September October 2012 Edition

Tears To
HOPE
Tips for Coping with Grief
Grief is hard and takes longer than
most people think. While the
death of a loved one is one of the
hardest experiences a person will
face, there are some things he/she
can try to make the pain more
bearable. I have compiled a list of
coping tips taken from an article
written by Victor Parachin, entitled
Twenty-one Tips for Easing the
Pain of Grief and from things I
have learned from the clients I
have worked with at The Amelia
Center. It is my hope that at least
one item can be helpful in your grief journey.
1. Reach out to supportive people in your life. While it is
often difficult to ask for help or even accept it when it is
offered, it can be helpful to have a support system in place.
Grief can be very lonely and difficult to deal with alone.
2. Resume your daily routine as quickly as possible. Even
though it is difficult and you may not be capable of resuming
all activities at once, it is important to have something other
than your grief to occupy your day. It can help give your mind
something to focus on besides the overwhelming feelings
that can come with grief.
3. Give yourself time to heal. As mentioned earlier, grief takes
longer than people think it should. There is no way to put a
time limit on how long grief will last, so it is important to be
patient with yourself. It is normal and ok to have the feelings
you have when a loved one dies, and it is important to allow
yourself to experience these things in your own time frame.
Do not allow others to rush you or the grief process.
4. Communicate your feelings, pain, worries, etc. It is important to find a healthy outlet for your thoughts and emotions.
Whether it is talking to a friend, seeking a counselor, or journaling, it can be extremely helpful to have an outlet in order
to prevent issues from building up and causing additional
problems.
5. Create a new “normal.” When a loved one dies it turns our
September-October 2012 Edition
Vol. 14, No. 4
Dusty Sivley
whole world upside down and nothing will ever be exactly as
it was before the death occurred. It is important to accept
that life has changed and work towards creating a new “normal” for yourself and your family.
6. Only take on what you can handle. Life is hard and it is
even harder when you are grieving. It is okay and sometimes
even necessary to say “no” to assisting people or participating in activities. While it is important to have things to fill
your time, it is also important to recognize your limitations
and not overextend yourself. People will generally understand if you are honest about what you can and cannot do.
7. Learn to “ignore the shoulds.” Everyone seems to have an
opinion of what a person should or should not do when
someone dies. While these individuals are usually well intentioned, their advice is not always helpful. It is important for
you to do what you feel is best for you and your family
despite what others may think or feel about it. It is okay to
politely say “thanks, but no thanks.”
8. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. While it
can be extremely hard, it is also extremely important to
address your physical needs as well as your emotional needs.
Try to eat and sleep regularly even if you don’t feel like it,
and visit a doctor when needed. To deal with emotional
issues - talking, writing, exercising, and listening to music can
all be helpful methods of coping.
9. Make a plan for special days. Holidays, anniversaries,
birthdays, and other family events can be very difficult,
especially during the first year after the loss. It can be helpful
to think about these days ahead of time to come up with a
plan for the day. It can make the day a little less overwhelming if you already have an idea of what you want to do. You
can consult with other family members regarding plans for
the day, but it is important to consider your own needs as
well as others.
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but
there are healthy and unhealthy ways. It is our goal at The
Amelia Center to assist our clients in finding healthy coping
skills to assist them in their grief journey.
Gifts Given To Remember & Honor Those We Love
Memorials:
JOEY BREWER
Muriel Smitherman, his grandmother
DORIS W. DANIEL
Michele Williams
MR. BALDO DiBENEDETTO
Dan and Gay Caldwell
MRS. BOBBIE ENGLAND
Dan and Gay Caldwell
WINT GILMORE
Stan and Nancy Thornell
CASEY HARE, for his September 10th Birthday
Christy Hare, his mother
JESSICA LYNN HOWARD
Larry and Sandra Howard, her parents
BRADLEY JOHNSON
Hugh and Shari Johnson, his parents
JORDAN KIRSCHBERG
Eva Wilensky
BRIAN JOSEPH MADONIA, for his October 12th Birthday
John and Donna Madonia, his parents
ROBYN MAZER
Lynette and J. B. Mazer, her parents
KEITH ALTON McALISTER
Leon and Pat Gohman, his grandparents
EDIE WILENSKY, for her July 25th Birthday
Eva Wilensky and the Gaynor Family
JARRED C. DARBY REMEMBRANCE FUND
Laura Jean Phillips
AMELIA ELLIOTT REMEMBRANCE FUND
George and Jerrie Elliott, her parents
Esther Elliott, her grandmother
MATTHEW FOLMAR LOWERY REMEMBRANCE FUND
David Lowery, his father
Contributions:
Ray Barber
JoAnne Dearth
Thea Dudley
Anthony Duncan, Sr.
Neil Fievet
Miranda Gray
Ruth Nolen
Janet Nottrodt
Laura Seals
Stuart Starrett
Little Ones’ Memory Garden
21st Annual Walk to Remember
Out of the Darkness
Community Walk
Sunday, October 14th, 2012
Birmingham Botanical Gardens
2:00-4:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 4th
at Heardmont Park
Registration begins at 1:00 p.m.
Walk begins at 2:30 p.m.
