to the march 2016 issue of one voice

THE OFFICIAL MAGAZINE OF THE CENTER. 402 CENTER ST. SUITE A.
NORTH MUSKEGON MI 49445
DEALING WITH DEPRESSION/ANXIETY
APRIL 2016
IN THIS ISSUE
PAGE
EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS
3
The Voices, by Karl Walker
4
It Doesn’t Have to End Here, by Rev Robert Teszlewicz
6
What Number is Despair, by Anna L. EldenBrady
Natural Remedies for Depression
7-8
9-10
My Story by Stephania Marie Kanitsch
11-12
How Do You Control the Incontrolable,by Vera Sylvestre
13-14
Mistreatment in the Field of Mental Health, by Emily Larson
15-19
What is Depression?
22-24
There are Three Main Types of Traumatic Stress Reactions
26-27
Stress Relief in the Moment
28-36
Birth Quest , by Faith Groesbeck
Of Struggle and Recovery, by Archer Green
37
38-40
When the Day Dies, by Jacquie Glenn
47
Watch out Vanity Fair, by Krystal Raihannah Waters
48
Death of a Demon, by Charles E Stawowy
50-52
Krystal’s Story by I'm Krystal Raihannah Waters
54-55
ONE VOICE is the official publication of LGBT SUPPORT SERVICES (THE CENTER), a totally
inclusive community agency. ONE VOICE IS PUBLISHED BI MONTHLY. Any part of this publication may be copied for educational purposes as long as proper credit is given to the
author of the article, story, poetry, artwork, etc. All Rights Reserved. The views expressed
in articles do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Center’s Administration or Board
of Directors. 2016
2
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal please contact one of the agencies below, or CALL 911. One phone call can save a life.
National Runaway Switchboard
The GLBT National Help Center
1-800-786-2929
1-800-843-4564
www.1800runaway.org
www.glbthotline.org
Trans Lifeline US:
The Trevor Project
(877) 565-8860
1-866-488-7386
Canada: (877) 330-6366
www.thetrevorproject.org
www.translifeline.org
GLBT National Youth Talkline
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-246-7743
1-800-273-8255
www.glbthotline.org
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
3
The voices
You know those times when you are beat down
When the weight on your shoulders is heavy with emotion
When each day you live is another day of an internal hell
When every part of you is shouting to give up
To walk away from the pain and just let it happen
But a voice in your head, barely more than a whisper
Comes into your head without invitation, and breathes you hope.
The voice that tells you to try again, that it might work next time
The voice that heals your wounds when you are hurt
The voice that gives you the heart to keep on moving
The voice that gives you the strength to keep on fighting.
That isn't any old voice, it isn't a voice that comes from nowhere.
That voice is in all of us and it comes when we need it.
But we can't see it and we cannot seek it, but that don't matter
We know where to find it, deep down we know where to look.
That voice is our future, telling us to keep going.
That future voice is the voice of hope and voice of wisdom.
Our souls have already lived our lives, already seen our time.
They come back as voices to guide us and set the way for us all.
Listen to those voices, they have seen it all.
They have lived, breathed, cried and yelled out your life.
These spirits reside in us all and may we one day listen to the words
© Karl Walker
4
5
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO END HERE.
Between 2014-2015 I dealt with
more suicides than I have in the
proceeding 40 years as a Social
Worker. Each loss of life; whether
I knew the person or not, takes a
small part of my heart. I wish I
could have been there with each
one of them; telling them to hang
on, to keep moving forward in life,
and reminding them that there
are people who love them.
I wonder what it was like for most
of them to be alone; holding a gun
at their head, crying, hesitating,
and wondering if they would really go through with it. I wonder
what loss, what pain, what loneliness they felt in the final minutes.
And, I wonder if anyone of their
friends ever picked up on the
signs that they were going to end
their life?
Schools don’t do enough to teach
about suicide prevention and intervention. Parents are often unaware of the signs that had been
The Center’s Outreach and Crisis Intervention Team is displayed. And in the end, everyone is left wondering, “why did he
available to help you
do it?”
through any crisis
Rev Robert Teszlewicz is the Founder and Executive
Director of LGBT Support Services (The Center) located in North Muskegon Michigan.
you may be experiencing. They can be
reached at: 402 Center St, Suite A,
North Muskegon MI
49445
Whatever you are going through,
seek help. Call a suicide hotline;
talk to your parents, friends, and
anyone who cares enough to listen. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
231-747-8329
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What number is despair?
Anna L. EldenBrady
Despair. It is something I feel frequently as I swing into the lows, bottom out, and begin to
claw back up only to be slingshot into something high and beyond control that is this creature of bipolar disorder. Just a rewired brain, a pendulum with an irregular swing. But what
colour is it? What sound? What number? And how do you coast through it and not let it rip
you from yourself?
Despair is....
The feeling of a heart sinking, miring, and settling into a field, farm equipment left in the
rain, rusting, while the person piloting it unhitches it from the tractor and slowly, painfully,
rocks the tractor forward, coaxing it, encouraging it, trying to keep it from getting stuck.
Something far too valuable to let sit in the open. But the cultivator sits in the field until the
muck dries and it is possible to rock it back out, little by little, inch by inch, the '53 Case engine chugging and roaring as it hauls itself forward, the trailer bumping up out of its own
deep gouges in the dirt and slamming down into the ruts left by 40" tractor tires, slowly
pulled to freedom. The ruts never fade. Not even 6 years later. You can still see them in the
satellite photos of what is now overgrown swampy grassland. The heart bears ruts far longer
than six years. A part of it stays mired.
The breaking of a soul at the news of a death, huddling against someone in the front seat of a
'78 Benz as they drive to nowhere down highways you have known your whole life, the wail
of the guitar in Comfortably Numb screaming through tears and lifting even just an inch,
enough to pull something of this life into perspective and remind you of the love buried deep
underneath. Pain is a reminder of the depth of kindness, love, and family. But you sob, none
-the-less, and Pink Floyd is there to rip through you, vibrating your every organ, screaming
with your heart.
Seeing nothing but a dark room and staring at a stark lava lamp that burns into your mind
until it floats in negative in front of your eyes if you dare to look away. So you don't. Despair is red wax in yellow fluid while dangerous music plays in headphones so loud that there
is no other world. Despair is feeling nothing but the scream of a rough voice and lyrics that
you know by heart settling into your mind with no effort, no trying, no listening, just sitting
there, absorbed by whatever in them that makes them so familiar and so comforting in their
violence and anger. Despair flows like the wax, seeping out through sounds pushed just past
the threshold for hearing safety and lapsing into sleep.
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What number is despair? It is everything. Infinity. No number and every number. Something that comes in stages and phases, falling, falling, into a nothingness that has no end
and a sea of grey. It lasts forever. It lasts only a few days. It lasts only a few moments. It
creeps up on the drive home and lingers as the DJ plays songs on vinyl on the radio and the
beauty of the hissing crackle eases it just a little. But it is always there, somewhere, waiting. It happens on lows, and this is expected, but not as difficult. Family knows when it is
coming, they see it from a distance, the warning signs clear and bright. But that which is
not seen is harder to grasp. It happens on highs when the mania fades and you are left sitting in the middle of a dozen intense sorting projects, cleaning out a trunk full of office
supplies trying to make sense of a puzzle of scattered pieces that no longer fit together and
no longer seem to matter as much as they did eight hours ago when the high finally broke,
strong enough that to quell it was to burst into action, the tingling in the back of your head
no longer bearable any other way. But at least there are drop biscuits on the table, a pie
cooling on the stove, soup in the Crockpot ready for whenever he gets home, and no more
dishes in the sink. And the stove is gleaming. And the floors finally clean after weeks of
neglect. And there is laundry in the washer, a dye job in the tub, and things yet to do that
won't be finished, because none of it matters anymore and there is nothing left to figure out
what is left to be done, let alone what to do when and how to go about doing it.
