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Side by Side: Counseling Abusive Marriages- Darby Strickland, M. Div
ABUSIVE MARRIAGES:
PROVIDING COUNSELING AND CARE
Darby Strickland, M.Div.
Exodus 7:16
Let my people go, that they may serve me
Denise and Dan
Conflicting Realities
1
Prevalence
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25 % of marriages are abusive1
1 in 4 women report being in an abusive relationship.2
24% of women & 13 % of men report experiencing severe
physical violence from an intimate partner. 2
Every 9 seconds a women is assaulted or beaten3
50 % of men who assault their wives frequently assault their
children. 2
Forced Sex or Sexual Assault occurs in 40-45% of battering
relationships.4
Mothers in abusive relationships said that their children
witnessed 20% of the sexual violence the mother experienced.5
18% IPSV said their child witnessed their rape at least once.5
Abuse rates are the same in the church
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In a church of 400
160 adult women & 20 teenage girls
40 would experience Physical Violence in their life
20 would be currently experiencing Physical Abuse
4-5 teenage girls would be experiencing Dating Violence
Factor in emotional/verbal now have 80 women suffering
60 men would have assaulted their partner
200 would have witnessed abuse in home or spouses home
Will likely have ACTIVE ABUSERS
30% of American say they know someone who has been
physically abused by husband/boyfriend in the last year.

Stats taken from Holcomb and Holcomb Is It My Fault?
2
Oppression
Gives us a Biblical category in which to organize our
thoughts and places in Scripture to turn to.
It allows us slow down and detail what is happening.
Highlights the harsh domination that is involved- as it
captures well the idea that someone is subject to
another’s harsh control.
All Marriages are Comprised of 2 Sinners
Two idolatrous sinners
How well we live out Jesus' two
great commandments. Matt. 12: 30-31 Shows us the state
of our depravity, our heart and reveals our idols
Two idolatrous sinners plus one sin pattern that
creates additional suffering for the couple.
Two idolatrous sinners but one’s sin pattern leads
them to seek to control and dominate the other.
3
Oppressive People Insist That
1. Their rules are kept.
2. They are due glory and honor.
3. People exist for them- my needs and desires need
to be met by others.
They demand to be worshiped
Enforced Worship
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I have a right to the things I want, and I will punish
whoever stands in the way of my desires.”
“Serve me or suffer the consequences.”
In oppressive marriages, punishment is the ruling force.
Punishments are perpetually utilized
to keep control.
4
We all have punishing behaviors.
Yes even
me and you.
When does the punishment or punishments
become so severe to call it abuse?
When
is a
spanking
too
hard?
No crying crying stinging skin
Bruising Welts Bleeding
5
Caution and Wisdom Needed
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There is not always definite
criteria which allow us to
instantly recognize a potential
abuse.
We need to be wise- ask the
right questions and discover
how the punishment cycle
functions in the marriage.
Abuse is not a one-off
incident, but use of systematic
methods (punishments) for
maintaining power and
control within a relationship.
Punishments
are not
always
physicalThey are
used to
Rule over
others
6
We are looking for a pattern
Relate to Others
1.
Entitled
2.
Dominate
3.
Threaten
Oppressive people
enslave othersEnslavement
is the anti-love
Self Deceptions
1.
Blind
2.
Lack Remorse
3.
Blame-shift
Oppressive people are
self justifying
Self-righteousness
“I have no need of Jesus”
Enslavement
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Fear of the Lord becomes replaced with fear of their
spouse. One partner working hard to keep another from
being angry and punishing.
Harsh or cruel forms of perpetual domination for their own
gain.
To rule over others they use a
domination that causes another
physical, spiritual, or emotional pain
and injuries.
Deliver me from the oppression of man:
so will I keep your precepts. Ps. 119:34
7
anxiety, self-doubt, migraines, withdrawing from church and people
People will judge what they see.
Who are people going to
empathize with?
How we might contribute to missing it.
Silence them:
Focus on your own sin.
Do not speak poorly of spouse or
without him present?
Comparing our marriages to theirs.
Minimize their cries for help.
