Deep Down Cowboys Script

theatre alibi
Deep Down Cowboys
by Daniel Jamieson
© Daniel Jamieson 2011
FOR EDUCATIONAL USE ONLY
1
Deep Down Cowboys
(Onstage is a giant, closed drum. A man’s voice starts to sing from inside
in Russian, echoing plaintively. A woman in a white coat swings open the
door of the drum. Inside the man sings on, tightening bolts one by one with
a large spanner.)
Natasha
Subways, caves, empty churches…
They all make Oleg sing.
Anywhere with an echo. But his favourite place is inside the
hospital washing machines.
Bigger than your one at home eh?
Twenty thousand sheets a week these machines wash. And
Oleg keeps them going.
I’m Oleg’s wife…
Oleg
She’s being modest. Tell them what you do Natty.
Natasha
I’m a doctor.
Oleg
A doctor! Who married a washing machine mechanic! She
must be mad!
Natasha
I heard him singing in the corridor one day. I fell in love with
his voice…
Oleg
And she needed her washing machine fixing!
Natasha
Oleg!
(Oleg laughs and sings again, back to work.)
2
Anyway. We always have lunch together, the doctor and the
mechanic.
What are you doing?
Oleg
My favourite job. Cleaning out the filters.
(He unscrews a little hatch at the bottom of the drum and peers inside. )
Natasha
Sounds disgusting.
Oleg
It’s fascinating! The stuff that ends up in the wash by
accident…
(Fishing things out of the filter,) Glasses… pens… false
teeth… And watches. Always watches…
Natasha
I hope you give them back.
Oleg
Fat lot of use. They’re always ruined.
Hang on…
(He looks curiously at a watch, then listens to it.)
This one’s still working.
Natasha
This is how I found him one lunchtime - just staring at a watch.
Boo!
(Oleg jumps.)
Sorry. Only me.
(She kisses him but he carries on looking at the watch.)
What?
Oleg
This is a submariner’s watch. I had one just like it.
3
Natasha
Let’s see… Very nice.
Oleg
They’re indestructible.
(She turns it over.)
Natasha
“G. G.”
Oleg
(Murmurs,) Grisha?
Natasha
You think you know the man who owns it?
Oleg
It can’t be.
Natasha
It might be. What‘s his surname?
Oleg
Golitsin. Grisha Golitsin.
Natasha
Mr Golitsin? ! I gave him a chest X ray this morning!
Oleg
You’re joking!
Natasha
No!
Oleg
What’s he doing here?
Natasha
He’s ill of course.
Oleg
(Oleg frowns at the watch.) I haven’t seen him for twenty five
years…
4
Natasha
Did you fall out or something?
Oleg
No…
Natasha
I’ll take it back to him if you like…
Oleg
No…! I will.
Natasha
Ok. If that’s what you’d prefer.
(Oleg goes off in a daze, looking at the watch.)
I knew Oleg had been a sailor on a submarine before I met
him but he never talked about it, so I never asked.
Anyway. (She puts on her coat and makes to leave.)
A few days later I was just on my way home when I happened
to pass Mr Golitsin's room...
(She stops by a door - singing can be heard faintly behind it. She knocks
but there's no answer. She slips in. We go in with her. A man in a cowboy
hat and boots is singing and dancing with his thumbs in his cowboy
waistcoat. The patient lies groaning with his head under his pillow. The
cowboy is Oleg.)
Oleg
(Singing,) "...Rollin‘ rollin‘ rollin‘, though the streams are
swollen, keep them dogies rollin‘, rawhide.
Rain and wind and weather, hell-bent for leather,
Wishin‘ my girl was by my side.
5
All the things I‘m missin‘, good victuals, love and kissin‘,
Are waiting at the end of my line.
Move ‘em on, head ‘em up, head ‘em up, move ‘em on,
Move ’em on, head ’em up, rawhide.
Cut ’em out, ride ’em in, ride ’em in, cut ’em up,
Cut ’em out, ride ’em in, rawhide… "
Natasha
Oleg!
Oleg
Hello Natty.
Natasha
What on earth are you doing?!
(The patient gives a groan under his pillow.)
Mr Golitsin!
(She gently removes the pillow.)
Are you OK?
Grisha
I am now.
Natasha
How long has my husband been torturing you like this?
Grisha
Every day this week.
Natasha
Oleg…?
Oleg
Grisha is one of my oldest friends. We sailed together on the
same submarine.
Natasha
And the fancy dress? The singing?
6
(Pause. Natasha gets up to go.)
Oleg
Ok... I'll explain.
Grisha
You must forgive us. It's hard to know where to start.
(Natasha sits and folds her arms.)
Natasha
That's quite alright. Just start from the start. I'm all ears.
Grisha
Oleg, there's a model in my bag. Over there.
(Oleg picks out a half-painted model of a submarine.)
Oleg
Nice work!
Grisha
I haven't felt well enough to do anything to it for a while...
Oleg
This was our submarine - KT 88.
Grisha
"Katya", we called her.
