Residual Trace

ResidualTrace
2
OtherBooksbyTracyC.Mansfield
Prominence:fromSensationtoLanguage(1997)
3
ResidualTrace
TheTaleworthyCatastrophesofa
ThrillseekingChild
TracyC.Mansfield
ClyrInkPress
MMXIV
4
ResidualTrace:TheTaleworthyCatastrophesofaThrillseekingChild
byTracyC.Mansfield
Pleasereporterrorsto:[email protected]
Copyright2014TracyC.Mansfield
FirstPDFEdition(RegularPrint)
Overthepastcoupleofdecades(orso),someversionsofsomeoftheindividualchaptersthathavebeen
includedinthisvolumewereregisteredwithseparatecopyrights,buttheyhavenotbeenpreviously
published.
Epigraph:August,John(screenplay),andBurton,Tim(Dir.)BigFish.(2003)Columbia.
Part1Epigraph:Mistler,Jean(1949)BenjaminConstantetMadamedeStaël,LettresàunAmi,CentOnzeLettres
InéditesàClaudeHochet.BantamClassics:NewYork.(p.10)
Part2Epigraph:Clarke,ArthurC.(1962)"HazardsofProphecy:TheFailureofNerve,"inProfilesofthe
Future:AnInquiryintotheLimitsofthePossible.Harper&Row:NewYork.(p.7)
Part3Epigraph:Bornstein,Ruth.(1976)LittleGorilla.ClarionBooks:NewYork.(p.1)
Part4Epigraph:Carrol,Lewis.[CharlesLutwidgeDodgson](1872)ThroughtheLooking-Glass,andWhatAlice
FoundThere.MacmillanandCo.:London.(p.10)
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productnames:M&Ms,EmergencySeverityIndex,Frogger,Bailey's,CoolWhip,Wizzzer,Shutterfly,
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« Contents »
FrontMatter
Foreword
Preface
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Prologue
BodyMatter
StoryPart
SafetyFirst
TheCannon
LibraryFine
Discoveries
Explorations
MyDogHasaNose
IAmaLuckyMan
WeAllScream
TheBridgeofHisNose
TheThickEndoftheWedge
IDoNotPledge
AProcessofElimination
GrahamGreene
SharingaRide
TheoryPart
LosersKeepers
TheNewGenetics
MermaidsArePractical
Isolation
ProbeTest
MysteriousSympathies
«Contents»
7
SemeiognomyBasics
School-AgeSpectralSpellingDevelopment
OrangutanPrecognition
CookbookPart
RiceCake
WatermelonPickles
PersimmonCookies
IceCreamBread
UnrealPart
SeminomaEvening(YouWillMeetaStranger)
DistilledAdvice
ChemoJournal
AnOpenLettertoMyExes
BackMatter
Epilogue:Epitaphy
SuggestedMedia
Colophon
AbouttheAuthor
«Contents»
8
« Foreword »
(memories)jotteddownintheformoffreewriting.Ihopethat
"E
someoftheseinspireawrittenstoryortwo.Iwasoriginallyjusttryingtothinkoftimesthatweputour
NCLOSED YOU'LL FIND SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
livesindanger,andfoundmythoughtswanderingmorerandomly.IbegantorememberthingsIhaven't
thoughtofinyears.IhadstartedtothinkthatIhadaprettystrongblockofanychildhoodmemories,but
asIstartedjottingthemdown,thingsjuststartedpoppingup.Iwrotethemdownastheyoccurredtome,so
mytrainofthoughtmightappeartobeabitconfused,buttherereallyisarelationformostofthem.Iput
downalmosteverything,evenembarrassingstuff,exceptforthetimewhen[nope,just...no].Thatmemory
wasprettyrepressed.
NowthatI'vestarted,I'mhavingtroubleshuttingofftheflowofthoughtsandIfindmyselfwishing
thatIhadapenandpaperatweirdtimes,likewhenI'mswimming;Igetanxious,likeifIdon'twriteit
downreallyquicklyI'llforgetandwon'tbeabletoremember.
Ithasalsobeenfeelingrathertherapeutic."
—JeffreyA.Mansfield
Inresponsetotheauthor'srequestforstories
«Foreword»
9
« Preface »
I
HAVEBEENCOLLECTINGPERSONALANECDOTESABOUTCHILDHOODMISADVENTURES,usuallyastiedtoaninjury,forover
fortyyears.Readingaboutthemisfuninitsownright,andIwrotethisbooklargelytobeenjoyedsolely
astheirarchive.I'mhopingthatthesetaleswilllendyousympatheticsquirminess.
Andyoumightwellstoprightthereatthat"story"level,butIcan't.It'simpossibleformetogatherso
muchofanythingwithoutresolvingcategoriesandpatterns.Whentakenalltogether,thesestoriessuggest
thatone'sapproachtopersonalrelationshipsmatures(somewhat)systematicallywith(forebrain)
developmentinrisk-takingbehavior.Whatyoulearnfromtheseearlyexplorationscaninfluencehowwell
yougetalongwithotherpeopleasyougetolder.
So,whatyoulearnasakidfromyourdangerousinteractionswiththingscanaffecttherisksthatyou
takeinyourrelationshipswithpeopleasyougetolder.
Yes,Icouldbewrong.ButhowwouldIknow?
That'swhereyoucomein;thisbooksolicitsyouropinionsjustincaseI'vegonetrippinglybweeeeZORP.If
that'sthecase,thenwithyourhelpmydescentintomadnessmightatleastbemodestlygraceful.
Thatsaid,it'snotlikelythatI'mmakingallofthisupasIgoalong.Asidefromplentyofpersonal
experienceinbeingthekidwhowasstubbornlybentonauxiliaryself-obliteration,I'vespentmylifeankledeep(upside-down)inthestudyandapplicationofform-meaningsystems(typicalanddiverse,humanand
not),mostrecently:CognitiveScienceandLinguistics(doctorate);CommunicationDisordersandSciences
(additionalmaster's);afewyearsasaChiefResearchScientistfornaturallanguageprocessingprojects;and
severalyearsasaSpeech-LanguagePathologistandAssistiveTechnologySpecialistforaK-21LifeSkills
educationprogram.I'mnotsurewhatthatmakesme,exactly,butitissurelysomethingmorealongthe
linesof"anexpertinthefield"than"acake."
Well,probably,anyway.Yousee,thethingis...
(Whatfollowsgetsdense,andmanyofyouwillbehappierskippingstraighttotheStoryPart.)
Firstofall,mycognitionisnotwhatyoumightcall"normal"(unlessyouwereinacontrarymood).My
wholelifeIhavehadtoworkonstrategiestocompensateformyspectrumypervasivedevelopmental
disorder(PDD),anddosoinafamilyfulloffolks(andinthemidstofmanyfriendsandassociates)who
havehadtodealwiththeirownthematicvariationsonthisrelationalchallenge.
Secondofall,whileIamsensitivetoimagisticpatternsinthissortofnoisydata(orotherrandom[-ish]
stimuli),ItendtobefairlyspecificaboutthekindofthingthatIacceptaslikely;inotherwords,Iamnot
pareidolicorapophenic,andIdon'thavetoworryunusuallymuchaboutShermer's"patternicity"and
"agenticity."Respectively,then:
a)whileImightseeapictureofSt.Albert'sfaceinacross-sectionofafiveleafyam,Idon't
automaticallyassumethathebotheredwiththatlittlebitofself-promotion(Werenfrid,
yes,possibly,butAlbietheGreat,notsomuch);
b)whileIcanacceptthathumanshavehadaneffectovertimeonEarth'senvironment,I
feelnounexaminedcravingtogluttonouslyswallowthewhole"globalwarming"pill
«Preface»
10
buffet;
c)whiletwiceinfiftyyearsIhaveheardaverybriefvoiceinmyheadthatpurelyfelttobe
fromanOutsideSource,Icanneitherdefinitionallynorcategoricallyverifyit...nor
woulditseemappropriatetometogetall"bottomup"(or"bottomsup")aboutthe
event;and
d)mylifeissothoroughlyfraughtwithwildcoincidenceastomakethatofDickenslook
positivelytame.[Note1]
Inotherwords,Iamscientistenoughtohavegooduseforproof-basedarguments,andmysticenoughto
enjoythebenefitsoffaith-basedexplorationbeyondthoselimits.Ihaveplayedwiththestrengthsand
weaknessesofbothtypesofsystemsdeeplyenoughnottoplacebetsontheirthumbwar,andpreferthe
emergentapproachfavoredbytheiroffspring.Itendtocallthatplausibility,oneofmyfavoriteaspectsof
whichiscoherence,butIexpectthatitmighttakeseveralmanydecadesforlanguagestocatchuptowhere
it'seasytotalkabout(i.e.,wherethatparadigmisafamiliarentityaboutwhichtoconversewithmeaningful
clarityusingcommonvocabulary).
Inthemeantime,we'rescrewed.
Thirdofall,fornearlyfortyyearsofmylifeIwasenormouslysleepdeprived,withinterruptions
occurringonaprettyconsistentaverageofnearlyeightytimesperhour.Ihaddifficultywithfuguestates,
sleepwalking(ofatypethatincludedlucidconversation),andaninabilitytostayawakeinclass.Testsinmy
teensandtwentiesshowedthatIwasspendingalmostallofmydaydownaround7Hz(asopposedtoa
moretypical14-40).Whatconfoundsmeisthatnoonemanagedtoassociatethissyndromewithmysleep
impairmentuntilIwaslivinginCanada,whenadoctortoldme(ratherarchly)thatmyabilitytofallasleep
underanycircumstances(whetherornotanybodydroppedahat)wasnotatalentofwhichtobeproud.In
short:myfirstmonthonaCPAPprofoundlyrewrotemywayofbeingintheworld.
Fourthofall,andfinally,therearesomeprominentvariationsinthewaythatsomepeopledevelop
theirpersonalinternallanguage,andtheyoftenhavelittlenotionthatothersdon'tsharetheirindividual
modeof"self-talkfeeling."Somethinkinmusic,forexample,andcanspontaneouslycomposeamelodyas
easilyasifsomeoneelseweresimplydescribingtheirday.(Someareseeminglyborntothislanguage,some
learnit,andothersemergeintoit.)Stillothersappealtosymbolicsystemsthataremuchmoresimilarto
math,olfactorymatrices,tie-dyedlava-lampisms,propositions,flowcharts,choreography,andsoon.My
ownisalmostentirelyverbalwithastrongauditoryquality(butnotlikeactualvoicesinmyhead),fanned
outinnetworkedargumentswiththeaudibleequivalentofmegapaisleysofcurlicuedclausalsubordination.
ThatoftenmakesitdifficultformetofigureouthowlittleIneedtosay(andwillmakemoresensecloserto
theendofthebook,afterwe'vetalkedaboutsymbolicsystems).
Whichbringsustothethirdpurposeforwritingallofthisdown:Iwouldlikeyoutolearnmoreabout
peoplelikeme,andwhatwehavetodotogetalongwellwithpeoplelikeyou.
Whichfinallybringsustowhatthisbookisnotfor.
Ididnotwritethisbookasself-helpadviceforotherchallengedindividualswhoaretryingtofigure
outhowtonavigateamongneurotypicalfolks.AnyspecificstrategiesthatImightsuggestwouldnotlikely
fityou,becauseourmutualdifferenceswilltendtosignificantlyoutweighthatoneparticularsimilarity
(includingfurtherdifferenceswithinanysuchsameness).
Lookatitthisway:aneggmightwriteabookrueingitsroleasanellipsoidinaroundworld[Note2],
buteventhoughanorbitinitsaudiencewouldalsoberound-ish(liketheegg),itwouldtendtotakeaway
nothingmorethanageneralsenseofkindredsupport.Yes,theywouldbothshareintheovoidstruggleto
overthrowtheround-dominanthegemony(orhowevertheoppressedcircloidsdescribetheirClassStruggle),
butthatsimilaritywouldonlygosofar.It'snotliketheorbitwouldbeabletopersonallybenefitfromthe
vinegar-applicationtechniquesthattheeggusedtoprepareitself(withalittlehelpfromitsfriends)forthe
ordealofmulti-cloacalretroshaping.[Note3]
«Preface»
11
(Ifyoufoundthathardtoread,well,nowyouknowwhyIcannevermakeitthroughMarxist
material.)
Inotherwords,it'salreadyhardenoughformetosiftmypersonalpathologyoutofmypersonality,or
toassignweightsamongotherpropertiesemergingfromnatureinteractingwithnurture,withouttryingto
translatethatmeaningfullytosomeotherpersonwhomightonlybelikemeinthattheyarealsounlike
moretypicalpeople.(See?Theegg-xamplewaseasiertoparse.)Ihavenoeasy,global,transferable
solutions.Ionlyhavesomeobservationsabouttheproblem,somedescriptionsofthecompensatory
strategiesthatarehelpfulforme,andoccasionallyasmallbagofpeanutM&Ms(thatarelikelytobegone
bythetimeyoufindmeanyway,sonevermindaboutthem).
Thatsaid,forthosefewofyouforwhomthismaterialstrikesaresonantchord,youmightatleastfeela
bitlessaloneinregardstoyourindividualversionofthissortofPDD(nototherwisespecified).
Anddon'ttakewhatIhavetosaytooseriously.Justenjoyyourself.Ifyou'renothavingfunreading
this,thenforgoodness'sakejustputthebookdown.
NOTES
Note1:ForfurtherinformationonCharlesDickens'viewsregardingthesmallnessoftheworld,andthe
manyfatefulcoincidencesinfluencingpeople'slives(particularlyhisown),youcanreadhisletters(tothe
likesofBrowne,deCerjat,Coutts,andMackenzie),JohnForster'sbiography,andthenthosescholarlyworks
thatdrawuponthosesources.Dickenscreatedlocations,characters,andeventstoreflectreality,andhe
appealedtocoincidencebecauseitwasasmuchanaturalcomponentasanyarchitecturalstyleoraccent.
Thatsaid,Iknowthatthisdynamicdoesnotaffecteveryperson'slifeequally,because(a)Imeetmany
skeptics(orreadtheirbooks),and(b)IhavehadconversationswithdozensofpeopleasIhavebecomepart
oftheirlivesregardingtheirgettingusedtoincreasedsynchronicweirdness(proportionaltoouremotional
closeness).[Back]
Note2:Workwithmehere.Inascenariowhereaneggcanwriteabook,I'mnotgoingtoworryabout
whichshapesmightmoreplausiblydominatethatpretenduniversejusttomakeitconsistentandlikely
relativetothelawsthatgovernourallegedlyrealone.OratleastIwouldn'toriginallytendedtohavedone
so,butnowImightneedtothinkaboutitandwriteastory.(Dang.LikeI'mnotbusyenoughalready.)
[Back]
Note3:Yes,Irealizethattheeggwouldbewritingtomillionsofotheroppressedeggs,soaself-help
approachtoitsbookmightbeworthwhile,butthat'sjustaflawintheillustrationthatIchosetomaponto
mysituation.Likesuspenders,youcanonlystretchafigurativeexamplesofarbeforeitsnaps.Thenagain,
inauniversecontainingrelativelyfewplanetswitheggsonthem,orbitswouldstillvastlyoutnumberthe
eggs,sotheratioofuselessnesswouldremainmoresimilartowhatIamfacing.Sothere.[Back]
«Preface»
12
« Acknowledgments »
Iwouldneverhavefinishedthiswork(norinfacteverhavetriedtopullitalltogetherasaunified
book)wereitnotfortheresoluteassistanceofafewterriblypatientpeople,someofwhom(itshouldinall
fairnessbenoted)werenotsoterribleintheirpatienceasothers.
Myparents,LornaandDewey,havere-re-(re-)readnumerousdraftsofvariouspartsofthis
bookfordecadesnow,andhavebeenunstintingintheirsupportandkeenintheir
feedback.Naturally,theyaretheprimarypeoplefromwhomIoriginallyheardthe
familyhistoriesthatfueledmymiscreancy.
ThisbookwouldbeawholelotshorterwereitnotformybrotherJeffandhischildhood
instigationandparticipation;healsosentmealistofmemoryjoggersearlyonthat
gaverisetosomeoftheseretells.Inameaningfulsense,thisbookisonebig
acknowledgmentofhim.
MydaughterKatehasbeenexposedtothesesortsoffamilystorieseversinceshewaslittlelittle(whichisasitshouldbe),andanessentialpartoftheirvaluetomeisthatshe
continuestoenjoythemevenintoheradulthood.Ivalueherinfluenceallthemore
becauseIholdherwriting,drawing,andotherartisticendeavorsinsuchhighregard.
Sara,mywife,isatalentedcommemorationartist.Iwouldhavewrittenthisbookjustfor
thepleasureofhearingherlaughasshereadsit,butIalsofeltlikeIshoulddo
somethingtomatchhereffortswithallofherfamilystoryprojects,suchasthememory
books,celebratorycards,eventvideos,andkeepingourShutterflyaccountcurrent.
NowIcanfeellesslikeaslackerforalittlewhile.Istúmoghrá.Saraalsogetscredit
forspreadingsomeofthesestoriesamongherfamilymembers,whogenerously
contributedtheirencouragement.
MariyaandKeagan,mydaughterandson,alsomademewanttofinallybringthisbook
together,notjustbecausethey'restilllearningwhoIam(asIamthem),butbecauseI
havesomeobligationtoshowthemthatsomethingworthhavingisalsoworthsome
hardwork.Ihadalreadybeendoingprettywellwiththewholebitabout
demonstratingthatgoofingoffisitsownreward.
KatharineandNathan,mynieceandnephew,areloversofbooks,eachintheirown
personalway,andtheyarecrucialtothisprojectbecauseIknowthataboutthem.
Clearlytheylivebusy,curiouslivestoprovideallsortsoffascinatingmaterialagainst
atimewhenTammyandJeffproducetheirownfamilychronicle.Thenagain,thissort
ofwritingoftenfallstothenextgeneration(andinsomesensealwaysdoes).
MycousinLesliereadthisallthewaythroughandwasniceenoughtotellme(atatime
whenIwasworriedthatIhadAspergereditintoglobnoxiousness)thatwhileitmight
indeedberarefiedair,atleastsmartpeoplewouldlikeit.(Soifyoudon'tlikeit,then,
well...justsayin'.)
«Acknowledgments»
13
Thereissomeonewhohasalwaysbeengraciousaboutmystories,butwhomightnotwant
tobementionedherebyname.Ihavelearnedthatsometalesonlybecometellable
withdistance(oftenbutnotexclusivelyintheformoftime),andsomenevergettold,
regardless,becauseyoujusthadtobethere.
Alotofmyfriendshavereadvariouspartsofthisbookoverthedecades(andafewsawit
morerecentlyasawhole).Theirlonginternationalnightmareisover,asIwillfinally
quitpesteringthemforfeedback.They'vealsomadetreasuredcontributionsinbeing
honestabouthowhopelessIamatwritingfictionwithpeopleinit.Youwillbespared
allofthatrubbishduetothedoggeddiligenceofbravepeoplelike:Dave,Judi,Mark,
Nicole,Doug,Bertram,Carl,Greg,Jeremy,Jana,Florin,Zeno,Kate,andEvan(who
alsogenerouslysavedyoufrommypoetry...everyreaderofthisbookoweshimabig
favor).
AndnowwecometoRandy,uponwhomsettlesthemostrecentblameforthisworkbeing
finished.Onedayhesaid,"Youshouldwriteabook"(thebastard),towhichIreplied,
"AaaaAAAWWW,Ialreadywroteone,"inthevainlywhinyhopeofneverhavingto
produceanother.Then,afewdayslater,hesaidthathewouldreadmyblogifIhad
one(ditto),butIknewthattherewasnowaythatIcouldmakemyselfkeepsomething
likethatupdated,sohereweare:mysecondandlastbook...writtentoavoidablog.
Finally,thisbookcouldnothavebeenwrittenwereitnotforthesteadfastcommitmentof
thrillseekingchildreneverywhere,andtheequallydedicatedheroismofsuchinnocent
bystanders(andoccasionalaccomplices)astheirfamilymembers,friends,and
neighbors,includingthekindofparentthatsomeofthesechildrengrowuptobe.
«Acknowledgments»
14
« Introduction »
M
ARILYNMONROEWASENTOMBEDONTHEDAYIWASBORN.I'maboutasoldasthefirstcomputervideogame
(Spacewar),LEDs,audiocassettetapes,theinternet,andsiliconebreastimplants.I'maboutayear
olderthanDoctorWho(theTVshow),lavalamps,andthecomputermouse.
Andcivilrights.
That'smygeneration;Iwasachildinthe60s.
shrug
Yes,Iprobablyshouldhavewrittenthiswhentheanniversarywouldhavebeenaniceround50years
butittookmelongerthanIwasexpectingtofigureoutwhatIwantedtosay.NowIknow:
1)Youhaveyournature.
2)Youhaveyournurture.
3)Youhaveyouremergentpropertiesoftheirinteraction.
Andthat'saboutit,really.
Iknowit'sbeensaidbefore,butIjustwantedtosayittoo.
Therestofthisisdetails.
***
Soifyou'rejusthereforthestoriesaboutmyoddballlifeandyouarenotinterestedinthemore
systemicviewthattiesitalltogether,thenyou'llwanttoskipahead.Thestorychaptersshouldbeeasyto
identifywithintheirfirstfewlines,andyoucanjustignoretheremainder(whichwouldbealmosteverything
outsideoftheStoryPart).
Afterall,thisbookisquitelikeachicken:somepartsarelighterthanothers,somebitsprocessmore
easilythantherest,andsometimesyouneedtobringhomeawholebucketjustsoeveryonecanfindapiece
thattheywant(withthecoatingthattheyprefer)andthenyoucansticktheleftoversinthefridgeforwhen
yougetmoredesperate.Also,somefolksliketoeatgizzards,hearts,cartilage,ortoobsessivelyworryaway
attheperiosteum(andevendigintothemarrow).Whoknows,thisbookmightlayanegg.Plusitpecksinto
craptolookforseeds.
Clearly,alotoflifefricaseesdowntodecidingwhentopushananalogytoofar.
***
Itwasperfectlysafeformeandmybrother(Jeff)toburnagasoline-sprinkled,firecracker-laden,sixfoot-talltoothpicksculptureinourbackyard,becausetherewasnoreasonablewayforustopredictsuch
mysticalinfluencesastheflammabilityofthemodelglue,thejack-in-the-boxingoftheflamingwreckage
wheneveroneendofaspringyarchburnedaway,theneedtorunoverandpullthedogoutofharm'sway,
«Introduction»
15
andtheblazingbitsthathurtledintothedry,deadtreeintheneighbor'syardwhosebranchesdangled
menacinglyovertheoldleafpile.
Talkaboutyourdynamicopportunitiesforpersonalgrowth.Ifonlythissortofthinghadhappened
daily,insteadofjustafewtimesaweek,Imighthavedevelopedbetterstrategiesforcopingwith
interpersonalrules.
Okay,thatlookonyourface(well,notonyoursperhaps,butmostcertainlyontheirs)suggeststhatI've
justleapttoofar,soletmefillinthegapabit.
***
Whatyoulearnaboutconcreteobjectswillteachyousomethingaboutdealingwithmoreabstract
ones.[Note1]Whilethisistrueatanyage,youhavetostartsimply;afterall,youcan'thonestlyexpectakid
tothoroughlynavigateasophisticatedsetofbranchingconsequences(i.e.,tofullyanticipatewhatthewind,
dog,glue,andsudden-release-of-mechanical-energy-stored-in-an-elastic-objectmightdo,bothseparately
andinpermutations).Theyfirsthavetoexperiencesomeofthesesortsofcomplexevents,andofcourselive
throughthemotherwisethepointismoot.
(OK,here'sanotherchancetoskipstraighttotheStoryPart.)
Oncesurvived,theseconcreteexamples(ideally)warnthemaboutthepotentialrisksthatmightoccur
insimilarcircumstances,wherethoseassociationsbecomemoreabstractovertime.(Languagedevelopment
researchshowsthatourappreciationformetaphorandotherfigurativeformsgrowsoverthelifespan.)So
thephysicalsafetyissuessimplywalkpointonthekid'sneedtodevelopmaturestrategiesaroundless
tangibletypesofrisks,suchasfindingoutwhethertheirsignificantother(notjustthesculpture)isheld
togetherwithvolatileadhesivesbeforetheytaketheriskofsettingthatpersononfire.(Figuratively,one
mighthope.)
Therefore,Iamabetterpersontodayforhavinglaidincendiarysiegetomylearningenvironment.
Withthatinmind,then,IcansaywithsomeconfidencethatthewholetoothpickepisodewasentirelyWORTH
IT.
So,asyougrow(andnotjust"get")older,thetrickypartistogeneralizethisrisk-assessmentskilltorun
adifferentkindofmaze,onethatinvolvesgracefullynavigatingemotional,spiritual,social,andothernonphysicalobstacleswithoutsubjectingyourneighborstoabrilliantcascadeofsmolderingdebris.Infact,the
mostcommonthreadbindingthisstorycollectionwouldbemy(mis)adventuresinandaroundthe
developmentofthis(dis)ability.It'sabouthowmywayofthinking/feelingaffectswhetherpeopleandother
thingsget(andnotjust"grow")hurtornot.
Whichisnotanentirelyobviousthingtopointoutaboutthisbook;thatistosay,it'snottriviallytrue
ofeverybookjustbecausealmostalloftheminvolvepeopleandtheirproblems(onewayoranother).Some
folksaremuchbetterpilotsthanIam,sotheyarelesslikelytohaveanysortofunusualproblemsaround
thiskindofpathfinding.Theirstoriesarelikelytofocusonsomethingotherthanthatskill,suchas
approachingthehigher-orderproblemsthatcancropupwiththosepeoplewithwhomyoualready
generallycommunicatewell.
Whichallcomesdowntosayingthatthisbookisabout(a)childhoodthrillseekingbehavior(b)asit
matureswiththerisk-assessmentcentersintheforebrain(c)asthoserisksshifttoaddressincreasingly
complexmatricesinvolvingpeople'sfeelings.Thenaddthebitaboutthishappening(d)inabrainandbody
withrelativelyspectrumyprocessing.
Andwhilethephysicalaspectsofthesestories(suchastheinjuriesandexplosions)arealljust
metaphorsfortheprocessoflearningtodealwithnon-physicalchallenges(likekeepingafriendshipfrom
blowingup),Iwillnotbelaborthatinthebook,soyoucanreadthismaterialatwhateverlevelyouprefer
withoutmypesteringyouaboutitonewayortheother.(Usually.)
«Introduction»
16
***
Forwhatit'sworth,thereisno"cure"forus,whichisjustaswell(frommyperspective)becauseIlike
beingthisway.Besides,anyresearcheffortsImighthavemadeinthatdirectionwouldlikelyhaveinvolved
dangerousexperimentswithdubiouschemicals,whistlinglyhighvoltages,variousclassesoffire,antiquesof
questionableprovenance,increasinglysharpobjects,andruggedlyindividualisticlifestylechoices.Iwasonce
onthebrinkofdevelopingaten-pointplan,butstepsthreethroughninesufferedsevereburnswhenItook
thecaseoffofthelaserprintertowatchitwork.(Stepsevenwillneverbethesame.)Itseemedlikeagood
ideaatthetime.
Thatsaid,thrillseekingitselfisaperfectlynormalmammalianthingtodo,andinfactitissocommon
thatsomeless-than-perfectlynormalmammaliansdoitaswell.Justaskany(perfectlynormalornot)
mammaliantotellyoutheirstory,orstories,abouthowtheyalmostdiedinchildhood.Iknowveryfewwho
don'thaveatleastonesuchstoryofgrievousinjury,andthemostintrepidsurvivingdaredevilsoftenhave
severalsuchtales,eachofwhichgoeswithitsownsetofscars.[Note2]
PleasekeepfirmlyinmindthatI'mnottalkingaboutanyonewhohasreallysufferedthroughsome
sortofillnessortragedy,fatalorotherwise,thatwasn'ttheirownstupidfault.Thisbookisnotintendedto
makelightofthosepeopleorevents;it'sdedicatedtoallthosekidslikemybrotherandmewho,forreasons
notproperlyexposeduntilnow(sorryaboutsaying"exposed"),havetimeandagainengagedinstuntsfrom
whichanysaneindividualwouldhavefledshrieking(oratleastlaughingmaniacally),stuntswhichseemed
tobedesignedfromtheoutsettomaim,bruise,mangle,ruffle,fold,scrape,staple,concuss,andmutilate
theirall-too-willingparticipants.Someoftheseeventsrisetoalevelthatexpertsrefertoas"taleworthy
catastrophe."
Andnoneofthesestoriesisintendedtogetanyonetoactuallytryanything;infact,Ibegyoutoavoid
repeatingtheseevents,andaskyoutonoticethateachofthesestorieshasamoralwhichisusually
somethingalongthelinesof,"Don'tdothis!"Notthatstorymoralseverreallystoppedanybody,butIam
makingagoodfaithefforttoindemnifymyself(andmyheirsandassigns,orwhatever).
***
Thrillseekersarelikeadog,acat,andaraccoon,allrolledupintoonecuriouscarnivore.They're
obsessedwithrummagingthroughotherpeople'sstuffandtakinghomethebestthingsforlater
experimentation.Suchanimalslovetobestimulatedbytheirenvironment.Justtakealookatacatplaying
withstring,orpullingallofthetissuesoutofabox,orconsiderthelengthstowhichanimalcaretakersare
nowgoingtokeepgorillasfrombeingbored,suchasgivingthemtowelsandreamsofpapertoplaywith.It
actuallytakesahighlytrainedmindtositaroundandthinkofnothingforanylengthoftimewithoutgoing
absolutelynuts(hencethecomplaintsaboutpetrifiedbureaucrats).
Humansneedsensorystimulation,ortheygoberserk.Thrillseekingchildrenjustseemtoneeditmore.
Thesekidsareoftendescribedasaccident-proneorunlucky(whennotfoolhardy,overlyexpensiveto
maintain,ortoocleverforanyone'sgood).Farfrombeingunlucky,however,theyarethechildrenwho
survivetotellthetale.EventhoughI'vebeenmangledtovaryingdegreesinawidevarietyofinteresting
ways,I'vealwaysbeenluckyenoughtohealsowellthattheaccidentshavehadnopermanentphysical
effect,otherthantheritualscarsandhealedbones,ofcourse,andtheparentalgreyhair.(Mydadsaysthat
heskippedgreyandwentstraighttobald.)Luckonlydetermineswhethersomeunpredictablefactoris
goingtocomealongandthrowamonkeywrenchintotheworks,suchaswiththetoothpicksculpture.
WhatthisallcomesdowntoisthatthrillseekingchildrenareparamounttemptersofFate.Theyare
notmerelyinterestedintheentertainmentofthemoment,butinthemassivepotentialforlivingthrough
hoursofexcitementifsomethingshouldhopefullygoquiteandutterlywrong.
So,whetheryousimplybrowsethestoriesoffthetop,ormakeadeterminedefforttodigintothe
theory,Ihopethatyouenjoyyourself.
«Introduction»
17
NOTES
Note1:Withconcreteobjectswelearn,forexample,thatthesameresultwilltendtooccurunderthesame
setofcircumstances.Mydad,asakid,rodeabikeupahomemaderampthatusedoneoldtireasalanding
pad.Well,whenthefrontwheelhitthattireheflippedneatlyoverthehandlebars,landedsquarelyonhis
ass,thengothitinthebackoftheheadwiththeseat(asthebikehadpivotedoverthefronttire).Thinking
thatthisrepresentedasequenceofeventswhosemereoddnesswouldkeepitfromhappeningagain,he
rodethebikeuptheramponcemore,gettinghitintheheadagain.(Unbeknownsttohim,hisdadwas
watchingthewholethingfromthekitchenwindow.Thislikelihoodof"insulttoinjury"isanotherlesson.)
Andtherewasthetimethathegotasemicircularcutonhishandwhileusingadefectiveinsecticidespray
pumptodemonstrate(atafamilygathering)howhiscousinhadgottenasemicircularcutonhishandwhile
usingadefectiveinsecticidespraypump.[Back]
Note2:Lastnightweattendedourson'smiddleschoolopenhouse.HisLanguageArtsteacherprojected
onesamplefromtheircurrentexercise,whichwastolistatleasttenlifeevents(whichtheyweretolater
augmentwithsensoryimpressions).Ofthethirteenmemoriesthatthisexemplarystudenthadlisted,nine
wereofinjuries.Thefirstwasoftearingofftheirtoenail.
Thetopofmyson'slistwasknockinghimselfunconsciousafterslippingatthetopofthestairs.(AndI
quote,"Bump!Bump!Bump!")[Back]
«Introduction»
18
ThisbookisdedicatedtoMyFamily,sinequibusnonetperquasomnia.
«Introduction»
19
ResidualTrace
«Introduction»
20
"Thenyouspendyearstryingtocorruptandmisleadthischild,fillhisheadwithnonsense,andstillitturns
outperfectlyfine."
—EdwardBloom
BigFish
«Introduction»
21
« Prologue:Grampa'sLetter »
Redding,Calif.
Aug.17,—62
HiGrandbabyTracy,
Muchwelcometoyoulittlefeller.Wehavebeenintendingtowritetoyouever
sinceyouarrived,butthotwebettergiveyoualittletimetolearntoreadfirst.
Wellbynowyoushouldbeabletoriddlethisout.
I'llbetthisisthefirstmailyouhavereceived.Ifnot,youarerushingthings.
Weareanxioustomeetyou,buthavehadbadcolds,andthinkitbesttowait
awhile.YourGrandpappyhassomethingforyou,butitisnoteasytosendinaletter
sowe'llwaituntilwehaveachancetogetacquainted.
Takegoodcareofyourselfandwewillseeyoulater.
«Prologue:Grampa'sLetter»
22
ʃ StoryPart ʅ
"Ilfautchoisirdanslavieentrel'ennuietletourment."*
—MadameAnnaLouiseGermainedeStaël
LettresàunAmi
*Onemustchooseinlifebetweenboredomandtorment.
ʃStoryPartʅ
23
ʃ SafetyFirst ʅ
I
NEVERGOTHURTDOINGDANGEROUSTHINGS;Ionlygothurtbeingcareful.Infact,therewasonlyonethingthat
reliablygotmeintomoretroublethanbeingcareful,andthatwasbeingextracareful.
ThisleftmeinanawkwardpositionwhenIbecameaparentbecauseIwantedmydaughtertobesafe,
soItriedtoteachhernottobetoocareful.Itoldherthingslike,"Ifyou'rebeingtoocareful,thenyou
shouldn'tbedoingit,"andIheardhermomtellher,"Don'twalkdownthestairswithaswordinyour
pants."Thisiswhykidsthinktheirparentsarecrazy.AndnowthatIhavemorechildren(adaughteranda
son),Icantellyouthatitgetsnoeasier.
AndIcan'tusemyownupbringingasaguidelineforwhattotellmykids.MyparentsandIstarted
outhavingconversationslikethis:
Mom/Dad:"Youshouldn'tdodangerousthings,right?"
Me:"Right!I'llbecareful."
Mom/Dad[high-five]:"Woohoo!"
Acoupleofcareful,hair-raisingepisodeslater,andwehadgraduatedtoadeeperlevelofcommunication:
Dad:"Youshouldn'tdodangerousthings,right?"
Me:"Right!"(NotunlessI'mbeingcareful.)
Mom:"Notevenifyou'rebeingcareful,right?"
Me:"Right!"(UnlessIcanthinkofasafewaytodoit.)
Dad:"Notevenifyouthinkofasafeway,right?"
Me:"Right!"(Wow,they'reserious.I'mgoingtohavetobeextracareful.)
Mom:"Hestillhasthatlookinhiseyes."
Me:"Whatlook?"
Dad:"Stopthinkingaboutawaytodoit!"
Me:"I'mnot.I'mthinkingaboutbeingcareful."(Extraextracareful.)
Dad:"Ohwell…maybewe'lldobetterwiththenextchild."(Theydidn't.)
Asitturnsout,what'sreallydangerousishavingconversationswithparentheses.
Frommypointofview,thesetalkswentalongjustfine,andtherewasnoreasonforthemtobeso
worried.Afterall,wewereincompleteagreement,weren'twe?Iwouldn'teventhinkaboutdoingdangerous
things.Everyoneknewthatdoingdangerousthingswasstupid,Imean,Icouldgethurt.Itwascleartome
thatIwouldonlydothingsifIwerebeingextraextracareful.
Andwhat'saparenttodo?Sure,youcanbabyproofyourhouse,butyoucan'tabsolutelychildproofit.
Andevenifyoucould,youwouldn'twanttoturnyourhomeintoagiantpaddedcell.Well,maybeyou
ʃSafetyFirstʅ
24
wouldwantto,buteventuallyyourkidsaregoingtohavetomoveoutontheirown,andthey'regoingto
needtoknowhowtousethingslikefire,electricaloutlets,forks,andtheoccasionalblowtorch.Besides,
soonerorlater,you'regoingtogettiredoflivinginaplacewhereyou'veblockedoffallofthehotwater
taps.
Fortunately,there'samiddleground:yourhomecanbealathhouse,whichissortoflikeagarden
shed,butlargeportionsofthewallsarescreensofinterwovenlaths.Alathisnothingmorethanalong,
skinny,flexiblepieceofwood.Theideaistocreateanenclosurewhereyoungplantscanacclimatetothe
elementsthroughsomeexposuretoventilationandsunlight,whilestillbeingprotectedfromthefullforceof
theweather.It'sasafeplacewhereyoungthingscangrowstrongenoughtosurviveintherealgarden.
AndwhenIwasakid,wehadareallathhouse.
Itwastuckedawayinthefarcornerofthebackyard,andJeffandIuseditasaclubhousewithsome
ofourfriends.Thepartoftheshedthatwasn'tlathwasdriftwood-greyshiplap.Thewholethingwasabout
fifteenfeetwideandeightfeetdeep,withanasphaltshingleroofslopinggentlytowardstheback,where
therewasafour-footgapbetweenthebackofthelathhouseandthefencebehindit.Thatgaphadarockand-weedfloor,andwasfilledpartwaywitholdfirewoodandspiders.
Earlyonemorning,JeffandItookthedoorsoffofthelathhouse.
"Whywouldyoudothat?"youmightreasonablyask.
"Well,"Imightanswerevasively,"weneededthemforsomething,that'swhy."
Lateron,aboutlunchtime,Dadwanderedintothebackyardtoseewhatwewereupto,whichwas
alwaysasmart,ifoftenwoefullybelated,cautionarymeasure.
HewastalkingwithmeaboutaholethatIwasdigging(thatwasdeepenoughtocollapseand
suffocateme)whenherealizedthattherewassomethingdifferentaboutthelathhouse,atwhichpointa
wholepackofwordsgotstucktryingtocomeoutatonce.
Hewaswrestlingwithadilemma,yousee.
Hisparentalinstinctwasdrivinghimtolectureusabouthowitwaswrongforustoremovethedoors,
buthekeptgettingcutoffinmid-launchbyhisdesiretocomeupwithareasonthatwouldexplainwhyit
waswrong.Hefeltstronglythatifsomethingwerewrong,thenthereshouldbeareason.(Itisconvenient,
butprobablywrongforgoodreason,toblamehislapsedCatholicnessforthatnotion.)
Thechokedfragmentsofsoundsuggestedthathewasthinkingsomethingalongthelinesof,"Taking
thedoorsoffofthelathhouseisclearlyabadthingtodo,right?Youjustdon'tdothat,because…well,it
could…orwhatifabig…ohhell…Iguessthattheboyscanjustputthedoorsbackonwithnoharmdone,
right?Maybeit'snotsuchabigdealafterall."
"Butthenagain,dammit,itsureseemslikethereshouldbesomethingwrongwithtakingthedoorsoff
ofthelathhouse.Evenifthere'snorealreasonforittobewrong,maybeitstillcountsaswrongiftheboys
simplythinkit'swrong."
"Butifthere'snorealreasonforittobewronginthefirstplace,thenthere'snoreasonfortheboysto
thinkit'swrong.Right?"
Atleast,that'sasmuchasIcouldfigureoutfromthestringofmildlystrainedexclamationsthatwent,
"Taking!Don'tdo!Ohhell…butdammit…Right?"
HisgarblingcametoasuddenhaltashehappenedtolookuptoseeJeffstandingcasually(some
mightevensayinsolently)ontheroofofthelathhouse.Dadstrodepurposefullyintobattleashisbrain
eagerlylatchedontotherelativesolidityoftheflagrantroof-climbingviolation.Hisdilemmaevaporated
becausebeingupontheroofwasundeniablywrong,withaclearreason:youcouldfallsixorsevenfeetand
landonyourhead.
ʃSafetyFirstʅ
25
Only,henosoonergotaroundtheendofthelathhouse,readytoaskJeff,"Whatareyoudoingup
there?"(whichisshorthandfor"Getdownfromthere!"plus"You'reintrouble!")whenhesawthatJeffwasnot,
infact,ontheroof.Dadcrunchedtoahalt,armsakimbo.
WhathesawwasJeffwalkingfromtherooftotheneighboringfence,usingthebridgethatwehad
madewiththedoors.
Oh,thethingswedidtoDad'spoorbrain.
Heappearedtobeobservingabriefintervalofrespectfulsilence.
Inthemoment,Ithoughtthathewasseeingthathehadbeenunfair,andthatwedidn'tdeservea
lecture.Afterall,wejustwantedtogetovertotherooffromthefence.Andwhynot?There'snothing
dangerousaboutjustsittingontheroof,Imean,whatcanhappenwhenyou'rejustsitting?Andwealready
knewthatsittingonthefencewassafe.Allwewantedtodowastogetfromthefencetotheroof.Safeplus
safeequalssafe.Simple.
Thechallengewasthe4-footgapbetweenthetwo.Ifwejumped,wemightfall,andtherewasno
reasontotakethatrisk…notaslongaswecouldfigureoutaneasierwayacross.Thesafestthingtodo
wouldbetomakeabridge.Ifwemadeitfromscratch,thenitwouldonlybearicketybunchofplanks
(whichwedidn'thaveanyway),soitwouldclearlybebettertotakethedoorsoffofthelathhousefora
while,andthenputthembackonagainwhenweweredone.Theywouldbeeasytoget,andsturdyaswell.
Whatcouldbesaferthanwalkingacrossastrongbridgeandsitting?Dadhadobviouslycalmeddownso
quicklybecausehesawthatwewerebeingcareful.
Inretrospect,though,Icanseethatitwasn'tfairforustogetDadallworkedupaboutthedoors,
lettinghimgetreadytolectureusaboutclimbingontheroof,andthenthrowhimacurveaboutthiswhole
bridgething.Wewerealreadygrindinghisgearsruthlesslybetweendrive,reverse,andpark,andthen
suddenlywetookitintoourheadstoshifthimintosideways.OurWonkapapa.
ButDadvigorouslyshruggedoffthewhammy,regaininghissenseofpurpose,andIamhappytosay
thatheseemstohavesufferednopermanentdamage(otherthanchronichighbloodpressure).Without
actuallyyelling,heraisedhisvoiceuptowhereJeffwasnowstandingonthefence,andenergetically
accused,"Trace!…ImeanJeff!…Imean…Youknowwhoyouare!Getdownfromthere!Whatareyou
doing?…Someone'sgoingtogethurt!"Andthenalmostasanafterthought,"Takingthedoorsoff?!"
Iwashonestlyconfused.Whatwasheupsetabout?Thedoors?Butputtingthedoorsbackonwould
besupereasy.Gettinghurt?Butwehadgonetoallthistroublejusttoavoidthedangerousalternativeof
leapingontotheroof.Ireallycouldn'tfigureoutwhattheproblemwassupposedtobe,somymouth
steppedinandvolunteered,"What?Youdon'twantustojumptotheroof,doyou?"
Therewasamomentarybuild-up,andthenDadburstout,"Fuschia!"Atleastthat'swhatitsounded
like,butwhatIheardmighthavebeeninfluencedbyhiscolor.Whateveritwas,itwasfunny,whichdidn't
helpthesituation.[Note1]
Soherewewere,laughing,introubleforbeingcareful,eventhoughwecouldthinkofnosaferoption.
But,asmydadexplainedtousinpunishingdetail,therewereanumberofsaferoptionsthatwehad
neverevenconsidered,suchasnotgettingontothefenceortheroofinthefirstplace.(Idon'tknowhow
anyonecouldreasonablyexpectustothinkupacrazyschemelikestayingoffthefence,butmineisnotto
questionwhy…notduringalectureanyway…andcertainlynotoutloud.)Infact,asDadregainedhis
equilibrium,heexplainedtheseoptionstousatlength,andwefoundoutthathehadentertainedanentirely
differentperspectiveonthewholesituation.Hecontinuedtoexplainthistousasweputthedoorsbackon
thelathhouse.Andaswewerewalkingbackinside.Andwhileweweresittingonthecouchforthe
remainderoftheafternoon.Andwhilewewereeatingdinner.Untilcollege.
Maybeifcommonsenseweredistributedinunitsotherthan"licks"Iwouldhavebeenmoreeagerto
getsomeasakid.Andbelieveme,asshewasgrowingupIthankedGodeverydaythatmydaughterhad
ʃSafetyFirstʅ
26
(andstillhas)morecommonsenseinthehemofhergarmentthanIhaveinmywholesockdrawer.SoI'm
nottooworried.She'snowmadeittwentyyearswithoutterrifyingincidentandseemswellonthewayto
doingjustfine,althoughIadmitthatI'llbreathemoreeasilywhenthey'reallthreeofthemthroughtheteen
years.Okay,well,maybetheirtwenties(orso).
IvaluethiswholebridgeepisodeparticularlyhighlybecauseIlearnednotone,butfourcruciallessons.
Lesson1:Kidsdon'tneedtolearnhowtobecareful,theyneedtolearnhowtobe
dangerouswithoutgettingpermanentlyhurt.
Lesson2:Youdon'tgetcreditforcreativeproblemsolvingwhenyou'reintroublefor
creativeproblemcreating.
Lesson3:Adestinationisnosaferthanthepathsyoutaketogetthere.
Lesson4:Inventingfunnyswearwordsinfrontofyourkidscanruinaperfectlygoodmad.
Andjustincaseyou'recurious,"akimbo"isnotamartialart,butcomesfromtheOldNorseikengboginn,
meaning"bentintoacrook."Iwouldhavementionedthisearlier,butIfiguredthatyouwouldn'twantme
toruintheflowofthestory.
You'reentirelywelcome.
NOTES
Note1:Whenmydadwasbutalad,hisdadoncegotsofrustratedthathecouldonlymanagetouttera
strangled,"prock!"Whichofcourseleftmydadrollingonthefloorinafitofhelplessmirth.So,youknow,
genetics.Whatcanyoudo?[Back]
ʃSafetyFirstʅ
27
ʃ TheCannon ʅ
I
NOURGARAGE,PLACEDINADRAWEROFASTEELWORKBENCH,therewasabrassgas-torchaboutaslongasmy
forearmandaboutasroundasabaseballbat,withanice,sharpish,brassnozzle.Itbelongedtomy
grandfather(mymom'sdad),soIdon'treallyknowwhatitwasdoinginourgarage,butitwasthere
nonetheless...andweweren'tsupposedtotouchit.JeffandIknewthatwhatthisreallymeantwasthatwe
weren'tsupposedtogetcaughtplayingwithit,sowheneverMomandDadweregone,weknewthatthiswas
tacitapprovaltotrytokillourselveswiththesmallbrasstankfilledwithvolatilefuel.
Iseemtorecallthatononeparticularoccasionmyparentsweregoingtobegoneforquiteawhile,
eithershoppingorchickenpoachingorsomething,butinanycasetheyweregoingtobeawayforatleast
thewholeafternoon,andthatseemedlikeplentyoftimetodowhatwehadtodoandgetitrepairedbefore
theygotback.[Note1]
WhatweplannedtodowasbuildacannoninthetraditionofourUncleBen,theonewhowasalso
infamousforhavingsatonalarge,empty(fume-filled),propanetankwhileweldingitinaquonsethut(and
gettingbouncedoffoftheceilingandontothefloor).Aslegendhadit,whenhewasakidhehadbuilta
cannonoutofsomeleadpipewithgreatsuccess,meaningthatithadcausedanexplosionwithoutresulting
inanyinjuries(whichisunderstoodtomean"anypermanentinjuries").
Idon'twanttogiveastep-by-stepsetofinstructionsonhowtomakethisthing(justincasesomekid
getsholdofthis),butthenagain,wedidn'tneedabooktomakeourownbomb:wehadbeengivendetailed
instructionsrepeatedlyovertheyearsbylisteningtohowmyunclehadmadehis.Youcanseehowwefelt
thatthiswastrulytherightthingtodo;afterall,someonehadtokeepupthefamilytradition.
Incaseyou'rewondering,wegotthegunpowderoutofsomelong,brassriflecartridgesthatwereina
yellowcardboardboxlabeled"Winchester."Irememberthattherewasaredbearrearinguponthelid.
Again,thiswasmygrandfather'sbox,soIdon'tknowwhatitwasdoinginourworkbench.Inanycase,
whenwepliedthebulletsoutoftheirbrasscasingsthepowderwasintheformofabunchoflittlecylinders,
likebrokenuppencilleads,andwegroundthemdowninarockpolisherwithsomewoodenbingoballs.
Goodthingwedecidedagainstusingtheballbearings,Iguess.Theresultwasanice,fine,shinygrey
powder,beautifultobeholdinaway,allsoftandshinyandslipperylookingwhenyoupoureditontoa
whiterag.
Wepackedthepowderintothepipewithsomeclothandthenloadedourcannonwithasolidmetal
cylinderthatslippedintothepipeperfectly.Everythingwasgoingsowellthatwetookitasagoodomen,a
signfromabove.Whenyouregularlyaccidentallyalmostbutnotquitekillyourself,it'seasytobecomea
mysticandreadsignsintoeverything.Afterall,somethingmustbeprotectingyoufromyourself.Moreor
less.
Then,atthelastsecond,fornoapparentnaturalreason,wedecidedtoswapoutthesolidpipefora
woodendowel,whichprobablyhelpedtokeepthepipefrombecomingabomb.
Sowestuckthecannoninthebackyardaimingstraightup,andhelditinpositionwithsomebricks.
Wecouldn'treallyburythelowerendbecausethefuse-holewasonlyaboutaninchupfromtheendofthe
pipe.Yes,weknewthatmissileswhichwereshotstraightupcamestraightdown,andthattheylandedjust
asfastastheywereshotup.Wehadlearnedthatplayingthegamecalled,"DodgingPlummetingArrows."
ʃTheCannonʅ
28
Weusedasparklerasafuse.Ialmostsaidthatitwasonethatmybrotherhadleftoverfromthe
FourthofJuly,buthealwayshadsomanyfireworksaroundthatyoucouldn'treallysaywhenanygiven
explosiverotatedthroughhiscollection.Hekeptthemhiddenintheatticcrawlspace,rightoverthefuse
panelthatmeltedandalmostburnedourhousedownwhenthefireworkswereupthere...butyou'llhear
moreaboutthatlater.
Normally,Iwouldhavewantedtolightthefuse,butsinceitwassuchatreat,andsinceitwasmy
brother'sfuse,hegottoplaywiththetorch.Thistorchhadachainhangingdownfromaleverontopthat
endedinafingerring,soyoucoulduseonehandtobothholdthetorchandkeepthevalveopen.(Talk
aboutconvenient.)Helitthetorchwithamatchandthenusedthetorchtolightthesparkler.Iknow,it
seemslikealotoftroubletolightasparklerwithatorchwhenyoucouldhavejustusedthematchitself,
butdon'tforgetthatthiswholecannonschemewasjustanexcusetousethetorchtobeginwith,andthere
wasnoreasontothinkoftheplaninanytermsotherthanthat.Wesimplyhadtorchonthebrain.
Weranbehindthecornerofthehousesowecouldwatchwithoutgettingblownupifsomethingwent
wrong,whichitinvariablydid,andsureenough,itwaslikesomeonewaslookingdownfromon-highsaying,
"So,uptoyouroldtrickswhileyourparentsaregone?Well,here'ssomethingyou'llneverbeabletofix
beforetheygetback,youlittlebastards."Andwiththat,thecannonfellover,aimingattheneighbor'syard.
Whichwaslucky,becausetheyweretheneighborswedidn'tlike.
IwouldliketobeabletosaythatatthatpointIwasbraveandthatImadlyandheroicallydashedout
theretopulloutthefuse,orevensaythatmybrotherranoutthereinamomentofglory,butthetruthof
thematteristhatwewerebothstandingatthecornerofthehousetryingtopushtheotheroneoutthereto
gogetit,yellingsuchprofoundthingsas,"YOUgogetit!","No,YOUgogetit!"whenallofasudden,asif
bytelepathicconsensus,wedecidedtohitthedirt.Ofcoursewewerestillwatching,Imean,weweren't
goingtomaybegetblownupandnotseethethinggooffafterallthistrouble.
Wewererewardedwithaloudexplosionandtwolongtonguesofflame,abigonefromthemouthof
thecannonandasmallonefromthefuse-hole.Idon'tknowwhathappenedtothesparkler.It'sprobably
stillontherooforitgotstuckinsomepassingcarorsomething.It'snicethatitdidn'tgetdriventhrough
eitherofourbodies.Thedowelwasnowheretobefound;itwasnotinouryard,andwedidn'tseeitwhen
welookedintotheneighbor'syardthroughthedowel-sizedholeinthefence.
Wedidn'tconsiderthefactthatsomeonemighthavebeenkilled.Thatsortofthingneverhappened
(anddidn'thappenthistimeeither),soitnevercrossedourminds.Ourthoughtsweremorealongthelines
thatweweregoingtogetcaughtnow,nomatterwhat,sowemightaswellsetoffthecannonagainbecause
itwasn'tlikeourparentsweregoingtogethome,sniffthebarrelofthecannon,andsay,"Hey,thishas
beenfired...twice."
Soweloadedthecannonwithadoublehandfulofgravel,figuringitprobablywouldn'tpunchahole
throughanything,ignoringwhatwehadalreadylearnedaboutthekindofdamageashotgundoes,and
aimedthecannonstraightupasecondtime,holdingitinplacewithbricksstompedmorefirmlyintothe
groundthanbefore.Weputinanewfuse,litit,hid,andsoforth,andsureenough,thecannontippedover.
Theonlydifferencewasthatwhereasthelasttimeitwasataprettyflatangletotheground,thistimeit
wasn'ttippedoverallthatmuch.Wehitthedirt,itwentoffwithanotherawe-inspiringsetofflamelashes
and:nothing.
Wejustsatthereinsilenceforwhatseemedlikeaprettylongtime,until,"tik...tik...
CRASHHHHHHH"asthedoublehandfulofgravelcamepoundingdownontoouraluminumporchawning,
nodoubtwakingupeverypoliceofficerorotherrandomauthorityfigureformilesaround,andspreading
heartattacksfasterthanrumors.
Fearthenprovidedavisceralincentivetogeteverythingcleanedupratherthansettingitoff
repeatedlyuntilwegotcaught,whichmightbewhyIdon'trememberevergettingintroubleforthis
particularepisode.
ʃTheCannonʅ
29
NOTES
Note1:Therewasoftenagooddealofexcitementhoveringaroundthenotionof,"whenwillMomandDad
getback?"
Usuallythatjustmeant"backfromwork"sincethatmarkedourdeadlineforcoveringupsuch
misdemeanorsaswhen:(a)IjumpedonJeff'sstomach,(b)Imadefirethroughre-toasting,(c)we
redecoratedthekitchenincherrytomatoes(asthenaturalaftermathofawar),(d)welava-edabigboxof
crayonsontheporch,and(e)thatkindofthing.[Note2]
Far,far(far)lessoftenitmeant"backfromaneveningout,"wherethedarkeritgotoutside,themorewe
thoughtthattheymightbedead.WewouldgoaheadandhavefunplanningouttheadventuresthatDisney
(amongmanyothers)suggestedwouldresultfromsuddenparentalincapacitation(ordeath).[Back]
Note2:Crayonsarecoolbecausetheyarecleverlydisguised,portablechunksofsolidfuelwrappedina
fuse;inotherwords,they'rejustcandlesturnedinside-out.JeffandItookawholeboxoftheseinnocuous
littlebombsoutsideandlittheends,meltingthemintoathickblueglassbowl.Soonweweredropping
newly-litonesintothemulticoloredsludgeandjustwatchingthewaxylittleislandssinkintotheflaming
tarrypool.Thiswasperfectlysafe,andeverythingwasgoingjustfine,untilthebowlcrackedandfloatedthe
burningwrappersalloverthecementpatio.
Yousee,wehadn'tactivelythoughtofthebowlasacontainmentsystem,inthesensethatwehadn'tplanned
abackupforitspossiblefailureinthatcapacity.Afterall,Iwouldhopethatyou'renotgoingtouseyour
handstoholdbackaflowofflaming,molten,stickygoop.Inadditiontothatlessoninriskassessment,we
alsolearnedthatcoloredmoltenwaxwillcauseapermanentstainonporousconcrete.(Momwasnaturally
thrilledthatwehadinadvertentlyreinventedtheancientEgyptianartofencausticpaintingrightinourown
backyard.)So,howdoesthisapplytointerpersonalrelationships?Well,considertherobustnessofyour
containmentbackupplanthenexttimeyou'rethinkingaboutdroppingjustonemoreflamingcrayonintoan
argument;somesolid-seemingpeoplearemadeofglassthatisnotheatresistant(andyoucancreatean
indeliblestain).[Back]
ʃTheCannonʅ
30
ʃ LibraryFine ʅ
I
LOVElibraries.
IhaveparticularlyfondmemoriesoftheJeffersonlibraryinStockton.Itmightnothavebeenthe
prettiest,anditcertainlywasn'tthebiggest,butitwasmyfirst.
IrecallseeingapuppetshowaboutAnansi(withspecialsmokeeffects),andtheHermioneGingold
classicentitled"TheWinteroftheWitch"(featuringmagicblueberrypancakesthatmadepeopleseeHappy
LaughingSpots).Andofcoursenolibrarywouldbecompletewithouthomemadesarsaparillathattasted
likesweetdirt.Hey,whenyou'repoor,youtakeanyentertainmentyoucanget…andlikeit.(Exceptmaybe
beatpoetry.Evenwepoorpeoplehavelimits.)
Theyevenhadsomebooks,butIcanonlyrememberthosefewthatI'veassociatedwithdrawings.
TherewereacoupleofcartooncollectionsbyCharlesAddamsandJulesPfeiffer,andwhileIrememberthe
coverofachildren'sbookentitledBlackMagic,WhiteMagic,Icouldn'ttellyouanythingabouttheactual
story.(IthasbeenremovedfromtheEugenelibrary,andnoonetherewilltellmewhy.)Irecallagraphic
novelaboutaspacefaringcrewbeingturnedintognomelikecrittersbygodlikenudists.Iamsurethatthis
preoccupationwithvisualimagerydemonstratessomethingreallyinterestingaboutmybrain,andsomeday
soonI'mgoingtositdownandfigureoutjustwhatthatmightbe.(Butnotrightnow.)
Thearchitecturewasopen,andnaturallightpouredinthroughwallsofwindows.Youcouldgodown
thegrandcentralstaircase,walkbyahugebankofreversetelephonedirectories,andcheckoutmovies...not
tapes,butactualfilms.Therewasalsoaforbiddingglassed-inchamberwhereimportantpeoplelooked
throughrarebooksandgovernmentdocuments.Ofcourse,thiswasallwaybackatthedawnofthe
IndustrialAge(1970),andmuchofthefloorspacewasdominatedbymassivecardcatalogs.Thewholeplace
seemedbigandsafe.
Andacrossthestreetwasacityparkwithabigfountaininit.Afterweconfirmedmymom's
predictionthatoneofuswouldfallinifwecontinuedtorunaroundtheedge(thatactedasabench...
beforethedaysofneedinganti-grindandanti-napbumps),mymomtoldJeffandIthatsomepeoplewould
spitandpeeinthere.Thatwasalmostenoughtomakeusgetout,butnotenoughtokeepusfromfishing
changeoutofthefountainatWeberstownMall.(Youhavetobesuspiciousofakidwithwetpockets.)
TheJeffersonLibraryisgone,ofcourse,havinglongsincebeenrenamedtohonorCésarChávez.Sure,
it'sthesamebuilding,withthesamewindows,thesamestaircase,andperhapseventhesamesenseof
solidityandgrandeur…butit'snotthesamelibrary.AndeventhoughIcan'tgohome,I'dsureliketofind
thosebooksagain.
SinceleavingStockton,Ihavelovedmanylibraries,andindeed,Ihaverunmyeyesandhandsover
booksofeverysize,shape,andcontent.Overtheyears,manylibrarianshavealsocomeandgone,but
nothingeverreallyhappened…wewerejustfriends.Theirfaceshaveblurredovertimeintoafuzzypastiche
ofoverworkedandunderpaidsameness;infact,thatphraseremainsmyautomatic,sympatheticmantra
wheneverIapproachalibrarian,orateacher,oranyotherpersonofintellectualmeritwhomourbrainhatingculturetreatslikesomuchhomemadesarsparilla.Itchugsinmyheadlikeacartoonsteam
locomotive,"OverworkedandUnderpaid.OverworkedandUnderpaid.OverworkedandUnderpaid."
ʃLibraryFineʅ
31
Sofine.
ʃLibraryFineʅ
32
ʃ Discoveries ʅ
I
FACETHISCHRONICDILEMMA:
Horn#1:mybodypartstendtostaysafeaslongasI'mpayingattentiontothem;but
Horn#2:theygetjealousofoneanother.
Infact,oneprimecauseofinfirmity(suchascavities,nausea,flux,hysteria,ague,andsoon)isthatthe
afflictedbodyparthasbeenself-destructivelyvyingwiththeothersforattention.[Note1]Justturnyour
backonyourelbowforafractionofasecondandyourfunnybonewillvigorouslydowseforintrusive
objects.Orifyouignoreyourtoes,withinthreestepsyou'llfindadoorjamb.IfIdidn'thavetoactuallylook
outofmyeyesI'dprobablyforgetthemandinstantlyfindatreebranch.
Andbodypartsstronglytendtohaveafavoritetypeofdamage:collarbonesareforbreaking,eyesare
forpoking,kneesareforskinning,andcrotchesareforcompressing.Youdon'thearnearlyasmanystories
aboutsomekidwhomanagedastrainedclavicle,skinnedteeth,oragreenstickfractureofthebollocks.
Inlightofthistheory,ifIanalyzethematrixofinjuriesthatImyselfhavecollectedandavoidedover
theyears,IcanconcludewithsomeconfidencethatImustpayasubstantialamountofattentiontomy
nuts,becausethat'stheleastdamagedareathatI'vegot.(Knockwood...delicately.)Clearly,there's
somethingnicetobesaidforthesqueakyaxlegettingthegrease.[Note2]
Thischapter,then,doesn'trevolvearoundasinglespecificstory,butratheritjustcollectschildhood
injuryanecdotesthatarelooselyclassifiedbybodypart(ormorerarelyclassifiedbyloosebodypart).I've
placedthismaterialherebecausethebookasawholeisarrangedinasomewhatchronologicalorder,anda
lot(butnowherenearall)ofthishappenedwhenIwasakid.Ifyou'reempatheticallysensitiveaboutinjuries
thenyoumightbehappier(andfarlessqueasy)justskippingahead,ormaybejustreadingthesection
introductions.
TheLegs
Toesaresofragilethatthey'rejustaskingfortrouble.Thesepiggylittleappendageshaveoneofthe
worstflesh-to-boneratiosinthebody,meaningthatthepaddingislowcomparedtothebreakableelements.
They'realsotoofarawayfromanypartofthebodythatcouldwarnthemaboutimminentdanger,and
they'retooclosetodangerousstuff,liketheground,ortightshoes.
Oneofthemainproblemsisthatpeopleknowthatit'sstupidtowalkaroundbarefoot,buttheydoit
anyway.Youknowbyinstinctthatgroundcoversuchasshagcarpetorsandorlonggrassisnothingmore
thanacleverwaytohidecarpettacks,brokenglass,anddogshit.
AndIdon'tknowwhichofthoseisworsetostepon,Imean,yourfootwillhealfrombeingtornby
somesharpandgerm-infestedshredofmetal,butthepsychologicaltraumaoffeelingdogshitsquirge
ʃDiscoveriesʅ
33
betweenyourtoesinvolvesalife-longcommitmenttosqueamishness.Dothisjustonceandyouwillnever
wanttoseesomuchasaslideshowofanyplacethathasanamelike"DogBeach."
IfyoubelieveinCreation,thenwhoknowswhyGodmadeusfearthedirectiondown.Ifyouhave
somebeliefinEvolution,thenmaybeitappealstoyoutoseehumansasbeingderivedfromtree-dwellers
whosenaturalenemiescouldrunthemtogroundinsecondsflat(orinsecondstorntojuicytidbits),sotheir
onlysafetywasupwards.Inanycase,humansarewellawareofthevulnerabilityoftheirfeetandtoes,
especiallywhentheyaredanglingdownintoenemyterritory.It'seasytobringpeopletofeeluneasyby
makingitsotheycan'tseetheirfeetverywell.
That'soneofthereasonsthatpeoplehatebeingoutintheocean(sharkfactor),orwadingthrougha
swamp(leechfactor),andit'swhypeoplehatehangingtheirfeetovertheedgeofthebedatnight
(boogiepersonfactor).
Ifyouwanttoreallyscaresomeone,youcanfollowJeff'slead.Youhideundertheircaratnightand
whentheywalkup,dothreethingsnearlyallatthesametime:1)growl,2)grabtheirfeet,and3)trynotto
hityourheadonthemufflerwhenyoulaugh.Oneofthedrawbacksisthatyouhavetogetoutfromunder
thecarbeforetheygetbackfromthehousewiththeshotgun.Ofcourse,theyoftenhavetotakethetimeto
changetheirshorts(aftertheyland).
Thestoriesinthissectionallillustratethesepointstoperfection,andtheirgeneralmoralis,"Don'tgo
barefoot."
NeedletotheBone
Myfriend'ssisterwaswalkingaroundthehousebarefootonashagcarpetwhenallofasuddenshe
jammedtheendofherbigtoeontoaneedlesohardthatitgotshovedclearintothebone.(See,Itoldyou
itgetssqueamy.Youcanstillskipoverthispart,andnoonewillblameyou.)Itwentinsofarthatnoneof
theneedleevenstuckout.Hermomandhersisterhadtoholdherlegstillwhileherdadtriedtomovethe
skindownaroundtheendoftheneedlesohecouldgetholdofitwithsomepliersandyankitout.Itwas
stucktoohard,andheaccidentallybrokeoffsomeoftheneedle,soshehadtogotothedoctorandgetit
slicedout.
Yousee?Barefoot+shagcarpet=IwishthatIhadbeenwearingshoes.
"Aoneinamillionchance,"yousay?Howaboutthisstory:
Jeff'sfriendwasdoingthesamething,walkingaroundinthehousebarefoot,whenshepainfully
stubbedhertoe.Itseemedlikenobigdeal,butshecouldn'tseewhatshehadstubbedhertoeon.She
couldn'tbendhertoe,soshefigureditmustbebroken.Shewenttothehospitalandtheytoldhertouse
crutchesbecausetheycouldn'tfindanyevidenceofphysicaldamage.Dayslater,shewasinagreatdealof
pain,soshewentbacktothedoctor,whothendecidedtodoanx-ray,andtherewasaneedleembedded
throughherbigtoestraightintothejoint,immobilizingitsoshehadtohavesurgerytoremoveit.
Theneedle,notthetoe.
Thesetypesofstoriesarecloselyrelatedtootherswhichdealwithsewingaccidentsingeneral,aswell
asthosewhichdealwiththestaplingoffingersandthelike.
ToenailTear-off
Toesarenotmerelypronetoinvasionbyforeignobjects,buttheyactuallyhavepartswhichyoudon't
missuntilthey'regone.
OnceIwasridingmySchwinnbicycle,oneofthosethatyouhavetobackpedaltobrake.Anyway,I
wasbarefoot,andwhenIleanedovertoofartoturnasharpcornermyfootwasaimedstraightdownatthe
NeedletotheBone
34
street,sowhenIpedaledmytoenailgotpluckedofflikeyouwerescratchingyournailsonablackboard:
plink!Torerightoffdownintotheskin.Istillhatethethoughtofthat.Atfirst,theskinunderneathlooked
allpaleandcrinkled,likesomesortoffleshyinsectthathadlostitsshell(noduh),butasthedaysworeon
itjustlookedallplasticcoatedanddull.
Thankgoodnessformytoenailprotectingmytoe;andyetpeoplesaythatthereshouldn'tbeahelmet
law.(Imaginegettingyourheadnailtornoff.)
Speakingofnails,let'sproceedtothenextstory.
NailintheFoot
Storiesofkidsgettingtheirfeetimpaledbynailsaresocommonthatit'sawonderthatthereareany
straynailsleftanywhere.Itwouldsaveeveryonealotoftroubleifnailswerepretreatedwithtetanusserum:
youwouldonlyhavetobepuncturedonce.Thenagain,therearepeoplenowadayswhocouldgetaway
withleavingthenailinplace."Igotmyfootpierced.""Coooool."
Thisisoneofthosecaseswherewearingshoesoftendoeslittleornogood.OncewhenIwaswalking
straighthomefromschoolthroughahousingconstructionsitewhereweusedtoplay,Isteppedonanail
thatwentinatashallowanglethroughmytennisshoe.Ididn'tevennoticethatIwasbleedinguntilIwas
almostallthewayhome.Ileftatrailthewholeway.(Atleastthatmadeiteasytofindmywayback.)
FrogForktotheKnee
Justasthrillseekingchildrenhaveaneedtorummagethroughpeople'scurrentpossessions,theyare
fascinatedbythethoughtthattheymightfindsomesortoftreasurethatsomefoolhardysoulhasbeenblind
enoughtopitchintothetrash.Dumpstersare,therefore,absolutelyirresistibleasplacestosearchforburied
loot,especiallybecauseitpaysoffeverynowandagain.