When he comes home, he knows what has happened. He'll set the table, put everything
back in the trunk, get the laundry moved forward in its progression and sit you down with a
gentle nudging command to eat. It might not feel like the time to comply. In fact, after
everything, the greater craving is always water. But having not eaten all day since this
started...you will. And as you sit, everything starts to ache and you need a sweater, your
layers stripped down earlier in the frenzy. After, you will pull the dye job from the tub (he
never knows what to do with textiles freshly dyed and at this point, you can't communicate
what needs to happen next anyway), hang it to dry, maybe put in the effort to undress, and
collapse into bed.
This infinity can be slept away. And often, it is the only way it does not rip you apart.
Coast through. No dreams. Silence.
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I've heard natural remedies for depression, such as
St. John's wort, can work as well as antidepressants. Is
that true?
So-called natural remedies for depression aren't a replacement for medical diagnosis and
treatment. However, for some people certain herbal and dietary supplements do seem to
work well, but more studies are needed to determine which are most likely to help and what
side effects they might cause. Here are some supplements that show promise:
St. John's wort. This herbal supplement isn't approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to treat depression in the U.S., but it's a popular depression treatment in Europe.
Although it may be helpful for mild or moderate depression, use it with caution. St. John's
wort can interfere with many medications, including blood-thinning drugs, birth control pills,
chemotherapy, HIV/AIDS medications, and drugs to prevent organ rejection after a transplant. Also, avoid taking St. John's wort while taking antidepressants — the combination can
cause serious side effects.
SAMe. This dietary supplement is a synthetic form of a chemical that occurs naturally in the
body. SAMe (pronounced sam-E) is short for S-adenosylmethionine (es-uh-den-o-sul-muhTHIE-o-neen). SAMe isn't approved by the FDA to treat depression in the U.S., but it's used in
Europe as a prescription drug to treat depression. SAMe may be helpful, but more research is
needed. In higher doses, SAMe can cause nausea and constipation. Do not use SAMe if you're
taking a prescription antidepressant — the combination may lead to serious side effects.
Omega-3 fatty acids. These fats are found in cold-water fish, flaxseed, flax oil, walnuts and
some other foods. Omega-3 supplements are being studied as a possible treatment for depression and for depressive symptoms in people with bipolar disorder. While considered generally safe, the supplement can have a fishy taste, and in high doses, it may interact with other medications. Although eating foods with omega-3 fatty acids appears to have heart-healthy
benefits, more research is needed to determine if it has an effect on preventing or improving
depression.
Saffron. Saffron extract may improve symptoms of depression, but more study is needed.
High doses can cause significant side effects.
5-HTP. The supplement called 5-hydroxytryptophan (hi-drok-see-TRIP-to-fan), also known as
5-HTP, is available over-the-counter in the U.S., but requires a prescription in some countries.
The use of 5-HTP may play a role in improving serotonin levels, a chemical that affects mood
— but evidence is only preliminary and more research is needed. There is a safety concern
that using 5-HTP may cause a severe neurological condition, but the link is not clear.
Do some research before starting any dietary supplement. Make sure you're buying your supplements from a reputable company, and find out exactly what they contain.
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What did Ludwig van Beethoven, Winston Churchill,
and Vincent van Gogh have in common?
They all, at one time or another, suffered from depression. In fact, depression is
so widespread that some psychologists call it the common cold of emotional disorders. If you’re depressed, you’re not alone. Neither do you have to
let depression control your life. For severe, chronic depression, there are effective prescription medications as well as various forms of therapy. For mild to
moderate depression that comes and goes, there are plenty of depressionbusting strategies you can implement on your own.
Work it out
Get out there and move your body. Numerous studies have confirmed that frequent exercise can be a powerful mood enhancer. For mild or moderate depression it may even work as well as antidepressants. All you need is at least 20
minutes’ worth of aerobic exercise three times a week. Walk, lift weights, jump
rope, cycle—any form will do. Work up a sweat to get the best effect.
Look to food to change your mood
• If you’re on a high-protein diet for weight loss, lack of carbohydrates could be
contributing to your blue mood. Foods like fruits and vegetables, beans, and
whole grains help your brain make the mood-regulating brain chemical serotonin.
• Aim to eat fish three times a week or more. Researchers in Finland found that
people who ate fish less than once a week had a 31 percent higher incidence of
mild to moderate depression than people who ate fish more often. Albacore tuna, salmon, sardines, and mackerel are top choices; they’re rich in omega-3 fatty acids, essential to normal brain function. There’s preliminary evidence that
they influence serotonin production.
 If you drink coffee or cola, cut back or even give it up. Research links caffeine, which suppresses serotonin production, to depression.
• Nix alcohol. While wine, beer, or hard liquor may initially raise spirits, alcohol
is actually a depressant.
Put it in writing
Record your feelings on paper—especially painful feelings. Research shows
that people who write about their most painful emotions for 20 minutes a day
dramatically improved their psychological well-being after just four days. Sit with
a blank piece of paper in front of you and write nonstop about the most distressing event in your life right now. Don’t think; just write.
Lift your spirit
• Attend services at your place of worship. In a study of 4,000 older people, researchers found that those who frequently attended worship services were half
as likely to be depressed as those who didn’t.
10
First of all, due to the fact I am transgender/transsexual (over 2 years into transition) I have had
a mild depression for most of my life from the GD. I never really liked myself due to the depression.
2004 was when I first initially started seeing a psychiatrist due to the depression worsening and
just not going away. I also started seeing a therapist. (I won't list the meds I have been on, as it
is 50-60 different ones) The doctor put me on a med, and within a year added another one. In
February, 2007 things got a lot worse and by April, 2007 I was suicidal. I ended up in the hospital for a few days.
Once I was out I went through the hospitals IOP program. About 6 weeks later I went back to
work. (worked at a nuclear power plant) I spent about 6 weeks trying to get caught up. As soon
as I started back at work I could tell it was the wrong decision. At the end of that 6 weeks
things were pretty bad again. I ended up back in the hospital in August, 2007 due to being
highly suicidal again. I was in a few days longer this time. Got out and spent 4 months before
going back to work. As I was doing pretty bad still, they could not let me come back.
My LTD started shortly after that. January, 2008 they put me back in the hospital, to change
meds and I was pretty bad shape. Was in for about 7 days. Between January and about August
things remained about the same. In August my wife and I decided to move to the Austin area
as it was cheaper. By this time I was sleeping 16 hours a day and basically I had no feelings
due to the depression being so severe. Also confusion and memory loss. In August, 2009 it was
back to the hospital as suicidal thoughts got pretty bad again. 7 days this time. Started seeing
my current therapist after getting out. Things pretty much stayed level for quite a while, pretty
severe, but level. Sometime in 2012. I was back in the hospital. Suicidal feelings. In October
2013 they started me on unilateral ECT. They took me off 4 months later, as its effectiveness
was almost zilch. Actually it didn't work anyways.
