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. . 413 .. 253 .9887
Are You Willing to
Take a Stand?
By Rob Okun
hen Michelle Vanleeuwen was murdered
by her male partner in Northampton,
Mass., on October 14, a vigil was held
a Jew days later to honor her memory. In my
capacity as co-executive director of the Men's
Resource Center, I was asked to speak. What
follows is a version of my remarks.
W
It has been nearly five years since we have
had to ga th er h ere in this way-to come
together as a community to express our grief
and our anger. Another woman killed by
anoth e r man . Another life extinguished
because a man was angry, or insecure , or
upset , or out of control.
As a community, as a society-and , for my
brothers among us here today, as men-! have
a question: How much longer are we going to
stand on the sidelines, not taking some action to do
something to worh to prevent domestic violence?
How cruel that Michele Vanleeuwen's
murder took place in the middle of Domestic
Violence Awareness Month. How bitter that
it happened a little more than a week after
men and women joined the Men's Resource
Center 's 40-mile Springfield-to -Greenfield
"Men's Walk to End Abuse."
The seeds of men 's violence are sown early
in our lives. They are sown by a society that
consistently sen ds boys the wrong message
about what it means to be a man. Even still,
the vast majority of men are good and caring
and do not act abusively. There are many men
who want to help but haven't stepped forward
or asked h ow. To th em I ask:
''Are you willing to take a stand-to say
NO! to violence against women?"
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lf your answer is "Yes," then here is something you can do. Five years ago, in the wake
ofjean Hosmer's murder, the MRC's Michael
Dover conceived the idea of producing informational action cards to address domestic abuse.
On one side the cards are head-lined , Is This
You? and on th e oth er side, Is This Someone
!6u Know? Below the headlines is a list describing
nine abusive beh aviors.
The cards give both men acting abusively,
and anyone who knows of such men, a way to
begin the conversation-internal or external
-to address abusive behavior Since we began
producing these cards, tens of thousands have
been printed, for free, by Baystate Health System
and distributed in Hampden , Hampshire and
Franklin Counties. And they work: we get calls
from men saying th ey've read the cards and
recognize that they need help . Though we
can never know for certain , one of those cards
may have saved a woman's life .
I'd like to see 50 men-preferably men who
have never before stepped forward to confront
violence against women-to volunteer to each
distribute five display boxes with these cards
to stores, malls, doctors' offices, fimess centers,
cafes and bars and factories-everywhere
and anywhere. That would be one concrete
act men can take.
Michele would soon have rumed 50. That's
why we are choosing to invite 50 men to each
symbolically represent one year of her rragically
shortened life.
As we grieve Michele Vanleeuwen, let us
also in the days ahead renew our commitment
-or begin to find a way-to take a stand
against domestic violence. Doing so will not
only add meaning to Michele 's life, but will
also allow her memory-and our commitment
-to bum brightly for a long time to come.
To take up the challenge, contact me at
[email protected] or call (413)
253-9887, ext. 20.
This issue of Voice Male fe·a(4res a range of
men taking up the challenge to heal and to
grow. ln ''A 'Good' White Man" (page 8)
contributor Robert jensen offers a brutally
honest personal assessment of how the inner
workings of racism impact even '~ good" white
men. How men can grow and heal from a
divorce is the subject of David]. 's sensitive
rendering, "A Walk in the Woods: One Man's
Divorce journey" (page 10). Men Overcoming
Violence program director Russell BradburyCarlin's story, "My Bully: Howl Dealt with
a Boy's Worst Nightmare" is a poignant, funny
and tender account of how he eventually
triumphed over his tormentor (page 12). ln
"Can We Build a Men's Movement One Community at a Time?'', Steven Botkin, former MRC
executive director, shares his vision of expa,nding
the Men's Resource Center model into a
national coalition (page 14). Men's educator
Jim HineS explores men's shadow side in '"Bad
Guys' Among Us : Rapists and Batterers Aren't
Just TV Villains" (page 15). In Color Lines,
frequent contributor Haji Shearer gives readers
a peek into what happened at a powerful
African-American father and son week-end in
"Fathers' Rites: Healing and Growth for Fathers
and Sons" (page 16). In "Show and Tell" (page
17) , managing editor Michael Burke's Fathering
column offers a warm look at what happens
when fathers remember when to teach and
when to listen. Les Wright's rich OutLines
column, "Bear Essentials: A Different Kind
of Gay Identity" (page 18), a look at part of
gay subculture. Steven Morr-Wineman uses
his own experience of childhood trauma for
a revealing Notes from Survivors column,
"My Power, My Powerlessness " (page 20) .
Finally, Ian Trefethen's Voices of Youth column
argues that "Voting Is Not the Only Way to
Make Change" (page 22). Please write us with
your ideas for change!
May the holidays and new year be peace
filled for you and yours .
TABLE OF CONTE NTS
Features
A "Good " White Man: Facing the Racism We
Keep Hidden Inside . .
. .... 8
By Robert jensen
A Walk in the Woods:
One Man's Divorce j ourney . . . . . . . . . .
By David].
. .... 10
My Bully:
How l Dealt with a Boy's Worst Nightmare ..... . 12
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Can We Build a Men's Movement One
Community at a Time? .
.14
By Steven Botkin
"Bad Guys" Among Us: Rapists and Batrerers Aren't
just TV Villains .
. . . .15
By jim Hines
Columns &Opinion
From the EditOr
Co-Directors' Voice
Mail Bonding . . . . . . . .. .. .. . .. .. . .
Men @ Work .
.. 2
.. .3
. . .... 4
.5
Color Lines .
.16
Fathers' Rites: Healing and Growth fo r Fathers and
Sons
By Haji Shearer
Fathering ........... ..
Show and Tell
By Michael Burke
.. . .17
Outlines ................... . .......... 18
Bear Essentials: A Di!ferenr Ki nd of Gay Identity
ByLes Wright
GBQ Resources .
.19
Notes from Survivors ....... . .... . . .. ..... 20
My Power, My Powerlessness
By Steven Morr-Wineman
Poetry
.... 21
Every two minutes in my madness l won<ler
By jonathan Klate
Voices of Youth . ......................... 22
Voting Is Not the Only Way to Make Change
By Ian Trefethen
Resources
' ' ' ' ' ' ' . . ''' .. '' ... ' . . '' '. 24
Thank You
'' .25
Calend~r.
' ' ' ' .26
.. 27
MRC Programs & Services
On the cover: MRC wall<ei'S gather at Springfield City Hall.
Photo by Steven Botl<in
The Militarization
of Politics
Admin istrative Staff
Executive Directors - Rob Okun, Michael Dover
Director of Operations - Carl Erikson
Administrative Assistant- Gretchen Craig
Men Overcoming VIolence
Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Clinical Supervisor - Sara Elinoff
Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel
Psrtner Services Coordinator - Jan Eidelson
Franklin County Coordinator -Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator - Scott Girard
Group Leaders - Karen Fogliatli, Scott Girard, Steve
Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Bill
Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel
Support Programs
Director -Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi,
Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Darren Engstrom,
Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gabor Lukacs,
Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Rob Parte!, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon
Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone,
John Trainor. Peter Venman
Youth Programs
Director - Allan Arnaboldi
Group Leader - Paul Collins
Consultants ·- James Arana, Edgar Cancel
Voice Male Magazine
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor - Michael Burke
Designer - m. rajas design
Board of Directors
Chair - Peter Jessop
VIce Chair - Mathew Ouellet
Clerk/Treasurer - Charles Bodhi
Members - Jenny Daniell; Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Tom
Gardner, Nancy Girard, Yoko Kato, Sudhakar Vamathevan
Executive Director Emeritus - Steven Botkin
Editor's Nota
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views
of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome
letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of
interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot
be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned
and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return
envelope. Send to Vo ice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St.,
Amherst, MA 01002; e-mail queries and articles to
[email protected].
Advertising
For rates and deadlines call Vo ice Male Advertising at
(413) 253-9887, Ext. 20.
Men's Resource Center
[email protected]
By Michael Dover and Rob Oku n
F
rom Michael Moore practically begging
retired general Wesley Clark to enter the
primaries, to the eventual Democratic
nominee's first words at his party's convention
-"''m John Kerry and I'm reporting for
duty!"-the militarization of our political life
provided the foundation for the campaign
of 2004. Lest he feel slighted , etched into
memory is the sight of George W Bush in his
flight suit on the deck of an aircraft carrier
proclaiming "Mission Accomplished." That
before another several hundred of our young
men and women (and thousands of Iraqis)
met their deaths in his ongoing quagmire of
mass deception .
Senator Kerry, a man who in a sense began
his political career as an antiwar advocate ,
chose to stand before the nation as a war hero,
telling the American people they could trust
him to use as much force as George W Bush
had used-and more, if necessary. Over the
course of the campaign both Bush and Kerry
surrounded themselves with veterans and
retired generals to underscore the notion that
strength equates with the willingness to commit
great violence .
oppression around the world-often underwritten by U.S. foreign policy and interests.
There was no possibility of reflecting on why
the United States is viewed as a bully in so
many countries, friend and foe alike . How
could there be from someone who revels in
joking that "swaggering" is just Texas-speak
for "walking"?
We're drawn inevitably to the connection
between the campaign rhetoric and our culture's
stereotypical view of masculinity. This was
not an election in which people were looking
for a nurturing male, a reflective or even careful
thinker. Fear, not only of terroris ts but also
of gay marriage, drove people to seek the man
who best embodied the strong, authoritative,
even (if necessary) tyrannical fa ther image.
Who would be toughest? Who would, in Kerry's
terms, "kill and cap ture" terrorists? Who
would protect us fro m those gender nonconformists who were daring to ask for simple
justice and fairness? Who would rule the roost
and keep everyone in line?
To be sure, Kerry talked about health care,
stem cell research, and economic fairness . It
seems, though, that these more "nurturing"
messages failed to hold the attention. of the
electorate. Reports in the aftermath of the
election indicated that "moral values " (no t
Iraq, the war on terror, the economy, health
care, etc.) led the list of issues on which most
voters based their dec:1Sion. Election day also
saw ll states vo ting to define marriage as
between a woman and a man. So, was "moral
values" actually a code phrase for opposition
to gay marriage? Or, more generally, is it
nostalgia for traditional patriarchal roles?
We think both were implied: keep gays in
their place (preferably invisible), and while
you 're at it, keep men in control and women
under control. (Incredibly, vigorously opposing
It's probably no surprise to our readers that • going to war based on lies apparently doesn't
we both personally worked to defeat the newly
hold up as a moral value.) A majority of voters
elected president. Practically speaking, doing
were evidently more interested in someone
so was an aq of support for Kerry. Despite
who would take charge of us than someone
his rhetoric about increasing the size of the
who would take care of us .
military and all the ways he would make us
What this election says abou t the mood
tougher, we believed him to be capable of a
of the country- at least the 51 percent who
much more layered and nuanced approach
voted for Bush-tells us that the work of the
to solving the problems we face in the world .
MRC (and all like-minded organizations) is
To us, Mr. Bush represents a serious threat
needed more than ever. If ever we are going
to the peace and safety of all of us , and not
to have a society that cares more abou t the
just those who don't share his questionable
people left behind than the people in power,
if ever we are to have a political debate that
faith-based values. We fear for the country and
th e world now that Bush has actually won
is more concerned with compassion than with
control, then we all have to take on the way
a term in office. Having said that, we regret
not only Bush's but Kerry's belligerent stance
boys become men and the way men become
when it came to world affairs .
empowered. Withou t these changes, we're
Kerry 's militaristic posturing reflected his
afraid that elections will continue to be a
campaign's understanding of what the voters
countrywide form of "domes tic" violence .
wanted to see and hear Bush's one-dimensional
response to the September n attacks and his
obsession with attacking any and all perceived
enemies successfully framed the electoral
debate. There was no room for talking about
the origins of terrorism in the poverty and
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MAIL BONDING
We Want to Hear from You!
Write us!
Please send typewritten ,
double-spaced letters to:
VOICE MALE
MRC
236 North Pleasant St.
Amherst, MA 01002
or FAX (413) 253-4801
v,oicemale @mensresourcecenter. org
Please includ,e address and phone. Letters
may be .edited for clarity and length .
,~; Deadline
for the Spring 200:? Issue
is February 5 , 200S ·
;,[JiT
Yes to War Crimes?
Re: "~s to Men, No to War" (Co-Directors' Voice,
Voice Male Summer 2004).
If a client of MRC were to claim that it's
OK for him to beat his wife, would you
disagree? Or, would you say nothing, and
offer to support him in that decision? I
suspect you would find a way to let him
krww that his behavior was unacceptable
and that he must stop.
Assuming that's the case , why don' t you
convey the same message to soldiers who
are guilty of far greater crimes? Absent
such a message , th e idea of "support"
serves to condone what U.S . soldiers are
doing in Iraq .
Voice Male's Widening Reach
l would like to share an interesting story
about my first exposure to Voice Male and the
Men's Resource Center. About a year and a
half ago, l was working in Guatemala with a
maternal and child health/feminisr/community
mobilization/social justice organization that
provides home- and field-based life saving skills
training to indigenous Guatemalan midwives.