Amongsttheill-gottenbootythatIhaveretrievedfromdumpstersisasnakeskinwalletfullofKorean
money,astroller,somehugecapacitors(whicharegreatformakingexplosiveblue-whiteflashesandfor
lightingfluorescenttubes),andafabulouslengthoftelephonecablefilledwithcopperwirearrayedina
rainbowofplasticinsulation.
Unfortunately,alotofwhatgetsthrownintothedumpsteris,infact,trash(oddlyenough),anditis
usuallybroken,jagged,ripe,andgerm-ladentrashatthat.Allinall,I'dhavetosaythatit'sdefinitelyworth
therisk.
ThestoryhereisthatJeffandsomeofhiselementaryschoolfriendswerelookingthroughadumpster
oneday,andanovereagernovicetrash-sifterjumpedrightintothemiddleofthebinandgotafrogspear
shovedupbehindhiskneecap.Ofcourse,hewastakentothehospitalandgivenshots,stitches,and
scoldings,andI'msurethatthefrogforkgotthrownrightbackoutintothetrash.(Whatawaste.)
Ifthisweretobeahorrorstory,thenthissamefrogforkwouldkeepgettingthrownawayoverand
overagain,repeatedlycallingchildrentojumpintothedumpstertogetimpaledonit,onlytohavethe
continuousbathinginsacrificialbloodincreaseitspoweruntilonedayitcouldcallforthefirstpersonwho
threwitaway,theveryindividualwhotosseditinthetrashwithsuchcallousdisregardforthefeelingsof
inanimateobjects,asifitwereonlysomuch,well,trash.Thatadultwouldbeirresistiblydrawntothe
dumpsterwhereheorshewouldbesuckedintoitsdepthsbyalengthofdiscardedtelephonecable,onlyto
besuffocatedbyKoreanmoneyuphisorhernose,andgenerallyravagedbyavarietyofrubbish,and
finallydispatchedbythefrogfork,whichwouldtransformintosomepieceofcursedjewelryand...theend.
ThighOhMy
NailintheFoot
35
Otherthanfemursbrokenwhileskiing,I'veheardveryfewstoriesaboutthighinjuries.Maybethedata
simplydoesn'trepresentthetrend.AndI'monlydismissiveaboutthefemur-skiingthingbecauseitisso
common.(Honest,ithappenssooftenthatthereareresearchpapersdevotedtotheseinjuriesinspecific.)
Plus,manyofthefolkswhohaveexperiencedthiseventendupbloggingaboutitanyway,soIdon'tneedto
chimein.
Thereareloadsofinstancesinmylifewhereawomanhascomplainedaboutjustbruisingherthighon
somethingwithoutreallyinjuringit,butthatsortofstorywon'ttendtogetretoldunlessitisoneheckofa
bruise,onthethighorotherwise.(Forexample,aneighboroncefellbetweenasailboatandthedock,
bruisingherselfalluponesideofherbody.OrtherewasthatweirdtransparentbruiseonmyfootthatI'll
talkaboutinjustabit.Andsoon.)Ipointoutthewomeninthiscaseonlybecause(a)Iamnotthigh-bruise
prone,and(b)Ipersonallyhavenotcollectedanysimilarnear-the-momentcomplaintsaboutthighbruises
frommen.Thatlatterdisparityisalmostcertainlyonlybecausemydatasetisskewed.
Thatsaid,hereisanexcellentexampleofanactualthighinjury:whenmywifeSarawasakid,she
ignoredherdad'swarningaboutcuttingopenapackagewhileitwasstillonherlap,mildlylacerating
herselfwithaboxcutter.Sheshouldhavegottenstitches,butinsteadshehidtheinjuryfromherparents.
ShinSplit
Inseventhgradeafewofuswouldplaybenchtag.Therewerethreebigtreesinthecourtyard,each
surroundedinasquareofheavywoodenbenchespaintedanoddsortofpinkish-browncolor.Thepointwas
tostayoffthegroundand,ofcourse,notgettagged.Ifellshortofajumpandrackedmyrightshin
squarelyontheedgeofthebench,cuttingwayin.What'soddisthatthenumbareahasmovedoverthe
yearssoit'snowjustbelowandtotherightofmykneecap.Itmakesmewonderhowinnervationmigrates
asyougrow.
AchillesTendon
Iwasinthesixthgrade,playingsomeversionofpeople-knocking-each-other-down(footballorsoccer
orwhatever)outontheschoolfieldatrecess,runningalongandnotwatchingwhereIwasgoing(a
foolproofthrillseekingtactic),whenmylegplungedintoaknee-depthholethatasprinklerheadusedtobe
in.Mybody,exceptformylowerrightleg,flippedforward,andIextravagantlystretchedmyAchilles
tendonandgenerallymadeitburnlikehell.IfonlyIhadeyesinthefrontofmyhead.
Muchtomyembarrassment,myteacherinsistedthathewasgoingtocarrymetotheoffice.Iwason
crutchesforweeks,limpedforagoodlongwhileafterthat,andthenhealedupbyswimmingalotduring
thesummer.Icanjustheartheparentalvoicesaying,"watchwhereyou'regoing,watchwhereyou're
going!"Iguessthat'sasgoodamoralasany.
Ofcourse,ifthishadhappenedtoday,theschoolwouldhavehadtocoughupaloadofdoughandI'd
neverhavehadtoworkagain,right?
Upuntilthisaccident,Ihadneverreallygivenmuchconsiderationtothestatusofmyarmpitsasbody
parts.IfIhad,Iwouldhavethoughtthattheyweremorelikesomethingthatwasn'tthere.Butallyouhave
todoisusecrutchesthewrongwayforacoupleofdaystorealizethatyourarmpitsmustbesomething
that'sthere,otherwisetheywouldn'tbeabletoswelluptotwicetheirnormalsize.(Actually,theimproper
useofcrutcheselsewhereonthebodymightevensufficeinapinchasanawkwardbutcheapsubstitutefor
breastaugmentationsurgery,withtheaddedbonusthatitseffectslastonlylongenoughforthevictimto
returntorelativesanity.Ofcourse,thepatientisgoingtolooklikeanabsoluteidiotleaningforwardagainst
thecrutchesfortwodays,butwhatthehell.)
RabbitSeason
ShinSplit
36
IwasworkingsitepatrolattheUniversityofthePacificjustasIstartedcollegethere.Mypatrol
partnerandIwereorderedtochasetherabbitsawayfromafieldthatwasrightnexttotheyardwherethe
heavyequipmentwasstoredforthenight.Weweretoldthattherabbitswereenticingsummerstudentsto
wanderaroundwheretheyshouldn't(twerkin'theycutelilbunnybooties,nodoubt),makingitmore
difficulttodiscernwhichmiscreantswereplanningtohopthechain-linkfenceandsiphongas(i.e.,illintendedstudenthoppers,notrabbitones).Well,Iwasrunningalongafteranot-too-terribly-rascallyrabbit
overbrokengroundwithaflashlightwhentheinstepofmyrightfootlandedonabigrockandbentmy
ankleover.Icouldfeelasickeningpullwhenithappened.Itimmediatelyburnedandached,resultingina
kindofapurplishbruise[Note3]thatwasstrangeinthatitgavetheimpressionofbeingtransparent,
creatingtheillusionofbeingabletolookintomyfoot.Thattookalongtimetogoaway.
FullService
IhadjuststartedlearningtodriveinearnestwhenmymomloanedmethecarsoIcouldgo
downtowntoadentalappointment.Shedidn'tmentionthattherewasn'tenoughgastogetthereandback,
andithadn'toccurredtometocheck;afterall,whywouldmymomwanttostrandmelikethat?Inany
case,thecarcoastedtothebottomofthefreewayramp,andImanagedtowrangleitintoanearbygas
station,onlytohavethisbigtruckrunovermyfootasIsteppedoffoftheserviceisland.Shoeswerenota
bighelpinthiscase.Furthermore,Idonotrecommenddrivingwithbrokentoesasameditativetechnique,
despiteitsabilitytofocusyourattention.
ToesBrokenonBed
Afour-posterbedisareallynicepieceoffurniture,buttheytendtoberaised,andthereseemstobe
allsortsofextrabedlegthatbegstocatchyourtoes.Mostpeoplecanavoidsuchahazardduringtheday,
butfewpeopleareawakeenoughtoputonshoeswhentheygetupinthemiddleofthenighttogotothe
bathroom.Gentlemen(ofwhichever/whateversex),here'sachallengeforyou:trytomaintainadequateaim
whileclaspingtherecentlybrokentoesofonefootintheopposite-sidehand,whileusingtheremaining
handtograspyouropposite-sidegland,allwhilerhythmicallybleatingwhatsoundslikeaBabyloniansea
shanty.
ToesBrokenonGreenArmyChest
Myadviceistogetridofanyfurniturewhichisforallintentsandpurposesahugerock.Ihadanold
greenarmyfootlockerwhichhadtakenitstollintoesovertheyears.Ithinkthattheterm"hopechest"is
simplyshortfor,"It'sdark,Ihavetopee,andIhopeIdon'tbreakanymoretoesonthatchest."
ToesBrokenonCouchLeg
Ingeneral,anyfurnituresoVictorianthatitstillhidesitslegsunderaskirtisinsidious,especially
thosereallylongcouchesthathaveanextraleginthefrontmiddle,preciselywhereyouwouldleastexpect
it,thatistosay,exactlywhereyouwouldleastexpecttokicktheshitoutofanextraordinarilystationary
blockofwoodandbreakacoupleoftoes.
NapandSnap
IwastakinganaponacouchthatwasatjusttheperfectheighttobreaksomeofmytoesasIlashed
outwithmyfootinmysleep.You'dthinkthatthefirstcoupleoftimeswouldhavetaughtmenottosleep
FullService
37
barefootthere.Ijustkeptthinkingthatitcouldn'tpossiblyhappenagain.Thisdynamicexplainsagreat
dealofwhatyouseeondaytimetalkshows.
FootBrake
Iwasrunningaround(after)schoolbarefoot(highschoolera),andIhadjustdartedpasttheblind
cornerofabuildingonlytoperipherallyseeabikebearingdownonme,so(naturally)Igroundmytoes
intotheasphalttobringmyselftoastop,jammedmyleftfootunderthefrontwheelofthebike,andIput
mylefthanduptopushagainsttheforeheadofthecyclistashewentrotatingoverthefrontwheelofhis
bike.Ipushedbackhard,hisbackwheelfelltoearth,thebikebounced,andasItriedtowalkIfoundthatI
hadgrunchedalmosteverytoeinmybody.
ToesBrokenonCoffeeTable
WhenIwasmucholder(forties),wewereonalongdrivingtripandstoppedintovisitoneofmy
mom'schildhoodfriends.Theyhadacoffeetableintheirlivingroommadeoutofsomesortofheavy
wood-and-ironsledtoppedwithaverythickpieceofglass.No,weweren'twearingshoesinthehouse.So,
canyouguesshowmanyinchesthesledmovedwhenIkickeditdeterminedlyintheironrunnerwiththe
twosmallesttoesofmyrightfoot?Ifyouguessed"zero"orless,youarecorrect.Itmadefurtherdrivinga
specialtreat.
TheArms
Fingersseemtotakedifferenttypesofdamagethantoesbecausehandsholdthetoolsthatareusedto
causesuchspectacularkindsofinjury,sowhereastoestendtogetwhackedagainstthings,fingerstendto
getthingswhackedagainstthem.Thisisrelatedtothefactthatabodyprettymuchhastofollowitsfeet,
thusmakingitdifficultforthefeettolagafterthetrailblazedbythebody,butthehandsalmostinsiston
strayingawayfromthebodywhenthatverybodyistryingtogetthroughsomesortofportal,thereby
demandingtobecrushedinpassage.
Onceagain,thisisacaseoffeetbeinghurtwhileinmotion,andhandsbeinghurtbecausetheyare
notmoving;thatistosay,theyareeithernotmovingwheretheyaresupposedto,ortheyarenotmovingat
all.
Isupposethatoneoftheotherreasonsthathandsgethurtinthisfashionisbecauseofthefactthat
whenatoolisexperimentedwith,itiseasiertouseitonthehandssinceatleastoneofthemisalready
holdingthetool,andbecausethehandsaresignificantlyclosertothefacethanthefeet,therebymaking
observationofthedamagethatmuchmoredetailed,nottomentionthatitalsomakesiteasiertotransfer
someofthedamagetothefaceitself.[Note4]
Andhumanstupidityentersthepictureinfullforcewhenitcomestodamagingthehands.Youwould
thinkthatafteralltheseyearsitwouldfinallyoccurtopeopleworkingwithbandsawsthatyes,indeed,it
canhappentothem,andthateventuallyafingerisgoingtogetsawnoffifyouusethesoft,fleshylittle
handtoshoveboardspastasharp,metalbladeinanysortofasecurefashion.
Furthermore,whydopeoplealwayslookawayfromtheirhandswhentheyareusingtools?
CHRIS:"HiPat."
PAT:"HiChris,I'llbewithyouinasecond,I'vejustgottofinishdrivinganailintothis
boardthatI'mholdingdownwithmyhand...bytheway,thathatlooksfabulouson
FootBrake
38
youandOWWAAYAHAAA&%$#@*!!!!!"(andothergenericchorusesofdismay)
Ofcourse,youwouldneverdosomethinglikethis;afterall,whataretheoddsthatsomethingwouldhappen
togowrongjustasyouwerelookingsomeplacethatwasn'tevenremotelyrelatedtotheplacewhereyour
fingersandtoolsweregoingtogettogether?
Humansgetthisweirdsenseofimmunityfromasystemofpseudologicalreasoningthatsays:(a)since
nothingbadhappenswhenI'mbeingcareful,then(b)nothingbadwillhappenifIstopbeingcarefulfora
moment,justsolongas(c)Ihavetheintentionofbeingcarefulagainrealsoon.Thenotionisthatbad
thingsaretoooblivioustocatchyouoffyourguard,andyou'llbemuchtooquicktogetcaught.Themoral
ofthefollowingstoriestendstobe,"Handsarestupiderthantools."
Interestinglyenough,physicistsarenowsuggestingthatsubatomicparticlesbreakthelawsof
thermodynamicsinjustthisfashion,andthattheygetawaywithitjustaslongastheybreakthemonlyfora
moment.
Maybethrillseekersarejustthosepeoplewhoarewaytooattunedtotheirsubatomicparticles,sothey
sufferfromafalsesenseofsecurity.
TheBugSprayer
Thistalewasbrieflynotedearlier,andisincludedasapieceoffriendlyadvicetopotentialstorytellers.
Itcautionsagainstusingbodilymotionstoillustrateaparticularlypainfulstoryifthereisanychancethat
youmightrecreatetheactualwoundalongwiththeevent.
Thesimplestoryhereisthatwhenmydadwasbutatyke,heslicedhisknucklesopeninarather
gracefularcwiththesharpandcylindricalendofabugsprayer(likeabikepump,notlikeaspraybottle)
whiletryingtoexplaintohisgrandmotherhowhiscousinJerryhadslicedhisownhandopenwiththebug
sprayer.ThiswassohilarioustoafamilywithapeasantItalian(butfiendish)senseofhumorthateveryone
hadtoseeit,withpredictablygoryresults.Thefamilypassedaroundthestorysowidelythatitwasyears
beforemybrotherandIstoppedwonderingwhywehadn'tinheritedthegenetictraitofasemicircularscar
acrosstheknucklesoftherighthand.
Anotherpieceoffriendlyadviceisthatalittleexaggerationneverhurtanyone;infact,therehasnever
everbeeneventheremotesthintofacasewhichevenmildlythreatenedtosuggestthatanyonemighthave
everbeenevenalittlebithurtbyanythingevenvaguelyresemblingexaggeration,unlessyouconsiderthe
passengersontheU.S.S.Titanic,butnooneeverdoes,sojustforgetImentionedthem.
SewnFinger
I'veheardanumberofstoriesinvolvingpeople,allwomenactually,whoreallygetrippingalongona
sewingmachine,shovingclothintoitinafeedingfrenzy,whenallofasuddentheselfsamefeedingfingers
goalittlebittoofarandgetsewnrightintotheworkathand,sotospeak.
Thestereotypicalman'sanalogtothisinjurywouldhavetobethedigitloppedortornoffbythe
aforementionedbandsaw,orperhapssmashedbyahammer.
Toheckwithequalpayforequalwork,thetruesignthatthereisequalitybetweenthevarioussexes
willbesignalledwhenwomenstartlosingfingerstobandsaws,andmenstartrunningtheirdigitsthrough
sewingmachines.
MaybeI'lljustpulloutthatoldSingerand...nah.
StapledFinger
TheBugSprayer
39
Fingersgetstapledwaytoooftenforpeopletobeignorantofhowthissortofaccidentoccurs,but
thereyouhaveit.Whenyoutrytofigureouthowtheheckyouactuallygotyourfatfingerintoaslot
originallyengineeredonlytoaccommodatepaperinthefirstplace,allyoucandoistaketheopportunityto
practicelookingbemusedandfeelingstupid.
Actually,feelingbemusedandlookingstupidisgenerallyheldtobeaperfectlyacceptablesubstitute,
andIhaveemployedbothposturestowonderfuleffect.
Theworsttime(outofatleastthree)thatIeverstapledmyfingerwaswhenIwasaboutfive,andI
remembersittingatthebreakfasttablequitecalmlytellingmymomthatIhadastapleinmyfinger.Ican
picturehernowassheslowlybackedintothekitchenholdingabigfryingpaninonehand,whileshe
respondedwithaquizzicallookandahearty,"That'snice."MybrotherandIjusttradedshrugsandwent
backtoeating.
Itwasn'tuntillaterthatmymomgotupenoughcouragetoadmitthatshewantedtoknowifIreally
meanttosaythatIhadatableonmyfinger,atwhichpointIjustwavedthelittlebuggerunderhernose.
(I'mtalkingaboutthestapledfinger,youbarbarian.)Shepouncedonitlikeacat,pinningmyhandinhers,
grabbingthestaplebetweentwofingers,andsaying,"Wellwhydidn'tyoupullitout?"whilegivinganice
strongtug.
Iguessthatitdidn'toccurtoherthatIhadtriedtogetitout,andthatitwasonlystilltherebecauseit
justmustbestuuuuck!
Nowthat'sanadrenalinerush.
Aftertwoorthreepainfullyenthusiasticbutwhollyworthlesspulls,wewenttothedoctor,wherehe
useddoctor-typeplierstoyankthesuckeroutofthebone,andthenhadtohaveacoupleofnursespinme
downwhilegivingmeashotinthebutt(sinceIwassohystericalbythattimefromfearandwooziness).
Atetanusshotisthedefinitiveinsultaddedtoinjury.Iwasabletocalculatethatasmuchas35%of
mybloodbyvolumeistetanusserum.That'swhathappenswhenyourparentsshuffleyoufromdoctorto
doctorinavainattempttokeepthemfromthinkingthatitmustbechildabuse.
TrimmedFinger
Thereisasafetyguideonaguillotine-typepapertrimmerforareason.DoIfullyrespectit?Not
always,suchaswhenIneedtoexecuteaparticularlypreciseslicethatrequiresmetoholdthepaperfirmly
againstthestationarypartofthecutter(i.e.,the"steel").CouldIusesomesortofholderotherthanmy
hand?Yes,Icould(andmaybeit'shightimethatthemanufacturerincludedthatmodificationintheir
product),butthatwouldtakeextratime,ofwhichItypicallyhavenone.Isthishonestlyariskyapproach?
Well,IcansaythatIhavesuccessfullyperformedthismaneuverdozensoftimes(athome,notatwork),
plusIhavewhatmyeldestreferstoas"madeyeballingskillz,"somyaimisruthlesslyaccurate.Butdoesit
alwayswork?Yes,ofcourse,allexceptforthatonetimethatIgotdistractedandclovetheknifedeeplyinto
thecornerofmythumb.(Thankyouthumbnail.)
CrushingChair
Allowingyourhandstowanderaroundontheirownwithoutatleastsomelevelofadultsupervisionis
justaskingfortrouble.
Haveyoueverseenthosenatureshowsaboutpenguins?Theyallstandinacrowdatoneendofanice
floe,andtheyallwanttogoforaswim,butthey'reafraidthatthere'saleopardsealcruisingaroundlooking
forsomethingblackandwhiteandredallover.
Quiteadilemma,wouldn'tyouthink?
TrimmedFinger
40
Whathappensisthatallofthepenguinspretendtodiscusstheirproblemwhileshufflingslowlyover
totheedgeoftheice,wheresomepoordimwitstartstosay,"Hey,we'regettingkindofclosetotheedge
here!Let'stalkaboutthisoverthere!Whoa,I'mslipping!Quick,grabmyflipper!"
splash
Iftheunluckychumformerlyontheedgegetseaten,thentherestofthemwaithalfanhourbefore
tryingtogointothepool.(That'swherethesayingcomesfrom.)Butifthewetoneissafe,thentheyall
jumpinandactlikeitwasanaccident.Theyclaimtohaveshiedawayfrompullinghisflipperbecausethey
wereafraidofbeinggassed.(It'saplausibleexcuse,giventherankfishinessofpenguinfarts.)
So,what'sthepoint?
Thepointisthatfingersarethepenguinsofthebody.Yourfingersasagrouparealwaysgangingup
ontheisolated"dimwitdigit,"tryingtogetittotakechances.Yourdimwitdigitisalmostalwaystheindex
fingerofyourdominanthand.
Here'sacaseinpoint.
Acousinofminewassittinginabigol'paddedchairthatrockedonsomekindofawoodensling
frame,justsortofrelaxingandtalking.Herhands,beingbored,decidedtoexplorethestructureofthe
chair,andthedimwitdigitwassubtlyherdedbyalltherestintoacuriousholedrilledhorizontallythrough
thebaseofthewoodenframe.
Theyjustwantedtoknowifitwassafetogoin.
Allofasuddenthere'sthisear-splittingscreamasherheadfiguresoutthattheothersideofthehole
opensoutintoaplacewheretwootherpiecesoftheframerocktogether,thuscrushingtheexploratory
appendage.
So,ifyoufindyourfingerspersuadingoneoftheirnumberintosuchaprecariousposition,suchas
tryingtofindoutifthere'sreallycurrentinthatsocket,thenyou'dprobablybewelladvisedtostopthem.
Makethemgototheirroomsuntiltheystoppesteringeachother,that'smyadvice.(Okay,soIborrowed
thatadvicefromsomeoneelse.)
RingToss
IwasstridingtoaworkmeetingwhenIgrabbedontoadoorjambtohelpwithahigh-speedturn,only
togetyankedoffmyfeetwhenmyweddingringcaughtontheroundedcornerofthebrassstrikeplate.The
ringcutintothetopofmyfinger,whichdidnotswellupmuchatall.
Incontrast,JeffandIwereworkingatacommunitycollege(theonefrom"AProcessofElimination"),
onceagaininahurry,andhisringgotcaughtonanopen-ended,right-angleddoorhandle.Hiscutwas
muchworsethanmine,hisfingerstartedtoswellbadly,andwehadtocuttheringoff(afterhelaiddown
onabenchandlettheshockwearoffabit).Fortunately,ourjobsgaveusaccesstotools,albeitnotthe
idealoneforthiskindofaccident,namelyaspecialdevicecalleda"ringcutter."Itlookslikeanoldfashionedcanopenerthathasbeengivenaninety-degreetwist,withaprotectivechannelthatslipsbetween
theringandthefinger.Idon'tknowwhyalotoftheseseemtobemadeinFrance,soIencourageyouto
speculatewildly.Thetrickhereisnottoburnthefingerwiththecuttingfriction.
ADoorableDigit
It'seasytounderstandhowonepersoncangettheirfingersindustriallypinched(nearlyoff,
sometimes)whensomeoneelseisclosingadoor;infact,thisisafairlycommonstory.Thehingesidetendsto
inflictamuchnastierinjurythanthestrikeside,andofcoursemetalcardoors(particularlythesliding
guillotinesonavan)aremoredangerousthantypicalhouseholddoors.
RingToss
41
What'shardertofigureoutishowsomeonemanagestodothistotheirownfingers.Onelikely
suggestionisthattheyareactingasiftheyaretwopeople,withoneoftheminchargeofthedoor,andthe
otherinchargeofthefingers.Onescenariothatdoesnottendtopopsoreadilytomind(andyetactually
happens)iswhereapersonisjusttoolazytotakethesingleadditionalstepneededtoclosethedoorby
graspingthespecialsafetyknobthat'sbuiltrightintoit,butinsteadtriestopivottheslabbyputtingtheir
fingersthroughthehingesideandpushingontheedge.That'sliketryingtoclosescissorsbyreaching
throughfromtheinside.Imean,seriously:
KARA:"Brainandbrain.Whatisbrain!"(StarTrek,"Spock'sBrain,"1968)
HittingThings
Itseemsthathumansshouldhavederivedareallysimpleprinciplebynow,namelythatwhenasoft
thingandahardthingcollide,thesoftthingloses.Thattheyhavenot,infact,workedthisoutisshownby
howoftenpeoplewillusetheirhandstohithardobjects.Thehands,beingsoft,lose.
Thesehardthingsincludebonyitems(skulls),houseparts(walls,doors,windows),trees,boulders,
vehicles,andsoon.Asalastcaution,itshouldbepointedoutthatwhilemostdrywallismarginallyfragile
enoughtonotbreakthehandthatcrunchesintoit,thestudsbehindthewallareunforgiving,andthepoint
ofdrywallistohidethestudsaswellaspossible.Thelikelihoodofrandomlyfindingastudinthisway
turnsouttobemuchhigherthantheone-in-tenchancethatyoumightexpect.
Soifyoumustpunchawall,atleastgoupstairs:itnotonlygivesyouamomenttocooloff,butthe
studsareusuallyspacedfartherapart.
JackStandCouldEatNoHand
Jeffwasworkingunderoneofourcarswhenajackstandcollapsed,laceratinghishandbadlyenough
thatwewenttogethimstitchedup.
HerearesometipsfortheEmergencyRoom.Whileyou'rewaitingtobeseen,youcanconstructively
passthetimebyturningsomekindsofdeepcutsintopuppets,asin,"Hi,I'myourslicedhand,you
dumbshit.Whatwereyouthinking?Hey,let'sseeifwecanmakeyourbrotherpassout...omnomnomnom."
Ifyoudon'twanttowaitaslong,thereareafewwaystomoveupthetriagelist,namelybysomecreative
combinationof:bebleeding,behavingaheartattack,beunconscious,benotbreathing,orbefriendswith
theheadofEmergency(allotherpatientsbeingotherwiseequal).Andhere'sahintforhospitaladmins:
whenyougiveyourfolkstraininginsomethingliketheEmergencySeverityIndex,pleasemakesurethat
theydon'tmisread"pulseless"as"pubeless."
TheHead
Whatcanonesayaboutinjuriestothehead?(Let'sfindout.)
Theheadisactuallyprettywellprotected,anditcanabsorbafairamountoftraumabeforegivingin.
Justincaseyou'recurious,itdoesn'toftenworklikeyouseeinthemovies.It'sprettyhardtogaugeablow
justperfectly,wherethevictimgetsknockedoutforpreciselyanhourratherthanstaggeringaboutinpain,
keelingoverdead,orgettingupinacoupleoffuriousseconds.Hitsomeonewithasap(asin"birdshotfilledleatherbag,"not"doofus")andyou'rejustaslikelytokillthemasmakethemreallyangry.(Okay,I
admitit:hittingthemwithadoofusmightalsokillthem,butit'snotwhatIoriginallyhadinmind.)
HittingThings
42
Despitetherealityofthesituation,ablowtothehead(includingthetritepunchinthejaw)ismore
likelytobeportrayedinstoriesasrenderingapersonconvenientlyincapacitatedthananyotherkindof
injury,otherthanperhapsasolidkicktothegroin.("GoNads!")
Heigh-hotheDairy-oh,aPencilintheHead
Afriendofminewasclutchingapencil(pointup)inherfist(whichwasprobablyarelativelychubby
littlefistsinceshewasinfourthgrade),whenshestartedlaughingatsomething.Well,thatfistwasresting
onherdesk,andasshebroughtherheaddownwhilelaughingatwhateveritwas,sheimpaledherforehead
andbrokeoffthelead.
Althoughtheleadeventuallyworkeditswayout,notallsuchforeignmattermanagestomakeitback
outofthebody.Therearepeoplewalkingaroundouttherewithallmannerofforeignstuffswimmingabout
inthem.
Glassandmetalandallsortsofothermaterialseemstobewelltoleratedbythebodyonceyouget
pastthepointofitpossiblyinfectingthehelloutofyou.Encystmentisamarvelousthing.
HammerintheHead
WhenIwasaboutfive,welivedinahousethathadadetachedgarage(bothphysicallyand
emotionally).MylittlebrotherandIwereoutthereonedayplayingwithhammers,nails,andboards,andI
decidedtousemyhammertotapJeffonablueplastictoyhelmethewaswearing.Itwasreallyjustthat,the
meresttap,butinretaliation,Jeffwhippedhisownhammerbackwardinatwo-fistedswingupoverhishead
andburiedthetipsoftheclawedendinmyskull,afterwhichheracedintothehouseinsuchablurthatI
don'tthinkhereallybotheredtoinhabittheintermediatespace.Ijustrememberhearingthehammerhitting
thecementaftergravitywaskindenoughtocomealongandleveritoutofmyhead,followedbytheclick
ofthefrontdoorlock,whichwasfollowedinturnbyJeffyellingtomymomthatI'dhithim(whichwas
againsttherules).
WhenIgottothedoorIhadtoknocktogetin,atwhichpointthedoorflewopenandmymom
smackedmeacrossthefaceforhittingthebaby.Inallfairnesstomymom,Idon'tthinkshesawtheblood
allovermyheadandcoatuntilafterIhadbeenpunishedonthebasisoftheunilateraltestimonyofathreeyear-old.(MightaswellgoforrevengeandsympathywhileI'matit,right?LetJeffwritehisownbook.)
Myonlyothermemoriesofthatincidentinvolvesittinginareddish-brownhighchairwithmyhead
wrappedinawhitedishtowel.
Consideringthedamagethathammersdotoadultsonaregularbasis...
Wait,justwaitaminutehere.Hammersdonotdamageanybody.Peopledamagethemselveswith
thesetoolsbecausetheyareidiotswhodon'tpayattentiontowhatthey'redoing.There.Muchbetter.Now,
backtoourregularlyscheduledsarcasm...
Consideringhowmuchdamageyouraverageobliviousadultislikelytobeabletowreakupontheir
fragilefleshwithasteeltooldesignedforsmashingandripping,it'sprobablynotagoodideatoletalittle
kidswingoneofthesesuckerstoandfro,atleastnotwhenthere'sanotherlittlekidhangingaround
presentingsuchatemptingtarget.
CloseCoverbeforeStriking
Thisisasetofstoriesaboutthevariousthingsbywhichmyheadhasbeenconcussed,splitopen,or
otherwisebangedup.
Heigh-hotheDairy-oh,aPencilintheHead
43
Tostartoffwith,therewasthetimethatIwasrollerskatingaroundthepatioandcaughtthecornerof
ametalwindowframeinthescalp.Thewindowhadbeenrolledoutjustfarenoughtodriveametalwedge
intotheboneandknockmeoffmyfeet,afterwhichIhitthebackofmyheadontheedgeoftheconcrete
stepwhenIfell.
Thisissimilartomytakingastairwellatcollegebyjumpingdownfromlandingtolanding,skipping
theintermediatesteps(afterall,theyarecalled"flights"),onlytolearninmid-soarthattheceilingabovethe
finaljumpwasnotasmoothdownwardslopeliketheupperflights,butratheritmadeanabruptvertical
drop(or"wall"asitisknowninthetrade),soIslammedmyforeheadintothatandfellbackwardsontothe
stairs,whichdidadditionaldamagejustabouteverywhere(particularlyCalcutta).Iactuallyleftadentinthe
wall.
Ohyes,let'snotforgetthetimethatIwasdumpingacouplebagsofgroceriesintomyparents'
Oldsmobilewithoutknowingthatthetrunklidhadahabitofcreepingdownward.Ipeggedmyheadso
hardonthesharpcornerofthetrunknearthelicenseplatethatIslammedmyteethtogetherandchipped
offaportionofoneofmyfrontteeth.I'mtallenoughthatI'velearnednottosetbagsofgroceriesdownon
thecounterinthekitchenwithoutfirstmakingsurethatthere'snocabinetrywaitingtonailme.
Infact,cabinetedgesandcornersingeneralareafamilyfavoriteforhittingyourheadupon,somuch
sothatmygrandmotherusedtohangredflowersonanythingthatevenvaguelyresembledacornersothat
mygrandfatherwouldstoptakingheadwounds.Infact,he'dabsorbedsomuchdamageoverthecourseof
alifetimethatmymeagerfewaccidentspaleincomparison.Mymomoncecompiledatwo-pagelistofhis
injuries(onlegal-sizedpaper),andthatwasjustthememorablestuff,whereWorldWarIshellshockanda
careerinstructuralsteelfiguredprominently.Basedonthathistory,theydecidedthatAlzheimer'smightnot
betoblameforallofthechangesinhisbehavior.
TheFace
Asthemainrepositoryofyoursensors,thefaceisjustchockfullofveryfragileapparatus.Youreyes,
nose,ears,tongue,allofthesethingsarejustincrediblydelicateandthey'reallsittinginoneplace.I
supposethatthislessensthedistancebetweenthevarioussensoryorgansandthebrain,thuscuttingdown
reactiontime,butitstillseemsanawfullotlikeputtingallofyoureggsinonebasket.
Ofcourse,therehavebeentimeswhenIwouldmuchratherhavehadmyeggsontopofmyheadthan
withinthereachofasoccerplayer'sfoot,butthat'sanotherstory.
Whatthisallcomesdowntoisthattalesofdamagetothefaceseemtoberarecomparedtothe
numberofstorieswhichfocusonwoundstospecificpartsoftheface.(There,yousee?That'ssomethingyou
mightneverhaveknownifyouhadn'treadthisbook.)
Thepartsofthefaceeachdeservespecialattentionbecausethekindsofdamagethatcanbedoneto
themisdifferentininterestingways;forexample,theeyesareschematicconcavities,andtheytendtoget
hurtwhensomethingentersthem,whereasthenose,beingarelativeconvexityorprotuberance,tendstoget
crushed.(There,that'ssomethingelse.)
Dad'sWhiskerBurns
Likeallthemeninmyfamily,mydadhaseighta.m.shadow.MybrotherandIlearnedatanearlyage
thatwhiskersareweaponry.AddaPendletonshirt,andyou'rewalkingsandpaper.
Speakingofsandpaper,loadsofstoriesaboutfacialinjuriesarespeedrelated.Whileahelmetcan
providesomeprotection,ifyouflyoffamotorcycleandskidonyourchinyou'regoingtoerodeyourface
TheFace
44
away.(Inalongenoughslide,thehelmetjustwearsawayfirst.)
Shouldn'tThrowStones
I'veseenquiteanumberofpeople(onvideoandinperson)obliviouslywalk(orevenrun)intoglass
doorsandwindows.Thereverberant"dung"tendstobedistinctive.Mostofthetimethesepeopleare
lookingtothesideinsteadofwheretheyaregoing,sowe'llclassifytheseinjuriesunderTheFaceinsteadof
likeamoustache(i.e.,underTheNose).
TheNose
Thenoseisthetoesoftheface.(Youknow,ifIweren'talreadywritingthatdown,I'dwritethatdown
somewhere.MaybeI'llputitonat-shirt.)That'sprobablywhythewordsrhyme.It'sthisfleshy,
cartilaginousthingjuststickingoutthereaskingtobebroken.It'snotjustaprimaryolfactoryorgan,it'sthe
face'sfirstlineofdefenseagainstdamage.It'slikethosebigfluorescentyellowgarbagecansfullofsandon
thefreeway,orthosestacksofmetalplates.Theideaisthatwhenacarhitsthose,theycollapseina
controlledfashionanddispersetheenergyofthecrashbeforethecargetstothecement,whichwillnotgive
atall.(Remember,thesoftthingloses.)
So,theideaisasfollows:ifacarisgoingtorunintoyourface,makesureithitsyournosefirst.Same
thinggoesforyourfriend'selbowduringbasketball,thebackofsomeone'sheadwhileriverrafting,ora
Frisbeecaromingupoffthefloor.
Relatedly,andIhavepersonallywitnessedthishalfadozentimes(albeitnotexperienceditmyself),if
acatisgettingallfriendlyandrubbingalloveryourface,andthenitstailstartstwitching,there'sapretty
goodchancethatyou'regoingtogetyournosebitten.
NoseSaw
Iwasstandingacrossfromtheolderbrotherofafriendofmine(Iwasaboutfive),andhewassawing
awayata2×4withahandsawsofastthatyoujustknewthathereallywishedhehadanelectricsaw.Try
manuallysawingthroughabunchoflumber,andyou'llknowwhatImean.Inanycase,thesawboundupin
thestud,heleanedforwardtoputweightonittoforceitthrough,andIsupposethatIeitherleaned
forwardinsympathyandanticipation,orthereleasethrustlengthenedthesaw,butthenetresultwasthat
thesawteethtoreforwardthroughboththewoodandmyflesh,specificallythebridgeofmynose.Iranout
oftheirgarage(hmmm,apropensityforheadinjuriesinthegarage?)intendingtogostraighthome,butwas
stoppedalongthewaybyaneighborhoodmom.Shewouldn'tdoanythingaboutmynose,butshealso
wouldn'tletmegohomeuntilI'dtoldherwhathappened.
HeyBuddy,GotTwoDimesforaNostril?
Here'sasimplestory.Mybrotherputadimeupeachofhisnostrilsandthencouldn'tgetthemout.
IknowakidwhoputalittlecylindricalLEGOuphisnoseandlikewiseitbecameasemi-permanent
addition.(Yes,thecylinderwashollowandhecouldbreathethroughit.)Onoccasion,parentsdon'tknow
thatsomethinghasgottenlodgedupthere(particularlyfoams,fabrics,andfoods)untilthesmelltipsthem
off.
I'veheardotherstoriesthatinvolveitemsrangingfromorangeseedstograpestocandy,butI'm
waitingforanofficialreleasebeforeIgiveanydetails.Thethingis,whyareallthesekidsdoingthis?My
Shouldn'tThrowStones
45
suspicionisthatchildrenhaveaheavypropensityforpack-ratting(nottobeconfusedwithpat-racking),or
forstoringfoodintheircheekpouches,buttheyhavebeenheavilyindoctrinatedagainstputtingfilthy
thingsintotheirmouth,sotheystickthemuptheirnoseinstead.Iguessthatweshouldbeluckythatthe
noseisthemostconvenientoftheotheroptionalorifices.
StringbetweentheEyes
Jeffwasridingsomesortofminibikearoundsomehillsinaconstructionsiteandmanagedtogeta
linetwangedacrossthebridgeofhisnose;fortunately,itwasthelinethatsnappedratherthanhishead.
There'sareasonthatthissortofthingiscalled"clotheslining,"and,unfortunately,itcanbedeadly.
Don'teverthinkthatastringorropeorsomethinglikethatwillgivewayjustbecauseyou'regoingfast.It
won't.Youwill.
NoseandShoulders
Neverallowdandruffshampootogetupyournose.Don'tevenletadripofwaterwhichhashadthe
slightestamountofcontactwiththeshampoogetanywherenearyournostrils.Don'tevenwavethebottlein
thevaguestgeneraldirectionofyourface.AmIspeakingfrompersonalexperiencehere?Ofcourse.
Imanagedtogetsomeveryveryverydiluteshampoosolutionupmynose,andIthoughtthatIhad
meltedthefleshoutofmysinuses.Justlookattheingredients.There'sareasonforthe"pyr-"in"zinc
pyrithione,"asin"funeralpyre."Infact,itwasanalmostpreciselyidenticalexperiencewhichinspiredJim
Morrisontowritethatparticularsong.
TheEyes
Damagetotheeyesisusuallybyforeigninvasion,suchasgettingpokedbysticks,stones,knives,
fingers,andallofthatgoodstuff,buttherearealsothoseextraordinarilycreativeindividualswhodo
managetoputtheireyesintosomethingandgetthemhurt.
KnifeintheEye
ThissamekidwhogottheLEGOuphisnosewascuttingtowardshimselfandslippedandpokedhis
eyewithaSwissArmyknife.
Never,ever,cuttowardsyourself.Iknow,itfeelslikeit'seasierandeverything,andofcourseyoufeel
likethiscouldneverhappentoyou,butI'vegotnewsforyou:everyoneoftheseskeweredpeoplethought
thatitwouldn'thappentothem.Noonecutstowardsthemselvesandsays,"Hey,IbetthatIcanmanageto
stabmyselfifIkeepthisup."(Yes,Iamaparent.)
Thedangerdoesnotgoawaybymerelyrepeatingthelitany,"Yes,butI'llbecareful."Carefulwhat?
Carefulnottobleedonthecarpet?Youcannotbecarefulwhilecarvingtowardyourself.That'sliketrying
tobecarefulwhiledrivingwithyoureyesclosed.
EyeScreamScooper
Anothertime,thissamekidwaslookingthroughtheholeinthebasinofanicecreamscoop,oneof
thosethathasthespring-loadedwiperthatzipsbackandforthacrossthecurvetogettheicecreamball
StringbetweentheEyes
46
out,andheputhiseyetooclosetotheholeandthatlittlewiperzippedacrossandscythedrightintohis
eyeball.AsIsaid,somepeopleareextraordinarilycreativeaboutthissortofthing.
EyeHook
WhenJeffwasakidhewentouttothelakewithsomefolksandashewasstandingaroundwatching
peoplefish,hefeltatugathiseyeball.Someonewasusingoneofthoselittlefoldingfishingrodsandashe
flippedthecastbackwards,hehookedJeff'seye.Theymanagedtogetthehookoutandhiseyeseemstobe
fine.Iguessthatfishingjustisn'taspectatorsport.
ProfessionalEyeInjury
Jeffvolunteeredtobeavictiminadisasterpreparednessprogramrunbysomelocalparamedics.
Whenhewasbeinggored-upbythemake-up,theymanagedtogetsomelatexinhiseye,whichisjust
aboutaspleasantasgettingzincpyrithioneupyournose.
EyeProbe
IthoughtthatJeffwashidinginthisstrangelittlecubbyholeinthewallofmyparent'sbedroom,and
inordertofindhimIpokedaroundwiththisoldcarantenna.Ifoundoutthatatleasthiseyewasinthe
closet,aswellashismouth.
Scissed
Ifyouseesomesortofsheet(likeanapkin,papertowel,orwhatever)stickingoutovertheedgeof
somethingthat'saboveyourlineofsight,donotpullonit.Thescissorsrestingontopofthesheetwillbe
pulledoverthelipandpokeyouintheeyeastheyfall.
BlackEye,WhiteLie
Ifyouusetheexcusethatyougottheblackeyefromdroppingawrenchonyourfacewhileworking
underthecar,considerthefactthatsomeonemightaskyouhowyoumanagedtodothat,giventhatyou
alwayswearglasses.MyDadsaidthatputhimintheawkwardpositionofhavingtorememberwhat
actuallyhappenedthenightbefore.
TheMouth
Lipssplitquickerthanagymnast,andteethmakeatrulyinterestingcrushingnoisewhenthemouth
getshurt.Actually,ifanyexternalbodyparttrulydeservespunishment,it'sgottobethemouth,
consideringthatitisthemostfrequenttroublemaker.
BytheHammerofOuch
Mygrandfatherusedtoworkinstructuralsteel,andashewaswalkingalongtheyardonedayhe
crossedthepathofahammerbeingswungtosomeoneelseontheendofarope.Ittookoutsome
EyeHook
47
horrendousnumberofteethandknockedhimoutcold.IthinkthatIhaveheardofthismanbeingknocked
outmoreoftenthananyotherpersonI'veeverknown.
WhatI'dliketoknowis,who'sideawasthis?Whowasitwhowashangingaroundandsaid,"Hey,I'll
justtiethispieceofironontoalineandswingitthroughacrowdofpeople."Iwouldbewillingtobetthat
thissamepersonwouldthinkitwasareallystupidideaifhewereriskinghisownteeth,butitseemslikea
goodideaifitsaveshimsomeeffort.
Anamazingnumberofinjuriesoccurintherushtosaveeffort.Herniasareprobablythebestexample
ofthis,especiallybecauseitshowsthatpeoplewouldrathermakeonetripandcarrywaytoomuchthan
walktwiceandcarryalittlelesseachtime.That'slogicforyou:youendupmakinganextratriptocarry
yourherniainsideanyway.
Mygrandfathertoldmeaboutanothertime-savingstrategyonaconstructionsite,namelyridinga
hookdownfromanupperfloor.Myunderstandingisthatwhenthehookcameby,iftherewasnoload,
you'djuststepontoitwhilegrabbingthecableandthecraneoperatorwouldsetyoudownontheground.
Anancillarybenefitwasimpressingthesecretarieswatchingfromtheofficesacrossthestreet.Thisplan
wentawrywithaguywhosteppedontoahookthatturnedouttobeconnectedtonothingmorethata
cablecoiledonthefloorabove.Itwasfortunate(insomesenseofthatword)thatheonlyfellthreestories
ontoapileofsand,breakingonlytwoofhislegs.
Stupid,Stupid,Stupid
IwasattheRaptorRehabCenterinthesaw-whetowlcage(adorablelittledevilsthattheyare)
effectingarepairofsomesort,andIneededtoshortenalathbutwasintoomuchofahurrytogoallthe
waybacktotheworkshoptolookforasaw.Iheldoneendofalathinmyhand,placedtheotheragainsta
supportingsurface,andbroughtahammerdownwhereIwantedtobreakit.Iknewenoughnottocreatea
lath-springthatwouldjackthehammerbackintomyface,butwhenthelathbroke,thefarendcameup
andsmackedmeinthemouth,cuttingandswellingmylip.InthenextchapterI'lltalkabouttheright-tool
rule.
Licked
Tongueinjuriesincludesuchclassicsas:(a)stucktoacoldsurface(don'tpullit,justtrytowarmit
withyourbreath,orwaitforsomeonewithwarmwater...orIguessthatfreshurinewouldworkinwhatI
hesitatetocallapinch);(b)cutwhenlickingfoodoffofasharpkitchenimplement(wheretheactoflicking
movingbeatersisanuncommon-but-actualvariationonthistheme);and(c)cutwhenlickinganenvelope
flap(wherelickinganenvelopeiskindofgrossanyway,whenyouthinkaboutit...you'remailingsomeone
yourspit).
Therearealsosomehardcandiesandsuckers(particularlytheglassy-lookingones)thatcanbecome
razorsharpasyousuckonthem,andyoudon'tevenrealizethatyou'vebeencut(sometimesmorethan
once)untilyoutastetheblood.
ThroughtheLipsandovertheGums,LookOutPalate
Ifyoutwirlapieceofdriedspaghettionyourtongue(notlikeabaton,whichwouldbequiteatrick,
butratheronitslongaxislikealollipopstick),itcreatesaminiaturespearthatyoucandrivethroughyour
palateifyoubumpintoanything.Justingeneral,itturnsouttoberiskybusinesstowalkaroundwitha
stick(evenadullone)aimingatthebackofyourthroat.
Stupid,Stupid,Stupid
48
TheEars
Earsarewell-knowntobeadevicedesignedtokeepkidsfromgettingawaywithstickingtheirhead
intothings.Iftheygetcaughtearlyon,thentheyarelesslikelytogettheirheadguillotinedlateroninlife,
especiallyiftheyarehumiliatedbythemorassofcreativelubricantswithwhichachild'sheadcanbe
dousedbyananxiousparent.
Iwaffledovertheinclusionofstoriesaboutamateurearpiercingandthelike.Foronething,it'sa
deliberateinjuryinaclasssimilartootherrelativelyintentionalbodymodifications,suchaselectivetongue
splittingandfaith-based(i.e.,culturallynon-mutilative)circumcision.Foranother,Idon'thappentohave
anystoriesaboutearpiercingathomewithanicecubeandapotatogonehorriblywrong.(Thepiercing,
notthepotato...althoughthatsaid,Iwouldstronglyadviseagainstusingapotatowithgreenundertheskin.
Orforthatmatteranearlikewise.)Yes,itcanhurt,butit'snotliketheneedle-wieldermissedanddrovethe
needlethroughyoureardrumorsomething.AndifIincludeearpiercing,thenwhataboutthenose,
eyebrows,lips,and...soon?SoIdecidedtoleavethemalloutbecauseit'sacanofwormsdeservingofits
ownbookswrittenbyotherpeople.
Thatsaid,anumberofpeoplehavetoldmeabouthavinganearringrippedout(bythelikesofachild,
monkey,branch,sweatersnag,cockatoo,andevenawildlygesticulatedpencil),anditsoundslikenofunat
all.
EarsCaughtinBannister
Tobeaccurate,kidsusuallygettheirheadscaughtintherailsoftheballustrade,notthebannister.
Theproblemisthatearsareone-way.Period.Theyfoldbacknicelywhenyouwanttogoforward,andthen
springouttopreventrelease.
Thisveryactionprovidedtheancientinspirationbehindtheinventionofthetogglebolt,whenJomper
Togglegothisheadcaughtbetweenthebarsofhisprisoncell.(Okay,soImadeupthisstory,buttheactual
originofthetoggleboltissexualinnature,andalthoughitsinclusioncouldbejustifiedonthebasisof
historicalaccuracy,itsadultnaturemakesitinappropriateforinclusioninafamily-orientedvolumesuchas
this.)
Agoodcombinationispetroleumjelly,peanutbutter,andvegetableoil.Ithardlydamagespaintatall.
Andyes,youcouldjustuseacoupleofthinsheetsofplastictoholdtheearsflat(likeflexiblebinder
covers,orcheapcuttingmats),butwhere'sthelesson(orfun)inthat?
IsNothingSafe?
Didyouknowthatifyouhitapersonintheearwithawaterballoon,youcanpoptheireardrum?
Well,nowyoudo.
TheFront
TheFrontincludesthefollowingnon-backabove-the-waistnon-extremities,namely:thechest,throat
(outsides),collarbone,pectorals/breasts,nipples(unlessthey'rephenomenallylong,Isuppose,thenthey
mightbeextremities),ribs,andbelly.
TheEars
49
Consideringhowmuchofyouroverallbodytargetismadeupofyourfront,Ithinkit'soddthatI've
heardsofewstoriesaboutfrontalinjuries.Forexample(orforlackofany),noonelikestogetgluckedin
thethroat,butIhavenospecifictalesabouttheseincidents.
Oneofthemostmalignedbonesinthebody,theclavicleislaudedforitscontributiontokeepingour
tiesfrombecomingbelts:itisthebonewithoutwhichwewouldhavenocollar.Yourshoulderswouldjust
stickoutofyourhipssomewhere.Anyway,itgetssnappedonanunreasonablyregularbasis.
ItiswithafeelingakintoblessedreliefthatIcansaywithsomeconfidencethatIhavenonipple
storiestotellyou(asidefromhavingheardof"purplenurples"andpiercings,ofcourse),whichisdefinitely
notthesamethingashavingno-nipplestoriestotellyou.(LetusnotdwellonthatsceneinTheWallwhere
Pinkdamnnear...nevermind.)
Ribscangetbrokenwhenyousmackintosomething(commonlythegroundplussomeintermediate
obstacle,likeatreelimb),andviceversa(suchaswhenyouobliviouslywalkintothepathofabatter's
practiceswing,orloseagameofurbanFrogger).Butthebonecanalsogetseparatedfromthecartilageina
conditioncalledcostochondritis(i.e.,aninflammationoftheplacewheretheboneandcartilagemeet).That
paincanlastformanymonths,tothepointwhereyouforgetwhat"normal"feltlike.Theproblemisthat
thisjointisdesignedspecificallytoprovidesomeflexibilitywhenyou'removingaroundandbreathingand
soon,butthatverymobilitycontinuestoirritatetheinjuryanddelayitshealing.
Myimpressionisthatbellyinjuriesmostlyinvolvegettingthewindknockedoutofyou,andIhavevery
fewspecifictalesbeyondthelikesof,"Iwasplayingfootballwhen...,""Iwasboxingand...,""Ilandedonmy
stomachwhenIfelloff/outofa...,"or,classically,"Mybrotherjumpedonmystomachand...."
(Forwhatit'sworth,therearesomestoriesthatIamnotincludingherebecausetheyalsoinvolved
seriousinternalinjuriesforthekid,whichentailedawholelotofworryamongfamilyandfriends,andthat
sortofthingisnotentertainingtome.Ifit'sastoryaboutme,that'sonething,butnotwhensomeotherkid
reallygetshurt.)
FlatbedTruck
Iwasaboutfiveatthetime(thatseemstohavebeenadangerousyearforme),playingwithsomekids
onaflatbedtruckparkedacrossthestreetinaneighbor'sdriveway,andweweretrippingeachotheroffof
thebedsowecouldlandinoddpositionsonthisinnertube-and-canvastrampolinesortofathing.I
inventedaparticularlypeculiarlandingpositionwhichinvolveddivingheadfirstintotheground,thus
divertingmostoftheforceoftheblowthroughmyspine,butcatchingoneshoulderontheinnertube,both
poppingtheinnertubeandabsorbingjustenoughimpacttokeepmefrombeingkilledoutright.Iguessthat
thebrokencollarboneaccountedforalotofmyinabilitytocatchmybreathforthenextcoupleofhours.
EitherthatorthepunchinthegutthatItookforpoppingtheinnertube.
ContemplatingYourBurningNavel
Mywife'suncledescribedlaunchingaweldingsparkintothedepthsofhisnavel,andImustsayit
soundedlikeanexcruciatingexperience.Thatsaid,youtrulyhavetoadmirehisaim.
Where'sMyMedal?
LateonenightIwaswalkingjustpastthecornerofa24-hourconveniencestorewithmyhandsinmy
pocketswhenaguycamebarrelingoutofthealleyandbowledmeover.Hehitmeonmyleftsideandmy
feetbothfetchedupagainstaconcreteparkinglotbumper,soIlandedveryheavilyonmyrightsidewhile
squarshedbythistwo-tonidiot(wheremyestimateofhisweightaccountsforthegravitationaleffectsofhis
inertia,i.e.,myinjury,somyphysics).Thepoliceofficerwhoimmediatelycameflyingoutofthedarkness
FlatbedTruck
50
behindhimseemedtobeveryhappythatIhadbeentheretoprovideahelpinghand,andIspentthenext
fewmonthstryingtorememberwhatpainlessbreathinghadbeenlikebeforeIseparatedmychestcartilage
frommyribs.
MovingDay
MyfriendGarywasstandingonasecond-floorlanding,andIwaspassingthesideofawaterbed
frameuptohim.(Idon'tknowwhywedidn'tjustcarryitupthestairs,butitwaslikelybecausecornering
canbeannoying,andjusthandingittohimwouldhaveseemedfaster.)Istartedtoletgojustashelosthis
grip,andIkeptitfromfallingonmyfoot(yay)bylettingtheattachedmetalbracketdigafurrowintomy
belly(boo).
TheBack
TheBackincludesallnon-frontabove-the-waistnon-extremities,namely:yourneck,back,
shoulderblades,spine(notincludingthetailbone,whichbelongstoTheButt),andkidneys.
Similartothebutt,thereareacoupleofprimarywaystoinjureyourback.Oneisbydamagetothe
spine,ofwhichthetailboneisthebuttextension.Wedon'treallyhaveaterminEnglishthatwouldbethe
non-spine,above-the-waistbackanalogof"buttocks,"soI'lljustsay"backmeat"iftheneedarises(whichit
probablywon't).Andofcourseby"kidneys"Idon'tmeantheinternalorganshere,butrathertheareaofthe
backthatwouldbetargetedbyakidneypunch,which,nowthatIthinkaboutit,suggestscaptivatingnew
meaningsforsuchfamiliartermsas"fruitpunch,""paperpunch,"and(perhapsmostdistressingly)"heavydutyholepunch."
Themostinsidiouskindofbackinjury,ofcourse,isalloftheabusethatyouheaponitbylifting
overlyheavyandungainlyobjectsbysheerforceofyouth,whereyoudon'tfeelthewearandtearwhenitis
occurring.Youhavetowaittogrowolderwhenallofasudden(orsoitseems)youcan'tevenliftyour
spiritswithoutendingupintractionforamonth.
SticktheLanding
Likeitwasthedaybeforeyesterday,Icanstillhearthesoundofmyfriend'sspineafterheslippedoff
ofabranchandlandedbackwardacrossatreelimb,onlytospinheadwardtobellyflopthuddinglyonto
packedearthandroots.[Note5]Hewalkedawayfromthatone...afterawhile,slowly.Thatratchetnoise
wasnotassimilarasImighthavepredictedtothesingularcrackhisspinemadewhenheflippedoffofhis
bikeandlandedacrossthesplit-railfence,orforthatmatterwhenhewentflyingupoffofthehalfpipeand
landedacrossthelip.IwonderifthisisthesortofthingthatinspiredFosbury.(Nowthere'ssomeonewho
trulybenefitedfromtheadventoffoampadding.)
IFeelaLittleHorse
Afriendgotbuckedbyaponyandlandedonherbackinapileofponyshit.(Atleastitwasfresh,so
shehadthatgoingforher.)Myunderstandingisthatthefirstthingtodointhatsituationistolietherein
pain,beinggratefulthatyouweren'tridingahorse.Oranelephant.
HeDoesHisOwnStunts
MovingDay
51
MyfriendCarlfellbackwardsintoabedofivyforahighschoolmovieproject,cleverlydiscoveringa
sprinklerheadwithhiskidney.So,yeah,thewhole"plungingintotheunknown"thingcanbebadnews.
TheCrotch
Thesekindsofstoriesseriouslyretractthelandinggear.
Whileakicktothegroinisprettyunpleasantnomatterone'ssex,fromamale'spointofviewthe
worstofthesekindsofinjuries(otherthantheoutrightlossoftheparts)involves"nutcracking."Ican'teven
watchtheballetinquestionwithoutanoccasionaltremorofsympathypain.Wewenttoarestaurantthat
hadacollectionof,youknow,nutcrackers,anditmademenervousjusttositnearthem.
Therehavebeenafewmoviesinwhichpeoplehavebeenchasedbydollsortoysthathavecometo
life,butIhaven'tyetseensomepoorguybeingchasedaroundbyanutcrackertryingtocrushhistargets.
ApplyingtheFootBrake
TherewerefourofuscrammedintotheteacupatDisneyland:Jeff,myself,andthetwoyoungwomen
whomwewereescortingaroundthisthemepark.Asentangledaswewere,Jeff'sdatehadherfootmoreor
lessrestinginhislap.Whentheridestarted,JeffandIwenttoworkonthatlittlewheelinthemiddle,first
whippingthatteacuparoundsofastonewaythatitwashardtoreachintothemiddle,andthenslowingit
downandgoingtheotherway.Theladieswerefindingitimpossibletoholdtheirrespectiveheadsup,and
JeffandIwerestillspinningthethingandlaughinglikemaniacs,whenJeff'sdatedecidedthatheronly
defensewastoapplycrushingpressuretothefootbrake.Jeff'shandsleftthewheelindesperationandmine
wentlimpinmylapoutofsympathy.Mylapwentlimpaswell.
Maybeshethoughtitwasonlyfairtosharethenauseawithhim.
CatPendulum
Iwassleepingonthecouchwrappedupotherwisenakedinayellowthermalblanket,whenIsuddenly
heardanoiseandgotuptofigureoutwhatitwas.ThesecondIgotupIstartedscreamingbloodymurder
becausethecathadfallenasleeponmylapanddecidedtohangfrommebyitsclaws.Yes,rightfromthe
end.Thatwouldhavebeenbadenoughbutthecatwasalsowrigglingaroundtryingtogainpurchaseon
mylegswithitshindfeetsoitcouldletgoandlandwithsomedecorum.
Ihavebeenbludgeoned,poked,sliced,stuck,broken,andonandon,butthereisameaningfulsense
inwhichthisnumbersamongtheworstofmyinjuries.
Myadviceisthatifyoueverhavetheopportunitytoavoidhavingyourmostsensitivebodypartseven
mildlyshreddedbyacat'sclaws...TAKEIT!
Nemesis
Thisbookwouldnotbecompletewithoutsolemnlymentioningthehorizontalcrossbaronboys'bikes.
(Thedesignofgirls'bikesusedtotakeskirtsintoaccount,sothecrossbarwascurvedtobelownearthe
seat.)Iknowthatyou'resupposedtoadjustthebikesothatyouhaveacoupleofinches'worthofclearance
overthisbar,but:1)manypeoplecan'taffordtorideabikethatisoptimallyadjustabletotheirpersonal
configuration,and2)acoupleofinchesjustisn'tenoughtosaveyouwhenyou'reflyingforwardofftheseat
(duringsomedaredevilstunt,orfromjusthittingasmallbutstubbornrock).MorethanonceI'veseenakid
TheCrotch
52
landpoorlyafterlaunchingupahomemaderamp,andinonecasethebikemaliciouslyheldontomy
friend'spantlegashetriedtokickhimselffree.(Thatepisodeendedinamemorablysolidcrush.)While
grunchingyourselfononeofthesenutcrackershadvirtuallybecomeariteofpassageforayoungman
[Note6],Iampleasedtosaythatmanybikesarenowdesignedwithaslantingcrossbar.Withallofthatin
mind,letmejustmakeonesuggestion:poolnoodle.(No,IamnotreferringtoSeinfeldianshrinkage.)
Andforthesakeofallthat'sgoodandholy,ifyou'reteachingaboychildtopeestandingup,either
installoneofthoseslow-closetoiletlidsorteachthemnottorestontheedge.
Hell'sGate
Therearetwoparticularlybadwaystofindoutthatyoururethraisunusuallysensitivetothe
introductionofcertainchemicals.(Well,okay,therearefarmorethantwo,butI'mgoingtofocusona
coupleofspecificwaysthatarenotdeliberate.)
"FuzzyWuzzyBathSoap"[Note7]wasfurry-animalshaped(e.g.,bear,dog,monkey,andsoon),andit
wouldgrowapeltofcrystals.Whichofcoursewasallwellandgooduntiltheburningbegan.Therewas
supposedtobeatoyinside(ofthesoap),butofcoursewedidn'tgetthatfarbeforethrowingitaway.And
howthehelldoyourinseyoururethrafromtheoutside?
Nonoxynol-9isaspermicidewhoseflame-throwingeffectmightnotbefeltuntilthenextmorning.The
firstsignificanthintoftheallergicreactionisyourkneesbucklingwhenyougotopee(evenifyouare
alreadysittingdown).Andit'snotlikeyoucandecidenottopeeuntilitgetsbetter.Theonlyreliefiswhat
youfeelwhenthedoctortellsyouthatyoudon'thaveaseriousSTD.Toaddinsulttoinjury,whenyougo
intofindoutwhyyoururethraisonfire,thenursehastotakeaspecimenbyswabbingwaydowninside.
Andthentheyactallincredulouswhenyoudon'trememberwrenchingtherailsoffthegurney.
TheButt
Intermsofdamagetaking,therearetwomainareasofthebutt,namelythetailboneandthebuttocks.
Thetailbonetendstogetsmacked,andthebuttockseithertendtogetstabbed,orthemusclesgetpulledor
torn.Partofthisdifferenceisprobablyduetothefactthatasmacktothebuttocksisrarelyperceivedasa
grievousinjury,andIamgiventounderstandthatit'sdifficulttobeaccurateenoughtostabthetailbone
withouthittingthebuttocksinstead.Plus,ifyoufallonyourasshardenoughforittofeellikeanactual
injury,you'veprobablybruisedorbrokenthetailbonetoo.
WhenIaskedaroundtoseewhatsupportIcouldgetforthisconjecture,Iwassurprisedtofindthat
thereissomecontroversyaroundtheuseoftheterm"yogabutt."Somepeoplewanttoreserveittodescribe
thesilhouette-alteringeffectofpracticingyogaforseveralmonths,whileothersfeelthatitshouldjointhe
hallowedranksofsuchoccupationalsyndromesas:"tenniselbow,""housemaid'sknee,""cycler'ssack,"
"diver'spalsy,""lover'sfracture,""rapmusic,""weaver'sbottom,""barbecueribs,""welder'snavel,"
"swimmer'sear,""pirate'schest,""baker'sasthma,"and"plumber'scrack."
TailboneBreaker
Isliddownaflat,wetrockonmybackintotheSacramentoRiver,onlytofindmyselfparalyzedafter
havingcaughtmytailboneasolidsmackagainsttheraisededgeofasplitintherockface.Iendedupdoing
amarvelousimitationofFrankensteinasIfloatedslowlyandrigidlydownstream.
GettothePoints
Hell'sGate
53
Whenmygrandfatherwasyounghehoppedintothebackseatofaflivverortinlizzyorzootbuggyor
whatevertheyusedtocallthembackthen(perhapsacar)andlandedonaporcupinepelt(or,astheyused
tosay,aporkypaloozer).Theextractionprocesswasreportedtobememorablypainful.
Ican'thelpbutthink,whatsortofidiotleavesaporcupinepeltonaseatofallplaces?It'snotlikehe
wasjustaproductofhistimeswherenoonegaveadamnaboutsharpobjectsorsomething;afterall,the
safetyrazorhadbeeninventeddecadesearlier,eventhetypewithdisposableblades,andtheyalreadyeven
hadthosemedicinecabinetswithaslotinthebackforthatverydisposal.Soit'snotlikehisdecisionmakingwasduetoaculturaldevil-may-carelessness.No,IthinkthatIcansafelyconcludethattheguywas
misguidedinhisapproachtoother-centeredbehavior.Butlet'snotleavethetopicwithoutamentionof
PaulWinchell,whoinventedaninexpensivewholly-disposablerazorjustayearafterIwasborn;Ithinkit's
verycoolthatthevoiceofTigger(andaraftofotherwell-knowncharacters)patentedandbuiltthefirst
implantableartificialheart.
Iwouldn'tkidyouaboutsomethinglikethat.
TheGuts
Forsomereason,thingsthatpeoplewouldn'tdototheiroutsidesinamillionyearstheyareeagerto
dototheirinsides.Youwouldn'tpourtaralloveryourskin,butmillionsofpeoplepouritontotheirlung
andbraintissueonadailybasis.Iwouldn'tcovermyfaceinplaque,butI'mprobablycoatingmyarteries
regularly.Maybeifpeoplecouldseewhat'sgoingonratherthanhavingtheuglyconsequencesallniceand
hiddenaway...nah.
Mostthrillseekinginjurieshavetobeprettyseveretoreachaninternalorgan,sotherearen'tgoingto
beallthatmanystorieshere,astherearefewersurvivorstotellthetales,plusIdon'tlikestorieswherekids
gethurtthatbadly.
SmokingUnfilteredCamels
Jeffwantedtobeacowboy,somydadsatdownwithhimandsmokedtheremainsofthisbeastlypack
ofunfilteredCamelcigarettesthathadbeenstoredinaneconomy-sizedpeanutbutterjarsincejustafterthe
Floodreceded.Jefflinedthemup,intendingtosmokethemall,litthefirstone,puffedaway,gotgreen,got
anosebleed,anddeclinedtoproceed.Mydadwasalllike,"Okay,wecanstopifyouwant,butifyouever
changeyourmindthesewillberighthereontopofthefridge,andwecanalwaysgetthemdownagain."
Weneverdid.
Stuffed
Irecallseveraloccasionswherethefamilywouldgotoasmörgåsbordrestaurant,andJeffandIwould
stuffourselvessobadlythatwewouldhavetoliedowninthebackofthecartoavoidtheworstofthepain.
Butwhatagloriouspainitwas.
ChewableChildren'sAspirin
WhenIwasaboutfour,myfriendGlenandIsatonthetopofthebackfenceandsharedafewbottles
ofthatyummyorange-flavoredchildren'saspirin.Mymomfoundtheemptybottles,notifiedGlen'smom,
andthenworkedatmakingmethrowupwithsaltwater.Thisisanexcellentreasontofindalternativesto
FDA-approvedpoisonsdeliberatelytailoredtotastegreattokids.
TheGuts
54
Thatsaid,Istillthinkit'sultracoolthatyoucangototheapothecaryandtheywillflavoryour
medicine.Thethingis,though,theonlyavailablechoicesseemtobeeitherkid-attractiveflavors,like
watermelon,strawberry,bubblegum,andbanana(whichareokay,Isuppose),ortheycatertopetswith
flavorslikebacon,tuna,andmolasses(whichmightalsonotbetoobad).IguessthatifIwantmymedicine
totastelikeBailey'sIcanalwaysgooutandbuymyownkit.
TheSkin
You'reprobablywellfamiliarwiththefactthattheskinisthelargestbodilyorgan.Naturally,then,you
willbesurprisedtolearnthatfewofthesestoriesdealwithinjuriestotheskin.(Goahead,letyourselfgo!
Besurprised!Helpmeouthere.)Thereason,ofcourse,isthatcutsandsoforthareidentifiedaswoundsto
specificbodyparts,possiblybecausetearingintoEmergencyscreaming,"I'vecutmyskin!"isn'tparticularly
helpful.Forthisveryreason,theonlystoriesthatgetputinthissectionarethosewhichinvolvegeneralized
damageallovertheoutsideofthebody.
SwimminginaHook-InfestedCreek
Swimmingaroundinthestormrun-offsloughwasdumbforsomanyreasonsthatwetendedto
overlookthosetimeswhenwewouldgetsnaggedbyoldhookswhoselineswerealltangledupintherusty
garbageliningthesiltymuckonthebottomofthecreek.Besides,whohastimetothinkaboutthatsortof
thingwhenyou'rebusyhavingfun?Well,onethingthatmakestimeiswhenyou'vegotyourfootcaughtin
somerootsatthebottomofthehole,andyou'reloungingaboutdrowning.Itwouldbeallthemorehorrible
ifyouwerecaughtdownthereonafishhookortwo(orthree)andyouhadtodecidewhethertorip
yourselffreeorwaitafewhoursorweeksforthewaterleveltodropbelowyourhead.