In June, 2013 the GD started to get a lot worse. Took me about 6 months to decide to come
out. And yes, it did make me suicidal. I learned to not show it though, as by this time I had 6
visits to the hospital. After coming out it did relieve the depression, but very little. In January,
2014 I started hormones. The first 6 days upon starting them, I felt wonderful, then back downhill. By about June, 2014 the suicidal feeling were 3-4 days a week and feelings of wishing I'd
die were daily. In August, 2014 I started my good-bye letter and made the mistake of telling
my psychiatrist. Into the hospital, this time 8 days. Also, had been presenting 24/7 as female
since starting the hormones. The last day I was in the doctor said something to me very transphobic.
They started me on bilateral ECT during this visit. The ECT didn't work again, but they kept
doing it. After 17 months (November, 2015) I made the decision to stop the ECT as my short
and long term memory are completely destroyed. I remember little from my past and can't hold
onto current happenings either. It also causes confusion and makes decision making harder.
At this time I am on MAOI's. They say MAOI's are sometimes a last chance. This is severe
clinical depression, which never goes away. I still don't feel all that great about myself, but am
better due to the transition. The depression is still pretty bad as the MAOI's don't work like
most other meds. The suicidal feelings remain, generally 3-4 days a week and the thoughts of
being dead are still there almost daily. It has fortunately not been bad enough for the hospital
except a few times in the last 2 months. Also, I have been on disability since losing my job due
to the severity of the depression
My wife is still with me. Next week is our 30th anniversary. She has been very supportive of
me with the depression and the transition. I am a lucky person and believe if she would have
left me, I would not be here today. Stephania Marie Kanitsch
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Oh how I wish that I could be
The person that's hidden inside of me.
It's been lost for awhile
And now I can no longer smile.
I've been hidden in the dark
And just wish I could make my mark.
Just to see the light again
And not the darkness, my friend.
I don't know what I may do,
This darkness may take me away from you.
01/22/2009
Stephania Marie Kanitsch
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How do you control, the incontrollable???
By Vera Sylvestre
This is a question that we ask our selves often, there are areas of our lives, when things
happen and we have little or no control over the out come.
We develop a health condition that pretty much does what it wants, such as cancer or a
mental disorder.
Yes, there are things we can do to hopefully impact the prognosis, but we can't be sure
until the end.
How do we deal with those issues? There have been Two specific times when my family
was told that I wouldn't survive, once as an infant and toddler, I wasn't supposed to
survive past 18 months, I was born with a very rare blood disorder which until 1957 no
child had survived. I did and was the face behind an article in one of the pediatric medical Journals for having survived it.
Than again in 1992 after severe complications of birth with my youngest where the placenta separated prematurely and I hemorrhaged out twice. I was in a coma for 3 days a
was completely transfused twice. My parents were told I wouldn't survive the weekend. Well here I am almost 24 years later still beating the odds.
In both of those instances I personally didn't knowingly do anything to survive, except
have a strong will not to die.
What about when you're fully concise of what is going on but still have little control?
People with Mental health issues die at a glaring 25 years earlier than the average population. They die of diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, lack of exercise and
or just getting tired of dealing with a Chronic condition.
People with chronic physical conditions do a little better but that's because they are
closer in tuned with their medical teams.
Illness whether medical or psychiatric, take a large toll on us, I'm not sure if we admit
how much of one.
So how do we control, the incontrollable?
We start off getting all of the up to date and relevant information about what ever it is
we're dealing with, we talk to the best doctors in the field we can access.
We confirm the Diagnosis and prognosis with at least one other professional.
We think about our particular life style and our obligations and we decide what treatment options we feel will work best for US, not our family, not our friends, not our
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jobs, Us.
We sit down with our medical team and start planning a course of treatment. It may take
more than one appointment. That's OK, our lives and wellbeing are worth the preparation time.
We discuss all options, popular and unpopular, we discuss treatment protocols and outcomes.
We discuss medication options, benefits and side effects, we discuss efficacy and time of
expected results re: will it take days, weeks, or months to start seeing results.
How long will the Medications have to be taken? A few days, weeks, months, years, forever?
Another major consideration is who do we talk to about the situation?? Hopefully, your
family is supporting you as much as possible as are friends, but as much as they love you,
and don't want to see you in pain, they aren't trained to help you deal with certain situations and if they are professionals it's unethical for them to treat you.
If you don't already have a therapist consider getting one so that you're not always
dumping on your support team. That's not good for anyone and can strain relationships
when you need them most of all.
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By: Emily Larson
January, 2016
Mistreatment in the field of Mental Health
Often, in the medical studies of the past, many have taken drastic measures to “cure”
the mentally ill. In most cases, the measures taken were to simply quiet patients. Many
thought this was curing, or at least helping, when in reality it was sedating them. No coping
mechanisms were taught, no counseling was provided. Care provided since then has still
mainly been to sedate, only now with medication. In the past, methods of mental health treatments were gruesome. We are progressing in the mental health field at an alarming rate. Although many things are
better, some medical
advances sit at a stand-
still. This means that
healthcare won’t move
forward, won’t make
further research about
mental health care.
Asylums and
warehouses were terrible
and often terrifying
places to be. Those who
would now be in jail
would end up in these
houses for the “insane”. The mentally ill were said to be “sentenced by law, facing a life of
inhumane treatment.” (Foerschner 3). Conditions in these hospitals were often gruesome.
Even the staff was not prepared for an intense flood of people coming in. “Staffed by gravely
untrained, unqualified individuals who treated mentally ill patients like animals.” (Foerschner
3). Treated like animals by taking the patients to overcrowded, dark cells, the staff weren’t
trained for such misbehavior. There was lack of basic supplies, poor bathing facilities, little
helpful treatment, many sedatives, and even chains to restrain patients (Foerschner, 3).
In The American Journal of Insanity, published in the 1800’s, there are a list of suicides and
15
the reasoning for the suicides. Shortly after they distinguished the specific causes
that the suicidal in this book would want to end their life for, they state, “No specific remedy for insanity has yet been discovered. (The American Journal of Insanity, 219)
They go on to tell about how bleeding their patients are often unsuccessful, except
for one incident. The bleeding continues for many more years. In the following pages there
were clear documentations of hot boxes, water treatments, and large doses of morphine given, all seeming to lack in reliability and success (The American Journal of Insanity 353355). The doctors had somehow not noticed the obvious- that these patients needed intensive psychotherapy, and far less of the treatments that were clearly not working. In the
1800’s the patients were without a doubt not the only insane ones. The definition of insanity, aside from being mad, is “extreme foolishness or irrationality” (The American Journal of
Insanity). The doctors at the warehouses acted foolish, irrationally conducting whatever
treatment to sedate the patient. The doctors had no clue as to how to properly treat their patients. Was this out of pure ignorance? Laziness? Or did they truly not know how to come
up with any other solution to “insanity” than to drain the ill patients blood? The psychosurgery that went on in these facilities is truly stunning, baffling.
Regarding psychosurgery, the treatments includes the following: trephination, drilling holes in the skull to let the “evil spirits out”, bloodletting, hot boxes, being hosed down,
and insulin shock. Trephination was where “a hole is drilled, incised or scraped into the
skull” (Irving, 1). Bloodletting is an ancient practice where the patient is cut open and
drained of blood. This cures many illnesses, or so they say. This treatment was even used
for people who had excessive acne (Bloodletting, 1). Hot boxes were literal big, hot boxes
often used with heat lamps to sedate a patient. Insulin shock is similar to ECT (electro con
vulsive therapy), a therapy we still use today in a lesser degree. Insulin shock was often
16
given to those with the diagnosis of
schizophrenia. The subject was given
insulin, making their blood sugar drop.
