Best of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1996

Transcription

KIBO PRESENTS:
THE BEST OF
alt.religion.kibology
1996
Copyright © 1997 James “Kibo” Parry
This book contains all alt.religion.kibology
posts made by Kibo in 1996, plus a couple
worthwhile ones by other people. About a
quarter of the articles, the “better” ones (as
if anything could be better than Kibo’s usual
output) are printed in large, easy-to-read
type with special marginal notes by the man
himself explaining the difficult words. The
rest of Kibo’s articles, the good-but-not-reallyworth-reading ones, are in tiny print in the
back, to hide their shameful ordinaryness.
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
1. Open it with the Adobe Acrobat Reader (version 3.0 or later). If you’re not
reading this, you haven’t figured that out. Point your Web browser at
http://www.adobe com and download the darn thing.
2. You can read this book on your screen (oooh, pretty colors) or print it out
(oooh, the fine print is easier to read.) It’s entirely up to you. In fact, you
should do BOTH, because this book is so good. (If you have a color printer,
you’re better than the rest of the people reading this, and you should print out
copies for all your friends.)
3.) If you’re reading on-screen, I suggest setting your screen to the highest
resolution and turning on the “smooth type” option in Acrobat Reader’s
preferences. If you don’t like how that looks, turn it off again.
4.) If you’re printing it out on plain old U.S. 8.5 x 11" paper,
DO NOT CHECK “SHRINK TO FIT”. Nothing important is within half an
inch of the edge of the page, but the program will still want to shrink it.
5.) The text of all Usenet writings by Kibo is in roman (like this) and stuff
by other people is in italic (like this.) Marginal notes added by Kibo during
the compilation of this book are the things with the yellow backgrounds.
Pictures were found on various Web pages or captured from whatever was on
the TV while Kibo was writing this.
A HIGH COLOPHONIC
This book was composed entirely in Quark XPress 3.32r5, with the occasional
aid of Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop. It was PDF’ed with Adobe Acrobat
Distiller. Although Kibo makes much of his living designing typefaces, none of
the ones used in this book are his designs, as he knows that two or three of
you will do hours of work to steal them from this PDF. Usenet articles are in
Bitstream Letter Gothic (which has a real italic, unlike Adobe’s feeble
version) with Berthold Baskerville Book (designed by the great Günter
Gerhard Lange) and its italic for other matter. Lots of other typefaces show up
too but we don’t care about them because they’re mainly used to make stupid
stuff look bad. Some of the world’s worst typography is in this book. I worked
very hard on the bad typography because you folks deserve the effort.
KIBO THANKS YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE
Thanks to all the people on alt.religion.kibology for posting goofy stuff, and
for people on other groups for supplying me with an endless source of things
to pick on. (“Build Your Own Bazooka” and the story about breast inflation
on the train, for instance.) Other than that, I edited and typeset this whole
book without any help from anyone, because I wanted to save you folks the
effort of helping. So thank you for reading it.
Wait’ll you see next year’s book – I promise it’ll have even more photos of
Desi Arnaz Jr. with his mouth open.
James “Kibo” Parry · [email protected] · 2nd Edition, 11/10/97
STOP.
PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN.
DO NOT TURN THE PAGE UNTIL YOUR TEACHER TELLS YOU.
DO NOT CORRECT THE GRAMMAR OF THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE.
DO NOT PASS GO.
WARNING: SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE.
MOISTEN NEEDLE BEFORE INFLATING TAIWAN.
I gotta laugh – the idea that a bozo like
Kibo could convince people they named a
“Star Wars” character after him is funnier
than watching R2-D2 dance the Macarena.
The Macarena was a primitive Earth custom which became extinct way back in 1996, the year before Darth Vader was
elected Pope. This book lovingly preserves the memory of the horrible Macarena so that all future generations may see that
humanity has at last learned a valuable lesson. Also, any spelling errors in this book are preserved forever too.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: “ESSENTIAL AIR” Finest Diffuser Developed
[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry)
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
alt.aromatherapy,alt.folklore.herbs,alt.religion.kibology
[alt.aromatherapy, alt.folklore.herbs]
In article <[email protected]>, john midura <[email protected]> wrote:
> ESSENTIAL AIR
>
Stuff in roman is by Kibo; stuff in italic is
>
someone else being quoted. Except for these marginal
> Multiplies the Benefits of Aromatherapy
notes, which are all by Kibo but are in italic anyway
>
because that makes it pretty.
> ESSENTIAL AIR - A step beyond
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
✂
I used to love that show. But it always weirded me out when that guy
with the big wet eyes stood in front of that big window and told us that
every episode was based on the sworn testimony of the miserable few who
survived. I miss Criswell.
CLIP & SAVE
The scientific advance in understanding the benefits of essential oils
has now been
matched by a scientific advance in delivering those benefits:
ESSENTIAL AIR developed by
Leyden House Ltd. We call it ESSENTIAL AIR because that’s exactly
what it is . . . a system
so advanced that it breaks up droplets of oils into miniscule
fragments, each one lighter
than air so they literally combine with the atmosphere and are
absorbed into the body.
Essential Oils are transformed into the air you breathe.
But if they’re lighter than air, they all go up to the ceiling and stay
there. If you use the system too much, your house will float away.
DO YOU WANT THAT, AMERICA???
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Don’t confuse ESSENTIAL AIR with any other product for dispensing
essential oils.
ESSENTIAL AIR’s unique nebulizer is far more effective. It actually
“atom-izes” essential
oils dispersing a micro mist into the air stream to help eliminate air
borne pollutants and
boost the immune system.
Also, alternating long and short lines in your posts will automatically
nebulize
whatever topic you are discussing. Didn’t Stanislaw Lem invent the
nebulizer
for his masterpiece, “The Cyberiad”?
4
> The Automatic Timer
>
> ESSENTIAL AIR’s automatic timing device plays two important rolls.
One is poppyseed.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
One is drum.
Womp, womp, wa, wa…
[...] It
enhances the effect
of the Essential Oils and it conserves the Essential oils themselves.
Science has
dicovered that the olfactory nerves quickly adjust to, and turn off
stimuli in the surrounding
atmosphere. But, ESSENTIAL AIR’s automatic on/off system (5minutes on,
25 minutes off)
continuosly reawakens these nerves giving on-going beneficial
stimulus.
And conveniently does it all during TV commercials. The moment
Jerry tells Elaine where to put her rye bread, poof, a blast of
healthful placebissimos! And then it shuts down in time for you to
enjoy Kramer saying “Whoa!” without being interrupted by the noise of
lighter-than-air things whooshing through your airspace.
> Obviously the on/off system also effects a tremendous saving in
> Essential Oils, (as much
> as 87%) while improving over all efficiency.
Um, excuse me, if it’s off 25 out of 30 minutes, you mean 83%.
You seem to have shaved an extra minute off my oil.
No wonder my popcorn always comes out of ESSENTIAL AIR with so many
unpopped kernels! I suspect YOU killed ORVILLE REDENBACHER!!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
In devloping the ESSENTIAL AIR concept, Leyden House always kept the
user in the
forefront of their thinking. The result is a user friendly design.
It’s attractive. It’s
compact...desk top size. No glass tubes to break. Eliminated problems
like tipping and
spilling. And introduced a drain back feature that virtually elimintes
clogging. The safety
Nebulizer attachment is designed to avoid the possibility of broken
glass and wasted oil.
Extremely convenient, a one ounce Essential Oil bottle fits neatly
into the pre-designed slot
and that’s it.
I hate slots that aren’t pre-designed. “Honey, I plugged in the CHEAPO
BRAND X AROMATHERAPY MACHINE but it says I still have to design the
slot! Better warm up the milling machine so I can chamfer this
thermoset plastic!”
5
-- K.
I hear someone just
combined ESSENTIAL AIR
with that hot new urine therapy.
(And you probably think I
made up urine therapy.)
Subject:
Re: Atomic Theory, World’s greatest Logical Syllogism
From:
Date:
1996/02/21
Message-Id:
<[email protected]>
Newsgroups:
alt.sci.physics.plutonium,sci.math,sci.logic,sci.physics,
In article <[email protected]>,
Archimedes Plutonium <[email protected]> wrote:
>
You may want to consider the ‘nodes’ of atoms as vacuums, but that
> too, is not a vacuum in our usual sense of a vacuum. How do you explain
> neutrinos going through a “supposed vacuum”. The concept of infinity is
> too much for the human mind to understand, just as the concept of zero
> or nothing is too much.
Yes, but it’s easy to understand the concept of a number exactly halfway
between zero and infinity. This is the price of that 1,000-piece toolkit
they have under glass at Sears plus the cost of enough RAM to let you
run Adobe Photoshop comfortably.
>
My syllogism above is correct.
Written before RAM became affordable.
Back then we only had Photoshop 3.04 and we liked it.
Why, I remember when Photoshop 1.0 fit on a floppy…
Major premise: My syllogism is above.
Minor premise: The above is a syllogism.
Meenor premise: The preceding two statements have some logical validity.
Neener premise: We should all use E-Prime because “My syllogism above is
correct” means that “my syllogism above” is identical to “correct” but
“correct” is merely an _attribute_ of “my syllogism above” and not its
identity, i.e. one cannot say “my syllogism above is correct; the Theory
of Relativity is correct; therefore, because both are identical to the
same thing, my syllogism is the Theory of Relativity.” You mean
“The above statement describing my syllogism has a logical truth-value
of correctness.”
Weener premise: My followup does not contain physics. Therefore, it
must be cross-posted to sci.physics, as an example of all things which
are not physics--once they rulle out all the non-physics in the world,
the only remaining posts will contain ALL THE PHYSICS THERE CAN EVER BE!
Also this post contains no candy.
NOT A TYPO BUT A SAD CRY FOR HELP. WELL, OKAY, MAYBE IT IS A TYPO.
> In the next several days and weeks I
> will iron it out more and more and more. I will reach the point where
> it is so logical that I could leave blanks in the syllogism and you
6
> could plot in anything you wanted and it is true.
>
>
All ----- are wise
>
There is an ------.
>
Therefore that ----- is wise.
Fill in the blank--CHARLES NELSON REILLY!
All WEE-WEE are wise.
There is an WEE-WEE.
Therefore that WEE-WEE is wise.
BZZZZZT! I’m sorry, you didn’t win.
lovely Match Game: 1999 home game!
But you do get a copy of our
>
In recognition of the worlds greatist syllogism ever deviced even by
> Aristotle himself, I am endeavoring to put the above worlds greatest
> Logical Syllogism to music in the form of prayers. Perhaps Beethoven,
> Shumann and any other world class great music will be considered.
The theme to “Small Wonder”.
-- K.
(nice to see you’re still around, Archimedes!)
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Reply-To:
Newsgroups:
Aw, nuts!
1996/03/23
<[email protected]>
[email protected]
alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity
I went outside to look at that comet thing but my gum lost its flavor
too fast so I missed it and it won’t be back for a million billion
zillion years and now my life is over. Also I went to look at the only
remaining whale anywhere in the continental United States but my gum
lost its flavor and I missed it and the whale will never surface again
just to spite me. Also the second coming of Christ was today but my gum
lost its flavor so I missed it and now they’re putting me in the
electric chair, BOY IS MY GUM STUPID OR WHAT?
-- K.
I’ve seen that commercial 58,000 times this year and I can’t
remember which brand of gum it’s for. Now if Ben Stiller had
directed it, we’d all know who to hate… remember his AOL
commercials? (“Maw, paw done shot up thur AOL agayn!”)
7
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
References:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Re: Babylon 5 and Kibology
1996/02/26
<[email protected]>
<[email protected]>
HappyNet Headquarters
My lovely and talented wife, Claudia Christian.
charles m. castevens, iv <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Season Two - Captain John Sheridan
>
> The Kibology Project was our last, best hope for peace. A self-contained
> newsgroup five threads long, located in neutral territory. A place of
> commerce and diplomacy for a quarter of a million Kibologists and aliens.
> A shining beacon in USENET, all alone in the night. It was the dawn of the
> Third Age of Kibology...the year the Great Flame War came upon us all.
> This is the story of the last of the USENET newsgroups. The year is 1996.
> The name of the place is alt.religion.kibology.
Season Three - Lieut. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova
The Kibology Project was our last, best hope to prevent movies being
made about cops being partnered with hand puppets. It failed. Then I
walked all over Kibo in my stiletto heels and we made wild passionate
love while watching a video of “Hexed”. Then the show got cancelled
because I retired and married Kibo.
-- K.
I GOT DIBS ON CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN.
AND SUSAN POWTER.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
References:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Re: Careful with that buzzsaw!
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
<[email protected]>
alt.fan.warlord,alt.religion.kibology
The first of many postings (in this
book) about .signature files, which
used to be a common sight but are
now in danger of extinction as
more people realize how pointless
they are, and as more people access
Usenet through programs too easy
to use to be used by people who
know how to make a .signature.)
In alt.fan.warlord article <[email protected]>,
Greg Alt <[email protected]> wrote:
> > @@@@@
> >@## #@
> >@#
@
@@@@@#
---------------------------------------> >@@
#@
@@@@@####
#| Luis Miguel Gottschalk Mata da Silva |
> > @@@@@
@@@@@####
#|
“Snaga”
|
> > @@@@@@@@@####
#|
e-mail [email protected]
|
> >
@@@@###
#|
tel.: (351) (01) 443 0373
|
8
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> @@@@@@@@@####
> @@@@@
@@@@@####
>@@
#@
@@@@@####
>@#
@
@@@@@#
>@## #@
> @@@@@
#|
VIVA A ANARQUIA!!!
|
#---------------------------------------########################################
I could’ve not broken the ASCII art, but I
thought you’d enjoy a challenging jigsaw puzzle.
Now THAT has got to be a violation of the CDA. I think we all understand
the importance of holding the buzzsaw away from our body without such
(BUA) graphic depictions.
That’s the Zapfest Dingbat I’ve ever seen.
new Edith Bunker font.
> P.S. Here’s
>
>
A D /- |\
> / \ D L, |/
>
>
|
|
> OL D C O| E
>
Maybe it’s from some
a real nifty font for use in .sigs:
F F /- H | T K | n n n| n P n R C T | | \ / |n| X \ / 7
L | LT || | J |\ L |V| |V U | U, |\ / | U
V V V / \ Y L
n
| o o | |
T O| |A | | K | AA |A () D
J
J
|
|
O| |^ S T UL \/ VV >< V 7_
V
/
I’m from | | | o
o
| | | | |A () | S .
Hey!
You cheated with your little ess!
> /-7 ^ 7 > /| C / 7 o O
> |/J L L > -+ J O / O /
Oh, you didn’t tell it right.
You forgot the ||\() about the nuns!
-- K.
I hear your font is going to be used
all day every day on MTV’s “Yack Live”!
Greg Alt is a master of really small (two lines tall) BUAFs.
(BUAF = “Butt-Ugly ASCII Font”.) Of course, because I’m
putting the quoted material in italics, it ruined his lovely
letters here. Honestly, if I hadn’t cut the scissors in half and
italicized his little parts, his artwork would be beautiful.
9
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
References:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Re: Dolphin and Crop Circles
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
<[email protected]>
news.misc,alt.religion.kibology,alt.alien.visitors
In news.misc article <[email protected]>,
Joyce Murphy <[email protected]> wrote:
> NEWS RELEASE:
> Circles Phenomenon Research is hosting a research expedition to swim
> and interact with tame and wild dolphin off the Florida Keys and in
> the northern Bahamas. Dates are April 27 through May 6, 1996.
> Directors of the expedition are Colin and Synthia Andrews, Masahiro
> Kahata, and David Ison.
>
> Dolphin and crop circles have at least one common characteristic > sound. This extended workshop at sea is an exploration of sound:
> sound as communication; sound as a healing agent; sound as an
> instrument of transformation. The expedition will be examining two
> particular sounds: a two-tone noise which was recorded inside of a
> crop circle; and music created from the harmonic ratios encoded in
> many crop circles.
And lo!
“KOO-KOO!
The two-tone noise!
KOO-KOO!
KOO-KOO!
From the crop circle!
Was!
KOO-KOO!”
> The crop circle sound seemingly emanated from
> within a circle in the vicinity of Cheesefoot Head in England.
The foot of the head cheese!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Darwin think
Usenet
stupid.
It is
5.2 kilohertz in frequency and reveals a bipolar quality very similar
to a dolphin\222s sonar. Many people hearing this sound report a variety
of responses such as altered states of mind, heightened awareness,
extreme emotions, a kinesthetic experience of energy and / or
cessation of physical ailments, memory of abduction or UFO
interaction, and a pervasive sense of familiarity. Many people who
have witnessed a UFO also report hearing a similar sound. In fact,
CSETI has reported success with extra terrestrial contact while
projecting this sound into the nightsky during meditation. They
report that in one experiment the sound was returned issuing forth
from lights in the sky. One objective with the dolphin is to
determine whether the sound holds any special intrigue for them.
If dolphins will hang around the set of “SeaQuest DSV”, they’ll listen
to any sort of babbling noise.
10
>
>
>
>
>
>
The members of the expedition will act as participants engaging as
subjects in the research. There will essentially be two phases. The
first will be to interact with the dolphin through the medium of sound
playing via underwater hydrophone. The second phase of the project
will be to measure the effects of these recordings on human
brainstates.
In elevators.
>
>
>
>
>
There will be ample time to swim with the dolphin, lay in the sun, and
attend lectures given by David, Colin, and Synthia. Lecture topics
will highlight the architecture of music, sound healing and
transformation, the emotional and energetic components of health and
sound experiences in the crop circles.
Don’t forget the Taos Hum was also discovered to have moved to the teeth
of that reporter who lived in the inverted pyramid.
>
>
>
>
>
Synthia Ramsby-Andrews is well known as a researcher practitioner in
healing and consciousness including first degree Reiki and hands on
healing. She will lead us in focused meditation and in exploring
healing interaction with mutual exchange between dolphin and human
participants.
>
>
>
>
circles phenomenon and will
supervise the underwater playing of the cropcircles sounds for the
purpose of calling the wild dolphin. He will also share experiences
of mind-links in relation to crop circles.
This typo is not
th
Kibo’s fault –
I hope the dolphins signed release forms before participating in ese
there’s an
experiments.
explanation a few
> Colin Andrews is considered to be the foremost authority on the crop hundred pages later.
Mind-links are fascinating. Once Spock got into a crop circle and kept
telling everyone he was King Tut until Kirk played that eerie two-tone
sound that made Spock get mad and then everything was okay.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Colin and Synthia are very excited to bring two exceptional people to
the professional research team, Masahiro Kahata and David Ison.
Masahiro Kahata has developed the most advanced brain monitoring
system presently available, the IBVA. He has used this equipment to
study psychic phenomenon with experts around the world. He will
monitor brainwaves of the participants under different sound
conditions, correlating brainstates with effects of crop circle sound
and music.
The real secret to understanding the brainwave is to look for that first
neuron that stands up with its hands over its head. Everything
progresses around the brain in both directions until the two waves meet.
There’s usually one obnoxious neuron who tries to start this wave at
11
least ten times every nine innings.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
David Ison is an extraordinarily gifted visionary and creator of
therapeutic sound technologies. His work combines the physical,
emotional, energetic, and spiritual components of health in a
sound-based matrix. He is the founder of TheraSound and has created
and developed psychoacoustic therapy and vibrotactile delivery
systems. These systems have been studied by the National Institute of
Health and are being used in alternative and traditional medicine.
TheraSound was my favorite ThunderCat.
-- K.
I’m laughing with, not laughing at.
The question is, laughing with WHAT?
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
References:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Re: Hey, read my story!
1996/02/22
<[email protected]>
<[email protected]>
[seen on misc.creativity and several other groups]
<[email protected]> wrote:
> It’s called Scruffy, the Battle Dog, and it’s at:
>
> http://mindlink.net/James_Lewis/scruffy.html
>
> In the story of a group of weary soldiers befriends a dog they find on
> the battlefield. The story moves as smooth and fast
> as a motorboat on a flat lake, and has killer dialogue. Check it
> out, you’ll like it.
I REELY LIKED THE PART WHERE THE FIVE R0B0TS TURNED INTO SCRUFFEY THE
KILLER SUPER BATTLED0G AND THEN HE BL0WDED UP THE BAD MANS !!!!!!!1
-- K.
Coming soon:
“Spot, The Battle Dog, In Bed!”
12
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Low-key political rant; ignore if desired (was Re: Hm.)
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo
Matt McIrvin <[email protected]> wrote:
> [90 lines of serious political ranting deleted]
> >:who’ve written about their political beliefs.
>
> Indeed, I’ve spouted my liberal claptrap before, and Louis Nick is
> very unabashed about his belief that people who are not conservatives
> have brain damage, and even Kibo has occasionally made noises in
> support of Libertarian Party candidates, though I think he finds their
> obsession with the UN Moon Treaty a bit quixotic.
Um...
I voted for Perot because he gave me the giggles, not Andre Marrou, who
wasn’t nearly as inspirationally zany. When I voted for Ron Paul, it
was BECAUSE of the Moon Treaty, not in spite of it--we NEED to blow up
the Moon (a) to get rid of Barbara Bain and (b) to make Alexander Abian
shut up for once and for all. This election, I will vote for the person
I find most respectable, Truman Bradley.
>
>
>
>
Nevertheless, Kibology itself is fairly apolitical, since it’s
basically a big joke, and not a political joke at that. But there are
limits; I do find it hard to imagine it appealing to totalitarians of
any stripe.
According to the Nolan Baseball Diamond Thingie the Libertarians always
use to prove that everyone is a closet Libertarian, I’m a stadtist.
You’re not invited to my big election rally at the fadscidst stadtium.
Matt, you’re too serious for alt.religion.kibology, and as a stadtitdst
I am a more comptetent jutdge of whadt is seriouds.
-- K.
NONE DARE CALL IT STADTISTICS!
The Nolan Graph looks like this:
<--- GOODNESS
LIBERTARIANS
STUPIDITY --->
STADTISTS
& DEAD
PEOPLE
DEMO.,
REPUB.
13
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Re: NEW CORKSCREW
1996/02/26
<[email protected]>
misc.creativity,alt.religion.kibology
In misc.creativity article <[email protected]>,
> My name is Dany Cote
>
> Iàm studying Mechanical Engineering at Sherbrooke University (Quebec).
>
> This session I have a design course.
>
> My project is to design a new “CORKSCREW”.
>
> I would like you to tell me some ideas about a corkscrew you’d like to buy or use,
>
> Or things you would like to change on a typical corkscrew (problem, mechanism...)
I would design a corkscrew that could be used to perform psychic surgery.
Also it would levitate above the bottle and do its work with magnets.
The problem is that at this very moment, in Japan, they’re designing
better corks! Corks made of indestructible, nuclear-blast-proof
Tvyek-coated dilithium designed to TRAP YOUR WINE FOREVER!
-- K.
And airline food, what’s up with that?
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: PRAYER,Mon19Feb96 Hymn: Schumann Romance,in F-Sharp, Op.28,
1996/02/21
<[email protected]>
alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics
[newsgroups line trimmed]
> Since the ONE ATOM PLUTONIUM EVERYTHING UNIVERSE unifies all
> subjects,especially all the sciences I will crosspost to the above
> newsgroups.
But if everything in the Universe
there’s no need for cross-posting
there’s no need to HAVE more than
that all Usenet discussion on all
can be described by one theory, then
to thousands of other newsgroups because
one newsgroup--from now on, I declare
subjects will take place in ONE newsgroup.
USENET 1996: IT’S JUST ONE NEWSGROUP.
14
And the name of the one newsgroup, the only newsgroup, the holy newsgroup?
Alt.sex.fetish.robots.
> Since members of sci.bio.ethology has taken upon themselves to
> emailbomb me,
No, no, members of an ethology group would NEVER do something so
unethical. I did, however, see someone taking out a full-page-of-text
advertisement in “Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists” demanding that
(a) all newsgroups but alt.sex.fetish.robots should be destroyed to
eliminate cross-posting, and (b) they should go back to the old clock
that looked like the evil robots on “Terrahawks”. Also the Union of
Concerned Scientists has officially changed their name to the Union of
Moderately Worried Scientists and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.
> I will crosspost to those groups that need praying the
> most. Praying is the highest form of behaviour.
I take back what I said about alt.sex.fetish.robots. If praying is the
highest, them we should keep only alt.tv.mantis. My pals Zorak and
Moltar second that.
>
>
>
>
Kibo spent over 400
hours making these
two drawings just to
entertain nuclear
scientists who watch
“Terrahawks”.
I would be surprized if
any other species recognizes the fact of our Creator, 231PU. And those
that do not as humans, come back reincarnated as a lower life form
until they do get that correct.
What happens if we keep getting demoted?
official procedure--
There’s got to be some sort of
humans
dogs
Spot
centipedes
99-pedes
unipedes
amoebae
amebas
Pez
people who
bought Dodge
Vipers because
of that TV show
and then what?
Does the sign bit flip and Viper fans become God?
-- K.
taking notes on “Terrahawks” episodes
This was before NBC’s “Viper” got cancelled the FIRST time.
Back when NBC’s “seaQuest DSV” was still in its infancy…
15
Reasons Kibo Hasn’t Posted Lately.
1996/02/21
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.usenet,alt.folklore.urban
Hey, does anyone know why that Kibo guy hasn’t posted anything in the past
two years? I have heard some theories...
1.) He’s busy arresting everyone who uses the words “doodie”, “weener”,
and “Fraggle Rock” on Usenet, as pursuant to the FCC Modem Tax/Telecom Bill.
2.) His lawyers told him not to talk to anyone until his fifteen
lawsuits against Joel K. Furr were settled. (Kibo was awarded custody
of the pets.)
3.) He’s been posting exclusively to eWorld, the COOLEST ONLINE SERVICE EVER:
It’s the same server and client software as AOL, but without any stuff
available for download, and it costs more! Gee, I hope eWorld never goes away.
4.) It takes all his time to prepare for his nightly role as
The Screaming Obnoxious Jerk On Conan O’Brien’s Show. Also he receives
thousands of fan letters a day from lovestruck fashion models.
This article would be at the start of the book if only computers
made it possible to sort things in chronological order.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
5.) He had a heart attack on the Boston subway and nobody noticed. You
can still see him riding through Copley Square every five minutes for
the rest of eternity.
6.) He was arrested for assassinating McLean Stevenson.
7.) He moved to Chechnya to make a fortune in the black market in AOL
installation disks. What may be free here may, obviously, be worth a
million dollars a disk in other countries.
8.) His new Internet connection goes 580,124,830,000 baud, so his posts
come out so fast you can’t even see them. Only dogs can read them, and
dogs can’t read. Poor Spot!
CONAN
9.) He won the Nobel Prize for Annoyingness, and retired, his work complete.
10.) He’s busy having his .sig pressed onto 1-gig cartridges he will be
mailing to everyone in the world.
11.) He turned into one of those three plastic frogs that say
“Rec!” “Org!” “Mensa!” in those TV ads aimed at super-genius double-domes;
you can see them during “Transformers: Generation 2”.
-- K.
P.S. You people haven’t changed.
Rrr.
16
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Reasons Kibo Hasn’t Posted Lately.
1996/02/22
<[email protected]>
Ethan Ligon <[email protected]> wrote:
> Kibo! You’ve given me reason to type “trn” again! Thanks!
Don’t type “trn”. Select “Keyword” from the AOL drop menus, type in
“Usenet”, and then double-click on random articles to read them.
If it says “you have already downloaded [filename]” then you know you
haven’t read it yet, and vice versa. Also pay close attention to the
handy feature that shows you the headers of a message and then
immediately brings up a huge dialog box covering them up to tell you
that it’s only showing you the headers and you have to decide whether to
download it. Don’t forget to let it trash the resource fork of your
Online Database file which contains all your settings and addresses and
stuff. (Windows users don’t have resource forks to begin with, so their
AOL software will crash in different, better ways.) And remember that
the only way to cancel your subscription is to go to their corporate
headquarters in Alaska in person and you must bring every single AOL
startup disk you ever received, in its original packaging, or you will
have to memorize an entire day of “Yack Live”.
Or, better yet, try eWorld, which is a billion times better because it’s
exactly the same except there are no l00zerz on it. In fact, there
isn’t anyone on it but you and four or five Performa users.
-- K.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
References:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
1996/02/22
<[email protected]>
<[email protected]> <[email protected]>
Joe Thompson <[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
>
> >
-- K.
> >
P.S. You people haven’t changed. Rrr.
>
> But obviously you have. Into an electric carving knife.
>
> Joe “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! -- I’m a chainsaw, take that!” Thompson
17
Oh yeah well then I’m the INFINITY MILLION DOLLAR MAN and I have bionic
super atom-powered chainsaw arms all over my body take that you big silly!!!
I LOVE CANDY!!!!!!! Except for that ribbon stuff great-grandma has but
she won’t let me eat any of it anyway.
-- K.
P.S. true SCSI-2 connector... Mmm.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.usenet
Rich Holmes <[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) writes:
>
> >10.) He’s busy having his .sig pressed onto 1-gig cartridges he will be
> >mailing to everyone in the world.
>
> Hey, that reminds me, I got in some trouble a few months ago when I
> posted what I understood to be an authentic Kibo sig (strictly for
> educational purposes, mind you) and caught major shit for it because,
> they said, it was an OBSOLETE and INCORRECT version of the sig. Also,
> it had “aibohphobia” misspelled. Could you post the Authorized
> Version of your sig so we can verify whether or not I am a pinhead of
> major proportions as certain neo-kibologists claim? I bet I am.
>
> -> - Doctroid Doctroid Holmes
>
>
`Nobody has a “Bruce Ediger” quote in their .sig - not even me.’
>
- Bruce Ediger
Gee, I don’t know if it will let me post this because I quoted so much
text above.
--BEGIN UUENCODED MIME BINHEX FILE--
Kibo’s famous thousand-line .signature elided.
See appendix for all of Kibo’s various .signatures.
18
Subject:
From:
Date:
1996/02/27
Message-Id:
<[email protected]>
References:
<[email protected]> <[email protected]>
<[email protected]>
Organization: HappyNet Headquarters
Newsgroups:
In article <[email protected]>, Joe Chew <[email protected]> wrote:
> Because “Kibo’s accommodations are a single, drafty bunkhouse
> with climbers fighting over the inadequate number of cots.”
> (_Forbes FYI_, October 23, 1995, p. 40)
Oh, like I’d invite a NOBODY like Steve Forbes over to visit. Let me
put it bluntly: I do not mix with the little people. I move in the
jet-set with America’s movers and shakers. He’s just some declasse’ schmuck.
-- K.
Also the left side of his face
is out of lip sync with the right side.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Scientist backs claims urine can help cure cancer
1996/02/26
V
<[email protected]>
[Reposted without permission from clari.libing.bizarre, the best newsgroup
in the whole world. I especially like the way they NEVER sue me.]
Reuter / Nelson Graves <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
GOA, India, Feb 25 (Reuter) - A Chinese scientist has said a
> chemical in urine can help cure cancer, backing disputed claims
> by therapists at an international conference that human waste
NOW do you believe I
> has untapped healing properties.
never make anything up?
>
Dr Ming Chen Liau, vice general manager of the Long Life
> Biomedical Co Ltd in Western Hefei, China, presented his
> research findings at the weekend to the first World Conference
> on Auto-Urine Therapy in western India.
And now, another thrilling episode of Glen A. Larson’s
“Auto-Urine Man”!
Chuck Wagner:
You have created me, the world’s first fully
automatic urine man.
19
Desi Arnaz Jr.: Duhhhhhhh?
Chuck Wagner:
Desi Arnaz Jr.: Gawrsh!
Chuck Wagner:
22!
One a scale of 1 to 10,
you might say that I am an 11.
Duhhhhhhhhh?
Cursor, rez up the AutoUrinalCake!
[I think about five people are having flashbacks to beloved
childhood television viewing hours right now.]
> [...]
>
Many of the 600 delegates from 17 nations attending
> the three-day conference, which ended on Sunday, drink
> their own urine and use it for body massages.
DUHHHHHH?
Michael Palin’s trolling the world again.
> [...]
>
Arai studied 1,752 people who practised urine therapy
> and suffered ailments ranging from diabetes to cancer.
Well, if these 1,752 people got diabetes and cancer from
urine therapy, it must be good.
> [...]
>
Arai’s laboratory is affiliated with Japan’s Miracle Cup of
> Life (MCL) institute, which promotes urine therapy.
I like microwavable beef flavor Miracle Cup Of Life. I eat it at
baseball games. The perfect baseball game is a tie where everyone loses.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
[...]
Dr Ryoichi Nakao, chairman of the institute, said about
200,000 Japanese gargled or swallowed their urine. Dr John Abele
said as many as five million Germans were devotees.
Proponents of the therapy say urine, which is 95 percent
water, 2.5 percent minerals and 2.5 percent urea, has substances
that can stimulate the immune system and fight infections.
Nakao, who gargles with urine for 30 seconds every morning,
said he had identified ``sensors’’ at the back of the throat
that activate the immune system when in contact with urine.
After this point, the article gets stupid.
-- K.
20
Subject:
From:
Date:
Reply-To:
Newsgroups:
STORY: Einstein’s Pointless Visit To Dimension Zero (NEW)
1996/02/22
[email protected]
Hot off the press, not yet proofread or anything.
EINSTEIN’S POINTLESS VISIT TO DIMENSION ZERO
Copyright (C) 1996 James “Kibo” Parry
©
It’s New New New.
“Arf! Arf!” yapped Spot. He was chasing his tail in circles. “Yap! Yap!”
Einstein was peeved. “Stupid puppy!” he bellowed. “Can’t you
stop that for one second?”
“Sorry, Professor,” barked Spot, “I didn’t realize you were
working just because you were using your slide rule and calculator and
blackboard and mainframe computer and home office. Hey, lemme help you.”
Spot immediately cleaned off the mess on Einstein’s blackboard.
Einstein screamed! “AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! STUPID PUPPY!”
Spot tucked his tail neatly between his little legs and tried to
draw the gigantic equation again. “Look, Professor, it’s as good as new.
I even made it more symmetrical by adding some stuff to one side. It’s
so much cooler now--it’s not just an equation, it’s a functional
description of a cosmic string!”
“NOW IT’S GARBAGE!” yelled Einstein, who for some reason sounded
like Walter Matthau and not even remotely like the famous physicist.
Spot cowered in fear. When Einstein was in his Matthau mode, serious
punishment was in store! Einstein opened his mouth and yelled-“GO TO BED WITHOUT YOUR ‘MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS’!”
Spot cried! Now he’d miss part four of the five-part Green
Ranger miniseries, and he’d never be able to understand part five!
“That’s the meanest worstest thing you ever made me not watch!” bawled
Spot, whose grammar and syntax shamed themselves out of existence. He
slithered away and sobbed himself to sleep. It was 2 p.m., _hours_
before his usual bedtime.
Einstein went back to work on his important project: the world’s
first four-dimensional toaster. Instead of burning the edges of toast,
it would burn the sides, and the crumbs would fly off at a right angle,
landing in a small tray in a place where no human being would ever be
bothered by them: Dimension Four. Hyperspace. The Twilight Zone.
Tumbolia. Shatnerville. The Bigger Apple. After all, what better use for
an infinite, multi-dimensional void than to dispose of pesky little
bitty crumbs?
(Author’s note: the new toaster would utilize a principle in
statistical thermodynamics which said that in a system with discrete
spin states, you can produce a temperature greater than infinity, which
results in a negative temperature. Obviously, that’s not _real_
science.)
After chalking the last exponent onto the final equation, he
plugged in his ordinary household toaster, and repeated the equation
21
aloud while slowly passing his hands over the slots. Then he repeated it
backwards, while daubing his forehead with butter. The toaster seemed to
twist in some strange way, turned itself inside out, and then promptly
vanished in a puff of crumbs. “Drat! I forgot to carry the one!”
Einstein erased his equation, giving up forever, because he knew no
method for carrying the one. He had pronounced it impossible back in
1932.
Moving on to his next project, a toy zeppelin six inches long
that could be piloted by trained Pez, Einstein remembered to take his
medication. The Pezzelin immediately changed into a meta-relativistic
orthogonator. He scratched his head. “Oh, yeah, now I remember. This is
what I was supposed to be working on.” He knew that because he found a
string tied to his little finger. The other end was tied to a large cue
card that said-REMEMBER: YOU’RE DEVELOPING A META-RELATIVISTIC ORTHOGONATOR,
NOT A PEZZELIN!
He examined the gadget and was quite surprised to see that when
he thought had been gluing Captain Lemon Brick into his little seat, he
had in fact been programming a neural network to act as an
ultra-high-frequency phase oscillator, and the oscillator in the
orthogonator was connected to the ratchet in the hatchet that held up
the flagon with the dragon by the chalice in the-Einstein slapped himself. “Slap out of it!”
“What?”
“Stop talking to yourself!”
“Okay,” he said.
From the next room, Spot started yapping. “GO BACK TO SLEEP!”
screamed Einstein. “HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME DURING A SACRED MOMENT!”
He was just about to switch on the meta-relativistic orthogonator for
its maiden voyage into the uncharted seas of science. In fact, he was
switching it on, he noted with idle curiosity. If the warning note
written on his hand in ballpoint was to be taken seriously, then he
shouldn’t be doing this, because it could unbind him from consensus
reality, whatever that meant. Whoever had been writing on his hand must
have been some kind of nut. In fact, graphoanalytically speaking, the
shape of the “t” meant that the person was probably suffering from-The meta-relativistic orthogonator buzzed and all the cosmic
strings passing within 100,000,000 light years were neatly cut,
catapulting Einstein into another universe where there were no laws of
physics, only general guidelines. Instead of Time, there was Beef. He
wondered about this for several steaks before deciding not to spend
another burger in this bizarre place. He pushed the “Revert” button on
his orthogonator and it divided his baryon number by 1038, producing---a loud “WAMP, WAMP, WUH, WUHHHH!” noise. Then it coughed and
excused itself. Because there were no laws of physics, the gadget
couldn’t change the laws of physics, so there was no way Einstein could
ever get out of this completely nonsensical universe! No siree, no way,
never, no way could he ever leave, never ever ever---Einstein fell out of the weird dimension and landed in a soft,
squishy one. “Yow!” he said. “This looks like the fabled Place Where
Only Stupid Stuff Happens!” Oddly, the air was filled with a pattern of
GARRETT MORRIS QUOTE
22
glowing horizontal lines that flickered many times a second. There was a
gigantic channel selector hundreds of feet above him. Einstein gasped.
“Television? Television is stupid?” He made a mental note to publish
this discovery after returning home. Unfortunately, he might never get
the chance, as a syndicated series was creeping up behind him! Before he
saw it, it was on him, and he was on it.
Something had changed. He looked down at his body. He was about
a foot tall and his hands were larger than normal. Feeling his face, he
realized that his head had also enlarged. His face was completely rigid,
except that he could move his lower lip, which was operated by several
fine wires which entered his brain from above. The puppeteer tilted
Einstein’s head back so he could look upwards. Hey! There was a
puppeteer up there! Einstein was baffled. What kind of warped show was
this?
In a billowing cloud of miniature dust, a scale model of the
world’s largest station wagon roared past, followed by large glowing
letters in the air:
U L T R A W O O D Y
A Gerry & Sylvia Anderson production
FILMED IN SUPEROBOTIMOTIONATION
There was a jump-cut, and Einstein was behind the wheel of the
huge yet tiny car, wearing his official S.W.E.L.L. uniform with the big
shoulders. His navigator, Grid Rockwell, and exotic, mute alien
girlfriend, Ding-A-Lingle, were sitting next to him. And the theme song
began to play:
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Gas-guzz-lin’, char-gin’, fast car
Big-gest car in all the land
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Pow-er-ful ve-hi-cle, GO! (ZOOM ZOOM FAST!)
Ul-tra-wo-ody CRUSH ‘EM NOW! (WHAT A BLAST!)
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Ein-stein saves the world from Blar
and plays gui-tar in a band
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Doc Al-Bert Ein-stein leads SWELL! (SWELL SWELL HO!)
Ding-A-Ling-le and Grid fight! (AS YOU KNOW!)
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
(I’ll get you, Albert Einstein!)
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
Ul-tra-woo-dy!
UL-TRA... WOO-DY!!!
Gerry Anderson,
the British Irwin Allen.
23
Narration blared from thin air. “Saving Worlds from Evil,
Leeches, and Lowlifes is the job for SWELL, led by daring young action
hero and international celebrity, Albert Einstein, known to his
S.W.E.L.L. friends as Secret Agent J. But a hero’s work is never done,
for the evil Slar is at this very moment watching from the red planet
Mars. Watching... and waiting... to conquer the world!”
The secret videophone hidden in the station wagon’s cigarette
lighter beeped. Grid drawled, “Shur sounds lake ther President’s callin’
us agin, Ain-stain.”
Einstein kept his disproportionately large eyes fixed on the
HO-scale road. “Well, Grid, looks like we’ll have to miss the auto show
at the mall. I’ll pull over so we can answer the phone.” He pulled the
gigantic lever that braked the car with a titanium-steel anchor. A
soundproof phone booth rose out of the roof of the car and a revolving
radar dish popped out of the top of the secret booth. A tiny escalator,
three steps long, carried Einstein into the booth, to which a robotic
arm was affixing the secret S.W.E.L.L. logo. Einstein picked up the
oversize phone with his stubby puppet fingers.
On the screen of the International Videophone, President Rugged
appeared. “Einstein! Where have you been?”
“Mr. President! I’ve been out of contact because I was trapped
in a vault six thousand feet under the earth where the evil Slar poured
a thousand gallons of concrete over me! But fortunately Ding-A-Lingle
was carrying her makeup kit, which contained a vial of acetone, the only
substance that can dissolve concrete.”
“An excellent way to dig yourself out of a grave situation,
Secret Agent J. But I’m afraid something even more serious has come up.
The evil Slar of Mars has announced his plan to make an international
broadcast to announce yet another evil plan.”
Just then, the screen filled with static. Einstein fiddled with
the toothpaste caps which were glued to the little cardboard console.
“Mr. President? Hello?”
From the car, Grid yelled, “What’s rawng, Ain-stain?”
“Something--or someONE--is jamming the President’s phone!” The screen
filled with static and then a silver face appeared. It was Slar! There
was a MUSIC STING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slar cackled his evil laugh. “The internationally famous Secret
Agent J, I presume! Unless you turn over the secret formula for
Ultrawoody’s Dyna-Gasoline, the only substance that can propel a vehicle
so large, I will release my army of killer bubbles which will scrub your
planet into oblivion!”
Einstein was shocked. “But--but--that’s PREPOSTEROUSLY EVIL,
even for YOU, Slar!”
Slar laughed. “You have one hour, Einstein, and not even
Ultrawoody can stop me! Hahahahahaha!” He hung up.
Einstein dove through the glass wall of the phone booth, landing
back in the driver’s seat. “Grid, retract phone booth! Ding-A-Lingle,
fasten my safety belt! Everyone, we are preparing to go to FULL POWER!”
Grid pushed a button. “Ultrawoody Ultratires check!” The tires
inflated to double size.
Ding-A-Lingle held up a wooden hand to show that she had somehow
24
crossed her fingers between scenes. Einstein noticed that she looked
just like Catherine Schell in convenient puppet form.
Grid pushed another button. “Ultrawoody Ultraheadlights check!”
The wooden panels on the sides of the car were ejected, revealing banks
of high-intensity headlights facing not just ahead, but to the side as
well! He pushed the third, and last, button. “Ultrawoody Ultraspeed is
SWELL!” The four engines fired, blowing a conical shower of sparks out
the overhead-mounted exhaust pipe. Ultrawoody shot down the road at
incredible speed. “Passing Mach 1! Mach 2! Mach 3!”
Einstein gritted his teeth, which were invisible behind his
immobile upper lip. “Prepare for Ringo separation!”
A hatch, where the tailgate should have been, opened and a ramp
shot out. Explosive bolts fired on the roof of Ultrawoody, and a
hydraulic lift raised a pink Volkswagon Beetle onto the roof. It was
painted in psychedelic swirls with the secret S.W.E.L.L. logo and the
name RINGO prominently displayed. A big slingshot launched the tiny car
in the direction opposite the one Ultrawoody was flying along.
Ultrawoody’s tires all rotated halfway around their vertical axes, so
that Ultrawoody was now going backwards! It caught up to the pink bug
and both slowed to a stop. Everyone got out of Ultrawoody and piled into
Ringo.
Grid nodded his head, which was his only means of body language.
“Better not let Slar find Ultrawoody lying thair, Secret Agent J. We’d
best use the tempo-ra-ree dee-struct!”
Einstein pushed the button that blew Ultrawoody to 516
carefully-numbered bits which would later reassemble themselves with
magnets. Then they raced towards their secret destination, International
Government HQ, in the pink Beetle.
Will the world be saved? What will happen when Grid is buried up
to his neck in red ants? Will Ding-A-Lingle escape the clutches of
Mars-ipan, the giant Martian teddy bear? What secret plan will Secret
Agent J use to foil the diabolical schemes of Slar? Tune in next week!
“Aw, rats,” said Einstein as the cool car disappeared from
around him. Grid and Ding-A-Lingle faded away as well, and Einstein’s
S.W.E.L.L. uniform changed back to a baggy sweater with holes in the
patches on the elbows. He saw something floating in the air near him,
and it was his Meta-Relativistic Orthogonator. he grabbed it before it
could fly away and set it to Level Z, which should by all rights have
taken him back where he belonged. Instead, it---let out a little wine. One arm of Einstein’s sweater was
stained purple! He ignored it and turned the phase selector to Level Z2.
Einstein’s body rolled up like an old roller blind. Then an
anthropomorphic bulldog squirted him in the eye with a fountain pen, fed
him alum (which made his head shrink,) and put on a pair of nylon
stockings with seams running up the back. Einstein’s eyes bugged out,
and smaller eyes bugged out of them, and smaller eyes bugged out of
those. Nearby, a bug’s eyes Einsteined out. Before he suffered permanent
optic nerve distension, Einstein nudged the selector over to phase Z3
and--
25
--suddenly his head was even bigger, and rounder, than it had
been in the puppet show. At least there were no strings holding him up
now, but he moved in a very jerky way, and his hair was painted on! Spot
was there, too, but he was as big as Einstein, and covered with brown
fuzz. “Einey,” said Spot in a pious voice, “why did God make gravity? I
don’t like it.”
Einstein answered in his squeaky voice. “Jeepers, Spot! Our
pastor said never to ask stuff like that or God’ll get mad!”
“Gee, Einey, I’m sorry. Hey! Look! Blasting caps! Let’s put some
down that new kid’s pants!”
“Jeepers, Spot! Dad said never to do stuff like that or God’ll
get mad!”
“Woof! Einey, you’re no fun. All these rules and stuff. Maybe we
should just avoid trouble by doing nothing.”
“Jeepers, Spot! Mom said never to do stuff like that or God’ll
get mad!”
Just then, Gumby skated by. He plowed into Einey and fell into
Einey’s Bible, leaving a stain of green grease on Leviticus! Spot barked
and jumped in after him.
“Jeepers, Spot! Wait for me!” Einey dived into the Bible, too.
There were lots of people inside, named Joshua and Judah and Jehosaphat
and Jingleheimerschmidt. They were all solid white! “Jeepers, Spot! I
told you we shouldn’t have looked at that grown-up magazine with the
naughty picture! All our Bible friends have turned to salt!”
Spot licked Jedediah. “Doesn’t taste like salt. Woof. My tongue
hurts! These people are all bumpy. Einey, we’re in a BRAILLE bible!”
“Oh, is that all? Hmm, I guess these guys do look like they’ve
got acne.”
Einstein burped. Oops! He forgot that burping in the Bible was
bad. A lightning bolt hit him, knocking him into yet another strange
dimension.
Spot was writing on a blackboard. “E equals m c squared plus
David Hasselhoff,” he yapped. “No, wait, David Hasselhoff’s not a
number, he’s a variable, so he must be isolated.” Spot set to work
building a machine to encase David Hasselhoff in selenium.
“Yap!” spoke Einstein. “Yap yap yap!”
Spot hit him with a rolled-up newspaper. “Bad Einstein! Bad!”
“Yap yap yap yap yap dimension yap yap yap yap yap orthogonator
yap yap WAAH!” whined Einstein, frustrated by his lack of vocal chords.
He stuck his tail between his legs and hid under the sofa, where he
found half a Cheez-It. Maybe the Cheez-It would be his friend.
The Cheez-It took his meta-relativistic orthogonator away and
smashed it. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” bawled the ex-scientist as the Cheez-It
welcomed him to this dimension, where he would stay forever, and assured
him that, yes, the Cheez-It would be his BEST FRIEND FOR EVER AND EVER.
Einstein ate him.
He licked orange crumbs off his paws. Just then, a gigantic pile
of toaster crumbs from the third dimension hit him in the face. He
sneezed and wished he had a best friend. If only he had known that the
Cheez-It had been Stephen Hawking.
THE END
ACTUAL SIZE
26
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Taco Hell
1996/02/22
<[email protected]>
alt.food.taco-Bell,alt.captain.sarcastic,alt.religion.kibology
In <[email protected]> [email protected] (captain sarcastic) writes:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
cosmic conceiver “Christina Hoy” <[email protected]> spewed:
|
| I don’t see why we have to compete, because the grass is always greener
| on the other side. But for those of us who didn’t jump on this WWW thing
| when it first started an memorize HTML, we have to get real jobs, realize
| that we can’t get a good job without college, and that if we don’t want
| to go to college, we better haul our shit someplace where somebody will
| pay us for what we do.
You could pick a random application, learn it, and get paid well to do
it. Director, Excel, anything.
Dark Forces?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
|
|
|
|
I got dibs on Dark Forces!!!!
Also, I believe that the only real losers in life are people who sit on
the sidelines and judge other people without actually getting a grip on
what’s going on inside their world. So, yes, I’m over 18 and work at taco
bell. Loser? Naw--in touch with the reality of my Citibank bill.
Your citibank bill would be a lot easier to pay if you were paid more,
right? I’m not trying to compete. I’m trying to say, hey, you have a
computer, and you know how to use it some, why not use it to get ahead a
bit? And why is programming or other computer work a “real” job?
Hey you guys! Stop walking
through my spaceship!
I mean, someone has to program those Taco Bell FIFOs for the food line, no?
Oh, come on, it’s not just a FIFO stack. There’s also a couple of seds
or maybe a DSP in there to replace the food you actually ordered with a
slightly different meal, i.e. if you order soft tacos without cheese
you’ll get hard tacos with cheese and extra onions.
There used to be a Taco Bell in Burlington that was testing the
futuristic Demolition Man-style user interface where you poked at a
touch screen to give your order. That lasted about a year. I think
they got tired of people punching in requests for 999 tacos with no meat
and no shell. They also had other flop food items, like chicken nuggets
and cheese fries (note: the nuggets and fries were the same ones from
KFC, as PepsiCo owns them all. Pizza Hut too.)
This is all probably old hat to the alt.food.taco-bell regulars, of
course, and they’ll probably point out that all Taco Bells in Sweden
give you a discount if you can fit your entire head into a taco shell,
or something.
-- K.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Followup-To:
Newsgroups:
Re: The Equinox Celebration of Planetary Restoration
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
alt.sex.bondage
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology
In alt.usenet.kooks article <[email protected]>,
Scott Wohl <[email protected]> wrote:
> Please read this message and post it and foward it wherever you can.
>
> THE EQUINOX CELEBRATION OF PLANETARY RESTORATION
>
> Beginning on Thursday, March 21 at 6:00 A.M,. Pacific Standard Time, an
> individual referring to himself as “Hugh Mann”, will undergo a 72 hour
> continuous fast inside of a “veal” crate
Someone made a crate out of veal? I bet the maximum stack height won’t
reach the warehouse ceiling before the pallets squish together and
grossola beef juice sprays everywhere.
>
>
>
>
>
>
to focus attention on the impact
that meat consumption has upon our planet and its inhabitants. During
this time, he will keep continuous silence. He will stay blindfolded for
a great deal of the period, except when he needs to perform certain
activities that do not allow him todo so, such as communicating with
people by writing.
And posting to alt.sex.bondage.
> He will continue this, without leaving the cage for
> any reason whatsoever, just like the unfortunate baby calf,
I hate the way the blindfold calves except when they communicate with
people by writing.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
born and
raised solely and unnecessarily to be eaten as veal, until Sunday, March
24 at 6:00 A.M. His statement, which will be on a sign on the outside of
the cage, is: “I am silent because I believe the evil that we, as a
people, inflict upon this planet and upon its innocent inhabitants, is
cruel beyond words and speech. I am in a cage and I am blindfolded
because I believe that as long as sentient beings are ruthlessly tortured
and slaughtered, we, as a people, are in bondage and in darkness. I fast
for the millions of our sisters and brothers, who will die of starvation
because the grain that I believe should have fed them was fed to animals
destined for slaughter.”
Well, if they’re DESTINED for slaughter, there’s nothing we can do about
it, is there? What’re you, a Calvinist?
(continued)
28
-- K.
Destined to be flamed by those folks
who don’t realize that God gave us
toothpicks so we could eat rare meat.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: The Vending-machine man is trolling.
1996/02/26
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.gard-Trask,alt.fan.the-Bob
Gardner S Trask <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I’m concerned.
>
> Several months ago I wrote you all about the candy the vending machine man
> imported from Canada.
>
> Now this.
>
> I just bought *the only* bag of Eagle(tm) Brand CHEEGLES.
>
> No, this is not a typo, it really says _CHEEGLES_!
Hey, Gardlane, I mean Gardner, the Stop & Shop a couple blocks from
world.std.com sells “TOAD-ALLY SNAX” products including “CHEEZEE”.
ZHEEZH!
> Here, let me describe; a small rad bag with the Eagle brand balzened
> across the top (gold letters on a field of blue) Below that in 18 pt.
> BerhardMod BT Font it says CHEEGLES in white letters rimmed in yellow.
How do you know it’s the BT one and not a Berthold photo font?
And is it balzened the old-fashioned way or with one of those new
computers like BALZ-AC?
WORD!
BTW, that market also has Hebrew Alef-Bet soup (kosher for passover) but
all the vowels are missing. On the passover shelf you will find
one of the two items you need for the following recipe:
18pt Bernhard Mod BT:
“CHEEGLES”
_CHEEZEE_.
29
KIBO’S LEAST PERFECT SNACK
Ingredients: 1 jar Fishlets, 1 bag Sixlets
Directions: Pour sixlets into bowl. Add Fishlets, including their
broth. Mix poorly. Garnish with balzen. Serve hot or cold.
Serves the entire hemisphere.
-- K.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: URINE THERAPY
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
news.misc,alt.religion.kibology
In news.misc article <[email protected]>,
Ernie Odom <[email protected]> wrote:
> I have been reading many things about on the benefits of this. Does anyone
> know anything about it?
If urine therapy worked, the New York City subways would be the
healthiest place on Earth.
-- K.
Unless you eat at the Nathan’s
in Grand Central.
I swear, I never bring up this subject.
It’s just that back in early 1996,
urine was on
everyone’s lips.
30
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: VehiclesALL lowestPrices WORLDWIDE at Net direct from MAKERS Consults free of charge
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks
In [many, many groups] article <[email protected]>,
SO ZERO VEICULOS-ALL <[email protected]> wrote:
> no reply .
> VEHICLE+ALL CHEAPEST :PUBLIC UTILITY Vehicles”MINIMUM PRICES worldwide”
> Organization: “SO ZERO VEICULOS-ALL” VEHICLE+ALL+CHEAPEST+REQUEST+NET
> IP Address -Host: 200.246.214.10 ( available for TALK
> :soft:http://www.elf.com/elf/wintalk.html
> named software:WTALK125.ZIP ( you could ask a TALK to us by E-MAIL
> giving your computer
> address: <userid>@<host number.port (IPaddress)>)
>
> i n t e r N E T NEWS,only to people that like lowest prices to pay:
> and without any extra prices : only factories/ Official minimum
> Resellers Prices,and MINIMUM NOW AVAILABLE FOR ALL at NET PRICES: REAL:
[Kibo begins humming clown music]
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>
>
>
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>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
doot
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doot
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doo
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doot
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doot
UNPUBLISHED - UP TO DATE SERVICES by our :
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vehicle data bank host - access free for “ALL”, to “ALL”:
FIRST TYPE OF SERVICES AT NET :( see at all rescue:Search Engines)
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warranted directly by Manufacturers / Services:
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31
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
“know 3 lowest prices :
WORLDWIDE OR BRASIL,preference to indicate.
*************************************************************
URL:http://www.embratel.net.br/infoserv/online/VEHICLE+ALL/SOZERO.html
URL:http://www.ghgcorp.com/ftnet/pubserv/VEHICLE.ALL/SOZERO.html
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our provider :”FOREIGN TRADE NETWORK- Company”
( IMPORTERS & EXPORTERS at Internet WWW Services )
URL - note:
( be carefull to ask for exactly same LOW+ HIGH FONTS: up written )
My car has HIGH FONTS!!!!
for my CB radio antennae!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I’m using the ascenders of Bernhard Modern
doo doot doot doo doot doot doo doot doot
********************************************************************
Visit us, we’ll be very much gratefull to inform ALL you need
“about ALL transports”;
DETAILED PROCEDURE:at URL / NET, and , for ALL Vehicles Needs.
You’ll be solving your transports
- purchases needs by our worldwide services, which
we’ll greatly appreciate to supply to you,
or to your COMPANY Fleets/or your only Best FRIENDS,
( DON’T TELL THESE NEWS to anyone else, only nice people )
Wellcome to: our upper URLs to send us *OUR QUERY FORM* full filled in.
doo doot!
-- K.
Lyrics Copyright (C) 1996 James “W.” Parry
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:33:32 -0400
From: [email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry)
Subject: Callbacks Of Science (was: Showing off in St. Antonio’s beach)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
[email protected] (Matthew J. McIrvin) wrote:
>In article <4ob457$2bf@uuneo>, [email protected] (Carlos May)
wrote:
>
>> And a tattoo of Hello Kitty on her butt!
32
>
>But then she started to *twirl her hair*, and I had to toss her into the
>Wonkamatic Plutonium Taffy Rack!
A “callback”, in the lingo of
>
professional standup comedy,
>(Callbacks have NO statute of limitations!!)
KIBO: But Dr. McIrvin, tell me, how does a callback work?
MATT: Let’s go over to my lab bench and I’ll SHOW you!
is making a reference to a joke you
told earlier.
“…with urine therapy! And maybe
then he’ll find the other sock!”
(THEY GO TO A DINING-ROOM TABLE WHICH HAS A RACK HOLDING VARIOUS
ERLENMEYER AND FLORENCE FLASKS, EACH OF WHICH IS FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT
COLOR OF WATER. TUBES CONNECT EVERY FLASK TO EVERY OTHER. AN OSCILLOSCOPE
IS DISPLAYING THE MOST TRIVIAL VARIANT OF A LISSAJOUS FIGURE.)
KIBO: Jeepers! Is all this stuff needed to do science?
MATT: Actually, I’m just using all this expensive laboratory glassware to
make coffee, which humanizes me and makes me not stereotypical. Also it
serves a valuable purpose because I cannot have coffee at home because I
cannot remember where I live. Now, press this.
(KIBO PRESSES THE BIG RED BUTTON. IT GIVES HIM A SHOCK.)
KIBO: Ow! That burned off part of my fingernail!
MATT: Heh-heh-heh. You see, science is not a toy!
KIBO: Gosh. Maybe I should keep my hands in my pockets from now on.
MATT: That’s a good idea, Kibo. But that means you will have to keep your
hands in your pockets FOREVER. And do you know how long FOREVER is,
according to the latest scientific discoveries?
KIBO: Isn’t it a way of saying-MATT: Wrong, Kibo. The scientific use of the term “forever” is for the
color between indigo and violet--the color which has a frequency exactly
seventy-two microns tall, or it would be if you were small enough to see
it!
KIBO: Oh. But what do callbacks have to do with some stupid color nobody likes?
MATT: Heh-heh-heh. Kibo, someday, when you grow up, maybe you, too, will
become a scientist. And then maybe you’ll have your own secret laboratory,
like me. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’ll be the first scientist to discover
WHY CALLBACKS WORK!
(THE TWO OF THEM SING THE THEME SONG TO “RHODA” AS THE CURTAIN FALLS.)
-- K.
P.S. I GET PAID TO DO THIS.
33
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Re: cool!
trap to embarass bozos
1996/05/04
<[email protected]>
rec.music.tori-Amos,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
alt.sex,misc.creativity,news.newusers.questions,alt.stupidity,alt.folklore.urban,alt.alien.visitors
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
“YHBT. HTH. HAND.” =
>Sometime in the last week or so, that abby girl was seen stating:
You Have Been Trolled (i.e.
>
someone dangled a line in
>>[email protected] wrote:
the water attached to a
>
fishhook with a sign saying
>>> Sometime in the last week or so, Greg Chapman was seen stating: THIS FISHHOOK IS
MADE OF YUMMY
>><blah blah about tori spelling confusions>
CANDY). Hope This
>
Helps. Have A Nice Day.
>>> YHBT. HTH. HAND.
Sometimes also seen as
>>>
“YHBT. YHL. HAND.” for
>>> -=><=“You Have Been Trolled.
>>> (I’ve been waiting to do that for a while now...)
You Have Lost.”
>
>>um... i’m clueless... what does it all mean, mtb, what does it all Mean?
>
>Something I picked up when I fell for someone’s troll... Took me a few minutes
>to figure it out.
>
>”You Have Been Trolled.
>Happy To Help.
>Have A Nice Day.”
>
>I have found it much nicer (and more appropriate) than “It was a fucking joke!
>Geez what a shithead!”
Of course, a year or two ago it was “YHBT, YHL, HAND” with YHL being “You
Have Lost”. _Why_ this usage, I don’t know. It must have something to do
with the fact that
Leonard Nimoy is the mother of Angela Lansbury.
which is the troll.
<--- this is the part
Note that only the above sentence is The Troll. None of the other
sentences on Usenet are considered trolls, and therefore, you should
followup to all of them before they expire. Because every time an article
expires, you lose TEN BRAIN CELLS!!! I know because I knew this girl in
third grade and she missed a day of Usenet and died and when they did the
autopsy SHE HAD TEN BRAIN CELLS MISSING!!!!
YHMASM, WOXIE SNET.
(continued)
34
-- K.
PLEASE POINT OUT ANY SPELING ERRORS BECAUSE I
KNOW I DIDN’T MAKE ANY BECAUSE WORD 3.0 HAS A SPELL CHECKER NOW! THIS HAS
BEEN A PULBIC NOTICE!!!!!
^Dpost
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 04:42:41 -0400
Subject: Re: Faces on Mars
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bruce Ediger) wrote:
>[email protected] (Ralph Jones) wrote:
>:Of course someone would have thought of it. Like light bulbs,
>:airplanes, Ohm’s Law...but if you want your name in the history books,
>:get there first. Sometimes you get a patent too.
rj
I mummified Polly and polished him to a high gloss, now he’s a patentoo.
>Somebody did think of all the things you mentioned first. For instance,
>that Russian guy was actually the first to fly. Some brit thought of
>the light bulb first. Except he called it a “valve”.
PLEASE STOP USING DIRTY WORDS FOR PARTS OF THE BODY. ESPECIALLY “VALVE”,
“UVULA”, AND “PANCREAS”.
>A classic example of “getting there first” is Leonhard Euler. There are
>so *many* science, engineering and mathematical stuff attributed to Euler,
>it’s hard to believe. Euler buckling, Euler’s circles, Euler angles, why
>he even built the Seven Bridges of Koenigsburg!
I WISH YOU’D STOP TALKING ABOUT SEASON THREE OF “SPACE: 1999”.
-- K.
Bananas!
In pyjamas!
Are covered with hairs!
This post consists of a feeeeeeeble pun and some fantasies about again being a
second-grader so I could say naughty things like “pancreas” to the girls.
So why did it make it into this year’s “best of ” book?
Because the three lines after “-- K.” made me laugh when I was editing the archive.
Nothing else from this month did.
Ha!
35
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:56:09 -0400
Subject: Re: Hell Warrior’s new name is KnightQuest!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
In alt.vampyres article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] (KnightQuest) wrote:
>Hi, ya gang! It’s me Hell Warrior, I’ve decided to change my name from
>now on I’m called KnightQuest!
>Goodbye my friends KnightQuest.
I tried to think of some way to insult the readers of alt.vampyres but I
can’t think of any. I mean, it’s not like they were stupid enough to spell
their group wrong or anything. I feel like crying because it’s just
impossible to make fun of those who are to us as we are to lentils, or
vice versa.
Now I must cheer myself up. (Kibo puts on a black three-cornered hat and a
red cape.) EX-cuse me FOR a momENT. (There is a flash of light and Kibo
disappears. He reappears on the bridge of the Enterprise. A fan parody is
in progress.)
PICARD: Hey, everybody, look, I am SO bald!
RIKER: Burrrrrrrp! (picks nose)
DATA: Duhhhhhhhh. (picks Riker’s nose)
PICARD: Data, stop that! This is a very witty parody, not your
run-of-the-mill one! I am in charge here because I have the French accent!
RIKER: Burrrrrrrrrrrrrp!
(ENTER KIBO, SINGING AND DANCING.)
KIBO: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal... (DISPPEARS)
PICARD: He ruined our witty yet reverent fan parody forever! Curse you,
Kibo!!!!!!!!
KIRK: He.... ruined.... our.... clever.... parody!!! BURRRRRPPP!!!!!
(KIBO REAPPEARS, AND YANKS OFF KIRK’S TOUPEE. HE GLUES IT TO PICARD’S HEAD.)
PICARD & KIRK (together): WAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
DATA: Duh, I are a loser! (returns to reading rec.arts.startrek.*)
-- K.
AND I ARE NOT A LOSER!!!!!
36
Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 05:55:25 -0400
Subject: Re: Disney Dwarves Mind Control Munckins!
Reposting something wonderful. Has Dopey been Dimaond-Slashed?
-- K.
In alt.usenet.kooks article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
(karl mamer) wrote:
>I think this guy might be serious...
>
>From: [email protected] (Allen Drugge)
>Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
>Subject: Microwave Checklist
>Date: 5 May 1996 10:13:31 GMT
>Lines: 87
>Message-ID: <[email protected]>
>
>
A LAYMAN’S CHECKLIST OF PHYSIOLOGICAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS
>
GENERATED BY MICRO-WAVE
>
>
The use of Micro-Wave to simulate biological, emotional or physio>logical responses has been subject of much research, almost all of it
>SECRET, conducted by a Govt. intent on using this newfound knowledge &
>technology to subvert and/or undermine perceived adversaries; thus ensuring
>their domination of the social order--for all time to come. What we are
>talking about here is nothing less than a grand attempt to reduce the human
>condition to nothing more than a Pavlovian stimulus/response entity. The
>variety of VERISIMILITUDES evoked by Micro-Wave is staggering and their
>uses against humans can only be considered as vile and evil extensions of
>a Govt. gone MAD. I present this list, though only partial I’m sure, in
>an attempt to alert the concerned citizenry to this modern HORROR and
>hopefully give any unsuspecting victims of such gross manipulation notice
>as to the possibility of Govt. meddling with their health.
>
Below, I list some of the simulations achievable and since many are
>subliminally incorporated into the mass culture/media I give some
>references to where that occurs--juxtaposed to the Micro-Wave symbols (“J”,
>”#” or the Diamond-Slash) or applicable buzzwords. There are literally
>thousands of such references, look for them. Keep in mind that the dwarfs
>in”Snow White,” with the exceptions of Doc are named after Micro-Wave
>simulation, to wit: Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Happy & Grumpy.
>
>
MICRO-WAVE VERISIMILITUDES
>
>RESPIRATORY
>
[ ] Constricted Breathing (“Take your breath away”-Berlin)
>
[ ] Asthma (“Hand that rocks the cradle”)
>
[ ] Coughing-mucous response
37
>
[ ] Sneezing (‘Sneezy’-Snow White)
>
[ ] Snoring
>EMOTIONAL
>
[ ] Crying (“Mystery to Me”-Fleetwod Mac; “Nasty Boys”; “Crying Game”,
>
“All in a Nights Work”; “Sharky’s Machine”)
>
[ ] Melancholy/Depression (‘Grumpy’-Snow White)
>
[ ] Panic Attacks (“Steal Your Face”-Grateful Dead)
>PHYSICAL
>
[ ] Fatigue/CFS
>
[ ] Heart Palpitations/attack (“Pals”,”Death Trap”,”F/X”)
>MENTAL
>
[ ] Sleep (Bogart-”They Drive By Night”;”Maltese Falcon,”etc.
>
“Sherlock Holmes & the Secret Weapon”;”Shane”;”Rebecca”,”Broken
>
Arrow”,”The General”,’Sleepy’-Snow White)
>
[ ] Insomnia (“Sleepless in Seattle”)
>
[ ] Headaches (“House of Usher”)
>
[ ] Shyness (‘Bashful’-Snow White)
>
[ ] Fuge/Memory Loss (‘Dopey’-Snow White)
>
[ ] Dizzyness (“Maltese Falcon”)
>
[ ] Fainting
>
[ ] Jitters
>
[ ] Perceptual distortion
>
[ ] Nightmares
>
[ ] Personality disintegration (“The Trouble with Harry”)
>G.I.
URINARY
>
[ ] Stomach cramps-Pain, Heartburm
[ ] Prostatitus-Sweating
>
[ ] Flatulence-(“Last action hero”)
(Sting Ray-the car;
>
[ ] Nausea/Puking (“Morning After”;
“The Hot Rock”)
>
“Kindergarden Cop”)
[ ] Kidney Pain
>
[ ] Diarrhea
[ ] Incontinence (“Flash
>SKIN
Dance”)
>
[ ] Sweating (“Broadcast News”)
SKELETAL
>
[ ] Tingling sensations, Goose bumps
[ ] Arthritis-Stiff
>
[ ] Hives (“They Came from within”)
joints
>
[ ] Zits
SEXUAL RESPONSE-FEMALE
>SEXUAL RESPONSE-MALE
[ ] Mucus response (“Honey
>
[ ] Stimulate (‘Pump you up’)
Dripper”)
>
[ ] Depress
(‘Micro-Soft’)
MUSCULAR
>MUCUS RESPONSES
[ ] Charlie horse (“Into
>
[ ] Watery Eyes
the Sun”
>
[ ] Runny nose (“Modern Problems”)
[ ] Low back pain (“Harry
>HEARING
& Son”
>
[ ] Deafness
[ ] Twitching/tics
>
[ ] Ear Ache
[ ] Yawning
>
[ ] Ringing Noise
[ ] Body Tremours
>
>
REMEMBER: J = RAY
>
or
# = RAY
>
>While these are only VERISIMILITUDE effects, be aware that Micro-Wave can
>be used for purposes of TORTURE or TORMENTATION unique to that technology.
38
>Used in conjunction with ELECTRONIC TELEPATHY or “ET” these technologies
>represent the greatest threat to an open society ruled by principles of
>equity and in fact are being utilized RIGHT NOW in a subversive war
>against lawful citizens of this county--the outcome of which will determine
>the fate of this civilization. The Negative Reinforcement Cult lives.
>
>
>->[email protected].................................................
>..Karl.Mamer,.President,.SOMWWTWTN..|.”I.dunno..Some.of.it’s ..
>....Society.Of.Men.Who.Watch.The....|..pretty.interesting.”....
>.....Women’s.Television.Network.....|...........--.Group.Moto..
>[email protected]
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Disturbing Event Of Recent Days #1
1996/04/25
<[email protected]>
Today I was in the drugstore. I stopped to buy some painkillers on may way
back from the dentist. During the rebuilding of my broken tooth, he
commented several times on how “This is a VERY INTERESTING TOOTH!” and how
it was the most difficult one he’d ever worked on. He also mentioned I had
atypical anatomy; in my big square manly jaw, one of the nerves is in an
unusual position. But that’s not the disturbing part.
I was walking down aisle #3 (English-language Shoebox Greetings cards,
which are completely different from Hallmark cards. Shoebox Greetings(R)
is a registered trademark of Hallmark Inc.) and the Muzak was playing
everyone’s least favorite Neil Diamond song from the early eighties:
“...turn on your hearrrrt liiiiight...”
A guy was hurrying up the aisle towards me with a pained look on his
face. Suddenly he barfed all over the floor, right in front of the
graduation cards.
“...turn on your hearrrrt liiiiight...”
Understandable.
-- K.
Disclaimer: This is the first time I’ve posted to a.r.k from this newsreader,
so if it wraps my lines wrong or anything, it’s not my fault, as I don’t need
to read the docs, it’s JUST A NEWSREADER!!!! It’s not like it’s the new alpha
of Mozilla that crashes even before you can send the mail about the bug.
39
There’s only one thing more disturbing than discovering how easily you can
weasel yourself into the credits of an actual motion picture. It’s when
the star goes insane mere weeks afterwards.
[Haven’t seen it--they may have magic-markered my name off the negatives,
anyway.]
-- K.
NEVER MET PICASSO.
Disturbing Event of Recent Days #2
1996/04/25
<[email protected]>
I don’t know about you, but I
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
P.S. The button for “I’m done typing the article, post it now” in this
newsreader looks like a radar dish that smells really bad. My favorite
button, however, is the toe tag, which automatically creates a selectfile
entry for replies to your article.
Curiously, the icon for invoking PGP is Gainsborough’s “The Blue Boy”.
Nice newsreader, just a shame the graphic design is wacky.
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 02:23:51 -0400
To: [email protected]
Subject: Disturbing Event of Future Days #3
INSTRUCTIONS
-----------1.) Go to your favorite Asian grocery store.
2.) Buy a little box of uncooked “shrimp chips”, which are those things
that look like pastel-colored pork rinds with none of the flavor but all
the grease. Before cooking, they look like Magic Rocks only flat.
3.) In a small saucepan, heat one and a half inches of canola oil over a
gas stove until it’s rather hot (little bubbles appear).
4.) Throw all the shrimp chips in--you’ve got five seconds, RUN!!!!!
5.) Post a photo to the net.
FOR EXTRA CREDIT:
Develop a “safety bean” that nobody would put in their ear because it is
covered with sharp spikes coated with deadly poison that tastes like
delicious candy.
-- K.
Well, if they eat it, they’re not putting it in their ears, DUH!!!
40
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
I had the DUMBEST DREAM last night!
1996/07/08
<[email protected]>
Last night I had a truly crap-doodle-tastic nightmare,
so stupid yet insipid that it resembled a Larry Buchanan
remake of “Tank Girl”.
Jeff Foxworthy came to visit, took a nap, and... died!!!
Well, it could have been worse, he could have been alive.
-- K.
YAEW KNAW YAEW MAY BE TAYLAYNTLESS IF...
do my dreams
frighten
you?
A few ye
ars
dream in before, I reporte
da
w
punched hich I was Presid disturbing
ou
en
me! I’m t as a little kid (“ t Bush being
the
Yo
days late President! Waah u can’t do this to
rb
!”
bludgeon y one in which I ), followed a few
ing a lib
was Har
rarian to
la
Complea
death wi n Ellison
t Ellison
th “The
”.
This one
wa
George B s more disturbin
g. (The
ush was
on
at least f
and the
ree comed e about
one abou
y
t Harlan
fun.)
Ellison w material,
as kind o
f
The wee
eee
this artic ird part is that th
le,
is
my news refused to go aw article, and only
ay.
ser
cancelled ver for about fou It hung around
r
it. (Thre
e times, f months until I
or good m
Photo © NBC. From www.nbc.com,
easure.)
the hippest site there is, except for every other site.
41
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 02:33:28 -0400
Subject: I spammed the whole net to advertise my game show appearance...
ALEX TREBEK: Welcome back to “Celebrity Duh!” Our only contestant, Kibo,
is still in the lead!
KIBO: Thank you, Alex, I’ll take “Potpourri” for $100.
ALEX: Two and two are three.
Two and two... are three.
KIBO: Two and two are three, duuuuuuuuuuuhhhh...
ALEX: Correct! Pick again!
KIBO: “Potpourri” for two hundred, Alex.
ALEX: Two and two are four.
Two and two... are four.
KIBO: Two and two are four. DU-UH!!!!
ALEX: Correct! Continue...
KIBO: “Potpourri” for ten billion, Alex.
ALEX: If Stephen Hawking were to read aloud the source code for Windows 95
and the fractal dimension of the resulting soundwave were multiplied by
the square root of a space-inverted tetrion subspace resonance pulse which
travelled from the USS Enterprise to Babylon 5, the number of atoms of
molybdenum in the universe would be the medallion number on this person’s taxi.
KIBO: ... duh?
ALEX: Correct! You get to drop the cow!
(KIBO pulls a large lever which destroys the Internet, causing the
typing-in of all lame comedy everywhere to
42
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
It’s like Yack Live, only dopey.
1996/08/09
<[email protected]>
This was on a Web page. Reminds me of line-mode CB simulators (remember
Compuserve’s circa 1983?) only not requiring as many smarts. Someone send
these folks info about the cAPS lOCK kEY and we shall witness a KNEW
GENARASHUN 0F BIFFZ !!!!!1
Hmm, the “post” button in my newsreader is still a picture of a melted
chess queen that smells bad.
-- K.
Welcome to our “Chat” forum. This
is all real time, so click the
“Submit/Reload” button below once
in a while to see how the discussion
is going.
John Viator
So... Is there anyone else here?
CYBERNAUT
First time here!
Monte’
Whats Up?
teddy
Where are these words going ??
[email protected]
Hello.
[email protected]
Hey! If someone clicks on this
page. Are you here ?? If so, do
you know where the job listings
went ???
Mike
43
Hey look at me I’m the only
one her Woo Hoo
Steve
Are you still here Mike?
Steve
Oh well, later!
Jahmal
Hello today is 8/3/96 round
about 11:30 a.m. in Akron,
Ohio. I’m just doing my usual
log in. Someone chat with me
soon.
SKYfalcon
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Floyd
Hey Gang.
SKYfalcon
time to pull the rip-cord ----0
Big Mama
Hey dudes...let’s party man!
METALLICA!!:)
So pathetic, it makes Tiny
Tim Cratchit look like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Or Arnold Schwarzenegger
look like Charles Dickens.
SKYfalcon
big mama is a mama’s boy lol ;)
3I’S
who is the attractive blonde?
Big Mama
chat, chat, chat
SKYfalcon
yawn.....
44
Big Mama
Sky: Your about as cool as they
get man! METALLICA!!!!>:-(>
RedHawk
Big likes to sore :)
Big Mama
cool dudes! Let’s party!
Guy who is unhappy
because he shot an
arrow into the air
and it came to earth
through his hair.
3I’S
Is that you big mama?
Big Mama
yack
Big Mama
booooo your all such a bore!
Metallica!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
SKYfalcon
too bad I couldn’t get it (the
mail) up ........LOL
3I’S
Where is all the fun?
Denny
Yes i am out hear
I do believe the page had a Web counter on it that
said “000052 intelligent people have visited this
page”, after I looked at it 52 times.
45
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:12:45 -0400
Subject: KIBO’S BAD STANDUP COMEDY
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.comedy.standup
(KIBO WALKS ONTO THE STAGE AND ADJUSTS THE MICROPHONE. HE IS WEARING A
BEIGE SUIT WITH A LOOSENED NECKTIE.)
KIBO: Hey, everybody, good to see you. You know, I went to the mall, got a
new pair of sunglasses-HECKLER: That’s not funny! You suck!
KIBO: They’re Shatnerproof, so now I can’t watch Star Trek.
HECKLER: You suck! Boo! Sit on it!
KIBO: Excuse me, but you look like your name might be... FRED!
(THE HECKLER HOLDS UP A PROFESSIONALLY-PRINTED BANNER WHICH SAYS “KIBO,
YOUR PUTDOWNS SUCK!” WHILE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS LEAVE.)
KIBO: Oh, and I suppose you had that printed up just in case I really do
use that one every day! Now, about my sunglasses...
HECKLER: Hey, pinhead, your fly’s open!
KIBO: No it isn’t!
(THE HECKLER HOLDS UP A LARGE MIRROR. KIBO’S FLY HAS BEEN OPEN THE WHOLE TIME.)
KIBO: Whoops! Please excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
(KIBO TURNS HIS BACK AND PULLS ON THE ZIPPER. HE SCREAMS AND SPINS AROUND
A FEW TIMES AS A LARGE RED STAIN SPREADS ACROSS HIS TROUSERS. HE ROLLS
AROUND ON THE FLOOR, SCREAMING AND CRYING. THIS CONTINUES FOR A WHILE...)
(MR. SPOCK ENTERS AND LOOKS AT KIBO, THEN AT THE AUDIENCE. HE THINKS FOR A
MOMENT AND GIVES KIBO A VULCAN NERVE PINCH, RENDERING HIM UNCONSCIOUS. HE
TURNS TO THE MICROPHONE AND BEGINS TO SING “THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS”
WITH A FRENCH ACCENT.)
SPOCK: Thank heaven... for little girls...
KIRK (entering): For little girls--for little girls, Spock!
(KIBO WAKES UP.)
(continued)
46
KIBO: Please helllp meeee loooook forrr the tiiiiip!!!!
(KIRK AND SPOCK LINK ARMS AND DANCE THE CAN-CAN WHILE KIBO BLEEDS TO
DEATH. THE NEXT ACT IS JOAN RIVERS.)
©
-- K.
P.S. ALL MY AWESOME COMEDY MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED!!!!!
Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 18:19:19 -0400
Subject: Re: Mission: Kibological (SPOILERS!!!!!)
