evenhis“brother.” Still,aflickeroftheforeignemotionhopeflutteredup.Birthdays,exceptfor one’s18th,passedunnotedatCountyHouse.ButDavidandKaihadalwayscelebrated eachother’sintheirownway.DavidhadtoknowKai’s18thwasinafewdays.Maybe he’dkepthispromiseafterall. “Who?”Kaiasked,thumbonhischin,indexfingerout,wiggling,eyebrows furrowed. 110 “Idon’tknow.” Kaisighedheavily.Hehadn’tplannedtodomuchbutlieinbedfeelingsorry forhimself,sohehadn’tbotheredwithhisbraces.Hewouldn’tnow,either.Notfor somestranger.Kaipushedhimselftotheedgeofthebed,liftinghislegsoffthemattress. HenoticedFrankiewastryingtogethisattention,sohelookedup. “Maybeyouwonthelottery.” KaiwatchedFrankie’sclumsyfingerspelling,thensighed.“Youneedtobe18 toplaythelottery.Besides,itdoesn’tworkthatway.”Kaigrabbedhiscrutchesfrom theirspotbesidehisbed,leaningagainstthewall.“Youdon’tknowbecauseyoudidn’t seehim,oryoudon’tknowbecauseyoudon’trecognizehim?" IttookamomentforFrankietounderstandKai,andwhenhedid,hesaid, “Oh!”Outloud,continuinginEnglish,“Ididn’tgetagoodlook.” Kaisighed,leveredhimselftohisfeet.Mightaswellgetthisoverwith. Kaicrutchedtowardthecommonroom,hisstepsechoedbyFrankie,whowas followinghimlikealostpuppy.Thedinofconversation,theoccasiongiggleorcackleof laughter,trickledouttowardthem.Kaiwassosickofthisplace,andallthesestupidkids whostillbelievedthattherewasanyoneouttherewhogavetwoshitsaboutthem.Kids likeFrankie. Kailingerednearthesidedoorway,surveyingtheroom,searchingforhis visitor.HiseyesfoundMrs.Jimenez,whosedaughterJuliahadbeenaresidentforsix yearsnow,sincesheapparentlycouldn’taffordtocareforher.Oratleastthat’swhat Juliabelieved.Next,hesawtheYoungs,areligiouscouplewhovisitedonceamonth tryingtoconvertthekidsfor“protectionoftheireternalsouls,”thoughKaididn’tsee themlininguptoadoptanyone.Last,hespiedacryingyoungwoman,standingoffto thesidebesideatoddlerinoneofthosestrollerwheelchairs,talkingtotheWarden. Anothersurrenderinthemaking.Atleastthatgirlwouldbetooyoungtorememberher parentsandhersiblings,ifshehadany.Itwaseasier.Betterthatway. ThenKaispottedGeorge,oneofJMH’sstaffASLinterpreters.Itwasunlikely he’ddroppedbytovisitKai,whichmeantsomeonehadhiredhim,freelance,tofacilitate thevisit.DavidandJakedidn’tneedaninterpreter,andArthadalwaysmanagedwell enoughwithoutone. ThenKaisawhim.Themysteriousman.Tall,thin,blondhairbuzzedcloseto hishead,grayeyessearchingtheroom.Itwasimpossible,yetwhoelsecouldthisman be?Theresemblance,thefactthatthismanhadtobeinhismid-tolate20s,was impossibletoignore.Aftertwelveyears,hadJonfinallycomeforhim? Kai’sshockmadehimmisjudgehisnextstep,andhenearlyfell,anorderly rushinguptohelp.ButKai’sglaremadethemanchangehismindasKairegainedhis balance. Hestood,watchingtheinterpreterandtheunknownmaninteract,hismind swirlingwithemotionsandthoughts.ItwasgoodGeorgewasheretospeakforhim, becausetherewasnowayhe’dmanageEnglishrightnow. GeorgeledJontoatable,gesturingforhimtosit.Jonobeyed,surprisedbyhownervous hewas,hisexcitementtemperedwithshame.Kaihadlivedtwelveyearsinthishorrible place?Whyhadn’tJontriedtofindhimsooner?CertainlyKaiwouldwonderthesame thing.MaybeKaiwouldn’tevenagreetotalktohim. GeorgesatbesideJon,butturnedtofacehimslightly.“I’mhereasa communicationfacilitator,OK?ThatmeansIamethicallyobligatedtobeaneutral 111 medium.I’mnotheretogivemyopinionsonanything,simplyinterpret.I’llsithere,and he’llsitacrossfromus,whichwillmakeitasseamlessaspossible.Don’tlookatmeor talktome.Justtalktohimlikeyouwouldanyoneelseandthinkofmeasthe‘voice’for bothofyou.” Jonpassedhishandoverhisheadafewtimes.God,whythefuckdidhecuthis hair? “Don’tsay,‘tellhim’or‘don’tinterpretthat,’becauseIwillinterpreteverything yousay.Doyouunderstand?” Jonnodded. GeorgespottedKaiinthecrowdandwavedhimover. JonwatchedasKaiusedhisforearmcrutchestomaneuverhiswayaround tablesandwheelchairsandpeople.Heseemedtowalkfairlywell,allthingsconsidered, butthewayhereliedonthesticksmeantKai’sMLSstillbotheredhim.Jonwondered howmuch.God,they’dlostsomanyyears. Next,JonnoticedhowfrailKailooked.Tall,butgangly,hisskinpale;perhaps hehadn’thithisfinalgrowthspurtyet.Jonhadn’treallyhithisuntilacoupleyears earlier.AndthoughJonhadfilledout,hewasstillthinforhisheight.Kai’shairhadalso lightenedtoashockinggoldenblond,fallinginachaoticmess,framingafacethatno longerhadthesoftlinesofaboy,butthemoreangularfeaturesofaman,ahintoffacial haironhischinandcheekswhenthelighthititjustright. Onethingthathadn’tchanged:Kai’seyes,stillthatpiercingoceanicbluethat hadlenthimhisname. Kaistoppedinfrontofthetable,smiledatGeorge,butignoredJonasheuseda crutchtiptopullthechairout,glaringdaggersatanorderlywho’dsteppedforwardto help.Sofar,Kai’sbodylanguagewasn’tagoodsignthatthiswouldgowell. Kaisettledintheseat,leaninghissticksonthetable,honinghisglareagainat thesameorderlywhenheattemptedtotouchthem.Kaiadjustedhislegswithhishands andstaredatJonforafewminutesbeforeglancingoveratGeorgeandsigning something:aone-handedflickofhishandonhischest,middlefingertouching,then somethinginacircleinfrontofhimJoncouldn’tmakeoutasmorethanablurof fingers,Kai’sfacialexpressionschangingwitheachsign.Georgesignedback, uninterpreted,afewthings,thenseemedtoberedirectingKaitohispurpose.Kaihadto knowGeorge;perhapshewasaskinghowhewasandnowGeorgewastryingtoremind Kaihewashereonajob. KaiobviouslyseemedmoreinterestedintalkingtoGeorgethantoJon. Suddenly,Jonhatedevenmorethathe’dlethissignlanguageskillslapseandwither. “Eitheroneofyoucanstartwheneveryou’reready,”Georgebothsignedand spoke. Jonhadrehearsedsomanythingshe’dwantedtosaytoKaioncetheyfinally satdowntogether,butnoneofthemcametohimnowthathewasseatedinfrontofhis brother,someonehe’dmournedforovertenyears.“Kai,it’sJon.Yourbrother.” Kaididn’trespondimmediately,butJondidobservethatKai’sbreathdidn’t comeeasily,hisneckandshouldersworkingharderthantheyshould,thoughKaididn’t showinhisfaceanydiscomfort;itwasobvioushewasusedtoneedingtobreathethis way,anditmadeJonfrownreflexively. “Whatdidyouexpect?”Kaisignedangrily,apparentlyinreactiontoJon’s frown;George’svoiceconveyedbitternessinhistone.“Aunicorn?Orperhapsthegold attheendoftherainbow?”Kai’sfacialexpressionsshowedmockjoy,whichagain, 112 Georgeconveyedinhistone.Apparentlysarcasmexistedjustaswellinsignlanguageas itdidinEnglish. “Iexpectedtofindyourdeathcertificate,”Jonsaidinaquietvoice. KaiwatchedGeorge’sinterpretation,hiseyesnarrowing,beforeglancingover atJon,studyinghim.Finally,hesignedandGeorgeinterpreted,“Well,hereIam,alive andkicking.Sorrytodisappoint.Andthekickingisn’tusuallyvoluntary,sowatch yourshins.”Morebitterness.Jonsupposedhedeservedit. “I’msorry,”Jonsaid,notsurewhatelsetosay. Kai’snostrilsflared.“Twelveyears.Youdidn’tthinktolookformeatall duringthattime?Iwouldhavelookedforyou.Itried,asbestasIcould,andthenI gaveup,becausedreamsarenothingbutvainfantasy.” Jonblinked,glancedatGeorge.DidKaijustquoteShakespearetohim,insign? “It’srudenottolookataDeafpersonwhenyou’rehavingaconversation,” Georgeexplained,signingsomething,thoughJonsuspecteditwasn’twhathehadsaid inEnglish,perhapssimplyaheadsuptoKaitoremindhimthatJondidn’tknowthe “rulesofengagement.” Kaislammedhishandonthetable,makingJonjump,butitalsomadehim lookbackatKai,whowasobviouslyevenmoreangrythanbefore.Hegesturedwithtwo fingers,pointingfromJontohisowneyes.“Lookatmewhenyoutalk.It’sbadenough youdon’tknowsign.” Jonrepeatedthesignhe’dseenGeorgeuseearlierwheninterpretinghis apology.“Sorry.” Kaisnorted.“Whyareyouhere?” Jonblinked,stoppedhimselfatthelastsecondfromlookingatGeorge.“Tosee you.OnceIfoundoutyouwerestillalive,Icamestraighthere.” “No.Why,afteralltheseyears,didyoutrytofindmenow?Whyareyouhere inJonesville?” “IstartedmyfellowshipinDesMoines,butheardaboutthedualprogramhere atJMHsoItransferred.Istartmysecondyearofficiallynextmonth.” Kai’seyesnarrowed.Heseemedtobewaitingforsomething. “Doyouhaveplansforafterthe26th?Dotheyforceyoutoleaveimmediately, ordotheygiveyouafewdays?” Kaiblinked,andhisangryfacadeseemedtochipandfalter.“Wehavetoleave byeightAMthatmorning.” “Doyouhavesomewheretostay?Ajob?” Kailookedaway,andJonwonderedifthatwasrude,too,orifitsimply expressedshamethewayitwouldinaregularhearingconversation? KaifinallylookedbackupatJon.“I’mnotgoinghomewithyou.”Ithurtto hearGeorge’svoiceasheinterpretedthosewords.Itwasn’texactlythatJonhad expectedanenthusiasticreunion,Kaielatedtoseehim,buthe’dhopedforalittleless distrust.“HowdoIevenknowyou’rereallymybrother?” ThatsurprisedJon,andhewasn’tsurewhattosay.Howcouldhe“prove”who hewas?Hefishedinhispocket,pulledouthisJMHID,offeringittoKai. Kaistudiedit,glancingupfromthepictureatJonlikeanimmigrationagent verifyinghisidentity.“You’readoctor?” Jonnodded.“I’mworkingonmypulmonologyfellowship.” KaistaredatJon,appraisinghim,thenfingerspelledsomethingbackto George,whointerpreted,“Pulmonology?” 113 Jonnodded. “That’showyoufoundme.”HepushedtheIDbackacrossthetable. “Yes.Ihaven’tbeenherelong,orIwouldhavefoundyousooner.” Kaihelduphishand,whichJoneasilyunderstoodasa“shutup”gesture. “WhatdidIdressupastheHalloweenbeforeourparentsdied?” Jonblinked,andcouldn’thelpglancingoveratGeorgebeforereturninghis gazetoKai.“What?” “TheHalloweenbeforeourparentsdied,youtookmetrick-or-treating.What didIwear?” Jonsighed.HerememberedeverythingaboutKai’sfirstsixyearsvividly;the curseontheothersideofthecointhatwastheblessingofaneideticmemory.Itwas Kai’sfirstandonly(sofarasJonknew)opportunitytogooutonHalloween,hishealth andwalkingfinallygoodenoughthattheirfatherhadallowedthenightout.Kaihad beenecstatic,andtheirfamilyhadeventakenararetriptoOmaha—totheBigCity—for adaytopickoutacostume.Kaihadselectedonebasedonhisfavoritesuperheroatthe time,TheHulk,becausehewasbigandstronganddidn’tneedtotalktogethispoint across.Ashappyasthatshoppingdaywas,thememory,andallthatfollowed—including Kai’smonth-longhospitalstaylaterthatyearfrompneumonia—madeitbittersweet. “TheIncredibleHulk!”Jonsigned,doinghisbesttoimitate,frommemory,the signsKaihadinventedasachild. Kaiblinkedfuriously,andhischintrembledbeforehegrithisteeth,hisjaw visiblyworking.“Whyareyouhere?Whatdoyouwantfromme?”Kai’ssigninghad lostitsharsh,almostviolentedge,andGeorgeechoedthisinhissoftertone. “IknowIcan’tmakeupforthelasttwelveyears,butmaybeyoucanletmetry? Ihaven’tsignedaleaseanywhereyet.Wecouldgetatwobedroom,andyoucanstay withme.Gotoschoolorworkorwhateveritisyouwanttodo.Wecangettoknoweach otheragain.” Kaibreatheduneasilyinandoutforseverallongmomentsbeforefinally signing,“Ineedtothinkaboutit.”ThenhelookedatGeorge.“George,canyougiveus fiveminutes?” “Yousure?”Georgeasked,bothsigningandspeaking,seeminglytalkingto bothofthem. Jonwasn’tsurewhatKai’splanwas,buthenodded,andGeorgerose,letting thembothknowhewouldn’tbefariftheyneededhimagain. KaislouchednowthatGeorgewasgone,drumminghisfingersonthetable overandoverandoverinanannoyingrhythm.“Youreallywantwhat?”Kaisaid,with hisvoice,toJon’sgreatamazement,evenifhispronunciationwasalittlesoft,hisfinal consonantsnotascrispastheycouldbe,his“L’s”and“R’s”soundingsimilar. JonwassoshockedhecouldhardlyprocesswhatKaihadasked.“Youcan talk?!” “Sinceagefourteen,”Kaisaidinthesameaccent.“Idon’tlike.” Jonwasdumbfounded.“SoIdidn’tneedGeorge?” Kaishookhishead.“Iprefersign.Moreeasy.Don’tneedthink.”Kaiseemedto betalkinginakindofhybridgrammarofASLandEnglish,fromwhatJoncouldrecall ofit.AsifsensingthewayJon’smindwasworking,Kaiadded,“Schoolallyeargood English.Hard.Think.Think.Think.Here,vacation.Break.” Jonblinked. “Youforgetsign,butIneedlearntalkEnglish.” 114 “Ithoughtyouweredead,Kai.Signingremindedmetoomuchofyou.I’m sorry.” Kaiwaveditoff,literally. “You’vebeenherethewholetime?” Kaihesitatedbeforefinallynodding.Hetookinabreath.“Youwereadopted.” Kaispokeslowly,inproperEnglishthistime,focusingonhispronunciation,thestop betweenthe“p”and“t”of“adopted”harsh,asifhehadtofocusonarticulatingthe sounds.Kai’sinflectionwasflat,butbasedonhisbodylanguageoftheirearlier interpretedconversation,Jonsuspecteditwasn’taquestion. “Yes.Anolderman.Hepaidformyschoolsohecouldshowmeofflikea trainedmonkey,butitgotmehere.” Kaiblinked,hisexpressionunreadable.“Youabandonedme.”Hehesitated beforethe“ed”of“abandon,”asifrememberingthetensemarkeratthelastmoment, hishandreflexivelywavingbackward,theASLindicationof“past.” “Theydruggedmeanddraggedmeaway.”JonnoticedKai’sconfusion; perhapsthetwowordssoundedtoosimilar?“Itriedtostaywithyou,buttheywouldn’t letme.WhenIfoughtthem,theyknockedmeout.Iwokeupandnoonewouldtellme whathappenedtoyou.Ithought.Iassumed.Youhadtobedead.” Kaitookthisin,hisblankmaskfadingonlyslightlyontheedges,thoughitwas stilldifficulttoread.Jonwasn’tsureifhepreferredtheangerorthis;atleastwiththe anger,heknewwhatKaiwasthinking. “Ididn’tlookforyousoonerbecauseIwasinschool,nowherenearhere.And.. .Iwasafraid.TheselasttwelveyearsIheldoutathreadofhopethatmaybeyouwere stillalive,andmaybe,unconsciously,IknewthatthemomentIsawitinblackand white,thatyouhad...died....” Kaiblinked,butdidn’tsayorsignanything. “Saraisdead,”Jonsaid,shockedathowitjustcameout,harshandbluntand sudden. Kaileanedback;someofhismaskslipped. “Leukemia,fiveyearsago.” Kaiswallowedbutsaidnothing. “We’reallwehaveleft,Kai.Ifyouhavesomewheretogowhenyouturn eighteen,fine.Iwon’tstopyou.Butifyoudon’t...”Jonshookhishead.“IwishIcould takeyouawayfromthisplacerightnow.Today.” Kailaughed,aharshsound.Eventhoughhe’dspokenseveralsentences,itstill feltstrangeforJontohearhisbrother’slaughter,whichhadalwaysbeensilent.“Iam notapuppy.Youcan’tpaya$10licensefeeandtakemehome.”JonnoticedKaiwas attemptingtouseproperEnglishgrammarandpronunciationnow,thoughhestruggled with“license.” “ThenI’llcomegetyouonyourbirthday.We’llfindanapartmentthatworks forbothofus.I’llgetyouacar—” “Drivehow?Idon’tknow,”Kaisaid,slippingonhisgrammar,thoughhekept hisconsonantsabnormallysharp. “Thenyoucanlearn.” Kaiseemedtorelax,asparkleappearinginhiseyesforthefirsttimesincehe’d walkedintotheroom.Hehesitatedforamoment,asiftryingtoformulatetheEnglishin hishead,beforespeaking.“CouldIhaveawheelchair?OneIdon’tneedshare?”Kai wasn’texcitedbytheprospectofhisownroomorevenhisowncar,buttheideaof 115 havingawheelchairalltohimself.Didthatmeanhedidn’thaveonehere?Thathehad tosharewiththeotherchildren? “Ofcourse,”Jonsaid.“Wecangoandhaveyoumeasuredsoyoucangetone thatfitsyouperfect,inanycoloryouwant.” Kaibeamedthen,andforaninstant,Joncaughtaglimpseofthechildhe rememberedbeforeKaiforcedthesmileaway,replacingitwithskepticism.“Youwant whatfromme?”Kaiaskedagain.“Ihavemoneynone.” “Idon’tneedmoney.Justtoknowyou,”Jonsaid,hidinghisexasperationat Kai’scontinuedlackoftrust.HehadnoideawhatKai’slifehadbeenliketheselast twelveyearstomakehimsoleeryofacceptinghelporgifts,evenfromhisownbrother. Kaihelduphislefthandwiththreefingers—thumb,index,andmiddle— outstretched,pointingtooneatatimeashespoke.“Idon’tbreathegood.Idon’twalk good.Idon’ttalkgood—unlessItryhardhard,”Kaisaid,thefinalstoponhis“don’ts” particularlyharsh.“Youwilllearnsign?”Kaihadtopausetomakesureheaddedthe inflectionattheend,thoughhisraisedeyebrowsgaveawaythatitwasaquestion. “Yes,”Jonsaid.“Iwillhelpyoufindajob,ifthat’swhatyouwant.Iwillhelp yougetintocollege,ifthat’swhatyouwant.Iwanttomakeupforourlostyears.That’s theonlythingthatIwantfromyou.”JonsighedatKai’scontinueddoubt.“Andyoucan alwayschangeyourmindlater.Whatdoyousay?Brothersagain?”Jonfinishedinsign, hopinghegotitright,straininghismemory. Kai’sfaceflickeredinabriefsmile,repeatedJon’ssignwhilenodding. “Brothersagain.” 116 November17,2000 Kaiansweredthedoor,rollingbackwardstogiveReneespacetoenter.Hewassmiling, thatsmileshe’dcometolearnwashers,becauseheonlyeverflasheditwhenhewas lookingather.Itwasn’ttoobroadortoopinched,justalittleteethshowing,andslightly lopsided,anditusuallywentwithakindoffar-off,mistylookinhiseyes.Henibbledhis lip. “Sowhat’sgoingon?”Sheunzippedhercoatandhungitononeofthehooksat wheelchairheightnearthedoor,alsoveryconvenientlyplacedforsomeoneaspetiteas shewas. “Uh,IhavesomethingIwanttoshowyou,”Kaisaid,suddenlynervous,rapidly doinga180andpushingtowardthehallway.Reneefollowedafewstepsbehind, watchedasKaiwheeledtothekitchentable,pulledoutoneofthechairs,andarrangedit soitwasfacingoutward.Hegesturedforhertosit. Reneelookedathim,perplexed,butobeyed. Kaipushedtowardhertilltheirkneestouched,anditmadeherstomachdance. “Just...justwaithere,OK?I’ll...I’llberightout.”Redhadcreptuphisneck,andhe smiledanothernewsmile,thisoneslimandshy,beforehurryingintohisbedroom. Nervouswasn’tnormallyanemotionKaistruggledwith.Anxiety,yes,butnervousness? Hepushedtohisdresserandscannedtheprescriptionbottlesuntilhefoundtheonehe waslookingfor,tappingoutahydroxyzineintohispalmandswallowingitdry.Justin case.Heclosedhiseyes,tookafewsteadyingbreaths.Hisbodywastellinghimno!,his heartracing,hisstomachknotting,butifhedidn’tlistentoit,herememberedhow excitedhewasandhowmuchhewantedReneetobetheonetosharethismomentwith him. Swallowing,Kaiwheeledtothedoor,openingitjustacrack.Thenheangledhis chaircarefully,setthebrakes,andusedhishandstopushhimselfforwardontheseat. Hecouldfeelhisbodywantingtopanic,butthehydroxyzineworkedquickly,andhe focusedhardonhisbreathing,oneachminortaskashedidthem,forcinghisbrainaway fromtheanxiety,asDr.Millerhadcoachedhim.Healsokeptinmindhowexcitedand happyhewas,pushingawaythenegativefeelings. Oncehisfeetwereonthefloor,inposition,Kaireachedforhiscrutches,angled againstthewallnearby,slippinghisarmsintothem.Heopenedandclosedhisfistsa fewtimesonthegrips,tookadeepbreath,thenplacedthetipsandheavedhiswaytohis feet.Heshiftedhisweightuntilheheardhisleftbracelock,thenagaintouseonecrutch tiptopushthedooropentherestoftheway.Evenwiththemedicineandthemental prep,hefeltlikehewasgoingtothrowuphisracingheart.ItwasonethingforReneeto seehimwalkingwithoutthesticks,anotherforhertoseehiminthechair,butthe crutcheschangedeverything.Theywereliketwogiantyellowhighlighterstrokesonhis abnormalgait. She’sseenyouontheparallelbars,walkingworsethanthis,Kaireminded himselfashetookhisfirstfewstepsoutofhisroomandintothemainareaofthe apartment.Carefullyplantingeachcrutch,negotiatinghisrightlegforward,whichstill draggedalittle,waitingfortheposteriorlockathiskneetoengage,thenrotatinghis bodytohisrightsidetohelphisleftfootclearthefloor,partiallyusingthecrutchesto 117 pullhislockedleftlegforward. HelookeduptoseeRenee’sexpression,butitwasunreadable,andhisanxiety spiked,heldbackonlybythedrug.Hestoodinthedoortothehall,leaningonhis crutches,moderatinghisbreathinganddesperatelytryingtomaintainhisneutralmask asReneeroseandwalkedtowardhim.Shereachedout,smoothedonehandoverthe tensemuscleofaforearm,thendippedherheadbacktolookupathim,smiling,since evenwiththeslightlean,hewasnearlyafootandahalftallerthanher. Shegentlyarchedherbrows,thendrewherhandoverherforeheadinthesign for“forget.”Shepointedathim,thenstoodontiptoesasshegesturedintheairto indicate“reallytall,"shiftingherfacialexpressiontoemphasizeherpoint.She’dsaid,in ASL,“Iforgothowtallyouare.” Itwaslikeshe’dstuckaneedleintotheballoonofhisanxiety,immediately burstingit,leavingroomforahostofotheremotionstocomerushingin,allbattlingfor expression.“Mydoctorjustclearedmeyesterday....Iwantedyoutobethefirst...” Reneesmiledupathim,asked,strictlywithherbodylanguage,ifshecouldhug him.Henodded,hisownsmileappearingasshethreadedherarmsbetweenhisandhis body,wrappingthemaroundhiswaist.Hertouchimmediatelyrelaxedhim,comforted himinawayhehadn’tevenrealizedhe’dneededuntilhefeltit.Perhapsbecauseshe justacceptedhim.NotunlikeNikki,yetnotquitelikeher,either. “Ifthishadneverhappened,thatwouldhavebeenOK,”shesaid,lookingup, hereyessincere.“ButI’mhappyforyou,Kai.AndI’mreallygladyouchosetoshareit withmelikethis.” Kailetoutalongbreath.“Ican’twalktoofarorstandtoolong,but...doyou wanttogosomewhere?SomewhereIcouldn’tgointhechair?” “Sure,”shesaidwithaplayfulhalfsmile,slippingonehandpartiallyintohis pocket. “Youdon’tmind?PeoplestarewhenI’minthechair,butlikethistheygape. Andthey’llbestaringatyou,too.Ifitmakesyouuncomfortable...” “Iwaitedweeksjusttotalktoyouagain.Youthinkacouplecrutchesaregoing toscaremeoff?” Kaishiftedhisweight,freeingupanarm.Hedroppeditoutofthecrutchsohe couldpullReneeclosertohiminabriefhug.“I’mgladyou’resopersistent,becauseI’m anidiot.” Reneechuckled.“Icouldatoldyouthat.ButIstillloveyou.”KaifeltRenee stiffen,thenclearherthroat.“Uh,youknowwhatImean.”Butshedidn’tletgo,andKai realizedhearingthatword,fromRenee,wasn’tterrifying. Itwaswonderful. EventhoughKaihadwarnedher,andshe'dbeenoutwithhimbefore,inhischair,the lookshegarneredamazedher.Pity.Curiosity.Disgust.Andhe'dbeenright:shegot them,too,thoughherswereslightlydifferent.Confusion.Appreciation.Skepticism.Like peopleweretryingtoworkouthermotivationforbeingwithhim.Sheforcedherselfto ignorethegapersandfocusonKai.Hedidn'tmovequicklyoreasily,buthedidhavehis ownquirkyrhythm,andshelovedthewayhishandsandarmslookedastheysupported hisweightwitheachcrutch.Itwasanadjustment,again,tohisheight,andsherealized partofhermissedthechair.Butsheknewwhatahugemilestonethiswas,howmuchit meanttohim,andherinsidesstillbuzzedwiththefactthathe'dwantedhertobethe firsttoseehimwalkingagain,outsideofPT.Shelovedhisquietdetermination,and 118 realizednomatterwhattheironlookersmightthinkofher,they'dneverguesswhatshe wasreallyfeeling.Pride.Attraction.Affection. Shehadexpectedthingstobealittleawkwardforhimwithbothhands occupiedastheywerebythecrutches,butapparently,eventhoughshehadneverseen himusingthembefore,itdidn’tmeantheywerenewtohim.Attheticketcounter,he simplyadjustedhisweight,slippedoutofonecrutch,leaningitagainstthesurface,and reachedbackforhiswallet,managingtoextractthemoneyfromitsinglehanded.He’d handleddoorssimilarlysmoothly,atleastfromherperspective,standingofftotheleft, droppinghisarmoutofitscrutchandpullingitopen,sometimesusingthecrutchto pushthedooropenfartherbeforeplantingthetipbackontheground.Shewassurehe’d managebyhimself,butyearsofindoctrinationbyhergrandmothermeantshecouldn’t resistholdingitforhimoncehegotitopen. Thetheaterwaspacked,andReneewasgratefulthey’doptedtoseeRequiem foraDream,amorecerebralfilmthathadbeenoutamonthinsteadofthenight’s blockbusterrelease,The6thDay.Kaihadconfessedhedidn’tlikecrowds,especially nowthathewasimmunocompromised,andthoughhe’dwornascarftocoverhismouth andnose,hehopedhewouldn’thavetowearitorthesurgicalmaskhe’dbroughtiftheir showingwasmostlyempty. Evenwithoutthemask,though,mostpeopleseemedtogiveKaiawideberth, asifhewerecontagious.Asifthey’dsomehowcatch“crippled.”Reneecouldn’thelp rollinghereyes. “IthinkIcancountthenumberoftimesI’vegonetothemoviesononehand,” Kaisaid,standingjustinsidethedoorway,lookingaround.“WithoutusingASL,”he addedwithagrinshecouldseeasasparkleinhiseyes. “Well,consideringwhatpassesfor‘qualitycinematicentertainment’lately,I don’tthinkyou’vemissedmuch.”Reneeangledhernecktolookupathimwithherown grin. Henudgedhischintowardtheconcessions.“Youwantanything?I’mafraid you’llhavetocarryityourself,but...”Heofferedaslightshrug. “I’mgood,”shesaid,layingherhandlightlyontopofoneofhis,whichgripped thehandleofhiscrutchtightly.“ButIdon’tmindcarryinganythingifyouwant something.” Kaiendedupgettingsomewaterandaboxofcandy—Reneehadlearnedprettyquickly thatKaihadasweettooththesizeofMt.Rushmore,anditwassomethingabouthim shefoundenormouslyendearing.Heviewedeatingasachore,butputsomethingsugary infrontofhim,andhiseyeswouldlightuplikeachild’s.Infact,themoreshewaswith Kai,themoresherealizedhewasalmostliketwodifferentpeople:whohewasinfront ofstrangersorthosehedidn’tknowwell,andthepersonhewaswithfriendsandfamily —withher.Atfirst,heseemedquiet,reserved,distant,cold,butinreality,hewassmart andfunny,moresensitivethanhewaswillingtoadmit,andsweetasthetreatsheloved. Theyenteredthetheaterfortheirmovie,oneofthemid-sizedones,witha flightofgentlyslopingstairsoneachsideoftherowsofseats.Itwasempty,savefora fewpeopleuptowardtheback,sincethey’darrivedextraearlyfortheshow.Ifyou’re withme,you’llgetusedtoshowingupearlyforeverything,heexplained.Itmakes thingseasier,givesmetimetofigureouthoworifIcangetinsomewhere. “Takethisoffforme?”Kaiasked,holdinghischinup. Renee’seyebrowsfurrowed.“Areyousure?” 119 “Ifitgetsmorecrowded,I’llputonamask.Ipromise,”Kaisaid.“Butthisis hot.” Shechuckled,stoodontiptoetocarefullyunwindthescarffromaroundhis face.Heshookhishead,tossinghishaireverywhere,makingherlaugh. “Ah,that’sbetter.Thanks.” Shefollowedhimpastthefrontrowsofseats,towardthetieredseating,nearly bumpingintohimwhenhepausedatthefootofthestairs,asifhavingsecondthoughts. Shehuggedhimquicklyfrombehind.“Idon’tmindthefrontrowifyou’renotuptoit.” “No,Ineedto...wanttodothis.”Heseemedtobeassessingthepath,asif planninghowhe’dtackleit.Finally,hesaid,“Goaheadofme.IfIfall—whichIshouldn’t —Idon’twanttohurtyou.Andthatwayyoucansitdownwithouthavingtoclimbover me.” “MaybeI’dlikethat,”Reneeteased,thenflushedred. Kaismiledslyly,hislipspressedtogether,butsaidnothing,waitingforherto hopupafewstairs. “Howfar?” “Uh,givemeacouplestepsandI’llletyouknow.” Reneenodded,waitingpatiently. Thestepswerewideandclosetogetherinheight,givingKairoomtoplacehis crutchescarefully,usingthemtohelppulleachlegup,oneatatime.Hemanagedhis rightfairlyeasily,buthisleftwasmoreofachallenge,sinceitdidn’tbend.Butlike everythingReneehadobservedthisevening,Kaihandledit,readjustinghiscrutches andrightfootuntilhegottheanglesuchhecouldpullhisleftlegup.Hisfaceshowed hisobviousconcentration,butonceheclearedastep,he’dlookupandsmileather,a versionofhersmile,withahintofthatshyonehe’dshownherearlier. Itcontinuedtosurpriseherhowsexyhewas,nomatterwhathewasdoing. Whetheritwassomethingassimpleassittingbesideher,reading,hisgoldenhairfalling inhisfaceashebentoverabook,orworkinghard,ashewasnow,atsomething everyoneelse—evenshe—tookforgranted—herheartbeatalittlefaster,doingitsmini tangoinherchest.Sherealized,eventhoughshe’donlyknownhimsinceAugust,and onlyreallygottentoknowhimoverthepastfewweeks,thateverythingshewasfeeling aboutKaicouldbecondensedintooneshortword.Love.Ithadleakedoutearlierby mistake,butshehadn’treallyregrettedit.Thelight,bubblyfeelinginherstomach whenevershewasnearhim.Knowingshewantedtobewithhimnomatterwhathewas doing.RealizinghowbadlyshewasgoingtomisshimnextweekwhileshewasinNew Orleansfortheholiday. Halfwayupthestepstothefourthrowhepaused,notquitebreathinghard,but obviouslytired,leaningheavieronhiscrutches.Henudgedhischintowardtherow.“Go aheadandsit.Ithinkthisisgoodenough.”Heflashedasmile,butitdidn’tlast. Sheobeyed,easingintotherow,butnottakingaseatyet,watchingashe leanedforwardslightly,pushinghardagainstthefloorwithhiscrutchestopullhisleft legupthefinalstep.Thenheshiftedhiscrutches,twistinghistorsoandtakinga cautiousangledstepwithhisrightlegsoheturnedafewdegrees,paused.Hisfeetwere nowatstrangeangles,nearlyperpendiculartoeachother,hislefttoespointedtoward hisrightheel.Heplantedhiscrutchesonebyone,againpullinghisbodytoshifthisleft leg.Kaihadpositionedhimselfataboutathirty-degreeangletotherow,facingthe front.Heeasedonecrutch,thenhisrightfootintotherow,thenfollowedwiththeother crutch,usinghisupperbodytogethisleftleginplace.Thenheadjustedhisweight, 120 shiftingittohisleftcrutch,andslippedoutofhisright. “Takeit,”hesaid,offeringittoher. Shedid,surprisedathowcoolthemetalfeltinherhands,waitingforhimto finish,figuringifheneededherhelphe’daskforit,likehehadjustnowwiththecrutch. Kaicastaquickglanceoverhisshouldertocheckhisposition,hislefthand grippingtightlyonitshandle,hisknuckleswhite.Hetwisted,bending,hisrighthand reachingbackforthearmrest.Itwasaprecariousmoment,hisrightlegunlocked,andif heweregoingtofall,it’dbenow.Buthedidn’t,bracinghimselfonthearmrestwithhis righthand,usingthatarmtopullhisbodytowardtheseat.Oncehewaspartiallysecure there,hereleasedhisgriponhisleftcrutchhandleinfavoroftheotherarmrest,finally sinkingintotheseatwithasigh.Hisrightlegwasbent,buthisleftlaystraight,sticking outintotheaisle.Heremovedhissecondcrutch,stooditbetweenhislegstemporarily, thecuffbalancedagainstthebackofthenextrowofseats,thenfoundthereleaseforhis leftknee,unlockingthebrace.Hepulledonhisjeanstomaneuverhislegoutofthepath ofthestairs,thenofferedReneehissecondcrutch. Kaiblewoutaharshbreath,smiledather.“Couldyouputthatbesideyou? Justleanthemtogether,orputthemontopoftheseatsifnooneneedstositthere.”He unzippedhiscoatandhurriedlypulleditoff;hischeekswereflushedandhehadtobe hot,butsheknewhe’dadjustedhiscuffsbeforehe’dlefttoaccommodatehisjacket.For thatandotherreasons,itwaseasierforhimtowaituntilhewassittingtoremoveit.He watchedherpositionhiscrutches.“Don’tletthemfall,ifyoucan.” Reneecarefullycheckedthattheyweresecure,addinginherowncoatandhis scarftohelpkeeptheminplace.“Idon’tblameyou;thisflooriskindofsticky.” Kailaughedlightly,thengrabbedthearmrestsagaintofurtheradjusthisbody, pausingtomanipulatealegwhenitwouldcatch.Probablyastrapofhisbraceonthelip oftheseat.“Whoeverinventedfoldingseatsobviouslydidn’thaveanythingwrongwith hislegsorarms.”Heleanedbackandsighed,buthehadafaintsmileonhisface.“Life withmewillneverbeboring,I’llpromiseyouthat.”Heusedhishandstostretchhislegs outasfarasthespacewouldallow,grinnedwhensheofferedhimhisbottleofwater. “I’mgoingtomissyounextweek,”hesaid,openingthebottle. Shewatchedhimtakealongdrink,watchinghisAdam’sapplebobashe swallowed,eagertoleanforwardandkisshisneck.“I’mgoingtomissyou,too.” Hesmiled,sethiswaterinthecupholder,andstartedmassaginghishands, workinghisfingersintothepalmofhisoppositehand,thentheknuckles,flexinghis fingers.Shewonderedifhehurtafterallthatcrutching,butshetreasuredthisquiet momentwithhim,sittingtogether,thewayhe’dglanceoveratherfleetinglyandflasha quicksmilebeforelookingbackdownathishands.ItoccurredtoReneethatshedidn’t justlovetobewithhim,shewasproud.Itwasastrangefeeling,sincewiththeguysshe usuallydated,shealwaysfeltmorelikeanaccessorythanagirlfriend,astatussymbol,a cuteface.Kainevermadeherfeellikethat—notthatshedidn’tthinkhefoundher beautiful;sheknewhedid.Instead,shefeltmorelikeequals,partners.Kainever assumedwhatshewasthinking,whatshewantedwaswhathewanted.Itwasevident thestaresdidn’tfazehim,buthe’dbeencognizantthattheymightbotherher.She’d bravetheharshestlookstospendtimewithhim,butthefactthathe’dconsideredher feelingsanddesiresmeantsomething.Mostguysshe’dbeenwithbeforedraggedher along,notevenawareshemightthinkotherwise.LikeJude. Renee’sthoughtswereinterruptedasagroupofguysabouttheiragewandered in,laughingandtalkingandwhackingeachotherastheyjoked,joggingupthestairs. 121 Theydidn’tlookliketheRequiemforaDreamtype,andshewonderedifThe6thDay wassoldoutandthey’dheardtherewassexandnudityinthisfilm.Whentheyreached thefourthrow,theystopped,staredatKai,apparentlywaitingforhimtogetup. ReneesawKailetoutalongbreathbeforetiltinghisheaduptolookatthe threeguys.“Look,it’snoteasyformetostandupandsitbackdown,socouldyougo around?” Thethreedudesglancedateachother,whisperingastheynoticedKai’s crutches,thehintofmetalandplasticathisankle,peekingoutfromthebottomofhis pants.Theonewhoseemedtobetheleaderrolledhisshoulders,crackedhisneckashe nudgedittowardthefrontofthetheater.“Cripseatsaredownthere.” “Yes,”Kaisaid,“andtheysuck.Goaround.Orsitinanotherrow.Don’tbea jerk.” “Ohyeah?”theleadersaid,lookingtohisfriendswitha“watchthis”look,then leaningforwardandgrabbingKai’sshirt.“Who’sbeingthejerkhere?” Kai’seyesdroppedtotheguy’shands,butotherwise,hedidn’tmove.“Don’t touchme,”hesaid,hisvoicelevel,thoughthethreatwasclear. “Wait.Irecognizeyou,”theleadersaid,stillgrippingKai’sshirt. ReneenoticedKai’seyesnarrow,hislipspresstogether,butotherwise,hewas outwardlycompletelycalm. “You’rethatlittlespazzyretardedkid.Kyle?”Theleaderlaughed,turnedtohis friendsandstartedspeakinginamockingaccent,imitatingadeaformentally handicappedperson’sspeech.“Ooh,lookatme!I’mgoingtothemovies!Oohboy!”The leadercontinuedtomockKaitohisfriends,laughing,andhedidn’tnoticewhenKai reachedup,grabbedeachwrist,pressinghisthumbsintotheflesh,forcingthejokerto letgowithahowlofpain. “Isaid,don’tbeajerk,”Kaihissed,shovinghimbackintohisbuddies,whohad toscrambletocatcheachothertopreventallthreeofthemfromtumblingdownthe stairsinaheap. Kaiclosedhiseyes,tookafewbreaths,thenturnedtoRenee,offeringaslim smile.“YouOK?” Reneelookedathimasifhewerecrazy,thinking,AmIOK?AreyouOK?,but instead,shejustnodded. “Good,”hesaidwithhisownnod,puttinghisarmsup,linkinghisfingersand stretchinghisbackandshoulders. Reneewatchedasthethreepunkscollectedthemselves,walkingaroundtothe othersetofstairs,castingsurreptitiousglancesatKaiwhilewhisperingtoeachother. Finally,Kailoweredhisarms,sighedcradledhisneck,.“Incaseitwasn’t alreadyobvious,Iwenttohighschoolwiththoseguys.Iusedtobesmallandscrawny, andIwasjustlearningtospeak,soIhadaweirdaccent.Plus,sometimes,especially whenIwasnervousorstressed,mybrainwouldgetconfusedandI’dtalkinakindof oralASL,whichsoundslikebrokenEnglish....Anyway,withthecrutchesandspasms andallthat,let’sjustsayIwasn’texactlythehomecomingking.” Reshiftedinherseatsoshewasalmostsittingsideways,tookoneofhisarms andhuggedit.“Well,Ilikeyoujustthewayyouare,”shesaid,smiling.Thenshepulled backtosign,kissingherfistandcastingitdownward,“LOVEA-S-L.” Kaibeamed.“YOULEARN-FAST.” Shegiggled.“Ihaveagoodteacher,”shesaidwhilesigning,“YOUGOOD TEACHER.” 122 Reneewaspracticallydancingassheledthewayoutofthetheater.Despitethedarkness ofthefilm,shewasdelightfullyhappy,spinningaroundeveryfewfeettosmilebroadly backathim,clearlyenjoyingtheirtimetogether.Shedidn’tseemtocarethatpeople staredortauntedhim—insteadofbeingembarrassedbytheharassmentofhisformer highschoolclassmates,she’dsimplyhuggedhisarmthroughoutmostofthefilm, occasionallyglancingathimwiththisenrapturedlookhecouldn’tbelievewasreserved forhim. “Oh,Kai,canwe,please?”shesquealedasshepointedtoaphotobooth, rushinguptoit. Hejoinedher,staringatit.Itwasabadideaforsomanyreasons.Themost obviousbeingwhoknewhowmanygermsthethingharbored,andsecond,thebooth wastinyandcramped,noteasyforamanhissizetosqueezehimselfintoevenifhewere ablebodied.ButRenee’seyeswerefilledwithsuchpurechildlikeexuberancehedidn’t thinkhecouldstandtodisappointher. “Imean,uh,ifyouthinkyoucanmanage,”shesaid,deflating,apparently readingthehesitationinhiseyes. Hesighed,thoughhekeptitsoft.“Icanmanage,”hesaid,offeringherasweet smile.“Foryou.”Hetookamomenttoassessthesituation,shiftinghisweighttoone crutchsohecoulddrophishandoutofhisotherandpullthecurtaintotheside.The spacewassmall,butthatcouldpotentiallybeanadvantage.Hestudiedtheanglesone moretimebeforeslippingoutofonecrutchcompletely.“Holdthis.” Hemadesurehewasbalancedonhisleftside,thenusedhisfreehandtohelp lifthisrightfootforward,intothebooth.Hebracedhishandonthewall,usingthatand hisleftcrutchtohelppullhimselfinanddownontothebench.Hetookamomentto catchhisbreathbeforeslippingoutofhisleftcrutchandguidinghisotherlegin, unlockingthebrace. Reneepeekedin,beamingpuresunshineraysofhappiness,acceptinghis secondcrutch,sincetheredidn'tappeartobeanyroomforhimtoleantheminthe booth.Hewatchedherproppingthemagainsttheoutsidewall,whichmadehim nervous. Perhapsshesensedhisanxiety,soshesmiled.“Nooneisgoingtotakethem, Kai.We’llonlybeafewminutes.” Ofcourse,Reneehadnowaytoknowthathadhappenedtohimbefore,more thanonce,andwithhishighschool“buddies”possiblystilllooseinthetheater,perhaps bentonrevengeafterhehumiliatedthem....ButReneewasright.Itwasonlyafew minutes,andhedidn’treallyhaveachoice. “Just...anglethemsoIcanseethetipsbelowthecurtain.Please.” Anotherwomanmighthaveprotested,oraccusedhimofbeingparanoid,but onelookinRenee’seyestoldhimthatsheunderstood,andsoinsteadofleavingthem outside,sheclimbedin,carefullysandwichingthembetweenthefrontandbackwalls, angled,thetipsunderthebench.SinceKaiwassotall,theyjustbarelyfit,anditmeant theyblockedthedoorway,buttheywereinside,andwiththecurtaindrawnback,would beimpossibletofilchsurreptitiously. Hecouldn’tbegintoexpressthereliefthatsweptoverhim,butthankfully,he didn’thaveto.Shesimplykissedhim,refusingtolethimpayforthephotos.“Theywere myideaafterall.” Shesettledintohislap,andheheldherwaistassheaddedmoneytothe 123 machine.“Ready?”Shelaughedandkissedhimonthecheekjustasthecamerastarted clickingaway,andhelookedather,andshelookedathim,andtheybothsmiledashe realizedasbigapainastheboothwas,itwasworthit,toseehersmilingathimlike that. “So,whatdidyouthinkofthemovie?”Kaiasked.Theyweresettledinaquietback cornerofTheChippedMug,thelittlecoffeeshopnearcampuswherethey’dmetway backatthebeginningofthesemestersoReneecouldgiveKaiacopyofhernotes.Itfelt likeforeverago,eventhoughithadonlybeenafewmonths. “Itwas...intense,”Reneehedged,sippinghercoffee.Shewascurledupina chair,herfeettuckedup,butKaisatacrossfromher,hislonglegsstretchedout, slouchedslightly,lookingtired,hiscrutchesleaningagainstthewallwithineasyreach, hiscoatandscarfinhislap.Initially,he’doptedforahotchocolate,butafterasecond’s contemplationhadchangedittoherbaltea.He’dexplainedthatcaffeinemadehim jittery(eveninsmallamounts),andthatformostofhislifehe’dtakenadrug— theophylline—thatwasrelatedtocaffeine,soitwasdangeroustocombinethem.Asa result,he’dgrownupnotdrinkinganythingcaffeinated,andeventhoughtechnicallyhe coulddrinkthosethingsnow,itwaspartiallyhabitandpartiallynotlikingthewaythe drugmadehimfeel—restlessandagitated. Kailaughed.“Itakeityouneverreadthebook.” “Andyouhave,ofcourse.” Kaishrugged.“Acoupletimes.It’sprettybrilliantlycrafted.” Reneesmiled.“Sotellmeaboutit,ProfessorFox,becausehonestly,Iwaslost inthechaos.” Kaichuckled.“Basically,it’sacommentontheidealoftheAmericandream, andhowallthesecharactersweretryingtoachieveit,butinsteadofdoingsothrough hardworkandsacrifice,theyeachtookdrugsasashortcut.Andthat,ofcourse,ledto theirdownfalls.” “Wow,”Reneesaid,sittingupalittlestraighter.“Ineverwouldhavegotten that.” Kaishrugged.“GrowingupDeaf,Idon’tknowmuchaboutmusic,buta ‘requiem’isasongforthedead.SothebookisbasicallysayinghowtheAmericandream isdead.It’samyththatcan’tbeachieved.Atleastthat’smyinterpretationofit,andyou probablyalreadyknowmycynicmeterisprettyhigh.” Reneeletthissinkinamoment.“Wow,”shesaidagainwhennootherwords wouldcometoher.“Thattotallyputsthemovieinanewlight.Remindmetomakesure Itakemyrequiredlitcoursewithyou.” Kaismiledshyly,visiblyuncomfortablewiththepraise,arareshowofemotion henormallywouldhavehid.“Jon’sthesmartbrother.I’mthehandsomeone,”hesaid withaself-mockinggrin,tryingtotakecontroloftheconversationagainandmaking light. “Youarehandsome,”Reneesaidwithaflirtatioussmile.“Butyou’realsosmart, Kai.Likeyourmakeuppaper.Icouldneverhavewrittenanythinglikethat.” Hisfacetwitched,likehecouldn’tdecideonanemotion,beforehidingitinhis cupashesippedsometea. “You’realsoprettyawesome,thewayyouhandledthosejerksinthetheater.” Kaishrugged. “Really.Youwereallninjacool.” 124 ThatmadeKailaugh,asudden,sharpsound.“Inhighschool,Ididbreaka guy’snosewithmycrutchesonce.” Reneerolledhereyes,butshewassmiling,wishingshewerecloser,layingher headononeofhisstrongshoulders.“Idon’tthinkI’dbelievethatcomingfromanyone elsebutyou.”Reneeshiftedinherseat,sethercoffeeaside,thenattemptedtosign, fingerspellingthelastword,sinceshedidn’tknowthesignforit,“Youmakemefeel safe.” Kaismiledfaintly,butsweetly,demonstratingthesignfor“safe”:armscrossed atthewristinfrontofhisbody,thenbreakingapart,awayfromhim. “SINCELONGTIMEIDON’TFEELSAME,”Reneesigned,hopingthatmeant whatshe’dintended:shehadn’tfeltlikethat—safe—inalongtime.Notlikeshedidwith Kai. ApparentlyitwasenoughKaiunderstoodher.“I’msorry.”Hesethisdrink aside,thencontinued,allinsign,slowingdownforhersake,“It’ssilly,butyoumakeme feelsafe,too.”Hisshysmilereappearedagain. Renee’sheartswelled,notonlybecauseshe’dunderstoodhim,butbecauseof whathesaid. ReneeclutchedKai’scrutchesashepropelledhimselfintoherapartment,lettingthe momentumtakehimintoaslightglidebeforeexecutingasmoothturntofaceher, smiling.“Afterallthatwalking,thisfeelswonderful,”hesaid,spinningaroundonce, makingReneelaugh.“Yousureyouwantmetospendthenight?” Shenodded,approachinghim,takingoneofhishandsandplacingitonher hip. Kaicheckedhereyesbeforelettinghispalmslidealonghercurves,uptoward herbreasts,thendowntoherass. “Iwantyoutostay,”shesaid,hervoicebreathyashecaressedher,thoughhe wascautious,keepinghishandsontopofherclothes,watchinghereyesforanysignof panicorfear.“IwanttospendeverylastminuteIcanwithyou.”Hervoicehitchedashe teasedhernipples.Hewouldn’tpushher,butoh,God,ifhecouldtouchher,tasteher, havehertouchhim.... Hiscockstrainedagainsthisjeans.He’dtakenhismedsearlier,buthestillhad hisbraceson,thoughhe’dsettleforaquickhandjobatthispoint.Anythingtolessen thechanceReneemightchangehermind. “Diane’salreadygonehome,sowehavetheplacetoourselves,”Reneeadded, squirmingbeneathhistouch,herfacedelightfullyflushed,herlipspursedandhead tiltedbackjustabit. “Mmm,”hesaid,drawinghercloser,spreadingherlegssoshestoodoverhis, liftingthehemofhersweatertoexposeherpalebelly,plantingkissesthere.“Letme makeyoufeelgood,Re,”Kaisaidbetweenkisses. Shedidn’trespondimmediately,butoneofherhandsfistedhishairandshe archedintohistouchasheteasedlower,onehandsupportingher,theotherstilltickling atoneofhernipples. Sheletoutasighandpulledaway,soheimmediatelystopped,hisheadfoggy, hiscockandballsaching,butheforcedhimselftofocus.He’dmadeherapromise,and evenifitdrovehiminsanewithfrustratedlust,he’dkeepit. “Wedon’thavetodoanythingexceptsleep,”hesaidwhenhecouldn’treadher face. 125 Shenodded,leadinghimtowardherbedroom.Hefollowed. Renee’sbedroomwasmoreorlesswhatyou’dexpectfora19-year-oldcollege girl,femininebutpracticalandtidy.Asmalldeskandaqueen-sizedbeddominatedthe room,butKainoticedacouplerugsrolledupandstackedinafarcorner—she’dgiven thisthought.Thatwasgood,becausehedidn’twanthertofreakoutandshutdownon himasshehadtheothernight,eveniftheydidjustsleeptogether. Shelaidhiscrutchesagainstthewall,thenapproachedhim,tuggingathis shirt.Hesmiled,reachedbackandpulleditoverhishead,lovingthewayhereyeslitup withappreciationandlustatthesightofhisbarechest.Lovinghowhedidn’tneedto hideitfromheranymore. Shedraggedafingeralonghisshoulderandcollarbone,usingittoliftupthe chainofhismedicalIDjewelry.“Doyousleepwiththis?” Kainodded.Hedidn’tliketo,butnotwearingitwhilehewassleepingdefeated thepurpose.Hisbreathingshiftedassheteasedhisskin,followingthechain,tracinghis scars.“Re,mybraces—” Sheshushedhimwithakiss,leaningforward,ahandslidingoverhisthigh,not quitereachinghiscrotch,butclose,makinghimmelt,hisbreathingquickandfast.Her fingerscurledalongthetopstrapofhisbraces,bunchingthefabricofhisjeans.Kissing himmorehungrily,pullingalong,lowmoanfromsomewheredeepinhischest. Finally,shesteppedback,smiling,lookingalmostrelieved,whichconfusedhis lust-addledbraininitiallyuntilherealizedshemightbegladJudewasn’truining anotherchanceforthemtobetogether.Shepattedthebed. Takingthisashiscue,Kaipulledhimselfontoit;nottheeasiestfeatsinceit washigherthanhewasusedtoandthemattresssoft,buthemanaged,finally.He noticedReneewaswatchingasshebegantoshylyslipoffhershoes. Hesmiledather,thenproceededtoremovehisownshoes,relievedwhenshe acceptedthemandsetthemaside,outoftheway.Herfingersmayhavelingeredalittle longerthannecessaryonthefootplate,tracingupalonghisfoottowardhisankle. Normally,hedidn’tlikehisfeettobetouched;theyspasmedreallyeasily,thearch particularlypainful,buthedidn’twanttosayanythingtoruinthemood.Shewasn’tjust OKwiththehardware;likehisscars,sheacceptedandmaybeevenloved(ascrazyas thatwas!)thembecausetheywerepartofwhohewas. Onceshewasbackwithinhisreach,hepulledherclose,forcefully,butsureto gripherlooseenoughshecouldescapeifshewantedto.Yes,hewantedtofuckher,the primalpartofhisbrainraging,butmorethanthat,hewantedtomakethisgoodforher, toforevereraseanymemoriesofthemanwhohadhurther.Tomakehersighandmoan withpleasureuntilshelookedoverathimthroughhalf-liddedeyes,acontent,satisfied smileonherface. Tomakeherfeelsafe. Sohekissedher,losinghimselfinhermouth,hertonguestilltastingfaintlyof coffee.Afterafewminutes,hegentlybrokethekiss,placingapeckonhernose,his thumbsmoothinghercheek. “I’llneedtimetotakeoffmybraces,”Kairemindedher.“Andwewon’tdo anythingyouaren’tcomfortablewith.” Reneenoddedagain,steppedback,andadorably,snaggedsomepajamasoutof herclosetanddisappearedintothebathroom.Kaiwasn’tsureifshewasgivinghim spaceorifsheneededitherself,buthedidn’twastetoomuchtimethinkingaboutit, slippinghisjeansoffonehipatatime,slidingthemdowntohisknees.Hereachedinto 126 hisboxersandgavehishard,leakingcockafewquicktugs,grazingthepalmofhishand overthehead.IfReneewantedtokeepthingsrelativelyplatonic,hewasgoingtoneeda fewminutesfirst.Hegroanedashereturnedtohistask,reachingdowntoyankoffhis pantstherestoftheway. Heheardwaterrunninginthebathroom,likeshewasbrushingherteeth,ashe hurriedlyworkedtoundothemyriadstrapsthatkepteachleginplace.Leatherwasa painintheass,butitfitbetterandwasmorecomfortablethanVelcroandplastic, especiallyaroundhisbadleftknee.Hewasgratefultobewalkingagain,buthehad becomealittlespoiledbytherelativelybrace-freepastfewweeks. Soon,he’dfreedhislegs,straighteningandlockingeachbracebeforeleaning themagainstthewall,notfarfromwhereReneehadlefthiscrutches.ThankGodfor longarms. Hisfeetwerespasmingasherolledoffhisbracesocks,asifinprotestofhaving usedthemallevening,andReneestillhadn’treemerged,sohepulledhimselfbackand beganhisstretchingroutine. Reneestaredatherselfinthemirrorforalongtime,waterdrippingfromherchin.She’d wantedthis,plannedforit,even,butwasshereallyready?Inhermind,theideaof havingsexwithKaiforthefirsttimebeforesheleftforThanksgivingwouldbealovely waytokeephimwithher—inamannerofspeaking—allweeklong.He’dbeenexactly whatshe’dneededlastweek,whenshe’dwantedhim,desperately,yettheshadowof Judehadlefthersobbinginhisarms.Howhestopped,cold,likethrowingonan emergencybrake,attheslightesthintofhesitationorfearfromher.Andhistouchwas sowonderful—nottheharsh,impatientgripofJudeorsomeoftheothermenshe’dbeen with,butinstead,delicate,tender,loving. Still,thewayhiseyesdarkenedwithlustsetherpulseracing,andnotdueto arousal.ShetrustedKaionanintellectuallevel,butstill...herbodydidn’t. Reneedriedherfaceandstareddownherreflectiononelasttime.They'd nappedtogethermorethanonce,andshe'devenbeenOKlyingskintoskin,both shirtless.Maybeitwastoosoonforsexsex,butthatdidn’tmeantheycouldn’tfool around.AndtheprospectofseeingKaitotallynaked....Which,sherealized,meanta lot.Heworehisclothesinasizetoobigtohidehisbody,andhe’donlybaredhischestto heraftergreatreluctance,asasignoftrust.Reneesmiled,builtuphercourage,and adjustedthestrapsofthenegligeeshe’dpickedoutforthepurpose.Totallyimpractical foramid-NovemberIowannight,butthatjustmeantshe’dhavetoclingclosertoKaito keepwarm. Reneeeasedbackintothebedroom.Kailayonhisside,partiallyunderthe covers,hischestrisingandfallinginslow,evenbreaths.Asshedrewnearer,shecould seehiseyeswereshut,hisgoldenlashesflutteringendearingly,hislipspursed. Shecouldn’thelptheflareofdisappointmentthathitherassheshutoffallbut hernightstandlightandclimbedinontheoppositesideofthebed.Buthiseyesopened whenhefeltthemattressshift,smilingasweet,iftiredgrin.Lopsided.“Her”smile. “Sleepy?” Henodded.“Walkingishardwork,”hesaid,reachingforher.“ButIcanstay upalittlelongerifyouwanttoplay.” Shelaughed,anyuneaseshehadmeltingaway.Kaistillhadhisboxerson,but otherwise,wascompletelyfreeofclothing,lookingmorerelaxedthanshe’deverseen himbefore.Comfortable,liketheyslepttogethereverynightinsteadofthisbeingtheir 127 firsttime. Sheknee-walkedcloser,sinkingdownontohercalves,smoothingherhand alongtheangleofhiship,ontohisthigh.Shecouldn’texplainwhyshefoundthe stillnessofhislegs—exceptfortheoccasionalminorinvoluntarytwitch—soarousing. MaybebecauseitwasKai,andsheloved—yes,loved—everythingabouthim.Shedanced herhandinward,towardtheflapofhisboxers. Herfingersslippedinside,gentlyteasingtheskinofhiscock,makingitjerk andhimsigh.Heusedhishandstoshifthisbodysohelayonhisback,hislegsspreadto giveheraccess,pullingherhandtohimagain,rubbinghimnowthroughthefabricof hisunderwear. “Ishouldtakecareofyoufirst,”hesaid,hiswordshalting.“IfIcome,I’llfall asleep.” Reneegiggled,strokedhimafewmoretimesbeforemovingbackonthebed. Hepushedhimselfupsohewassittingagain,thenbackagainsttheheadboard. Heremovedhisboxers,firstbypressingupononesidetolifthiship,yankingthefabric down,thenrepeatingfortheotherside.Shehelpedhimslidethemofftherestofthe way,lovingthefeelofhislonglegs,coatedinalightdustingofhair,beneathherpalms; thewayhesighedsoftlyasshedidthis. “Ilovehowtallyouare,”Reneesaid,almosttoherself. Hechuckledsoftly,pulledoneofhislegsupwithhishandssoshecouldease hisboxersoffcompletely. Itwasstrange,yetoddlyerotictohelphimsliphisunderwearovereachfoot, moreobviousnowthaneverthatKaihadnocontroloverthem.Hehadbeautifulfeet, too:large,butnarrow,withlongtoesthatcurledslightly,whethernaturallyorfrom spasmsthatheldthemthere,shewasn’tsure.Tossinghisboxersaside,Reneecarefully seteachfootdown,givingintotheurgetosmoothherhandsoverthebridgeofeach. Herthumbssnakedunderhisarches,andshecouldfeeltensionthere,thoughshekept hertouchlight.Hisfacebetrayednothing,buthiseyesheldawarinessbarelyshrouded byhisobviousarousal,hisbreathingrapid. HiscockwascompletelydifferentfromJude’s,theskinapalepinkonlyslightly darkerthanhisbody,perfectlyproportionaltohistall,slimframe:long,butnottoo thick,uncut,restingagainsttheangleofhiship,thebasecoveredinanestofdarkgold hair.She’dneverseensomeoneasblondasKaicompletelynakedbefore,andshefound herselftransfixed.Hereallywasblondeverywhere.Shelickedherlipsunconsciously. Shecouldhardlybelievehewasofferingtotakecareofherbeforehimself.Judehad neverreallycaredaboutherpleasure. “Whatdoyoulike?”heasked,beckoninghercloser. Shefeltherselfblush.“I...likewhenyoutouchme,”shesaid,embarrassedto saymore. Kaiguidedherintohislap,havingherstraddleonethigh.“GoodthingIlike touchingyou.”Heghostedhislipsalongherarm,hisfingersdancingoverherexposed skin,makinghertingle.Hishandsroamedtoherhair,smoothingthecurlsbetweenhis fingers.Hedidsogently,reverently,asifhewereconsciousthatunlikestraighthair, pullingthemthroughwouldbepainfulanddestroytheirintegrity.Hisbreathwashot againsttheedgeofherribs.“Iloveyourhair,”hewhispered. Hishandlingeredinhercurlsbeforearchingdownherneck,herchest,her stomach,herthighs,histouchleavingafireinitswake.Kaieasedthesmoothfabricof hernightgownupandoverherlegs,higher,higher,exposingherbelly,thenherbreasts, 128 bendingforwardtokissandlickherskin.“Saystopanytimeyouwantmeto,andIwill,” heremindedheragain,beforeslidinghernegligeeofftherestoftheway,leavingher exposed. Hiseyesflashedwithhunger,whichmadeherpulserace,butshedidn’tstop him.Sheremindedherselfshewantedthis,thatKaiwouldn’thurther.Kaipressedher closer,blowinghotbreathonhernipplebeforetakingitinhismouth,rollingitonhis tongue,thensuckingsoftly. Sheletoutashortwhimper,grippinghisshoulder,hereyesfallingshutasshe sankintothepleasure.Whilehismouthfocusedononebreast,hishandfoundthe other,andsoonshewasmoaningandwrithingagainsthim,desperateformore sensation. Hechuckled,butthengroanedwhenherhandwrappedaroundhiscock, slidingupanddowntheskin.Hepulledbacksohecouldspeak,“Oh,Re,thatfeelsso good.”Heletherstrokehimawhile,butthenhepulledherhandawayandliftedheroff hislap.Gesturingforhertolieonherside,hesoonmimickedherpose.Hiscockhad grownevenharderandlarger,theforeskinstretchedaroundtheshaftnow,thehead, deeplyflushed,unmasked,beadsofprecomecollectingonthetip.Fullyerect,hewas muchlongerthanJude;suddenly,helookedenormousandterrifying,andaflareof panicovertookher.Reneepressedherhandsagainsthischest,desperatetokeephim away,thoughsheknew,evenwithoutbeingabletoreallymovehislegs,hecouldeasily takeherifhewantedto. “Notinsideme.Nottoday.I’mnotready,”shesaidinarush. “Shh,”hesaid,slidinghishandalongherarmtocalmher.“Iknow.Justmy fingers,ifthat’sOK?You’lllikeit.” Reneefeltherselfshudder.ButKai’shandsweregrounding,tenderlystroking theskinofhersideandhip,givingherachancetodecide.Shefoundhiseyes,sawhim smilefaintlyather,knewhiswordsweren’thollow.“OK,”shesaidinasmallvoice, spreadingherlegsforhim. Kaispokesoftlytoherashearrangedhercarefully,onelegbetweenhis,sothat ifshebucked,she’drubagainsthiscock,herchestcloseenoughtohismouthhecould resumehisattentiontohernipples.Hekissedtheskinbetweenherbreasts,cradlingher bodyfirmlybuttenderly.Sheletoutasoftsigh,andhelaughedintoherskin,which drewupgoosebumpsandtightenedhernipples,makingherdesperate. “More,”shefoundherselfdemanding. Withoutaword,Kaitookanippleinhismouth,andassoonasshefeltthe moistheatofhistongueonherbreasts,shebegansinkingawayagain,lettingouta moanofpleasurewhenshefelthisfingersfirsttease,thengentlyslipinsideher.She workedherleghardintohim,lovingthepressureofhiscockagainstherandhisfingers insideher,histhumbticklingherclitwhilehistonguelavedhernipple.Shewasfloating, moreintunewithherbodythanshe’deverfeltbefore,andyetsomehowapartfromit, tightnesscoilinginherbelly.Hisfingersmovedfasterashenibbledgentlyonher nipple.Justwhenshethoughtshe’dburst,herorgasmhither,powerfulandloud,a screamshewouldneverhaverecognizedasherownescapingherlips,leavingher bonelessandtremblingonthebedbesidehim.Butheheldherfirmlyinhisarms,and thoughitwaslikefalling,shefeltsecure.Safe. Herleg,whereshe’dbeenpressingintohim,washotandsticky,butwhenshe managedtorecoverherself,sherealizedhe’dtakenhisarmsoffher.Onehandwas slidingoverhislength,hisheadback,reachingforhisownorgasm.She’dneverwatched 129 aguytouchhimselfbefore,andhonestly,ifsomeonehadaskedherifshe’dlikeit,she wouldhaverespondedwithadisgustedandfirm“No!”ButKaiwassohotrightnow, long,leanbodystretchedoutonherbed,eyesclosed,pullingonhiscock,theskin slidingwithhismovements. Shesawhisstomachjerking;hewasclose,soshepushedhishandawayand struggledtomimichim,focusingonthehead.Hewaswatchingher,amixtureof amazementandarousalinhiseyes,hishandonhisbelly.Shesqueezedthetip experimentallyandhiswholebodyseemedtojerkasheletoutalowgroanthat immediatelymadeherwetagain. “Don’tstop;I’msoclose,”Kaibegged,hiseyestightlyshutnow. Shesmiled,pulledherthumbovertheslit,whichdrewoutawhinebeforeshe pumpedharderafewmoretimes.Herarmwassore,butshewantedtobetheoneto makehimcome,togivehimpleasurethewayhehadforher. Shetwistedhergripasshepassedoverthetiponce,twice,threetimes.That seemedtopushhimovertheedge,becausesuddenly,hegrunted,hisbodygrewstiff,his skinfromcollarbonetocrownbreakingoutinaflush,hismouthdroppingopen,almost insurprise.Withafewjerkingspasms,heshotoverherhandandontohischestand stomach,one,two,three,four,fivejetsofcome,untilheletoutawhooshofairandgrew still.God,hewasstrangelybeautifulwhenhecame. “Oh,fuck,Re.Ineededthat.Thankyou.” Itsurprisedherhowincrediblyturnedonshewas,watchinghimlyingthere, whitepoolingonhisstomach,hiseyesstrugglingtostayopen,ahandwithhislong fingersrestingonhisbelly,hiscockstillhalfhardbetweenhislegs. Shereachedoverforatissue,thenwipedthembothclean,notresistingthe urgetoplanttender,wetkissesoverhisbellyandchest,asiftomarkwhereeachsplash ofcomehadbeen.Herkissesmadehimshiverandsigh,andwhenshe’dpausebetween eachtoglanceupathisface,she’dseehiseyeshalf-lidded,smiling,sweetandsated.Yet anothersmileshe’dneverseenbefore,andperhapsanewfavorite.Hisskinwaswarm andsalty,hisnaturalscentstrong,mixedwithsexandmusk,hisusual“clean”smellof soapjustbelowthesurface.Shetraileduptohisclavicles,teasinglicksandtinypecks tracingtheoutlineofbonethatledtothescarhehatedsomuch.Justbesideit,she suckedgently,andhearchedintohertouchsubtly,lettingoutaforeignsoundof shockedpleasure. Shechuckledwithsatisfactionandsnuggledupbesidehim,drapingalegover oneofhisasshecontinuedtokisshim,enjoyinghowhelethisheadlolltoonesideto exposemoreofhisnecktoherministrations.Shepaused,shockedwhenshefelthislegs spasmingactivelyagainsther. Beforeshecouldsayanything,heexplained,“Comingsometimessetsoff spasms,butit’sworthit,”hesaid,hisvoiceheavywithsleep,rollinghisnecksohecould smileupather.Sweet,content,asifhehadeverythinghecouldpossiblywantrighthere infrontofhim.Heblinked,andforamomentshesawthatbeautifulgazeshadowbefore hislidsfell.Hewasexhausted. ButReneecouldn’tsleepjustyet,hermindracing.Lyingnakedinherbed,in thesemidarkness,withamanwhomshe’djusthadsexwith(evenifwasn’tsexsex) shouldhaveleftherfeelinghollow,empty,guilty,used,andamyriadofothernegative emotions.Instead,shefeltsurprisinglypeaceful.Content.Theonlydamperonitthe fierceacheinherchestofhowterriblyshe’dmissKaioverthenextweek.Ofhowmuch shelovedlyinghereinhisembrace,secureandwarm. 130 Shestoleaquickkiss,savoringthetasteofhismouthnow,beforegatheringthe coversandwrappingthembothup,turningontheheatedblanketanddrapingherself overhim,needingtobeasclosetohimaspossible. “Whatareyougoingtodothisweek?”sheaskedhim. Hedidn’tanswerrightaway,andforamoment,shefearedhe’dfallenasleep. Butfinally,hereplied,hisvoiceslowanddrowsy,“Takeyoutotheairporttomorrow, thengoswimming.MyfirsttimesinceIhurtmyleg.” “Ididn’tknowyouswam.” Hechuckled,whichturnedintoayawn.“Thissexybodydoesn’tcomefree.” Sheknewhewasbeingselfdeprecating,butshecouldn’thelpsmoothingher handfromhiskneeuphisthigh,ontohisbelly,stoppingjustatthebaseofhissternal scar.Hislegswerecoatedindarkgoldenhair,buthischestwasalmosthairless,andhis armshadonlyafaintdustingofhairsoblonditwasnearlyinvisible.“Iknowyoudon’t thinkso,butyouaresexy.Iloveyourlonglegs,yourbelly,yourarms,yourhair,your eyes,yourscars....” Hemadeastrangesound,likeastifledlaugh,likehewasgoingtosay somethingelsesardonicbutstoppedhimself.Instead,hecontinued,asifhehadn’tbeen interrupted,thoughhissentenceswereabbreviated,likeatelegram,punctuatedby yawns,“David’sonTuesday,seeifIfitinhishouse.TimewithJon,andmaybemy friendJake.Nothingtooexciting,”hesaid,hisvoicefading.“HopeDeafThanksgiving won’thavetoomanypeople.Don’twantwearmaskallday.”Kaisighed,nudgedher awaysohecouldshiftontohisside,reachingdowntoadjusthislegs. Reneekissedhischest,drewtheblanketsupcloseraroundthem.“Myfamily hasadressingcontesteveryyear.” Kailaughed,alowchuckle.“Likeafashioncontest?” NowitwasRenee’sturntolaugh.“No.Cooking.Dressingisstuffing.Butnotin aturkey.Abunchofmyfamilymembersmaketheirownrecipeandthenweallvotefor thebestone.” Kaipulledhercloser.Shecouldfeelhislegsstilltwitchingsubtly,thoughthey hadbeguntocalm.“Stuffingdifferentkind?Didn’tknow.”Itsurprisedherhowmuch shelovedthesoundofhisvoicewhenhewassleepy,hisgrammargrowingstrangeand hispronunciationbecominglesscrisp,softer. “Oh,everykindyoucanpossiblyimagine.DressingisabigdealinNew Orleans.”Shesighed.“I’dmakeyousome,butIdon’treallywanttoberesponsiblefor thenextbiohazarddisaster.” Hedidn’tlaugh,andsherealized,tuningintothesoundofhisbreath,notquite asnore,thathe’dfallenasleep.Shelaughedtoherselfathowhecouldfallasleepso abruptly.Hislegskickedsubtly,andsoshewrappedherownaroundhistohelpstill them. “Icouldgetusedtothis,”shewhispered. Hecouldhavetakenher,anytime,buthehadn’t.Sheknew,basedonhowhard he’dcome,howbadlyhe’dwantedher,buthe’dbeenwillingtostop,justashe’d promised.Andhehadn’tfuckedher,thewayJudeorothershad.Hehadmadeloveto her,aphraseshe’dalwaysfoundsillyandincomprehensible.Itwasstrangetothinkthe “L”wordsosoon,buttonight—thathadbeenlove—she’dfeltit—andsheknewbythe wayheheldherandlookedatherthathe’dfeltit,too. 131 November18,2000 Jonsatonthefloor,apileofcoloredblocksinfrontofhim,Kaisittingontheotherside ofthepile,watchingJonintentlywiththosebrightblueeyes. Jonpickeduponeoftheblocks,showingittoKaiwithonehandwhilehe signedwiththeother.“COLOR?” Kaismiledhistoddlergrinandwavedhislittlehandintheair.“BLUE!” Jonsmiled,nodded.“GOOD.”Kaireachedoutfortheblock,soJonoffereditto him. Kaiwavedtheblueblockintheair,tappedhischinwithhisbentmiddlefinger. “FAVORITE.” Jon’ssmilebroadenedasheselectedanotherfromthegroup.“COLORRED?” Jonasked,tryingtorememberwhathe’dread,aboutraisingyoureyebrowstosignala yes/noquestion. Kaishookhishead,theblueblockstillinonehand.“YELLOW,”hesigned, pointing. “Yes.That’sright.”Jonpushedthepiletothesidetoclearsomefloorspace, thenlaidoutanassortmentofblocksonthefloor.“GREEN.WHICH?” Kaistudiedtheblocksforamomentbeforepickingthecorrectone,then lookingupforJon’sapproval,burstingintoahugegrinwhenherealizedhewasright. “Comehere,”Jonsigned,openinghisarms. Kaicouldwalk,kindof,withbracesandawalker,butthatwasnewtohim. Instead,Kaistillpreferredtocrawlonhisbelly,usinghisarmstoshimmyalongthe floorlikeasoldier,sincehecoulddososurprisinglyquickly.Oncehegotcloser,Jon scoopedhimup,holdinghiminhislapandgivinghimabighug,plantingakissonthe topofhisbrother’shead.KaihuggedJontoobeforepullingbacksohecouldsign. “LOVEYOU.” “SAME.” Suddenly,therumbleofthegaragesounded,andKaistartedpattingJon’s shoulderimpatiently,beaming.“Daddy!Daddy’shome!” Jonlaughed,cradledKaicloser,andpushedhiswaytohisfeet,stillcarrying hisbrother.DespitethefactthatKai’shealthhadbeendramaticallybetterthepastyear, hewasstilltiny,inonlythetenthpercentileforhisage,lookingmorelikeanovergrown babythanathree-year-old.JonshiftedKaiinhisarmssohisbrothercouldseebetter whentheirfatherentered,KaipracticallyvibratingwithexcitementwhenBryanwalked inthedoor,lookingexhausted. ButBryanbrighteneduponseeinghissons,smilingandsigning enthusiasticallytoKai,“MYFAVORITEBOY.WHO?” Kaipointedtohimself,wavinghisarmsforBryantotakehim,andJonknewif Kaicouldhave,he’dbesquealing.BryanacceptedKai,gaveJonafirmpatonthe shoulderandanod,beforehuggingKaitightandkissinghim. “TODAYYOULEARNWHAT?”BryanaskedKai,single-handedly.Bryanonly knewalittlesignlanguage,butheseemedtomastermoreofiteveryday,doinghisbest totalktoKaiinitasmuchaspossible. “Colorpractice.Allcorrect,”Kaisignedproudlywithafirmnod. “Dad,”Jonsaid,usinghisvoiceforthefirsttimeinawhile. BryankissedKaiagainandshiftedhimontohisside,doinghisbesttopay 132 attentiontoJon,too. “Heknowsallhiscolors,thealphabet,basicshapesandanimals.He’ssmart, Dad.I’vebeenreadingaboutCP,andIdon’tthink—”JonwasinterruptedbyAnn,his mother,burstingsuddenlyintotheroom. “Yousaidyouwereworkinglatetonight!” Jonwatchedhisfathercontainhissigh,cradleKaiagainsthim,whohadlaid hisheadonhisfather’sshoulderandlookedreadyforanap.“BosssaidI’vebeendoing toomuchovertime,sohesentmehome.FiguredIcouldspendsometimewithmy family.”BryanrockedKaiinhisarms,twistingatthehipbackandforth,backandforth. Kailookedespeciallysmallintheirfather’sembrace,sinceBryanwassuchalargeman, andJonwonderedifhe’deverbethatbig.Hewastallforhisage,almostthetallestin hisclass,butdefinitelyscrawny,thoughBryanpromisedJonthatwouldchangewhen hegotolder. “Youmeanspendtimewithyoursons.” Thistime,Bryandidsigh.“LasttimeIchecked,mysonsweremyfamily.” Anngroanedinannoyedfrustration,stompedaway,andamomentlater,Kai jumpedwhenthemasterbedroomdoorslammedshutloudly. “Dad,Idon’tthinktheyhaveKai’sdiagnosisright.Idon’tthinkheevenhas cerebralpalsy—” “Later,Jon.”Itwasalways“later.”“OK?I’msorry.”HehandedKaiback,who resistedthetransferinitially,clingingtohisfather’sshirt.“Shh.Kai,it’sOK.Jonwill takecareofyou.I’llberightback.”HekissedKaiagain,whofinallyreleasedhisgrip, acceptingJon’sembrace. “Talktomomatleast,please?”Jonbegged. Bryannodded,squeezedJon’sshoulderagain,anddisappearedintohis bedroom. JoncarriedKaitothekitchen.“HUNGRY?” Kaishookhishead.Kaiwasneverhungry. JonsighedandhelpedKaiintohishighchair,whichtheystillusedbecausehe wassosmall,andstartedpreppingsomethingthatmaybeKaiwouldswallowandkeep down.HewassittinginfrontofKaiafewminuteslater,tryingtoconvinceKaitoeata fewbitesofmashedchickenandapplesauce,whentheirparentsfightingbecameloud enoughtoleakthroughthethinwalls. “Thisisdifferent,Bryan!” “How?WetalkedaboutsendingKaitothathomeinCouncilBluffs,butthat wasbeforewethoughthe’deverbreatheonhisown.” “He’stoomuchformetohandle.You’renothereallday.Youdon’thaveto dealwithhim.” “Forgivemeforworkingmyassoff!AllIaskisforyoutotakecareofmy childrenandmyhouse,andyoucan’tevendothat!Jonis11,goestoschoolfulltime, andhedoesmorearoundherethanyou.” “That’snotfair.That’snotfair!You’reinvalidatingmeandyouknowthe doctorsaid—” “Soyouonlylistentothedoctorwhenitworksinyourfavor.” “I’mjustsayingconsiderit.Thisplace—CountyHouse—it’sclose.Wecould visithim—” “No.Nofuckingway.” “He’snotgoingtogetbetter.He’snevergoingtowalkonhisown.He’snever 133 goingtotalk.Hemightevenneedtogobackonthebreathingmachine.He’sgoingto needsomeonetotakecareofhimfortherestofhislife.” Jonwasn’tsurehowmuchEnglishKaiunderstood,butJonknew,despite commonassumptions—andhiscurrentdiagnosis,diplegicspasticcerebralpalsywith mentalretardation—Kaiwasn’tstupid.Hehadtoknow,evenifhecouldn’tfully comprehendeverythingtheirparentsweresaying,thattheywerefightingabouthim. Afterall,AnnandBryanfoughtconstantly,andKaiwasarecurringtopic. “MommyDaddyfight,”Kaisaid,frowningdeeply. “Iknow.Threemorebites,thenI’llreadyouastory.” Kaismiledandscoopedsomefoodintohismouth,gettingmostofitonhis face. Despitethefactthattheirparentswerestillfighting,Jonlaughed.“Youneedto getitinyourmouth,”Jonsaidaloud,thenopenedhismouthandpointedinside. “Remembertoswallow,”Jonadded,gesturingonhisthroatanddoinganexaggerated swallow.Kaihadneededtherapytolearnhowtoeatandswallow;onedoctorsaiditwas becauseofhisCP,another,becausehe’dbeenonarespiratorandfeedingtubeforso longduringhisfirsttwoyears. “He’smyson,Ann!I’mnotsendinghimanywhere!” JonheardacrashthatmadeKaijumpandbegintocry.SoundedlikeAnnwas throwingthings.Again.Hesighed,gaveuponfeedingKaianymore,andpulledhimout ofthehighchair.“Shh,shh,”Joncooed,cradlingKaiclose,hopinghecouldcalmhim beforehistearsturnedtowheezes. “Oh,butyouwouldsendmeaway?” “Ifyou’regoingtoactlikeacrazybitch—” Anothercrash,thistimelouder,andKaitrembledinJon’sarms,cryingmore intensely,hisbreathbeginningtoskipandjerk,soJonmaneuveredtowardtheirshared bedroomsohecouldgetanebulizertreatmentready,speakingsoftlyandencouragingly toKaithewholetime. “It’sOK,Kai.You’resafe.I’llkeepyousafe.Always.” Jon’seyesshotopeninthedark,breathingheavily,strugglingtogethisbearings.He pushedhimselfup,finallyrecognizingVicky’ssleepingformbesidehimastheremnants ofhisdreamfadedintoreality.HewasinVicky’sbed.He’dspentthenight. Theclockindicateditwasjustaftertwo.Jonsighed,shovedhishandthrough hishair.GlancingatVickyonelasttime,knowinghewouldn’tbeabletosleepanymore, hesilentlypushedhimselfoutofbedandslippedintothemainroom,headingforthe kitchen.Maybeacupofteawouldsettlehismind. Jonpacedrestlessly,though,ashewaitedforthewatertoboil.Jonhadn’t dreamedaboutKaiasachild,ortheirparents,inyears,buteversinceVickyhadbroken thenewsofherpregnancy,thedreamshadhithimnearlyeverytimeheclosedhiseyes. Passionate,hatefulfightsbetweenhisparentshe’dforcedhimselftoforget untilnow.ThankGodKaihadnorecollectionofthem.Howironicthathe’dendedupat CountyHouseanyway. Vickyslowlycreptintothelivingroom.ShecouldseeJon,sittingonthecouch,hishead back,eitherasleeporstaringattheceiling.Shehoped,asshedrewcloser,hehadfallen asleepagain,butsheknewbetter.Jonrarelymanagedmorethanafewhours’restat once,butinthepastcoupleweeks,thingshadbeenworse.Atfirst,he’dinsisteditwas 134 merelythathisbodyclockwasmessedupfromhiserraticworkschedule,butfinally he’dadmittedthetruth. Shelaidagentlehandonhisshoulder.Hiseyesopened,buthe’dbeenawake. Shecouldtellbyhowalerthewas.“Thedreamsagain?” Jonswallowed,nodded. Vickysunkdownontothecouchbesidehim,offeringherarms.Hesettledinto themwithawearysigh.“You’renotlikeyourmom,”Vickyassuredhim.“Ifthat’swhat you’reworriedabout.Ifanyone,you’remorelikeyourfather.” Joncradledherarmsaroundhim.“Whatif...whatifourbabyisn’thealthy?” Jon’svoicewasawhisper,barelyaudible.“TheinheritanceofFSandMLSisunknown, andIdon’tknowenoughofmyfamily’shistory—” Vickyshushedhimwithakissonhiscrown.“You’llloveourchildnomatter what.Iknowthat.Forhissake,we’lljusthavetohopehe’shealthy.That’sallwecando. There’snouseworryingaboutpossibilitiesthatmaynotevencometopass.You’lldrive yourselfinsane.”Shekissedhistemple,theshellofhisear.Iloveyou,shethought,but shekeptthewordstoherself.Itwasn’ttherighttime.Still,shefeltjoythatJonsankinto herembrace,cherishinghercomfort,acceptinghersupport. Helaughedhollowly.“Youknow,I’vetalkedwithyoumoreaboutmyparents thanIhavewithKai?”Jonsighed.“Ijust...hedoesn’trememberthem.Atall.Hisonly memoriesarethosethatI’vesharedwithhim.Idon’twanthimtohaveanotherburden. Ourfatherlovedhim,butourmother...” Jontrembled,andshewasn’tsureifitwasfromcoldoraremnantofhis dream. “Let’sgobacktobed,”Vickysaid,kissinghistempleagain.“I’llseewhatIcan doabouthelpingyoufallbackasleep,”shewhispered,voicehotinhisear. Reneewokebeforeheralarm.Thebedsidelightwasstillon,andshecouldhearafaint, wheezysnorefrombesideher.Turninginthebed,shesawKai,sprawledonhisside,his legstangledawkwardlyinthesheets,apparentlydeepasleep.Shewatchedhimforafew minutes,hisblondlashesflutteringsubtly,hisskinsopaleandsmoothoverthemuscles ofhisshoulder.Howcouldhenotseehowhandsomehewas?Howsexy?Eventhescars onlyenhancedhisbeauty,shethought. Heshifted,justslightly,butitwasenoughtosendalockofhairfromthetopof hisheadacrosshisface,andshewasn’tabletoresisttheurgetonudgeitaway,thetips ofherfingersjustbarelygrazinghisforehead.Hemurmured,almostahum,andshe heardhisbreathingchange,then,withaslowkindofblink,hiseyesopened.Fora fractionofasecond,hewasconfused,butwhenrecognitionhit,asleepy,contented smileliftedhischeeks. “Morning.” “Morning,”heechoed.Hisvoicewasscratchy.Heblinkedlazily.