Bali Blog Part 5 The Birth of The EOF Project

Bali Blog Part 5 The Birth of The EOF Project (From April -­‐ Aug 2013) Authors Introduction note: Well, here it is, part 5 and yet again I highly suggest if you have not read the previous parts, that you do that first. Otherwise, it will be hard to understand the content. This blog was knocking at the door of my mind for a while, as all the blogs usually do. But, I have never really encountered a blog like this before; whereas most blogs take me 2 days or 2 weeks, this one has taken me 3 months. This was a very challenging blog to write. The blogs really do have a mind of their own. I procrastinated so much with this blog. I know this blog is messy, but I just had to put it out and be done with it, or it would have never been posted. I write all the blogs in my head first, people are surprised when they hear that, but to me its natural. I do not honestly know how to write any other way. Another thing that some of you may not know is that I have been writing blogs in this way since I was 23 years old, which was a year before I did the Project Camelot interview, which happened by accident. I am now 32 and have written many blogs prior to the Bali blog series, its all there, but not here on my website. I decided to just have the Bali series here. So, if you’re curious about my adventures before Diego and EOF, they can be found on my new blogger site. In the older blogs you can see I write the same, but of course I was caught up in lots of new age thinking and those writings can reveal how much I have actually changed. Those older blogs are actually rather embarrassing to me. So how do I explain this blog to all of you? The last blog is definitely my favorite so far as it was the first one I could write in a more clear way with less confusion. This blog is my least favorite, not because the content but, because of the grief I had to write and birth this one. Yes, as a response to many of your questions did my mom read Bali blog part 4; of all things, she was most annoyed about me outing her as a farter. Out of everything, its pretty funny this stood out and bothered her most. Part 3 has been a head-­‐trip still for so many, getting lost and distracted with the more out of the box stuff. I know I fell into that pothole too (just how much I will clarify soon enough, clearing the air on the things I shared so as to better understand the seeming contradictions.) It is important to understand; it does not matter what a person is able to do, what matters is how healthy their mind is. I sure do not condone getting lost in a person’s special effects or allowing them to think for you. Diego never pushed his perspective on me, he just challenged me to think in ways I had not before. Apparently thinking and challenging what you have been nurturing for years without question is considered as evil or manipulation; I say, according to whom? It’s so clear how much we defend protect and fight for the status quo. In the last blog I described it as a massive tidal wave, a tsunami sweeping me and everything I was familiar with away. I honestly do not think I would have made it had I not learned how to surf. You would think the tidal wave would be the worst of it right? So did I… I can say it’s not the case. You can ask people who have experienced a massive tsunami or any natural disaster and they will tell you the worst part is actually the aftermath, dealing with the dramatic changes, and in my case the psychological changes and aftermath. How does one go on after something like that? What next? It’s not like one can go back to how things used to be and forget it ever happened and such, things echo in your bones. In this you can see it’s futile and insane to rebuild the old and familiar in our psyche, to encourage old hopes and beliefs, especially if it was that old comfort familiar that beckoned and fueled the tsunami to begin with. This was one of the first historical patterns to break-­‐through; when destruction has come to their world, they just rebuild and the whole dirty thing of wars and confusion starts again. When you get the root you must start completely new so as not to recreate the past. Ha, easier said than done! We often talk about the deserted island and how we would all fair in such a situation, since most of our struggling appears to come from living with the contradictions and confusions of other people. We are not saying to go and be a hermit, away from everyone or anything like that. It’s more of a mental internal thing, can we do this psychologically first? This is what Diego means by psychological privacy; can we think without the influence and authorities of others? It does not matter what, whether it’s something we heard or think we know, it’s most likely not from us. Most likely, we never bothered to investigate and find out for ourselves. I had no idea how important this was, but I was soon to find out as the black rabbit hole was far deeper than I thought. So this blog is about the old versus the new and a better grasp on the psychological privacy that lead to the birth of the EOF. It is also about experiencing and living the EOF and the response from others, which is what has shaped into what it is today. Chapter 1: Breaking Old Patterns Due to the internet being lousy in Bali, the frequent power outages, not to mention the extreme heat of the afternoon, I developed a tendency to just zone out and be lost to staring at the grass or watching the bugs. I could not help but wonder at the world around me. My favorites were the small metallic jumping spiders; they are so funny and interesting to watch, like the moths that look just like wood, caterpillars that match the concrete and butterflies that have the eyes of snakes on their wings. Snakes do not eat butterflies, birds eat butterflies, and snakes eat birds. How does the butterfly know this? What does the butterfly know of the snake? Can the butterfly observer adapt and evolve with such an understanding? If a butterfly can do this can we not do the same with our psychology? Nature does not seem to fall into the same traps over and over again; instead, it counteracts and tries something new, observing its predators and how they work or evolving into something else. Humans seem to be left out in this way. It made me sometimes envious of the animals. They did not have to live and be stuck in the human world subjected to all our rules and confusion, like paying bills, etc. Also, an animal did not have to deal with its own self destructive nature. It’s interesting to observe when we step out of our heads and our world for a bit, and see all the worlds that exist outside of human’s silly confusions. To see the world as it is, not through beliefs. How can we observe or see anything with all of these conditionings in the way? I wanted to take time to think like Diego challenged me to. I wanted to observe how much I avoided doing this simple yet significant task. Why is it so hard to think? We seem to have time for everything else but thinking. Oh, the problems we could avoid if we could just think. But the sad thing is, not only do we not know how to think anymore, we do not even want to. The desire and willingness is hardly even there anymore, and these days we consider it boring. Diego finds thinking a pleasure; he calls it the only real pleasure because it’s the only pleasure that does not ask for more pleasure. So I took some time to think, to push myself a bit. But even with that I had to be careful, as I did not want to push or force myself. Otherwise, it would be like forcing a flower to open before its time. I would not force this and turn it into some military routine or drill, nor would I approach it with the the same mind-­‐frame as someone who becomes obsessed with yoga or meditation. To become so consumed is violent, counter-­‐
productive and psychologically destructive despite what we try to tell ourselves. I remember how people would always ask me for meditation tips back when I was a spiritual speaker. I was always asked if I meditate and could I come and join in on others meditation circles. I was always reluctant to meditate. It was always boring to me and with every attempt, it was as if some part of my mind knew something about this practice that I did not and I would always end up falling asleep and snoring like a tractor during meditation gatherings. I was not trying to silence my mind here or to shut the mind off: I was trying to think, trying to ask myself questions. I was determined to not settle for the usual answers that we often tell ourselves just to get out of thinking. I observed how my mind wanted me to just accept an answer and not think anymore, like religion tends to do. Spoken in between the words, the message we get is: now class, let’s do an exam; there is no need to study or think because every answer is god. No wonder we have a world of non-­‐
thinkers, we have been conditioned to be this way. It’s funny all this time I spent trying to understand Diego and see things how he does. I was so sure my life would be so much better when I would be able to see what he does. I convinced myself of so many things, such as in our relationship video. I called it ‘love from 3d to 5d’ thinking there was a point of understanding with all the knowledge and inner peace that it would make everything ok. But now I can see it was a fallacy, it’s just not true. Sigh, so many things we have been brought up to believe are mostly nonsense. I tried to sit with this but it made me more uncomfortable and sad. I never thought it would be like this. What should I do, continue to argue with Diego and try to prove him wrong about the confusion of this world and where it was leading just so I could feel better and go back to my old life? And what about my family? I was starting to feel more and more guilty about how little time I had spent with my mom while she was here, and I started to miss her. I started to miss my old home and my old life and the old Jessica I knew myself as. This sulking, over thinking Jessica is not me, I told myself. But how could I go back to my family when I could not even relate to them anymore? Should guilt or fear be the main reason to stay together? No, I was tired of these motivations behind my actions; even the most pleasant and best intentions were always laced in fear and confusion. But what could I do? I know if I went home it would be nice for a bit, but then I would want to get away from them again and then I would be away from them and then I would start to miss them and I just bounced back and forth like this for the last 10 years of my life. We are good and happy when the family is together, even if crap keeps happening. I really want to understand what that is about. When I was home I felt like an overgrown bird in the nest that kept leaving and coming back. But we all have to leave the nest sooner or later right? People find a partner and start a new life; it’s how things are, so why could I not get used to that? I hated struggling between this. Not to mention all that other time I had been away from my family had felt in vain as I was not helping the world after all, just encouraging its delusions. I felt the pull of wanting to recreate the comfort and familiarity of the past, but I knew I could not and that made me slip into a depression. This made me even further upset because I had not been depressed since I was 16. I was so proud to have overcome depression, that I had made some progress and moved forward, but now here I was on the snakes and ladders board game of life, I was doing so well then I landed on the snake head and slid down its body and now I am back at the beginning, which gave me a reason to not like myself again, blaming myself for letting this happen. ‘Oh come on, Jess! So only if you were drugged and on happy positive new age thoughts could you and others accept you? Now that you’re depressed again you can now no longer stand yourself?’ Then even more scary thoughts loomed up; whenever I talked with Diego fearful realizations sprung up like weeds. I never rid myself of my depression; I had just been covering it up all these years. I was not better. None of those spiritual speakers who claimed to be free of their depression thanks to their spiritual teachings, such as Eckhart Tolle or Byron Katie, were free from it at all; it was all a big fat hoax. Depression was still there trying to remind me of the things Diego was trying to convey to me, but I remember how I refused to listen, how desperate and stubborn I had become for a salvation solution. Does Diego work with depressed people or does his project make people depressed? Or is it that he brings out the depression we hide away so we can face it? I was 16, my sister had passed away, dad and mom were both sick and in the grieving process, unable to work or handle all the heartbreak and hard knocks that life had thrown at them, consecutively, relentlessly, one crushing defeat after another. Then I found out about David Icke and the Illuminati and realized just how badly we are screwed and trapped, how everything is set up to keep us caged in. It’s understandable that we just want to give up and say: “Why bother? Why care? Our species is done for.” We can see this, but the curious thing is many people refuse this fact and just continue doing what they usually do, all the while holding onto hope. Then there are those who need a reason as to why this is going on: they say it’s a conspiracy, it’s because we are special, it’s because other beings are afraid of us and so on, this is the category I fell into. There were so many naysayers, doom and gloomers, and Debbie Downers out there. I thought if the law of attraction is true and if so many are thinking and visualizing the world’s demise, perhaps that is what is bringing this about. Perhaps we are our own self fulfilling prophecy? So what if we all visualized and thought about the outcome we wanted for our species, then we could create it, manifest it, make it. Reading Anastasia only encouraged and confirmed that this idea I had was true. It was more than true to me, it was a sign that I was on the right track, that this is what I came here to do. I would bring joy to people’s lives, inspiring them and encouraging them in any way I could. The more I drugged myself with these ideas, even convincing myself I was a healer and so on, the more I was able to drug and convince others as well. When we convince ourselves of a lie, then it’s easy to convince others of it, and they sense it as truth or even love, but it’s still a lie that creates beliefs, illusions and thus delusions, which always leads back to confusion and fear. The law of attraction is a total lie invented to avoid the mess of peoples minds, to avoid reality. Since so many new age speakers teachings come from this, it’s just a pothole of more fear, always. Just because many people believe in the law of attraction and the ascension, just cause there are thousands of likes on facebook on these topics does not make it true; it’s not a collective evolution, it’s a collective delusion. This is the reason people are so into this stuff and follow it so passionately, and this is why it does not work and will never work. We cannot cover up reality, making it into what we want. When I realized this I felt like a little kid. No, I want to be right! No, I want to have reality my way! I want to feel good again, even if it’s fake! Before, I used to be able to bounce out of these states so easily but now I simply could not. I let myself get enveloped with missing the past, my old life, and crying often about it. I was also determined to not let Diego snap me out of it. I wanted him to know he had crossed a line and that something was profusely wrong with me and that I was never going to be ok and there is nothing anyone can do about it, which is a typical kind of thinking when we are down. When Diego talked with me I would just stare blankly at him as if everything had lost all meaning. I did not know or understand anything so I just responded to him in a mumble or a who cares, whatever, what’s the point? Why bother, everything is meaningless anyway in a kind of Eeyore or emo type way. I guess I thought by being this way with Diego that he would somehow feel my pain, he would feel bad for me and maybe even comfort me or tell me that everything is not all lost, that perhaps there is a silver lining in all of this after all. This can’t be it, this cannot be the meaning of life. Diego had no tolerance for this apathy of mine. So his response was the bucket of ice water on my head. “Ok, then go back to your family. If you want to stay in apathy then I suggest you pack your bags and leave, if you do not want to understand or inquire what is behind this apathy or what it actually is.” he said. Uh what, I was surprised he would say this because of all the times I pushed him to say this he never did until now. You're not a prisoner here, you always have a choice. But you always act like you don’t have a choice. You justify all your actions by not having a choice. Even by staying with your ex, you said you did not have a choice. You did, you just did not like the choice, you convinced yourself it was too hard, that being with him was not so bad. You used the law of the attraction to convince yourself to stay in a situation you hated, to call yourself stupid and believe that rather than free yourself of these concepts. You say you miss your family; you do not even know what family is. You do not miss your family, you miss a value. What about all the family that you had that you cannot remember? Why do humans just think of family through memory and from the years they lived. Can they not see the real family that is being neglected, which ends up bringing more confusion and suffering in one’s life?” “Well it’s not so easy for me, I’m not you Diego. I do not know how to think outside of memory or know of any other family. Just because you had a bad experience with your family and I had a good one, perhaps you're just jealous.” “I’m not jealous, not at all. Your family, like mine, still did not have understanding or real communication, just communication through pictures, ideals and beliefs. Almost every family system is this way. It’s not your fault or theirs, they are just recreating the old the pattern, the memories of the familiar, no matter how unpleasant and how much misery or confusion it can lead to.” “I’m sorry, I said, please forgive me, I will change. You just need to have more patience with me.” “Not if you're going to play these apathy games, convincing yourself to be that way always and living with me pretending that I am supposed to live with this, no way. You will never change. How many times have you said that to me? So why don’t you change? If you really want to change you can. If a person really wants to change they can, so what stops them from changing? Saying or hoping we will change is not the same as actually changing. Diego was actually quite upset. I have not seen him so upset before, it was shocking because I did not know such words would set him off like this, I thought I was patching things up but waiting for his move first to come and rescue me, which he did not. Instead he left me to see there was no enemy but myself and all these silly games I was playing with myself and him. At the time I could not see it as wanting attention but now I can. What made this even worse was that every time I got upset or picked a fight with Diego he would not feel well for the next few days, often he would be wrestling with a headache, as if my confusion was somehow hurting him, taking a toll on him. Diego went downstairs, I decided to follow him, wondering and wanting to see what he was doing. He had in his hand a kind of rectangle glass thing he found a while ago. He had drawn on it with markers, and glued some marbles and other stones to it. I asked him what it was many times, but could never understand what it was. I thought it was important though and had something to do with me. To this day I still do not know what that thing was or what the markings meant. But I do remember him destroying it before my eyes; I cried and tried to get him to stop but he would not until it was fully broken. I stayed for a bit watching the broken pieces, trying to process what just happened. How did it get to this? Why did this happen? Why did he do this? What does it mean? Does it mean he has given up on me? That it’s over between us? I tried to calm myself down, staring at the broken glass in total shock, bewildered and in disbelief of this action of his. What did it mean? I felt like I had lost some special opportunity that I will now never know about. I kept replaying the event in my head. It really spun me out, I remember feeling sick inside. Perhaps it was my own idea because I gave more value and merit to this thing, thinking it’s special but now it’s gone. Why didn’t I save the pictures and videos I made of it? I am not sure how long I stared at the broken glass thing before or how long it took me to calm myself down so I could go back upstairs to ask him the meaning of such actions. I had to be careful, I had to be attentive of my words, I could not let my apathy or grief or confusion speak for me, I had been doing that for too long and it just made things worse. “So I guess” I said in a low voice, “this means that you have given up on me and given up on us? I do not understand though, what do you want from me? Why am I here with you?”. At first he was hesitant to answer, then he said in a low voice too, “I thought you would be willing to understand that perhaps we could even create something together. “ “But I am willing to understand.” I said “But you can’t in that way, such as apathy for example.” Diego responded. “What do you want to create with me?” I asked “A project of some kind,” he said. “But how can you be so sure about me that I can do this?” I asked. “Do you really want me to leave? Because if you do I will pack my bags right now? If that is what you really want.” I said this while stepping closer to him to embrace him perhaps for the last time. His arms were crossed so I was not sure how to read him or what he was feeling or thinking. His response was a rare moment of him taking me into his arms and holding me, then he said softly “No, of course I do not want you to leave. It just seemed you kept pushing for this. I know it’s your pattern, but you're not reachable when you convince yourself of apathy thoughts to take you over and think for you, I’m sorry I was so hard on you, but I had to snap you out of it or just watch you destroy yourself with this apathy.” “I’m just scared Diego. You talk to me about this ‘End Of Fear’ idea, and I am with you, as your partner, yet I am so full of fear and such a mess I do not know if I ever will be able to handle fear like you do. I do not even know how to handle my own emotions and thoughts, I find it embarrassing. You know how we like to convince ourselves and others that we have everything together while inside there is a kind of quiet desperation, something eating away at us and the only way we know how to respond to it is to act like everything is fine, so we are fake with ourselves and then to others.” Then I remembered the breaking of the long rectangle glass thing, the memory was so intense it still haunts me and makes me shudder. But I know not to push the undesired unpleasant thoughts away. I know now how to sit in those thoughts from an objective and observer point of view, not to embrace them but to study and understand them so as not to be a victim of them. Writing these blogs helps to do just that for me, plus sharing this with you as if you were there with me. Witnessing not to make sense of things, because some things just cannot be explained, nor should they be, but just to be able to sit and see and ponder what is behind everything: these thoughts, words, and actions; why do we want to know such things? Why does everything have to have a meaning and be shaped through beliefs, ideals and knowledge? This is a subtle and sneaky psychological trap, so perhaps by sharing this with all of you it can give us a better gauge on our own maps of our mind. Perhaps Diego knew I would give such a value and curiosity to that long rectangular glass thing and perhaps he made it and broke it so as to get me to snap out of a terrible funk that leads to so many awful things such as self destruction and even killing our own observer. Breaking that glass made the old patterns inside me break too. Most people do not know how to deal with a person when they spiral into that state, nor can they get them to snap out. Not even therapists seem to not be able to help, nor do they seem to know what to do. If such thoughts are left undetected and festering in the psyche for too long, even if it’s just a single thought, then it’s a done deal for the person. The pattern of dismantling and breaking becomes so hard to get out of and some can find themselves trapped forever in that limbo. And one of the major culprits to this was the meaning and value I gave to that silly glass rectangle thing. How can such a simple thing steal my mind like that? How can it make us go so over the edge? All the deaths, suicides that have happened over ideas, values, and meanings that if we could observe for only a minute we would be like “what the hell am I doing?” Beliefs have done this for so long, dooming the human species and the planet not just to destruction but a psychological never ending limbo loop that can only be replayed out over and over until we observe, understand and dismantle it. We live in fear of losing our limbo. With all the wars we had to protect our limbo we never think we need to crack, break, and shatter the limbo. I could not sleep that night, my body would not stop shuddering with these chills and the emptiness that I felt in the pit of my chest and stomach. What was my body trying to tell me? When we ignore the mind long enough the body reflects and tries to convey the message in any way it can. Sometimes it’s pain, sometimes it’s unease, and yet we do not like this to the point we say it’s bad. Thus pain and unease we convince ourselves is bad, even an enemy, something evil to fight. Here we are being pitted against ourselves yet again with all the tiny subtle wars going on inside of us. How many little tiny cold wars can we detect going on inside ourselves? Pain is not bad, it’s a message that needs to be addressed to the right address–ah it’s coordinates that’s what Mr. Diego means by that. This coordinates he is always talking about, it’s communication but not the communication we are familiar with, but a communication with the other dormant facets of the mind, such as perception, instinct, sensitivity, visionariness, imagination, logic, intuition, memory and so on; this is also the real or original family that Diego often refers to as well. If we are not having a relationship with them, if we are not able to know that it’s not having a relationship, it’s that we are relationship, then we will continue in our confusion; but I am still trying to understand what it means to be relationship. It seems to Diego something crucial to understand the totality of the mind if one wants to dismantle and see behind the wall of the conscious and unconscious mind (both limbos). Is it normal that we have this wall? Why don’t people ask this? Or ponder why it’s there to begin with? And why do people glorify the unconscious mind when it’s just as trivial and petty as the con-­‐scious mind? Yes, we have been conned. So perhaps this tells me that there is not one wall but two walls to take down, one visible and the other invisible. But not just that, we have to understand that we are the prison guards protecting and constantly repairing these walls every chance we get. The first thing I wanted to do when Diego broke that piece of glass was to repair it. He asked me “why do you care about that glass piece? I thought he meant it as a test, not as an honest inquiry and question to ask myself. Chapter 2: The Other Side of the Wall All this talk about the wall reminds me of why I think Diego likes ‘Pink Floyd’ and many of his songs; in this case I’m referring to the song ‘Another Brick in the Wall.’ We are stuck in the wall as a brick and we strive and struggle to be in that wall, but the wall must be torn down. It’s surprising and perplexing to me how popular ‘Pink Floyd’ is, and this song that people do not think about or fully understand what he is getting at and still choose to remain so blind to the lyrics. So if Diego has always been aware of these two walls and has been spending his whole life trying to remind others about these walls and to think about these walls, to think about and understand the prison so as to get out, then he must have always been living outside the prison walls observing everyone inside trying earnestly to understand their psychology that keeps them there and so he can understand it fully, so as to never ever be stuck there or forget what so many tend to forget and neglect, all that they once knew. I remember I asked him one time about this, as he often used the metaphor of a movie theater people were in who yelled at the movie because they did not like it, rather than consider changing the projection from the projection room–not with positivity though. What is the point of yelling at the movie if we do not like it or even fighting and arguing with it? That only makes the movie loop and repeat; this is the limbo, this is what they do not think of. This is why the Law of attraction and thoughts creating reality does not work, because we cannot will the movie to change with our thoughts, we are only deluding ourselves in this way. The movie does not actually change because no one has considered the projection room. I had to disagree with Diego on this, “no people do think about this but they just are frustrated because they do not know how to go into the projection room or remember how it works so as to be able to do something about it.” I said. “No, they do remember, he said, but they do not want to remember or know. This is the problem. I like to try to observe so as to understand this peculiar psychology. The refusal to see or admit the problem so to keep it alive.” “Ok then, Diego,” I said, “so going back to the walls metaphor, if you have existed outside of these walls then how can I be here? Because I’m on the other side of the wall, I’m inside it, stuck like everyone else in the limbo. I also get so frustrated because I struggle so much in this bird cage as I watch you flying around free, and I envy you for it; you make it so easy and it’s not fair that one is caged and the other is not. Yes I am comparing but this is a kind of torture to see and want but not be able to fly. And yes I can see the danger of thinking it’s specialness and privilege in this way, and though I know these are primitive thoughts, I cannot think in any other way so these are my Cro-­‐
Magnon tools that I am forced to use and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I was born in Canada while some other poor kid was born in a poverty stricken war torn country. I do not understand how this can just be a projection or a collective projection forced onto the innocent and if that is not bad enough we have spoiled western people saying it’s their karma, which only perpetuates the suffering and conditioning. I cry because it seems like you can pick the lock and I can’t, I whined. “But jess,” he said, “I’m trying to show you how to pick the lock to. You actually are free from your bird cage, but for some reason after you fly around a bit you put yourself back into the cage and forget, then cry, and the free bird observes and tries to understand why. Why to herself does she lie and deny? Why spend and apply her energy on that rather than fly? Why does she not even try to challenge the self convinced lie?” “I do not understand, explain it another way please.” I implored. “Ok the wall metaphor,” he said, “picture yourself outside of the wall. You’re an observer as well.” But that is a lie, because I am not free; so how can that be, to imagine something like that? It's too upsetting? I’m not free, I’m stuck like everyone else” I whimpered. “No,” he pushed, “you're outside of the wall observing the others in a way that you identify and take everything too personally as if it’s you that it’s happening to as well. You lost yourself in them trying to help them; you have convinced yourself you’re on their side of the wall. Just like a person who watches a very engaging movie and gets lost in it, in that world in, those characters to the point in which they think they are them and everyone is those characters, they cannot tell the difference anymore. You called this empathetic, you thought you felt others’ pain as if it were your own, which is also a major factor that led you to becoming a spiritual speaker. You have convinced yourself that you could feel their pain and thus it was your pain too, and if you wanted to stop feeling others’ pain you had to help them, but this idea has made a mess in your life. This made you unable to watch or observe certain things, your emotions turned against you. You convinced yourself that psychological pain was not as bad as physical pain. When you watch a movie and see someone hurt in that way it makes you cringe and cower at the thought of such physical pain, but you neglected the psychological pain and the massive blind spot this produced in you. The psychological pain is what leads people to hurt others in the physical. This is one of the dangers to the observers; this is how they also get lost in the limbo, and is now a promoted trend and one of the many qualifications that must be on a spiritual speaker’s resume, to feel others pain. When we are feeling too much then we are not thinking. Why does it have to be one or the other, why can it not be both at the same time thinking and feeling? They are not two different things, they are the same, both come from the mind not the heart. We have been educated to separate the two, to play favorites with one or the other, thus we fragment the mind by only using part of it, which makes us into half wits. We have a whole mind, so why do we insist on using one half over the other? Fluctuating back and forth warring with these two parts of the mind not able to see the third point of the triangle, which is both sides and neither side at the same time and is actual thinking, not stuck and thinking just in one or a few thoughts which lead to walls and dead ends. When two sides fight the third side of the triangle stays hidden. The walls and labyrinth have never been real, but to know that is not enough because of the massive conditioning to constantly nurture the walls and confusion contradictions of the labyrinth. This is the war with our mind we constantly have, and what creates all problems and confusion. It’s because of this war inside the psyche that we see wars happening outside of us in the world today, the history of war is the history of our psyches’ confusion. If the mind is not confused then there cannot be any more war. The imaginary lines of country borders are the imaginary lines we have drawn inside the facets of our mind. In school the subjects are all taught separately, each is it’s own individual class, they are not all taught together at the same time like they should be. And what about the ‘UN, The United Nations?’ It’s an oxymoron, there is no such thing as nations; we made it up, it’s another mind invention. It’s really united in separation, this is why the UN does not and will never work, and I am willing to talk to any UN worker about that if they like. We cannot see this because everything in this world is set up to fragment our mind and not think, even our existential goals the heaven the ascension and so on have all been invented so we can no longer think and just be bliss zombies. We are told that to get there we must meditate, we must turn off our mind so we cannot see this clever trap, thus protecting and thickening the invisible walls all by ourselves. We cannot blame the illuminati for this, our psychology made them and encourage them. I will not say they are not there because they are, but they are not the danger we think they are. They are a machine we turned on and refuse to shut off no matter how much we do not like it. We cannot dismantle this from the outside with protests or meditations, it has to be dismantled from the root. People act innocent, always needing someone something to blame up the existential inventions such as the devil. They do not want to see their own bias. They hate that the illuminati controls them and lies to them but the people first control and lie to themselves and to others all the time. The illuminati did not create us, we created them, just like god did not create us we created god. The illuminati and the devil were invented by us for us to have something to blame, it’s rather convenient don’t you think? All because we refuse to think. We would rather let our illusions think for us, and we refuse to find out for ourselves. It’s our psychology and the value we give to beliefs that make the wars as you have noticed with yourself. Are people willing to see and detect every tiny conditioning and be experts of how they work, or will they just dismantle what they want and protect the others that they want to keep? Everything must be challenged and questioned if we want out of the limbo.” As he was speaking my mind was visualizing a young spiky black haired boy in the forest on the other side of the wall walking and there he sees a young girl sitting and watching the others on the other side of the wall and she is in a sort of daze, almost comatose in observing without these key factors for so long. The girl watched the people paint and decorate their prison in gold and designer print. She had been watching for so long she had disappeared into their world. How can one be a free observer in this way? How can one not get stuck in what they observe so as not to become what they see? How does one snap one out of being comatose? The boy cannot help because it’s the girl who is doing this to herself, she is not able to understand yet. She is not able to understand how this can be so. If the boy is not there, how can she do it on her own? Is the boy another projection of her mind so as to free herself? This is no fight club story, more like the dismantle club. How many others are out there doing the same thing? Surely this is the birth of time lines a kind of schizophrenic psychological chess game that can never be won if not temporarily. The only thing to do is to dismantle the game and understand why we even bothered to play or invent this game to begin with? Ah the thought behind the thought is the culprit. Can we think about our thoughts without the thoughts that created those thoughts? Yes we can, we must, but damn it, it is very hard. What have I done? How did I turn my observer self against my self? How did I become possessed to take that treasure of gold that I had into a black smith booth to melt the treasure so as to make it into a sword? What kind of insane alchemy is this? The product of confusion birthed illusion. The boy was trying to get the comatose girl to snap out of it. He wants to show her a house in the forest covered by brambles bushes and thorns, a house she has not been to in a long time, a house she has neglected and forgot all about; a house that was a place of psychological privacy where none of the confusion can touch her. This made me think about my thoughts without the thoughts that created those thoughts. I don’t want to let my mind be lazy and give up so easily saying it’s hard or that I do not know. This is the lazy mind talking, I know it’s not me. This is not a game, this is not philosophy, this is not an entertainment; it’s our life, it’s our mind we are gambling with here. With the way Diego talked, it made me think he had some kind of an idea in mind. I mean, what else could he mean by he wants me to understand so as to create with me. This thought intrigued me and also helped me take a step outside of this funk cloud I was in. Chapter 3: Mission Impossible It was a scorching hot day and Diego was in the yard observing the pond. I was sitting in front of my computer on the bed trying to work but I could not get anything done, I had a splinter in my brain I had to ask him about. “What do you want to create with me?” I queried. “Look at this plant you and your mother brought and put in the pond”, he replied. “Yes, I see it. I liked this plant, it seems to float on the water as if those balls it had were full of styrofoam. It makes me think that the plants having to live with people polluting so much, dumping all kinds of things such as styrofoam, gave the plant an idea to make its own version of styrofoam so as to stay afloat.“ “Perhaps yes,” he said, “but they grow really fast and can easily take over the pond, suffocating all the other life in it, which is why I put down this red string so they will stay only on one side of the pond. But nature, refusing to be controlled, will always find a way. So you see here how they have evolved a way to get past; rather than rising up out of the water it’s going back down into the water underneath my red string so as to drop a seed on the other side of this red string. The plants will not self-­‐destruct because they are trapped, they will evolve and find a way. That’s what nature does, and people are nature too. But they seem to forget this and separate themselves again. Because of this they are unable to evolve in the way that everything else does. If we observe we can see how many things are trying to hint at us.” “Yes,” I said, “I can see that.” While we were having our conversation, a squirrel fell from a very tall palm tree. It was really an odd sight to see, this squirrel falling from so high up. It was like a wily coyote slow motion falling from a cliff. Shortly after, the squirrel climbed back up the tree. How did the squirrel survive such a fall? Surely if it were a person it would be dead. “It’s kind of embarrassing” Diego said, “Here is our species is fighting, lost to their petty dramas and commercialism, meanwhile the squirrels are understanding how to fall from high distances and not be harmed. They are preparing themselves to evolve into something that glides or maybe even flies one day.” This got me thinking, so Diego decided to continue on. Perhaps all these metaphors would help me to understand the question that I had asked. “Consider all that nature does that is impossible, constantly pulling the rug out from under our feet on all we think we know and understand. Why? Because nature never lost touch with its innocence, its sensitivity, its imagination. Nor has nature ever cared what others think, our ideas, conditions, limits, borders, or rules about what reality is, how it works, what’s true and not. Nature does not care about what we think is impossible and neither should we. If nature can do it, so can we; we are nature too, did we forget? Nature does not spend its time intellectualizing, it’s too busy creating and defying laws. Creating its own worlds co-­‐creating with itself and all of the natural life.“ “But Diego,” I said, “isn’t it a kind of mission impossible to have people dismantle their confusion so as to understand and be able to avoid the many intertwining hypercube limbos that come from beliefs?” “Yes,” he answered, “it is definitely a mission impossible but at least we can try. Why throw away the seeds when we can plant them and see if something will grow in the concrete. Surely you have seen those tiny plants growing in the concrete and the trees that destroy the pavement? What about a project like that? This is how I envision the EOF project.” He had this idea for a project for a long time, pretty much his whole life. It only got to be more realized in college when he was given an art center to run. He managed it in a way so that people who wanted to, could talk about their confusion and fears as well, and for a while everything was going very well until the funding had fallen through and the art center was closed down, but that did not stop Diego from holding onto this idea. And then for the first time since the first interview I did with Diego about his EOF project, we talked again about it in a way that made me take a second look and consider actually working and doing something with him and this project. I no longer saw it as just his project but something we could do together, something I could help him with. What stood out to me the most from what I can remember is that there was a familiarity with this project, some things that he talked about and suggested were very similar to ideas I had had all my life and were on my list of things to do. I’m the kind of person who has many ideas but does not know how to bring them into fruition or how to finish them. I can start a project but I could not finish it. I’m like my dad in this way, he also had so many ideas that often times it did not matter if one idea did not work, he had hundreds of others he could try and see how they would go. After a while it did wear down on him, the pressure to make something work or else the family would starve and maybe your kids would see you as a failure is a doozy that I feel also ended up killing him. When I thought I had freed myself from my depression I ended up having a lot of ambition and wanted to accomplish so many things. Most likely that was to cover up that I was still depressed. I did not want to be that anymore. I was bored with being depressed but since I did not know how to fully free myself of it I did what many do: cover it up, make yourself busy so you have no more time, attention and energy to think. I feel Robin Williams and many other comedians or highly driven people have done the same but no matter what we do, the part we ignore eats away at us. It also always gets in the way of making things work. So we dedicate ourselves to making others feel better so we do not have to think about ourselves and what’s really going on, which is why Diego says to dismantle and understand it has to be done in a selfish way but not in an inconsiderate negligent way. As we are the ones that are sentenced to live with ourselves 24/7 we cannot escape this by living through others or spending all our time with other people if we do not understand our own psyche first and foremost. This will create a fragmented relationship with ourselves and thus with others always; it’s a mathematical certainty. We cannot be afraid to be alone, afraid to think. We have been conditioned to be afraid to be selfish, otherwise we are not a good person, but it’s not fully true. The selfishness he is talking about does not bring more problems or fights, nor does it mean that we are putting our superficial greedy needs first, but rather a clearer understanding to be able to see your world and others and yourself without belief filters in the way. This always puzzled me: why don’t things work out as we expect? What’s really in the way? And why do we need so much motivation and self help to accomplish something only to watch it crumble shortly after and relationships are no exception to this either? No matter what we do, things just don’t work out. The human species is failing and has failed a lot, yet we are not experts because of these failures like nature is, in which it evolves from its failure and as for us, well we seem to ignore our failures and do the same thing over and over again. Why? We are not experts in our confusion or failures? Why do we instead identify with it to the point that we become it and start to think it’s us and so history repeats itself in a vicious limbo? However, I did not think of these things the way Diego did, and when I was younger there was a lot I did not see or just totally missed, but whenever he spoke there was always some ring of familiarity. I tried to tell myself that things would have been clear if it were not for the new age, be positive, do your best conditioning getting in the way. For example, with projects or ideas I became very interested in how they could change the world. I thought that the real problem was that people had this potential to have a great idea but if they do not act on it or if they are never given a chance to expand on it then the world gets deprived of something potentially wonderful. Of course, I just looked at the positive side of it, assuming every idea a person had would be a great one. That it would make the person happy and thus others, which would make the world a better place. I did not consider that some people are insane and their ideas can be insane as well. (Ah, I cringe now at how I used to think and say to everyone to ‘go for your dreams no matter how crazy they are.’ People were even paying to talk to me, and I would share such things like this. One of my clients was even Dr. Amanda Noelle that Diego and I constantly use as an example to expose the new age spiritual insanity. She now uses ‘go for your dreams no matter how crazy they are’ as a slogan and will not listen to anyone who will tell her to consider that this could be something very dangerous. I can now clearly see how my ideas and messages have created so many Frankensteins. I cannot undo their thinking, but try to get through to the followers and the people who are just standing by watching everything play out. This blog is actually a lot about the many Frankensteins that have come to us attempting to mix the spiritual motivational mumbo jumbo with the EOF project. This happened because people assumed that Diego and I were promoting the spiritual ways but were expressing it in different words. I know so many think this, even I did, but now I know just how wrong I was. Ok, so back to getting to how I used to think about ideas and dreams. I felt we needed to figure out what was in the way of going for our dreams. It seemed to me that people felt like they did not have the time, the energy, the confidence, the money or even the man power to bring about their dreams. This would discourage people and they would give up on their ideas altogether, putting them on the dusty mantlepiece in their brain of the many dreams that were already there to be forgotten forever. Maybe sometimes that’s a good thing, imagine where we would be if everyone’s dreams came true, even the insane people? There is a spiritual quote right now that is a major trend and that is ‘the universe is infinite possibilities, we are infinite possibilities’ to which I have heard Diego say this, “thus we have infinite possibilities in stupidity as well.” And Einstein even once said 'two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.' I remembered being afraid about people’s dreams being forever forgotten. When I was a kid I spent a lot of time with the elderly since I had no friends my own age, and I saw how much regret they had. All the things they had wanted to do but never did, so they spent their life wondering how their life would have been had they just gone for it, only to later die and be buried with so much to give to the world that had never made it out; it was like a kind of buried treasure to me. So this made me think.. if I could not get people to go after their dreams/ideas/projects, then maybe they should put them up for adoption and give them to someone else who wanted them. Rather than just push their dreams onto their kids who would feel like they had no other choice for fear that they will not be approved of, loved and accepted. All of this for what, so that the parents can live their dreams through their kids not as they actually are but by ideals they will one day do, already planned out in their parents’ heads? Only to find that both the parents and kids are miserable and that things have gone terribly wrong as if it’s all been in vain? How can that pattern be avoided? Before I would have just said, like the new agers often say, it’s all meant to be and a part of the divine plan. I said those things not because I actually believed it, but because I wanted to believe it was true. If all we had to do was believe in these things and they could be true. Then I thought, why not try and see, what else we have to lose? I received a lot of self-­‐confirmation, especially when I saw how much saying something like that cheered people up, but this would only last temporarily. The temporary ‘feel good mantra fix’ would become our addiction, the high and the lows. The roller coaster of existence was normal, we called it life and just how things are, so we should just accept and get used to it. When being told this, it would bring about a fight within and a rebellious refusal to accept that this is just the way it is. But after some time, the weight of the world crushes our spirit and so we give up and eventually become like everyone else, in hopeless frustration and quiet desperation. At the age of 24 that had not happened to me yet, I was still resisting and trying to find a way to fix and explain everything not just for myself but also for others as well. So I took it upon myself as a kind of responsibility, that since I represent the younger generation we were a kind of hope for humanity that could save the day, another new age trend. Who cares what mess you make, your kids are special and divine crystal pistol, indigo diamond lotus children who will mend what was torn; they have come to fix it for us so we do not have to. I did not even like being told I was a crystal child, aside from the label there was the responsibility that went with it as well. Many encouraged me, supported me and felt I could do it; they saw me as noble for taking this on. So I just went with it until one day it took over my mind and started thinking for me. First came an idea for a project I had called Inspiration to Creation, where good ideas get adopted and adapted. I felt there were two kinds of people in the world; people who had lots of ideas, but did not know what to do with them, and people who had no ideas but who knew how to get things done. I wanted to bring those two people together so the ones who had no ideas could adopt ideas from the ones that had lots of ideas. Since I myself was in the first category with lots of ideas yet not knowing what to do with them, I decided to find people who were doing interesting projects in the hope that I could learn how they were able to organise and do them. This was always something so interesting to me, something so appealing to start a project from scratch and see it through from start to finish. That’s what also got me involved in the new age, I would help people in any way I could with their projects so that maybe they would one day help me with mine or at least give me a better understanding of how and why things do not work. I even had drawn up a kid’s version of inspiration to creation. I had a layout plan and everything on how it would work. The kids would have their own boardroom-­‐like meetings, voting on one idea, and then they could all work together to bring the idea about. People just need to know how to tangibly bring ideas into fruition since adults do not have the time that kids have. So why not put the kids’ energy into something productive rather than have their energy being used toward destructive behavior? I felt kids were being destructive because they were frustrated that they were not being heard or understood, not to mention not given any merit for anything they say because after all they are just a stupid kid, what do they know? So of course with this being so heavily projected onto kids it becomes something of a self fulfilling prophesy that they act out, thus being lost like the adults. If they could be heard and understood then maybe we could avoid this, which was the basis of the project. My major inspiration in doing this was a book I read long ago called ‘Stick Your Neck Out: A Street-­‐Smart Guide to Creating Change in Your Community and Beyond by John Graham’
I remember so many said it would cost lots of money to do a project like this, but I had found a way around this by pitching the idea to the boys and girls clubs’ youth centers, in which the parents could have the option of, rather than putting their kids in sports, dance, and day camps for their kids, having them work on developing their understanding of the inner workings of ideas, thus leading to confidence and feeling more prone to using their energy constructively rather than destructively. It was a good idea in theory that I had, but it was still pushing being positive, thus there would still be no understanding at the root of what is behind everything. So in this way you can see how I was so close and yet so off with EOF understanding even when I was a young ragamuffin. I feel if I share how I was thinking at that time, old projects of mine that I have now integrated and hybridized with the EOF project, and why the project appealed to me, it may give others insight and help understand the project and the thoughts behind the thoughts that brought it about. The EOF is a very vast and complex project. It was always a great challenge being asked to explain the project in short, and why we say it takes a year to understand the project. I had 96 projects in my brain that I wanted to do and I saw that with joining the EOF all of them could be done through the EOF which was very appealing and exciting to me. Diego also had some know how on how to get things done. He always was patient with me. He was willing to teach himself anything he did not know. Neither of us are conventional in any way. We both have this thing where we cannot do things just for marketing purposes. Our project will never be presented like a quick commercial, which is why our website is basically our own free expression where we do things how we would like to do them, and not how others think it should be done so as to be more popular. This has been a quality that has hindered and helped our project. People are more comfortable with the conventional, something outside of the box is immediately poo pooed upon when it’s just us wanting to be free to do things our own way. The project is about being free, so we of course have to reflect that with all we do, but in our case it’s not something we are and have always been. I did not really know how to work with a person directly in such a way. Most of the times I would help just indirectly or just see what I could assist with here and there, but the EOF and Diego was a whole new ball game. I was full of questions; if I were to work with him I needed to get clear on this vision. What are we proposing to do? How we can do it? What is going to hinder us, and how do I work with someone like Diego? How could we compliment each other? I know Diego had not really worked with someone in this way before either. So this was something new for the both of us. The EOF for the most part had been around since 2010, with Diego running it on his own; however, it had actually been with Diego all his life. Diego is used to being a one-­‐man band playing all the instruments whereas I who had no experience, just curiosity, interest and drive, and was not sure how I could fit in or help exactly. Yet he was so sure that I could do this. I just had so many uncertainties of how exactly to go about this and be complementary with Diego; for example, I could not edit his writing and he could not edit my writing, which made me wonder, if people are not familiar with our writing style then how can we expect others to understand the project? Both of us having our own uniquely developed writing style can put people off just because it’s something they are not used to or just simply they do not know what to make of it. Our videos continued to reflect this unconventional way of expressing ourselves, Diego’s personal style and my image with hints from a past of newage, feminine expressions which evolved with my psychological dismantling. At least, I presumed it looked that way because he understood the project whereas I attempted to understand and translate to others so they could understand, but i came off a bit too rudimentary. When I did know what I wanted to say I said it too fast, which only confused people more. How could I explain what I had yet to understand? It would always just be my idea and not what it was. So my confidence was often nil when talking about the project, I would lose my words asking Diego to come and explain. This did not necessarily help because of his thick Italian accent the words he invented or used that no one had heard of before. Not to mention how he perceives words, it’s not how the majority of people perceive or know words. This is mainly because people have been educated to assume or overlook etymology, thus making people often unaware of the underlying meaning. And these are just some of the many things not going for us that made this project incredibly challenging. Another factor was that we were challenging everyone’s beliefs and comfort zones to the point that people could not see this working. We were often told to tone that part down a bit and the project would work, but we refused because we knew this was the whole point of the project. When a person finally understood The EOF Project they would freak out because they could suddenly see how massively conditioned we are to the point that it would often seem like too much for them and so they would jump ship as soon as they could. Another thing we encountered when we proposed the project was a common response such as, ‘a project about thinking...how boring,’ or ‘but not having a belief is a belief in itself’, which was a classic rhetorical answer we would get from people. I remember thinking about this in the early stages, often a response like this comes from not considering or understanding what a belief system actually is or why it could be a problem. We often think we have to respect all beliefs, not realizing we are unconsciously respecting violence and confusion. We have been suppressing ourselves for millennia in the name of illusions that we call our beliefs, ideals, god and spirituality. It’s not that we are excluding just religions but all beliefs, not that beliefs are bad. Beliefs on their own are fine. The problem comes when we do not question or think outside of our beliefs. When we think we are our beliefs, thus letting them think for us, then we get very protective and irrational about anything that challenges our belief, which then can easily make a person violent and unstable. This is not a theory or an exaggeration: this is history, this is a fact, this is life, this is our conditioned mind. There is no logical, rational, intelligent, self-­‐realization or understanding in gratifying ourselves with and through acts of yearning and believing in abstract speculations built up on & by illusions. There is only self-­‐perpetuation of irrationality, with its everlasting weight of fights, antagonisms and human miseries. There is a whole gambit to be said that is in between the lines and behind beliefs that we cannot see. Rather than explaining it here, I will just put a link from our website on understanding beliefs and what they actually are and why it is important to dismantle them here. http://www.jessicamystic.com/dismantling-­‐belief-­‐systems.html You would think someone with an academic background would be able to understand our project but sometimes such a background can hinder due to the way they are educated and conditioned with beliefs. An example of this would be a well-­‐known psychologist in Milan Italy; she has known Diego for many years. It had taken her two years to consider the possibility that a project could be realized without a technique or method, which is almost unheard of. This gives a good indication of how stubborn our beliefs can be and why it can take a long time for a person to be able to understand. When I heard this, my thoughts were: ‘great, who is going to commit that time to understand a project?’ However this psychologist often shared with Diego that what they were being taught in school was not working. She had many clients but was not able to help them, and on top of that she had her own life and mind to figure out. She liked EOF because she knew that there was a big piece missing in the psychology field, but she also knew how stubborn the academia is to consider something like what we were doing as it was out of their comfort zones as well. On top of all this we were radical and did not have a degree in psychology, but do we need a degree to understand our mind? Shouldn’t everyone, even kids be given a chance to understand their mind and confusion? How can we function or get anywhere if we do not ever inquire into these things? This EOF had opposition in every field, as every field had its own conditioning. It was daunting. How do we start? Where do we start? Sometimes I would push Diego to make flyers and try putting out some offers around our town of Ubud, but he always procrastinated about this for some reason. As if he was waiting for something or was aware of what would come from it that I was unable to see since I thought in a positive way that was not always a realistic way. It’s actually frustrating lots of times to work with Diego because I was so used to being a motivational person; ‘a carpe diem’ person who life coaches, mentors and pushes people to get stuff done right away, but none of that approach worked even one iota on Mr. Diego. And since I could not budge him I would end up feeling demotivated and stuck with nothing left to do but to be reminded of my depression. If I brought this up to him he would say, “do not push your depression away, use it.” “Ha, easier said then done. I have no idea how to use it to help me, it only seems to hinder me.” I grumbled. “No,” he challenged, “it’s there for a reason. The worst thing you can do is ignore, fight or suppress it, then you're just being violent with yourself again. It seems like we are afraid to be depressed as if it’s a taboo, so we think we must be upbeat while maintaining this stigma; while the anxiety and depression are lurking in the corner just waiting to pounce on our psyche and bring it into the abyss. Perhaps this is why the spiritual people are always pushing for what they think is the opposite of that, which is bliss. But a depressed person is in some ways more alive than the ones who have accepted their lives, conditionings and reality as is. Those are the ones who seem to be lost or the living dead/clones. A depressed person is at least more honest. They have their perception rebelling and this makes them closer to discovering their flower/fuel of discontent, not to be mistaken with discomfort, which is a totally different thing from discontent. Discomfort is more of a personal identification with one’s beliefs and conditioning, whereas discontent is about being an observer of the pain and insanity to see it for what it is and to never accept it. To not be able to be consumed by others’ pain or their own pain to the point that they are not able to think and will do whatever they can to stop it, looking for solutions without thinking or understanding the problem fully. Or the other extreme, to be shut off from the pain so they are totally desensitized/numbed to it that they cannot perceive or feel or understand or think. People like this do not want to think; they would rather fight and die for their beliefs instead of thinking and questioning them. But if a person can see and fully understand that they are not their depression, they are not their thoughts, their past, their memories, or what they have accumulated in their life, then they can see they are a product of an insane society, an insane world. How can you not be depressed being forced to live with this? We are told the meaning of life is to be happy no matter what, but are we sure? or is this another conditioning to keep us stuck living something that is not natural and is going to distract us from our intelligence yet again? No animal is happy all the time nor do they strive to be happy, as that alone would be a problem; the pursuit of happiness is an illusion. We have a plethora of emotions and each one is a helpful tool when we do not use them to manipulate and abuse. We are not here to be happy 24/7, we are here to be attentive and curious, to never lose our self-­‐observation, so that we can evolve. Imagine if an animal made being happy more important than it’s natural intelligence; it would then fall for every trap, it would be psychologically blind, and this is what we are doing when promoting these ideas without thinking fully about what they mean exactly and where it will all lead. How is it that we have been depressed and confused for years, even throughout history, yet we are not experts of it by now or of our depression? Could it be because we refuse to understand, always denying and pushing this away every chance we get, that we have become slaves to our confusion? Is this how we have overlooked it all these years?” “So this is what you mean to do with people who are depressed, and what, it will just magically go away just like that? poof?” I asked. “No,” he said, “it’s not something that will go away overnight, but slowly, the more one focuses in on observing and understanding depression and confusion, seeing how it works right down to the roots, then slowly but surely the intensity will recede. Then depression will no longer work against them but turn into the fuel and flower of discontent that is what is needed to exit the psychological limbo.” In thinking more about the limbo, the bubble that each confused person is making and spreading in which we suffer forever with the same confusions/irrationality sounded so much like what religions call hell. Funny how they are so afraid to go there. Doing what they can to avoid it, all the while not realizing that where they are now is a kind of hell and all that they are doing, feeding their beliefs, is only encouraging and perpetuating it. It’s actually very obvious, why can’t others see it? Is hell/heaven really worth fighting for/against? Because that is all we get when we fight; wow, we really do have everything backwards. I can understand how this is something necessary to do for a project. It sounded good to me, perhaps others could see the necessity of such a project as well, or would it upset them? People do not take kindly to their comfort zone being challenged. So it will most likely be for the very few, this project, but it would be nice for the people who are willing to understand to have a place to go and meet with others who feel and think the same. A little space of a place one can go to without confusion, or at least the willingness to inquire about their confusion without being exploited or having some belief or routine pushed on them. I could imagine a project/place that promotes psychological, social evolution and a deep, solid inquiry into confusion/irrationality. Where there are no masters, hierarchies, teachers or students, no gurus or straight rules or categories, instead just a co-­‐working and co-­‐understanding within the foundation that can be done and spread anywhere in the world. In asking Diego more about the project, he said, “the best way to understand this project is to first understand what it’s not. For example: it’s not a political movement, It's not aimed to teach, nor to suggest any doctrine or rules of new identities. It doesn't promote a new “lifestyle and it’s definitely not a religious or spiritual movement, nor a sect. It is not a lucrative entity or initiative. It does not belong to any “new age,” spiritual, religious, political or ideological vision of existence. It does not belong to any sectarian belief, religion or religious movement, and is not aimed to create new ones. It’s not a “brain-­‐washing” or a “spiritual school” or a “reprogramming of the mind,” neither is it a hierarchical structure.” I thought it would be nice to have a place like that. As nowadays it seems like most places have a hidden agenda to indoctrinate others to their belief or make a profit. This is what has always bothered me with the majority of charities and organization, they seemed to always be backed by these things, or have some catch. Even the AA organization, it’s a place a person can count on for help and support. It often attracts people who are vulnerable and desperate; because of this, there is no inquiry as to why they suffer from addiction, or what addiction actually is. So, they end up being religiously indoctrinated. They go from an addiction to alcohol, to an addiction to god, so the problem is not fully gone it’s just replaced with another addiction. But addiction is still an addiction and this new addiction to god is all about conforming to what the masses deem as normality, which to me is like a lobotomy to the brain. It’s frustrating to see people really have nowhere to go and often become more lost in the addictions that follow. When my family and i were about to become homeless again I had to go to the church for help, and when they asked me have I accepted the lord jesus as my savior I lied and said yes just to make sure they would help us and not reject us or push their beliefs on us. We live in a world where we are liked and accepted if we believe what others believe. If we do not like or accept what others believe we at least have to respect it, but to respect it is to encourage this conditioning to continue on, so it’s like a catch 22 in which we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Most places are centered around a belief, even the academia world has its rigidity that it does not want to question or explore. A cult is based around one belief, but what about a place that does not have that but questions everything, just questions and detangles all the psychological mess so as to see clearly the blind spots in our psyche? A place with no leaders or hierarchy to follow, to just be free to think, to question, to explore rather than to obey and follow mindlessly or be in fear of punishment or what others will think. It seems to me that this is something we had when we were kids, but that we later lost when the fear and conditioning came in, such as we can not do anything right, or that we do not know how to be in this world so to be safe. We were told we should follow, copy and obey, or force and control, thus we will always be safe and no one will be able to hurt us. We were told how to be, what to think rather than how to think. This is why we were so rebellious as kids, we were rebelling for psychological privacy, which is the ability to think without beliefs, or rather others’ ideals in the way all the time imposing themselves into our private world and in turn forcing us into a self inflicted prison of utter confusion. I have always been curious about this process, how it all started. How did we all get this way? How and why did we allow it for so long? How could it have gone on undetected all this time? I can see how this is something very pressing to do, and why Diego would say things like: time travel can wait, we have something more important to do first. The crushing realization is that if we do not do this then the whole pattern will continue to replay itself and we will keep inventing new illusions to escape and justify all the insanity in the world. It seems like everywhere I turn that is all I see. There really is just so much confusion that comes from our existential hierarchal authority figures such as god, or the devil, or even aliens, ascended masters, and so on. It’s clear how just having them there in our mind at the top of the pyramid creates a kind of paralysis in the mind. Unable to think past this as if the mind is conditioned to have an end all be all, as if it thinks it cannot function without this. In the new age field a person is considered not very evolved if they see god and the devil as enemies, to them they are the best of friends. I remember entertaining such thoughts as well, but when I brought this up to Diego he brought this concept to another plane that I had not considered. “They are all confused/irrational, even the gods”, he professed. “They have no sense of humor, they cannot even laugh at themselves or when their creation tries to be humorous. No, it’s always a bloody death and punishment and fear. How can we understand fear so as to dismantle it if we have god in the picture? It’s an oxymoron, god and dismantling; they cannot go together. This is because god, all the gods, and archetypes, are the fulcrum of confusion, that is why they must all be dismantled, or at the very least questioned and challenged. It’s not something we can go to right away, it’s too ingrained in our history and the protection mechanism in the psyche to keep this belief safe. It’s like an intense time bomb, it must be handled delicately and precisely. However, the gods are more than welcome to do the EOF project if they like so they too can be rid of their confusion, not to mention all the confused aliens as well. Each person is the project; they become the project by doing it. It is up to each person if they want to inquire in their own confusion or not, so to be free from it once and for all.” “But Diego,” I voiced out, “it’s very presumptuous of you to think that your/our project could be needed even by the gods, many would say that is arrogant of you to say such a thing, they would say who are we to dare question the gods.” “It’s not my opinion,” Diego asserted, “that they are confused, anyone can see it when they are not so heavily conditioned. It’s mainly because we are again told not to question god, they are high up and beyond you and everything they do is perfect and mysterious and not for us to understand; but that’s like being told the same thing about the government, but when we dig a bit we can see all the dirt and lies. We should question all the authority figures; it does not matter who they are or who we think we are, as long as we do not question them then it all continues to stay hidden. People are afraid to question them because of the fear that has been saturated in us throughout history, the pain and torture that has been done to anyone who dares to question or think. This is why so many people are so afraid to think. You can read the bible, any bible and see how confused god is, how many people he has killed for the most ridiculous reasons. You can see how petty, and psychotic, insecure, racist and sexist he is, yet here we are wondering why the world is so confused and violent. I know, perhaps we should pray, as if that ever worked. It’s no coincidence that the word predator and prey are so similar to the word pray, actually the word pray means to set up a trap, a trap for our mind when we pray. In a way Jess you were right with your old slogan, we are the answer to our prayers; if we are attentive we can see and free ourselves from our own invented traps.” I shuddered at the thought of how many people strive to be just like god, or to be god-­‐
