The chosen one, or a few chosen ones?

Volume 1, Issue 1
Newsletter Date
The chosen one, or a few chosen ones?
INSIDE:
Don’t Cry Pansy
Yesterday at noon, when
the sun was shining
highest in the sky over
Hogwarts Towers, one
Slytherin girl tried to
take her life as she
dangled herself over the
edge of the Hogwarts
bridge.
Page 17
I N S I D E T H I S
I S S U E :
Skeeter’s small talk
2
Dedalus Diggle
Obituary
3
S-muggle Studies
4
Hagrid’s Complaint
7
The 3rd Floor Corridor
13
Meet Draco Malfoy
15
Thank You!
18
Have you seen a number of
Harry Potters strolling about
the school? If you have, you
need to report it to The Dark
Lord immediately. He needs
to know about the whereabouts of this filthy half blood
as he has been causing stress
and havoc for the almighty
Dark Lord. It has come to our
attention that there is only
one real Harry Potter lurking
in the corridors, and the other
fools have taken polyjuice
potion to protect their beloved friend. It is assumed
that the polyjuice potion has
been taken from Professor
Snapes’ class covered by Professor Barone. She was too
busy teaching the rats how to
make potions, which they will
never need to use if they follow in the steps of the Dark
Lord. However, what the daft
students of this poorly run
school don’t seem to realise,
is that polyjuice potion does
not last forever and you
senseless twits will soon be
revealed and along with that,
Potter reveals himself, rather
than putting his chums in
danger. I suppose we see the
true selfish colours of Harry
Potter shining through.
Written By Bellatrix Lestrange
(Kanika Banwait)
More impersonators snapped on
page…..
The real Harry Potter and
Hedwig were surprised to
learn that there were others
around. As you can see,
Harry is not impressed.
severely punished by myself –
the Cruciatus Curse ought to
enlighten you of how powerful the Dark Lords forces are.
It is better if the real Harry
We suspect the Hufflepuff
crest on the cloak indicates that
Cedric Diggory has returned
for more attention.
C e l e b s p o t o f t h e d a y : H E
W H O M U S T N O T B E N A M E D !
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ALZHEIMER’S,
ALBUS?
For those of you who weren’t witness to Dumbledore’s
gargantuan slip this morning in the Great Hall, the
link is available on my blog.
It seems the great wizard
can’t even remember his
own name, instead referring to himself as
‘Dobbledore’ and rambling
on about lord-knows-what.
Your very own Rita Skeeter
made her grand entrance at
the beginning of the new
year at Hogwarts, much to
the delight of most students, and was shocked to
find the school’s almighty
Headmaster losing his
marbles. Need a number of
a good care home, Albus?
T h e
bledore’s thoughts. The
two ladies are being
2012 WIZYMPICS:
held at the Ministry and
Our final piece of news
have had all access to
today is just to remind all their Gringott’s acyou gorgeous warlocks
counts cut off. Sorry,
and sorcerers that the
darlings but it seems
2012 Wizympics are
Narcissa won’t be able
coming to Hogwarts this to afford a new house
autumn. It promises to
elf after all!
be full of fun and adventure and, as a bonus, The LUSCIOUS LONGBOTDaily Prophet will be
TOM:
offering free copies of the Calling all ladies of the
paper for anyone who
wizarding world –
can provide me with a
lock of Harry’s hair. For
research purposes, of
course.
D a i l y
P r o p h et
Give me a buzz.
THE HACKING HARLEQUINS:
I, Rita Skeeter, reporter
extraordinaire, was the
first to report of the
scandalous allegations
brought against two well
known society figures –
Narcissa and Bellatrix
Lestrange. And alas, it
seems that these two
fabulous women have
been caught red-handed,
hacking into the pensieves’ of other marvelous minds? The self acclaimed Albus Dumbledore has filed charges of
hacking against the two
women, after it being
proven by the Ministry
that both Lestranges
were holding information obtained from Dum-
there’s a new hunk in
town. Yes, move over
Potter, because we’re
enamored with a new
golden boy and he
comes minus scar. The
blundering and blithering Nevil Longbottom,
son of Frank and Alice
both in St Mungo’s after
their dealings with youknow-who (tragic, I
know), has reappeared
after his stint at a health
farm near Durmstrang.
And he’s looking fine.
You can take me around
your greenhouse
The dastardly flier was
red carded after taunting the Irish goal keeper
on the value of his
broomstick during the
game, teasing him about
‘potato famines.’ Shameful tactics from the
hunky Bulgarian. I wonder what Hermione
thinks of her latest
beau’s behavior. Maybe
she should head on back
to Harry. Just this reporter’s thought… I
mean, how can you resist that jawline?
By Rita Skeeter
Award-winning journalist
4x nominee bestdressed witch
V o l u m e
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3
THE PPP
POTTER PUPPET PALS
The recent craze, Potter Puppet Pals
has taken over the wizarding world
internet, on a website named YouFly.
The first episode, ‘The Mysterious
Ticking Noise’ has become a recognised sensation that is being sung in
showers across the whole country.
However, you may not know there
are several other episodes that follow this which are just as funny, if
not funnier; these include: Ron’s
disease, Wizard Swears, The Vortex,
Snapes Diary, Moustache Buddies
and Draco Puppet to name a few.
During the series, the characters are
given contrasting personalities in
comparison to the real students. For
example, Harry is cocky and abusive
towards Ron. Ron however, is shown
to be naïve and childish. Hermione
sticks with him and speaks infrequently. The Dumbledore puppet, on
the other hand, is shown to be a gay
android, whereas Snape is shown to be
gothic but with hidden feelings. Other
characters include The Dark Lord and
Hagrid who appear occasionally.
Any reference to the puppet characters in school will be seen as bullying to
the real people. They do not appreciate
being made fun of and this is not a true
representation of the hard working
students or professors that they are.