“Time?” “Earlystill,”Reneesaid,tracingafingeroverthearchofhisshoulder. Heshivered.“God,Re,”hesaid,hisvoiceabreathywhisper. Shesmiled,satisfiedattheeffectshewashavingonhim,draggingherfinger downhisarm,ontohisribs,towardhiswaist. Hesighed,asmall,satisfiedsound.Hiseyesstruggledtotraceherpathbefore givingupandliftingtohers,deepblueinthedimlight.Hesignedsomething, awkwardly,withonehand,andshewasn’tsureifshewouldhaveunderstooditevenif hissigninghadbeentextbook,hispostureperfect. 135 Heletoutafaintlaugh,coughed,recovered,thenlookedbackatherwiththat samelovestruckexpressionsheneverwouldhavebelievedwouldbealookarealperson couldgiveanother.“Youmakeitallworthit.” Sheshookherhead,eyebrowsfurrowed. Kaishiftedenoughtotracehisownfingeronherskin,bringupdelightful gooseflesh;shecouldspendallday,allweek,allyearlyinginbedwithhimifhe’dtouch herandlookatherlikethis.“Doyouknowthesong‘GodBlessTheBrokenRoad’?” Reneearchedhershouldersashedraggedhisfingeralongherneck,but managedaheadshake.“IthoughtyouwereDeaf.” Kaichuckled.“JonboughtmeaCDplayer,andmusic,when....”Hecleared histhroat.“IlistenedtoalotofmusicwhenIwaswaitingformytransplant.Ihadn’t hadmuchexposuretoitbeforethat.” Kaipulledherclosertohim,andshelethim;theywrappedtheirarmsaround eachother,warmbodies,bareskinpressedtobareskin.Shefelthisarousalbetween them,buthedidn’tpushhertowardsex;hesimplycradledher,secure,asifshewerethe mostpreciousthinghehadeverheld. “You’renotgoingtomakemesing,areyou?”Hechuckled,coughedagain,and plantedakissonthetopofherhead. “AndifIaskedyouto,wouldyou?” Shefelthiswarmbreathonherscalp,likehewassavoringherscent.“I’ddo anythingforyou,Re.” Despitewhatthey’ddonethenightbefore,Reneehadn’tbeenquitereadyforsharingthe shower.Truetohischaracter,Kaihadn’tpushedher,andafterusingthebathroom quickly,hadyieldedittoheronthepromiseofcoffeeandbreakfastwhenshefinished.It seemedsounfair,shethought,asshepulledonhertravelingclothes—layerssoshe wouldn’tmeltwhenshearrivedinthemuchmoretemperateclimateofNewOrleansin afewhours—thatrightwheneverythingbetweenthemseemedtohavereachedthis pinnacleofperfection,shehadtoleave.Sevendays—anentireweek—withoutKai seemedlikeaneternity. Whensheemerged,thearomaoffresh-brewedcoffeeandeggshithernose. Kaiwasatthestove,hischairangledsohecouldseethepanhewascookingin. “Coffee’sready,”hesaidwithoutlookingawayfromthefood,“andeggs’llbe donesoon.Couldyougrabsomeplates?Ididn’tputmybraceson.” Reneekissedhistemple,thensqueezedaroundhimforplates. “Oh,andIhopescrambledisOK?Ican’teatundercookedeggs.ButIcanmake othersforyou,ifyouwant?” “Ifyoucook,Ieat,”Reneesaid,handinghimtheplatesandthenmovingto pourherselfsomecoffee.“You’llseeI’mnotapickyeater.” Afewminuteslater,theywereseatedatthetable,andReneenoticedwith warmsurprisethatKaiatehisentireportionofeggseasily,insteadofhisusualforced manner.“So,tellmeaboutthatsong—thebrokenroadone.” Kaiflushed,redfromcollartocrown. “Whathappenedto‘asyouwish’?”sheteased. “OK,”hesaidreluctantly,shyly.“Just.Don’tlaugh.”Kaidippedhishead,and hesang,hisvoicescratchyandlow,notmuchtunetoit,“‘IthinkoftheyearsI’vespent justpassingthrough/I’dliketohavethembackagain,andgivethemalltoyou./Butyou justsmileandtakemyhand/you’vebeenthereandyouunderstand/it’sallpartofa 136 granderplanthatiscomingtrue.”Kailiftedhiseyesjustenoughtomeethers,thoughhe wasstillflushed,andhishandstrembledsuddenlyashecontinued,“Buteverylonglost dreamhasledmetowhereyouare/otherswhobrokemyheart,theywerelikenorthern stars/pointingmeonmywayintoyourlovingarms/ThismuchIknowistrue/Godbless thebrokenroad/thatledmestraighttoyou.” “Kai...”Itwastheonlywordshecouldmanage. Heloweredhisheadagain,pushedsomehairoutofhisface.“It’sstupid;I shouldneverhavebroughtitup.AndIcan’tsing.” Reneerosequickly,crossedtohim,andpressedherlipstohisinapassionate kiss.Shecaughthimoffguard,andhetriedtopullawayinitially,butfinally,hedove intoit,holdingherface,pouringhimselfintothekissinawaythatmadeherachefor him.Sheclimbedintohislap,andsoonhewassmoothinghishandsovereverypartof her,thetwoofthemsuddenlydesperateforeachother. “DoIneedtosingmoreoften?”hesaidwithalasciviousglintinhiseyes. Reneehummedhappily,rubbingKai’scrotchwithherpalm.“Wehavetimeto gobacktobed.” “Hmm,”Kaisaid,kissingRenee’sneck.“I’mnotsureifwedo.I’vegotabetter idea.”Kaipushedeverythingonthetabletotheside,thenliftedReneeontoitssurface. “What—whatareyoudoing?”Reneesaidwithagiggle. Hegrinned,startedtoundothebuttonandzipperonherpants. “Kai?” “Doyoutrustme?” Afterlastnight,afterthismorning,whenhecouldhavetakenherandhe didn’t?“Yes.” Kailiftedherwithonearm,usedtheothertopullherpantiesandjeansdown. Hisbreathinghadincreased,andhelickedhislips.“Stopstillapplies,justsayit wheneveryouneedto.”Thenhepushedherback,gentlybutfirmly,andguidedher closer,heranklesonhisshoulders.Shecouldfeelhisbreath,deliciouslywarmonher barethighs.“ButIdon’tthinkyou’llwantmeto.” Withoutwarning,shesuddenlyfelthismouth,hotandwetinaplaceshenever, everimaginedamouthwouldbe.Andthenwhathadtobehistonguebegantomove, andKaiwassoright.Sheneverwantedhimtostop. Shegotlostinthesensation,notevenentirelysurewhathewasdoing,but lovingeveryminuteofit.Whenshefinallyclimaxedwithanotherloudscream—she’d neverscreamedduringsexbefore—shelaythere,tremblingandboneless,hereyelids fightingtoclose. Kaichuckled,kissedeachthighbeforehelpinghereaseherpantiesandjeans backup.“I’vebeendreamingoftastingyouforweeks,”Kaisaid,lickinghislips. Shefeltalittledizzyasshesatonthetable,lookingdownathim,onehand helpingtopropherupwhiletheothermassagedhiscrotch.Hiseyeswerehungry,butit didn’tfrightenher,becausetherewasasoftnesstohim,too.Noman—especiallyJude— hadtreatedherthewayKaidid—withlove,withreverence.Shesighedsoftly,still blissfulfromorgasm.“WhatcanIdoforyou?”Shelaughedandclappedherhandover hermouth.“OhGod,I’llneverbeabletosaythatatLostApplewithoutthinkingdirty thoughts.” SheheardmorethansawKaiunbuttonandunziphisjeansandpullhimself out,longandhardjustasshe’drememberedfromthenightbefore,thetipseeping.“It won’ttakemuch,”hesaid,“ifyoutouchme.” 137 Shehoppedoffthetable,stoodbesidehim,reachedoutandfingeredthetip, spreadingthestickinessoverit,slidinghisforeskinoutoftheway.Hemoaned,andshe couldseehowbadlyhewantedtostrokehimself,hishandsgrippinghisthighs,buthe washoldingback,hopingshewouldfinishhiminstead.Hewatchedherassheteased him,afingerglidingoverhisslit,thesubtlestwhineapleaformore. “Canyouthrust?”sheasked,herheartbeginningtorace. Helookedather,confused. “IfI...”Shelickedherlips,glanceddownward.“Youwon’tforceme?” Kaifinallyseemedtogethermeaning.“Iwouldlovetofeelyourmouthonme. Ifyou’recomfortablewiththat.Iwon’thurtyou.”Hewasbreathingheavily,holding himselfwithonehand,squeezingoccasionallywithjusthisthumb,moreprecome beedingatthetip.Thehungerwasstillthere,butsowashissincerity.Shewasshocked byhowmuchshewantedtodothis,tokisshimtherejustashehadkissedher,andit feltespeciallynaughtysincehewassittinginhischair,fullydressed.Ifshedidthis, she’dprobablyneverbeabletolookathiminhiswheelchairwithoutblushing. “Re.Ifyoudon’twanttodothis,youdon’thaveto.I’llbeOK.Really.” Withoutanotherword,shesnaggedachair,pulleditclose,andsat,perchedon theedge.Sheplantedherhandsonhisthighsandleanedin.Hesmelledmusky,salty,so deliciouslymale,butit’dbeenalongtimesinceshe’ddonethis,longersinceshe’d wantedto,soshestuckhertongueouttentatively,lickinghisslit. Hegroanedandshefelthimshudder,thengaspwhenshetookjusthisheadin, hertongueexploringtheshapeofit,teasingaroundhisforeskin,feelinghowsoftthe skinwas,howitgavegentlywhenshesucked.Sodifferentthantheshaft,hardandfirm inherhandasshehelditinplace.Inthebackofhermind,avoicescreamedthatany momenthe’dgrabherhair,tanglingandpullingandpushingherontohimuntilhefilled herthroat,stealingherbreathandmakinghergagandpanic,buthedidn’ttouchher. Hetriedtoformwordsasshegainedconfidenceandtookmoreofhimintoher mouth,feelinghimgrowagainsthertongue,thecrownbumpingagainstherpalate,but allthatescapedhislipsweregruntsandgroansandhisses,eachsignalingwhenshedid somethinghelikedinparticular.Whensheswirledhertonguearoundthehead,once, twice,suckingwithamediumamountofpressure,shefinallyfelthishandonher shoulder.Pressingherawayurgently. “Re...I’mgonna...” Shepoppedoffjustintime,feelinghiswarmthexplodeoverherchin,barely abletocatchitwithherhands. “Re,shit—”Kaicouldbarelyspeak,wrappinghishandovertheheadofhisdick ashisbodycontinuedtojerk,thefinaledgeofhisorgasm. Shewaslaughing,wipingherface,hopingshewouldn’thaveaMonica Lewinksymomentandneedtochangehershirt. Kai’sstomachjerkedoncemore,andthenhewentstill.Hislegsdidn’tspasm thistime,liketheyhadthenightbefore.Hisheadlolledback,hisdicksoftening,leaving atrailofwhitefromtiptothepuddleinhishand.“Thankyou,”hemanaged. Reneesmiled,grabbingsomenapkinsforeachofthem.“Ilikedthat,”Renee said,surprised. Kaichuckledashecleanedhishand,tuckedhimselfbackin.“I’llneversayno tothat,”hesaidwithagrin.Thenheseemedtospotthetimeonthemicrowaveacross theroom.Sighingheavily,headded.“Gowashup.Weneedtoheadoutinafew minutes.” 138 Sheleanedforwardandmethiminashortkiss,whichhedeepened,ahand cradlingherface.Helickedherlips,asifsavoringhertastebeforeleaningback,andshe triedtomemorizethelookinhiseyesinthatmomentsothatshewouldn’tforgetitover thenextweek. Reneehadherfeetfoldedupontheseat,bobbinganddancingtotheChristmasmix tapeshe’dbeggedKaitoletherplayashedrovehertotheairport.When“Christmas Don’tBeLate”cameon,shesquealedandturneditup,singingalong. Kairaisedasingleeyebrow.“Whatthehellisthat?” “Christmasmusic.” Heclearedhisthroat,awordlessindicationthatheranswerwasn’twhathewas lookingfor. “It’sTheChipmunks!” Heglancedather,sideways,foralongmoment. Shesighed,turnedthevolumedown.“TheChipmunks,”shesaidagain,with emphasis,asifthatwasalltheexplanationneeded,butwhenKaionlysighed,shewas forcedtoelaborate.“Itwasthisshowabouttheseanthropomorphicchipmunkswho sang.Alvin,Theodore,and...Simon.AndAlvinwasalwaysgettingintotrouble,so theiradoptivefather,whowasahumanman,wasalwaysyelling,‘ALVIN!’” Kainoddedslowly,hisfaceshowinghowoddhefoundthewholeconcept. “Iguesswhenyoutrytoexplainit,itdoessoundalittleinsane.” “Well,Ialreadyknowyou’reinsane;youlikeme.” Renee’seyebrowsdipped.“Kai—” Kaishrugged,lookedoverjustforaninstant,flashingasmile.Hisbody languagesaidthatwasajoke,butReneeknewitwasn’t.Notreally. “Iguessyoudidn’twatchmanycartoonsgrowingup?” Kaishookhishead.“Notreally.Davidonlylikedtheonesthathadalotof slapstick,youknow,stuffyoudidn’tneedtoheartounderstand?AndmyEnglishwasn’t goodenoughtointerpretsomethinglikethatwhenIwasthatyoung.Notthatwehad controlovertheTVanyway.” Forseveralminutes,Reneewatchedthepatchy,snow-coveredfarmspassby thewindow.“AreyougoingtoCountyHouseforThanksgiving?” Shecouldalmostfeelthetensioninthecarratchetup,andwhensheturned herhead,shesawKaigrippedthewheelmorestiffly. “Sorry.Nevermind.Stupidquestion.”Shestartedtoreachforthevolume knob,toturnthemusicbackup,buthereachedoverforonlyasecondtostopherbefore lettinghisrighthandreturntothehandcontrols. Kailetoutalongsigh,nibbledhislip;sherealizeditwasahabithedidwhen hewasthinking,butnotjustaboutanything.No,heonlybithisliplikethatwhenhe wasworkingthroughsomeofhisinnerdemons.Rightnow,sheknewhewasdebating aboutwhetherhewasgoingtobehonestwithher,ortellashadeofthetruth,enoughto satisfyherfornow,ordeflectherandartfullychangethesubject.Itamazedherhowwell shecouldreadhimalready. Finally,hereplied,“Thanksgivinghasalwaysbeenadifficultholidayforme.” Shewatchedhisfingersshiftonthesteeringwheel,anotherhabitofhis.Hishandsand fingerswereoftenrestless,asiftheyweresousedtobeingusedforconversationthat whentheyweren’t,theystillfelttheneedtomove.Buttherewasadifferencebetween hisnaturalfidgetingandtheanxiouswayhe’dpickathisshirtordrumonhispushrims 139 orsqueezethesteeringwheel.“Insomeways,worsethanChristmas,”Kaiaddedwitha longsigh. Reneewantedtoreachoverandsqueezehishand,butshecouldn’t,notwhile hewasdriving,soshewatchedhiminstead,waitingforhimtoelaborate,moreofthe sameblandsceneryflyingpast,whitewithpatchesofyellowishgrasspushingthrough. Anoldbarn,fallinginonitself.Alone,lonelylookingcow,itsredandwhitecoatthickto keepoutwinter’schill. Kaiinhaledsharplythroughhisnose,bithislipagain.Squeezedthesteering wheel.“ThelastThanksgivingbeforemyparentsdied...Igotverysick.Iwasinthe hospitalalongtime.Thepastfouryears,onceIreunitedwithJon....Ispentevery singleoneeitherinthehospital,orrecoveringfrombeinginthehospital.”Hewinced, butitwasmoreanexpressionofsadnessthanpain.Hebithislowerliphard.Renee couldhardlybelievehewasbeingsoforthcoming.“Andtheyearsinbetween,atCounty House?ThanksgivingalwaysremindedmeofeverythingIdidn’thave.Didn’tthinkI’d everhave.” Reneeopenedhermouth,butwhatwouldshesay?Whatcouldshepossiblysay tothat? Kai’seyeswerefixedfirmlyontheroadaheadofthem.“Icouldgobackto CountyHouseanyotherdayoftheyear,butnotonThanksgiving.Neveron Thanksgiving.” TheCalhounCountyMunicipalAirportwaslaughablysmall:abuildingjustlarge enoughtocontaintwocheck-incounters,asinglesecuritylane,andatinywaitingarea. Thebaggageclaimwasnomorethanamodifiedgaragedoor,theattendantsonone side,handingyourbagthroughitasyouwaitedontheother.Thegateledstraightonto thetarmac,whereyouwalkedafewfeetuptothesmallEmbraerjetthatwouldtakeyou toChicagoandthenontoyourfinaldestination. Onlyoneairlineflewintotheairport,onlyacoupletimesaday,andonly betweenJonesvilleandChicago.Ifyouwantedtogoanywhereelse,youcouldchartera privateplane,ordrivetwo-and-a-halfhourstoOmaha,thenearestmajorairport. Butwiththeuniversity,andthehospital,andthesmallamountofoilinthe county,thetinyairportkeptbusyenough. Kaipulledintooneofthehandicappedspots,putthecarinpark,andundidhis seatbelt.AfterhisstupidrevelationaboutThanksgiving,thingshadbeenquiet,but strainedfortherestofthedrive.Hefeltlikeheshouldsaysomething,maybemakea joke,tellherhehadn’tbeenserious,butReneeknewhimwellenoughatthispointthat nomatterhowconvincinghemightbetoanyoneelse,she’dseerightthroughhim. Reneespokebeforehecouldthinkofwhattosay.“Ididn’tknow,”shesaidina lowvoice,reachinguptocradlehischeek.“Icouldcancelmyflight.Stayhere.Idon’t mind.” Kaicouldn’thidehissurprise.“Re.Youcan’tdothat.” “Whynot?” Hesmiled,tookherhandsinhis.“Youdohaveafamilytogohometo,”Kai explained,hisstomachdoingastrangeknottingthingthatfeltlikepartofthestartofan anxietyattack,butheknewitwasn’t.Well,atleasthedidn’tthinkitwas.Hecouldn’t believeReneewaswillingtochangeherplans—notseehergrandmother,whomKai knewReneemissedterribly—justforhim.Theonlypersonwhohadeverchangedtheir lifearoundforKaiwasJon. 140 Reneenodded,butshe’dwithdrawnintoherself,ahabitKairecognizedeerily well.“Jude’llbethere,too.” Kaisighed,squeezedherhandtight,butnottootight,rememberinghowsmall anddelicateherhandswere.“Gohome.Seeyourfamily.Butifhehurtsyouinanyway. ..”Kai’seyesflashedangerhestruggledtocontrol.“Callme.Callme,andIwillgetmy crippledassonaplane,flydownthereandkickhisass.” Reneelaughed,anditwarmedKai’sheart,turninghisstomach’sknotinto butterflies. “RememberItoldyouIbrokeaguy’snosewithmycrutchesonce?Thatwas withshitty,cheapones.NowIhavegood,stronger,solidsticksthatcouldprobablydoa lotmoredamagebeforetheybreak.”Kaismiledfaintly,teasedacurlbyhercheek. “You’llbeOK.I’ll...”Hecursedhimselfinwardlyforthehesitation.“...beOK.”He pulledherclose,kissedher,cherishingthetasteofherlipgloss,coveringthesubtle naturalsweetnessofherlips,hertonguethatstilltastedfaintlyofcoffee.Heleanedhis foreheadagainsthers,sighedsoftly.“Doyouneedhelpwithyourbag?” Sheshookagainsthim,clearlynotwantingtogojustasmuchashewantedto keepherthere.“No.Nopointinyougoingthroughallthetrouble,especiallysincethat airportissoclaustrophobic.Ionlyhaveacarry-on.”Shepulledback,reachedintoher bagandtookoutthesheetofphotosfromthenightbefore,benttheminhalf,and carefullytoreattheseam.“Here.Twoforyouandtwoforme,”shesaidwithasmile, offeringhimonehalf. Kaistaredatthepictures.Inthefirst,theywerekissing,Reneeperchedonhis lap,andhecouldseethesweetsmileoneachoftheirfacesthatbroughtonetohisown, now.Inthesecond,theywerelaughing,KaigrippingRenee’swaistassheleanedaway asifhewereticklingher,herheadjustbarelyinframe,hercurlsblurringontheedges. Kaiwaslookingatherinsteadofthecamera,eyesbright,shouldersrelaxed.Itwas strangetoseehimselflikethis.Otherthanschoolphotos(whichofcourse,therewasno onetoeverorderany),Kaihadn’tseenmanyphotographsofhimself.Helooked...so happy. “Thanks,Re,”Kaisaid,tuckingthephotosintohisdash.“Youshouldgo.” Shesighed,leanedforwardforanotherquickkissthathitthesideofhismouth. “I’llcallyou.”Shepushedthecardooropenandthecoldshockedthemboth.“AndI’ll bringyoubeignetmix!” Kailaughed,wavingassheskippedtowardtheterminal,twistinginhisseatto watchuntilshedisappearedinside.Acrushingweighthithimnext—forthepastfew weeks,they’dseeneachotheralmosteverysingleday.Hewouldneveradmititto anyone,butgoinganentireweekwithoutherseemedridiculouslydaunting. Hesighed,resecuringhisseatbeltandstaringatthephotos.HowhadRenee wormedherwayintohisheartsoquickly?And,aswonderfulasthingswerebetween themrightnow,whatwasgoingtohappenoncesherealizedtheguywhoofferedtobeat theshitoutofherex—andhewould—wasfrequentlyparalyzedbyanxietyattacks? Withtheholidaycomingupandallthelongnightshiftshe’dbeenworkingoverthepast month,Jonhaddecidedtotakethedayoff.Noclinicvisits,nothing.Itfeltstrangeat first,butwhenKaisuggestedJonjoinhimatthepool—itwasKai’sfirsttimesince beforehisinjury—Jonaccepted.Hewasn’tmuchofaswimmer,butit’dbegoodto spendsometimewithKai.Jonfeltlikehe’dhardlyseenhisbrotherlately,betweenhis workscheduleandKaispendinganincreasingamountoftimewithRenee. 141 TheYwasclosedtoday,soKaihadtakenthemtotheJUathleticcomplex, whichwas“somuchbetter,anyway,”Kaiexplained.Kaihadhisduffleinhislap,the strapoverhishead,makingJonfeelalittleawkwardashefollowedKaiintothefoyer.It wasearly,andtheSaturdayofaweek-longholidaybreak,soitwasprettyempty.Ahead, Joncouldseeabored-lookinggirlreadingabooklazilyinasinglebooth,theothersall silentandempty.KaistoppedJonandspunaround,lookingup. “OK,so,technicallythisisforstudentsonly,so,here’swhatwe’regoingtodo.” Kaipulledthestrapoffandofferedittohisbrother.“Takethis.Thenpushmetoward thedesk.” Jonacceptedthebag,whichwasalotheavierthanitlooked,gapingatKai. “Pushyou?” “Yes.Justafewfeet.Playalong,allright?” “Kai...” “Disabilitymakesmostpeopleuncomfortable.Themoredisabledyouseem, themoreuncomfortablenormalsare.DavidandIusedtodostufflikethisallthetime. Mostlyjusttofuckwithpeople.”Kaigrinned. “Kai!” Kailaughed,dippedhisheadbacksohecouldseeJon’sfacebetterashespun around.“Ibetyou’veneverevenreturnedalibrarybooklate,haveyou?”Heshookhis head.“Push.” Jonobeyed.ItfeltwrongtotouchthebackofKai’schairwhenKaiwas perfectlyhealthy,evenonhisbrother’scommand.Becauseofthelowback,Jonhadto bendforward,givinghimachancetowhisperinhisear.“IsthiswhyIneverdoanything withyou?” Kaijustshrugged,sayingnothingastheydrewcloser. Thegirldidn’tlookupfromherbookastheyapproached.“ID,”shesaid mechanically. “Mybag,”KaisaidinathickaccentthatJonhadn’theardKaiuseinyears,not sincethey’dfirstreconnected,whenKaistillhadtoconcentrateonarticulatinghis words,especiallythefinalconsonants. Thismadethegirldropherbook,gapeatKai.Jonwishedhecouldseehis brother’sface,butthegirlthenlookedathim,atthestrapofthebagacrosshischest, obviouslyexpectant.JonsteppedawayfromKaisohewouldn’twhackhimwiththebag asheshiftedit,findingKai’sstudentIDinthesidepocketandhandingitover.The womanlookedatit,thenupatJon,waiting. “Andyours?” JonturnedtoKai,sinceobviouslyhisbrotherhadaplan.“Uh,Idon’thave one?” “Thisfacilityisforstudentsonly.Ican’tletyouinwithoutanID,”shesaidin monotone,obviouslyrecitingsomethingshe’dmemorizedoutofamanualofguidelines somewhere.ButsheneverstoppedstaringatKai. “Hehelpme,”Kaisaidinthatsameaccent.“Heyouneedallowin.”Inaddition totheinarticulatepronunciation,Kaiwaslettinghiswordsblurtogether,sothatlast sentencesoundedmorelike,“Heeyuneelouin.”Itdidn’thelpthatKaiwasthrowingin hisoddASLgrammarnow,too,whichhadfrustratedJontonoendwhenthey’dfirst reconnected,especiallysinceKaihadbeenperfectlycapableofproperEnglish. ThegirlblinkedatKai,thenglancedupatJon,clearlynotunderstandingwhat thehellKaiwassaying.Foramoment,thegirlseemedtobeinwardlydebatingabout 142 whethersheshouldpressharderforclarificationorjustendherobviousdiscomfortand violateprotocolbylettingthembothin. “Allright,”shesaid,swipingKai’scardandthenenteringsomethinginthe computertobypassthesystem,“butifyou’regoingtoaccompanyhimregularly,you needtogetyourowncard.Comebackaftertheholidayandtalktothemanager,”she said,directingeverythingtoJoninsteadofKai,handingKai’scardbacktoJon.“I’llbuzz thesideopensoyoucanpushhimthrough.” “Thankyou,”Kaisaid,waitingforJontopushhimagain. Jonresistedshakinghishead,anddidso,pushingKaiuntiltheywerethrough andoutofthesightofthedeskgirl. “Stop,stop,”Kaisaidinhisregularvoice. Jonimmediatelyletgo,standingtohisfullheight,walkingaroundsohecould seeKaibetter.“Youareimpossible.” Kaishrugged,helduphishandforhisbag.“Itworked,didn’tit?” Jonoffloadedthebagwithsomerelief.Kaiwasright;hereallyneededtogetin bettershape.It’dbegoodforhiscirculation,andconsideringhe’dalreadylivedasa diabeticforovertwentyyears,thatmightnotbeabadidea.“Ijustcan’tbelievetheway shestaredatyou.” Kaigrinned.“Thataccentneverfails.Iwasmockedrelentlesslyforyears becauseofit.ImightaswelluseittomyadvantagewhenIcan.WhydoyouthinkI pulleditonyouwhenyoufirstshowedupfouryearsago?” JonfollowedasKaipushedtowardthelockerrooms.“Youwerefakingthat?” Kailaughed.“Fakingissuchaharshword.No,backthenitstilltookalotof consciousefforttospeakarticulately.AllIhadtodowasbelazy,andtheaccentcame naturally.Atthetime,Iwasn’tsureyetifyouwereworththeeffort.”Kaidisappeared intothelockerroombeforeJoncouldquestionhimaboutthat.Jonrememberedthe initialbitternessandhostilityhe’dfaced,confrontingKaiforthefirsttimeaftermore thanadecadeapart,butheneverreallyimaginedKaihadseenthingsthatway.More proofthatJonreallydidn’tknowwhatthoselostyearsofKai’slifehadbeenlike. BythetimeJonfoundhisbrother,Kaihadalreadytransferredoutofhischairontoa benchandwaspullingoffhisclothes,revealingthestrangesuithe’devidentlyputonat home.JonhadneverseenKaiactuallyinit,thesuitcoveringhischestandback,going downtojustabovehisknees,revealinghispowerfularms.Kailookedlikeanathlete, andJonwondered,ifthingshadbeendifferent,ifmaybehecouldhavebeen.Jon hesitated,pullingoffhisownshirt,knowinghowgaunthewas.Vickywasright;he neededtotakebettercareofhimself,especiallyifalittleJonorVickywouldbehere soon.KaiusedtobeeventhinnerthanJon.IfKaicouldbulkup,maybeJoncould,too. “Here,”Kaisaid,tossingsomethingJon’sway.“It’smyoldone.Itmightbea littlebig,buttheadvantageofthisstylesuitisitwon’tfalloff.” Jonhelditup:asuitjustlikeKai’s,onlythefabricwasalittlefadedfromuse. “It’sclean,Jon.” “I’lllookridiculous.” Kailaughedashetossedhisclothesinhisbag.“Yes,youwill.Ifyoudecideyou wanttodothiswithmeregularly,I’llorderyousomethingdifferent,inyoursize.Butfor now,littlebrothergetstogivebigbrotherhand-me-downs!”Kaistuffedhisbaginhis locker,thenbeganstretchinghislegsonthebench. AsJonstruggledwiththeskin-clingingspandex—orwhateverfuturistic 143 materialthissuitwasmadeoutof—herealizedwhyKaiputitonathome.Hemanaged tofinallygetitup,shiftinghisweight,pullingatthefabricbetweenhislegs—hedidnot likethewayitfeltthere—strugglingtoreachbehindhimtozipitup. HeheardKailaugh,shifthislegs.“Sitdown.”Jonobeyed,andamomentlater, heardandfeltthezipasKaiobligedhim.“There.Youshouldstretch,butyoucandoit outthere.Comeon.”Kaigrabbedacouplethingsoutofhislockerbeforeshuttingand lockingit,transferringbacktohischairandleadingthewayouttothepool. TheheavyscentofchlorinehitKai’snostrilsimmediatelyastheyapproachedthepool. Thatsmell,thesubtlesquelchhistiresmadeonthewettiles,theechoofsplashesinthe largeroom,theheavinessofthehumidity:itallblendedtogetherintopurehappiness. KaihadworriedMicovicwouldneverclearhimtoswimagain,andhe’dhonestly wonderedifpartofwhatmadethelastcouplemonthssohardwashisinabilitytodive intothepoolandswimuntiltherewasnothingbuthisbodyandthedimrushofwaterin hisearsashepushedhimselflapafterlap. Kaistoppedattheedgeofapairofemptylanes,pullingonhiscapand adjustinghisgoggles.HenoticedJonhesitate,grippingtheirtowelstohisbodyand lookingaroundnervously.“Youdoknowhowtoswim,right?” “Thebasics,”Jonsaid,thoughhestillseemedtense. Kaiangledhisheadtolookupathisbrother.“Look,youdon’tneedtodothisif youdon’twantto.Ijustthoughtitmightbefun.” Jonactuallylaughed.“Thiscomingfromtheguywhowouldprobablysee skydivingasfun.” Kaipulledclosertothelane,lockedhiswheels,andloweredhimselftothe floor.“Therearealotworsewaystodie,”hesaidwithashrug,tyinghispullbuoytohis legs. JonjoinedKaionthefloor,sittingcrosslegged,layingthetowelsontheseatof Kai’schair.“What’sthat?” “Ithelpsmekeepmylegsafloatinthewater.Makesiteasierformetousemy upperbodywithouthavingtoworryaboutthem.” Jonsuddenlylookedincrediblysad,andKai,foramoment,gotatasteofhis ownmedicine,uncertainwhathadcausedthesuddenshiftinhisbrother’sface. “What?” Jonshookhishead,smiledfaintly.“It’sjust...I’mrealizinghowlittleIreally knowyou.Justinthelasthalfhour,IfeellikeI’velearnedmoreaboutyouthan...” Kaisighed.“Jon,let’sjustswim.OK?I’llraceyoutotheend?Howabout,every lapyouwin,yougettoaskmesomething.Fair?” JoneyedKaithroughnarrowedvision,asifseeingthroughhim.Kaimight havebeenrestrictedfromusingthepoolforthelasteightweeks,butthatdidn’tmeanhe wasoutofshape.HewasprettyconfidenthecouldbeatJoneverytimewithouteven trying.AndJonapparentlyknewthat. Kaiputonhisgoggles,pulledhislegsintothewater,thenloweredhimselfinto thepool.“Bestthingaboutswimming?Notalking!”Kaisaidwithagrin,takingoffdown thelane,feelinglikehewasflying. Jonhadexhaustedhimselfafteronlyahundredyardsorso—hereallyneededtogetin bettershape—sohe'dspentpartofhistimehangingoutintheshallows,sittingonthe edge,watchingKai.JonknewtherewasnowayKaicouldhavehadformallessons,and 144 heprimarilyusedhisupperbody,buthemovedsosmoothlyandpowerfullythroughthe water.JoncouldseeasKaimadelapafterlap,onlypausingtoturn(sincehecouldn’t flipturn)whyswimmingmeantsomuchtohim. Inthewater,hewasjustlikeanyoneelse.Walkingandtalkingweren’t important.Jonwondered,didspeakingclearlystillrequireeffort?JonknewKai sometimesslippedintoASLgrammarwhenhewastiredorsickormad.Thatdaythey’d reconnected,whenKaihadfirstrevealedhecouldspeak,hissentenceshadbeen awkward,hispronunciationrough,andhe’dneededtothinkandtalkslowlywhenever heputforththeefforttouseproperlypronouncedandgrammaticallysoundEnglish. Andhe’dbeenfuriouswithJonforforgettinghowtosign,forforcinghimtospeak.It hadneveroccurredtoJonthatatleastpartofthereasonKaihatedEnglishsomuchwas becausehe’dbeenridiculedforhisspeechproblems. AwaveofguiltcrashedintoJon.Howselfishhadhebeen,nothiringanASL tutoruntilnow?HowmanytimeshadKaiperhapswantedtotalktohim,butwas dissuadedbythelanguagebarrier?Jonrecalled,afewmonthsearlier,howKaihad broachedthesubjectofRenee,explainingitwaseasierforhimtodiscussthetopicin sign.Jonhadn’treallyappreciatedwhatthatmeant. Jon’sthoughtswereinterruptedwhenKai’sheadpoppedupabovethewater, hispullbuoyinonehand,hisothergrippingthewall.Hewasbeaming.“Ifuckinglove theselungs,”hesaid,breathinghard,tossingthebuoyonthewallandpullingoffhis gogglesandcap. Jonsmiled,butheknewitwastaintedbyhisthoughts. Kai’sfaceflickeredforamicrosecondbeforeslippingbackintohissmile.“Did youevenswimatall?Ionlydidhalfmysettoday.” Jonshrugged. Kaipushedhisstuffaside,turnedaroundsohisbackwastothewall,then leveredhisbodyoutofthewaterandontotheflooraseffortlesslyashebreathedwith hisnewlungs.Jonwasn’tabouttoadmitthatwithouthislegstohelppushhimselfout, hewouldhavestruggled. Kaiwasalreadywipingoffexcesswaterandbeginningtostretchhisupper body,hislegsdanglinginthewater,onebobbingwithminorspasms.Jon’sinstinctwas toaskifKaiwasOK,butnothingaboutKaisuggestedhewasinpain,soJonheldhis tongue. “Icanseewhyyoulovethepool,”Jontriedinstead.“Youswimlikeafish.” Kailaughed,glancedoverhisshoulder,thenplantedhispalmsbehindhimto pullhislegsoutofthewater.“Yeah,agimpyfish.”ButherolledhiseyesatJon'sfrown. “Whendidyoulearntoswim?Ineverasked.IguessIdidn’treallythink—” Kaishookhishead,stillsmiling,ashebegantostretch.Thespasmsinhisleg hadquieted,atleastsotheywerenolongervisible.“What,didyouthinkIdoggy paddledfor40lapseachweek?Troytaughtmesomebasics.WhenIwasakid,during someofmyworstMLSflareups,he’dworkwithmeinthepool.Ithelpedalot.Allowed metodevelopcontrolwhereIhadit,strengthenthosemuscles,stretch.” Kaibentforward,stretchinghisback,reachingforhistoes,holdingitfor severalsecondsbeforereleasingandpushinghistorsobackup.“Inhighschool,the districtwouldn’tletmeparticipateinPE,butIwasrequiredtotakeit.Itriedtopetition themtoletmetakeswimming,buttheysaidIwastoomuchofaliability.” Jonwasn’tsurewhattosay,sohemerelywatchedKaistretch. “Idon’tknowwhatthebigdealwas.IfIdrowned,it’snotliketherewasanyone 145 tosuethem.” Kaispokematter-of-factly,continuingtostretchhisbody;clearly,his nonchalancewasn’tafacade.Kai’sbluntnessfromhisDeafupbringinghadfadedover theyears,butitstillcamethroughoccasionally.Andknowingthatdidn’tmakeithurt anyless,hearingabouthisbrotherbeingalone,havingsomethingKaiclearlyloved takenfromhim. “What'swrong?” Jonsighed,shookhishead.“Ijusthavealotonmymind.” Kaididn’tseemtobuyit,butheletitgofornow,pullinghischaircloserand spreadingoneofthetowelsoverit.Hegrippedtheseatandawheeltoleverhimselfinto it.Heusedhishandstoplacehisfeetonthefootrest,thentohelpsettlehisbodyfully backintheseat.Heleanedforward,armsonhisknees,bentinhalf,meetingJon'seyes, sinceJonhadn’tyetstood. “Ithinkit’dbegoodforyoutoswimwithme,butthisisaguilt-freezone.The pointofswimmingistoshutoffyourmind.”Kaileanedback,grippedhisleftwheelfor stabilitywhileofferinghisrighthandtohelppullJontohisfeet. Jonsmiledfaintly.Thenthewordsspilledoutbeforeheevenrealizedhe’d spoken.“Vicky’spregnant.” Kaiblinked,buthecontrolledhisemotions,asusual,carefullycraftinghis response.“Wow,Jon....Congratulations.” “Shejustfoundout.She’snotduetillJune.We’renottellinganyoneyet....” “I’mgoodatkeepingsecrets,Jon.” Jonnodded,letoutabreath.“Youreallywouldn’tmindifIcamewithyoueach Saturday?” Kaismiled.“Icanevenchangemyroutinetoworkaroundyourclinichoursif youwant.I’llseeaboutgettingyouapassforhere,sowedon'tneedtoworryaboutthe YMCAswimlessons.” JonfollowedKaibacktowardthelockerroom.“You—you’ddothat?” KailaughedasheheldthedooropenforJon.“You'verearrangedyourentire lifeforme,morethanonce.IthinkIcanchangeonesmallthing.It’s...fun,spending timewithyou.Beingbrothers.” Jon’sbrowsfurrowed.“Youknow,whenthebaby’sborn...things’llhaveto change.Betweenus.” Joncaughtafleetingdarkness,maybeevenpanic,inKai’seyesbeforeKai shookhisheadandplasteredonabrightsmile.“Ofcourseitwill.It’llbereallyhardfor thebaby,knowinghisuncleissomuchbetterlookingthanhisfather.Buthe’llgetover it.”Kaiwinkedandpoweredintothelockerroom,disappearingbetweentherows. KaifollowedJonintotheJonesvilleDiner,whichwasdecentlybusy,thefamiliarscents ofgreaseandcoffeefillingtheair.Kaihadn’tvisitedthedinersinceNikkihadlefthim, whichmeantithadbeennearlytwomonths.Despitehisoccasionalpiecraving,Kai hadn’tbeenabletobringhimselftodropin,sinceitheldmemoriesofbothBeccaand Nikki,whichhungintheairasthickasthearomaoffood. ButJonhadapparentlybeenfeelingsentimental—afterall,theirfirstmeal togetheronKai’s18thbirthdayhadbeenhere,whenthetwoofthemwereonlyhours intoreconcilingtheirnewsituation.Kai,stilldesperatetodiscoverJon’struemotivation behindhisseemingbenevolence,andJon,frustratedandconfusedathowmuchKaihad changedinthetwelveyearsthey’dbeenapart. 146 Kaisaidnothingasawaitresshedidn’trecognizeguidedthemtoatable,taking achairawayforhimsohecouldslideinacrossfromhisbrother.Thetwoofthem studiedthemenuinsilence.Kairarelyateanythingotherthanpiehere,butheknew Jonwouldinsistonamorenutritiouschoice,sohescannedforsomethingvegetarian thatheknewhisstomachcouldhandle. AsurreptitiousglancetoldKaiJonwasn’tactuallylookingatthemenu,butlost inhisthoughts.PerhapshewasregrettingtellingKaiaboutVicky’spregnancy.Perhaps hewasregrettingthepregnancy.Kaidecidedhewouldn’tpointouttheironythatJon hadlecturedKaimorethanonceabout“safesex.”Kairemindedhimselftomakesurehe hadsomecondomsinhisbagforwhenReneegotback.Maybeitwouldbeawhile beforeshewasreadyforvaginalsex,butKaifigureditprobablywasbestnottotakeany chanceseitherway. KaiwasdebatingsayingsomethingwhenMargeswungbythetable,looking happyandrelievedtoseeKai.“Oh,hon,Iwasbeginningtoworryaboutyou.Howlong hasitbeen?” Kaishrugged,noticedJonwasworkingevenhardertofakeprofoundinterest inhismenu. “I’msorryaboutNikki,”shesaidsincerely.“Theusual?Pieofthedayis pumpkin.” “Marge,thisismybrother,Jon.Jon,Marge.Thisisherdiner,essentially.” Margewavedalargehanddismissively,butKaicouldseehowthecompliment hadpleasedher.“WhatcanIgetyouboys?” “Coffeeandchefsalad,”Jonsaidbrusquely.Kaiwaitedasecondtoolongto placehisownorder,promptingJontoask,“DoIneedtoorderforyou?” Dejavu,Kaithought,thoughofcourseJonwouldn’torderhimabacon cheeseburger,nowthathewasavegetarian.KaigaveMargehismostwinningsmile. “Hotmilk,”Kaisaid.“AndI’mtoldIneedtoeatmylunchlikeagoodboybeforeIcan havepie,”Kaiaddedsardonically.“Grilledcheese,nofries.” “Noproblem,hon,”Margesaidwithalaugh.“I’llberightbackwithyour drinks.” KaiwaitedforMargetoleavebeforeleaningbackinhiswheelchairand studyingJoninawaythatmadehisbrothershiftuncomfortablyinhisseat. “What?” “SowhatareyourplanswithVicky?” JonstaredatKaiblankly. “Sinceshe’s...”Kaiwavedahandintheairbeforefinallysigning“pregnant,” butinawaythatmeantitwasunexpected. Jonfrowneddeeply,butquicklyturneditintoasmilewhenMargereturned withamugofmilkforKaiandacarafetopourcoffeeforJon. “Food’llbeoutinabit.Youhollerifyouneedanything.” Jonreachedforhiscoffeelikeajunkiegrabbinghislastfixandtookafew tentativesips.“Idon’tknow.Wehaven’tevensaidthe‘L’word.” Kaifrownedforafractionofasecondbeforepressinghislipstogetherto controlhisexpression.“Youdon’twantthebaby?” Jonshookhishead.Sighed.“Idowantthebaby.But...ItoldVickyIdidn’t wanttogetmarried.” “Andshe’sfinewiththat?”Kaicouldn’thidethescepticisminhisface. “Supposedly,”Jonmuttered.Helookedmiserable,butbeforeKaicouldsayor 147 signanythingelse,Joncontinued,“Shesaidshe’llputthebabyupforadoptionifI’m notinthiswithher,andIwon’tletthathappen.” Ah,sothatexplainedalot.Jonclearlywasn’treadytobeafather—arealfather, notthesurrogatehe’dbeentoKaiforsomanyyears—buthewouldn’triskhischild goingthroughthesystem,either.Kaididn’tblamehim.Hecouldbarelytakecareof himself,butKaiwouldbewillingtotakethekidinpersonallyifitwouldmeana“real” familyinsteadoffosterandgrouphomes. “You’llneedtomoveintogether,”Kaisignedsingle-handed,addingsugarto hismilk,playinghisfavoriteroleofdisaffectedperfectly. Jonsighed,shrugged.“Probably.” Kaibithislip,triedtosmileandmasktheuneaseinhiseyesaseverythingsank in.“I’veneverlivedalone.”Itwasridiculous,buthefelthisanxietyflaringup,his fingerstwitching.Hedebatedreachingintohisbagforhispillboxandtakinga hydroxyzine,butthere’dbenowaytohidethatfromJon.Woulditbebettertoadmit thethoughtoflivingalone,orJonleavinghim,asstupidandoutrageousasitwas, terrifiedhim?OrriskhavingapanicattackinthemiddleoftheSaturdaylunchcrowd? Thethoughtofthatfatemadehisheartratespikeandhisbreathingbecomeuneven, sweatbreakingoutonhishairline. “Takeyourmeds,”Jonsaidinacalmvoice.“It’sallright.” Kai’shandsweregoingnumb,sohesimplynodded,shiftedhisbodyinhis chairandsnatchedouthispillcase.Hesetitonthetableforamoment,takingafew slowbreathsandtryingtocalculatesquarerootsinhisheadtogivehisshakingachance toeaseenoughhewouldn’tsendtabletsflyingallovertheplace. Thepillsrattledinthebox,andhefinallyfelthisbrother’shandsonhis, pluckingahydroxyzineoutandpressingitintoKai’sfingers,whichweretremblingso badlyittookKaiseveraltriestogetthetablettohismouth. Kaiswallowedthepillquickly,closinghiseyesandtryingnottothinkhow muchhehatedhimselfinthismoment,becauseitwouldonlymakethingsworse.He couldfeelhimselfbeingpulledclosertowardpanicattackthancalm,afull-bodytremor rackinghisframe,andthethreatofhavingoneinpubliconlymadetherushtowardfull crazyaccelerate.Hecouldbeelineforthebathroom,butrightnowthethoughtofan enclosedspacemadetheterrorsurge. Peoplewerestaringnow,probably,thoughhehadhiseyestightlyshut.Staring morethannormal,whisperingtoeachotheraboutthecrazyguyinthewheelchair. Kaicouldn’tbreathe.Hecouldn’tbreathe.Hetriedtotakedeepbreaths,buthis handswerenumbandhisheadwasbuzzingandhecouldn’tseemtogetenoughair.His shouldersroseandfellwitheachdesperate,shallowbreath,andpartofhimprayedhe’d passoutbecauseatleastthatwouldbeanescape. “Kai.Kai.You’reOK.”Jon’svoice,andhishandonKai’sshoulder. Thepullofunconsciousnesswasalluring,hisbreathingslowingtothepointat whichKaihadtoconsciouslyremembertobreatheinandout. “Staywithme,Kai.Comeon.Deepbreaths.”JonhadahandonKai’schest, wascoaxinghimtobreatheinandoutwithgentlepushesonhissternum,thewayhe’d learnedtobreatheonhisownagainafterhistransplant.Slowly,Kaifeltthetensionseep away,andbreathingbecamelesseffort,thoughhischestwasstilltightandfogginess remained.Hisbodyfeltheavy,usedup.Rightnow,eventhoughhekneweverythingin therestauranthadcometoasuddenstoptowatchthefreakshow,hedidn’tcare.He justwantedtogohomeandsleep. 148 “Theambulanceisonitsway.”Anothervoice.Marge.Kaiwasbentovernow, hisforeheadrestingonhisknees.Hecouldhearthemurmurofcuriousvoicesaround him,butittooktoomuchefforttotrytoparseanyofthemout. HedidhearJonsaysomething,maybeinassenttoMarge,andsmoothKai’s back.Kaiwantedtotellhimhewasfine,thathejustneededtogohome,buthefeltso incrediblydrained,hewasn’tevensureifhecouldspeak. Joncroucheddownbesidehim,whisperinginhisear.“LettheEMTsevaluate you,andifyourvitalsareOK,Iwon’tletthemtakeyou.” KaiturnedhisheadenoughJoncouldseetherelievedlookinhiseyes. ThenJonmayhaveaskedMargetopacktheirlunches—includingafewslices ofpie—togo—asifthey’dsimplydecidedtoleaveearlyanditwasnobigdeal.Inthat moment,asashamedandexhaustedashewas,Kaicouldn’thavelovedhisbrother more. Renee’sjourneyhadbeenlongandtiring.TheflightfromJonesvilletoChicagohadbeen uneventful,butbadweatherhaddelayedherdeparturefromO’Hare,sothatwhenshe finallytoucheddowninNewOrleans,shecouldn’tbemoregrateful.Still,partofher wishedKaiwerebesideher,flashingthatlopsidedgrin,lookingincrediblyoutofplace withhistall,blond,Midwesternlooks,yetnotcaringaslongashewaswithher. Checkingherphone,shesawshedidn’thaveanynewtextsfromhim,andshecouldn’t helpaflareofdisappointment.Shesenthimaquickmessagetolethimknowshe’d arrivedinNewOrleanssafeandsound,andsecretlyhopedshe’dgetareplyrightaway. Shesighedsoftlywhenshedidn’tandremindedherselfthatKaihadsaidhehadplansto keepprettybusyoverthebreak,andknewthey’dtalksoon. Astheplanetaxiedtothegate,shewonderedagain,asshehadabouthowhe showered,whattravelingwouldbelikeforhim.Sheknewhe’dneverreallyleft Jonesville,andthathe’dneverbeenonaplanebefore.ReneewonderedhowKaiwould getontheplane,andwherethey’dputhischairorcrutches?Wouldnothavingthem handymakeKainervous?Heneversaidanythingaboutitoutright,butshe’dseenhis facepalethenightbefore,whenthey’dgottenintothephotoboothtogetherandshe’d startedtoleavehiscrutchesoutside,outofhisreach.Andshe’drecognizedthelookof immenserelief,too,whenshe’dmanagedtofittheminsidetheboothwiththem. Shehadneverreallythoughtaboutituntilthatmoment,becauseheseemedso laidbackandcomfortablewithhisdisabilitymostofthetime,thathereallydidrelyon hiscrutchesorhischairforhisindependence.Itwasstrange,butbeingwithKaimade hersimultaneouslymoreawareofhisdisabilityandyet,itwaseasytoforgetabouthis MLS,too,whenhislegsweren’tspasming. Reneepuzzledoverthisquandaryasshegatheredherbagandfiledoutofthe plane,noticinganairlineemployeewaitingimpatientlywithoneofthoselarge,bulky airportwheelchairs,probablytoassistanoldladyReneehadnoticedonherwayoffthe plane.Thewheelchair,whichshewouldn’thavethoughttwiceaboutbeforeKai,looked souglyandawkward,likecomparinganold70sstationwagontoabrand-new,sleek sportscar.IfKaitraveledwithher,wouldhehavetoleavehiswheelchairathomeand useoneofthose?SheimaginedKaiwouldbehorrifiedifhecouldn’tbringhischairwith him,andshedidn’tliketheimageshehadofKaihavingtomaneuveraroundinabulky, heavychair. Reneepushedthethoughtsfromhermindfornow.Shewashome;asshedrew awayfromthegatestowardsecurityandtheticketingarea,shecouldalreadysmellthe 149 familiarhumidity.OnethingaboutNewOrleansReneelovedwasnomatterhowmuch youmighthavechanged—andoverthepastfewmonths,Reneecertainlyhad—the CrescentCityalwaysstayedthesame. Reneehadhardlyemergedfromthesecureterminalareawhenasquealofjoy metherears.Shelookeduptoseehergrandparentsandyoungerbrotherwaitingforher nearoneoftheshops,hermawmawEvangelinerushinguptoherlikeshewasatwentyyear-oldgirlfriendinsteadofawomaninher70s.Evangelinewrappedherarmsaround Renee,squeezingalltheairout. “Oh,hon,Imissedyou,”shesaidinhersoft,liltingaccentthatalsomeant “home.” “Imissedyou,too,MawMaw,”Reneeechoed,squeezingback.“Itoldy’allyou didn’tneedtopark!” “That’swhatIsaid,too,butyouknowyourmawmaw.”Anthony,Renee’s grandfather,steppedforwardandofferedherhisownhug.“Missedyou,too.” Reneefinallyextractedherselffromhergrandparents,tiltingherheadatLuc, whosmiledhisfoxygrin.“Andyou?” “Ugh,anythingtogetawayfromtheparentalsandJPforawhile.” Reneesizedupherlittlebrother.Hewasfifteennow,startingtoshedhis boyishlooksandbecomeaman,thoughhetookaftertheirmotherandEvangeline, lookingmorelikeRenee’sfraternaltwinthantheirolderbrother,JP,whohadplayed footballinhighschoolandcollege.Lucwasshort,notmuchtallerthanReneeand Evangeline,narrow,andrailthin,withlarge,captivatinghazel-greeneyesanddarkcurly hair(justlikeRenee’s)thatfellchaoticallyintohisface,coveringoneeye.Luc’shairhad alwaysbeenafightingpointbetweenhimandtheirparents:Luclikeditlonger,thecurls freeandwild;theirparents—especiallytheirfather—preferreditclippedshortenoughto maskthemalmostentirely. Sheteasedhimbyplayingwithhisbangs.“HowhaveMomandDadnotkilled youforthis?”Shelaughed.Luchadalwaysbeenbeautiful,confusedforagirlwhenhe wasyounger,despitehismother’sattemptstodresshimasboyishlyasshecould.His facewasmoreovalthanRenee’s,andhehadalarge,French-Romannose,unlikeher smallerone,butabrilliantsmilewithfull,poutinglipsandlong,thickeyelashes.The hairwasn’ttheonlysurprise:hewaswearingafitted,paint-splatteredT-shirtandtight, low-slungjeanswithleatherflipflopsthatscreamed“artstudent”farlouderthanthe polosandkhakistheirbrotherhadalwaysfavored. Lucshrugged,pushedsomeofhishairoffhisforeheadonlyforittoslideright back.“Itoldthemit’smyhairandI’llwearithowIwant,orI’dmoveinwithMawMaw andPawPaw.”Heflashedhissmileagain,whichmadeReneelaugh.Thenhepulledher intoatighthug.“Missedya,sis.” TheirmotherhadsufferedterriblyfromEmptyNestSyndromeevenbefore Reneehadleft,sinceJPwasherfavorite,soshecouldseeMariegivingLucmore leniencyifitmeantkeepingherbabyalittlelonger.Perhapsthatexplainedwhythey’d finallyallowedhimtogotoNOCCA. Lucshoulderedherbag,eventhoughitwasn’treallyheavyandhewasn’tmuch biggerthanher,threwhisarmaroundherandstartedfollowingtheirgrandfather towardtheexit.Anthonywasn’tknownforhispatience,andevenasReneeandLuchad reconnected,hadbeeninchingawayasanot-so-subtlesignaltohurryup. “Ididn’tthinkit’dbesohardbeingjustmeandthem,youknow?Butit’snot likeJPisn’talwaysaroundanyway,andwithoutyoutobufferus...” 150 Returnedandawkwardlyplacedakissonherbrother’scheek,surprisedtofeel itwasrough.WhenhadLucstartedshaving?Shestillrememberedhimasalittlekid, histoothlessgrins,followinghereverywhere. ReneepulledawayfromLuclongenoughtotakeoffhercoatandenjoythe balmylateNovemberweather:inthe60s,withasoftbreeze.“I’mguessingJPisn’tabig fanofyournewlook.” Lucgruntedastheycarefullycrossedtraffictowardtheparkinglot.“Yeah, everytimeheseesmehetellsmeIshouldstopdressinglikeafuckingfaggot.” Reneefrownedandsqueezedherbrother’sfreehand. “Hedoesn’tlikeitwhenIglareathimandsnapbackwith,‘Iboughtthislook because“stuckupasshole”wassoldout.’” Reneewasstrugglingnottolaugh.“Ohmygod.Youreallytoldhimthat?” Lucshrugged. “Andyou’renotlimping?” Lucshruggedagain,flashedhissmile.“Thecarisclose.YouknowPawPaw. He’lldrivearoundforhalfanhourtillhegetsthespotrightinfront.” “Iheardthat!”Anthonycalledout. EvangelinecameupandsqueezedReneeagain.“Oh,I’msogladyoucould makeithome.Howaboutwestopforpo-boysontheway?” Reneecouldfeelherselfdrooling.Shehadn’thadashrimppo-boyinmonths. Infact,shehadn’thadanyseafoodinmonths.Whathadshebeenthinking,goingto schoolintheMidwest,sofarfromacoast?“Thatwouldbeawesome,MawMaw.” They’dstoppedatatotaldiveofaplaceonTchoupitoulas,huddledaroundatablewith theirfriesandpo-boys.Therestaurantwasdarkanddingy,butthefoodwasfantastic, anditwasanotherreminderofhomeandhowmuchshe’dmissedit. “Sotellmeaboutthisboyofyours,”Evangelinesaidinawaythatsuggested she’dbeendyingtoasksinceReneelanded. Reneefeltherselfsmiling,andshepulledthephotosoutofherwallet,where she’dfoldedthemcarefully.Inthefirstone,Reneewasstaringatthecamera,smiling, butKaiwaslookingatherinstead,totallysmitten,flashinghislopsidedgrin.Shelooked sosmallinhislap,andevensitting,eveninthecroppedshotofthephotobooth,itwas clearhowtallhewas.Thesecondpicture,theywerebothlookingatthecamera,Kai’s armswrappedsecurelyaroundher,theirheadsleanedagainsteachother,smiling,Kai’s blueeyesbrightandshiningandhappy. “Ohmystars,”Evangelinesaid,holdingthephotoclosesoshecouldseeit betterinthedimlight.“He’sevenhandsomerthanyoudescribed,sugar.” Reneefeltherselfblush,butshewassmilingproudly.Thephotosmadethe rounds.Evangelineseemedreluctanttopartwithit.Anthonystudieditlikeitwasthis year’staxes,asifhecoulddeterminewhatkindofmanKaiwasfromtwo2x1”photos. Lucgotthephotoslast,andshenoticedhiseyeswidenslightly,andheunconsciously lickedhisbottomlipbeforetakinginabreath,asifrememberinghewasn’talone. “Howtallishe?Youlooksotiny.” “Iamtiny,”Reneesaid,laughing,takingthephotosback.“Butheistall,even foroverthere,whereeveryoneisagiant,”Reneesaidproudly.“Idon’tknowhowtall, butthetopofmyheadhitshimabouthere,”shesaid,pointingafewinchesabovethe centerofherchest. “Oversixfoot,”Anthonysaidtonooneinparticular. 151 “Oh,definitely,”Reneesaidasshefelthergrandmothersnaggingthephotos fromherforanotherlook. “Hiseyesaresoblue.Isitatrickofthelight?” Reneesighed,nibbledonafry.“No.They’reevenprettierinperson.This incredibleaquamarine,likethecoloroftheCaribbeansea.” Evangelinesmiled.“Hetreatsyouwell?”Hereyebrowswereraised,hergaze prying.Reneeheardtheunsaidwords.UnlikeJude? Reneetiltedherhead,rememberingthatmorning,Kai’slargehandsholding herinplacewhilehistongue,warmandwet....Sheflushedagain.“Yeah,hedoes,”she saidinakindofdreamyvoice. “ReneeandKaisittinginatree,K-I-S-S-I-N-G...”Lucsing-songed. Evangelinesqueezedherhand,finallyrelinquishingthephotos,ignoringLuc. “That’sallthatmatters,then,”shesaidwithawink.“Icantellhecaresaboutyou. Remindsmeofthewayyourpawpawusedtolookatme.” Anthonypromptlystuffedhisfacewithsomeofhispo-boy,butheglancedover atEvangeline,andReneesawabitofthatsamelook.MaybesheandKaiwouldbelike themsomeday,thoughReneedidwonderifKaiwouldliveintooldage.She’ddecided shewouldn’tthinkaboutthat,butitdidpopintoherheadeverynowandthen.Kaihad beenadamantingettinghertounderstandthattherewerenoguaranteesforhislife expectancy,butshehadmeantitwhenshe’dtoldhimthatshedidn’tcare.She’drather haveayearwithKaithannothing. Evangelinesqueezedherhandagain,smilingknowingly.“Youmisshim?” Reneecouldn’tdenyit.“Yeah.He’s...incredible,MawMaw.Ican’twaitfor youtomeethim.”Shedidn’tmentionhowdifficultthatcouldpotentiallybe,butshe knewshedidn’twanttoleaveNewOrleanswithouttellingatleasthermawmawabout Kai’shealthanddisability. Meganwasworkinginthekitchenwhensheheardstomping,andthen,whenshedidn’t immediatelyrespondtothat,aharshlyloud,inarticulateshout.Shesighed,rolledher eyes,andwipedherhandsoffonherapron.ShelovedDavid,butpatiencewasdefinitely notoneofhisdefiningcharacteristics. Shefoundhimstandingoutsidetheirbedroomdoor.Shelookedathim,her eyesandfaceclearlyconveyingherannoyance. Hegrabbedherhandandpulledherintotheirroom,towardtheirbathroom. He’dreplacedthedoorframesohecouldhangawiderdoor,andnowhepointedtoit, thenleanedtoonesideforemphasis.“Doesitlookcrookedtoyou?” Isn’tthatwhatlevelsarefor?shethought,butinstead,shesigned,“Looks fine.” Hefrowned,staringatitafewmoments,beforebendingdowntodigout anotherlevel.Hestoodontiptoes,placingitthere,studyingitforawhile. Shetappedhimontheshoulder,butheignoredher,focusedonhiswork.She tappedhimagain,harder. Thistime,heturnedaround,andthistime,hewastheonewhowasannoyed. “Ineedtogetthisdone.” Megansighed.“You’vebeenusingeveryscrapoffreetimeyouhaveonthis bathroom.AndI’minthekitchentryingtofindsomethingvegetariantoserve Thursday.” Davidshrugged,turnedaroundandwalkedintothebathroom,Deafiefor 152 conversationisover. Megansighedloudly,almostagruntoffrustration,andfollowedhim.Pulling onhisshoulder. Davidfinallyturnedaround,andthoughhelookedmad,shesawwhatshe’d suspected,thatveilheputupwhenhewastryingtolookdisaffectedbutwas,infact, afraidofwhereshewastakingtheconversation. “I’vebeengivingyouspaceaboutthis,butobviously,ifIdon’tpushyou.... What’sthedealwithyouandKai?Becausemyimaginationhasbeenrunningwild.” Davidblinkedather.Actuallyblushed.“God,it’snothinglikethat!”Hesighed, perchedonthecounter.“KaiandI...”Davidshrugged. “Youdon’tcallsomeone‘brother’fornoreason.” Davidclosedhiseyesamoment,tookadeepbreath,thenbroughthishandsto hischest.“EverythingItoldyouistrue.Wedidgotoschooltogether.Wedidlose touch.ButwhatIdidn’ttellyouis...Kaiwasmyroommate.AtCH.Fortenyears.” Meganfeltawaveofreliefwashoverher.She’dconcoctedallkindsofcrazy ideasinhermind.Andnotthatshe’deverdoubtedherfiancé’ssexualitybefore,but honestly,she’dneverseenDavidactthewayhehadaboutKai,andwithnoother explanation....Sheleanedincloseforaquickkiss,beforepullingback.Davidstill lookedworried,andMegancouldn’tseewhy.SheknewDaviddidn’tliketotalkabout thegrouphomewherehe’dspentmostofhischildhood,butthereseemedtobemore here. “Whynottellmefromthestart?” Davidglancedoverathistoolbag,sittinginonecornerofthebathroom, obviouslywantingtobreakeyecontactsohecouldendthediscussion,butinstead,he said,“BecauseneitherofustalkaboutCH.Andit’simpossibletotalkaboutour friendshipwithoutbringingCHup.” Meganwaswillingtoleaveitatthat,buthereachedoutforhertogetherto stay. Helookedatheralongwhile,studyingherfaceasifinwardlydebatingwhether heshouldexplain.“NooneatCHsigned.Noone.”David’seyesboredintohers,trying toconveythesignificanceofthestatement.“IwasaloneforayearbeforeKaicame.Kai wastheonlyoneIcouldtalktooutsideofschoolfortenyears.Tenyears.”Davidbit hislip.“Youcan’tpossiblyunderstandwhatthatwaslike.That’swhyhe’smybrother.” Davidrose,grabbedhistools,anddisappeared,clearlyneedingspace. Itwashisway.Meganhatedthatwhenhewasupsetheoftenchosetodealwith thingsonhisowninsteadofturningtoher,butshe’dacceptedshewouldn’tchangehim, soshelethimgo.Still,hisfinalwordshauntedher.Davidnevertalkedabouthis childhood,andshe’dnevergivenitmuchthought.TheDeafcommunitywassoclose knit,she’dpresumedDavid,asaffableashewas,musthavehadalotoffriends. ShehadneverreallystoppedtothinkhowdifferentDavid’sexperiencemust havebeen.Insteadofgrowingupinthedormswiththerestofthekids,he’dlived elsewhere,withnoonewhospokehislanguage.NooneexceptKai. Davidwasright:evengrowingupastheonlyhearingpersoninaDeaffamily, shecouldn’tbegintoimaginehowisolatingthatmusthavefelt. DavidwasDeafwithacapital“D,”andthoughheoftencomplainedaboutthe hearingworld,hewasproudofwhohewas.Thiswasthefirsttimeshe’dreallyseenany kindoflegitimatechinkinDavid’sDeafPridearmor. Suddenly,David’sbehaviorsinceHalloweenmadesense:hiselationatseeing 153 Kaiagain,hiswillingnesstopickupandgowhenKaineededhim,hisdeterminationto maketheirhouseworkforhim. Meganwanderedbackintothekitchen,whereshe’dbeenmidwaythrough testingoutafewvegetarianrecipesfortheholidaywhenshespiedanoteonthecounter. Neednails.Loveyou.MeganknewDavidhadenoughnailstobuildabridge,inevery shapeandsize,butsheacceptedthenoteashiswayofmakingalegitimateexcusefor hisescape. Loveyou,too,shethought,blowingakisstothenote. 154 November21,2000 Dr.MillerwatchedKaiconfidentlyrollintotheroom,offeringasmileatthereceptionist insteadofascowlassheheldthedooropenforhim.Hecarefullymaneuveredtothe couchwhereheusuallysat,transferringquicklyandrelativelyeffortlessly.Hislegmust benearlyhealed,shethought,observingashegrippedtheedgeofthecouchwithone hand,thenusedhisothertoadjusthiswheelchairbeforepullinghislegsonebyone untiltheyrestedonthecushion,allowinghimtostretchout. Hesatlikethatamoment,asifdecidingifhewerecomfortable,frowned,then shiftedhisweight,handsplantedoneithersideofhisbody,pushingupasheglanced aroundtheroom.Dr.Millerhadthecouch,thearmchairwhereshenormallysat,then twootherchairs,notonlytogivepatientsanoption,buttoprovideadditionalseating forfamiliesorcouples,orontheoccasionwhereshe’drecommendaclientbringaguest. Kaiindicatedthetwootherchairs.“Doeitherofthoserecline?” Dr.Millernodded,pointedtotheleatherchairthatservedasthirdbasetothe couch’ssecondandherhomeplate.Kaitransferredbacktohiswheelchairandpushed theshortdistancetotherecliner,lockinghiswheels.Heliftedhisfeetoffthefootplate, plantedonehandonthecushion,theothergrippingtheedgeofhisseatnearthewheel, andstartedtolifthisbody.Butthereclinerspunwhenitwasn’topen,andtheaction madeitturnawaysohehadtoreactquicklytosinkbackintohiswheelchairandnotget dumpedonthefloor.Hegruntedinfrustration,adjustedhispositioningandgripsafew times,butwasn’tabletomanageit.Finally,helookedatDr.Miller. “Couldyou?”Henudgedhischintowardthetopoftherecliner. Dr.Millerrose,grippedthetoptosteadyitwithhiscue. “Just.Don’tletitmove,”hesaid,asheplantedonehandalittlefartherbackon therecliner’scushion,heavinghisbodyupandontotheedge,quicklygrippingthe armrestssinceeventhoughDr.Millerkeptthechairfromrotating,itstillwobbleda littlewithhisweight.Hesighed.“Don’tletgoyet,”hecommanded,beforeusinghisfirm griptohelpsettlehimselfbackintheseat.Headjustedhislegsuntiltheywerestraight, leanedovertoshifthiswheelchairoutoftheway.“OK,thanks,”hesaidashepulledthe leverontheside,usinghishandstohelppresshisbodybackenoughtoaidthe mechanisminopeningthereclinerfully.AsDr.Millerretookherseat,hefinished adjustinghisbody,settlingituntilhewascomfortable,lettingoutalongsigh.“Igotthe all-clearfrommyorthopedistonwalkingFriday.Myhipsandbackarekillingme,”he saidasifinexplanation. Dr.Millernodded;Kainormallydidn’texplainhimselfunlesssheprompted him(sometimesrepeatedly),andheneveraskedforhelp,either.Shewasn’tsureifit wassimplyherlimitedcontactwithhim,orifitwereasignofimprovement.Allowing himselftorelyonothers—emotionally,atleast—wascertainlysomethingKaistruggled with. “That’sgoodnews,then,right?” Kailinkedhishandsandpushedupabovehishead,stretchinghisshoulders andupperback.“Yeah,thoughit’spossibleImightneverbeabletogowithoutthe crutchesagain.”Kaishrugged,leanedbackintherecliner,almostasifhewerereadyto takeanap. “Doesthatbotheryou?” Kaithoughtaboutitalongtime.“Onacertainlevel,Iguess.Iworkedso 155 fuckinghardaftermytransplantsoIwouldn’tneedthem,andI’mrightbacktosquare one.”Kaisighedandpulledbothhandsthroughhishair.“ButI’mwalking,andIdon’t havemuchmorepainthannormal,soI’mnotgoingtocomplain.PlusRewas surprisinglycoolaboutit,”Kaiadded,asmallbesottedsmileslippingontohisfaceas soonashementionedhiscurrentgirlfriend’sname. Initially,Dr.MillerhadfrownedonKaistartinganewrelationshipsosoon afterhislast,encouraginghimtofocusonschoolandworkingthroughhisanxiety,butit hadbecomeclearprettyquicklythatthisnewgirlwasgoodforhim.Withher encouragementandsupport,Kaihadbeenslowlybreakingoutofhisshell,andwitha fewexceptions—likehisstressabouthishistorymidterm—hisanxietyhadbeenbetter managed,too. “Sothenyou’vebeengoodsinceIsawyoulastweek?” Kaitookinalongbreath.“Friday,Iwentoutwithmycrutchesforthefirsttime inalongtime.” Dr.MillernoticedthatKaididn’tseemnearlyasrestlessashenormallywas duringsessions,makinganote.Perhapsthat,morethananything,wasasignof improvement. “WithRenee,”Kaiadded.“Iwantedhertobethefirsttoseemewalkingagain, plus...”Kaishovedhissleevesup,thenpulledthembackdown,givinghishands somethingtodo.Stillalittlerestless,then.Maybeshe’dthoughttoosoon.“Itwaskind ofatest,”Kaiadmitted. “Atest?”Dr.Millerwrotethatdown.ItwasinterestingtohearKaisaythat; victimsofabuseoftentestedtheirfriendsandlovers,consciouslyornot,tryingtosee howmuchtheotherpersoncouldtakebeforetheyfinallyabandonedthem. Kaiscratchedthesideofhisnose.“Re’sbeencoolwitheverything—sheeven redidherbathroomforme—” “Soyoutoldmelastweek.” “Butthecrutchesareprettyobvious,andIguess...Ijustneededtoknowhow OKwithallofthis,”Kaiwavedhishandoverhimself,extendingthecircletohis wheelchair,parkedandemptynearby,“shereallywas.Youknow?It’seasytosayyou’re finewithsomethingintheory,butinpractice...” Dr.Millerjottedafewnotes.“Anddidshepass?” Thatsamesmileagain,onethatsomehowmanagedtoseemsonaturalandyet looksoforeignonKai’sface.“Yeah.Withflyingcolors.” “That’sgood,right?” Kai’ssmilebroadened,andhenodded.Thenheblushed.“Wehadsex,too.Not vaginalsex,notyet,but...”Kaihadspokenabit,attheirlastcouplemeetings,about Renee’spastandhowthataffectedherissueswithintimacy,howKaiwaswillingtowait butwasgettingimpatientdespiteeverythinghe’dtoldher. “Butit’sasignoftrust.Shetrustsyounottohurther.” Kainodded.“It’s...alittleweird,youknow?I’musedtobeingtheonewith trustissues.”Helaughed,butitwasanervous,self-conscioussound,andshenoticedhis fingerswanderingforsomethingtooccupythem. Dr.Millerkeptsilent:onethingshe’dlearnedrelativelyearlyinhertraining waswhennottotalk. “Ispentthenight.Wesharedherbed,andhadsexagaininthemorning.”Kai’s smilewasstillpresent,butfading,andDr.Millernoticedthedipinhisbrowsthat suggestedthehintofworry.“ShesaysImakeherfeelsafe.”Kaididn’tbothertohidehis 156 frown.That,perhaps,wascertainlyasignofhisimprovement,oratleastasignalthathe reallywascomfortablewithhernow. “Andthat’sbad?” Kaisighed,closedhiseyes.Hewasquietforseveralmoments,andshe recognizedhewasdoingbreathingexercisestotrytocalmhimself.Finally,heopened hiseyesagain,andthoughheseemedoutwardlycalm,worrywasvisibleinhiseyes.“I willkeephersafefromeverythingIcan,”headmitted.“ButIcan’tkeephersafefrom me.” Dr.Millerliftedhernotepadtohideherfrown,pretendingshewassimply shiftingherweightinherchairanddidn’twanttodropit.“Noonecankeepanyonesafe fromeverything,Kai.We’vetalkedaboutthis.” Kainoddedreluctantly.“Iknow.Ijustkeepwaitingfortheother...”His eyebrowsscrunchedup.“Foottodrop?” “Shoe.Waitingfortheothershoetodrop.” Kaifrowned.Shrugged.“Englishidiomsmakenosense.”Herolledhisneck. “Anyway,everythingisgreatrightnow,butIkeepexpectingReneetowakeupone morningandrealizehowfuckedupIam,”hesaidwithatwistedsmile.“Andshedoesn’t evenknowaboutthecrazypart.” “Kai—” “Iknow,Iknow,that’sabadword.” “It’sjustnotconducivetoyourtherapytokeepcallingyourselfcrazy.Ithas negativeconnotations.Andforsomeonelikeyou,whoseanxietycomeslargelyfrom yourfearofexposingyourselfemotionallytoothers—” “Yeah,yeah,Igetit,”Kaisaidpetulantly,poppinganindexfingerup reflexively,theASLfor“understand,”Dr.Millerhadlearned.Then,inclassicKai fashion,hechangedthesubject.“IhadapanicattackinpubliconSaturday.” Dr.Millerpursedherlips,tookinadeepbreath,andscribbledafewnotes, includingaremindertogobacktothesubjectofKaiworryingaboutprotectingRenee fromhimselfandhiscontinuedfixationontheword“crazy”todescribehimself.She noddedtoindicateheshouldelaborate. “Jonknockeduphisgirlfriend,”Kaisaidafteralongsilenceinwhichhe evidentlyattemptedtocontrolhisanxiety,hisbreathingconsciouslyslowanddeep,as wellasfigureouthowtoproceed. “Andthisupsetyou?” Kaibithislip—hard—ashethought. “Kai.” Immediately,hereleasedit,testinghislipwithhistongue—Dr.Millercouldn’t see,butshesuspectedhe’ddrawnblood—beforeshiftinghisweightintherecliner. Perhapsitwastimetodigintoher“Kaidrawer”asshe’dcometocallit,andgivehim somepropstoplaywithsohisanxietywouldn’tspikeandtoensurehewouldn’thurt himself. “Imean,I’mhappyforhim,really.Jondeservesafamilyofhisown,but...” Kaispokerapidly,almostwithouttakingabreath. “Kai.Deepbreaths.Comeon.”Dr.MillerledKaithroughseveralminutesof focused,relaxedbreathinguntilshecouldseethetensionleavehisneckandshoulders. “It’sstupid,”Kaifinallyadmitted.Dr.Milleropenedhermouthtoprotest,but Kaispokefirst.“Iknow,that’sabadword,too.”Hesighed,smoothedahandoverhis face.“Jonisgoingtomoveout;it’sinevitable.AndI’mscared.Scaredofhowthings’ll 157 change.Scaredofbeingalone.” Dr.Millercouldsee,despiteKai’sbestefforts,hewasheadingtowardapanic attack,fast.Shecontinuedtotalktohimasshewenttoherdesktogethimadoseof hydroxyzine.“Kai,Iwantyoutofocusonmyvoice,tofollowmetothatpeacefulplacein yourmind.” “Ican’t,”Kaisaid,hisvoicewobbling. “Whycan’tyou?”Dr.Milleraskedcalmly,grabbingabottleofwaterfromher minifridgeandapproachingKai. Kaihadhiseyestightlyshut.“BecauseallIcanseeinmyheadisme,sick, alone.ThemoreItrynottoseeit,themoreIdo.” “Here,”Dr.Millersaid,pressingthepillandthebottleinKai’shands.“Take this.Thentellmewhyyou’realoneinyourheadrightnow.” Kaidutifullyobeyed,hisfingersimmediatelyreachingtopeelthelabeloffthe bottle.Theywereshaking,though.“BecauseRewillleaveassoonasIgetsick.Because she’sdisgustedorscaredorboth.” “ButReneepassedyourtest.Youstillthinkshe’llboltatthefirstsignof trouble?” Kaihuggedhimselftight,whetherforcomfortorasawaytotrytostophis trembling,Dr.Millerwasn’tsure.“Everyoneelsehas.” Dr.Millerdecidedtoleavethatfornow.“AndJon?Youthinkjustbecausehe becomesafatherthatyouwon’tmattertohimanymore?Evenafterallhe’sdonefor you?” Kaimovedhisheadinawaythatwasn’tquiteanodbutnotashakeeither, almostasifhecouldn’tdecidehowtorespond.“He’llneedtoputVickyandhischild first.It’swhatyou’resupposedtodo.Idon’tblamehim.” “Butitstillbothersyou.” Kainoddedfirmly,squeezedhimselfmoretightly. “Areyouafraidofdying?” ThequestioncaughtKaioffguard,andsomeofhisbuildingtensioneased.It wasatopicthey’dskirtedaroundwheneverthesubjectofKai’slifepre-transplantcame up,orthetransplantitself,buttheyhadn’treallyevergottenintoit,partiallybecause Kaialwaysseemedtofindawaytoartfullyguidetheconversationawayintosomething thatwaspertinentenoughDr.Millerletitgo. Finally,heshookhishead.“No,”hesaid,buthehesitated,asiftherewere more,orhewasn’tquiteascertainofhisanswerashewantedhertobelieve. “Kai?” Kai’sfingersfumbledagainwiththeflimsylabel—itwasagenericbrand,sothe paperandgluewerecheapandresistedeasyremoval.“I’mnotafraidofdying.I’mafraid ofdyingalone.”Kaisaiditina,“There,areyouhappy?”kindofway,andthoughhe triedforafewmoresecondstokeephisrelativecalm,hesoonburstintotears.“Fuck.” “It’sallright,Kai.Tellmewhatyou’refeelingrightnow.” Kaicriedforafewminutes,coveringhisface,hisshouldersheaving,before finallyreplying,hiswordsmuffledbutrapid,“Scared.Ashamed.Panicked.Foolish.I can’tstopcrying.” “That’sOK,Kai.We’vebeenthroughthisbefore.Cryingcanbeahealthywayto releaseyouremotions.” “Cryingmakesmefeelworse.” “Why?” 158 “BecauseIshouldn’tbecrying.”Dr.Millermadeafewnotesabouthowmuch Kairagedagainsttearsinparticular,suspectingtherewasmoregoingonthanmerely hisdislikeatshowingemotionagainsthiswill.Itwasdefinitelysomethingsheneededto exploremore. “Why?” “Whatareyou,afuckingthree-year-old?”Kaisnapped. “Kai.” Hetookafewminutestoregulatehisbreathing.Wipedhiseyesonhissleeves. “Ihavearighttoexpressmyfeelings.Myfeelingsarereal.It’sOKformetoexpressmy feelings.”Kairepeatedthisafewtimes,takingdeepbreathsbetweeneach.Itwasa mantraDr.MillerhadencouragedKaitoadopttoremindhimselfnottobeafraidofhis emotions. “Sothenewsofthepregnancywaswhyyouhadthepanicattacktheother day?” Kainodded.Hewasn’tsobbinganymore,thoughafewstraytearsstilltraced downhischeeks.“Ithitmesofast.Oneminute,we’rewaitingforourlunch,justtalking aboutthesituation,andthenIrealizehe’llneedtomoveout,andboom.NextthingI know,theonlysoundinthedinerismyraggedbreathingandcricketschirpingas everyonestares,aghast,wonderingifthecrazycrippledguyisgoingtopassoutordieor somethingequallyentertaining.” Dr.MillerstifledafrownatKai’susualself-deprecating,sardonicphrasing,and instead,asked,“Anddidyou?” Kailaughed.“Ifthisishell,kudostotheguywiththetailandhorns.” Dr.Millercouldn’tresistherownsmileassheshookherhead.“Passout.Did you?” “Icameclose,”Kaisaid,growingseriousagain.“Someonecalled911,theEMTs wentthroughthewholefiasco,andIwastoodrainedfromthepanicattacktoprotest.” “Andthenwhathappened?” “Jondrovemehome,dosedmeupwithValium,andIslepttherestoftheday.” Dr.Millerarchedhereyebrows,hersignalfor,“That’sit?” Kaisighed.“Wetalkedaboutit,alittle.Hepromisedmethathewouldalways bethereformeifIneedhim,nomatterwhat.” “Andyoudon’tbelievehim?” Kaisighedagain,morefrustratedthistime.“OfcourseIbelievehe’ssincere. Butoneday,nottoofarfromnow,he’llhavetochoosebetweenmeandhisfamily. Eitherhepicksthem,orhelosesthem.It’sinevitable.” Dr.MillermadeanotethatKaiclearlydistinguishedhisbrother’sgirlfriend andfuturenephew(orniece)asJon’s“family”whileexcludinghimself.“Let’sputthis asideforamoment.Youdohavefriends,though,right?” Kaishrugged.“Jakedoesn’tlivehereanymore.” “ButwhataboutDavid?Theoneyougrewupwith?Whomyoureconnected withonHalloween?Didn’thehelpyoustudyforyourmidterm?Isn’themodifyinghis housesoyoucancomeoverforThanksgiving?Doesn’thecallyouhisbrother?” Kainodded.“I’msupposedtogoovertherethisafternoontoseeifeverything’s kosher,orifhehastodoanythingelse.” “Youdon’tthinkDavidwouldbethereforyou,inthishypotheticalsituation whereyou’re...”Dr.Millerglanceddownathernotes.“‘Sickandalone’?” Kaisighed.“Heleftmebefore.Idon’tblamehim,butifI’velearnedanything, 159 albeitthehardway,it’sthatIcan’trelyonanyonetobetherewhenIneedthem.” Adamningadmission.Dr.Millerwrotethatdownandboxeditin.“Doyou reallybelievethat?Surelyyoudon’thonestlythinkthatofyourbrother,notafterthe pastfouryears?Andespeciallythepastfewmonths?” “Ifyouexpectsomething,you’realwaysdisappointed.Ifyoudon’t,youcanbe pleasantlysurprised.” Kaiwasgoingforjadedanddisaffected,butDr.Millersawthroughhim.“Tell mewhatyou’refeelingrightnow.” Kaihesitated,asifthinkingaboutlyingbeforefinallyadmitting,“Depressed. Prettyfuckingdepressed.Anditdoesn’thelpthatIknowIhavenoreasontofeelthat way.” “Haveyoubeenfeelingtheneedtoselfharmthisweek?” Kaisighed.“Notreally;I’vebeenprettygoodlately.”Hehelduphishands, thensmootheddownhissleevesoneachsidetorevealhiswrists.“Norubberbands.” “That’sreallygood,Kai,”Dr.Millersaid,jottingthatdown. Kaiscoffed.“It’sallRe....ThingswouldbeperfectifIdidn’tconstantlyworry aboutlosingher.Aboutherrealizingwhatamistakeshe’smade,howfuckedupIreally am,andhowmuchbettershecoulddoforherself.” “Doyoureallythinkaboutthat‘constantly’?” Kaisighed.“Ithinkaboutitalotmorethanshecouldpossiblyrealize.”He shiftedhisweight.“That’stheproblem:she’sconvincedI’mthiscool,calm,confident guywho’snotafraidofanything.” Impressionmanagement?Dr.Millerjotteddownquickly,underliningit severaltimesandstarringit.Sheknewtheywerealmostoutoftime,certainlynot enoughtogointodetailonKai’sexpressrevelationthathefeltheportrayedoneversion ofhimselftoothers—eventhoseasclosetohimashisgirlfriend—yetbelievedhewas completelytheoppositeofthatpersona.Sheknewalready,ofcourse,thatexpressing himselffreelywasanissue,butshehadn’tquiterealizedhowdeepitwent—andhowit mightpotentiallyaffecthisanxiety.Still,shedidn’twanttoleavehimwithout addressingitonsomelevel. “Sooncesherealizesthe‘truth’...”Dr.Millersaid,usingairquotes,following hislogictrain. “Yup.Bubbleburst,gameover.Donotpassgo,donotcollect$200.”Andthere itwas,Kaiassumingthatrelationshipswouldallendinfailure.Shewonderedifhe realizedthatbeliefslikethiscouldoftenbeself-fulfilling. “YoupresumethatReneeisextremelyshallow,andfromeverythingyou’vetold meabouther,shedoesn’tseemtobeatallthatway.” Kaiseemedtoconsiderthis,butsaidnothing. “Ialsofinditunlikely,especiallyinthepastfewweeks,thatyou’vedonesucha goodjobpretendingtobethissupposed‘otherperson’thatshe’sfallingforhiminstead ofyou.” Kaifrowned.“Whatdoyoumean?” “Peoplearecomplex.True,wecan’tknowhowanyonewillreactinagiven situationuntilthey’reinthatsituation.But,ifReneehasreallylivedthroughher previousexperiencesrelativelyunscathed—andkeepinmindI’mbasingthisonlyon whatyou’vetoldmeofher—thenshe’salotstrongerthanyou’regivinghercreditfor. Justbecauseyouhaven’thadapanicattackinfrontofherdoesn’tmeanshe’llboltifit happens.” 160 Kaitookthisin,hisexpressionunreadable,butnotintentionallyso.Heseemed thrownbytheentireconcept.Finally,hecomposedhimself.“Sonowiswhenyoutellme Ishouldsitherdownandtellheraboutmyanxiety.” Dr.Millernodded.