like in the hope to be an ideal of how they think it is, or how others told them it should look like? But instead we do end up embodying god like qualities, it’s just not the ones we want to see or admit. Instead we wonder why we are this way and why we keep getting involved with people with the same qualities. If this is questioned it’s usually just met with the response “god works in mysterious ways”. Indeed we see things as we want to see them, even how we want to see god, rather than how things really are, or how the gods really are. So we spend all our time and energy trying to do and be what we think god wants us to be, so to have a nice and secure afterlife insurance. We are so afraid of god’s judgment on us, we strive to make his approval, so to get into a heaven that we have no idea about. We do not even know if we will like it, or if it will be boring. We just tell ourselves it will all be fine. All the while we torture ourselves internally for every little thing we have done, deeming ourselves unworthy, not good enough for god, but what if it’s the other way around? What if god is not good enough for us? Or god is our invention from our fragmented confused mind? What if all the hell we made on earth to get to heaven really is all in vain? We never cared about god when we were kids. If god was so important how come the animals do not build temples and make religions for god as well? Is it because animals are not as evolved or they are more evolved than us to not get caught up in such nonsense? The purity about animals and kids is that they simply do not care about these things; they are neither as confused nor are they psychological slaves to these concepts. As we get older we become more confused and so invent an even more confused god that is always judging us. But what if we were to turn the tables on this god and judge him for all his crimes? How can god be so insecure as to want to be worshiped praised and obeyed? So many religious/new age people talk about judgment day, the day their god comes back and then all the non believers will be sorry for not believing and obeying, which is an extremely sick and primitive way to control people. At the same time, believers also talk about how we are all one without really knowing what that means. So what if judgment day does come and it’s not what religious people expected at all? It’s not about how much you kissed god’s ass and harm others in his name but the feeling of the pain of all who have cried and died by religious/new age zealots thinking it’s just and gods work? What if they were to feel all that they had done to others, everyone who talks about god in high regards feels the pain that has been caused from his ideals? If people that believe in god felt just one ounce of the totality of human suffering from such a belief, I’m sure they would think twice about ever promoting such violence again. They would feel and see first hand the responsibility that goes with promoting and nurturing such a faith. We say we are all one but only with the beautiful pleasant things, not the poisonous spider and snakes or monsters, or pain, wars, poverty and violence, or demented bloodthirsty control freak god. I wonder, do we consider the responsibility of saying we are all one in this way? if we do not consider it then when we say that we are one we are only fragmenting ourselves more. It would most likely be too much for the masses to go there. But think about it, why are beliefs, all beliefs, dangerous? When we hold onto a belief what is it really? Can it actually be fear, control, and manipulation? Where does it come from and what is the responsibility we are unconsciously agreeing and tethering all life to? Is it really worth it to fight and argue? To maintain our limbo? Can we think deeper about why no matter what we do and have done nothing seems to work? How? Could it be something inside us subtly that we think is good and peaceful could actually be just the opposite? Is it worth it to sacrifice this life in hopes of a better afterlife? What about our life now and making it peaceful here first? Is it really so blasphemous to consider such a thing? “Nope, we have to wait for god”, I hear the many say, like so many times before… What if god were to be judged for all his crimes against nature, against all life, all his violence in the bible? Do we really want to live our whole life based off of a book from the past, to recreate the past always without anything new or far away from such a book? Animals do not care about such a book. Think very hard: Who were we before these beliefs infected us like viruses? Do we always want to be an ass kisser to our belief, or can we leave it all behind so we can see what’s on the other side and maybe even finally evolve? Could this really be the reason why we are not evolving, that we are stuck in some kind of god delusion? Diego chimed in with, “our idea of god, comes from the past so when we think and obsess about this concept, then we recreate the past yet again. Never are we able to move forward, all because we cannot think outside of our comfort box.” “Then this is some kind of atheism, Diego, of which you're speaking of.” I said. “No, it’s not atheism, atheism is also a belief system that people are unable to think outside of. It’s still an identity, an idea that captures and possesses a person; it creates a wall in their psyche that they do not want to inquire into. Atheism has its rules and structures as well, it’s not open to the unknown, but the EOF wants to challenge the mind to think outside of that box of identification as well, so as not to get stuck in that intellectual rigidity.” “Well, yes, Diego I can see your point, but that means that we cannot even rely on atheists to help us with our project. If we are not going to promote their movement either but question them as well, it’s like we are dead before we even get out of the gate, burning all our bridges all around; what chance do we have for this project then? Yeesh, it really is a kind of mission impossible.” “Please do not get me wrong, he said, it’s not that EOF wants to compete or take out everyone’s ideas/beliefs out there, not at all. However, the EOF cannot work next to other belief systems. It’s an oxymoron. If we let one slide then they all slide and that totally defeats the purpose of this project. Surely there are people out there who can see the pattern, the confusion of their beliefs or even their education system. Surely there are some out there like my psychologist friend that knows that what we are doing is not working and are sick of having to play that game. People who are willing to think and question exist in all fields, maybe they call themselves an atheist for now but only because they have not thought more about it, what comes with such a label, an identification. If they were maybe willing to question that as well.” “Maybe, there are no guarantees about that though Diego.” “No there are not, I have been experimenting with explaining this, trying to find a way to get others to understand all my life, but due to just how much people are massively conditioned, especially the people who think they are conscious and awakened; they too are still extremely conditioned. This is not something a person can understand overnight, it takes lots of time but let’s at least plant the seed and see what happens rather than throw the seed away saying ‘naw, nothing will happen’. The thing is, most people have no choice, we as a species cannot get far in confusion; everything we do will never work if we are confused, it’s not my opinion or belief, it’s a fact, a mathematical certainty.” “Well that’s convenient for you then.” I imparted. “Actually it’s not”, he revealed, “because this is the last thing that anyone wants to do. People spend their whole life and history putting this off. They distract themselves in so many things; this is even why they invented a god and the new age so as to escape facing and understanding their reality. They just replace reality with some counterfeit limbo version of a seeming ideal instead. If you suggest challenging others to inquire outside of it just for a bit people get very upset. So no, it’s not convenient for me at all. I know it is a kind of a mission impossible.” Though I was excited that maybe we could brainstorm all kinds of alternatives, but in a highly creative way in which we merge the intangible with the tangible, I always felt that the missing ingredient regarding the lack of revolutionary ideas, was simply because we are too afraid think beyond what previous generations thought… Such as Einstein, for example, who came up with the theory of relativity while imagining what it was like to ride on a beam of light. All he did was merge the tangible with the intangible and bam–genius. Today our education sadly discourages thinking intangibly at all; only tangible thoughts are encouraged. This then makes us imbalanced, overusing one side of our brain and ignoring the other side. Playing favorites with the brain is encouraged today so as to survive and be a good little cog for the system, but I’m sorry, doesn’t favoring one side of the brain make us into half-­‐wits? I admire the wright brothers who dared to conceive the possibility of flight at a time when it was considered impossible. I can just imagine the amount of ridicule they must have endured. But because they did not care and played with intangibility they were able to think and see far ahead and so they were able to persevere and make flight possible for all of us. There is one more factor to consider; Thomas Edison tried 25,000 different ways in attempting to invent the lightbulb. He never gave up or got frustrated like most of us would. He also never took it seriously or personally–it was just a game and curiosity to him with no expectations, so it did not feel like failure to him. When asked about this he simply said, ‘I did not fail, I just saw it as I now knew 25,000 ways to not make a light bulb.’ Then one day Edison came home drunk and tried the light bulb attempt again and voila, it worked. I wonder what he thought about lightning bugs and the fish of the deep sea that have their own lighting ways. Nature did it first; nature understands science and the principles of thermodynamics, used for evolutionary purposes. This held me in a kind of wonder; if we too could just merge intangibility with tangibility, and not identify with the outcome or take it personally; we could perhaps keep up and understand the wonders of nature and how it works, in perception, observation, understanding and communication not fighting or lost to pettiness or put off that something seems impossible. After all, if we break this word apart it spells: I’m possible. I had to admit, as excited and intrigued as I was about the project, I was also very put off by it. Despite saying to myself “I’m possible”, it did not make things any easier. No matter how many questions I asked about the project, I still could not fully grasp it or even understand what Diego was getting at. I mean, it sounded good in theory, but to actually do something like this, putting ourselves out there in such a way was not comfortable. I knew this project would not go over well and that it would take time, and for how long? How could we get people to understand something they did not want to understand and spent so much time avoiding? And was I ok with going from being at the popular table to the outcast table with this project? So many would want nothing to do with us if we were going to burst everyone of their delusion bubbles one at a time. It would not matter who they are, or what they do, or how much merit, academic background and qualifications they had; if it was promoting limbo ideals and beliefs then their bubble had to be busted. No one likes the person that bursts the bubble, so we will for sure be hated and have to deal with a huge amount of stupidity and ugliness from people. But this is the process, it seems, to getting through to people. First it's ridiculed, then violently opposed, then it is accepted as self evident, and since no one else was going to do it then it was up to us. Maybe others in time would come to help us. Though I still was not confident if I could actually do this or how Diego could be so certain that I was the one for the job. How can I represent a project if I still do not understand it? Even if I could understand it, speaking about the project was something else altogether. Little did I know what I was in for when it came to living and applying this project first hand, that was a whole new ball game in itself. “You will figure it out as you go. You have to start somewhere after all and you’re at the beginning of your dismantling process of all your confusion/irrationality.” Was Diego’s response to my many concerns. I guess if I had to say what I see myself as in this project, it is something of a bridge, the in between person. The one that people could relate to; people could see my extreme before and after and want to know more. I could also recognize and assist people in the dismantling phases they were going through as I went through them as well. In this way I could help them to understand these deep recesses and scary abysses in their psyches so it would not be so bad for them. It always helps to have someone say, ‘hey I have been there, and here is what you need to know about that state and what is really going on there.’ “Ok then,” I suggested, “it seems like then this project will need to be like a tree with many branches and roots operating underground as well. The more different modalities we can use to reach people to get them to think, the better.” “Yes,” he said, “that means if we want to go about this in a non profit kind of way then we are going to have to comply to some structure even if we do not like the terminology. This is needed to realize this project; it’s what’s known as the logical frame of analysis; I have already looked into it.” We worked on this aspect a lot, our first time working with each other on writing did not go over so well because I was not able to edit Diego’s written material; my english language is terrible. Oftentimes he would ask me english questions that I had no idea about, to which he would say, “you’re supposed to know these things.” “Yes, but I don’t.” I would respond with. “Why don’t you know?” He asked. “Because,” I remarked, “I do not see the point. It’s not interesting to me. I’d rather be free in my english; the less rules I know the easier it is to break them, and be free to do my own thing.” “Yes,” he agreed, “but it does not work for something like this.” “No I guess it does not, a technical writer I will never be,” responded like Yoda I did. Whereas on the other hand Diego’s technical writing was too technical. We made many attempts to write the project’s Logical Frame of Analysis. It was really trial and error for us; how the heck do we explain something like this? Can stupidity and confusion be simplified when it’s so vast, without offending? Or does it need to be offensive to shake people up? After much headache and frustration and help from others we came out with our mission, vision and benefits document and here it is: Our Mission The EOF Non-­‐Profit Foundation is a revolutionary initiative focused entirely on the promotion of the flowering of human intelligence through a radical understanding and potent inquiry into the wholeness of the human mind. The ultimate purpose is to decrease the level of psychological confusion within a community and intimately with a single subject so as to improve the quality of life and intelligence in social relationships, both subjectively and globally. The world is at a critical point right now, especially in light of the psychological suffering and discomfort of the social condition. So many people are striving for solutions without fully understanding the problem, that is why the mind is fragmented. All the focus is going towards the symptoms rather than the root cause. We cannot expect to make any real progress if we are not willing to take responsibility and look after our mental well being first and foremost rather than always putting it last. If we care about the future, our children and the evolution of mankind then it’s of the utmost importance to deal with our confusion & understand the totality of the human psyche. Vision To build a local and global network of physical centers including a virtual community, a magazine, a television broadcast, conferences and several other sub-­‐projects where people can feel free, supported and safe to undergo a radical groundbreaking psychological understanding. The EOF is aimed at helping people realize a profound inner dismantling of all layers of inner discomfort by means of various multimedia, approaches such as private sessions, seminars, workshops, retreats, podcasts, videos, newspapers and radio. As well as consistent co-­‐working and innovative grass roots community activities. We are even planning new ideas such as an “un-­‐school” where children teach adults on major topics. The EOF Project is open and adaptable for any persons, groups, businesses, sponsors, mental wellness centers, communities, universities, professionals, professors, schools, organizations, philanthropists, projects, arts, permaculture, science, foundations, private clubs, academic research, organizations and resources that are aimed to make the world less confused and to have a better understanding of our psyche. Benefits and Goals Through consideration of all the possible subjective benefits generated by the EOF NGO organization, it is clear that the development of the foundation will affect personal and social fields. Our motto is simple: The less confused a mind is, the more intelligent that mind becomes. The less confused a community is, the more efficient that community becomes. The less confused business team is, the more successful that company becomes; in terms of mental health, physical health, financially, productively, culturally and intellectually. There is a radical need among modern societies in which so many of their members are dramatically suffering from psychosocial discomfort. This is the final draft we did but it’s still changing. One of the things that was later added to the benefits and goals section was stats, results before and after of a person who explores the rabbit hole of EOF. It was later added because we had no basis to post results at that time, it was just Diego’s speculated expectation. He said that it would take a full year for results, or at least to give one the tools to be able to understand enough so as not to get stuck in confusions. When I heard him say a year, I could tell I was just at the beginning for myself and felt a twinge of hope that at least in a year I could be in a whole other headspace and see some leeway. I also felt even more flustered, thinking who the heck is going to want to work on this stuff for a whole year? Who has the patience and time and interest in doing something most unpleasant like this? People do not want things that take a year unless they will get some kind of certification at the end of it; they want things quick easy and pretty, which is why workshops and retreats are so appealing. Then another thought came to me and with it a twinge at year. A year? What the heck could I say to people for a whole year? I was so used to doing my sessions with people as a spiritual speaker, in which we would chat only once or twice and that was it. I had nothing else to say after that. Most of spiritual healings, psychic calls, even sessions with a therapists are often all about the client speaking, passing the time or the healer just giving a quick and easy message so the people feel better and forever grateful and boom–you’re onto the next person. But Diego was saying that we would be doing most of the speaking and it would not be the usual rhetoric talking that people are used to hearing. We would not be sharing any meditations of any kind. Nor would we be sharing anything we have read or heard before; there would be no regurgitation, no positive upliftment, motivation, no telling the people what they want to hear, no psychic messages, no talking about mystical paranormal things, no tips, no keys, no methods, no routine, and so on. So if it was not any of that, I could not fathom what it could be; what else is there? I did hope that Diego would speak to other people in the same way he conveys things to me, as I am often so curious to hear others’ responses to things he shares and how he shares it. What if it goes over people’s heads or they get upset with us? I was starting to see how upset people were getting when I started to share his posts more and more. At first it was just curiosity, I wonder what my followers would say to this content? Would they bother to understand it? No, instead they got mad at him saying he was evil and arrogant, etc. So I decided not to put his name by the posts any longer and instead make it seem like I wrote it and I watched people get upset with me, or they would still blame Diego for corrupting me, and I started to lose followers so this was likely to be the case with people we take time to speak with in person, and then they would get upset. But in person it’s more embarrassing and more risky, not to mention we were considering the idea of having people be paying clients. How could we survive this way? You do not piss off your clients, often people kiss their asses. But Diego was not, is not and never will be no ass kisser, nor was I, but I was a people pleaser, whereas Diego was not. I wanted to always make a person’s day and make them feel better, but was it worth it if it was only temporary and that they would go back to feeling awful and look for something else as a potential solution only to fall into the same pothole? Did I want to live my life being other people’s drug, being addicted to being their drug because I was so convinced I was helping and had a purpose then identity in this? I knew I could not bring this into the EOF but I just did not know how to be anything else, and it seemed people were unable to see me as anything else to them, even my best friend. People would definitely be upset; heck, I often got upset, and I did not have much comfort with the idea that it would take a year before people could see the benefit. I was not sure how we could avoid people getting upset or if we could change our approach even slightly. Nope… “Come on jess, think outside of the box; you're good at that, right?” I asked myself. “What can you do? What would work? How do we get past this hurdle?” The only thing I could do was more trial and error. This next idea I had I would have to say was both trial and error and none of them at all; let’s say it was more like a mess. Chapter 4: The Myth of Fear The Interactive Reality Series There I was with my thinking cap, but really it was still my conditioned cap. It is incredible to see how easy and scary it is to confuse thinking with conditioning, to not be able to tell the difference. For the last couple years of my life when I was fully immersed in spirituality, I often pondered what had to be done to get people more inclined to shift in consciousness. I thought if only it could start becoming a trend, something to be considered cool, and sexy, which is what sparked a video I did at Wolfs/Sacha Stones place with his monkeys. The video was called Consciousness is the New Sexy. I’m not sure if the video is public or private now. I made lots of my old videos private because they were too embarrassing for me after many months of dismantling and because I felt people would be confused if they saw them, I wanted to stop the many letters I got from lightworkers. I wanted them to know I had changed, but they seemed to not care or ignored it as they continued to write to me about their spiritual plights. At that time I was willing to do whatever it took. I used to be very conservative in my older videos, I never wanted the video to be about me or about attractiveness. The last thing I wanted was people to be getting off to one of my videos rather than listening to my message. I already had my fair share of stalkers sending me perverted letters, even though I never wore anything sexy in my videos, nor much makeup; my hair was mostly messy, and my video quality was mostly shite. But after escaping my psychologically abusive ex and being far enough away from him, something came out of me in which I did not care about these things anymore. When a woman ends a relationship with a partner she feels a kind of liberty, like she is a new woman. They will usually tend to get a new hairdo, which I did. I chopped off all my blond locks, which was like chopping off the past and all the memories tied to it so as to have a fresh start. Hence my more provocative flirty videos with Jessica Shackelton in Thailand, which I also made private. There is a blog about that time as well in my blog archive. Now that I am mentioning it here, talking about videos you guys cannot see, maybe I will write a caption on them all saying this is when I was confused and I no longer support or have these views. I came to the point that I just did not care; if I had sex appeal, why not use it? If it was for a good cause after all, if it would mean people would become more conscious. It would also inspire girls to use their looks to promote the new age, giving the message: if you want get with us you have to be spiritual. (Sigh if I only knew the Frankensteins that would come from this brain dead idea. So many girls did end up getting this idea whether from me or spontaneously, but the ramifications of girls doing this turned out to be devastating, though I would not know until later in the future how and why this idea was so unwise. Diego would often say the problem is because people are unable to think historically and thus they are blind to the future they are creating, or rather the past being recreated.) But at that time it seemed like a great idea, after all we were running out of time. The shift was upon us, we needed all the people we could get to make it. I felt like this idea was really a selfless act (O-­‐o). The other idea that followed this was the vehicle or modality that would be needed to bring this vision about, and what kept coming to me was a reality series. There are so many stupid reality series out there. Well they are called reality series but are anything but; often they are scripted, fake and cliché, but they were popular. So what about a real reality show about conscious people? A reality show in which people could witness the day in the life of someone awakened? What if there was a show that the cameras could capture synchronicity and the law of attraction while it’s happening? I was convinced if people had a solid example it would be enough for others to be inspired and to be able to do the same things they were seeing that person do, thus it would also be more appealing turning people life into a dream rather than stupid big brother soap operas. This was the idea I also had with the Shabby Shack Show with Jessica Shackleton. We filmed it like an esoteric exotic traveling conscious reality series laced with natural remedies so as not to be vaccinated or inundated with pharmaceutical medication, and animal rights activism, plus some zaniness. After that, many other people copied us, attempting to do the same thing. But now things were very different. I was going through the dismantling process and thinking about all the things I had gone through and experienced in Bali with Diego, how interesting it all was, what a story it would make, if only I had a camera on me during it all for people to witness what I had been through. Would that get through to others or confuse them more? Since there was no camera on us during all the events that took place in Bali, I knew I would eventually write a detailed blog explaining everything the best I could. I would be fully honest of everything, from the confusing to the embarrassing to the egg on my face. I started to entertain more and more the idea of an EOF reality series and a blog. I did try to document my own experiences on video the best I could, but my camera did not have enough space. I had no professional cameras to just allow it to keep rolling and I never knew when something was going to happen, and Diego was not comfortable on camera all the time, when he just wants his privacy. I cannot expect others to want to do what I think is a good idea. So I tried to meet him half way; what about an EOF virtual reality series where we pick 5-­‐10 people from all over the world coming from all walks of life to talk about their fears, then document their experience and process of dismantling it? At first I thought we could do group chats on skype, but our internet in Bali was epic shite to the point that it just was not possible to handle more than 2 people in a call, plus people had to wait their turn while listening to others and us. It was clear that way was not going to work. So I suggested we ask them each questions individually first, which would last from 10 minutes to a half hour, but it always went longer, to an hour or even more. I wanted to use all the footage but Diego said people would get bored watching talking heads for that long. Plus we wanted each episode to be an hour so we could just use 5 or 10 minutes from each interview and even that was too much to fit everyone, not to mention all the other effects and filming we wanted to do. Diego pretty much did all the editing and special effects and filled in all the gaps with his unique perspective and creativity. I think people were unsure of what to make of this series, as it was in no way fluffy or comfortable, nor was it easy to understand, which gave it a mysterious flair to it as well. We made a trailer to kick some anticipation off for the series but youtube cut out the song then allowed us to have it on again. The intro song which is ‘Downtown’ by Petula Clark, was selected because it’s a good example of fakeness: just forget all your problems and cares and just shop, and also because the song is used in the TV show Lost, which I will get into more later on in this blog, on the reasons why there are so many parallels between the show Lost and the EOF Project. Here is the link to the trailer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhOSln6GXFI I suggest watching it before reading anymore as I am going to explain the thinking behind the shots and scenes. In more detail here is the written draft of what I wanted to do with the show. -­‐ Real everyday people sharing their real inner fears struggles and confusion -­‐ No Scripts, No Gurus, No teachers, Raw & Honest Uncut. Asking the question does the increase of interest in spirituality have to do with the increase of depression frustration and stagnation in our lives? Or is Spirituality also a stepping stone or a crutch that we must let go of to stand on our own to not give our power away to any ideas, beliefs, the past, or other people such as gurus masters teachers etc.? Is spirituality really the way to free us from our fears and stagnation? I came up with this idea so people can better understand what we are trying to do and why it’s so crucial with our intense and controversial posts on facebook and youtube. It seems saying it and writing about it just is not enough. So I decided to get some living examples with people who are brave enough to explore their internal fears/depression in order to not be at the mercy of it all the time. We invited a group of people from various backgrounds, Countries, ages and all walks of life. People who honestly want to be free of their existential fear, confusion, anxiety, anger, depression & to question their beliefs. Most of the time, concepts like this sound either cliché from spiritual speakers or intangible as we think being stuck in feelings of isolation, boredom, anxiety, worry, sadness or depression is normal & human. There is no understanding of what these emotions are often they are covered up with new age and positive outlook which ends up making these emotions and anxieties worse. In this series our EOF pioneers will not only learn how to understand their fears/problems but observe their relationship/ reaction with them. This group of people will not be searching for another solution that’s somewhere in the future but really understanding the problem in a radical and profound way. This group of people will be the pioneers of the E.O.F project by publicly sharing personal experiences that most of us spend a life-­‐time hiding from the world and ourselves, so in this way others will be able to relate so as to recognize the patterns for themselves. This is not going to be easy and is not for the faint of heart. We are not putting down spirituality or beliefs, -­‐we all want to be spiritual and more conscious but exploring this can be seen as a fake when the intent is to hide or cover up some confusions or fears. How can we grow in spirituality if we are still in fear in confusion? O-­‐o ah why did I write that?-­‐ Perusing spirituality does not free you from fear and confusion it makes you busy in the mind hungry and obsessed for more answers that never satisfies and always out of reach of one day someday in the future. (Oh if only i would have known by writing and thinking in this way at this time that this would be the reason of the mess that followed, as I was still justifying spirituality and trying to somehow mix it and integrate it with the EOF. Ah cringe, I even originally titled it ‘A Conscious Interactive Reality Series’ I later changed to the title to Me and the Monkeys https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlokEwkhM5I Which is trying to get rid of confusion but is just adding to the confusion, like putting out the fire with more fire. What was I thinking? I guess that was my idea of conscious at that time… yeah not wise… To put consciousness and EOF together is like putting oil and water together; it’s a total oxymoron. I am sure I did this because I wanted my old followers to not be put off by my changes and that I was somehow still doing the same thing, perhaps I was trying to convince myself of that to, because the shock was too much. I ended up learning the hard way.) The trailer opens up with me looking like I am getting ready, very similar to the scene in Lost where the song downtown is being played. Then I kind of do this model walk strut around our yard to make it seem like it’s going to be the typical spiritual commercial (I so love my hair cut in this video). I then start promoting spiritual fakeness in a bottle, making myself seem like everything is perfect and sexy and you will be as happy and conscious as me if you buy this product. It is like buying the truth all for the special spiritual price of $111.1. This intro may seem over the top but i’s not because this is the subtext, behind every spiritual product and service is the hidden message that this is for real lightworkers only. The paradox beingthat they say commercialism is not conscious, but it seems it’s only ok if it’s spiritual and endorsed by some spiritual speaker. All the natural foods and products out there are the same deal, I’m wondering if people can see this. Our approach is to make it seem funny and a mock, but we are not really joking; we are actually very serious and trying to make a point. I think people do not like this because when others do something similar to this, mocking spirituality but then promoting spirituality because it’s their work, then everyone likes it, but if you expose and joke about spirituality but you’re not spiritual look out. Then we cut to reality, what life and understanding is really like: it’s not pretty perfect or sexy, it’s messy, it’s dirty. To make that point I shoveled mud all over myself for this scene and Diego added the other me to indicate a metaphor of another part of us that we cannot hide; our observer self is watching too. To face reality as is without the need to be fake, we cannot be afraid to get dirty, especially if you're wearing all white trying to broadcast to the world ‘I only fart unicorns, I am conscious.’ (ok that line is not in the video but its in the subtext.) Then we cut to some interviews with the pioneers, getting them to talk about things they usually do not talk about or think much on. Their images float through a raw pristine nature untouched by man. We then went on to have the interviews floating through his images, which to me represent lands of non-­‐confusion as if they are close but unable to be detected as we float about in our limbos of the same thing over and over. As we dig in more with these people we selected, we start saying look, we have been so caught up in this date waiting for some big shift to happen that did not happen that once again people have been scammed by such a concept same with the waiting for jesus ordeal. And here I am, a spiritual speaker having people contacting me calling me asking me all these so seeming questions on spirituality but what they really want to talk about is fear. Like Diego says to Katherine, “are you sure it’s the unknown you're afraid of? Or is it actually a fear of the known?” We then cut to the statistics of depression and how it is the exact same match to the rise in spiritual interest. Are people refusing to consider this and instead cover it up and excuse it as a spiritual awakening, where all side effects of depression are symptoms of ascension. Does this not sound familiar? We get upset with big pharma for pulling the same scam using general symptoms that everyone has. But because people do not think, they assume they need this drug. Yet here we have spirituality saying big pharma is the enemy, yet spirituality is doing the same, exploiting people in the very same way. Diego asks the question: is the need of spirituality related with people’s petty attempts to avoid confusion and fear? Using the justification that it’s all-­‐positive, divine, and meant to be, so we can shift? The results brings about blindness and consumerism to be even more perpetuated, only this time it’s in spiritual products packaging. It got me wondering, could it be that big pharma is behind the new age as well? Funding and backing the major speakers, movements and projects out there because it feeds their cartel as well? It’s a bit disturbing for the many to be so convinced that they are awakening and shifting but really are being led and choosing to stay asleep in an even deeper state than before as they are compelled and bedazzled to drift further away from reality and their own intelligence in which they cannot see they are being scammed yet again. This is why it does not matter what the intention of the spiritual person or healer is; if they choose to live and think through these titles and ideals then they are being negligent by spreading and encouraging this confusion and blindness virus, saying that this is the way to be so as to be conscious like us. They fall into their own self-­‐deception and the contagiousness of this is apparent. People are so busy clinging to answers and misty truths that they never inquire really why they care about spirituality? Why do we ever begin to search in that direction to begin with? The end of the trailer cuts to us trying to get others to think about these things. Then Diego is suddenly wearing my dress. I remember when I showed this trailer to my mom and other people. The response was that the trailer is weird and Diego is weird. “Why is he wearing your dress?” she asked me. I replied with: “because it’s more stimulating in this way, the more strange something is the more it sticks in a person’s memory”. But he also included it to show how fake and judgmental we are and how our psyche tries to always protect our inner walls of ideas of normal to keep the abnormal out and because this we choose to be fake convincing ourselves life needs to be this way. In the next clip we can see how we think that all is fine, yet this creates a great psychological unrest that can clearly be seen in people’s faces, as a baby observes all the confused fake people around him at a monster festival in Bali trying to understand what is going on. Then we cut to a shot of the rabbit to indicate her life without confusion and fakeness. I guess it was hard for people to understand the trailer because they did not want to understand it, if it meant taking them out of their comfort zone. We did not care, we wanted to push the envelope; we cannot keep hiding and avoiding this major factor, sooner or later we have to face it. But it is incredible how so many refuse to even consider this and instead it is seen as money people can make by selling psychological positive, lovelight drugs to dope up a person towards this movement. When one zooms in with a microscope on this virus one can see it is stronger and more demented than we can imagine. Not to mention the insanity it attracts and encourages. Even if we do bring it to peoples attention we always get a response such as, ‘and who are you to say this about that movement, what do you know? You have no qualifications to speak about this, you're throwing out the baby with the bathwater’ and so on. I’m sorry but we do not need qualifications to speak or inquire into the root of all this conditioning and fear, Diego would reply with, and it’s not my opinion it’s a fact. If people would only open their eyes to it they would be able to see it too. As for me, I was still swinging back and forth. I could see it, but then I would forget I saw it and try to live my life in the only way I knew how, which was encouraging spirituality. I still had no idea how to think out of it; I had no idea of what a heavy hold it had on me and what was going to have to happen in order for me to snap out of it. Chapter 5: The Candidates For the Series Before we could put out this interactive reality series we would need to find people who were willing to share themselves and all their insecurities to the world. It looked like it was up to me because Diego was not really making an attempt to find anyone. So there was a delay and I was not sure why Diego was procrastinating again. What was he delaying so much for? I fell into fear; we are running out of time, and I am running out of money I have to work, I have to do something, I cannot wait for Diego. As I thought that this series would also encourage and inspire others to come out and work with us in person. We had made flyers for Bali too, so much work writing and rewriting and yet he would not put the flyers around town for some reason. It’s challenging when one is in the relationship and one partner wants to move forward but the other does not for reasons unknown. So I decided I would do my own thing. I would continue to do sessions with people as I was still getting emails from people about my spiritual coaching, people were coming to me, not Diego. This gave me a kind of gratification and security that even though so much was going on, I still had my reputation and my message was still working magic in people’s lives. Therefore I had not lost my spiritual mojo, I could still do this work. Perhaps I could maybe include a little of EOF here and there and maybe some of the people who contacted me would be willing to try out the reality series. I was feeling more confident with myself like I was becoming less confused, that I was actually finally doing it and surely I could find others who could as well. I thought I now had the eye to tell who could do this project and who could not. But in truth I was still very much confused and in trial and error, which resulted finally in the idea of the EOF questionnaire, but that would not come until way later on. The following is about the events leading up to the realization of why it was so necessary to have a questionnaire and why we had to be so selective with who was brought into EOF. I actually ended up finding over 10 people who were willing to do this series with us. I thought I would take the time in this chapter to introduce each one to you and a bit of their back-­‐story, how they came into the picture, and as we go along I will share what ended up happening to them afterwards. Every time I would get excited that people were actually understanding the project and wanted Diego to see it as well because I just kept thinking he just could not see what I could. If I suggested or tried to convince him of something his response was always “we will see”. Only 4 of these candidates came out less confused than before, whereas the rest ended up fizzling out and even became even more confused than ever before. Some just freaked out and disappeared. See if you can guess which ones were left standing when the dust settled. a) Angela and Shiva Angela wrote me a letter about doing some coaching to help her partner Shiva to be more advanced in her spirituality. According to Angela she was going too slow, especially when Angela compared her to herself, and that perhaps I could be the one to help her with this. They at first wanted to do just one-­‐hour sessions with Shiva and me, but when Angela insisted on listening in the background it seemed she also wanted to do some coaching with me as well. They decided to do a 2-­‐hour session, that it would be better for them. It was really my only income; it was enough to barely get by, but it was helpful for me. Every time I finished talking with them it really felt like I had made some progress with them, like they were understanding and moving forward. Of course, Diego would occasionally show up while I was chatting with these girls and I immediately got shy and nervous that he would hear me still preaching spirituality and my old spiel. So I quickly either went quiet or tried to throw in some EOF content. I felt so stealth about this, then later I would justify to myself that he can knock spirituality all he wants but it’s still working for me and it pays the bills so it’s worth it. Also, I am slowly able to introduce my clients to EOF concepts and it all seemed to be going so well. The girls felt so good and confident with my work with them that when I told them about the reality series we were wanting to do and that we needed candidates to share their personal journey, fears, and struggles on camera, asking if they would be willing to do this, they said yes. I felt they would be really ideal for the series to have a couple in a romantic relationship dismantling their confusion together. The fact that they were lesbians always was interesting because they did not fit the normal box of what people would expect. Which to me it seemed the EOF was all about as well, so that would be no problem. Angela had the blond hair and the typical all American look and a southern accent. Her partner Shiva had a Belgium accent; she had long red hair in dreadlocks, tattooed eyebrows and piercings. She kind of reminded me of the Raggedy Ann doll. I liked Shiva’s gentle nature, though she did not speak much whereas Angela was more aggressive and the one to dominate most of the conversations, even when they were about Shiva. Angela would often always speak on her behalf as if Shiva could not do it for herself. I did not detect this as a problem yet, just something that would be dismantled in time through love and understanding, which I kept conveying to Diego that it would happen with them. I was determined and so sure that EOF would fix their relationship for them once they could both be more honest about their fears. It was so easy and perfect in my head how Diego and I combined, would work our magic, and poof–all better, problems all gone. (sigh) B) Katherine Katherine from Alberta Canada. She came to me because she had been a follower of my work for a while now. She said I had been a big inspiration on her. I was even the one who got her into the Anastasia books and the reason she was doing her best to shape her life around those books. So she trusted what I was doing and wanted to be a part of it, so she could be as conscious as me, she said. (Cringe O-­‐o) Despite all the EOF posts that we were sharing, people’s ideas of me in the past were still stronger than what I was really about now. Many were still insisting on seeing from how I was in the past. I did not really pay attention to what she was saying or take it so seriously because I thought well she is following and reading all of our EOF posts so she gets it. Whoopee, she actually gets it. When we did our interviews with her she seemed so clear, for the most part Katherine was doing very well. She seemed so honest and raw and willing to think. When you watch her in the series there is something about her that was very candid that we appreciated; it was a pleasure to speak with her. She was willing to go wherever she needed to and saw the significance of our project, she saw how groundbreaking it was. I started to wonder if the EOF or what Diego was saying about it being unpleasant or a challenge was true, maybe it was just me that struggled with it, because it seemed others were getting it so quickly and easily. C) Auymi Auymi had been another follower of mine for some time, she loved the changes I was going through and the EOF posts. It was very interesting and exciting to her. She was not put off by weirdness at all. It has always been something she liked the most about life and would even seek out to further extend her collection of the strange, be it objects toys of monsters, creatures, etc. What was also appealing about her was that she is a single mother from Japan. She actually was not able to speak English very well but she could type and read it. She had made a big effort to understand our posts and the project. She did not want the fact that she did not speak English to stand in the way of doing the project. She suggested I use a translator, to which I turned to Noriko from Bali blog part 4, who was more than glad to assist us with this. Noriko was in Japan with Joakim at the time, still in a relationship. D) Pablo Pablo had been another follower of me for a while and when I got together with Diego he tried hard to understand EOF the best he could. He joined the EOF Facebook group and participated in many discussions, but he would often end up fighting with the other members in the comment section. He definitely had a chip on his shoulders. He was from South America but lived in New York trying to overcome the heavy conditioning from his dad and society and all the expectations/ideals that are pushed on us that we are expected to somehow keep up with and conform to. I was glad that Pablo was interested in doing the series because we had so few guys and I really wanted people to see how a guy approaches fear and pride. E) Isa Isa was intrigued with the EOF project right from the get go, she really admired how we would focus mainly on the nitty gritty and she wanted to go there to with us but was unsure how. I wanted to have her in this series because her past and background was really incredible to me. She was from Bosnia during the war; her father fought in it and died, and the family managed to escape to Europe. Oh, and she is also a lesbian and was raised on muslim faith, and I was blown away by the balls of this woman to be able to admit that freely without any fear or concern. The conditioning she would have to dismantle was immense, but she was willing to do whatever it took to get there. Her Stories, views and perspective were also very fascinating to me. F) David David had a background of spirituality and he was able to see how and why it was harmful, how he used it as a drug and a way to escape reality and all the pressures of life. He was sheltered his whole life by his family, who pushed him to succeed, so he went to school for 10 years until he had a major burn out and became even suicidal. He was contemplating his freedom outside of his family and school when he could finally live his life how he wanted and would be able to do the things he always dreamed of doing. What was interesting about David was that he was fully deaf and even half blind but that did not stop him, especially with doing this series. So we decided to share his words on the screen and have a machine read for him. He also seemed to be doing really well, ahead of the pack. His determination to be free was his fuel, but this also acted as a hindrance for him as well. G) The Others Gigi-­‐ not much to say about her. She came from the new age background very much into Byron Katie teachings (who uses her marketing background to exploit others.) In the series Gigi seems very clear and that she understands what we are doing, she was very good at sharing what she thought we wanted to hear, but only at the surface. She ended up going back to the new age as she was not able to live and apply her own words or her so seeming understanding. She just wanted to appear clear and gather information on her own preparation to be a spiritual teacher herself. But looking smart is not the same as actually being smart. It's strange how we outsmart ourselves out of our own psychological serenity. Gigi was unwilling to think outside of Byron Katie and the other speakers she admired and followed, which led to her becoming upset with us when she realized what we were challenging her to do and she was not willing to do it. Rather than inquire about this, she decided to convince herself that we had lost our way. Zsolt-­‐ is from Romania living in Canada. I felt his background on drugs and success and having all that and realizing how empty it was and the mess it made in his life would make him an interesting candidate. He was able to see that none of this came from him, but his conditioning, and now wanted to do his best to undo it all. He actually ended up not able to do the series, but he allowed for us to share one of his letters he wrote. We already had typed content from David we thought why not for Zsolt as well. Stephanie-­‐ from Germany and Stephanie from Australia and Craig all disappeared shortly after our interviews. Either they got freaked out or disappointed that they did not get the results they were hoping to get. Meredith-­‐ has been off and on with her dismantling process. It’s understandable, as it can be a struggling process, and it’s so easy to get distracted and frustrated with. She has been able to see this better and now is giving more time to understanding the process. Margarita-­‐ I will share more about later in this blog, her full story, as she was the next person to visit us in person in Bali and ended up being in episode 3. Chapter 6: The 3 Episodes a) Episode 1 The Birth of Fear Here is the link to the first episode, titled the Birth of Fear. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjlLM8CP4JA (I suggest watching this video before continue reading this chapter as we are going to dissect this episode and do a little quiz on what you're able to pick up with each of the candidates. I have some pretty diverse looks in this series, some are flattering and some not at all. I like that I can show the many sides of myself and not always feel the need to look my best. Instead I dress how I feel that day even if I know I am going to be on camera. I am the same when it comes to not flattering photos of me on facebook, i have no problem with people seeing me not at my best as it’s realistic and honest. Speaking of honest, I was so nervous during the filming of this series. It was really hard because I did not know fully the content or how I should be. I am also a lousy actress, because to me it’s lying and fake, which is why I am in the habit of not hiding and sharing everything. One more thing to share here is that you can still tell how confused I am by reading what i wrote on youtube as the intro to each video… facepalm.) Everything in this video is a metaphor, from the special effects to my acting. We did this so as to say we do not freak out when we see a B rate scary movie, but we freak out when we see B rate over the top exaggerated fears are playing in our mind, even and especially when we know they are just thoughts and not real. Why do we always act and react in this way, without any understanding as to what we are actually doing? Can we think about these things? To give you a hint on such questions here is an excerpt from the first episode. Why did we birth fear to begin with? First of all we perceive, then we think, then we translate neuro-­‐linguistically what we think and that's the intellectual realm, and nothing is wrong with that, the problems come when we live our lives through, and in, what we have translated through the intellect only. When we lose the intimate relationship with our inner sensitivity then our reality becomes entirely intellectual.. Including 'god', relationships, the perception of the self, society, friends and so on. When we live that way, where we’re born asleep, grow up asleep, get married asleep, sing mantras, make money, build up cities, shape politics and universities all while asleep.. And then when we are about to die we try to understand so earnestly ...but we end up dying asleep... So we start structuring everything shaping everything into an identity.. then we identify ourselves with our identity and then it's a done deal! Identity eats our sensitivity, our innocence, our genuine relationship with everything... ' That is because our identity, in order to survive, must be constantly in relationship with the known, not the unknown, and the known is the past.. and from this relationship between the present moment (what things are) and the illusions of the future raped by the past (how we would like things to be) thus our fears grow.. That's the birth of fear and unfortunately its collectively and intimately shared. And it’s all about intellectual identification. Identity: which leads to institutions, beliefs, searching, gods, traditions, rules, symbols, getting good grades, human tribalism and ...yes.. Spirituality too! Some will think... -­‐"Ah! Now finally I get it! It's all because I identify myself in my identity which is no more but my past"-­‐ Well; it's actually true... but it's not enough...: this realization is not even the entire cover of the book of life each one of us is living... Not even the cover of a very deep unknown book... but at least here is where the liberation of the psyche begins its flowering... The first episode then starts with me on the beach. I wake up on a strange island only finding myself being chased by something strange, leading me to a statue of two giant heads. These heads have been made better known by Pink Floyd. This beginning part is to show the difference between our natural fears and existential fears, and how our struggle with fear of the known and unknown leads to the desire of the fake identity and spirituality. And with our discovery and creation of our fake identity comes the fear to lose the identity, this is existential fear and it is not natural at all. It is a collective intellectual illusion. People think the reason they are the way they are is because of their past but it’s not true, it’s how they can become a victim of their own personal illusions. The points we were aiming to make and trying to help others understand about fear and how it works are: -­‐We are afraid to be in fear. This makes us depressed trying to avoid this fear, but it is still fear. -­‐One can not survive on a deserted island if one thinks through their past or their identity, that It only leads to psychosocial comparison, and with that comes the fear of the unknown, then struggling, suffering and confusion. -­‐If we understand and know this then why do we compare? -­‐We cannot live, or rather to say, we cannot be alive if we are in fear or afraid. -­‐The fear of falling in love is not what we think it is. Fear of falling in love is a part of us that knows love is a trap that will mostly lead to more confusion and frustration as we struggle always with societies’ ideas of love and our conditioned ideas of love conflicting with the partner’s various ideas and conditionings as well. -­‐Is what we are thinking a fact or an opinion? If we are unable to tell the difference between the two then we will not be able to see the self-­‐violence, because living in expectations makes one constantly fight. This is because we are always in fear to fail and that is not what a relationship is supposed to be. -­‐When we can no longer be attached to our idea of the person, or the expectation to create a better relationship tomorrow, then the relationship becomes like a river. It does not matter where the river came from or the destination of the river tomorrow or day after, the river itself is important and it’s depth. -­‐If we intellectualize ourselves through our belief system then we become lost to these ideas and when this happens it is very hard to get out of and the scary part is we do this to ourselves. b) The Myth of Fear: S1 E2 The Inner Virus I suggest for you to watch the video to first before continuing on reading this part of the chapter. See how much you can pick up from watching the video to see if you can figure out what we are getting at? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xklmFJ7HuFY In this episode we explore and ask the questions of personal inquiry that a person must make if they really care to end their fear, then the fears must be exposed fully right to the roots to be fully understood and dismantled. To do this one must not search for a solution until the problem is understood. Another thing to look at is our relationship with the problem. It is important to realize that each sentiment of guilt, humiliation, and stupidity is a hoax created by the way of how our conditionings react against the action taken to liberate our-­‐selves from our fears. In some way our mind behaves like it's affected by a kind of Stockholm syndrome (protecting our own fears and suggesting feelings of self-­‐stupidity or fake humiliation or protect/fight for our faith for our counterfeit idea of identity instead of freedom and dismantling.) The first step toward the liberation of the mind is always unpleasant but its magnitude or friction is up to us. -­‐This video starts with a quick recap from the last video and then it goes into a kind of explosion going off. I am sitting near the pool when I hear some strange sounds. I look up to see sights in the sky followed by another blast and again I am off running to investigate (Diego had me running a lot in this series.) Then as interviews are being heard there are a whole bunch of words flashing by faster than we can read, all the subliminal messages of our ugliness are there, in-­‐between the lines, in between the frames, faster than the human eye and brain can fully process. As I continue to run and investigate what has crashed to earth, it turns out to be an ipad. At this point I’m sure many will be like, what the heck this is weird. But this is a metaphor to point out the ridiculousness of how anything can be turned into the new belief. (I think Diego got this idea from a guy that was following us who at first seemed to be very clear then one day wrote us saying that he has a device to help him and his kids ascend and it’s his ipad. Not to mention Diego being fascinated that people can camp for weeks in front of a store just to buy the new iphone that they do not even need. It just came out of left field and we decided to play on this concept more, as it was apparent just how blind people are becoming to such things.) When we look closer at this ipad we can see it has the word believe on it with the word lie colored in the middle. Beliefs need symbols and we create these symbols inside us first. This is how each one of our own personal psychological confusions starts. We believe in our virus and our fears, we disguise them as either hope or an enemy. So we fluctuate between worshiping and fighting them, but yet we still convince ourselves that we need them. That is why we encourage them, regardless of their symbol, because we make them into our authority and jailors. Our solutions are always: “I need a new belief to replace or escape the old one”. But what we do not know is that the new belief is the old one, it has just changed its name, symbol and package. This then makes us lost and nearing our destruction as we fight and war over this disturbing issue, always falling for the same classic trap over and over because of our refusal to think outside of our beliefs or to even question them. We keep creating an enemy. We do not want to see that we encourage and invent enemies. We do not want to see that we actually want to fight, that we love to fight because it keeps our beliefs and hopes alive. It also strengthened our idea of this better person in the future with sayings such as ‘what does not kill you just makes you stronger.’ And we fight more, asking ourselves what do we want to do with our life but all of this comes from fears so without self observation it leads to yet more fear. Which results in two major viruses, one is hebetude: lack of self-­‐orientation, total conformation, and thus stupidity. The other virus is perpetual searching. When we lose our ability to think, then our beliefs, gods, identity, authority, spirituality, become very important. They start to think for us, we become lost to our roles, our ideas of how we should be and then we become something we are not or fake. Then we cut to a video of Franco Dinicola. (I had no idea that Diego was going to use a video of this guy, or if he knew that I knew Franco personally. I was very nervous about Franco and all my other friends seeing this because I knew it would seem like I was a traitor. But this unified soul thing Franco was preaching was to Diego simply ridiculous. What was even more upsetting was that so many cling to this idea of enlightenment and shift, but then we talk about detachment; it’s a total oxymoron and it must be pointed out. What about detachment from this concept of enlightenment, to see what it really is? I just was not looking forward to confronting them about this, as I knew they would not understand and would instead see it as an attack or something. There were many other spiritual speakers who had this contradiction in their videos’ messages, indicating they had no idea what they were saying and were just repeating and picking up what they heard somewhere else. It’s a wonder if these people consider the psychologically of the people buying fully into this just to convince them that they are a master teacher. Are they able to see the confusion they are spreading or do they just not want to see it? Of all of the spiritual speakers out there Diego chose Franco to execute this point.) In the next scene we shared the origin of the word enlightenment and how many beliefs share the same word/concept. It’s easy to see how all beliefs are the same thing in their different packages and casts of characters. Oftentimes when someone is able to see how this works then they are also considered to be awakened or spiritually wise. I remember many times thinking if I can get people to understand what I see, if they can see this too, then they would be on a higher level and we would have more peace and less fighting in the world. This is a common error so many make. That is why for so many years people have been preaching about enlightenment and it never works, it never brings peace because of the idea that since we all believe the same but have our differences we should respect that. That means we are still confused because we are not seeing the person as what they are but through their beliefs, so we are not respecting the person but the beliefs; and where there are beliefs encouraged there is confusion and violence. This is because beliefs in themselves when they think for us are violent no matter how positive and loving or conscious they seem to be. If a person has a belief and they identify with it, then they are not thinking, their belief is thinking and controlling them. All beliefs have an opposite, so the belief needs to always fight, control, play wise, act like we need them, and manipulate others and us to stay alive. We cannot have peace if we have the idea of enlightenment, it will lead to confusion and conflict, I know this sounds paradoxical or contradictory but just think more about this and why we are saying this. If we are confused with such idea/ideals it does not go away. We do not realize that we will take our confusion of beliefs with us wherever we go, even into our paradise, heaven, or ascension, which will no longer make it a paradise but another limbo of more confusion and violence. Like a bubble within a bubble within a bubble so it is the limbo within a limbo within a limbo like how the hypercube works. Can we be honest enough with ourselves to see how this works and why this is? To be honest enough to ask our-­‐selves what the heck am I doing? Why can I not be free from my needs to search or the need for something new? If we choose to have a belief or replace an old one with a new one then it’s like being programed yet again. It’s hard, very hard, but if we can think outside of our beliefs just for a little bit and practice to be able to do this more, then maybe we will have less psychological resistance. Then we can regain our self-­‐orientation, the compass that is most needed by the captain so as to navigate its ship through the rough seas of confusion. Most of the time our beliefs are steering our ship and this often results in the ship crashing. When a belief is forced on us we forget who we used to be before all these conditionings. Our comfort zone is our cocoon that we insist on staying trapped in; we do not realize it’s where all our viruses and all our fears and confusions live. Imagine a kid that asks to an adult audience the following question: ‘‘Adults, can you please explain to me why you all talk about love and peace on Earth… and so you have been doing for thousands of years… but wherever there is this talking on peace and love... there conflicts grow?” Then this episode ends and the credits come up and we talk about the progress everyone has made since doing the series with us. Both Pablo and Meredith left their job. Katherine also quit her job and with some help from me giving her an extra push she decided what she really wanted was her dream to go to Peru. David shared with us his dream of going to japan but he did not know anyone there until our series; he got introduced to Ayumi and they seemed to hit it off right away. As soon as David had the money and permission he bought a ticket to japan to meet Ayumi in person. Shiva and Angela seemed to be removing a lot of viruses from their relationship. They stopped fighting as much and Shiva also quit her job. (we never advised or suggested any of them to quit their job, they just realized that their job was not something they wanted to do anymore.) I was excited on how short of a time had gone by–just one episode–and already so much progress, but this did not impress Diego, he had his doubts. He said, “I do not trust when people say they have changed or things are getting better for them or that I made their day because oftentimes it is fake as well and then results in the psychologists worst fear known as the transfer. I am not interested in making a persons day or week, or month; it does not mean they are thinking and questioning, often it means what I am doing is seen as an entertainment or escape; I am no one’s drug and no one’s guru.“ The episode credits ends with this quote-­‐ ‘The fear of the unknown is not the unknown… but the known… which is the past... do not be a prisoner of the past.’ c) Episode 3 Orientation 5-­‐13-­‐6 Again, I suggest one to watch the video before reading more: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VVuPNzafcM Episode 3. Orientation 5-­‐13-­‐6 is a mystery, it challenges you to watch carefully for the clues to see if you can figure out and solve the mystery. In this video we delve deeper into the source of what disconnects us from nature. It’s a decision we make everyday. It’s always an inner conflict inside us: do we focus on the sense of life or 5-­‐13-­‐6? What is 5-­‐13-­‐6 anyways? And why is it important for us to know about it? How does this affect our world today? Why is it important to do our own inner orientation? How can we find out for ourselves? We are born without existential fear, without an idea of god or any existential suffering of the past, so what happened in the in between? The natural quality of all aspects of nature is self-­‐orientation/observation. We are born free, free of conditionings, free of mental structures. Free of what life is supposed to be and free of the searching for answers. And because of all of our conditionings that we never question or inquire in we fight and we spend our life fighting and we never understand until the end of our life and that’s sad. We come we go and in the middle we try to understand. We are told we need to find the sense of life, find a purpose, find solutions, answers to become someone, and none of this is us and because of that we always have this internal friction struggle that leads to fighting the self and even loathing the self. We constantly forget that we are born in peace, so what happened in the between? The main reason as to why we suffer is because we are not the authors of our past, yet those authors have become our authorities. The human mind is conditioned to think it needs psychological safety in order to work properly or so we think. The easiest tool to build up psychological safety is the past. Then the mind projects the past onto the screen of our psychological present. But unfortunately we are not the authors of our past. What we are struggling with is our forgotten perceptiveness and our present identity. When we choose an idea of who we are over our perceptiveness then we live our whole life as something we are not and this makes us disturbed as we are not able to understand why we are struggling so much with this. When one loses the intimate relationship with their sensitivity, then archetypes and beliefs become important. Then these archetypes we ourselves created become our existential jailers and authorities, which is now also taking a new shape, as spirituality love and light positivity. This is not helping, it’s actually making things much worse. As it’s a form of escapism to not face the issue. Nature knows no archetypes! -­‐After we try to articulate those points the video then goes into Zsolt’s story on how the fear of being average propelled him into trying to figure out a way to be special to stand out; but with everything he found and every success he had he always turned to drugs. He confessed what few dare to confess which was his strong desire to be seen as conscious and more spiritual than the rest so he could have some sort of comfort in an identity that many were not just accepting but looking up to, plus it brought about psychological security but always temporary and it came with a heavy price. Then we go into an interview with a girl named Stephanie from Australia who is heavily caught in the new age unconditional love drug; yet no matter what she does she feels lonely with or with out people. Diego asks her questions to get her to think more about her struggles but she can only respond with the look of confusion in her eyes that is very strong and says it all. Then we have Isa sharing her fear of death, but death represents ultimate peace to which Diego says we are not afraid of death we are afraid of peace and we fight it every chance we get. We were born in peace but instead every morning we wake up and fight within ourselves, lost in our never ending questions and answers. Cut to a scene with me at the rice field in my yellow dress. I come across another version of me as if represent two selves. I pick up the ipad and try to decide which of the two options I will choose as I watch my other self to trying to decide which one to choose too. There is a white door on the path that appears and starts to open while I am thinking about my decision. I choose the sense of life and the door closes and a wall is formed between me and this other version of myself; she represents my observer self and she is now gone and I am blind. Then all the major religious symbols crash to earth, crash to my existence and are suddenly all I can see and they are what is most important to me now. I can no longer connect to my observer self. The beliefs that we claim to love and cherish become our authority, our jailers. And now whenever my observer or perceptive self tries to communicate with my intellectual self they only fight. Then we cut to our amazing rabbit, (that has her own chapter coming up), she represents nature as a whole. She is looking out at the world with her nose that is forever moving in her total innocence and she will never know archetypes or fakeness. I have a long speech in this video after it’s is done we start to unravel the mystery of the title of this episode in which we show a picture of the brain and then back to me in the rice field and the yellow dress meeting my double self yet again; or is it just a chance to do this moment over again in which I pick 5-­‐13-­‐6? And what would have happened had I chose 5-­‐13-­‐6? Now we get to find out, the white door appears again and opens fully and as it does the major religions of the world disappear, they are no longer important to me and unconsciously ruling my mind like before. Then back to the brain chart in which number 5 on the chart is the part of the brain located in the center of the brain and what brings our visionariness and sensitivity. 13, located at the top of the brain are our higher mental functions. Then 6, which is also located in center of the brain area. is where our sensitivity comes from. When we are able to use all 3 of these together at the same time then we are perceptive: we can use all aspects of brain no longer favoring of just mainly living and functioning in the intellect and memory but the dormant facets as well. If you take these numbers and match them to the order of the alphabet 5 is E, 13 is O, and 6 is F. The EOF letters are then placed inside the I-­‐ching symbol making up our logo. So many ask us why we use that symbol of the I-­‐ching with EOF inside as the logo for our project. This episode ends with hints for next episode that we never made called ‘The Red Button.’ What the red button means is those buttons that people protect and tell you never to push. Why do we protect this? Why can we not understand what we are protecting so as not to have an excuse to justify a reason to go off on another? Can we not push the red buttons without reacting in the usual upsetting way so as to no longer be affected and controlled by this? Sigh, it’s a shame, I was really looking forward to this episode too, but most likely it would have just upset more people. Chapter: 7 Lost There are so many similarities with the EOF project and the T.V. show ‘Lost’. I was able to recognize some, like the logo of the I-­‐ching for one, which Diego had stickers of all over the house. The Orientations titles also come from Lost from the introduction and explanation videos. Orientations mean to orient oneself, which is easier said then done. You can see the influences of ‘Lost’ in Diego’s documentary The Dormant Awaken and in the many pictures he made. People are always writing to me showing me more things similar to Lost and EOF. I myself had only seen up to season 3 of ‘Lost’ then I stopped watching because I found it too violent for me and did not want to be into the hype like everyone else. My best friend was really into the show and we even did a ‘Lost’ tour when we went to Hawaii together as that is where the show was filmed. Also, when I worked in the film industry I knew the girl known as Kate in the show. We used to do extra work together. Back then her real name was Nicole and we used to chat often. She was very sweet and shy and so excited about being engaged to her younger brother’s best friend who adored her. She really had no acting experience then she ended up getting a live links commercial then shortly after the show Lost she changed her name and divorced her sweet heart so as to be free and single. I think she ended up becoming Lost by her sudden fame. Apparently I stopped watching ‘Lost’ just when it started to get really interesting. But after seeing Diego’s fascination with the show I decided to watch the whole thing and it all started to click, the reasons why the project and show were so similar. Even down to a metaphor he often used of being on the lost island and there we have no identity. The EOF project was intended to take everyone who was willing to be a candidate and bring them to their own psychological deserted island headspace, so as to have privacy of the mind, in which to be able to think outside of all beliefs and authority influences, to be able to see all those things as they actually are. It’s a place one can go to be private and where we were all first psychologically born, where peace and freedom was/is. There was no one else there but our-­‐selves and it was not unpleasant at all to us as kids. This was the reason that we could play for hours, getting lost in our own inner private worlds way before being contaminated by beliefs and others concepts of times, ideals, how we should be and so on. We could play for hours all on our own and never feel bored or lonely. (More on creating our own inner private worlds in this blog later). The things we created were private/secret but now mostly forgotten, perhaps never to be found nor remembered again. Just going on a tangent here, memory has always been something curious to me. I often wondered what or who decides what we get to remember all our life and which will be forgotten. I wonder why some memories last and others do not, even very significant ones can be forgotten or warped from our biased perspective to the point it’s not a memory at all but something we have contrived and convinced ourselves of as true. I like to imagine we have a memory gnome living inside our head that decides which of our memories will be moved to the forefront and which will be moved to the back of the brain, placed on dusty shelves. But somewhere inside us there is storage of all those memories, which are a treasure. Yet we are not meant to think just through our memory and intellect, there is so much more to the mind than those two. When we were kids memory was not so significant to us, we did not have much of them nor were we able to intellectualize things as descriptions and live in those descriptions rather than life–that is what we as adults tend to do. So many say knowledge is the key, knowledge will set you free, but I know that’s not so because if we had all the knowledge and answers we would use it to enslave ourselves, forever thinking through it and not through life itself. Life cannot be fully intellectualized; understanding cannot come from there aside from the technical things. Ah but this is the amazing thing about how we were when we were kids on our own private lost deserted island where we had understanding with no need to learn, we just knew, then our knowing and understanding gets conditioned out of us and we become irrational. If only we focused more on helping to nurture kids to maintain their understanding and innocence rather than to learn. Perhaps we would be in a lot better place when the kids grow up and get conditioned to fear what they once understood so well such as being alone, private, playing, exploring and imitating, yet never getting lost to their focus of imitation. But when kids get older, what they start out imitating they soon become to the point they become lost to it. Losing themselves, thinking they are their job, or identity, or belief, and so on. The lost island represents a place where none of those things exist, and this is scary to the many today. But if we are unable to think outside these things then we become trapped and possessed and lost to them. What we are doing with the EOF is to do what we can to bring people back to their psychological private lost island to see if they can understand and remember how to psychologically survive and to find the many ways to use their creativity and their imagination for their evolution. In the show ‘Lost’ the characters struggle with their past and identity, the more they insist on holding onto it the worse it gets for them. Since they are unable to adapt, their identity turns on them, devouring them like the black smoke. When a person starts to work with us they are faced with this realization and decision; if they are unable to face it then they bring about an inner conflict of the fake thing we have become through our vast amount of conditioning. The perceptive observer self will not tolerate such self-­‐