Oleg
She was special - she could fire torpedoes from the back as
well as the front!
Natasha
What for?
Oleg
To hit any submarines sneaking up behind her I suppose.
Nat
Very useful…
7
Grisha
We were the rear torpedo crew.
Oleg
See those hatches on top?
Natasha
Yes?
Oleg
They had missiles underneath waiting to shoot up like a jackin-a-box.
Grisha
It was our job to go and point them at America.
Natasha
Charming.
Oleg
The Americans did the same to us.
Grisha
It kept the peace between us for years.
Oleg
“Don’t fire at us and we won’t fire at you.”
Natasha
Still. Not the safest way to keep the peace, is it…?
I've never been anywhere near a submarine. How does it go
up and down in the water?
Oleg
It has tanks full of air on the sides which make it float. Here.
Grisha
Like water wings.
Oleg
To sink, the tanks are filled with sea water.
Grisha
You blow air into the tanks to make it float again.
8
Oleg
Hopefully.
Natasha
Wasn't Katya safe?
Oleg
Just very old by then.
Grisha
But basically she was strong as a bank safe.
Natasha
I don't think I'd like to go to sea in a bank safe...
So when did you two meet?
Oleg
1983. We both joined the Navy in the same year.
Grisha
(To Oleg,) There’s a picture in my bag too…
(Oleg fetches it out, a grainy black and white portrait of three young
Russian sailors.)
Natasha
Wow!
Oleg
That's me… and that's Grisha!
Grisha
1984 that was taken. The day we had an official visit from
Admiral Belikov.
(They stand as if in the picture.)
Natasha
How young you look.
Oleg
Just boys I s'pose.
9
Grisha
You were shy because you came from the great plains where
there was nothing but grass and sky.
Oleg
You were gloomy cause you came from the forest where it
was always dark.
Grisha
How on earth did we end up on a submarine? I’d never even
seen the sea before.
Oleg
Me neither. I volunteered cause I heard the food was good.
Grisha
Me too.
Natasha
And who's he? In the middle there.
(She points to the photograph.)
Oleg
Nikolailai.
Grisha
Nikolai.
Oleg
Our dear friend.
(Natasha steps between them to feel what being Nikolai is like.)
Natasha
I've never heard you talk about a "Nikolai".
This is something to do with the cowboy stuff, isn't it?
(Grisha and Oleg look at each other, then decide to tell Natasha, and us,
about Nikolai. The two men change into well-worn, oily-looking blue
overalls and give Natasha a set too.)
10
Oleg
Me and Grisha had already done one voyage on Katya and
we were getting ready to leave port again the day Nikolai
joined the submarine.
Grisha
Up for’d they were bringing sixteen missiles aboard - very
gently.
Oleg
If one of those blew up it would flatten everything for ten miles
around.
Grisha
We were loading everything else we needed for 3 months at
sea as well…
(Oleg and Grisha pass heavy boxes of provisions to and fro.)
Oleg
Fuel, torpedoes…
Grisha
Onions, cabbages, cucumbers…
Oleg
Tins of jam, boxes of tea…
Grisha
All packed in every nook and cranny…
Oleg
You wouldn’t believe how cramped it was on a submarine…
Grisha
I used to bump my head about five times a day…
(Natasha has entered as Nikolailai in pristine new overalls. He coughs to
attract attention. Grisha looks up and donks his head.)
11
Nikolailai
Kamerad Seaman Nikolailai Kochergin reporting for duty.
(Nikolai salutes, nearly hitting Oleg.)
Grisha
Welcome Nikolailai. We don't bother with the saluting stuff
down here. There isn't room for it. I'm Grisha. He's Oleg.
Nikolailai
I’ve been sent to join your watch.
Oleg
Fancy giving us a hand then?
Nikolai
But of course.
(Nikolai joins the end of the line. Grisha and Oleg resume passing stuff
along. When the first item reaches Nikolai he staggers under the weight.)
Oleg
He was weedy.
Grisha
But he was determined alright.
(A siren sounds. Nikolai looks shocked.)
Nikolai
What's that?
Oleg
Just the dive alarm. Relax.
Grisha
Time to go under the waves Nikolailai...
(There's a long, sad sigh as the air whooshes out of the ballast tanks and is
replaced with seawater. Oleg and Grisha busy about making ready for sea.
A voice comes over the intercom.)
12
Intercom
Compartment 9, report?
Oleg
(Speaking into a microphone,) Stern torpedo room manned
and ready.
Grisha
Is this your first time underwater Nikolailai?
Nikolai
Yes. I only finished my training three weeks ago.
(The hull begins to creak and ping under the pressure of seawater. Nikolai
looks up nervously.)
Oleg
The sea's squeezing us, trying to crack us like a walnut...
(Grisha snaps a pencil by Nikolai's ear making him jump like a flea.)
Grisha
Sorry! Had to be done!
(A different klaxon sounds.)
Nikolai
What now?
Oleg
Grub time.
Grisha
Unless you want to stay here on your own.