“Keepingitfromherisn’tdoingyouanyfavors.Ifyouhave adialoguewithher,likeyoudidaboutyourtransplantandyourMLS,thenshe’llbeable tounderstandandknowwhattoexpect.And,mostimportantly,it’llbeonelessthingfor youtoworryabout.” “Onelessthingtobeanxiousabout.”Hedrummedhisfingersonthearmofthe recliner.“I’llthinkaboutit.”Normallyaphrasethatmeant“nofuckingway,”likewhen shehadfirstsuggestedKaitrygrouptherapy(untillater,whenshepersisted,andhe actuallydidtellher“nofuckingway”),butthistimeheseemedsincere.Heleanedover totesttoseeifthereclinerclosedthesamewayitopened,withthelever,andgruntedin frustrationwhenherealizeditwasthekindyouneededtoclosewithyourlegs. Dr.Millerthoughtaboutofferingtohelp,butdecidedshe’dlethimaskifhe neededit.Notonlydidshenotwanttoirritatehimandpotentiallyruintheirgood rapport,butshewasprettysureKaiknewhislimitations,atleastphysically.She watchedasheusedhishandstopushhisbodyforwardintheseat;oncereclined,the reclinernolongermoved,whichmadethingsalittleeasier.Makingsuretokeepone handgrippingtherecliner,justincase,hereachedoutanddraggedhiswheelchair closer,liningitupbeforeliftinghislegsovertheedge.Hehadtobecarefulhishand didn’tstraytooclosetothefootrestoftherecliner,sinceitthreatenedtoclose—not completely,butenoughtothrowhimoffbalance—fromthestrengthofhisupperbody. Sohereadjustedhisweight,movedhislegsagainwithonehand,beforefinallymaking thetransfer,loweringhisbodysmoothlybutcarefullyintothecushionofhiswheelchair. Hepausedforamoment,asiftoglareatthereclinerbeforesettinghisfeetinplace, shiftinghisbodyback,andletoutarelievedsigh. “Remindmenevertositinthatthingagain.” Dr.Millerstifledalaugh,especiallywhenKaiusedthesideofhisfistina powerfulthumptoshuttheblastedthing—whichpromptlydecidedtospinaroundonce freeofitsreclinedlock.Insteadshesaid,“HaveagoodThanksgiving.” Kainodded.“Youtoo.”Hehesitatedamomentbeforespinningaroundto leave.“Icanstillcallyou...if—” Dr.Millernodded.“I’mnotgoingoutoftown,soifit’sanemergency—aslong asyourlifeisn’tontheline,”sheclarified,“inwhichcase,gototheER—youcancallme andI’lltrytoreturnyourcallassoonaspossible.” Kailookedimmenselyrelieved.“I’mnotplanningonoffingmyself,butit’sonly Tuesday.”Kaismirked,andDr.MillerknewitwasKai’sway,butittroubledher,andshe couldimmediatelyseeheregrettedthejoke.“I’mOKrightnow,really.Ijustwantto knowwhatmyoptionsare.Justincase.” Dr.Millernodded.“Nextweek,Iwanttodosomebiofeedbackandrelaxation exercises.Ifwefeelthat’stakingtoomuchtime,wemightwanttoconsidertwosessions aweekagain,ifyouthinkyouneedit.” Kai’seyesdartedtothesidebeforefinallynodding.“Imight.Thanks,Dr.M.” Theconferenceroomwasuncomfortablywarm,andDr.BenJohnsenknewforafact thatmostofthecommitteemembershadn’tplannedtoworktoday,whichdidn’tbode wellforJon.Still,Jonhadclearlyputallhiseffortintohispresentation:thelighted cabinetsbehindhimwerelinedwithX-raysandCTfilmsthoughthelightwasoff,and 161 hislaptopwassetupwithhisPowerPointpresentationallreadytogo,thepulldown screendisplayingthetitlepageinalarge,boldfont.Jonhadalsoputonhisnewest, cleanestwhitecoat—likelykeepingitinhisofficeinthedrycleaningbaguntilonlyafew minutesagotomakesureitwasfresh,changingintoitfromanother,morelived-inone. HishairwascombedandasneatasJon’shairevergot,histieseriousandstraight,and onlysomeonelikeBen,who’dworkedwithJoncloselyforseveralyears,wouldbeableto tellhownervoushewas. Rightnow,theyhadtheroomtothemselves;Jonhadarrivedearlytosetup, andBenhadfinishedhisroundsfifteenminutessoonerthanplanned,sohe’dtakena seatheknewoneofthecommitteememberswouldn’tuse,slippedhisbriefcasewithhis ownpresentationmaterialsunderthetable,andleanedbacktowaitwhilehesippedhis coffee. Jonwasorganizedtothepointofbeinganal,andinadditiontohislaptopand filmshadastackofmaterials,professionallyboundandreadytobedistributedtoeach committeemember,plusarubberbandedbunchofindexcardsthatseemedtobecolor coordinated,perhapspromptsforthespeechportionofhispresentation.Jonwas definitelya“gunner,”anot-so-affectionatenicknameforthesupersmart,highly motivatedmedicalstudent,sonamedbecausetheyoftenused“gunnerpens”—themutliinkkindwiththeknobsthatletyouswitchcolorsfromthesamepenfortakingdetailed, organizednotes. Dr.Jhadtostiflealaughwhenhenoticedacoupleofthefamiliarblue-andwhitepensinthebreastpocketofJon’swhitecoatasJongatheredupthespiral-bound bookletsandbeganlayingoneinfrontofeachchair.Unofficially,theseatingwasfirst come,firstserve,butthecommitteemembershiphadn’tchangedmuchovertheyears, andeachpersonhadafavoritespot.Woebetidetheyoungdoctorwhochosethewrong seatfortheirfirstmeetingwiththecommittee. Thiswasn’tJon’sfirstrodeo,though;inadditiontotheseveralmeetingshe’d attendedtopleadKai’scase,plustheoneseveralmonthspreviouslythatthisonewas meanttoreconsider,JonhadsatinorassistedonseveralofDr.Johnsen’scaseswhile hewasafellow,andhadmetwiththecommitteeononeotheroccasionaboutfour monthsagoforoneofhisCFpatients. BenwassurprisedwhenJonlaidoneofthepacketsinfrontofhim. “Imadeafewextra,”Jonsaid.“Justincase.” Bennodded,flippedthroughit.Jonwasnothingifnotthorough,including someofthelimitedpublishedresearchonFS—mostofitdonehereatJMH—alongwith someunpublisheddata.Dr.JwasparticularlyimpressedwithJon’scomparative analysisofthedeleteriouseffectsoftheFSdiseaseprocesswiththatofother transplantableailmentslikecysticfibrosisandemphysema,completewithsomefull colorphotos,sidebyside,ofseveralpostmortemlungtissuesamplesfromCFpatients andFSpatients.Thepictures,whichshowedmassivefibrosisanddestructionofthe smallairways,werealmostindistinguishable. “Thisisexcellentwork,”Dr.Jcouldn’thelpsaying,flippingtotheback,where Jonhadincludedalistofothermaterialthecommitteecouldconsultformore information,shouldtheybesoinclined.“Wedon’tdeserveyou.” Jonignoredhim,doublecheckedhehadeverythinginorderforthefifteenth time,andthensatdown,anxiously,towait,tryingtoresistlookingathiswatchevery tenseconds. BengaveuptryingtoengageJoninconversationafteracouplemorefailed 162 tries,andsimplydrankhiscoffeecalmly,wonderinghowmuchJonwasgoingtohate himinaboutthirtyminutes. Startingaboutfiveminutesbeforethemeetingwasscheduledtobegin,thefirst membersofthecommitteearrived,filingin,notebooksinhand,chattingglumly.Itwas clearthatmostweren’tparticularlythrilledtobehere,buttheyallnodded acknowledgmentstoBenwhileatleasthavingthedecencytonotglareatJon. TheJonesvilleMemorialHospitaltransplantcommitteewascomprisedof sevenmembers:threephysicians,twonurses,oneofthein-houselawyers,anda middle-agedwomanwhoDr.Jwasn’tentirelysurewhathertrainingwas,onlythatshe servedasacombinationofanadministrativeandsocial-workertyperole,andhadforas longashe’dworkedhere.Whenshewasn’tmakinglife-or-deathdecisionsonthepanel, shewasinchargeofthelegionofcounselorsandothernon-medicalsupportstaffthat helpedpatientsandtheirfamiliesnavigatethewatersofillhealth,treatment,anddeath. Onceeveryonehadarrived,includingacoupleyoungmeninscrubsDr.Jdidn’t recognizeandwhowereprobablyeithersurgeryresidentsornon-pulmonaryfellows invitedtositinonthemeetingbyoneofthecommitteemembers,Jonbeganhis presentation.Asaformality,heintroducedhimself,thankedthecommitteefortheir time,explainedthematerialshehadprovidedforthem,andbegan. IfJonhadn’talreadyimpressedBenwithhismaterialsandpreparation,his presentationdiditfromthebeginning.Jonhadchangedhisstrategycompletely;instead ofpresentingmoregenerallyaboutFS,he’dchosentofocusononeparticularpatientas anexampleofwhythecommitteeshouldchangeitsmindaboutuniversallydisallowing FSpatientsfromtransplantconsideration.Byputtingafaceonthedisease—inthiscase ahandsome,ifsicklylookingfifteen-year-oldboynamedMartinGomez—Jonwas startingstrong.Jon’sstrategybeingitwaseasyforthecommitteetorejectallFS patients,butalotharderwhentheyhadtolookatsomeone’sphotoanddoit.Jonhad usedarecentpicture,too;Dr.Jhadseenhimtakeitonlyafewdaysearlier.Itshowed theboy,clearlysmilingthoughhismouthwashiddenbyasurgicalmask,thetubingof hisoxygencannulaeleadingoutfromaboveandbeneathit. AsJoncontinued,Martin’sphotostayedinoneportionoftheslidewhilehis bulletpointsslowlyfilteredinontheother,comparingMartin’spresentationwiththat ofanotheroneofhispatients,aboyofsixteennamedIvanSwanssonwithCF,whomthe committeehadapprovedtobelistedafewmonthsearlierandwasalreadyawaitinga match.Itwasacunningmove,andJon’spassionandcompassionforhisjobandhis patientsshonethrough.WhenJonhadfoughtforKai,ithadbeenpersonal.Thoughthis situationwasclearlydifferent,Jonwasshowingasmuchcareanddeterminationforthe restofhispatientsashehadforhisbrother.Itwasadmirable,butalsoapotential liability,Benobserved. Joncontinued,showingsomemorecomparativeslidesliketheoneinhis packet,illustratingthepathologicalsimilaritiesinthetissueofhisexampleCFandFS patients.AllofthisworkeduptoJon’ssmartestmoveyet:compromise.He acknowledgedthatheunderstoodifthecommitteewasn’twillingtoputFSinthesame bracketasmoreestablisheddiseasessuchasCF,butpleadedwiththemtoatleast considerafewcasesayear.Jonpromisedthathewouldcarefullyscreenhispatientsand ensurethatonlythoseFSpatientswiththegreatestneedandwhohedetermined— basedonvariousfactorssuchasageandcompliance—wouldmostbenefitfroma transplantwouldevenbesubmittedtothecommitteeforconsideration. WithafewfinalslidesshowingthemassivefibrosisofMartin’slungs,followed 163 byanotherphoto—thisonewithoutthemask,showinghimsmilingdespitetheoxygen cannulae—Jonmadehisfinalpitch.Jonencouragedthecommitteetoconsider pathology,ratherthandiagnosis,whenmakingtheirconsiderations. “Afibrosedlungisafibrosedlung;themechanismofdiseaseastohowitgotto thatstateshouldbeirrelevant,ifallotherfactorssuggestthepotentialforasatisfactory outcomeposttransplant.PatientslikeMartinshouldn’tautomaticallybedoomedto deathbecauseoftheirdiagnosis.Iurgethecommitteetostronglyreconsiderits previousstanceontheissueofallowingFSpatientstobeconsideredforlistingforlung transplantation.Thankyouagainforyourtime.” Jonpaused,asifhopingsomeofthecommitteememberswouldengagehimin questionsordiscussion,butnoneofthemdid.Hispresentationhadbeenquite thorough,andBenfeltaflareofguiltknowingthatifheweren’tabouttogoupthereand saywhatheneededtosay,Jonmayactuallyhavebeenabletoswayenoughofthe members’mindstomakeadifference.Infact,hewastemptedtogetupandwalkout, anddamntheconsequences,because,frankly,heagreedwitheverythingJonsaid,even ifhedidfeelJoncouldstandalittlemoreemotionaldistancefromhispatients.Afterall, KaimightneverhavegottenhistransplantifDr.JandJonhadn’thadaunifiedfront againstthecommitteeyearsago. Shakinghishead,Benstoodup,hisbriefcaseoveroneshoulder,andshook Jon’shand,offeringhimasmile.“Whateverhappens,”hesaid,“noonecansayyou didn’tdoyourabsolutebest.” AlmostassoonasBenbooteduphisPowerPoint,Jonknewhewasfucked.Benwas talking,butitdidn’ttakelongforitalltobecomeablur.JonhadadmiredDr.Johnsen greatlyfromhisfirstinterviewasafellow,andhadevenconsideredhimafriend—as muchashehadfriends,anyway.Andnowallofhishardwork—thepresentationhehad focusedonsopainstakinglyforweeks—wasallfornaught. Dr.Jwasn’tsupportingJon’scase,asJonhadassumedhewould.Instead,he wasreportingonKai,astheonlypatientwithknownFStohaveundergone transplantation,andhewasclaimingthatitwasinconclusivehowcurativethe procedurehadbeen. “EarlyonthemorningofSeptember3,thisyear,Mr.Foxwasbroughtintothe ERbyambulance...” Jon’sheartstopped,andhebarelymanagedtocatchbitsofwhatBenwas saying.Justshyofthreemonthsago,Kaihadstoppedbreathing,goneinandoutof consciousness,wasrushedtotheERandkeptforobservationforseveralhours,mostof thoseonmechanicalventilation. “Unfortunately,Mr.Foxdeclinedfurthertreatment,andthoughIdidrun severaltestsafewdayslater...” Jonstaredattheslideandtriedtorememberthiswasrealandnota nightmare.Kaihadalmostdiedandhehadn’tthoughttomentionit?AndhowwasJon notnotifiedinthefirstplace?NotonlywasheKai’snextofkin,hewaslistedinKai’s filesashismedicalproxy.IfKaiwasunconscious,Jonshouldhaveimmediatelygottena call.Whothehellfrompulmonologyhadbeenoncallthatnight?Jon’sthoughtsturned murderousashestruggledtonotriphishairout. Dr.Jcontinued,talkingmoreaboutKai’scaseandhistestresults,howKai’s issuesdidn’tseemrelatedtorejection,howDr.JhadstartedKaiontheamphigarol again,etc.,etc.,butJonwasn’tabletoconcentrateonanyofit.He’dneverfeltmore 164 betrayedinhislife—bybothBenandKai—andneverfeltmoresicktohisstomachthat somethingcouldhavehappenedtoKaiandhewouldn’thaveknownaboutituntil nothingcouldbedone. “There’snodoubtthetransplanthasprolongedMr.Fox’slife,andhisqualityof life,evenwithimmunosuppression,isunqualifiedlybetter,”Dr.Jsaid,windingdown. “However,Imustacknowledgethatthereisstillalotwedon’tunderstandaboutFS,and itisimpossibletosayhowmuchlong-termbenefithewillreceive,orhislifeexpectancy, excludingpost-transplantationsequelae.” Thelastfewminutesofthemeetingpassed,thecommitteeannouncingthey’d revealtheirverdictatnextweek’smeeting,andfilingoutafterafewwordstoBen,who waspackinguphislaptop.Jonsatinhisseat,seeminglyfrozen,waiting.Thenhe mechanicallyroseandstrodeovertoDr.J,whohadslunghisbriefcaseoverhis shoulder. PerhapshesawthelookonJon’sface,hisonlywarning,becausehethrewhis handsupinsupplication.“Jon—” Later,Joncouldhardlyrecallwhathadhappenedafterthemeeting;itfeltlike anightmare,likeadreaminwhichhisbodywasdoingthingsheneverimaginedit woulddo,buthewasn’tabletostophimself.Inaninstant,JonlungedatBen,shoving himagainstthewall,standinginfrontofhim,armsoneithersideoftheshorterman’s head.KaiwastallerthanJon,nearly6’4”,butnotbymuch;Jonstoodahalfaheadover themanhehadconsideredhismentoruntilaboutfifteenminutesearlier,fumingwith ragesointensehisvisionwentred. “Youmotherfucker!Youfuckingcockblockedme!Thecommitteewillnever ruleinmyfavornow!Howcouldyou?” ThoughBenhadinitiallyflinched,heleanedagainstthewall,outwardlycalm, lookingupatJon.“IdidwhatIwasethicallyobligatedtodo.Wedon’tknowwith certaintythatatransplantiscurativeforFSpatients,andKaihasbeenexhibitingsome FSsymptomsrecentlythatheshouldn’tbeexperiencingpost-transplant.” “Andyoucouldn’tgivemeaheadsupthatyouweregoingtosideswipemy entirepresentation?” Dr.Jatleasthadthedecencytolookcontrite.“Iworriedifyouknewitmight weakenyourresolve.Yourcasewassolidandwellargued.EvenwiththeinfoaboutKai, there’sstillachance—” “AndKai.HowwasInotnotified?” Dr.JmadetoduckunderoneofJon’sarms,butJonshiftedtokeephim trapped,forcinghimtoanswer.“Justbecauseyou’rehisproxydoesn’tmakeyou automaticallyprivytoeverything.Youknowthat.Kaiwasconsciousenoughtostatehis wishes:hedidn’twantinvasiveventilation,andhedidn’twantyoucontacted.”Ben shrugged. Jonduckedhishead,thoughhedidn’tmoveotherwise.“You’vekilledMartin, youknowthat?AndGodknowshowmanyotherkids.” Dr.Jfinallylosthiscool.“Jon,you'rebrilliant,youhavegreatintuition,and yourpatientsadoreyou.You'realsoincrediblypassionateanddedicatedtoyourwork. Butpassioncanbeabadthingforaphysician.Weneedtohavedistance.Youforget that,sometimes.Thiscaseinparticular,thiskid—IknowyouseeKaieverytimeyou lookathim,andthat'sonereasonyou'resodeterminedtofightforhim.Butit's beginningtoblindyou.You'vegottenonthebadsideofalotofthosecommittee members—includingtheChiefofSurgery.Thatcouldhaveseriousconsequencesfor 165 yourabilitytogetdonewhatneedstobedoneinthisplace.”HepushedatJon’sarm, whichfinallydropped.Jontookastepback,releasingBenfromwherehe’dbeenpinned againstthewall.“I'mstartingtoworryaboutyourabilitytomakegooddecisions regardingMartin’scare.”Dr.Jadjustedthestrapofhisbag,watchingJonwarily, thoughhe’dgonebacktohiscalmcomposure.“Ishouldassignhimtoanother physician.” Jonsteppedbackfarther,lettingtheoldermanwalkaroundhim.“Don't,Ben. Please.MartinhasbeenmypatientsinceIgothere.Iknowhim.Iknowhismother.” Dr.Jsighed.“Youneedabreak.Arealbreak,awayfromthisplace.Iwantyou togohomeandIdon'twanttoseeyouhereagainuntilMonday.” “I'moncall—” “I'llarrangeforsomeoneelse.” “Youdon'thavetheauthor—” ThefirstflashofgenuineangerpassedfleetinglyinBen’seyes.“Doyouwant metogetMacDonaldonthephone?ShouldItellhimhowyouassaultedme?” Themagnitudeofwhathe’ddonehitJonhard.Hecouldbarelyfindthewords tosay,“No,sir.” Kaiwassittinginhiswheelchair,leanedforwardwithhiselbowsonhisknees,watching Davidmakeafewadjustmentstotheframeofhismasterbathroomdoor.Kaihadbeen surprisedbyhowhandyDavidapparentlywas,andDavidhadconfessedtolearning mostofwhatheknewfromoddjobshe’dfoundtopaytherent.Hewasn’tskilled enoughtomakealivingatit,he’dquicklyrealized,butgoodenoughforDIYandthe occasionalextracashforasmall,simplejob. DavidturnedaroundandlookedatKaiwithafrown.“Thedoorkeepssticking. Imighthavetotrytocutitdown.Whatdoyouthink?” Kaishrugged.“I’veneverevenheldahammer.You’reaskingthewrongguy.” ThatmadeDavidlaugh. “Look,partofthereasonIcameovertodayisIhaveafavortoaskyou.” Davidgrabbedabottleofwaterhe’dsetasideandtookalongdrink,thengave Kaialookthatsaid,“Whatareyougettingmeinto?” Kaisighed.“I’vebeenthinkingalotaboutmymom,eversinceJongaveme thatphoto—” Davidgrabbedhistools,asiftoleaveandendtheconversation,butKai reachedoutforhim,urginghimtowait.Withasigh,Davidcollapsedonhisbed,gave Kaianeyeroll,thenagesturetocontinue. Kainoddedathanks.“Jonwon’ttalkabouther.I’vetried,”Kaiaddedin responsetoDavid’sskepticallook.“Allhe’llsayisthatIremindhimalotofher,that I’malotlikeher,butthenheshutsdown.It’sbeendrivingmecrazylately.” Davidfrowneddeeply,crossedhisarmstightlyonhischest.HisfacetoldKai, withoutsigns,thathemightnotknowexactlywhereKaiwasgoingwiththis,buthe thoughtitwasabadidea.Thepastwasbetteroffforgotten,andonewayoranother, whetherbydeathorchoice,boththeirparentshadleftthembehind,andthesooneryou rememberedthatandgotonwithyourlife,thebetteroffyouwere.Davidhadsaidas muchtoKaimorethanonceinthepast,andhiscurrentscowlmeanthisopinionsonthe matterhadn’tchanged. Kaicontinuedanyway.“There’saroominthebasementofthehospitalwhere theykeeptherecordsofthedeceasedpatients—” 166 Asifsensingwherethiswasgoing,Davidpoppedup,shakinghishead.“No,” hesaid,usinghisvoice,oneofthefewwordsheknewhowtosay.Speakingwas somethinghealmostneverdid,butitwasawayofexpressinghowvehementlyhewas opposedtothedirectionKai’spleawastakinghim.“No,”Davidsaidagain,theword inarticulate,butclearenoughallthesame.Hecontinuedinsign,hismovementsrapid andjerky.“I’mnotbreakingintothehospitalrecordsjusttosatisfyyourcuriosity.I mayhavebeenafuckupwhenitwasjustmeIhadtoworryaboutanddamnthe consequences.ButnowIhaveMegan,andshe’sasweet,innocentgirlwhodoesn’tneed toknowthatIbarelystayedoutofjailafterIagedoutofCH.” Kaiblinked.Thatwasnewstohim.Davidhadexplainedthatlifehadn’tbeen easyforhimafteragingout,thathe’ddonewhateverhecouldtoscrapebyuntilhe finallygotasolidjobthatlethimputhislifebackontrack.But,truetocharacter,David hadleftoutthefinerdetails,andKaiwasn’texactlyknownforbeinganopenbook himself,sohedidn’tpush.Nowhekindofwishedhehad.Davidhadalwaysbeenan expertlockpickerandpettythiefwhentheywerekids,andhadrunaminismuggling operationatCountyHouse,gettingitemsforkidsonthedown-lowthattheynormally wouldneverhavehadanopportunitytohave.Thingslikelipstickforthegirlsordirty magazinesfortheboys,itemsbartered,stolen,orboughtwithbarteredorstolencash. WasthathowDavidhadsurvivedonthestreets? Still,Kaitriedtoconveyinhisfacehowimportantthiswastohim.“Iwoulddo itmyself,butI’mnotexactlyinconspicuous,”Kaisigned,indicatinghiswheelchair. “Especiallysinceeveryoneknowsmeinthatfuckingplace.Butyoucouldsneakin, snatchmymom’sfiles,andsneakout,andnoonewouldbethewiser.” David’sscowl,whichcouldhavemeltedglass,intensified.“AndhowamI supposedtodothis,exactly?” “Pretendtobeanorderly,sneakdown,grabthefiles,andgo.Ifigureifyou doitThanksgivingnight,orthedayafter,whenalotoftheusualstaffwillbeoff,no onewillnoticeyou.” Davidrolledhiseyes.“Yeah,don’tyouthinkthey’dknowiftheyhadadeaf orderly?” Kaismiled.“Putsomeheadphonesinandactboredbutwithapurposeandno onewillnoticeyou.Trustme.” Davidshookhisheadandstormedoutoftheroom,signalingtheendofthe conversation,butitwasn’tanotheradamant“no,”either. NeitherKainorDavidhadbroughtupthesubjectofKai’smother’srecordsagain,and theysattogetheronthesofa,eatingpizza.TheTVwason,ESPNtalkingheadsgoingon aboutthevarioustopcollegefootballteamsandwhoseemedtobethemostlikely candidatestomakeittotheNationalChampionshipinJanuary,thevolumeoffand closedcaptioningtextscrollingautomaticallyonthescreen,butKaicouldtellDavid wasn’treallyreadingit. Davidhadgivenupongettingthedoorjustrightfornow,andeverythingelse aboutDavid’shousewasprettyaccessible.ItturnedoutthatMeganhadasthma— nothinglikewhatKaihadbeenlikebeforehistransplant,ofcourse—butitmeantno carpets,norugs,sowithonlysomeadjustmentoffurniture,plusthemodificationtoa fewdoorwaysandthebathroom,andKaicouldbequiteathomehere. Itwasstrange,seeingDavidinhisownhouse,startingareallifeforhimself, andKaiwondered,vaguely,ifmaybehecouldhavethissomeday,too.Maybewith 167 Renee. “Youneedtoeatmorethanonepieceofpizza,”Davidsaid,gesturingwitha crustwithonehandwhilehesignedwithhisother.Davidhadgottenanextra-large,half everythingandhalfcheese,buthe’deatenmostofithimself. Kaishrugged,lookedathishalf-eatenslicesittingonaplateinhislapbefore settingitasideononeoftheendtables.“Ishouldprobablygohome.” Davidsighedandrolledhiseyes.“Don’tbemadatmebecauseIdon’twantto bechargedwithbreakingandentering,andwhoknowswhatelsesincethisismedical recordswe’retalkingabout.” “She’sbeendead16years.Noonewillcare.” DavidshiftedinhisseatsohecouldfaceKaibetter.“Whyisthissoimportant toyou?Whatareyouhopingtofindinhermedicalrecords?I’msureyourscould wallpapertheWhiteHouse,butwouldthattellmewhoyouare?” Kaisighed.“Iwanttoknow...”Kaihesitated,droppedhishands. Davidtiltedhishead,hiseyesurgedKaitofinish. “Ineedtoknowifshewastreated...psychiatrically,”Kailookedsheepish. Davidshookhishead.“Youfeellikeyou’regoingcrazy,andyouthinkifyour momwascrazythat’llmakethingsbetter?”DavidleanedforwardandgrabbedKai’s face,peeringintoitforalongmoment,asifhe’dfindtherealanswerthereifheonly lookedhardenough. Kaipushedhimaway.“MaybeifIcanunderstandher,Icanunderstand myself.”Kaireachedforhischair,pulleditcloser.“Ishouldgo.” Thelightsflickered,andDavidputahandouttopleadwithKaitowaitashe rosetoanswerthedoor. Whathappenednext,happenedfast. KaiwasdebatingaboutignoringDavidandtransferringbackintohischair anywaywhenheheardacommotionbehindhim.HeturnedhisheadintimetoseeJon, alookoffurylikehe’dneverseenonhisbrother’sfacebefore,pushingpastDavidand barrelingstraighttowardKai.Jonmight’vehadseveralinchesoverDavid,butitwas onlysurprisethathadenabledJontobargepastthestrongerman. “Whythefuckdidn’tyousayanything?”Jonwasscreaming,andheleaptat Kai,causingthemtobothfallontothefloorwithathudloudenoughDavidprobablyfelt it. Kai’sheadandshouldersslammedintothehardwoodwithenoughforceitsent electrictendrilsofpainthroughhisjointsandmomentarilycausedhisvisiontoblur.In theconfusion,Kai’sbodytookover,knowinghewasinacompromisedposition,that someonewasrestraininghim,thattheyweregoingtohurthim,thathehadtofight back.Hispulseskyrocketedasheshovedagainstthepersonontopofhimwithfull force,causingthembothtorollontotheirsides.Kairegisteredthethudandwhooshof airastheothermanlandedhard,andnow,freefromimmediatethreat,Kai’sbrain cleared. HereleasedhisgriponJon.“What...whatthehell,Jon?”Hewasbreathing heavily,buthehopedJonwouldthinkitwasfromexertionandnot...whatthehellhad justhappened?Forasplitsecond,itwasasifKaihadslippedoutsideofhimselfand hadn’tquiterealizedthemanhewasfightingwashisbrother.Ithadtobefromhitting hishead. Davidpacedlikeacagedtigernearby,readytopounceifKaiindicatedhe wantedhelp,butKaitiltedhisheadandcastalookatDavidthatsaid,“I’vegotthis.”In 168 theprocess,Kaisawhiswheelchairhadrolledacrosstheroom,faroutofhisreach. Jongrowled,pushedagainstKaiwithallhisstrength,usingthegroundfor leverageandmanagingtothrowKaionhisbackagain.“TheER.Dr.Johnsentalkedall aboutyourlittlevisitafewmonthsago,whichprettymuchnailedthecoffinshutasfar asthetransplantcommitteewasconcerned.Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?Why didn’tyoutellmeyouwerehavingbreathingproblems?”JonwasstillpinningKai, thoughsomeofhisangerhadfaded,andherelaxedhishold. “Ididn’twanttoworryyou,”Kaisaidsimply,notlikingthewayhispulsewas racingandhislimbswerebeginningtofeeltingly,liketheydidbeforeafull-blownpanic attack.Kaiplantedhispalmsonthefloortopushhimselfupintoasittingposition,but Jonshiftedhisweight,shovingagainstKai’schestwithonearmandleaningforwardto keephimdown.AnxietyflaredandKaishiftedhisrestrainedhandsubtlyinJon’sgripso hecouldpushagainstthefloorwhilehetookadvantageofhisonefreearmtoviolently reversetheirpositions,usinghissuperiorweightandstrengthtopinJonbeneathhim, ignoringthewayhislegstangledawkwardly. Hisbodywasstillonedge,butbeingincontroleasedsomeofhisanxiety, thoughhisangerflaredtoreplaceit,makinghisskinhot.“I’mbreathingfine.Itwasone time.”Kai’snostrilsflared,hiseyesglinting,wordlesslytellingJonnottofuckwithhim. “It’snotlikeyoutellmeeverything,”Kaichallenged.“I’msurethere’sbeentimesyou didn’teatorcheckyoursugarlikeyoushould,andyoudidn’tgivemeafullfucking report.” KaiexpectedJontogivein,butinstead,heshoulderedintoKai,catchinghim offguard,andtheyrolledalongthefloor,eachfightingforcontrol.IfDavidhadn’t alreadyclearedthelivingroomtomakeegressforKai’swheelchaireasier,itwaslikely theywouldhavedestroyedit.Thetwobrotherswrestledacrosstheopenfloor,unwilling toyield,thoughneitheronewasabletooverpowertheotherenoughtofixtheirposition. Kaiwasmuchstrongerandfitter,butJonhadtheadvantageofallfourlimbs,andhe finallymanagedtousehiskneestosubdueKai,gettinghimonhisbackagain,sittingon Kai’sstomach.JonutilizedallhisweighttopinKai’sarmsoutathissides,palmsup, crucifixionstyle,pressinghimintotheground. Bothbrothers’chestswereheaving,bothweresweating,thoughKai’swasmore fromanxietythanexertion.HefoughtagainstJon’shold,butwithouthisarmsandwith Jonsecuringhisabdomen,hecoulddolittlemorethansquirm,hisbodyracingtoward fullpanicagain. “Getoffme,”Kaisaid,tryingtomakeitsoundlikeathreatandnotlikefear. ThoughadrenalineanddeterminationweremakingJonstrongerthannormal,Kaiknew hecoulddisplacehisbrother,thoughhewasn’tsurehecouldescapewithoutseriously hurtingJon.Kai’sheartwasbeatingsoharditfeltlikeitwouldtearitswayoutofhis chest.“Getthefuckoffme,now,”Kaisaid,hisvoicetingedwithanger,thoughit wobbled,hispulseflutteringfranticallyinhisthroat. Jon’sgriptightenedonKai’sarms,andKaihadtobitehisliptotrytokeep himselfundercontrol.Fortunately,Jonpushedagainsthim,releasinghimwithagrunt offrustratedanger.“Foronceinyourlife,stopbeingsofuckingself-absorbed.Theworld doesn’trevolvearoundyou.Youractions—andinactions—haveconsequences,”Jonsaid, hiswordsharsh,thoughKainoticedhisvoicebroke.Jonrose,immediatelylooking away.Thenhestoodforamoment,asiftryingtocollecthimself,wipinghisfacewithhis sleeve. Kailayonhisback,proppeduponhiselbows,thehumofadrenalinestill 169 coursingthroughhisbody,feelingdizzy,knowinghewouldbeginshakinganymoment anddesperatelyhopinghecouldkeepittogetherforafewmoreminutes.Hestaredup atJon,gratefulhewasnolongertrapped,butbewildered.Jonwasneverviolent,andhe rarelygotangry.AtleastnotdirectedatKai. “I’mgoingtoVicky’s.Imaynotcomehomeforawhile,”Jonsaidinacold voice.Hehesitated,glancedatDavid,thenseemedtorememberthatKai’sfriend couldn’thearanythinghewassaying,andadded,“Vickywantsmetomoveinwithher anyway,becauseofthebaby.Mightaswelldoitnow.”Jonadjustedhiscoatandheaded towardthedoor,pastascowlingDavid.“I’llhavethepaperworkdrawnuptocancelthe proxyship.Mightnothappentillaftertheholiday,butifyouwantyourindependence, I’llgiveittoyou.” Kai’sbloodrancold.Hepushedhimselfupintoasittingposition.“Jon—” “Don’tfucking‘Jon,’me,”Jonsaid,hisangerflaringagain.“Youmakeyour bed,youlieinit.JustrememberthatMartinwilldieifthecommitteevotesagainstme. Anditwill,nowthattheyknowthegolden-hairedboyisn’tcured.”Jon’sfinalwords cameoutsoundinglikehewasgoingtolosehislunch,andbeforeDavidslammedthe doorbehindJon,Kaithoughtheheardheavingsounds. Kailetthetremblingtakeover,strugglingtotakeslow,deepbreathstoget himselfundercontrol. DavidrushedovertoofferKaiahand,butKaipushedhimaway,pulling himselfbacktohischairandliftinghimselfupintotheseat,reliefwashingoverhimas hesettledintoit,evenifhispulsewasn’tyetbacktonormal,andthetinglingstillmade hisfingersnumb.Withoutaword,hehurriedtothefrontdoor,rippingitopen,thecold piercingthroughhisT-shirtandjeans,butJonwasgone,theonlysignhehadbeen therethefaintsmellofvomitsomewhereinthebushes. Kai’scheekswerebrightred,hislipswereturningblue,hewasshivering,andhewas blatantlyignoringDavid’sshouldertapsandhandwaves.SoDavidtriedtogripthebar onthebackrestofKai’schairtoforciblypullhiminside,butKailockedhishands aroundhiswheelsandrims,anditbecameawarofwillsandstrength,makingDavid gruntinfrustration. Davidstompedhisfootloudlytonoavail.Clappedhishands.Usedhisvoiceto letoutashort,sharpsoundthatusuallyworkedwellenoughtogetahearingperson’s attention.Noresponse.Finally,hecuppedhishandsoverhismouthandshouted, throwingtheairoutfromdeepinhisstomach,somethinghenormallywoulddoonlyif heweretryingtogetsomeone’sattentionacrossalargespace.MaybeitwouldsnapKai outofwhatevertrancehe’dfallenintoafterhisbrotherhadstormedout. Davidhadnoideawhatthetwohadsaidtoeachother,buthe’dseenthehurt andangryexpressionsoneachoftheirfaces,andhe’dseenhowutterlylostKaihad lookedwhenDavidhadfinallycomeouttocheckonhim.Thesamesad,vacantshadow thathadtakenoverKaiyearsago,whenthey’dbothrunawayfromCountyHouse hopingtoconfrontKai’sparents,whoKaihadbeenconvinced—atageeight—werestill alive.Sohecouldaskthem,pointblank,why’dthey’dlefthim. Only,whenthey’dfinallymadeittoKai’schildhoodhome,astrangerhad answeredthedoor,andeventhoughKaihadtriednottoshowit,allhishopehad crumpledinthatmomentasherealizedhewasalone.Davidbeingbesidehim,refusing toleavehimevenwhentheyknewthecopsandCPSwouldbebyanyminutetoreclaim themboth,towhiskthembacktoCountyHouse,hadn’tmattered. 170 Davidletoutalesspowerfulsecondshout,shakingKai’sshoulderharder. Kaiseemedtofinallysnapoutofit,lookingupatDavid,causingachill unrelatedtothewinterweathertoraceupDavid’sspine.Kailookedlikehissoulhad beenhollowedoutanddiscardedlikethepulpofaJack-o-Lantern,leavingonlyan emptyshell.ItwasevenworsewhenKaismiled,putahandtohischest.“I’mfine.” BeforeDavidcouldcontradictorcallhimout,Kaihadpushedbackinsideand waspullingonhiscoat. “Whereareyougoing?” “Tokillmyself.”Kaisignedwiththatsamecreepy,deadsmile,anditscaredthe shitoutofDavid.“WherethefuckdoyouthinkI’mgoing?Home.” Davidblockedthedoor,ignoringKai’spaint-peelingglare.“Stayheretonight. Thebathroom’sready—” Kaiinhaledsharply.“I’mfine.Idon’tneedJon,andIdon’tneedyou.I’mfine.” DavidcouldseeKai’swallscrumbling,likehewasthreateningtoloseitatany moment,buthealsoknewKaiwellenoughthatnothinghecouldsaycouldkeepKaiif he’dalreadymadeuphismind.“Don’tdoanythingstupid,”Davidsaidanyway,doing hisbesttoimpartallthemeaninghecouldintoacouplesigns.KaiandDavidhadnever talkedaboutit,andDavidhadneverrattedKaiout,butovertheyearsatCountyHouse Davidhadoccasionallyfoundtherazors,thesharpplastic,theglass,whateverKaicould managetostealunnoticed,hiddenintheirvariouscachesinthewallsorunderthefloor. AndDavidhaddiscardedthemeverytime,tryingtoignorehowthey’dsometimesstill becoatedwithdriedblood.“Textmeifyouneedto.OK?” KaistaredatDavidalongtime,almostasifKaiwasn’tseeinghim,before smilingfaintly.“TellMeganI’msorryImissedher.I’llseeyouThursdayatten,”Kai said,asifnothingunusualhadhappened.Thenhesmiledagain,theexpressionpained, beforeheadingoutthedoor. TheapartmentseemedparticularlyemptyandforlornwhenKaigothome.Heforced himselftopushtohisbathroom,wherehedutifullytookhisnightlymeds,includinghis inhaledmedications,tryinghisbesttoignorehisreflectioninthemirror. Then,becausehefeltliketorturinghimself,hewenttothefridgeandpulledit open.Triedtopretendhisstomachdidn’tcurlpainfullyinonitselfwhenhesawthe vialsofinsulinweregone.Completelygone.Notevenoneleft. SomethingbrokeinsideKai. Heswallowed,shutthedoormechanically,pushedtothefarcornerofthe kitchen.Hestaredatthekitchenknivesintheirblock,imagininghowthesteelwould feelwhenhepulleditthroughhisflesh,howeasyitwouldbetoaimforsomethingmore thanasuperficialwound.Immediately,hehatedhimselfforthethought.Talkabout self-absorbed,hethoughtbitterly.Instead,heignoredthem,pulledhimselfuponthe counter,sittingontheedgeawkwardly.ItremindedhimabitofRenee,howshedidthe samethingtoreachstuffinthehighercabinets,anditmadehimsmilefaintlyashe pulledopentheoneinthecorner.Hestretched,justbarelymanagingtosnagabottle fromthetopshelf,whereJonhadsequesteredit. Jondidn’treallydrinkbecauseofhisdiabetes,butheoccasionallywasgifteda bottleofliquorfromagratefulpatient’sfamily,andKaiwasrelievedthebottleofJack Jonhadsavedwasstillthere.Kaineverdrank,either,partiallybecausehedidn’tmuch careforthetasteofalcohol,partiallybecauseofhisshittystomach,andpartially becausehisliverwasputthroughenoughpaceswithallthedrugsheneededtotake,but 171 ifitwasbetweengettingdrunkanddoingsomethingfarmoreselfdestructivetonight, Kai’dpickthewhisky. 172 November23,2000 VickyopenedhereyesinthedimnessofherroomandstartledwhenshesawJon,sitting upinbed,onelegpulleduptohischest,theotherhangingofftheedgeofthebed,his headrestingonhisknee,justwatchinghersleep. “Sorry.Ididn’twanttowakeyou,”Jonsaidinawhisper. “Whattimeisit?”Vickysaidasshestretched,searchingfortheclock. “Toolatefornightandtooearlyformorning,”Jonsaidonasigh. VickylaidahandonJon’sshin.“Didyousleepatall?” Jonsighed,hesitated,finallyshakinghisheadasheexhaled.“SinceTuesday night,Ican’tfallasleep,andwhenIdo,Ihavenightmaresandwakeup.Usuallyit’sjust notworththeefforttotrytofallasleepagain.” Vickyreachedoverandturnedonthebedsidelight,onitslowestsetting,justso theycouldseeeachotherbetter.Jonhadexplainedwhathappenedwiththecommittee, withDr.J,howJonhadbeenunofficiallysuspendedforaweek.HisfightwithKai, whichVickysuspectedwaseatingatJonfarmorethananythingelse. “Theusualdreams?” Jonsighedagain.“Sometimes.SometimesIhavethisoneIusedtohaveallthe timethelastsixmonths.”Jondidn’tneedtoclarify;Vickyknewhemeantthelastsix monthsbeforeKai’stransplant. Shesqueezedhisankleencouragingly,sawhimsmilefaintly.OnethingVicky hadenjoyedmostaboutthelastfewmonthswasdiscoveringhowmuchJonlikedtobe touched.Ahandonhisface,fingersonhiswrist,asoftkissunderhischin.Andhow muchJonlikedtotouchback:lipsonherneck,armsaroundherwaist,foreheads pressedtogether. “Iwakeup,andI’msittingbyanemptyhospitalbed,andIknow,inthedream, thatKaishouldbethere,buthe’snot,andIpanic.SoIstartsearchingforhim.Butit’s weird.Likenooneelseseemstonoticeanything’swrong?SoI’mfreakingout,tryingto pushpastpeople,tryingtoaskthemwhathappenedtomybrother,andtheyeither ignoremecompletely,orjustlookatmelikeI’mcrazy.AndIthink,maybeIamcrazy? ButIhavetokeeplooking,soIdo,pushingpastpeoplelikethey’resomekindofliving obstaclecourse,andthewholetimemyheartisracingandI’msweating,justfilledwith thisoverpoweringfeelingofdread.” Joncollapsedinonhimselfforamoment,beforeyieldingtoVicky’sarms, lettingherpullhimdownintoherembrace.Hecurledupbesideher,hisheadonher shoulder,sighingsoftly.Shepressedakisstohishead. “MaybeIshouldcallhim?Makesurehe’sOK?” Vickyhuggedhimtighteragainsther.“Ithoughtthewholepointofthiswasto giveyoubothsomedistance.” Jonsighed,likeheknewshewasright. “Lethimstewforafewdays.He’sabigboy.Hecantakecareofhimself.And he’scapableofpickingupthephone,too.” Jonlaughed,butVickycouldtellitwasareflexandhewasstillworried. Gently,shepressedagainsthim,urginghimontohisback.Thensheclimbed overhim,straddlinghim,smiling.“Letmehelpyougetsomesleep.You’llbetoobusy dodgingmyrelativestomorrowtothinkaboutKaianyway.”Sheplantedakissonhis forehead,atthebridgeofhisnose,oneachcheek,onhislips,onhischin,athisthroat, 173 workingherwaydown. Hishandsslidalongherbody,slippingunderhernightshirttofindbareskin. “Ican’twaittillyou’reshowing,”hesaid. Shelaughed.“Secretpregnancyfetish?” Jonlookedbothmortifiedandembarrassed,whichmadeVickylaughharder. Shekissedthetipofhisnose,rubbingtheircrotchestogether.Noturgently, justgentlepressure,feelinghiswarmthagainsthers. Jon’shandsexploredherbelly,herbreasts,whichwereslightlyfullerthan normal,eventhisearly.“Itjustamazesmethatwemadeanewlifetogether.Itdidn’t existbefore,andnowitdoes.Isn’tthatincredible?”Inthedimlightofthelamp,Vicky couldseetheglowinJon’seyes,aninnocent,childlikejoy.Andsheknew,despiteJon’s reservationsabouthisbrother,hisperfectlysensibleapprehensionsaboutthefuture,he reallydidwanttobeafatherwithher. Shestilledhermovements,ahandonhisshoulder,staringdownathim. “What?”heasked,worried. Shesmiled,leanedintokisshim,deep,needingtotastehimsuddenly,make thismorereal,lovingthewayhishandsreflexivelysoughtoutpositionsonherbodyto supporther,keepherfromfallingorslidingorcollapsing.“Iloveyou,”shesaidina whisper. Jonfroze,literallywentstill,andforaninstant,Vickyworriedshe’dmadea mistake,thatitwastoosoon,evenifthebabyhadacceleratedthingsbetweenthem. Butthenshesawhissmile—thatrare,full-facedgrinthatmadehiswhole countenancelightenandhiseyesbrightentoafaint,beautifulblue.Helaughed,asif surprised,beforesaying,“Iloveyou,too.”Hepulledherdownintoadeep,passionate kiss,thenrolledherontoherback,hisarmsbracedoneitherside,staringintohereyes, hishairfallingdownaroundhisface.Hekissedherhungrily,everybitofskinhecould, beforepausingtopulloffhisteeandtossitaside. Shelaughed,nudgedhimoffsoshecouldstrip,too,andastheyhurriedlytore theirpajamasoff,Jonnevertookhiseyesoffher. “Imagineifsavingliveswereaseasyascreatingthem,”Jonmused,snagging Vickytohimsohecouldfeelhernakedbodyagainsthis.Withanyoneelse,itwouldbe weird,butJon’sphilosophicwayofthinkingwasonethingshelovedabouthim.And talkingaboutthismeanthewasn’tdwellingonhisnightmares. “That’dmaketheworldprettycrowded.”VickylaughedwhenJonteasedone nipple,thentheother,gentlylayingheronthebedbeforehim,hishandseverywhere, largepalmsslidingoverbareskinfromherbreaststoherthighs.ThecaressmadeVicky shakeandshiverwithpleasureandanticipation,thepressureofJon’serectionagainst herleg,urgent. “Mmm,”hemumbledashehummedagainstherbelly,kissingdownherinner thigh,hisbreathwarmandtauntingonhernowsensitizedlipsandclit. “Andwe’dbeoutofajob,”shesaidonasigh,stretchingandtryingtopullhim closewithherlegswrappedaroundhiswaist. “We’dfiguresomethingout,”Jonsaid,hisvoicelow,hoarse,ashepressed himselfcloser,teasingatherentrancebutnotyetpushingin. Shegrippedhisforearmtight.“Please,”shebegged. Finally,shefeltthepressureandfullnessasheenteredher,deep,inone smoothstroke.“Yes,”shesaid,reachingforhim,needinghimtobeasclosetoheras possible,tofeelhimslidingevendeeper. 174 Gettinghercue,Jonsmiledslyly,leanedforward,thrustinghard,nippingat herneck. Vicky’shandstracedtheirwayalongJon’sback,towardhisass,pressinghim closer,closer.Theymovedagainsteachother,eachreachingfortheirownclimaxyet workingtogether,touchingandkissingwhenevertheirmovementsbroughtthemnear enoughtodoso. Finally,ithitthemboth,withinmomentsofeachother,Vicky’svisiongoing whiteandsparkly,hermusclestensingbeforetheyrelaxedasshefeltJon’swarmthfill her,hisbodyjerkbeforetheyfinallybothwentstill.Theycollapsedbesideeachother, spentandsweaty,theirforeheadstouchingasJonmanagedtosnagtheblankettocover thembothbeforethechillaircouldmaketheirdampbodiescold. “Thinkyoucansleepnow?”Vickyasked,smoothingsomeofJon’shairoffhis forehead. Hesighedcontentedly.“Yeah.Foralittlewhile,anyway.” Shewatchedhiseyesdriftclosed,hisbodyrelax,smilingfaintlythatmaybe he’dfinallygetsomerest. VickythoughtJonhaddriftedoffwhenhesaidinasleepyvoice,“Youreally loveme?”Likehegenuinelycouldn’tbelieveshecould. Vickypressedakisstohisforehead,stretchedtoshutoffthelight.“Ihavefora longtime,Jon.Alongtime.” Kaithrewhisalarmclockacrosstheroom,grinningwhenitsevilblareendedina shatteringofplastic.Hismouthwaspainfullydryandnastytasting,hisheadthrobbed, andhisstomachhurt.Whenhepushedhimselfup,hisvisionswamforamomentbefore settling.Hangoversofficiallysucked. Kaigrabbedhischairandtransferred,pushingintohisbathroomtotakehis medicine.Itwastellinghowdehydratedhewasthathedidn’tneedtopee.ButthenKai hadspentmostofthelast36-hoursdestroyingtheJack,alongwithafifthofawfultastingrumhe’dalsofoundinthebackofanothercabinet,passingoutandthrowingup asnecessary,beforeturningbacktothebottleagain.Itdidn’tmakehimlikealcoholany more,andhedidn’tseehimselfmakingtheeventsofthelastdayahabit,butatleast he’dbeenabletoignorehowemptytheapartmentwasforalittlewhile. Rightnow,Kaistaredathisfaceinthemirrorashefilledacupwithwater.He haddeeppurplecirclesunderhiseyes,whichwerebloodshot,hishairwasstandingon endeverywhichway,andahandonhischeekremindedhimhehadn’tshavedsince Tuesdaymorning.Afterrinsinghismouthanddowningseveralglassesoftapwater,Kai proceededwithhismorningroutine,somethinghe’dbeendoingeverydayforlong enoughhedidn’tneedfullbrainpowertogetthroughit. Kaihadjustfinishedtakingthelastofhismedicineandlazilyrecordinghis vitalsinhisnotebookwhenhisphonevibratedonthecounter,fromwherehe’dleftit sometimethedaybefore.Whichwasallabitofablur,butwasn’tthatthepoint? Kaishuthisnotebookwithaloudthudthatmadehimcringe,buttheheadache wouldgoawaywithmorewater,hehoped.Hedidn’twanttotakeaspirin,whichwould furtherkillhisstomach,andTylenolwasoffthetableifhedidn’twanthislivertosend outalittlewhiteflagofsurrender.Besides,heprobablycouldusethepenance. Renee’snameflashed,andhethoughtaboutlettingitgotovoicemail,buthe’d missedhercallsmostofTuesday,andignoredtherestofthem,soheknewhehadto answer.Afterall,itwasn’tRenee’sfaulthewasinashitty,feeling-sorry-for-himself 175 mood. “Morning!”Reneesaidcheerfully. Kaigruntedasheshiftedthephoneintothenookofhisneck,pinningitthere asheusedbothhandstowheelouttowardthekitchen. Shedeflated.“I’msorry.DidIwakeyou?Ithoughtyougotupatseventotake yourmedseverymorning....Shit.Butmaybeyougobacktobedafterward.I’msorry —” Kailethimselfrolltoastop,freeinguphishandtoadjustthephone.“No,Re, it’sfine.I’mup.”Hetriedtoputasmileintohisvoiceforhersake.“I’mjust...I’m actuallynotreallyamorningperson.Ijusthavetobe.” Reneelaughed,andthesoundmadeKaibrightenalittle. “I’msorryImissedyourcalls,”Kaisaid,pushingwithonehandafewfeet,then crossinghisarmoverhisbodytopushtheotherwheelafewfeetuntilhewasclose enoughtothekitchentousethecounters.“It’sbeen...abusycoupledays,”Kaisettled onashepulledopenthefridgeandgrabbedacouplebottlesofGatorade,tryingnotto lookattheemptyshelfwhereJonnormallykepthisinsulin.Davidwantedhimtoshow upatten,sinceeveryoneelsewasslatedtoarriveatnoon,whichdidn’tgiveKaitoo muchtimetogethimselfinpresentablecondition.Andhereallydidn’twanttopassout fromlowbloodpressureinthemiddleofabunchofDeafieshedidn’tknow. “That’sOK.Ifiguredasmuch.”Shehesitatedamoment.“Imissyou.” Kaifoundhimselfsmiling.“Imissyou,too.”Partofhimwouldhavelovedto havespentthelastdayandahalfwithherinsteadofexploringabottleofwhisky,butif hewashonestwithhimself,hewasn’tsureifhecouldhaveletherseehimsowreckedby afuckingfightwithhisbrotherandanemptyapartment. “I’lltrytocallyoulater,butthingsgetalittlecrazyaroundhereonceallthe relativesarriveandthealcoholstartsflowing.I’lltextyou,atleast.” “Soundsgood,”Kaisaid,thencringedathowbadthatsounded.“Imean,I don’tknowhowlongI’llbeatDavid’sanyway,sojustcallmewhenyoucan.” HeheardasoundheknewwasReneeblowinghimakiss,andchuckled,his stomachwarmingslightly.“Ifit’saJudething,though,justtextmethatandI’lltryto sneakawayandcallyouback.OK?” Reneesighedsoftly,herbreathblowingintothephone.“Atfirst,Iregretted tellingyou.I’dkeptitsecretfromsomanypeopleforsolong,Ithoughtitwasamistake, andIwonderediftherewereawayIcouldtakeitback.” Kaicompletely,totallyunderstood,butitdidn’tchangethefactthatithurta littletohearit. “ButI’mreallygladIdid.Idon’thavethathangingoverus,andit’sniceto havesomeonetotalktoaboutit.Whounderstands.Youknow?”Hecouldheartheself consciousnessinhervoice,andhewishedhecouldhugitaway. “Yeah.”Kaisighed,shiftedthephone.“Look,Re,I...IknowI’mnotaneasy persontodealwith,foralotofreasons....Just.”Hesighedagain.“Thanksfortakinga chanceonme.” Renee’slaughagain,warmandliltinginhisear.“Idon’tseeitasachanceat all,andyouknowthat.Ican’twaittillSaturday.”Asoundinthebackground.“Ugh.I gottago.I’msorry.Talktoyoulater!Bye!” ReneewasgonebeforeKaihadtimetoreact,andagain,theapartmentseemed desperatelyquietandempty.HechuggedbothGatorades,barelypausingtobreathein between.MaybeDavidandMeganwouldn’tmindifhegotthereevenearlierthan 176 planned. Itdidn’ttakeKailongtoshower,shave,brushhisteeth,dress,anddownanother Gatorade,whichstilllefthimtwohoursuntilhewassupposedtobeatDavid’s.He decidedtotexthisfriendtoseeifhe’dmindKaicomingoverearlierandnoticedseveral textmessages,spacedapartfromTuesdayafternoonuntilthismorning.Notsomanyas tobeobnoxious,andnoneofthemweredemanding,buttheyallusedsubtlyorjokesto checkinwithKai.Thelastone,sentonlyaboutthirtyminutesearlier,asked,Youdead? Kaifrowned,eventhoughhesuspected,ifDavidhadsignedthat,he’dhavesaid itwithenoughlevityinhiseyestohidetheseriousnessofthequestion.Kairealizedthe lasttimehe’dspokentoDavidhe’dessentiallyjokedhewasgoingtooffhimself,so... Dammit,maybeJonwasright:hewasaself-absorbedasshole. Stilllive.Hangover,KairepliedinASLtextspeak. Davidrespondedalmostimmediately.Meganhermothersisterhere.House crazy.NowmorningMeganhersisterburnfood.MeganMADMAD.NowIneedgo Walmartwhy?buynewfood.Youmegotogether?Please?Yousaveme! KailaughedreadingDavid’stexts,abletoclearlyseehisfriendinhismind’s eye.HewonderedifDavidwasreallysodesperatetoescapethefamily,orifitwashis wayofcheckinguponKaipersonally.Perhapsacombinationofboth. Sothat’showKaiendedupparkedoutsideDavid’shouseat8:30inthe morning,waitingforhisfriendtorushoutandhopin. Amomentlater,DavidkissedMeganatthedoorbeforeleapingoverand slidingintothepassenger’sseatlikeabankrobbermakingforhisgetawayvehicle. Kailaughed. “Whenyouhavein-laws,we’llseewho’slaughing.”ButDavidwassmiling. “OK,thismightseemobvious,butIcan’tsignwhenI’mdriving.”Kaigestured tothesteeringwheelandthehandcontrols.“Ineedbothhands.OK?I’msorry.” Davidshrugged.“Myeyesneedabreak,anyway.IloveMegan,buthersister. ..”Davidwavedhishandsinfrontofhimtoindicatehissister-in-law-to-be’sconstant, frenziedsigning,puffingouthischeekstoemphasizehisexasperation.Thenhepaused, hisfacegotalittlemoreserious,andhelookedKaiover. “I’mfine,”Kaisaid,ahandonhischest.“Notbeingalonetodaywillhelpme.” DavidstudiedKaiasiftryingtoseethroughhisdefensivewalls,searchingfor anytinyhintofbodylanguagethatmightgiveawaywhatKaididn’tfreelyinhissignsor facialexpression,but,seemingsatisfied,hewrinkledhisnose,Deafiefor,essentially,“I believeyou.” Kaiforcedasmall,ifgenuinesmile,shiftedinhisseat,andputthecaringear. Davidreclinedhisownseatandshuthiseyes,andthoughhedidn’tsnore,Kaiwas prettysurehesleptthroughtheshorttriptothestore. Eventhoughitwasearly,itwasThanksgivingday,andthestoreswereall closingatnoon,includingWalmart,sotheparkinglotwasevenmoreofamadhouse thanusual.Kaitookadvantageofbeingstuckbehindaladybackingoutanenormous pickupsheclearlywasn’texperienceddrivingtonudgeDavidawake. “Lookforaplacetopark.Ideallyahandicappedspot.”Foureyeswerebetter thantwo,anddeafeyeswerelikeawholeextraset. Kaicircledthelotafewtimes,gruntinginfrustrationathowmanyofthe handicappedspotsweretakenbycarswithoutplatesorpermits,wonderingifmaybehe shouldjustdropDavidoff. 177 HefeltDavidtaphisshoulder,andglancedovertofollowwherehisfriendwas pointing.AnoldladyclimbingintoherBuickupahead.Kainoddedathanksand signaled,waitingforthespot. Eventhoughtheyweren’tabletotalk,Kaifoundheenjoyedthesilent company.Itremindedhimofwhentheywerekids;DavidknewKaihadtroublesigning ifhewascrutchingit,sohe’doftenshovehishandsinhispocketsandnotsignhimself soKaiwouldn’tfeelleftoutofaconversation.Thoughbysecondgrade,DavidandKai hadgottenprettygoodatcommunicatingwitheachotherwithoutasinglesign,using onlybodylanguageandfacialexpressions.Itwasausefulskillthey’dhonedoverthe years. Theoldladywastakingforever,though,andDavidwasbeginningtoget restless.“MaybeIshouldgetoutandshoveherinhercar.” Kailaughed.Shookhishead. Davidpouted.Thenherolledhiseyes,stuckouthistongue.Hiswayofsaying, “Youspoilallthefun.” Finally,grandmapulledoutofthespot,andKaisnaggeditbeforeanyoneelse could.Onceparked,Davidheldupahandforahigh-five,andKailaughedashispalm metDavid’s,asiftheyweretwelveinsteadofintheirtwenties.Itfeltgood.Reallygood. AndKairememberedwhatDr.Millerhadpointedoutmorethanonce,thathewasn’t alone,thathehadfriendsandpeoplewhocaredabouthim.Peoplehecouldbe comfortablewith,likeDavid. DavidfollowedKaiintothegroceryentrance,andKaiimmediatelypausedandtiltedhis head,rollinghiseyes. Daviddippedhiseyebrows. Kaishrugged.Slippedoffhisglovesandstuffedtheminthepocketofhiscoat. “They’replayingChristmasmusicalready.” Davidglancedup,asifhecouldseethemusic,thenshookhishead,offeredKai ahugesmile.“Doesn’tbotherme.” KailaughedandfollowedDavid,who’dsnaggedacart,towardtheproduce department,thetwoofthemneedingtosplituptomaneuverthroughthecrowds. Everyoneandtheirgrandmotherseemedtobefranticallysnatchingthelastbagsof cranberriesandpotatoes,andnormally,somanypeoplewouldmakeKai’sanxietyflare, butrightnowhewasjustgratefulhehadtofocusonnavigatingthroughtheseaoflegs andcarts,notgivinghismindmuchtimetowander. Hisstomachstartedtoknotwhenherealizedjusthowmanypeoplethere were.Heknewheshould’vewornamask—healwayskeptacoupleinhisbag—butit wouldmakesigningharder,withhalfhisfacecovered.Andasmallvoiceinhisheadwas screaminggleefullyaboutthedanger,theriskhewastaking.Probablythesamevoice thatconvincedhimdrinkinganentirebottleofwhiskyandrum(whenonlyacouple swallowswasenoughtogethimdrunk)wasagoodidea,too. HefinallycaughtupwithDavid,whoteasedhimabitbeforegoingoverthe remainingitemsonthelistsotheycouldcoordinatetheireffortsandgetthroughthe shoppingasquicklyandsmoothlyaspossible. Overthenextfewminutes,thetwofriendsworkedtogether,Kaigrabbingstuff athislevelandDavidstickingtoitemsstackedhigherup.Finally,theyendedupinthe bakingaisle,Davidbentoverhisphoneashetextedbackandforthwithhisfiancee, tryingtofigureoutthedifferencebetweenlightanddarkbrownsugar. 178 Kaiwasslinkingalongtheaisle,figuringhe’dsnagafewoftheotherlistitems whileDavidwaitedforaresponseonthesugar.Hespottedoneoftheitemsonthelist— cornbreadmix—butitwasonthetopshelf,andevenwithhislongarms,hecouldn’t quitereach.HeknewheshouldwaitforDavid,butwasstillstretchingoutofsheer stubbornnesswhenahandwentoverhisandsnaggedabox. “Gotit.Hereyougo.” Kaisaidareflexive“Thanks,”eventhoughhewasalittleirritated.Ashe acceptedthebox,hisstomachdropped,nauseaswelled,andhebrokeoutintoacold sweat.“Nikki.” Shesmiled,tossedherhair,whichwaslonger,superstraightbutcutjaggedly, anddyedpalepinkwithasinglestripeofblackononeside.Verypunk,anddisturbingly sexydespiteheroutfit:khakiswithabluepolo,andanametag.Whichmeantshe workedhere.Shit. Kaiwasdesperatelytryingtobreatheandnotletthisturnintoafull-blown panicattack,butitalsomeantfindingEnglishwordswasimpossible. “Ihadplannedtostayawaylonger,butIwasableto...workthingsout,”she saidvaguely.“Ilikethistown.And...”Shebrushedherbangsoffherfaceandlookedat himseductively,lickingherlips.Kaiwonderediftheystilltastedlikestrawberries.Ifher hairstillsmelledliketropicalfruit.“Imissedyou.” Kai’sfacehardenedwhileanotherpartofhimdid,too.Hehopedhisanger wouldchangethat,quick.“Don’t.” Nikkiopenedhermouthasiftosaysomethingelse,whenDavidstrolledback over,ignoringNikkiforthetimebeing,andsigningtoKai,“Megansaysweneedto hurryup.”ThenheseemedtorealizeNikkiwasn’tjustanemployeehelpingKaireach thetopshelf,anddippedhiseyebrows,glancingoverather. Kaigroanedoutasigh,speakingandsigningforbothNikkiandDavid’s benefit.“Nikki,thisismyfriendDavid.David,thisisNikki.She’s...”Kaistruggledfor awaytodescribewhattheyweretoeachother.Ex-lovers?Formerfuckbuddies?She lovedmebutIdidn’treciprocatesosheleft? “Wefucked,”Nikkisaidwithabrilliantsmile,offeringDavidherhand. Davidreadherlips,thenlookedatKai,signing“fuck”withraisedbrowsto confirmhe’dreadhercorrectly.Heusedasexualsign,onethatimpliedamanpounding intoawoman,twohandsslammedagainsteachother,pinkiesandindexfingers extended,bentinteriorfingershittingeachotherrepeatedly. Kaiblushedafierce,hotred,partiallyfromembarrassment,butmostlyfrom anger. ItwasanswerenoughforDavid,wholaughedloudly.“Nicetomeetyou.”Kai initiallyrefusedtointerpret,pissed,butafteraprodfromDavid,did. Nikkimimickedthesigns,echoingDavid,“Nicetomeetyou.” Daviddecideditwastimeforhimtogo,sohepointedtotheshoppinglist,then outtowardthestore,thensaid,“Meetyouhereintenminutes?” Kaimanagedanod.WithoutwaitingforDavid’sfootstepstorecede,Kaifolded hisarmstightlyonhischestandgaveNikkihismostsearingglare.“Whatthefuck, Nikki?” Nikkisighed,butthenregainedcontrol.“Yourfriend’shot.He’sreallydeaf?” “No,hejustlikestotalkwithhishands,”Kairepliedsarcastically.“Andhe’s engaged.” Nikkipouted,nodded.“Whataboutyou?Youlookgreat.” 179 Kailetoutaharshsound.Evenafterashaveandshower,heknewhelooked likeshitwarmedover. “Didthingsworkoutwithyouand...thatothergirl?” “Whatthefuckbusinessisitofyours?” Foramillisecond,Nikkilookedhurt,butsherecoveredquickly.“Iknowyou can’tunderstand,butIdidwhatIthoughtwasbest.” Kaisighed,puthishandsonhisrims,readytobackaway,butNikkistepped forward,placingherhandshighuponhisthighs,leaneddownasiftokisshim.“Don’t,” Kaisaid,buthisvoicewasweak. Soclose,hecouldsmellher—thefruityshampoo,ahintofcigarettesmoke,and therawfemalesexsmellthatalwayshoveredaroundherandmadehisdickpainfully hardagainsthiswill.Hislittlebrainwasscreamingathimtoacceptthekiss,andhe almostdid,tastingherbreath,coffeeandnicotineandbubblegum.Heknewthatifhe asked,she’dpullhimintothebreakroomoreventhebathroomandgethimoffintwo minutes.Hisballsdrewupinanticipation.Helickedhislipsunconsciously,andshewas soclosehistonguejustbarelygrazedherlips,makingashudderrushuphisspine. Fortunately,hisbigbrainkickedin,snappingKaibacktohissenses.He pressedhishandagainstherjustenoughtopushheraway.Themomentumsenthim rollingbackwardaninchortwo,helpingtoincreasethedistancebetweenthem. “Kai—” “Don’t,”Kaisaid,moregritinhisvoice.“Don’t.I’mwithReneenow.Andeven ifIwasn’t,youdon’tgettojustleavemelikethat,thenshowbackupandexpectusto pickupwhereweleftoff.Youknowwhousedtojerkmearoundlikethat?” Nikki’sfriendlinessevaporated,andnowshejustlookedguilty.Sheswallowed, butsaidnothing. “Becca,”Kaisaid,acidinhisvoice,eventhoughheknewNikkihadnodoubts aboutwhohewastalkingabout. BeforeNikkicouldsayanythingelse,Kaibarreledawayfromher,pumpinghis armsfuriously,navigatingaroundcartsandpeople,makingabeelinefortherestroom sohecouldthrowupthemeaslybreakfasthe’dforcedhimselftoeatonlyacouplehours earlier. “Yousureyou’reOK?”Davidasked,crouchingbesideKaijustoutsidetherestrooms.He mighthavebeenintense,buthewasneverpushy,notwithKai,soKaiknewhewas genuinelyworried.“It’scoolifyouwanttojustblowofftoday.Igetit.Iknowit’shard foryoutobearoundfoodwhenyourstomach’sbeingshit.” Kaismiledfaintly,gratefulforDavidagain,evenifNikkihadsenthimbackoff kilter.“Itooksomemedicine.Ithelpswiththenausea.”Andformyanxiety,too,Kai thought,sincehe’dalsopoppedahydroxyzine.Honestly,hedidn’twanttohavetodeal withpeopletoday,butthatseemedalotbetterthantheprospectofbeingaloneinthat emptyapartment. Davidfrowned,asifhedidn’tquitebelieveKaiwasfine,butheleftitatthat. “CanIdriveyourcar?MaybeIshould?” Kaisighed,noddedreluctantly. DavidsqueezedKai’sshoulder,checkingKai’sfaceonemoretimebefore standingupagain.“Youreallytappedthat?”Davidasked,usingaparticularlyludesign, similartowhathe'ddonebefore,addingacheckmarkintheairandthesign“FINISH,” whileblowingonhisfingerstoemphasizethatKaihadusedherandleftherinthedust. 180 Kairolledhiseyes.“Thanksforhavingsomuchfaithinme.” Davidlaughed.“Justsaying,you’vechangedalot.TheKaiIusedtoknow wouldneverhaveeventriedtohookupwithagirllikethat.” Kaishrugged,butthenherealizedifhedidn’tsaysomething,Davidwould keepbringingitup,andhedidn’twanttotalkoreventhinkaboutNikkianymoretoday. “Look,thedealwas,shewasjustafucktogetovermyex,aftermytransplant.Then thingsgotcomplicated.Sheleftmeonenight,completelyoutoftheblue,whileIwasin thehospital.LeftmeanotesayingshelovedmebutIdeservedbetter,likeIcan’t fuckingdecideformyself.”Kaiwastryingtomaintaincontrol,andtheyweretucked intoanookoutofmainlineofsight,buthefelthimselfstartingtoloseit.“Fuck,”hesaid outloud,barelyresistingtheurgetoshovetheheelsofhishandsintohiseyes.He’d washedthem,buthereallydidn’twanttogetsomefunkyeyeinfection.“Fuck.” DavidgavehimamomentbeforenudgingKai’swheelwithhisfoottogethim tolookupagain.“God,I’msorry.I’manasshole.” Kaishrugged,struggledtotakeafewbreaths.Hewasnotgoingtobreakdown inWalmart,infrontofDavid,overNikki.Kaiwasgrittinghisteethsohardhisjawhurt, andhiseyeswerestartingtoblur,soheshutthemfirmly.HefeltDavidwrappinghis armsaroundhim,squeezinghimtight.David’ssupportiveembracetightenedwhenKai didfinallyloseitandstartedtosob,powerful,reflexivejerksofhischestlikehisbody wastryingtoforciblyexpelthepainandself-loathing,hismindfilledwithnegative thoughtsofBeccaandNikki,Jon,andevenRenee.NotlettinggountilKaigothimself undercontrolagain. Davidpulledback,hishandsonKai’sshoulders,staringathimintently.His eyessaiditwasOK,andheunderstood,andlifefuckingsuckssometimes,buthewas theretohelpKaiifhewantedit. “Getaroomfags,”acoupleguyssneeredastheycameoutoftherestroom. DavidmusthaveseenachangeinKai’sface,becauseheturnedandrosetohisfeet,his eyesnarrowing. Thetwoguystossedafewmoreepithets,buttheirdeterminationclearly waveredonceDavidfacedthemfullon.Davidwasn’tthebiggestman,buthewasbroadshoulderedandmuscled,plusgreatatbeingintimidating.Especiallywhenhewasreally mad,andhedidthishissing,growlingthing,histeethbaredlikeacorneredanimal readytostrike. Whenthetwoguyscontinuedtheirharassment,likeacoupleofyippydogstoo stupidtobackdown,Davidyelledatthem,acoupleofharsh,inarticulatesoundsthat freakedthefuckoutofthetwopunks,sendingthemscattering,muttering“freak”and “fag”afewmoretimesastheyleft. Kaiwassurprisedhowmuchthatmadehimfeelbetter—notthathegaveashit aboutthosekids,orwhattheysaid—he’dbeencalledfarworsebefore,afterall—andnot likehecouldn’thavehandledthingshimself,butbecauseitremindedhimofwhen Davidandhewerekids,howDavidreallywasalwaysthereforhim,alwaysstickingup forhimwhenheneededit.Infact,Kaihadlearnedhownottotakeshitfrompeople partiallyfromDavid’sexample. “Ihavenoideawhattheyweresaying,butIcouldtellitwasn’tgood.You feelingbetter?” Kaismiled,tookadeepbreath,andrealizedthat,yeah,hedid.Henodded. “Good.BecauseMeganwillservemefordinnerifwedon’tgetbacksoon.”He leanedforward,pattedKai’scheekandflashedagrin,asifnothinghadhappened,asif 181 Kaihadn’ttotallylostitonlyafewminutesearlier.ThatwasthegreatthingaboutDavid, andwhyhe’dbeensuchagoodfriendtoKaiallthoseyearsgrowingup.WhenKai neededhim,hewasthere,alwaysunobtrusively,andnomatterwhat,heneverrubbed anythinginKai’sface. Itwasstillrelativelyearly;thankGodmostofRenee’srelativesweren’treallymorning people,andReneehadofferedtodosomefinalprepworkwhilehergrandmother showered.Shewasenjoyingtherelativepeaceandquietofthekitchen,thesun streaminginthroughtheshutters.Thishouse,evenmorethantheoneshegrewupin withherparentsandbrothers,hadalwaysseemedmorelikehomesomehow.Shewasn’t surehowKaiwouldmanageit,butshewasalreadythinkingahead,lookingforwardto introducinghimtohergrandparentsandthishouse,andtothecityshelovedsomuch. He’dbeeninagrumpymoodwhenshe’dcalledthatmorning,barelydisguisingiteven attheend,butshe’dfounditendearingandamusing.Despitehishealthissues,Kaidid hisbesttoconveyanessenceof“perfection,”asifnothingupsethimorbotheredhim, eventhoughsheknewthatwasfarfromthetruth.Hearinghimadmitthatheactually wasn’tafanofrisingearly—despiteeverythingshe’dpreviouslyseentothecontrary— wasrefreshing.Asshechoppedvegetablesinthebright,comfortablewarmthofher grandmother’skitchen,shecouldn’thelpimagesofKaipoppingintoherhead.Shesaw him,sprawledonhissideinbed,hislegstangledinthesheets,hishairdelightfully mussed,lookingsexyandsleepy,andmaybeevengruntingandtryingtopullthepillow overhisheadwhensheattemptedtowakehim. She’dbeencontinuallyshockedthatshedidn’tregretthesex,eventhemore risquémorningsexinthekitchen,andeachnighthadsurprisedherselfbyhowmuch shemissedhimbesideherinbed.Onlyonenighttogether,hislarge,longformtaking upmostofthemattress,thesubtlesnoreofhisbreath,hisarmcasuallydrapedaround her,protectiveyetnotpossessive,andshealreadywantedthateverynight.Shewanted everymorningtoopenhereyestohis. Shesighedsoftlyandforcedherselfbacktowork.Shewascapableoftwo thingsinthekitchen:choppingvegetablesandhandingovertoolsorspices,andshe wasn’tgoingtoletherlovesickdaydreamingruinthat.Thekitchendooropened,and sheassumed,initially,withoutlookingup,ithadtobehergrandmother,orperhapsher grandfather,searchingformorecoffee.Butsomethingintheairchanged:aheaviness thatsuckedthelightoutoftheroom.Itwasprobablythesungoingbehindacloud,but itmadeherlookup. “JP.” Herolderbrother,attwenty-five,was,byallaccounts,averyhandsome, masculineman.Tallfortheirfamily(andNewOrleans)atjustacoupleinchesundersix feet,broadshoulderedandmuscular,withthesamedarkhairasReneeandLuc,onlyit hadasubtlewavetoitratherthanspringingupintightcurls.Hehaditcutshort,but longenoughtopartandbrushtooneside,framinghisfaceanddrawingattentiontohis darkhazeleyes,whichweremorebrownthangreen,unlikethoseofhisyounger siblings.Theyseemedhard,menacing,andcalculating,enoughtosendashiverupyour spine,butperhapsthatwassimplyReneeseeinginhisfacewhatsheknewwasinhis heart.Liketheirfather,JPwascold,ruthless,andmanipulative,whilestilleasily slippingintoanaffable,disarmingpersonawhennecessary.Itmadehimanexcellent businessman,butnotsomeoneyoureallywantedtosharearoomwith. “Morning.IseetheGreatWhiteNorthhassuckedoutallyourmanners,”he 182 saidcoolly,pluckingapastryfromoneofthetrayslaidoutonthefarendoftheisland. “Mannersareforpeopleyourespect,”Reneeresponded,iceinherownvoice, focusingonhertasktoavoidhisscrutinizingstare.ShetriednottothinkaboutwhatJP wasdoingoverattheirgrandparents’housesoearly,suspectinghehadcomespecifically toharassher. JPletoutasoundthatwasn’tquiteascoffashedrewcloser,practicallyinher personalspace,leaningonthecounterandcrossinghisarmsonhischest,accustomed tousinghissizetointimidateothers. “Myboyfriendisbiggerthanyou,”Reneesaidwithoutlookingathim,dumping somedicedceleryintoabowlandmovingontothenextbunch.“Soyoucanstop.” NowJPlaughed.“Iheardyouwereseeingsomeoneupthere.Doesheridea horsetoschool?” ReneelookedupatJPonlysohecouldseeherrollhereyesbeforereturningto herwork.Shedidwonderhowhe’dheardaboutKai.Itwasn’tlikehewasasecret,but ReneewasreallyonlyclosewithhermawmawandLuc,andshedoubtedeitheroneof themwouldhavetoldJPmuchofanything.“Noteveryoneisahick,youknow.” “Well,younevertalktome,”JPsaid,snatchingoneofthecarrotsshehadyet tosliceandtakingabig,obnoxiouscrunchingbiteoutofit,rightnearherface,grinning insatisfaction.“WhenIthinkofIowa,Ithinkofcornandscarecrowsandguysfucking sheep.” “Ireallydon’tneedtohearaboutyoursexualfantasies,”Reneesaid,crossingto thesinktorinsesomemorecelery,eventhoughshehadalreadywashedeverything,just togiveherselfsomespace. “Ijustwanttomakesureyou’renotdatingsomeloser,”JPsaid,ignoringher comment. Reneelaughed,asharp,bittersound,purposefullyshakingofftheexcesswater soJPwouldgetwet.“You’rehilarious.” ThismadeJPscowlandtightenhisgriponhisarms.“Whatthefuckisthat supposedtomean?” Reneemethiseyesinachallenge,butsaidnothing. “Idon’tknowwhatthehellhappenedbetweenyouandJude.Hewon’ttellme. Butyoushouldreallygrowupalready.He’sagoodguy,andhe’sstillcrazyaboutyou. Maybewhenyou’redoneplayingfarmwithyourlittlecowboyyou’llcometoyour senses.” Reneestiffened,grippingtheknifesotightlyherknucklesturnedwhite.“Ihave aknife,JP.Don’tmakemeuseit.” JPletoutasigh,butshenoticedhedidshifttotheoppositecounter,putting somedistancebetweenthem.Heleanedcasuallyenoughagainstit,butReneecountedit asasmallvictoryandwilledherselfnottosmile.“You’realwayssomelodramatic.Jude’s notevenintown.Hewentwithhisparentsandcurrentgirlfriendonsomecruise,”JP explained,wavinghishandasiftosignalhowunimportantthedetailswere. Reneewasgratefulfortheopportunitytoregainhercomposure,focusingon herchopping,takingoutherfrustrationsonthecelery.“IfJudelovesmesomuch,”she said,hervoicedrippingwithscorn,“whyisheoutgallivantingonacruisewithsome bimbo?” JPfrowned,butsaidnothing,asifwhatReneesaiddidn’tmeritaresponse. Instead,hetookanothersharpbiteofthecarrotandleftwithoutanotherword. Reneeletoutalongsighofrelief,gratefulforthepeaceandquiet,theonly 183 soundsthechop,chop,chopasshecontinuedherprepandthebirdsongoutsidethe window.Thesilencewassoonfractured,though,withtheraisedmalevoicesofher brothersexchangingincreasinglycreativeinsultsateachother.Well,mostofthetrue creativitywasonLuc’spart,notsurprisingly. “Getbacktomewhenyoucancomeupwithsomethingthat’snotatrite epithet,”Lucspatjustoutsidethedoorway.JPoftenaccusedLucofbeingstupid,ofonly knowinghowtodoafewscribblesonpaperortosspaintonacanvas,andLucneverlost theopportunitytoshowoffhisimpressivevocabulary.“Asshole,”Lucsaidashewalked throughintothekitchen,andReneewasn’tentirelysureifitwasafinalpointtohislast jabattheirbrother,orifitweredirectedtowardReneeaboutJP. Reneejustshookherheadandsmiledasshecontinuedtochop. Lucsunkintooneofthebarstoolsandleanedonthecounter,supportinghis headonhishand,watchingher.“Wow,you’rearmedandJPisn’tbleeding.You’rea betterpersonthanIam.” Reneestuckouthertongue.“Don’tmakemehurtyouinstead,Lulu.” Lucgroaned.“YouknowIhatethatnickname,”hewhined,hisvoicecracking. Luc’svoicehadchangedalmostentirely,butoccasionally,inmomentslikethis,it’d break,becominghigherpitched.Hehatedit,especiallywhenhewastryingtomakea pointaboutnotbeingachildanymore,likenow. “Hey,LittleLuluwasawesome.”Reneescoopedherlatestchoppingsintoa bowlandburstoutintothecartoontheme,“‘Theclocksaysseventhirty;it’sreallyafter ten.LookslikeLulu’sbeenrepairingitagain.’” Luctrieddesperatelynottogetsuckedin,butasReneestartedinonthe chorus,hecouldn’tresist,burstingintoasmileandsingingalong,“‘LittleLulu,Ilove you-lujustthesame,thesame.LittleLulu,Iloveyou-lujustthesame.’” LucandReneelaughedtogetherforamoment,buthissmilefaded.“Youknow Luluwasagirl,right?” “Yeah,butshewasabadass,andshehadhairlikeus,too.” ReneenoticedLuc’seyeslookedhauntedforamomentbeforeheflasheda painedsmileandhoppedoffthestool,huggingherfrombehind,restinghischinonher head. “Imissyou,sis.IloveNOCCA,butI’msoreadytogetoutofhere.”Hesighed heavily. Reneedroppedtheknifeandturned,kissinghimonthecheek.“Iowaisa millionmilesfromhere,butyouknowyoucanalwayscallmeifyouneedtotalk,right? Aboutanything.”Sheputextraemphasisonthatlastword,raisingherbrows. “Anything.”Shetriedtocorralsomeofhisbangs,onlytohavethecurlsspringoutand fallbackinplaceagain. Lucsmiled.“Seriously,though.CallmeLuluagainandImighthavetopickJP asmyfavoritesibling.” Reneelaughed,winked.“Yeah,nowayyouhatethatnicknamethatmuch.” Jonwassittinginhiscar,parkedinthestreetnotfarfromVicky’sparents’house,trying togethimselfundercontrol.Vickysqueezedhishandencouragingly.“Itwon’tbethat bad.Ipromise.” Jonlaughednervously,pushedhishandthroughhishair,whichdidn’tworkso wellwhenhewaswearinggloves.Apparently,thatmadethestrandsstandupcrazily, becausesoonVickywaslaughing,abarehandreachingintohishairtosmoothitback 184 down. “Ifthingsgettobetoomuch,noonebutmeknowsyou’renotstilloncall.You canalwaysduckoutandusethehospitalasanexcuse.”Sheflashedhimasmile,leaned forwardtosnatchaquickpeck. Jonnodded,butsecretly,hewishedhe’dsnaggedsomeofKai’sanxietymeds onhiswayout.Itdidn’thelpthathehadthatlingeringpitinhisstomachaboutKai.Yes, hewasstillmadathisbrother,butevenafterthesexthatmorning,Jonhadn’tmanaged morethanacouplehoursbeforethedreamswokehimagain. Vickyfrownedathim.“Ifyoudon’twanttodothis—” “No,no,”Jonsaid,shuttingoffthecarasiftoprovehispoint.“I’mjustall fuckedupwithwhathappenedonTuesday,Ihaven’tsleptforshit,andhonestly,I’m freakingthefuckoutalittleaboutmeetingyourentireextendedfamilyallatonce.” Vickysmirked.“Eh,it’slikejumpingintothecoldwater.Gettheshockover withquick,right?”Vickypushedherdooropenandclimbedout,soJondidthesame. “Besides?What’stheworstthatcouldhappen?Eveniftheydon’tlikeyou,thatwon’t changehowIfeelaboutyou,orwhatwehavetogether,”Vickyadded,layingahandon herstomach. Jonsmiledfaintly,buthewasn’tconvinced.Hedidn’tknowmuchabout family,buthefoundithardtobelievethatthingsbetweenhimandVickycouldreally workifhersdecidedtheydidn’tlikehim.Hesnaggedhisbagfromtheback,withhis insulin,syringes,andtestingsupplies,andlockedthecar,joiningVickyontheroad, sinceitwassaltedandcleared,unlikethesidewalks,whichlookedprettyprecarious. Jonidlyobservedthehousesinthisneighborhood,thoughnotbrandnew, wereenormous,almostpalatial.Vicky’sfamilyobviouslyhadmoney.Perhapsnotthe samekindofmoneyasJon’sadoptedfather,butitstillsurprisedhim.Vickylived modestly,andthoughsheownedherowndecentlysizedhome,Jonhadn’tthought muchofit,sinceshewasolderthanhim,hadawell-payingjob,andhadpresumably beensinglealongtime. Vickylinkedherarminhis.“Justdon’tmentionthepregnancy,OK?My family’sprettyCatholic.”Shelaughed.