Please refrain from using quotes from
the episodes such
as, “lose
some
weight before you hug me Ron,” “fetch the problem stick,” “I’m a gay android,” “it’s Ronaldo
now,” “I’m Harry Potter, school is for loser, I’m
totally awesome,” “why don’t we just light his
head on fire,” this is offensive and hurts people’s
feelings.
If you do happen to have wizard lice, please go
and see Hagrid. HE can supply you with mayonnaise.
Written by Aayushi Barghava and Kanika Banwait
OBITUARIES
Teen Drinking –
There have been many
visits to Hogsmead recently to purchase butterbeers from the Leaky Cauldron. If you are under age,
this is completely inappropriate and unacceptable.
Drinking butterbeer under
age can lead to many
health problems such as
serious heart problems
and can also lead to a
Dedalus Diggle, esteemed member of the Order of the
Phoenix, has died on Sunday night following an accident
breaking of your wand. It
during celebrations of He Who Must Not Be Named‟s
causes unexplainable
downfall. An enthusiastic character, Diggle‟s greatest
magic to occur which can
achievements include protecting Harry Potter during his
result in accidents. If butescape from his muggle home, as well as escorting to
terbeer has been consafety Harry Potter‟s muggle relatives. Last year, his
sumed before a class, this
house was raided and burned to the ground by followers
will be consequential and
of You Know Who, but luckily Diggle escaped unyou will have a detention
harmed thanks to his quick thinking and lucky use of a
with professor Edwards… Camouflage Charm. His role in the recent war showoh the joy.
cased his bravery as he was frequently seen in the Leaky
Cauldron even after it had been taken over by Death EatWritten by Kanika Banwait ers. The Death Eaters curiously left him alone when they
realised he was probably more harm to himself than
them.
His eccentric manner and jovial temperament earned him
many close friends and admirers. He was particularly
famed for an extravagant hat with feathers and fur, home
-made and lacking all semblance of practical worth; the
hat is now on display at the Ministry of Magic in a special exhibit highlighting important figures in the recent
war.
Last Sunday was nearing the end of a week-long celebraWednesday evening
from 5:30pm till 9 pm. tion across the wizarding world following the demise of
Tryouts will be held on He Who Must Not Be Named, and Diggle like many
magic folk was celebrating by copious amounts of fireWednesday 20th August whiskey coupled with frequent bursts of magical fire2011, on the quidditch works. Unfortunately, Diggle‟s wand had been damaged
pitch. All you need is a after sitting on it whilst in a drunken stupor. When he
went to cast the Orchideus charm to impress a beautiful
broom, some talent and lady, his spell backfired and did not produce a bouquet
some Hufflepuff house of roses but instead conjured a massive Venomous Tentacula which promptly bit Mr Diggle leading to his
spirit!
death.
Hufflepuffs, Get On Your
Brooms!!
The Hufflepuff
quidditch team is
searching for a new
chaser. We would like
our new chaser to play
in our team for the first
term of next year
(September-December
2011). The new Chaser
will be required to attend practice every
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T h e
D a i l y
P r o p h et
Smug-gle Studies
As one of the
most mysterious
and elusive
disciplines
learned by
wizardkind,
Muggle Studies
could be a
dangerous cult
for our younger
students. Vicky
“Horcrux”
Hawley reports.
In a dark and airless classroom, deep in the heart of
the school‟s Kingsley
Shacklebolt Building, a
complex and terrifying
web of lies and hatred is
being woven by some of
the school‟s once most
benign teachers. This is a
room in which house is
pitted against house, student against student, friend
against friend. Antimuggle propaganda is
splattered across the walls,
hate slogans are recited by
the class at the command
of their professor.
This is the shadowy and
dangerous world of Muggle Studies.
I slipped into the lightstarved classroom this
morning in order to gather
what little information I
could about this elusive
discipline. The world of
the muggle is a complex
one, and one which many
wizards have tried- and
failed- to understand, riddled with rice, rabbits and
rubber ducks. But it seems
that even the magnanimous magical have
stopped trying; what met
my ears in that chamber of
slander was a justification
for the “magical dominance” of mugglekind. A
Professor (who shall remain
nameless lest he add me to
the growing pile of stupefied students in the brooms
cupboard- not that there is
any evidence for this beyond hear-say and the occasional terrified First Year)
was the one reading it.
“But Professor Hunt,” I
said, quaking in my boots
(literally), “surely by working together, wizard and
mugglekind can achieve
more than they ever could
apart!” I was fixed with an
outraged glare from not
only the nameless Professor, but also from the students who were part way
through being indoctrinated
by this terrifying nonsense.
Looming over me, I was
asked exactly why I thought
so, and when I explained
my reasoning, I was met by
a barrage of insults. Mudblood, they shouted. The
Professor just laughed and
resumed his reading, voice
seeping into every stuffy
shadow of the classroom. It
seemed only the Ravenclaws were immune from
this tide of intolerance, huddled in a corner, only two
of them left, clearly picked
on and reviled because of
their superior intelligence
(house loyalty notwithstanding).
I was handed seven pages
of notes, listing muggle
items magic has
“improved”; “evidence” for
magical superiority. Even
the trees did not escape the
twisted scrutiny of this
bloodthirsty class. They
claimed that the Whumping
Willow had been vastly
enhanced by the addition of
its violent thrashing and
flailing limbs; originally put
in place as a muggle repulsion device. The whole thing
was a little too reminiscent of
a BWP (British Wizarding
Party) rally for my liking.
Other justifications included
diaries, which, as one student
claimed, were used “to force
little ginger girls to kill cats
and use its blood to write
warnings on school walls”.