(They fetch trays.)
Oleg
We queued in the mess for lunch.
13
Grisha
There were lots of men sat there already.
Oleg
For some reason the rest of the crew found it hilarious we fired
torpedoes from the back of the submarine...
Grisha
“Make way for the poop-shooters!“ they’d shout when they
saw us coming. Then one of them threw a potato at us.
(Oleg turns with a spud splatted on his forehead.)
Nikolai
Are you alright Comrade Oleg?
Oleg
It's only soft. Don't worry.
(Grisha turns with a potato splatted on his head.)
Nikolai
Comrade Grisha...!
Grisha
They soon stop. Just ignore them...
Oleg
But then they threw one at Nikolailai...
(Nikolai moves so quick it makes a noise like a pistol shot.)
Grisha
... and he caught it.
(Nikolai lobs the potato in the air and with five more quick-fire shots he
whisks his hand to the cutlery tray in a blur. The potato drops into the palm
of his hand. He holds it up.)
Oleg
It had five forks stuck in it like a sheriff's star.
14
Nikolai
Who does this potato belong to?
Oleg
Not a word. Nobody bothered us from that day on.
(Klaxon sounds again.)
Grisha
After dinner it was time for our daily talk from Comrade
Sadowich. His job was to make sure we all stayed loyal to
Russia.
(Grisha becomes Comrade Sadowich.)
Oleg
Every day he told us how perfect Russia was and how terrible
America was.
Sadowich
Today comrades, I will be showing a film called The Silliness
of American "Pop" Music. And anyone falling asleep will lose a
week's chocolate ration.
Grisha
Then he’d go and have a kip in his cabin.
(We hear a droning commentary in Russian interspersed with phrases in
English from American songs.)
Commentary
Ppsasdiov fhwonfdif eeruighoghrhea… be-bop-a-lula she‘s my
baby be-bop-a-lula I don‘t mean maybe… Wkoshfesh
dhehfhar ekehidneh… itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka
dot bikini… Skeofohg Vhaeoshese eheheha od… Tutti Frutti,
oh Rudi, a whop bop a lu a whop bam boo… Oflhwhf
wherhdfoe fhgjigh… Da doo run run run, da doo run run… etc.
15
(Oleg, Grisha and Nikolailai struggle to stay awake. Then Nikolai
disappears a moment, returns with another video and calmly swaps it with
the propaganda film. We hear a blast of Wild West action.)
Oleg
A cowboy western...
Grisha
Seven good men battling against forty bad men. And winning.
Oleg
Horses reared, bullets flew.
Grisha
It was awesome.
(Nikolai swaps the films back just before Sadowich returns.)
Sadowich
I see from your faces that you were deeply shocked by The
Silliness of American Pop Music comrades. Good. Tomorrow
we will have The Stupidity of American Car Design.
(He leaves, satisfied.)
Grisha
What the blazes was that?
Nikolai
The Magnificent Seven. Did you like it?
Oleg
It was... magnificent!
Grisha
Where did you get it from?
Nikolai
My dad runs a video shop in Smolensk.
16
Oleg
Have you got any more?
Nikolai
Loads. I can‘t live without cowboy films.
Grisha
You'll be in big trouble if Sadowich finds out. We're not allowed
American films on the submarine.
Oleg
Not American anything.
Grisha
The cook made us hamburgers once and Sadowich made the
submarine surface and chucked them all in the sea.
Nikolai
He'll just have to not find out then.
Grisha
So for the next six weeks we watched every western in his
box.
Oleg
Cowboy fever swept the whole crew.
Grisha
Nikolai organised classes so we could talk the cowboy talk…
Nikolai
(Teaching Grisha,) Well butter my butt an’ call me a biscuit!
Grisha
Well… butter…
Nikolai
“Budder”.
Grisha
Budder… my butt and…
Nikolai
Slower, and deeper.
17
Grisha
Well… budder… my… butt…
Nikolai
Like you’re riding a slow horse up a hill and down again.
Grisha
Well budder ma butt an’ call me a biscuit!
Oleg
…and walk the cowboy walk…
(Nikolai moseys up, tips his hat and stands feet apart, hands over his
pistols.)
Nikolai
Clap hands.
(Oleg tries to clap his hands but before they reach each other Nikolai gets
his hand between them like a pistol.)
Nikolai
You try.
(Oleg tries the walk.)
No. Like you‘re made of metal under your skin. Nothing can
break you, nothing can stop you.
(Oleg tries again, better.)
Oleg
Clap hands.
(Nikolai claps three times before Oleg draws. Nikolai pats him on the back
and gives him some tips.)
Oleg
And soon the whole submarine was full of grown men playing
cowboys.
18
(Nikolai comes through swing doors in a cardboard cowboy hat. Oleg dries
glasses.)
Nikolai
Barkeep. Gimme a stiff one.
(Oleg slides a glass down the bar. Nikolai catches it and
knocks it back.)
Dawgonnit. That beats anything I ever helt, smelt or felt…
Oleg
What brings you to town stranger?