Blame them:
How did you provoke that?
Simplistic focus on submission.
Challenge them when they flee danger.
8
Discovering Abuse
1. Do you have the freedom to be yourself,
make decisions, give your input and say
no to things?
2. Do you ever feel fearful around your partner?
3. Have you ever been threatened or
physically hurt in this relationship?
4. Have you ever been an unwilling participant
in a sexual act?
How and What to Ask- SAFE Questions JAMA1993;269
Ask for Concrete Examples
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Ask the Oppressed
Are you afraid to disagree?
What happens when you try to share a
differing opinion?
Does your spouse ever ignore you? If so,
for how long and when?
How can you tell when your spouse is
angry? Be specific. What does it look
like? What is said? Done?
When you are talking about hard things
what are some ways disagreement is
expressed? (Mocking, walking away,
rolling eyes, or throwing things?)
What happens if you let them down?
Do you feel pressure to do things you do
not want to do? Sexually?
Does they remind you of times that you
sinned against them? When and how?
Do this one on one.
9
Counseling Model
Judges 9 The Parable of the Trees
“Listen to me, you leaders of Shechem, that God may listen to you. 8 The
trees once went out to anoint a king over them, and they said to the olive
tree, ‘Reign over us.’9 But the olive tree said to them, ‘Shall I leave my
abundance, by which gods and men are honored, and go hold sway over
the trees?’ 10 And the trees said to the fig tree, ‘You come and reign over
us.’ 11 But the fig tree said to them, ‘Shall I leave my sweetness and my
good fruit and go hold sway over the trees?’ 12 And the trees said to the
vine, ‘You come and reign over us.’ 13 But the vine said to them, ‘Shall I
leave my wine that cheers God and men and go hold sway over the
trees?’ 14 Then all the trees said to the bramble, ‘You come and reign over
us.’ 15 And the bramble said to the trees, ‘If in good faith you are anointing
me king over you, then come and take refuge in my shade, but if not, let fire
come out of the bramble and devour the cedars of Lebanon.
The Brambles
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1. The trees wrong worship orientation placed them in a
dangerous position.
2. The olive tree, fig tree and vine were more ready to
serve than to rule.
3. They were not tempted to covet a role what was not
theirs in order to gain power, control or glory.
4. The bramble offers to a false promise5. More than that it chokes out what grows around it- it
does not protect it destroys.
5. The bramble warns that it will be an oppressive ruler
and destroy anyone who disagrees with it
10
Marriage Counseling Model
The desires of the heart
Idolatrous or God honoring
The Brambles
Ministry Priorities
1. Correctly Identifying the
Extent of Oppression
2. Establishing Protection
3. Focused Pursuit of the
Oppressor’s Attitudes
11
Do not fertilize the Brambles
Enforcing their rules, Feeding Entitlements, Blaming Spouse,
Serving their agenda. Asking the oppressed to serve better.
Counsel one on one not as a couple.
Hebrews 13:3 Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which
suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body
Bramble will seek to destroy anyone
that disagrees with it.
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As we seek to help, the oppressor desires to maintain
control will cause conflicts with us.
Not about a better marriage are about maintaining
domination and getting things to be the way they want
them to be.
Rarely will they share our goals.
These types of people are very difficult to counsel.
6 features particularly the blindness and blame-shifting make them hard to influenceThey tend to flee or disengage mentoring. Need to utilize the resources of the church.
12
Oppressors
Abused as Child
Hurt by a
previous
relationship
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Holds in his
feelings
Anger is out of
control
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Abusers works on you to feel sorry for
them.
They work so that you see her as a cause
of his torment.
But its not about pain - or feelings.
Afraid of intimacy
Hurt feelings
Low self esteem
All Wrong
Assumptions
We are good empathizers- so its easy to
take these rabbit trails.
Oppression
Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings.
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Branches are control
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Trunk is entitlement
Roots are
self-worship
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13
It is not that oppressors are 'out of control' it is quite the
opposite- they are using violence to maintain control.