dishonesty and confusion/irrationality anymore. So the more the internal conflict happens the person must be able to observe and see the process of what is going on; not to choose sides or justifying or anything like that, but to see and understand the inner workings and mechanics of the fight so as dismantle this fight beast piece by piece. In order to do this one must be able to think historically. To see the world and all that has transpired while you’re on your deserted island, you’re an observer. We must be able to see that when we lose our connection to our observer self that is when we get wrapped up in illusions, then we feel the need to fight and defend them and so we become negligent, irrational and violent. Anyone who embarks on the EOF will find themselves on the lost island in their mind and will come across all these things and will start to see them in a way they have not seen them before. The lost island is an effective way to view and understand confusion/irrationality to see what it is we are actually so afraid of. In the show lost there are characters named Rose and Bernard who decide to not get involved in any of the drama going on the island, as they saw how violent and unstable the others were becoming so they decided to just leave the craziness behind and live a more peaceful life on their own away from the others. Sooner or later we have to be able to detect this insanity and refuse to be a part of it like Rose and Bernard did. There will come a point where a person will be able to see it everywhere. If we cannot remove ourselves physically from such because we know many cannot, many are stuck in their situation having to put up with confusing or even abusive people be it in the family or at work, at least they can live psychologically attentive of this so as not to become a victim of the abuse–to maintain their observation and understanding so when the time comes to free themselves from such a situation they will be able to rather than becoming even more stuck. My favorite character is Hurly in the show, but I know I am more like the character jack in that show, wanting to fix everyone all the time. ‘Lost’ also has a character named Jacob who is something like a deranged god that has people on his island for his amusement while his brother dressed all in black feels like a prisoner of his brothers crazy whims and all he wants is to get out get out or off of the island, which represents a limbo that the island has been made into because of this confused god Jacob who just wants to toy with others. The show ‘Lost’ depicts a place where people have to not only deal with but understand their confusion. Each one of the people are selected from this time out of time to be the potential candidates to clean up their confusion and step out of the limbo. We need to realize that we are very good actors and so damn good at fooling ourselves that if anyone could see how much they do this to themselves they would be speechless for months, maybe even years. A person can say they channel anything now, such as the god of bananas or coca cola and there will be people to believe it, especially in India, where there is a guru on every corner, where swarms of people are willing to listen to whatever they have to say as if it’s the ultimate wisdom. It does not matter how crazy it is (which is one of the many signs of human desperation and decay). We are so unbelievably lost. It’s imperative to understand confusion and to be able to see our own confusion. When I think about confusion I can see how easy it is to be overlooked. Most do not see the harm coming from confusion, but it is the reason that our species is the cruelest and most petty of all. That is why this blog is about giving people a better idea of confusion in which I share examples of it. Anyway, I welcome anyone that is a major ‘Lost’ fan and knows the show well to see how many similarities the show has with our EOF Project. It will be a kind of psychological scavenger hunt. :) Chapter 8 Radio Interviews In the middle of doing this series, some radio shows were intrigued and asked if they could do some interviews with us on their show. I had done radio shows before on my own and I thought it would be a good idea to use radio shows to promote the project as well, to get the word out on what I was doing now, and to introduce Diego to my network. (I also want to add we were not promoting EOF as the only solution, the EOF is just a slogan; people do not have to work with us, we just want them to question and think more about their psychological lives. If a person wishes to do that with us then they have that as an option.) I have to say it is frustrating, especially in doing radio interviews. We only ended up doing just a few of them, because the shows that have contacted us seem to be new age in one way or another. This is really something we do not want to be associated with, even though I have a past in it. I want people to know how far away I am from all that. I was nervous doing these interviews, to the point that when the host mispronounced Diego’s last name I corrected her and I too ended up mispronouncing it and Diego ended up correcting everyone. I was also nervous to represent a project that was titled End of Fear but I myself was in so much fear. I felt like a hypocrite, I had to remind myself that it’s not about ending fear, because you cannot actually end fear; there are natural fears that are necessary so as to stay safe, but irrational psychological fears end up paradoxically putting us into more harm, so it’s not about ending fear but understanding it. Also, having to explain the EOF project in only one hour is very challenging for the both of us, which is what I like about writing blogs; I have all the time and space to explain what we are about here, and why it’s so challenging for people to understand that it often takes a person a year or even longer. The reason we would agree to the interviews like this in the past but not any more was because we thought they were willing to consider what they were promoting, to be willing to see the dangers behind it. We now know from experience that they will only take what we have to say lightly; they will act like they understand and even agree, then they will go back to promoting the same old ideologies. If they were to really consider what we were saying they would probably shut down their show or use it to speak out on this disturbing spiritual new age movement that they used to promote. One lady we spoke to who had a huge following on her show ended up getting upset and offended right away. She refused to listen or even consider challenging her beliefs; it was not something she was willing to be responsible for at all and thus we were unable to communicate with her anymore so the call ended abruptly. We also tried the conspiracy radio shows route that was suggested by a friend of ours. She felt it would be a good match for us since our project was controversial, so she hooked us up with the guy who made that documentary I liked on mushrooms called The Pharmacratic Inquisition. (I also blogged about this documentary in Bali blog part 2.) The guy who made that documentary has a radio show called gnostic media. First of all he was incredibly paranoid of everyone, suspecting everyone as potential CIA agents spying on him. To be overly paranoid about everything is not very psychologically healthy to me, I mean how can a person live this way? After spending some time trying to show him that we were not CIA he finally agreed to chat with us. I remember that he also was not very patient, he wanted us to explain the EOF in 10 minutes. He was very pushy, aggressive, arrogant and rude to the point we just hung up on him. He did not want to see that he was the conspiracy of and to himself or that he was projecting the same paranoid fate onto his son. Actually, from what I have seen the conspiracy movement and the new age movement are the same things just different sides of the coin. It is exactly marketed to people like a toy store. The boy section is all about war, fighting, soldiers, espionage, weapons, heroes, fighting for so seeming noble causes while the girls section is the new age all glamorous, pretty, pleasant, fantasy based and completely fake, designed to make a girl fit a certain role in life. A children’s toy store is a good place to see how conditioning starts when we are young, how we are prepared and even set up for the new age and conspiracy stories and what this combo cocktail can do to our brain. From one extreme of living in perpetual paranoia to the other, convincing ourselves everything is getting better now that we are all waking up and shifting by being more positive, fluctuating between these two things makes inner conflict and renders us blind not able to see what’s behind it all; to see we have been set up again. But not by the illuminati no, we have been set up by the ones who created the illuminati and that is us. The illuminati exist because of our psychology. I’m not saying the illuminati does not exist, because they do, but they are not everywhere or as powerful as many paranoid people would like us to believe. That’s right, the ones who talk about illuminati are blowing them way out of proportion and thus making them more powerful in this way. Ah the power of rumors and exaggeration like the children’s game telephone is only making things worse not better. It’s amazing to me how people use the illuminati to blame for everything like christians use the devil as an excuse and escape of their own invented negligence and cruelty. Its more convenient to a person to invent evil or a demon rather than consider that perhaps none of this is true and we are just massively messed up. If people all disappeared then evil would disappear from this planet. People refuse to admit or see this, they refuse to see that there is no devil–it’s just something they invented so to escape and allow violence, that they/we have become the very thing we fight and condemn. It’s incredible to see how people can be so captured by their own inventions. Then they wonder why it never ends, entertaining such beliefs as these? With the belief in god then we also automatically have to believe in its opposite, which is the devil, and those beliefs make them real and at the mercy of them both as god and devil are two sides of the same coin an invention from our bipolar mind. Believing in either makes us stuck in between the two never able to get out of it unless we no longer entertain such barbaric beliefs. So as to be able to see that beliefs are where our existential fears come from. We hate that the illuminati lies and controls us but it’s perfectly ok for us to lie and control ourselves and to the people close to us, but it’s not ok for the illuminati to do that? Could it be they are just mirroring our own messed up hypocritical psychology because they are us and we are them? If we want the illuminati to stop then we need to realize that knowledge is not the key. Because we have all the knowledge and information now thanks to the web and technology but where are we now with all this information? How can it be with all we know that our intelligence is decreasing at an alarming rate? Fear makes people not think, it makes people want to follow or cling to leaders be they spiritual or whistle blowers, and it also makes people want to shop. People cannot see the conspiracy right in their own mind; it all starts there, then reflects out in the world creating limbo worlds of its own. We also had an opportunity to be on David Icke’s The Peoples Voice. A friend of mine had been recently hired and suggested for us to submit a video teaser of what we do and then he would put a good word in for us. Diego was not comfortable to be on this show, he was sure we would not get on or be compatible. Though he liked and appreciated David Icke and his tenacity, he also was spreading confusion/irrationality. Sure enough when it occurred to the board that what we were sharing was challenging and exposing the other people’s content, not to mention it did not have the love and light or conspiracy vibe to it, our project ended up not being a good match for The Peoples Voice. A few months later they would come into complications and lose all the money that was raised and ended up shutting down. Another pre interview we did that did not go further was with this girl who had an online spiritual show and she said that she had been doing shows for years and had thousands of followers. She said what people really want is to be accepted and that is what we must all do in order to have peace. This fueled Diego to share the negligence behind this statement. “We cannot ever accept others or ourselves if we are massively conditioned; it’s a trap, what we are actually accepting is our conditioning. To know ourselves is to dismantle all of our conditioning or we will always fight over ideals and opinions of who we think we are. If we just accept others as is then we are also just accepting their conditioning and all their confusion and violence as well, and this must never be accepted. It’s like saying you must respect and accept another person’s belief, such as a woman forced to wear a burka or she gets beaten. How can we accept that? If we think we need to just accept these things without thinking what we are accepting and respecting, if we are not willing to see how absurd that is, then we will just meet more violence and confusion. I wonder if you can think about this and see why that is? Why do we respect violence and confusion all the time? Where does that come from? Could that also be a part of our conditioning? It’s overwhelming the amount of layers of conditioning we have like a never ending onion in which we always find more layers to peel away.” When Diego shared this with the lady she did not like it at all; she got so upset with Diego that she hung up on him, but by that time he had walked off, leaving me in the crossfire to contemplate what just happened? Were these people really so superficial after all? How did I not see it before? They seemed to only be interested in being told what they wanted to hear, not what needed to be said and questioned. I really was surprised; I thought that of all people they would be willing to listen and understand, but I was seeing just how naive I was, with the bubble I had lived in for so long. Well so much for doing an interview with that one, I said to myself as I scratched another one off the list–I was still optimistic. There had been so many times I introduced Diego to people who I thought would understand the project, only to find how wrong I was. It also made Diego more aware of just how big and insane this new age spiritual community was, and it was getting bigger everyday. Diego really did not know much about the spiritual new age movement until he met me. I spent a lot of time explaining to him what all these spiritual things and terminologies were, what they believe, how they thought and so on. Diego was also able to detect the confusion and total irrationality in this movement and I think this really concerned Diego, so he started to write more about it in his posts, targeting now more than before the spiritual movement, trying to get others to question it. He continued to ask me more and more questions about the things these people believed in. I did my best to explain to them as they came up. He also started to watch many spiritual videos to study and understand these people’s psyche. He wanted to understand what leads a person to become so irrational and why aren’t people more concerned about the rise and interest in such stuff? He was curious to figure out which of the spiritual speakers had been able to convince themselves of this nonsense and who was just doing it knowing what they said was nonsense and exploiting people gullible enough to believe such things. One of his favorites was this couple who would put both their hands up and send energy of a certain intent out to people. The video could be a whole half hour with them doing this. Oftentimes these people were so lazy they just took a picture of their hands being up like that and used it for the whole video. The comments were incredible and shocking–people were saying wow I feel your energy, so healing and powerful thank you. These people and their videos were just too ridiculous, it made Diego laugh. It was not that Diego thought he was smart and everyone was stupid, not at all; he has no problem admitting he is stupid too, but he at least wants to talk about this inquire in this and find out why this is, why don’t others? That’s what really interested Diego, why people refuse to be aware of what they think, or the way they think? Why don’t people question and inquire into stupidity and confusion/irrationality? How can we let illusions run our life and destroy the world? Such as the monetary system for example, it’s our invention and it’s the reason many starve and are in so much stress. Of course spirituality would be a nice escape and empty hope. How can our own psychology not be interesting? How could it be seen as boring or even low vibes? How can thinking and considering these things be seen as an enemy, something to fight, something that jeopardized one’s place in heaven or a person living in a higher vibration in the 5 dimension? Isn’t this something crucial to understand why we do this? People had read my old posts about Diego that I had wrote in my confusion calling him my soul mate, twin flame, what love was like being with a 5 dimensional being or I said now that I am reunited with my twin flame the rest of world will be which was my pure illusion ideals I tried to create and push on poor Diego. At that time Diego did not understand what any of those words meant. I had him on a high pedestal as Diego did his best to destroy this pedestal every chance he got. I used to be embarrassed with thinking this way about Diego, especially while writing the early blogs about him trying my best to make sure people knew I was confused, to see it in me so others would not be confused too. But by reading my blogs it actually ended up making people more confused. So now here we are going through these phases and journey of confusion together so as to see fully how it works so as to dismantle it all. Diego later revealed to me when I asked him about some of the contradictory things, he said that he had did what he thought would get my attention. Because at the time the th
th
new age was my language and all I knew. Any other way he tried to explain with did not seem to register. So he used it as a tool to get me to think. Why do you care about these things? Why do people care about these things in general? Can we see the mess it does in our mind when we make stuff like this more important than our own mind and intelligence? Why must we always have to put meanings to everything we experience or tailor it to our own ideals so to convince ourselves to believe even more so these illusions? (more on this later in a chapter about clearing the air on Diego’s abilities). Then, rather inquiring in this why, we look for ways to escape our mind such as meditation or new spiritual gurus and their suggestions on how to be. And if you talk with them you will find it goes something like this, it sounds like slavery to us what do you think?: ‘Ok so I have to shave my head, walk around barefoot, and only eat fruits and vegetable that are organic. If I do eat GMO I have to convince myself that my beliefs can dispel the toxins because I am all-­‐powerful creator of my own reality/insanity. My pets must be vegetarians as well even if they are carnivores; otherwise they are neither conscious nor healthy. I have to meditate twice a day, study spiritual teachings and try to imitate them and all their words the best I can, so as to fit into this new tribe/soul family. I have to think about and decide which alien I am, what my soul-­‐star name is. I have to decide what my guides are telling me and to tell others today. I have to say this resonates with me, this does not resonate with me. I have to buy crystals and incense in order to do all my rituals and routines. I have to convince others, and myself that I was a Buddhists/healer in my past life. Anyone who disagrees with us or has us consider reason and logic are low vibration negative haters working for the illuminati. I have to do my positive affirmations. I can now only poo at 7am in the morning because that is the spiritual time to do it; if it’s any other time and I am exploding I have to hold it for fear I will not be spiritual/conscious, perhaps my vibration will decrease. I have to stop eating food as that is what it means to be super advanced. So I can be a breatharian in hopes my ass hole will close up and that’s the goal, never mind about my intelligence who cares about that? And on and on it goes you can see how crazy and controlling our beliefs come how they take on a life of their own, controlling us down to the detail until every moment of our life and actions are conditioned and irrational to which it gives one no room to think or question, no matter how crazy/irrational it gets. Our beliefs make ‘crazy’ perfectly fine, even consciously fashionable/successful, the way to be. How can we live like this, my goodness, being slaves to all these irrational ideals/hopes, totally possessed by them? And if you challenge a person to think out of their comfort beliefs for just a minute watch how the most loving conscious person turns on you and becomes violent in just a blink of the eye, now that’s scary. All because they have conditioned themselves to think they are their beliefs and now it’s too much for them to consider that they are not, or what life would be like without all these beliefs? Who would we be without our beliefs? They forgot how life used to be without all these beliefs, always justifying that people/they need them and that it would be the worst thing ever if people did not have beliefs. You hear people say things like ‘Those beliefs helped us to be less primitive, etc.’ But is that really true or just something we tell ourselves? Could it be the reason we do that is because our beliefs have become an entity in itself that has a mind of its own and its own interests to protect, not ours? It’s funny that people are so afraid to be possessed by evil spirits, but not aware they are already are possessed with thoughts, ideals, beliefs/irrationality and their own conditioning, which can be 100 times worse than any damage a demon possession can do. (Like in the movie Inception with the main character’s wife that got possessed by an idea and went crazy, making constant problems in his subconscious; that is a good example to explain what I am getting at here.) Beliefs and ideas can be dangerous, such as the idea/belief that I am right and everyone else is wrong and that others need to be killed who do not believe and agree with me, which is pretty sick. Especially if the people who do not agree with such an insane idea are considered evil for not agreeing with it, then we are told we must respect this belief/irrationality/insanity because it comes from the most loving and conscious being of all, that we must obey or else. So for me it was pretty much a multiple-­‐choice questionnaire and I only had 3 options. -­‐What would you do? You're in the public eye and you’re doing something that everyone tells you is inspiring a lot of people and you think you're helping. Then you find out that it’s actually making things worse, do you? A) Forget you found that out and continue doing it anyway, finding ways to justify that it’s ok, too afraid to change and to give up the gravy train popularity it brings? It seems so pretty, positive, easy answers and everyone loves you for doing it, you’re always encouraged and supported to continue on, why give that up? Why not just pretend you never heard it or did not resonate with you? ... B ) stop doing what you did immediately and beat yourself up, give up, becoming depressed, then go do something completely different?. Or C) Bite the bullet, be willing to see it for what it is, that it’s not pretty or positive at all, to be responsible for the mess that you spread. You can risk losing lots of friends, family and followers, as it’s not what they want to hear. Admit it openly and expose it and do what you can to rectify it and turn it around into something helpful again. Even if many hate you for it and you end up making lots of enemies. Being open and honest about this still must be done so as to undo the mess that you had done. I do not know about you or anyone else reading this but I choose C, hence why you see me now speaking up and against the dangers of spirituality. Which one would you choose? I think you get the picture of what we are getting at and why it’s so vast, and these are the things we attempt to convey in the interviews. We did our best to get this across but alas no one got it. I can see how it can seem to be contradictory to what we do, sharing these concepts on spiritual shows, as that was the only opening I had at the time, and it’s also clear why we will not interview on shows like that anymore. Also the other contradictions such as Diego’s abilities, which I will clarify more about later on in this blog. The following are the links to the interviews we did during this time, I was also still confused during this time and did not really understand the project either I just did my best. http://www.jessicamystic.com/events-­‐-­‐radio.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu1QIXv6ueQ And of course the interview with Evita Here is an excerpt from what I shared with her. I cannot ignore spiritual fakeness/stupidity/irrationality. I have to point it out; maybe others will be able to see what I am talking about and the danger in it. I cannot ignore it because I am responsible and most people who follow me and read and follow that stuff get confused. Then they get into all kinds of unpleasant situations, asking me for help out of it or how they ended up being used by people they thought were spiritual but were just sexual perverts or exploiters. When they thought they were becoming more spiritual but instead they just became more psychologically unstable and clung to even more irrationality. These are the people that try to find solutions in the world but only end up making things worse because they are totally confused. We have to look at the spiritual movement from a clinical view as well; I had to come across many people to realize and admit this. The reality is that the more spirituality is on the rise so is depression, like they are linked. The more depressed a person is the more desperate they are to cling to spiritual stratagems of all kinds and the more confused they become, the more dangerous they and their beliefs become. It’s about damage prevention, not comforting people after all the damage is done so to have it happen again and again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap7TQoF23yM&feature=share Chapter: 9 The Candidates’ Aftermath Now I can go into the aftermath of the candidates from The Myth of Fear reality series. Here is where we will be able to see how just seeing a little video about people compares to how they actually are, how we perceive them and what we are not able to see about them. I decided to write the blog in this way so we can see how we deceive ourselves and how easy it is to create confusion about a person. To dissect their situations so as to be able to detect the many things we could not see, and why we could not see them. So let’s see how you did with your ability to perceive the person. Let’s see how you did. Were you able to guess who was able to make it with us and who became lost? a) -­‐David ended up going to japan and meeting Ayumi in person and they had a romantic relationship that lasted about a year. It ended because David made the mistake that many make in which he tried to make Ayumi into his soul-­‐mate and the one for him, which ended up making Ayumi feel uncomfortable with these ideals also because she had a kid and she just got out of an abusive situation so she did not want any more confusion in her life or to feel like she had another kid to take care of. Having this man come into her life who was way younger than her, trying to make himself fit and be what he thought she wanted while trying to be the perfect father to her daughter that he did not even really know because he could not see her as a person but only as a value/ideal. Diego also constantly said to David to consider that Ayumi comes from a very different culture from you and this can create lots of misunderstandings and frustrations if you're not attentive to this fact. They broke up after he returned to the states and was talking about marrying Ayumi. In some ways it was impressive and a big accomplishment for David to go for his dream. He had always wanted to go to Japan away from his controlling overprotective family, to do his best to make it on his own. I think he tried to find a job out there but it proved more challenging than he was aware of. However I still see it as a big accomplishment for him going around the city, not only not being able to speak the language but also being deaf and half blind finding his way around as well as unique ways to communicate. After David and Ayumi broke up, we lost touch with David as if he felt that we let him down in his dream, but this was him building up his ideals on us and making the EOF into what he wanted it to be, not what it actually is, which is something that always comes up for us to do our best to explain or dismantle. Though when a person comes to us with high expectations that are actually impossible standards that make a person create this ideal vision of how they will be, and how life will be in their head if they work with us, then they are in for a big disappointment when after a portion of time what they think they want is still not there. They do not want to consider that they are chasing and feeding a phantom that did not even come from them. When a person realizes this, it then brings them to a critical point; in most cases the person ends up going back to the past and their comfort zone of what they were doing before, such as spirituality and so on. We lost touch with him. Ayumi however is still working on her own dismantling and has been able to see how expectations and ideals of the project can get in the way. She is still working to set up conferences for us in Japan and is even considering having her and her daughter move to live near us. b)-­‐Isa ended up continuing to dismantle with us. At first she would just read the posts here and there, but when she befriended someone in our group (named Pamy, more on her later) who really understood what we were doing, she encouraged Isa to not skim so much and take the time to investigate more into the content. Although the content to her was interesting, it was not helpful enough for her to get out of her rut, so she decided to work with us more hands on and direct, which at first she was practically a mute hardly ever speaking and then after 6 months of us working with her she has now come out of her shell. I am always impressed by Isa’s speed in dismantling and the ability to apply EOF in her life. My goodness, I was not even able to dismantle as fast as she was able to, which is a rare case. c)-­‐Pablo I have always had mixed feelings on Pablo’s intentions with EOF. Sometimes he seemed determined to understand and dismantle, other times it seemed like EOF was just an entertainment to him or a place to pick up chicks. Our facebook group seemed to be a place where he could go to pass the time and pick fights with people and worst of all sexually harass the females who were there to understand confusion. So this made me wonder if he really wanted to dismantle or if this was some joke to him because I did not find it funny. I kept getting private messages from the girls in the group about the vulgar and demented things he was saying to them. I tried to talk about this many times to Pablo and he always would apologize and say I will not do it again only to find him continuing to harass the girls. After many attempts of trying to get through to him I just gave up and blocked him. I suggested Diego do the same but he decided to keep him in the group anyway. I said “It’s not fair to keep people like him in the group, the girls did not go to our group to be harassed by him”. Diego understood what I was getting at but he felt it was good to keep some people in the group who he saw were confused as an example and so the girls would not run away from these kinds of people, because they are everywhere. He wanted to have the girls understand the psychological pattern of this person, to see how it works and why they always fall into their traps and how to communicate with people like this. Then after a while, when Diego felt the girls understood this, whereas Pablo was still not willing to understand, Diego then finally removed him from the group. Though I hear that Pablo seems to very much resent me for blocking him, I only have so much tolerance and patience when it comes to people like that, and he can either spend his time blaming others or be responsible for his actions. Chapter: 10 The Candidates Aftermath -­‐ Katherine I would have never guessed how it would have gone with Katherine. Like I said, it seemed like she was doing the best in the series and was the most clear. I had no idea what was behind the facade of her attempt of seeming like she was together. I spent lots of my own time just talking with her on skype typing away, trying to help her in anyway I could because I was so grateful for all that she had done and contributed to our series, and because I liked the girl, I considered her a friend. She like many felt stuck. She did not want to go to school or get another job that patronized her. She felt suffocated by her family who kept pushing their ideals on her, and just wanted to live her own life, and be free. This is why she was doing EOF as she thought this would help her with that. So as I talked to her more and hearing her situation I myself started to struggle with being able to help her, as I still was not able to communicate without confusion and I did not want to ask Diego either because I had my pride and wanted to figure it out for myself. Actually I have been able to find one of my early conversations, of which I also made into a post I had with Katherine that I would like to share here. To give others an idea of what I thought was the dismantling process at the time. To show some more of my confusion at that time, and how and why the things I shared ended up becoming such a mess. Though from this conversation it’s hard to detect because it seems like it actually went very well. (I also want to add here so there is no more confusion, the things I shared in this letter is not EOF at all. It’s just my old spiritual motivational, inspirational, coaching that I used to do mixed with what I thought the EOF was at that time. There are many things in this discussion that the EOF will never say or even encourage. Sigh, I was still so confused in this conversation.) I mean some things I was actually very clear in, but when I had moments of doubt and resorted back to just one of my usual spiritual coaching tactics then that was enough to make a mess and it’s so subtle to detect, we overlook it all the time and we have all said this one thing that we think is helping and gives comfort and even helps a person to move forward. See if you can guess what it is at the end of this conversation and if you have not been able to figure out what it is I will explain. Behind the Scenes Chat Part #1 with an EOF Pioneer on You’re not as Stuck as you Think This is private chat I had with a fellow EOF Pioneer. Kathryn was going deep but not deep enough for my liking I wanted to accelerate her progress. jessica: hey kat thanks again for the interview once again great sharing. I wanted to talk with you a bit more after the recording. I wanted to share some extra things to accelerate your process, this is the second time we talked about the fear of the unknown and falling in love and in the second episode we went deeper into it. But kat why are you really afraid of those 2 things? kathryn: because I don’t know how to control it. I feel that I can’t let go and to surrender and be ok with those two things. I’m a solution-­‐type thinker. I try and find the best way to do things. Love is something that is not in my "database" as Diego put it and neither is accepting the unknown. jessica: you can not nor never will control it but you can observe how to not react so badly to it. If you search for solutions then you need problems so you're also unconsciously looking for problems. kathryn: yes very well put. i agree with that 100% jessica: or labeling and identifying what you do not understand as a problem or a solution depending on your conditioning? rather than look for solutions understand the problem see how it used to be your friend now its your enemy you never feared such things when you were a kid. That’s what i want you to inquire on why? What happened in the in-­‐ between? That’s your homework and…. get rid of the idea of solutions stop searching.. have you noticed how when you lose an object and you look everywhere for it and you can not find it so you give up and instead just go about your life and one day there it is.. you always find it when you stop caring, your detached, you're not searching, and bam there it is.. spontaneously.. it’s the exact same with finding love.. same with finding everything else.. that’s what i mean when i say stop caring, detach and stop searching. kathryn: ok i will inquire within letting go of solutions and the worrying my gosh people here worry so much. jessica: yes and it's a contagious disease do not let it infect you.. understand what it really is, why its here to begin with, and were its coming from?? others worry because their world of illusions /house of cards is falling down that’s really why.. they know it is, but they refuse to admit that, and see it.. ok that was the first thing on to the second thing you talked about an entrepreneurial multi-­‐level marketing course. kathryn: yes! jessica: you said your thinking about doing it kathryn: i already am in it! jessica: there is lots more out there for you but your still looking for solutions and feeling like you have to make movements to have some kind of progress. perhaps making decisions freak you out because they are not yours but societies pressure to pick one to join your zombie group flock box. so you delay and life is stagnated and you're frustrated just waiting for life to begin and you blame yourself as not being good enough, and who can you talk to that will understand and not say you're losing it right? kathryn: true jessica: but as long as your searching and trying then you're going to trap yourself cause your not clear yet… so making decisions at this time is not the best idea even though you feel pressured and stagnated, every decision you make tends to not work or go the way you want, and all you want is your life to start already. I know I understand this feeling. kathryn: yes jessica: marketing is also fake you have to be a fake person to do it, so something you're not, and it conditions one to look at all people as customers rather than friends or family or as people.. this is a part of the problem not the way to free the world. it just creates more greed and feeds the disease. Nor will it ever free or satisfy you it may seem like a solution but what seems like a solution or a quick fix is usually a pot-­‐hole. If you just do things to pursue money especially when fear or lack is in your mind it becomes a real ugly painful pothole. The more you think about what you really want to do and love and do not think about money and how you will get the more it will come in a more natural less stressful way. kathryn: it was most definitely based off greed. i'm thinking i can make enough money to go off and do the things i want… jessica: yes they give you ideas in the future of how it will be but never explain about the in between or the present moment but the what if’s you sell so much and you're set for life, that’s all you see that’s all they tell you. They try to make you think like it is so easy and that you would be stupid not to do it; this is a classic commercial manipulative psychology. kathryn: i just want to be free.... jessica: i know these pitches very well, they are all the same and it works every time cause no one can think clear. they are either seeing with their greed or in fear looking for a solution to make it work dreaming of ideas that are not theirs but implants of pictures/ counterfeit dreams/ideal from other people, from the system. i know u want to just be free kat.. we are helping you with that we can only go as fast, deep, and honest as you're willing to go with in yourself. Talking on video can make one nervous harder to open up hence we can go deeper via typing, we feel safer hidden in some way so we can reveal more. but careful as sometimes what we want so bad often turns out with us getting the exact opposite with a side order of unpleasant surprises complimentary of the more you resist you persist. this happens to so many i want to guide and navigate you through and past this phase… while you're going through the process kathryn: thank you. jessica: what do you really want kat? aside from love and such? do you want to live where you are in AB forever? or do you dream of somewhere else? What’s been calling to you? im not saying that traveling will solve your problems but it will give you a new perspective on them and some peace away from the hectic-­‐ness and pressure in order to be more clear and open to what will reveal itself to you kathryn: peru jessica schab: ok good, and what’s stopping u from going there? kathryn: money jessica: your not in debt? kathryn: nope jessica: im not nor have I ever been in debt because it was my only goal and mantra I told myself growing up.. do u have any savings? kathryn : i have $1000 to my name jessica: i had $2000 when i left for my trip to costa rica, asia, australia (at that time I also was planning to go india Africa south America to some how but I ended up meeting diego and that all changed :) i had no idea how i was going to afford such a crazy trip but i went anyway determined to make it work ,well i knew it would just work , i had been traveling since i was 21 on my own with no money knowing the more i trusted the more it would work. Just cause we could not see or imagine the doors that are open for us does not mean they are not there. There are more then we can fathom if we would only open up to it, surrender to it be true to ourselves for once we would see, all that is hidden from us. This is why I became and example and something like a spiritual speaker.. I wanted others to do the same but they were too scared. It worked out for me better than i or anyone could have imagined and its not because I was lucky but because I was honest and had a good relationship with the unknown I did not fear it, it was my friend. That’s the beauty of trusting the unknown.. though i know if you're like most people that want to travel… but they say no.. i have to work and save up more.. think how i can make money to be free.. oh maybe school, maybe this, and we put it off, and put it off.. or something comes up.. something always comes up…its always just out of reach.. then something else comes up and its all really fear and its not real.. but it sure is good at appearing real and stopping us…so we let fear make us into its bitch.. but it’s a choice and I am always so curious to see what’s behind the fear anyway.. we think we will live forever but we do not really know… to me if i do not do it now, then i will never do it, so I do it. kathryn: im crying jessica: it happens (hug) .. i wish i recorded this with voice to arg maybe we will post this as the behind the scenes conversations with the EOF pioneers behind the scenes are you ok with that? kathryn: yes sounds like a plan jessica: rather than have it read out with robot voice in the first episode you remember a guy named david & he is fully deaf and half blind. he was very trapped by his family and school he was depressed for many years, suicidal and had many nervous breakdowns 2012 was the most brutal and insane pain for him, and all he wanted to do was go to japan .. you will hear more of his story soon. he stood out on my fb wall as he seemed to really understand what me and diego were posting so i decided to ask him and he was nervous about doing something public like that so we talked about hiding his identity at first. until we could get him past that fear as well. kathryn: i cant wait jessica: but with just one chat with him and he was willing to go deep right away and be so honest about his struggles and observations that after that one chat. Its hard to get guys for this project as so few guys have the balls to openly talk about these things. So from that one chat in just one month from now he will be going to japan, he has a host family and already a job waiting for him that opened up cause i pushed him to just go for japan no matter what… no delays.. or fears to get in the way or just go past them. Who is more determined you or your fears? there was so much drama around it for him to… his family found out and tried to stop him his host family canceled.. he did not have the money.. he had no job to go to out there so he was not sure how he would do it just that he must and on and on. kathryn: wow jessica: everything that could have possibly go wrong did.. and i said just stay strong hold on to the vision, observe the fears they are a language a friend you communicate them in order to change your reality like magic overnight and he did.. I mean boy did he ever.. just like that. he had to go past his family's wishes for him and for them to see they can not control or protect him anymore.. and when his family saw that.. they went from doing what they could to stop him to supporting him 100% from fear to excitement and understanding. his host family had to cancel, because there was someone better.. another family that had a deaf child that had connections to a hearing impaired school in japan; that happened to be looking for someone who could speak sign language in American, so they could learn that way to aside from just japanese sign language. and it all came from the unknown its so funny cause we are so afraid of the unknown we have no idea its our best friend just waiting for us. then his dad once he saw he was serious and they could not change his mind surprised him and gave him a huge chunk of money to live in japan as well. David used to think his family was against him when they were actually never against him. it was all his own 'suffering' mind virus that caused the whole mess. then confusion lead into fears.. then fears grew into an enemy. That was what David used to believe until he saw whole thing which is completely the opposite he used to believe his family was against him (except his father) the only one who he believes supports him was his father. but now he sees that, his whole family, including his father supports him. and with this, I hope this will help his family to heal together, fixing all' misunderstanding' from families issues.. Even if people have the money they have other excuses why they cannot go or to put it off. Fear will always find an excuse and reason to put it off… this could be the same case for you if you're brave enough and willing to stop trying for solutions always addressing the symptoms rather than the root? kathryn: it could be… it is an inspiration jessica: whatever you do, don’t think about money or anything like that.. just think about what’s really you.. what you want out of life.. where you want to be and do that instead.. otherwise you will just spinning circles running to stand still as diego calls it.. yes that’s what i want for you to be an inspiration as well another success story.. and we did not charge you anything for it. We want nothing from you or anyone just to see people free, but really free, not fake free like we so often confuse and see… if u really want to go to peru pick a date.. stick to it.. buy a one way ticket.. i will ask my friends in peru to see who can meet you and look out for you and show you what you could do there; maybe a tour guide, or something, who knows? just be open and be honest with yourself you may even create your own thing or be selected for something that is just perfect for you, like what happened for david.. i will also show you couchsurfing and a bunch of other options and explain some cautions about that country but do not let that deter you from going. Its good to be aware but don’t dwell or fear go past it… i have so many connections all over the world thanks to what i do with like minds.. I love having them help me help others and they love it to.. its exactly what i did for david.. and all my friends in japan responded such as Ayumi from the EOF series/documentary that u saw.. kathryn: yes, thank you jess. jessica: i know david will also meet his partner there in japan. Like our friend met his partner here in bali who happened to be from japan. I even told him it would happen but it was too much for him to see at that time..(o-­‐O ah I can not stomach myself as I read this.) but thats why david felt so compelled to go there for so long like he was being called there.. you must honor this and go even if it makes no sense at this time it will later.. we give people the opportunity to get clear in their mind and see what is there for them just waiting to fall into place. kathryn: awww well i hope so that would be a great story to tell jessica: he put up with so much BS all for the dream of japan that was always so far away.. but it all stopped when he saw exactly how he was creating and feeding the BS by always seeing and believing in just that.. .. yes it will be in future episodes.. the series/documentary is going to be very long because we have so much to say and do.. it will also be very deep, very unique, & very quantum/metaphysical done like a mystery like the tv show lost style but done as a conscious interactive reality youtube series documentary and it will be very scary as we are going to go and talk about things that few dare to talk about.. people will either be open and willing to handle it or not… we will also be sharing the success stories of all of you.. the second episode is already better than the first even my acting is better lol.. and the graphics & spfx to… it will be unlike anything that has ever been seen before. (ahh facepalm) ok so if you're really serious about peru and you commit to it then i want you to research it a bit and see what you find what calls or stands out to you.. once i know you're serious i can start hooking you up.. and do not worry about the money if this is what you really want to do it will just come, trust, just be open to it.. ok 3rd thing..how long have u been wearing the cedar pendant? kathryn: mmmm.... about a year.. yes i will. i say peru because i want to see machu picchu, but i still want to go to bali and visit you. i want to go to europe again as well as Siberia Russia. jessica: pick one.. which one means the most to you? of course it will lead to all of them but we just need one right now to start to focus on for you to get clear about which will set things up for you to fall into place so perfectly in the either first but also align with your destiny to..i have to weave the two together ;) have you ever taken off the pendant? kathryn: yeah i take it off quite a bit. jessica: you have to ring not the cedar kathryn: i like that jessica: what’s the longest you have gone with out wearing it? kathryn: im definitely not ringing, only my ears ring jessica: good then you're starting to ring kathryn: wow jessica: i can not wait to write my blog about how me and diego met or how it all came about it’s a heck of a story and mind bender even just sharing what its like to be in a relationship with this guy.. he is something else it would make anyone’s head spin… kathryn: I will wait for the blog jessica: ok so with the cedar pendant see how long you can go with out wearing it.. its not that its bad or anything its not.. its just it can very easily abduct our own identity, values and replace it with someone else’s and ideals its another box and i want you to be free to go beyond all beliefs ideas and so forth. I did the same and so its been months since i worn my cedar at first it was so hard i was so addicted to not wear it, not anymore. I’m not interested in wearing it anymore and i am no longer living in the shadow of it. im going to have david contact you to further help you as well. kathryn : then i will do the same and see how it changes. How much of a hold it has you. You may be surprised. jessica: yes we will see and skype me and message me keep me posted bye -­‐ Wow reading that was extremely hard for me because I can see again how confused I was and so wanted to help, that I had to always seem like I knew what I was saying and talking about which is bad habit that spiritual speakers all seem to have. I can see that I was the reason so many of the pioneers got confused and this made me feel terrible, like I was sabotaging the EOF with my confusion as if I was not fit for EOF either. What the heck is Diego doing thinking I can do this and help represent the project? I so badly wanted to prove I was dismantled to him and to myself, and the more I did the more I pushed things without thinking fully what was behind my pushings and what was really going on... Oh if I had to do it all over again I would have done things so different. I have to now be like a laser with all these things, staying attentive to always detect and dismantle all confusion, hence why I write my blogs in this way with two minds, the way I thought in the past and how I see things now so you guys will be able to do the same, in hopes that you will be able to detect as many traps as possible. Anyway, Katherine became very inspired from that little chat and went shortly after in booking her ticket to Peru. I was so proud of her; she was doing it, she was going for her dream. I was able to help her do this like I did with David, like I did with myself in which I felt was one of the best things I ever did was to just travel and see how things unfolded and just worked out. And when Katherine made the announcement to her family about her plans to drop everything and go for her dream by going to Peru. Her parents freaked out and we got some angry letters from her mother who was furious at us for talking her daughter into doing such a crazy thing. Oddly enough they blamed Diego for this, not me. It was suddenly all Diego’s fault, he was the one influencing their baby not me. Diego never suggested to Katherine to go for her dreams or to go to peru. But when he heard this was something she wanted to do, he too thought it would be good for her to go for what she thinks to want. To see if it is actually what she wants, or was something else behind that dream? I tried to explain to Katherine’s mother our intentions, but she had made it in her head that we were no good and were manipulating and brainwashing her daughter, because she no longer wanted to do what her family wanted her to do. Katherine was questioning everything, even her family and religion. The more I tried to clarify things to the mother, the more determined and convinced her mother was that we were brainwashing Katherine. She had her mind made up on this, and when someone does that then they cannot be reasoned with. The mother was consumed in her own beliefs and conditioning and was so sure that her daughter needed to be and see the exact same, meaning pushing her conditioning and ideals on her child. Making Katherine feel confused and torn between her family, which was the known; and us: the EOF, thinking, questioning, and the unknown. Here is a letter from her mother and our response. -­‐A Conversation with an EOF Pioneers Parent: On their Fears of Having Their Child Travel on their Own. And Our Response to Her I have read this thread and my stomach is in knots.. as your parents...we have always encouraged travel...your trip to Austria was 4 months.. we saw you off happily...this trip has no planning.. no where to stay.. planning in taking a cab from the airport to where??? You are trusting the universe? common sense and intuition are what you need to trust) Your funds are limited.. no health care should you require in case of emergency...Jessica and group don't "know" you kat...we do...we are not your enemy we love you and don't want to see you harmed. Jessica’s/my response: -­‐ what we resist persists... it ok to inform the kid so they can be aware of potential dangers, but when one forces their fears on their kids putting visuals and getting them to focus and always worry, then they can not see clear and visuals are very powerful.. most parents are not aware they are doing instead they see it as when it happens ‘see, i am right, you need to listen to me and stay near me’.. its a much better idea to encourage your daughter to find out for herself not doubt or say ‘you're too naive you're too this or that’.. as that will only make her doubt her intuition should a situation come up where she will not be able to think clearly on what she needs to do because she is too paralyzed by fear and see I told you... i have traveled on my own since i was 21, with no money, and no plans. the most dangerous places i have been in the states i was ok because i did not fall into fear. i knew i would be fine and i was able to have what i needed comes to me to steer me out of close calls every time. i became more aware and confident, i shared my story with the world and inspired many. i became famous this way. it was not my intent i was not trying to become famous, it was a side effect from liberating myself. it opened up so many doors that i could not see nor could others but i knew something was there.. my mother was very similar to you to.. i was so sheltered and over protected all my life and even more so when my sister died then my father.. i was pretty much taught to hide and be afraid of the world ‘don't go on a bus jess you will get stolen because your so pretty, naive and trusting blah blah.’.... then i went on the bus i did not get stolen. i started to wonder hmm was this my fear or my mothers fear? is this my mothers fear or societies fear? i found out so many fears ideas and beliefs were not mine but someone elses. i decided to travel my mom begged me not to go, she did everything to stop me in the name of love and care concern she said. but i was determined, she saw that there was no stopping me and i went and now she is so amazed and so proud of me.. i taught her to travel with no money no plans to.. the beauty of the unknown. how you do not need much to have an amazing trip. before my mom would never go anywhere rarely leave her house thanks to me she has now been to hawaii, costa rica, and bali on less then a month notice.. each time she was so fearful she found many reasons why we should not go and worried.. always the worst stories for every place we went. bali she was worried about cannibals and komono dragons eating us. every-­‐time she went to these new exotic places she found out everything she read and heard was totally wrong and it made her think hmm what else inside my head is wrong? so much of our fears and stories we tell ourselves is total bs yet we act like its true and try to convince our loved one to which causes all kinds stress tensions and problems and all of it unnecessary all of it because of an idea. how about you yourself momma kat, go on an exotic trip all by yourself, with no money, no plan, no one you know, last minute and find out for yourself how amazing and liberating it can be? how everything works out better then you could have imagined or planned.. life does not care about our plans its spontaneous and stimulating keeps you on your toes and opens your mind and eyes like never before.. well once before when you were a kid you knew this so well do you remember? -­‐ -­‐ would you rather have your daughter near you always doing what the world and others expect of her always knowing that she is safe close by yet miserable? ( though mind you having your child close by does not necessarily mean they will be safe from dangers. Accidents can happen close by to).. or would you rather have your girl, free and happy living her own life how she wants to? -­‐ -­‐ if i would have stayed put and not traveled im pretty sure i would be stuck in a dead end job or career in debt from school and in with the wrong man and totally miserable and feeling stuck perhaps with kids of my own. i will feel regret and hope my kids have a better life but i'm too scared for them so i end up recreating my own sad pattern passing it on to my kids.. like how it is for most people unfortunately nowadays -­‐ diegos father once told him he was crazy to leave italy and live in another country now he says, “stay where you are, our country is getting crazy falling apart. we live in stress and worry all the time.. i see my son you do not live in stress or worry or fear at all you were right to go i wish i had the courage to do the same.. diego and i are more than willing to talk with you anytime you like to answer any of your questions. -­‐Diego’s response: -­‐ -­‐ Kats mom@ i'm 'traveling' since 6 years (in term of moving in a place and stay there for months). I never ever made plans. I simply followed a bunch of information's collected by using the global network 'couchsurfing' (to say one) or the web in general ...and (as you rightly wrote) my intuition and MY sense (not the common one which is mostly about fear). So i went to so many countries in Europe.. in India.. In Indonesia and so on.. My ticket has been always one way ticket. I understand you concern... it's natural ! .. but you have no idea on how many people )of all different ages) i met traveling alone or with others.. having no money (most of them) no plans... but all of them were quite happy and totally responsible people (i'm not talking about hippies or other lunatics).. I suggest you to see this from another perspective so to slowly erase your (understandable) concern. In regard of Peru: again : i know some western people i met around the world who went to Peru in the Cuzco/Macchu Picchu area and they say the only problem there is the altitude sickness for the first days... nothing else. My ex girlfriend who was living with me here in Bali felt the need to go to Peru and so one year ago she left.. She went there with no money, no contacts, no plans nor place where to stay and alone ! Now is one year she is there ... she found a little job, she created a network of friends (westeners and locals) and she never had any problems ... Please: your concern is understandable... but find out for yourself which fears come from your feelings and which ones come from the cultural-­‐social environment in which you live.. When i decided to move to Bali my brother said to me : it's your choice but be careful: you are going to live among the cannibals ... surrounded by vampires ! But... can you believe it ? In almost 5 years here i've never seen a cannibal, nor someone fighting... and the bats here are actually very kind and cute -­‐ if i have kids or not is irrelevant 'because my previous comment here is not pointing out the responsibility toward the 'kids' (especially when the kids are actually adults) but it is entirely focused toward your person and the relationship you are having with yourself.. which is your main responsibility. Again: your concern is normal and understandable.. but do not use the 'kids'/adults as mirrors where to project your inner fears... Understand them.. communicate with them with no confusions nor attempts to control them ... but rather in total understanding.. Fear something doesn't lead to safety .. nor to responsibility... but just to oppression, control and new fears.. Is this what you want from your kids ? Fears? A repressed mind ? Insecurity ? I don't think so -­‐ mind you are not the person who knows your daughter better than anyone: there is a person who knows your daughter better than you and that person is your daughter -­‐ -­‐-­‐ In the end of all this Katherine decided to go to Peru anyway despite all the pressure and everything the family tried to do to talk her out of going. Which made her family even more furious with us and even more determined to get Katherine back and totally under their thumb. Kat’s mom’s approach very much reminded me of the mother from the Disney animated movie Tangled. It’s a good example of how we become so controlled and manipulated by our parents via fear. All in the guise of love and protection and ‘we are doing this for your own good’ but sometimes it’s just to feed selfish reasons of keeping the kid controlled and dependent on the family. So they would do what they wanted, and so that they could stay in their comfort zone of familiarity box that they are most familiar with. Only to compare themselves with other families that everything stays in their idea of what is normal and safe. What was Kat’s family so afraid of anyway? We did not push or brainwash her at all, the EOF is about just the opposite, to think outside of all our beliefs and ideals. But to conditioned people they can get so nervous about this concept that their mind tries to convince them that we are a threat. And why were we a threat? Perhaps it’s because their daughter was now thinking, questioning, and standing up to them? How much involved should we get in a situation like this? Is there a line when it comes to these things? Or is it just more conditioning to be dismantled that should not be respected at all? I think Katherine got way more than she bargained for when she signed up to the EOF. We said we go deep but she had no idea just how deep we would go, I have to admit I was surprised too. I did everything I could to look out for her and make sure she was taken care of by our friends every step of the way. I even arranged for her to have a little job if she needed it and if she wanted to stay longer there and create a life. The Internet connection was not always good but when we did get to talk while she was in Peru. She seemed to be struggling a lot. She felt alone, lost, and afraid she did not know what to do with herself. It was incredible she finally had her dream, some freedom and peace and she not only did not like it, she was scared of it. How can we be afraid of something like this? To a point that we sabotage our peace and freedom every chance we get. This was a scary part of conditioning I did not see before, but once I saw it with Katherine, I could see it in myself how I did the same and I could see it in others too, which brought a chill down my spine. I could see more and more how dangerous our confusion was. I started to slowly see what Diego was seeing. There was a time I remember I wanted that so bad, thinking it would be so wonderful to see what he sees, but I was wrong. It’s not wonderful at all. It’s disturbing and very unpleasant, but it’s reality; it must be faced, not always avoided or counterfeited. Once again my ideas told me otherwise, but when I got to the point I wanted I could see what it actually was and not how I thought it was at all. I did my best to comfort Katherine during these times, to help her to understand what was going on, how her conditioning was fighting peace. But I did not know exactly why her mind was doing this. I could not just say it was conditioning, as it was not enough to dismantle from it, and this is something I still struggle with to this day. What do I say to get them to understand when words can act like hidden mines in a field? How do I get Katherine to open up and say what is really bothering her? Diego would only listen to my chats with her. He did not say much and when he did say something to her it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. I told Katherine the best thing to do was just sit and wait the fear out; this is her chance to face it or forever run from it, sit with it see what is really so scary. The chat I had with her ended again on a good note. It seemed like everything was fine that I finally got through to her. Diego was not convinced; he said “let’s see what happens next”. A few days later Katherine up and flew back to Canada. She only stayed in Peru for about 5 days in total, which was a lot shorter than I expected. After all, she was talking about staying months. Then I got a strange letter from her saying that she did not like Peru at all because there was no Jesus there. (Uhmmmm what? Where the heck did this come from? Katherine never let on that she was religious at all, so it came to complete surprise to me but not to Diego, he had enough experience to know the pattern by now.) All he said was, “so Jesus only lives in Canada now, not Peru or anywhere else in the world, ok right. That’s a reason to fly back home to your comfort zone.” But the strange letters were not done. Katherine then proceeded to say how much I have changed in the last year that I was not the girl she thought I was. She said ‘what happened to you Jess, you used to say you would never date a guy who smokes and drinks alcohol? You used to want a guy like in the Anastasia books to build a space of love and such…’ (Uhmmnn what? Where is all this coming from, why bring all this up now? I thought she knew about my changes, and I was open about Diego too so why is she saying this, as if it’s the first time she heard it and was shocked and disgusted by this?) She then went on to say, ‘I have strayed from my path and have gone over to the dark side because I let myself and my light be tainted by Diego.’ Ok I know where this going, Diego is the evil creature who brainwashed me and let me guess? I need to repent to Jesus? Yep that’s what the letter was getting at. Repent for what, for thinking? Or because her idea and expectations of me did not match how I actually was, and because she did not like it, she had to take it into this needing to be saved by Christ? (Come on seriously?) She then talked about joining a camp where she educates kids about Jesus; this is not much different from the disturbing Jesus camp documentaries out there. When Katherine referred to herself she called herself ‘a slave of Christ’ and this was the way to be. (what?) She explained this was the real reason she had lost her way and fell into fear, because she had strayed from Jesus but thanks to her family they showed her the way and brought her back to the flock. Diego found this totally intolerable and exchanged many letters with her of the negligence and violence she was spreading to these poor kids, not to mention the many who have cried died and been tortured because of this idea of jesus, and so much more which I am sure you can imagine, there are many letters we shared on our walls regarding Katherine. Here is one response letter Diego wrote to Katherine-­‐ All the archetypes you claim to meet again as your saviors.. such as christ, god and so on... are products of thoughts... man manufactured stratagems to cover up the personal confusions by masking fears through collective illusory tools...: It can works within a community and family of course (i'm not saying and i never said those people are bad people!) ... but it will never and ever work within the mind... if not only by manipulating the mind fully ! But just try to think and see historically and intimately: where are we know after millenia of gods and christ's ? Where are we now? Where are you now? Nowhere! Struggling with the same fears and doubts.. psychological weakness and suffering... trying to match the values that religions want you to follow. I' m sorry for what happened and i'm not saying you are right or wrong.. All of what i did and share with you was entirely aimed to make you able and willing to liberate your mind by the understanding of your fears .. and by liberating your psyche from all conditioning's .. You were not born with the idea of christ .. Nor with the idea of god... and so is nature and you are nature and that's freedom I'm sorry if this bothers you ... You made your choice and i truly hope it will work for your mind (no sarcasm here)... After all i'm not totally surprised of your behavior: by doing what i'm doing i have seen so many people giving up and coming back to their previous mental structures (it's what in psychology is called the 'transfer' and 'anti-­‐
transfer')... i just didn't expect it from you ... Sometimes, being honest, i have the pulsation to give up me too .. and to live my life without talking with people about this stuff anymore.. 'cause the many do not want freedom in their mind... they want separation.. conflicts.. what's right and what's wrong... gods and all other archetypes to cage the mind into their psycho-­‐social comfort zone... over and over across the history .. seeking for consensus and consolation... The constant refusal of freedom perpetrated by the social and mental human structures... that's my fear ! and that's all i have to say.. I really hope you will find the peace you are looking for -­‐Diego After that I was able to fill in the blanks with what had transpired with some help from Diego. While Katherine was struggling on her own in Peru, she decided to contact her family and inform them that she was having a hard time, and that things were harder than she thought. To which her parents most likely said she needs jesus and to find to a church nearby, but when she found there were not many churches or one nearby, her parents most likely said this was not a good a sign. That she needs to come back and be with them where she belongs. So Katherine did, and with it came an ambush from the family, we are worried about you, you’re straying away from us and jesus and we know it’s not your fault. We researched EOF and see what they say about god, they are trying to deceive you to take you away from him and thus to the dark side. It happened to jessica now she is trying to do it to you. I am pretty sure that was the dialog between them and the conviction to that lead to many letters from Katherine saying we cannot be doing any good or helping anyone if we are not encouraging the idea of jesus, thus we are damned/doomed. You know that old dinner roll that we have heard for a millennia, such a sick game of psychological fear and manipulation to keep people controlled and stuck. It’s been like this for so long and everything is so twisted. People are kept afraid of being bad and evil being told all kinds of mixed messages to the point people have no idea and just imitate who they are told to, who is good, but it’s fake and adds to more internal and external conflict. And the ghosts of the past are still in the psyche of the terrible past and price that came from embracing such beliefs. I can hear it from people who claim they know jesus is real because they feel him in their heart and all the love. They say this with such nervousness in their voice as if they are trying to convince themselves still so as to ignore the ghosts that say, ‘you believe because for many years your ancestors have been tortured and killed until they agreed to accept and believe in their god, their jesus.’ There were no other options that were given. What else could the people do? The belief came from fear and violence and that is why it continues today, no matter how loving it claims to be, it’s not. Nor can it dispute its terrible history and its roots born from confusion and illusion. I can hear people now saying no there is lots of good things from the bible and that belief doesn’t cancel it all out, don’t throw out the baby with the bath water, which is a term I am really starting to not like. If we just think about it for a bit, about this, we would not drink a glass that was full of 98% juice and 2% poison, so why would we do this with our mind? We do not think about this. We think if we are positive and loving that we will be immune to these things, but it’s just another lie warped around the onion of tears for thousands of years. Then here we are trying to be god or christ like, which comes from their idea of god, not what these beliefs actually are. All you need to do is read the bible of the atrocities and demented messages. Even jesus has said some disturbing stuff and is actually pretty sexist, and all these things have lead to my deep concern I have that the more people strive to be like these deities the more bi polar and violent we become. Everyone who does not agree or questions this is suddenly called evil, but if we think thoroughly about this we know that is not the case. We can see what is behind it all, the confusion the illusions of our invented beliefs, how we have become victims/hostages to them. The challenging and frustrating thing is getting through to people like Katherine and her family who have based their whole psychological security on these ideas, these illusions, that refuse to think for even one week or one day or one hour or even one minute without their crutch of a belief. Even if they know they will not be condemned for thinking just a minute outside of their beliefs, they still will not do it and will fight you tooth and nail. No wonder so many hide and just tell others what they want to hear so as not to have problems, or why people feel it’s fine to exploit others if they are gullible enough to fall for it. Nevertheless, that does not make it ok, it only makes it harder to get through to a person. I have to say back then I was so scared. This was the end of fear and I had more fear than ever before with how Katherine and her family responded to what we were doing. I hated conflict and having people think these things about us without really knowing us. I had spent so much of my time going out of my way to avoid conflict, to not step on toes, to not offend, to comfort others but now things were different. I could see I was being violent with myself by holding my tongue by not speaking my mind but choosing to sweep issues under the rug because they were just too unpleasant, or would offend people. As scary as it was to start speaking my mind it was also liberating to not have to hold back and repress or suppress anymore. But this is something shocking to the many. It can put people off; this is not proper conduct to so many. It’s not ok to speak our mind, its only ok to speak in what people expect and want that stems from our conditioning. It’s alarming for people they immediately assume I was put up to do this by Diego but I was not. He never asked anything of me nor has he really told me what to do. He gives the odd suggestion, but that’s all. I decided to liberate myself from holding back for so long when I started to feel more confident that I could help to explain EOF using myself as an example yet again. Diego is not psychic in the way many people think. So how does he know or sense these things will happen before they happen with these pioneers? His response to that is, “It’s the story of my life, I have had to deal with this for forever, so I know the patterns well. I do not know others thoughts, I know the thoughts behind their thoughts, I know their movements too. I know the patterns, and that’s more than enough. It’s been trial and error on refining how to get through to these people. Even with all the knowing of things to come it’s not enough, it’s never enough, its constant repeating, everyone is too damn busy and deaf. But when you start to go deep with a person-­‐ I have talked to my psychologists friends about this and they refer to it as every psychologist’s worst enemy and that is the transfer. Which means that after a few months of digging into a person’s psychological mud and confusion they will reach a point where they will freak out and feel like it is too much, and then they turn on you. They can just up and disappear from your life, or become very angry at you or just go insane. The reason is when you're poking and prodding in a person’s comfort zone and all the scary nasty thoughts come up and out they start to think they are all those thoughts but they are not, if they can see that then the person can make it past the transfer time period, also humor helps as well to laugh at how ridiculous we are. If a person can see this process as interesting rather than scary or threatening then we know we can proceed further with them. But in Katherine’s case with the many letters and attempts to explain so she and her family can understand, which was a long shot but we had to try, there is EOF mission impossible for you again. Of course, it’s unlikely for them all to just be free from beliefs that have been there for their whole life and beyond, of course they will chose the past and what they know even if it means recreating our bloody, embarrassing, painful, human history yet again. In the end we had to block Katherine and her constant attempts to convert us. I blocked her first; I did not like talking to a brick wall. What is the point if it all falls on deaf ears? Why waste my time and energy on someone who does not want to understand? I still feel this way to this day and will very quickly filter people out. Again, it’s not about if they agree or disagree with us, it’s about are they thinking or possessed by their belief? I have seen Diego waste too much time on trying to get a person to understand only to have it be for nothing. Which is why because of examples like Katherine Angela and Shiva we are very selective and particular to whom we respond to. Chapter 11 -­‐ The Candidates Aftermath -­‐ Angela and Shiva Angela to me feels like one of the many Frankensteins I created/or fueled. Here is the story and the reason why I say that. It’s just another example of why this new age spiritual thinking concerns us so much. When I first met Diego I argued with him often about spiritual speakers and healers. I felt they were helping, he said they were not. I felt I was helping he said I was not. Yes, I was at first upset but there was something else more important than me being upset or right, and that was my keen interest to understand what he meant by that. Iif he was seeing something I did not see, then I wanted to be able to see it too. Like I said before, when I was finally able to see it, I really did not like it, and I was also amazed that I was not able to see it all this time. All the things we hide from ourselves fascinated me, there are so many things I never thought about before to which Diego would chime in now how many other thoughts are there that you have not thought about before? Angela and Shiva contacted me to do private sessions on my spiritual coaching. They had seen my videos and felt I could help them. This was in early April before our reality series, when I first started to work with them. Even though I was reluctant to do spiritual coaching around that time, I really felt like I had no choice–it was the only thing I had to meet my basic expenses. Diego did his best to make my expenses less stressful for me by sharing expenses and taking me to cheap places for groceries, he always was tight as he only had his small writing job for universities. We were very tight financially and just getting by, and we were living in a 3 world country. So I accepted to give my spiritual coaching to Angela and Shiva and tried to do my best to give the advice that everyone had liked from me, that inspired others that made people look at me in such admiration and awe. Perhaps I liked to feel this identity, to feel like a somebody. I think my pride also liked that I could get people to listen to me, that they saw the value in what I did. Maybe it was even a bit of competition with Diego. He could say what he wants about my/these beliefs but this is what brings the people to me, not him. This gave me security as well but also the grounds to feed my old beliefs and comfort zones. Like I said before, old rd