This would make the patient comatose,
having a “convulsive reaction” at the
same time. Sometimes there would be a
full brain seizure. Glucose was injected to
take patients out of their coma (Kanth, 1).
One of the most commonly mentioned
practices of this medieval medicine was
the lobotomy. Lobotomies focused on severing nerves, cutting connections to make the patients seemingly “normal” or “calm”. Two holes were drilled into the front of the skull. Afterwards, a knife was inserted and the procedure was conducted, “severing the prefrontal cortex
from the rest of the brain” (Boeree). These practices, unsettling and raw, were true for their
time.
In an unsettling research, I uncovered that the reasoning for shifts in mental health
decisions was simply money-based. Economic distress causes social classes to be more defined. This puts those who are in poverty more susceptible to experiencing having a mental
illness in one’s lifetime. The strain put on the ill and poor is incredible compared to someone
who is higher up on the social class level. This lack of mental illness in the rich is possibly
because of less worry, leading to less mental strain. Also, the richer have more options when
it comes to healthcare in America. Those who were called “lunatics” in the 1900’s now have
a new name. We call them “welfare”, “hoodlums”. Overall, there is a “social causation of
mental disorders” (Orthopsychiatry, 1). In the Victorian era, houses were vast and beautiful.
This is where they kept the mentally ill. This is until there were not enough of these houses
because they were not properly funded. The houses that were available became over crowded
17
a type of dump for those who were not wanted or understood. They were cast aside by all,
misunderstood, especially by their own government.
Today we ban mentally ill to places like jails. Today’s jail is yesterday’s ware house. It has
been this way, especially for the poor, since the 1980’s. Jails process over twelve million
people each year. Many people stay in jails that are considered “public disturbances” people
who have not committed a real crime but are not mentally capable of being out on their own.
America has the highest prison population in the world. Three- quarters (75%) of
“criminals” are in for a non-violent offense. In New York, 473 people who struggled with a
mental illness or with substance abuse problems accounted for 10,000 jail admission. 83%
of people admitted to jails or prisons who are mentally ill receive no mental health care in
jail. In fact, jail time often increases the likelihood of mentally ill offenders using substances
when they are discharged (Hall 1).
We do have mental hospitals now but a vast majority of people do not have access to
them because of money reasons. When the government choose to shut down the warehouses,
it took its money to a place that promised to double if not triple their income- the pharmaceutical companies.
Without proper care, people are being drugged to oblivion. In old school mental
health care they promised a cure, seemingly aware that they didn’t really have one. Nowadays, our doctors are saying that we have no cure, but take this and you will have “instant
alleviation” of your pain. How is this any healthier? In dialectical behavioral therapy, it is
taught that something that immediately relieves your pain is something that is completely
unhealthy for you. In order to rewire your mind to not have to immediately relieve pain, you
must feel the pain, let it go through you. You must not push away or hold onto it.
Unfortunately, groups like DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) cost money to go to
if you are not insured (Medicaid doesn’t really count to most of them). Once again, people
are mentally being stunned from recovery because of money. We now are living in an era of
18
“chemical straightjackets” (Conway 1). This is because, unfortunately, chemicals are easier
to get than therapy is. Life is now about numbing oneself with anything they can get their
hands on. It could be so much different if money wasn’t a factor. Of course, if we knew more
about our brains and how they worked maybe we could have vaccines or un-harmful procedures
that coincide with our biochemistry instead of battling with it. Today we do not have such
things, but it could be a possibility.
19
20
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What Is Depression?
Most people have felt sad or depressed at times. Feeling depressed can be a
normal reaction to loss, life's struggles, or an injured self-esteem.
But when feelings of intense sadness -- including feeling helpless, hopeless,
and worthless -- last for many days to weeks and keep you from functioning
normally, your depression may be something more than sadness. It may
very well be clinical depression -- a treatable medical condition.
How Do I Know If I Have Depression?
According to the DSM-5, a manual used to diagnose mental disorders, depression occurs when you have at least five of the following symptoms at
the same time:
Symptoms of Depression
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, people with depressive
illnesses don't all experience the same symptoms. How severe they are, how
frequent, and how long they last will vary depending on the individual and
his or her particular illness. Here are common symptoms people with depression experience:
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions.
Fatigue and decreased energy.
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness.
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism.
Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping.
Irritability, restlessness.
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex.
Loss of pleasure in life.
Overeating or appetite loss.
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do
not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings.
Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts.
Warning Signs of Depression
A depressed mood during most of the day, particularly in the morning.
Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day.
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day.
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness.
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Insomnia (an inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (Excessive sleeping) almost every
day.
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
Sense of restlessness or being slowed down.
A key sign of depression is either depressed mood or loss of interest in activities you
once enjoyed. For a diagnosis of depression, these signs should be present most of
the day either daily or nearly daily for at least two weeks. In addition, the depressive symptoms need to cause clinically significant distress or impairment. They cannot be due to the direct effects of a substance, for example, a drug or medication.
Nor can they be the result of a medical condition such as hypothyroidism.
How Common Is Depression?
It is estimated that, by the year 2020, major depression will be second only to ischemic heart disease in terms of the leading causes of disability in the world. But
people with depression sometimes fail to realize (or accept) that there is a physical
cause to their depressed moods. As a result, they may search endlessly for external
causes.
In the U.S., about 14.8 million adults suffer from major depression, according to the
National Institute of Mental Health. The suicide risk in people with this type of depression is the highest rate for any psychiatric condition. For people between the
ages of 10 and 24, suicide is the third leading cause of death. Unfortunately, most
people with clinical depression never seek treatment. Left undiagnosed and untreated, depression can worsen, lasting for years and causing untold suffering, and possibly suicide.
What Are the Warning Signs of Suicide?
Depression carries a high risk of suicide. Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts
or intentions should be taken very, very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local
suicide hotline immediately.
Warning signs of suicide include:
Thoughts or talk of death or suicide
Thoughts or talk of self-harm or harm to others
Aggressive behavior or impulsiveness
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Previous suicide attempts increase the risk for future suicide attempts
and completed suicide. All mention of suicide or violence must be taken
seriously. If you intend or have a plan to commit suicide, go to the emergency room for immediate evaluation and treatment.
Are There Different Types of Depression?
There are a number of different types of depression including:
Major depression
Chronic depression (dysthymia)
Bipolar depression
Seasonal depression (SAD or seasonal affective disorder)
Psychotic depression
Postpartum depression
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25
There are three main types of traumatic stress reactions:
Re-experiencing: Reliving what happened
Avoidance: Staying away from reminders
Hyper-arousal: Feeling anxious or jumpy
Note: These reactions are normal and are not considered post traumatic stress
reactions or PTSD unless they persist for over a month and interfere with daily
life.
RE-EXPERIENCING
Re-experiencing means that your child keeps thinking a lot about the trauma,
even when he does not want to.
Some re-experiencing is normal and natural. Thinking a lot about what hap-
pened, especially at first, is part of how we help ourselves recover from a scary
experience.
Too much re-experiencing can be very distressing. Your child might have nightmares or “flashbacks” that make her feel like she is going through the trauma
all over again. She may feel really upset or even have physical symptoms when
something – a sight, a sound, a smell – reminds her of what happened.
AVOIDANCE
Avoidance symptoms can start by trying not to think or talk about the trauma, or
anything connected with it. Sometimes kids want to stay away from people,
places or activities because these reminders upset them. And children some26
times develop new fears or worries.
Of course, it can be good common sense to be more cautious after an injury.
