What Is Bullying? - Keir Kutney BSW,RSW

Understanding
Behaviors
Bullied and the Bully
Keir Kutney, BSW, RSW
Behavior Consultant
www.behaviorguyonline.com
"When I was a young boy, the bully called me
names, stole my bicycle, forced me off the
playground. He made fun of me in front of other
children, forced me to turn over my lunch money
each day, threatened to give me a black eye if I
told adult authority figures. At different times I was
subject to a wide range of degradation and abuse -de-pantsing, spit in my face, forced to eat the
playground dirt....To this day, their handprints, like
a slap on the face, remain stark and defined on my
soul."
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Eric E. Rofes --
Making our Schools Safe for Sissies
Definition
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What Is Bullying?
Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a
friend at some point. And it's not usually
harmful when done in a playful, friendly,
and mutual way, and both kids find it funny.
But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind,
and constant, it crosses the line into bullying
and needs to stop.
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Bullying is intentional tormenting in
physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It
can range from hitting, shoving, namecalling, threats, and mocking to extorting
money and treasured possessions. Some
kids bully by shunning others and
spreading rumors about them. Others use
email, chat rooms, instant messages,
social networking websites, and text
messages to taunt others or hurt their
feelings.
Please Listen
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It's important to take bullying seriously
and not just brush it off as something that
kids have to "tough out." The effects can
be serious and affect kids' sense of selfworth and future relationships. In severe
cases, bullying has contributed to
tragedies, such as school shootings and
suicides.
Why do they Bully?
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Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully
because they feel insecure. Picking on
someone who seems emotionally or
physically weaker provides a feeling of
being more important, popular, or in
control.
Why do they Bully?
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In other cases, kids bully because they
simply don't know that it's unacceptable to
pick on kids who are different because of
size, looks, race, or religion.
Why do they Bully?
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In some cases bullying is a part of an
ongoing pattern of defiant or aggressive
behavior. These kids are likely to need
help learning to manage anger and hurt,
frustration, or other strong emotions.
They may not have the skills they need to
cooperate with others.
Why do they Bully?
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Some kids who bully at school and in
settings with their peers are copying
behavior that they see at home. Kids who
are exposed to aggressive and unkind
interactions in the family often learn to
treat others the same way. And kids who
are on the receiving end of taunting learn
that bullying can translate into control
over children they perceive as weak.
The Sad Statistics
Percentage of students who reported being
victimized in the past two months.
Percentage of students who reported
bullying others in the past two months.
Percentage of students who reported both being
victimized and bullying other students in the past
two months.
Forms of Bullying
• Physical
– Hitting, shoving, kicking
– Stealing/damage property
Forms of Bullying
• Verbal
– Name-calling, hurtful teasing
– Humiliation, making people do things
they don’t want to do
Forms of Bullying
• Social
– Excluding others
– Spreading gossip or
rumors
– Making others look
foolish
Forms of Bullying
• Electronic or Cyber
bullying – Using the
internet, email, text
messages
- Threaten or hurt
- Embarrassing
someone
- Spread rumors or
reveal secrets
T-shirt for sale online
11 Things To Do When Cyber Bullying Occurs
1. Do not assume a threatening
message will amount to nothing.
2.
Save and print any threatening
Email, IM, text, webpage. (Copy /
Paste always works.)
3. Try to
identify the cyber bully (This may
involve contacting your ISP or
detective work.)
4. Tell the Cyber
bully to stop.
5. Contact the cyber bully's parents.
6. Respond to the cyber bully as an
authority figure.
"I am Xavier's mother. I have saved this
message and information about it. If this
number is used again in this way I will
prosecute."
7. Block or filter the sender.
(Changing email address or IM
may be necessary.) 8. Leave the
online area, stop the activity (close
out Internet, gaming, IM, Chat
session, Log off. Don't return to
that chat room.)
9. If the message
included physical threats, contact
the police.
10. Tell a parent or
trusted adult.
11. Look out for your
friends. Sometimes a threat will be
indirectly given to a person
through a friend or third party.
Pack Attack
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Pack bullying in
high schools is the
most disturbing.
Research indicates
that pack attacks
went on for longer
periods of time
than targeting by
individuals.
Forms of Bullying
Forms change with age
– school playground bullying
– sexual harassment, gang attacks,
date violence
– assault, marital violence, child abuse,
workplace harassment and elder
abuse
Consequences of bullying:
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If we allow our children to be bullied,
what are we telling them about the
world they inhabit? About self-worth,
order, fairness?