habits die-­‐hard. This made me into a hypocrite, as I was not a good example of EOF or able to walk the talk. Of course this did not help my depression and only added to it. The more I felt the inertia of this lost, depressed, feeling the more I clung to my old identity, so it was really a vicious circle in which I knew better but I did not know how to think outside of the pattern, so just kept on repeating. I am glad Diego never held this against me, or got upset with me for doing this, as he knew I would understand soon enough what I was doing and I would be able to figure out how to get out of it, but unfortunately it would be the hard way for me. Why must we always insist on learning the hard way I wonder? It was Angela who wrote me on behalf of Shiva. According to her, it was Shiva who needed the coaching, not her. Angela wanted me to help Shiva become more spiritually advanced like Angela felt she herself already was. They were inspired by my crystal child PC interview and that old video convinced Angela I would be the best one to help Shiva with this. I thought doing sessions like this was still ok; as long as I made them aware of the dangers of beliefs, my spiritual coaching would be fine. I really still had no idea that it was the whole of spirituality that set up the mess, not just some of it like I and so many often think. When I did my first chat with Shiva, I was informed that Angela would be in the room to monitor, to take notes and maybe even translate the call. But when I started to ask Shiva questions, it was Angela that would speak on her behalf. I rarely heard Shiva’s voice. Since Angela was always there and always had something to say, I suggested that we do the sessions together as they are a couple, so that’s two people to work with, first separately then together. But that did not work because Angela mostly talked for Shiva again, even answered her personal questions for her. I then realized it was not just about spiritual growth, it was also about their relationship and the problems they were having, even though they tried to make it seem like they had the perfect relationship. When I started to point this out this impressed them, and convinced them that I had some kind of psychic power to see this. So they also put me in charge of healing and fixing their relationship, which made me nervous; I have never really been asked to do this for a couple before and I was not sure if I was qualified to do something like this. I did not see myself as an example of relationships really, I did not have much experience in that department. As for my relationship with Diego, I was not sure how to explain it to others, as it certainly was not a typical relationship. I was still figuring it out myself as well. Should I give advice for something I am in the middle of trying to figure out myself? I thought. “No jess,” I responded to myself, “just stick to what you know, what people like you the most for. You can do this without Diego, he has shown you more than enough–it’s time to do it on your own. Angela kept speaking for Shiva. I found this odd and I did my best to work with them so to keep things in balance and not one sided. At first Angela seemed to always make it about Shiva, that I just had to get Shiva up to par with Angela, but it was soon apparent it was not about Shiva at all but Angela. They then started booking sessions with me all the time. I found myself on a pedestal with them. I was the one they thought who could answer all their questions; they thought I had all the answers, even when I said I did not–this does not matter when a person makes you into their guru, then you cannot escape their ideas of you. At the end of all of our chats they made it out that they understood and were happy and doing so much better; but then something would happen and they would fall apart again, and it was back to the drawing board again. What was it? Was I losing my touch or was I seeing that this spiritual stuff actually does not work if not only temporarily? How did I not see this before? Perhaps it was because I had an identity and made to feel special through others’ dependency and expectations on me that was constantly rewarded with consensus and confirmation all the time that. I became blind to the fact I was just a mere a drug; I had no magical powers at all. But as long as people believed I did, I would to them because they would always seek to confirm that to themselves and nothing else. Only if they really wanted to see what was going on, then they would understand how they make people into drugs, especially the ones they are most fond of, but most of the time people refuse to see this so it stays hidden from people. Angela and Shiva kept trying to seem like a perfect couple that had it all together, even with their problems they were willing to work on, but when I talked to Diego about them, he said “it’s totally not true; go deeper with them and you will see the mess they are covering up”. Sure enough that is exactly what I found, to the point that I was getting overwhelmed with these 2 and their manipulation and confusion, particularly from Angela, always repressing and controlling Shiva–it was sickening. I felt over my head and did not know what else to say. Nothing worked, but they still wanted some new advice from me. I felt I had to bring in the big guns and I was not able to bring them about yet on my own so I asked Diego to join me in the sessions with them. Again, it seemed like it was working, that Diego was getting through to them finally. They were a challenge, but that is reality, so when the reality show idea had come into the picture I decided I would ask them to be on it. I wanted an extreme example of a couple struggling in a mess and able to dismantle it all. I wanted a dramatic before and after, with confusion; after all we needed solid examples to demonstrate to people. I just saw it like a commercial, ‘before I was struggling and now we are not, now we have the perfect relationship and life is all peachy thanks to being able to explore these things with the EOF.’ (facepalm) But it was not long till they both started to put us up on a pedestal as having all the answers and ‘thank you’s, you saved our relationship.’ When they struggled they would ask themselves what would Jessica and Diego do? Which we tried to discourage, we were no one’s guru or savior and we were not keen on giving someone answers either, we just wanted people to think, my goodness, but it was always met with, ‘oh I understand now thank you,’ to make it seem like they were getting it and thinking, but they were not. They were wanting our approval, but that was not something Diego was keen on giving, for he was even aware the mess that can come from that alone. Then a person just focuses on that, they become addicted, and nothing else is important, certainly not their own intelligence, just approval, and before you know it–boom, you’re a drug for them. Angela kept trying to play this game of trying so hard to get us to think she was very advanced, that she had this special destiny that she would reach millions. Somehow she got the idea that Diego was an enlightened master and by doing this work with us she would become enlightened and qualified to do the same thing. I remember Angela was saying that she had connections with the Oprah show and could maybe get us on to talk about enlightenment on the show with Deepak Cobra and Ekfart Tolle. How did we get in this category, we were not doing the same as them at all? Diego was annoyed about this and he said, “but how did she get this idea? I am not promoting enlightenment at all. I do not care about this bloody enlightenment, it’s not the point, not even close. This idea of enlightenment in itself was actually counterproductive to our natural intelligence. I know that’s hard for people to grasp but the more they strive for something like this the more they get stuck and lost in others’ ideals, and that becomes more important than our own intelligence, striving for something misty. And still I wait for just one person who claims to be enlightened that is not confused or a mess, but there is not anyone because enlightenment does not exist, it’s an elaborate hoax. We are so good of convincing ourselves of this idea though that we cannot see that is all it is–just an idea, nothing more.” Angela refused to see this as well; she had clung to this ideal for too long to let anyone take that from her, she was not about to give it up so easy. So she went after this ideal with more force than before, no matter how many times Diego tried to explain to her the psychological dangers of doing this. Diego tried to do what he could to dismantle all concepts of enlightenment from Angela. As we continued to work with them after the reality series, I started to see what Diego was talking about of when you work with a person long enough it gets harder and harder for them to protect their fake ideals of how they want to be seen by others, then the mess starts to show. The more a person tries to hide this fake facade the more ugly and disturbing the person’s inner confusions are, that must be dismantled or they end up taking over the person, and then they become lost. I have never done sessions this long with a person before either. My old spiritual coaching was usually 1-­‐3 sessions and that’s it, or just a weekend workshop. It’s still so easy for everyone to hide and for everyone to assume, ‘wow what great progress we made today, the energy was amazing, I learned so much.’ We tell ourselves these things, which acts like a placebo effect and even a denial because we would rather not admit that we were suckered, it’s better to convince ourselves that this nonsense helped us in someway to be more conscious. And when we went deeper with Angela and Shiva I started to see that they really had an unhealthy toxic relationship. They were sinking each other, it was not good for them to even be together. When I, and not just me, but many others who knew them witnessed Angela and Shiva in person, they ended feeling the same as us. They too were mostly very concerned for Shiva. It was clear she was being emotionally and mentally abused and repressed by Angela, which was the reason why Shiva did not speak very much, she was afraid so she did the safest thing she could, let Angela take the lead and control. Shiva started to reach out to me in what I thought was private, but Angela was reading all our conversations and twisting and interpreting my words to Shiva to best suit Angela’s hold over her. Then there was the night I could finally just speak to Shiva alone, which transpired because Angela got so upset with Shiva one night for something utterly ridiculous–that is the usual of why so many fights start for the stupidest reasons that often are so hard to recall. Anyway, Angela got upset and just kicked Shiva out of the house in the middle of the night, in the middle of winter; it was cold and she had nowhere to go, and hardly any money. She was not able to take anything with her. Shiva somehow managed to call me from a hotel, and rather than trying to encourage her to fix her relationship with Angela I now felt that there was no fixing this relationship, and Shiva should not have to take this abuse all the time. So I got her to consider the idea of leaving Angela and starting anew. But this was scary to Shiva, she had just quit her job because it was exhausting and stressful and was now dependent on Angela to help her with her expenses, plus they had two dogs they adored that were like their kids. So this made leaving much harder. People will put up with abuse more and longer if kids or animals are involved. They try harder to make it work when it will not and does not work, because they do not want to disrupt others’ lives because it became unbearable or one has become aware of the trap. I really thought Shiva would not go back to Angela after this, but she did, and she even protected Angela and told her everything we talked about, to which Angela freaked out. It was clear Shiva had a kind of Stockholm syndrome. I really did not like how Shiva was treated and made to be a slave in her own house, always in fear, always feeling like she I walking on eggshells, while Angela started to make claims that she was enlightened from the EOF, now she had all the answers and no longer needed us, she was now a fear expert. She was now working on writing a book about enlightenment. Sigh again, even though EOF does not promote or encourage enlightenment at all, in fact we say it’s a hoax. Angela refused to see this and made things out in her own way in her head. And like Diego said, with a belief comes its opposite always, and the opposite of the new age enlightenment spirituality is the illuminati/conspiracy. Angela became more paranoid that the illuminati were trying to stop her from writing her book, that the illuminati were scared of her and the message she would bring. She would send us strange emails saying things like, “the illuminati is sending a thunderstorm to my house, they do not want me to write this book, the illuminati is trying to scare me.” “They think they can stop me by making everyone nervous with a thunderstorm around my house making the dogs bark.” What the heck was happening to her mind? Did she really believe that the illuminati cares about her book? So many write the same stuff. Did she really believe that the illuminati would send thunderstorms over her house to stop her? I started to see what Diego meant, how these beliefs can do such psychological damage to fragile minds. This is crazy, Angela became more and more bi polar. She did tell us that she had these tendencies of bipolarity in the past, that she was diagnosed with this, and had taken medication for it. She claimed to be all better from her bipolar disorder, as if she cured herself from it or was just hiding it from us, which is what Diego suspected. She said she had stopped all her medication, but I know to do such a thing is risky and not wise to just give it all cold turkey, such a thing must be done gradually. I do feel though that it was a lie because she had many symptoms that she was still taking medication but hiding it from us for fear she would not be seen as conscious with a very high vibration. Her emails continued and they were getting even more bizarre. In another letter she said that she had a dream that Diego was becoming attracted to her, and was more interested in her than me, and that she hopes I am not jealous. I know that she was trying to prove or convince herself on how conscious and psychic she was becoming but really it was just making her become crazier. Perhaps she was trying to make me upset with Diego and pick a fight with him but it did not work, it only made me laugh because I know how Diego is when it comes to sexual attraction. Her letters also made me more intrigued about the physiological meltdown that was taking place. It was starting to become extremely messed up, the letters and everything, not to mention all the people coming to us concerned for Shiva being with Angela, and there being nothing we could do. Damn I hate feeling helpless, porco dio. I blocked them after that as I felt I hit a wall with them and that they did not want to really dismantle their mess, just collect information to build their business for their book or practice. Shiva was nervous that I would block her too. Why should she be blocked because of her partner Angela? I was not upset with Shiva, but there was only so much I could say to her to help her understand and get out that abusive situation, but also I never knew if Angela was reading all my conversations with Shiva as well. Since Isa lived nearby Angela and Shiva, I suggested she to go and visit them. I also felt that Isa and Shiva would make a good couple as they had lots in common, and maybe that would motivate Shiva to get out of her situation. I was right, they both did hit it off but Shiva was too afraid to leave and too brainwashed by Angela, always finding some reason to excuse Angela’s abuse. Isa decided to back out as she did not want to add more confusion in her life. Shortly after that I felt there was nothing else I could do for Shiva if she was not willing to see the abuse and free herself, even Isa saw the abuse and was concerned but there was nothing any of us could do, so I decided to cut contact with Shiva too, which was a hard decision because I really felt for her, she is such a sweet girl. Shiva continued to remain by Angela’s side, but more silent than before. She was too afraid to leave Angela and so she is still stuck to this very day. But Mr. Diego continued to observe them. Angela then decided to make videos and facebook groups with the title called Releasing Fear Now and Freedom From Thoughts. We noticed on her posts she was reading and studying our posts then trying to make it into her own. I was upset with this but Diego was intrigued. He finds it really funny when people try to rip off EOF content, trying to pass it off as their own, because they will not be able to explain the content or understand it, so it will soon become apparent that this information did not come from them, which is why Diego has never been concerned about anyone stealing EOF and its content from us. It all started to click now why Angela wanted to do sessions with us, using Shiva to cover up the real reason. When she first wrote me she wanted to be a famous TV chef, now her dream has shifted to famous spiritual speaker. She now wanted to help others to release fear and have freedom from thoughts, but she had no idea what she was talking about, especially if one mixes it with their confusions, new age beliefs, ideals and narcissism. First of all the title Freedom from Thoughts is not going to help a person. One cannot be free from their thoughts, they can only understand them profoundly so as not to be affected or victimized by them or our interpretation of them anymore. But Angela was not able to understand that. Sure, she could repeat “you have to understand the thoughts”, but what do you say from there? Diego became very interested in Angela’s facebook page. He was her biggest fan as he watched her trying to explain her new found wisdom to others but that were just more rip offs from EOF. When Diego posted a link to some advice of how to be a successful guru scam to show people how it works and how easy it is to be a spiritual speaker now a days, easy money especially in a time of financial crises, it was written like a recipe book with all the things a person would need and do and Angela had followed every single one of those tips. She was even able to pay facebook to make it seem like she had a high number of hits on facebook and on youtube, which makes more people watch if they see there is more hits. I did not even know that such a thing existed and that people were doing that to make it look like they were popular when they were not at all. Then Angela started linking her facebook pages with A Now is Fun page, that consists of scantily clad sexy girls and big expensive cars. Her youtube videos were something Diego enjoyed watching as well. One in particular that stood out was one where she said, ‘you see, I am not like the others, I can create my own reality. Let me tell you how, I see the world. You see this tree, many would say its leaves are red and yellow they see the fall, but not me, I chose to be positive and see the green leaves therefore it’s still summer in my mind.’ To which Diego said, “but it does not change the fact that all the leaves will change color then fall off, bringing winter, and how is winter negative?” So what the heck is this? I wondered. It’s just more confusion and was starting to show more and more. I have to clarify that Diego was not amused by Angela’s melt down or that she appeared to be getting worse; this was very sad to him but something he was not surprised with either. It was also sad because Angela is an intelligent person, but her beliefs made her irrational/stupid and that was very apparent. She is a good example of what happens to so many who mix their intelligence with their beliefs and the mess they get back because of it, and how much they change and become mentally unstable. Diego had told me about this so many times and I always denied it, and now I was seeing it first hand. What intrigued/fascinated Diego about her videos and posts was her desperation of her imagination to create meanings of spiritual proportions out of everything even the tiniest thing. This is how it starts and seems so innocent, even funny at first, then it always turns to danger and negligence. If you look up the dangers of the new age though, you can only find stuff from religious fanatics trying to say it’s evil. None of them talk about the psychological confusion/irrational thinking that comes from it, the things that people do to themselves, because of their beliefs. It does not matter if they are spiritual or religious or neither, the confusion/irrationality and mess is always the same. This is the fulcrum of EOF, understanding how confusion works in our own mind and lives and dismantling it one belief at a time, rather than looking for more beliefs to add to one’s confusion or making EOF into a belief. I highly suggest a person not to do that, it’s like creating a bomb in the psyche. Then Angela started to do coaching and sessions. We found out about it because one of Angela’s clients was a woman from india that had become perplexed by Angela’s advice, which was, “if you’re struggling in life, just go to the forest, try to be in nature.” this woman from india replied with, “but, I am living in the middle of the city, to get to any nature is a 5 hour train ride away and you say I need to go everyday there to find my answers within and that will somehow remove my fears?” This woman paid a lot of money to Angela and that was the advice she got for it, and when she asked for Angela to clarify or if she had other suggestions, Angela accused her of not being committed enough to her own healing and therefore it means that she wants to stay sick. This was said conveniently at the same time that the woman had run out of money and had no more to give, so Angela refused to talk to her. This woman ended up reaching out to one of our friends who forwarded her messages to us. We offered to chat with her for free just to try to undo the mess that Angela had done to her but when she saw we were not giving motivational tips and were instead trying to get her to do some critical thinking she lost interest in talking with us. I was very upset and concerned with Angela; this had to stop, she is not being responsible at all. And then a few months later Angela just deleted all her videos and facebook page and we never heard from her again. But all our attempts to clarify the project and damage clean up Diego and I tried to do with Angela did not go unnoticed. There was a girl named Pam observing everything from the sidelines who was at first shy to contact us because she did not want to fall into another trap. She had lived with Angela and Shiva for a few weeks, and that was more than enough to have done a number on Pam’s psyche, to the point she was somewhat traumatized by Angela. While living there with Angela and Shiva, Pam often heard them speak about us. Pam had saw how everything transpired, and what was really going on from the inside. Pam was concerned, she thought if they worship Jess and Diego I want nothing to do with them/us. But as she started to see what the EOF project was really saying, compared to how Angela was interpreting it, it became apparent to Pam that Angela did not understand EOF at all. So Pam continued to observe our project to figure out as much as she could on her own, then she became very interested in EOF and it turned out Pam is also very compatible with our project as well. (Later on she would share her own story with us in which she was inspired to write down her experiences after reading my blogs. She wrote it in the same style as my blogs, I took that as a big compliment, to inspire another to write in a similar way as my blogs, not to mention the amazing release and self therapy one can get by writing in this way.) Pam is now on her second year of coaching with us. n this way she could explain how and why she ended up in that mess to begin with. How it led to one mess after another, and how she ended up living with Angela and all the many crazy experiences there, which she later shared on facebook and our EOF magazine. I felt it would be better for people to hear other people’s personal experiences with confusion so as to better understand their mind and thus the project and what we are about. In this way we could perhaps have less misunderstandings and filter out people like Angela and Katherine from doing this project, especially if they were not willing to understand, because then it’s almost pointless to continue forward. At least I was able to see what does not work, and even why it does not work. It made me embarrassed and concerned for the spiritual work I was doing. I could see now that it really does not work and how it just encourages fakeness and unnecessary problems. With Angela it was apparent she was a narcissist and the spiritual new age beliefs just made her narcissism even worse, it actually encourages a person to this way, making it seem like it’s ok to be this way. After the episode with Katherine, Angela and Shiva, I decided I would no longer offer or put myself out there as a spiritual coach to anyone, and when people called me asking for this I would decline and say I am sorry I am not doing that anymore. I only had one client left that I continued to chat with but I will get into what transpired with her, Melissa H, in the next blog. In the next chapter I am going to pull a kind of Inception the movie on you, rather than the dream within the dream, there is a blog within the blog of Pam’s story on her experience living with Angela. I think it will be very helpful to be able to see and understand confusion through another perspective. I did not edit Pamys blog so it is a bit messy but very clear. I actually appreciated her own unique style, also consider that English is her second language. Diego often said to understand what the EOF is you first have to know what it’s not. In the case of the next chapter, everything that Angela says and does is 100% not EOF. This next chapter demonstrates how confusion mixed with new age ideals is a terrible mix, how it creates a mess, and how it pollutes any potential for clarity. It also shows how narcissists are attracted to the new age because they can get away with a lot more abuse, and that these ideas/beliefs are also creating and encouraging narcissism/abuse, as a way to become, justify and identify as a spiritual teacher of illusions/delusions of all kinds. I do feel that Teal Swan operates the same kind of manipulative psychology like Angela. I feel that this next chapter can also help one to be able to recognize and avoid a situation like this. Most likely many have experienced something similar to this or with people like this, I feel by sharing this it not only can give them a better understanding of what was going on and how to dismantle it but also being able to better understand The EOF Project and Diego and I. Chapter 12 Pam’s Experience with Angela Here is the title to this mini blog, thank you Pamy for contributing this: How spirituality abused me = how I abused myself in the name of religion/spirituality My story with self Illuminated Angela and how I ended up in the EOF (Disclaimer: due to memory problems some events are not chronologically right but happened. I also rephrased some conversations in the way I understood them or interpreted them, most things related are subject to my own interpretation as well -­‐ I can’t claim it to be objective) a) Suspicions and Doubts I met Angela and Shiva online through a mutual friend, we seemed to get along right away so we chatted often.At first it seemed to me that Angela actually helped me a lot in advising me of my relationships for example, as Iwas a newbie and also seemed to attract abusive guys or ‘players.’ I was pretty oblivious to a lot of things, especially how they treated me. Often I called Angela my ‘coach’ and we had fun with it. She could actually spot the red flags pretty easily and fast and warn me or make me pay attention to some behaviors I was ignoring or things I was blind about. I didn’t realize that the fact that she could spot the red flags so easily and so on was because she herself knew too well what she was talking about; this too I didn’t pay attention to. She explained to me her bipolar issues and how it was a hell to live with for her, it seemed very abstract to me. But also I really didn’t understand what she meant by some things when we busted my latest player-­‐narcissist boyfriend in December 2012. She actually spotted that guy one year before while he only was starting to flirt with me, he wasn’t even a potential partner in my head at that time. To me he only looked a bit emotionally unstable while he claimed he wanted a solid relationship with me in September, so I bought it, because he seemed sincere convincing and that was what I was looking for at that time. Pretty soon I spotted some strange behaviors with him or contradictions so I focused on his actions rather than his words. Angela kept on warning me, and it became almost a game to me to find out the truth about him, while still buying his serenade and excuses; the story he was telling me made sense actually and I wanted to believe it. It actually helped me, her explanations, so as to finally kick him out of my life. I had difficulties cutting ties with him because I wanted to believe his serenade but it was obvious he was playing around. I remember her saying, “ok now that you got rid of him he doesn’t care he’s going to simply find another.” Later on, as he was harming a model friend’s reputation while I knew the ugly reality behind all his story of victimization, Angela told me to leave it be do not expose him. It’s then that Angela told me she was like that to at one point in her past, before she did therapy. She shared a typical new age line that my ex’s life must be a hell to live. I was a bit confused with what she really meant with that but I didn’t really pay attention to it, plus she had therapy (she had been diagnosed as Grandiose Narcissism Bipolar personality) as she said and seemed pretty good and done with that problem. I was determined to have a healthy relationship one day. So I decided to stay away from men till I would solve this pattern, because as it was in my past I kept on repeating more and more often and faster. I attracted men that were manipulative and abusive. How ironic. b) Angela’s Spiritual Search: The Premises Angela’s life didn’t seem so rosy since she moved to Europe from the states: she felt rejected by Belgium and the Flemish part and she and her partner Shiva had a lot of trouble with money, finding a job, Shiva’s health issues, finding a stable home, and their place in society. Angela was searching for some solutions in the spiritual field in the end of 2012, or maybe even some answers as to why she had so much trouble/ miserable with her life. As I said earlier, we showed each other lot of support and during summer 2012 as I was really struggling with writing my university thesis, she offered me a lot of help: for example, she helped me to translate some texts but she also did pay a qualified university coach to read my writings on the subject, which really encouraged me and helped me to have the courage to finish it. I accepted her help because she believed in karma and in the pay-­‐back life would make to her, after all her ex-­‐husband helped her in the same way as well and she found it normal to do so with me without asking anything in return. I believed in such things too so I accepted her help gladly. She started to read around for spiritual stuff as I said already and by the end of December 2012, she offered me a book via kindle on internet to help me and to spread the word: it was called ‘The game of life and how to play it’. It’s basically a book that a woman wrote that explained some karma laws, in parallel with some bible verses about how to make money and manifest your life and so on via some statements and behaviors toward money for example (that money should flow and so on). I notice that a lot of spiritual stuff nowadays is related to the topic of money or ‘abundance’, especially since The Secret was out and I guess lots of people with money issues follow such things as a last resort to get rid of their money issues or for the promise to make easy and fast money –who wouldn’t dream about that after all? I read the book but I was not impressed. She instead seemed to apply it as I remember a conversation where she was a bit pissed that her partner manifested another hand injury because she was scared that some acid rain would affect her health via reading the news about some chemicals being spread in their area in the days before. I also had the impression that in the same period she was starting to try to heal her bipolar disorder herself (like in such a book it seems we manifest health issues), at least this seemed like a good excuse to stop her medication. In beginning 2013 I chatted a bit less with her on skype…I was helping her to find people to organize her wedding in Rome and was even ready to travel there to be next to her as a friend for the wedding then she randomly canceled the wedding without warning me while I was still trying to book a plane ticket … I remember that sometimes I wanted to vent but instead of contacting her I would simply watch some soaps on internet and have my fix…I also found it a bit weird that I liked to see such human drama…... After a few days or weeks, she suddenly was pissed about me and my absence and had a paranoiac episode and then all of a sudden completely out of the blue she sent me a email to finish our friendship. I felt bad and guilty as if I was a bad person because she rejected me like that… I sent her a mail of explanations that she ignored… After a few days I saw her on Skype and to my surprise she answered very casually and friendly like nothing wrong had ever happened between us. I was a bit confused by that behavior -­‐2 days before she kicked me out of her life and now we’re friends just like that-­‐. She explained to me that she made a paranoia crisis and that it was like that in her past too, that she would burst out to her friends when she didn’t take her medications, that it wasn’t something to take personally. All this because of no medication! … She was definitely already starting to quit medication at that time. A turning point in her life seems to having been the death of her dog Max, she said she had some telepathic conversation with him it seems and it kind of changed her life somehow. She also started to work with a ‘healer’ beginning 2013; she was excited about it and told me some things she was doing there like writings and so on to work on herself. I have to say that at the same period I kind of did the same… looking around for spiritual stuff again but not taking it very seriously. I guess I started it by imitation of her… I was sometimes questioning why I did it especially because of my past guru story and that I thought I was allergic to spiritual stuff but actually these questioning were merely superficial as I was trying to find solutions or escapes from my everyday life I guess… My life was in a turn point I was quitting an underpaid job and moving back at my mom’s house and was looking for a better job. I really had no plans for the future somehow and didn’t know what exactly to do…Since years I kind of tried to avoid the classic scheme of having a house, a car and a family and yet at the same time I was about to buy it too as I had no idea what else to do in my life...like that, just because everyone does it and that I feel lost. (not able to make a social imitation ) And one day Angela sent me a link to Jessica Mystic’s video she told me she was interested in the Jessages and so on and that she felt she could ‘relate’ to that girl…later on in march, she told me she would work with her in a project. I watched Jessica’s video but it didn’t vibe with me so much. Sometime later on, I would watch some of her videos by curiosity on YouTube like the ones about the Illuminati conspiracy or about Mars or even about Anastasia’s books. Around that time I was more interested in some casual stuff like horoscopes and I was following a Facebook page called ‘How to Raise your vibration’’ it seemed more clear and concise and I have to say that even if I bought the book they sell, I only read the first chapters and did not even try the meditation-­‐visualization stuff as I’m too lazy for that. In the meanwhile Angela was working with Jess already and we chit-­‐chatted about spirituality sometimes. Shortly after she started to join the EOF Project mid-­‐march and to participate in their group. Angela seemed to be pretty involved in that group and she was especially concerned about all the spiritual scams and the spiritual confusion all over the world, Deepak and Tolle that she read and so on... She would often talk to me about that on Skype and I wasn’t really feeling concerned about it although I had that fake guru story in my personal history, that was pretty traumatic for me. I joined the EOF group around the time of the release of the First episode of The Myth of Fear intrigued by Angela’s journey: after all she talked so much about it and how she was evolving and feeling better and so on plus she was quite persuasive. At first I only observed the group because I wasn’t convinced by the members: I read the discussions but somehow some members kept on saying stuff like “ the Truth always comes out ” blah ‘the truth here and the truth there’…and I was wondering what that ‘truth’ they were talking about so often without naming it was… It seemed that the members did not even know what the project was about they just made it into what they thought it was or wanted to call it the truth. Diego then produced some writings about the concept of truth which spoke to me much more and convinced me more about the project) It was not about truth either; truth can be a trap as well, finally someone willing to say these things. What mostly attracted me were Diego’s writings: there was something very subtle there, ungraspable intellectually and it was impossible for my mind to build layers with them, which was precisely what I found to be interesting. There were basically no concrete answers but rather like an exploration and a bigger understanding about things, their mechanics, the bigger picture somehow and the dynamics within it, without labels as for lazy mind’s habit to hold on to some beliefs. It also reminded me of Krishnamurti’s writings somehow and I thought ‘wow maybe I can finally put it into practice here and try to finally really understand’. In the parallel I was mostly ‘following’ Angela as she was my friend and introduced me to all this, and I was trying to keep track with her and try to understand her writings (as I said she started a blog one month before), we chatted a lot on Skype, I was intrigued by her seemingly ‘transformation’ while she was working with them and ‘dismantling’ and she also convinced me to translate some of her blogs in French, mostly for her French speaking neighbors to follow her and to understand her transformation too. She presented it like it was for my own ‘transformation’; the energy I put to help her translate those writings and so on also. I have to say most of her writings weren’t easy to translate or to understand, not in the same sense as Diego’s writings but mostly because they are full of labels and her own projections-­‐issues-­‐point of views and sometimes the line was very subtle and thin between some concepts and explanations… to not say it would almost be illogical or contradictory…anyway, I did my best to translate some of her writings in French. I would also propose to translate the episodes of the myth of fear after an announcement on Facebook in the group: there was not much stuff available in French on the internet and often French speakers have difficulties with understanding English. Angela also insisted for me to go out in nature among the trees and to try to talk with them or to watch the stars (which I didn’t do for technical reasons) and to write my thoughts down. So I made a try with the trees. Off course I couldn’t ‘talk’ with them (if talking is even the right word). It’s very simple: going out to see the trees with the intention to communicate with them completely fucks up any kind of communication since I’m expecting something and I’m watching at them with that idea in my mind. It actually felt like the whole nature could talk with me but I wouldn’t even ‘hear’ it as if I am deaf to it. It reminded me when I was a kid and how it was natural to even laugh and hug the tree and just raise my face to the sky and admire the sunlight dancing through the moving leaves and feel good. But here it wasn’t the same. So I sat down and wrote my thoughts for one hour. And gosh how much thoughts come up in such a little lapse of time: future and past were mixing there leading me away from the present moment or from the place I was sitting. And that’s it: not a very conclusive experience. Later on, at their place, I would even wonder if some ‘spiritual’ people don’t actually ‘connect with nature’ because it’s nature but because of the idea that it would make them conscious then they would convince themselves that they were relaxed or got a download. One day as we chatted on Skype and she tried to explain to me so much about her journey, she seemed so over excited by her growth and evolution and it seemed so fast and shiny. Sometimes I feel like she pushed me into it, in the way she presents things and how I have to do it for my growth (including helping her), her oriented explanations and I would resist to it somehow sometimes, mostly because I had the impression it was her projections she attributed to me (for example If I said ‘this person annoys me’ she would say ’so you hate him why do you hate him?’). The topic even arose that our friendship was to be questioned if I wanted to follow her/her teachings (in the sense ‘we can’t be friends if I have to teach you, I will also have to be paid at some point in the future also if I want to teach’ and so on). I told her: “You know what? I have to tell you that I’m jealous of your rapid and sudden growth. I mean it seems to happen to everyone at some point and I feel like the idiot standing behind not getting it.” She answered me: “Oh I had this, it’s normal”, then I felt relieved because it was ‘normal’, “Really??” I replied. She goes on and answered: “I had this with Jessica…I was jealous that she was so far, I just wanted to be her, I even fought her during the process” Then the conversation changed again on the potential loss of our friendship and how sad it would be. c) On “Manifesting/Creating (your) Reality” Concept: Beginning in April Angela started to become more and more psychic-­‐like or labeling herself at first ‘enlightened,’ before she would deny it as a label. She talked about how she was ‘creating her reality’ and could ‘manifest’ things in her life. I was intrigued. She called me on Skype to talk to me about her new haircut as an example on how she created her reality. I remember how she talked about it all excited and how she told me how she created the color in her head because of her higher vibration (than the hairdresser) even though the hairdresser expected another hair color to show up. And also how she telepathically talked with Jess that told her how she could create the hair color because of her higher vibration and how Diego and Jess talked telepathically with her, seeing through her eyes what happened. Which was confusing since later on in June she was trying to figure out how telepathy worked after she had quit the EOF for 2 weeks and she was obsessed with supernatural powers and such, this was just before she contacted Diego. As time passed during March and April, she insisted more and more for me to come over to their place for my own good/growth, to help me because their ‘vibration was so high’, that I had to ‘dismantle’ and that she would help me and so on and also because she was searching for someone to babysit the dogs for their next trip to Austria in May. At first I refused, and didn’t want to make promises especially if I’m not sure I will keep my word, because it’s like that and because I don’t like commitments or expectations toward me, it makes me feel trapped so I didn’t travel to their place because I felt forced and confused somehow, so I postponed it several times till it felt right. When I finally took the train after a few days and after a 3 hour travel I arrived in their village, it was dark and no one was at the train station. I remembered the path to their house by memory but was unsure since it had been a year since my last short visit to them and it was already dark. I found the house and no one was waiting for me, I found that weird too because I told them the time I would arrive (they actually lived without paying attention to mechanical time, just in the present moment). I opened the door and entered saying ‘hello,’ hugs followed and even the big dog they adopted recently was excited about me. I really loved their house, one year before I had gone to visit them when they moved in and I found that little house so perfect for them, it was very little. So there I was, sitting on the couch, having that big dog literally chewing my fingers under S.’s amused eyes while I was afraid of dog bites and dogs since I was a kid. We never had dogs and I was mostly attracted to cats but my neighbor had a very aggressive dog called Diego, he would freak me out, each time we were around he would bark and run around behind his fence and when he escaped sometimes I ran very fast home on my bicycle. Angela gave me a necklace that I was admiring/desiring for a while now, explaining to me the emotional attachment she did have for it in the past and why she decided to let it go, the monetary value of it was standing for her own sense of worthiness. As for me it represented more like a proof I could “manifest” something in my life, according to her concept of manifesting in life/creating your reality. Which was an appealing concept, as I was so frustrated to not have control upon my life and was always struggling. First of all, in her opinion, it means that anything that happens to us is ‘manifested’ by us (the sun shines because of her high vibrations in her reality for example), so basically, whatever happens gets analyzed under the point of view of fear. And I say ANYTHING, like a cause and effect process. And secondly, when for example something unpleasant/unwanted happens, it leads to frustration and guilt and it is reproached or self reproached (I attracted this unpleasant situation because of my fear of this, that is rooted in my past/childhood, which I now know is total bs but when you’re confused you either lap this up or struggle to understand it so to keep up and be accepted). d) Struggles and ‘Evolution’: The atmosphere was stressed there, I was surprised because she talked so much about awesomeness and how much she felt better and was ‘evolving’ but actually at that moment she was really struggling, stressed and obsessed with some topics. She was pretty much back involved in the E.O.F. project and some days before she tried to involve me in it too with her own idea of it in some way (a kind of forceful way I have to say) and also 3 of her American friends. She wrote an email to Diego and Jess and her friends and It sounded like that: “These people (me included) can be part of the project and show how to manifest this and that…” or whatever, (like for example for me it was to create something with architecture and portals and so on, since when I showed her one of my projects she said it looked like a dimensional portal and I told her I have no idea what she’s talking about, then she said ‘awesome you’ll see’ …for others it was about showing how they could live well while handicapped (her ex-­‐husband) and so on) …but the thing is… her friends didn’t follow her into it and she was really struggling because of it, because she was so involved in her ‘end of fear.’ (somehow she felt like she had a mission with this eof project to raise the vibration of humans on the planet to go from 3D to 5D dimension.) She couldn’t understand why her friends had refused. (I have to say I felt forced into it as well and can understand why her friends didn’t follow. But also that I actually didn’t follow her in the aim to become a super, famous portal architect like she said to me that I would become, just because she dreamed of it. It was a bit confusing and she has a way to present things at that point that is like a marketing professional that sells you a product and talks you into a project (calling it co-­‐creation), and now that I think about it it’s not surprising since she made some marketing for an insurance in her past). So she was struggling with that and we were walking the dogs out, and all of a sudden she said “oh my god, I feel I lived this situation already before with them and this is why it’s so important that they follow me into it this time”…and I looked at her and I said “but if all this already happened over and over again why would it be so important this time after all, just chill” and then she replied “because we are all one!”. Okay. 0-­‐o She had persuaded herself to be evolved (and I didn’t question this at all actually) and she was obsessed with supernatural powers like walking on water for example at that time. I mean, somehow when she took a walk outside next to the little waterfall it’s like something had to happen as a proof of her ‘evolution’ or either she tried to figure out how one can walk on water. This annoyed me a bit when I needed to vent inside about her later on because it reminded me of my ex psycho guru guy and also it looked like a big distraction or even a self-­‐trap to focus on such things if ever it happens to someone. I was also a bit worried about her role as teacher or her spiritual mission starting to take place in her life and focus. It reminded me of my past, the spiritual mission thing especially, and soon enough I would have a talk about it with her. In the field of her spiritual mission (let’s call it that) Angela was also obsessed by the idea to going to Oprah’s life classes to spread the word, even though after a while she seemingly gave up on that idea it was still in her head. For that (or unconsciously to make easy money as she once said writing a book was one of the few ways to get rich easily?) she wanted to write a book about fear and how to dismantle it, with exercises and explaining things in a more practical/simple way than Diego, to spread the word as well and she said that Diego would help her to write it without labels. It was pretty difficult for me to make the difference between her own stuff and the E.O.F. as I wasn’t in touch with Diego and Jess and didn’t know how to ‘dismantle’ or how their process of dismantling was done and I had such ‘luck’ that Angela helped me with that and for free. Actually I thought Angela was teaching me how to dismantle as I didn’t contact them myself, and the more I stayed there at that time, the more I started to be intimidated by them because of the way they talked about them “Jess and Diego” here and there, ‘as if they know it all’, ‘we need to ask them as I struggle with this’, ‘they have the answers’ and so on… they looked more and more like supernatural/superior beings to me as I was seeing how they talked highly about them and referred to them often. Angela was very involved in the group as I said and most conversations were around them and especially Jessica during that stay, as she didn’t understand that Jessica was kind of confused about some things at that time, for example there was that kind of scandalized reaction she made about that ‘Leija’ girl and I was wondering also about her ‘confusion’: I said it was a bit odd to fight against fake gurus and confused spiritual teachers while taking this Leija thing so personally for Jess. Then Angela defended Jess as a friend and told me she was also a human being that struggles and so on… I said okay fair enough but I still was thinking its okay to be human and not flawless but at least to recognize the confusion and make amends or to work on it gives more credibility, especially in such an episode. Later on in June this ‘confused Jess’ topic would take a new turn for Angela. She was in her phase where labels and roles had no meaning. Let’s say, for example, she was questioning the role to be a ‘good friend’ and she explained to me that we didn’t need to play this social game of pleasing each other in the name of friendship because she wasn’t there anymore. She also was in her phase were she explained she didn’t make a problem about things (I realized later on that looks like ‘positive thinking’ but I didn’t know because she was fighting against positive thinkers at that time…I always thought that ‘positive thinking’ was avoiding negative thoughts) I believed her and took her to her word. You know, on a side note, when someone tells me they do something or whatever, I don’t question it and assume they really do it because why else are you saying it? I mean I can’t for example make promises to please others if I know I won’t hold my word or I can’t lie even if it is for my own good, it makes me feel very uncomfortable (maybe I’m in denial when I think I see such things but whatever it’s just to say I didn’t question it). Beside this, Angela explained to me how she and her partner did ‘balance’ each other energetically; she was more like an excited person and Shiva was so calm so they get to a balance like that. The dogs also worked like a mirror of them and they balance their energy: Kosmo the little dog was nervous and overexcited like Angela and Butch the big bulldog was calm like Shiva and their daily behavior was like a barometer of themselves (if the dog was nervous they had to check their own nervousness and so on)… Things at home weren’t that rosy between them, it was a big contrast with her chats or her Facebook updates about their seemingly perfect relationship. Shiva is a good host, she prepared meals and things like the coffee in the morning for me included. At first I was very pleased to be treated so well but it was like that every day. It looked like it was her responsibility to take care of the house, the meals, the pets, the cleaning, Angela’s wellbeing and so on… as for Angela she didn’t raise a finger in the house, she just played with her pet but did not take care of it, and spent her time struggling, thinking and on the computer, to write her blogs and to shout her truth out as fast as she could. Shiva and I started to get to know each other, I was mainly Angela’s friend but I only met Shiva twice before and she was a bit reserved. Now she was more open to talk and so on with me and it appears she was a very kind and friendly person. So we chit chatted often while Angela found it was a distraction to gossip or to waste our saliva about events that happened not in the present moment. (and even so it’s not worth to talk for talking, or for describing what we see or feel). Angela used to pressure Shiva a lot to “do the work” and to be aware of her actions (what she did and said), sometimes it led to absurd arguments where Shiva was unable to explain herself to Angela who was pushing her into questioning, as she was ‘talking about the past’ or things like that and it was called ‘dismantling’ or ‘creating balance’. Shiva was unable to say stop to Angela or to ask her to let her breathe and have some space. Angela hated any kind of noise, we didn’t put music on or else. I wasn’t really allowed to speak much either (because the vibrations of my voice were ‘low vibrations and it created imbalances’), even to interact with the dogs playfully or whatever, she asked me sometimes to shut up or go out with the dogs as I was disturbing her like this while she was writing on her computer, and anyway communication doesn’t need to be verbal only. I didn’t take it in a wrong way because sometimes I don’t like the sound of my stepfather’s voice either… but somehow it’s a kind of bullying when it’s repeated often. So…we made a trip to the seaside to experience what living in the now meant and to see how things are created/manifested by thoughts-­‐fears. Besides this, living in the now meant to not have plans of what we do and at what moment, and just decide on the moment like “oh I’m hungry I want to eat that now” or “oh look at those bikes let’s try them”… it also meant to not prepare a traveling bag, not taking an umbrella or a sweatshirt in case it is sunny and warm in the moment to leave (and such things stand each time we travelled together from then on). During this trip while we were having dinner, Angela and Shiva told me that my presence helped to balance their energy or whatever that means. Around those times we also had a discussion, me and Angela…. I remember on Skype how sometimes it was hard to follow her and to get what she was saying. My belief was that she ‘evolved too fast’ (because she persuaded me and was convinced that she did evolve so fast, even faster than Shiva) and that she became disconnected from other people in regards of communicating her ideas or explaining what she meant when she tried to teach something to us poor mortals. Actually she seemed to struggle so much to get further ahead and to go fast and to understand stuff (I never understood the real object of the stuff she was struggling with or the object of her ‘shifts’ or how it works) that it was normal in that logic that I thought it was about that. It was like if she was adopting the role of a spiritual teacher (while she was in a fight against spiritual confused teachers), thus identifying to this label as well… she nodded like she does when she tries to understand, thanked me and later on went to bed. The day after she stood up and she told us that ‘she lost her identity / that she didn’t identify any more’…which meant that she was no longer identifying to her name, no longer identifying as Shiva’s partner no more, or as my friend, or as her job, no more to nothing whatsoever. It made her a colder being that simply doesn’t give a shit to please others and she pushed even more on Shiva afterwards that she would have to ‘do the work’ if she wanted to stay in a relationship with her because she didn’t care any more of their relationship, it could end there or continue it’s the same for her. She couldn’t stand that her partner wasn’t doing it in her way and she also realized that twin flames or whatever was a belief/label. Later on Angela and Shiva visited Austria for a 10 day (prolonged) holiday while I was to stay behind and babysit the dogs. Angela was trying so much to help people on the internet and to teach on the net but she was hell at home… let’s say she wasn’t the one that made it a little paradise there and when I made such a remark like “Angela you want to help people and to teach and so on but you don’t even bring peace or work into your own household, it’s here you have to start with.” Then she said Diego and Jess say the same things (but I never met them.) Its fucking evident/obvious things, but why do they need to say that it comes from D. and J. so much? I have to say I had some pity for Shiva and I even told her that their relationship was made of bad habits and a weird dynamic in that house and I hoped that it would change somehow during their vacation. I also told to Shiva while she was sad and venting to me that their interactions reminded me of my latest ex in the way they communicated together. When Angela and Shiva went out of town I was left to babysit the dogs. I have to say I never had to take care of dogs before that and although we had a few farm animals like sheep, cows, cats, horses, deer and so on…dogs, never. I was tired most of the time, or else watching internet for some short breaks, reading those Anastasia books Angela had and translating the first episode of the Myth of Fear which was very fastidious work but one precise sentence in it always strikes me, “it is more important to understand how fear behaves than to know the object of our fears.” This appealed to me somehow, it was the same kind of things I read in Freedom From the Known and was looking for. Even though Angela’s approach was the opposite, as to say analyzing the words and tying it to her personal story. e) After Holidays, Counting Down the ‘Responsibilities’: The day before Angela and Shiva returned back home, the internet went completely down. I tried to reboot the modem and so on but it didn’t work. It happens sometimes at my place but it gets fixed automatically after a little while so I didn’t think about it and simply went through my day without internet. It was not a big deal at all and I thought it wouldn’t be to them either as ‘nothing is a problem according to Angela, its all perfect divine and meant to be’. Angela pressured Shiva and I to fix the internet situation NOW, she refused to make the calls herself because ‘it’s too stressing for her to talk to mind identified people’ and so on… so it was up to us to fix her internet problem. After two days the internet was back. They also came back with some toys for the dogs to chew and Butch literally jumped on one of them chewing it happily for hours. In the days before he was very calm and since they came back he was literally restless turning in circles in the living room at night while they were gone to sleep with Kosmo. And then Angela yelled at me that it was my fault that the dog was so nervous and that I had to calm my nerves and so on… and I yelled back to her “But WHY is it MY fault?” …so she ‘realized’ that I had a problem with responsibilities since I didn’t take responsibility for the internet and the dog being nervous and she wanted to dismantle that, questioning me about my past and my childhood. And I ‘realized’ after she yelled something like “what is being a good friend to you? What it means to not take responsibilities for your shit?”...And stuff like that, she actually was pissed with me for all those things, she was questioning it under the role of friendship and was making me for responsible for them. I looked at Shiva and asked her “Wait a minute is she pissed about me for those things? to the point Angela thought it was better for me to leave while she was pissed but the day after that, in the morning I dotted her I’s like we say in French and told her about her bullshit and how she actually made the internet connection a big problem and that SHE was addicted to internet like a junkie. And then she said ‘yes it’s true’, and “Pam you know what, it’s a good thing to have you here, really, you help out.”. Okay and please stay. I stayed there a few days more only and we watched The Matrix…they actually like to watch movies, even if Angela thinks it’s a ‘distraction’, she says that sometimes for some movies it’s a ‘reflection of reality’ or something like that. It actually reminded me of my ex partner guru-­‐guy as well that referred to some movies like if they were real, one action movie in occurrence, but he didn’t take it personally as if it was about him though.. So we quietly watched the movie and during the whole movie Angela was making comments and appropriating it into her life. At the end of The Matrix she raised her self up on her feet all excited and said that Diego was Neo, that Trinity was Jessica and she herself identified to Morpheus ..;and this I guess in the context of her identification with a spiritual mission (I do call it like that) and her involvement-­‐identification in the E.O.F. project… The day after me and Shiva were discussing about our past experiences in the garden, she talked to me about some strange experiences with a house she was living in and I told her about how in the past I studied geobiology (I don’t think it’s the right word in English: it’s basically about energy grids on the earth and how to implant a house in its context and make it a healthy space with materials and shape of the house) but that I had been too lazy to finish those studies and since I wasn’t that sensitive enough even with training with a Lecher Antenna I just gave it up because it was too abstract and that it did bore me to just refer to books to build houses in such a spirit instead of making my own geometrical interpretations and so on. Angela joined the conversation after a while then I joked about Matrix in the regard of the grids and how it would be interesting if ever a matrix grid existed in this physical world of conventions to discover it and how it works and so on…a week later, while I was back home, she would contact me all panicked asking me some help with my ‘geobiology knowledge’ because she felt like there was a disturbance in her house. I was already skeptical about geobiology at that time since it can also work like a placebo effect but not as an ultimate solution let’s say …I told her are you sure and so on? And she was so panicked or confused that I gave her some tips to do … after a little while she felt more peaceful and it wasn’t really about those ‘tips’ but still she said it was like she saw the disturbances of the matrix and that the ‘guards’ were trying to harm her or to stop her …could this be a projected hallucination? I don’t know but I don’t believe in such obvious ‘coincidences’ between cause and effect. During my stay there they also had a session with Jess and Diego because she was struggling I don’t know about what. And while they started the Skype conversation I took the dogs out so to not disturb them and spent a while outside. After a while, almost at the end of their conversation, I came inside again and sat as discreetly as I could in the corner of the couch with my laptop. All I remember about their conversation was Diego saying “if you want to go to the forest and you ask someone that did go to the forest how the forest was, and that this person saw snakes in the forest and tells you ‘the forest was nice but be careful because there were some snakes there’ then when you would go yourself in the forest you would look for the snakes”… something like that… I found it very interesting and meaningful in the case for example if someone is so curious about something that the knowledge or one person’s personal experience would deform its viewing of the experience assuming that the same thing would happen to everyone else, thus blowing it out of proportion to the point one would not go to the forest at all for the fear of the idea of possibly encountering snakes. … I would, unfortunately for me, remind her this example in June. When I quit their place to go back home, they insisted for me to come back and live there with them for the growth and balance and so on. I did not reply yes or no but “we will see”. And indeed, I would finally see. Interesting how like Jessica’s story of how she kept going back to wolf’s/sacha’s place though there were many red flags I was doing the same with Angela. Why do we do this? Why do we ignore the red flags? f) On The Fence It started with a conversation I had with Shiva on skype, she wanted to know when I would come back to not just visit but live with them again and I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not. I even told her that I was wondering if there would be some tensions with Angela’s character and behavior even at this point, it was already detectable that something was off. I didn’t really consider their proposition to go live with them seriously for a while. Although not knowing what exactly to do with my life I was willing to travel with them as we talked about it before and that Angela had proposed to me that option. Shiva on her behalf seemed to have ‘progressed’ because she told me she was now able to say ‘stop’ to Angela or to ask her to ‘let her breathe’ so those issues seemed to be resolved. I was starting to have serious doubts about Angela’s theories already due to her (self-­‐made?) hallucination -­‐perceptions shortly after. I was suspecting more and more that such phenomenon were self-­‐produced when someone seeks for it, it’s as if their mind gets trained to produce it for them. The whole relationship dynamic they had was also a bit confusing and it was really a big contradiction with what was to be seen in Angela’s Facebook posts. I could see now why Jessica got upset with Leija for doing the same thing. I was following the E.O.F. group more and more at that time and was feelingthe posts there were very just, and the mindset there was constant. I remember I still had a kind of complex toward Diego and Jessica resulting from that entire ambiance I experienced at Angela’s place toward them (like if they were superior beings or whatever). I finally dared to contact Jess one day at the end of May and to have a skype conversation with her to see the main topics I was struggling with… I tried to share my concerns about following Angela and that it was kind of confusing, hoping to know if my doubts were based… she simply answered to not follow Angela, that she wasn’t ready to give advice yet… I kept this information in the back of my head ever after but somehow such a phrase still meant that Angela would teach at some point or something. Unfortunately Jess wasn’t much available afterward to chat or continue this conversation about my strugglings so I gave up on it and felt disappointed. I then decided to contact Diego one week later; I was pretty much interested in dismantling my fears but didn’t know where to start. I was also dubitative on Angela’s method because she seemed to stay stuck in the story while labeling so much and giving meaning or explanations on anything that happens in her life; while in the E.O.F. it seemed more to be about observing the big picture, the mechanisms of fear and so on. I was also suspicious of the mind, viewing it as an enemy that could fool us somehow after the matrix episode with Angela… still it was misty but I had lots of doubts. Diego replied and even proposed to have a skype session for free, I was very happy because at that time I had no income and couldn’t afford to pay for sessions anyway, I felt too worthless of their time or attention. I was becoming more intrigued by the E.O.F. project. I was starting to slowly see that what Angela said about EOF was not at all the same from what I was reading on their posts, what it was actually about. g) Back at Angela’s Place: The opportunity to go back to Angela’s place arose the beginning of June. Again I was looking for little jobs and there was an opportunity that opened that happened to be near Angela’s place, so I asked them if I could come stay there while I investigated more this job and they said yes. Shiva came to pick me up at the station with the neighbor this time, I was really happy to see her again. We arrived at home and as soon as we arrived Angela, who was thinking about some new metaphysical topic, barely welcomed me, in a hurry so much she was absorbed by her questionings and made a drawing to try to understand what was feeding the Source star or whatever to try to find an answer… We also talked about the E.O.F. project and her concerns about Jess being confused especially since that Leija episode, she started to wonder about it more. They were also wondering why Jessica seemed to try to put them apart since they were in Austria, Shiva noticed it and wasn’t willing to leave Angela. Indeed it didn’t really seem to make sense even to me especially since they seemed to “evolve much better, easily and fast together” which is a strong belief they have since they started the dismantling process and Angela often repeats it. In any case, the relationship Angela had with the E.OF., Jessica and Diego, kind of shifted since the last time I was there three weeks before. She also started to tell me that what Diego was saying in his posts or about dismantling fears wasn’t intelligible or useful to put in practice, that what he was explaining was like “he explains the bricks but not the wall” and on this I disagreed I told her “on the opposite, he is showing the wall while you are focusing on the bricks of the wall”, indeed it is really what I was thinking since a while: she focused too much on the little things, putting meaning on anything that happens, explanations and labels and somehow it doesn’t help to see the bigger picture at all. Anyway she still wanted to write a book about fear, which could be easily explained, so as to be put into practice with a methodology which is exactly the opposite of what the EOF was about, as they often said one cannot dismantle if they have a method. She also was obsessed with alien portals this time and was looking for answers. She seemed frustrated that Diego and Jess didn’t give her those answers during her latest sessions it seems and she was starting to question that (them not giving her answers: “Why don’t they give me answers?”) instead of questioning the fact that she was looking for those answers. I was about to point this behavior out but she said that it wasn’t an obsession but genuine curiosity, just like if her mind was making excuses to herself about this behavior. We had a chat and she asked me as well why they wouldn’t give her answers and I said “but yes it’s normal they don’t give you answers, it’s like what Diego said during that session I heard: about going in the forest and asking to someone else who was in the forest how it was, then our view is distorted by what other people experience…“ …then she reacted very violently to what I said: her face changed and became distorted by hate and her eyes looked at me in such a way …she spitted out something like “ Your mind is completely fucked up!” I was really shocked by it and Shiva too so I kept silent after that, made myself very little on the couch, I even thought “Oh wow maybe she’s right, I’m maybe such a fucked up ‘mind identified’ person. I think that’s where the abuse kind of started or when I started to become aware of it, me feeling kind of inferior or fucked up, not getting it and with her treating me this way because she didn’t have the consensus or the kind of answer she was looking for. Let’s simply point out that this event marked me somehow. As the days passed she built up more and more speculations in her mind and as she “processes things“ aloud, it was very disturbing to me, especially because of the force in which she believes her speculations and new theories. I actually even tried to protect myself from that, so when she started to talk about her speculations or her conspiracies about the E.O.F. I would simply cover my ears, shake my head like a kid and say “I don’t give a shit.”(I basically made it clear I wasn’t there to follow her things but just to dismantle my fears and work on myself. Seeing how she creates layers and layers of meaning and explanation about anything and thus creating a new structure of belief through which she watches her reality was really repulsive to me, so that I would reject mentally any ‘truths’ that come up from her or question them.) So she more and more shared those things with Shiva but it didn’t prevent me though to be ‘contaminated’ by those ideas. I was resisting to as they remained in the back of my head and I would even make a nightmare about Diego a week after. The recurring questions were those of Jess being confused (all of a sudden it took so much more seriousness and importance), she felt jessica was money oriented but what I saw was Angela was trying to buy Jessica, because she knew jess was tight money wise. She was also comparing a lot with Jess, and I even told her ‘why do you compare oranges and apples?’. As I said before, her relationship to the EOF did change since the last time I was there. Beside all her unanswered questionings she was more and more wondering what the E.O.F was about, she seemed to have taken some distance from it, suspecting it to have some obscure agenda and she wanted to know what the project ’really’ was about, to know what she was participating to or being associated with… I had more and more the impression that she was looking for reasons to quit the project and her mind was trying to find some excuses. h) Living in a Horror Movie We watched Startrek into Darkness, and during the movie since the movie ‘shows a reflection of reality to her’ she identified herself to Spock and Diego to Kahn, Jessica to the blonde girl that was trying to protect Kahn and got hurt because of it… it occurs to her that Kahn was a very intelligent and cruel alien somehow. That was just enough to make her be all hysterical about Diego after the movie, all excited she started to put up all sorts of speculations about how Diego is a kind of soulless alien that came to invade earth and that he wanted to build schools to implant alien souls in children’s human bodies and that was the reason why she and Shiva had to see their dog Max seemingly ‘without a soul’ for a few hours before he died. The atmosphere was very nervous, fearful and hysterical somehow at that moment. I remember I was in the kitchen watching that, horrified. I was thinking “Oh gosh! She is making those people that help into her enemy (which the psychologists call the transfer…” and shortly after I even thought “…I will be the next on her chopping block”. It really felt to me, watching this, like living in a horror movie with this entire paranoid/hysterical atmosphere. It was tense in the air, also contagious from time to time. At some moments I was buying it too, especially in the beginning, because of the atmosphere, since she was so nervous about it, looking for a solution to stop this that I told her, “well if this is true, then the only thing you can do is to write your book” that Shiva also was there to balance that atmosphere, she pointed out that Angela couldn’t know anyway and that this was only speculations, this calmed me down too because watching Angela going so crazy about it made me nervous. To explain this atmosphere and the contagion of confusion I had a mental image, it was like if we were all 3 in a very little swimming pool, the size of the room, and the water was very agitated and turbulent coming in waves on me from Angela and at some point, during my stay there I was also trying to get out of that pool, to gain some psychological privacy but still it felt like I was only sitting on the edge of the pool, still touched by the waves of the water of confusion. It’s also very awful to me to realize while I‘m writing this to what extend we can be triggered by the environment in which we live. Like someone else’s paranoia and confusion triggered my own paranoia and confusion and made me think through it, even feeding it sometimes or making me react to it, trying to protect myself from it while feeling it’s so contagious. Even the fact to admit, even to myself, to having been so confused/being confused is quite uncomfortable. So after that Angela finally quit the group on facebook and posted a status update about how she was no longer related to them. She also posted a status update about the movie Startrek into Darkness so that people would ‘open their eyes’ or something about Diego. I remember that in the day after, when she sat down on her computer and I watched her I was thinking “Now that she is no more in the group I wonder how she will spend her time/attention to?”