This accusation (clearly
aimed at members of the
Weasely family who, as everyone knows, are the only
gingers at Hogwarts) has, as
far as we are aware, no relation to the macabre warning
currently hanging from the
Dumbledore Block. All of
this was overseen and encouraged by the Professor,
who was grinning throughout
the whole thing like the blast
-ended skewt who got the
cabbages. I was ordered to
count and tally the scores of
this “game” as a clear punishment for my “inferior”
lineage. The Slytherins
(surprise surprise) had filled
four pages with their suggestions, many of which were
not suitable for printing, and
it seems even the kindhearted Hufflepuffs had been
forced into this mindless
malignance.
So, Muggle Studies; educational or evil? Detailed or
dangerous? Magnificent or
malicious? Well, this student
certainly knows where she
stands. And that‟s as far
away from that classroom as
possible. When confronted a
little later, the Professor in
question simply shrugged
nonchalantly, shutting the
door to the broom cupboard
subtly and blocking out the
screams. Before waltzing off
down the corridor to begin
what
“Every day I‟m Slytherin.”
Well I never! Fearing for
my life, I managed to escape mostly intact and seek
refuge in the History of
Magic; I felt the witch trials
were a much safer environment.
(DISCLAIMER: Vicky
“Horcrux” Hawley would
like it to be made clear that
the Muggle Studies Department is made up of wonderful, charming and devoted
professors who are in no
way biased one way or another regarding the complex
issue of muggle-magical
ethics. Also, if anyone does
happen to hear cries for
help while walking past the
broom cupboard, it‟s clearly
just a coincidence. Just
walk a little faster.)
Missing Toad
Neville Longbottom
has (once again) reported a
missing toad. At only 8cm tall,
with dark green, warty skin, the
toad responds to the name
Trevor. Trevor was last seen in
the transfiguration classroom at
10:15 am on Monday the 27th
June 2011. Trevor‟s escape
occurred after Neville‟s attempts to transfigure him into a
tea cosy forced him to regurgitate tea leaves; following the
clamour, Trevor had vanished.
Neville advises any
concerned to search the castle
for tea leaves, as this may lead
to Trevor‟s hiding place. He
also begs that owl and cat owners keep their pets locked in
their dormitories, to ensure
Trevor‟s safety, until he is
found. If anyone is to find
Trevor, will they please return him to Professor McGonagall. A handsome reward
is on offer to anyone who
finds him!
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Diggle will forever remain an
interesting figure in our magical
history and we shall remember
him for his abundant joy and fanciful stories.
Draco was certain that Harry would be
the one punished and told us “My
father will hear about this”.
This Harry Potter looked surprised at being caught impersonating himself.
Dobby told us “Dobby will always help
Harry Potter... whichever one he is!”
This Harry Potter has admitted to being
the one distributing the Polyjuice Potion
to everyone.
These Harry Potters have gone for a more relaxed
approach to today- no house colours!
Ready for Quidditch? This Harry Potter is
wearing the Gryffindor scarf.
Seeing double in Advanced Muggle Studies !
Harry Potter appears to have learnt
of the Deathly Hallows here as it is
on his t-shirt, while Harry Potter
was happy to pose with himself.
More
Potter
impersonator
s spotted
around the
school...
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T h e
D a i l y
P r o p h et
Exclusive Hogwarts special
So, as Celestina Warbeck‟s affair with
Basil Baylis comes to a disappointing
anticlimax, we thought we‟d sniff
around for the scoop in Hogwarts‟s
latest gossip and scandal. Home of the
wizarding World‟s upcoming stars,
Hogwarts‟s drama isn‟t all about the
students.
It‟s clear to see for anyone with a particularly observant eye to see that the
recent disappearances of both professors Snape and McGonagall, known to
be enemies throughout their entire
teaching careers working together,
aren‟t all they seem – after finding
them together heading up to the forbidden third floor corridor, it leads our
reported to wonder.. What is going on
up there?
Much speculation on the meaning of
these clandestine meetings is being
circulated, but I think It would be safe
to assume that a budding, if not full
blown romance is on the cards. But
what could have lead to this sudden
change of heart? After all, for the last
two years they haven‟t even been on
speaking terms- a known enmity between the two may be a hard thing to
overcome, leading to the question, how
long exactly has this new found affection been kept in the dark?
Our Hogwarts reporter went to talk to
some of the students in the school to
see how long any of them have known
about it- „oh yes, we‟ve known about it
for a long time now.. since Christ-
mas!!‟, Fiona Fawcett, a fourth
year girl with what many students
have described as n unhealthily
close connection with the potions
professor, told me „they have so
many secret meetings together
it‟s hard to believe there ISNT
something going on!‟, this seems
to be a common view among the
students here at Hogwarts, and
seems to have been accepted by
the other professors as well. Although both professors Snape and
McGonagall refuse to pass comment on the matter, the truth is
out, and I don‟t think they‟ll be
able to hide it for much longer…
On a smaller scale, a change in
the appearance of the one eyed
witch statue on the third floor has
been noted by students throughout the school, her much diminished nose and the absence of a
wart on her left hand all beg the
question, has the one eyed witch
had surgery? Often seen slipping
into paintings around the school,
her recent visits to the portrait of
Angela Beanbottom, the famous
school beauty and twice Magical
Musicians Award winner,
seemed to have caused a stir,
however, for all we can tell her
love is unrequited.. Well no
prises for guessing there, let‟s
hope she has better luck next
time with her romantic affixa-
tions.
After complaints from more than half of
the student body, the Hogwarts caretaker, Argus Filch has finally been
suspended from his position at the
school for „disturbing intentions towards underaged persons on night-time
patrols and sinister mutterings suspecting madness‟. This may come as no
surprise to all and considerable relief to
many- the squib has been known for his
jealous and violent ideas for the punishment of magical students, and allusions
to his unstable state of mind are supported by the fact that his only companion is devoted cat, Mrs Norris. „He‟s so
creepy!! We‟re all really glad he‟s
gone, even if it‟s just for a little while!!‟
A third year Hufflepuff student told our
reported- however, as long as the
school‟s headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, continues to insist upon his
suspension rather than his longed for
dismissal, it won‟t be long before his
terrorising of students continues once
more.
