The Bletchley Bugle

Ye Bletchley
Bugle
Wednesday Aprilis 1, 2015
Issue 13
Price 1 Turnip
GADZOOKS!
FOR SHE BE
A WITCH !
Exclusive!!!
She weighs the same as a duck!!
midst claims that her arrest is
part of a witch hunt, it has been
revealed that Gestapo Lil will
face trial by ducking stool.
years ago.
But several who have met her claim she
enchanted them, and forced them to invite
her to Christmas Dinner, or give her horses.
With drowning indicating innocence and
floating being a sure sign of guilt, Lils legal
team are pinning their hopes on her being
able to breathe through her arse as well
as she can talk out of it. Lil refutes claims
Central to the trial are claims that Lil can
hear voices, particularly those of celebrities,
politicians and dead children. But while few
believe that a witch trial can ever be fair,
most agree that it should make brilliant
telly. Amnesty International has so far
refused to comment on proceedings, while
a spokesman for Liberty claimed Lil had
turned him into a frog.
A
Lil had hoped for a defence from her coven in
Chipping Norton, but theyve recently been
struck dumb, for some mysterious reason.
Lil could be acquitted if there is a lack of
evidence against her, a fact she is all too
aware of. As an editor, I know its important
not to let facts get in the way of a good story,
revealed Brooks.
Etching courtesy of Ashton Kutcher
But there are certain double standards to
maintain.
Lil, Made of Wood
Being a journalist can often be something
of a dark art, which is why I would never
that she is in league with the Devil, having reveal my sorceries.
resigned from The Laurence Sterne Trust 5
WIN A PILGRIMAGE !!!!! SEE PAGE 10.
Rise in Male gamers improves
prospect of boyfriends for nerds
ew research has shown
that the number of
females playing games
on devices such as the
iPad is up 20% since in they were
last asked. The rise is believed
to due to more female friendly
games such as World of Warcraft,
and the fact that everyone else
was doing it. Teenage gamer Ms.
Lush explained, I have a dream
that one day showing a boy how
many points Ive accumulated on
a game on my iPad will be the new
giving him a ride in my car. Who
knows, being good at online poker
might become the new being good
at proper sports!
N
Oh, and by the way, if you actually
get to speak to any real live boys
could you maybe ask them if they
fancy a multi-player game on Call
of Duty Modern Warfare? You can
give them my gamertag. Thanks.
Let them know Ill protect them in
the game, obviously.
Ye Bletchley Bugle
Rufus Rambles NEW VOLUNTEERS
Page II
APRILIS 2015
ecently fired former Top Gear
presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been
seen wandering around a Bletchley
Park narrating the performance of
his Multimedia Guide.
R
Bletchley Park visitor and confirmed friend of
Bletchley Park Simon Williams claimed he saw
Clarkson several times during his weekly visit
to the park, and insisted he cut a forlorn figure.
DISCLAIMER
Ye Bletchley Bugle is a
fabricated, mostly satirical
newspaper published by
Pondlife Press.
Williams said, “I first saw him in the new hut 12
exhibition – well, technically I heard him first as
he came up behind me muttering ‘the Bletchley
Park multimedia guide is of course now on its
fourth iteration, and one would hope they’ve
addressed the performance concerns that have
dogged loyal customers such as myself, for
years’.”
SHOULD DANCE FOR
OUR AMUSEMENT,
INSISTS BRISS
T
he CEO has announced new plans
to make Volunteers dance for the
Management’s amusement.
It follows plans already revealed to have them
sign over the copyright for any work they
perform
“The volunteers are clearly worthless,” said Col.
Briss.
“They bleed money from the Site, by drinking
the free coffee we supply and wearing out the
carpet in the Mansion by standng on it, so we
think it’s only fair that they dance for our
amusement.”
Ye Bugle uses invented
names in all its stories, “I decided to follow him for a bit, because I
except in cases when public figures are wanted to know what he thought about the
being satirized. Any other use of real cornering.”
“Like the stupid bears peasants used to make
names is accidental and coincidental.
dance for you when your parents took you on
All contributors are responsible for ye
content of their own material in respect
to (but not limited to) copyright, libel
and defamation.