“Well,that’sanunderstatement.It’sbetterthey don’tknow.” “Yeah,”Jonsaidastheywalkeduptothefrontdoor.“Ireallywanttostart talkingaboutoursexlifetoyour—” Thefrontdooropenedbeforethey’devengottenhalfwaytoit,awomaninher early40swhohadVicky’sface,butwasshorter,plumper,withtotallydifferenthair, camedashingout.“Vic!”Thewomansquealed.“Oh.My.God.Whydidn’tyoutellme yourmanwassohandsome?” “Uh...”Jonfelthimselfblushingfiercelyandhopedthatitwascoldenough hischeekswerealreadyflushed. “Jesus,Viv.Can’tweatleastgetinside?It’sfreezingouthere!” “Zerodegrees,withthewindchill,”Vivianreported,takingJon’shandand leadinghiminlikealostchild,babblingtheentiretimeandmakingJonlookoverhis shoulderpleadinglytoVicky. “I’mVivian,Vicky’soldestsister,incaseit’snotalreadyobvious!”shesaidas shepulledJonaway.Henoticedimmediatelyshespokeinaveryanimatedway,likeshe mighthavebeenacheerleaderatonetimeandhadneverreallygrownoutofthe exuberance.“Wow,youhaveamazingeyes!Aretheyblue?Orgray?”Shestoodupontip toes,leaningwayintoJon’spersonalspace,asiftryingtogetabetterlook,andJontook 185 areflexivestepback.Shelaughed.“Here,letmetakeyourcoat,”shesaidasshe practicallyforciblystrippedJon’slongwoolcoatoff,tanglingthestrapofhisbaginthe arms. ViviancontinuedtobabbleasVickyjoinedthem,removingherowncoatand hangingitupononeofseveralstandaloneracksapparentlybroughtoutforthesole purposeofgivingherenormousextendedfamilyaplacetohangtheirouterwear.Jon noticedtherackswerealreadyprettyfull,whichmeantmostofVicky’srelativeshad alreadyarrived. WhenViviancontinuedtoinsistontakingJon’sbag,Vickyfinallysteppedin, whisperedsomethinginhersister’searbeforeguidingJontowardthekitchen. “Vic,Idon’tknowifIcandothis,”Jonsaidsincerely.Socialsituationshad neverbeenhisforte,andhewasalreadyfeelingoverwhelmed. “It’sallright.Vivisjustalittle...vivacious,”Vickysaidwithalaughatthe subtlepun. Thekitchenwasenormous,practicallycommercialsized,andbustlingwith women,allatvariousstagesoffoodpreparation.Moresisters,somecousins,aunts, grandmothers,wives,andVicky’smom,thoughJoncouldn’ttellwhowaswho. “Hey,everyone,”Vickysaidinaloudvoice,makingthechattertemporarily stopandeveryonelookup.“ThisisJon.Myboyfriend.”ThenVickystartedpointingto eachwomaninthegroup,makingintroductions,thoughJonquicklylosttrackofnames. Finally,amiddle-agedwomansteppedforward,andJonknewimmediatelythiswas Vicky’smother.“Ma,thisisJon.Jon,mymother,Margaret.” SheeyedJonupanddown,thensteppedcloserandputherhandsonhim, squeezinghisshoulder,tappinghischeek,almostasifhewereapieceoflivestockshe wasexaminingforsignsofweaknessbeforeapurchase.Jondidhisbesttonotstepback orjerkawayandhopefullynotlookasterrifiedandmortifiedashefelt. “So,”Margaretsaidaftersheseemedsatisfiedenough.“You’reCatholic?” “Technically.” Margaretfrowned.“You’vebeenconfirmed?” Jonnoticedthewomeninthekitchenhadallgonebacktotheirwork,yetwere stillwatchingtheexchangesurreptitiously. “Yes.”Jonhadcompletedhisconfirmationonlyafewmonthsbeforehis parentswerekilled.Neitherofthemhadbeenincrediblyreligious,butthey’dinsisted Jongothroughallthesacraments.Sometimes,whenhismomwasinoneofhermanias, she’dgotochurcheveryday,fillthehousewithvotivecandles,saytherosaryoverand overlikeaderangednun.Once,beforeSarawasborn,she’dadmittedthereligious fanaticismwasawaytocleansehersinssoGodwouldcureKai.ItsurprisedJonhow muchthatoldmemorystillhurt. MargaretwaslookingatJonexpectantly. “St.AnthonyofPadua,”heresponded,assumingshe’dwantedtoknowwhich patronsainthe’dchosenforhimself. Margaretseemedtoconsiderthis,frowning,beforesheasked,“Youdon’tgoto mass?” JonlookedatVickyforhelp,wonderinghowhonestheshouldbe,butshejust shrugged.Thetruthwas,JonhadgonetothemainCatholicchurchintown—which happenedtobearhissaint’sname(thoughthatwasn’tthechurchhismotherhad attended),andwhomsomeofthelessreligiouslocalsreferredtoasthe“StarWars Church”(anawfulpunon“Padua/Padawan”)—afewtimesduringKai’sfinalyearpre186 transplant.He’dbeendesperateenoughtohopelightingsomecandlesandprayingtoa Godhewasn’tsurehebelievedinwouldbeenoughtosaveKai.PerhapsthefactthatKai hadlivedshouldhaveturnedJonintoabeliever,butthesadtruthwasthechurch remindedhimofKai’sworstdays,andhecouldn’tstandtogoback. Finally,hetookinabreath,letitoutslowly.“No,ma’am.Myschedulekeeps meprettybusy.” Margaretseemedtoconsiderthis.“You’readoctor?” Heswallowed.“Yes,ma’am.I’mapulmonologist.Mostlyinpatient,butVicky andIworktogetherintheoutpatientclinic.” “Andwhatdoesyourfatherdo?” JondartedhiseyesatVicky,whowasglaringdaggersathermother,butsaying nothing. “MyparentspassedawaywhenIwasfourteen.” Margaret’sexpressiondidn’tchange.“Sowhoraisedyou?” Jonswallowedagain.Hadn’tVickytoldhermotheranythingabouthim?“I spentsometimeinfostercare,thenIwasadopted.Myadoptivefatherpaidformetogo toschool.” “Soyoudon’thaveanyfamily?” “Ihaveayoungerbrother.”Jonfelthimselfsweating.Eventhoughthetopof Margaret’sheadcameuponlytohischin,shewasincrediblyintimidating.Jonbeganto seewhereVickygotsomeofherassertiveness,butawarningabouttheinterrogation would’vebeennice. Margaretlookedaround,asifwonderingwhereKaiwas,asifheshouldhave appearedsuddenly. JonglancedatVicky,thenclearedhisthroat.“IsitallrightifIputmyinsulin inthefridge?” Margaretdidn’timmediatelyrespond,stillstaringhimdown.Vickyhadtold hermomabouthisdiabetes,atleast,right?Shit.Wasshegoingtobeoffendedifhe didn’tgobbleuppotatoesandbreadandpie? “Imean,ifit’saproblem—” Margaretledhimtothefridge,openingit,peeringinsideforamoment.“How muchspacedoyouneed?” “Uh,notmuch.Justenoughforonevial.”Jonfishedthevialoutofhisbagand showedittoher. “Glass?” Jon’seyebrowsknit,buthefinallynodded.“Yes?” Margarettookitfromhim,examiningitforamoment,whethertoproveitwas whatJonsaiditwas,merelyoutofcuriosity,orwhat,hewasn’tsure.Thensheshuffled afewthingsinoneofthedoorsandshoveditinwhereitwouldn’tbeatriskforfalling. Shepointed,lookingathim,tomakeitclearwhereitwas,thenshutthedoor. “Thankyou.”Jontriednottosoundlikeaballoondeflatingwhenheletouta sighofrelief. “Istheresomewherewecankeephisbag?Somewherethekidscan’tgettoit? Hehassyringesinthere,andhistestingkit,”Vickysaid,jumpingin.Finally. Margaretnodded,nudgedherheadtowardthetopofthefridge,andVickytook thecue,takingJon’sbagandputtingitinthecabinetabovetheappliance. Jonwashopingtheinterviewwasover,butMargaretlookedhimoveragain. “Dinnerwon’tbereadyforanothertwo,threehours.Butifyouneedtoeat 187 beforethen,justletmeknowandI’llroundsomethingupforyou.Youwon’toffendme.” Jonwasshockedenoughheblinked,lookedatVickybeforeregaininghis composure.“Thankyou,ma’am.I’mgoodrightnow,butImightneedalittlesomething later.” Margaretsmiledforthefirsttimeandpattedhisshoulder.“Welcometoour home.Gomeettherestofthefamily.Ihaveworktodo.” Onceoutofthekitchen,Jonfeltlikehe’dsurfacedafterbeingunderwaterfor fiveminutes,takinginahuge,deepbreath.“Fuck,Vicky,”hewhispered. Vickysmoothedhisback.“Sorry.Iprobablyshouldhavewarnedyoumymom canbeabit...intense.” “Noshit.” “Wereyoureallyconfirmed?‘CauseKaialwaysstruckmeasthebullshitterin thefamily.”Vickyloweredhervoicewhensheswore,asifhermotherwouldsomehow beabletohear,despitethedistance,backgroundcommotion,andthefactthatshewas alreadywhispering. Jonnodded.Thoughtforamoment,thenadmitted,“Mymomwasoff-and-on fanaticallyCatholic,dependingonhowshewascycling—” “Youdiditforher?” JonhadopenedhismouthtosaysomethingwhenViviancamemarchingin withsixotherpeople.Jon’sstomachfell.Themenandwomenlookedtoomuchalikefor themtobeanythingotherthantherestofVicky’ssiblings. Amusingly,theyalllinedupinarow,likesomethingoutofTheSoundof Music,anditbecameobviousprettyquicklythatVivianwastheleader.Especiallywhen shetriedtonudgeVickyintoplacewiththeothers. “I’mprettysureJonknowsmealready,”Vickysmirked. Vivianrolledhereyes,annoyed,andtookherownplaceatJon’sfarleft. Presumably,theywerearrangedinbirthorder,withVivianatoneendandtwo identical-lookingguysacoupleyearsolderthanKaiattheother. Onebyone,eachsiblingsteppedforward,introducingthemselves,statingtheir name,whattheydid,theirspouse’sname,andanypertinentinformationtheydeemed worthy.TherewasnowayJonwasgoingtorememberwhowaswho,sincealleight siblingswereapparently“V”names:Vivian,Valerie,Vincent,Vaughn,Veronica,and VerneandVance—theyoungest,identicaltwins—plusVicky,ofcourse.Jonwasn’tsure whereVickyfitinamongthegroup,buthefigureditwassomewherebetweenValerie andVeronica.Jonnoticedallsevensiblings—eventhetwins,whowereonly26,they’d revealed—weremarriedwithchildren.MeaningVickywastheonesolewolfinthepack. Ofthegroup,JonlikedVeronicathebest—theyoungestdaughter,lookinglike shewasabouthisage,plusorminusayearortwo,withhairjustlikeVicky’s,thoughshe keptitshort.Thetwinsalsoseemedprettymischievous,andtheirplayful,joking personalitiesremindedhimofKai,whenKaiwasn’thidingbehindhisthickprotective barriers.WallsthatkeptevenJonout,herememberedbitterly,forcinghisemotionsnot toshowonhisface. Jonshookhandswitheveryone,laughedatafewjokes—mostlyathisexpense, primarilyabouthisweight,especiallysinceexceptforVicky,Veronica,andthetwins, theywereallalittleportly. Finally,thesiblingsdispersed,andJoncouldn’thelplayingaheadonVicky’s shoulder.“Didyourparentsnameallofyou‘V’namesjusttomesswithpoorhapless futurespouses?” 188 Vickylaughed.“Savesatonofmoneyonmonogramming,right?” Theyhardlyenjoyedtheirmomenttogetherwhen...anaunt?maybe?of Vicky’semergedfromthekitchen,lookingabitharried.“Yourmotherneedsyou.” Vickysighed,lookedatJonapologetically.“I’llberightback.”Shekissedhis cheek,andhadhardlypulledawaywhenVeronicaslippedherarmintohis. Veronicagrinned.“I’llwatchhimforyou.” Vickysighedagain,abitmoreexasperated.“Behave,”shecautionedhersister beforedashingoffbackintothekitchen. “Valerie,right?”Jontried.Hehonestlycouldn’thaverememberedallseven siblingsnames,letalonewhichbelongedtowhom,ifhislifedependedonit. Veronicalaughed.“Veronica.Butit’sOK.Evenourmomnevergetsusall right.”Shesmiledbigger,toreassureJonitreallydidn’tbotherher.“Maybeit’llhelpif youcallmeRoni.” “Roni?” “Like‘Toni,’butwithan‘R.’It’sagoodwaytostandoutamongaseaof‘V’s,’” sheexplained.“ButifyoumakeaRice-a-ronijoke,Imighthavetohurtyou.”Roni wasn’tastallasVicky,whowasseveralinchesshorterthanJon,buthebelievedher. “PromisetonevercallmeJonathan,andwe’regolden.”Joncouldtolerate beingcalledalmostanythingthatwasn’thisname,but“Jonathan”alwaysirkedhim. There’dbeenaresidentinhismedicineprogramwhoneverceasedtodothat,nomatter howmanytimesJonexplainedthathisnamewas“Jon”;itwasn’tshortforanything. RoninoddedwithaslimsmileassheledJonthroughthefamilyroom.She didn’tstoptomakeformalintroductionstothegaggleofmengatheredaroundabigscreenTV,watchingfootball.Thoughitlookedmoreliketheywereyellingateachother thanreallywatchingthegame.Sheleanedintowhisper.“Thehusbands,ourfather, grandfathers,uncles,andafewcousins.”Nooneseemedtonoticethemasshedirected himtowardanotherroom.“Ah,hereweare,”shesaid,pushingadooropen. Alargeenclosedporch,completewithwhitewickerfurniture.Itwascold,the roomobviouslynotheated,butthenumerouslargewindowsmeantitwasn’t unpleasant.Aftertheloudstuffinessofthemainhouse—atleastthetworoomsJonhad seen—kitchenforthewomenandfamilyroomforthemen—thesunroomfelt delightfullypeaceful. AsifsensingJon’smood,Ronigrinned.“Exactly.Plus,it’sfarenoughfromthe playroomsthatyoucan’tevenheartherugratsrunningaroundupstairs.Iswear,these familythingsareworthit,ifonlybecausetheyoungercousinswatchthebratsandgive usmomsabreak.”SomethingchangedinhersmileasshepushedJonintooneofthe sofas.“You’llappreciatewhatImeansomeday.” Jonwatchedasshesanktoherkneesandpulledsomethingoutfrom underneathoneoftheothercouches.Itlookedlikeasmall,soft-walledcooler,whichshe unzippedonlypartially,removingabottleofbeer.Shewaveditathim. “Ishouldn’t.” Shelaughed.“Ifyouwanttogetthroughtherestoftoday,you’llneedone. Trustme.” Jonleanedforwardtoacceptit,thoughhedidn’topenit,debating.Ontheone hand,hewasbetweenmeals,soitwouldn’tspikehisbloodsugarasbadly,butonthe other,havingamostlyemptystomachmeanthe’dgetdrunkeasier.Herememberedthe lasttimehe’dgottendrunk,atVicky’sfriend’sparty.Whichhadledtosex,which,ifthe mathwasright,couldhavebeenthenighthegotVickypregnant. 189 RonilaughedatJon’scontemplativefrownasshestashedherprizeagainand joinedhimonthecouchwithherownbeer.Shedidn’tcommentonhisunopenedbrew, twistingthecapoffherownandtakingagratefulgulp.“Ourmomdoesn’treallyapprove ofwomendrinkingbeer,”sheexplained.“Plus,themeninthisfamilydrinkbeerlike mostpeoplebreatheair,andifIdidn’tstashsomeinhereinadvance,”sheadded, gesturingwiththeneckofthebottletowardherhidingspace,“I’dnevermakeitthrough thesethingswithmysanityintact.”Shetookasip,thenlaughed.“Probablynotwhatyou wanttohearrightnow.” ThatmadeJonrelax,though.Roniwaseasytotalkto,evenifhehadn’t actuallysaidmuch,remindinghimofheroldersister.ShelookedalotlikeVicky,too, onlyshewasclosertoJon’sage,probablysomewherebetween28and32,andherface wasmoreopen,lessseriousthanhersister’s.Maybealittleplainer;notthatshewasn’t beautiful—putherandVicky’spicturessidebysidewhentheywerethesameage,and youcouldeasilyhavemistakenonefortheother—butshelackedacertaindelicateness thatVickyhad.OrmaybeitwassimplythatJonlovedVicky.Heblinkedwhenhe realizedwhathe’djustthought,thensmiledasitdawnedonhimhowmuchhereally did. Roni,apparentlyjustasperceptiveasheroldersister,winked.“So.Youand Vicky,huh?” Jonnodded.Thoughtaboutopeningthebeeragain. “Howlonghaveyouguysofficiallybeen...”sheshrugged,wavingherbeer,as ifnotsurehowtofinishthesentence. “Onlyafewmonths,butwe’veknowneachotherforyears.” Ronitookalongslugofbeer.“Noshit.Iwaswonderingifyoutwowereever goingtogettogether.” Jonstaredather. Ronilaughed.Shelaughedfreely,easily,farmorethanVicky.“VicandIare close.Alwayshavebeen.Maybebecausewe’resixyearsapart,whichmeantwenever wenttothesameschoolsorweredatingthesameguysatthesametime,etc.,etc.”She shrugged.“Evenbefore...this,”shesaid,pointingtoJonandofftowardthehouse,asif tosuggestthetwoofthem,“Vickytalkedaboutyouallthetime.” ThisrevelationcaughtJonoffguard.NotthatitshouldbesurprisingthatVicky talkedtoatleastoneofherthreesistersaboutherlife,ofcourse.ButitstruckJonas surprisinghowmuchVickyhadapparentlybeenthinkingofhimevenbeforethey’d finallystartedseeingeachotherromantically. Ronilaughedagain.“Relax,Vic’snotnearlyasclosewiththerestofthesiblings assheiswithme.”Thenshefrowneddeeply,whichcontrastedsharplywithherlight, relaxedmoodthathadcoloredherfacepreviously,andtookalongpullofherbeer. “Someofthemhavebeenprettyshittoherovertheyears,actually,”sheremarked, almostasiftalkingtoherself. Jonsensedtherewasmoretothestory.MaybebecauseVickywasn’tmarried? ShehadsaidthatherfamilywasveryCatholic.Jonthoughtaboutasking,buthewasn’t reallysurehow.WasitwrongtogossipaboutVickybehindherback?WouldJonbemad ifVickyhadsatdownwithKaiatsomepointtopryoutthedetailsofhispast?Notthat KaicouldreallytellVickyanythingshedidn’talreadyknow. Ronishookherhead,plantedasmileonherface,asifrealizingshewaswading intosomethingsticky.“Youtwoareserious,though,right?” Jonnodded.Smiledsweetly.“Yeah.Yeah,weare.” 190 RonieyedJonwithasidewaysglance,asifdebatingwhethertosaysomething ornot.Finally,sheasked,“Howfaralong?” Jon’seyebrowsfurrowed,andhemayhaveletoutasoundlike,“Huh?” Ronistudiedhim,asiftryingtodecideifhewasfeigningconfusionornot. “Don’ttellmeshedraggedyouherewithouttellingyou.” Jonblinked.ThingshadbeengoingwellbetweenhimandRoni,evenifshehad beencontrollingtheconversation,butnowJonwaswellandtrulylost.Hewasn’tsureif washiscluelessnessaboutthesubtletiesofcommunicationthatwomenseemedtobe mastersof,orifitwasjusthissocialineptitude. Thankfully,Vickyappearedfromthedoorwayofftohisright,squeezinghis shoulderasshesunkintotheseatbesidehim.“Tellhimwhat?” ThesistersexchangedlooksthatJoncouldneverinterpret,andthetense silencebetweenthemstretched. Finally,Ronistoodupandsmirked.“I’mgonnagetanotherbeer.Youwant one,Vic?”sheasked,butshedrawledthequestion,raisinghereyebrows. “I’mgood,”Vickyrespondedtightly,andJonwishedthatsomeonewouldjust tellhimwhatthehellwasgoingon. Amomentlater,Ronireturnedwithhersecondbeer,butinsteadofretaking herseat,shesteppedforwardandcoppedafeelofoneofVicky’sbreasts,makingher yelp,andJonjumpinreflexivesurprise. “Whatthehell,Roni?!” “Youinyoursecondtrimesteryet?You’renotreallyshowing.Well,except...” Roninudgedherbeertowardhersister’schestbeforeopeningit,pleasedaspunchwith herself. Ohshit,Jonthought,andimmediatelylookedtoVicky,whowaspissed.He helduphishandsinsurrender,stillholdinghisunopenedbeer,hisfacedesperately tryingtoconvey,“Ididn’ttellher,Iswear!”Thebeersuddenlyseemedlikeagoodidea, soJontwisteditopenandtookalongpull.Itwasharshlybitteronhistongue,buthe swalloweditanyway. NowVickywasfrowning,andJonwasn’tlookingforwardtobeinglectured aboutdrinkingontopofthealreadytensesituation,butthenherealizedshewasn’tso muchmadasupset.Lookingatthebeeralmostlongingly.Shetookabreath,foundJon’s freehand,andsqueezedit.Inalowvoice,shesaid,“I’maboutnineweeks.”Jonrealized Vickylookedreadytocry,andhewasn’tsurehowtohandlethat,becausehecouldn’t remembereverseeingVickycry. “YouknowIwon’ttell,”Ronisaid,apparentlysensingthesamething.“Butit won’ttakelongforsomeoneelsetofigureitout,andthenthefamilygossiptrain...” Vickytookashudderingbreath,buthereyesweredry.“Iwashopingthey’d buymynotdrinkingasbeingonadiet.” ThatmadeRonilaugh.“Yeah,goodluckwiththat.” Jonlookedbetweenthetwosisters,confusedagain. “Vicky’salwayshadthegoodmetabolisminthefamily.Sheprobablywon’t evenbefatwhenshe’sinherlastmonth.” ThatmadeVickyfrown,butJoncouldfeelherrelaxingbesidehim,sohe wrappedhisarmaroundherandpulledhercloser.Hecouldsmellherhair,theperfume ofhershampoo,andhedidn’tresistkissingthetopofherhead.Hefelthersigh,softly, gratefully,andheknewhe’dmadetherightmove. Roniwassmilingsweetlyatthem.“Areyoutwogettingmarried?” 191 Andthetensionwasback,atleastinJon’sspine.“Uh...” “Roni,stop,”Vickysaid,butitwasn’therusualfirmtone.Shesoundedtired. “What?It’sanhonestquestion.Evenwithyourfigure,youcan’thideittoo muchlonger,andaweddingtakestimetoplan.Momisgoingtoflip.” “Thenletherflip,”Vickysaid,pullingawayfromJonandshiftingsoshecould seehersisterbetter.“IletherrulemylifewhenIwasyoung.ButI’mnotakidanymore, andIcanfuckwhoIwant,whenIwant,marriedornot.” Jonpushedbackagainstthecushionofthecouch,hopinghe’dsomehowfinally mastertheabilitytoslinkintothefurnitureanddisappear.Ofcourse,itdidn’thappen, andthetwosisterscontinuedtosquabbleasifheweren’tthere.AndthiswasVickywith thesistershegotalongwith? Suddenly,Vickyburstintosobs,anditcaughtJonbysuchsurpriseittookhim amomenttoreact,pullingherclose. “Vic—”Ronistarted. “IneedsometimewithJon,OK?Alone.” Roniseemedreluctanttoleave,butshenodded.“Iwasn’ttryingtostartafight, really—” “Iknow.Iknow,”Vickysaid,gettingherselfmoreundercontrol,wipingher eyes. RoninoddedandtookJon’sbeerforhim,thenduckedoutoftheroom. ThedoorhadbarelyshutwhenVickywaslookingatJonandspeaking.“This isn’tmyfirstpregnancy.” Jonblinked,notsurehowtorespondtothat. Vickycontinued,“Myhighschoolboyfriendknockedmeup.”Hervoice wavered.“Iwas16.” JonsqueezedVicky’shand,didhisbesttomakehisfaceneutral. “Myparentsfreakedoutwhentheyfoundout,andtheymadeusgetmarried. Rightaway.Sonoonewouldknowthat...”Shesighed.“Itwasstupid,becauseof courseeveryoneknewanyway,especiallyinasmalltownlikethis,but...”Vickytookin anothershudderingbreath,leanedforwardsoherheadwasrestingagainsthischeek, savoringitforamoment.Hedidhisbesttocomforther,smoothingahandonherback, kissingtheedgeofherfaceasbesthecouldwiththeawkwardangle.“Ilostthebaby.” Thewordscameoutslowly,andwhentheydid,JonrealizedVickywascryingagain,so hepulledherclose,cradlinghertightlyagainsthim,kissingthetopofherhead. “It’sOK,”hesaidinasoftvoice. “Idon’tmeanlikeamiscarriage,”Vickysaid,hervoicestillemotional,though sheseemedtohaveregainedsomeofhercalm.“Iwasattheendofmysecondtrimester, andIwentintoprematurelabor,and...”Vickypulledback,onehandcurledinthe fabricofJon’sshoulder,hereyeslookingintohis,andthepaintherewasenoughtotear hissoulintotinyshreds.“Theytriedtostopit,but...”Vicky’sgazedriftedofftothe side,goingvacant.Sheshookherhead.“Thebabywasbornalive,but...”She swallowed,closedhereyes.Joncouldseeshewastremblingnow,andhewrappedhis handsinherstostillandcalmthem.“Hewastoopremature.He...died.” JonsawafewstraytearstracedownVicky’scheeks,andhereleasedoneofher handssohecouldbrushthemawaywithhisthumb.Hewasn’tsureifheshouldsay anything.Thecircumstances,whilenotentirelythesame,remindedJonofKai'sbirth, thoughJonhadn'ttoldanyoneaboutthat,andnowdefinitelywasn'tthetime.Instead, heasked,“Isthat...isthatpartofhowyouknewwhatthatlastyearformewaslike? 192 WithKai?” Vickywipedhernosewiththesideofherhand,shrugged.“Ineverreally...I didn’tthinkofitthatway,exactly,butmaybe.”Shetookinadeepbreath.“He...he’d bealmostKai’sagenow,youknow?” “Vic—”Jonstartedtosay,buthisvoicebroke. Shenoddedsadly. “Didhehaveaname?” Afewmoretearsescaped,tracingtheirwayalonghercheeks.“Notofficially. But...IalwaysthoughtofhimasAndrew.” Jonsmoothedsomehairoutofherface,lettinghisfingerslingeronherskin justamomentlongerthannecessary,noticinghowhereyesfellpartiallyclosedasshe leanedintohistouch.“Whathappened...to...your...husband?”Heregrettedthe questionalmostassoonasitwasoffhislips.“I’msorry.Youdon’thavetoanswerthat now.” Sheshookherheadagainsthishand.“Ifwe’regoingtobeafamily,thenyou needtoknow.”Sheturnedherheadenoughtokisshispalm,thenpulledhishandaway andhelditinherlap.“Iwas...Iwasprettymessedupafterthat.Iwasn’teven18, dealingwithlosingababy,andahusbandwhodidn’twanttobestuckwithme, especiallynowthatwehadno‘reason’tobetogether.Andafamilywhowasn’tthemost understandingofthesituation.”Vicky’slipstrembled,butshedidn’tcryagain.“Some saiditwasGodpunishingmeforgettingpregnantoutofwedlock.” “Jesus.” Vickymanagedawetlaugh.“Yeah,IwastoldmorethanoncethatGodwas prettydisappointedwithme,andthatmybabywasgoingtoburninhellforeversincehe hadn’tbeenbaptized.”SomethinginVicky’sfacecracked,andthoughshedidn’tcry,the paintherewashardforJontosee.Butsheshookherhead,asifdismissingit.“Chuck. Thatwas...myhusband’sname....HeleftnotlongafterAndrew...”Shetookina breath.“Afterourbabydied,wetriedtostaytogetherforawhile,buthefinallydecided themarriagewaspointlesswithout....”Vickyshookherhead.“Heleftoneday,soI movedbackinwithmyparentsforawhile.Ittookmetimetogetmyheadbackon, finishhighschool,allthat....AndyearsbeforeIcouldgetadivorceandchangemy nameback.Idon’tknowwhathappenedtohim.Idon’treallycare.” JonleanedforwardandpressedakisstoVicky’slips,justagentlepeck,before lettinghisforeheadrestagainsthers.“I’msorry.” Shesighedsoftly,butsaidnothingmore. “Sothat’swhyyoudidn’tfightmeonthegettingmarriedthing?” Shenodded.“Myfamilywon’tacceptacivilwedding,andIcan’tgetmarriedin theCatholicchurchagainevenifIwantedto.” “Shit,Vicky,I’msorry.Thisis...thisisallmyfault.” Vickylaughed,pulledaway,andJonwassurprisedtoseehersmiling.“Ittakes twototango.Andthatwastwentyyearsago,Jon.Iwantyou.AndIwantthisbaby. Together.Andyeah,Iwantmyfamilytoloveyou,too,andtoacceptthis,butIdidwhat theywantedoncealready,and...Ihavetodowhat’srightforme.Forallofus.” Joncradledhercheek,smiledback.“Imightnotknowmuchaboutfamily,and ImighthavefuckedthingsupwithKai...butIwillalwaysfightforyou.Evenifit’s againstahundredangryCatholicrelatives.” Vickychuckled,wrappedherarmsaroundhisneckandburiedherfaceinhis shoulder,asifinhalinghisscenttobuoyher.“Iloveyou.” 193 “Iloveyou,too.” Vickysighedsoftly.“I’mhopingthepregnancywon’tcomeoutyet,butmake sureyourkeysareinyourpocketjustincasetheygetoutthepitchforksduringdinner.” Jonstaredather,worriedforasplitsecondshewasbeingserious,beforeshe startedtolaugh,andhejoinedin. “I’mbeingextracarefulthistime,”Vickysaid,herhandonherstomach.“The doctorstoldmeitwasn’tmyfault,whathappened,but...” Jonnodded.“Anyappointmentsyouwantmetogowithyou...justtellme, andI’llworkmyschedulearoundit,OK?”Jonkissedheragain,andthistimeitgota littlemoreheated,butthepassionwasmoreliketwosoulsmeldingthananything sexual.“Thankyoufortellingme.Ican’tpromiseIwon’tdoorsayanythingstupid, because,well,I’mme,but—” Vickyshushedhimwithanotherquickkiss,thenpulledhimup.“We’dbetter getbackbeforetheysendoutasearchparty.Roniwillkillmeifwegiveawayhersecret beerstashandsanctuary.ThoughI’dbettercomeupwithanexcusefortheredeyes, quick,beforethegossipmillstartsuptoobadly.”Vickyflashedhimagratefulsmile, reachingoutforhishandagain,givingitasqueeze.“Probablytimeyoumetthemenof thefamilyanyway.Comeon.” DespiteKai’saffectionatenicknameforthegatheringatDavidandMegan’shouseas “DeafieStrayThanksgiving,”Kaiwasn’ttheonlyhearingpersoninattendance.Besides Megan,ofcourse,therewasacollegegirlnamedYveworkingonherinterpretingdegree andlicensewhowasapparentlyfromoutoftownanddecidedthegatheringwouldbe goodpractice.Kaihadn’tcaughtherfullstory,becausehekeptgettingdistracted, thinkinghowharditwouldbeforadeafpersontopronouncethatname.Whynotspell itEve? BesidesYve,therewasamiddle-agedwomannamedSuzannewhomKai vaguelyrememberedsincehersonwashisage—Michael,maybe?Shehadn’t fingerspelledhisname,justusedhisnamesign,precedingtotalkabouthowproudshe wasofhim,sincehewasapparentlycurrentlyatGallaudetgettinghismaster’sdegree.It couldhavebeenthelingeringhangoverheadache(whichwasminglingwiththe beginningsofaZofranside-effectheadache),butitseemedalmostlikeshewasgloating insteadofbragging.YouandMichaelwereinthesameclassandhe’sonhissecond degreeandyoucouldbarelypasstwoclassesthissemester. Shewasstillsigning,thoughshe’dlostKaisomewhereat“consideringa cochlearimplant,”thoughseeminglyobliviousbecauseKaimadesuretonodandsign inacknowledgementeveryfewminutes,hopingshewascontentenoughshewouldn’t expectmoreofacontributionfromhimthanthat.Ahandsqueezedhisshoulder,and Suzannefrownedattheinterruption,butDavidwassmoothasever,apologizing profuselyandsmiling,thoughKaididn’tevencatchmostofthat.Healsodidn’tfight whenDavidliterallypulledhimaside,facingacorner,Davidcrouchingdowninfrontof himsotheirsigningwouldbeprivate. “Youlooklikeyou’reabouttopassout.AreyouOK?” Throughoutthemorning,DavidhadbeenkeepingasurreptitiouseyeonKai,as ifheexpectedKaitobreakdownagainatanymoment.Still,DavidknewKaiwell enoughtokeephisdistanceandnotpush.IfDavidhadfeltitnecessarytorescueKai fromSuzanne’sdiatribes,hemustreallylookbad.Butthen,Kainormallyonlyhadthis hardofatimestayingfocusedandconcentratingwhenEnglishwasinvolved,andhe’d 194 beenprettydistracted(anddistractible)sincethey’dreturnedfromWalmart. “Justhungover.Acoupleaspirinandsomethingtodrinkwouldprobably help.” DavidstudiedKaiclosely,whethertoattempttoreadbetweenKai’slines,orto giveKaiachancetocommunicatesomethingwithoutsignsifhewasworriedabout beingoverseen.Finally,Davidnodded,asifsatisfied,andlookedabouttostandbackup whenheadded,“Ifyouneedtodisappearforawhile,youcanliedowninourbed.It’s OK.” Jon’sharshwordsoftwodaysbeforefilteredintohismind:“Theworlddoesn’t revolvearoundyou,”andvaguely,KairealizeditwasonlytheZofrankeepinghis stomachfromreassertingitself.Again.Honestly,theideaofretreatingtoDavid’s bedroom,perhapsforthedurationoftheday,seemedincrediblyappealing. Instead,heplasteredonhisbestfakesmile,theonethatcouldfoolalmost anyone,eventhosewhoknewhimwell,andsaid,“I’llbeOK.” Davidfrowned,butpattedKaiontheshoulderasherose,thendisappeared intothekitchen,apparentlytogetKaiapainkillerandabeverage. Kaistayed,staringatthewallforafewminutes,wonderingifhecouldpossibly pullthatoffatleastuntilDavidreturnedwhenhefeltataponhisshoulder. Heforcedhimselftonotlookasannoyedashefeltashespunaroundtoface theperson.Atall30-somethingwomanwholookedshyanduncomfortable,asifshe regrettedgettinghisattention.Maybehehadn’tbeenquiteasgoodatmaskinghis grumpinessashe’dthought? Shesmiledawkwardly,andassoonasshemadeherfirstsignKaiknew immediatelywhereheruncertaintycamefrom.“Hi.MynameisEmma,”shesignedso stifflyKaihadtobitebackawince. “You’relearningASL?”Kaihadtorepeathimselfafewtimes,slowingdown eachtime,especiallyonthefingerspelling,untilshefinallynodded. “Thatobvious,huh?”shesaidinEnglish,thenblushed,asifrealizingherfaux pas.“Mysonisdeaf.” Andyou’redefinitelyhearing,Kaithought,maskinghisimpatienceinadeep breath.“Doyouhaveasignname?”Shedidn’tgetwhathewassaying,andthoughit’d beeasyenoughtoexplaininEnglish,hedidn’twantto.Ifherevealedhewashearing, shemightswitchcompletelytoEnglish,andhisheadachewouldnevergetrelief.Sohe triedadifferentapproach.Itwasn’tlikehedidn’thaveadecade-and-a-halfexperience inmakinghimselfunderstoodwithoutspeech.“MynameisKai.”Kaifingerspelledat glacialspeed,makingeachletterasclearaspossible.“Mynamesignis...”AndKai demonstratedhisstandardnamesign,theletterKrolledoutfromhislips.Ithadstarted outpartiallyasajokeathisexpense,backwhenhefirststartedschool,sincehewas hearingbutcouldn’tspeak(sincethesignmeant“hearing”becauseitalsomeant “speak”).Butitstuck,anditwasbetterthanmanyoftheothernamessomeofthekids calledhim,mostlyunderthetable,wheretheteacherscouldn’tsee. Emmafinallyseemedtounderstand.“NONAMESIGN,”sheresponded. Kaisighed,wonderedifheshouldcorrecther.“NONENAMESIGNNONE,” Kaifinallysigned,unabletoresist. Shelookedathim,herheadtiltedslightly,confused.MaybeKaishouldleave thetutoringtoMegan. Thankfully,DavidappearedwithabottleofGatoradeandacoupletablets, offeringthemtoKai.Kaitookthemquickly,smiledgratefullyatDavid.“Youknow 195 Emma?” Davidnodded.“Nicetoseeyou,”DavidsignedquicklyenoughKaiwassure Emmacouldn’thavecaughtit,thenhemadehisapologiestobothofthemandheaded offtotheothersideoftheroom,presumablytocontinueplayinghost. “God,Isucksobadatthis,”Emmamuttered. AsKaiswallowedthepillsandtookalongdrinktostall,hewonderedifnow wouldbeagreattimetoresuscitatehis“pretendtobedeaf”skillsethe’dusedmorethan onceinhislife,thoughnotrecently.Hecouldevenfurtherthelieandsayhedidn’tread lips,thoughthatcouldpotentiallybackfire.Ifshethoughthecouldn’thearher,andif shewascertainhecouldn’ttellwhatshewassayinganyway,shemightbabbleeven more,andhehonestlywouldrathergobacktohiseyesglazingoveratSuzanne’ssigned odetohersonthanhavetotrytoblockoutEmmawhininginhisear. “Howoldisyourson?” Emmabitherlip,watchinghimrepeathimself,perhapsreadinghislipsashe didhisbesttomakehimselfmoreclear.HewasnotspeakingEnglishtherestoftodayif hecouldhelpit.Finally,thelightbulbwentoff.“Nine...er...six,”sheresponded, fumblingwithherfingers,initiallyconfusingherthumbonherindexfinger,which meant“nine,”forherintendedthumbonpinky,meaning“six.” “Whereishe?”Maybeitwasastupidquestion,butKaiwasseriouslygrateful that—annoyingheariesaside—thiswasastrictlyadult-onlygathering. “Withhisdad,”sheexplainedinhercautious,jerkingway.“Divorced?”she asked,fingerspellingit. Kainodded,thendemonstratedthesign,two“D”handshapesmeetingtogether atthefingers,thendrawingapartandout. “Thanks,”Emmasigned.“MegantoldmeyoumightteachASL...”Herface scrunchedupasshestruggledtofigureouthowtosigntherestofthesentence.“Next semester,”shefinished,fingerspellingbothwords,andifKaihadn’tbeenforcedintothe hearingworld,hemighthavebeenconfused.ForDeafies,“next”didn’tmeanthesame asitdidforhearingpeople.“Next,”toaDeafperson,meant“theoneaftertheoneafter thisone,”ratherthan“theoneimmediatelyfollowingthisone.”“Nextexit”toahearing personmeanttheexitimmediatelycomingup;toaDeafie,itmeanttheoneaftertheone immediatelycomingup.Kaihadbeenlateonseveralassignmentshisfirstyearatthe hearinghighschooluntilhe’dlearnedthatwhatheconsidered“next”Thursdaywasnot thesame,necessarily,aswhattheteacherhadmeant. Kaihadbeensocaughtupinmusingover“next”—therehewas,getting distractedagain—thathe’dfailedtoanswer,orevenreacttoherstatement.Emmahad apparentlytakenthatasmeaningshe’dmessedupandwasattemptingtoexplainin variousotherways.Itfinallyhithim:MeganhadtoldpeoplehewasgoingtoteachASL? Maybeshecouldhavetoldhim?Unlessshehad,andhe’dforgotten....Nowayhis memorycouldbethatbad....Buthewasdoubtinghimself.Histhoughtswere scattered,andhehadtroublefocusingononethingfortoolong,especiallysincehis fightwithJonkepttryingtoseepinbetweeneachidea.Itremindedhimalittleofhis earlydayspost-transplant,whenhismemoryandattentionwereshitandhe’dbeen seriouslyworriedthathe’dneverbeabletofunction. Emmawaswavingherhandinfrontofhiseyesnow,frowning. Heshookhishead,asiftosnaphimselfbacktoreality.Ittookhimacouple minutesmoretorememberthetopic.Finally,heasked,“Megantoldyouthat?”But apparentlythatwasoutofEmma’scomprehension.Hesighed.“WhydidshetellyouI 196 wasteachingASLnextsemester?” EmmawatchedKai’ssigningcarefully,managingtounderstandhimfromhis combinationofslow,clearsignsandmouthingtheharderwords.“Becauseyou’ve taughtotherhearingpeoplebefore?”KaicringedatheruseoftheEnglishsign “because”insteadofstructuringhersentenceinASLwitharhetorical“why?,”butsaid nothing.KailikedMeganwellenough;she’dtamedDavidanddramaticallyimproved Jon’ssigninginonlyafewmonths,butstickingthenewbieASLdivorceeonhimwas cruel. Kaihadtaughtthreehearingpeoplesign:Renee,Jake,andFrankie,hisCP “buddy”fromCountyHouse,whohadn’tbeentherewhenhe’ddroppedbyfor Halloween,butwhomTheWardenwouldn’ttellKaianythingabout.He’dbeonly16 now,tooearlytohaveagedout.Soeitherhe’dmanagedtogetluckyandwasadopted, he’dbeenputintoafosterhome,orhewasdead.DespitehisCP,Frankiehadalways beenhealthy,sofarasKaihadknown,sothelatteroptionseemedunlikely.Butthe otheroptionsweren’tsolikely,either,sowhatthefuckdidheknow? Apparently,Kaihadspacedoutonetimetoomany,soEmmapointedoverher shoulder.“I’mjustgonna...” Andshewasgone.KaiwasseriouslydebatingtakingupDavid’soffertoretreat toabedroom,maybetrytocallJonandapologize.Fuck.Hecouldn’tfocus.Itwaskind oflikeapanicattack,butwithoutthesweatingandhyperventilation.Maybethiswas whatlosingyourmindwaslike.Maybethat’sexactlywhytheidiomwas“loseyour mind,”asifitweresandslippingthroughyourfingers,slowlyescapingyourgrasp, unabletostopit. Renee’suncleswerefighting;herUncleEmilehadwonthedressingcontestandnowhis brotherswereaccusinghimofcheating.Theywerealldrunk,too,whichdidn’tmake mattersanybetter,andwhenshe’dfinallydecidedtoescapethechaosforalittlewhile, herpawpawandJPweretryingtopullthemapart. Theweatherwasevenmorepleasanttodaythanithadbeenwhenshe’dflown in;inthelow70swithhardlyanyhumiditybyNewOrleans’standards.Someofher otherrelativesweregatheredaroundchairsandtablesinthefrontportionoftheyard, oronthebackporch,afewofthemsmoking,butafternearlyaweekofsomanyvivid personalities,Reneeneededalittlequiettimetoherself.Soshe’dretreatedtothefar backcorneroftheyard,sittingunderneathahugeliveoaktree,pickingatherplateof foodandhalfwatchingherrelativesinthedistance,lostinherownthoughts. ShemissedKaiterribly,andshecouldn’tignorehowdisappointedshe’dbeen byhowlittlethey’dcommunicatedthisweek,especiallythepastcoupleofdays. Althoughshecontinuedtoreassureherself,rememberKaihadsaidhewasgoingtokeep busy,itdidn’tstopthedoubtfromwantingtosurface.Butthenshe’drememberthat,as sillyandopenasKaicouldbewithher,hewasinnatelyaquiet,privateperson,andthey nevertalkedmuchonthephoneathome,sowhyshouldthisbeanydifferent? “Youlooklikesomeonejustkickedyourpuppy,”Lucsaid,somewherenearby. Reneelookedup.Luchadscrappedhislow-cutjeansandtightT-shirtofhis usualwardrobeforsomethingalittlenicerandmoreconservative,khakipantsanda button-upshirtthathungtoolooselyonhisnarrowframe.Reneerealizedtheoutfit reallydidn’tsuithim.Probablybecausetheclotheshadbeenpickedoutbytheirmother. Sheofferedasmile.“Didtheyhavetocallthepoliceyet?” Luclaughedashecrossedhislegsandsankdownbesideher,Indianstyle,his 197 plateinhislap.“OhGod,no.Doyouknowhowmortifiedtheparentalswouldbeifthat happened?Andthisisn’teventheirhouse.” Reneechuckledatthat.Sometimes,Marie—Renee’smother—remindedherof HyacinthBucketinKeepingUpAppearances,alwaysterrifiedofwhatotherpeople wouldthink,especiallysinceAnthony’sfamilyinparticularwasn’tfromthesame UptownstockasEvangeline’s.(Theirmarriagehadcausedquiteastirbackintheday.) Thetwosiblingspickedattheirfoodinrelativesilenceforawhile,watching relativesfilterinandoutofthehouse,thoughthisfarbackintheyardtheywere shelteredfromthenoiseandconversations,whichwerelittlemorethanbackground noise. “So...canIaskyousomething?”ReneeturnedtoseeLuclookingather, seeminghesitant. “Sure.”Sherealizedshewasn’tgoingtoeatanythingelse,soshesetherplate aside,hopingitwouldn’tgetswarmedwithants,thatmaybethey’dgoneunderground forthewinterdespitethemildtemperature. “How...howdoyouknowyoulikesomeone?Like,‘boyfriend/girlfriend’like someone?”Lucblushed,buthekepthisgazefixedonher,expectant. Reneesmiledfaintly,thinkingaboutKaiasshespoke.“Well,Icanonlyspeak formyself,obviously,but...it’slike,yougetthiskindoffloatyfeelinginyourstomach whenyou’rearoundthem,sometimesevenwhenyoujustthinkofthem.Andwhenthey touchyou,evenifit’sjustacasualbrush,itfeelslikeyournervesareonfire.Andyou can’tstopthinkingaboutthem.Allyouwanttodoisbewiththem.Allthetime.” Lucnervouslypushedafewbitesintohismouth,chewingslowly,asifgiving himselfachancetothinkofwhatelsetosay.Helookedworried,troubled.Finally,he swallowed.“Howdoyouknowifsomeonelikesyou?” “That’salittleharder,”Reneeadmitted,tiltingherhead.“Sometimesyoucan tellbythewaytheylookatyou,ortalktoyou.Like...it’skindofastarry-eyedlook, andasweet,flirtysmile...”Reneerealizeditwasreallyhardtotrytoexplainhowyou couldknowsomeonewasflirtingwithyou.“It’snotscience.Sometimes,youmightthink someone’sflirtingandinterested,butthey’renot,they’rejustfriendly.Sometimes,you justhavetotakeaplungeandaskthemout.Sometimesyougetlucky,andthey’llask you.”Reneesmiledknowingly.“Istheresomeoneyouthinkyoulike?” Luc’sblushspread,andhepushedhisbangsoutofhisfaceonlyforthemto slidebackagain.“Yeah.” “Atschool?” “NOCCA.” Reneewantedtopressfordetails,butdecidedshe’dletLuctellherwhathefelt comfortable.“Findsomethingyou’rebothinterestedin.Like,maybethere’samovieyou bothwanttosee,oramuseumyoubothwanttogoto,andyoucouldgotogether?That couldgiveyoumoreofanideaofwhethershe’sinterestedornot.” Lucstaredather,hislargeeyeswide,asifhewantedtosaysomethingelse.He stillhadthatscaredlookinhiseyes,butfinallyherelaxedintoasmileandsaid,“Yeah, that’sagoodidea.Thanks,sis.” Margaretwasapparentlysuperorganized,Jondiscovered,oncetheywereledtothe tablesfordinner.Theformallivinganddiningroomscombinedintoanenormous space,likelynormallydividedbyfurnitureinsteadofwalls,thougheverypiecehad evidentlybeenremovedinpreparationforthefeast.Perhapsrelocatedtoanotherroom, 198 perhapsputintostorage,Jonwasn’tsure.Intheirplacewererowsoflongtablesthat Jonassumedwereofthefoldablevariety,thoughthey,alongwiththelinesofchairs tuckedintothem,werecoveredwithfestivefabricinshadesofautumn.Itfeltalmost likeasit-downdinnerforaparticularlyfancywedding. ToJon’srelief,itseemedasifeachlongtablewasdedicatedtoaparticular segmentofthefamily:oneforVicky’ssiblingsandtheirspouses;oneforthecousinsand theirsignificantothers;onefortheuncles,aunts,theirspouses,andVicky’sparents;one forthegrandparentsandgreatunclesandaunts.MargaretandVivianhadapparently intendedparticularseatingassignments,butJonwasrelievedwhenVickypushedhim downintooneoftheseatstowardtheendofthetable,nearRoniandherhusband, makingescapeeasy,shouldheneedit.WhenVivianbegantocomplain,Vickyexplained thatbecauseofhisdiabetes,Jonneededtobeabletoleavethetablequickly.Itwasn’t reallytrue,butitwasoneofthefirsttimesinhislifeJonhadbeengratefulforhis disease.Hewasn’tsurehecouldhavetoleratedbeing“trapped”towardtheinteriorwall, withVivianathisearcheerleadingthroughoutdinner. Jonwasalsogratefulthatthechildrenapparentlyatesomewhereelse,sincethe humofconversationofdozensofadultswasallhehadtoworryabout.Still,Jonwas feelingtiredandalittlehypoglycemic,unabletostopthinkingaboutVicky’srevelation, analyzingandreanalyzingeverythingbothsheandRonihadsaidearlier.Whoamong Vicky’senormousfamilyhadmistreatedher?Vickyhadn’tspecified,andthough obviouslyaftertwodecadeswoundshadbeenmended,Joncouldn’thelpbutfeellike theybothhadahugeneonsignovertheirheadsthatscreamed,Sexoutofmarriage! Pregnant! “You’resweating,”Vickywhispered,squeezinghishand.“Youshouldn’thave waitedsolongtoeat.” Jonsqueezedherhandback.Hedidn’twanttoadmitthathisdiscomfort wasn’tentirelytiedtohisbloodsugar. Sensingthis,Vickyleanedin,kissinghischeek.“Eat,andcheckyoursugar, thencallKai.Maybeyou’llfeelbetterafter.” Jonnodded,forcingasmileastherestofthesiblingsandspousestooktheir seats,afewofthewomenremainingstandingtofacilitateserving.Theamountoffood, evenconsideringhowmanypeopletherewere,wasstaggering.Andso,somany starches.Jondecidedhe’dloaduponturkeyandham,thentakejustatasteof everythingelse. Onceeveryonewasserved,Vicky’sfather—hisnamewasPeter,Jonhadfinally learnedwhenthey’dbeenintroducedbriefly—stoodupfromhisplaceattheheadofthe centertable—andledeveryoneinaprayer,endingwiththesignofthecross,whichJon foundhimselfgoingthroughthemotionsofevenifhehadn’tattendedmassinalong time. Aseveryonesatdowntoeat,conversationbegantoflow,andJonfoundhimself relaxing.Roni’shusbandPatrickwascharmingandfunny,andthetwinsandtheirwives —whomadeuptherestoftheirhalfofthetable—werealsoenjoyablecompany.Jon’s terroroverbeingoverwhelmedbystrangersandtheweightofVickyandhisshared secretfadedaway,andforprobablythefirsttimeinaverylongtime,Jonfeltthe warmthofrealfamily.ThiswaswhatThanksgivingwasabout,Jonthought,smiling, squeezingVicky’shand. Butthenrealizationpiercedthehappybubble.KaiwasJon’sfamily,andhehad saidsomehorriblethingstohiminanger.AndwhatwasoneofKai’sgreatestfears? 199 Whathadhecriedaboutwhenhe’dlosthismindbecauseofValiumwithdrawals? Beingalone.Abandoned. AndthatwaspreciselywhatJonhaddonetohim. Again. Onlythistime,ithadbeenintentional. ThoughKaihadbeenrelievedMeganhadn’tinvitedtoomanypeople,therewerestill morethanwouldfitaroundtheirrounddiningtable,soDavidhadrentedacouple circularfoldingtablesandsomechairs,whichKaihadhelpedhimsetupthatmorning. Kaiwasimmenselygratefulhe’dgottenaseatatthemaintablewithDavidandMegan andherfamily,puttinghimcompletelyseparatefromtheannoyinghearies,sinceall threeofMegan’sfamilymemberswereDeaf. Kai’sappetitewasn’tgreatonagoodday,andtheZofranwasbarelykeeping hisnauseaatbay,butastheysettleddowntoeat,KairealizedMegan’sfamilywaspretty awesome.Aremotepartofhismindtoldhimthefoodwasgood,too,asheforced himselftoeatitwithoutlookinglikehewantedtothroweverybitebackup.The vegetarianloafthingMeganhadmadeforhimwasoneofthosefoods(likespinach, whichheloved)whosesightandscentmadehisstomachchurnuneasily,butonceitwas actuallyinhismouthtastedfantastic.Andapparentlyitwasreallynutritious,too,fullof proteinandvitamins,orsoshetoldhim.Heshouldprobablygettherecipe,Kaithought idly.Perhapsaddahintofastrong-scentedspice(likecurry)todistracthisstomach. Asdinnerpassed,KaiwasabletoseehowinloveMeganandDavidwere,and howhappyhisfriendwas.AsKaipickedathisfood,lookingaroundtheirtable,seeing thesmilesandlaughterandsignedjokes,herealizedthiswasalmostexactlythetypeof Thanksgivinghe’dalwaysdreamedofasakid.NoEnglish,nooneforcinghimtoeat,no oneharassinghim.Surroundedbythewarmthoffamilyandfriends. ButthepainofhisfightwithJonlingered,ofknowingthat,attheendofthe day,thespellwouldbebroken,andKaiwouldhaveanemptyapartmenttogohometo. ThatMartinwoulddiebecauseofKai,thatJonmightnevertalktohimagain. ButKaihadmeantwell,keepingtheERvisitandallthatfromJon,hadn’the? Hehadn’twantedJontoworry.KaiglancedoveratDavid,whowasrelatingastory (modifiedslightlytotakeoutmentionsofCountyHouse,suggestingthey’ddormed togetheratJSD)ofthetimetheystoleabottleofcheapwhiskyoneoftheorderlieshad hiddeninthekitchen,andgottenincredibly,disgustinglydrunktogether.Theorderly whosealcoholthey’dstolenhadbeentheonetofindthemthrowingupinthe communitybathroom,buthadknownhe’dlosehisjobifhereportedthemforit. Instead,he’dhelpedconvinceTheWardenitwasfoodpoisoning,andDavidhadhadthe guyunderhisthumbfortherestoftheyearheworkedthere. AcascadeoflaughterfilteredaroundhimasDavidactedoutthestory,andKai forcedasmile,buthewaslostinhisownthoughtsagain.Whowashekidding?Kai’s motivesforconcealingthetruthwerealwaysselfish.Justastheyhadbeenthen,getting drunkwithDavid,theywerenow.Kaididn’ttellJonabouthisrecentlungproblems becausehehadn’twantedJontobabyhimorharasshimconstantlyaboutbeingsick. No,itwasmorethaneventhat:Kaihadliedduetosometwistedsenseofdenial.Aslong asJondidn’tknowaboutKai’sbreathingproblems,Kaicouldpretendtheyweren’treal. Couldpretendhedidn’tfaceafutureofstrugglingforair.Again. Ultimately,Kaihadn’tkeptthesecretthathemightnotbecuredbecausehe wantedtoprotectJon.He’ddoneit,likeeverythingelsehedid,toprotecthimself. 200 Kaifelttearspricklinginhissinuses,clenchinghisteethtotrytoholdthem back.Maybethat’sallhislifewas,Kairealized.Aseriesofjustificationstohidehow trulyselfabsorbedhewas.KaihadconvincedhimselfthatBeccahadlefthimbecause hisbeingsickwastoomuchforhertohandle,butmaybeshe’dreallycheatedonhim becausehe’dbeentooneedy.Tooangry.Tooselfish. MaybeNikki’sleavingwashisfault,too.ShehadnevertreatedhimlikeBecca, andyettodayhehadinsinuatedshewasjustlikeher.Maybe,whenReneelefthim,too, he’dblameherforitwhentheonlyonetrulyatfaultwashimself.Maybehecouldn’tbe loved.Notreally.Hisparentshadn’tlovedhim.Andeventhosewhothoughttheydid— likeJon—onlygothurtbyhim.Maybehereallywasahorribleexcuseforahuman being,andJonwasbetteroffwithouthim,freetostarthisown,new,happyfamily withoutKaidraggingthemdown. DavidwaslaughingatsomethingMegan’sfatherwassigning,thoughhis peripheralvisionwasevidentlyhonedonKai.DavidhadsensedthechangeinKai’s thoughts,eventhoughKaiwascertainthatoutwardly,he’dkeptuphismask.ButDavid hadknownKaifortoolong.They’dsharedtoomuch,couldcommunicatetoowellwith eachotherthroughthesubtlestofbodylanguage.ItwaspossiblenotevenMeganwould havenoticedtheslightalterationinDavid’seyesorface,orthewayhisshoulderstensed subtly. Kaiforcedhissmilealittlebrighter,shookhishead.ThenhetappedMegan’s shoulder,thankingherforthefoodandcomplimentingheragainonthevegetarian options,andexcusedhimself.Hisholdonhisemotionswastenuous,andifhewas goingtoloseitagain,hewoulddosointheprivacyofthebathroom.Hewouldn’tbe selfishenoughtodestroyMegan’sperfectThanksgiving. ButwhatisitthattheysaytheroadtoHellispavedwith? KaiwheeledthroughDavidandMegan’sbedroomintotheirbath.Davidneverhad managedtogetthedoornottostick,soKaileftitproppedopenasheentered. Immediately,hepushedtothetoiletandvomited,hisstomachspasmingwiththeurge toemptyitself.Hefeltalittleguilty,throwingupMegan’shardwork,andthemeal,at leastincombination,wasdefinitelynot“good”food,leavingaharsh,sourtasteinthe backofhisthroat.Hisstomach,atleast,feltbetter.Ifonlytherestofhimdid,too. Hepausedatthesink,sideways,sinceitwasn’taroll-under(notthathewas usedtohavingoneanyway)andsplashedsomecoldwateronhisface,hastilyrinsedhis mouth.Lookingathisreflection,hethought,nowonderDavidhadbeenkeepinganeye onhim.Thoughhedidn’tlookquiteasbadashehadthatmorning—therednessinhis eyeshadfaded,andhischeekshadmorecolor—hiseyeswerehaunted.Kaitried slippingonafewofhisdefaultmasks,fromneutralto“I’mfine”to“disaffected”and backagain,butnomatterwhathedid,hiseyesdidn’tchange.Theyremindedhimofhis mother’s,thewayshe’dstaredoutfromthatphotographJonhadgivenhim. Hetorehisgazeawayfromhisreflectionandstartedsearchingthrough cabinetsanddrawers.Maybecuttingwouldhelptaketheedgeoff,ifonlyfortherestof dinner.Hecouldfocusonthepainanditwouldstophimfromlosingit,whichhefelt precariouslyclosetodoing.Dr.Millerinsistedhewasn’tcrazy,butitsureasfuckfelt thatwayashishandstrembled,divingthroughmakeupandhairproductsand—Jesus womenhavealotofcrap. KaifoundDavid’srazor,whichwaselectric,andMegan’s,whichwasthe standardsafetyvariety,bothofwhichwouldn’treallydohimmuchgood.ButKai 201 couldn’tfindanythingelseremotelywithacuttingedge,notevenafuckingcuticle clipper.IfonlyDavidhadlefthistoolsinthebathorbedroom.Surely,there’dbe somethingthere. Hisstomachrolledinselfdisgust,andhefelthischestjerkinward,asifhis bodywastryingtobreakdown—again—intosobbing.Fitsthatseemedtocatchhim moreandmoreoffguardlately,andwhichDr.Millertoldhimwerehisbody’swayof releasingallhispentupemotions.“You’vespentmostofyourlifeburyingyourfeelings andprojectingothers,”Dr.Millerhadsaid.“It’sliketryingtocontrolariver. Eventually,thewaterwillburstthrough.”Itwasaninelegantanalogy,butfitting. Kailetoutascreamoffrustration,notgivingashitifitwasloudenoughforthe hearingpeopletohear.Anythingtokeephimselffrombreakingdown.He’dbeenalone before.Hecoulddoitagain.Itwasn’tsuchafuckingbigdeal.DespiteKai’sbestefforts, fattearsrolleddownhischeeks,selfloathingsweepingoverhim.Todaywasadayhe’d dreamedaboutforyearsasakid,andhewashidinginthebathroom,cryinglikeafiveyear-old.Fornofuckinggoodreason,either. Theheatkickedinwithasubtleroarandshiftinpressure. Thenthedoorpulledshutwithaloudcrash. Andaclick. Aclickthatsoundedtoomuchlikealockturning. Kai’spulseimmediatelyskyrocketed,hisheadsnappingup,lookingtothe doorway.Itwasjustclosed.Notlocked.Howcoulditbelocked?Kaipushedhimself towardthedoorasfastashecould,nearlycollidingwithitashemisjudgedhis momentum.Hishandsflewtothehandle,pushing.Nothing. Sweathadbrokenoutalloverhisbody,andhispalmswereclammy,kept slippingoffthehandleeachtimehetriedtograbitagain.It’sjuststuckit’sjuststuckit’s juststuckKaitoldhimselfoverandover,buthewasbeginningtoshake,makingiteven hardertotrytheknobagain.Kaithrewhisweightintoit,slamminghisshoulderintothe wood,hopingtodislodgeit,butitwouldn’tbudge. Acryofpanickedfrustrationescapedhislips.Tearsspilledout,blurringhis vision.Ohfuckohfuckohfuckit’slockedohfuckplease,Kai’sthoughtstorethroughhis mindlikeariverbreakingitsbanks.Hethrewhimselfagainstthedooragain,harder, theanglecausinghimtotipoutofhischairontothefloor,painsearinguphishipfrom wherehe’dhitthetile,butheignoredit.Hehadtogetthedooropen,Getthedooropen getthedooropengetthedooropen. Hecouldn’tbreathe,hischestandthroattightwithpanic,hisfingersclawingat thedoor.Hereacheduptotrythehandleagain—maybethedifferentanglewouldhelp— andhisheartnearlyexplodedinfear. Locks,stackedhigh,highuponthedoorwherehecouldneverreachthem, keysandboltsandchainsthatwereallontheothersideofthedoor.Ohfuckohfuckoh fuck.Locksthatwereunpickableevenifhecouldhavestoodlongenoughtopickthem. Locksshe’dchosenonpurposesohecouldn’tgetout,nevergetout,notuntilshewanted himto,notuntilhe’dlearnedtobegood. Kai’svisionhadtunneled,blurredwithtears,hisbreathshurried,heaving gasps,hisfingersclawingattheedgesofthedoor,slippingunderit,hopinghecould findsomewaytoopenit,eventhoughadim,backpartofhisbrainknewitwas impossible.OhGodhecouldn’tbreathe.Heleanedagainstthedoor,strugglingforair, wantingtopleadwithherbutunableto.Sobsstolewhatlittlebreathhehadleft,heaving butnotgettinganyair,tremblingandshakingandcrying. 202 I’mgoingtodiehereallaloneallaloneallaloneallalone.Hisbreathing becamemorefrantic,harried,hismindracing.I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry I’msorry.Buttheairwouldn’tcome.Theairwouldn’tcome. Kaisanktothefloor,stillgasping,coveringhishead,tryingtomakehimselfas smallashepossiblycould.Desperately,hewrappedhisarmsaroundhimself,tryingto stoptheshakingbecausehecouldhearheroutside,probablytoyellathim,butmaybeif hewasgoodandhedidn’tmakeasound,notevenapeepfromhisharshbreathing,then maybeshe’dlethimoutandshecouldseehowsorryhewasandhowhe’dbegoodand he’dneverthrowupagainorfalloranythingtomakehermadevereverevernever again. WhenfifteenminuteshadpassedandKaihadn’treturned,Davidbecameworried. MaybeKaihadtakenhimupontheoffertoliedownforawhile,butsomethingnagged inhisgutanyway.Itdidn’thelpthatMegankeptturningherhead,distracted,herbrows furrowing,asifshewerehearingsomethingshedidn’tknowwhattomakeof.Dinner wasessentiallyover,afewoftheguestsretiringtowatchfootballanddigestbefore dessert,soDavidexcusedbothhimandMegan,dragginghertotheirroom. “Imightneedyourearsandyourvoice,”Davidexplainedastheyenteredtheir room. Kaiwasn’tintheirbed,butthebathroomdoorwasshut.Davidcreptcloser, lookingtoMegan,trustinghertotellhimiftherewasanythingheshouldbeworried about. Meganfrowned.“Itsoundslike...he’scrying.”Shepaused,puthereartothe door,herbrowfurrowingdeeper.Sheshookherhead.“Hisbreathingsoundsbad.”She pulledawayfromthedoor,worrypaintingherfeatures.“Somethingisn’tright.” Davidfelthisownworrychurninginhisgut,buthestrodetothedoor, knocked,lookingtohisfiancéeforguidance. Hewatchedhercallout,likelysayingsomethinglike,“Kai,areyouOK?”based onthewayherlipsmoved,thoughDaviddidn’ttrytoreadthem. Meganshookherhead,perhapstoindicateKaihadn’tresponded. “TellhimI’mcomingin,”Davidordered.HewaitedforMegantointerpretfor him,thentriedthedoor.Itwasstuck,butafeweffortfulpullsfinallygotitopen. DavidsawMegangasp,herhandsgoingtohermouth. Kailayonthefloor,curledup,hisfaceburiedinhischestandlegs.Hewasn’t moving.David’sheartstopped.Hetriedtoremindhimselfthatjustbecausehecouldn’t seethatKaiwasbreathingdidn’tmeananything. MegantappedDavid’sshouldertogethisattention.Anyremainingbloodshe’d hadinherfacewasgonenow,hereyeswide.“Ican’t...Ican’thearhimbreathing anymore.God!” Withoutathought,Daviddroppedtohisknees,rolledKaiontohisback.Kai wasunconscious,butwhenDavidputhishandnearKai’smouth,hecouldfeelthe faintestbreath,andhispulsewassteady.Amomentarywaveofreliefpassedoverhim, buthenoticedKai’soverturnedwheelchair,sawthedrawersinvariousstatesof disarray. Kai,ifyouhurtyourself,yousonofabitch,Davidthought,butasfarashe couldsee,Kaiwasfine.Justunconscious.Witharushofbreath,Davidsankbackonto hisfeet.HecouldseeMeganwatchinghim,frozen,waitingforhimtotellherwhatto do.Heshouldhavehercallanambulance,buthealsoknewKaiwouldn’twantthat. 203 Kaiwasfightingwithhisbrother,butstill...“CallJon.” Ithadtakensomeeffort,butDavidhadmanagedtogetKaiintotheirbed,stretchedout, hislegsproppedupwithpillows.Hestillhadn’twoken,buthewasbreathingOK,so DavidtriednottoworryashewatchedMegantalktoJononthephone.Kaihad explainedalittleofwhathisfightwithhisbrotherhadbeenabout,andDavidwondered ifJonwouldletthatcomebetweenthemwhenKaineededhim. Finally,Meganhungup.“He’sonhisway.” Davidnodded,feelingsomeofthetensioninhischestunravel.“I’llsitwith him.Gotakecareofourguests.I’llshoutifIneedyou.” Meganhesitated,butshefinallynodded.“I’llstartencouragingpeopletogo home.”Withonemorereluctantlook,sheeasedoutthedoor,shuttingitbehindher. DavidcheckedKai’spulseagain,justtoensurehewasstillOK—oratleastas OKashecouldbeunderthecircumstances.Hesettledbacktokeepanall-too-familiar watch,hiseyesfixedonKai’schest,trackingitsslowbutevenriseandfall. CountyHousewasdividedintothreewards.Thefirst,the“indies”asDavidand Kaicalledthemandwheretheirroomwas,wasforthekidswhoweremoreorless independent.LikeKai,someofthekidsmightneedhelpoccasionally,butforthemost part,theycouldfunctionontheirown.Dressthemselves,bathethemselves,etc.The secondwasforthemoreseverelydisabledkids,the“DPTs,”asDavidandKaihadcalled them,kidswhoweredependentonorderliestohelpthemwithbasictasks,especiallyin themorningandevenings,butwhootherwise,oncetheywereintheirwheelchairsor whatever,couldbeOKmoreorlessontheirown.Thentherewasthethirdward,the “sickies,”asDavidhadnicknamedthem,eventhoughKaididn’tliketheterm.Itwasfor thefewkidswhoneedednursingcare—notjustanorderlyoravolunteer,butanactual nurse—tocareforthem.Thereweren’tmanyofthematCH,sincemostofthosetypesof kidsweresentsouth,andCHonlyhadonetotwonursesontheclockpershift.Butit wasalsowheresomeofthekids—likeKai—weretreatedwhentheygotsick,ifthings weren’tseriousenoughtheyneededtobehospitalized. Kaioftenwouldendupthereatnight,ifhisbreathingwasbadenoughhe neededclosermonitoringoroxygen,butnotsobadtheyneededanambulancetorace himtothehospital.Technically,Davidwasn’tallowedbackthere,butafterTheWarden realizedshortofbarricadingDavidinhisroom,shecouldn’tkeephimfromsneakingin theretobewithKai,sheallowedit.SoDavidspentmanynights,forcinghimselftostay awakeashesatbesideKai’sbed,watchinghim,keepingvigilovertheriseandfallofhis chest,worriedthatifhefellasleep,Kaimightstopbreathing. Jonstruggledtofindaplacetopark;apparentlyquiteafewDeafieshadflockedto Megan’shouseforThanksgivingdinner.Finally,hefoundaspotafewblocksover,not incrediblythrilledabouttrekkingthroughtheroad,theicywindbitinghisexposedskin. Kai’scarwasparkedinthedriveway,andJon’sangerspiked.Asworriedashe’dbeen thepastcoupledays,hewasstillmadatKai,forlyingtohim,forruiningthepotential chancefordozensofotherFSpatients,andhewasmadthathecouldn’tevenbemadif Kaiwassick. Hegrunted,adjustedthestrapofhismedicalbag.WhenJonfinishedhis secondyearofmedicalschool,hisadoptivefatherhadgivenhimatraditional,oldfashionedleatheropen-mouthedbag.However,Jonhadquicklyreplaceditwithamore practical,modernfabriczipperedversion,morelikethekindofbaganEMTcarried. 204 Inside,healwayskeptasparestethoscope,asimplesphygmomanometer,apulse oximeter,severaldosesofvariousnebulizersolutions,acouplenewalbuterolinhalers, andanepipen,plusafewbandagesandotherbasicfirstaidsupplies. Asannoyedandpissedasitwouldmakehim,whileJonwalkedtothefront door,hesecretlyprayedthatKaiwasfine,thatthiswasallsomeelaboratepranktoget backathim.Jonpressedthedoorbell.ButhehadheardthefearinMegan’svoice,and thoughJoncouldseepullingDavidintothefiasco,itdidn’tseemlikeKaitodragher intoitaswell. Amomentlater,thedooropened,amiddle-agedmanwhohadMegan’seyes answering.“Dr.Taylor?”PerhapsMeganhadpostedherfathertoanswerthedoor. Jonnodded,gratefulhewasn’tgoingtohavetocomeoffasrudebyskipping throughthenormalDeafiegreetingritualssohecouldgetstraighttothepoint.Theman signaledacrosstheroom,andsoonMeganappeared,lookingpaleandworried. “ThankGodyou’rehere,”shesignedandspoke. Jonsighed,hisemotionsswirlinginsidehimwhileheusedhistrainingtokeep himoutwardlycalm.Heknewitwasrudetospeak,uninterpreted,inaroomfullof Deafies,buthonestly,atthispoint,Jondidn’tcare.Englishwaseasierandfasterright now.“Whereishe?” Meganblinkedforamoment,theinterpreterinhernearlytransposinghis Englishintosigns,beforeshefinallyreplied,inunsignedEnglish,“Inourbedroom.” Jonnoddedandindicatedforhertoshowhimtheway.“Whathappened?”he askedastheymadetheirwaythroughthecrowdedfrontroomsintoahallway. Meganshookherhead.“Idon’tknow.IthoughtIheardscreamingandcrying. Whenwegotthebathroomopen,Kaiwasunconscious.” JonfrownedasMeganledhimintothebedroom.Kaiwaslaidoutontheirbed, Davidsittingbesidehim,watchinghimlikeaguarddog.Hedidn’tseemtonoticethem, soMeganwalkeduntilhecaughtherinhisperipheralvision,glancingup.Hescowledat Jonforamomentbutsignednothing. Jonslippedoffhisbag,hiseyestakinginKai.Hiscolorwasgood,hislips weren’tblue,andhisbreathing,fromacasual,fifteen-secondcheck,waswithinthe normalrangeforsleep,slowandeven.Convincedthisdidn’tseemtobeanemergency, Jonbeganunpackinghisbag. “Doyouhaveanyammonia?” Davidglaredathimforspeakingunsigned,butJonignoredhim. “Like,forcleaning.Ammonia,orsomethingthathasammoniainit,”Jon barkedashewrappedthebloodpressurecuffaroundoneofKai’sarms. “Uh,I’mnotsure,”Megansaid. JonsawMeganandDavidsigningtoeachother,buthefocusedonchecking Kai’sbloodpressure,somethinghehadn’tdonemanuallyinyears,soittookhima coupleoftries.ItwasonthelowendofnormalforKai.Jonremovedthecuffashe noticedDavidhopoffthebedanddisappear. JonslippedthepulseoxonKai’sfinger,thentossedthesphygmomanometerin hisbag.Kai’spulsewasfine,aswashisPO2,sobasedonthelimitedinformationMegan hadgivenhim,JonhadtosuspectKaihadhadapanicattackandhyperventilateduntil helostconsciousness.Still,tobethorough,JonlistenedtoKai’slungsaswellashe could,thenhisheart,bothofwhichsoundedfine,althoughJonbemoanedhisreal,good stethoscope,theonehenormallyuseddaily,andwhichwasinfinitelybetterthanthis cheaponehekeptinhiskit. 205 Jonheardthebedroomdooropenandclose,andsoonDavidappearedathis side,offeringhimabottleofcleanerwithascowl.Hisexpressioncouldcertainlyrival oneofKai’sworst,andJonsuspectedDavidmustnotlikehimverymuch.Jonhadto admitthatattackingKaiintheguy’slivingroomprobablydidn’tearnhimanybrownie points,notthatJonreallycared.Itprobablydidn’thelpthatDavid’sdeafnessmeanthe wouldhaveonlygottenKai’ssideofthestory,andwhoknewhowKaihadspunit. MaybeKaihadDavidconvincedJonwasevilincarnate.Still,whateverbiasDavidhad againstJon,ithadn’tkeptithimfromsummoningJontoKai. Jonacceptedthebottle,openedit,andtookahesitantsniff,hisnose immediatelyscrunchingupfromthestrongodorofammonia.Henoddedakindof thankstoDavid,grabbingsomecottonfromhiskit,soakingtheminthesolution.He cappedthebottle,thenwavedthesoakedswabsunderKai’snostrilsbackandforthand backandforthuntilKai’seyesshotopenwithastart. “Welcomeback,”Jonsaid,hisvoicetight.ThoughhewassecretlyrelievedKai wasOK,hislingeringangerwouldn’tlethimadmitit. Kaicoughed,bracedhishandsonthebed,musclestense,asifreadyinghimself tomove,hischestjerking,eyeswidewithconfusedpanic.Heglancedaroundtheroom beforeshuttinghiseyes,coveringhisfacewithhishandsandobviouslyconsciously tryingtocalmhimselfdown. Jontookoutapenlightfromhiskit,pullingKai’shandsawaytocheckhis pupillaryresponse,sincenoonecouldbesureifKaihadhithisheadwhenhe’dfallen. Theywerenormal,butJondidn’tlikethewayKailookedathimwhenthelightwas takenaway.Almostlikehedidn’trecognizehisbrother. Jonforcedhimselftoaskthebasicorientationquestions,tobeadoctorinstead ofabrotherforafewmoreminutes.“Canyoutellmeyourname?” Kaiignoredthequestion,pushinghimselfupwithouthelp.Atremblecoursed throughKai’sentirebody,andhiseyesfilled.“Jon?”Foramoment,Jonworried,until Kaithrewhisarmsaroundhim,hugginghimtight.“I’msorry.” ItwasJon’sturntobeconfused,asJonhuggedKaibackforafewminutes, listeningtoKaipleadinginhisearachorusofapologyandgratitude. Finally,Kaipulledback,hishandsstillonJon’sshoulders.“You’rehere.”Kai’s eyeswereglossy,butfullofsuchoverpoweringrelief,almostasifKaihadbelievedhe wouldneverseeJonagain. Jonfrowned. Kaisighedandrecitedhisname,thedate,andafewotherfactstoconvinceJon hewasfine.Ashedidso,JonnoticedKai’semotionalityoffirstwakinghadbeenshored up,thoughJonknewitwasstillthere,lingeringunderthesurface. “Canyoutellmewhathappened?”Jonaskedinhisclinical,detacheddoctor voice.Jontriednottofocusonhowlostandscared,yetgratefulKaihadlookedwhen he’drealizeddespiteeverything,JonhadstillcometomakesurehewasOK. KailookedfromJontoMegantoDavidandshookhishead.Joncouldseehis brother’shastilypaintedveneerofcalmchipping. “Youpassedoutinthebathroom,”Jonprompted.“Doyourememberthat?” Kai’seyesdriftedtothebathroomdoor.Hisliptrembled.“Thatwasn’ta dream,wasit?”Kaiburiedhisfaceinhishands.“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,”hemuttered, hisbreathingbeginningtogrowfastandshallow. DavidlookedatJon,asiftryingtoimpartanencyclopedia'sworthof informationwithjusthiseyesandbrows,hiseyesdartingtoMegan.Pickinguponhis 206 cue,JonroseandpulledMegantotheside. JonlaidahandonMegan’sarm,comfortingherthewayhemightapatient’s familymember.“He’sfine.Itwasprobablyhisbloodpressure,”Jonlied,thoughashe didso,hewasn’tentirelysurewhy.Hewasfuckingsickofsecrets:Kai’s,Vicky’s.His mother’s,ifhewasreallyhonestwithhimself.Butmaybethedoctorinhim,whowas boundnottosharepatientinformation—notthatKaiwashispatientanyway—directed histongue.Besides,Kaihadbeenupsetenoughabouthispanicattacksintheexam roomandatthediner.Thelesspeoplewhoknewabouthisanxiety,thelessKaiwould stress.Andwhateverhadhappenedtoday,maybeitwaspartiallyJon’sfault.Jonknew howmuchbeingabandonedterrifiedKai,andyethehadwalkedoutonhim,goingso farastotakemostofhisdiabetessupplieswithhimwhenhe’dleft. JonglancedoverMegan’sshoulder,wherehesawKai,huddledandtrembling, noddingandshakinghisheadoccasionallyinresponsetoDavid’ssigns,butotherwise, shutdown.Jon’sremainingangerfledhisbodyashecoaxedMeganoutthedoor.He hadpromisedKai,renewingthatpromiserecently,thathewouldalwaysbethereforhis brother,alwaysbearoundwhenKaineededhim.AndKaineededhimnow. JonnudgedKai’sfeetoutoftheway,sittingonthebedinfrontofhisbrother. “Tellmewhatyouremember,”Jonsaidinasoftvoice,gentle,thewayhe’dspeaktoone ofhisspookedyoungerpatients.Nonthreatening,friendly. KaiturnedhisheadfromDavidtoJon’s,anditwaspainfultoseehowhardKai wasstrugglingtokeepittogether,howanysecondhisenforcedcalmwasgoingto shatter.“It...itwaslikeanightmare.Only...”Kaitookinabreathwithenormous effort.“OnlyIwasawake.”Kai’sliptrembled,hismaskdropped,butJononlysawitfor asecondbeforeKaiburiedhisfaceinhisknees,clutchingthemtightlytohischestasif tryingtomakehimselfassmallaspossible. DavidjammedhisfingersintoKai’sshoulder,perhapsannoyedbyallthe English,butKaijustshookhisheadwithoutliftingit.ButDavidwaspersistent,making anindeterminatenoisetoaidingettingKai’sattention. Kaifinallylookedup,releasedhisgriponhislegstofreeuponehandenough tosign,“Thankyou,butpleasego.IneedtotalktoJon.”Kai’seyeswerepleading. Alongmomentpassedbetweenthem,inwhichtheyseemedtobe communicatingwithonlytheirfaces.ThehurtatbeingdismissedwasclearinDavid’s face,andwhenKaicontinuedtopleadwithhim,withoutwordsorsignstogo,pleasego, Davidfinallyclosedoffhisexpression,glaredatJon,andleftinahuff,thedoor slammingloudlybehindhim. ThesoundwasenoughtomakeKaijumpanddescendintotremblingsobadhe couldhardlykeephimselfupright.Kai’schestexpandedandcontractedvisibly, breathinganobviouseffort. JonlaidacautioushandonKai’sshin.“Kai.It’sOK.Talktome.” Kaitookanotherraggedbreathandliftedhisheadjustenoughtopeeroverhis kneesatJon.Hiseyeswereredandtearsweretracingdownhischeeks.“Itwasthe worstpanicattackever....I...Ilostmyself,Jon,”Kaisaid,bitinghisliphardand buryinghisfaceagain. Jonfrowneddeeply,gratefulKai’sfacewashiddensohecouldn’tsee.Hewas tryingtothinkofwhattosayandhowwhenheheardKaibreakintofullsobs,loudand violent.ItwasasoundofdespairunlikeanyJonhadeverheardfromhisbrother,and thoughhe’dneveradmitit,itscaredtheshitoutofhim. DespiteJon’sattemptstoconsolehim,Kaicriedforalongtime,untilhewas 207 gaspingforbreathandexhausted,lyinglistlesslyonhisside.“I’mfine,”Kaisaid,entirely unconvincingly.“Thankyouforcomingtocheckonme.ButyoucangobacktoVicky.” Kai’svoicebroke.“Whereyoubelong.” Jonwasfloored.“Kai—” “It’dbeselfishofmetoaskyoutostay,”Kaisaidwithapainedsmile,his breathlaboredandwheezyfromthetears.ItcouldeasilyhavebeenajabatJon,butone looktoldhimKaiwascompletelyserious. “Kai.Ishouldneverhavesaidthosethingstoyou.Ididn’tmeanit.Iwasupset. Andangry.” Kai’seyesslidtoJon’sfinally.“We’reourmosthonestwhenangry,”hesaid flatly,asifhewerequotingsomeone.Hepushedhimselfbackup,seeminglytohelphis breathing,coughingseveraltimes. JonhandedKaisometissues,watchinghisbrothercough.Witheachcough,his breathinggotbetter,thoughhewasstillshaking.Hewasfar,farfrom“fine.”“Italkedto VickybeforeIcame,andshetoldmetostaywithyouaslongasyouneed.” KailookedupatJon,hiseyesunreadable,butheshookhishead.“Ineedtoo much;isn’tthatmyfuckingproblem?”ButKai’swordsheldnoanger,onlypain. Apparentlybothofthemhadspentthepastfewdaysbeingmadatthesameperson— Kai.Jonsawahitchinhisbrother’sbreathingandwonderedifKaiwasgoingtobreak downagain.HissuspicionsseemedconfirmedwhenKaijammedtheheelofhishand intohiseyeandspoke,hisvoiceshaking,“I’msuchafuckingmess.”Kaipulledhislegs tohischestagain,huggingthemclose,silentnow,butshakingagain,afullbodytremor notquitelikeanMLSattack,hiseyessodisturbinglyvacant. Jontookouthisphoneandsearchedhiscontacts.“I’mcallingDr.Miller.” Dr.Miller’sphoneranguntilhervoicemailpickedup,instructingthecallerto leaveamessageandshewouldreturnthecallpromptly,butifitwasanemergency,to hangupandcall911.Shealsogavethenumberforoneofthesuicidehotlines. JonlookedatKai,sighedheavily,andspokequickly.“Dr.Miller,thisisDr. Taylor,KaiFox’sbrother.Iapologizeforbotheringyouontheholiday,butIwould appreciateitifyoucouldcallmebackASAP.”Jonrattledoffhispersonalcellnumber andhungup. JonreachedoutforKai’shand,wonderingifKaiwouldpullawayfromhim, relievedwhenhedidn’t.Kaihadburiedhisfaceagain,andJonrealizedhewascrying quietly,hispulsejumpinginhisthumb.Theshaking,theracingheart—itmeantKaiwas stillratchetedup. “You’llbeOK,”Jonsoothed.Withhisotherhand,JonsmoothedKai’shair, concernandhisunfailingparentalinstinctkickinginandsweepingawayanylingering anger.“Letmetakeyouhome.” Kaishookhisheadwithoutliftingit.Whenhespoke,hiswordscameout muffled.“Idon’twantanyoneelsetoseemelikethis.”Kaisuckedinaharshbreath, squeezedhislegstighter,sotightlyhehadtobecuttingoffcirculation.“Whatif...” Kai’svoicewasstrained.“WhatifDr.Millerwaswrong?Ican’tblamedrugsthistime.” Kaicuppedahandoverhisneck,asifheweretryingtosilencehispulse.“I’mlosingmy mind.” “You’renot,”Jonsaidwithcertainty,thoughhewasn’tnearlyassureashe triedtoconvey.“You—”ButJon’sphonebuzzedinhishand,cuttinghimoff.“Dr. Miller?” “Dr.Taylor?IsKaiallright?” 208 Jonlookedathisbrother,whowasrockingforwardandback,thoughthe movementwassubtlesincehecouldn’tusehisfeettopush.Hesighed.“Letmeseeif he’suptotellingyouhimself.”Jonheldthephoneonhisshoulder.NudgedKai’sleg. “Kai?DoyouwanttotellDr.Millerwhathappened?” Kaididn’trespondimmediately,butfinally,hereachedahandupblindlyfor thephone,holdingitlooselytohisear;hisotherarmcontinuedtoembracehislegstight tohischest.