Nikolai
Lookin’ for a man by the name o’ Greedy Grigo…
(Music stops. Everything stops.)
Oleg
Want my advice fella?
Nikolai
Shoot straight an’ tell the truth, Old Timer.
Oleg
Saddle up an’ ride on. There’ll be plenty o’ time to look tough
when you’re outta town.
Nikolai
I ain’t plannin’ on stayin’ long, friend. I’ll be done in two shakes
of a lamb’s tail.
(The swing doors open and Grisha stands there.)
Oleg
Don’t say I didn’t warn ya…
(He crouches down and fetches glasses off the bar.)
Grisha
You lookin’ for me?
19
Nikolai
(Without turning round,) Depends.
Grisha
On what?
Nikolai
On who’s askin’.
Grisha
I’m askin’.
Nikolai
Then I guess I’m lookin’ fer you.
(He turns.)
Howdy Grigo. I’ve come to invite you to a neck-tie party in
Tombstone.
Grisha
Think you’re smart, kid? I ain’t going nowhere with you, city
boy.
Nikolai
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Grisha
Don’t corner somethin’ meaner than you are, son.
Nikolai
There ain’t no bull that can’t be rode and there ain’t no rider
that can’t be throwd.
Oleg
Amen, brother, amen!
Grisha
SHUT UP!
I don’t like the sound o’ your voice no more, kid, so I’m gonna
pump ya full o’ lead.
(They face off.)
20
Oleg
You fellas mind finishin’ this conversation outside o’ my bar?
(Suddenly there’s a wild shoot-out - Grisha and Nikolai draw cucumbers
instead of guns. They dive for cover. Oleg joins in. They all duck and dive
and roll around shooting at each other then pretend to ride out of town at
full tilt, three abreast. Suddenly Oleg breaks off.)
Oleg
Sadowich is coming.
(In a second they hide any sign of Wild West activity and polish the sub
with rags innocently. Sadowich passes looking mighty suspicious. When
they‘re sure he‘s gone, Grisha and Nikolai fetch out cowboy craft projects.
Grisha sews a pair of chaps from two halves of a bath mat. Nikolai works
on a hat.)
Grisha
And somewhere down the line we became the best of friends.
Oleg
One day we were taking turns to crawl in the torpedo tubes.
There were catches and hinges in there we had to oil or they'd
seize up.
(Oleg crawls right into a torpedo tube with an oilcan and a light on a cable,
singing.)
Oleg
(Singing quietly,) "...Rollin‘ rollin‘ rollin‘, though the streams are
swollen, keep them dogies rollin‘, rawhide.” etc.
Grisha
You know in The Magnificent Seven?
Nikolai
Mmmhhmm?
21
Grisha
It's amazing there were seven magnificent men in one small
town. I don't think I ever saw one in the town where I grew up.
Nikolai
There are magnificent men hiding everywhere.
Grisha
Not real cowboys though.
Oleg
(Popping out of the tube,) Grigo, your turn.
(Grisha goes in with the lamp and the oil.) Is a dogie a
doggie?
Nikolai
A dogie is a young calf.
Oleg
How did a kid from Smolensk get to know so much about the
Wild West?
Nikolai
My grandad's brother went to live in America sixty years ago.
Half my family live in Arizona now. Here...
(He gets a postcard from his pocket and shows Oleg.)
My uncle Kristoff sent it.
Oleg
Wow.
Nikolai
It's Monument Valley.
Oleg
That's cowboy country alright.
Nikolai
All I've got to do is shut my eyes and I'm there. You try.
(Grisha and Oleg shut their eyes. Nikolai shows us a huge
picture of the postcard.)
22
Cicadas… smell of sagebrush on the breeze… great stacks of
red rock rising out of the desert…
Oleg
Even I could be magnificent if I lived there.
(Oleg hums a campfire lament.)
Grisha
Wonder if we'll ever go there for real.
Oleg
First place I'm going if they ever let us travel out of Russia.
Grisha
(Opening his eyes, looking round,) Couldn't be further from
the Wild West down here, could we? Nikolai... Your turn.
(he hands him the oil and the lamp.)
Oleg
Bet nobody thought there'd ever be cowboys sixty metres
under the Barents Sea!
Grisha
We're not real cowboys though, are we? Nothing magnificent
about us.
Nikolai
Sometimes you've got to be magnificent even down here...
Oleg
You ok?
Nikolai
Fine.
(Nikolai takes a deep breath and crawls into the torpedo pipe.)
Oleg
It was a tight squeeze in those torpedo tubes.
23
Grisha
And kind of spooky. All you could hear was the swish of the
water outside the hatch at the far end of the pipe.
Oleg
Nothing between you and the sea but a little round door…
(Click. Oleg and Grisha look up.)
The lights went out. Including Nikolai’s lamp.
Grisha
Sometimes there were problems with the wiring…
(Grisha donks his head. Nikolai starts to panic in the tube.)
Oleg
Nikolailai?