PoisonIvyforFloralDisplay
Yes,itisinfusedwiththemostbeautifulandvibrantoffallcolors,butmygrandmother'ssisterlearned
nottoincludepoisonivyamongsttheHarvestFestivaldecorations.
WhataBurn
RightafterIgraduatedcollege,Imanagedtogeta(prettymuch)all-overseveresunburnbecauseIfell
asleep.Ihadtowearasuitforajobinterviewthenextdaythatrequiredatwo-hourdriveeachway.The
dayafterthat,mychestpeeledoffinonesheet.Andyes,Iamwaitingforthattocomebacktohauntme.
Summary
Idon'thaveanysignificantconclusionstodrawbeyondthegeneralitiesthatalreadypepperthis
chapter.WhatIwouldliketodoinsteadisbrieflytalk(onlysemi-seriously)aboutthesinglemostdangerous
placeforthrillseekingchildrentovisit(asmeasuredonaper-visitbasis,anyway).
No,it'snotyourkitchenwithitsknivesandovensandglass.
No,it'snotyourbathroomwithitsslipperysurfacesandnoxioussubstances.
No,it'snotyourmethlabwithitsgasflamesandmercuryandstapleremovers.
TheSkin
55
Yes,it'syourlocalplaygroundwithitsenticingcolorschemes,heavymachinery,andeasyaccessto
heights.
Thewholeenvironmentisdesignedtopresentafalsesenseofsecuritytoaspecificsetofparticularly
vulnerableusers,namelykids,becausetheyhavetheleastamountofpracticalexperienceinriskassessment
aroundtheirpersonalsafety.Iknowpeoplewho,askids:brokebonesonaclimbingstructure,chippedteeth
onaseesaw(halfadozensuchfolks),cuttheireyeonaprotrudingbolt,toretheirligamentsaftergetting
theirlegtangledinaclimbingnet,shatteredtheirspleenfallingoffofaslide,bangedtheirheadatthe
bottomofaslide,broketheirtailbonewhentheirpartnerjumpedoffofaseesaw,dislocatedashoulder
whenflyingoffoftheroundabout(akathecarousel,merry-go-round,spinner,g-forcepuker,centrifugeof
death,andsoon),andburnedtheirskinonthehotsummerslide.Andthenofcoursethereareallofthe
falls,breaks,andbludgeoningsjustfromthehorizontalladdersknownasmonkeybars.(Mmm,monkey
bars.)Imean,there'sevenastudybytheConsumerProductSafetyCommissionthatanalyzesallofthe
injuriesthatentailtripstotheEmergencyRoom,sometimesresultingindeath.
Andyes,mostofthetimebyfareverythingcomesoffwithoutahitch(break,burn,orconcussion),but
that'snotwhatthisbookisaboutbecauseIjustdon'trememberawholelotoflunchroomconversations
goingalongthelinesof,"Hey,Ienjoyedanothercompletelyuneventfulandinjury-freedayonthe
playground."Itwasalwaysmorelike,"Look!Igotthisscabtrippingonakickballandskiddingonthe
blacktop.Wannatradeyourchipsforthiscookie?"
I'lltellsomeofthesestoriesinmoredetailwhenwegetto"Explorations."Therealpointofbringingit
uphereisjusttoavoidtheclunkinessofstrewingtheseexamplesacrossthischapteraccordingtoinjured
bodypart.
Missionaccomplished.
NOTES
Note1:IthinkitwasGiulioCamillowhofirstdocumentedthisdynamic.Well,eitherhimorHelena
Blavatsky.LikeJoanwithLarryandDanny,Icanneverkeepthosetwostraight.[Back]
Note2:You'refilthy,thelotofyou.
AndI'llwarnyouthatwe'reabouttowanderintoTMIterritoryinthisNote,butIdecidedtoincludeitin
thebookanywaybecauseIshouldqualifywhatIsaidaboutmyrelativelylowincidenceofcrotchinjuries,
particularlyinlightofbeingdiagnosedwithcancershortlyafterIthoughtthisbookwasfinallyreadyfor
release.
Soheregoes.
Thedoctorperformedthefirsthalfofmyvasectomybeforetheanaesthetictookeffect.Ihadtoldhimthat
itwouldtakelongerthannormalformybodytoreacttotheanaesthetic,buthedidn'tbelieveme.Idid,
however,reactveryquicklyindeedtothewaveofintensenausea,nearlypassingout.Hejustsaid,"You're
notinpain.You'renotinpain."Thethingis,hesaiditwithaparticularBritishintonation,soIdidn'tknow
thathewasaskingme.Itsoundedlikehewastellingme,"It'sonlynausea,notpain,whichistobeexpected,
sodealwithit."Fortunately,afternottoomuchmorecrotchalslicing,thenursesaid,"Doctor,thatboyisin
pain."Iagreedwithherwholeheartedly(andhalfscrotedly),pointingatherrepeatedlyandemphatically,
thenIsaid,"I'mgoingtotakealittlenapnow."Thedocrespondedwith,"Ohnoyou'renot,staywithme,"
andtiltedtheheadofthetabledown.Itseemssortofsadisticthathewouldinsistonmybeingawakefor
thepain,butIfindthatIdon'tunderstandCanadianmedicineverywell.Anyway,forwhatit'sworth,when
hetippedthetableIimaginedmyrightnutrollingdowntheinclineandbouncingacrossthefloor,which
furtheramplifiedthepotentialforwantonbarfamication.(No,not,"wontonbarfamication."Don'tbegross.)
Thenursethengavemeacool,damptowelformyforehead,andthedoctordecidedtowaitsomewhat
Summary
56
longerbeforecontinuingtoslicemeup.Igotquiteabitofsympathyfromthefourotherguysinthe
recoveryroom,thenwaddledoutanddrovemyselfhome.
DidImentionthatthishappenedonValentine'sDay?
Anyway,ontopofthis,manypeopleinmyfamilyhaveablood-injection-injury(BII)phobia.It'stheonly
phobiathatyoucaninherit,andratherthancausinganadrenaline-stylefearreaction,yougetavasovagal
responsethattriestokeepyoufrombleedingout.Itdrawsintoyourgutalotofthebloodfromyour
extremities,suchasyourhead.Soyougetaverybriefheartacceleration,thenaslowedheartrate,dropping
bloodpressure,and,ifyou'renotcareful(andsometimesevenifyouare),fainting.IfIseesomeoneelse
gettinghurt,thenmyimaginationtreatsmetotheirsensationofpainandthepassingoutfromshock.
Unlessit'sanemergencysituation,thensomeotherpartofmybraintakesoverandI'mfinetohelp.Until
it'sover,anyway,andIhavetimetothinkandlookaround,thenIgetsick.
Icanworkinacutecareasaspeech-languagepathologistwithoutissue,andbearoundwoundsandIVsand
allofthat,butwhenIwouldgotowatchveterinarysurgery(backwhenIthoughtthatwasgoingtobemy
careerpath,notasahobby),Iwouldstarttopassout.Somehowmybraincantellthedifferencebetween
whenIamneeded,andwhenIamnot.
Yes,Ididneedtoliedownonthefloorduringtheearly-ishstagesoflaborwhenmydaughterwasborn.
ButIbouncedbackasthesenseofbeingneededtookoversoIhadnofurtherproblem.[Back]
Note3:Since1949,theCrayolacompanyhasidentifiedthiscoloras"RedViolet,"namelyeither#C0448F
or(192,68,142),whichisnowknowninhtml/cssas"moderatepink."Idon'tknowifthefollowingblockwill
faithfullyreproducewithyourePubreader,butithasareasonablechanceofworking:███.[Back]
Note4:Icanlookatthescarsonthebacksofmyhandsandsay,"nailstickingoutofaboard,boxcutter,
shatteringbeaker,startledblackleopard,glovecompartmentburr,drinkingglass,don'tremember,yanked
weddingring,topofchainlinkfence,forcedscrewdriver,"andsoon.Itendnottodothat,though,because
itbringsonuncomfortablesensationsofexperiencingtheoriginalpain.Andoncethechemoconveniently
wipedoutmyhair,Icoulddothesameonmyscalpwiththelikesof,"clawhammerfromJeff,crankedout
windowframe,Buicktrunklid,"andsoon.[Back]
Note5:My"reader"earwantedmetowrite,"thepackedearthandrootsbelow,"butIdecidedagainstit,
becausewhereelsewouldtheybebutbelow?NotthatIneversacrificesenseforthesakeofrhythm,butI
havemylimits.[Back]
Note6:Iamusingtheword"virtually"initsold-timeysenseof"allpracticalpurposes"ratherthanthe
morecontemporarymeaningof"inanMMPORG."AlthoughIreservetherighttochangemymindifthey
addbikestoGuildWars.[Back]
Note7:Phraseswithastaccato,trochaictrimeterpattern(i.e.,"DA-daDA-daDAA-daaa,"asin,"Fuzzy
WuzzyBathSoap,"and,"growapeltofcrystals")willtriggerformetheearwormassociatedwithHarnick
andBock's,"IfIwereaRichMan,"exceptthatthepoeticphraseinsistsonswappingouttheoriginallyrics.
[Back]
Summary
57
ʃ Explorations ʅ
M
UCHLIKE"DISCOVERIES,"THISCHAPTERISACOLLECTIONOFANECDOTESratherthanthetellingofonespecific
tale,butinthissectionthestoriesfocusmoreoncuriosity-drivenrisk-takingthanonanyactualinjury
thatmightresult.IrealizethatbyputtingthischaptersecondImightbeirritatingsomereaders,sincethat
placesthecausesaftertheireffects,butIpreferthisorderbecauseitreflectshowkidstendtolearntotell
thesestories:theystartbycomparingwoundsandscarsandonlylatermoveontorecountingthedetails
abouthowtheygothurt.
Manyofthesestories,then,willendwithsometypeofdiscoveryotherthananinjury.ButIlikethat
too;afterall,ifallexplorationtalesendedinpainthenanenticingelementofsuspensewouldbelost.Yes,
theywouldstillvarybyinjurytype,butthatbecomespredictableperexperiment;thatistosay,astory
aboutlightinganaerosolsprayisfarmorelikelytoendinamangledhandthanadamagedfoot(althoughI
amsurethatthereareexceptions).Sosomestoriesareworthtellingbecausetheymakejusttheriskof
disasterinteresting,orbecausethereisachanceoffindinggold(orsomeothertreasure)attheendofthe
rainbow(andnotabrokencrown).
Thatmeansthere'snosimplisticmoralinthischapter,butitdoesbringmetothinkabouthow
someonecanbebothsmartanddumbenoughtodosomethingrisky.Variouskindsofresearchsuggestthat
thepeoplewhoknowthemostaboutasubjectaretheoneswhosaythattheystillhavealottolearn;in
contrast,apersonwhomerelybragsabouttheirexpertiseisatimebombwiththedisplayburnedout;they
knowhowtodosomething(tosomedegree)buttheydon'thavethetemperingthatcomesfromlearning
whennotto.
Andthankgoodnessforthat,orwe'dhavemissedoutonsomegreatdiscoveries.
I'mnotthinkingjustofthosescientistswhoguinea-piggedthemselvesdeliberately,suchasPritchard,
Salk,Forssmann,andloadsofothers.IhaveinmindthosepeoplesuchasCurie,Scheele,Reichelt,and
Davy,whodidnottrulyunderstandtheriskstheyweretakingbecause,atleastinpart,theywerepioneers,
sotheirexplorationshadyettoexposethoserisksinthefirstplace.And,ofcourse,evenpeoplewhodo
knowaboutthedangerscanalsosprintafoulofanaccidentnowandagain,suchasValier,Duesenberg,
Daghlian,andBullock.Thinkofthisasacontinuum(oranevenhigher-dimensionalspace)wheresomeone
likeKarelSoucekfallssomewhereinthemiddle:heunderstoodagooddealabouttheassociateddangers
(andinfacthisshock-absorbingbarrelwasdesignedexplicitlyasariskreducer),butnotthoroughlyenough
toaccountforthedetailsthatledtohisfatalaccident.Likeawatchthateventuallystopsworkingin
increasinglydeepwater,nothingistrulyfoolproof,justfoolresistant.
Itiseasytounderstandwhythisincautiousbehaviorisparticularlycommonamongmedicaldoctors,
nottomentionquasimedicalpractitioners:yourbodyisahandylaboratorybecauseitisalwayswithyou
(andyes,becauseitusuallyhashands),anditcantaketimetogetpermissiontousehumantestsubjects.
Thisleavesasideanyspeculationabouthubrisinthemedicalprofession,butitdoesmakemewonderhow
manydoctorsandotherscientistsandinventors(muchlessstuntprofessionals)startedoutasthrillseeking
children.
JeffandIusedtoworkatamuseumwhosecuratorhadacquiredanicecollectionofquackmedical
devices,suchas"violetray"andozonemachines,whichbringsupyetanotherfuzzycategoryofpersons,
ʃExplorationsʅ
58
whereanynumberofotherwisegenerallyreputable,well-intendeddoctors(settingasideunmitigatedquacks)
haveintroduceddevicesordrugsintotheirpracticethatwerelaterrecognizedasinhumane,illconceived
(akaharebrained),andharmful.Amongthemoreinfamousofsuchtoolsandtechniquesarethelikesof:
prefrontallobotomy,thalidomide,bloodletting,twilightsleep,exorcism,eugenics,trepanning,electroshock
therapy,andmutilativepracticesthatIdon'twanttospecifyfurtherinabookthatisintendedaslight
entertainment.[Note1]
Thethingis,anytoolcanbeabused,andthemorepowerfulthattoolis,thegreaterthepotentialfor
harm;similarlythough,you'dthinkthattherightkindofcreativemindcouldalwayscomeupwithsome
beneficialuseforanytool,nomatterhowaptlydiscrediteditmightbebyhistoricalexperience.The
problemisthattheappropriatecontextmightbevanishinglyrare.
Inthatsense,thrillseekingchildrenhuntthewildcontext.
Andhowdotheydothat?Well...
Themostdefinitivelyschematicverbs(withpostponedargument)are:be,do,know,andgo.Exploration
isthepursuitof"oughtnot"(0').Youdowhatyou'renotsupposedtodo,togowhereyou'renotsupposed
togo,toknowwhatyou'renotsupposedtoknow,ultimatelytobewhoyou'renotsupposedtobe.(Perhaps
notalwaysinthatorder.)
LetmeshowyouwhatImean.
Pyromania,Explosives,andChemicalReactions
Youknowthatyourchildisathrillseekeriftheyhaveacompromiseddesiretofollowarecipe.Ifyou
leavethemunattendedwithasimplerequestthattheymakesoup,andtheyendupaddingalittlebit(or
maybealottabit)ofeverythingfromthespicerack,ahandfulofoddsandendsfromthekitchenjunk
drawer,aheartyinfusionofalcohol,andapapertoweltwistedintoafuse,allthewhileglancingsidelongat
thecrèmebrûléetorch,thenyou'dbettergetyourselfreadyforalong(andscorched)roadahead.
ChemistrySet
Achemistrysetbringsarisk-takingyoungstertodestroyasmuchascreate.Ofcourse,thereisan
advantagetothis:yourchildwilllearntodealwiththeirdestructivetendenciesfromaveryearlyage,so
they'llhaveabetterchanceofsurvivingsuchadventuresiftheygrowolder.
Yes,it'smeagerprotection,butit'sallthey'vegot.
Forexample,theinstructionsinmychemistrysetsaidtoputiodineonapotatoandwatchitturn
black(ostensiblybecauseit'ssomehowimportanttoknowhowtoidentifythepresenceofstarchinone's
food...likeifyou'reeverstrandedinthewildernesswithnothingbutabottleofiodineandyou'retryingto
distinguishtubersfromaardvarkpoop).
Thethingis,theinstructionsweren'tveryusefulbecauseIalreadyknewanexcitingwaytoturnthe
potatoblack:lightit.WhichofcourseworkedalotbetterafterIsprinkleditwithanunlabelledliquidfrom
thetoolchest.
Isurvived;liveandlearn.
Seehowthatworks?
MixingPesticides
Pyromania,Explosives,andChemicalReactions
59
Asmentionedin"SafetyFirst,"therewasalathhouseinourbackyard.Itwasfilledwithacurious
arrayofchemicalsleftbythepreviousowner(aWWIIBrigadierGeneral),everythingfromverycomplex
pesticidestoalloftheelementalingredientsneededtomakegunpowder.Whileyoumightbeamazedat
someofthestrangeeffectsthatapesticidemixturecanhaveonanotherwiseperfectlyhealthyplant,Iwill
saveyousometimehere:itdoesnottendtohelpitburnverywellinthelongrun.
Irecommendnotgettingthissortofstuffonyourfingers.Ifitdoesn'tstainyoutolooklikea
dementedmimeorjustmeltyououtright,it'sboundtostinkuntiltheskinwearsoff,whichactuallydoesn't
takeallthatlongwhenitcomestosomeofthemorecausticstuff.[Note2]
Andnever,ever,get(mixedorotherwise)pesticidesonyourclothes.Notunlessyouwanttoget
caught.
BlackPowderfromGardeningChemicals
Oneofthethrillseekingchild'sgreatestadventuresistryingtofindtherecipeforgunpowder,followed
shortlybythequestforpotassiumnitrate.JeffandIwerefortunateinthatoncewetrackeddownthe
formula,alloftheingredientswererightthereinthelathhouse.
I'mnotgoingtogivetheformulaherebecauseIwanttofollowthetraditionthatusedtofrustrateme
somuchasakid,wherewriterswouldleavealltheselittleclues,butwouldnevergetrightdowntoit,like
thematterofproportions,orhowtoputthestuffunderpressureifyoueverdidgetitmixed(evenifyou
didhaveapiperollerandarockpolisher).
Now,Ididn'thavetowalktoschoolinthesnow(orrideapiglikemydad),butIamstillcodger
enoughtogrumpabouthowmucheasierlifeisfortoday'skids,bemoaningthelackofthesamesortsof
challengesasIhadtoface.IrememberwellhowdifficultitwastofinallytrackdownacopyofHenley's
Formulas,wherenowyoucanjustlookitupontheinternet.Icanbecoywhenwritingaboutmakingsimple,
entertainingbombsandsoon,butthere'sreallynopoint:itisdisturbinglyeasytojustgoonlineandwade
hipdeepinvideotutorialsonthesubject.Thingswerealotdifferentbackintheoldendayswhenwe
carbonizeddeadvegetationintocoal.[Note3]
IntheFire
Bulletsdon'tneedaguntobedangerous.Please,please,pleasedon'tbestupidenoughtotestthe
following:ifyouthrowsomethinglikea30-06cartridgeintoafireitisthelighterbrasscasingandnotthe
heavierbulletthatwillflyaway(sometimesasshrapnel).Yayphysics!
Youcanalsotossinatinyrocketmadewithsomefoilandapapermatch.Thosethatlanduprightin
thecampfirewilllaunchthefoilpayloadjustfine,andtherestwillstillfizznicely.Theycanflyfourormore
yards,sowatchoutfordrygrassontheperiphery.AndwhileIhatetowastefood,sometimes(sinceyou're
cookingoverthecampfireanyway)itisimportanttofindoutjusthowbadlyyoucanburnahotdogandstill
eatit.
Asidefromobviousfuelsandaccelerants(i.e.,gasoline,alcohol,solvents,andthelike)thatcan
instantlyturn"afunfire"into"afuneralpyre,"herearesomesuggestionsaboutotheritemsnottothrow
ontotheblazejusttoseewhatwillhappen(becausethatmightbedeath),namely:sealedcontainerswhere
pressureisarisk(e.g.,aerosolcans,batteries,lighters,andevencansoffood),sedimentaryrock(whichis
actuallyasealedcontainerduetoembeddedairorwater),pre-1953vintageclothing,celluloidfilm,and
handfulsofpowders(likesawdust,spices,creamer,sugar,andsoon).
Onarelatedtopic,itdoesn'ttakelongtofigureoutthatyoucanlightthespraycomingoutofan
aerosolcan.WD-40makesthetorchofchoicebecausetheyhavethatnicelittleredtubethatmeltsback
towardsthecan,givingyousomesortofachancetoditchthethingbeforeitblowsyourhandoff.
BlackPowderfromGardeningChemicals
60
GrassesandGasses(andRiskingYourAsses)*
IfyougetanemptyCoolWhipcontainerandmixtogetherabunchofstuffthatyoufindinthe
kitchenandlaundryroom,itcaninfactbubbleoverprofuselytopermanentlykillaratherlargepatchof
lawn(whichisalltheworsetroubleifyouconductyourexperimentinthefrontyardwhereyourparents
knowtheneighborscanseethedamage);furthermore,ifyouhappentoincludethewrongcombinationof
cleanersinyourtrials,thefumescanprofuselyandpermanentlykillyouaswell(which,whenitcomesright
downtoit,isjustaboutasbadinthefrontyardasintheback).Ibringupthisadditionalnoteabout
potentialdeathbecauseitspeakstostrategy:ifyouaregettingintroubleforkillingthelawn,youmighttry
pointingoutthatatleastyoudidnotdiefromchlorinegasexposure.(I'mnotsayingthatthishasagood
chanceofworking,butatthatpointyou'dhavelittletolosebygivingitashot.)
Speakingofwhich,towardstheendoffifthgradeIvolunteeredtohelpcleanoutthecommunitypool
beforeitopenedforthesummerseason.Theycastchlorinepowderonthedampwallsandfloor,andIwas
supposedtouseapushbroomtoscrubeverythingdowntowardstheswampofoff-brownsludgeinthedeep
end(wheremostoftheratsseemedtobedead).MymomwasupsetwhenIgothomenotonlybecauseit
ateholesinmyclothesandseriouslyirritatedmylungsandeyesandskin,butbecausehermomhadblamed
amiscarriageonexposuretochlorineduringapoolcleaning.(Iwasn'tpregnantatthetime,soherconcern
wasthroughthemoregeneralassociationof"chlorine=bad.")
Similarly,whenIwasworkingatthezoo(earlyoninhighschool),mybosshandedmeacoffeecanfull
ofchlorinepowdersoIcouldcastafewhandfulsintothemoatsurroundingMonkeyIsland(whichhoused
capuchins).Youwanttokeepthehandfulssmallandlowsothewinddoesn'tcarryanypowderouttothe
monkeysthemselves.Thethingis,myfirstdutyeverymorningwastohoseoutthecages,somypantlegs
werestilldamp,andasIhadtocirclethemoattothrowinthepowderIwasoccasionallydownwind.Once
againIendedupbleachingpatchesontomypantsthatturnedintoholes.
Chlorineisjustplainnastystuff.
*Thesewereafewofmyfavoritethings.(Tryevictingthatearworm.)
CementSparks
Ifyoupoundoncement(andsometimesasphalt)withacommonhammeryoucanmakesomenice
sparks.Somepatchesseemtoworkbetterthanothers,andyoucanendupwastingmostofanafternoon
tearingupthestreetattheendofyourparents'drivewaybeforefindingareallygoodspot.
Onecommonwaythatkidsfigurethisoutisbyhitting(orrathermissing)capsonthesidewalk.(Ifyou
hitawholerollatonceyoucanmakeyourearsring.)JeffandIdiscoveredthiswhenwewerekeeping
ourselvesoccupiedoutbehindmymom'sinteriordesignshop.[Note4]
PropaneTankWelding
MyuncleBenwassittingonanemptypropanetank,oneofthosehugeonesshapedlikeagiant
suppository.
Noproblem.Perfectlysafe.
Well,exceptforthefactthatwhileitwasentirelyemptyofliquidfuel,itwasstillfulloffumes.
Plushewasinsideofaquonsethut.
Weldingthetank.
So,yeah,problemafterall,notevenvaguelyresemblingsafe.
GrassesandGasses(andRiskingYourAsses)*
61
Idon'twanttogiveyouthewrongimpression,soIshouldmentionthatsittingonapropanetank
whileweldingitisabadideaevenifyoudosooutsideofaquonsethut.It'sjustthataquonsethuthasa
metalroofandacementfloorwhich(ifyoudoitoutsideinstead)youwon'tbeslammedintointurnwhen
thetankexplodes.
Helivedandlearned.
TheValueofHigherEducation
EveryyearJeffandIwouldattend"UOPDays"attheUniversityofthePacific.Thebestpartwasthe
exhibitionbythechemistrygraduatestudents.Whileit'sfuntoseeaquick-frozenroseshatter,thebestpart
isthelightingofhydrogenballoons(obligatorilyfollowedattheendbyonereallyhugeballoonthatturns
outtoonlybefilledwithhelium).ThatwasactuallyoneofthereasonsthatIendedupgoingtoUOP,but
findingoutthattheiractualchemistryclassesweresomuchmoremundanewasoneofthereasonsthatI
transferredaftermyfirstyear.(Stupidfalseadvertising.)
BurningMetal
Inmylateteens,Icameacrossarollofmagnesiumribbon,abrownglassjarwithseveralsmallchunks
ofpotassiuminsomesortoflightoil(probablykerosene),andafewotherelementsampleslikealittlevial
ofredphosphorusandavialofmercury.
Weonlyhadanelectricrangeathome,soinsteadIwouldholdapieceoftheribboninapairofpliers
andlightitoffofthewaterheaterpilot.Itflaresagorgeous,glaringlybrightwhitecolor.Ionceputa
burningpieceinalittlebedofredphosphorus.Thatwasamistake:itsmelledlikespoiledgarlic.Fora
looongtime.
WhenIgottocollegeIputapieceofthepotassiummetalinaStyrofoamcuphalffullofwaterso
somefolkscouldwatchitburnandfizzandspinaround,andithadn'toccurredtomethatitsheatwould
stickittothecup.Whenitmeltedthroughthesidealittlestreamofwatershotitoutontothedorm'shall
carpet.Thatspurtgaveitenoughwatertokeepitburning,sonaturallyIsteppedonit.Iwasnothappyto
findthatitstucktomyshoeandkeptburning.IlearnedthatifIhaveapieceofhotmetaleatingitsway
throughmyshoe,Idon'twastetimeonsuchrationalthoughtsasthatitwillstopwhenthewaterrunsout.
(Justthinkofwhatthatteachesyouaboutinterpersonalrelationships.)
Zished
Iwasinthegarage,buildingabattery-powered,plasticmodelofamotorcycleenginewhenIthought,
"Hey,Ishouldhookthisuptohousecurrent."(Iwasten.)Igotaspareplugwithsomezipcordoutofthe
drawer(probablyleftoverfromanoldtoasterorlamporsomething)andwiredittotheterminals,then
leanedoverthemetalworkbenchandpluggeditin.Nothingtooexcitinghappenedatthatpoint.Thesmall
motorinsideofitquicklygroundbackandforthafewtimeswitha"er-er-er-er-er-er"noise,acoupleofthe
smalllightbulbsblew/fused(representingsparkplugs),anditpartlymelted.Iunpluggedit(unimpressed),
wentintothehouse,andtoldJefftoabsolutelyleaveitalone.
Notlongafter,itsohappenedthatmymomwasseatedinthelivingroominjustsuchawaythatshe
sawtheflashfromtheexplosionreflectedoffoftheAirstreamtrailerthatwasinthebackyard.Thelight
hadshoneoutthroughthegarage'sbackdoorwindowandbouncedintothehousethroughthediningroom
window.Whenshegotoutthere,Jeffwassittingupagainstthecabinetsacrossthegaragefromthe
workbenches.AsevidencedbytheshardpatternthatIsawlater,Ithinkthattheexplosionwasfroma
"sparkplug"ignitingthemodel-glue-and-molten-plasticfumesthatgottrappedinthepistonchamberswhen
Ioriginallypluggeditin.IthinkthatwhatprobablythrewJeffwastouchingthemetalworkbench.
TheValueofHigherEducation
62
Hey,Itoldhimtoleaveitalone.
(ThankyouRobertFulghumforthegifttoourlanguageoftheword"zish."Ihaveuseditfarmore
ofteninmylifethanjumpercables.)
MissileWeapons
Thereareonlytwokindsofmissileweaponsthatcangetyouintotrouble:thosethatusechemical
propulsion,andthosethatdon't.I'vealreadytalkedalotaboutthatin"TheCannon."
BowsandArrows
Onetimewestraightenedoutawirehanger,tiedittoanylonfishingline,andshotitwithabowover
asetofpowerlines.Bypullingonthenylonwemadethehangermeltbybridgingtwoofthelines.I've
sincebeentoldthatyoucanelectrocuteyourselfifinsteadofanylonlineyouusewetstring.Sodon't.
Weplayedagamewithagroupofkids(whenwewerekids)wherewewouldshootanarrowstraight
upandthenplaychickenaboutdivingintothebushes.Ofcourse,whenitdidn'tcomestraightdown,being
inthebushesdidn'tsavemyfriendfromgettingstuckinthebutt.(Bythearrow,smartass.)
Guns
Sorrytodisappoint,butIwasneververyinterestedinguns,andexceptforsometoys(likecapguns,
discshooters,andsoon)wehadnonearoundthehouse.MaybeJeffhadaBBgun,becauseIusedoneto
shootatpowerlineinsulatorsinourbackyard.IstoppedwhenIsawabigblackchunkcomeoff.Ididsome
pistoltargetpracticeforashortwhileincollegebecausemyroommateGregwascaptainoftheHotShots,
butitdidn'tkeepmyinterest.I'vefiredothertypesofweaponsnowandagain,butmypointisthatitwas
neverreallypartofmyparticulartypeofthrillseeking.
Maybeforsomereasonitsunkinthatgunswereseriousbusiness,whereastherestwasfairgamefor
fun.Imean,ImadethecannonbecauseofthefamilystoryaboutmyuncleBen.Iusedthechemistryset
becauseitwasgiventome.Thepesticides,cleaners,spices,andsoforthwererighttheretobeused.Wiring
themotormodeltohousecurrentwassimplyalogicalextensionofitsintendeddesign.Andwhatother
purposedoesagianttoothpicksculpturehaveifnottobeburned?(No,Ihaven'tbeentoWickerMan.)In
contrast,mygunexposurewasseverelylimited.Iwasn'traisedinafamilyofhunters,tweakers,snipers,
skeetshooters,officers,posers,survivalists,gangsters,biathletes,orothertypesofgunusers,sotherewere
nofunnystoriesaboutfamilymembersblowingtheirbrainsout,makingguns,orbeingshot(likethose
idiotswhousetheirwaistbandasaholster).Therewasnostorysimilartotheonewheremygrandfather
hadpeekedaroundthecornerofthehouseandgottennailedbetweentheeyeswithanarrowshotbyhis
brother.
Butreally,theexplanationisprobablyalotmoresimple:giventhehavocthatJeffandIwroughtwith
suchinnocuousitemsascherrytomatoes,myfolksprobablyknewbetterthantohaveanythingseriously
gunlikearoundthehouse,ortoromanticizetheminanyway.
Iwoulddefinitelysaythatwasforthebest.
StufftoThrowatCars
MissileWeapons
63
TensofthousandsofpeoplegototheEmergencyRoomeveryyearduetogolf-relatedinjuries;infact,
theUSGAistryingtoputlimitsonthemaximumflightofgolfballsbecausethefarthertheygo,theharder
theyaretocontrol,andthemorepeoplegethurt.
WhenIwasakid,golfballshadatoughouterlayerthatyoucouldcutthroughtogettothelayerthat
waslikewoundrubberbands.Underthatwasahollowblackrubberball.Insidethatballwasnothing
special,noammonia,notoxicgas,nocompressedanythingunusual.(Sogoaheadandthrowitinafire.)
Butthatrubberballbouncedreallywell.
Iwastakingawalkonenightandfoundagolfball.Forsomereason,IthoughtI'dseehowhighI
couldbounceit.Itarcedwaaayup,thenlandedexactlysoastogetcaughtunderthepolicecruiserthat
pulleduptotheintersectionkittycornerfromme,loudlyricochetingamilliontimesunderneathit.The
officerwasnotentirelypleased.
Infact,peopleingeneralusuallyaren'tveryhappywhenyouhittheircarwithsomething.
JeffandIclimbedtheloquattreeinourfrontyardwithabowlfulofscrapingsfromoutofthefreezer.
Theideawastomakesnowballstopitchintothestreet.Welivedinarelativelyhigh-trafficareainthe
neighborhood,butwewerethrowingthemwelloutinfrontofthecarssowewouldn'tactuallyhitanything.
UntilofcourseIaccidentallysplatteredonerightonthehoodornament(andthusacrossthehoodand
windshield)andthecarscreechedtoahalt.
Mymomlatersaidthatallsheheardwasthefrontdoorslammingtwiceinquicksuccession,andthen
shortlythereafterthedoorbell.Turnsoutthatthedriverwasanaideinmyclassroomwhorecognizedme
(andknewmymom).
Itturnedoutthathidingunderthebedwasnotenoughtosaveeitherofus.
Speakingof"underthebed,"IusedtoshopliftalotwhenIwasakid,upuntilIwasstartingto
becomeayoungadult.Itwasn'tanythingIreallyneeded;itwasmoreforthethrill.Mymomoncefounda
stashofbooksunderthebed(oneofwhichwastheStarFleetTechnicalManual)andexplainedthatthe
whilethebookstorechainwassobigthatitwouldn'tbesignificantlyhurt,thepeoplewhoworkedthere
wouldgetintroublewhenitcametimetodoinventory.IstoppedshopliftingthenbecauseIunderstood
thatrealpeoplewouldgetintrouble.Ihadjustneverstoppedtothinkaboutitbefore.
Ithinkthatthere'slikelyallsortsofstuffthatImightnothavedone,hadIonlyhadcertainthings
explainedtomeintherightwaybeforehand.Thatsaid,it'ssimplynotpossibleforparentstoanticipateas
muchstuffastheirthrillseekingchildispronetogetinto,sotheycanonlyexplainjustsomuchbefore
sufferingalapseofimagination.
And,cometothinkofit,therearealsoallsortsofthingsthatIhaveagreedtodooncetheywere
explainedwell.
Sowhatitallcomesdowntoisthatachievingthetrulylovelygoalofa"meetingoftheminds"is
obstructedby"commonsense"beingneither.
PlaygroundEquipment
Italkedabitaboutthistopicattheendofthelastchapter.Fairlyearlyon,mostkidslearnalotabout
howdangerousplaygroundequipmentis,asitdemandstoburn,slice,tear,poke,andbreakanybodythat
hasthemisfortunetotoddleinitsdirection.
Asarisk-takingchild,Iwouldn'thavehaditanyotherway.
PlaygroundEquipment
64
Swings
Oneofthegreatthingsthatyoucandoonaswingisseeifyoucanmakeitactuallygoupandover.
I'veneverseenanykidactuallydothis,andthescience(and"Mythbusters")isagainstit,butthereare
alwaysrumors.Idorecallswinginghighenoughtoendupwitharatherjarringreturnplummet.Another
trickistoswingasfaroutasyoucanandletyourselfflyoff,andifyoucanrollbackforalayoutgainer
(withoutneckbreakage),somuchthebetter.
Seesaw
Theideahereistopushashardasyoucan,withyourpartnercushioningtheirlandingaslittleas
possible,soyoucangetsomeairbetweenyourbuttandtheseatatthetopofyourascent.Ifyou'renot
bruisingyourtailbonewhenyoucomedown,you'renottryinghardenough.Anddon'tforgetthejoyof
fallingoffwhenyou'reonthebottom(preferablywithoutgettingslammedunderthechin)tobringyour
partnerdownwithacrash.Ifyouabandonyourpostbyrollingoffbackwards,theirweightcanhelpflipyou
overontoyourfeet.
It'sunusuallyeasytogetthrownforwardandhityourfaceontheboardorpole,oftenchippingyour
teeth.Inevermanageditmyself,butI'veknownotherswhomasteredthatskill.What'soddistheinstinctto
holdontothehandlebarsevenasyou'reheadedintothefaceplant.
There'salsoagamewhereakidwhoisaloneontheseesawmakesitdifficultfortheirpartnertoget
on.Ifthefirstkidtimesthingsjustright(andtheotheronejustwrong),gettinghitunderthechinwithfortyto-eightypoundsofseesawseat(effectively)cancauseseverebellringing(andevenunconsciousness,tongue
severing,andtoothcrunching).It'snastybusiness.
MonkeyBarsandZipLines
Monkeybarsareprettysafeunlessyoutrytowalkalongthetop,steppingfromonerungtothenext.
Simplyfallingofftothesideandbreakingaboneisprettycommon,butwhat'smuchworseisslippingand
straddlingabar.Justthinkaboutit:it'slikesomeonehittingyouinthecrotchwithametalbarthatweighs
asmuchasyoudo.Ontopofwhich(sotospeak),you'reinnoconditiontogetdownatthatpointinany
sortofcontrolledfashion.Andyes,somekidsdogofortheslip-crunch-fallcombo.
Ziplinesweren'tplaygroundequipmentwhenIwasakid.Likemonkeybars,thisisanother"hangon
ordrop"toy,butI'veseenkidsgetapushfromsomeone(orsomeones)sothattheycanreallygetupsome
speed,andwhentheyhitthebumperattheendtheyhangonuntiltheirfeetswingwayup,thentheyletgo
andfallontheirbackorhead.
JungleGym
I'veseenanynumberofkidsfallonthesethings,andheardalotmorestoriesbeyondthat.Thisisa
goodpieceofequipmentforactuallybreakingbones.Onekidwassittinginacar-shapedstructurewhileI
wasoncrossingguardduty(sixthgrade),andIturnedjustintimetoseehimslippingdownbuttfirst,
foldedinhalf,andhittingthebackofhisheadonasuccessionofmetalrungs.Ihoppedthefenceintothe
playground,thinkingthathehadcompletelybrainedhimself,buthewasabletocrawloutofthewreckage
andstaggertothenurse'soffice(withalittlesupportfromanotherstudent).
Thisrapid-firesmacktothebackoftheskullisarelativelyunusualsortofinjury.Mydadcamehome
fromworkonedaywithhisheadwrappedinabandageturban.Hehadleanedbacktoofarinanoffice
chairandcrackedhiscrowndownasetoffilingcabinethandles.
Swings
65
PlaygroundSurfaces
Theasphaltsurfaceofsomeplaygroundsisnopicniceither.Whowantstofallonaconglomerateof
tarandsharprocks?Speakingofwhich,ifyourunbackwardsontheplayground,youcaninfacttripand
concussyourself.
Sandisgoodaroundtheequipmentasitsoaksuptheblood.Whichremindsme,haveyoueverbeen
digginginasandboxandfoundcatpoop?Anymore,though,itseemslikecatpoopwouldbeablessing,
consideringthatafewyearsagoIwaswalkingbarefootthroughasandboxatalocalparkandfounda
syringe,veryfortunately(anduncharacteristically)beforeitstabbedme.
Whenyouthinkaboutit,itseemslikesomekidsaregrowingupwithmoreexposuretobarkonthe
playgroundthatonactualtrees.Idon'tknowwhywecalledit"tanbark,"butthekids'folketymologywas
thatitwasbecauseitturnedyourskinreddishifyourubbedit,atleastwhenthestuffwasmadeoutof
redwood.Thethingis,IgrewupinCalifornia,andactualtanbarkthereismadefromcertainkindsofoak,
notredwood.SoIdon'tknow.It'sjustanotherwaythattheeducationsystemscrewsupkidsforlife,
teachingthemthewrongwordsforthings.
HomemadePlaygroundStuff
WhenIwasaboutfive,mydadputtogethersomeplanksandveryshortsawhorsestomakeacool
thingthatwecouldrunalongandbounce.Irecallhearingthathegotlockedinthelumberyardwiththe
dogswhenhewenttogettheboards.
Whenwewereolder,myparentsgotsomeoldtiresforustoplaywithinthebackyard,whichwas
prettycool,andoneofthethingsthatyoucoulddowasstackthemupandstandinthetower.Justasa
littleadviceIwillsaythatifthestackisgoingtofallover,itisbestifitisfallinginthewaythatyourspine
normallybends.Andunlessyouwanttopayforamosquitobreeder'slicense,don'tletthetiressitaround
fullofstandingwater.
Toys
It'snotthetoyssomuchthatareunsafe,butrathertheinterestingnewusestowhichthrillseeking
childrencanputthemthatprovidethedanger.
Hippity-Hospital
Ifyouimagineagianthot-waterbottlewithaloophandle,inflatedwithairtoformasphere,thenyou
prettymuchhaveagoodideaofwhatthesetoyslooklike.Theideawastositonthem,holdontothe
handle,andbouncealong.Problemnumberonewasthatifyoubouncedupthedriveway,youwereaslikely
asnottobethrownontoyourbackifyouwerelucky,andontoyourheadifyouwerenot.Problemnumber
twowasthatbygrabbingontothesehandles(sometimestherewereacoupleoftubesinsteadofoneloop),
youcouldprovideyourselfwithaformidableweapon.Twokids(um,possiblybrothers)thusarmedcould
prettywellbludgeonthemselvessillybeforeanyonerealizedthattheyweren'tplayinganymore.
VentriloquistDummy
Jeffusedtoreallyhatebeingchasedaroundthehousebymyventriloquistdummy.(Itwasn'tanimated,
Iwasholdingontoit.)Idon'tblamehim.Thatthinggavemethecreeps.Ihatedtoopenthecloset.(Throw
PlaygroundSurfaces
66
itonthefire...ifyou'rewillingtoriskthenightmareofbeingchasedbyapossessedincendiarydoll.)
Irememberlyingonthefloornexttohisbedandwakinghimbyreachingupwiththedollandpoking
himintheshoulder.ThatwasareallymeantrickthatIcanguaranteeIwillnevertryagain,becauseInever
wantanotherdolllikethatinthehouse.Evar.
Cars
Idroppeddownfromhangingonaclothingrodandmyfootlandedonadiecastcar.WhenIliftedmy
footinpainthecarcameupalongwithit,becausethesignonthemilktruckhadcutintomyfoot.
Speakingoftoycars,mymomusedabrownArtexfabricpaintpentomarkthetopofeachofourcars
witheithera'T'ora'J'.Someenterprisingyouth(aka'J')gotholdofthatpenandputcurlsonthebottomof
someofthose'T's.
Wizzzer
Thesearenothardtofindifyouremembertospellthenametherightway.AWizzzerisagyroscopic
topthatyouspinbygrabbingthebulbousendandquicklydraggingthehardrubber(maybenylon)wheeltipalongthefloor.Youcaneitherjustletitspinontheflooronthemetalnibthatsticksoutofthetip,or
youcanbalanceitonastringwithalittleaccessorythatsticksintoaholeinthetop'stop.Youcanalso
stackthem,haveanarenabattleinabowl,oruseatrickstandtobalanceitwiththeaxisofspin
perpendiculartothefloor.Youcanalsostickapencilnubintheendandletitdrawwhileitisspinning
upside-down.Theyusedtomakesomemodelsshapedlikesodacans.Theriskhereisfourfold:1)knuckles
gratingontheground(wherethedrivewayisacommonculprit);2)hairbeinggrabbed(sometimes
deliberate,butalsoaccidentalwhenakidjustwantstospinitontheirhead);3)frictionburnsfromholding
therubbertipagainstsomeone'sskin(prettymuchalwaysdeliberate);and4)destroyingthesurfaceofthe
floororfurnitureorwhateveritisyou'rerevvingiton.
WiredRemoteHelicopter
Wehadahelicopterwhoserotorwasdrivenbyacoilthatwenttoamotorhousedinabatterypoweredremote.Ihaven'tbeenabletofindoneofthosetofigureoutwhatthattoymightmorecommonly
becalled.Whilethespinningrotorwouldgiveitlift,theideawasstilltoswingitaroundinacirclesoit
wouldoccasionallyhitsomeoneintheheadorface.
Games
Thisoneissimple:thrillseekingchildrenprefergamesthatinvolvethethreatofinjury.
ClubTag
Thiswasagreatgamewhichcombinedallofthebestaspectsofhuntingyourfriendsthroughalleys
andbackyards,plusclubbingthemtomakethem"it,"whichprovidedsomeadditionalmotivationnottobe
found;Imean,youcanhideforhoursinadoghouseinthebackyardofacompletestrangerifthe
alternativeisgettingwhompedonwithsticksandbats.Theproblemwasthat,accordingtotherules,the
onlywaytogetthehuntersoffyourbackwastoclimbthisonereallyhighfenceatschool.(Itwasagainst
therulestokeepitguarded.)Thatgatewasatthemainschoolentrance,andtherewasonlyaverynarrow
clearancebetweenthetopofthatgateandthehallwayceiling.Thesooneryougottherethebetter,because
ifyouwaitedtoolong,thewholeneighborhoodhadbeencaughtandtheywerealloutlookingforyou.
Cars
67
TackletheGiant
Weplayedthisgamewithateenagerfromnextdoorwhowouldbabysituseverynowandagain.The
ideawasthatJeffandIweresupposedtopummelthepissoutofhiminanattempttodraghimtothe
ground.
Ah,whatagame.
LizardMan
Mydadusedtochaseusaroundthehousewhilemakingthisparticularlybizarreface.Thesheerterror
ofbeingcaughtwasgreat.
JumponJeff'sStomach
Jeffinsiststhatthiswasn'treallyagame.
DiggingHoles
Diggingbigholesinthebackyardwasjustafunthingtodoinandofitself,butitbecameagame
when,forexample,wetoreupthewholeplacewhiletracinggopherholes.Weshotwaterdownthemto
makethepathseasiertofollow,andthegroundeasiertotearup.Asthewholebackhalfoftheyardturned
intoamudpit,thatnaturallyturnedintoaverysloppywar.Itwasgreatfununtilmymomcameoutandlet
usknowthatwepaidforwater,thenturnedaroundandwentinside.
Aargh.Guilt,guilt,andmoreguilt.It'snottheriskofphysicalinjurythatyouhavetoworryabout
sometimes.
ToolsandGadgets
Mymom'sdadusedtoadvisemetoonlyusetherighttoolforthejob.Asrulesgo,thatoneispretty
good,butitturnedouttobeamuchrightertoolforhislifethanformine.
Yousee,hecollectedanamazingvarietyoftoolsfromwhichtochoose,andhewasalsoworkingon
jobs(suchashighsteel)thatmadethe"right"toolsreadilyavailableonthejobsitewhenheneededthem.(If
you'rebuildingaskyscraperandyourpneumatichammerbreaksdown,it'snotlikeyou'regoingtohunt
aroundforanalternativeor"wrong"tooltosecuretheremainingrivets;you'rejustgoingtofindadifferent
riveter.Orifthecompressorisshot,you'renotgoingtorunovertotheparkandswipetheblowerfroma
bouncycastle.)Hepursuedalifethatwassymbioticwithconventionaltool-jobrelationships,andthe"right
tool"ruleservedhimwell.Thethingis,I'vealsobeentoldabouthowmanyaccidents(particularlyhead
injuries)hesurvived,somaybethatrulewastheonlywaythathecouldgetatleastsomecontroloverthe
situation.Allthatsaid,sometimeshewentaheadandmadethetoolthatheneeded.AllIreallyknowisthat
bythetimeIknewhim,hewasveryparticularabouttheright-toolrule.
NowIshouldalsotellyouabitaboutmydad'sdad(whowrotethePrologue),theonewhohada
machineshop,apatentforanalternativecarburetor,andahousethathebuiltonhisown.[Note5]Hisrule
was,"Getalotwhileyou'reyoung."(Realestate,yougoon.Healsousedtoturnhisupperplateupsidedown.Comedygold,Itellyou.Unfortunately,hepassedawaywhenIwasjustakid.)Mydadtellsastory
aboutdrivinghimaroundtoshowoffacardespiteaknownbug,namely:ifyoutookacornerathigh
speed,thedistributorcapcouldpopoff,politelycausingyoutorolltoastopsoyoucouldmoreeasilyget
TackletheGiant
68
outandhookitbackup.Whenmydadwenttore-cap,hesawthatthegraphitepininthecenter(wherethe
coilwiremeetstherotor)hadfallenoutsomewherebackalongtheroad.Thatlittlecarbonpartisnot
somethingthatyou'relikelytobeabletoseeifyouretracethepathalongwhichyoucoasted.Buthisdad
justwalkedupanddowntheshoulderabit,foundadiscardedflashlightbattery,whittleddowna
replacementpinfromthegraphiterodthatwasinside,andofftheywent.(Therighttoolforthatjobwould
havebeenthepenknife.)[Note6]
Mymom'smom(Ishouldcontinue)didn'tgivemetooladviceassuch.Don'tgetmewrong,shewas
alsomechanicallysavvy,but(a)sheknewshecouldleavethatsortofthingtoherparticularhusband,and
(b)herstylewasmorealongthelinesofwanderingupwhileIwaswashingthedishesafterschooland
saying(casually,ofcourse,asifthetopicwereaproposofnothingatall),"Youknow,Irememberbackwhen
Iworkedasadishwasher.Onedaytheowneroftherestaurantcomplimentedmeforalsowashingthebacks
oftheplates.Itoldhim,'Ofcourse,thebacksgetdirtytoo.'"Andthenshewouldwanderoffagain,getting
readytostartthevacuumjustassoonasIwasdonedryingthedishes(havingmadesuretowashthebacks
justincaseshechecked...whichwasallthemoreannoyingbecauseIhadbeenwashingthebacksalready).
AndnomatterhowIvariedtheroomvacuumingpattern,Iwassomehowalwaysdonejustintimetokeep
herfromstartingtofoldthelaundry.Now,inhermind,shewasnotonlysavingmymomfromhavingtodo
thosechoreswhenshegothomefromwork(noble),butalsokeepingmefromgrowinguptobethelazyassedbastardthatIsolongedtobe(nobull).HerplanworkedwellenoughthatIhavelittlesympathywhen
mysongroansundertheonerousburdenofbeingaskedtogooutandgetthemail...annually.AndIstilldo
myfairshareofthedishes.(Andlaundry.Andsoon.Asitshouldbe.Asmyinnerdilettantehassomeone
rollinhisgraveforhim.)
Inevergottoknowmydad'smombecauseshepassedawaywhilehewasincollege;however,Iknow
thatshewasatailorwhoownedandoperatedadressshop,soshemusthavebeentool-and-designinclined
aswell.Iknowthatsheelopedwithmygrandfatheragainsthermother'sprotests,whichculminatedinan
old-fashioned,peasantItalianuppercutwhenhermomfinallymettheinterloper.Inmyfamily,thatstoryis
entitled,"POW!(youson-in-law)."AndIknowthatsheusedtocookeggplant,butonlybecauseIhearthat
mygrampawoulddaringlyrescuemyfatherbysneakingitoffofhisplate.SoIdon'tknowwhatsortof
tool-useadviceshemighthavegivenme,butIcanappreciateherruggédindividuality.
Inlightofallofthis,Icanonlythinkthatmyparentsgotcaughtinthepost-Depressionwhite-collar
drift.Theyarehandy/craftyanddomakestuff,theyaredefinitelydesign-inclined,andmydadaccusesmy
momofchronicallyhavingmultiplehome-changingprojectsinplay(whichistrue),butit'snotlikewe
ownedaconstructioncompanyoranything.(Albeitmydad'svisionatonepointwasafamily-owned-andoperatedPostalInstantPress.)Butwhateveritwas,itplayedintoJeffandIhavingahomerepairbusiness
(forawhile,atleast).
Anyway,incontrasttothestabilityoftheright-toolrule,"broadadaptation"isadefinitivepartof
childhoodexploration,includingexperimentingwiththetoolitselftofigureoutwhatitcouldorshouldbe
for.Youcan'talwaystelljustbylookingatit,butguessingisawholeloteasierwhenyouarefamiliarwith
whateveritisthatthetoolissupposedtobeusedon.Forexample,lotsofmedicalinstruments(andtorture
implements)lookfairlymysteriousuntilyouknowwhattheinsidesofabodyarelike.
InmycurrentjobasanAssistiveTechnologyPro,Iusuallyfindmyselfhavingtoimprovisebecause(a)
muchofmyworkisitinerant(awayfrommyshop),(b)folksdon'ttendtotellmeeverythingthattheyneed
metodobeforeIgetallthewayintotheclassroom,and(c)Idon'twanttohaularoundawholetrunkful
(andthenbackful)oftoolsandmaterials.Italmostalwaysworksoutgreat,buteverynowandagainI
experienceregret,andhavenoonetoblamebutmyself.Andtothink,itonlytookmeafewshortdecades
tofigureoutthatthisistheperfectjobforme:tinkerer.
Solet'stalkaboutafewspecifictools.
BoxCutter
BoxCutter
69
Theplugonthemicrophoneformystudent'spersonalFMsystemneededtobereplacedquickly.Iran
outtoalocalelectronicsstoreandpickedupthematerials,butIdidn'thappentohavemytoolswithme,
andIwastoolazytodrivethe2.5milestomyworkshop.(Forthoseofyouwhopreferkilometers,that's2.5
miles.)SoIwassittinginmycarintheschoolparkinglot,usingaboxcutteroutofmyroadsiderepairkit
tostripsomewires,whenIwasstartledbyasoccerballbouncingoffmywindshieldrightinfrontofmy
face.Ihadslicedopenmyleftthumbfromtherightcornerofthenailtothejoint,soIheldthegashclosed
withpressurefrommyleftmiddleandringfingerswhilefoldingastackoftissuestouseasabandage,then
IwrappedthethumbandhelditinmyclosedfistanddrovemyselftoUrgentCare.Oneoftheworstparts
aboutalacerationiswhenthewoundgetscleanedout,becauseitgetstreatedratherroughly,andto
prepareforgettingstitchesyougetshotsinthewound.AndwhileIamokayduringtheemergencyitself,as
soonasIhaveachancetorelaxandimaginewhat'sgoingon(usuallybecauseI'mloungingaroundthe
waitingroom),myBIIphobiakicksinandIhavetotrynottopassout.Thatmakesgettingstitcheskindof
tricky.
(There'sanotherboxcutterstorythatIputinthepreviouschapterbecauseitisoneofthefewgood
examplesIhaveofathighwound.)
Hammer
Thissectionontoolswouldfeelpeculiarlyemptywithoutatleastabriefmentionofthehammer,
universalfinger-masherthatitis.AndI'vetalkedpreviouslyabouthammersinregardtowhatbodypartgot
hurt(suchaswhenmygrandfather'steethgotcrunched,orJeffclawedmeinthehead).Butotherthanusing
ittomakesparksanddetonatecaps,itjustdidn'tseemtobeago-totoolforexperimentationwhenIwasa
kid.Iwasataker-aparter,notacrusher-opener.
Zipper
Isazipperatool?Well,(a)itkeepsyourclothesclosed,and(b)ithospitalizesseveralmeneveryday.
(Hopefullynotthesameseveralmen.)Iamnotmakingupthatfrequency.I'veheardafewguystellstories
aboutthisgrislyevent,andunlikejustabouteveryotherinjuryinthisbookthisistheonlyonewhereI
thinkthattheymightbetooembarrassedtohavemerevealtheirnames.Ineachcase,theseguyswerelittle
kidswhenithappened,sotheywerestillgettingthehangofit(sotospeak),andtheywererescuedbya
parentwhosimplygotthekidcalm(-er,anyway)andthensuddenlyyankedthezipperbackdownagain.So
itdisturbsmetohearnotonlythattherearegrownmenwhomanagetogetthemselvesstuck(because
they'reintoomuchofahurry,orwhat?),butthattheycanonlyremedythesituationbyresortingtoaPRF
(ProfessionalReleaseFacility).Whichmeansthattherearesomeevengreaternumberofgrownmenwhodo
thistothemselvesand,becausetheytakecareofitontheirown,don'tgetcountedinthestatistics.Ihave
noideawhetheranyonehasevermanagedtoinjurethemselveslikethiswithabuttonfly.
AndIferventlyhopeandpraythatIhavenottemptedFatejustbywritingaboutit.
KitchenTools
Onecommonkitchentoolinjuryisgratingaknuckleortwo,butoneoftheverymostpopularisslicing
yourselfwhenpreparingfoods(ifofcourseyoudon'tcountburningyourselfonblisteringlyhottoolssuchas
therangeburner,ovenrack,broilerpan,wok,waffleiron,potlid,andsoon).
MyfriendMarkwasinthekitchenpreparinghimselfasnack,andhehadnosoonerskeptically
respondedtomysuggestionbysaying,"Bagelslicer?Whoneedsabagelslicer?"thanhelaceratedhimself.
Webrieflydiscussedwhetherornotthatcountedasirony,gothimcleanedup,figuredthatthecutprobably
coulduseacoupleofstitches,anddrovehimovertoUrgentCare.Whileweweresittingthere(andIwas
gettingallrelaxedandthereforewoozy),aguywhohadfallenthroughaplateglasswindowwasdraggedin
Hammer
70
byacoupleofhisfriends.Hewasreasonablywellbloodcovered,soIleanedovertoMark,sottovoce,"Ifyou
gobacktherenow,thedoctorisgoingtotakeonelookatyourcutandsay,'Youbigbaby!'"Heagreedand
wesplittogobuya"holdthecutedgestogether"typeofbandage.Tothisday,havingsurvivedtheordeal,
herituallyspitsonanynotionofusingabagelslicer(orotherbagelholdertool).
Andgiventhatdinnerwarecountsastools,weshouldtakeintoaccountalloftheinjuriesthatoccur
whenwashingdishes;forexample,twiceI'vecutmyselfbytryingtowashtheinsideof(whatturnedoutto
be)aflimsyglass,andIknowsomeonewhomanagedthesamethingastheendresultofbeingfascinated
byhowtheglassdeformedwhenhesqueezedit.Thereareindustrialversionsofthissortofinjury,of
course,suchaswhenmydadcuthishandwhilewashingscientificglasswareforapetroleumcompany.
AndthentherearethestoriesIhear(andwishIhadn't)aboutgarbagedisposalinjuries.Justasa
generalrule,you'dthinkthatpeopleshouldknowenoughnottousetheireminentlyshred-ablehandsto
unstickanywhirlingsetofspecificallysharpthings.Theyshouldknowthatunstickingastucksomethingwill
makeitstart,usuallywiththeunstickerstillintheway...atleastforamoment.
Andofcoursethere'sthetimethatIabsentmindedlyalmostelectrocutedmyselfwhilefixingamotor
onamixer.ButImustadmitthat'salotdifferentthangettinghurtwhileusingatoolforsomethingmuch
morelikeitsintendedpurpose,suchasthemore-than-onepersonwhohascuttheirtonguebylickingthe
beaterswhilethey'restillonthemachine...andturning.
Animals
JeffandIconstitutedatwo-personanimalsearch-and-rescueteam,constantly"followed"homebyall
mannerofstrays.Therewereanumberofbirds,lotsofdogs(butnotcatssomuch),atleastoneraccoon,
andaTupperwarecontainer(thankyouEarlTupper)inwhichwehadroundedupsomebabySonora
scorpions.(Whenwegotbackfromourtripandmydadfoundoutwehadthese,hetippedthemontothe
drivewaytostompthem,informingusthatthesmalleronesarethedeadliest.)Tothisday,whenlifejustso
happenstoworkoutthatI'mhelpingtorescueastraythatmeanderedacrossmypath,Ifeellikeit'sasign
thatmylifeisontherighttrack.
Yougetlotsofminorcutsandscrapesandsoonwhenyou'reworkingwithanimals,andthere'sthe
occasionalmoreseriousaccident,butonlyveryrarelyhasananimaldeliberatelyhurtme,andeveninthose
coupleofcasesthewoundwasnotreallysignificant.That'smysafetyrecordevenafterhavingworkedwith
wildandexoticanimals.
Thatpartofmyplaceintheworldisimportanttome,andIdon'twantittochange.Partofthat
desirecomesfromwantingtopreservethecomfortingsenseofculturalcontinuity:Icomefromalineof
animalloversandbreedersandtrainers.Asinpalmreading,however,thatlineisonlysometimes
conventionalandstable,formingadeepcrease.(Mymomwasraisedinherfolks'Cockerkennel.Theywon
manyawards,andoneoftheirdogsmadethecoverofLife.Themagazine,notthecereal.)Atothertimes
thatlineisunusualandchanging,butitstillhelpstomakeapattern,likean'M'orastarorsomething.(My
dad'sdadhadacarnivaltentfeaturing,"TheWorld'sBiggestAlligatorheretoday."Mymomtellsastory
abouthavingtochangemydiapersinit,withtheheatandtheflies,presumablyfromtheprominentreptile.)
Growingup,IassumedthatIwouldbeaveterinarian.Iwatchedalltherightshows,readalltheright
books,met(notall)therightfolks,andattended(twoof)therightschools,onlytolearnwhenIwasa
sophomorethat(a)mypeculiarrelationshipwithchemistrywasgoingtogetintheway,and(b)myBII
phobiawasnottemperingevenwithcontinuedexposuretovetsurgery.
So,yeah,havingawaywithanimalsisabigdealtome,andIdon'thaveawholelotofstoriesabout
myownpersonalinjuriesbecausethisisanareaof"MysteriousSympathy"forme.
Animals
71
SeaLions
Jeffwasskindivingwhenasealionpokeditsheadoutfromthekelp.Youknowhowyouholdoutyour
handforadogtosniff?Well,hedidexactlythat,purelyoutoffamilyreflex,andthesealionbumpedhis
handwithhisnose,asifsniffing.Now,whyasealionwouldseemtosniffunderwater,Idon'tknow.Maybe
italsohasfamilyreflexes.Thenagain,maybeitwaslookingforfish.Anyway,whenJeffrelatedthestory
aboutthereflextoanotherdiver,theguyjustresponded,"Yeah,Iknow,"whileholdinguphisthreefingeredhand.It'sevidentlynotuncommonforfolkstogetbittenseverelywhiletreatingsealsandsealions
likedomesticpets.
Whichmeansthatthereareverylikelyallsortsofstoriesoutthereaboutpeoplebeingwoundedby
sealife.Sure,Ioccasionallycomeacrossthatmaterialinthemedia(e.g.,bitbyashark,stungbyajellyfish,
jabbedbyarockfish,brokenbyanorca,andsoon),butIdon'thangoutwiththekindofcrowdthatwould
tendtotellmethosestoriesinperson,soIhavenothingtoretellhere.
Lions
OnceIgotlockedinanenclosurewithalion(becauseitseemsthatsometimesvolunteersdon'tget
addedtothesafetyheadcount):
LION:Wanderingoverwithintentnonchalance,occasionallyflehming,"Areyoufoe,friend,
orfood?"
ME:Irubhisearsandscratchhistummy.
LION:"Oh...wow.WhatwasIsaying?Nevermind."
Alion'smane(inparticular)hasayellowish-orangeoilinitthatIfindunpleasant(maybejustbecauseI'm
notalioness),butthere'snowaytokeepitoffofyourfingersifyou'regoingtobepettingthem.AndIdon't
knowiflionsinthewildhavethatsameoil,orjusttheonesthatliveinclosequartersanddon'tgetbathed.
Itmightbetheremainsofscentmarking.[Note7]
Bytheway,whilelioncubslookallsoft,theirfurisrough.(Thesamegoesfortigercubsandsoon.)
ThisisprobablyagoodplacetomentionthatIhavealove-haterelationshipwithzoos,circuses,
carnivals,andotheranimalvenues.AsBabaDioumsaid(in1968totheInternationalUnionforthe
ConservationofNature),"Intheend,wewillconserveonlywhatwelove,wewillloveonlywhatwe
understand,andwewillunderstandonlywhatwearetaught."So,inlightofthatparticularphilosophy,
whenafacilitytreatsitschargesaskindlyaspossibleunderthecircumstances,thenIcanrationalizethe
immediateneedwhilestillwantingtodecreasethenecessityitself.
Tigers
OnetimeIwasplayfullywrestlingwithacoupleoftigers.(Bigcatsaremyfavorite.)Onewaslying
acrossmybody,andsuddenlytheotherrolledoverclockwisewhilewrappedaroundmyrightfoot.They
weighedover500poundsapiece,andIwasstillprobablyonlyabout140(and,crucially,notabigol'tiger),
soitwasmyanklemeatthatgaveway.Imadeanoise(firstwithmyankle,andthenwithmymouth),the
tigerwascontrite,andeventhoughthatwasdecadesago,myfootstillsticksoutabittotheside.
Justincaseyou'recurious,tigerpisssmellsalotlotlotlot(lot)likeammonia.
Bears
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72
Justincaseyou'realsowondering,theworstkindofdungtodealwith(IMHO)isbear.Thatsmellcan
nauseatemelikenoother.Istronglyprefernottoworkwithbearsbecausewhiletheycanbetrained,they
can'tbetamed;thatistosay,theycan'tbetrainedtolikepeople;however,Ifoundoutthattheydoliketiny
breathmints.[Note8]
Polarbearsarehugeandfrighteninglyfast.Iwasworkingwithaguywhowashosingdownacageand
playingagamewiththebear.Hewouldholdthenozzleuptothechain-link,andthebearwouldrushthe
fenceandputitsdinner-plate-sizedpawupthere,sprayingwatereverywhere.Thebearwanderedoff,
seemingtotireofthisgame,sotheguyactuallyputthenozzleintothecagejustabit.Onewhiteblurlater
andthebearwashaulingthehoseintothecagepaw-over-paw,withsuchforcethatitbrokeoffatthe
spigot.That,astheysay,wastheendofthat.
Thecagesatthiszoo(almost40yearsago)usedtobecinderblockandchain-linkwithacement
walkwayrunningalonginfront,plusawaist-highpipeguardrail(curvedatthetoptoaimawayfromthe
cage)beyondthattokeepthepublicback.Thepolarbear'scagewasattheendofonerow,nexttooneof
thegatesthatledintotheback.Iwasstandingontheguardrail,holdingontothebackgate,andthepolar
bearwouldstandupwithitsbacktothecagefencetogetsomescratching.Iwasdoingthistodemonstrate
toaschooltourjusthowtallthebearwas.Iwasfacingthecage(soasnottotakemyeyesoffofthebear
whileIwastouchingit),andIheardfrombehindme,"Son...son...,"anditwasinfactmydad.Now,my
folksnevervisitedmeatthezoo,untilofcourseIwasdoingsomethingthatlookeddangeroustothem.I
climbeddown,andhecontinued,"Son,Ihaveclearlybeenafailureasafather.Itaughtyoutotakeajacket
soyouwon'tgetcold.Itaughtyoutopeebeforeyougo.ButIforgottoteachyounottopetthepolarbears."
AllIcouldsaywas,"AlrightDad,Igetit,veryfunny,"butthat'sneverenoughtostopthesarcasm(asmy
ownchildrenhavelearned,muchtotheirdismay..."Tradition!"singsTevye,andIshakemymanlyshimmy).
Leopards
Iwasshowingagroupofkidsaroundthezoo,andtheblackleopardwasrestingitspawontheback
ofmyhand(becauseitcouldgetitspawthroughthecageanditenjoyedabitofcompany).Thiswasa
formerpet,andquitetame.Aflashphotostartledit,however,anditextendeditsclaws,jabbingmeinthe
Hegupoint.Itjustwriggleditsclawlooseandtookoffbackintothecage.Sothatwasjustanaccident.
Oneofmyco-workershadascarjustaboutthelengthofhisforearm.Thegatesinthebacksofthe
cagesweremadeofchain-linkandpipe,andtheywouldopenandclosewithpulleysrollingonawallmountedframe.Hewenttoslideadooropentoletthecatsoutintothefront,whichrequiresgrabbinga
handleneartheedgeofthefencebythecinderblockwall,andaleopard(nottheblacktameone)gotits
pawandforelegaroundthatedge.Injuryensued.Theyendedupweldinginanotherpipetoclosethegap.
Iwasstandingnexttothissameguyoneday,outinthepublicarea,whenhesuddenlystartedtearing
off;naturally,Iranoffafterhim.Hehadseenayoungmanwithhiscoatsleevewrappedaroundhisarm,
flippingtherestofthejacketattheleopardcage.Justastheleopardsnaggedthecoatandstartedtoreel
theboyinovertheguardrail,hegothisarmsaroundhiswaist.Igrabbedontoactasanotheranchor,and
wewereabletoholdtheboylongenoughthathecouldgethisarmloose.Butthecoatwasagoner.Better
thatthanhisthroat.
ApesandMonkeys
Lookingback,I'veneverhadaproblemwith(non-human)apesormonkeys,which,allthings
considered,isprobablyjustaswellbecausemonkeyscancausesomereallynastywounds,andapescanjust
out-and-outmaimandkilltheheckoutofyou.
MyfirstmonkeymemoryisfromwhenIwasabout6,seeinganorgangrinder'scapuchinatKnott's
BerryFarmrunoverandgrabpenniesoutofJeff'spocket.Themonkeyhadastutelyobservedthatthisis
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73
whereJeffkeptgettingthem.Afterthat,IonlyhadsporadicmonkeycontactuntilIstartedworkingatthe
zoo.(Dang.NowI'mintriguedbythenotionofsporadicmonkeys.)[Note9]
TherewasablondegibbonnamedMaxinewhoengagedinself-abusivebehavior(bitingherarmand
pulling/peelingbacktheskin),butshequicklycalmeddownwheneversheclungtome,grabbingontomy
sheepskinjacket.Now,ifIbegantotalkwithsomeone,shewouldstartinwiththecharacteristicgibbonous
whooping,butotherwiseshewasjustquiet,lookingaroundatpeoplewanderingby.Thethingis,wegot
Maxinefromafamousnationalzoo(whereincomparison,Micke'sGrovewasthesmallestaccredited
Americanzooatthetime),andtheirpeopleinsistedthatshemusthavestartedbitingherselfduringthe
traintrip.MonthsafterIleft,Ireadarecently-publishedbookthattalkedaboutlifeinthatbigzoo,andit
happenedtomentionablondegibbonwhowouldbiteherarm.Samename,samegibbon.Sothisfamous
zoohadgifteduswithapsychologicallydisturbedapewhomtheydidn'twanttotakecareofanymore,then
liedaboutherbeinghealthywhenshelefttheircare.Andtherewasnothingtobedoneaboutitexceptto
begladthatshewasnowwithpeoplewhowantedher.