Children may become more aware of safety -- remembering to wear a seat
belt, not running into the street after a ball, or staying away from dogs they do
not know.
But extreme avoidance or fears can become a real problem. Avoidance can
interfere with daily life and stop your child from getting back to enjoying things
that she usually likes to do.
HYPER-AROUSAL
Hyper-arousal also starts with a natural and normal response to danger – the
“fight or flight response.” After an injury or accident, this “fight or flight” response might not turn off, even when you are safe.
Your heart keeps pounding and you start sweating.
Your body is still on the lookout for danger.
After a scary situation like being injured, your child might have the feeling that
something bad could happen again at any time, or might jump at any loud
noise.
The physical feelings that go along with hyper-arousal can feel scary themselves:
Your child might suddenly feel her heart racing or head pounding.
She might get worried about what these symptoms mean.
Feeling “on guard” for danger much of the time can lead to:
trouble sleeping.
trouble concentrating, and
being extra cranky or irritable.
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Stress Relief in the Moment
Using Your Senses to Quickly Change Your Response to Stress
In This Article
Ever wish a stress superhero could save you from traffic jams, chaotic meetings, or a toddler’s tantrums? Well, you can be your own
stress-busting superhero. Everybody has the power to reduce the
impact of stress as it’s happening in the moment. With practice,
you can learn to spot stressors and stay in control when the pressure builds. Learning quick stress relief won't happen overnight.
Like any skill, it takes time, self-exploration and above all, practice. But think of it as an education with a huge payoff.
Learn to recognize stress
Recognizing stress is the first step in lessening its impact. Many of
us spend so much time in a stressed state, we have forgotten what
it feels like to be fully relaxed and alert. Being stressed out feels
normal.
What does it feel like to be calm and stress-free? You can see that
“just right” inner balance in the smile of a happy baby—a face so
full of joy it reminds adults of the balanced emotional state that
most of us have misplaced. In adulthood, being balanced means
maintaining a calm state of energy, alertness, and focus. Calmness
is more than just feeling relaxed; being alert is an equally important aspect of finding the balance needed to withstand stress.
If you don’t feel calm, alert, productive, and focused most of the
time in your daily life, then too much stress may be a problem for
you.
Tips for recognizing when you're stressed
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When you're tired, your eyes feel heavy and you might rest your head
on your hand. When you're happy, you laugh easily. And when you are
stressed, your body lets you know that too. Try to get in the habit of
paying attention to your body's clues.
 Observe your muscles and insides. Are your muscles tight/sore?
Is your stomach tight or sore? Are your hands clenched?
 Observe your breath. Is your breath shallow? Place one hand on
your belly, the other on your chest. Watch your hands rise and fall
with each breath. Notice when you breathe fully or when you "forget"
to breathe.
Identify your body's stress response
Internally, we all respond to the “fight-or-flight” stress response the
same: blood pressure rises, the heart pumps faster, and muscles constrict. When stressed, our bodies work hard and drain our immune
system. Externally, however, people tend to respond to stress in different ways: some become angry and agitated, others space out or withdraw.
The best way to quickly relieve stress may relate to your specific stress
response.
How do you act when stressed?
When it comes to managing and reducing stress quickly in the middle
of a heated situation, it's important to be familiar with your specific
fight-or-flight stress response.
 Over excited stress response – If you tend to become angry, agitated, or keyed up under stress, you will respond best to stress relief
activities that quiet you down.
 Under excited stress response – If you tend to become depressed, withdrawn, or spaced out under stress, you will respond best
to stress relief activities that are stimulating and that energize your
nervous system.
The immobilization or “frozen” stress response
Immobilization is associated with people who have experienced
trauma and find themselves “stuck”—in a reflexively enraged, panicstricken or otherwise dysfunctional state—and unable to do anything to
move on. Your challenge is to find safety and stimulation to help you
“reboot” your system and rouse you from a “frozen” to “fight-or-flight”
stress response so you can employ additional stress management
techniques. To do this, choose a form of exercise or movement that
engages both your arms and legs, such as walking, swimming, running, dancing, climbing, or tai chi. As you move, instead of continuing
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to focus on your thoughts, focus on your body and the sensations you
feel in your limbs. Adding this mindfulness element can help your
nervous system become “unstuck” and move on.
The basics of quick stress relief
There are countless techniques for preventing stress. Yoga and
mindfulness meditation work wonders for improving coping skills.
But who can take a moment to chant or meditate during a job
Interview or a disagreement with your spouse? For these situations,
you need something more immediate and accessible. That’s when
quick stress relief comes to the rescue.
The speediest way to stamp out stress is by engaging one or more of
your senses—your sense of sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, or
movement—to rapidly calm and energize yourself.
The key to practicing quick stress relief is learning what kind of sensory input helps your particular nervous system find calm and focus
quickly. Everyone responds to sensory input a little differently, so it’s
essential to discover your personal preferences.
Talking to someone who listens attentively: a rapid stress reducer
Social engagement is our most evolved strategy for regulating the
nervous system—and putting the brakes on the fight-or-flight stress
response. Since the inner ear, face, heart, and stomach are wired together in the brain, talking face-to-face with a relaxed and balanced
listener can help quickly calm your nervous system and relieve stress.
Although it’s not always realistic to have a pal close by to lean on,
building and maintaining a network of close friends is important for
your mental health. Between quick stress relief techniques and good
listeners, you’ll have your bases covered.
Bring your senses to the rescue
Here comes the fun part. Remember exploring your senses in elementary school? Grownups can take a tip from grade school lessons
by revisiting the senses and learning how they can help us prevent
stress overload. Use the following exercises to identify the sensory
experiences that work quickly and effectively to reduce stress for you.
As you experiment, be as precise as possible. What is the most perfect image, the specific kind of sound, or type of movement that affects you the most? For example, if you’re a music lover, listen to
many different artists and types of music until you find the song that
instantly lifts and relaxes you.
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The examples listed below are intended to be a jumping-off point.
It’s up to you to hone in on them and come up with additional
things to try.
Sights
If you’re a visual person, try to manage and relieve stress by surrounding
yourself with soothing and uplifting images. You can also try closing your
eyes and imagining the soothing images. Here are a few visually based
activities that may work as quick stress relievers:
 Look at a cherished photo or a favorite memento.
 Bring the outside indoors; buy a plant or some flowers to enliven your
space.
 Enjoy the beauty of nature—a garden, the beach, a park, or your own
backyard.
 Surround yourself with colors that lift your spirits.
Close your eyes and picture a situation or place that feels peaceful and
rejuvenating.
Sound
Are you sensitive to sounds and noises? Are you a music lover? If so,
stress-relieving exercises that focus on your auditory sense may work
particularly well. Experiment with the following sounds, noting how quickly your stress levels drop as you listen:
 Sing or hum a favorite tune. Listen to uplifting music.
 Tune in to the soundtrack of nature—crashing waves, the wind rustling
the trees, birds singing.
 Buy a small fountain, so you can enjoy the soothing sound of running
water in your home or office.
 Hang wind chimes near an open window.
Vocal toning
Vocal toning can be a speedy way to use your breath and voice to relieve
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stress—even if you can’t sing or consider yourself “tone-deaf.” Try
sitting up straight and simply making “mmmm” sounds with your
lips together and teeth slightly apart, listening intently. Experiment by changing the pitch and volume until you experience a
pleasant vibration in your face and, eventually, your heart and
stomach.