“Jeremy then said ‘Many had hoped for
improved navigation or more useful content,
but what we’re left with is a budget abomination
that appears to defy physics’.”
“I lost him for a bit as I had to have a look at
the Banbury Sheets, but by the time I reached
hut 8 he was talking to himself about the
headphones.”
The content of this publication (graphics,
text and other elements) is © Copyright
Pondlife Press 2015 and may not be
reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in
part without the express written consent “I heard him say ‘It’s finished in so much fake
of the publisher.
metallic red paint you’d think it belonged to a
Ye Bugle is not intended for people under
18 years of age.
If thou art aware of any copyright
infringement or have any other queries
or complaints, please contact us as soon
as possible so that we can investigate and,
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Please accept our apologies in advance
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offended.
Rufus T F
irefly
BLETCHLEY BUGLE SCRIPTORIUM
Tel: 01908 640404. Fax: 01908 272684
[email protected]
Chamber 43 Ye Mansion
Bletchley Park
Milton Keynes MK3 6EB
premiership footballer – though there’s barely
enough room inside for a drunken threesome.”
Clarkson reviews Multimedia Guide
Others have said that although Clarkson
seemed lonely, he did become more animated as
his review began to conclude.
holiday to Johnny Foreigner land,” he added.
New Volunteers
The new plans come from a wide range of
options to deal with the young volunteers that
included punching them in the face, kicking
them up the arse and making them walk about
with no trousers on wearing a hat saying ‘I am
a big fat Bletchley Park goon’.
“Yeah, I think it’s a really sensible policy,” said
hate-filled lunatic Jonny Dossier.
“Young Volunteers? I’ve got something
about that. It’s here somewhere,” said the
Headmistress before tripping over and spilling
her papers all over the pavement.
“I think it was something about Parking.”
Another visitor told us, “When he described
the handling of the multimedia guide as being
like trying to steer Bambi across the ice in
roller skates, he looked really quite happy with
himself – even if only briefly.”
“By the time he reached his car I saw him look at
his watch and say ‘Twenty-three minutes and
forty-three seconds – let’s see if the Stig can beat
that‘.”
“Then he sat in his car and cried for a bit.”
SUBSCRIPTIONS
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Thou shalt not
park in Block C
Carpark
Ye Bletchley Bugle
Page III
Park commemorates
great string shortage
of 1940
s a finale to the
Easter
celebrations,
Management
of
Bletchley Park are
putting
finishing
touches
to preparations for the 75th
anniversary of the great
string shortage of 1940, when
supplies of string almost ran
out, leaving local codebreakers
in danger of having no means
of securing their brown paper
parcels. Thankfully, owing
to a stringent programme of
rationing and responsible
wrapping throughout the Park
a catastrophe was narrowly
averted, and the event will now
be celebrated with a series of
street parties culminating in a
full-scale carnival.
A
All police leave has been
cancelled for the duration of the
festivities. Chief Constable Eric
Foster said ‘It’s going to be very
hard on me as the only bobby on
the beat, but as Chief Constable I
felt that I had no option. The last
time we had a big do I called the
Home Guard, but they were all
listening to The Archers.’
The event is fully supported
by 93 year-old Reverend
James Bingham. ‘Some of my
colleagues in the Church are
against holding what they
see as a pagan festival at
Easter’ he said. ‘But I see it as a
complementary celebration of
suffering and re-birth, and we
younger members of the clergy
are keen to make Christianity
relevant to important issues
that touch our lives in the
modern world.’
Long-term volunteer Amy
Chesterton was misty-eyed
as she reminisced about the
community
spirit
which
emerged during the crisis.
‘Brown paper and string were
such an important part of our
way of life, especially when
standards started to drop after
the war and people stopped
using sealing wax’ she said.
‘It was tough having to cope
with some of the more extreme
measures, like the ban on
making little string handles
for the parcels, but our selfdiscipline got us through.’
‘Some of the younger volunteers
suggested using Sellotape, but
we soon put a stop to that idea.