…but soon enough she found some other things to focus on on facebook, like creating chaos in other people’s lives for the satisfaction to balance it and ‘show them how it can be balanced.’ Another form of it was also her sudden interest in Ayahuasca (that trendy drug of nowadays), while she was obsessed with expanding her consciousness or to understand some other things about reality (like string theory or whatever); she wanted to attend a retreat around this thing a few months later in Holland. She built up a precise idea of what it was about in her mind and what it would bring to her and wanted to bring me and Shiva there too but we weren’t comfortable with it at all. To Shiva it was a money scam and to me there was no need for substitutes. She was very convincing and at some point Shiva and me almost bought it too for a little moment with all the appealing publicity around it but still, that was not something for us. I have no idea if they made that retreat after all. Things happened in chain very quickly, it took only a few days (maybe 2 maximum from when she quit the group) before she got blocked by Jessica. Angela had 2 dreams where she dreamed about Diego trying to get in a relationship with her, she was no longer with Shiva in the dream and Jessica was being upset about it in the dream. I remember I told her I had recurring thoughts with Diego too but that I thought it was more a result of my past habits. Like its been a few years since I fall in love with guys on the internet and it always starts like that, thinking about them (the idea of them rather) recurrently. No matter what, she was persuaded it was him that was the author of this, appearing in her dreams to flirt and so on. So the second day with the second dream she was kind of annoyed about it and since she saw him as a threat (alien dangerous guy that could also read through her eyes and uses alien technology and so on) and Jess like a manipulated ‘doll’, she decided to write an email to Jessica about Diego intruding in her dreams . She read us the email and sent it and after a talk filled with more paranoia and speculations with me and Shiva she decided maybe it was too much. Jess actually received the email and answered Angela’s message then Jess blocked her, which was something she didn’t expect at all. So after that she was wondering and questioning why she had been blocked by Jess. Then something happened I would call surreal in my point of view: Shiva was trying to calm down Angela and by doing so they read Jessica’s email that she sent to Shiva in a mirrored way! Which means that where Jess calls Angela a tyrant, they read that Diego was the tyrant to Jess. I don’t remember that email much, but I remember that part clearly because of that word as I used it in my first confrontation with Angela. I was also pretty much scared of that use of mirror thing, it was simply unreal somehow to retranslate everything in a mirrored way; it led to more confusion here of course. Shiva, on her behalf, was pretty much worried that Jess would block her too. She also thought that she did as she appeared offline on Skype to her. She was sad of the repercussions of Angela’s actions, after Angela quit the group she was already pretty worried about being forced to quit the group too because of Angela, which is something she tried to push her to do as well in the first days by suggesting “I don’t force you but still, as my partner blah blah” but she gave up on that after a while. Also after Jess blocked Angela she kind of let Shiva be friends with her and ‘didn’t care about it,’ but I suspect it was also a way to keep an eye on things while looking detached. She did the same with me while I was pondering if doing the work or staying in the end of fear project was good for me but I already decided that it actually was as it sounded like something more serious and right for me than what I was experiencing with Angela. She really was falsely representing the project injecting it with her own ideas and ideals. I was quite worried the day after the movie as I observed that she was making her friends the enemies in her mind and also I thought she would do the same with me just because it’s a pattern she would reproduce, that many tend to reproduce. So I talked about my concerns to Shiva, telling her that she would try to kick me out at some point and make me the enemy also sooner or later. Shiva answered “No way I will never let her do that, don’t worry.” I can’t say if she even measured what I was trying to explain to her. My relationship to Shiva was pretty warm and friendly; I actually spent most of my time with her outside in the garden while avoiding Angela. She was inside of the house glued to her computer, annoyed by almost anything we do like noise, chats, fun with the dogs or whatever. Sometimes I found it even a bit strange as I was friends with Angela on the internet for 3 years and to whom I was a bit more distant with but only knew Shiva really for a short time. I don’t know if Angela was feeling threatened by it (her not being the only source of joy for Shiva as I view it) or jealous of our complicity. Once, in Antwerp, she made a remark that we were flirting together while she pretty well knows I’m not interested into girls that way, that remark surprised me but I thought she wasn’t serious about it. Shiva and I had lot of fun together; I helped her in the house and in the garden or by cooking for them sometimes and it was quite pleasant for me, not a chore. Since she usually makes everything in the house she started to see that she didn’t have to take the whole responsibility of it all on her own and to see that she can be treated differently as well. This idea of her responsibility was so anchored in her head that when we went together to the market she constantly felt guilty being there without Angela. She payed for some cheap clothes and when I wanted to buy her a pair of (cheap) pants that she didn’t dare buy for herself she resisted for a while. But when she accepted them as a gift finally she felt so guilty to have something that she was looking to buy some ugly dress for Angela, just to buy her something as compensation. I pointed that out to her and she, on her behalf, pointed out to me how I tried to please others, the sellers that were trying to sell me some dress I wasn’t even interested in. It was a very interesting day and it was nice to observe each other. Sometimes later, as I appreciated her so much I used to annoy her a bit on purpose, like for example I would call her “Shiiiiiivaaaaa” like with the accent of Wall-­‐E in the movie. I can’t say where that behavior comes from, but somehow it’s anchored since my childhood as I loved to be annoyed by my brother for play and vice versa. When I was teen too most of my friends liked to annoy me gently like that also, it’s not a harmful behavior but it actually pissed Angela off. i) First ‘Argument’: In the first days I was there I had my first argument with Angela. I sleep on the couch in the living room with the dogs while they slept together in the bedroom only separated by a partition, the door always open. I sleep usually quite late at night and my sleep is deep in the morning. Often Angela would wake up in the middle of the night and/or early in the morning and come to write on her computer next to the couch. When it happens I only wake up to see what is going on and then I fall asleep again very fast. Like if I was plunging very deep into sleep directly. The dog locked outside started to scratch on the door, he wanted to come back in the house. She then woke me up by screaming that I really had a problem with responsibilities and that we had to dismantle that ASAP. I woke up very confused, not getting at all what was happening and why she was screaming and what responsibilities she was talking about as I was sleeping. It took us a while to understand that she was persuaded that she heard me waking up in between sleep and was eating a bowl of cereal before the dog scratched at the door, then she denied to open the door for the dog as I was the last up. I was so shocked from that awakening and so angry about her screaming on me like that to wake me up while she said so many times to us that sleep is sacred, plus putting the responsibilities on me like that… that Shiva had to calm me down for a while else I would have gone out to strangle Angela. I had been pushed to the edge. So finally we confronted each other. Oh gosh I was so furious. I started to tell her all I was thinking of her like for example that she was a tyrant in this house to us and things like that. She didn’t move an inch and listened to me with a poker face, it was very perturbing. You can insult her or whatever you want, she won’t move an inchor question herself because for her others do protect their fear or mirror themselves on her, there is no place for constructive criticism. Anyway she explained to me that she wasn’t a tyrant, that it was my projections and so on. With time I calmed down, and cleared the situation up. In general the dynamic between us 3 changed from last time I was there. Before it was mostly Shiva who was pushed to ‘do the work’ by Angela and struggling with it but this time it was mostly me. Every 2 or 3 days she would pick on me, to dismantle me or anything like that, saying I give her headaches by thinking or simply beingme/there, that it creates imbalances and the keyword was always “we need to balance this or that to bring peace.” One day she made me dismantle and as we began the wind started to blow and she was saying “See the wind? There is already a shift that occurred since we are dismantling” and I was thinking “huh? We barely started and didn’t even point out the issue,” she’s also persuaded that the sun shining is a sign of her vibration. “So what do you do when it’s cloudy outside? You look for some imaginary problems to dismantle?” I thought. Another time, she was ‘dismantling’ me and all of a sudden said “we really should record this on video, it’s so very interesting and people can see how it is and all that confusion in you” and I found this quite out of context in the conversation and somehow it triggered me as it sounded quite familiar with what the E.O.F. was doing with the reality show series. Anyway I didn’t feel comfortable with that idea and I found it a bit megalomaniac from her also as it was so completely out of topic… In general I was the problem as I was ‘dismantling,’ coached by Angela, and struggling with her explanations and her projections onto me, Shiva was more left in peace and could observe my struggles during the ‘process’. She actually even enjoyed them, smiling wide or making fun of me. For once it wasn’t her being taken at fault and looking so confused and so on after all. I wasn’t mad at her for it, it’s so comprehensible to react like that after all, I even joked that she enjoyed it too much sometimes, like if her little sadist side was showing up in those moments. j) Trip to Antwerp It was my b.day and somehow I never felt like doing something special for it, so basically I made a cake the day before for the fun of it (and yes I couldn’t wait, I really was craving for my favorite Italian cake. The day after they invited me to go to a spa in Antwerp. It was a very nice place with private rooms we can rent and enjoy the different atmospheres of it (like a tropical island and an Aztec jungle). We came out of the spa, it was evening already, and Shiva wanted to go to a funfair the other side of the city but we missed the bus and we wouldn’t have arrived fast enough there. So we needed to find a taxi and Shiva was calling one on the phone when suddenly Angela saw one in the middle of the road, coming out of nowhere in this deserted street. So we entered in it quite blown away. Angela started to chit chat in a friendly way with the taxi driver, she even started to dance on his music and it made me very uncomfortable because usually she’s annoyed by music and she also is pissed when we chat together. I didn’t make a remark because I knew she would twist my head around with some excuse like ‘going with the flow’ or whatever, anything that would make her right anyway and that I would take a while to even try to understand so hard as usual. So we had the time to be at this fair Shiva wanted to attend since a few days and ate then we walked to take a tram that would bring us to the Antwerp main station. They actually did book a hotel but I had no idea what hotel, neither where it was located. It was almost midnight and when we stepped out of the tram Shiva led us to another tram stop and looked the timetable for the next tram that was 45 minutes later, so I assumed we had to take that tram later on to get to the hotel. Angela said she wanted to go inside the station, while Shiva was looking to buy some hamburger at the nearby McDonalds that happened to be closed. I left Shiva that was on her way to meet Angela inside of the station to go to buy some cigarettes as I had none and she didn’t understand what I was saying. Five minutes later I was inside of the station looking for them but there was no one to be seen around so I go on the tram stop we just checked earlier and waited there as I didn’t see them around. I waited quietly there and like half an hour later I finally decided to try to call Shiva as I didn’t see them arriving for the next tram. Shiva answered and told me to wait for her inside of the station on the old part of it, on the stairs. So there I went, wondering why I lost them for a pack of cigarettes in a big city like that, so late in the evening, was I such an addict or did I have such a need for control that I had to have the control of getting my cigarettes at any cost so I forced it instead of ‘going with the flow’? So I sat on the stairs waiting, I wasn’t nervous because since I lived with them it was always about ‘being in the now’ so since now was ok there was no reason to worry. Shiva arrived a while after, like half an hour after and she told me “ You can consider yourself lucky I still come to pick you up” I was surprised and it occurs that when Shiva joined Angela in the station and I was gone to buy the cigarettes, Angela, going with the flow and living in the now like she always does, decided she was tired and wanted to walk to the hotel so Shiva followed her to not lose her trace and they were at the hotel-­‐ that was actually located the other side of the huge station-­‐ since then. Shiva explained to me that Angela pushed her to dismantle her ‘need to be a good friend and to come to pick me up’ after I called, which is why I guess she told me I could consider myself lucky she came to look after me. When we go out in a group we come back all together as well, just like I thought to be a normal attitude. She also added that Angela ‘sensed’ or ‘perceived’ I was starting to become nervous (which wasn’t the case since I was waiting and bored to wait) so that’s when Shiva went to pick me up. I mean we were in a city far away from home in the middle of the night, there were no trains at this hour and Angela goes to the hotel because everything is fine now, even if I have no idea where the hotel is or what the name of the hotel was, I wasn’t even supposed to have my broken phone with me and so on …it was a bit much to swallow and it was pretty scary to realize how things happened. We arrived in the hotel room and Angela was asleep (Shiva told me later on that she was pretending to be asleep like to avoid having explanations maybe… I’m still amazed sometimes how Shiva knows Angela’s behavioral tricks but still accepts to play her game) so we didn’t make much noise but I said aloud “I’m not surprised, people think she’s crazy frankly”. Then we slept and I didn’t sleep so well so I continued to sleep a bit in the morning when they gone out of the room. I stood up and showered, then I looked around and their stuff was still there but I had no idea when they would come back. I didn’t know if I had to wait for them or if I should just leave to get a breakfast because anyway it was plain day and I knew the way back home and there were trains available. I called Shiva and she didn’t know what to tell me about plans, they actually wanted me to make my own plans without bothering them or adapting to theirs. Anyway I didn’t care, I just wanted to go and have my breakfast. I sat down to smoke a cigarette and they arrived actually and I’d just gone out to have my breakfast on a terrace nearby where they found me later on. Angela was explaining how she had difficulties to even ‘sustain the hologram’ as the pillar in front of her was blurry or disappearing or something. So we explained to each other about the night before and she ‘dismantled’ why I had to go buy myself a pack of cigarettes in the middle of the night, like getting lost and my need of control of and that she/it taught me a lesson. It’s actually not the first time that Angela pushed someone (Shiva) to put us in an embarrassing or stressful situation like this Shiva told me later on, a bit pissed that Angela herself never did it but always delegating such things to others to push them to face their fears. How can Shiva notice so much behaviors but still not stand up for herself I sometimes wondered too. I often thought after all this story with them that she’s unaware or blinded… k) The Fire Back to their home and usual life with the dogs and the garden and so on… Shiva so wished for more than a year to make a fireplace in the garden that when she asked for some help I jumped from the couch and there we go to look for some big heavy stones to the river with a wheelbarrow. She was so excited about it, it had been so long she wanted to do such a thing but Angela never showed interest or helped with such things. We built up a fire pit in the garden, excited like two kids when they have a project. Angela came up and put us down about our chit chat about the fire. Then she wanted to put her hand in the fire and that Shiva takes a picture of it. She was excited about how her facebook friends would react to it thinking she lost her marbles for doing it while she was working on her fears that nothing could happen if she mastered the fear or illusion that fire burns, but it’s all only energy after all. So she approached the fire and tested it for a while, still a bit fearing to be burned while she was trying it out but at least she could test her fears. She passed her hand through the fire above very quickly, it made a nice picture at least. (But this is not what the EOF is about at all, again another personal interpretation at that.) Angela then went on to say about how we should watch the stars and that her star was the biggest one because she watched it often and it responded to her and her vibration. Then we had another talk where she said that Diego and Jess were not gurus, even for them, but simple humans to her but still Angela was wondering “now that they (she and Shiva) didn’t have them to make them grow where and how would they find some evolved people to make them evolve?” This contradiction really triggered me and I laughed inside about it, plus I was thinking that the people who made them gurus were her by the way, she followed them before. As Jess and Diego always said they were not anyone’s gurus and often discouraged people from seeing them that way. Then Angela watched her star for a while and she turned to me and said “You were right, several realities co-­‐exist at the same time, my star just told me.” A few days before, in all this confusion-­‐
filled ambiance, while I was observing her talk so much about conspiracies in the EOF and Diego, and I was scared like living in a horror movie, I was imagining that all what she was saying could be true, even in another timeline somehow, the more she was feeding it, verbalizing it and thinking about it somehow as “we create our own reality” or something like that (actually maybe I imagined something like that because of an episode of a soap series about timelines that I watched some time before mixed with her own teachings, it’s really a weird mix and it’s interesting to see how we pick up things like that and in moments of confusion they show up. It also reminds me of that Kumare movie when the guru guy perceives something while he knows what he’s teaching is bullshit) …well anyway I told her then to stop it and explained to her what I was thinking/imagining –it seems I told her the same kind of thing (to stop to talk and think about it and feed it). So what I noticed is that she had to go to ask questions to a star to get some confirmation about something and it made me quite dubitative. I mean somehow, somewhere in history we do such things without questioning them like readings in the coffee, horoscopes, in antiquity priest sacrificed animals to read some predictions in their wombs and regarding how the animal died, looking for some answers in some outer things then it becomes superstition… And then she asked me “But how can you know such things, as you are not conscious/evolved at all?” And there I understood that she had a kind of hierarchy in her mind and the scales of it where the ‘level of consciousness’ of people. It was shocking to me because it’s like making a separation with ‘normal’ people and giving credit to ‘spiritual ‘people. It’s something I already did notice before, how they considered negatively (unconsciously maybe) ‘mind identified people’…so ‘normal’ people let’s say. I don’t know, I think there is much to learn from everyone and especially from simplicity. I’m sure there is much more interesting things going on between a baker and his bread than between people meditating in a group and talking about it constantly. So anyway, I was shocked because I understood it somehow in the way that for her I was considered inferior to her. l) The River We used to go to the river next to their house, as it was so hot that summer. Usually we go next to the cascade where it’s less deep but one day I really wanted to swim a bit and there was a spot nearer to the house where people usually go, just between the bank of the river and a little island where the savage ducks rest, 40 meters before the bridge. At the foot of the bridge, around the level of its pillars, the water is very deep, like 4 meters, and very agitated. There was a women who stayed stuck there against a pillar last year the neighbor told me. I’m not that good of a swimmer but usually in the river we stayed where we had a foot in the depth of the water. So it was very hot that day, and we went all 3 to that spot. We stepped into the water and Angela was looking at the surroundings. It looked like a fairy tale painting, she starting a whole theory about it while Shiva was a bit behind taking pics with the camera and I was entering the water and moving forward wanting to explore that island place. So there we go, I had water at my waist level and suddenly my new slippers (Shiva lost my other pair of slippers a few days before in the river so I bought new ones and wanted to avoid losing them) slip away with the flow of the river. And I was exclaiming at it as I was looking at them, they kind of went away slowly so I was stressed and pondering if I would have time to get it back from the water before they would be out of reach. So I was kind of stressed and Angela yelled at me “go on! Jump, jump, jump! get them! Jump!” so…I jumped. (It’s interesting to notice that this situation reminds me another episode of my past where I was stressed/in panic and someone tried to push me to do something which I didn’t want to do but it was manipulative from that person and well knowing what she was doing. Actually, if we are in a situation of fear, stress or panic I think it’s very easy to be pushed to do something because we don’t think properly in those moments.) Ok so there I was, all of a sudden in a part of the river where I had no foot at all to the bottom of the river and was taken away by the force of the flow of the river, impossible to swim backwards. I yelled at them but it was no use so I tried to handle this situation. I was momentarily in a panic I have to say, things happened fast but slow enough to panic and to think. Way down there was the bridge, and if I reached it and got stuck there I would drown tired. On one side there was the island, still I could reach it but once there then what? So I tried to go to the bank of the river little by little, I had no idea of the depth of the water and since the water wasn’t transparent I had no idea if I would hurt something underneath the water, so I was mostly trying to stay calm. “Breathe slowly now, everything is fine.” Ok it sounds silly, but it was a very stressful situation for me, I mean if I panicked, to me, I would have drowned for sure. So I finally joined the bank of the river and joined them exhausted and Shiva asked me “Are you okay?” “No!” I screamed, I thought I was going to drown in the river and she actually did notice something was wrong but Angela told her nah that everything was fine now, and continued her blah blah and to get her attention I guess. I was a bit shocked at this idea. I mean, ok you have a nice setting, spiritual people talking about being in the now and that everything is fine now, and someone almost drowned in the river a few meters from there…? And the worst part of that idea is actually if I drowned it wouldn’t even have shocked Angela I think. What she would have done is to explain how I manifested death by a fear of death… I was shocked, I spent the rest of my day beating myself up for risking so much for a silly shoe during a moment of panic. m) Confrontation One day Angela was struggling with her fb activity so she turned to us and asked a question that I would translate like “How can I convince people (that what I say is the truth)?”. I told her what I thought and noticed about her general behavior. I was so scared of her that I was trembling while talking but I still told her honestly what I was thinking no matter what and it would shake her illusions about herself. So I told her that her fb post sounded like she knows it all and is a “know it all” and that she lectures us others, that I felt uncomfortable also when she mentions me there because she translates everything in her point of view and deforms a lot the facts in her own advantage/self-­‐centered perspective and that I didn’t want her to mention/expose me there as well. I told her that her lecturing and teaching people like that, trying to fix them, was like to prove to herself that she was fixed (from her miserable life and bipolarity for example). That her mind was making excuses for herself so that she could continue her patterns and so on…To which Shiva actually was surprised too and even said “oh wow yes, I noticed those behaviors as well but I thought it was only my impressions”. Angela really looked sincere and interested in what I was saying, she was even concerned on why I was so scared of her (usually it’s because her reactions are to put me down and having the last word and me being ‘confused as fuck’), I gave her the example of my first evening here and how she reacted with hatred and she actually completely forgot about what I was speaking about while even Shiva remembered it and was shocked of it! Then after a few minutes she started to defend herself again. To say like no, she wasn’t doing those behaviors regarding her activity on fb and I had a very nervous smile wondering if I should shut up or tell her straight forward that it was precisely what her mind used to do that she is doing now. She stopped, looked at me and I told her she was defending herself. She looked at Shiva to support her point of view as usual but then Shiva even busted her on that saying ‘see you were looking for support and confirmation’so she felt very lost and realized it. But it wasn’t enough to realize it like that because her mind was still trying to fight after a few minutes. So she stood up and went to lie on the bed as escapism, she was really shaken and wanted to go away, to travel away, to escape literally, while it was completely unrelated to the conversation. That too I told her. She really had to face it I thought, all of those things she reproduces; I was actually really excited that we went on a talk as far as that, I really thought it would help her. I also was happy by the perspective that it would put all three of us on a more equal relationship because I was being put down so much as well and Angela was like the boss of us. We also talked about the fact that there was no ‘truth’ to be seeked, that it was useless to do so and a habit as well, no purpose in life just being in the moment. It was shocking for her too, she still wanted to escape far away, we pointed that out that this was an escape she was trying to do again, Shiva told her even that it wasn’t the first time either she reacted like that. We talked about fear of the unknown then and what fear was. Again she had distracted thoughts unrelated to the topic, she said “we should make a reality show of such moments” …to which I directly thought “that’s not her idea, it’s Jess’s idea” and I realized her/the mind was like a sponge picking up ideas and then re-­‐using them without even being conscious of it. Anyway, she struggled a lot that evening, for a while we were both on her making her face things which is also unusual for her and pretty scary and uncomfortable to face. I really was excited of it, finally we could go on with a well-­‐balanced dynamic between us 3 and Angela would grow from it I thought. It was really important to me that she gets out of this circle because it was insane even for others (us at least) interacting with her. While I told that to Shiva once Angela was resting and we were out smoking a cigarette, she was a bit less optimistic about it and told me “No she will find an excuse and continue.” I couldn’t believe it. It was impossible for me but the morning after Angela posted on Facebook a new definition of fear for her and Shiva told me “ She said this morning it wasn’t a bother to make such a fuss about it and that we misunderstood her.” I couldn’t believe all this had been useless, that she even forgot about it (one month later when she would write a group letter to me, Isa, Diego, Jess, and David. It was clear she completely forgot about all this and was even repeating her behaviors, just by seeing the modus operandi to send that letter and its content, Isa and me weren’t even surprised to receive such a letter). n) A Convenient Dream (Cold War is Official) One morning Angela told me that she had a dream where basically there was a flood and she was in a parking lot and some people tried to escape that flood and she showed them how to use the car to get out of that flood. The main lesson from that dream was “Either the misbalanced gets balanced, or else the misbalanced has to leave.” So she explained to me basically that it concerned me. Either I had to balance the misbalance I create there, or I leave this house. I knew something like that would happen since I saw how she made her friends the enemies and she left the E.O.F. project, so my first thought was “There we are, it’s official now: my time here is counted.” After that of course I would be pushed to ‘balance’ things every 2 or 3 days because of her discomfort or the headaches I give to her by staying in her space and thinking. At some point I was worried about her ‘balancing or leaving thing’ because seeing that anything had to be balanced according to her mood there might be a moment where there is nothing imaginary to balance or to clear up. What I mean by this is that for example she would pick on me for anything, like once it was because she heard a Skype notification from my computer and asked to Shiva who it was and she realized it wasn’t Shiva on Skype but me. So after that she was pissed at me because I didn’t answer her, while that sound did annoy her (I have to make a remark next to this, is that when she is on Skype the Skype notification sounds don’t disturb her, thus it was a quite confusing situation to me to figure out that she was so disturbed by it). So I had to dismantle on myself why she was annoyed by my Skype conversation. My nightmare about Diego When we were in Brussels to shop after the Antwerp trip and after I refused Angela to share with me about her speculations about the EOF and in general, because I was afraid to be contaminated by those ideas, I heard Angela talking to Shiva about how she had a nightmare about this while I was walking in front of them in the streets. And how she tried to convince her to be on her side, “Shiva you don’t understand, I tell you he’s extremely dangerous and evil…”. I moved on forward. That night or maybe the night after, I had a nightmare about it too. The dream started in the house, I entered the door that leads to the bathroom but in the dream it’s another place than in reality, I dreamt about this place also at my first stay there. It wasn’t inside, neither outside, but it was still a room with a roof somehow, the floor was earth and there were remains of destructed walls, just like a ruin, a vast ruined area, it was night. Suddenly I was in a dark alley with a little lamp torch looking for my way. I saw Diego’s face lightened by the lamp torch, for a fraction of a second I felt relieved then I don’t know I was being followed by someone. I was walking fast trying to find my way in the dark. All of a sudden someone is standing in front of me, takes my hands and there was a kind of I don’t know, electricity. My hands started to shake, the shaking was propagating to my forearms and my upper body, and it was strong and it hurt. I was scared as hell. I woke up shaken by it, I could feel it on my body like what I felt in my dream was happening to my body as well, deeply. I was so shocked and scared, wow. It’s not the first time I wake up like this from a nightmare and feel like it was so real, like when I dream I’m being choked on the neck sometimes or when I dreamt while I was a teen that I was falling from very high and waking up feeling like I really fell down into /with my body. But here it was different, it was powerful the sensations from the dream into my body hurting physically. I told the girls about my dream, I was still shocked. Later on in the morning I told to Shiva that I wouldn’t give credit to that dream about Diego because of all of the fear there that was in it. I don’t understand what dreams really are, but I found it not to be a coincidence that some time before I heard about Angela’s dream about Diego, then that I was fighting that idea and dreamt about it. By seeing how much credit Angela gave to her dreams (like Diego flirting with her in them or him trying to get her or even that balancing dream) I was against the idea to give so much credit to my own dreams on how to lead my life. There was too much of a weird ambience around Diego with Angela, I didn’t want to give into it and I still wanted to work with the E.O.F. project and find out for myself. o) Claustrophobia We went to a fair nearby in the following days and there was a game with huge plastic bubbles in which you enter and then you are put in a swimming pool and have fun within. I really wanted to make this attraction. So I put my head in the bubble before air gets blown into it and I already felt some discomfort. I was thinking “Come on, don’t be a wussy, you’re anyway working on your fears.” Lol, I always think I will outsmart something but it’s the opposite that happens. So I totally forgot about my claustrophobia before to enter in this balloon and as it got closed, even if the balloon was transparent, I already felt quite uncomfortable in it. The discomfort was physical; I couldn’t hear any thoughts in my head about it, just trying to rationally calm me down from a potential panic attack or whatever. It didn’t work of course and after only a few minutes in it I was being out of air and a bit in panic in the swimming pool. The worse was that I was screaming to get out but no one saw me, only Shiva noticed me, and the few minutes to get out of it were like an eternity to me. I wanted to understand more about my claustrophobia so I wanted to contact Diego about it. That weekend (15th/16th June) the girls decided to go on a trip and I decided it was the right time to have a Skype session with him. With all the ambiance here about Diego, and even if Angela was pretending to not care if I had sessions with him and that I was free to follow the e.o.f. project, I still felt uncomfortable with the idea of having her around during the Skype talk so I wanted to avoid that. The girls were about to leave as I was writing my email to him and Angela was looking at me and I decided to read her my email. It was a confused email where I was still kind of persuaded about that timelines story, so she looked at me with a weird smile and weird eyes. You know I already saw such a glance in my ex guru’s eyes and also later on with my grandmother before the situation with her degenerated into paranoia, it was a profound malevolent glance let’s say, kind of sick eyes, where time stops kind of and that something happens in the space between me and them, some kind of weird unspoken communication on other levels I guess. So she was smiling like that and then she told me something like “your email is very confused. You are very confused; you live in your own built up illusions.” (So she knows what I was living with for days watching her lol) Then I thought for a few minutes while she left, and indeed she was right. I was living in some lalaland in my head and I thought ‘anyway with all this confusion here from now on I will only stick to the facts and forget about all those imaginary things, my own and other’s speculations.’ So it took me only five minutes actually and I wrote a very casual email to Diego mentioning nothing from what was up here. He replied pretty politely and we even had an email exchange about my claustrophobia. My claustrophobia was an archetype for an existential fear. I basically am afraid of being stuck in a situation (which is why I avoided to commit to a job or to a man) or to have my mind raped by something or someone. It wasn’t a coincidence I was stuck at Angela’s place with the fear to have her brainwashing me actually. The interesting thing is that Shiva too is claustrophobic actually. p) Depression about Creativity I always had a big struggle about being creative and productive after my burnout at school a few years ago. I wouldn’t dare to do anything personal, it was a big problem to me. Since I was living there without expectations like that (just about balancing the unbalance I create around me and dismantling my fears) I started more and more to make fun things like cooking, gardening with Shiva, building up a little space and shelter for the ducks and so on that were already big improvements for me. Afterwards I went out to talk to Shiva how we could create a space in the garden. I had an idea about it and was thinking about it for a while, I was really enthusiastic. Angela came out and put me down about talking so much about creating something and I withdrew into myself like an oyster after that. For 3 days I was sad and spent my days in a state of apathy or sleeping a lot. I didn’t give a fuck. Angela pushed me to dismantle that by confronting me outside on the terrace. I said I have no idea why I am like that, I feel empty inside and I don’t know the reason of it. Angela was saying that if I don’t dismantle it or rebalance it I would have to leave but I had no idea. She asked Shiva’s opinion and to my surprise Shiva said that too, that I had to find the reason or else bye bye, but she digged and digged because she recalled that when they came back I was so enthusiastic and suddenly I wasn’t. And she is the one that found out what was wrong and where it started, that it was my creativity problem since Angela put me down about it. So problem resolved everything was okay again, the thing got ‘dismantled’ and that’s it. (Angela knew me so well for years, me and my issues, I can’t believe she did that without knowing what she was doing. Don’t know really, it feels weird as I write it.) Somehow after that weekend they spent together something ‘shifted’ with Shiva as well. When I got picked on from then on Angela would ask her approval/support for it, to reinforce her power or righteousness. The dynamic changed to be even worse than before actually. Shiva was now persuaded by Angela that I was confused and Angela knew how I was afraid to be kicked out. q) When the Cat is Away, The Mice are Dancing During the following week I had to put up a session (that we missed) with Diego and tried to make it coincide with Angela’s absence. She had to go to Holland to have her hair cut and brought two people together for this occasion, it was like an experiment for her to show them how to manifest reality and also how to balance chaos when it’s created as they were confused about how she organized all this in an unconventional way let’s say. Shiva wasn’t really appealed to go, we talked all three about that trip and I said I wasn’t interested at all by this story and going there. I also said it wasn’t worth it to push Shiva to follow her everywhere like a dog. Shiva was kind of relieved to not have to go there and participate in that but in the meanwhile of the departure she told me that Angela still tried to push her to follow her there in an insidious way like “You’re sure you don’t want to come with? Blah…” I was proud of Shiva that for once she stood up for herself and made clear what she wanted. Once Angela disappeared it was a happy day, we even spent the day with music in the house woot and beside that it was very relaxed. The day after when we saw Angela coming back home, she was waving to us from the bridge, all off a sudden my mood went down I was a bit disappointed she came back so soon. Shiva felt it, she told me my level dropped very fast and she was actually right. I felt so uncomfortable or distant toward Angela. I do not know why I stayed there for as long as I did. I actually treated Shiva like she treated me: warmly; and Angela the same way she treated me: coldly. It’s like I responded to them in the same way they were living. r) Session with Diego: “Staying in your Cage to Understand It” I had a session with Diego 22nd june (3 days only before I quit finally) at night while the girls were out for a gig. I was quite tired, it was 2 a.m., and the connection was very bad with noises. We talked about my claustrophobia issue and he tried to explain to me that the cage was in my mind and that if I wanted to resolve my claustrophobia I had to face it, stay in my cage and understand it (well that’s how I understood it anyway)…to which I reacted with a big “ohhh fuuuckk,” because I was thinking my actual cage is that place I’m living in with them (which is not false after all :p ). Meh. I also somehow tried to explain what it was here with Angela, how she didn’t follow any guru here, that lesson was learned (according to her) and how she was building up her own version of reality though in her head. I’m not sure though my explanation was clear at all. I was also kind of looking for consensus as to know if she was clear in her head or right about things with her theories whatsoever as I was also so doubtful; but I didn’t insist in that direction, there was no time, and the connection was very bad so I gave up on that part. So anyway: I had to stay there, in that cage and try to understand how it works, the illusion of it. When the girls came back in the morning, they told me about the gig and how Angela thinks the singer is actually ill and that they are hiding it for the business and she wants to help him; and me I told them about that, that I had to stay in this cage to understand the illusion of it… After which Angela decided to kick me out of the house explaining me I had to go and that I would understand the illusion and that I would be back sooner than I thought. So I had to pack my bag, I was really shocked, she hugged me very tight like if I was a very good friend while I was actually completely under shock, didn’t respond to her hug really, and looked at Shiva in total despair. I was in panic. I was scared of this moment for a while and I murmured to Shiva to take care of herself while I quit, I didn’t even feel like saying goodbye to Butch the dog. Angela was sunbathing outside and waved at me like if I was going out for a fun thing, she said I would be back sooner than I thought with a big smile. I was walking on the bridge toward the station and I had a breakdown. I was so in panicked inside, didn’t know what to do, I was also pissed at her, so I was crying as I was walking to the station with my luggage. I saw the train waiting there and couldn’t believe my eyes; was I so late or is it a train before? I almost reached the train but it left, and I was looking at it disappear. Damn I missed the train actually. It was a Saturday and I assumed another train would come one hour afterward so I didn’t care, it didn’t matter. I sat down in the train shelter and waited. I was sad and pissed and at some point I even thought about Butch the dog, I so would have liked to seen him I didn’t even hug him goodbye. And guess who appeared at the shelter: Butch! Followed by Shiva. She actually knew I had missed the train so she came over to talk with me. I was venting and pissed and upset at Angela and she was listening to me quietly and so on. After one hour there was still no train and she told me there was a train only after two hours, I couldn’t believe it because we were on Saturday not on Sunday and even in such little villages there must have been more trains but I verified and she was right. I was thirsty so she persuaded me to go back home with her to get a drink before the next train. I followed her a bit reluctantly and there was Angela still sunbathing in the garden with a big smile and she welcomed me back saying ‘Did you see the illusion that you weren’t in a cage?’ or something like that I said ya ok. So she actually kicked me out to teach me a lesson. So basically she created a damn mess, just like in Antwerp, regardless of the emotional impact it could have had, all this just for the satisfaction to be right at the end and teach a lesson but this time a seed started to germinate in my mind… t) Dividing to Reign As I wrote before, a seed started to germinate in my mind after noticing how Shiva had been accurately sensitive and not only once with me. It seemed to me like she was more aware of her surroundings and encouraging than Angela was; where Angela was translating anything and explaining them, putting up theories here and there about people and things (thus creating new structures of thoughts and rhetorical truths). Shiva was just quietly being herself and without trying to prove anything she resolved more than once false conflicts or noticing others’ emotional states. She was caring and humble staying in Angela’s shadow. Somehow the impression that Angela was freaky friendly to be approved by people perspired more and more while in contrast it was undeniable that Shiva was naturally the ‘attractive’ element to people in their couple and this on a more subtle level than words and speeches can convey. She was oblivious of it since for so long, she thought she was scary to people because of her ‘looks,’ but it’s actually not the looks that scare people when they see her attitude and behavior is kind and caring. There were also some differences between the ‘perceptions’ Angela and Shiva could have. Angela claims/pretends to perceive people’s discomfort about her in a telepathic way somehow, but it seems to me that those ‘perceptions’ were self-­‐generated and in most cases when she ‘sensed’ them she was actually the cause of the initial confusion/mess about her. Like for example, in the last days of my stay there, there was some confusion between her and her ex-­‐husband that started after she tried to convince him about something, or else, once we were in a restaurant in a village next to theirs and she felt disturbances and needed to go back home in a hurry to find out about it and ‘balance it’: it occurs the ‘confusion’ was about the people that hire her and since she’s systematically struggling to keep on with the deadlines she felt their worries about her and her work to be delivered on time… details like that sinked in my mind and started to make their way little by little. There was also another thing that disturbed me slightly. I had the impression that Angela was absorbing Shiva. I cannot explain this differently because it’s a mental image when I have witnessed it. It’s simply like if the limits between Angela and Shiva are blurred but not on their physical level, and Shiva is being absorbed and invaded by Angela so that the boundaries between them disappear somehow. More than once have I seen Angela asking to Shiva her impressions or how she felt about a situation and absorbing it, making it her own somehow. One evening, the neighbor came by to talk, just after I got almost kicked out. He knew about it and I guessed at first that he came by to gossip about it. He assumed that I was a lesbian too and that I had an affair I think with Shiva and that Angela had been jealous or suddenly discovered about it and kicked me out. I denied it. Nonetheless, this was simply an introduction to talk about his disguised intentions: having an affair with being sure that his wife would never find out about it. I cut the conversation straight away and went back inside a bit shocked and told the girls what just happened. I was actually shocked that he proposed to me an affair just like that (it is true we went along pretty well and he was friendly but never would I have expected that), but then Angela seemed to be very disturbed by the fact that he thought that I had an affair with one of them. Her reaction surprised me a lot since she claimed hard and loud so often that she didn’t give a shit about what people think. After a few days even this story was still in her head and she was talking about it while it was already forgotten for me. Why it bothered her was incomprehensible at first for me …But here I think we did hit a sensitive spot: as to know that her relationship wasn’t looking so perfect from the outside despite her efforts to make it look like that on internet with all her pictures and comments. Anyway, it seems she was quite annoyed by it. One morning, we were eating croissants and all off a sudden my tooth refill broke, leaving me with a big hole in one of my teeth and little bits of sharp tooth around it. It didn’t hurt as that tooth had been devitalized years ago but I was a bit shocked of the suddenness of this event and shared it with the girls. Shiva was insisting to find a solution and a dentist or to pull it out but I didn’t care much and wasn’t willing to pull it out or to fix it as it didn’t hurt or to schedule a dentist as I had no insurance in Belgium. I wasn’t in a hurry or bothering so much for it, I shared this information because I was surprised (in my point of view at least). The girls went in their room and talked a bit, I didn’t pay attention and after a while Shiva came out and asked me to go outside with her to have a walk. During the walk she told me that Angela was annoyed by my tooth problem and said I made all a drama about it. (huh?) So she was trying to convince me to go to a dentist and to fix that problem and we talked about it. I thought I didn’t make a big deal of it. In the evening it was Angela who came to talk to me about my tooth saying that Shiva was very annoyed by it. It was quite confusing, who really was annoyed by it I wondered… And knowing Shiva I knew she had no problems telling me her concerns about it but to go until the point to say she was ‘annoyed’ by it was a bit of a big thing. In the days after my tongue was hurting because of the sharpness of the tooth but I don’t remember if I complained about it to them. As soon as I had gone home it stopped hurting anyway and I got it fixed. Same with my back ache the first time I was there, this one disappeared even during the trip back home. I believe in psychosomatic illnesses and pain, in the past I had some showing up pretty fast for some psychological issue I had with something specific, I noticed then that those ‘illnesses’ prevented me from doing what I mentally resisted to do just like if my body was sabotaging me but in a convenient way somehow… although in these cases here I don’t really know what could have been the meaning of such pains or if I should even put some specific meaning on it beside of the physical discomfort it made me experience during my stay there. Shiva, who takes care of the house and us started to think that I needed a dog and she was willing to adopt a dog for me. She was saying “Pam needs a dog” while she was watching those posts to adopt dogs from shelters on Facebook like she’s accustomed to do. I wasn’t ok with this idea. I had already 2 cats that I was forced to leave at my mom’s house for their well being because there is a big garden there for them, and the responsibility to own pets was in contradiction with my instability and need for some liberty of movement (travels and so on). She was persuaded I needed a dog but I suspected there was something else behind it, like that need she has to rescue dogs from shelters so I told her “it’s not your responsibility to save all animals in Belgium”. It looks like it was a distraction for her somehow, plus it was like a transfer also somehow to adopt sick abandoned dogs that she would take care of and give love to, forgetting about herself in it. The atmosphere in the house was becoming more and more confined somehow. Angela was starting to try to divide us (Shiva and me) to reign. One time they were whispering in the bedroom and just after Angela would come back in the living room, sit down in front of her computer, look at the wall in front of her and yell, completely ignoring my own presence next to her, “Pam doesn’t fart! Pam doesn’t fart!”, like if it was proof of something or some highly important fact. I was a bit surprised of such a behavior and made a joke that instead I was pooing a lot anyway these days but somehow communicating about that wasn’t even interesting to her, she didn’t even answer to it. What a stupid thing it is to get bullied for not farting. A fart is just a fart. All of a sudden, in this American ex ultra-­‐
girlish girl’s mind, farting had started to become an indicator for someone’s spiritual awakening or a positivity barometer or even a new standard/norm to reach or something like that. It seems like the house was starting to shrink for them somehow and they wanted more room, certainly I started to become a burden or a disturbance. We talked about it and I said that to my surprise, me who usually needs my private space was living the fact to not have one quite well. The only thing that bothered me was that my bed was the couch and that Butch the big dog was starting to invade my space even during my sleep. Shiva, who takes so much care of the house, wanted me to have my private space to or to rearrange the space somehow so that I would have privacy or my own little bed. We tried to find a solution but that house was so just in its dimensioning an impossible mission even to put me in the laundry room. Shiva was starting to look up for chalets to buy, they wanted something bigger for Angela to receive guests for workshops maybe and for Shiva to have more space to rescue dogs, maybe making a dog shelter. One morning, when I woke up, the girls were already awake in the bedroom and whispering together. I went to the toilet and closed the door loud so that they hear I was up. I guess ‘they’ didn’t like to hear that noise because afterward Angela came in the living room trying to make up a drama between us undercover of creating balance again. She was trying to separate us, to push us against each other and tried to make us confront each other. So she started to say that Shiva was annoyed by me, I had to explain myself but there was not much to be found on my side so the conversation went back on Shiva explaining herself somehow and it resulted in Shiva wanting to re-­‐display the house’s furniture because she was annoyed by the fact that Angela was the only one to have a desk and that she (Shiva) suffered of back pain by staying on the couch to use her computer. (yes I know it seems like a confusing discussion, that led to something that had nothing to do with the situation simply because there was nothing to argue about). So basically, hearing this Angela went out sunbathing, as she made her job of ‘balancing’ the situation (-­‐>yes this is sarcasm) and left us two together inside to fix this furniture rearrangement. Shiva was completely shocked as Angela stepped outside, she said “I never said that” (that she was annoyed by me) and I was trying to help her to find spatial solutions, we arranged her a little desk area in her bedroom, she was really happy with it. Anyway, they were looking to buying a house with Shiva’s family’s money (Angela counted on that money a lot for that, pushing Shiva to be pushy with her family about it) and Shiva was spending her time to browse the internet to find something to buy. Several times they asked me if I had the intention of staying ‘forever’ with them and I answered to look for something for them both is priority, that I didn’t know where I would be tomorrow. I didn’t want to make such a decision and I wasn’t feeling like I would be there forever. We managed to get a visit to a chalet for sale in a village one hour away and went there all three of us. The chalet was not suitable for them so we decided to go back home. We had to wait a while at the little train station and I was quite nervous and restless, I was walking around and they were sitting on a bench. I sat down a few minutes next to Angela but I was simply being restless inside and she was annoyed by it. She told me to balance it or to watch my thoughts, but it wasn’t about my thoughts, I was simply nervous next to her, so she pushed me to go to connect with the trees nearby. I walked to the trees and they were both looking at me. Gosh how I hate expectations, it was like I was innerly refusing to do it. I was laughing nervously at them, I found this situation ridiculous. Plus I don’t like at all to be kept under surveillance like that, I was sabotaging my ‘connection’ with the trees because they were observing me, it was a forced action. Angela didn’t appreciate at all the laughing, neither that I didn’t follow her instructions in a serious way. She would push me to dismantle the ‘fear to be judged by others’ later on. That fear to be judged she rationalized in 5 minutes at home, stating that ‘others protect their fears anyway by judging others’ when she finished her speech she said “…so now that we dismantled that fear to be judged …” and I raised a brow, I told her “I am sorry Angela, but I don’t feel like this thing is dismantled just because you brought me a simple explanation about it.” Oh she wasn’t happy to hear that. She looked me straight in the eyes and seemed quite angry that I dared to say that. But it’s how I felt about it. If it was just about rationalizing our thoughts and ourselves wouldn’t there not be any fear and conditioning in the planet after 5 minutes of analyzing? I don’t think so, it seemed superficial to me. Do you say something to someone to rationalize them and then the deep rooted issue is gone, just like that? By rationalizing a thought we still stay stuck in some structure because it’s just the negation of an idea, but then we fight against the idea and fall into its opposite model. I do not know it didn’t sound right to me. u) “I Do Not Believe You” The day afterward, she pushed me to dismantle even more. She was pretty annoyed also that in the last few days I was spending my time in distractive games on my computer and so on. I started to ignore her more and more and just go into my distractions, anyway it’s what she was doing on Facebook and me not doing it was somehow fake to me. She pushed me and pushed me, trying to get something out, we were sitting outside on the terrace and I was looking at the trees in front of us. She asked me “What are you thinking about, tell me your thoughts, come on.” I waited a little while looking at the trees then I thought I didn’t believe her and I also thought it wouldn’t be a big deal to say it loud as she claims to be above judgments and so on. So I said innocently (these words were on my mind when I said it) ”I don’t believe you.” Oh she went crazy about it. I didn’t expect that. She went to say in anger something about that if so she had to pretend to be who she wasn’t or some nonsense like that just because I didn’t believe her (I still don’t get this point of view). She made a whole drama about it. I went inside and took my notebook to write my thoughts to dismantle them/ work on them since she pushed me to dismantle more if I wanted to stay there. She followed me after a few minutes and raging she asked me what I was doing, I told her and she read my notes. This is what I wrote: “I have to write my thoughts down and stalk my mind. Not an easy task as I am on autopilot, oh hey, I pretend it’s a bad habit, how convenient right? Let’s not be a dupe and question why I prefer my comfort zone” (=because I didn’t let her push it deep down my mind I was preferring my comfort zone). She looked really nervous/angry and couldn’t make sense of my notes, saying my thoughts were completely fucked up, spinning in circles. She was pushing me to dismantle which is what I was trying to do and she seemed to be angry that I was trying to do it. She approached me so near that day to dismantle, she was on me, in my personal space like if she wanted some confrontation, I was sitting in a corner on the couch, there was no escape. We talked a bit longer about my issues and discovered it might have been related to some issue in my childhood somehow but she was looking at me in the eyes very coldly and with anger very near me. I was looking back at her in the eyes and I was thinking “It is pretty clear that we spotted something right here, yet she is still so angry while we could have dismantled it from here, she has clearly no intention to do this, it’s not her aim at all, look how angry she is instead.” then I thought “I have all the tools I need to make this ‘work’ I don’t need her at all.” Then she said something like “…maybe you need to leave …” (I don’t remember if she asked to leave for a while or forever or if it wasn’t mentioned at all). There it was, it was like if I was waiting for such a signal I thought “Now. I have seen enough: I can go.” And I answered in a very calm, somehow tired voice “Yes, I guess I’ll do that (to leave).” She seemed relieved somehow and went outside. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and packed my bag after, I wanted to go home for real this time, no compromise or staying temporarily at a friend’s place. I was though starting to be angry at her and how she treated me while I was preparing my stuff and taking my shower. I guess I had enough of this behavior to be pushed so much until emotional collapse or to be picked on like she did so often. When I went out of the bathroom she came to tell me (still angry herself) that I should take my preparations and to call a friend to find a place to stay while I had already decided to take the train and had checked them on the internet. It angered me more at her to be told what to do like that while I already had made the decision and I responded that to her without taking gloves for it. It seemed like once my decision had been made there was no diplomacy needed no longer toward her; there was no longer hierarchy either. I was angry, I was angry, full stop, no need to come to push me even more or to boss me around! She went to sunbathe outside again. I was going to travel for 4 hours and had eaten nothing so I decided to make a little tomato-­‐mozzarella salad; it was the only option left. I started to eat it outside on the terrace and as she was sunbathing in the little garden she started to yell at me again. I was so angry, not even could she leave someone to eat in peace? I had to go outside of their property, walk away and find a calm spot out of sight just to eat my little salad. It was unbelievable such a situation. I was so angry eating my salad that I didn’t even enjoy it I was too nervous for that. I was thinking about filling a bucket of cold water and pouring it on her while she was sunbathing, then asking her if she finally found some balance. I really regretted for a few days that I didn’t do it, I was so upset inside that I did not just do it. Seriously. Or even to add the content of an ashtray on her head after the cold water. Gosh that would have been so fun to see her like that. A few days later I even hinted Shiva on chat to do it but unfortunately I don’t think she would ever do it… v) The Train, A New Perspective When I finished my salad I directly took all my luggage and went to the train. I didn’t care to have to wait, I didn’t even salute Angela , I simply murmured to Shiva to take care of herself. When I walked on that bridge to the station, the situation was very different than only 3 days before when I completely burst out in tears and was in panic; I wasn’t afraid at all. I simply didn’t give a shit any more, doing ‘the work’ with them was the least I cared about. It had no meaning to me anymore, I was determined. I found out at the train station that I forgot my phone in the house but I was so pissed I didn’t even want to go back there to pick it up. I was willing to leave it there; I just wanted to go away. Fortunately Shiva came and brought me the phone just before the train arrived. I told her good bye and she told me to get that tooth fixed and see you soon. I think she thought I would come back soon but I already had decided to not come back. In the train I finally realized after a few minutes all the mess that was there. My perspective completely changed. I cannot remember at all what all of a sudden made the switch in my brain, but the switch was definitely there from then on. There was that idea that what they were doing as ‘work’ was something good and to follow and I wanted to learn that thinking she knew what she was doing. It wasn’t. She didn’t know what she was doing, she was confused. I always had doubts about it, about her, but I still followed around, trying to understand. I tried too hard to understand her and got abused in the name of our friendship. How ironic was it a few months ago I tried to avoid abusive relationships (with her help! Which is even more ironic) since they were mostly abusive to me and I fell into the trap of an abusive friendship without even noticing. She convinced me so much with all of her speeches that I fell into it. I got abused each time I had to create an abstract ‘balance’. I felt inferior and guilty because I couldn’t understand how I could cause her headaches and could never verify some things she preached so in doubt I gave my power away to her in the name of those things. It was all abstract ideas conveyed verbally, while the ‘reality’ /actuality and the behaviors were so contradictory. Angela was totally confused and a hoax to herself. Plus she was dangerous. Not physically dangerous but for a mind she was dangerous and confusing; to herself, to Shiva and others she would try to teach. I was shocked. I never questioned their belief that they were ‘evolving faster and easier together’ before. I heard it so often from her mouth like if it was an obvious fact that I didn’t even question it. But it was a hoax. Their relationship wasn’t at all as perfect and ideal as Angela tried to make it seem on Facebook. It was completely misbalanced and unequal. Angela was being abusive toward Shiva and she was dragging her down because she was so confused in her ideas. All off a sudden I started to understand why Jess seemingly wanted to separate them. It wasn’t at all for a conspirationist reason like Angela thought; it was for the good of Shiva. For the good of them both actually: their relationship is based on fear. Quitting each other, even for a little while, they would finally have to face their own fears and see the illusion they live in. Angela needed consensus so much and she was brainwashing Shiva to believe in her, constantly, alienating and ‘absorbing‘ her, she was also using her to blame her discomfort on her (and on me when I was there). Also she was using Shiva for the money she had from her family so as to buy a house. Angela needs Shiva to believe her stories/lies/fake promises/threats and apologies. Without Shiva, Angela (this part of her identity) would have been nothing, all her world would have crumbled apart. And Shiva on her behalf, (oh how worried I was about her, it was hard to leave her behind like that, alone there, I felt guilty for that) she was completely blinded, unable to take a step away from the situation and realize how she was being used and abused. She only knew such a kind of life and my biggest hope was that since I was there and changed the dynamic and helped her so much around that she would start to realize she could be treated differently on a daily basis. And all those threats Angela was making about quitting her if she didn’t ‘do the work’? All bullshit, never would she have done it, it was part of their dynamic, putting Shiva in a position of fear to lose her and to make her work hard to keep her while actually it was her who was the one who had more potential. (Like the villain in the movie Tangled) It was pretty easy to bet that now that I was gone (me the threat), Angela would have become all lovely to her for a little while; to glue them together even more in their isolation (it is what Shiva told me on chat after a little while ‘Angela has changed blah’ and I was thinking ‘yeah Shiva wake up she had no other choice than that, else her game would have started to become far too obvious for everyone, especially you’). Actually, after all I had seen there, it was pretty easy for me to predict her next moves (I am not saying this in a pretentious way, it’s not about me being right (but more on this later too) it’s more about saying that she repeats constantly the same things even if she thinks/pretends having broken her patterns she still is circling around) and in the few months that followed she kept the same modus operandi mentality. I would even say that if she surprised me I was willing to assume she had ‘changed’ and broken some patterns but it wasn’t the case. It looked like that but became even worse than I thought, deeper into confusion. For months I thought this was due to her complete inability to put herself in question (denial), but let’s face it, I rather think now that it was an unwillingness to go deep into that field. She started to seek for spiritual solutions for months before to contact Jess and she did preset herself to attain enlightenment just like if it was a workshop or a video-­‐game where you have to learn and to ‘upgrade’ to the next level (which is not at all what ‘dismantling’ is about). Yet of course she ‘achieved’ it in her mind because it was there she was aiming to go, even if it’s a self-­‐ illusion. That might be why there was so much comparison with Jess: she wanted to become the version of spiritual-­‐Jessica that she discovered on the internet. (While during that time Jess was trying to destroy that spiritual jess idea of her that so many had.) I had to go through all of this until I came to this perspective. All I had experienced there, even if completely ridiculous sometimes or very confusing, was though interesting. I would even say that I learned a lot (about confusion) with this experience with Angela. I have to admit that I have had a weird fascination for such situations, such minds, to understand them. Indeed, with all my manipulative relationships, I used to stay for a little while, observing the guys I was with, trying to understand how they think or how their logic was until I just had it with the bullshit. And it seemed to always be the same scheme: me being inferior or needing to be taught something or to be ’saved’ by someone else then adapting to them and submitting to them as an authority figure, me being convinced by them that I needed their help absolutely and so on. And then, even if it sounded suspicious or if I had some doubts, I wouldn’t listen to those doubts and listen to them, that usually used to convince me in an extremely rational or logical way (= verbally) and then I would waste my time watching their actions until I understand the circles of circus they are reproducing around me and leave, on a ‘rational’ basis as well. And then I would be angry at myself because once again I didn’t listen to myself and that I really needed to pay attention to that, just like if I was disconnected from that part of me or actually denying it. But then… I didn’t even pay attention or questioned why I had to follow them, what was that force/drive that made me sink into such situations? Why did I need to follow others so much or why do I give so much credit to what is/people outside of me? It didn’t even cross my mind to think about those things. It was easier to analyze what I could see directly in front of my eyes; the mechanism of those relationships, the ‘personality’ of those persons and how they behave. Ironically though, that need to understand rationally and to verify some things was still there. I still had doubts about those abstract things she was talking about that I needed to verify them. Certainly it was to see if I was right or if it really was bullshit, like the fact that I gave her headaches so often just by thinking or being present next to her. I mean I felt so guilty and sorry for her about it, I mean I made huge efforts to ‘balance’ it, it was one of the things with what I let her pick on me and push me to an edge emotionally…. but what if it was also a hoax? How many other spiritual speakers are doing the same? w) My Talk with Jessica When I came back home, I took that necklace I bought from her off and I blocked her on Skype. I didn’t want to hear about her or interact with her anymore, I was sick off it. The day after, I saw a post on her facebook about drama; I couldn’t believe that she did all this drama about our argument yesterday and now she was saying it was others (me) that started drama. It was simply unbelievable. I still tried to understand her point of view and read her post but still it made no sense at all. Her posts made me more and more sick, especially since I had lived with her. I was though still under shock after this stay there, no one to talk about it with or to share about my experience. I was feeling like if I just came out of a hell and just like that back into normality with normal people that didn’t suspect one minute what I just gone through, thinking I was lazily having some vacation for 3 weeks… I contacted Jessica to know about these headache stories. I was still so confused, I needed to know if it was true, if there was really something tangible there, if she really was kind of ‘enlightened’ or if it really was some kind of self-­‐generated hallucinations and self-­‐