“Thankyouforcallingback,”KaisaidinavoiceJonalmostdidn’trecognize ashisbrother’s.TherewasnowayDr.Millercouldn’thearhowupsetKaiwas.Apause, andthenKaichokedout,“Thebathroomdoorclosed,andIpanicked.Itwaslike...” Kai’seyesdartedtoJon’s,thencontinued,“Iwastrappedinanightmare,butIwasn’t sleeping.I...”Kai’svoicecracked,hisbreathinggrowingrapidandirregular.“I believedshewasoutsidethedoor,thatifIheldmybreath,she’dopenit.IthoughtIwas goingtodieinthere,allalone.Ipassedout.” Jonnoticedthe“she.”Andapparently,thebathroomdoorhadbeensomekind oftrigger?Jonstilldidn’tknowtherootofKai’sPTSD,buthesuspectedhe’dfindout moreaboutitwithinthenextfewminutes,onewayoranother. “No,no,I’mnotOK,”Kaisaidinawobblyvoice,hisbreathingerratic.“Iwas livingmynightmare,Dr.Miller.Sanepeopledon’tdothat.”Kai’sdesperationwasclear. Kaiwassilentalongtime,apparentlylisteningtoDr.Miller,perhaps explainingwhatshethoughthadhappened,andcalmingKaidown. “OK....OK....Yes....I’mshakingnow,andIcan’t...Ican’tbreathe.Ican’t think.Iwanttoscreamandcryandclosemyeyesanddisappear,”Kairambledoff,his wordsfallingoutofhismouthsorapidlyhisarticulationfailedhim,hiswordsslightly slurred.“Ineedtogetoutofmyhead.”Kaibegantobreakdownagain.“I’mscaredany secondI’mgoingtoslipbackintothatwakingnightmare.OhGod,”Kaisaid,becoming moredesperateandpanicked.Helookedlikehewouldeitherbreakoutinafullanxiety attackorpassout.“Ihatethis.Ihatemyself,”Kainearlyscreamedintothephone.A pause.Kaitookinashudderingbreath.“BecauseIfreakedthefuckoutinmyfriend’s bathroomandmybrotherhadtocomerescueme.BecauseIfeelmoreoutofcontrol thanever.BecauseIkeepstrainingtohearoverthesoundofmypoundingheartforthe soundofalockclicking,andthere’sthismoment,whenIthinkmaybeI’mOK,butthen Ithink,whatifImissedit?Andthesilenceismoreterrifyingthananythingelse.”Kai’s voicehadspilledoutrapidly,almostincoherently,thepitchrisinginpanicuntilhewas forcedtotakeseveralstrangledbreaths,almostlikehewasdrowning. Kaiwasreallystrugglingforairnow,soJonlaidhisfreehandonKai’schestas agentle,wordlessreminderforhimtobreathe.Kaiattemptedafewslowbreaths, obviouslylisteningcarefullytowhatDr.Millerwassayingontheotherline. “Yes,”Kaisaid,andthatsinglewordheldmorepainthananyotherKaihad spoken.Joncouldn’tbegintoimaginewhatDr.Millerhadaskedhim.“Idon’t,”Kaisaid, inthatsamepainedvoice,“butIneedto,Ineedto.”Kai’svoicewasdesperate,almost pleading,andhe’dpulledhishandawayfromhislegs,whichwerethreateningtofallat anymoment,digginghisnailsintohiswrist.WhenJonsawhowKaiwasdoingsohard enoughtoleaveserious,almostskin-breakingmarks,hepulledKai’shandaway,holding ittight. Kai’seyefilledwithtears,andhestruggledtopullawayinitially,butdidn’t fightitlong,almostlikehedidn’thavetheenergy. “OK.No.Please.No.Ican’t...Ican’tbealone.AndIcan’t—”Kai’sbreath becamemorerapid,panicked.“Ican’tbelockedup.No.”Kaiclosedhiseyes,tookafew 209 deepbreaths.“Thankyou.No,Jonwillstaywithme....No....Youcantellhim.... OK.Thankyou.”KaiwascryingagainasheofferedthephonebacktoJon,buthewas calmernow,strugglingtoregulatehisbreathing. “Dr.Taylor?” “Yes.” “Ibelieveyourbrotherhadaflashback,hisfirst,andit’sobviouslyafrightening experience.He’sinaveryroughplacerightnow.He’sgivenmepermissiontotellyou whyhehasPTSDsoyoumightunderstandabitmorewhathappenedtoday.”Dr.Miller tookabreath.“WhenKaiwasachild,hewasabusedbyawomanwhofosteredhimfora summer.Inadditiontovariousformsofemotionalandphysicalabuse,sheusedtolock himinthebathroom,sometimesovernight.Onenightinparticular,hehadanasthma attack,andhedidn’thavehisinhaler.Hethoughthewasgoingtodie.” “Oh.”Dr.Miller’swordssunkindeeperasJonglancedathisbrother,curled up,cryingandtremblingonthebedbesidehim.“Oh,”Jonsaidagain,wordsfailinghim. JonknewKaineverlockedhimselfinthebathroom,buthadalwaysassumeditwasa hangoverfromCountyHouse.“Howoldwereyou?”JonaskedKai,whowasbusy tearingthesleeveofhisT-shirt,aloudrippingsounddisturbingtherelativequietofthe room. “Ten,”Kaisaid,almostwithoutinflection.Hiseyeswerevacant,thoughtears stillstreamedfromthem.Heseemedlikethepanichadsuckedhissouloutofhisbody. “Isuggesteda72-hourhold,butKaidoesn’twantthat,andconsideringhis history,Iwon’tforceitatthispoint.Buthereallyshouldbesupervised,”Dr.Millersaid inawarningtone.“Areyouabletodothatforhim?Atleastforthenextforty-eight hours.” “Yes,”Jonsaidwithouthesitation.Vickycouldn’tblamehimfortakingcareof Kaiwhenhewaslikethis. “TreathimwithValium,asneeded,tohelpwiththeanxietyandpanic,andI’ve agreedtoanemergencysessiontomorrowmorning.Butthemostimportantthing,asI toldyoubefore,istosupporthim.” “Ofcourse,”Jonsaidwithanod.“Thankyou.” “I’llkeepmyphonehandy;callmeagainifnecessary.” Kaihadwaiteduntilhe’dgottenhisemotionsundercontrolenoughhecouldwheel himselfoutonhisownpowerwithoutembarrassment.He’dapologizedtoDavid, promisinghe’dtexthimlater.He’dalsoaskedDavidtomakehisapologiestothe remainingguests,sincehedidn’thavetheenergyforthethirty-minute-plusgoodbyes thatDeafiesocialrulesrequired,whichincludedindividualattentiontoeachperson, andprobablyahugortwo. Beforeleaving,DavidhadsnaggedJon’sarmandpulledhimaside,anglinghis bodyandsigningclosetohischesttomakesurenoonewouldoverseewhathewas saying.“Sometimes,Kaidoesstupidthingswhenhe’supset.”Davidstaredhardinto Jon’seyes,asifdoinghisbesttoimpartmoremeaningwithoutfurthersigns.“Please watchhim.” Jonhadonlynodded,notsurewhatelsetosay.PerhapsDavid’shostilestares hadbeendirectedatJonnotforthefightsomuchasforpushingKaipasthislimit. Vickywascertainlyright:JonhadnevershedthetrulyCatholictraitofcarryingguilt, becauseJonagreedwithDavidthere. “Textmeifyouneedhelpwithhim,”Davidhadcontinued,signinghesitantly. 210 Then,toJon’ssurprise,Davidadded,“I’vehurthimtoo.” Kaihadwantedtodrivehimselfhome,butJonhadtakenhiskeyswhileKai wasstillinDavidandMegan’sbed,recovering,leavingthemwithDavidbeforetheyleft. Jonwasn’tgoingtorisklettingKaibehindthewheelwhenitwasstilllikelyKaicould sufferanotherflashbackandwhilehisemotionswerebarelycontained,hastilystitched uptokeepthematbayfromtheguests,thoughJonknewtheywereliabletoripopenat anysecond. Still,Kaihadinsistedhewasfine,thatJoncoulddrophimathomeandreturn toVicky,butevenwithoutDr.Miller’sandDavid’swarning,JoncouldseeKaihadn’t beenabletohidethepleading,ifguilty,lookinhiseyesthatsaidtheexactoppositeof hiswords:Please,pleasedon’tleavemealone. NowtheywereinKai’sroom,Kaitransferringtohisbed,thenjustsittingthere, hugginghimselftotrytohidethewayhewasshaking,again.“I’llbefine,”Kairepeated, tryingtokeephisvoicelevelbutnotquitesucceeding.“Youmovedout,remember?” Jonshookhishead,offeringKaiabottleofGatorade.“Iwasonlyplanningto stayawayfortheweek,”hesaidsimply,tappingoutseveralValiumsintohispalm.“Give usbothachancetocooloff.” “Everyonealwaysleavesme,”Kaimuttered,abandoningthebottlesohecould wraphisarmstighteraroundhislegs.“Whyshouldyoubeanydifferent?”Kai’swords hurt,butonelookathisbrothertoldhimthatagain,theyweren’tmeantasajab.Kai genuinelybelievedthem. Jonsighedsoftlyandsatnexttohisbrother.“Thisismyfault,isn’tit?” KailookedatJon,surprised.Thenheshookhishead.“Youwereright,the otherday.Ineedtotakeresponsibility.Peopleleavemebecauseofme.Everything that’shappenedtome,I’vedeserved.‘Youmakeyourbed,youlieinit,’right?”Kaiwas parrotingbackmoreofJon’sharshwordsfromtheirfightafewdaysbefore,andJon neverwishedhecouldtakewordsbackmorethanthose.Worse,Kaiwastryingforhis disaffectedmask,pretendingthatthosewordshadn’ttornhisheartout,butrightnow, theeffortwassuchitonlymadehimtrembleharder,andhelookedreadytobreakagain atanysecond. “Whenyouwere10,Iwas18.IfhadcomeforyouassoonasIwasalegaladult, insteadofwaitingeightmoreyearslikea...coward,wemightnotbesittingherelike thisrightnow.”HehandedKaithepills. Kainodded,almostareflex,though,andhurriedlystuffedthepillsinhis mouth,washingthemdownwithsomeofthesportsdrink. “Tellmewhatyouneed,”Jonsaidsimply.“Don’tbeashamed.Allofthiscan staybetweenus.” AlookofprofoundreliefsweptoverKai’sface.“I...”DespiteJon’sinvitation thatKaicouldsayanythingwithoutjudgment,Kaistillseemedtohesitate,sittingonhis handsasiftheydidn’tbelongtohimanditwashisonlywaytocontrolthem.Hiseyes scannedtheroomfrantically.KaistartedtotremblesohardJoncouldfeelitthroughthe mattress. Acreak—probablysomeonewalkingintheapartmentabovethem—sounded suddenly. “Thedoorisclosing!”Kaigaspedinpanic,reachingforhischairtotransfer,but inhispanickedhurry—andbecauseoftheshaking—thewheelchairmovedandKai misjudgedandfell.ButbeforeJoncouldreact,Kaiwasdragginghimselfacrossthe floor,pullinghimselfbackwardwithhisarms.ItwasthefastestJonhadeverseenKai 211 movewithouthischairoutsideofthewater.Aquickglanceatthedoorshoweditinthe samepositionithadbeenin,asfarasJoncouldtell. Kaididn’tstopuntilhe’dcoveredtheshortdistanceandbracedhimselfinthe doorway,breathinghardfromexertionandpanic,stilltremblingsubtly,hiseyesclosed, tearsvisibleonhischeeks. Fuck.“Kai,comebacktobed.Thedoorwon’tclose.Iwon’tletit.” Kaishookhishead,pulledhislegsupintoatuck,andwrappedhisarms aroundhimselfagain,shiveringviolentlyasifhewerecold. RealizingJonwasn’tgoingtobeabletocoaxKaitomoveashewas,he wanderedtheroom,hismindworking.Finally,hepulledKai’spsychologytextbookoff theshelf—he’ddroppedtheclassthissemesterbutplannedtotakeitinthespringwith thesameprofessor,sohe’dkepthisbook.Itwasatypicalcollegetextbook,hardcover andheavy.Jontuckeditunderonearm,thendisappearedintoKai’sbathroom, searchinginthebottomofthelinencabinetuntilhefoundwhathewantedbefore reemerging.Kaiwasshakinglessnow,thoughhehadadeathgriponhislegs,watching Jonwarily. WhenJongrewwithinafewfeetofhim,Kaisawthebookandimmediately buriedhisheadinhislegs,coveringhisheadwithonearm,beginningtotremblein earnestagain.“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry,”Kaipleaded,thewordsblurring together. Jon’sbrowsfurrowedinworry.HowbadhadthingsbeenforKaiwhenhewas akidthathewasreducedtothis?Jonspokesoftly.“I’mgoingtousethebooktoprop thedooropen,”Jonexplained,carefullywalkingaroundhisbrothertotheothersideof thedoor.“AndthenI’lltapethejamsoevenifthedoorweretoclose,itcan’tcatch.”Jon noticedKaipeekoutthroughhisarms,soheshowedhimthemedicaltapehe’d snatchedfromKai’sbathroom,leftoverfromhispost-transplantcare. Jonquicklysecuredthedoorashe’dexplainedhewould,thenreachedoutfor Kai. “No!Please!No!”Kaiscreamed,franticnow,shovingJonawayfromhim,then tryingtobackupfarther,buthewasinthedoorframeandhadnowheretogo.Hischest roseandfellinrapid,panickedbreaths. Jonwassavedfromfallingonhisassbytheothersideofthedoorframe.Ithurt likeamotherfucker,buttheValiumhadevidentlybeguntotakeeffect,Kai’spostureand muscletensionslackening,stealingsomeofhisstrength.“Kai.It’sJon.I’mnotgoingto hurtyou.”ButwheneverJongotwithinafootofKai,he’dlashout,hiseyeswidewith terror,hischestheaving,soJonsunkdownintoacrouchafewfeetaway,holdinghis handsup.“You’resafe,”JontriedtotellKai,butitwasclearhiswordsweren’tbeing heard. Kaiwasmumbling,crying,rockinghistorso,whackinghisheadagainstthe doorframe,anditscaredthefuckoutofJon,whokeptaneyeonhisbrotherwhilehe slowlypulledouthisphone,notwantingtomovetooquickly. “Dr.Miller,thankGod,”Jonsaidwhensheansweredafteronlyafewrings. Kaihadsunkdowntothefloor,weakfromtheValium,butstillhypervigilant, hyperventilating,sweatingprofusely,hiseyeswideinpanic.Anyminorthonkorwhoosh oftheplumbing,anychangeintheheatorthehumoftherefrigeratormadehimstartle, breathequickerandshallower. “Kai’slostit,”Jonsaidforlackofabetterterm. HeheardDr.Miller’ssigh.“Whathappened?” 212 “Hethoughtthedoorwasclosing,andthrewhimselfatit,andhewasjust... gone.Likeinthehospital,likehe’snothere.HethinksI’mgoingtohurthimandkeeps attackingmewheneverIgettooclose.” Kaiwasstillexceptfortheexcessivemovementofhischest,anoccasionalslow tremble,andthefingersofonehandrepeatedlypickingattheskinofhisoppositearm andwrist. “He’sprobablystuckinanothermajordissociativeflashback.Yougavehimthe Valium?” “Tenmilligrams.Heshouldbeunconscious.”WhileJonwaitedforDr.Millerto respond,hecreptcloser.“Kai,you’reOK,”hetried,butwhenKai’seyesmethis,the terrorincreasedahundredfold,andhepushedagainstthefloor,tryingtoincreasethe distancebetweenthem,butthankstoallthemusclerelaxant,hehadnostrength. Instead,heclenchedhiseyesshutandbeganbreathingevenfasterandshallower. “Doyouthinkyoucangethimtotakemore?” Jonpushedhimselftohisfeet.“No.Well,maybe,sincetheValium’sweakened him,Icouldshoveitdownhisthroat,but...”Jonpacedinatightcircle,hiseyesnever leavingKai.“Wait.Dr.GatesgaveKaisomeinjectablediazepamafterhislastmajor MLSflare-up.Hemightstillhavesome.” JondashedintoKai’sbathroom,doinghisbesttobequicksoKaiwouldn’tbe outofhissightlong,andthankfullyfoundwhathewaslookingfor.“Foundit,”Jonsaid intothephone.Hefilledasyringe,snaggedanalcoholswabpacket,anddashedback out.“Holdon,”JontoldDr.Miller.“I’mgoingtoneedbothhandsforthis.” JonfrownedwhenhesawKaihadmanagedtoscratchtheskinoffhisleftwrist inplaces,approachingcautiously.“Kai,I’mgoingtogiveyouashotthat’llmakeyoufeel better,OK?”Jonspokesoothingly,thoughhewasn’tsureifKaievenheardhim. Kaididn’trespond,andthoughheflinchedwhenJonshovedhisclothesoutof thewaytoexposehiship,heclearlydidn’thavethestrengthtofighthim,toJon’srelief. HeswabbedKai’sskin,theninjectedthemedicineintothemuscle.Hereachedouttotry topullKai’shandsapart,tostophimfromhurtinghimself,butitwasnouse.Kaidug hisnailsintoJon’swristinwarningandthenwentrightbacktopinchinghisskin. Jonsighed,snatchinghisphonefromwherehe’dleftit.“Nowwewait.” “Thatshouldknockhimout.What’shedoingrightnow?He’squiet.” Jonexplained,includinghowhe’dtriedtostopKaiandgottenhisownwrist scratchedupintheprocess. Dr.Millersighedgravely.“Ididn’twanttodothis,butperhapsweshould reconsiderhospitalization.Normally,I’dneedKai’sconsentunlesshe’dattempted suicide,butsinceyou’rehisproxy,ifwedeterminehe’snotmentallyfit,youcould—” “You’retalkinglockinghimupinthepsychward,potentiallyrestraininghim?” JonnoticedKai’seyelidsweregrowingheavy,andhispickinghadweakenedin intensity.Theextradrugwasbeginningtohithissystem. “Ifhe’sadangertohimselfandothers,yes.WecoulduseIVsedation,perhaps starthimonsomeothermedications.Gethimthroughthiscrisis.” Joncreptcloser,kneltbesideKai,whohadfinallyslippedinto unconsciousness,hischestbarelyrisingandfallingwitheachbreath.Joncouldn’tresist smoothinghisbrother’shair.“He’llseethatasabetrayal.LikeIabandonedhimagain,” Jonsaid,switchingthephonetothecrookofhisshouldersohecouldexamineKai’s wrists.Theywerered,andalittlebloody,butKaihadn’tactuallycausedmuchreal damage,theskinbarelybroken.“WegotintoafightTuesdayafternoon,andIsaidalot 213 ofhurtfulthingsIdidn’treallymean,”Jonconfessed,risingandgoingtothekitchento disposeoftheusedsyringeinthesharpscontainer.“Iaccusedhimofbeingselfish,I threatenedtomoveout,andcanceltheproxyshipsohecouldhavehisindependence.” “Isee,”Dr.Millersaidafteralongpause.“Isupposeyoucankeepaneyeon himfornow,andI’llkeepmyphonehandyifnecessary.” “Thanks,”Jonsaid,hisvoicedefeated. Kaiwokeslowly.Hisbodyfeltstrangelyheavy,weigheddown,unnaturallyloose,like partsofhimdidsometimesafteranMLSattackwhenhismuscleswouldgohypotonic andrefusetocontract.Hedidn’ttrytoopenhiseyes,buttheroomfeltstrangelycold andbright,eventhroughhisshutlids.Vaguely,heknewhewasbreathing,butitwas likehischestbarelymoved,eachbreathshallowandalmostnonexistent. Kaitriedtomove,buthisbodyresisted.Hefelthimselfpanic.Or,rather,the rushofpanicracedthroughhisthoughts,buthisbodydidn’trespond.Hisbreathing didn’tchange.Hisheart—hecouldstillfeelthat—continueditsslowdrumbeatinhis chest,thougheventhatdidn’tfeelquiteright.AndKaihaddefinitely—inhisheadat least—sprungup,handspushinghistorsoawayfromthebed,buthehadn’tmoved.It waskindoflikewhenhislegsrefusedtolistentohim.Nomatterhowmuchhefocused onmovinghisleftfoot,forexample,hismusclesrefusedtosomuchastwitchin responsetohiscommand,andithadbeenthatwaysolonghenevereventhoughtabout itanymore.Movingthatfootwithotherpartsofhisbody,ordraggingitfeltmore natural. Kaifocusedonhisheart.Itwasfuzzy,liketherestofhim.Andhereallywas cold.Washedead?Wasthiswhatdeathwas?Beingtrappedinyourbodyuntil,what, youwereburiedoritdecayedandthenyouwerefree?Ormaybehejusthadtoseparate himselffromit.Maybethat’swhyhefeltsoheavy.Buthowdidhedothat? Perhapshewasinthemorgue.Thatcouldexplainthecoldandthebrightness. Hadtheyguttedhimyet?Kaihaddonatedhisorgans—butnothisfullbody—toscience, sinceitwashighlyunlikelyanywouldbeviablefortransplant;he’dmadethedecision nearlytwoyearsagonow,figuringmaybepeoplelikeJoncouldlearnsomethingfrom hisfuckedupremnants.Wouldithurt,whentheycutintohim?Wouldhefeelhollow withouthisinsides?Couldghostsevenfeelpain—oranything,really?Becauseifhewere dead,thatdidmakehimaghost,right? Hedefinitelywasn’tinahospital,becausetheroomwastooquiet.Hecould heartheblowingofafan,orperhapstheclimatecontrolsystem,anddistantly,some plumbing,watermovingthroughpipes.Butotherwise,hewasalone.Nobeeping.No breathing.Noshufflingfeetorwhispers.Nothing. HewonderedwhatJonwoulddowithKai’sbody.Formonthsbeforehis transplant,JonhadtriedtogetKaitotellhimhiswishes—it’showthe“donatethe organs”thinghadcomeupandbeenarranged,paperworksignedwhileKaiwasstill cognizantenoughtodoso.Butmorethanthat,KaihadtoldJonhedidn’tcare.Maybeif he’drealizedhissoulorwhateverthehellitwasthatmadeushumanwouldhang aroundafterdeath,hewouldhaveinsistedonaveryspecificsendoff. Evendaysbeforehistransplant,whenKaicouldbarelycommunicateanymore, anditwasallbutcertainthatKaiwouldbedeadwithinafewdays,weeks,atmost,Jon hadtriedtogetKaitoimparthiswishes.Finally,Kaihadmanagedtoscrawlonasheet ofpaper,Fun4live-whtuwntfne.Ithadtakenhimseveralattemptstowritethis, needingtorestbetweeneachcouplewords,buthe’dbeenabletoconfirmwhenJonat 214 lastgotthemessage:Funeralsarefortheliving.Whateveryouwanttodoisfinewith me. Butnow,Kaiknewonethingwascertain:hedidn’twanttobeburied.Maybeif hisbodywouldburnhewouldceasetoexist,andhecouldn’tstandthethoughtofbeing inadark,lockedboxsixfeetunder.Forever.Orforhoweverlongthiswouldlast.Kai hadalwaysbelievedinreincarnationafterdeath—oneoftheluxuriesofgrowingupina homehadmeanthecouldformhisownbeliefsaboutlifeanddeathandGod.Butmaybe everyonehadbeenwrong.Eventheatheistshadn’tgottenitquiteright.Whenyoudied, youdidn’tceasetoexist,butrather,horrifyingly,youcontinued.Itjustwasn’tright. Thatpanicstartedtoformagain,notquiteexpressingitselfinhisbodytheway itnormallywouldhave,andtheinstincttotrytospeak—sincehislimbswouldn’tallow forsigning—burstthrough.Perhapsitwouldonlybelikeitwaswhenhewasakid, beforehisvocalchordsandlungsandtongueandmouthwouldaligninthecorrectway toproducesound,buthehadtotry. Don’tburyme,hethought. “Kai?”Avoice.Nearby.Jon?Maybethiswasawake?Kailaughedinhisheadat thethought. “Don’tburyme.”Kaitriedagain,andthistime,thewordstookform.Sortof.It soundedmorelike“Dohnbeary.” Jon’shandwasonKai’sforehead,smoothingit,beforehepeeledoneofKai’s eyesopenandshownalightintoit.Itwasso,sopainfullybright,butforafractionofa second,Kaigotaviewofhisbedroom.Wait.What? “Jesus.Iwasworried,”Johnsaidafterafewminutes,“thatyou’dOD’d.” What?Andforamoment,Kaiwassurehiseyebrowshaddippedthattime, thoughhekepthiseyesfirmlyclosed.Hefelthisbrother'shandsslippingsomethingon hisfinger,probablyapulseoximeter,thenacuffonhisarm.Ittightened,painfully,so thatmeanthewasstillalive,right?Wait.Kaiwasconfused.Hefeltthecuffslowly deflate,tillitfinallyreleasedcompletelywithahissandJonremovedit. Kairiskedopeninghiseyes,justaslit. “Ionlyleftyoualoneforaminute.Tocheckmybloodsugar.”Jonwasgripping oneofKai’shandspainfullytight.“WhenIcameback,itlookedlikeyouweren’t breathing,andyouwouldn’twakeup.” Drugs.Buthewashome.HadhetakentoomanyValiumtohelphimsleep?But thenKairememberedpanic,thoughtherestwashazy.“KillmyselfItry?”Thedrugsalso apparentlyeliminatedthecensorinhisheadthatwould’vekeptthatjustathought. Jonletoutalong,whooshingsigh.“No.God,no.It’smyfault.TheValium didn'tseemtobeworking,andyouweresoterrified.Dr.Millerthoughtafewmore milligramswouldknockyouout.Thoughtmaybeyourtolerancewashigh.Butitwas morethanyou’veevertakenoutsidethehospital.I’msorry.”Jonsmoothedsomehair outofKai’sface.“Howareyoufeeling?” “Dead,”Kaisaidbeforehecouldstophimself.Andsick,likehewasgoingto throwup,thoughhedidn’thavetheenergyforit. Jonmayhavefrowned,butKaiwasn’tsure.He’dlethiseyescloseagain. “How’syourbreathing?Shouldwegotothehospital?” Theimageofbeingstrappedtoastretcherandtrappedinsideatinyambulance sentanewrushofpanicthroughKai'sbrain,butapparentlythedrugswerekeepinghis bodyincheck.Kaimanagedtoshakehishead.“Helpmesit?” Kai’sbodywasloose—notquitelikeithadbeeninSeptember,whenhewason 215 acocktailofmusclerelaxants,includingMexitil,totrytokeephisbodyfrompulling itselfapartattheseams,buthecouldn’treallypushhimselfup,andhewaspretty certainthatevenifhecouldmanagethat,hewouldn’tbeabletoholdhimselfthere.Jon seemedtosensethis,soheshiftedKai’slegs,andthenKaifeltthemattressdip,then Jonliftinghimup,thoughbeingdeadweightdidn’thelp,especiallysinceJonwasn’tas strongashewas.Buthewasabletohelpalittle,andsoonJonhadKaisettled awkwardly,leaningagainstJon’schest,Jonapparentlyagainstthewall,hisarms helpingtokeepKaiupright. Sittinguphelpedthenauseaandhisbreathing.Kaiwasabletoopenhiseyes finallywithoutthelighthurtingtoobadly,andheglancedtowardthebathroom. Somethingaboutitwasn’tright,buthecouldn’tquitefigureoutwhatitwas.Helethis headfallbackonhisbrother’sshoulderbecausekeepingitupwastoodifficultright now. ButJonapparentlyhadfollowedKai’sgaze.“Itookthebathroomdooroffits hingeswhileyouwereout,”Jonexplained. Sothatwasit.Thedoorwasgone.Kaiwasn’tsurewhereJonhadputit—outin themainroom,maybe? “Ithoughtmaybeyouwouldn’tbeterrifiedofgoinginthereiftherewasn’ta door.” ArushofgratefulreliefsweptthroughKai.“Youbestbrother.”Dammit,now Kairememberedonereasonhedidn’tliketotaketoomuchValium.Toomuchraw honesty. “Reneecalledwhileyouwereout.Iletitgotovoicemail.” Kailethisheadrollwithgravitysothatitbarelystayedonhisbrother’s shoulder,closinghiseyesagain.Ifitweren’tforthefactthathesaidalmostevery thoughtthatsprangtohismind,hehadtoadmithefeltprettygoodrightnow.He hadn’tevenrealizedhowmuchmuscletensionhelivedwitheverydayuntilitwas suddenlyallblissfullygone.Wasthishowpeoplebecameaddicted? “YouloveVicky?”Kaiaskedlazily. Kaifelthisbrother’sdeepbreath.“Yes.Yes.Ido.” “Sheloveyou?” “Yes.Ifshedidn’t,shewouldn’tputupwithmyshit,”Jonaddedwithaslight laugh. “IthinkIloveRe.Ithinkshelovesme.But.” “But?” “Butshedoesn’tknowme.”Kaiwassorelaxedandsecurerightnowhecould fallasleepagain,butatthesametime,agnawinginthebackofhisbrainseemedto whisper,Don’tfallasleep.Keepvigilant.Andthenhesuddenlyrememberedthefreak outatDavid’shouse,thereasonhewasdopedupandtellingthingstoJonhewouldn’t tellanyone,exceptmaybeDr.Miller,behindcloseddoors.Hefelthisheartlurch,likea cartryingtoturnoverincoldweather,likeitwantedtoracebutthedrugswereholding itback.“I’msofuckedup.” PerhapsJonmisinterpretedwhatKaimeant,figuringhewasreferringtohow incrediblystonedhewasrightnow.“Ishouldn’thavegivenyousomuchdiazepam.I’m sorry.” Kailaughed,farlongerandlouderthanheshouldhave,andavoiceinsideof himwasscreaming,Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?Shutup!“Iwouldhaveslitmy wristsifyouhadn’t.”Fuck,Kaithought.Ihadn’tintendedtosaythatoutloud. 216 Especiallysincethatwouldn’tevenbeKai’sfirstchoiceforsuicide. KaifeltJonstiffen. Kaivaguelyrememberedpowerful,irrationalpanic,embarrassinghysteria, desperationtogetoutsidehisheadanywayhecould.Adiazepamshotandthesleepof thedead.Sleepofthedead.Ha.ThatmadeKaigiggle. KaisensedJon’sangerbeforehisbrotherevenmovedorspoke.Somehow, fasterthanKai’sdrug-soakedmindcouldprocess—JonshiftedtheirpositionssoKaiwas onhisback,Jonloomingoverhim.“Isthisfunnytoyou?” KaiblinkedatJon,strugglingtofocushisvision.“Ithinkaboutitsometimes,” Kaiadmittedwhilehisinternalvoiceyelled,SHUTUP! JonstareddownatKaithoughhedidn’ttrytopinhim,likelyassumingKai couldn’tresistrightnowanyway.Afaintfeelingofreliefwashedoverhim. Kailaughed,butitwasn’tahappysound.“You’dbebetteroffwithoutme.No onetofuckupyourlife.YoucouldmarryVicky,ornotmarryher,guiltfree.”Kaigaveup tryingtofocushiseyes,soheletthemshut.“Itwouldbeeasy,too,”Kaicontinuedinhis nonchalantvoice.“ValiumplusMexitil.Seewhichstoppedfirst:mybreathingormy heart.” “Stopit,”Jonsaid,thewordscomingoutlikeahiss. “IfIwasdead,thecommitteecouldn’tblamemeanymore.Martincouldgethis transplant.” KaicouldfeelJon’sangryglarethroughhisclosedlids.“Youdon’tunderstand whyIwassoangryaboutthecommitteemeeting,doyou?”Jonpaused,asifwaitingfor Kaitosaysomething,butwhenhedidn’t,Joncontinued,“Idon’twantMartintodie.I don’twantanyofmypatientstodie.Istillthinkthecommitteeisabunchofoldfashioned,stick-in-the-mud,narrow-mindedassholeswhocouldn’tseethetruthifit waspinnedtotheirnose.ButIlostmytemper,reallylostmytemper,becauseIhadto findoutfromDr.Johnsen’spresentationthatyoualmostdied,Kai.”Jon’svoice changed,becomingmorehonest,sadder,somehow,andhesunkdown,asifindefeat. “DoyouhaveanyideahowgettingacallfromtheER—afteritwastoolate—wouldhave destroyedme?” Kailetthissoakintothemurkofhisbrain.Hefeltpowerfullynauseated.He mayevenhavedryheaved,becauseJonrolledhimontohisside. “I’msuchanasshole,”KaimutteredasJonarrangedhislimbsintherecovery position.“Worthless.Disgusting.”Kaigaggedagain,andpartofhimwishedhewould throwup,becausemaybethenhe’dfeelbetter.“That’swhyshelockedmeup,you know.”Hedidn’tevenreallycareanymorethathisbrainwasleakingdirectlyouthis mouth.Thatwasn’ttheonlythingleaking,herealized,astearstraileddownhischeeks, catchingonthebridgeofhisnose.“Goddammit.”ItworriedKai,alittle,thatJonhad saidnothing,butthen,whatwasthereforJontosay?“Justgivememoredrugsand shutmeup.” “Isthatwhathappened?Thatwoman...shedruggedyoutokeepyouquiet?” Kaifoundhimselflaughingagain,thoughhewasstillcrying,andaremote cornerofhismindpointedouthowstrangethatwas,butlikehisinabilitytofilterhis thoughts,hecouldn’tsuppresshisemotionsrightnow,either,apparently.“Iwasmute. Shedidn’tneedtodrugme.Justlockmeawaysoshedidn’thavetolookatme,either.” Jonsighed,butitwasn’tafrustratedsound.“Idon’tknowwhattowithyou,” hesaid,almosttohimself. “Neitherdidshe.”Kaitriedtoseeifhecouldfindtheedgeofthedrug,letit 217 pullhimbacktosleep,butapparentlyenoughhadwornofftokeephimawake.His mindrefusedtobeshutoff,andhewasremindedofonereasonhehatedValiumso much:ittookashitloadofittohaveaneffect,andthen,unlesshekepttakingit,itdidn't last,leavinghimnauseous,groggy,sluggish,andhungover. KaifeltJonclimboutofbed,andasinkingfeelinghithim:hisbrotherhadhit histhreshold.Everyonehadone,andJonhadapparentlydecidedKaiwassimplymore troublethanhewasworth.Kaiwondered,distantly,howmuchlongeritwouldtake Reneetofigureoutthesamething.Kaistrainedhisearsforthesoundofdisappearing footsteps,bracedfortheinevitabilityofdoorsshutting.Maybe,ifhereallyconcentrated, he’devenhearacardrivingaway. Instead,heheardJonmovingquietlybesidehim,feltthepulseoximeterbeing slippedontohisfingeragain,thecuffoftheautomaticbloodpressuredevicebeingfixed onhisarm.Jonwasn’tleavinghim;hewastakingKai’svitals. “Jesus,Kai.Yourpulseisracing,”Jonsaidafteraminute,thensoftlysmoothed Kai’shair. Kaisquintedhiseyesopen,butcouldn’tseemuchsinceJonwasstanding.“I’m stillfreakingoutinside,buttheValium’skeepingmostofmybodyincheck.” Kaicouldalmosthearhisbrother’sfrown.Thebloodpressurecuffbeeped. “You’restillfeelingthemusclerelaxanteffectsbutnottheCNSones,”Jonmutteredto himselfasheremovedthecuff.“Dammit.” KaiwassorelievedJonwasn’treallygivinguponhim,hewasspeechless. Joncheckedhiswatch.“How’syourstomach?” Itwasempty,andangry,buthe’dfeltmuchworse.“I’lllive.” Jonsighedheavily.“IfyoupromisetodrinkabottleofGatoradeandeata sandwich,I’llletyouhavesomemoreValiumsoyoucansleep,andwe’llcallitanearly night.Fair?” “OK,”Kaisaid.“Butnothere.I...”Hecouldn’tevensaywhy,maybebecause he’dspentmostofthedayfreakingoutinhisroom,buthejust...hecouldn’tsee himselfbeingabletosleephere. “Fine.Idon’treallywanttosharethatnarrowbedwithyouanyway,theflooris hardandcold...” Kaihadavaguememoryofpassingoutinhisdoorway,likehisaunthadbeen there,tryingtodraghimintothebathroom,butitfeltlikeadream.Ithadtobeadream. Butwasit?Wasthatwhentheshothadhappened?Hisheadwasmuddled.Dammit. “AndI’mdefinitelynotleavingyoualone.”Jonpaused.“WillyoubeOKfor like,oneminutewhileIgetthefood?”Jon’snervousnessanduncertaintywaspalpable. “Yeah.Just...don’ttaketoolong.”Kaiwinced.“Iwon’tdoanythingstupid.If Istartpanicking,I’llscream.”Itwasonlypartiallyajoke,especiallysinceKaicouldfeel sweatbreakingoutonhisneckdespitethefactthathewascold. Jonsatdownontheedgeofthebed,andwhenKaiforcedhimselftolook,he couldseeJon’sfacewasserious,concerned.“Exceptthosetwelveyearswewereapart— whichI’llneverbeabletomakeupfor—I’vealwaystakencareofyou.AndIalwayswill, aslongasyouneedme.Iwon’tletanythingbadhappentoyou.” Kaibreathedslowlyforseveralseconds.“Dr.Msaysnoonecanprotectanyone fromeverything.” Jonlaughed,asurprisedsound,likehehadn’tintendedto,finishingitwitha gentlesigh.“It’strue.God,it’strue.Butitdoesn’tmeanIcan’ttry.”Jonsmoothedsome ofKai’shairoutofhisface.“Thingswillhavetochangewiththebaby,butyouwill 218 alwaysbemybrother,andifyouneedme,Iwillbethere.” Kaifelttearspricklinginhiseyes.Again.Dammit,dammit,dammit.“Idon’t wanttoneedanyone,”KaiadmittedwithlingeringValiumhonesty. “Iknow,”Jonsighed.“But—” “Yeah,everyoneneedssomeonesometimes.I’vegottenthatspeechmorethan oncefromDr.M.”Kaiwasn’tsureifsnippinesswasasignhewasmoreofhimselfor thathewasheadingforanotherbreakdown.Atthismoment,itreallycouldswingeither way,andthetearssuggestedthelatterratherthantheformer.“I’msuchafucking mess,”Kaisaid,halfsobbingnow.“IwishIcouldbelikeyou.” Jonlaughed.“Grassisalwaysgreener,”hesaid.“I’mnotastogetherasIseem, andifitweren’tforVicky,Ineverwouldhavesurvivedthepastfouryears.Ineed someonesometimes,too.” Kaiwassurprisedbyhowmuchthatadmissionmadehimfeelbetter:Jon alwaysseemedtobesofocused.Hedidn’tgetdistracted,andthoughhewasn’tquiteas goodatmodulatinghisemotionsasKaiwas(whenhewasn’tfreakingout,anyway),his brotherhadacertaincalm,comfortingnaturethatKaihadalwaysenvied. “You’llgetthroughthis,”Jonsaid,squeezingKai’shand.Andforthefirsttime thatday,Kaibelievedhim. Davidwasn’tsurewhatirritatedhimmore.Thefactthathewascavinginand attemptingtostealmedicalrecords,puttinghimselfnotonlyinjeopardyofjailtime,but alsolosingMegan’strustandlove,orthatKaihadbeenright.Thanksgivingnighthad meantaskeletonstaffinmostofthehospital,andthosewhowereworkingwere primarilytemps,newbies,andresidentswho’dforgottenwhatsleepwas. IthadbeenridiculouslyeasytoslipthroughthebusyER,findasupplycloset, andpullonapairofscrubs.Hethencarefullydouble-checkedhisphonesettingsto makesureitwouldn’tringandblowhiscover,plugginginapairofheadphoneshe’d pilferedfromMegan.Hisphonewasn’tcapableofplayingmusic,butinhisscrubshirt pocket,itwouldatleastgivetheillusionofoneofthosedigitalmusicplayerthingslike Meganwantedwhentheycouldaffordtospendthatkindofmoney.Itwasapaper-thin disguise,buthopefully,it’dbeenough. Feelingridiculous,Davidstuffedtheearbudsineachear,frowning.Theywere uncomfortable,makinghisearsache.Heshookhishead,rolledhisshoulders.Kaihad outlinedexactlywhereheneededtogo,andremindedhimifhewalkedwitha combinationofpurposeandboreddistraction,noonewouldnoticehim. Itworked;acouplefemalenursesmerelypausedtocheckhimout.Heknewhe wasn’thandsome,atleastnotlikeKai(althoughKaineverseemedtorealizehow innatelygoodlookinghewas),buthe’dbeentoldmorethanoncehewasstriking. Largelybecauseofhishair,thoughhe’dcovereditwithacapsinceitwassuchan intensereditwouldmakeiteasyforsomeonetoidentifyhimlater,ifitcamedowntoit. Hewassurprisedbyhoweasyitwastosneakdownintothebasement,andthe simplicityofthelockontherecordsroomdoor,whichhepickedeasily.Hehadexpected moresecurity,perhapskeycardlocks,butpresumablythehospitaldidn’tcaretoomuch abouttherecordsfordeceasedpatients,particularlysincethisroomapparentlyonly heldrecordsolderthantenyears. Thankfully,theroomwasneatandlookedorganized,thoughitwasdustyanda littledark.Kaihadexplainedthattheroomwasadisasterthelasttimehe’dsnuckdown there,afewyearsbeforehistransplant,andsodustythathe’dbarelylastedafew 219 minutesbeforecoughingandwheezingforcedhimtoabandonhisquest. AsDavidimmediatelydoveintothefiles,hewonderedifthehospitalhad begundigitizingsomeoftheoldrecords,andintheprocesshadputthehardcopiesin order.Whateverthereason,itdidn’ttakeDavidlongtofindthemonthandyearhewas lookingfor,andthefilesfortheTaylors. Hefrowned.Theyweresurprisinglythin,asiftheyonlyhadasinglesheetof paperinthem.EvenifKai’sfatherhadbeenhealthyandneverbeentothehospital exceptwhenbroughtinafterhisdeath,DavidknewKai’smotherhadgivenbirththree timesinthishospital.Certainly,atleasttherecordsfromthosestayswouldbehere. Glancingoverhisshouldertomakesurehewasstillalone,heflippedeach openandnotedthathisinitialimpressionwascorrect.Thefolderswerebareexceptfor eachperson’sdeathrecordandpostmortem.Awaveofirritationflaredattheideathat he’dgonethroughallthistrouble—includingsneakingoutofhishouseinthemiddleof thenight—fornothing,sohecheckedacoupleoftheotherpatients’filestoconfirma potentialsuspicion. UnliketheTaylors,alltheotherfileswerefilledwithallkindsofrecords,from nurses’notes,doctors’orders,andtestresults.Itmeantthatsomeonehadtakenthereal filesforBryanandAnnTaylorandleftthesebare-bonesduplicatestopreventsuspicion. Afterall,howmanypeoplewouldreallylookfortherecordsforpeoplewhohadbeen deadsixteenyears? Onlytwopeoplewouldbeinterested,andDavidwaslookingononeoftheir behalf.WhichmeantJonhadobviouslytakenhisparents’recordsatsomepoint.But why? ItwouldhavebeeneasyenoughforDavidtogohome,totellKaithequesthadbeena bust,buteventhoughKaihadchosenhisrealbrotheroverhim,Davidfeltacertain obligationtoKai,asifmaybebeingaroundabunchofstrangerswhenhe’dalreadybeen inaprecariousmoodhadpushedhimovertheedge,whichwouldn’thavehappenedif Davidhadn’tinsistedKaicomeoverforThanksgivingdinner.Kaicouldbeabitbipolar whenitcametopeople;eitherheputonhisfriendly,affablemaskthatnoonewould evenknowwasafront,orhebecameanxious,withdrawn,andbarelycommunicative. Jon’sofficehadbeeneasyenoughtofind,tuckedawayinacornerofthesixth floorwithseveralotherpulmonologist’soffices.Fortunately,itlookedlikeonlythestaff doctorshadofficeshere,andwiththeholiday,theywerealloffduty,sothehallwaywas isolatedandempty,givingDavidtimetopickthelock—anothereasyone(thishospital reallyneededtoreconsideritssecuritymeasures)—andtaketimetosearchforthefiles. Jon’sofficewasdecentlysized,largeenoughforagenerousdesk,several bookshelvesandfilingcabinets,andacouchthatlookedlikeitgotquiteabitofuse. DavidnoticedthatthefurniturewasarrangedtogiveKaienoughspacetomaneuverin itonwheelsorcrutches,thoughitwasn’tnearlyasneatasDavidwouldhaveexpected. HehardlyknewJon,andwhathedidwasprimarilyfromthelittlebitMeganorKaitold himsecondhand,buthe’dpicturedJonasthetypeofpersontobealmostpathologically organized.DavidhadimaginedJon’sofficewouldlooklikealabelmakerexploded,with everythingmeticulouslylabeledandcolor-coded. Instead,itwasmorelikeorganizedchaos.Thebookshelveswereoverflowing withmedicaltextbooksandjournals,withbothstackedineverypossiblefreespace, swampingtheotherwiseneatlyarrangedshelves.Jon’sdeskwassimilarlymessy,butin acalculatedway,withcarefulpilesstackedatanglesontopofeachother,andhis 220 computermonitoramessofcoloredpost-itsstuckallover,tricklingontothedesk surface.ItwasasifJonhadorganizedeverythingatsomepoint,thensimplygottentoo overwhelmedandmanagedacompromisebystackingandsortinghaphazardlyashe went. Davidactuallyfounditalittleamusing,becauseKaiwaskindoflikethat,too. Ononehand,hewasinclinedtowardneatness(David’stendencytobeaslobconstantly causingproblemsbetweenthemovertheyearstheysharedaroom).Butontheother, whenthingsgotmorecomplicated(likesuddenlyhavinganinfluxofpaperworkor bookshehadtoworryabout),Kaigotstressedeasilyandfoundtryingtokeepthings straighttoooverwhelming,resortingtoaconfinedmessnotunlikeJon. Forexample,ithadn’tsurprisedDavidtofindthatKaihadaregimented, obsessivelyorganizedsystemforhisdailymedicationregimen,butallhisaccessory drugs—themedshetooksymptomaticallyoronlywhenhisMLSflaredupbadly—were notsomuchorganizedasgatheredtogetherinlittlevillagesofprescriptionbottlesthat bloomedupononesurfaceoranother. Surveyingtheroom,DavidtriedtothinkwhereJonwouldkeephisparents’ records.Jonmusthaveknowntakingthosefileswaswrong,ifnotillegal,hencethe flimsycover-up,sotherewasagoodchancehe’dhiddenthem.Infact,Davidrealized, Jonmightnotevenhavekeptthemhereatall.Still,themostobviousplacetolook—the filingcabinets—mightbeasgoodahidingplaceasany,simplybecauseitwassuchan obviousplacetoputanything. Aquicksurveyofthefilingcabinetsdidn’trevealwhathewaslookingfor,butit waspossiblethatJoncouldhavemisfiledtherecordstoconcealthem.Davidreachedfor thetopdrawertopullitopen,butitwouldn’tbudge.Locked.Andnotwithakey;this oneapparentlyusedasix-digitcombination.Hefrowned.Thatwouldbeagoodplaceto keepfilesyoudidn’twantanyonetoknowyouhad.Unlesstheykneworcorrectly guessedthecombination,itwouldbevirtuallyimpossibletopickwithoutdestroyingthe lockorcuttingopenthedrawerwithsomeserioustools.MathhadneverbeenDavid’s forte,butheknewthepossibilitiesofasix-digitpasswordwithtenpossibledigitshadto beinthemillions. AllDavidcoulddowastryafewpossibilitiesbasedonthelittleheknewabout Jonandhopeforthebest.Itwouldbefrustratingtohavegonethroughallthistrouble andriskfornothing,butsincethefilingcabinetlookedlikeaparticularsturdyfire-proof model,itwasunlikelyhe’dgetthedraweropenevenifhehadacrowbar. Takingamomenttothink,Davidenteredthefirstpossiblecodehecouldthink of:Kai’sbirthday,day,month,andyear,twodigitseach.Heenteredthenumbers,then pulledonthedrawer,surprisedwhentheexpectedresistancewasn’tthereandthe draweropened.DavidwonderedifJonrealizedhowdisturbinglypredictablehewas. Itdidn’ttakelongforDavidtofindthefiles,thoughtheywerewedgedinthe backandnotlabeled.Bryan’swasthin;notmuchthickerthanthefakeoneinthe recordsroom.Apparently,unlikehisyoungestson,he’dbeenahealthyman.Ann’s,on theotherhand,wasanotherstory,takingupmostofthedrawer.Itmeantoneoftwo things:eitherAnnhadhadherownphysicalailments,or,consideringKai’srationalefor wantingtoseehermedicalrecordsinthefirstplace,shehadbeenmajorlymentallyill. Davidwastemptedtoflipthroughthefilesformorethanmereconfirmation thattheywereallhers,toseewhatitwasthathadcreatedsuchahugepapertrail,but quicklydecidedagainstitasheshovedthefilesintothebaghe’dbroughtwithhim.They wouldn’tallfit;he’dhavetocarrytherest,buthopefullynoonewouldquestionwhya 221 guyinscrubswascarryingabunchoffiles. Still,Davidcouldn’tgetoutofhisheadhowlost,howgoneKaihadlookedthat afternoonafterhisfightwithhisbrother,orhowclearlyterrifiedandbarelytogetherKai wasthatafternoon.WhateverKaiwasdealingwithatthemoment,perhapsreading abouthismotherwouldn’tbehealthy.Davidcouldalwayspretendhe’dnevercomein searchoftherecords;afterall,he’dinsistedhewouldn’t.Orhecouldhandthemover later,whenKaiwasfeelingmoreofhimself.Iftherewerethingsinthesefilesthat pushedKaiovertheledge,Davidwouldneverforgivehimself. Butontheotherhand,whatiftheyhelpedKai?Davidknewnothingabout Kai’smother,becauseKaihadalwaysclaimednottorememberher. AsDavidcarefullyemergedfromJon’soffice,makingsurethedoorwouldlock behindhim(unlessJoncheckedthelockeddrawer,he’dneverknowDavidhadbeen there),hedecidedhe’dgiveKaithechancetomakehisowndecisionabouttherecords. Afterall,Kaiwasanadult. Besides,Davidalreadyfeltlikehe’dbetrayedKaioncebynotmakingmoreof anefforttocheckinonhimafteragingout.Yeah,lifehadbeentoughforDavid,butit hadn’tbeeneasyforKai,either.AndifJonhadn’tcomeforKaiwhenheturned18? Davidtrieddesperatelynottothinkaboutthat,knowinghowsickKaihadgotteneven witharoofoverhisheadandfoodandmedicine. IfKaifoundoutDavidhadgottentherecordsandnevergiventhemtohim.... ItwasagoodbetKaiwouldneverforgiveDavid. AndthatwasnotsomethingDavidwaswillingtolethappen. 222 Flashback:June26,1996 JonwassurprisedtofindKaistandingoutsideCountyHouse,leaningsidewaysagainst thefrontdoorsinthemeagershadecastbythebuilding,hisarmsfreedfromtheir crutches,whichstoodbesidehim,carefullypositionedsotheywouldn’tfall.Kai’seyes wereclosed,andJoncouldseehisshouldersandchestworking,onehandonaninhaler heapparentlyworearoundhisneck.ItmadeJonfrownreflexively,butKaiseemedto haveagreedtoJon’sofferofaplacetostayasalastresortandthepromiseofa wheelchairofhisownandnotoutofanyrealdesiretorekindletheirrelationshipor makeupformorethanadecadeapart.Kaiwasanangry,bitterteenager,astranger,and Jonhadtorememberhisbrotherwasn’tthesweet,innocentkidofJon’smemory,buta manwhohadprobablylivedamuchharderlifethanJoncouldimagine. KaiworeafadedblackT-shirtandwornjeanswithholessolargeatthesidesof thekneesJoncouldseethemetalofKai’sbracesbeneath,theobviousculpritforsaid gashes.ThepantsandshirtlookedacouplesizestoobigforKai’snarrow,thinframe.An equallyrattybackpackclungtoKai’sback,lookingsuspiciouslyempty,andwhenJon casthiseyesdown,henoticedKai’sshoes.Theywereinaboutasbadshapeastherestof Kai’soutfit,beat-upleatherlaceupswithmetalfixedtoeachheelleadingupintoKai’s pants,likelyattachedtohisbraces.Joncouldseethetopedgeofeachshowedthe outlineofKai’stoes,suggestingKaihadoutgrownthemlongenoughtodeformthe leather. ClothesshoppingforKaiwoulddefinitelyhavetobeanotherthingtoaddtohis list.Alongwithatriptotheorthotist.Kai’sfeetwouldbecomedeformed—iftheyweren’t already—iftheydidn’tdosomethingabouthisshoessoon. “Goodmorning,”Jonventuredashedrewcloser. Kaiopenedhiseyes,nodded,andadjustedhisweightsohewasn’tleaning againstthewall,tuckingtheinhalerunderhisshirt. “Where’syourstuff?”Jonaskedreflexively. Kaiblinkedathim,andforamoment,JonwonderedifmaybeKaihadn’t understoodhim.Instead,Kaisighed,repliedinhisoddASL-grammarEnglish,his pronunciationalittlethickandnasally,butclearenough,“Ihavestuffnone.Iamlucky. Why?TheWardenallowmekeepmybraces,”hehesitatedamoment,concentrating, beforeaddinginmorecorrectEnglish,“andapairofcrutches.”Evidently,Kaiwasfluent inEnglish,butitdidn’tcomeeasilytohim. Jonnodded,notsurewhattosaytothat.Herememberedhisyearinfoster carebeforehe’dbeenadopted,howhe’dmovedfromhometohome,sometimesafter onlyafewweeks,leavingwithnothingbuttheclothesonhisbackandthesingle photographhe’dmanagedtoholdontoaftertheirparentsdied.EventhoughKaihad livedherefortwelveyears,JonhadtoremindhimselfthatKaihadn’ttheluxuryof personalpossessions.Apparently,asinsaneasitwas,thewomanwhorantheplace— JonrememberedhernamewasEvans—couldhavekickedKaioutwithoutevenhis mobilityaids.NowondertheprospectofhisownwheelchairhadmadeKai’seyes sparkle. “Allright.Well,Happybirthday,”Jonsaid,buthiswordslosttheirpunchat thedeadlookinhisbrother’seyes.Joncertainlyhadhisworkcutoutforhim,itseemed. Didhereallywanttoworkwithteenagers?Jonclearedhisthroat,stretchedahandout totakeKai’scrutchesforhim;apparently,withhisbraces—whichJonrealizedKai 223 hadn'tbeenwearingtheotherdaysincehe’dbeenbarefoot—Kaididn’tneedthem.Kai’s glarewasscathing,andhetooktheminhandhimself. “Don’tneedyouhelpme,”Kaisaidfirmly. Joncontainedhissigh.Kaiapparentlywasn’tabigfanofbeingassisted—or prepositions.“Allright.Let’sgetinthecaranddecidewhatyouwanttodofirst.” Kaihadoptedforhisbirthdaypresentfirst,soJonhaddriventothestoreacrossthe streetfromthehospital,givinguponanyattemptstomakeconversationwithKaionce theirdestinationhadbeenestablished. Astheymadetheshortdrive—CountyHousewasonlyminutesawayfrom JMH,afterall—Joncouldn’thelpcastingtheoccasionalsurreptitiousglancehis brother’sway.Kaihadhisforeheadleanedagainstthewindow,staringoutvacantlyat thescenery,silentexceptforhisraggedbreathing.Apparently,despitehowitpained Jon’searstohearit,thatwasnormalforKai. Theyfinallypulledintotheparkinglotofthestore,whichadvertisedrentals andsalesofmobilityequipmentlikewalkersandwheelchairs,aposterofasmilingold womanwithawalkerdominatingthefrontwindow. Kailookeduncertain,staringstraightaheadnow,pullingattheloosestringsof hisknees. “Thisismybirthdaypresenttoyou,OK?”Jonsaid,speakingslowlyandevenly thewayhewouldtoanervouspatient.“It’llbeyours.Soyoucangetwhateveryou want.” KaiturnedhisheadandstudiedJonforamoment,hisfaceblank.Jonwasn’t certainwhatwasgoingthroughhisbrother’shead,butfinally,Kaibroughtahandtohis mouth,drawinghisflathandoutanddown.Jonrememberedthatsign.Thankyou,Kai hadsaid. Inside,thestorefeaturedafewexpensiveelectricscooters,obviouslytargeting thegeriatricdemographic,awallofwalkersofvariousstylesandfeatures,andsome basicfoldingwheelchairs,includingseverallightweightmodels,again,intendedforthe elderlypopulation.Towardthebackwereafewofthebulkierfoldingmodelsnottoo dissimilartotheonesusedatJMH,lookinglikeclumsy,ancienthulksofmetalbeside thefewsmaller,sleekersolid-framechairsondisplay. Kaiimmediatelygravitatedtowardthose,hiswalksurprisinglygood,thoughhe clearlywasstrongeronhisrightthanhisleft,relyingonthatsidetohelppullhisleftleg forwardwitheachstep.JonwatchedKaiforamomentuntilthesalespersonapproached Jon,drawinghisattentionawayfromhisbrother. “CanIhelpyou?” “Uh,yeah.I’dliketoorderalightweightwheelchairformybrother,”Jonsaid, noddinghisheadtowardKai,whowasplayingaroundwithoneofthefloormodels, eventhoughitwasclearlytoosmallforhim,hislonglegsstickingout. “Ofcourse.Wehaveacouplebasicmodels,andthenafewmorethatallow morecustomization.Icanpullafewcatalogs,tooifyouwant.”Thesalesperson,whose namewasClydeaccordingtohisnametag,duckedaroundthecounterandstarted searchingthroughtheshelves. Jonnoticedthecrutcheshungonthewallneartheregister,mostlythe temporaryaxillarykind,thoughtheydidhaveacouplepairsofadjustableforearmones nottoodissimilartothekindKaihad.Asignbesidethemannounced,Wedocustom orders! 224 Jonpointed.“Whatdoesthatmean?” ClydeheavedastackofcatalogswithnameslikeColoursandTiLiteand followedJon’sfinger.“ForcustomerswhouseLofstrandsregularly,wecanmeasureand orderthemtosize,sotheydon’thavethenoiseofpins.Plusthecustomonesare sturdier,lesslikelytobreak,andlastlonger.Moreexpensive,ofcourse,butthe handgripsandthecuffscanbecustomized,too.Also,wecangetthemindifferent colors,especiallyinthepediatricsizes.” Jonnodded,openedhismouthtoaskanotherquestionwhentherewasaloud crashfromthebackofthestore.JonturnedhisheadbutallhesawwasKai’sakimbo legsandfeetandaspinningwheel. Clydehadgonealittlepaleandrushedtotheback,soJonjoinedhim. Kaihadapparentlytippedover,dumpedpartiallyoutofthewheelchair, perhapsnotusedtothelighter,morenimblechair,orperhapsbecausehiscenterof gravitywasoffduetothechairnotfittinghimproperly.Whateverhadhappened,hewas strugglingtogetbackup,fightingwiththelockononeofhiskneesandthechairitself, whichkeptwantingtotipeverytimehetriedtogetbackintoit. Bynow,Jonhadlearnedtokeephisdistance,butthesalespersondidn’tknow anybetter,andswoopedin.“Thismodelisalittletippy,”hesaidtoKai,lockingthe wheels.“Makesiteasiertomaneuver,butit’snotforeveryone,andittakessome adjustment.”Clydeheldthechairsteady,whichenabledKaitofinallytransferbackinto itfromthefloor.“Isthisyourfirstwheelchair?” JonnoticedKaiactedlikehedidn’tevenhearClyde,andJonwasn’tsureifKai wasangryorembarrassedbythespill,orthatClydehadhelpedhim,orwhat.Kai pushedtotheotherfloormodellightweightchairs,testingthe“tippiness”ofallofthem, continuingtoignoreClyde,whowasregalingthefeaturesofeach. ClydelookedconfusedandbegantalkingtoJoninstead,occasionallyglancing atKaiasiftoincludehim,thoughKaiwasengagedintryingeachmodelout, transferringinandoutofthembeforefinallytakingoffaroundthestoreinthethird one. “CP?”Clydeaskedonceitwasjustthetwoofthem,casuallyobservingKai wheelingaroundthestore.Thismodelfithimalittlebetter,thoughhestilllookedeven moreganglyinitthatusual. Jonhesitatedinreplying.Clydewaslikelyaskingsohecouldbetter recommendoptionsforthem,butMLSwasaveryraredisease;evenifClydehadspent yearsworkinginthebusiness,hemightnotbefamiliarwithit.“Hehasaformof musculardystrophywithCP-likefeatures,includingoccasionalhighmuscletoneand spasms.He’sneverhadawheelchairofhisownbefore.Buthe’dlikeone,foraroundthe houseorwhenhe’stired.”Inthebackofhismind,JonwonderedifKaiwouldbe annoyedwithJonforspeakingforhimlikethis,butKaihadhadplentyofopportunity totalktoClydehimselfandhadn’tseemedparticularlyinterested. Clydenodded.“Howoldishe?” “Eighteen.” ClydegesturedforJontofollowhimbacktothecounter,whereheflipped throughoneofthecatalogs.“Meanshe’sprobablystillgrowing.”Heflippedsomemore. “Doyouknowwhatfeaturesaremostimportanttohim?Weight,maneuverability, customization...?Doyouhaveabudget?” Jonsighed.Henormallyconsideredhimselfaverypatientman,butKai’s juvenilebehaviorwastestinghislimits.“Kai,”Joncalledseveraltimes.Kaiignoredhim, 225 testingouttheturningradiusofthecurrentmodelhewasinandgrinning,then growlingandshakinghisfingerswhenhe’daccidentallycatchthembetweenthespokes ortherim.Jonstompedhisfootinfrustration,andthatfinallymadeKailookup.Jon rolledhiseyes,wavedKaiover. KaiwovehiswaytowardJon,occasionallyhittingadisplaywithhiskneesor wheels.WhenhereachedJon,hepointedtothechairhewasinandthenliftedhis hands,palmup,pullingthemtowardshimself.Jonknewherecognizedthesign,butit didn’thithimtillKaigrewmorefrustratedandrepeateditagain.WasKaishyabout talkingtopeoplehedidn’tknow?Butthen,Jonwasbasicallyastranger,andKaihad spokentohim.Usuallywithbitterreluctance,butstill. “Youwantthatone?” Kainodded. Bynow,ClydewasprettysureKaiwaseitherdeafordumbinthearchaicsense oftheword,andhaddecidedtodirect100%ofhisattentiontoJon.“That’sthebrandI wasgoingtorecommend—ifit’sinyourbudget,XCalibre—butIwasgoingtosuggesta differentmodel.Wedon’thaveafloormodel,butit’llhaveasimilarfeelasthatone.” Clydepointedtoapageinoneofthecatalogs.“TheRanger.It’sagoodfirstwheelchair. Light,nimble,andadjustable,soashegetsmorefamiliarwithithecantweakitabit, andit’llgivehimsomeroomtogrow.Plus,youcangoanti-tipwithit.”Clydeindicated theanti-tipaccessory. JonshowedKaithecatalog.“Whatdoyouthink?” KaiyankeditoutofJon’shand,layingitinhislap,studyingthepictureofthe chairandaccessories.Kai’sfingersslidovertheglossypaper.Hefrowned,thenpointed totheonehewasstillsittingin,thenpulledoutfromhischestwithhismiddlefinger andthumb.AnothersignJonremembered.AfterKaihadrepeateditinsistentlyafew times,itclicked.Kaihadsaid,“Ilikethisone.” Jonsighed,lookedbackatClyde.“What’sthedifferencebetweenthisoneand theonehe’sinnow?” “That’stheElite.Irecommendthatformoreexperiencedwheelchairusers. Plus,theRangerisalotcheaper,becauseit’slesscustomizable.Butifhe’snewtothis, hewon’treallyknowwhathewantsyet.I’dgowiththeRanger,andinafewyears,he canupgradeifhewants.” Kaiseemedtobeengrossedinthecatalog,buthelookedupatJonandsigned whatJonwasprettysurewasOKfollowedbyrubbinghisfistonhischestinapology. Thenhepointedtothecatalog,hisfistgoingrapidlythroughletterstoofastforJonto distinguish,thenheldhishandoverhismouth,wigglinghisfingers,hiseyebrows furrowed. Jonhadnoideawhatthatmeant,andhedesperatelywantedtoaskKaitojust speakEnglish,butitwasKai’sbirthday,amajorshiftwashappeninginhislife,andas sillyasitwas,JonjustwantedtomakeKaihappy,toseehisbrothersmile. KaisighedasheseemedtorememberJon'slackofASLproficiency,closingthe catalog.Hetookabreathandspokeslowly,focusingonhisarticulationandgrammar. “Rangerisgood.Whatcolors?” Clydeblinked;apparentlyhe’dfiguredKaididn’tspeak.Hereachedunderthe counterforaringofpaintchips.“TheRangerdoesn’tcomeintoomanycoloroptions, butyoucanpickfromthese,”heindicatedthefirstsix. Kaipushedcloser,snaggingtheringandstudyingeachonecarefullybefore finallyselectingabluenotdarkenoughtobenavybutnotlightenoughtobecobalt.A 226 darkroyalblue,perhaps.“Nonotip,”Kaisaid.“Iwilllearn.”Thenheusedthecounter topullhimselfbacktostandingagain.Nowthathewasonhisfeet,soclosetoJon,it madeJonrealizemorethaneverthiswasn’tthelittlekindergartenerhe’dbeen separatedfromallthoseyearsago.Kaiwasonlyafewinchesshorter,withyearsstillleft togrow. “OK,we’llgetyoumeasured.Thesedon’ttaketoolong,sohopefullyit’llcome inwithinthemonth,”Clydesaidwithasmile,perhapsrelievedKaiwasfinally cooperating. “Happybirthday,”Jonsaid,pattingKaiontheback. Kailookedathim,andforasecondJonworriedKaiwouldcastoneofhissoulmeltingglaresJon’sway,butinstead,heflashedhisownhintofasmile. Anhourorsolater,theywerebackinJon’scar.Kai’schairhadbeenordered,alongwith apairofnewcrutches—atJon’sinsistence—andKai’smoodhadlightened. “Youknow,youwerereallyrudetothatsalesperson,”Jonsaidashegavethe car’sACachancetokickin.Ascoldandmiserableaswintercouldbe,Jonhadforgotten howhotand,well,miserable,thesummersinJonesvillewere,too. KailookedatJon,blinked,evidentlyconfused.“Idon’tlikeEnglish.” “Well,it’swhatwehavetoworkwith,andIknowyou’recapableofspeakingit well.It’srudetoignoresomeonewhenthey’retalkingtoyou.” “Isthisyourprice?” Jon’seyebrowsdipped.WasKaimistranslatingfromASLintoEnglish? “Forthechair,foraplacetostay.Yougettolectureme.”Kai’svoicewasflat,as washisexpression,makingitimpossibletotellwhetherhewasangry,beingsassy,or serious. Jonsighed.“Iwasjustmakingyouawareofthesituation.Acceptinghelpfrom someoneisn’tabadthing.” “Iacceptedyourhelp,”Kaisaidwithafewblinks,continuinghismonotoneand expressionlesscountenance. Jonshookhishead.Hestilllovedhisbrother,evenifhenolongerknewhim, andhedidn’tregrethavingasecondchancewithhim.HejustneverimaginedKaiwould havechangedsomuch.Jondidn’tfeellikehe’dchangedsosignificantlyinthepast twelveyears.ButthenithitJon:presumably,KaihadcontinuedtoattendtheJonesville SchoolfortheDeafwhiletheywereseparated,andJonrememberedsomeofwhathe’d learnedintheclassesforfriendsandfamilythey’dtakenwhenKaihadfirstenrolledin thepreschoolprogram.Deafnesswasn’tadisability,itwasaculture,withitsownnorms andrulesapartfromthehearingworld.TheteacherhadexplainedmanyDeafpeople resentedhearingpeoplefornotappreciatingthis,forbeingforcedtolearnanother languagewhenthehearingworlddidn’tcareaboutthelanguageoftheDeaf—ASL. “Youhatehearingpeople,don’tyou,”Jonsaidsuddenly,asithithim.Itwasn’t aquestion. “Iamhearing,”Kaisaid,withthefirsthintofemotioninhisvoice:disgust. “Youare,”Jonsaid.“Butyou’reculturallyDeaf,aren’tyou.Evenifyouwere forcedtolearntospeakEnglish,youresentit,andyou’reangryattheworldforit.” Kaibreathedinandoutseveraltimesbeforefinallyreplying,“Beingforcedto speakisonlyafractionofwhyIamangryattheworld.”KaispokeinperfectEnglish,too perfecttosoundnatural.“Thankyouforthewheelchair,etc.Iamgrateful.ButIwillnot change.Ican’tpromisetonotbeangry.Ican’tpromisewewilleverbefriends.” 227 Jonnoddedandfinallypulledoutoftheparkinglot.“Youcan’tpromiseto forgiveme.Igetit.” JonparkedinfrontoftheJonesvilleDiner.Hisbloodsugarwaslow,sohe’ddecidedto makeapitstopbeforetheywentshoppingforclothesandmaybedroppedbyKai’s orthotisttoorderhimsomenewshoes. “Areyousurethisiswhatyouwant?Wereallycangoanywhere.” KaiseemedconstantlysurprisedthatJonwasdoingallthisforhim,thathe caredwhatKaiwanted,andhekeptasking,albeitindifferentways,whatJonexpected inreturn,whathis“price”was.“Davidsaidthewaitresseswereprettyhere,”Kaisaid, strugglingwiththeword“waitresses”andnotexplainingwhoDavidwas.Afriend?“I likesweets,”Kaisaid. IfJongotanickelforeverytimehestifledasighwithKaisincepickinghimup earlierthatmorning....“Youalwaysdid.Butyou’llneedtoeatsomethingofsubstance, too.Evenonyourbirthday,youcan’tjusteatdessert.”ThatmadeJonsmiledespite himself.Asachild,JonhadoftenfoughttogetKaitoeatmorethanacouplebitesof meatorvegetables,butputanythingsweetinfrontofhim,andhe’ddevouredit. KailookedatJonforamoment,hisexpressionstrangeandunreadablebefore finallynodding. Thedinerwasbusy,eventhoughitwasearlyforlunchandlateforbreakfast, thesmellofgreaseandburntcoffeepermeatingtheair.JonnoticedKaiseemedquieter thanusual—ifthatwerepossible,hiseyesdartingaroundtheroomnervously.Still,he heldhisshouldersandheadup,doinghisbesttoconsciouslyhidehisanxiety. AsJonscannedtheroom,heobservedKai’sfriendhadbeenright;withthe exceptionofanolderwomanwholookedlikeamanagerdespiteheruniform,allthe waitresseswereyoungandfairlyattractive. Oneofthewomenledthemtoatableandtooktheirdrinks;Jonorderedcoffee andKaioptedformilk,pointingtoitonthebackofthemenuinsteadofspeaking. “So,youcanorderwhateveryouwant,”Jonsaid,watchinghowKai’sfingers fiddledwiththeplasticedgesofthelargemenu,asifheweretryingtopeelthelayers apart. Kaishrugged.“Nothungry.” Joncouldn’tstiflehissighthistime.Herememberedbeingeighteen.Hemay nothaveweighedmuchmorethanKai,butitdidn’tmeanhewasn’tconstantly ravenous.EvenifKaihadeatensomethingbeforeJonpickedhimup,thatwouldhave beenhoursago. “WhataboutifIorderyousomething,andthen,after,youcangetanydessert youwant.” Kaishruggedandclosedhismenu,dragginghisfingernailsoverthelaminate, staringatthebacking.WashemadbecauseJonhadcalledhimoutforhisbehaviorat themobilitystore?OrwasKaialwayslikethisnow?Withdrawnandsad.Jon rememberedVickysayingshe’dneverseenhimsmile. Thewaitressreturned,andJonhastilyorderedhimselfachefsaladandKaithe Jonesvilleburger—abaconcheeseburgerwithfries.Whateighteen-year-oldboydidn’t likethat?Thewaitresssmiledatthembothbeforedisappearing,andJonnoticedKai’s eyeshaddriftedtowardoneoftheotherservers,atall,thingirlnotmucholderthanKai withmedium-browncurlspiledhighonherheadandasmilethatcouldensnareany man. 228 Kaiknewshewasn’tsmilingathim,buthewasgoodatpretending.Shewasbeautiful, oneofthemostbeautifulwomenhe’deverseen,andhewonderedwhatherhairwould looklikeloose.Howlongwasit?Itwasimpossibletotellthewayshehaditpulledup. Hehopeditwaslong.He’dhadathingforcurlyhaireversincehis(unrequited)middle schoolcrushonErikaWasserman. Kaiknewhisbrotherwaswatchinghim,buthepretendednottonotice.It seemedJonalternatedbetweenseveralroles.Thefirst,andmostfamiliar,wasspeaking slowlyandpatronizingly,asifKaiwasn’tcapableofunderstandinghimotherwise.The second,andanotherKaiwasusedto,wastreatingKailikeanunusualcapturedstray animalthathadtobecarefullyobservedoutofscientificcuriosityanduncertaintyasto howhewouldbehavenext.Lastly,andtherolethatmadeKaimostuncomfortable becauseitwassoforeign,wasthisawkwardparentalthingJonslippedintofromtimeto time.Wasitbecausehewasolder?Becausehewasadoctorandusedtoorderingpeople around?Kaididn’thateauthoritynearlyasbadlyasDavidhad,buthehadnolovefor beingtoldwhattodo,especiallyinEnglish. Still,despiteKai’sbestattemptstopushJon,hisbrotherhadbeenremarkably patientandcalmtheentiretime,andotherthanafewsighs,hadn’tyetlosthistemper. Kaistillcouldn’tfigureoutwhatJonwantedthough,andthatterrifiedhim,evenifhe wouldn’tletJonseethat.Thelasttwelveyearshadtaughthimnoonegaveanythingfor nothing;therewasalwaysaprice:sometimesasteepone.HislastventurewithaTaylor relativehadn’texactlybeenallrainbowsandkittens,either. “So,whatkindofthingsdoyouliketodo?”Jon’svoicepulledKaiawayfrom histhoughtsandtheattractivecurly-hairedwaitress. KaiblinkedatJon,decidingitwouldn’thurttoreply.“Read.” Jon’seyebrowsfurrowed.Kairealizedhowmuchtheylookedalike;itwasa littleeerie.Ifhegottobethatold,wouldhelookjustlikeJon?Well,exceptforthe ridiculoushaircut.Kaiwouldnevershavehishead.“Youliketoread,butyouhate English.” Kaishrugged,searchedforsomethingtokeephisfingersoccupied,finally settlingfortyingthestrawwrapperinincreasinglymoreintricateknotsuntilthepaper broke.“JustbecauseIhatetospeakdoesn’tmeanIcan’tliketoread,”Kaisaidinproper English,sincehismorelazyhybridASLEnglishapparentlyannoyedJon.Normally,Kai wouldn’tcare,butforsomereason,especiallyafterthatincrediblewheelchairJonhad lethimorder,Kaifigureditwastheleasthecoulddo. Jondidn’tseemtoknowwhattosaytothis,drinkinghiscoffee. Kaidrummedhisfingersonthetabletop,thenpressedhishandsintotheseat ofthechairtoadjusthisweight.“You’rereallyadoctor.Arealdoctor?” Jonrubbedhishandoverthetopofhishead.“Asopposedtoafakedoctor?” “Howoldareyou?” “Twenty-five.I’llbetwenty-sixinAugust.”JonlookedalittlehurtthatKai didn’tknowthis.Honestly,Kaiwouldn’tevenhaverememberedhisownbirthdayifit weren’tforalwaysbeingsick,andDavid,whonever,everforgot.Untilthisyear.Kai pushedthethoughtfromhismind. “Pulmonology,”Kaisaidslowly.Hestillhadtroublewith“L’s”and“R’s” sometimes,especiallyinlongerwordsandwhensandwichedbetweenvowels. Jonnodded. Beforeeitherbrothercouldsayanythingelse,theirwaitressreturnedwiththeir 229 food.JonhadorderedKaianenormoushamburger,drippingwithcheeseandbacon. Davidwouldbeinheaven.Baconwasn’tsomethingtheyeverhadatCountyHouse,but Davidhadmanagedtoblackmailoneofthecookstomakesomeforhimfromtimeto time,underTheWarden’snose—thoughasstronglyasbaconsmelled,Kaiwasn’tsure howthatcouldbepossible. Kai’saunthadlovedbacon,andmadeKaicookitforher,whichwasprobably oneofthereasonshethrewupsomuch.Somedayshewasfine,butothers,hejust couldn’tstandthesmellofit.Apparently,todaywasoneofthosedays. Jonsat,staringatKai’semptychairforafewseconds,processing.Oncetheirfoodhad arrived,Kaihadturnedalittlepaleandthensuddenlystood—usingthetabletohelp himselftohisfeet,anddonetheclosestthingtoarunhecouldmanagetowardthe restrooms. Maybethebaconcheeseburgerwasn’tthebestorderingdecision.Jondebated aboutfollowingKai,butthefaintheadacheandlightheadednesstoldhimhereally neededtoeat,andKaihadmadeitabundantlyclearhecouldtakecareofhimself.Still, asJonate,hekepthiseyesfocusedonthesmallhallwaythatleadtotherestrooms;if Kaididn’treappearinatimelymanner,he’dgocheckonhimanyway. Afteraboutfiveminutes,Kaiemerged,lookingalittlewobblyevenatthis distance,ahandonthewall.Theprettycurly-hairedwaitresswentovertotalktohim, butallJoncouldmakeoutwasafewnodsandheadshakesbeforeKaismiledshylyand slowlyreturnedtotheirtable. “I’mfine,”Kaisaidimmediately.Buthesat,staringathisfoodinsteadofeating it,sippinghismilkandlookingpaleandtired. Jonfrownedbutdidn’tpushhim,signalingforthewaitress.“Doyoulike chocolate?You’renotallergic,right?” Kaitiltedhishead,shookit.“Ilikeit.ButIshouldn’teatit.” Jon’seyebrowsfurrowedatKai’scrypticresponse.“Whataboutpeanutbutter? You’renotallergic?” Kaishookhishead. Decidingnottomakeanyassumptions,Jonasked,“Andyoulikeit?” Kaishrugged. Stiflingyetanothersigh,JonsignaledthewaitressandorderedKaiapeanut buttermilkshake.IfKaiwasn’tgoingtoeattheburger,oreventhefries,perhapsthat wouldbebetterthannothing. “Kai,ifyou’renotfeelingwell,wecangobacktothehotel—” “I’mfine,”Kairepeated,offeringasmileJoncouldtellwasnotonlyforcedbut fake,eatingafewofthefries,asiftoplacatehim. Jonshookhisheadandwentbacktohissalad.“Ithoughtthiswouldbeeasy,” hemutteredtohimself. Kailaughed.Hewasbreakingfriesinhalf,notactuallyeatingthem,just playingwithhisfood.“Youadoptedthewrongpuppyifyouwantedeasy,”hesaid, evidentlyreferencinghislicensingjokefromtheotherday. TheirwaitressreturnedwithKai’smilkshake,deliveredinatall,old-fashioned glass,toppedwithwhippedcreamandacherry. Kai’seyeslitupashebroughtitcloser,eatingthecherryfirst. Jonsighed,buthesmiled.“Happybirthday.” “Oh,isityourbirthday?”thewaitresssquealed. 230 Kaiblushedabrilliantred. “Hiseighteenth,”Jonannounced. Theirwaitresssignaledtotheothers,shouting,“Wehaveabirthdayhere!”And soonthey’dallgatheredaround. Kaiwasmortified,thoughwhenthecurly-hairedwaitressjoinedthegroup— Becca,hernametagsaid—hetriedtohideit,goingfordisaffected,leaningbackinhis chairlikethiskindofthinghappenedtohimallthetime. Thewaitresses—andevensomeofthepatrons—joinedinthehappybirthday song.Whenthey’dfinished,Kaiwasactuallysmiling. “Happybirthday,”theirwaitresssaidonceeveryonehadfilteredbacktotheir stations.“What’syourfavoritekindofpie?” “Everything,”Kaisaid. Shelaughed,alowrollingchuckle.“I’llsurpriseyou,then,”shesaidwitha wink. Kaihaddevouredhismilkshakeandpie,andevenmanagedtoeatafewbitesofhis burger(withoutthebacon—JonmadeamentalnotethatKaiapparentlydidn’tlikeit). They’ddetouredtoKai’sorthotisttoordersomenewshoes,andthenthey’dheadedto themall.Jondecidedtokeepthingssimple:getKaiafewpairsofjeansandsome Tshirtsandthenmaybetheycoulddosomeapartmenthunting. TheywalkedintoJCPenneytogether,headingtowardthemen’sdepartment. “Doyouknowyoursize?”Jonsaid,sortingthroughthestacksofjeans. Kaishrugged. Jonlookedathim.Kaiwasalittleshorterandthinnerthanhewas,sohe supposedhecouldmakeaguess.“I’dsay,28or29waist....Doesthatsoundright?” Kaishrugged.“Iwouldwearwhateverwouldfitmybraces.Andabelt,”Kai said. Jonshookhishead,snaggedafewdifferentsizesforboththewaistandlegand draggedKaitothedressingroom. “Takingmypantsoffisn’teasy,”Kaisaidassoonastheyhittheroom.Kai pointedtohisshoes,asifthatwouldexplaineverything. Jontookadeepbreath.Kai’sshoeswereattachedtohisbraces,whichmeant hecouldn’teasilyremovethem,orhispants,forthatmatter.Which,aftertheirvisitto theorthotist,Jonshouldhaverealized.“Fine.Youwon’ttrythemonthen.MaybeIcan seeyoursizeatleast.Isthisweird?” Kaishrugged. JonmotionedforKaitolifthisshirtup,andassoonashedid,Jonrealizedany awkwardnessbetweenthemwouldbeavoided:Kai’sjeanswereatleastasizeortwotoo big,barelyheldupbyanequallylargebelthe’dloopedback.Theoversizedclotheshad hiddenhowhorrifyinglygauntKaiwas,hishipbonesprominentandtheedgeofhisribs, peekingbeneathhisraisedshirt,clearlyvisible.Nowonder.Evenwithdessert,Kaihad hardlyeatenanylunch,andJondoubtedhisappetitehadbeenmuchbetteratCounty House. “Allright,forgetit.I’lljustbuyafewdifferentsizesandstylesandyoucansee whatworksforyouwhenwegettothehotel,Iguess.Let’sgopickoutsomeshirtsand wecangetoutofhere.” JonandKaiexitedthemall,theacridodorofcigarettesmokehittingJon’snose:agroup 231 ofkidsabouthisbrother’sageweregatheredaround,smokingandtalking.Jon immediatelyglancedoveratKai,whowasholdinghisbreathanddoinghisbestto hurry. ButJondidn’thaveahandicappedplacard,andhadn’tbeenabletofinda parkingspaceclose.Kaiwastryingtoactcool,butJoncouldseehischestjerking,and soonhewascoughing.JonwouldhaveofferedtogetthecarandpickKaiupsohedidn’t havetowalk,buthonestly,hedidn’twanttoleaveKaialoneanditwasprobablybetter nottoleaveKainearthesmokersanyway. Kaicoughedharder,beginningtowheeze,leaningagainstoneoftheparked cars,fishingouthisinhalerandtakingafewquickpuffs.Hiseyeswereshut,andhe leanedforwardasbesthecouldwithoutlosinghisbalance,hisbreathingharsh,loud, painfulsounding. Jonhatednotbeingabletodomuch,sohegotclosetoKai,offeringhimhis supportandhishand.Kaiaccepted,toJon’ssurprise,stillworkinghardforeachbreath, thoughthemedicinewasevidentlyworking.Overthenextfewminutes,Kai’swheeze lessened,andhisbreathingslowed,thoughtheattackhadclearlytakenalotoutofhim. Jonsaidnothing,justbeingthereforKai,givingtimeforthealbuterolto continueworking,andforKaitorecover.Severalmoreminutespassed,andthoughKai wasclearlywipedout,hepushedawayfromthecar,releasingJon’shand,andbeganto walk—slowly—backtoJon’ssedan. JonwalkedsilentlybesideKai,matchinghispace,notwantingKaitofeel rushed,carefullylisteningandwatchingforanysignsoffurtherdistress.Jonwas relievedthespaceonthepassenger’ssideofhisvehiclewasempty,sohedidn’tneedto backoutforKaitogetin.Assoonasthedoorswereunlocked,Kaisunkingratefully, usingthedooranditsframetohelpeasehimselfintotheseatbeforepullinghislegsin onebyone.Heleanedback,hiseyesfallingclosed,hisbreathingalittlemorelabored thanithadbeenearlierintheday,butheseemedtobeOK. JonneededtogetKaianebulizer,too,herealized,sincehedidn’thaveoneof hisownnowthathenolongerlivedatCountyHouse.“Let’sgetyouhomesoyoucan restawhile,”Jonoffered. Kaididn’topenhiseyes.“Idon’thaveahomeanymore,”hesaidinpieces,his voicelowandbreathy. Jonwasgratefulhe’drentedatraditionalfoldingwheelchairforKaitouseuntilhis camein,becauseKaihadfallenasleepnotlongafterJonpulledoutoftheparkinglot, andthoughherousedwhenJonshookhim,wasclearlytooexhaustedfromthelongday andtheattack—hislegsjitteringwithspasms—towalk.AsunderweightasKaiwas,Jon wasn’tstrongenoughtocarryhim,either,sohehelpedKaitransfer.Kaiinitiallytriedto pushhimself,butwastooshortofbreathandhadtogiveup,gasping,afteronlyafew feet.Thoughheclearlywasn’tthrilledbytheprospect,hehadnochoicebuttoletJon pushhimtherestofthewaytotheirroom.ConcernedforKai,Jonlefteverythingelsein thecar,figuringhecouldgettherestoftheirpurchaseslater. Becauseofhisstrangesituation,transferringprograms,Jonhadoriginally optedforatemporarysublettingsituation,livinginaresident’sapartmentwhowas awaydoingaruralrotationforacouplemonths.WithKaiinthepicture,though,Jon hadswitchedtoahotelroomwithanaccessiblebathroomandtwodoublebedssoKai wouldbemorecomfortable.Jonhopedthey’dfindatwo-bedroomapartmentthat wouldworkforbothofthemsoon,though. 232 Kaitransferredtooneofthebedsbyhimself,buthesoonlayback,hiseyelids heavy. Jonwasn’tsureifheshouldoffertohelpKaiundressornot.“Letmeknowif youneedanything,”Jonsaidinstead,hopingthatwasneutralenough. “I’msorry,”Kaisaid,hisvoicebreathy. “It’sfine,”Jonsaid,wantingtosmoothKai’shair,butnotsureKaiwould welcomethetouch.