Vocal toning can have two interesting effects. Firstly, it can help
reduce the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, making it an
effective means of stress relief. Try sneaking off to a quiet place to
spend a few minutes toning before a meeting with your boss and
see how much more relaxed and focused you feel.
Secondly, vocal toning exercises the tiny muscles of the inner ear
(the smallest in the body). While this might not seem like a big
deal, these muscles help you detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion and tell you what someone is really trying to say. So not only will you feel more relaxed in that
meeting with your boss, you’ll also be better able to understand
what he’s trying to communicate.
Smell and scents
If you tend to zone out or freeze when stressed, surround yourself
with smells that are energizing and invigorating. If you tend to become overly agitated under stress, look for scents that are comforting and calming.
 Light a scented candle or burn some incense.
 Lie down in sheets scented with lavender.
 Smell the roses—or another type of flower.
 Enjoy the clean, fresh air in the great outdoors.
Spritz on your favorite perfume or cologne.
Touch
Experiment with your sense of touch, playing with different tactile
sensations. Focus on things you can feel that are relaxing and renewing. Use the following suggestions as a jumping-off point:
 Wrap yourself in a warm blanket.
 Pet a dog or cat.
 Hold a comforting object (a stuffed animal, a favorite memento).
 Soak in a hot bath.
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 Give yourself a hand or neck massage.
Wear clothing that feels soft against your skin.
Taste
Slowly savoring a favorite treat can be very relaxing, but mindless
eating will only add to your stress and your waistline. The key is
to indulge your sense of taste mindfully and in moderation. Eat
slowly, focusing on the feel of the food in your mouth and the
taste on your tongue:
 Chew a piece of sugarless gum.
 Indulge in a small piece of dark chocolate.
 Sip a steaming cup of coffee or tea or a refreshing cold drink.
 Eat a perfectly ripe piece of fruit.
Enjoy a healthy, crunchy snack (celery, carrots, or trail mix).
Movement
If you tend to shut down when you’re under stress or have experienced trauma, stress-relieving activities that get you moving may
be particularly helpful. Anything that engages the muscles or gets
you up and active can work. Here are a few suggestions:
 Run in place or jump up and down.
 Dance around.
 Stretch or roll your head in circles.
 Go for a short walk.
 Squeeze a rubbery stress ball.
The power of imagination
Sensory-rich memories can also quickly reduce stress. After drawing upon your sensory toolbox becomes habit, try simply imagining vivid sensations when stress strikes. Believe it or not, the
sheer memory of your baby’s face will have the same calming or
energizing effects on your brain as seeing her photo. So if you can
recall a strong sensation, you’ll never be without access to quick
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stress relief tools.
Tips for finding sensory inspiration
Inspiration is everywhere, from sights you see on your way to
work to smells and objects around your home. Explore a variety
of sensations so that no matter where you are you’ll always have
something you can do to relax yourself. Here a few ideas to get
you started:
 Memories. Think back to what you did as a child to calm
down. If you had a blanket or stuffed toy, you might benefit from
tactile stimulation. Try tying a textured scarf around your neck
before an appointment or keeping a piece of soft suede in your
pocket.
 Watch others. Observing how others deal with stress can
give you valuable insight. Baseball players often pop gum in their
mouth before going up to bat. Singers often chat up the crowd
before performing. Ask around about what people you know do to
stay focused under pressure—it could work for you too.
 Parents. Think back to what your parents did to blow off
steam. Did your mother feel more relaxed after a long walk? Did
your father do yard work after a hard day? Try some of the things
they did to unwind; they might work for you too.
Take a break from technology
Taking a short hiatus from the television, computer, and cell
phone will give you insight on what your senses respond to best.
Here are some "unplugging" tips:
 Try tuning into relaxing music instead of talk radio during your
commute. Or try riding in silence for 10 minutes.
 Stuck in a long line at the grocery store? Instead of talking on
your cell phone, take a moment to people watch. Pay attention to
what you hear and see.
 Instead of checking e-mail while waiting for a meeting to
begin, take a few deep breaths, look out the window, or sip some
aromatic tea.
 While waiting for an appointment, resist the urge to text and
give yourself a hand massage instead.
Make quick stress relief a habit
Let’s get real. It’s not easy to remember to use our senses in the
middle of a mini—or not so mini—crisis. At first, it will feel easier
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to just give into pressure and tense up. The truth is, quick stress
relief takes practice, practice, and more practice. But with time,
calling upon your senses will become second nature. Here’s how
to make it habit:
Learning to use your senses to quickly manage stress is a little
like learning to drive or to play golf. You don’t master the skill in
one lesson; you have to practice until it becomes second nature.
Once you have a variety of sensory tools you can depend on,
you’ll be able to handle even the toughest of situations.
 Start small. Instead of testing your quick stress relief tools on
a source of major stress, start with a predictable low-level source
of stress, like cooking dinner at the end of the day or sitting down
to balance your checkbook.
 Identify and target. Think of just one low-level stressor that
you know will occur several times a week, such as commuting.
Vow to target that particular stressor with quick stress relief every time. After a few weeks, target a second stressor. After a few
weeks more, target a third stressor and so on.
 Test-drive sensory input. Experiment with as much sensory
input as possible. If you are practicing quick stress relief on your
commute to work, bring a scented handkerchief with you one
day, try music another day, and try a movement the next day.
 Make “have fun” your motto. If something doesn’t work,
don’t force it. Move on until you find your best fit.
 Talk about it. Verbalizing your quick stress relief work will
help integrate it into your life. It’s bound to start a fascinating
conversation—everyone relates to the topic of stress.
The best part of quick stress relief is the awareness that you have
control over your surroundings. Even if you share a work area,
you can personalize your space to serve as a “stress prevention
zone” or to put quick stress relief within arm's reach. We all have
our stress hotspots. Where are yours?
 Entertaining. Prevent pre-party jitters by playing lively music. Light candles. The flicker and scent will stimulate your senses. Wear clothes that make you feel relaxed and confident instead of stiff and uncomfortable.
 Kitchen. Cool the kitchen commotion by breathing in the
scent of every ingredient you use—even if you’re just opening
cans. Delight in the delicate texture of an eggshell. Appreciate the
weight of an onion.
 Children and relationships. Prevent losing your cool during
a spousal spat by breathing and squeezing the tips of your thumb
and forefinger together. When your toddler has a tantrum, rub
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Quick acting stress-busting tips
lotion into your hands then breathe in the scent.
 Sleep. Too stressed to snooze? Try using a white noise machine for background sound or a humidifier with a diffuser for a
light scent in the air.
Creating a sanctuary. If clutter is upsetting, spend 10 minutes
each day to tidy and organize. Paint the walls with a fresh coat of
your favorite calming color. Display photos and images that make
you feel happy. Throw open the curtains and let in natural light
whenever possible.
Quick stress relief at work
 Meetings. During stressful sessions, stay connected to your
breath. Massage the tips of your fingers. Wiggle your toes. Sip
coffee.
 On the phone. Inhale something energizing, like lemon, ginger, peppermint or coffee beans. While talking, stand up or pace
back and forth to burn off excess energy. Conduct phone business
outside when possible.
 On the computer. Work standing up. Do knee-bends in 10minute intervals. Wrap a soft scarf around your neck. Suck on a
peppermint.
 Lunch breaks. Take a walk around the block or in the parking
lot. Listen to soothing music while eating. Have a quick chat with
someone you love.
Your workspace. Place family photos on your desk and display
images and mementos that remind you of your life outside the office.