By Bethany Beaden
Hedwig Held Hostage
On the 15th June at approximately 11 o clock this morning, just past the wimping
willow on the outskirts of Hogwarts, our dear old owl Hedwig, was found innocently whimpering inside the barred enclosure of one of The Dark Lords cages. It
has been said that our loyal and beloved owl was held hostage by one of the Dark
Lords assistants, in an attempt to lure in one of Hogwarts students, the chosen oneHarry Potter.
Hedwig has now been released and the cage has been thrown to the Blast Ended
Screewts, where it SHALL NEVER RESURFACE AGAIN.
The poor soul‟s squawk was heard from miles away, however we and the Hogwarts owl post doctors immediately flew over to find the weak owl screeching in
pain as one of its fragile wings had been caught and trapped in the cage door.
Hedwig is now fortunately resting in Hogwarts‟ owl post after suffering severe
wing damage and emotional trauma; however is bandaged up and recovering well!
We hope you will all read this and stay aware of the damage that the Dark Lord
and his assistants can cause, and we urge you to learn from this incident and take
precautions with your animals in and around the school, so we do not encounter
another dreadful occurrence such as this mornings.
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Hagrid’s Complaint
It was reported this morning, at 9:55, that Hagrid
was running around Hogwarts screaming about the
disgrace that is journalism.
In an interview he com-
plained that a member
of Slytherin and a member of Gryffindor harassed him and told him
that Dumbledore was
“old” and was “going to
die.” They also allegedly
told him that he could
be a potential threat to
the school and the
safety of students as he
harboured
so
many
dangerous
creatures.
Hearing this, Hagrid
became extremely violent and started yelling
at them. He told them
that they knew nothing
and said that the Gryffindor member was a
“physco” and that she
had been put in the
wrong house- that no
Gryffindor
member
would ever be that rude
and insulting.
We later interviewed
the two reporters and they
told
us
that
he
was
“mentally unstable” and was
“extremely violent” as he
had tried to attack them.
They also said that they
were only questioning him
and that his reaction was
exaggerated. They said that
they only asked if Hagrid
thought that Dumbledore
would die soon and he mistook their question. They say
that they were only doing
their job.
However, Hagrid is still extremely upset and this adds
to the grief of having his
book eaten and ruined. He
plans to complain to Dumbledore to get those reporters
expelled or force them to endure an extremely brutal
punishment. The reporters
hope that he does not get his
wish…
Elphias Doge upset over Skeeters lies
I am extremely grateful to Mr
Elphias Doge for allowing this
interview, on his thoughts on
Rita Skeeter‟s recent interview
and her upcoming Biography
on the much remembered, Albus Dumbledore. “That
woman, or vulture may be a
more accurate term, positively
pestered me to talk to her. I am
ashamed to say that I became
rather rude, called her an inter-
fering trout, which resulted, as you
may have seen, in aspersions cast
upon my sanity.” Mr Doge sated his
rather firm opinions on Skeeter.
but as you readers can see,
there is rather a lot of difference
in opinion between Skeeter and
Doge.
When I asked him his opinion on her
biography on Dumbledore, his reaction was instantaneous; and even
more forceful than the last: “Don‟t
believe a word of it! Let nothing tarnish your memories of Albus Dumbledore!” Well that‟s Doge‟s opinion;
To see the biography; and form
you own opinion on who is
right; place your order for The
Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore now, at Flourish & Blotts.
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T h e
D a i l y
P r o p h et
v
Following the runaway success of
The Life and Lies of Albus
Dumbledore and Snape: Scoundrel
or Saint? comes Rita Skeeter’s long
awaited and breathtaking
autobiography…
Love, lies and
lipstick: My
Sensational Story
•This book will make a huge ‘prophet’
•She’s caught some golden snitches in her time
•Quintessential quotes from the queen of quills
Available now at Flourish and Blotts, Diagon Alley.
Book signing tomorrow!
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Gryffindor in line for Quidditch cup
This morning I witnessed a
brutal Quidditch tournament at
the hands of the third years.
Games full of scandals as
Gryffindor were accused of
cheating in their very first
match. Bitter words from the
losing Hufflepuff team as they
commented that the games
were „scary‟ and „violent‟ as
they declared that the snitch
was caught not with great skill
by a seeker but was in fact
caught by a Gryffindor teammate then merely passed to
their seeker, all the while
Madam Hooch‟s gaze was
elsewhere. The Gryffindor
team captain denies all.
But this was not the only occasion when Madam Hooch was
not giving penalties for what
seemed to me to be obvious
foul play that was right under
her nose. Is it acceptable to let
these lenient ways, especially
when there is 800 different
ways you can foul, or is it a
disgusting betrayal of the
beautiful game that we all
know and love. Is Madam
Hooch getting a little past her
sell by date as a Quidditch
referee? Should we all be more
relaxed with the rules when it
is only children playing? Let
us know what you think and send
us an owl.
Despite all the troubles the tournament was considered by all, including myself as a mere spectator,
to be an exhilarating, non-stop action event in which the Slytherin
team came up as easily triumphant
(unsurprising really considering the
amount of bludger injuries caused
by their hand),followed by Gryffindor and sharing third place was
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. The
jubilant Slytherin seeker, now celebrating in their common room told
me that it was „thrilling‟ and that
she was „proud‟ to be part of the
team, feeling relieved that they
won. This pushes Slytherin to second place in the running for the
house cup directly behind Gryffindor. By tomorrow everything will
have changed again but don‟t worry
I will be back next week with another update on all the Quidditch
action from Hogwarts.
For information and
tickets for the oncoming
Quidditch world cup,
starring Victor Krum,
and where to go for all
your broomstick needs
visit Diagon Alley.