One of the services that the director of Midwives
for Midwives offers at the midwifery clinic
that MFM operates is a lending library for
students, volunteers , clients , and midwives.
lt has everything from Our Bodies, Ourselves
to socio-anthropological analysis of midwives
in the Quiche region of Guatemala to Where
There Is No Doctor to obstetrical texts .
Interestingly enough , it also has several
issues of Voice Male. A magazine that claims
to "explore male positive, pro-feminist, gayaffirmative, ami-racist issues and ideas"
certainly caught my attention . I happily read
it, suggested that my fa ther and brother check
it out, smiled a bit and thought about some
of th e articles, and then relegated it to the
back of my mind .
When I moved to the Boston area and began
working with Latino men with astounding
histories of violence, I thought of the Men's
Resource Center as a potential resource for
innovative and culturally specific methods to
begin to work with these issues. Imagine
my delight to discover that th e MRC is in
Massachusetts! And even better, they referred
me for more resources to longtime former
MRC staffer juan Carlos Ard.n , who is right
here in Boston! Keep up with spreading malepositive, pro-feminist, gay-affirmative, antiracist issues and ideas. Thanks !
Take the e-Train
-'«:·
You're' not alr~ady getting the Mer~;> ,
Resource Center eNewsletter? Okay;
don' t feel bad ; not everyone's gotten
the word yet. But don' t be th e last
oq your listserv. After all, it's:£
informative and monthly. The eN
letter gives you the latest-breaking
news of the MRC, updates on evel'\tz;.
and time-sensitive information t " '
do~sn't make irinto the pag
Voice Male.
'
Maya Doe-Simkins, MPH
PACT Project- Fuerza Latina Program Manager
Boston, Mass.
jon Nelms
Amherst, Mass.
The authors reply
Mr. l>lelms raises an important point. It 's
difficult to say we support members of the
armed services when we know that some,
perhaps many, have killed innocent civilians
or committed other acts that we find abhorrent. Even more troubling is the fact that their
participation in the war perpetuates a policy
that we firmly oppose. But we also realize that
there are thousands of men and women in
Iraq who are human beings first and soldiers
second. That the entire Iraq war is an atrocity
we have no doubt. But, as we learn ed in
Vietnam, there is no value to condemning all
service members for the crimes of some (the
latter of course including their commanderin-chieO .
Michael Dover and Rob Okun
..........................................
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VOLUNTEER WITH :
VOICE MALE!
.
Interested? (413) 253-9887 or :
: [email protected] :
:
:
.........................................
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The Power of
Positive ·Eating
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~ Whole Grain Bakery • Delicatessen • Cafe ~
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WHOLE FOODS MARKET
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Hazing and the Old M:asculinity}e
In the C<!pe Cod rown of S<~ndwich, MG\Ss.,
two teen<~ge boys, members of ihe S<~ndwich
H igh footb<~ll t e <~m , were ch<~rg ed in
October with assault and battery after
a
cancer is related to the horm one estrogen,
in both sexes, and fat cells produce estrogen,
making obesity a possible factor. But breast
cancer also occurs in many men (and women)
who aren't obese or even overweight.
Despite the increase , male breast cancer
amounts to less than 1 percent of all breast
cancers and less than 1 percent of malignancies in men, according to Giordano . But
the 25 percent increase in cases from 1973
to 1998 that Giordano and her team studied
remai.ns troubling.
"While it's not a? high of an increase in
cases as that in women, men should be alert
to the possibility that the disease could affect
them," Giordano said .
Compared to female patients , men with
breast cancer were older when diagnosed and
were more likely to have advanced disease
that had spread. Tumors are actually easier
to de,tect manually in men than in women,
but doctors may be misdiagnosing lumps as
gynecomastia, a benign enlargement of the
breasts , according to Giordano .
Men's Center Takes on
Homelessness in New Mexico
Green Teafor Your Prostate?
Drinking green tea has been found to be
h ealthy in o th er ways, but some recent
res earch sugges ts it may help men avoid
getting prostate cancer. A study carried out
by Australian researchers on nearly 400
Chinese men found that those men who
drank green tea regularly
reduced their risk of prostate ·
cancer by two-thirds .
The Australian team noted
that the incidence of prostate
cancer is much higher in
Australia than in China-80
in every 100,000 men versus
1. 74 in every 100 ,000 men
-and wondered why. Looking
at a group of about 130 prostate
cancer patients .and another
group of about 250 men who
did not have cancer, they found
that the men without cancer
were drinking more green tea
than those with cancer. Put
another way, the men who drank
green tea every day had one-third the risk of
prostate cancer, compared to those who didn't
drink it .
Professor Colin Binns, of Australia's Curtin
University, says that it's the antioxidants in
green tea that make it so healthy. Black tea
also has antioxidants, but because of its
fermentation process it contains fewer antioxidants than green tea. So black tea is still
good, but green tea is better.
Researchers say that green tea also appears
to reduce the risk of ovarian cancer in women
-and that women who already have ovarian
cancer live longer if they drink
it. Some studies have also
shown that green tea may be
beneficial for cancers of the
cervix and the bre<~St, but as in
much of this type of research,
more studies need to be done.
Stay tuned.
Breast Cancer and
Men: It Can Happen
The good news for males:
breG\St cancer is still extremely
rare among men-just 1,600
CG\Ses predicted for 2004. The
bad news: there 's been a 25
percent increase in male breast
cancer in the past 25 years , according to
Dr. Sharon Giordano of the University ofTexas
M.D . Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.
No one seems to know the reason for the
increase , although the incidence of breast
cancer has risen among women as well. Breast
Sometimes men's work seems as if it's solely
about running men's groups , doing barterers'
intervention , or raising consciousness about
harmful aspects of masculinity. Bu.t some
men in New Mexico have stepped up to lend
their efforts toward solving one of our most
intractable social problems: homelessness.
The Men's Resource Center of Northern
New Mexico, based in Taos, recently helped
found the Taos Coalition to End Homelessness. According to the organization's codirector Paul Zelizer, Taos County is one of
the poorest areas of the United States and
has a significant homeless population (an
estimated 60 to 70 people living on the
streets plus hundreds of others families and
individuals sleeping in tents, cars, and RVs) .
There is currently no shelter or organization
in the coun ty with a mission to explicitly
serve the homeless, according to Zelizer. The
men's center has been quietly serving homeless people in its Resource & Referral program
for more than three years , handing out
blankets, warm clothes, food and more on an
as-available basis. Now the organization hopes
to shine a brighter spotlight on homelessness
· in the region by furthering the work of the
Taos Coalition and getting other organizations involved.
For more information on the Men's Resource
Center of Northern New Mexico , go to their
website, www. mensresource.org.
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IS THIS YOU? ...
... OR IS THIS SOMEONE
YOU KNOW?
If you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or
they may have a prohlem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men
Overcoming Violence , men ccm learn to change. Call us to s hedule a confidential
appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.
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MOVE MEN OVERCOMIN.G VIOLENCE
Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Sprinffi.eld: (413) 734-3438
Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994
Young Fathers' Group Grant
The Irene E. and George A. Davis Foundation
has awarded a grant to the Men's Resource
Center to run a young fathers' group in
Springfield, Mass., beginning early in 2005 .
In collaboration with New North Citizens'
Council, the MRC will conduct a pilot project, a 10- to 12-week series for fathers,
particularly those with children under the
age of five years, which will help men become
more committed and involved dads . Group
facilitators will focus on helping participants
clarify their role as fathers and develop comfort
in interacting with their children. To help them
sustain what they have learned , facilitators
will also work with the young fath ers to
establish their own support systems around
parenting and to develop their self-esteem
as involved parents. For more information
about this project, contact Allan Arnaboldi
at [email protected] or
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10 . .
Anger Management Heats Up
Anger management. No, not the movie with
jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler. This is the
real thing. For the first time ever, Voice Male's
publisher, the Men's Resource Center is offering
anger management groups for adults, one each
for men and women. The 15-week, hour and
a half classes, each led by two experienced
MRC facilitators, are available to any man or
woman who is struggling with life stress and
anger issues, feels like his or her hfe has gotten
out of control, and doesn't know where to
rum . Costs for the program are $50 for the
intake interview and $20 per class. For more
information, go to the MRC website or contact
coordinator joy Kaubin at [email protected] or (413) 253-9588, ext. 23.
contact MOVE director Russell BradburyCarlin at [email protected] or
call (413) 253-9588 , Ext. 40.
New and Old Faces at the MRC
The Men's Resource Center is pleased to
welcome two new people to its Amherst office.
Gretchen Craig has joined the staff as
administrative assistant for development.
Gretchen graduated from the University of
Southern California with a major in gender
studies and worked several years with youth
agencies in Los Angeles before returning to
her native Northampton, Mass. Paul Collins ,
a graduate student in social justice education
at the University of Massachusetts, is interning
as facilitator of the MRC 's young men's
leadership group . Paul is a longtime resident
of Amherst and has worked in youth programs
for many years.
.
Donating Your Car?
There's Still Time
If you've been thinking about donating a
vehicle to support the Men's Resource Center,
you should know that the tax rules regarding
vehicle donation will change beginning in
2005. To take advantage of the current tax
advantage, go to the MRC website and click
on "Donate Your Car" and then follow the
directions . Please do not contact the MRC
directly about vehicle donation; the organization subscribes to an on-line service that
handles all the details of the transaction and
then sends the MRC a ch eck for the net
proce~;:ds after deducting their costs. That
service also maintains a toll-free phone number
in case you want to find out more about the
program. And, of course, you can always donate
dollars directly to the MRG by clic;king on
"Donate N"ow" on any page of the website,
or send a check via postal mail. to MRC, 236
North Pleasant Street, Amherst MA 01002.
Men Overcoming Violence:
It's a Long-term Commitment
Over the years of working with men who have
been abusive in their in timate relationships,
staff of MRC's 15-year-old Men Overcoming
Violence program (MOVE) have learned that
the greatest successes come with those who
make a long-·rh m commitme..H{ to ~)lang"e.
The MOVE Follow-Up Groups have been
instrumental ip. helping those rnel"l: stay with
the work and build healthy relationships.
Recently, MOVE staff and current and former
clients met to revitalize th e follow-up group
approach and groups were expec ted to be
up and running by the first of the year. For
more information about the follow-up groups,
Also, the MRC's support groups now have
four new volunteer facilitators: jerry Levinsky,
Gary Stone (who returns after a leave of
absence), John Trainor, and Peter Venman
have completed their training and have joined
the facilitator team, which provides leadership
for five men's support groups in Amherst,
Northampton, and Greenfield, Mass.
James Arana , a consultant to the you th
programs for three years, is taking a temporary
leave from those respon"sibilities due to a
significant increase in his workload. Julius
Ford, who also has been a consultant in the
youth programs, no longer leading the. MRC's
Young Men of Color group. Active in largerscale youth programming efforts in Springfield,
1 Mass.,julius will likely continue to cross paths
with the MRC, particularly at the organization's
Springfield office. "julius provided valuable
service to the MRC during the past year, and
we wish him well in his future work," Said .
MRC co-di'rector Michael Dover.
basis , and then th at's a perfect set-up for
conflict," says Linda Waite, co-director of the
University of Chicago's Alfred P. Sloan Center
on Parents, Children and Work. Waite has
found that straigh t married parrners often have
differing perceptions on how much housework each is do ing . If this is the case and
the spouses do not communicate effectively
wi th one another, trouble is on the way. As
one marriage therapist puts it, "Even the
smallest problem can become major in the
eyes of one beholder." So what's the solution?
Kathleen Gerson, co-author of The Time Divide:
Work , Family and Gender Inequality, says it's
all about perception.
While times may have changed, men still
feel pressure to be breadwinners and women
still feel they should keep the home fire burning
and the hearth clean. An emotional minefield
awaits those couples expecting perfect equality,
says Gerson, adding that it is crucial to create
a situation each partner perceives as fair.
Doing More Than the
.Dishes, Honey?
A recent govern ment study of how (heterosexual) Americans use their time found what
many couples' therapists already know-the
gender gap in housework persists. On average,
today's working woman does about twothirds of the household chores, regardless
of whether the couple has children or not.
The negative results go farther than a case
of dishpan hands .
In a world of shifting expectations and gender
roles, pay disparities and conflicting societal
pressures, more and more different-sexed
couples are struggling in their efforts to find
a balance at home. "Anytime the rules· aren't
clear, you have to negotiate on a case-by-case
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7
A "Good" White Man
Facing the Racism We Keep Hidden I .side
By Robert Jensen
Why all of this drama? It was because I fancied
myself one of the "good" white people, one
of the antiracist white people.
But in that moment, I had to confront
that which I had not yet relinquished: the
basic psychological features of racism. As
Payne talked honestly of struggling with a
sense of inferiority, I had to face that I had
never really shaken a sense of my superiority.
As I write these words, the feeling of that
moment of sadness returns. Do not mistake
this for superficial shame or guilt. Do not
describe me as a self-indulgent white liberal.
The sadness I feel is not for me. The sadness
is about how deeply embedded in me is that
fundamental reality of racism-the assumption that white people are superior.
That doesn' t mean I'm a racist. It doesn't
mean my political work or efforts in the
Eventually, I made the obvious connection:
part of the reason the struggle Payne described
is so hard for African Americans is because
white behavior is a constant expression of that
feeling of superiority, both subtle and overt.