Grisha
Nikolai? What is it? (To Oleg,) Hold my legs. I'll pull him out.
(Feeling his way in the dark, Grisha crawls in and manages to grab
Nikolai's kicking feet. Oleg hauls them both out in a heap. Click. They all
look up.)
Oleg
The lights came on again.
Nikolai
Sorry... I just need a glass of water...
(He goes.)
Grisha
Y’know what? I think he’s claustrophobic.
Oleg
Claustrowhat?
24
Grisha
Scared of small places you turnip.
Oleg
He was certainly jumpy when he first came on board.
Grisha
Poor Nikolai - to end up on a submarine…
Oleg
Do you think we should tell him we know?
Grisha
No. He’s dealing with it.
Oleg
We could look out for him though.
Grisha
Yes.
Oleg
Maybe the cowboy stuff is his way of dealing with it…
Grisha
(To us,) Maybe it was, but cowboy stuff was about to get a lot
more difficult after that.
(He becomes Sadowich, adjusting his hat in a mirror vainly.)
Oleg
Sadowich knew something was going on.
(Oleg gallops coconut shells behind him. Sadowich turns
but see nothing.)
He just couldn't tell if it was inside his head or not...
He would wander round when the crew was having breakfast,
spying on us.
(He wanders about, eavesdropping.)
Nikolai
...Hot-diggedy, it's cold in here tonight...
25
(Sadowich turns round sharply.)
Sadowich
You! Did you just say "hot-diggedy"?
Nikolai
Hot what, Comrade Sadowich?!
Sadowich
Never mind.
(He wanders some more, then behind him he hears,)
Oleg
Look at the time already... son of a gun…
Sadowich
Son of a gun! Someone over here definitely just said son of a
gun! What do you think this is, the Ok Corral?
Oleg
Are you feeling alright Comrade Sadowich? You look a little
unwell...
Sadowich
There's nothing wrong with me you oaf!
(Sadowich mops his brow. Now the crew pepper their conversation with
more and more cowboy talk.)
Nikolai
...what in tarnation...?
Oleg
...gol-darned...
Nikolai
...ring-a-ding...
Oleg
...skip to ma loo...
26
Nikolai
...hogwash!
(Sadowich has looked more and more wild. Now he retreats.)
Oleg
Comrade Sadowich locked himself in the toilet.
(He sits and looks vacantly about him. But seeing something now, he
frowns. He stands on the loo seat and discovers a box.)
Sadowich
Videos?
(Sadowich bursts out with the videos. He marches straight to the video
player and puts in the first tape that came to hand. The music rings out.)
Song
“Ok Corral! Ok Corral!
There the outlaw band makes their final stand… etc.”
Sadowich
(Stopping the video,) To whom does this belong?
(No reply.)
I beg your pardon. Should I say, which ring-a-ding, son-of-agun, pesky varmint owns this hogwash...?
Right...
Oleg
There was a big pot of kasha bubbling in the hatch to the
galley.
(Sadowich takes the film out of the player and drops it in the pot, then he
empties all the videos from the box in too and stirs them round like a
madman.)
27
Sadowich
Who wants some? Eh? Nobody! Because it's drivel!
Anyone who likes this nonsense betrays Russia.
(He grabs a bin and puts it on the counter.)
This bin stays here ‘til the end of the day. Anything to do with
cowboys goes in it. After that, anyone found with anything
remotely Wild West will be heading east pretty quick. To a
prison in Siberia. Understood?
Crew
(Sullen,) Yes, Comrade.
(Sadowich stomps off. Nikolai and Oleg peer in the pot.)
Oleg
The Magnificent Seven still looks ok...
Nikolai
They're ruined.
Oleg
Yes.
Grisha
One by one the whole crew put their cowboy stuff in the bin.
Nikolai
You can't blame them. Who wants to go to prison for liking
cowboy films?
Grisha
He’s off his rocker! How can it make you a traitor to Russia?
Nikolai
He’s just showing us who’s boss. You two better put your stuff
in too.
Oleg
“No way, Jose!”
Grisha
Someone should teach him a lesson!
28
Nikolai
You think?
Grisha
You better believe it, pardner!
Nikolai
Oleg?
Oleg
Git along little dowgie!
(The other two shush him. They all go their separate ways but Oleg
remains.)
Oleg
We didn’t have to wait long for the chance. A week later we
went back into harbour. Admiral Belikov himself was to inspect
our submarine.
Comrade Sadowich went to his bunk early the night before.
(Sadowich carefully sets his alarm clock.)
He wanted to be fresh in the morning to show the admiral
round. But for some reason… his alarm clock didn‘t go off…
(Oleg turns off the alarm clock. Nikolai rushes in.)
Nikolai
Comrade Sadowich! Our visitor’s here already! The Captain
orders you to come to the control room immediately!
Sadowich
My clothes… My clothes…
Nikolai
Here, Comrade… (Nikolai hands him his clothes and he
dashes off, putting them on.)
Oleg
Admiral Belikov wasn’t very impressed…
29
(Oleg puts on an admiral’s hat and paces, looking at his watch.)