“Getsomerest.Do...youwantmetohelpyoutakeyourbraces off?” Kaiputonehand,folded,fingerstouchinghischestnearhisshoulder,thenlet itsag.Perhapsthesignfor“tired”?Becausehisarmfellshortlyafter,andsoonhewas asleep. Kaiwokeslowly.Hischest,neck,andbackhurt,andhefelttired,likehehadbeenfor weeks,eversincehe’dstartedhoardinghismedsinpreparationfor“kickingout”day, buthewasbreathingeasierashepushedhimselfintoasittingposition.Ashedidso,he realizedatsomepoint,whilehewassleeping,JonhadtakenoffKai’spants,braces, socks,andshoes,shiftinghimundertheblanketsinjusthisunderwear.Kaiglanced over,seeinghisbracesandcrutchesproppedupagainstthewallononesideofthebed, therentedwheelchairontheother,withineasyreach,hisjeansfoldedneatlyintheseat. Kaisatforamoment,wakingup,processing.Itdisturbedhim,ononelevel,thatJon hadmanagedtostriphimofhispantsandbraceswithoutKaiwakingup.Doingso wasn’taquickoreasytask,especiallysince,presumably,Jonwasn’tnearlyasfamiliar withtheprocessasKaiwas.Eitheryouhadtotrytoworkthejeansoffoverthebulky bracesbeneath,thenundothenumerousstrapsbeforefinallyfreeinghisfeetfromhis shoes,oryouhadtoleavethejeanson,workingtoundothestrapsbyfeeluntilKai couldshimmyoutofthewholemessatonce.Bothweretimeconsuming,andbothwere awkward,andKaiwondered,ifhehadn’twokenthroughoutthatordeal,whatelsecould hehavepossiblysleptthrough? Nervously,Kaislippedahandunderthewaistbandofhisunderwear,cupping hispackageasiftoreassurehimselfitwasstillthere,assillyastheideawas.Eventired andnervousandstillunsureastowhatJonwantedwithhim,thesubtletouchhadhim halfhardinseconds.Butafewstrictlynon-sexythoughts—includingJonwithhishands onhiminthedressingroomonlyhoursearlier—andthingstookcareofthemselves. Jonwasawfullyhandson,especiallyforahearie,andKaiworriedifthatwas perhapsJon’sprice.Afterall,hewasbuyingKaistuff,andhe’dwantedKaitostripatthe mall,andevidentlyhaddoneexactlythatwhileKaiwasasleep.Heshivered,staringat thedoorofthebedroomthatledtotherestofthesuite.Jonwasadoctor,anddoctors weregenerallyhands-onbynature,andJonhadn’treallydoneanythingtoraiseanyof Kai’sredflagsexceptfortheveryfactthathehadn’traisedanyredflags.IfJonwas somekindofperv,he’dhadplentyofopportunities—inthecar,inthedressingroom— butJonhadseeminglybeennothingbutconcernedandeagertomakeKaihappy,as ridiculousasthatwas.Kaithrewtheblanketoff,grabbedhisjeansandusedhishandsto pullthemoneachleg.Sleepinginhisbraceswasuncomfortable,andKaihadvague memoriesofJontakingcareofhimwhentheywereyoung,beforetheirparentsdied. MaybeJonhadgenuinelywantedtohelp.TomakeKaimorecomfortable.IfJonhad meantKaiharm,wouldhehavelefthisjeansandwheelchairnearby?Orhiscrutches andbraces,forthatmatter?Wouldhehavebotheredtogetahotelroomwitha bathroomthatKaiwouldn’thaveanytroubleusing?IfJonreallywantedtotake 233 advantageofhim,likeAuntJuliahad,itwouldhavebeeneasytobringKaisomewhere relativelyinaccessible,tokeephismobilityaidsoutofreach,totrytotraphim.... ButJonhadorderedKaiawheelchairallhisown.Newcrutchesthatwouldfit himproperlyandwouldn’tperpetuallyannouncehispresencewiththeclangofrattling pins.He’drentedthisroom,andthiswheelchair,Kaithoughtgratefullyashe transferredintoit.Kaiwouldn’tlethisguarddownyet,butmaybeitwaspossibleJon wasjusttryingtobe—asforeignasthatwas—nice.Maybe...thingswouldbeOK.Good, even. Jonwassittingatthedeskinthesuite,takingnotesonapartmentcomplexesforthemto checkoutthefollowingdaywhenKaifinallywoke.Herolledoutofthebedroominhis rentedchair,dressedagain,thoughhisfeetwerebare.Jonhadtakenacalculatedrisk oncehewascertainKaiwassoundasleepandremovedhispants,braces,andshoes.Kai hadbeenright;itwasn’teasytodo,butthetoo-largepantscertainlymadethejob easier.JonhadbeenalittlesurprisedKaididn’twaketheentiretime,butalsoalittle relieved.Kaineededtherest. Jonhaddiscoveredhisoversightsintheirearlierclothingrunoncehe’dgotten Kai’spantsoff:Kaiapparentlyhadonlybeenallowedtokeeptwopairsofunderwear— therattypairoftighty-whiteysthatfitonlyslightlybetterthantherestofhisclothing— andoneextra,foldedinhisbag,andnosocksexceptthesinglepairofbracesockshe’d beenwearingunderhisorthotics.Kaicouldprobablyalsouseapairofshoeshecould wearthatweren’tattachedtohisbraces. “Feelingbetter?”Joncouldn’tgaugeKai’smood,whichhewasbeginningto suspectwouldbeacommonexperience. Kaistilllookedalittletired,butheseemedtobebreathingeasier,relatively, andhischeekshadmorecolor.Henodded,pushedalittlecloser.“Youtookoffmy braces,”hesaid,speakingslowlyasifhewerehavingtothinkbeforeeachwordtomake surehisgrammarwasright. “Ifiguredyou’dbemorecomfortable.” KaistaredatJonforalongtime,anuncomfortable,penetratingstare,oneJon hadnoticedKaigivinghimthroughouttheday,asifhewereconstantlysearchingfor Jon’shiddenmotivations. “I’msorryifIoverstepped,”Jonaddedinapology. Kaitookinaharshbreathandonlynodded;whetherthatwasanindication thatKaididn’tmindorwhat,Jonwasn’tsure. Kaiwasn’tangry,surprisingly,andJonwouldtakewhathecouldget.Maybeit wasasignhewasmakingsomeheadwaywithhisbrotherafterall.“Youhungry?Wecan gosomewhere,orIcanorderroomserviceordelivery.” Kai’sheadtilted,almostlikeabirdordog.“Roomservice?” “Yeah,foodmadehereinthehotelandtheybringittoyourroom?” Kairolledhiseyes.“Igrewupsheltered,notunderarock.Iknowwhatroom serviceis,evenifI’veneverstayedinahotelbefore.” TherewasthesassJonwasexpecting,butherealizedthistimethatKaiwas smilingfaintly.Jonreachedoverfortheroomservicemenuandofferedittohisbrother. “Takealookandseeifthere’sanythingtherethatsoundsgood.Ifnot,youcancalldown tothefrontdeskandaskiftheyhaveanymenusforplacesthatdelivertothehotel.” Kailaidthemenuinhislapandpushedtothecouch,transferringeasily, thoughittookhimamomenttorecoverhisbreath,makingJonfrownreflexively. 234 “I’msorryaboutearlier.Iwastryingtodotoomuchinoneday.” Kaishruggedasheflippedthroughthebinder.Atfirst,Jondidn’tthinkKai wasgoingtosayanything,buthefinallylookedupatJon,hiseyesunreadable,butnot intentionallyso;theemotionstherewerejusttoocomplexforJontoparseout, especiallyfromacrosstheroom.“Iwasheadingtowardanattackallday.Thecigarette smokejusttriggereditsoonerratherthanlater.” Jonnodded.“Ihopeyoudon’tmind,butItalkedtoDr.Johnsenwhileyou wereasleepandI’mgoingtopickupanebulizerandyourprescriptionstomorrow. You’llbeOKuntilthen,right?” Kainodded.“Ihavemyinhalersandafewofmypills.I’dbeenhoardingthem forawhile,sinceIwasn’tsurehowthingswouldgoonceIturnedeighteen,”Kai admitted. JonfrownedbutletKai’scommentslide,seeminglyunnoticed.“Ialsofounda fewapartmentcomplexesthatsoundpromising.Madesomephonecalls.Weren’ttoo manytwo-bedroomswithaccessiblebathrooms,butIfoundacouple,plusafewmore thatthelandlordsaidcouldbemodifiedeasily.” Kainodded,lookedupatJonforamoment.“Ikeepexpectingtowakeup,”he said.JonnoticedKaihadbeentryingharder,sinceaboutmidwaythroughtheday,to speakproperlyforJon’ssake. “How’sthat?” Kai’sbrowsfurrowedforaminute,perhapsconfusedbytheidiom,before continuing,“Noneofthisfeelsreal.” Joncouldunderstandonacertainlevel;he’dfeltsimilarlyatfirst,aftertheir parentsdied,andlater,whenhefirstmovedinwithhisadoptivefather.“Doyouusually dreamabouthavingasthmaattacks?” Jonhadmeantitasakindofjoke,butKairespondedanyway.“Oh,yeah,all thetime.”Heabandonedtheopenbinderinhislapamoment,lockinghishandsand stretchingthemhighabovehishead,rollinghisneckandshoulders.“ButIusuallywake upgasping,andI’mstillhere,withyou,soeitherthisisaparticularlyunusualdream... .MaybeI’minacoma?...Oritreallyisreal.” Kaispokesomatter-of-factly,itmadeJon’schesthurt.Heshouldhavebeen thereallthoseyearsforhisbrother.Howselfishhe’dbeen,focusingonschoolandhis fearoflearningthatKaireallywasdead...ofwantingalifeofhisownwithoutneeding toworryaboutanyoneelse...insteadoflookingforKaiathisfirstopportunity. Kaishrugged,returnedtoexaminingthemenu.“Theysayyoudon’tdream whenyou’reunconscious,especiallydrugged,butit’snottrue.It’snotcommon,butit’s happenedtomebefore.” JonstudiedKai,butsaidnothing.Dr.Johnsen,despiteJon’spleas,wouldn’t violateKai’sprivacyevenforageneralsurveyofwhatKai’shealthoverthepasttwelve yearshadbeen—thoughJohnsenhadonlybeenKai’sphysicianforfiveyearsorso. “Meatloaftonight,”Kaisaidashecontinuedtoflipthroughthemenu. "Isthatwhatyouwant?"Joncheckedhiswatch.Itwasalmostsix,andhewas goingtoneedtoeatsomethingsoon.IfKaicouldn’tmakeuphismind,Jonwouldhave toeatalittlesomethingoutofthevendingmachine,asmuchashehatedjunkfood. “AtCountyHouse,”Kaisaid,lookingup.“Theylovemeatloafbecauseit’scheap andeveryone—eventhekidsonfeedingtubes,iftheyblenditupenough—caneatit.” Kaigesturedaboxintheair,thenpinchedtheskinbetweenhisthumbandindexfinger, thenfingerspelledsomething.Thenhedrewahandoutfromhismouth,thumbinward, 235 jerkingdown,hisfaceoneofdisgust.Kaiseemedtorememberhimself,andclarified,“I fuckinghatemeatloaf.” Jonroseandcrossedtheroom,takingaseatinoneofthechairsnearthesofa. Kai’sfacetwitchedattheproximity,buthedidn’tsayanything,andJonfigureditwasas closetoaninvitationashe’dget.“Therehastobeafoodyoulikethough.Pizza?” Kaishrugged,shutthemenuandtosseditaside,beganworkinghisfingersinto hisneck. “Hamburger?Fries?Well,weruledthoseoutalreadytoday.Spaghetti?You usedtolovethatwhenyouwerelittle.Well,asmuchasyoulovedanythingthatwasn’t sugary,”Jonconceded. Kaisighed.“SpaghettiisOK,”hesaid,sayingthewordslowly,asifhewere worriedhe’dflubthepronunciation.“Butit’sa‘badone.’” Jon’seyebrowsdipped. “Nevermind.” Jonreallywantedtopush,buthisfewhourswithhisbrotherhadtaughthim thatpushingKaiwaslikeharassingagrowlingdog.Itdidn’tmakethesituationbetter, andifyouwerereallyunlucky,you’dgetattacked. KailookedatJonhardforalongwhilebeforeapparentlydecidingtoexplain. “Mystomachdoesn’talwaysliketobefilled.Icouldn’teatthebacontoday.Why?The smell,”Kaisaid,lookingatJonearnestly,asifhopingthatwouldcoverit.“Growingup,I neededtolearnfoodsthatdidn’ttastebadasecondtime.”Kaichosehiswordsslowly andcarefully,asifhewerethinkinginASLandtranslatingashespoke. WasKaisuggestinghehadchronicnauseaandvomiting?He’dalwayshada sensitivestomachasachild,andhe’dneverbeenabigeater,butthiswasserious.That couldcertainlyhelptoexplainhowunderweighthewas. “No,Idon’thaveaneatingdisorder,”Kaisaiddefensively,asifhethoughtthat washowJon’smindwasturning.“FoodandIjust...don’talwaysgetalong.” JonacceptedthemenufromKai,glancingthroughit.“Howaboutaturkey sandwich?Doyouthinkyoucouldmanagethat?AndI’llgetyouasliceofcheesecake.I supposeit’smorenutritiousthanmostdesserts,andit’sfullofcalories.” Kainodded,andthoughhefeignedmorenonchalance,Joncaughtthehintofa relievedsmile. Kaiwasn’tgoingtoadmitit,butsofar,Jonseemedprettyawesome,andKaihadbegun torelaxaroundhim.Afterall,he’ddonenothingbutputupwithKai’sshitalldayand buyhimstuff.Notinashowy,“tryingtobuymywayintoyourfavorkindofway,”either. Thatdidn’tmeanitwasn’tblatanthowmuchJonwantedtobefriends,despiteKai’s warning.ThefactthatJonwasadoctorhadautomaticallypaintedhiminacertainlight; afterall,Kaihadexperienceddozens,ifnothundredsofphysiciansinhislife.Mostof themwerearrogant,didn’tlisten,andthoughttheyknewhimbetterthanheknew himself.Kaihadespeciallyhatedtheoneswhowouldn’twaitforaninterpreter,orwho wouldn’tusetheinterpreterproperly.Whotreatedhimlikeasmallchildinsteadof someonecapableoffullyfeelingpainandunderstandingwhatwasgoingon. Jon,ontheotherhand,eventhoughheoccasionallyslippedintoaslightly condescendingtone,seemedtogenuinelycareaboutKai,asbewilderingasthatwas. Dinnerhadbeenoneofthosemoments,whenhehadn’tpushedKaitoexplainmore, simplydecidedmaybestayinginwouldbebestforbothofthemandselectingitemshe thoughtmightworkwithKai’sfinickystomach.Kaihadforcedhimselftoeathalfthe 236 sandwichandmostofthecheesecakeandhadlistenedattentivelyasJonspokeabit abouthislifeandhisplansforthefuture.Kaihadevenofferedafewofhisown questionsandanswers,butthetruthwas,astheeveningworeonandgrewclosertothe timeforhimtotakehismedicine,hisbreathingbecameworse,increasinglydifficultto hidefromJon,whowasnothingifnotperceptive. Kaileanedforward,hethought,nonchalantly,hishandsonhisknees,which madebreathingalittleeasier.Buthestillhadtoworkhardforeachbreath,afaint wheezeoneachexhalation,usingeverymuscleinhisupperbody. Withoutaword,JonpressedKai’srescueinhalerintohishand.Kaigreedily tookseveralpuffs,forcinghimselftoholditintogivethemedicineachancetosink down.Hisbreathingwasgettingworse,morepanicked,andhetriedtotellhimselfhe justhadtowaitforthemedicinetowork,buthisbodyhadotherideas. “It’sOK,Kai,”Jonsaidinasoothingvoice,smoothinghishandoverKai’sback inawaythatwasbothcomfortingandmanagedtorelievesomeofthestrainonhis overworkedmuscles.“Breathe.Comeon.In.Out.In.Out.” KaifollowedJon’svoicelikeabeaconleadinghimthroughthedarknessashe slowlyfeltthemedicinebeginningtowork,openinghisbronchiandlettinghisbreathing deepen,thetightnessinhischesteasing. “You’reOK.” Kainodded. JonsmoothedKai’sshoulderbeforepullingaway,asifrealizinghewas overstepping. “FINE,”Kaisigned,whethertoindicatehedidn’tmindorhewasOK,evenhe wasn’tsure. “Let’sgetyouinbed.” Kainodded,buthedidn’tmoveimmediately.“Thankyou,”hesaid,hisvoicea littlehoarse. Jonshruggeditoff,pullingtherentedwheelchaircloser. KaiputahandonJon’sarmtodrawhisattention.“No.Thankyou,”hesaid again,puttingmoreforceintohisvoice.Itmadehimcough,wince;hischestwassore. “Foreverything.”Hesmiledfaintly.“Iwaswrong,earlier.Iwanttotrytobefriends.” 237 November24,2000 Kaiwokewithapainedgasp,hiseyesstillclosed,andhisfirstconsciousthoughtwas hospital.Hefeltheavyanddisoriented,likehe’dbeendrugged,andhisrightsidehurt, particularlyhishipandass,alow,steadythrobthatechoedthedullheadache,probably asideeffectofwhateverdrugshewason.Hisstomachchurnedangrily,too,supporting thedrughypothesis. Butbeforeheattemptedtoopenhiseyes,helistened.Fartooquiet.Hospitals werenoisyplaces.Theconstantbeepandhumandhissofmachines.Thewhispersof doctorsandnurses.Phonesringing,PAannouncements.Shufflingfeet.Rollingcarts. Clickingofcomputerkeys.Itneverended.Kai’sexperiencewiththecacophonyof hospitalswasonereasonhe’ddevelopedtheabilitytofallasleepanywhere,andquickly. Kaiforcedhiseyesopen.Whichhurt.Hecouldn’tquitetellifitwasfromthe headacheorthelight—theroomwasn’tfullylit,justalampofftooneside—butitwas perhapsenough.Still,Kaiwasrelievednottofindhimselfincompletedarkness,his heartthrummingagainsthischestwallfastandfluttering.Kaiattemptedtopush himselfup,whichtookafewawkwardtries,hisupperbodyswayingslightly,awaveof nauseasweepingoverhim,andhedryheaved.Vaguely,hewonderedifhewas dehydrated,andthathadsavedhimfromspewing.Buthetriednottothinkaboutit. Themorehedid,themorelikelyhewouldn’tgetsoluckythesecondtimearound. Kaifeltlethargicasheforcedhisbraintowork.Jonwasasleepinthebed besidehim,stretchedoutonhisstomach,hisarmswrappedaroundapillow,hisface obscured.Wait.WhywasheinJon’sbed?Kaitriedtobringahandtohishead,topress itagainsthistempletoeasethepulsingache,buthenearlyfelloverandhadtoquickly dropitagain.Thenear-fallmadeaflareofpanicdashuphisspine,settinghisheart racingfaster,whichconfusedhimuntilsuddenlyithithim,likethesunpiercingthrough heavy,darkclouds. He’dfuckinglostit.Yesterday.Wasthatyesterday?Thedigitalclockacrossthe room,withitsenormousbrightrednumbers,displayedthetimeasjustafterthreeAM. UnlessKaihadtrulyblackedout,itmeantthatlessthantwelvehourshadpassedsince thisallstarted.Dammit.Itfeltlikeagesago,yetjusttheedgeofthememorymadehis bodybegintorespond,hisbreathingshifting,becomingmorefrenzied,sweatbreaking outonhisneck. Hestruggledtofindsomethingtofocusontostemtheimpendingfullpanic attack.Hisbladder.Nowthatheforcedhimselfbeyondconfusionandheadacheand sorenessandaracingpulse,hefeltthepainofitsfullness.Whenwasthelasttimehe’d emptiedit?Hecouldn’tremember.Itdidn’tmatter.Concentratingonithadsuccessfully stemmedthetideofanxiety,butnowheknewhehadtotakecareofit—soon—the urgencyincreasingwitheverysecond.Perhapsthatwaswhathadawokenhimfromthe depthsofthedrug’sembrace. Kaiwantedtoignoreit,butbecauseoftheGatoradeJonhadmadehimchug, heeitherhadtotakecareofitorriskwettingthebedanditwasn’tevenhisbed.Kaiwas alreadypushingtheboundariesofbrotherlylovenomatterwhatJonsaid.Hedidn’t reallyneedtoaddfueltothefire. Kaitookafewbreaths,shiftedhisweightontohisrighthand,andreached blindlyoverthesideofthebedforhischair,buthefoundonlyemptyspace.Panic threatenedtogriphimagain,butheforcedhimselftothinklogically.Hehadto 238 remember:thiswasn’thisownroom,andJonhadneededtohelphiminbedlastnight becauseofallthebenzosinhisblood.Nomatterwhathetoldhimself,hestillfeltthat creepy,almostflutteryfeelingbeneathhisskinthatsometimesprecededapanicattack ashepushedhimselfawayfromtheheadboardandtowardtheedgeofthebed. Kai’sheartthrewitselfagainsthischestlikeakidnappingvictimpleadingfor escapewhenhisnow-adjustedeyessurveyedhishalfoftheroomanddidn’tseehischair anywhere.Again,hetriedtocalmhisbody’surgetofreakbytellinghimselfithadtobe aroundsomewhere.He’dbeenoutofitlastnight,anddidn’treallyrememberalotof whathappenedafterdinneryesterday—bitsandpieces,likeadamagedfilmreel—but notsomuchthatrealitycouldhavewarpedforreal,evenifithadseemedthatway. Barringseriousmusclerelaxants,KaiwasprobablystrongenoughtoliftJon,butKai knewthereversewasn’ttrue.JoncouldnothavecarriedKai,especiallyasdruggedas he’dbeen,fromoneroomtotheother. Hischairhadtobehere. ButthenapanickedthoughtracedthroughKai’sbrain:hadJonkepthischair awayfromhimasinsurancethatKaiwouldn’tdoanythingstupidifhewokeupbefore hisbrother?Itmadethealreadyexistingnauseasurge.Jonwouldn’tdothattohim.Jon wouldn’ttraphimlikethat. Wouldhe? Kaishiftedhisweightagain,nottrustinghimselftostayuprightwithout support,andjabbedhisbrotherintheshoulder.Jongroanedbutonlyhuggedhispillow tighter.KaivaguelyrememberedhowtiredJonhadlookedyesterday;maybehe’dtaken somedrugshimselftohelphimsleep.ThoughJoncouldbearidiculouslydeepsleeper whenhedidmanagetofallasleep,evenwithoutmeds.Kailosinghisfuckingmarbles probablydidn’thelpJon’sexhaustion.Kaitriedshakinghisbrotherafewmoretimes, callinghisname,buttonoavail. Thatfloaty,buzzy,anxiousfeelinghoveringinsidehimbattledagainsthis insistentbladder.Heneededtogo,soon.Andheneededtofocusonthatbeforehe seriouslylosthisshit,whichhewasfartooprecariouslyclosetodoingthanhewas willingtoadmit.MaybeJonhadabottleinthenightstanddrawer.Itwasafalsehope, especiallysinceKaicouldn’timagineJoneverpeeinginabottle.Therewasabottlein thedrawer,butitwaslube.Halfempty,somethingKaireallydidn’tneedtosee,butat leastallofthiswasdistractinghimfromthefactthatthiswasn’tthefirsttimeinhislife he’dfoundhimselfdesperateandwithouthismobilityaids.Heshiveredasmemories triedtoseepthrough. Hegazedacrosstheroom,towardJon’sbathroom.Intheory,hecouldlower himselftothefloor,pullhimselfacrosstheroom,buthewasn’tatfullstrength,and therewasagoodchancehewouldn’thavetheenergy,oncehegotthere,tomakethe difficulttransferfromthefloortothetubortoilet. Thepaininhisbladderandthenauseaswirlinginhisgutdraggedhimback fromhisthoughts.Enoughthinking.Heneededtojustgetdownonthefloorandfigure itout.MaybeKai’schairwasontheothersideofthebed,andhejustcouldn’tseeitfrom here.Maybehe’dfindabottleonthekitchentablejustoutsideJon’sroom,andhe wouldn’tneedtodraghimselfallthewaytohisroom. Kaithrewbackthecovers,thenliftedonelegatatimeovertheedgeofthe mattress.Jon’sbedwashigh,andevenwithhislonglegs,fromasfarbackashesaton it,hisfeetjusttouchedthefloor.Hestaredatthemforamoment.Hewantedtothrow up.Hewantedtocry.Hewantedtoscream.Hismindwasthreateningtopullitselfinto 239 thepast,andhewasn’tgoingtoletithappen. Still,unwilled,amemoryfloodedhisconsciousness. Kaisatonthesmallbed,needingtopee,bad,buthislegswerelooseandunresponsive, andshe’dtakenhiscrutchesandbracesagain.Sohewouldn’tgetintotrouble,she’d said.Hehadsavedabottle—pulleditoutofthetrashwhenshewasatwork—andhidden itinhisroom.Fortimeslikethese.Butshecouldn’tcatchhim.Hereachedunderthelip ofthebedforthebottle,whichwaspartiallyfull—he’dhavetotrytoemptyitlater,when shewassleeping,dragginghimselfslowlyacrossthefloor—butit’dworkfornow. Butshecaughthim,slappedthestill-shutbottleoutofhishands.“That’s disgusting!”shesaid.“Standup!I’mtiredofyourpatheticlazyass.Standup!” FattearsformedandrolleddownKai’scheeksasheshookhishead.“Ican’t,” hesigned.“Ican’t.” “Forfuck’ssake.Stopit!”Shegrabbedhimbytheupperarmsandpulledhim unsteadilyupright,offthebed.Hiskneeswouldn’tlock,andhecouldn’tgethisfeet wheretheyshouldbe,notwithoutsomethingtoholdonto.Herhandswrappedtightly aroundhisthinbiceps,theonlythingkeepinghimfromtumblingtothefloor. Forabriefmoment,hewashappy.Shewastouchinghim.Andnotjustthe occasionalslapswhenhecriedtoomuchorwhenheforgothimselfandsignedtoher.It wasatight,harshgrip,andassoonassheletgo,he’dfall,butrightnowshewas supportinghim.Itmeantmaybehewasn’tsobad,sodisgusting,thatshecouldn’ttouch himexcepttodisciplinehim.Maybeitmeantshe’dwanttokeephimafterall,andif he’djustbegood,really,reallygood.... Hewilledhislegstoobey.Ifhecouldjuststaystanding,notfallwhenshelet go,thenmaybeshe’dbeproudofhim.Maybeshe’devenhughimandtellhimhewasa goodboyandhecouldstayforever. Focusinghardonhislegsandfeetandnotcryingmeanthestoppedholdinghis bladdersofiercely,andurineleakedout,wettingthefrontofhispantsandrunning downontothefloor,makingasplattering,wetsound. “Ohforfuck’ssake!” Hebittheinsideofhischeek,hard,sohewouldn’tcry.She’dneverkeephim now.Hereadiedhimselfforhertoreleasehimindisgust,fortheimpactofthefall,but insteadofdroppinghim,shehalfdragged,halfcarriedhimtowardthebathroom. That’swhenpanicsetin,andhebegantofightherasbestashecould, franticallyshakinghisheadanddoinghisbesttogetpurchasetopushawayfromher body,mouthingNorepeatedly,frantically,histonguemakingasubtleclickingsound againsthisteeth,themostsoundhecouldproduce.Helethimselfcry,puttinghiseffort intofightingherinsteadofblockingthetears. “Ifyou’regoingtomisbehaveandpeeeverywherelikeaGod-damneddog,then youcanstayinthebathroomlikeone,”shesaid.Hefoughther,butshewastoostrong. Toostrong.Sostrong. Hebarelyhadtimetothinkbeforeshethrewhimintothebathroom.Thedoor alreadylockingbeforehe’devenhittheground. Kaihitthefloorwithathumpthatsentjoltsofsharp,icypainthroughhisbody,butthe painwasgood.Itkepthimfocusedawayfromthepullofinsanityandanymoreofthat hauntingmemory. Headjustedhislegs,squeezedthebaseofhisdick.Itwasn’ttoofar.Hecould 240 dothis.Heplantedhispalmsonthefloor,pushingtoshifthisbodyawayfromthebed, facinghimselfbackwardssohecoulddraghimselftowardtheopenbedroomdoor.His armsandshouldersburnedwithheavyfatigue;hedidn’thavethestrengthhenormally did,andhehadtopauseseveraltimes,leaningagainstthefootboard,buthefinallygot totheothersideofthebed. Kaipulledhimselfcloserandpaused,hismusclestrembling,andspiedhis chair,finally.Inthefarcorneroftheothersideoftheroom,drapedinshadows.No wonderKaihadn’tseenit.AlmostlikeJonhadbeenhidingitfromhim.Arushofhot angerfloodedhissystem,temporarilyoverwhelminganxietyandpainandexhaustion andeverythingelse.Immediatelyfollowingtheangerwerethetearsthatalwaysseemed toofuckingclosetothesurfacelately,andhegrithisteeth,takingafewsteadying breathstopushthemaway.Hecouldalmostsmellanotherbreakdowncoming,likeit wasacomponentoftheair,likethesharp,humidscentbeforeasummerstorm. Hehadtwochoices.Hecouldgoforhischair,riskexhaustinghimselfgetting toitandthennotbestrongenoughtopullhimselfupintoit.DamnValium.Orhecould forgetitandsticktohisoriginalplan. AtleastJonhadleftthedooropened,proppedinplacewithachairstacked withmedicaljournals.Thoughhe’dleftthelightsoffinthemainlivingspace,the darknessthreateningtocreepintothebedroomlikeafog. Kaididn’twanttogooutthere.Itwasillogicalandfuckingnuts,especially sincehisroomwasonlyafewfeetaway,butitdidn’tchangethewayhisbreathcame quicker,shallower,atthemerethoughtofventuringintoit.WhatifJonhadtidiedup andthebottleofGatoradewasn’tonthetableafterall?Whatifheaimedforhisroom, andthelightswerealloff?Wouldhebeabletoreachtheswitchfromthefloor? Kaipulledhimselftowardthedoor,makinghisdecision.Heneededtopee,so he’dfindabottle,anduseit,andthen....Thenhe’dfigureoutwhatthefucktodoafter that. Despitehisbestefforts,thenearlyimpenetrabledarknessofthemainroomhadcaused Kaitobreakintoacoldsweat.Ratherthanriskfullpanicorworsewhilehesearchedfor thebottlethatshouldbeonthetable,he’ddraggedhimselfintotherelativesafetyofhis roomasquicklyashisrelaxedandfatiguedmuscleswouldcarryhim,gratefulJonhad leftthebedsidelampon,castingtheroominasoft,warmglow. Kaitookamomenttoregainhisstrengthandbreathinthemiddleoftheroom. Hewashalfwaytoananxietyattacknomatterhowhardhewasstrugglingtotellhimself hewasperfectlyfineandderailthecrazytraininhismind.Hetriedtoforcehimselfto thinkwhatwouldbefasterandeasiertogetto:hisbackpack,inonecorneroftheroom, orhisnightstand.Hekeptbottlesinboth. Hejustcouldn’tmanagetocatchhisbreath,though,aninvoluntaryshudder coursingthroughhisbody.Eventhepaininhisbladderwasn’tenoughtopullhimaway when,somewherenearby,adoorunlocked,swungopenloudly,thenshutwithabang. Kaijumped,letoutareflexiveyelpashismindimmediatelybegantorace. She’shome.Shecan’tcatchmelikethis.OhGod. Maybehecouldgetinbedbeforeshegottohisroom.Buthestillhadtopee. Wouldhehavetimetofindthebottlehekepthiddenunderthebedanduseitbeforeshe bargedin?Hisshirtclungtohisbackwithsweat,hisbreathingpanting,andheknewhe shouldbemoving,buthewasfrozen.Heavyfootsteps.Somewhere.Comingcloser? Madehisstomachseizeup.Ohno,hewasgoingtothrowup.No,hecouldn’tthrowup, 241 becausethatwasbadandthatmadehermad. Asmall,warmwetspotformedonthefrontofhispajamapantsbeforehe caughthimselfandstopped,squeezingthebaseofhisdickwithonehand.Ifhemadea mess,she’dlockhimupagain.Maybeforever. Kaiclenchedhiseyestight,tookafewbreaths,buthejustcouldn’tseemtoget enoughair.Suddenly,heheardaloudpoppingsound,andtheroomwentdark.Pitch dark.Kaiyelpedagain,hiseyesdesperatelysearchingforlight,butfoundonlythe faintestsuggestionofitsomewherebeyondhisdoorway.Justenoughthathe’dbeable toseeherwhenshecameintoyellathim. Kai’sentirebodywastenseandjitteryandreadytoexplodewithfear,hiseyes fixedonthedoor.Heheardthecreakoffloorboardsassheapproached.Heneededto move.Heneededtomove. Hewaited,listeningcarefully.Maybeshe’dgostraighttobed.He’dbeOK. Safe.Hecouldcleanthehousereallywelltomorrowwhileshewasatworkandthen she’dbeproudofhim.Asharpcreak,creak,creak,asheavy,angryfootstepsdrewcloser. Kaiwastremblingsointenselynowhecouldbarelystaysitting.Nomatterhowhardhe triedtoseeinthedarkness,itwasimpenetrable,likeathickblanketcovering everything.Sodarkandcold,likethebathroom. Thethoughtsentaviolentshiverthroughhisbody.Warmthfloodedoverhis groinandlegs,poolingaroundhimonthefloor.OhGod,shewasgoingtobesomad. Tellhimhowdisgustinghewas.Andwasn’the?Peeinghimselflikealittlekidbecause hewastooafraidtomove. Theear-gratingcreakingnoiseoftheoldsolidwooddoorsinherancienthouse seemedtogoonforever.Kaihadtoescape,hide,somewhere. “Youbetterbefuckingsleepinginthere!” ThevoicemadeKai’sheartleapintohisthroatandsoonhewasbentover, throwingup.He’dhardlyfinishedwhenhewaspullinghimselfbackasfastashecould, awayfromhismess,fromthedoor,fromher.Maybeifhehidshewouldn’tseethemess andhecouldcleanitupbeforeshesawitandthenshewouldn’tsendhimaway.His thoughtswereracingfastashisbackslammedintotheedgeofthebed.Hecouldhide underthere.Foralittlewhile.Shewouldn’tbothertopullhimout,wouldshe? Hecouldstaywiththedirtythingsunderthebed,becausehewasdirty,and maybethenshe’dleavehimandhecouldwriteheranotesayinghowsorryhewasand howhe’dtryharder. Anothershudderseizedhim,hisarmsshakingsobadlyhesliddown.Pull yourselfunderthebed,hetoldhimself.You’llbesafethere.Foralittlewhile. Kairolledhimselfontohisstomach,handsreachingblindlyforsomethingto helppullhimselfunder.Behindhim,heheardherfootstepsgrowcloser.Hehadto hurry!Hewrappedonehandaroundthemetalslatsofthebedframe,hisotherhand pushingagainstthefloor,movingasfastashecouldinhispanicinthedarkness.He shiftedhisgrips,pulledandpushed,themetalcuttinghisfingers,buthedidn’tcare,he didn’tcare,hedidn’tcare. Safe. That’sallthatmattered. Hemoveduntiloneshoulderpressedagainstthewall,usingahandtoguide hisstubbornlegsunder.Kai’svision,eveninthedarkness,wasfading,hisbreathing panickedtothepointofnonexistence,buthekepthiseyestrainedforthegapbetween themattressframeandthefloor. 242 “Fuckingmoretroublethanyou’reworth.I’llhaveyououtofmyhouseinfive minutes,evenifitistheGod-damnedmiddleofthenight!” Eveninthedarkness,somehowKaisawhershoes,onlyinchesawayfromhim, andanyremaininglogicthattoldhimhewashiding,thatheneededtobequiet,shut down.Hefeltherhandswrappingaroundhisankles,andhewantedtokickheraway;he triedtokickheraway,buthislegswouldn’tcooperate.Shewaspullinghimout!Kai triedtofindsomethingtogrip—thelegsofthebed—theslats—something,tokeep himselfsafe,butshewasstrong.Sostrong.Shewasgoingtohavehimsoon,andthen what?OhGod.Hecouldn’tbreathe.Hecouldn’tseeinthedark.OhGod.OhGodOh God. Kaiscreamed. Jon’seyesshotopen,butittookamomentforhimtoprocess,hismindstrangelyfuzzy, whetherthescream—pure,undilutedfear—wasreal,orjusttheremnantofadream.He satup,rubbinghiseyes.Kai’ssideofthebedwasempty,andaquickglancetoldJonhis chairwasstillthere,too,whereJonmusthaveleftitthenightbefore.Jonhadhelped Kaiintobedonhisownside,butKaihadwantedtokeepJonbetweenhimselfandthe door,andhadshiftedover.Exhaustion,aidedbythedoseofdrugs,hadmeantJonhad fallenasleepwithoutbotheringtoguideKai’schairtoputitwithinKai’sreach. ThelingeringgrogginessoftheValiumfadedasJonshiftedintofocus,tearing offtheblanketsandhoppingoutofbed.Hejoggedtowardhisbathroom,takingaquick peekinside—itwasunlikelyKaiwouldhavebeenthere,buthedecidedtobethorough. Empty.Turningbackaroundandsurveyinghisbedroom,itwasclearKaiwasn’there. Hadhedecidedtogobacktohisownroom? WorryflaredinJon’sgut.WhatifKaihadtriedtohurthimself?Whatifhehad hurthimself? Jondashedouttothemainroom,hurriedlyslamminghishandagainstthe switchtoturnonthelights.HeshouldneverhavetakentheValium.Eventhoughithad beenaridiculouslysmallamount,especiallycomparedtowhatKaiwason,itdiditsjob, luringJonintoadeep,dreamlesssleep,whichhe’ddesperatelyneeded.Butitmeanthe hadn’tbeenasvigilantasheshouldhavebeen.Fuck.IfKaiwashurtbecauseJonwas sleepingwhenheneededhim.... Jonscannedthemainroom—whathecouldseefromthehall—andsawnosign ofKai,soherushedtoKai’sroom.Itwasdark,buthethoughtheheardaweak,pained sound,sowithoutbotheringtoturnonanyadditionallights,JonrushedintoKai’s room,relyingontheglowspillinginthroughtheopeneddoorwaytoguidehim.He steppedinsomethingwarmandwet,aparalyzingchillgrippinghisbody. Blood. Jon’sworldspunforabriefmoment,buthemanagedtogethimselfunder controltohobblebacktothelightswitch.Jonblinkedtoadjusthisvisionandsighed withrelief.Notblood.Urine.Andnowhecouldsmellit,alongwiththefaint,acidictinge ofvomit.Jonsawthatnow,too,andtherednessofitagainmadeworryflareup,but thenthelogicalpartofhisbrainkickedin—tooredforblood.Itwasthebright,artificial shadeofthesportsdrinkhe’dmadeKaidrinkthenightbefore.ItmeantKaihad obviouslyhadanotherpanicattack—abadone—orperhapsanotherflashback.Jonhad tofindhimbeforehehurthimself.Buttheroomwasempty,andaquickglanceinto Kai’sbathroom—whichJoncouldeasilyseeintowiththedoorremoved—didn’tyieldhis brother,either. 243 Bettertobethoroughandcleanhisfeet,Jonthought,hoppingintothe bathroom,wipinghisfeetandcheckingthetub—justincase.NosignofKai.Hesnagged sometowels,threwthemoverthepuddleonthefloor,andheadedbackoutintothe mainroom.MaybeKaiwasonthefloornearthecouch,orinthekitchen? Joncombedthemainroom,butKaiwasnowheretobefound.Howcoulda nearly6’4”,200-pounddisabledmanjustdisappear?Withouthiswheelchair,oreven hiscrutches—they’dbeenproppedagainstthewallwhereKaialwayskeptthemwhen notinuse.Itdidn’thelpthatKaihadgrownquiet,andJoncouldn’tusesoundasaway tohelplocatehim. Itwasalongshot,butJoncheckedthefrontdoor.Kaicouldn’treachallthe locksfromthefloor,evenaslongashisarmswere,butpanicenabledpeopletodocrazy things.Allthelockswereshut,includingthechain.EvenifKaihadmanagedtounlock thedoorandopenitwithoutJonhearing,thenlockeverythingagain,hecouldn’thave donethechain.ItmeantKaiwassomewhereintheapartment.Butwhere? JongrabbedarollofpapertowelsfromthekitchenandheadedbacktoKai’s roomtofinishcleaningwhileherackedhisbrainforwhereelseKaimightbe.Add disinfectantandit’dsmelljustlikethemedicineward,Jonthoughtashedroppeddown tohiskneestopaperupthevomit. That’swhenheheardit.Sobbing.Quiet,breathy,butnearby.Jonblinked, lookedaround,butdidn’tseeanythinguntilhestoopedtoscoopupthedirtypaper.The glintoftwopanickedeyes.Underneaththebed. Jonblinked.Ithadtobehisimagination;thespacebetweenthefloorandthe framewasafoot,maybe.Jonwasskinnierandlessmuscularthanhisbrother,andhe didn’tthinkhe’dfitunderthere. Jondroppedtohisstomach,peeringunderthemattress.Hecouldjustbarely seetheoutlineofKai,alsoonhisstomach,pressedupagainstthewall,hisheadtilted, cheekontheground.Hewascrying,andassoonasKaisawJon,hebegantoshake, tremblinghardenoughtorockthebed. “Kai.It’sJon.Yourbrother.You’resafe.Nooneisgoingtohurtyou.” ButKaiclearlywasn’tseeingJon,cryingandmumblingandbarelybreathing. Jonpushedaway,tohisfeet,tryingtofigureouthowtoeithergetKaioutfrom underthebedorsnaphimoutoftheflashback,orboth.Ofcourse,hecouldwaituntil Kaipassedout,buthedidn’treallylikethatoptionatall.EspeciallysinceKaiwas wedgedinthereprettygood,anditdidn’tlooklikeJonwouldbeabletomovethebed— becauseofthewayitwasbracedintoacorner—withoutpotentiallyhurtingKai.Kaiwas literallysandwichedbetweenthebedandthefloor,anditwasclearlyonlysheerpanic thathadenabledhimtoevenfitintothetightspacetobeginwith. Jonsupposedhecouldtakethebedapart,buthedidn’treallyrelishthatidea, either,especiallyifhetriedtodothatbeforeKaipassedoutorsnappedoutofit.Who knewwhatKai’sreactionmightbeifhewasstillpanickedwhenJontriedthat approach? Jonfoundapenlight,leftonKai’snightstandfromwhenJonwascheckinghis pupilsearlier,andgotdownonhiskneesonemoretimetosurveythesituation.Kaiwas stilltrembling,stillmutteringandcrying,butwhenJonpassedhisclosesthand,hesaw blood.EitherKaihadcuthimselfduringhistumbledowntherabbithole,or....The lightwasn’tverybright,butitwasclearKaiwasgrippingthemetalslatofthemattress frametightly,tightlyenoughitwascuttingintohispalm. Dammit.Joncouldn’tleavehimtherelongifhewaspotentiallyhurting 244 himself. Jonclosedhiseyesandbreathedinandoutforseveralmoments,tryingto decidewhattodo.Hehadtoomuchtrainingtopanic,butthiswasKai,andtherewasa reasonphysiciansweren’tsupposedtotreattheirfamilymembers.Heopenedhiseyes anddecidedtotrythefirstmethodthatcametomind—signlanguage.Presumably,the womanwhohadhurtKaididn’tknowASL,soperhapsifhesignedtoKai—asawkward asitwouldbelyingonthefloor,holdingapenlighttotrytoilluminatehissigning—that wouldsnapKaioutofit.Somethingthatwasdistinctlyinthenowinsteadofinwhatever horriblememoryKaiwasstilltrappedinside. “Kai,”Jontried,usingthenamesignoftheirchildhood,aletterKbrushedoff thetipofhisnose,which,amusingly,wasstrikinglysimilartothesignforpissedoff,Jon hadsincelearned.“You’resafe.Noonecanhurtyou.Comeout.”Signingthiswaywas challenging,andhewasn’tevenentirelysureifthelightwassuch(despiteJon’sbest attemptstocarefullyanglethebeam)forKaitomakeoutwhathewassaying,buthe keptgoing,signingplatitudesandreassurancesandhopingitwouldwork. JonwasaboutreadytogiveupandtrytofigureoutaplanBwhenhesawKai’s griponthebedframerelaxandheletoutashudderingbreath.Helookedaround,asif panickedandconfusedastohowheendedupwedgedunderthebed,butthenhiseyes finallyfoundJon,asifhetrulyseeinghisbrotherforthefirsttime.Itwashardtosee, butJonthoughttheyfilledwithtears.Jonfoughtbacktheurgetousehisvoice,justin case,andofferedKaihishand,slidingitunderthebedandhopingKaiwouldacceptit. Kaiwasreluctant,buthefinallyreleasedhisdeathgripontheframeand slippedonehandinJon’s,usingtheothertohelppushhimselfawayfromthewall. Together,theyslowlymanagedtoextractKaifromunderthebed,Jondoingalotof pulling,sinceKai’spositiondidn’tgivehimmuchleverage,anditwasn’tlikehecould usehislegstokickawayfromthewall.TheentiretimeKaiwasquiet,thoughtearsstill spilledoutfromthecornersofhiseyes,tracingpathsonhisdirtycheeks. WhenKaiwascompletelyfree,Jonhelpedhimsitup,leaningagainstthe mattresstosupporthisback,tryingtosurveythedamage,butKaipushedhimaway. “Don’ttouchme,”Kaisaidmiserably.BeforeJoncouldprotest,Kaiadded,“I’m disgusting.”Hepulledhiskneesuptohischest,buryinghisfaceinthemandsobbing. EachtimeJontriedtotouchKai,toreassurehim,Kaiwouldflinchandsob harder.SoJonrose,wenttothebathroomtowetacouplewashragsandgrabsome cleantowels,beingsuretokeepKaiatleastpartiallyinhissight,andtomovequickly. Onhiswaybacktohisbrother,hesnaggedsomecleanPJsandunderwearfroma drawerbeforesinkingdownbesidehimagain. “Let’sgetyouclean,OK?”Jonsaidinagentlevoice,tuggingatKai’sshirt. Reluctantly,Kailetgoofhislegs,pushingthemdown,calmnow,thoughhe wasclearlystillupsetandwouldn’tletJontouchhim.Hisclothes,face,andhandswere filthy,hisshirtsoakedinsweatandvomitandcoatedwithdust,hispantsand underweardrenchedinurine,andheremovedthemclumsily,mechanically,histears driedbuthiseyesso...dead.ItbrokeJon’sheart. “Here,cleanyourself,”Jonsaid,offeringKaithewarm,dampcloth.“It’sOK.” “It’snot,”Kaisaidwithpainedanger,wipinghisfaceandchestandinjuredleft hand(whichJonnoted,tohisrelief,seemedtobesuperficiallyhurt—he’dhavetotreat itproperlylater,onceKaiwasasleep).Kaihurriedlyslippedonthelong-sleevedteeJon hadbrought.Shivering,Kaitookcarecleaninghisgroinandthighsanddrying everythingthoroughlybeforeusinghishandstohelppullafreshpairofunderwearand 245 pantson.JoncouldseehowKaiwasfocusingonhistask,bitinghislipinadesperate attemptnottobreakdownagain.Itkilledhimtoseehislittlebrother—whoJonhad alwaysadmiredforbeingsostrong—lookingso...broken. Jonpluckedadampclothfromthefloor,turneditaroundtofindacleanside andusedittowetKai’shair,gentlybrushingoutsomeofthedustthatclungtoit.He hadtomakesuretovacuumundertheremoreoften.JonhadgottenlaxsinceKai’s transplant,sincehedidn’thaveattackslikeheusedtobefore,butifhereallywasn’t cured,maybeheshouldn’tpushtheirluck.Kaididsoundalittlewheezyrightnow,butit couldsimplyhavebeenfromallthetears. AsJongentlycleanedKai’shair,gratefulhisbrotherdidn’tpullawayorpush Jonback,hepouredallthecomforthelongedtoofferhisbrother,butwhichKai wouldn’tacceptrightnow,intothetouch.Kaikepthiseyesshut,tremblingsubtly,asif hewerecryingwithouttears. “Howcanyouevenlookatmerightnow?” Jonstifledhissigh,debatedaboutsayingthewordsthatroseinhismind. “You’reunwell,Kai.Itmightbeinyourheadinsteadofinyourlungsoryourlegs,but it’snomoreyourfault.It’swhywe’regoingtoseeDr.Miller,soshecanhelpmakeyou better.”Jontossedthedirtyragaside,gentlygrabbedthesidesofKai’sfacetoforcehim tomeethiseyes.“Youhavenothingtobeashamedabout,OK?”Jonkissedhisforehead. “Doyouwanttogiveyourselfthediazepamshot,orshouldI?” Kaisighedbrokenly,butputahandoutfortheshotJonhadgrabbedwiththe towels.“I’mworse,”Kaisaidinasmallvoice,shiftinghisbodyandquicklyinjectingthe medicineinhiship.“WhatifIcan’tgetbetter?” Jontookbackthesyringe,thenslippedahandinKai’s.“Youwill.You’remore stubbornthanIam.You’vesurvivedwheneveryonesaidyouwouldn’t.Morethanonce.” JonpushedthedirtylinensasidesohecouldsitbesideKai,backsupportedbythebed. Hecappedthesyringeandsetitonthebedfornow,holdingKai’shandfirmly. “HaveIevertoldyouaboutyourfirstyear?” Kaishookhishead,pushedhimselfdowntotheflooragain,grabbinghislegs andcurlingintoaball,hisheadrestinginJon’slap. JonsmoothedKai’sshoulder,aslow,repetitive,soothinggesture,happyKai wasallowingthetouch.“Youwerealmosttwomonthspremature,andthedoctorssaid youweren’tgoingtomakeit.Youweren’tbreathingonyourown,andtheydidn’texpect youtolastmorethanafewdays.Theyevenmadeanexception,sincetheywerecertain youweregoingtodie,andletmeinwithDadtoseeyou.Iwasn’teveneight,soI normallywouldn’t’vebeenallowedintheNICU,butDadfoughtforme.”Jonsighed. “Youwereso,sotiny.Wecouldhardlyseeyouwithallthetubesandwires.Italkedto youandtoldyouIneededyoutogetbetterandifyoudid,I’dbethebestbigbrother ever.”Jonlaughedwetly.“Yousurvivedtheweek,sotheysaidyouwouldn’tmakethe month.Thenthree.Thentheyear.Butyoukeptfighting,Kai,becausethat’swhoyou are.You’venevergivenup.I’vealwaysadmiredthataboutyou.It’sthememoryofyour tenacitythatkeptmegoingallthoseyearswewereapart.” “Noonecanfightforever,”Kaisaid,hiswordsslurredandsleepy,thedrug beginningtotakeeffect. “No,”Jonadmitted.“Butyou’renotfightingalone.” IthadbeendifficulttorouseKaiatsevenforhismorningmedications,butJonwasn’t entirelysureitwasduetoallthediazepam.Theentiremorning,Kaihadbeen 246 cooperativebutdistantandsilent,asifhismindhadshutdownatsomepointduring thenightandhewerejustanemptyshell.NomatterwhatJonsaidorsignedtohim,Kai barelyresponded,offeringanodorashakeorashrugasabsolutelynecessary,andno more.IthadpainedJontogiveKaianotherlargedoseofValiumalongwiththerestof hisusualmedications,butwithsomuchinhissystemoverthepastday,Joncouldn’t riskpushingKaiintowithdrawalsontopofeverythingelsehewasalreadygoing through.He’dalsoaddedaZofran,somethingKaiusuallytooksymptomaticallynow thathewasn’tontheMexitilanymore,asaprecautiontohelpeaseanynauseabrought onbyhisanxietyorthelargedosesofValium. AfterdressinghimselfinseverallayersofTeeshirts(bothshort-andlongsleeved),sweatpants,andanenormouslyoversizedthrift-storehoodie,Kaipushedout towardtherestoftheapartment,sinceJonhadinsistedheeatsomethingdespitehis insistencethathewasn’thungry.Kaihadrefusedashower,butJonwasn’tsureifitwas fearofenteringthebathroomorifKaifelthewasn’tdeservingofbeingclean.Theslight shiveranddeadlookinhisbrother’seyeswhenJonhadsuggesteditseemedtosuggesta combinationofboth. AtleastKaihadallowedJontotendtohisinjuredlefthand.Noneofthecuts wereterriblydeep,butbecauseseverallayinthecreasesofhisfingersandpalm,it meantbendingorflexingtoomuchriskedre-openingthewounds.Notwantingtorisk infection,Jonhadwashedthemallthoroughlywithanantimicrobialrinse,treatingeach withantibioticointmentandbandagingitaswellashecould. JonhadexpectedKaitoplanthimselfstubbornlyatthekitchentable—it wouldn’thavebeenthefirsttimeJonhad“forced”Kaitoeatwhenhedidn’twantto— butinstead,Kaihadmadeitallthewaytothekitchen,usinghisarmsonthecounters andcabinetstopropelhimselfonhisleftasnecessarytogivehishandabreak. KaisnaggedthecoffeecarafefromwhereJonhadleftitdryingbythesink, presumablytofillit.Kaineverdrankcoffee,buthedidoccasionallymakeitforJon, thoughitsurprisedJonthatKaiwasdoingitthismorning.Maybehesimplyneeded somethingtokeephimselffrombeingalonewithhismind? “Youdon’tneedtoworryaboutthat,”Jonsaidbeforehecouldstophimself. “I’llgetit.” Kaiturnedwithshockingabruptness,thecarafehalfwaytothesink,andithit theedgeofthecabinetandshattered,glassexplodingoverKai’slapandtheflooraround him.“Fuck!”Kaiscreamedloudly,thesoundespeciallyvividsincehe’dbeencompletely silentallmorning. “It’sfine,Kai,”Jonsaid,holdinguphishandsasiftopacifyhisbrother.“Just staystill—” “I’mnothelpless,”Kaisaid,angry,butwithatingeofdesperation.Itwasa relieftofinallyseeemotionafterthemorning’svacancy,butthatlook,thattone,was enoughtonearlythrowJonintohisownflashback.Jonvividlyrememberedhismother droppingthecarafe—thisonefilledwithcoffee—inthemiddleofthekitchenfloor. Tryingtopretendshewasfinebeforedissolvingintotears,foldingdownontothe ground,seeminglyobliviousthatshewaskneelingonshardsofglassandhotcoffee.At thetime,Jonwasonlyfour,maybefive,andtheentireexperiencehadbeenterrifying. “Iknowthat,”Jonsaid,doinghisbesttokeephisvoicelevelandnot patronizing.“Butyou’llruinyourtires.” Kaitookafewheavingbreaths,andJoncouldseehewasonthevergeofeither screamingorcrying,ormaybeboth.“LikeIruineverything.”Kai’svoicewasablendof 247 anger,frustration,shame,andheavywiththesuggestionthathewasbarelykeeping himselffromabreakdown. Jonsnatchedateatowelandusedittohelphimgatherupthebiggestshardsof glass,thoughhetriedtokeepacautiouseyeonhisbrother.“Whatareyoutalking about?” “YourrelationshipswithJenny.Vicky.MinewithBecca,Nikki.Renee,too, oncesherealizeshowfuckinginsaneIam.Yourchancewiththecommittee. Thanksgiving.Yourvacation.Evenyourfuckingcoffee.”Kaifoldedhimselfintohislap withoutpushingtheglassoutofit,andJonwasimmediatelyonhisfeetagain,pushing Kaibackupandbrushingtheglassaway.HehadtoforciblyholdKai’schintocheckfor cuts,butKai’scavernoushoodhadprotectedhisface,andmostoftheglasshadfallen onthefloor,anyway. JonheldKai’sheadinplacesohecouldn’thide.“Isthatwhatyoureallythink?” Kailookedaway.Itwasanswerenough. “Kai...”Jonstarted,buthewasn’tsurewhathecouldsaytoreassurehis brotherrightnow. KaibroughthiseyesbacktomeetJon’s,soblue,sosad,soguilty.Itfeltlikean eternity,Kaiattemptingtoconveysomuchwithoutwords,withoutsigns,thoughJon knewonlysecondshadpassedbetweenthem.Don’ttouchme,KaihadtoldJononly hoursearlier.I’mdisgusting.Kaireallysawhimselfthatway? Finally,Kailookeddown,aroundhim,overhisshoulder,andbeforeJoncould sayanythingorevenreact,Kaileanedbackandwheeliedbackwardssharply,outofthe pathoftheglassandtowardtheoppositeendofthekitchen. “I’llmaketoast,”hesaid,slippingintohismonotonevoice,hismaskfirmlyin placenow.“IfIcanmanagenottofuckthatup,too.” Fortunately,thecarafehadshatteredinmostlylargeshards,soitdidn’ttake toolongforJontogetmostofit,thoughitprobablywouldn’tbeabadideatodoapass withthevacuumtoprotectKai’swheels. “Wecouldgotothedinerforbreakfast,”Jonsuggestedbeforeherealizedwhat he’dsaid. Kai’seyesdarkened,andhevisiblystiffened.“Ican’tgothereanymore.” “Ofcourseyoucan.Youlovethatplace.It’sbadenoughyouletNikki’sleaving keepyouawayfromitforsomanyweeks—” JoncouldseeKai’sjawworking,asubtleshimmerinhiseyes,hisfacealmost flickering,likeanout-of-alignmentTVchannel,ashetriedtokeephismaskinplace. “I’mnotexactlyinconspicuous.” “It’sasmalltown,Kai.Everyoneknowseveryone.Thatdoesn’tmeanthey care.” “Everyonedoesn’tknoweveryone.Everyoneknowsme,”Kaisaidwithmore vitriolinhisvoice.“Don’tstandthereandfuckingtellmeIcanpretenditdidn’t happen,”Kaicontinued,emphasizingtheword“stand.”Kaibreathedheavily,staring intenselyatJon,asifheweremerelypausinginhistirade,butthenheshookhishead, andseeminglynotcaringabouthishandortheglass,barreledpastJonandoutintothe livingroom. Afewminuteslater,JonfoundKaionthecouch,hiswheelchairdisassembledashe carefullyexaminedeachtireforanysignsofpuncture,anyhintthathe’dsnaggedsome glassthatwouldcauseaflatatworst,oraleak,atbest.JoncouldseeKai’sfingersand 248 palmwerebleedingthroughtheirbandages,butifKainoticed,hedidn’tseemtocare, focusingintentlyonhistask. “I’msorry,”Jonsaid,perchingatthefarendofthesofatogiveKaiasmuch spaceaspossible. Kaididn’tseemtohearhim,settingonetireasideandbeginningonthe second. “Icouldmakeyoupancakes,”Jonofferedafteratensemomentofsilence.Jon couldn’treallyeatthem,becausetheyspikedhisbloodsugartoomuch,butheknewKai likedthem,especiallywithalittlehoneyaddedtothebattertomakethemsweet,even withoutsyrup. Kaididn’trespond.Hefoundasmallpieceofsomething,pluckeditoffthetire, runninghisfingersovertherubber,squeezingit,seemedsatisfiednodamagehad occurred,andsetitaside.Hestareddownattheframe,butdidn’tmovetoreattachthe wheels. “Orwecouldgogetdonuts.There’sthatplacethatopened—” Kaihelduponehand,thoughhisfacewasdevoidofanyemotion.“I’mtrying nottothrowupmymorningmeds,”hesaidinthesamewayyoumightsay,“Igotthe mail.” Jonsighed.“Youneedtoeat.” “Missingamealwon’tkillme,”Kaisaidflatly,pullinghiswheelchairframe closer.Hetookthetimetosmoothhisuninjuredhandoverit,asifheexpectedtofinda flaw.Thedarkbluepaintwaswornoffinsomeplaces,exposingthemetalbeneath,but otherwise,itwasinalmostasgoodconditionaswhenKaihadfirstreceiveditfouryears ago.Kaiwasmeticulousaboutmaintaininghiswheelchair,andthoughhedidn’thave histools,hefelteachboltanyway,searchingforanythatmightbeloose.Jonsuspected itwasawayforKaitokeephishandsandmindbusy. Silencestretched. Finally,Kaispokeagain,layingahandpossessivelyontheframe,hiseyes hiddenbyhishood.“Don’tevertakemychairawayfrommeagain.” Jonblinked,tryingtoprocesswhatKaiwastalkingabout.Shit.Jonhadbeen soexhaustedbythetimehe’dgottenKaisettledhehadn’teventhoughtaboutit,the doseofValiumhe’dtakenforhimselfpullinghimrapidlytowardunawareness. “Sheusedtodothingslikethattome,”Kaisaidinthatsameeerilyemotionless voice.“Takemycrutchesandbraces.”Thenhesnappedthewheelsbackontheframein afewquickmovements,asiftopunctuatetheendoftheconversation. ThehoodshieldedKai’sfacefromthecoldofthepassengerwindow,thoughhecould stillfeelit,dully,throughthefabric.Kai’scarwasstillatDavid’s—whohadtexted severaltimestounobtrusivelyaskifKaiwasOKandsaythatheandhisfather-in-lawto-bewoulddropbylatertogiveKaihiscarback.JonwasgratefulDavidwasn’tbeing pushy—histextsweresuccinct,delightfullyASL-y,anddirect.Nofalsereassurancesor insistencesthatKaitellDavideverything.Damn,KailovedDeafies. Still,KaicouldhardlyhandleJonrightnow,sohe’drepliedsimplywithhis brother’sphonenumber(notthatMegandidn’talreadyhaveit,obviously),tellingDavid todealwithhimfornow.Wheneverhegothisheadonstraight(ha!ifthatwouldever happen),hepromisedhe’dfillDavidin. SoJonwasdriving,notthathewouldhaveletKaidriveanywaywiththe ridiculousamountofdrugsinhissystemrightnow.ButitalsomeantJonhadtried, 249 severaltimes,toalternatelyexplainandapologizeforlastnight,forTuesday,for everything,becausethat’swhatJondid.Hewasamartyr.Iftherewasguilttobehad aboutanything,he’dabsorbitforhimself,likeahumansponge.ItmadeKaiwonderif JonwaslikethatbecauseoffourteenyearsofCatholicindoctrination,orifthatwasjust whoJonwas.KaiwasgladthathisonlyreligiousexposurehadbeentheYoungsand similargoody-two-shoesmissionariesproselytizingtothekidsatCountyHouseoncea month.That,andthecreepyBible-Thumper,“JesusLovesMeMoreThanYou”cliqueat thehearinghighschool,whoalwayscarriedtheirbiblesundertheirarmswhere everyonecouldseeandfollowedthegroupleaderintwoneatrowslikeshewasJesus rebornandtheywereapostles.Kaihadfoundthemincrediblyamusinguntilthey’d decidedtomakehimtheirprojectandprayoverhimatleastonceaweek,convinced thatifhewouldacceptJesusintohisheart,he’dbehealed.Theyweren’tsoentertaining afterthat,butatleastthebullieslefthimalonewhenhewassurroundedbyborn-agains. ButnoneofthiswasJon’sfault.Itwaseasyenoughtoblamehim,atleaston thesurface,butKaiknewthetruth.Hewasadrain,aworthlessparasite,andhealways hadbeen.Peoplewerebetteroffwithouthim,including—maybeespecially—Jon.Hefelt tearspricklebehindhiseyesandthumpedhisheadagainsttheglasstoshakehimself outofit.Dammit,hewasn’tgoingtodothatagain.Dammit.Dammit.Dammit. HefeltJon’shandonhisshoulder,tryingtostillhim.“Kai,it’sOK.Dr.Miller willhelpyouandyou’llgetthroughthis.” Kaistifledalaugh.Jonwasalwayssoconfidentabouteverything.Hehadtruly believed,downtotheverylastday,thatKaiwouldgetatransplant.Really,truly believed.Ifhe’deverdoubted,he’dneverletitshowinfrontofKai.Kaisighedheavily, hisbreathtemporarilyfoggingtheglass.Hewishedhecouldbesocertain. “Youcold?” Evidently,theshiverhadbeenmorevisible,evenwithhiscoatandoversized sweatshirt,thanKaihadthought.Truthwas,hewasfreezing,despitehislayers. ProbablypartiallybecauseoftheValium.“Fine,”Kaisaid,notbotheringwiththerestof thesentence.Englishwassounnecessarilycomplicated. Still,heheardJonfiddlingwiththecontrols,andsoonhefeltevenwarmerair blowingonhim.Heshiveredagain.Ithadsnowedsometimeduringthenight,not heavy,justenoughtobeannoyingandmeltandrefreezewhenthetemperature plummeted,makingtheroadstreacherous.ProbablyextragoodKaiwasn’tdriving. Valiumandicyroadsdidn’tmixverywell. Althoughdrivinghead-onintoatreesoundedprettyappealingrightnow. Dammit.Dammit.Dammit. Kaislippedhisrighthandintothepocketofhissweatshirt,whichwaslarge enoughitpeekedunderthehemofhisjacket.Kai’sfingersfoundthepieceofglasshe’d snuckinthereearlier.Hehadn’tintendedtobreakthecarafe,butoncehehad,itwasan opportunityhecouldn’tpassup.Incaseheneededtoremindhimself,later,that physicalpainwassomucheasierthantryingtodealwiththewarwithinhishead. Theysaidcrazypeopledidn’tknowtheywerecrazy,butKaicouldn’tthinkof anyotherwaytodescribethelasteighteenhours. Kaididn’twaitforJontofinishparkingwhenhepushedthedooropenand heaved,throwingupthelittleamountoffluidhehadinhisstomach,hopingenough timehadpassedthatallhismedshadalreadybeenabsorbed.Thoughpartofhimdidn’t careeitherway. “Dammit,Kai,”Jonswore.“Youshouldhaveeatensomething.” 250 Atleastthat’swhatKaithoughtJonwassaying.Hecouldn’thearhimwellas hisstomachspasmedagainandhetrieddesperatelytothrowupmore,buthehad nothingleft.Hesankbackinhisseat,wedginghisheadinthedoorframe,noteven botheringtoclosethedoor.Notcaringaboutthebittercoldthatsweptin,hisstomach stillcrampingasifitweredisgustedithadtobeapartofhim. Don’tblameyou,Kaithoughtashelethiseyesshut,cherishingthecold.Itwas nicetofeelsomethingoutsideofhimself,somethingsharpandpainfulthathadnothing todowithhisfuckeduphead.Painhecouldfocusonthatwouldn’tgethimcommitted. Kaiheardthatannoyingchimethatmeantthekeywasstillintheignitionbut thedriver’sdoorwasopen,andthenhefeltJoncheckinghispulse,andprobablytalking tohim,too,butitwaslikethecombinationoflowbloodsugarandthesurgeofValium wasmakinghisbraindelightfullyfoggy,andsoitwasalmostliketryingtohear underwater. Evenwiththenausea,evenwiththebrutalhonesty,Kaicouldstarttoseehow dosinghimselfupwithbenzoscouldbenice.Hefeltheavyandgroggy,buttheyalso madeiteasiernottocareaboutanything.Andofcourse,therewasalwaysthe possibility,likeyesterday,ofOD’ing. Dammit.Hewasthinkingfartoomanybadthoughtsthismorning.Andhewas sodruggeduphewasn’tsureifhe’dbeabletohideitfromDr.Miller,either. Eventually,thoughKaiwasn’tsurehowmuchtimepassed—itcouldhavebeen seconds,couldhavebeenminutes—Jonmadesurehewasoutofthewayofthedoorand shutitagain.Amomentlater,KaifeltJonreenter,theshiftofthecarwithhisweight, andthentheyweremoving,presumablytoanotherspot. Dr.Miller’sofficewasinasmallmultistoryofficebuildingwithitsownparking garage,butitbeingthedayafterThanksgiving,presumablytheotherbusinesses— lawyers,accountants,architects,etc.—wereallclosed,leavingthegaragecoldand empty. Kaidrifted,wakingwithastartwhenhefelthisbrothertaponthewindow.Kai forcedhimselfawayfromthedoorasJonopenedit.He’dalreadyassembledKai’schair, andseemedtobeunsureofhowKaiwouldreact.Hereallydidn’twantJontotouchhim rightnow;asillogicalasitseemed,itwaslikeKaiwouldcontaminateJonsomehow. Honestly,Kaijustwantedtopullhimselfoutofthecar,curluponthecoldconcrete floorandletthesoundofthewindhowlingthroughthegaragewashoverhim, monstrouswhooshingsounds,asifthestructureweresomekindofsnoringbeastthat wouldswallowhimup. Itwashardtokeephiseyesopen,andsleepwouldbesonice,because,barring nightmares,itwasanescape. Jon’shandswereonhim,andKaiwastootiredtopushhimaway.“Jesus,Kai. You’refreezing.Ishouldtakeyourbloodpressure.” Kaimanagedtoshakehishead.“FINE,”hesignedlazily.HebattedJonoutof thewayandbarelymanagedtomakethetransferhimselfwithoutfallingonhisass. “I’mworriedaboutyou,”Jonsaidinalowvoicethatmostlygotswallowedby theroarofthewind. “Jointheclub,”Kaisaidtiredly,pushingslowlytowardtheentrance. EventhoughKaihadjoked,duringtheirlastmeeting,thathewouldneversitinthe reclineragain,he’dinsisteduponit,climbingintoitwithbothhisbrother’sandDr. Miller’shelp,butonlyafterturningitsohecouldstillseetheentranceleadingtothe 251 waitingroom,whichmeantDr.Millerhadtoswitchtoanotherchairtokeeplineof sight.AtKai’sinsistence,Jonleftthedooropenbehindhim,proppingitopenwitha chair,andassuringKaihe’dbeinthewaitingroomifheneededhim. Kaihadshiftedhisbodysothathewaslyingsideways,hislegstucked,hishead lazilydrapedonthearmcushion.Aslong-limbedasKaiwas,itdidn’tseemlikeavery comfortableposition,thoughitwasdefensiveanddefeatedandperhapsprojectedmore aboutKai’scurrentmoodthananythinghecouldhavetoldher.Shealsonoticedhewas dressedinbaggysweats,thegianthoodmaskingmostofhisface,hisgoldenhair uncharacteristicallybrushedsoitcoveredhiseyes.Kaiwashidinghimselfwithhishair andclothesandposture,whetherherealizeditornot. “Howareyoufeelingthismorning,Kai?” “Medicated,”hesaidflatly,hisvoicecomingoutalittlemuffled. Dr.Millersuspectedtoday’ssessionwaspotentiallygoingtobeasdifficultas theirfirst.“DoestheValiumhelp?” Kaishrugged. “Kai.” Hesighed.“No.Givemeenoughtokillanormalpersonanditknocksmeout foralittlewhile.Itcontrolssomeofthephysicalanxietysymptoms,butitdoesn’tstop mybrainfromhavingacrazyparty,ifthat’swhatyou’reasking.”Kai’svoicewastired, butnotinthesenseofexhaustionorwearinessfromthedrugs.Rather,itwasmore exasperation.Sherememberedhowinitiallyhe’dbeenconvincedhecouldn’tbehelped, andshewonderedifhewasthinkingthatnow,too. Shedidn’tbothertochastisehimforusingtheword“crazy,”thoughshedid findhisphrasing—killanormalperson—interesting.“Kai,haveyouhurtyourselfsinceI sawyouTuesdaymorning?” Sheheardtheleathersquelchasheshifted,liftinghishead,peeringather throughhishair.“Technically,no,”hesaid,andshesawthehintofagrimace,asifhe hadn’tintendedtobethatforthcoming. “Technically?” Hesighed,asifheknewshewouldn’tlethimleaveitatthat,eventhoughhe didn’twanttogointoit.“JonandIgotintoafightTuesdayafternoon.HetoldmeIwas selfishandneededtogetovermyselfandthathewasmovingout.”Dr.Millercouldn’t seeKai’sface,butshecouldhearthesubtletrembleinhisvoice,likehewastryingto speakdispassionatelybutfailing. “Yes,hementionedthattomeyesterday.” Kaireachedovertopushhishairoutofhiseyes,toseeDr.Millermoreclearly. “When?” “Yesterdayafternoon,hebroughtyouhomeandyouhadanotherflashback, andhehadtogiveyoumorediazepambecauseyouweregettinghystericallyviolent.Do yourememberthat?” Kaipushedhimselfupsomemore.“I’mnotsure,”hesaid,confusionand surpriseinhisvoice.“Everything’sallfuckedupinmymemory.” Dr.Millertappedherpenonhernotebook.“Hewasveryworriedaboutyou, concernedsomeofthethingshe’dsaidhadpushedyou...”Dr.Millercorrectedher wording.“Hadbeenhardforyoutodealwith.” Kaiseemedshaken,pushinghimselfupsohewassitting,thoughhegathered hislegstohischestagain.“WhyamInotstrappedtoahospitalbedrightnow?” Kai’sperceptivenessneverceasedtoamazeDr.Miller,evenheavilymedicated 252 andnotfullyhimself.“Jonwasworriedyou’dthinkhehadbetrayedyou.” Kaitookinaharshbreath.“WhenIgothomeandsawhe’dmovedout,I...” Kaidroppedhisforeheadtohisknees,hisvoicecomingoutamufflingecho.“Iwanted tograbaknifeandjustcutuntilthatwastheonlyhurtIcouldfeel.” “Butyoudidn’t?” Shesawasubtleshakeofhisheadinresponse.“Instead,Igotdrunk.Ispent TuesdaynightandallWednesdaydrunk.” Dr.Millerscribbledsomenotesfuriously.Kaihadadmittedtophysically harminghimselffromtimetotime,butneveranythingsubstancerelated.Considering theveritablepharmaceuticalbonanzathathadtoexistinKai’smedicinecabinetat home,thisrevelationwasconcerning.“Isthatsomethingyou’vedonebefore?” “What?” “Drinkyourselfintooblivion?” Kaishookhisheadagain.“Idon’tlikealcohol.Butitwasthatorriskdoing worsewiththeknife,so...” “Andwhataboutdrugs?” Kaihesitatedalongmomentbeforefinallyreplyingwithadefeatedsigh.“No.. .not...notreally...but...it’sbeenonmymindlately.” Dr.Millertookadeepbreath,sethernotepadandpendownforamomentso shecouldgiveKaiherfullfocus.“Kai,haveyouthoughtaboutsuicide?” Kaitrembled,whichsheheardinhisbreathingmorethansawwiththat cavernoussweatshirt.“Yes.Idon’twantto,butitkeepspoppingintomyhead.”He releasedhislegs,slippinghishandsintothepocketofhishoodie. “Why?” Kaishookhishead.“Iguess...Iguess,especiallyyesterday—today—fuck,my lastfreakoutwasonlyafewhoursago.”Hisshoulderstrembledagain,asifhewere tryingtokeephiscontrolbutitwasstrugglingtobreakthroughanyway.“Itfeelslike.. .”Kaishookhishead. “Likewhat,Kai?It’sOK.” Kaitookinabreath,asifitwereastruggletogettheairtoenterhisbody. “LikeI’velostwhateverbitofsanityIhadleft.WhateverounceofcontrolIstillhad.Like thereisnolightattheendofthetunnel,andwhetherIwantitornot,I’mgoingtohurt myself.”Kaiwassurprisinglycalm,anddespitehisinsistencethattheValiumdidn’t work,Dr.Millersuspecteditwasresponsible. “It’snotuncommontofeeldepressedandevensuicidalafteracrisis,”Dr. Millersaid,choosingherwordscarefully.“Butaflashback—whichiswhatyou’ve experienced—isnotpsychosis.Itmayfeellikeyou’relosingtouchwithreality,butit’s reallyadissociativeexperience.Thinkofitalmostlikeaparticularlyvividdaydream, onlythesevisionsarefromyourmemory.Doesthatmakesense?” Kaiswepthishairoffhisfaceforamoment,andshesawhiseyeswererawand desperate,likehemighthavebrokendownintooneofhissobbingfitsifthedrugs weren’trestraininghim.Still,helookedparticularlydefeated.Andnotterribly convinced.“Idon’tremembermostofwhathappenedyesterday,betweenlosingmyself inthese...flashbacksandallthedrugs.Andyou’retellingmethat’snormal.” “NormalforsomeonewithPTSD,yes.” “Sometimes,whenI’minabadpanicattack,liketheoneIhadatthediner,I thinkI’mgoingtodie,andIwelcomeit,becauseit’llmeanit’sover.WhydoIkeep thinkingaboutitnowevenwhenI’m...”Kaiseemedtosearchfortheword.“Fine?”He 253 laughedbitterly.“Dammit,ifI’mfine,thenthepope’sJewish.” “Whatareyouthinkingaboutrightnow,Kai?” Kaiwasstillalongmomentbeforehefinallypulledahandfrominsidethe pocketofhishoodie.Heopenedhispalm,revealingalargeshardofglass. AsurgeofdreadreflexivelyshotthroughDr.Miller’sbodyasshequicklyrose totaketheglass.Itwasclean,thoughKaihadcutsonhisleftfingersandpalm.They weren’tfresh,though. “Kai?” Hehelduphislefthand.“Thathappenedearlythismorning,duringa flashback,”hesaid,wavingitaway.“That,”hesaid,indicatingtheglass,“brokeafew hoursagoandI’vebeenwantingtouseiteversince.” “Butyoudidn’t,”Dr.Millersaid,staringatit.WithKai’sstrength,evenonthe musclerelaxant,ifhehadwantedto,hecouldhavedonesomeseriousharmtohimself. Hesighedheavily,almostasifheweredisappointedwithhimselfthathe hadn’tusedtheglass,thathe’dgivenitup.Telling.“No.Otherthanthealcoholand somequestionablejudgments,andwhatevershitIdotomyselfwhenI’mlostina memory,”hesaid,hisvoicedrippingwithscornonthefinalword,“Ihaven’thurt myself.” Sheknewhewasn’tlying,soshefinallyreturnedtoherseat.“Haveyougiven anymoreconsiderationtohospitalization?” Kaihesitated,thenfinallynodded.“Itprobablymakesmeevenmorecrazythat theappealofbeingdruggedunconsciousisgreaterthanmyfearofbeinglockedup?” ThatmadeDr.Millerfrownsternly.Butsheletherselffocus.Thethemehere, betweenKai’ssuicidalandself-harmingthoughtsandmagnetismtowardchemical assistancewasescape(whichshe’drecalledhe’dsaidhehadusedsexforinthepast). “Whatareyousoafraidof,Kai?It’smorethantheflashbacks.Iknowyoubetterthan that.” Kailookedather,surprisedagain,perhapsattheshiftindirection.“Idon’t understand.” “Ithinkyoudo.” Kaiwassilentalongmoment,contemplating,staringlonginglyatthe confiscatedglass,almostasifhewishedhehadn’trelinquishedit. “Whatareyousodesperatetoescaperightnow?Didsomethingotherthanthe flashbackshappenyesterday?” Kaireachedupandfiddledwithhishood,asifheweredebatingpullingit downfartherandfurtherhidinginit.“IranintoNikkiyesterdaymorning,”Kaisaidona sigh. Dr.Miller’seyebrowswentupreflexively.“And?” “Shetriedtopretendlikenothinghappened,likewecouldjustpickupwhere weleftoff.” “And?” “ItoldherIwaswithRenee,but...”Kaishookhishead. Dr.MillerwaitedforKaitofinish. “I’mstillattractedtoher.ButItoldheroffandthenIwentandthrewup,and thenIbrokedownandsobbedlikeafuckingkindergartener.”Kai’svoiceroseinhis usualself-directedanger. Dr.Millerscribbledafewnotes.“Doyourememberwhathappenedbeforeyour first‘freakout’—touseyourwords—thatpromptedyoutocometomeinitially?” 254 ShesawKaifreeze.“No,”hetried,thoughwhatshecouldseeofhisface revealedhedidn’texpecthertobelievethelie. “Kai.” Hesighedheavily,rubbedhisarmwithonehand.Couldthesedatingeffectsof thediazepambewearingoffalready?“Becca.” Dr.Millernodded,addedhernametoalistinoneportionofhernotes.“And doyourememberoneofthemaintopicsofourlastmeeting?” Kaihesitated,notthathehadtothink,butmorelikehedidn’twanttoanswer. “Re,”hefinallyrepliedresignedly. Anothernameforthelist.“Soyouhaveyourfirstmajorpanicattackandseries ofnightmaresinrecentmemoryafterBeccareappearsinyourlife.ThenNikkileaves youandyouhaveanothermajorbreakdown.Reneegoeshomefortheweekandyou haveapanicattackinpublic,coincidentallyafteryourfirstsexualexperiencewithher... .”Kailookedlikehewasgoingtointerrupt,butDr.Millerkepttalking.Shewasn’tgoing tolethimderailher.“AndNikkishowsupagainandthatafternoonyouhaveyourfirst flashback.Idon’tbelieveincoincidences.” Kaipushedhishairoffhisface,towardthetopofhishead,whereitstayedfora fewsecondsbeforeslowlycreepingbackdown.Still,itgaveherenoughtimetoseehow strickenhelooked. “Beccaleftyouwhenyouwerevulnerable.SodidNikki,evenifshesupposedly hadgoodintentions.Andyou’reconvincedthatReneeisgoingtoleaveyou,too,again, whenyou’revulnerable,onceshefiguresoutthe‘real’you.Addtothefactthatyour brother,theoneperson—exceptperhapsyourfriendDavid,whileyoulivedatCounty House—whohasbeenacertaintyinyourlifebeforeandsincethosetwelveyearsmight suddenlybenotsoconstant.”Dr.MillerfixedhergazeonKai.“That’salotofstress, Kai.” Kai’seyebrowsfurrowedthreateningly,buttherewasnomaliceinhisvoice whenhespoke.“Whatareyousaying?” Dr.Millersoftenedhertone.“Youwereabusedbyyouraunt,andyouarereexperiencingmemoriesofthatabuse.Youneverreallydealtwiththatbefore,justdid yourbesttoburyitandpretenditdidn’taffectyou.Butthepastfewmonthshave broughteverythingbacktolight,andIthinkBeccawaslikelythetrigger.”Dr.Miller lookedatKaiearnestly,thoughitwasimpossibletoseehiseyesbetweenhishairandthe hood.“Ithinkpartofthereasonyou’restrugglingsomuchwithnightmaresand flashbacksisbecauseofyouroverarchingfearsofabandonmentandself-esteemissues, feelingsofworthlessnessandhelplessness.Thosememoriesareaperfectechoofthe innerturmoilyou’vebeengoingthroughsinceyourtransplant.” Kailaughed,thoughitwasdefensive,hollow,forced.“Youcouldn’thave soundedmorelikeashrinkinthoselastsentencesunlessyou’dthrownin‘Oedipus complex’orsomething.” Dr.Millerchosetoignorehissnark.“Whatdoyourememberofyourlifebefore yourparentsdied?” Dr.Millerwasn’tsureifitwastheeffectsofthedrugdimmingKai’snormally sharp-as-steel,cut-through-bullshitmind,butshe’dtotallythrownhimoffguard,again. “What?” “WhatmemoriesdoyouhavefrombeforeyouwenttoCountyHouse?” Kairolledhisneck,whichcrackedloudly.“Notmany,”headmitted.“I rememberHalloween1983,becauseitwastheonlytimeIwenttrick-or-treating.I 255 rememberbitsofthatwinter,becauseIwassickwithpneumoniaforalongtime.Most ofmymemoriesarelessconcrete,like,bitsandpiecesIcouldn’tsaywhentheywere from.IrememberJonfeedingmeandplayingwithmeandsigningwithme.Iremember himpoundingmybackandhelpingmecough.Irememberhimbathingmeandholding mewhenIwashavingtroublebreathing.Irememberhimreadingtome.Stretchingand massagingmylegswhentheyhurt.”Kaitookinabreath,hiseyesrolledbackasifhe weresearchingtheceilingforanswers.“Iremembermysister,vaguely.Ithinkshehad darkhair,unlikeJonandme,butbrightblueeyeslikemine.Iremembershewasalways whiningthatJontreatedmedifferentandthathewouldyellatherandnotatme.I rememberhercomplainingitwasn’tfairthatIgotmoreattentionthanshedid.I rememberbeingjealousofher,thatshecouldtalkandIcouldn’t,andthatshedidn’t haveproblemswalkingorbreathing.Thatherlegsneverhurther.ThatMomlovedher more.”Kaiblinked,asifheseemedsurprisedatwhathe’dsaid,likehe’dbeenfollowing sometrailinhismind,notrealizingwhereitwouldtakehim. “Doyounoticeatrendinthesememories,howeverfragmentedandnonspecifictheymaybe?” “I’msureyou’regoingtotellme,”Kaisaidwearily.Kaidefinitelywasn’t himself.Exhaustedphysicallyandmentally,probablypartiallybecauseoftheValium, partiallybecauseofthelasttwenty-fourhours. “Youhaven’tmentionedyourparentsatall.AllofthosememoriesinvolveJon. AndnotjustJon,butJonactinginaparentalrole.Howmucholderthanyouishe?” Kairubbedhisface,asifheweretryingtostayawake.“Almosteightyears.” “So,in1983youwerehowold?Five?” Kainodded. “Forthesakeofargument,let’ssayyourmemoriesstartthen,thoughI’msure someofthemareolder.ThatwouldhavemadeJonthirteen?” Kaishrugged. “AndI’massumingthatyouneededmorecareasayoungchildthanatypical kidofyouragedid.” Kaiscowled. “Idon’tmeanthatinajudgmentalway,Kai.Youknowthisisajudgment-free zone.I’mjusttryingtolaythefactsout.” Kaisighed.“Yeah.IhadmajorbreathingproblemsuntilIwasaboutseven, whentheyleveledoutalittleforawhile.AndIdon’tremember,butaccordingtoJon,I didn’treallywalkuntilIwasthree,andthatwasonlyafteralotofphysicaltherapyand withorthotics.Andofcourse,Ididn’ttalk,andapparentlyhadproblemseatingformy firstfewyears.”Kaisighed.“I’mnotnormal;weknowthat.Dowehavetotalkabout this?” Dr.Millerdecidedtoignorehisuseoftheword“normal”fornow.“I’mtrying tomakethepointthatJonisa‘protector.’It’sfairlytypicalfortheoldestchildinan abusivefamilytogrowupquickly,becomea‘littleadult’andassumetherolesthatthe parentalfiguresaren’tserving.Makingsureeveryone’sfed,thattheclothesarewashed, theotherchildrenarecaredfor....” Kaipushedhimselfup,hisbackstraight,hishoodfallingoff.“You’resayingour parentswereabusive?Thatthat’swhyIdon’trememberthem,becauseofrepressionor someshitlikethat?”Kaiwasgettingangry,whichDr.Milleractuallysawasagoodsign, becausetherelativeapathyoftherestofthesession,combinedwithhisadmitted suicidalideations,hadconcernedher.Angermeanthewasengaged. 256 “Notnecessarily,atleastnotintentionally.Buttheywereobviouslyabsentin somewayifyourbrotherfeltcompelled—evenatagethirteen,perhapsyoungerthan that—tostepinandtakecareofyou.” Kaiblinked. “MypointisthatyourememberJon,notyourparents,becausepotentiallyhe wastheonlysignificantparentalfigureinyourlife,forwhateverreason.” Kaiseemedtoletthatsinkin.“SoIwasfuckedupbeforeIevengottoCounty House,letalonemysummeroffun.” Dr.MillerscribbledanoteaboutKai’ssardonicreferencetothetimehespent withhisaunt,butnodded.“Thefactthatoneofyourmemoriesfromthattimeisbeing jealousyourmothercaredforyoursistermorethanyouistelling,don’tyouthink?” Kai’sforeheadwrinkled,justbarelyvisiblebeneathhishair.“Ialwaysbelieved theydidn’tlovemebecauseIwas...broken,”Kaisaidinasmallvoice.