I recalled my feeling of superiority as we
had taken our seats. I had assumed, despite
all! knew about Les Payne, his record, and
his speaking ability, that l would be the
highlight of the panel.
Why?
It might be because I'm an egotistical white
boy. Maybe I'm a white boy with delusions
classroom don't matter. Instead, it means
that what l say to my students about racethat the dynamics of domination and subordination run deep , affecting us in ways we
don't always see clearly- is true not only in
theory. It is also true in my own psyche .
Payne's words forced me to feel what I had
long known. That wasn't his intention; he
was speaking to the audience-which was
primarily African American-not to me .
Whatever the intent, he did me that service.
But I am most grateful to Payne not for thin,
but for something that happened later.
After the event, I was planning to drive
to Washington, D.C. When I mentioned that
to Payne, he asked if he could ride with me
and catch a flight from D.C. back to New York.
l jumped at the chance , in part because I
wanted to hear more about his research
for his forthcoming book on Malcolm X,
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of grandeur. But whatever my own personal
weaknesses are, one factor is obvious : I am
white and Payne is African American, and that
was the basis of my feeling .
The moment that particular feeling hit me,
l was left literally speechless, fighting back
tears, with a profound sense of sadness. I
struggled to focus , but it was difficult. Payne
finished, and Singley started her reading. When
the speaking period ended, I did my best to
answer questions . But I remained shaken.
stepped onto the speakers' platform at the
Virginia Festival of Books in Charlottesville
with Newsday editor Les Payne to discuss
our chapters in his book When Race Becomes
Real. Bernestine Singley, the other panelist,
had coedited the book.
As I walked to my seat, l was well aware of
Payne's impressive record. Of the two of us,
Payne is the more experienced journalist, has
won more prizes, has written more important
books, has traveled widely and reported on
more complex subjects, is older and has done
more in his life, and is a more commanding
speaker.
So as I sat down, I did what came naturally:
I felt superior to Les Payne. If it seems odd
that I would feel superior to someone I ~ew
to be more talented and accomplished than
I am, then here is another relevant fact: Les
Payne is African American, and I am white .
I didn't recognize that feeling of superiority
as I sat down. It wasn't until Payne started
speaking that my feeling became so painfully
clear to me.
Payne talked about how, as a teenager born
in the segregated South who attended high
school in the North, he had struggled to
overcome the internalized sense of inferiority
that grew from the environment in which he
had been raised. He talked about how deep
that sense of inherent inferiority can be for
African Americans .
Deep sadness, deeply embedded
but also because I wanted to talk to him
about what had happened to me on stage.
Les Payne is a gracious man ; he listened
to my story, nodding throughout.
After I had finished Payne did something
for which I will always be grateful: He didn't
forgive me. He made no attempt to make me
feel better. He didn't reassure me that I was,
in fact, one of the "good" white people . He
simply acknowledged what I had told him ,
said he understood , and continued our discussion about the politics of race in the
United States.
During the panel, without knowing it, Payne
had given me the gift of feeling uncomfortable.
In the car, perhaps with full knowledge of
what he was doing, he gave me the gift of not
letting me off the hook.
When I dropped him at the airport, I had
no illusions. The day had meant much more
to me than to him. He had been willing to
teach me something, and then he went on to
other things. His personal struggle with internalized inferiority was largely over ; his
chapter in When Race Becomes Real made
that clear, as did his interaction with me .
But I was left with the unfinished project
of dealing with my internalized sense of
superiority. And it was clear to both of us
that such a project was my responsibility,
not his.
"Good" white men
The story doesn' t end there.
On the platform with us was Bernestine
Singley, who is every bit as black as Les
Payne , and · every bit as accom1plished a
lawyer and writer. Why am I focusing on
him and not her? Why did he spark this
. realization in me and she did not?
In par~ it was because of what Payne
talked about on stage; his words had pushed
my buttons . Also , l have known Singley
longer and have a more established relationship with her. We live in different cities
and are not friends in a conventional sense,
but I consider her (and I hope she considers
As long as we whites beli~'ve we are better-deep
down, in places most of us have learned to hide-we will
not feel compelled to change a society in which black
unemployment is twice the white rate, and a white man
with a criminal record is more likely to be called back
for a job interview than a black man with no record.
me) a trustworthy ally and comrade in the
struggle, and a friend in that context. Singley
and I also have very different styles, and when
we appear on panels together we clearly are
not competing.
With all that said , it's also difficult to miss
the fact that Singley is a woman and Payne
is a man. There was not only a race dynamic
on stage, but also a gender dynamic. It's likely
that I was, in classic male fashion , focusing
on the struggle for dominance with the other
man on the panel.
This perception also is hard to face : In
addition to being a good white person, you
see, I'm also a "good man." I'm one of the men
on the "right side. " But I also am one of the men
who, whatever side he is on, struggles with the
reality of living in a male-supremacist society.
Introspection on these matters is difficult;
those of us in privileged positions often are
not in the best position to evaluate our own
behavior. But looking back on that day, it
appears to me I walked onto that platform with
an assumption of my inherent superiorityso deeply woven into me that I could not in
the moment see it-that had something to
do wi th race and gender.
From those assumptions , it is hard to reach
a conclusion, other than : I was a fool.
I use that term cons ciously, because
throughout history white people have often
cast blacks as the fool to shore up our sense
of superiority. But in that game , it is white
people who are the fo.ols , and it is difficult
and painful to confront that.
Somehow, I had allowed myself to believe
the story that a racist and sexist society still
tells . Yes, I know that jim Crow segregation
is gone and the overt ideology that supported
it is mostly gone. But in the struggle to change
the world , what matters is not only-what
the law says, or what "polite " people say in
public . What matters just as much, if not
more , is what .we really are, deep down.
Playing for keeps
All this matters not just because white people
should learn to be better or nicer, but because
as long as we whites believe we are betterdeep down, in places most of us have learned
to hide-we will not feel compelled to change
a society in which black unemployment is
twice the white rate. And in which, as a recent
study has found , a white man with a criminal
record is more likely to be called back for a
job interview than a black man with no record.
In the United States, the typical black
family has 58 percent of the income of a
typical white family. And at the slow rate the
black-white poverty gap has been narrowing
since 1968, it will take 150 years to close .
At the current rate, blacks and whites won' t
reach high school graduation parity until
2013-nearly 60 years after Brown v. Board
of Education.
That is an ugly society.
The first step for white people is to face that
ugliness , to tell the truth about the system
we live in and tell the truth about ourselves .
But that means nothing if we do not commit
to change-not just to change ourselves ,
but to change the system. We have to face
the ways in which white supremacy makes
white people foolish but forces others to pay
a much greater price .
We ~ave to stop playing the fool and start
playing for keeps .
Robert j ensen is a journalism professor at the
University of Texas at Austin. He is the author
of Citizens of the Empire : The Struggle to
Claim Our Humanity (City Lights Books).
It doesn't mean I'm a racist.
mean my political
>.work or efforts in the classroom
. don't matter. Instead, it means
·;that what I say to my students
• about race-that the dynamics
of domination and subordination
run deep, affecting us in ways
we don't always see clearly
-is true not only in theory. It
is also true in my own psyche.
.-~tdoesn't
HELP SUPPORT
MRC!
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Cornrrw.nity Grants
Help Us
$50,00o
to local community
non-profit organizations
We need your help again. In February, we are going to
donate $50,000 to local civic groups and charities and
we are asking ou r customers to help us decide where
the money will go . There's one vote per person and
to vou! you must be a customer of Florence Savings
Bank. Fill in this ballot and rerum it to any one of our
offices, or go on-line at wwwjlorencesavings.com, and
vote for the non-profit organization of your choice. To be
eligible to receive a Florence Savings Bank Customers'
Choice Community Grant, an organization must have
a current 50 1 (c)(3) certificate, or equivalent, agree to
spend the money on local needs, and receive more
than l % of the total vo te. Winning organizations will
be awarded a proportional sh are of the $50 ,000 .
Completed ballots must be received by December 31st.
We will announce the winners February. So, get out
the vo te and join us in supporting our community nonprofi t organiza tio ns
There's one vote per person and to vote you
must be a customer of Floreoce Savings Bank.
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The Men's Resource Center
NAME OF LOCAL COMMUNITY NON·PROFIT ORGANIZATION
236 North Pleasant St.
STREET ADDRESS
Resources
Project Implicit: https.//implicit.harvard.edu/implicif
to learn mor'e about hidden biases.
Whlteprlvllege .com: www.whiteprivilege.com
for antiracism resources , including "Defining
White Privilege ," by Kendall Clark.
Third Wave Foundation: www.thirdwavefoundation.org
to learn about the "I Spy Sexism " campaign .
Bernestine Singley and Derrick Bell , eds .,
When Race Becomes Real: Black and White Writers
Confront Their Personal Histories (Lawrence Hill
Books, 2004)
SURF OUR TURF!
Amherst MA 01002
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Visit the MRC's website
www.mensresourcecenter.org
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VI
9
One Man's Divorce Journey
A Walk in the Woods
By Davi d J.
orne memories don't fade, even when we
want them to. It was the Sunday a(ter
Thanksgiving, 1990, when my wife asked
me to take a walk with her. A few minutes into
the woods, she stopped and sat by a favorite
boulder and told me in so many words that
our marriage was about to end. Two years later,
to the day, we received our final divorce decree.
The journey that began with that walk in
the woods is one I continue today. That first
year was easily the worst of my life-full of
grief, anger, despair, and confusion. Certainly
the acute pain of those e?.rly years is gone,
but it's not hard to locate the ·scar, thar.place
where , like an old injury in damp weather,
I can still feel the dull ache of loss .
But my divorce was also a time of genuine
awakening, of finding my own identity as if
for the first time, and of working through
the divorce process itself with intention and
integrity for both of us. I'd have given anything to have done my self-discovery some
other way, but I can honestly say I'm a better
man for the experience.
I can point to several steps that led to the
peaceful ending of our marriage and the
effective beginning of the rest of my life. First,
my wife agreed to my request that we try
couples' counseling. Second, I had what can
only be described as a moment of emotional
breakthrough. Third, I began to attend men's
groups. Fourth, we were agreed from the start
that our daughter, who was 15 at the time ,
would not be an issue between us . Fifth , I
decided at the outset that, however .angry I
might be at any point, I would not use money
as a means to express my ariger. And finally,
we agreed to use mediation rather than litigation to settle' the te.rms ·of the divorce .
S
Couples' Counseling
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Though reluctant and skeptical at first, my
wife (I'll call her Betsy) agreed to try couples'
counseling before deciding whether she could
stay in the marriage . In our walk she'd been
clear that she wasn't ready to give up on our
relationship yet, even though she was just as
clearly pulling away. We entered counseling
with the full understanding that it might lead
us to a decision to end the marriage-though
I was equally clear that I was hoping to "save"
it. Over the next six or seven months we
began to communicate for the first time about
the broken places in our marriage . I began
to learn the difficult task of uncovering my
feelings, feeling those feelings, and talking
about them. Eventually we both came to
recognize that we had in fact grown so far
apart that we couldn't put our marriage back
together. After one last attempt via a weekend
couples' workshop, we knew it was over. But
now it was we who knew, not just one of us.
I was not happy with that realization, but
I accepted its reality.
The Breakthrough "Moment"
Shortly after the fateful wall~. I left on a
previously schequled trip to Florida to pick
up a car from my father and drive it home to
New Halllpshire. As I sat on the plane , half
unconscious from lack of sleep, I heard a
voice inside me saying, You are a good and a
worthwhile person , over and over. And I felt
myself believing that , seemingly for the first
time in my life. I began to cry, and couldn't
stop . Here I was, trapped in an airplane seat,
sobbing as quietly as my minimal willpower
could manage, and absorbing this simple
but life-changing message from ... where? I
didn' t know or care where it came from or
how it suddenly arose within me; I just knew
it was true. In the words of therapist john
Wellwood , my h eart had broken-open.
When, full of hope, I told Betsy about what
had happened, she reminded me that I might
have changed, but she hadn't. That brought
me back to earth in a hurry; there were plenty
of tears ahead . But the fact was that I was
suddenly, dramatically, in a different place
with respect to myself, even if I didn' t fully
understand it.
Men's Groups
The morning after hearing my marriage might
end, I was St;lring in the mirror and thought,
I need to remake myself in my own image.
Somehow I understood that l' d been spending
my life trying to be what I thought othersespecially the women I most cared about-
wanted me to be. It may have taken me 4 7
years, but I was fin ally figuring out that that
wasn't working. And my intuition led me to
realize this was about being a man. For as long
as I'd given masculinity any thought, from my
teens onward, I had rejected the conventional stereotypes of manhood-the implicit
violence, the denigration of women, the bravado
-but hadn' t replaced them with positive
images of what it means to be a man . I knew
in that moment at the mirror that I needed
to connect with other men and explore the
question of maleness with them .
By coincidence, an article appeared in a local
weekly soon afterward about an organization
in Brattleboro, Vt. , called For and About Men,
which held monthly forums on men's issues .