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Herod
Matt 2: 16-18
Then Herod, when he saw that he had
been tricked by the wise men,
became furious, and he sent and
killed all the male children in
Bethlehem and in all that region
who were two years old or under,
according to the time that he had
ascertained from the wise
men. 17 Then was fulfilled what was
spoken by the prophet Jeremiah:18
“A voice was heard in Ramah,
weeping and loud lamentation,
Rachel weeping for her children;
she refused to be comforted,
because they are no more.”
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Haman
Esther 3: 5-6
And when Haman saw
that Mordecai did not bow
down or pay homage to him,
Haman was filled with
fury. 6 But he disdained to lay
hands on Mordecai alone. So,
as they had made known to him
the people of Mordecai,
Haman sought to destroy all the
Jews, the people of Mordecai,
throughout the whole kingdom
of Ahasuerus.
We need to look and see what is motivating them.
Not about anger management.
When a man is selective
about
 when
 where and
 to whom he is abusive
The problem is not that
they loose control… it is
that they take control.
Usually, when we are not
looking…
Public Face of Oppressor
Private Face of Oppressor
14
Ministering to the Oppressor
Help them Give Up Power:
o
o
Willingness to be accountable, submit to authority
Acceptance of consequences.
Help them Give Up Control:
o
o
o
Identify and Repent of Entitlements
Willingness to learn to Suffer Well
Willingness to Consider Others Needs and Desires
Your own conduct and actions
have brought this upon you.
This is your punishment.
How bitter it is.
How it pierces to the heart.
Jeremiah 4:18
Commitment to Safety
o
o
o
Identifying trigger points and develop a plan for them to avoid punishing reactions.
The freedom of spouse to say no without being bullied or badgered.
Learning to tolerate negative emotions without resorting to abusive acts.
Important not to negotiate safety.
Separation may be an important part of the safety plan.
Repenting of Oppression
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Admit fully to all past
patterns
Admit behavior was
wrong without blameshifting
Understand it was a
choice not lack of control
Recognize effects and
show empathy
Indentify in detail past
entitled and controlling
attitudes
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Develop Respectful
behaviors
Replace his distorted view
of spouse
Make amends
Accept Consequences
Commit to non-repeating
Give up past privileges
Understand lifelong process
Willing to be accountable
for past and present
Only person who know if this is happening is the spouse.
15
The Oppressed Experience
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Being owned
Confused
Enslavement
Crushed
Alone
Physically Ill
Feels Responsible
Devalued
Angry
Guilty
The 5 Star Spa
16
Contorted Tree
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Serving the entitled
Trying to appease an oppressor
We are not called to take away all of their suffering.
It is Lord’s job to deliver them.
Again I looked and saw all the
oppression that was taking place
under the sun: I saw the tears of the
oppressed— and they have no
comforter; power was on the side of
their oppressors— and they have no
comforter. And I declared that the
dead, who had already died, are
happier than the living, who are still
alive. But better than both is the one
who has never been born, who has not
seen the evil that is done under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 4
Effects of being controlled
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Feelings of hopelessness.
Depression
Feeling “damaged” or unworthy
Loss of a sense of safety and security,
influencing their ability to trust others or
hyper-vigilance
Conflicts with spirituality, esp. when the
person’s faith was used to control them.
Loss friends- too much- not agreeing with
their staying or leaving
Irritability, or absence of emotional
responsiveness/reactivity.
Feeling detached - from her experiences,
from other people in her life, from her life.
Feeling like she is loosing her mind.
Distorting God’s word to defend their
dysfunction
Continuing to believe the lies of the abuser
instead of the truths of God
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Sleeping too little or sleeping too much.
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Changes in eating patterns.
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Difficulty concentrating, or intense
concentration to keep intrusive thoughts at
bay.
Avoidance of thoughts, feelings, places,
activities, people and /or conversations.
Apathy or outrage
Anxiety – feeling restless, keyed up, panic
attacks
Flashbacks – being flooded with memory.
This can be emotional, physiological, and/or
cognitive.
Fear: for her physical, emotional, economic
safety; for her children’s safety; for her
ability to recover and provide for herself
Substance use/abuse
Affairs
17
What is visible
Her anxiety, lack of belief, snappy, not
trusting God with outcomes,
unwillingness to see his family
His business with work, devotion to
other things, appears calm and
pleasant, makes sense that he
complains about wife.