The Quotation
Sensation
that’s
Sweeping the
Nation
By Sophie Alexander
The battle of the house trophy is still under way who will be the ultimate winner of the house prize, will it be Gryffindor,
Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin
9
Hagrid needs help
This morning at 9am Hagrid burst
into the school hall shaking with
rage and proceeded to tell all the
students of Beaconsfield High that
the book which he was writing had
been shredded by Nargles, worm
like creatures which he told us enthusiastically had „huge teeth, like
wolves‟. According to Hagrid they
got into his cabin through the open
window and cracks in the wood in a
large pack and got everywhere.
„They were in me pockets, hair, they
was everywhere‟. He was certain
that the Dark Lord himself had been
behind the attack because he is very
interested in animals and „he has
loads of pets‟. Somehow this was
not very believable. He showed the
pupils of Beaconsfield High School
the remains of his book on the Care
of Magical Creatures and not even a
page of writing, apparently was all
he had written.
According to Hagrid he had attempted the Expelliarmus charm to
combat the Snarkles. He then said „I
often uses magic now and then.‟
Hagrid was expelled in his third
year at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry for setting a
monster on the pupils, his wand was
snapped and he was forbidden from
using it, however his disregard from
rules now and then is obvious. This
use of magic should result in him
being taken to the Improper Use of
Magic Department and being severely punished. On top of this he
has opened the Chamber of Secrets,
last time it resulted in the death of a
Ravenclaw girl, Myrtle. Last time
he had released his pet Acromantula
loose in the grounds to purge the
school of muggle borns. He denies
all link with this, however he could
not meet our eyes when he claimed
that „there‟s nothing wrong with
muggle borns‟.
It could be said that Hagrid‟s violence links back to his heritage. His
mother was a giant called Fridwula,
who left him when he was born.
Fridwula is well known for her violence and Hagrid even has a brother
Grawp who he gets on well with, an
inside source that doesn‟t want to
be disclosed told the Daily Prophet
„they‟re like two peas in a pod‟.
Giants are very tall and violent
creatures who have killed most of
their own race off. Hagrid lied and
claimed he was so tall because his
mother fed him up, when it was
pointed out that she was away for
most of his childhood he changed it
to „my father fed me up‟.
Hagrid‟s fixture for dangerous and
bizarre creatures has terrified the
pupils that he teaches, „he‟s so stupid he can‟t even see his evil creatures are about to kill us,‟ revealed
Elizabeth Creswell a second year
Hufflepuff student finally revealed
to us after we promised that we
would protect her from the dangers
of her teacher should he threaten
her again. We were enthusiastically
told about Basilisks by Hagrid
which were in his book. Basilisks
are snakes which are deadly dangerous, and they kill you should
you look them in the eye, however
Hagrid made it clear that he found
them sweet, „you just need to know
how to handle them‟ he told reporters proudly. Hagrid‟s bizarre views
stretch to dragons as well which he
finds „gentle‟, and when we asked
him his view on Mr Potter‟s first
task in the tri-wizard tournament
when Potter had to retrieve the egg
from the dragon and had been badly
hurt, he told us that „almost being
killed is a part of growing up‟, it‟s obvious
that he is a danger to his pupils and staff
alike.
Then when we asked him his views on
Professor Dumbeldore he told us that „he
is a good man‟ and proceeded to rapidly
turn violent and yell „Dumbeldore is going
to drop dead at any minute!‟ Fearing for
our safety as by then he was lashing out
we hurriedly retreated as he lumbered over
to his cabin and got out his pink umbrella,
proceeding to set our capes on fire as we
hurried away.
It is clear that Professor Dumbeldore
should do something about Hagrid as not
only is he a very dangerous half giant, but
he is also a terrible teacher, „we can‟t even
understand him, he has to resort to sign
language to make him understandable‟,
said Jane, a second year Slytherin student
and a quivering first year told us „he
shouldn‟t be allowed to teach because he
doesn‟t know what he‟s doing‟, Lucy
O‟Connell the student who told us refused
to say any more for fear that he would
harm them, however she did disclose that
„when we arrived to Hogwarts we had to
take the boats in and we were terrified, it
was cold and one child, Dennis Crevey fell
in and Hagrid didn‟t even help him back
into a boat.‟
Be careful, Hagrid is a danger to himself
and those around him. Even many of the
reporters with protection refused to go and
the half giant became violent when we
questioned him and complained to the
Daily Prophet aggressively when his lies
had been uncovered.
By Anne Gill
This reporter has truly witnessed some horrors today. In the History of Magic court three women
stood trial as witches – the evidence was shocking and the outcomes controversial. The prosecution
lined up, champing at the bit to convict somebody. The defence sat calmly, gathering their notes,
waiting for the trial to begin. The hearings were presided over by part-time judge, Professor
Packer, looking charming in her latest hair endeavour – the green gave her certain ferocity. The
court was supervised by Professor Irle and Professor Wilyman, both resplendent in five inch heels,
ready to take people out lest they get rowdy.
The sound of the gong signalled the entrance of the accused, Mother Osborne, head held high looking proud and commanding. A chill certainly went down this reporter’s spine as she gazed around
the room, staring down the prosecution. When questioned, she admitted to casting the Devil on a
man who wouldn’t give her milk when she was hungry and in need. Cries of ‘witch’ and ‘devilworshipper’ went up from the watching crowds, while relatives of the elderly woman sobbed into
each other’s arms. She claimed it was said in the heat of the moment and that the death of any livestock after her ‘curse’ was coincidental. She may have had an icy exterior to rival Malfoy, but this
woman was fooling nobody. Evil shone from every pore as she was led from the courtroom to cat
calls and jeers.