So,let'smoveontobiggerprimates.
Peopledon'tseemtorealizehowbigachimpanzeetendstobe.Anadultmalemightbewelloverfive
feettall,andweighinataround150pounds.Andwhilethecomparisonisn'tstraightforward,it'snotwrong
tosayinageneralwaythatachimpanzeeisaroundfourtimesasstrongasahuman.Sothisisnotlike
somebonoboonBJandtheBear,wheresomeoneiscarryingalittleapeontheirhip;thisisananimalthat
could,incontrast,easilycarryyouontheirhip.So,ifyouhappentoseeonecozyuptoafenceandevertits
lipsthroughthechain-link,don'tputyourfingerinitsmouth.And,funnyyoushouldhappentobringitup,
butyes,Ididinfactworkwithsomeonewhodidpreciselythat.Andyes,itwasrightafterItoldhimnotto.
Hisstupidityprizewasgettingthefleshstrippedofftheendofhisfinger,mostlybecausehegotstartledand
yankedhishandback.Ifhe'dhavebeenpatient,thatparticularchimpwouldveryprobablyhavejustletgo.
Okay,IadmitthatIaminnoposition(yogaplow)tobejudgmentalaboutstupidity.Thatsamechimp
wouldrestwithhisbackagainstthefencetogetitscratched.IfIscratchedhimupbyhisshoulder,you'd
seehisfingersslowlystarttoreachoverfromthefront.AndifImovedovertoscratchhisside,hisfingers
wouldpullbackfromhisshoulderandstartreachingaroundthatside.Maybehewasjusttryingtotouch
myfingers,Idon'tknow,butIdidn'twanttoriskgettingmyhandcaughtinwhatmightbeafewhundred
pounds'worthofgripstrength.
I'lltalkalotmoreaboutapesinalaterchapter("OrangutanPrecognition"),butI'dliketotakea
minutetoaddressthephysicalityofsomeoftheircommunication.Sometimesyou'llseealittlegorilla
rompingaroundapatientsilverback,andifthatlittleonegetstoopesty,theadultwillgrandlyandfluidly
bowlthemover.It'snotaggressive,butitisveryauthoritativeandphysical,representingaclearmeaning
(i.e.,"all-donepatience").Iseethatsamekindofphysicalityintheearlystagesofcommunication
development,andthatcanoccurwithadelay(i.e.,atlaterages)forsomeofthestudentswithwhomIwork.
Ittakesexperience(bothgeneralandindividual)tounderstandwhensuchaperson'soverhandswatbears
(a)anactualaggressiveintenttohurtyou,andwheninstead(b)theyaretryingtocommunicatesomeother
meaninginanenergeticphysicalmode.Youwanttocommunicatewiththatpersonusingaphysical
modalitythattheyhavesomehopeofunderstanding,whilenothavingyourgesturesbemisinterpretedas
aggressionbyotherobservers,especiallywhensomeofthemareotherstudentswhohavecompromised
cognition.(Soifyoufindyourselfinthatsituation,bestofluck.)Keepinmindthattheseareareasinwhich
Ihavesomeamountofactualexpertise,soI'mnotjustpullingtheseopinionsoutofmyear.Notinthis
paragraph,anyway.
Rats
AsIsteppedintoalargeturtleenclosuretorakeitout,myfootfallcollapsedatunnel.That
unexpecteddropthrewmeoffbalance,andeachfurtherstepcollapsedevenmoreground.Behindme,a
plagueofratswereshakingoffsandysoilandrunningaway.Nobigsurprise,Isuppose,thattheplacehad
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74
turnedintoaratwarren,giventhatthesoilwaseasytodigin,dry,warm,oftengotshoweredinvegetables,
andlastbutnotleast,wasinhabitedbyrodent-obliviousturtlesinsteadofmusophagicpredators.Thatwas
arealmesstogetstraightenedout.
Andthere'snothingquitelikereachingintoacoveredtubofbirdfoodonlytohavearatsuddenlyrun
upyourarm,leapoffyourshoulder,andscuttledownadrain.Unlessofcourseit'stworats.
Iusedtohavearatskullinmycollection,andthedriedbrainwouldrattlearoundinside.Ifounditby
therailroadtracksinEscalononthewayuptovisitmymom'sfolksinSonora.Therewereanumberofrat
skeletonsscatteredaround,andsomeonetoldmethatitwasprobablyduetopoisonssprayedaroundthe
trackstokeeptheweedsdownandsuch.So,probablynotpartofanalienconspiracy,althoughthatwould
beagreatplaceforthemtohidethemutilatedbodies.(Although,whenyouthinkaboutit,maybethat's
whytrainshavecowcatchers,which,incaseyou'recurious,arecalledpilots.So,theplotthickens,muchlike
mywaistline.)
CreekAnimals
AsImentioned,welivedinacitywithanumberofexcellentcreeks,sothatgaveusgoodexposureto
allofthatsortofwildlife:guppies,catfish,crayfish,bluegills,frogs(tadpoles),turtles,andsoon.Whenthe
creekswouldstarttorundry,poolswouldremainbehindtomakecatchingthesemucheasier(urbantidepooling),althoughyoudidhavetowatchoutforfishhooks,glassshards,jaggedmetalbits,andother
garbageinthemud.(Myfolksmorethangottheirmoney'sworthoutofthosetetanusboosters.)Andwhile
catfishhaveahollowdorsalraythatcanstickyouprettygood(andinsomespeciesisvenomous,although
rarelydeadly),andit'snofuntobepinchedbyacrayfishorbittenbyaturtle,forthemostpartthese
animalsareallharmless.Otherthantheseasnake,Californiahasnovenomouswatersnakes,sothatwas
neverathreateither.
Thismeansthatallofmystoriesalongtheselinesarerelativelybland,suchascatchingacoupleof
buckets'worthoftadpoleswithCarl(whohasknownmesincekindergarten),onlytohavethemalldieinhis
garage(likelybecausetheoxygenranout).Orthere'stheoneaboutwatchingmygrampaslamacatfish's
headontoanailstickingupfromatwo-by-foursohecouldprepitoutinthegarage.Orfindingacrayfish
thathadaballofeggsheldunderitstail.Orusingmarineadhesivetohelpaturtlewithacrackedshell.
(I'veheardthatyoucanalsousedentureadhesivesimilarly,whichmaybehassomethingtodowithone
brandbeingcalledSeabond.)Inanswertoyourquestion,yes,frogssometimesdopeeonyouwhenyou're
holdingthem.IalsoremembercottonmouthsinNorthCarolina,leopardfrogsinWaterloo,andincreasing
numbersofnutriainvariouslocations.Sotheexplorationsheredidnotresultinentertaininginjury,but
playedwelltosatisfyingcuriosity.
Reptiles
Despiteauspiciousbeginnings(i.e.,thediaper-changingthinginmygrampa'salligatortent),Ihaven't
hadawholelottodowithreptiles.I'vefoundloadsofthem,suchasskinkswhenmovingawoodpile,or
bluebelliesandgartersnakesallovertheplace,butthere'snorealstorythere.
OneexceptionwaswhenIwasplayingwithayellowlab,hidingdownonallfoursandromping
throughsomereallyhigh,drygrass.Ichargedthroughtoarustlingsoundinfrontofmeandsurpriseda
rattlesnake.Itwasn'tcoiled,soIdidn'tgetaparticularlynastybite,justasmallnickonmycollarbone.Istill
havearattlefromasnakethatmygrampakilledupinSonora,wherethey'refairlycommon,butmostly
whatIsawuptherewerejustkingsnakes.
IncollegeafewofusdroveuptoLakeBerryessajustforadayout,stoppingatapartofPutahCreek
wherethewaterwasrunningfairlylow.Oneoftheguys(fromHawai'i)askedwhattodoifhesawasnake.I
said,"Well,justsaysomethingsignificant,like,"Snake!Snake!"Soheimmediatelysaid,"Snake!Snake!"I
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75
rewardedhiseagerrenditionwith,"Yes,perfect,justlikethat.""NO!"hesaid,pointingatascalywriggler
withrepeatedvigor,"SNAKE!SNAKE!"WhichInaturallythoughtwashilarious.(Idon'tusethatwordvery
often;thewhippersnappersseemtobeusingitasasynonymfor"funny."It'sanaturalprocessofword
inflation.)IforgetwhichpersonIhandedthesnaketo,butIremembertheygotcloaca-ed.Wetookithome,
boughtamousetofeedit,butitwasn'tinterestedineating,sowereleasedthesnakeinaremoteplaceand
gavethemousetoayoungwomanwhoaccepteditasapet.Wenamedit"Artos"(NTGreek)because(a)he
lookedlikealittleloafofbread,and(b)itsoundedlikethenameofam(o)usketeer.Unfortunately,Ithink
thatArtosmighthavediedofearmites(whichisevidentlynotanuncommonproblemamongmicesoldfor
food).
InsectsandArachnids
WhenIwasonlyaboutthree-to-fouryearsold,welivedinanareaofnewconstructionwithalarge
fieldbehindourhouse.(Icouldclimboverthefenceintothefield,butnotgetbackbecausetherailswere
allontheinside.)Theproblemwasthattheworkwaschasingso-calledverminintothehouse,andthetraps
thatmyparentssetwerecatchingbigspidersasoftenasmice.Isawonesuchspideronthefrontporch,
andIrecallitlookingprettybigtoakidmysize.[Note10]
I'dplayatpartoftheconstructionsitedownthestreetwithsomeotherkidsandthrowsmall
grasshoppersintotheblackwidowwebsjusttowatchthemcomeout.WhenIwasabouteight,Iwatched
mygrampatorchsomeblackwidowsthatwerelivingunderthebackstairsattheirSonorahouse.Skip
aheadtomyearlytwenties,andIwasdisturbedtofindthatmybarefeethadchasedablackwidowoutof
thetoespaceunderabathroomcabinetinmyfriends'Tustintownhouse(soIsquasheditwithaplungerand
thenwentouttotheirgaragetosubjectafewmoretotraumaticcompressionwithabigol'trashcan).
Iknowthatsomespiderbitesareextremelynasty(likethatofthebrownrecluse),butIdon'tknow
anyonepersonallywhohasexperiencedthatsortofnecrotizingdamage.I'veonlyeverhadsmallerspider
bites(frompokingaroundinatticsandcrawlspacesandsuch),andthosearebadenoughasitis.AndIcan't
rememberasingletimethatIwashappytofindoutthatIhadcrushedaspideronmypillowwithmyface.
Beeandwaspstingsareaverycommonsourceofstories(particularlywhenassociatedwithallergies),
andtheyseemtobemostamusingtotheunstungobservers,especiallyifthevictimgotstunginthebuttor
something.(Idonotenvynaturistsinthisregard.)Myself,I'vebeenluckyinthatI'veonlybeenbeestunga
coupleoftimesorso,oncebybarefootsteppinginthepark,andoncewhenmygrampaswattedoneonmy
head.
SanDiegowasthefirstplaceIlivedwherecockroacheswereanissue.Iputdownastickyboxtrap,
butinthemorningIcouldn'tstandthesoundofscrabblinginside.Ifelttoobadforthembeingstuckand
justwaitingtodie,soIstoppedusingit.Icaughtabigoneinthekitchenandreleasedit,thencaught
anotherthenextdaylikewise,andonthethirddayIpaintedagreenstripeonitjusttoseeifitwasthe
sameonethatkeptcomingback.Itwas.Thenoneday,whenapotholderfellbehindthestove,Ifoundout
thattherewasnofloorbehindit;theholderjustdroppedthroughabigrectangulargapstraightdowninto
thecrawlspace.Ithinkthat'swherethesnakemusthavecomefrom.SoIendedupcoveringthatholejust
forgoodmeasure,andtheroach(andsnake)problemprettymuchwentaway.
Birds
Inmylife,Ihaven'thadnearlyasmuchtodowithbirdsaswithothertypesofanimals;nevertheless,I
wasabletodredgeupsomematerial,butnothingreallyfromchildhood.
Inhighschool,myfriendHowardandIwerewalkingouttothefootballfieldtopracticesome
swashbuckling.(Wehadbeentakingfencingclassesatthecommunitycollege,partlyinrelationtoour
interestinthelocalchapteroftheSocietyforCreativeAnachronism.)Iwastellinghimaboutmyfamily's
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76
oddrelationshipwithanimals,gettingasomewhatskepticalresponse(whichwasnotsounusual,considering
whataliarIusedtobe),whenacockatielsuddenlydecidedtolandonme.That'sjusthowmylifegoes
(whichpeoplealsodon'tbelieve,atleastnotuntiltheylivewithmeforawhile).
AtthezooIlearnedthatwhenIwenttocleantheowlcage,Ishouldopenthedoor,waitamoment
whiletheowlstriedtopoop-bombme,andthenstepinandcleanthecage.(Again,Iamtellingyouthese
storiesnotfortheiruniversal,timeless,thrill-a-minutevalue,butbecausetheyinformourexperienceof
interpersonalrelationshipsaswegetolder.Youmightbeanowl,ormaybeyouwillfindyourselfdating
one.)
ThejuvenilevulturesattheRaptorRehabilitationCenterwouldstandonmyfeet,ridinglegliftsup
anddownwhilepullingonmyshoelaces.ThentherewasthetimethatIbackedintoanemptycageonlyto
hearanunexpectedbarnowlSCREEEECHbehindme;itturnsoutthatthewhole"bloodrunningcold"
thingisnotjustafigureofspeech.Therewasalotmorecagecleaning,ofcourse,includingtheleftoveryolk
thatcameoutofthe(dead)chicksthatwereusedasfeed.That'swhenIrealizedthattheyolkiswhatthe
embryofeedsonduringdevelopment,andwhatitlikelycontinuestouseafterhatching,atleastinpartuntil
itrunsout.Iwasn'tabletoeateggsforalongtimeafterthat.
So,wheredoesthissupplyofchickscomefrom?Well,oneHalloween(1981)Idroveapickupouttoan
eggfarmtoreceivealoadofthem.Thefarmonlyneedsafewroosters,yousee,sothesexerstossthemale
chicksintobiggarbagecans.Asthecansfillup,thechicksonthebottomsuffocate,thentheytipthatcan
upside-downintoanotheronetosuffocatetherest.Itookthecansandpouredthemintothebackofthe
truckonflats,covered(andweighteddown)withpanelsofdryice.TheSacramentoZoowouldstorethem
intheirfreezerinexchangeforpartoftheload.Thethingis,fiveofthechicksrevivedonthewayoutto
thezoo.Ididn'tknowwhatelsetodowiththem,soIputthemintheglovecompartmentwithsomegloves
(whatelse)tokeepthemwarmandoutfromunderfoot.WhenIgotbacktotheCenter,thedirectortoldme
thattheyweremyproblem,soItuckedthemintomysweatshirtandwalkedthembacktomyoff-campus
dorm.PeoplewerehappytogetthemwiththeirHalloweencandy;afterall,inanag/vetcollegetown,folks
havelotsofanimalsingeneralplusatypicalpets(e.g.,three-leggeddogs,pigsinwheelchairs,andsoon).I
keptonechickforashortwhile(namedMacbeth,justincaseheturnedouttobeaLady),buthediedof
whatIsuspectwasbraindamage.(Mine,ifnothis,despitemymostconscientiousefforts.)
Forwhatit'sworth,myfavoritebirdsarecorvids.Theblackones.
Fish
Idon'tthinkthiscountsasirony,butIdon'treallyhaveanygoodliteralfishstories(otherthanthe
catfishmentionedabove).Forme,allpetfisharejustanexperimenttoseehowlongthey'lllivewithregular
care.
Dogs
Writingaboutallofmydogstoriesisjusttoodauntingatasktoface,andI'msureitwouldgetboring
foryou,solikeaderangedcoloristI'lljusthitsomehighlights.
ForalongtimewehadaShepherd-LabmixnamedScooter,andwhileIdohavestoriesabouthim,
noneofthemreallyinvolvethrillseeking(exceptfortheonethatmakesupmuchofthenextchapter).The
rathergeneralexceptionmightbeourgettinghimtochaseusaroundandplayserioustug-of-warwithour
clothes(notaparent-pleasingactivity),wheretherewereinsideandoutsideversionsofthisgame.Theway
thatourhousewassetup,youcouldrunlapsthatwent:kitchen,entryhall,livingroom,diningroom,then
kitchenagain.ThekitchenhadaslicklinoleumfloorthatScooterdidnotoftentrytorunacrossbecauseof
thefutileclickety-clacking.(Itseemslikevethospitalsaresetupinthissamewaytohelppreventescapes.)
Sowecouldgethimtochaseus,andthenwhenhewouldreversedirectionatoneendofthekitchen(torun
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77
backandcatchuscomingouttheotherend),wewouldreversedirectioninthekitchentoavoidbeing
caught.Theexcitementcameinwith"sacrificingthebrother."Whenreversingdirectionsinthekitchen,the
oneinfrontbecametheoneinback,andiftheoneinfrontsloweddownjustenough,sometimesScooter
couldbeenticedtoactuallytrytomakethekitchenrun,grabbingontothepantlegofthehinderbrother
andtakinghimdown.Theoutsideversionwasinthebackyard,whichhadafrontpart(lawn)separated
fromabackpart(usuallydirt,sometimesvegetablegarden,andinoneinstanceamudpit)byawallofivy
growingoveralongwoodenfence.Forwhateverreason,Scooterpreferredtotearbackandforthalongthe
lawnratherthantendtogoaroundtheends,andwecouldneverbequitesurewhetherhe'dhavefollowed
usorbewaitingforustocorner.Soagain,sacrificingthebrotherwasacrucialtactic.
RangerwasaveryintimidatingGermanShepherdwhowouldguardthezoogroundsatnight.Having
workedthereforonlyacoupleofweekends,Ididn'tknowthattheyevenhadadog,muchlessoneon
patrol.So,onemorningwhenIshowedupbeforeanyoneelsedidand(naturally)climbedthegatetostart
working,Iwasabsolutelynotexpectingtoseeaviciousdogchargingatme.MaybeitwasbecauseIdidn't
trytoescape,butwejustendedupplayingforawhile,thenhefollowedmearoundwhileIstartedhosing
downwaste.Whenacoworkerfinallyarrivedtounlockthegate(andRangertoreovertobarksavagelyat
him),heseemedpuzzled(andperhapsdisappointed)thatIwasn'tinthe"bittentrespasser"category,and
wassomewhatannoyedthatIwasequallypuzzledbyhispuzzlement.Youknow,sometimesIseeadriver
performingaparticularlyrecklessmaneuverandthinktomyselfthattheyhaveprobablyneverbeenina
seriousenoughaccidenttotrulyunderstandwhatthatfeelslike.Thecarbuffersthemfromsomuchofthe
sensationoftheroadthattheyaren'tgettingthefeedbackneededtotriggermorecautiousbehavior.Some
peoplehavesaidsimilarthingstomeabouthowIhaveledashelteredlifebynothavingbeenoccasionally
torntobloodybitsbyananimal.
Mydadeventuallysettledintobeingresignedtothenumberofanimalsthatwouldfollowushome,
butIthinkthathedidn'tentirelybelievethatweweren'tdraggingthem.Thenhecamehomefromwork
onedayandsaid,"Boys,couldyougivemeahandouthere?"HehadseenaViszlacavortingintraffic,so
hestoppedthecartoletthedogclimbin.Wegavehimjusttherightamountofshitforhavingbeena
doubter.
Itjusthappens.
Cats
Wedidn'thavecatswhenIwasgrowingup,andinfactwedidn'thaveanypermanentmammalpets
untilIwasabouttenyearsold(otherthanared-hairedguineapignamedFluffy).Ithinkthatweweren't
"notgettingacat"somuchaswewere"waitingtogetadog,"whichIthinkwasdependentonsuchthings
asoursettlingintoahousewhereweknewweweregoingtostayforawhile,andJeffandIbecomingmore
helpthanhindrancewithapet(especiallyconsideringhowmuchworkthetwoofusalreadyrepresentedfor
ourparents).
WhichmeansthatIdon'thaveverymanycatstories.Yes,therearenowplentyofvideospostedofa
cattakingill-consideredrisks,butthestoriesthatIhearfrompeopleeithertendtobeho-hum(whichIhave
readcostsextra),ortheyfallintothe"animalabuse"category.Thoseareverydisturbingtohearwhenkids
aretellingthematschool,andilltreatmentofanimalsisabigredflagforchildrenandsocieties.Youknow
that'salinethatI'mnevergoingtocross;I'mnevergoingtoputananimalatriskoutofcuriosityorfor
otherthrillseekingpursuits(Idon'tevenallowanimalsinthecarwithoutacarrierorharness),andIdon't
likestorieswhereanimalsgethurt.(Iclearlyhavenoproblemwithstoriesofhumananimalsgettinghurt
whenit'stheirowndamnfault.)So,becauseIdidn'tgrowuparoundacat,Ihavelittleexperiencewiththe
predicamentsthattheygetthemselvesintowithouthumanhelp,butI'llgiveyouwhatlittleI'vegot.
Iwaslivingwithawomanwhosecat(Sidney,aRagdollmix)refusedtohaveherkittensunlessshe
couldhavethemdirectlyintomyhands(first-timemother).IfIstartedtowalkawayfromthebox,she
wouldgetagitatedandtrytofollowme,butifIcameandsatbytheboxandthenputmyhandsout,she
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78
wouldlaybackandstarttodeliver.ThiswasthesamecatwhomImentionedinthepreviouschapterin
regardstocrotchinjuries.
Therewasalsothatonetimethatmyfamilycamehomeand,uponinvestigatingapitifulmewing,we
foundPesto(aBurmeseso-namedbymydaughterduetohispestiness)danglingbyhiscollarbehindthe
fridge,wherehehadslidafterjumpingupontopfromthecounter(asevidencedbyscatteredtop-of-thefridgestuff).
AndIthinkthat'sit.You'lljusthavetorelyoninternetvideos,stand-upcomedyroutines,syndicated
comicstrips,andgreetingcardsforyourcatfix.
VehiclesandSpeed
Themainproblemwiththrillseekinginvehiclesisnotthespeeditself,butratherthesuddenlackofit;
themoreyouachieve,thegreatertheimpactattheloss.Thereareallsortsofchildhoodstoriesaroundsuch
eventsasstoppingarunawaybikebycrashingintoafenceoraparkedcar,brakingadownhillskateagainst
asignpole,skateboardseparationsplats,andthenofcoursethenumeroussleddingandskiinginjuries
whereIfinditdifficulttounderstandwhysomeonewouldn'tratherditchintothesnowthanrunintoatree.
There'sprobablyaverygoodreasonforthatchoice,but,asanon-skiermyself,Ihavenoideawhatitis.(By
theway,askiliftcountsasavehicleforthepurposesof"fallingoff"stories.)Isupposethatpartofthe
reasonisthatfewpeoplecrasheitherseverelyenoughtoanticipatetherealrisks,oroftenenough(other
thanstuntorracingprofessionals,ormayberollerderbyathletes)tobeinapositiontotraintheirreflexes
totryforthelesstraumaticdecelerationoptions.
Someofthosestoriescanbeentertainingbecausethevictimsdon'tgethurttoobadly,anditisfunto
hearthemrecreatetheirpanicandexcitement;however,astheystarttogetpastchildhood,peopletendto
moveontomorepowerfulvehicles,whetherengine-powered(e.g.,motorcycles,cars,planes,rockets,boats,
trains,jetpacks,andsoon)ornot(i.e.,hanggliders,parachutes,hot-airballoons,bobsleds,andwingsuits).
Inthatsense,vehiclessuchasATVsandmini-bikesarelikeadolescentgatewaydrugs.Asinallother
pursuits,themostdangerouspartofthelearningcurveiswhenadriverknowsenoughtofeelcompetent
andcomfortable(andsoletstheirguarddowntorelysomewhatonautomaticity),buthasyettounderstand
howmuchtheyhavelefttolearn.Ifthey'relucky(oratypicallyattentive),they'llNietszchethroughbefore
theirhobbygetsallDarwinontheirass.
I'mnotfondofmostdriving-for-thrills-sakestoriesbecause(unliketalesaboutskatinginjuriesandso
on)high-riskdrivingcanhurtpeoplebeyondtheactualidiotbehindthewheel.Thinkingmoreaboutthat
revealedarulethatIdidn'tknowIhad,whichisthatmytolerance(andevenpursuit)ofthrillseekingisvery
(OliverWendell)Holmesian,inthatIdon'tthinkit'srightformetoendangerotherpeople'snoses(respective
andcollective)withmyriskyarmswinging.Yes,therewereplentyoftimeswhenIputotherpeopleatrisk,
butthatwasbecauseIwastoostupidtoaccuratelytaketheirwell-beingintoaccountinmyriskassessment,
notbecauseIwastooself-centeredtocarewhathappenedtothematall.Agoodvehicularexampleofthat
isrelatedinthestoryentitled,"TheBridgeofHisNose."
Inanyevent,whenyoudolosecontrolofyourvehicleyoutendtoaimwhereyou'relooking,whichis
whysomanycrashestendtoendupagainstafeatureinthelandscaperatherthancareeringoffintosome
relativelysafeflatplace.Soifyoufindyourselfgoingofftheroad(itistobehopedratherthanoutovera
clifforsomething),dragyoureyesawayfromthetree(orutilitypole,firehydrant,farmer'smarket,house,
pedestrian,armadillo,andsoon)andstareatsomerelativelyblankareaofthefieldorsidewalkor
whatever.
Anddon'ttakeyourhandsoffthetiller.Toomanyofthesestoriesdealwithakidarcingheavilyinto
thegroundafterreleasingthehandlebarsandhittingarock(pole,mime,pothole,marmot,crackinthe
VehiclesandSpeed
79
sidewalk,root,pieceofcheese...younameit).Anditgetsnobetterwithadvancingdriverage.The
exceptionmightbewhenyou'reflyingoffofyourbikeanyway,andyouletgosothatitdoesn'tlandonyou.
[Note11]
Here'sonethatwasn'tmyfault,atleastnotasadriver.Wehaddrivenouttoanoakgrovetoloadthe
backofadumptruckwithsomebranchesthathadfallenoffinabigstorm,thenclimbedupintothebed
forthedrivebacktothezoo.(Weweregoingtoputthebranchesintotheprimatecagestogivethem
somethingmoretodo.)Thenotionwasthatwewouldn'tfalloutofthetruckbedbecausewewerestanding
inamongthebranches.Aproblemarosebecausethetailgatewasdown,whichmeantthatwewould
probablybesweptoutontotheroad(ormaybeonlybeimpaledbyfragments)asthemassiveoncoming
truckclippedthebranchesthatwerehangingoverintoitslane.Ratherthaneitherofthetrucksslowing
down,thedriversjustblewtheirhornsateachother,whichofcourseaddedtothefrenziedairaswetried
towrestlethebrancheshighenoughthattheywouldn'tgetsmacked.Justintimewegotthemproppedup
enoughtoclear,butnotbymuch.
Sometimestheneedforspeedisaccomplishedaunaturel.Well,sansvehicleanyway.Mygrandparents'
houseinSonorawasbuiltonaslope,andoutbytheroadthequartz-studdedredclaywasexposed.Itfelt
greattorundownthathillasfastasyoucouldgo(or,asJeffpreferstocallit,"ballsout,"whichisoneof
thosefigurativephrasesthatdoesnotbearupwelltoliteralscrutiny,atleastnotintermsofuncomfortable
mentalimagery).Theideawastoflingyourfeetoutinfrontofyouasfastasyoucouldinadesperate
attemptnottofall,becauseifyoudid,thengravitywouldobliginglyshredyourkneesandelbowsalongthe
quartz.(Soyeah,anyactual"ballsout"-nesswouldhaveexceededevenmychildhoodassessmentsofrisk.)
Ofcourse,therearealsonon-speedvehiclestories,suchaswhenmygrandmotherdrovemeouttothe
zooearlyonemorningthroughthethicktulefog(wherevisibilityquicklyswirlsfromnothingtoafew
hundredfeetandthenbackagain).Isatonthehoodofhersedantosnoopoutoncomingtrafficsoshe
couldmakea(relatively)safeleft-handturnacross8MileRoad(withoutslidingmeontotheasphalt).She
knewaboutcars,havingbeenoneofthefirstwomeninCaliforniatoowna(non-residential)garage,butmy
grandfatherhaddonemostofthedrivingovertheyears,soIsuspectthatshemighthavebeenoperating
withoutdatedsensibilitiesaboutcontemporarycarperformanceandsoon,andIwasnotyetoldenoughto
legallydrive,soIdidn'tknowenoughtoprotest.EvenhadIknownbetter,Iwouldn'thavebeeninclinedto
turndownafunridelikethat.
Food
Asakid,ifIwereeatingatafriend'shouseI'dtakewhatevertheyofferedme,nomatterifitwere
lotusroot,gefiltefish,bloodsausage,tripe,tongue,orcannedtomatosoupmadewithsomemilkinit.(Such
astrangefoodcustom.)Iateraccoonthatmymomprepared(withrice)fromacarcassgiventoherbythe
dadofmyfriendBertram(oftheaforementionedlotusrootandtomatosoup).[Note12]Mycollege
roommatespersuadedmetoeatfoodsthatwerewelloutsideofmyculturalken,suchasthousandyearegg
(whichIactuallyenjoyedina"onceortwiceinalifetime"kindofaway),pickledduck'sfeet(whichappeals
tomyinnerperiosteumstripper),andchickengizzardsandhearts(whichprovedtobeagoodTV-watching
snack).Theyevengotmetotrytheoccasionaldelicacythatwasnotpoultrybased,suchasboiledspleen,
butIhadtostopindismayasthefirstbitedecayedinmymouth.AndofcourseI'veeatenallsortsofother
unfamiliardishesatrestaurants,andpickedupvariousoddtreatsatlocal"ethnic"markets,butInever
knowhowauthenticanyofthatreallyis.SoIliketotakesomeriskswithfoods,butIdefinitelyhavelimits.
Forexample,Ibalkatfoodslikeeggplant(andanyotherrepresentativesofthecorpsefoodgroup),
crustaceansintheshell(asthecrunchingexoskeletongivesmesympathypains),andmolluscs(forbothof
thosereasons).TheonlytimethatIcanrememberactuallygaggingwhileeatingwaswhenabiteofcheese
cutletturnedouttobeeggplantparmesan,whichwouldhavemorehonestlyandmercifullybeenadvertised
Food
80
as,"rottenzombiesnotglobwithrindandseeds."[Note13]Somefolkshavetriedstrenuouslytoconvince
methateggplantisdeliciousifproperlyprepared(althoughwhytheiremotionalinvestmentinmy
conversion,Ihavenoidea),butIhavestrongreservationsaboutthewhole"properlyprepared"thing.Their
assertionisnodoubttrue,butasmyfriendDavesays,thatpreparation(inourcase)wouldhavetoinvolve
oneparteggplantperbillionpartsicecream.Andyes,Ienjoyothertypesofsquash,sothisisnotsome
formofcucurbitophobiarearingitsunattractivehead.
AndtheonlycontextinwhichIwouldevereatbalutisifthatweretheonlywaytosavethelifeofa
lovedone.
Whenyouaddupallofthatsortofexperience,itstillmeansthatIhaven'ttriedhardlyanythingatall
inthewideworldoffoods,notgivenalloftheingredientsanddishesthatIseelistedintheweirdfood
blogs.WhichmeansthatwhileIhaveeatensomethingsthatarenotpartofmyculturalcore,I'mreallynot
a"putjustanythinginmymouth"risktaker.
Thatsaid,growingupIwasalwaysmildlyhackingfamiliarrecipes,suchasaddinginstantpotato
flakesandcheesetoramen(whichmeltsintoamassthathasadmirable"shovelfactor"),spicingup
cinnamon-sugarsandwicheswithmustard,orlayeringmarshmallowsandslicedcheeseonpb&j.Ihaven't
madesomeofmychildhoodrecipesinages(whichisjustaswell),butcurrytunasandwichesarestilla
favorite.Andsofar,nomatterhowfarI'vegonewitharecipe,Ihaveyettobarfmyselfwithanyofmy
creations.
ChurDonuts
Whencollegevacationsrolledaround,myfriendDouglikedtocelebrate(inpart)bygettingacouple
dozenmixeddonuts.Onetimeweweremakingourselections,andtheexchangewiththecounteroperator
wentlikethis:
ME:"...plustwoofthechocolateoldfashioned,andwhatkindarethose?"
DONUTGUY:"Chur."
ME:"What?"
DONUTGUY:"CHURRR."
ME:"Okaaay...we'lltaketwo."
WhichmadeperfectsensetomesinceitfitmyexplorativeLifePhilosophy[Note14](anditwasn'tlikeIwas
goingtomakeanyfurtherheadwaywithmymiserableSpanishanyway),butitstruckDougasfit-of-giggles
funny.But,Imean,whatwastherisk?Atworstallthatwouldhappenisthatwewouldfindoutthatwe
werenotfondof"chur."(Itturnedoutthatchurwasaperfectlygoodthingtoputonadonut.)
Inlookingback,theguymighthavebeentryingtosaysugar.Idon'tknowifthat'strue,butitdoes
makemewonderwheretheword"churro"comesfrom.ItmightberelatedtotheSpanishuseoftheword
"churro"tomean"coarse,"becausetheoutsideofthepastryisrough.Thereisalsosomeopportunityfor
folketymologyheresince"churro"isacolloquialismfor"attractive."
TheSevenDayHairyLunch
Whenmydadwasayoungman,heandhisbestfriendJimweretakingalongbustripbackeasttodo
somestockcarracing.Hisadvicebasedonthatexperienceisasfollows:ifyouhavepotatosaladremaining
aspartofthepackedfoodtowardstheendofyourjourney,waituntilitislightenoughtoseeitbeforeyou
eatit,justincaseitneedsashave.
RhubarbSalad
ChurDonuts
81
Tothedegreethatnoteveryoneknowsthis(asprovenbythefactthatthisstoryexists),Ithinkthatit
isimportanttomentionitonemoretimehere:donoteatrhubarbleaves.Theyarepoison(oxalicacid).My
brother'sfriendoncemadeupacoupleofgreatsaladsfromsomegreensthathefoundinourfridgeand
broughtoneouttoJeffsotheycouldhavelunchbythecommunitypool.Fortunately,thisguywasthetype
ofpersonwhotendednottoputstuffback,somymomnoticedtherhubarbonthecounterwhenshegot
homeandwasabletogetthembothtothehospital.Incaseyoudon'tknowwhatrhubarblookslike,
imagineverybigcelerywithredstalksanddeepgreenleaves.Incaseyoudoknowwhatrhubarblookslike,
imaginebeingimmenselyrichandhappy.(Youmightaswellhavesomesortofrewardforbeingsosmart.)
Thethingis,thereareallsortsofinterestingfruitsandvegetablesoutthere,andit'sfuntobe
spontaneouslyadventurous,butitpaystodoatleastalittlebitofhomework.Eventhecommonpotatocan
beplottingagainstyou:nevereatanypartthathasturnedgreen,evenifyoucookit.(Youcaneattherest
afteryou'veremovedthegreenparts.)Ifyouplantouseredkidneybeansorlimabeansthatareraw,read
upwellonthemfirst,becausejustafewcankillyou(andnotjustfromthelimabeanflavor).I'veheardthat
rawquincecanbetoxic,butIdon'tknowaboutthatforsure.
BeingWhereYou'reNotSupposedtoBe
Thoroughlypokingaroundyourenvironmentisoneofthepurestformsofexploration,andavital
partofthrillseeking.Thereareallsortsoftroublethatyoucangetintojustbybeingwhereyou'renot
supposedtobe(withoutgettingallexistentialand"MeaningofLife"-yaboutBeingwhereyou'renot
supposedtoBe).Asdescribedatthetopofthischapter,yougowhereyou'renotsupposedtogosoyoucan
learnsomethingthatyouwouldn'totherwisehavehadtheopportunitytoknow.
IhavealwayswantedtogoonestepfurtherthanIamallowed(andfromtheretakejustonemore),and
infact"notbeingallowed"isoftentheverythingthatmakesmewanttogothatfarinthefirstplace.I've
takenjobsjusttofindoutwhatwasbehindthe"EmployeesOnly"door,andcomputergamecheatsthatlet
youwalkthroughwallsintoweirddevelopmentareasandsoonaremyabsolutefavorite.Ilovetoursthat
arerunbehindthescenesofanywhere,whichistrueofenoughotherpeoplethatDisneylandcanchargea
premiumforasimplewalkthroughtheirutilidors.Butthatisnotenoughforme:evenifI'mtouringaplace
thatisalreadyfascinatingattheallowedlevelofaccess,whatIreallywanttoseeisintheclosets,cupboards,
utilitypanels,andallofthoseothermundane-but-hiddenplaces.Iwouldn'thavestolenFizzyLiftingDrinks
(eveniftheyareamazing)orsoldoffmygobstopper,butIdefinitelywouldhavewantedtoseewhatwas
downtheOompaLoompatunnelsacrossthechocolateriverinthecandygarden.Iwouldwanttoseewhat
Wonkakeptinhisdesk,particularlyhisjunkdrawer.[Note15]
Climbing,Jumping,andFalling
Itcanbehardfiguringoutwheretoputclimbingstories.Thereareonesaboutclimbingatreeand
gettingstuck(orotherwisebeingafraidtocomedown),butthenthere'softenanotherpartaboutfalling
(especiallyifthebranchbreaks)andgettingbludgeoned,broken,speared,andthelike.Rock-climbing
storiesaresimilar,butunliketreestheydon'ttendtobebuiltlikenaturalladders,soI'veheardmanymore
treestoriesaboutakidwhoworkedthemselvesincrementallywayupoutoftheirleaguethanIhaverock
storiesofachildfindingthemselvespartwayupHalfDome(orhalfwayupPartDome).Thegreater
likelihoodwiththatkindofstoryisthattheywillbepartwayupordownacliff(wheretherocksarelike
naturalstairs,ortheystartedatthetopandslipped),oftenwithatidecomingin.
Climbingfencesisdifferentinacoupleofimportantways.Firstofall,ifyou'reclimbingatree,you're
usuallyjusttryingtogettoanotherpartofthattree(unlessyou'retryingtogetontoabalconyor
something);incontrast,ifyou'reclimbingafence,it'susuallynottolookaroundfromthetopofthatfence.
(TheGreatWallofChinamightbeanexception.)Youclimbittogettoaplaceontheotherside.Secondof
all,fenceclimbingcanleadtobodyparts,clothing,and/orfashionaccessoriesgettinghookedonthechainBeingWhereYou'reNotSupposedtoBe
82
linkatthetop(whichisbadenoughifyougetstuck,andmorethoroughlybadifyoudon'trealizeitbefore
youtrytojumpdown),anditonlygetsworseifthefenceistoppedwithspikes,spikestrips,orvarioustypes
ofpokeyandslashywires.Andthenelectrified.
ButoneofthefunthingsIusedtodoasakidwasclimbontotheroofofthehouseandjumpoffonto
thelawn.ThatlasteduntilIgotheavyenoughthatgravitycreatedakicked-in-the-groinfeelingupon
impact.Andexposuretothatkindofactivitycanleadtoparachuting,whichisinawholeothercategoryof
risktaking.
Askidswealsousedtoclimbontotheroofatschool,mostlyjusttopokearound,butsometimeswe
wouldfindsportsequipmentandotherinterestingstuffupthere.Youwantedtomakesurenottotrip
becausetheroofwascoveredintetrahedralgravelthatwouldembeditselfinyourelbows.OnceIclimbed
uptheresoIcouldjumpdownbetweentwoportablesandgetanerrantbasketball,onlyithadn'toccurred
tomethatIwasgoingthatroutepreciselybecausetheendsofthatspacehadbeenfencedwithagrilleto
keepuskidsoutofthere,andonceinsideIwasn'tabletogetbackout.I'mstillintheretothisday.
I'mgoingtotakealateralstephereandtalkaboutplayinghookey,sincewe'reonthetopicofschool
andbeingwhereyou'renotsupposedtobe.ItookofffromschoolrightafterrecesswithRickyforno
reasonotherthanmutualbadinfluence.Acoupleofsixth-gradeyarddutyhelperstriedtostopus,butI
don'tthinkthattheyreallyhadtheirheartsinit.Wewentovertothecreekandpark,thenheadedtomy
housetojustsortofhangaroundandtalkaboutthefeelingoffreedom.ThenInoticedthatIhadlostmy
glasses,andthefeelingofbeingintroublesetin,notbecauseofcutting,butbecauseofthecosttoreplace
them.Fortunately,myretiredfourth-gradeteacherlivedinahousethatbackedontothecreekandshesaw
usgoofingaround,sosheknewwhoseglassesshefoundonherwalkandreturnedthemtotheschoolwitha
note.Similarly,afriendtoldmeabouthismomaskinghimforaschoolprojectthathehadlostalongthe
waywhilecutting.Generallyspeaking,myadviceisnottoleaveatrailofevidence.
Swimming
Goinganyplacewhereyouaremassivelyinsignificantcanendupbeingabadidea,butadmittedlyyou
onlyhavejustsomuchcontroloverthissituation;inotherwords,whileyoucan'thelpbeingsomewherein
theuniverse,swimmingoutintotheoceanisachoice.Therearepredatorsmanytimesyoursizewithvastly
greaternumbersofimmenselysharperteeth,sharprockstogetcrushedagainst,poisonousfishtostepon,
andriptides.Sothatwhole"thinkingtwice"thingmightserveyouwellhere.
Thenagain,youcanalsogetintroubleinaregularoldpool.BeforeIhadlearnedhowtoswim,Iwas
bobbingalongwheretheshallowssuddenlyslopedintothedeepend,andIfoundmyselfhavingtopushup
fromthebottomoverandoverjusttobreathewhileatthesametimetryinggargleoutacryforhelpwhile
wavingmyarmsabout.Ifonlyitwereeasierforthepoolsidecrowdtodifferentiateearnestdrowning
(rememberhim?)fromadesperatebidforattention.Andthiswasatafamilygathering,sotheadultswere
moreinterestedintalkingwitheachotherthanwatchingoutforthekidsinthepool.Fortunately,mymom
noticedmyplightandwasabletohaulmeout.
MaximalZish
Sometimesbeingwhereyou'renotsupposedtobeisnotjustamatterofwhere,butwhen.
Ihaddonesomefilmingwithsomefriendsinanoldoakgroveforahighschoolproject,andhad
droppedbackbythefollowingweekendtopickupsomeofthepropsthatwehadleftbehind.Itwasn't
threateningtorainoranything,butIslowlyfoundmyselfstrugglingpainfullyandverymuzzilytositup
fromlyingflatonmyback,withnoreliablememoryofwhatIhadbeendoingjustbeforethat.I'mnotsure
exactlywhathappenednext,butIhaveavaguememoryofhavingtorollontomyfronttopushmyselfup.
TheproblemisthatIdon'tknowifthat'sreallywhatIdid,orifthatmemorywasjustmybrainmakingup
Swimming
83
plausiblestuffformeasItriedtomakesenseoutofwhathappenedinthedaystocome.It'slikemy
memoryoftheflash,whereIdon'tknowifmybrainisjustaddingthatformybenefit.
I'vesincereaddescriptionsbypeoplewhohavebeenhitbylightning,butnoneofitreallymatches
whatIfelt.Mostly,Ijustdon'trememberasmuchastheydoaboutit.Iwasn'tinimmensepain(butIstung
allover),andIwasn'trunningaroundallampedupandterrified(orlyingthereburned,broken,or
paralyzed,whichisgoodbecauseIwasfarawayfrompeople).Iwasjusttryingtoshakethefuzzymental
feeling(whichIhate),tryingtopullmyselftogetherandfigureoutifIneededhelp.Idon'tknowhowlongit
tookmetocollectmyself,butitwasprobablynotevenafullhouroframpinguptofunctionreasonablywell
andhavesomerealthoughtsaboutwhathappened.Idoremembertryingtofigureoutifthereweregoing
tobeastorm(therewasn't),andlookingatametal-tippedwoodenpropspearandwonderingifIhad
pickeditupandbeenstruck.ButIcouldn'thavebeenhitthatdirectly,orI'dhavebeenhorriblyinjuredor
dead.AndwhileIhadn'tbeenunderatree,therewereplentyaround,somaybeIjustgotaperipheralzish.
Someofthemhadbeenpreviouslyblasted,butIwasn'tgoingtobeabletorecognizefreshdamageevenifI
gotcloser,andIcertainlywasn'tgoingtowalkoverthereandriskgettings'mored.
Somaybethereisanotherexplanation(likeaverystrangeseizureorsomething),butI'mprettysure
thatIconductedsomeamountofzappage.GoodthingIwasn'touttherewavingOccam'sRazorovermy
head.
BridgesandSewers
Stocktonisbuiltonadelta,sotherearesloughsandleveeswoveninwiththeroads,whichtranslates
intolotsofbridges.WhenIwasinthesix-to-eightrange(andJefftwo-and-a-halfyearsyounger),"underthe
bridge"wasagoodplacetoplaywhenthewaterwaslowinMosherSlough,andtherewasareallygood
bridgeonthewayto(orfrom)LochLomondPark.Thedownside,ofcourse,wasthatyoucouldgetstuckin
themud(whichwouldbebadiftheyreleasedabunchofwaterwhileyoucouldn'tgetout),oryoucould
losetrackoftimeintheperpetualtwilight.MymomonceherdedJeffhomewithashingle-paddling(well,he
wasscrambling,andshewouldcatchupeverycoupleofstrideswithawhack)becausehehadn'tnoticedit
gettingdarkbeyondthefreaking-out-with-worrycurfew,whichwasmadealltheworsebecauseit'shardto
hearyournamebeingcalledwhenyou'reunderthebridge.
FivemileSloughrunsalongthenorthsideofSwensonPark,headingeastunderAlexandriaPlace
throughapipe.Welivedjustdownthestreetfrommid-fourthgradeon,andwhenwewereplayinginthe
creekwewouldsometimesjustcrawlthroughthatpipe.SwensonParkhadagolfcourse,whichwasanother
placeweweren'tsupposedtobe,butwecouldclimbthefenceorwadearoundtheendthatprojectedinto
thecreekandspendanafternoonwhackingafewballsaround.
I'mnolongerfondofcrawlingthroughsewers,underhouses,intoattics,andthatsortofthing.Itwas
differentwhenIwasmuchyounger,smaller,andstupider.NowifIhavetoclimbaroundinatightspace,I
worryaboutgettingstuck,slimed,bitten,andallsortsofotherstuffthatIwouldrathernotget.
WhenateacherinoneofKate'shighschoolclassesaskedeachstudenttovolunteeradistinguishing
characteristic,shenotedthatshehadvisitedthesewersofsixdifferentmythicalworlds.(Thatcountsas
beingwhereyou'renotsupposedtobe.)
TheVeil
Mysticismisanothertypeofpokingaround(nomattermyaudience'spersonalperspectiveonits
realness).You'redevelopingafairlydirect,personalrelationshipwithoneormoresupernaturalentities,and
thatcanbeassociatedwithasenseofwhatexistsbehindTheVeilthathangsbetweenusandthem.
Iusedtobeacardreader,butIgaveitupbecauseIcametobelievethatitisatalentthatpeople
shouldlearntodevelopfortheirownbenefit,whichtheyarefarlesslikelytodoifIletthemrelyonmefor
BridgesandSewers
84
thatfunction.Idon'tthinkthatIshouldbestandingbetweenthemandthatdirectexperience.
Therearetwocommonexplanationsforwhycardreadingworks(aswellasothersystemslikeit):
Supernatural:Inthisversion,therearesupernaturalentities(let'ssay"spirits")whousethecardsto
giveusanswerstoourquestions.Ifyouweretoattendatrulysupernaturalreading,andifthatreadingwere
influencedbyaspiritwhoactuallyhadyourbestinterestsatheart(whichispreytothesamesortof
dynamicsaslearningtotrustnaturalentities),thenthereaderwouldbeabletogiveyouananswertoyour
questionthatwasclearlyapplicabletoyourproblem(whereyouwouldhavetodeterminewhetherornot
youtrustedthereaderaswell).Butthereshouldbenogoodreasonthatthespiritcouldn'teither
communicatemoredirectlywithyouthroughyourowncards,orthroughotherdivinitoryitems,orjust
throughsomesortoffeelings(i.e.,thoughts,emotions,orothersensations).
Natural:Ourwayofthinking/feelingaboutthingsbecomeslimitedbyvarioustypesoflearned
helplessness.Wecanbelievethatwe'relookingallthewaypastthehorizon,wheninfactallwe'reseeingis
thelipofthebowlfromthebottom.Welosesightofthefactthatthereisaworldoutsideofthebowl,and
theonlywayforustogetovertheedgeistoaddenergytooursystemandreallyshakethingsupuntilwe
flyupoverthelip.Butbecausewe'resufferingfromthehelplesslimitation,we'renotlikelytobeabletosee
whatweneedtodotoaccomplishthatenergizing.Weneedanoutsidesourceofinspiration.Weneeda
chaoticstorygenerationmachine,thatistosay,somethingthatwillpresentatalethatisrandomwhilestill
remainingastory;thatistosay,itdoesn'tmatterwhatcharacterplaysaparticularrole,buttheredoneed
tobecharactersandroles,atleasttobeginwith,whenyou'relearningtousethesesystems.Cards(asjust
oneexample)createstoriesbyproposingcertainfamiliarroles(suchasaPersonalStrength,oraLandmark
thatshowswhentomakeadecision,andsoon)andfillingthemwithiconiccharacters(suchasBalance,
Change,orStruggle).Acardsystemwithsuitsbasedonschematicverbssuchasbe,do,go,andknow,hasa
designedabilitytocoverabroadrangeofmeanings.Thathelpsthesystemtowanderfarandwidewhen
creatingthestorythatwillhelptobreakyououtofyourrut,whilestillremainingmeaningfulinourworld.
Itwouldtakeawholeadditionalbooktoexplainthatwell(whichIhavestartedandabandonedafewtimes
overacoupleofdecades),butthisshortexplanationgivesyousomeideaofhowthisallworks.Butthe
thoughtthatIwouldliketoleaveyouwithisthis:ifasystemcanbecreatedtoworkwithcards,thenwhy
notwithjustabouteverythingintheworldaroundyou?Thinkofwhatitwouldbeliketobeabletosimply
lookatyourenvironmentwhenyouwantedtofindafreshperspectiveonaproblem,andhaveittellyoua
storytoinspireyoutonewapproaches.ThatiswhyIstoppedreadingcardsforpeople:Ididnotwantto
getinthewayoftheirlearninghowtobeinspiredbyreadingtheworld.
Thereisathird,muchlesscommonexplanationforhowthisallworks,anditisrepresentedbyan
emergentpropertyoftheothertwo,whereweuseournaturaltalentstoreadtheworld,butwealsoenjoy
theinfluenceofpersonalsupernaturalrelationships.Butthatreallywouldrequireitsownbook,and,asI
havesaid,thisisitforme.Nomorebookwriting.
Beingwhereyou're(not)supposedtobe,then,isamatterofbelief.
DoingWhatYou'reNotSupposedtoDo
Idon'thavemuchleftoverforthisverygeneraltopic,sincethevastmajorityofthesestorieshave
alreadybeencategorizedaccordingtosomespecificcomponent,likeinjuryortooltype;inotherwords,you
canstillbeexploringeventhoughyou'renotusingatool,andnooneisgettinghurt.
Fighting
DoingWhatYou'reNotSupposedtoDo
85
JeffandIusedtofightallthetime.Iremembermydadtellingus(whenIwasabouteight)thatwe
weren'tinasmuchtroubleasnormalbecausewedidn'tfightuntilafterlunch.Ithinkthatmorningwas
Jeff'sbirthdayparty,sowehadprobablyjustbeentoobusytonotice.
Andwhilewefoughtalotathome,Mr.Brown(theelementaryschoolprincipal)toldmymomthatJeff
andIweregoingthroughschoolback-to-back.Ididn'tgetintomanyfights,butwhenIdiditwas(tomy
memory,anyway)almostalwaysbecauseJeffwouldpestersomeoneolderandbiggerthanhimself,andthen
they'dcomelookingforme.IrememberwatchingJefflaughinglikeamaniacas"BumpyButt"Bumpus
chasedhimaroundtheplaygroundforgivinghimawetwilly(nottheBritishvariety).
Here'sthetypeofthingthatJeffwoulddo.MymomhiredMark(aUOPgradstudentinmath)to
occupyJeff'stimeonesummer,withthenotionofkeepingthetwoofusoutofeachother'shair.Ijust
happenedtobearoundoneafternoonasJeffwastellingMarkthathewasdemonstratingatrick
combinationlock.MarkstoodthereasJefflockedMark'stwofrontbeltloopstogether,andeventhoughJeff
immediatelytookofflaughing,Markactuallytookacoupleofsecondstoseeifhecouldfigureouthowto
unlockthetricklock.Ithoughtthatwasprettyfunny,Imean,whothinksoflockingsomeone'spantsshut?
Sheergenius.
Sheeping
Somethingelsethatyoushouldn'tbedoingisjustfollowingsomeoneelse'sorderswithoutthinking.
Weweremillingaroundthewaitingroom,havingdroppedoffourvariouscars,whentheservice
personsteppedinandsaid,"Youcanallgomeetthedriveroutside,andtheCourtesyVanwilldropyou
off."
Soweallwanderedoutside.Thevanwasparkedatthecurb,butwhenItriedtoopentheslidingdoor
itwaslocked,aswasthepassengerdoor.Icouldhavewaitedforthedriver,butitwaseasyenoughtowalk
aroundtothedriverside,findthedoorunlocked,thencrawlinandopentheslidingdoorfromtheinside.
Theremaininghalf-a-dozenpeopleclimbedinsidewhileIwalkedaroundthevantogetinatthesidedoor.
ButjustasIwassteppingup,Itookacloserlookatallofthestuffstrewnabout(likethehashpipesandso
on)andsaid,"Youknow,Ithinkthisisjustsomebody'svan."
IfIhadonlykeptmymouthshut,IcouldhavepretendedthatIneededtogobackinsideandget
something,andthenwatchedthroughtheshopwindowforthevan'sownertoshowup.
Summary
NowyouknowwhatImeanbysayingthatexplorationisthepursuitof"oughtnot."
Youarewellfamiliaratthispointwithpeopledoingwhatthey'renotsupposedtodo,togowhere
they'renotsupposedtogo,tobewherethey'renotsupposedtobe,ultimatelytoknowwhatthey'renot
supposedtoknow.
Caseinpoint:yourunderstandingofinterpersonalrelationshipshasgrownmeaningfullyoverthe
courseofthischapter...becauseyouweren'tsupposedtobepayingattentiontothat.
Thechaptersthatfollowallrepresentpracticalapplicationsofthisknowledge,butifthestoriesareas
divertingasthey'reintendedtobe,thenyou'llforgetaboutthat,too,asyougoalong,andlearnsomemore.
You'renowpreparedtodowhatyouneedtodotogothere.
NOTES
Sheeping
86
Note1:Thatsaid,IfindthoughtsofJ.H.Kelloggintrudingunbiddenasanexampleofavariably-mitigated
quack.AndyoumightaswelllookupRalstonismwhenyouhaveachance,sincewe'llbetalkingabout
Purinawhenwegettothesectionaboutanimals.(It'sastrange,massively-interconnectedworld.)
Bytheway,"quack"comesfrom"quacksalver,"whichisanobsoleteDutchterm("kwaksalver,"asalve
hawker)thatissaidtocomefromMiddleDutch"kwaken"(tocroakorbrag)andofcoursefrom"salve"
(ointment).[Back]
Note2:Youprobablyknowthattouchingsomethingacidicwillburn(asyouexposenervestotheair),but
ifyoutouchsomethingverybasic(asin"theoppositeofacidic")anditfeelsslippery,that'syourskin
meltingintosoap(giveortake).Lookup"saponification."[Back]
Note3:Don'tgetmewrong,Ihaveadeep,abidingfondnessforinternetconnectivityandcontent.Ijust
thinkthatit'saverypowerfultool.[Back]
Note4:ThatwasinRioVista,wheremylifechangedforeverwhenIwasintroducedtotheMonteCristo
sandwich.ThebestthatIhavefoundsofarisattheBlueBayouRestaurantatDisneyland.[Back]
Note5:Iknowonlytwostoriesabouthisbuildingthehouse(otherthanthatheevendidthewroughtiron
work).Inone,mygrampawascarryingasheetofdrywallthroughanarrowpassageandtheprevailingwind
caughtitandgothimstuckagainstthehouse.(Hewasnotabigman.)Mydadwaslaughingtoohardathis
predicamenttobeofanyhelp.(Again:ifyoufindyourselfinasituationwhereyouneedhelp,comically
frustratedswearingwillonlyincapacitateyourpotentialsaviors.)Intheother,hewastryingtogradethelot
bydraggingsomesortoflumbercontraptionchainedupbehindatruck,withmymom(pregnantwithme)
sittingonittoaddweight.Thatwasnottherighttoolforgradingtheyard.Fortunately,however,itwasthe
righttoolforelicitingenoughsympathyfromtheneighborwhosawwhatwasgoingonthatheofferedthe
loanofactualgradingequipment.[Back]
Note6:Whileyoucangetsomegreatgraphiterodsoutofthecellsthatareinsideofalanternbattery(just
incaseyouneedtostirmoltenleadorothermetals),youwillnot(contrarytotheYouTubevideos)finda
bunchofAAbatteriesinthere.Somebatteries,however,canbehacked(liketheA23)ifyoujusthappento
needthekindofcellsthatareinside.[Back]
Note7:Avisitinglinguisticsprofessorwashavinguslistthequalitiesofatypicalelephant(duringalecture
onradialcategorization),andIinadvertentlytriggeredaspit-takewhensheaskedwhatImeantby
"retromingent."Musthavebeensomethingaboutthephrase,"Theypissbackwards."(Camels,hippos,
raccoons,andothermembersofthecatfamilybeyondthelionsharethistrait.Well,theydon't"share"itas
such,inthesensethattheyeachhavetheirowncopy.)Thepointisthatyoudon'twanttostandclosetothe
fenceifthelionisbackinguptoyou.
And"flehming"isjustwhereananimal(generallyhoovedanimalsandcatfamilymembers)pullsitsupper
lipoveritsteethtogetmoreairtothechemoreceptiveareaontheroofofitsmouth(i.e.,itsJacobson'sor
vomeronasalorgan).You'llseethis"flehmenresponse"morestronglywithpheromonesthanwithother
odors.[Back]
Note8:Now,themostdangerousdungisprobablythatoftheraccoon.It'sinfestedwithparticularlynasty
parasites,mostnotablyroundworms.Youwanttosteerclearofaraccoonmidden,then,sobecarefulabout
sittingatthebaseofatreeintheforest.Larvaecanremainviableinmoistsoilforyears.
Tocloseoutthistopic,I'lljustmentionthatahippowilltwitchitstailathighspeedtosprayitspoopoutall
overtheplace.It'slikethatfleckedspraypaintthatmencanallegedlyusetodisguiseabaldspot,exceptof
coursethatit'sgreenandcomesoutofahippo'sbutt.(Soundslikeakid'sriddle,"What'sgreenandcomes
outofahippo'sbutt."Nowyouknow.Thankgoodnessyoureadthisbook.)[Back]
Summary
87
Note9:Yes,thereissuchathingas"monkeychow."Actually,thereareallsortsofchowsfromPurinaMills
asidefromthoseforpetsandfarmanimals(albeitsometimesbyaslightlydifferentnamethan"chow"),
includingseveraltypesforwildlife(deer,gamefish,gamebird),andalloftheMazuriproducts(e.g.,bear,
guineapig,camel,crocodile,shark,geldietsformarinemammals,younameit...theyevenhaveCricket
ChowandEarthwormChow).AndsinceLandO'Lakesnowownsthemboth,youcannotonlygetbutterfor
yourkids,butKidMilkReplacerforyourkids.[Back]
Note10:ThisisthesameporchwhereItoldmyfirstjoke.Thepunchlinewas"geranium"(nodoubt
becausetheyweresittinginapotonthatveryporch),andIthoughtitwashilarious.(Actuallyhilarious,
though,notjust"funny-hilarious.")Mymom,peeringdownatmefromthedoorway,wasmyonlyaudience.
[Back]
Note11:Theschoolplaygroundacrossthestreetwaswheremydadtaughtustorideourbikes,which
workedgreatexceptforminordetailssuchascruisingoffintothejunglegym,orhittingtheendofthe
handlebaronavolleyballpoll,wherehewouldhavetorununderthenetstokeepup.[Back]
Note12:Ikepttheheadinanopaquegarbagebaginthegaragefreezerforalongtime,intendingto
preparetheskullfordisplay,butIcouldnevermakemyselfdoit.Ineverevenmanagedtoopenthebag
andlookatit.[Back]
Note13:"Rottenzombiesnotglob"isanotheroneofthosetrochaictrimeters.Theypopupalloverthe
place,butsomeareclearlymorenoticeablethanothers.[Back]
Note14:Ineededacoupleofyears'worthof"foreign"languagestudyforcollege,soIdecidedtopackit
intointensivesummercoursesatUCBerkeley.IfiguredthatSpanishwaslikelytobemostuseful,plusIhad
myfillofFrench(originallychoosingthatlanguageinseventhgradebecausethat'swherethegirlswouldbe,
plusIhadalreadyhonedmyaccentatthefourfeetoftheMaster,PepéLePew).Onlyhereishowthings
wentwhenIgottotheSpanishclassroom:
ME:"IsthisSpanish?"
CLASSMATE:"No,it'sArabic."
ME:"Okaaay...soundsgood."
I'masuckerforaneworthography.IendeduptakingArabicfortwosummers.Wanderingovertothis
"wrong"roomwasacrucialnodethatledtolife-altering,fulfillingeventsthatIwouldhaveotherwise
missed.That'sonebigreasonthatItendtobeopentothesespecificsortsofspontaneousdecisions,albeitnot
others.[Back]
Note15:Itmightnotbeapparent,butIhavealwaysbeenaconcernedrulefollower.Asaverylittlekid,I
wouldn'tstepoutofthecarontotheblacktopbecauseIhadbeentoldnottostepintothestreet,andthe
parkinglotwasmadeoutofthesamestuff.Andwhenitwasnaptimeinkindergarten,Iwouldlierigidly
andstareattheceiling.(Thatkindofthinggotmesenttotheschoolpsychveryearlyon.ThiswaswhenI
wasjustidentifiedasa"WeirdLittleKid,"wellbeforetheyhadsystemsinplacetohelpspectrumychildren.
ThatparticularpsychbecametheSuperintendentforthedistrictbythetimeIwasinhighschool.)WhenI
gotabitolderIoftenwouldshopliftlittlethings,andImentionelsewherethatIstoppedonlywhenIhadit
explainedtomethatitwouldhurtotherpeoplewhenitcametimeforthemtodoinventory.Butthatwas
justshiftingthefocusfromalower-prioritypermissiveguideline(namelythatitwasokaytotakestuff)toa
higher-priorityrestrictiverule(whichisnottohurtinnocentpeople).Stealingthedrinkswouldhavebeen
hurtingaknownally,andthat'sdefinitelyagainsttherules.[Back]
Summary
88
ʃ MyDogHasaNose ʅ
T
HEREAREonlywhenyoualreadyknowthatsomethingunusualishappening.They'redifficulttogetto,
soyouonlymaketheefforttoreachthemwhenyourcuriositydrivesyoutoinvestigatesome
inexplicablesoundorsmell.Overtime,youcometoassociatethesescenesofstrangenesswithyour
WindowsontheWeird.
Abankofthesespecialwindowpanesrannarrowlyacrossthetopofmybedroomwall,andtheyfaced
abusysuburbanstreet.IgotthatroomwhenIwastenyearsold,anditwasn'tuntilafterIhadmovedaway
tocollegethatIunderstoodthatthisviewwasextraordinary.
Infact,theonlypersonwhoevertrulyappreciatedthosewindowswasourdog,Scooter.Heloved
them.(Thatandcheese.)Ishouldhavepaidmoreattentiontowhathewaswatching.Infact,Ishouldhave
paidmoreattentiontohim,period.
Youknowthosebookstoreladderswiththewheelsorhooksatthetop,theonesthatrunalonga
track?Well,that'swhatScooterwaslike,exceptwithpawsatthetop,andhedidn'thavethelittlesign
sayingthathewasforuseonlybybookstoreemployees.HealsolookedawholelotmorelikeaLabShepherdmixthanaladderdoes,withhisbroadwhitebowtieandexpressiveeyebrows.Stillandall,the
metaphorisaptbecausemybedranunderneaththosewindows,andhewouldstandwithhisfrontpawson
thesill,bouncingonhishindlegsleft-to-rightalongthewallandthenbackagain.Hewouldintentlyabsorb
alloftheneighborhoodaction,andgrinlikeamadfiend.
Theonlyrealproblemwasthathedidn'tdistinguishbetweenbouncingonthebed,andbouncingon
mybody.Plustherewasthatwholeanalglandthing.His,notmine.
Iwasn'ttooworriedaboutthebouncingpart,exceptforthesaltytasteofdogfeet,andtheclawmarks
onmyface.Imean,itwasn'tlikehediditonpurpose.Andeveryrarenowandagain,he'dstopbouncing,
becausehe'dseesomethingsointerestingthathe'dhavetostandinonespotforawhile,butunfortunately,
thatspotwasalwaysonmyhair.EventuallyIgottiredofbeingtenderized,andIturnedmybedsothat
onlyitsfootwasunderthewindow.He'dstillcomechargingintomyroom,leapingovertheheadboard,
trompingonceortwiceonmystomachonhiswaytothewindow,butafterthat,hisbouncingwouldonly
happenaroundmyfeet.Icouldlivewiththat.
Buteveryweek,beforeIwasawake,theseguysinsnazzywhitejumpsuitswouldstealthilyrollupto
ourhouseinaglimmeringtruck,eerilyintentonstealingourgarbage.Andeveryweek,likecalendarwork,
Scooterwouldalertmetothepresenceofthesenefariousintrudersbytrampoliningallovermylegs.And
then…
Sweet.
Mother.
of.
Mercy.
Havepityonmynose.
ʃMyDogHasaNoseʅ
89
Imagineskunksmell.Nowimaginefunkustyrannoskunkusshotstraightintoyourhaplesssinusesasthe
offendingeighty-pound,hackles-raisedwhirlwindoffuryisfranticallypummelingyourdefenselessbody,
barkingloudlyenoughtowakethevery,verysleepy.Finally,imaginefurtherthatthereisnowhereinthe
housethatyoucangowheretheseeye-curling,crop-witheringfumesdonotpenetratetoanabysmaldepth.
I'mtellingyou,lighthasnothingonthespeedofstench.
Butonthebrightside,weneverhadabugprobleminthathouse.
Anyway,Ibelievethatweweretalkingaboutwindows.
Icouldhavelookedoutthosewindowsmoreoften,butitneveroccurredtomethatIwasmissing
anythinginteresting.Imustadmit,it'snotlikeScooterdidn'ttrytotellme."Woof,"hesaid,butIignored
him."Roooo,"hewouldsagelyopine,and,"Muhya,"keepinguparunningcommentarysoIwouldn'tfeelleft
out.
Besides,itwasn'tlikeIneverlookedoutthewindows,it'sjustthatitusuallytooksomesortofodd
soundtocatchmyattentionfirst.
Oneday,Iheardabusshuffftoahalt,whichwasunusualbecausewewereblocksawayfromthebus
stop.Ilookedoutjustintimetoseethebuspullingaway,revealingmydadstandingonthesidewalkacross
thestreet.Asitturnedout,hewascominghomefromwork,andwastheonlyoneleftonboard,sothe
drivertookashortcutofftheregularrouteonthewaybacktothedepot,droppingmydadoffatourfront
door.
Iwonderedwhattheneighborsthought.
Scooterletmeknowthatthiswasn'tasstrangeassomeofthestuffImissedonaregularbasis."Rooroor!Hnff,"hegossiped.
IalsopokedmyheaduponedaywhenIheardawholebunchofhornsandsirensgoingoff.Max
Rosenthalwasanelderly,wealthy,localeccentric,andIsawmydadgetoutofMax'scarliope,tossa
handgunontheseat(whichmydadlatertoldmehehadsaton,presumablyonaccidentratherthanto
hatchit),andthencasuallywavegood-bye.Hewasactinglikethishappenedeveryday.IturnedtoScooter,
whoseeyesweregluedtothescene,"You'retellingmethatthissortofthinghappensallthetime?"
"Woof."
"Wellthen,warnmenexttime."
"Sigh."
Frankly,itwouldn'thavesurprisedmetoseemydadbeameddownfromasaucerinagarishgreen
tubeofflickeringlight,aslongashewascominghomefromwork,andaslongasIsawitthroughthat
window.
Buteventhatwouldn'thavebeenthemostexcitingthingIeversawthere.
***
Thewholeepisodestartedoutsimply.Mydadhasalwaysbeeninchargeofstrangesounds,andmy
momtakescareoffunnysmells.ArattlingintheengineoftheBuick,forexample,wouldfallundermy
dad'sdomain,whileScooter'sglandswouldbemymom'sproblem.
Soonenight,aftermybrotherandIhadgonetobed,mymomwaswanderingthehalls,tryingto
figureoutwherethat"warm"smellwascomingfrom.ShenarroweditdowntothehallwayoutsideJeff's
room,andrunningherhandupthewall,shefoundittobehot.
SherealizedthatthecircuitbreakerpanelwasinJeff'scloset,rightontheothersideofthatwall.
Inshortorder,shethrewoffthemainbreaker,putJeffinmyroom,andcalledthefiredepartment.
ʃMyDogHasaNoseʅ
90
JeffandIwatchedalltheexcitementthroughthosewindows.Weheardthesirensgetlouderasthe
enginesroaredupthestreet,andwemarveledatallthelights,especiallythewaythattheyreflectedonmy
bedroomceiling.Wewatchedtheneighborscomeout(notofthecloset)intheirrobesandpajamas.