Nikolai
He’s on his way sir.
Belikov
Name, Comrade?
Nikolai
Engineer-seaman Nikolailai Kochergin, sir.
Belikov
How would you feel if a man kept you waiting this long
Nikolailai?
Nikolai
A bit cross, Sir.
Belikov
HOPPING MAD, I’D SAY!
(Sadowich stumbles in pulling on the last of his dress uniform, but,
unknown to him, his shoes have been turned into cowboy boots with
wooden heels and pointed toes; his hat has a wide brim sewn round; his
jacket has patches of gingham and buckskin frills down each sleeve and he
has a large silver star among his other medals.)
Sadowich
My deepest apologies Admiral Belikov… a slight technical
problem with my alarm clock…
(The look of astonishment on the Admiral’s face makes
him look at himself now.)
AAAAH!
Belikov
Always been told submariners were a funny bunch but you
take the biscuit Comrade Sadowich.
30
Sadowich
Forgive me Sir… I must change at once…
Belikov
I think not! You’ve got to show me round this submarine
straight away, cowboy.
Oleg
So Sadowich had to parade himself from one end of the
submarine to the other.
Sadowich
Here we have the forward torpedo room with its complement
of sixteen torpedoes, and under here, the bow sonar…
Oleg
But once the admiral left, the laughing stopped for good.
Sadowich
AAAGGGGHHH!
(He throws his cowboy hat on the ground and jumps on it. Then chucks his
boots to left and right.)
Sadowich
Right. Every man stand by his locker!
(Oleg and Nikolai stand by their lockers. Sadowich rummages furiously
through Nikolai’s stuff, then moves past him, pausing to think. Nikolai
makes the faintest move to touch his top pocket.)
Sadowich
Why did you do that?
Nikolai
What, Sir?
Sadowich
Touch your pocket like that?
Nikolai
No reason, Sir.
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Sadowich
Nobody does anything for no reason, boy.
(Pause.)
What’s in that pocket then?
Nikolai
Notebook, Sir.
Sadowich
Show me.
(Nikolai gets out his notebook.)
And?
Nikolai
Handkerchief, Sir.
Sadowich
Come on come on!
(He gets out his handkerchief.)
And?
Nikolai
Nothing, Sir.
(Pause. Sadowich suddenly rummages in the pocket himself and pulls out
the postcard of Monument Valley.)
Sadowich
Nothing eh?
(Reading from the back,) “My dear Nick…”
Nikolai
It’s private, Comrade.
Sadowich
Nowhere’s private on this submarine from me “comrade”.
(Reading,) “My dear Nick,
I wish one day you could come and see the sight of this land
and we could see the sight of you!
32
Your ever loving Uncle Kris and Auntie Bet.”
Let me tell you, “My dear Nick”, you’ll never see this land, for
two reasons. Number one, ‘cause you’ll be digging potatoes in
Siberia for the rest of your life and number two because it
doesn’t exist…
Nikolai
It does, Sir!
Sadowich
No. The Wild West was buried under “freeways” and
“shopping malls” long ago. And cowboys aren’t the good guys
either! They stole the land from the Indians then rode round in
stupid hats pretending to own the place…
Nikolai
Have you been to Arizona, Comrade?
Sadowich
Of course not.
Nikolai
Then, with respect, how do you know what it’s like?
Sadowich
Don’t get smart with me! You haven’t been either.
Nikolai
No Sir. I just believe what my Uncle Kris tells me - that it’s a
beautiful land where some good men live…
Sadowich
Shut up, shut up! You made a fool out of me and that’s crime
enough! You…! (Pointing at Oleg.) Lock this traitor to Russia
in the paint store.
(Oleg hesitates, struggling to summon up the
magnificence to say no.)
Is there a problem, Seaman?
33
Oleg
No, Sir… but…
Sadowich
GET MOVING THEN!
Oleg
Yes, Sir.
(Oleg takes Nikolai away from Sadowich.)
You told him alright!
Nikolai
And look where it got me.
Oleg
It doesn’t matter. It was… magnificent!
Nikolai
Thanks.
Oleg
Sorry, Nikolai.
Nikolai
Don’t be.
(Oleg reluctantly locks the door on him. Klaxon.)
Grisha
We went back to sea.
(They try in vain to re-attach a broken fin to the tail of a torpedo. Oleg holds
it, Grisha tries fix it in place.)
Oleg
What a yellow-bellied coward I was…
Grisha
Ratchet…
Oleg
Yes. That’s me.
34
Grisha
No, give me the ratchet!
Oleg
Sorry. (Pause.) We’ve got to do something.
Grisha
Like what?
Oleg
Break Nikolai out… lock Sadowich up…
Grisha
Get court-martialled, get shot…
Oleg
We just need a daring enough plan…
Grisha
Listen, we’re just two, average nobodies and when nobodies
like us try and do daring plans it goes very, very wrong…
(The fin falls off again.)
STUPID THING!