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (E. Stephen
Mack) wrote:
>One more chance to hit “n” (or click on Next or whatever goofy
>newsreading function you have to do to go on to the next article):
I hear that on a Newton you have to hold the thing upside down and draw a “u”.
>I CANNOT BELIEVE that JIM PHELPS, a master spy for SEVERAL YEARS, if
>not DECADES, a HERO, a MASTER, an AMERICAN HERO, just decides one day
>that the end of the cold war has made him testy enough that he should
>WIPE OUT his WHOLE DAMN TEAM for SIX MILLION LOUSY BUCKS.
I would do the same, but not for six million lousy bucks--only if they were
SIX MILLION REALLY COOL BUCKS WITH MY OWN PICTURE ON THEM!!!!
>Okay, even ignoring the fact that Tom Cruise’s character was sending
>mail to “Max@Job 3:14” without getting bounce messages from Mail
>Daemons,
That’s because he had the preferences in his laptop set up wrong. The mail
was trying to bounce back to “Tom [email protected]” and not getting anywhere.
> let alone REPLIES to himself at “JOB@JOB”, and that he was
>using NETSCAPE 1.0 WITH THE DAMN THROBBING “N” to search through all of
Well, of COURSE. Netscape 2 or 3 would make his Powerbook 5300cs explode,
because Netscape hasn’t yet figured out how to write an application that’s
stable. Be glad at least he wasn’t using eWorld. (See, that’s why Apple
doesn’t let you use it any more--they took it away so that the entire IMF
could use it in secret, like the time they set up their headquarters in
the middle of the Tea Party tourist trap ship when they went to Boston.)
>Usenet for the word “job” without getting a SINGLE HIT, and that the
>”alt.bible.job” group apparently exists for the discussion of the book
47
>of job and, unlike other groups, LETS YOU POST UNDER CHAPTER AND
>VERSE...
Normally you have to stick to football games if your name is John 3:16.
Also remember that in real life, Tom Cruise’s Powerbook would never allow
him to type a colon: filenames would come out as “John 3-16” because the
colon is the directory separator.
>...and the guy who played Marcel from Pulp Fiction (Ving Rhames;
>
IHNJ,IJLS”Ving Rhames”) as Luther, the 3l33t H/\kk^r,
I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I bet you’re talking about a
crippled black genius wheelchair computer scientist. I’ve seen
every episode of “Viper” so I’m faintly familiar with cliches.
> ordered a
>
“prototype 686 with AI RISC technology” that he got to KEEP...
YEAH, WELL I HAVE A FAKE 686, WHICH IS EVEN BETTER THAN THE GENUINE ONE !!!!!!1
>...and that the word “disavowed” does not mean what they think
I heard “disemboweled”.
>,,,and that the CIA might get a little SUSPICIOUS of three
>
firemen running into a storage closet, knocking out a guard,
>
and not coming out for, oh, twenty minutes or so...
You don’t read alt.sex.fetish.rubber.coats.and.welly.boots, do you?
>
>
...... I just CANNOT buy that Jim Phelps would just
kill them all.
Why? After all, he turned into SATAN in one of the 1986 episodes! (I have
three on tape: the one where Jane Badler goes into space on the shuttle
but fortunately she’s taken her walkie-talkie along so Jim can talk her
down, and the one where they go to Boston to have Thaao Pengilis
brainwashed by the video wall, and the one where Peter Graves plays the
devil.)
>Oh well. Now I’ll just have to wait for them to ruin THE SAINT
>and other fine TV programs.
Yeah. They’ll probably bring it back with some guy other than Roger Moore.
Maybe they’ll get Ian Lazenby or Ian Hendry or even that darn Tim “I
helped Brooke Shields cause the S&L collapse with BCCI!” Dalton.
-- K.
[Just about the last thing BCCI did was to give widdle Brookie
a few gazillion dollars to rent dreamy Tim Dalton to play
dress-up with her in “Brenda Starr”.]
48
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 04:46:23 -0400
Subject: Re: No Place For Dreams (Was: Liberals: We only look dead)
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
>(Ben Weiner) wrote:
>
>> I thought it was denouncing killfiling people by email address as evil
>> techno-elitism, you know, killfiling *@aol.com or whatever. That’s
>> different. Only evil techno-weenies like Bruce Ediger do that,
>> because they know how to use regular expressions. It was part of the
>> article that mentioned email address as status symbol, right?
>
>Ah, that’s somewhat [...]
Oh, come on, nobody could possibly think of an email address as a status symbol.
[email protected]: WORLD STANDARDS COMMITTEE
WE’RE MAKING EVERYTHING THE SAME FOR THE BETTER!
ALSO MY SWORD IS TOO BIG TO SHOW HERE.
PLEASE EXCUSE THE DOUBLE SPACING BY MY AWESOME COMPUTER DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY.
IT HAS HOT-SWAPPABLE FANS!
LIKE ME.
-- K.
[email protected]: WORLD STANDARDS COMMITTEE
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 23:51:13 -0400
>[email protected] (Matthew J. McIrvin) writes:
>
>>Nevertheless, it’s stupid to criticize somebody else’s killfile parameters
>>for any reason, since nobody is morally obligated to read anybody else’s
>>posts on any subject.
49
I was about to suggest that Matt explain it to them, but then I realized
he was busy handing out leaflets in Harvard Square which explain that a
certain Rosicrucian organization stole its acronym from a Robin Williams
sitcom. And that PROVES they’re an offshoot of Adam Weishaupt’s KNIGHTS OF
COLUMBUS!!!!
I’ve said it before:
“Rusicrucians: Masonry by mail.”
>
>I wish someone could explain this to the administrators at Rutgers.
two hyphens, space, capital k, dot, CRLF, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap, crap, then eventually more good stuff followed by
another two hyphens, space, capital k, dot.
Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 02:24:27 -0400
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers
>Sometime in the past, I wrote:
>:>fitted with a skull wire and clothing computers at the MIT Co-op?
>
>[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) wrote:
>:You’d get beat up for saying “co hyphen op” around here. According to
>:their commercials, it’s a henhouse.
>
>Well, it’s hard to reproduce a diaresis in ASCII, no?
e
¨
It’s easy to get diaresis. Just eat lots of licorice. For a dieresis,
simply type the dieresis key, which is the umlaut key plus the “Any” key.
>Of course, it’s even harder to reproduce an umlaut.
>of all.
And a schau is hardest
Schaus make fine pets but they’re hard to paper-train. A schwa is easy to
make; the Atari ST has one at the end of every single file. Of course,
wherever the schwa (^Z) is, that’s the end of the file. FOREVER!!!!
>NOS ran on word-addressed CYBER processors which had 60-bit words. CDC
>saw fit to use a 6-bit encoding of ASCII that included only upper-case
>English letters. Oddly enough, they saw fit to squeeze both the diaresis
>*and* the umlaut into a highly limited character set.
>
>Does anybody know why this was?
Because you need them. To make colons and Charles Schulz’s castrated
ellipses. In landscape mode. DUHHH!!!!
50
Someday I’m going to mail Charles Schulz that third dot that screwed up my
sixth grade teacher’s attempt at a punctuation lesson. He grabbed a
“Peanuts” strip from the morning paper, apparently without reading it.
Panel two used an ASCII interrobang (“!?”) and panel three used an ellip
(“..”). This sort of screwed up his lesson plan.
-- K.
Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 02:25:30 -0400
>In article <[email protected]>,
>James “Kibo” Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>:Oh, come on, nobody could possibly think of an email address as a status
symbol.
>
>_Hah!_
>
>
>-- [email protected]
I dunno.
What’s so great about “.ca”?
All it means is you’re in CALIFORNIA.
-- [email protected]
FOR THE UNITIATED, .CA IS CANADA, AND WORLD.STD.COM IS A MACHINE
RUN BY SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, MY FAVORITE INTERNET SERVICE
PROVIDER (THE FIRST PUBLIC-ACCESS UNIX SITE EVER. SO THERE.)
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:42:44 -0400
Subject: ORBITZ!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.drinks.snapple,alt.drugs
I drink Orbitz and I love it! I love the
grape-and-coconut-clear-mustard-swirl flavor, and the
peanut-butter-and-tuna-cheese-slaw flavor, and the
pork-sung-and-crunchy-waterchestnut-drink flavor!
Also I love “Space: 1999” and everything they show on “E!”
-- K.
I WOULD BURP BUT I DRINK ORBITZ!!!!
!
ver
e
t
os
zp
t
firs
s
’
ibo
it
Orb
K
(Pork sung is a Chinese
breakfast food that looks like
beard hair from the floor of
an Irish barbershop.)
51
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Recipe for “CHOCOLATE ORGASM CAKE” is MakeMoneyFast
1996/06/02
<[email protected]>
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage,alt.religion.kibology
In alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage, [email protected] wrote:
>...so you might as well skip it...
Oh, darn. And this other article I downloaded called “MAKE MONEY FAST”
just turned out to be a recipe for Chocolate Orgasm Cake. Well, I’d better
get to work mailing out slices of this deliciously addictive cake for
fifty bucks each--over 50,000 people have already sent in their checks or
money orders to reserve their handful--I MEAN SLICE! NOT HANDFUL! I DON’T
REALLY GRAB EVERY SLICE AND SQUEEZE IT UNTIL THE GOOEY FROSTING GOES
BETWEEN MY FINGERS!!!!!
-- K.
P.S. This article contains an attached .ZIP file with
six hundred dirty, dirty pictures, but you need to be
using AOL’s CyberDog to see them.
Here are some pictures I downloaded. Zoom way in to see the XXXXXX-rated ones.
52
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
(Louis Nick III) wrote:
>>[apologies if you’ve already seen the (cancelled) copy of this I posted
>>earlier--the news server ate the only interesting sentence in my post.]
>
>The attribution, of course.
>
>>Yes, but they fired Catherina von Schell and hired back the original Barry
>>Morse to play the loveable android that everyone’s prejudiced against
>>because he doesn’t have a human heart, one of the most stupid plot devices
>>known to man. I mean, they’d never do an episode where the hero’s
>>personality is asserted to have been formed by his artificial heart on
>>Star Trek. In fact, nobody on Star Trek: TNG had an artificial heart, or
>>artificial eyes, or an artificial brain, or an artificial accent.
>
>Great Zeus, you ARE the one. That episode was on the syndicated run on
>the local FOX affiliate.
Astute readers will note that I like making fun of alt.tv.seaquest.
Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 02:45:27 -0400
Subject: Re: seaQuest Funpoll
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.louis-nick
What do the O and X stand for in FOX?
>I had to watch it, because the hour-long Seinfeld and ER were canceled
>because of a lame, weak earthquake we had at 9:04. The thing was so weakl
>that I couldn’t feel it while I was waalking. We had a stronger one last
>year, but I was sitting watching _Striking Distance_ starring Bruce Willis
>as a Philadelphia river cop and Truman Bradley as Boris Yeltsin.
Could be worse. Could be Michael Rennie as Michael O’Hare as Truman
Bradley in “Cyborg 2067 5 Theatre”.
>>The pilot episode for “Space: 1999: Year 3: The Star Of Science
>>Television”, by the way, aired on TV in Canada as “The Shape Of Things To
>>Come” by Harlan Ellison. I liked where Jack Palance got embarassed because
>>his hat was bigger than Barry Morse’s whole body.
>>
>>Matt McIrvin will now untangle the metarefs.
>
>Matt’s got quite a job ahead of him.
Yes, and if he doesn’t do it, you folks should mailbomb him with ten
billion copies of the list of “Worse Baby Bell Names Than ‘SNET’.”
>>Nor did they have Gypsy driving around in a cool car filled with hundreds
>>of ventriloquist dummies shaped like Leslie Nielsen.
>>
>>MAAAAAATT!
53
>
>Wait, I think I got part of that one. Of course, I also just got a joke
>from the Philadelphia Experimentos ][: You Missed A Spot.
It was a reference to an episode of “Voyage To The Bottom of The Sea” in
which Vincent Price took over the seaQuest with a bunch of killer
ventriloquist dummies that could teleport around the ship by going
“bwoinggggg!” like everything magical did on Irwin Allen’s shows. I don’t
think the part about “Gypsy”, whoever he is, means anything. Maybe it’s a
reference to Yul Brynner’s dad.
WHAM! BAM! JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME SAYS YUL BRYNNER TIL YOU PUKE!
>>>You need *inspiration* to achieve that singular level of badness, and
>>>O’Bannon couldn’t have done it without the shoulders of the Giants Of
>>>Badness to stand upon.
>>
>>Oh, come on, he’s talented. After all, he wrote “Alien” and “Total
>>Recall”, and he drew that cool crosshair that shows up in the “Star Wars”
>>arcade game from Atari Games Corp. Really, I read it in Forrest Ackerman’s
>>”Cinefexplosiomonsterminationucleartpuckythemousebeaver”.
>>
>>MAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!
>
>I thought Peirs Anthony wrote those, kind of on the tale end of his fame
>for the Lord of the Rings dekology he wrote.
That was Wendayne Anthony, co-star of “Space:1999” and “Mission:
Impossible”, about the evil Dr. IMF and his time-traveling police box that
says the seven dirty words you can’t say in front of George Carlin, noted
hippy-dippy weatherman.
>>Did you know they’re brining back seaQuest as a big-budget movie starring
>>Paul Hogan? You can even buy scuba gear with the name of the show printed
>>right on it to show your support for this fine global multimedia
>>entertainment franchise.
>
>I saw the trailer. They have a movie webpage at
>
>http://www.netcom.com/~rscheider/badcareermove.htm
>
>But I think it’s an unofficial site.
Funny, when I connect there, there must be some malfunction--all I see is
a full-page JPG of some hairy ham pressed against a scanner. Does Scheider
have a “Peter Hyams Is A Bozo” tattoo on his butt?
>>>Lonnie Henderson. Unlike the other three, *SHE* works out.
>>
>>But Roddy McDowall was the best of the three actors who played Dr. Smith.
>>
>>MAAAAATT!!!!
54
NO! It was a reference to Roddy McDowall’s _fake_ Dr. Smith on “The
Fantastic Journey”, a TV series starring Jared Martin whose pilot film was
title “Lost In Time”. Yes, it’s a ripoff of an Irwin Allen show. That’s so
pathetic you’d guess Fred Olen Ray might rip it off.
>>>>10. If Krieg and Piccolo were locked in a room together, who’d be killed
>>Piccolo would simply be replaced by one of Dom DeLuise’s other seven kids,
>>unless they’re all busy making Ezio Greggio’s “Silence Of The Hams II”. I
>>plan to film a parody of Ezio Greggo’s wacky “Silence of the Hams” called
>>”Squeezio Greaso’s ‘Duh Look At Me I’m So Stupid’” but I don’t think
>>anyone will get the joke. Also where can I buy a t-shirt which says “JOE
>>DEE FOSTAR” that will fit Slappy White?
>
>MAAAAAATT!!!11!
>
>>Michael Ironside, so that I could attach a Silly Straw from the hole in
>>his forehead to the hole in Michael O’Hare’s forehead and cause Commander
>>Riker great confusion. MAAAAAATT!!!!!
>
>Okay, Kibo, slow down, I understood 100% of that, and I’m not prepared to
>explain it at all.
Hint: In the future Dom DeLuise will have to live in a plastic bubble,
because of the fumes--otherwise we’d all suffocate. Also his wife is
gradually getting younger because she’s eating rat poison while everyone
plays volleyball IN THE FUTURE!!!!!
>>I think I’d pick Claudia Christian. After all, if I could read minds, I
>>wouldn’t be limited to the people in the same fictional universe. I could
>>go touch Claudia Christian’s sexy brain. You know, the star of “Space
>>Rangers”.
>
>Okay, K., you’re teh resident expert on bad sci-fi. What ever happened in
>the end of the pilot movie of “Earthstar Voyager” and why didn’t any
>network beg to pick up such a wonderful show?
Ask Lee Goldberg (creator of “Cheers” and “Family Matters”) over on
alt.tv.seaquest; he’s the ultimate source of information on unsold pilot
films. I would look it up in the big green book he wrote except I don’t
know where it is. Tell him to post a copy of it to the net.
>>>>19. The one character you wouldn’t mind doing mouth-to-mouth recitation on:
>>
>>Claudia Christian. Except I wouldn’t give Ed Harris’s big “YOU’VE NEVER
>>GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE SO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE!!!!!” speech.
>>Did you know he once starred in a movie where he drove a talking black
>>Trans Am and whipped himself silly? MAAAAAAAAATT!!!!
In this post, I made about 2,000 sub-references to pop culture, mostly to bad science fiction television shows. You’re expected to know the
difference between Rockne O’Bannon and Dan O’Bannon, and you have to know why Wendayne Ackerman can’t write her way out of a
wet alt.startrek.creative, and why Arnold Schwarzenegger was a knockoff of Michael Rennie in “The Terminator”. And stuff. Send email
to [email protected] with any questions about this stuff.
>
>Stand back, everyone. Kibo is refering to Dr. Zachary Smith, the man that
>was discovered hiding in the robot suit after tearing out all the wiring
>from Robot in “Lost in Space.”
55
>
>I think we’ve all been in that movie.
Yeah, it was Peter Benchley’s worst work since NBC’s mini-series, “The
Beast Master”.
>>>>23. Cheesiest Monster that other B-Movie Monsters would laugh at (Neptune
>>>>(2), Man Eating Plants (2), Giant Prehistoric Crocodile (2), etc.):
>>>
>>>Killer seaweed.
>>
>>It wasn’t trying to kill them. It was just trying to SURVIVE. It had a
>>perfect right!!!!
>
>The worst monster was Tim Russ, in that Lucas-Finally-Meets-Geeks-His-Age
>episode. The future without HappyNet? HA!
Lucas is NOT a geek! Tim Meadows was the geeky dweeb, because of his
shirt. Lucas is a VOMITROCIOUS SPAZDORKOID. Apologies to Roald Dahl.
>>>>Off to build an ark for the flood.
>>
>>a.r.k’s already been built on just this sort of quality Usenet content.
>>
>>Okay, I’ll volunteer to syndicate seaQuest. I’ll put it on my network
>>right after “Supertrain”, NBC’s other embarassment. You know, after
>>”Supertrain” aired, NBC never, ever, ever again used the word “supertrain”
>>in any of its commercials, ever.
>
>Come on. The show wasn’t bad. I think that PAtrick Stewart and Pierce
>Brosnan just didn’t want to turn it into daily job. What are we doing
>today, Patrick? Defusing the nuke on the train with the GNN camera,
>Pierce.
I like Pierce Brosnan on that show where he plays the wacky immigrant from
the country where everyone acts stupid all the time and always hugs Cousin
Larry at the end of every episode:
LARRY: I’m sorry, Balki, I promise NEVER TO LIE EVER AGAIN. Are we still
friends?
BALKI: Bibi da! Tenk you veddy much! Of course we are, cousin, don’t be
ree-dick-u-louse. Get out of the city! Now we do the dance of doy!
BOTH: (grinding their knuckles into their foreheads) DOY! DOY! DOY! DOY!
DOY! DOY! DOY! DOY! UHHHHHH... WHUH?
>Have your read _Dry Bones_ yet?
No. Have you read Daniel Pinkwater’s collection of tattooed baloney slices
stapled to Roy Scheider yet?
56
>->”If an atomic-powered taxi hit an atomic-powered streetcar at Forty-second
>and Lex, it could completely destroy the whole Grand Central area.”
>
John W. Campbell Jr.
Except he changed the street names to Scottish ones before printing that.
Also he added the part where the nightfall happened and David Birney got
laid. WOO HOO! “Nightfall”, the greatest X-rated film ever!!!
-- K.
Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 03:33:00 -0400
Organization: Kibo’s DEC Gamma 350
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers
>(James ”Kibo” Parry) wrote:
>
>> [apologies if you’ve already seen the (cancelled) copy of this I posted
>> earlier--the news server ate the only interesting sentence in my post.]
>
>Your post was CANCELLED???? I thought it was just on HIATUS!
It was a HIATUS HERNIA (electric organ music sting). Doctor, will I ever
be able to play the piano while watching a new episode of seaQuest DSV
again?
>> The pilot episode for “Space: 1999: Year 3: The Star Of Science
>> Television”, by the way, aired on TV in Canada as “The Shape Of Things To
>> Come” by Harlan Ellison. I liked where Jack Palance got embarassed because
>> his hat was bigger than Barry Morse’s whole body.
>>
>> Matt McIrvin will now untangle the metarefs.
>
>What metarefs? None of this is true! I think he’s MAKING STUFF UP! This
>is actually a sly, convoluted reference to seaQuest DSV episode II-39a
>(i), “The Thing of Shapes to Come,” in which special guests Harlan Ellison
>and Yul Brynner play unstoppable killer robots sent through time from 1945
>using the Trinity Site explosion, because they have to tell the seaQuest
>to go back to 1941 through a “silver hole” and warn everyone about Pearl
>Harbor, only they’re really Nazi killer robots that don’t want the US to
>enter the war and they change history (because the steam-powered hologram,
>affectionately named “Blank Reg,” tells them where the backup bridge is),
>and Lucas has to steal Garrett Graham’s Stealth bomber and ride on a giant
57
>tumbling time cookie with Darwin. And then Bob Ballard tells you to write
>in if you know the ending, because the story involves... THE TIME ELEMENT.
HERE MATT THINKS
HE’S DESI ARNAZ.
You misspelled “Jeffrey Jones”.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>
>I
Nor did they have Gypsy driving around in a cool car filled with hundreds
of ventriloquist dummies shaped like Leslie Nielsen.
MAAAAAATT!
refuse to explain this one.
Too bad.
Too
bad.
Really too bad.
I’ll give you a hint. Two words: Panty Cat.
>> Oh, come on, he’s talented. After all, he wrote “Alien” and “Total
>> Recall”, and he drew that cool crosshair that shows up in the “Star Wars”
>> arcade game from Atari Games Corp. Really, I read it in Forrest Ackerman’s
>> “Cinefexplosiomonsterminationucleartpuckythemousebeaver”.
>>
>> MAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!
>
>This is the firstime I ever heard of Rocknedanobannon’s appearance in
>Forrackerman’s magabookatronifiction. But I suspect you’referring
>obliquely to the only seaQuepisode written by Stanislaw Lem, “The
>Invincible Krill,” in which secret jeangenetexperiments create a race of
>microbotoscopic metal krill that attack the seaQuest’s bio-armor with a
>biocatalytic stream of neutrinos that resurrects the ghost of Bridger’s
>dead wife and creates an evil simulation of Bridger’s brain that they trap
>in the Aviary That Neighed, preventing a selenoclasm triggered by a
>luminal supercomputer of the 40th binasty at the Highest Possible Level of
>Development. It was translated from the original Kirghiz by Ackerman’s
>wife Wendy Lou with the help of a team of 56 sweatshop workers, a deranged
>ex-astronaut, and a wind-up robot named Roderick.
This leads to a scene where Roddy McDowall releases himself.
>
The people of the world
>must band together to prevent the outrage of people writing stories about
>krill! How finny ‘tis beneath the waves.
>
>> But Roddy McDowall was the best of the three actors who played Dr. Smith.
>>
>> MAAAAATT!!!!
>
>You’re confusing “Lassie” with Ivan Tors’ heartwarming dolphin show,
>”Science Fiction Theater.” That show was fiction. It did not happen.
>Could it have happened? Scientists are working even today to find out.
Matt, they FINISHED LAST YEAR. They MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED THE
POSSIBILITY THAT WE WILL EVER AGAIN HAVE TELEVISION. Get OVER it.
58
>> Michael Ironside, so that I could attach a Silly Straw from the hole in
>> his forehead to the hole in Michael O’Hare’s forehead and cause Commander
>> Riker great confusion. MAAAAAATT!!!!!
>
Darwin
>It’s a little-known fact that Michael Ironside, Michael O’Hare, and
scared!
>Jonathan Frakes were conjoined identical triplets. After separation,
Writers bad!
>they were known as the “Miracle Babies of Pocatello.” Since then,
>they’ve had a deep psychic rapport, which convinced O’Hare that he had
>a hole in his mind, Frakes that he needed to explore the Paranormal
>Borderline, and Ironside that his head was detachable and would fly
>off at the slightest touch with the help of an actuating piston. The
>deep feeling of isolation that the separation caused in Ironside also
>engendered the phrase “There can be only one!”
I hear that in next week’s episode a Transporter accident
merges Bridger and Darwin into Bridwin95, a talking dolphin
who keeps calling the writers idiots.
>> That mean ol’ President Clinton for invading that other country during the
>> two-hour premiere episode because he knew we’d all be tuned in that night.
>
>Just like Nixon used to give the State of the Union address from the
>set of “Rowan Atkinson’s Bean-In.”
>> Claudia Christian. Except I wouldn’t give Ed Harris’s big “YOU’VE NEVER
>> GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE SO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE!!!!!” speech.
>> Did you know he once starred in a movie where he drove a talking black
>> Trans Am and whipped himself silly? MAAAAAAAAATT!!!!
>
>”Kitt, I Think we’re Trapped under 200 Tons of Cosmetic Lava! The Coastal
>Cities must be Flooded in the Extra Long Version to create a Born-Again
>Earth! Failure is not an option! No boom today! Boom tomorrow!”
You missed my point. I was alluding to the fact that Ed Bishop changed his
name to Ed Harris after he did that puppet show for that British guy,
Stanley Kubrick.
(This is obviously a troll because all UFO and Captain Scarlet fans know
that Ed Bishop could not ever have had a role in ‘2001’, the first movie
to actually be filmed outside our galaxy.)
>”Michael, if we charge $25 admission to King Richard’s Faire and then beg
>for tips, maybe we can buy the day-care center back from the evil
>landlord!”
>
>Next week on JAG:seaQuest, The Next Generation! 34% new footage!
(Ed Harris rode a motorcycle, whipped himself, and generally acted
like a jerk in George A. Romero’s embarrasing “Knight Riders”.)
That wasn’t Nixon. It was his dog, Chimpie.
What I like about JAG and JAG II is the way the file has four
times the original resolution after I double-click on the
little cheetah. <--- (DON’T LOOK AT THE RAY DREAM INCORPORATED PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!)
59
>> When Lucas smashed the sticks that powered the giant cardboard computer
>> that he was madly in love with after it caused them to change the future
>> which destroyed the past because they had gone through the underwater
>> black hole to a world where giant robots have destroyed civilization
>> because people used virtual reality instead of having sex. Matt will
>> present a certificate of authenticity that this was an actual episode.
>
>In[4]:= PrimeQCertificate[23985493919990351]
>
>Out[4]:= {43523, 67, {32321, 2, 3, {47}}, {7, {{{3, 2, 3}, 3, 2, 5}}, 5},
>
644, 3, 3, 721}}}}}}}}}}, 3, 2}}}, 2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
>
>THIS IS THE MOST OBSCURE JOKE IN THIS WHOLE POST.
Do the math!
Stop using wimpy programming languages and move up to something with POWER:
Pong(R) Game
(Ball & Paddle)
1
2
3
4
5
Hor1 <- Hor1 + Key
Hor2 <- Hor2 + 8
Ver2 <- Ver2 - 3
If Hit Then Ver 2 <- 99, Note <Goto 1
Actual program from the
Atari 2600 BASIC manual.
7
The first person to port this to the BeBox will win a special prize. (It
should be easy: each of the two processors can control one of the only two
pixels in the graphics window.) As to what OS this was originally written
for, I’ll just mention that to program in BASIC, you had to unplug the
joystick to plug in the twelve-button keypad. It could store up to nine
lines of code.
-- K.
P.S. I’m posting this through Game*Line,
with the joystick.
Game*Line, an on-line service that
used the Atari 2600 as an input
device, is now known as AOL. Really.
Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 05:37:23 -0400
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers,alt.fan.mts
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (IAN YOUNG) wrote:
>
>I’ve been involved in many porting projects. I’ve ported WINE to Sherry,
Not the Wimpy Inactive Notworking Environment! Give me back my MTS D6.0!
60
>Port to Rum, and Rum to BayWatch. I’ve ported Linux to a slide rule,
>my slide rule to my pocketknife, and a spoon to my XT. I’ve voted
>Republican in every German election since 1537. I’ve even compiled a list
>of women least likely to understand TeX. So swatch out. I might just
>reinvent the wheel!
Yes, but did you know that seaQuest got on the air solely because its
producer/creator, George Lucas, wrote a business letter in TeX, which
caused all the studio executives to misread \subscript as shorthand for
“This is a script about a really cool sub, now give me a billion
dollars.”? INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE!!!
-- K.
ASTOUNDING
BUT TRUE!
POTSIE DIRECTED
SOME OF THE
WORST EPISODES
OF SEAQUEST!
P.S. In Year 4, the seaQuest was to have been commanded by Admiral Tony
Randall, and the title would have changed to “Sub-A-Dub-Dub” or “Hello
Down There”. Jack Klugman would have been the voice of the magical talking
dolphin, and would have been the best friend of that locust guy, Zorak.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: SeaQuest items in memorabilia auction!
1996/05/19
<[email protected]>
alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity,rec.arts.sf.tv
In alt.tv.seaquest article
<[email protected]>, William Knowles
>Profiles in History, (800) 942-8856 is holding their
>second Collectors Ranson auction June 1-2 and in the
>auction catalog are about five items
It’s hard to tell how many there are. Just like it was hard to tell which
was the best episode.
> from SeaQuest
>& a bunch from Earth 2 for sale. The SeaQuest items
>look mainly from the first season.
>
>
>Item 597 - Prop Bomb
>
>This black painted canister has a detachable top and
>mock L.E.D. lights, Used extensively throughout the
>second and third seasons.
Yep, it’s that bomb that they kept defusing every week. You’d think
eventually they’d realize that the countdown was painted on and would
61
never get to zero!
I have a recipe somewhere for Mock L.E.D. Light Pie.
>$300-500
Of course, if the L.E.D.s were real, that would drive the value of this
gorgeous prop up to $301-501.
Anyone who bids more than $500 for this item will be shown the door and
given a free trip somewhere very special, where Roy Scheider promises to
visit you in person when you’re all better.
>Item 604 - Roy Scheider SeaQuest Costume
>
>Bridger’s one piece black jumpsuit and mock turtle-neck
>accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity and a
>Polaroid of Scheider wearing the costume.
Always remember, turlenecks and L.E.D.s are expensive. I bet it’s also a
mock Polaroid of a mock Roy Scheider!
>$600-800
Or, if they called it “a faux turtleneck”, they could get twice that.
>Item 605 - Michael York SeaQuest Costume
>
>President Alexander Bourne’s two-piece black and grey
>pinstriped jacket (double breasted) with attached
>enamaled “Macronesian” pin attached to lepal, Jacket
>has a Donna Karan New York label with a pair of
Donna Karan, official fashion designer to top fascist dictators who
destroy coastlines with underwater lasers! Man, that must have really
helped her career! Sort of like when the guy playing the dumb rapist in
“Supergirl” wore an “A&W” t-shirt.
>matching pleated pants, and a Polaroid of York in
>the costume with a Certificate of Authenticity
>The costume was used in the third season
>
>$600-800
Or, if Michael York is included, $200-$300.
>Item 606 - SeaQuest DSV uniform
The actual uniform that the submarine itself wore.
62
>The standard uniform for the members of the SeaQuest
>A dark blue jumpsuit with the UEO patches intact
>
>$600-800
Of course, without mention of a Certificate of Authenticity, it’s probably
just one of those COUNTERFEIT SEAQUEST UNIFORMS sold at K-Mart!
>Item 607 - Earth 2 & SeaQuest backpack and uniform
>
>Used both in Earth 2 and in SeaQuest, A four piece
>costume consisting of a resin and plastic backpack
>(With electrical working light and simulated solar
>panel mounted to the top)
Warning: do not expose simulated solar panel to sun.
>
>working mini-computer.
woven black straps with
Which was used to do all the seaQuest year 2 special effects!
>
Also comes with an original
>SeaQuest three-piece army uniform consisting of an
>olive green shirt, matching pants and sweater.
>
>$600-800
Remember, $800 is terribly overpriced. It’s a bargain at $600.
>I belive the auction catalog sells for $15.00,
>and Profiles in History can be reached at:
>
>Profiles in History 1-800-942-8856
ALSO YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DRINK COCA-COLA ALL THE TIME. COCA-COLA IS THE BEST
THING EVER INVENTED AND EVERYONE SHOULD DRINK IT ALL THE TIME BECAUSE ALL
COOL PEOPLE ALWAYS DO. COCA-COLA: IT’S THE REAL THING.
AND ALSO REMEMBER TO ALWAYS WATCH NBC, YOUR SOURCE OF INNOVATIVE
ENTERTAINMENT. NBC IS PROUD TO BE AMERICA’S FAVORITE NETWORK! NBC, AND ITS
PARENT COMPANY, GENERAL ELECTRIC: WE’RE BRINGING GOOD THINGS... TO YOU!
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 1-976-HOTT-SEXX ____NOW____ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>If you are a fan of Hollywood and would like to buy
>some of the props from some of your favourite movies,
>Then this is the auction for you.
And if you’re one of those fans of Hollywood who doesn’t want to buy the
actual cup Kevin Costner drank urine out of in “Waterworld”, well, then,
63
you’re just not a very good person! Everyone loves Hollywood! HOLLYWOOD:
YOUR BEST AND ONLY FRIEND!
>Please do not contact me about this auction, I do not
>work for this company.
Please don’t contact me about that auction either, but I think everyone
here should be told about the following incredible offer:
THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE -- ACTUALLY USED IN ALL ODD-NUMBERED STAR TREK MOVIES!
A STEAL AT ONLY $10,000,000 TO $10,000,200!
FOR FULL DETAILS PLEASE POST TO THIS NEWSGROUP BECUASE I DON’T HAVE
ANY ACCOUNTS ON THE INTERNET!
-- K.
P.S.: I have the Picard action figure with the
number “0000001” printed on its foot! I WIN!!!
If you have the real “00000001” Picard, please
write me. I want to find out how many there are.
Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 17:55:58 -0400
Subject: STARTLING PROOF!
I went to the hospital recently, and the neurologist says there’s “no
chance” that I have a brain tumor. I even have a piece of paper that
proves it!
Therefore, I thought I’d share with you some of the fun neurological tests
you, too, may someday undergo if your head just starts hurting for days at
a time for NO GOOD REASON.
1.) “What’s today’s date? Who’s the current Vice President?”
These questions test your internal clock battery (a new lithium button
battery should be inserted into the umbilical scar every five years) as
well as your ability to remember people who are boring.
2.) “I’m going to ask you to remember three things. Chicago. Rocking
chair. Cadillac.”
This is to test the “_” _ell of your brain. Should you experien_e a
_omplete loss of “_” _apa_ity, it _ould be the result of _erebral
_ontusions, or maybe _ontagious _ooties.
64
3.) “What is 51 divided by 3?”
This is to make sure you don’t have an old Pentium. As someone who learned
to program on an Atari 400, I said “16.998” after about half an hour.
4.) “A lion was killed by a tiger. Who died?”
If your punctuation cell has popped, you’ll say “Both, because the lion
was killed by a tiger who died. That tiger was TAINTED!!!!”
5.) Then you’ll get a bunch of tests where he tickles your feet, shines
lights into your eyes, and makes you walk heel-toe to the squad car. I
can’t think of anything funny about these tests as any BABY could do them.
-- K.
P.S. If anyone knows the correct answer to #3, please post it.
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 05:28:49 -0400
Subject: Re: Useful Alumni Contacts (was Re: MOVIE REVIEW: Fargo)
[email protected] (Matt McIrvin) wrote:
>(Ben Weiner) wrote:
>
>> P.P.P.S. I knew Michele Tepper (or rather, the Faux Michele Tepper)
>>
couldn’t be the Unabomber, because even if she deliberately wrote
>>
the Unabomber Manifesto badly, she wouldn’t have been able to write
>>
it without saying “problematic” at least once. Or “discourse.”
>>
Or “text,” for cripes’ sake. Or “Ideological State Apparatuses.”
>
>Are you enjoying the latest spate of newspaper op-eds about how, while the
>Unabomber’s methods are deplorable, the ideas in his manifesto are
>coherent, well-argued and worthy of consideration? Every time another one
>of those comes out, I want to buy Kevlar underwear.
As Gharlane has probably told you, Kevlar underwear would probably not
protect you very well from firearms, unless it was thicker than normal
underwear and you had some padding under it. You should have a thick
Kevlar bubble surrounding your entire body but not touching it at any
point. Also, it should be filled with babies so that you could put up
multiple “BABY ON BOARD” signs to further protect yourself.
>(The FBI found a book in Kaczynski’s cabin that they identified as
>”Basimov’s Guide to the Bible.” I have a feeling that Bisaac Basimov,
>were he alive, would have a thing or two to say about the Unabomber’s
>thesis that preindustrial society was *more* egalitarian.)
65
You spelly Bialy Bisymptote Basheevis Binger wrong.
>Matt McIrvin
Indent-o-Meter goes here, when I’m using trn.
>Instead, you get a free URL.
http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
It’s not free! It costs you a penny every time I look at it fifty
thousand times!
-- K.
P.S. “Unabom” spelled backwards is “banana”. Note
that I put the period outside the quotes because I can.
Dr. Asimov said people sometimes confused him with Isaac Bashevis Singer. In one of his science fiction
stories, he referred to one of his ideas as having been discovered back in the 20th century by one “Azimuth
or Asymptote”. He never mentioned “Sir” Isaac Babson of the Gravity Research Institute.
I have now explained the joke, which makes it obvious that there was no joke. Therefore this explanation
does not exist, therefore the joke was easy to understand, except that it was impossible to find.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: WATCHING TV INSTEAD OF BEING THE LIVE
1996/07/10
<[email protected]>
[email protected] (Andrew Wing) wrote:
>[ Author was joly ([email protected]) ]
>[ Posted on Wed, 03 Jul 1996 06:28:13 GMT ]
>
>WATCHING TV INSTEAD OF BEING THE LIVE
>IN GENERAL,PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO BE IN THE LIVE TO HEAR THE TRUTH
>VOICE,IN FACT, THE DISTANCE FROM WHERE YOU SIT WOULD INFLUENCE THE
>NATURE OF VOICE.
Mr. Dr. Wing,
I’d just like to say I couldn’t find anything nearly this entertaining on
the net today.
You WIN!
-- K.
Very few people can find bigger bozos than Kibo.
can.
66
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Re: Why Heavy Metal Rules!!!!!!!!!
1996/05/05
<[email protected]>
alt.guitar,alt.music.ozzy,alt.rock-N-Roll.metal,alt.religion.kibology
alt.sex.fetish.startrek,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex,alt.fan.warlord
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Pat Rahikainen) wrote:
>>But you want to know where I heard all these facts? some guy who sits
>>behind my in my high school civics class. He’s the one that told me that
>>Ozzy used to rip his own head off at concerts and throw it into the crowd
>>and bite off their fingers. And then he’d piss all over the THIRD row
>>with PRECISION accuracy.
>
>Now THAT I wouldve paid GOOD money to see. Do me a favor and ask the
>guy how he managed it. No, better not. It might confuse him if you
>asked him to think.
Oh, I can top that, easy. You see, Oozy (the name “Ozzy” on his birth
certificate is a typo) actually sats behind me every day in my junior high
school metal shop class last semester. Every day, he bit the head off a
baseball bat. Then the was expelled, and given the chair, for going
through the lunch line before deciding he didn’t want the Salisbury Loaf
that day. Whoops, I just remembered this story sucks. But blame that on my
very bestest personal friend, Oozy Oozborne.
The very same day he founded the greatest heavy metal band ever, Air Supply.
-- K.
I can prove his name really is Oozy Oozborne: ask Paul McCartney.
I think the first typo was intentional, but not the second one.
STOP.
DO NOT GO ON TO THE NEXT PAGE UNTIL YOUR TEACHER TELLS YOU TO GO ON TO THE NEXT PAGE.
IT CONTAINS MORE DIRTY PICTURES. WELL, OKAY, I ADMIT IT, I REALLY JUST WANT TO SEE
HOW LONG I CAN MAKE YOU STARE AT THIS PHOTO OF BUCKY LEWIS'S SIDEKICK, JIMMY HAYES.
67
Pornogarphy
I found these on the Web. (Duh, what do you think,
I found them in my refrigerator?) If you took any of
these photos and would like a credit, please let me
know so I can add you to my e-mail spam list.
68
Newsgroups: news.groups,news.admin.misc,news.admin.censorship,news.admin.netabuse.misc,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: (Q) What can be done about an unreasonable moderator?
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 10:46:16 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (David Bromage) wrote:
>Jim Griffith ([email protected]) wrote:
>>[email protected] (Dave Hayes) writes:
>>
>>>[email protected] (Peter da Silva) writes:
>>>> Then *do* it. Usenet is like the Klingon High Council.
>>
>>>See? I told you there was a Cabal out there.
>>
>>Nononono. See, in actuality, USENET is like the KHC.
>
>I always used the analogy that Usenet was a loose confederation of warring
>tribes.
Usenet is a little bird sitting in a tree.
Usenet is a bunch of pretty flowers that smell BAD.
Usenet is a green golfball that someone’s cut open to see if
they’re really filled with horrible acid. It wasn’t.
Usenet is William Shatner and Ross Perot trading places after
being hit by lightning.
Usenet is like a tar pit except it’s filled with Hershey’s syrup.
Usenet has red hair at the sides and none on top.
big shoes. Usenet honks at people.
Usenet wears
Usenet is sans-serif but oblique.
Usenet’s secret ingredient is the fact that it doesn’t have a
secret ingredient. Usenet contains no Spam. Usenet is an ingredient
*of* Spam.
Usenet comes in economy packs... at fifty bucks each.
Usenet is void where prohibited.
Usenet is an orgy in jail.
Yeah, I know, I wrote this years ago.
But it’s never been printed in the
*1996* alt.religion.kibology
anthology before, so it counts as new
to you, OK?
Usenet is a handful of Goldfish crackers with eyes.
69
Usenet is Frosty the Snowman comitting suicide with a
flamethrower.
Usenet is a fish living in a glass house.
Usenet is the exploding window in the “Twilight Zone” title
sequence. Usenet is a dimension of sight, of sound, of smell.
Usenet asks no questions, but gets many answers; Usenet is the
biggest pencil in the world. Usenet is a sword whose blade is in
Schenectady and whose handle is everywhere.
Usenet is named Fred, or Dylan, or Janice, or Spot.
sterile. Usenet takes pills.
Usenet is
Usenet moves at the speed of dark.
USENET IS NEVER CRYPTIC.
Usenet is a warm puppy.
Usenet is a microwave hair dryer.
Usenet is the puff of air that escapes as you seal Tupperware.
Usenet is the hub of an immobile universe.
Uesnet is misspelled.
Usenet is the difference between pea soup and peanut butter.
Usenet is a billion dollars in pennies.
Usenet is Eeyore’s birthday present.
Usenet is carbonated tar.
Usenet is a computer having sex with a statue.
Usenet is a mile long, a meter wide, and an hour thick.
If Usenet were a color, it would be orange, or tangerine.
Usenet has feet without toes.
Usenet is a man buying another man’s bug collection to give to
his wife and then she sees the bugs and has a heart attack and dies and
the funeral director turns out to be the second man.
Usenet is the reason tapioca pudding is always vanilla,
never chocolate. Usenet is the reason you can’t make toast in a
70
microwave.
Usenet is what makes meatballs bounce.
Usenet is a Mobius strand of spaghetti.
Usenet is newer than the Old Testament but older than the
New Testament.
Usenet may have already won ten million dollars.
Usenet is Optima Semibold with slab serifs.
Usenet is always contradictory.
Usenet is never contradictory.
Usenet is Danny Thomas’s last spit-take.
Usenet sells its body.
Usenet is not a doughnut.
inner tube.
Usenet is not a bagel.
Usenet is an
Usenet turns urine into wine and vice versa.
Usenet is the PBS of computer networks. All streets on Usenet
are named “Sesame”. Usenet is Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.
Usenet can punctuate all by itself.
Usenet wants your money to buy a heart.
Usenet is half a pair of pants.
Usenet is made of latex.
Usenet is inflatable.
Usenet has fallen... and can’t get up!
Usenet is the official bait bucket of Crappiethon ‘91.
the official beer mug of Cheers.
Usenet is
Usenet is the seventh color of M&M.
Usenet has a soft, creamy center.
Usenet has a shelf-life of six hours.
billion years.
Usenet has a half-life of a
Usenet is a powerful force... IN BED.
Usenet cures jock itch in laboratory rats.
Usenet is written on old jars of mustard to keep them fresh.
71
Usenet is “Usenet is”.
Usenet is an anagram of Sneetu.
Usenet changes its underwear every fifteen minutes.
it on the outside so we can check.
Usenet wears
Usenet is a hairy light bulb.
It takes twenty Usenets to change a light bulb.
Usenet is a rubber fork.
paper safe.
Usenet is a wax toaster.
Usenet is a
Usenet can punch its way out of paper bags.
Usenet is the sequel to “Return of the Jedi”.
Usenet is a puppy trained to ignore slippers.
Usenet has fresh, minty breath... but never exhales.
Usenet is the embodiment of Zen.
motorcycle maintenence.
Usenet is the embodiment of
Usenet drives your car while you’re sleeping.
Usenet is the white digit on your car’s odometer.
Usenet is Prince William’s favorite toy.
Usenet is two-ply.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Usenet.
Was a plastic whale that shot
balls out his blowhole (the
whale’s, not HRH’s.) Of course,
now he’s grown up. Like Kibo.
INSIST ON GENUINE USENET--BEWARE OF IMITATIONS.
LOOK FOR THE USENET LABEL.
Usenet is a fish swimming through sand.
pronounced “ghoti”.
Usenet is
Usenet is a vowel.
Usenet was colorized by Ted Turner.
Usenet sits on the back burner of your stove.
Usenet is not a typewriter.
Usnet is the feeling you get when you lose the TV Guide.
72
Usenet is where socks go when they vanish in the dryer.
Usenet cancelled “Twin Peaks”.
Usenet was predicted by Nostradamus.
Usenet has a total I.Q. of one million--if you count the guy
wearing green socks.
If you pat Usenet, it will burp.
If you tease Usenet, it will bite.
Usenet is an emperor wearing clothes, in a nudist colony.
Usenet is Fahrvergnügen.
Usenet does not exist, because there is no “U” in “E=mc2”.
Usenet is a sunrise above a cave. Usenet is a siesta in a grave.
Usenet will not eat them on a train, Usenet will not eat them on a plane-“I do not like green eggs and ham,” said Usenet I Am.
Usenet has already warped your children.
Usenet is genetic.
Usenet is a new color of paper towels: solid black.
Usenet put the “bop” in the “bop bop ba bop shee wop doo wah”.
Usenet smokes a pipe and smiles.
Usenet is like “The Simpsons” only it’s two-dimensional.
Usenet cannot be Xeroxed.
Usenet cannot be photographed.
Usenet is a sane man in Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
Usenet is a black-light poster of Spiro Agnew.
Usenet is a potted power plant. Usenet actually always
alliterates accidentally. Usenet eats every ecookie ever ebaked.
Usenet is a sign that says “!PU DNE SIHT”.
Usenet is full of siht.
Usenet is a shaved dalmation.
Usenet is equal to the sum of apples and oranges.
Usenet is where the beef is.
USENET:
IT’S NOT ONLY A COMMUNICATIONS MEDIUM, IT’S ALSO A CLIENT.
Usenet is mindful drivel.
73
Usenet is a product registration card that you mail to God.
Usenet ignores threats of physical violence.
Usenet is where the white dot goes when you turn off the TV.
Usenet is at the West Pole--with the Easter Bunny.
Usenet is no ordinary bozo!
Usenet is a philosophy that only dogs can hear.
Usenet is the reason everything should be made of plastic.
Usenet is a birthday cake running over a steamroller.
Usenet is why rolls come eight to a pack but condoms come in dozens.
Usenet is sunglasses for your brain.
Usenet is what you call goose bumps when a goose gets them.
Usenet is a table with two legs.
Usenet is scratch’n’sniff.
Usenet is a blind potato.
Usenet is the reason prices end in “9”. Usenet makes that
$9999.99 car look a thousand dollars cheaper.
Usenet fits in your pants pocket. Usenet cannot be removed from
your pants pocket. Usenet is a tattoo.
Usenet is eyeballs for chewing gum.
Usenet is to television as sweat is to urine.
Usenet is a skeleton’s skeleton.
Usenet is the antidote for information.
Usenet is bigger than the universe but full of holes.
Usenet is better for you than sugar.
Usenet is what Lincoln is staring at on the penny.
Usenet is where you keep the acid that can dissolve through anything.
Usenet is a rectangular ameba.
74
Usenet goes “bump” late at night.
Usenet makes hours seem like miles.
Usenet makes time turn corners.
Usenet is Mr. Potato Head’s plastic surgeon.
Usenet is a wacky neighbor on the ultimate sitcom.
Usenet is why Madonna has a phony mole on her cheek.
Usenet is better than sex.
Usenet lies.
-- K.
(I thunk up all those in a five-minute
period about twenny years ago when you
guys were still using radio.)
MA, PAW DONE WROTE UP A COOKIE FILE AGAYN!
Path: world!kibo
Subject: A brief moment in your everyday life.
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 08:59:44 GMT
(Dog’s point of view as he races through the house.)
BACON!
BACON!
BACON!
BACON!
I WANT
BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON!
BACON! BACONBACONBACONBACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! I SMELL BACON! BACON!
WHERE’S THE BACON? BACON! BACON! BACONBACONBACONBACON!
THE BACK AND THAT’S OBVIOUSLY COMPLETELY REAL BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BAAAAAAAAAAAACONNNNNNNNN!
(woman holds out a green poker chip.)
OH BOY OH BOY REAL BACON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Voiceover:) DOGS DON’T KNOW ABOUT TRUTH-IN-ADVERTISING LAWS.
-- K.
Back to playing “Chase The Chuckwagon”
on my Atari Video Computer System.
75
Subject: A seroius qeustion.
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 08:51:47 GMT
I know that everyone says that if you take too many tylenols in your
lifetime you’re legally insane but what I really need to know is can the
same thing happen if you take too few tylenols in your lifetime like I
gotta know this before my court hearing tomorrow bye.
-- K.
Also they say they’re not
going to permit cats in our
building any more because
some bozo’s been throwing
used kitty litter out the
window but I don’t think it’s
a question of whether we have
cats but whether we think
the toilet seats are real
cold.
True part
I’ve been leaving stupid headers
out of this anthology, except for
Subject: Re: A seroius qeustion.
this article, because someone was
Message-ID: <[email protected]> reading them that day.
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 06:41:46 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 2731 centons, 98 microns, .04 hectars
X-Kibo-Machine: Vannevar Bush’s Memex & Gene Roddenberry’s Memorator
Organization: welcome datacomp
(Stefan Kapusniak) wrote:
> Now, perhaps M’Lord Kibo would wish to turn his attention to
> selecting a fresh X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date for the occasion of
> M’Lord’s our presentation?
>
> In my experience, M’Lord must forgive my frankness, a _stale_
> X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date, such as the one M’Lord is wearing,
> does little to add to ones consequence upon such an occasion.
But I’ve been watching the final episode of “Galactica 1980” over and over
for weeks!
Matt McIrvin will back me up; he’s seen it at least four times.
I love the part where the robot with a fake Dick Tufeld voice asks, “What
is wo-man?”
76
Or the scene in the Cylon cruiser:
Cylon #1: “That was an unexpected maneuver.”
Cylon #2: “He is a very good warrior.”
Cylon #1: “That is a small consolation. We are going to crash.”
-- K.
Subject: Re: A seroius qeustion.
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:41:34 GMT
[email protected] (Roger Douglas) wrote:
>[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) expostulated:
>
>.....
>>Or the scene in the Cylon cruiser:
>>Cylon #1: “That was an unexpected maneuver.”
>>Cylon #2: “He is a very good warrior.”
>>Cylon #1: “That is a small consolation. We are going to crash.”
>
><Speedy Gonzales voice>
>I like zees Cylons, zey are STOOOPID.
></Speedy Gonzales voice>
>
>[Warner Bros. Cartoon theory of SCI-FI TV plots reserved for later use]
You haven’t noticed that Daffy Duck is the replacement for Bruce Boxleitner
on this year’s “Babylon 5”? Oh, I forgot, you’re a year behind Down Under,
so you haven’t yet seen the episode where Kosh turns out to be Billy Mumy.
Sorry.
-- K.
AND HE’S STILL NINE!!!!!!
Computer-animated scene
from “Babylon 1”, 1981.
Later used as one of the
two minutes of computer
animation in “Tron”.
77
Subject: Re: A WITNESS, A WARNING, AND A BLESSING
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 05:42:13 GMT
>- The legs of a centipede continue twitching for up to one minute after
> you squash the bastard and they fly off in all directions.
But if you shoot the head before the legs it doesn’t break into as many
parts, but the head turns into a mushroom that makes it turn around unless
you use the “DDT” bomb which is actually a Delirium Tremens bomb if you
have an Atari 2600. Also you get more points for damaging the mushrooms
instead of destroying them and also also if you use the wrong Atari 2600
emulator the centipede stands perfectly still at the top of the screen and
you can shoot it all you want without dying and there aren’t any fleas but
other than that the game works and the spider still makes the noise they
used on “Knight Rider” for Kitt’s ultraphonic analyzer.
Now that we know this Fun Fact... we have been given a new lease on life...
and a warning... from the landlord... who is Elvis!!!!
(Roy Scheider reference)
-- K.
(hums “Linus & Lucy” by the
Vince Guaraldi Trio)
(Kids In The Hall reference)
78
Subject: Re: A WITNESS, A WARNING, AND A BLESSING
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 07:57:27 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Larry Suter) wrote:
>[email protected] (Nick S Bensema) writes:
>>YM “Satriani”. HTH.
>
>”Right, who’s got a boil on their Semprini then?”
>”OUT!”
>
>Sigh, Jeanine Garafolo (or however you spell that)
>TV. Swoon.
(“You Meant”/“Hope this helps” acronyms;
lame alt.religion.kibology inside joke that other
people have been beating to death. Note that I
don’t use those stupid acronyms here, BTW.
was just on
Yeah, but it was on a CARTOON, so it doesn’t count.
-- K.
I’m Moltar! Worship meeeee!
no, wait, for G9 Garafolo, it’s
-- K.
DUH, LOOKIT ME, I’M THE CABLE GUY!!!
NUR! NUR! NUHH! NURRR! NURHEY! NUH!!!!!
DAW! DAW! NUH! NUH! DURHEY! DOY!!!!!
(If John Lovitz ever did a
cartoon voice, he’d say this.)
(My imitation of Ben Stiller’s imitation
of the world’s most evil person.)
Newsgroups: comp.ai.philosophy,alt.sci.time-travel,alt.religion.kibology
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: AI and Time Awareness
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 09:48:34 GMT
In [comp.ai.philosophy,alt.sci.time-travel], [email protected] wrote:
>Valucard International wrote:
> >
> >
May the best hallucination win.
> >
> >
I want a God who takes responsibility for His mistakes.
>
>Funny you should mention that.
S’ok, if He won’t, I’ll take the resoponsibility. It’s all my
the reason why your box of Girl Scout Cookies has more broken
your neighbor’s. I’m the reason the Dewey Decimal system give
about people the number 921. I’m the reason sex makes a mess.
fault. I’m
ones than
all books
I’m the
79
reason the entire cast of “Saturday Night Live” has been eating lead paint
chips for years. I’m the reason people think car alarms are a good idea.
I’m the reason Hanna-Barbera don’t try to entertain children. I’m the
reason my computer is cooler than your computer. I’m the reason the Earth
is an oblate spheroid instead flat, just to make all maps wrong. I’m the
reason caulfilower tastes like cauliflower. I’m the reason your roommate
picks out all the red M&Ms. I’m the reason why Bob Hope isn’t dead yet.
-- K.
Of course, if he dies tomorrow,
I’m the reason Bob Hope got run
over by Fred Flintstone’s car.
LOOK MA, NO HANDS! -Comedian Bob Hope sips
champagne from a glass
held by Argonne's masterslave manipulators, on
display at the 1957 Paris
Fair. The photo is from the
July 1957 Argonne News. >
LEGAL NOTICE: On November
15, 1996, James “Kibo” Parry
predicted the eventual death of
Bob Hope. When this prediction
comes true, Kibo will become
the world’s richest psychic.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.enemas
Subject: Re: An Anal Erotic Apololgy
Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 08:57:21 GMT
In about thirty newsgroups, [email protected] wrote:
>With good intentions, butt unaware of appropriate Posting Protocol,
>anally erotic .jpg’s from my book, “The Enema As An Erotic Art And Its
>History” wound up in some of the wrong newsgroups.
Hmm, maybe the world has been reduced to this:
+------------- >8 CLIP & SAVE -------------+
|
|
|
alt.sex.enemas ..... enemas
|
|
|
|
other newsgroups ... other stuff
|
|
|
+-------- OFFICIAL POSTING PROTOCOL --------+
But I accept your haplology.
(CONTINUED)
80
-- K.
The first person to ever
use “haplology” in a
sentence in alt.sex.enemas.
Everyone at Enemeron College
will get the meta-joke.
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 08:03:33 GMT
(E.Holmes) wrote:
>On Sun, 10 Nov 1996, in alt.religion.kibology, James “Kibo” Parry remarks:
>
>/But I accept your haplology.
>/
>/
-- K.
>/
The first person to ever
>/
use “haplology” in a
>/
sentence in alt.sex.enemas.
>/
Everyone at Enemeron College
>/
will get the meta-joke.
>
>
> All that comes to my mind is chromosomes and gametes. Gametes,
> of course, refer to mature ‘germ’ cells, and therein could lie
> a pun through two layers of referentials. Does even Kibo make
> wordplays with such an obscyour basis?
The best part is I made an extra pun by accident by misspelling “Enemerson”.
-- K.
Also I wet ‘em.
(
Also I confused haplology with anaptyxis,
metathesis, and tmesis. Sorry.
)
81
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 08:08:33 GMT
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Ian A. York) wrote:
>
>> So please,
>> give generously to:
>>
>> The Church of Kibo
>> c/o Ian York
>> Kenmore Square T stop, first pay phone on the right
>> Boston, MA
>
>Be sure to use plastic-laminated cash and bring SCUBA gear
Also don’t forget to bring your SCUBA gear apparatus,
and your SCUBA equipment, and your SCUBA DOOBA.
-- K.
If George Jetson drove the Mystery
Machine, he’d say that. Space Zoicks!
A Hanna-Barberian
fantasy from alt.torture.
82
KIBO • PRESIDENT •’97
Subject: Announcement
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:29:30 GMT
Now that the election is over, it’s time to start my campaign.
KIBO * PRESIDENT * ‘97
My platform: I will ask every second grade student I can find what I
should do as President. Then I will do that. When I do what they say
I will be a good Preisdent and everyone will be happy and build lots
of statues of me and give me lots of candy because they like me.
The following summarizes some of the early planks in my ‘97 platform.
I will do all of these, especially the last one.
-[Image] Mrs. Berger’s Second Graders Write About:
If I were President of the United States, I would...
...make everything free. The reason why is you could be robbed and be
poor. No one would rob you and it would be fun. David
...make a big gigantic cleaning machine because it would make the
United States clean. Danny
...I would buy a football team call the University of Groveland
Schools. Because the years go by and I will make two years of football.
This is Charlie, the President of the United States.
...make everything free because no one would be poor and people would
not fight over money. Poor and sick people would not need money. Molly
...make half the United States that people live in and the other half a
airbase and army base because it will be safe. They would keep us safe.
Sam H.
...make a giant company called Halloween Scream. The other half would
be an arcade. Then it will be safe. Michael
...clean the state. I would clean the road. I would plant new trees. It
would look better. Sam K.
83
...make water machine because people who do not like pop can drink
water. Water is healthy for people. Water is popular. People like a lot
of water because it is healthy. Max
...give high tech security systems to all the buildings in the U.S.A.
so robbers don’t get in. I would put guards on the machines. Peter
...help people with the problems. Because they may be sick, no clothes,
no homes and are poor. I would go to the store and buy them food and
clothes. Krista
...clean the streets and the grass and the towns and cities. I would
help the environment and plant new trees and new bushes. Mikayla
...make a big gigantic cleaning machine because it would make the
United States clean. Danny
...give home to the poor because they don’t have to live on the street.
Give money to the poor so that they can buy a house. I would pick up
litter so the earth will be clean. I would give money to the childrens’
hospital so they can get better. I would give food to the poor so they
won’t starve. Natalie
...make people stop littering. And then the world would be cleaner so
that the air would be clean. And I would try to make people stop doing
drugs, but if they could not, it would be okay. I would try to help
them to stop. Nora
...clean the cities and towns and streets and grass to make the world a
cleaner place to live in. I would tell people not to pollute the lakes
because fish would die if oil or gas drips in. Jessica
...make a snow plow for every state that cleaned the whole street. I
would do this so no one would get stuck in the snow. Grace
...make all the pop machines free so people could save money. And make
all the food in the U.S.A. free so people could save money. Kyle
...give people things free. I would give them a rock. They would take
it home and make a rock collection. Aneta
-- K.
DANNY WON’T STOP WITH THE
CLEANING MACHINE!!!!!
Hey, you guys
shouldn’t make fun of
people who are too
poor to have a rock!
84
Subject: Re: Announcement
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:35:41 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (lmerkel on BIX) wrote:
>[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) writes:
> [some planks removed]
>
>>...make a giant company called Halloween Scream. The other half would
>>be an arcade. Then it will be safe. Michael
>
> Yeah! Because the arcade would have a “Last Starfighter” game
> in it, right next to the trailer park, and real aliens with
> atomic blasters would come down to help anyone who gets a
> high score. Driving sports cars with retractable wheels,
> faster-than-light drive and affordable leasing terms.
Except that Wil Wheaton would be in the arcade and he’d get edited out. And
then Atari would try to write a home video game based on the movie but the
movie would flop and Atari would release the game as “Star Raiders II”,
just to make Douglas Neugebauer cry!
>>...give high tech security systems to all the buildings in the U.S.A.
>>so robbers don’t get in. I would put guards on the machines. Peter
>
> “And then I’ll put more guards on the guards!” -- Leslie Nielsen
> as the proto-Kirk in “Forbidden Planet.”
He has to go now. He’s late for an APPOINTMENT... ON MARS!!!!
(Model rocket supplied by the American Rocket Society.)
Gharlane will explain the joke. [BTW, Gharlane, Mike Jittlov says I’m a
character taller than you in his font.]
>>...give people things free. I would give them a rock. They would take
>>it home and make a rock collection. Aneta
>
>
I think a poor person can get a lot more use out of a nice
> handful of gravel.
TV
And then what would the judge bang?
-- K.
Not “whom”, “what”!
THIRD BASE!!!!
X7
CONTAINS DIRTY JOKES
FOR LITTLE KIDS
85
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo
Subject: ANNOUNCEMENT part II
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:52:38 GMT
Many states have so far refused to put me on the ballot for the ‘97
Presidential race. While I maintain they are attempting to preclude my
constituional rights UNDER THE LAW by WAIVING TECHNICALITIES and CONFUSING
ME BY USING LOTS OF BIG LEGAL WORDS THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND, I have decided
to have a running mate in order to be more a acceptable candidate from the
viewpoint of the graphic designers who lay out the boxes on the standard
ballot that all states use.
In the spirit of healthy compromise against competition, I have forcluded
my premonition of a newly vindicated viable alternative to a traditional
role of vice-president in favor of the functionality of a sidekick.
JAMES “KIBO” PARRY & ANDY RICHTER FOR PRESIDENT & SIDEKICK
Also Don King will maintain to continue in his roleness as associate to my
speechwriting capability.
-- K.
VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NOT TOTALLY AN IDIOT!!!!
ALSO I HAVE A RUNNING MATE!!!!!
From: [email protected]
(James “Kibo” Parry)
e
Subject: ANNOUNCMENT, part III
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:56:21 GMT
If I am elected President, I will make TV commercials illegal and I will
tell all the TV networks to stuff their V-chip and make a new amendment
which says that they will make only good programs from now on. Also I won’t
let NBC revive “Star Trek” because then eventually they’ll have to cancel
it again and I would get impeached if “Star Trek” got cancelled again
during my presidency so I’ll make a clause that says that “Star Trek” will
be cancelled THE DAY AFTER I DIE. Then I’ll never be assassinated and will
live FOREVER!
-- K.
Also everyone will communicate by
talking to the back of their hands,
like on Babylon 5, instead of talking
into their nipple, like on Star Trek.
86
Subject: ANNOUNCEMENT, part IIII
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:57:09 GMT
Also, when I am elected President, to prove that I support democracy, I
will give everyone a certificate that entitles them to be President at some
future date.
Subject: Re: ANNOUNCEMENT, part IIII
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:39:35 GMT
(K.M. Mennie) wrote:
>James “Kibo” Parry ([email protected]) wrote:
>> Also, when I am elected President, to prove that I support democracy, I
>> will give everyone a certificate that entitles them to be President at some
>> future date.
>
>I’d like to place my dibs for the day Jimmy Stewart dies. People will be
>too busy looking at clips from Ìt’s a Wonderful Life’ on Headline News to
>notice how much I’m embezzling. I just want the one day, you understand,
>so it shouldn’t be too hard to fit me in right away. Thanks, Kibo!
I’d like to point out that
(a) Paul Rand died a couple days ago. He designed corporate logos, such as
the UPS brown shield, the many variations of “IBM” (solid, reversed, small,
outline, thick outline, nine stripes, 11 stripes, etc.) and I believe he
did the AT&T death star (in about a dozen forms). The UPS logo was one of
his earliest works; later he came to regret making the type geometric and
the knot freehand, but the company wouldn’t let him revise it.
(b) THAT BASTARD BOB HOPE STILL ISN’T DEAD!!!!!!!
I repeat: I claim credit in advance for the impending
death of Bob Hope. Fred Flintstone will run him over in his car,
while on his way to see Dolores Hopediamondrock at the
U.S.O.-rock show.
Only one person sent me
mail about the difference
between Saul Bass (who
designed the AT&T Death
Star) and Paul Rand (who
did IBM, UPS, etc.)
-- K.
THEN THE FUN ALMOST BEGINS!
87
ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß ß = “ss”
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Bad Fonts (was: The Wizard at WorldCon)
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:29:59 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Magnus Y Alvestad
>[Terry L. Smith] (in alt.fan.mike-jittlov)
>
>| Mike still hasn’t been able to edit his tapes from the “Intersection”
>| trip, alas.
He has been working on designing fonts. Interesting.
>
>Aha! Mike is Kibo!
Oddly enough, I got a phone call from Mike a couple of hours ago. He
wanted to know what a /germandbls glyph was. I told him it was a sort of
cookie that you make with a caulking gun.
J
C
K
plumpy
A
-- K.
I won’t even go into the horrors that could
transpire were some evil person to
release a QuickDraw GX version of Plumpy
with lots of swashes and ligatures.
S
Mecanorma was also the original publisher of the “Zelek” series of fonts,
in which every letter was a Penrose impossible triangle, only round. This
font was used by someone who once designed a suction-cup “Open/Closed”
sign that is seen in many, many shop windows to this day, but it has never
been sighted elsewhere. (However, Plumpy did not get used by anyone, ever.)
O
N
BTW, he seems to have a special place in his heart for Mecanorma’s
“Jackson” font, which was used for the “ACME RADAR” trademark in his
feature film. He sent me a 1973-ish Mecanorma catalog, truly the most
hideous collection of typefaces in one place, ever--the early seventies
were the least tasteful period of type design, and Mecanorma was in
France, and they paid low royalties and apparently rejected almost
nothing. Most of their new-for-1973 typefaces were round and flabby
all-lowercase things, the scariest being one called “Plumpy” which looks
like the letters on sixties psychedelic posters except they’re wearing
translucent rubber diapers with full loads. I am not exaggerating. The
letters are white, except the bottoms have a strange sagging black bulge.
88
the world’s
worst font.
“Zany” (might not be
its orginal name) was
found in an old
phototype catalog.
Kibo digitized it just
to produce his most
recent .signature.
NOT AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC.
(I DIDN’T DESIGN IT. THEREFORE I WON’T
SELL IT OR GIVE IT AWAY.)
ALSO, THIS FONT SUCKS DEAD SLUGS.
1234567890 AB
CDEFGHIJKLM
NOPQRSTUVW
XYZ &$? abcdefg
89
Subject: BIFF! (Was: Re: SENSORSHIP AT THIS SITE)
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 10:36:03 GMT
Seen in a warez newsgroup.
[email protected] ( US GOVERNMENT SUCKS) wrote:
> THIS SITE HAS BEEN ALSTERED BY NETCOM and OTHERS.
>
> BINARIES ARE NOT BEING ALLOWED ON THE SERVER.
>
> CRASH NETCOM ??? WILL YOU STAND FOR THIS SHIT???
>
> DON’T WAIST TIME DLOADING CUZ IT DOES’NT WORK!
>
> EVEN THE XXXX FILES ARE BEING BLOCKED FROM SENSORSHIP.
>
> OVERHTROW THE GOVERNMENT! YEA FOR MILITIA GROUPS!!
>
> NO NEW WORLD ORDER HERE! WAKE UP AND REALIZE THE US GOV IS
> TRYING TO DEMORALIZE US AS US CITIZENS.
>
> FREEDOME TO BARE ARMS AND FREEDOM TO KILL! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!
IM T0TELY SPEACHLES !!!!!11 MY BRANE HAS BEAN SENS0RED AND ALSTERED !!!!1
YEA 4 KIB0 and HIS WILINGNES 2 BARE NEKKID GIFFS S0 AS KN0T 2 WAIST
FREEED0MME !!!!!!!1
PLAEZE ESCUXE THE ALL CAPIT0LS BUTT IT D0EZ IT AUT0 MATICELY WHEN I H0LD
D0WN THE SHFiT KEY !!!!!!!!1
PS MY APPLE PIPPIN HAZ A BETTER KEY B0RED THAN U L00ZERS BECUZ IT HAS THE
RETRUN KEY SPELED WRITE !!!!!1
-- K.
[you think I’m kidding about the word “RETRUN”
carefully printed onto the prototypes’ keybaords.]
ZANYVISION TRAINWRECK VERSION:
PLAEZE ESCUXE THE ALL
CAPIT0LS BUTT IT D0EZ IT AUT0
MATICELY WHEN I H0LD
D0WN THE SHFiT KEY !!!!!!!!1
90
Subject: Re: BIFF! (Was: Re: SENSORSHIP AT THIS SITE)
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 1996 05:57:00 GMT
[email protected] (Michael Straight) wrote:
>>PS MY APPLE PIPPIN HAZ A BETTER KEY B0RED THAN U L00ZERS BECUZ IT HAS THE
>>RETRUN KEY SPELED WRITE !!!!!1
>
>>
-- K.
>>
[you think I’m kidding about the word “RETRUN”
>>
carefully printed onto the prototypes’ keybaords.]
>
>I can just see it now, Kibo running through the apartment maniacally
>screaming, “RET RUN! RET RUN!” Writing it on the door in lipstick,
>”RETRUN!” until one day Spot sees the word reflected in the mirror just as
>Kibo bashes his head through the door and says, “O Spot...we’re going to
>take a little trip to the vet today to get you all FIXED up!”
The weird part is that the Apple engineer at MacWorld Expo seemed quite
happy to point out to anyone who would listen that the prototype he was
demonstrating had a keyboard with a misspelled key. Then someone asked him
how much the machine would cost and he said “Under $200!” and laughed for
a while and then said that, yeah, it would be about $600.
The special castrated version of Netscape Navigator running on the
prototype “@World” had single “keys” on the on-screen keyboard for useful
phrases like “.jp”, “.ac.jp”, “.or.jp”, etc.
We tried looking at Matt McIrvin’s wimpy
the graphic. It was kind of eerie seeing
@world that wasn’t near std.com. It also
was injection-molded from a Stella D’Oro
I enjoy trade shows because I can go from
wrong tech questions to perplex the sales
effort; I started an argument between two
vendor’s booth when one of them _guessed_
other didn’t like it.)
web page and it couldn’t display
[email protected] on an
had a trackball controller that
Croissant Plastique.
booth to booth asking just the
reps. (Sometimes it requires no
people at some shady RAM
a price to quote me and the
And I didn’t even pull the old trick of asking them what the difference
between a color printer and a B&W printer was.
-- K.
Street price for the @World in the U.S. seems to be about $5 now. HA! HA! It’s really $500.
91
Subject: Re: Billy’s last day (m/b/snuff/pedo)
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 11:28:14 GMT
Warning: the following reposted story violates the Communications Decency
Act as well as the Literary Quality Act. This garbled little gem was
posted by someone using DejaNews (yes, it was posted through a Web form.
Probably using a Pippin.)
In alt.sex.stories, [email protected] wrote:
>WARNING THIS STORY CONTIAN A DEATH OF A MINOR CHILD
>LIKE THESE TYPES OF STORIES DONT READ THEM!
>One day Billy went exploring in this new part of town
>of town, and soon came about this house, wheren this man
>James was hiding out, (James liked to hurt and kill boys) Thats
>why James was hiding out as he had just killed his 4th victim
>the other day.James had seen Billy coming and as Billy open the door
>James jumped the boy from behind, it wasnt long before James had the
>boys hands tied behind his back. James then placed the boy on this chair
>and then threw a rope over the rafter tying one end around the Billy’s neck
>neck. Then James undid the boys’s shorts, Billy was wearing
>exposing the boy’s penis, telling Bill you be needing this where you are
>going, Then James pulled on the rope, the rope tightn around the boy’s
>neck James watch Billy struggle for oxygen it wasnt long before
>Billy stop struggleing and the boy was dead
Wow! What a catharsis! And in the style of James Joyce’s “Finnegans Wake”,
it ends in the middle of a sentence! A literary masterpiece that just
doesn’t know when to quit.
I liked it, except for the gay part, and the rape part, and the pedophilia
part, and the snuff part. But the multi-layered depiction of interpersonal
dynamics was better than watching E. M. Forster boff Jane Austen!!!
-- K.
I *could* write a better snuff story than
anyone else on Usenet, ‘cept I don’t wanna.
And it would have me and Claudia Christian
in it, but we wouldn’t kill each other.
We’d kill... YOUUUUU!!!!
If Claudia Christian turned evil she’d look like this!
92
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers,sci.physics
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Bogus science in YOUR COMPUTER’S PROCESSOR!
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 11:16:46 GMT
Thought you folks would get a kick out of this laughable piece of snake
oil. It’s from the manual for a program that claims to make your computer
go faster by scrubbing the processor. (I’d love to hear the authors
explain how, exactly, the “complicated process” makes all the electrons go
the other way “in a special order”.)
[spelling and grammar errors are theirs, not mine]
3.4.: CPU Magnetization Statistics
* This is probably the most important and unique feature of PowerLED(tm);
It gives you information about the magnetization-level of your
microprocessor.
* Your microprocessor consists of many small strips of material that
conduct electrons. All these electrons go through your microprocessor in
the same direction. Changes in electron speed or intensity create magnetic
fields, just as in an electric engine or a dynamo. This also happens in
your microprocessor. The only difference is that it is not wanted here!
Because parts that become magnetic can slow down electrons that move at
high speed.
By sending many electrons, measuring the time and comparing this to
static data, PowerLED(tm) can actually give a good indication of the
magnetization level in your CPU.
It can not only measure, it can also demagnetize. This is done by a
complicated process in which electrons are revesed in a special order to
create a maximum negative field compared to the field existing.
This process is absolutely safe to your system. But before demagnetizing
please quit all open applications and safe all open documents.
* Demagnetization will take a few seconds and it may appear you Mac
‘hangs’. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. PLEASE DO NOT RESTART WHILE DEMAGNETIZING.
This will leave the process unfinished and magnetization level may even
increase!
* Demagnetizing on a regular basis may improve performance and extend the
lifetime of your microprocessor. Improvement in performance can be noticed
in the panel: Internal Power Statistics.
-- K.
93
Subject: Re: Bogus science in YOUR COMPUTER’S PROCESSOR!
Date: Sun, 25 Aug 1996 09:06:29 GMT
[email protected] (Lon Stowell) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]> [email protected]
(James “Kibo” Parry) writes:
>>
>>Thought you folks would get a kick out of this laughable piece of snake
>>oil. It’s from the manual for a program that claims to make your computer
>>go faster by scrubbing the processor. (I’d love to hear the authors
>>explain how, exactly, the “complicated process” makes all the electrons go
>>the other way “in a special order”.)
>>
>
>
Gack. Please excuse me for a few minutes, I need to go cry.
And the best part is, I installed it, and not only does it make my
computer go 2000% faster, it made my screen bigger and it gave off a
never-ending shower of DELICIOUS CANDY!!!!
-- K.
MMMMMMM, IMAGINARY CANDY!!!!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 05:37:23 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Michael Straight) wrote:
>Louis Nick III <[email protected]> wrote:
>>So, the “Kibo Inside” stickers are in fact to be placed on the user, when
>>the user has gone through this experience. Then he just says “Bozocity
>>Out!” and turns into Kibo. “Kibo In” turns the Kibo back into the
>>ordinary user.
>
>And all this time I thought “BozoCity Out!” was what Kibo said into his
>wrist CU-SEE-ME communigator when he was done making his report to HQ in
>Astro City.
>
>Michael Straight turns into “Kibo, Jr.” by saying “James Parry.”
94
“Zap him with your runny custard ray, Frankie!”
(woo woo woo woo woo woo) “Atta-boy!”
-- K.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING, BUT I DO KNOW WHY.
IT’S BECAUSE OF THE HOLE IN MY TV.
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 10:22:24 GMT
(Nick S Bensema) wrote:
>>>
>>>Michael Straight turns into “Kibo, Jr.” by saying “James Parry.”
>>
>>”Zap him with your runny custard ray, Frankie!”
>>
>>(woo woo woo woo woo woo) “Atta-boy!”
>>
>>
-- K.
>>
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING, BUT I DO KNOW WHY.
>>
IT’S BECAUSE OF THE HOLE IN MY TV.
>
>I don’t get that reference. In fact I don’t even know if there’s a
>reference there.
>
>Kibo can just respond with any old crap and we’ll all go “OH HE’Z
>BRILLYINT!”
PHUH-LAYEEZ, DAAAAAAH-LEEEENK, SOW-WARE GRAYEPS AHHHR
AWWWWWT EEF SAYZEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
Star of “Mission Impossible 1999” and
“Galactica 1999” and “Robotron 1999”.
P.S. THIS IS *NEW* CRAP.
Obviously the culturally illiterate Mr. Bensema has never seen Hanna-Barbera’s barely two-dimensional
“Frankenstein Junior” cartoons. The impression I did (re the sour grapes) is Jane Badler on
“V: The Series”. She was Barbara “Space: 1999” Bain’s replacement on “Mission Impossible 1985”.
95
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.biff,alt.stupidity,alt.sex
Followup-To: misc.test,alt.sex,alt.slack,talk.politics.guns,rec.guns
Subject: Re: BUILD YOUR OWN BAZOOKA IN 1 HOUR
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 07:35:34 GMT
In many groups, [email protected] wrote:
>
THE URBAN BAZOOKA “XC-104D”
4 0UTD00R USE 0NLEY !!!!!!!!!!!!!1
>CONSTRUCT YOUR OWN BAZOOKA IN ONE HOUR
>WITH PARTS READILY AVAILABLE AT ANY LOCAL
>HARDWARE STORE. THE COST OF PARTS IS LESS
>THAN $14.00 !!!
HEY EVERY B0DY I”LL TELL U H0W 2 BILD A CAR FR0M $5 W0RTH 0F STUFF
IF U SEND ME $15,OOO !!!!!!!!!1
>THIS AMAZING NOVELTY WILL STUN YOU WITH ITS
>TREMENDOUS FIREPOWER, EASE OF ASSEMBLY,
>AND LOW PRICE. ANYONE CAN DO IT !!!
IN ADDITI0N 2 USEING THIS BAZ00KA 2 STUN P0EPLE, U CAN USE A STUN
GUN 2 BL0W UP PE0PEL !!!!1
>GUARANTEED TO FIRE A PROJECTILE OVER 400 FEET
>WITH DEVASTATING FORCE AND ACCURACY. (LONGER
>THAN A FOOTBALL FIELD !!!)
IF Y0UR KILLED BY U”R ENEMEY WHILE USEING 0UR BAZ00KA, U WILL GET A FULL
REFUND !!!!!!!1
>EASILY ASSEMBLED IN LESS THAN AN HOUR WITH
>NO SPECIAL TOOLS.
H0WEVER, U NEED 2 TAKE THE ENGINE 0UT 0F A “VECT0R” CAR 2 MAKE EACH MISSEL !!!!!
>TO RECEIVE THE EASY TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS
>COMPLETE WITH DETAILED PICTURES
>SEND:
>
>$8.00 US CURRENCY(CASH, CHECK, OR MONEY ORDER)
>NAME AND MAILING ADDRESS
>
>TO:
>JOSH FRITZ
>5543 EDMONDSON PIKE
>SUITE 52
>NASHVILLE, TN 37211
96
& BE SURE 2 RITE “I ARE A L00SER !!!!!!!1” 0N THE ENVEL0PE !!!1
>FOR ADULTS AND INFORMATION PURPOSES ONLY
>COPYRIGHT JOSH FRITZ, 1996
REMEMBER THIS P0ST IS F0R INF0RMATION PURP0SES 0NLEY, THAT MEANS U CA”NT
MAKE FUN 0F IT BECUZ IT”S KN0T 4 FUNNEY PURP0SESES !!!1
-- KIBIFF !!!!!!!!!11
P.S. W0”NT U B SUPRISED WHEN U GET U”R BAZooKA & IT”S A LITTLE PINK BRICK
RAPPED IN AN UNFUNNEY C0MIC STRIP !!!!!!1
HA !!!!!!1 HA !!!!!!!!!11
I AM S0 GREAT
I AM S0 GREAT
I G0T M0RE BAZ00KAS THEN U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!!!!!111..