We didn’t fight two world wars
to end up with sticky tape, and
you couldn’t have had Julie
Andrews singing about brown
paper parcels wrapped up in
tacky transparent plastic.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m
just going for a nice sit-down,
and then I really must get on.
Easter’s almost over already
and I haven’t even started to
wrap my Christmas presents.’
APRILIS 2015
HUMAN RELEASED INTO THE WILD
Robin Koemans
Beds
octor Golfball, a Duty
Manager from Bucks,
was
today
released
into the wild following
a moving and sombre farewell
ceremony attended by a number
of distinguished people and
company representatives who had
hitherto been fighting to keep him
in captivity.
D
‘It finally dawned on us that try
as we might to ease the plight
of this poor Duty Manager, the
stress of being kept in the work
environment day after day was
simply getting too much for him,’
said company boss Hugh Briss.
‘It was becoming increasingly
apparent that the little critter
really wasn’t happy, and none of
us here could sit back and watch
that, so we decided it was time to
set him free.’
Etching courtesy of Ashton Kutcher
Golfball - free at last
attended by the company
accountants, the HR manager, and
the chief executive who modestly
played down suggestions that he
might become something of a hero
to the environmental movement.
Senior politicians also attended
the happy ceremony, accepting
that some of their colleagues had
After being transported from his probably added to the stress caused
Bletchley base in the boot of an to Dr Golfball, with inadequate, ill
estate car with the dog guard up, thought-out and corrupt policies
Dr Golfball was finally released at local and national level. ‘Think
at a secret location north of of all the volunteers and call
Uttoxeter where he will be able to centres who had hounded him,
roam around in over a thousand all the salesman and insurance
acres of mixed woodland and open brokers trying to get money off
countryside and will generally be him all the time. He won’t have to
free to make it up as he goes along worry about that any more.’
without the oppressive restrictions
In preparation for the big day
of his former workplace.
his employers had carefully
The farewell ceremony was managed his behaviour, secretly
encouraging him over a series of
weeks to forage for nuts, berries,
and Fry’s Turkish delight in the
desks of the secretarial staff. Any
doubts over him finding adequate
shelter were dispelled when it was
noted that he had spent most of
the last eight weeks hiding behind
piles of paper in the photocopy
room and hadn’t been discovered
once.
‘We hope it all goes well for him,’
said Col. Briss, his former boss.
‘Although I worry about him, being
out there all on his own without
a mate. That girl Marjorie from
accounts, the one who claimed I’d
harassed her, she’s looked very
anxious recently, worrying about
her mortgage, her bills and all
that. Perhaps it’s time we did the
decent thing and set her free too…’
Page IV
Ye Bletchley Bugle
JUST TWO WORDS......
Andy Mellett Brown
Harringay, North London.
ast July I took my in-laws, Jim and
Bridget Mellett, for a look around
the new Bletchley Park. I say ‘new’
because so much has changed in the
last two years. It was my first look at the
new visitors’ centre in C-block and at some
of the newly restored huts.
L
I ought to declare, now, that it is difficult for
me to be objective about the Park because I so
loved the way it was when I first discovered
it. And I guess I’m still smarting from the way
that the radio society, of which I am President,
was evicted from the Park (as were most, if not
all, of the other voluntary groups that together,
worked so hard to save the Park in the first
place).
Block C, which was derelict only two years ago,
is now fully ‘restored’ (did it ever really look
like that?), as are some of the huts and it seems
only fair to say that a great job has been done
on the buildings themselves. But what struck
me, most of all, walking around them today,
is how relatively empty they are – and lifeless.
Many of the collections and people who made
the Park so fascinating have gone. Block C itself
– a vast space with a beautiful new concrete
floor – is almost devoid of exhibits entirely,
albeit that most of this building is given over
to the reception, gift shop and cafe. Visitors are
greeted with display boards and video footage,
which was an ominous sign.
The approach to the restored huts has been to
make them look as they did seventy years ago
and to use video display to portray the people
that worked in them. Which is fine. The trouble
is that once you’ve walked into one room with
a desk, a typewriter and an old coat hanging in
the corner, you don’t really need to walk into
another… and another… and another. I kept
thinking, ‘Yes, but where are the exhibits?’