ARTICLE COURTEST OF HELPGUIDE.COM
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37
OF STRUGGLE AND RECOVERY, by Archer Green
The introductions we remember are those that have a strong hook. They ensnare
our fleeting, fickle attention and demand us to look deeper and question further.
With this spirit of discovery in mind, OK Cupid asks lonely romantic hopefuls who are
setting up their profiles to post one very sensitive, telling bit of information in order
to spark interest and discussion: what is the most private thing you are willing to
admit?
I wouldn’t dream of posting the real answer on a dating site for fear it would make
any compatible mate who was unfortunate enough to stumble upon it run quickly in
the other direction. But, I think it is important that my truth is spoken, because it
may benefit others to read it, and so many who have similar stories are bound by
fear and circumstance to stay silent.
So, here it is: the most transformative experience of my life was the period during
which I was forced to ignore my transition and pose as my birth sex to prevent being
victimized as I slept on a mat in the gymnasium of a homeless shelter.
I was no stranger to struggle. After being the sole caretaker for a mother whose life
was being stripped away by degenerative disease, enduring an adolescence filled
with abuse and gender dysphoria, tending our home and small farm, and persevering through bouts of debilitating illness, I felt well-equipped to handle any scenario
that dared to intrude upon my life. I was thoroughly unprepared for the day that I
had no job, no home, and no options. I consolidated my belongings into a backpack
and a rolling suitcase and boarded the evening bus feeling resigned, yet determined.
Few imagine themselves living in a shelter, but it was a necessary step on the path to
rebuilding my life.
As I disembarked on the street corner adjacent to my destination, I took in a few
lungfuls of air and attempted to steel myself. I trudged toward the entrance, burdened with the weight of all that remained of my life, and I stopped abruptly as the
words spoken to me on the phone earlier that day crashed upon the walls of my
mind. “Men enter on Williams Street, and women and children use the ramped entrance on Commerce Avenue.”
38
Where did that leave me—a scared trans masculine youth who had changed
my name and mode of dress, but had not yet started testosterone therapy and
did not often pass? I had felt such liberation from discarding my old identity
that I could not conceive of dusting it off and using it again. I had done what I
previously thought to be impossible: I came out to a largely resistant family
and social network, changed my name and pronouns, started on the path to
accepting this ill-fitting vessel, and began for the first time to feel some semblance of belonging. Now, on top of the feral anxiety and feelings of failure I
was already feeling as a result of my housing crisis, I would be forced to backslide into the box that had caused me so much self-loathing and anguish that it
made life not worth living. But, if I didn’t do so, there was the all too real possibility that I would be placed in the men's’ shelter and harmed by its residents
on account of my identity and appearance.
With no small amount of trepidation, I apprised the woman at the front desk of my dilemma, yearning for a solution that kept both mind and body safe. Because of my legal
gender marker and appearance, I was assigned to the women's’ shelter.
I was shepherded to dinner, then a changing room where I was forced into ill-fitting
flowered scrubs, and finally the gymnasium, where I was given a sheet and a mat and
instructed to make friends with the women I was to share my nights with.
The dysphoria was, in a word, carnivorous. Sitting on my mat, being saddled with titles
such as Barbie and ma’am while wearing clothes that accented my unwanted femininity and dealing with the emotional and logistical complexities of being homeless was the
kind of torture I would never wish on anyone. But, once I was able to take a moment
to look beyond myself and learn from the situation, I found that I was much improved
for it.
This experience broke down any preconceived notions I had about the nature of humanity just by virtue of going through it, and it replaced them with compassion and
humility. In retrospect, this night catapulted me into a lifetime of devotion to human
service.
Hiding my identity to ensure my safety, regardless of the dysphoria it caused me, provided perspective about the extreme degree of marginalization that many gender nonconforming people face. This understanding solidified my desire to fight for
transgender rights and serve the gender variant community.
39
More broadly, I learned that the roads that lead to homelessness are all very diverse,
and they are so wildly different from stereotypes that it is hard to reconcile truth and
public opinion. My truth is that the lessons the women at the shelter taught me
about camaraderie, acceptance, kindness, survival, and poverty have inspired me to
offer hope, help, and the possibility of rescue to those who feel they are beyond
these things.
Painful though it might have been to experience all of this firsthand, it inspired me to
help forge a world in which people like me can live lives of safety, dignity, and normalcy.
And that, dear readers, is the most private thing I am willing to admit.
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41
I have attached a recent painting that illustrates how depression feels to
me...it's not that I CAN'T see the good at all...it's worse. I can see it in the
distance but it just seems too long and too tough a journey to make. My
head may be above water, but my spirit feels unable to move. For me, getting these demons on paper through a brush helps to weaken them somehow. But they are still there, always...waiting…
Carol VanderNat
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LGBTQ+ friendly and supportive Pastor and Church. Please contact Pastor Jane for
your spiritual and wedding needs.
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When the day dies,
giving birth to each night,
I search for reasons in my heart,
To not give up the fight,
Whenever I weigh the options,
And look for a reason why,
My only answer, every time,
I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO DIE,
Every life I've ever touched,
Is damaged by my path,
Even those I've loved so much,
Suffer because I'm bad,
My heart is empty and I can,
Never heal myself,
Anything I thought I had,
Was false and nothing else.
Jacquie Glenn
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I have become for the last little while pretty suicidal for a huge number of
reasons. And there's absolutely no reason that I should be. Life is pretty fantastic for Krystal.
I do need a job, and despite having disabilities. I really want to have some
independence. Make my own. Not having a job is one of the things upsetting
me.
There's a ton of fear that goes into this too. There's an overwhelming fear of
failure as in I get a job, and get promptly fired cuz I can't do it well enough.
So that is in the back of my mind, though I really am trying to think positive.
Cooking that I can do. I love it, It's a passion. And if I can get a job doing
that, I have no fear, cuz I know that I'm an awesome effing cook.
Anyway my girl, my mom got something really super special for me yesterday, and now I feel gorgeous. I feel unstoppable, I feel like Miss America
and Wonder Woman all combined. And things are only gonna get better.
Do I still need some help for some baggage I carry. Yes I absolutely do. I
don't want to be carrying all these bags anymore.
But since I don't know how to deal with it all. I will find someone who can
help me sort it all out.
I know now without a doubt that I'm awesome. Well ok I have always
known but it took so much for me to be where I am at now.
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49
Death of a Demon
Payne stood up and scanned the darkness, the shadows almost impossible to
see through. He knew he was being followed and he had an idea by
who. Closing his eyes a moment, he drew a breath and listed to the near still
sounds of the forest. Five miles, maybe six. They could cover that distance
faster than he could. Any Tormentor would be an even match for a Shadow
Fiend, but Payne was not just any Tormentor. He was seen as weak by his
own kind. Tall, willowy and gentle, he had a soft spot in his black heart no other
of his kind had. As a youngling he found a dying dog and instead of torturing it
in its final hours, he held it in his arms and cried, finally making one single violation of the animal’s life to create a monstrous Tormentor-dog pet. His father slit
the dog’s throat when brought home and beat Payne for hours with a whip to
teach him a lesson.
“Youngling, you are weak!” He hissed between lashes. “How dare you use our
powers to make your own pet. If the council were to find out, they would end
your life slowly”
Payne shuddered as the sound of his father’s voice echoed in his mind… so
many years past and he went off on his own, away from the rest of his family. The only minor familiar thing he kept with him was the ragged teddy bear
he’d found in an empty farm house as a youngling, tucked away in his tight
coat. His long fingers stroked the lump where the little toy lay underneath and
hidden away.