Next on the stand was Elizabeth Clarke, convicted of being a witch by that handsome devil Matthew
Hopkins. Rumour has it he’s worth over twenty shillings a witch now. Wouldn’t mind bagging myself some of that. Clarke claimed that Hopkins kept her awake for four days and then forced a confession out of her, explaining away why she was accused of talking to herself. The courtroom was
immediately flooded with rumours – is Hopkins now out for his own means? The defence certainly
seemed to think so! The prosecution against Clarke was significant by its absence – little argument
or evidence against her led to rousing calls of support for young Elizabeth as she was dragged out
of the courtroom to await her fate. Cheers of ‘Elizabeth’ went up amongst the crowds, leaving a pale
Matthew Hopkins to hastily make his exit, call a broomcab and whizz off into hiding. It’s okay, Matthew darling, I still love you. And I want that Merc for my birthday.
Last into the stands was Margaret Flower, accused of not believing in God. This reporter sensed a
scandal the minute Flower entered the room, all in black and showing a dangerous amount of thigh.
‘I don’t believe in the Bible,’ she said, causing screams of outrage from the more conservative
prosecution. Athena Allen, 8RIM, of the defence was quick to label the prosecution as ‘too judgemental,’ pointing out that Flower was clearly an educated woman. God struck down her sister for
being a witch, yet Margaret lived, a line of defence that the prosecution found hard to question. Indeed, they simply babbled on about spells and potions, hoping to trick Flower into proving her
knowledge of witchy things, but the young woman stood firm, insisting she’s feminist and independent and won’t be labelled. Right on, girl.
Dear readers, I can tell you honestly that I’ve never seen a trial like it. Three different women with
three different stories and a whole host of evidence for and against. It must have been a tricky effort for the judges, but eventually the verdict rolled out. Margaret Flower was proven innocent on
account that she didn’t believe in the Devil and therefore could not worship or have seen Satan.
Elizabeth Clarke also proven innocent on account of sleep deprivation. And Mother Osborne?
Dragged spitting and cursing to the dungeons where she was burned with holy water, after being
proven guilty on account of killing calves due to her own pure selfishness. Issy Nash, 8RIM, the
famed judge explained ‘she didn’t want anyone else to have the milk if she couldn’t have it and so
killed the livestock.’ Talk about childish.
I think it’s safe to say that we can all sleep well tonight, safe in the knowledge that one more evil
witch is out of the world. As for me, I’m off to find Matthew and give him a bit of a consolation cuddle. That’s all from the courts at the Ministry of Magic today. Sleep well, and remember – if you are
a witch, keep it to yourself.
Alex Lovegoode
Gilderoy’s Gobbet of the Day!
“Successful people make money…
successful people attract money. They bring
success to what they do.”
Wayne Dyer
This week‟s quote is one I can really relate to. Come see me at
my book signing in Diagon Alley on August 20th. Love Lockhart
x
Voldemort‟s Shakespeare Sweetheart
Don‟t blush Voldemort, we all had our suspicions. Today‟s
scandalous appearance: „He Who Must Not Be Named‟ sneaking into the Hogwarts library… the restricted section. Not only
that, as if it was not shocking enough, The Dark Lord tried to
sneak out with one of his new-found favourite reads – William
Shakespeare‟s „Romance‟. Some may say it can‟t be true, such
a steel hearted man, yet here we have the controversial picture.
Notice the way it is haphazardly stuffed into his mysterious
cape, yet not hidden enough for our eagle eyes. In a flash of
horror He fought to cover his treasured secret, but now it is
revealed to the world… The Dark Lord is not so dark at all.
Who knows what other soppy novels he hides under his
„terrifying cloak‟ – not so fearsome now eh? Maybe we
should show a little tenderness towards „He Who Must Not Be
Named‟, it could be that all he needs is a little „Romance‟….
Or maybe not. We will keep you posted on any more literature
develops with the new „Lord of Romance‟.
Ursula Grover
Wizard United Nations (WUN) Update
The delegates from the Republic of France and the United Kingdom were officially warned by the chair today to behave
themselves. The pair‟s historic rivalry bubbled over again, following a recent Quidditch defeat for French forerunners Beauxbatons School by the British Hogwarts team. Most recently it has magically manifested itself by the
French delegate‟s transfiguration of the United Kingdom‟s cup of tea into a glass of wine, which was then promptly
poured over the French delegate‟s head. Both have been removed from the chamber for the remainder of the day.
A fiery joint tirade from the delegates of Hungary and Greece occupied most of the morning as a protest against foodrelated puns involving their countries‟ names. Following his conspicuous absence from the protests, Turkey has
been grilled.
The Iranian delegate, interviewed on his recent confrontation with the Dark Lord, was asked what he did and where he
went. He simply replied “I ran.”
The American delegate has infuriated the Canadian delegate by suggesting that Quadpot is superior to Quidditch. Stunning charms were fired after the Canadian delegate decided to “re-educate” his American counterpart- using his
Beater‟s bat.
Delivery of documents of international importance to the WUN is starting up again slowly after the Owl Postal Strike.
The avian advocates of better pay and pensions marched in several major cities around the globe, but their demands
were mostly met by hoots of laughter. Further strikes are being planned by some of the unions‟ most “talon-ted”
leaders.
Hogwarts the renowned school of witchcraft and wizardry uncovered:
The 3rd Floor Corridor
After the discovery of the philosopher’s stone in the 3rd floor corridor 7 years ago, the corridor has
been eyed with suspicion by even the greatest witches and wizards over what is lurking in those
dark long winding corridors. I took it on myself to take a big risk- to explore the depths of the deserted corridor which has not been opened since You-Know-Who passed through long ago and to
see what the students think of having such a dangerous place so close to their lessons and rooms.
As I arrived at the school I was greeted by a frenzy of students; shouting screaming desperate to
get their names and their stories into our renowned paper. I listened and marvelled at their extreme stories of ‘’strange and suspicious noises at night’’ and ‘’tumbling sounds of tables being
upturned’’. But no one has dared to go up there. There were many stories but the most extravagant was from Luna Lovegood who explained how Fluffy, the three headed dog who once
guarded the corridors, has now ‘’lost a head since an encounter in the forbidden forest with
Aragon’’. All these stories confirm my biggest fear. That corridor is full of danger and mysterious
things that don’t want to be disturbed.