Two years ago, visitors could walk into Hut 1, for
example, and see a teleprinter in action. Or try
a morse key. Or have a volunteer demonstrate
picollo (the mode of transmission used by the
Diplomatic Wireless Service to send signals
to our embassies overseas). Or try one of the
radios on display. They could talk to someone
who understood and used this equipment
professionally and had personal experience of
the kind of the work that was done at the Park.
Sadly, all that seems to have gone. Hut 1 is now
empty (the exhibitor was forced to leave) and
most of the displays around the Park are static.
Trying to be positive, I must say that I liked,
very much, the use of sound around the Park.
As you walk past the restored tennis court, for
example, you hear the sound of people playing
tennis and similar has been done elsewhere.
It is very well implemented and really adds
atmosphere.
Staying positive, the Enigma and Bombe
displays in the basement of B-Block are, of
course, wonderful and a real highlight. BP is
worth visiting for that alone.
But then, having enjoyed the fantastic display in
the basement of B-block, upstairs comes as such
a disappointment. The bay where we spent so
many weekends running GB2BP (then the Park’s
resident amateur radio station), demonstrating
morse/teletype/vintage and modern radio to the
public, now houses a very weakly implemented
wartime school classroom. It is nothing more
than a few rows of old school desks and chairs.
Embarrassing, to be honest.
And that’s the trouble, really. Other than
the Enigma and Bombe machines (etc) in the
basement of B-block, there’s just not very much
to see in the new museum at Bletchley Park.
Worst of all, is the dreadful fence, erected by
the Bletchley Park Trust to segregate the new
museum from the rest of the site and, especially,
from The National Museum of Computing
(TNMOC). There can be no justification for this
eyesore and it really is disgraceful that BPT
persist with it.
Having finished our tour of the new museum,
we were forced by the fence to exit the main
museum site and then to walk the whole of the
length of the Park, uphill, to get to the National
Museum of Computing to see Colosssus and
the other wonderful exhibits there. For elderly
visitors, this is quite a trek – Jim and Bridget
both found it hard going. Were it not for the
fence, this would not be an issue.
Entering TNMOC, the contrasting styles of
the two museums is immediately apparent.
Whereas the main museum was mostly devoid
of exhibits, TNMOC was packed to the rafters
with exhibits and people only too willing to
demonstrate and to chat about them. And
many of these are working exhibits – so you can
actually see the thing in use.
TNMOC is now the jewell in the Bletchley Park
crown, in my opinion, and is actually a far more
interesting museum. Of course it has, since it was
segregated from the main museum, struggled to
attract visitors in the same volume it did before
the fence. That BPT have deliberately made it so
difficult for visitors to get to TNMOC is shameful.
If you visit Bletchley Park, I do strongly
recommend TNMOC. It is a wonderful museum
with some quite stunning displays. Its use
of volunteers, with personal knowledge and
experience of the exhibits and the work of BP,
gives it a much more authentic feel than the
shiny new visitors centre in C-Block.
Bletchley Park couldn’t stay as it was – I do
appreciate that. The buildings were in desperate
need of restoration. Thankfully, much of that
work has now been done and the long term
future of these buildings has been secured. So
well done BPT for that.
But much of the Park’s past charm came from
the authenticity of the place and, to a point,
the fact that it hadn’t all been ‘restored’ in the
modern museum style. More importantly, it
came from the people – the volunteers – and
the private collections based at the Park, each
with their own fascinating story. And of course,
the strength of the exhibits – like those in Hut
1, which housed the most fantastic collection
(of diplomatic and spy radio equipment and a
great deal more besides). It is such a shame that
so much of that has been lost. For me, the new
museum at BP feels a bit too much like all the
other ‘dead’ museums one visits. Static exhibits
APRILIS 2015
and endless display boards with nobody there
to explain them.
Still, for me, Bletchley Park, as a whole, will
always be a magical place and it was looking
at the Colossus rebuild, in TNMOC, that I was
suddenly reminded why. Sticking out from the
teleprinter attached to Colossus was a sheet
of paper with those two little words (or is it
three?)….