I contacted one of the organizers , who put
me in touch with someone who in tum told
me about a group that met in Keene, N. H. I
began attending the group, where I found men
I could trust, who would listen as I poured
out my heart and my tears, who would hold
me in their arms and hearts, 3,nd who would
affirm my worth and even my courage. Later
I formed· a group closer to home, with men
closer to my own age and life circumstances.
I developed real friendships with men-a
rarity in my life before then- and learned
the meaning of genuine mutual support.
I recognize now what these experiences were
doing for me: I was developing my own sense
of self that I could present in relationship,
rather than reflect back what 1 thought someone else wanted from me. That's a continuing
journey (wi th many a step backward as well
as forward), but this is where it started. During
the separation and divorce, this also meant
that I was ab le to be alone-by myself, with
myself-without being lonely. That in turn
freed me from the feelings of desperation and
dread that had always arisen in me around
th e possibility of divorce .
Terms of Estrangement
From the beginning, Betsy and I were in
complete agreement that our daughter's
well-being was of paramount importance.
We couldn't avoid the turmoil she would go
through over the next couple of years, but we
were of one mind that, however we might feel
about each other during these struggles, we
wouldn't fight about her. Never in the separation and divorce process did either of us
criticize the other in conversations with her,
nor did we argue about custody or child
support. There were many moments when
emotions ran high , but our daughter never
became a vehicle for expressing them . When
Betsy eventually moved out of our home ·to
her own apartment, she found one about a
mile away so our daughter could easily be at
either bouse .
1
That first year was easily the worst of my life fulLof grief,
anger, despair, and confusion. But my divorce was also a time
of genuine awakening ... l'd have given anything to have done
my self-discovery some other way, but I can honestly say I'm
a better man for the experience.
When it became apparent that a formal
separation was necessary, I went to an attorney
and had a separation agreement drawn up.
Money had been an issue in our marriage for
some time, spoken and unspoken. Betsy had
never taken on a real career, and as a result
I was the principal earner for the family. This
was not a situation that I'd ever accepted with
equanimity, and I had encouraged and even
urged Betsy to do more about having a fulltime job that was both financially and emotionally rewarding. Now we were m a s1tuauon
where we were setting up separate house' holds, and I was in the unwanted position of
having to be the primary supporter of both
of them. I wasn't happy about this continuing
disparity in our incomes , but I knew I could
not and would not use money to "punish"
Betsy or to gain concessions from her in the
divorce . It was an easy decision: I knew I
couldn't live with myself if I exerted power
in this way. In the end, I had to be satisfied
with the ethics of my own behavior, and I
tried as best I could to act accordingly.
Mediation and Pro Se Divorce
1
When we finally reahzed the rriarriage was over,
we agreed to try mediation rather than go to
our respective lawyers. We weren't fighting
each other; at this point sadness rather than
anger was the predominant emotion. We each
trusted the other to act honestly and considerately, so mediation didn't feel like a risk.
Before we started, I asked Betsy to return with
me to our couples' therapist for one session,
to get our emotional "temperature" and maybe
to clear any lingering obstacles to the negotiations we were about to undertake. I don't
know if Betsy got anything out of that last
session, but I learned something very important: she was scared . She knew very well how
limited her earning ability was, and she was
genuinely and deeply afraid of ending up in
poverty I came away from that session knowing
that I would need to be aware of that fear when
"money issues came up during mediation.
We contacted the New Hampshire Mediation
Center in Concord, who assigned us two
volunteer mediators. The Center charged us
$60 an hour-far less than even one lawyer,
let alone two , would have cost. (Betsy did
engage an attorney to advise her during the
negotiations, but used her far less than if we'd
litigated.) The mediation sessions didn't all
go smoothly: my feelings and hers around
money issues brought us to some hard spots.
It was here that my recognit_ion of her fear
eventually helped me move off my position
and toward compromise . There were times
afterward whert I felt I'd conceded too much,
where the old resentments about her not having
contributed more to our finances during our
marriage resurfaced, but during the mediation
I was able to see that a few hundred or even
a few thousand dollars meant very little in the
long run, especially compared to the -emotional
and financial costs of a contested divorce.
We agreed to an extended period of alimony
-four years-but we also agreed that we
would have joint legal and physical custody
of our daughter, which meant that all my transfer
of income to Betsy would be as alimony, not
as child support. This was an important distinction, because I was in a higher tax bracket
than Betsy, and alimony is deductible from
the payer's income and taxable on the payee's
income. Child support, on the other hand ,
is nondeductible, so it would come out after
paying my higher tax rate . In our case it
meant that more of my income could actually
end up in Betsy's hands rather than the government's. We also agreed to a key stipulation:
that if either of our financial situations changed
significantly, we would renegotiate the terms.
The Mediation Center's volunteer lawyers,
who reviewed the agreement to identify any
areas the court might question, expressed
concern about the possible ambiguity of the
word "significantly." But we decided we could .
trust each other well enough to leave it in, and
the court accepted it. In fact , we did invoke
that clause rwice-once when I took a salary
cut to change j<:Jbs, and again when she became
unemployed near the end of the four years.
During the mediation, I discovered another
invaluable service of the Mediation Center:
they sold a booklet that details how to file a
divorce prose-by onesel£ Using the mediation
agreement as the heart of the dow mentation
-the "stipulations"-! followed their instructions and sample forms to the letter, and a few
months later, sans attorney, I stood before a
judge and received approval of the agreement.
It's been a dozen years since that piece of
paper was signed and sealed. Both of us are
settled with other partners. I can't say Betsy
and I are friends-we live several hundred
miles apart, and our only communications
are birthday and holiday cards. And I can't
say old resentments have never come up. But
I can say my soul not only is intact, but has
prospered in these years since that terribly
difficult walk in the woods . Finding my heart
and voice as a man I can respect has made
all the difference .
Looking to Connect?
Try the MRC's Drop-in
MEN'S
SUPPORT
GROUPS
"David]." now lives in western Massachusetts.
He has chosen to write this anonymous!Y to respect
the privacy of his ex-wife.
~
VOICE MALE
welcomes contributions
from men - and women - of color.
Contact us with commentary ideas at
voicema/e@mensresourcecenter. org
or 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002
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11
How I Dealt with a Boy's Worst Nightmare
My Bully
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
ost men and many women have
had a bully at one time or another.
They are as much a function of
adolescence as pimples and persistent awkwardness. An important aspect of having a
bully is never forgetting their name-even
if they have long ago left your life. My bully
was Starnegna. Doesn't it sound like a bully's
name? Not jones, Smith, or Richardsonall of which could surely be bully names, but
don't give off the harsh, demented, sadistic
tone that "Stamegna" does. In addition, my
bully's colleagues were two brothers with the
unfortunate, but still very bully-like, last
name of Skane. Who says there is no poetry
in real life?
I have no idea how I became the target. I
don't recall bumping into Starnegna or sitting
at his lunch table by mistake. And I surely
did not walk within the three-foot invisible
Bully Arc surrounding his locker. It was sixth
grade, and I knew the Bully Rules quite well.
For instance, if Starnegna and the Skanes were
hanging out by the swings at recess, my friends
and I would hang out at The Rocks near the
back of the playground. If they were hanging
out by The Rocks, we would be leaning up
against the swing-set- attempting not to make
any quick movements or speak above a dull
murmur, so as not to draw undue attention .
The day I became a target, I didn't do
anything out of the ordinary-nothing that
made me stand out from the virtually invisible
stance I always took. But I will never forget
that day-it has trailed me from that horrific
moment right up to the writing of this piece:
Starnegna brushing by me on the way in from
recess, staring down at me with those cold
steel eyes and u ttering those harsh, serrated
words that open~d a wound in my memorythe words that every red-blooded American
wimp dreads: "You 're dead after school."
Thus, the avoidance game began.
· Bully avoidance is a fine art-kind of like
dancing. Specifically like ballet, because of
the exquisitely fine movements you must learn.
But then again, it's also a bit like improvisational acting, because you need to think
on your feet. Still, it is also like performance
art- some stylized piece exploring personal
humiliation. Maybe like standing on a stage
and peeing into a high-speed fan. So really,
bully avoidance is like an improvisational
humiliating ballet.
The goal, in my case, was to minimize the
need to leave the school within a 20-rninute
window afterthe bell rang at 2:15. It is a wellknown fact that bullies will only wait 20
minutes before declaring victory. And, if I had
to leave within that window; it was important
to vary my escape route regularly.
Now, Starnegna and the Skan es didn't
always play by the rules. They were tenacious
and had a collective memory substantially
longer than that of your standard bully. I had
to draw up and implement a wide variety of
bully avoidance strategies to last the nine months
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I did before this all came to an end. You see,
I had assumed that they would follow standard
bully protocol and threaten me for up to three
weeks . Then, without being able to pummel
me, they would declare total victory and
target someone else, only to subject me to the
much preferred sneers and taunting for the
rest of my existence. Instead , I became
Starnegna's cause celebre . I was his public
good boy # 1. His Mount Everest. After the
sixth week of hearing that raspy, hushed
voice intone , "You're dead after school," I
knew that we were in for the long haul.
My mother employed adult men
to help me figure out how to end
Stamegna's rule over me. Their
solution was always the 'Stand
Up to the Bully' strategy-which
I quickly dismissed.
So, what were my strategies for avoidance?
What was the plan that kept me free from
flying fists and kicking feet for nine months?
Well, let me share with you the various plans
that I implemented- remembering that it was
extremely important for me to vary them with
a methodical randomness so as not to reveal
my daily plan to Stamegna or the Skanes. It
was a trying time, but these strategies kept
me alive. I started with:
Not-Too-Suspiciously Taking Time to Leave
This involved walking from my last class to
my locker as if I were wearing lead boots.
This meant walking very, very slowly, which
also meant finding that line between not
walking so fast that I was leaving the building
within that 20-rninute window and not walking
so slowly that I would attract too much attention. It was also important to stop whenever
possible to waste more time- to ponder display
cases or pep-rally posters , or maybe take a
sudden interest in th e janitor's handiwork
at cleaning the boys' room.
Taking Advantage of Bully's Not Being Too Swift ·
Bullies assume that their prey will always
take the shortest route horne. In my case, this
meant I would leave school by the Allan Street
gate. So this was always where Starnegna and
the Skanes waited. But I couldn't rely on this.
There were four exits from the school. So,
if I was able to find a good crowd leaving
together-a gaggle of girls, the football team
running out to practice-! could blend in
and shuffle out with them (blending in with
the girls may seem difficult, but for me was
actually quite easy). Then, as soon as I was
sure I wasn' t in the bully's line of sight! would make a break for it.
Interlude: Deus ex Machina
Thank God my congenital kidney ailment
kicked in!
Actually it wasn't really an ailment; it was
a narrowing of the ureter-the tube from your
kidney to your bladder-that I was born with.
As I grew older it created a blockage that gave
me some intense pain-which gave me a
perfect excuse to leave school early for a few
months. And then, because of the surgery to
correct it, a good three weeks of bully freedom .
A very lucky break.
Pretending to Be Sick
This strategy is obvious, and was used to
greatest effect during the months of my
congenital kidney ailment. My other favorite
illnesses were those that were subjective on
my part : dizziness , stomach pains , hallucinations, etc.
Myriad Routes Home
I found a total of 236 different routes home
by creating a wider and wider pai:h of streets
that took me from school to my house. Only
78 of these routes diverted me more than two
miles out of my way.
The Bully's Day Off
Bullies, being the rebels they are, skip school.
Quite often , in fact. This was only a partial
reprieve for me because I was always wondering
if it was part of their plan to trip me up. I
worried that they were really staking out a key
point on my route horne and were lying in
wait to nab me. So , knowing that they were
waiting out by the Allan Street gate every day
was often better than anticipating potential
guerrilla warfare .
Out of School First
This is the exact opposite of the Taking Time
to Leave plan. It involved planning ahead and
having everything I needed to take horne with
me before going to my last class. Then, keeping
a close eye on the clock, gathering my things
together and stacking my books at 2:14.
Finally, when the bell rang-I'd sprint out
the door, down the hall , out the nearest
front door and across the-schoolyard .
So , how did this all end? Well, as often
happens in the wild and woolly world of bullies
-not in a way I could have predicted.
It was a Monday in April. Monday was the
day I took th e train into Boston to visit my
father. My mother would often pick me up
and drive me to the train station . ln order for
this to work, l utilized the Out of School First
plan. There was an inherent liability to this
strategy because it set up a discernible pattern
for a bully to learn: l left school as quickly
as possible every Monday. Of course, it took
nine months for Stamegna to discover this .
But, as soon as he did, he came up with an
obvious counterplan: skip his last class and
wait for me to emerge. Then, beat me up. This
was, of course , a masterful plan for a bully.
And, in theory it would have worked-in
fact it did to a pointbut Stamegna and the
Skanes failed to think
beyond my plan. In fact,
we had all ignored a
hidden aspect of the
situation: the Mother
Bear Factor.
My mother had been hearing about Sramegna
for months. She had seen the fear, the tears,
and heard about the nightmares. She had
employed adult men to help me figure out
how to end Stamegna's rule over me. Their
solution was always •some version of the
"Stand Up to the Bully" strategy-which I
quickly dismissed. But during all of this time,
as I had been building up more and more stress
and fear, my mother had been building anger
and rage , albeit quietly.