bullshit Angela had built up as a reality and used to rule us with. So on Skype Jessica explained to me how Angela would pick on others, so uncomfortable it was inside of her, or her need to judge and compare to others to feel better about herself. Uh huh. It’s funny when I re-­‐read this conversation, it occurs Jessica never met Angela and Shiva in real life yet she was so accurate of her behaviors, the dynamics they had and I was still so in shock it took me time to gather my thoughts about it. She also asked me a very pertinent question about Angela’s medication for her bipolar disorder, she thought she was still using them, yet it had been at least six months she didn’t for sure…actually what struck me then is that bipolar factor I didn’t even consider because Angela claimed so often she had healed it that I didn’t even question it either; it could explain pretty well all of her mood swings. Wow. Another myth that falls apart. Then we spent time talking about Shiva, we were both worried about her, even if Jess never met her in real life either she was worried, and to get her out of that abuse. I was hoping that my stay there made her realize she could be treated in a different way but abuse was all she had ever known. One thing I really was reluctant about when starting to write this article (besides exposing my confusion and darker side), was that ‘mirror’ thing (that I still don’t understand); I got told so much that others mirror me and whatsoever ‘mirror laws’ and so on that all this experience at Angela’s place was uncomfortable if I had come to realize I was like her. You know all those things that disturb us about others and that we don’t want to see in us...I was so angry at her that I wouldn’t have liked to see such things in me. It is true somehow we have some similarities I guess, like for example in the past I was an extreme believer when I was with that guru guy for example, I also was convinced to have a spiritual mission and to look for some supernatural stuff whatsoever. I also want to be right or look clever or have that need for attention or consensus. But what was specifically more uncomfortable was the abusive part of her. What if I was also abusive to others? That would be awful for me I think. I mean, when it is about me being abused, it is okay somehow; I can take it and I survived till now, that’s not a big deal… but making others suffer? I don’t want that of course. And yet there is something wrong I never even considered: why was it so okay, so unimportant when it is me who suffers? Look at me being preoccupied by other’s abuse, but not at my own abuse or self-­‐abuse, and this is how the trap works and we end up being even more abused. When it comes to abuse, accepting apologies and attempting to start over, even compassion is not a good idea because it just ends up roping you back into the abuse. I had learned the hard way of this. After that I did not go back to Angela’s and I started to work with Jessica and Diego to understand my mind, confusion abuse and patterns that leads us into such situations again and again. It was such a relief working with them, they never played any tricky games with me or tried to make themselves seem like they were something they were not. They were so helpful in getting me to understand so many things and really were a lifeline for me to pick up the pieces of my life and recover from such an event. -­‐-­‐to be continued-­‐-­‐ (I am so grateful to Pam for writing this and letting me share this on my blog. When I was given this blog I could tell that it was incomplete and when I asked her about that she confirmed this to me. There was more but she was not able to have it done in time so I told her I can share it in my next blog. As I like the idea of the blog within the blog, of paralleling complimenting experiences and understandings.) Chapter: 13 Afterthoughts As you can see the disaster that comes from living with a person who makes a belief more important than their own mind. It was devastating for everyone in that house and this is just a micro example, just one case out of the millions of galaxies of abuse. It’s imperative to realize that this is happening to everyone in every house, school, job, relationship, beliefs, institution, system, our own mind etc, in one way or another, some experiences are more extreme than others. There is always a tyrant who pushes their ideals in an aggressive way or a passive way, it’s two sides to the same coin because neither one equals any understanding or actual communication. Then there are the causalities, in this case Shiva and Pamy. As you read this blog see if you can detect this going on in your life with the people around you as this is a classic pattern that is everywhere. Observe it, understand it, the more familiar we are with it the more we can dismantle it, but it does take time. It’s a good thing that Angela did not become big and have many followers, I can just imagine the mess she would do. But the reality is there are many people like Angela who have many followers and doing a great deal of harm and confusion such as Teal Swan and many other cult leaders. Shiva ended up becoming submissive and afraid to speak, even getting used to such an abusive environment of constant confusion. Perhaps she tells herself that this is her soul mate so they are meant to be together and make it work, or that she was lucky to have found her soulmate while many are still looking, especially someone so advanced that can make her advanced too. She may even be convinced that she cannot survive on her own. This is a typical abusive relationship approach. Whereas Pamy stayed in name of friendship, or caring, Angela and Shiva were her friends and this is how it is when you or they care. Angela convinces Shiva she is doing a favor for her and trying to help her so she should feel lucky and grateful. Angela knows more than her. She has abilities and Pamy and Shiva do not, therefore if they want to live with Angela or be able to keep up they must do as Angela says or else (the stick and the carrot). Pamy struggled between trying to obey Angela so as to have peace in the house and wanting to speak up and have Angela question her ideas/ideals. Angela helped to recover from her last abusive relationship only for Pamy to find she was now being abused by Angela. We see this today with the people feeling like they need protection from the police from their system they created, protection from their own mind. Pamy tried to appease Angela but their was nothing that could be said or done to make things any better. Rather, it was just one thing after another, which made it more and more hard until it became more unbearable but also made the patterns more clear. This is why Diego told Pamy to stay in the cage (temporarily) until she understood it; when she understood it she could be able to know how to exit physically and then eventually the psychological cage. Of course if it is severe abuse one should leave right away and understand the cage from afar, but this requires a very attentive mind to see, observe, and dismantle from afar. The thing about the severe abusive situations that people find themselves in is if they do leave they often end up going back in this state. It’s also challenging to understand the cage as one is too distracted swinging back and forth. We can also see how we mistake being confused with consciousness and even progress as if we are growing and becoming a better person getting further along the path. A confused person needs to have confirmation and more answers and Diego knew this set up well and refused to give any answers to Angela. Thus she made us into her enemy as we would not play her game, so we were useless to her, so she made us into something evil and against her. Clearly this was her conditioning thinking for her, she definitely was not born this way. How could it go so wrong? I wished Shiva would have seen Angela’s game and left when Pamy did. I still wish that one day Shiva will have the courage to leave Angela. Last I heard they had bought a house with Shiva’s money and so now were even more tethered together in such a commitment. I was really devastated after all that went down with Katherine and Angela. It made me almost not want to do the EOF project anymore. It felt hopeless and I was just so discouraged with what had happened with these former pioneers. For Diego, he was used to it, such things had happened all his life with people whenever he tried to get them to understand. I felt sad and impressed that Diego was able to handle this for so long. I was not so sure about myself if I could do the same. Could I get used to this? Plus I did not think I was a very good example or that I could even represent the project or even if I ever could. It felt like a daunting task that was way over my head, I had bitten off more than I could chew. I wanted so bad to fix everything. I used to be so good at fixing things with words, this was my motivation to find the best way to say things so to have a common ground, but now I knew it was only temporary and that the catch was you had to be willing to feed one’s beliefs/delusions which I had seen first hand the damage that can do. Even a small amount was too much. I just wanted to undo all the damage that was done but there was nothing else I could do or even Diego. It’s incredible how people are willing to cling to their own beliefs/illusions rather than considering their own sanity or even other’s sanity. We can only take a person so far; it’s up to them where they want to go with it. But this was the dreaded transfer Diego was talking about that is known as a psychologist’s worst nightmare. When people who you think are doing so well and getting it, then they suddenly start to freak out and turn on you, making you into their enemy. We can see this all the time in our world today, people taking out their confusion and anger on the ones closest to them, partners and kids end up being punching bags or belief containers, receptacles, dispensers. Why do we do this? Diego had told me I would have to get used to this if we were to do this project as it is going to happen a lot more. It’s just incredible how much people fight peace and psychological clarity, it boggles and fuels and intrigues my mind at the same time. I really appreciated also that Diego did not blame me for what happened, he just wanted me to see first hand what happens, how twisted and insane beliefs and ideals can make a person and give me a bit of an insight into his world, what it’s like for him. When before I was so convinced everything was so easy and perfect for him, that he did not suffer, it was not true–he did suffer, but he happened to understand suffering so that it could not eat away and decay his psyche while facing and living in reality sober. “I am not playing around here,” he said, “this is no joke or entertainment, this is our lives our minds that people are gambling with and they put it on the bottom of their priority list every chance they get.” I was starting to understand but I still had such a long way to go, and just because I understood more of what the project was about that I had gotten myself into and how intense it was it did not make me feel any better. Though it did get my wheels turning to think more about my approach and content on how I was representing or misrepresenting the project. How people were interpreting the project versus how I thought they were seeing it. How can I get others to possibly understand? It was around this time that I decided to work on my second Bali blog, preparing myself to explain more in depth behind the scenes of our lives and how it all started. I really wanted people to see and understand how much I had changed, I wanted people to not see me through this picture they had created of me. For this reason I would speak out more rather than bite my tongue or hold back like I used to, because that is what good loving kind girls do is what I thought but now I knew it could not be further from the truth. I would also use facebook to practice expressing and explaining conditioning and how it worked. It was really important for people to be aware of these things and where they lead to, there are so many blank blind spots in the way that need to be filled in. However I would become strict with anyone who was promoting new age and religion on my wall. I was filtering out people constantly, the ones who were willing to understand I did not want to risk them becoming more confused like Pamy experienced in the EOF facebook group that it seemed none of the members even understood the project. I cannot tell you how discouraging this project is most of the time but when we find someone who wants to understand and can understand it’s like a precious seed/evolution /EOF Pioneer like Pamy and it means the world to us, it makes all our work and all the discouragement worth it. -­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐-­‐ (The second half of this blog is about the inner reality series the internal aspect of The EOF project, as written as if were able to put cameras in my brain in every angle and room to show the dismantling process, as the EOF project is myself to and my own personal journey and perception. Diego was not kidding when he said I always was pregnant, I was pregnant with the EOF and my return to psychological adventures in understanding and to liberation and joy of thinking.) Chapter 14 Follow the Black Rabbit With all this discouragement of the above events I felt pretty down and whenever I felt this way, which was often I would just go to the bathroom for comfort and reflecting because it was there where my furry friend/guru lived. Every time I entered she would lick my feet perhaps in anticipation of the carrot or treat I would have for her. In my last blog I did not get to talk much about the new member of our family. If Diego were a bunny he would look like her. Black, fluffy, she even has the black spikey hair, she is also super peaceful and just wonderful to watch, sigh I just adore her. Our little baby black bunny she brought so much clarity wisdom and humor in my life just by being her especially when I felt sad, I do not know what I would have done with out her. Animals are just so wonderful like that, their innocence and all the things you can learn from them. I did not know how long we would be in Bali but I wanted an animal companion with us. I was pretty bummed about not being able to visit my monkey friends anymore at Wolf/Shacha Stones place. I missed those monkeys so much, Diego is not so keen on monkeys especially Sachas monkeys as monkeys are most confused to him. (At least I made 2 videos with them that can be found on my youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlokEwkhM5I , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Vplc3v3dGo yes I am confused in these video. I knew I had to cut all ties with Sacha. I actually managed to not run into him for some time, which is not easy to do in a small town like Ubud. Diego did run into him one time in the market, Sacha was with a new girl (of course) and when he saw Diego he got nervous and tried to conceal his girlfriend because he was scared to lose this girl to Diego as well, which I found that pretty funny.) Anyway Diego did not want a dog or a cat because they were too much work and would be a big deal if we had to up and leave them so I decided a rabbit would be a nice friend to have especially since Diego always had them in his pictures. Like the one where he had written that enlightenment is just an idea and then there are all these indian gurus doing strange stuff to reach this state and in the other half of the picture was a rabbit surrounded by million carrots. Or another picture of spiritual speakers to spot, one was an intense freaky fanatical Christian, or ascended masters/gurus or a sweet little rabbit that channels the galactic federation of carrots. Here are the photos I am referring to. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151430680353627&set=a.1015068973
6503627.454223.502938626&type=3&theater https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201180236455480&set=a.1020107455
1253416.1073741827.1457409838&type=3&theater https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151437087808627&set=a.1015068973
6503627.454223.502938626&type=3&theater I also really wanted an animal as I wanted something to cuddle, since Diego’s personality was like a cat, when you want to hold them, or want them to do something, they do their own thing, when your doing your own thing then suddenly the cat suddenly shows up. I find this funny cause Diego prefers dogs to cats, but he is so much like a cat in personality; where as I prefer cats to dogs, but my personality is like a dog, keen to be interested in what ever others are doing, and ready to join in, as they like to be a part of everything you do. The first year that Diego lived in Bali he had living all together in his house a white very fragile albino rabbit, 2 cats, a chicken and a huge bat. He got the bat when he went into town and saw it in a tiny cage that the poor thing could barely move or switch itself to be in its natural position, which is upside down. Diego was so upset that the Balinese guy did not even consider this and let it be upside down so he decided to purchase the bat. He brought it home and let it free in his house and it flew up to one of the beams near the ceiling and hung upside down. The bat ate mainly papaya and banana and was very sensitive to certain music that Diego played, how it affected the bat, in ways that really bothered the bat when Diego realized this he was attentive to every song he played and if it bothered the bat or not. The cats knew not to mess with the bat because it had sharp hooks at the end of its wings, so they kept their distance. The bat was not scared of the cats or the rabbit but it was for some reason terrified of the chicken so much so that when the chicken was in the same room as it the bat would refuse to go down to poo or pee, which was the only time the bat would not be upside down; instead the bat would just shake and pee on its face. People think bats are such scary creatures but they are incredible sensitive and wonderful. Diego had the bat for a year until one day it just up and flew out the window and did not come back. His white rabbit did not live long it was super fragile and died after it got wet. So when I brought her home, he was concerned that this rabbit would be as fragile as his white rabbit was, thankfully that was not the case. We both adored her right away and we both agreed the bathroom was the best place for her to live. Diego would tell me how spry she was in the mornings (he always wakes up earlier then me) how she would hop in funny ways as if she was exploring her mobility/agility and developing her own way to play. She also liked to stomp or thump like Thumper in the movie Bambi. Sometimes I would see her playing with large stones by moving them around with her front paws or kicking it around with her hind legs. Other times she would act like a dog when we opened the door she would even spin in circles like a dog does as well. She loved to dig in the mud in the bathroom and lay in it to keep cool when the sun picked on her because she always wore her black fur coat; she had no problem getting dirty as well. I remember when I first thought the rabbit was a boy, her private regions were too fluffy for me to be able to tell and she seemed to be offended when I tried to check. It was shortly after my mother left; I asked Diego “if he liked the name Gulliver that Eo had selected for the rabbit?” He said, “he did not like the name it did not suite the rabbit somehow.” Then I said, “I’m not so sure if its even a boy and I can not check so what do you think?” Yeah I do not think it’s a boy either, he said, I’m pretty sure it’s a girl.” “Yes I suspected so to but I just was not sure thank you for confirming that Diego. So now then what should we call her?” I asked. “How about Ghonjabahr?” he suggested “ What the heck kind of name is that?” I queried “Its unique I can not stand cliché names. Its what she is or rather where she is from.” “And what does the name mean? Actually, no never mind, It does not matter. Its not important to me to know because, I know that is what you will ask me, as if I am going to make it into a belief or something. But I will have you know I have already imagined her coming from a rabbit planet I guess I can call it planet Ghonjabahr where rabbits can live peacefully free to be able to jump as high as they want to the point one would think they are flying and where carrots grow as big as trees. (I later would make a painting of this depiction that I will talk about later the painting can be seen on my facebook) I at first did not like the name because I thought people would hear it and think of ganja weed like we are promoting that stuff like we smoke it but we do not at all, both Diego and I do not like weed at all. Ghonjabahr is a strange name but it kind of suites her.” But for short I ended up calling her all sorts of nicknames such as Ghonjies, Goji berry, or Mrs. Goje and sometimes carrot breath. Diego at first was nervous that she would be very fragile but Mrs. Goje was definitely not fragile and though she did not care for water much it did not affect her at all, she was very strong, intelligent and fast like some kind of a super rabbit. One night I woke up in the middle of the night when I heard a splashing and I immediately went down stairs to investigate only to find little Ghonjies in the toilet splashing about trying to jump out but she was not able to. I rescued her from the toilet and from then on tried to remind Diego and myself that when we used the toilet to put the lid down so little Ghonjies would not fall in again. But Diego said, “she would be fine she understands now and will not fall in the toilet again,” and sure enough he was right and she never did do it again. Ghonjabhar did not mind living in the bathroom it was big and was half jungle. It was also very secure so that she could not get out and no creature could get in to eat her. She had some small trees, dirt and stones. She had shelter and shade from the rain and sunshine the bathroom was a much better place for her then a small cramped cage which is where most rabbits and other animals were forced to live their whole life, to the Balinese all animals are decoration and something to sacrifice. In Bali animals are kept in tiny cages, the animals can barley even move around in. I saw this with rabbits sometimes 20 squished into one small cage. But for us we wanted our rabbit to be able to be free to roam around the house with us, so when we worked upstairs I brought her up with me, where I could cuddle her on the bed. I thought I could help her to get used to being on the bed so she would chose to hang out there but she rarely did every chance she got she would hop off the bed and explore the upstairs room we often lived in the most, and she was too small to go down the stairs. The first thing I learned about having a rabbit in the main room is keep all cords out of her reach of course I learned this the hard. She chewed my headset and mac cord until Diego MacGiuver’ed a way to suspend all wires in the air or higher up the walls so she could not get to it but she sure did try. She loved to be under the bed the most and would often lay just in the center so it was very challenging to reach her or catch her because she was very fast and I think she made into a game to catch her. I could not catch her so I would ask Diego to catch her for me. I laughed so much at how she would outsmart him and how Diego had to be creative with catching her. Often because under the bed was so dirty and dusty Gonjies would come out covered in dust bunnies, which always made me laugh. She would not take food when she suspected it was time for her to go back into the bathroom either, she could always sense what was up and was often many steps ahead of us. This helped us to evolve to keep up with her but she was always full of surprises. Evening was movie times for us we would sit on the bed with our snacks and beer and wine and I decided I wanted to have her with us for movie time to cuddle. Any desks she made it up on, she would knock everything off then lay down. She knew we did not like that so afterwards she would only do it when she was upset with us or in a bad mood. She enjoyed helping herself to our snacks and Diego even gave her samples of wine and beer which she also enjoyed; and all was going fine until one night while Diego was holding her she just up and peed on him lol. The next night she peed on me, perhaps she wanted to show she cared for us equally, its about balance after all, one must share the pee wealth, rabbit logic. I am not sure what it is but I do enjoy thinking how she sees things and why she does what she does. It reminds me of one of my silly sayings I invent when I spend too much time with animals Gonjies does Gonjie things for Gonjie reasons, which are mysteries to us but fun to figure out or imagine what they may be. One of my theories Is that because I did not give her pizza one night, she knows when pizza is in the house and feels like she is entitled to some Ghonjie tax of our pizza when I did not give her her share one night was when the peeing started. If she even sees/smells pizza she goes crazy there is no way I can keep her from the pizza. I can close the box but that will not stop her, she will do everything she can to open the box; be it by flipping it off the bed or scratching or tearing/biting a hole into the box, and when she gets to the pizza and if I try to take it from her mouth while she is eating it she will do some kind of cute growl at me.. I know she is trying to be tough but it was just too funny. After that when I had her upstairs with us while we worked and I brought her up on the bed she had developed the habit of peeing on the bed every time. Rabbit pee is very subtle its not at all as bad as cat or dog pee, so if you added a bit of water the bed was fine there was no real odor either which is nice. I tried to think of solutions of what I could do perhaps she needed a diaper, or I could spray with tee tree oil where-­‐ever she went and maybe put a bit on her nose for her to get the idea to pee somewhere else. (I usually have to hide the tee tree oil and tiger balm because Diego for some reason is addicted to it but also allergic to them but that does not stop him from rubbing it over his face and hands every chance he gets.) Another solution I had was to encourage Ghonjies that if she must pee on the bed, then perhaps I could convince her to just do it on Diego’s side of the bed lol. If she chose to pee on my side of the bed I would flip the mattress and blankets to make it so the pee was on Diego’s side of the bed while Diego would wait for me to leave the room and switch the mattress and blankets for the pee side to be on my side. So it was hard to distinguish who had the pee side after a while. Why did Diego always have to foil my so seeming clever ideas. When I asked Diego about her peeing and how to fix it he said, “it was a phase that she would grow out of, just watch her when she came on the bed and nudge her off every time so she knows she is not allowed to come on the bed if she is going to pee,” and sure enough after doing that for a bit the next time she went on the bed she no longer peed. This was something I was glad Diego was right about. I remember how Gonji would become more bold discovering more of what she was capable of, her trial and error jumps figuring how to jump on and off the bed or onto the desk and over obstacles. She got to a point that she would hop up on the bed for kisses snacks and cuddles then she would try to hop over to jump on Diego’s lap while he was writing but she miscalculated and ended up hitting her head. We tried to discourage her from going on desks because we would purposely knock everything off, it seemed to be another game of hers. I also discovered that the mysterious claw marks in the bed that I felt I would not be surprised where something that Diego did were actually Ghonjies handy work. (So much for the idea that Diego turned into a wolverine in the night and ripped up the sheets. The people who think Diego is a demon or a reptilian will be disappointed to hear this. There is always a rational thing to explain these things but we for some reason prefer to entertain ideas of irrational and fantasy based stories. I wondered how many other things like that I would find I did with Diego, myself and life in general that generate and create beliefs and ideals to compare and feel less then or that I need to search from some key I’m missing. More on this later in this blog called clearing the air on Diego’s abilities) Ghonjies was getting older and wanted to explore more, she was not able to master the steps yet as they were very steep but that would not stop her from practicing. I started to bring her outside in the front yard as well but I had to monitor her because the walls were very low on one half of the yard where the pond was. We were always nervous that she would figure out the low walls and just hop over and get lost in the jungle never to see her again. So I tried to get her used to being on just one side of the yard which at first she did not mind. She was just glad to be outside free to eat grass, clovers and flowers I am sure if she came across a 4 leaf clover she would not care she would eat it just the same, ah a life with out meanings values, ideas and superstition. Diego would dress her in wild flower, even little flower hats and leaves to many it would be considered so romantic and such fantasy but to her was just more treat to eat. Frangipanis and hibiscus flowers always rained down and covered the yard from the trees above, painted the ground in red pink and white and little Ghonji enjoying eating this romantic fairy tale magical beauty sight/site all up. . Insects or spiders did not bother her either, they did not bother her like they bother so many people, and this as well I found so refreshing about her. When it started to rain but she was not done eating grass and flowers I would get a giant umbrella and hold it over her so where ever she ate she would not get wet because she did not like water that much. And I would think sigh my little girl is growing up. I could watch her for hours and not get bored at all. I also really enjoyed watching Diego with her and his little tender smile with his dimples that he often had when he looked at her it made me feel like we were proud parents and how I imagine must feel the first time their partner looks at their baby. One time I said to Diego, “isn’t she beautiful?” “No, he said, she is beauty itself.” Another time when Diego was being attacked by a bunch of stupid people in facebook I overheard him talking to the rabbit saying, “oh rabbit how I wish I could do your life.” This comment broke my heart, sometimes I to wished I could have a rabbits life instead to, rather then having to live with confused humans who make a mess out of everything destroying the land so the peaceful creatures had nowhere to live but in tiny cages. We spoiled her to, what ever we ate she was welcome to have some to, aside from drinking alcohol she had juice, even vodka, pop, pizza, hamburger, french fries, potato chips, cookies, crackers, rice, candies, what ever we did not finish when we went out to eat I brought back for her. She ate pretty much everything, only thing she did not like was mushrooms, onions and garlic, and of course I never gave her chocolate as I know it often poisonous to animals. When she ate strawberries it made her look like she was wearing lipstick that brought me so much joy how she just did not care. I liked how she did not care about all the things we care about and I tried to challenge myself to imagine funny scenarios like her wearing a red thong, trying to be sexy like humans try for, and how stupid that would look and pointless to her she most likely would even try to eat it, and here we are struggling with these thoughts and trying to do all these out there things so as to be seen a certain way. I loved how simple her life was and yet so wise. It was interesting discovering and experiencing a rabbits psychology. I really enjoyed finding new things for her to try, different exotic fruits and vegetables, breads, noodles, cakes, you name it she tried it. And for some very mysterious reason she got fat/phat.? Many think a rabbit is a vegetarian but they are not, they are omnivores. And they have no shame about this, there is no fear or concern that this will give them a low vibration or something absurd like that. One time when Diego was given a baby bird to look after that was found by our neighbor we left it in the bathroom in a bowl wrapped in a towel and went out for the day, the bird was very weak and we did not suspect it would make it. When we got back that evening Diego told me that Ghonji had eaten the bird and had left only its head. I was really surprised and shocked, I had no idea that rabbits do that, I have never heard of anything like that before. I was also relieved that I did not see that sight. Our neighbor would joke with us that she was afraid to leave her fat cats with us because our rabbit would probably eat them. She definitely was not your typical rabbit. One day in the bathroom Diego said, “have you noticed what is going on in the bathroom? I was not sure what he was talking about. The little tree in the bathroom did you notice it?” “Yes its cut but I am not sure why, I thought maybe you or the cleaning lady did it.” “No he said, the plant cut itself, I have seen it do it before this kind of plant.” “Ah that’s interesting, and do you see Diego how Ghonji likes to be near that plant like its her friend or they talk or something?” “Yes, I have noticed that also that the plants cut edges are lighten up as if there is a light inside it.” “Yeah I have, its so curious.” I said. “Its intelligence one day it will walk, it’s striving to evolve for this. Diego remarked. I watched how Ghonji would be when it came to this plant even when she thought we suspected something she would dig in the mud to try to bury and hide the lights of the plant, as if to say “no we are not up to anything go on carry on with your life.” I loved how she was never bored she was always up to something. a) Alone Does Not Have to Mean Being Lonely Mrs. Goge also helped me with my loneliness, as I felt so lost and lonely in Bali, this small island cut off from the world. (side note-­‐ the show ‘Lost’ is said to take place in Bali) it was just her and I. There was no one I could really talk to that I felt comfortable with. Gonji did not seem to be bothered by loneliness, to her she may have thought she was the only rabbit in the world, or perhaps she thought I was some sort of a rabbit to? After all we sure both enjoyed a good carrot. Diego never wanted to quell my loneliness or be the reason to remedy it if anything he contributed to increasing my feeling loneliness as much as he could, because he knew if he tried to take it away it would be temporary and would come back later on. I do not think he did this on purpose to test me or to be superior or any of that, if you live with Diego or know him personally, he will often be on his own, rarely will he spend time with you maybe for a few hours then he will spend the rest of his time on his own. So it often felt as if I myself was on that lost island with nothing but my mind to figure out and understand the very mechanics of loneliness; why so many who are surrounded by people and are even married to wonderful partners still feel lonely? Being around people are not going to fix or stop loneliness, people can even make the loneliness worse. I really wanted to understand why this is as well. I had spent most of my life single and rarely felt lonely but I always felt lonely when in a relationship. This did make me wonder why the many fear loneliness, is such a fear natural? Does a planet feel lonely? Or does it know that loneness is just a disjointed concept? How can it feel lonely when it’s having a relationship with all the life inside and on it? Loneliness comes from the conditioned mind, on how we should react to life, especially when it comes to others reaction and expectations. Loneliness can be potent when mixed with depression, especially when we have a misunderstood idea of loneliness and depression. It can even come from our rebelling saying to our selves; I do not want to understand so I will just be lonely forever, because this happened to me I should, I deserve to be lonely. So we convince ourselves of these things creating stories and illusions about loneliness while fighting to avoid the inevitable feeling that always comes back no matter what we do, yet haunted by the realization we were not lonely when we were kids. Where did this feeling come from? Loneliness is a thought it is not thinking, the difference between the two thoughts is a box and inside a box, thinking is not confined to any box and so if we want to get out of the box we must understand loneliness to understand loneliness is also to understand the mind, and all the confusion tricks and traps the mind plays. We need to understand why we are so afraid to be alone especially when the description is not the described. If we were ok being alone when we were kids surely we can do it again? We are told humans are social animals and it is not natural for us to be alone but I do not think this is true for it is in being alone, fully ok with it, that we cultivate our psychological privacy meaning to not be infiltrated or influenced by others beliefs and ideals so as to end up being manipulated exploited and abused by this world we are living in. The more we avoid being alone confusing it with the fear to be lonely the more of a mess and traps we fall into and the more our best friend that is our imagination turns on us taking the form of beliefs and illusions of absurdity in which we lose ourselves in. Why are we so afraid to be alone? Why do we confuse loneliness with being alone? Our imagination brings about our ability to play to be flexible of exploring our mind when we take it so seriously making it into a belief it makes us mentally unstable and brings about a dangerous kind of schizophrenia but when we are kids and we can see a stone as a space ship or have imaginary friends this is a kind of a natural schizophrenia we do not turn into a belief system, we have no need to because we can see the boxes that is puts our mind in and that creates boredom. Imaginary friends do not create fear when we are kids nor are their ultimatums like we tend to do with our ideas of god. I was so upset with Diego for doing this to me, it felt like he was purposely avoiding and ignoring me and turns out he was. So he could recreate the lost island scenario but in my psyche, so I could once again have this treasure of my mind to think and understand which he calls the only pleasure that does not ask for more pleasure. It was as if Diego was showing/encouraging/facilitating me how to live psychologically alone with in myself not for just a moment or a day but for a life time, much like that saying give a man to fish they eat for a day teach them to fish they eat for life. So tell a person what to think they can only live psychologically peacefully temporary help them to understand how to think and why we do not think then the person will be able to understand and live in psychological peace for life be it alone or with others to never to be or feel lonely or at least not struggle or be a victim of it. Diego did not want to distract me from this task, so many put it off and he provided all the time and space I needed to just think about it. Knowing that I would in time understand and so no matter what happens in the future I would have this psychological serenity and understanding in that my ego could not longer become confused or compromised or maybe at least the stress and struggle would be greatly decreased. I have to clarify what is meant by ego here, it’s not what we have been taught to think. There are so many words we think we know that we actually do not know; we do not know what we are saying with the words we use nor do we question the biasness of it all; such as this war especially in the new age with the word ‘ego.’ Most information on how to handle the ego is to suppress, control, fight or kill the ego as if it’s a bad thing or our enemy. The origin of the word ego or ‘I’ comes from latin and it means needle, the needle of the compass that one needs so as to self orient, the orientation of themselves. (Like the compass in the Myth of Fear series.) If the compass of the needle is not functioning right/confused we are lost, fighting, repressing, and killing the ego makes us even more into a zombie of our beliefs. We cling to them because we are so sure that our beliefs will set us free but instead it only ends up enslaves us more. It is quit surreal how backwards and twisted everything has become, no wonder we are so confused. Diego wanted me to be an alien, in which the more psychologically alone I could be the more I could observe and see my conditionings for what they really are. I would then be able to see that I am not my thoughts, my memories, feelings, past, my experience, knowledge actions or anything like that, nor would I then feel the need to take everything personally, identifying with everything getting lost in stories pictures and illusions about the self. I could then be freer to be an observer of myself, or a detective, or a scientist not stuck or blinded by conditionings. But able to see all the patterns to observe our mind, our life, our world, and all the people in it, with objectivity, that brings clarity, precision, and perception. (Just like Mrs. Goje is able to do.) After all if we do not know what our confusion is or how it works then how can we ever expect to see it or understand it? It’s like driving a car with our eyes closed then we wonder why we crash? Which made me wonder why are we so afraid to be alone? Why do we not want to open our eyes to this, especially if that is the reason why we crash to begin with? Why do we make that such a taboo and terrible thing to fight, distract, avoid, and manipulate others at all costs just to escape being lonely, which seems to always be to no avail and futile? Does this fear to be alone come from us our natural state or is it yet again another deep seeded conditioning? If we think about it, to be alone seems to be natural, we are born alone, even if we are born as twins sharing a womb the mind and perception is not the same, like no two trees or pieces of fruit, leaves, flowers, are the same. When we sleep we are totally alone as well as no one can sleep for us, we have to do it on our own, even if we project others with us via dreams we are still technically alone creating our own stories so as to give the mind a break and a chance to release all the repression it endures in waking life. Of course we can not trust our dreams as how we decode them when we wake up with our linear mind it is often not at all accurate to what we actually saw or experienced in non linearity where meanings are all relative. Our whole life we mostly spend alone as well, no one else can live inside our head, and experience things exactly as we do. When my mom reads my blogs and I talk about the past events she experienced with me, she interpreted that invent in a different way then me. When we get involved with a partner we are not alone either as misunderstandings and fights come from different minds projecting different contradictory things encouraging illusions such as the need to have a power struggle, and users and abusers, or they can share the same illusions, but that also only goes so far and is short lived before reality and the battle of the minds set in yet again. If the relationship is more harmonious it comes from each being free to have their own mind and not imposing ideals or expectations on each otherwise guilt and resentment for each other will soon loom up. As Diego put it to me, “It's all right to have the desire to 'feel at home,’ a 'sense of home;’ but one should not forget that the first 'home' is our psyche. That it’s possible to be clear, rational and intelligent, otherwise whatever 'home' we may find, we miss, or we cling to, or we invent, or buy, borrow or steal. It becomes and will be nothing but an irrational illusion sooner or later if this is not taken into account first and for most.” This got me thinking about how when we feel uncomfortable or uneasy with people we force ourselves to be with thus ignoring our inner compass ‘self-­‐orientation.’ We fear if we do not hang out with others then we will be seen as a lonely looser, so even if we are on our own and we are comfortable being alone, we are convinced its not a good thing that there is something wrong with you so once again we force ourselves to interact which ends up making us fake and leading to all sorts of destructive addictions. But if we were able to be attentive to our inner compass we would know this thought is erroneous and could then perceive the frustration and problems that would come about if we continue to entertain such thoughts. No religion, no god, can take away our aloneness either, it can only replace our relationship with ourselves with this fear/fake relationship of not being good enough and so on which then often always leads to loneliness but with a carrot dangling at the end of a string indicating to us that if we can be really good we will be with this god and never be lonely again but this idea, this belief came from fear and loneliness thus it can only equal more of that not less. We are the only ones who have to live with ourselves 24/7 there is really no escape at the end of the day there we are, there is our mind. No matter where we travel to in the world our mind comes with us. Its so easy to want to run and hide from ourselves to be sick of ourselves to want to escape into other worlds other peoples ideas and solutions rather then understanding why our inner world is so dysfunctional to begin with. To the point that we can not even stand ourselves but expect others to stand us, so we live in the fear that the person will be as sick of us as we are of ourselves. Only thing is others can leave us, but we can not, which is why all the effort is put into other identities and being fake a new you or some material new, and always new news. (Of course Mrs. Goje does not care or struggle about these things either, she is not infected in illusions like we are.) When we die even if others are present or die with us we still die alone no one has the same journey though we like to convince ourselves we do, with ideals and stories from NDE (Near Death Experience) in which everyone interprets that they all see the same thing. Such as the dark light tunnel with a light at the end, to heaven and so on; We do not think that perhaps it is not that at all, that perhaps it’s the linear minds interpretation yet again and maybe what it actually is, is something totally different. But the mind likes to comfort us with these ideas of the familiar; especially when dealing with the unknown, so we stick and hold on to that like glue and spread it to others consciously or unconsciously in a highly contagious way. So that even if a person does not believe in heaven if they have an NDE and see the same as everyone else, they will be convinced and convert their faith, only to be lost in a limbo of misty beliefs that lead to nothingness. So there is no escaping the fact and reality of our aloneness we are always alone yet we try to pretend we are not and distract ourselves and every cost trying to strive for immortality, or other dimensions, so as to carrying our ideas and illusions to where we go when we die which is not suggested unless one wants another limbo. Life is just a passage, we are all here temporary for an experience we do not have to get lost in and become the experience. So if there is no escaping being alone, and denying it does not work nor does fighting can we not sit down and understand this intense psychological fear and where it came from? We think being alone and lonely is the same thing they are not. Being alone is natural ‘al-­‐one or all one’ in our psyche, but being alone does not have to mean being lonely, think about these things, so you do not have to suffer as much with these things. b) Something and Nothing With the fear to be alone also comes the fear to be nothing why is that so scary and so bad? In being homeless I felt in having nothing I had everything, could being nothing be the same? It is a kind of liberation to not have to try to fit in any boxes, ideas, or identities, anymore. We are no longer struggling forever with being something while fighting the nothing. (I never seen Mrs. Goje do this either, she has no problem being nothing.) What’s really something is how much it’s ingrained in our brain to be something. All the ideas of something that contradict and do battle with others ideas of something, but is really all nothing. And now here we stand in the mists of something. In the throws of something all masked and clothes as everything but what that something actually is…. which is nothing also known to us as fear. They say be something or else you will be nothing, and that is scary something we should fear. As kids we do not care to be something it does not cross our mind in a natural way it comes from the pressure of our family and world always asking us what do you want to be when your older? Which is really you must be something you cannot be nothing you have to choose. With that comes the detection of what is behind that question which is the fear your parents and you must have if your nothing or if you choose to be nothing or do not work hard enough to avoid being nothing, then you will not be loved or accepted, you will become a looser. But this is a form of terrorism ‘follow god/ become spiritual or you will be a bad person with no mission and thus be a nothing.’ ‘Go to school or you will be a no one, get a job or you will starve and be a homeless nothing.’ All of this is fear if you do not do something you do not want to do, if you do not force and convince yourself then something bad will happen. And that bad thing is often nothing; there is a fear to not fit into the known of these things thus living as a lonely nothing. Oh the fear the fear to be nothing is painful and scary but why? Why are we so scared that we play, act, and reenact, reacting to such pain of ideas to be nothing? Isn’t nothing where we are all going sooner or later? All our something’s will turn into nothings because striving for something’s always becomes nothings in the end. But being ok with being nothing, being in peace with the big scary void of nothing brings all the something’s that all life sings about. We cannot avoid being one day nothing so why fight it? Mrs. Goje and all of nature does not try to be something, nor is it/she afraid to be nothing. Mrs. Goje and all of nature has no ideas of what it should be or how to be, nor do they even care about such things. A tree is not afraid of being nothing. That is where it grows in darkness and silence and noise it grows in the bowels of nothingness. In which anything is possible and so it grows just like space in the nothing there is everything. In the soil of nature and the soil in our mind, so many plants, and life, to be and that have been, worlds and stories and experiences to be observed to bring about understanding and evolution with our psychological fear. And a tree is what it is Nothingness It’s ok to be that, its what we really are. In being nothing the psychological matrix can not suck us up into its limbo we are not playing the game of all the something’s so as to be something anymore. To no longer entertain the ideas of all the something’s that we have psychologically invested in. We can no longer be afraid of being the nothings because you feel the peace and total understanding in your nothingness. By watching Mrs. Goje she understands the nothingness and what it means to be nothing and she has no problem with this at all so why can’t we? When I can see my problems and psychological struggles and suffering from Mrs. Goje’s perspective imagining her struggling with the same things it then becomes kind of funny because yet again I can see how ridiculous we are. Then I am able to take myself out of the personalized zone and back into observer mode. We can think about animals, observe them, and you immediately know the advice they would give to you. c) Lay ZZZZZ I watched Mrs Goje loneliness and nothingness did not really bother her, she pretty much seemed to prefer it she also seemed to not be bored, but she also had no guilt or shame for doing nothing or being lazy. The fear of loneliness and nothing is related to laziness. That’s another thing I learned from her and other animals just by observing her there is a strange taboo our society seems to have about laziness. Its practically a stigma and that is its not ok to be lazy, its considered a bad thing or a non productive thing.. I think this is a hoax. Look at animals your cat your dog a snake a frog? What the heck do they do all day? They stare at so seeming nothing for hours and do not get bored. They sleep for hours and eat. Most animals are lazy they do not care; they do not punish themselves for it either like we tend to do. They give themselves the time and space they need but when they need to do something such as hunt they are very precise and efficient, then they go back to doing nothing for the rest of the day with no guilt. Humans work 8-­‐14 hours a day that is unheard of in the animal world. An owl being one of the most evolved, works for 5 minutes a day, a snake one hour a week. I think we need to be free to be lazy and nothing to be first psychologically productive to get things done. Its not wise to force the brain to do something its not ready or willing to do. The more space and time I give myself to be lazy the more things I understand and the more things i get done. There is no guilt or shame from an animal about being lazy nor is their psychological fears just natural fears of danger, they do not spend their time worrying about danger once the danger is averted they go back to their peaceful life and laziness. d) A Million Thoughts Other times I would just sit and watch Ghonjies when I felt there is a million things i have to do and they are all trying to get through the door of me at the same time. Thus they are all stuck at the door and non can get out thus I do nothing.. but i am not frustrated its actually interesting all the things that vie for my/our attention all the thoughts we can think and may never think. Before i used to be afraid of wasting my time my life on not being able to have the experiences i would like to have but now i am more concerned about wasting my mind on thoughts that have no depth, substance or understanding, thoughts that can not see themselves or what is underneath them. This makes me more aware of the thoughts that think they are thinking but are not actually thinking at all. What about all the millions of thoughts that are lost, or hidden in a box? Millions of thoughts with millions of ideas and things they suggest for me to do but do they lead to understanding my mind fully or distractions? Rather then always doing where is the thinking? Where is the understanding? It seemed to me that is what we were always missing but Mrs. Goje reminded me of this in her simple ways of how she lives her life, she existed in understanding itself. I could not help feel envious of her, for being able to do that and not be stuck in so many conditionings. d) The EOF Mascot Sometimes when we would bring Ghonjies upstairs, Diego’s other blond girlfriend would come and visit him. She was a sweet little dog and she has been coming to visit Diego for a while now way before I came to live here. She had no problem coming the stairs to visit Diego to be petted by him and lay down for a bit beside his chair. Diego would give her food but she would never eat it she would often carry it off to give to her family. But this time when she came for her visit Ghonja was there as well. This dog was very peaceful she did not care to want to chase Ghonj or even to smell her. The dog mostly was there to see Diego. Ghonji was not intimidated at all by her first time seeing a dog she was intrigued and wanted to investigate this strange creature, she got used to this dog right away. Occasionally this dog would bring her baby pups with her for a visit to, they would follow her in a line single file all up the stairs. Her puppies were more interested in chasing Ghonji, but Ghonji would not run away instead she would charge at the pups and stamp her foot, then she would make her cute growl and the pups cowered and hid behind the mother. Some of them even went down the stairs waiting for their mom instead where it was safer then being near that fat scary rabbit. She was always eating; we did not need to ever cut the grass because she always took care of that job in a most thorough way. She seemed to never eat enough and one time I heard Diego say, she eats more then a dinosaur, this made me laugh so hard. When we would spend time in the front yard, which I tried to do with her everyday. She and I would play chasing games where I would try to catch her and she would try to deak me out. Sometimes she would body check me just charge into my gut till I fell over with laughter at the realization of what she just did. Other times she would wait for me to squat down low so she could then jump on my back hop to the opposite direction, this again made me laugh because it was unexpected, I just never knew what she was going to do, some times she would trip me then she would do a spin in air and wind up in the opposite direction. One time she bolted it and ran to the other side of the yard. I ran after her to quickly chase her back to the other side, but she only would allow that, after she made me run around the pond about 6 times before she went back to other side. But after that she became rebellious, and was determined to go over to that other side as much as she could. Especially when ever I took my eyes off or her or was distracted boom, to the other side she bolted. Sometimes I needed Diego to help me catch her on the other side of the yard and it was so funny watching Diego chase this rabbit as she also made him do many laps around the pond. She had so much personality for a rabbit. I could not help but laugh at her, but she did not understand why that side was forbidden to her and I was so glad that I was able to chase her so she never had time to explore that the walls were low and led to open jungle. Sometimes while we were playing in the yard other dogs would come by for a visit they would just show up but Mrs. Goje not caring how big they were, she would charge them to and the dogs would run away from her. She really was fearless which made me think well of course because she is an EOF rabbit, rather then living your life in fear charge towards that fear and find out what’s so scary after all. It made me think about Alice and Wonderland and the famous line, ‘follow the white rabbit,’ when doing that led to Alice falling down the rabbit hole and into a land of her own confusion, but maybe if she followed the black rabbit it would have lead her to understanding her fear so as not be at the mercy of her fears anymore. Mrs. Goje inspired me to do the same. I can see how when we follow our confusion and were it gets us, but if we follow our fear then perhaps we can skip the land of confusion. I felt Ghonji would be a good example or mascot for the end of fear project. One day when she ran over to the other side of the yard and I went chasing after her right away she did not run circles around the pond like she usually does this time she hopped over the hedge and she did it just as it was starting to get dark. The jungle was too thick for me to follow her to try to catch her. I made various attempts and even asked Diego to help me, but to no avail, because she had disappeared. I burst into tears so sure that she was now lost forever, maybe a snake would get her or worse a local Balinese, she could end up as their next sacrifice. It had now become fully dark and we had to give up but I could not sleep a wink that night I was so sad and so worried. She had never been out on her own like this and all night to. I pretty much tossed and turned the entire night until the first crack of light and immediately I sprung out of bed, while Diego was still fast asleep. The first thing I did was peer into the jungle to check if I could see her. I could not contain my excitement when I saw her in the further part of the jungle, she seemed to be staying around in that area but there were so many different directions she could run in and places to hide. I knew I could not chase her, otherwise she could take it as a game and go deeper into the jungle where I could not get to. I tried to call her name but she is not a dog, she does not come when she is called especially not after being out in a jungle all night on her own. I was not sure if she was scared of just overtaken by her wild rebellious roots to live free, but still its too risky for her to be out there. So I went back into the house and got a carrot and tied it to a string and then I tied the string to a stick and made a carrot fishing rod. I also decided to use my leftover lasagna for her, as I had been too upset to eat it the night before, but she always comes to me when I have food and she cannot resist lasagna, so maybe this would work? It was very challenging to get to the jungle area where she was the ground was steep I did not have good shoes on, just my slippery crock sandals. I knew I had to watch for large mounds rising out of the ground that was a clear sign of a cobras nest, if you get to close the mother will have no sympathy. There were also tons of mosquitos that were biting me constantly, but I did not care, I had to try to get her. I first tried the carrot fishing rod but she quickly figured out what I was doing and took enough bites of the carrot to loosen it from the string. Then when I brought out the ‘big guns,’ the lasagna, her little nose went into over drive, as soon as her nose smelled it she came to me but she was still cautious. She was enjoying her freedom and was not about to give it up so easily. But the more she got lost in the joy of eating lasagna she left her guard down enough and I was able to catch her. Poor Mrs. Goje her Achilles heal was lasagna if she could speak she would have done a slow motion ‘NOOOOOOOOO foiled by inability to resist lasagna.’ At first she protested then she started to nuzzle into me and I carefully carried her back with everything else I had brought out with me and sat down on the chair kissing her wiggly nose maybe more then a hundred times as I talked with her about her night out. I let her respond me about her adventures by putting her nose to my ear I imagined to translate her sniff morse code language. About 30 minutes later Mr. Diego came down the stairs and out for his first morning cigarette he was curious to see me awake before him, mostly I sleep in way later then him. He usually has a good 2-­‐3 hours before I awake, but there I was and that’s when he saw I had her in my arms. He was relieved and surprised that I was able to get her and he was glad to have her back to. Another close call I had with her was when she licked some oil and acrylic paint and got really sick, I was so concerned because it was actually a lot that she ingested, I was not sure if she would even live through the night, I asked Diego, and he said, “not to worry you know she is not your typical rabbit, she is a Ghonjabhar, I am sure she will be able to assimilate this toxin.” And sure enough that is exactly what happened the following day she was as spry as her usual self. Here is one of the videos I made about her and with her at that time. Mrs Goje was definitely my best friend during that time and helped me to get through a lot of things. I learned and laughed so much with her, I do not know what I would have done with out her during that challenging time. Sometimes I soaked her fur with my tears and snot. We had built a whole secret world together. I would paint her fur with yellow pollen, sometimes I would use it to make polka dots or I would catch micro frogs and toads and put them on her fur in different areas and pretend she was one giant fat/phat black hairy alien forest continent to the frogs. I imagined what her dreams were like. I had invented many silly songs about her and talked with her about everything. Diego even got into the pleasure of eating carrots because of her, and this was huge because Diego practically never eats veggies or fruits or even ever drinks water. I drew many pictures of her in other worlds. I would imagine how she would be if she were half rabbit half mermaid; or if she had wings, or could jump so high it would seem she could fly, or if she was half dinosaur half rabbit. I often wondered what she would evolve into in the future; surely her species would become more like kangaroos walking mostly on their two back legs. I did my best to try to move around like her as well and see the world as she sees it. I liked looking at her beaver like teeth one time I tried to get her to show them and smile in a photo only to find her teeth full of dirt, this made me laugh so much. Another time I imagine her as if she lived in outer space because when I ate crackers over her and the crumbs fell on her she looked like space the crumbs were the stars, and so I wondered if the universe came about by a giant black rabbit covered in crumbs pooping perfect spherical planets, just in case we ever wonder why most planets are in the shape of spheres well there you go now you know. Here is the video with all my pictures and paintings of her in various realities. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prRc6ElQitg I started to think more about how animals see and think about things especially after Diego talking about how if Mrs. Goje saw the being in the bathroom or even a ghost she would not care or freak out at all. She would not make a belief system out of it, or a church, or think, she was special for being able to see such a thing. She would be able to assess if it was a threat and most likely its not. She would observe it silently with her nose wiggling away she may even try to play and communicate with it but it would not change her or have that experience abduct her life in which she would struggle psychologically. We will never see animals make armies and go into war or get lost in the latest fashion and gossip. Diego often challenged me to see how humans invent much of their problems and to imagine of all the psychological fears we have how ridiculous it is if animals or Mrs. Goje had the same kind of thoughts. Animals have always been a big part of my life they have helped me so much especially when it comes to understanding confusion, and my most trying times. I do feel they can help everyone else as well, if we can look at them outside of our beliefs. When an animal helps us it does not do it for pride or validation ‘that they are a good animal.’ They need no justification, some know they are helpings and some don’t they help just because that is how they are, its intelligence evolution, no rewards but understanding and affinities. That is why for all that animals have done and are, they have a big branch with the EOF project as well, of assisting and supporting animals, and working with other pioneers who are passionate about animals and understanding their confusion as well. Sadly they also are the victims of our confusion and beliefs, so when we work on that then we help the animals to J so its win win. I would love to do ideas like this if not funding encouraging people who have lots of space to make it sanctuaries for animals, we have all this empty space that could be used, for animals. http://www.boredpanda.com/every-­‐week-­‐i-­‐photograph-­‐cats-­‐at-­‐the-­‐
largest-­‐no-­‐kill-­‐cat-­‐sanctuary-­‐in-­‐california-­‐700-­‐
cats/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=Newsletter I love how Diego gives me the freedom to add as many branches as I like with the EOF Project, so to give pioneers a chance to create jobs they want or would like to do, or invent. Animals are the ultimate and incorruptible example, no animal will exploit us, try to profit off of us, push their beliefs or irrationality on us, or tell us what to think. The more I thought about it the more I decided to write about it. e)-­‐OUR INNER FEARS REALLY ARE RIDICULOUS HERE'S WHY Can you imagine what the world would be like if our inner fears were not just the product of human complexity but animals and plants suffered from these psychological concepts as well? Imagine if birds did not fly because they were too afraid or they were told it is evil to fly? Can you imagine them spending all their time walking around forgetting that they were meant to fly? And what if a flower was too afraid to bloom, worried about what the other flowers or plants would say or think? What if they were not good enough or pretty enough as a flower? What if they chose the wrong color? What if the bees do not like them, or their pollen? Should they try implant petals? What if the sun decided it was not good enough and because it was hurt it decided not to shine anymore? What if a seed in the ground gets paranoid that it will never become a tree, so why even bother to try? I hope this little poem helped you to see how truly ridiculous we sound with our inner fears that we battle inside ourselves every day; if nature does not care about these things, then nor should we? We care too much about the things that are ridiculous and unimportant, and not enough about the really important things. The next time you find yourself thinking you’re not good enough, remember the examples in this post and laugh at those silly and ridiculous thoughts, so you can clearly see how illusionary they are. Here at the EOF we learn how to not take our fears and insecurities seriously. Humor is a precise technology that humans have so as to be able to cut through stress and confusion more easily. Especially the reason for me the more discouragement I got from doing this project and working on myself rather then being upset and falling into apathy I instead went more into the direction of humor, so many things are a tragic comedy what else can we do? Diego would often say to, “when we one day snap out of it and can fully see ours and the worlds confusion fully and totally, to stop taking ourselves and our fake identities so seriously we will laugh for eternality at how ridiculous we have been with our beliefs and taking them so seriously, like if I told you that in 2000 years from now the new and main religion of the world is Harry Potter books the most sacred of all scribing of our past.” f) -­‐An alien experiment on psychological peace and confusion -­‐ Aliens abduct, a man and a rabbit, both at the same time. Both are aloud to keep their memories of their experience. The man is so scared he stays in one place thinking he has to hide or protect himself. The rabbit is immediately curious and starts hopping around looking for some carrots. The rabbit sees an alien the alien picks it up and the rabbit does not care and continues to look for carrots. The man sees the alien and the alien picks him up, the man is very scared now. The man and the rabbit are then taken to god and the man tries to make sense of this. The rabbit does not care and continues to look for carrots. The man is in aw and bows down to god. The experiment is done the man and the rabbit are returned to their homes. The man has been greatly affected by this experience, he cannot sleep or live his life any more like he used to. He has tons of questions. He wonders why this happened to him? Was he chosen? What did they do to him? What happened really? Are they bad or good? Were the aliens boys or girls? Were did they come from? What do they want from him? Was god happy with him or not? He became obsessed with answers and because of this eventually he went crazy, researching everything he could, destroying nature in the name of answers. Forever searching & justifying his answers not just about aliens and god but also about happiness he thinks and searches for it so much he has no time to live or be attentive to see he is losing his intelligence; he is too busy building & up-­‐keeping his many temples. But being happy happens when we do not think or care or try to be happy just like when we were kids we knew this very well and rabbits do to. (all animals/plants know this). The rabbit does not lose any sleep and is not effected at all it peacefully eats its carrot devoid of all beliefs and personal identification in the experience. The rabbit continues to live its life just as before, it does not search, or question or care as when we do any of that we are totally disconnected from life letting things come naturally rather then forcing answers that we then make true by convincing ourselves they are true but that still does not make them true. Thus the rabbit lives the rest of its life out in peace and attentiveness. If it sees a ghost or anything like that is does not care. Its obvious to me to not care or cling to answer beliefs and ideals like the rabbit and keep your sanity and peace don’t try to figure it out don’t take it personal or over identify if a rabbit can do it so can you. Animals & plants are true examples on how to live peacefully. Chapter 15 Creative Fears/Frustrations Something really interesting I have learned about fear and that it’s actually very fascinating even curious, and creative often what we think we are afraid of is not accurate at all. The more we are willing to be a detective of our fears rather then a victim of them then the more peculiar fears we can find we have that we were not even aware of.; its like discovering a whole new world inside yourself, getting to know yourself for the first time, realizing why humans never know who they are. Like how a baby explores the world for the first time with no meanings or identity of any kind so it is when one explores their psyche for the first time with out all the conditioning in the way, as your now able to detect the conditionings better, and can know the difference between fact and opinion. My own discovery of this came one day while Diego was painting, he could paint for hours, he would just spend half a day painting and I sat quietly watching. I always admired artists how a person can draw and paint things so accurately and the silent secret coded stories that come to/from them as they create but even more interesting was the relationship between the artists and the piece they are working on. The image takes the artist on a journey in which there was no space and time and the image is not known. At first the artist has an idea but when they start they are often surprised how it looks in their mind and how it looks on paper. Its co creation with creativity that links all parts of the mind aside from the usual dominant intellect and memory; here perception holds much accord along with intuition sensitivity and even instinct. In some ways we are blind when we create, we can not rely on our technical faculty from intellect and memory to bring the image out of us, we have to push and feel, and explore other cavities in our mind sensing and communicating with the image that is suggesting to us what it will be and look like and say. It has its own language and its own world a private secret world it likes to pull us into. This is why art is such a big part of The EOF Project. Its very important to understand that art is not just making pretty pictures, its about being able to create worlds like we did when we were kids, when we lived in our own private worlds that had no beliefs ideals values and so on. The way we did that was not by skill or even imagination, but by relationships we had with our imagination, creativity and our thinking, processing, decoding, mind, of psychological serenity/freedom not to be mistaken or confused with psychological security, which is the counterfeit version of the latter. It was there, in our private world, where we lived in ‘total understanding with out learning.’ (learning is not the same as understanding) In this world we were free to imagine and create, with this freedom is where our evolution lays, the ability to think rather then getting stuck in thoughts that act like boxes that we can not get out of after awhile unless only to go into a another box. It was when we were living in this world that we never felt bored or lonely no matter how many hours we were on our own it did not matter. We could be alone but not lonely, we understand this very well then. But as we got older we were psychologically pushed to spend less and less time in our own private world and more into this fake world that was created by historical, conditions, opinions, values, ideals, consensus, and beliefs until eventually we forgot all about our own private world and all that we understood. We ended up exchanging our understand and free intelligence with learning and limited confused intelligence all in the name of wanting to be good, loved and accepted. These good intentions only lead to drama and suffering, as it ended up just creating another illusion bubble. To be non conditioned or dismantled of our conditions is to live psychologically in our own world we created, like I see Diego do with the pictures he creates, he always puts himself in his worlds, not because he is full of himself but just because its nice to explore the realms of non confusion and what that would be like, and our face is the thing we know best. So we can live in our psychological life, in our own world, while being able to be a total objective observer of the outer confused world, but this time not to be stuck or caught up in it and lost to it yet again. Nowadays we spend too much time thinking with conditioning telling ourselves what we should strive for next rather, then trying to think and imagine how our mind was before all the conditioning took place, and why we can not remember? We do not even ask why it is when we were a kid, that we had imaginary friends and when we are adults we have imaginary enemies? It is a good idea to inquire on what happened in the between? If we think about these things deeply with out beliefs in the way we can shed a whole lot of understanding of our psyche and the nature of conditioning and how it works. If one can hold onto pondering these things long enough then we will see there has been a huge war when it comes to art. For me I noticed that I actually was afraid of art this came to my attention while Diego was painting and I said to him, “wow your talented to be able to paint like that.” “You can do it to.” he said. “No, no, I can not do that, I do not have the talent and I am sure it will suck. I only wish I could paint and draw so I do the closest I can, I write in pictures.” “Why don’t you just try?” he suggested. “Ok, I said, I will.” Then Diego asked me to draw a tree. “Really a tree? I said, ok but it will not be that good.” “I do not care, he said, just draw me a tree the way you usually do, any tree will be fine.” I quickly did my drawing I decided to make it a cartoon tree with eyes nose and a mouth and then I showed it to him. After he looked at it he said, “it’s interesting when most people draw a tree they do not consider the roots. I see you forgot the roots, which is the most important part of the tree because with out the roots there is no tree. The roots are actually the tree not the tree that we see on the surface. It’s not your fault we are conditioned to only see the surface of things, which makes us often shallow and superficial, rather then to inquire, look deeper, or even think about the roots, which is the actually the real tree. Without the roots there can be no tree. Yes the roots are not pretty. Trees roots are covered in mud and darkness and that's the same with the root of our thoughts that is why we do not think they are there at all, or consider them. But we must get past our fear conditionings of depth, dirt and darkness, which is all the unknown. If we want to be psychologically free, then we need to think about these things and use these tools to navigate so as to go to the roots exploring the unknown. Fears do not have to be scary they can be an exciting adventure, to you know. Have we ever seen the full roots of a tree? Have we ever seen the full roots of our mind and thoughts? Do we want to? Can we see a tree and its roots for what it actually is or must we always see it through our beliefs and our conditioning. For example if a person is Christian, oh thank god for this tree, if a person is spiritual oh it’s the divine oneness of mother gia, a poet will just see it as a poem, someone who is romantic will romanticize it, while others will just see it as something to take a picture of it, and another may not like the tree at all because it reminds them of something unpleasant in the past thus they do not like the tree… non of these people are seeing the tree, they are letting intellect memory and conditioning see for them which creates a kind of tunnel vision. So if we are doing that with something as simple as a tree how many other things are we doing the same which such as with thoughts, people things, and so on? Yes I agree and I see that, but I still wanted to understand why I struggled when he asked me to draw a tree? Why am I struggling now when he asked me to do a painting? I look over at him and I sense he is still waiting on me to do just that. My first painting I got so frustrated over I actually started to cry and I threw the painting down and said, “there see I told you I can not paint, I do not have that talent or skill.” “No, he replied, this painting can be interesting, why not trying to use more paint? I notice you skimp out on that a lot, also keep in mind only some paints colors you are using are oil while others are acrylic so of course that will be a lot more challenging, especially if your not familiar the qualities of each kind of paints. Come on keep going, explore see what works and what does not, it’s an adventure.” Then Diego left shortly after saying he will leave me to try to understand what had just happened? I was left to ponder why there was such a struggle with me when it came to doing something artistic? How could I be afraid to express my creativity in other modalities? And why the heck would I make this a problem or some reason to struggle about, creativity, frustrations on creativity or is it creative frustrations? In this way yes we are very creative in inventing psychological struggles and fear scenario stories, convincing ourselves they are true then reacting badly to them. The more I thought about it I started to realize I am not the only one that struggles and has fear and frustrations with art, actually its one of our major conditionings. The misuse/abuse of our imagination and creativity is the reason so many unnecessary psychological fears which often results in the more terrible things we see in this world today. These experiences/questions inspired me to start the EOF exercise as I felt the Orientations posts may be hard for others to understand, granted they are supposed to be challenging, its supposed to be like a trip to the gym for the mind. When we have not worked out before or in a long time our body aches, well it’s the same with our mind especially when we have not been thinking for a while. Even if a person does understand intellectually it’s still not enough if people are still suffering internally, it means they are not able to perceive the thoughts behind their thoughts, not like how we are able to when we are doing something artistic. So In my attempt to further help others understand our project I have personally gone through and came up with these exercises that I observed can speed up the process to start practicing and developing a better understanding with our mind and how it works. a) The War on Art We have created a war with art but when we were kids we used to love to make art now we say we are too busy to do art projects or we say I am no good at art. But mostly that's an excuse to escape art, as most have simply become afraid of art. Most art today is rarely done because we want to do it, but because a way to make income or to have consensus. So we do what others would like and expect, all the while denying our psychological art desire. First we need to push ourselves past these lies that we are not good enough, we do not have the talent etc. So we can just start drawing or painting or writing a song, a poem. Pick a simple art project. Choose an art modality that the very thought of it makes you most uncomfortable doing. For example I am comfortable with writing but I am not comfortable with painting, yet it very much intrigues me I would like to be able to paint, so I would choose painting. For another person it would be photo manipulation software. Once you have made your decision, your next hurdle will be your frustration and self talk because we have an idea in our head of how we want our project to be then when we see what we have done it does not match at all. This frustrates us and this gives us confirmation that we are not good enough. But if we observe our thoughts here and see what is really going on. The frustration comes from two things: comparing our-­‐selves and our art project with others, which leads to doubting and judgment to both yourself and your art project; the other is the control issue. We feel the need to train ourselves, teach ourselves how to do this project properly, so we look up tutorials and tips simply because we want it to look a certain way, we want it to be perfect but the art in you is rebellious and does not care what you want, it will do its own thing. So how we react to art and our idea of how it should be gets in the way of us creating or doing anything because its like all our conditioning gets in the way. (This is the exact same to how our mind is when we are reading an Orientation post and why its such a challenge to get very far with them right away.) Now if you still force it to your way, this moment of so much potential, to co-­‐ create with your perception remember the excitement you used to feel when you were a child, to go back to that trusting of the unknown? When this comes up I want you to go with the art no matter what comes out even if at first it seems terrible and makes no sense to your mind, keep going, keep doing it. Soon you will forget about the process and right and wrong of it all and you will find yourself on a journey that can bring through many insights, clarity and a state of peace. With this exercise you have just walked yourself past a major lie you have conditioned yourself to believe and that is you’re not good at art. It is not about being an awesome artist but going on a journey to your secret world and to observe firsthand how your mind works and tries to talk you out of this journey. Our intellect, memories and conditionings can get in the way of our art if its not used in a technical way otherwise we end up creating beliefs or other peoples ideas of fantasy like a unicorn which Diego can not stand, he always challenges himself and others to do, draw, make things they never thought of before, “challenge yourself to draw totally new things do not be afraid to invent. Its because we are given beliefs when we are kids that we struggle to use our imagination to create new things, or even to perceive things can not be seen with the eyes, or we use our imagination against ourselves. I know this sounds paradoxical because we are told if we can believe in something or ourselves we can do anything. Stories like you just need to believe in fairies and that makes them real but actually it locks us in a limbo of other peoples ideas/perceptions, on what things are, or how we should see things pushed on us. In children’s stories its all about beliefs is where the magic comes from but actually its beliefs that kills the understanding and healthy psychological imagination because we tie it into seeing what we want, what we are told, and not what is actually there. Imagination is not so much about what we want to create but what we can perceive beyond the minds intellect and memories to the many worlds that are going on right in front of us. Like Diego says life/imagination is that thing that happens to us while we are busy making plans. I do feel this has to do with the reason of this strange thing going on that has led us to bring about this war on art. We seem to be at war as we fight, battle our creativity and imagination our inventions all the time. To the point we have become afraid of our own creativity, of our imagination so we avoid it or we let it get turned into something of authority so as to be a slave of our imagination. Which is very sad how we have been made to fight our greatest gifts in this way. Now we live in fear or our creation, we have become afraid to even create, which is how we evolve, instead we forget to even begin always putting it off, because we have done this for too long we are starting to devolve. This made think me of when I worked at the animation studio the thing that got me so excited about working there was that I was going to be around artists that loved to draw and create. But to my dismay I found that several of the artists actually started to hate to draw because they were forced to draw in a way that sucked all the creativity and pleasure out of them, it was now a job, a stress, a pressure, something that had to be done a certain way, on time or else. So when they got home and they had free time to draw or do what they loved, they certainly would not spend that free time to draw instead they avoided it, and even hated to draw. They felt stuck in which that was the only thing they can do, if they do not want to draw then what else is there for them? One time I asked them if they remembered when they used to draw with out the desire to be perfect or to have consensus and more important than the technique and skill was the relationship with our imagination that we were having? When they were reminded of this it did get them thinking but did it get them drawing? I would have to say no it did not because the memory and realization is simply not enough once we know this is the problem its not enough simply because knowing what the problem is does not help us understand the problem and how it works. Society seems to be so against art unless we can sell it. Why is society so afraid or art? Please do not be so quick with a response to answer this question instead think more about it, and try to see it in and around you, then from this question will come more questions not answers. In Cambodia all the artists were seen as a great threat and were all ordered to come forward or have the family and friends reveal who they were so as not to be killed as well. So rather then singling out all the Jews like what happened under Hitlers reign all the artists: writers, poets, singers, musicians, dancers, painters, sculptors, and so on were all tortured and killed. By killing all the artistic minded people Cambodia thought they would be safe from anyone rebelling or getting the people to think outside of the box. For people who think this can not happen to them because they live in a first world country, wrong it can happen and is happening to us first psychologically that is where we are planting and cultivating this seed of insanity and sheer confusion to spread in ways we can not imagine, all because we insist on being blind to these things. We now use our imagination for creative ways how to disembowel and destroy each other both physically and psychologically to the point it leaves historical impressions tattoos in our psyche of long lasting PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorders that we can not seem to recover from. We say our beliefs and arts come from our love our hearts. We believe what we believe, not because we have a choice even though we like to convince ourselves of that, we do not dare say or to admit to ourselves what is buried underneath those thoughts which is a vast amount of years our ancestors had to endure of torture and death until they submitting and succumbed to the fear and others ideals on how we should be and live psychically and psychologically which to me is equivalent to being forced into having a lobotomy or else. Why do parents live in fear of their kid choosing art as something they want to do being so sure they will be a starving artist, so they discourage them every chance they get, or the kids are pushed towards fame with their art, that sucks the life out of the artist; the art eats the artist. Which often sends the artist into a limbo that people only care about their art and not them as a person. Or they struggle with living in their art, and staying there always, as it seems safe. They are unable to see the limbo of it, its too scary for them to think that they are not their art, or whom they would be with out their art. We can even become mentally unstable in this way such as Van Gogh who cut his ear off because it could not fit into his painting self-­‐portrait of himself. He had lost himself to his art in the way in which he had no healthy compass of self orientation to see the danger it was leading him towards of losing his mind, his intelligence because he could not tell the difference between the picture and life or normality and reality, it’s the same with Dali and many other artists. Reality is not normality they are two different things but still today so many struggle with this and can not see the difference, but in our self orientation we can see the difference and thus navigate ourselves around this pothole. Especially when we wake up one day in tears thinking we lost our creativity this also is not true we did not lose our creativity we just put them in disguises of our beliefs/ religion etc, our beliefs bury our creativity the more we dismantle this the more our creativity comes back in a spontaneous way is something Diego would say. Creativity is like having a MacGyver like mind in which we take any object and see it outside of its label and our usual ideas we know of it, to think out side of the box and its many potentials, to challenge the known and beliefs to see beyond what we see and create something totally new through our perception. A cat can often take what ever it finds and use it for something to play with which in turn teaches it how to move and hunt better. Art must be free not forced out of us to make money, but just to create freely with out those expectations then after you can see if there is an interest for our creation. Its really sad that all those lovely things made by the Balinese, I mean they are super creative but their ability to think is practically non existent, their creativity comes only from the hopes of profit and this is how our art becomes prostituted, and intelligence suffers, and psychological well being is effected as well, only to use art for profit and not to understand and dismantle problems. Diego one day got the idea to paint some stones then he decided to take them to some shops and they were willing to sell them in his shop and he actually made a good amount of money for painting stones. Usually its things we often do not consider or overlook thinking that’s silly. So we never explore it to see, to find out for ourselves, so we never know. I had to admit I was jealous of Diego’s creativity and imagination he did not seem to be struggling with being alone or being nothing. He had built this inner world in which his creativity seemed to know no bounds and I so badly wanted to go in it to be a part of it, to be in his pictures he made. As if to say, ‘take me with you I want to come to, don’t leave me in this cruel world all by myself.’ But that was not the way to go about it. I had to build and cultivate my own inner world being perfectly ok with aloneness and nothingness fully and completely then I could build a bridge or be a tree of my own uniquitity co-­‐existing co-­‐creating co-­‐complimenting next to his world and many others like a forest does. I started to draw again I had not drawn in years I used to love to draw so much, but I was never very good at it, though like writing I do not think that should be a reason for us not to draw and write to create and explore and journey understanding more as we go. My problem is I have so many complex ideas that are a challenge to draw, and I do feel I draw the same way I write, I am also rebellious to the rules of drawing like I am with writing. I made some more attempts to paint, it was still hard and frustrating but I tried to remind myself that I was not frustrated my frustration was frustrated. It helped but it was not enough I had to be attentive to my mind and its reactions, the stories it would tell me to try to get me to stop. I also tried photo manipulation software, I really did not like having to learn how to figure out the technical side of the software so I only ended up making a few perhaps I will pick it up again. I got into clay for a bit to some cheap kids play doh but it was still interesting. We can use creative means but if we cant that does not mean we can not still build back up and nurture our own private world we can do this just by thinking observing and questioning. It really does not matter if one is good at art or not, or even if we do art projects its just a suggestions what is more important is if we can be artists of our mind? If we can co-­‐create with all the facets of our mind in a peaceful way rather then playing favorites or fight with them like we often tend to do. If we can be artists of our thinking, understanding, our own life, our own mind, then we can create and nurture that inner world devoid of clinging to illusions in the way that Angela did; trying to make a fake world inside her head, which effected her mental stability. She is a good example of the abuse we do in our mind, the abuse of our own creativity/imagination and why it turns on us, into our worst nightmare or we make it into an enemy that is impossible to fight but steals the mind. Like many other artists have found this out the hard way as well. Imagination is a gift but we must be attentive to it and keep in clarity otherwise it will become a factory of illusions, and then our own prison, and eventually our demise. Can we nurture creativity in our mind first where it matters the most (clarity) and will be the most sustainable so as to evolve or will we continue to insist on clinging to things that will make our intelligence decay? If we were more creative with our mind and understanding we would find we are not as stuck as we think our beliefs is what makes us stuck unable to think or consider the many other options we have simply because it is out of our scope. Can we use our creativity/imagination not to create fear and frustration but to navigate us to clarity and many exciting adventures in the psyche? Our creativity is not gone its just buried under confusion, the more layers we pull back and dismantle the more of creative flowering waterfall we become. We like art/poetry, (some of us), not because art/poetry is cool. But because to bring into being poetry one must break rhetorical thinking.. Which means that poetry, to be poetry, must be constantly new inquiry, new thinking, not the stagnation of belief. Indeed a constantly new questioning & inquiring psychology; is poetry.” ~ Mr. Diego "The power of imagination is the ultimate creative power… no doubt about that. While knowledge defines all we currently know and understand.. Imagination points to all we might yet discover and create. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions” ~ Albert Einstein Shortly after that I felt the pull to write two poems, I always found comfort in writing they were my paintings and drawings. I liked figuring out how to paint with letters to make inner worlds and challenges transparent. But oh I wish I could be able to be good at drawing, painting and photo manipulation, and clay but I just do not have the patience for it, at least not right now. I still work at it from time to time, creativity should not be a chore but a stimulating, adventure pleasure to our evolution. Here is some of my creations. https://www.facebook.com/jessicamystic/media_set?set=a.1015157865145
3627.1073741829.502938626&type=3 https://www.facebook.com/jessicamystic/media_set?set=a.10151535794833627.1073
741825.502938626&type=3 When we get disappointed with our attempts to make art creations out side of our comfort zone we tend to return to the familiar and for me its writing. Here are some poems I worked on at this time about my thoughts and understandings at that time. c)-­‐Nigrum Foramen (latin for black hole) Isosceles triangulation has its relation. Devouring the known ripping up the garden fabric of space. Making space for something new something unknown. The womb of pure potential impregnated by Mr. E In each small seed there is a black hole in wholeness. No fragmentation no stagnation just quiet peaceful silent contemplation observation of possibilities not yet born. The seed has no limitation it emulates the macro and micro of space bodies. One seed is a black hole in the soil of space in the soil of your mind. Devouring and merging with the soil the energy of space, of water, of light, of dark, of life, of the seen and unseen, and all that it meets, inspired by all; acting like a sponge for all the dreams to be, to do, to experience, to observe, mixing it all together to create a whole new cocktail. The black hole does not segregate or fragment it leaves no one and nothing out everything is accumulated, assimilated, no judgment, no separation its all relative, which equals…. Extinction of the known liberation of the unknown; Black, dark, void empty but not. An over active imagination is not a scary thing so why do we fear it? The unknown is calling you back singing in triangular notes mathematical quotes. The fabric of space the fabric of the dream is watching, it’s observing how much do we feed our unknown? What new worlds, inner, private, sensitive innocent worlds do we have to offer up to co-­‐create with? How deep have we gone in our void? They wonder, oh how they wonder/wander, why this so many tend to avoid and even get annoyed? What is so scary about the darkness? Ask the ones who have been born blind how they see and experience the world? What is color? What is light to them? No light but what they make inside the dark box black hole void of their mind. What do they create? What does nature nurture inside them to perceive? They do not see, yet they see more then us how can it be? They see them selves as the collective see/sea; what is the outside world to them? Ask the fetus this to? Swimming in the seas seed, in the garden, in the womb, in the vortexes of our own being which is a black hole of wholeness of freedom. Swimming in the black hole of the vortex of womb of the garden inside the seed is wholeness and freedom. What will grow? What will bloom? Don’t worry it will make room. What will perfume from this? Isosceles triangulation has its relation its looking for non confused creation. Will we be awake and aware to see them? Our gardens, our creativity wombs are being observed and weighed did we cultivate the known or the unknown? Will it be extinction of evolution? The evaluation is being calculated. Will we be awake to witness the flowering of your nebulonic inner garden, the flowering of our intelligence? a tenebris lucem. d) Then I wrote this poem which was a riddle and a trick question for us to see we are all fake, can we see it, can we admit it, and what we can do about it? ¿eʞɐF ro lɐǝR uoY eɹA? The cerebral cortex has its own vortex transported through space and time by the Atlas of our bones that holds up the mind of minds, the thought of all thoughts oh what responsibility for Atlas, the lot of all lots; the thought, within thoughts, the mind, within the mind the hypercube of upside down backwards labyrinthic confusion. Will you try to understand or give up because it does not play by the rules? (Who’s rules? Do they matter really? Or are they pushing your buttons pulling your… Trigger of the Trigonometry triangulation it acts as fractals layering your minds biology, acting as an invisible layer of billions of tiny holographic black trilingual holes that represent the whole triangle. Always acupuncturing your every moments. No, you’re not alone in those moments. Your not alone in your internal space, in your internal universes complete with cerebral cortex vortex linking you to the quasars and the triangles that are always there observing creating and eliminating. They are always there. Asking you one question the question of all questions over and over Are you? You? Are you real? Are you? fake? Or real? What does it mean? How you live? How you think? Is it you or something or someone elses idea of you that your living? Are you living like the world upside down and backwards? and did you live that way when you were a child? Remember standing on your head trying to make sense of it all? Are you living that way now? Are you surprised that your now a clone? Being fake so long, faking it so long, lost your self, lost your non identity that is outside of all the counterfeit identities that life has thrust upon you. So many fake versions ideas/ideals, beliefs of you, how are you supposed to know which is the real one? the real you? You scream you shout for the real you to please stand up in the sea of clone yous that is always used and abused. For how long have you been that way? Were you really cloned or did your perpetual fake be-­‐lie-­‐fs make you that way? After many centuries of being the lie, acting for so long one tends to forget the real you and what its like. you can not live real true life if your a fake. so you have never lived. if your fake your not alive. you robbed yourself of life. killed yourself by ideas and belief. Yes you forgot joy and peace to what its really like. You have been given clone versions of peace and happiness as well. By believing in what’s not you did it make you into something your not? Believing it to be true for so long and so it is that way? So ask yourself again deeply and profoundly are you, you? Are you the real you? Are you real or fake? Where have you gone? The, you, your observer knows. Then when the answer hits you like a meteor shower destroying all that’s not you then you have another thing to understand. What does it mean to truly be you? the responsibility to be you in every moment? If you were to be truly you, and you knew it was all held together the web of lies by a tiny thread then you could undo all that has been done. All the parallel versions ideas of you aligning you to outside the time line of the fusion transfusion of the observation and witnessing of the wholeness of your self, no longer scattered in counterfeit ideas of space and time, which is your own vortex. And you search and search for your long lost love, for your family, your knowledge your happy yet you never met yourself. You never met you, you do not know you. The paradox of that is that your also terrified to meet yourself. What would it say on your life lived as a gmo seed? Especially knowing the billions of moments giving to you where you had the choice but choose the fake you due to fear at the expense of one to many lying tear. In a world of fake its so hard to know or find what’s real anymore it makes us go crazy. The fear battles surges urges through us, no I must not be myself so others will love and accept me. I hear this all the time, it saturates the air we breath. So then is it worth it? To be liked by everyone but yourself? Rest assure the ones that are popular are fakes. Its better to be liked by no one except yourself now its easier to live in your skin and if you can do it at all with out the historical fear of the many times you were committed to the psych ward or killed for being the actual you in a sea of fakes then the people who are drawn to you perhaps will no longer be confused fakes out to bamboozle you, or at least you will be able to detect them better. Perhaps you will draw/detect the original seeds to you. Yes its possible for a gmo seed to go back to an original seed. Just like its possible for concrete to turn back into soil and leafy green its mirroring your own psychological journey do you see. Its there its all-­‐there right before your eyes, It’s not hard to understand its basic mathematics. What would your life be like if you were attentively you full time? So ask yourself again deeply and profoundly are you, you? Are you the real you? Are you real or fake? ¿eʞɐF ro lɐǝR uoY eɹA? The mind, within the mind the hypercube of upside down backwards-­‐labyrinthic confusion. Will you try to understand or give up because it does not play by the rules? (Who’s rules? Do they matter really? Or are they pushing your buttons pulling your…real you trigger ¿eʞɐF ro lɐǝR uoY eɹA? Chapter: 16 The Encounter with Cobras Early June of 2013 we had been informed that Bali was expected to have a major earthquake somewhere off the coast of Kuta. We were in Ubud, which is more in the center of Bali so we would feel it, but it would not be so intense for us, but we would sure feel it. I was not so afraid of this I was more curious to feel an earthquake that big and what it might be like to see our cement wall move like a snake. As for Diego he just said we will surly dance, and that all the other earthquakes he experienced in Bali so far such as the 2 medium sized ones that took out his cigarette castle both took place while he was on the toilet, so it would be nice to experience one being somewhere else next time. I was quiet impressed how far I had come, I used to be so afraid of earthquakes now my fear had been transformed to curiosity about them. After all I myself had many psychological earthquakes that helped me a lot to break up the rigidity of old beliefs, patterns, conditionings and structure, though its not pleasant at first I could see the benefits of giving others a good psychological earthquake as well, which would sometimes result in turning their fears into curiosity as well, and sometimes not at all. Another example of this for me was with spiders to better understanding them, thus fear decreases. I thought I was cured by that fear in the way that if I saw a spider I would still feel uneasy and cautious such as residues of the fear I used to have with them but I was surprised by myself when I had a few more experiences with them. One time while I was laying on the bed typing on the computer a large brown jumping spider named Harriet dropped down onto my leg and I did not freak out. I just said, ‘hi there,’ and then I looked up to see where it fell from, and sure enough there was a black gheko that had most likely dropped it from its mouth and the spider ran from my leg off the bed and hid in my clothing mountain I had created on the floor. Another time right after I got out of the bath and grabbed a towel to wrap around me, I felt a something wrap around my thumb and with out reacting much I lightly shook it off and it fell to the ground. I looked to see what it was, and it was a large brown jumping spider named Hector. Of course the towels would be a good place for it to hide. I saw the spider move towards Mrs. Ghojies and she did not mind using her fat booty for the spider to hide behind, helping the spider. I imagined she had befriended all the spiders and they would tell her spider tales while she in turn told them bunny tales. I was surprised how soft and gentle the spider felt wrapped around my thumb and how tender it was and even how calm I was about our interaction even being flung to the floor. Had that happened to me last year I would have freaked-­‐out. Oh there are times when I still feel the need to be cautious when it comes to physical fear but I am more aware of the psychological movements. I have seen Diego cautious to (caution or concern is not the same as fear, it seems Diego replaces caution with fear.) but that does not stop him from an attempt to communicate with it. A good example would be in early June when we were coming back from lunch as we were going through the main entrance to our place only to see our land lady and another resident yelling at us, ‘to stop!’ Then next thing i knew my arm was grabbed very aggressively and pulled back as someone yelled, ‘look out!’ I was told to look up and there above our heads were 2 huge spitting cobras intertwined and climbing a tree branch at the same time. They were not that high up at all from us maybe about half a meter; they could easily drop down on us. There was another one near by to. As we continued to watch them, as this was quite the site. We saw they were all trying to intertwine to make a collective strong snake rope. We did not know if the spitting cobras were there to make a nest or something they were most likely a family, as these snakes travel in groups. But it is so so rare to see snakes like this out in the day, as they are mostly nocturnal here. It is said before earthquakes animals act strangely, most likely they felt tremors in the ground. The land-­‐lady and neighbors were terrified one even had a big riffle out ready to shoot them. Diego was worried for the snakes, he could feel their fear and confusion and wanted them to understand what was going on with the people around them, so the snake family would not be harmed. Diego started to communicate with them by snapping his fingers to try to create a vibration communication. By vibration communication I do not mean the new age positive loving vibes nonsense stuff like that. I am referring to sound vibration to draw the cobra’s attention towards Diego. Which made the snakes come towards us very fast. I do not know if people have an idea just how fast snakes are and what It feels like to see two large intertwined snakes charging towards you because your partner is decided to snap their fingers, its enough to give you a heart attack let me tell you, my toes are still curling at this memory alone. Cobra’s are also very intelligent, they can also jump pretty very far to, and spit in your eye to blind you, they can also roll into a wheel and there is no way to out run them either. They are also excellent swimmers and can be very aggressive and dangerous. So the neighbor had his gun aimed ready to shoot at the 3 lone snake that was trying to intertwine itself with the other two snakes. Diego said, “if he shoots one of the snakes then the whole family would attack everyone.” Good thing Diego was able to talk him out of not shooting the poor snake. Anyway when i saw them moving in our direction thanks to Diego’s snapping his fingers but by doing that he explained later he was trying to suggest the snakes to try going over the wall. he was trying to calm them down because they were scared. That’s why they were all trying to intertwine to make a collective strong snake rope so as to get over the wall, they could only do it all together in order for it to work. Diego was trying to help them on how to do this safely with his snaps by guiding them in the safest direction. He also tried to get the snake to understand the situation, and it seemed like they did understand as Diego definitely had their attention because they were coming right for us looking directly at us. I got very nervous and started to take a few steps back and ended up going right into the pond. I got out quickly and looked around there could be more then 3 snakes after all; perhaps they had some underground tunnels or were in the pond. Who knows how many holes could be near by? Having them in this area with so many walking the path is a heart pounding thought. Good thing i learned how to feel a snakes presence, to know if they are here or not it comes in handy let me tell you. Sometimes Diego and I would say I feel a snake lets see if one is here and sure enough would be one out. I had spent many of my evenings trying to communicate with the green mambas that came out after the rain, but still my goodness, there are no words to describe this experience with the cobras. They are not like green mambas, they are often more aggressive and more territorial also they are family oriented while mambas are often solo right after hatching. When I had gotten out of the large pond the cobras then just like that, they just turned away from us and disappeared over the wall, they had succeeded in their 3 snake rope intertwined that would give them the strength they need to get over the wall. To Diego its about communicating with your fear and not being intimated and blinded by it or running and freaking out but using your intelligence what he did he communicated with them and kept a good distance of course… but damn… I was glad I did not run because it’s a risk with a cobra they can run after you, no instead, I chose to back up a bit and not be attentive that was backing myself into the pond… The odds of seeing what we saw with these snakes is super rare not even living here for 50 years can you expect to see what we did that day. rd
But wow those snakes were beautiful, awesome, inspiring its amazing how anything can happen anywhere anytime just a collision of so many realities and worlds. Diego always takes the fears away and replaces it with excitement, opportunities, and makes it so interesting. He says, “I rather deal with poisonous snakes then confused, arrogant, stupid people anytime as at least snakes are intelligent and you can communicate with them reasonably.” We are only afraid of what we do not understand. Diego actually really enjoyed the cobras they were just so beautiful to him it brought tears to his eyes. “Now that’s a family, he said, or at least how they were meant to be. No one controls or pushes their ways on each other, they do not fight and argue over petty things they are all free and they all work together and because of that they are so intelligent.” Recently I wrote a post that was inspired when I was remembering and reflecting back on this event. As I was thinking back on how I had conditioned myself that love and light is the only way to be around wild animals. I tried to imagine how the scenario would go with a lightworker in that situation and what I had witnessed with Diego again he destroyed all that I thought I knew about such things and if I could compare these two extremes we could see the mechanics of our conditionings and why our ideals do not work that their based on irrationality not rationalism. Why Choosing Love as a Solution or a Main State of Being is Erroneous and Dangerous We have this idea that love is the ultimate solution that if we could just be blissed out love zombies 24/7 then the world would be a better place but are we sure about that? Are we sure that love is intelligent? Or is just an idea that has all been made up by a mad man mind delusion so as to escape reality? If a person with these ideals and beliefs is walking in the jungle and they come across a poisonous snake. This person who is drunk on love thinks that this snake is also divine and love so all they have to do is send it loving energy and the snake will allow the love zombie to pass safely. They think that unconditional love is the universal language and that the snake will some how feel its love and let them pass. I know i used to think this way to thanks to stupid books like Anastasia Ringing Cedars of Russia or even stories about Tipi. But Tipi's connection with wild and dangerous animals was not cause of love it was because of intelligence and communication. So as this lightworker love zombie is looking at the snake with love honor and divinity. They feel the snakes love in their heart; maybe they even remember a life as a snake and think they are given some divine message from the snake. This person has convinced himself or herself that the snake feels their vibe and so now they are free to pass ignoring the snakes warnings. The person is so drugged in their love ideals that they cannot see that the snake is giving its warning signs that it is about to strike and so it does and the love zombie gets bitten. So often there are parents who claim to love their children, they tell them all the time, they may even do healing loving energy on them. But the kid still resents the parent and that is because the kid is frustrated that the parent is so busy in love and its ideas of love that it does not see the kid as the person/ a mind that they are; thus there is no real communication or understanding of any kind. This is the same with romantic partners to so they drift and after a while have nothing to say as they find love is not enough because love does not equal clarity/intelligence, and too many values ideals and beliefs are in the way. Thus their is always fight they use love to make up but then fight again and they live their whole life in this never ending limbo of confusion, clinging to irrationality, never realizing how love is violent and thus always leads to violence and a un/comfortably numb state. If an intelligent/attentive/clear/thinking person is walking in the jungle and they see a poisonous snake on their path they are not going to be so foolish to send love so as to ignore the message of the snake. The intelligent person observes the snakes movement body language and perceives what its feeling. This person is able to detect that the snake is nervous and is aggressive the snake makes its first warning. The intelligent observer is able to understand that the snake communicates through vibration but not love light vibration like many deluded new age people think. The vibration that comes from a snapping of the finger is enough to help the snake to understand its not in danger from him but it has to be cleared from this path because its not a good safe idea for the snake to be there. Then the intelligent person uses their umbrella to move the snake to a safer area they need to be very attentive at this time with the snake to make sure it understands its actions as the snake can jump and spit and attack if need be, all those things must be taken into account in a rational way. The intelligent person does not have fear but they have caution, they refuse to see the snake through their beliefs ideals or conditioning of any kind the snake is also intelligent and should be treated as intelligent not a fellow love zombie from the divine this is even erroneous to a snake, they do not care about these things at all, so of course it will bite with this kind of confusion being directed at it. The intelligent person also approaches relationships and parent hood in this way thus the kids and partner do not feel resentment towards them and thus making the need to say i love you obsolete because their is actual communication and understanding with out any beliefs/conditions/ illusions/consensus in the way. So which one do you choose to be? A love, light, bliss, all is divine namste zombie living a comfortably numb existence of negligence or an intelligent perceptive attentive observer that is able/willing to see outside of all beliefs conditioning ideals and confusion so as to no longer live in a life of conflict but peaceful communication and understanding with other life that has chosen their intelligence as well? Think about these things your making this decision every day with out even realizing it. Chapter 17 What Does it Mean to be a Friend? In my last blog I wrote a chapter about how sometimes our good news is someone else’s bad news. I was very vague in that chapter it was originally meant to be a very long one but I decided just to make it cryptic and leave it at that but I knew in later blogs I would further elaborate on what was meant there and what was happening at the time. When I decided it would be better for me to stay in Bali with Diego because I had found a partner and project that I was just too curious about. Sharing that with my best friend Melissa was not easy because we both knew it was bitter sweet. We knew it meant that it would mean a longer time of me not being able to see her or my family. I tried to explain to her about Diego the kind of person he is, but since I was also pretty depressed at that time, dismantling so many things, she could tell I was not doing well. So she like my mom was concerned for me, thinking it had something to do with Diego. They already had to deal with me not seeing them very much in the last few years because of my ex who kept me away from them, and also I chose to stay away from them because I did not want them to be manipulated and exploited by him as well. I wanted to take this burden on my own as I got myself into that mess and I wanted to be the one to get myself out, with as little causalities as possible. But the sadness was so strong because an abusive partner has a way of separating you from family and friends. So that is a strong fear with them now with the new relationship. It is true that often times when a person meets a partner they see the people they are closest to less and less. Its not so much that I wanted to cut them out of my life, or for them to see me dismantling it was that they would not be able to understand it. I did try to explain to them but to no avail. I also did not want to make more of a mess or add to the confusion like I did with Katherine Angela and Shiva, not being clear in explaining the process. And if they asked me about Diego it sounded to them that I made Diego into a god, of course he is not that, not to me either, but he can seem that way to others especially while I was trying to understand not just my conditioned patterns but the collectives conditioned patterns, which I had to write about in my blogs to, it had to be honest how I saw and thought at that time, confusion and all. I was just so caught up in my illusions of spiritual ideals and mixed that with my ideas of relationships and Diego. But the description is not the described. We do this so much we are not aware and it creates so much problems such as for example the pope people forget that he is just a man and so they worship him and make him larger then life. Its how he can preach about humility covered and gold but no one thinks about that or sees it. They look at instead him through symbols, ideals, and beliefs we do this with our parents, partners, celebrities, authority figures, and people we admire; and it creates all kinds of confusion/irrationality. As we compare ourselves with them, make them into idols assuming they are better, smarter, more attractive, and whatever else then us; until we entertain this illusion so much, and for so long, that we allow it to take over our mind and think for us. This can easily lead to suspicion and frustration believing more in these ideas/ideals rather then finding out what actually is; and how the person really is like, and what their struggles are, often they are the same as ours. Anyway it was frustrating speaking and trying to explain about Diego when it seemed bias and so I would just encourage my friends and family to talk to him on their own. My youngest brother named Steve that I like to call him bug. I used to be so close, now we have drifted apart. Steve is not even religious or spiritual but he is heavily influenced by commercialism and ideas of success. He thinks I abandoned him and the family, he was young when our sister and dad passed away, then our brother Forest vanishes, and there is not really much left of the family now with me gone; (and I was the closest to him) Its now just him and mom our eldest brother always being far away living in the UK. To my little brother he thinks I am running away from my problems and my ex partner Gus, which might have been true at first but its now more then that and I can not get my brother to understand as the more I dismantle the harder it was to communicate with him my mom and even my best friend. Also Diego’s pictures seemed weird to him and it made Steve uncomfortable to want to attempt a communication with Diego. It seemed to Steve that I had changed too much for him and it’s all because of this mysterious partner of mine that he could not even understand my posts, or why I was destroying my old work, as it was like destroying my meal ticket to him, it just made no sense. He did not understand why I was not into the things I used to be, this new stuff I was sharing was like another language to him. Things got even more strained between us, when he started to get involved with a gold digger, that was just using him for his money, when I tried to tell him he did not want to hear about it. I was just so worried about him being trapped by this girl, all this pressure to pay for everything for him otherwise he does not care for her she would say, buy her this, buy her that, get me a ring, lets get a house and all things to reach a point of no return locked up in debt. I hated that I could see this but he could not, and cause I was not in his life for such a long time, I had little merit like his girlfriend had that was there with him, thus to my dismay we ended up growing further and further away from each other. And anything I said to my mom about Diego, or what we are about, or that we are working with Psychologists and Universities, and that we could really be onto something here. My mom would just reply with, “but has he been able to cure his own headaches yet? Does he still smoke?” “What does that have to do with anything? I replied, and no he has not been able to, they still come every now and then but not as frequent or intense as before, and yes he still smokes.” To which my mom responds with, “then what your doing can not be the truth or very effective.” This comment really bothered me. The project is not about healing a person, that’s a side effect that can happen, but there are so many factors it depends. But what is up with her only giving merit if he can heal headaches or reduce pain? I think she resents him because she thinks he is a healer; which he is definitely not, he does not even have an interest to be one. Yet she thinks he just does not want to heal her, or that he is holding out on her, or wants her to suffer or something like that. (Which was actually what my ex Gus did to her.) To Diego there is no such thing as healing, healer, even their were as there are many tricks and placebos out there its still not really going to help in the long run, a person goes from one box to another, the belief in the healer adds to their confusion so there is less clarity. More on dismantling the healers in the next blog. The other thing that bothered me about that comment from my mom was this kind of snide snarky behavior/tone as if she was implying with, ‘well I guess he is not so great or does not have his shit together after all. When Diego can heal his own headaches and mine then I will give validity to you Diego and the project. ‘ I have been into so many different things, and I have tried to share with her all of them. And she was interested in them as long as it was something she wanted to hear but as soon as its not such as the project then she nit picks the project apart trying to find fault in it anyway she can. (I think she does this to keep her feeling safe in her belief in jesus.) So comments like this really put a wedge between my mom, and I it made me sad and to not really want to talk with her. People tell me she is just being protective, but I do not think she is being protective of me but of her own beliefs, and to preserve this non-­‐
rational thinking and so we are always stuck there. My mom is a wonderful person, she is an excellent mother my whole life, I know I am lucky to have the mother I have, and father to, they were both really warm people. But this irrationality of my mom putting beliefs first before me as a person really bothers me. Of course friends also are protective for their friend and of their beliefs. When their friend finds a partner, then they want to see if they approve or if they can at least try to create a connection with that new partner as well, since they are now a big part of your friend’s life. But I was also very nervous for my best friend named Melissa and Diego to talk because Melissa is very Christian more so then my mom. So that is probably why I was putting so many good words about him because I really wanted them to get along; because I knew that they would not, but I hoped so much it would be otherwise. After what had gone down with Katherine and Angela I was even more nervous to think what would happen to my family and best friend when we share this, I was always holding back and anxious yet eager to talk about the project, but I was also worried what would happen to them if I did not share this? I tried to use the link of depression, Melissa was struggling with depression and Diego was interested in and working with people who had depression, maybe he could have her understand some things about it better so as not to be a victim of her depression? Perhaps that could be how they could get to know each other. But the terrible thing about beliefs is that people will only accept assistance in such if it’s tailored to their beliefs, in her case if its not through/from/by god and jesus then no thanks. Which is pretty weird and disturbing when you think of it because it’s very vague and abstract not to mention limiting. Especially if the belief is the problem but they refuse to see it as that, instead they rather see it as the only solution then it becomes a vicious circle. (It reminds me of a famous Homer Simpson quote when he makes ‘a toast to alcohol saying it’s the cause and solution to all of life’s problems’ actually we are the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.) I knew Diego would not let her get away with these beliefs with out inquiring in them like he did with my mom, myself and everyone he talks to. Which concerned me how that would go, how would she take this? I knew she was also on her guard because my ex Gus tried to separate us and keep me from seeing or talking to her, which is a typical thing an abusive partner does and a good way to tell if your in an abusive relationship. They will also try to turn you against the people you’re the closest with or make you too busy or too nervous to want to talk with them. So I was concerned she would think Diego was doing the same especially because she would not be able to laugh and joke so easy without him making her think about what is behind that to. I was distancing myself from them but not because Diego was, psychologically abusive or manipulative like many cut themselves from family and friends for but because I was seeing things differently and trying to process it all. It made me have a like and dislike relationship with the psychological deserted island that Diego had introduced me to in my mind. I was scared to rift even more from the people who were there for me and stuck by me when I was in that relationship with Gus. My gosh I thought to myself, ‘this is sure some way to thank them for all they did and put up with for me. I was always feeling the guilt of the last time I was with my family friends all together they were all celebrating my return. I’m not sure how long they planed it all, only to find I left the very next day, and I have regretting it since. I would often beat myself up for that to wondering how things would have been if I stayed with my family? Its amazing how we can dissect things in our life actions and so on as if there is a court in our head, always looking for reasons justifications to make us feel guilty or bad about our selves especially when we put them all together and remind us of this every time we think, no wonder so many do not like to think. How can we think when all this heavy traffic of thoughts that constantly keep coming up it makes this traffic jam and also often a collision, to the point that one can not get further or past it, so you stay off to the corner crying until you run out of tears. When the crying is out of the way you attempt to think past it all again but there are so many huge vehicles in the way your still stuck so all you can do is observe and access the situation. When you are able to drive again you can not have tunnel vision cause you do not want to see something, we have to be willing to see the whole road. The first time Melissa and Diego first spoke it did not go so well because Melissa decided to start the conversation with, ‘jesus is lord,’ from then on Diego lost all motivation to talk with her so the chat suddenly became very brief. I knew Diego was offended by this statement it was like saying, ‘by the way I love my jailor he is my lord and master, I am a christian do not forget who your talking to. I support and promote the repression and insanity that comes from such a belief.’ It was like talking to a wall and Diego has no interest in talking to anyone or having fun or jokes or anything like that if the person is not willing to talk about their confusion or think out side of their beliefs if they insist on protecting it then good-­‐bye. He felt no obligation to bother to try more attempts of communication. “She is not a christian, she was not born that way, no one is born with their beliefs. It’s forced on them either directly or indirectly in a brainwashing like fashion, a total rape of the mind, from such a young age. Its all they hear and told thus they convince themselves that this is the way to be, there is no other way otherwise your not a good person. Its like the court system in the head but making the judge your religious authority figure in this way its a no win situation; because this authority figure in this case ‘god’ is insane, we created and invented the creator in our confusion and epic psychological pathological fear. We are always told god created nature and everything but it’s not accurate. Nature created itself, it can do that it has been doing that for a long time. A tree recreates itself but can make itself different versions every time. Nature even created us, and we created and invented god. And with that one belief, we have used it to single handedly destroy the planet; because our belief makes us the most important of all, and gives us merit to do what we like, thanks to tales like ‘all will be forgiven, we are saved chosen and more important and special then any other species,’ and its all just for our insane mind inventions. That comes from the same mind that thinks the world is flat and we are the center of the universe, our psychology has not evolved at all. When we are trying to do something from what others told us then we put ourselves in a trap in this case trying to succeed as a good a person for god. When success is our objective of most important to us rather then our own mind and intelligence then we only have 3 options. 1-­‐ you try and fail and get so frustrated you give up, sink in stagnation/depression. 2-­‐ you try and you succeed then you spend your life in fear afraid to lose. 3-­‐ you succeed get the reward the paradise reach the big goals only to find its not at all what you thought like or want but now do not know how to get out of it; so you continue on in that empty existence. Or you are able to get out of it only to sink into another belief and fake identity that leads to emptiness yet again, and some do this their whole life from one thing to another to another, this is why drugs and addictions have become so important to us. It’s always the case no matter what belief or goal we have with out Self Orientation we are always stuck in these 3 categories/limbos that loop back and forth to one or the other.” Diego said. After Diego had that chat with Melissa it really cut me deep but I had a duty to her as a friend after all she was my first and only real long lasting friend. When I met her I did not even know what it meant to be a friend or how to be one, she would teach me what I needed to do. ‘You have to call me and see how I am doing, or what we can do, or cheer each other up,’ she informed me. I had met my friend Melissa just after losing my sister Melissa so I felt it was a sign lose one Melissa gain another. Diego said, “she was not being very honest,” but I had to disagree if there is one thing about Melissa its that she is honest to a fault. I told him how one time she had this really crappy car that was not worth much so it would be great if god could arrange someone to steal her car therefore she would get the insurance and that would be way more then the car is worth. So I suggested she leave the car in an area where it would be most likely to be stolen, to which she said, “No I can not do that, its dishonest.” To which I responded, “right Melissa if you want your car stolen it must be stolen the honest way, yeah that makes sense.” She burst out into laughter from my comment. That’s the kind of relationship we had, I so enjoyed bugging her about her wack christian ideologies, making my case why she is a total Flanders (from the Simpsons) while she would try to poke fun at my spiritual new age ideologies. We used to laugh at our differences/ strange beliefs, and people would wonder how such two total opposite people could be such good friends; in over 10 years of friendship not one fight. I think when we bug a person about something it’s sometimes because we are not comfortable with it but we do not have the courage to really challenge for fear of not being liked. There are so many good memories with her that feel like they are fading, its fascinating to me to see how we can take even a pleasant memory and find a way for it to act like a weapon unto ourselves. But that’s not honesty according to Diego, we are being dishonest when we convince ourselves that something is true does not make it true. My next chat with Melissa was just with her and me and she mostly focused on our chat being about humor and jokes, which though nice was also worrisome to me. It felt like all this she was doing as a distraction from her depression, that I was her anti depressant, as the elephant in the friendship closet got bigger and bigger. Her laughter was of desperation, high-­‐pitched hysterics. I had always suspected but was now more aware of the prison my friend was in. My conditioning/role of a friend was only to go visit her in prison, and play with her, make her laugh, make her forget all about the prison for a brief bit, until it was time for me to go again. I was not really allowed to talk with her about why she is in prison or how to get out, because I was not a christian. So to her I could not possibly understand, nor could I have any real keys to get her out if they were not shaped in the form of christ on the cross. If I said anything to get her to think about these things just a little she would often say, ‘lets agree to disagree.’ I know many use this suggestion when they are being challenged, so as stop the challenge and make it seem like everything is fine and peaceful. Its always been a way for so many to have diffused fights with beliefs and we think it is helping; because it seems to be, ‘ok, that’s your belief, this is mine, though I do not agree, I still respect your truth, so you respect mine. But this is not going to help things its just going to indirectly feed and validate the virus of the belief. To say one agrees to disagree is like a cop-­‐out of thinking more about this, like they refuse to think about this, lets change the subject. It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing because it does not matter which one we select be it agree or disagree, as neither brings about an understanding or clarity. When I refused to agree to disagree she took it as me saying, it’s impossible to commutate with me. I just meant it as a stimulation to say, “no no your not going to get away without talking about that here. Lets go there, lets find out why you keep escaping this and pushing it away?” Because before when ever we would talk about something that she did not agree with or wanted to escape she would say, ‘lets agree to disagree’ and it was frustrating to me. Why can’t we talk about the root issue? Why do we have to skirt around it and just talk about what the friend wants to talk about because it makes them more comfortable? Especially when her belief was the reason she was suffering so much to the point she turned to electro shock therapy. It was all because she was suffering with stupid thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough for god’ and absurdities like that. So she ran herself raged in these thoughts only wanting to hear solutions in her beliefs field, anything else outside of it was, ‘lets agree to disagree.’ But if she understood the problem fully then she would be suffering and she would cease in looking for a solution, as it would no longer be necessary. What do you do when you care about your friend and your friend cares about you but it’s not the same as understanding? Caring is not the same as understanding, as we can care for someone or something but not understand at all and here in lies the problem, so many think to care is what it means to be a friend not to understand. So what did I do? I tried to get her to understand and I did it in a way that seemed to be pretty harsh way like I do with my facebook posts, that were turning people off from me. But I did not do it to be harsh; I did it to try to get her and others to see how dire and serious this was/is. That I was not playing around and perhaps if I shocked and shake her enough it would get her to think, especially if she wanted to still be friends with me. But she took it as if I was insinuating that only I have the solution not your christ, and agree with me if you want to be friends which is not true. I am not saying I have the solution I am saying can we think more about the problem and yes that requires you to think outside of your beliefs, but that’s too scary for a heavy duty christian to do. Its much more easier for her and my mom to think I have gone over to the dark side and have been comprised by Diego. Their counter response was seeing the EOF as a belief system to. In which if I was going to challenge their beliefs, and then they would do the same and challenge the EOF belief system to. (sigh and we are back there again O-­‐o porco dieo.) No matter how I tried to explain EOF is not a belief system and that it is possible to live and think with out beliefs if we could just consider it for a moment. But they refused to consider this, as it was their ace card to justify their beliefs and confirm to themselves that they are right and I am wrong. Even though I did not care about being right or wrong or if they agreed or disagreed just that we could see and understand/think what beliefs are doing to us, to our minds, to our history? I just stayed firm and held my ground and every letter she sent I would respond with another earthquake. I got/get no pleasure from doing this, its not pleasant for me at all, but worse is biting my tongue for fear what others will think about me if I do. It felt like a rock in my gut but what could I do? How could I continue to go on being friends in this way? She wanted to know about my life, but what is the point of explaining it if there is no willingness to understand. Especially when I could feel this wall go up right away when I say something that challenges their beliefs? As this is what the EOF is all about and what I have been immersed in, I had nothing else to talk about, so any conversations with her just became more and more awkward. While she did what she could to bring me back to past to how things used to be. I knew she was talking to my mom they were confiding in each other since they shared the same faith and both saw my extreme changes. I know they saw me as cold and just wanted the old Jessica back, the warm funny, gentle goofy considerate jessica, (but all those facets of me where still there but thinking, questioning and challenging everything came first, it must come first. Otherwise we will lose our attentiveness and find our mind in another limbo.) Their desire to bring back the old Jess made me wonder. Why do we insist on the past all the time, feeling the need to recreate it? Please do not drag me back to the past, its not as good as we like to tell ourselves it is/was either. (My deserted island was becoming more deserted as the voices and thoughts of others that used to affect me were now becoming more faint, I was feeling truly alone. Was that point? I was informed the more psychologically alone we are the less lonely we feel. But I felt more alone then ever, perhaps I was still doing something wrong or missing something?) I do not want the same things they want. I do not want the past back though it’s tempting and sometimes seems nice; I know it’s an illusion. I know all our beliefs gods and deities are just ghosts of the past as well and it all must be seen for what it is if we want live in psychological clarity and experience something totally new. I just wished I could bring my family and friends with me on this amazing uncomfortable journey I was on, and felt so sad that I could not share this with very many. Which is why around this time I decided I would do my best to write a blog about all that has happened to me starting from the very beginning when I first arrived in Bali. Maybe some people would take the time to understand, if not the people who I had always been the closest with? I had written part 1 and part 2 of the Bali blog pretty quickly but after that the blogs started get longer and longer. Maybe one day my family and friends would take the time to read it but would they understand it? How would people who had not met us in person be able to interpret the blogs, would they be able to understand? There has to be someone somewhere, at least I can try and see, that had gone through my journey with me as they read and somehow parallel and relate maybe even come into the blogs as well, much like ‘The Never Ending Story’ movie. They are following my life, not knowing that I am aware of their life and that my story is also their story, we all have the same brain and patterns in the mind of conditioning, so that others who read these blogs they would feel my story/personal journey is speaking directly to them, so they to can assist in preventing the nothing/beliefs from further destroying the world. Do not get me wrong the EOF is not about saving or fixing or escaping the world, we have to face an unpleasant reality that the world is unfixable and we are stuck here but at least if we can have a clear mind then we can reduce the stress, struggle and be able to see the traps from a mile away. Rather then making life harder then it has to be for us, suffering is real but it’s unnecessary. My attempts to explain to Melissa the violence that came from her beliefs and all beliefs just made her laugh, as it sounded so ridiculous to her. I guess in her head she thought that she is not responsible for those things, especially cause she has never done any violent things like that. But she cannot see that it is going on those violent patterns in her psyche. That she is doing that to her mind daily, which is why she suffers with depression and anxiety and no matter what she does it does not go away. Feeling shot down and frustrated about not getting through to her with that statement I tried to get into depression and how we are all depressed, which is actually not true, but I was just so nervous trying to express this to her on a video chat. I knew though I had 2 hours to explain, it would not be enough, especially if she really did not want to understand; if it meant she would have to question her whole faith, whole life, and her whole world. All she knows would tumble, crumble crash down. At least she let me talk for 2 hours straight, then she said her part discounting everything I said and then shifting the conversation to be about I love you, I miss you I am worried about you, I want my friend back. After she poured her heart out to me her face full of tears of things she had been holding in and wanting to say for so long, and when it came time for me to respond. Diego came down to say, “its time to go for lunch.” So I just said, “I have to go now,” in a kind of cold and distant way trying to hide the emotion with a poker face.. I wanted to say 1 million things in that moment. Which made her cry even more that I was not going to respond to anything she said after she gave me all this time and cried so heavily to me at the end, not even with, ‘I love or miss you to, or even when we would talk again,’ as I felt uncomfortable saying any of those things. I know to her it looked like I was insinuating to her is, ‘I’m sorry my boyfriend is saying we have to go, and he is more important then you, there for we must go.’ So I guess to her it seemed like she two was talking to a wall. After the conversation I felt like a shitty friend, I shared with Diego about the chat I had with her and he started to say but what do we mean by, “I love and miss you? What do we love and miss exactly? It’s all just memories and the past yet again is what we really love and miss and cling to the consensus that comes from it. We love and miss a memory but a person is not a memory.” Later on I tried to write Melissa a message expressing all those things Diego and I discussed but she just took it as me being cold and cruel yet again rather then really thinking about what I was saying. It was frustrating because nothing seemed to work; if I was gentle, it did nothing, if I gave her a good shaking it just confirmed suspicions of me that came from her beliefs. I felt like I was in a catch 22 like I was damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I really hated that there seemed to be no solution or way to fix this. I hated wrestling with thoughts, who was I to burst her and others bubbles, who was I to not? It just made me feel sick to my stomach. I really dislike how we are forced to spend our life and time with others conforming to their conditioning. Being trained to know the triggers of what is ok to say and what is not ok to say to them. If you talk about this and say it how they want to hear it then they like you, if not then its not going to work, they will turn on you, we live on fear of this, living our whole life grooming our psyche to exist walking on egg shells. In this way we are controlled and become fake. Sacrificing our intelligence and mind so as to keep others happy and calm and not thinking. If we do want to talk about the things others do not want to talk about because that is where their triggers and red buttons are. They immediately get offensive, as most use it as a reason to make a fight with the person or it gets interpreted that way. Rather then understanding why we make and put up and nurture these red buttons inside us to begin with? Which is what the 4 Myth of Fear Reality episode would have been about, and I do wish that we ended up making that episode as maybe it may help others to understand that as well, but after what happened to Katherine and Angela we decided to put a kibosh to the show. As I sat watching the Mrs. Gogie rabbit in the garden eating flowers I pondered what it means to be a friend. Am I really being a friend giving up on them so quickly just th
because its become so awkward? Could I try harder or should I let it be on them to decide? How can I live with them if they do not want to understand? If we try to help them to understand how can we avoid the idea that we are pushing EOF on them especially when we do not like them pushing their things on us? Does a friend just say nice things and have fun? Is not a friend honest no matter what even if they are not going to like it and it will create hurt, especially when they are already hurting anyway, and hurting themselves on their own with their violent mind? Does a friend use ultimatums? Does a friend nurture their friend’s belief viruses? What does a friend do if they are not aloud to talk about certain things? Let the virus fester inside them or become contaminated with it as well? I really hated this situation I was in especially because it looked like I was choosing Diego over them, but I did not know what else to do. I knew I could not go back to my old life and just pretend nothing ever happened and that I did not have this understanding about confusion and violence. I could not just so easily pick up where we left off like they were so hoping I would do. I knew they hoped this relationship with Diego was just a phase, an experience, something I have to just get out of my system and then I would come back to them. I wanted them to know it was not a phase, and I may never come back, and if I did even for a visit things would definitely not be the same. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to be family? Is the purpose to stay together no matter what even if there is no understanding? No wonder so many are so frustrated and confused from their families. We have this duty and guilt to be a certain way with family and friends; if we break that status quo then it eats away at us. I made the decision to let it eat away at me, because I was suspecting that this to could be a conditioning that was protecting itself and I wanted to get to the bottom of it to, to dismantle that as well. “Mrs. Goge are you struggling cause your not with your family anymore? Do you miss them or do you not care?” How come animals do not struggle or can get over these things so quickly? It we humans are supposed to have the more advanced intelligent brain then why do we struggle like this, over these things, is it natural? Melissa thinks I am just trying to fix her and I need to accept the fact that I cannot fix her and just continue being friends. Granted I have always been the fixer, the helper, its what I have done for such a long time and even made it into my own identity. Its even how I ended up become a spiritual speaker and why I was with my ex, I convinced myself that it was my destiny. This is because I so wanted to help others, but when I found it was not helping I tried to undo the damage to make things right. But that only made them think, ‘well she was not right about the spiritual stuff, so most likely she is not right about the EOF, and she is just turning to it so as to help others again.’ But Melissa does not want to be helped, she does not want to understand, think or question, she just wants her friend. She feels I guess that these two do not go together, like it’s not my place to fix her. And why do I want to fix her so we can be friends? That we cannot be friends if she is not fixed? Then that is pretty discriminating, but I know that is not the reason. I just hate how it looks and can be interpreted by those who are not willing to understand. I guess I am a lot like the character Jack in the show ‘Lost’ but he was not my favorite actually I did not even like him running around trying to fix everyone and making things more worse, I actually found him annoying, my favorite character was Hurly. Even though I have fixing tendencies its not the main motivation to me it comes down to I care about the person, Melissa is not her beliefs. She is not her belief, and the fake identity that goes with-­‐it. I will not accept nurture or allow her beliefs or conditionings to thrive or fester in her if I can help it. What about the responsibility she has with holding onto a belief that is essentially promoting so much violence suffering and death for thousands of years, so she is promoting that indirectly to continue on and the limbo remains? What kind of friend or person would I be to this world if I just let the belief continue doing what it always does especially now being very aware of what they do to a person and a planet? Sigh all that time I spent admiring Diego knowing and seeing what he does and so wanting that as well with him always saying, “are you sure you want that, are you sure you will like it or do you just think you will because the description is not the described? They are very different to do not confuse the two as the same, just like reality and normality are no the same and its disastrous if we get them confused.” Diego would often say, “why do people like that movie ‘The Matrix.’ its terrible what happens when Neo has his awakening and the process of it, then the kind of terrible life they have to live underground. Yet for some reason that inspired people to want to feed the idea to be ‘woken up’ more. That movie inspired more towards the new age and the awakening, trying to make us think it will be pleasant, but it’s not at all. At least though its not like ‘The Matrix’ movie and you have a better understanding of your mind so as not to struggle with so many unnecessary things and all those fake identities/ beliefs that we think are us that create reason to struggle and suffer.” But to Melissa, beliefs are her, and they mean more to her then her own mind to the point that she sacrifices and tortures herself for them, over them, for them everyday of her life. There is no way to get her to realize this. Do I really have to accept that some people are just lost? I could see the vicious cycle of her limbo. If I stay friends with her its like being forced to helplessly watch someone torture themselves and hear about the church they attend where many others are encouraged to do the same and ‘praise god for giving us the free will to do this to ourselves and each other, isn’t he wonderful? We are so blessed what a miracle.’ (sigh groan porco dio) For me honestly I’m not sure I can handle that, but what kind of friend would I be If I just cut her off because she is going through some hard times that she may never get out of? Does a person abandon a friend who becomes an addict and sees their addiction destroying them? Melissa did not abandon me when I was with my abusive ex, so what does that say about me if I abandon her? How can I live with myself? It will make an even bigger wedge between my family to, as they are close with Melissa and so they will resent me even more. Confirming their suspicions about me that I am lost to the dark side. That i do not care anymore about them. By making this decision I could lose my family as well, but if I stayed then I would feel like I am torturing myself while watching them all torturing themselves then wanting consensus for it? Not to mention they will be even more confirm to snub Diego and the EOF project blaming them for everything. It will kill the chances in the future of us all being able to meet up together; That I will have to meet them separately, but I am not sure if I want to do that. I was not ready to go further now nor did I want to talk about these things and The EOF with them anyway perhaps we just need more time? Which was also a scary thought for me because after having so many family members pass away and one be missing you always are reminded and feel pressure to contact them. As you have no idea how long you will have them in your life for. If they die you have that guilt that you should have called more and not let all of life’s complications get in the way, but nor should we put up with it and spend time in dysfunction and confusion until it makes us go comfortably numb and crazy; damn catch 22 again, Porco dio. So I made the very hard decision to terminate my friendship of over 10 years with Melissa, she tried a couple times to revise the friendship but I refused, since then we have not talked in over a year. I stayed in touch with my mom and brother here and there but it was often superficial and very distant which also still brought the awkwardness, but I just wanted to still feel apart of their life and let them know I was still there. And that how it has been until recently when I talked with my mother, she told me how Melissa had come to see her and how much they have bonded in my absence, and how they talk about their fond memories of me and sometimes they even cry together. (As if I was dead or something, I am sorry this is hard for me to write its painful still with all the mixed feelings.) My mom has told me how badly I had hurt Melissa with my words yet she still wants to be friends and holds onto the faith I will come back and how she prays for me. (Great if I come back she will thank her god for that and it will confirm her faith and then she will be even less likely to think outside of it. How would she like if I prayed to the banana tree god or what ever god for her, is this not offensive? And what about the word pray so similar to the word prey as in predator and prey. In Aramaic the word pray means to set up a trap. So when we pray we are setting ourselves up to be prey for the predator of our conditioned beliefs, it’s a trap we set up for our own mind. This made me feel sick to my stomach and I sat torn in this space for a long time, crying often over this.) I wanted to talk to someone who was not Diego about all this, thankfully there were finally people who were starting to understand us and the project, people who had decided to take on the dismantling challenge. So recently as I still struggle with this, I have been thinking why does it have to be so one sided cut and dry does it have to be this way or am I just telling myself this? (I’m stepping out of the time frame of this blog for a brief bit to talk about recent events the date being Nov 2014 as I had a recent realization about this situation that after long internal debate I decided to share in this blog. I talked with one of pioneers about this.) I feel its important to share this because I know others who work with us will come into these challenges and frustrations the same feelings and situations with their friends and family because there is so many early conditionings that start there. I wanted to wait to write things in my blog so that I have a better understanding on now but I am still working on understanding this one and how to live with it. I just decided to share where I am at so far with it. I know I am an example for EOF but I do not want people to think they have to copy me or do what I am doing because that is the right way. I am well aware that people tend to put me on a pedestal thinking they must be like me so I if I do something they must do the same otherwise they are not dismantled enough. This is just an idea and its not true. I have had those thoughts with Diego to, putting him on a pedestal as well, that I have to be like him etc. I do not suggest these ideas to be encouraged, as it can quickly become a belief system as well. I just know that people will come across this situation and see it more so it will be harder to avoid in their own lives. So when the time comes to respond to something like this then others will be able to see various aspects of a situation like this that we may have not seen before; but everyone’s situation is different in this. Just remember what we think or have been conditioned of what it means to be a friend may not necessarily be true, there are many conditionings and traps in this field to that need our attentiveness, lest we find ourselves in even more confusion and frustration when it comes to the people closest in our lives. We can see that maybe its not the person we are that they were in a friendship with but their idea of the person, the picture and the value, so does that mean they really know them or know themselves? Remember the description is not the described. Here is a letter I wrote to one of our EOF Pioneers named Paola, that was helpful in expanding more on this dilemma and frustration I had with this situation with my friend and family. (She has been working with us for over a year a now and has signed up for another year, I will write more about her and how she came into the picture in the next blog.) -­‐I have been struggling with something’s regarding my family and ex best friend. Recently my ex best friend went to visit my mom because she missed me so much.. and they were enjoying each other and how I used to be.. I was so warm and funny then.. Now i guess they see me as cold and, left out but I pushed them to that I guess. They do not know why i do not want to talk with them unless they want to talk about EOF, but not as a belief system or a way to be but just to talk about our confusion and conditioning. I have cut so many out of my life, contrary to what many think its not because of Diego or that he told me to, because he did not, he never tells me to do anything. The reason I cut them out was because I thought this is how I was supposed to be so as to have less confusion in my life. We both know how contagious confusion is and how it spreads and makes like more complicated then it has to be and how much work it is on our own to just deal with our own confusion, let alone adding others confusion to the mix. Its not that I do not care about their problems or do not want to help them but I do know I have to help myself first and understand my problems first, if I expect others to be able to do the same. I do not like that i seem cold to them and harsh that they see it as I gave such an ultimatum like your faith or me, and even if I explained why I did it they would not understand.. Especially not the psychological earth shakes and so on. Its just seen as a mean thing to do and not a good friend and they are good people.. my ex best friend helped me to keep handle the times with my ex boyfriend gus.. even though he treated her terribly.. she did not leave my side.. and now i feel like, or seems like to them I abandoned them because of some guy that they think I think is some god but we both know that is not true; and diego would never let such a belief of him like that survive. My family and friends want to talk with me and for me to share my life and funny things with them that happen on a day to day basis. I wish they were on facebook cause I share it all there, its hard to remember when they ask me in a call I just draw a blank, and i struggle with sharing the things they want because i feel this awkwardness like i could no longer relate to them like it was another life time ago. The thing is, i do not want to cut them off anymore. Even if we can not talk about confusion their confusion my confusion.. it was very disappointing and upsetting for me.. that other people, people that I never met in my life are interested but not the people closest to me. i do miss them.. but i know its missing a memory and so on, but they are good warm people my mom and melissa and i am really crushed that mom and diego did not get along because it hinders me being able to see her and spend time with her in the way i would like to you know. im thinking i just want to make an exception with them even if i can not ever talk to them about EOF and they do not understand or want to especially after what i did and how i have been so distant.. i still would like to talk with them about my life their life and funny things like Diego finally farting (that story for another blog) You know the essentials of life. But this is really why i have been delaying the blog because i know i have to write about how i was with melissa and what i did and it still hurts a lot.. i can not throw away the friendship because she is fully christian and totally unwilling to think. Sometimes it’s so hard to live with myself especially when I think about them, and my facebook posts have greatly upset her which is why she blocked me but the thing about friends with melis u know it was about sticking through thick and thin. when i was struggling so much in lots of shit with my ex we had a saying when i thanked for being there and i said “if there is anyone i would want to have with me to dig into the shit with, it would be you.” My mom and Melissa do not really want to explore EOF or their confusion they see it as a belief and so on that i am going through a phase. You know i have this mission complex in which before when i was a spiritual speaker i was all about saving the world and ignored my family. Most of the time I just thought that the world was more important and more urgent then them and thats how i could help them rather then us having to deal with one bs after another.. i always wanted to get to the root. Now i am with EOF and its still a mission, in which i must undo the mess and confusion i made.. I really hate this mission mind complex and am doing what I can to dismantle it, like Diego always challenges me to do. I used to struggle with the thinking are we to dismantle not just ourselves but our family and friends partners all who are in our life as well, to the point what if we have no one in our life? To just be alone on our psychological island but at least not confused? Is it worth it? I wonder if this is true or just another idea? Is this what we are so afraid of and why we rather stay with dysfunctional people then be alone? It seems to Diego we can come to a point we can be alone not struggle, enjoy it, and be able to find others who are not stuck in their confusion or at least willing to talk about it and think about these things more easily. Like Diego has not really struggled \ finding a partner that’s willing to think. I sometimes fear if diego and I one day part ways would I be able to find someone who wants to talk about these things and think? And what about others you know how hard it is to find people who want to think and understand. And what if diego and I part ways and I have no family and friends to go back to that they want nothing to do with me? I know this is not a way to end fear, fear never ends, the end of fear is just a slogan, there is no end of fear really just an understanding of fear. But we have all this resistance to understanding fear. i really do not like being torn between diego and my old life family and friends. i wonder how much of it is him how he really thinks and how much of it is my idea of him and why i should care of either or? Why should I care what I think diego thinks as if to think its wrong or right or to give a merit to. I know he does not care about this, its not important what he thinks but that I am thinking. He challenges me saying thinking and being rational is questioning, questioning everything, not necessarily being a skeptic as that falls more into the answer category of how we think we should respond to things. Questioning can never become a belief while answers often become beliefs and when we think only through that we are jailed inside. So I have to constantly be attentive to these things to stalk my mind to see why its trying to pass off answers as thinking otherwise it ends up becoming a problem and a box, so many boxes inside the brain a never ending amount to observe and do my best to get out of also I have to be attentive to how I react to them. And its not just Diego its also EOF, you see i feel bad if we can not talk about their beliefs and confusion because then i feel like i am not being a good friend or i am being violent because i have to bite my tongue as I am being violent and repressing myself, just saying what they want to hear or what will make them feel ok with themselves, or not getting them to think thus indirectly encouraging the repression and violence in the world. I can see that how we contribute to that with such thoughts and actions, choices. Its not so much about beliefs either on their own there is nothing wrong with beliefs but its when they possess us and make us irrational then it’s a problem a problem we create. I know for example I create a problem just by knowing when I approach a conversation in this way that it will be uncomfortable and because I know it will be uncomfortable I start to prepare myself react in that way thus making it more uncomfortable and more unpleasant which is also dishonest to ourselves because is that really necessary and soon leads to myself being irrational. Then when i see my friends and family struggling and i always hate having to succumb and bite my tongue but i will have to again.. and that’s violent to so its like a catch 22. And they see me like a doctor who can not stop being a doctor.. You know someone who has to fix everything and everyone.. i always take it upon myself to do this, and i convince myself i can do this to.. Which is why i became a spiritual speaker and why i joined EOF.. These are both huge extremes of fixing. My mom and Melissa say that to use as their way to escape thinking they just want the fun happy pleasant stuff nothing else but EOF is a big part of me and spent all this time mainly only talking about that its not so much about sacrifice but because how can we be friends in confusion just cheering them up visiting them in their prison with out being able to talk about it? Especially with all the things i know and understand now. I did talk to Diego about this but sometimes I avoid talking with him about this cause I want to try figuring things out on my own with out him, I do not want to make him into a crutch after all which is so easy to do. But recently when I talked to him about this he said, “why do i think i need to cut my friend and family out of my life?” His dad is someone who does not understand EOF and never will but that does not mean they stop talking and such. He is a nice guy so they talk about light things and that is all but he cannot stand him for very long. His Russian friend Veronica does not really understand EOF either but she is not irrational struggling for nothing either, so they spend their time joking and its fine. Its not like Diego is only interested in talking to people unless they want to talk about EOF as sometimes he likes to take a break from it to, but the break does not have to be into irrational thinking. It’s not helping anything to a party to that. I am amazed that I made myself believe that diego only wants to talk about the EOF and that’s all. But so you see it was an idea of myself, how I thought I needed to be, and how i thought Diego is, and eof is, or how I think he wants me to be, which now looking at I can see is total crap, so why was that so hard to see before and so easy to see now? (Funny thing is that this is the very thing that sent Melissa over the edge to, when she met a man In college and she tried to make her self into who she thought he wanted her to be so she could be his wife, as she had convinced herself that that was what god wanted from her. Only to find out what she thought this guy wanted from her was not that at all, that it was all inventions and illusions she created and had lost her old self in this way and did not know how to get back. it also brought about a scary thought if she was convincing herself that this guy thought this when he didn’t was she doing the same with god, with her beliefs, her life? So what did god want from her? Was he disappointed with her as a christian and how could she get back in his favor? Is she crazy for losing her mind creating all these fantasy worlds so to have her ideals or live out her ideas of gods plan for her? Why did it not work out that way? What are his plans for her and so on? It created a major mess for her and she has still not been able to recover from it because she was forced to question all her illusions and what she thinks is true what she thinks is reality verses what reality actually was/is.. I think she saw a glimpse of the mass confusion and delusion of her beliefs of what they really are and it scared the shit out of her because her whole family and world exists in this bubble belief and to imagine something outside of it, was too much for her. She likes to pretend she never had those thoughts or that she ever questioned her god the way she did, which is why she needs constant distraction and fun. Here I am doing something similar struggling cause I thought this is how I was to be or how diego was like and what he wanted from me which was not true. Diego encourages me to question all the time, to question him and the EOF so to keep digging and find out for myself, so as to not have fear to question what we base our psychological security on like Melissa has. We are slaves of our psychological security to the point we never find out that psychological security is one of the most nasty violent cruel invention humans ever invented. And yes it brought lots of grief to realize and see these things but it does not scare me from pulling back these illusory layers of this as well so as to have some clarity for once, no matter how attached we have become to our illusions so as to once and for all be able to live with out this dependency and fear to lose psychological security I want to know how to live with out it fully, if its possible. To the point I can laugh at these struggles and stupid thoughts? I can see how they are not true and all the energy I gave to make them true. I can see how i and many others have this habit of doing that, until we are willing to see it and understand why we do it then can it stop making such problems for us in our head and life? Beliefs are not the problem on their own they are harmless but when we convince ourselves they are true and think only through them tying our psychological security to that then we have made this epic historical knot from it that tangles everyone and everything. Its like you have this huge knot that consists of so many little knots and you have to be careful when undoing the knots not to make more, and its tedious work, sometimes it feels never ending undoing every tiny little knot one at a time. Speaking of undoing a knot and coming across another such as now I do not know how to make it up to them or even talk to them about this. its been 2 years of barely hearing from me and when they do hear from me it was coldness and harsh earthquakes because i so badly wanted them to think… i thought if i shook them like i shook others they would think to, but we know the story and how that turned out and yeah it feels terrible because i know how they perceived it or what it looks like. Which discouraged me more because I felt like they would never understand, as it seems they would not be willing to understand. Especially Melissa for her to understand it be such an undoing of all she knows and clings to, its too much for her and she is already so fragile. But I am not asking them to leave their faith behind I am just asking them to think its not that much to ask for, we can think and question things together? If not then I do not think it will work, as that is not a friendship or even a family, no understanding can come from not being able to question things together. So where do I stand on all of this now? I feel better for getting that out and talking about it and as I think more about it, I have decided to try to talk again with my family and my best friend Melissa but it would not be the same as before, nor will I bite my tongue because its unpleasant. I will still always try when I can, if not I do not have to let that bother me. I can still enjoy them, but I will not give them the usual consensus or psychological drugs they are used to getting from me. If they want to still be friends with me then they will have to understand and accept I have changed and not try to guilt trip me to go back to the past with them. I will stay an observer when it comes to them and how I react and get triggered to things they say and do and always challenge why it bothers me and what it really is or what’s behind it. I also know why getting emotional then I lose credibility or an appealing willingness to understand where I am coming from. I am not sure how this will go but I will try and see and keep you posted if anything it will make me into a better communicator rather then shying away from these things only wanted to talk to who is willing to understand, perhaps I need to work on being able to talk to those who are still on the fence. After all others who wish to dismantle will come across this situation as well and will have to figure out how to communicate as well rather then thinking I have to cut them out of my life to be in EOF its simply not true and certainly do not want people to go through what I went through because of this huge misunderstanding. Chapter 18 Diego’s Younger Years-­‐ from Ages 16-­‐27 Diego continued to do well in school, but it was often boring to him, at least it helped him better understand why people were so confused. The education system was taught in a fragmented way in which science was separate art, and so on. Why separate them, set up borders he wondered, won’t that just encourage fragmentation in our ones ability to think as well? Even though Diego was always unique and stood out no one ever bullied him in school, and he managed to have quit a few friends, but most of his friends were girls. Sixteen was the age when he had his first girlfriend. Which then shortly after that led to many more girl-­‐friends. There was a period were he was seeing a different girl once a week or even five girlfriends at once, this was from the ages of 16-­‐18 years old. One time he dated one girl, then the sister then their mother ( I liked to tease him that he moved onto dating the dog and the goldfish in that family as well.) He did not do this in a jerk or a player way as all the girls were aware he was dating various girls; nor did that mean he was sleeping with them all, because he was not. This was due to mainly that sex was not so interesting to him, he was always more interested in communication with the girls. He liked their sensitivity and willingness to talk about things that his male friends just would not want to go there, with out feeling threatened or pride coming up. Females were more willing to think and question so he really appreciated this. The girls appreciated this to, as it’s so rare to find someone that you can really feel safe with and free to talk without the guy wanting something in return. I think this fascinated the girls about Diego, but also made a kind of struggle in them to want to be with him, though often it seemed they were not able to make it work due to all the confusing ideas we are conditioning with when it comes to relationships. Here are some of his experiences. One of his girlfriends he was seeing that he called to speak to one day, Diego found he was instead greeted by her mother who informed Diego that the girl he was calling for would never be coming back home. He later found out that she was on the ferry that collided with another ferryboat, he recently heard about it on the news that it caused both to boats to blow up. At the funeral he saw how much people were struggling with death and loss, to the point it was a competition and a show; in which there are woman who are paid a lot of money to show up and funerals and cry so loud and heavy even going as far as pulling their hair out of their head bleeding. (This actually goes on in Italy I have never heard of such a thing or why exactly anyone would want to pay or this or do this for a living. I guess its just another fine example of confusion.) Diego once dated a girl who was a theater actress who was studying method acting, which resulting in her from not being able to tell the difference between her as a person and her characters. She could sometimes be totally lost to her characters which was interesting and disturbing to Diego, how easy things like this can happen. Another girl that Diego dated left her husband to be with him. He did not suggest her to do this; she just shared with him about her life with her husband. He was not a bad guy he just was very organized to the point that it was built into a very strange way to live. In which every single thing was put on a schedule to be done at this exact time and day for this exact length of time. For example dishes was everyday at 8am and 4:25pm to 4:40pm, sweeping from 4:40pm to 4:55pm and so on. Even sex was scheduled for every Friday from 7pm -­‐ 7:02pm. (I am not kidding he actually only scheduled sex for 2 minutes, how the heck does that work?) Diego was fascinated when talking to this woman trying to understand, how does a person live this way and expect their partner to live the same as well? (I wondered if he scheduled a time to take a shit as well, and what if it takes longer then expected? An anus does not care to obey such absurdities. It would throw off the sacred religion of the schedule.) Of course some time for thinking and questioning was not in the schedule. And what about if you wanted to take a long hot bath and do nothing? there are many things we just can not schedule and plan for or know. There are more important things then worshiping ideologies. This girl just was not aware there was other ways to live until she met Diego, but this relationship did not work out because when she was given the freedom to live with out a strict schedule she pretty much refused and did her best to make herself too busy to think. Its not that all the girls Diego dated were confused, this is just some of the interesting stories and examples that I felt was interesting to share. Most of the girls were willing to think and investigate with him that resulted in being together for many years. Diego mostly saw relationships as opportunities to explore observe and understand the human psyche and its conditioning. He met Azropia when he was about 17/18, one day while camping in the forest on the mountains just north of Venice, she was camping as well; Diego spent lots of time walking and bussing to the forest on his own. He dated Azropia for a bit but it was a lark to them, because they both saw as having a relationship with each other was irrelevant. Azropia especially feels that for her to have relationships is irrelevant; so she does not really date or have any friends, she seems to be pretty much a hermit expect when she has to work. This did not bother Diego as he could also see the irrelevance of having a relationship with her, and besides they do not need to be together physically to have a relationship is what he said. But I do not fully know what that means, I do think its pretty neat to be able to do that and not struggle like most do when it comes to relationships, what with the constant confirmations needed. They do not struggle from being apart at all, as if they are not apart. It would be nice if more people could have relationships that way, I feel it would bring about less drama and unnecessary suffering. Instead there is understanding, clarity and communication outside of confusion, which to me sounds like the ultimate romance. I still do not fully understand their relationship but I find it very interesting, and am now more careful of reading too much into it or mixing it with my new age ideologies. I really do not know much about their relationship or what it was like. I try to be careful not to speculate about it mixing my new age interpretations/conditionings in it. I also do not really know why she is interested in me or what I have to do with her but I am curious to understand more, when ever, if ever that comes about. One clue I was given from him, but it may just be a metaphor. Azropia is something like an architect, much like the one in the movie the matrix, Diego is the destroyer of structures that feeds confusion which seems to be a never ending story. And as for me he referred to me once as the fabricator of the glue, but I am unsure exactly what that means. In Diego’s early 20s his parents divorced, in their relationship it seemed his mother was the abusive one. From what I understand she decided to divorce Diego’s dad, when her father was about to pass away. She did not want his dad to get half the money of inheritance so she timed the divorce to accomplish it before his death. But she needed a reason to divorce him, so she tried to say he was cheating on her and she tried to prove this by planting condoms in an obvious ridiculous way that was so clear she planted them there. Diego’s dad always took so much bs from his mom. He was barely around most of Diego’s childhood due to working 3 jobs to keep his mom happy, but it was never enough; and they did not even need the money, she had lots, she just kept pressuring him expecting him to do it otherwise she would see him as a loser. (She did the same thing with Diego’s brother, he had to work a terrible job that he hated to pay rent that she did not need, the brother never questioned this just lived in misery afraid to disobey his mom, like a good slave/mammas boy.) His dad tried so hard to please her but she was always so cold to him, they had not been intimate, or kissed or even held hands in years. When Diego asked his dad why he put up with her behavior for so long, his dad just said he had hope she would change and besides this is what a man does when he is in love. This made no sense to Diego, how can his father enslave himself by hope letting her use and abuse him on an idea that was simply not reality? How long must a person put up with this before they snap out of it? Sadly it’s often too many years. Diego was not sad at all by the divorce he never understood how they got together, and had kids to begin with, or why his dad stayed together with her for as long as he did, especially with all the verbal fighting every single day about nothing. But his mother did not stop there, she tried to make it so his father would be mad at her so he would retaliate, so she could have more evidence to try to convince the judge. She attempted to do this by not letting him stay in the house even though it had 40 rooms she was not willing to let him stay in any of them, but the judge did not allow this, so his dad did end up getting to stay in one room, but then she went and made it so he could not use the bathroom in the house somehow. So if he had to go to the toilet even if it was in the middle of the night he had to go somewhere else, fortunately there was a bar down the road that was open 24/7 that he was allowed to use. Diego really did not like the cruel, petty abuse from his mom, all the terrible things she tried to do his dad, so as to have control. But for all that she did to his dad, he never retaliated or anything, like she hoped to accomplish. However he was slowly starting to see the bubble he was living in by holding onto the idea of trying to please a woman that it was not possible to please. So after the long grueling sobering divorce, Diego witnessed his dad come to life, for the first time. His dad started to do all the things he was never able to do because she never allowed him to, he became liberated, and ended up dating a couple of woman before he found one that he was compatible with, apparently very similar, she does not treat him like a slave, and life is a lot more pleasant for his dad. During the time of the divorce though Diego was finishing up high school and then went to University, where he stayed temporarily there as well; where he studied Political Science and Sociology. I think Diego was curious about University that if he went there perhaps he could find out if confusion was studied or considered there, or at least why its not in school. He did pretty well in Uni as well, where as I did not even finish high school and have never gone to college or Uni, to me it’s like an alien world. I rarely passed a test in school, and was always day-­‐dreaming. I really did not like to be tested or on the spot. Of course cause of this I was told I was stupid, but its fine others told me, especially society, ‘you do not need to think if you’re a young female that is considered attractive, just smile and get everything for free.’ Diego wanted to have a better idea of how ones psychology is shaped for the working world to, the ingraining of identities in the students head. He wondered why does school encourage fragmented thinking? Why can’t psychology math art history and science all be taught together at the same time to see how they can be complimentary, reflecting the relationship with the relationship of our psyche? There is no need for these subjects and facets of the mind to be estranged from each other. We even fragment our mind and heart separated them making one better then the other, creating a mini war and struggle there to, should not those two be working together with our psychological politics and walls? The heart has this mythology that its more important then the mind but its just an organ a pump. University has some professors treated like gurus, they are praised and worshiped for everything they say by the students, and the students are so eager to regurgitate and repeat to impress the professor, nothing else is more important but to be a clone copy of their mind, whereas the students own mind seems to be irrelevant. In school the grade and identity is more important then the understanding. Then there are professors who are really interested in the students that earnestly want them to think on their own but the system does not allow for such, and sooner or later walls are hit. Professors can only do so much with out losing their job, whilst being in a system that suggests otherwise. It seemed school was not interested in the mind, or thinking as much as it was to create cogs for the system, prepped to be used until there is nothing left of a person but to retire and witness the mind fade away then die. Is this life, how can we be fooled to think it is? Are we really to just pick a subject that we fancy so as to form our ideal identity? To the point a person can not tell who they are anymore, lost to this identity and status given to them, that when something happens where if they lose their job or can not be this identity anymore that its enough for one to kill themselves? How can one think and get lost to what they do thinking its them, claiming their identity till they cannot remember the free mind they used to have? To be confined by no identity of any kind, where the pleasure to just be a thinker was enough; where we only learn what to think rather then how to think. School tends to keep one busy to even think let alone understand, its just focused on learning and getting the marks, while being kept in constant stress and pressure to keep up, which is good training ground for the work world where the fear stress and pressure would be intensified. But how can we ever be expected to do a good job while under stress? It’s a wonder we fight this mysterious war on terrorism but if we were to understand it the way it works is when one is forced to do something they do not really want to do because if they do not meet the insane demands the fear of something bad will happen to them or people they care about. Now if we look at our world our systems of beliefs, seem to be based off of the same principals as terrorism. In school we are forced to get good marks if we do not we will be a looser, and we will not be able to feed our family or ourselves. Same thing with our job forced to do a job we do not like if we do not do it and do it well despite how your treated and abused there because if you don’t deliver then you and your family will starve and you will be a nobody maybe even homeless. Religion if you do not go to church, believe, worship, do as your beliefs says then your going to go to hell, or live a kind of hell, or be in low vibration your whole life. But how can we expect to understand under such stress, pressure and have clarity, especially when the brain becomes greatly stagnated with these elements. Though when we are playing and exploring the mind is much more expanded and is able to receive and assimilate so much more then it usually does. Diego had always had the idea of The EOF project in his head ever since he was very young, he always carried the thought of a place that exists if not with out confusion then where people could inquire about their confusion outside of their beliefs. Are there are others out there in this world this universe that feel and desire the same? To have a place one can go to think, explore and talk about this things with others who were just as concerned and fascinated about confusion, or was he the only one? While he was at Uni he was given an opportunity to be in charge and run an art center at the school and this was Diego’s first chance to have this art center be a space, place to try out his EOF concept. It actually proved to do quit well, the art students felt a kind of liberation to be able to talk and think about things they were not allowed to or were too busy to consider, but here they were free to do just that and mix it with their art. Discussing, and thinking about thinking even dismantling happened spontaneously and Diego was thrilled to witness the flowering when one is given the opportunity and space to explore the vast recesses of the mind out side of conditioning and authority. There were however some people who were there that were not willing to understand, they just saw this art center as a place to hang out, stone out, and make parties, that resulted in the place being trashed thus distracting the others, confusion can be so contagious. To which Diego was firm with these disruptors informing them this was not a place to make a mess of with escapism and such thoughtlessness. After that no crazy parties were thrown and everything was fine again , until a few months later where Diego was informed that the art center was going to be shut down due to lack of funding for the school so some centers would be cut unless he could find a way to come up with the funding on his own. Diego made an attempt to go to a charity event to see if he could get some funding from the Red Cross that were holding an event near by. But this idea did not end up working because when he talked with the representatives of the Red Cross he felt this kind of arrogance, as they pretended to be better then everyone because of the work they have done. As if they were indicating ‘who are you and what have you done? Your not as important as me so I do not have to talk to you.’ Diego observed that funding support from them would come from kissing their ass, which was something he refused to do, so with that decision made, shortly after the art center and pre EOF Project concept was closed down. A few months later Diego had to write his thesis so as to graduate with a degree, but to everyone’s shock he refused to write it. His mother and teachers were baffled and they said to him ‘but this is the purpose of University they said to get that paper so to be someone.’ Well its not my purpose or important to me, I went to understand the education system I’m not interested in the paper that says I am now someone either, I am a thinker not what a piece of paper tells me I am, and I do not need it. Besides what is the point of getting a degree then using it to do something very different and challenge the education system only to be threatened and have my degree stripped from me, no thanks I will figure this out on my own terms. After university Diego was supposed to join the military for training as per the Italian law, he did not want to do this at all, so he looked for other options to avoid military training. The only other alternative was community service, which is completely random where one could end up being, from the local library to something in the middle of nowhere. Diego and some other young men ended up getting selected for a tame mental institution. They all bonded right away and became fast friends. This mental institution job was not bad at all, working with his buddies and observing subtle mental instability of people. While there Diego met a nurse that he decided to date, she was a mess but Diego wanted to do a kind of experiment, as he had not really dated a girl that was fully confused, he had mostly been with partially confused girls. He wanted to see if it was possible to establish an understanding and dismantling of confusion with an extreme case such as her. It proved to be very challenging she was constantly making fights out of the most curious thing such as where the ashtray was, the most smallest most insignificant things always somehow became an issue. This girl’s background was very religious, her parents did not like Diego at all, aside from him wearing black, and they were even more upset with him when they said to him if you want to date our daughter you must marry her first. He said he had no intention of marrying their daughter or anyone, then they tried to buy Diego off but he declined. They forbid their daughter to see Diego but she snuck out and moved in with him. Still the fights continued, and it seemed she was not able or willing to understand, that she just wanted to protect her patterns, still Diego tried to work with her. Meanwhile her father was working on trying to build some evidence to take Diego to court, saying he was evil; his evidence to the judge was Diego’s black attire, a drawing of strange creature Diego drew, and a stuffed dragon, to which the judge said sir it seems you have an issue not this young man. Shortly after that Diego decided to break up with this girl, as it seemed she was not willing to budge in her confusion and the fights had not subsided at all, plus her father kept trying to make trouble and it all just was not worth it to continue the experiment. Meanwhile back at the mental ward things were going well with him and his friends, with him no longer seeing this girl he was free spend time with them. The room that Diego and his friends shared was a simple small crappy depressing room, it did not even have windows, so they decided to make the room more dynamic by putting up some pictures from a book they found of a famous artist named ‘Bosch.’ His work is really fantastic and intelligent, complex, this artist really was ahead of his time, even having space men and he was living in the year of 14/1500’s he is just incredible his imagination and visionaryness. One day while Diego and his friends were doing their rounds at the mental ward hanging out the cops stormed in and handcuffed and arrested them all. They were brought to the police station where it was revealed why they were arrested. A stupid janitor that was highly religious, when he came into their room to clean it and he saw the Bosch pictures, his imagination ran away with him, he started to freak out and looking under the bed he thought he saw something that looked like a severed chickens foot, he ran out and called the police, thinking they were doing black magic. When the police investigated the room they found it was not a chicken foot at all but just some garbage, so the cops saw they arrested the boys for nothing and all of them were released. Except they decided just in case there was some truth to what the janitor said that they should do something, such as the saying goes, ‘to cut the head of the snake,’ which means they decided to single out the leader or the one who was the most strange, which was Diego because of his black clothes. (The poor guy has had to endure so much discrimination because he likes to wear black, and surprisingly that has not deterred him from stopping from wearing that color.) Diego was transferred to carry out the rest of his community service at another mental institution a more severe and intense one that was way on the other side of where his friends were. This mental ward was for patients who were born mentally ill and this place from what Diego has shared with me really sounds like a living hell, something terrible for poor young inexperienced boys to endure. The nurses did not seem to be very experienced either, they were mostly hiding out smoking weed, while Diego was left to try to tend to the patients to just do his job so as to get it over with, he had to do a good job or he could be arrested by the military. He did his best to carry out his tasks this proved to be a massive challenge becase the patients were always yelling and throwing stuff, if he fell asleep the patients would spit on him, puke on him, even pee and poo on him. Sometimes they would slap or punch or try to bite him. Diego witnessed a girl that was in her 40s that was raised since very little after it was clear to her parents she was mentally disabled, so she was kept in a barn with cows, so she thought she was a cow, even walking on all 4 legs mooing like a cow. Another patient a really large overweight guy in his 30s needed to be turned over in his bed and have his giant diaper changed. He was very violent to so working with him was always difficult. One time while he was tending to him with some other nurses, as they all were trying to move him when he suddenly died and the nurses all freaked out and ran away. Leaving Diego with over 400 lbs. dead weight all on top of him, all by himself trying to free himself from this dead body. If that was not bad enough after experiencing something like that, when the mother of the patient found out her son had passed away she blamed Diego for his death. It was clear to Diego that the parents were just as or even crazier then the patients. The room he was kept in this time was the smallest room he had ever seen, it did not even have a bathroom. If he needed to use the bathroom it was located at the other end of the hall. This would have not been so bad if he was not in such a terrible area of old crazy people that came out of the room to attack him every time he went to the bathroom. He had to try to get past and avoid over 20 patients that where trying to hit and bite him. Diego said it was just like a zombie movie, it was just terrible to have to put up with, it was beyond unbearable for anyone to be able to handle. He had to be alert, attentive and observant even in the middle of the night when he need to use the washroom. It did not matter what time of the day or night it was as soon as he left the room the patients knew and they all went after him. When he made it to the bathroom he had to quickly slam and lock the door as they were banging and clawing at the door, he had to sit and wait in the bathroom until the zombies had all left, then he had to run to other side of the hall where the whole terrible thing was repeating and back to his room where they were banging scratching his door to again, sometimes it would be hours till they would calm down and leave him to be able to get some much needed sleep. What could Diego do? He could not complain about what he was enduring there because if you do you’re arrested. He had to stay and finish the year before he could be relieved from his community service. He did not have the option to drive to his home and back as it was too far away, you have to have money to make the drive, and your not paid for the community service and not allowed to work either. And if one could afford to do the arduous drive back and forth the young men that often ended up dying in car accidents, because the work was so grueling and it was near impossible to be able to sleep in such a place so the amount of community service workers that died at the wheel was 5/7 of the workers. Diego decided he was not going to risk the drive, but he sure as heck was not going to sleep in that room and deal with the zombies every time he had to use the washroom either. So he decided to make a hole in the yard of the center behind a bush that would allow him to walk stealthily across the other side of the center where his friends were. He did this every night and morning at the end and beginning of his shift. If he was caught he would have gone to jail, but he decided to risk it. He did this for many months with out being caught once, thankfully. At the end of his period of his community service Diego was informed that the patients he was working with in that zombie center, almost all of them had either aids, or hepatitis A,B and C, so the poor young men who got bitten by these crazy people were infected, luckily Diego somehow managed to avoid being bitten by them all, and was even able to move quick enough so as to dodge the spit pee pooh attacks from them as well. On the last day of staying at the mental institution Diego and his buddies decided to leave a present for the janitor that arrested them and sent Diego to that hell. They went out into the field used a syringe to extract some cow shit, then they bought a big cake and filled the cake with the cow shit and then wired it to a tiny explosive that would be activated when the door was opened by him, which would make the cake have a mini explosion enough to cover the janitor and the whole room with caca, as to say fuck you, fuck this place I’m out of here, I’m never coming back and there is not a thing you can do about it, and porco dio to you to. Chapter 19 Our Relationships with Relationships The more I explored dismantling the more I started to notice that often the problem was not the problem we think but its actually our relationship with the relationship, such as the relationship with the problem, or how we interpret/decode it, and it can be even more of a mess when we mix identity into it as well. This is a common thing that we often do that makes the problem worse. Here is how I found out more about this and how it works, so as to give you a better in this chapter. a) Period I was still trying to figure out so many things, digging more into myself, and observing Diego and his ways of understanding existential fears. The more I dug into myself the more fears and confusion I found, and it certainly did not help when I would get my period. I never really had any health problems, my whole life I have been pretty healthy, but when I get my period it does not matter how well things were going with Diego and I, it would be like a Switch was flipped inside me. And it made me wonder how many women live in fear of their period? They live 3 weeks of the month in a more comfortable state but when that time comes everything changes. Even the woman changes she feels like Dr. Jekle Mrs. Hyde kind of thing. For some woman, like me, for example find their body is in pain, you can not move as much, your extremely tired and irritable, everything makes you want to cry over the most ridiculous things; such as one time a girl told me on her period she cried when she found in her fridge one lonely bean in a can. Aside from painful cramps in which I cannot really do anything but lay in bed and cry or feel sorry for myself. It was always like this for the first few days my emotions would fluctuate like a roller coaster. This led to me scrambling to find some meaning inside myself so as to have an excuse to fight with Diego, this would drain him and even result in causing a headache for him and I would feel guilty about that to. Other times I would expect sympathy for this behavior because after all its that time of the month, and he should feel sorry for me, and be more attentive to my needs otherwise I would feel even more like crap. I would even resent him, as he does not have to deal with this every month, what does he know, he talks about understanding but this is something he can not understand unless he is a woman. I was upset how these times I would turn into terrible fights, or find reasons to cry and freak out feeding silly speculations and conspiracy theories about him not caring about me and so on in my head. This would make me even more upset with myself, because he would not heal me, as I thought he could heal me and should otherwise he does not care about me. (Hmm sounds familiar, ah I am more influenced by my mother then I think-­‐ I am shaking my fist and saying Damn you osmosis in my head right now.) “I am no healer, please stop seeing me in this way or putting me on some pedestal, besides healing does not equal understanding,” was always Diego’s response to that. I did know this but damn it, it was not enough, the patterns are stronger then the knowing. Contrary of what we think all the answers and knowing in the world will not decrease the pain and suffering or can ever equal understanding. So he would then say something like, “when there is understanding to the pain and where it is coming from (psychologically not energetically or named reasons, such as because of my past and so on) then sometimes this can make the body regenerate and repair its self on its own naturally, like it so often does. If the mind is confused then the body and its relationship and communication with the mind can be confused as well. This is why most often our illnesses are psychosomatic. So if I really wanted to find out for myself I to could do this if I was willing to dig enough, but I was getting tired of digging, and I was offended that he dared to say my period pain was psychosomatic as if its all in my head cause the pain is very real. This idea that it is all in my head is as infuriating as hearing ‘its your karma’ ‘you created and chose this’ BS. Do we really imagine and convince ourselves to the point we actually experience it? Is realizing that enough to stop it and just sending energy/love/light is enough to stop it? “Not quite Diego said, it is more complex then that, convincing our-­‐selves for a long time of such things can become a pattern that becomes hard to break. There is no magic remedy or healing modality, positive affirmations to fix this completely. Especially if our mind is confused and promoting encouraging the pattern in the form of placebo, or if we are looking for a reason, excuse/story to believe, so as to have a purpose, an identity and some meaning in our life, and so if we do manage to heal it, then what? Its awfully convenient that its often always partial or temporary healing so to go back to the healer and do spiritual practices in hopes it will make us fully better but the healing is often temporary and has nasty dangerous side effects. Plus it often comes back, or shows up in a different form.” Such as a cancer that seems to be healed that comes back 10 times worse claiming the persons life. “So Diego do you mean to tell me if your suffering you would not want someone to heal you?” “No, I am not interested in healing I am interested in understanding.. Understanding is not healing they are the total opposites. Jess don’t you think it’s funny how you do not like conspiracies going on in the world, but you do not see how you yourself are making a conspiracy with your own period pain? Can you not see how the very pursuit and desire to be healed rather then understand can also make things worse?” We do not even understand our own mind, we run our whole life on illusions such as psychological security and we never once bother to question it. He replied Do beliefs really make it worse I thought they were to be the answer solution that helps and heals? ‘Just believe yourself better and you will be etc.’ This is so backwards. I did not want to get lost in all these other inquiries, I just wanted to understand why I have such pain and torment at that time and if I really was making it worse then it actually was, how come I was not aware of this, how could I not know this? It was worth investigating and finding out more. But there were so many frustrations in the way of me being able to see the thought behind the thought I was stuck on the surface of it. I was upset that I was one of the few woman that happen to suffer from painful periods while many other girls have no problems or struggles hardly at all during this time, so I was often stuck in the, ‘why me mentality.’ Diego just approached this with, “why do human woman have to struggle so much during their period the way they do? Why do they suffer when it happens? Animals do not suffer/struggle or even bleed much during that time. I wonder if a contributing factor to this is because of woman’s repressed deep seeded relationship to religious ideologies that makes them suffers in this way? Are female animals conditioned to think they should have shame and are to blame for the repression and wrath from a god and people that hold a forever grudge? No because when we think of it in that way we can see how ridiculous it is, but when it comes to humans we believe it so strongly that we self punish ourselves with it. Can we understand this suffering and our relationship to it or should we continue to feed it so as to prolong it?” “But I am not religious so how can I be affected of bad period pain for something I am not even subscribed to?” I responded. “It does not matter even if one is raised an atheist they still have religious thinking. A person may not be religious: but think that the man must come first in a relationship, or to have a mission, or to sacrifice themselves for their family, or feel like they need a purpose, or find meaning, to be special important, to strive to be master so to have slaves, to please others, all this comes from religious thinking and that is only a tiny bit, we would be shocked to know just how much our mind is dominated by religious thinking. It acts as an authority figure and makes a mess of our life. Russia is a good example, its not religious, its all about socialism there and the result (Stalin) there has been a huge amount of blood shed of millions of people. So religion in itself is not the problem it’s the thoughts behind religion that make sure patterns and confusion our psychological authority. It’s the relationship with our beliefs when we make them into an ideal so as to possess our minds and think for us, which will always lead to violence. If we can see it then we will not be at the mercy of our mind. See if you can think about how many things in your mind that is actually religious thoughts thinking for you, that your not aware of, how many things are you not able to see, how many things are you not thinking?” He then said something that really got me thinking, in a way that I had not considered before. It came about when I was in pain with my cramps and I said, “don’t you care that I am suffering? Do you know what this pain feels like, to feel these huge waves of cramps that come and go, one minute your fine and the next your not, as if thousands of knives are stabbing your gut? Can you imagine what its like to be a woman having to deal with this? To be in fear of the pain, to be in fear of that time of the month not knowing what kind shame of damage, or fight, or problem, we will make next? To the point it makes you resent being a woman. Especially if your dismantling and you feel to be making so much progress and just when you think your getting it your period comes and boom you undo all you have done, as if stepping on a snakes head in the board game snakes and ladders and you find yourself back at the beginning, only to have to start all over again. It makes you want to fall into apathy because you wonder if you will ever be able to dismantle, if your cut out to do it. As your mind is a scrambled you’re so sensitive you cry over anything, while bleeding all the while, and on top of that your in agony and can not do anything, just pass the time. You feel useless, unwanted and in the way. Its like you go from being a calm ocean to an intense stormy ocean inside. You’re a walking contradiction, you want to be left alone, and yet you want to be held. ‘Leave me alone, no come back, no leave me alone, which results in confusion and exhaustion that makes you collapse in tears of more frustration and anger. It’s as if you’re being punished for something you did not do, like you have been framed, and you have all this shame, guilt and anger. The shame I think that’s what is at the root of the period pain, and all this guilt, of all the people and things that we pushed away or that we start to believe and convince ourselves that there is something wrong with us; it all stacks up, accumulate only to have it all come up and out during your period time, like this emotional vomit or volcanic eruption. Having to live inside yourselves, but not able to handle it at the same time, as if you want to run out of your skin and your mind. That is why we do what we can to pass the time rather then understand this time in our lives. I wonder if this is it really us, or a collective belief system with all of its historical collective woman’s guilt, shame and pain yet again? How do you break the patterns of old? Why is that time of the month only more intense for some and not others? There are many women that have easy light periods and other woman get intense life crippling periods. How are we to over come this? How are we to understand this, when the collective shame inertia is so heavy and squishing down on us, and everything we say and do in that time does not come out right? But maybe it is just a bad habit that needs to be broken lest the next generation be given yet another thing to figure out and deal with just add it to the pile. What can a woman do in this time to not be so much at the mercy of her bloody moon time? In the past and currently in some places of the world woman were/are sent away, or not able to enter temples during this time. With all the BS its no wonder woman have developed this time in which why can not suppress it anymore and why they often take it out on the man they are closest to; or anyone living with them, and then more so on themselves feeling more guilt and shame knowing the behavior is not ok. But they just do not know or fully understand how they can fly off the handle, its just terrible.” Diego’s response was, “I know its painful for you, I can see that it’s a hard time for you but if I give you consensus at this time then it could become worse. You would depend on my comfort and it would become a drug to encourage you to expect such pain every month so as to get that comfort.” Wait what? That does not make sense Diego. What are you talking about?” “You have had this pain for a while now, to the point that you are scared of your period, you’re scared of the pain, and yet you expect the pain and what you can get from it, you react to it a certain way every-­‐time as if going into a routine. You expect to feel pain every-­‐time so you convince yourself of this, its all memory, if you lost your memory I wonder if you would even have period pain? It’s the same as a person who is depressed. When they are sleeping, are they depressed? No, they are not depressed when they are sleeping; they also have no identity or beliefs either. But what happens when that person awakens? All the thoughts and memories come rushing back like a waterfall, like an update on everything, a reminder of where you left off. Like a private personal newspaper about our life and thoughts, all the ideas and conditionings on which we think we are and so on. So the people reconditions themselves with the virus software every morning and believes these thoughts and memories fully, they never think to question or think out side of them, so they become a self fulfilling prophesy to it. Believing and remembering is not thinking, and its not like one can just chose to not believe in those thoughts, or to just believe/convince themselves that they are perfectly healthy, and expect it to go away like the silly new age suggests, because that does not bring about an understanding of the pattern and what we are doing exactly. So a depressed person wakes up and gets reminded of their depression they tie that into their identity and boom they spend the rest of that day acting and reacting their ideas of depression, what it means to them and what they can get from it, past experiences and patterns not to mention relying on memories that may not be even accurate, but its how we tell ourselves it went over and over. After a while the person wakes up and just expects to be depressed because they have been that way for so long they do not know any other way. They never inquired into the relationship and their own perception of their depression so it acts like this mysterious disease to them that turns them into a victim of their depression and not an observer. If the depressed person lost their memory do you think they would still have depression? No they would not, that indicates that its not a disease but a problem with the relationship we are having with memory mixed with identity and beliefs. So I ask you this how much of that pain is actual physical pain, and how much of it is psychosomatic and memory? Can you see how you use the past as a justification confirmation and an encouragement to insure you have pain during that time? If you were to be able to see that could it be possible to dismantle it, then perhaps you may be able to suffer less?” “So your just telling me I can just observe the pain and it will go away magically, that sounds very new agey to me not to mention that it sounds like I am creating this.” I said. ‘Please I am not saying you created this reality, because if you think about its absolutely ridiculous, we do not create reality. Reality creates itself, but we do nurture, encourage and create our confusion. The new age does not promote understanding or attentiveness it’s more so about just blindly believing and having faith which only creates more confusion not clarity. I think I better explain observing a bit more. I guess when people here the word observing they think it means watch, like watch/observe a soap opera or a train wreck but watching is not action so its seems useless. If we watch a soap opera and get sucked in thinking this is the way to be and think then that is not observing. I am not saying we should not watch the soap opera because it is stupid. We can watch tv, but as an observer a scientist of confusion seeing how it works. So if we can watch a soap opera and see the confusion and how ridiculous it is, how it hooks our mind, tries to convince us of so many illusions, tries to distract us, or think for us, and so on then we are observing. Memory on your computer is just a data file, is the data file the most important part of the computer? Does your computer run and operate through its data file? No it does not, so why when it comes to our brain, which is also a computer that we use our memory our data file to think for us? Imagine the problems and confusion that would come if our computer mainly functions through the data file then you can better understand psychological confusion. There is also a preconceived belief we have when we go to look at or even think of our data file, in that we look at it as a sad thing, because it’s a memory of times lost or something to suffer for because that time is no longer here. This is the relationship we should inquire in, the relationship of the preconceived ideas of the past, of our memories that we use to self condition ourselves everyday. When we were kids we did not use our past and our memories as a weapon on ourselves. Can we see this? If we can not see it then every thought afterwards will be nothing more but a translated interpretation description, convincing ourselves that this is reality and true, but never forget the description is not the described. If we are not attentive to this fact then we will continue to bring about unnecessary suffering in our mind life and the world, as everything that goes on the mind gets projected in the world. We can yell at the movie screen but that is not going to make the movie stop or change, if we are not attentive and observing of the projection room more so then the screen. In the case of your period, the pain does not go away magically, but it can be significantly decreased in time, rather then be numbed or suckling on a belief. Consider also how your period gives you a kind of liberation such as the right to be upset and make fights blaming it on your period as if its an excuse to make it ok, so in this way as much as you dread your period you also need it so to not be responsible thinking your at the mercy of some machine as you have made it into your identity. I’m sorry its not true as long as you believe that it will think for you controlling you, until you can see how this works. It is best to observe before your period comes, to be attentive to all the movement in the mind all that you’re expecting and reacting to.” I hated how he made it seem so easy, I was really doubtful that it could work, but like I said it got me thinking and wondering what if that was true and that was all I had to do. In further investigation of many periods, I noticed that 80% of my discomfort during those times was indeed psychosomatic and memories. Reliving a memory of being in pain does make it worse, its even more actually more painful then something we are experiencing in the present so if we mix it with the past then it only intensifies the experience. Also I could see how consensus from Diego or others increase and encouraged the psychosomatic tendencies, I was surprised I was not aware of this, how did I miss this all this time? ‘Suffering is real but it’s not necessary’ is something I heard Diego often say. The amount I manipulated and deceived myself especially during that time was staggering. Could it really be that my memory was making the pain worse then it was? It made me wonder how many other things was I manipulating myself about? I would soon find out just how much I was manipulating myself, this is a big part of the dismantling process is the observation, realization understanding of this and how it works so as to encourage irrationality and unnecessary suffering. Diego has told me he has his period to sometimes in which time where you just need to retreat inside yourself cause your more sensitive and irritable then usual. But its not an excuse or time to suffer, since the brain seems to be in a sort of buffering mode so it does not work so well, its just a time to do nothing until the buffering process is complete. “Do you think a woman’s period time is gross Diego?” I think woman are even grossed out about their own period, also because they know others think its gross especially men, though we know its natural, I do think the guilt and shame is linked to a conditioning of disgust to ourselves during that time. Diego’s response to this was, “no I do not find it gross. I am actually more curious about it on how and why does the period really affect women the way it does?” I do not find period gross but you have an opinion that you convince yourself is fact so you do not bother to think or ask questions or find out for yourself, you often as the question when your upset and can not keep it bottled up anymore, which no matter what I say will be shaped in your view, so your sure your right, and that’s enough reason to make a fight. Then you say you do not like to fight but then you justify the fight is valid and to make your illusion opinion a fact, which is self manipulation, looking to see only what you want to further convince yourself. Its self-­‐manipulation realize it, Is being right and defending that belief worth it? Is it worth the never-­‐ending story of continuing fights for nothing? In fighting their can be no understanding and no clear sight, how can we be a detective to know what is really going on then? It made me think if I to can look at it like a detective then it takes me out of being a victim of it and into an observer of it. The more I become aware of all these things and these thoughts and really thought about them. I have been very surprised to find the more I understood about self manipulation and how much psychosomatic tendencies, and religious imprinting had to do with it the more slowly, slowly, my period pain both physical and psychological decreased in its intensity. (I am getting ahead of myself as I did not really see a decrease and less intensity until Aug 2014, which is a year from the time I am writing in. So I jumped out of the time frame of this blog again.) One of the main important things about EOF is to not be a follower of any ideologies but to be a willing and able to see our own confusion, to observe it, question it, talk about it so as to be a detective of it. If we can become fascinated by it, because when you really get into it, it is fascinating then your no longer a victim of the thoughts and your past dysfunctional relationships with the thoughts, but an observer and the more one observes the more one understands. The more one understands the more knots get undone, dismantling happens more spontaneously and old patterns do not effect you as much as they used to. There is no longer a need to find solutions as if we understand the problem there becomes no need for any solutions, remedies, healings, lotions and potions. When we understand not all the pain goes away but it also does not effect us like it did before, and we also tend to know exactly what to do with it. Which is to use it as fertilizer in our psychological private island that will grow into an understanding so strong that it will nourish clarity in the mind and reduce the weeds of confusion to the point they cannot grow anymore, instead just pure curiosity, which can lead to humor. Take Diego for example his curiously can make me laugh so much, its just so unexpected and rather adorable. While I was writing about these things outside on our front porch Diego came down for a cigarette or so I thought, no instead he had something on his mind. “Excuse me, he said, in his usual polite calm way, but can I ask you a question?” “Yes, I said, go ahead.” “ But what is this?” In his hands he showed me an object that made me turn red right away. “Uhmm, I said, well… uhmm… First of all I can not believe your even touching it.” I was even surprised he found it I thought I hid it pretty well; it was on a desk off to the side of the kitchen in a plastic bag buried under a pile of my clothes. I did not consider that Diego would find it and be curious about it. Not that long ago I got this cheap computer keyboard plastic cover protector but it turned out to be crappy and not compatible with my mac so I threw it out. Diego being the curious sea horse that he is, ended up fishing it out and playing with it constantly finding new uses for it. To me it looked like a large condom as it was made out of the same material. These perspectives of mine did not bother him at all or stop him from playing MacGyver with strange objects. Another time I bought these cheap sandals they were decent to me but had these tacky annoying tassels on them, so I ripped them off and put them on the table. I had no idea the kind of curiosity it would invoke in Diego’s brain; he became fascinated over these silly simple stupid tacky tassel things. I watched him trying to decide what to use them for. Finally he decided to glue them onto some heads of this alien lovers statues that someone gave him. The statue originally was just human lovers, until Diego got some paint and made them into aliens. And now here he is with that embarrassing object in his hand like a little a kid and he reminded me of the characters from ‘Startrek’ Spock and Data who they would perceive something like this as something to understand and not let irrationality get in the way. “Well, I said, first of all I am surprised you’re even holding that or that your even touching it.” “But what is it? He asked innocently, is it a cup to drink out of?” “ Ah no, I said it’s definitely not that kind of cup.” I said coyly. The more I refrain from giving Diego information he becomes even more curious and persistent. “But it was in the kitchen, he said and that is where cups are logically kept, and you have had this object there for a while. At first I left it thinking you would do something with it and I would then know what it is, but as time went on I checked and the object was still there.“ “Uhm.,. yeah I said, I was meaning to use it then I forgot about it.“ “But what is it? he pressed in his usual way, what is the purpose of it?” “Uhm, I stumbled and fumbled with my thoughts and words trying to find the best way to explain to Diego this object that he had become utterly curious about. Well its uhm… Its for my woman time my period, it’s called a diva cup.” I watched Diego’s expression he still did not understand so I explained it in more detail and he was not grossed out like most men would be, all he said was, “oh ok, good to know.” then he put it back where he found it. Then I went on to say, “you know any other guy would freak out about this, but you’re so calm. “ “Why? he said, but I do not understand why should I freak out?” “They just usually do.” I said but he continued to press me to not stop there to go on, but no matter what I said he seemed to not be able to understand I did not know what else to say, so finally I said I do not know.” Diego did not seem satisfied with my response, he never likes when someone responds with an ‘I do not know,’ to him its as if a person is saying I do not want to think about this or find out for myself. We are so quick to give an answer or avoid the question. He wanted me to think more about this why should a man freak about this, is it more historical thinking of how men are conditioned to respond to such things? “Think about these things,” he said. And I am still thinking about the questioning and exploring why we do what we do has not stopped or been corked with one or two cliché easy answers. This experience also gave me a new pleasure with Diego for me to find strange objects that will puzzle him for days with that curiosity of things like we had when we were kids. It makes me wonder how we would be if we had that curious about everything again, not accepting what we are told but finding out for ourselves, and not becoming a slave to the meanings of them. No wonder we have boredom as we get older, or why animals do not seem to struggle with boredom like we do. If a cat found my diva cup it would just play with it and not care what it actually is. This is just one of the many things we have lost our understanding about when we started to accept conditioning instead. b) Our relationship with germs/ viruses Life with Diego is always something else such as this one time when i got the flue. Most often when we get sick people do what they can to stay away from you for fear they will become sick to, they may also then become a clean freak germa-­‐phobe so as to avoid catching what ever you have. When I informed Diego that I have the flue and he should be careful, not only did he not have any concern about getting the flue he was intrigued by the idea of having it for himself. So while I am trying to hide my face, as I feel gross he kisses me and he to got the flue. In our house all life is welcome even germs. I am often reminded by him that its not our house we are all co-­‐existing along side one another so we should be able to live in peace, no racism of any kind. Thus germs and viruses are welcome. As its now known since sharing these blogs we are not the cleanest people, in fact we rarely use cleaning products. I myself have always been freaked out and weird-­‐ed out by all the body cleaning products, natural or not its still not natural no animals use products of any kind to clean themselves they just use good old fashioned saliva, now that’s organic. ( No I have not used saliva to clean myself) I never really washed my hands when i was told to growing up, and Diego was the same, I guess you can say we just wanted to be friends with all of the life. We live in a world full of products of anti this and that, which is basically us unconsciously saying we are in war with the unseen germs and the insect realm. How can we say we are all one, love and light then use extreme chemicals and be in fear of viruses and germs and insects. ‘We are all one, eww a spider kill it, its low vibration.’ (so love and light is only applied when its convenient. We over clean ourselves to the point that when we do get sick we have no immunity to it? We all know people like that. We can not lock nature out of our lives in our perfect white box we call our home but in truth its not your home, your sharing it with everything. Nature as you see always finds a way to say ‘hey, I am here do not shut me out’. I have eased myself into drink the water here in Bali, even if its not the cleanest, so as to work on my fear of tap water, Diego suggested I wait a few months then slowly drink from it so as to better get used to the water. In this way the body becomes stronger by learning its language assimilating it into my body having more of an immunity to sickness which is why Diego rarely gets sick and welcomes it when he is sick. Just to clarify here I am not saying to be like Diego and try to purposely expose yourself to virus and germs. Even when it seems Diego is suffering from a sickness, be it a cold, runny nose a flue he always seems to be enjoy and appreciating it. I know this is not the case for many others who find themselves terrible sick and even die from viruses. I am just sharing this as an observation I have seen about him, what I am suggesting is that we should be aware of how much in our culture we are conditioned to be in paranoia and fear about germs and viruses, how that kind of thinking sets us up to also fight but with out any understanding, communication or assimilation with the virus. When we see this resistance that we have we can decrease psychologically overly protecting ourselves in this way because as it is right now this is why we have hypochondria. Again it’s not about getting rid of or fighting or trying to heal the virus but understanding it and even the state it brings us into of what it’s trying to show us. Our existential fear of viruses is not necessary; caution is suggested instead. For example when I asked Diego why he likes being sick is the way the mind tends to slooooow down. In a world where we have a fast paced mind, in which we can barely keep up but when your sick and your temperature soars your mind sees and thinks in slow motion everything is observed and felt 10 fold the simplest being the most beautiful such as a leaf falling down. Imagine if we all experienced life and our thoughts in slow motion? Then we could really observe the behind the scenes of our mind, like in a movie able to slow down the frames or see in-­‐between the frames. We would see life more easily, natures subliminal messages and behind the scenes that slip through the cracks of subtlety and transparency. Diego seems to mostly operate and think in a slow motion mind frame, when he wants to see more he slows it down more, zooms in and zooms out. I have noticed when we are upset or stressed our mind goes very fast and we get overwhelmed as it spins in a circle. This is a good time to slow down the mind and see what is going on in between the frames. Part of being an observer is manipulating the psychological time by slowing down the speed of our thinking so to see what we are actually thinking and what is behind the thoughts. What is behind life, what is behind the mind, what is behind identity? There is a reason when we are about to have an accident or witness something serious it’s said that everything seems to happen in slow motion. Right before going to sleep our mind slows down as we get ready to take our vacation from all our ideas of life, to exist out side of that temporarily which is why also when we are about to fall asleep our mind slows down, and when we awake our mind is also slow and out of it that it alone needs time just to function and recap this life this world we are in. I do think we have a stigma and fear of our mind moving slowly because we are educated/conditioned to think that if our mind is slow then we must be stupid. Society tells us that our mind can not be slow, then you’re a slow learner, not to mention the frustration we feel when we do things we really don’t like; how slow time goes by where as when we are doing things we enjoy time goes by so fast. We are told that a fast mind is associated with intelligence, so we push ourselves to take on more, do more, to speed up the mind to the point it exhausts and confuses us and then we want to run away from our own mind. Or the mind just collapses like a computer that is expected to operate at high speeds all the time with many many tabs open that is often forgotten about. We can see the wars, always stupid fights with ourselves, for not keeping up, or for not getting it, our mind, our body and all of life, these patterns are becoming more apparent this resistance we have to life, to understanding, coming from our beliefs that we are the most important species that human kind is the center of the universe. In this way we still live on a flat planet. But if the mind is first of all ok with going more slowly then we can see the filter that gets in the way of our perception how our interpretations are compromised by our beliefs and ways we are told to see the world. Such as seeing a flower do we ever see the flower for what it actually is? Or do we see it as a gift from jesus, or scientific family, or something to invoke romance and poetry because if we see a flower first in that way then we are seeing the world in fragmented categories, tunnel vision, that we identify with. If we do that with a flower imagine how many other things we do that with as well creating ever-­‐lasting misunderstanding and confusion, always throwing a monkey wrench into our thought process. If we can not see and understand how this process works and becomes a sort of psychological virus how can we ever become aware of all the thoughts we keep hidden from ourselves? The thoughts we are not thinking about, considering or overlook? We have been like this for a long time, it now acts like a virus as we continue to neglect the relationship we are having with the virus and our slow motion mind that allows us to assimilate the virus. c) -­‐Stalking the Viruses/Warrior in the Mind 101-­‐ As I started to go more into my dismantling process I tried to maintain a gauge so I could know what its like. After all I was going to try to show others the process but there is really nothing like this and dismantling can be so unpleasant and tricky I had to wonder who else would want to do something like this. People who were willing to explore this vast terrain in their brain we started to refer to them as EOF Pioneers. Each person essentially is the project; they are their own little vehicles, a ship, a relationship, meaning being in relation while all occupying the same ship. The EOF in itself is just a slogan that just gives suggestions and tips on how to navigate their mind and to also be able to understand why its so hard to think and why we are so afraid to think. The more the person understands their compass and then the next part is navigating a submarine into the abyss of our own confusion with all the crew being facets of their mind that have been dormant for such a long time. Then there is the understanding on how to handle the pressure, depth, darkness and unknown as one goes deeper and deeper down so as not to panic or freak out, one must be prepared and well versed in everything, all the tricks, traps the mind is going to throw at them. The crew on the submarine consists of the intellect and it says one thing, then there is the memory and it says another thing, ideals beliefs try to say another thing, identity says another thing, and all these crewmembers act as a diversion to blind us from our own clarity. No wonder we are so confused. We must be aware of how the crew works, and that we know their game so they will not take you for a ride and so they will all be willing to work with each other. In order to be an EOF pioneer it’s not enough to admit we have confusion and fear and that we are struggling but also we have to understand exactly how it works and reading about it is just not going to cut it, because most of the time it sounds cliché, and easy until we are stalking our mind. We can so clearly say, “oh ya, I see people do that all the time.” But I want to know can you see yourself-­‐ your mind doing the same all the time or can you only see others doing it? Can you see when your identity is thinking for you, making problems for you? If we knew how our thoughts work, where they come from, and how to understand them then we would not be struggling and stressed all the time right? The problem first comes because we do not know how to handle our mind. The mind gives us lots of material and lots to practice on. Here is an example of a recent experience of mine. I had no idea I was a fight