Ye
Bard
is a pity I do not have a
Shakespearian Thesaurus by my
elbow to delve into and find some
oh so suitable words to described
the emasculation than has been wrought
on Bletchley Park by the axis of the dumb
military minds.
T
Despite not being of a martial state of mind
I always thought that the rude comments
about the limitations of the military mind
were just that, rude and jokingly inaccurate
descriptions. But of course the stupendously
unpleasant, disingenuous, and obfuscating
thought processes of Hugh Briss and his bunch
of slavish foot soldiers has just shown that
such rude comments are not just disturbingly
accurate but the actions of such minds are often
fatal to those they are meant to protect and
nurture.
His manic not to say obsessive application of
strict myopic concentration on the supposed
core message of wartime Bletchley Park has
left more wreckage of the history of the Park
than the Axis powers could ever have hoped to
have achieved. I need not point out that history
is not a neat sanitised and simplistic set of
explanations but a mostly accidental wreckage
of good, bad and ordinary events enlivened
by the wonders and absurdities of human
endeavour.
Those of us who have taken part in the telling
of the tales of BP know this and revel in it, but
the current management seem to have taken
against such inconvenient reality and are
determined to create a rather dull and inhuman
version of what is a fantastic tale. So no Oscar,
just a lame turkey.
More collections and human interest going from
the Park, so what excuse will visitors have for
going to the place, touching the stones of a once
great place as though touching some religious
relics where just the fingernail of a saint is
left. Walking the route and seeing the rooms
where some film or documentary was filmed.
Be photographed where Benedict Cumberbatch
was filmed doing his bit as someone else. Maybe
in years to come visitors will be curious about
the real history of the place and its people but
whether they will be able to see or find that on
their visits is I suspect highly questionable.
Less is not more, just a hell of a lot less. A park
reduced to a blasted Heath, where even to wood
has marched away and left a barren landscape.
Page V
Ye Bletchley Bugle
APRILIS 2015
also ruthless to those who would abuse his kind
nature and fatherly oversight. What action he
and his Knights at arms will take has not been
decided as yet but it has been noticed that the
boarder security has been tightened.
Phyllis Coles
came here in 1942, but can’t
remember the month, and stayed for
the remainder of the war. I worked
in Mr Freeborn’s department, which
was a little wooden hut at that time. I was
working on punched cards which I’d never
seen or heard of before I arrived here. I
had an interview with Mr Freeborn and his
secretary, prior to coming to work here. He
asked me all sorts of questions to find out if
I was suitable.
I
To start with we had these little machines, little
hand machines, what they were called I can’t
remember. I wasn’t in there for long, because
gradually as it got busier and busier and
more people kept coming in, the Hut needed to
expand, so they put us into C Block. At that time
we had a 5-week shift, consisting of short days,
long days and nighttimes. It was a system that
was very good for girls living away from home,
because now and again they would get a nice
long weekend. I also went to do some work
in Drayton Parslow, but that was on a much
smaller scale but doing the same job. I went
there I think about 3 times, for about a week
at a time. That went on throughout the war as
well.
C Block was divided into different sections.
There was one section with a machine we called
the Flora-Dora or something. A terrific machine
and really antiquated, you had a wheel in
cardboard with different sections and we had
to work out these things – I remember it being
quite exciting. That usually happened at night.
It was a big establishment; we had a lot of girls
here and a lot of University girls from Scotland
who came down. And of course lots of engineers
as these machines had to be kept in working
condition. We didn’t have to do a lot ourselves;
we had these pegboards, which they set up
during the day to put into the machines. When
the cards went through they wanted selections
of them. The work was the same day or night
I think it was practically the same, there were
so many of us, 50 at least. The machines were
always breaking down so there were always a
lot of engineers – RAF – around. The trouble was
when you’re dealing with so many cards, they
used to pile up and tear in the machine, all sorts
of nasty things would happen.
We would see quite a lot of Mr Freeborn, he was
always about. There was Mr Whelan, Ronnie
and Norman they were like the chief ones. And
there was a Mr Smith, a very elegant man;
always walking about making sure everything
was being done all right. It was quite an
interesting life really.