He shook his head, to bring him back to the now, moving quickly to find a place
best suited to defend himself against the enemy. The shadows were used to
their advantage, but Payne knew what would work for himself. A mile along the
shallow creek was a enough of a drop off to make a decent waterfall… here he
could back himself against the stone and face the enemy and have a chance to
save his own skin.
It took him no time at all to find the rock wall, the water tumbling down over the
stones. This would have to do, it was only a little taller than himself, but he
crouched down with a long piece of wood gripped in his hand to wait. He felt
his way to the middle where the rock created a bit of an overhang, his coat slick
with water and his boots heavy, making his progress difficult, but he could hear
the odd whispers over the splashing water. “See… you.”
He turned to face the shadows in front of him.
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“Weakling…. all alone.”
Payne let out a hiss, but sadly it was one that wouldn’t instill fear in a rabbit
let alone a Shadow Fiend. Perhaps the rabbit did faint, he couldn’t know for
sure.
“Alone… unwanted.” The voice whispered.
He growled like an angry feline. “Never!” his voice cracked a bit has he uttered the word.
The darkness seemed to chuckle as a pair of red eyes peered at him from
the shadow. “Coward… hide in the waterfall like a frog.”
Payne finally bared his sharp teeth at the being. “Hardly… if you are so
brave, you come forward!”
The shadows seemed to fold around the eyes and the male finally stepped
forward. “Fine, I will come and get you coward Tormentor.” The long blackpurple hair moved like a veil around his face, his own twisted smile full of
sharp teeth. “I don’t fear your kind and to kill the coward Tormentor will be an
easy one too.”
Payne shook a bit in rage, which the other being took for weakness and
came forward slowly and further from the shadows. “An easy kill for me,
yes….”
“No female… no one wants you. Such an embarrassment you are. Kill you
and keep your head for a trophy.
Without the shadows, the Fiend had much less power, but was still
strong. Thankfully he didn’t see the long branch he gripped in his arm under
the falling water.
“Bold statements for you, tracking down a Tormentor!” Between his own anger and the cold water, he couldn’t help but chatter his teeth, making the
Shadow Fiend laugh even more. Stopping only outside an arms length from
Payne he looked him square in the eyes. “Are you ready to die young
one?” Without hesitation, Payne swung his arm, log and all, bringing the full
force across the side of the Fiend’s head, knocking him down. Taking the
opportunity to pounce on the falling creature, he dug his claws into the other’s face as he pushed it down under the water.
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The Fiend scrambled to dig his own hands to free his face, now submerged under the cold water. In a panic, he tried to squirm away from the young Tormentor, but soon he would need to breath or slip into the shadows to escape.
Payne clung to the wiggling being, desperately trying to throw a leg around the
other’s body to hold him down till he drowned. It was a true fight to the death…
and within five minutes was over as the Fiend sucked down water instead of
air. Gasping for his own breath, Payne finally let go after feeling the other creature stop fighting. He gripped the male by the hair and pulled him from the creek,
twisting its neck to make sure it was truly dead before dropping to his knees in
the gravel. The weak Tormentor killed his first foe. He would be welcomed
home as one of his own again with no questions.
For some time he sat, shivering against the cold before moving to the dead
body. A trophy… he must return with something! He turned the lifeless body
over to stare into the eyes that had turned black. The head would be too cumbersome to carry, but the signet ring of the Shadow Fiends would be perfect for
one. He pulled the ring off the finger and stopped, slipping it back on and severing the whole hand from the arm. A hand would do perfectly. Not only bring the
ring, but the whole hand of his enemy home! He nodded, the bent over and
gagged, spilling bile and some of the remnants of his last meal next to himself. This would be something he’d have to live with for a very long time.
He moved to pull the Fiend’s bag from its body and shoved the hand inside, then
searched the body for other trinkets and weapons to take with him. When satisfied, he stood slowly and made his way in the direction of home.
The demon was now dead.
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Krystal's story
My name is and has in my soul of me always has been Krystal Raihannah Waters.
Though for years I had to live under a name, a male name that was forced on me. Which
was painful to say the least. I was born on February the 12th of 1971. Things were repressed at that time. I was adopted. Though I had a loving mother, I had a step father
who was hateful and abusive. To give you an idea of how abusive and hateful this man
is, he beat me with a belt when I was a baby in the crib. I had black and blue marks on
my legs for months. They kept the pictures and showed them to me later. It's my belief
the sick twisted man wanted me to see the abuse...he did it all because I was crying. I
could have died. So for at least 42 to 43 years I have suffered abuse from this man in
some form. The latter years in the form of verbal abuse every chance he gets. He can't
speak to me without making digs. He hates me. He even admitted, finally, that he never
wanted me. I really needed that closure, for him to at least finally admit that much.
It hurt, of course it does, but there's a relief there. I knew I wasn't crazy. I felt validated
in my feelings about him. Now back to the early years, it was pure hell. I was physically, emotionally, mentally abused. I was under this abuse every single day that I would
do absolutely anything to escape it. I was bullied relentlessly at school, by teachers and
kids. Getting beaten was a daily occurrence, only to go home and get beaten again for
something, he always had a "reason" if it were bad grades, or not fighting back the
group of kids who beat me up, or not doing one of the rather large number of chores I
had, or just for lookin at him wrong. He always had a "reason" to say for beating me. He
used a belt for a long time then graduated to this thick board when I was like 10 or
something.
It was a nightmare, I would lay in bed at night crying, wishing for death, or wishing
death on him. I wanted out. I wanted freedom because as all this was happening to me I
knew I was a girl. But I couldn't say anything, and I knew that I couldn't. I was also
made to do masculine hard chores like cutting wood and working in a greasy disgusting
machine shop. Oh how I hated that the most. Getting grease on me, being shown how to
rebuild engines cuz he wanted me to be like him. I hated it. I didn't care to know that
shit...I was more interested in cooking, in fact I remember an outburst of violence
against me when he learned I had taken home economics, and I had to drop out and
change it due to constant badgering which is why I am so happy now to cook. I've always loved it, all my life. Now of course he denies all of this, tries to make me feel like
I'm crazy. This man wanted to put me in a conversion therapy long ago because I loved
heavy metal. He would also call me worthless and useless several times a day everyday..
I turned to drugs in my teen years and found an escape. I became dark during this time, I
took martial arts Tea Kwon Do to specify, and I got a knife. One day in my first year of
High School some assholes were messing with me.. I pulled the knife, told them they
better back the f--- off. Had it not been for this sexy muscled up senior stepping in telling them to leave me alone, I was at that moment in my life fully prepared to kill them, I
would have attempted to kill them all. Because I was tired of the bullshit. The guy that
saved me, this handsome gorgeous black guy, muscles and his...well I secretly fanta-
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sized about being his girlfriend. He was my first man crush. But I had to keep it to myself. So that was what I have dealt with most of my life, when I finally came out my step
father mocked me, said I will make a ugly woman, made disgusting sexual comments.... I don't talk to him now, I'm changing my last name because that is the last thread
connected to him and I am severing it.
So words like "Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about." Or "this is going to hurt
me more than it does you." Will forever swirl in thoughts mixing with all this pain and
will haunt me forever. Now thanks to Patricia, Dora, Randi, Shawn, Jessica, Maggy and
many others love and support, I can finally be who I am and have the love and support
that I have always been needing. Thanks for my true family and thanks to Father
Robert! I love you all.
I'm Krystal Raihannah Waters and that's my story.
Ps, I only wish that I had a daddy and it hurts that I don't. It's something missing in my
life.
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