You are invited to the Walk to Remember,
which is a service of remembrance held
nationwide each year for anyone who has
experienced a neonatal loss - parents,
surviving siblings,
extended family members, family friends as
well as the professionals who provide care and
support after the time of loss.
For more information, contact Valeri Cowart
(205) 638-7483 or
[email protected]
You can also register at:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/event/birmingham
Sponsored by the American Foundation for
Suicide Prevention
Survivors are invited to bring photos of their
loved one to post at the survivor tent.
How to Help a Man Heal from Grief
Everyone grieves differently.
The symptoms of one person’s
grief may not be the symptoms
of another person’s grief. Likewise, men and women often
grieve in different ways. Although there can be similarities, more than likely a man
and a woman will not grieve
the same way at the same
time. The grief symptoms of a
man may not be as open or
obvious as a woman’s grief symptoms. Because of this,
Golden and Miller put together the following ideas in
their book, A Man You Know is Grieving: 12 Ideas for
Helping Him Heal from Loss, to help understand a man’s
grief symptoms:
1. A man is both born and raised to be the way he is.
A man is inherently designed differently than a woman
at birth. Therefore, biological factors affect how he outwardly expresses his grief. However, his upbringing and
environment also play a major role.
2. No two men respond to loss alike. Every man is
unique because of his natural disposition, what has happened to him in his past, and the influences that he is
under today.
3. In our culture, grief and manhood don’t mix all that
well. Society idealizes men as having to be cool, calm,
and collected at all times. Grief does not fit into this
pretty box. Therefore grief may conflict with what a man
feels that he is supposed to be, or expected to be.
4. A man who is grieving may not be very expressive
about his emotions. Because of cultural expectations,
personal responsibilities, or biological reasons, a man
may not be in a position to outwardly express his emotions.
SAVE THE DATE!
Rachael Garrett
5. A man who is grieving often values his aloneness. A
man may value his independence and feel that it is his
burden to bear.
6. A man often responds more cognitively to his loss. A
man may feel more comfortable thinking through his
grief instead of feeling through his grief.
7. A man often makes active responses to his loss. A
man may respond actively by doing something practical
or creative.
8. A man may respond to loss in spiritual ways. A man
may turn toward his faith, away from his faith, create
personal spiritual responses, or attempt to discover
meaning.
9. A man’s grief usually unfolds in a natural way. Grief
is unique to each individual. A man will respond to grief
in whatever way comes naturally to him.
10. A man can use his experience of loss to claim his
wholeness. He may use his grief experience to seek the
fullness of life and may use his present loss experience
as a catalyst to heal from other experiences.
11. A good way to help a man heal is to concentrate
on your own healing. A man may focus more on his
healing by seeing the example of those around him who
are also focusing on their individual healing.
12. A masculine style of grieving is as valid as any
other. Different grief does not mean wrong grief.
Through their book, Golden and Miller lead us to the
understanding that although a man’s grief may not show
itself the same as a woman’s grief, she can still be supportive by validating his grief, creating a safe environment, and giving him space to find his own method of
healing.
National Children’s Memorial Day
December 9, 2012 - Bradley Lecture Center
5:30 p.m. - Picture Deadline is November 28
Non-Profit
Organization
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Birmingham, AL
1600 Seventh Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama 35233
Tears to Hope is published bi-monthly by
The Amelia Center, a department of Children’s of Alabama, 1600 Seventh Avenue
South, Birmingham, Alabama 35233.
This publication is also published online
at www.ameliacenter.org
As a department of Children’s of Alabama, we are a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization supported by the generosity of the
community. Special Program funding is
provided by the United Way of Central
Alabama.
To be removed from this mailing list:
Call (205)638-7481.
Providing a place of hope for grieving children, parents and families since 1997.
Meeting for Bereaved Parents
The Amelia Center now offers a peer support group
meeting for bereaved parents on the 2nd Monday of
each month. The group meets from 6:30-8:00p.m.
A light supper is provided by community volunteers at
5:45p.m. Call us at 205 638-7481 to let us know you
will attend so that we have adequate food for the
group.
Helpline
When you just need to talk with someone
who knows what grief feels like.
Mary Bailey, brother, 46, illness; daughter, auto accident 205-5600419
Mary Ellen Capps, son, accidental overdose 205-822-1162
Sandra Essex, daughter, murdered 205-383-4568
Millie Gillespie, daughter, auto accident 205-841-7783
Pam & David Hagan, daughter, 18, auto accident 205-566-4026*
or 205-664-8008*
Carolyn Hudson, daughter, 15, suicide 205-991-9186
Debbie Johnson, son, 17, accident 205-664-0822*
Terry Johnson, wife, cancer 205-664-0822*
Cynthia Joyner, son, murdered 205-682-8837
Abby Nicholas, twin sons, premature 205-603-6049
Mary Sahawneh, son, 16, shot 205-853-6769*
* Denotes Available Evenings
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Gifts made in honor or memory of a loved one are a special way to celebrate someone while making a tangible difference in the lives of others.
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The deadline for inclusion in Tears to Hope is the 12th of the month prior to publication. Please remember that the deadlines for future editions will be earlier due to
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