Now that I had heard all the stories I decided to take the risk- after all stories are just stories right?
I took the staircases up to the famous floor and stumbled up to the door dizzy from accidently
getting on the wrong moving staircase. The heavy wooden door was already open; swinging in
the wind- a slow long creaking sound was caused by the old hinges which have been there for
centuries. I peak my head around the door and gasp. The corridor was empty but incredibly eerie.
It was a mess; tables upturned, candle burned down to the wick, ivy flourishing on the walls.
Lights flicker creating a sinister glow over the gleaming slimy walls. I see a door to my right and I
try to open it but the lock is too strong and I end up desperately shaking and turning the door
knob in an attempt to break in. I walk past statues of past and present wizards and witches frozen
in permanently smiling faces; they seem out of place. Making the corridor seem creepier somehow because they are so happy- too happy.
Suddenly there is a bang and a crash then a long scream; it is high pitched it feels like my ears are
being shattered to one million pieces. The scream shatters the glass. A section of the ceiling collapses and now it’s my turn to scream. The candles blew out from an invisible wind. I knew it was
time to get out. I sprinted down the corridor, back the way I came, past all the cold stone statues
who are now reaching out to me; trapping me. I see the door up ahead and throw myself through
it. Safe. And not a second too soon.
Now I see why people never return why people are discouraged from going there. It may have
been a figment of my imagination, you never know, but I’m sure I heard someone calling my
name; my maiden name that no one else knows except me and my husband. I shiver; a cold feeling all the way down my spine. The 3rd floor corridor should be avoided at all costs.
I can’t help but wonder- why? Why the 3rd floor? Why the fear sparked in everyone’s eyes when I
mention the name? Why at Hogwarts? Well these questions I can’t answer but there is one thing I
do know- that place is creepy and it’s not the place you want to be with the dark lord on the loose.
By Nicola Twinning
V o l u m e
1 ,
I ss u e
1
P a g e
Ask Trelawney...
Dear Professor Trelawney, do you know if
Hagrid and I will ever
get married?-Madam
Maxine
Ah, dear, let me see
now…oh I do see wedding bells in your future…perhaps…
Dear Professor Trelawney, I don’t have much
success in the dating
department, but do
you know if Ginny
likes me?-Harry Potter
Child, you are not seeing the truth – go to
Specsavers.
Dear Professor Trelawney, do you think I
will ever find happiness?-Severus Snape
Snape dear, you have a
good heart but I fear
that this may not be
your path…I see an
early grave I’m
afraid…
Dear Professor Trelawney, my spider has
gone missing, do you
know where it is?Rubeus Hagrid
Oh Hagrid, not again…
if you find him, tell
him to keep his
“children” under
control…please…
they’re causing havoc
in the girls dorms.
Dear Professor Trelawney, the other students
make fun of me, what
can I do about this?Luna Lovegood
Ah Luna dear, the trick
is to make them think
you’re crazier than
you really are. That
way they’ll stay out of
your way…
Have an enquiry? Don’t
be afraid to ask! I will
always answer your
questions…the best I can
that is…Love Professor
Trelawney x
The Wandering Witch of Hogwarts
The Wandering Witch of Hogwarts
On your various escapades around
Hogwarts today you may have witnessed a terrifying sight; Bellatrix
Lestrange wandering free around
the castle. Her first major sighting
was in the great hall this morning,
when she attempted to sabotage the
year 7‟s rendition of “double double toil and trouble”. Thankfully
for everyone, she had a (typical)
moment of vanity, and proceeded
to join in, adding to the atmosphere
of the song.
She was next sighted at History of
Magic, where she began wrecking
havoc on the witch trials and hexing people left right and centre.
She has also been glimpsed causing
mayhem in the Weasley‟s Wizard
Wheezes by crumpling up vital
instructions and stealing people‟s
food. We now believe she is largely
behind the truly spine-chilling ambience of the third floor corridor, as a
brave reporter stated they had seen
her entering the area which was
strictly forbidden by the Headmaster
himself, hearing dark magic and
curses from behind the door.
Throughout the day she has been
seen bothering the ghosts, picking on
the house elves and making the potions classrooms smell horrific, with
seemingly no direction or higher
intent. We can only assume she is
causing this trouble at the Dark
Lord‟s bidding, and any student who
catches a glimpse of her should
swiftly report it to an authority to
prevent any future chaos.
Reported by Kate Holland
1 4
P a g e
1 5
T h e
D a i l y
P r o p h et
Get Well Soon, Sir Cadogen!
Madam
Pomfrey was
forced to accept a
Hogwarts portrait
into the Hospital
wing last week, after Sir Cadogen
fell victim of a brutal bludgeoning.
well hidden divination
classroom.
His attack occurred
after visiting the portrait of
Barnabus the Barmy
Sir Cadogen,
(a notoriously irritating knight) usually
features in his portrait
on the seventh floor
of Hogwarts. Many
young students have (attempting to train trolls at
followed his direcballet), also on the seventh
tions around the cas- floor, on Thursday 7th July
tle, particularly to the
2011. Sir Cadogen is said to have
observed the trolls attempting to
harm Barnabus, and challenged
them to a duel. The resulting attack is said to have been so violent, it was heard in the Ravenclaw tower, on the opposite side
of the school. Sir Cadogen then
rushed back to his portrait, which
was soon carried to the Hospital
wing by some passing Hufflepuff
students.
Sir Cadogen is now recovering smoothly. He will be returning to the seventh floor in
late July, in time for the end of
term. We all wish him well!!
By Juliet Standbridge
Has he been trying to convince
you to join his forces again?”
Interview with the coolest
child in school – Draco
Malfoy
I interviewed my beloved
nephew, Draco Malfoy, about
how he is finding school life at
this appalling excuse of an educational influence. I have no
idea why Cissy sent poor Draco
to Hogwarts, the school that is
fascinated by the inferior race
of Muggles.