“Jonsaysour daddid,butIdon’trememberhimatall.” “Doyouseeyourselfasbroken?” Dr.MillerheardKaiswallow,turnhishead,lookdown,clearlyashamed. Withoutaword,Kaibrushedhisbangsbackoverhiseyes,resecuredhishood,and settledhimselfdownintohisoriginalpositionfromthestartofthesession,making himselfassmallandinvisibleaspossible,whichspokevolumes. Still,Dr.MillerworriedshewaslosingKaiagain,asheseemedtobeshutting downfast.“Tellmewhatyou’refeelingrightnow.” Kaididn’tanswer,butsherealizedhewascryingsoftly. “It’sallright,Kai,butIcan’thelpyouifyoudon’ttalktome.” “Please,”Kaipleaded.“Pleasedon’tmakemetalkaboutthis.” ThatstruckDr.Miller.IfKaididn’twanttotalkaboutsomething,hedidn’t.He gotangry.Hegotsnarky.Heartfullychangedthesubject.ThiswasKaimorelikehe’d beenthatdayinthehospital,whenhe’dbeensufferingfromValiumwithdrawals.She addedthattohernotes.“Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout,then?” ThequestionsurprisedKai,andsheheardhimsniffle,takeabreath.“Whyis thishappeningtome?” “What,Kai?”sheasked,pressinghimtobemorespecific. “WhyamIlosingmyself?”Kai’svoicewasfullofsuchrawdespairitpushed throughDr.Miller’sshieldsandmadeherevenmoredeterminedtoensureKailefther officefeelingatleastalittlebetter.SherememberedKaitalkingbefore,briefly,about howhedidn’tknowwhohewasanymore,post-transplant.Itwasn’tatopichetalked aboutmuch,butshe’dgleanedthathedefinitelyhadidentityissues.Shewrote,Selfand identitydysregulation?andboxeditin,hopingitwassomethingshecouldtacklemore later. “Whatdoyoumean?”Dr.Millerqueried,hopingtogetKaitoelaboratebefore heshutdownagain. “It’slike...I’veneverbeenabletocontrolmybody.Itdoeswhatitwants. Alwayshas.Butmymind?That’salwaysbeenmine,andIfeellikelately...”Dr.Miller heardmorequiettearsbeforeKaifinallyexplained,“It’slikeI’velostit,inmoreways thanone.LikeI’velostmyself....That’swhythisisso...whyI’mso...”Kaiwas breathingalittlefaster. “It’sallright,Kai.Remember,it’sOKtoexpressyouremotions.Howdoes ‘losingyourself’makeyoufeel?” “I’mscared.”SheheardtheshudderinKai’svoice,sawhimgriphislegstighter 257 tohisbody.“I’veneverwalkedwell,Icouldn’ttalkmostofmylife,andthat’swhy...” Kaihesitated.“Iwasweak,andpeopletookadvantageofthat.Idon’twanttobeweak, but...Ican’tcontrolmybody.Ican’tcontrolthatI’mprobablynotcured,andthatnot onlyaffectsmebutothers.Jon....Thispatientofhiswhowon’tgetatransplant becauseofme.He’sjustafuckingkid,Dr.M.”Kaipaused,theonlysoundhisragged breathingashestruggledtocollecthimself.“That’swhyJonandIfought.”Alongpause, whereKaididn’tevenseemtobebreathing,andwhenhefinallymadeasound,Dr. Millerrealizedhe’dbeenattemptingtopreventhimselffrombreakingdownintomore tears,quietweepingsoundsseepingoutdespitehisattemptstostopthem.“Andnow... Ican’tevencontrolmyconsciousness?WhetherIhurtsomeone?Myself?Whatthefuck isleftofme?Ican’teventrustwhat’srealandwhatisn’t.” Feelingweak—broken,ashe’dindirectlyadmittedtoearlier—outofcontrol, andguiltywereallprettyparforthecoursewithsomeonewithahistorylikeKai’s,butit wasgoodtoseehimadmittingtosomeofitatleast,insteadofavoidingthesubject,as hehadearlier.“Icanunderstandwhyyoufindthisfrightening,butyouknownooneis fullyincontrolofthemselvesatalltimes—” “I’msoscaredoflosingeveryone.Jon.”Kai’svoicebroke.“Ireallythought... I’dneverseenhimangrylikethatbefore,notatme.Andhetookallhisinsulinwithhim. ...”Kailetoutashortsob.“David.WhatthefuckhaveIeverdoneforhim,otherthan interpretfromtimetotime?AllIdoisusehim.AllIdoisuseeveryone.Jon.Nikki.Re.. ..”Kaibrokedowninearnestnow,eithergivingupontryingtocontainhistearsor losingthebattle.Heburiedhisfacecompletelyinthehood,hishair,andhisknees, cryingforalongwhile.“I’mso,soscaredofendingupalone.Allalone.” Dr.MillerwasbeginningtowonderifKai’sfearsofabandonmentandisolation weremorethansymptomsofhishistoryandtheabusehe’dsuffered,certainly pathological.Hehadn’tgivenheranyindicationsthathehadthedesperationof preventingsaidabandonmentinthesamewaysomeonewithBPDmight,butshe wonderedifpartofhisfearsabout“losinghimself”wereanextensionofthatsame terrorofaloneness.Madness,evenifitwasn’ttrueinsanityinthesenseofpsychosis, wascertainlyisolating,especiallyifitforcedKaitorelivethemomentsinwhichhefelt mostalone,themosthelpless,inhislife. “Doyouknowwhataself-fulfillingprophecyis?”sheasked,hopingtodiga littledeeperintotheissue. Kailetoutasoundofconfusedsurprise. “It’swhenyoubelievesomethingsostronglythatyoumakeittrue.”Dr.Miller shiftedinherseat.“Iseeitalotinpatientswho’vesufferedabuse.You’reconvincedthat badthingswillhappen.Thatpeoplewillleaveyou,so,consciouslyornot,yousabotage.” Kaipushedhimselfup,partially,sohewasn’tonewiththerecliner,whichwas potentiallygood.Thehintofangerinhisvoicewasgood,too.“So,what,I’msopathetic thatIhavetocreatedrama,likeyesterday,tokeeppeoplefromleavingme?Like,Iwas soafraidoflosingJonforeverIwentcrazyjusttogethimbackandkeephimclose?So nowyou’regoingtotellmeI’mfuckingMunchausenorsomething,likeImakeallthis shitupbecauseI’msofuckingscaredofbeingalone?”WhatDr.MillercouldseeofKai’s eyeswereangry,thoughafewstraytearstraceddownhischeeksanyway.“Ormaybe,I dothisshitsopeoplewillleaveme,soIcanblametheminsteadofme?”Hiseyes widenedwithrealization,thoughshecouldonlyseeoneeyeclearlythroughhishairand hood.“That’swhatIdidwithBeccaandNikki,didn’tI?”Hisgazewasdirected downwardashecontinued,speakingalmosttohimself.“Iwasgoingtodothatwith 258 Renee,too.”Kaisuddenlybecameveryagitated.“Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.”Shesawoneofhis handsdiveintohispocket,andshejumpedup,worriedthathemighthaveanother pieceofglass,butthenheletoutaharshsoundoffrustration,asifhe’dforgottenhe’d givenittoher.“Itwouldbeeasytouseallthisshittopushheraway.”Kaicrumpled. “Dammit.Iloveher,”hesaid,surprisedasthewordsspilledout.ItsurprisedDr.Miller, too,who,knowingthelimiteddetailsofhisrelationshipwithBecca,hadn’tbelievedKai wouldbecapableofadmittinglovesosoon.“Butwhatwehaveisn’treal.” ThatgotDr.Miller’sattention.“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?” “Itcan’tbereal.Itcan’tlast,”Kaisaid,hisbreathingquickening.“Lookatme. I’mafuckingmess.IpissedmyselflastnightbecauseIwassofucking...”Kaigrunted asifhedidn’twanttoadmitit.“...scared,lostinanotherfuckingwakingnightmare.Re deservessomuchbetter.Someonewhoisn’tsuchaneedy,insecurelittlebitch.Fuck. Dammit.Fuck.”Kaiwashittingthechair,asifheweredesperatelyinneedofthrowing something,hischestjerkinglikehewantedtosobagainbutcouldn’tquitegetthere becauseofhisanger.Heletoutafrustratedscream,reachinguptopullathishair, breathingheavily. Dr.Millerinchedtowardherdesk. “MaybeIshouldletherseemelikethis,soshecangetscaredoffforgoodand. ..”Kaiwasrambling,asifhisthoughtswerejustspillingoutuncensored.“Andthat’s exactlywhatyoumean,self-sabotage,right?” Dr.MillerfoundherstashofXanaxandtappedoutasinglequarterofapill,a smalldose.“YouadmittedtomethatReneemakesyouhappy,thatshemakesyoufeel free,alive.Safe.”Sheheadedforherminifridgetogrababottledwater. “Shedoes.God,shemakesmefeellikenooneelseeverhas,notevenBecca, notevenNikki....Sexwithherwasevensomethingcompletelydifferent.WithBeccait was...”Hehesitated,shookhishead.“Awayforhertocontrolme,Ithink,”Kaisaid, hiswordsfullofdisgust,hishandonhisstomachasifheweregoingtothrowup. “Dammit.”Hetookafewsteadyingbreaths.“AndNikkiwasaboutescape.Forgetting. ButRe.WithRe....”Kaisighed.“Ialmostdidn’tcareaboutgettingoff.Howfuckedup isthat?Ijust...Ijustwantedtobewithherandmakeherfeelgood,makehernot regretbeingwithme.”Kai’sagitationwasgrowing,hishandssearchingforsomethingto keepthemoccupied.“Withherit’sjust.”Hesighed,frustratedhecouldn’texplain himself.“WhenI’mwithher,everythingis...peaceful.Like,Idunno,likeitcan’tbe real,becauseit’stooperfect.Lifeisn’tlikethat.”Kaishookhishead,almostviolently,as ifdoingsocouldtossthethoughtsphysicallyoutofhishead.“Thisissostupid.I’mso stupid.”Kaiwhackedhisheadwiththebaseofhisfists.“IlethertrustmeandI’mjust goingtototallydestroyher.”Kai’sangerdidn’tebb,buthesoondissolvedintotears.“All thesememories...alltheseyearsItoldmyselfitwasn’ttrue,”Kaisaid,almostbabbling tohimself,cuppinghishandsoverhiseyes.“Whatif...everythingsheeversaid... everythingthebulliesinschooleversaid...whatiftheywererightaboutme?” “Kai,”Dr.Millersoothed,snaggingonehandandofferinghimthebottle. “Drinksomewater.HaveyouevertakenXanaxbefore?” Kaiobeyed,sniffling,eagertotakeoutsomeofhisfrustrationonthebottle, swallowingafewgulpsgreedily.“Yes.OncethatIknowof.MyfirstfreakoutNikkigave mesome.” “Anditworkedforyou?” Kaiseemedconfused,butnotsomuchbythequestion,moreathavingbeen derailed.Henodded. 259 “Here,”shesaid,offeringhimthepill.“Ithinkthis’llhelpyourightnow.” Kaitookit,staredatitamoment,checkedhereyesasifhedidn’ttrusther,but finally,heswallowedthepill.Thenheletsomeofthetensiongooutofhisbody,sinking backintohisdefeated,secureposition. “Iknowyoudon’tthinkso,”Dr.Millersaid,retakingherseat,“butflashbacks canbeasignofrecovery.Itmeansyou’rereadytofaceyourtraumasheadonandmove pastthem.” Kaisighedheavily.Hewasshaking,almostshivering,wrappinghisarms tighteraroundhislegs. “Sometherapistsliketheirpatientstodealwiththeflashbackswithoutdrugs, butIbelieveyou’realsodealingwithdepression,somethingIthinkyou’vebeen strugglingwithsinceyourtransplant.Wouldyouagreewithme?” Kailetoutalongsigh.“Isnowthetimeyoutellmemy‘suicidalideation’isan extensionofmy‘inabilitytoacceptmycontinuedsurvival,’orsomethinglikethat?” Kai’swordsweremocking,asifhewerequotinghisprevioustherapist,buthejust soundedtired.Therealitywas,Dr.MillersuspectedpartofKai’sproblemsdidarise fromthat,fromacombinationoftwistedsurvivor’sguilttowhatessentiallyamounted toAdjustmentDisorder—Kai’sstruggletoaccepthisnewlife,post-transplant. “Whatdoyouthink?” Kaigrunted.AfterDr.Millersaidnothing,though,hefinallyspoke.“Ispent mostofmylifebeingtoldIwasn’tgoingtolive,orIwasgoingtodieyoung.Ididn’t reallyexpectI’dmakeittoeighteen,andIspentmostofthetimebetweenthenandnow activelydying.Ineverexpectedtobehere,togotoschoolandmeetagirlwhocouldbe. ..”ShecouldhearKai’sbreathingslowasthemedicinebegantowork.Heshookhis headandlookedaway,asifhewereshuttingdownagain. “Couldbewhat,Kai?”Dr.Millerpromptedwhenitdidn’tseemlikeKaiwas goingtocontinueonhisown. Kaisighedheavily,wipedhiseyeswithhissleeves,thendroppedthem,staring downatthemtoavoidhergaze.“It’sgayasfuck,Iknow,but...Ijust...wanted someonetoloveme.”KailetthewordshangintheairforamomentasDr.Millerwrote thatdown.Itwasn’tasurprisingadmissionbasedonKai’shistoryandthetypesof thingshe’drevealedtoherbefore,butitwasgoodforhimtosayitoutloud,blatantly. Kailookedupthroughthecurtainofhishair.“Notbecausetheywereobligatedorforced ordaredorwantedtofuckaroundwithmyhead.IthoughtIhadthatwithBecca,butI wasstupidandnaive....I’mprettysureRelovesme,thoughhow,Ihavenofucking idea.”Kai’svoicehitched,likehewasgoingtobreakdownagain,buthedidn’t.“Inever reallyplannedformyfuture,becauseIneverthoughtI’dhaveafuture.AndnowIhave Re,and...”Kaididbreakdownnow,butitwasaquietintensity,perhapsmediatedby theXanax.“...Iwanteverythingwithher.Iwantitsobaditterrifiesme,becauseit’s easynottocareaboutsomethingyouknowyoucanneverhave.Right?”Hepushedhis hairoutofhisface,revealingred-rimmed,desperate-lookingeyes.“Like,I’venever walkednormally,soit’snotsomethingImiss,right?Howcanyoumisssomething you’veneverhad,thatyou’llneverhave?”ConsideringKai’sissueswithfeeling“broken” ornot“normal,”andlackingcontrol,andhisadmission,earlier,thatthelabels(suchas “freak”and“fuckedup”and“worthless”)giventohimbyhisauntandothersmightbe “true,”Dr.MillerwonderedhowhonestKaiwasbeing,notjustwithher,butwith himself.Dr.Millerdidn’tinterrupt,though,makinganotetoexploretheconceptlater. “But...”Kaiwasn’tbotheringtohidehistears,lookingthroughthemtoward 260 Dr.Millerlikethelastpuppyinalitterstaringout,alone,fromtheglassofapetshop, certainnoonewouldevertakehimhome.“IwantforeverwithRe.Dammit.How fuckingsentimentalisthat?Ihaven’tevenfuckingknownherthatlong.I’msucha fuckingidiot.”Kai’sswearingalwaysincreasedwhenhegotparticularlyangrywith himself.Heshookhisheadasmoretearsfell.Wipedhisnosewiththebackofhishand. “Iwantit,butIdon’tevenknowifIcansurvivetoday.Idon’tknowifIdeserveit,even ifIcan.” Dr.Millertookherowndeepbreath.“Firstofall,Kai,thankyouforbeingso openwithme.Iknowthatwasn’teasyforyou.” Kaibreathedoutnoisily,sunkdownintotherecliner,hiseyelidsdrooping.The Xanax,probably. “Second,noonecangiveanyone‘forever.’That’sonereasonmarriagevowsare until‘deathdouspart.’Third,desiringloveisnormalforanyone,butespecially someonewhogrewuplargelywithoutparentalaffection.You’vetoldmeaboutCounty House;youdidn’texactlyhaveamotherorfatherfigurethere.Youtalkaboutthat experienceasifitwereincarceration.Soit’sunderstandableforsomeonelikeyouto cravetheintimacyyouneverhadgrowingup.”Dr.Millertookadeepbreath.“Butmost importantly,wantingsomethingyou’renotsureyoucanhaveispartoflife,Kai.And you’vebeenblessedwithlife,whetherit’saweekoradecadeormore.Lifeisscary,but haveyoueverreallyletfearstopyoufromdoingwhatyouwanted?” Kaishrugged.EitherthedrugwascombiningwiththeValiuminhissystem andmakinghimgroggy,orhewassimplypsychologicallyexhausted.Bothwere legitimatepossibilities. “Deathiseasy.Thedeadhavenoproblems,nofears,nodoubts.Ithinkit’svery possiblethatpartofyouwishesyouhadn’tbeentransplanted,thatyouhaddiedlast year,soyoucanfantasizeaboutnotneedingtodealwithanyofthedifficultemotions thathaveplaguedyousincethen.” FreshtearsspilledoutofKai’seyes,buthesaidnothing. “Ithinkthere’sareasonwhyyoufindtalkingaboutyourlastcoupleyearspretransplantharderthantalkingaboutthesummeryouspentwithyouraunt.”Dr.Miller grabbedtheboxoftissuesfromthenearbytable,rose,andofferedthemtoKai.“But thinkofallthethingsyouhavegottentoexperienceinthelastyear.Yes,you’vehad heartache,butyou’vealsohadhappinessandlove.Youwon’tsaytheword,butIknow you’vewantedto.YouseeReneeas‘theone,’andmaybeyou’rewrong,buthowmany peopleattwenty-two—orevenatanyage—cansaythey’vefoundthatkindoflovein theirlife?Andthatdoesn’tcountyourbrother,whoIknowwouldinsulateyoufrom everyhurtintheworldifitwasinhispower,helovesyouthatmuch.Hegotangrywith youbecausehelovesyou.Doesthismakesense?” Kaiblewhisnose,coughedforseveralminutes,wheezing,thencoughedsome more.Kainodded. “Iconsidermyselfprettyconservativewhenitcomestoprescribingformy patients,butIwouldliketoproposetwoadditionstoyourmedications,ifyou’llhearme out.” Kaigrabbedmoretissues,coughedmore,wipedhisface.TheXanaxreallydid seemtoworkforhim;hewasfarmoreserenethanhewasbefore,anditwasn’tthe stoned,deadlookoftheValium,either.Henodded. “I’dliketoconsiderofferingyouXanax,totakeonanemergencybasis,like yesterday,whenthehydroxyzineandmindfulnessaren’tenough.” 261 Kaiusedanothertissuetowipesomegunkoutofhiseyes.“Iknowyoujust gavemesome,butcanIreallytakeXanaxandValiumtogether?” “I’dprefer,undernormalcircumstances,youdidn’t.Butyoucan,ifyou’re careful.ButIthinkit’dbebestifyoukeptonlyadoseortwoonyouatatime,andlet Jonholdontoyourbenzodiazepinesforyou.Especiallyatatimelikethis.Doyou understand?” “SoIdon’tkillmyself,”Kaisaidflatly. Dr.Millerdecidedtherewasnoreasontosugarcoatit.“Yes.Especiallysince youmightnotevendoitentirelyintentionally.Youmightsimplybehopingtoturnoff yourpain,andwhenonepilldoesn’twork,you’lltakeanother,andanother....The Xanaxclearlyworksforyou,Kai,”Dr.Millersaidpointedly.“Thatwasonlyhalfa milligram.” Kailaughed.“IthinkyesterdayIhadlike,14,20milligramsofValiumatonce, combinedbetweenpillsandshots.Probablywould’vekilledanormalperson.”Ten milligramswasusuallyconsideredthemaximumdose,butKaihadatolerancefrom takingthedrugforsomanyyears. Dr.Millerfrowned.“Ifyoudon’tthinkyoucantrustyourself,behonestwith me,Kai.” “Idon’ttrustmyself,”Kaisaidwithouthesitation.“ButIdotrustJon.Hewon’t letmehurtmyself,notifhecanhelpit.” Dr.Millernodded.“Ialsowantyoutoconsideranantidepressantcalled Celexa.It’sveryeffectiveforanxiety.I’veseenpatientsrespondwithinonlyafewdays; mostwithinaweekortwo.Itmayalsoeventuallyhelpwithyourmood.Iknowyou’re happywhenyou’rewithRenee,andit’sgoodthatshehelpswithyouranxiety,too.But youknowyoucan’trelyonotherpeopletomakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.” Kailaughedderisivelyatthat,butnodded. “I’lltalktoJon,andyoutwocandiscusswhetherit’ssomethingyouwanttotry ornot.”Shesmiledfaintly.“Howareyoufeelingrightnow?” “Alittlebetter,”Kaiadmitted.“Butthat’slikeaskingtheguywhobarely survivedaT5tornadothatdestroyedhishousearoundhimifhe’sfine.” Dr.Millernodded.“TrytoweanofftheValiumandtaketheXanaxfourtimesa dayinitsplaceforthenextcoupledays.Relax.Ican’tpromiseyouwon’thaveanymore flashbacks,butyoucantrysomeofthetechniquesyouuseforyouranxietytomoderate them.Stimulatingyoursenseswhenyoususpectonemightbecomingcanhelp.Itwon’t alwayspreventthememory,butitcanhelpshiftyourfocussoyou’rewatchingthem insteadoflivingthem.” Kainoddedweakly.“Wouldyou...wouldyoubedisappointedinmeifIused rubberbandsagainforalittlewhile?” “Kai,”Dr.Millersaidgently,“youdon’tneedmyapproval.”Thoughitwas tellinghefelthedid.“I’mnotheretojudgeyou,remember?Ifyouthinkyouneedaway toreleaseyourself-harmingurgesinawaythatisrelativelyharmless,thengoahead. Areyoufeelingthaturgerightnow?” Kailookedsoashamed,likeayoungboywhowantednothingmorethanforhis parenttobeproudofhim.Which,insomeways,evenasanorphan,Kaistillwanted. “Thepastfewdays,ithasn’treallygoneaway....Beforethefirstflashback,Iwas lookingforsomethingtohurtmyselfwith,anythingIcouldfindinmyfriend’s bathroom,buttherewasn’tanything.Andthiswholetime,it’sbeenhoveringintheback ofmymind,kindoflike...kindoflikewhenyou’retoobusytoeat,butyou’rereally 262 hungry,anditkeepstryingtopullyourattentionaway.Ifthatmakessense?” “Let’stryanexercisebeforewego.Iwasn’tsureyouwerereadyforthisquite yet,butit’snotsomethingyoucan‘master’overnight;itcantakeweeks,evenmonths, butyoumightfindithelpful.It’scalledtheCircleofForgiveness.It’samindfulness exercise.” Dr.MillerhadexpectedKaitoresist,atleastsaysomethingsardonic,ashe professedanoutwardscornfortherapeuticexercisesingeneral,thoughlater,heoften would(reluctantly)admittheywerehelpful.Instead,hesimplysaid,“OK.” “Closeyoureyesandimagineyou’reinabeautifulparkinearlysummer.It’s warm,butnothot,andthebirdsarechirping.Somewhere,inthedistance,youcanhear thelaughterofaparty,ormaybeagame,peoplehavingfun.Youcansmellthegrass...” Dr.MillerhalfexpectedKaitointerrupthere,ashesometimeswould,tosaythatfreshcutgrassmadehimwheeze,buthedidn’t.Heseemedtobecooperating,andshe thought,howeverinappropriately,thatmaybesheshoulddrughimwithXanaxbefore sessionsmoreoften.“Someone,maybeattheparty,isgrilling,thescentofcharcoal floatingintheair.You’repeaceful.Content.You’realone,butyou’renotlonely;you’re notscared.Youdon’tacheanywhere;yourmusclesareloose.You’rebreathingslowand deepandrelaxed.” “It’sabeautifulday,”Kaiaddedsleepily.“Theskyisbrightblueandclear,with onlyafewclouds,andthere’sawarmbreezethatfeelslikeadelicatetouchonmyskin.” Kaisighedsoftly.Henormallywasneverthiscooperative. “That’sgood,”sheencouraged.“Inthedistance,youseepeopleapproaching youfromallsides,butthey’renotthreatening.You’renotscaredatall.Infact,you’re happythey’recomingcloser.Oncetheygetabouttenfeetaway,theyformacircle aroundyou,andyoucanfeelhopeandloveradiatingfromthem.Thesearepeoplewho youneedtoforgive,orwhoyouwanttoforgiveyou.Whodoyousee,Kai?” Kailetoutalongbreath.Again,heansweredgenuinely,surprisingher.“My momanddad.Jon.Becca,Nikki,Renee.David.Art.Ms.Evans.Jake.Jo.Vicky.Jenny. Troy.Dr.J.Martin.”Kai’svoicebrokeonthatlastname,andthoughhenamedafew otherpeople,Dr.Millercouldn’tdistinctlytellallofthemuntilhefinallysaid,“My aunt.” “That’sgood,Kai.Now,Iwantyoutoimaginegoinguptoeachpersonyou needtoforgive,lookthemintheeyes,andIwantyoutocallthembynameandtell them,‘Iforgiveyouforhurtingme.Ireleaseyou.Youhavenopowerovermeanymore. Goinpeace.’Takeasmuchtimeasyouneed,Kai,anddon’tbeafraidoftheemotions thatmightarisewitheachperson.Youmightfindithardtosaythosewords,evenin yourmind,tosomeofthesepeople.Itcantaketime.ButIwantyoutotry,OK?” Overthenextfewminutes,Dr.MillercoachedKaithroughtheexercise,which didbringupsomestrongemotions—particularlywithhisparents—thoughperhapsnot asstrongasifhehadn’tbeenonthebenzodiazepines. “Ican’t,”hesaid,though,atonepoint. “Whatcan’tyoudo?” “Ican’tpicturemyaunt.Ican’tbelieveshe’dbethere.” “That’sOK,Kai.Youcanworkonthat.Thisisn’tsomethingthatcanbedone rightorwrong;it’saprocess,andittakestime.Iwantyoutowatchthepeopleyou forgavewalkaway.Youfeeltheirreliefandhappiness;it’salsoyours.Nowthecircleis filledwiththosepeoplewhomyoumayhavehurtandwhoneedtoaskyoufor forgiveness.Doyouseethem?” 263 Helaughed,butitwastingedwithtears,hisvoiceemotional.“There’smoreof themthantheothergroup.” ConsideringhowmuchguiltandshameKaicarriedaroundwithhim,that didn’tsurpriseheratall.“There’sonepersonthatmightnotbethere,butIwantyouto picturehim.Canyoudothat?Canyoupictureyourself,lookingatyourself?Likeyou’re oneofthegroup,butyou’realsostillinthecenterofit.” Kaitookinawheezybreath.“Ican’tlookatmyself,”headmitted,hisvoice pained. Sheknewhedidn’tmeanhecouldn’tpictureitinhismind,likewithhisaunt, butrather,thathecouldn’tmeethisowngaze.“Why,Kai?” Kaiseemedreluctanttorespondinitially,finallyadmitting,“Becauseyouneed torespectsomeonetolookthemintheireyes,right?”Hesighed. Dr.Millerjottedthatdown.“Iknowhe’sprobablythehardestpersontoface, butIwantyoutoimaginehimapproachingyou.Iwantyoutopicturehimtellingyou— insignorEnglish,whateveriseasierforyou—thatheforgivesyou.Tellingyou,‘Kai,I forgiveyouforhurtingme.Ireleaseyou.Youhavenopowerovermeanymore.Goin peace.’” Kaistartedtosob,hiseyesstillclosed,hishandsheldupinfrontofhim, movinginwhatsheknewhadtobesigns,thoughshewouldneverhavebeenableto makeoutanythingmorethansomepointingandblurredfingers. Kaithenopenedhiseyes.Hisfacewasagrimace,almostasifhewerein physicalpain.“Pleasedon’tmakemedoanymore,”hesaidsoftly. “It’sallright,”Dr.Millersaid,speakingsoothingly.“Forgivingyourselfisgoing totaketimeandeffort,butIthinkthatmaybemoreimportantthananythingelse.I wantyoutodothisexerciseonceaday,everyday.Youcanskipthepeoplewhoyoudon’t feelreadytoconfront,likeyourself,orsavethemfortheend.Try.Iwantyoutowrite downhowyoufeelwitheachperson,anythingthatstandsout,andIwantyouto genuinelyworkyourwaytowardconfrontingyourself.OK?” Kaisighed,buthenodded.Tired,defeated. “Ialsowantyoutostartthinkingaboutcharacteristicsyouthinkofwhenyou imaginea‘good’motherorfather.Peopleyoumightknow,inreallifeorinfiction,that youthinkofintheseroles.” “Ismellanotherexercise,”Kaisaidwearily,butwithafaintslysmile.Perhaps, asdifficultastheexercisewas,ithadhelpedhimasshe’dhopeditwould. “Yes,butthat’sforanotherday.Ijustwantyoutostartthinkingaboutthese things.Ifyoucouldhaveageniegrantyourwishforparents,whatwouldtheybelike? Theydon’tneedtobe‘perfect,’becausenooneis.Justgiveitsomethought.” Kailetoutalongbreath.“Thankyou,Dr.Miller.Ifeel...Idon’twanttosay ‘better,’but...”Kaipassedhishandoverhisface.“Morehopeful,Iguess?Alittleless lost.” Dr.Millersmiled,relieved.“That’sgoodtohear.UsetheXanax,andeven rubberbandsorotherdistractionsforyourhandsifyouneedthem.LetJonsupport you.Ifyourself-harmingurgesbecomeoverwhelming,youcancallme.ButI’dstilllike toseeyouagaintomorrowmorning.” “Refliesintomorrowafternoon.” “Howdoesthatmakeyoufeel?” “Scared.Confused.”Kaishovedhishairoffhisforehead.“Iwanttoseeherso badly,butatthesametime,I’mafraid.It’snotevensomuchaboutherseeingthecrazy 264 partofme,thoughthat’spartofit.It’s...”Kaicradledhisfaceinhishand.“I’mnot readytotellheraboutmyaunt.I’mnotsureifI’lleverbeready.AndhowdoIexplain thepastdaywithoutit?” Itwasaveryvalidpoint,butshewashappytoseeKaibeingsoselfaware.That hewasbeginningtorecognize,andevenwant(thoughthatwasprobablytoostronga word)toletReneeintothisfinalmajorcornerofhislife.“Whydon’tyougivethatsome thought,too.TalkwithJonaboutit,ifyoufeelcomfortable.Andwecantrysomerole playingtomorrow,whichmighthelp.” Kaihadbeensoworndownbythecombinationofdrugsandpsychologicalexhaustion thatonceJonhelpedhimintobed,hefellasleepbeforehe’devenfinishedthealbuterol treatmentJonhadgivenhimtoeasehisbreathing,whichwasalittlewheezy (presumablyfromacombinationoftears,drugs,andtoomuchlyingstill).Still,itwas goodtoseehisbrotherrelativelypeaceful. SecurethatKaiwouldbeasleepforawhile,Jonwentouttothekitchentotest hisbloodandcallVicky.Dr.MillerhadexplainedhertreatmentplanandwhatJon shouldexpect,andthoughJonwasapologeticaboutinterruptingherholiday(sinceshe wantedtoseeKaiagaininthemorning),she’dsimplylaughed.“IfIwantedtowork MondaythroughFriday,9-5,withnointerruptions,Iwouldhavegoneintoderm,” she’dexplained,knowingthatJon,asacritical-caredoc,couldcertainlyunderstand. Still,JonhadthankedherforworkingwithKai,andforbeingwillingtotaketheircallsif thingsgotdicey.He’dalsoassuredherhe’dputKai’smedsoutofhisreach,since anythingtakeninahighenoughdosecouldbelethal. God,hewastired. “Here’sJonny,”Vickysaidjokinglywhensheanswered,doingherbestEd McMahonimpression.Sheknewhehatedbeingcalled‘Jonny’evenmorethanhehated ‘Jonathan,’butalittleteasingfromherfeltwonderfulrightnow. “Hey,Vic.SorryIcouldn’tcallyousooner.”He’dplannedtocallherduring Kai’ssessionwithDr.Miller,buthadfoundhimselfengrossedinabookaboutadults whowereabusedaschildren.He’dintendedtoskimitinitiallyforanythingthatmight givehimmoreinsightintohelpingKai,buthadbeensurprisedtoseehimselfinsomeof thecharacteristicsinthebook.He’dneverreallyseenhischildhoodwithhisparentsas “abusive,”butboththeirparentsweredefinitelyabsentinonewayoranother,andJon hadbeenforcedtorealizealotofhispersonality—hisnearlyobsessivedrivetosucceed inschoolandwork,hisinstinctiveneedtohelpothers,hisguiltwhenhefailed— probablyalltiedbacktothefactthathe’dbeentakingcareofhimselfandhismother yearsbeforeKaicamealong.Italsoforcedhimtorealize,morethanever,thatVickywas theonlypersonhe’devertrulyletintohislife.NowonderJennywouldn’tmarryhim. “It’sallright.How’sKai?” Jonsighed.“Doingalittlebettertoday,butI’mnotcountingmychickensjust yet.” “CanIcomeover?MymominsistedIbringabunchoffoodtogiveyou,and I’msureyou’dprefernothavingtoworryaboutwhatyou’regoingtoeatforatleasta coupledays.Plus,youleftmostofyourinsulinatmyhouse,right?” “That’sactuallyperfect.Ineedyoutopickupafewthingsforme.” ThedoorhadbarelyclosedbehindVickywhenJonwaspushingheragainstit,burying histongueinhermouth,pressingagainsther,kissingherhungrily,desperately,asifhe 265 weredrowningandshewasair.Shedroppedthepackagesshe’dbeenholdingand wrappedherarmsaroundhim,smoothingherpalmsalonghisbackandmeltinginto thekiss,lettinghimtakewhatheneeded. Finally,afterseveralminutes,hepulledback,restinghisforeheadagainsthers, breathingheavily.Hemumbledafewsyllablesseveraltimes,asiftryingtospeakand unabletofindthewords.Gently,shepushedagainsthischesttocreateenoughspace betweenthemsoshecouldseehiseyes. Hehaddeeppurplebagsbeneatheachthatseemedmorepronouncedsincethe lasttimeshe’dseenhim,butwhatreallystruckherwashowtroubledhelooked,likea warwasgoingonbehindhiseyes. Shecradledhischeek,feelingaday’sworthofstubble.“IsKaithatbad?” Helaughedharshly,ashortsound,almostacough,ashadeofasmiletryingto pushuptheedgesofhismouth.Butthenheshookhishead,andashadowcrossedover hisface,hisbreathhitching,sayingnothing. Vickykissedhischeek,slidingherhanddowntocuphisneck.“It’snotyour fault.” Jonblinked,andshesawnowhiseyeswerealittlesurprised,butglossy,asif tearswerethreateningtospillout.“I...”Buthecouldn’tseemtospeaknow,either, shakinghisheadmoreintently,loweringittohidehiseyes. “Noneofthisisyourfault,”Vickyrepeated,morefirmly,tugginghimcloseand pullinghimintoatighthug. “Thiswouldn’thavehappenedtoKaiifIhadbeenthereforhimtwelveyears ago.IfIhadn’tsaidthosehorriblethingstohimTuesday.” Vickykissedhisneck.“That’snottrue,Jon.Kaiisn’tsofragilethathecan’t takeafewangrywords.” Jonletoutalong,harshbreath.Shesawfearinhiseyesnow,likeshehadn’t seeninalongtime.“I...”Hehesitated,shookhisheadagain.“Ishouldn’thaveletyou comeover.Ishouldn’ttalktoyouaboutthis.It’snotmyplace.” VickysmoothedJon’scheek.“It’sallright.” Joncrossedtheroom,sinkingdownintooneofthediningchairs,angledsohe couldjustseeintohisopeneddoorway.Vickycouldbarelymakeoutafigureasleepin Jon’sbed,assumingithadtobeKai.ItwasstrangeforKaitobeinJon’sroominsteadof hisown,butshesaidnothing,pullingachairupbesideJoninstead,grippinghishands. “Kaipretendsthathe’sfine,thatnothingbothershim,butthat’ssofarfromthe truth,”Jonsaidinapainedvoice.“Hewantedtohurthimself,”Jonsaid,hiseyesvacant. “Maybeevenkillhimself.”Jonswallowedhard.“IfIhadn’tbeenaround...hemayhave tried.” VickyworkedherfingersintoJon’shair.SheknewKaihadbeenhavingsome problems,butshehadn’trealizedhewassodepressed.“Whyisn’theinthehospital? Couldn’ttheyhelphim?” “He’safraidofbeingconfined,beingalone.Icouldn’tdothattohim.”Jon shookhishead,pushedhimselfbacktohisfeet,andleanedinhisbedroomdoorway, watchingoverhisbrother. Vickyapproached,standingbesidehim.Kailookedlikehewasoutcold,heavily sedated,shesuspected. “He’sworriedaboutlosingme.Whenthebabycomes.” Vicky’shandhadbeensmoothingthesmallofJon’sback,butthewordsmade herstill.“Youtoldhim?” 266 “Secretsarehisthing,notmine.Youknowthat,Vic.Besides—” Sheleanedherheadagainsthisshoulder.“Ifanyonecankeepasecret,it’sKai.” “You’renotmad?”Jonwrappedanarmaroundher,holdingherclose,though hiseyesnevermovedfromhisvigil. Shesighed.“Iwon’tlieandsayIwouldn’tloveyoualltomyself,”shesaidwith afaintchuckle,“butIdon’twanttobeawedgebetweenyoutwo.” JonsqueezedVickytightly.“Iknowhe’sanadult,but...Idon’tknowifhecan reallylivealone.Betweenhisphysicalandhismentalhealth...” “You’dbeworryingabouthimconstantly,”Vickyfinishedforhim. Jonsighedheavily.“I’veneverseenhimlikethis.So...brokendown,like everythinghe’dbeenkeepingshoredupalltheseyearshasfinallyburstthrough.I’mso fuckingscared,Vic.WhatifwegotthroughallthetransplantandMLSshitandIlose himtoanoverdose?” Vicky’sheartbroketoheartheanguishinJon’svoice,soshegentlytuggedhim, guidinghimtoturnsubtlytowardher.“Thesepastfewdayshavemademerealizehow wrongIwas.” Jon’seyebrowsfurrowed,lookingpanicked.“Vic—” Sheheldupafingertohislips,shakingherhead.“Wrong,makingyoupromise you’dalwaysputmeandthebabyfirst.”Shesighed,glancedtowardthebedroom.“If somethinghappenedtome,I’dhavescoresofrelativesinlinetohelpme.I’dhavetouse someofthemtoguardthedoortokeeptherestofthemfromassaultingme.Evenwhen Ilost...Andrew,eventhoughsomewerehostile,Istillhadotherswhosupportedme.I alwayshadsomewheretogo.”ShereachedupandcradledJon’scheek.Heleanedinto hertouch,hiseyesfallinghalfclosed,butonlyforamomentsohewouldn’tkeepKaiout ofhissighttoolong.“Kaidoesn’thaveanyoneelse.AndIknowifyouneededhim,he’d bethereforyouinaheartbeat,noquestionsasked.”Shetuckedafewstrayhairsbehind hisear.“Iloveyou.Andpartofwhatmakesmeloveyousomuchishowmuchyoucare aboutotherpeople.Iwouldn’twanttochangethat,evenifitmeans‘plans’isawordwe havetoputinperpetualquotationmarks.”Vickyguidedhimintoakissthatwaschaste butpassionate. “Iloveyou,”Jonwhispered.“Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedonewithoutyou alltheseyears.” Vickysmiledagainsthislips,butbeforeshecouldsayanything,sheheard moaning,makingthembothturntheirheads. Kaiwasstillsleeping,butobviouslyhavingnightmares,mutteringandcrying. “We’lltalklater.I’llmakeyouaplatebeforeIgo,”Vickysaid,squeezingJon’s hand. “Actually....YoubroughtthesuppliesandmedsIaskedyoutopickup?” Vickynodded. “CouldyouputintheIVcath?Itrustyoubetterthanmenottomutilatehim.” Jonfrowned. Vickysmiledfaintly.“Sure.”Justbeforesheturnedtograbthematerialsshe neededfromwhereshe’dleftthembythefrontdoor,sheadded,“Youknowmyhouseis asinglestory,right?AndIhavetwoextrabedrooms.Oneforthenursery,and...” Jon’sattentionjerkedawayfromKaiforamomenttomeetVicky’seyes.“Are yousayingwhatIthinkyou’resaying?” “It’dtakesomemodifications,especiallytooneofthebathrooms,butIhavea cousinwho’sacontractor,soitwouldn’tbetooexpensive.” 267 “Vicky?”Jon’seyesglistenedwithhope,mixed,paradoxically,withuncertainty. “Itsoundslikearecipeforabadsitcom,Iknow,but...”Shesmiled.“Kai’s goodwithkids,right?Andasmuchaswebothwork,itmightbenicehavingsomeoneto helpuswiththebaby.” JonsqueezedVickysuddenlyandsotightlyshestruggledtobreathe,butitwas aquickembrace,ashesoonpushedherback,grippinghershoulders.“Areyousure?” Vickyshrugged.“TwoTaylorsforthepriceofone?Three,ifIcountthebaby? MaybeIshouldforgetthesitcomandgostraighttothescreenplay.” Jonblinkedrapidly.“Youarethebestthingthat’severhappenedtome.Idon’t knowhowIdidn’tseeitsooner.” Vickylaughed.“It’snotentirelyyourfault.Iheldbackforalongtime.”She sighed,kissedhischestbeforesteppingbacktomeethiseyes.“Especiallythatlastyear beforeKai’stransplant....Thereweresomanytimesyou’dcometomeinmyoffice, needingsupportandencouragement...andIwantedtokissyou.” “Really?” Vickynodded.“ButIknewhowmuchyouneededafriend,someonetohelp yougetthroughitall,especiallyif...well,ifhehadn’tmadeit.”Vickyswallowed.“I didn’twanttoriskdestroyingthatfriendshipnomatterhowmuchIwantedtotaste yourlipsagainstmine.Icouldwait,ifthat’swhatyouneeded.” Foramoment,Jon’seyesgrewwide,glassy,andheblinkedevenmore furiouslythanhehadearlier.HepulledVicky’sfaceclose,kissingherforehead,thenher nose,thenhermouth,brieflybutdeeply.“Iloveyou,Vicky.Idon’tknowifIcouldever gettiredofsayingthat.” Kai’sreturntoconsciousnessfeltlikeadiverslowlyrisingupthroughmurkywater. Floaty,disconnected,hisfirstattempttoopenhiseyesrevealingablurry,confusing landscape.Hischestfeltstrange,tight,likeheneededtocough,andnauseaswirledin hisstomach.Hisbrainstillwouldn’tquiteclickon,sohepushedhimselfupwith wobblingarms,theroomswayingaroundhim,bilerisinginthebackofhisthroat.He feltasharppaininoneofhiswrists,butheignoreditfornow,asconfusionandhis stomachbattledforhisattention. Upright,theurgetocoughgrew,soheforcedhimself,thecoughsquickly takingover,becomingmoreintense,turningintodryheavesashisstomachjoinedthe fray,desperatetoempty.Heheavedafewmoretimes,butnothingcameup,leavinghim evenmoredizzyandsickthanbefore.Heheldhimself,bentover,swaying,notentirely surewherehewasorwhyhefeltthewayhedid,hismindfunctioningonlyenoughto tellhimtostayasstillaspossibleandmaybethenauseawouldpass. Evenwithhiseyesclosed,hefeltlikehewasbeingbuoyedbywaves,andhe wonderedifhe’dpassoutagain. “Kai?” Vaguely,Kaiheardhisname,buthewassofocusedonjustsittingstill,onnot throwingup,hehadtroublefocusing.Everytimehetriedtofollowanotherthought,the nauseawouldsurgeandhe’dhavetoabandonit. “Kai,canyouhearme?” Goaway,Kaithoughtvaguelyastheurgetocoughsurged.Hetriedtoresist, butfinallyhadtogivein,coughing,coughing,coughing,thendryheavingtwice.His visionwentsparkly. Handswerepushinghimdown,andhetriedtoresistatfirst,butthenausea 268 wassostrong,hismindsomuddled,hecouldn’tfightit.Thesamehandsrolledhim ontohisside.Wait.What?Hetriedtosaysomething,butformingwordswastoo complicatedrightnow. Kaistruggledtolifthiseyestosee,andsawaface.Aman.Blond.Worriedlook. Hewasfamiliar.Kai’slimbsfeltheavy. Kaitriedtoliftahandtohim,asiftochecktoseeifhewerereal,and somethingpulledinhiswrist,makinghimhiss.Thenhesawit,theIVline.Panic surged.Whathadhebeendruggedwith?Wherewashe? ThemanputafirmhandaroundKai’swrist,andKaitriedtopullaway,butthe drugsweremakinghimweak,andafterafewfeebleattemptsatstruggling,hesagged intothebed. “Shh,Kai.You’reallright.It’sjustsalineandglucose.” Kaisquinted,tryingtofocushisvision,butthemanwasjustablur.Hishead wasspinning,soheshuthiseyesagain. “Youhardlyateyesterday,youdidn’teattoday,andwhatyoudideat,you threwup.Ididn’twantyourbloodpressureorsugartodrop.” Concentratinghard,hemanagedtounderstandwhatthemanwassaying,but itwaslikelisteningtoaforeignlanguagethatheknew,butnotwell. Themansmoothedhisforeheadinawaythathefoundcomfortingdespitenot clearlycomprehendingwherehewasorwhatwasgoingon.“Howbadisyournausea?I cangiveyousomePhenergan,butyou’restillalittleoutofitfromthebenzodiazepines, soI’dprefernottoaddanothersedativeifIdon’thaveto.” Kai’sbrowfurrowed.Thatwasalotofwords,andheheardthemall,buthe wasn’tentirelysurehecouldsaywhattheyallmeant.Hemanagedtobringhishandto hischin,ignoringthepulloftheIV.“What’swrongwithme?”heaskedwithonesign. Heheardthemansigh.“TheXanaxreallyknockedyouout.You’llbeOK.Why don’tyoutrytosleep?” Kaishookhishead.Thenauseahadeasedalittle,butitstillhovered, preventinghimfromridingthedrugsbackintooblivion.Andatthesametime,a warinessitchedinhisbrain,warninghimtofightthroughthefog.“Whoareyou?” Kaisawthemanfrowndeeply.“Jon,Kai.Yourbrother.” Kaishookhishead.“MYBROTHERLEAVE.HEABANDONME,”Kaisigned sloppily.“Areyouadoctor?”Kai’seyesfocusedalittlebetter,andhecouldseemoreof theroom.Itlookedlikeabedroom,notahospitalroom,butmaybehe’dbeensentto anotherinstitution?Hestruggledtoremember,buthismindwasimpenetrable. Theman’sfrowngrewevenmorepronounced.“Kai,howoldareyou?” Kaitouchedhischin,thenwaggedhisfist,thumbup.“TEN.” Themansighed.Apparently,thatwasthewronganswer.Buthowelsewashe supposedtorespond?Maybethiswasanotheroneofthoseheaddoctors.P-something. He’dseenquiteafewofthem,butmostlywithoutinterpreters,sohehadtofocuson theirEnglish,whichwashard,andtheydidn’tunderstandhissigning,whichwas harder.Sotheyusuallydismissedhimasbeingstupidandsimple.Butthisdoctor seemedtounderstandhim. “I’mconfused.” Themansighedagain,wentbacktostrokingKai’sforehead,whichfeltsonice. “Ithinkallthedrugshavefinallygottentoyou.” Aflashoffearflaredup,butKai’sbodywouldhardlyrespond.Hevaguely rememberedadoctortryingtoputsomethinginhisnose,downhisthroat.Pain.“Are 269 youtheonewhohurtme?” “No,Kai,no,”themansaid,stillsmoothingKai’shead.Nooneevertouched himlikethis.Itfeltnice.Itremindedhimofhisbrother,before,thewayhe’ddothat whenKaiwashavingtroublebreathing,sleeping.Orwhenhispainwasbad. Kaifelthiseyeswellingupwithtearsthatspilledout,andvaguely,partofhis mindscreamedthathewasn’tsupposedtocry,thatheneededtostopit,becausehe’dbe punished,buthecouldn’t. “It’sallright,Kai.You’resafe.Iwon’tletanyonehurtyou.” Kaiblinked,lookedupagain.Themanstillwasn’tinclearfocus.“Dr.Fox?” Thathadtobewhothemanwas.Hewastheonlyonewhohadn’thurthim,whohad beenkindtohim,whohadmadethebaddoctorwhotriedtoputthetubeinhisnosego away.Whohadknownalittlesignlanguagewhennooneelsedid. “No,it’sJon.Yourbrother.It’s2000,not1988.Comeon.Snapoutofit.”The man,Dr.Fox?,wasgrowingangry,whichfrightenedKai.Whenadultsgotangry,bad thingshappened.Hiswordsweren’tmakinganysense.Hisbrotherwasgone.Davidand Kaihaddeterminedthatalready.WhywasDr.Foxbeingmeanlikethis,tryingtotrick him? Kaicoveredhisfacewithonehand,areflexive,defensiveposture,feeling himselfbeginningtoshakesubtly. Butthemanwalkedaway,leavingKaialone.Somethingwasn’tright,heknew it,deepinthebackofhismind,buthecouldn’tquiteshakeofftheconfusion.He touchedhisnose,againmakingsuretherewasn’tatubeinit,feelingtired,buttoo nervoustosleep.Heremembered,vaguely,Dr.Foxgavehimastuffedfoxtoplaywith andhold.HehadleanedinandtoldKaiitwastheirsecret,butthatKaicouldkeepit. SinceKaihadlosthisparentsandhisbrother,noonegavehimanything.Andthe stuffedfoxwassosoft,andithadalittlesmile,anditmadeeverythingalittlelessscary. Theman—Dr.Fox?—cameback,andKaiwavedtogethisattention.“Where’s mytoy?” Themanfrowned,lookingconfused.Hehadacupinonehand,butnothing elsescary.Maybehehadn’tunderstoodKai? “Please,canIhavemytoyback?” Themanlookedsad.Maybeheknewsomeonehadtakenthetoy,andhedidn’t haveanotherone.MaybehewouldbemadthatKaihadlostit,eventhoughKaicouldn’t rememberlosingit.Someone—oneofthenurses,ormaybethatmeandoctor—must havetakenitwhilehewassleeping. “I’msorry,”Kaisigned,tearsleakingagain,thoughhestruggledtoholdthem back. “It’sOK,”themansaid,hisvoicefriendlyandsoft,takingoneofKai’shands gentlyinhis.“Here.”HeputsomethingcoldinKai’shand,closinghisfingersonit, holdingitthere.Kaitriedtopullaway,butthemanwasstronger. Kailetoutascarednoisethatinsomepartofhismindseemedwrong. “Shh,Kai.It’sme,Jon.Yourbrother.You’rehere,withme,inmyroom.You’re twenty-two,notten.Nooneisgoingtohurtyou.You’resafe.” Theicewasalmostpainfullycold,andasKaifocusedontheirhands,thecube alreadymelting,hiseyesseemedtofocusbetter,somethingshiftinginhisbrain.“Jon?” Jonletoutalongwhooshingbreath.“Youbackwithus?” Kai’sbrowsfurrowed.Jonreleasedhishand,whichwaswetandcold,andKai realizedhiswristhurt,andheliftedit,seeinganIVcathetertapedtoit,withacouple 270 linesspringingoutfromitsports.ButthiswasdefinitelyJon’sroom.Hefeltlikehe’d justwokenupfromadream,buthecouldn’trememberthedetails,andeverytimehe graspedforthem,theyslippedawayevenmore. Kaiblinkedslowly,keepinghiseyesclosedforafewsecondseachtime,hoping thatwhenheopenedthem,he’dfeelless...weird.Itdidn’twork.Absently,becausehe feltlikemaybeithadbeenpartofhisdreamsomehow,hetouchedhisnose,genuinely surprisedhedidn’tfindafeedingtubecomingoutofit.Hecouldn’tquiteseemtoput anythingtogether.Aremotepartofhisbraintoldhimheshouldbeinpain,thathe shouldhavethatfeedingtubeinhisnose,thatheshouldbescared,andpartofhimwas scared,but.... “Nothingmakessense,”Kaimuttered.Hisvoicedidn’tsoundright,either,his wordsslurredandbarelyintelligible. “You’reconfusedfromthedrugsandlowbloodpressure,”Jonassuredhim, smoothinghisforeheadagain.Kaireallylikedthat.Itwassocomforting,andfora momenthecouldforgethisconfusionanduncertaintyandjustsinkintothattouch. “You’llbeOK.” Forseveralmoments,Kaijustlaythere,nottryingtothink,justfocusingonthe feelofhisbrother’shandagainsthisskin,thesoundofJon’swordsassuringhimhewas safe. “Youfeelanybetter?”JonaskedafterseveralminutesinwhichKaimayhave dozedoffandon. “Yeah,”Kaisaid.Hisvoicewasrough,butnotsoslurred. “Who’sDr.Fox?” Kai’seyebrowsdipped.“What?” “YouthoughtIwashim.” “When?”Kaitriedtopushhimselfup,butthedizzinessswarmedhim,andhe fellback. “Easy,”Jonsoothed.“Ithink,withthedisorientationfromthedrugs,itwaslike youwerecaughtinanotherkindofflashback.YouthoughtyouweretenandIwasDr. Fox.” Kaifrowned.He’dnevertoldanyoneabouthim,ever.“Mostdoctorswerecruel tomebackthen,”Kaiadmitted.“Iwaslabeled‘nonverbal,’whichyouknowisdoctorspeakfor‘tooretardedtocomprehendanything.’” “Kai...” Kaisighed,gratefulhewasstartingtofeelmorelikehimself,andaslongashe laystill,thenauseaanddizzinesssubsided.“BecauseIcouldn’tspeak,manydoctors, andevennurses,treatedmelikeIcouldn’tunderstandwhatwashappening,likeI couldn’tfeelpain.”Jonstartedsmoothinghisforeheadagain,andKailethiseyesfall closed.“ThatwasbeforeDr.J.BeforeevenDr.MacDonald....After...thatsummer,I wasinbadshape.Idon’trememberittoowell,butIwasreallymalnourishedandIhad alotofproblemseating....”Kaihesitated.TriedtorecallhowmuchheorDr.Miller hadtoldJon,anddecidedtokeepthingsvague.“SotheydecidedtoputinanNGtube... .Butthefirstdoctorwhotried...hedidn’ttellmewhattheyweregoingtodo.Hedidn’t givemeanykindoflocal,andIguessIwasintoobadastatetogivemeageneral....” Kaifelthissinusespricklingatthememoryofhowmuchthathadhurt,howterrified he’dbeen,especiallycomingfromhisauntandnotfullyunderstandingwhathad happened,convincedhehadbeenreally,reallybadandwasbeingpunished. “Jesus,Kai,”Jonsaid,squeezingKai’shand.“Howcouldanyonedoa 271 procedurelikethatonakidwithouttryingtoexplainitoruseanykindofanesthetic?” Kaicouldhearangerinhisbrother’svoice.“Myfourthyearofmedicalschool,during oneofmyrotations,wehadtopracticeinsertingnasogastrictubesoneachother.Those fuckinghurt,especiallyifthepatientisn’tcooperative.Orifyoudon’tlubeitproperly. Dammit,Kai.I’msorry.” Kaishookhishead.“Atfirst,Itriedtobegood,becauseIthoughtIwasbeing punishedandI’dmakeitworse.” “Jesus.” Kaifrowned.“Butmygagreflexkickedin,violently.”Kaicringed.“Ifyouthink oneofthoseisbadgoingin,especiallywithoutanykindofanesthetic,it’sevenworse whenyouthrowitbackup.Imaginetheworstthingyou’veeveraccidentlysnortedout yournosewhileeatingandmagnifyittimesathousand.”Kaiopenedhiseyesandlooked upatJon,whohadputahandtohisnosereflexively. “Youmusthavebeenterrified.” Kaisighed.Nodded.“Icouldn’tscream,butwhenhewantedtotryagain,I foughthimaswellasIcould.Hegotannoyedenoughhecalledforhelp,andthatended upbeingDr.Fox.”Kaismiledfaintly.“Hewassokindtome,calmingmedownand insistingeverythingwasallright.ThatIwasn’tbad.” Kaiclosedhiseyes,remembering.Hecouldn’treallyrecallwhatDr.Foxlooked like;itwaslikeadream,wheresomedetailsstuckoutwhileothersremainedhazy.He rememberedafriendlysmile,dirty-blondhair,andadeepvoicethatwassoothing insteadoffrightening.KairecalledDr.FoxtryingtoseehowmuchKaiunderstood, usingpropsandcardswithdifferentcolorstotrytogetKaitotellhimhowbadhispain was.Howhewaspatientandspokeslowlyandclearly,butnotinapatronizingway; rather,therichtimbreofhisvoicewascalming,assuringKaihewasn’tbadandhedidn’t needtobescared,andthatDr.Foxwouldmakeitbetter. “HekeptcallingmeJoseph,andsoIsignedthatmynamewasKai,and...it turnedoutheknewthealphabetandafewsigns.HerealizedthatnotonlycouldI understand,butIcouldcommunicate.”Kaiwipedhiseyes,rubbingthemwiththeside ofhishand.“Hegavemethislittlestuffedfox,andtoldmetohugitwheneverIgot scared,anditwouldtakethescaryaway.”Kaisqueezedhiseyestotrytostopthetears thathadstarted.“Hemadethingsbetter,ifonlyalittle.Iguesshewasaresident.I didn’tseehimagainafterthathospitalstay.”Kaitookinadeepbreath.“Afterwhat happened,Icouldn’tbeJosephTayloranymore.”KailookedupatJonthroughblurred vision,hopinghisbrotherwouldn’taskformoreofanexplanation.KaiwascertainJon didn’tknowitwastheirauntwhohadhurthim,andeventhoughshewaslongdead,he didn’tliketoaddanymoreguilttoJon’sshouldersifhecouldhelpit. “SoyouchangedyournametoFox.Becauseofhim.” Kainodded. Jonblewairouthisnose,smoothingKai’shair.“Whathappenedtothelittle stuffedtoy?Youwereaskingaboutit,earlier,whenyouwereoutofit.” Kaiwassurprisedtofindhismouthdippingintoadeeperfrown,andfresh tearswantingtoform.“Oneofthenursestookit.Shesaiditwasunsanitaryanditwas goingtoexacerbatemyasthma.Ithinksheactuallyliterallysaid,‘exacerbate,’because sheassumedIdidn’tunderstandheranyway.”Kaisighed,felthisbodyrelaxing,like tellingJonaboutDr.Foxhadliftedsomeburdenhedidn’tevenknowhe’dbeen carrying,ormaybeitwassomekindofsecondwindfromthesedativesinhisblood.“I wouldn’thavebeenallowedtokeepitatCountyHouse,anyway.Weweren’tpermitted 272 personalpossessions.CHwasverycommunal.Plus,youknowstuffedtoysarebadfor kidswithbreathingproblems,especiallyiftheyhaveatrache.”Kaiyawned,stretched, felttheIVpull,andhissed.Nauseastillhoveredinhisbelly,andherubbedhisstomach absently. “Stillnauseous?” Kainodded,tryingnottothinkaboutit;thinkingaboutitalwaysmadeit worse. KaifeltJon’shandspullhispantsdown,wipehisskinonhiship,thenaquick prickofaneedle.“Phenergan.Alowdose.It’llhelpyoufeelbetterandletyourest.”Jon tuckedtheblanketsbackup,makingKaifeelwarmandsecure. “Jon?” “Yes?” “I’venevertoldanyoneaboutDr.Fox....NotevenDavid.OK?” JonsweptsomeofKai’shairoffhisface.“It’llbeoursecret,”Jonsaid,andKai couldhearthefaintsmileinhisvoice. Kaifocusedonthegentlesweepofhisbrother’shandagainsthisskinandhair, letthesoft,deeptimbreofhisbrother’svoiceassuringhimhewassafeandthat everythingwouldbeOKlullhimbacktosleep. Kaiwouldhavehadnoideaofthetimeifitweren’tforthelargedigitalclockacrossthe roomfromJon’sbed,whichinformedhimitwaslateafternoon.He’dbeeninandoutof consciousnessmostoftheday,andthoughhe’dhadafew“miniflashbacks,”he’dbeen relativelyOKoncehecamebacktohimself.RightnowhewassittingupinJon’sbed, proppedupwithpillows,tryingtowillawaythenauseainhisstomach;Jonhadoffered himZofranthistime,whichwouldn’tsedatehim,inthehopesthathemightbeableto finallyeatsomething. HestillhadtheIVinhiswrist,whichwastapedthoroughlytomakeitdifficult forKaitopullitoutiftheurgetohurthimselfcameoverhim.Hehadtoadmit,though, hehadn’tthoughtaboutit,notreally,sincethemorning.MaybeitwastheXanax,which workedspectacularlywell—hecouldseewhypeopletookitrecreationally.Ifitweren’t forthefactthatitlefthimincrediblynauseated,hecouldseehimselfabusingit,too.But really,ifhethoughtaboutit,itmighthavejustbeenhavingJonaround,takingcareof himwithoutbeinghisoftenoverbearing,worryingself.Kaistillcouldn’tbelievehehad toldJonaboutDr.Fox—benzosinhighdosesdidmakehimmorepronetoconfessions. Itfeltlikeadream,butthenalotofthepastcoupledaysdid,thankstoinsanityand drugs. Jonpokedhisheadin.HehadbeenreluctanttoleaveKaialone,evenforafew minutes,butKaihadpromisedhe’dshoutifhefelthewaslosingcontroloverhimself. Ofcourse,theflawinthatplanwasifheliterallylosthimselfinamajorflashback,then hewouldn’tbeawareenoughtowarnJonbeforehepotentiallyhurthimself,butKai wasn’tabouttopointthatout.HeappreciatedJon,buthedidn’tneedhisbrother watchinghimlikeasecuritycameraeverysinglesecond. “David’shere.Hecametodropoffyourcar,buthe’dliketotalktoyou,if you’reuptoit.” Kaipushedsomehairoutofhisface,feelinghowoilyitwasandfrowning beforehecouldstophimself.Jonhadn’tbroughtupashoweragainyet,andhonestly, thinkingofthebathroommadehisstomachclench,buthe’dneedtobatheatsome point.“Yeah,Icantalkforafewminutes.” 273 Jonturnedaroundinthedoor,andKaicouldseehisshouldersworkingashe signed,thoughitwasimpossibletoknowwhathewassayingfromtheangle.Aminute later,Davidcamestridingin,hisfaceneutralbuthiseyeslookingatKaiwithwary concern. Davidperchedontheedgeofthebed,facingKai.HespottedtheIVbags,which Jonhadmanagedtohangoffahookonthewall.Hiseyebrowsfurrowed,buthesaid nothing,bringinghisattentionfullontoKai.“Howyoudoing?”heaskedwithonesign, acasualflickofhismiddlefingeroffhisshoulder. Kaishrugged.“Haven’tkilledmyselfyet,”Kaisaidwithawrysmile,gratefulhe couldsignthatallwithonehand;thecathinhiswristhurt. Davidrolledhiseyes.“Youknow,ifyouhatedMegan’sfoodsomuch,you didn’tneedtomakeupsuchacomplicatedstorytogetoutofit.” Kaiwassurprisedwhenabarkoflaughterescapedhislips,butthenhe frownedasthememoryofthrowingupMegan’sThanksgivingdinnerflaredattheback ofhismouth,andnauseasurged.Hegrimaced.“Please.Nofoodtalk.” Davidfrowned,butnodded.“Look.IknowIsaidIwasn’tgoingtoriskmyass, butIfoundtherecordsyouwanted.Itwasn’tsimple.”DavidlookedatKaiwitha“you oweme”glare.“Ilefttheminyourcar,soyoucanlookatthemwhenyou’rebetter.” Davidscratchedhisnose,anervoushabitthatsignaledhewasuncomfortable.“Iwon’t tellyouwhattodo,butsometimesignoranceisbliss,OK?I’drathernotknowabout myfather.Maybeheendedupdrivinghiscarintoatreeayearafterhegavemeup; maybehemarriedsomerichwomanandlivesinthelapofluxurywithsix‘normal’ kidswhohedoesn’tslaparound.Eitherway,I’drathernotknow.Getit?” Kainodded,buttherewasnowayhewasgoingtopassupachancetolearn moreabouthismother,andbyextension,himself.“Didyoureadthefiles?” Davidlookedoffended.“No.Justaquickglancehereandtheretomakesure theyweretherightones.Ifigureditwasn’tanyofmybusiness.” Kairaisedasingleeyebrowinsurprise,butnodded. Daviddeftlychangedthesubject.“So,howfuckedupareyou?”Davidsignedit jokingly—hismiddlefingeronhistemplethenshiftingupwardintoathumbsup—but hiseyesrevealedgenuineconcern. Kaisighed,pickedatthemedicaltapesecuringtheIVtohiswrist.Notreally tryingtotakeitoff,butjustgivinghisfingerssomethingtodowhilehedecidedhowto answer.Finally,heliftedhisgoodhandandreplied,“Prettyfuckedup.”Hetriedfora wrysmile,butdidn’tquitesucceed. Davidnodded,signalingheunderstoodandKaididn’thavetoelaborate.“I knowyouhaveJon,butifyouneedanything...” Kaismiled.“IhavebeenthinkingofrobbingtheFirstBankofJonesville...” DavidgrowledandpunchedKaiinthearm.“Anything,aslongasitwon’tget mearrested,asshole.” Kaigrinned,heldouthishand,andDavidacceptedit,pullinghimselftoward Kaiforahug. “Ifyouareeverfeelingalone,textme,OK?”Davidsaid,oncehe’dpulledback, hisfacethemostseriousithadbeensincehe’darrived,conveyingthathemeantmuch morethanthefewsignsdidonthesurface.“Anyday.Anytime.YouknowIwon’task questions.” Kaifelttearsspringingupagain.Dammit.He’dprobablycriedmoreinthepast threemonthsthanhehadinhisprevious20+years.Hehurriedlywipedhiseyes,sucked 274 inabreath,andnoddedenthusiastically.HefeltDavid’shandsqueezehisshoulder,pat hischeek,thenthebedshift.WhenKailookedup,finallymanagingtoregainsome semblanceofcontrol,Davidwasgone. Kaiwasstillfightingnausea,despitetheZofran,andhewasbeginningtofeelrestless andirritable,sweatbreakingoutonhisforeheadandbackeventhoughhewaschilled. Hethrewthebookhe’dbeentryingtoreadacrosstheroom;focusingonthetextonly madethenauseaworse. JoncamerushinginjustasKaiwastryingtoseeifhecouldpullthetapeoffhis wristwithoutunwindingit.“Kai,calmdown,”Jonsaid,puttinghishandsonKaitostill him.Heglancedattheclock,thenatKai’seyes.“Guessit’stimeformoredrugs.” “I’mfuckingsickofbeingdrugged,”Kaisaid,pushingagainstJon,makinghis brotherstumble,thoughhedidn’treleasehishold. “I’dnormallysayit’swaytooearlyforyoutobehavingwithdrawals,but nothingsurprisesmewithyou.”JonyankedthecollarofKai’sT-shirtoverhisshoulder, exposingskin,whichhewipedquicklywithanalcoholswabbeforeinjectinghim. “Valium.Hopingtogetyouweanedoffitsoonthough,”hesaid,cappingthesyringe.He feltKai’sforehead,frowned,butsaidnothingelse.Instead,hehandedKaihiscell phone.“Renee’sbeentextingandcallingyousinceyesterday.Ithinkyoushouldtalkto her.” “AndwhatthefuckamIsupposedtotellher?” Jonhadcrossedtohiscloset,whichheopened,reachingupforoneofthe Ziplocbagsofmedshe’dstashedthereasaprecaution,probablywhileKaiwassleeping. HeturnedtofaceKaiashedugthroughthebag.“Idon’tknow.You’reabetterliarthan me.” KaiglaredatJonasheusedhisgoodhandtoscrollthroughhismissedcalls, voicemailnotifications,andtextmessages.Jonwasright:Reneewasworriedthathe hadn’tcommunicatedwithhersinceThursdaymorning.Apangofguilthithim,shortly followedbyaflashofinspiration.HecouldtellheraboutrunningintoNikki,andmake upastoryaboutgivingintotemptationandsleepingwithher.Consideringhowbiga dealithadbeenforReneetotrustKailikethat,certainlythatwouldgethertohatehim enoughshe’dneverwanttoseehimagain.He’dkeephissecrets,andhe’dprotecther (andhimself)frominevitablefuturecatastrophe. ButKaihadpromisedReneehewouldn’thurther,andevenifitwashurting hertopreventabiggerpain,Kaicouldn’tdoit.Infact,theideathathe’deventhoughtof itmadehimsodisgustedwithhimself.... Jonwasdistracted;apparentlythefirstbaghadn’thadthedrugshewas lookingfor.Kaihadenoughstrength,evenwiththemusclerelaxant,whichwas beginningtohithisbloodasasubtlewavethroughouthisbody,toripouttheIVcath,if hewasdeterminedenough. “Fuck,”Kaisaid,hisvoiceforeignsounding. Jonimmediatelydroppedwhathewasdoing,obviouslyhearingthefrustrated anguishinhisbrother’svoice.“Kai...?” Kaiwasbreathingheavily,thedoseofValiumJonhadinjectedhimwithnot enoughtoreallyaffecthim,sinceitwasprimarilytopreventwithdrawal.“Talkme down.Talkmedown,”Kaimutteredfrantically,pressingonthepointwheretheneedle enteredhisskin,thejoltofpainshootingdownintohishandanduptowardhiselbow. Jon’seyeswidened,buthesankontothebed,grabbingKai’shandsand 275 holdingthemtightly,asmuchforreassuranceastoassureKaiwouldn’tdoanything stupidwiththem.“Talktome.” Kaisqueezedhiseyestight,clenchedhisteeth,tryingtowillthenegative thoughtsaway.“Whyareyouhere?” Kai’squestionseemedtocatchJonbysurprise.“What?Whatdoyoumean?” Kaiopenedhiseyes.“Imean,whyareyougivingupyourtimewithVickyto makesureIdon’tkillmyself?Whydoyoucareaboutme?” JonlookedatKailikehewascrazy,which,despiteDr.Miller’sinsistence,he knewhewas.“Becauseyou’remybrother.Andyouneedme.” “EvenaftereverythingbadI’vedone?EventhoughIliedtoyouaboutmy breathing?Eventhoughthecommitteeisgoingtovoteagainstyou?” Jonsighed.“Kai,wewentoverthisalready.It’sfine.Iforgiveyou,andthe committeeisn’tyourfault.LetmefinishgettingyousomeXanax,OK?” Kaishookhishead.“I’msofuckingworthless,”hesaid,tryingtopullhishands away.Hewantedtotuckhislegsup,buryhisfaceinhisknees,screamintothemuntil helosthisvoice,butJonwouldn’tletgo.“IpromisedReIwouldn’thurther.Shetold meImakeherfeelsafe.Shetrustsme.ButIwillhurther,Jon.You’reright;Iam selfish.” “Kai—” “Iam,”Kaishouted,realizinghewashystericalbutnotabletocontrolhimself. “Iam.Becauseapartofmewouldratherripherheartoutrightnowthanrisksubjecting hertothis.”Kaibrokedownintosobsthatweremorejerksofhischestthantruetears, likehisbodywasbattlingitselfasmuchashismindwas.Hefeltliketearinghimself apart,likethemomentarylullhe’dexperiencedearlierhadbeennothingbuta hallucinatorydream. Thiswashisnewreality. Kaididn’tevennoticethatJonhadreleasedhishands,sincetimeseemedto havedisappeared.Hewastrappedinthisout-of-controlworldinwhichhewastoo chickenshittotalktothewomanheloved,wherehe’dratherhurthertoprotecthimself thantellherthetruth.Andknowingthatabouthimselfmadehisself-loathinggrow exponentially. Ifhewasquick,hecouldyankoutthecath;theneedlewouldbesmall,butifhe jabbedwithenoughforceinjusttherightspot.... “Jon,”Kaisaiddesperately. “Here,”Jonsaid,practicallyshovingpillsintoKai’smouthwithonehandwhile hesecuredKai’swristswithhisother.“Swallow.”Jon’stonewasuncharacteristically commanding. Kaidryswallowed,thepillswantingtosticktohistongue.Hewishedthey workedinstantly;hispulsewasracinginhisthroat,hismindwasspinningwithallkinds ofconflictingthoughts,andaboveitall,hestillwantedtohurthimself.Asifdoingso wouldsomehowreleasethenegativityandinsanitylikewaterleakingfromaspigot. “Kai,”Jonsaid,holdingKai’sheadtoforcehimtomakeeyecontact.“Youare notworthless.Youarenotunlovable.Icareaboutyou.Davidcaresaboutyou.Renee caresaboutyou.Repeatafterme,‘Iamnotworthless.Iamnotunlovable.Peoplecare aboutme.’” “AndI’mgoodenoughandsmartenoughanddoggoneit,peoplelikeme?”Kai snapped.He’dneverseenSNLgrowingup,butJakehadbeenahugefanandquoted fromtheshowallthetime.Kaiwasso,soangry,mostlyathimself,butreally,itwasjust 276 moreemotionragingoutofcontrol,withnorealrhymeorreasonanymore.“Dammit, dammit,dammit,”Kaisaid,reachinguptotrytobeathisfistsagainsthishead,asifthat wouldmakeeverythingjuststop. Jongrippedhisforearms,pullingthemawayandpushingKaidownonthebed. ThepositionmadeKai’salreadyracingpulsespikeuntilitwasalmostallhecouldhear, thunderinginhisears.“Kai.Calmdown.Closeyoureyes.Focusonyourbreathing,OK? Idon’twantyoutothinkaboutanythingelseexceptthat.”JonreleasedoneofKai’s arms,theonewiththeIV,andlaidhishandonKai’schestasheguidedhimthrough slow,measuredbreathing. Kai’smindkepttryingtoscreamathimhowuselesshewas,triedtoremind himofwhatafuckuphewas,ofallthepeoplehe’dhurtordisappointedinhislife.A mockeryoftheCircleofForgivenessfromtheexerciseDr.Millerhadguidedhim throughearlier.(Whichfeltlikeforeverago.)Aringofpeople,somenotevenclearfaces, circlinghimandshoutingepithets:disgusting,worthless,retard,selfish,freak. Darkness.Thosewords,muffled,comingthroughalockedbathroomdoor. Then,suddenly,hisperspectiveshiftedandhefeltthecold,hardmetalofa lockerupagainsthisback,hisarmspinnedastheywereheldoutathissides,crucifixion style. “Theyshouldn’tallowretardsandfreaksinthisschool,”Jeremysaid.Thehigh schoolbullystillhadbruisingaroundhishealingbrokennoseandglaredatKaiwith killereyesfullofloathing. “Thenwhatareyoudoinghere,asshole?”Kaispokethewordsslowly,proudhe gottheEnglishrightandthepronunciationclearonthefirsttrydespitethefactthathe wasstrugglingtobreathe,onthebrinkofanasthmaattack,thepositionnotdoinghim anyfavors. Thefirstpunchtohisgutsnappedhimbacktoreality. Sortof. “Don’ttouchme!Don’tfuckingtouchme!”Kaiscreamed,jerkingviolently awayfromJon. Heheardacrashandacurse. Kaiwasbreathingheavily,hiseyeswild,searchingtheroom,tryingtofigure outwherehewas.Notthebathroom.Notthehighschool....Jon’sroom.Jon’sroom, heremindedhimselfashepulledhislegstowardhischest.Hewasshakingnow, practicallyvibrating.Hedippedhisforeheadtohiskneesandrockedhimself,willingit alltostop.Tojuststop.Juststop. “Kai.Areyouthere?Canyoutalktome?” KailiftedhisheadandsawJon,hoveringnearthebed,thoughhewaskeeping asafedistance,hishandonhisface.Whenhedroppedit,Kaicouldseeabruisealready beginningtoformonhisbrother’scheekthatcouldpotentiallyturnintoablackeye. Kai’seyeswidened,freshtearsspilled.“Oh,fuck.Oh,fuck,”hemutteredasherealized hehaddonethat.WhatifthathadbeenRenee?Shewassotiny.Whatifhewaswithher andhefreakedout?Hecouldhurther.Hecould...killher.“OhGod,Jon.I’msorry.” Jondidn’tsayanything;hejustwatchedKaiwarily,notthatKaicouldblame him.Theself-loathingofearliersurgeduntilitwasoverwhelming,almostlikeapoison gasfillinghislungsandcuttingoffhisair.Kaicurledupintoatightball,usingonehand tokeephislegstuckedtohischestandhisothertoburyhisheadinhisknees.Maybeif hewilleditstronglyenough,he’ddisappear. 277 VickylistenedtothesoundofthewaterinJon’sbathroomasheshowered,takinga hesitantseatononesideofJon’sbed.Kailayonhisside,curledintothefetalposition, deepinadrug-inducedsleep,barelybreathing,thoughhedidn’tlookrelaxed.Hisface wasalmostpained,hisnosetwitching,hiseyesmovingbehindhislids,likelyhaving nightmares.Despitethestubbleonhischeeks,likethisshewasremindedhowvery youngKaiwas,almostyoungenoughtobeherson,andshecouldn’thelpthinkingof Andrew.Partofherwantedtoreachupandnudgesomeofthesweat-drenchedbangs offhisforehead,butJonhadwarnedhernottotouchKai. Jonhadrefusedtogointodetail,respectingKai’sprivacy,buthehadexplained thatKaihadbeenhavingsomeproblemswithhisnightmaresbleedingintoreality, whichwaswhyKaihadattackedJoninthefirstplace.It’salsowhyJonhadaskedVicky tobravetheBlackFridaycrowdsheknewshehated(evenifitwasayearlytraditionfor manyofherfemalecousinsandafewofhersisters)tobuyastrangeassortmentofitems forKai,tohelpgroundhiminreality. “Kai,”Vickysaidinalowvoice,partofherwonderingifshewasacowardfor speakingtohimwhilehewasunconscious.ButJonhadinsisteditwasbetterifshe wasn’taroundKaiforafewdays,andshe’donlystayednowtogiveJonachanceto shower,shave,andeatwithoutworryingaboutleavingKaiunsupervised. Vickystretchedherhandoutonthebed,herfingersrestingonlyafewinches fromKai’s.“I’msorry,”shesaid,focusedontheirfingers.“I’msorryifI’mtoblamefor anyofthis.IknowhowimportantJonistoyou,andviceversa,andItrynottobeselfish withJon,but...”Shetookinaharshbreath.“It’shard,withthebaby,youknow?” Vickychuckledsoftly.“Ofcourseyoudon’tknow.Howcouldyou?Ijust...Iloveyour brother.Verymuch.AndIwantthisbaby.Iwantmyownfamily.AndIguess,foralittle whileIthought...”Vickyshookherhead,rolledhereyesatherself.“It’ssilly,butI guess...Iwasjealousofyou.IthoughtJonlovedyoutoomuch.Thathecouldn’thave roominhisheartformeandthebaby.”Vickytuckedsomestrayhairthathadfallenout ofherbraidbehindherear.“ButIrealizedlovedoesn’tworkthatway.Especiallyfor someonelikeJon.Themoreyoulove,themoreyoucanlove.SoIhopeyouwon’tseeme asstealingJonfromyou.Instead,Ihopeyou’llseeitasyourfamilygrowing.” Kai’seyesopenedslowly.Hefeltheavy,lightheaded,andutterlyexhausted,butthatwas parforthecourse.Eventhoughtheykeptthesedationlight,athisrequest,andeven thoughhewasonthemostleak-freetrachetubetheyhad,therewasnogettingaround thefactthathislungscouldbarelykeephisbloodoxygenated,evenwiththemachine endlesslypuffingawayforhim. Everypartofhimhurt,atinglingnumbnessfromnervesangrilycryingout againstthelackofoxygen,andoneofthedoctors—Kaicouldhardlykeepthemstraight anymoreifitwasn’tDr.J—hadexplainedhiskidneyswereprecariouslyclosetoshutting down.Andanother,thathisheart—whichhadalwaysbeenhealthy—wasbeginningto feelthestrainofoverwork.Kaihadtechnicallybeendyingforyears,butnowitwas morerealthanever.Hewastired,andhewasreadyforthisalltofinallyend,butatthe sametime.... Hewasafraid. Kai’slifehadn’tbeenterriblywonderful,andthebriefmomentofhappiness he’dfoundwithBeccahadbeenshatteredweeksago.Hereallyhadnothingtoliveforor lookforwardto,andyet....Hewassovery,veryafraid. Andtheworstpartwashecouldnever,wouldnever,admitthattoanyone, 278 includingandespeciallyJon,andthatmadehimfeelsoachinglyalone. “Hey,”asoftmalevoicewhispered. Kai’sheadthrobbed.Beforeheopenedhiseyes,hewasassaultedbythestrong scentoffragrant,burningwood,followedbythewhineofviolins.Vivaldi?Tchaikovsky? Beethoven?JonhadexposedKaitosomeoftheclassicalstandardswhilewaitingforhis transplant,buthehonestlycouldn’trecognizeacomposerbasedonthetune,exceptifa particularsymphonyorconcerto(orwhatever,hedidn’tknowwhatthedifferencewas) wasfamiliar.Hefeltalargehandsmoothinghisarm,thenplacingsomethingroughin hisgrip.Confused,hefinallyraisedhislids,hisvisionalittleblurryandhazyfromthe lingeringdrugs.Hesawwhatlookedlikesomekindofprojectionnightlightcastinga faintpatternofrotatingstarsononewall.Maybeitwasthedrugs,buthefoundhimself entrancedbyit. “Youwithme?” Kaiblinkedslowlyafewtimesbeforeguidinghiseyestowardthevoice.Kai realizedhelayonhisside,carefullyarranged,andJonsatontheedgeofthebed.He lookedbetterthanKairemembered,alittlemorerested,notsohaggard.He’dshaved, andprobablyshowered,fromthelookofhishair,whichseemedlikehe’dwasheditbut forgottentobrushit.Kai’sstomachstillroileduneasily,andhewonderedifitwasthe smellnothelpingmatters.HisfingersbrushedalongtheobjectJonhadplacedinhis hand.Hehonestlydidn’tknowwhatitwas;itwasalmostlikeascouringbrush,but aboutafootlong,withastringononeend,andmadeofasofter,plasticmaterialthat stretchedifhepulledonitbutwasroughwhenherubbeditbetweenhisfingers.Again, maybeitwasthedrugs,buthefoundhelikedthefeelofit,thewaythefibersshiftedas hefiddledwithit.ItmightbeaniceproptotaketohissessionswithDr.Miller,he thoughtidly.Hisbrowsfurrowed.Howmuchtimehadpassed?Theclockacrossthe roomrevealedthetimeasnearlyeight,whichmeanthe’dlostalmosthalfadaysincehis lastfreakout.Unless...wasitstillFriday?Hadhealreadytakenhisnightlymeds? Everythingwasablur. “Kai?” Kaiforcedhimselftolookathisbrotheragain,whohadturnedmoretoface him,andthistimeKaisawtheredishpurplebruiseonhisbrother’scheek.Toofreshfor Kaitohavelostmorethanaday,then.“AmIhallucinatingagain?” Jon’seyebrowsquirkedup,butthenheseemedtorealizeKaiwasaskingabout thestrangeobjectsandthescent.Incense,maybe?Kaihadneveractuallysmelledany, buthehadreadaboutit.“Thisisalltohelpkeepyouinreality,sono,”Jonsaidwitha friendlysmile.“It’spasttimetotakeyourmeds.Youuptoit?Itriedtowakeyouearlier, butyouweretoooutofit.” Kaihadavaguememoryofdreamingabouthisfinaldaysbeforehistransplant, andtellingJonaboutDr.Fox,ofJeremybeatinghimwhilehewaspinnedtotheschool locker,ofDavidvisiting,andVicky’svoicetellinghimhowmuchshelovedJon,though hewasn’tentirelysurewhatwasrealandwhatwasn’t.Hemanagedafaintnod,andJon helpedhimsitupslowly. Kaitookhisinhaledmedicationsfirst,coughingmorethannormalafterward. Foraminute,whilehewascoughing,hehadaflashofamemory:coughingviolently, unabletostop,unabletobreathe,whileJontriedtohelphimandtheirmothershouted atJontoshuthimup.Kai’seyeswidened,butdidn’thavetoolongtodwellbeforeJon slippedsomethinginhismouth. 279 “Suckonthat.It’snotmedicine.” Itwasstronglysour,anditpulledhimawayfromthesurprisememorybefore turningsweet.Hechewedandswallowed,lookingatJon,confused. “Wereyoustartingtogetlostthere?Didthecandyhelp?” Kaiblinked,wonderingifsomethinginhisfacehadshowedtoclueJonin.He nodded. “Good,”Jonsaid,soundingbothhappyandrelieved.“Here.”HeofferedKai severalpills,allofwhichKairecognizedexceptforone. “Whatisthat?” “Celexa.ItalkedwithDr.Millerwhileyouwereout,andweboththinkyou shouldstartitnow.” Kaifrowned,pluckingallthepillsbutthatoneandswallowingthemwithafew drinksofGatoradethatJonofferedhim.“I’malreadynauseousenough.” Jonsighed.Helookedsad.“Iknow,Kai.ButIdidsomeresearchonitwhile youweresleeping,andItalkedtoDr.Milleragain,andwebothagreeitcouldreallyhelp youranxiety,andmaybe,long-term,yourdepression,bothofwhichcouldhelpwith yourPTSDsymptoms.” Kai’seyesfurrowedangrily,buthisemotionsdidn’tswirloutofcontrol.Hejust felthungover,dizzyandsick.“DidIhallucinatehertellingmeshedidn’twanttostart meonadrugtocontrolmysymptoms?”HethoughtherememberedJonforcinghimto talktoherafterKai...afterKaihithim,buthecouldn’tbesureanythingwasreal.He frowneddeeply,theuncertainty,theinabilitytotrusthimself—inmorewaysthanone— swirlingaroundinhisbellylikeanunhappybeast. Jonsighedagain,moreexasperated.“No.Ididcallher,andyoudidtalktoher. Butthatotherdrugwillmeanyouhavetogointothehospitalsinceit’llaffectallyour othermedicationsandcouldpotentiallyputyouatriskforinfectionorrejection.The CelexaonlyaffectstheZofranandtheMexitil,anditcouldstarthelpingyouwithinafew days.”AtKai’scontinuedscowl,Jonadded,“Reneecomeshometomorrow.Ifyoudon’t wanttoseeheryet,Icankeepherawayforafewdaysontheexcusethatshe’scovered withgermsfromhertrip,which,honestly,istrue.Ifyoutakethisnow,maybeyou’llbe moreofyourselfbythetimeyouhavetofaceher.”Jonpushedhishandwiththepill towardKai. Kai’sshouldersslumped.HemissedReneesofuckingmuch,yetatthesame timewasterrifiedoffacingher,especiallysincehecouldhurther,notonlyemotionally, butphysically,andhehatedhimselfforit. JonpushedanothercandyintoKai’smouthandwaited. Focusingonthetasteofthecandy,ontheincense,ontheweirdplasticloopy thinginhishand,onthemusic,insteadofthenegativethoughtshelpedcenterhim,and hetookadeepbreath.“OK,”Kaisaid,acceptingthepillandpoppingitintohismouth. “Good,”Jonsaidwithastrangesmile,almostproud,maybe?“There’s somethingIwantedtotalktoyouabout.Ifyouaren’treadytodealwithitrightnow,I getit,butI’mhopingitmighthelpyoufeelalittlebetter.” AhalfdozenpossibilitiesracedthroughKai’shead,thoughtheywereall negative,soheknewhewasn’tright.“OK,”hesaidtentatively,decidingtotakeafew moresipsofGatorade. Joncardedhisfingersthroughhishairafewtimes.