Moreofthemwouldhaveshownup,buttheyprobablyjustthoughtthatmydadwascominghome
fromworkagain.
Aswewerewatchingtheshow,firefighterscameintomyroombecausetheaccesstotheattic
crawlspacewasinmycloset.Oneofthecircuitbreakershadmelted(kindofadesignflawthere),andthey
wantedtogetupovertheboxtoseeiftherewasanactualfireinthewalls,andtakecareofanysmoldering
materialthatcouldburstintoflamelateron.Irememberbeingimpressedwithwhatanincrediblygoodidea
thatwas.Loadsofpeopleknowenoughtoputoutafire,butfartoofewofthemmakesurethatthey
haven'tleftanythingsmolderinginthewalls.(Don'tyoujustloveanicemetaphor?)
AsIwriteaboutthatearlyimpression,itoccurstomethatIhavehadalotofexperiencewith
incompetentpeople,butIhaveneverfoundafirefightertobelessthanabsolutelyprofessional.Infact,I
haveneverspokentoanyoneelsewhohashadanycomplaintsaboutthewaythatafirewasputout,a
kittenpulledoutofatree,orachildrescuedfromawell.AsfarasIcantell,everybodylovesfirefighters.
Thatmightbeabigpartofwhytheyhavethehighestlevelofjobsatisfactionfoundinanyprofession(orso
Iamtold).
Letmeputitthisway:theydidn'teventellmymomaboutthefireworksthatJeffhadhiddeninthe
crawlspaceabovethefusepanel.Theyconfiscatedthem,ofcourse,butthatwasit.Jeffwenttolookfor
themthenextday,andtheyweresimplygoneasiftheyhadneverexisted,andweweren'tintrouble.The
alternativeisthattheytoldmymom,andsheletuslive.Sciencefiction,Itellyou.
Andasitturnedout,therewasnoactualfire,whichmeantthatwehadalloftheexcitementandnone
ofthedisaster.
Whatmorecouldyouaskfor?Itwasperfect.
Oratleastitwouldhavebeen,ifScooterhadbeenabletowatchthewholethingthroughthewindows
withus.Atleasthegottoseethetruckspullup,andhewasabletowatchthefirefightersstarttowalkup
thedrive.
That'swhenScooterrushedtothedoortoletusknowthatwewereunderattack.
Atthatpoint,itsuddenlyseemedlikeamuchbetterideatolethimrunaroundoutinthebackyard,in
thefreshair,especiallysincethereweregoingtobeawholelotofverylargestrangerstrompingaroundthe
house.
Despitethedistinctlackofsmoke,theyofferedusgasmasks.
"Butwhereistheconflictresolution?"youask."DidIjustreadallthataboutyourdog'sanalglands
withoutearninganyrighttoasenseofclosure?"
Fine,fine,fine:hediedaboutseventydogyearslater.
Happynow?Ican'tbelievethatyouletyourobsessionwithstorygrammarelementsputsucha
damperontheemotionaltenorofanicelittlestorylikethat.
ButIforgiveyou.Considertheincidentforgotten.
NOTES
IthoughtthatthismightmakeagoodplacetoputacoupleofotherincidentalnotesaboutScooter.
Onetimewhenhegotaway,hewentswimminginoneofthenearbycreeks.Whenwegothimhomehe
smelledsobadthathewenttolickhimselfandgaveup.Now,ifadogwon'tputitstongueonsomething,
it'sgottobeprettyawful.(Oravegetable.He'dsuckthedressingoffofsaladandspititout.)
ʃMyDogHasaNoseʅ
91
Heusedtogetlittletreats,sometimesinritualizedform,suchasasmallbitofmyfolks'breakfastbars.He
knewwhichboxtheycamefrom,andhe'dwaitpolitelyforhisbit.Onedaymymomleftabunchofrolled
upchangeonthecounterinoneofthoseboxes,andwhenIgothomeIsawbitsofcoin-rollpaperand
changestrewnabout.I'mnotsurehowmuchmoneyheactuallyswallowed,buthaveyouevertriedtofeeda
candymachinebyholdingalargedog'sbuttuptothecoinslot?Meneither,butthatwasmyfirstthought
whenIsawthemess.
ʃMyDogHasaNoseʅ
92
ʃ IAmaLuckyMan ʅ
I
HADJUSTGRADUATEDFROMHIGHSCHOOLandwaslookingforwardtoattendingtheUniversityofthePacificin
Stockton,whereIgrewup.Iwasalsolookingforasummerjoband,luckilyenough,UOPofferedmethe
followingfinancialaidpackage:first,theywouldhelpmetofindwork;second,Iwouldwork;andfinally,
theywouldtakeallofthemoneythatIearned.Thisplanwaselegantinitssimplicity.
Itwouldn'tbetoohardforthemtofindmeajob;infact,alltheyhadtodowasanswerthephone
becauselocalbusinessesusedtheStudentEmploymentOfficeasareadysourceofunskilled,low-wage
labor.Iknewtheywouldn'tbeexpendingawholelotofeffortonmybehalf,butthenagainIalsoknewthat
beggarsshouldn'tthrowstones,soIwasreadytotakewhatevertheygaveme.(Exceptmaybestripping.I'm
veryprivateaboutmybody.)
IendedupworkingasaroguerfortheAsgroSeedCompany,whichIenjoyedmorethanIthoughtI
would.Irememberonedayinparticularbecausefortunesmileddownuponmetwice,andwhilethatsmile
wasslightlycrooked(ifnotdownrightrakish),I'mnotcomplaining.Thingscouldhavebeenalotworse.
Asjobsgo,rogueingisprettystraightforward.Youpeerdownalongarowoftomatoplants,making
outafairlyuniform,bushyarctothegreenery.Youwillalsoseesomebigger,scragglyplantsthatdisturb
thiscylindricalpattern.Whatyouwanttodoiswhackouttheserogueswithyourmachete.(It'svery
therapeutic.)Yousee,Asgrohadlongsinceconcludedthattheircustomerswantedtobuyonlyfertileseeds,
soitwaseconomicalforthemtopaysomeonetoremovetheinfertileplants.
Inthiscase,theyhiredseveralsomeones,butImustadmitthatIcanrecallonlyonename:Joe
Crocitto.I'mhorriblewithnames.Really,Ilockthemawayinsomedarkrecessofmymind(Iforgetthe
nameoftheplace)wherethereiswailingandgnashingofteeth.Butthat'sokay,we'rereallyonlygoingto
needoneactualnameforthisstory(JoeCrocitto)andIcanjustresorttotitlesandthelikeforeveryone
else.It'llbefine,trustme.
TheBosswasaniceguy.(Seehowwellthatworked?)Kindofskinny,pale,polite,withwire-rimmed
glasses,andwealllikedhimbecausehebotheredtomakesurethatwedidn'tdropresoundinglydeadfrom
suchthingsasdehydration,heatprostration(notprostitution),orasplitskull.Thatmantaughtme
everythingIknowaboutrogueingtomatoes.
Cometothinkofit,that'snotentirelytrue.Mydadtaughtmethatthebestwaytogettomatoplant
sapoffmyhandswastopullapartatomatoandrubthejuiceallover.(Allovermyhands,anyway.)That's
areallygoodthingtoknowwhenyou'rearoguerbecauseyourhandsgetcoatedwithsap.
ButeverythingelseIhadtolearnfromthegroundup.Didyouknowthatpimientosarepeppers?It's
true;theyonlylooklikelittlebitsoftomato.That'soneofthosethingsthatIhadtolearninthefields,
becausesomeexperiencesyoujustcan'tgetfrombooklarnin'.
TheBossreliedonacoupleofexperiencedfarmworkerstoseethatwereallywerelearningtotellthe
differencebetweenthegoodplantsandtherogues.Otherthanthat,theseguysdidn'tsayverymuchtome,
excepttoswapsimplepleasantriesaboutthingslikeWork:
THEM:"Heyyou!Notthatone!That'sagoodone!"
ʃIAmaLuckyManʅ
93
ME:"Okay."
theWeather:
THEM:"Ifyou'refreezinginthemorning,putyourhandsinyourpants."
ME:"Okay."
orHealth:
THEM:"Watchout!Thatcrazyguy'lltakeyourheadoffwithhismachete."
ME:"Okay."
YouknowwhatImean.Basicconversationalstufflikethat.
Theotherroguerswereamixedlot.Tobeginwith,therewereacoupleofotherUOPstudentswho
hadthesamefinancialaidpackageasIdid.Theywerebothtwoorthreeyearsaheadofme,andtheyspent
mostoftheirtimechattingtogetherwhiletheywereworking.Oneofthemwasayoungwomanwhowas
friendlyenough,andtheotherwasaguywhowasbothfriendlyandbig.Ilikedhim.Hekeptthecrazyguy
fromtakingmyheadoffwithhismachete.
ThentherewasJoeCrocitto.You'llhearmoreabouthimlater.I'mnotsurewhyhewasworkingthere.
HewasayoungerbrotherofFrankCrocitto.FrankandIhadalotofthesameclassestogethersince
seventhgrade,atwhichtimeweweighed100pounds(apiece).IrememberbecausethePEteacherwroteit
onourgymclothes.Niceguy,Frank.
Thatcompletesourcastofcharacters.
Andnow,inordertosetthesceneproperly,youwillneedtoknowmoreaboutourworking
conditions.First,therewasthe100-plusdegreeheat,andthentherewasthezillion-and-onepercent
humidity.(Ithinkitwasazillion-and-one.Maybeitwasazillion-and-two.)Andlet'snotforgetthepart
aboutgettingcaked(notnaked)inmudandsap,ortherepeatedlower-backstrain.Rogueingtomatoes
didn'tmakeamanoutofme(whichisanotherstoryentirely),butitdidgivemeagreatdealofrespectfor
peoplewhodothiskindofworkdayinanddayout.
Onthepositiveside,theratspreferredrunningtofighting.
Themosquitoesontheotherhand(andlegandfaceandsoforth)weremoreofaproblem.Swatting
becamehabitual.
WhichbringsmetothefirstpieceofluckIhadthatday.
Yousee,I'mborderlineambidextrous,butIseemtofavorbeingright-handedsomewhat,whichmeans
thatIwieldedmymacheteontherightside.
SoitwaswithaconsiderableamountofluckthatIlookeddownandsawamosquitoonmyzipper,
becauseIfollowedmyprimitiveinstinctandcrusheditwithamightyright-handedswat.
Yes,asIlaynauseatedinthemud,warmingmyhands,IthoughtabouthowluckyIwasthat,forno
particularreason,contrarytomynaturaltendencies,Ihadbeenholdingmymacheteinmylefthand.
That'smykindofluck;it'scalled:ThingsareGreatbecauseThingscouldbeWorse.
Thisbringsustothesecondluckybreakoftheday,whichrequiresanasideinwhichIwillgiveyoua
moredetaileddescriptionofthescene.
TheagriculturallandaroundStocktonisalldredged-updelta,apatchworkquiltoflow-lyingfields
enclosedbycasuallymisalignedgridsofleveeroads.Someleveeslookoutoverfanningrowsoftomatoes,
onions,strawberries,rhubarb,asparagus,lettuce,andjustabouteveryothertypeofsun-lovingproduceon
ʃIAmaLuckyManʅ
94
Earth.Fromotherleveesitfeelslikeyoucouldjuststepstraightoutontothetreetops,wanderingabove
orchardsfulloffruitandnuts.
Thentherearethoseleveesthatdambackthewater.Whatyouseeoffofoneoftheseleveesdepends
upontheseasonandtheirrigationschedule.Acreekbedcangetdryasanolddirtroad(oranewdirtroad,
forthatmatter),butsometimesthewater'sjustrunningkindoflow,andyoucanseeislandsoutinthe
middlethatlookperfectlydry,butwhicharereallyonlythincrustsofbakedmudthatwillcrunchunder
yourfootsteps,leavingyoumireduptoyourwaistintarrygoop.Thiswillhappennomatterhowoftenyou
thinkyou'velearnedyourlesson.Creeksarefullofmuddylumpsvaguelyshapedlikelostshoes.
Thentherearetimeswhenthewaterisrunningrightupatthebrim,lookinglikeaninvitingcrickwith
itspicturesquecattails,catfish,crayfish,frogs,sawgrass,andred-wingedblackbirds…untilyouglanceback
downoverthedropoffoftheothersideoftheroad.Yourealizethenhowdeepthewaterreallyis,how
muchwatertherereallyis.Thecreekseemsjustasfriendlyasever,butithasearnedsomerespect.Youturn
aroundtofacethefields,imaginingtrees,houses—people—submerged,andyougrowtoappreciatethe
burdenofthelevee.
Thedynamicissimple:whenyouletwaterthroughaleveeonpurpose,that'sirrigation;whenitcomes
throughonitsown,that'sflooding.Theleveesturnfloodingintoirrigation,andpipesofmanysizes(some
ofthembigenoughtowalkthrough)areburiedcrosswaysthroughthemtocontroltheflowofwater
betweenthefields.
What'simportanttothisparticularstoryisthataleveeroadcangetnarrowerattheplacewherea
piperunscrosswaysunderit,becausethedirtpackedoverthepipeerodesattheedgesandcrumblesaway.
Itgetstobelikedrivingoveranarrowbridge,exceptwithouttherailings.Ifyoudriveofftheedge,you'll
onlygointotheditch…butsincethisisalevee,thatditchmightbetwentyfeetdeepwithnothingbut
tomatoestocushionyourplummet.Ifyou'relucky,youmightjustdriveoffintothewater…whenit's
runninghigh.
Imaginewhatcouldhappenifyouweredrivingalongaleveeroadwithoutknowinganythingabout
thissortofhazard.
Goahead,really,imagineit.
Good.Nowletmetellyouwhatdidhappen.
Afterwork,onthedayoftheMosquitoMassacre,IwasgivingJoeCrocittoaridehomeinmymom's
Audi,whenallofasuddenhestartsswearinglikeanun(no,notthekindwiththevowofsilence,that
wouldjustbestupid)whilestompingwildlyonthepassengerbrake.Allthewhilehe'schinninghimselfon
thepaddedhandleoverthedoor.
Whathesaw,andIdidnot,wasthatalotofthedirthadcrumbledawayontheright-handsideofthe
leveewhereitranoverabigpipe,narrowingtheso-called"road."Now,JoesomehowsensedthatIhad
beenplanningtousethatmissingpartofthe"road"toholduptherightsideofthecar,andhisTap-Dance
ofDoomwasjusthiscolorfulwayofsuggestingthatIconsideranewstrategy.Well,I'manaccommodating
driver,butunfortunately,thebestalternativethatIcouldcomeupwithonsuchshortnoticewas"Stop!"
becausewhenyou'retwentyfeetuponanarrowroadbedlooselypavedindust,gravel,anddespair,
"Swerve!"isjustnotagoodthing.
SoIpumpedthebrakes,thecarslid,andtherightfronttirewentoutovertheedgeofthelevee.The
roadscrapedgrindinglyunderthecar,anditwasonlypure,unadulteratedfrictionthatkeptusfrom
screamingovertheedge…westoppedrightwheretheleveewascrumblingdownoverthepipe.Withthree
wheelsstillontheroad(giveortake),thefrontpassengerareawastippingdownoffthelevee,andJoewas
saying,"Okay,I'mjustgonnacrackthisdoor,andwhenIcounttothree,wejump!"
Now,Iwastryingtoaskhimifhemeantthatwewouldjumponthreeoronfour,buthedidn'tseemto
hearmeoverhisrapidshoutsof"One!"and"Two!",sonextthingIknowhe'srunningdownthe
ʃIAmaLuckyManʅ
95
embankment,dustcloudspuffingupunderhisheels,yelling,"Threeeeee!"You'lljusthavetoimaginethat
soundtrailingoffintothedistance.
Me?Iwasstillsittinginthecar.
Why?Well,foronething,IfiguredthatJoewasonthedownsideofthecar,soifIstayedwhereIwas,
thenthecarwouldbelesslikelytogopitchingovertheedge,rollingoverhimonhiswaydownthehill.For
another,sinceIwasonthedriver'sside,Iwasn'tstrucksostronglybythesenseofimminentperil,somy
brainwascontenttoletmejustsittherewithouthasslingme.Andfinally,aslongasIwasstillsittingwhere
Iwas,myweightwaskeepingmefromhavingtoexplaintomymomhowIhadcrushedherall-time
favoritecar.Andit'sjustaswellthatIhadallthesegreat,made-upexcusestositthere,becauseIstillhad
myseatbelton.
Now,wouldn'tthathavebeenfunny,metryingtojumpout,onlytogetdraggeddownthehillbymy
seatbelt,rollingrepeatedlyunderthecar?Hilarious.IcouldhavebeeninoneofthosegruesomeReader's
Digeststories.
SowhileIwaitedinthecar,admiringthenaturalbeautyofmysurroundings,Joewalkedashortway
backuptheroadtoasksomepeopletopushthecarawayfromthebrinkofdisaster.ThefactthatIwas
blockingtheroadhomeprobablyhadnothingtodowiththeireagernesstohelp.
IclearlyrememberTheBoss,andthebigfriendlyguy,andJoe,allcrowdedinfrontofthecaronthe
remainingpartofthelevee,pushingbackagainstthegrill,tryingtogetthefourthwheelbackonthe
ground.AllIwassupposedtodowassitthereandfunctionasadeadweight(whichbynowIwasquite
goodat),andthengiveitalittlegastohelpdragthecarbackontothelevee.
Therewasalittletroubleatfirst,untilJoecleverlysuggestedthatIputthecarinreverse.Sureenough,
takingitoutofdrivehelpedthewholeplancometogether.
YouseehowluckyIwas?Ididn'trunoverthreeniceguys,andIdidn'tplungethecarofftheedgeof
thelevee,whichmeantinturnthatIdidn'tcrushmymom'scar,Ididn'tplay"LadyofSpain"withmyspine,
andIdidn'tspendtherestofmylifeinjailforvehicularmanslaughter.
Allinall,I'dhavetosaythatthingswentnowherenearlyasbadlyastheycouldhave.
Ontopofallofthisgoodfortune,rememberthatIdidn'twhangmyselfstoutlyinthecrotchwitha
machete.
Yep.Nodoubtaboutit.
Iamaluckymanindeed.
ʃIAmaLuckyManʅ
96
ʃ WeAllScream ʅ
P
YRACANTHAISHORRIBLE,NASTYSTUFF,andyetsomepeoplegrowitonpurpose…atleastforawhile.WhenI
washalfwaythroughfourthgrade,wemovedacrosstowntoahousethathadoneoftheseplantsthat
wastallerthanthesideyardfence,growingeventallerinthefewyearsittookustodecidetogetridofit.I
usedtothinkthatthebirdswouldgetdrunkonthefermentedberriesbecausetheywouldeatthemandfly
loopilynearthebush,wheretheneighbor'scatwouldwatchthemwithtwitchingtail(butwithoutsnacking
onthem),butnowI'mthinkingthatmaybetheircyanidecompoundshaveneurotoxiceffects.(I'llletyou
know.)
Ohsure,there'sanabundanceofglossy,deepgreenleaves,whichIadmitispretty,andIcan
appreciatethecascadesoftinypaleflowersandampleclustersofshinyred-orangeberries(whichtaste
rathermealyandpyucky,andaremildlypoisonousunlessyouprepthem);however,whilewe'reonthe
subject,let'snotforgettheirnamesakefirethorns,shallwe?Mymemoryofgettingpokedbythesethingsis
thatitburns,butmaybemybrainismakingitup.I'mnotgoingtotestittofindout.
So,ifyou'replanningtopruneapyracantha(orperhapstearitoutaltogether),dressformally,asif
youhavebeeninvitedtoattendthedefusingofabomb.
Unless,ofcourse,it'sover100degreesoutside,inwhichcaseIsuggestthrowingcautiontothe
nonexistentwindandstrippingdowntoshorts,sneakers,andgloves.That'swhatJeffandIdidwhenMr.
FragileOldmanhiredusteardownallofthepyracanthathatcoveredhisbackyardfence.Itwasadry,
dusty,pokey,chokey,scratchy,ratty,snakey,sensorynightmareofadamnjob(andtomakemattersworse,
thiswasduringmylong-hairedyears)butweneededthemoney.PlusJeffknewthisguyfromsomewhereor
other,andfeltsomekindofobligationtohelpout.
Anyway,therewewere,over-our-headsdeepinsweat,itch,self-pity,andwryamusement,whenJeff
suddenlytoreoffatblindingspeed(ormaybethatwasjustthedustinmycontacts)andvaultedtheside
gate.WhenIheardhimtearingdownthestreetIthoughthewasracingawaytoswearatapolitedistance
fromMr.Oldman,butthenIpickedupthedoppleredstrainsof"TheEntertainer."
Mybrothercanhearanicecreamtruckthewayadoghearssomeonesomuchasthinkingabout
cheese.
Jeffreturnedshortlythereafter,grimacingfromthesaltinhispyracanthascratches,nonetheless
proudlybearinganicecreamnoveltyforeachofus.
Hehadevidentlyharboredagrudgefor15years,havingbeentraumatizedbythesadisticicecream
manofourchildhood,theonewhowouldletusjustaboutcatchupbeforedrivingfurtherdowntheblock.
(Bastard.GivingScottJoplinabadname.)
Wespentthenextseveralminutesrevelingplacidlyinice-creamycontentment,cooledbythebreeze
ofJeff'schildhoodtraumawaftingaway.
ʃWeAllScreamʅ
97
ʃ TheBridgeofHisNose ʅ
T
HEREISANIMPRESSIVELYSTEEPBRIDGEarcingovertheSanJoaquinRiverbetweenAntiochandSherman
Island.[Note1]Howsteepisit?Well,itgetstoaheightof135feet,itfeelsnarrow(justonelanein
eitherdirectionwithaconcretebarrierdownthemiddle),anditspansonly460feetofwater,soitseems
steepwhenyou'redrivingupit.BecauseIamnotfondofheights,thelowoutsidewallsmakeitseemeven
steeper.Knowingthatsomecrashescanflipacaroverabridgeraildoesn'thelp.
OntheShermanIslandside(tothenorth)thereisalong,gracefuldouble-curveswoopingoverflat
deltaland,whichmeansthatyouhavealongtimetocontemplateyourapproachtothebridge.Many
peopleusethiscorridortojockeyforposition,butI'mnotoneofthem.Theroadistoonarrow,andthere's
toomuchriskycompetition.
Thatsaid,thisstoryisabouttheonetimethatIdidtrytopass.
Imagineifyouwilloneofthosetrucksthathasaflatdumpbed,withsidescreatedoutoftwo-by-four
postsandrottingplywoodpanels,allheldtogetherwithfrayingropemadeoutofdreadlocks.Stuffthis
containertobulgingwithviciousjunk,andyou'vegotapictureofwhatJeffandIweredrivingbehind.
Literallyontopofeverythingelseinthetruckwasarusty,bustedupwashingmachinethatwaslurching
around,aligningitselftocomeflyingthroughthewindshieldwhenwewerehalfwayuptheslope.Jefftalked
meintopassing,andasIstartedtogoaroundIcouldseecarswaaayupinthedistanceintheoncoming
lane,stillaroundthecurve.Ispedup...butthensodidthetruck,pacingme.Idon'tknowifhewasjust
beingajerk,orifhewastryingtogetupaheadofsteambeforehittingthebridge.
Itriedtogunit,butwewereinthislittleoldToyotaCorollawagon,andnomatterhowhardIpushed
onthesteeringwheel,itwouldn'tacceleratefasterthanthetruck.
Thecarsintheoncominglanewere,ofcourse,rapidlygettingcloser.
IfiguredthatIwasgoingtohavetosurrenderbecausethetrucksimplywasn'tgoingtoletmepass,
butabunchofcarshadlinedupbehindmeattailgatedistanceandtheywouldn'tslowdownwhenItried
todropback.Idon'tthinkthatanyofthemwantedtocatchthewashingmachineeither.
Sowe'regettingcloserandclosertooncomingtraffic,andthere'saredvaninfront.I'mbettingithas
flamesanddevilspaintedalloverit.Ithassomanycarsintowthatit'slikedrivingtowardsatrain.
AndmybrotherandIarebothlaughinglikemaniacs.
That'swhatwedowhenwe'reintrouble:laughuncontrollably.
I'mgettingreadytodriveoffintoafieldratherthanploughhead-onintothevan,orforcethemoff
theroad.
Butjustbeforewegosailingoffintotheasparagus,thetruckdriverhadmercyonus,fallingbackjust
enoughtoletussqueakby.
AndsuddenlyJeffispoundingonthedashwith,"Dammit,dammit,dammit!"(Poundingstops.)"I
forgottoputmynoseagainstthedashboard!ItoldmyselfthatifI'mgoingtogetinacaraccident,toput
mynoseagainstthedashboardsoIcouldgetfreeplasticsurgery.AndIforgot!"
Well,weallhaveourregrets.
ʃTheBridgeofHisNoseʅ
98
Soyousee,thisistheplan:ifyouaregoingtogetsmashedhead-onbyalineofhigh-speedtraffic,
andgetsquashed(orevensquarshed)intoanunrecognizablepaste,thendon'tforgettoputyournose
againstthedashboard.
NOTES
Note1:ThisisknownastheSenatorJohnA.NejedlyBridge.[Back]
ʃTheBridgeofHisNoseʅ
99
ʃ TheThickEndoftheWedge ʅ
W
HENJEFFANDIOPENEDAHOMEREPAIRBUSINESSbackinthelate80s,wewereworkingoutinBlackhawk,
about30mileseastofSanFrancisco.Thecommunitywasjustafewyearsoldthen,buthad
assimilatedsomeofthepreviouslyestablishedwell-to-doneighborhoodsarounditsedges.Iwouldguess
thatatthetimetherewereonlytwoorthreethousandhousesalltold,builtonjustaboutasmanyacres,
withanequalamountoflanddevotedtoMountDiabloStatePark.Thebuildersoftenmanagedtowork
aroundtheexistingoakscruboftheoldBlackhawkRanch,sotheneighborhoodwasalotnicerthansome
ofthosecookie-cutterdevelopmentsyousee,particularlytheonesthatendupbeingshadedonlyby
saplingsandutilitypoles.Thedeveloper,KenBehring,alsotossedinacoupleofstunningmuseums,a
handfulofgourmetrestaurants,amultiplextheater,severalboutiquesclassysanstagsprice,andagrocery
storewithgold-platedcartsthatcausedfoodbudgetstocombustattenpaces.IwasworriedthatIwould
paddywhackaknick-knackinoneofthosemultimillion-dollarmansionsthatwouldendupcostingmemore
thanayacht.
WhichexplainsmyagitatedmindsetasIwasdrivingusovertoamoderatecastleinneedofrepair.I
washummingalittletuneentitled,"Don'tTouch,"thechorusofwhichis,"Don'ttouch,"accompaniedby
severalverses,allofwhicharesimplevariationsontheclassic,hauntinglyrics,"Don'ttouch."Simplyput(for
once),IwasworriedalmostsickthatIwasgoingtobreaksomethingthatwouldcostus100timesmorethan
wewouldearnatthatjob.Plusournextjob.Plusanyothermoneywemightearninourcombinedlifetimes.
Asweapproachedaforkintheroad,Jeffsaid,"Left."
Iwasdistracted,that'strue,butIwasalsoinrapportwithmybrother,mynavigator,andIknew
instinctivelywhichwayhewantedtogo,sowekeptontalkingaboutourwealthyclient,andallofthe
opportunitiesthatthisnewjobwouldopenupforournewhomerepairbusiness.Icasuallypeeledoffalong
theleftfork.
Orrather,makethattherightfork.
Theconversationstopped.Jeffsighed,andIsmiledresignedly.I'malwaysasafedriver,butweboth
knowthatIshouldn'ttalkwhileI'mtryingtofollowdirections.Iftheconversationisatallinteresting,my
auto-pilotengages,andIendupathome,work,orsomeotherautomatic,preprogrammeddestination,
withoutregardtowhereIreallywantedtogo.
Weapproachedthenextfork,andJeffsaid,"Okay,wecanstillgetthereifwejustgolefthere."
ThistimeIwasdeterminedtopayattention.Jeffhadsaid"left,"soIwouldgoleft.Iwouldn'tthink
abouthowourperformanceonthisjobwouldaffectthefutureofourbusiness.Iwouldn'tthinkabout
accidentallycausingthousandsofdollars'worthofdamagetothehouse.Everythingwouldbefine.
Toconfirmthedirections,Jeffcontinuedtosay,"left…left…Left!"
Yes!Iwouldgoleft.Iwouldrefusetothinkdistractingthoughts.IwouldgointhedirectionwhereI
knewthehousewas.
AndafterIwentleft,somethinginthewaythatJeffwasburyinghisfaceinhishandsandscreaming
mademerememberthathewastheonewhoknewwherethehousewas,notI,andthatIhadonceagain
goneright.Istartedgigglingattheabsurdity,andJeffwaslaughing,albeitruefully.
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
100
Okay!Enoughmessingaround!Isworeitwouldn'thappenagain.ThistimeIwasgoingtogetitright.
AndIdon'tknowwhattotellyou.AllIrememberisthatIwasapproachingthenextfork,tryingto
followJeff'sinstructions,whenhestartedpointingacrossmyface,cryingdesperately,"Leeeeft!Leeeeft!For
God'ssake,gole-he-he-heft!"SoIwentwherehewaspointing.
Left.Pieceofcake.
Whydidn'thejustsayso?
Isuspectthatsometimesmypassengersmustgetreallyfrustratedwithme.
***
So,wherewereweheaded?Ah,yes.Fordisaster.
Wefinallypulledupinfrontofanimposingtwo-storyhouseoutontheedgeoftheneighborhood,one
thatlookedolderthanthetypicalBlackhawkmansion.ItwasTudorRevival,maybetenyearsold:
decorativehalf-timberingfilledwithstuccoaboveandbrickbelow;asteeply-pitchedroofwithplentyof
gables;aflattened,pointedarchoverthefrontdoor;andlotsoftall,narrowwindowscomplementinga
sizeablebayoverlookingthegenerousgarden.
Comingupthewalk,wecouldseethatthishousewasn'tjustsomecontractor'scheapoknock-off.
TherewerePellawindows,dragon-pridelightstandards,andastoneworkhoodmoldandlabelstopsover
themassive,many-paneledfrontdoor.
Realpaneldoorsaremadeofjustthat:realpanelsofbeveledwood,sandwichedtogetherandheldin
placebyasubstantialgridofheavyplanks.Ifthedoorisoldanddry,thentheframewon'tbeastightasit
usedtobe,andthepanelswillslidearound.Thedifferencesinweatheringalongtheedgesofthesepanels
willmakethedoorlooksloppy.(Thepanelsgetafarmer'stan.)Thisdoorneededsomelovingattention.
Doorslikethisalsoneededbigknockers,andnotjustforthesakeofthejoke.
Ourprospectiveemployeransweredthisverydoor,anddespitemyexpectationstothecontrary,she
wasnotwearingone-of-a-kindParisfashionsandcascadesofexpensivejewelry;infact,shewasdeckedout
injeans,loafers,aregularoldcottonblouse,andabaggysweater.Loandbehold!Shedressedlikeanormal
person.Aswetalked,shealsoseemedtoactlikeanormalperson,soinsurrenderImockedmyself
mercilessly(andsilently)forbeingparanoid;nonetheless,IwasstillnervousaboutshatteringaMingvase
withtheill-tunedharmonicsofmaniacallaughter(ortheoccasionalflyinghammer,forthatmatter).
Theshortinterviewwentwellenoughthatsheputusrighttowork.Itwasclearthatshewantedtosee
howwewoulddoonacoupleofsmalltasksbeforeentrustinguswithanythingimportant,whichwas
neitherunusualnorunreasonable.Wewereyoungandnotlicensed,sowewereusedtobeingtested.We
justrealignedsomesaggingcrank-outwindowswithoutbreakingtheglass,andweinstalledanewfaucetin
theentryhalllavatorywithoutgougingoffthegoldplating.
Simple.
Sofar,Ihadn'tbrokenanything.Shewashappy,wewerehappy,andshegaveusalistof
improvementstomakeovernextfewdays.JeffandIprioritizedthetasks,thenattheveryendofthelist,I
penciledinaquicknotetomyself:"Knocker?"Ithoughtthatifshewasstillhappywithourworkwhenwe
weredonewithherlist,thenshemighttrustouradviceonacoupleofotheraestheticupgrades.The
knockerwouldbeourlasttask…ourwayofleavingwithaclassyflourish.
So,wereturnedthenextmorningtogetsomemedium-sizedjobsoutoftheway.Wepatchedpotholes
inthedriveway,replacedmissingbricksinthewalkways,installedsomefancyfaucetsoutinthebackyard,
destroyedsomebamboothatwastearingupthewalk,andpaintedthedragonlightstandards.
Thislasttaskwasabittricky,becausesomeofthepolesinthebackyardwereonahillsosteepthat
theladderrefusedtostayput.Ihadtodanglefromadragonbyonehandwhilepaintingwiththeother.
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
101
Noneofthedragonssnappedoff,andasanaddedbonus,Idiscoveredthatdeerpoopisbarrelshaped.
TurnsoutthatdeerfromtheStateParkregularlywanderedthroughthebackyardsoftheirwealthy
neighbors.Nifty.
Whatwasnicewasthatallofthisworkwasoutside.Nofragilecrystal.Nodelicatetapestries.No
pricelessLouispick-an-ordinal-numberfurniture.Andthere'snothingsaferthanfreshair,plentyof
sunshine,andbricks…sturdy,rough-and-tumblebricks,farawayfromthewindows.Noneedtobeextra,
extracarefulandallofthat.
Butafterthosechoresweredone,therewasworktodoinside.
***
Alloftheformalroomsonthelowerfloorhadponderouswoodenslidingdoorswithsolidbrass
hardware.Thewheelbracketsatthetopshadcomelooseovertheyears,andthedoorswerehangingaskew
inthewalls.Overtime,theyhadbeenrubbedrawinplaces,andweredeeplyscarredinothers.We
consideredworkingonthedoorswhiletheyremainedinplace,buttheanglewouldhavebeenawkward,
andtherewasgoingtobequiteabitofdust,plusweweregoingtobeusingsome(ob)noxiouschemicals
thatdemandedahighlyventilatedapplication.Nothingprovidesbetterventilation(onabudget)thanbeing
outside.
Theproblemwasthatthepathtothefrontdoorhadbeendiabolicallylinedwithexpensiveantique
boobytraps.Ouremployerwasconvincedthatmovingthosepricelessprecariosoutofthewaywouldbe
toorisky,andheralternativeplanwasthatJeffandIwouldsimplytakeeachoftheslidingdoorsdownin
turn,thengracefullywaltzthemthroughtheGauntletofFragility,glidingrightonoutthefrontdoor
(backwardsandinhighheels,asthesayinggoes.)
Jeffshotmethe"She'scrazy"glance.Webothknewthatitwouldbeabominablystupidofustotake
thatkindofariskevenonce,muchlessadozentimes.Itwouldbebetterifwesimplyrefused,evenifit
meantneveragainworkinginBlackhawkformultizillionaireswhopaidussowell.
Sonaturallywetriedit.
NowimagineapairofteacupYorkiesusingourlegsasanimpromptuobstaclecourse,followedbythe
juggernautplungeofoneofthosemassiveoakdoors,precariouslyfreedfromitsshackles,smashing
shriekinglythroughmahogany-and-glasscabinetsstuffedwithformerlyheirloomchina.Picturethetwoofus
sparklinginarainbowshowerofcutcrystal.
Thatispreciselythevisionthatkeptrunningthroughmyheadthewholetimethatweweremoving
thosedoors,firstoutside,thenbackinside.
Ihavenever,ever,beensogladtogetajoboverwith.
***
Despitemyanxiety,Imustsaythatwhenweweredonewiththerefinishing,thedoorslooked
fantastic,allthemoresobecausethechinacabinetsandtheircontentswerestillintact(unlikemynerves).
Butthereisonehomerepairprincipleaboveallothersthatyoumustkeepfirmlyinmind,andthatis:the
legbone'sconnectedtothethighbone.Thedoorslookedsogoodthatthetrimaroundthemwasshabbyin
comparison.
Soattheowner'sbehest(wehadbeenreadytoleave)werefinishedthetrim,whichwasconnectedto
thebaseboards,whichranintothekitchencabinets,whichconnectedtofurtherbaseboards(andotherdoors
andtrim),whichtouchedthestairs(includingsteps,railings,andbalusters).Thisisthewayinwhichwe
workedourwayupstairs(tomoredoors,baseboard,andtrim),whereIsawmyfirsteverbidet.Firstdeer
poop,andnowthebidet.IloveajobwhereIlearnnewthings.
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
102
Thegoodpartoftheindoorrefinishingtaskwasthatthesandingwasverylight,sowedidn'thaveto
wrestleanyotherbatteringramsthroughtheCorridorsofDoom.Thebadpart,though,wasthatthe
chemicalfumeswerethickandtoxic.Wemanagedtomakeitthroughthejobwithnomorethanheadaches
anddizziness,buteventhosesymptomsdidn'tgettoobadaslongaswegaveintooccasionalfitsof
vomiting.Onceagain,Imanagedtoavoidbreakinganything,andtomyeverlastinggratitude,Ifoundout
thatacertaintypeofwoodstaincaneasilybecleanedoffofacertainothertypeofmedium-shag,bright
orangesyntheticcarpet.Myonlyexcusefordrippingonthecarpetinthefirstplacewasthatitwashardto
seeexactlywhereIwaspaintingwhenmytunnelvisionwentblurry.
Whenweweredonewiththerejuvenation,allofthewoodthroughoutthehousewasgorgeous,butI
wassotiredofworkingtherethatIcouldhavespitDutchoil.
***
Still,wewerenearlyhomefree.Theonlywoodlefttoaddresswastheoutsideofthefrontdoor,where
wewouldrehabilitatetheloose,discoloredpanels.Asitturnedout,ouremployerdidn'tevenwantthe
panelstightened,sowewouldn'thavetodoanyinvolvedreconstruction.Shejustwantedtohavethewood
rejuvenated,andthecolorevenedout.Iwasrelieved,andstillabitwoozyfromthechemicals,soIfailedto
adequatelyinhibitmybigfatmouthandsaid,"Youknow,whatthisdoorreallyneedsisoneofthose
knockerswiththedoorinitthatyoucanlookthrough."
Shethoughtitwasagreatidea.
Iwashappy,shewashappy…butJeffwasnothappy.Hewassmilingather,andscowlingatme.
WhatanidiotIam.
Wehadbeensoclose.
Wehadalmostescapedwithoutasingle,solitaryscot.
Ohwell.Whenitcomesrightdowntoit,Ihadtosaysomething.Ifwehadleftthathousewithoutat
leastmentioninghowbadlythefrontdoorneededthatknocker,Icouldneverhaveforgivenmyselfforthat
breachofprofessionalethics.
Well,notreallyforgiven.
Okay,notsoon.
***
Allrighteverybody,nowisthetimetorememberthatthiswasnotjustanyolddoor;thiswasa
Blackhawkdoor.ItwaspartofaBlackhawkhouse.IthadaBlackhawkowner.
Itwas(relativetootherdoors)rareandvaluable.
ThemoreIthoughtaboutthis,themoreIworried.
AndIcouldn'tbackout.Wehadourfledglingreputationtomaintain.
Wehadorderedtheknockerfromthemanufacturer,soIhadanextraweektobalanceallofmy
worriesagainstechoingcounter-worries.
Icouldclearlypicturethejigsawgettingawayfromme,scarringitswaythroughseveralofthebeveled
panels(leavinguswithnowaytomatchthecolor,evenifwewereabletoreplacethepanelsthemselves).I
tookadeepbreath,andcalmedmyselfwiththethoughtthatIwouldsimplyuseahandsaw.
ThenIenvisionedthepanelssplittingandsplinteringunderthepressureofthehandsaw,soIZenned
myselfwiththoughtsofcarefullytakingmytimewithadelicate,fine-toothedJapanesecabinetrysaw.Those
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
103
bitewhenyoudrawthemtowardyou,ratherthanwhenyoupushthemawayfromyou,andtheirtooth
offsetisveryslight,sotheirbiteismorelikeagentlenibble.Iwouldn'tsaw;Iwouldpersuade.
Inthisway,everytimemybrainsplashedmewithoneofthesehorrifyingscenesofgarishcarpentry
mayhem,Iwouldcounterwithapracticalsolution.Iwasbalancingtheunrelentingdriveofmyhyperactive
dramaginationagainsttheforcefuldemandsofabrainwhoseworkethichasalwaysbeensettofive-and-aquarterclicksupwardsof"Protestant."
Icouldhandlethesemundanescenarioswellenough,butwhatifthediamondshatteredintoaheapof
worthlessfragments?WhatifIcuttheredwireinsteadofthebluewire,andthetimersuddenlystarted
tickingfuriouslytowardszero?HowmuchwoulditcosttoreconstructthedoorifIseverelydamageda
panel?Wouldweevenbeabletofindareplacementpanelwiththesameamountofweathering?
Whatifwejusthadtoout-and-outpayforawholenewdoor?
SonowyouknowwhyI'mnotasurgeon.
***
Thedayfinallyarrived,followedcloselybythehour,thentheminute,andfinallythemoment.I
strippedoffthewrappingandshowedeveryonemyknocker.(Forgiveme.)
Wehadtriedtoconvinceouremployerthatcastorwroughtironwithanicedarkpatinawouldbe
consistentwiththelookofthedoor,buttheknockershewantedwasbrightandbrassy.Itconsistedofa
fancyexteriorplatewithagrille,ahumbleinteriorplatewithadoor,andmuchtomydisgustwiththe
manufacturer,acheap-ass,squared-off,aluminumtubethatwouldgointothedoorbetweentheplates.
JeffandIbothtriedtoconvincehertoletusfabricateamatchingbrassboxtogoinsideofthe
knocker,butshewouldn'thearofit,sayingthatnoonewouldbelookinginthereanyway.Ireallydon't
knowwhatshethoughtthedoorontheknockerwasforotherthantolookthroughthere,butIjustshutup
(foronce)andwentoutsidetogettowork.
Istartedbyscoringadeeprectangleontheoutsideofthedoor.(Onpurpose.)Icarefullydrilleda
perfect,smallpilotholeinsidethecornerofthatscoring,andthenslowlyenlargedthatholeuntilitcould
acceptasmallsawblade.Gently,andwithconsiderableconcentration,Icutouttheoblongthatwouldhold
theknocker.
Asyouknow,thedoorwasmadefrombeveledpanelssandwichedtogether,sowhenIwasfinallydone
withthecut(andwasbreathingonceagain),theblockthatIhaddetachedfromtheexteriorpanelfellout
cleanlyonmyside.Ilightlytappedtheinteriorblockanditfellintothehouse,leavingbehindoneshort,fat
splinterofwoodonthefarlowerleftedgeofthehole.Allinall,Iwasrelievedthatthetaskwasgoingso
smoothly.Myworryinghadpaidoff,becauseIhadplannedforeverycontingency.AllIwouldhavetodo
wastogetridofthatlittlesplinter,andthenIcouldinsertthealuminumbox(pleh),andscrewtheknocker
intoplace.
Onetiny,precise,lasttap,andfinito!Nomoreriskofbreakinganything.Nomorechanceofour
companylosingfarmoremoneythanwehadearnedonthejob.Wewouldbehappy,ouremployerwould
behappy,andshewouldrecommendustoallofherrichfriends.Wewouldsoonbesuccessfulenoughthat
wecouldhiresubcontractorstoexperiencethisdiamond-cutter'sstressforus.
NotthatIwasallowingmyselftobedistractedbythesesortsofthoughts.Certainlynotatsucha
crucialmoment.
Withlovingpride,Iselectedmyfavoritewoodchisel,onethathadbelongedtomygrandfather.With
craftsmanlikeattentiontodetailIgracefullyangleditdownandtotheleft,throughtheholefromthe
outside.Ilightly,carefullychippedatthatfatsplinter.
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
104
Itdidn'tmoveatall,becauseIwasbeingsuchafearfulfeatherweight.Itoldmyselftostopbeingsuch
abigbaby,straightenedmyshoulders,andtappeditmanfully.
Thatwasit.Thefinalstroke.
WhatIhadn'tnoticed(frommyforeshortenedperspective)wasthatthesplinterwasactuallymorelike
awedge,andratherthanchiselingitawaycleanly,thelittlebastardremainedperverselyattachedtoathick,
eight-inchwoodendaggerthattoreofftheinsideofthe(rareandvaluable,asyounodoubtrecall)door.I
watchedthisflyingwedgeinaufgerissenenBauerntölpelverwunderungasittracedalow,smootharcthrough
Hell's(antiquity-lined)EntryHall,wentslidingicilyalongtheparquetfloor,andfinallycametoadignified
restagainstthefarwallwithanearlyinaudiblebling.Thistinynoisedislodgedflightsofwingédmoneybags
frommycondemnedbelfry.
***
Ihadbeensoclose,anditwasallgoneinoneeensy,weensytap.
Somuchforourbusiness.
Somuchforourlifesavings.
***
WhenIstartedtobreatheagain,Isawaglimmeroflightattheendofthetunnel.Actually,itwasjust
thelightshiningintotheentryhallfrombehindmyruefullyshakinghead.AsJeffkeptalookoutforour
employer,Idrapedacloththroughtheholetodisguisethewound,creepingintothehouseunderthe
balefulglareofherancestors'portraits.Retrievingthewoodendagger,Isnuckbackoutsideandsmoothed
offtheoffendingridge.Igluedthewedgebackontothedoor,clampingitinplacewithanal-retentive
wolverines.Finally,Iappliedseveralgenerouscoatsofprayer.
Aftertheprayerdried,therewasnovisibleseam.Infact,whenIscrewedtheknockerintoplace,the
fasciacoveredalmostallofthedaggeranyway.
Ihadre-nosedtheSphinx,butIstillhadtotellouremployerwhathappened,showherthenew
knocker,andexplainaboutthedamagedpanel.Tomygreatrelief,shedecidedthattherewasnowaytotell
wherethewedgehadpeeledoff,sosheletmeoffthehook.
SheforgaveusatleastinpartbecauseIhaddoneanicejobofrecoveringfromthedisaster,butI
thinkthatshestillfeltalittlebitbadaboutthechemicalpoisoning,andshewasalsothoroughlyrelieved
thatwehadcompletedourworkwithoutdomino-ingahallfulofstatuary.
Shewashappy,Jeffwashappy,andIwassohappythatIle-he-he-heftthehomerepairbusiness.
And,well,ok,justoncemore…butonlybecauseyouinsist:
Knockers.
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
105
ʃ IDoNotPledge ʅ
Thisisnotastorychapter,butitisshort,andisnotintroducedhereatrandom.Iwouldliketotalk
abouttheinfluenceofthechildontheadultthattheybecome,andhowthatinteractswiththesystemsof
rulesthatarisk-challengedchildmightrunacross(orperhapsintoathighspeed).
***
T
HEUNITEDSTATESOFAMERICAENFORCESASETOFLAWSthatdefineappropriatebehaviorforchildren.The
momentthatthesekidsbecomeoldenoughtochangethoselaws,thetrainingwheelscomeoff,anda
broadersetofadultlawstakesover.Inacountrythatadvertisesitselfasbeingdedicatedtoacitizen's
freedomofchoice,theseruleshelpthechildtolearnwhatthepenaltiesareforridingtheirpersonalrights
roughshodoversomeoneelse'sfreedoms.Currently,thissystemseemstobeworkingabout98%ofthetime,
giventhat2%ofourcitizensareinjail.
Ifanyonehasabetteridea,alotofpeoplearelistening.
TheUShasinstitutedsomefewgradationsintothissystemsothatthesplitbetweenchildandadultis
notquitesostrict.Childrengettoworkanddrive,withsomerestrictions,beforetheyreachtheagewhen
theycanvote.Well,okay,thesesortsofexceptionswerereallyputinplacefortheconvenienceofthe
adults,butlet'spretendthatthegrown-upswerebeingsociallyconscientious.Youwillnotice,however,that
thereisnosuchrampingupwhenitcomestovotingitself,whichseemsinconsistent.
Votingistheoneactivitythatmostclearlydefinesacitizen'sparticipationinarepresentative
governmentasenfranchisedadults,andyetwedon'tgivechildrenanypracticeatit.I'mnottalkingabout
sucheventsasvotinginschoolelections,becausethatdoesn'tchangeanyoftherulesthattrulydominate
theirlives.Thereshouldbeissuesaboutwhichpeopleareallowedtovotewhentheyareyoungerthanthe
currentageofmajority.Theyneedtobecomedisaffectedmuchearlierwiththewholeprocessofcasting
ineffectualvotes,sotheywon'tbesodisappointedwhentheydon'tgrowuptoberichenoughtobuyan
election.
AndiftheylearnearlyenoughtodespisethatfactofAmericanpolitics,thenmaybethey'llworkharder
tochangeit.
Iammakinganimplicitassumptionhere,anditwouldbebetterifweweretodiscussthatissue
explicitlybeforecontinuingwiththeremainderofthisessay.
Iamassumingthatsomeadultbehaviorispredicatedonwhattheylearnedasachild.
TheJesuitsaresaidtohaveamaximwhichgoessomethingalongthelinesof,"Givemeachildforthe
firstfewyears,andyoucandowhatyoulikewiththeadult."Therearemanyvariationsonthisquote,but
thatdoesn'treallymatterbecausetheJesuitshavenosuchsaying;infact,backin1586,theJesuit'sRatio
Studiorumsaidthatnochildshouldbeadmittedtotheirschoolsbeforetheageofseven,becausebefore
that,thechildneededananny,notateacher.ItwasB.F.Skinner(thein/famousbehavioralpsychologist)
whosaid,"Givemethechild,andyougivemetheadult."Asithappens,bothpositionshavesometruthto
them.
ʃIDoNotPledgeʅ
106
It'snotthatyoucan'toverthrowtheinfluencesofyourchildhood,butratherthatmostpeoplewon't
thinktotryinthefirstplace,whichmeansthatmanyearlyinfluencesremaininplacesimplybydefault.
Anyonewhoputsthoseprinciplesinplacewillhaveaheadstartoninfluencingtheconsequentadult,as
longasthatadultleadsanunexaminedlife;however,thoseadultswhodotrytochangetheirbehaviorwill
findthatsomethingsareeasytochange,whileotherscanonlybealteredthroughanenormouseffortof
will,ifatall.Asyoumightsuspect,somepeopleareuptothatchallenge,andothersarenot.Thequote
would,therefore,bemorerealisticifitwentasfollows,"Givemeachild,andmaybemyinfluencewilllast.
Thenagain,maybenot.Butstill."Soyousee,peopletendtosupportthetwopolarizedpositionsofthis
argumentsimplybecausetheyprefertoquoteamoreelegantslogan(lazy-assedbastardsthattheyare).
Inshort,then,myimplicitassumptionisthatyoushouldbecarefulwithkidsandlearning,justincase.
Iamconcerned,forexample,withwhatourchildrenarelearningwhenwecreatelawstoforcethem
topledgetheirallegiancetotheflagoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica,andtotherepublic,forwhichit
stands,andsoon,whetherornotwemakethemsaythe"underGod"partthatwasaddedin1954.[Note1]I
amconcernedwhenweperformsocialexperimentsonourchildreninthebacklashofanti-Communistor
otherfundamentalistcampaignsofterror.Iamconcernedwhenpeopletalkaboutpassinglawstogovern
thedirectshapingofachild'sbeliefs,particularlyasameanstobonsaithefaith-baseddecisionsoftheadult
thattheywillbecome(whetherthosedecisionsarereligiousinnatureorotherwise).Ithinkthatouryoung
adultsshouldhavesomesayinthismatter,andthattheirinfluenceshouldbehandledfunctionallyas
participationinarealvote.(Well,asrealasanyvotegetsintheUS.)
Furthermore,Idon'tthinkthatanychildshouldbeforcedtomakeanoathofallegianceasaprice
paidtoattendpublicschool.Ithinkit'shorriblyilladvisedingeneraltoforcechildrentotakeoathsbefore
theyunderstandwhatthatactmeans,becauseyouwilltrivializeittothepointwherethetakingofanoathis
nothingtothemwhentheyareoldenoughtounderstand.Oathsarelikeprayers,voting,truth-telling,or
actsofother-centeredbehavior,inthatyoucan'tmakesomeonebelievethattheyaremeaningfulandworth
theirhighregardjustbyforcingthemtoengageinrote,formal,emptyversionsofthem.Onthecontrary,all
youwilldoisingrainthesenseofmeaninglessness.
TheFoundersofourcountrywerefamiliarwiththatprocessoftrivializationbyformalworship,and
theywenttogreatlengthstoseparatetheUSfromthosesystemsthathadbecomemeaninglessintheir
adherencetotheLetterratherthantheSpirit.
SometimestheUSisdescribedashavingbeencreatedwithaclearseparationbetweenchurchand
state,butthatwasjustoneinstantiationofabroader,moregeneralprincipleofnoninterference,ofwhich
ourFounderswereterriblyfond.Theylovedthis"independence"morethantheirlives.Amongotherthings,
theydidn'twanttheUStosufferthesamesortsofcivilwarsthathadplaguedBritainforsomanyhundreds
ofyears.Theyrefusedtoexecutepeopleonthebasisofreligiousallegiance.Theywouldnotlockpeopleup
forfailuretoworshipinthesamewayasthecurrentPresident,theirneighbors,ortheirteachersand
classmates.Theywouldnotevenforceawitnesstoswearincourt,ifthatperson'sreligionwouldhavethem
makeanaffirmationinstead.Inshort,ourlawswouldgovernactions,notbeliefs.
Idon'tknowwhyIknowthat,orwhereIlearnedit,orwhenIfirstwroteit,soIferventlyhopethatI
didn'tstealit.Regardless,it'strue.
Ialsodon'tknowwhenitbecamemoreimportanttosomeparentsthattheirchildren(andeveryone
else's)saycertainwordswhetherornottheybelievethem.AndIdon'tknowwhenthosepeoplestartedto
thinkthatthosechildrenwouldn'tgrowuptofigureouthowtheyhadbeenusedaspawnsintheseadult
ego-basedtantrums.Whatisparticularlygrotesqueisthatsomepeopledorecognizethattheyhadbeen
subjectedtobrain(andheart)washingbytheirparents,understandthatitwaswrong,andyettheydoitto
theirchildrenanyway.
Becausethesekidswillfigureoutwhatyouwerereallyuptowhenyouthoughtitsoundedsogoodto
talkaboutyourconcernforthechildren'swelfareandsoon,asifthatwerethepure,selfless,andonly
motiverattlingaroundinyoursociopoliticalbraincase.
ʃIDoNotPledgeʅ
107
Imean,childrenwillsometimestrytouseexcuseswithyou,orgiveyouexplanationsfortheirmotives,
withoutrealizingjusthoweasilyyoucanseethroughtothetruth.Andthentheyaremystifiedastohow
youcouldtellsoeasilythattheywerebeinglessthanhonest.Theydon'tfullyrealizethatyoucanrecognize
theiruntruthsfromyourownchildhoodexperiencewithfailingtogetawaywiththesamestupidexcuses(or
perhapsevenworseones).Well,that'swhat'sgoingtohappenwhenyourkidsgrowup,ifbythenyou
haven'tfiguredouthowtobeentirelyhonestaboutyourrealmotives.Theywillbeabletoseethroughyou
becausetheywillhavehadalifetimetogettoknowwhoyoureallyare.
Don'tbeequallymystified,then,whenyoutrytouseyourgrand-soundingargumentstohideyour
essentialnarcissism,onlytohearyourkidssay,"Whodoyouthinkyou'retryingtofool?Doyoureallythink
thatyou'vebeenabletohideyourbasicegomaniafordecadesbehindabunchofprettywords?Iamnot
interestedinyourargumentsanymore,yousimplydon'thavetocontroltheTVremoteallthetime.Just
giveitupandrelax;it'ssomeoneelse'sturn."There'ssimplynowaytosuccessfullyusethesamelieswith
peoplewhohavelivedwithyoufortwentyorthirtyyears.Well,okay,maybewiththeadultsbecausethey
cangetstuckinarut,butnotwiththekidsastheygrowup.Atsomepoint,they'llhaveseenyouatyour
worst.They'llknowthattherealreasonthatyouwantedtoforcethepledgeonallofthechildrenhad
everythingtodowithyou,andnothingtodowiththem.Andiftheyfailtocallyouonit,andkeep
humoringyoualong,it'sonlybecausetheydon'twanttohurtyou.Soyou'llbemanipulatingtheirlovefor
yourownselfishgain.
LikeIsaid,youhavetobecareful,justincase.Yourkidsarelearningallthetime,witheverythingyou
do.
Soshameonyou.(Well,okay,onceagain,perhapsnotonyou,sinceyouwouldabsolutelyneverdo
anythinglikethis,butcertainlyonthosepeopleoverthere.)
Somaybeit'stimetogivethechildrensomesortofinfluenceonanyvotethatdetermineswhetheror
nottheyhavetotakeanoatheveryday(totheirowngodortosomeoneelse's)beforebeingallowedtostay
inschool.
Maybetheyaren'tinterestedinsellingyourflags.
Maybetheyaren'tasinvestedinyouregoasyouare.
Maybetheyjustwanttogetonwithitandwiresomethingtohousecurrent.
NOTES
Note1:Theoriginalpledge(1892)wasonlypartofamarketingcampaigntoincreasethesaleofone
company'smagazinesubscriptions(astheysoldflagstoschoolsasapremium),anditwent,"Ipledge
allegiancetomyFlagandtherepublicforwhichitstands,onenationindivisible,withlibertyandjusticefor
all."Theimportantpart,then,wasgettingthecustomertopledgetheirallegiancetotheflagitself,which
theyhadpurchasedfromthisspecificcompany.(Nicebitofidolatrythere,no?)Theoriginal"heil-style"
salutethatthecompanyhadgottentheircustomerstouseintheschoolswaschangedtothehand-overheartgestureonlyafterfascistsandNazisstartedtousetheirownraised-armsalute.[Back]
ʃIDoNotPledgeʅ
108
ʃ AProcessofElimination ʅ
O
NEFINEDAYIWASBACKINTHEREPAIRLAB,merrilyspillingthegutsofa¾-inchVCRacrossthebenchin
frontofme,whenanoddthoughtcrossedmymind(stapledtothechickentryingtogettotheother
side):Iwasenjoyingmyself.Iturnedthatnotionover,examineditcloselyfromallsides,andpokedit
curiouslyinthebladder:therewasnoescapingit,Iwasactuallyhappyinmywork.Irealizedthatthiswas
not,infact,just"onefineday"afterall,butratheroneofanumberofsuchfinedays.Itwasanunfamiliar
butpleasantsensation.
Mycontentmentarosefrommorethanthemildeuphoriayougetfromprolongedexposuretovolatile
audiovisualrepairchemicals;youknowthekindofsmellsImean,thatcheerfulcocktailrisingfromacetone,
lithiumgrease,isopropylalcohol,liquidgraphite,siliconoil,metaldust,andburntelectricity.Iwashavinga
wonderfultimediggingaroundinthatmyrioramicelectromechanoscape,burieduptomyelbowsin
neopreneo-rings,copper-and-feltclutchbands,cylindricalbearings,brassandplasticgears,clicketylittle
microswitches,andofcoursethatfriendlylittleplagueofmetricPhillipsscrews.Thiswasauniversein
whichIfeltcomfy-cozy…exceptperhapsforthoserareelectrifyingmomentswhenIwouldbrushupagainst
atransistorcaseandsendajillionvoltszishingthroughmyarm.Butotherthanthat,Iwascomfortableand
happy.
Tomakemattersevenbetter,Iwasworkingwithpeoplewhowere,onthewhole,funny,competent,
patient,andaboveall,rarelycrabby.Ilearnedalotfromthem.
Andevenwhenitcametodealingwithmembersofthefaculty,Imustsaythatalmostallofthemwere
clearabouttheirAVrequirements,anditwasapleasuretohelpthemwithwhatevertheyneeded.Even
whentheequipmentbrokedown,mostofthemstilltendedtoexhibitsomeamountofgracewhileIfixedthe
problem.Ajitteryfilmtobesteadiedhere,aconcerttoberecordedthere,andvideocamerastobesetup
somewhereelse…itwasallverystraightforward.
Yes,Iwashappyworkingwiththemachines,andIwashappywiththestaffandthefaculty…except
foreveryrarenowandagain,asIsaid,whenIwouldbrushupagainstatransistorcase.
Letmetellyouaboutoneofthosetimes,involvingtwosuchcases.
***
Ononeofthosefinedaysmentionedabove,mypleasantreveriewasdisturbedbytheMediaCheckout
Guy(MCG),whoseforefingerwaspointedlymenacingmyshoulder."Hey…you,"heprodded,"there'sa
teacheroutherewho'shavingsomesortadealwithhistape."Thecrackingofhisgumlenthimanostalgic
auraofold-timeradiostatic.
Iresignedlystartedputtingawayacetoneandswabs,becausethisfamiliarjabsignaledthebeginning
ofanequallyfamiliarprocessofnegotiation:Iwouldtrytofindoutwhatwaswrong,andhewouldtryto
keepfromtellingme.
Tobehonest,Idon'tthinkthathewasreallytryingtobeapain,hewasjust"kindoflikethat."Imean,
anyonecanbeobtusenowandagain,andtherearetimeswhenI,assomeonewhoappreciatesthefiner
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
109
shadesofambiguity,willpretendtomisunderstand,butonlyforthesakeofbeingfunny.Really.WhenIdo
it,it'scute.Askanybody.
SotheMCGwasn'tevil'splaything.Nottruly.Hesimplyfounditsodifficulttoexpresshimselfin
sufficientdetailthatitwaseasierforhimtoworkontheassumptionthatthoseaspectswerealreadyclearto
everybodyelse.(Idon'tknow;maybeitwasjustme.)
Withthatdynamicinmind,Idovecautiouslyintothecurrentoftheconversation,asking,"What'sthe
guy'sproblem?"
"Idunno,"heshrugged.
"Youdidn'task,orhewasn'tclear."
"Yeah."
"Whichone?"
"Hesaidsomethingaboutblack-and-white."
"Okay,"Isurrendered,"whereishenow?"
Hepointedbackoverhisshoulderthroughthedoorway,butasitturnedout,theteacherwasnot
outsidethedoor.Healsowasn'tacrosstheroomatthecheckoutcounter,oranywhereelsewithinview.The
MCGfollowedmeasIwalkedaroundtheMediaCenter,lookingforanyonewhoseemedtobeinneedof
help,butIdidn'tseeanyteachers.Igaveup,turnedaround,andmadetheuniversaleyebrows-and-palmsupgesturefor"where?"
There'ssomethingtobesaidfornonverbalcommunication.
HenoddedheavilytowardthedooroftheViewingRoomontheothersideoftheAVCenter,scowling
darklyatmebecauseheknewwheretheteacherwas,soobviouslyIwasjustbeingdifficult.
Fine.Letitbemyfault.HowwasItoknowthattheMCGwasatelepath?
Hisquestatanend,hejabbedmeintheshouldertosignalhisdeparture,andwithasullensnorthe
lumberedoffsasquatchily(moodwise,atanyrate).
Atleasthispartinthiswholeprocesswasover,andIwouldn'thavetodealwithhimanymore.
IopenedthedoortotheViewingRoom,andadjustedslowlytothedim,flickeredblack-and-white
lighting.ItriedtofocusonaslightsilhouettenexttotheTV,becauseitwaspeevingatme,"Mustwesuffer
alloftheseinsufferableinterruptions?"(No,I'mnotmakingthatup.)
SwearingtelepathicallyattheMCG,Iretreated,"No,no,notatall…justthoughtyouhada'black-andwhiteproblem.'Sorryfortheinterruption.Ifyou'lljustexcuseme."
"Wait!Comeback!Ithoughtyouwereoneofthose…those…ohyouknow,thosewhaddayacallems.
WellnevermindwhatIthoughtyouwere.We'vegotadisasterhere.Lookatthis,"asheVanna-edhisarm
acrossthescreen.Onthebrightside,Inoticedthathespokeinmynativelanguage:Italics."HowcanI
lectureaboutfashionwithoutcolor?"Models(ofthenot-so-supervariety)werecat-walkinginshadesofgrey.
IbroughtthelightsupandsearchedtheTVforcoloradjustmentknobs.Ididathorough,professional
joboffailingtofindaryaone.("Aryaone"isaversionof"everaone"hailingfromtheearly1800s,similar
to"naryaone,"anditmeansthatIfoundbuggerall."Buggerall"meansthatIdidn'tfindany.)Withthis
damningevidencetohandIwasabletocometoastartlingconclusion,theacuityofwhichwouldmarkme
asageniusinanyBronzeAgeculture."This,"Iopinedastutely,"isnotacolorset."("That,"mybrainquoted
theoldpunchlineatme,"isnotmydog.")
Theteacherbreatheddeeply,once,intothepalmofhishand,anditoccurredtomethatwenowhad
acommonenemy:theMCG.
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
110
"C'mon,"Iofferedinacomradelyfashion,"Let'sgogetthisstraightenedout."Ilovechampioningthe
downtrodden.It'sfun.Yougettorideahighhorseandeverything.Inthiscase,Irodeouttothecheckout
counter,teacherintow.
Attheveryleast,despiteourdifficultiesincommunicating,IknewthatIcouldcountonthefactthat
theMCGandIwouldbothholdonepieceofinformationincommon,namelythattherewasaparticular
colormonitorthatwasdedicatedtotheViewingRoom,andthatthisspecificmonitorshouldhavebeenin
there.Infact,theMCGhadlecturedmeatlengthabouthowthatmonitorwasnever,ever,underany
circumstanceswhatsoever,toberemovedfromtheViewingRoom.AndIknewthatitwasn'tbeingfixed,
becausemybosswastheonewhowouldhavebeenrepairingit.
Thistime,theMCGcouldassumethatIalreadyknewsomething,andhewouldberight.
Thissituationwouldbeeasytodealwith.
Withthatoptimisticmindset,InicelytoldtheMCG,"Someonetookthecolormonitoroutofthe
ViewingRoom."
"Yeah.Imovedit."
Ajillionvoltsreallywakesyouup."Why?"
Henoddedtowardstheteacherbehindme,"Becausehesigneduptoshowatape."
"Ablack-and-whitetape?"
"No."
"No?Butyouassumeditwasblack-and-white?"
"Well,hedidn'tsay."
Thiswasgettingbad,"Thenwhydidyouputinablack-and-whitemonitor?"
"Justforincase."
"Justforincaseofwhat?"("Famine,fire,flood,foe?"mybrainoffered.)
"Justforincaseitwasblack-and-white."
"Butwhatifheneededcolor?"
"Thenheshould'veaskedforit."
Hewastryingtotrickmybrain.Hewastryingtogetmetoignoretherealissue,maybenot
maliciously,butattheveryleasthewasnurturingaverycunningignorance.Yousee,itwouldhavebeenall
tootemptingtobelulledintothinkingsomethingalongthelinesof,"Hey,shouldn'tcolorbethedefault?
Shouldn'tyougetcolorunlessyouaskforblack-and-white?"Buthere'sthetwist:whatyourbrainreally
shouldbethinkingis,"Hey,waitasec,acolorsetwillshowblack-and-whitetapeswithoutaproblem,so
whydoweneedtogetoutablack-and-whitemonitorforblack-and-whitetapes?"
Attimeslikethese,Ihavetoscrewmyeyesshuttightlytokeepmoreinformationfromcomingin
whileI'mstilltryingtogetthecurrentmesssortedout.Themessierthesituation,thetighterIhavetomake
thebarrier.Inthiscase,Iwaspushingtheheelsofmyhandsintomyeyesockets.Don'taskmewhymy
brainseemstothinkthatthiswillhelpatall,butitisfirmlyconvincedofthenecessity.
"Okay,look,"Ihazarded,holdingmyeyeballsinplace,"let'sjustgetthisfixed.Thisguyhasacolor
tapetoshow,socouldwejustswapouttheblack-and-whitemonitorforthecolorone…youknow,theone
thatyoutoldmewasnever,eversupposedtobetakenoutofthere?"Anddamnmeanyway.Ihadstartedoff
sowell,butIjusthadtoletthatsnidecommentslipout,didn'tI?Sometimes,Iammyownworstenemy.All
Icoulddowaswinceandtrytorideoutthebacklash.
"Ididn'tsayitcouldn'tbetakenoutofthere."
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
111
"Yesyoudid!"Isqueakedmightily,handsflyingout."Justacoupleofdaysagoyouwentonandon
aboutit.Yousaid'never.'Yousaid'ever.'Youspray-painted'ViewingRoom'onthebezel!Yousaiditwasn't
toleavethatroom!"
"Well,yeah,exceptforwhenIneedblack-and-whiteinthere."
Icoveredmyeyesagainforamomentandprayed,swiftlyandsilently.Ithentriedagain,patiently,
delicately,evensweetly,placingmyhandspalm-downonthecountersothathecouldrestassuredthatI
waswieldingnoweapons,"Butthecolormonitorwillshowblack-and-white."Ifwecouldjustgetpastthis
onelittlepoint...
"Noitwon't.It'scolor."
Mybrainblewafuse.Ihadtriedtoavoidgettingintoit,butIwassuckedrightbackin,sunkbythe
weightofmyrighteousindignation.Myhandsandmyvoicebothstartedgoingup."Blackandwhiteare
colors!Acolorprogramjustlooksblack-and-whiteonablack-and-whiteset!Millionsofpeoplestillwatch
colorshowsontheiroldblack-and-whiteTVs.TheyjustLOOKblack-and-white!"Icollapsedacrossthe
counter,makinganefforttodrawinacoupleofdeepbreaths.Thatcalmedmedownjustenoughto
continuewithsomeresidualpoliteness,"Look,youcanshowacolortapeonablack-and-whiteset,andit
willstillshow,itwilljustlookblack-and-white."
"Buthedidn'taskforblack-and-white."