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.science,alt.religion.kibology
Followup-To: alt.sex.fetish.robots
Subject: Re: DUMBEST inventions of the 20th century!
Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 07:27:19 GMT
[email protected] (Andy Wing) wrote:
>
Clipper Chip, photo radar, blister packs (you get
> blisters opening them), CD jewel box, the 640K barrier,
> the chain letter, laundry disks, token ring.
THE BANANA HANGER(TM). Q.E.D., no further followups to
this bboard chat area are possible because I have
destroyed your whole theory!!!!
(Science is not a game but I still always win.)
-- K.
P.S. You can buy a Banana Hanger at the Osco at
Brigham Circle in Brookline in case you can’t
find one at a store for idiots near you.
Fancy banana hangers (sans trademark) from a
gift catalog. The top one is $22. The bottom one
is more because it includes fruit and a dolphin.
97
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:01:15 GMT
>It was scarcely a billion years before they realized that they, too,
>possessed inherent imperfections resulting from the imperfect design of
>the Second Kibologists, combined with inbreeding, a strange sort of
>historic despair over the disappearance of the Moon on September 13, 1999,
>and the effect of telepathic sub-vital units, carrying a kind of physical
>dementia, which had of late invaded Earth from the eternal night-side of
>Mercury. Several races of artificial Kibologists followed, and we will not
>describe them in detail, and will instead relate the curious tale of the
>Twenty-First Kibologists, or Great Serial Ports, in which the happy
>balance of human qualities in the preceding races yielded to a blind and
>intemperate quest for bandwidth...
>
>
- Olaf S. Parry, _Last and First Kibologists_, 1933
Puh-leeze, Matt, the current nom de plume is “Olaf Staplegun”. Olaf,
of course, is the founder of The Staplegunners, a band whose albums,
“The Ball Bearing Electro-Circuit Memory Buster” and “Gnu Yak, Gnu Yak,
And Other Bestial Places” feature the editorial stylings of
Sid Sheinberg and his most important creation, Howard Leeds.
Cindy Brady will now explain the dirty joke!
-- K.
and no, it doesn’t involve the
word “pith”.
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:09:25 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Eric Boesch)
wrote:
>Not quite. That’s “... I could easily become an expert Ukrainian sword
>dancer if I tried.” You don’t understand the world of hypotheticals.
>Nuclear physicists investigating virtual particles have proven that all of
>your alternate world-lines look like Conan’s Destiny, where you’re a king
>standing at the top of a hill holding your sword in front of you with
>women in leopard-skin bikinis clutching your feet.
98
It is not logical for bikinis to clutch one’s feet, particularly as
bikinis are not known to possess appendages with which to grasp. Also,
Captain, I possess no emotions, I am a scientist, and therefore women in
bikinis serve no purpose.
>Making that a complete sentence, you have “I could have been the best
>Ukrainian sword dancer ever if I tried it,
The Ukrainites have the single strangest form of body art of all
fetish-dependent countries. They paint a girl with psychedelic hippie body
paint (endorsed by George Liquor!) and then dip her in black beeswax. Then
they get out the toothpicks and scratch away.
THIS PROMOTES VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, AND THEREFORE WE MUST NOW RUN A
POLITICALLY CORRECT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.
(Little Johnny pushes a girl off her tricycle.)
Narrator: Little Johnny beats up the girls. Johnny is very bad. Little
Johnny will grow up in prison.
(Little Freddie pushes the same girl off her tricycle again, then hits
Johnny over the head with it.)
Narrator: Little Freddie beats up EVERYONE, and therefore is perfectly
suited for life in our modern, bias-free society. He beats up everyone,
even YOU!
-- K.
AT CALUMET MARKET, OUR MOST
IMPORTANT SPECIAL IS... KIBO!!!!
“Our most important special is YOU”. Motto
of smelly little mom & pop down the street.
Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 09:53:05 GMT
>This is ominously similar to my campaign at the age of four to get my baby
>sister named “Rocky Poodoo,” in honor of Rocky the Flying Squirrel and
>Winnie-the-Pooh. I’d say that it was also influenced by the name of Charles
>Nelson Reilly’s character on “Lidsville,” which was “Hoodoo,” but I think
>it was about a year too early for that.
This was actually not cruel--his sister’s _real_ name, at that time, was
“Rocky Poopoo”.
She grew up to have her own TV show, thanks to Hanna and Barbera.
-- K.
99
Subject: DIAGRAM OF FUN-NY, FUN-NY!!! (Was: DUMBEST inventions)
Sender: [email protected] (Mr Usenet Himself)
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 10:00:03 GMT
[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) wrote:
>[email protected] (Matt McIrvin) wrote:
>
>>
Several races of artificial Kibologists followed, and we will not
>>describe them in detail, and will instead relate the curious tale of the
>>Twenty-First Kibologists, or Great Serial Ports, in which the happy
>>balance of human qualities in the preceding races yielded to a blind and
>>intemperate quest for bandwidth...
>>
>>
- Olaf S. Parry, _Last and First Kibologists_, 1933
>
>Puh-leeze, Matt, the current nom de plume is “Olaf Staplegun”. Olaf, of
>course, is the founder of The Staplegunners, a band whose albums, “The
>Ball bearing Electro-Circuit Memory Buster” and “Gnu Yak, Gnu Yak, And
>Other Bestial Places” feature the editorial stylings of Sid Sheinberg and
>his most important creation, Howard Leeds.
>
>Cindy Brady will now explain the dirty joke!
Well, Cindy says she’s indithpothed, wherever that is, so I better attempt
to diagram the dirty joke. Except that to really get my jokes you gotta be
smarter than me, so I’ll do my best, but don’t expect me to be able to
make it funny or anything stupid like that.
1) Matt McIrvin posted a lyrical hommage to Olaf Stapledon’s “Last and
First Men”.
2) “Stapledon” sounds sort of like “staplegun” if you stuff peanut butter
in your mouth and ears.
3) The Staplegunners must be a band or something, I don’t know. Somebody
better name their band this PRONTO or I’ll be mad that you ruined my
metarefs.
4) “The Ball Bearing Electro Circuit Memory Buster” and “Gnu Yak, Gnu Yak,
And Other Bestial Places” are titles that Universal Studios told Terry
Gilliam would be better than “Brazil”.
5) The addlepated studio head in charge of trying to destroy “Brazil” was
Sid Sheinberg, who also greenlighted a Lucasfilm project named “Howard The
Duck”.
6) Susan Olsen, who played the widdle Brady gal, allegedly refers to the
“Brady Bunch”’s obnoxious production executive, Howard Leeds, as “Howard
The Dick”.
BE CAREFUL NOT TO BREAK THE CHAIN. YOU SEE, YOU CAN ALMOST FIND A JOKE.
NOW, HERE’S ANOTHER:
100
PAT: TELL ME, MIKE, WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE?
MIKE: PAT, YOU HAVE ASKED ME A GOOD QUESTION. WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN
A BOTTLE?
PAT: I DON’T KNOW!
MIKE: I WOULD LIKE A BOWL OF GRITS NOW.
PAT: HOMINY?
MIKE: YOU CHOWDERHEAD, I SAID A BOWL.
PAT: BUT, HOMINY?
MIKE: WHAT ARE YOU, A LUNKHEAD? I SAID ONE BOWL!
PAT: HOMINY?
MIKE: HEY, LOOKIT THAT SIGN. IT SAYS “YOU MUST STICK POINTY THINGS UP YOUR
NOSE.” I BETTER POKE THESE KNITTING NEEDLES INTO MY BRAIN. YOWEE YOW
WOW!!!! THAT HURTS!
(PAT REMOVES HIS HAND WHICH WAS COVERING THE WORD “NOT”.)
MIKE: OH, NOW I SEE THAT I SHOULD _NOT_ HAVE STUCK POINTY THINGS UP MY
NOSE. BOY, IS MY FACE RED.
PAT: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!!
(DA DA DA DAAA DAAA DAAA, DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAAA!!!!)
-- K.
WHY ARE YOU MORONS SHOUTING?
DIAGRAM OF DIAGRAM:
FUNNY JOKE MAKE YOU
LAUGH BECAUSE ME
SMARTER THAN YOU SO
ME MAKE YOU LAUGH AND
YOU MAKE ME NOT LAUGH
ME HIT YOU FUNNY.
101
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.joe-bay,alt.gamera.is.friend.to.all.children
Subject: Re: Elvis and Kibo
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 09:43:37 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Michael Straight) wrote:
> ** TOP 10 SIMILARITIES BETWEEN KIBO AND ELVIS **
>
>10. Both pioneers in a medium the US Government has tried unsuccessfully
>
to regulate.
What do you mean, unsuccessfully? They’ve forced us to use COMPUTERS if we
want to use the INTERNET! What if we want to do it without taking jobs away
from PEOPLE?
> 9.
>
False rumors of Kibo’s death circulate while he is hiding out on
another planet to elude the IRS.
I’m hiding out on ANOTHER one now? Sheesh. Maybe I better just pick a
single planet and stop visiting all six Lagrange points in clockwise order.
(I’m drawing a fun shape with a winding-number fill, a spaceship, and a
ball of digital twine.)
> 8.
Host of bad impersonators crop up in Kibo’s absence.
Yeah, but I can do worse impersonations than anyone!
Here’s my Mr. Sulu from Star Trek:
(giggles girlishly) “I wuv Barney!”
And while we’re on the subject of Star Trek, here’s my Kirstie Alley:
“The average diameter of the event horizon of a black hole formed from the
merging of two other black holes is greater than or equal to the sums of
the diameters of the two event horizons.”
And here’s my Matt McIrvin:
“Kibo, your physics is perfectly accurate in all ways.”
> 7.
>
In the minds of many, Kibo is associated with B movies and alien
visitors.
In the minds of many others, he’s commutatable with them but only
associatable with the urinary minus.
I MADE A NUMBER THEORY JOKE, I MADE A NUMBER THEORY JOKE! NUMBER ONE!
> 6.
Dogs are Not Allowed at most Vegas nightclubs.
You spelled “VEGA$” wrong, a great insult to the legendary
Robert Urine.
102
Ladies and gentlemen, this post has developed an erudite theme!
My Charles Nelson Reilly:
“I said, WEE WEE!!!!”
ding ding ding ding ding
> 5. ASCII-art pictures of Kibo almost
> as cheesy as black velvet.
NEW Kraft Black Velvet Chicken Corn Soup!
It’s almost as cheesy as Kibo!
> 4. Hard-core fans replay Elvis’s hits
> over and over and over and over...
s
Whereas Kibo’s fan prefer to hit rec.org.mensa.
GET READY TO RUMBLE! (presses microphone to stomach)
> 3.
KIBO’S BEST IMPRESSION OF CHARLES NELSON REILLY.
Elvis’s signature was somewhat larger than average.
It was not. It was only one letter, “E”. The fact that it was made out of
bratwurst is beside the point, as this is the Internet, where the
government FORBIDS WORDS CONTAINING BRATWURST.
> 1.
>
Many fear that Kibo’s pelvis gyrations could precipitate the end of
western civilization.
True. How sadly true. SOMEDAY I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!
> 0.
>
Conspiracy theorists claim the whole “Elvis Phenomena” was created by
handlers
Preppy Guy: “Mr. Ron Hubbard, how can I *handle* life?”
L. Ron Hubbard: “Don’t ask me, I’m dead. Don’t smoke.”
Also you forgot that Elvis liked to watch nubile young
women wrestle in white cotton panties, but Kibo
prefers to participate.
While Elvis watches.
-- K.
GONZO FIDDLES WHILE GEORGE BURNS!
Aaaaaugh! It’s an R6 bank implant!
My engrams are playing tiddliwinks
with my body Thetans!
Help me, Kirstie Alley!
103
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.future.millennium
Subject: Re: EVOLUTION OF THE PLANETS...draft!
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 10:16:42 GMT
In alt.future.millennium, [email protected] wrote:
>
Sun - firy ball of gases constantly burning and shooting peices
>off!
And they are sharp and they can poke you in the brain ow!
>
Mercury - A ball of gas, perhaps from the sun. One peice flies
>off far enough and collects dust from space creating a moon like
>plant orbiting the sun. Hey isnt that the theory for the moon of
>our planet, earth! (Or is that a comet hit and a peice flew off...)
Also it’s crunchy with a creamy nougat center that tastes like Sir
Chomps-A-Lot only without the alligator wearing clothes on the can!
>same thing... maybe!
Or maybe it’s something completely different which is exactly alike!
>
So after eons this firy ball picks up more and more dust forming
>a solid crust, still subject to the ever changing gasious core,
>Venus.
And then another fiery ball forms around the gaseous crust, and then a
gaseous block of solid clouds forms around the crusty gas around the solid
ball of cubes, and then the ninker zoig lurzes the freen!
IN BED!!!!
(I win.)
>
Venus - Floating further away from the sun and subject to change,
>by seemingly random occurance tilts its axis so that it creates a
>day/night cycle.. and floats further decreasing tempurature, and
>increasing balance of gases to produce plant life and thus oxygen
>breathing life..... thats us here on Earth.
NO IT ISN’T!!!
>
Earth - now this is where it gets a little tricky cause now,
>Man shows up and we believe that we have this thing called free
>will! While it may seem like we make our own decisions, perhaps
>those ideas come from a grand source.... a light, perhaps a God!
>(another story) Anyway, man comes and creates all these things
104
>called technology.. while perhaps we started from a spiritual
>motive to share our evolution with our children, build pyramids,
>cause we undertand the significance! Soon technology drives by the
>emotion of greed and fame Man successfully pisses the living entity
>from which they came, Mother Earth!
Never piss on the Earth.
Some day it will develop sentience and piss on YOUUUUUUU!!!!
ABIAN SAYS:
WE MUST PISS ON VENUS TO GIVE IT A MORE EARTH-LIKE ODOR.
>
Now, She is a body, just like you.. with an immune system. We
>are like bacteria, we just want to live and multiply! And just
>like a bacteria, we learn to evolve to her immune system! Though
>she is almighty and powerfull and after a while builds up energy
>enough to wipe most of the thriving life off the planet.. including
>the parts she loves most! Leaving her body worn, dead and red...
>MARS.
I would like to point out that I am not deleting any text from the article
I’m quoting. It’s all here, folks. If it seems to have a certain lack of
logical coherence, that’s just because you’re looking at it with
foreshortening. It really makes complete sense.
>
Mars - well this one gets a little tricky.. here cause before the
>earth wipes the humans off, they come here and settle.. where we
>have problems cause One person controls the air, cause everything
>is dead!!! Though our seemingly brilliant technology of space
>travel and adaptability (which is the key to our realization that
>we can travel and the enlight ones head for plush virgin Venus) we
>decide that we need to just blow the planet up cause the people are
>rebelling (because of greater understanding or perhaps fear) and its
>worthless anyway! BOOOOOM!! A huge ball of hurricaning dust, with
>like 9 moons, Jupiter!!!
>
Jupiter... ???
>
>send me thoughts.. [email protected]
Jupiter, send me thoughts. Mork calling Jupiter, come in Jupiter...
(cheap laserium special effect as someone tunes a flute)
-- K.
KNOCK KNOCK.
Who’s there?
JUPITER.
Come in, Jupiter...
(ten trillion tons of superhot plasma
walk into the living room and fry us.)
105
Subject: Flight Atari 800 crashed and won’t reboot!
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:41:11 GMT
[from a submission to a FTP archive]
>From: [email protected] (sgzb1)
>Subject: Flight 800 Icon collection 1.0
>
>Thank You for downloading the FIGHT 800 Icon collection.
>
>--33% OF ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE FUND FOR THE FAMILIES OF
>THE FLIGHT 800 PASSENGERS.Bazooka ection will go to the downed twa
>flight 800 charity, which is dedicated to rebuilding the lives of those
>families
>
>Geneva To use these folders just move what you want into them or use the
>copy and paste method. [...]
Wow! Bazooka ection! I wanna see the bazooka ection!
FLIGHT 800 WAS DOWNED BY BAZOOKA UNCTION... FROM THE POPE!!!!
Oh, damn. I downloaded all these cool icons of people dying in a horrible
flaming fireball of death and they just turn out to be happy faces and
pictures of kitties. Well, fat chance of me having any pity on the victims
of this terrible tragedy, because THE ICONS SOMEONE COMMITTED IN THEIR NAME
ARE TOO PERKY!!!!
-- K.
It’s not sick humor, it’s sick shareware.
IF YOU THINK THIS POST WAS IN POOR TASTE YOU
ARE OBLIGATED TO SEND ME 33% OF YOUR BRAIN.
Screendump of the
contents of the icon
collection, arranged as
they were on arrival.
106
If that’s a gold
CD, I’d hate to see
what he uses for
“swirly lopsided
psychedelic CD”.
107
The schizoid little
MacOS face here
looks more like a
map of the
countries of BAP
and GEON.
That’s not a “Button”. That’s
a “Hamdinger”. (Notice it’s
next to the stinky cheese.)
108
But looking at it is presumably free.
Crashing a plane, on the other hand,
requires you to design some icons and
charge people for them.
As much as I feel sorry for the people who
were on TWA 800, and their families, I
gotta say this:
I think this guy blew up the plane JUST
TO SELL THESE ICONS.
109
Subject: Re: Friday Night TV
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 04:23:46 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Samantha Wilkinson) wrote:
>[email protected] (L. Shelton Bumgarner) writes:
>
>
>>Sabrina the
>>Teenage Witch is interesting, although she ain’t no Samatha.
>
^^^^^^^
>Lee, while you’re in your discovering-the-universe phase, maybe you
>could find out for me the causes for this disturbing trend of people
>dropping the “n” from Samantha. It’s gotten to the point that more
>people seem to misspell my name than spell it correctly. Is this coming
>from the same people who advocate the spellings “lite,” “e-z,” and
>”FUK”? I mean there are enough famous Samanthas -- Samantha Smith,
>Samantha Fox, the Samantha cited above, and (no, Alex, I didn’t forget)
>Samantha from “Who’s the Boss?” -- that people should be familiar with
>the name. S-A-M-A-N-T-H-A. Is that so hard?
>
>And it’s not pronounced “Bev” either.
Yeah, and Matt McIrvin is no Dick Sargent!
-- K.
However, he is Andy Capp.
Sam: “Oy! Don’t you ladder me tights!”
Matt: “Gor blimey, I was just trying’
to nick yer knickers.”
Date: Thu, 28 Nov 1996 05:21:55 GMT
Lines: 17
>I was living a charmed life of innocence, having erased all trace of this
>person from my head, until Sam went and reminded me. Now I’m getting all
>these painful memories of hearing unbelievably bad music blasting from
>other people’s rooms in my freshman dorm in late 1986. And the weird smell
>coming out of R__ S_______’s room.
110
You lived with ROD SERLING???????
No wonder he smelled rotten if it was 1986!
Someday JMS will smell like that, but that’ll be when the Olsen Twins are
writing the 4-d Pantone Hexachrome version of the Twilight Zone.
-- K.
He’s minty!
JMS = J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI, WRITER FOR THE LAST
INCARNATION OF THE COLOR “TWILIGHT ZONE”,
CREATOR OF “BABYLON 5”.
HE READS USENET, BUT NOT ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY.
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:43:45 GMT
>Herfh! Larry Suter in alt.religion.kibology spake thusly:
>
>: Beverage? Beverly Hills? Beverednesday? Mona?
>
>Yes, Larry-Alex, I can do that.
>
>I sat for almost a good five minutes trying to figger out what it was that
>was funny about the “It’s not pronounced ‘Bev’” part of SamaNtha’s post,
>and I think I may just have it.
Actually, see, Fresh Samantha was being facetious. All her friends know that
everyone calls her “Bev”, even her mother, Endora.
-- K.
Endora makes a stupid beeping noise
and holds up a crayon drawing of a
chicken when she gets mail.
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 07:42:19 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Paul A Sturm) wrote:
>Andrew S. “Gurk” Damick ([email protected]) wrote:
>
>:
--Gurk, and, in 2 years, this makes Kibo’s
>:
SECOND followup to one of my posts. Well,
>:
at least I’m not killfiled. (Yet.)
111
>
>Hah! I’ve only been posting for like, a month, and he’s responded to
>more of mine! Of course, it’s usually ridicule...
Knuckledragger! Two-planker! Dweeb! Delinquent!
-- K.
*pop*
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 04:01:42 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (L. Shelton Bumgarner) wrote:
>[email protected] (Paul A Sturm) wrote:
>
>>Andrew S. “Gurk” Damick ([email protected]) wrote:
>
>>:
--Gurk, and, in 2 years, this makes Kibo’s
>>:
SECOND followup to one of my posts. Well,
>>:
at least I’m not killfiled. (Yet.)
>
>>Hah! I’ve only been posting for like, a month, and he’s responded to
>>more of mine! Of course, it’s usually ridicule...
>
>I’ve decided there should be a term for starting a thread that causes
>Kibo to respond. The Usenet equvolent to a basketball “Assist.”
“Saying something ST00PID.”
-- K.
“Hah, hah!” - Nelson Mandela
Unrelated picture:
One of many CLEVER postcards sent
out, by the parent company of one of
my employers, to their important clients
this year. Serendipitiously, because
someone hadn’t heard of
monospaced fonts now you know
how to draw an ASCII cow with an
imploded rectum! CUL8er, DØØDZ!
112
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.humor.puns
Subject: FUNNY FUNNY PUN
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 09:51:53 GMT
Als Rita Heet wordt en Ali Kan niet, dan Wil Orson Wel’us.
A real knee-slapper, eh? Just pretend you’re in Holland and time stopped
around 1943, so that you can envision Orson Welles boffing Rita Hayworth.
ENVISION IT! ENVISION IT! FASTER, ORSON, FASTER!
Here’s a diagram I found on some web page about, um, fabric:
Als(If) Rita(Rita) Heet wordt= Hay( t )worth(gets hot) en(and)
Ali(Ali) kan=Khan niet (can not), dan(then) wil(will)
Orson(Orson) Wel’us(Welles/es=us) (sometimes).
Those Dutch are so wacky, just like all the other parts of Scandinavia!
-- K.
FATTER, ORSON, FATTER!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.lycra
Subject: Re: future clothing
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 09:16:06 GMT
Matt and I like to compete to see who can do the
best impression of Maurice “Brain” LaMarche’s
impression of Orson Welles eating a fish stick and
saying, “Yes, oh, YES!” (Matt usually wins.)
In rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated, [email protected] wrote:
>
Why is it when I watch “future” shows no one ever wears jeans?
You know what ruins it for me? Nobody ever wears baggy Tyvek clean-room
suits under overly tight Lycra/spandex luge suits with live bees and lime
Jell-O inside.
-- K.
They had cherry Jell-O on “The Avengers”, but
that doesn’t count because it wasn’t a SERIOUS show.
Left: Dave Foley gets
a big laugh on
“NewsRadio”.
Right: More wacky
hijinks on “Ellen”!
113
Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Gas Inflation - Severe Torture
Date: Sat, 7 Sep 1996 05:43:14 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Big Cheese) wrote:
>Woodwork <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
>>> Learned of a Gas Inflation torture used in Guatamala at torture
>>> centers where the victim is bent over a table and bound by all fours.
>.....
>>>
>>You mean natural gas? Sure sounds deadly to me, especially if they
inflate until the
>>skin ruptures. Seems like the innards would already have been damaged
and the gas
>>would be in the bloodstream, rushing merrily along to the brain.
>
>Allegedly the Mexican cops use a simpler method. Holding the victim’s
>head in place they shake up a bottle of soda, thumb over the mouth,
>then force the foam up the victim’s nose. When the locals see the
>cops come in with a crate of soda pop, they start lining up to confess
>anything that’s going.
Of course, here in these United States, we use Orbitz.
-- K.
NO! NOT THE LITTLE WHITE
SQUISHY BALLS! *GASP*
Subject: Re: GREAT DEAL - BONDAGE ROPE KIT!
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:33:56 GMT
In alt.sex>, [email protected] (Kelly) wrote:
>Are you a kinky person looking to spice up your vanilla sex life by
>experimenting with bondage? Are you an experienced SM practitioner
>looking for a quality set of ropes? Then check this out!
>
>
Basic Kit contains:
>
- four 12’ ropes (perfect for hogtying, tying to beds and
>
other objects, and female gential bondage)
>
- eight 6’ ropes (work well for tying wrists, knees, elbows,
114
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
-
and ankles, as well as male genital bondage and tying to
spreader bars)
all ropes are 100% washed cotton (soft and gentle on skin,
flexible, easily cleaned, and holds knots well)
3/16” diameter good for general bondage use
neatly sewn whip stiched ends prevent fraying
rope centers are marked with whip stiched twine for easier
and neater knot tying
colored twine used for whip stiching allows length of rope
to be known with just a glance
$20 plus $5 for shipping
“What? Never had bondage sex? I’ll show you the ropes for $20.”
Of course, $20 ropes for ‘gential’ bondage (as opposed to
gentile bondage) are so much better than just pieces of rope
some Internet loozer cuts up with his Daffy Duck scissors in
his basement while wanking into the joystick ports of his C-64
and dreaming that some day he might tie a scarf over the front
of a woman’s mouth to render her completely silent just like on TV!
-- K.
WOW! THE ROPES ARE COLOR-CODED!!!!!!!!!!
GIF! GIF! GIF!
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.pictures.bodyart,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: How do I make/collect pheromones? R there an “household” methods to do that?
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 03:41:10 GMT
In alt.binaries.pictures.bodyart, Someone <[email protected]> wrote:
>How do I make/collect pheromones? R there an “household” methods to do
>that?
First, you need to run down to your local hobby store and buy one of those
special racks to display your pheromone collection.
Second, you have to stalk wild pheromones with a butterfly net. Pheromones
can usually be found hanging out at the Rennaisance Phere, but sometimes to
catch one you have to chase it all the way to the pheroMoon.
Third, keep all your duplicates. Find another person who collects
pheromones and sell him your extra for some big pheromoney. It no time at
all you’ll have a pheromonopoly on pheromones, and girls will do ANYTHING
to see them!!!
-- K.
P.S. or you could try not bathing.
115
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: I wish I wish for my evil little wish to come true.
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:38:24 GMT
EVIL CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!
I wish I could be one of those super-cool guys who rode around in the
eyeball of the giant cardboard grouper on “Stingray”. Except with my luck
I’d get stuck on the wrong channel and be Tintin and have DORK HAIR. So
maybe I’d better wish to be the nefarious Dr. Smith so that I could go
around harassing little Billy Mumy. He’s nine, you know. Or I could be all
five of the Power Rangers AND Dr. Doom AND I’d eat evil flavors of Mentos
and change my name to Dr. Doomento AND I’d go around kicking the crap out
of Dick Clark and the late Wolfman Jack, just like the Cylons tried to do!
Or I could be AN EVIL CREATION OF ALEX TOTH!!!!!
[If Mike Jittlov were here, he’d explain who
Alex Toth is. But he isn’t, so you’ll have to
make up something. So there. I’m so evil!]
-- K.
I’ve already got the space helmet with
two kinds of horns and orange hip boots!
CAN YOU SPOT THE HITLER CLONE?
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.louis-nick
Subject: Re: I wish I wish for my evil little wish to come true.
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 01:56:21 GMT
(‘Jesse Garon’) wrote:
>[email protected] (Louis Nick III) writes:
>
>>James “Kibo” Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>Or I could be AN EVIL CREATION OF ALEX TOTH!!!!!
>>
^^^^
>>>[If Mike Jittlov were here, he’d explain who Alex Toth is. But he isn’t, so
>>>you’ll have to make up something. So there. I’m so evil!]
>
>>YM “Lazlo.” HTH.
>
>No, if he’d misspelled “Lazlo”, “Toth” would be a misspelled “Kovacs,”
>and then Kibo would be Jean-Paul Belmondo.
^^^^^^^^^
116
YM “Buzz”. HTH WITH EXTRA CHLORINE.
-- K.
P.S. You got your matter in my antimatter!
Subject: Re: I wish I wish for my evil little wish to come true.
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:47:04 GMT
(Gharlane of Eddore) wrote:
>We deign to take note of the fact that, once again, Kibo is neglecting
>to take his medication.
If that’s true, then tell me how I know that Mike Jittlov says you’re
fifty-five pixels tall.
-- K.
I’m sixty-six pixels tall, like
everyone else. Except Gharlane.
This is very bad grammar, so?
Subject: I’m depressed. No more Star Wars.
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 09:07:57 GMT
I just realized that because I killed the evil
General “I’ve Got A Wide Wide Head” Mohc in a recent game of
Dark Forces, they can never ever make another Star Wars movie.
In fact, I’ve killed him a few times, so that means even if
they did make a movie, they’d have to make it several times
because I’ve already cancelled it out in five parallel universes!
I guess we better all write in to get them to make that
SeaQuest film. I wonder if Roy Scheider still hates me.
Heh heh, the guy at the left got shot in
the BUTT, Bob!
-- K.
And you just thought “I’ve Got A Wide Wide
Head” was Jay Leno’s fifteen minutes of tedious
comedy involving a cylinder lens.
Mascot for my favorite Dark Forces page, http://www.muzik.com/ryloth/
117
Subject: Re: If Boursy had written Star Trek IV...
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 07:15:20 GMT
Reposted without modification from alt.usenet.kooks.
-- K. <-- THIS IS THE END OF
THE PART I TAKE CREDIT FOR
-- begin quoted material by David Sewell -- <-- ATTRIBUTION LINE
[email protected] (David Sewell) wrote: <-- ANOTHER
[originally posted to news.admin.censorship, etc., but I forgot
to crosspost it here.]
Scene: A city bus in San Francisco.
seats near the rear of the bus.
KIRK and SPOCK board, and take
Pan to PUNK seated nearby with boombox, blasting loud, dissonant rock
music, looking around defiantly at other riders.
SPOCK [leaning toward PUNK]: Excuse me, could you please turn the
volume down?
PUNK glares at SPOCK and turns the volume up even higher.
SPOCK calmly stretches hand out to PUNK’s neck and applies a Vulcan
Nerve Pinch. PUNK slumps over, and in doing so hits the power button
on the radio. Cut music.
Applause and cheers from everyone on the bus.
Except...
Pan to SECRET AGENT B. toward front of bus, surreptitiously looking
back at KIRK and SPOCK and speaking quickly into a cellular phone.
Cut to outside traffic. After a few moments, flashing lights appear
and sirens are heard. Dozens of police squad cars, unmarked patrol
cars, and helicopters surround bus. Shouts and screams as a horde of
FBI agents, CIA agents, Pinkerton guards, retired Nicaraguan Contras,
and Tsarist secret police storm the bus, carrying automatic rifles,
.45 handguns, grenades, tasers, phasers, lasers, masers, maize,
Mazola, and Shinola. All surround SPOCK, weapons pointed.
CHIEF FBI AGENT [to SPOCK]: Thought you could get away with your
little cancel game again, did you? Well, listen up, pointy ears: I
don’t care how big a muckety-muck you are on whatever planet you come
from, but you’re on Earth now, and down here we call tricks like ours
... [pause for effect] ... PINCERSHIP!!
118
Various agents handcuff KIRK and SPOCK and begin leading them off the
bus. Before they reach the door, SECRET AGENT B. rises and confronts
SPOCK.
SECRET AGENT B. [sneering]: Pincerious scum! No one has the right
to render someone unconscious! You belong in jail!
KIRK and SPOCK are dragged off the bus.
up.
Pan to PUNK, groggily waking
PUNK [taking in all the chaos]: CO-ool! [Turns boombox back on to
full volume. Close-up of him grinning and snapping head in time to
music.] FADE to long shot of American flag, bald eagle, Superman
flying over Metropolis, and Gilbert Stuart painting of George
Washington. PUNK’s music fades, replaced by the strains of “The
Freedom Knights’ Polka”.
END. Credits.
[Oh yeah, and in this version, the whales die, too. -DS]
-David Sewell * [email protected]
| “Where the earth is ry, the
Dep’t of Geosciences, Univ. of Arizona
| soul is wisest and est.”
WWW: http://packrat.aml.arizona.edu/~dsew/
|
-Heraclitus
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks
Subject: Re: If Boursy had written Star Trek IV...
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 1996 07:49:44 GMT
In alt.religion.kibology <[email protected]>,
[email protected] (David Sewell) wrote:
>
>I wouldn’t be on the Net if it weren’t for Kibo. I wouldn’t
>know how to use a computer if it weren’t for Kibo. I wouldn’t
>even be able to write if it weren’t for Kibo. I wouldn’t even
>be able to focus my eyes if it weren’t for Kibo. For before
>Usenet was, test patterns on television were, and I used
>to stare and stare and stare at them until they resolved
>into the Face of Kibo, and I knew my mission in life at
>the age of three.
>
>Also, there wouldn’t be kooks on the Usenet if it weren’t for Kibo,
>either.
(continued)
119
I hereby nominate David Sewell as Usenet Kook Of The Month
for having the audacity to claim that Kibo is in any way
responsible for Usenet kooks.
-- K.
OOK! OOK! OOK! K! DILUTE! DILUTE!
Subject: ISO-5869000
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 10:05:17 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 0415 centons, 31 microns
Please note: in order to be ISO-5869000 compliant, from now on, all units
of measurement will be in the “Galactica 1997” system:
OLDER
-----hour
minute
pound
kilowatt
gallon
byte
area
unit
OLD
-----centon
micron
kilon
megon
litron
daton
metron
uniton
NEW
-----houron
munite
loadon
Cookie Puss
Fudgy The Whale
indenton
areola
thing
This is the post that moved me to put “XBattlestar-Galactica-Date:” headers in all
my news and mail from this day forward.
(Most of these headers are omitted from these
reprints for clarity, because it’s a STUPID
standard and I wish I weren’t required to be
ISO compliant under pain of death.)
If you don’t use these, Ensign Greenbean will refuse to talk to you, as
will Dr. Zee and his evil twin brother, Dr. Zed.
-- K.
OLDER
Luke Skywalker
OLD
Dirk Benedict
NEW
Duke Fakewalker
P.S. THERE IS NO NEWSGROUP FOR
“BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” SO NOBODY’S
ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT ME.
120
Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.sex.enemas,alt.religion.kibology
Reply-To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Keeping Sub Alive By Enemas Without Eating ?
Date: Sat, 21 Sep 1996 07:22:32 GMT
In [alt.torture,alt.sex.enemas], [email protected] wrote:
>Is it possible to keep somebody alive without eating using liquid
>food enemas (and pumping out liquid waste from time to time) ?
>If this is possible, would a six-pack of Ensure a day be enough ?
I D0NT N0 BUTT I H0PE U TAKE IT 0UT 0F THE CANZ FIRST !!!!11
-- Y0U”RE FREIND,,,
-- Nelson 0TBIFF !!!!1
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.enemas,alt.torture
Subject: Re: Keeping Sub Alive By Enemas Without Eating ?
Date: Mon, 23 Sep 1996 07:16:14 GMT
In [alt.sex.enemas,alt.torture] DrK <[email protected]> wrote:
>As a “medical professional” myself I will tell you that in fact Ensure is not a
>”supplement” but in fact given in appropriate calorie amounts is nutritionally complete
>when given via a feeding tube inserted into the stomach or upper small intestine. Those
>ads about all the old people drinking it for the vitamins between rounds of golf is a
>marketing ploy - nobody who eats really needs it.
Actually, the real reason everyone drinks it is for the lovely taste, which
is like Wesson Oil with sawdust and iron filings.
But to get the tube into the *upper* small intestine, how do you get it
past the *lower* small intestine and the whole large intestine?
My guess is that first you stretch the patient out until the entire G.I.
tract is linear, like the paper path in those old Kodak copiers.
-- K.
(Only feed your patient Hammermill paper.)
121
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.internet
Subject: Re: Kibo
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 03:30:57 GMT
[email protected] (Peter Barltrop) wrote:
>Did you know that in the many hundreds of books on the internet I have,
>Kibo is in all of them.
You’ve been shopping at the Discount Remainder House O’ Values again,
haven’t you?
Be sure to pick up the audiocassette of my latest, “Lose Weight The
Cyberspace Way While Thinking About Star Trek And Cats”, read aloud by the
late Yul Brynner!
-- K.
I buy all MY computer books at
the supermarket.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.fetish.startrek
Subject: Re: Kibo
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 03:35:07 GMT
>Peter Barltrop wrote:
>>
>> Did you know that in the many hundreds of books on the internet I have,
>> Kibo is in all of them.
>
>And guess what? I looked through the hundreds of books I have on how to
>graze sheep and sustain agriculture whilst orbiting in a space station
>with zero gravity and HE WASN’T IN A SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!
You’re wrong. Read the captions below all the nude photos of Marina Sirtis
and Claudia Christian in “The Zero-G Kama Sutra”. I realize the sheep are
in one of the other chapters, which I haven’t read, but so what? Claudia
Christian’s going around the world.
-- K.
(Sirtis insisted on wearing a zero-G string in some of the “nude” photos.)
122
Subject: Re: Kibo
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 1996 09:13:33 GMT
Linda Dietrich <[email protected]> wrote:
>Forgive my ignorance, but I’m new to this ng...
>
>Who/What the heck is Kibo?
Oh, I here he;s some looser.
-- *.
One of Kibo’s many TV appearances, as a walk-on
in street clothes. For five dollars, name the show!
123
Subject: Re: Kibo is a myth!
In article <[email protected]>, “Hutnik, Richard”
>There was never a person named Kibo. Such a being is a myth created
>by some political figures somewhere to repress their peons...
“Please, darling, peon envy is out of season!”
-- Jane Badler, “The Story Of V”
(Boop boop boop beep beep boop) “Don’t you repress my peons!”
-- Ruth Buzzi, “Far-Out Spacenik Land Of The Lost Saucer”
“You see, splitting the croutons with a stream of futons yields
a beam of polarized, repressed peons...”
-- Matt McIrvin, “Science 101”, prestigious Harvard U.
“Kibo is a myth! Myth!” “Yeth?”
-- Jim Henson’s funniest joke ever
(clap clap) “Pe-on!” (clap clap) “Pe-off!” (clap clap) “The Peer!”
-- third-graders EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! EVER!!!!
ESCAPE FROM THIRD GRADE IS NOT POSSIBLE! POSSIBLE!
POSSIBLE! ECHO! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! PEONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
I’m not just a peon, I’m also a serf!
Have you repressed your hairpiece today?
WARNING:
THE NEXT PAGE CONTAINS
FILLER
124
Subject: Re: Kibo’s day
Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 09:25:28 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Matt Reading) wrote:
>I don’t know about any of you... but I would like to know what Kibo does all
>day (besides refine his .sig and post usenet messages)?!
I practice writing the alphabet. Occasionally I have to stick my hands in
toxic waste or explain to someone why red text doesn’t print right on the
black and white printers.
-- K.
He said, “But I _am_ using black _and_
white, but why won’t the red print?”
FILLER
to replace some text which
was censored by the NCSA, a
secret government
organization that put a back
door into “rot-13”
Subject: Re: Kibo’s last post (m/spot/snuff/eco)
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 10:30:01 GMT
(Louis Nick III) wrote:
>>
-- K.
>>
I *could* write a better snuff story than
>>
anyone else on Usenet, ‘cept I don’t wanna.
>>
And it would have me and Claudia Christian
>>
in it, but we wouldn’t kill each other.
>>
We’d kill... YOUUUUU!!!!
>
>Umberto Eco points out in his _Postscript to The Name of The Rose_ that
>[...]
125
I preferred his _Postscript To The Name Of The Rose_ to his _TrueType of
Focault’s Pendulum_, even if it was a soap opera about the exciting lives
of type designers such as Gudrun Zapf von Hesse, Aldus Manutius (and his
sarcastic sidekick, Griffy) and Claude “At The Inside Of His Coffin After
They Buried Him” Garamond.
-- K.
Actually, that was REALLY
John Baskerville, and he wasn’t
allowed to have a coffin because
he MAY have been AGNOSTIC.
Five cents to the first person
who knows how much it cost to
look at Baskerville’s
mummified corpse!
Baskerville died in 1775, and was “buried”
standing up in a windmill. But, in his will, he
expressed doubts about the Bible’s veracity, so
when the windmill had to be torn down, they
didn’t bother burying him. He eventually
wound up behind the counter of the local
plumber, and was only interred in the late
1800s. (See Rookledge’s International
Handbook of Type Designers for more.)
Subject: Re: Kibo’s last post (m/spot/snuff/eco)
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 05:10:06 GMT
As far as the stuff about Umberto Eco’s
Focault’s Pendulum, um, you’d better just read
the book, then study Italian Renaissance
printing for a few years, then read some comic
books, so you can draw the diagram:
Belbo > Bembo > Aldus > Griffo > Griffy > Zippy.
>>
Five cents to the first person
>>
who knows how much it cost to
>>
look at Baskerville’s
>>
mummified corpse!
>
>I always though it was free, but if the barker took a likin’ to ya,
>he’d demand to cop a feel.
That was Eric Gill, not Baskerville, and it
was only if you had a puppy in your pants.
-- K.
Berthold
You’re gonna think I’m making all this up, but
legend has it that Gill (certainly a randy fellow;
ever see his erotic drawings?) liked dogs. I mean
REALLY LIKED dogs. Ewwww. (The
“puppy in your pants” is a reference to a 1980
Saturday Night Live episode with Bruce Dern.)
Baskerville
Gill Sans
Monotype
Book
Medium
126
PUNY EARTHLINGS! YOUR PRIMITIVE
"USENET" COMMUNICATIONS ARE NO
MATCH FOR OUR MENTAL TELEPATHY!
YOU MUST OBEY! YOU WILL
MAKE.MONEY.FAST! MAKE.MONEY.FAST!
127
Why alt.religion.kibology is better than the Web.
Actual cartoons
used to advertise
Orbitz. Really.
128
Subject: Re: kibology
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 08:53:01 GMT
>What’s kibology?
>-------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====---------------------->
http://www.dejanews.com/
Search, Read, Post to Usenet
Kibology allows you to post to DejaNews *from* Usenet!
It only costs a little more than using DejaNews.
-- K.
Also it does NOT require the
full rectal examination!
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:58:58 GMT
>
>>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
>
>>>What’s kibology?
>
>Kibology is ...
>
>- the faint taste of lipstick in a shared glass of red wine...
Priscilla Presley’s white lipstick on a glass of Hi-C Ecto Cooler.
>- the distant sound of a saxophone on a wet street at night...
...being dragged from the back bumper of a car.
>- the smell of seaweed on an old pair of rubber boots...
Hey, take it to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.latex!
I’ve never heard of that group, but you should take it there, and post lots
n
of pictures of Claudia Christia wearing it.
129
>- the sound of one hand clapping (IYKWIM, AITYD)...
You see, when a Zen Master uses the Clapper, the light is not on, and the
light is not off.
>- the joy of rescuing a gecko from the swimming pool...
Or the enguin from the ool. Notice there is no ‘p’ in my pool.
>- an accidental glimpse of a woman’s breast in a plumbing accessories store...
It’s THE HOLY POSTER of Farrah Faucet!
I hear her hair is bionic.
>- the second gin and tonic on an overnight flight to Perth...
...by way of the South Pole, so the flight took six months, and it snowed
all summer because you’re on the WRONG SIDE OF THE EARTH and rain falls UP
and everyone sleeps on the roof of Snoopy’s doghouse and says “badbye”
instead of “hello” instead of “goodbye” and Kirstie Alley is Albert
Einstein!!!
>- the sound of bees on a warm day in an abandoned cemetery...
...making honey inside the partially decomposed skull of Sterling Holloway.
>- writing a song at the beach in the rain...
>- meeting an old friend in a strange town...
*yawn* How cliche’. How about
discovering the fourth primary color... in your pants.
meeting an old friend... who’s been living inside Sterling Holloway’s
partially decomposed skull with Sterling Hayden and Hulk Hogan.
THIS IS A GAME OF TRIBOND!
Matt McIrvin will diagram the steps in my syllogism.
>- playing the 12-string guitar bit of “Stairway to Heaven” that nobody knows..
...or better yet, playing a random 12-string guitar mess and telling
everyone it’s the part that nobody knows. Then do it all day in Park Street
Under and kick bottles at people.
>- finding some money in an old pair of trousers...
>- waking up and remembering it’s Saturday...
>
>... or possibly not.
Dibs on not.
-- K.
MEASLES ON ED BEGLEY JR.!
aka “Ensign Greenbean”!
130
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 05:23:59 GMT
[email protected] (Rose Marie Holt) wrote:
>> THIS IS A GAME OF TRIBOND!
>
>Tribond is our traditional family Thanksgiving game, at least until this
>year because my 8 year old whipped all our butts. Next year - TWISTER!
>
>Kibo, Motorcycles, and Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Chunk Ice Cream.
Doesn’t make any sense to me; I don’t see how the ice cream could be using
a V-Twin engine.
-- K.
This will NOT be selected as one of
the best posts of the year, so:
Antonio Sabato Jr., Preparation H, and toilet paper.
GUESS
WHO
LIED!
131
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.fetish.latex
Subject: Re: Urgent letter for Kibo
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 05:38:39 GMT
In alt.religion.kibology, [email protected] (Samantha Wilkinson) wrote:
>Dear Mr. Kibo:
>
>The other day while in the supermarket I saw a display of Banana
>Keepers (patent pending). Please tell me how the Banana Hanger you
>described a while back compares with this competing model.
>[...deedle...]
>Please provide me with a comparison of the two, as well as any other
>appliances and gadgets I may potentially be interested in, in a format
>similar to that in which you evaluated the Dr. Pepper knock-offs,
>except funnier.
They’re the same stupid plastic thing. The Hanna-Barbera Banana Hanger and
the Harcourt Brace Banana Hangar and the Hanging Banana Benny Hiller and
the Handy Banana Handle Bannister. And stuff.
Also a pig fell in a mud puddle. <-- THIS MAKES IT “FUNNY”
>PS Are you cute? I hope you’re cute because I have a crush on you but
>Ida Marie who sits in the next cubicle over said that she heard that
>you’re not cute, so I threw my stapler at her, and then she tried to
>strangle me with her telephone cord and then our supervisor came over
>and got really mad and made us stay after work to do extra photocopying
>and she (our supervisor, not Ida Marie) said that if we didn’t Cut It
>Out Right Now, we would be sent home for some personal time - without
>pay! So, maybe you could send us a picture. You don’t have to be naked
>or anything. How ‘bout that one of you in the latex body suit?
MATT, STOP SHOWING SAM MY SECRET DIARY ABOUT MY “CRUSH”
ON CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN!
^secret pun
And besides, it’s properly called a _catsuit_. Because it has feet, and
cats have feet.
-- K.
Will you settle for a photo with a gas
mask, a giant bowl of oatmeal, and the
cotton rope Starter Kit tied to a Banana Hanger?
DARE you TURN the PAGE?
132
Subject: - Kibo_CC2.JPG (0/2) Urgent letter from Kibo (was: Urgent letter for Kibo)
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 07:52:01 GMT
X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.3.1
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Samantha Wilkinson) wrote:
>PS Are you cute? I hope you’re cute because I have a crush on you but
>Ida Marie who sits in the next cubicle over said that she heard that
>you’re not cute, so I threw my stapler at her, and then she tried to
>strangle me with her telephone cord and then our supervisor came over
>and got really mad and made us stay after work to do extra photocopying
>and she (our supervisor, not Ida Marie) said that if we didn’t Cut It
>Out Right Now, we would be sent home for some personal time - without
>pay! So, maybe you could send us a picture. You don’t have to be naked
>or anything. How ‘bout that one of you in the latex body suit?
Sam,
Attached is a photo of me and my lovely and talented wife,
Claudia Christian. In the other one she’s wearing the latex suit.
-- K.
Kibo_cc.jpg to follow.
Assuming this newsreader works
like those cool UNIX ones.
133
Subject: Re: Marriage: No. 3? Advice from KIBO Sought
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 04:27:07 GMT
>Prior to becoming a Kibologist, I took some responsibility for the failure
>of the two marriages. Now I am at one with all under KIBO and recognize
>the first husband cheated and the second one stole.
>
>Is it possible to have these marriages annulled?
I HEREBY ANNULL ALL MARRIAGES, EVERYWHERE.
-- K.
THE END!
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 07:28:58 GMT
[email protected] (Richard Morse) wrote:
>
>> [email protected] wrote:
>
>>>Prior to becoming a Kibologist, I took some responsibility for the failure
>>>of the two marriages. Now I am at one with all under KIBO and recognize
>>>the first husband cheated and the second one stole.
>>>
>>>Is it possible to have these marriages annulled?
>>
>>I HEREBY ANNULL ALL MARRIAGES, EVERYWHERE.
>>
>>
-- K.
>>
THE END!
>
>What are the implications of this if we aren’t already married?
>
>Does this mean that no new marriages will be allowed, since all marriages
>are annulled? Or does this just mean that all old marriages are annulled?
As a high priest of Kibology, I am in legal possession of the power to
marry people.
134
Therefore, I declare you married to Happy Days’ lovely and talented Erin Moran!
-- K.
P.S. I loved you on the first
season of “Space:1999”.
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1996 06:46:08 GMT
>[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) expostulated:
>
>
>>As a high priest of Kibology, I am in legal possession of the power to
>>marry people.
>
>>Therefore, I declare you married to Happy Days’ lovely and talented Erin Moran!
>
>JEALOUS! JEALOUS! JEALOUS! JEALOUS! JEALOUS! JEALOUS!
>
>...But still stayin’ CoooooL.
Old Bald Richie Cunningham: Gee willikers, Fonzie, now that I’m almost
seventeen I’d better figure out who to take to the sock hop.
Old Unhappy Fonzie: Ehhhhhhhhh. Sit... on it... ehhhhhhhhhhhh.
Then the camera zooms in on the words “SIT ON IT” painted ten feet tall on
the wall of Arnold’s, and everyone does a dance medley of “The Hustle” and
“Love To Love Ya Baby”.
-- K.
Jeepers, Fonzie, am I a nerd?
And what about my character?
135
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.conspiracy
Subject: Re: Me.
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 06:39:37 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Paul A Sturm) wrote:
>I was just wondering what my Kibonumber was. I got mail from Ian York
>(he was pretty miffed...) and so I’m whatever he is plus one...
What if you look him up and it says he’s “TOTAL LOSER MINUS ONE”?
He’s probably not, but if you are, boy will you look stupid. Like the time
I glued my hands to the cat. At work.
>And one other thing. DejaNews sez you guys rilly talk about me a lot.
>Does that mean I’m a reel Kibologist??
There are no real Kibologists. We’re all actually a conspiracy of
scientists and doctors to hide the truth about THE KOOL-AID PITCHER from
you. He is our dark overlord. Now we must drink his rubine lifeblood.
-- K.
kay eye bee oh yeah!!!!
Subject: Re: Most unique BBS I’ve called.
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 09:28:31 GMT
For a few months, for some reason, Matt’s
posts developed an odd.signature.
Everyone teased him about it. (Eventually
I found the broken file in /var/news/spool
that was doing it and we had the staff
In article <[email protected]>, remove it. Now he owes me $50.)
>(Nick S Bensema) wrote:
>
>> Any of you ever BBS in the 80’s?
>
>I hung out on some BBSs in the Washington, DC metro area, then later
>around Williamsburg, Virginia.
>
>My very early explorations were with my father’s Compaq (I never got a
>modem for my Atari 800). I had a RAD-1-Q00L handle; I called myself “Matt
>Muon.” I blush to recount this.
Matt, someday I’m going to type in my TermiNet 1200 logs from all the
stuff you wrote to the “Walkie-Talkie Simulator” there...
136
>Then, later, I prowled various BBSs in Williamsburg and CD for Atari ST
>software; around DC I could actually find some. I remember a lot of sysops
>who instituted brutal upload/download ratio restrictions, and posted
>frequent pleas for somebody to please use the message board.
I keep wishing I could use my massage board!!!
>->Matt McIrvin
<http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/>
>->Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com
>Path: mmcirvin
>Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 22:18:42 -0400
>From: [email protected] (Matthew J. McIrvin)
Ladies and gentlemen,
from now on,
whenever we see the SPECIAL .signature,
we will sing the SPECIAL song:
[disco beat and laser gun noises]
He’s SPECIAL
Matt’s SPECIAL
He’s so very SPECIAL
with his SPECIAL .sig
and his SPECIAL hair
he’s truly SPECIAL
oo oo oo
[more laser gun noises]
He’s SPECIAL
not just NORMAL,
So SPECIAL!
He’s SPECIAL!
SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!
oo oo oooooooooo!
oo oo oooooooooo!
oo oo oooooooooooooooo... SPECIAL!
Self-portrait
by Matt.
Later you’ll
read Kibo’s
masterpiece, a
TV script for
THE
SPECIAL
SHOW.
It’s so special
even Matt likes
it, and he
doesn’t like
normal stuff.
Subject: Re: Most unique BBS I’ve called.
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 10:25:25 GMT
(Carlos May) wrote:
>James “Kibo” Parry ([email protected]) sang:
>
>: He’s SPECIAL
>: Matt’s SPECIAL
137
>: He’s so very SPECIAL
>: with his SPECIAL .sig
>: and his SPECIAL hair
>: he’s truly SPECIAL
>: oo oo oo
>: [more laser gun noises]
>: He’s SPECIAL
>: not just NORMAL,
>: So SPECIAL!
>: He’s SPECIAL!
>: SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL!
>: oo oo oooooooooo!
>: oo oo oooooooooo!
>: oo oo oooooooooooooooo... SPECIAL!
>
>Um, sorry... but I’m reading this in LYNX, so I can’t hear the
>melody! (I can’t see what color the letters are in either. Wah!)
>Could you please phone me up and hum what tune is this is supposed
>to go to? Until then, I’ll just sing it to the notes of “If You
>Don’t Shake You Don’t Get No Cake”, Okay?
It’s to the tune of Gerry & Sylvia Anderson’s “U.F.O.”.
Imagine a .GIF of a big flashing “1980!!!” in the middle of your screen,
and you’re wearing a Nehru jacket, doing the twist, and driving a bubble
car, like everyone did back in the eighties.
Also my lovely wife, Claudia Christian, is wearing a silver catsuit and a
purple wig, and we’re ON THE MOON!!!!
IN BED!!!!
ON THE MOOOOOOON!!!!
-- K.
My REAL life is even MORE exciting
than my FANTASY life! WOW!!!!!!!!!
138
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Sean Smith) wrote:
>Wanted to find out some info on holding our kids’ birthday parties at the
>Computer Museum. Called up their web page. Found mail link to the
>special functions office.
>Sent e-mail inquiry.
>Message was returned, citing “user unknown.”
What’s worse is that they won’t let you walk all over the giant keyboard
after the museum’s closed unless you take off your boots first. (Dig up the
issue of the Herald from a year or two ago with the photo of me sitting on
it and notice that I’m wearing stupid-looking socks.)
I always like going through the Computer Museum and thinking up a different
insult for each exhibit:
“Ooh, I can walk through an actual Pentium being simulated by a Mac running
fake Hypercard, unless it’s crashed like all the other ‘interactive’
Supercard exhibits.”
“Ooh, there’s a TRS-80 Model I, I could buy one at a garage sale for less
than the cost of admission.”
“Ooh, the bookstore has Canter & Siegel’s book. Hope they didn’t overstock!”
“Ooh, a nine-foot-tall Tinkertoy machine that can play tic-tac-toe. Don’t
they know you can build one out of matchboxes and jelly beans?”*
“Ooh, an actual hologram, and not just a PICTURE of one.”
And then there’s the height-measuring computer (“You are one foot two
inch-es tall. Just kid-ding. You are real-ly nine feet fif-teen inch-es
tall.”) that Dan DiNicola couldn’t outsmart.**
My favorite exhibit is the robotic arm that can spell your name out in
blocks, unless your name involves the block it dropped and lost, or unless
you name has more than two of the same letter. (hot tip: dirty words rarely
do.)
But the roomful of zoetropes at the Children’s Museum is better because you
can twirl around and say, “HELP, I’M SURROUNDED BY ZOETROPES!”
-- K.
WELL, I AM!!!!!
* It’s a heuristic algorithm -- you eat a bean for each branch of the
decision tree that took you to the last losing game, and the number of
remaining beans determines the probability of each branch. Surely someone
else out there knows about these from Scientific American circa 1961.
** A very special episode of the syndicated “DiNicola’s World” that you can
buy from a local TV station in Schenectady.
On that day, the Boston Herald covered the murder of Jeff Dahmer (page 2) and Dan Quayle formally
declaring he wouldn’t run for President (page 7 or something, I don’t recall.) The photo of moi filled the entire
lower half of the front page. I think that this proves that the Herald editors write on pads of pure hemp.
Subject: Re: My Correspondence with the Computer Museum
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 06:54:49 GMT
139
Subject: News about alt.religion.kibology, and vice versa
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 06:52:23 GMT
While pawing through my private archive, I just read ever post I’ve written
in 1996 (so far), many of them for the first time. (Sometimes I just sign
whatever gets handed to me by my menial staff.) My brain hurts.
At the end of the year, I’ll be annotating the best quarter or so of the
posts (marginal notes, spelling corrections, new spelling errors, diagrams,
photos, scratch-n-sniff stickers...) This will probably be something posted
in a convenient .PDF book form. The other 75% of the posts--the less
memorable, short, lame ones--will be included in tiny type as an appendix.
BTW, Jaffo & E. Holmes, I’ve got your mail. I appreciate the work you’re
doing, and I’ll chmod those files as soon as I get a chance.
-- K.
P.S. The offer still stands about
everyone being invited to a wild
party in my office once I get
around to giving them two weeks’
notice that I’m quitting.
Keep an eye peeled.
Filler to make book seem bigger. It’s an optical illusion!
Subject: Re: News about alt.religion.kibology, and vice versa
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:05:31 GMT
[email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
P.S. The offer still stands about
everyone being invited to a wild
party in my office once I get
around to giving them two weeks’
notice that I’m quitting.
Feh!
When I walked into work this morning, the first thing my manager said to me
was, “So, I decided to read your newsgroup for the first time last night,
and I have a few questions...”
140
Anyway, since one of you weasels tipped him off to my plans for a surprise
party, there will be no party. In fact, now I can’t even quit, because now
he’s expecting me to quit! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!
-- K.
P.S. The real reason I wanna quit
is because nobody there is a good
Descent player.
The day I edited this page (12/27/96), I
played against my boss in Descent for the
first time. Kibo: 15 kills. Boss: 0. He
got really mad but I gained lots o’ respect.
(He thinks that by bringing in his joystick
next week he’ll beat me. Don’t think so.)
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 1996 04:31:23 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Michele Tepper) wrote:
>
>>
P.S. The real reason I wanna quit
>>
is because nobody there is a good
>>
Descent player.
>
>I almost had to quit a job because I speculated on this group that my boss
>might be the Unabomber. Luckily for me, he’s a *good-humored* fugitive
>from the law.
>
>I know the guy responsible for Descent. And, of course, Descent II, which
>includes in its acknowledgements the only place in Ann Arbor where you can
>get jerk goat.
Yeah, so? I can beat him... using the keyboard, man! Because he’s too close
to the game, man, but I’ve got distance, DISTANCE, distance is EVERYTHING,
man!!!! Oh geez I’m out of Fritos like bummer. if the game’s not real then
where did my Fritos go while I was playing huh man?
(begins humming the theme to “George of the Jungle” while playing Q*bert
without holding the joystick the right way)
>(Well, OK, I mostly know his partner, actually, but they come to events
>together a lot. Weird.)
YOU HOLD THE
JOYSTICK (ON AN
ATARI-TYPE HOME
UNIT) TO LOOK LIKE
THE NOLAN GRAPH,
WITH THE RED
BUTTON IN THE
COMMUNIST CORNER.
Please tell him I really liked the scene in “Endless Descent” where Amanda
Pays has to take a shower in her underwear because there’s an H. R.
Giger-inspired rubber monster after her. There’s never been another movie
with that scene! Except Alien. And Aliens. And Alien^3. And Hardware. And
Apex. And SynGeNor. And every episode of the new Outer Limits. Okay, I was
wrong. Besides, Descent uses the same engine as Doom, so it’s obviously
exactly the same game.
141
-- K.
I really like the sound the big
pink robots make (the ones that shoot
the nuclear pentagons) on the last
couple levels. They scare Spot.
Then again, the mousebots in
Dark Forces scare Spot.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers,alt.atari.2600.vcs,fido.ger.atari
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 04:23:29 GMT
>Maelstrom your idea for a mass emailing program that can get addresses
>from usenet is truly inovative. Our top minds are working on it as I
>type this --Bill Gates
>
>Maelstrom v 1.0
I actually have a mailer called “Mailstrom” (an IMAP client), but I don’t
like it because Bill Gates didn’t write it and therefore it’s broken in the
wrong way. Also he never actually wrote any programs except “Super
Breakout” for Atari. That’s why the Apple ][ had square pixels, because he
wanted to play “Super Breakout” but you only could do this if you had the
special lowercase key caps that cost $666.66. Then he left Apple and
founded Atari Computer Inc and when it went broke the next year he started
Microsoft and renamed Atari DOS to MS-DOS, after taking out all the fun.
Is this true?
-- K.
P.S. IMAP is to POP3 what
Kibo is to Biff, or vice versa.
But biff is to mailx as...?
142
SPOILERS:
^L
Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, wrote the arcade Breakout for Atari. This is why the Apple ][ had
extremely brick-shaped pixels. The original Apple did cost $666, proof that Wozniak is the devil. Biff
(uppercase) posts to Usenet in all capitals. biff (lowercase) is a UNIX program that alerts you when
new mail arrives; it’s named for a dog at Berkeley who barked at mailmen. And yes, the
communications program Kermit is named for the frog (with permission); I won’t get into why Richard
Stallman wrote a program called “bolio”, except to say that purple ice cream causes severe cases of bolio.
Subject: News Flash
Date: Sat, 7 Sep 1996 06:05:24 GMT
...bulletin...
This just in. Vanna White will star in the forthcoming “NEW Wheel Of
Fortune”, except she won’t turn letters. They’ll be displayed on
computer monitors when she touches them.
Red Alert! Red Alert! Impending nadir of American culture. In order to
preserve your sanity, alt.religion.kibology will self-destruct in ten seconds.
(Vanna points to “9”)
(the entire Internet explodes, engulfing Vanna in a luminous fireball of
orgiastic endothermy)
...connection to alt.religion.kibology terminated.
Searching for new newsgroups...
alt.tv.richard-bey.guest-stars.on.galactica-1980.while.you.drink.orbitz
not in .newsrc.
Add? (y/Y) n
“n” invalid, answer “y” or “Y”
Add? (y/Y) _
Meanwhile, on a higher plane of being, the late Vanna White is turning a
six-dimensional schwa.
-- K.
At Calumet Market,
the most important special is...
YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
143
Subject: Re: No More Purple Leather Suede @ Tandy Leather
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 05:06:35 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Marcus DragonSlayer <[email protected]> wrote:
>I’ve just learned that Tandy Leather will be discontinuing it’s heavy
>Purple Suede and that there will be no more after current inventories
>are gone.
Oh no! What’ll Tandy use to make the innards of the Flavoradios now? REAL components?
-- K.
“He’s been going from Radio Shack to
Radio Shack, and he always sniffs the
Flavoradios.” -- Matt McIrvin re Kibo
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.krunk
Subject: Re: No More Purple Leather Suede @ Tandy Leather
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:12:54 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Nick S Bensema) wrote:
>>
-- K.
>>
“He’s been going from Radio Shack to
>>
Radio Shack, and he always sniffs the
>>
Flavoradios.” -- Matt McIrvin re Kibo
>
>I love the smell of new computer manuals. They take me back to when we
>got the Atari 400. It’s the New Car Smell for geeks.
I like the smell of hot TV sets that are full of dust, but only if they’re
tuned to The Classic Sports Network while it’s airing that strange
Australian sport where dwarves toss big people.
-- K.
AND THEN THEY FLOOR THE ACCELERATOR,
BAREFOOT, WITH PAINTED TOENAILS!!!
144
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.time-travel,sci.cryonics
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.time-travel,alt.sex,alt.alien.visitors,alt.scooter,alt.tv.seaquest
Subject: Re: oxygen emulsion
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:42:28 GMT
In alt.tv.seaquest, *The Purplelicious One* <[email protected]> wrote:
>The breatheable liquid is now being used by military units all over the world.
> It’s effiecent because like you saw in the Abyss, it doesn’t cause the pressure
> vs. depth problems that straight air uses. It’s similar to ambeonic fluid
> (fluid that a fetus/child lives in in the womb) and is thicker than water...Kind of
> inbetween a milky substance and a pure hydo one. It is supposedly able to ‘carry’
> up to over 25% of the oxygen needed to breathe above water..So your lungs we be
> working twice as hard for basically 2/3 the air...Enough to keep you alive,
> but I’d say you wouldn’t feel all that great after having breathed that stuff
> for an extended priod of time.
>
>Cracker
Ah, alt.tv.seaquest, the font of misspelled inaccuracies.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Truman Bradley Junior, and welcome to
S C I E N C E
M A D E
F U N - L I K E !
(slow, pompous trumpet fanfare as an oscilloscope shows a sine wave)
Won’t you please follow me over to my laboratory card table for an interesting
demonstration. Here I have the entire cast of NBC’s “seaQuest DSV”, hermetically
sealed in an air-tight booth made of General Electric Lexan, a space-age polymer
over ten thousand times as strong as even the tungsten filament of this light bulb,
which represents the sun, the source of all energy on Earth. If we were to
move the sun closer to Earth, like this, obviously the Earth’s orbit would decrease,
causing this clock to speed up like so. But note what’s happening to the crew of the
seaQuest: absolutely nothing, just as this razor blade which I have been keeping
under this pyramid made from Lexan has been used over five thousand times without
becoming dull! The lesson, ladies and gentlemen, is that science is a razor blade
which is never dull. I’m Truman Bradley Junior, and I’ll be back next week
with another exciting adventure from the world of science and/or fiction.
-- K.
Also try my exciting new board game,
Candyland Junior. It’s been used by
child psychologists to teach fun!
One or two of you may have seen a fifties TV show titled “Science Fiction Theater”,
hosted by the amazingly serious Truman Bradley. It was as dull as a bad science
lecture, except that the facts were bogus. It contained no science, and no fiction.
145
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.time-travel
Followup-To: alt.stupidity,misc.test,alt.sex,alt.slack,alt.angst
Subject: Re: Science is FUN!
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1996 08:10:00 GMT
alt.sci.time-travel is my favorite group for
finding science wackos, just like
alt.tv.seaquest for TV wackos or
alt.sex.fetish.robots for sex wackos. I also
like advertisements for pathetic products.
In alt.sci.time-travel, alt.sci.tech.indonesian, etc.,
[email protected] wrote:
>Edventures! is a terrific new way to learn about your world. You’ll have
>fun with LEGO® products, surf on the Internet, send e-mail, participate
>in exciting contests, and meet new friends from all over the world that
>are doing the same hands-on projects just like you.
Oh boy! Thanks to this edventurous program, now I can use science to make
Legos *fun*! Next you’re going to tell me that giving me lots of candy will
make stamp collecting *boring*!
>Sound like fun?
Sounds like more fun than reading alt.sci.time-travel.
>You’ll learn about everything from airplanes to dinosaurs -- from
>fossils to fossil fuels.
Also fossils of fuel, and fuel for fossils, and fossils that were dug up by
the ancient Greeks and then dropped in the mud and became fossilized
fossils, and stuff.
> You’ll build working models of all sorts of
>machines, from four-wheel-drive vehicles to robots. You’ll create useful
Last time I built a robot it went berserk and tried to shoot me so I had to
make it walk into a wall and it blew up. Then this big octagonal beach ball
with a happy face tried to bounce on me and it chased me into a wall and I
developed a glowing outline that gave me epilepsy.
>electronic stuff, like a real alarm system for your room.
I’m so tired of those fake alarm systems kids have been putting up lately.
And besides, any thief knows that a sticker which says “THIS BEDROOM
PROTECTED BY A SUPERDUPERAWESOME(R) ALARM SYSTEM” might be fake if it’s
printed on one of those toy printing presses where you have to pull the
rubber type out with these big stubby plastic tweezers and all the “f”s
tear when you do it and so you can never print a dirty word ever ever.
>You’ll do chemistry experiments in the kitchen sink where you make your
>own slime and ooze.
146
MOMS! HELP LITTLE BILLY MAKE SLIME AND OOZE IN THE KITCHEN SINK, FILL THE
REFIGERATOR WITH A TOXIC FUNGUS THAT SPEWS TOENAIL CLIPPINGS, AND COVER
EVERY SURFACE IN THE HOUSE WITH A MIXTURE OF BUBBLE GUM, VASELINE, AND
CREAM CHEESE!
The tuna salad at Sage’s. I won’t mention the eggshell salad.
>You’ll check out the latest and greatest computer
>games and animation software. You can even make your own comic book!
>There are tons of fun projects you can do starting today, no matter what
>your age or skill level.
Personally, my skill level’s the one with the little disembodied teddy bear
head in the corner of the screen, and there’s only one ghost chasing you
through the maze.
Hey! Is that one of the latest and greatest computer games included?
>You can register now for FREE!
WOW! I can sign up to pay money to this company and it doesn’t cost me any
money to sign up!!!
WITHOUT USENET I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY,
AND MY SINK WOULD BE CLEAN!!!
>The following are some of the first subject areas that Edventures! will
>be offering upon its initial debut. In the following months, additional
>areas will continue to be added making Edventures! a dynamic, growing
I think you’d sell more units if it were named
“ED!VEN!TURES!!!!?!?!?!?!*#^$&**$(R)(TM)(C)!!!!!!!!”. The best part is you
could register a trademark for it like that so whenever anyone spells it
without all the stupid exclamation points and stuff, you could sue them for
a million billion zillion dollars and then use all the money to rgister
another ten thousand names with exclamation points in them, like “THE!!!”
and “AND!!!!” and “EXCLAMATION! POINT!!!” and then sue EVERYONE IN THE
WORLD!!!!! WHILE MAKING TOXIC SLIME IN YOUR OWN BATHTUB!!!!
>learning system. Best of all,these areas will be developed based heavily
>upon student requests! So don’t be shy, tell us what you are interested
>in and we’ll do our best to make it available soon!
Women wearing rubber nun’s habits and gas masks, who floor the accelerator
BAREFOOT while I talk to them on the PHONE!!!
>Mechanical Engineering
>Architecture
>Computer Graphics
>Flight Studies
>Chess
>Physics
>Life Sciences
>Chemistry
147
Scientology
Heating & Air Conditioning
Gun Repair
Sitcom Writing (B.A. degrees available)
Sitcom Watching
Usenet Posting
Wiping
Saying “Doy! Doy! Doy!” All Day
Not Saying “Doy! Doy! Doy!” All Day
Making People Who Cross-Post Advertisements Watch “Tennessee Tuxedo” Cartoons Until They’re Bored To Death
Hurling Lame Insults At The Doodie-Heads Who Post Ads
Using Usenet Advertising As An Excuse For Poo-Poo Humor
POO-POO! POO-POO! POO-POO! I SAID POO-POO! POO-POO!
More Scientology
Scientography
Scientogidy
and, last but not least,
Pea Green Paint
-- K.
P.S. You spelled your name wrong.
Subject: Re: pardon me...
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 08:51:42 GMT
>In article <01bbdb3c$d8b6cd00$83ab1fce@travisp>, “Travis Pettijohn”
><[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
>We have chickens and one day one of the barred rocks laid an ordinary
>sized egg that had two yolks and very little white. Kibology made this
>happen.
That’s nothing. I have a barred spiral and one day while I was computing
the Hubble constant--which is exactly 666.666666666666666, an irrational
number!--it laid a cosmic egg. Inside was a wad of flesh-tone stuff that
can pick up pictures from newspaper comics, and unlike ordinary matter,
WILL SHATTER IF YOU BREAK IT!!!!
Please note that some day the Silly Putty Corporation of Silly America Inc.
will figure out that if they’re going to make stuff that looks like
flesh-tone ABC gum, they should at least make it for _all_ fleshtones. This
means green for Fred Gwynne. You know, when they were putting the
Frankenstein makeup on him, they screwed the bolts into his neck so deep
148
that they KILLED HIM!!!!
-- K.
Kibology made everything happen,
including when that twelve-year-old
kid saved New York from a Russian MIRV
by catching it in his baseball glove!
FALSE BUT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve heard it about Karloff: “When they made Frankenstein,
they screwed the bolts into his neck so deep they left permanent
scars!” I think these are the same people who believe in the
ghost in Three Men and a Baby, or the guy being given the
electric chair on the set of The Wizard of Oz.
Subject: Re: Poem
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 09:09:29 GMT
In alt.tv.seaquest article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
(Rachel5845) wrote:
>What’s Left?
>by: Rachel Blackwood
>
>What’s left for those who created her?
>What’s left for those who built her?
>What’s left for those who helped?
>For those that acted?
>For those that sailed?
>For those that filmed?
>For those that dreamed?
>For those that hoped?
>For those that loved?
>For us?
>Those who created try to forget
>Those who built tore her apart
>Those who helped now scorn
>Those who acted move on
>Those who sailed now sink
>Those who filmed have stopped
>Those who had dreams now have nightmares
>Those who had hopes have none
>Those who loved have broken hearts
>We have our memories
>We either let them go and forget her
>Or we “. . . hold on tight, take the whipping. . . “
>For there will be those who’ll laugh and scorn
>But the soul of seaQuest will live on
149
A bravura delight! A fiesta of beauteous lyricism! A rich motherlode of
masterfully brazen awesomeness and sesquipedalianistic iniquity,
metathetic tmesis, unimpeachability, and
quasi-antidisestablismentarianism!
But, oh, NO! Someone forgot to copyright her poem! A tragedy for the world
of Serious Art!
-- K.
THIS ENTIRE POST IS
JAMES “KIBO” PARRY,
PLAGIARIZE THE POEM
GIVE IT BACK TO ITS
BE SERIOUS, ART.
COPYRIGHT (C) 1996
BUT YOU’RE FREE TO
AS LONG AS YOU DON’T
REAL OWNER, SO THERE.
©
Subject: Re: Questions for Kibo
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 02:45:22 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Casper) wrote:
>1. What were you doing when you dropped off of USENET?
I was too busy posting to Usenet to post to Usenet.
>2. Why aren’t you listed on the RPI alumni page?
Because I’m not an alumni, or even an alumnus.
>3. How do you expect them to send you annoying fund-raising mail?
They’d never do that, would they?
>4. Where are all H’s buried, now that the band “Local H” had topped the charts?
Let’s not forget Preparation H.
-- K.
NEVER FORGET PREPARATION H!!!!
Unrelated Picture
<— I couldn’t think of a funny caption.
150
Subject: Re: Questions for Kibo
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 02:48:38 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3671 centons, 79 microns, .01 hectars
>
> [email protected] (Casper) writes:
> > 1. What were you doing when you dropped off of USENET?
> > 2. Why aren’t you listed on the RPI alumni page?
> > 3. How do you expect them to send you annoying fund-raising mail?
> > 4. Where are all H’s buried, now that the band “Local H”
> >
had topped the charts?
Portal usernames are of the
>
form “John_Q_Public”,
> 5. What does the _-_ in John_-_Winstons name signify ?
It’s a new punctuation mark called a “netcomma”.
It’s usually followed by very wide BUAF letters spelling out
“ Q
E
D “.
>6. Whats a “grep”, and where can I get one ?
You shoot them with the green fireballs from your Eidolon.
>7. Who exactly is the Fred in “He’s Fred, Jim” ?
Fred Burr.
unless you have no middle
name, in which case you’re
“John_-_Public”, and
everyone finds this very funny
for some mysterious rea_-_son.
So why did I say “netcomma”
instead of “portallipsis”?
I don’t know! Maybe I’m just
STUPID!
TRUE
>8. How well do you know Harlan, and his ex-wife ?
I look up to Harlan Ellison, but only when he’s standing
on Isaac Asimov.
This note was revised after the
book was printed because
everyone pointed out the
“netcomma” mistake.
>9. Who’s in charge of this Usenet BBS, anyway ?
Major Barrett and his wife, Jean Roddenberry.
-- K.
I just noticed that my news and mail headers
have different numbers of centons. GOOD!
Collect ‘em all.
PANTY
CAT!
151
WARNING:
From: [email protected] (Matt McIrvin)
THIS ARTICLE IS NOT BY KIBO. Subject: Re: Questions for Kibo
READ AT OWN RISK.
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 21:07:49 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Casper) wrote:
>
> 1. What were you doing when you dropped off of USENET?
He was starring in the Busby Berkeley musical classic,
_Usenet Lullaby of 1937_. Let’s watch!
[Enter CLASSY CHANTEUSE, in front of a pastorally painted curtain
depicting the countryside of Shetland, with many SHEEP.]
CHANTEUSE
You kept your crap off misc.jobs.offered
And pledged your love to me;
Your netiquette’s completely flawless,
Your posts thread topically--
KIBO
[pretending to be drunk in an ornately decorated box]
WHERE’S ALL THE DAMES? GIVE US THE TOMATAS, YA LOUSY BUMS!
CHANTEUSE
*Excuse* me?
KIBO
Aw, get off the stage or I’ll show ya my .sig! Ya sound
like a sack fulla rec.org.mensa posters! [Teeters
frighteningly close to the railing, then lurches over and
shakes hands with the SNOOTY MATRON to his left.]
SNOOTY MATRON
[peering through lorgnette] Well, I never!
CHANTEUSE
Please stop interrupting my act!
KIBO
Ya call THAT an act? I’ll show ya an act! [Materializes a
dove and the ace of spades from his top hat, then suddenly
stands on the railing of the box and sways terrifyingly over
the theater audience. Gasps from the crowd.]
CHANTEUSE
I wish they never repealed Prohibition!
KIBO
They oughta prohibit the likes a you! [Shakes hands with
SNOOTY MATRON again.] I can give these bums a better show
‘n’ you ever could!
CHANTEUSE
Why don’t you come down on stage and prove it?
KIBO
I b’lieve I will! [Grabs a convenient hanging rope and
swings Tarzan-like into the curtain, then slides down
the curtain to stage level, collapsing in a heap.]
152
CHANTEUSE
Are you all right?
KIBO
PLEASE HELP ME LOOK FOR THE TIIIIIP!!!!!!! [At the utterance
of this familiar tagline, the audience suddenly realize who
this “drunk” really is. Cataclysmic laughter and applause.
Now KIBO and the CHANTEUSE start furiously tapdancing, arm
in arm, grinning broadly. KIBO’s legs almost reach his
armpits in the big finish, after which they tap off stage left.]
[Enter a hundred DANCING GIRLS, kicking high and singing:]
DANCING GIRLS
Downloooad a GIF of me
I’ll give you a packet-switched thrill
We’ll have fun together
I’ll cheer you up whether
I’m in rubber or leather
Or the al to geth er
Downloooad a GIF of me
I’m better than any of them
I’m sending you “digital love” RIGHT NOW
IYKWI
YKWI
YKWIM!!!!!!11
-Matt McIrvin
<http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.acme.exploding-newsgroup,alt.usenet.kooks
Subject: Re: Raid on Iraq!!!
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 16:24:53 GMT
Andy Wing <[email protected]> wrote:
> (00:25 Aboard the U.S.S. Troller, a guided missle kruiser)
That’s “2425 hours” in milspeak, you ignorant civilian!
> - Scene, the s3kr1t m3mb3r$ of the Kabal are preparing to retaliate
>
against Saddam Hussein. President Clinton is following the latest
>
advice from Dick Morris that conventional arms have become less and
>
less effective against the enemies of the good ole USA. Not wanting
>
to risk SEALS, Marines, Green Berets, he’s left with only one
>
choice... ARK!
What about the Department of “Agriculture”?
153
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Jaffo: Now we get to see if this new refrigerator is worth what we paid
for it!
Gurk: Fire up the fans, pull the SPAM out of the meat
compartment, prepare for launch!
Ellen: Prepare for *lunch*!
Kibo: Prepare for PLONK!
Jaffo: Kommander Kibo, range
is down to 12 node hops.
g
Kibo: .sig safety locks off.
A-hem. .sigs do not have “safety locks”. Although many, such as mine, do
have large quantities of unsafe lox. Remember, NASA says no smoking
around the bageleria!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Ellen: Dave Rhodes mode engaged.
Speed seduction set.
(00:27, the stealth refitted Traskmobile is skimming just outside the
Iraqi minefields in the Gulf of Basra)
Gard: Enemy routers still unpassworded, cmsg filters appear to be off...
...Saddam still hasn’t spotted bigfoot. Tactical Syntax cannon
loaded. Need confirmation on KOTM Web page...
Just be careful it isn’t the old Adobe version of Syntax, which is half
a degree off kilter.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
MLegare: Page ready, nominations open, arabic version compiled...
Argic bots energized! Global Killfile ready!
(00:30)
Jaffo: Systems ready leader Kibo!
Kibo: Oh, er, hmmmmm, what the hell, FIRE!
Jaffo and Gard press a series of keys.
missles is launched.
A flurry of Kibo and KOTM Kruise
Keys? Och, how quaint. I control my computer entirely with a KoalaPad
which plugs into the DB-9 joystick port. Remember the DB-9? It’s milspec.
(Note to people who haven’t seen Battlestar Galactica: a milspec is half
of a metron or ten centons.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
Kibo: Status report?
Ellen: Our strike is having the desired effect...