I came sprinting out of th e front door on
that Monday afternoon, and th ere, standing
near their post, were Stamegna and the Skanes.
I was caught. There was no running away. l
knew as I slowed from a sprint to a dead-man's
walk that I had to give in. It was time that l
faced the music and, finally, faced Stamegna's
fists of fury.
This would be my first and only fistfight ,
and though it will not go down in the annals
of Allan Street junior High, it attained its own
brief notoriety. Stamegna and the Skanes
began by surrounding me in typical bully
formation. Stamegna stepped forward and
threw the first punch, which landed squarely
in my stomach (I should have taken those
boxing lessons offered by our next door neighbor Mr. Armstrong). I then threw my one
and only swing at a human being-right at
Stamegna's jaw. Stamegna, an experienced
fighter, saw it coming a mile away and pulled
himself back. My swing swung right by him,
in a memory that would return in nightmare
after nightmare for years.
My mother seemed to come out of nowhere.
She had been sitting in her car waiting for me,
and saw the whole thing unfold. And, like a
mother bear watching her cub being harassed
by a bully, she attacked. She raced up behind
Stamegna, and in a fit of rage and strength I
only saw one other time (when I told h er to
"fuck off" at the age of 10), she pulled Stamegna
off his feet by the shirt collar and jammed him
up against the metal fence. She glared down
at him with her mother-rage and whispered
in a voice of contained anger-not unlike
Clint Eastwood in a Dirty Harry movie"Leave my son alone !" Stamegna's face was
both scared and shocked . For a moment, I
thought he was going to cry. And, even in
that brief moment, I wondered to myself:
is he going to cry because he is afraid , or is
he going to cry because neither of his parents
would ever do anything so outrageous and
heroic for him, their son? In that quickest of
moments, l saw the little boy tha t was
Stamegna. And, just as quickly, that face was
replaced by his usual mask of complacency
and disaffectedness.
My mother let go of Stamegna and h e
dropped to the ground. By this time the
schoolyard was filled with children, all watching
this crazy drama play itself out. My mother
grabbed my hand and whisked me away to
the car, not saying a word until I returned home
later that day after visiting my father.
So, what was the fall-out from this situation?
Well, Stamegna and
the Skanes never
threatened to kill me
after school again. Sure,
they taunted me and
called me "mommy's
boy" for years. But
Stamegna was quick
to find a new target, so as to ge t the image
of someone's mother pinning him against
the fence out of everyone's mind. ln the
end, bullies will take the path of least
resistance.
As for my mother, to this day she still
apologizes for intervening that afternoon,
no matter how much I thank h er.
And, as for me , well, l would always , to
this day, still prefer to be called "mommy's
boy" to having someone hit me in the stomach,
hard . Call me crazy, but there is no contest
in my mind.
VOICE MALE
NEEDS YOU!
Russell Bradbury-Carlin is a poet, father, and
director of the Men's Resource Center's Men
Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program.
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13
Can We Build a Men's Movement
One Community at a Time?
By Steven Botkin
"How would you live life if you believed that this moment in history was a unique opportunity to
help the world take an important step in its evolution?" That was the central question Men's
Resource Center founding executive director Steven Botkin wrestled with as he began a 12-month
sabbatical in September 2003. As he observed in that Fall's issue of Voice Male, "the growing size
and complexity of the [MRC]left little time and attention available for creative visioning. My spirit,
which thrives in the limitless realms of imagination, was getting tired of waiting. " Out of that wait
emerged a proposal to create the Men's Resource Center Coalition, a new organization Steven sees
as "the next step in the evolution of the MRC vision. " What follows is a description of that vision.
ive months into my sabbatical, I saw
with remarkable clarity my next step in
the service of the MRC vision: creating
a coalition of men's resource centers in diverse
communities around the world to share
resources, build collaborations, and support
new community-based men's initiatives.
Actually, the idea of a global network of
MRC-like organizations had been imagined
among staff and board at the original MRC
of western Massachusetts for' several years.
Building on our successes, resources, and
training, organizers in New Mexico, New
Hampshire, New York, Texas, central Massachusetts, and Maine adapted the MRC model
to their own diverse communities . Other
community leaders, activists, and researchers
from around the world have similarly been
inspired by the work of the Men's Resource
Center. Some, such as groups from Sweden,
japan, Canada, and South Africa, even visited
in person . However, for myself and other
MRC staff, the demands of managing the everexpanding activities in our own community
consistently overshadowed the time needed
to proactively develop the network and promote
the MRC model in more communities .
But now, in the space of my sabbatical, this
vision was once again calling me powerfully
and personally, and I realized it was time for
me to respond.
Saying yes to this calling set into motion
a dynamic flow of events that significantly
changed the remainder of my sabbatical and
dramatically reshaped my MRC work. Coming
to terms with the fact that I could not pursue
this vision of an MRC Coalition wholeheartedly and at the same time fulfill my
responsibilities as the executive director of
the MRC of Western Massachusetts, I began
a conversation with the board of directors
about leadership transition. After 22 years
as fo under and leader of this organization, I
recognized, as did the board, that my departure
would present many important opportunities
for moving into the next stage of the MRC's
organizational development. A committee
was formed to develop a leadership transition
plan, and Rob Okun and Michael Dover, intetim
co-executive directors during the sabbatical,
graciously agreed to continue serving until
june 30 , 2005 .
Next, I embarked on a journey to each of
the existing Men's Resource Centers to talk
with them about the vision, and explore how
an MRC Coalition might be meaningful to their
organizations. These informal consultations
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were rich and productive , deepening our
relationships , giving evidence of the u niqu~
strengths of the diverse organizations, and
demonstrating the value of a communications
and resource-sharing network. Every step
of the way felt grounded in deep listening,
connection, and guidance, confirming for me
the rightness of this path.
I was consistently impressed by the diversity
of leadership and constituencies among the
existing and newly forming local MRC initiatives. For example, the MRC of Northern
New Mexico recently helped to sponsor a
rural gay men's gathering, and is working
closely with Native American men through
its "Natural Leaders" and "Fathers Matter"
programs . The MRC of South Texas serves a
community with a large population of MexicanAmerican men , and conducts its groups in
English and Spanish. Closer to home, the
FAMILY (For All Men Involved in the Lives of
Youth) serves urban boys and young men in
Springfield, Mass., who are predominantly
African-American and Latino and may represent
what another men's center model might look
like.' The western Mass. MRC runs young men
of color groups, as well as groups for gay men,
male survivors of childhood abuse, young
fathers, men in prison, and men overcoming
violence. Some MRCs also provide services
such as food and clothing distribution.
It was exciting to imagine an MRC Coalition
rooted in the diverse strengths of these
community-based organizations . By developing a strong network for mutual support
and resource sharing, and for supporting newly
emerging initiatives, the MRC Coalition would
be building a movement-one community
at a time . Knowing ourselves as part of this
larger movement would strengthen and suppon
the local initiatives. National and international
partners and funders might support coordinated activities and multisite projec ts.
Together, we could mobilize a powerfu l collective voice for challenging oppressive
culrural paradigms and shifting social consciousness for men .
Returning home even more energized by
the enthusiastic support of diverse MRC
leadership, I continued to build the foundation _
for the MRC Coalition . An advisory council
was formed, a brochure and website created,
and the organization was incorporated and
application for tax-exempt status submitted.
An Internet discussion group was launched;
open to anyone interested in the MRC model,
which continues to provide opportunities for
ongoing conversations, information sharing,
and inviting others into this expanding
ne twork. Steering Committee retreats were
held for the MRC of South Texas (which
included the directors of the MRC of Central
Texas) and the MRC of Central Massachusetts. Consultations about starting new community-based men's initiatives have been
provided to people in Boston , Providence,
Tokyo, the University of MassachusettsDartmouth, Michigan, Sacramento, Burlington,
Philadelphia, and Springfield.
The challenge to realize the vision is formidable and inrriguing: to create the optimum
conditions for the successful adaptation of
the MRC.model to diverse communities around
the world, and to build a global men's movement, grounded in these community-based
initiatives and, working with women, to end
oppression and violence. I believe the time
is right, and the path lies open before us .
All we can do is take the next step.
Steven Botkin is the founder and former executive
director of the Men's Resource Center of Western
Massachusetts, and now divides his time among
the MRC Coalition, a private therapy practive
and his family. For more information about
the Men's Resource Center Coalition , visit
www.mrcCoalition.org or e-mail steven @mrcCoalition.org. You can also join the Internet
discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo .com/
group/mrcCoalition/
Rapists and Battere'rs Aren't Just TV Villains
"Bad Guys" Among Us
By Jim Hines
y three-year-old daughter is, in my
unbiased opinion, the smartest little
girl in the world. For more than a
year, she's been able to identify the bad guys
on television by listening to the music.
OK, maybe that means we let her watch too
much television. lt also means she has learned
what most of us have learned over the years:
bad guys look, sound , and act in certain
recognizable ways ... at leas t on television .
Unfortunately, the real world is a little
different. I've worked with a number of abusers
and rapis ts over the years, and not once have
l h eard the soundtrack switch to a minor key
as they cracked their knuckles and ran their
tattooed hands over their bald scalps. These
were ordinary men, people l could see working
at the reception desk of an upscale restaurant
or mingling with parishioners before a church
service.
l remember chatting with one man before
an abusers' intervention group. He was a nice
guy with a good sense of humor. We talked
a bit about the program 's ups and downs. He
admitted he had screwed up, but h e seemed
so open and friendly about it that it was hard
not to like him. I learned afterward that this
likable, easygoing guy had b eaten, raped,
and tried to murder his girlfriend .
We want so desperately to recognize th e
bad guys . If we know who "they" are, then
we can avoid th em. We can stop them . For
"the rest of us" men, we can make sure we're
not mistaken for them.
That last point is tricky. Nobody wants
to think of himself as a bad guy, especially
when it comes to sexual violence. Nobody
wants to look in the mirror and see a rapist
or an abuser. We don't want anyone else to
see us that way, either.
M
"I learned that this likable,
easygoing guy had beaten ,
raped, and tried to murder
his girlfriend. "
So we reinvent the bad guy. Studies and
statistics have shown time and again that
the majority of sexual assaults are committed
by friends, family members, and romantic
parmers. Yet every time l talk to student groups
about rape and ask them to describe a "typical"
rapist, they talk about knife-wielding strangers
lurking in the shadows. We imagine a bad guy
who is easy to recognize, one who ,is not like us.
People ask me if it is worth the effort to
educate people about sexual violence. "We
know rape is wrong, and the drunks who do it
don't care about your statistics or definitions. "
Here is one of the hardest things I have
learned over th e years I've don e this work:
There is n o us versus the m. It 's not about
drunken villains . I've known sexual assault
counselors who have raped, and volunteer
youth workers who beat their wives. Many
of "us"-the non-raping, non-abusive "good
guys"-still end up conTributing to the problem
of sexual violence.
A 2002 study by the U.S. Department of
justice asked the question, "Why do college
men rape?" Among the factors they found were
stereotypical views of women's sexual behavior,
sexist views of women, and peer support for
sexually abusive behavior.
'' So we 're the good guys. We 've
never raped . We haven't beaten
our girlfirends. [But] do we look
the other way as our friend tries
to get the woman he 's out with
at a club drunk? "
So we're the good guys. We've never raped.
We haven' t b eaten our girlfriends . Do we
look the other way as dur friend tries to get
the woman he's out at a club with drunk? Do
we turn up the radio when the guy in the dorm
room next door starts shouting at his girlfri end again? Do we laugh at th e one about
the secretary giving oral sex to her boss? Do
we doubt accusations of rape and abuse, not
based on the facts of the case, but b ecause
"he's a nice guy who wouldn't do something
like that"? Have we examined our own views
of women and sexuality? Do we challenge other ·
men who joke about their latest "conquests"
or look at sex as a game, determined to score
by whatever means necessary?
In oth er words, do we encourage those
factors that lead to rap e? Do we challenge
them? Or do we simply not think abou t it?
The mistaken belief that rapists and abusers
are drunk, sociopathic, and different fro m the
rest of us is a myth that allows sexual violence
to continue.
When we believe abusers are brutish slimeballs, we are more likely to disbelieve victims
whose abusers don ' t live up to that image .
When we focus rape prevention efforts on
stranger assaults, we send the message that
acquaintance rape is less important-even
thou gh the majority of rapes are acquaintance rapes .
When we separate ourselves from the problem
because we're the "good guys," we stop examining our own attitudes and behaviors.
It's true. Most people know rape and abuse
are wrong-at least when they're presented
in the straightforward, black-and-white way
we see on television. Yet the majority of rapists
don' t see themselves as the bad guys, nor
do they see what they did as rape . A study
of young males between 12 and 20 years
old found that one in seven believed: "It's OK
for a boy to make a girl have sex wi th him
if she has Oirted with him or led him on"
(National Crim e Prevention , 2001). These
aren't evil, sadistic bad guys. These are regular
boys who believe the myths, stereotypes, and
oversimplifications of sexual violence.
Eventually, my little girl is going to grow up.
I would give anything to make sure she can
always identify and avoid the bad guys. As
a father, I will do everything in my power to
keep her safe. That means teaching her that
real life isn' t like television, and th e easy
distinction between good guys and bad is
an illusion.