In non-abusive marriages this can be
the dynamic- but when power and
control are subversive we need a
different focus.
We need proper conceptualization
Had to know the depth of suffering and her experience before speaking into it.
First Goal was to hear and care --then connect her to a God who hears and cares.
The LORD also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalms 9:9
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Helping the Wounded Speak

Speaking is key.
 Truth
has been distorted
 Silence promotes abuse
 Learn to talk to God
 Can not speak Scripture
into the unknown
 Telling story is powerful in
process of healing
 Eph 5 bring things into light
for redemption
God’s Love for the Loveless
1.
2.
Safety
Slowly and gently
finding God in their
Narrative- being able
to worship God in the
telling of their story(love God)
3.
Helping their community
love them well. Helping
them love others well
(love others). Both
directions are vital for
healing.
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Church Involvement
Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with
them; and them which suffer adversity, as being
yourselves also in the body.
Hebrews 13:3
Ideal Components in Shepherding Oppressive Marriages
Listen, Believe and Carefully gather information– (Keep Notes and Logs)
Go over safety concerns and if needed make safety plan- ( fleeing danger? )
Determine if confrontation is Safe and/or desired.
Develop a Ministry Plan to Support the Oppressed- Persist
Ask, Connect, Pray, Schedule Follow Up, Build Support Team, Consider
Practical Relief, Be Slow to Speak - Learn: What she has tried? & What its like?
Develop a Ministry Plan to Confront the Oppressor
Do not always need to label their behavior as oppressive/abusive initially.
Get to specifics and requirements Quickly and in Detailed way.
Assign elder to follow up, check in and close information loop.
Key component - they know you will be checking in (with spouse too).
Focus on repentance, humility, empathy and service.
Willingness to consider Church Discipline.
Revisit Safety Concerns and Plan once confrontations are taking place.
Communicate with Oppressed prior to and post confrontation- Fill them in!
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Restoring Her Worship:
Lamenting/Prayer
Stops Feeding His Idols
Wisely & Gently Speaks Truth
Focuses on what God is doing
Church Interventions:
Prayer and Pursuit
Protection
Active Focused ministry that
Challenges Dan’s Attitudes and
Behaviors
Rescue
He knows what it is to be pierced.
Ministry Priorities
Restoring His Worship
* Identification * Protection* Pursuit
Church Interventions:
Prayer and Pursuit
Protection
Active Focused ministry that
Challenges Dan’s Attitudes and
Behaviors
Discipline
Self Deception
1. Blind
2. Lack of remorse for others
3. Blame-shifting
Relate to Others
1. Entitled
2. Dominate
3. Threaten
Jesus- Lays down everything and serves those he loves.
Ministry Priorities
* Identification * Protection* Pursuit
21
Resources
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Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds
of Angry and Controlling Men, New York, New York:
Berkley Books, 2003.
Holcomb, Justin and Lindsey Holcomb, Is It My Fault?:
Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence,
Chicago, Illinois: Moody Publishers, 2014.
Strickland, Darby “Entitlement: When Expectations Go
Toxic” Journal of Biblical Counseling- Winter 2015,
p.19-33.
Safety Planning- National Domestic Violence HotlineJustin Holcomb Website on DV- Why Call Police, How
Pastors Can Help.
Footnotes
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1. Domestic Violence Statistics National Domestic Violence Hotline
Website.
2. Center for Disease Control: The National Intimate Partner and
Sexual Violence Survey - November 2011
3. US Department of Justice: The Bureau of Justice Statistics- August
1995
4. Bergen & Bukovec Men & Intimate Partner Rape, 2006
5. Maker AH, Kemmelmeier M, Peterson C. Long-term psychological
consequences in women of witnessing parental physical conflict and
experiencing abuse in childhood. Journal of Interpersonal
Violence. 1998;13:574–589
6. Clark, R. Setting the Captives Free: A Christian Theology for
Domestic Violence 2005.
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