“So Draco, my dear, how is
school going?”
Draco “It’s going fine aunty. I
do not particularly want to be
here, but I suppose I have to
follow what Dumbledore says.”
“You do not have to do anything you don’t want to. So,
how does it feel to be part of
the Dark Lords team?”
Draco “No aunty! This is my decision and I want to make it myself. I
want to please you, father, and
mother, but I don’t want to kill too
many people. I didn’t even kill
Dumbledore when I was asked to!
Surely the Dark Lord will not trust
me to do anything anymore?”
Draco “Oh Aunty, I know you
love the Dark Lord. However,
I do not know where my allegiances lie. I’m so confused!
My whole family follows the
Dark Lord, but I feel like I am
being pressured to follow
him too and I do not know if
that is what I truly want!”
“What is this nonsense?!
Draco, of course you want to
follow the Dark Lord. It is the
best way to live, has Harry
Potter been speaking to you?
“Draco, this conversation is over.
You doubt your skills for no reason. You are part of the Dark Lords
army, and don’t forget it.”
As you can see, Draco was having
a very insecure day, which must
have been because that Ronald
Weasley had put a spell on him…
no, that ginger biscuit’s not clever
enough to do that, it must have
been that Hermione mudblood.
They will get the same punishment
in the end; the Dark Lord will take
‘Care’ of Magical Creatures
The heavily wooded
corridors of Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry find themselves
not only buzzing with
excited students, excited about the current events but with
Magical Creatures
creating havoc. Hogwarts game-keeper and
Care of Magical Creatures
professor, Rubeus Hagrid
has caused possibly the
most riotous day in the history of the school. He,
though fully trusted by
headmaster Professor
Dumbledore, has made an
unforgivable mistake as he
has voluntarily released all
creatures used for his student’s studies.
The monstrosity of
a werewolf becoming a
teacher only a mere 3 years
ago is now seen as a minor
issue after today’s events.
As Nifflers, Flobberworms
and Blast-Ended Screwts are
among the many creatures wreaking havoc throughout the school,
the most horrific to consider is the
killing of a unicorn. Thought to be
the worst of Hagrid’s actions to
date, the unicorn was found dead
on the outskirts of the Forbidden
Forest. Everyone in the wizarding
world is aware of the chilling truth
that comes from the killing of such
a pure and beautiful creature, so it
came to no surprise that a dampened, shocked atmosphere has
spread throughout the castle.
Dumbledore had no comments to
make on the event, making the
fear towards Hagrid grow ever
stronger. Harry Potter, a close
friend of Hagrid’s ever since his
defeat of You-Know-Who, stands
by his friend stating that “He
would never cause any harm to
come to the school or students, he
loves this place too much”.
As creatures run riot
through the halls and grounds of
Hogwarts, students cause the
problems to rise as they run away,
encourage them further and even
join in! All day teachers have been
frantically trying to control the
situation, but to no avail. Hagrid
made no comment on the subject
when asked, merely grunting
and striding off towards his
cabin the grounds. Some
sources say that he is under
the Imperius Curse by none
other than He-Who-Must-Not
-Be-Named, a notorious dark
wizard who has been spotted
throughout the day.
As Hogwarts teachers
begin to control the situation,
Hagrid has been escorted to
Azkaban where he will be
kept until the truth is found.
Curse by none other than
He-Who-Must-Not-BeNamed, a notorious dark
wizard who has been spotted throughout the day.
As Hogwarts teachers begin to control the
situation, Hagrid has been
escorted to Azkaban where
he will be kept until the
truth is found.
By Katy Hills
Harry’s New Look
Harry Potter, the mischievous young wizard
has ditched the old school boy look and has
opted for the “Hot Harry” style. He has finally
had enough of the ridiculous glasses and chosen instead the modern brilliance of contact
lenses. With all this new attention he says „I
feel like it‟s a dream!‟ How will Potter fare in
Hogwarts? How will his fellow schoolmates
react to this dramatic change? Find out in an
exclusive interview in tomorrow‟s edition of
The Daily Prophet.
By Anna Heslop and Amelia Noble
A huge THANK YOU from Mrs Skeeter-West!
The Daily Prophet has been an astounding success – our news room was a veritable
hotbed of rattling keyboards, quick-fire punning, top quality gossip and a healthy dose of
scandal! If you like what you have read, or enjoyed being a reporter for the day, join The
Becky Highlights in September – look out in the bulletin for our next meeting.
Huge thanks to our team of journalists: Kanika Banwait, Emma Roberts, Sophie
Alexander, Aayushi Bhargava, Nicola Twinning, Bethany Beaden, Ellen Grey Morgan,
Olivia Caesar, Anna Heslop, Natasha Chowdhry, Anne Gill, Juliet Standbridge 10ACH,
Ursula Grover, Rhiannon Ralph, Katie Holland, Cheraya Alam, Isabelle Stroud, Katy Hills,
Hannah Lewis, Amelia Noble, Emma Couves, Stephanie Higgins, Lily Dickson and sixth
formers Vicky Hawley, Alex Goode and Michelle Tang.
Popular Student Killed By You-Know-Who
Today marks the death of Hannah Abbott, the Hogwarts student who failed to fight for her life. He- Who
-Must-Not-Be-Named killed her with one evil curse. It is unknown as to how he entered the school and
extra measures have been taken to ensure that this will never happen again. Friends of Hannah described her as a kind loving person who sacrificed her life for the greater good of the wizarding world.
This tragic event has lead to riots all across Hogwarts. When You-Know-Who left the famous dark mark
in the sky, there was a chilling silence which spread across the whole castle. Dumbledore immediately
called Azkaban to get Dementors to patrol the building and above all, protect the all so legendary Harry
Potter. This news has shocked all students as they are feeling the mixed emotions associated with her
unexpected death.
By Anna Heslop and Amelia Noble