We were all divided up but we always had a
young man, our one I think had been brought
up with Hollerith, as he knew the working of
the punch-card thing. We also had a girl who
was very highly qualified. But we just did what
they told us to do, but a lot of the work we knew
resulted in a lot of failures – trial and error.
umours have reached this reporter
that all is not well between King
Briss, most gracious Lord and
Overseer of the Mighty Kingdom
of Bletchley Park and the neighbouring
Democratic Principality of the NRC. It
would appear from reports received in this
office that one of the proletariat scribes,
G4HJE, has had the audacity to put quill to
parchment and produce a scroll entitled Fort
Bridgewoods. The parchment relates the
story of a Victorian Fort used as a Y Station.
R
This is of course a direct challenge to our Mighty
and benevolent ruler King Briss, who derives
a great deal of revenue form manuscripts on
the history of the Kingdom and has sanctioned
that all written material relating to this is the
intellectual property of himself. As all we the
serfs within the Kingdom are well aware, King
Briss, while being kind and beloved by all, is
The portcullis at the NRC is now permanently
closed and frequently the drawbridge is raised;
and although the Barbican may appear deserted
there are guards visible in the Gatehouse and
Lower Baily every day. Whether this dispute will
escalate into fa full blown war is not known.
Similar actions by the principality of NCC
resulted in the reinforcing of the boarder and
construction of a curtain wall by King Briss. This
action resulted in crippling financial sanctions
being brought to bear on the upstarts of NCC and
a great loss of revenue.
From one of the Oubliettes in the fortress
Principality of the NRC the entrenched radio
amateurs were unrepentant. They pointed out that
although King Briss may rule the independent
state of Bletchley Park his tyrannical dictates
held no sway in their democratic principality
and also that the parchment referred to the
activities in the benevolent dictatorship of Fort
Bridgewood so was therefore not under the role
of King Huge Briss.
Page VI
Ye Bletchley Bugle
rriving back in the education
department the other Monday, Sid
Sidewinder was surprised to find the
place nearly all locked up and noone around. No Headmistress, no teachers
or schools only Jeyes and a new lady staring
at a screen and saying, “try pressing that...!”
A
Asking why no schools, he was informed that
the Headmistress has decided that, as there are
now no volunteer educatorsd left the schools
can try something new. This has been given the
title of Student Self Guided Tours. Basically this
consists of the following: On arrival the school
is met by anyone available at C Block, relieved
of the appropriate fee and handed a stack of A4
photocopies (under no circumstances are they
to get hold of a media tablet) describing BP,
and more or less told to get on with it. They can
visit B Block Museum if they show any interest
in Enigma. If the teacher has the temerity to
ask about lunch under cover, they are advised
that the garage should be available. Also told
not to come back to C Block until their planned
departure time, unless of course they appear to
have monies about their person - then maybe a
little earlier.
NYONE
using
faux-medieval
phrases like ‘Methinks’ or ‘good Sir’
is to be given medieval punishments
like the rack and the Iron Maiden.
A
The punishments have been revived in response
to the spread of medieval language, believed to
have been transmitted from the real ale to the
craft beer communities.
Chief inspector Roy Hobbs said: “In the year
2014, there is no excuse for exclaiming ‘Zounds!’
“People across the country are leaving
conversations traumatised after unexpectedly
being hit with ‘mayhap’, and evenings out are
left in ruins after being described as ‘making
merry’.
M
Rumour has it that Hugh Briss has for some
time been planning to set ye paying peasants
at Bletchley Park a similar ordeal. Ye plan
formulated over ye past year is to make
Bletchley Park ye biggest centre of false images
and frivolous fakes in Christendom. Various
copies and artistic interpretations of genuine
artefacts have been placed in very conspicuous
places under intense torchlight to make ye task
easier.
Said Hugh “We are very proud of our Holywode
heritage and are keen to promote anything
which will get more peasants across ye
drawbridge. We are particularly pleased
that “Christabell” can be called a device of
witchcraft and sorcery to rival our enemy’s
evil contraptions. We will, however, have to
exclude Saxon Plumbers from ye competition
as it would be too stressful to see such a misuse
of lead water pipe. Ye sundial has been removed
for repair but we hope to have it back in time for
ye whipping post awards ceremony”
Whilst in Bruges stocking up on gin and fags, he
was approached by a seedy looking youth trying
to flog Time Share holiday accommodation.