“Iknowyou’renervous aboutVicky’spregnancy,andhowthat’llchangethingsbetweenus....ItalkedtoVicky aboutitalittle—don’tgetmad,please,letmefinish—andsheofferedtomodifyher 280 house.”Jonletthathangforamoment. Withthedrugs,Kaiwasn’thissharpest,soittookhimalittlelongerto understandwhatJonwassaying.“Doesthatmeanshe...wantsusbothtomovein?” Hisbrowsfurroweddeeply. “It’sanoption.Youcouldhelpuswiththebaby.Wecouldallbeafamily,and youwouldn’thavetobealone.” KaishuttheGatoradesohecouldusehishandstopullhiskneesuptohis chestandresthischinonthem.PartofhimwastouchedbythefactthatVickyobviously caredenoughaboutJontobewillingtoputupwiththeparasitethatKaiwas,buthe knewthiswaslikelyjustanotherrecipeforKaitodestroyJon’slife.Hewantedtosay something,anything,buthecouldn’tevenseemtoformthetruthintowords. “Ithoughtyou’dbehappy,”Jonsaid,soundingheartbroken. Dammit.Evennotsayinganythinghewasfuckingthingsup.“Iruin everything,Jon,”Kaisaidinasmallvoice. “That’snottrue.Vickycaresaboutyou,too.” Kailaughedandrealizedhewasfuckingcrying.Again.“Shebarelyknowsme, Jon.Butshe’ddoanythingforyou.I’veseenthewayshelooksatyou.Andsheobviously putsupwithalltheshitIcreateinyourlives,sothatrighttheresaysalot.”Kailethis foreheadhithiskneeswithathud.“God,I’msosickofthis.” HeheardJonsigh,andtheshiftofthemattress,andamomentlater, somethingwasnudginghisshins. Reluctantly,Kailookedupandsawastuffedfoxthatlookedeerilyliketheone Dr.Foxhadgivenhimadozenyearsago.“What...what’sthat?”Kaiasked,barelyable togetoutthewords. “IknowI’msupposedtobegroundingyouinthepresent,but...Ithought...” Jonpushedhisfingersthroughhishair,grippingthestrands.“Shit,itwasaterrible idea,wasn’tit?I’msorry.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.” Kaiwasn’tevensurewhatexpressionwasonhisfaceashedroppedonehand fromhislegsandreachedoutfortheanimal,cradlingitclosetohim.Itevensmelledthe same,butforsomereason—maybebecauseofthemusicandtheincenseandthelights— hedidn’tflashback.“Vickyboughtthis,didn’tshe?Andeverythingelse?”Kai’svoicewas heavywithtears,thoughonlyafewescapedhiseyes. “Ididn’ttellherwhy.Notreally,anddefinitelynotaboutthat—” “Idon’tdeserveanyofthis,”Kaisaid,beginningtoloseit.“Ihurtpeople.That’s whatIdo.”Hethoughthowifhe’ddiedlastyear,hewouldneverhavehurtanyoneever again,buthedidn’tvoicethat,becauseheknewthatwouldhurtJonmorethananything rightnow. “That’snottrue.CallRenee.Ithinkyou’llfeelbetterifyoutalktoher.” Kaitookafewminutestoregulatehisbreathing,togetthetearsundercontrol, atleastforthetimebeing.Hesnuggledthefoxwithonearm,knowingitwasridiculous butstillfindingitdisturbinglycomforting,andacceptedhisphonewithhisotherhand. Takinganotherdeepbreath,hedialed. Reneewascarefullywatchinghermawmawdropsquaresofdoughintoapotofboiling oil.“Remember,thesecretisthetemperatureoftheoil.Ifit’snothotenough,the beignetswon’tcomeoutright,andifit’stoohot,they’llburn.” EvangelinewasconvincedthatReneecouldmakethebeignetsforKaiwhen shegotbacktoJonesville,andhadspentachunkofthedayteachingher,including 281 makingthemfromscratch.ReneewasworriedenoughaboutmakingthemfromaCafe duMondemix,letaloneifshehadtostartfromrawingredients.Still,shewasdoingher besttopayattention,becauseshereallywantedtodothisforKai. Reneewatchedthedoughsizzlingintheoil,barelyhearingherphonering abovethenoise.Surprised(andhopingitwasn’toneofherhighschoolclassmates hopingtohitthecollegebarsonherlastnightintown),Reneepulleditoutofherapron pocket.HerfacelitupinasmilewhenshesawKai’snameonhercallerID.“Kai!I hadn’theardfromyousinceyesterdaymorning.Imissedyou.” “Hey,Re,”Kaisaid.Hisvoicesounded...off,somehow.Sad,maybe. Sherememberedhisconfessioninthecarenroutetotheairporttheotherday andwonderedifthathadanythingtodowithit.Still,shedecidedtobedelicate.“How wasyourThanksgiving?” “...Interesting,”Kaisaidafteralongpause.Hehesitatedagainbeforeadding, “It’sbeenaroughcoupledays.” PartofReneehurtthatKaiobviouslyhadn’tfelthecouldcallherandtalkto heraboutit,butsheknewthat“beingforthcomingwasn’tKai’sdefaultsetting”ashe’d toldhermorethanonce.“I’msorry.You’llseemesoon,though,right?Thatmakes everythingbetter.”Sheletthesmilecomethroughinhervoice. Kaisighedheavily,whichsurprisedandworriedher.“Actually,I...Ican’tsee youforawhile.That’swhyIcalled.” Renee’sheartfell.“What?” “Betweentheairportandtheplanes,andbeingaroundsomanypeopleina strangecity....” “Oh.”EvangelinewaswatchingReneesurreptitiouslyassheremovedthe cookedpastriesfromthepotwithawireskimmer,settingthemonpapertowelsnearby. “Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutthat.Idon’twanttomakeyousick.” Kaitookinasharpintakeofbreath.“Re...youknowIwouldn’thurtyou intentionally,right?”Kai’svoicewaspained. “Kai?” “I...youknowItoldyouI’mcomplicated,right?” ThatmadeReneesmilefaintly,thoughshewalkedfartherawayfromthestove, concernchurninginhergut.“Yeah?” “There’s...there’salotaboutmeyoustilldon’tknow,andI...”Hisvoicewas trembling. “Kai?What’swrong?” “I’minabadplacerightnow,Re,”Kaiadmittedafteralongpause.Shewas surprisedbyhowmuchemotionsheheardinhisvoice.“It’sprobablysaferforyouifyou stayawayfrommeforawhile.” “Idon’tunderstand.” “Idon’teither,andthat’stheproblem,”Kaisaidinadefeatedvoice.“I’mso sorry.”Shethoughtsheheardwhatsoundlikehimbreakingdownintotearsbeforeher earsweremetbytheharshsoundofthedialtone. Reneestood,bewildered,staringatherphoneforseveralminutes,tryingto processwhatjusthappened. “Sugar?Areyouallright?” Renee’sbrowsfurrowedandsheshookherheadslowly.“Ithink...IthinkKai justbrokeupwithme.” Evangelineguidedhertoachairandsatdownbesideher.“Whatdoyoumean 282 you‘think’?” “Itwassostrange.Somethingwasclearlybotheringhim.Hesaidhethoughtit wouldbebetterifIstayedawayfromhim,andthathewassorry,andthathedidn’twant tohurtmeintentionally.Ihavenoideawhathe’stalkingabout.”Reneeblinkedrapidly. “IalreadytoldhimIacceptedeverythingabouthim,hishealth....”Reneeseemedtobe talkingtoherself. “Whatareyoutalkingabout?” Reneesighed,fiddledwiththeapronstring.“Iwasgoingtotalktoyouaboutit atsomepoint,buteverythingwastoohectic....Iguessnowitdoesn’tmatter.” Evangelinefrowned.“Isawthewayhewaslookingatyouinthatphoto,hon. I’msurewhateverhesaid,youprobablyjustmisunderstood.” Reneewantedtobelievehergrandmother;afterall,Kaihadsungforher, whichhe’dconfessedafterthefactwasnotsomethingheeverdid.Ever.Hewasstillself consciousenough,he’dadmitted,aboutspeaking,letalonetryingtoputatunetoit.“I’d doanythingforyou,”Kaihadtoldhersincerely.Maybehewassick?Hehadn’tsounded likeit,butmaybethatwaswhyhetoldhertostayaway?Butthatdidn’tmakesense. He’dspokenasifbeingaroundhimwouldbedangerousforher,nothim.Andhe’d clearlybeenextremelyupset. “Hon?” Reneesnappedoutofherthoughtsandmanagedafaintsmile.“Kai...hehasa neuromusculardisease,”shesaidbluntly. “Whatdoesthatmean?” Reneeleanedbackinherchair,shovingherhandsintoherapronpockets.“His legsdon’tworkright,”Reneesaidsimply.“Heneedsbraces,andcrutches,too, sometimes,towalk,orheusesawheelchair.”Reneelookedoverathergrandmother, bracingforsomekindofcastigation. “Isee,”Evangelinesaidwithanod,completelynon-judgmental.“Therewasa boyIlikedwhenIwasyounger,beforeImetyourpawpaw,who’dhadpoliowhenhe wasachild,andneededbracesandcrutchestowalk.Ithoughthewassointeresting, though.Handsome.But,believeitornot,Iwastooshytodomorethansayafewwords tohim.” ThatcaughtReneecompletelyoffguard,andshefoundherselfremembering theirnightatthemovies,howincrediblysexyKaihadbeen,standingsotallandstrong, leaningonhiscrutches.Shesighedsoftlyattheimage,thoughawaveofsadness overtookherwhensherealizedshewouldn’tgettoseeKaiwhenshegotback.Forhow long?Didthatmeanhewasn’tgoingtocometoclass? “Ibetyourparentswon’tapprove,butaslongashetreatsyouright,yourpaw pawandIwon’tcareifhecanwalkornot.” Reneetriedtosmile,butitwasweak.Shedebatedaboutwhethersheshould explaintherest,butknewshehadto.HopefullywhateverKaiwasgoingthroughwas temporary,andifso,shewouldwanttobeabletotalktohergrandmotherabout everythingKai-related,andshedidn’twanttohavethisconversationoverthephone. “Thanks,MawMaw.But...Kai...”Shestruggledtofindawaytoputit.“Kaialsohasa lungdisease,andhehadatransplantlastyear.Sohe’shealthynow,buthehastotakea lotofmedications,andhehastobecarefulaboutgettingsick.That’spartofwhyhe calledme,totellmeIcan’tbearoundhimforafewdayssinceI’llbeallgermy.” ThisinformationseemedtogiveEvangelinepause,andshespentseveral minutesinsilencebeforespeaking.“Idon’tknowmuchaboutthesethings,butpeople 283 don’tlivelongaftertransplants,dothey?IthoughtIsawsomethingaboutthatonthe news,orPBS,orsomething.” Reneesighed.“Hewarnedmebeforewegotseriousthathecouldgetreally sick,andhecoulddie,buthealsomightnot.ItoldhimIwantedtotakethatrisk.” Reneehesitated,twistingthefabricofherapronaroundandaroundherfinger,making aspiralshapethatremainedevenaftersheletitgo.“Ilovehim,MawMaw.”ThenRenee suddenlyburstintotears. “Shh,”Evangelinewhispered,pullingReneeintoahug.“It’llbeOK.It’llallbe OK.” 284 November25,2000 Jonhadtried,onceagainunsuccessfully,togetKaitoshower.Itwasn’tevensomuch thatthebathroomscaredhim(though,honestly,he’dstillbeenavoidingit,notwanting topresshisluck),justtheweightofdepressionthathadsettledonKai’sshoulders.He’d mostlysleptthroughthenightbecauseofheavysedation,whichhadlefthimtrappedin anendlessstreamofnightmares,bitsandpiecesofmemorymergedwithstrange metaphorandvisionsofhimselfhurting,orevenkilling,Reneebymistake.Whenhe’d finallybeenpulledoutofsleepforhismorningmeds,itwasasifhehadn’tsleptatall, andhefeltevenworseabouthimselfthanhehadafterhanginguponReneethenight before. KaihadthenenduredJon’slectureabouthowKaiwasgoingtogetserious cutaneouscandidiasis(essentially,Athlete’sfootalloverhisskinbecauseofhis immunocompromisedcondition),whichcouldturnsystemicifhedidn’twashhisbody. AfterKai’scontinuedapathy,evenafterthreatsthatJonwouldwashhimhimselffailed tochangeanything,JonhadtakentostrippingKaiandwipinghisskinwithan antimicrobialwash.Undernormalcircumstances,itprobablywouldhavebeen humiliating,butKaiwasabout250milespastCaringandheadingstraighttowardDon’t GiveAShitat100mph. “I’mnotshavingyou,”Jonhadtoldhim,andpartofKaihadwonderedifhe couldfigureoutawaytoconvinceJontolethimshavehimselfwithoutwatchinghim constantly.Heuseddisposablesafetyrazors,sinceitwasmorehygienic,butwhenthey’d firstmovedintotheapartmentfouryearsago,Kaihadfallenintooldhabitsof12years ofinstitutionallifeandhiddenthingseverywhere.Includingacoupleboxcutterblades, oneofwhichwastapedtothebackofthemiddlerightdrawerofhisbathroomvanity.If Kaihadafewminutesunsupervised,it’dbeeasytopullthedraweroutjustenoughto extractit. Kaiknew,inadimpartofhisbrain,that,liketheglassshardthedaybefore, evenhavingthebladewouldbeverybadidea,buthewantedit,desperately,likeajunkie needingafix.Hedidn’twanttokillhimselfwithit.Notthathecoulddoitrightnow sinceJonhadseizedhismedsandputthemoutofhisreach,buttherewerealotmore efficientwaystocommitsuicide,inhisopinion,thanslittingone’swrists.No,hejust wantedtofeelthepain,tobleedoutsomeofhisguiltandshame. Unfortunately,ithadn’tworkedthatway,sonowKaisatonthecouchinDr. Miller’soffice,sullen,unshaven,hisstomachempty(he’dmadeanattempttoeatsoJon wouldleavehimaloneonlytothrowitupagainalmostimmediately).JonhadlefttheIV cathinKai’swrist,whichstillhurt,andvaguely,Kaiwonderedifhewasgetting phlebitis,buthedidn’tcare.JonhadtapedthecathwellenoughthatKaicouldn’tpullit outwithoutalotofeffort,buthecouldstillpressonitifhewantedtofeelalittlejoltof pain.Whichhewasdoingrightnow.He’dbeensittingthereforatleastfiveminutes, absentlypickingatthetapejusttogivehisfingerssomethingtodo. “Kai,doyouwanttojoinus?”Dr.Millerasked. Kaididn’tlookup.Heshrugged.“Whydoesitmatter?” “Ifyoudon’ttalktome,wecan’tmakeanyprogress.Don’tyouwanttoget better?” Kaishookhisheadasheshruggedasingleshoulder,abandonedhiswrist becausethatpainwasn’tenoughanymore.“I’mprettysureIbrokeRenee’sheartlast 285 night,becauseI’maselfishasshole.” Dr.Millerdidn’tsayanything.Oneofherpointedsilenceswhereshewas waitingforKaitoelaborate.ButKaididn’tfeellikecooperatingtoday.Hisheadwas throbbingfromtheZofran,whichhaddonelittletoquellhisuneasystomach,andreally, hejustcouldn’tseethepointtoanyofthis.Heabsentlymassagedthesideofhis foreheadwithhisthumb,pressinginandmovingitincircles. “WhatdidyoutellReneelastnight?”Dr.MillerpromptedaftersherealizedKai wasn’tgoingtosayanythingelse. “Tostayawayfromme,”Kaisaidinadefeatedvoice,stillworkingonhis headache.Jonhadn’tgivenhimthathighadoseofbenzosthismorning,butitwasstill enoughthathisheadfeltheavyinadditiontotheache.Heshiftedonthecouchsohe couldlazilydrapehisheadonthebackofit. “Whatisthatsupposedtomean?” Kaiscowled,butthatmadehisheadacheworse,soherelaxedintoafrown. “DidyouseeJon’sface?Ididthat.”KaimetDr.Miller’seyesforthefirsttimesincethe sessionstarted.“Reneeislike,fivefoot,one-hundredpounds.Icouldseriouslyhurther, andnotjustemotionally.”Kaisighedheavily,givinguponhisheadache.Maybefocusing onthethrobbingjustabovehiseyecoulddistracthimfornow.“She’sbetteroffwithout meanyway.Everyoneis.” Dr.Millerdidn’tsayanythingimmediately,butKaicouldhearherpen scratchingagainstthepaper.Hewonderedwhyshebotheredwithhim.Onceitwasclear Kaiwasn’tgoingtosayanythingelse,Dr.Millerspokeup.“Youdorealizethatyou’ve essentiallydonetoReneewhatNikkididtoyou?” Kaiblinkedatherbutremainedquiet. “IthinkyouandNikkiweredrawntoeachotherbecauseyou’rebothvery muchalike.Youbothneededescape,youbothdidn’tthinkyoucouldtrust.Andshe decideditwouldbebettertorunthanpotentiallysubmityoutoemotionalandphysical harmwhileatthesametimeshieldingherselffromhavingtosharetoomuchofherpast withyou.Thatdoesn’tsoundfamiliar?” Kai’sstomachknottedasherealized(asusual)Dr.Millerwasright.When framedthatway,KaihaddoneexactlythesamethingasNikki,minustheadmissionof love,thoughtheirlastnighttogetherhadprettymuchcementedthesentiment,without words.“Fuck,”Kaisaid,finally,butitwasn’tangry.Hefeltsomeofhiscarefullycrafted nonchalance,hiscold,dispassionate,protectiveframeofmindchipping.“Dr.M,I...” Kaistruggledtobreathe.“Idon’tknowwhattodo.Yesterday...Ihardlyevenknow whatwasrealandwhatwasn’t,”Kaiadmitted,lettinghisfrustrationandanguishseep intohisvoice.“Idon’tknowwhattodo.” Dr.Millershiftedherweight,andshesighed,butitwasasoftsound,not exasperatedthewayKaiwouldhaveexpected,knowinghowdifficulthewas.“That’s whyyou’rehere,Kai.SoIcanhelpyoulearnhowtodealwitheverythingandget throughthis.” Kainodded,broughthislegsuptohischest,holdingtheminatuck. “Howmuchoftheseflashbacksanddreamsdoyouremember?” Kaishrugged,squeezinghislegstopullthemtightertohischest.“Bitsand pieces.” “Canyoutalkaboutanyofit,oristhattoodifficultrightnow?” Kailaidhisheadonhisknees.HecontinuedasifDr.Millerhadn’tspoken. “Notjuststuffwithmyaunt.Allkindsofthings.Likemybrain’sbeenthrowingupall 286 sortsofmemories,someofwhichIdidn’tevenknowwerethere.SomeofwhichI’mnot even100%surearereal.” Crossingherlegs,Dr.Millerasked,“Whatdoyoumeanbythat?” Kailethislidsfallclosed,focusingonthecolorsdancingbehindthem.“Iwas rememberingstufffromwhenIwaslittlelittle,beforemyparentsdied.Orfromright beforemytransplantwhenIwasreallyoutofit.Orfromthehospitalaftermytimewith myaunt.SomeofthatstuffIdon’tthinkIcouldpossiblyremember.”Kaibithislip hard,thoughnotenoughtodrawblood,andforcedhimselftolookatDr.Miller sincerely.“WhenIhurtJonyesterday,Ididn’t...Ithought...”Kaisighed.“Iwas pickedonrelentlesslyinhighschool,especiallymyfirstcoupleyears.” Dr.Millerwaswriting,butstilllookingatKai,noddingtosignalheshould continue. “Itwasn’tlikethatwasthefirsttimeI’deverbeenmocked.Therewereplenty ofpeopleatJSDwhohatedmebecauseIwashearing,orteasedmebecauseofmy crutches.EvenatCountyHouseIwasanoutcast.Buthighschool...”Kaishookhis head.“Forgetit.” “Kai,”Dr.Millersaidinhermildlyreproachfultone.Itmanagedtobefirm withoutbeingmean,andsheuseditwhenevershewasn’tgoingtolethimgetawaywith backtrackingorweaselingoutofsomething. Kai’sheadachewasspreadingalongthebonefromonesideofhisforeheadto theother.“Highschoolwasreallyhardforme.Iwasjustlearninghowtospeak,Iwas separatedfromthelanguageandthecommunityIhadknownmywholelife.Andontop ifitall,myMLSwasflaringhorrendously.TheMexitilmadewalkingdifficult,andgave metheworstandmostconsistentchronicnauseaofmylife.” “That’swhenyouwereflaggedforhavinganeatingdisorder?” Kainodded.He’dmentionedit,inpassing,atsomepoint,whenDr.Millerhad suggestedthathisstomachissuesmightbeatleastpartiallytiedtohisanxiety.“Eating DisorderNotOtherwiseSpecified,”Kaisaidwithafrown,ashefingerspelledthe acronymtostirhismemory,relatinghispreviousdiagnosis.“I’veneverlikedeating,but notbecauseIhadsomeridiculousnotionthatfoodwasbadoranything.It’sjust...”Kai shrugged.“EvenwhenI’mnotfeelingsick,Iguessthat’salwaysinthebackofmymind, andit’shardtoreallylikefoodwhenyou’vespentsomuchtimethrowingup.”Heknew hewasn’texplainingitwell. “IthinkIunderstand,”Dr.Millersaid.“Jontoldmeyouhaven’tbeeneating.” Kaireflexivelytouchedhisnose,thenhiswrist,wherethecathwas.“Ijust... can’t.Mystomachwon’tsettle.It’seasierempty.”Hisstomachgurgledangrily, painfully,asiftopunctuateitsdisagreement. “It’seasier,likeit’seasiertostaydruggedsoyousleepthroughyour problems?” Kaishookhishead.“LastnightIwassoheavilydruggedIdidn’twakeup,but thatdoesn’tmeanIdidn’thaveastringofnightmares.”Kaicoveredhisfacewithone hand,theotherarmstillhugginghislegs.“I’msofuckedup.IattackedJonbecauseI thought...Ithoughthewasthiskid,Jeremy,fromhighschool.He...weusedtoget into‘altercations’frequently,”Kaisaid,usingairquotes,hisvoicedrippingwithscorn.“I don’tknowwhatthefuckhisproblemwaswithme.Maybebecausehereallywasn’tthat bigaguybuthehadthiswholemachobullshitpersonahewastryingtoexpress,sohe pickedonthekidthateveryonecouldagreewasafreak,andwhohefiguredwouldnever beabletofightback.” 287 Dr.Millerseemedreallyinterested,sinceallofthiswasn’tsomethingKaihad evertalkedaboutwithherbefore.“I’mguessingyoudidfightback.” “Fuckyeah,Idid,”Kaisaid.“Ineverwasgoingtowin,butIwasornery.Ifelt worsethanshitmostofthetime,alwaysexhaustedfromhavingtodragmycrippledass alloverthathugeschool,anditwasfuckingannoyinghavingtoputupwithJeremyand hisfriends’crapconstantly.Doyouknowhowmanytimestheymanagedtostealthe pinsfrommycrutchesduringclass?Itgotsobadtheteachershadtostartkeepingthem leanedagainstthewallneartheirdesksduringtheperiod,whichleftmetrapped.Butat leastIwasn’tfallingandmakingmyselflooklikeevenmoreofanasshat.”Kaiwas beginningtogetangry,thoughitwasadifferentangerthanhe’dbeenusedtothepast fewmonths.Thiswasmorelikeaslowburnthatradiatedoffhimlikeafever. “Soyourauntwasn’ttheonlyonewhomanipulatedyourmobility?” Kaisighed,whichwasmoreofagroan.Hisheadachewasalow,steadythrob now,hisstomachswirling.HesuspectedDr.Millerwaspurposefullytryingtoleadhim somewhere,andhereallydidn’twanttofollowthatbreadcrumbtrail,butthepast coupledayshadmadeitpainfullyclearthatheneededtofiguresomethingout,soon. “No,”hefinallyadmittedthroughgrittedteeth. “OtherthanthisJeremy,whoelsemayhavedonethat?” Kaipickedataloosestringonhissweats,notwantingtoanswer,notliking howhecouldalreadyfeeltheintenseemotionsbubblingupinsidehimlikeageyser waitingtoexplode.“IthappenedatCHsometimes.PartiallybecauseIdidn’thavemy ownwheelchair.”Kaihesitated.Someoftheorderlieshadbeenrealsadisticassholes, someofthemmoreovertlyabusivetothekidsthanothers,andhedidn’twantto remember.Therewereothermemorieshedidn’twanttocallupnow,especiallysincehe couldn’ttrusthisfuckedupbrainnottobringthemtolifebeforehiseyes.Kaisqueezed hislidsshuttomimicthewayitfeltlikehischesthadcavedin.“Becca...”Hefinally added,buthecouldn’tfinishthesentence,shakinghishead. Dr.Millerbarelyseemedtoreact,asifshe’dbeenexpectingbothadmissions. “Didyoueverhaveanyintrusivememoriesoroverwhelmingemotionsanyofthose othertimes?” Kaiopenedhiseyes,narrowedthematthedoctor.“Whatthefuckdoyou think?”heasked,familiarangerwonderfullysurgingtoreplacetheself-loathing,fear, anddespairthathadstartedcreepingup. “Kai.” “Noone.Notyou.NotJon.NotNikkiorReneeorDavidoranyoneablebodied canunderstandwhatthat’slike,allright?No,Ididn’tstarthallucinatinglikeIhave lately,butyeah,itreallyfuckinggottome.Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?”Kaifeltthat indescribablesensation,thatchurningdeepinsidehim,thatcombustible,overpowering rawemotionthatusuallyprecededfreakingout,bigtime,buthedidn’tfightit.Instead, hejustrodeit,becausehehadtogetitout,hadtomakeDr.Millercomprehendwhat shecouldnevertrulyunderstand.“ThatIcan’thelpthinkingthatifIhadbeenableto walklikeanormalfuckinghumanbeingthatmyauntwouldn’thavebeenabletolock meup?Thatmaybeshewouldn’thaveseenmeasso...repulsive?OratleastthatI couldhavestoppedher?”Kaihadmoreheknewhewantedtosay,buthewasshaking, almostvibrating,andhisthoughtswereracingsofasthecouldn’tquiteputthemall together,letaloneintowords,andhejustscreamedinfrustration,needingsomekindof releaseandunabletofindit. Vaguely,heknewDr.Millerwastalkingtohim,tryingtosoothehim,buthe 288 wasjustlost.Hewasgone.Hewaspinnedtothatbankoflockers,thehandlesdigging intohisback,gasping,hisshouldersachingfromstrugglingtobreatheandfromthe angleatwhichhewasheld,whileJeremyandhiscrewberatedhimandlaughedwhen hetriedtocussthemoutinreturn. I’mnotworthless,I’mnothelpless,I’mnotafreak.Kaikepttryingtotell himselfthesethings,butitwasdifficultwhenhewashelpless,whenhewasafreak, whenhewasworthless.Whenherealizedthatnoonereallygaveashitabouthimon thisplanetexceptmaybe,inpassing,DavidorJakeorArtorJo.Butnoneofthemwould reallycareifJeremykilledhim,eitherdirectlyorindirectly.Hewoulddieandhisbody wouldbecrematedandthenthrownaway,likegarbage. “Kai.”Thatvoicedidn’tfit—especiallysincenoneofthekidsatschoolever calledhimthat,notwithoutmockingthewayhestruggledtopronouncehisownfucking name.Howcouldhehaveeverknownwhenhe’dmadeithislegalfirstnamehow fuckinghardthatslidingAtoIsoundwastomake? “Kai.” Kaiwaswaitingfortherealpunchestostart,theonesthatwouldstealhis breathandmakehimhurlandprovehimevenmoreofafreak.Theonesthathe somehowknewwouldlandhiminthehospital.Thatwouldcollapsehislungandbreak hisribsandleavehiminexcruciatingpainforweeks. “Kai.” Jeremy’sfistmovedinslowmotiontowardKai’sside,Kaisqueezinghiseyes shuttobracehimselffortheimpact,forthesearingpainofbrokenribs.Butsuddenly somethingsoftappearedinKai’shands—whichdidn’tmakesense.Fluffy,smellinglike artificialfur.How—?ItwassojarringthatKaiblinkedseveraltimes,andwhenhe openedhiseyesagain,thehighschool,thelockers,Jeremyandhisganghadallmelted awaytoDr.Miller’soffice,warmandinviting,andDr.MillerandJon.Hefeltlike DorothyattheendofTheWizardofOz. “Ithappenedagain.Fuck,”Kaisaidashecamebacktohimself,realizingJon hadgivenhimthestuffedfox.Kaiwassittingonthecouch,hislegsspreadoutinfront ofhim,hisheadreclinedonthetopofit,breathingheavily.Thoughpartofhimwanted totossthetoy,tonotadmithowmuchhelikedthewayitfeltinhishands,howit broughtupoldmemories,butnotintrusively;instead,theywarmedhimfromthe inside,remindedhimthatnoteveryonewasbad,noteveryonemistreatedhim.That sometimes,evenpeoplewhodidn’tknowhimwellcouldtakeafewminutestomake himfeelbetter. Dr.MillerandJonweretalkingsoftly,thoughKaiwasn’tentirelysureifitwas tohimortoeachother,becausehewasstillnotentirelyinthepresent,hishead swimmingalittle.Hesawahandwavingathim,andfollowedthebluroffingers,his armsstillcradlingthestuffedtoyunderhischin. “Youhere?” Kai’seyeswanderedaroundtheroomagain,pickingoutfamiliardetailsofDr. Miller’soffice,likeherlargemahoganydesk,thespiderplantnearthewindow,thefiling cabinetstoppedwithbooksandmementos,thebookshelffilledwithtextbooksandself helpbooks.Finally,henodded,butakerneloffearstillcoursedthroughhisblood. “Doyouwantmetostaywithyou,orgobacktothewaitingroom?” BothJonandDr.Millerseemedtobewaiting,calmly,forhimtoanswer. “I’mgettingworse,”Kaisaidflatly,surprisedhewasn’tmorepanicky.Perhaps theXanaxfromthismorning,perhapshisbodyjustcouldn’tproducethestress 289 chemicalsinhighdosesanymore,hisglandsexhaustedfromthepastcoupledaysof overwork.“Willthiskeephappening?” Dr.Millersighed,signaledforJontositsinceKaihadn’tdismissedhim.“There aretechniqueswecantrythatcanhelp,butIcan’tsnapmyfingersandmakeeverything stop,Kai.” Kaishookhishead.“Iknow.Ijust...there’snowarningsometimes.One minute,I’mhere,andthenext...”Kairolledhisneck.Hefeltsoweary.Evenwhenhe couldn’ttrustanyone,includinghisownbody,healwayswasabletomasterhismind, hisemotions,hismemories.Andnowhecouldn’tevencontrolthat.“Ican’tstayinmy roomforever,blastingmetal,burningsage,watchingaflashinglightshowwhileIchew onsourcandyandcuddleastuffedanimaltotrytokeepmyselfgroundedinreality.”Kai lookedatJon,whohadavoidedafullblackeye,thankfully,thoughhischeekwasdeeply bruisedandpuffy.“Ican’ttrustIwon’tattacksomeone.ThatIwon’thurtmyself. WithoutevenrealizingwhatI’mdoing.”Helookeddownatthelittlefox,whowas smiling,andhefeltasharpacheinhischest.“Ithink...”Heburiedhisfaceinthefur foramoment,inhalingthesmell,tryingtoclingtoagoodmemory,tohope,foronce.“I thinkmaybeIshouldgointothehospital.” Jonletoutanabbreviatedgasp. “Idothinkthat’sthebestcourseofactionatthemoment,Kai.” “Just.Promiseme...”Helookedoverathiswheelchair.“ThatIhavemyown chairforwhenI’mnot...”Kaishuddered.“Restrained?” Dr.Millernodded.Kaisuspected,thoughhedidn’treallyhaveanyevidence, thatDr.Millerwouldhaveunderstood(aswellasanyonewalkingcould)whythatwas soimportanttohim,evenwithouthisearlieradmissions.“Theywon’tbehappyaboutit, butI’llseewhatIcando.” Kai’sstomachcrampedupashelookedfromJontoDr.Millerandadmitted, “I’ll...I’lltrytobecooperative,evenifIhavetodo...group.Idon’t...Idon’twant thistobemylife.” Dr.Millersmiled,andthatmadehisheartsoar,becausehecouldfeelthatshe wasproudofhim,andasridiculousasitwas,thatwasimportanttohim.“That’sreally good,Kai.Iknowhowdifficultthisisforyou.You’llhavesessionswithmedaily,butyou willalsoseeotherdoctors,too.I’lltrytoseeifIcangetpeoplethatItrustwillbe compatiblewithyou,tomakethisaseasyaspossible.OK?” KainoddedandlookedtoJon,thenbackatDr.Miller.“WillIgettoseeJon?” Dr.Millersighed.“Probablynot.It’lldependonhowlongyou’rethereand whatyourdoctorsandIthinkisbestforyourstability.”Kainoticedshedidn’tsay “recovery,”anditmadehimdoubthimself. “DoyouthinkI’llhavetobetherealongtime?I...”Kaishivered.“IknowI’m innoshapenowtogotoschoolanyway,but—” “Thisisn’tlikethemovies.Youwon’tbethereindefinitely.Mostlikely, consideringhowunstableyou’vebecomethepastday,I’dguessafewdaystoaweek. That’llgivetimefortheCelexatowork,foryoutogetawayfromanystressfulsituations thatmightbeexacerbatingyoursymptoms.” Kainodded,huggedthefoxagainsthischesttightly.“I’mreallyscared,”he admitted,notbotheringtodenyorhideit,feelingthattensionasanuncomfortable tingleinhisbody,liketheacidthatwasgnawingathisstomach. JonmoveduntilhewassittingbesideKai,pushingsomeofKai’shairoutofhis faceaffectionatelyandstaringdirectlyintohiseyes.“Braveryisdoingsomethingyou 290 needtodoevenwhenyou’reafraid,”Jonsaid.“You’rethebravestpersonIknow.I’m proudofyou,Kai.AndIadmireyousomuch.”JonpulledKaiintoahug.“Iloveyou.I neverstopped.AndIneverwill.OK?” Kainoddedenthusiasticallyagainsthisbrother’sneckastearsbegantoblurhis vision,squeezingJonbacktightly.“I’msosorryIhurtyou.Please...tellReI’msorry, too,andI’lltalktoherwhenI’moutofthehospital.” Jondidn’tletgo.“I’llpickherupthisafternoonandsitdownwithher.I’ll explainthesituationasbestIcanwithoutgivingtoomuchaway.Allright?” Kailetthesobbingtakehim,notfightingitthistime,clutchingJondesperately asifhewerehislifeline,gratefulforthesecurewayhisbrotherheldhimback. “You’llbeOK,”Jonsoothed.“You’llgetthroughthis.AndI’llcomevisityouas soonasIcan.Ipromise.”Jonpulledback,holdingKai’sshouldersandkissinghis forehead.“You’renotalone,Kai.Neverforgetthat.” EventhoughReneeknewJon,notKai,waspickingherup,shecouldn’thelpthehopeful flutterthansprangupinherchestwhenshesawablondheadabovetheseaoffaces.It feltcrushingasshewoveherwaythroughthedepartingpassengersandeagerfamily membersallstrugglingtocrowdintothelimitedspacetostayoutofthecold.Jonwas reclinedagainstthewall,hishandsshovedintothepocketsofhiswoolcoat,anddespite thefacialresemblance,otherwiselookingabsolutelynothinglikeKai,somuchitwasa shock.Shenoticedthebruiseonhischeek,whichlookedincrediblypainful,wondering ifJonwouldexplainitatsomepoint. Henoddedather,strugglingandfailingatafaintsmile,beforeturningand silentlyleadingheroutintothecoldparkinglot.ItbecameprettyobviousthatJon wasn’tgoingtoattempttospeakovertheharshwind,whichatethroughherjeansand nippedatherskin.Again,partofherhalfhopedtofindKaiwaitingfortheminthecar,a waveofdisappointmentwashingoverherwhentheywalkedthroughthehandicapped spotstowardthebackofthelot,whereJonhadparked. Again,withoutaword,Jonunlockedthecarandclimbedin,soshefollowed, sinkingintothepassengerseat,whichwaspushedasfarbackaspossible.Herheart achedassheadjustedit,realizingKaiwasprobablythelastonetositthere,andthough Jondidn’tseemlikehewasgoingtospeakanytimesoon,Reneecouldn’thelpsaying something. “WhathappenedtoKai?”JonhadonlysaidthatKaiwasinthehospital,and probablywouldbeforaweek,thatJonwouldpickherupandexplainaswellashe could.SoReneehadspentthelastdayworryingandwondering,stillpuzzlingoverthat finaltelephonecallandunabletoreconcilehermindandheart. Jonsighedashepulledoutoftheparkinglot.“Isyourroommatehomeyet?” Thenonsequiturcaughtheroffguard.“Uh,sheshouldn’tbehomeuntil tomorrow.” “Good,”Jonsaidwithanodashemaneuveredontothehighway.“We’lltalkat yourplace.” Afterseveralmoreminutespassed,ReneerealizedJonwasn’tgoingtosay anythingelse,sosheshiftedinherseatandforcedherselftofocusonthescenery,trying desperatelynottocry. “Coffee?”Reneeasked,gesturingwiththecarafe. Jonstaredatitforalongmomentashemechanicallystrippedoutofhiscoat 291 beforefinallynodding.Heseemedtired,distracted,buthewassostrikinglyunlikehis brotherinsomanywaysthatshecouldn’treadhim.Itwasawkwardanddisconcerting, becauseeverytimeshecaughthiminherperipheralvision,she’dexpecttoturnandsee goldenhairandbrightblueeyes,strongarmsleaningoncrutchesandalopsidedsmile. Instead,shesawafarlankier,narrowerframe,armsfoldedonhischest,grayeyes distantandwheatenhairstickingupatoddanglesfromwhereherepeatedlycardedhis fingersthroughit. “Howdoyoutakeit?Themilk’sspoiled,butIhavesomeCoffee-Mate.”Renee asked,andittookseveralrepetitionsbeforeJonfinallyresponded. “Uh,justblack,thankyou.”He’dgonebacktoleaningagainstthewall,pulling hisfingersthroughhishairoverandoverinwhatwasevidentlyanervoushabit. Reneehurriedlypreparedeachcup,addingcoffeebeforethemachinehadeven fullyfinished,dripshissingonthehotplate.“Let’ssit,”shesaid,offeringJonhismug. Henoddedandwalkedtowardthecouches,longstridesthattookhimthere quickly,thoughhehesitatedtosituntilReneehadcurledupinherfavoritespot,elbow supportedbythearmrestasshecradledhermuginherhands. Jongulpedthecoffee,seeminglyunperturbedbyhowhotitwas,finishingmost ofitinafewswallowsbeforesettingitasideandtakingaseatdiagonaltoher.“BeforeI begin,IwanttomakeitclearthatKaiaskedmetopickyouupandtotalktoyou,soIam doingthisasafavortohim.Thatsaid,I’monlygoingtotellyouenoughsothatyoucan understandwhatKai’sgoingthroughrightnow.Youcanaskmequestions,butIcan’t promiseI’llbeabletoanswerthem.”JonpausedonlylongenoughtoseethatReneewas listeningbeforecontinuing.“SomeofwhatIsay,andespeciallyinlightofthelastcall youhadwithKai,mightupsetyouormakeyouangry,butIaskthatyouletmefully explainbeforeyouletyouremotionstakeoverandstopyoufromlisteningtome.” ItfeltstrangetohearJonspeaksomuchafterthelongsilenceofthedrive.“All right,”shesaid,notsurewhatelsetosaytothat.Hergutwaschurning,andshefound shecouldn’treallystomachthecoffee,especiallywithoutmilk,soshemostlyhelditfor thewarmth,togivehersomethingtofocuson.Hermindcouldonlycomeupwiththe worstpossiblescenarios—afterall,Kaihadwarnedherhecouldgetverysickatanytime —thoughshetriedtotakeafewsteadyingbreathsandkeepherselfreceptivetowhatever Jonwasabouttotellher. Jonpushedhisfingersthroughhishairandsighed,asiftryingtoworkouthow tobegin.“YouknowourparentsdiedwhenKaiwassix,andyouknowhegrewupinan institution.” Reneenodded.“CountyHouse.IwentwithhimonHalloween.” Jonsmoothedhishairdown,speakingslowly.“AndyouknowKai;youknow hetriestoactlikenothingbothershim,likehedoesn’tfeelpain,physicaloremotional.” Reneerememberedtheafternoonwhenshe’dfinallyfoundoutaboutKai’s transplant,howincrediblydifficultithadbeenforhimtotalkaboutit.Shealso rememberedtheirHamletmovienight,howhehadobviouslybeeninalotofpainbut haddenieditvehemently,insistingitwasn’tabigdeal.Howmanytimeshetriedtotake backsomethinghe’dsaidorhidebypassingitoffasajoke,orbymakingfunofhimself. Overthepastfewweeks,he’dgottenbetteratbeingopenwithher,butthosebehaviors weresoingrained,itwouldtaketime.Timeshehadbeenwillingtogivehim. “Ican’tgointospecifics,butKaiwentthroughthingsasakidthat...”Jon seemedtobestrugglingtofindawaytoexplain,perhapswhilestillremainingvague.He sighedheavily,reachedforhismuganddownedtherestofhiscoffeeinonegulp.“Do 292 youknowwhatPTSDis?” Reneeblinked,partiallydistractedbyheringrainedmannerswantingtoaskif heneededarefill,butsheforcedherselftofocus.“Uh.Post-traumaticstressdisorder, right?Isn’tthatthethingthatlike,soldiersgetandstuff?” Jontracedhisfingeraroundthelipofhismug,focusingonitinsteadofher. “Yes.Sometimes,whensomeonegoesthroughatraumaticexperience,theysequester thememoriesandthefeelingsassociatedwithitsotheycansurvive.Butthismeansthe individualneveractuallydealtwithhisproblems.They’restillthere,insomewaysworse thanifthey’dbeentackledoriginally.”JonraisedhiseyestofinallymeetRenee’s,andit struckherthatasdifferentastheywerefromKai’sbrightblue,thepalegraywas disturbinglybeautiful,yetsad,likeadeadtreecoveredinfreshsnow.“Thinkofitlike cleaningyourroom,butinsteadofactuallytacklingthemess,yousimplystuff everythingintothecloset.Aslongasyouignorethecloset,youcanpretendyou’refine. Butifsomethingmakesthatdooropenevenacrack,suddenlyallthatcrapfallsonyou andcancompletely,totallyburyyou.” ReneehadbeensurprisedbyJon’sattempttouseananalogytoexplain;from thelittlecontactshe’dhadwithhim,andeverythingKaihadtoldherabouthim,she’d expectedsomekindofsciencerobotwhoforgotthatnoteveryoneknewmedical terminology.“Thanksforexplainingitlikethat,”shesaid,takingasipofhercoffee. “Thatmakessense.”Shetookadeepbreath.“Soareyousayingthat’swhat’swrongwith Kai?Hehadthisclosetandsomethingopeneditandhegotburied?” Jonnodded.“Kai’sbeenhavingmajoranxietyproblemsforthepastfew months,butitwasn’tsomethinghewasreadytotellyouabout.He...well,youknow Kai.Heworriedifyouknewaboutthat,you’dthinklessofhim.Maybeevennotwantto bewithhimanymore.” “Iwouldnever.That’snot—”Reneeinstantlystartedtodefendherself,butJon heldupahand,shakinghishead. “I’mjusttryingtogetyoutounderstandwhyhekeptitfromyou.” Reneesighed,sethermugasideandcurleduptighteronthecouch.She’d noticedKaioccasionallygottense,distracted,andhe’dbeenasurprisingmessabout theirmidterm,buthereallywasamazinglygoodathiding.Itmadeherangryatherself, thatshehadn’tpickedupmorethatsomethingwasbotheringhim,butthenshe rememberedhowgoodKaiwasatconcealingemotions.“Didhekeepitfromyou,too?” Jonnodded.“Atfirst,yes.Heprobablywouldhaveletitgoevenlongerif thingshadn’tworkedoutdifferently.Andeventhen,Ionlyfoundoutsomeofthedetails afewdaysago.Again,outofnecessity,morethananything.” “So...whatdoesthismean?Why...whyisheinthehospital?” Jonabsentmindedlytouchedhischeek. Renee’sthoughtsbegantorace,andshestrugglednottofreakout.Afterall, Jonhadwarnedherthatshemightgetupsetprematurely.SomeofKai’swordsfromhis lastphonecallsurfaced.“YouknowI’dneverhurtyouintentionally....It’ssaferifyou stayawayfromme.”“Hehityou?” Jon’sshouldersslumped,maybeinembarrassment,maybeindefeat,she couldn’ttell,becausehe’ddippedhisheadtomaskhisface.“Kaihasn’tbeenwellthe pastfewdays.Notentirelyhimself,”Jonsaid,lookingupwithawinceasifknowingthat wasanunderstatement,butunwillingtosaymore.“Hedecideditwasbestforeveryone ifhewentintothehospitalfortheweek.” “Buthedidhityou,”Reneerepeated,notmakingitaquestionthistime,unable 293 topreventtheshiveroffearcoursingthroughherbody.She’dtrustedKai,despitehow stronghewas,howmuchlargerhewasthanher,andalittlevoiceinherheadcouldn’t helpscreamingthathecouldhavehurthertheothernight.JustlikeJude.Whatifhe had? JonseemedtoseetheemotionsclearlyonRenee’sface.“Iaskedyounottoget upset.”Buthesighedwearily.Hepulledhisfingersthroughhishairagain,overand over.“Kaicaresaboutyou,andthelastthinghewouldeverwanttodoisharmyouin anyway.Thatphonecall—it’spartiallymyfault;Ithoughthearingyourvoicewould helphim,andIpushedhimintoit—hejustwantedtoprotectyou.”Jonpulledatthe strandsofhair,clearlyfrustrated.Hehesitatedalongmoment,pushinghimselftohis feetandpacingrestlesslyinatightloopbetweenthecouchandcoffeetable,hishand constantlyinhishair,asifheweredebatingsomethinginternally. JustwhenReneewasaboutsaysomething,Jonstoppedsuddenly,lookedat herdirectly,hiseyessincere,thoughstilltroubled.Onefoottappedthefloor,asifhe wereimpatient,beforefinallysinkingbackdownintothecouch.Heletoutalongsigh throughpursedlips,lookedupattheceilingbeforefinallydecidingtospeakagain. “That’sallKaiwantedmetotellyou,but...I’mgoingtogoalittlebeyondthatbecause Ithinkit’ssomethingyoudeservetoknow,soyoucanmakeyourownmindupabout thewholesituation.” WhenReneerealizedJonwaswaitingforsomeresponsefromher,shenodded. “Thankyou,”shesaidinasmallvoice. Joninhaleddeeplythroughhisnose,lookingworried,asifhewere contemplatingchanginghismind.Afterseveralmoreuncomfortableminutes,he continued,“Kaihasbeenhavingalotofintrusivememories—thinkofthemlike particularlyvividnightmares,onlyhe’sawakewhentheyhappen.Andhehasn’talways beenabletodistinguishbetweenthoseandreality.”Jonwincedagain,andwhenhe lookedup,shesawinhiseyessomethingfamiliar,likehewasexpectingReneeto immediatelyrejectKaiafterthisrevelation.“Hehitmebecausehedidn’tknowitwas me.Hewasscaredandlostandhelashedoutreflexivelytotrytoprotecthimself....But that’swhyhedecidedtogointothehospital.Sohecangethimselfbackundercontrol, becausehespentmostofyesterdaynightterrifiedbythepossibilityofhurtingyou.” Reneefelttearswellingup,andshestruggledtoblinkthemaway.“Willhebe OK?”Shewantedtoask,“WillIeverbesafewithhim?,”butsheheldthatback. Jonnodded.“Intime,yes.He’salreadybeenintherapyforseveralmonths,but thisisn’tsomethingthatcanbefixedovernight,especiallysinceKai’sspentmostofthe lastsixteenyearssuppressinghisemotionsandmemories.” Despiteherworryandfear,Reneeasked,“WillIbeabletoseehim?” Jonshookhishead.“Whilehe’saninpatient?Probablynot.Andpartofthe reasonI’mhereistomakeyouunderstandthatifKaikeepshisdistancefromyoufora while,it’slargelybecausehedoesn’ttrusthimself,andthoughIknowhemissesyou,he doesn’twanttoriskhurtingyou.” Reneenoddedasafewtearsdottedhercheek.“Tellhimtojustgetbetterfor me,OK?AndthatIdon’tcareaboutanything.Ijustcareabouthim.AndImisshim, andIwanttoseehimassoonashe’sready.OK?” Jonsmiledfaintly,andwhenhedid,shecouldseemoreoftheresemblance. “Kaicaresaboutyou.MorethananyoneelsesinceI’veknownhimasanadult.Whatever happens,rememberthat,please?”Jon’sgrayeyeslookedparticularlysadforamoment ashelethiswordssinkin.“Youmaynotbelievethis,butyou’regoodforhim.Ihaven’t 294 seenhimhappythewayhe’sbeenlately...”Jonshookhishead.“Sincebeforeour parentsdied.I’mnottryingtopressureyou,becauseIknowthisisalottotakein,andI havenoideahowKai...Idon’tknowwhatthings’llbelikewhenhe’sdischarged.But hereallyneedsfriendsrightnow,peoplehecantrustwillbethereforhim.”Jondipped hisheadandjustbreathedforseveralminutes,asifheweretryingtocomposehimself. “Youhavemynumber,butI’llkeepyouuptodateifanythingchanges.”Jonpushedhis waytohisfeet.“Thankyouforthecoffee.” ReneestoodandwrappedherarmsaroundJoninaquick,gratefulhug. ThoughhewasequallytallasKai,hisbodyfeltentirelydifferent;softyetbony,notthe hard,leanmuscleshewasusedto.“Thankyoufortellingmeeverything,soI’mnot worryingorthinkinghewasbreakingupwithme,or...youknow,”shesaid,leavingout “feelingbetrayed.” Jonpattedherbackawkwardly,clearlyuncertainwhattodo,beforefinally steppingback.Hisfacetwitchedinanotherattemptatasmile,andhecardedhishair onemoretimebeforegrabbinghiscoatandheadingtothedoor. Beforehecouldpullitopentoleave,Reneerushedup,stoppinghim.Shetilted herheadtolookupathim,needingtomeethiseyessohecouldseethesincerityinhers. “Canyougivehimamessageforme?Whenyouseehim?” AsubtlefrownpulledatJon’slips,buthenodded. “Tellhim...”Reneesuckedinahugebreathasherheartandmindraced.“Tell himI’llwaitforhim.”TellhimIlovehim,shethought,buthelditback;itwasn’tthe kindofthingshewantedhimtohearsecondhand.“I’llwait.Aslongasheneeds.” ThedoorclosedwithafinalclickthatcausedacoldsweattobreakoutalloverKai’s body.Thenthelightsdimmed.Notpureblackness,butclose,definitelydarkerthanany otherhospitalroomhewasusedto.Thankfully,Dr.MillerhadinsistedKaionlybe restrainedifabsolutelynecessary,thoughhishandshadbeenslippedintothesepadded mittstokeephimfromhurtinghimself.Themittskepthishandsopenandseparatedhis fingers,takingawayhisabilitytogripanythingandanydexterityhemighthave,buthe couldstillusehishandstoshifthisbodyinthebed,soitdidn’tcompletelystriphis freedomofmovement. Hehadmanagedtopushhimselfontohisside,albeitratherawkwardly,since hecouldn’tgriphislegs,justkindofshovethemintoplacebypushingagainstthem.But heatleastmanagedtomoderatelycurlhislegsupandfacethedoor,whichdidn’tdo muchtoeasetheterror,butmadehimfeelalittlebetter. TheIVcathinhiswristhadbeenremovedandreplacedwithaCVCinhisneck, throughwhichaslow,steadydripofsomethingsedatingflowed.Enoughthatitkept himfromgoingfullpanicrightnow,despitethefactthateverythingabouthiscurrent situationwastriggeringhisphobias:thedark,thecloseddoor,beingseparatedfromhis wheelchair,beingalone....Thatwassomethingelsehehadn’texpected.Thepsych wardwasso,soquietcomparedtotherestofthehospital.Eerilyquiet.Perhapsthe roomsweresoundproofed.Whateverthecase,thequietmighthavebeenenoughtokeep Kaiawakeifitweren’tforthedrugs.Still,thedosagewasn’tenoughtoimmediately knockhimout,andhewonderedhowlonghe’dliethere,trembling,hisstomach knotting,tryingnottobeterrifiedandfailingdesperately. Inadditiontothecath,he’dalsogottenanasogastricfeedingtube,thesame kindhe’dkeptfeelingimaginarysensationsofthedaybefore,flashingbacktohis hospitalstaywhenhewasten,andhekeptwrinklinghisnoseasiftoproveitwasreally 295 thereandnotanotherhallucination.Itwasannoyingandunpleasant,butarequirement ofhisadmission,he’dbeeninformed,andpartofKaiwasgratefulforit,becauseit meanthewouldn’tbeforcedtoeat,atleastforafewdays.Theovernightfeeding,plus theIV,plusthefactthatevenKaididn’ttrusthimselfnottoloseitwasthereasonforthe mitts,whichwereawkwardanduncomfortablebutbetterthanfullrestraints.Theywere strappedsecurelytohiswrists,butnotlocked,andKaiknewifheweredesperate enough,hecouldprobablyusehisteethtoloosenthedoublelayerofVelcroandbelts enoughtopullahandout.Andtheywerepaddedonthepalmside,tominimizeany kindofblunt-forceinjuryhemightattempttodowiththem,butagain,Kaiknewifhe wereagitatedenough,lostinamemory,nothingshortoffullyrestraininghisupper bodycouldstophimfromhurtinghimselforsomeoneelse. Andthatterrifiedhim. Thedarkness,theisolation,thequietallweighedheavilyonKai,suffocating himashestruggledtotakeslow,evenbreaths,tofocusontheroughsheetsbeneath him,onthefabricofthemittsbeneathandbetweenhisfingers,onthesilence,allas waystokeephimselfgrounded,totrynottopanicorfindhimselfsuddenlyinthat horriblebathroom.AstearstrailedfromKai’seyes,hisheartthunderinginhischest,his bodytrembling,hewonderedifmaybehe’dmadeamistake. EndSeason2. 296 AppendixI:Faux-WikipediaEntry:FS FS FS,previouslyknownasFOXSyndromeorFailureofXcomponent,isacongenital geneticobstructivepulmonarydiseaseofwhichlittleisknown.Neitherthemechanism norgeneticsofthediseasearewellunderstood,andthereissomedebateinthescientific communityastowhetherFSshouldbeclassifiedasadiseaseseparatefromother pulmonaryconditionssuchasasthmaandcysticfibrosis. Symptoms&Signs TheprimarysymptomsofFSarereminiscentofsevere,brittleasthma,includingacute paroxysmsofwheezing,chestpainandcongestion,accompaniedbyacorresponding dropinforcedexpiratoryvolumeinonesecond(FEV1),usuallytheresultof environmentaltriggerssuchasallergens,ozone,cigarettesmoke,andcoldair.However, unlikemostasthmatics,FSpatientssufferfromgreaterperfusiondiscrepancies,often sufferingfromsignificantdropsinoxygensaturation(SaO2)notnormallyseenin traditionalasthma;infact,itisnotuncommonforFSpatientstohaveabnormallylow (>90%)SaO2evenoutsideanexacerbation.Asaresult,clubbingdeformitiesofthe fingersarecommonlyseeninFSpatients,asigntypicalofthosewithcysticfibrosis,but notasthma. ClubbingofFingers 297 Althoughpsychologicalandphysicalstresshasbeendiscoverednottoplayarolein asthmaattacks,theslightlydifferentmechanismofFSattackssuggestthatstressmay affectexacerbationsofthedisease,lendingcredencetothehormonalmechanismof diseasetheory(seebelow). FSpatientsalsooftenexhibitexcessmucusproductionintheairways.Althoughthe mechanismforthisisnotrelatedtoCF,theresultingsymptomsandsequlaearesimilar. Theseincludeexcesscoughing,severechestcongestionanddifficultyclearing secretions,andincreasedsusceptibilitytopneumoniaandfibrosis. Airwaysnarrowedbyinflammationandexcessmucusincreasetheworkofbreathing,so thatmanypatientsmustuseaccessorymusclestobreathe,andinadvanceddiseasewith theadditionoffibrosis,maysufferfromfatigueoftheirrespiratorymusclessothat mechanicalsupportmaybenecessary.Additionally,theseeffects(narrowedairwaysand musclefatigue)sometimesleadtoaphoniaordysphoniainsomepatients,particularly inchildhood. Somepatientsalsoseemtoexhibitcertainhematologicalabnormalitiesthatmayaffect bothoxygensaturationcapacityandimmunefunction,althoughitisn'tyetclearifthese abnormalitiesarecomorbidconditionsorsymptomsofFSitself. MechanismofDisease TheexactmechanismofFSisunknown,althoughseveraltheoriesexist.Onesuggestsan autoimmunemodel,inwhichdysfunctionofthepatient'sownimmunesystemisthe causeofsymptoms.However,limitedstudiessuggestthatevenwith immunosuppression,symptomsaren'tentirelyresolved,sothatitmaybepossible immunologicalproblemsareonlypartiallyresponsibleforsymptoms. Thesecondtheoryishormonal,suggestingthatsomeerrantfeedbackloopinthebody's inflammatoryresponse(perhapscombinedwithaheightenedsensitivityto inflammatorymediatorssuchashistamine)mightberesponsiblefortheasthma-like attacksaswellastheexcessmucusproduction,althoughresearchinthisareaisstillin theearlystages. Diagnosis Mostpatientspresentwithsymptomsofrespiratorydistressorrecurrentpneumoniain infancyorearlychildhood,withmostpatientsdiagnosedaseithersevere,brittle asthmaticsoroccasionally,withcysticfibrosis. Becauseofthecomplicatednatureofthediseaseandthemysterybehinditsmechanism, diagnosisofFSischallenging,anditisbelievedtobevastlyunder-diagnosed,withmany asthmatics—particularlythoseexhibitinguncharacteristicfibrosis—likelybeing misdiagnosedFSpatients. 298 Athoroughhistory,combinedwithpulmonaryfunctiontestsandbloodsaturation, alongwithlungbiopsyandsputumanalysisarethebestmeansofarrivingatadiagnosis ofFS,especiallyifcysticfibrosisandasthmacanberuledout. Thephysicianwhoisfacedwithintractableasthma,particularlywhenassociatedwith signsofchronichypoxia(suchasroutinelylowoxygensaturationandclubbing)and recurrentpneumonia,mayconsideradiagnosisofFS. Treatment CurrenttreatmentforFSissimilartothatofasthmaandCF.Mostpatientsrespond decentlytotraditionalasthmamedications,includingoralandinhaledcorticosteroids, andshort-andlong-termactingbeta2-adrenoceptoragonists,anticholinergicagents, deliveredviainhaler(metered-doseordry-powder)ornebulizer.Theophyllinehasalso showntobeeffectiveinsomepatients. FSpatientsshouldmonitortheirpeakflowregularly,aschangescansignalanupcoming attack.Inaddition,manypatientsmaybenefitfromaportablepulseoximetertobealert toanysignsofoxygensaturationchanges,evenbeforesymptomspresent. Additionally,Amphigarol,thefirstmedicationapprovedbytheFDAtotreatFS,can ameliorateexcessmucusproductionandhelpminimizeopportunisticpulmonary infection.Somepatients,particularlythosewithmusclefatigue,maybenefitfromcough assistance,eitherviamanualpercussionormachinetoaidinlooseningandexpelling secretions. Oxygen,deliveredviamaskorcannulae(orviatranstrachaeldistributioninmore advanceddisease),mayalsobehelpfulineasingdyspneaanddiscomfortandresolving cyanosis. Inlaterstagesofthediseaseinwhichextensivefibrosishasleadtosignificantlung dysfunction,andincasesofmusclefatigue,ventilatorysupportvianoninvasive(biPAP) orinvasive(endotrachealintubation)mechanicalventilationmaybeneededinthe short-orlong-term.However,becauseofthepropensityforexcessmucusproduction, intubatedpatientsmustbecarefullymanagedandsuctionedfrequentlytoprevent mucusaccumulationandplugs. Itisstillunclearwhetherlungtransplantation(eitherasingleordouble-lung transplant)canbebeneficialinthelong-termforFSpatients,asfewpatientshave undergonesuccessfultransplantation. Prognosis BecauseFSpatientsaresusceptibletorecurrentpneumoniaaswellasfibrosis,in additiontochronicallylowSaO2,lifespanformostisshort,withmanypatients 299 succumbingintheirlateteenstotwenties.Deathresultsfromasphyxiationasaresultof anacuteattack,sepsisduetoinfection,organfailureduetoinsufficientperfusion, respiratoryfailureduetobronchiolitisobliterans,orsecondaryheartfailureasaresult ofpulmonaryinsufficiency. Patientsmayexperiencesecondaryeffectsduetooxygendeprivation,suchasbrainand organdamage,especiallyifnottreatedappropriately. Dr.JonTaylor AlongwithDrs.BenjaminJohnsenandDavidMacDonald,Dr.JonTaylorisresponsible foridentifyingFSasadistinctconditioninthemid-90swhilestillafellow.Today,he runstheJonesvilleMemorialFSClinicandResearchCenterinJonesville,IA,which focusesontheresearchandtreatmentofthedisease.In2008,partiallydueto additionalgrants,theclinicwasabletoopenitsownbuildingwithdedicatedlabsand examroomstoexpanditsresearchandtreatmentofpatientswithFS. Dr.Taylorandhisstaffwilldiagnoseandworkupatreatmentplanforanypatientwho walksthroughtheclinicdoors,regardlessoftheirabilitytopay. 300 AppendixII:Faux-WikipediaEntry:MLS MLS MLS,previouslyknownas“MuscularLatencySyndrome,”isacongenital,genetic, progressiveneuromusculardisease.Althoughthemechanismofdiseaseiswell understood(dysfunctionofacetylcholinesteraseattheneuromuscularjunction,see below),thegeneticsarenot.MLStendstoaffectmalesmorethanfemales,soitislikely sex-linked,butscientistshaven'tyetidentifiedtheexactgenesinvolved,andsuspectitis probablyduetomultiplegeneticfactors. Symptoms&Signs Thediseaseusuallypresentsinearlychildhood,althoughduetoitsrarity,itisoften misdiagnosed,orgoesundiagnoseduntillaterchildhood,asearlysymptomscanoften bemistakenfor"growingpains."Childrenexperiencemusclepainandcramping, usuallybeginninginthelowerlimbsandworkingupwardovertime.Painisoften accompaniedbymuscleweakness,andultimatelyparalysis.Althoughearlyinthecourse ofthediseasereflexesmaybeintact,overtimereflexesdiminishandultimately disappearintheaffectedareas. Mostchildrenneedsomekindoforthoticorotherwalkingaidearlyinlife,withthe majorityusingwheelchairsbytheirlateteenstomid-twenties. InstageIofthedisease,onlytheskeletalmusclesareaffected,usuallybeginningwith thefeet,progressingupwardtotheankles,calves,thighs,hips,andthenarmsinadistal fashion.Progressionisnotperfectlysymmetrical.Patientsexperienceparoxysms,often precipitatedorexacerbatedbyemotionalorphysiologicalstress,inwhichthey experienceasynchronous,asymmetricalfasciculations(musclespasms),often accompaniedbymyotonia(delayedrelaxationofthemuscleduetooverstimulation). Occasionally,spasmscanbesevere(andviolent)enoughastobeconsideredtetantic. Especiallyintheearlystagesofthedisease,attacksareoftenfollowedbyextended periodsofextrememuscleweaknessandhypotonia.Repeatedoverstimulationofthe neuromuscularjunctionresultsindecreasedsensitivitytoacetylcholine,ultimately leadingtoparalysisoftheaffectedmuscles. InstageIIofthedisease,smoothmuscleandcardiacmuscle(aswellasthediaphragm) areaffected,resultingincardiac(bradycardia),circulatory(hypotension),and respiratorydysfunction(bronchoconstrictionandincreasemucosalsecretions),in additiontoGIdisturbancesandincontinence.AsinstageI,thediseaseisprogressive, withsomepatientslosingfunctionmorequicklythanothers.Onceapatiententersstage II,lifespanisusuallynomorethanfiveyears,withmostdyingofrespiratoryorcardiac failure. 301 MechanismofDisease ThesymptomsofMLSarecausedbyadefectinacetycholinesterase,theenzyme responsibleforbreakingdownacetylcholine,theprimaryneurotransmitterinvolvedin musclecontraction. Innormalmusclecontraction,anerveimpulseresultsinthereleaseofacetylcholine, whichstimulatesthemuscletocontract.Acetylcholinesteraseisthenreleasedtorapidly (andefficiently)metabolizeacetylcholineinordertoterminatethecontraction. However,duetothedysfunctionofacetylcholinenesteraseintheneuromuscular junctionofMLSpatients,acetylcholineisnotbrokendownefficiently,causingittobuild up,resultinginoverstimulationofthemuscle. Althoughacetylcholineisfoundinthecentralnervoussystem,itisunaffectedinMLS,as thedefectisonlyintheneuromuscularjunctionsandacetylcholinedoesnotpassthe blood-brainbarrier.ThisdistinguishesMLSfromotheracetylcholinesterase-deficiency syndromesorneurotoxinpoisoningsuchasorganophosphatepoisoning. HowthediseaseprogressesfromstageItostageIIisnotfullyunderstood,butitis theorizedthatitmayhavetodowithadecreaseinqualityofacetylcholinesteraseover time,perhapsduetosecondaryfactorsaffectingacetylcholinesteraseproduction. Insomeveryrarecases,patientsactuallyproduceandreleasemoreacetylcholinethan normal,exacerbatingsymptoms,andleadingtoseepageofacetylcholineintotheblood stream.Inthesepatients,excessacetylcholinecanreachareasofthebodynormally unaffectedbythedisease(atthecurrentstage),suchasthebloodvessels,heart, diaphragm,andGI.Thesepatientsthusdon’tpresentaspurestage-Iorstage-II patients,butratherasahybridofthetwoduringsevereexacerbations.Althoughwith currentenzymetreatmentsthisformofthediseaseismoreeasilymanaged,itis consideredamoreseverepresentationthantraditionaldual-stageMLS. Diagnosis Beforetherealizationthatacetylcholinesterasedeficiencywasthemechanismofdisease, diagnosisofMLSwastricky,withmanypatientsbeingmisdiagnosedashavingcerebral palsyorsimplymusculardystrophyofunknownetiology.Diagnosiswasoftenoneof elimination,afterotherdisordershadbeenruledout. Today,asimplebloodtestforacetycholine(alongwithhistory)isoftenenoughtomake adiagnosisofMLS. Treatment Until2006,treatmentwaslargelydevotedtomaximizingfunctionandminimizingpain throughphysicaltherapyandvariousmusclerelaxants(includingValium,Pavulon, 302 Mexitil,andDantrolene).Today,however,patientshaveaccesstoenzyme-replacement therapy,whichhasrevolutionizedtreatmentofthedisease. Muchlikeinsulinfordiabetics,MLSpatientscandosethemselveswithreplacement acetycholinesterase,decreasingbloodandlocalacetylcholinelevels,andminimizing symptoms.Earlystudiesindicatethatchildrenwhoarediagnosedearlyandwhobegin rigoroustreatmentwithenzymereplacementcanminimizesymptomsenoughastolead nearlynormallives.Sofar,earlyevidenceindicatesthatenzymereplacementcanvastly extendthelifespansofthosewiththedisease,sincestageIIonsetisgreatlydelayedand evenpossiblydivertedinsomepatients. However,accesstoenzymetherapyislimitedduetotheinherentinstabilityofthe enzymeanddifficultyinproducingitenmasse,meaningmanyMLSpatientsmustsuffer withoutituntiladvancescanbedevelopedinitsproduction,distribution,andcost. Manypatients,especiallythosesufferingfromtherarervariantinwhichexcess acetylcholineisproduced,canbenefitfromalow-cholinediet,whichminimizesthe body’sabilitytosynthesizeacetylcholine.However,acetylcholineisessentialforproper nervefunction(andcholineisanessentialnutrient),andthuscannotbecompletely eliminatedfromthediet.Likewise,duetotheeffectssevereshiftsofacetylcholinecan cause,dosageofenzymetherapymustbecarefullymonitoredandadjustedtoprevent untowardsideeffects. Dr.IraSchwartz ConsideredoneoftheforemostexpertsonMLSintheworld,hefoundedaresearchand treatmentclinicinManhattanin1980,devotedtoresearchingnewtreatmentsforthe diseaseaswellastrainingnursesandtherapiststoamelioratethelivesofthoseafflicted bythedisease.Largelyduetoasignificantinfluxofprivatefundingin2005,Dr. Schwartzwasabletodevelopanenzyme-replacementtherapy,thefirsttruetreatment forMLS.Hecurrentlyhasexpandedhisclinictobothincreasetheamountofresearch aswellasnumberofpatientsunderhiscare,andiscurrentlyworkingonanimproved enzymetreatment.Inaddition,hisresearchersarecurrentlyexploringthepossible geneticoriginsofthediseaseinthehopesofonedayfindingacure. 303 AppendixIII:OnWritingASL You’llseealotofASLinIn/Exhale,especiallyinSeason2.BecauseASLisavisual language(withnostandardwrittenform),ithastoberepresentedinEnglishinsome way.Ofcourse,youcanneverfullyrepresentASLinwrittenwords,butItrymybestto conveythisbeautifullanguageasbestasIcan. You’llseemedosoinseveralways: 1-Descriptionsofsigns.Thishappensoccasionallywhenwe’reinthePOVofa characterwhodoesn’tknowASL,andI’mdescribingwhatthey’reseeingastheywatch thesigns.Sometimes,they’llbeabletoclearlyseeindividualsigns,othertimes,notso much.I’llalsousethisoccasionallywhenI’minacharacter’sPOVwhodoesknowASL tohelpthereaderappreciatemorewhatthesignslooklike. Example:“Drawthedrapes,”Kaisaidashesigned,makinganoutlineof curtainsintheairwithhisspreadfingers,bringingthemout,thendown. Next,heheldhishandsup,flat,palmsout,bringingthemtogethersohis thumbstouched. 2-Descriptionsofbodylanguage/facialexpression.ASLisavisuallanguage, andalotofitsgrammarandmeaningcomesfrombodylanguageandfacialexpression (thesearecalledNon-manualSignals,orNMS).Forexample,eyebrowpositioncantell youifyou’reaskinganopen-endedquestion,ayes/noquestion,orthetopicofa sentence.Bodypositioncanindicateyou’reaskingaquestion,you’resaying“and,”and more.Negatingasentenceorsigncanbeassimpleassigningwhileshakingyourhead. Expressingamodifier(asin,somethingis“really”or“very”)canbedonethroughfacial expressionsandthewayyousignaparticularword.I’lldomybesttoconveythis informationinthedescriptionsfromtimetotime(especiallywhenimportant),butyou mightalsoseemeuseboldtoindicateamodifierwhenwritinginEnglish,oran exclamationpointafteraglossedwordtoillustratethesamepoint. Example:“MANVERY-TALL,WHEELCHAIR,HAIRYELLOW!,EYESBLUE!”or“I reallywanttolearn,”Reneesigned,doingherbesttoputheremphasison the‘want’toshowhowmuchshewantedtolearn. 3—English.Thisiswhatyou’llseemost,especiallyforlongerconversations,because it’sjusteasierforthereader.IrecognizethatEnglishisadenserlanguage(intermsof itslexicon)thanASL.IalsorecognizethatsomewordsinEnglisharethesame,yetare representedbydifferentsignsinASLdependingonmeaning/context(like“love”and “like,”forexample).However,I’mnotgoingtostresstoobadlyoverthingslike“thereis nosignfor___”-becauseasinglesigncanhavealotofequivalentmeaningsinEnglish, 304 somesignsaremodifiedwithintentormouthmorphemes(howyoumoveyourmouth) togiveshadesofmeaning(ex:thesignforneed,must,andshouldisthesamedepending onhowyousignitandwhatyourmouthdoeswhenyoudo),andsomewordsare fingerspelled(ordescribed/explainedwithgestures)ifnosignexists.IfIfeellike pointingoutthedifferencesbetweenEnglishandASLareimportant,Iwill,butkeep thatinmind.ASL,becauseitisanotherlanguage,willalwaysberepresented initalics. Example:“Idon’tknow.Maybesomeday,”Kaisigned. Icouldhaveeasilyglossedthat,too,butreadingalotofglossingcanbecumbersome, especiallyifyou’renotfamiliarwithASL,soItrytolimitwhenIusethat. 4-VisualdescriptionsofASLstorytelling.Alongtheselines,I’lltrytoconveythe visualnatureofASLasmuchaspossible.PartofwhatmakeswritingASLinEnglishso difficultisalotofinformationisportrayedinASLinawaythatyoucan’tfullyconveyin English.I’lldomybesttotrytomakethiscomethroughinthetextwheneverpossible, togiveyouabettersenseofwhataparticularconversationwouldlooklike. Example:“Besides,Meganhasathingforstrays,soyouwon’tbetheonly onetherebesidesus.”HeindicatedMegan’saffinityforthosewithout familiestospendtheholidaywithbyfirstsigningMYHOUSE,thenusinga classifierfora“person”(thehandshapefor“D,”indexfingerstandingup) withhislefthand,movingitaroundinfrontofhiminasemicircle,whilehe usedhisrighthandto“pluck”theminthesignforpick/findtowardthespace wherehe’ddrawnhishouseearlier,asifshewereliterallypluckingstraysup andputtingthemintheirhouse. 5-Glossing.ItispossibletowriteASL—kindof.It’scalled“glossing.”Youuseacapital Englishwordtorepresentthesign.IfthesignencompassesmorethanoneEnglish word,youhyphenate,likeDON’T-KNOWorDON’T-WANTorCLOSE-DOOR.Intrue glossing,youhavealineabovethewordsthatwillindicateNMS. Example:TheEnglishsentence"Idon'tunderstand"couldbeglossedthisway: _____________N UNDERSTAND. Wherethe"N"abovemeansyounegatethesentencebyshakingyourheadand frowning. Thisisasimplification.Trueglossingcangetverycomplicated. Because,asImentionedabove,glossingcanhurtreadability(andstilldoesn’t 305 fullycapturethevisualnatureofASL),Idon’twanttouseittoomuch.Forexample, ASLusesaverydifferentwordorderthanEnglish;thetopicusuallycomesfirst, adjectivesusuallyfollowthenoun,andquestionwordsareattheend,ratherthanthe beginning,ofmostsentences.Additionally,conceptslike“because”areusuallyframed inrhetoricalquestions,sotheEnglishsentence“I’mgoingtothestorebecauseIneeded milk”mightbesaidinASLlike,“STOREIGOWHY?NEEDMILK.” Also,intrueglossing,youindicateafingerspelledwordwiththeprefix“fs,”so: “fs-MUTE”wouldmeanthatthewordwasspelledout.I’mgoingtosticktothemore Englishyconventionofeithersayinginthetagthatawordorwordswerefingerspelled, orwritethemlikethis:“M-U-T-E”asIthinkthat’smorereadilyunderstandableby morereaders. Also,keepinmindthatsomewordsarefingerspelledinsteadofsignedfor emphasis.I’lltrytomakeanoteofthiswheneverithappensinthetext. Additionally,I'mnotanexpertonglossing,andtrueglossingisimpossibleto formatontheblog.Mostly,I’lluseglossingifIwanttobeclearwhatversionofasigna characterused(likeLEAVEversusABANDON),orifIwanttoemphasizethe grammaticalstructureofanASLsentenceasopposedtoitsEnglishcounterpart. Example:“IfIwantedtoaskyouyourname,I’ddoitlikethis:YOUNAME WHAT?” SomeASLresources: SigningSavvy http://www.signingsavvy.com/ LifePrint.com http://lifeprint.com/ ASLPro http://aslpro.com/ DeafVideoTV(Deafievloggers,includingvideocomments,allinASL) http://deafvideo.tv/ 306 AppendixIV:ABriefNoteOnDeafCulture IamnotgoingtotrytodojusticetothecomplexityofDeafcultureandtheDeaf communityinonlyafewsentences,butIwantedtosayafewthingsforclarification purposes. Oneoftheaspectsyou’lldiscoverinIn/Exhaleisthesometimescultureclashbetween theDeafandhearingcommunities. Atthispointinthestory,Ihaven’tdiscussedterminologydirectly,soI’lltakea quickmomenttodiscussthedifferencebetween"deaf"and"Deaf."Theformerrefersto aninabilitytohear,whereasthelatterreferstoculture.Someonecanbedeafbutnot Deaf,andKaiwasraisedculturallyDeafdespitehisabilitytohear. Tosimplify,"Deaf"usuallyreferstopeoplewhouseASLastheirprimary languageandisassociatedwithitsownculturalnormsthatmaybeverydifferentfrom thoseofthesurroundinghearingcommunity. SomeDeafCultureresources: DeafinAmerica:VoicesfromaCulture(Padden,Humphries) DeafPeople:EvolvingPerspectivesfromPsychology,Education,andSociology (Andrews,Leigh,Weiner) ForHearingPeopleOnly:AnswerstoSomeoftheMostCommonlyAskedQuestions abouttheDeafCommunity,ItsCulture,andthe“DeafReality”(Moore) TrainGoSorry:InsideADeafWorld(Cohen) *Ofcourse,thebestwaytolearnaboutDeafcultureistogointotheDeafcommunity andlearnfirst-hand! 307 AppendixV:ABriefNoteontheUSFosterCare System I’vehadafewpeopleaskmeabouthowaccuratetheportrayaloftheUSfostercare systemisinIn/Exhale.Likemostthingsinthestory,Idomybesttouseafoundationof realityandthentakethestoryfromthere. OneofthequestionsI’vebeenaskedrelatestoKaibeingseparatedfromhis siblings,aplotpointintegraltothestory.Firstly,onemusttakeintoaccountthatKai wasinthesysteminthe‘80sand‘90s,twentytothirtyyearsago,andthingshave changedsincethen.Foronething,mostprogramsdomakeaconcertedefforttokeep siblingstogether,evenifoneofthosesiblingshasadisability.Themodernsystemhas alsoincreasinglymovedawayfromorphanages,grouphomes,andinstitutionstoward morefamily-orientedsettings.Still,itwasn’tuncommoninthepastforchildrenwith disabilitiestoberelegatedtoinstitutionslikeCountyHouse.Ifyou'recuriousabout whatlifewaslikeinaninstitutionfordisabledkids,youshouldreadSmartAssCripple (http://smartasscripple.blogspot.com/).Theauthorgrewupinahomefordisabled childrenandhispostsarehilarious. Kai’sexperiencewithabuseisalsobased/inspiredbyfact.Figuresstatethatat least10%ofchildreninthefostercaresystemareabused,thoughit'slikelyactual numbersaremuchhigherthanthat,especiallyforchildrenwithdisabilities.Infact, childrenwithdisabilitiesinthesystemare2xmorelikelytobeabusedthanable-bodied children,andarealso1.5xmorelikelytobeseriouslyharmedbythatabuse.They’realso justaslikelytosuffersustainedabusegreaterthantwoyears.Infact,insomestates,a childwithadisabilityhasuptoa10xgreaterchanceofbeingabusedrepeatedly(by morethanoneperson!)thananable-bodiedchild. Thinkaboutthatforaminute. Whysuchhighratesofabuse?Manyfactorsplayin,thoughonesadfactis somefosterparentsmilkthesystem.Moststatesofferahigherstipendforcaringfor childrenwithdisabilities,plusstateandfederalbenefits(suchassocialsecurity)that unscrupulouspeoplecantakeadvantageof. Additionally,thesadtruthisthatonceachildpassestheageofsix—six!—the ageKaiwaswhenheenteredthesystem—theirchanceofadoptiondropsdrastically. Mostchildrenspendatleasttwoyearsinfostercare;many,theirentirechildhood(like KaiandDavid).Childrenwithdisabilitieshaveevenfeweropportunitiesforadoption. Therealityisthatmanyadoptiveparentswantinfants,notchildrenwhoalready potentiallyhaveproblems. Aswithanything,therearealwaysexceptions.Plentyoffosterparentsare loving,caringpeople,andnotalllookingtoadoptdiscountolderchildren.But,like everythinginIn/Exhale,Iliketotakeelementsoftruthandweavethemintothestory, evenifoverallit’safictionalexperience. Lastly,Iwantedtoaddresstheissueofagingout.InIn/Exhale,animportant partofKai,Jon,andDavid’sbackstoriessurroundsgraduatingoutofthefostersystem. InSeason3,you’lllearnmoreabouthowDaviddealtwithbeingsuddenlyonhisown whilestillinhighschool,butit’swellestablishedthatifJonhadnotcomeforKai,he wouldhavebeeninserioustrouble.Agingoutmeansachildisnolongerthestate’s concern,andthesechildrenarekickedoutofhomes,oftenwithnojob,noplacetolive, 308 oranykindofhealthcare. ThesadfactisthatelementofIn/Exhaleis100%inspiredbyreality.According tostatistics,51%ofchildrenwhoageoutareunemployed.Sixty-fivepercentageout withoutanywheretolive,andinsomeareasasmuchas40%ofthoselivinginhomeless sheltersareformerfosterchildren.Additionally,themajorityofchildrenwith disabilitiesgraduatethesystemwithoutanyaccesstoservicesorhealthcare. Infact,thecharityOneSimpleWishwasfoundedtohelpchildrentransition fromfostercaretoadulthoodbyprovidingsupportservices,mentoring,andmore.You cancheckouttheirprogramsontheirwebsite,http://onesimplewish.org. Soyes,IhavetakensomelibertieswithIn/Exhale,butingeneral,Kai’sand David’sexperiencesareinspiredbyfact. AfewresourcesontheUSfostercaresystemandabuse: https://www.childwelfare.gov/can/statistics/stat_outOfHome.cfm http://www.childrensrights.org/wpcontent/uploads/2008/06/forgotten_children_children_with_disabilities_in_foster_care_2006.pdf 309 AppendixVI:JonesvilleMemorialHospitalFloor Guide Thisguideistogiveyouaroughideaofwhereyou’llfindwhatinthemainbuildingof JMH,incaseyou’rethatkindofdetail-orientedperson. ——————-15——————— Administration ——————-14——————— PsychiatricUnit ——————-13——————— SecondaryCafeteria Chapel ——————-12——————— Oncology ——————-11——————— OperatingRooms(OR) Recovery SurgicalICU(SICU) ——————-10——————— IntermediateCareUnit(akaStep-DownUnit,SDU) ———————9———————Medicine(Outpatient) ———————8———————Medicine(Inpatient) ———————7——————— Cardiology CardiacCareUnit(CCU) ———————6——————— Pulmonology RespiratoryCareUnit(RCU) ———————5——————MedicineICU Neurology 310 ———————4——————Maternity Nursery NeonatalICU(NICU) ———————3——————Pediatrics PediatricIntensiveCareUnit(PICU) ———————2——————MainCafeteria Long-termCareUnit(LTCU) RehabilitationInpatientUnit ———————1——————Lobby-Giftshop-Pharmacy-Starbucks EmergencyRoom(ER) Radiology OutpatientServices RehabilitationCenter(separatebuilding) ——————-B1—————— Pathology Morgue ——————-B2—————— Records ——————-B3—————— Utilities 311 OtherTitlesbyChieAlemán In/Exhale:SeasonOne UnConventional 312 AboutTheAuthor ChieAlemánhaslivedallovertheUS,thoughinmanyways,NewOrleanswillalwaysbe home.Herworkexploresthemesoffamily,personalresponsibility,andidentity,often pullingfromherculturalbackgroundasthedaughterofCubanimmigrants.Sheis particularlydrawntoportrayinguniquecharacters,who,despitetheirdiseaseor disability,arestillinterestingandsympatheticindividualsdeservingoflovelikeanyone else.ShecurrentlyresidesinHoustonwithherhusbandandfourcrazyChihuahuas. YoucanfollowheronTwitter@ChieAlemanorcheckoutherblog, http://chiealeman.com 313