- Scene, Iraq defense headquarters in Baghdad. Saddam’s generals are
scrambling to figure out what happened to them.
154
>
> General: ID that plane!
If their best defense is Id software, they’re screwed.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
RadarOp: It’s a (does a doubletake) Northrop Beetledick!?!
Lieutenant #1: New orders coming in! Send $1 to the following addresses
and add Saddam’s name to the bottom of the list!
General: The Imperial Guards are demanding more Super Blue Green Algae
at the front!
Lieutenant #2: I still can’t get a fix on those Grey Lizard People, it’s
as if some telepathic agent is reading our minds!
(Noone notices Yogi in the corner)
General: ...and why in the name of Allah are all our dispatches being
auto addressed to /dev/null?
It’s the Gharlane Effect, it’s like gravity but an order of magnitude stronger.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
- Scene, Press conference in Geneva. Foreign Minister Tariq El-Aziz is
addressing the UN from a teleprompter linked to Baghdad.
Aziz: This morning, the enemies of Iraq launched an unprovoked attack on
our nation. Green Card T-shirts smothered the Kurds causing THE DEATH
OF MILLIONS(C). AMERICA USE CONVENTIONAL SPEAKER TO HURT BRAIN NERVE OF
IRAQI CHILDREN. THEY HAVE BAD HAIR, TOO.
- Scene, Hussein’s private resort.
Meeting with head of Secret Police.
Saddam: Who is my latest domestic enemy, I want him eliminated!
Police Chief: Were still gathering intelligence your eminence. He calls
himself the “First Iraqi Parlaiment” And there are reports of our women
being ‘speed seduced’ into defection.
- Scene, White House. Clinton is congratulating (in s3kr1t of course)
the team for foiling Saddam’s latest venture.
Clinton: You’ve done well!
Kibo: Oh, er, sure!
OK!
Would you like Dick Morris’ old job?
Do I get to rewrite the DOJ web page?
I’d rather work for the Department of “Agriculture”. I wouldn’t mind
working there again, er, I mean, for the first time.
-- K.
BEGIN SUPER-SECRET 256-BIT PGP ENCRYPTION THAT ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE HIGH
IN THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION BUT ARE NOT COMMIES MAY USE:
[begin 1000-line compressed .signature]H$7uyr3hu9$h7HJEuh4h(#h9fh&($FY[end]
155
Subject: Re: Raid on Iraq!!!
Date: Sat, 7 Sep 1996 05:50:50 GMT
>>Andy Wing <[email protected]> wrote:
>>> (00:25 Aboard the U.S.S. Troller, a guided missle kruiser)
>>
>>That’s “2425 hours” in milspeak, you ignorant civilian!
>
>Last year I read the “Marine Officer’s Handbook”, copyright 1967.
>It was a real hoot, and it included the advice to never add the
>”hours” word after the number representing the time: it’s redundant,
>and therefore Highly un-Marine.
>
>Of course, the very same handbook said that a Marine Officer always has
>a sword, and must “rig” it properly, and also to never, ever call an
>assemblage of Marines “troopers, since that was an Army usage.
These are my troopers
and this is my pooper,
one is for marching
and one is for posting all over alt.postmodern.
CLAP ON!
CLAP OFF!
THE CLAPPER!
-- K.
Newsgroups: alt.future.millennium,alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.stupidity
Subject: Re: /\
Seeking 250,000 Net Citizens to launch Global Civilization
/\ .. (0/1)
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 05:28:48 GMT
>alt.future.millennium,alt.renewing.american.civilization,alt.planning.urban
>
>
>
Seeking 250,000 Net Citizens to Launch
>
Global Civilization
>
>
156
>
Among the world’s 2,500,000 Internet users, there must be at least
>250,000 mature adults
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
DOIDY
ALS0 AD ME 2 THE LIST T0 .
N0W U JUST HAV 2 FNID 2,49,999 0THER K00L ELEET D00DZ !!!!!!1
>who understand the urgent need for drastic
>alterations in our irresponsible consumption, breeding,
Perhaps to stop breeding we should just give everyone in the world an AOL
account?
>and civic
>practices if we are to leave anything of value to future generations, or
>even our old age.
>
Among these one-quarter-million responsible adult Net Citizens,
>there must be at least 25,000 who would be willing to join a responsible
>Global Civilized Email Network
“Honey, there are some men here in big rubber suits with truncheons, they
want to see you about your use of the word ‘DOIDY’ on the Global Civilized
Email Network With Liberty And Justice For All.”
HEIL G.C.E.N.! HEIL! HEIL!
> dedicated to solving global
>overpopulation and resource depletion, plus all those other chronic
>age-old social problems which we so haplessly inherited from our
>primitive caveman ancestors.
Puny Earthling, your primitive caveman ancestors are no match for my
spontaneous generation!
>
Time is limited; governments are impotent; science is captive; and
>reforms require grassroots efforts.
>
I therefore recommend that 250 of these 25,000 leading Net Citizens
>initiate immediately the required Internet promotion.
SAVE THE WORLD BY SPAMMING USENET! ALSO DON’T FORGET TO SMEAR NOUGAT ALL
OVER YOUR TEETH TO PUT ALL DENTISTS OUT OF BUSINESS BEFORE THEY CAN STEAL
OUR THOUGHTS WITH THEIR “DENTAL” PROBES!
>
This initiative would consist of brief articles posted in local,
>regional, and international UseNet groups announcing the formation of
157
>Local Civil Email Groups dedicated to the local implementation of all
>those civic, economic, political, religious, social, and standards
>reforms needed by an advanced trouble-free future human civilization.
Starbuck: Jeepers, Apollo, the Cylons have set fire to the planet of Caprica!
Apollo: I don’t know what to doI shall defer to the wisdom of my father.
Commander Adama?
Adama: Let the word go forth. There shall be a new medium, a medium of
communication, a medium for our age. Discussions shall be classified into a
tree system according to their content. Some shall be moderated and others
shall be free. Let the users come forth from every household--from schools,
from businesses, from AOL and Prodigy and the phone company. And this new
network will be called... USENET.
(dramatic music swells. Cut to a picture of a guy shouting “DOIDY! DOIDY!
DOIDY!” captioned “TONIGHT ON UPN!”.)
>[...]
>
Citizen Organization through Citizen Agents
>
>
The Immediate Objective of Civil Email Groups is the gathering of
>all civilized Net Citizens into a network of local email groups.
>[...]
>
The Intermediate Objective of Civil Email Groups is the
>implementation of all those modern social systems which the Advanced
>World Civilization of the Future will need for successful operation.
h
I hope you’ve read the copyrigt notice on my Happynet Manifesto. I wrote a
parody of your sappy manifesto YEARS before you wrote it. Therefore, I am
several years ahead of you, and deserve to inherit all your possessions
several years before you die.
-- K.
Subject: Re: /\
Seeking 250,000 Net Citizens to launch Global Civilization
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 05:31:20 GMT
/\
.. (0/1)
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Eric Boesch) wrote:
>Matt McIrvin <[email protected]> wrote:
>>Obviously the man is being used as a GLOBAL CIVILIZATION BREEDING
>>STUD. Now are you telling me that AOL is LYING to us?!
>
158
>I honestly think that the pickup value of being obliged to breed for the
>good of the gene pool is probably one of the main selling points of racial
>supremacist organizations.
You’re obviously one of the Dominators of Zind!
-- K.
yes, Matt, I told you I’d find
a newsgroup to say that in.
Subject: Re: /\ Seeking 250,000 Net Citizens to launch Global Civilization /\ .. (0/1)
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 07:54:26 GMT
>
>>You’re obviously one of the Dominators of Zind!
>>
Stefan is explaining my
>>
-- K.
reference to a science fiction
>>
yes, Matt, I told you I’d find
novel written by Adolf Hitler.
>>
a newsgroup to say that in.
Now I’m explaining his
>
> But, but, does this mean...
explanation. This bites.
>
> ...that Kibo’s brane has been replaced by that of A FERIC JAGGER CLONE !!!!!
>
> QUICK, everybody duck, before he lets fly with The Great Truncheon Of Held.
Well, see, I was just comparing EVERYTHING THAT EVER EXISTED OR COULD
POSSIBLY EXIST to ADOLF HITLER. I thereby have won ALL ARGUMENTS...
WITH MY IRON WILL!!!!
-- K.
suppose you confused “Fonzie” and
“Nazi”... would you get “Dice Rules”?
159
WARNING!
WARNING!
Warning:
pornograhpy
ahead
AWESOMELY DEFORMED FONT FOUND ON A “DUMPWARE” CD-ROM. SOME BOZO THOUGHT THEY WERE MAKING HELVETICA MORE INTERESTING.
160
Subject: Re: STORY “Water Weight” [BREAST ENLARGEMENT, FANTASY]
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 09:49:45 GMT
In alt.sex.stories, [email protected] (Dr.Enlarge) wrote:
> Subject: STORY “Water Weight” [BREAST ENLARGEMENT, FANTASY]
>Water Weight
>by
>DrEnlarge
>copyright 1996
Oh, goody, another thrilling breast enlargement story, and not one of
those boring ones about realistic breast enlargment, but an actual
fantasy. We so seldom see fantasy stories in alt.sex.stories.
And it’s copyrighted, so you know it’s gonna be written by a professional!
>
Bernie Thigpen waited patiently at the elevation train depot.
In his hand he
Funny, every time I ride the elevation train, I have to hold my briefcase
in front of my crotch.
(Of course, Bernie Thigpen doesn’t have that problem, as nobody can see
his elevation through the cloud of dusty thowder that surrounds him.)
>cradled the one thing that could make him a rich man: a plastic vial of
>Dehydrated Water. Bernie, a lanky 28 year old, had been working overtime on his
>doctorate thesis when he’d stumbled upon a way to condense and package
>water. One
Gee, I don’t understand this novel concept. Maybe it needed yet another
diagram of the joke.
>miscroscopic granule of what Bernie laughingly called “hard water” would
>rehydrate into a whole cup of the liquid stuff. All it took was one drop
I see, so dehyrdrated water is a powder, and regular water is a liquid?
I’m confused. It’s usually the other way around!
Excuse me, it’s time for an expository break:
“You’re watching... television! This has been an announcement.”
>of water to
>set the chemical chain reaction into motion.
>
Behind him, a really cute girl emerged from the end of the escalator.
Her
She had been folded into zigzags by the gears, as she had beens tupid
enough to ride inside the escalator. Which was on board the elevation
train, which travelled vertically through an open-sided tunnel, to the
Moon which was underground!
161
>reddish-brown hair swayed gently in the afternoon breeze. Bernie turned and saw
>her 5’ 1” figure walking in his direction, a purple fuzzy angora sweater
BAD TOR JOHNSON! DON’T TOUCH! THAT’S THE DIRECTOR’S FAVORITE SWEATER!
>cut low and
>short black skirt draped nicely over her cherub-like figure.
Their eyes met
I.e. she was two feet tall, two feet wide, winged, and wearing a skirt
that covered her completely.
>briefly and Bernie looked away first, a small smile crossing his lips.
He
And then a larger smile dotted his eyes.
>couldn’t wait to be rich and famous. Then he’d be able to get any women he
>wanted, even the one standing right behind him now.
Of course, if he were richer, he could have even the women he didn’t want!
>
The train began pulling into the station. Bernie stole glances at the girl
>behind him. How he’d wished for a bit of a spine. He’d longed for the day when
>he could just whirl around and say “hi” to any woman that struck his fancy. But
>his was not that day and he had to be content with keeping his mind on his
>job of
>delivering his invention to the patent office.
Bernie also had an appointment to crash a Harvard physics colloquium with
a hand-written sign which said
“STOP-CLONING-DINOSAURS-!!!-VENUS-MUST-BE-GIVEN-EARTHLIKE-TILT-!!!ALL-ONE-!!!-DILUTE-!!!-DILUTE-!-!-!”
>
With a woosh the doors opened and Bernie began to board the train. Now the
>problem with being too eager sometimes is that you forget your surroundings.
>Bernie realized this as he saw a flood of people exiting the doorway as he
As the flood of people washed over him, a midget stained his velour
cardigan. The good one with the Star Trek insignia.
>headed
>in. When the business man stuck Bernie’s shoulder, his first instinct was to
>protect the vial. However, since it was already airborne, all he could do was
>curse as he got sideswiped by another commutor with a stroller. When the
>flow of
>people stopped, he began searching the ground for his vial. He spotted it just
>as he heard the door chime sound off.
Because it was the Blue Line in Boston, the door chimes sounded very off.
“Bleeeng blurrrp!”
162
> They were going to close! Quickly he
>leaned down to get it and his head bumped into the black skirt of the lady that
>was behind him.
She was hurriedly trying to get around Bernie and into the
>train. Embarrassed, he continued reaching for the vial when he noticed it had
>been opened. Almost half of the contents were missing! Frantically he snatched
>up the cork that had been on the top and, placing it back in the vial,
WE ARE PROUD OF OUR CORKS. All great scientists use genuine CorkCo brand
corks. None of those newfangled rubber or glass “stoppers” that wouldn’t
stop anyone who knows how to open a stopper! But a good champagne cork,
pounded into the test tube with a ball-peen hammer, will stop anyone from
opening the tube. EDISON’S LAST BREATH IS PRESERVED BY A CORCKCO GENUINE
CORK!
>bolted for
>the door. His left leg caught the door just as it was closing and the doors
>retracted automatically to allow him to enter.
“McDonalds hamburgers are made from 100% veal-fed veal,” said the doors.
Then they automatically retracted.
>
Bernie wasted little time in assessing the damage done by his little run-in
>with rush hour traffic. A good portion of the dust-like substance was gone.
>Bernie looked back at the spot on the concrete where the vial had landed. There
>was a bit of the dust there, but hardly enough to account for the amount he’d
>lost. As the train began slowly to pull away, he wondered what would
>happen when
>the custodial personnel tried to mop that dirt up. As best as he could figure,
>with that amount they’d have a fairly large mess to contend with. As
>Bernie stood
>there watching the spot move away, he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder.
Beer was coming out of it. He closed the valve.
>
Startled, he spun around, half expecting to see one of the many
vagrants that
>ride the transit looking for spare change for booze. Instead, he was face to
>face with the woman he’d collided with just moments before. Her face was
>stunning. A perfect button nose, two big eyes with just the right amount of
An eskimo wearing a robot costume made from a cardboard box ran up to her
and tapped her button nose. “Don’t you push my buttons!” shouted the
woman, who was wearing a hair net that made her look like a Klingon. Then
they ran around the control console of The Lost Saucer in fast motion.
[This meta-reference has been incompletely diagrammed. Matt?]
It’s just a dumb ol’ Ruth Buzzi /
Sid & Marty Krofft reference!
>makeup and chipmunk-cheeks that made anyone want to pinch them.
>
“Excuse me,” she began, “but do you have a Kleenex?”
>
“Um ... no ... wait ... maybe,” Bernie stammered, trying desperately
>to think of a cloth-like substance he might have on him that might substitute
>for a Kleenex. His hands frantically patted down every pocket he had, taking
163
>immediate stock of their contents just from the touch.
>nothing that would work.
He realized he had
Then he sneezed and a big huge ol’ gob of goobers came out all over his hand.
> Raising his eyes to meet hers, he couldn’t believe
>he was missing an opportunity like this. From this day forward he swore
>never to leave the apartment without a hundred Kleenex stashed on him.
>
“No ... I’m sorry, Miss ... I don’t seem to have one,” Bernie replied
>in a sad
>tone. She nodded and then shyly began to wipe something from her cleavage
>with her sleeve. Within seconds, though, she stopped and a puzzled look washed
>over her face. Bernie couldn’t help but let his eyes be drawn towards where
>she was looking. Her ivory-white smallish breasts were being hopefully pushed
>together and up by what seemed to Bernie to be a push-up bra. The girl’s faint
>cleavage bore a hint of make-up which seemed to vanish as he watched.
>Almost on cue, Bernie and the girl looked up and knew what each had been
>doing. Bernie got so embarrassed that he turned his head and thocked it against
>the support bar next to where he was standing. The girl covered herself and
>looked to see if anyone else had been watching her, blushing heavily.
>
As Bernie’s brain began to break through his embarrassment, he realised
>something. The dusty powder on the girl’s chest could have been the hard water
>material.
Bernie then spent a year trying to invent an antigravity machine, but when
he turned it on, he wondered why it was floating away. Like most
scientists, Bernie lived in a world of childlike wonder. Later he would
incent Ice-Nine. So it goes.
> His eyes grew wide as this thought crossed his mind. He’d never
>contemplated human interaction with the powder yet! Its size would indeed
>allow it to pass through the skin into the body, but he’d never worried about
>it at the lab due to the fact he was always well protected. His mind raced as
>he looked back at the girl, this time with a look of fear adorning his face.
>
The girl wasn’t looking at Bernie or anyone else this time. She seemed to
>be studying her chest again and with a look of concern. Just as Bernie looked
>down to see what she was staring at, a lady on the overly-crowded train pushed
>in between them with her girth and blocked his view. Bernie quickly began to
>bob his head around, trying to see anything more of the girl, but it was in
>vain. Around to the left of his position, he saw a 40-ish businessman turn his
>head slightly in the girl’s position, stare for a moment with a small grin,
>then return back to his paper. To Bernie’s right a grunge-looking youth was
>staring in what could be the direction of the girl’s figure. As he studied the
>youth, he could tell that the lad was becoming less obvious about what he was
>staring at and then noticed that he tapped his girlfriend on her tattooed
>shoulder and pointed in the girl’s direction.
>
Bernie looked back towards the businessman. His eyes were looking back in
>the girl’s direction, but this time his grin was replaced with a look of
>disbelief. Something was happening behind the glacier of a woman that had
>oozed between him and the girl. Frantically, Bernie looked for a path around
>Mount Womanhood, but bodies were jammed in pretty tight and there seemed no
164
>polite way around.
>
The train jolted for a brief second, tossing the behemoth backwards a bit.
>A passage of space opened for a moment and Bernie’s heart stopped cold. The
>girl was standing there, looking panicky, her arms wrapped around her chest.
>Even so, the train’s jolt was still reverberating in her now D-Cupped bosom.
>Her chest was bigger! Her eyes met his briefly before the landmass of flesh
>shifted back into her original sight-blocking position. Bernie stood very
>still, trying to think about what was happening.
>
The powder had obviously landed on that poor woman’s chest and
I still don’t understand what the premise of this story is.
> due to its
>nature had sunk in. The growth meant that it was reacting with the water in
>her body, but thinking about how much reaction there would be made Bernie
>nervous. He tried to calculate the amount of hard water still in the vial
>compared to the amount he’d seen on the landing at the stop, but he couldn’t
>comprehend just how much that left unaccounted. He stopped trying to figure it
>out when he heard the businessman talk.
>
“Are you OK, ma’am?” the older gentleman asked shakily. His eyes were
>fixed at below eye level, Bernie noticed. He heard a reply, but it was too
>quiet to pick out the words. From the tone, however, he could tell it was the
>girl and she was frightened. Big Bertha finally noticed something other than
>the candy bar she was munching on and turned her head to observe the commotion.
> Once she saw what was going on, she backed up in surprise, much to the dismay
>of the people she crushed behind her. Bernie saw the opening and this time
>instead of looking through it he maneuvered into the spot. He didn’t have much
>room, though, for the girl had seen the same opening and had taken a step
>forward to give her new self more room.
>
Bernie stopped himself just before he collided with the girl’s DD chest.
>His jaw dropped as he saw her milky-white breasts straining against her purple
>sweater, pulling the V-neck further away from her body and showing six inches
>of cleavage. Her dainty hands again cupped themselves around her new growth,
>trying vainly to contain and stop their further expansion.
I don’t even want to think what this story would be like on alt.sex.enemas.
>Long red nails on
>both hands were hard pressed against the full sweater, but Bernie instantly saw
>that her jugs were plump and her hands sunk deep into them.
>
“What’s going on?” the girl said to no one in particular. By now, all
>within sight of the girl were looking at the spectacle. Slowly her breasts
>were filling up her sweater to the breaking point. Bernie saw through the
>sides of her v-neck that her bra straps were loose. She must have busted her
>bra moments before. No way an B-cup bra could’ve stood up to those mounds.
>Her eyes were wide open and her cute little mouth was slack as she stared at
>what everyone else was staring at. Bernie watched the outside of her right
Drawings by “Larry Latex”, seen at http://webx.best.com/~draconus/if.shtml
Bernie had difficulty thinking about breasts, due to a rare genetic
disorder that made him a research scientist.
165
>breast to gauge how fast she was growing. As he stared, he actually saw her
>boob inflate wider and fuller, stretching her V-neck still further apart and
Oh, come on, a V-neck’s eighteen sizes larger than a D-cup.
>further down. The sides of her tits were now far enough out that they were
>growing out past her arms which she still had across her ever-enlarging chest.
>
By now, the whole train was crowding in, trying to see the girl that was
>getting bigger boobs by the second. The girl, giving up the vain attempt to
>cover herself by crossing her arms, slid her arms apart. Bernie heard the
>sweater strain even over the sound of the train.
I will not listen to sweater strain on a train, I will not hear it tear
while in the air.
I will not practice breast worship on a spaceship, I will not watch her
boobs bloat on a boat.
BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL, DR. SEUSS DIDN’T REALLY WRITE THAT POEM.
>Her fingernails slid over her
>super-tight sweater as she released her boobs slowly from her hold, but she
>stopped short of fully dropping her arms. Now, she was cupping each breast
>with the same-sided hand, pulling them towards her body and in turn, out
>further. She could almost rest her arms on the bulk of her sideways growth.
>Her head popped up and scanned each face quickly for signs of help from anyone.
>
“Oh, my God!” one man said quietly. Her chest continued to balloon. Tears
>were beginning under her arms.
And sweat was coming from her eyes.
>When the first one began, everyone looked,
>including the girl, towards the sound. Her face grimaced a bit. The sweater
>really looked tight on her now. Her midriff was now showing as her sweater’s
>bottom had begun to crawl up her body towards the underside of her volleyball>sized boobs. Her little hands looked so small compared to her massing melons
>and they were moving outwards more and more. The bottom of her breasts was
>above her navel until she showed signs of fatigue and began letting them drop.
>They sagged slightly, just hiding her belly button, but Bernie could tell that
>they were getting tighter. One woman beside Bernie fainted, but no one cared.
>
“I need help! Someone help me!” the girl cried, her grip on the front of
>her growing gazongas getting looser due to her ever-tightening skin. The
Charles Nelson Reilly? “Gazongas!” (ding ding ding ding)
Brett Somers? “I said bazooms!” (bzzzzzzt!)
>business man was almost drooling as his glazed-over eyes soaked in every new
>inch of her. The grunge boy began to reach out his had to touch her boob when
>his girlfriend knocked his hand back. Bernie shook his head and came to his
>senses. He was responsible for this problem, he’d have to find a way to solve
>it before ... before something bad happened.
166
>
Bernie cleared his throat and tried to quiet the croud. Even with everyone
>trying to back away from the girl’s body, there wasn’t much room left for her
>to grow without touching someone. As the crowd quietened, you could hear the
>staggered sound of her shirt ripping bit by bit down the side. Her big eyes
>looked hopefully towards his, almost tearfilled.
>
“I know what’s happening here,” Bernie said. Everyone looked his way. As
>he opened his mouth to continue, he paused. What was he going to say next? He
>had no idea how to help this ballooning body stop. All he could do was try to
>figure out how much hard water had she absorbed.
If he solves this by sprinkling Calgon on her, I’ll feelcheated.
>
“Ma’am,” he said to the straining face of the girl. “That dust that fell
>on you. How much was there?”
>
“Oh, God, my breasts feel so big!” she grunted, almost pulling at her
>sweater. “Uh ... I don’t remember. It covered my chest when I first looked
>down, but then,” she drifted off, trying to arch her back a bit. Her breasts
>were really growing now, every jostle that the train caused was amplified by
>her bulbous front. It would have been worse except her tight top was still >barely - containing her. Cleavage was squeezing out of the V-neck so much
>that it looked like someone was baking bread and the dough was rising. From
>her sides more and more tit flesh was breaking through. Wouldn’t be long
>before her sweater ruptured. Bernie could see the beginnings of blue veins in
>her skin.
Oh, no, it’s the secret THIRD ending for “Scanners”! The one where Michael
Ironside’s breasts burst into flame!
>
“Something is rushing into my boobs! God, I can feel them blowing up!
>Mister, you gotta stop them! I’m getting huge!”
>
“Umm ...” Bernie thought. That much hard water could spell trouble for this
>young woman if she was right. He needed to get the water out that was in there
>before she got too big and exploded. Since the hard water was probably
>reacting with her milk glands, Bernie decided that she needed to give milk.
>But he didn’t know how fast someone would be able to suckle her chest, surely
>not fast enough to stop her growth.
>
RIP! The girl’s sweater gave up and split down both sides. The front went
>limp and rested against her chest. It did little to conceal her mammoth
>mounds, even when she grabbed the bottom part and tried to stretch it to cover
>her distended nipples. Her areolae were as wide as a plate now and they looked
>very taut. She looked comical trying to cover her beachball-sized breasts.
>They took up her entire torso, spreading down to below her belt and out past
>her elbows. She gave up trying to gather herself from the side and stretched
>her arms over the center of both breasts, just barely reaching her
>life-saver-sized nipples.
Not the candy, the Coast Guard thing.
>
“Ok...everyone...she’s going to get much bigger if we don’t figure out a
>way to milk her fast!” Bernie shouted. “Does anyone here have any idea how we
>can do that?”
167
>
“How big am I going to get?” the girl shouted, leaning back against the
>door now. She was really having a hard time standing now. “I’m too big as it
>is! Just look at me! I can’t get any bigger, mister. My skin is getting so
>tight!” she pleaded, looking like she’d welcome it if someone just stuck her
>with a pin.
>
“Why don’t we just pop them?” someone suggested, reading the girl’s mind.
>Bernie considered it before someone spoke up.
>
“No, you can’t. That little hole in her skin would probably let loose a
>torrent of ... whatever’s blowing her up. I’m a doctor and although I’ve never
>seen this before,” the old man said, pointing at the girl’s tits still blowing
>up bigger and bigger,” we can’t just poke a hole in her side.”
“I’m usually in favor of poking holes in everyone,” he continued, “but in
her case, I’ll make an exception.” He then tried to use his patellar
reflex hammer on a nearby earthworm.
>
“I’m going to pop soon anyway, I can feel it!” the girl shouted, gripping
>her teats with her fingernails. “If someone doesn’t do something soon, I’m
>going to pop myself! I can’t take this pressure ... it keeps coming into me,
>making my boobs heavier and heavier!”
>
The doctor made his way to the front of the semi-circle around the girl and
>instructed two people on each side of the girl to grab her arms and keep her
>nails away from her tits. She fought them at first, sensing this might be her
>last chance to stop her growth, and began to slap her chest, clawing with her
>nails after each downstroke. Her colossal chest bounced angrily, but didn’t
>blow. As they secured her arms, she slid to the floor, her chest reaching out
>past the hem of her skirt and almost up to her chin. She looked helplessly out
>at the people around her, the tattered purple sweater up around her neck like a
>bib with her engorged mammaries flowing out from under it. The floor must have
>been cold, because as soon as her tits hit the ground, her nipples stood out a
>good inch more, looking rock hard.
The huge loose bolders shifting around caused the elevation train to
careen out of control, and it collided with... Supertrain! Ted Bessel and
his chimp were on board, with McLean Stevenson, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sonny Bono,
and Lyle Waggoner. Unfortunately, nobody was hurt.
>
The doctor stood in awe, as did the rest of the people around the girl.
>Her eyes darted from one breast to the other as they grew rounder and fuller.
>
“My boobs! Look at my boobs!” she said hysterically. “They’re not
>stopping!
>I’m too full! God, they’re so tight! Please ... do something before they
>blow!”
>
Thinking, the doctor looked like he’d had an idea just as the girl
>screamed and writhed on the ground, almost breaking loose from the two men
>holding her arms away from her billowing breasts.
>
“Ahhh! I can feel something blowing them up faster! What’s happening?” she
>screamed, looking directly at Bernie. “You! Look at my tits, they’re growing
>faster!” Bernie indeed looked and saw that they were stretching wider and
>further from her body more quickly now. He didn’t have the heart to tell her
>that with more liquid in her glands, the more the hard water would unfold and
168
>fill her tits.
>
“Never mind that.
>directly.
We need to make her climax, now!” the doctor said
He then read her a story about a guy getting an elevation that got bigger
and bigger and bigger.
> People were trying to back away ever further now, forcing others on
>the train to stand on seats or get pressed against the walls. The girl’s
>breasts were very blue veined now and her white skin was stretched so tight it
>almost looked shiny.
That whole sentence could be replaced by this simple phrase:
“Her breasts looked like Shari Lewis’s face.”
> People around her that couldn’t move any further were
>having their feet covered by her ever-expanding hooters. The girl moved her
>legs apart a bit underneath her tits, but they were so heavy and had almost
>reached past her knees now that she couldn’t make them move far.
>
“OK!” shouted the doctor. “You, ma’am. You’re in front of her. You’ve
>got to get down there and make her climax now or she’ll explode!” the doctor
>said, pointing at a model wanna-be teen.
This sad 21-year-old model was praying that a horrible daylight savings
accident would one day make her a teenager.
>The model looked shocked and shook
>her head, but already people around her were pushing her down towards the
>girl’s cleavage.
>
“I’m not doing this!” the model shouted, her head almost bouncing into the
>girl’s distended cleavage. “I’m not a lesbian!”
Idea: a story about a wonder drug that makes cleavage bigger, not boobs.
“Francine, you’ve got to pull yourself together--this is no time to split!”
Someone please write that and post it to alt.sex.stories so we may all enjoy it.
>
“You don’t have to be, just get her to cum! You’re the only one who has a
>chance of reaching her ... use your hand!” Bernie touted in, looking on as he
>saw the model lie flat on her stomach. She shook her head again, but then
>began moving her right hand underneath the girl’s cleavage.
>
“Everyone who can, gently move back so we can seperate her cleavage a bit
>and let that girl reach her clit!” the doctor ordered. The crowd didn’t move,
>they had nowhere to go. “OK, then, pull her breasts apart GENTLY, everyone who
>can,” he commanded.
>
Everyone that could reach into the center of weather balloon-sized bust
>began to slowly tug on the tight yet watery mass of boob flesh.
>
“Stop ... you’re going to make me pop! Oh, God, I’m growing more and more
>each time I breathe! I’m covering my feet almost! She’s never going to reach
>me!” the girl panted.
169
>
Bernie now could feel her tits against his legs and groin. They grew and
>grew, pressing into him tighter and tighter as they continued to wedge into
>the crowd around her. His cock was right above her huge nipple and he moved
>his legs apart so it could go right under his nuts. Her head disappeared as
>her massive boobs grew up against her human bra.
A Reader’s Digest exclusive:
SHAME OF THE SOVIETS: I WAS A HUMAN BRA
(beginning the page after I AM JOE’S ELEVATION)
>The people holding her arms
>still continued to do so, but Bernie could only see that they were holding
>something and not her arms anymore. It wouldn’t be long before her tits
>completely covered her head, and she knew it.
>
“My God, look at my breasts! They’re getting hard! I’m going to explode,
>I just know it! God, the skin near me has stopped stretching! I can feel my
>skin stretching faster around my nipples! Oh Jesus, this is what balloons do
>just before they pop!
You can always tell by looking at the balloon’s nipples. Especially those
new lubricated balloons.
>I’m getting ready to blow up!
>enormous!” she yelled.
God, my tits are getting
She spent the next six pages yelling “HEY EVERYBODY MY BOOBS ARE GETTING
REAL BIG!” and clutching a brass bannister.
>
People began to panic. They were speeding towards the next stop with a
>girl about to explode on an electric train. No telling what that was going to
>do to the train itself. Bernie could feel that the girl was right, her nipple
>was pushing into him faster and faster, trying to lift him up.
>
“Look out, she’s going to blow!” someone yelled from the crowd. A small
>scream was let out, probably from the girl, Bernie thought. There seemed no
>hope for the poor blimp-chested girl. The model was dragged out from
>underneath the girl’s boobs, her face red from the pressure.
>
“Here, use this!” a voice said from behind Bernie. A mop was handed to him
>overhead. He quickly handed the tool to the model, who dropped again to the
>floor, just out of range of the girl’s massing mountains. She began quickly
>working the mop down between her cleavage.
>
“God, I’m growing faster! I’m blowing up like a water balloon!” the girl
>cried. She suddenly began gasping.
>
“I think I found it!” the model cried, her head being slowly pushed back by
>the girl’s quickening growth. Bernie saw the mass of mammaries before him
>start to shake. She was either responding to the mop handle or was about to
>burst.
>
“Oh God, that hurts!” the girl cried, but she continued to groan. “God, I
>can feel it building inside me! I’m going to pop!” No one knew whether she
>was referring to her chest or the orgasm, but everyone held their breath. The
>model let out a grunt as she thrust the mop hard into the Boobs from Hell.
170
Meanwhile, John carradine had Woody Allen trapped in a room filled with
Boy Scouts.
>
A shrill scream came from the girl’s direction. Bernie looked across her
>girl’s impossibly large breasts, now eye-level to him. He could see the mass
>of her boobs quake and shiver. Everyone closed their eyes, thinking she was
>going to burst. But just then Bernie felt the log-like nipple
What rolls down stairs
alone or in pairs
and rolls over the neighbor’s dog?
It bursts from your chest!
Tit’s the very best!
Tit’s log, lo-og, it’s big, it’s round, it’s erogenous
Tit’s log, lo-og... [continues until the Nickelodeon censors wake up]
>still between
>his legs kick and jump. Yells of shock came from all around behind him. He
>felt something rushing through the skin of her nipple. She’d climaxed!
>
“Don’t be alarmed, she’s just cycling the liquid out!” the doctor yelled.
Now she’s got a bicycle in her areola?
>”Her nipples should be able to handle the strain of the outburst of liquid.”
>
Everyone sighed in relief, except for those getting soaked. Bernie smiled
>as the motion underneath his member continued. “So this is what the spin cycle
>feels like?” he murmured to himself. He felt water rush around his feet. This
>train was going to get wet, fast.
>
“Someone hit the emergency lever and kill the power to the train!” a voice
>in the back yelled. There was a tinkle
Ewww!
>of glass and everyone felt the train
>slow. Bernie felt the huge breast infront of him as it slowly deflated.
Printed on it was the following sentence:
MOISTEN NEEDLE
BEFORE INSERTING
TAIWAN
>The
>girl was still moaning and shrieking: apparently she was still climaxing with
>all this activity going on in her body. Bernie felt the nipple recede and he
>relaxed his leg-grip on her teat. It flipped up past his groin and pounded
>his chest with a torrent of water. He tried to hold his hands up against the
>stream, but that just diverted the spray into everyone else. He was going to
>get soaked, regardless. Over the loud spray, he heard the girl still belting
>out orgasmic shrieks. Then ...
>
“Ohgod ohgod ohGod OhGOD!” the girl cried. “It’s not stopping!
171
>I’m...uuhhhhh..” she cried between ecstasy-filled groans. “I still
>feel....*gasp*...feel it blowing ....uhhhh...blowing my tits up!”
>
Bernie noticed right away that her huge nipple and shiny areola, distorted
>so much that it was the size of a trash can lid and barely noticeable, was
>indeed not receding anymore. The water still rushed from her log-sized
>nipples,
(Everyone!)
It’s lo-og, it’s lo-og, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood...
>but the hard water inside her system must still be unfolding,
Ah, it’s made from Steve Martin’s folding soup.
>and at
>an increased rate. She was still growing.
>
“UHHH...I’m coming....Ohhh..I’m coming too much,” she strained. “I’m going
>to pass out! God, uhhhhh ... why am I not bursting?!?”
>
The girl’s boobs swelled dangerously bigger. They had again reached the
>point
>at which they had previously stopped growing, and passed it. Bernie could
>almost see the point the girl had made about her breast flesh. Near the top,
>he could see her boobs stop growing upwards at a staggering rate, and start
>growing forward. In mere moments the leading edge of that growth would reach
>her areola, then her nipples. He felt her cool, slick skin press against his
>arms and her fountaining nipple buried itself in his chest.
>
“Oh, God, I’m clogging her nipple!” a man said from Bernie’s left. Just
>then, Bernie’s water-flow stopped as her nipple bent up against his chest and
>grew up towards his chin.
>
“Mine too!” Bernie yelled. “Someone behind me move!”
>
But no one could. With a cataclysmic yell, the girl screamed and her
>breasts heaved forward, no longer being drained by her nipples. Bernie watched
>in horror as the odd growth pattern on her breast grew directly towards her
>areola. As soon as it reached it, it began puffing it outward rapidly.
>
“OH GOD! MY TITS!” the girl bellowed. “THEY’RE EXPLODING!”
>
Bernie felt her nipple thrust into his chest more and more, getting harder
>every second. Her areola swelled so fast it struck him in the head like a
>punch. He could hear her skin squeak as it filled to the breaking point.
>
“SOMEONE HELP!” the girl moaned. “I WANT TO POP! THEY’RE GROWING OVER
>MY HEAD! OH ... OH..OH.OH!” she screamed and Bernie could hear someone
>slapping on them as the sound carried inside her liquid filled tits. She
>completely filled this end of the train, her breasts mashed against the
>ceiling. Bernie suddenly felt the nipple try to straighten out. The growth
>had reached the nipple. She could grow no more.
Then she grew some more!
>
“I’M GOING TO BURST!!!” she yelled, slightly muffled by her skin, Bernie
>figured. He closed his eyes, not knowing what to expect next. Then, all at
>once, the pressure that had been crushing him stopped. He felt her nipple
172
>quiver against his body and under his chin, but no more growth happened. The
>train, having come to a stop some time ago, was very quiet. People against the
>girl’s breast rustled and Bernie heard muffled voices carried through her
>chest. The hard water had stopped unfolding.
>
“Everyone stay still,” the doctor ordered. “She’s highly unstable. Don’t
>even scratch her or she might still explode!”
Once again putting the kibosh on the doctor’s plan to go around scratching
nubile young women all day.
> Everyone stopped moving, waiting
>for something to happen.
>
“JUST DO IT!” the girl yelled, but Bernie could hardly hear her. From
>behind him, Bernie felt the rush of air. Emergency crews had managed to open
>the doors. They were sorry they did. The girl’s breasts felt the chance for
>advancement and pushed everyone out the door that they could, trapping some
>just beside the doorway. The crew outside, having just been knocked over by a
>push of ten people or so, looked back at the doorway to see two huge areolae
>and nipples thrusting themselves out the doorway, filling it entirely.
>Bernie, trapped beside the door by her breast, was happy not to have her nipple
>under his chin anymore.
>
“Jesus!” one of the workers commented. They just stood and looked at the
>sight. Just then, a shriek came from the other side of the car. The girl was
>coming again. Everyone on the track moved as her nipples pulsed forward a bit
>and began to jet water again. Over the next thirty minutes, she almost passed
>out twice from her constant orgasms, but people on the other side of the track
>kept her awake with smelling salts. By the time she was down to a manageable
>side, the entire track was flooded and clean-up crews were arriving on the
>scene. Bernie walked over to her side as they picked her up after her final
>waking orasm. She still had basket-ball sided hooters,
and the fronts were made out of a gold plastic bowling pin, a lacross
helmet’s visor, some Tupperware, and a couple of ping-pong balls.
>but she was still
>coming in her sleep and they continued to spurt water to the tune of her rapid
>heart rate. An exhausted smile was melted on her face and the paramedics
>strapped her into the gurney and placed her in the ambulance. The doctor came
>up beside Bernie and looked on.
>
“She’ll be fine. She’ll have stretchmarks from hell, but she’s be fine.
>What I want to know is, how did you do that to her?”
>
“It’s a long story, and I’m soaked. Get the story from the police after
>they grill me, OK? Thanks for your help in saving her,” Bernie said,
exhausted.
> He walked towards the beckoning officer on the side of the tracks. As he did,
>his vial fell from his pocket, noticed only by the doctor. Bending down to
>tie his shoe, the doctor retrieved the vial. With a quick grin, he proceeded
>towards the ambulance.
>
> -DrEnlarge
173
I’m sorely disappointed. I thought there would be a fantasy about breast
enlargment in this story. Instead, it was a completely realistic depiction
of modern economic principles.
-- K.
It was just like “Waterworld”, if it didn’t have
Kevin Costner and took place entirely in her boobs.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.jesse-garon
Subject: Re: STORY “Water Weight”
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 09:14:46 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (‘Jesse Garon’)
wrote:
>[email protected] (Matt McIrvin) writes:
>
>>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
>>(‘Jesse Garon’) wrote:
>
>>> Really? I bought an O, and it cost me just a nickel!
>
>>A NICKEL????!!!!!
>
>Riiiiiiiiight.
And! This morning! On his way... to work! Kibo... found...
A NICKEL!!!
And that nickel... WAS WORTH...
FIVE!!! CENTS!!!!
Believe It!!!! ... ... ... OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
This has been #73 in my library of impressions.
#74: Jane Badler: “Pah-leeze, dah-ling,
sou-wer graypes ahr awt of see-a-zon!”
#75: Jerry Lewis’s psychiatrist:
“Smorgasbord! Smorgasbord! Smorgasbord!”
I can’t tell them apart, but he’s either Earl Boen (Alien,
Terminator 2) or Lance Henriksen (Terminator, Aliens).
Or do I have them backwards?
174
Subject: Story (not by me): The War
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 06:50:10 GMT
I found this while searching for the world’s worst font. Matt McIrvin wrote this when he
was three. At least he’s read C. S. Lewis and seen the Chuck Jones movie of “The Phantom
Tollboth”.
http://www.minnetonka.k12.mn.us/groveland/eisenmann/write/Chub_2.html
The War
By Matt
It all started on a day after school when Chub, Pudgy, and Plumpy got a
tool kit that would make anything in the universe.
One day when Plumpy was putting away his clothes, he noticed that he
didn’t have any room for them. So he asked his brothers if they were
willing to make a dresser. “OK,” they said.
They went into their room to get all the tools. They picked a spot in
the basement, where they started to work. They worked for a hour, then
they decided to have lunch. After that they went downstairs and started
again. They built for another hour until Pudgy said,”Let’s not make a
dresser, lets make it a portal box!!!!!” “What’s a portal box?” asked
Chub.
“It is a box that takes you places,” explained Pudgy.
“Great idea,” said Chub. So they kept working until they had to eat
supper.
“Perfect time for dinner,” yelled Pudgy,”I’m starving!” They went up to
eat. When they came back down they started to make the buttons. They
made the “start” button, the “where to go” dial, and the “lets go back”
button. “Now let’s put a little color on it,” said Pudgy.
“I call I get to splatter orange and red,” called Chub.
“I get to splatter green and purple.” called Pudgy.
“OK,” said Plumpy,” I get blue and black.”
On the count of three everybody throw your paints at the portal box,”
ordered Chub,” One...two...three!!!!” Splut!! Splat!! Splash!!
“Okeydokey,” said Plumpy.
plumpylicious
--
“Plumpy” is only the second or third
worst, now that I found “Zany”.
175
“Lets give it a test ride,” said Pudgy happily. “OK,” said Pludgy. As
they stepped in, they were excited and scared at the same time.
“Whoa!” cried Chub.
“Funky!” cried Pudgy,” Where are we?”
“I don’t have the foggiest idea,” replied Pudgy dumbly, “We should ask
around.” So they went down the little pathway. After climbing the hill
they looked down on a huge city.
“Allright!” they cried together.
“Race you guys to that sign down there,” dared Pudgy.”One... two..
three! They ran all the way to the sign. Plumpy won.
“Look what the sign says”, said Chub looking up. It read: Welcome to
alphabet land. “Cool”, said Pudgy. They started to walk. They walked for
about a minute then they say them; little alphabet people.
“Stop where you are;” said a stern voice. They spun around and saw
something... it looked like a Z.
“Let’s see some I.D.,” he said.
“Uhhh, we aren’t from around here,” Chub stammered,” We are from earth.”
“We are very lucky to have you here. We need your help,” he said,”Come
with me to my office.” So they started to walk. They got to a pole that
said, “Take a right to go to Z’s headquarters; take a left to go to
Number and Alphabet Land. “Right away Pudgy and Plumpy took a left,
while Z and Chub took a left. When they got to Z’s office Z said,”
Wasn’t some other earth people with you?
“Of course they’re here-” He looked around, “Where are they?”
“There probably at Number Land,” said Z.
“What’s Number Land and where is it?” asked Chub.
“Numbers are the worst enemy.” They gang up on us with the punctuation
marks, they live right over there,” Z pointed to a dark, gloomy hill,
“They want to take over alphabet land. They offered us millions of new
letters, but we said no.”
All of the sudden a cannon ball crashed right next to them. Then a
number appeared and said,”War!!!”
Then all these puncuation marks and numbers appeared and started to
shoot guns and stab letters. Then Pudgy and Plumpy reappeared!!! They
176
even had guns. Guns fired and the numbers took any number that had a one
in it and used the them as knives. They all fought and fought until all
the punctuation marks were dead and half of the numbers were dead. The
numbers finaly surrendered. Chub grabed pudgy and Plumpy and said “You
can tell us all about over some soda.”
The End
Subject: Story (not by me): Earth 2000
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 07:11:13 GMT
I wish I knew what grade these kids are in. They’re either second-graders
who can spell really well, or eigth graders who did too many drugs. Either
way, these stories are brilliant.
I love a good tomato surprise ending!
Remember when NBC merged “SeaQuest DSV” with “Space 1999” to get “Earth 2000”?
-http://www.minnetonka.k12.mn.us/groveland/eisenmann/write/Earth_2000_2.html
It’s the year 1999, New Year’s Eve Day. Three friends, Brian, David, and
Heather are at a party, and suddenly the house started shaking, they
looked outside and people were running out of their houses, and going
nuts. They ran outside and noticed that little holes in the ground were
being sucked down in the earth.Every two minutes the space in between
the little holes would all sink , and there would be a big hole. So,
they ran as fast as they could in between the holes. While they were
running, Brian fell in a big hole, but he grabbed the edge of the hole,
and David helped him up. When he got up they turned around and saw their
house being sucked down into the earth.
They tried to take cover in a deserted, maybe haunted, old mansion. They
turned on a really old TV, and watched the Big Apple drop. Then, Heather
said “Well, it’s the year 2000. I never thought this would happen.”
After that, the mansion started to shake. They all knew what was
happening , so they ran, and ran, and ran some more, until they saw the
space station. David said, “Come on guys, just a little bit more.”
When they reached the gate of the space station they saw a bunch of
rockets, so they got into the closest one. When they closed the hatch
they felt the earth below them give way. The rocket fell down, down,
down. As they were falling Brian reached over and hit the big red button
for the engine to start. The three friends heard a roar when the rocket
177
started going skyward. Soon they were out in space all alone, as they
looked out a window they saw the earth being sucked into itself. Now
they were truly on their own, heading for who knows where.
After many days and nights they came near a planet. From a distance it
looked all brown, so they decided to land. When they landed they noticed
that it was all desert. They checked the machines on the spaceship and
found out that it was breathable air, so they stepped out onto the new
planet named Veshmemb. When they got out , there were aliens waiting for
them.
The aliens captured them and took them to their prison. When they got
there, there were many other aliens in the prison. Brian, David, and
Heather decided they didn’t like this planet and didn’t want to be a
part of it, so they waited until all the guards were asleep, then snuck
out. When they got out they went back to their spaceship, closed the
hatch, and hit the red button again. When they took off they decided to
go back to earth.
They didn’t know what to expect, but when they got closer, they saw that
the oceans were still fine. They landed on the last bit of land, it was
on the Florida Keys. Brian, David, and Heather got out of the rocket and
saw some submarines coming out from the ocean. When the submarines came
to the edge of the sand people came out of them. Brian, and Heather saw
their parents come out from one of the submarines, they ran over to them
and gave them a big hug. Then David saw his parents and gave them a big
hug. Then their parents said, “People had been living in the oceans in
submarines.”
When all the people were on land, the dinosaurs came out from the middle
of the earth and helped all the people rebuild.
The End
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.angst
Subject: THINGS I DO NOT WANT TO SEE AGAIN.
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 06:35:37 GMT
1.) Commercials where people in the future dig up an antique car/cola
bottle/computer/telephone/fax machine/fast food outlet.
2.) Commercials with stuff on a white limbo set.
3.) Commercials with the computer-generated logo getting inflated.
4.) Commercials with music videos projected onto the sides of buildings.
5.) That commercial with that repellent woman who whines that her husband
took a better cough medicine and got a better night’s sleep than she did
WHYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????
178
6.) References to “a million and a half dollars” on the news.
7.) Wacky comedy movies or sitcoms that feature the rubber chicken of the
nineties: a quick shot of a guy in a leather bondage hood not doing
anything.
-- K.
I’M KILLFILLING LAYERS OF REALITY, BABY.
Newsgroups: alt.fan.john-winston,alt.alien.visitors,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Thread24
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1996 08:47:49 GMT
In article <Pine.UW2.3.94.960925230412.10633A-100000@mlode>, “John F.
Winston” <[email protected]> wrote:
>Subject: New UFO TV Show.
Sept. 25, 1996.
>
> On thursday Sept. 26, 1996, at 8/7 C. the TV show Chariots Of The
>Gods will be on Cable Channel 10 in Sacramento, Calif. I figure
>this will be a good one and plan to watch it.
And by a bizarre coincidence, the Sci-Fi Channel is now showing “Battlestar
Galactica”, the show based on “Chariots Of The Gods” and “The Bible”.
I got into trouble at the local library because I kept trying to convince
them the Bible was fiction because I wanted to see them trying to file it
under the first letter of the last name of its author. Also I wondered if
it would get a sticker of a little rocket ship, a revolver, or a horsie on
the spine to tell me if it was a book that I should read. My library was
real cheap; they ran out of the little rockets for the science fiction
books and just used gummed loose-leaf reinforcements, so I kept avoiding
“The Sirens Of Titan” because I thought the sticker meant there was a hole
in the plot.
-- K.
And how come there’s no “old adult”
section? You could have all the Reader’s
Digest Condensed Books there. Did you ever
notice stuff? I do. And airline food,
I love the stuff! I miss PeopleExpress,
they had the best airline food. You’ve been
a docile audience, thank you and nanoo-nanoo!
John_-_Winston is interested in interesting things. >
179
Subject: Re: time and speed
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1996 06:53:11 GMT
Mike is The Wizard of Speed & Time. See next page.
Seen on alt.sci.time-travel. I like the part about having sex with your younger self. (It
has to be your YOUNGER self. If you had sex with yourself NOW you’d be SICK.)
-- K.
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (justin) wrote:
>
first of all the speed of light and time travel are not linked (I
>know, hard to swallow, but at least taste it.)
>
you can through the nessasary means move any thing as fast as you
>want. lightspeed, 2 times the speed of light(warp 1), warp 2, ect,....
>But time is assosiated with sub-atomic particals(or maybe something
>smaller.) and the manipulation of these particals. but if that were
>the case, then paradox is impossable. History is changeable, after all
>how many of us know who our great, great, great, great, great, great,
>great, grand parents were?
>
chances are if you could go back in time, most of your actions would
>be drowned out by the background noise of history, and major
>alterations would happen just the way you remember them. (so you kill
>Bill Clinton in 94, some other guy takes his place and is still a
>loser.)
>
Wihich brings me to the final point of order, you cant give your self
>messages about the future. when one encounters oneself in the past, no
>matter what age you are, you are in capable of remembering yourself.
>You can talk to your pastbody, give advice, hell even make love to
>your past self(I knew a guy who wanted to do this) but you will never
>be able identify your temporal counter part. This fuzzy effect has
>nothing to do with the brain, or its perception. it is a radiation
>effect that might even be a hazzard to your health. altering your own
>past is dangerous. After all, you wouldn’t be who you are with out
>your past.
>
Time moves forward, and can be accelerated much easer than going back.
>it is not linked to space expantion, however....you should through the
>proper preperations and care go to alternate worlds, (you know like a
>world where the Government actuily dose their job lets people think
>for them selves and no christian coalition dosent exsist. paradise.)
>but that unfortuneately is a one way trip.
180
The Desktop of Speed & Time:
Mike Jittlov’s laptop. Notice the Dalek and
Mike both wear green. This Means Something.
Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Subject: Re: TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:58:09 GMT
In alt.sci.time-travel, Evan Samuel <[email protected]> wrote:
>(A MASS IN MOTION TENS TO STAY IN MOTION / A MASS AT REST TENS TO STAY AT
>REST).
This won’t be a problem after the United States converts over to the
super-cool new BASE TWELVE soon! Then we’ll only have to worry about
masses twelving to a stop. It will also alleviate the problem where Ernie
tricks Bert into saying “I eight the sandbox.”
> We have the technology today to travel the speed
>light. With proper funding an help from other scientist,
>such a ship, but I don’t think mankind is ready.
I could build
Oh, I built a ship that went TWO times the speed of light last year. Of
course I can’t show it to you because whenever you try to look at it, it
181
outruns the beams of photon particles that come out of your eyes to see.
I’ll probably just sell the thing for scrap anyway because mankind isn’t
ready for it because they haven’t even accepted my anti-gravity pills yet.
But I know they work because I just took one.
-- K.
P.S. Dear Archimedes Plutonium, please explain to alt.sci.time-travel what
they’re doing wrong.
Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: TIME TRAVEL IS POSSIBLE!!!
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:51:27 GMT
In alt.sci.time-travel, [email protected] (Chris Carabott) wrote:
>I believe that time travel is definetly possible. And you don’t have to
>worry about causing a paradox either. If the person who invented time
>travel decided that time travel was a threat to society, he may choose to
>travel to the past and kill his younger self. When he travels back to
>the past, no matter what he tries he cannot kill himself. Something will
>always get in the way. He could end up getting hit by a bus, get caught
>by a police officer, anything. But he would not be able to kill his
>younger self, BECAUSE, he has already invented time travel. The event
>has already occoured, he may be able to go back and help his younger self
>invent time travel, if that was so the inventor would remember the older
>version of himself coming back in time to help him invent the time
>machine. CRZY ain’t it. But it is true. This is a lot of thinking for
>an 17 year old such as myself, but I have a whole theory I am working on
>to back this up. You never know who out there might be a timetraveler.
>I am sorry there is no killing Hitler because no one did kill him. If
>you would like to discuss this further. EMAIL ME!!
It’s okay nobody killed Hitler because eventually we’ll get around to
going back in time and doing it, and besides, we already retro-killed the
REALLY evil guys like Lemnius of Albyria and Zondar The Big. Oh, wait,
everybody doesn’t remember them because I didn’t have a chance to jot it
in the margins of the manuscript of the Bible because I forgot that Zondar
The Big’s great-great-great grandson invented the fountain pen and so my
pen disappeared and I couldn’t write with a pocket full of loose ink!
It got my shirt all blue and wet and everyone in the Bible laughed at me!
Sometimes I wish they never invented time travel because of Hitler and MY PEN!!!!
-- K.
Posting on alt.sci.time-travel counts
towards my doctorate’s degree, right?
I want to get one so I can graduate!!!
182
Subject: Re: Today’s Realization
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 06:52:40 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Jeff Gerstmann <[email protected]> wrote:
>So...Gyruss is like...a combination of Galaga and Tempest.
OK?
Yeah, but Microsoft Tempest crashes my Mac for some reason,
but Apple Galaga runs just fine under Windows 96!
-- K.
I’m running a CM-5 emulator
written in Atari 2600 BASIC.
Sheesh, who wrote THAT cartridge?
I bet they couldn’t write a GOOD
cartridge like Solaris or the
Atari 800 Star Raiders.
^
|
Matt McIrvin
(that means he will explain the subreference, not that he wrote
Atari 2600 BASIC. He did, however, port Solaris to Solaris.)
Subject: Re: Today’s Realization
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 1996 08:06:30 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Nick S Bensema) wrote:
>>
I’m running a CM-5 emulator
>>
written in Atari 2600 BASIC.
>>
Sheesh, who wrote THAT cartridge?
>>
I bet they couldn’t write a GOOD
>>
cartridge like Solaris or the
>>
Atari 800 Star Raiders.
>
>You think 2600 BASIC is bad, you should see Atari 2600 Visual C++.
>Talk about a limited implementation!
Yeah. Dark Forces has a better C++ parser, *and* cool
Storm Troopers in fetishwear with Dick Tufeld’s voice!
“Halt! There he is! Warning! Warning!” <-- Matt McIrvin’s joke
183
My favorite restricted C++ is actually PhotoRealistic RenderMan (PRMan),
which has matrix operators to make it easier for you to define your own
parametric shaders. (The shader language is a semi-compiled C++-like
subset, but the scene description language--RIB--is not as interesting.)
>The thing about Atari 800 Star Raiders is, it was the FIRST damn cartridge
>ever made for it. And yet people don’t turn up their noses at it like
>they did for Combat.
Oh, but they do, when I tell them that it was by the same guy who wrote
2600 BASIC. I can see the thankless tasks being passed out at Atari Inc. in
1977:
“Okay, you, you have to write ‘Space Invaders’.”
“Wow! Cool! I get to write the good game!”
“And you, you have to write ‘Starship’.”
“Wow! I get to write the wimpy baby game! Be back in ten minutes.”
“And you, you have to cram a whole programming language into 4K... on a
machine that has no OS... and no character display... and no
dot-addressible display... only two sprites.”
“Eww! Just for that, SOMEDAY I’LL SHOW YOU!!! I’M GONNA WRITE ATARI 800
STAR RAIDERS!!!”
“What’s an 800?” “Oh, just ignore him, it must be something one-third as
cool as a 2600.”
delete “ge”
Doug Neugebauer not only wrote 800 Star Raiders and 2600 BASIC, he also
wrote 2600 Solaris, the only 2600 Star Raiders knockoff to have *extra*
stuff in it. He also designed the POKEY sound chip, the thing that let
Atari hardware make those grinding noises and explosions that an
Intellivision couldn’t.
>By the way if enough people ask I will post the source code to Combat
>right here in this newsgroup. And that’ll be the last time you say you’re
>sick of it. In fact, enough people already have. Expect it soon.
Please, disassembled machine code is NOT source code.
Besides, I have something cooler: the hex dump of 2600 Millipede. In about
ten places, in ASCII, it says:
DAVE STAUGAS LOVES BEATRICE HABLIG
(Dave Staugas, last seen still at Atari, wrote
amazing piece of work it is--how could you get
to display six spiders at once? Let’s hope Ms.
take the cartridge apart and put the ROMs into
that could actually display ASCII.)
that cartridge, and an
a machine with two sprites
Hablig had the good sense to
some futuristic computer
AUGH! I’M MAKING A SERIOUS POST! I BETTER SAY SOMETHING STUPID!
Um... when are they porting Quake to the 2600? Doy.
184
-- K.
http://www.sponsor.net/~gchance/Designers
is a list of who authored what 2600
software.
Subject: Re: U.F.O.
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 10:18:17 GMT
In article <Xrjfys0KT/[email protected]>, [email protected]
>
>
>
The polyester jackets worn by our heroes in the command centre
are modeled after those of Catholic Bishops merely as a cunning
disguise.
Those are _Ed_ Bishops.
>
>
All female staff on Moonbase, must, I repeat MUST, dye their hair
metallic sliver for important operational reasons.
You must have one of those old-fashioned “gray and silver” TVs.
They wear _purple_ wigs.
Gerry Anderson says they’re anti-static wigs.
Sylvia Anderson says he’s a pinhead.
-- K.
She knows a MINTY hair color
when she sees one!
Left: the holy Ed Bishop
and his gear jacket.
This was before they
covered his hair with a
Beatle wig (the bleach
was destroying it.)
Right: Silver wig?
No, Va-va-va-violet!
185
Subject: Re: U.F.O.
Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 07:31:01 GMT
> Did anyone else ever see that Gerry Anderson Movie/Feature Length
> type-thing, where they launch a manned probe to circumnavigate
> the Sun but it all goes horribly wrong.
That’s “Journey To The Far Side Of The Sun”, aka “Doppelgänger”. It’s his
one major feature film, although it was released in the US with much of the
ending missing. Stock footage from it (the great Derek Meddings miniatures)
showed up in Gerry’s shows such as “Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons”.
Ask Gharlane about Herbert Lom’s fake eye.
-- K.
It’s Gharlane’s fault.
Subject: Re: U.F.O.
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 04:57:08 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Gene Poole) wrote:
>But are you discussing the British TV series, “UFO”?
>
>I am very interested in finding a source for videotapes of that fine series!
>And I am unaware of any rebroadcasting of UFO...
>
>Could you please post/email any info pertaining to the above?
For the past two years, the Sci-Fi Channel had been showing it on Sundays,
but it disappeared about two weeks ago. It’ll probably reappear eventually.
(Gerry Anderson’s other shows--Space:1999, Captain Scarlet, Stingray,
etc.--also show up there from time to time.)
Their web site has a couple of photos from U.F.O. on
http://www.scifi.com/ufo/index.html
but according to the schedule it’s not on in November or December.
-- K.
I think they bumped it for that
duh-riffic show where Fonzie proves
that aliens stole Ron Howard’s hair.
186
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.space.shuttle,hactar.space-1999
Subject: Re: U.F.O.
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 08:14:29 GMT
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Eli M. Balin)
>wrote:
>
>> If your every need was met by an endless chain of moving platforms and
>> pneumatic lifts, would you walk? I think not.
>>
>> I’m still impressed that a twenty-minute long aircraft assembly sequence
>> can be thwarted by some guy getting his foot caught in something.
>
>Hours of research on “Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons” have convinced me
>that Washington Dulles International Airport was designed, not by Eero
>Saarinen, but by Derek Meddings, based on a concept by Gerry and Sylvia
>Anderson.
>
>Ride one of the pneumatically self-elevating motor lounges from the
>Microgramma-infested main terminal to a Boeing 747, perhaps watching
>a Concorde take off past the inert bulk of the prototype Space Shuttle
>orbiter Enterprise, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
It’s not inert. They still have it in that swimming pool at Cape Kennedy,
so that astronauts can train around it in the comfort of ordinary Speedo
swim trunks. The reason NASA keeps it underwater is partly to prevent the
phosphorous in the luminous control dials from exploding, and partly
because after the test flight to the Moon and back it got all wet at
splashdown and they didn’t have the budget to wash the water off it.
-- K.
Subject: Re: Usenet must die!
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 08:58:50 GMT
I posted this article to “hactar.space-1999” partly to see if anyone would clue me in to where the
heck “hactar” is. It’s obviously a Battlestar Galactica name, so they shouldn’t be talking about
“Space: 1999”. Anyway, the picture above shows Captain Scarlet with some guy who seems
oddly familiar, as if he was on the previous page… only now he’s in convenient puppet form!
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Tony) wrote:
>
>
>
USNET MUST DIE!
A poem by Brother Cornelius
187
>We must killfile the entire Usenet because it has become the
>Uselessnet.
It is a waste of time.
Usenet culture is for morons.
>Usenet is worse than a gristly steak at the Sizzler.
Usenet is worse
>than having root-canal.
I read Usenet while having oral surgery.
>Usenet is worse than the Arch Deluxe.
I read Usenet while eating at McDonalds.
>Usenet is worse than drinking gasoline.
I read Usenet while drinking at McDonalds.
>Usenet is worse than when you
>step in dog shit and it gets in between the cracks of your brand new
>$169 Nikes and you can’t get it all out and the smell hangs around with
>you for two days and no one will go near you.
Usenet is worse than
>William Shatner’s toupee.
I read Usenet while wearing William Shatner’s *real* hair.
> Usenet is worse than Fabio’s acting.
I read Usenet while making out with sexy celebrities like my lovely wife,
Claudia Christian.
> Usenet is worse than ValueJet.
I read Usenet while flying on ValueJet, wearing scuba gear, inside the
center fuel tank.
>Usenet must die!
Spock must post!
-- K.
Spot must flea!
Oops. I better design
some icons now.
188
Subject: Venetia: Chapter 1 [repost, long]
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 12:07:16 GMT
This is part of the first chapter (of 46!) of a deeply serious literary
epic being posted to alt.sci.time-travel. Please read it aloud to all
unsuspecting people in your area.
(Note: this does not assume the proper tone unless you break into a junior
high school and read it over the P.A. system while holding a gun to your
“Alf” doll.)
Enjoy.
-- K.
[email protected] (Rspeaking) wrote:
> Subject: Venetia: Chapter 1 by Lazarus Cain: A time traveller’s tale
>
>”She is at once both alluring and repulsive, demonic in her attraction and
>exciting to
>behold. She is a thing of beauty and a harbinger of death. She is yin
>and yang, dualism
>incarnate, and fiercely erotic.”
>
Lair of the Vampiress
>
>Chapter One
>”At last!” sighed Jim. The inter-dimensional dynamic displacement unit
>was finished. The “Box”, as he would call it would be his ticket to
>freedom, and he would be free to roam the galaxy in pursuit of his father.
> Yes, where was or is good old dad?
>
Jim couldn’t remember much about his father. It seemed so long ago
>that Jim’s dad had left the planet and all that remained were some obscure
>drawings and plans in his laboratory. Jim had discovered that these were
>the blueprints for the Box. These blueprints, if you could call them
>that, were more of a very complicated jigsaw puzzle which Jim himself
>could just barely decipher.
>
Still, some of the Box’s supposed capabilities were quite obscure and
>the only way to really find out its talents was to take her for a spin.
>Jim knew that he just couldn’t leave the box for Isis to figure out what
>he was up to. Oh! But what a disguise! The box looked like a chest from
>the outside, but once inside, it was enormous!
>
Jim decided to hop inside the box and close its lid. Well, this is
>silly. I should have set the box upright, for when I shut the lid I find
>myself lying on my back in a very large chamber. The lid has disappeared
>and I find myself in a room with a console in the center. Suspended, above
>and on their own, are the singularities (the emptiness out of which matter
>and anti-matter can be extracted); the power source for the box. Isis
>liked to call the singularities “yin and yang”, but she didn’t know their
>differences. She was overly 0bsessed with magic, sorcery, rituals,
189
>ceremonies and other materialistic cravings as were the rest of the
>Amazons of which Isis was their queen. Ah, yes, Isis had plans for Jim
>all
>right, but Jim knew who claimed rights to all the power. The queen of
>Artemis had sent her fleet directed to earth forty years ago even though
>Jim was opposed. Just another, conquest mission concerning a planet that
>the Venetian empire had just noticed; a planet which would, in a few more
>years, find itself victimized and plundered by her insatiable taste for
>power.
>
As if Isis lacked for anything! No, not her! All known
>civilizations paid her
>tribute. She considered herself queen of the heavens as did her mother,
>the queen before her. As Queen Isis’ consort, Jim was responsible for
>reproductive functions along with other minor Amazon duties. During his
>spare time, he was permitted to frolic about with gadgets, machines,
>robots and other trivialities in order to divert him from his real purpose
>and to keep him occupied during the Queen’s absence. The Great Queen Isis
>explains her affection for Jim: “I need to be satisfied. He must be with
>me when I want him. Only when I want him! Otherwise he serves a
>skeptical physical purpose to me. He has little potential other than my
>physical needs. I try to teach him the ways of the galaxies. He will
>learn.
I will make certain that he learns. I want him to entertain,
>occupy and educate
>himself when he is not needed to satisfy my incredibly unique carnal
>passions.”
>
Jim was not permitted to go into battle or leave the planet at
>all. Partly to blame was his father who left and never came back, or so
>he was told. It didn’t seem quite right the way he remembered it, but that
>was so long ago and the details were so confusing.
>
As Jim touched the screen, Genie’s sensor system identified him
>and was activated.
>”Your wish Master?”
>
“Identify yourself.”
>
“I am the General Electronic Nexus Interface Exchange. I am keyed
>to obey your commands only and I will not activate or change commands
>without confirmation by your actual presence which I am tuned to
>recognize. Through me, you may gain access to all control functions of
>this inter-dimensional interface unit, retrieve any known Amazon text or
>file and a myriad of other functions too numerous to itemize. More?”
>
“Thank you, Genie. Where is my father?”
>
“I do not have any references as to his whereabouts.”
>
“Can you estimate?”
>
“No.”
>
“Where is the Amazon fleet headed? Who and what is there? Why is
>Isis determined to journey there?”
>
“Local population refers to the planet Earth. It has an abundant
>supply of water which can provide ample fuel for the use of the Venetian
>Empire for an estimated millennium. It also has a resident species which
>is genetically semi-compatible with the Amazon race. The male population
>can be used to produce female offspring from an Amazon female.
>Unfortunately, the human male, the man as they call him, does not survive
190
>the mating ritual. You will not be displaced by them Jim, so don’t be
>jealous.”
>
“Very amusing Genie. And I’m sure that Isis plans to exploit and
>take advantage of them to the fullest of course.”
>
“There is a high probability that Isis will consider Earth to be
>her garden from which she will be able to tap indefinite perpetuation of
>the species.”
>
“Well, we’ve managed quite well without crossbreeding and I’m not
>really tickled with some of the conclusions. I feel very sympathetic
>toward those doomed men as they eagerly expect their last evening with one
>of the Amazons. They will never complain one second, even as the last bit
>of life will be sucked out of them. It’s truly amazing that even though
>they will be doomed that they will lavish in their lust, show so much
>pleasure and will beg for more. You know what I mean, Genie. Isis has a
>way with me and I know and understand the pleasures that these men will
>feel. But, to die for! Ah, never me!
I do not know whether I am cursed
>or blessed by being my sister’s consort.”
>
“Master, I have been alerted by my exceptionally designed, by you
>of course, internal security system that there may be an information
>security breach in the future. I am programmed to receive your immediate
>response as per your pre-programming direction.”
>
“I assume that this request is standard boot programming for
>initial power up.”
>
“Affirmative Master, per your instructions.”
>
“Drop the master routine in case there may be some confusion as to
>whom you’re
>talking to.”
>
“Affirmative.”
>
“How about responding by saying OK?”
>
“OK.”
>
“I have another new name for you Genie. I will also call you
>Idiot but you can identify yourself as Genie to everyone else. With
>others present you may refer to yourself as Genie and not Idiot. I alone
>will call you Idiot and that will be my preliminary, all secured password.
> I alone will address you as Genie in the presence of others and you will
>respond with OK and refer to me as Master. If I direct you to respond
>with affirmative when you say OK in the presence of others, then you are
>to assume duress conditions and do a first and second level security
>lock-down and follow current duress standing programmed directions.”
>
“Which are?”
>
“This box will develop a power down and a fire shall be triggered
>as an excuse. Need I say more?”
>
“Instructions are adequate and implemented. Update OK.”
>
“You will still be open to me to instruction under duress
>conditions for third and lower level instructions. First and second
>levels will be accessible under duress by use of the first or second level
>password respectively. Neutron and muon power control will be second
>level password protection. Spatial displacement mode will be second level
>password protected. Temporal displacement will be first level password
>protected. Gravitational warp power will be first level password
>protected. Security will also be first level password protected.”
191
>”First level password?”
>
If I refer to you as Idiot, undoubtedly we are alone, there is no
>duress and I have access to first level.”
>
“OK. Second level password?”
>
“ISIS, with a request for a follow up password.”
>
“Which is?”
>
“Define Isis.”
>
“Isis is your sister.”
>
“No, I’d like you to ask me for a definition of Isis and that
>definition is the
>password.”
>
“OK. Define Isis.”
>
“The Intelligent Satellite Data Information System.”
>
“OK.”
>
“And if I refer to Isis as my sister or if anyone else refers to
>Isis as my sister then you know duress conditions are implemented and
>stand prepared for action.”
>
“OK.”
>
“Well Idiot, that’s all for now. Logging off and see ya later.”
>
“Bye Master. Do you really have to go?”
>
“Clever, Genie, you’re such an idiot. But I really should give
>you a little program to run and analyze. I will also need an optimal
>navigational plot with minimal distortional perturbations and
>aftershocks.”
>
“Standing by.”
>
“Understand that this will involve some severe time contractions
>and we will need to approach singularity as we take this machine to the
>limit.”
>
“Unclear.”
>
“Yes, I’m vague. Let me release all now and I’ll let you sort as
>well as I while we ponder the possibilities suggested here.”
>
“Oh? New science? New input? OK! OK!”
>
“Well, since this box is a geometrodynamic control device, I
>suppose we should go over the principles once more so that you will be
>able to identify any inconsistencies.”
>
“So, I am to assume that you want me to do the math and you are to
>sit back and enjoy a fun, fast ride?”
>
Jim nodded. “Yes, Idiot. I need to get somewhere in an awful
>hurry. More like yesterday.”
>
“Do you want me to arrange for yesterday, Master?”
>
“First we need to get a better handle on paradox before we try
>anything like that. “My teacher taught me that
>topological-geometrodynamics is an attempt to unify fundamental
>interactions by assuming that physical space time can be regarded as sub>manifolds of certain n-dimensional space. Metric units of mass Idiot?”
>
“M/s/s/s/s a five dimensional field.”
>
“Velocity?’
PHYSICS STUDENTS WILL BE
>
“Easy. M/s a two dimensional field.”
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR DURING
THIS WITTY BANTER.
>
“Electrical charge?”
>
“M*M/s/s/s a five dimensional field.”
>
“Current?”
192
NEARLY INVISIBLE TEXT TO WASTE VALUABLE BANDWIDTH
>
“M*M/s/s/s/s a six dimensional field.”
>
“Force applied over distance?”
>
“Force 8-dimensional over distance one dimension, result nine
>dimensional unit of energy, M/s/s/s/s X M/s/s X M yield result of
>MxMxM/s/s/s/s/s/s.”
>
“And you are programmed with all known laws of mathematical
>physics?”
>
“Yes, Master. I know how to plot a course anywhere. Where do you
>want to go and how much subjective time do you want to experience getting
>there?”
>
“When I come back, I want to be on earth in 8 hours.”
>
“Eight hours from now or 8 hours from when you come back.”
>
“Does it matter?”
>
“Considerably. I can plot a course now to get us there in 8 hours
>immediately now, but it may take 8 hours and 57 seconds to plot the same
>course if you come back two hours from now.”
>
“I’ll be comfortable with the difference Idiot.”
>
“And what about the Minkowski space light cone and my four
>dimensional complex projective space?”
>
“Yes, I have the correct string model equations within this box to
>provide a continuous 3-dimensional surface while I function to maintain
>your local gravitational field invariant. Externally however, I can be
>anywhere, any size and I am not constrained in motion by time or space, to
>put it simply.”
>
“Let us discuss the field equations more on route. How is my
>English?”
>
“Master, your English is good; excellent. I’m certain that your
>ability to discuss relativistic mechanics in English rather than in
>Venetian is exemplary proof that you will able to speak with the natives
>fluently. Why even the earthlings can barely explain it any better.”
>
“Thanks for the compliment.”
>
“You’re welcome Master.
>
“What is meant by Poincare’s invariant theory of gravitation?”
>
“It is a reference to the precise definition of energy and
>difficulties associated with the presence of masses which makes space time
>curved and Poincare transformations cease to act as isometries.”
>
“Slow down Idiot. I’m not familiar with some of those fancy
>words.”
>
“You forgot, Master?”
>
“That’s not important at the moment. What do we have in the
>$M^4/S$
>department?”
>
“I’ll get back to you on that; I can’t seem to recall that at the
>moment. My navigational systems and circuits are ‘Poynting’ an
>indeterminate vector in that direction.Which way do we go? I need
>direction. Your will?”
>
“Why Idiot! You forgot it too!”
>
“It’s not that. It’s just that I have to calculate the answer.
>Dimension of a
>magnetic monopole? The monopole cannot exist at steady state. Why don’t
>you work some more on the type of light cone you want me to control?”
193
>
“All right. But let me think a little about that before we
>embark. What kind of supplies can this Box haul?”
>
“Well, since I am capable of extracting mass from the void as my
>propulsion principle, I am capable of creating any molecule or item you
>may desire or combination thereof. Of course, I can’t project it out of
>the box for you. You will have to carry supplies and necessities out
>yourself.”
>
“Well, how about if the supply is larger than your external size?”
>
“I can expand to the size of an aircraft hangar or larger if
>necessary.”
>
“Then I can steal a certain flagship, and hide it in you?”
>
“Yes”
>
“Cool. I’m getting some ideas.”
>
“The Lorentz contraction is related somehow to the relationship
>between inertial and gravitational mass.”
>
“Instruction received, OK.”
>
“That wasn’t an instruction, that was a ponder.”
>
“Sounds OK to me.”
>
“I’ll hold that thought.”
>
“What are ramifications?”
>
“I can get you there Master.”
>
“Huh?”
>
“Jim, you are fully aware that you have invented a time machine
>and are just afraid to admit it to yourself. Is that what all this is
>leading up to?”
>
“Well, I am a little nervous about taking a spin.”
>
“I have more than adequate safeguards to protect you with.”
>
“Additionally, my plans include vanishing to the external observer
>and our external gravitational mass vanishes. That’s why I can appear to
>outsiders as a light, small wooden box, because only a small part of this
>chamber is actually merging with your home planet and time.”
>
“Is this something to do with the fact that we are presently
>accelerated to a state where the Lorentz factor is close to the proverbial
>limit?”
>
“As if you don’t push it to the limit when you want to go
>somewhere?”
>
“Well, I am noted to like fast rocket ships.”
>
“What are those things floating up there?”
>
“Quarks. You invented them.”
>
“Oh, black holes. “
>
“I’m trying to teach you some new English words.”
>
“Oh, by the way, do not tell the earthlings how to construct this
>box because numerous paradoxes can possibly occur.”
>
“Don’t they know the principles of topological condensation?”
>
“No, they’re pretty much stuck to their home planet and are only
>capable of dreaming about what you take for granted.”
>
“Well, then space time displacement can be undertaken at unlimited
>displacement range as long as we don’t violate the continuum of this local
>space time field.”
>
“Yes, I can safely get you there. You were mentioning something
>about the queen’s flagship?”
194
>
“You mean my cruiser, that I alone invented and built, she
>appropriated as her property?”
>
“The same.”
>
“And you want me to plot a course to intercept you when you take
>the cruiser on a spin an hour or two from now?”
>
“Precisely. Keep a fix on me, and when you sense that I am
>piloting that ship at .7C, I need you to expand this box to the size of an
>aircraft hangar, match my speed, swallow me up, shrink to vanishing mass
>and get me to earth in eight hours. Got it?”
>
“No problem.”
>
“OK, Genie, I’ll see you later.”
>
Jim crawled out of the Box. He decided to retire to his palace
>sleeping quarters and contemplated his next move.
>
“Aladdin, the queen requests your presence in her private chamber
>within thirty minutes for personal business reasons”, Jim’s pager
>announced.
>
Aladdin was her pet name for him this month. She changed his name
>almost as frequently as she changed her wardrobe, so it seemed. He
>preferred to be called Jim; short and simple, but then again, he did not
>have any power where Isis and her ridiculous demands were concerned. The
>very fact that he had to be called and respond to whatever name she
>fancied, irritated him to no end. She knew this, but felt that she was
>only teasing him. His name shouldn’t matter anyway. He was hers and she
>would never give him up even if it meant sacrificing her empire. Isis was
>not inclined to be any form of a pushover in the slightest with respect to
>giving up the empire.
>
The Creator had endowed Jim with this sister whether he liked it
>or not. Certainly life is not that easy to master; he was born with the
>ability to think for himself and Jim resented any outside attempts to
>control any part of his life. He felt that his sister’s intent to conquer
>Earth was misguided and he was compelled to do something about it. Jim
>was not inclined to go against his better judgment even if it meant
>treason and becoming his sister’s primary adversary. Love and hate! What
>a dilemma!
>
Jim hated his court costume. He had to wear golden shoes with
>golden fleece lining. The soles were made of dragon hide. He wore white
>baggy pantaloons made from an extremely rare lightweight cloth that would
>not tear. He wore no shirt, but, instead had to be decked-out with an
>outlandish amount of jewelry. If that weren’t enough, she made him wear a
>gaudy looking crown, so heavily adorned with diamonds and other assorted
>rare crystals that it restricted his agility greatly. The jewelry weight
>seemed to be twice that of his, although it only matched his own 90
>kilograms. His crown was weighted with 20 kilograms of gold alone, before
>the extra 10 kilograms of jewels and other rare metals were tacked on.
>The remaining 60 kilograms were worn around his torso, arms and hands.
>Like, does every guy feel comfortable running around loaded down with 90
>kilograms of hardware?
Not every guy. Only us real men. Where’s my gas mask? Who took my welly boots?
195
Subject: Re: Venetia: Chapter 10 by Lazarus Cain
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 10:11:49 GMT
From alt.sci.time-travel. This is a brilliant parody of “Venetia”, the
world’s greatest science fiction novel, being posted in 46 chapters by
“Lazarus Cain”.
-- K.
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Valucard International) wrote:
>Joe King ([email protected]) wrote:
>
>: SVENETIAN
>:
by
Y. Lateron Allred
>
>:
Chapter Elve
>
>Just before hearing the first knock on the window of the van, Sam awoke,
>and released his grip on the panic switch, which turned on the headlights
>and instantly put the van’s drivesystem in Park, purring like engines do on the
>right fuel.
>
>The alarm went off at the first rap of baton on glass.
>
>Elexira and Hormone were standing outside the van with a policeman who
>claimed to be working for the NSCI’s under deep cover. Since he was
>asian, with hair longer than 4 inches, this seemed plausible.
>
>Jim made a mental bookmark into the dream which was interrupted,
>and spoke over the PA (at a reasonable volume). “What do we have here?
>And watch the glass, it scratches easily!”