There is no "us" versus "them. " In the end,
there's only us .
jim Hines is the Safe Place male outreach coordinator at Michigan State University in East
Lansing, Mich., and the author of a novel, Goldfish
Dreams. He can be reached at jchi.nes@slf. net.
A version of this article origin ally appeared in
The State News, "MSU 's Independent Voice."
Used by permission.
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Fathers' Rites:
Healing and Growth for
Fathers and Sons
By Haj i Shearer
went to a funeral for a l 7-year-old today.
He was shot to death a week ago. He lived
in a part of Boston where rival groups of
young men are adept at killing one another.
JR was popular. There were nearly 250
people at his "going home" service. I'll never
forget the beautiful young woman sobbing
in the back of the church. Neither will! forget
the 25 or 30 hard young men radiating enough
hatred that if looks could kill , I'm sure JR's
murderers would already be dead . And since
looks don't kill, I suspect that many of th em
had, in their waistbands, more effective means
of dispatching the enemy.
As I stood on the sidewalk outside the
church, I prayed that the young men milling
about the hearse might find a way to transform their hatred before another black teen
gets killed. But prayer must be rooted in
follow-up action to be effective, and I knew this
crisis of young black males killing one another
would not be solved by wishful thinking.
My mind was drawn to the afternoon exacdy
three weeks before, when I joined with 15
other black men to take our sons on a Boys
to Men Rites of Passage retreat. For the second
year in a row, I participated in an experience
for fathers (or men acting in the father/mentor
role for sons whose fathers are absent) and
sons to explore their relationship with one
another and themselves .
An important aspect of all initiation ceremonies is a removal from the familiar. So we
held our event at the Starseed Retreat Center,
a secluded spot in western Massachusetts .
That we took our sons away from TVs, radios
and Gameboys for a weekend in the woods
was dramatic enough. Yet the first night we
arrived, when our jaded urban and suburban
teens displayed youthful wonder at the site
of so many stars, we knew we were on to something. Many of the dads looked up wistfully
as well .
In fact, the older men were even more visibly
moved throughout th e weekend. With our
teens, we hoped we were planting seeds for
the future in their fertile adolescent consciousness , btit as men we were already ripe
to appreciate the beauty and power of the
initiation process . After all, these traditions
are embedded in folklore and our ancestral
mind , yet none of us men was given an
experience like this as we entered manhood.
Offering our sons this gift was healing for
bo th generations .
As African-American men, we created a rite
of passage that reflected our heritage, while
also incorporating elements that reinterpreted
traditional African ceremonies. We have a
strong tradition of oral communication, so
we designed di,alogues between the older and
younger men that encouraged each to share
his thoughts and feelings on a particular theme.
If you have a teen in your house, you know
getting them to talk or listen is no easy task.
This part of the ritual gave the young men
a chance to be listen ed to by th eir elders.
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And hearing stories of manhood from men
other than their father may have helped them
listen better th emselves.
We used the Sweat Lodge ceremony to
physically and emo tionally push our limits.
This is a purification ritual found in various
Native American cultures where, in simples t
terms, participants meditatively build a sauna
in the woods. The group enters one by one
with the intent of being transformed by the
heat and darkness . It is a deeply spiritual
experience that connects one with the Earth,
with on e's own self and with one's co-participants. Prayers and songs are chanted and
sung in th e lodge , and many people feel
reborn upon exiting. The preparation and
execution of this ac tivity took most of one
day, and that evening we used the talk circle
to process the changes eac h person felt.
The second day we hiked around a beautiful
waterfal1 near Starseed. One of the men rook
a dip in a cold pool below the waterfall. Since
this was a Christian group experience, his
immersion in the cold water looked like
another rebirth, and several men followed him
in a spontaneous baptism , which left all who
rook parr fe eling clean inside and out.
The bonds created during the weekend will
live forever. The boys saw core values of positive
masculinity in action: seeking adve nture,
working together for a common goal, challenging our bodies, sharing our fe elings and
using our voices to roar. l hope this inspires
other men to create conscious, uplifting rites
of passage for their own sons.
I've heard arguments to the effect that such
ceremonies are an unnecessary anachronism
in modem American culture. A friend recendy
tried to persuade me that we shouldn't "insert
alien rituals" in an attempt to re-create ceremonies that were an intrinsic part of other
societies . Eli Newberger makes a similar
argument in his 1999 book about the nature
and nurture of male character, The Men They
Will Become. "Rigorous rites of passage don't
make much sense when adolescence is expected
to last close to a decade for most boys," he
writes, "even longer for those who elect careers
requiting extensive post-graduate education."
These types of retreats are not meant to
replace such key life experiences as going to
hi gh schoo l, getting a driver's license, or
leaving home for college. What critics of rites
of passage ceremonies fail to recognize is that
it is not a question of whether our sons will have
,.. rituals, but of what kind of rituals will predominate. Funerals have become a modem rite
of passage for young men in my community.
The murder rate in Boston has skyrocketed ;
most of th e victims are young men of color.
It's difficult to live in my community and not
be personally touched by th e epidemic of
yo ung black males killing one anoth er.
Yet male violence is not just a problem in
urban, African-American communities. Black
(Continued on page 23)
Show and Tell
By Michael Burke
read a book recently in which a top
manager at Procter &: Gamble, asked
how she developed and nurtured the
enthusiastic young team she had working
under her, talked about empow~ring her
employees by giving them what they needed
to do a job, then, with her active support and
encouragement,' getting out of the way and
letting them do it. "People love to learn," she
said, "but they hate to be taught ."
I had never thought of it quite so concretely·
before, but when I read that it hit me right
between the eyes. It made me think of my kids.
Years ago l might not have even understood
this idea, much less agreed with it. l was one of
those people who liked to be taught. In college,
l actually enjoyed sitting in class, hearing a
lectureffom one of my distinguished professors,
and assiduously taking notes. When exam
time came, I burped it all back out and said
thank you.
To a great extent I've grown out of my early
credulity and slavish acceptance of authority.
Happily, my children are remarkably free from
it. Far from worshiping or fearing either of
their parents, they cheerfully dismiss even the
most reasonable pronouncements issuing
from our mouths as irrelevant, if not just plain
wrong. The most positive response they're
prone to give is a weary "Whatever ... ", which
amounts to a tacit parental victory. Score one
point for Lame Old Dad.
My daughter, Emma, 13, will generally listen
to what l have to say, often without comment,
but it's hard to know what she's taking in
and what she thinks about it. (Later she might
say or do something that surprises me: "Huh
-she really did hear me!") My son, Isaac, on
the other hand, now 10, is less ambiguous in
his response. One of his earliest memorable
sentences, when asked to close the car door,
was a defiant "Don't tell me! " He hates to be
"lectured," hates being "told," and doesn't
much like reminders-even when l helpfully
remind him that if l don't remind him, he tends
to forget. No matter: the stuff I want him to
remember is the stuff I want him to remember,
and thus not his department.
He's got his own agenda, and I've come to
see that part of my task as his father is to
try to determine just what that agenda is
and how and even whether I can help him
with it-and when to just get out of his way.
In this worthy endeavor, I have to be careful
about the language I use , and also about
what point I choose to enter the dialogue (or
try to create one that doesn' t yet exist). Say
the wrong thing at the wrong time , and you
cut off the conversation before it begins. Say
the really wrong thing at the wrong time, and
you may foreclose the possibility of ever talking
about it again.
If l try to, as we're fond of saying in men's
groups, "speak from my own experience," Isaac
will just put on his best old-man voice and
interrupt with a hoary-sounding "Back in the
day .. ." Which just makes me laugh and forget
I
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what I wanted to talk to him about, which is
a nuisance. Here I had the lecture all planned
--even cleverly disguised as "When I was your
age ... :·-and now I've lost my groove thing.
Truth is , he generally sees the "lecture"
embedded inside my boyhood tales from
miles away, like a train coming from a great ·
distance out on the prairie. It's pretty plain,
even to a 10-year-old. No, if I'm going to teach
him anything, I've got to be much more clever
--even sneaky and devious-than that. I've
got to let go of "teaching" and "telling."
Take basketball, for example-a native
American religion and important field of
inquiry that l claim to know something about,
having wasted much of my youth and adulthood in playing it, watching it, following it,
and thinking about it. Isaac is tall for his age,
but on the ream he was playing with last year,
l noticed he often wasn't getting the ball, and
he was getting frustrated.
There were some age-appropria te reasons
for this phenomenon-he blamed ball-hogging
guards-but whenever l tried to talk with him
about these reasons l ran into stony silence
or we just got nowhere . The drive home after
a game, when he was tired and feeling the
injustice most keenly, proved to be especially
unfertile ground . So one day I said , trying
for a casual tone, "Hey, maybe we should go
out in the driveway and practice some postup moves and footwork down low-you know,
what to do when you get the ball close to the
basket, like Shaq does." I think he responded
with a grunt, and l let it go at that for the
time being.
But I had cast the bait out there , and soon
he would take it. I was careful in my language:
not "Let me teach you some moves, son" or
"Let me tell you what to do in the next game."
More along the lines of "Let's work on these
moves ... let's just practice this strategy . . .let's
try ... " Make it sound less like a lesson , and
more like a game. Because no one likes to be
"schooled"--especially on the basketball court
-but everyone likes a fun game . And this
game we were "trying" was going to make his
game more fun (I hoped).
One day he asked me, "Dad, can we try out
those moves today?" So out to the driveway
we went, and as much as possible , instead
of telling him what to do, I showed him, with
my body and with his, moving us both around
in an approximation of the dance that is
offense and defense on the hardcourt. We
went through positioning, calling for the ball,
footwork, the shot-well, let me not bore you
with all the details : I'm not telling you, for God's
sake! Suffice it to say, we had fun, and I thought
he had a better idea of where to .go on the
court and what to do once· he got there .
And now, the thrilling denouement: he was
brilliant in the next game. OK, full disclosure :
he actually was brilliant in the next game,
but the brilliant thing he did had nothing
to do with what we worked on. Late in the
game , he intercepted a pass at midcourt and
drove all the way to the basket, where he
banked in a four-footer. His team won, and
one of the other dads dubbed that play "the
highlight of the season." (And Isaac laughed at
me afterward because he said he could hear
me cheering-loudly.)
As I said, the Great Play (actually, there's
only two great plays: Hamlet and Put the Ball
in the Basket) bore no real resemblance to my
Shaq Diesel demo or anything else we may
have covered in our little low-post practice
session, and L don't think Isaac sees any
connection between one and the other. But
I believe our driveway drills gave Isaac a bit
more confidence when he went out on the
court-:-that all-important feeling that "If the
ball comes to me, I know what to do." And
although I hate that phrase "the teachable
moment," if there ever was one this was it.
He was hungry for this knowledge, and he was
eager to take it in and master it. He wanted
to be given the tools to do this job, and once
he had them in his hands he was off and
running, downcourt.
That's what I like to think, anyway, because
I'm his Lame Old Dad. And because I'm
telling this story.
Michael Burke is Emma and Isaac's dad, Deb's
husband, and Voice Male's managing editor.
WAY TO GO!
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VI
,17
Bear Essentials
A Different Kind of Gay Identity
By Les Wright
uring the mid-1980s something was
percolating in gay San Francisco .
The phenomenon of "bears" broke
into my consciousness when I returned to
the city in 1989, after spending a year on
the East Coast in my first-ever professional
position as a visiting lecturer at a small, smart,
rural liberal arts college.
It had been a thoroughly miserable year
for me, away from anything and everything
gay. I had envisioned it as a sabbatical year
away from AIDS, a chance to escape the daily
impact of living in the Gay Holocaust. In the
end, it proved a terrifying experience-so
far away from anyone who understood my
epidemic-ravaged world.
·Once back in San Francisco, I sought to
re-engage with life, to take charge of living
with HIV, and to begin to mourn the loss of
vision of what my life was supposed to be
(something, anything other than what it had
become). I attempted to reinsert myself into
life through companionship with my newfound "bear" friends, and I sought to create
for myself a new vision.
D
What Is a Bear?
Simply put, a bear is a gay male who has tended
to self-define by two distinct categorical aspects:
l) a preponderance of male secondary sexual
characteristics (beard, body hair, and girth ,
or how the excess body weight is typically
distributed across the male torso), and/ or
2) an essence of mind, spirit, personality, or
sexual politics that sets the self-identifying
bear apart from normativizing contemporary
gay mainstream values. In 1997, when Th e
Bear Book: Readings in the History and Evolution
of a Gay Male Subculture was published, I
summarized a decade of bear community
internal contestation: " . . .it is impossible to
answer the question 'What is a bear?' in any
definite way, beyond the array of connotative
associations in our culture, suggesting a large
or husky body, heavy body hair, a lumbering
gait , an Epicurean appetite, an attitude of
imperturbability, a contented self-acceptance
of his own masculinity (however that maybe
defined) . The debate, generally fra med as
bear-as-image versus bear-as-attitude, is as
unreso lved as ever."
Beardom as Sexual Refugee Camp
.....