Under the pretence of being a possible purchaser,
Sid done the rounds, found out what a perfect
scam this was and decided this was just what BP
needed.
However, when eventually he got in touch with
the Headmistress, she was suddenly very cool
with the suggestion, and kept sneaking a quick
look at some notes on her desk. Sid suddenly
realised he wasn’t the first to think of this idea.
His thoughts on using Classroom 3 for a Time
Share office and exhibition are now on hold.
aster Doug Fishbone a conceptual
artist sets lovers of art a challenge to find ye false eastern copy among
ye south London gallery’s 270 tapestries.
Some of ye items have been nailed together so
poorly that they have already broken and fallen
apart. So as not to confuse ye more diligent
peasant these items are kept in ye dark dungeon
of Hut 11 with ye infernal noise of tortured souls
and screaching small birds. This is to ensure
that there is no chance of recognising what they
are supposed to represent.
Sid was impressed with these new arrangements
as they fell in exactly with his next bid idea.
Imagine his delight when he found out that
loads of suitable accommodation would shortly
become available and with minimum outlay
the money would come rolling in. The Toy
Museum was now vacant, the Post Office was
going to follow shortly. Don (man mowing the
lawn fame) and Larry (big man with lots of keys
and black dustbin liners) were about to leave
which meant two cottages would also shortly
become available. Doing the sums this looked
like a licence to print money. If he could sell the
units at £6,000 per 7 day share for let’s say just
13 weeks of the year, that would bring in a tidy
£312,000 pa. Then of course there was the annual
maintenance charge, let’s say £500 a pop would
realise a further £26,000 pa...! What can possibly
go wrong?
APRILIS 2015
Not as painful as hearing ‘My liege!’
“The people of the Middle Ages had an answer
to this, and they have left us the torture devices
to repeat it.
“From now on anyone using ‘perchance’ will
get the thumbscrews, any utterance of ‘twas’
will be rewarded by the choke-pear, and saying
‘Gadzooks!’ will see you hung, drawn and
quartered at the town gibbet.”
The laws come into place for tonight’s Bletchley
Parks Beer Festival, where the balcony of the
Mansion will be lined by crossbowmen waiting
for a signal.
Volunteer Coordinater Fenella said: “They’re
ready to open fire the moment anyone says
they’re ‘quaffing ale’ or refers to me as ‘wench’.
“And they will.”
Page VII
Ye Bletchley Bugle
Stage I
Stage II
Stage III
9.15am
Gode Morning Bletchley
9.00am
Movie Premiere:
Bozo the Clown
12.00pm
Lunchtime News
The Curator of the Park, Gestapo
‘Lil waffles on about some old
scrap paper found in the huts roof
9.30
I was proud of my
designing skills ‘til you
came along
Various people are humbled
by foppish cads entering their
exhibits and telling them how
disgusting their designing tastes
are.
10.30
Ye Park
Briss is delighted when a married
couple - both doctors - come
to visit. However, when he
discovers that one of the doctors
is a psychiatrist, he grows
increasingly paranoid...
12.30pm
Briss’ Empire
An inspector is coming over and
Briss wants everything to be as
good as gold for when he gets to
Bletchley Park. However Briss
then has to deal with a problem
when a pigeon gets into hut 4. It
gets worse and worse when their
ideas go wrong. Later it’s Helen’s
birthday and Briss has brought
her a moped and she is very upset.
When the inspector arrives what
will happen when he makes his
inspection?
1.00
CSI: Bletchley
The global franchise reaches
Buckinghamshire and this
week the CSI are called in when
a primary school teacher’s
timeshare experiment goes
horribly wrong.
3.00
Wednesday Cinema:
Honey, I Shrunk the
Exhibits
Bozo plods about his duties as
park clown, and uses all of his
free time getting seriously drunk.