Yousee?AllIhadmanagedtodowithmylossofcontrolwastoconfusethepoorMCG.Ofcoursethe
teacherhadn'taskedforblack-and-white:itwasacolortape!Thatpartwassupposedtobeclear!TheMCG
wasreallylostnow,somuchsothathewassuddenlytryingtohaveacompletelydifferentargument!
Okay,okay,enoughwiththeexclamatorycommentary(…expialidocious).Thepointis,Ihadonlymade
theproblemworsebygettingupset.
Ishouldlearntogiveupandfixthesymptom,withouttryingtocurethedisease,butItellmyselfthat
ifIcouldjusttreatthediseaseitself,thenIwouldnolongerhavetofacethesamesymptomsoverandover
andover.Incaseslikethis,though,Ishouldn'tlistentomyself.Thediseaseistoopowerful.SoIgaveupand
wentforthesymptom.
"Fine.Fine.Fine.Look.Justputacolorsetintheviewingroom,willyou?Color?Now?Yes?Good.
Great.Fine.Iwillleaveyoutoworkoutthedetails."Imassagedmytemplesonthewaybacktotherepair
room,whereIwrappedmyheadinseverallayersofducttapeandclampeditfirmlyinavise.Ahhhh…
Butthispeacefulinterludewasnottolast.Justafewminuteslater,boththeMCGandtheteacher
wereatmydoor.Ithadbecomeaconspiracy.
TheMCGpokedmeintheshoulder,saying,"It'sstillblack-and-white."
"Andit'sacolortape?"Iasked,evidentlyhopingforabuse.
Theteacherinsisted,"Ofcourseit'sacolortape;I'mnotstyew-pid."
"Okay,okay,let'stryadjustingtheset."
Asitturnedout,noamountofadjustmenttothecolorsetwouldbringoutthecolorinthatpicture.
"Andyou'veshownthistapebefore?"Iaskedtheteacher.
"Yes."
"Incolor?"
"Yes!"
"Alright,alright,justasking."
SoIswappedoutthefirstcolorsetforanotherone,andstill,noamountofadjustmentwouldcolorize
theirchi-chifashionworld.
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
112
Atthatpoint,itoccurredtomethatitwasfar,farbeyondtimetocheckthevideotape.
Bysheerforceofwill,IherdedtheMCGovertotheVCRroom,draggingtheteacheralonginour
wake.TheMCGpoppedoutthetape,glancedatit,handedittome,andrushedoff.Istaredatthetapefor
amoment,andthensaidtotheteacher,"You'veshownthistapebefore?"
"Yes."
"Thistapehere?"
"Yes!Yes!"
"You'reabsolutelysure?Anditwasincolor?"
"Well…maybenotthisexactone,butotherfashiontapes,andtheywereincolor."
Zish!IcouldfeelKermitcreepingupbehindmyeyeballsagain,preparingtoflailmyarmsintheair,
butIkepthimsubdued,holdingthetapesothattheteacherandIcouldbothseeitsface,pointingfor
clarity,"Youseewhatthissayshere?Thissays'b/w'forblack-and-white,andthissays'color'.Theselittlebox
thingiesnexttothenamesarecheckboxes.Andthis,"Ipointedtriumphantly,"isan'x'inthecheckboxnext
to'b/w',whichmeansthatthisisablack-and-whitetape!"Onceagain,logicwastriumphant,andmygenius
knewnobounds.
"No,no,"heinsisted."Yousee,it'saprocessofelimination;theblack-and-whiteboxiscrossedoff,so
it'scolor."
Kermitburstforth,nolongertobedeniedhissay,"No,no,no,no,nooooo!Thatdoesnotmeancolor!
HowdoyoutakeamultiplechoiceTEST?Doyoucrossoffalltheanswersexceptfortheoneyouwant?Hey!
Comebackhere!I'mnotdoneyet!I'llshowyouaprocessofelimination…"
Ihadalotmorelefttosay,butasitturnsout,theMCGhadhadthepresenceofmind(orfunctional
substitute)toalertaratherburlyco-workertothepotentialdangerofthesituation,anditwasatthatvery
momentthatIfoundmyselfbeinggentlybutirresistiblybelly-buckedoutoftheroom.Atthetime,Iwas
aboutsix-twoandmaybe160pounds,soIhadnobellywithwhichtobuckinmyowndefense.(Ihavesince
takencareofthatlittleproblem.)Sometimes,life'snotfair,butIsupposethathemeantwell.
Forseveralminutesthereafter,muchtotheamusementofothers,allIcoulddowasliedownonthe
flooroftheAVroom,clutchingmyheadandgroaning,"Black-and-white.Itwasblack-and-white.Iaskedhim
ifitwasblack-and-white,buthesaiditwascolor.Wasitcolor?No,itwasn'tcolor.Itwasblack-and-white…"
andotherthingsofthatnature.Iamgiventounderstandthatelectricshocktherapywilldothattoyou.
Infact,tothisday,wheneverIseeanunrollingdownhill,Ishrieklikebadbrakesandfaintdead
away.
Now,whatdoesthisstoryteachus?Well,I'maWinter,andIusedtobeabletopulloffablack-andwhiteensemblelikenobody'sdamnbusiness,butnowIcan'twearatuxedowithoutriskingflashbacks.
See?There'sasimpleexplanationforeverything.It'sallasplainas…nevermind.
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
113
ʃ GrahamGreene ʅ
H
EJUSTKEPTSTARINGATME,andIcouldnotfigureoutwhy.HadIdonesomethingwrong?Didhethinkhe
knewme?Washeplanningtograbmynuts?Therewerebagsandbagsofthemonthecounter,so
probablynot.AndIwasprettysurehedidn'twanttodance,atleastnotintheAirCanadaFrequentFlyer
lounge.Sowhatwasthematter?
Willcelebritiesneverlearnthatwemundanefolkdon'tliketobegawkedat?
***
Yes,you'reright,atfirstitwasnobigdeal.MybosshadshownhisIDatthereceptiondeskandthen
nudgedmeintheribswhilehissingconspiratorially,"Seewho'sstandingoverthere?It'sGrahamGreene."
(Thethingis,thismansoundedjustenoughlikePeterLorretomakewhisperinganedgychoiceevenatthe
bestoftimes.)Tryingnottobetooimpolite,IdartedaglanceinMr.Greene'sdirectiononlytocatchhim
staringrightatme.Afteraninstantofshock(andagaze-avertingreflex)theouterlayersofmybrainsaid,
"Relaxyouidiot,hewasn'tstaringatyou.Itwasjustacoincidence,"butthereptilianchunksslitheredin
with,"Thehellhewasn'tstaringatyou;infact,he'sstillstaringatyou."Thatthoughtmadethebackofmy
headfeelfunny,soIhadtotakeonemorequickpeekjusttomakesurehewasn'treallystaringatme…but
hewas.Itooktheonlyhonorablecourseofactionlefttome:Icroucheddowntofiddlewithmybag,hiding
behindthecounter.
Whydopeoplefeelcompelledtolookatcertainthings?Aretheyafraidofthem?I'veheardthatafrog
willstareintentlyataninfinitesimallyunusualreed,justtomakeabsolutelysureitisn'taheron.Idon't
knowwhofiguredthatout,butIstartedoutasafrogandendedupasareed.Iguesstheruleisthatyou
don'ttakeyoureyesoffofanythingthatmightspear/swallow/ingestyouwhenyou'renotlooking.
ButmyglancingoveratMr.Greenehadn'tstartedoutasafearresponse;itwasmuchmorelikea
mildlyreverentcuriosity.Itwouldmakesurvivalsenseforpeopletopaycloseattentiontosuccessful
membersoftheirsociety,butthenagainI'vefeltthesamethingwhenwatchingaDuesenbergTorpedo
Phaetondriveby,orwhenstayinguplatetowatchalunareclipse.Mybrainevidentlyfindsraritytobe
fascinating(alongthelinesof'fascinum',abewitchmentorevilspell);inMr.Greene'scase,hisraritylayin
bothhistalentandhisproximity,andmyreflexwasinfactoneoffascination.
ButevenatthatIhadatleasttriedtobecircumspect,becauseIfeelthatjustlikeeveryoneelse,public
personsdeservetobetreatedwithrespectfortheirprivacyinthecourseofthemundaneportionsoftheir
lives,suchaswhenwashingtheirhands,playingwiththeirkids,orwaitingforaplane.
Thethingis,Iknowfrompersonalexperiencethatbeingfascinatingisn'tallthatit'scrackeduptobe.
Ihaveacavernoushemangiomainmythroat,andwheneverIgotoanewdentistI'msubjectedtothesame
oldscript,"Hey,everybody,cometakealookatthisthinginthisguy'sthroat;it'sreallyweird!Oh…you
don'tmindustreatingyoulikeafreakofnature,doyou?"Yousee,it'snotsoglamorouswhenyourealize
thatpeoplealsothinkthatroadkillisfascinating.
Socelebritiesattractattentionbecausehumansadmirerarity,andwestareforconfirmation.
ʃGrahamGreeneʅ
114
ButasfarasIcouldtell,Iwasn'trare,talented,shiny,uniquelyconfigured,ordecayingonthesideof
theroad,sowhatwasMr.Greenetryingtoconfirm?DidIlookhungry?
Andworstofall,whatifheendedupsittingbehindmeontheplane?
Yeeg.
***
Well,Icouldn'tkeephidingbecausemybosshadfinishedcheckingin,soIgatheredmycourage,
stoodupfrombehindthecounter,andmuchtomyrelief,Mr.Greenehadleftthereceptionarea.Iwas
prettysurethatIhadjustcaughtthebackofhisheadpassingoutofsighttotheright,downthehallway
leadingtothemen'sroom.Justtomakesure(anddangmeanywayforafool),Itookalookovermy
shoulderasIwaswalkingpastthehallway…andhewasstandingrightthere,staringatmeagainasI
walkedby!
Criminitlies!Whatwaswiththisguy!
Isnappedmyeyesforward(ouch),andrealizedthatIhadnoideawhetherhewasfollowingmeorhad
decidedtocontinueonintothemen'sroom.
Andwasn'thehostingsomespookyTVshoworother?Maybeallthatstrangenesswasgettingtohim.
Itwascertainlygettingtome.
Iworriedalittlelongerthendecidedthattherewasnothingtodobutactasifeverythingwere
normal…well,asnormalasitcanbewhensomecelebrityorotherwon'tstopstaringatyou.
Asyoucansee,myparticularbrandofsurrenderisn'tthekindwhereyouactuallygettogiveupand
letgo.It'smorelikethekindwhereyoustoptryingtokeepfromgivingup,andyoujustgoaheadandlive
withthingsbeingweird.
SomybossandIfoundaplacetositdownthentookturnsguardingourbagswhiletheotherwentto
gethisdrinksandsnacks.Aftersomeinconsequentialchatter,heaskedme(inamannerwhichIstillthink
wasunnecessarilycreepy),"WhydoesGrahamGreenekeepstaringandstaringatyoulikethat?"(Imean,he
wasreallyturningtheknobuponthewholeLorrething.)
Ifoughtofftheurgetolookbehindme,"Areyousurehe'snotlookingatyou,ormaybeatsomebody
overthere?"
"No,no,no,"hiseyeswidened,"I'msureofit.Hewasstaringatyouthewholetimeyouweregetting
yourpop.(TheysayweirdstufflikethatinCanada.Pop.)Hewatchedyouallthewayover,andalltheway
back.Didn'tyouseehim?"
"Noway!Infact,I'vebeendoingmydamnedestnottolookanywherenearhim,eversinceyoufirst
pointedhimout.Ishestilllookingatme?"
"Yesssss.Icanseehimfromthecornerofmyeye.He'sstaringrightatthebackofyourhead.Hekeeps
makinghiseyestiny."
"Areyouputtingmeon?"
"Notatall.Lookforyourself."
Bythattime,Icouldn'tstanditanylonger.Ijusthadtoknow.
Iwasastudyinsubtlety.IcasuallystretchedsoIcouldlookaround,firstpeeringwayovertomyleft,
andthencraningwayovertomyright,andfinallyactinglikeIhadtogetthekinksoutofmyneck,soI
couldtakealookrightbehindme.Sureenough,hehadtakenaseatnearthewall,andhadturnedhischair
sohecouldsitjustalittlebitsidewaysandaimrightinmydirection.Iresumedmyposition,"Oh,man.
Whyme?"
ʃGrahamGreeneʅ
115
"Don'tworryaboutit.Heprobablythinksyou'refamous,ormaybehewondersifyou'renative.I'm
surehe'snotmadatyou."
"MaybehethinksI'mshootingmindcontrolraysathishead."
"Whydon'tyouaskhim?Goon.Getitoverwith."
"Andsaywhat?'ExcusemeMr.Greene,butIcouldn'thelpbutnoticethatyou'vebeenstaringatme
allevening,andit'smakingmehot.'"
"Ohyes,thatwouldberude.It'smuchbettertohaveacrazymanontheplanewithus."
"Okay,okay.Givemeaminutetothinkupsomethingreasonable."
Mybosslookedathiswatch,"Itdoesn'tmatter;wehavetogocatchourflight."
AndMr.GrahamGreenesaidnothingashewatchedmewalkoutoftheloungeandoutofhislife.
Ungratefulbastard,afterallwehadmeanttoeachother!KnowinghimaswellasIdo,heprobablythinks
thatI'llcomecrawlingbacktohimsomeday.
Notme,baby!
Hecanjustfindsomeotherstrangertobetheobjectofhisinexplicableattentions.
Idon'tmisshim.
Notonebit.
Nosiree.
Hecankeephisprecioussecretstohimself.
Sigh.
ʃGrahamGreeneʅ
116
ʃ SharingaRide ʅ
E
DKLIMAINVITEDMETOATTENDAMEETINGOVERATTHESALKINSTITUTE,suggesting,"Maybewecouldsharea
ridebacktocampus."Now,Salkwasn'tallthatfaraway,andIcouldeasilyhavewalkedback,buthey,
aride'saride,soIsaiditsoundedlikeafineidea.
Fastforwarduntilrightafterthemeeting.EdwaschattingwithsomeoftheSalkresearchers,soI
startedtalkingwithmyfriendKaren.ShetoldmeIshoulduse"deficit"insteadof"debit"asanantonymfor
"benefit."Linguists…sheesh.
IkeptlookingoveratEdtomakesurethatIwouldbereadytogowheneverhewas,andhekept
lookingbackatmelike,"I'llbedoneinasec,andthenwe'llgo."Noproblem…theguywiththecarcallsthe
shots,right?Besides,Iwasn'tinanyhurry,andIfiguredthatIcouldalwayswalk.SoIkeptontalking.
Hefinallywalkedoverandsaidthatwe'dbettergetgoingsohewouldn'tbelateforhisnextclass.We
headedstraightoutthedoorandwalkedalongthebuildingtowardstheparkinglot,sidebyside.
Aswegotclosertothecurb,IslowedmypacesoIcouldfollowhimouttohiscar,andInoticedthat
hewasalsoslowingdown.I'mthinking,"He'stryingtorememberwhereheparked."Butitwasn'tallthat
bigaparkinglot.Didheforgetsomethinginside?SoIsloweddownalittlebitmore.
Justlikehedid.
Whichishowweendedupslowlygrindingtoascufflinghalt.
There'sthisneatlittlethingcalled"dawningrealization."It'slikeaslow-motionsurprise.Insight
infusestheface:thejawdrops,theeyebrowsgoup,andyouhearalongvowel,usuallysomethingalongthe
linesof"Ah…"or"Oh…"(andsometimes"Why").
"Ah…"saidEd.
"Oh…"Iagreed.
Thenwebegantosnickerlikeacoupleofidiots.
JustincaseI'mbeingobscure,letmegiveyoualittlebehind-the-scenespeekathowthisworksina
coupleofhighly-trained,complex,cognitive-linguist-typebrains:
ED'SBRAIN:"Ah…hewasplanningtowalk,notdrive,sohethoughtthatIwasofferingaride,
whenIwasaskingforone."
MYBRAIN:"Oh…hethoughtthatIwasgoingtodrive,notwalk,sohewasaskingforaride,
notofferingone…sheesh."
Therewasnooptionleftbuttofeelkindofstupid,andlaugh.
AndIwasvery,veryrelievedthathewaslaughing.
Ofcourse,whenitcomesrightdowntoit,Ididn'thavetoworrythathewouldmissthehumorinthe
absurdsituation.First,he'sjustahellofaniceguy.Second,heknowsallabouthowthissortofconfusion
occurs.Iwon'tboreyouwiththedetails,butpeopleworkfromsetsofassumptionsthatarefarmore
ʃSharingaRideʅ
117
differentfrompersontopersonthantheythinktheyare.Plusyouhavetofactoringoofiness.Infact,it's
amazingthatpeoplecommunicateaswellastheydo.Asmydadsays,"Communicationisn'tdifficult;it's
impossible."
Butdon'tworry.Edwasn'tlatetohisnextclass;hemanagedtogetaridebackfromoneoftheSalk
researchershewassleepingwith.
Relax.Theyweremarried.
Sheesh.
ʃSharingaRideʅ
118
ʃ TheoryPart ʅ
"Itisreallyquiteamazingbywhatmarginscompetentbutconservativescientistsandengineerscanmissthe
mark,whentheystartwiththepreconceivedideathatwhattheyareinvestigatingisimpossible."
—ArthurC.Clarke
"HazardsofProphecy:TheFailureofNerve"
ʃTheoryPartʅ
119
ʃ LosersKeepers ʅ
ThefollowingrepresentssomethingthatIusedtothinkaboutasakid(andasIgotolder)ifwewent
tostayatahotel.Itissimplydisguisedasashortstorytohelpbringouttheflavor.
***
I
NEVERTAKEMUCHFROMAGIVENPERSON…onlyeverjustonething.Itmightbeawatch(whichisofcourse
manypieces,butstillonlyonething),occasionallycashifI'mfeelinguninspired(maybeseveralbillsat
oneshot,butstilljustonemediumofvalue),andthentherearecertaindrugs(butstillonlyjustonebottleful
atatime).Sometimesit'sastretch,figuringoutjustonething(andofappropriatevalueaswell),butit
alwaysworksoutonewayoranother.
Naturally,itdependslargelyonwhat'savailable.Andovertimetherehavealwaysbeenoldreliables,
likejewelry,buttherearealsooccasionalsurprises(likethatwonderfulcomicbook).Andwhenitcomes
rightdowntoit,thefindermakesallthedifferenceintheworld;afterall,I(astheloseratthatpoint)rely
exclusivelyonwhatthefindervalues,andwhattheythinkofasjustonething…evenwhentheydon'tknow.
Surprisinglyfewpeoplearefinders,though,neverlookingaroundatall,muchlesspullingopenthe
treasuredrawer.So,yeah,plentyofpatience.There'salotoftimespentlisteningtotheTV.Ortothesex.
Orboth.Comparedtothesex,whichseemslikeit'sbeenaroundforever,theTVisamuchmorerecent
thing.Butnowit'severywhere.(Makesmewonderwhat'llbenext.)And,frankly,iftheydon'tlookaroundin
thefirstfewminutesit'savirtualguaranteethattheyneverwill,notfortheirentirestay.
Butthosefirstfewminutes?Puremagic.
Iliveforthosemoments,inhope.Howintense?Allinall,hardtosay,butyeah,ferventisn'tfaroff.
Sometimesit'sakidwhowantstocheckeverysingleswitchanddrawerintheplace,assoonasthe
dooropens.Feweradultsarelikethat,butstill,some…usuallytheoneswhohaven'ttraveledmuch,sothe
noveltyhasn'twornoff.It'salmostneverthehabitualtraveler,theoneswho'vegottenusedtonothingever
beinginhere(notevenaGideon).Prettyhighratewiththeparanoidsandcompulsives,though,particularly
thecleanfreaks…youknowwhatImean,strippingthecomforter,makingapathonthefloorwiththe
towels,andsoon.
Staffmembersandtheirfamiliesareineligible,asyouknow,sothedrawerremainshidden.Standsto
reason:onlyguestscanbefinders.Onceuponatime,quiteanelderlywoman,havingcometofeellikeno
morethanaguestinherownhome,receivedalovelysurpriseasshewanderedaboutherhousepoking
throughlong-forgottendrawersandreminiscing.Butjustthatonce.
Butnomatterwhoopensthedrawer,theunderstandingissuddenlythereforeveryoneintheroom,
clearandtrustworthy.Noquestioning.Fairisfair.Andbusinessisbusiness:lookthroughthetreasure;leave
itandlosenothing;buttakeit(anyorallofit)andlosejustonethingfromamongthepersonaltreasures
youbroughtintotheroom.Atsometimeinyourlifeofmychoosing.
Theloser-to-beisthekeeper,then,ofthesetakenpossessions,atleastuntilthereisafinderdownthe
road.Lessthegleaning,tobesure,whichgoeswithoutsaying(orratherwouldhave,but,youknow,I
rambleabitsinceIdon'thavecompanyveryoften…notthekindIcantalkwith,anyway).
ʃLosersKeepersʅ
120
SowhatwasIsaying?Ohyes.
Therearetheminorunderstandings,equallyclear,butarrayedinthebackground,thewhispered
subcognitivefineprint:ithastofit,thatonething…afterall,thedrawerisonlysobig.Bereasonable.
Andwitheveryexchange,Imoveon,andonward.Neveraround.Neveracross.Mostcertainlynever
back,norbackward.Andonlyinspace;clearly,movingunnaturallyintimewouldbedisturbing,notto
mentionunreasonable.
So,forexample…
Found:anenameledlipstickcase(newinthebox);afewhundreddollars'worthofalkaloid(unused);
$80intwenties(quitewellcirculated);aminiDV(recentlyshotintheroom);andassortedjewelry(ofvarious
agesandownerships,allofwhichsparklyitemstendtomakeexcellentbait).
Lost:oneratherlargegoldcrown(oldstyle,abused).
Oneguesttriedtogamethesystem,leavingthetreasureuntouchedonhisfirstvisit,onlytoreturn
soonthereafternaked,tencentsuphisnose(intheformofadime…makesyouwonder),confidentthathe
wasotherwisewithoutpossessionstobelostinexchange.Hefanciedhimselfacleverman(thatistosay,
thathewasone,notwantedone),somethingofanexpertinmysticalthings…and,whilecleverenoughat
thattime,liketherestofhiskindhewasmorejustahobbyist.Afan.
Found:thatcomicbook(whichhetook);asmall,unframedearlyPicasso(fake);oneenvelope
containingthreeuncutdiamonds(genuine);and,asusual,jewelry(mixed).
Lost:hiscleverness,twoyearslater,whenheneededitbadlyenoughtobalanceagainstthevalueof
whathefound.
Justso.
Ialwaystrytobegracious,andeminentlyfair,takingasgoodasIgive.
It'saliving.
Anyway,whenIhadtimetoreflectonhisloss(later,inanotherroom,tryingtoignorethesexandthe,
youknow,theTV)Iimaginedthatthisloserhadbegged,andwept,andperhapshadevendroppedadime
(inamannerofspeaking,orrathernotso).Iwasabletofeelforhim,havingoncepreviouslyfoundalost
signofcompassion.Idecidedthenthatthisparticulartreasure,thisempathy,wouldnotbemadeavailable
forfuturefinding.
Yousee,profitisoftenmarginal,whennotnegligible,albeitthehousealwaysekesoutawinover
time…justenoughtopayofftheinterest,plusabitoftheprincipal.Youknowhowitis.
What?Ohyes,Idoknowregret.Orisitremorse?Ihavelostthatdistinction.OrthinkIhave.
WhenIthink.Mercifully,Iamonlyawakewhenguestsareintheroom.
Andsometimesnotalwaysthen.
Anyway,thanksforlistening.It'snotoftenIcomeacrosssomeoneinourlineofwork.
Meetagain?Surething.IknowIcanfindthetime.
ʃLosersKeepersʅ
121
ʃ TheNewGenetics ʅ
E
VENTHOUGHITKICKEDUPALOTOFCONTROVERSYATTHETIME,mygenerationseemstohavesurvivedtheNew
Math.AsfarasIcantell,itrevolvedaroundamotivatedappealtosettheory(includingsomecolorful
goofingaroundwithVenndiagrams).Allinall,thepedagogicalchangeseemstohavedonesomegood.
Notcontenttoletsleepingdogslie(whichisanabsurdexpression,becausetheycan'teventalk),
someonehasdevelopedanevennewerNewMath,alsoknownasWholeMath(cousinoftheWhole
Languageprogram).Thenotionistoallowstudentstodiscovermathematicalprinciplesontheirown.After
all,Descartesdidit.Pascaldidit.(Eveneducatedfleasdidit,orsomethinglikeit,ifIrecallmyColePorter
correctly.)Sowhynothaveeverybodydoit,includinglittlekids?
ThemorethatIresearchedthisbreakthrough,themoreexcitedIbecameaboutthebreadthofthe
implications.Inaflash,itoccurredtomethatIcouldapplythesesamecommonsenseprinciplestomyown
educationandturnmyselfintoageneticist.Iimmediatelyfeltagreatsenseofurgency,becauseIcouldtell
thattheideawasinthewind,andIdidn'twantanyonetobreakitbeforeIdid.
Icouldthinkofnobettersubjectformygeneticanalysisthanmyself,givenmyreadyavailability,soI
putmyselfunderthemicroscope.IinviteyoutoaccompanymeonmyincrediblejourneythroughtheNew
Genetics.
(No,dammit,it'snotreallyastorychapter.)
***
Tobeginwith,letmeaskyouaquestion.Whenyouwereakid,didyoueverwonderifyouwere
adopted?
Notme,becauseIcouldtellthatIwasadapted.
I'mnotasmoothgeneticblend;I'machameleonicjuxtaposition.I'moneofthosepeoplewholooklike
whicheverparenthappenstobestandingclosestatanygiventime.Surroundmewithfamily,andIget
blurryandconfused.It'saphenotypicphenomenonIcalladaption.(Let'sgetsomethingstraight:Ihavea
doctorateinCognitiveScienceandLinguistics,anditcostmequiteabitoftimeandmoney,soifIsaythat
"adaption"isaword(andIdo)thenbygahfree(likewise)it'saword.Youonlythinkit'samistake.)
Familyphotosmadeitquiteclearthattheeggchosetodominatebonesandkeratin,leavingcartilage
andfleshtobemoldedbythesperm.Roughlyspeaking,thatleftmewithDad'sbodystretchedoverMom's
frame,hercheekbonesflankinghisnose,withherhaironhisskin.
Andthenthere'sGreat-granduncleLarry'seyebrows.Inhisyoungerdays,hewasanhonest-togoodnessstand-inforClarkGable.IguessIwasluckytoavoidhisears.Andfrankly,mydear,hecouldn't
careless.
Buthere'stheinterestingpart:forallIknow,IcouldhaveJohnHowland'shairline,HettyGreen's
supplespleen,andthesublimenipplesofDr.BenjaminRush.Yougottaadmit,noteveryonecanclaimthe
areolaeofasigneroftheDeclarationofIndependence.
Well,nothonestly.
ʃTheNewGeneticsʅ
122
***
HowdoIknowallthisstuff?Well,mymom'sadedicatedgenealogist,sowehadloadsofphotographs
toporeoverwhenIwasakid.Thesepicturesweren'thungonthewalls,framedonthemantle,orotherwise
displayedanywhereinthehouse;instead,theyweretuckedawayinalbums,orstackedinenvelopeswithin
shoeboxes,allarchivedinseveralbiggerboxes.
Itwastreasure.
Therewereloadsofsnapshotsandafewmovies,andoverthelastcoupleofdecadeswehaveadded
enoughvideotapetohostourownartsfestival.There'scolor,black-and-white,handtint,sepiatone,
tintype…Iseemtorecallthatthere'sevenacavepaintinghiddenintheresomewhere."Seethatred-ocherand-sootguywavinghisarmsaroundandstabbingthewoolymammoth?No,notthatone,thecrazyguy
overtherewiththesticklegsmakingbunnyearsbehindthatbleedingguy'shead.Yeah,thatone.That's
Fat-Og-no-like-fire.Youhavehiscalves."
Andwhenthereweren'tpictures,therewasotherdocumentaryevidence,likeBrown'sGenealogy,orold
Pilgrimlandcontracts."YoustartedoutwithfourancestorsontheMayflower,thenoneofthemfelloff(you
havehispropensityforaccidents),buthewasrescuedduetoanalertraisedbythewomanwhomarriedhim
andgavebirthtonumberfive...itwasalongtrip."
Ontopofallthis,mymomusedtotakemeandJefftothelocalmuseumwheresheworked."Seethat
goldpocketwatch?"shewouldsay,"Thatbelongedtoyourgrandmother'sfather.Andthatracingsulkyover
there?Thatcamefromyourgreat-grandfather'sranch.Thatmummy?That'sIret-netHor-irw,andhe'syour
great-great-something-or-other.Youhavehisslopedshoulders."
YouthinkI'mnotserious.
***
Now,muchlikeanew-worldmonkey,it'sallfineandgoodtofeelsecureaboutmyplaceinthetree,
butwhatIreallywanttoknowiswhereIgotmyfat.(Ihavebeencraftilyhoardingitaroundmywaistand
undermychin,becausecontemporaryscientificresearchsuggeststhatthiswillprovideanaturalbuffer
againstillhealthinmyoldage.I'vealsoheardgoodthingsaboutexercise,andIfullyintendtotrysome
soon.)WhileIstronglysuspectthatIcanpointarigidlyaccusingfingeratItaly,itwouldbenicetohave
somesortofcertifiedconfirmationofmysuspicions,likeataxstamp,justtoputmymindatease.
Icouldputthestampinoneofthealbums,mayberightnexttomygreat-grampa'sItalianpassport.
"What'sthisthing?"mygreat-grandkidswillask,andmyeldest(theirgrandmother)willsay,"Well,your
great-grampawasaniceguy,buthewasreallykindofanutcase.Yousee,hewantedtoknow,um,well,
wherehisfatcamefrom,yousee.It'skindofhardtoexplain.Maybeyou'dbetterjustreadhisbook…you
havehisforehead."
Thissortofspeculationisfun,butwecansettlethisissueonceandforallwithalittlescience.Fatisa
kindofflesh,sothespermrulesaysthatitmustcomefrommydad,whichisdoublyobviousifyoujustlook
atthetwoofustogether.Nowmydadgothisfatfromhismom'ssideofthefamily(becauseitcouldn'thave
comefromhisdad,whowas,liketheKingofSiam,"aspareman").GianLorenzoBerniniiswaybackalong
thatparticularbranchsomeplace(youknowwhoImean,thebaroquearchitectofSt.Peter'scathedral),soI
haveaprettygoodideaofwhatheusedtolooklike,especiallyfrombehind,becauseIprobablyhavehis
butt.
Anyway,thisallmeansthatmyfatcomesfromLiguria,aboveGenoa,bywayofEllisIsland.
Onesuspects,therefore,thatIwouldmakesuperbsalami.
***
ʃTheNewGeneticsʅ
123
Maybetoomuchsalami,though.WhenIdothemath,IcalculatethatbythetimeI'm100yearsold,
I'llweighnearly550pounds,andwithshrinkageI'llbejustabout3.25feettall.That'saround14poundsper
inch.
Scoffifyoulike,butnumbersdon'tlie.
Don'tbelieveme?It'snotthathardtoprove,justalittleboring.
Tobeginwith,myfathadtocomefromoverseas(andgetthroughcustoms),whichmustbewhyithad
alittletroublefindingmewhenIwasstillakid.Iwas100poundsinseventhgrade,thenIatelikeamad
fiendforsixyears,andgraduatedhighschoolatawhopping140.Atthetime,therewasplentyofroomfor
thisnewweighttodistributeitself,becauseIwassix-two.
Rightonthroughcollege,Icontinuedtodevoureverythinginsight,andwasfoundbyanotherfive
wholepoundsayear.Problemwas,Iforgottokeepgettingtaller.
Overtime,relativepovertyslowedmyphenomenalgrowthratedowntolessthanameaslythree
poundsayear,andin1992Iactuallyhitaplateauatone-ninety.
Fascinating,Iknow,butbearwithme.We'recomingtotheclimaxhere.
Ifirstgotmarriedin1992.
Imovedeighttimesafterthat,but50poundsstilltrackedmedownoverthenexttenyears,which
meansthatIwasbacktomynormalrate.
Butgainingweight'snotreallytheproblem.Lastyear,Ishrunkbyhalfaninch.
SolikeIsaid,atthisrate,whenI'm100yearsold,Iwon'tbeabletoreachthehighshelvesanymore.
Talkaboutbeingscaredstraight.AssoonasIfiguredoutthiswholedynamic,IknewthatIhadto
takeaction.Iranrightout(okay,droverightout)andpickedupacopyofTomArnold'sautobiography,
HowILostFivePoundsinSixYears.(Yes,Tom,IwasthatsalesspikeinJuneof2003,nottoolongbeforeI
startedthisexperiment.)
Ievenreadthebook.Itinspiredmetomakeachange.(Italsomademeextremelyhyperforseveral
hours.You'veheardofspeedreading?Hisbioislikereadingspeed.)
IfIcanjustkeepupwiththeTomArnoldWeight-lossPlan,thenbythetimeI'm100,I'llbeback
downtomypre-1992weight.
I'mnotsurewhatI'lldotokeepfromshrinking,butithasbeensuggestedthatI'mnotreallyshrinking
somuchasthatIsimplyhavelesshair(onmyhead).
Whichisanincrediblerelief.Ican'twaittogobald.AndImeanrealbald,notshavedbald.Yousee,
thewholeideaistomakethingssimpler:Nohairmeansnoneedforhaircuts.It'sonelessthingtoshampoo
inthemorning.Andwiththewholecancersurprisethinggoingon,IfoundoutthatIactuallyhavetheright
headshapeforbaldness.SonowIhavetheadvantageofthepreview.
Unfortunately,I'mnotgeneticallydestinedfortruebaldness.I'vegotmymom'sfather'shairline.I'm
stillworkingconscientiouslyonadistinguishedrecede,butIthinkthat'saboutallI'lleverbeableto
manageinthelongrun.Ijusthavetoomuchelsegoingon.
***
Giventhescopeofthesediscoveries,I'dhavetosay(inmyconsideredopinion)thattheNewGenetics
isanunqualifiedsuccess.Porterwasright:evenlazyjellyfishcandoit.Andjustthink,ifmyexperiments
hadbeenregimentedbyconventionaldictatorialacademics,myinsideswouldstillbeinthedark.But
thankstoanopen-mindedpedagogy,thesunshinesnowwhereitneverhasbefore.
IcanhardlywaitfortheNewChemistry.
ʃTheNewGeneticsʅ
124
ʃ MermaidsArePractical ʅ
SomeofyouwanttoknowwhetherIamtellingyouthetruth,sothisisnotreallygoingtobeastory
chapter.
AmIareliablenarrator?
Mmm,well,yes,Imean...yeah,absolutely.
Andyet,no.
PerhapsIshouldexplain.
***
Y
OUCAN'TSEELIGHTUNTILITLITERALLYSomuchisobvious.Andlightcan'ttouchyourretinaunlessit'sright
thereinsideyoureyeball,whichisalmostalwaystuckedawayinsideofyourhead.Thatmuchshould
alsobeobvious;nonetheless,peoplepersistinbehavingasiftheyseethings"wayoverthere."Thefactofthe
matter,however,isthatyoudonot,forexample,seelightningawayoffintheclouds;youseeit,justlike
everythingelse,rightinsideyourskull.
Thesamegoesforeverythingthatyouhearorsmell.Youdon'thearthebirds,orsmelltheskunks,
wayoveryonderinyourbackyard.Theymightactuallybeoutinyourbackyard,butyouhearorsmellthem
insideyourhead.
So,intermsofthesethreespecificsenses,theplacewherethesensationwasgenerated("wayover
there")isnotthesameplaceaswhereitwassensedbyyoursensors("rightinhere").Allofyoursenses,
then,arevariationsonthesenseoftouch,inthattheyarealllocal(orproximal)toyourbody,andnot
distant(ordistal).Yourbrainisonlycreatinganillusionofsensingthingsatadistance;inotherwords,
distalsensationisamyth.Yourbrainissupportingtherealityofanevent'slocation(e.g.,alightningflash,a
birdsong,askunksmell)withthemyththatyouaresensingtheseeventsdistally,somewhereoutsideofyour
body.
Butifdistalsensationisamyth,andnotreality,thenshouldn'tyoujustignoreit?Won'tyoucometo
harmunlessyourefusetoliveinthisillusorywonderland?
Yes,Iknowthateveryoneelseintheworlddoesit(iftheyhaveconventionalsensoryprocessing),but
ifeveryoneelseintheworldjumpedoffacliff,wouldyou?Well,okay,maybeyouwouldifitreallywere
everyone.Iadmit,it'sahardquestiontoansweruntilitactuallyhappens,somaybeyou'llneverknow.Maybe
you'lljustbehauntedbydoubtsfortherestofyourlife.
Oh,don'tworry;asithappens,you'reinluck.There'sanexperimentthatyoucanperform,theresults
ofwhichwillrevealtheanswerstoalloftheseintriguingquestions.Thestepsaresimple:first,wander
acrossaskunk;next,treatitasifitreallywerelivinginyournose;andfinally,seewhathappensthen(or,if
youprefer,smellwhathappensthen).Ifagreatdealoftimepasseswithoutanyskunkscrossingyourpath,
andifyoufindyourselfbecomingimpatient,thenIsupposethatyoucouldalwayssubstitutesomethinglike
abirdintheear(notthehandor,heavenforbid,bush).
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
125
So,asitturnsout,thismythofdistalsensationisveryhandyindeedwhenyou'redealingwiththings
intermsofwheretheyactuallyare,insteadofpretendingthattheyareallstuffedupyournose,orsecreted
(eeew)whereverelseyoursensorsexperiencethem.Besides,youhavetospendyourwholelife
communicatingwithaworldfullofotherpeoplewhofailtochallengethismyth,soplayingalongwiththe
illusionwillhelpyoutoavoidseriousmisunderstandings,suchasifyouweretosay,"Hey,Ismellaskunkin
here!"Insuchaninstance,youusuallywantpeopletolookaroundtheroom,andnotupyournose.
Inshort,then,youarenowawareofatleastonemythworthsupporting.Andsupportingitdoesnot
makeyouanylessreliablethaneveryoneelse.
***
Butisdistalsensationanisolatedmythinthisregard?Isittheonlymyththatmeritsjumpingoffthe
cliffwitheveryoneelseintheworld?
Noway.
Let'stakealookatanotherexample.
Yourlungsactlikeabellows,forcingairthroughyourwindpipewhenyoutalk,right?Imean,youcan
feelyourlungssqueezingtheairoutasyourchestmusclesbeardownonthem,can'tyou?
Well,no…youcan't.Becausethat'snotwhathappens.
Yourlungsareelasticbladdersthatyourmusclespullopen,creatingavacuumthatsucksairinside.
(Fortheevolutionariesamongyou,lungsarefishyswimbladdersthathavebecomeopentotheoutside
world.)Whenthosemusclesstopholdingyourlungsopen,it'sthiselasticitythatforcesouttheair,likea
balloondeflating.Thereisnoactivesqueezingduringnormalbreathingandtalking.Theonlytimethatair
ispressedoutofyourlungsiswhenyouareusingyourdiaphragmandafewofyourabdominaland
intercostalmuscles(theonesalongyourribs)toforceoutthatlastbitofair,suchaswhenyouarecoughing,
ormaybesingingsomethingchallenging.
Yes,that'sright,thewholenotionofexhalingisjustanothermassillusion.Youaren'tactively
exhaling,butratheryouarepassivelyrelaxing,whichmeansthatallyouaredoingis"notinhaling."You
don'tbreatheout,youjuststoptryingtobreathein.
Inlightofthisinformation,shouldyouchangethewaythatyoubehave?ShouldTerryMcMillanstop
waitingtoexhale,andonlystartwaitingtonotinhale?
Well,Isupposethatyoucouldchangeyourbehavior,butonceagainyou'dbeostracizingyourselffrom
thegreatersocietyofconventionalmyth-holders,andyou'dbejustasisolatedasifyouhadputskunksup
yournose.
***
Soareallthesemythsjustamatterofyourbrainfoolingyourbody?
Nuh-uh.
That'sjustthebeginning.
***
Let'stalkaboutmermaids.
Afterall,youcan'tgetmoremythy-fithythanmermaids;Imean,unlikeexhaling,youandIbothknow
forsurethattheydon'treallyexist,right?We'veallheardthestandardexplanation:mermaidsarejuststories
thatsailorsmadeuptoexplainmanateesandcetaceansofvarioussorts.Notso?
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
126
No,notso.
Tobeginwith,whenitcomesrightdowntoit,peoplecameupwiththesesortsofstorieslongbefore
thereweresailors.
Nomatterwhatenvironmentthesepre-sailorpeoplepokedtheir(oneshouldhopeskunkless)noses
into,theywouldhavefoundcreatureslivingthere.Itwouldhavebeencleartothemthatenvironmentsofall
sortswereplacesforcreaturestolivein.Someofthosecreatures,suchasapesandmonkeys,wouldeven
resemblepeople(moreorless),andnotevenalltribesofpeoplewouldlookthesame.Ontopofthis,people
wouldhavelittledirectexperiencewiththedepthsofthesea,thesky,oreventheearthunderneaththeir
feet,anditwouldbenaturalforthemtodeveloptheirownsuspicionsaboutwhatlivedthere.Theywould
haveeveryreasontoassumethattheseenvironmentswereinhabitedbyothercreatures,andthatsomeof
themwouldappeartobelikepeople,eveniftheywereonlyassimilarasmonkeys.
Theirlogicwoulddictatethatanyperson-likecreaturelivingunderwaterwouldhavetobefishy,or
maybefroggy;andthey'dberight,justinthesamewaythatanymammallivinginthewaterhastobeable
toswim,andswimwell,hencecetaceans,hippos,otters,andsoon.Similarly,angelsandbatsneedtobe
abletofly,justasbadgersandwormsmusthavetheequipmentnecessarytonavigatethesoil.Don'tbelieve
me?JustaskOscarHammerstein(II)aboutthefishandthebirds.Tellmehe'scrazy.(Maybeheknows.)
Soitmadeeverykindofsenseintheworldfortheseearlypeopletobelieveinmermaids,becauseit
helpedthemtomakelogical,usefulpredictionsabouttheirworld,butdoesitstillmakesenseforusto
believe?Ormoretothepoint,doesitdousanygoodtobehaveasifmermaidsdon'texist?Whatabout
angels?Whybelieveinoneofthesemyths,butnottheother?Afterall,haveyoubeentoheavenlately?(I
meanbesidesyourlocalColdStoneCreamery.)Howaboutthebottomoftheocean?Whataboutother
planets?Predictingthecharacteristicsofthelikelyinhabitantsofanenvironmentshouldbeahelpfulskill,
becauseyoucananticipatecontingenciesbeforeyougetthere.Perhapsyoufinditgenerallyusefuljustto
practicetheintellectualexerciseofextrapolatingfromasetofknownpatterns.
Thenletmeaskyouthis:giventhatyouwillinglysupportatleasttwoidentifiablemythsalready(and
therearemanyotherslikethemthatIdidnotreviewhere),doesbehavingasifmermaidsexistbringyou
anyadditionalharm?
***
Yes,Iknow…someofyouthinkthathelpandharmarenotthepoint,andyouarefeelingall
cantankerousbecausesupportingthemythwouldn'tbe"scientific."Youinsist(andratherdogmatically,I
mightadd...infact,I'vebeenmeaningtohaveagentlechatwithyouaboutthissuperiorattitudeofyours)
thatwe'renotsupposedtobelieveinthingsthatwecan'tdetectwithourownsenses,eitherunaided,orwith
thehelpofatele-thisoramicro-that.
Butreally,whenyouthinkaboutit(ornot),sciencedoesn'truleouttheexistenceofthingsthatwe
can'tdetect;itsimplyrefusestoconfirmtheirexistence.Noscientistintheirrightmindwouldeverthinkin
termsofprovingthatmermaidsdon'texist,becausescienceitselfsaysthatyoucan'tproveanegative.Other
thantoconfirmtheexistenceofmermaids,sciencecancometonostrongerconclusionthantoremain
firmlyagnostic.
Thefactis,weknowfartoolittleabouttheOcean,andareconsiderablymoreignorantaboutthe
conditionsoflifeelsewherethanonourfortyacresoftheuniverse.Thereareallsortsofplacesthat
mermaids,andtheircousins,couldbeavoidingus.Itwasn'tuntil1858thatFoulkerecognizedadinosaur
hidinginabunchofoldfossils,afulltwentyyearsaftertheyhadbeendugoutofanoldmarlpit.Even
mountaingorillasarearecent"discovery"(1902),atleastrelativetotheworldofEurocentricscience.Given
thefateofthoseoutedgorillas,youcouldn'tblamethemermaidsforstayingdecidedlyoutofourway.
Sothemostthatascientistcouldsaywithoutfearofcontradiction(fromme)isthattheyhavefailedto
findanymermaidsinanyoftheplacesthatthey'veyetlooked,atleastwhiletheywereusingtheir
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
127
multimega-dollarlaser-calibratedultramermoscopes.
***
Stilluncomfortable?Thenletmetellyoualittlesomethingthatsciencedoesn'twantyoutoknow.
Comeclosermypretty…
Scienceisnifty,andithasallsortsofpracticaluses,butthefactthatweallliveaccordingtoarather
largenumberofpopularmythsshowsthatscienceisnottheonlymodelofrealitythatdictatesthewaythat
humansbehave.Muchofthetime,sciencehaslittletodowithourbehaviorwhencomparedtowhatwe
believe.Anunderstandingofwhat's"really"goingonisoftenoflessusetousthanamythologicalmodelthat
wecanusetoliveourlivesmoreeasily,particularlyifeveryoneelseagreestotreatthemythasthereality.
Don'tbelieveme?Well,getaloadofthis:youknowthatmoleculesaremadeupofatoms,andthat
atomsaremadeupofsubatomicparticles,andsoforthandsoon.Butwhatdoesn'tgetmentionedsooften
isthatifyoukeepdiggingdowndeepenough,allyouhaveleftisvibration.Vibrationofwhat,precisely(or
evengenerally),nooneknowsforsure,andit'sreallyonlyreferredtoasvibrationduetoalackofabetter
term.(Personally,Isuspectthefundamentalinfluenceofafragrant,rosycarbonation.)Whenyoubasea
systematicframeworkofanalysis(likescience)ontopofthephrase,"Idon'treallyknow,butthisiswhatI
believe,"thenyouareonundulatingground.
IsaacNewtonpioneeredthescientificmethod(MathematicalPrinciplesofNaturalPhilosophy,aka
Principia,1687)backwhentherewerenoscientists,andtheproto-scientistsofthedaytendedtobecalled
"naturalphilosophers."Descarteswasoneofthem,aswasLeibnitz,nottomentionallsortsofother
interestingpeoplewhomyou'dknowaboutifyouonlygotoutmore,particularlytothelibrary.(Youmight
aswellgoaheadanddosomeadditionalreadingonthesubject,otherwiseyou'rejustgoingtohavetotake
mywordforallofthis,whichisnotadvisable,becauseforallyouknow,I'mamermaidwithatyrannical
agenda.Hey,IusedtobeaKellyGirl,somymasculinitywouldhardlybethreatenedbybeingamermaid.)
Andbeforetheywerenaturalphilosophers,thesefolkswerealchemists.Youmightbesurprisedathow
muchpurealchemyIsaacNewtonpracticed,evenafterhenominallybecameascientist.
Butweallknowthatalchemywasjustsomeritualformofdiabolicalhogwash,wasn'tit?
Wrong…well,kindof.Andkindofnot.Somealchemistsdidhavedevilishlywell-washedhogs,that's
true,butyoushouldunderstandthataspioneers,alchemistswereforcedtofindtheirwayinthedark,so
theirmethodswillappearhaphazardtousinretrospect.Despitethislackoflight,theystillmanagedto
discoverallsortsofveryusefulstuff,likephosphorus(which,nicelyenough,isgreatforfindingyourwayin
thedark);infact,that'sanothereasyexperimentthatyoucanperform.Repeatedlyurinateintoaglassflask,
andkeepboilingofftheliquid(alternately,notsimultaneously,Ibegyou).Aslongasyou'vebeeneating
right(e.g.,milkproductsandbeans),andfollowdirectionssomewhatlessschematicthanmine,the
remainingpowderwillbephosphorescent.
Look,Ididn'tsaythatalchemycouldn'tbekindofdisgusting,Ijustsaidthatitwasn'treallydiabolical.
Anyway,comparedtootherwaysoflookingattheworld,scienceisstillinitsinfancy,andweare
goingtolookjustasblindasthealchemistsfromaperspectiveonlyafewdecadesintothefuture.Wethink
we'reprettyhotstuffbecausewecanlaughatpeoplewhotriedtoturnleadintogoldwithonlygradeschoolchemistry,butweridiculetheseforebearswhilewetinkerwithquantumphysicsandmolecular
genetics,congratulatingourselvesonhavingfoundtherealPhilosopher'sStone.(Well,okay,Idon'tdothis
toomuch,butI'mprettysurethatyoudoitfartoooften.Ibetyoucan'tevenrememberthelasttimeyou
lookedatthoseglow-in-the-darkstarsinyourkid'sbedroomandsaidtoyourself,"Thankgoodnessfor
alchemists,withoutwhosefumingpeemychild'slifewouldbealittledarker.")Eightyyearsfromnow,
peoplewillbesaying,"Sure,theymanagedtostumbleacrossgenetherapy,butallthatstuffwiththefusion
andsoon,whatthehellweretheythinking?ScientificPuritanism…whatabunchofdiabolicalporkrinse."
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
128
Nowdon'tgetmewrong,Ithinkscienceisgreat.I'mascientistmyself,andmybestfriendsare
scientists.Iwon'tsquabbleifmychildrenmarryscientists,norifmygrandchildrenareraisedinscientific
households(althoughImightbedisappointedontheirbehalfifthatweretheironlydefinitivehousehold
characteristic).Butthefactremainsthatthescientificmethodreliesultimatelyonthepowerofthehuman
mindtocreateacoherentstoryoutofaseeminglydisparatesetofelements,becausethesecondstepisto
nurtureatheoryfromtheobserveddata.Nomatterhowdrytheobservationandmeasurementofthat
evidencemightbe(and,truthbetold,eventhatpartoftheprocessisoftenquitedamp),individualhumans
willlookatthesamesetofstarsandcreatedifferentconstellations.Andtherearesovery,verymanystars.
(AmetricSaganload,Iamgiventounderstand.)
It'snosmallwonder,then,thatthesamescientificmethodthathasmappedthehumangenomehas
alsogivenussuchwonderfullyplausiblestoriesasbloodtyping,coldfusion,evolution,watermemory,
transformationalgrammar,ozonetherapy,antibiotics,N-rays,superstrings,polywater,andalternating
current.Afewofthesetalesarestillholdingupunderthetestoftime(whichisoftenlessatestthanitisa
popquiz);infact,acoupleofthemhavelastedfordecades.Thenagain,ageisnotnecessarilyanindicatorof
howwellastoryreflectsreality;infact,sciencehasrecentlyshownthatsomeoftheoldestofthesestories,
namelytheLawsofThermodynamics,breakdownincertaincontexts.TheseunbreakableLawsareturning
outtobemorelikelocalbuildingcodes,andjustaboutanythingcanapplyforavariance.
Inparticular,oneoftheseLawssays(giveortake),"Youcan'tgetsomethingfromnothing."
Well,accordingtoamorerecentversionofthestory,youcangetsomethingfromnothing,aslongas
thosetinysomethingsarecreatedinpolarpairs(i.e.,asomethingandananti-something).Thosepairs
recombineinstantly(relativetowhatmeasureoftime,Idonotknow),andsoareabsorbedbackintothe
originalnothing,whichleavesyounotwithsimplenothing,butwithaneteffectofnothing.Thetrickisthat
theLawchangeswiththedefinitionof"nothing,"whichisnowseenasaveryunconventionalnothing,in
thatitisportrayedasaquiveringexpanseofpotential(orsomesuchcircularnonsense),which,whenyou
comerightdowntoit,isratheralotlikemyfinances.TheBigNewsisthatsometimesoneoftheselittle
bitsofcreationwillcombinewithabitofanti-creationotherthantheonethatwasitsoriginalpartner,and
ifthishappensoftenenough,acoupleofsomethingsmightclingtogetherindesperationandWHAMMO!
Universe.
Confusing?Thenlet'slookatitthisway.(Thoseofyouwhoalreadygotitcanskiptothenext
paragraph.Me,I'mgoingtoreadthispartbecauseI'mneversureI'vegotitright.)Supposethattwenty-six
pessimistseachtookoneoptimisticfriendtoaConflictResolutionDanceclass.(Sotheteacherisabit
unconventional...justgowithit.)Theyalllineupalongtwoopposingwalls,startingwithpessimistAvery
andoptimistAlexatthenorthendofthebuilding,continuingallthewaydowntoZolaandZwiatthe
southend.Now,thetrainerhaspessimistAverymovedownoneplacetolineupanddancewithoptimist
BertieinsteadofAlex,whichmeansthatpessimistBakerthenmovesdowntooptimistCam,andsoon,all
thewaydowntheline.ThisleavesoptimistAlexandpessimistZwiunattached,whereupon(eitherfortheir
ownreasonsorfornoneatall,whiletheteacherisnotpayingattention)theyleavefromoppositeendsof
thebuildingandgowanderingaroundthecommunitycollege,wheretheymeetotherloosedancepartners
fromotherclasseswhojusthappentosharethepolarityoftheirgeneraloutlookonlife.RodSerlingthen
goesfromclasstoclass,makingthepolarized(i.e.,pessimist+optimist)pairsmeltbackintothemusicitself
(i.e.,theyarepartofthevibratingnothingnessthatisbeingplayedbynomusicians).ThisleavesonlyAlex
andZwi(outoftheoriginalclass)abletomaintaintheirexistencewiththeircurrentindividualpartners,
becausethoseexistingpartnerbondsarestrongenoughtokeepthepartnersinthosecouplesfrom
decouplingandre-pairingalongpolarizedoutlooklines(whichkeepsthemfromdisappearingintothe
music).Asithappens,theloosepartnersarealmostneverlikelytomeetanyoneelsetodancewith,because
theyhangoutintotallydifferentplacesoncampus.Butajillionty-billionmoredancesareheld,thusraising
theirodds,andmorefreeradicalpessimistsstarttogatheraroundZwiandherpartner,justasmoreloose
optimistsclingtoAlex,andafterthat,youknowtherestofthestory(i.e.,theaforementionedWHAMMO!
andsoforth).
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
129
***
Andthesamescientistswhocameupwiththissortofstorywoulddenyusmermaids.Andfaeries.
DareIsayit?Yes,Idare!Hypocriticalbalderdash!(Um,balderthanwhatdash,I'mnotsure.)
Maythetheoristwithoutanyneedtorelyonplausibilitycastthefirststoneatmythandreligion.
Withthatinmind,let'slookatsomeothermermaids.
***
Theimageofthemoongetssmallerasitclimbsinthesky,right?
Nope.Yourbrainjustmakesitseemsmaller.
Knowingthatthisisonlyanillusion,then,howmuchtimeareyougoingtospendtryingtoseethe
moondifferentlythaneveryoneelsedoes?
***
Asajuror,youarelegallyobligedtofindsomeonenotguilty,eveniftheyhaveclearlycommittedthe
crime,ifyouthinkthatthelawitselfisbad.Howmanyjudgeswillfindyouincontemptifyoupointoutthis
truth?Accordingtothelaw,then,it'samyththatthejudgeisall-powerfulinthecourtroom,butthe
omnipotenceofjudgesmightbeamermaidworthbelievingin,justbecauseitmightkeepyououtofjail.
***
Ioncetoldamilitarydoctorthatintruth,mywife'smedicalrecordswereherpersonalproperty.After
agreatdealofargument,thedoctorsaid(inparaphrase),"Well,sinceyouactuallyknowwhat'sgoingon,we
won'tcontinuetolietoyou.Thesedocumentsdoinfactbelongtoyourwife,andnottous."Theydelivered
themtoherpromptly,whichistosayrightafterallofthedoctorsinvolvedinhercarehadbeengivena
chancetoreviewthoserecordsanddestroyanypartofherpersonalpropertythattheyfeltmightreflect
badlyontheirincompetentperformance.Itmighthavebeenbetterforustobelieveinthemermaidwho
saysthatthemilitaryownsthosedocuments,atleastlongenoughtocopyalloftherecordswhile
transportingthemfromonebasetoanother.
***
Everytenyears,Igetpulledoverforspeeding.Upuntilnow,theofficerhasalwaysaskedme,"How
fastdoyouthinkyouweregoing?"ThelasttimeIwasaskedthatquestion,Iwasdoing60ina55onan
emptyfour-lanefreeway,andIadmittedmyguilt.IdidsobecauseIchosetobelieveinthemermaidwho
toldmejusttotelltheniceofficerwhateverhewantedtoknow,andgetoutofthere.MaybeI'llrefuseto
believeinmermaidsthenexttimeIgetpulledover.I'llsay,"Officer,youareoperatingunderthe
mythologicalassumptionthatImustadmitmyguilttoyou,whenintruththelawclearlystatesthatIhave
therighttoreserveanydiscussionofmyactualspeedtothecourtroom."Theofficerwillnodoubtrespect
myhighregardforscience,andforthetruth,andregrethavingabusedtheirauthority.Eitherthat,orthe
officerwillthenoperateundertheequallymythologicalassumptionthatIwasbeinguncooperativeand
disrespectful,whenintruthIwasonlyassertingmyrightsunderthelaw.
***
Thenthere'sthemermaidwhotellsthe(ratherinvolved)storyabouttheUnitedStatesbeinga
democraticsocietyinwhichyourpersonalvotemakesadifference.Well,refreshyourmemoryaboutthe
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
130
ElectoralCollege,thenwe'lltalk.
***
Totieallofthisinformationandspeculationintothetopofthisessay,myadviceisasfollows:
Piece#1:Listentothedistalperceptionmermaidwhotellsyouthatthebaseballisreally
"overthere,"andthatitisrapidlyapproachingyourhead.Don'tbesuchaskepticthat
youwaituntiltheimpactsofthelightandtheballcoincideonyourretina.
Piece#2:Whenyouseeafaceintheocean,don'tbesoquicktodismissthemermaid;a
littletolerancecouldhelpyourlifetoflowawholelotmoresmoothly.
Piece#3:Whenitcomestocreatingapersonalmodelofreality,imaginewhatitmightbe
likeforthosepeoplewhosesensation,processing,andawarenesssystemsarenotonly
significantlydifferentthanyours,butarenotnecessarilyconsistentfromdaytoday
(orminutetominute).
Piece#4:Don'tgostickingskunksupyournose,fortheirsake.
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
131
ʃ Isolation ʅ
"I
CANNOTRECOMMENDTHISCANDIDATEHIGHLYENOUGH."
Whenitcomestowritinglettersofrecommendation,thatphraseispoison.Seasonedcommittee
membersrecognizeittomean,"Thispersonhasnotonlyfailedtoimpressme,but(a)Iamnotinaposition
toeitheravoidtheletterorbeentirelyhonestwiththem(sotheyareasocialand/orsafetyhazard),and(b)
theyhaveaskedforanopencopyofthisletter(sotheyareafraidofatrulycandidappraisal)."Thesentence
offerstheauthorplausibledeniabilitybybeingwordedtosoundlikepraise,anditcanbeembeddedinan
otherwisepositiverecommendation.Othersuchphrasesincludethelikesof,"Ihaveseenmanyexamplesof
theirworkthatwouldsurpriseyou,""Wordsfailtoadequatelydescribemyhighregard,"and,"Noone
wouldbeabetterchoice."Thistypeofambiguityrequiresourunderstandingthattheauthorcouldhave
writtensomethingmuchclearerinitspositiveregard,suchas,"Thiscandidatealwaysearnsmyhighest
praise."Buttheydidn't.
Ambiguityingeneralcanbeapowerfultool;itpervadesourlives,butnotforallofusinthesame
way.
Whichbringsmetooffernotanotherstory,butratheranapology...ofsorts.
***
Somepeoplecantypewithouteverlookingatthekeyboard,whileothershavetohuntdowneach
keystroketheypeck.Me,atanygivenmomentI'matoneendofthescaleortheotherwithouteveractually
spendinganyqualitytimeinthemiddle.Icantypeawaylikecrazy,butthenI'llsuddenlyrealizethatI
haven'tbeenlookingdownforawhileandmyfingerswillstarttodrift.ForacoupleofsentencesIcan
forcemyselftokeeplookingatthescreen,butthenmywordswillallstarttogolikethisbecauseIlosemy
place.Dangit,thatwassupposedtobeanwxampleofehatha[[enswhenIstartthimklinganpouittyping
insteadofjuystdoingity.There,that'sbe55er.
Afteranawareepisodelikethat,I'vegottotypewhilelookingatthekeyboardforawhile,ratherthan
thescreen,untilIcanrelyonthemuscularmemorythatnormallykeepsmyfingersontrack.Givemeafew
linesandabitofdistraction,andI'llbebackonautomatic.[Note1]
Thethingis,I'mthesamewaywhenitcomestounderstandingotherpeople.I'mfineuntilIstartto
thinkaboutwhatI'mdoing,andthensuddenlyittakesalotofextraefforttokeepfrommessingup.
Unfortunately,IoftenthinkaboutwhatI'mdoing.
Maybeyou'veheardaboutpeoplewhohavetroublereadingfacialexpressions,peoplewhodon'tclick
socially.Maybeyou'veheardaboutthemindescriptionsofautism.Autismorotherwise,theequation'snot
thatsimple;therearemorevariationsalongthatdimensionthanjust"understanding"and"not."
Inaddition,therearepeoplewhocanreademotionswell,butwhocannotwritetheiremotionswith
equaleaseforsomeoneelsetoread;inotherwords,they'refineoninput,butpooronoutput.Mostofthese
peoplealsohaveaproblemwiththefeedbackloop,soeventhoughtheycanreademotionswell,theyaren't
adeptatusingwhatthey'vejustreadtoalterwhatthey'reabouttosay.Incaseit'snotalreadyglaringly
ʃIsolationʅ
132
obvious,I'moneofthosepeople.WhileIdon'ttendtosaythingsthatarestrikinglycallousoroblivious,I
candriftawayfromnoticingwhenI'velostsomeoneintheconversation.
Mybraincompoundsthisproblembymakingmeawareofambiguousmeaningsineverything,which
meansthatIcan'tquicklyfigureoutwhattosaywhenIwanttoexpressonlyonemeaning,andIcan't
quicklyruleouttheriskofeveryothermeaningthatmightcauseamisunderstanding.Idon'tknowwhatI
cansafelynotexplain.Ignoringthosealternativesisahigh-riskchoiceformebecausepeopleseemtotreat
mewiththedeficitofthedoubt,ratherthanthebenefit;infact,sometimesitfeelsliketheywillgowellout
oftheirwaytohear,"Iamhighlycriticalofyouandyourwholegeneticlineage,"insteadof,"Unexpectedly
seeingyouhasbrightenedmyday,"whenItellthemsomethinglike,"Thatcolorlooksparticularlyniceon
you."TheresultingreflextoheadpainoffatthepasscausesadditionaltroublewhenI'minahurry,andof
coursemostofmyconversationsarehurried.I'monaserioustimedelay.HourslaterIthinktomyself,"I
probablyshouldhavesaidso-and-so,justtomakesuretheydidn'tthinkImeantsuch-and-such."Ihaveloads
ofmentalconversationsthatinvolvethosesortsofsosandsuches.
TheupshotisthatwhileIlivewithmyfootinmymouth,it'snotbecauseI'maninsensitivebastard;
it'sjustthatIhavetroubleanticipatinghoworwhatmywordswillmakesomeoneelsefeelquicklyenoughto
filterwhatI'mgoingtosay.EitherthatorI'msurroundedbypeoplewhoarecontinuallygoingoutoftheir
waytobeangrywithme,andthatdoesn'tseemlikely.
That'sallIreallywantedtosay,andnowthatI'vesaidit,youmightwanttostopreadingrighthere
andgoonaboutyourbusinesssomuchthewiser,unlessofcourseyou'reinterestedinthedetails;for
example,maybeyouknow(orare)someonelikeme.Inthatcase,welcometotherestofthispassage,butby
nowyoushouldknowthatIhaveatendencytorattleonlongaftermyaudienceinsiststhattheywere
droppingincreasingly-less-than-subtlehintsthattheyarenolongernearlyasinterestedastheyoncehad
been.
Okay,well,you'vebeenwarned.
And,forwhatit'sworth,sorryaboutthat.
***
Tobeginwith,Iknowwhatemotionsare.Ihavethem,andIfeelthemdeeply.Icanrecognizethemin
otherpeople,andtherearetimeswhenIcanskimrightalonginaconversationandfitinwithouta
problem…butitdoesn'ttakemuchformetosuddenlystartthinkingaboutthefactthatIhaven'tbeen
lookingatthekeyboardforawghile,andtheneberythingstartstofgoallfummy.Whenthathappens,andI
realizethatI'mdriftingoutofsyncwithacommunicationpartner,Icandeliberatelyspendtheextraeffort
tobevigilantaboutnuancesoftoneandbodylanguage,andthathelpsmetokeepintouch.BecauseIhave
anexceedinglyanalytic(andholistic,forthatmatter)mind,Icantakeallofthatinformationandstayinthe
game,butjustlikeanyeffortfulmentalexercise,it'sverytiring.Whenotheraspectsofmylifewearme
down,suchasaheavyworkloadandalossofsleep,Istarttolosetheeaseofmyconnectionwithpeoplein
mylifebecauseIjustdon'thavetheresourcesnecessarytoplaytheconversationgameallthetime.Ican
choosetoletworksufferinstead,butmylovedonesseemtolikemenottogetmyselffired,either.
Thinkaboutwhatitwaslikewhenyouwerelearningtodoanythingthatyounowtakeforgranted,
suchasdriving,speakinganotherlanguage,reading,juggling,poopinginthepotty,ordoingyourjob.Now
imaginewhatitwouldbelikeifnothingabouttalkingtootherpeoplewasautomaticanymore.You'dhave
todeliberatelyidentifythetoneofvoiceoneachword,plusthecontouroverthewholephrase,andthen
rememberallofthatasyoutuckeditawaywitheverythingelsethepersonwassaying.You'dalsoneedto
watchforthingslikebodylanguage,sarcasm,humor,signalsfortakingconversationturns,andeverything
elsethatgoesintomakingsurethatyoudon'taccidentallypisssomeoneoffwhileyou'retalkingwiththem.
Next,thinkaboutlivinginaculturewheretheresponsetoanymisunderstandingistoassumethatyour
partnerisintentionallytryingtobehurtful(e.g.,snide,sarcastic,caustic,sniping,andsoon).Addthattothe
factthateveryoneelseusesthisskillsoeffortlesslythattheyhavenoreflexaroundassumingthatyoumight
ʃIsolationʅ
133
bechallenged.It'senoughtopersuadesomefolkstogiveuptryingtohaveconversationsaltogether.And
somedo.
IntheculturalcontextthatcurrentlydefinesthedominantparadigmintheUS,folkswhodon'tknow
metendtojustlabelmeasamanwhentheytakeoffense,thatistosay,asajerkoblivioustofeelings.IfI
canpersuadesuchapersontohelpmeunderstandwhytheywereirritated(whichsometimesjustfurther
pissesthemoffbecauseI'veaskedforareason),Itendtofindmyselfaccusedofmarkingterritory,beating
mychest,thinkingprimarilyofmyowninterestsinblatantdisregardforwhatevertheyweretellingme,or
engaginginsomeotherbludgeonarycavemanism.AndwhileIdon'tknowwhattherealityisinthebroader
world,whenitcomestomyownpersonallifeexperience,Ifindthatwomenandmentendtotreatme
differentlyinthisregard,althoughtherearenotableexceptions.
Now,peoplewhohaveknownmeforsometime,butwhodonotactuallyknowmeverywell,simply
treatmelikeI'manuncouthidiot,oraverbalincontinent.
Thentherearethepeoplewhoknowmeatleastwellenoughtoask,"Didyoumeantomakemefeel
likeanidiot?"Thatgivesmeachancetoclarify,andifI'mlucky,Idon'tdigadeeperhole:"YouknowI
don'tthinkyou'restupid;allImeantwasthatIdon'tunderstand."
Thehandfulofpeoplewhoactuallyknowmewellsavetimebyassumingthebestratherthanthe
worst,andIcanrelax.WhenIrelax,Icanstayonautopilotlonger.
***
So,yes,Iexhibitbehaviorthatisconsistentwiththetraitsofthepervasivedevelopmentaldelaysthat
runinmyfamily,butit'sfartoosimpletojustwritemeoffassomeonewhohassomeformofautismand
thereforecan'treadpeople'semotions.It'salsotoosimpletojustdismissmeassomecombinationofmale,
oblivious,and/orself-absorbed.Icantellveryquicklywhensomeonehasbeenhurt,becauseIfeeltheirpain
whenithappens.(Thankyoumirrorneurons,strongempathylevels,anaturallyother-centeredfocus,and
evenmyBIIphobia.)Itryveryhardnottohurtpeople'sfeelings.Idocareabouttheeffectthatmywords
willhave.IammoreinterestedinwhatotherpeoplewantthaninwhatIwant.
It'sjustthatIgetvery,verytiredfromallthattrying…nomatterwhereIgo,orwithwhomItalk,day
inanddayout.
KnowwhatImean?