If we allow a bully to get away with
bullying, what are we teaching
them?
The consequences….
Consequences of bullying:
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Low self esteem: Bullying works
primarily through humiliation, by
lowering the esteem of another for
the benefit of the bully. Bullying can
have a lasting effect on a child’s
feeling of self-worth, hampering their
social skills and happiness into adult
life.
Consequences of bullying:
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Guilt: The bullied often believe they
deserve to be bullied. Bullies may
later feel guilty for their acts.
Bystanders may feel guilty that they
encouraged the bully, or did nothing
to intervene. These feelings can
linger into adult life.
Consequences of bullying:
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Inability to deal with problems: The
bully uses his/her aggression as a
crutch to solve other problems
including low self-esteem. Allowing
bullying to continue won’t teach the
child how to properly deal with
his/her problems or interact with
others.
Consequences of bullying:
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Depression and an exclusion from
opportunities to grow: School is a
time for children to learn, grow and
discover activities that will aid them
in adult life. Bullying can seriously
impair a child’s ability to participate,
to learn, or to enjoy school or other
people.
Consequences of bullying:
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Suicide: In extreme cases, when
bullying goes on long enough, a child
may decide that death is preferable
to continued bullying.
Lets take a look at
Zero Tolerance
Proactive or Reactive?
Zero Tolerance means:
a significant bullying
event needs to occur
before anything is done.
Reduce Your Child’s Risk
Before the Bullying
Action
Prevention Prior
Stance
HEAD BACK
EYES HALF SHUT
HANDS IN POCKET
SAUNTER
Action
Prevention Prior
What Do Others Do?
Action
Prevention Prior
Appearance
Action
Prevention Prior
Group safety
Talk about it with the child’s friends
During the Bullying
Action
Prevention During
Yell!!!!!
Draw attention to the situation
Action
Prevention During
Walk Away
Go where there are other people
Action
Prevention During
PFFFFFT
Don’t fuel the fire
ROLE PLAY RESPONSES
Anxiety makes responses tougher
After the Bullying
Action
Prevention After
Tell an Adult
Encourage your child to talk about
bullying. Make Bullying an open
discussion
Action
Prevention After
How will the incident be handled?
Let the child know what
will be done and when.
Anxiety increases when
the child doesn’t know
what is happening.
Action
Prevention After
What’s the Safety Plan
Is My Child A Bully?
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act in an impulsive, hot-headed, or dominant way
get easily frustrated
lack empathy
have difficulty following rules
view violence in a positive way
have friends who are bullies
have friends who view violence in a positive way
frequently stay unsupervised
have parents who are overly permissive or overly harsh
repeatedly shove, punch, or physically push around a boy or a
girl in a mean way just because he felt like it
spread nasty rumors about others
regularly exclude one or more kids from his activities
tease people in a mean way, calling them names, making fun of
their appearance, or the way that they talk, dress, or act
hang out in a crowd of people that hurts others, spread rumors,
or tease other children
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According to the Stop Bullying Now campaign, things that
you can do if you suspect that your child is a bully include:
Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously and that you
will not tolerate this behavior.
Develop clear and consistent rules within your family for your children’s
behavior. Praise and reinforce your children for following rules and use
non-physical, non-hostile consequences for rule violations.
Spend more time with your child and carefully supervise and monitor his
or her activities. Find out who your child’s friends are, and how and
where they spend free time.
Build on your child's talents by encouraging him or her to get involved in
pro-social activities (such as clubs, music lessons, non-violent sports).
Share your concerns with your child's teacher, counsellor, and/or
principal. Work together to send clear messages to your child that the
their bullying must stop.
If you and/or your child needs additional help, talk with a school
counsellor and/or mental health professional.
What might be causing the bullying behavior? Here
are some possible reasons to consider.
• may not know it is wrong or realize how hurtful it is to
other children
• may not have the language skills to relate appropriately
with other children
• may not have learned to empathize with others
• may gain recognition and popularity from their
aggressive behavior
• may be encouraged to bully others by someone whom
he/she respects
• may be mimicking violent or aggressive behavior they
regularly witness
• may be attempting to establish some personal power
because they feel weak and powerless
Your child needs your help. Here’s what you can do:
•
Talk to your child. Assure your child that you will help him/
her learn how to get along with other children.
•
Listen to your child. Listen for concerns, fears or
worries.
•
It is important to play with your child so you
can listen for the feeling messages. Sometimes children tell us
very
important things through their play.