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In the first moment of bear-identity formation
in the early to mid-1980s, at least in San
Francisco , self-identifying bears found likeminded companions through a localized socialsexual nexus. In the wake of AIDS, the daily
street carnival which Castro Street had become
during th e 1970s disappeared virtually
overnight. In its stead, a scared-traumatized
-predominantly gay male population saw a
whole world disintegrate. Fear of the unknown
meant fear of infection and death, causing
the sexual subculture to shut down almost
comp letely. Gay bar, club, and business
owriers died rapidly. People stopped going
out, causing business to plummet. The bath
houses were closed. The gay boom town went
bust, and most gay men feared gay community
itself would disappear permanen tly.
It is vital to understand, fro m today's
perspective, how overwhelming and total was
this moment , when it looked like the gay
world had reached cataclysmic annihilation .
It was then that some gay men found , or
rather invented or reinvented, themselves
as (self-identifying) bears, as a strategy to cope
and move pas t the historical momen t of
trauma. It was a time for feeling one's way
out of the metaphori cal darkness, back into
community, back into sexual connec tion
and social adhesion. It was also an opportunity to j et tison the baggage of failed
past experiments.
For me, beardom was about gay liberation ,
all over again . In 1979 I had fl ed Germany,
and heteronormative society in to to , to seek
community in the sexual refugee camp of San
Francisco 's Castro District. Coincidentally,
I was to all appearan ces the quintessential
"Castro clone"-! was 26, 5'9", had a 29inch waist and wore 501 j eans and flannel
shirts. But on the inside, I cou ld n ot have
been more alien .
Where was the sexual democracy I had
expected-men and women of whatever nonconformist bent , coming in every shade,
shape, color, and persuasion, united only in
our radical vision of community? Like many
an immigrant before me, 1 was bewildered and
dumbfounded to find myself more of an alien
-a sexual alien- than ever before. 1 had come
home, and my house (like Odysseus's) was
filled with strangers. And , as I was about to
rudely discover, I was plummeting to the
depths of full -blown alcoholism and drug
addiction. All the neat gay urban homesteads
and funky, campy, or chic gay businesses
looked very peculiar from my vantage point
as an unintended 26-year-old gu tter drunk.
I first becam e conscious of the healing
strategy of th e recovery narra tive through
Alcoholics Anonymous . Later, I was struck
by its presence at the hean of gay coming-out
stories. Having come ou t as gay, and later
as sober, it seemed natural fo r me to come
out as a person with AIDS (PWA) , and later
still, as a bear. In the 1980s bears were typically
gay men who came out twice-the first time
as gay, the second as a bear. Today, the concept
of bear has become fundamental, and younger
teenaged males may come out as a bear (bear
replaces gay as basic category). O thers may
come out as a bear, after coming out in some
other way, and then negotiate the category
of bear as "not only male gay"-for example,as a bear of color, or as a transgendered, bisexual, or lesbian bear.
I originally debuted as a "sober leather
bear. " What makes my story d iffere nt from
that of most bears , whether in the 1980s
or today, is twofold: First, I go t sober before
(Continued on page 23)
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contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicema!e@mensresourcecenter. org
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but it bend~ toward~ ju~tice."
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IV
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19
I
My Power, My Powerles..sness
By Steven Morr-Wineman
hen I was in my mid-40s , about
10 years ago, I began to identify
as a survivor of childhood trauma.
This happened at a point when my marriage
was crumbling, and I was overwhelmed by
the challenges of parenting a young child .
I increasingly recognized that my unbearable
feelings of rage, loss , and powerlessness were
rooted in ways that I was abused when I
was growing up.
Up to that point as an adult I really believed
that I had left my childhood behind, and
that I was an emotionally competent person.
As my prolonged personal crisis unfolded,
I realized that I was feeling pain that I had
been carrying with me since childhoodpain that had festered for many years deep
below the surfac ~ of my adult life, and that
now was blowing 1lP in my face.
Because I understand my personal experience
in political terms, for the first time I began to
view myself as an oppressed person . Before
that I had defined myself in exactly the opposite
way politically: as someone with too much
power. As a straight, white, highly educated
man, I have multiple points of access to
privilege and power over others. As a profeminist man , I have defined an important
part of my politics around the awareness of
privilege and the commitment to -struggle
against it. Now I was trying to figure out, on
a daily basis, what to do with profound and
persistent experiences of powerlessness.
As I have grappled with the seeming
contradiction between holding too much
power and feeling intensely powerless , I have
come to believe that the two phenomena are
actually intricately linked, and that understanding the links between powerlessness
and domination is critically important. And
while there are naturally aspects of my own
experience that are unique, I believe that the
interplay of powerlessness and dominance
is broadly relevant to the situations of men .
In my own life, I have learned that the times
I am most at risk of behaving destructively
and harming people I love are the moments
when I feel most powerless. Here are two
examples:
When my son was little, he liked to playfully
run up to me from behind and jump on my
back. I have chronic back problems , so this
is an area of intense physical-and emotional
- vulnerability for me. Probably even more
significant was the impact of being caught
off guard-literally taken from behind. My
son's innocent behavior triggered incredibly
deep feelings of helplessness, violation, and
rage that were stored in my body from years
of my older brother physically abusing me
when we were kids . In those triggered states
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I was suddenly small again, being acted upon
in a way that felt completely beyond my
control. That was my internal reality. But
the external reality was that I was an adult
and a parent, holding enormous physical
and emotional power over my young child.
Fortunately, I never responded with physical
violence. But I did lash out verbally in ways
that hurt my son deeply.
Another example was a time when my
partner made a joking comment about the
size of my feet. Her joke sent me into a cold
rage. I felt disregarded and emotionally
abandoned in a way that, again, set off a
rraumatic response that was rooted in previous
experiences of abuse that had nothing to do
with my partner. My response was to go into
a stonelike state in which I completely withdrew from her for the rest of the evening. At
the time I had no inkling of how my behavior
was affecting her; I only knew that I felt
overwhelmed, helpless, and completely alone.
In fact, my behavior-coming from an adult
man in a heterosexual relationship-had a very
powerful and hurtful impact on my partner.
In both of these examples, the external
reality of my dominant position as a father and
a man magnified the destructive effects of my
behavior. But the internal reality of traumatic
powerlessness that I felt was actually the
driving force behind my destructive behavior.
in the situations of men who are violent
against women . Neil jacobson and john
Gottman, in their book When Men Batter
Women (Simon & Schuster, 1998), report that
80 percent of the men in their study believed
they experienced themselves as "victims"
within their battering relationships. Even more
broadly, I believe that male socialization
pervasively traumatizes boys by crushing
their emotional capacities-teaching us not
to feel, not to acknowledge vulnerability or
"weakness," teaching us that it's shameful
to cry, and so on-setting up vicious cycles
of aggressive behavior driven by internal
powerlessness among boys and men .
The understanding that internal powerlessness is linked to external dominance has
been of practical value for me in a number of
specific ways:
• It helps me to stay aware of the power I
hold over others when I feel powerless, and
to make conscious efforts to constrain my
behavior in those moments to minimize as
far as possible the harm I can cause with
·
my powerless rage.
• It helps me to have compassion for myself
as I struggle with these issues-to recognize
that much of my potential for destructive
behavior is rooted in ways I was abused and
made powerless as a child .
• It helps me recognize the humani(Y oj"others"
whom I perceive as oppressors. The more I can
see that I am not fundamentally different from
men who identify with male privilege and
dominance, the more I will be able to reach
out to the hearts and minds of other men
to promote nonviolence and gender equality.
Male socialization traumatizes boys by crushing their emotional capacities
-teaching us not to feel, not to acknowledge vulnerability or 'weakness,'
teaching us that it's shameful to cry-setting up vicious cycles of aggressive
behavior driven by internal powerlessness among boys and men.
I believe that this same dangerous-and
sometimes lethal-dynamic applies in many
instances of dominant and abusive male
behavior: what looks like hyper-powerful
behavior from the outside is driven by internal
experiences of trauma and powerlessness.
Once I nudged the bumper of the car in
front of me while maneuvering into a parking
space; a man got out of the car, came up to
my window and announced that if I touched
his car again he would beat me unconscious.
One can only imagine the ways in which this
man has been violated , particularly as a boy,
almost certainly including gross physical
brutality. His behavior toward me suggested
his own massive vulnerability and sense of
powerlessness. He was responding to his
bumper being touched as an intolerable
physical violation of his own person. He lashed
out with what was probably the only means
available to him to try to defend himself (which
of course does not justify his behavior).
This example is multiplied many times over
• It has helped me frame a road map for
getting out of the morass of internal powerlessness and external dominance: To become
more powerful internally, which means
recognizing that even when I fee l the most
powerless, I have options and the capacity
to use them ; and: to become less powerful
externally, which means constraining the
power I hold over others, and changing
structures that place me in positions of
dominance.
Traveling this road is complicated and difficult,
but I believe it can be a path to liberation for
men, and for anyone who carries the legacies
of trauma into positions of dominance.
Steven Morr-Wineman is a mental health worker,
writer, parent, activist for nonviolent social change,
and survivor of childhood trauma. He is the author
of Power-Under: Trauma and Nonviolent Social
Change (www. TraumaAndNonviolence.com).
'":Deadbeat
:itO isaste r:
'the Law and EcoJom'ics of
Child Support Payments
~ditedby
WilliamS. Comanor
~> Northampton ..Mass:: Edward El~~~r. 2od4
;,287 pp. with charts,...and index
.
·~
hild support is one of the biggest
issues in aajivorce involving childrfn.
1t is huge at the time of the. divorce,
a,nd it can rem~in s9,, untiLJhe very l~st
payment is made years]ater.Many mothevs
clain: it is never enough orpaid..•~epend­
ably'enough. Many'f1irhers clairn that it
is too much, given their own financial needs,
and that ir'i§ too often spent on the mother's
desires insteadof the child 's needs. Then ,
there is the push-pull between visitation
access and actual support payments, a
,tussle thar.tan e<lsi~y; escal,a te into a v.;;ar.
C
The Law and Economics oJ Chil!LSupport
Payments is· a co!lectiQn of~.rgal <lnd etanomic studies and articles on many issues
surrol;lndi.J:).g child su,ppor~. Thesr artiqles
came our of a conference organized by
the editor,Williarn S. Com~por,in 2002.
Whil~ many of the artiCles contain highly
technical sections about the stt~dies and
information reported, the substance of the
bookts accessible tP,the mo~erately
skilled reader. ·
••,.··
·
The conclusions of these studies are
not pr-etty. Rere 'a re tVfp: ::~~lo on~. on any
side of the issue would disagree d:iat child
support enfo rcer!Jent is. a Cl!rrent .~isaster,
characterized by huge caseloads; huge arrearages, ,a nd hug~ 'ad.mini~tra~}ye Paralysis"
(p. H 1) . "Nineteen years lat'er, the system
is a mess: a,. pl.asstye c\'U).dsuppon industrial
complex has developed, .countless numbers
of parents~alm~st e?Sslustvely .,fl.\Jhers--have been 'jailed . for 'n on-payment, and
there is no evidence that outcomes for
children have !~proved" (p .l60Y:
;y
Every two minutes in my madness I wonder
Is this the time to rear off all of my clothes
and run screaming into the desperate streets
raking flesh from bare arms with bloody
fingernails
mind aflame with images of Iraqi children
sheltered in the trembling arms of mothers
in barren cellars rocked by
explosions
dust drifting off of walls and ceilings filling
nostrils eyes and throat
no potable water no breathable air nowhere
to go nowhere to go
oh god why hast thou forsaken me forsaken
them forsaken us
no no no
I must not do this
I must remember the infinite source of peace
of love within which
animates me animates us animates all deep
within
urging the light of compassion into the world
to be this light to be this hope
to knciJ this as my own inner nature
as the inner nature of all
to offer it to the world
yes this is so yes the light is there and yes
but
oh lord she sits trembling in the cellar still
and oh god the children and the h ouse
trembles and the dust falls and
·
the sky rains fire
and this in tny name this in our name
and the darkness that blackens the hearts of
the leaders
and blinds the eyes of the terrified soldiers
the young ones
forgive them lord for th ey know not what
they do
please in thy infinite mercy may their eyes
be opened their h earts
break open
but only their flesh is torn and the scarlet
blood flows into the
desert sand
and
no no t this please this paralyzes me
1 must wri te a letter I must write a poem
1 must embrace my children my friends
I must not feel helpless
I must remember that
they draw their dark power from the reservoir
of our fear and anger
so they till the soil of our inner being with
terror and rage
therein to sow the seeds of their owp power
I must not offer up the soil of myself for this
I must resist the fear
I must transcend the anger
I must know them as brothers and sisters
I must re member it is th e same light that
casts us out
Much that is in these studies is very
disturbing, and gives reasons for the often
emotional opposition noncustodial parents
h<tve to the child support system as it now
operates. The point of biggest contention
revolves ·around a conflict in purposes for
child support. Its name, "child support,"
implies; that these funds are intended to
pay for ithe costs of raising rhe child, and
noncusrodial parents (and the rest of the
public) assume that is what is happening,
The "experts'' and governmental decision
makers, however, view the chtld support
process as having the larger social purpose
of equ$lizing income and srandards of
living, disregarding how much it costs to
raise a child and, in many cases, what the
noncustodial parent's income and employment situation actually is. Since these
people have the power to affect public
policy, practically it is their view that
prevails and powers the monumental collection system that seems both unstoppable
and u ncorrectable.