Oleg
If only Nikolai was here…
Grisha
(Mocking,) “If only Nikolai was here…” Just listen to yourself.
(Muttering,) Wish he’d never come on board…
Oleg
Grisha!
Grisha
Well. He’s brought nothing but trouble. All this Wild West
nonsense…
Oleg
I didn’t hear you complain at the time!
Grisha
I just went along with it for your sake…
35
Oleg
Shut your trap you miserable old goat!
Grisha
Make me!
Oleg
I’m warning you…!
Grisha
You wouldn’t dare, you little chicken liver!
(They start to tussle but suddenly there’s a remote explosion and alarms
go off left, right and centre. Oleg and Grisha cling to each other a moment.)
Oleg
An explosion. Inside the submarine. There was an accident
with some fuel…
Grisha
Listen...
(They listen to a faint roar.)
Water coming in!
Oleg
The explosion had ripped a hole clean through the side…
(He fetches the model submarine and points to a place.)
Here. The sub was flooding.
Grisha
We started to sink head first to the seabed a mile below.
(Weird creaking and cracking noises.)
The sea began to squeeze the submarine harder and harder.
Oleg
Katya was only made to go so deep. Any deeper and she'd be
squashed like a paper cup.
Grisha
Three hundred metres...
36
Oleg
All the hatches were closed to the flooding compartment.
Grisha
Four hundred metres...
(Whoosh.)
Oleg
The captain blew compressed air into the front ballast tanks,
to float the nose up... nothing.
Grisha
Five hundred metres...
(The model goes down and down in their hands. The pressure sounds
become terrible. Whoosh.)
Oleg
He blew the last bit of air we had left into the ballast tanks…
(The sub starts to turn in their hands. Slowly it begins to
rise.) Look!
Grisha
It worked... we pulled out!
Oleg
We were saved! We burst out on top of the sea!
(Grisha and Oleg dance around with relief until an alarm sounds and a
voice comes over the intercom.)
Captain
This is your captain speaking. Fires are burning out of control
in compartments 4, 6 and 7. Head straight on deck and
prepare to abandon ship! Repeat, prepare to abandon ship!
(They make to leave but Grisha stops Oleg.)
37
Grisha
Nikolai!
Oleg
I gave the key to Sadowich...
Grisha
We'll have to smash open the door.
(They rush away. Moments later a hatch is thrown open and Oleg, Grisha
and Nikolai splutter out on deck.)
Grisha
We climbed out into the sunlight…
Nikolai
Thank you... I think Sadowich would have left me to die.
(They prepare to abandon ship, blowing up a liferaft and passing out
paddles. Oleg puts on the captain's hat and speaks through a loud hailer.)
Captain
Attention, Comrades. The fire below is spreading towards the
missile tubes. We must sink the sub or risk a massive
explosion that will destroy everything for miles around,
including us! Comrades, Mother Russia needs her bravest
sons at this hour. I want volunteers to go back below and flood
the sub.
Nikolai
(Standing,) I'll do it Captain.
Sadowich
Wait! That traitor’s not worthy of the task!
Captain
Then you go in his place Sadowich.
Sadowich
I couldn’t possibly… I mean… I’m not technically qualified…
38
Captain
So shut up and stand aside! Comrade Nikolailai. One person
is not enough.
Grisha
(Standing forward, putting on his newspaper cowboy hat,)
I'll go!
Oleg
And me! (Putting on his hat too and handing Nikolai his.)
Nikolai
I thought you'd thrown these away...?
Grisha
We hid them inside a torpedo!
(Nikolai puts on his hat.)
Nikolai
We're ready captain!
(The three sit in the mouth of the hatch, share a thumbs up and climb down
inside, then grope their way on stage shining torches.)
Oleg
I know we’re Russia’s bravest sons, but how are we going to
sink the sub?
Nikolai
We can open a torpedo tube at both ends.
Grisha
One great big ready-made hole.
Nikolai
That ought to flood her pretty quick.
Oleg
Yes. Just testing.
Nikolai
One day, If we get out of here, I'm going to take you both to
39
Uncle Kris's ranch in Arizona. We'll borrow three of his best
horses and ride all the way to Monument Valley...
Grisha
You know what? Right now there’s nowhere I’d rather be than
here.
Oleg
Are you ok?
Grisha
Never better.
Oleg
It’s just, you’re sounding one nut short of a biscuit comrade…
Grisha
Seriously. Here I am, with the two best friends a man could
have, finally doing something worthwhile with my life. Right
now, I feel the luckiest man alive…!
(Donk. Grisha clonks his head and falls unconscious.)
Oleg
Grisha? Grig...? He's only knocked himself out!
You stupid... great... blockhead!
(He shakes him then hugs him.)
Nikolai
You take him out…
Oleg
On my own?
Nikolai
You’re stronger than me.
Oleg
But… I can’t…!
Nikolai
Why not?
40
Oleg
Because… I’m scared!
Nikolai
Of what?
Oleg
Of… of… being without you!