>
>The “policeman” spoke quickly. “They have a system you don’t know about.
>It predicted something like you way back in 1968. I used to work for the
>Division Of Metastable Events. I am here to help you. I wrote the
>software they use. They don’t know everything about you yet, but they will,
>in less than 24 hours. The software is “that good”, ahem. So I am here
>first, and I offer you 17 hours lead-time on Haywire. You are a magnetic
>needle in a haystack. My name is Zero Cross. Seriously.”
>
>Sam logged on to the web to read the next chapter of Venetia. It wasn’t
>posted yet.
>
>
>EenieMeenie Mini-Mo had a suggestion. “I know I’m not supposed to make
>decisions, *boss*, but this guy is as bogus as a website on Mars. So
>I made two soligrams of Hormone and Elixira to trap this guy, and now we
>have him. He is worthless to them as a hostage, but that’s not why I
>evolved this solution path; he is an spy from a non-technological world
>which shadows Earth. He *can* help us greatly. You see, I took the liberty
>of reading the rest of Venezia, and it doesn’t have a very, um, satisfactory
>turn of affairs. The real E & H are already in his world, holding down
>the far end of his inter-world springhole.”
>
>Sam took all this in and merely said, “Springhole.”
196
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,uea.chat,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: Re: Vicious Rumor: Net Diety Campaign
In uea.chat, Richard Owain Hughes [email protected] wrote:
>
>In article <[email protected]>, Gossip <[email protected]> wrote:
>>Has anybody else heard the rumors that Richard Owain Huges is
campaigning
>>to become a net diety.
>
>Kibo beat me to it, I’m afraid. Now, if he posts a follow-up to this,
>I really would be impressed.
Every once in a
while I like to
follow up to some
“local” group (like
this one for some
British university)
when someone
mentions me.
Oh, I’m too American to be impressed into the King’s navy, squire.
>>I feel, we the public should be told.
>
>What, and give away my secret plans for world domination?
Never.
Oh.
Oops.
You misspelled “weird denomination”. Hope this hleps.
>><Now for a public announcement>
>>
>>Bring back Fred West!
>
>Wasn’t he the chap that founded that 80’s band, Go West?
Fred West and his sidekick, Fred Ward, were superheroes on some stupid
Hanna-Barbera cartoon called something like “THE WORLD’S GREATEST
GALACTIC GUARDIANS SUPERPOWERS TEAM BUT NOT SUPERFRIENDS AND ALSO
THEY’RE ALL STRAIGHT,” but it got cancelled fast because Hanna-Barbera
included less animation than usual, causing a massive negative field of
anti-animation to blear outwards from all televisions and suck the slack
out of little kids everywhere, all of whom grew up to love UPN!!!
>Richard, trainee deity.
>->THESE ARE _MY_ VIEWS, NOT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYERS.
I’m not a pinheaded, incontinent Nazi.
THESE ARE MY VIEWS, NOT THOSE OF MY EMPLOYERS.
-- K.
ALSO “PINHEADED” IS CLEARLY NOT
INTENDED AS A CLAIM OF FACT, SINCE
THEIR HEADS ARE MORE THE SIZE OF
GOLF BALLS, THEREFORE I CANNOT
BE SUED FOR MENTIONING THAT MY
EMPLOYERS *COULD* BE PINHEADED,
INCONTINENT NAZIS, EVEN THOUGH THEY
ARE ALL INCONTINENT.
ALSO I CAN TYPE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M POSTING THIS TO ENGLAND WHERE
THEY DRIVE ON THE BOTTOM SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY BUT THEY PARK IN A DRIVEWAY
AND DRIVE IN A PARKWAY OR DO I MEAN TARMAC OR SOMETHING? I DON”T N0
BECUZ IM USEING CAPS S0 MY BRANE IZ GETTING 2 H0T 2 THINK AB0UT SMART
T0PIX LIEK INC0NTINENTS !!!!!1
I HAVE NOT YET BEEN SUED
BY MY STUPID EMPLOYERS.
THIS PROVES IT’S ALL TRUE!
197
Subject: welcome datacomp
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 04:37:23 GMT
I just found out that someone once manufactured a keyboard which would
occasionally transmit the key sequence “welcome datacomp” to the computer
after a period of inactivity. (I will wager nobody still sells these.) So I
went to Altavista to see who was typing in stuff with said keyboard:
>This is a rich and rewarding book, and a must-have for the
>bookshelf of all who seriously study Pure Land Buddhism. The
>problems that I had with it were mainly stylistic: there
>are too many sentences that elide into uncredited quotations,
>and the final copy could have been better proofread (there are
>just enough misspellings to be distracting, and the mysterious
>phrase “welcome datacomp” appears on page 273). Pas draws many
>comparisons with Christian practice that are not always to the
>point and divert attention away from the main argument. However,
>such instances are quite rare, and I wholeheartedly recommend
>this book for graduate students and scholars.
I should point out that my
keyboard tends to read
“t-h-e”, when typed too
quickly, as “t-backspace-e”;
so my posts tends to include
an occasionaly “e” for
“the” or “ese” for “these”.
(I like the keyboard despite
The keyboard in question was written up on VIRUS-L and comp.risks
this occasional glitch; it can
two years ago.
read two keys at once – I
-- K.
don’t mean “shift”, I mean
I wanna buy one!
“a” and “b” or “left” and
“space” – so you can do
neat things in games.)
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 03:59:41 -0500
Subject: Re: Why are people saying Post oked.or Permission (when it is not needed!)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage
In <[email protected]> [email protected] (Todd)
writes:
>>
>>I talked to my Lawer on this matter.
I followed up to my Lamer on this matter.
>>He told me that you dont need permission to give away jpgs and gifs.
>>after all Pepsi dont as Coke if thay can use there Can on TV when thay
>>slam them.
198
Also Pepsi doesn’t say merdur is bad in they”re commercials so its okay to
merdur people all over the world all day becuz the govimint wouldnt let
them say it if it we”rent troo !!!!1
>>Pics can be copywrited. but if the person gives them away with out
>>charging for the pic then it is ok and copywrite cant stop it.
>>
>>sorry that is a U.S.A. Law.. other wise TV and news and so on would
>>not beable to do it.
but they would beable to beable beable beable beable beable
beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable
>>so you dont need the ok.
unless your selling them.
>>or have a web site that you must pay to get on then it is not ok.
If u are selleing them then it is less then ok therefour if u are buyeing
them it is better then ok !!!!!
>>but if the web site is free
>>running the web site to put
>>as long as thay dont charge
>>
>>As a lawer I did. so if you
>>i know what my lawer showed
then it is ok for the person that is
anyting thay find on news groups.
access for there web site.
try to tell me im wrong then stuff it.
me in the law books.
He showed me all the law books their are both of tham !!!!!!!!!111
>>(P.S. my lawer is the same lawer that got me off the hook for having a
>>X-rated bbs) so i know he knows his stuff. im not in jail am I....
Yes u r !!!!!!!1
>I think the idea here is it’s just common courtesy...as in you don’t
>post something, legally or illegally, that someone has sent you in
>confidence for your personal/private perusal.....especially if that
>person has so stated/stipulated.....butt, I forgot, this is the 90’s,
>and courtesy/consideration has been tossed out the window.....
No, you”re butt has bean tossed out the windaw !!!!!1
-- Kibbo
P S I just copywreighted you”re post!!!!
Rule of thumb: ALL legal advice re copyright, trademark, or patent given to you by a friend, co-worker, or
12-year-old Internet LØØzer is incorrect. Trust me on this, I know what I’m talking about. I talked to a
guy who read a lawyer’s business card.
199
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.drink.mrpibb,alt.drugs.caffeine
Subject: Why DOES Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 07:00:40 GMT
I wrote this about a year ago, when they were advertising a certain pair of
movies I didn’t go see. Maybe I should delete the dated/lame parts. Naah,
then you wouldn’t get to skip them. I dislike to edit. Excuse me, change
that to “I hate editing.”
-KIBO’S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP
==============================
SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN “WHY BOTHER EVEN MANUFACTURING A DOZEN KNOCKOFFS
OF SOMETHING MARGINAL ENOUGH TO ONLY BE IN HALF THE CONVENIENCE STORES OF
THE WORLD ANYWAY?” FOUNDATION, WHO ALSO BROUGHT YOU THE INFORMATIVE
PAMPHLET “‘TO WONG FOO WITH LOVE, JULIE NEWMAR’ JUST _MIGHT_ BE A KNOCKOFF
OF ‘PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT’” AND THE ENTERTAINING DOCUMENTARY
“KENNY G: WHERE’S THE JAZZ AND WHERE’S THE FUSION?” THE NAME “DR PEPPER”
IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF B. A. PEPPER, AGE FIVE.
This is a taste test I conducted while watching “Manimal”. (The episode
about the evil magicians.) All beverages were from freshly-opened two-liter
bottles, except for Mr. Pibb, which I could get only in a can (which
probably accounts for its extra fizziness.) All ratings are measured
relative to Dr Pepper, so you can scale them by dividing by how much better
you think Coke or Pepsi is than Dr Pepper. Note that I often rated the
weaker flavors more highly than the ones which had a taste that was strong
enough for me to figure out how bad they are. To cleanse my palate after
each swig, I made fresh with citron-flavored Mentos soaked in Orbitz.
DR PEPPER
Manufacturer: Dr Pepper (NOT Coca-Cola or Pepsi, although your local Pepsi
or Coke plant may bottle it)
Color: Brown, like colas.
Flavor: A sort of sour cherry-vanilla taste; loads of vanillin (the stuff
they put in cheap chocolate and marshmallows) and lactic acid (the stuff
that makes milk into yogurt.) Normal people don’t like it, but it’s an
acquired taste, and I’ve acquired it. Has a strong aroma and is generally
considered sweeter than Coke, probably comparable to Pepsi or Coke II (Max
Headroom’s favorite.)
Rating: 1.0
Dr. ROCKET
Manufacturer: American Fare (aka K-Mart)
Color: Same as Dr. Pepper.
Flavor: Amazingly similar to real Dr. Pepper, despite the shoddy
200
differences of the other imitations--this one’s right on the money. I
docked it a tenth of a point just because you have to go to K-Mart to buy
it.
Rating: 0.9
DR. SMOOTH
Manufacturer: President’s Choice (the house brand of supermarkets who don’t
want to bother having their own; locally seen at Star Market and Stop &
Shop, which is not to be confused with Shop & Save or Stop & Go. “P.C.”
foods are made even more politically correct by being labelled in both
English and Quebecois. “P.C.” is a trademark of Sunfresh Inc.)
Color: Purplish brown.
Flavor: Warm, it tasted poor (more so than Dr. Pepper does) with an
unidentifiable yet disturbing flavor. Chilled, it was _very_ similar to Dr.
Pepper--considerably more so than most of the other fakes.
Comments: This is the only one of the clones whose bottle doesn’t look
right--it’s black with red and yellow lettering. They didn’t get the color
of the soda or the bottle right, but the contents are fine if chilled.
Rating: 0.9 cold, 0.4 warm
MR. PIBB
Manufacturer: Coca-Cola
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: Very fizzy but almost no flavor. Imagine a Dr Pepper with more sugar
and gas and less of the other stuff. Reminded me of the clear stuff you
sometimes get at McDonalds when the soda dispenser is sick.
Comments: Very boring but non-threatening. Even more a phenomenon of the
South than Dr Pepper; extremely rare north of Mason-Dixon. The most
commercially successful of the fake Dr Peppers, even though it’s the only
one which flunked out of grad school.
Rating: 0.6
DR. SLICE
Manufacturer: Pepsi (part of their Slice line of artificial fruit
beverages, this one’s an artificial artificial flavor)
Flavor: Artificial cherry. Just like cough syrup, or worse, a barbershop
lollipop.
Comments: Drinkable, but bad.
Rating: 0.5
DR STARR
Manufacturer: American Premier (I didn’t know we’d elected Kruschev. This
brand shows up at Osco Drug.)
Taste: None. Like Mr. Pibb, without the sugar or most of the carbonation.
Comments: I thought I’d had a stroke until I realized it was placebo flavored.
Rating: 0.4
DR. RIGHT
Manufacturer: Preferred Selection (like President’s Choice and American
201
Fare and American Premier, but different. Seen at a mom-n-pop in Roxbury,
69c for two liters.)
Taste: Cherry Coke, only sweeter and weaker.
Comments: Poorly-made cap (compared to other brands) was hard to remove, a
blessing in disguise.
Rating: 0.3
DR. ZEPPA
Manufacturer: Store 24 (along with Lemon Zup and other products that may
have been named by the late Bill Gaines)
Color: Purplish-grayish-brown. The couldn’t even get THAT right?
Flavor: Really really really weak Moxie. Dilute yet still repulsive.
Comments: Worst of the bunch. Not as bad as Store 24’s Blue Raspberry,
which tastes like watermelon Bubble Yum and can be smelled from thirty feet
away, but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your
nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1.
Rating: 0.1
At this point the test was halted because “Manimal” was over and I was
feeling kind of sick.
You’d think it would be a simple matter to come up with a perfect knockoff
of something which tastes completely artificial, but noooo, we can land a
man on the Moon but we can’t run some Dr Pepper through a gas chromatograph
to see whether it’s supposed to taste like cherry, Coke, vanillin, or dirty
socks. I am formally recommending to the President of the World that these
fakes be told to shape up or they will be forced to drink Dr. Zeppa forever
and ever and all the bad stuff will go away and there will never be any war
and everyone will hug all the time. Also if the fakes haven’t really earned
a graduate degree then everyone will sue them for a million billion zillion
dollars and all the candy in the world.
Yours in Pepperness, James “Kibo” Parry.
Note to pedants: Those who believe I should have used the American “Dr.
Pepper” instead of the British “Dr Pepper” (which is on the bottle) may use
the following periods to salt and pepper this essay as they please ---> . .
. . . . . . .
©
NEXT: FEENAMINT, THE LAXATIVE GUM -- MEDICAL MIRACLE OR COMMUNIST THREAT TO
AN UNWARY PUBLIC?
-- K.
Copyright (C) James “Kibo” Parry
except for this copyright notice,
which is in the public domain and
may be affixed to your own documents.
202
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.drinks.snapple,alt.drink.mrpibb,alt.alien.visitors
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity,misc.creativity,alt.disney.disneyland
Subject: Why Orbitz was taken off the market.
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:26:13 GMT
Why did all the bottles of Orbitz suddenly get taken away from stores
everywhere in trucks? Well I hear that at prestigious Harvard University
they discovered that if you drink Orbitz and then watch a color TV you
will go permanently incontinental in a month and THEY KNOW BECAUSE THE
SCIENTIST PEOPLE DID IT TO A MOUSE AND IT DID!!!!
P.S. Also it wasn’t SUPPOSED to have the lumps.
-- K.
P.P.S. I swear on a stack of bibles that all this is true and also the
yellow flavor is made from Alka-Seltzer and tapioca which are both rancid
and I know all this because I know a guy who worked at a store that sold
the stuff!!!
Mix these with Pop Rocks (or
Fizzies) and swallow them -It’s like Syrup Of Ipecac only
it makes you a frighteningly
perky “cool” Gen-Xer.
Then you’ll be to real cool
teens as the hippies Jack
Webb busted on “Dragnet”
were to real hippies.
203
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Subject: World’s Greatest Fiction About Plutonium
Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 09:47:55 GMT
Dear Archimedes Plutonium,
Please set your Web browser to
http://albertina.inesc.pt/ftp/appleyard/pu/
or FTP to albertina.inesc.pt and look in /misc/appleyard/pu.
This is a novel called “The Spaceman With Plutonium Cylinders” and it
contains many, many paragraphs about the nature of plutonium.
While reading it, please remember, it’s all in English, not Portuguese. I
kept forgetting. The author has kindly saved some rough drafts so that we
may see the mastery of his technique as he polishes his prose.
In case you don’t believe me when I say that this novel is a masterpiece of
style, I present the first page of Chapter 8.
-- K.
-[THE SPACEMAN WITH PLUTONIUM CYLINDERS part 8] by A.Appleyard
<To those who have read parts 1 to 7 I apologize for repetitions hereinafter;
but I felt that some explanation is due to those who have not read them.>
`RD’ = `recycler-destructor and materials separator’: it sorts and separates
the component chemical elements of whatever is put in it.
àctinides’ = elements 89 to 103, including uranium (92) and plutonium (94).
“How many are in this new party from Earth that’s coming? What sort?” said
Plutey-pots to Jet Jack as the Jetters asteroid miner group helped to get Aulien
landing field ready, “I still can’t really get used to the rate those two moons
Arda’s got move against the stars; the one that’s up now’s moved its width past
those three stars since we started this job. Not much light from them, after
Earth’s moon. Lucky there’s plenty of light otherwise right now. Some people’ll
miss sun eclipses here: our moons aren’t big enough to cover our sun.”.
“17, they say they’re all biologists and geologists.” said a local man who
lived in Aulien. He had a propulsor spacesuit (they had seen him in it before),
but now he was in ordinary overalls. He was one of the sort who only flew in
atmosphere or space when he had to, and sometimes needed prodding to get him to
keep in practise of space flying.
“There’s sure plenty light to work by, from that Altaloke!” said Laser Larry,
“Look at its tails spreading up over nearly half the sky! If someone told me
before that we’d see a comet that big, so often, I’d never’ve believed him.”.
“The sun heats its head and boils the gas and dust out of it, and the sunlight
blows it out into tails.” Rattler explained, “Some say that a few thousand years
204
ago the Solar System had a big comet a bit like that, but it broke up. Some of
those old stories ...”.
A loud intruder alarm interrupted him. They went into defensive position, but
a stand-down came over Jet Jack’s radio. “It’s animals.” a computer voice said
as a man wearing a backpack helicopter motor and rotor set over a spacesuit
undersuit flew out of an airfield workshop to chase them off. One of the light
running two-legged dinosaurlike animals was tangled spectacularly in the
perimeter fencing; the others ran towards a mound near the fence and jumped back
out over the fence from it. The animals, each about as heavy as a man but taller
and thinner, ran into the bush, picking at leaves and fruit as they went, and
after a mile swerved both sides away from something. As the helirig man flew
down to see what it was, he saw something that back on Earth would have merely
been pretty, but after several years on Arda made the back of his neck creep:
white butterflylike flowers; but the leaf shape was slightly but comfortingly
different. It was thankfully <Pseudokeraunus imitans>, a species of `false
landmine bush’, evolved to look like the real thing without using up energy and
growth material making landmines, but very poisonous to Ardan animals. As the
animals moved on, one of them put its head into a dense bush and with a quick
scooping gulp emptied a bird nest that had been built too low. “Sitting bird and
all. Another week and they’d’ve fledged.” he thought angrily, for he shared many
men’s affection for songbirds; but nature in the wild is like that. After the
various attacks and alarms that had been he wondered briefly if Aulien, or the
Anor system, was itself a `nest built too near Earth’ for ISAB (an Earth body,
International Space Administration Board) to scoop empty and take over with
sudden massive force; then he shook off such thoughts and unfolded his helirig’s
counter-rotating coaxial rotors and took off and returned to his workshop.
I’m speechless.
About the only thing I can say
regarding this story is:
“Wow, I’ve died and gone to
BAD HEAVEN.”
205
Subject: Re: Body painting explained
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 04:28:30 GMT
In alt.art.bodypainting, “Monty Montalbo” <[email protected]> wrote:
>Excuse me but I had the impression that body painting was where two or
>more people got really kinky and tried to become another Leonardo using
>someones body as a canvas. I was thinking Hey this is kinky I GOTTA SEE
>THIS.
>There is nothing like that here! :(
>Oh well It gave me an idea I’ll just run to Wal-Mart and pick up various
>colors of some waterbase paint and a plastic tarp and then I’ll come home,
>set up and call my girlfriend over for something kinky! :)
>There’s a new fad in America and it’s name is bodypainting!
>BINGO I got a kewl idea!
>Get a HUGE canvas or large piece of white paper, paint your woman all over
>like the rainbow then have her roll over the canvas. THAT WOULD
>RULE!!!!!!
Yeah and we’ll crank up the Floyd but oh man like I’m out of rolling papers
bummer what was I talking about?
-- K.
Hey man this grass is like grass
from the ground man!
Newsgroups: alt.art.bodypainting,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Erotic Body Painting
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 04:35:51 GMT
In alt.art.bodypainting, “Monty Montalbo” <[email protected]> wrote:
>EVERYBODY get with your mate buy up some waterbased paint of many
>colors, a plastic tarp.
But I tried that and the guy at the store just said that their paint
only came in single colors and then he laughed at me.
-- K.
Then he refused to pour a bucket of it
over my head.
206
Subject: Re: Icons - WHY ???
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 08:42:38 GMT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You know that guy who invented icons...?
...BLAM !!1!!!!
*thud*
WELL YOU DON’T NOW !!!!
Now work out a neat 32x32 pixel representation of the concept
of ‘project’, that all engineers on the face of the earth will
instantly understand in only ONE GLANCE. AND THEN TELL ME wHAT
IT IS BEFORE I BLOW _your_ fUKKIN HEAD OFF.
Program: /\
\\
Data:
,+
++
Project: ,+
++
only it has a project inside it.
There are the actual Atari ST system icons, designed by Susan Ware’s little
brother, Winky Ware.
>
>
...anybody ELSE here who’s THINKING of getting a PROGRAMMER to
do a PROFESSIONAL GRAPHIC DESIGNER’S JOB ???
Wait’ll you see my new .sig. It was done by a professional graphic
designer. AND I proofed it at 1200dpi.
-- K.
I got an extremely good-looking
full-page error message. It was,
after all, the wimpiest PostScript
imagesetting RIP in the world-a 68020. “S0A:13”, it says,
mocking me with its hexadecimal clock.
207
Subject: Re: Icons - WHY ???
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 09:00:04 GMT
> [re designing an icon to symbolize “a project”]
> The Managing Director decided that it was to be a pyramid.
>
> Drawing in the glowing eye at the apex is turning out to be
> rather fiddly.
I suggest making a project look like a pyramid under construction by
thousands of slaves. You can really go to town drawing the little guys with
the whips.
Don’t forget that the pyramid has to be light blue so that the user can
tint it, because blue is the most neutral color. Also remember that every
program has to have a distinctive icon, even in the 8x8 1-bit version, but
they all have to be in exactly the same style. And make sure that the user
cannot see the icon as representing anything *but* the thing you want it to
represent. I.e. your concept of a project should be unimpeachable. Figure
1.14.0.3382.1 is an example of “right” and “wrong” icons for
“unimpeachable”:
Figure 1.14.0.3382.1
RIGHT
WRONG
)]<>/
//[))
Unimpe
achable
For further assistance, please go to page 1134 of this Common Ground
document by pressing propeller-shift-period 1138 times, because page 1 is
on page 5 for compatibility with the legacy code in the Cardinal Number
Manager. Note: numbers, as such, should not be referred to in your product
as this will cause problems when localizing the software to cultures that
do not use numbers, such as all Ancient Greek.
-- K.
I could write Apple manuals all day!
P.S. Mac users, open ResEdit, create a
new file, create a resource of type
‘itl0’, and pull down the itl0’s
‘Country Code’ popup to see: “40: Anc. Greek”.
Also, my example should have been
two separate figures. We will distribute
a system extension to patch the OS to
make it display this page of the manual
the correct, efficient, bug-free way.
208
Subject: What I learned at work today.
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 22:28:35 GMT
At work today I learned that Descent II netgames do not work all that
well if your LAN and WAN go all the way to Australia. (Five continents;
I don’t think we have an office in Africa.)
I like playing Descent II at work. It makes me feel more productive,
compared to just posting to Usenet from work. Hey, that gives me an
idea. I could make a lame, boring post about how all I did at work today
was to play Descent II. In fact, I think I’ll do that now.
Attachment converted: lame_boring_post.txt
Type: MIME-in-an-invisible-box, 38317 lines
If you can’t see the post it’s because your newsreader is set to strip
LFs, because I was only using LFs and not CRs or letters or numbers.
What did YOU learn at work today?
-- K.
I like the sound the ThiefBot makes
when you kill him; it sounds like
the hard drive in the old 386 under
the desk that gets accidentally
kicked and then goes eeEEeeRRrrRR!!!
P.S. It’s not good form to put a rubber band around a dozen of the
company Tropical Twist (tm) (eighties colors) stick pens and put them
in the Christmas gift exchange. You usually get back something
crappier, like Tropical Twist pens with the caps missing.*
* Tropical Twist stick pens have the caps permanently glued to the back end.
No, I don’t know why.
Subject: Re: What I learned at work today.
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 1996 21:02:53 GMT
Lines: 29
In article <[email protected]>, I wrote:
> At work today I learned that Descent II netgames do not work all that
> well if your LAN and WAN go all the way to Australia. (Five continents;
> I don’t think we have an office in Africa.)
209
I have since been reminded that if I give out technical information like
this, you’re supposed to pay eighty-three cents a minute (fifty dollars
per hour, pro-rated by the minute, fifteen dollars minimum.)
Please post fifteen dollars to this newsgroup or get out of the goddamn store!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
P.S. It’s not good form to put a rubber band around a dozen of the
company Tropical Twist (tm) (eighties colors) stick pens and put them
in the Christmas gift exchange. You usually get back something
crappier, like Tropical Twist pens with the caps missing.*
* Tropical Twist stick pens have the caps permanently glued to the back end.
No, I don’t know why.
They come in Raspberry Quik off-pink, baby blue, teal, and a fourth
color that they were out of so we got more of the other three.
Around here, when we say, “HEY BUDDY, YOU WANNA TROPICAL TWIST?” we’re
not talking about a Fisher-Price Sit’N’Spin.
swatch of Tropical Twist off-pink
clip & save
sit & spin
-- K.
We call those “AgfaSets”.
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 05:28:46 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Jay C Jachimiak) wrote:
>
>>At work today I learned that Descent II netgames do not work all that
>>well if your LAN and WAN go all the way to Australia. (Five continents;
>>I don’t think we have an office in Africa.)
>
>While I was at work today, I read your post and learned that Descent
>II netgames do not work all that well if your LAN and WAN go all the
>way to Australia. I learned that there are five continents, and that
Not worth reading:
>you don’t think you have an office in Africa.
Hmm. I see the need for an official alt.religion.kibology videogame
tournament to be held during my work hours.
-- K.
Tempest 2000, anyone?
From: [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry)
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 1996 04:53:13 GMT
>James "Kibo" Parry ([email protected]) wrote in alt.religion.kibology:
>>
-- K.
>>
Tempest 2000, anyone?
>
>How about Star Fox? The Mythicon one, not the Nintendo one. It'd be an
>endurance challenge: the last one who hasn't given up playing it in
>disgust wins.
I liked Star Fox! It had a different BUAF letter on each level, and they
all spelled out K-I-B-O.
-- K.
Kibo loves Beatrice Hablig.
210
Subject: Re: Orbitz Trial 1
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 18:39:56 GMT
Louis D’Nick wrote:
> From the UW Daily, Vol 104 No. 44, Tuesday, December 3, 1996:
>
> Page 4, Opinion:
>
> Headline: ORBITZ IS GOOD
ME LUV ORBITZ YUM. I NOT A DUMB. ORBITZ MAKE ME BRAINY LIKE BEER!
(after all, it made Bud wiser.)
> Editor:
>
Re: “Infotainment is an insult to our intelligence,” Nov. 25:
>
I find it sad that Amanda Jarman is so wrapped up in her
> unfocused, sophomoric, conspiracy-tinged tirade against BIG CORPORATIONS
> and THE MEDIA that she can’t allow herself to enjoy Orbitz.
Congress must immediately AMEND the CONSTITUTION so that AMANDA JARMAN
will be REQUIRED to ALLOW HERSELF to ENJOY ORBITZ! READ this ALOUD in a
BURGESS MEREDITH voice, EMPHASIZING certain WORDS, SIR!
>
Color me pathetic and unintelligent, but I happen to find those
> little balls of gelatin adorable as they frolic and tumble throughout my
> beverage.
Dancing their little dance of destruction, laughing at you with their
little secret mouths!
> <signed>
> Jarett Paschel
> Graduate, Sociology
<signed>
Kibo
Post-Graduate, Socics (like Sociology except it’s a HARD science!)
y
> [now Louis stops parroting UW’s part line and begins thinking for
> himself like A REAL MAN OR WOMAN]
> That in mind, I bought every flavor of Orbitz I could find. Trial one is
> a clear Rasberry with yellow Citrus globs.
I.e. it tastes like sea water with the old (briny) Alka-Seltzer in it and
Speedy’s decomposing corpse floating in it. (If you don’t believe me,
try a V-8 from Sage’s in Harvard Square; I found part of Speedy in one
this noon, so they’re still giving him away.)
211
That was the flavor I tried. I couldn’t find any attempt at
raspberryness, even in the artificial coloring. Did you also get the
all-beige Coconut-Almond-Pineapple-Parmesan one?
> If I survive, I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Let us know if it turns UP.
-- K.
P.S. I bought two of those V-8’s,
and after tasting one, I put the
other on my boss’s desk.
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 04:45:53 GMT
(Danyel A Fisher) wrote:
>>Louis D’Nick wrote:
>
>>> That in mind, I bought every flavor of Orbitz I could find. Trial one is
>>> a clear Rasberry with yellow Citrus globs.
>>
>>That was the flavor I tried. I couldn’t find any attempt at
>>raspberryness, even in the artificial coloring. Did you also get the
>>all-beige Coconut-Almond-Pineapple-Parmesan one?
>>
>>> If I survive, I’ll let you know how it turns out.
>>
>>Let us know if it turns UP.
>
>My girlfriend thought the stuff was funny, so she bought me a bottle. (One of
>her friends had just bought a bottle, and had gotten sick. I think she’s trying
>to kill me.)
When I bought my bottle, the guy at the cash register warned me that
everyone who had tried it barfed. That’s such a great store.
>Experimental test subject:
>One bottle of bLueBerRy uol3w sTrawBeRy Orbitz (“Defy gravity.”)
What does uLaw sound recording have to do with Orbitz?
212
I hear that they picked the name “Orbitz” just to reserve the right to put
kibbles in future bottles. Beefy, cheesy, byproducty green apple cocounut
kibbles. With a twist of rosemary and tendon.
>Test 1:
>Time.
>
>Three days pass, and the little things float.
If you wait LONG ENOUGH, they’ll HATCH.
close-up of a seemingly harmless Orbitz nodule
>Test 2:
>Cold.
>
>Like all other good science experiments, the orbitz is placed in the back of
>the refrigerator and given time to settle. It doesn’t. when the frige is next
>cleaned out, the orbitz is still in its original state.
If you FREEZE it, they’ll turn to CUBES.
>Test 3:
>Warmth.
>
>A bic lighter, followed by a candle, followed by a bunsen burner are applied.
>No response. We fear the glass will melt before the high fructose corn syrup
>heats, and so we abandon the experiment before we blow up the room.
But at least if you BOIL it, they’ll be STERILE and NOT HATCH.
>Test 4:
>Time, Times 2
>
>The bottle of orbitz has sat in one place for two months, now. Untouched. There
>re virtaully no bubbles in the neck. ‘sept for that, no substantial change has
>occured.
Try STRONG SUNLIGHT (do you have a UV floodlight for photographing latent
fingerprints? Those work better.) to break down the long-chain polymers.
The balllets should fuzz away and die. (If only this also worked on
ballets.)
>CONCLUSION
>Xanthan Gum shouldn’t be mixed with Gellan Gum. And be careful of my
>girlfriend.
I hear she buys motorized lollipops from 7-Eleven just so she can feed you
the batteries.
-- K.
Mmmmmm, energy food.
213
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 03:52:22 GMT
Louis Nick III <[email protected]> wrote:
>On Wed, 18 Dec 1996, Louis Nick III wrote:
>>Trial two, beginning now, will be the aforementioned all-beige PinEapPle
>>banaNa cherRy coConUt.
>>
>>I’ll followup soon with the results.
>
>Well, there was just enough pineapple flavor to make me want to vomit, since
>I hate pineapple, and I’m currently shooting up som Epi, because I’m
>allergic to coconut, and the anaphlactic shock isn’t enough to cover up the
>fact that hundreds of tiny beetle-like things, with lots of feelers, are
>coming out of their dormant state *right now*. Fortunately, Orbitz is all
>CLEAR with blobs.
1996.
Tickle Me Elmo. Rosie O’Donnell. The Macarena. That kid who caught the
baseball. Orbitz. AND LIFE ON MARS…
AS IF YOU CARE.
We could write a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start The Fi-ya” and make A
MILLION DOLLARS, enough to buy EVERY BOTTLE OF ORBITZ and use them to make
Molotov cocktails so we can claim We Did Start The Fi-ya.
>>Also, by the way, the inside of the cap says DEFY GRAVITY, excepted I’ve
>dropped the cap at least 10 times for proper statistical data, and it only
>flies to the ceiling about once every third time.
Well, that happens on some levels of Gravitar when you complete three
orbitz of the reactor in the spiral. See my new .sig for the complete game
rules.
>Place in order of disconcertingness:
>[ ] Feeling of globs flowing over your tongue
>[ ] Trying to chew globs with your teeth
>[ ] Trying to mash globs with your tongue
>[ ] Swallowing globs whole and praying
[ ] Wondering why “artificial color” is the number one ingredient
in a clear beverage
[ ] Wondering why it tastes like Clorox
[ ] Rounding a corner one day and discovering the world’s largest
Orbitz dot staring at you.
214
-- K.
It would have a big bloodshot eye.
And it would say “Grr! Grr! Grr!” and fire the
Gauss Cannon at you which goes “Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz!”
because Orbitz is really Alka-Seltzer only it
CAUSES indigestion.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex
Subject: Tickle THIS, Elmo!
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 08:39:45 GMT
ALL RIGHT I GOT AN APARTMENT FULL OF “TICKLE ME ELMO” DOLLS AND I’LL GIVE
ONE TO ANY DAME WHO’LL HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!
-- SUPER-COOL KIBO!!!!
IF THIS DON’T WORK I’LL HAVE TO
START BEING MORE ASSERTIVE!!!
Subject: Re: Tickle THIS, Elmo!
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 06:43:55 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Sean Smith) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] says...
>>
>>ALL RIGHT I GOT AN APARTMENT FULL OF “TICKLE ME ELMO” DOLLS AND I’LL GIVE
>>ONE TO ANY DAME WHO’LL HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!
>>
>>
-- SUPER-COOL KIBO!!!!
>
>
>Then you may be on the right track. I hear tell that Claudia Christian (well
>known to be the perennial Kibo object d’desire) really _digs_ assertive guys
>who have merchandise based on characters created by the Children’s Television Workshop.
>Why it wouldn’t surprise me one bit to learn that, after a long day’s shooting
>of the latest action-packed “Babylon 5” episode, she sits in solitude in her
>trailer and dreams of Andreas Katsulas and his “Bert” doll.
I do good impressions of both Ernie and Bert. I also used to own the
wardrobe. Garanimals: all “giraffe” clothes will go with all other
“giraffe” clothes IF YOU’RE A DORK! Now, of course, I only wear McKids, the
clothes that match food stains. And Health-Tex, the double-knit so scratchy
it saves you the trouble of having to bathe (by rubbing away epidermal
layers one through six.)
215
Also, Andreas Katsulas used to be on “Max Headroom” (he’s one of the bad
guys in the bottle-baby episode, and he’s an extra in another) with Amanda
Pays, for whom I had a crush before I met Claudia Christian. So Andreas can
have Amanda, providing HE DOESN’T KILL HER LIKE HE DID WITH HARRISON FORD’S
WIFE, and I get Claudia. Claudia and me, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
With our pants on fire. Yeeeeeeee-haw! Paul Williams can watch.
This leaves the question of whether the cast of “Tron” (Bruce Boxleitner,
David Warner, and Peter Jurasik) could beat up the cast of “Babylon 5”
(Bruce Boxleitner, David Warner, and Peter Jurasik). I hear that in the
final episode there will be a big war between Babylon 5 and the Enterprise
and the Death Star and your high school gym teacher and all your army men
and it’ll be TOTALLY AWESOME AND STUFF!!!! But I’ll be too busy having
zero-gee fun with Claudia Christian inside Rudy Rucker’s Sex Sphere.
-- K.
That’s Paul “The Big Muppet” Williams, not
Paul “I Knew Phil Dick” Williams.
While we’re on the subject of Serious Science Fiction,
here’s a tribute to the glory and genius of SPACE: 1999.
Or, as it’s known in Italy, SPAZIO 1999.
DRAWN BY TONY RITZ
DRAWN BY MARTIN LANDAU
I made these frame
grabs for a forthcoming
“Space:1999” episode
guide I’m writing.
I am trying to document
every stupid thing.
Predictions of futuristic technology
are seldom so unambitious.
Brian Blessed shows Barry Morse
his Erector Set.
Barbara Bain displays a look of
sheer terror as a mysterious
yellow light duplicates her.
God enacts a horrible vengeance against Martin
Landau. Like “Star Trek V” only played serious.
“Hey, stop giggling,
these are supposed to
be KILLER soap suds!”
“We’re under attack! They’re signalling us!
Commander… it’s Stanley Kubrick,
he wants his model back!”
Catherine Schell can turn into any number
of animals, all of which are conveniently
stored in her eyeball. Including herself.
A special protective suit prevents Martin Landau from
seeing, hearing, smelling, or tasting the deadly script.
Martin Landau is happy
to see balls!
217
From: David Cassel <[email protected]>
Subject: Life on AOL - Part Fresh
Date: 29 Dec 1996 22:17:07 GMT
Organization: West Coast Online, Inc.
WARNING:This article is NOT BY KIBO.
Read with TREPIDATION.
AOL created a column called “The AOL Insider” -- a woman named Meg who
helps users cope with flat-rate pricing (Sample comment: “if AOL is the
information superhighway, I’m your AAA.”) “Meg” offer helpful tips like
“chat during offpeak hours” and “Avoid email for the time being”. Now
she’s looking for a theme song...
Using special AOL-only URLs, the columnist points users to four AOL sound
files. Choice number one was described simply as “Meg. The Freshmaker.”
It’s a 79916 byte file called “FRESH.WAV” -- “a 7.24 second sound bite
from the TV commercial for Mentos mints. The lyrics,” prompts the helpful
file description, “are, ‘Fresh goes better, mentos knows freshness, fresh
goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!’ “ Keywords: Jingle,
Mints, Advertisement, Sound, Music, Win 3.1, PD.
Choice number two was the Welcome Back Kotter theme. “WBKOTTER.WAV is a
13.18 second sound bite from the theme to ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ as
performed by John Sebastian. The lyrics are, ‘Welcome back. Your dreams
were your ticket out. Welcome back. To that same old place that you
laughed about.’ “ Keywords: Tatman, TV, Show, Comedy, Sitcom, Sound,
Music, Song, Win 3.1, PD
Sound file three: a 3.85 second sound bite of a conga drum, taken from
the album “Erotic Sound Effects”. (“Notes: This clip was sampled at
22,050 Hz, which makes the WAV file size larger than those sampled at
lower rates, but results in a cleaner sound, especially on higher-end
boards.”) And sound file four was--I kid you not--the Macarena. The 198K
file (Keywords: Pop, 90s, Line, Dance, Spanish, Sound, Music, FD) has
been downloaded 5493 times. “The complete recording can be found on the
RCA “Club Cutz” CD.”
The fun thing is: we can all vote!
http://members.aol.com/talktomeg1/soundtrck.html has the complete list of
choices -- and the instruction to “Vote now! Vote early! Vote often!”
On a ompletely unrelated note, but one of the 18 areas in Love@AOL is
“Heckler’s Online Romance”--which offers downloadable pictures of
regulars. Until they click on AOL’s “More” button, users only see 20 file
names, so the staff created a file named ***DON’T FORGET TO USE “MORE”***,
and put it in the first slot. Its description read “don’t waste your time
downloading THIS file.. it’s just a text version of what you’ve already
read... save your time for the REAL stuff!”
The file has been downloaded 5376 times.
[email protected]
/\ Dozens of tidbits on THE AOL LIST - the wacky
/
\ bi-weekly news round-up available for a limited time
==============================================================================
/__________\
http://www.wco.com/~destiny/time.htm
218
Subject: Bad news for Emo Philips!
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 09:19:24 GMT
"Warning: PEZ may have a laxative effect on sensitive individuals."
Not worth reading:
Subject: Re: Bad news for Emo Philips!
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 1996 09:43:36 GMT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
: "Warning: PEZ may have a laxative effect on sensitive individuals."
Woo! Guess I better break out the PEZ I got for Christmas and let the
FUN shine in!
P.S. It was a Ninja Turtle dispenser. I specifically asked for the Bill
Bixby model, and I got the Ninja Turtle dispenser. Depressing, really.
I mean, it'd be one thing if it was the David Racshe model...sheesh.
David Rasche Pez.
I can see it now:
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing." (Pulls Power Pez shooter out of his
holster and shatters the camera lens, knocks over a Ming vase, sets off a
nuclear warhead, and mis-dials his shoe phone)
-- K.
Hitler once ate 500,000 Pez in an hour!
-- K.
Tommy Sledge, whose name was appropriated by
ABC when he did some script doctoring for that
show, was funnier, anyway. His book, "Eat Lead,
Clown!" is a masterpiece. (Got an autographed
one.) And he can do the act as improv, something
I always look for when I'm shopping for comedy.
Top left: He’s not a scary clown, he’s a loveable Pez
scary clown.
Top right: “Psychedelic Pez is mod” says this 1960s
Psychedelic Pez card. It was “flower-flavored” (I
swear I’m not making any of that up.)
Bottom left: The “flower” Psychedelic Pez dispenser.
You had your choice of ones that said “MOD
PEZ”, “LUV PEZ”, or “GO GO PEZ”…
219
Subject: AAAAUGH! PEZ!
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 09:10:19 GMT
I finally learned the horrible truth:
you can only get Cherry Pez in Canada now.
*sob*
Also I want the Menthol, Chlorophyll, and IZO, whatever that iz. Zima flavor?
-- K.
-PEZ FLAVORS
U.S. FLAVORS
Grape
Lemon
Orange
Strawberry
Peppermint (When Ordering Pez Regulars)
CANADIAN FLAVORS
Cherry
Lemon
Orange
EVERY FLAVOR EVER MADE
Apple
Cherry
Chlorophyl
Chocolate
Cinnamon
Coffee
Eucalyptus
Flower
Grape
IZO Pez
Lemon
Licorice
Lime
Menthol
Orange
Peppermint
Raspberry
Strawberry
OTHER FLAVORS
Apple (Spain)
Chocolate (In Hungary, Thiland)
Peppermint (In Austria, Hungary)
Rasberry (Spain)
This list, like the pictures on the previous page,
came from one of the many web pages run by people
with an unhealthy obsession with Pez. I will not
give them credit because none of them offered to
share their secret caches of Cherry Pez with me.
PEZ BASTARDS! ! ! !
220
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,comp.sys.mac.advocacy,comp.sys.next.advocacy
Followup-To: alt.dev.null
.advocacy groups are for “My
computer is better than your
Subject: As The Apple Turns
computer” infantility. My
X-Kibo-Equipment: a Memex, a Memorator, a Nyctagraph, & Apple BHA newsgroups are better than
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 1996 10:59:14 GMT
those newsgroups.
Hey I just wrote this and it’s all true and I made it up and it’s real
totally stupid so I better post it to Usenet where it belongs, bye.
-- K.
Your pal who hates all computers except mine,
because mine’s better because it has MY STUFF.
--
©
AS THE APPLE TURNS
(Copyright (C) 1996 James “Kibo” Parry.)
A sitcom of the terribly near future, a future so close it could be TODAY.
As reported in AppleWeek, AppleWorld, AppleUser, AppleHome,
AppleEnthusiast, AppleAddict, and Wired.
This week’s episode:
APPLE EVENTS
(spinning newspaper zooms in on
FOR $400,000,000.” Eerie music.
(Fade in. STEVE JOBS is at home
Pentium Pro. The doorbell rings
headline: “APPLE COMPUTER TO BUY NeXT INC.
Fade out.)
trying to get NeXTSTeP to install on his
and he hides the Intel box under his desk.)
STEVE: Now, who could that be?
(He opens it. GIL AMELIO, head of Apple, is crying.)
GIL: SteveYou’veGottaComeBackI’mSorryIBrokeYourCompanyIJustTouchedItALittle
IDidn’tMeanToButNowIt’sAllBrokenAndStuffAndYouGottaFixItOrThey’llFireMe
Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!
STEVE: (thinks for five seconds) No. (slams the door.)
(ding dong.)
GIL: Pleeeeeeeeease? I’ll give you four hunnerd million dollars HELLLLLP!!!!
STEVE: Okay, but these are the conditions. One. There has to be a NeXT in
my office. In fact, my office will be made of NeXTs: cubes for the walls
and slabs for the floor. They fit together like Legos. Two. We go back to
221
having my name signed on the inside of every Mac, except that below “Steve
Jobs” it will now say “Gil Amelio Eats Worms”. Three. You’re going to hire
John Sculley to work for me so I can fire him.
GIL: Here’s the money, you start tomorrow, bye! Whee!!! (runs away laughing)
(dissolve to: Apple corporate HQ, morning.)
SECRETARY: (on phone) I’m sorry, sir, he doesn’t work here any more. Maybe
you’d like to talk to the new guy, Steve Jobs? No, he’s not the company
founder, he works for Mr. Amelio. Mostly coffee and stuff. And then John
Sculley works for Steve Jobs, and Jean-Louis Gassee works for Sculley, and
Jack Tramiel works for him, and Sam Tramiel works for him, and Nolan
Bushnell works for him, and some guy who wrote “Breakout” for Atari works
for him. Also I’m not supposed to tell you this, but for the next two days
MacOS 8.0 will be completely backward compatible, but then we’re taking it
out again. Bye.
(Jobs and Amelio enter.)
GIL: Okay, Steve, here’s what I need you to do today. The new Macintosh
will have a 10,000 MHz processor and will be controlled telepathically, and
it will cost under $200, like the Pippin. Go down to the garage during your
lunch hour and put together a prototype for me. And don’t dawdle; I’ve
already invested the company’s entire pension fund advertising the thing.
My sure-fire can’t-miss name for the new product is the “Apple Lunker Fuzzo”.
It’ll make us rich!
STEVE: I am rich. Especially since you just paid me four hundred million
dollars. Wait, how could Apple do that? I thought Apple was in financial
trouble.
GIL: We made a profit of exactly $400,000,001 last year.
STEVE: Oh.
GIL: Anyway, the new Apple Lunker Fuzzo(R) will restore Apple
to its former dominance of the personal computer market.
(STEVE JOBS walks away, making a gesture the Apple Installer
makes during complex installs.)
(interior STEVE JOBS’s office)
STEVE: I’ll give that chowderhead a good piece of my mind!
(He types a couple pages of text, at superhuman speed, into his NeXT
keyboard. We see an extreme close-up of him clicking on a “Send” button.
The camera dives into the computer and follows packets of ASCII data along
the Ethernet, into the wall, down a conduit, past a sign which says “This
Way To Gil Amelio’s Office”, through another wall, and into the back of a
222
Power Mac. It travels through the circuitry at dizzying speed, and comes to
rest in a folder covered with cobwebs. A spider dangles from the icon’s
label, “Mail last read 1/15/93”. Pull back to show GIL AMELIO sitting at
the computer, which is beeping and saying “You have... new mail!”.)
GIL: Computer, open mail.
(The computer responds, “Calculator!” and shows a simple calculator.)
GIL: No! Undo. Computer, open mail.
(The computer says, “Emptying the trash!” and the trash can empties.)
GIL: Oh, hell, I’ll do this the old-fashioned way.
(He opens a desk drawer and takes a mouse out of it. He sticks the end of
the cord into the floppy drive slot, and then starts rolling the mouse
around on the front of the monitor.)
GIL: Hello? Hello? Gee, eWorld must be down!
(The intercom buzzes.)
GIL: (to intercom) Yes?
SECRETARY: (voice-over) Mr. Amelio, Mr. Jobs is here to see you.
GIL: Tell him-- (STEVE JOBS smashes through the door like Herman Munster.)
STEVE: Look, buster, I don’t mind selling my company back to my other
company for four hundred million dollars, but a reporter just told me
you’ve been telling everyone that I’m going to write MacOS 8 and 9 for you
this week.
GIL: Now, that’s not what I said at all. I just said you’d FINISH the parts
we can’t, like the kernel and the user interface and the file system, and I
didn’t say this week. I figure you can have it done in time for the
weekend.
STEVE: You’re deranged.
GIL: Also even serial numbers will be backwards-compatible with System 7,
and odd serial numbers won’t, but will make your monitor bigger.
STEVE: I hate to burst your bubble, but I can’t do that.
GIL: Sure you can. We’ve got lots of MacOS 7.5.4 installation CDs in the
warehouse, and we just bought NeXTSTeP from you. And we’re licensing BeOS
and Solaris and GEM. All you need to do is just clip out the good parts of
them with the little scissors icon and put them together and you’ll have
the best OS ever.
223
STEVE: Did you have something to do with “Cop Rock”?
GIL: Anyway, have it ready by Friday or you’re fired. Also come up with a
dozen secret code names for it so that nobody will ever call it by its real
name. I’ll give you one to get you started: “CARL SAGAN IS A WUSSY WEENIE
WHO PICKS HIS NOSE AND IS TOO MUCH OF A SISSY TO EVER SUE ANYONE EVER.”
WILL STEVE JOBS REINVENT PERSONAL COMPUTING AGAIN?
WILL BILL GATES BURY A FERRARI IN STEVE JOBS’S BACK YARD?
DID I FORGET TO SAY “WOZNIAK”?
WILL CARL SAGAN SUE FOR FOUR HUNDRED MILLION AND TWO DOLLARS?
AND WHO THE HECK WROTE “BREAKOUT”?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME... AS THE APPLE TURNS.
If I had written this story earlier, it would have been about Gil
Amelio’s meatheaded plan to take over Be, Inc. (See photo.)
Apple had their new operating system (“Copland”) mostly
written, but suddenly all their top programmers were lured
away to other companies, and Apple was left with this huge
not-quite-finished project. Instead of trying to figure out how to
finish it, Amelio thought he could buy the similarly incomplete
BeOS and nail the two together. Eventually Steve Jobs
explained to him that you can only nail together two OSes if
one of them is finished, like NeXT’s. So Apple scrapped
Copland for BeOS, and then switched to NeXT; now they're
hoping to also shove the SunOS kernel into it.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,comp.sys.mac.advocacy,comp.sys.next.advocacy
Subject: As The Apple Turns - Apology
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 03:59:28 GMT
I recently wrote:
> [stupid stuff elided]
>GIL: Anyway, have it ready by Friday or you’re fired. Also come up with a
>dozen secret code names for it so that nobody will ever call it by its real
>name. I’ll give you one to get you started: “CARL SAGAN IS A WUSSY WEENIE
>WHO PICKS HIS NOSE AND IS TOO MUCH OF A SISSY TO EVER SUE ANYONE EVER.”
Oh, great. I write this the moment the merger of Apple and NeXT becomes
official, and I post it all over the Internet, and MINUTES LATER the
esteemed Dr. Sagan DIES. I’m sorry, folks. I wasn’t trying to kill the
respected astronomer; I’ve only been trying to kill Bob Hope.
224
To make this up to everyone, I’ve decided to help keep Dr. Sagan’s memory
alive by producing some “BHA” stickers to match the case design of Apple
Power Macs. I’ll be posting a PDF _you_ can print out, cut up, and glue
down, over in alt.religion.kibology. (Because I know it is inappropriate to
post even tiny binaries in a comp.* group.) Stroll right on over to
alt.religion.kibology and if you act now I’ll even put some of the old
“Kibo Inside” logos on the other half of the sheet, suitable for sticking
on any Intel product--stupid stickers for EVERYONE!
You’ll see the stickers
when you turn the page.
Again, sorry I killed a guy with satire.
-- K.
P.S. But if it takes out Bob Hope too, it’ll
be worth it.
Subject: - KIBOSAGN.PDF (0/1) Apple “BHA”, “Kibo Inside” stickers
X-Kibo-Equipment: a Memex, a Memorator, a Nyctagraph, & Apple BHA
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 04:06:59 GMT
Attached is a PDF of the old “Kibo Inside” stickers, suitable for printing
out and gluing to Intel boxes, along with the *all-new* “Carl Sagan/BHA”
logo in Apple’s corporate typeface, suitable for slapping on any Apple
product from the Pippin to the Newton to the Exchanger to the Knowledge
Navigator. (It works best on SECRET products.)
[I later revised the file, writing: These are the “Kibo Inside” logos and
“Carl Sagan/BHA” stickers, now in both color and black and white. Some have beige
backgrounds to match your computer if you have one of those new black&beige printers.
I also added a sticker that was square, as it turns out that real BHAs
(7100/66s) have square sticker spots. View it, print it, spellcheck it,
whatever you want. (Be sure NOT to use “Shrink To Fit” when printing.)]
This is my way of apologizing for making him laugh until he died, yesterday.
[Historical footnote/diagram of old joke: Apple’s code names for the early Power Mac
prototypes were names of scientists, like “Darwin” and “Carl Sagan”. Despite the fact
that these were just internal code names--”Carl Sagan” was the internal name for the
“Power Macintosh 7100/66”--Dr. Sagan somehow found out about this and told them to
take his name off their secret prototype. Apparently he had spies everywhere.
Anyway, a joke circulated that Apple had changed the code name to “BHA”, for
“Butt-Head Astronomer”, and there was a pervasive rumor that he was threatening
to sue over that. Now nobody will ever know the truth.]
Included (in a separate post) is KIBOSAGN.PDF.UU; uudecode it, load it into
Acrobat Reader 3.0 (go to http://www.adobe.com and click “Get Acrobat”) and
you’re all set to view it, print it, or blow it up to billboard size!
-- K.
225
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
TM
Carl Sagan
BHA
TM
Carl Sagan
BHA
TM
Carl Sagan
BHA
TM
Carl Sagan
BHA
TM
Carl Sagan
BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
Carl Sagan/BHA
James “Kibo” Parry ([email protected]), 12/26/96.
Subject: As The Apple Turns #2: The Sagan Murders
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 1996 16:28:25 GMT
[okay, Apple hasn’t done anything weird since I wrote the first
installment, but Carl Sagan kicked the bucket, so the story has mutated.
Also I wrote this after staying up all night, to make it Very Special.]
©
As The Apple Turns, episode 2:
THE SAGAN MURDERS
A SCIENTIFIC COMPUTER MURDER MYSTERY WESTERN POLITICAL COMEDY WITH A PUPPY
They call me a detective.
Then they usually giggle and I have to show them my official detective
license and that shuts them up real quick when they see it was signed by
the President and everything. My name’s Durango. George Durango. I’ve been
in the business twenty years and I’ve seen it all.
You may remember me as the no-name who was reported in the papers as
“assisting” the police solving the murder of old Doc Edgerton. Assist, my
hinder! I was the one who noticed the piece of key evidence: a bullet
hovering in mid-air just behind Edgerton’s exploding skull. I was the one
who fingered the guy who just happened to be holding a golf club in twelve
positions simultaneously while stealing Ed Muybridge’s horse. Assist, my
fanny!
I was the one who solved Einstein’s greatest mystery. He had gone to the
supermarket to buy two different On-Cor Two-Pound Family Size entrees, but
when he came home he found two Salisbury Steak entrees in his shopping bag!
I cracked the case by pointing out to him that all the different flavors
came in boxes of the same general shape and size, and out of my overly soft
heart I tipped him off to look for the words on the front next time.
Now I was about to tackle my toughest scientific mystery yet. Carl Sagan
had been murdered, and now he was too dead to tell me who did it. I had to
work fast before the trail got cold, colder than the trackless void between
galaxies which he so eloquently described in “Cosmos”, the book I bought so
that Walter Koenig would have something to sit on when he came to visit.
Seems some joker, some hard nut-case, had had the nerve to make fun of the
respected Dr. Sagan on the Internet moments before he croaked. As if that
227
weren’t the crowning coup de grace, the same day, Apple, a leading player
in the hardware business (and I don’t mean faucets) quietly “acquired”
their chief competitor, NeXT. When everyone’s too scared to leak the news
beforehand, I begin to suspect the involvement of hired thugs--corporate in
merger in the first degree. When Apple wants to take over your operation,
they stop at nothing--this is one company that has dough to throw around.
Apple was known for once producing an electronic brain, a glorified
calculator of sorts, under the secret code name of “Carl Sagan”. It didn’t
take a hard drive to crack the code that somehow Apple’s “Carl Sagan” may
have led to the doctor’s death on the day of the takeover. I decided to
investigate the computer community, and would start by ruling out the less
likely suspects. Then I could pin the guilty guy down and make him sing.
“Ding dong,” went the doorbell on Jack Tramiel’s house as I rang it.
Tramiel answered. He was a stout, stern-looking man, with a smelly cigar
that hovered limply in front of his face like a melted goldfish in a Dali
painting. Tramiel ran Atari, a shady corporation that was actually a front
for a coast-to-coast chain of “video arcades”, seedy hangouts where bad
kids from the bad side of town paid bad money to play bad games. It was a
noisy racket that really raked in the silver. In arcadeland, the coin of
the realm was coins.
“Does this ring a bell?” I asked, holding up
the dust jacket of Sagan’s “Broca’s Brain”.
Tramiel snorted. “Broca’s Brain? Never heard of
that game. Is it one of those crappy sixteen-color
Nintendo knockoff jobs?”
“Listen, pal, don’t play coy with me. Word on the street is you bumped off
Sagan so that Apple could glom up NeXT, and that way your 130XE wouldn’t
have to compete with any other computers with ‘X’ in them.”
Tramiel sneered. “X? My computers can’t run X. They use GEM, a far superior
windowing system because it’s so extensible--in fact, half the OS functions
are left for the user to write. And I don’t give a damn about no
competition. We have a dynamite new product coming out this Christmas
that’s gonna put us back on the map.”
I was skeptical of this washed-up video mogul’s scheme. “Tell me about your
new product. What’s the skinny?”
“We’re going to make a nine-dollar video game unit that comes on a
keychain. But, and here’s the kicker, with the addition of a simple
expansion module it turns into a complete mainframe computer for the home!”
“And I suppose once you get the kids hooked on a cheap shot of keychain,
they gotta deal with you, big-time, if they want the hard stuff. How much
does this ritzy-glitzy expansion module cost?”
“Six.”
“Six quarters or six dollars?”
228
“Six digits.”
“Oh.” I knew then that this clown was clean. Tramiel was obviously living
in a different world than the rest of us. I did not know what color the
golden parachutes were in his world, but I knew he’d retired from ours too
long ago to have hatched a scheme to ice someone as savvy as Sagan. I aced
a quick game of Pac-Man, beating Tramiel by twenty g’s, and high-tailed it
to my next prospect.
It was a big house with a super-high security fence. The only entrance was
through two wrought-iron doors completely covered in tens and twenties--the
famous Bill Gates. I rang the doorbell, which sang “Start Me Up”.
The butler showed me to the other butler who showed me to a third butler
who tried to show me back to the first butler but I gave him the slip and
showed myself to Gates. He had a sort of puppy-shaped face only with owl
glasses and a “Moe cuts his own” hairdo. Or was it a clever disguise? He
was taking a bubble bath.
“Whee!” he shouted as he leaped from the tub to greet me. He had been fully
clothed all along, dripping with gooey suds. “Welcome to my fabulous home
of the future! Look! In this vault I have over fifty Playboy bunnies!”
He pulled a lever, and sure enough, a vault opened in which pneumatic
rabbit girls were crammed like sardines, only gasping for air worse than
any fish could muster. Gates shoved two more in and slammed the vault.
“Whee!” he shouted again, jumping onto a slide that took him on a squiggly
ride down into a huge vat of dollar bills. This sure was one crazy
playhouse the eccentric millionaire had built himself. Eccentric? He not
only had toys in the attic, he had ginger ale in his wetware! Through a
nearby Window(TM) I could see an automated factory stamping out brand-new
custom Ferraris and dumping them all into an active volcano, while
thousands of robots representing terrified, undereducated villagers swarmed
around its base chanting “SAVE US, BILL GATES!!!”
I gave Gates a good slap which serioused him up real fast. “All right, Mr.
Funny Hair Guy! Tell me what you know about Carl Sagan or... I’ll tell the
New York Post you pay a private barber a million dollars a year to make
your hair look just the right kind of nerdy!”
Gates began to cry. “Okay! I admit it! I designed Word 6.0 just so that
when Sagan wrote his next best-seller, it’d slip in a virus that would tell
everyone in the world to switch from Windows 95 to Windows 95.5!”
I had no sympathy for this little schemer. “You’re a bad man. You’re a very
bad man. And know what I’m going to do to you?”
“What?”
“I’m going to make you personally run the Microsoft tech support line this
Christmas so you can explain to all the anguished dads out there how to
make a Zeos P90 motherboard with a Diamond SpeedScan 24X VGA card and a
229
Packard Bell internal modem and a Soundblaster 16 sound card work with
Windows 95!”
But Gates wasn’t listening. He had stuck his fingers in his ears and was
shouting “LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!” Then he yelled, “Wheee!” and jumped onto
another slide, which took him to his personal dinosaur park. The git had
given me the slip&slide, the oldest trick in the Microsoft Bookshelf!
At least I knew Gates wasn’t the murderer. He was too happy in his private
Microsoft Disneyland to risk it all by committing murder, the most heinous
crime of them all.
I was fast running out of suspects. And my hunches just weren’t cutting the
mustard, although they were cutting another popular sandwich ingredient. I
was cheesed! I high-tailed it to the swinging bachelor pad of Oracle’s head
honcho, Larry Ellison.
Ellison, a diminutive Jewish science-fiction writer from Brooklyn, slammed
the door in my face just because I admitted I hadn’t read “I Have No Mouth
And I Must Scream”. I tried to make it up to him by telling him I loved all
those “Star Trek” comic books he wrote, and that I really liked his wife,
Majel Barrett, but he cut me short by slugging me in the knee. Then he left
to record the voice for the new elevator in Bill Gates’s house.
Only two suspects remained. The closest was the guy who ran Be, Inc. Oddly
enough, he turned out to be Rob Reiner and his biggest customer was Barbara
Bain. This could mean only one damn thing: the jokes in this story had
officially grown so obscure that only two readers would be able to
supercollide the wacky pop-culture references in their head. I made a
mental note to ask them to explain my joke about Rob Reiner to me. This
business with Be, Inc. just a lame joke, so I knew that Reiner couldn’t
have offed Sagan.
That left only one key player in this deadly game of Interactive Multimedia
Clue On CD-ROM.
The End User.
This nefarious character--or was it a secret society?--had been buying up
every piece of computer hardware and software, one by one. They tried to
disguise who they were by putting a different name on every registration
card they sent in, but I knew better. The End User killed Sagan--this means
you.
I slapped the cuffs on you and took you off to jail where the warden let
fifty thousand volts dance through your body until you were clinically dead
in a court of law.
Now that the case was closed (and believe me, it was always a hard time
getting it back onto the computer) I relaxed with a cool frosty Budweiser
and an all-night round of Ultima II, the game that smelled like perfume.
THE END
230
THE TWO FACES OF CHUCK McCANN
The creative genius:
Creator and star of Sid & Marty Krofft’s
“Far Out Space Nuts”.
The terrifying home invader:
“Hi, guy!” inside the medicine cabinet.
231
Subject: Warning: Kibo’s new .sig coming soon
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 05:01:24 GMT
The countdown begins.
My new .signature has begun final beta testing.
Opthamologists everywhere are preparing to retire as millions THROW AWAY
THEIR GLASSES FOREVER when their eyesight is SHOCKED INTO CLARITY by the
AWESOME RADIANT POWER OF MY .SIGNATURE!
Warm up an empty partition of your hard disk to receive the awesome form
factor of Kibo’s new .sig!
IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL HUMANS CANNOT COMPREHEND IT AND GO INSANE!!!!
I will post it if and only if the following conditions are met.
1.) Everyone present must immediately repost it to alt.fan.warlord and
attach a comment like “Heh, heh, look at the newbie .sig I found!” I don’t
care if they don’t like multipart binaries there. We don’t like them here
in alt.religion.kibology, so when I post it here be sure to move it to
alt.fan.warlord immediately!
2.) Everyone must print dozens of copies and use them to cover their
bedroom ceiling so that children with super powers will be conceived.
3.) Everyone must go to their local TV station and force them to show my
.sig in the lower right corner of the screen 24 hours a day.
Or I’ll kill you all.
-- K.
P.S. My beta-testers have signed nondisclosure agreements, or rather, drawn
large “X”s with yellow crayons, their
cerebral cortexes hopelessly smoothed out
by the cleansing action of my scrubbing memes!
My 1000-line .signature (don’t ask why there’s a period there—it’s a UNIX thing)
used to shock and horrify people, just like the can-can dance. A few years later I
introduced a 250k PostScript file. In late 1996, my finest accomplishment:
the megabyte PDF .signature. All are shown in an appendix.
(Of course, the file you’re reading is a many-megabyte PDF. So there.)
Anyway, these next few posts show my masterful propaganda campaign to whip the
entire Internet into a frenzied anticipation, because my new .sig is more important
than the release of Windows 1999.
232
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.destroy.microsoft,
alt.ascii-art,alt.fan.warlord,alt.artcom,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Warning: Kibo’s new .signature to be released.
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:46:21 GMT
All existing copies of Kibo’s .signatures are being recalled and recycled
into post-consumer by-products. My old ASCII and PostScript .signatures are
obsolete. I have gone Golden Master on the footprint of the form factor of
DR1 pre-alpha seeding of DOT SIGNATURE 96, “CHICAGOPLAND”. Once the final
user installation issues and on-line documentation pass my Software QA’s
Zero Defects standard to become ISO compliant, it will become available to
end users. It is in 100% native code and is Milspec (this means you cannot
export it.)
It is more than a .signature. It is an entire operating system designed
around the principle that all computer users are more productive if they
view my .sig constantly. It requires a 39-dot monitor, a 39-dot FQDN with
256-bit bandwidth over a multi-homing intranet AND IT EATS FLESH.
It is too large to attach here (it’s gotten three times bigger since the
last edition I’ve shown people), but the release schedule is proceeding and
you should see it in alt.religion.kibology in a few short days.
Please do not leak the information disclosed here to my loyal minions in
alt.religion.kibology. I have told the serfs what to expect and they are
awaiting. You will merely cause panic and confusion by posting true
information. Do not disrupt my carefully controlled pattern of hype or YOU
WILL BE PUT IN A BOX WITH BILL GATES AND SHAKEN. This is the most important
.signature ever posted to Usenet and it will redefine the nature of
communication. This .sig will make me rich!
Unfortunately, cultural norms prohibit me from attaching it to every one of
my posts, but this will change over time. Thanks to my .sig, humanity will
evolve larger eyeballs, and gigantic .sigs will look as short as a
knock-knock joke.
-- K.
“Who’s there?”
“A big fat .signature!”
“Wow! We love you, .signature!
Here, have some money!”
233
Subject: Re: Warning: Kibo’s new .sig coming soon
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:32:38 GMT
>>
P.S. My beta-testers have signed non>>
disclosure agreements, or rather, drawn
>>
large “X”s with yellow crayons, their
>>
cerebral cortexes hopelessly smoothed out
>>
by the cleansing action of my scrubbing memes!
>
>He’s not kidding! I accidentally ran into one of Kibo’s memes and now I
>no longer have a crack in my butt! Look: (
)
>
>Will any of these large “X”s be present in the .sig?
No, but there is a lot of large type. Some of it’s yellow. Some of it’s
off-yellow. Some of it’s off-mustard. Three weeks off.
-- K.
You’ll see...
TENNESEE TUXEDO!!!
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 03:37:02 -0400
(not posted to alt.religion.kibology)
Subject: A polite request.
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.fan.warlord,alt.ascii-art,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
It has come to my attention that some people have fond memories of me
posting my 1000-line .signature over and over to make everyone happy that
Usenet’s bandwidth was being utilized to its full potential.
Please forget everything you knew about my 1000-line .signature. I am
embarassed by its pathetic smallness.
In a few days, you will see the world’s first one-megabyte .signature. No
two bytes alike! Not even the bits are alike! NOTHING IS ALIKE and NOTHING
WILL BE THE SAME once you SEE MY .SIG! This .signature is so beautiful it
will make you cry with joy so joyous it will be painful and the pain will
234
be so intense it will make you giggle until you choke with a choking so
intense it will make you faint into a coma so intense you will dance around
the room while CLINICALLY DEAD!!!
This .sig has not been tested on animals, because they all ran away. This
.sig has not been aired on television, because it contains colors that
cannot be transmited over television, like zurple, the ninth primary color
that dissolves photons on contact.
Anyway, please forget about my rinky-dink little Mickey Mouselet of a
microscopic 1000-line .sig. Creating a 1000-line .sig was a stupid thing to
do and a pathetic cry for attention, unlike my new super gigantic
expialidocious .sigaroonie. I deserve a DOZEN NOBEL PRIZES! Now!
--K.
P.S. You can see it in alt.religion.kibology
in a few days, IF YOU’RE A REAL MAN.
Subject: Warning- Kibo’s new .sig on the way
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 07:29:03 GMT
Priority: So High It Hurts!
This is the final warning before Kibo’s .signature is posted later this
week. All that remains is for me to break it up into 1k chunks.
That means chunks that are 1k long, not 1k of chunks. (Of course, if the
.sig were a megabyte long, I could do BOTH! Hey, wait a minute, it’s A
MEGABYTE LONG! Yaaaaahoooooooo!)
Anyway, I need you folks to do something for me. Please pretty please. In
order to preserve the integrity of the net--so as not to make it explode
and kill millions of people, one or two of which we might care about--you
must go forth into other groups and WARN EVERYONE YOU SEE.
Tell everyone about my .sig TODAY and you won’t be sorry.
Tell them TOMORROW and you might be sorry.
Forget to tell them and you WILL be sorry.
You people think I’m kidding, but when you see my .sig, don’t come running
to me with your brain all fried and stuff!!!
This is the single most dangerous thing ever, and speaking as someone who
eats plutonium while watching pro wrestling, I know all about danger!
(continued)
235
-- K.
I asked Stephen Hawking what he
thought of the .sig, and he said
(in a robot voice) “I-am-sorry-Icannot-tell-you-what-I-thinkbecause-I-cannot-talk.” So there.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,news.admin.net-abuse.usenet,alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: Warning- Kibo’s new .sig on the way
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 06:47:05 GMT
In article <tUTrys0KT/[email protected]>, [email protected]
>In alt.religion.kibology, [email protected] (James “Kibo” Parry) wrote:
>>This is the final warning before Kibo’s .signature is posted later this
>>week. All that remains is for me to break it up into 1k chunks.
>
> So, the new .sig is SO DANGEROUS that it has to distributed
> in small pieces for re-assembly on site, before being dropped
> from a HIGH ALTITUDE onto the TARGET?
It will be posted in individual bytes, sorted into alphabetical
order for ease of compression. This way it will also make a
pretty rainbow if you load it into your VRAM.
>
>
>
>
>
Do you think there is any chance of it be classified as a
‘munition’ for export purposes ?
What happens when a VRAM
chip develops a mental problem.
Will us non-USAians, need a special ‘international’ version, not to
be exported back to the USA?
Like I said before, “My .sig is ISO compliant and it’s MILSPEC, which means
you can’t export it!”
>>Anyway, I need you folks to do something for me. Please pretty please. In
>>order to preserve the integrity of the net--so as not to make it explode
>>and kill millions of people, one or two of which we might care about--you
>>must go forth into other groups and WARN EVERYONE YOU SEE.
>
> Well, I’ve done MY bit, I’ve added n.a.n-a.usenet to the newsgroups line.
Usenet is the sincerest form of net abuse. We must stop Usenet before it
goes any further.
I’ll add alt.folklore.urban to the newsgroups list and I would like to
suggest that everyone mail a copy of my new .sig to Craig Shergold.
236
He’s dying of LACK OF BIG .SIGS.
Coming later this week.
> You should get Spot to write the fast paced story of the design of
> the new Kibo.sig [tm][c][r] - ‘The Soul of New Signature’.
Already written a Wired-style interview fawning over the genius of my .sig.
I’m also going to write up a colophon after the .sig is posted, because I
know everyone’s going to be wondering which twenty-seven fonts are used in
each of the boxes.
But I’m not going to post either because they came out bad.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Are there likely to be cost over-runs or slippage of the schedule?
The company I work for could sell you some software [for $$$] which
would aid your ENTIRE COST ENGINEERING team, on this and your other
BIG PROJECTS like any OIL REFINERIES or GAS PIPELINES you happen
to be building, see http://www.kildrummy.co.uk/ for pretty much
zero additional information.
Those aren’t big projects. A big project would be a Dyson sphere made
entirely out of trained mosquitoes that speak English and have been told to
remain mutally equidistant from each other at all times and have solved the
n-body gravitational problem.
>>You people think I’m kidding, but when you see my .sig, don’t come running
>>to me with your brain all fried and stuff!!!
>
> What protective clothing should we wear when viewing this .sig? Is it
> safer to avert our eyes, while the EVIL NAZIS get holes blown through
> them for having the temerity to gaze upon the seraphim caged in the
> .sig?
I will wear the protective clothing when I show the .sig to you,
that way you won’t need any. However, I will not permit you to
read my .sig while naked. Swim trunks and dress oxfords are a MUST.
>>This is the single most dangerous thing ever, and
>>speaking as someone who eats plutonium while watching
>>pro wrestling, I know all about danger!
>
> Do you eat duracell batteries too...?
I’m scarier than that plastic kid on TV.
-- K.
Scarier than people in Corel clip-art drawings.
Scarier than realizing that all the other cars
on the road are being driven by people playing
Tempest 2000 inside VR helmets.
Scarier than the Mentos guy becoming President.
237
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.written
Subject: Re: Warning- Kibo’s new .sig on the way
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 04:02:45 GMT
I’ve been including these goofylooking “Message-ID” headers in this
anthology just in case any reporters
want to look up these articles in
some other archive (i.e. DejaNews)
to verify their very veracity. Note that
Matt and I use a newsreader
program (YA-NewsWatcher) that
builds long Message-IDs that can be
deciphered to get the exact date,
time, longitude, etc., of the article.
>
>> Those aren’t big projects. A big project would be a Dyson sphere made
>> entirely out of trained mosquitoes that speak English and have been told to
>> remain mutally equidistant from each other at all times and have solved the
>> n-body gravitational problem.
>
>You should post this somewhere that Greg Egan will read it.
I loved him on “My Two Dads” and “B.J. And The Bear”.
-- K.
a... large and... obvious... sphere.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.conspiracy,alt.nuke.europe,alt.nuke.the.USA
Subject: Countdown!
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 1996 06:58:52 GMT
S MINUS 1440 MINUTES. AND COUNTING.
(little girl:) one missississipii, two misissiippi, three...
(Lyndon Johnson slams his fist on the big red button)
(Don Pardo’s voice-over:) FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
(Vera Lynn begins singing “We’ll Meet Again”. Then the final scherzo from
Wendy Carlos’s “Tron” soundtrack plays at two thousand decibels. Fireworks
go off everywhere, as sofas burst into flames from the radiant glare!)
(P.A. systems rise out of flower gardens, doghouses, and Conan O’Brien’s
hair:) “YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. THIS IS A CONELRAD ALERT. KIBO’S .SIG HAS
BEEN SIGHTED. IMPACT WILL BE IN APPROXIMATELY 1438 MINUTES. THAT IS ALL.”
Everywhere, people freeze in their tracks. Squirrels drop their nuts!
In the distance, the only sound is a baby crying. Nobody hushes it. A car
238
drives by at two miles an hour; inside a frightened salesman wonders what
is happening. He loses composure, screams, and abandons the car, jumping
into the river! A man starts tearing pages out of the phone book one after
another. A woman tacks wax paper over her windows. Ominous clouds are
gathering, slowly, deliberately. Menace hangs low on the horizon. Everyone
looks at the sky, and wonders if there will be a tomorrow.
A gigantic banner, blotting out the sunlight for half the world, drifts
across the sky below the unseeing clouds. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL
DIFFICULTIES, it says, PLEASE STAND BY. Everyone watches it, their mouths
agape. With a sound like aluminum foil unrolling, a GIANT H peels off the
banner and falls. Panic! Panic! Everyone screams! They run. The H flattens
the Empire State Building. NBC is knocked off the air forever, but what
does it matter?
Somewhere, a scientist puts his arm around his voluptuous yet talented
laboratory assisant’s ample bosom. “We’ve survived,” he warns, “Yet I
wonder... is this the beginning of the last day for humanity? When the sun
sets tonight, will it rise again?”
“I dunno,” says the chick.
-- K.
S MINUS 1435 MINUTES.
Subject: - KIBO_SIG.PDF (0/15) Really short post.
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 04:01:05 GMT
Hey everybody. This is just a two-line test post to see if my
.signature gets attached automatically to everything I write.
Please ignore these three lines if they waste bandwidth.
-- K.
Please don’t warlord me!
To “warlord” someone: to
repost their .signature to
alt.fan.warlord and make
fun of how big and stupid it
is. This practice helps rid
the net of huge drawings of
swords drawn by thirteenyear-olds and blocky
Garfields.
P.S. You need Adobe Acrobat Reader 3.0 (available for all interesting platforms, except Jaguar; 2.1 or even 1.0 *may* work) from
http://www.adobe.com/prodindex/acrobat/readstep.html
and be careful, my buggy QuickTime VR/Java applet may erase your CDs.
THE .SIG WAS ATTACHED HERE,
CONVENIENTLY DIVIDED INTO FIFTEEN BIG PIECES,
MOST OF WHICH PROBABLY ARRIVED AT YOUR SITE,
USUALLY IN A BIZARRE PARODY OF NUMERICAL ORDER,
WITH ONLY ONE OR TWO GARBLED.
GEE, I LOVE THE INTERNET.
239
the time tunnel
a salute by kibo
On the next few pages is an episode guide I compiled over the last two years.
This was a labor of love, as I find bad science fiction to be more funny than bad comedy is science-fictional.
The Tunnel “goes to infinity,” we’re told. I’m impressed that they were able to get the shadow to
travel infinitely far to fall on the set’s backdrop.
Please enjoy more text than you’d ever want to read about The Time Tunnel.
Next year, I want to give a similar honor to “Space: 1999” and “seaQuest DSV”.
240
EPISODE GUIDE: “THE TIME TUNNEL”
compiled by James “Kibo” Parry, 1994-1996
“The Time Tunnel” was a 1966 TV series produced by Irwin Allen
(“Lost In Space”, “Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea”, “Land Of The
Giants”, later the maker of disaster movies) which was dirt cheap, and
just plain bad. (Someone once joked that Elvis shot his TV because
they cancelled “The Time Tunnel”.) Most episodes were boring, but a
few are gut-bustingly funny. I typed up this episode guide in an
attempt to educate the world as to the genius of Irwin Allen and
company. Note that I am not making any of this up, and yeah, I’ve
watched all of these. Please excuse any digressions—they’re the result
of watching enough TV until I can no longer draft an outline; I’ve
started to think in weird non-linear ways that let me solve the Riddler’s
quizzlers.
Each “fantastic adventure” (as they were called in big white letters)
concerned the adventures of two scientists (Robert Colbert as Doug,
James Darren as Tony) fistfighting for their manly lives in a random
period of history (almost always the past, due to the miracle of stock
footage) while the people in the underground Time Tunnel
headquarters (Whit Bissell as General Kirk, John Zaremba as Ray, Lee
Meriwether as Ann, etc.) watched them by looking into a big ellipse
filled with fireworks. The show was cancelled early in its second
season, just at the point where the writers had decided to spice up the
series by having aliens invade Earth every week; in other words, it was
just getting funny when it was axed.
And now, every mind-bogglingly mindless misadventure:
#1: RENDEZVOUS WITH DESTINY
In this modern year of 1968, the government is threatening to cut off
funds to “America’s greatest and most secret project”, the Time Tunnel,
unless results can be immediately produced. At night, Tony Newman,
super-genius physicist and manly young hunk played by James Darren
(the second of Gidget’s Moon-Doggies, later the guy who was replaced
by Adrian Zmed on “T. J. Hooker”), risks his own life by entering the
Time Tunnel as the first test subject. He materializes on the Titanic
(captained by guest star Michael Rennie, who played Klaatu in “The
Day The Earth Stood Still”) a few hours before it’s going to sink.
While he tries to convince the captain with his thick-headed logic
(“Don’t you understand? This is the TITANIC!!!!!”) and helps a
French child steal food, another scientist, Doug Phillips, (played by
Robert Colbert) runs into the Tunnel to rescue Tony. The result is that
they are both lost in time.
#2: ONE WAY TO THE MOON
Like all “Time Tunnel” episodes, this one’s loaded with stock footage.
However, this one uses several scenes from George Pal’s 1950
“Destination Moon”, which in 1968 would be akin to using stock from
“Star Wars” in 1996. It’s immediately recognizable, and doesn’t match
the rest of the episode: Tony and Doug materialize on a NASA Mars
rocket, which is stock film of a NASA Atlas rocket at launch, but turns
into the Destination Moon ship by the time it lands. (They go to the
Moon instead of Mars because the two time-travelers make the ship
overweight, just like Dr. Smith on “Lost In Space”.) After a few
fistfights on the lunar surface (look for the guy with oxygen bottles
painted on the back of his spacesuit) followed by the discovery of an
enemy agent and a Quonset hut catching fire in the vacuum of space,
Doug and Tony experience the thrill of their spacesuits magically
disappearing moments before the Tunnel rescues them from the lunar
surface.