Binky, another clown, wins the
spot on a local kiddie show, which
depresses Bozo even more
Bozo the Clown..............................................Hugh Briss
Binky the Clown............................John Dodgy Dossier
Bloke mowing lawn.........................Don the Gardener
11.00
Worlde of Sport
Live coverage of the International
volunteer stoning competition
2.00pm
Art thou been Serfed?
A stall to sell “Briss” perfume has
arrived on the floor, but because
of the thick fog, the Briss salesgirl
has not arrived. Bombardier
brown nose is then made to staff
the stall. This means that the
bookshop is undermanned, so Mr.
Dossier orders a furious Col Briss
to work the counter.
3.15
Bobinson Crusoe
Adaptation of Defoe's classic.
Friday tries to teach Bobinson
how to make cups of tea but
Bobinson runs away.
3.30
Horizon
How Mad Art Thou?
Horizon presents a documentary
on six people that have come
together for an extraordinary test.
Five are ‘normal’ and one has been
officially diagnosed as mentally ill.
Can the experts tell the difference?
4.00
Station Ecks
Four volunteers gather at a
doughnut shop and swap stories
about their dealings with
mankind. But one thing all the
devils have in common is that
at some point in their lives they
have run into Hugh Briss who
somehow has the ability to see
the volunteers’ true forms
Because between breakfast and
lunch, A guide will have Jumped
the Queue in hut 4, and you need
to know about it.
12.30pm
Movie Premiere:
The Stepford Guides
Joanna Eberhart has come to the
quaint little town of Stepford
near Bletchley, with her family,
but soon discovers there lies
a sinister truth in the all too
perfect behavior of Bletchley Park
Volunteers
Joanna Eberhart.......................................Melissa Hobs
Dick Tator.......................................................Hugh Briss
Brandon Cattell.......................Bombardier Brownose
Head of MI6................................................John Dossier
Dr. DeKay........................................................Bob Lovely
Jean Poole........................................................Ms. Parsly
Lucy Fer...............................................................Ms. Lush
P. Brain.................................................Larry the Loafter
Bloke Picking Nose...........................Don the Gardener
Man eating pizza...................................Tommy Briggs
2.30
Film:
The Museum Of Things
Harry Rump is manager of the
Bletchley Museum of Things, a
visitor attraction with no good
attractions. He has an endless
supply of ideas to turn around
the museum’s fortunes, and
desperately wants to win the
respect of his domineering boss.
Unfortunately, there are three
big problems: misanthropic
Education manageress Constance
Noring, chronically lazy
Gardener Orson Carte and the
manipulative wannabe Willie
Leak who runs the Bounce Indoor
Trampoline Park.
Harry Rump..................................................Hugh Briss
Constance Noring....................................Headmistress
Orson Carte.........................................Don the Gardener
Willie Leak.....................................................Bob Lovely
Man eating Hotdog...............................Tommy Briggs
4.00
Survivors
4.30
Ye Office
When a CEO evicts ninety-five
percent of the park’s population,
the survivors must the museum
in the face of overwhelming
odds. “Survivors” is a study of
man vs. CEO and man vs. man
in an attempt to reclaim an
unrelenting world.
Duty manager informs on how
many visitors come though
the door, including the great
unwashed
A documentary crew arrives at
the offices of Bletchley Park to
observe the employees and learn
about modern management.
Manager Hugh Briss tries to
paint a happy picture, while the
headmistress with her nemesis
Gestapo ‘Lil and flirts with
Groundsman Don
A wacky and alternative look at
the dubious managerial skills
of the draconian bletchley park
Management team, as they
mock, bully, ridicule and evict the
people who originally saved the
Park for future generations
4.55
As Stage 1
4.55
As Stage 1
5.00
Theatre Closeth
5.00
Theatre Closeth
5.00
Theatre Closeth
The CEO of a codebreaking
museum, shrinks the amount of
exhibits in just two years
Bozo the Clown..............................................Hugh Briss
Willy................................................John Dodgy Dossier
Ethel........................................................... Headmistress
Bloke mowing lawn.........................Don the Gardener
4.40
Boke of Gode Cookery
Fifteen minutes of cookery
heaven with the gorgeous Briggs
4.55
Final Score
4.30
Mock The Weak
APRILIS 2015
Ye Globe Guide
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