The amcles in this collection dearly point
to mariy factors that make our divorce
process even more difficult and disruptive
~han it !leeds to be. Improving the famil~
reorganization process (or real families
and actual mothers and fa thers will require
that the "disaster" 'a nd "mess" of the child
~uppo~t payment process be radically
improved as well.
Carl Erikson is the Men's Resource Center's
director of operations, a writer and textile artist
He's co facilitated MRC Men & Divorece groups. !c,
one and all from the same source of all
yes let peace begin with me
yes I will not contribute my own fear rage
grief helplessness to this
scourge
1 am peace I am peace I am peace
l am trembling as the salty tears drain into
the corners of my mouth
as she sits in the cellar in the dust in the dark
oh mercy I will take to the streets
I will march from here to Baghdad
1 will climb into my bed and draw the covers
over my head
1 will send another email send another email
send another email
l will be an inspiration to my friends
1 will fiNd strength courage optimism
we are building a worldwide peace movement
this is good no this is crazy
the walls are falling
I will be
peace
oh
oh
oh
oh
- jonathan Klate
oh ,
jonathan Klate lives in Amherst, Massachusetts
where he writes frequently about spiritt1al maturity,
progressive politics, and the relationship between
these two. © 2003
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21
Voting Is Not the Only Way to Make Change
By lan Trefethen
V
oting isn't much fun these days. And
it doesn't matter whether it was your
seventh presidential election or, as in
my case, your second. For younger voters like
me, who faced the choice of the rich, straight,
white guy from Yale, or the other rich, straight,
white guy from Yale, there wasn't much room
for the voice of the people. Sure, you could
make a statement and vote for a third party.
But then you don' t get a say in the lesserof-the-two-evils match-up . Such elections
are often a no-win situation for the voter.
After watching 1V for too long on November
2, I went to sleep and had a nightmare . I
dreamt that rich people had control of the
government. The same people who ran the
government were the heads of companies
that make bombs and own the media. They
had no real accountability to the population
they governed, and they spent billions manipulating people. They fought wars with the
public money and without the public's consent.
It was as if democracy didn't exist in the
United States.
Unfortunately, when I woke up (in a cold
sweat) on November 3 , my nightmare was
reality. Regardless of who had won the election
charade, it was all true. Citizen input into the
government amounts to choosing which sellout candidate ·will run things for the next
several years. Is democracy just a fad, like slap
bracelets and fanny packs? Considering that
half the population couldn't legally vote until
not that many decades ago (women and people
of color), it seems that true democracy may
always have been a myth.
Many people who are affected by the outcome of elections don't even have a tiny voting
voice: people in prison -(disproportionately
people of color) , non-citizens, people. illegally
purged from voting lists, people under 18,
and the rest of the non-U .S. world. Yet as
token as it is, voting is still a privilege . If we
believe that one candidate is better than the
other, then it 's worth levering a lever or
touching a touch screen once every couple
of years . (Which reminds me, what's with
the computerized voting machines? They leave
no paper trail, can be easily tampered with,
and are owned by corporation~ with political
agendas. Scaaary.) So, yes, after first saying
that voting in presidential elections is barely
effective, I would still encourage people to
do it .
to our survival. Considering the current
ecological disaster facing us, and the rate of
pollution and overdevelopment, we're on track
to make this planet unfit for life by . ..let's see,
carry the l...a week from Thursday. There's
no excuse to be apathetic or uninterested in
politics. That is, assuming you want to live .
That's why I went to the Democratic
National Convention this pastjuly. To protest.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a Bush supporter
(Insert your own partisan joke here. For
instance , "''m not that suicidal. ") However,
many of the reasons to dislike Bush also
apply to Kerry: Kerry didn't oppose the idea
of the Iraq war, Kerry supported the USA
Patriot Act, Kerry didn't challenge corporate
globalization . He was financed by large
corporations , he didn' t support same-sex
marriage ... the list goes on. Yes, Kerry supports
the idea of the war! I even heard him say he
wanted to expand it. Why weren't all you antiwar people in Boston at the DNC to boo
that slightly-friendlier fascist? The situation
may be worse with Bush in office, but Kerry
was no savior. For the sake of democracy, we
must look beyond voting and this two-party
system . Way beyond .
Time didn't stop on November 3. People
are still dying in Iraq. People are still hungry
and don't have adequate health care . The
environment is still being destroyed and the
earth made uninhabitable. There 's so much
hype around presidential elections-once
they're over, you'd think everyone was done
with politics for another four years. Voting
is just one small way to try to make change.
The work toward making the world a fun,
free , and safe place for all people and the
earth goes on every day in many ways. Every
moment is critical, but we're stilhn this for
·
the long haul.
The whole election process has made me
feel angry and like I want to puke. Sometimes
both at once . Yet, there are a couple good
things I see that came out of November 2
and the events leading up to it. One is john
Stewart and The Dai!Y Show's election coverage.
who rolled their eyes as I ranted back in 2000
were now bringing up the topics of those rants
to me. My hope is that people, especially my
peers , will stay active in their attempts to
change the world on a daily basis. The election
is not just a climax of many months, it is one
point in a frustrating and exciting process .
If we want to stop violence , hunger, and
oppression , our talk and action must go
further than the voting booth. We can "vote"
our opinions by visiting our representatives/
curren t dictators, by taking to the streets,
and by talking to our neighbors. We can
work on union drives , antiracist education,
corporate , environmental protections, and
community organizing, We can challenge our
schools and workplaces, our family and friends.
Most important, we can challenge ourselves.
Ian Trefethen is d recent graduate of the University
of Massachusetts-Amherst. Until he can pay his
bills by freelance writing or playing harmonica,
he'll be working at a mental health non-profit
in Cambridge, Mass .
~ave the
Date
MEN BEHAVIN6 WEll!
ACabin Fever Concert
A Performance for Families to Benefit
t~e MRC's Support Groups Program
Sunday, March 6, 2:00. ~M
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Especially us younger people. Statistically,
we'll be around for longer than all the gettingmore-conservative-by-the-day baby boomers.
It's important that we be involved in shaping
the world in positive ways.·rn fact, it's essential
No reluctance to my vote there: hilarious .
The other is that it gets people involved in
the po\itical process. It gets people thinking,
talking, and acting. This election did politicize
many people. My same 20-something friends
at the Jones library, Amherst
Music! Storytelling! Juggling!
Mime! Refreshments!
For more information or to offer help,
call (413) 253-9887, ext. 33 or email
[email protected]
Fathers ' RiLes (Contin ued from 16)
folks in America are like the canary in the coal
mine. Our fraternal violence bred from despair
is highly dramatic and well-publicized , but
consider the behaviors prevalent in many
men and one can see that heartless violence
is a cross-cultural phenomenon . Suburban
families quick to dismiss violence as something that happens elsewhere need only
remember Columbine and other suburban
school shootings. just last month in Plymouth,
Mass., nine high school boys were suspended
(and may be indicted) for an assault that sent
a ninth-grader to the hospital for surgery.
Intimate partner violence is widespread across
ethnic and class boundaries . Th e media
regularly report that men of varying socioeconomic and racial groups are charged
with (and convicted oD the beating or murder
of their wives or girlfriends.
Growing up in this atmosphere of violence,
our sons-all of them-are at risk. The serious
problem of teen violence will require a multipronged solution_ Standing outsidejR's funeral,
I wondered what would happen if all fathers
and sons could have the opportunity that I ·
had just weeks before. Would it prevent even
one teen murder? Certainly, the re-creation
of rites of passage for our young adolescent
males is not a panacea. But when fathers and
other responsible elders come together to
once again initiate our boys into the wisdom
of healthy masculinity, it can only help.While
we're at it, we may learn something ourselves.
Haji Shearer lives in Boston, facilitates men's
groups, and writes frequently f or Voice Male.
He can be reached at hajishearer@juno. com.
••• •••••••••••••••••••
Bear Essentials (Conti nued from page 18)
bears happened, so being a bear was anteceded
with sobriety-! could become a bear, because
it could be a sober identity for me. Second,
I was conscious of being HIV-infected (indeed,
I had fully expected to have died from AIDS)
before bears ever came into being-! could
become a bear as a gay man with HIV What
for me has been so disorienting and demoralizing has been the evolution of bears, along
the hippie-yuppie fault line, into a category
whereby being sober and having HIV are
now qualities that separate me from, rather
than bonding me with, other self-identifying
bears. Nowadays I am a bear with a difference,
a queerly queer bear-! am ~ trauma bear.
Bears, "Failed Gays," and Metrosexuals
"Bear," as a gay, bi, trans, lesbian , or queer
id entity, remains virtually unknown in
American mainstream society. It is curious
that even at the time of this writing, some 20
years after the emergence of self-identifying
be rs, they are still essentially invisible at the
level of public discourse or cultural-political
recognition . Bears, it seems , are rarely mentioned , and if they are , the remark often
contains some sense of incomprehension or
bemusement (the oddness of a bear identity) ,
or some form of social disapproval (fat, hairy,
older, ugly gay men "doing" bear "drag").
To have a fat or obviously untamed or
unregulated body is be a "failure " as a gay
man. The physicality of "bear" has also
challenged the (often media-driven) gaymainstream value of body-as-commodity,
whereby not just sexual desirability but
social recognition per se is contingent upon
conformity to a "fit body " standard. Selfidentifying bears have claimed the nonconforming male body as the primary physical
site of their implicit cultural sex and gender
politics. The assertion of bearish bodies arose
as conscious refutation of"clone" and "twink"
models of beauty, and occasionally of "good
gay" or "consumer queer" values and fashions
(urban, white, upwardly mobile middle-class).
However, as the notion of bears has permeated queer culture and media and reached
a greater level of acceptance, bears have
increasingly acculturated to gay-mainstream
values . "Muscle bears, " "A-list bears," and
those more formally recognized as "superior"
through celebrity (bear contest winners,
magazine cover models, objects of flattering
gossip in electronic and print media) signal
the transformation of the bear phenomenon
into a structured and self-regulating community
assimilating into the gay-dominant value
paradigm. But in the millennia! decade, the
fad of "metrosexuality" made plain the problem
of social "acceptance" of gay men by mainstream society. Everything positively (and'
stereotypically) gay became viewed as a
taste, a sensibility, a set of mannerisms to
be embraced and adopted by straight people.
Metrosexual men dress, talk, comport themselves , and in general create the illusion of
"being gay"--everything except experiencing
homoerotic desire. Bears may be seen as the
exact obverse-reasserting sexual desire as
primary to sexual identity.
Bears wrestle with the problems of being
a man (we lack meaningful analysis of the
significance of gay male masculinity-the
"man" part of "gay man") . Bears wrestle with
.the problems of being fat-of being "damaged
goods" in a culture of complete self-commodification. And bears wrestle with the
trauma induced by the phenomenon of gayon-gay homophobia. Fat gay men suffer the
same sort of discrimination that (straight)
fat women do. In a sexual subculture where
looks are even more important than in mainstream society (because so much of it is about
having sex), being sexually rejectedactively or by being rendered invisibleconstitutes a double trauma. Not only is one's
choice of sexual partners greatly reduced, but
one's entire raison d'etre is rejected. In a society
that has categorically defined homosexual
males as "failures " as men, there can be no
greater failure than to enter the gay world,
only to find oneself being rejected as a "failed"
homosexual (i.e., sexually desirable, sexually
realized) man.. _
function and develop, and in this sense bears
have gone the same way as every other subculture or community I can call to mind .
Similarly, it has been a very instructive
firsthand experience in understanding the
limitations of identity politics .
As I have worked my way through to
understanding my own guiding beliefs and
principles, for example as a radical egalitarian,
as a relatively privileged (because) white
multiculturalist and (because) male feminist,
as an internationalist (with very USAmerican feet of clay), and as a victim-survivor,
I have slowly, painfully, and with large servings
of humble pie learned my own limitations .
I have healed victim-survivor wounds, at long
last (child abuse, AIDS, social marginalization) .
I experienced illness, nervous collapse, and
loss of a career vision in those two yearsall sparked, in part, by the self-inventorying
this article necessitated.
My own bear history work is done. It is
now the work of many others , who have
much different stories to tell. "Queer as one,
queer as many" symbolizes reality and the
work that activists and historians must do.
My path is now one not of contestation, but
of acceptance. I am bear, unique unto myself,
as I am queer in a multicultural community.
I am finding a rebirth of my political activism
through spiritual activism. What is important
is not my words, but my actions.
Les Wright is a writer; teacher; lecturer; cultural
studies scholar; and frequent contributor to Voice
Male who continues to explore social and spiritual
visions of alternative masculinities.
---------------------------------------~II
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Where the Bears Are
As the bear phenomenon continued to gain
ground as a gay mainstream identity-predominantly white, ,middk-class, male homosexual-! became painfully aware of how
much I had attached myself, my personal
values and sense of identity, to bear identity.
My surprise, shock, and dismay arose as bears
went, at least in the publicly visible segments,
in directions I had no desire to go myself.
This has proved an enriching experience in
observing how communities and societies
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