NOTES
Note1:Ijustrecentlyfoundoutthatsomesortsoffinger-relatedmuscle-memorypractice,suchasanhour
ontheguitar,canrenderatemporarytargetshiftfortouchtypists,suchasadownwardshift(i.e.,typing'v'
for'f','m'for'j',andsoon).Ithinkthat'scool.[Back]
ʃIsolationʅ
134
ʃ
W
ProbeTest ʅ
HATFOLLOWSARETHERESULTSOFUNBELIEVABLYRIGOROUSIPODTOUCHTESTSthatweredesignedtoidentifya
viablenon-fingertouchscreenprobe.Therewasatimewhenthesedevices(andtheirlarger
successors)werenotswitchaccessiblethroughthe30-pinport,soIwaslookingatthepossibilityof
triggeringthetouchscreenwithatapfromasolenoidtippedwithsometypeofeffectivematerial.(Target
areaselectionwouldhaveinvolvedasubsequentproject.)Improvedaccessibilitymethodsoverthelast
severalyears(finallyappearingwithiOS7)hasmadethisinformationmoot,butthatisnodifferentthanin
anytreatisethatsomberlydocumentstheHistoryofScience.
Tobeginwith,theprobesurfacecontactareahadtobeatleast4.5mmindiameter;thatistosay,4.5
mm(ormore)alongonlyoneaxiswouldn'twork.
Thetipofanalkalinebatteryworked(whenheldflat),liveordead,AAAthroughD,exceptforthe
AAApositivetip(whichwastoosmall).Thecylindricalcanisdrawnsteel.
A(live)LR44battery,however,didnotwork.Idon'tknowwhy.Neitherdida(live)SR44battery.
Neitherdida(live)CR2016lithiumbattery.Idon'tknowwhattheircaseconstructionis.Theyworkifyou're
touchingthem,soit'snotamatteroftoomuchsurfacearea.
Infact,diskscannibalizedfromharddrives(somequiteold)workedwhenheldflat,sotheprobe's
maximumsurfaceareaisonlyconstrainedbypragmatics.
Thegrip(notthetip)ofstainlesssteellabtweezersworked(both10mmand7.5mm).
Theheadofa6mmnailworked,butithadtobecarefullyplacedtomakeflatcontact.
Drillbitbases(probablylow-carbonsteel)didnotwork.(Buttheyweregreatformeasuringtheprobe
minimumsurfaceareawhentheyhadskincontact.)
FifteensamplemetalfabricsfromLessEMFworked.(Theonlytwothatdidnotwork,Ex-Staticand
NatureShield,lookmorelikealoosemetalgridwovenintothefabric.)
Thinlysliceddelihamworked.("Whytestham?",youmightask."Well,"Imightanswer,"it'sperfectly
logical:Ididn'thaveahotdoghandy.")
Someonesaidadampspongewouldwork,andwhileitdidnotworkwhenItestedit,itdidcleanthe
screennicely.Ididn'thavenaturalspongehandytotest,somaybethat'sthedifference.
Ashinybrass-lookin'businesscardcaseworked.
Coinsofmanynations,evenwhensmoothlywornintoobscurity,didnotwork.
Ididnothaveapieceofconductivesiliconepadbigenoughtotest,butthatmightbenicertothe
glass.
Averypowerfulrareearthmagnet…wasnottestedonthedevicebecauseIhavetheserareflashesof
commonsense(thatIoccasionallyheed).PartofmycautioninthiscasewasthatIdidnotownthedevice
thatIusedforthetest,sosomeoneelsewouldhavetomuckaboutwithothermagnets(whicharereported
tobegoodcandidates).
ʃProbeTestʅ
135
Speakingofwhich,incaseanyonewantstotrytoreproducetheseresults,ortestothertypesof
materials(youknowwhoyouare),Idecoupledthesetestitemsfromskincapacitancebywrappingmy
fingertipsinadhesivebandagestrips,thengrippedtheitemswithadditionalclothpadding.Ihadtriedtape
indoublelayers(firstmasking,thenelectrical),thenItriedapairofvinylgloves,butwhennoneofthat
workedthebandagesweresimplyeasier(i.e.,areadymadetape+clothunit).
JustforcomparisonItriedthisstuffoutonacoupleofcapacitivetouchpadsaswell,buttheywere
muchlesswillingtoacceptfingersubstitutes.Maybetheyusesurfaceratherthanprojectedcapacitance.
Isimplydon'tknow.
ʃProbeTestʅ
136
ʃ MysteriousSympathies ʅ
E
VERYONEHASACERTAINSOMETHING(orsomethings)withwhichtheyshareaninexplicableaffinity,likewise
thereisalwayssomethingelsethatapproachesthemwithconsistentantagonism.
Picklejars(specificallytheirsealedlids)areagoodexample(albeitanadmittedlyimperfectone,so
don'tpestermetoomuchonthedetails).Somepeoplecanstrugglewiththatwavy-ridgeddiscforhourson
endusingallmannerofmechanicalimplements(andswearwords)andyetitsteadfastlyrefusestobudge.In
frustrationtheylobitatastaggeringtoddlerwho(totheir"Well,yeah,butIloosenedit"chagrin)
immediatelyspinsthecapoffwithunadornedabandon(andaliberalsplashofbrine,asyoumightwell
imagine...fromboththejarandsaidtoddler).Thisisnotsimplyamatterofvariablestrength(asweall
knowfromwatchingtoomanyepisodesof"AreYouasStrongasaPreschooler"),anditseemstobe
biorhythmicinitsshiftingintensitypatterns,soyoureallyhavetowatchoutwhenyouhitaparticularly
densepatch.
Hereisoneinstanceofacanonicalequation:electronicsareperiodicallyirritatedwithmywife.
(Despitethemyth,thisafflictionstrikeswithoutregardtoaperson'sage,sex,sobrietypreference,ortastein
shoes.)Bearingnometal,shesetsoffstorealarms.Hercellphone,withoutregardtobrandormodelover
theyears,sendsheroddtxtsfromnobodyidentifiable.Lightbulbsfuseatherpassing.Watchesdojust
abouteverythingbutkeeptime.("Youhadonejob.")AndI'mjusttheopposite,whichIthinkisone(and
arguablythemain)reasonshekeepsmearound,namelyasadefensivecomplement.Inmylineofwork,
peoplereportallsortsofmechanicalfailuresbasicallyjusttohavemewalkintotheroomandletthe
misbehavingdeviceknowthatI'mthere,atwhichpointitguiltilygetsbacktoprinting,flashing,vibrating,
computing,orwhateveritwassupposedtohavebeendoingallalong.Iamveryfamiliarwiththewry
lament,"Well,itwasbrokenbeforeyougothere."PeoplethinkthatIdon'tbelievethem,butIdo;there
doesn'thavetobearationalexplanation,knownorotherwise.(I,forexample,can'tbakeworthadamn,
anddoughinparticularwilldeliberatelypissmeoffwithitsoppositionaldefiance.Stupidpastry.HenceI
resorttorecipesliketheIceCreamBreadthatappearslaterinthisbook.)
Thethingis,whenayoungpersonactslikeacompletedoofusaroundapeer,it'softennotbecause
theydon'tlikethem(buttothecontrarytheyareBambilytwitterpated),so(forallIknow)electronicthings
areactuallysweetonmywife,butjustimmatureaboutexpressingthataffection.
Icansympathizewiththat.
Whichmeansthatmaybepiesloveme.
Awww...
ʃMysteriousSympathiesʅ
137
ʃ SemeiognomyBasics ʅ
I
WOULDLIKETOOFFERYOUANOPPORTUNITYTOLEARNABOUTSYMBOLICSYSTEMS,particularlyymagisticones,
particularlywhenitcomestocommunicationandlanguage.Itmightnothelpyou,butitmighthelpsome
folksaboutwhomyoucare.
Themostfundamentalideasinthisessayarenotmyown(seetheSemeiognomysectioninthe
SuggestedMedialisttowardstheendofthisbook,especiallyLangacker,1991);Ionlycameupwiththeparts
aboutprominenceanddirecticonicproportion,plustheclarifyinguseof"ymage,"andtheterm
"semeiognomy"(becauseIdidn'tfeelliketherewasanexistinglabelthatadequatelyidentifiedmyfield).
Thismaterialwillstartoutmachine-yandendupperson-y,simplybecausethat'showIoriginallyrode
thistrainofthought;infact,itwasn'tuntilIwasnearly40thatIstoppedtowonderwhyIwastryingto
helpcomputerslearntousehumanlanguagewithhumanfacilitywhentherewerehumanswhowerestill
facingsevere-to-profoundchallengeswiththeseskills.
Sometimesthere'sstuffthatIjustdon'tthinktothinkabout.
***
Therehavelongbeenprojectsdevotedtothedescriptionofthesymbolicweb,resultinginlexical
resourcessuchasthesauri,dictionaries,andencyclopedias.Someteamshaveeventriedtoreconstructthat
networkasasetofontologicalprinciples.Itiseasytounderstandhowtheseprojectshavecontinuedto
grow,becausethereisalwayssomethinglefttodescribeabouttheworld,butforthissamereasonitis
difficulttoseehowanyoftheseendeavorscouldeverbecompleted.Itwouldbenecessarytofeeda
prohibitivelyvastnumberofsemanticrelationshipsintoamachine,includingsuchcommonsensenotionsas
that:thingsfalldownratherthanup;glasstendstobefragile;bearpoopistheworst;andsoon.
Itseemsmorereasonabletobuildabasicframeworkonwhichamachinecouldgrowlanguageby
itself,likewedo.Ratherthantryingtodescribeeverythingthatthereistoknowabouttheworld,a
representationofthewebcouldbecreatedthatdescribedenoughoftheworldinahumanenoughwaythat
therightkindofmachinecouldgrowitsownsymbolicwebovertimeasitinteractedwithitsworldthrough
developinglanguage.Asthemachinelearned,itswebcouldbeusedtocreateanimprovedbasicframework,
whichwouldgrowanimprovedweb,andsooniteratively.
Adiscussionofbasicsemeiognomicprincipleswillsuggestwhatmightbeneededinaninitial
incarnationofthissortofacognitiveimagelattice(orymagelattice),bydescribinganapproachto
diagrammingrepresentationsofindividualymages.Itwillalsosupportmoregenerallytheimportanceofa
person'sexposuretoavarietyofsensoryexperiencesintheirdevelopmentoflanguage,whichmeansthat
themachinethatgrowsitsownwebwouldneedtobesensate,whichinturnmeansthatmachinesmightnot
learntouselanguageinahumanwayuntilwegetthewholesensorythingworkedoutforthem(which
seemslikeitwouldbeaprecursortohavingmachineswithemotionalfeelingaswell),andpossiblynotuntil
wecangetthemtoprocessintermsof:sensation>perception>awareness.
ʃSemeiognomyBasicsʅ
138
Form:aWordShape
Thetermformreferstothephysicalpropertiesofanything,suchas:
•Sensation(shape,color,sound,taste,texture,temperature...);
•Position(location,orientation,sequence,motion...);
•Complexity(componentiality,resolution...);
•Intensity(howloud,howhard,howbright...);andsoon.
Concept:aThoughtFeeling
Thetermconceptisusedinformallytorefertointernalstateslikethoughtsandfeelings,andincasual
conversationitmeansnotionoridea.Anythingthatyoucanthinkorfeelisaconcept;suchas:[pleasure];
[dogs];and[laughing].Conceptualstructureisamoretechnicalterm,andreferstoaformalrepresentation
ofanelectrochemicaleventprocessedinabodyasitthinksandfeels.Conceptsvaryinthewaythatforms
do,intheircontent,organization,andtiestootherconcepts.Fittogetherlikemultidimensionalpiecesofa
jigsawpuzzle,theseconceptsdefineahumanlanguagemodelofreality.
Conceptsareultimatelygroundedinhumansensorimotorexperience,suchasthesensorymodalityof
proprioception,orofvision.Eachofthesemodesofexperiencedefinesaconceptualspace;forexample,in
thespacedeterminedbyvisualexperience,someareaswillbedefinedbyexperiencesofbrightnessand
othersbyexperiencesofcolor.Therearehigher-order,analogousspacesdefinedbymoreabstractareasof
humanexperienceaswell(e.g.,[intuition]).Somecomplexconcepts(e.g.,[whathappensinatheater])can
drawuponmanydifferentareaswithinthislinguisticrealitymodel.
Semantics:aThought'sContents
Whenapersonsignsorspeaksalinguisticexpressionlike'dog',lookersorlistenerswillthinkofdogs,
andwillmentallyprocessaconceptualstructurethatholdsinformationaboutdogs(i.e.,[dogs]).Theywill
bringthatconcepttomind.Therearewaystobringconceptstomindotherthanbyusinglanguage;for
example,feelingabreezecanmakeyouthink[wind].Inthisexample,[wind]isaconceptualstructure,asis
[dog],but[dog]isalsoasemanticstructure,becausewesaidexplicitlythatithadbeenevokedbyalinguistic
expression.Onlythoseconceptsspecificallyevokedbylanguagearesemanticstructures,andsosemantic
analysisisapartofconceptualanalysis.
YmageBase:ADiagrammaticSemanticStructure
Adiagrammaticrepresentationofasemanticstructureisthebaseofanymage.Thisbasedefinesthe
concept(e.g.,adogtypicallyhasfourlegsandsoon),includingitsadvancedcognitiverelationships(ACRs)
withotherconcepts(e.g.,adogisacanine).AnymagelatticeisdefinedbythewayinwhichtheseACRs
makeymagesinterlock.
Form:aWordShape
139
Meaning:theConstrualofaThought
Thesameymagecandepictdifferentmeanings;forexample,thefollowingymagesrepresentthe
semanticstructuresevokedbytwosimilarphrases,respectively'arseovertit'and'titoverarse':
Figure1:MeaningisConstrualofContent
Thesesemanticstructureshaveidenticalconceptualcontent(i.e.:[arse];[tit];[verticalrelation]),butthe
contentsdifferinhowtheyareconstrued(i.e.,aprofiledoremphasized'arse'versusaprofiled'tit').Meaning,
therefore,isnotjustcontent,butratheritistheconstrualofcontent(asindicatedinthediagrambythe
selectedprofile).
Pleaseallowmetheluxuryofrepeatingthatassertionforemphasis,aspareddowntoitsmost
importantcore:meaningistheconstrualofcontent.Thisideahasbeenveryimportanttomeforhalfofmylife
(i.e.,thebitfromage25onward,not50percentasaggregatedfromsporadicmomentsscatteredhereand
theresinceIwaszero).Letmealsobeclear,though,insayingthatthisideaisnotmine;itisthoroughly
Langacker's.[Note1]
Ymage:aConstruedThoughtShape
Anymageiscompletedwhenitsbaseisassignedaprofile,atwhichpointitrepresentsthemeaning
(i.e.,theconstruedcontent)ofanassociatedphrase.Alinguisticexpression,then,evokesconceptualcontent;
thatistosay,aphrasemakesapersonthinkofsomething.Thatimposesaconstrual;inotherwords,a
phrasemakesapersonthinkofsomethinginaparticularway.
Symbol:aForm-YmagePairing
Ymagesdepictmeaning(i.e.,construedcontent),soasymbolisaform-ymagepairing,suchas:
•astopsign(aredoctagonpairedwith[stop]);
•thewrittenEnglishword'stop'(asequenceofcharacterspairedwith[stop]);
•thewrittenJapaneseword止(asequenceofstrokespairedwith[stop]);
•thespokenEnglishword'stop'(asequenceofsoundspairedwith[stop]);
•thesignedEnglishword'stop'(asequenceofhandshapespairedwith[stop]);
•andsoon.
Meaning:theConstrualofaThought
140
Languageisthusasymbolicprocess,asstudiedbycognitivelinguists.Communicationingeneralisalso
symbolic,asstudiedbysemeiognomists.
Notethatineachcase,themeaningremainsthesame([stop])evenwhentheformchanges.Youcan
seehowthiswouldinformthedevelopmentoftechnologyforthelikesofsearchengines,universal
translators,automatedessayscorers,readabilitymeasurers,andthelike.
Iconicity:WhenFormisYmage
Asymbolisiconicwhenthequalitiesofitsformalparttellyouaboutitsymage;forexample,a
powerfulfontforawordlikeBANGevokesameaningofamorepowerfulsensation,soyouareincreasing
thesymbol'siconicity.TheAmericanSignLanguagesignfor'stop'usesaverticalchoppingmotionofthe
edgeofonehandontheupraised,horizontalpalmoftheother,whichisiconicbecauseofthe'cuttingoff'
shapeofthemotion;however,thestreetstopsignisnoticonic,becausethereisnothinginthenatureofan
octagonoid,orinthecolorred,orintheircoincidence,thatnaturallyevokesthenotionof[stopping].The
stopsignisnotaniconicsymbolthen,butratheritisanarbitraryone.
Whenyouvarytheforceusedintheexpressionofasymbol'sform,youvarythepowerorprecisionof
themeaningthattheformevokes;forexample:abiggerfontindicatesabiggernoise;amorefrenetic
gestureindicatesamoreenergeticmeaning;andwhenawordispronouncedwithgreaterstressorvolume,
itcanindicateameaningthatismorepowerfulorprecisethannormal.Inthephrase,"Thattree?Iwas
expectingaTREE,"theexpectedTREEisprobablybigger,butitmightalsomorepreciselyapproximatethe
person'sideaofthetypicalorperfecttreefortheoccasion.Theformandtheymagearethussaidtobein
directiconicproportiontooneanother.Evenarbitrarysymbols(e.g.,'tree')aresubjecttothisproportion.
Thefollowingoperatorcanbeusedinrepresentativeequationstoshowthatitstwooperands(aformand
anymage)areindirecticonicproportiontooneanother:
Figure2:OperatorforDirectIconicProportion
It'snotimportantthatyouknowwhatImeanbythat,especiallysinceittookmeawholeotherbookto
explainitwell.IjustwantedtoputitherebecauseIthinkthattheoperatorispretty.
SummaryofTerms
Theinformationpresentedinthistutorialbuildsuptothefollowinghierarchyofassertions:
•Formsarewordshapes.
Formshavestructure(i.e.,soundshapes,handshapes,writtenwords).
•Conceptsarethoughtsandfeelings.
Conceptshavestructuredcontents(i.e.,conceptualstructures).
•Semanticstructuresarethoseconceptsthatareevokedbylinguisticforms(i.e.,phrases
makeyouthinkofthings).
Iconicity:WhenFormisYmage
141
Semanticsis,therefore,conceptualanalysis.
•Acognitiveimage(i.e.,ymage)baseisdiagrammaticsemanticstructure.
•Meaningresidesintheconstrualofaconcept'scontents.
•Ymagesareprofiledbasesrepresentingmeaning(i.e.,meaningisymagistic).
Iconicityistheamountthatanexternalformislikeaninternalymage.
•Symbolsarepairingsofformsandymages.
•Languageisasymbolicprocess.
Linguisticexpressions(i.e.,languageforms)imposeaspecificconstrualonthe
contentsthattheyevoke(i.e.,phrasesmakeyouthinkaboutthingsinaparticular
way).
What,then,isthedifferencebetweencommunicationandlanguage?Well,itisnottoohorriblywrongtosay
thatlanguageshavegrammars(i.e.,systemsofrules)andthattheirform-meaningpairingsarealmost
entirelyarbitrary;thatistosay,thereisnoreasonthat[stop]hastobeassociatedwiththelettersorsounds
forthewritten/spokenword"stop,"whichiswhy[stop]iscalledsomethingelseinlanguagesotherthan
English.
***
WhileI'veusedversionsofthisexplanationthroughtheyearsforvariousprojects(includingthe
developmentofnaturallanguageprocessingsystems),mostrecentlyI'vebeenusingittoshowcaregivers
thatwecreatesensorylifestyles(onceknownas"sensorydiets")forneurodiversepeoplenotjustto
introducesomevarietyofengagementintotheirday(althoughthatisalsoagoodthing),butbecause
languageissymbolic,wherewordshaveformsandshapes.Ifapersongrowsupinanenvironmentwithan
impoverishedinventoryofsensoryexperiences,thentheydonothavethesamerangeofformstodraw
uponastheydeveloplanguage,and,asyoumightexpect,thatcancreateabarriertoequitableaccessin
theircommunication.
Howdifferent,then,mightaperson'sformsandmeaningsbe,muchlesstheirsymbolicpairings,if
theirsensoryprocessingoftheirenvironmentisdiverse?
***
Whenitcomestodiversityincorticalsensoryprocessing,thereisacommonmistakenimpressionthat
goesbythenameof"theSwisscheesemetaphor."(Unlikethemermaidsthatwelookedatinanearlier
chapter,thismythcanbeharmful,soitisnotanillusiontomaintain.)Thisdescriptionisoftenusedto
explainsuchimpairmentsspecificallyinvisualprocessing,but(asyounowknow,evenifyoudidnotbefore)
visionisonlyonepartofanymage.Theexpressionissupposedtoconveythenotionthatapersoncansee
andunderstandsomepartsofascenebutnotothers.Itmakesitseemlikesomepartsofaperson'seyes
workbetterthanothers,asifthepersonmightbeexpectedtoreliablyseeandunderstandthingsthatare
alwayspresentedinaspecific,functionalareaoftheirfieldofvision(whichmightnotexist).Simplyput:
that'swrong.Here'swhatIwantyoutoknow:
•Informationcomesatusfromtheenvironment(includingourownbodies)indifferent
ways(i.e.,varioustypesofvision,hearing,touch,olfaction,proprioception,andsoon).
•Typically,wefiltertheimportantinformation(i.e.,thesignal)fromthestuffthatwecan
safelyignore(i.e.,thenoise…whichisatermthatisn'tassociatedonlywithsound).
•Wepullthatsignaltogethertomakearelativelyaccuratemodeloftheenvironment.
SummaryofTerms
142
•Thissystemisenormouslycomplex,andaperson'scompromisedsystemmightfailor
succeedinanumberofdifferentways,anditmightdosoinconsistently.
•So,unlikeSwisscheese,aperson'schallengedsystemisnotgoingtobecomposedof
discrete,reliablybad/goodareasoffailure/success.
•Therefore,whenyouaretryingtogetaparticularmeaningacrosstosomeonewhose
sensorysystemsarenottypical,trymorethanonemodality,trymultipletimes,and
don'texpectthesamethingtoworkeverytime;inotherwords,you'renotjusttrying
totossamarblethroughastableholeintheSwisscheese.
***
Thenthere'ssynaesthesia.Perhapsyouhaveheardofpeople(synaesthetes)wholiveacross-modal
sensorylife,smellingcolors,feelingsounds,andsoon.Thosestoriesaredenselysimplifieddepictionsof
peoplewhoexperienceabroadrangeofhighlycomplexsensations,butthemostbasicnotionisthata
stimulusinaprimarysensorymodalitycanbeassociatedwithsensations,perceptions,andawarenessina
differentone.Sometimeswhatisgettingcrossedaremeaningsratherthansensations,andthephenomenon
isthenreferredtoasideasthesia,whereonecommonformiswhenapersonstronglyassociatesasensory
experience,suchasacolor,withanidea,likeanumberorletter.Suchideasthetesoftenhaveentire
consistentsymbolicsystemsofsuchassociations.Andtheirlanguageisjustthatmuchdifferent.
Sometimestheseeffectsaresubtleenough,oraperson'slifeexperienceprotectiveorjustoutright
unusualenough,thatitcantakeyearsforthemtolearnthatothersdon'tfeelandthinkthewaythattheydo
abouttheirrespectivebodiesandworlds.Naturally,thesameawarenessissuecanapplytoothertypesof
variationaswell,suchascolorvisiondeficiency,facialagnosia,lackofrelativepitch,andtherangeofpain
tolerancesexperiencedbypeoplewholiveontheautismspectrum.Youmightfindlifetobealittleisolating
ifyouhadnoconventional,sharedwordswithwhichtodescribeyourexperiencetoanyoneelse.But,justto
keepthingsinperspective,that'snotalwaysabadthing.Theideasthetesinmyfamilytendtolikeitthat
way;thenagain,ithelpswhenatraitissharedtosomeextentamongthepeopleforwhomyoucare.
Asoneextremeexampleofthatsharing,I'llpointoutthatweknowthatwomenandmendonot
experiencetemperaturethesameway.Putsimply,womentendtofeelcoldmoreeasilythanmendo.Butit
isdifficulttofeelisolatedoneithersideofthatequationwhenfullyhalfoftheusersofyourlanguagehave
alsobeenworkingonwaystodescribethatsharedsensationfor...evar.
Incontrast,Isuspectthatsomepeoplelivealonglifetimewithoutevenrealizing.
Ina(notmuch)laterchapter,we'llapplysomeofthesesameideastoacomparisonofhumanandape
awareness,includingtheirexperienceofthesupernatural.
***
So,isthereapointtothislecture?Well,nope,notreally.Nothingbeyondhelpingfolkstorideamile
insomeoneelse'schair,justliketherestofthisbook.
Oh,crud,Ifeelthatsentencebringingonanotherphilosophicalpoint.(Therearecertainsortsof
sentencesthatsimplyrunahighriskofdoingthattome,suchasthosekindsofsentencesthathavewords
inthem.)Sorryaboutthis,butconsiderthefollowing:mostofthereadersofthisbookwilllikelybe
culturallycomfywithacertainsetofcommongenresinfictionandnonfiction,likefolklore,essay,horror,
mythology,biography,andsoon.Membersofothercultureswillhavetheirownfamiliarforms,suchasthe
Chinesewuxia("martialhero"),Arabicmaqāma(smoothtalkers),andsoon.SonowI'mwonderingifthere's
agenrefor"amileinsomeoneelse'schair"books.
Certainlytheworldisfilledwithbooksthatintroducethereadertoatypicalcharacters,butthistypeof
bookisnotjustthat.Thereisadeliberateintentheretopromotecompassion,thatistosay,"shared
SummaryofTerms
143
feeling."Theauthorwillsometimesbeaninsider,orevenabornmember,butsometimesnot.Therehave
alwaysbeenbooksandothervenues(suchassideshowsandsoon)thathaveputdiversepeopleondisplay
infrontofmoreconventionalmasses,andtherehavealwaysbeensomeamongthosethathavedoneso
preciselytoinspireempathy(e.g.,fablesandothermoralitystoriesabouthelpingthoseinneed).Butthere
arenotonlymanymoresuchdisplaysavailablenow(e.g.,justlookatallofthebooksthathavebeen
publishedrecentlyonautismalone),buttheratiohasshiftedawayfromthosethattrytocapitalizeon
xenophobiaandtowardsthosethatfosterunderstandingandcaring.
Whichsuggeststomethatmaybehumansarestartingtogrowup.
Butitstilldoesn'ttellmeifacommonlabelforthisgenrehasemergedsorecentlythatIjustdon't
knowwhatitis.
Thisbookisatypeofbiographical,narrativenonfiction(assomesortofexperimentalvariationona
treatise),withsometalesgettingtall-ishforhumor(andtostress-testthephilosophizing).Italsosuggests
thatthereisanelementoffolkloretosomeofthesetaleworthycatastrophes.Andallitwantstodoishelp
folkstounderstandeachotherbetter.
Reflection.Thatmightbeagoodnameforthisgenre.Itevokesnotionsof(possiblyparabolic)mirrors,
likemirrorneurons,withoutbeingbiasedtowardsvision(assoundalsoreflects).Itrepresentstheideaof
thinkingbackonoroversomething,pondering,withaheavydoseofmemory(whichcapturesthe
autobiographicalelement);infact,reflectivetasteandsmellareknowntobeamongthestrongesttriggersof
memory."Reflection"bouncesaroundinsidelikefolktalesamongaculture'smembers.There'sanelementof
riskaswell,sincesomethingcanbouncebackatyou.Thenthere'stheextensionofthefunhousemirror,
whereimagesaredistortedoutof"true."Andreflectivetouchmightbeliketwohands,palmtopalm(or
lips).Andwhenyouthinkofrecursivereflection,asinaninfinitymirror,theneveryoneispartofyou,
throughouttimeaswell.
Sofar,Ilikeit.
Reflection.
NOTES
Note1:Thespecificexample,however,isfromDameHelenMirren'sappealtoBritishslangatthe2006
Oscars.WhileLangacker'stypical'ball/table'diagramshavetheadvantageofgraphicsimplicity:
Figure3:ProfiledBall/TableDiagrams
Ididn'twantthatymagetobringupthewholevasectomystoryalloveragain.ButIsupposethatwecould
justsplitthedifferencewith'head/shoulders':
SummaryofTerms
144
Figure4:ProfiledHead/ShouldersDiagrams
[Back]
SummaryofTerms
145
ʃ
S
School-AgeSpectralSpellingDevelopment ʅ
PELLINGFASCINATESME.WhileI'magoodspeller(albeitnotof"bee"quality),I'mnotimmuneto
conventionaltyposorpersonalnemeses(suchas"inadvertantly"and"accidently").I'mrulebound(and
evidentlyelitist)enoughtotwitchwhenIseethingslike:a)'susedforplurals(e.g.,"Orange's$1"or"during
the1980's");b)"wouldof"for"wouldhave";andc)allsortsofhomophonouscarelessnessliketo/too/two,
their/there/they're,andsoon.Andwhileitstillfeelsstrangetodistinguish"text"and"txt,"I'mgettingover
itwithtime.
Thenthere'sthis...
Inmyfirstyearofhighschool,whenmyclasstookastatespellingassessment,Ipurelycouldnot
rememberhowtospell"of."Forsomereason,mybraininsistedontryingtoanalyze"of"ratherthanjust
retrievethememorized,automaticspelling.Iendeduphavingtosettlefor"uv."Asitwasonlythesecond
itemonthetest(after"a"),IassumedthatIwasroyally(orattheveryleastleastnobly)screw-ew-ewed.But,
heartpounding,Igoteverythingelseonthetestcorrect,includingthelikesof"bureaucracy"and
"sovereign."
So,whatthehellhappened?Whatcausedthevaporlock?Stressofsomesortwasnodoubtinvolved,
butwhatwastheunderlyingmechanismthatflushedmyretrievalsystem?Ijustdon'tknow.ButI'venever
forgottenwhatthatfeltlike,tobeabsolutelystumpedbyataskthatIknewshouldhavebeenutterlysimple.
Ithinkthatsometimesmyfutureselfgoesbackandstickshisfingersinmybrainjusttoalterthecourseof
histimeline...whichisokay,sinceIfigurethattheonlywaythatIgotmydissertationwrittenwasbyhis
dictatingitbacktome.
Inanycase,IremainedagoodspelleruntilIstartedteachingundergraduatewriting,atwhichpoint
prolongedexposuretostudentworkskew-ew-ewedmymodelstothepointwhereIcouldnolonger
confidentlytellwhatwasmisspelled.
Then,almosttenyearsago,thisinterestpromptedmetodigdeeplyintodevelopmentalspelling
research.
Myfamilyhasgrowntoincludepeoplewhoarechallengedbyaspellingdisorderthatisspecific
enoughnotto(identifiably)affecttheirreadingorcompositionalskills.Itwasn'tuntilIgottoknowthem
better,andtheircognition,thatIunderstoodthatthisspecificspellingdisorderwasathing,andnotjust
partofamoregenerallanguageorliteracyissuetiedinwitheducation,memory,sensoryprocessing,
attention,dyslexia,dysgraphia,andthelike;however,Ithinkthatthejury'sstilloutaboutanassociation
withnumeracy.
AsIwaslearningmoreaboutthischallenge,Ifoundoutthatspellingisnolongertaughtatsomeof
theschoolsinthisarea(andseeminglyelsewhere)becauseitisheldtointerferewiththefreeflowof
creativityduringwriting.Whilethatistrueinsomesense(andspellingoversightmightusefullybesetaside
duringbrainstormingexercisesandsoon),aninattentiontospellingrunsariskofsomestudentsgettingall
thewayintohighschoolwithoutbeingidentifiedwiththisspecificdisability,particularlyiftheiracademics
appeartobeotherwisesatisfactory.
ʃSchool-AgeSpectralSpellingDevelopmentʅ
146
Summary
Atbase,then,therearesomethingsthatI'dlikeyoutoknowaboutthedevelopmentofspelling
withouthavingtoreadmymonograph,whichisfulloffarmoredetailthanyou'llneed,sowhatfollowsis
justderivedfromthesummaryofthatarticle.I'llusethefollowingterms:
stagetheorists:thoseresearcherswhoproposedthatspellingdevelopsinstages
letter-namespelling:astrategyforspellingaccordingtothenamesoflettersratherthan
theirsounds,likeusingtheletter'a'torepresent'ay'asin'hay'(asopposedtojustthe
'a'soundin'hat').
morphologicalprocesses:changesmadetoaword'sshapejustabovethesoundlevel,such
ascreatingapluralformlike'children'from'child'.
I'vealsoincludedtablesattheendofthisarticletocollectthetermsthatvariousresearchershaveusedto
labeldevelopmentallevelsandspellingstrategies.
Inshort,whentheearlyspellingdevelopmentresearcherschosewordslike"stage"and"wave"to
describetheirtheories,ithadalimitingeffectonthewaythatfurtherresearchdeveloped.Isuggesteda
switchto"spectrum"tofreethatup.
Inlong,thestagetheoristsallcametoagreethatletter-namespellingstartstogivewaytotheexplicit
useofvowelswhenschool-agechildrenstarttosoundoutsyllables(althoughthismightbeswappingthe
cartandthehorse),whichthenallowedforthechildtodevelopanunderstandingofmorphological
processes.Moresophisticatedstrategiesfollowedinsequence.Allofthesestageswereparalleledbyan
increasingrelianceonagrowingnumberofspelledformsrecalledfrommemory.Ineachcase,thetheorists
drewuponthe"stage"metaphortoconveythenotionofatemporalsequenceofbehavioralcores,meaning
thatthechildwasstillseenasmovingfromonetypeofstrategytothenext.Therelianceofthatstage
metaphoruponstrictorderingandboundarieswassoftenedrespectivelybyrecognitionofasequence
overlapandtheblurringofedges,buttheinvariantlyforwardprogressofdevelopmentwasneverseriously
questioned.Thismonotonicity,then,wastheonlycomponentofthestagemetaphorwhichremainedstrictly
defined.
Thisdefinitionaltoleranceweakenedallofthesubsequentattacksonstrictstageorderingand
boundaries,renderingtheconclusionsofsuchstudiesratheranticlimactic,anddampeningwhatwas
otherwisevaluable,illuminatingresearch.Whenthemostvulnerablepartofthestagetheory,namely
monotonicity,wasquestioned,that'sallthatreallyhappened:itwasmerelyquestioned,butnotactually
challengedbytheresultsofanyanalyticresearch.Allinall,itisunfortunatethatthecommon,stepwise
connotationoftheword"stage"shouldcatalyzewiththestagetheorists'overlyenthusiasticcriesof"onward
andupward"tomiscasttheirintentasthebangingtogetherofyetanotherPiagetiandependencystaircase.
Theeventualappealtoadditionalmetaphors,however,mostnotablytheoverlapping"waves"theory,
helpedtoprovideafreshperspectiveonthecharacterizationofthedevelopmentofspellinginschool-age
children.Thepositivechangewroughtbythisintroductionencouragedmetodelveintofurtherdiscussion
aboutyetanothermetaphor,namelythe"spectrum,"whichappearedtocapturethedevelopmentalspelling
processevenmorefelicitously(i.e.,"better"innormalpeopletalk),whichIhopedwoulddriveresearch
whichwouldanswerthequestionsthatremainoutstandinginthefield.
Discussion
MetaphorstoThinkBy
Summary
147
Thestagetheoryhasonegreatunderlyingadvantage:spellingdevelopmentisassociatedwith
increasinglyhigherordering.Childrenfirstspellindividualsounds,andthenoverlapthatwithsyllables,and
thenstringsofsyllables,andalongthewaytheyextractnearestmatchedpatternsforform-meaninglinks
(i.e.,"symbols,"asdiscussedinthepreviouschapter)thattheycanrelyonwhenspellingwordswithwhich
theyarelessfamiliar.Thedivisionofstagesinto"phases"turnedouttobeoftrivialconsequence.Andwhile
thewavesmetaphorisclearerinasmuchasitsnodesareexplicitlysaidtobeoverlapping,infact
significantlyso,itactuallygoestoofarintheotherdirectioninthatithasnointernalportrayalofordering,
andnosenseofinterferencebetweenwaves,eitherconstructiveordestructive.
Aspectrum,incontrast,isanarrayorderedinaccordwiththemagnitudeofacommonproperty,and
infactthereisnonecessaryreasonthatitcouldnotbeamultidimensionalarraybasedonmultiplesuch
properties.Imaginetheletter-namebandasred,thewithin-wordbandasyellow,andthemorphemicbandas
blue,inwhichcaseeveryindividual(childoradult)wouldhavetheirowndevelopmentalgradientasdefined
bythepatternoftheirspellingsamplesonthatspectrum.(Yourspellingstrategymightbesomesortof
purplewithabrownfuzzybandshadingtoyellow.)Nowthrowluminance(i.e.,lightanddark)ontopofthis
chrominance,andyoucanaccountforvarianceaccordingtowordfamiliarity(e.g.,darkpurple).Orthinkin
termsofasoundspectrograph,withtheformantschangingovertime.Thepropertydoesnotmatteras
muchasthedegreesoffreedomofmovementwithinwhatremainsanordereddimensionalspace.
Thepoint,ofcourse,isthatmetaphorscanbecaptivating,andthatisnotalwaysagoodthingforthe
captive.Metaphorsmustbechosencarefullysothatresearcherswillbepromptedtothinkinthemost
illuminatingwaysaboutthenatureofspellingwhenchartingthecourseoftheirfutureresearch.A
researchergroundedinstagesmightneverexaminethepossibilityof"illusoryrecovery"(Scarborough&
Dobrich,1990).Onewhoistransfixedbytheoverlappingwavesmetaphorwillnotinvestigatetheliminal
areasbetweenbands,wherespellingbehaviorislikelytobethemostinteresting,neitherwilltheyfocus
muchattentiononnewstrategies.Whenviewedasaspectrum,however,thepossibilitiesareopenended…
FutureResearch(forSomeoneElse)
Infact,noseriousattentionhasbeenpaidtotheissueofthespellingdevelopmentvector(atleast,not
lasttimeIchecked).Isitalwaysforward?Doimpetuouschildrenhavegreaterforwardvelocitythanbreadth
acrossstrategies?Willagoodspellerrevertwhentheyareimmersedinexamplesofpoorspelling?And
whathappenstospellingattheotherendoftheagecontinuum?Thesesortsofquestionsbegtofosterstress
tests.Thecategorizationoferrorsmadebychampionspellingbeeparticipantsmightbeparticularly
interestinginthisregard.
Andthenthereistheissueofthedegreeofoverlapbetweenspectralbands,whichTreimanand
Cassar(1996)addressedinpart,albeitwithanunfortunatelyflawedexperiment.Mostoftheexistingstudies
examineinventedspelling,andnotcorrectforms(whichcanmakeupasignificantportionofthewords
spelledevenearlyon),socorrectspellingconstitutesabandthatgetsignored.Areearly-correctwordslikely
tobesimple,orfamiliar,orboth?Dotheydisplaymorphophonemicororthographic(asopposedtosimple
orthotactic)regularity?IstheswitchasbinaryasEhri(1986)suggests,oraretherewordsthatarealmost
retrieved?Aretherewordsthatwillbringanadultspellertotheirspellingbee'sknees,causingthemto
resorttoastrategyas"primitive"assounding-out?Andifanadultdoessoundoutawordslowly,willtheir
longvowelsalsobespelledasdiphthongs?Ananalysisofthecharacteristicscommontowordsthatare
easilyspelledwouldstarttosortoutsomeoftheseissues.
Finallytheboundariesbetweenbandsneedtobeexaminedforfuzzinessandinterference.Which
strategiescanexistinparallel,muchlessinharmony?Aretherehybridstrategies,andifso,arethey
vigorous?Inotherwords,whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossaletter-namestrategywithamorphemicone?
Andwhatwordsgive"correct"spellersthegreatestgrief?AlthoughRittle-JohnsonandSiegler(1999)
institutedsomeimportantmethodologicalchanges,muchofthecategorizationworktodatehasbeenhighly
subjectiveinnature,withresearcherstryingtomakeeducatedguessesabouttheintentofthespeller.An
FutureResearch(forSomeoneElse)
148
objectivemethodofspellingsampleclassificationisthebareminimumprogressrequiredbeforefuture
researchcanproceedwithconfidence.
Andthat'sallyouneedtoknow.
ReferencesandOtherReadingsaboutSpelling
Apel,K.(2003).April4,2003SLPChatwithKenApel.RetrievedJanuary6,2004from
http://slpchatarchives.homestead.com/April142003.html
Bear,D.R.,&Templeton,S.(1998).ExplorationsinDevelopmentalSpelling:FoundationsforLearningand
TeachingPhonics,Spelling,andVocabulary.TheReadingTeacher,52,222-242.
Beers,J.W.(1974).FirstandSecondGradeChildren'sDevelopingConceptsofTenseandLaxVowels.Unpublished
doctoralthesis,UniversityofVirginia,Charlottesville,VA.
Beers,J.W.,Beers,C.S.,&Grant,K.(1977).TheLogicbehindChildren'sSpelling.ElementarySchoolJournal,
3,238-242.
Beers,J.W.,&Henderson,E.H.(1977).AStudyofDevelopingOrthographicConceptsamongfirstgrade
children.ResearchintheTeachingofEnglish,11,133-148.
Bissex,G.L.(1980).GNYSATWRK:AChildLearnstoWriteandRead.Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversity
Press.
Cassar,M.T.,&Treiman,R.(1997).TheBeginningsofOrthographicKnowledge:Children'sKnowledgeof
DoubleLettersinWords.JournalofEducationalPsychology,89,631-644.
Chomsky,N.,andHalle,M.(1968).TheSoundPatternofEnglish.NewYork,NY:Harper&Row.
Ehri,L.C.(1986).SourcesofDifficultyinLearningtoSpellandRead.InM.L.Wolraich&D.Routh(Eds.).
Advancesindevelopmentalandbehavioralpediatrics(vol.7,pp.121-195).Greenwich,CT:JAIPress.
Gentry,J.R.(1977).AStudyoftheOrthographicStrategiesofBeginningReaders.Unpublisheddoctoral
thesis,UniversityofVirginia,Charlottesville,VA.
Gentry,J.R.(1978).EarlySpellingStrategies.TheElementarySchoolJournal,79,88-92.
Gentry,J.R.(1982).AnAnalysisofDevelopmentalSpellinginGNYSATWRK.ReadingTeacher,36,192200.
Gentry,J.R.,&Henderson,E.H.(1978).ThreeStepstoTeachingBeginningReaderstoSpell.TheReading
Teacher,31,632-637.
Henderson,E.H.(inpressc.1981).ForwardtoBasicsinReadingInstruction.DeKalb,IL:NorthernIllinois
UniversityPress.
Henderson,E.H.(1981).LearningtoReadandSpell:TheChild'sKnowledgeofWords.DeKalb,IL:Northern
IllinoisUniversityPress.
Henderson,E.H.(1985).TeachingSpelling.Boston,MA:HoughtonMifflin.
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Henderson,E.H.(1992).TheInterfaceofLexicalCompetenceandKnowledgeofWrittenWords.InS.
Templeton&D.R.Bear(Eds.).DevelopmentofOrthographicKnowledgeandtheFoundationsofLiteracy:A
MemorialFestschriftforEdmundH.Henderson.Hillsdale,NJ:LawrenceErlbaumAssociates,Inc.
Henderson,E.H.,&Beers,J.W.(1980).DevelopmentalandCognitiveAspectsofLearningtoSpell.Newark,DE:
InternationalReadingAssociation.
Henderson,E.H.,&Templeton,S.(1986).ADevelopmentalPerspectiveofFormalSpellingInstruction
throughAlphabet,PatternandMeaning.TheElementarySchoolJournal,86,304-316.
Jastak,J.F.,Bijou,S.W.,&Jastak,S.(1978).TheWideRangeAchievementTest.Wilmington,DE:Jastak
Associates.
Masterson,J.,&Apel,K.(2000).SpellingAssessment:ChartingaPathtoOptimalIntervention.Topicsin
LanguageDisorders,20,50-65.
Morris,D.(1981).ADevelopmentalPhenomenonintheBeginningReadingandWritingProcess.Language
Arts,58,659-668.
Read,C.(1970).Children'sPerceptionsoftheSoundsofEnglish:PhonologyfromThreetoSix.Unpublished
doctoralthesis,HarvardUniversity,Harvard,MA.
Read,C.(1971).PreschoolChildren'sKnowledgeofEnglishPhonology.HarvardEducationalReview,41,1-34.
Read,C.(1973).Children'sJudgmentofPhoneticSimilaritiesinRelationtoEnglishSpelling.Language
Learning,23,17-38.
Read,C.(1975).Children'sCategorizationsofSpeechSoundsinEnglish.NCTEResearchReportsNo.17,
Urbana,IL:NationalCouncilofTeachersofEnglish.
Read,C.(1986).Children'sCreativeSpelling.London:Routledge&KeganPaul.
Rittle-Johnson,B.,&Siegler,R.S.(1999).LearningtoSpell:Variability,Choice,andChangeinChildren's
StrategyUse.ChildDevelopment,70,332-348.
Scarborough,H.S.,&Dobrich,W.(1990).DevelopmentofChildrenwithEarlyLanguageDelay.Journalof
HearingandSpeechResearch,33,70-83.
Siegler,R.S.(1996).EmergingMinds:theProcessofChangeinChildren'sThinking.NewYork,NY:Oxford
UniversityPress.
Templeton,S.(1983).UsingtheSpelling/MeaningConnectiontoDevelopWordKnowledgeinOlder
Students.JournalofReading,27,8-14.
Templeton,S.(1992).NewTrendsinanHistoricalPerspective:OldStory,NewResolution–Soundand
MeaninginSpelling.LanguageArts,69,454-461.
Templeton,S.(2002a).EffectiveSpellingInstructionintheMiddleGrades:It'saLotMorethan
Memorization.VoicesfromtheMiddle,9(3),8-14.
Templeton,S.(2002b).GettingReadyforSystematicandSustainedSpellingInstruction.Voicesfromthe
Middle,10(1),58-59.
Templeton,S.(2002c).SupportingStudentsWhoAreStrugglingwithSpelling.VoicesfromtheMiddle,10(2),
54-55.
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Templeton,S.(2003a).TheSpelling/MeaningConnection.VoicesfromtheMiddle,10(3),56-57.
Templeton,S.(2003b).Spelling:BestIdeas=BestPractices.VoicesfromtheMiddle,10(4),48-49.
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11(1),62-63.
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Adults'.JournalofExperimentalChildPsychology,39,182-201.
Treiman,R.,Berch,D.,Tincoff,R.,&Weatherston,S.(1993).PhonologyandSpelling:theCaseofSyllabic
Consonants.JournalofExperimentalChildPsychology,56,267-290.
Treiman,R.,&Bourassa,D.C.(2000).TheDevelopmentofSpellingSkill.TopicsinLanguageDisorders,20,118.
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JournalofExperimentalChildPsychology,63,141-170.
Table1:SynonymsforNamesofSpecificBandsintheSpelling
DevelopmentSpectrum
Band1:
Deviant:Gentry(1977,1978);Gentry&Henderson(1978);Morris(1981)
Precommunicative:Gentry(1982)
Preliterate:Henderson(1985);Henderson&Templeton(1986)
Band2:
Firstlevel:Beers&Henderson(1977)
Preliterate,prephonetic:Henderson(1981)
Prephonetic:Gentry(1977,1978);Morris(1981)
Semiphonetic:Gentry(1982)
LetterName:Henderson(1985);Henderson&Templeton(1986)
Band3:
Secondlevel:Beers&Henderson(1977)
Phonetic:Gentry(1977,1978,1982);Gentry&Henderson(1978);Morris(1981)
WithinWordPattern:Henderson(1985);Henderson&Templeton(1986)
Band4:
Thirdlevel:Beers&Henderson(1977)
Transitional:Gentry(1977,1978,1982);Gentry&Henderson(1978)
VowelTransitional:Morris(1981)
SyllableJunction:Henderson(1985);Henderson&Templeton(1986)
Table1:SynonymsforNamesofSpecificBandsintheSpellingDevelopmentSpectrum
151
Morphemic:Ehri(1986)[andonintoBand5]
Band5:
Correct:Gentry(1977,1978,1982);Gentry&Henderson(1978);Morris(1981)
DerivationalConstancy:Henderson(1985);Henderson&Templeton(1986)
Table2:TermsAnalogousto"Band"
Patternlevel,levelofspelling:Beers&Henderson,1977
Strategy,stage:Gentry,1977,1978;Gentry&Henderson,1978
Strategy,spelling,stage,step:Henderson&Beers,1980
Strategy/spelling(informally);stage:Morris,1981
Stage:Gentry,1982
Period(briefly),stage:Henderson,1985
Overlappingwaves:Siegler,1996;Rittle-Johnson&Siegler,1999
Phaseswithinstage(andredefine"stage"):Treiman&Bourassa,2000
Table2:TermsAnalogousto"Band"
152
ʃ OrangutanPrecognition ʅ
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HENIFINALLYGETBACKTOABOOKI'VEBEENREADING,IfindthatthestorypicksuprightwhereIleftit.It
neveroccurstomethattheactionmightjustkeepongoingwhileI'maway.Iknowthattimewon't
passinthebookwithoutmyactiveparticipation.
Incontrast,IknowthataTVshowwillcontinuewhetherIpayattentionornot.Idon'texpectthe
storytowaitformewhileIgoandgetasnack.IfIleavetorunsomeerrands,IknowthatI'llmisswhatever
happenswhileI'mgone.WhenIgetbackhomeandturnontheTV,Ihavenoexpectationwhatsoeverthat
theshowwillresumefromthepointwhereIturneditoff.
Whichmakesitallthemorespookywhenitdoes.
Imean,it'snottheweirdestthingintheworld,butitsureranksrightupthere,particularlywhenit
happensafewtimesinarow.
It'sevenstrangerwhenthishappenswithmylife.
WhenIreturntoaplaceafterasignificantabsence,Iknowthatthingswillhavechanged.Timewill
havepassed,andpeoplewillhavegoneonlivingtheirliveswithoutmyinfluence.Still,Iamoftenstruckby
anunmistakablefeelingofsameness.Istruggleagainstthecommonsenseconclusionthatthissamenessis
merelyanillusion,becauseitfeelssoreal.
So,Iknowthatthingschange,whichmeansthatIhavetowonderwhat'sgoingonwhenitfeelslike
theyhaven't.
***
I'veknownCarlsincekindergarten,butIlostcontactwithhimacoupleofyearsafterhighschool.We
talkedafteratwenty-yeargap(theinternetisincrediblyusefulinthatregard),andwhilesomethingshad
indeedchanged(suchasmaritalstatus,weight,jobs,kids,andotherlife-stufflikethat),theessential
connectionwasjustthesame.Youmightsuggestthatitwasonlyatrickofthelight,amirageofsimilarity
createdbyemailactingasachange-dampeningfilteroverahazydistance;however,ifthatweretrue,then
othercontactsthatI'vetriedtore-establishshouldalsohavebeensusceptibletothissametrick...butthey
haven'tbeen.Intheseothercases,Imightaswellhavebeentalkingwithastranger,butwithCarl,itwas
thesameasiteverwas.
Inotherwords,itseemsthatwhilesomefriendshipsarelikebooks,othersaremorelike(occasionally
spooky)TVshows.
***
Similarly,Ireturnedtoagraduateprogramafteraleaveofabsenceofthreeyears,andwhilesome
thingshadindeedchanged,IfoundthatinmanycasesImightaswellhaveonlybeencomingbackfrom
lunch(andarathercheap,quicklunchatthat).Thereweresomenewmembersofthecastandcrew,and
justabitofwetpaintonthescenery,buttheoriginalpeopleandscenesthathadsurvivedmyhiatushad
notchangedatall.Naturally,Iunderstoodthattheirlivesweredifferentininnumerablewaysoutsideofmy
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
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interactionwiththem,butthat'spartofthepoint:itwasourinteractioninspecificthathadpickedupright
whereithadleftoff.Therewerenorealquestionsaboutwherewehadbeen,orwhatwehadbeendoingin
themeantime.Theinterimdidn'texist;itwasjustbusinessasusual.
***
Andthentherearethedeaths.
MymaternalgrandparentspassedawaywithinthreedaysofoneanotherwhenIwasaboutthirty.I
hadn'tseenthemallthatoftenwhentheywerealive,andforreasonsthatescapemefromaperspective
decadesdowntheroad(butwhichinvolvedatleastschool,distance,andpoverty),Iwasn'tatthefuneral.
Therewasno"closure."Ifmygrandmotherphonedmerightnow(orrather,ifshehaddonesoyesterday,
becausenowI'monmyguard),mybrainwouldthink,"Howweird…sheneverphonesme."Itwouldprobably
takemealmostanhourtostartthinking,"ThisisthelongestconversationI'veeverhadwithGrandma…
andcometothinkofit,didn'tMomsayshedied?"Andfrankly,Idon'tknowthatthethoughtwouldreally
botherme.I'dlethertalkaslongasshewanted,oruntilIhadtopee,whichevercamefirst.Imean,sinceit
issoveryrarethataTVshowwillpickuprightwhereIleftit,there'snosenseintakingachanceby
turningitoffagain,atleastnotuntiltheshow'sover.
Andwhataboutmydog,Scooter?HelivedforseveralyearsafterIlefthome,anddiedwhileIwas
awayingradschool.Iwouldbegoneformostoftheyear,butwheneverIwenthome,therehe'dbe,happy
toseeme,anddemandingatreat.I'dsitdown,andScooterwouldsethispawonmythighina
companionableway,softlyinsisting,"Roor,"thatistosay,"Cheese."IfIfailedtorespondtothatrequestina
timelyfashion,hewouldsubtlyincreasethedepthtowhichhisclawswoulddigintomyleg,expleting,
"Rroooor!"(Thatistosay,"Cheeeese!")Thiscontinueduntilhegothissnack.HeusedPavlovianconditioning
toteachmyfamilytospeakDog.IfIwalkedintothatoldhousetoday(orrather,asIsaid,ifIhaddoneso
yesterday),Iwouldnotbesurprisedtoseehimthere.Certainlynotassurprisedasthenewtenantswouldbe
toseeme.
Ievidentlyhavetroublewithstronglyinternalizingasenseofloss.
AndIgatherthatI'mnotalone…notbyalongshot.
***
Myinabilitytoembraceabsencewithanyclearsenseoffinalitycan'tcomefromanythingquiteso
simpleasnotattendingthefunerals.IwenttotheserviceformyAuntZelda,andfoughtagainstgiggling
whenthemagnificentorgan(shutup)wheezedinanswertothepriestsayingthatshewasstillamongus.I
probablycouldhaveheldittogetherifIhadn'theardmybrothertryingnottosnort.Mydadtoldus
afterward,almostgruffly,"WhenIdie,youtwoaregoingtoseparatefunerals."That'safinesolutionin
theory,butratherimpracticalwhenyou'resupposedtotiptheremainsoutofanairplaneathowever-many
thousandfeetovertheCaliforniacoast.(Especiallyifthebodyhasn'tbeencremated.)
Now,IknowZelda'sdead.Gone.Notcomingback.I'llneverseeheragaininthelivingworld.Andyet,
ifsheweretowaltzintothisroomrightnowandsetabigplateoffoodrightinfrontofme(assumingthat
shedidn'tlooklikeazestfullystalezombie,ofcourse),I'donlybesurprisedtoseeherspecificallyhere,in
Oregon,sofarfromherhome.I'dlikelywonderwhythepeoplerunningtheWitnessProtectionProgram
hadlethercometoourhouse,whereshemightbeeasilyrecognized.
So,ifmyinabilitytofeellosshasnothingtodowithattendingthefunerals(ornotattendingthem,as
thecasewouldmoreprobablybe),thenwhatisit?
***
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
154
It'samorbidthought,butmaybemyambivalenceisgroundedinthefactthatIwasabsentduringthe
eventssurroundingtheactualdeaths.Inotherwords,Ididn'tseethebodies,andIhavenodoubtbutwhat
thoseWitnessProtectionpeoplecouldfakeaveryconvincingdeathinapinch.Sure,Iknowit'sfarfetched,
butwe'retalkingaboutasituationinwhichmybraindoesn'tseemtoworrytoomuchaboutthesizeofthe
strawit'sgraspingat.Forsomereason,Irefusetoletgountilmyemotionalfingersarepriedloose,so
maybemybrainisjusttryingthesemediocrestrategiestoavoidexperiencingthepainofloss.
That'sasimpleenoughexplanation,Isuppose,butthere'smoretoitthanthat.It'snotjustadenialof
change,it'sademandforcontinuity.
Moretothepoint(buckleyourselfin),thesesortsoflossesandabsencescreatesociotemporalgapsinthe
continuityofmylife,andmybrainwantstofillthemupandsmoothovertheroughedges.AndIhave
reasontosuspectthatyourbraindoesthesamething.
YouknowhowreluctantIamtojustkeepramblingon,butsinceyouinsistsopolitely,I'llexplain
further;besides,you'reprobablystillwonderingwhatallthishastodowithgreatapesanddéjàvu.
Trustme,I'mgettingtothat.
***
You'veprobablyheardofthe"blindspot,"thatcircularareainyourfieldofvisionthatcorrespondsto
theplacewhereyouropticnerveinsinuatesitselfintoyoureyeball.(Ofcourse,twoeyeballsmeanstwoblind
spots.)Therearenophotoreceptorsinthatpartofyourretina,soyoucan'tseewiththatpartofyoureye.
Youdon'tnoticetheblankareabecauseyourbrainfillsitinbydrawinguponotherinformationthatyou
getwhilescanningthescene.Thisfillerdrawsuponalloftheinformationthatcomesinfromthescene
aroundtheblindspot,blendingacontinuous,illusorypictureinyourfieldofvision.Yourbraincancreate
veryintricatepatternsindeed,anditdoessofortheblindspotofoneeyewithoutusinganyinformation
takenfromtheothereye.
Therearetricksthatyoucandotokeepyourbrainfromfillingintheblindspot,andtheyallinvolve
deprivingitofinformationthatitcouldotherwiseusetocreatethiscontinuouspicture.Fortheeasiest
experiment,justholdthefollowingfigureaboutafootawayfromyourface,closeyourlefteye,andstareat
thecross:
Figure5:The"BlindSpot"Experiment
Movethediagramtowardsyouandawayfromyouuntilthedotdisappears.Thatblankarea,wherethedot
shouldbe,istheblindspotforyourrighteye.Rotatethediagramuntilthecrossisontherightside,and
youcantestfortheblindspotinyourlefteye.
(Ofcourse,nowpeoplearewonderingwhyyou'rereadingthisupside-down.)
***
Sohereyouare,lookingattheworldallday,andyourbrainischeerfullymakingupstuffforyouto
seethat'snotreallythere,inordertomakeupforalloftheotherstuffthatitdoesn'tletyousee,eventhough
itisthere.
Now,Iwanttotalktoyouaboutbothofthesepoints,becausetheyaddtogethertocometoan
interestingconclusion.Tokeepthings(includingmyself)fromgettingconfused,I'mgoingtofinishwiththis
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
155
firstpart(aboutyourbraincreatingyourworldforyou)beforemovingontothesecondpart(aboutyour
braincensoringyourworldsothatyoudon'tgettoknowabouteverythingthat'sinit).Addthese
observationstogether,andtheresultsarehairraising(andnotinagoodway).
***
Tobeginwith,itissaidthatNatureabhorsavacuum(muchpreferringarugbeater…sorry,it'san
obligatoryjokewithoutwhichtherewouldbeahumorvacuum,and,well,youknow),andyourblindspot
representsadiscontinuitysimilartothesociotemporalgapthatwetalkedaboutearlier.Yourbrainwantsto
coveritsbutté(pardonmyFrench),andfillinthatgap.
What'sreallyinterestingisthatevenifthere'ssomethingmorecomplicatedthanjustadotinyour
blindspot,yourbrainwillstillfillitin,anditwilluseapatternthatisconsistentwithitssurroundings;but
therearelimits.Iftinybluesquaressurroundyourblindspot,thentinybluesquareswillalsofillyourblind
spot;however,ifyoudrawalongverticallinedownthroughthedotinFigure5,thenyourbrainwillfillin
theline,butignorethedot.That'sbecauseitcangetinformationaboutthelinefromtheareaoutsideofthe
blindspot,soyourbrainknowsthatthelineexists,butthedotdoesn'texist,becauseitiscompletelyhidden
insideoftheblindspot.Inshort,yourbrainwillworkhardtofillinthegap,buttherearelimitstowhatit
cando.
It'snotunreasonabletosuggestthatyourbrainwillworkequallyhardtofillinothersensory-deprived
spotstomaintaincontinuity.There'saplaceonmyshinthathasbeennumbeversinceIsplittheskindown
totheboneinanawkwardbench-tagaccident(asdescribedin"Discoveries").Ifyouholdalitmatchnear
thatspot,Iwillsay,"Areyoucrazy!You'regonnaburnsomeonewiththatthing!"butIwon'tfeelanything
otherthanfearlacedwithagenerousdollopofanger;however,ifyouaimaheatlampatthearea,thenmy
brainwilltellmethatmywholeshinisgettingwarm,includingtheotherwisenumbplace.Mybrain,and
yours,prefersitsnetworkofsensationtoremainmassivelyinterconnected,evenifitneedstofudgethe
experienceabit.(Mmm…fudge.)
So,whyshouldn'tyourothersenses,suchasfeelingsofemotionalpleasureandpain,workthesame
way?Ifyouleavepeopleandplaceswithoutestablishingastrongsenseofemotionaldiscontinuity(suchas
sayinggood-bye,orshakingthedustoffyoursandals),thenIdon'tseeanyreasonwhyyourbrainwouldn't
trytoblendtheedgesofthiscomingandgoing.
Thissoundstomelikeit'srelatedtothenotionof"objectconstancy,"whichyoudevelopwhenyou're
stillaninfant.Thiscognitivefunctionletsyouunderstandthatthepacifier(ornipple)beingstuckintoyour
mouthisthesameexactpacifier(ornipple)astheonethatyoujustspitoutamomentago.(Nipple,nipple,
nipple…getoverit.)Likewise,ithelpsyoutolearnthatyoudon'thaveanunlimitedsupplyofdifferent
mommiesordaddieswhojusthappentolookalike;youbegintofigureoutthatyouonlyhaveasmall
numberofmommiesanddaddieswhokeepwanderinginandoutoftheroom.Whenyouplaypeek-a-boo,
youstarttorealizethatyoudon'tseeadifferentfaceeverytime,butonlythesamefacethatcomesand
goes.Yousee,yourbrainstartsbrainwashingyou(andwhobettertodoso)whenyouaretooyoungto
resist.
Ofcourse,thisparticularbrainfunctionmakesgoodsensewhenyouconsiderthatthealternative
wouldbeforparentstostoplovingtheirkidseverytimetheywereapart,andviceversa.Imean,ifabsence
didn'tmaketheheartgrowfonder(orattheveryleastdidn'tkeeptheheartfromgrowingsignificantlyless
fond),thentheresimplywouldn'tbeanyfamilies.Largersocialgroupswouldbeoutofthequestion.Your
brainremembersthatyoulikepeopleevenwhenthey'renotalwayswithyou,helpingyoutobridgethegap
oftheirabsence.
So,withCarl'shelp,mybrainseamlesslyfilledinourtwenty-yearcontactgap.
Andifoneofmydeadfriends,relatives,orpetsevercomesbackintomylife,mybrainwillworkhard
togetmetoignoretheblurredsociotemporalboundaries.Basically,thesepeople(humanorotherwise)are
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
156
aliveformeuntilprovendead,overthestrongresistanceofmybrain.
Thedefaultpreferencehereisclearlyforanignoranceofabsence.
Whichisrelatedtoonelastphenomenonthatweshoulddiscussbeforegettingontothepartabout
yourbraincensoringyourworld.
***
Itturnsoutthatinsomecases,whenapersonunexpectedlyreturnstotheirfamilyafterhavingbeen
givenupfordead,theirlovedoneswillactuallyresentthem(muchtoeveryone'sconfusedgrief).You'dthink
thateveryonewouldbeoverjoyed,butitseemsthatafterpeoplegothroughallofthepainofacceptingthe
lossofalovedone,especiallyaftersupportingthemthroughaprolongedillness,theyresisttakingtherisk
oftrustingthemagain.Someofus,whenwelovesomeone,trustthatpersonnottoleave,andweinclude
trustingthemnottodie,sodyingisabetrayalofthattrust.
Look,itdoesn'thavetobefair;it'sjusthowsomepeoplefeel.
AngergetsdirectedattheLazaroid,becausethere'snooneelsetotaketheblameforallofthepain
andfearthatturnedouttobe(insomesense)unnecessary.
Someofyouarethinkingthatyouwouldneverfeelanythingbutgreatjoyatthereturnofalovedone,
butthefactofthematteristhatmanyofyou,facedwiththerareandrawrealityofthissituation,would
findoutmuchtoyourdismaythatyouwere,infact,angry,hurt,andafraid.
Whensomeonehasbeenalive,yourbrainwantstocontinuetotreatthemasalive,evenafteryouknow
thatthey'redead,butwhensomeoneisirretrievablygone,thenyourbrain(likewise)wantstocontinueto
treatthemasdead,evenifitturnsoutthattheyhaven'tleftafterall.Ifyoutrytogetyourbraintoaccepta
changethatwon'tblendseamlesslyintoyourlife,itwilltrytosnapyoubackintotheoldpatternifyou're
notconstantlyonyourguard.Yourbrainwantstomaintainthecontinuitythatithasestablished.Ifyoudo
finallygetittosurrender,thenitwilladoptthisnewcontinuity,andfightagainstyouifyoueverwantitto
switchbackagain.
Ithinkthat'swhy,asamatterofreflex,wedrawuponsuchstrongemotionsintimesofgreatchange.
Itwouldtakeagestogetyourbrainusedtoachangeifyouhadtorelyonpurelyrationalprocesses;
however,ifyousurrendertogrief,orjoy,oranyothersenseofbeingemotionallyoverwhelmed,thenyou
canwantonlybludgeonyourbrainintosubmission.Youremotionswillalwaysdominateyourhigher
cognitivefunctionsinatimeofcrisis.Thisdynamicisnotalwaysconvenient,butnonethelessitisusually
thebestwaytogo.Youdon'twantyourbraintobeexplicitlycalculatingtrajectorieswhilesomehuge,
hungry,angrily-toothedthingisbearingdownuponyouathighspeed.Whatyoureallywanttodoatthat
pointistogiveintofearandtakefulladvantageofthegloriousadrenalineflood.Runfirst;askquestions
muchlater,ifever.
Maybethesamethinghappenswhenthissortofangerisdirectedatareturnedlovedone.Ifyouget
angry,itdoesn'ttakeyouaslongtogetbacktobeinghappy,becauseyouforceacceptanceofthechange
onyourreluctantbrain.
Thenagain,maybeitjusthappensbecausepeopleareangryatbeingputthroughallofthatgrieffor
nothing.Butthat'sprettyhorrible,solet'satleastpretendthatpeoplearedoingsomethingtogethappy
faster,ratherthantostayangrylonger.
Eitherway,it'snotreallyyourbrain'sfault;itcan'thelpthefactthatit'sdesignedtoidentifynewthings
asvariationsonoldthings…that'showyoulearn(giveortake).Yourbrainhasanaturalpreferenceforthe
familiarbecausethat'swhatitusestoexplaintheunknown.Itrejectschangeinfavorofcontinuity,anddoes
itsbesttodisguiseabrupttransitions,gaps,andothersensoryirregularities.Thisstrategykeepsthings
runningassmoothlyaspossibleinyourlife,soyoucanfunctionwithoutinterruption.Believeme,thisis
muchnicerthangrindingtoahalteverytimesomethinginyourenvironmentstrikesyouastheleastbit
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
157
unusual;forexample,somedogsbarkincessantlywhenyouleavethetrashcansittingjustafewinchesto
onesideofitsnormalposition.Theyareobsesseduntilyouputitback.Thedownsideisthatyoucan'ttrust
everythingthatyourbraintellsyou,becauseit'ssmoothingoverthedisturbingdetails.(Youcan'ttrust
everythingthatItellyoueither,butunlikeyourbrain,I'mhonestaboutit.Really.)
So,yes,yourbrainlovesyou,butit'soverprotective.Itnevergetstothepointwhereitthinksthat
you'rereadytomoveoutonyourown.Myadviceistolearntolivewithit,becauseyouwon'tfindany
brainotherthanyourownthatwilltreatyouwithanymoredignitythanthat.
***
So,let'ssumupthisfirstpart.
Yourbrainlovescontinuity,becauseitthrivesonpreviouslyestablishednetworksofinterconnections.
Thiscontinuityhelpsyoutolearn,andtofunctionwithoutmassdisruptionofyourbehavior.Tomaintain
thistranquilperspectiveonyourworld,yourbrainwillplaytricksonyoutocoverupgapsinyour
perception.
Inshort,yourbrainmakesyousensethingsthataren'treallythere.
Whichcanbeterriblycreepywhenyou'realone.
Orwhenyouthinkthatyou'realone.
Particularlybecauseatothertimesyourbraintellsyouthatyou'realone,whenyou'renot.
Whichbringsustothelong-awaitedsecondpart...
***
Let'sstartbytalkingabouthowyourbrainplaysfastandloosewithitsportrayaloftheworldaround
you.Mostimportantly,I'mgoingtotellyouaboutthebigdifference,asmeasuredinbraintime,between
themomentthatyousensesomething,andthemomentthatyourbrainactuallyletsyouknowthatyouhave
sensedsomething.Whendescribedproperly(andyouknowthatIneverdescribeanythinglessthan
properly),thistemporaldisparityneatlyexplainssuchunusualtypesofcognitionasnaturalprecognition.
"What'snaturalprecognition?"youmightask,towhichqueryImightanswer,"Well,ifyou'lljusthold
onasec,I'lltellyou."
BecauseI'mconvenient(andsonicetomyselfabouttheimposition),I'mgoingtousemyselfasan
exampleagain.Heregoes.