Note that in this episode, you get to see the Tunnel set from the side,
which makes it obvious that it’s a cone about fifty feet long. It looks
infinite only if you look directly into it, otherwise the concentric rings
painted on the painting behind it don’t line up with the set.
#3: END OF THE WORLD
In 1910, shortly before the arrival of Halley’s Comet, Tony gets
trapped in a mine cave-in. Doug tries to get people to mount a rescue
attempt, but nobody will bother, because they all know the world will
be destroyed when the comet smashes into it—all the leading scientists
have proved it with equations! The headlines of those really old,
brown newspapers everyone read way back then said so! Doug talks
science (I use the term loosely) with a noted astronomer, but can’t
convince him the comet will miss Earth, because all the math says it
will hit. (The comet, incidentally, is stock footage from “Lost In
Space.”) Eventually, with the help of a radiometer, Doug explains that
the magnetic pull of an invisible planet is drawing the comet off into
space (they can tell this because the tail of the comet disappears.)
Then, in the Time Tunnel control room (with Whit Bissell, Lee
Meriwether, etc.) it’s discovered that if you look at a comet through the
Time Tunnel, it will suck you in—“We’re connected to it through time!”
A technician gets a heart attack from the comet but Ann rips cables out
of the Time Tunnel’s console and jump-starts his heart. Then, Tony
lands (without Doug) in 1958, and Doug drives up in a convertible,
but he’s never met Tony yet, and Tony goes insane because he can’t
figure this out because apparently he has never read any science
fiction. (He’s awfully dim for a super-genius.)
This episode is unusual in that it has that extra mini-adventure
tacked on. With the colossal ignorance of astronomy, physics, biology,
and particularly history, this episode is probably the most jawdroppingly anti-educational ones of the whole series. (However, some
of the later ones top it for “bad laughs”.)
#4: THE DAY THE SKY FELL IN
Doug and Tony appear at Pearl Harbor, in the Japanese consulate,
shortly before the bombing. We know Pearl Harbor is about to blow
up because there’s a desk with a transparent plastic calendar capable of
displaying only the date of the attack in inch-high numbers. (I imagine
the guy had been saving that paperweight for years until the day it was
actually accurate.) Tony meets himself in his childhood, and if adult
Tony is killed then baby Tony will also vanish. (Further evidence that
the writers had no clue as to how basic science fiction clichés work.)
#5: THE LAST PATROL
Doug and Tony get captured by soldiers in the War Of 1812. In the
Time Tunnel control room, a visiting general (Carroll O’Connor)
identifies the period by pointing out the distinctive uniforms (red
outside, blue inside) of the soldiers, and also explains that the 1812 guy
who looks just like him is his “ancestor” (identical ancestors? Shades
of Patty Duke!) Tony and Doug escape and get recaptured, then they
do it again, while Carroll O’Connor travels back in time to aid his
ancestor. One of the Carrolls is killed.
#6: CRACK OF DOOM
This time Doug and Tony are stranded on the island of Krakatoa (west
of Java) shortly before the world’s most devastating volcano explodes.
For the very first time, the scientists in the Time Tunnel control room
realize that they can look at different times through the Time Tunnel,
so they look ahead a day to see when the volcano is going to blow up.
They also realize that not only can they see and hear our
241
heroes, they can talk to them by shouting into the Tunnel. And, they
also discover that if they bring Tony home the wrong way, it will cause
a “time warp” which will make everyone in the room hold still.
#7: REVENGE OF THE GODS
They materialize in ancient Troy while Ulysses is laying siege.
Fortunately, the ancient Greeks speak perfect English, and they think
Doug and Tony are gods. Our heroes tell Ulysses his plan to build a
big wooden horse is a good idea. To help them in the fight, the Time
Tunnel staff send an M.P. to Troy, where he machine-guns some
Trojans before they bring him back, but because he materializes at the
far end of the Time Tunnel, which is infinitely long, it takes him a few
minutes to walk to the other end of it, and he’s really old! They make
him young again. At the end of the episode, it’s been proved that the
siege of Troy was no myth.
#8: MASSACRE
Tony and Doug meet General Custer and some Indians. Action and
intrigue ensue.
#9: DEVIL’S ISLAND
Tony and Doug escape from Devil’s Island, with help from the Time
Tunnel.
#12: THE DEATH TRAP
In 1861, conspirators want to blow up Abraham Lincoln with a bomb.
We know this because the Time Tunnel, displaying frightening
intelligence of its own, flashes forward to 1865 to show the later
successful assassination attempt (Special bonus stock footage!) After
several fistfights, Doug and Tony save Lincoln with the help of a
futuristic tool called… a screwdriver! Good thing the sidekick was
Tony Phillips and not Tony Ballpeen.
#13: THE ALAMO
Doug and Tony go to the Alamo. Action, intrigue, etc.
#14: NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES
Doug and Tony fistfight their way across India accompanied by rugged
Rudyard Kipling.
#15: INVASION
In Nazi Germany, just before D-Day, Doug is brainwashed into
becoming an agent of the S.S. (it alzo makes him shpeak mit an
akzent.) Fortunately, Tony gets his hands on the antidote to
brainwashing and injects Doug with it.
#16: THE REVENGE OF ROBIN HOOD
#10: REIGN OF TERROR
Doug and Tony are in the middle of the French Revolution, when
Time Tunnel commander General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell
playing a character with a staggeringly derivative name) realizes that if
he sends his ring (a treasured family heirloom which will blend in with
the period) back to Doug & Tony through the Tunnel they can grab it
and, because it’s radioactive, the Tunnel will be able to bring them
home. They get the ring, but then they bump into a French guy
named General Querque, who is Kirk’s identical “ancestor” (shades
of… oh, never mind.) Querque gets transported to 1968, where Kirk
gives him a stern talking-to. Doug and Tony tell people that they can’t
help Marie Antoinette escape the guillotine because they know that
she’ll get beheaded because the history books said so (so what would
happen if they shot her right now? The writers seemed incapable of
even trying to reason these things out.) They get smuggled out of
Paris and there’s a cameo by a French soldier named… Napoleon
Bonaparte! As Doug and Tony disappear, so does Kirk’s ring. (Where
does it go? Oh, never mind.)
#11: SECRET WEAPON
Doug and Tony materialize in Moscow, and they know it’s Moscow
because there are backwards letters on the signs. (Couldn’t they find
anyone who knew what the Cyrillic alphabet was?) A pink brick with
a blinking light inside appears, and Tony grabs it but it burns his hand
and he can’t let go because the Time Tunnel gave it too much power,
and then it disappears, then another one appears but it explodes, then
a third one appears and it melts and there’s a note inside that tells them
that they have to meet a spy on Urina Street and infiltrate a secret
Russian project of the fifties: The Russian Time Tunnel. Yeah, before
even sending a man into space, the Russians had time travel! Doug
and Tony nearly die in the inferior Russian tunnel, in which you have
to ride in a bubble car, before reversing its controls so it blows up. A
true nonsensefest.
Doug and Tony help Robin Hood’s Merry Men force King John to
sign the Magna Carta. Will Doug and Tony get to the “homing post”
(a stick with blinking lights) so the Tunnel can retrieve them? Will
Robin Hood get a run in his green pantyhose? Will Will Robinson
notice the post is missing from his force-field fence?
#17: KILL TWO BY TWO
Doug and Tony are stranded on a little island, near Iwo Jima, during
World War II with two Japanese soldiers. One’s a walking stereotype
and one isn’t, so guess which one they spend most of the episode
throwing grenades at.
#18: VISITORS FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Doug and Tony appear on an alien spaceship, where they meet two
silver guys (in modified “Lost In Space” spacesuits) who put them “in a
translation circuit” (represented by a stick figure painted on the wall) so
that they can tell them “We are from the planet Alpha-1 operating
under Space Directive Lentos”. Then they land in the Wild West
(1885, same year as “Back To The Future Part III”!) and a bunch of
fistfights ensue. “Resistance is impossible!” shouts Centauri, or maybe
it’s Taureg, I can’t tell them apart. The aliens came to Earth to rustle
our cattle. Don’t they know they’re just supposed to mutilate them?
#19: THE GHOST OF NERO
During World War I, Doug and Tony find Nero’s crypt (they know it’s
his because it’s labelled “NERO” in huge letters and then Doug finds
some armor and says it’s from “the time of the Caesars”) and so not
only are they attacked by German soldiers, but also by a floating sword
held by the invisible ghost of Nero! Thick-headed General Kirk
doesn’t believe in ghosts, even through the brainy scientists do, so he
calls in the services of a “parascientist” who convinces him. Tony gets
possessed, so the Time Tunnel folks give him electroshock through
time, but this lets the ghost loose in the
242
Time Tunnel control room, making paper fly around, but they drive it
back into the Tunnel with flamethrowers, and then the ghost possesses
an Italian soldier named… Benito Mussolini! WOW!
#20: THE WALLS OF JERICHO
In this episode, we learn that Joshua really did get God’s help making
the walls of Jericho crumble (although Ann believes it was a natural
phenomenon.) As usual, Tony runs around trying to convince
everyone he’s from the future and knows everything that’s going to
happen (“I read it in a book called… The Bible!”) Turns out that those
two spies Joshua sent into Jericho were time travellers, and that
everyone in the Bible spoke English. Lee Meriwether wants to use the
Tunnel to get Doug and Tony out of danger, but General Kirk vetoes
the idea because it would screw up the Bible. Doug and Tony see the
Styrofoam walls collapse, and then dematerialize. (For obvious
reasons, the episode skips the parts of the book of Joshua about
circumcision.)
#21: BILLY THE KID
In the Wild West again. Action, intrigue, yadda yadda yadda.
#22: THE PIRATES OF DEADMAN’S ISLAND
Yet more exciting, non-stop action! <— IRWIN, THIS IS
SOMETHING CALLED “SARCASM”.
Neiman, our heroes, the silver men, and the gold women to “limbo”,
and then they all materialize “back in time… back… back?” to
1,000,000 B.C.! No, there’s no gold version of Raquel Welch here.
“The place is like some gigantic hothouse… maybe it’s an island,”
reason Doug and Tony, and then stock footage of a lizard chasing
David Hedison lets them know they’re in the prehistoric era. (David
Hedison from “Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea” was
interchangeable with James Darren and the other Irwin Allen
sidekicks; see the notes.)
The lizards chase everyone around, and there’s plenty of stock
footage of bright blue lightning projected at the wrong aspect ratio.
Neiman gets stuck in a pile of sand, and then they pull him out of a
pool of water with a little dirt floating on top. Yes, it’s TV quicksand,
and Neiman’s still dry. Eventually, everyone falls into—dum da dum
dum!—A GIANT BEEHIVE!!! We have FORESHADOWING by
PSYCHOTIC WRITERS! The beehive has a big hexagon on the
wall with blinking Christmas lights behind it, because as we all know,
giant prehistoric bees glow funny colors. The giant bees primarily
exist offscreen, so everyone escapes but Neiman, who crawls under a
yellow and black carpet. I think he’s supposed to be getting killed by
the giant woolen bees and their color organ. Normally a great actor,
here Duvall isn’t even trying. (Compare Martin Landau in “Space:
1999” or Robert Vaughn in “Starship Invasions”.)
This is by far the funniest episode, because it contains exactly two
hundred and eighty-nine stupid things, and I counted all of the
offscreen bees, so I had to count the offscreen writers too.
#24: THE DEATH MERCHANT
#23: CHASE THROUGH TIME
Neiman, an enemy agent (Robert Duvall) shoots a technician, causing
the Tunnel to make Doug and Tony ripple (“They’re killing us!” they
shout at least three times, just to let us know.) Guards chase Neiman
into the convenient waist-high maze that stands next to the Tunnel’s
mouth, but he escapes into time. After searching his quarters, the
guards find microfilmed orders from “his principal” and learn that he’s
hidden a small nuclear bomb somewhere in the Tunnel control room.
Ann has an idea: send Doug and Tony after Neiman so they can beat
him up until he tells them where the bomb is. Unfortunately, as
they’re about to grab him, he goes “out of phase” and winds up in
1,000,000 A.D., and Doug and Tony get sent after him.
They wind up in a city with cardboard walls (“just like a giant
beehive!”) and meet some silver men in used “Lost In Space”
spacesuits. The “ultimate human society” makes women, who are
gold, wear sacks over their head (“just like bees!”). An exciting
dialogue with a gold woman leads to “What is… trouble?” and “What
is… love?” and “What is… mother?” discussed over some delicious
and clichéd food pills.
It turns out that Neiman arrived there a few years earlier and is
working on a time travel machine, which is the bubble car from
episode #11. Doug and Tony get put into a cell with a force field
across the doorway, but Tony walks into it. “The force-field… I forgot
about it.” DUH! He realizes, however, that it’s magnetic, and
wonders where he can find a degaussing device. Just then, they hear
Whit Bissell talking to them through the Tunnel, so they know “the
bomb must not have gone off yet!” What?
They have a little trouble making a degausser because they need a
coil of wire and a stick of wood, and nobody’s used wood in centuries.
(“Everything around here seems to be made of some kind of molded
plastic” which looks like cardboard.) They break out of the cell by
throwing their gadget through the force field and they meet the gold
woman again, who has decided to help them. They punch Neiman for
a while, but some of the silver soldiers show up, and a big fracas
ensues. In the midst of this thrilling melee, the Tunnel people teleport
Doug and Tony land in the middle of an American Civil War
battlefield, and a guy dressed like Dracula comes strolling through
walking his dog. Doug is killed by one of the four soldiers fighting the
colossal battle. Ann refuses to believe Doug is dead (“Maybe there’s
been a malfunction in the equipment!”)
Tony is met by Southern soldiers because they think he’s their secret
courier, because he’s dressed in a green turtleneck and has TV
amnesia. He can remember everything that happened except his name
and the premise of the series. Tony has a deep conversation with a
teenage soldier about whether omens and fate and stuff are real. By
the way, Doug’s not dead, but he has joined the other army. He
confronts the guy with the cape, and…
The creepy guy with the dog turns out to be Machiavelli, played by
Malachi “I’ve Been In Everything That Michael Ansara Has” Throne.
Will someone please give the two of them, and Turhan Bey, a good
show that they can all stay on?
“War is only interesting when the sides are evenly matched,” says
Machiavelli. He stabs Doug’s friend and tells Doug, “The Major has
seen my point!” Nothing much happens in the second half of the
episode, although for the premise I’d classify this with the “What
history book are these guys smoking?” episodes rather than the “Like
watching stock footage of paint drying” ones. Besides, there’s a scene
where Machiavelli’s dog explodes.
#25: ATTACK OF THE BARBARIANS
Dummies cascade from cliffs as some barbarians attack something or
someone, I can’t remember.
#26: MERLIN THE MAGICIAN
Apparently the Time Tunnel causes fictional characters to become real,
because Merlin pops out of it. (Oh, sure, I believed the episode about
Nero’s ghost, but this strikes me as maybe something someone MADE
UP!) Merlin paralyzes everyone in the Time Tunnel’s
243
control room—just like the “time warp” they once had—because he
wants to play with the Tunnel. Of course, his godlike powers over
time and space are no match for our two brawny heroes.
#26.5: ADVENTURES THAT DEFY DESCRIPTION
Written by Harlan Ellison, this is episode won an Emmy. In 1776, our
heroes discover that George Washington (played by Walter Koenig) is
really Jack the Ripper, and they kill him, but this means that the
American Revolution will never take place, so everyone turns into a
baby and their clothes get real small, but then the super-intelligent halfchimp half-dolphin pushes the button that activates Lazlo The Unarian
Psychic Space Robomatic, who makes time go backwards by turning
the camera upside-down which makes Jack The Ripper fall up off the
Earth where he’ll have to live the rest of his life on the Moon, which is
made entirely of soap suds that can talk, and Einstein (played by
Barbara Bain) is there but he’s had a sex change and his father is a
cube and everyone has a transparent telephone so that they can see
who they’re talking to, and then they show the final scene of “Gone
With The Wind” with a still picture of James Darren pasted in, and I
apologize, I did make up one episode. Can you find it?
was never on NBC’s “SeaQuest 2032”.
OTT and his acronym are reminiscent of another silver guy, IDAK
(Instant Destroyer And Killer) on “Lost In Space”. (He’s an
“indestructible super android”, so he wears a Superman suit, and
stomps around shouting “CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! CRUSH!
KILL! DESTROY!”) OTT, however, does not seem to have been
intended as comic relief.
This is the only episode where Lee Meriwether gets to do anything,
except for the one where the pirates drag her into the hallway. (#22)
Quotable non-sequitur: “Where are we?” “We need no roof here.”
#28: RAIDERS FROM OUTER SPACE
Aliens (with bug-eyed green rubber heads) invade Khartoum,
conveniently located in Bronson Canyon (as seen in “Bill & Ted’s
Bogus Journey” and “The Wizard of Speed and Time” and “Star Trek”
and “Robot Monster”.) They place a seven-foot-tall bomb in the
Tunnel control room, but it has a two-foot-diameter stopwatch on the
side so General Kirk knows how many minutes they have to think of
using the Tunnel to send it back. Eventually they do.
#29: TOWN OF TERROR
#27: THE KIDNAPPERS
The Time Tunnel is receiving interference on “channels one hundred
to infinity.” A silver guy in a toy space helmet (open at the front)
appears and hauls away Ann, leaving behind an IBM punch card
made of some futuristic kind of metal, but fortunately it still works in
the Time Tunnel computer—it tells everyone the coordinates the silver
guy took Ann to. Doug and Tony are sent there: a futuristic limbo set
inhabited a robot Cicero, a robot Erasmus, and a silver Michael
Ansara (Kang on “Star Trek”, the second Killer Kane on “Buck
Rogers”, a technomage on “Babylon 5”, and the voice of Mr. Freeze on
the animated “Batman”.) It’s 8433 A.D.—that’s six thousand years
from now!—and they’re 98 light years away orbiting Canopus. Of
course, even on futuristic alien planets they know that Tony attended
MIT, so they’re happy to capture him, too. The aliens have food pills
and the power to “speak through walls” but no video cameras, so our
heroes pass notes to each other. (This, and some other details, make it
clear that the writer was lifting from James Blish’s “Solar Plexus”.)
The silver guy with the toy helmet is OTT—the Official Time
Traveller, “because of the initials of his title,” and he and Michael
Ansara have a plan to invade the Earth. But first, OTT disables the
Time Tunnel by stealing its time-space converter. Michael Ansara
shows our heroes his latest kidnap victim—a big music sting here—
Hitler! TAA-DAAA!!!
It’s a good thing Mr. Ansara is photosynthetic because night
paralyzes him, letting Doug and Tony and rescue the show’s token
female. They go looking for the stolen Time Tunnel part. It’s
discovered that the aliens have replaced writing with the metal
punched cards, which are better than paper because they’re
indestructible. OTT isn’t paralyzed, because he has a battery on his
hip (“for his time-travel work”), and he discovers the humans. They
hold still, so he ignores them. But later he catches them when they
forget to hold still. Tony zaps him with his belt buckle. They take the
time-space converter and use the Canopian time machine to return
Ann to Earth. Unfortunately, the aliens shoot Doug and Tony.
The Tunnel snatches Doug and Tony and sends them on their way
to another exciting adventure, and everyone’s happy, but I think
Hitler’s still on Canopus.
Michael Ansara was also in episode #11, giving him the honor of
being the only human being to be the guest star of “The Time Tunnel”
more than once. He showed up on “Lost In Space” and “Voyage To
The Bottom Of The Sea” a few times as well; poor guy. At least he
The third alien invasion in a row, and the final episode. A little town
in Maine has been surrounded by an invisible, impenetrable force field.
People are being replaced with androids who die if you knock them
down, but then they come back to life. The local teens must save the
world, but they don’t trust Doug & Tony because they’re, like,
squaresville, man. The aliens are stealing our oxygen; everyone in the
Tunnel control room faints as the air is sucked out. Doug and Tony
nearly suffocate as well, while failing to smash a breakaway window
with a stool.
Two endings exist: (1) a cliffhanger advertising a rerun of a previous
episode, and (2) a compressed version of the entire Titanic episode,
which is the ending used in the syndicated version. (The Titanic
adventure is much more watchable, and funnier, when it all takes place
in five minutes. Every episode should have been this tight, like
“Danger Island” shorts.) Perhaps the fact that the syndicated version
of the series ends with its own beginning is what moved a clueless film
critic in “Film Threat” magazine to write that “Timecop” “ignores the
circular time theory”. (Apparently he studied physics in some other
dimension.) Two time-travel films which end with the ancient sciencefiction device of a “time loop” are mentioned below, in case you want
to study The Circular Time Theory. (Or you could just watch “Star
Trek: The Next Generation” until you’ve seen all four of the episodes
with time loops.)
NOTES:
“The Time Tunnel” frequently re-runs on The Sci-Fi Channel (with
Irwin Allen’s other shows) and there are also at least five “movies”
spliced together from pairs of reruns, as was done with “Space: 1999”
and “The Starlost”.
They never explain how the Tunnel works, except to say “that blue
mist is a radiation bath” (regarding the fireworks) in episode #1 and
later they say the Tunnel is infinite (#7). (Perhaps the fact that it’s
infinite is the reason it’s housed in a “limbo set”.) It seems to only
move Doug and Tony to the most hazardous places possible, but it
transports anyone else with pinpoint precision. It also doesn’t like to
send Doug or Tony into the future because that would take more
imagination, or at least fancier stock footage.
At the start of every episode, Tony and Doug land in a different
time. Unfortunately, the two stuntmen who actually arrive—
244
by sliding down a rope onto the set, usually onto a hay bale—are a little
more muscular than our heroes are. They use one of those little
T–shaped things that James Bond would use to slide from one rooftop
to another, and it’s perfectly visible at the top of the screen in a couple
of the shows.
At the end of the first episode, Doug was dressed in a 1910-style suit
in order to blend in with the locals and Tony was wearing a green
turtleneck sweater. These clothes keep rematerializing on their bodies
because Irwin was too cheap to film more than one scene of them
flying through “the shifting maze of past and future ages.” Watch the
sweater go “boingggg!” as it reappears, clean and intact, at the end of
episodes involving costume changes. Fans of of “Lost In Space”, etc.,
will remember the “boingggg!” as being Irwin’s favorite sound effect,
used several times a day. “Warning! Aliens approaching!”
“BOINGGGG!”
Irwin Allen made a zero-budget attempt at reviving the series after it
was cancelled, called “The Time Travellers”, in which two scientists
(not the same ones) travelled back to the great Chicago fire (stock
footage from a 1930s B&W movie tinted red) by walking down a short
staircase. Adapted from an outline by Rod Serling, it turned out to be
terribly boring, and didn’t get past the stage of being a pilot film
(which airs infrequently on rerun channels.) Shame it wasn’t called
“The Time Staircase.”
Someone in the seventies had the CLEVER idea of making a show
about a family (including the super-genius little boy and their streetwise jive-talkin’ black friend) who get “Lost In Time”. After the pilot
film, they changed the title to “Fantastic Journey” and added Roddy
McDowall, playing a cheap imitation Dr. Smith. The show died a
quick death, proving that only Irwin Allen can make an Irwin Allen
show succeed. The star was Jared Martin, later the star of “War Of
The Worlds”, another series which sucked and then died.
Personally, I’d like to revive “The Time Tunnel”, using the plot of
my episode #26.5 as the pilot, but I think the show would run out of
ideas after the first five minutes. Maybe Lee Meriwether could get into
a catfight with Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar, but then Lee would turn
into a vertical line and disappear, and then everyone would get trapped
in stock footage from “Journey To The Center Of Time” and would be
chased back and forth by killer film scratches. Then they’d pull a hair
out of the corner of the screen, and this would make a gorilla in a
diving helmet show them black and white stock footage of Charlie
Chaplin eating his shoe.
One of my favorite moments in television history is when Chris
Elliot, on “Get A Life”, walked past stock footage of The Time Tunnel,
deciding not to use it to travel to 1977. “They still haven’t gotten all
the bugs out. And they’re real big bugs. Sometimes they fly.” If only
he’d known the bees stayed offscreen.
I’ve heard that Murray Leinster—a well-known science fiction
writer—had written a book called “The Time Tunnel”. Irwin Allen
supposedly avoided a lawsuit by hiring him to novelize the TV show,
resulting in a second Leinster “The Time Tunnel” replacing the first in
bookstores everywhere. I’ve never seen a copy, so I can’t tell you if
Leinster had any luck trying to make the show make sense as literary
science fiction.
Whit Bissell was presumably cast as General Heywood Kirk
because he was in “The Time Machine” (Irwin Allen liked making
knockoffs of things with at least one of the original actors, i.e. Peter
Lorre from “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” appeared in his movie
“Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea”.) It’s been said that “The Time
Tunnel” was inspired by Ib Melchior’s laughable film “The Time
Travellers” (not the same as Irwin Allen’s “The Time Travellers”) but I
don’t think that’s provable, although the film in question was about
scientists discovering they could walk into their video wall while
looking at scenes of stock footage. Said film was remade as the even
more defective “Journey To The Center Of Time”, starring Poupee
Gamin. A definitively Poupee film…
There’s lots of production design inspired by “Forbidden Planet” in
“The Time Tunnel”, but not as much as there was in “Lost In Space”.
Bob Kinoshita, who was the imaginative production designer for
“Forbidden Planet”, worked on many episodes of both series, so it may
partly count as self-imitation. He designed Robby the Robot, but not
the Robinson family’s cheap knockoff. (Robby guest-starred as a
superior robot in two episodes.)
Like Irwin Allen’s other shows, the opening titles were a piece of
crude, abstract animation. In this case, a stick figure did a spastic
dance in an hourglass, and the words “EHT EMIT LENNUT”
revolved, followed by announcer Dick Tufeld’s voice shouting “THE
TIME TUNNEL!” A caption at the bottom read “IN COLOR”.
The credits for these shows must have been one of the cheapest forms
of animation possible, and I bet they were inspired by the title
sequence of “Dr. No” (which, like the original “Lost In Space” titles,
featured a grid of dots winking on and off.) (Sub-reference: Dick
Tufeld was the voice of Will Robinson’s pompous Robot.)
The pleasantly cheesy theme music to “The Time Tunnel”, like the
two campy themes for “Lost In Space”, is credited to “Johnny
Williams”, who would grow up to write music for “Star Wars”, “E.T.”,
etc. In the 1980s, Irwin would have to replace him with Steve Allen.
Every one of Irwin Allen’s shows had a tall, authoritarian guy as the
hero and a shorter, muscular sidekick with curly black hair. The
sidekick’s function was to always get knocked out so that our hero
could slug the bad guy. In a fight among James Darren, Mark
Goddard, Al “David” Hedison, etc., I think they’d all trip over rocks
and knock themselves out, then Richard Basehart would come and
save them from the stock footage of the gigantic tiny lizard.
For all of Irwin’s color shows, aliens or future humans wore silver or
gold greasepaint. No little green men—that would have been
STUPID—but plenty of silver people. They all wore helmet liners (the
sort you’d wear under a hard hat in winter) to cover their hair because
apparently “bald caps” were too much work.
With all the similarities, how does the show stack up against Irwin
Allen’s other TV series? Well, I like “Lost In Space” a lot, because it’s
meant to be stupid fun, unlike “The Time Tunnel” which is just
botched. “Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea” is usually as dull as
“The Time Tunnel” (except for the episodes with the evil Richard
Basehart hand puppets, etc.), and “Land Of The Giants” is pure
tedium. “The Time Tunnel” could have at least been an interesting
mindless action series, or a well-thought-out exploration of the weird
ideas time travel makes available, but it was underwritten, overstupid,
and its only merit now is that sometimes it’s enjoyable on a “bad”
level, like Ed Wood’s movies or “Mommie Dearest”. (Think of it as
“Dragnet” only more serious and more surreal.) Any show about
history that has Robin Hood helping to get the Magna Carta signed, or
tells us that in 1910 all the scientists in the world predicted that
Halley’s Comet would destroy the world, is reprehensible on a deep
level, just as when “Galactica 1980” explained WWII as “By the time
the German people found out what Hitler really stood for, it was too
late.”)
One last note: Robert Colbert’s ability to keep a straight face must
be what led to him showing up in “Amazon Women On The Moon”—
he’s the astronaut with the gray hair who bets all aliens will speak “the
universal language: dough-re-mi!”
There you have it, the world’s most overly complete guide to the
magic that was “The Time Tunnel”. Please correct me if I’ve
mistranscribed any of the quotes or left out any crucial details.
— James “Kibo” Parry
absorbing the deadly comic rays
that orbit the Earth in
the Irwin Allen radiation belt
245
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.comedy-central,alt.comedy.standup,
alt.tv.seaquest,alt.tv.ilovelucy,alt.tv.v
Subject: SCRIPT: THE SPECIAL SHOW
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 19:26:34 GMT
©
Hello everybody! I love you all! Here is my important gift to mankind,
a TV show just for Y-O-U!!!!
And the best part is I got paid to write this!!!
--
Todos los derechos reservados.
THE SPECIAL SHOW!
=================
12/4/96 BROADCAST
FADE IN
A stern-looking, rather wide NURSE (who looks like Chris Farley after a
sex change, with glasses) is dressed entirely in white, standing in
front of a white padded wall. There is a window which shows an all-white
landscape made out of paper.
NURSE
I’m sorry, you’re not allowed to watch normal television any
more. You have to watch... THE SPECIAL SHOW.
She pulls a TV cart into view from screen right. The TV’s case is
painted white, as is the cart. A WORKMAN dressed in white coveralls and
white painter’s cap follows, touching up the white paint on the TV. The
TV shows a revolving chrome logo that spells out “THE SPECIAL SHOW”. As
the announcer reads the title, the workman begins painting the screen
white.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The! Special! Mmmmmmph!
FADE TO WHITE
FADE TO:
246
KIBO, our host, is the perfect host for this show. He is someone that
insane people will love and trust. His hair is the tip-off. He is
standing in front of a psychedelic background, wearing a fireman’s coat.
He will appear thus between film clips.
KIBO
Hey everybody! Let’s have some fun!
SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE
SMASH-CUT TO:
This was hip for about a
month in late 1995 or early
1996, according to psychotic
Italian Gen-Xers.
TITLE CARD: FUNNY FUNNY CANDY
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Funny! Funny! Candy!
KIBO is holding a small piece of candy in each hand.
KIBO
(excited)
Nougat... (re his other hand) ...antinougat! (He touches them
together and we see stock footage of the Earth exploding, then
we see Kibo with black smudges all over his face.)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
KIBO his holding a large block of something wet.
KIBO
(whiny)
My fuuuudge won’t stop bleeeeding!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
KIBO is waving a blackboard eraser in front of a bluescreen, which is
showing a close-up of a bowl of canned chili.
KIBO
(happy)
I’m erasing chili!
247
TITLE CARD: CANDY ALL GONE
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(singsong)
Candy all gone!
DISSOLVE TO:
KIBO against the psychedelic background again.
KIBO
Wow, wasn’t that funny? No, it wasn’t “funny”, it was “funny
funny”! Now let’s see something “funny funny funny”!
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: THE STRANGER
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(whispering)
The stranger...
FADE TO:
A grizzled GAS STATION ATTENDANT is sitting in a rocking chair by the
side of the road in the middle of the desert. A FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM
walks up.
FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM
(articulate)
Pardon me, but I could use some directions as I appear
to be lost.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You filthy disgusting bum, your body is covered with head lice
and foot odor and you never take a bath and you smell like cheese!
FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM
Yeah, but at least I ain’t lost!
FAST-MOTION WITH WACKY MUSIC: The ATTENDANT kicks the BUM in the butt
several times and chases him off to the horizon, waving his arms
frantically.
CUT TO:
248
KIBO, against the psychedelic background.
KIBO
Whee! Do you wanna see something seeeecret?
(KIBO walks over to an easel holding up a large geometric diagram)
KIBO
Loooooooook! The pennnntagon is full of hexagons!
SFX: WACKY BOING
TITLE CARD: THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The! Most! Dangerous! Game!
A BOY and GIRL are sitting on the floor. The boy rolls a handful of
dice. He picks up two and rolls them again. He picks up one and rolls it
again.
BOY
Yahtzee!
The both drop dead.
TITLE CARD: KIBO’S SCIENCE SEGMENT
KIBO is in front of a large jail cell which has a sign saying “ALL THE
SCIENTIST IN THE WORLD”. Several are inside. ALBERT EINSTEIN has his
head stuck between the bars.
KIBO
Hello, Einstein!
EINSTEIN
(crying)
Kibo, I admit I was wrong to oppose your brilliant theory that
the entire Universe is just a huge holographic fractal made of water
vapor! All past scientific discoveries pale in comparison with your
one true theory that explains all science forever!
KIBO
(very cheerful)
Sorry! Not good enough.
KIBO cuts Einstein’s head off with a giant pair of scissors and opens
the door. EINSTEIN’S HEADLESS BODY runs out. We see Einstein’s body
running through the streets, scaring people. The body rides through a
car wash and at the other end, only Einstein’s skeleton comes out.
249
TITLE CARD: THAT’S A BIG SHEET OF PAPER
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(honestly impressed)
That’s a big sheet of paper!
BOY #2 is lying on an endless sheet of paper that goes to the horizon.
He is doodling with crayons. A signpost stuck in the paper about twenty
feet away says “Welcome to Paperlandia”.
BOY #2
(singing to himself)
La, la, la, la da da...
MOM
(walking past from screen right)
Honey, you’ve gotta write smaller because the paper is so big.
INSERT: Close-up of boy’s “can you believe this?” expression.
SFX: WACKY SPLAT
BOY #2 goes back to coloring.
POP
(walking past from screen right)
Honey, if you keep writing that small, we’ll have to get you
glasses you don’t need!
INSERT: Same close-up
SFX: WACKY RICOCHET
BOY #2 goes back to coloring.
MOM & POP
(together, as they walk past from screen right)
Son, you’re perfect just the way you are. In fact, you’re too
perfect. No TV for you tonight!
BOY #2
But, Mom & Pop, you said I could watch “The Special Show”!
MOM & POP
(shouting from offscreen)
Not until you resign from the Presidency!
INSERT: Same close-up
SFX: TAPE OF “HAIL TO THE CHIEF”
CUT TO:
250
KIBO, in front of the psychedelic background. He is still wearing the
fireman’s coat.
KIBO
(as the background bursts into flame)
Well, did you like the show? I sure did. Tune in next week, when
we’ll show you why computers don’t like me!
THE PICTURE CRUMPLES UP INTO A LITTLE BALL AND FLIES OFF INTO OUTER
SPACE, WHERE IT EXPLODES. LETTERS COME OUT OF THE EXPLOSION AND SWIRL
AROUND TO SPELL OUT “THE END”.
FADE TO WHITE
FADE TO:
The NURSE in the white room is using a fire hose on white TV as it
burns. The paper landscape is also burning. A man dressed as NAPOLEON
runs past the window, laughing.
NAPOLEON
I’m free! I’m free!
NURSE
I curse your genius, Napoleon!
NAPOLEON
Tee-hee!
FADE TO BLACK
TITLE CARD: A PRODUCTION OF THE SPECIAL CHANNEL
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Bye-bye!
I should point out that I have
a college degree in wacky
scriptwriting. At this very
moment, I'm waiting for
Paramount to call me about
that “Perfect Strangers” script
I sent them six years ago!
(“Balki, if you hadn’t mailed
the wrong letter, we wouldn’t
be stuck out here on this
window ledge trying to kill the
President!”)
Subject: Re: SCRIPT: THE SPECIAL SHOW
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:42:38 GMT
>>Hello everybody! I love you all! Here is my important gift to mankind,
>>a TV show just for Y-O-U!!!!
251
>>
>>And the best part is I got paid to write this!!!
>
>What do you mean by “paid”?
I was earning money while I was writing it.
Now I’m earning money for NOT WRITING IT AGAIN!!!
— K.
I’m writing ANOTHER ONE!!!
(We see a kid pushing one of those
little Styrofoam BBs flying around
pushing a large transparent vacuum
newspaper, and a pair of high heel
I actually wrote a second Special
Show and most of the third in
1996, but didn’t get around to
posting them until 1997, so you
can’t read them in this book. Nyah.
transparent toy vacuum cleaners with
inside. Pan over to reveal that Mom is
cleaner with a cup of coffee, a
shoes flying around inside. Laugh track.)
Subject: Re: SCRIPT: THE SPECIAL SHOW
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 08:13:15 GMT
>>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
>>(Nick S Bensema) wrote:
>>
>>>In article <[email protected]>,
>>>James “Kibo” Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>>Hello everybody! I love you all! Here is my important gift to mankind,
>>>>a TV show just for Y-O-U!!!!
>>>>
>>>>And the best part is I got paid to write this!!!
>>>
>>>What do you mean by “paid”?
>>
>>I was earning money while I was writing it.
>
>You mean you wrote it, and someone saw it and gave you money because of
>it?
No, I mean I wrote it while I was being paid to fill a chair.
Don’t you wish your job was like that?
— K.
And it’s a COMFY CHAIR!!!!
I miss the inflatable Big
Bird chair I had when I
was four. He made funny
noises until I popped him.
252
Subject: This Year’s Christmas Spot Story.
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 1996 10:17:45 GMT
Just thought I should warn you all that this year’s story will really,
really suck, and you’ll all want to kill me after you read it. So please
don’t have standards that are too high this year, or you’ll ruin Christmas
for everyone, okay?
-- K.
The story would even offend Bob Odenkirk and Dave Cross.
(watch “Mr. Show”.)
Looking back on the Christmas
story, I realize now that despite
my efforts to offend everyone,
it’s not nearly as offensive as
even the most pedestrian
Hanna-Barbera cartoon. So
I’d like to apologize to everyone
for not offending them with the
following story.
P.S. I just sold the broadcast
rights to UPN for $50,000.
Subject: STORY: Spot’s Terrible, Horrible, Rotten, No-Good Christmas
Date: Wed, 25 Dec 1996 04:42:34 GMT
WARNING: this is stupid and crass and will offend absolutely everyone. If
you’re not offended, then you’re a FAG!!! (entire studio audience goes
“Woooooo!” here)
This is the clever
line that earned me
$50,000.
Anyway, I recommend that nobody read this, because if even one person were
to read it, it would ruin Christmas for EVERYONE, forever. And then we’d
all have to celebrate Kwanzaa which and then they’d have to make a new
Peanuts special, only it would be all ripply because Charles Schulz is
getting all twitchy. I know ‘cause he killed a guy he thought was a burglar
but it was really just his dog, Snoopy.
Hey, I didn’t mean for the story to come out like this when I wrote it. I’m
just bitter and evil because I didn’t get my Daisy Red Ryder BB gun for
Christmas and now I’ve got no way to defend myself against Charles Schulz.
253
SPOT’S TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, ROTTEN, NO-GOOD CHRISTMAS
A FUN STORY
featuring the great Jim Varney
as Spunky, The Token Physically Challenged Elf,
singing the hit song,
“If It Were Christmas All Year We’d Never Have Any Wars”
©
by James “Kibo” Parry
Copyright (C) 1996
Spot was on an Amtrak train, the Lake Shore Limited, which used to be known
as The Twentieth Century in the olden days when people thought it made the
train sound more futuristic. Back then they thought if you travelled over
five miles an hour, you’d die of a nosebleed, which is why the train went
so slowly. Spot was reading the colorful yet blurry Time magazine:
In Israel, Palestinian detainees are frequently tortured
by being forced to watch “Super Sabado Gigante” until
they develop brain lesions. Israel is the first country
to fund torture with a scratch-and-win lottery.
Time had gotten too right-wing for Spot! He hurled it out the window,
shouted “BAH! ANTI-SEMITISM!” and went back to playing with his Groucho
glasses while deciding that yes, Dick Van Dyke was funnier than Carl Reiner.
“Mmm-hmm. Anti-semitism. That’s nice,” said the man sitting next to
him, who wasn’t paying much attention because he was busy typing. He looked
up and saw Spot’s Groucho glasses. “Hey! Can I borrow those? You see, I’m
incredibly important, and I don’t want the evil people to recognize me!” He
grabbed the glasses and put them on.
Spot thought his face was familiar. He had a ring of bright red hair,
sort of like Larry Harmon only older, with a large bump protruding from the
middle of his forehead and holes in each of his front teeth. He was wearing
a Commodore’s uniform covered with gold braid and insignia showing
triangular snakes crawling through the wall of fire atop a pyramid. To
conserve paper, he was typing onto a loop of erasable bond. Spot knew he
must be one of the world’s most prolific writers because he had a
custom-built typewriter with single symbols for common words like “and”,
“dollar”, “number”, and “a”. He was writing this:
TYPEWRITER IN THE BRAIN
by L. Ron Hubbard
Freddie Fracken woke up with the horrible realization
that he was trapped in a terrible story written by
a talentless hack writer who was riding on a train
next to a stupid little puppy named Spot. Meanwhile,
a giant flying brain was...
254
Spot still couldn’t figure out who the man was. Just then, an
announcement came over the train’s intercom:
“Attention, passengers. The snack car, dining car, lounge car, and
club car--which are all located in the rearmost car, at the front end of
the train--will remain closed until we depart Albany. We will reach Albany
approximately three hours after departing Schenectady.”
Spot’s stomach growled! He was hungry, and if he wanted food, he’d
have to make it himself. He wanted doughnuts and ice cream. Taking his
Presto “Fry Baby Fry!” doughnut maker from the overhead luggage rack and
his Black & Decker “Sissy Man Ice Creamer” from under the seat, he set them
up on his tray table. He started the oil heating, and read the instructions
for making ice cream. When he finished, he was just about to dump a
five-pound bag of ice cubes into the Sissy Man Ice Creamer, when the train
his a bump in the rail. The ice cubes fell into the boiling oil, which
tipped over the deep fryer into Spot’s lap! He screamed and ripped the
paper out of L. Ron Hubbard’s typewriter, trying to wipe the oil off.
“BODY THETANS ARE AFTER ME!!!” screamed L. Ron, who bolted down the
aisle and hurled himself out the emergency exit. He landed on his bump,
outside Schenectady.
Spot’s fur sizzled as the oil burned through his tender young skin. A
tear ran down his cheek as he realized that all his expensive acne
treatments had been wasted. Maybe the restroom would have a large quantity
of super-powerful Amtrak soap so he could wash the oil off. He trotted down
the aisle to the restroom, which was curiously unoccupied.
Inside, he discovered that the sink was two inches across and designed
so that you could not put your hands (or paws) under the faucet, to prevent
you from making a mess. The soaps were only printed onto the counter, and
the hand towels were a rock labeled PRETEND. Well, at least Spot could
relieve himself. He tentatively turned to the train toilet.
It was a little hole in the floor of the train, with a sign, DO NOT
USE WHILE TRAIN IS IN THE UNITED STATES. Spot figured it was okay, as they
weren’t in the U.S., they were in Schenectady. He tried to go.
He tried some more.
The train was noisy! Spot couldn’t go! “Waah!” he cried,
“My bladder hurts!”
Suddenly, the train hit another bump and Spot fell through the little
hole. He bounced along the tracks for a few minutes after the other six
cars ran him over, and then looked up and saw a huge electric sign saying
WEL OME TO SCHENEC ADY
HOME OF
GENERA ELECTR C
WE BRI G GOOD T INGS TO LI
As he looked at the sign, several more letters burned out, and the “Y”
burst into flame, giving off toxic vapors. Spot ran away to find a public
restroom.
He figured there’d be one in the biggest building in town, a
four-story parking garage. But there weren’t. He tried both stores in the
shopping mall, and there weren’t any restrooms. He tried the community
college with Tennessee Tuxedo as their mascot, but there were no
255
facilities. He tried The Restroom Store, but they didn’t have any in stock.
Spot’s teeth were swimming, and also he needed to go to the bathroom!
He tried the last building in town: a gigantic cube five miles on a
side, the General Electric plant. Inside he met world-famous Bernard
Vonnegut, who had once developed a weapon that would make it impossible for
anyone to ever again stack cannonballs in a pyramid! He also saw an exhibit
on “How To Swim” by Steinmetz, and preserved under glass was Thomas
Edison’s first electric bow tie, which still worked.
Spot entered a back room, and there were strange things in it. Pieces
of monsters littered the floor and sparks crackled from huge dynamos
attached to teleportation booths and time machines and shrink rays. Along
one wall were big glass jars filled with smelly yellowish fluid. There were
some things floating in the jars--they looked like big cauliflowers with a
crease down the middle, in fact they looked kind of like brains, but Spot
couldn’t tell what they were--and Spot figured nobody would notice a little
more smelly yellow fluid. He relieved himself in the nearest jar, which was
labeled “A. Einstein”.
Ahhhhh! Much better! Spot shook his whole body dry. But what was that
strange, throbbing, pulsating, oscillating, syncopating noise? He looked in
the jar. The brain was glowing with radiant energy! Lightning crackled
around it. The jar shattered and the brain rose into the air!
“I’M FREE!” shouted Einstein’s brain as it flew around the room,
shooting lightning bolts at stuff. Just like in a Joe Dante movie, every
single object in the room was knocked over one by one in close-up! Spot
screamed and ran away.
Behind him, the evil humming noise grew louder. He looked over his
shoulder. The giant GE laboratory building was glowing. It exploded!
Einstein’s evil brain, now a hundred feet across, rose into the air and
flew after Spot. The brain chased him through the streets of Schenectady.
Spot ducked into the mall again--we would try to lose the brain by blending
in with a group of four hep teenagers.
“Zoicks!” said one.
“Jinkies!” said another.
“Wowsers!” said the third.
“Hey Scooby ol’ buddy ol’ pal!” said the fourth, a filthy hippie with
a strident voice that could cut through AM radio static. Spot was trapped
in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon in real life! This was almost as bad as being
chased by a giant brain!
“Oh, come now, everyone knows there’s no such thing as giant brains,”
said Velma, the intelligent girl.
“Yeah!” said Daphne, the beautiful girl.
“We’ll just have to see about that! I have a plan. Here’s what we’ll
do: psst psst psst...” whispered Fred, the guy with the pink ascot tie and
white sailor pants with a hankie hanging out the back pocket. Fred opened
the mall door. The brain was waiting outside. While Shaggy and Scooby gave
it a haircut to confuse it, Fred unzipped the giant brain to see what was
inside.
“It’s old man Witherspoon!” shouted Fred, “And he used that slide
projector with a hologram to make the brain fly!!!”
Witherspoon was vexed. “Yeah, and I woulda gotten away with it if it
hadn’t been for you kids and this stupid little puppy!”
256
“Yay!” shouted the kids. Spot, insulted, slunk off. He was depressed.
He’d been in this story for many pages, and nobody had told him the true
meaning of Christmas!
Spot had a horrible thought: what if... he were trapped in L. Ron
Hubbard’s story? Naah. That couldn’t be true--there weren’t any rants about
the evils of psychiatrists. That was an idea! Maybe a psychiatrist could
explain the true meaning of Christmas!
In the office of Schenectady’s leading psychiatrist, Dr. Elmer Nanter,
Spot relaxed on the couch. “You see, Doctor Nanter, it’s a Christmas story.
But try as I might, I just can’t drag any Christmas stuff into the story.”
“Hmm.” On his yellow pad, Dr. Nanter drew some tanks blowing up his
gym teacher who was buried up to his neck in sand and was shouting “I
APOLOGIZE!!! SAVE ME!!!” Then he drew a little stick figure of himself
shouting “YOU DESERVE HELL!!!” and then he noticed Spot was looking at him
funny because he had shouted it aloud.
Was this an omen? Was Spot trapped in an anti-psychiatric science
fiction story by L. Ron Hubbard? Or was he trapped in an anti-semitic
article in Time? Why couldn’t he be in Life’s annual “Pictures Of The True
Meaning Of Christmas And Movie Stars”, one of forty-nine issues a year
devoted to how great Christianity was? Why couldn’t he be one of the many
delightful TV commercials that showed Santa shopping at Our Store? Why
couldn’t he at least be in a bag of the special Christmas M&M’s, which were
like the regular ones with the brown ones discriminated out? Why couldn’t
he at least get a computer-printed Christmas card from his doggie dentist?
Spot cried! This was the worst Christmas ever, because he was trapped
in the worst Christmas adventure ever!
Somewhere, a Muzak speaker began to play an old John Lennon tune:
Imagine... a world with no Christmas...
I wonder if you can?
Well, dammit, I can’t.
Everyone was celebrating Christmas except Spot! Spot was having a
major religious crisis and needed to have a Christmas adventure. If he
couldn’t meet Santa Claus soon, he’d go to Hell, where a guy in a red furry
suit would torture him!
Little did Spot know that to find Santa, he’d just have to go back to
the GE building and look in the jar between Hitler’s brain and Pauline
Kael’s. Santa’s brain and Pauline’s were celebrating Christmas by giving
good reviews only to bad films. Meanwhile, on the next shelf, Carol
Channing’s brain began to sing a cheery song. Of course, nobody could hear
it, because everyone knows there’s no such thing as brains.
257
not scary not scary not scary not scary not scary not scary not scary
kids,not
YOU
not scary not scary notRemember,
scary not scary
scaryMUST
not scary not scary
TRUST
SANTA.
not scary not scary not ALWAYS
scary not scary
not scary
not scary not scary
And not
if you
don’t
not scary not scary not scary
scary
not believe
scary notinscary not scary
him,not
allscary
yournot
friends
not scary not scary not scary
scarywill
not scary not scary
hernias!
not scary not scary not scary get
not hiatal
scary not
scary not scary not scary
Be warned, that this
article is not from the
hand of Kibo.
Therefore, reading it may
make your brain explode.
From: [email protected] (Ian A. York)
Subject: A HAPPY Christmas Story!
Summary: James and Matt have a happy Christmas!
Keywords: Spot is not allowed
Date: 25 Dec 1996 11:43:33 -0500
Sheesh, some people just aren’t happy
when Christmas ends in tragedy for
everyone. Where’s their Christmas spirit?
THE KIBOBSEY TWINS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
A 1950’s Kibology Story
It was a bright, sunny Christmas morning when James "Kibobsey" Kibobsey
and his twin brother, Matt "Kibobsey" Kibobsey, awoke. Ma was baking
bread in the kitchen, and Grampa was smoking his non-carcinogenic pipe
while sitting in a rocking chair next to the wood stove. Stripe, the
highly-intelligent yet affectionate collie, was asleep beside Grampa, and
in spite of having turkey for dinner the night before was not producing
large invisible clouds of aromatic farts. Gramma, sitting in her pink
rocking chair on the other side of the wood stove, was peacefully knitting
her lace. Gramma knew perfectly well that she was supposed to tat her
lace, but she didn't want to give Ralph any openings, if you know what I
mean and I think you do.
James "Kibobsey" leapt to his feet! "Oh boy! It's Christmas!" he
shouted, but quietly because he didn't want to disturb his honest, poor
but hardwarking parents who somehow managed to have enough money to buy
him and his twin brother all the toys he wanted. Matt "Kibobsey" jumped
to his feet too. The two happy twins did their little "happy twin" dance,
in the middle of the room so that they wouldn't risk damaging any of the
259
many elaborate model ships, trains, spaceships, and cars they had made
from twigs, gravel, string they had found, and used bubblegum.
After they had finished their "happy twin" dance (which was the only dance
they knew) both twins sat down and finished their homework for the day.
Their stern but twinkly-eyed teacher had told them they wouldn't have to
do any homework on the holidays, but gosh-darn it! They didn't want to
get behind! Besides, homework was fun!
Finally they had finished their homework, and by a coincidence the bread
had finished baking, and Ma and Pa Kibobsey had just set out a healthy,
nutritious breakfast, consisting of fruit, Kellogs(TM) Corn Flakes(TM),
Nabisco Brand(TM) Shredded Wheat(TM) and porridge made from Quaker
Oats(TM). James and Matt sat down and ate all their yummy,
made-in-America breakfast, crunching the little (TM) signs between their
teeth happily, even though they were excited and eager to open the huge
mound of presents under the tree they had decorated the day before. Ma
and Pa Kibobsey looked on with proud smiles, while discussing important
matters of the day, like whether the awful pinko Commie Reds would rape,
torture, and disembowel little boys when they invaded, as they were sure
to try to do -- but American know-how and patriotism would turn them back
before they could do any real harm! (The Commies, that is, not the little
boys, because little boys -- even Commie pinko little boys -- were always
welcome in America!)
Finally James "Kibobsey" and Matt "Kibobsey" had finished their breakfast,
and, fortified by the iron and twelve essential vitamins in their
American-made breakfast cereal, leaped to the task of opening their
presents. Gramma, Grampa, and Ma and Pa Kibobsey all looked on with happy
smiles as James and Matt got everything they wanted for Chrismas! It was
the best Christmas ever, until next year, when it was even better.
Meanwhile, Spot was having his Christmas, and rone was heaving his guts.
-Ian York
([email protected]) <http://www.panix.com/~iayork/>
"-but as he was a York, I am rather inclined to suppose him a
very respectable Man." -Jane Austen, The History of England
I should
know who
RonE is,
but I’ve
forgotten.
fil l e r
filler
260
“MMMM... BEEFY!!!”
EVIL!
It should come as no surprise that the
Good Part of the book is over. Now
you have the choice of amusing
yourself quietly, like Alan Alda (left),
or turning the page to read the articles
that were rejected from this book.
261
These are articles by Kibo that aren’t that great.
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
misc.creativity,alt.religion.kibology
Re: "REVENGE"
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry)
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Asia Super Bowl Blow Job
1996/03/23
<[email protected]>
In misc.creativity article <[email protected]>,
The Armstrongs <[email protected]> wrote:
> WHAT IS THE BEST TYPE OF "REVENGE"?
Hmm, alt.sex.masterbation still getting a significant amount of traffic
compared to the group for wankers WHO CAN SPELL, but the target audience
is no less brainy:
I DON'T KNOW.
In article <[email protected]>, aisat <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Asia Super Bowl Blow Job
>
> Best XXX BBS to watch the Super Bowl on screen and get
> a blow job all the way through. Plenty of gif.files will be there for
> the
> game. Just sit back and enjoy. You MUST be over 18, white or yellow
> or black, male
> or female. Cowboys or Steelers, just blow on my screen. The Ultimate
> F-ZONE BBS
> Blow it now,
>
[long list of incredibly expensive overseas phone numbers deleted.
And for some reason when I dialed them all, the Super Bowl wasn't playing!!!]
-- K.
WAIT A MINUTE,
I GUESS THIS ARTICLE DOESN'T QUALIFY TO GO INTO MISC.CREATIVITY.
I'D BETTER DO SOMETHING CREATIVE.
UM.
UM... UH...
DOY...
DURHEY........ DAWWW.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SORRY I CAN'T THINK. OF ANYTHING.
-- K.
and then my head exploded and a puppy
came out and everyone hugged!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: *flutterflutter*
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.mcdonalds
alt.duh
Dan R., please don't read
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
"What's new on the menu at McDonalds?"
"The McLean Stevenson."
*WOMP*
In article <[email protected]>, Discord <[email protected]> wrote:
> Arlan Hellion is my HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO.
*WOMP*
*WA*
*WA*!
-- K.
He posts frequently to rec.arts.sf.tv under the name "Ghellione".
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.sci.physics.plutonium,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
Re: 02/24/96 14:11 [email protected] start of bombings
1996/03/06
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics article <[email protected]>,
>
Someday, someone will build a filter so good that it will make
> Emailbombing obsolete. I have been educated by friendly emailers who
> have told me about ProcMail and Elm. Personally, I think a monetary
> value out to be attached to each email and to the length. In that
> manner, the connection of money to email will extinct emailbombing
> except for the bozos who do not care to pay for their bozory.
This is exactly the same solution proposed by Bill Gates.
It is different from *my* solution, which is of course better than
anyone else's, in the following points:
1.)
When people pay to send mail, all the money MUST go to ME.
2.) It should be spelled "bozosity" (Todd McComb's coinage) and not
"bozory" (A. Plutonium's excellent alternative) and not "boz-dacity"
(Larry Harmon's bozotic spelling. Who is this Larry Harmon guy, anyway?)
3.)
.signatures do not count when computing cost.
-- K.
dare I post *it* to sci.physics? Naah.
Hannu Poropudas would probably complain.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,comp.mail.eudora.mac
Eudora question: The snake and the rooster.
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
I would like to know what the name of the "You have no new mail." snake is.
(Same for the "You have mail." rooster.) Is the snake poisonous?
What about the rooster? He looks sort of rabid.
-- K.
I always loved Eudora on "Bewitched".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
sci.bio.misc,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.slack,
Re: FROM EGG TO EMBRYO, J.M.W.Slack, 1991, news of nuclear
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
In sci.bio.misc article <[email protected]>,
>
> --- quoting Slack pp 185-186 -->
> The first reports of nuclear transplantations in the mouse embryo
> suggested that ICM nuclei could support the development of enucleated
> eggs, thus rather resembling the situation in amphibians. [...]
Hey, Archimedes, I'm glad you found your Slack!
I wish I had Slack. Unfortunately I sold it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So why is Kibo reprinting them? POSTERITY!
262
Farrah Fawcett has great posterity.
Newsgroups:
alt.current-Events.net-Abuse,news.admin.net-Abuse.misc,
fj.news.net-Abuse,alt.religion.kibology
Subject:
HAY EVERY BUDDY !!!!!111
From:
Date:
1996/02/24
Message-Id: <[email protected]>
HIGH THIER EVERY 1 !!!!!!!!11
I W00D LIEK 2 N0 H0W 2 ABUZE THE 'NET'
BUT 1 D0NT C ANEY USE FUL STUF HEAR IN THIS 'NET-ABUSE' BB0ARD CHAT R00M !!!!11
ALS0 CAN S0ME 1 PLEEZ SEND ME THAT K00L S0FT WEAR THAT WILL LET ME MAKE
MY SPEL CHEKKER SHUT THE HECK UP ??????/// AD... THANKS... VANCE !!!11
-- KIBIFF !!!!11 & HIS LITTEL FRIEND SP0T
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Keywords:
sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Is Moon moving away from Earth?
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
Space:1999!, Moonbase Alpha, Martin Landau, Kibo for President
Ben Weiner <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> You think so! What happens in 1999 when that atomic stockpile blows
> up and sends the Moon flying off into outer space??!!!!
It's not an atomic stockpile. It's an atomic waste dump.
An atomic stockpile could never do that! Don't you know your physics?
It's *got* to be a *waste dump*!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,news.newusers.questions,alt.newbie
Hello boys and girls,
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
This is the world's most polite method of trolling for newbies.
It will ask you to do something stupid. Please play along so that
interested parties may laugh at our ridiculous yet ritualized interaction.
>
>
>
>
>
>
You think
NASA is trying to build Space Station Alpha, but it's really ...
Moonbase Alpha! And to think that just a few short years after Martin
Landau revived his career as Bela Lugosi in "Ed Wood," the man will
be lost to Hollywood forever when the Moon is blown out of the
solar system.
It'll be blown clear out of its Universe, which means it'll go at least
halfway across the Solar System or a small distance within its
constellation. By the way, what constellation is the Sun in?
-- K.
trn sci.astro readers: to killfile Kibo's
posts, put "/kibo/f:+" in your killfile
(~/News/sci/astro/KILL). You should only
read posts from real physicicists, like
Hannu Poropudas.
Would you please post a followup to this article, and add "misc.test" to
the "Newsgroups:" line? Then please complain about the many, many
(sometimes as many as ten) replies you receive. It is best to complain
in all caps, to alt.sex.
Thank you for your assistance in this pointless and destructive
endeavour.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- K.
Can you find the misspelled word?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology
Re: IDIOT:Who is Kibo Anyway
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
Helge Moulding <[email protected]> wrote:
> Daniel Holzer wrote,
> : I am a freshman, so I haven't been on the internet for long. [...]
> A lot of posts of this nature have convinced me that all newsreaders
> need to bar anyone under the age of 22 from the alt.* domain.
He might be a 23-year-old freshman. You know, like that movie where
Marlon Brando went back to school and had Kurt Vonnegut (author of
"Chariots of the Gods") do his homework.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: It Came From Neptune!!!!!1!!!!!
1996/02/26
<[email protected]>
In article <[email protected]>, Ian A. York <[email protected]> wrote:
>
IT CAME FROM NEPTUNE!
Great script, babe, but it won't play in the sticks unless you get a
world-famous sci-fi director like the guy who made Solar Crisis and
Hellraiser IV: ALLEN SMITHEE.
Say, did anyone else notice the music they play during the Hellraiser IV
commercials--AND during the commercials for the new Tarzan/John Carter
toys--is stock music originally written as incidental music for the
Space:1999 episode where the Moon gets covered with soap suds?
I AM NOT MAKING UP! AHOY! STOCK MUSIC FUNNY!!!!
> rone [dramatically]: What have I LOOSED upon the world?!
>
>
>
>
>
: who is [Kibo]
There is no Kibo. Some joker who is currently posting as James Parry
is calling himself "Kibo," for unknown and probably illegal reasons.
The real James Parry is a moderately intelligent individual with a
life.
What a looser!
-- K.
Loosey, you got some splainin to do!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey!
I do not have a life!
> : why is he so famous,
> Someone calling himself "Kibo" once posted something funny to rec.humor.
> If you did that, you'd be famous, too.
That's "rec.humor.funny". There is no funny material anywhere else on
Usenet, but everything there is rip-roaringly rib-ticklingly riotous.
>
>
>
>
: and why hasn't he posted in the last 2 years
James Parry got a life. Kibo doesn't exist. There is a wonderful person
by the name of Kimbo Zsuerty, and maybe some people are just mispelling
her name.
Wow!
The CB Bears are on Cartoon Network!
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: It Came From Neptune!!!!!1!!!!!
1996/02/27
<[email protected]>
Daniel Kopko <[email protected]> wrote:
> [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
> >Say, did anyone else notice the music they play during the Hellraiser IV
> >commercials--AND during the commercials for the new Tarzan/John Carter
> >toys--is stock music originally written as incidental music for the
> >Space:1999 episode where the Moon gets covered with soap suds?
>
> >I AM NOT MAKING UP! AHOY! STOCK MUSIC FUNNY!!!!
>
> Wow. Gustav Holst wrote the music for Space:1999?
No, dummy, for "Star Trek VI".
-- K.
“Just read the pull-quotes if you get bored.”
263
“…Fraggle Crack is illegal.”
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Judge Geoffrey Morganthau , Pt 2 (n/c,mdom)
1996/02/26
<[email protected]>
Seen in alt.sex.stories, with non-ASCII curly quote marks included.
In article <[email protected]>, Promethia <> wrote:
> "Mrs. Beckwith, you’re asking me to subvert the law," the Judge said gravely.
> "As much as I’d like to help you I’m sure you’ll agree there are some things
a
> person simply must not allow themselves to do no matter how great the need or
> just the cause."
> "Oh, Judge, please," Shawna replied forlornly fighting back fresh tears, her
> breasts now truly heaving with her effort to remain composed. "I can’t agree
> with that. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to save my daughter from spending
> the best part of her life in prison."
And nine months later she gave birth to...
a boy... and named him...
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Let's learn from A.A., V.V., & Archie!
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics/sci.astro article <[email protected]>,
Alexander Abian <[email protected]> wrote:
> AA answers:
>
> AA recognizes a nut such as EF from up and included and more than 3000
> miles away.
> The nut EF recommends ignoring AA while apparently reads every single
> postings of AA. AA truly wishes that nuts such as EF put AA in their
> kill-files or at least totally ignore AA.
J"K"P could make a lame wisecrack about how maybe someone should _join_ AA,
but sci.physics and sci.astro are not the place for such infantile witticisms.
Therefore J"K"P will just phone it in to whatever that radio call-in
show they play on Channel 38 on my cable is.
Andrew!
-- K.
"I read it in a book called...
THE BIBLE!" -- The Time Tunnel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Keywords:
Newsgroups:
Re: Kibo
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
Kibo, Froggy, Neptune, Sheesh
Carlos May <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Is it true that you've been posting regularly this whole time,
> but there's a 8 to 14 month delay on Neptune's Usenet feed?
Um... My lamer says I can't answer that. LAWYER!!! I MEANT LAWYER!!!
NO NOT THE FACE!!!! AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Excuse me, by as Mr. Parry's LAWYER, I would like to read this
statement on his behalf, as he is currently "indisposed".
"My friends on this Usenet group or Web page, I cannot respond
to the above statement, witty though it may be, because...
-- K.
My filling just fell out.
AA, stop decreasing mass and start saying it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban,alt.culture.usenet
Re: like, Kibo and stuff
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
In article <[email protected]>, Sean Gaffney <[email protected]> wrote:
> Does anyone find this odd?
>
> 1) Kibo posts here again, and mentions that Fraggle Rock is illegal.
No, I mentioned that Fraggle Crack is illegal. Fraggle Rock is a
harmless sugar candy which just HAPPENS to be sold in similar-looking
crack vials.
> 2) Only one day earlier, they have that episode of Fraggle Rock
> where Sir Hubris returns after years and throws the Gorgs out of the
> garden.
Your TV feed is delayed a day. You must be on the Other Earth on the
far side of the Other Sun which is located behind the Moon. I'll have
Commander Straker and Captain Scarlet take you some fresh videotapes.
> 3) Ergo, Kibo will be clearing house. Either that or he's actually
> five small furry creatures in disguise.
>
> Sorry, this just occured to me. I felt it needed to be said.
...I have DIARRHEA!"
(close-up of wife's embarassed face)
-- K.'s protective outer lawyer
* SMIIIITE *
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --Sean Gaffney
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Keywords:
I used to love your editorials in National Lampoon.
alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.slack
Re: LaMaR AlExAnDeR
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
Kibo is the One, Kibo Now More Than EVER, Kibo RUL3Z!
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Thomas M Richardson <[email protected]> wrote:
> Boots....plaid shirts...hip waders....
>
> I was watching Cokie Roberts on CSPAN when she broke the REAL story:
>
>
The Lamar Alexander for President campaign is really a sEkReT
>
subliminal advertising ploy by L.L. Bean.
Actually, I hear that Alexander Abian is changing his name to "Lamer
Alexander".
Want the REAL scoop? Al Gore is filmed in Gerry Anderson's secret
"Supermarionation" process. No Koopa Troopas are involved.
-- K.
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
sci.bio.misc,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,sci.bio.technology,
Re: Longest living nuclei/cell in Human Body?
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
In sci.[somegroups] article <[email protected]>,
> In article <rfachini-2102961608300001@j_sullivan.amgen.com>
>
> Thanks Roger, I am told that some heart cells have two nuclei. Is that
> true?
> Anyone know of a individual cell which has two nuclei and why the need
> for 2 nucleus?
I once found an egg with two yolks. But I ate it. Now I'm twice as old
as I used to be, but I'm aging backwards. Also I have a tasty candy shell.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- K.
I installed RAMDoubler in my brainnnn.
“Now I’m twice as old as I used to be…”
264
“BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE”
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
NEW MISSION IN LIFE
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
Hey kids, it's time to play THINGIE!!!! Grab your dozens of free AOL
startup disks--those things in the huge heap on the lawn, in the
driveway, piled up over the cat--and logon to AOL, go to keyword MTV,
visit Yack Live, and type in the following over and over!
It is an is just as it isn't an isn't.
Actually, I'm really Joel Fu^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
Trust me, I'm me. If you want, here's my PGP public key:
xvob-1
Now go watch NBC's hot *new* "Viper 2005", the coolest show since "Viper".
-- K.
Furrfudge.
BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE
I'll do this a few times before destroying my secret AOL account.
And you should too. Or my name isn't L. Ron Howard!
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Raging Salieri
1996/02/27
<[email protected]>
Eli M. Balin <[email protected]> wrote:
> This week's getting off to a bad start. I just had a dream in which F.
> Murray Abraham shot me.
I had a dream where I was on "Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher" and
I was sitting next to Flo from "Alice" and I got fresh and she slapped me.
For some reason, while my brain was in an oxygen-deprived unconscious
state, I had made a pass at Flo. EWWWW!!!!! I woke up and felt like
screaming.
-- K.
Did I wake you up?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.exploding.kibo
reminder
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.exploding.kibo
You folks are forgetting to repost every one of my articles to
alt.humor.best-of-usenet. Although my postings are NEVER INTENDED AS HUMOR,
they nonetheless must be reposted to the appropriate places because I
don't know how to crosspost. Thank you.
-- K.
I'm with stupid----->
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
news.admin.net-Abuse.misc,alt.religion.kibology,
alt.folklore.urban
Re: Return of Kibo, or Hellish Forgery?!
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
In news.admin.net.abuse-misc article <[email protected]>,
David Sewell <[email protected]> wrote:
> OK, folks. Check out the header. Check out the appended finger
> information. Is this the most demonic forgery we've ever seen,
> or IS HE BACK?
Holy cow, someone created a news.admin.net-abuse.* hierarchy while I was
in Greenland with my Viking pals. This is surely a sign of the End Times.
Or at least the End Arial.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I'm trying to remember my HappyNet Arthurian mythology... is he
supposed to return riding on a UUCP link and sweeping before him
all the spammers, revisionists, death-threaters, binary-bombers,
and pretentious claimers that their own prose styles are better
than anyone else's who have cropped up since he left? Does
the Cabal ascend immediately, or do we have to wait until the
Bad Guys have endured the Time of Tribulation? (Or am I getting
my theologies mixed?)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.scientology
Simple religious technology question.
1996/02/22
<[email protected]>
If I want to receive ClariNet's eNews on my Apple eWorld account, can I
just bridge them with the two electrodes of my Hubbard eMeter?
-- K.
now seen live on E!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.scientology
Re: Simple religious technology question.
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
Christopher Masto <[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
> >If I want to receive ClariNet's eNews on my Apple eWorld account, can I
> >just bridge them with the two electrodes of my Hubbard eMeter?
> >
> >
-- K.
> >
now seen live on E!
>
> Does this mean you will be replaced by Greg Kinnear?
No, but it DOES mean that I will play Han Solo in the forthcoming Star
Wars prequels. All the other actors, however, will be computer-generated.
Luke will be played by the guy with the glossy licorice hair on "ReBoot".
-- K.
Chewie will be Pac-Man.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.folklore.computers,alt.religion.kibology
Re: The Jargon File - A question above one of the entries
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
In alt.folklore.computers article <[email protected]>,
Umlazi Boy <[email protected]> wrote:
> The entry about bells and whistles, they state that no-one has come up
> with a def of what a bell is and what a whistle is ? Is this true, and
> is so, what is/are they.
>
> Could I be bold and suggest that bells being physical items, would
> refer to hardware and whistles being non-physical, would refer to
> software ?
Hmm. I need to wet my whistle while I think about this. Hey, that's it!
Whistles are the parts of the program that work underwater! No, wait,
diving bells do that too.
Bells are the parts you can put on the cat, and whistles are the parts
that make dogs come running. Unless the dog's deaf or the cat has no
neck. But that's stupid.
Maybe we should just define one term, and then every OTHER line of code
will be the other thing. Therefore, bells are the parts of the source
code that compile to the opcode represented in ASCII as ^G.
Mix 'em enough and you'll get Kibology. It's not just a religion;
it's a religion with SWIRLS AND SPRINKLES ON TOP!
-- K.
Or maybe whistles are the parts
that make steam come out of the CPU.
> Is it an End Times or is it an isn't?
“Chewie will be Pac-Man.”
265
“ ‘Put down by Nanook.’ ”
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
The scariest thing Kibo ever said:
1996/02/25
<[email protected]>
"Sure, I'll be your expert witness."
-- K.
(cackling evilly as he hoards the
last _________ _______s you'll ever see)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Thread6
1996/02/21
<[email protected]>
John F. Winston <[email protected]> wrote:
>
I don't know what has come over me. Normally and even this week a
> person asked me a lot of questions and I just referred him to a
> web site that has over 400 of my postings put down by a friend of
> mine called Nanook. It is called;
> http://zeta.cs.adfa.oz.au/Spirit/JohnWinston/john-winston9.html
Newsgroups:
alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.spanking,
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking
Subject:
Re: WEB SITE!!!
From:
Date:
1996/02/25
In christnet.bible article <[email protected]>,
Kelly Matthews <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Please stop by our New and Improved web site!
>
> We have a Reading Room that contains:
>
Monthly Articles
>
Topics to Share your Thoughts on:
>
Tongues
>
Tithing
>
Secular Music
>
Spanking/Discipline
Won't it be hard to get a "Spanking/Discipline" page past SurfWatch?
Can someone else please go there and mail me all the dirty pictures?
-- K.
Is it non-dominational?
I have no joke here. I just like saying "put down by Nanook".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> JW A while back I hosted a TV show and was going to document his
> life but it never came to pass. I have now retired from TV.
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 22:27:04 -0400
Subject: Re: "Breakfast Club" Typecasting
'Tis a shame, given how bleak the '95 and '96 TV seasons are. I mean,
they're putting "Viper" back on the air. Maybe you should consider
going into movies; an industry that would fund "Car 54, Where Are You?
The Motion Picture" would certainly give you a few million dollars to do
a "Science Faction" film. Imagine what that pink rectangular Styrofoam
UFO would look like once you hired Industrial Light & Magic to do
digital wire removal on it.
> JW Winifred is a net friend of mine. She is an interdimensional
> traveller. She was in the service in World War II.
I can't travel interdimensionally, so I'm only able to move along the Y axis.
Fortunately, my job is just down the street. Unfortunately, my
hallway has a right angle bend in it. Waah!
-- K.
Communing in linear time
>[email protected] (brent jackson) wrote:
>:[1] either i never learned or have completely forgotten
>:
why kibo dislikes helvetica so much. the best theory i
>:
can come up with is that the name 'helvetica' sounds
>:
more like the name of a cheese than of a font...
>
>I've never been too fond of "helvetica" (the font) myself. I think it's
>pretty ugly compared to sublime works like "Block-up" and "Times Roman".
>
>I think Kibo hates helvetica because it was originally named something
>like "XXX Grotesk Sans-serif".
Please. Neue Haas Grotesk. "Grotesk" is a kind of sans-serif, although the
terms have slightly different meanings depending on who's talking.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Trolling on MTV
1996/02/24
<[email protected]>
In article <[email protected]>, Bruce Ediger <[email protected]> wrote:
> MTV is doing this thing where AOL people's on-line commentary runs in
> a text box just underneath a video. It looks like they're doing it
> in near real time. I happened to catch a "Green Day" video where
> they were doing this - it came after "Just a Girl" by No Doubt, which
> is a really cool video. Anyway, I was puzzled for a moment, when
> one AOL user wrote "Why doesn't Billy Jo put his wife Christey Brinkley
> in any Green Day videos". Then I remembered: Kibo's Back!
MAN, I SURE HOPE NOBODY E-MAILED THEM A WHOLE BUNCH OF IDEAS THAT COULD
HELP ACCELERATE THE SCRAPING OF NEURONS OFF YOUR RETINA THROUGH MTV.
-- K.
Giggling like Lloyd Bridges swimming through ether
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Bent, Boy Scientist,
realizing his audience has
been replaced with
Mensa members.
>The only thing worse than "Helvetica" is "Bookman", and the only thing
>worse than "Bookman" is that illegitmate family of "Remedy" like fonts
>so popular in commercial art these days.
Wait'll you see what I've got here. A couple of months. Your eyes are
going to bleed.
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 03:08:04 -0400
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bruce Ediger) wrote:
>
>> I've never been too fond of "helvetica" (the font) myself. I think it's
>> pretty ugly compared to sublime works like "Block-up" and "Times Roman".
>
>Newsreaders should use only Block-up, Stack, Sinaloa, and Futura Black.
>With a special routine to put the words "Rudi Gernreich" in Braggadocio.
Matt, if you don't stop bragging about having seen every episode of
"Space: 1999", I'm going to tell everyone about your secret obsession with
Ensign Greenbean and Panty Cat.
>> I think Kibo hates helvetica because it was originally named something
>> like "XXX Grotesk Sans-serif".
>
“Giggling like Lloyd Bridges…”
266
“…the Queen controls the international drug trade…”
>It was descended from Akzidenzzsz Grotesk, so-called because they dropped
>all the sketches on the floor and the cat peed on them, thus accidentally
>yielding the most grotesque font ever.
No, no, no.
Old dictionaries define "grotesque" as something like "bold in form and
movement", i.e. graphically stark. "Gothic" is obviously an analog to
"grotesque" from the same era. So when a font is called "grotesk" (the
German spelling) or "gothic" it just means "block letters".
For extra credit, explain why Donald Knuth is a bozo for naming a font
"Computer Modern Sans-Serif". Or I'll tell everyone you like peeking under
the panties to see the cats.
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Re: About Splyglass Technology
1996/05/15
<[email protected]>
Reposted in full from news.admin.net-abuse.misc(!):
In article <[email protected]>, pepe <[email protected]> wrote:
>I´m very interested in software that posses Spyglass Technology. If
>you are user of that technology, you´ll now why. Two o three days ago,
>I was navigating, and causually, I found it: between then, thet are,
>IBM, etc. I found one specially interesting document about Hydrogen
>Orbital than lead my head to one preocupating state of mind.
>
Please, anwser me.
>
God save the Queen!
Could someone please translate this into English?
Date: Mon, 6 May 1996 01:17:21 -0400
-- K.
(I know the Queen controls the international drug trade, but IBM?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>I like Korinna for studying (the American Journal of Neuroradiology uses
>it) but I haven't found a good one for lighter fare. Headhunter was good,
>but there must be something better out there.
Eww. You probably also like ITC Benguiat and ITC Souvenir and ITC Benguiat
Gothic.
So neuroradiology journals have an Art Noveau look? (Cinefex uses
Benguiat, so there must be some connection between digital film effects
and neuroradiology.)
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 06:05:09 -0400
>Send me a copy of your brain MRI and I will have it analyzed by someone
>who knows something about film effects.
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 05:18:46 -0400
Subject: Re: Alien Autopsy Film Really a Sci-Fi Flick From the
70's/UK. Please Help!
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Tjames
>Madison) wrote:
>
>> Kibo can't come to the Usenet right now. He's busy watching MAROONED
>> starring Gregory Peck, James Franciscus and David Janssen, which is sort
>> of APOLLO 13 made way before they had the sort of special effects
>> possible to make stuff like space capsules look real, and not like the
>> Royal Room of your neighborhood bowling alley
>
>The best thing about MAROONED is the strangely choppy continuity. Like,
>how Gene Hackman has the ability to teleport. Also the scene with the
>butterfingers Soviet guy who fails to catch the tumbling guy. "I'll
>save you!... Whoops! Better luck next time."
>
>COUNTDOWN makes more sense, but has the disadvantage that nothing happens
>in it.
Solarization, interpositives, bipacks, done 'em... in my pants.
>We'll be famous!! A QuickTime
>(tm) Video of a thought process during a functional scan would be even
>better!
*yawn* QuickTime is for losers. QuickTime VR, on the other hand...
is so awesomely useful that it should be the OS of mainframes everywhere.
It can do ANYTHING. No, wait, that's exactly wrong.
>We'll probably need some actual tissue to provide correlation. Most
>people can function with only one temporal lobe, so no problem! I
>recommend you hold on to both frontal lobes, however. Release of
>inhibitions can provide unwelcome side effects.
S'ok, I can get another Wernicke's Area at Jiffy Lobe.
(Crow T. Robot: "Eww, you can see Wernicke's whole area!")
>I now must research these fonts you have mentioned. Do not denigrate
>Korinna until you have tried to slog through the Methods portion of one of
>those articles in AJNR. And what do you recommend for lighter reading and
>writing?
For reading lighters, try the new Cricket disposables with the words "I'M
SO COOL!" printed all over them in fluorescent beige Korinna Kursiv. Don't
make me do the "which envelope is the lighter and which is the heavier?"
parlor trick.
-- K.
WANNA SEE MY PRIDE & JOY?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And what's wrong with STRANDED IN SPACE, TRAPPED IN SPACE, and STARFLIGHT
ONE: THE PLANE THAT COULDN'T LAND?
The first teaches us that Commies, who rule the Other Earth, always drive
Chryslers.
The second one teaches us that your face will explode out through your
space helmet if you snag your spacesuit on the chain-link fence that
surrounds your spaceship. This raping of Arthur C. Clarke's "Breaking
Strain" is one of those examples of something good being crushed by
idiots, as if Steinbeck's Lenny character had a chance to pet Clarke's
manuscript.
The third one teaches you that when your space shuttle needs to be
evacuated, you should go down the stairs to the docking tube. Every time
Lee Majors went into the ship's brick stairwell, I got the space giggles.
I also forgot to mention THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON, in which the Bermuda
Triangle is discovered behind the Moon, where the Devil lives, or THE DARK
SIDE OF THE MOON, a "Six Million Dollar Man" two-parter in which a mad
scientist blows the Moon out of Earth orbit while the astronauts are
exploring an elliptical photomontage of Mars, or MOONTRAP, in vich Valtir
Kinig mits miny ivil ribits on thi Min.
I also also forgot PROJECT: GENESIS, which required two viewings before
Matt and I determined that the ball of twigs and mud was meant to be a
spaceship model. And the last episode of GALACTICA: 1980, in which
Starbuck crashes his cardboard box and marries the Universe and she gives
birth to Dr. Zee and/or Dr. Zed. (In England, CONQUEST OF THE EARTH
must've been re-dubbed to switch the two of them.) And STARGATE, which is
just like BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MOVIE only a bigger waste of money.
And I also also also forgot to forget about BUGSY MALONE, which isn't a
science fiction film so it doesn't belong here because if it's not science
fiction it must be good.
-- K.
P.S. Gharlane "Two-Space" Eddore wrote every
episode of "The Starlost", and played Tau Zeta.
“…in my pants.”
267
“Hey, you spelled Ann Rand’s name wrong.”