•
Believe your child. Ask for your child’s confidence and
trust and promise you will always be there to help.
•
Keep your promise. If you are having trouble helping
your child on your own, seek help
•
Participate in counseling or other family support
activities.
•
Praise, focus on and reinforce positive behaviour/skills.
Help your child practice these behaviour/skills.
•
Follow up and never give up!
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Signs of Bullying
Unless your child tells you about bullying — or has visible bruises or
injuries — it can be difficult to figure out if it's happening.
But there are some warning signs. You might notice your child acting
differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping well, or doing the
things that he or she usually enjoys. When kids seem moodier or more
easily upset than usual, or when they start avoiding certain situations,
like taking the bus to school, it may be because of a bully.
If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up, find
opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For
instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a
conversation starter, asking "What do you think of this?" or "What do you
think that person should have done?" This might lead to questions like:
"Have you ever seen this happen?" or "Have you ever experienced this?"
You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family
member had at that age.
Let your child know that if he or she is being bullied — or sees it
happening to someone else — it's important to talk to someone about it,
whether it's you, another adult (a teacher, school counselor, or family
friend), or a sibling.
Before You Talk to the School
1.
→
How severe has the bullying behaviour been?
(Violence continuum- check one)1 → → → → 2 → → → 3 → →
4 → → → → 5 → → → 6 → → → →7 → → → 8 → → → →9 →
→ → → 10 (Considerate→ Critical→ Sarcastic→ Controlling →
Verbal→ Threatening→ Hitting→ Intimidating→ Beating→ Assault)
2.
How frequently does it occur?___ Several times a day___ Once a
day___ 3-4 times a week___ Once a week___ Occasionally
3.
Who is bullying your child?___ A classmate or peer___ Several
classmates or peers___ An older student___ Several older students
4.
Where does the bullying take place?
___ To or from school
___ On school grounds (outside)
___ In the washroom
___ In the hallways
___ In the classroom
___ In the
gym or change room
___ Over the telephone
___ Over the internet
___ At another student’s home
5.
Who witnesses the bullying?
___ One other student
___ Several students
___ Adults/supervisors
6.
___
___
___
___
What actions have you or your child taken to address the
problem?
Your child has told you
Your child has spoken to the teacher (or some other supervising
adult) at school
You have spoken to the teacher (or some other supervising adult)
at school
Other
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In answering these questions, you have already taken some important
steps toward solving the problem!
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You have listened supportively to your child.
You have a clear understanding of what’s going on.
You have shared your concerns with your child’s teacher or
supervisor.
Now it’s time to speak with your child’s school. Be sure to clearly
describe:
• Exactly what happened
• When and how often it happened
• Where the incident occurred
• Who was involved
• Who else saw it happen
• What action you have taken, if any
If the bullying persists and you’re having trouble getting help from the
school, try the following:
• Write down what happened (e.g. the bullying episodes and
what action you have taken with your child’s school) and share this
with the school administrator. Sometimes written reports are taken
more seriously or make it easier for your child’s school to give you
the help you need.
• Ask for a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy or code of
conduct. It should include guidelines for appropriate student
behaviour and a range of limits or consequences that will be applied
if a child’s behaviour is inappropriate.
• Make an appointment with the school administrator and
discuss your concerns. Work in partnership with the school
authorities by watching for signs that the bullying is continuing or if
things are improving.
• If the situation is not resolved within the agreed upon time
frame, continue to keep a detailed record of each incident and
include this information in a letter to the school administrator who
has responsibility for maintaining safe schools in your school district
• You are your child’s most
important advocate. Keep
asking until you get the help
your child needs.
Questions?
Resources
http://education.alberta.ca/teachers/safeschools/bullying.aspx
http://www.isafe.org/channels/sub.php?ch=op&sub_id=media_cyber_bullying
http://www.prevnet.ca/Bullying/BullyingStatistics/tabid/122/Default.aspx
http://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/res/cp/res/bully-eng.aspx
http://kidshealth.org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/bullies.html http://bullying.suite101.
com/
http://www.grababullybythehorns.com/bullies-and-children/what-do-i-do-if-mychild-is-a-bully/
http://idahocityschools.com/images/K-6discpolicy.gif
http://www.thebullybook.com/ http://www.surfnetkids.com/bullying.htm
http://pediatrics.about.com/library/quiz/blquiz_bully_scng.htm
http://www.canadiansafeschools.com/parents/bully.htm
http://www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/yf/famsci/fs570w.htm