Nikolai
Listen! Under an inch of quivering jelly there’s that man of
steel in there. (He slaps Oleg on the shoulder.) The
strongest and the bravest on the submarine.
Oleg
There is?
Nikolai
Yes! So don’t worry about the jelly quivering, just let the man
of steel do the job.
Oleg
Ok. (Muttering it like a mantra,) Man of steel… man of
steel…
(Between them they get Grisha on Oleg's back.)
Oleg
Nikolai. The water will come in like crazy. You'll have to move
fast or you'll go down with the sub.
Nikolai
Good job I'm a fast mover then.
(Oleg hesitates.)
Go on!
(He takes Grisha off then they both come straight back to tell the story.)
Grisha
Alone in a burning submarine.
41
Oleg
He needed all his magnificence now.
(Nikolai clambers over obstacles that Grisha and Oleg place in his way.)
Grisha
At last he reached the stern torpedo tubes.
(Nikolai pulls a lever and we hear a whoosh.)
Oleg
He opened the outer door to the sea.
(Nikolai quickly finds a metal bar and wedges it in the circular hatch
handle, standing clear of the hatch.)
Oleg
Then opened the inner door...
(Nikolai turns the handle gingerly with the bar until,
suddenly, the hatch bursts open and the sea roars in.
Nikolai runs before it for his life.)
…and in came the water! We’d abandoned ship by now - we
were all watching from the life-rafts a hundred metres away.
Suddenly Katya's stern went down, her bow rose up and she
slid beneath the waves…
(The two men stand remembering. Natasha comes out holding Nikolai's hat
in her hand.)
Grisha
We rowed like mad to where she went down, but all we found
was Nikolai's hat floating on the surface. (He takes Nikolai's
hat and looks at it.)
Tucked inside was this.
42
Nat
The postcard…
Grisha
He must’ve gone to Sadowich’s cabin to get it.
Oleg
Maybe that’s why he ran out of time.
Grisha
But this was so precious to him it must’ve seemed worth the
risk…
I've kept it safe all these years.
(He gets in bed wearily.)
Nat
Did you two ever get to Monument Valley?
Grisha
No.
Oleg
We lost touch when we left the navy.
Nat
You must go now. For Nikolai.
Oleg
That's why I was singing him cowboy songs - to persuade him
to go.
Grisha
I'm too ill.
Nat
I could come along and look after you!
Grisha
What's the point? (Pointing at the postcard,) It wouldn’t be
like this. Sadowich was right. There’s probably more litter
blowing round Monument Valley nowadays than tumbleweed.
(Oleg and Natasha look at him.)
43
Ok, I don't want to go without Nikolai, alright?! He would’ve
made it magic. Without him there's no point.
(He puts the card back in the hat and the hat under the bed. Oleg is about
to challenge Grisha but Nat stops him.)
Nat
You must be exhausted. Can we visit you tomorrow?
(Grisha has already wearily lain down and turned over.)
Grisha
Please do.
Nat
It was so nice to meet you.
Grisha
Likewise.
Oleg
You stubborn old fool.
Grisha
Night Oleg.
Oleg
Night Grisha.
(Before they leave, Nat puts the hat back beside Grisha. When they’ve
gone, Grisha sits up and fetches the postcard out of Nikolai‘s hat. He
stares at it and smile creeps onto his face. Putting it to his cheek, he lies
down to rest once more. Soon he begins to snore. Gradually we can hear
cicadas. Now the walls of the room melt away to reveal the horizons of
Monument Valley. We hear horses come at a gallop from a long way off.
Two riders jump down out of sight. Two cowboys creep towards Grisha‘s
hospital bed, hats down over their eyes, neckerchiefs round their faces.
Grisha stands to face them.)
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Cowboy
Clap hands.
Grisha
Pardon?
Cowboy
Clap hands!
(Grisha does as he's told but before his hands can meet, the cowboy whips
a cucumber between them.)
Grisha
Nikolai!
Nikolai
(Pulling down his bandana,) Shhhh! There isn't much time.
Put these on.
(He gives Grisha a hat and a serape.)
Grisha
Why? Where am I going?
Oleg
You said you didn't want to go without him!
Grisha
(Putting the things on in a daze,) This is a dream, isn't it...?
Nikolai
I've got one of my uncle’s horses for you outside. We can be
in Monument Valley by dawn. But you must come now.
Grisha
Won't the hospital miss me?
Oleg
(Putting on his dressing gown,) I'll cover for you.
Nikolai
So. Are you coming?
45
Grisha
(Deciding now,) You bet I am!
(They share a manly hug all three.)
I feel better already!
(Nikolai climbs out first.)
Oleg? Will you be coming later?
Oleg
Of course. I’m going to wait for Natty though. You mosey on
partner.
(Pause.)
Grisha
You always did have a terrible American accent.
Oleg
Better than yours.
Grisha
So long, friend.
Oleg
So long.
(Grisha climbs out. Oleg hunkers down. Two horses ride off into the night.
Oleg sings quietly.)
THE END.
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