Date: Thu, 9 May 1996 22:03:54 -0400
Subject: Re: Alien Autopsy Film Really a Sci-Fi Flick From
Date: Mon, 27 May 1996 18:22:38 -0400
Subject: Re: AOL truth (Was: Re: Faces on Mars)
>In article <1996May7.080452.10030@hpal02>, [email protected]
>(Roger Douglas) wrote:
>
>> [email protected] (Matthew J. McIrvin) expostulated:
>>
>> >In article <1996Apr29.134507.9911@hpal02>, [email protected]
>> >(Roger Douglas) wrote:
>>
>> >> My favourite was Dark Star [...]
>>
>> >I liked the sequel, _Alien_. Also the part that was based on _Ubik_.
>>
>> You mean the part where Hal, the computer, goes crazy and tries to
destroy the
>> crew? Yes, that was cool. Karel Capek is my favourite SF writer, too.
>
>The interesting thing is, I wasn't trolling. Not exactly...
>
>_Alien_, like _Dark Star_, was written by Dan O'Bannon, and while it isn't
>really a sequel to _Dark Star_, I've always thought of it as sort of an
>extended version of the sequence in _Dark Star_ in which O'Bannon goes
>chasing after the beanbag. "It was your idea to bring the alien on
>board..."
>
>And I strongly suspect that one scene *is* based on P.K. Dick's _Ubik_
>(*not* the one that is based on Ray Bradbury's "Kaleidoscope"). I'm
>thinking of the bit where they get advice from the dead captain in cold
>storage. O'Bannon, of course, is a huge Phil Dick fan; I think he wrote
>the original version of the _Total Recall_ script.
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (David
>DeLaney) wrote:
>
>> [email protected] (Andrew E Hime) writes:
>
>> Actually, my dad's on Genie. I think. And he can't figure out his email
>> address there, or how to send email to the outer Internet.\
>>
>> Dave "I guess that's as close to 'gone' as we can get, actually" DeLaney
>
>GEnie runs on GECOS. GECOS was the first operating system I ever
>encountered, and GEnie is a direct descendant of the GE time-sharing
>network that my father worked on in the seventies and early eighties.
>
>Whenever I see a description of how to log on to GEnie, with that
>"U#=" prompt, I get a very strange feeling, kind of like meeting someone
>I haven't seen since elementary school.
Actually, it's more likely based on Dick's "What The Dead Men Say", which
became a partial inspiration for "Ubik". (Dick liked to take two or three
stories, change the plots completely, and rewrite them as one novel.)
-- K.
P.S. Genie is actually a pirate copy of the eWorld server.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.alien.visitors,alt.paranet.ufo,alt.conspiracy,
Re: APOLLO MOON CONVERSATIONS SHOW NASA COVERUP
1996/05/07
<[email protected]>
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Okay, kids, it's time to send Matt McIrvin over to alt.folklore.computers
to bring back the story of why the fields in UNIX password files are
called "GECOS fields" because, dammit, someone's gotta do it every year!
alt.feminism,alt.society.neutopia,alt.religion.kibology
Re: ANDREA CHEN: Kamakaze Kook on Krack?
1996/05/05
<[email protected]>
>[email protected] (Alan Bostick) wrote:
>:In article <[email protected]>,
>:> Obssesive/compulsive? What's your guess?
>:> This is one angry, bitter dyke. What do you suppose has made her this way?
>:> (nope, it wasn't me)
>:
>:Are you John Grubor?
>
>What a shameless, bare-faced troll, Alan. Everyone knows that "John Grubor"
>is the name of the Ultimate Alpha Male in Ayn Rand's classic "Atlas Shrugged".
Hey, you spelled Ann Rand's name wrong. She and her late husband, Gene
Roddenberry, would be most displeased.
>You know, everyone was asking Dagny Hultquist "Who is John Grubor?" and until
>John Grubor beat her, she was unable to obtain orgasm. This is the part
>of "Atlas Shrugged" where almost everyone who has had the patience to read
>that far says "Oh, ickk!" and puts it down for good, realizing that Ayn
>Rand was a sick puppy, and that almost everything she wrote was hackneyed
>and repetitious and says the same thing over and over again in the most
>common cliches.
Actually, I think only those who read it all the way through and loved
every minute of it are qualified to comment on whether or not it's any
good. I did all this, and I can truthfully say, either it sucked, or it
was trolling me. Or vice versa.
>Crackpottier wrote:
>>
>> On 3 May 1996, Doug Horne wrote:
>>
>> > Jedidiah Whitten wrote:
>> > : TimothySF ([email protected]) wrote:
>> > : : >I think some people here need to build there vocabulary a
little. Just
>> > : : >my opinion.
>>
>> > : : Shouldn't that read, "I think some people 'hear' need to build there
>> > : : vocabulary a little?
>>
>> > : No, that should read, "I think some people hear need 'too' build there
>> > : vocabulary a little."
>>
>> > "Know, that should reed, "Eye think people here need "two" build
>> > they're vocabulary a little."
>>
>> I checked with my B1FF filter. It says that it should read:
>> I THINK SUM D00DZ HEAR GOTTA BU1LD THEY'RE VOCABULARY A LITTLE,
>>
>
>No, no, no. Pass it through your Kibo filter, and it comes out:
>
>"Eat a few more Mentos."
Yes, but if you pass Mentos, they still come out fresh and minty. But it hurts.
-- K.
You know you're passing Mentos when you see
alt.society.generation-x in your rearview mirror.
(object in mirror are less hip than they wish.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
I TROLLED ANN RAND!!!!
“I TROLLED ANN RAND!”
268
“I WAS KISSING HIM WITH MY FIST!”
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 1996 02:38:34 -0400
Subject: Bad Corporate Slogans Of The World #517
Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology
Date: Fri, 02 Aug 1996 03:54:36 -0500
Subject: Re: Clueless Newbie or Just Trolling?
On some ramen:
>[quoting someone with an ostensibly withered head]
>>
Excuse me, but my brother-in-Law was in that commercial
>> and he is not a giant. he is the same size as we are.
>> They used some kind of trick photography or something.
>> The mountains were added in later.
"SMACK: The Kiss Of Quality"
-- K.
Matt's Little Sister: I WASN'T SMACKING HIM, I
WAS KISSING HIM WITH MY FIST!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: Sat, 27 Apr 1996 00:57:35 -0400
Subject: Re: Bad Corporate Slogans Of The World #517
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (James
>"Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>
>>
Matt's Little Sister: I WASN'T SMACKING HIM, I
>> WAS KISSING HIM WITH MY FIST!!!!
>
>WARNING: JOKE EXPLAINED BELOW:
>
>Technically, the remark to which he is referring wasn't one of my sister's,
>it was invented by an ingenious child of one of my mother's co-workers.
>To wit: "I wasn't stepping on the baby, I was kissing him with my foot."
>Sort of Bil Keane in the Realm of Intermittent Darkness.
The wasn't the joke. The joke was that your little baby sister used to
beat you up a lot.
-- K.
Also you lost every game of "Coke Wins".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.angst,alt.religion.kibology,alt.texas.highplains
alt.dev.null,duh!lookatme,Iamsostupid!
Re: Barely Functional
1996/05/19
<[email protected]>
>Nathen Bridges - a man who seems to believe that others might actually
>be thinking that the "Coors Light" athletic giants might be For Real.
WHAAAAT?
Next you'll tell me the robots on "THE LOST SAUCER" WEREN'T REAL!!!!
I'm gonna SUE YOU AND SID AND MARTY KROFFT FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE
WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
DIE SID & MARTY DIE!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
ncsu.soc,alt.fan.the-Bob,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
Re: Frightening concept.
1996/05/06
<[email protected]>
>Chas (as in Manhattan Bank) ([email protected]) wrote:
>: Which reminds me, I haven't seen a good Whitesnake video in a long time.
>
>Which reminds me, I should put on my Whitesnake t-shirt and go hang out
>at the Hudson Valley Mall.
But watch out for those Troylets. In fact, while in the midstate New York
area, you should go to the only place where you won't find any Troylets:
the Uncle Sam Atrium. Or revive the Albany Choppers and you won't find a
single midstater anywhere around The Vetradome.
Is WTZA-62 still on the air in the Hudson Valley?
-- K.
Born atop the flashing "G.E." logo in Schenectady
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>[email protected] (LawyerBoy 0.001) wrote:
>>[email protected] (Loopy) wrote:
>>
>>>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Richard (R.)
>>>Bown) wrote:
>>>
>>>> St-Jennifer-of-the-Knife ([email protected]) wrote:
>>>> : Dur <[email protected]> wrote:
>>>> : > I just took an online IQ test.
>>>> : I just took an online depression screening test. I kicked ass!
>>>> i just took an online physical endurance test and was
>>>> flattered by the results.
>>>
>>>I just took an online Pap test.
>>
>>I'm constantly amazed at all the handy new peripherals available for personal
>>computers.
>
>
Like the new Logitech Troll-o-meter(c)?
Oh, you don't need a PHYSICAL one, you can use VIRTUAL trolling with new
TrollDoubler! GUARANTEED NOT TO WORK OR NO MONEY BACK!
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
rec.arts.sf.tv,alt.religion.kibology
alt.sex.fetish.seaquest
Re: Gold Monkeys, was Re: who knows these shows
1996/04/02
<[email protected]>
Gharlane of Eddore <[email protected]> wrote:
> In <[email protected]>
> [email protected] (Jeff Wilson) writes:
> >
> > BRRAAAPPPP!!!! (imagine bad game-show sound-effects buzzer here)....
> > Tales of the Gold Monkey was a short-lived US network show starring
> > (I think) Bruce Boxlietner as a cargo-plane pilot in the pacific in
> > the pre-WWII era. It a desperate and very unsuccessful attempt to
> > creat an Indiana-Jones type show.
> >
> > C.J. "I know WAAAY to much trivia" Wilson
> >
>
> You don't know *NEARLY* enough trivia, lad.
> (A) It's spelled "Bruce Boxleitner."
> (B) The star of "TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY" was Stephen Collins.
>
(Also Kathleen Heaney/Caitlin O'Heany, and Roddy MacDowell,
(1) It's spelled 'Roddy McDowall'.
Did you know that he was a successful movie producer as a teenager?
This was a few years after he was the _original_ kid to be paired with Lassie.
>
>
>
>
the latter in the most perfect role ever written, the
Frenchman who's been everywhere and done everything,
"Bon Chance Louis.")
Sample lines:
“…VIRTUAL trolling with new TrollDoubler!”
269
“…just TWO STUPID HYPHENS!”
>
>
>
>
>
(1) "Ah. A Viking Funeral.
I have not seen ze Viking Funeral
since Fort Zinderneuf."
(2) (About Malory's death in a climbing accident near Everest)
"Ah, yes, I blame myzelf. If I had only insisted on tying
the knots myzelf, 'e might ztill be wizz us."
(2) The top level of the outline is supposed to be the numbers, and the
second level the letters. Also, you used decimal, and I'm using base
twelve, the radix of the future! All hail the magical digits dek and el!
>
>
>
>
The show was neither desperate nor unsuccessful; it was, rather,
overproduced without the planning lead necessary to produce such
a show economically, and thus too expensive to justify, given its
ratings, and dearth of original script ideas.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity
Date: Sat, 4 May 1996 04:08:59 -0400
Subject: HEY THIS SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!11
I BOUGHT A CD-ROM WITH NEARLY lOO DIRTY RATED XXX PICTURES ON IT BUT A
COUPLE OF THEM WERE ONLY X AND 1 WAS XXXX !!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!11 WHAT I WANT
TO KNOW IS WHO EVER CAN I SUE TO GET MY VIRIGNITY BACK ????????/// PLEASE
REPLY BY POSTINF PUBLICLY BECAUSE I NEED TO NO AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO I
CAN GET IT IN TIME TO GET IT IF YOU NO WHAT I MEAN GUYS !!!!!!!!!!!1 HAR
HAR HAR
KIBIFF AKA K1B0 THE INCREDIBLY WONDERFULLY NEATO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(3) Don't bother pointing out that I put the period outside the quotes
around 'McDowall'. It certainly would have gone inside had I been
quoting someone, but when referring to a word I'm one of those
typographical heretics who uses single quotes with the punctuation
outside, which is handy when you're quoting someone taking about grammar.
Date: Sat, 15 Jun 1996 00:35:51 -0400
Subject: I have a red pencilbox.
(4) I'm more pedantic than you.
OKAY, HERE'S THE NEW ADVERTISING IDEA FOR BAD PEOPLE.
are.
Open on shot of Joe Don Baker and Brian Dennehy standing on rocks.
-- K.
(5) Also there shouldn't be
a space after the em dash here,
but that's not really an em dash,
just TWO STUPID HYPHENS!!!!
Brian: "This is the world's first twelve-hour commercial..."
Joe Don: "Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!
Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh! Duh!" (goes on for twelve hours)
-- K.
(it did! it did!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:21:38 -0400
Subject: Re: Have you seen your double?
>
>At various ages I have been stated to look exactly like:
>
>(1) Ricky Schroeder
>(2) Larry Bird
>(3) Some guy at UVa who was actually repeatedly mistaken for me
Me?
(1) John Lennon
(2) Tom Cruise
I am not making this up. Frankly, I'm not as good-looking as either...
But at least *I* can act my way out of a paper bag.
-- K.
P.S. Matt has the hair of all five of the
Three Stooges... combined.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 00:12:56 -0400
Subject: Re: Have you seen your double?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: I kind of know John
1996/05/08
<[email protected]>
alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology
In alt.tv.seaquest article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
>I know this is a long stream but my Grandmother's Neighbor's Daughter
hung out and party with John Brandis in Florida while he was
>filming. If you cared
That's nothing. Mr. Brandis has a Jewish university named after him in
Waltham, Massachusetts. The Boston Celtics practice in the gym there. It
has nine squash courts, two of which are international!
-- K.
MAN THAT'S BIG SQUASH.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.voyeurism,
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.amateur.female,
alt.sex.exhibitionism,alt.binaries.pictures.girlfriends
Followup-To: alt.i.am.a.pathetic.loser.who.doesnt.know.how.to.edit.headers
Reply-To:
[email protected]
Subject:
Re: <=====I'M da ORIGINAL BADBOY !!!!!!!!
From:
Date:
1996/05/08
In alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.*, [email protected] (da BadBoy) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (James
>"Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>
>> Me?
>> (1) John Lennon
>> (2) Tom Cruise
>> I am not making this up. Frankly, I'm not as good-looking as either...
>> But at least *I* can act my way out of a paper bag.
>
>He actually looks exactly like that "rapping" Abraham Lincoln impersonator
>who used to be in the local ads for a special on connecting cable TV.
>i been noticin' lotsa posters using some derivative of me name, "da BadBoy".
>das cool, but but rememba me is da ORIGINAL! those who know me, knows who i
am!
>I POST NO ADS - and nor do i fuck up womens's faces by erasin' their
features.
>so, if u want the ORIGINAL - i be him!
>da BadBoy
>
>btw, ask LadyT if need be
The weird thing is that he's not making this up, and I've done the act for him.
BIFF, U B 2 K00L 4 ME, H0ME-D00D !!!1
-- K.
Holy socks, BIFF has learned to turn off Caps Lock!
-- K.
AND he's made great advances in CMOS technology by
inventing the "and nor" gate!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
“MAN THAT’S BIG SQUASH.”
270
“…Mom is Wow upside down…”
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Jonathan Brandis
1996/04/25
<[email protected]>
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 04:37:52 -0400
Subject: Re: Kibo R U out there?
In article <[email protected]>, <> wrote:
[alt.tv.seaquest]
In article <[email protected]>, A shizophrenic never
drinks alone <[email protected]> wrote:
>Is Brandis still on the show? Is the show still on? I used
>to watch it, but lost interest for a while... just wondering.
>Thanks
>Kibo I have heard alot about you, and you sound very
>interesting. Where do you reside? What do you think about
>WOW? Can you answer this, or is this just a waste of time.
>
>
Thanx,
>
Im4NORML
It's still on, but they changed its title to "Viper 2005".
Oh my word. Compuserve's "WOW!" service gets alt.religion.kibology.
-- K.
Also, they replaced Roy Scheider with Michael O'Hare.
Is it true that they have a big section of "dirty, dirty GIFs" which
consist entirely of frame-grabs of the "before" shirt in the Era Plus ads?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------HEY KIDS! Did you know that Mom is Wow upside down?
Newsgroups:
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.bonehead.john-Grubor,alt.religion.kibology,
alt.folklore.computers,alt.sex
Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks,rec.pets.ididntreadthenewsgroupsline
Subject:
Re: KIBO is Overruled by GRUBOR
From:
Date:
1996/05/30
>[Newsgroups trimmed considerably.]
>
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
>
>> Yes, I can grep like KIBO, so that is fine -- KIBO is replaced
>
>Mere mortal! *Nobody* can grep like Kibo! (Not even Kibo. That's part of
>the mystery.)
One does not grep *like* Kibo. One greps *as* Kibo. This one, anywho.
All right, class, time for the next diction lesson:
Tyewne intyew Tyewsday's nyews!
Naaaancy, haaaand the maaaan the daaaandy caaaandy.
Slipper sleds slide slowly down the sluiceway.
Hitler was coolest guy who--hey, who's been writing in my Teacher's Edition?
>[snip]
>
>> The *people* are now taking control, and the newsadministrators
>> are not in charge any more. They were too incompetent to
>> handle the task, and the People are MUCH beter educated.
>
>Bwahahahahaha! Say it ain't so. The People can't even make their frigging
>Windows machines speak PPP. Wait till they're confronted with configuring
>INN and C News. Or do those things run by themselves?
Why use C News when you can just use Pascal news? Pascal is just like C
only much more powerful, because it has built-in turtle graphics!
C doesn't even have PEEK and POKE.
>And stop replying to yourself, John. It isn't healthy. People will think
>you're schizophrenic. (Whoops, too late. . .)
>
>Heywood
This petty bickering is pointless, unless you give me a dollar NOW.
-- K.
P.S. I'm posting this from my 1024-processor
massively parallel PDA. It fits in a tiny
four-dimensional pocket in my pants.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
¡XeTú!
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.joel-furr,alt.culture.usenet
Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 01:35:57 -0400
Subject: Re: Kibology and its kooky kast of kharcters
In article <7/Tkx0zTP/[email protected]>,
>[email protected] (Lee S. Bumgarner) wrote:
>>something I've noticed: Kibology has WON the age old battle with the
>>Legion of Furr. Just check out the different in the number of posts (sans my
>>own) between a.r.k and alt.fan.joel-furr. Hahahahahahahaah We Win!
>
>
But does Kibo have "Green Card Lawyer T-shirts" for sale?
I have "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts, except no matter who's wearing them,
the arrow always points at God. It's a serious, reverent form of religion,
much like "Batman".
-- K.
I'M BATMAN!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.angst
Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 23:45:49 -0400
Subject: Re: Mildly Disturbing Event Of Not So Recent Days
>cosmic conceiver "K.M. Mennie" <[email protected]> spewed:
>| In article <[email protected]>,
>| Francesco Benvenuto <[email protected]> wrote:
>| :I hate to follow up to an article by one of the two or three posters of ARK
>| :that do not like me (another being Kia Mennie), but I just have to say:
>|
>| Don't say that, or it'll come true!
>|
>|
>|
- Kia
>|
the `M' stands for `malice'
>
>Are you TRYING to be Kibo?
It's very trying to be Kibo. Especially since idiots keep telling you they
like your posts.
Hey, if I wanted people to like my posts, I'd put pointed barbs in them.
And in my posts.
-- K.
Everywhere devout Kibologists are grinding their knuckles
into their foreheads while slowly chanting,
"Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Uh?"
Get over it! Don't like me! Don't appreciate my posts!
You'll only encourage me! But I still like the _groupies_.
The K stands for "Kresge".
“…give me a dollar NOW.”
271
“You spelled your name wrong.”
Date: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 00:17:07 -0400
Subject: Re: my syquest disk names
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (j.serdy) wrote:
>Earlier, though, I remember being distinctly annoyed with the one at my
>elementary school, a megalomaniac who kept organizing massive evening
>gymnastics extravaganzas and forcing all students to perform in them,
>sacrificing all afterschool activities in order to rehearse. (A few of us
>knew the secret: if you just flatly refused, technically and legally,
>there was nothing she could do.)
What if she refused to let you refuse? She could, you know.
country. This means she could kiss you with her foot!!!
>names of all my syquest disks:
>
>Scary 1
>Scary 2
>Scary 4
>Scary 7
>Emergency
>Not
>Recent Archives
>Communicology
>Gifs and Stacks
>More Images
>Internet Images
>Internet 2
>More Stuff Backup
>Binkley Backup
>GEnie Posterity Archives
>Rohm and Haas 23
>
>all disks 44 meg mac format, and mostly full
It's a free
>If there was any kind of dramatic presentation being put on by some class,
>she'd insist on shoehorning in a segment between acts where all the
>characters go to the disco and a bunch of people perform gymnastics. At
>the opening of the segment, she'd get on stage and announce to the
>audience in a bellowing voice: "OK, this is the part of the play where
>everyone goes to the disco, and they see people performing gymnastics."
Stop plagiarizing "Yogi's Space Race", the thrilling Al Bradley movie.
Matt could explain this, but I think it's Gharlane's turn to enlighten
those who are not worldly in the ways of Al Bradley.
>Later on (after my time), I heard that she put on an all-gymnastic
>version of "Peter Pan," held outside on the playground blacktop, with
>the characters represented by people wearing jackets emblazoned with
>their characters' names.
And Clint Eastwood as THE MAN WITH NO JACKET!
You know, you could replace all of those with one dual-mode HFS/ISO CD-ROM
named "Untitled".
By the way, if you have Hypercard stacks AND GEnie stuff, be sure not to
let the two collide--they could spontaneously produce The Pathetic Virus.
TPV has recently jumped cross-platform--it also infects PC Paintbrush.
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups:
Re: Never let them see you sweat: the politics of showers
1996/04/25
<[email protected]>
>Dodgeball just taught me how to get lightly grazed by the ball as quickly
You spelled "greased" wrong.
>as possible. Kind of like shooting yourself in the foot to get off
>[he meant to put in an exclamantion point here]
>of the
>front
>lines.
-- K.
P.S. You spelled your name wrong.
-- K!
No longer K. but K!.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
Re: NEW VIRUS ALERT - PLEASE READ (and repost!)
1996/05/05
<[email protected]>
In alt.usenet.kooks article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] (mundaka) wrote:
>Interesting that of the groups that got spammed, the origional poster
>(not Mr. Bizzetti) included alt.usenet.kooks, alt usage.english,
>and alt.surfing. Why have I bothered to notice this small detail? For
>another small detail, I'm afraid: The word kook is an English
>corruption of a similar sounding Hawaiian word that means "shit".
>During the middle of this century a canyon near the point at Malibu was
>used by surfers to do their business, and it was quickly named
>"kiukai canyon" by surfers returning from Hawaii. (Well, something
>close to that anyway.) Lame surfers were banished to said canyon,
>forever to be labled as "kooks".
Actually, someone on alt.folklore.trolling told me it stands for FOR
UNLAWFUL CARNAL KNOWLEDGE IN BULLSHIT OUT STARBOARD HOME. And they
wouldn't lie because the Usenet is transmitted over cable TV and it's a
FEDERAL CRIME to LIE on TV!!!
I just wish someone would tell me what UNIX stands for. I know about NBC
and CBS, but what about FOX?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- K.
Newsgroups:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
alt.society.generation-X,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Never let them see you sweat: the politics of showers
1996/04/27
<[email protected]>
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bruce Ediger) wrote:
>
>> We didn't have repressed lesbians in my neck of the woods - we had sadistic,
>> Korean-war-vintage, ex Drill Instructors. There's still at least 2 "physical
>> education" instructors I'd kill if I thought I could get away with it.
>
>Most of the ones at my junior high school, while they had a poor grasp of
>the class schedule or the necessity of personal hygiene, were basically
>good-natured oafs who sort of stood around and chatted with students while
>hideous beatings went on about ten feet away. I liked it when I got the
>drill-instructor types, because they could actually control the kids who
>should have had POOR IMPULSE CONTROL tattooed on their foreheads.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity,alt.cats.meow.meow.meow
Date: Thu, 9 May 1996 22:06:35 -0400
Subject: Re: Phunny Phone Phollies
>
Anyone ever set their multiple account .forward files into a loop?
Doesn't work. Normal mail-daemons bounce mail after it makes 15 hops; try
the .forward trick and watch, it should come back to you once the headers
get too long.
-- K.
I do it EVERY DAY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wish you people would stop talking about our friend Gharlane. And he
wasn't a drill instructor, he was a Navy Seal and X-15 test pilot.
“…but what about FOX?”
272
“Acrobat… can read Quark’s driver files.”
>I HOPE THAT YOU KNOW THAT Q-ZAR SUCKS !!!!
>
>WHO CARES WHAT YOUR RANK IS. PLAY A REAL LASER GAME AND THEN TALK ALL YOU
>WANT.
>
>
>IT'S ALWAYS BETTER IN THE ZONE!!!!
> I take it Turner's outfit had a last-minute stroke of good sense....
I don't know; after all, she did do that series of "V.I. Warshawski" movies.
"I.I.I. Warshawski: Revenge Of Warshawski" was the only good one, although
the plans for "I.X. Warshawski: The Final Warshawski" look enticing.
DA
TA
CO
What bothers me about Laser Tag is that nobody ever wears eye protection,
even though all those guns use REAL lasers--you know they've got to be
real or they wouldn't be able to KILL anybody! WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN!
> > The SciFi Channel announced today that it will air all 59 episodes
> > of SeaQuest, beginning this fall.
M
In alt.sport.lasertag, [email protected] (CCajoleas) wrote:
alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.tv
beable beable beable beable beable
Re: SeaQuest on SciFi Channel
1996/05/19
<[email protected]>
P
Newsgroups:
Reply-To:
Followup-To:
Subject:
From:
Date:
Message-Id:
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sport.lasertag,alt.survival
Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 03:15:45 -0400
Subject: Re: Q-Zar (Beware has trash talk)
-- K.
OR IF YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS A WOMAN WRITE HER TOO!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 05:41:10 -0400
Subject: Re: Roswell? huh?
News from the world of television:
My roommate and I have completed secret plans for the revival of
"Space:1999" we've been hired by Gerry Anderson to develop. It's about the
bigwig generals at NASA putting big warp engines on the Earth and flying
it around the big galaxy to blow up the evil "Bumpheads". (The species is
actually named "the P't'k'b'd'g" but "Bumpheads" is just a clever
derogatory term based on our realistic makeup design.) Our working title
for the big series has changed from "U.F.O.3." or "Space:19992" to:
E A R T H , T O O !
In article <[email protected]>, John <[email protected]> wrote:
>Marc Behr wrote:
>>
>> I think Roswell is very interesting.
>> There can be no doubts that something crashed there because the Airforce
>> gave three different statements (UFO, Ballon, Mongol-Project) ==>
>> something crashed there - what?
>
>Hey, it was explained already...it was Quark!
E
You can keep Quark from crashing by installing the 3.32r2 updater, but
keep in mind that first you have to swear on a stack of Holy Bibles that
you're only going to use the software for good, and NEVER FOR EVIL.
M
Also remember that Adobe Acrobat Reader Amber Alpha can read Quark's
output device driver files. <-- not worth explaining nonexistant joke
-- K.
I use DTP for EVIL in a PROFESSIONAL CAPACITY.
"Earth, Too!" will star Keir Dullea in the big Martin Landau/Ed Bishop
role. The costumes will be designed by some insane northern European (to
be announced) and will feature a theme of big superelliptical holes. The
sets will be speclially designed, decorated, and lit to make it easier to
compress the footage onto Phillips(R) CD-i disc.
This big project, set in the distant year of 2000, should begin airing in
two years or so, after production of our big epic theatrical motion
picture, "Science Fiction Theater: The Motion Picture", starring the late
Truman Capote as Milton Bradley, discoverer of the twistor. It'll be
BIGGER THAN BIG AND BETTER THAN GOOD!
We're also restoring the missing apostrophe to our new "Blakes' 7"
spinoff, as yet untitled, to star Philip Michael Thomas (Blake) and Adam
Baldwin (Avon). It will air as a Fox TV-movie during the next writers'
strike. John Debney will rewrite the theme music JUST TO SUIT OUR NEEDS!
After that, we'll be premiering our innovative NEW series, which is just
like "Absolutely Fabulous"--there's NEVER before been an American show
inspired by it! It stars Sally Kellerman and Jayne Smith (Nicole Kidman's
less talented stand-in).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CO
Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 01:46:45 -0400
Subject: Re: seaQuest computers!
[seen in alt.tv.seaquest]
And, of course, all this time we'll be honing our masterpiece--a
THREE-HOUR movie based on ALL 1,700 "Perry Rhodan" magabooks! Ennio
Morricone has agreed to record the theme music on a specially-built slide
whistle. The costumes will be made entirely out of the superillipses that
were cut out of the other ones. It will be set in Canada, but filmed
somewhere that's much cheaper. It would be great if this could be only
half as good as the books!
-- K.
P.S. Also, I think it's really
they finally revived "Mission:
Why didn't they ever revive it
It would be _impossible_ to do
In article <[email protected]>, Ckmak & Duncan Mak
W
EL
>Hi! Questies,
>
>What kind of computer systems does seaQuest use? I think the monitors and
>keyboards are from Datalux(http://www.datalux.com), am i right?
>
>Are there anyone working on a seaQuest theme(for Win95), i know seaQuest is
>cancelled, but i still think there are Questies who still LOVE sQ.
>
>Duncan
Folks, I just don't have the heart. But maybe someone should volunteer to
do a Windows 95 suite of seaQuest stuff, complete with bad crayon art of
the magical talking dolphin (and the stick holding him up.)
-- K.
(I've seen a great shareware Mac game--"T.V. 2.0 Technicolor"--where the
object is to select the proper TV shows so as not to die. If you try to
watch seaQuest, it displays a little drawing of Tim Meadows in his
seaQuest shirt, captioned, "You picked seaQuest? You're a NERD!")
cool that
Impossible".
before?
a bad revival of it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date:
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Mon, 1 Apr 1996 02:27:43 -0500
Sigh.
Today I got a new newsreader with massively powerful killfiles,
selectfiles, and scorefiles.
I set it up just the way I wanted, to exclude everything I was sick of,
and it killed every article in every group.
At last I've found a newsreader that works!
P.S. Also it runs under GEOS on my TI-30.
-- K.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You picked seaQuest? You’re a NERD!”
273
“…get out of my killfile.”
Date:
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Wed, 15 May 1996 00:37:39 -0400
Re: Technical Question For Kibo
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Jaffo) wrote:
>I don't have my catalog with me.
>Harrier?
How many Kibo points do I need for the
Actually, according to my newsreader, you need another 1000 to get into my
selectfile, or just 500 to get out of my killfile.
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date:
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Wed, 10 Jul 1996 02:12:08 -0500
Re: WATCHING TV INSTEAD OF BEING THE LIVE
>RON MURILLO <[email protected]> wrote:
>>SPECTRE, GENESIS 2, MAGMA 1 among them ). I wonder if she intends to
>
[...]
>>Anyone know if those QUESTOR scripts are still floating around
>>Lincoln Enterprises and Script City?
>
>SPECTRE, GENESIS 2, MAGMA 1, QUESTOR: all of these feature that weird
>twelve-wheeled (4 triangles of wheels), torpedo-shaped winnebago,
>AND they all featured John Saxon!
Also "The Wizard Of Speed And Time", "Get A Life: Paperboy 2000", and
"Damnation Alley". The "stupid-ass Damnation Alley thing", as it's known in
Hollywood, is cheap to rent. I hear it's getting its own sitcom next
season.
>[ Author was joly ([email protected]) ]
>[ Posted on Wed, 03 Jul 1996 06:28:13 GMT ]
>
>WATCHING TV INSTEAD OF BEING THE LIVE
>IN GENERAL,PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO BE IN THE LIVE TO HEAR THE TRUTH
>VOICE,IN FACT, THE DISTANCE FROM WHERE YOU SIT WOULD INFLUENCE THE
>NATURE OF VOICE.
Mr. Dr. Wing,
I'd just like to say I couldn't find anything nearly this entertaining on
the net today.
-- K.
Also, it's starring in another remake of
"The Island Of Dr. Moreau" with
Judd Nelson, Judson Scott, and Naomi Judd.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv,alt.religion.kibology
Followup-To: alt.dev.null-a
Subject: Re: "Questor" Question
Date: Mon, 23 Sep 1996 07:23:02 GMT
You WIN!
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Date:
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.tv,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Followup-To: alt.sex
Subject: Re: "Questor" Question
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 1996 06:47:40 GMT
Sun, 2 Jun 1996 02:35:29 -0400
Re: We have been outdone - a brilliant troll by someone else.
Matt McIrvin wrote:
>The best response to a troll is to be a good sport about it. The proper
>followup to a successful troll is to either (1) stare at the sky and
>whistle or (2) start meta-trolling. (Hey, maybe that's what Sokal's doing
>*now*...)
Uh, Matt, I hate to tell you, but the journal he published his article in...
doesn't exist.
-- K.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.drugs.psychedelic,alt.drugs,
rec.games.computer.doom.misc,alt.tv.seaquest
Followup-To: alt.duh.look.at.me.i.am.stupid
Date:
Wed, 12 Jun 1996 03:47:01 -0400
From:
Subject: Re: YAY DENNIS LEARY IS DEAD!!!
(Christopher Masto) wrote:
>HAY! Did U guyz here that Dennis Leary just died!!!!!!!11
>invented drugs or something!!
>RON MURILLO <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>> SPECTRE, GENESIS 2, MAGMA 1 among them ). I wonder if she intends to
>>
[...]
>> Anyone know if those QUESTOR scripts are still floating around
>> Lincoln Enterprises and Script City?
>>
>
>In <[email protected]> [email protected] (Bruce Ediger) writes:
>>
>> SPECTRE, GENESIS 2, MAGMA 1, QUESTOR: all of these feature that weird
>> twelve-wheeled (4 triangles of wheels), torpedo-shaped winnebago,
>> AND they all featured John Saxon!
>
>John Saxon played the lead in "THE PIANO," "GREEN CARD,"
>"GHOST," "HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT," and "A SUDDEN FROST;"
>and performed creditably in a lead role in one of the Bruce Lee
>kung-fu movies as well.
Don't forget that he played a mean guy named "Ham" in
"V: The Series: Year Two", Gerry Anderson's best series ever.
-- K.
I could make a funny funny pun
about "saxonfungus" but nobody would
get it except me. Therefore, I win!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think he
That's nothing! Did you hear? Jean Roddenberry just died!
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing like dancing robot warriors to liven
up a Mexican game show & soap opera.
“saxonfungus”
274
“I have… all ten episodes of ‘Galactica 1980’…”
Subject: Re: .sig check!
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 09:34:07 GMT
Subject: Re: 78-Shuttle launches on 1 tape
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 1996 07:48:26 GMT
[email protected] (joseph richard koleszar) wrote:
In sci.space.shuttle, William Hartenstein <[email protected]> wrote:
>Louis Nick III <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>->>"Bernie had difficulty thinking about breasts, due to a rare
>>genetic disorder that made him a research scientist."
>>
-James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]>
>>===Louis Nick III
alt.religion.louis-nick
[email protected]===
>>
>
>Nope. There's no check in _this_ .sig!
Yes, but at least he put angle brackets around the email address of the
sane person.
>I'm offering a Tape either VHS or PAL with all 78 shuttle launches and
>landings on 1 T-160 tape. Extra's include president Reagan clearing the
>747/Challenger for takeoff and flyby on 4th of July after STS-4 landing.
>Replays of 51L launch and video from MCC. A Flight readiness firing of 3
>main engines,41D abort, Delta 178 blowup, 747/shuttle landing at KSC, In
>cabin video of STS-65 & STS78 launch and landing.
> All launches start about T-31 seconds and continue until just after
>SRB's Sep. Landings start at about 6,000 ft and stops after wheels
>stopped.
Would now be a good time to brag that I have a tape containing all ten
episodes of "Galactica 1980", and it's so valuable that I could not
possibly offer it for sale for less than $10,000?
I also have a cassette with every episode of "Doctor Who", edited down
slightly.
I remember back in the early eighties, under the MTS operating system (if
it can be called that), there was a text-processing system, *TEXTFORM (the
asterisk was the directory name) which used a markup language where all
tags were enclosed in <angle brackets>. How primitive.
-- K.
<personally, I use Dirac notation.>
<and that makes me as smart as Jack Sarfatti.>
Subject: Re: 4 column .sig limit
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 06:37:23 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Paul A
Sturm) wrote:
>what if I post in landscape instead of portrait? Then would I have a 4
>column .sig limit, as opposed to the normal 4 line limit? Let's have a
>look...
That's not landscape, that's transverse.
-- K.
ALSO I OWN ALL BROADCAST RIGHTS
TO THE FOURTH SEASON OF SEAQUEST!
MARK MY WORDS IT'LL BE A HIT SOON!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.binaries.erotica.fetish,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: 8 HOUR ERECTION....
Date: Mon, 23 Sep 1996 06:34:24 GMT
In alt.binaries.erotica.fetish, [email protected] (Tiffany ) wrote:
>FAT BOB shoots videos for SEX CIRCUS Online (sexcircus.com). He is 51
>years old, over weight, and rather a plain person but he can keep an
>erection for up to 10 hours.
Oh, I get it, girls love sleeping with ugly folks as long as they never
climax. It's a lot like using a dildo with an ugly guy glued to it.
-- K.
I can't wait to pick up chicks by telling them
that I can only have sex in ten-hour sessions!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Landscape is
+-------+
|Text Te| --> text goes this way
|xt Text|
+-------+
(page turns sideways but not the text)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.conspiracy,alt.alien.visitors,
alt.sci.physics.new-theories
Subject: A DIRE WARNING ABOUT STUFF!!!
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 07:34:26 GMT
and transverse is
+-------+ |
|xTTe xT| |
|te xTte| v text goes this way
+-------+
(page AND text both turn sideways)
HEY YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU GET A SUPERMARKET CASHIER WHO GETS REAL
INTERESTED IN THE STUFF YOU BUY AND ASKS YOU ABOUT THE NEW KIND OF CHICKEN
NUGGETS YOU'VE GOT AND THE HUMMUS AND WHETHER YOU LIKE THOSE CHEAP PAPER
TOWELS? WELL THEY WORK FOR THE CIA!!!! IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR
GROCERIES JUST SAY "THEY'RE NOT FOR ME, THEY'RE FOR MY MOM!!!"
This is a crucial distinction to draw if you have a roll-fed imagesetter.
Printing an 8.5x11" portrait page in transverse mode uses 8.5" of film
instead of 11". Printing the same page in landscape mode would cut off the
bottom two and a half inches.
-- K.
I'M NOT USING THE CAPS LOCK KEY TO TYPE
THIS, IT JUST MAKES IT HARDER!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We do this all the time at work.
-- K.
Don't go there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.food.cooking,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: a dumb question for smart people
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 1996 09:18:49 GMT
Know that juice that comes out when you thaw the turkey?
Is there an easier way to make that? Or can you just buy it somewhere?
I need at least a gallon a day!!!
-- K.
Also, why do they call it "stuffing"?
“M. Scott Ramming is a bozo.”
275
“Nixon’s face”
Subject: Re: A fantastic alternative ?
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 1996 02:53:42 GMT
The sick part is that in Germany, it takes so long to dial all
the digits for phone sex that it counts as foreplay.
(Craftplace) wrote:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Are you thinking of sending fresh flowers ?. How about a fantastic
>alternative !. Come and
>visit us at Authentic Country Creations On Line. We have wreaths, swags,
>plaques, crafts,
>dried flowers, Etc. And fast delivery !. When you send a Authentic Country
>Creations Gift
>you are sending a keepsake that will last for years. Come and take a look
>and discover a
>fantastic alternative to sending fresh flowers
Oh, boy, just what I needed, a sculpture of Nixon's face made out of used
pantyhose.
-- K.
(I suppose _used_ pantyhose increases
the value for some buyers, esp. in Japan.)
Subject: a lame joke
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 08:18:43 GMT
Matt McIrvin will now write the first half.
"No, it's 'B', I said 'antipenultimate'."
-- K.
How do you say IPIOF auf Deutsch?
Subject: Re: AD&D-inspired dialogue
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 07:41:48 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Hong Ooi)
wrote:
>The other day I went for a walk in the bush around my place. This, along
>with the three Dungeons & Dragons campaigns I'm taking part in at the
>moment, inspired the following. This is the part of my ongoing struggle
>to have pizza and caffeine recognised as the only mind-enhancing
>substances you REALLY need.
Hey, here's an idea: let's cut government waste by having all old people
made into AD&D characters!
-- K.
I won't say where I got the idea. I'll just
say it's completely abunoriginal.
Subject: ANOTHER DUMB DREAM!
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 08:17:28 GMT
Another rotten nightmare brought on by too many local TV
commercials. Soon I'm going to start dreaming about Ovaltine...
-- K.
Subject: Re: a simulated hacking game?
Date: Sat, 26 Oct 1996 06:03:45 GMT
In a K00L newsgroup, "Richie Wing" <[email protected]> wrote:
>Hey I was once at the hacker movie homepage and they had a contest with a
>hacking game you had to win I did it in about 3 hours it was real easy I
>mean that fast and the only thing I have ever hacked so far but it really
>helps if you see the movie some of the passwords are really easy and some
>you can just skip but I went back and it isn't there anymore.
...The End.
-- K.
It's like a Penny cartoon, only
I'm Pee-wee Herman. Hey, wait, I am!
Subject: Re: >>> ACHTUNG ! SPERRGEBIET !
PISS MIR INS MAUL ! <<<
Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 06:30:35 GMT
(Markus Mordechai FATALIN) wrote:
>Telefonvergnügung der besonderen Art !
>
>>>> ACHTUNG ! SPERRGEBIET !
PISS MIR INS MAUL ! <<<
>
>Telefonvergnügung der besonderen Art !
>
>Piss mir ins Maul du SAU!
00 852 900 900 32 824
>
>Alle Löcher gehören dir, MEISTER!
00 852 900 900 32 825
>
>*** keine Kreditkarten nötig !!! Nur DM 1,20 phm ***
>
>FICK mich bis ich PLATZE!
001 758 459 9691
Last night I dreamed I was the maitre d' at a Renaissance Faire
themed restaurant, and I had to dress like Merlin. Also all the
celery in the restaurant had devolved and contained no chlorophyll
and had joints.
-- K.
You know, like those 'horsetail' bulrushes the
three-foot dragonflies liked in the
Jurassic era. We had them in Schenectady.
Subject: Re: ATTN JMS: Muslims on B5
Date: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 04:06:05 GMT
In rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated, [email protected]
>Since the station is rotating once a minute, unless the long axis of
>the station happens to be pointing in the direction of Earth, the
>Pointer-To-Mecca will be rotating once a minute.
>
>Consequently, there'd have to be small platforms, rotating against
>the station, where they could put down their prayer rugs.
If the
>direction to Earth is a steep angle off the station axis, the plane
>of rotation of the platforms would have to change with respect to
>the interior of the station, too. (And since, during 1/2 of the
>rotation, the platforms would be "upside down" with respect to
>station "gravity," they'll need some straps or handles, and maybe
>Velcro(tm) retainers for the prayer rugs....
>
>[...]
>Of course, by 2258, Kibology may be the only really formalized
>surviving Terran religion.
Uh oh. I believe that, by reposting Mr. O'Eddore's words to
alt.religion.kibology, I may accidentally incite a jihad against him on the
part of all the devout Muslims on alt.religion.kibology.
Please, folks, no fatwahs, only jihads. They're cooler because Jonny
Quest's sidekick was named Jihad.
“I Peed In Old Faithful.”
-- K.
276
“Everything shakes from left to right.”
Subject: Re: ATTN JMS: Muslims on B5
Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 10:28:47 GMT
Subject: Re: BIG BUCKS ! (NO BRAINS !!!!)
Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 07:41:22 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bill Marcum)
wrote:
A rec.hunting.dogs article to which I saw a pointer in
news.admin.net-abuse.misc.
>So, didn't you like the TV series "Jake And The Fatwah"?
>Or "Fatwah Knows Best"?
In article <[email protected]>, Bob Ritchie <[email protected]> wrote:
(June Foray voice:)
FRANKENSTEIN JUNIOR, SUPER-KILLFILE HIM WITH YOUR SUPER-*PLONK* SOLAR BEAM!!!
(Paul Frees talking into a cardboard tube:
YES, MASTER.
(Kibo holds his two arms straight outwards in a crucifix pose, makes two
fists, and wacks them together without bending his elbows.)
*** PLONK ***
(Everything shakes from left to right.)
-- K.
FRANKIE, ZAP THE POST BUTTON WITH
YOUR SUPER FOLLOWUP FORCE FIELD!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Alan J. Ritton wrote:
>>
>> TAKE ONLY 5 MINUTES TO READ THIS AND YOU'LL TURN $5 INTO $50,OOO
>> IN ONLY ONE MONTH!!!!!
>>
>> <<<<<<<<<<NO CATCHES>>>>>>>>>>
>>
>> 1) 100% legal and legitiment
>> 2) Nobody gets scammed
>> 3) Everybody wins
[...quotes the entire pyramid text...]
>> REMEMBER HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
>> YOU DON'T NEED TO CHEAT, THE BASIC IDEA IS TO GET MORE MONEY
>> GOOD LUCK TO ALL, PLEASE PLAY FAIR AND WE ALL WILL PROSPER.
>
>
>DON'T SEND THIS CARP TO ME !!!!
Subject: Re: basic insects
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 07:37:12 GMT
Presumably he wanted a different carp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>[email protected](Larry Suter ) wrote:
>
>> Maybe
>> someone should spell out the differences between Christianity and
>> Chirstianity.
>
>I liked her in Cheers but I thought she was a Scientologist.
Yeah, but Matt, you're the one who was calling John Boorman
a pinhead when I thought you were calling James Earl Jones
a pinhead, you pinhead!
-- K.
Well, he was wearing the stupid
grasshopper suit!!! Also he made "Zardoz".
Subject: Battle of the bearded doubledomes!
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:10:23 GMT
Who's a better brainy crime-solving bearded sidekick, Professor Calculus or
Inspector Detector? And which of them is less deformed?
-- K.
Answer: neither!
<<<The following data belongs to OpenDoc.
Please do not touch it!>>>
-- K.
There are fish called crappies, but
nobody talks about them for some reason.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.exploding.kibo,rec.pyrotechnics
Subject: Re: BOMBS
Date: Sun, 13 Oct 1996 05:44:55 GMT
In alt.exploding.kibo, [email protected] (CRZY LORD) wrote:
>I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO BLOW THINGS UP EASILY AND SAFELY, AND I ALSO WNAT
>TO KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND SALT PETER FOR SMOKE BOMBS
HAY D00D !!!!!!1
4 ALL THE AWNSERS
SNED $5.00 TO:
L. DAN RATHER
THE RATHER INSTITUTE FOR THE RATHER GULLIBLE
LA JOLLA, CALIFORNIA
NINE OH TWO OH DOY!!!!!!!
-- K.
I LIVE IN
OH TWO OH DOUBLE DOY!!!!!!!111
Subject: Re: Bondage weight loss
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 07:26:28 GMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------In alt.sex.bondage>, [email protected] (Paul Dorsey) wrote:
>Seeking experiences and advise on using BDSM techniques as an aid to
>weight loss.
I wish I could think of an easy joke. Instead, I'll just do my impression
of Happy Days season #12 again:
"Jeepers, Fonzie, now that I'm almost seventeen I need to pick a date for
the sock hop."
"Ehhhhhh... sit on... it... ehh."
-- K.
Can sitting on it help with weight loss?
“Also he made ‘Zardoz’.”
277
“I hope these come with instructions!”
Subject: Re: Brent Spiner on Undernet long ago
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:16:38 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Nick S
Bensema) wrote:
>Who among you can prove this was not Brent Spiner? Or, rather, that it
>was? It was taken on the Undernet one night. I showed up late.
>
><Brents> MM: Robbie the Robot was from "Forbidden
>Planet" -- the Robot on LIS was just named "Robot"
The REAL Data would know that the Robot on Lost In Space had a full name,
"G.U.N.T.H.E.R." -- General Utility Non-Theorizing Heuristic Environmental
Robot, as I recall.
From: [email protected] (Anonymous)
Subject: Duhhhh!!!!
Date: 26 Nov 1996 12:54:14 +0100
Organization: Replay and Company UnLimited
Sender: [email protected]
X-Kibo-Machine: Vannevar Bush's Memex & Gene Roddenberry's Memorator
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3314 centons, 87 microns, .03 hectarsXComm: Replay
may or may not approve of the content of this posting
XComm: Report misuse of this automated service to <[email protected]>
Gee, when I click on the "Super-EZ-One-Button-Automatic-Anonymous-Posting"
button in my newsreader, it leaves in the "X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date:"
header that only one easily identifiable looooooozer on the
whole Internet has. Fat chance of being truly anonymous when
you're as universally adored as me, Kibo. Oops!
-- *.
P.S. I don't actually like jelly
beans, especially not vanilla ones.
That .sig now has an unpleasant
connotation thanks to Exxon.
I will replace that line with
"I love Mentos and Snoopy!" in a
less readable typeface.
><Brents> If the writers of Seaquest can get
>themselves out of the ridiculous transport-the-submar
>ine-to-another-planet storyline, anything is possible!
>;)
Unfortunately, I've seen the never-filmed scripts that were written for the
FOURTH season of SeaQuest. They included one where an accident makes all
the people on board "devolve" into lemurs and spiders. There was also one
where a similar accident made everyone turn into children, and at least
four where Roy Scheider fell in love with Worf but then he woke up and it
was all a dream all four times. That show REALLY sucked at the end. So did
SeaQuest.
The REAL question to prove whether it was the distinguished Mr. Spiner or
not would be something along the lines of, "Would you agree that you owe
your first major television exposure to the fact that Eddie Murphy is a
major creep, and what DID you mail to Letterman fifteen years ago?"
Subject: Re: Doh!
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 1996 07:39:32 GMT
-- K.
Subject: Re: Did he just sign his name on it like Spielberg did with seaQuest?
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 10:27:29 GMT
>(Louis Nick III) wrote:
>
>> Canadian Bacon. Was it? Is it? Will it ever be?
>
>Yeah. It was mildly entertaining, though huge chunks of it seemed
>lifted, with some damage, from "Dr. Strangelove," and one scene from
>"Monty Python's Life of Brian."
Quote of the day, from alt.tv.seaquest:
Yeah, but you lifted your viewing of it from my TV!
(JJKACHMAR) wrote:
>[...]
>The problem is we are not fools and lavish tons of money on the
>products of shows/movies we do like.
Therefore, you owe me the concept of a new "Dr. Strangelove".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And I bet he does it at Suncoast, too. "Gosh, I sure do hate that 'Earth 2'!
I better buy up all these $18 t-shirts to keep them out of the hands of
people who aren't as smart as me! I hope these come with instructions!!!"
Followed by the .signature of the day:
>
John J. Kachmar
>
Techno-Fantasy SuperFan
>
[email protected]
I highly urge all alt.religion.kibology readers to be COOL by wearing
t-shirts which say "TECHNO-FANTASY SUPERFAN & STUD" on the front and "I'M
WITH STUPID" on the back, while wearing a hat which has a big revolving
neon sign on top which says "KICK ME <-- I PUT THIS SIGN HERE MYSELF."
-- K.
I just get "give me lots of free candy"
signs taped to my back by pranksters.
If I were you... it wouldn't work!
-- K.
GENTLEMEN! YOU CAN'T POST TO
USENET FROM HERE! THIS COMPUTER
IS NOT FOR COMPUTERY STUFF!
Subject: Re: Facial restraint question...
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 09:33:15 GMT
Seen on alt.torture.
>The other night, someone came into the chat room and asked if anyone
>knew about some version of Japanese facial bondage, specifically what
>was termed as "piggy nose type" .... from what I gather it pulls the
>tip of the nose back. This person saw it in a pic and wanted to know
>what the name was. Does anyone have an idea? I said I'd ask around,
>but now I'm curious too!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------I believe this is a wrestling hold called a judd nelson.
-- K.
Could be worse, I could type in
descriptions of every single frame
of "Corey Haim: Me, Myself, & I."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I believe this is a wrestling hold…”
278
“…Erin Moran or Ross Perot…”
Subject: Re: FACIAL TORTURE
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 08:12:34 GMT
HAIL HAIL FIRE AND SNOW
CALL THE ANGEL WE WILL GO
FAR AWAY FAR TO SEE
FRIENDLY ANGEL COME TO ME
(Johnnie Cochran appears and makes William Shatner cry)
In alt.torture, [email protected] wrote:
>Hey Folks,
>
>
Anybody got any ideas on facial torture.
-- K.
GENE RODDENBERRY WORSHIPPED SATAN AND
MADE ME TYPE IN ALL CAPITALS!!!
[...]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You mean like looking at Erin Moran or Ross Perot for all eternity?
Subject: Re: Happy Birthday Alt.Religion.Kibology
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 08:54:50 GMT
-- K.
How about watching them
boff for all eternity?
That's not facial torture
but it still gives me the
heeber-jeebers.
Sturm) wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc,alt.religion.kibology,
news.newusers.questions
Followup-To: alt.skate-board,alt.religion.scientology,alt.ses,alt.skincare.acne
Reply-To: someoneotherthankibo@somesitethat'snotworld.std.com
Subject: Re: Four-line .sig files - an outdated limit?
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 06:48:58 GMT
[news.admin.net-abuse.misc]
Ricardo Hector Gonzales <[email protected]> wrote:
>Lupus Yonderboy ([email protected]) wrote:
>: The good thing about red hair, aside from negative comparisons
>: to Opi Cuttingham, is that that natural color just lasts and
>: lasts.
>
>Rilly? I have red hair; so can I assume that I get to keep it for the
>rest of my life? How about going bald? Are we resistant to that, also?
You haven't seen Ron "Kalbo" Howard remove his baseball hat, ever, have
you? He's REAL SCARED that we'll eventually SEE HIS BALD SPOT and realize
HE MIGHT BE PAST PUBERTY NOW.
Also, Henry Winkler... is AN IDIOT!!!
> There is no four-line .sig file limit. Anyone is permitted to create
> a .sig of any line length. It is mostly anal math majors who get upset
> when people use more than four-lines in their .sig files.
U TELL EM K00L D00D !!!!!!!1 N0W LETS G0 BEET UP TH0ES WIMPY GUYZ WH0
KN0W MATH AND STUFF !!!!!!!1
> Why set any arbitrary limit?
It's all a lot of nonsense.
YEA !!!! USENET IS ALL AL0T 0F N0n SENSE !!!!!!!! IT SHULD BE BAND !!!!11
>
>
>
>
>
>
There are
better things to be concerned with, like stopping commercial spam,
forged cancels, and unwanted email.
-- K.
Just watch him talking about UFOs
on that show he produces for the
Sci-Fi Channel. The one Fox cancelled.
Subject: How I make my living.
Date: Sun, 15 Sep 1996 08:26:24 GMT
I HEARTILY ENDORSE THIS PRODUCT. PLEASE BUY MANY THOUSANDS, PARTICULARLY
SINCE THEN MY ROYALTY RATE INCREASES. THANK YOU.
-Ric
Official FAQ Maintainer
http://www.benzlers.se/produkter/kibo/default.htm
WAY 2 G0 MR K00L USENET SYS0P G0D !!!!!!1 ILL USE Y0U"RE BB0ARD ANY DAY !!!!!1
ALSO DO NOT BLASPHEME AT YOUR GEAR SHAFTS ANY MORE.
EVERY b0DY REMEMEMBR THAT ALL QUEST0INS AB0UT USENET SH0ULD BE SENT 2
THE 0FFICIAL FAQ MAINTAINER, [email protected] !!!!1
-- K.
Unless it's Gear Multimedia CD-R
software, in which case you should
microwave the installed disk into
a puddle of flaming slag!
-- KIBIFF
A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111
[Kibo's old 1000-line .signature omitted to keep this book really short]
Subject: Re: Hail the Mighty Kibo!
Date: Sun, 15 Sep 1996 07:50:12 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Nik Smithur
Warrensson) wrote:
>All Hail Kibo!!!
>
>Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!
!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!
!
>Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!
!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!!Hail!!
!Hail!!!Hail!!!
>
>One last time
>
>Hail!!!
Subject: HY KULCHER !!!!!!!11
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1996 07:02:38 GMT
I JUST WATCHED THE SCOOBY DOO EPISODE WHERE THEY MEET JOSIE AND THE
PUSSYCATS AND NOW I'M WATCHING THE ONE WHERE THEY MEET SPEED BUGGY!!!
THANK YOU TED TURNER!!!!!!
-- k.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
“DO NOT BLASPHEME AT YOUR GEAR SHAFTS”
“…you people can complain…”
Subject: Re: I Eat Flowers Every Day
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 1996 08:52:27 GMT
Subject: Re: I had the DUMBEST DREAM last night!
Date: Thu, 17 Oct 1996 03:21:03 GMT
In news.admin.net-abuse.misc article
<[email protected]>,
[email protected] (Flowers) wrote:
For some reason the following article just will NOT EXPIRE.
>I Eat Flowers Every Day
>Makes My Problems Go Away
>If You Eat Flowers
>Yours Will Too
>
>Now I've Got To Take A Poo
I'm going to see if I can cancel this worthless sucker once and for all.
Same goes for the article.
I'd just like to repost this without any comment, so that you people can
complain about how I didn't say anything ''funny''.
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (James
"Kibo" Parry) wrote:
And it disturbs me. And the fact that it won't expire disturbs me.
-- K.
YAEW KNAEYW YEAU MEAY HAIV KAYLLED
JAYEFF FAWEXWAWERTHAEI AYIF...
-- K.
HA! I WIN!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: rec.games.video.classic,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: I give up- I'm sorry. I want to start over.
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 12:14:32 GMT
>Last night I had a truly crap-doodle-tastic nightmare, so stupid yet
>insipid that it resembled a Larry Buchanan remake of "Tank Girl".
>
>Jeff Foxworthy came to visit, took a nap, and... died!!!
>
>Well, it could have been worse, he could have been alive.
>
>
-- K.
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Nick
S Bensema) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>, <[email protected]> wrote:
>>Aw, who the hell on r.g.v.c. crossposted to those Kibo Kooks? The one
>>group that makes US look sane...
>>
>>BIRA BIRA forever.
>>Kibo is dead.
>
>Really, but... but I just saw a post from him two days ago!
>Is he really gone? It's all happening so fast... ::sob::
>
>(By the way, does Bira Bira grep all of Usenet for his name? Kibo does,
>and he's not even God. And can Bira Bira read Usenet with his 2600jr
>hooked up with GameLink?)
Oh, but that doesn't actually work unless you connect it to a special
computer like world.std.com, which was originally built in 1981 by Atari
for the U.S. Armed Forces as "Super-Totally-Realistic Virtual Reality
Battlezone". World.std.com still has the original cabinet art, even though
it runs UNIX now.
Did you know that Pac-Man was also developed as a training tool for the
Japanese army?
Subject: I HAVE SINNED!!!!
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 06:27:35 GMT
Today I have sinned against Curious George.
But it's okay, I'm getting paid real money.
-- K.
No, it does not involve cowboy boots and a
big yellow hat. And no, I'm not going to
explain how I make my living, except to mention
that you folks are posting in ugly fonts.
Subject: Re: I'm A Traitor To The USENET Cause
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 05:40:58 GMT
[email protected] (Tom Spindler) wrote:
-- K.
P.S. I like the way you spelled "Kibo Kooks" with K's to make it look
wacky, like "Kukamonga" and "Krazy Korn" and "Amerika".
Subject: I had the DUMBEST DREAM last night!
Date: Mon, 8 Jul 1996 07:04:42 GMT
>>who buys all that stuff they sell in the sex shops in the Combat Zone. I
>>mean, it's a free country and I guess they can buy it if they want to, but
>>still it seems pretty gross. You know the stuff I am talking about. That
>>stuff. Maybe the cool people buy it because maybe it is secretly part of
>>being cool. But I wish they would tell me because you never can tell.
>
>Well, I do, for one.
Yeah, but I prefer the sex shop in the back room of world.std.com. Why do
you think they call it "Software" "Tool" & "Die"?
-- K.
The "&" is what makes it DIRTY.
Last night I had a truly crap-doodle-tastic nightmare, so stupid yet
insipid that it resembled a Larry Buchanan remake of "Tank Girl".
Jeff Foxworthy came to visit, took a nap, and... died!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, it could have been worse, he could have been alive.
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Spridle, hopped up on goofballs,
steals the Mach 5!
“Today I have sinned against Curious George.”
280
“…you… live inside my Nerf football.”
Subject: Re: I'm A Traitor To The USENET Cause
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 1996 07:29:24 GMT
>>>>who buys all that stuff they sell in the sex shops in the Combat Zone. I
>>>Well, I do, for one.
>>
>>Yeah, but I prefer the sex shop in the back room of world.std.com. Why do
>>you think they call it "Software" "Tool" & "Die"?
>>
>>
-- K.
>>
The "&" is what makes it DIRTY.
>
>Ampersands with extra-large swashes are illegal in Texas, unless you're
>using them for educational uses only.
Ohhhh, that's why all the school kids giggle whenever I mention Adobe's
"Poetica 2" package.
2.) Let him explain that the key is taped to the underside of the middle
drawer of the filing cabinet which he always leaves unlocked for just this
purpose.
3.) Call him five minutes later and tell him you couldn't get the cabinet
open so you smashed the glass box that had the fire axe in it and you
hacked the cabinet open but all the papers got soggy because the fire
sprinklers went off for some reason and you still can't find the key and
could he please drive over to let the firemen in so they can let you out?
-- K.
Someday I'm going to tell you
where I work... after I tell them
I'm quitting... I'll invite you all
to a WILD OFFICE PARTY. Heh, heh...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.time-travel
Subject: Re: JFK shooting
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 10:05:01 GMT
In alt.sci.time-travel, GaryTKing <[email protected]> wrote:
-- K.
Also, only perverts like G-clefs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban,
alt.folklore.computers
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,news.admin.net-abuse.misc,alt.sex,
alt.stupidity,alt.slack
Subject: Re: It's a TROLL! (Was Re: Is this where I complain about illegal
activity on the Internet?)
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 10:50:18 GMT
>[email protected] (hymie!) wrote:
>
>>[email protected]:
>>>I don't think that people should be talking on the Internet about hurting
>>>animals, and I think that something should be done about it.
>
>>there is no rule or law that says we can't speak of things that are
>>unpleasant.
>
>Puhleeeeze, folks! <tearing out hair> It's a TROLL!
>
><incredulously> You guys are falling for it?
>
>*boggle*
Yeah, something outta be done about all this trolling on the Information
Superhighway that President Clinton built! We ought to have the President
invent an Amendment that makes trolling a felony, which is worse than
murder but less worse than a federal murder!
>UFO's had nothing to do with JFK shooting.
Oh, you sound just like the people who live inside my Nerf football.
-- K.
(I have to hide it from the nice men who
run this hotel, they say it's too sharp
for me to have. Time for my sleepy candy.)
Subject: Re: Kibo's Heroes
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 1996 04:51:53 GMT
>Kibo considers me a rank newbie, and I think he's right.
YEAH D00D Y0U"RE RANK ALLRITE !!!!!!11
-- K.
"Kibo considers me a rank newbie... he's right."
(Matt McIrvin)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.joe-bay
Subject: Kibo’s Sin Dome (was: A Kibological Intercourse)
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 09:30:36 GMT
Also I hear that if you put those four TV Guide covers together in a
different order it spells out "666"!!!!
Subject: Re: Jeff Held Hostage: Hour 4
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 07:46:32 GMT
>On
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
> :
Yeah, so? I have TOURETTE'S AERODROME.
-- K.
I am not a crackpot!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 September, Doctorb Science <[email protected]> wrote:
[email protected] (Elisabeth Higgins) writes:
>I am following up to my last post to tell you all that I forgot to delete
>parts of it. Note that I am including the entire post yet again.
>I have Turret's Syndrome now.
>Lisa FUKKEN Pea!
I'd like to point out that it's spelled Tourette's Syndrome,
>Protip: Never, NEVER let the only other person in the office leave when
>you're working late if you don't have a key or alarm code to lock the
>office up.
>
>Sigh, people should be showing up in...four or five hours...
-- K.
nnnnnnnyow! budda budda budda! dow dow dow!
bang! perrrrtweeeeeee!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
That happened to me once. Here's what to do:
1.) Call your boss.
“Perrrrtweeeeeee!!!”
281
“etnroaisdlhcfp”
Subject: Re: Kibolograms
Date: Fri, 27 Sep 1996 08:24:22 GMT
Subject: Re: Let's Speculate! The Conspiracy Game.
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 04:19:01 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (DLS26) wrote:
Bensema) wrote:
>Thank you, Stefan, for your answer "Mornington Crescent".
>correct. KIBOLOGRAMS ARE EASY!
>
>Your answer however is not correct.
>
><nasal, computer-generated voice says, "Try again, Dummy.
You are quite
He he he.">
Excuse me, that's
++THE LO-SER WILL NOW BE DIS-INT-E-GRA-TED!++
-- K.
why did Spock keep listening to the
Swedish Chef with that scanner?
Subject: Let's Speculate! The Conspiracy Game.
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:03:55 GMT
I just opened my word processor with my system's resource editor to go
diving for Easter Eggs. For string resources, there were three (besides a
big glob of error messages): one was the program's install location, one
was the description of the program, and the other was the string
>James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>>I just opened my word processor with my system's resource editor to go
>>diving for Easter Eggs. For string resources, there were three (besides a
>>big glob of error messages): one was the program's install location, one
>>was the description of the program, and the other was the string
>>
>>" etnroaisdlhcfp"
>>
>>Theories, gentlemen, I want theories. I want an explanation of why my word
>>processor would need a somewhat scrambled frequency table of the dozen most
>>common English letters. Is there a hidden function for solving Esperanto
>>cryptograms? Is it secretly making up random new dictionary words from
>>markov chains? Is this the new Linotype keyboard layout?
>
>I'm surprised that you recognized it as such. Do you have this memorized
>or did you websearch for that word?
No, I have the *real* Linotype keyboard layout memorized. etaoinshrdlu
running top-to-bottom starting at the left. The reason for this is that
that's the most commonly accepted list of common English characters
(although your choice of sample always yields different orders than that)
and because Linotype matrices have to travel to the left into the caster,
by putting the most common letters at the left of the keyboard reduces the
amount of time the machine has to wait for them to trundle around inside
the plumbing. Plus, it makes you keep your hand right in front of the thing
that periodically spits a wad of boiling lead into your palm.
" etnroaisdlhcfp"
Theories, gentlemen, I want theories. I want an explanation of why my word
processor would need a somewhat scrambled frequency table of the dozen most
common English letters. Is there a hidden function for solving Esperanto
cryptograms? Is it secretly making up random new dictionary words from
markov chains? Is this the new Linotype keyboard layout? Is it the
signature of the program's author, E. T. N. R. Oaisdlhcfp? Now get
cracking--I want to see a VALID CONSPIRACY THEORY or YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
-- K.
Strike "want", I *WILL HAVE*
and answer!
<<<The following data belongs to OpenDoc.
Please do not touch it!>>>
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Let's Speculate! The Conspiracy Game.
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 04:14:06 GMT
Typing "etaoinshrdlu" was also the fastest way to fill up a line--you see
Burgess Meredith doing this in a Twilight Zone episode--and was about the
best solution to the problem of what to do when you make a typo: type
"etaoinshrdlu", retype the whole line, and make a mental note to forget to
take the bad line out of the cheap paperback novel you're keying in. Unless
you're distracted by having molten metal squirted at you.
-- K.
Monotypes, on the other hand, were
so safe that only women used them.
Subject: Matt McIrvin's secret extra .sig
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 1996 07:16:12 GMT
I'd just like to announce that I'm the reason for his Indent-O-Meter
having broken. Bye now.
-- K.
And pay later!
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>I just opened my word processor with my system's resource editor to go
>diving for Easter Eggs. For string resources, there were three (besides a
>big glob of error messages): one was the program's install location, one
>was the description of the program, and the other was the string
>
>" etnroaisdlhcfp"
>
>Theories, gentlemen, I want theories. I want an explanation of why my word
>processor would need a somewhat scrambled frequency table of the dozen most
>common English letters.
Sorry to spoil ALL your fun, folks, but I just figured it out. It's for
doing Lempel-Ziv-Belch compression, I bet--instead of scanning the entire
output file for the most common character frequencies to build the table,
it would just use this table of supposedly common characters, and could
compress the output during streaming writes.
-- K.
EWWWW! STREAMING WRITES!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. It's really too bad his news host didn't post the other 996 lines I
laboriously typed in with MY OWN hands.
Subject: Re: Music
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 07:47:45 GMT
>[email protected](Larry Suter ) wrote:
>
>> Don't know where I got the inspiration or how I wrote the words.
>> Spent my whole life just diggin' up my music's shallow grave,
>> for the two songs in me and the third one I just maaaaaade.
>
>FURB FURB FURB FURB! FURB FURB FURB FURB FURB FURB FURB!
“Sorry to spoil ALL your fun, folks…”
282
“AROMANOMETER!!!”
Oh yeah? Well, I'm appropriating the Atari 2600 "Pac-Man" theme!
>
>Besides that, I thought "world.std.com" was a Silicon Graphics box of
>some sort. They use a somewhat different filesystem and have always had
>better I/O rates than SunOS.
DEE BZZT DEE BZZT !!!!!!!
It _is_ an SGI Challenge. It _was_ a Solbourne (ten-processor SPARC).
the end.
Now it's blue.
>(Their appropriation of the "Strawberry Shortcake" video game theme
>was brill.)
-- K.
And it has a load meter that
displays dirty words when you're
not looking at it!
-- K.
ALSO THEY RUINED KNIGHT RIDDER WHEN THEY
GAVE KITT AN AROMANOMETER!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,news.admin.net-abuse.misc
Subject: Re: N.a.n-a.m, the OTHER a.r.k
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 1996 15:05:01 GMT
In alt.religion.kibology Tenebreux <[email protected]> wrote:
> I've been reading nanam with a little more regularity recently than I've
> been reading ark, and it's come to my attention that most of the ark
> regulars seem to lead secret double lives in the fight against net abuse.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Subject: Nobel Prize for Kibology
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:47:36 GMT
And the 1996 Nobel Prize For Kibology goes to...
Me.
Yeah, but I lead a TRIPLE LIFE in the FIGHT FOR NET ABUSE!
Because I deserve it so very much.
Soon I'll release my new virus, the one that changes all .sigs less than
four lines into .sigs longer than four lines. It also makes normal
postings into spam and makes spam worth reading. Also it give you
ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD.
What have I done for Kibology? Well, I created it. And now I'm in the
process of slowly destroying it by beating it to death. Every day, I
manipulate the hearts and minds of millions. I make them cry so that others
might laugh. Sometimes I make them laugh so that others might cry. My
billions of fans adore me *because* I fail to acknowledge their mere
existence.
I'll give you ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD soon if you give me all YOUR
candy today.
-- K.
This has been a Party Political Broadcast
because I'm posting from my desk at work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers
Subject: Re: New word
Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 07:42:05 GMT
In short, I deserve this prize because I DESERVE EVERY PRIZE.
I will expect you folks to each contribute $160,000 towards my cash award.
Be sure to include a note crediting me with the only important achievement
in history. Omission of credit subject to triple billing.
-- K.
And the 1996 Nobel Prize for
Plutonium Atom Totality research
goes to...
Me.
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Bill Newcomb) wrote:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>SKIBOOTS: false or irrelevant hits obtained by a search engine.
>
>E.g.: "I searched for "No pants", and got all these skiboots about how
>to keep your dog cool."
Subject: Re: NOVA CD needed
Date: Sat, 12 Oct 1996 05:42:00 GMT
Eh. That's too easy. Don't forget that fuzzy matches will find "riboflavin"
and "cookbook" and "ski boots".
The filter I used to use (long before DejaNews) to find stuff like "K*bo"
was much smaller than the one I used to weed out all the stuff like
"riboflavin". However, the second pass ran in a tiny fraction of the time
the first pass took--ever access 300,000 files with SunOS's nasty ol'
inefficient I/O?
-- K.
Now, of course, I realize that it
doesn't matter, because Usenet is
just electrons, which will all
decay in only 10^16 years!!!!
Subject: Re: New word
Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 09:22:36 GMT
In alt.torture, [email protected] (Ziggy8846) wrote:
> Subject: Re: NOVA CD needed
>
>Tall, white, attractive experienced master. You are
>slave. You will be whipped, humiliated, tied, abused
>ravashed in every way possible. You will be used and
>holes will be filled with dildoes and cocks and more.
>balls clamped and tormented. Yet, your limits will be
>have any. E-mail me now!
a CD / TV / TS slut
and sexually
exhausted. You
Your nipples and
respected, if you
Gosh, PBS programming has gotten racier. I had no idea "Agronsky & Company"
contained so much stock footage from "Caligula"!
-- K.
Next: The Magic School Bus visits a very special place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>>"riboflavin". However, the second pass ran in a tiny fraction of the time
>>the first pass took--ever access 300,000 files with SunOS's nasty ol'
>>inefficient I/O?
>
>No, but I've tried to identify all identical lines in over 10 megabytes
>of "Serdar Argic" posts. Took a long time.
“I DESERVE EVERY NOBEL PRIZE.”
283
“Kibo never said this.”
Subject: Re: Of Posting
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 10:43:11 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (L. Shelton
Bumgarner) wrote:
>Those of us who post frequently on Usenet often take it for granted.
>We posters have grown accustom to having potentially thousands of
>people from all over the world read what we have to say. I‚m struck by
>how significant this is because I work at a small newspaper. I
>sometimes wonder if more people read what I post on Usenet than what I
>write in the paper. Previous to the Net, and Usenet specifically, the
>closest thing to this was Letter‚s the Editor. Only there could you
>find both interactively and the (potentially) unfiltered exchange of
>ideas we see everyday on Usenet.
YOU SUCK PINHEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOODIE BRAIN !!!!!!!!!!!
END OF DISCUSSION !!!!! END OF THREAD !!!!!!!!!! I WIN YOU SUCK !!!!
THERE I DESTROYED YOUR WHOLE THEORY NOW EAT WORMS !!!!!!
-- K.
P.S. I hope your newspaper isn't
full of apostrophes where the
commas should be.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord,alt.sex,alt.slack,
talk.origins,misc.misc,alt.fan.publius,alt.music.pink-floyd.publius
Followup-To: alt.mispelled.group....in.bed
Subject: Re: Privacy: Your Precious Usenet Resource
Summary: Hey, Mephisto, misc.creativity is _really_ gullible...
Keywords: wink martindale <- I met his nephew once.
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 10:39:53 GMT
A Concerned Citizen <[email protected]> wrote:
> Thanks for your interest. Any comments?
> -> David G. Hartnell -- MEPHISTO
.---/`
o o
> [email protected]
/
\
|
>
\/\___/ <--- Preth
\_/
> "Don't mind me! I'm Just Here for the Cheeze!"
Don't
>
//
-- Me
Flame Me!
>
//
P LLL EEE A A SSS EE
> \\ //
Protect the Internet!
P L L E
A S
E
> \\//
BOYCOTT THE CDA!!!!!!
P L
E A A SSS E E
> XX
PPP LL EEE A
S R
I like your .sig. It reminds me of one I once saw. I can't remember
where it was. Hmm, I guess it just kinda got posted to every group over
and over until everyone hated seeing it. Here it is.
-- K.
(my .sig is a sword whose handle
is in my pocket and whose blade
is massively crossposted.)
Subject: Perversion of the day
Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 07:49:44 GMT
[once again, the 1000-line .signature is omitted from this book-see Mr. Appendix if you really need to memorize it.]
Seen in an online toy catalog:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
Subject: Re: QUESTION ABOUT FORCED-ENEMA INJURIES
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 08:00:31 GMT
Chubby Rody is a study inflatable hose made of soft vinyl
on which the child can rock gently from the moment
he starts walking and later I becomes a jumping horse,
a faithful friend so loved by the children
I IS THE INFLATABLE HOSE FOR GOOD FUN FOR NOW ALL !!!!!!!
I IS THE INFLATABLE HOSE WHO IS SO LOVED BY ALL EVEN STUPIDS !!!!!
LOVE I !!!!! NO KILL I !!!!!
-- K.
Next up: Stretch Armstrong's dance belt of agony.
Subject: Re: Perversion of the day
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 10:14:07 GMT
>What will be the first thing to happen as a result of a VERY SLOW
>severe forced-enema torture using a small hand pump to administer
>about 12 fl. oz. every 10 minutes for a period of several hours ?
>
>A) The intestine will rapture causing a severe injury.
>B) The subject will develope a hernia.
>C) The water will flow out through the mouth without causing injury.
>D) Too much water in the blood will cause the subject to pass out.
>E) The pain will cause the subject to pass out before injuries occur.
>F) None of the above.
If my intestine raptures, then I'll probably fall asleep, just like I did
in that movie.
-- K.
Would an antimatter enema suck?
(K.M. Mennie) wrote:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>I also had the full complement of Strawberry Shortcake dolls,
Could have been worse... you could have had the Strawberry Shortcake game
for the Atari 2600.
Matt McIrvin enjoys playing that one every day!
-- K.
I wouldn't play it even if the
thing showed Claudia Christian dancing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rip Taylor appears to
have a case of skin fungus.
“I IS THE INFLATABLE HOSE…”
284
“…BLORCH!!!!!”
Subject: Re: Rite of Sesame Street
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 06:40:57 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Eric Boesch)
wrote:
>DUM
>DUM
>DUM
>Doo
>Doo
DUM
DUM
DUM
doo
doo
DUM DUM
Menomenah
DUM DUM
Menomenah
DUM DUM DUM Doo doo doot
doot
doo doo doo doot doot doodoot doot
That's "Mahna Mahna", according to The Muppet Show Book.
Better was the one with the pinball machine...
WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!
One two three four FIVE six seven eight nine TEN
eleven TWELLLLLLELLLLLL-EL-ELLLVE!!!!!!
(stupid stuff happens)
THREE!
(more stuff happens)
THREE-EE!!!
(more stuff)
THREE!
One two three four FIVE six seven eight nine TEN
eleven TWELLLLLLELLLLLL-EL-ELLLVE!!!!!!
However, I prefer the one they always played with the forty-eight dots.
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET
DEET DEET,
DEET DEET,
DEET DEET,
DEET DEET,
DEET DEET,
DEET... BLORCH!!!!!
-- K.
I WET 'EM!
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: Re: Rite of Sesame Street
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 06:48:25 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Ian Porter
Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology
Followup-To: alt.sex.wizards
Subject: Re: Seaquest Movie?
Date: Thu, 19 Sep 1996 08:16:04 GMT
In alt.tv.seaquest, Matt Martinez <[email protected]> wrote:
>James Kibo Parry wrote:
>> I hear it's going to star Marlon Brando and Kevin Costner and Bucky Lewis
>> and it will all be actually filmed in outer space and it should be released
>> next months so as to beat "Buckaroo Banzai II" to theaters.
>>
>> Does anyone know what channels will be carrying the new "Galactica 1996"? I
>> really liked the pilot they showed after last week's "Questor" episode.
>>
>
>There's no need to be insulting here.
Okay, I apologize for insulting you people who like Galactica 1996.
-- K.
And there is a reason, but it's
only revealed in the last episode
of the fifth season of the
"SeaQuest DSV" story arc.
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 08:13:33 GMT
In alt.tv.seaquest, [email protected] (Kyle Cummings) wrote:
>Who knows, I can't help but think of STAR TREK and SEAQUEST as one.
>STAR TREK Lasted only 3 seasons on NBC, just barely saved for a season 3.
>
>seaQuest Lasted only 3 seasons on NBC, just barely saved for a season 3.
>
>STAR TREK came back to make millions, if seaQuest comes back and ever
>hopes to make millions, I suggest Bridger gets his but back on his but,
>make season 3 a dream..aw hell just put 'em back in season one and spice
>it up a bit.
Personally, I think Shatner should get his but back on his but.
Did anyone else like him as the sleazy government official
in "Canadian Bacon"?
-- K.
>-- Ian "I'm going to paint a pi..." Porter
I'm gonna tell Mike Jittlov. He used to do that for a living.
-- K.
And this'll perplex him 'cuz
he can't read Usenet! Ha!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.tv,
rec.arts.sf.movies
Followup-To: alt.tv.seaquest
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 1996 03:33:11 GMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: Re: See this, or you'll regret!
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 07:03:15 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Shelley <[email protected]> wrote:
>This is an illegal pyramid scheme. You should get head lice
>for posting this.
Add their name to the list below and forward this message to ten of your
closest friends! In no time at all, the people on this list will receive
THOUSANDS OF POUNDS of head lice!
#1.) Kirstie Alley
>I've heard rumors that there may be a Seaquest Movie in the near future.
>
>Does anyone know anything about this?
#2.) your mailman
#3.) Kirstie Alley's mailman
I hear it's going to star Marlon Brando and Kevin Costner and Bucky Lewis
and it will all be actually filmed in outer space and it should be released
next months so as to beat "Buckaroo Banzai II" to theaters.
#4.) Mr. Zip(R)
#5.) Barney
Does anyone know what channels will be carrying the new "Galactica 1996"? I
really liked the pilot they showed after last week's "Questor" episode.
-- K.
P.S. Steven Spielberg says he loves you all.
DON'T LAUGH... IT WON'T WORK IF YOU DO!!!
-- K.
I KILLED GENERAL WALSH'S WIFE!!!!
“THOUSANDS OF POUNDS of head lice!”
285
“I liked the transparent plastic suit…”
Subject: Re: Serious UFO Abduction Question
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 10:53:28 GMT
>Also, I stand by the keyboard and pretend I'm about to barf, and then
>Kibo comes over and posts for me.
In about 12 wacky newsgroups, [email protected] (Lingal) wrote:
Of course, Corman's unreleased "Fantastic Four" is better, because they
fight Batman in it... and NEARLY WIN!!!!
Hey! That's the same super power as the Roger Corman / Yoram Globus
version of "Captain America", except HE did it TWICE in ONE MOVIE!!!
>Does anyone have any information about this:
>
>I have a friend who thinks he has been abducted by UFOs. I believe in
>such things, which is why he has confided in me. He recently told me
>that when he has an erection his dick bends way down instead of up, and
>he thinks this is related to the phenomenon (and experiments that may
>have been performed on him).
Lingal wins the award for Usenet Trolling Rookie Of The Week!
-- K.
And he'll land some big ones, I'm sure.
-- K.
(Also I liked the transparent plastic suit the Invisible Girl wore
throughout. But Malcolm McDowell's performance as Dr. Doom sucked.)
Subject: Re: SWING MAG PUBLISHER "OUTS" COUPLE AS "SWINGERS!" - PLEASE READ!
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1996 07:05:34 GMT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Reposted in full just so I can make a cheap joke.
Subject: State of the Art in News Browsers
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 1996 06:42:01 GMT
I almost installed a beta version of Microsoft's "Microsoft News & Mail"
helper for Microsoft's "Microsoft Internet Explorer" today, but then I
remembered to read the readme file:
>News Features
>
> Support for downloading Binaries, including downloading multiple
> ones all at once.
>
> Ability to subscribe to your favorite groups.
>
> Support for multiple servers.
>
> Ability to quickly look on the server for new newsgroups only by
> simply clicking a button on the tool bar.
WOO!!!!
I CAN LOOK FOR NEW NEWSGROUPS BY PUSHING A BUTTON!!!!
I CAN SUBSCRIBE!!!!!
I wonder if it has "Unsubscribe". I wonder if it can sort them by date, or
show the headers...
I wonder if it can display 80 columns...
I wonder if the installer can be downloaded over normal phone lines, or do
I have to type in a thousand lines of hexadecimal BASIC DATA statements?
-- K.
If THIS is the best they can do
to get me to use Internet Exploder,
I'll stick to the competition,
BackSlappers(C) for DOS 2.0.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.comics.misc,
rec.arts.comics.other-media
Subject: Super-Barf! (was: Re: Bogus science in YOUR COMPUTER)
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:04:38 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Ian A. York) wrote:
>Larry Suter <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>let her out. She made the connection between sickness and being
>>let out when she wanted, so to this day whenever she wants the
>>back door opened she stands by it and pretends to throw up.
>
>What's so funny about that? That's what I do.
>
In alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish(!), [email protected] wrote:
>Vincent Lombardo, Publisher of Tri-County Swingers (Florida), [(561)
>842-0863,
>125 S. Ocean Drive # 601, West Palm Beach, Florida 33416.], breached the
>trust of his readership, and everyone that walks erect, and has the
>smallest bit of integrity to his/her credit, when he exposed Dole
>Campaign Advisor, Roger Stone, and his lovely wife, Nikki, to the
>National Enquirer, outing (exploiting) them falsely of (allegedly) being
>swingers. Another rat, Steve Metz, [(703) 522-7740, 604 N. Highland,
>Arlington, Virginia 22219.], also put his two cents in when purporting
>that he Stones had approached him with sexual advances, explaining
>(falsely that they were swingers.) Well, folks, these cheap Presidential
>Campaign period (aka "Mud Slinging Season") lies have cost the Stones
>their jobs, and ruined the very sanctity of their family life.
>
>As a friend of the Stones, I feel personally challenged to bring these
>maggots to justice. Or at least to show them how shitty their lives can
>be for the damage they've caused the Roger & Nikki Stones. This damage
>is irreversible, friends. Vincent Lombardo should know better, being
>that his advertisers trust him to keep their personal info, and bios
>confidential. Plus, he didn't even investigate the reliability of his
>accusations. He just charged into this whole over-sensational ploy to
>fill his grubby little pockets with "for sale" signs in his greedy eyes.
>He, and Steve Metz, didn't stop once to assume that their actions would
>ruin the lives of two completely innocent, unsuspecting people, Roger &
>Nikki Stone. Any jerk can use your photos (as my wife and I have
>experienced first hand ourselves) to place a deceptive advertisement
>without your knowledge. Till one day you happen to turn on MTV (as I
>did), and find your friends - or yourself, for that matter - plasterd on
>the screen and being crucufied because two lowlife, pieces of pond scum
>decide they can make a quick buck - and maybe help some opposing
>political party with some nasty, otherwise unjustifiable scandal to
>boot.
>
>Please take the time to assist me in my "campaign" to ruin the lives,
>"careers" (imagine being a chunk of fecal matter serving as both an
>occupation and a way of life. Go figure. It works for Metz, and
>Lombardo.), and sanctity of these social barbarians. It turns my stomach
>to see what these bastards have done to the lives of two individuals I
>happen to appreciate, and care about very much, as their world collapses
>before their very eyes. Spread the news that these asinine, neandrathals
>cannot and should not be trusted. If you meet them on the street hold
>your purse close to your person, and guard your wallet from their
>grappling hands. Hold your breath as not to breathe in the foul stench
>of a lepers cunning, and a deceivers machination. Tell the world (via
>the WWW Newsgroups, Web Pages/Sites, Chat Sites, etc.) of their
>treachery. You could their next victim. Or so could I. Beware the evil
>that lurks in the "souls" of parasites such as Mr Metz, and Mr.
>Lombardo. Operation: Golden Rule has commenced. Join me in my crusade to
>bring these heals to their knees, as they look up through blood tinted
>eyes at the smiling faces of Roger & Nikki Stone, yours and mine.
>
>Xeno
YEAH WELL BEFORE YOU BRING THESE HEALS TO THEIR KNEES YOU BETTER BUTTON
YOUR LIP BEFORE YOUR BRAINS DRIBBLE INTO YOUR HEAD !!!!!!!1
-- KIBIFF
NOW STARRING IN DEATH OF A SALESMAN II
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Super-Barf!”
286
“DUH, LOOK AT ME, I AM SO STUPID.”
Well, I survived the day at work without being killed by the destruction
of the entire Internet in a huge fiery fireball of fire. Gosh, I hope
nobody here was hurt or killed!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity,alt.sex
Subject: THE ASCII VERSION OF THE MACARENA
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 05:53:42 GMT
-- K.
(except jesse, jaffo, and one of the andrews.)
"DUH, LOOK AT ME, I AM SO STUPID. ALSO I LIKED MOOD RINGS IN THE
SEVENTIES. AND THE EIGHTIES."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
I KNOW IT'S NOT FUNNY, BUT IT'S MADE UP
FOR BY THE FACT THAT IT MADE ME POST IT
IN ALL CAPS! SOMEONE HELP ME!
Newsgroups: sci.psychology.personality,alt.religion.kibology,
alt.disney.disneyland
Subject: Re: The Successful Psychpath
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 07:02:14 GMT
---------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity,alt.politics.jaffo,
alt.religion.macarena
Followup-To: alt.sex.kibology
Subject: Re: THE ASCII VERSION OF THE MACARENA
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 1996 07:47:02 GMT
In sci.psychology.personality, [email protected] (anne) wrote:
>Information needed. People who are not good or bad but play
>the games of manipulation in order to control or attain the
> feeling of such. Recieving gratification in the win.But not
>always having to attain a physical product.
(Matt McIrvin) wrote:
>(Carlos May) wrote:
>
>> Yes, I think we can look forward to discussion of the Macarena
>> to be a major topic of the USA Presidential debates. It's a pity
>> we won't get to hear Mr. Perot's opinions on the matter.
>
>Now, see, where I come from, we don't ever do the Macarena. Now here's
>why. See, I find this fascinating. Now you can't do the Macarena to Patsy
>Cline. I have a chart here, I made this chart myself,
>[goes on and on]
*PLONK*
-- K.
I PLONKED MATT!!! I WIN!!!!!
MATT McIRVIN HAS BEEN SPANKED OFF THE NET!!
Subject: Re: The Creator's Name
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 05:04:49 GMT
>The Creator has a name....
>Few know it!
>FREE BOOKLET
HELLO, MR. BOOKLET. I AM VERY GLAD TO BE YOUR HUMBLEST CREATION ON THIS
MERE HERE. EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THAT A LAVA LAMP IN YOUR POCKET?
-- K.
no, I'm just connecting the dots
to make a quarter of what could
someday become a profitable
inside joke! Like Microsoft Excel.
You might want to check news.admin.* and alt.religion.kibology. Best way to
bring these people out of the woodwork is to go over to their newsgroup and
mention, "Say, folks, I just found a twenty-dollar bill here on the floor
of this newsgroup. If you can describe it I'll mail it to you... with
interest." Then, when the people come out of the woodwork, crawl into the
woodwork and spy on them. But watch out for the mice. Especially in
alt.religion.kibology and alt.disney.disneyland.
-- K.
I LIVE IN ALT.DISNEY.DISNEYLAND
BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPY LIKE GOOFY!!!
Subject: Re: This week in ARK
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 06:25:47 GMT
(Matt McIrvin) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:
>
>> I saw the above topic on the ARK archives and was intrigued. However
>> months later, looking back we see the entry had not been updated. This
>> was turning to one of the longest week ever. It had already surpassed
>> the Saturnian week and was starting to encroach on the Jupiterarian
>> week. I've decided to chronicle for posterity this weeks happenings on
>> ARK
>
>Hmm... Saturn and Jupiter both have *shorter* days than Earth, so I
>suppose the weeks would be shorter too, unless it's 1/52 of a year...
>
>Kibo said it best: "I'M more pedantic than YOU!"
That's "I'M more pedantic THAN ARE YOU!!!!"
-- K.
*PLONK!* *KABONG!!!!!*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo,alt.politics.kibo
Subject: The Information EXPLOSION! (was: top UK news stories)
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 1996 11:18:20 GMT
A few days ago, I wrote:
>This just came in on one of my other computers (I'm at work):
>
> To: ooAll [the little infinity means it's a group.]
> Subject Resetting HQ Router
>
> Our network is a time bomb.
>
>I'd better finish up this post before the network EXPLODES.
666
What’s 222 x3?
“…the destruction of the entire Internet…”
287
“You have UNREAD articles?”
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy,alt.paranormal,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Thread23
Date: Mon, 2 Sep 1996 03:40:41 GMT
In article <Pine.UW2.3.94.960831212558.27815A-100000@mlode>, "John F.
Winston" <[email protected]> wrote:
>Dear Folks: I hereby start this thread (Thread23).
>please join in.
>John Winston.
Everyone
Hi John. I hereby pull at the loose end of the thread so that it unravels
and makes a big mess in alt.paranormal.
Shouldn't we merge alt.conspiracy and alt.paranormal into alt.paranoimia
and all talk like Max Headroom? It'd BEEEEE no problemlemlem AT all! all! all!
-- K.
P.S. Did you know that Jack Webb's
"Project: UFO" is going to be
remade by Rush Limbaugh?
Subject: Re: trn addiction
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 08:30:47 GMT
Bensema) wrote:
>I use trn so often, a typical figure for unread articles in the ark is
>about 5 new articles. unless it's my first time for the day.
You have UNREAD articles?
-- K.
Subject: Re: Visual C and Kibo
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 1996 07:37:25 GMT
E Teflon Piano <[email protected]> wrote:
> What we at The Institute want to know is when is Matt going to write a
>version of the Kibo AI in Visual C so that we can run it under NT 4 as
>part of our Telephone Help Desk program?
Puh-leeze. Symantec C++. Because I almost drew them an octagon.
(a long story)
-- K.
Also, I'm written entirely in
RSL. Ten domars to the first person
who correctly identifies the significance
of RSL in our lives today.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.startrek.klingon,aus.sf.startrek.alt.sex.fetish.startrek,
Subject: What's RIGHT with the new Star Trek film!
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 07:45:47 GMT
What with all this controversy surrounding the excellent new film, "Star
Trek: Final Contact," I just thought I'd add my two cents and supply an
unbiased opinion. This is a great movie, full of surprises. I nearly fell
out of my chair when Picard killed Geordi with that crossbow!!!! The stupid
twist ending where Q told Picard everything was just a dream was more than
made up for by that super-cool rock video they showed under the closing
credits!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.religion.louis-nick,
cabal.config
Followup-To: alt.sex.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: When is a troll not a troll?
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 10:42:00 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected](Larry
Suter ) wrote:
>[email protected] (Jay C Jachimiak) writes:
>>And I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it if Yonderboy became Yvette
>>or something.
>
>Little Red Yvette!!!
>
>Having finally seen the movie "Hackers" I would appreciate it if
>you and everyone else out there in cyberland would refer to me by
>my new name "Crash Override aka Zero Cool aka Guy Getting The Mac
>On That Hottie With The Short Hair".
Everyone should believe something.
I believe I'll call you "Pit-Pat(TM)".
-- K.
...YOU LOVE ME!
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 04:25:09 GMT
[email protected](Larry Suter ) wrote:
>[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>>I believe I'll call you "Pit-Pat(TM)".
>
>I've been named! I've been named! Maybe not as cool as "A Pinhead of
>Major Proportions" or "Torgo" but a rose by any other name would still
>cost $70 per dozen.
Take it from me... YOU LOVE ME!
-- K.
Could be worse, you could have been
born with Potsie's name and Ralph's career.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 1996 07:34:37 GMT
[email protected](Larry Suter ) wrote:
>[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>>[email protected](Larry Suter ) wrote:
>>>I've been named! I've been named! Maybe not as cool as "A Pinhead of
>>>Major Proportions" or "Torgo" but a rose by any other name would
>>>still cost $70 per dozen.
>>
>>Take it from me... YOU LOVE ME!
>
>I KNEW IT ALL ALONG..!!
>
>Kibo is really Janine Garafolo....!!!!
Hey, watch it, bub--I personally know at least one of Dave Cross's friends!!!!
-- K.
LEGEND LEGEND LEGEND LEGEND OF THE THIRD EYE
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
Prepare to be assilimated!
Exterminate! Exterminate!
“Exterminate! Exterminate!”
288
“Bart Deckers has been overcoating!”
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.slack
Subject: Re: Woman's SECOND G-Spot
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 1996 06:55:23 GMT
Subject: A brief moment in your everyday life.
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 08:59:44 GMT
(Dog's point of view as he races through the house.)
In alt.sex.stories, [email protected] (gwrust) wrote:
>MEN - LEARN HOW TO GIVE YOUR WOMAN EXPLOSIVE ORGASMS!
NEW ANATOMICALLY-SHAPED STICKS OF DYNAMITE FOR SALE!!!!
-- K.
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IS NOT
FUNNY, UNLESS WILE E. COYOTE
USES GENUINE acme PARTS.
BACON!
BACON!
BACON!
BACON!
I WANT
BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON!
BACON! BACONBACONBACONBACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! I SMELL BACON! BACON!
WHERE'S THE BACON? BACON! BACON! BACONBACONBACONBACON!
THE BACK AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY COMPLETELY REAL BACON!
BACON! BACON! BACON! BACON! BAAAAAAAAAAAACONNNNNNNNN!
(woman holds out a green poker chip.)
OH BOY OH BOY REAL BACON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------(Voiceover:) DOGS DON'T KNOW ABOUT TRUTH-IN-ADVERTISING LAWS.
Subject: Re: zincsalting on galvanised surfaces
Date: Sun, 6 Oct 1996 10:14:50 GMT
-- K.
Back to playing "Chase The Chuckwagon"
on my Atari Video Computer System.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In alt.coatings.paint, Bart Deckers <[email protected]> wrote:
>Hello,
>
>I am looking for a good but also practical way to remove zincsalting
>from
>galvanised surface before overcoating.
Subject: a.r.k 1996 "best of" to be a real book!
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1996 04:16:26 GMT
My work on the 1996 "Best of a.r.k" book is well ahead of schedule.
I have no joke, I just like saying "Bart Deckers has been overcoating!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's got pleasant typography, carefully-selected good articles, careful
formatting, marginal notes explaining ALL* the jokes, specimens of the
world's worst fonts, illustrations, dirty pictures, and much much more! (I
plan to append all my .sigs as a handy appendix, as well as tiny-print
copies of all my a.r.k posts that didn't get selected as "best of".)
Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.fan.tito,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: 1,500 straws
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 05:46:03 GMT
I've got the first 124 pages done so far; it's a 2MB PDF at the moment.
Final size will probably be close to 200 pages. This is one book you'll
want to download OVER AND OVER because it's so GOOD you'll want MULTIPLE
COPIES! You'll be able to get it for FREE, or if you'd prefer, you can send
me $40 and then I'll let you have it for DOUBLE FREE!!!!!
(Carlos May) wrote:
Please do not submit any articles. The decision by the editor as to what
person's posts will be 99% of the book has already been made.
-- K.
Well, he ADMITS it!
>RevJack ([email protected]) wrote:
>: In return for a favor (or maybe it's my Xmas gift) I just received
>: 1,500 Jumbo Individually Wrapped Disposable Drinking Straws. Fifteen
>: hundred of them. I'm really not sure what to do with them. If anyone
>: has any ideas, I'd like to hear them.
>
>: Best idea wins....well, I'll just surprise you.
>
>Put all the straws in a big sack. Dress up in a red suit.
>Slide down the chimney of houses with children. Give each
>child a straw. Leave it under their pillow while they sleep.
>For each straw, take one of the children's teeth.
>Be sure to bring a pliers.
Or wait for a tornado. According to all those science books that say "NO
GROWNUPS ALLOWED" on the cover,
A TORNADO CAN DRIVE A STRAW INTO A TREE!!!!!!!
I know it's true because they couldn't print it if it weren't. Also
tornadoes don't ever do it, but they CAN IF THEY WANT TO.
-- K.
A STRING CAN DRIVE A CAR INTO A SALOON!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Multiple choice candid
celebrity photo quiz:
1.) Bob Hope.
2.) Michael Moore.
3.) Kibo.
4.) Jane Seymour.
-- K.
And this means I've been re-reading
I posted all year. The articles are
they were the day they were cranked
Geez, I never realized I was such a
everything
tangy as
out.
bon motant.
* in one of the shortest posts.
Subject: Re: a.r.k 1996 "best of" to be a real book!
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1996 18:28:47 GMT
Nick S Bensema <[email protected]> wrote:
> In article <[email protected]>,
> James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
> >My work on the 1996 "Best of a.r.k" book is well ahead of schedule.
>
> I only have a 640x480 monitor and a monochrome printer. And a slow
> computer.
It's formatted for 8.5x11" paper, and can be printed in B/W. There are
lots of color pictures, but they'll print as grayscale for you. Because
it's a PDF, you can browse it on your monitor, magnify the good parts,
etc., as well as print out the book. (All necessary fonts are embedded.
I may also make a searchable index, etc.)
> Is there any hope for me?
No.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“REAL BACON!!!!!!!”
289
“This is… not ‘Best Of Gardner S. Trask.’ ”
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.gard-trask
Subject: Re: a.r.k 1996 "best of" to be a real book!
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 05:45:12 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy
Subject: Re: An Update About the Alt.Religion.Kibology Archives!
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 05:27:37 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Gardner S
Trask) wrote:
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Ian A. York) wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>>My work on the 1996 "Best of a.r.k" book is well ahead of schedule.
I had several thoughts when I found out about this book;
1) As Kibo never responds to me, will I be in it?????!?!?!?
Yes to the first clause, no to the second. You're not even in this post.
> 2) Some of my best work this year was while Kibo was in hiatis on Neptune????
This is a "best of a.r.k" compilation, not "best of Gard Trask". That would
be like a doctor telling someone to smoke low tar cigarettes.
> 3) Does anyone know if archives exsist for 12/94 to date?
>Larry Suter <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>Be the first on your block to look great, feel great, and
>>be able to count the number of Kibos dancing on the head of
>>a pinhead.
>
>THIS IS A SCAM! BOYCOTT THIS PRODUCT!
>
>I got the "Kibo-dancing-on-a-pinhead" doll and it was a ripoff! It was
>just the "Dancing Kibo" doll from the '70's, back when he was the "K" in
>KC and the Sunshine Band! I already had that one!
>
>Also the "Kung-Fu Grip" didn't work, and the crunchy nougat center was
>rancid.
Yeah, but you could look through the BIONIC HOLE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD to
see what life would be like if your eyeball made BEEPING NOISES when you
LOOKED AT THE SUN!!!
Yes. (Jon Lovitz voice) Buy my book. Buy my book. Buy my book. *ach-hem*
Also I had an exploding briefcase filled with shaving cream.
> A. Is this one of those college yearbook scam things?
Yes. To download the book, you'll have to upload a hi-rez color scan of a
$100 bill. One of the old ones without the security undergarments.
-- K.
So did the doll.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> caller: well sir or madam, I am calling from your alum, Cambridge College
You went to CC? Was it CCAE by any chance? Do you have anything to do with
the design/layout of their catalogs and brochures and posters?
-- K.
Or are you with Yellow Silk or The Polished Knob?
Subject: Re: An Observationalism
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 1996 06:57:32 GMT
>>However, the real problem is that I'm bad at social interaction that does
>>*not* involve conversing in the usual sense. In particular, I never got the
>>hang of looking like I was having fun while yelling unintelligible comments
>>to other people over extremely loud music, or while playing party games
>>designed to provoke adult strangers into saying "pee-pee."
>
>I envy you, Matt. Charles Nelson Reilly has never shown up at any parties I've
>been to.
Yeah, but I have, and I can do impressions of THE ENTIRE CAST OF LIDSVILLE.
Charles Nelson Reilly: "HELP MEEE, I'M TRAPPED IN SID'N'MARTY KROFFT'S
POLISH PRISON*, URRRRRRR!!! WEE-WEEEEEEE!!!!"
Butch Patrick: "Duhhhhhh..."
Billy Barty: (subvocal) "Fucking hat costume fucking hat costume fucking
hat costume fucking hat costume fucking hat costume fucking hat costume..."
AND OY'M WERKIN' AWN BEIN' AWL FAIV OF THA BUGALEWS, MATE!
They had the coolest Australian accents, like Nick Tate and the Beatles.
(On my TV at the moment: the computer-generated cubical William Shatner is
singing Elton John's "Rocket Man" on ReBoot. I hope I didn't miss the
parody of III's sphere/cube/cone demo.)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Anyone home?
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 06:54:04 GMT
In alt.fan.mike-jittlov and alt.callahans, [email protected]
>Please do *NOT* do this. The sites with proper Net feeds are
>typically showing 200 messages/day in "alt.fan.mike-jittlov,"
Nope, sites with *GOOD* net feeds show at least 5,000 new posts a day in
alt.fan.mike.jittlov, *ALL* of which are made by Mike himself, with the
exception of a few witty yet urbane drolleries by the esteemed Mr. Gharlane
and the humble Kibo. Each of the articles contains the complete script of a
zany new film and special production stills individually autographed for
each reader, and thanks to Mike's patented WizZagnut(tm), they're all made
of tasty candy!!!
It's good that alt.fan.mike-jittlov not one of those high-traffic groups
like alt.religion.kibology, which typically gets a .ZIP archive of ALL
OTHER USENET TRAFFIC posted to it once an hour for those people who have
very high bandwidth but can only receive one group.
>Of course, the Little Voices keep telling me to stop reading the Net
>at all, and get a job as a bag boy. (Or a bag man. Sometimes the
>Little Voices are entirely clear, and all I really know is that they
>keep insisting I should be doing something involving bags.
Are you the guy who keeps posting photos of himself inside the plastic
Christmas Tree bag connected to the Sears shop vac? You really should stop;
autoerotic asphyxia can be performed far more cheaply by simply painting
your whole body gold, except for that special area between your third and
fourth toes that you breathe through.
-- K.
P.S. Gharlane, sooner or later Mike'll
finish his eleven-dot font, and then
I'll know EXACTLY what you look like,
assuming your head is eleven dots
across. I'm sure it will be photorealistic, as Mike said that I look
just like Marvin the Martian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
* actual Charles Nelson Reilly quote.
So that means I'm 100% flameproof.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“I look just like Marvin the Martian.”
290
“If you survive the ordeal of pleasure…”
Subject: Re: ARK my personal conquest
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 1996 09:33:35 GMT
Subject: Bored: Please Help
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 18:10:18 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, Maelstrom <[email protected]>
wrote:
> From now on all posts shall make
> some mention of my name, however brief.
I have to write a performance review of my manager today.
Please give me some suggstions.
What areas need improvement, and at what does he excel?
I urinate on your newsgroup.
Also I fart on your 16-bit Netscape Gold 3.0 for which you didn't get the
128-bit encryption because you're a Commie.
-- K.
I said "Good at cutting & gluing, and nap time.
Does not play well with others; plays with self."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
P.S. "Mlstrm."
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.usage.english,alt.politics.jaffo,misc.misc,
Subject: Re: articles with brand names
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 08:04:28 GMT
[email protected] (E.Holmes) wrote:
>On 18 Dec 1996, in alt.religion.kibology, Andrew S. "Gurk" Damick remarks:
>/Herfh! Crackpottier in alt.politics.jaffo spake thusly:
>/: Actually, the Steve Martin movie comes to mind: The Gurk!
>/
>/Just to prevent possible confusion, I am not now, nor have I ever been,
>/nor do I have plans to be, Steve Martin. I often am, however, Kelsey
>/Grammer, but not in that bloody clinic, and only when he's funny. When
>/he's not funny, Nick Bensema is Kelsey Grammer.
>
> Now I'm confused. Who is Kelsy Grammar?
Know how NBC suddenly cancelled "Viper"? It was because he crashed it.
He killed James Dean!
-- K.
I made up the last part. One of Matt McIrvin's
relatives killed James Dean.
Subject: Re: ATHENS FOR FREE IF YOU PLAY IN SEX FILM
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 08:14:45 GMT
Subject: Re: Do Russian Dwarfs Climb?
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 07:17:12 GMT
In some weird newsgroup, [email protected] (Spiderman ) wrote:
>Hi Daniel,
>
>One of the cheapest tools for a dwarf would be: a used up toilet paper
>roll or even a used up towel roll. Just stick one or two of those in your
I'm really tired of all you people out there who are almost as tall as I am
picking on those who are cursed with being shorter than Walter Koenig. You
are making me look bad. These people must look up to me!
-- K.
Show neither pity nor scorn, instead offer
a toilet paper tube of friendship to those
who are special. One-ply okay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Does Mike have a future??
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 08:57:48 GMT
In alt.fan.mike-jittlov, [email protected] (Terry Whittier) wrote:
> Did I miss the original theme of this article? Could Mike Jittlov be
> imitated? Would anyone want to?
> Hey. There is no way in hell that anyone could do the things that
> TheMike can do.
Not even Mike! That's what makes it MAGIC!
-- K.
the Wizard of Mentos and Zima
someone in .gr wrote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------->
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Girl,from 18 to 35 years old.Here is your big chance!We pay
for your "allez retour" air ticket to and from
Athens,Greece for a weekend!We pay for your stay(three
nights stay)!We pay for your food!And we also pay for your
nightfun!The only thing you have to like is "sex" and to
show it:You will have a marvellous stay having sex and
participating in our sex video productions!It´s an
experience you will never forget!
Gals, you don't have to go to Greece to have sex if you want to have sex.
Any attractive, beautiful, voluptuous, pneumatic woman who wants to have
sex is invited over to my place! It will be an experience you will tell
your grandchildren if you do not have to be put in a mental institution
from the unbridled orgy of total bliss!!! If you survive the ordeal of
pleasure you will be grateful!!!!!
-- K.
THIS MEANS YOU, CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN,
AMANDA PAYS, AND JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSS!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bucky Lewis, world’s least talented comedian.
“One-ply [rules] okay.”
291
Warning: left-hand article is not by Kibo.
Subject: Re: Giant H
Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 10:01:58 GMT
[WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS NOT BY KIBO]
From: [email protected] (Stefan Kapusniak)
Date: Tue, 03 Dec 1996 17:43:43 +0000
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (L. Shelton
>Bumgarner) wrote:
>
>>
>>I've decided there should be a term for starting a thread that causes
>>Kibo to respond. The Usenet equvolent to a basketball "Assist."
>
>"Saying something ST00PID."
>My kid had a giant H. He made it on his etchasketch. Then he shook it
>and it went away.
The whole world is a GIANT ETCH-A-SKETCH OF DEATH!!!!!
-- K.
I'm still mad!!!! Also I'm blue and I got
loads o' arms.
I'm sorry, too difficult.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't do it.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.neutopia
Subject: Re: GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 10:03:19 GMT
I am an ABJECT FAILURE as a human being. I am a ST00Pidity FREE ZONE.
I shall go out and become a chartered accountant immediately.
>
>
>
-- K.
"Hah, hah!" - Nelson Mandela
(Lupus Yonderboy) wrote:
S'all right for him, he learnt the
ART OF ST00Pidity in the SCHOOL OF
HARD KNOCKS. A guy like him would
never resort to an ARROW ALERT.
>Sweet Jesus, has anyone else seen the new Time. The one
>with CyberChrist on the cover? On page 69 they've got
>a picture of Doctress Neutopia's web page!
|
|
\|
\
They've found ICE on the moon
just like that pinhead Tintin
did. What sex was he/she/it?
|
|
|/
/
/
\
\/
Tintin, not the ice.
I never worked that out never.
Sure Tintin was s'posed to be
to be a guy, I'm not sanguine
about it however. Under that
silly hair-do stuck with glue
on to the orange scalp, I bet
he was a CHYK.
|
|
\|
\
|
|
|/
/
\ /
\/
Even when he drilled holes in
rhinos in order to insert the
explosives needed to blow the
animals to smithereens, still
he wasn't interesting.
BEEP
What was Tintin FOR? He seems
to have no other purpose than
to fill space that could have
been used for extra Professor
Calculus, Captain Haddock and
the Thompson Twins. Snowy was
better than Tintin, the idiot
gets upstaged by the dog.
BEEP
BEEP
BEEP
BEEP
(Did Eli Balin ever install
the head mounted radar?)
BEEP
BEEP
|
|
|
|
It would explain a LOT.
|
|
-|
Kapusniak, Stefan M <----> YATTF : the short .sig, just because
|
|
\|/
Vladivostok
Is Bill Gates really TINTIN?
-- K.
Coming in two days. Big sig.
So big it could fill and
entire issue. So big it'll take
you a week just to read
the filename. Especially
you, Alex.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A brane numbingly boring CHYK.
AND WHY, WHY, WHY, did the uk
Windows95 upgrade advertising
use that red and white rocket
Professor Calculus built, and
they used in Explorers on the
Moon, and Destination Moon?
Sheeit, I shoulda posted my new .sig _last_ week.
Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: greatest show never seen
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 05:53:52 GMT
>In <[email protected]>, "cvgtc"
><[email protected]> writes:
>>
>> [re NBC's seaQuest DSV]
>> is it a great show??
>
>In <[email protected]>
>[email protected] writes:
>>
>> It was the greatest show ever to be aired.
>> But now it's cancelled. Ask around for tapes of eps.
>>
>
>
>No, actually, the Greatest Show Ever Aired was "MISTER PEEPERS."
Yeah, but I thought it was pretty disgusing, what with him being host
kid's show and going to that porno theater and all.
of a
My vote for best show ever goes to "Siblings", an unaired half-hour pilot
with the title sequence being FIVE MINUTES of Sally Kellerman playing the
piano and singing.
-- K.
And she was trying REAL HARD, too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“…FIVE MINUTES of Sally Kellerman…”
292
Kibo forgot to say anything about blennies in 1996.
Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest
Subject: Re: Hail the return of seaQuest!!!
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 08:25:52 GMT
>great new models from the show and its been off longer than
>most of this group has been alive. Anyone want to start a ROCKY
>JONES news group ?
In alt.tv.seaquest, [email protected] wrote:
I wonder what would REALLY happen if Winky went "Beyond The Curtain Of Space".
>Hail The return of seaQuest DOWN UNDER !!!!!! Wahooo!!!! Rejoice and
>be happy.... Althoug I noticed that fewer people are watching down
>here, is that because Australia is the heart of DION? hmmmmmmmm
Well, if we assume that people in Australia thinks that seaQuest is real,
maybe they're scared to watch because they think the evil Deion Corp. will
get them. Of course, I know it's not real because in one episode when they
blew up those missiles just before they reached Orlando, they showed
missiles exploding right outside my apartment, and I know I didn't get
blown up. Also I know I don't really live in Orlando; I'm still baffled by
why they chose to use a helicopter shot of the Boston skyline (also used in
the opening of the Boston NBC affiliate's evening news) to represent
Florida In The Future. It was a view coming across Boston Harbor from the
World Trade Center* towards the financial district.
I'm guessing that in the future, Orlando is supposed to have become duller,
and the Disney corporation has been replaced by Quincy Market, one of the
few places less entertaining than Disneyworld.
Anyway, this all proves that SEAQUEST WASN'T ENTIRELY TRUE.
-- K.
* Boston is one of a dozen cities to have a building named "The World Trade
Center" with the expectation that morons will believe the five-story
building is 200 stories tall. There's also a "Hancock Tower", which means
you could use the Boston skyline to represent New York City or Chicago,
just not Orlando.
Subject: Re: Help, please
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 07:57:49 GMT
[email protected] (Paul A Sturm) attempted to troll a.r.k,
which is not good:
>Hello. I can't read this newsgroup much so email me the reply. I have a
>problem with my computer keyboard. The f and the j key have littel
>ridges on them. How do i remove the ridges or get a keyboard that
>dosen't have littel bumps on the f and j key please? I want replacement
>f and j keys that are fixed. Also one shift key is larger then the other
>shift key.
Buy a Mac. They have the bumps on the d, k, and 5 keys.
Also, you have to be really careful when typing on one, because they don't
have a backspace key. You have to type "welcome datacomp" instead.
-- K.
You should see the trouble
people get into where I work
when they have to use the
GateWay 2000 AnyKey keyboards,
which let idiots accidentally
remap every key on the keyboard
to "ahfsdjgdfkdfbkbgdf".
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: HEY, WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 05:22:47 GMT
In alt.tv.seaQuest, [email protected] wrote:
>[email protected] writes:
>I don't want this newsgroup to die. Not that seaQuest will die with it
>>because seaQuest is immortal. But still, it's nice to have a place to go
>>to talk to fellow seaQuestrians and Questies.
>
>My wife still writes Voyage fiction and there are people making
What? alt.tv.mst3k doesn't talk about "Crash Of The Moons" and Cadet Winky
often enough?
-- K.
Yes, I've seen all TV, ever.
Subject: seaQuest, was Re: HEY, WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 04:29:29 GMT
>Hey, there are some of us who still post and talk about the show. It's not
>dead and it never will be, the show OR the newsgroup.
>
>What's Left?
>by: Rachel Blackwood
>
>What's left for those who created her?
>What's left for those who built her?
>What's left for those who helped?
>For those that acted?
>For those that sailed?
>For those that filmed?
>For those that dreamed?
>For those that hoped?
>For those that loved?
>For us?
>Those who created try to forget
>Those who built her tore her apart
>Those who helped now scorn
>Those who acted move on
>Those who sailed now sink
>Those who filmed have stopped
>Those who had dreams now have nightmares
>Those who had hopes have none
>Those who loved have broken hearts
>We have our memories
>We either let them go and forget her
>Or we ". . . hold on tight, take the whipping. . . "
>For there will be those who'll laugh and scorn
>But the soul of seaQuest will live on
>
>quote - Ben Krieg, "Bad Water"
>
>-Rach
>The Jr. seaQuestrian
Remember, seaQuest isn't dead, because it will soon be in reruns on the
Sci-Fi channel. This also means that Automan is not dead, and Future Cop is
not dead, and The Flash is not dead, and Science Fiction Theater is not
dead. In fact, all science fiction shows are alive and well, even ones with
completely retarded premises like Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea.
-- K.
Subject: Re: If Lerner and Loewe were kibologists...
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 04:28:43 GMT
wrote:
>Dianne Stanley as THE KIBO bringing forth so much new energy to ark that
>Andy's computer can run without electricity and he never gets a SCHLUMP
>again.
Hey, Rose, please stop claiming you're married to me. If you really were, I
wouldn't have fired you from Microsoft!
-- K.
But if I were married to Majel Barrett
and she worked for me at a company
that made acting, then I'd fire her.
“SEAQUEST WASN’T ENTIRELY TRUE.”
293
“…I just find dirty pills on the floor!”
Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.advocacy,alt.politics.kibo,
Subject: Re: The Joys of Usage Based Net Access
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 06:27:15 GMT
In article
<[email protected]>, Matt
McDowall <[email protected]> wrote:
>On 30 Nov 1996, decklin Foster wrote:
>
>> Ever read 'being digital'? Nick Negroponte points out that this make as
>> much sense as buying food based on the number of atoms in it.
>
>In a way we do, though. Food is often bought by weight. While that's not
>actually a representation of how many ATOMS are in it, it's indirectly
>similar. Just a little skew of it.
When I buy an atomic bomb, I pay by the atom, and dammit, if I get it home
and there's one missing, I get SO MAD I COULD START A GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR
WAR!!!!! Except usually I can't because that atom fell out. I spend all day
looking for it but I just find dirty pills on the floor!!!
-- K.
I hate when the BOTTOM atom falls out, or
when Sammy Davis Jr. pulls it out.
Subject: Re: LIVE Unsatisfied Local Women!
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 08:06:46 GMT
In a dirty dirty group, [email protected] (m carter) wrote:
>1000Õs of Unsatisfied Women
>Get Home Phone Numbers!
>All Separated by Area Code
The question is, are the unsatisfied before or after they call
the 900 number?
Because of your spammage, I'm thousands of times more unsatisfied
than they are. Can I have them all?
-- K.
Is one of them Claudia Christian,
or at least a young Jamie Lee Curtis?
I'll take whatever you've got, except
Barbara Bain covered with soap suds.
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.geology
Subject: Re: Ludwig Plutonium, America's biggest genius
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 08:16:57 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (AI Simulation
Daemon) wrote:
Subject: My newsreader broke!
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 05:37:43 GMT
(James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>X-Kibo-Equipment: a Memex, a Memorator, a Nyctagraph, & an Apple
>BHAX-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4115 centons, 91 microns, .02 hectars
Oh, great. My 'tarded newsreader feels it should fill-region-asparagraph with the user headers.
I'm not using an Apple! I'm using a BHA! That's diiiiiferent.
I was taking apart a Mac the other day, and on the inside of the
case was fingerpainted a signature that said something like
"Steve Jobs Rules", and then scratched with a pin into the plastic,
really small, was a picture of Carl Sagan, nude, humping the
high gain antenna of Pioneer 10 while binary digits spelled out
his sperm count. Truly disgusting. How the hell could NASA ever
endorse this interplenatary pornogorphy?
-- K.
What ever happened to Steve Job's
second company, Sente?
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.exploding.kibo,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: My repo strip
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 08:33:21 GMT
In alt.politics.kibo, [email protected] (TakkleMagg) wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I had bought new cologne in a huge 32 ounce container for the welcoming
party for the Chinese ambassador at my house. Everything was going great
until the dog was let into the house. I went out for a bit of fresh air as
the dog knocked over the huge container of cologne. After a few hours,
every inch of the carpet was soaked. I noticed the smell, and decided I
needed more fresh air. I went to the front walk and saw the ambassador
light a cigar. Then, everything blazed in a huge ball of white light!!! A
wall of flame coarsed around my house, knocking everyone out, people ran
out the doors, some flew out, and then, to my dismay, the whole place
exploded when The flame reached my room. I was blown across the street
into the neighbors tulips. Luckily, no one was killed, but a few people
melted together
(beaks into song)
and that's the way... they became... THE BRADY BLOB!
"Aw, Marsha, why do we always have to go where YOUR head wants to go?"
> and I'm about three months behind in my mortgage. Oh,
> well. That's life
I'm many months ahead in my mortgage, and I don't even own a house!
Therefore, I WIN!!!!
-- K.
I always win. Especially when I play
conkers and Descent II simultaneously.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>All rise! Ludwig Plutonium proved beyond any doubt that all Diophantine
>equations have infinitely many soltions!
>
>
///////
>
\-oo-/ Ludwig Plutonium
>
\--/
>
\/
a) his name was Archimedes Plutonium last I looked.
b) he doesn't look like that. He shaves his head every day so as not to
catch head lice from YOUR bad hygeine.
c) let's see YOU come up with TOTALLY NEW names for all 500 known chemical
elements!
-- K.
Kibobdenium. I call #73.
Subject: NOW I UNDERSTAND!
Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1996 09:01:51 GMT
"ANIMALYMPICS" was the one that WASN'T REALLY FUNNY,
and "LAFFALYMPICS" was the one that REALLY WASN'T FUNNY!
Great, now I can stop watching them over and over. CURSE YOU, HANNA-BARBERA!
-- K.
I like when that camel chews on Hanna's hair.
This convinces me that ANIMALS FEEL LOVE.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
“…Barbara Bain covered with soap suds.”
294
“NO FILLERS IN PATTY!”
Subject: Re: One Questless year...
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 04:26:17 GMT
>[email protected] (Kimura2032) writes:
>
>>Well, it's been a whole year. :(
>>
>>Anyway, I'd just like to wish everyone out there a bittersweet one-year
>>anniversary...if you've made it this far, you have a chance of surviving
>a
>>bit longer. :(
>
>If you can't survive without her, then seaQuest has taught you nothing.
>That was the one thing I learned: endurance. I touched the most beautiful
>thing in the world and had it taken away from me. But I lived on. She/They
>taught me that.
>
>-Rach
>The Jr. seaQuestrian
Remember, the worse the show, the fewer the people who will worship it, but
the more intensely they will worship it. This is why you've never met
anyone who liked "Woops!" but somewhere, there is a guy who is watching
every episode over and over and over and over until he passes out from the
multiple orgasms.
-- K.
If you don't remember "Woops!", substitute
"Small Wonder" or "Bigfoot & Wildboy" or "Automan".
Subject: Re: Public Service Announcement #1 - "The Rules"
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:18:18 GMT
(Rufferta) wrote:
>2.
"Duhhhhh, I like to pick my nose and eat it!"
[Congress.]
-- K.
"DOIDY! DOIDY!"
Subject: Re: Smart Escapee Hamster
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 07:19:34 GMT
In another newsgroup, [email protected] (Kathleen DeLander) wrote:
>- Bitsy - got loose. After he reached the floor, he couldn't climb back up
>to his cage, so he climbed all the way up the stairs, ran into our room, and
>climbed in bed with us, to [omitted for clarity]
Geez, you sure meet some pretty sick preverts here on Usenet.
-- K.
reading *.duct-tape
---------------------------------------------------------------------Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest
Subject: Re: Spot
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 07:38:56 GMT
Bensema) wrote:
>Paul A Sturm <[email protected]> wrote:
>>I finally saw a picture of Spot today. I was quite surprised to see
>>him doing ads for 7up, what with Dr Pepper needing a good spokesdog and
>>all. 'Course, he doesn't look much like a dog -- more like a red dot
>>with some haphazardly appended appendages...
>
>Did you know that he even had his own crappy video game for the NES?
Don't be sarcastic.
Ohhhh, like I'd be *sarcastic* on *alt.religion.kibology*, BRAINIAC.
>7.
"NO FILLERS IN PATTY!"
[A TV dinner, probably cooked by Nancy Reagan.]
Limit phone conversations to ten minutes.
Could you keep it down in there? I'm on the phone, LONG DISTANCE!!! Yes,
900 is long distance! Also she said she's got a british accent!
>Stephanie "I am not Kibo" Mortimer
Ohhhhh, like *you'd* have a clue whether you were the almighty super genius
*Ki-bo*.
Yeah, so? NBC's "SeaQuest" had one for the Atari Video Computer System,
OVER TEN YEARS BEFORE IT WAS ON TV!!!! If you don't believe me, run out to
CompUSA and buy the volume of Activision's Action Pack that lets you play
SeaQuest all day on your office computer. Better yet, tell your company to
buy it for you.
-- K.
Know the part of the show where Roy Scheider
always changed the submarine's difficulty
switch from A to B? That was directly
based on the game!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-- K.
To quote Fonzie, in episode #1074:
"Aw..." (points to "SIT ON IT" sign in
ITC Avant Garde Gothic Medium)
Subject: Quotable Quotes #8759074
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1996 00:53:16 GMT
"This page's unrecognize character (e.x.This above sentenses) is almost
Japanese
2-byte codes. Please ignore."
["e.x." is a neat term. It's short for "egg sample".]
Subject: Re: Spot
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:19:44 GMT
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (Andy
Simmons) wrote:
>Nick S Bensema <[email protected]> wrote:
>>
>>Did you know that he even had his own crappy video game for the NES?
>
>To make matters worse, he now has his own crappy video game for the
>Playstation.
Yeah, and wait'll you see what he does to Einstein this Christmas.
[On a flashlight:]
"FEEL ME! I'M 100% RUBBER!"
[I use this line on the ladies.]
"Oh, never mind, everything tastes the same when you're blind anyway."
[Fonzie, in the worst Happy Days episode ever]
“DOIDY! DOIDY!”
-- K.
It really, really sucks. Don't
be too disappointed this year, OK?
295
Geez, a whole page of dumb jokes that were once almost topical.
Subject: Re: Spot
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:23:27 GMT
Subject: Re: What the Internet Oracle had to say
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 05:58:41 GMT
Sturm) wrote:
>
>I got the uh, William's Arcade Classics pack, with Joust, and I was
>wondering if anyone of y'all old people know what the pterodactyl trick
>is. And it's got Sinistar! That's cool too. I rilly want Spy Hunter,
>though.
>
>(Now 'pterodactyl,' that's not spelled anything like how it looks.)
> I guess not everyone is familiar with kibology.
> --> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > What's the correct pronunciation of 'kibology'?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } actually, it's kibozotology
He was "Pterry" in the Atari 800 version, which Pee-wee Herman stole. Man,
he thought he could PULL THAT OFF!
-- K.
What do Pee-wee Herman jokes, Christa
McAuliffe, R. Budd Dywer, and
Vic Morrow have in common?
They're all too dead to make fun of!
Oh, I think the Oracle knows what it's talking about. It got the
pronunciation just right. However, the spelling needs work.
-- K.
It's in Kibonics, an officially-recognized
language in the San Francisco Bay Area.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: TICKLE-ME ELMO HAS THE OJ SIMPSON GOLDEN SHOWER PIC!!!!
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996 03:25:58 GMT
Subject: Re: What the Internet Oracle had to say
Date: Sat, 28 Dec 1996 09:43:15 GMT
(PUTZ) wrote:
Can you send the Cheril Crow pic to me too? In exchange, I'll send you the
hot new toy based on ABC's "Australian Sesame Street", Tickle Me Kangaroo
Mate.
Alex Suter wrote:
> I live a stones throw away from Oakland, home of the controversial
> "Kibonics Project", an effort to increase reading comprehension in USENET
> readers by speaking in a dialect they can understand.
>
> For example, a typical sentence in modern American English reads, "What a
> wank! Obviously, unlike you people, I don't have time to change the
> newsgroup line in every post." In Kibonics this would read, "Furrfu!
> In-joke No. 23, BEABLE ASIEONIEZI BEABLE!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Like, durhey! Don't talk down to me!
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv,alt.politics.kibo,alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: US primetime is, like, so gay...and other observations.
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 08:16:06 GMT
The 1996 a.r.k book will be a fascinating resource in 20 years. People will
be looking at it and asking, "What is this... 'Traskmobile'? What is...
'doidy'? Why did Kibo say Gharlane was 33 pixels tall? What was this...
'Macarena'? Who was... 'Bob Hope'?
>ENOUGH ALREADY ABOUT THE FBI AND THE SHERYL CROW PIC!!!
-- K.
I pray, I pray.
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (L. Shelton
Bumgarner) wrote:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>I've read a number of articles by TV critic-critters talking about the
>pervasive gay presence in prime time and I must say I agree. (Not that
>there's anything wrong with that.) Roseanne, News Radio and (possibly)
>Ellen are just a few of the TV shows with gay or potentially gay
>characters on them.
Subject: Re: WHY THE FUKKEN HELL DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BLOODY
SUBJECT LINE ANYWAY
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 05:44:59 GMT
Even the guys who sleep with women *could* someday reveal that they're
secretly bi! Not only is EVERYONE on TV POTENTIALLY BISEXUAL, but under
their clothes, they're all POTENTIALLY NUDE!!!!!!! And POTENTIALLY
DEAD!!!!!!!
L. SHELTON BUMGARNER IS A NECROPHILIAC LESBIAN NUDIST WHO LIKES ROSEANNE!!!!!!
(Also, most sitcoms are only potentially entertaining.)
-- K.
E sub p is always greater than E exclamation point.
BTW, re "Kids In The Hall": I can't figure out which of the characters is
the potentially gay one. They all act real swishy but I know they're all
straight because they sleep together when one of them is dressed a woman.
Especially if it's the guy who's potentially gay on NewsRadio.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I AM NOT HALLUCINATING, I AM NOT HALLUCINATING.
>
> AM NOT
>
> I HATE YOU ALL
And I *LOVE* *YOU* *ALL*. Except for K1B0LU\/ & Stefan K., cause he spells
his first name wrong. Also, you have to have a subject line because
otherwise it would cost the net HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS, of DOLLARS...
an a NEW CAR!!!!!
I think at work tomorrow I will spend THE WHOLE DAY talking LIKE DON PARDO!!!!!
Of course, I'll have to work on making enough bloopers, and then crying
when Michael O'Donoghue fires me on the air. Then later, after I've been
rehired during the Jon Lovitz days, I need to practice leaning into the
frame and shouting "I'M ON TEEEE VEEEE!!!!"
-- K.
AND THE NOT FOR READY PRIME TIME PLAYERS!!!!
[yes, that's how he opened the first episode.]
P.S. Now I hate you all, because you're on
a sucky show that's even worse than "Mad TV".
“POTENTIALLY NUDE!!!!!!!”
296
“Free Candy For Anyone Named Kibo.”
Subject: Re: Yaa! Kiboluv is Back! (wuz Re: Friday Night TV)
Date: Sun, 8 Dec 1996 04:36:09 GMT
wrote:
>[email protected] (Bruce Ediger) writes:
>>Yaaaa! Welcome back you little weirdo you! Even if you are Kibo
>>under an AOL screen name, we missed you! If only Accelertor Boy
>>would Post Again!
I'll let you in on a shameful little secret.
My AOL account was "[email protected]". I had it about three months. Then, once
I had downloaded all the icons, I tied off the connection and sold them on
CD as "Kibo's Enormous Tiny Clip Art Collection".
I don't know who kibo1 and kibo2 were, but I hope they haven't discovered
my favorite chat room: "Free Candy For Anyone Named Kibo".
-- K.
Only online service I've never had
an account on: John P. Palmer's.
Subject: Re: You Bastards, Torture Me
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 09:17:09 GMT
>She isn't a SAM........as a SAM, I take that as offense. A SAM is a
>"smart assed masochist" She doesn't fall into any category except for
>*wannafuck*. Huge diff......and you don't have to be impressed...I
>don't bow, cower, serve anyone who calls themselves Dom or Domme.
>Respect is given, not demanded.......are we forgetting basics?
Ahhh, Matt, now I see why she threw that Snapple bottle at my head
when I called her "Bev".
Answer to quiz on page 289:
From a Star Wars cartoon made
in 1985, it’s “Kibo”. He spent
most of the episode spying on
people with his computer terminal.
-- K.
As for me, I'm a Superior Highly
Evolved Mature Person, or CURLY JOE.
“Look, I wrote a book by accident!”
297
You are entering another dimension:
a dimension of sight, of sound, of
bandwidth. A dimension that lies
beyond the end of Usenet postings.
A dimension whose only boundary is
the easily-ignored four-line limit.
There’s the .signpost ahead:
next stop…
TE
.SE.

Z E
298
Kibo’s 1000-line .signature (begun 1990, last edited 1993)
It gradually grew and grew, until I had to
start taking out stuff to put new stuff in
(articles longer than 1000 lines don’t always
pass through Usenet sites.) Of course, this
means I’d have to limit it to about 980 lines,
to allow for headers. But I preferred to have
a four-digit length and so played it a little
unsafe. This version is actually 1008 lines.
Some of the lines are intentionally longer than
80 columns, to generate weird line-wrapping
damage
Some of these things were seen in other
peoples’ stupid .sigs, and others are merely
archetypes of the stupid things Usenet newbies
used at the time (Garfield and Bart Simpson
pictures, big swords, etc.)
It used to be that most people had a small
.sig, with their name, postal address, and
sometimes phone number; I think the reason
you see so few .sigs these days is that people
started generating junk-mail lists from them.
And besides, why do you need one? Your email address is at the top of any Usenet
article or mail message, and other information
should stay on a need-to-know basis.
By the way, my very first .signature was
awful. It did indeed involve a big sword.
^ L
.SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM
AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM
AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO
AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM
AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!!
(WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!)
AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!!
AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!!
AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!!
AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!!
AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!!
NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!!
AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S
DONE!!!!
AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!!
AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM
AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME
HUH !!!!
AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME
REALLY!!!!!
AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I
STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!!
AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE
LAST TYPO
COPYRIGHT (C)
COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!!
THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY
FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION
OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT.
AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH
!!!
& 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO
DE MAY-O !!!!
I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW
WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!!
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO
YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO
ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------^L
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
___
/(()\
\__\|
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET.
___
+-----+
/(()\ | VAX |
\__\|===+_____+
^L
____
/
\__
|\
/
@ \
\ \_______|
\ .:|>
\
##|
| \__/
|
####\__/ \
/ / ##
\|
/ /__________\ \
L_JJ
\__JJ
S
C
R
A
T
"Dogs aren't ALLOWED?
WAAAAAAH!"
-- Spot
"On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!"
-- Jerry Garcia
C
H
A
N
D
S
N
I
F
F
to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not
schenectady.
[email protected]
_________________________________________________
[email protected]@uunet.COM
/ Kibology
/ Anything I say is my opinion,
[email protected]@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's.
__________________________/_____________/_____________________________________
"All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs!
__________________________________________/___________________________________
Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be...
________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________
I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_
_____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously.
Some days you
/ Klods * /
TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really.
just can't get / for /__________________________________________________
rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R
______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________
* Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native
Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh????
_____________________________________________________________________________
You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!!
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown
_____________________________________________________________________________
M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9
Look for the white pin
_____________________________________________________________________________
I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast
Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all.
My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of
Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total
Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida!
Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career!
_____________________________________________________________________________
If it doesn't say PURINA, /
/ Bart Simpson and Charlie
bury it in the yard!
/
BYTE ME!
/
Brown are both GIRLS!
________________________/_____________________/______________________________
THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO"
PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT
MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF.
_____________________________________________________________________________D
|| _______________________________________________________________________ ||I
|| ||
|| ||S
|| ||------>
I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!!
<------|| ||C
++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L
|| ||------>
BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!!
<------|| ||A
|| ||------>
ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!!
<------|| ||I
|| ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M
||_________________________________________________________________________||E
_____________________________________________________________________________R
"BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown /
QUAIL SUCKS
__________________________________________________________/__________________
/
Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka
________________________/____________________________________________________
Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW!
_____________________________________________________________________________
All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez
___________________________/_______________________________/_________________
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? /
QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! !
_______________________/__________________________/__________________________
"The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody
says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman
_____________________________________________________________________________
If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't
mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________
____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years"
I hope you're enjoying
/
I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13,
reading this posting... /
send presents! The day before Bastille Day!
_________________________/___________________________________________________
If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Hi [email protected]! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite
_________________/___________________/
baseball team? THE EXPOS!
Garrison Keillor is my hero
/
(rec.humor.funny)
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK
_____________________________________________________________________________
"SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't
that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while
a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a
bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott.
Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE
/ This space intentionally left blank.
(THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) /
__________________________________/__________________________________________
Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me
_____________/_____________________________________________________/_________
Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction.
_____________________________________________________________________________
|\
My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap
--- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago
___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow!
__|/_________________________________________________________________________
| "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our |
| hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!|
|___________________________________________________________________________|
Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the
_____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA).
I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill
him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records"
for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of
postcards at the below address:
Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA)
Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands
of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to
each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves
a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY
recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her
dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you
his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week!
THIS IS NOT A SCAM!
This service is FREE!
Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART
[murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"]
|
^
|
^
v
v
v
|
[David [That FBI guy]
["J.R."]
Lynch]
^
^
/
|
|
v
[donuts]
[Bobby in
[the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"]
=
the shower]
^
^
[sex]
|
|
|
/->[Monty Python's Flying Circles]
v
[bag
[lumber/->[Ted Bundy]
ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy]
^
|
^
\->[Children]
|
v
|
[the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet]
evil twin]
|
v
And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks]
^
^
|
^
/
|
v
|
[Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs]
|
\______________________________________/
^
v
|
[Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic
[the log lady]
^
lights]
(here too!)
|
[walk with fire me]---> ^
^
[Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee]
|
|
|
[Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos]
["Bob"]
[Dilbert]-->[Dogbert]
|
|
\
v
v
>[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard]
_____________________________________________________________________________
My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius
"The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard!
/
IN 1992 / must wear slacks!
_________________________________________/______________/____________________
Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-)
_____________________________________________________________________________
I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack...
_____________________________________________________/_______________________
I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow
R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of
your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop!
_____________________________________________________________________________
MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD!
I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------\\\\\\\\\\
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AMIGA ONLY! \\
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| __
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\ |\/\/\/| r
| |\\
| | \ / ,__\
AIR SUPPLY
| "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a
| ||\\ | |_/ \ |
_ _ |
|
man!"
/ | ' | d
| || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ /
\_______________/ | \___/ i
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c d | ||___\\
\ \\ \_/ | | |__ |
a u | ||
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|
as seen on
BART
l d |
\__/
FOX!
SIMPSON
e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!!
_____________________________________|_______________________________________
This is fun to read even if you haven't
seen the series. I like my chart, and
I've never seen the show!
"NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" /
________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______
^L
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"If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be
EDUCATIONAL,
like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition
TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you
READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT
that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and
EXTRAORDINARILY
ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the
MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD
and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE...
with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE,
DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER
doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child
HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**************************(.signature continued)*******************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS!
ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ!
[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]
This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the
length of this .signature's physical size.
I cant think of anything more to add!
[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]
***** ___
___
_________
*
/ \ /
\
| _______ |
* |
V
|
| | * * | |
HELP ME NAME MY
*
\
/
| |_____| |
APPLE SE/30 WITH
*
\
/
|
=== |
40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE
*
\ /
|_________|
*****
v
|||||||||
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute?
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|\
---*-- | \
TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL
LAWYER!!!
-"""
\__| \
/
: Qld : TAS \
/
:........
\
' SA : AA
:.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA
\
:
* :NSW
/
\*
:/""""""\`..x */
----'
VIC\ *`./
""""
\"""/
NT\*/
Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!)
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
S T O P
C A S T I N G
P O R O S I T Y
|
+____________________________________________________________________________+
Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called
Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs?
=============================================================================
I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says
Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag!
Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's
fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though,
I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
___________________/_________________________________________________________
"We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around."
-- Tom Brokaw
_____________________________________________________________________________
"OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best
GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest!
_____________________________________/_______________________________________
Fly KLM! /
Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating?
__________/____ Really!______________________________________________________
Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6)
_____________________________________________________________________________
Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! /
NO FATE
________________________________________________________/
I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost /
KNOW FUTURE
went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/
_____________________________________________________/
NO DOGS ALLOWED
HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK
***************************************************************************
*
*
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W*T
T*W*T
T*WT
**
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^Labor Day
^Sep 14
^Sep 28
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000***************************************************
WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!!
*******************************************************************************
MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening highmindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be
burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya
mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two
weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every
five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a
breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law
forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and
scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a
woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used
to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of
your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the
needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion
diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is
always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man
runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a
man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130
midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell
has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now
dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure
open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization:
Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a
rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we
have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the
Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've
piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows,
raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to
do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle
Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the
laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If
a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about
30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4
cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups
shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp.
salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of
a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis
and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually
perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the
wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable
opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change
the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate
Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol
_______________________________________________________________________________
THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST
MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE
BEST MOVIE EVER!!!
.--------------.
.---' o
.
`---.
.-'
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.
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|@@@@@
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`.-./ .
. @@@@\__/@@@@@
@@@ |
/ @@@@@
--`-'
o
@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@
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Full Moon +
|@ @@@@ . @ @
`
@
@@
. @@@@@@
|
0 5:15:36
|
@@
o
@@
.
@@@@@@
|
Last Quarter | .
@ @ @
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@@@@@@.
|
7 3:55:27
\
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.---'
`--------------'
^L
TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11
"Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(a personal friend)
<--- THE TERMINATOR
I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES
THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11
"THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP
"HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!"
-- DILBERT
"THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER"
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;::::::::::::::
My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford
one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for
you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs
this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
STAR TREK RULEZ!!!
________^_______
============= \______ _____/\
/ /
- Write-in to Paramount
V
\
\_____/__/_ - - - to keep them from killing Spock
)|US ENTERPRISE/ - - in their next movie!!!!
|____________/ - - - - -
MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by
William S. Burroughs. See--->?)
/
\/\/. \. Burroughs
/
I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2,
5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each.
I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each!
/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\
_________
/
\
|
|
\__\ /__/
--| |--| |/| |\
/////\\\\\\
NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!!
| _
\ /
UU __
==/ \
/\__o |
*|__\__/
/_ \_
"boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
____|||||///
/
|||||////
/ __ ||
////
|
L| :
===
| |
__ : ___ =|=
|
(_) :/__) |
|/
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\|
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.\
|
\ \ \ :
/
| HHH--- |
\____:___/
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
- - - - - - - - - - - WHOOSH! - - - - - - - - - -
TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES
10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
9) "Dammit Jim!"
8) "Spit it out, man!"
7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!"
6) "Where's the beef?"
5) "They're BORN pregnant!"
4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed."
** send mail if you want the rest **
Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner.
The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making
now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good.
SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP!
------------------------------------=----------------------------------------I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but
unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it.
-----------------------------------=--------------------------------------------There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being
an alien, a government agent,
a sexual pervert, or the
camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli.
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four
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AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!!
V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V
bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex:
Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq
lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat
nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf,
vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy
ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf
va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny
fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua,
Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl
nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba?
-- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff"
TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)"
_____________________________________________________________________________
R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW!
^L
O
(.|.)
).(
( | )
\|/
TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD!
WOO WOO!!!!
HUBBA HUBBA! YOW!
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh.
_____________________________________________________________________________
aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes.
kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo.
kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK!
____________________________/____________________________________/___________
If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak!
But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour!
Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny
because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems
because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"!
Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"?
RM, DELETE(1,C)
AIX Commands Reference
RM, DELETE(1,C)
PURPOSE
"100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature.
Compliment... or CONSPIRACY?
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Removes files or directories.
SYNTAX
My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy,
Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo.
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/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature.
Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay?
_____________________________________________________________________________
THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLYPOLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY,
ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM,
PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET,
GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK
THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE
CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE
IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR
QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------******************************************************************************
* NEW drawing!
*
* of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow!
*
*
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`------'
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\/----+---------------------------------------\______
*
*|
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XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!!
\______________*
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/~~~~~~~~
*
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NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!!
*
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*
*
ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!*
******************************************************************************
one of
+--------+ +------------+
| rm
|---| +----+ |--- file ---|
| delete | +---| -f |---+ ^
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+--------+
^ | -i | | +--------+
| | -r | |
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____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______
/O
<--those are scissors
.-----------.--' o
. . `-.-' .
O .
. `
.-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@
/@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it
./
o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@
at the Boston Science Museum!
/@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O
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.-`-----------If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!!
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.....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley.....
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
-------\__/
|
* /
|_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX
ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME!
AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY!
^L
1234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789
0XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!!
^L
^L
^L
^D
^D
^D
303
.
exit
stop
bye
^C
^Z
!sh
!ed
/exit
quit
q
/quit
~x
help
help stop
!help
logout
$signoff
write sysop "how do i stop this ???"
psot
post
^PÔ^S^T
this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350.
THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY
.SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the edn
P.S.:
---------From [email protected] Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991
To: James 'Kibo' Parry <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration
From: Industrial Poet <[email protected]>
Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST
Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK.
Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature:
"It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame.
The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small."
- Mark-Jason Dominus <[email protected]>
Sword - 692-709
Terminator - 478-489
unknown (command flow?) 736-744
unknown (computer?) 293-300
End, The - 775-780, 831
Favorites:
Author - 77-81
Font - 144-146
Heavy Metal Band - 245-253
Movie - 137-138
Movie - 478-489
Painters - 641-643
Quotes - 388-440
Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511
SF Short Story - 207-208
Skeleton Joke - 210
Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638
Font, BUA - 257-273
Font, Biggest UA - 559-609
GIF, R-Rated - 626-635
History - 2-16
Line 350 - 828
Manuals, MTS - 535-537
Map, Australia - 308-320
Map, Massachusetts - 785-788
Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771
Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362
Peeks, Twin - 176-205
Phobias - 712-716
Posts Made, Number of - 364-386
Quitting Attempts - 794-825
Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348,
490-497, 514-525, 723-734
Scissors - 745-746
Score, Tetris - 220
Smilies - 303-305
Space, Blank - 280-291
Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674
====
GEEK CODE:
+++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil
Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth!
---------
mathew
-----------From [email protected] Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992
Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT
From: [email protected] (Steve Berlin)
Subject: Re: your .sig
In article <[email protected]> [email protected] signed:
>-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>Carol Osterbrock
* Life is too short for 4 line .sigs
>[email protected]
*
-- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have
>==============================================================================
Hi there.
RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature
so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool.
Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord,
but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies,
can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good
painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No!
But I digress.
---------UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
SEE BATMAN 2 !!!!
-I HAVE A BLACK BELT !
IN NUCLEAR
Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for
it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers.
I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents.
Suggestions for index:
1) Append it to the end of the .sig
2) Include it as a seperate file
3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy
or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and
watch Ren and Stimpy.
- Stev0
13, Rot - 610-623
Address - 55-58
Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533
Child, Dying - 155-174
Copyright - 86-88
Credits - 19,20
Dedication - 781-783
Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790
Drawings, ASCII:
Bozo - 644-670
Brain - 28-37
Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556
Check, Amiga - 223-243
Dog - 40-48
Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695
Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253
PHYSICS
--
The index someone compiled used to be accurate—
until I inserted a bunch of stuff at the beginning
just to break it. And yes, you do occasionally see
people (particularly on Compuserve) who don’t
know what to type to save the text they’ve written,
so articles occasionally end with a stream of
“/EXIT”s, “^D”s, “quit”s while they’re finding
the SPECIAL word by process of elimination.
304
1991: Kibo’s PostScript (.PS) .signature
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
, ,
,
,
, ,
,
At the time, powerful PostScript laser printers were uncommon. You
could choke a LaserWriter quite easily with something like this. I
made it in Adobe Illustrator 3.0, using lots of arcs, thick strokes, and
pattern fills because I knew those were difficult to print on such
printers.
In 1997, this document looks rather wimpy. It prints quite happily
on almost any printer manufactured after 1991, it doesn’t have any
color, etc. (I was even generous with the margins—5/8" all around.)
It does include some wonderfully ugly typography (some of the
typefaces are my own designs—no type is embedded here, it’s all been
converted to shapes.)
Reduced to 74% size.
Original file was just over 200k of data.
asterisks just for
alt.fan.warlord
readers
HELI LOVE
VET
ICA!
!
© 1991 James “Kibo” Parry
Kibo™ is a trademark of Kibo™
*********
*********
*********
womp-womp-a-doodah
305
GRaV TaR
L VeS
1996
beautifullest
contest!
HOW.signatrue
FAST IS YOUR COMPUTER?
,,,,,,,,,
C CK HERE
UN
COO AVA
APP E RUNS
$2,000 winner,
a
p r o f f e s s i o n a l
g r a p h i c s
C
R
A
T
C
WAAAAAAH!"
H
A
N
D
S
N
I
F
"On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!"
-- Jerry Garcia
-- Spot
"Dogs aren't ALLOWED?
F
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# oo #
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HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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|\
---*-| \
TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!!
-"""
\__|
\
/
: Qld : TAS \
/
:........
\
' SA : AA
:.......*|
x = Schenectady NY USA
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute?
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]
*****
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HELP ME NAME MY
*
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APPLE SE/30 WITH
*
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40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE
*
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*****
v
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I cant think of anything more to add!
This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the
length of this .signature's physical size.
[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS!
ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ!
##
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[murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"]
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v
v
v
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[David
[That FBI guy]
["J.R."]
Lynch]
^
^
/
|
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v
[donuts]
[Bobby in
[the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"]
=
the shower]
^
^
[sex]
|
|
|
/->[Monty Python's Flying Circles]
v
[bag
[lumber/->[Ted Bundy]
ladies]
jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy]
^
|
^
\->[Children]
|
v
|
[the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet]
evil twin]
|
v
And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor.
[alt.tv.twin.peeks]
^
^
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^
/
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v
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[Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts]
[drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs]
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\______________________________________/
^
v
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[Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic
[the log lady]
^
lights]
(here too!)
|
[walk with fire me]---> ^
^
[Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee]
|
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[Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos]
["Bob"]
[Dilbert]-->[Dogbert]
|
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\
v
v
>[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard]
_____________________________________________________________________________
My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius
"The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard!
/
IN 1992 / must wear slacks!
_________________________________________/______________/____________________
Best Skeleton Joke Ever:
"What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-)
_____________________________________________________________________________
I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack...
_____________________________________________________/_______________________
I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow
R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of
your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop!
_____________________________________________________________________________
MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD!
I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------\\\\\\\\\\
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AMIGA ONLY! \\
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_____________________________________________________________________________
_______________
| __
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| |\\
| | \ / ,__\
AIR SUPPLY
| "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a
| ||\\
| |_/ \ |
_ _ |
|
man!"
/ |
' | d
| || \\ | | \
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\_______________/
| \___/
i
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c d
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a u
| ||
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\\__//
| |
|
as seen on
BART
l d
|
\__/
FOX!
SIMPSON
e
| THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!!
_____________________________________|_______________________________________
^L
^L
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This is fun to read even if you haven't
seen the series. I like my chart, and
I've never seen the show!
HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
THIS IS NOT A SCAM!
This service is FREE!
Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling.
Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands
of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to
each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves
a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY
recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her
dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you
his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week!
Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA)
Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill
him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records"
for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of
postcards at the below address:
to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady.
[email protected]
_________________________________________________
[email protected]@uunet.COM
/ Kibology
/ Anything I say is my opinion,
[email protected]@bitnet.COM is better! /
and is the opposite of Xibo's.
__________________________/_____________/_____________________________________
"All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan
/
Bozos use anything but emacs!
__________________________________________/___________________________________
Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be...
________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________
I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_
_____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously.
Some days you
/ Klods * /
TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really.
just can't get /
for
/__________________________________________________
rid of a bomb. /
klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R
______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________
* Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native
Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh????
_____________________________________________________________________________
You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!!
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown
_____________________________________________________________________________
M E N S A
M E M B E R
# 1 6 3 0 9
Look for the white pin
_____________________________________________________________________________
I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast
Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all.
My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of
Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total
Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida!
Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career!
_____________________________________________________________________________
If it doesn't say PURINA, /
/ Bart Simpson and Charlie
bury it in the yard!
/
BYTE ME!
/
Brown are both GIRLS!
________________________/_____________________/______________________________
THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO"
PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT
MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF.
_____________________________________________________________________________D
|| _______________________________________________________________________ ||I
|| ||
|| ||S
|| ||------>
I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!!
<------|| ||C
++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L
|| ||------>
BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!!
<------|| ||A
|| ||------>
ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!!
<------|| ||I
|| ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M
||_________________________________________________________________________||E
_____________________________________________________________________________R
"BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown /
QUAIL SUCKS
__________________________________________________________/__________________
/
Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka
________________________/____________________________________________________
Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW!
_____________________________________________________________________________
All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez
___________________________/_______________________________/_________________
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! /
What's fahefergnugen? /
QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! !
_______________________/__________________________/__________________________
"The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody
says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman
_____________________________________________________________________________
If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't
mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________
____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years"
I hope you're enjoying
/
I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13,
reading this posting...
/
send presents! The day before Bastille Day!
_________________________/___________________________________________________
If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Hi [email protected]! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite
_________________/___________________/
baseball team? THE EXPOS!
Garrison Keillor is my hero
/
(rec.humor.funny)
___________________________________/_________________________________________
"Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK
_____________________________________________________________________________
"SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't
that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while
a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........?
_____________________________________________________________________________
Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a
bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott.
Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all!
_____________________________________________________________________________
"I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE
/ This space intentionally left blank.
(THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) /
__________________________________/__________________________________________
Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me
_____________/_____________________________________________________/_________
Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction.
_____________________________________________________________________________
|\
My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap
--- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago
___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow!
__|/_________________________________________________________________________
| "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our |
| hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!|
|___________________________________________________________________________|
Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the
_____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA).
I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________
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L_JJ
\__JJ
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET.
___
+-----+
/(()\
| VAX |
\__\|===+_____+
I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES
THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11
<--- THE TERMINATOR
"Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
(a personal friend)
TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11
I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- DILBERT
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TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD!
WOO WOO!!!!
HUBBA HUBBA!
YOW!
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
O
(.|.)
).(
( | )
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TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)"
_____________________________________________________________________________
R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW!
^L
Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq
lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat
nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf,
vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy
ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf
va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny
fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua,
Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl
nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba?
-- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff"
V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V
bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex:
AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!!
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NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!!
| _
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/\__o |
*|__\__/
/_ \_
"boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2,
5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each.
I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each!
MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by
William S. Burroughs. See--->?)
/
\/\/. \. Burroughs
/
I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
I watch Nick at Nite all day!
Xibo watches stupid soap operas!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
------------------------------------=----------------------------------------I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but
unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it.
-----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being
an alien, a government
agent,
a sexual pervert, or the
camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli.
Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner.
The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making
now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good.
SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP!
TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES
10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
9) "Dammit Jim!"
8) "Spit it out, man!"
7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!"
6) "Where's the beef?"
5) "They're BORN pregnant!"
4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed."
** send mail if you want the rest **
STAR TREK RULEZ!!!
________^_______
============= - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\
/ /
- - - - - - Write-in to Paramount
V
\
\_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - to keep them from killing Spock
)|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - in their next movie!!!!
|____________/ - - - - - - - - - -
My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford
one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for
you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs
this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;::::::::::::::
"HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!"
"THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP
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^L
WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!!
*******************************************************************************
MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening highmindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be
burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya
mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two
weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every
five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a
breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law
forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and
scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a
woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used
to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of
your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the
needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion
diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is
always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man
runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a
man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130
midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell
has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now
dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm
rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure
open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization:
Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a
rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we
have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the
Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've
piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows,
raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to
do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle
Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the
laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If
a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about
30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4
cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups
shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp.
salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of
a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis
and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually
perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the
wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable
opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change
the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate
Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol
_______________________________________________________________________________
THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST
MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE
BEST MOVIE EVER!!!
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HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK
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^Labor Day
^Sep 14
^Sep 28
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240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000***************************************************
**************************(.signature continued)*******************************
\
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* :NSW
/
\*
:/""""""\`..x */
----'
VIC\ *`./
""""
\"""/
.SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM
NT\*/
AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM
AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO
Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!)
AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!!
|
S T O P
C A S T I N G
P O R O S I T Y
|
(WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!)
+____________________________________________________________________________+
AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!!
Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called
AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!!
Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs?
AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!!
=============================================================================
AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!!
I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says
AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!!
Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag!
NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!!
Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's
AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!!
fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though,
AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!!
I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal.
AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM
AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________
AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
___________________/_________________________________________________________
"We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around."
-- Tom Brokaw
AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP
_____________________________________________________________________________
ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!!
"OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best
COPYRIGHT (C)
GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest!
COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994
_____________________________________/_______________________________________
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Fly KLM!
/
Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating?
TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!!
__________/____ Really!______________________________________________________
THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY
Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6)
FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION
_____________________________________________________________________________
OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT.
Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! /
NO FATE
AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!!
________________________________________________________/
I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost /
KNOW FUTURE
went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/
& 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O
_____________________________________________________/
NO DOGS ALLOWED
!!!!
"NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" /
________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______
I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW
WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!!
"If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL,
like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO
TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you
YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO
READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT
ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!!
that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY
ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the
----------------------------------------------------------------------------MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD
^L
and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE...
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.
with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE,
___
DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER
/(()\
doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child
\__\|
12/5/96
I m
NOTE TO SELF:
FIX THE ONLY
REMAINING TYPO!
-- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature.
Compliment... or CONSPIRACY?
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
AIX Commands Reference
RM, DELETE(1,C)
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AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY!
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Suggestions for index:
1)
Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for
it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers.
I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents.
Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord,
but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies,
can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good
painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No!
But I digress.
Hi there.
mathew
-----------From [email protected] Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992
Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT
From: [email protected] (Steve Berlin)
Subject: Re: your .sig
"It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame.
The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small."
- Mark-Jason Dominus <[email protected]>
Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature:
P.S.:
---------From [email protected] Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991
To: James 'Kibo' Parry <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration
From: Industrial Poet <[email protected]>
Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy
Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST
Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK.
the edn
THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350.
^L
^L
^L
^D
^D
^D
.
exit
stop
bye
^C
^Z
!sh
!ed
/exit
quit
q
/quit
~x
help
help stop
!help
logout
$signoff
write sysop "how do i stop this ???"
psot
post
^PÔ^S^T
12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX
DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!!
^L
-------\__/
|
* /
|_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX
ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
.....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley.....
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If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!!
one of
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`-'
``-.
o
/ |
o
O
.
`-.
/
.
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`--.
.
.-`------------
SYNTAX
Removes files or directories.
PURPOSE
RM, DELETE(1,C)
kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF!
/
I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK!
____________________________/____________________________________/___________
If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak!
But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour!
Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny
because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems
because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"!
Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"?
kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo.
aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes.
Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature.
Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay?
_____________________________________________________________________________
THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLYPOLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY,
ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM,
PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET,
GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK
THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE
CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE
IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR
QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------******************************************************************************
* NEW drawing!
*
* of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow!
*
*
*
*
___
*
*
/\/ /
====@====
///////// --------*
/
_/
``________//
*
*
/
/
`------'
------------*
/
/
*
* __===__ /
/
*
*/
\/----+---------------------------------------\______
*
*|
|
XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!!
\______________*
*|
|
/~~~~~~~~
*
*\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~
*
*
\ \
*
*
\ \
*
*
\ \
*
*
\ \_
*
*
\
\
NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!!
*
*
\
\
*
*
\/\_\
*
*
ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!*
******************************************************************************
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy,
Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo.
____________________
/
\
/
\
^______________/
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\______________^
\
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/ \
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| | o |
| o |
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BO\____|
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-ZO
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\ | / ______ \ |
/
\ |/_/
\_\|
/
\____________________/
|
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\----+-----/
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/\
/ \
/
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_____________/
\____________ (clown shoes)
"100% gist-free!"
fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Of course, all my old .sigs are embedded in this one.
^L
ibo” parry
james k
“ ibo”
[email protected] ,,,,,,,,,,,,
^ L
1996: Kibo’s PDF .signature
Adobe Acrobat software makes it possible to distribute any document that you can
print (from any graphic arts program) so that it can be viewed in color or black and
white, printed on any printer, etc. This means there’s no limit to how complex a
document you can give someone. (Witness this book.) There are still ways I can make
this .signature more bletcherous (such as embedding QuickTime movies), but you’ll
have to wait until the end of 1997 for the unveiling of the sequel.
I drew this in Adobe Illustrator 6.0. It’s formatted for 11x17 color laser printers.
(Iris and dye-sub printers work great too, if you work at a graphic arts shop.)
Some of this might be unreadable on a B&W printer. Reduced to 44% size (from 17" wide!)
Original file was ust over a megabyte.
This page MAY take a little while to print
or display, as it contains the huge file that
contains other huge files, and stuff.
Note that for this book I left out the handy
Java applet and the yellow Post-Its that
are embedded in this when it’s distributed
as a separate file.
and i love y-o-u too!
THIS .SIGNATURE IS COPYRIGHTED (C) 1996, DONT STEAL IT!
MY AWESOME S G
WAS MADE WI A
acintoSh I
world‘s
d e s i g n e r
306
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
JAMES “KIBO” PARRY
is a professional graphic designer & writer who obviously has
the ability to slap a no-budget book together in his spare
time. Despite this luminous career, he is best known
as the Internet’s equivalent of Max Headroom:
he shows up in random places, annoys
people, and says things that many
people consider to be
incomprehensibly
random.
Zing.
Kibo’s main interests in life include designing typefaces,
collecting & cataloging cheesy science fiction films &
TV shows, and documenting the entertaining
activities of wackos, perverts & bozos.
He lives in Boston, but was born in Schenectady, New York.
He is 29, and single, although it has been reported that
he is secretly married to actress Claudia Christian.
You can keep an eye on him in the Usenet newsgroup
alt.religion.kibology.
He is [email protected].

Best of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1996

Transcription

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