Ihappentohavevery,veryfasteye-handreflexes(ordid).Iknowthisforafact,becauseoverthe
courseofseveralyears,Ihaverepeatedlytakenyardstick-grabbingandbutton-pushingtestsatfour
prominentScienceCentersintwodifferentcountries,andmytestresultswerealwaysremarkablyconsistent
(henceIamremarkingonthem).Andasyouknow,youcan'targuewithinformal,consistenttestresults.
(Well,Ican,butI'mnotgoingto,becauseitwouldspoilthestory.)
Thetestissimple.Ayardstickdanglesverticallyfromanelectromagnet.Youplaceyourthumband
forefingeroneithersideoftheyardstick,downattheverybottom,andwhenthetestlightgoeson,the
electromagnetreleases,andyoupinchtheyardstickasfastasyoucantokeepitfromfalling.Thedistance
markedbyyourfingersontheyardstickisanindicatorofhowfastyourreactiontimeis.
Thebutton-pushingtest,incomparison,givesyouanactualtimedreadoutofhowfastyoureactwhen
thelightgoeson(orwhenabuzzergoesoff...which,whenyouthinkaboutit,isaprettyweirdwayof
sayingthatthebuzzergoeson).Thistestgivesyouameasurementdowntothemillisecond,andaccording
tothecharts,Iwasoneheckofaquickbuttonpusher.(Toobadtherestofmybodyissoslow.)
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
158
ThetrickisthatIdon'twaitformybraintotellmethatthelighthasturnedon;Ijustletmyhand
closewheneverit'sready,allonitsown.WhenI'mcalm,andthinkingaboutsomethingotherthantaking
thetest,observerstellmethatmyhandseemstomoveevenbeforethelightcomeson;however,according
tothetimer,Ineverpressthebuttontooearly.There'snothingmysticalaboutthis,myhandissimply
reactingtoapartofmybrainthatregistersthesensationofthelightturningon,withoutwaitingfor
anotherpartofmybraintoactuallysay,"Hey,you:thelightturnedon."Ireacttotheperceptionofthat
sensation,andnottotheawarenessofhavingexperiencedthatsensation.Icansafelytakethisshortcut
becauseI'mfamiliarwiththistest,soIdon'tneedtowaitformybraintoanalyzethesensationandtellme
whattodo.Icanjustreactwithoutthinking.
Isuspectthatmanyathletesrelyonthesesortsofperceptivereflexes,ratherthantheawarenessofan
eventoccurring.Theirbodygetssofamiliarwiththegamethattheycanavoidbeingsloweddownbytheir
brains,atleastwhenitcomestotheneedforsplit-secondreactiontimes.
Justincaseyouthinkthatthisisjustmoreofmyownspecialbrandofmumbo-jumbo,I'llpointout
thatI'mnotnearlytheonlyonetomakethesesortsofclaims.Theresultsofnon-invasivebehavioraltestson
non-humananimalsalsosupporttheportrayalofacrucialdifferencebetweenperceptionandawareness.As
itturnsout,therearesomespeciesofbirds,pigeonsinparticular,thatseemtobehavesolelyona
perceptivebasis,andneveranawareone.Onthesurface,theobservedbehaviorcanseemquitesimilarto
whatwethinkofasawareness;moretothepoint,toushumans,itcertainlylookslikethosepigeonsmust
havesomethingakintohumanawareness,butthat'sonlybecausewedon'tthinktoquestionhowpigeons
couldpossiblydowhattheydodo(shutupagain)withouthavingsomethinglikeawareness.
Weassumethatwhateverprocessingtheyhaveisdifferentonlyindegreefromhumanawareness(i.e.,
somesortofapigeon-sizedversion),whenwhattheyreallyexperienceisadifferentkindofinteractionwith
theirworld.Wethinkthattheyflyawayfromusbecausetheyknowthatwe'regettingtooclose,wheninfact
theyflyawayonlybecausetheyperceivethatweareapproaching.Intermsofthebutton-pushingtest,you
couldsaythatpigeonsreactonlytoperceptions,becauseapigeon'sbraindoesn'thavethecomponentthat
makesahuman'sbrainsay,"Hey,you(somethingistooclose)."
Iwon'tdiscusstheresultsofinvasivetests,becauseIwouldnotbecomfortablederivinganypersonal
benefitfromtheresultsofsuchtesting;infact,Iamreluctantingeneraltoprofitfromthemisfortunesof
others,evenwhen(andperhapsparticularlywhen)thoseothersareanimals(well,okay,otherthaneating
them).Similarly,therearepeoplewhosecognitivefunctions,andrelatedbehavior,arehighlyunconventional
(generallyastheresultofabraininjury);however,myreservationsabouttabloidingwon'tallowmetodraw
upontheirliveshere,notforthesakeofsomethingasunimportantassupportingmyspeculations.
Havingsaidthat,however,itseemsclearthatthere'snothingtostopmefromdrawinguponunusual
factorsinmyowncognition,especiallywhensuchstoriesillustratemypseudoscientifictheories.Soheregoes
(oncemore)…
***
IhadflowntoOttawaforabusinessmeetingaccompaniedbyJana("WordWoman").Weweremetat
theairportbyNorm("IHateComputers"),acompanysalesrepwhowasdrivingustothefederalbuildingto
meetwiththeheadofHeritageCanada.(Gregwasalsoatthemeeting,sowhydon'tIrememberhiminthe
car?)Iwasinthefrontseat,andalthoughIhadneverbeentoOttawabefore,Iwasdisturbedtofindthat
oncewegotintothecity,everythinglookedintimatelyfamiliar.NomatterwhereNormdrove(streets,
sidewalks,orlobbiesasnecessarytododgethechaoticmigrationoftraffibliviouspeds),IfeltthatIknew
eachandeverybuilding;butthatwasclearlyimpossible.
Andthenitstruckme:whileIthoughtthatIknewthebuildingsverywellindeed,Icouldn'tthinkof
whatwewouldbeseeingnextasNormkeptdriving.Iwasn'tabletopictureanythingbeyondmyfieldof
vision,butassoonasnewscenerycameintoview,IjustknewthatIhadseenitbefore.Ontopofallthis,
thepeopleandcarsalsoseemedfamiliar,whichruledoutanychancethatImightsimplyhaveforgotten
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
159
sometriptoOttawathathadotherwiseburneditselfintomysubconscious.Somethingwassimplymaking
mefeelasifIhadalreadyseeneverythingthatIwasseeing.Itwasanunusuallyprolonged,lucidepisodeof
precognition.(Doyousee?We'regettingcloserandclosertothewholeorangutanthing.)
Forseveralminutes,mymemoryofthestreetsslippedinandoutofsyncwithmyvision,andIwasso
distractedbythissensorydislocationthatIunreservedlyclackedonandon(tomycaptiveaudience)about
theverytimedelaytheoriesthatwe'vebeendiscussinginthisessay.Mycolleaguesheardmoreaboutlights
andyardsticksinthosefewminutesthanmostpeoplewilleverhavetosufferinalifetime.Inretrospect,my
impromptulecturewasn'tthebestwayformetoinspireconfidenceinmysanityjustbeforetheBigMeeting
withtheMinister,butIhadnothingtoworryabout.I'msurethatJanawouldn'thavepushedmeoutofthe
caruntilNormhadswoopedfairlyclosetoabackyardpool.It'soneofthoseCanadianpolitenessthingsyou
alwayshearabout.
Givenourdiscussiontothispoint,itseemsentirelyplausibletosuggestthatIwasreactingtotheraw
perceptionofwhatIwasseeing,wherethatperceptionprecededtheprocessedversionorawarenessofthose
sights.Itwasthistimedelaythatwasgivingmethefeelingoffamiliaritywithmysurroundings;inother
words,bythetimethatIwasactuallyawareofwhatIwasseeing,Ihadbeenfamiliarwiththosesights,but
onlyattheperceptuallevel.
***
So,thereyouare,boppingalong,thinkingsomeregularoldthoughtsbasedonyourexperienceofthe
outsideworld,ormaybeyou'rejustmullingoversomepleasantmeanderingsinsideyourhead,whenallofa
suddenyourperceptiongetsoutofsync(or,touseamoretechnicalterm,whack)withyourprocessed
awarenessofthoseverysamethoughts.Youslipintothesenseofhavingalreadyexperiencedtheworldin
preciselythatwaybefore,thinkingtheexactsamethoughtsasbefore;however,despitethissenseofhaving
alreadyhadpreciselythesameexperience,youfindthatyoucan'tthinkaheadandpredictwhatwillhappen
morethanamomentintothefuture.Yourfamiliarityisnevermorethanamomentaheadoftheactual
eventitself;inthatsense,you'renotactuallyexperiencingabroadtemporalgapbetweentwoinstancesof
awareness,butratheronlyamomentarygapbetweenyourperceptionandyourawarenessofanevent.
Now,I'mnotdenyingtheexistenceofanysupernaturalcasesofdéjàvu,whichmightinfactinvolve
largetemporalawarenessgaps,I'mjustsayingthatyoucanaddthenotionofnaturalprecognitiontoyour
understandingoftheworld,sinceitneatlyexplainsthat"tipofthefuture"feelinginyourhead.
***
So,whatdoesprecognitionhavetodowithyourbraincensoringyourexperienceoftheworld?The
importantoverlapisthetimedelaybetweenyourperceptionandyourawareness,whichyourbrainusesto
coordinatealloftheincomingsensoryinformationsurroundinganevent.Itisthiscoordinated,coherent
bundlethatisfedtoyouasyourawarenessofthatevent.
That'soneheftyeditingjob,andyouwouldbecompletely,complexlyamazedattheamountof
informationthatyourbrainfiltersoutandin.
***
Justasyourbraincreatesinformationtofillinemptyspaces,asinthevisualorsociotemporalgapswe
weretalkingaboutearlier,italsodeletesinformationbeforelettingyouknowwhat'sgoingonatthe
awarenesslevel.
Sometimesthat'sagoodthing.Youdon'twanttoalwaysbeawareofeverylittlesensationinyour
environment.Usually,youwanttoacclimatetothefeelingofclothingagainstyourskin,orthesoundofthe
refrigeratorhumminginthebackground.Infact,thelackofanabilitytohabituatecancauseyouserious
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
160
problems.(Idon'thaveroomhereforalongdiscussionofcertaintypesofautism,orWilliamsSyndrome,
andsoon,butIencourageyoutofindoutmoreonyourown.)Mostofthetime,yourbraindoesn'tbother
youwithanydroninginthebackground,anditonlyinterruptsyouifthereisaweirdblipontheradar.
Butsometimesyourwilybrainsmoothesoutablipforthesakeofmaintainingitsbelovedcontinuity.
Everwonderwhypeoplefeelfearwhentheredoesn'tseemtobeanyreason?
Everfeellikeyou'renotalone,evenwhenthere'snoonearound?
Wheneveryourbraintellsyounottoworry,insistingthatthere'snothingthere,butyourbodyis
tellingyoutoworry,becausesomethingisthere…maybeyoushouldlistentoyourbody.
Yourbodyispluggedintotheperceptionthatyourbrainonlytellsyouaboutineditedform.Your
brainwantstoexplaineverythingasacoherentwhole,andifitcan't,itwillfudgethingsalittle…oralot.In
contrast,yourbodyhasnoulteriormotive.
Don'tbelieveme?
Thenletmeaskyouthis:howoftendoyounoticeyournose?(Thoseofyouwithlittlebuttonnoses
willjusthavetopretendthatI'mtalkingabouttheframesofyourglassesorsomething.)Asyoureadthese
words,yournoseisintheperipheryofyourvision,rightbyyour,well,yournose.Goahead,lookupfrom
thispageforaminute,andasyoulookaround,noticethatyournoseisstillthere.Don'tworry,that
awarenessiskindofanuisancerightnow,butyou'llgobacktoforgettingallaboutyournosesoonenough.
Whydon'tyouseeyournoseallthetime?Becauseitwoulddriveyouberserk,that'swhy.Sure,there
areanimals(evenaslargeastigers)thatyoudon'tseeuntiltheymove,evenifthey'rejustinchesawayfrom
yourface,butthat'sbecausetheyblendintothebackground.Yourbrainprovidesyournosewithaneven
betterdisguisethancamouflage.Yourbrainmakesyournoseinvisible.
Yourbraindoesn'tletyouseeanythingthatitdoesn'tthinkyoushouldsee.
***
Giventhatyourbrainhidesyournoseintheperipheryofyourvision,andthehomelessinthemargins
ofyoursocialguilt,howmuchmoredoyouthinkitcanhideinthegapbetweenyourperceptionandyour
awareness?
Andwhatifthatgapismuchlargerthanyouthinkitis?Whatifyourawarenessisnotmeremoments
behindyourperception,butamatterofseveralseconds?Reachoutandtouchsomethingnearyou.Didyou
feeltheexactmomentofcontact?Whatifthatexactmomentactuallyhappenedacoupleofsecondsago,
anditjusttookthatlongforyourbraintoputeverythingtogetherandtellyouaboutit?
Don'tworry,it'saninterestingthought,butthegapreallyisonlyamatterofmoments,otherwise
you'donlyeverbeabletoswataflyasamatterofluck.Toomuchsurvivalreliesonfragment-of-a-second
coordinationfortheconventionalgaptogrowbeyondmorethanafewmomentsinaneurotypicalperson.
It'sonlyacrack,butthenagain,soisthespacebetweenyoursofacushions,andthinkofallthestuffthat
hasescapedthroughthere.
So,what'ssmallenoughtofitintosuchasmalltemporalgap,butbigenoughtomakeyourbodyfeel
likeyou'renotalone,evenwhenyourbrainsaysyouare?
Well,youare,forone.I'mnottalkingaboutyourpersonality,oryoursenseofself,whichareformsof
awareness.I'msuggestingthatthereisaperceptualversionofyoursenseofselfthatcangetoutofwhack
withyourpersonality.Addtogetherallofthelittlesensationsthatwe'vebeentalkingaboutasyour
perceptionoftheworld(thesights,sounds,feelingofyourjointsrubbingtogether,yourthoughts,andso
on),andyoucancreatearatherimpressiveself,aprototypethatyourbraineditsoutofyourawareness,but
whichyourbodycanstillperceive.Thecoordinated,coherentsenseofself,theonethatyouthinkofasthe
real"you,"isanechoofthisghost.
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
161
Howveryinsubstantial.
Notthattherearen'tsupernaturalghosts,butI'mnotworriedaboutthem(atleastnotwiththelights
on).I'mjustsayingthatbeforeyoureacttotheeditedversionofyourworld(i.e.,yourawareness),youcan
sometimesslipintothemodeofreactingtotherawversion(i.e.,yourperception).Thiswillhappenbefore
yourbrainhidestheperceptualversionofyourself.
Sotherereallyisaghostintheroomwithyou.
Rightnow.
Always.
It'syou.
Boo.
***
Okay,afterallofthatpreparation,we'refinallyreadytotalkaboutapes.Andwhenyou'redone
readingthissection,ifitdoesn'tturnouttohavebeenworththewait,thenIwon'tbeoffendedifyougo
backandunreadtheessay.
Promise.
***
Ingeneral,Iwanttoknowifapebrainsareasdeceptiveasthoseofhumans,andinspecific,Iwantto
knowhoworangutansfeelaboutsubjectiveeventslikeprecognition.
Yousee,apesandhumans(unlikepigeons)havedifferentdegreesofthesamekindofawareness,and
theysharethesamekindoftemporalgapbetweenperceptionandawareness;therefore,weshouldexpect
apestoexperiencenaturalprecognitionandghosting,justashumansdo.
Butisitreallythesamesortofexperienceforthem?
Well,asarborealcreatures(tovaryingdegreesbyspecies),theirbrainsmustfillintheirblindspots,
becausetheydon'twanttogoreachingoutforatreelimbwithwhitepatchesintheirfieldofvision.Asprey
(whentheyarechildren,ifatnoothertime),itwouldbebadforabigblankspottoobscureapredator's
facethatwashoveringinthegrass.Whethercreatedorevolved,suchobliviousspeciesdonotsurviveunless
theyreproduceinmassquantities(likepedestrians),whichapesdonotdo.Besides,iftherewereacoupleof
whitepatchesfloatingaroundallthetimeintheirfieldofvision,they'dbespendingalloftheirtimetrying
tolookatthem,whichtheydon't.Soapebrainsdo,infact,edittheirperceptions,justlikehumanbrainsdo.
Givenwhatwenowknowaboutapebrainsfillinginperceptualgaps,itisnaturalforustoaskabout
sociotemporalones.Thequestionbecomeswhetherapesareconsciousenoughoftheirsensesofself,other,
andabsence,forspecificallysociotemporalgapstooccurtotheminthefirstplace.
Ithinkthatthismustbethecase,becauseapestellsomesophisticatedstoriesthatnotonlydistinguish
betweenselfandothers,butwhichrecounteventsintheirpast,andallowthemtorelivesomeofthe
emotionsassociatedwiththoseevents.ThecanonicalexampleiswhenMichaelrelatedthesadnesshefeltas
achild,whenhismotherwasmurderedbypoachers.(Yeah,I'mstretchingthedatatomakeapoint,butI
thinkit'sonlyamatteroftimebeforestorieslikethisaredemonstrablytruerinthespecificsthanI've
portrayedhere,ratherthansimplytrue.Sothisisgoodenoughforentertainingplausibility.)Soapesand
humanssharenotjustthesamekindofawareness,butthesamekindofconsciousness,thatistosay,they
shareasimilarperspectiveontheirplaceintheirenvironment,includingtheirfamily.
SowhatwouldMichaelthinkifhisdeceasedmothersuddenlyshowedupanddroppedabunchof
bananasinfrontofhim?Wouldhethink(andvigorouslysign),"Mom!WhatareyoudoinginStanford?Are
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
162
thoseWitnessProtectionpeoplenuts?Andspeakingofnuts,youwouldn'thappentohaveany,wouldyou?
No?Rats.No,Mom,Ilikebananas,really,andIappreciateitwhenyoucookforme,but…but…buthey…
holdonjustafruit-pickin'minute…Ithoughtyouweredead!"Or,maybehewouldn'thavethis"book"
reactionatall,butratherhewouldexperiencetherelativesublimityofthe"TVshow"reaction,namely,
"Yaiiigh!Whatthefecesisgoingonhere?!"Now,imaginewhatitwouldbeliketogothroughthesesortsof
disturbingeventswithoutbeingabletoresolveyourconfusion,andfear,bysharingthemcommunicatively
withanyone.
***
Partoftheproblemisthatalloftheseexperiencesarehighlysubjective,andtheylosesomethingwhen
they'renotaconventionalpartofyourculture.It'smucheasiertotalkaboutdéjàvuwithsomeonewhohas
alsoexperiencedthephenomenon(baDEEdadeedee).Mostofushavefeltthisdisassociation,soweknow
insidewhatitfeelslike,evenifthatdoesn'thelpustodescribeitadequatelyinsomanywords.Andwedo
havetermsforitthateveryonerecognizes,like"déjàvu"and"precognition,"butsometimesthat'snotmuch
help.Totrulyunderstandthefeeling,youjusthavetogothereyourself,muchliketheHouseontheRock(in
Wisconsin…you'llloveit).
Humanshaveanunfairadvantageinthattheycansaythingslike,"Omigawd!IjustknowthatI've
eatenthisexactsamebananabefore!Thisissoweird!HeyHuey!You'reabouttosay…waitasec…ohdang,
thefeeling'sgone.Manohman,thisdéjàvustuffisliketotallyweird.KnowwhatImean?"Andthethingis,
youdoknowwhatImean,eventhoughit'samessilydescribedinternalevent,particularlyifithashappened
toyou.Wecanalsotalkwitheachotheraboutghosts,andworktogethertocomeupwithsomesortof
mythologythathelpsustofeellessworriedaboutwhat'shappeningtous.Wecanallayourfearsatleastto
theextentthatwehavecompanyinourfright.Itallowsustorestassuredthatwe'renomorecrazythanall
theotherpeoplewhohavehadthesameexperience.Theimportantpointisthatthisisacommunion
deniedtoapes;thatistosay,theyhaveyettoshowevidenceofusingcommunication(languagein
particular)tothedegreerequiredtoconveythesesortsofideas,andtheyseemtobenomoreproneto
telepathythanhumansare.
Yes,someapescanuselanguagetocommunicateverywellabouttheireverydaylives,butnoneof
themhasdecidedtoshowhumansanyevidenceofexchangingideasaboutcomplexsubjectiveexperiences.
Wehaveneverobservedabonobo,forexample,tryingtoconveyanyconceptalongthelinesof,"O
Ineffable!IjustknowthatI'veeatenthisexactsamebananabefore!Thisissoweird!HeyHuey!You'reabout
tosay…waitasec…ohdang,thefeeling'sgone.Apeohape,thisdéjàvustuffisliketotallyweird.Know
whatImean?"Now,anotherapemightknowwhatthebonobowastalkingabout,ifthatbonobohadaway
oftalkingaboutit,butitdoesn'tyet.Theyaresociallyaloneintheirexperienceofweirdstufflikethis.
Unless,ofcourse,there'ssomeparticulargrimaceorotherthatrepresentsthatnotionofdéjàvu;perhaps
thisisthecase,andIamjustwoefullyunderinformed.Butspecialgrimaceornospecialgrimace,thereis
onemajordifferencebetweenthehumanandapereactionstothissortofinternalweirdness:apesdon't
worrythattheymightbecrazy.Apeshaveanimplicitcommuniondeniedtohumans,andifanygivenape
feelsweird,itdoesn'twonderifit'stheonlyone.
Sowhenagorillathinksthatitisphysicallyalonesomeplace,anditsuddenlyactslikeitisterribly
spookedbysomething,wehavenoreason(orratherwehaven'thadanyreasonuntilnow),tosuspectthe
presenceofnaturalspooks.Gorillasdon'tseemtoposittheexistenceofdisembodiedsoulsandsoforth,and
infacttheywillhavenouseforthe"supernatural,"buttheywillstillhaveproblemswithmisalignedwhack,
justashumansdo,anditseemsreasonabletosuggestthattheywillfeeldisorientedbythislackofsync.The
differenceisthatanygivendisorientedgorillawon'tworryaboutwhetheritistheonlygorillabesetby
unidentifiableobservers,andtheywillfreakoutonlyontheleveloffeelingwatched,ratherthanbeing
watchedspecificallybysomethingspooky.
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
163
Sowehumanscannolongerliveinourblissfulgardensofignorance.Fromnowon,whenyouseea
gorillagoingberserk,you'regoingtohavetowonderifitthoughtthatitwasbeingwatchedbyanobserver
whomitcouldnotidentifyinitssurroundings.Thissenseofbeingwatchedmightbecomeespeciallynervewrackingforthosegorillaswhoareoftenunderrealcovertobservation;thenagain,maybetheyjustbecome
jaded.Maybehumansshouldalsobecomejadedbyghosts…whichIsupposewouldbeawholeloteasierif
wecouldrestassuredthatwewerejustexperiencingnaturalghosts,andnotsupernaturalones.Gorillascan
affordtobeblasé,becausetheydon'thavetoworrythattheirghostswillsneakupbehindthemandscream
atthetopoftheirincorporeallungs.
Probably.
IwonderhowmanyoftheGombichimpanzees,aftersomanygenerationsofbeingwatched,nowend
upthinking,"Hello?Isthereanybodythere?Isthatyou,Jane?"Maybethat'swhytheyonlyrarelywanderoff
alone;theyjusthatethatspookyfeelingofbeingwatchedbyaninvisibleobserver.
***
That'sallfineandgood,asfarasitgoes,butIsuspectthatapespeciesdifferinregardtotheir
reactiontothesesubjectiveevents.Pleaseforgivetheinaccuracyinherentinthefollowingappealtoafew
grossovergeneralizations,butgorillasarewellknowntobesweethearts,bonobosarepeacemakers,and
orangutansarethebrainsoftheoperation.That'swhyIwanttofocusonorangutansinspecific.Ifanyape
hasthepotentialtohavebrainproblemslikewedo,it'stheorangutan.
Orangutanswillpuzzleouteverylittlethingintheirenvironment,andarefamedinthezoo
communityforbeingescapeartists.Itseemsthatbothorangutansandhumans,then,shareanobsession
withfiguringthingsout.(Thiswillvary,ofcourse,byindividualinbothspecies.)Nolockissafe,andno
reflectivewindowgoesunpunished,atleastnotuntilpersonalcuriosityhasbeensatisfied.So,giventhis
needtoanalyzecuriousentitiesintheirenvironment,maybeorangutansaremorepronetoworryabout
strangesensationsthanaretheotherapes.They'recertainlymorepronetosolveeverythingelse.
Moreimportantly,let'stalkaboutChantek,anorangutanwhowasraisedbyLynMilesfornineyears,
andwhothenmovedtotheAtlantaZooin1997.LastIheard,hewasconversantinAmericanSign
Language,withavocabularyofabout150words,andhewouldeasilytalkaboutremoteplacesandthings.
Hisbehaviorwasdescribedasbeingcomparabletothatofahuman4-year-old,butI'mprettysurethatthis
referstothingslikepottytrainingandthelike,ratherthanworryingaboutghostsandsoon.(Icouldbe
wrong.)
Ihavesuggestedthatapes,ingeneral,enjoyacommunionthatobviatestheneedforanyfurther
speculationaboutthemassociatingalackofwhackwithafeelingofdifferencefromothermembersoftheir
group.
ButwhatifChantekisalreadyfeelingdifferent?
Admittedly,hestillhasnoreasontoformideasaboutghostsandthesupernatural,notwhenheis
usedtobeingwatchedbyunidentifiableobserverswhoarehiddenbehinddoorsandone-waymirrors.Ifhe
feelslikehe'sbeingwatchedwhenhe'salone,heprobablyis,sohehasnoreasontofigureoutwhat'sgoing
on.
Crucially,Chantekhasexperiencedonewhompingsociotemporalgap.Hishumanmother,withwhom
helivedfornineyears,canonlyvisithimsporadically.Non-invasivebehavioralstudiesshowthathumans
andotheranimalsmaintaintheirhopeofreceivingjustonemorerewardifthoserewardsaregiven
erratically,asopposedtolosinghopequicklyifthoserewardsarefirstgivenregularly,andthenstopped
suddenly.Chantekisvisitederratically,sohewillcontinuetonurtureastronghopeofreceivingatleastone
morevisit,eveniftheintermediateabsencesareprolonged.Hisbrainwillworkovertimetofillthose
sociotemporalgaps,preferringcontinuityjustasstronglyasanyhumanbrain.
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
164
So,givenalloftheotherinformationinthisessay,hereisthepenultimatequestion:orangutansare
thelikeliestoftheapestopuzzleoverstrangefeelingslikedéjàvu,sohowmuchmorelikelyisitthat
Chantek,deprivedofapecommunion,recognizeshisprecognitionasunusual?
***
Theultimatequestionthenbecomes:whatdoorangutansingeneral,andChantekinspecific,think
abouttheirprecognition?
***
Well,it'ssomethingtothinkaboutanyway,andnowIfeelbetter,becauseI'mnolongeralonein
worryingaboutit.We'reallequallycrazynow,whichmeansthatweareallequallysane…aboutthisissue
anyway.
Whichisaloadoffmybrain.
Thanks.
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
165
ʃ CookbookPart ʅ
"Oncetherewasalittlegorilla,andeverybodylovedhim."
—RuthBornstein
LittleGorilla
ʃCookbookPartʅ
166
ʃ RiceCake ʅ
T
HISRECIPEISALONG-TIMEFAMILYFAVORITE,descending(lovinglymodified)frommyfather'smaternal
grandmother(RosaDomenicaOlceseCrocco,néeBernini).Wecallit"ricecake,"butitisarice-andcheesefritatta.Ihavefondmemoriesoffamilygatheringsatherranch(abigalmondandwalnutorchardon
SellersAveinBrentwood,CA)thatinvolveddivingintoahugespread,lyingonthelivingroomfloor
groaninginpainfromoverstuffing,andthengoingbackinformore.
Ingredients
Thisisformakingtherice:
4cupswhiterice(Don'tgetfancyhere.Justuseregularol'rice.)
8cupscoldwater
1handfulfreshparsley,choppedortornsortoffinewithoutgoinginsane...butnostems(I
occasionallygetimpatientwiththisstepandusedriedparsley.)
2roundtspgarlicpowder(It'sbettertousefreshgarlic,butIcutcorners.Naturally,the
amountshouldbetoyourtaste.)
4tbspoliveoil
1tspsalt(ortotaste)
1tsppepper(ortotaste...1tspissometimestoopepperyforfolks)
Thisisformakingthecheesestuff:
8largeeggs
18ozParmesancheese,grated(DryMontereyJackisbetterifyoucangetit.)
8ozshredded"ItalianBlend"cheeses(e.g.,Asiago,Mozarella,Fontina,Provolone,andso
on)
15ozRicotta,smooth
24ozsmallcurdcottagecheese
Directions
ʃRiceCakeʅ
167
First,getthericegoing.Addeverythingbutthericetothecoldwaterinalargepot(i.e.,parsley,
garlic,oliveoil,salt,andpepper).
Thenaddthericeandturntohigh.Stiroccasionallyasthewaterheatstokeepthericefromsticking
tothebottomofthepan.Whenthewaterisboiling,coverandreduceto"justabovelow."Thistakes
between15-20minutes,againstirringeveryfewminutestokeepitfromsticking.
Whilethericeiscooking,preheattheovento325°F(165°C).(Whenyoustartthisdependsonhow
fastyourovenheatsup.)
Whilethericeiscooking,addeverythingtothebigol'pan(i.e.,eggsandvariouscheeses).Stir
everythingtogetherwithabigfork,andleveloutthemixturewhenyou'redone.Itdoesn'thavetobereally
wellmixedatthispoint.You'llstillhavesometime,sowipesomeoliveoilintothe9"x13"pansnow.
Whenthericeisdone,scoopitintothepanoverthecheesestuff.Nowisthetimetomixitall
togetherwell.
I'vefoundthattheeasiestwaytotransferthismixturetotheglasspansistojustsetthemixingpanin
frontofmeonthecounter,withthetwoglasspanstoeitherside.Alternatescoopsintothoseglasspansto
keepthingseven.(Ifyouwimpoutandmakejusthalfabatch,thenthistransfertothesingleglasspanis
easy.)Theglasspansaregoingtobecookingtogetherinthesameoven,soyouwantthemtobeequally
full.Oncethemixisdivided,smoothitoutsothatit'slevel,andpopthepansintheoven.Setthetimerfor
60minutesandwait.
Afterthehourisover,you'regoingtobecheckingeveryfewminutesuntiltheyaregoldenbrownon
top(almostreddish),butwhereyoucanstillseeyellowmixedin.Notallyellow.Notallpale.Withpractice,
you'llknowwhenitisjustright.Don'tbeafraidtokeepleavingitinjustalittlelonger.
Youcanletitsetforawhileaftertakingitoutoftheoven,butthereshouldbeplentyforyoutotryit
atdifferenttemperatures:pipinghot,cooleddownabit,rightoutofthefridge,nuked,whateveryoulike.
Directions
168
ʃ WatermelonPickles ʅ
T
HISRECIPECOMESFROMMYFATHER'SPATERNALGRANDMOTHER,MendocinoMayPlaskett.Itmakes5pints'worth
ofWatermelonPickles.Tosetthehistoricaltimeframe,Iwillmentionthatshehappenedtobethefirst
non-indigenouschildborninMendocinoCounty.
Ingredients
4quartsone-inchpiecesofwatermelonrind(greencutoff)
3quartscoldwater
½cupsalt
1½quartswater(twice)
3cupsvinegar
6cupsbrownsugar(firmlypacked)
3tablespoonsallspice,wholecloves,andcinnamonwithlemonpeel
Suppliesforjarring
Directions
Soaktherindovernightin3quartsofcoldwaterwith½cupsalt.
Drainandrinsewithfreshwater.
Putthisrindin1½quartsofhotwaterandboilabout10minutes,untiltender,thendrain.
Addthefollowingingredientstoanother1½quartscoldwater:3cupsofvinegar,6cupsofbrown
sugar(firmlypacked),and3tablespoons'worthofallspice,wholecloves,andcinnamonwithlemonpeel.
Bringthismixturetoaboilandaddtherinds,cooking45minutes.
Sealinjars.
Andthat'sallthereistoit.
ʃWatermelonPicklesʅ
169
ʃ PersimmonCookies ʅ
W
HENIWASAKID,THEONLYTIMETHATIWOULDEVERHAVEPERSIMMONSwaswithmymom'smother,LilyEdith
Jourdain,andIlovedthem.Shewouldripenthemonherkitchenwindowsill,perfectingtheartof
selectingonethatwasjusttherighttexture(i.e.,nottoofirm,nottooslimy).Onoccasion(perhapsifthey
weretooripe,inmuchthesamemanneraspeopledecidetomakebananabread),shewentaboveand
beyondbyturningthemintowonderful,soft,gently-spicedcookies,ofwhichIwouldhaveeatendozensata
sittinghadIbeenallowed.(Which,sadly,Iwasnot.)
Ingredients
1cuppersimmonpulp(about2-4persimmons)
1tspbakingsoda
2cupsflour
½tspgroundcinammon(Youcanvarythesespicestotaste.)
½tspgroundcloves
½tspgroundnutmeg
½tspsalt
1cupsugar(or½cupeachwhiteandbrownsugar)
½cupshortening(Shorteningisintheoriginalrecipe,butIusebutter.Ifyouusebutter,the
cookieswillspreadabitmore.)
1egg
1cupwalnuts,chopped(Ihaveusedotherkindsofnuts.)
1cupraisins(Ihaveusedotherdriedfruitbesidesraisins.)
Directions
Addthebakingsodatothepersimmonpulpandputitaside.(Itwillsetupsomewhat.)
Sifttheflour,spices,andsalttogether.
Creamthesugarandshortening,beatintheegg,beatinthepulp,thenstirintheflourmixture,nuts,
andfruit.
ʃPersimmonCookiesʅ
170
Spoonontoacookiesheetandbakeat350°F(180°C)foratleast12minutes(i.e.,untilbrownedand
puffy,usuallymorelike15minutes).Usingatablespoonwillrenderabout4dozencookies,butItendtouse
a2tablespoonmeasureandjustbakethemforafewmoreminutes.Coolthemonawirerack.Revelinthe
savorysensation,measuringthecookiesinunitsof"sentimentalitypersimmon."
Directions
171
ʃ IceCreamBread ʅ
N
OSTALGIAHASNOPARTINTHISRECIPE,makingitdifferentfromtheothersinthisbook;thatistosay,it
comesfromnorelativeofmine,anddoesnotfigureintomychildhoodmemories.I'mincludingithere
becausethereshouldbeatleastonerecipeinthislotthatrepresentstheweird-and-newinsteadofthetriedand-true.Itisaneasyculinarychemistryexperimentthatcanbefunforfamilyplaytimeinthekitchen.At
base,Ijustwantyoutoknowthat"icecream"plus"flour"equals"bread."
Ingredients
1pinticecream(orgelato):anyflavorchoice(butavoidlowfat,lowsalt,lowjoy,andsoon)
1½cupsself-risingflour
mysteryingredientsforsubsequentadvancedtrials
Directions
Inaquartbowl(biggerwouldbebetterjusttogiveyourselfmaneuveringroom),nuketheicecreamto
aneasysoftness,stirringattheendtomeltinanyremaininglumpycoldparts.
Addtheflourandstiruntilitisallmoistened.
Pourthisbatterintoasprayedbreadpan(8×4loaf)andbakeat350°F(180°C)foratleast45
minutes,stoppingwhenaninsertedtoothpickcomesoutclean.
Whilethat'sallyoureallyhavetodo,here'sahinttoreducetheriskofbeingleftwithicecreambread
thathasarawflourtaste:whisk/siftyourflourbeforemeasuringitsoyoudon'tinadvertentlypackitdown
andusetoomuch.
Andyoumightmulloversuchsqueeglesastryingjustapinchofsalt.(Hey,it'sanexperiment.It's
supposedtobefun.Pokearound!Askyourself,"Whatflavoroficecreammightlenditselftomakingthe
bestbananabread,cheesebread,berry-toppedbread,"orwhatever.)
Forme,icecreambreadwasanotherinstanceofreinvention.Inmylifetime,Ihavediscoveredfive
inventionsthatwerealreadyhangingaround.WhenIwasjustakid,Iwastryingtofigureoutwhatsizeofa
jarIwouldneedtoholdallofmymarbles,figuringoutthatifIjustaddeduptheamountofroomneeded
byeachoftheindividualmarbles,plusthatneededforabunchofincreasinglysmallermarbles,thenI'd
knowexactlyhowmuchthejarwouldhold...thuswasinfinitesimalcalculusbornagain.Inmyadolescence,I
wasdryingoffafterashowerandthinkingthatitmightbecoolifthetowelweremadeoutofrecyclable
paper,likeanapkin,onlybigger,realizingtoolatethatitwouldsimplybeapapertowel.Manyyearslater,
whenIheardaboutstealthplanesbeingcoatedinapaintthatabsorbedelectromagneticwavelengthsused
ʃIceCreamBreadʅ
172
forradarandsoon,itoccurredtomethatanobjectmightberenderedinvisibletoordinarysightifthat
paintcouldabsorbtheradiationinthevisiblelightspectrum,whichofcoursewouldbeblackpaint.Italk
elsewhereabouttherediscoveryofencausticpainting.
AndthereasonthatIbringupthistopicinthisrecipeisbecauseicecreambreadisalsoareinvention
forme.Ihadbeenlamentingmyinabilitytoworkwithdough,andmakebread,whenacolleaguesuggested
thatbreadshouldactuallybeconsideredadvanced(despitethesimpleingredients),andIshouldstartwith
somethingeasier,likemuffins.SoIwastryingtofigureoutsomethingthatusedmostofthesamebasic
ingredientsascakewhileleavingoutthemostbreadypart(i.e.,theflourmainly),anddecidedthatice
creamcouldcovermilk/cream(sortofstandinginforbutter),sugar,andmaybeeggs.Iguessedthatifyou
addedthattoself-risingflour,whichwouldincludethesaltandyeast,thenyou'dhavecake.Buttheterm
"icecreamcake"alreadymeantsomething,soIsettledon"icecreambread"asabetterlabel.Aftergetting
thatworkedout,Ifoundthattheideawasalreadypopularonline.
Directions
173
ʃ
UnrealPart ʅ
".erehttogdahehswohwenkyldrahehshguoht,sihtdiasehselihweceip-yenmihcehtnopusawehS"
—LewisCarroll
ThroughtheLooking-Glass,andWhatAliceFoundThere
ʃUnrealPartʅ
174
ʃ
W
SeminomaEvening(YouWillMeetaStranger) ʅ
HENITCOMESTOYOURBALLS(ortothenutsofsomeoneaboutwhomyoucare),don'tmessaround.Get
intenselyorneryandproactiveuntiladoctortakesyourconcernsseriouslyenoughtoordersome
tests.I'mgoingtoletyouknowwhatyoumightbefacingifyoudecidetoletyourdoctorsbrushyouoff.
Mydoctorshadbeendismissiveofmyconcernsforwellovertenyears,wherethefollowingexcerpt
fromaphysician'sreportistypicalofthewayinwhichtheywouldpatmeontheheadandsendmehome:
Theonlyconcernheactuallyhas[abouthishealth]isinregardstoalumpthathehas
onhistesticle.Wastoldby[Dr.X]afewyearsagoitwasnotsomethinghereally
neededtoworryaboutandhisconcernisthepossibilityofitbeingtesticularcancer.
Wediscussedthefactthatathisage,heisactuallytoooldtohavetesticularcancer
andthatitwashighlyunlikelythatiswhathewouldhave.
TheykepttellingmethatitmustbeahydroceleorvaricoceleandthatIshouldjustcalmdownandignore
theslowlygrowingmass.WheneverIrequestedatleastsomesortoftesting,Iwastoldthatitwouldbea
wasteofresourcesthatcouldbebetterspentonpeoplewhohad"real"problems.
Oneday,however,itturnedoutthattheyhadbeenwrongallalong.
Well,that'snotthewholetruth:theyhadbeenbothwrongandnegligentlycavalieraboutplayingthe
oddswhentheyhadnothingpersonaltolose;infact,becauseofthelitigationinvolved,thisistheonly
chapterinwhichI'llbechangingsomenames.[Note1]
***
Monday,October21st,2013,startedwithaverytypicalring(whereI'mafiveo'clockriser).Sara
droppedthekidsoffatschoolonthewaytoherclassrooms,andIwasreviewingsomestudentrecords
whileplanningtherapysessions.ThedifferencebeganwhenIcouldn'tfindasittingpositionthatwasn't
botheringmylowerleftabdomen.
Nearlythreeyearsearlier(January,2011)Ihadgoneintohaveasimilarpaincheckedoutonmyright
side,thinkingthatitmightbeappendicitis,butanexamandCTscan(onlytothebaseofmyabdomen)
revealednothingunusual.Thephysiciansexplicitlyruledoutanyreferredpainfromthetesticularmass
withoutascanofthescrotum,soIgotusedtojustputtingupwithoccasionalmysterioustwingesonthe
right.Imean,whatdoyoudowhensomethingisgoingwrongbutyourdoctorscan'tdoanythingmorethan
shrug?
Thatmorning,however,thepainwasgettingworse.Itriedreadingwhilereclining,left,right,and
back.ThenItriedtositupandanactualnoisecameoutofmymouth.IknowthatifI'matthenoisemakinglevel,thensomethingisreallynotright.Standingofferednorelief.Itriedlyingflatonmystomach,
butagainitkeptintensifying.Istronglyhopedthatitwasjustsomethinggoingaroundacorner,where
maybeIhadabsentmindedlyswallowedabucketfuloftoysoldiers.ItextedSaratosaythatIwouldlikely
needsomehelp,andsheimmediatelyheadedforhomebecauseIhadneversenthersuchamessagebefore.
Idon'ttendtocry"wolf"evenwhenoneisgnawingonmyfemur.
ʃSeminomaEvening(YouWillMeetaStranger)ʅ
175
Iwasstartingtofeelsortofshocky(sweaty,clammy,tinglingextremities,visiondarkeningaroundthe
edges)andImadeittothebathroomsoIcouldlightentheloadinprepforflight.Thenthepain-induced
vomitingbegan,whichquicklyspiralledbecausetheretchingcausedmetodoubleovermoretightlyand
createevenmorepainbycompressingtheabdomen.Eventuallythosewavespassed,andImanagedto
stretchout.
Saragothomeandtookmeonanexcitingtwenty-minutedrivetoUrgentCare.(Ihadn'trealizeduntil
thenjusthowbumpythefreewaywas.)TheytuckedmeintoanambulanceheadedforEmergency,where
theysubjectedmetoanultrasoundthatinvolvedrepeatedlycrushingmytesticlesandinducingmore
intenseabdominalpain.NextIhadaCTscanthatshowedamassiveretroperitoneallymphnodeonone
side,andanot-as-giantone(butstillorangesized)ontheother.Theywerepushingotherorgansoutof
theirwayandwrappingaroundsuchinconsequentialstructuresasmybloodsupply.
Ileftthehospitalaweeklater,absentonetesticlebuthavinggainedaPICCline.Nineweeks'worthof
chemofollowed(whichwasallthemoreunpleasantforhavingtodealwiththeBIIphobia),andthat
ultimatelyhalvedthesizeofthenodesandleftbehindonlyscartissue(i.e.,noactivecancerremained).As
ofthiswritingithasbeensixmoreweeksandIamstillwaitingforsomeofthesideeffectstogetbetter.
That'sevidentlygoingtobeaveryslowprocess,andIamnotfeelingverypatientaboutwaiting.Ioriginally
wantedthehealingprocesstobebehindmebeforepublishingthisbook,butIhavechangedmymindasI
havenoideahowlongthatmighttake.
Theupshotisthatasimpletestanywhereduringtheprevioustenyearswouldhaveavoidedthe
involvementofthelymphnodes(asthemasswouldhavebeenremoved),butuntilIwasvomitingfromthe
pain,nodoctorfelttheneedtotakemyconcernsseriously.Sohereismy"I'mnotadoctor"opinion:ifyou
haveatesticularmass,nomatterhowslowlyitgrows,nomatterhowoldyouare,insistonbeingtested...
unlessofcourseyoulikechemotherapy.
NOTES
Note1:Anditwon'tbedisguisedinanycutesie-piewaywhereyoucanfigureouttheperson'srealname.If
youfiddlearoundwithanynameIgivehere,anditseemstoequatewiththenameofanyperson(living,
dead,orotherwise),thenyouhaveidentifiedthewrongperson.Andno,thatisnotaclueeither;itisnota
veiledreferencetosomesortof"Dr.Wrong,""Dr.Wright,"oranyoneelse.Justleaveitalone.[Back]
ʃSeminomaEvening(YouWillMeetaStranger)ʅ
176
ʃ DistilledAdvice ʅ
A
DVICEISONLYASGOODASTHEPERSONGIVINGITISLIKEYOU,or,iftheyarenotactuallylikeyou,thenatleast
canpretendtobelikeyou.Ifyou'vereadthematerialintherestofthisbook,andifyouknowyourself
wellatall,thenyoushouldbeabletogaugewhetherornotwhatIhavetosayherewillbeofanyvalueto
you.ItistheadvicethatIhaveboileddownfrommyexperiencewithcancer.
A)Don'tbestupid:takeiteasy.Youhavenothingtoprove.Igotoutandclearedtheleaflitterthathad
gatheredundermycar,andallthatIaccomplishedwasirritatingthePICCline.Itendedupcostingmy
caregiversmoreresourcestogetthatmistakefixedthanifIhadjustlefttheleavesforlater(orever).No,
youdon'thavetobealump,butlearningtolivewithinyournewreasonablelimitswillhelptheotherpeople
whoaretryingtohelpyou.
B)Gotoamedicalsupplystoreandbuyashowersleeve(tocoverthePICCline)madefromthickplastic,
notthethinstuff(i.e.,notlikesandwichbagmaterial).Cuttheglovepartoff.(Useittomakeapuppetor
something.)Whenyougotoshower,youcanjusttapearoundtheendsofthetube.IfyoucoverthePICC
linewithacoupleoflayers'worthofwovenbandagebeforeputtingthetubeon,thatwillabsorbanysmall
amountofwaterthatseepsinattheends,andyoucanjustchangethatclothwhenyoudryoff.Thebest
kindoftapeforwrappingtheendsiscohesivebandage(althoughwatchoutforlatexallergieswithsome
products):itstickstoitselfandnottoyourskin,itdriesoutwellovernight,anditprovidescompressionthat
helpstokeepthewaterout.[Note1]
C)Getasupplyofunscentedbabywipes.
D)Don'teattheingredientsoforganicsandpaper,suchastortillachips.
E)Getadentalcleaningandanyothertoothworkdonebeforeyoustartinonchemo.Youwon'tbeableto
doitduring.
F)Keepajournal.(Iwasonlyabletomakemyselfdothatforaboutthreemonths,butitwasworthit.)
G)Adaptflexibly.
NOTES
Note1:KeepinmindthatIamnottalkingaboutoneofthosedeflatableshowersleeves.Itstinksboth
literallyandfiguratively.It'sheavyrubber.Thelowersleevecufffitsokaybecauseit'ssmall,buttheupper
sleevehastobelooseenoughtobedrawnoverthebandageandPICClines,andonceitisinplaceit
doesn'tremainsealedwhenyouhavetomovethatarm.Plusyouhavetobecarefulnottoinflatethething
sotightlythatyoubreakthePICCmaterials.[Back]
ʃDistilledAdviceʅ
177
ʃ
N
ChemoJournal ʅ
EVERINMYLIFEHAVEIKEPTAJOURNAL.Notesonstories,yes,bigenvelopesstuffedfullofcorrespondence,
vastarraysoffilesandfolders(hardandsoft)andemailandlanguagedatabasesandwhatnot,of
course...recordsofeverystripe.Butnothinglikeadiary.
Itriedablogoncebutabandoneditafterthreeentries.Ijustdidn'thaveanythingclevertosay,
particularlywhileunderpressuretorefresh.IhadaFacebookaccountforawhile,butflusheditwhenI
realizedthatthetrivialitiesofmydaywereofnorealinteresttothegeneralpopulace.("Brushedmyteeth.
Again.Status:minty.Lookonmyworks,yeMighty,anddespair!")Sowhystartnow?
Well,justincase,Iguess.
ItwillbemucheasiertowritethisasIgoalongjustincaseitturnsoutthatIwantit.PlusI'mso
paranoidafterallofthevariousmedicalmistakesthatIwanttohavesomesortofdocumentationinplace
forlater.Mychroniclewon'tcompeteinthatregardwithSara'sdetailedorganizationaldesignskills(where
shealreadyhasacolor-codedbinderandassociateddrugtrackerfullyunderway),butitmighthelpasan
adjunct.
131031
Halloween.Wefinallygotourpumpkinscarvedlastnight,whichaddedanicesenseofnormalcy.Not
thatit'snormalforustohavecarvedpumpkinssittingaround,butit'saholidayritualinwhichwehave
engagedbefore,soitisfamiliarinthatway.
TonightSaraandIattendedapresentationonwhatweshouldexpectfromthechemo.Iamscheduled
forthreecycles'worth,atthreeweekspercycle.(Notmuchatallcomparedtosomepeople.)Ineachcycle,
I'llhaveoneheavyweek(EtopsinandCysplatinum,withBleomycininadditiononTuesdays),thenashort
visiteachTuesdayofthenexttwoweeks(withjusttheBleomycin).
I'mtryingtofindsomethingthatwillhelptokeepmymindoffoftheBIItriggersthatwillbepresent
intheclinic.Tobeginwith,Ihaven'tseentherelativelynewElementaryseriesyet,whichmyeldestloves,
andshesaysshe'llscanthroughtheepisodestokeepmeforewarnedofthegorypartsthatI'llwanttoskip.
There'salotofQIonYouTube.I'mnotyetreadytore-watchBattlestarorSG:U.MaybeIcantrackdown
someMST3Kepisodes.
Sarahaspickedupaheadphonesplitter.
WewenttothesmallHalloweenpartyforawhile.Icarriedalittlebroomandadourfacialexpression
as"TheGrimSweeper."Sarawentas"NudistonStrike."(Thiscostumeworksmuchlikemystandby:
"EntirelyUnsuspectingHostofanAlienParasite."I'venevermadegoodonmythreattoattendas"Naked
MoleRat.")Itwasnicetohaveachancetotalkwithsomefamiliarfolks(itwashostedatSara'ssister's
place),butwedidn'tstaylongbecausewe'rebothsotired.
ʃChemoJournalʅ
178
131101
I'mhavingtonavigatefamilyandbroadersocialrulesaroundprivacy.Iknewearlyonthatthere
wouldbenowaytoremainprivateaboutthecancerandalloftherelatedinformation,likethelossofthe
testicle,sotherewasnothingtodobutstartoutbybeingpublicandjustmakejokes.
AndwhileIappreciateallofthecaringandconcern,andeverythingthatpeoplehavedonetohelp,it
doesgetuncomfortableforme,havingallofthisattentiondrawntomyillness,andtome.Buttheirhelp
doesmakethingsverymucheasieronSara,andthatknowledgehastheeffectofextinguishingmy
discomfort.
Saraisbynatureaverycaringandnurturingperson,butsometimesIneedtostillfeellikeIambeing
braveandmanlyaboutthewholething,andIdonotwanttobeprotectedfromeverylittlething.Idovalue
andneedherhelpateveryturnofthisroad,andIcan'ttrulyimaginewhatitwouldbeliketogothrough
thiswithouther,butsometimesIjustneedtobeallowedtostarethischallengeintheeyeandbackitdown.
SometimesIneedtogetfrustratedwithit,andmadatit,andnothavemyfeelingssoothed.Nooneneedsto
listentomedothat;Iamfinetalkingbacktoitonmyownwithouttakingupanyoneelse'stime.
That'soneofthemaindifferencesbetweenaregularphobiaandtheBII.Likemostfolks,Idoalso
havesomeregularphobias,likeforheights,butwhenneededIcanjustforcemyselftofacetheregular
phobiaswithaneffortofwill;forinstance,IhavewalkedaledgearoundabuildingjusttoprovethatI
coulddoitifIneededto.Incontrast,theBIIjustshutsmedown.Icantrytoholditoffwithcertainkindsof
breathing,orredirection,andsoon,butwhenpushcomestoshove,itwins;infact,itwinseverysingletime
(albeitnotalwaystothedegreeoffainting),exceptwhensomeoneneedsemergencyhelp...whichIsuspect
hassomethingtodowithadrenalineandfocusofattentionawayfrommyself.Butreliefisnotamindset
thatIcanachievewithanexertionofwillpower.
Anyway,wegotouttodayandboughtpatternsforthebagthatwillholdmystuffatchemo,plusones
forheadcoveringsforwhenthehairgoes.WealsopickedupasetofneedlesforknittingasmallerdiametertubetocoverthePICCline.We'llgettheactualfabrictomorrow.
WesawtheENTagainbecauseIcontinuedtohaveableedintheupperrightquadrantofmy
nasopharynx,butwhenhescopedhedidn'tseeanybloodoozingfromthecongenitalhemangioma.He
displayedthescopingonthescreen,andnoclottingoranythingwasevident.SoI'lljusthopethatitstays
shut.
FolkscameoverandwatchedPacificRimtonight.Itdoesn'tdothemoviejusticetosaythatit'sa
climacticGodzillamoviedirectedbyDelToro,withonlyonethingmissing:therewasnopatheticcivil
patrolguyfacingupstreamofthemaddenedcrowdtellingthemnottopanic.(sniff)
131102
Nobleedingthismorning,orformostofyesterday.
SaraandIwentonaDateNight(JoAnnFabrics,Roadhouse,andLastVegas),becausewhoknows
whenthenexttimewillbethatwecanenjoythatsortofanouting?
EmilyandAprilplantomakedinnerforustomorrow.Inresponsetoqueriesaboutdietary
restrictions,weanswered,"Noinsects,seaboogers,orpeas."
Duringthepost-hospitalweek,LauraandSuebothbroughtmealsbythehouse,andthatwasvery
kindandhelpfultous.Laura'sdaughterAmandacharminglyraccooonedthroughthehouse,pausedinfront
131101
179
ofthebathroommirrorlongenoughtoaskSaraherlastname,andthendancedtoherowntuneof,"It'sthe
MansfieldFamily."
Beenfiddlingwiththisbookhereandthere.
StartingTheHobbitinanticipationofneedingalongseriestoreadforchemo.
131103
Saramadethebag,whichturnedoutbeautifully.She'sverytalented.
EmilyandAprilmadedinner,whichwaslovely.
InabbedElementary(SeasonOne).
I'mnotsurewhatit'scalled,butIuseacoupleoflayersofstretchabletubularnetlikebandagetocover
thePICClinesothatIdon'thavetolookatit.(Ithinkthatitmightbeusedforburns.Thestuffatthedrug
storeistooeasytoseethrough,sowegotoursatamedicalsupplystore.)Ihaveanadditionaltubularcover
thatSaraknittogooverthatone,whichistokeepthebandageitselfhiddenwhenwe'reoutandabout.It
justseemspolite.
131104
Todaywasthefirstdayofchemo.Theyhadaprivateroomavailableforme,whichfranklymadeitat
allpossible.
Ihadtopeeabouteveryhour.
Therewasabadincident,though,rightatfirst,butSaratookcareofit.Anursecameinandwe
warnedherabouttheBII.Sheprotestedairilywith,"IhaveahabitoftalkingwhileIdomywork."We
reiteratedthatIwouldneedlesstalk,regardless,orImightpassout.Soshegotmehookedupwhile
tuggingstronglyonthePICCline(whichisalsoextremity-tinglingandbarfyforme),thenimmediately
asked,"So,tellmeabouttheinsertionofthePICCline."WhileIwassaying,"Please,IsaidthatI'dreally
rathernottalkaboutthat,"Sararespondedbycoveringhereyes,makinganexasperatednoise,and
swearingmildly.Thenursesaidtoher,"What?Doyouhaveaphobiatoo?"Saranon-physicallybustledher
outoftheroomandtherewasaninsistentexchangethatIonlyheardaboutafterward.Partofitinvolved
thenursesaying,"He'sinchemonow.He'sjustgoingtohavetogetusedtoit."Ratherthanpunchingthis
insensitive,ignorantwomanintheface(intheinterestofavoidingjailtimeandleavingmeatthemercyof
thissadist),Sarajusttookastepforwardandsaid,"Iwilltalktoyourbossnow."Thenursedroppedsome
ofherblusterandinformedthenursemanager,whowasabletounderstandwhenSaraexplainedthe
differencewithBII.Mychartnowsaysthatthisnurseisbannedfrommycase,andwewillnothavetodeal
withherbigotryanymore.
Thenextnurse,Irene,wasgreat.Shewastheonewhoranthechemoinfogroupthatweattended.
IreadabitofTheHobbit,andspentline-swappingtimelisteningtotheBattlestarGalactica
soundtrack,whichhelpedmetomeditateandfocusaway.WewatchedafewepisodesofElementary.Sarais
workingontheknittingofanothertubethatwillbesomewhatsmallerthantheexistingone.
Staceyandherdaughterbroughtbydinner.ItwasBBQroast,vegetables,croissants,abigjugof
organicapplejuice,andfourpintsoffrozenyogurtinvariousflavors(withMiralaxfordesert).
131103
180
131105
Seconddayofchemo.
Ihadtotakethelevel1nauseamedicationwhenIgothome.I'mlookingandfeelingflushed.Ihavean
asthma-likeirritationofthetrachea,especiallyafterjustwalkingacoupleofblockstogetthemail.Itfeelsa
bitbetterafterrecliningandnotbreathinghard.Ihavehadacoupleofminorstringsoftinnitus(highpitchedsqueal).
Ialsofeltsomethingliketiredafterthissession,butnot"tired"exactly.Iwaslowonenergy,yes,but
nottiredlikeyoumightfeelafterworkingalongtimeatatask.Morelikeboggeddownafterjustsitting
aroundallday.
IfindthatIdonotwanttobeentirelyhonestwithfolkswhenIwritetothemabouthowI'mdoing.I
don'twantmypeopletoworry.Ican'tshieldSarabecauseshe'smylinkwiththedoctorandhelpsmeto
remembertotellhimeverythingthatheneedstoknow.
Thenursetoday,Erika,wasverygood.
Ididnotsleepdeeplylastnight,butitmightjustbetheeffectofgoingtobedsoearly.Iwasmostly
worriedaboutthenausea,butnowI'mwaryofinsomnia.
IupdatedtoMavericks,andSigilnowwon'tdisplayembeddedfonts,whichisarealnuisance.Ihave
towriteincodeviewuntiltheygetitfixed,whichcouldtakewhoknowshowlong.Ihavetriedother
programs,buttheysimplydon'tdowhatIwantthemtodo.
131106
Thirddayofchemo.
Greatnursesagain.
SaragottheletterdonefortheclinicHRaboutthebadnurseneedingsensitivitytraining.
Iendedupwiththesamesideeffectsasyesterday,butmildertrachealirritation.Itriedstayingup
later,butIstillhavesomeinsomniathat'salsoaffectingSara.
IstillhavenogoodalternativetoSigil.
ButoneadvantageofbeingawakeisthatIfinallygottheIllustratordrawingdoneforKate'stattoo.
131107
Fourthdayofchemo.
I'mstartinginonsomenewsideeffects.Ihavesomenausea,butmostlymorelikearoiling,acidic
stomach.There'sstillinsomnia,plussomeheadachenowtoo.
ImovedfromTheHobbittoLOTR,butI'mhavingadifficulttimegettingintoitagain.
Virginiastoppedbychemotovisittoday.Shewentthroughthisherselfabout10yearsago(although
moreinvolved),andaccompaniedanothercolleagueafewyearsago.ItwasniceforSaraandItohave
someoneelsetotalkwithforabitasachange-up.
131105
181
131108
Fifthdayofchemo.
Itwasreallydifficulttositinthechairtoday.Ifeltverysquirmyandanxiousandcouldn'tget
comfortable.Ihopethatthenextcoupleoflighterweekshelpsmetoreset,orthenextheavyweekisgoing
tobetorture.
Idon'thavenauseaassuch,otherthansomethingmild,butaverysourstomachhassetin.Duringthe
sessionIstarttofeelverybloated,andittakeshoursforthattoworkitselfoff.I'msittinghereat2:00am
afterhavinggotten(notwoken)upat12:30andgivinguponsleepforawhile,butatleastmystomachfeels
morenormal.
Speakingofwhich,peoplehavebeenverykindaboutbringingusmeals(asmentionedbefore),and
thathasbeenatrulyenormoushelptous.Andtheyhavebeengenerousenoughtobringfoodtolastfora
coupleofmealsatashot.Nothavingtodothemealplanningandshoppingandprepandeverythingfor
thefamilyontopofalongdayofchemo,thatjustmakessuchadifferencethatIcan'tadequatelydescribe
it.Italsogivesussometimewiththefamilytogetherthatwewouldotherwisemiss,whatwitheverything
elsegoingon.
Carolcaughtusjustaswewereleavingtheclinic,anditwasverynicetotalkwithherandcatchupa
bit.
Afewdaysago,StevebroughtbyagiantcardthattheJunctionCityHighSchoolLifeSkillsclassroom
madeforme.It'sfabulous,whichisnotawordthatIuselightly.Muchofitisinaransomnoteform,with
partscutoutofmagazines,referringinaveryfamiliarwaytosubjectslikehope(and"hoop"),health,the
fateofmypaycheck,andthecleanlinessofmybottom.Ilovethosefolks.
Ifoundoutearlierthisweekthatoneofmystudentspassedawayovertheweekend.That'sascary
partofthisjob,andnaturallyit'sascarierpartofthestudents'lives.IdidnotknowhimaswellasIdo
manyofmyotherstudentsbecauseIwashisAssistiveTechProratherthanhisSLP,butoverthecourseof
severalyearsIknewhimthroughmakingafewspecializeddevicesjustforhim(whichinvolvessome
personalizedattention,interactionswiththefamily,andsoon).TherearetimeswhenIhaveknowna
studentwellenoughthatIexperiencesignificantgrief(especiallywheneverythingseemstobegoingsowell,
andthechangeisashock),andothertimeswhereImerelyfeeladeepsadness.Anditalwaysremindsme
thatIhavethingsprettydamngood.Muchofmyworkisjusttryingtohelpmystudentshaveaccesstothat
samegoodnessintheirliveswhiletheyarehere.
Youcantakemywordfortheveracityofthefollowingcontention(asIhaveadvanceddegreesin
language-relatedstuff,youknow):itdoesn'tmatterwhetherwechoosetousemilderwordslike"nice,"
"kind,"or"compassionate,"inthesensethatwhatwedoinourjobistoloveourstudents.Wecanwriteup
IEPgoals,holdtherapysessions,improvetheiraccesstotheiractivitiesofdailylivingandtheirspecially
designedinstruction,andonandonandon,butallwearereallydoingisjustshowingthemlove.
HavingworkedforLaneESDforsomanyyearsnow,Iamatthepointwheresomeofmyfirst
studentswereingradeschoolwhenIstarted,andwillbegraduatinghighschoolthisyear.Thepartthat
strikesmethemostiswhenIcomeacrossastudentwhomIfirstknewyearsagoastheirSLP,andthen
there'sthisbiggapwhereIwasn'tservingtheirclassroom,andthenIsuddenlymeetupwiththemagain
yearslaterandthey'vegrownsoverymuch.
IfigurethatIhaveabout15yearsleftonthisjob.Itmakesmewonderaboutthegreetingsand
partingsthatwilloccurinthattime.Someofthatisgoingtobeverydifficult,buttherewillalsobejoy.
131109
131108
182
Lastnightwasdisconcerting.
Igotupathalfpastmidnight,havingbeentoowired/buzzytofallasleep,andwroteforaboutanhour.
Icouldonrareoccasionfeelthesenseoffallingasleepswoopinonme,heavyandwarm,andIwoulddrop
justabitmore,butitwouldinstantlyjustbounceoff.Ipeedseveralmoretimes.BecauseIwasn'tsleeping,I
gothungry,soIhadtoeat.Inotherwords,theinsomniaisgettingannoying,butIsuspectthatduetoa
lifetime'sworthofadaptationstointensesleepdeprivation(frombeforetheCPAP),Iamnotgettingsleepy
duringtheday.Onebigdifference,however,isthatwhenIwasyoungerIwouldeasilyjustpassintoavery
deep,snoringsleepfromwhichitwasverydifficulttoawakenme,andI'mnotdoingthatnow.Butit
definitelyfeelsthesamewayaswhenIwouldspendsomuchofmywakingtime(virtuallyallofit,actually),
inanalphastate.
Iwantedthefamilytohavesometimetogethertoday.Wepickedupthetigerfabrictocompletethe
availablesetofanimalprints,gotMariyahernewbackpack,mailedSara'svideosoftheDisneytriptomy
family,ateforthefirsttimeatNoodles&Co.(whichwasgoodenoughthatwewillbringfolksthere),thenwe
wenttoastringofstoresforgames,videogames,vintageclothing,newagestuff,usedvideos,groceries,and
finallyhomeagain.Weactuallyboughtverylittleatthestores;itwasmoreaboutgivingeachpersona
chancetobrowsewiththeirfamilymembersthroughsomestuffthatfittheirpersonalenjoyment
preferences.Everyonegotsomeattention,ratherthananotherdaybeingswallowedupbytheconsequences
ofmyillness.
131110
Stillnosleep.
Sarahasstartedinonthehats,andtheyarewonderful.
131111
Moreworkonthehats,plusanotherbag(thisonewithamusicalfabrictheme).Saramadeherselfa
hataswell,andthekidsaretakenwiththemenoughtoplacetheirownorders.
2:30amandstillnosleep.TooktwoBenadryl(afteraconsultwiththeon-calldoctor),butnochange
atall.TurnsoutthatI'moutofAmbienaswell(whichIfailedtonoticeearlierbecauseIhadbeentakingit
soveryrarely,lessthanonceeverycoupleofmonths).
131112
1:30amandnosleep.IwrotesomeandfoundoutthatAdobeDigitalEditionsupdatesSigilcode
changeseasilyenoughthatIcanuseittodisplayabookviewandjustcodeinSigil.Whilethat'sstillnot
optimal,it'snottoobad,andcertainlyeasiertoworkthanithasbeensincetheMavericksupdate.Itis
fortunatethatwe'reseeingthedocstoday,becausethissleepproblemisreallywearing,andIdon'tneedthe
additionalweakness.AndasImentionedearlier,it'salsofortunatethatIspentmostofmylifeadaptingto
horrendousamountsofsleepdeprivation.Icanfeelsomeofthatkickingbackin.Anyway,I'mgoingtogo
givesleepanothershot.
131110
183
Nogood.Waitedinbeduntil3:00amandgaveupagain.I'lltryagainat4:30am(notlongfromnow),
butI'vegottogetupat5:30anywaysothatwecanallgetupandaroundandhavethekidstoschoolon
time.WestartedcommutingthemtoschoolsinEugenethisyear,soeverythingtakesmoretimenow.They
cannolongerjustrolloutoftheirbedsandalongthesidewalktotheirfirstclassesinthemorning.Ithas
beenanincredibleboonthatJennyandChrishavebeenhelpingustogetthistransportaccomplished,often
daysinarow.
Forthecomingcoupleofweeks(i.e.,duringtherelativelylightchemo),Sarawillbereturningtothe
classrooms(withTuesdaysstillrequiringsomemodifications).Shehasbeendoingbitsofworkhereand
therewhilecaringforme,butthiswillbebackfull.Herclassroomteachershavebeenmostunderstanding.
Itwillbestrangebeingawayfromher.I'llgetvariousprojectsdonearoundthehouse,astirednessallows.
I'malsodealingwiththestartofthesideeffectwherethealimentarytractfromstemtosternstartstoact
up.Ohjoy.Isuspectthatthehairloss,then,whichisreallyamongtheveryleastofmyworries(unlessthere
isskinirritationalongwithit),isnotfarbehind.
Atshortchemotoday,Dr.ChosaidthatIcouldtryacoupleoftheLorazepam(thatIhaven'tbeen
needingfornausea)asasleepaid,andIhavesomeoptimismabouttheprospectofitworking.Andwedid
myleastfavoritepartofchemo:changingthePICCline.
KeagangotanA+onasciencetest,hisfirstever.GradesasgradesaresomethingthatIkeepintight
perspectivewhenitcomestowhattheyactuallytellus,andallofthat,buttheimportantparthereisthathe
wasjustplainhappy,andIloveseeingthat.
It'sabout10:00pm,andI'mputtingtwoLorazepamundermytongue.
131113
Huzzah!SLEEP!Ifellasleepfairlyreadilyandonlywokeuponce,about3:00am,fromaChoppedplotteddreamwithadditionaladventurouselements.Verylongandinvolved.Peed,ofcourse,gotthereand
backwithsomebalanceissues(andastrangebronchialitchthatstillmakesmecoughwhenIbreatheatall
deeply),andthen,crucially,Ifellbackasleep.NowIhavewokenaboutmynormal5:00-ishamtime.I'm
imbalancedsomewhat,andabitbuzzy,butfeelingsignificantlybetter.I'llhavetoseehowthisevensout
duringtheday,andthenmakesomeguessesaboutwhatImightneedtodotonight.Butmyprospectsfor
continuedrestareatleastlookingup.I'mjustalittleconcernedaboutthatseeminglyallergicreactioninmy
airway,butthatmightalsojustbefromtheBleomycinthatIhadtoday,whichissuspectforthatirritation
already.
Therestofthedaywasprettystraightforwardforawhile.Igottheleaflittercleanedupfrom
underneaththecarthatIhaven'tdrivenforsolong,rested,andthen(sinceIwasn'tfeelingdizzyanymore)
droveafewblockstothestoreandback.Nicelittlesenseofnormalcy.ThenImadetheStroganoffinthe
crockpot,whichhasbeenafamilyfavorite.Watchedamovie,talkedwiththelawyer,playedalittlebitof
GuildWars,putteredaroundonemail(workandhome),gotsomesmallchoresoffthedeck,andallsortsof
stufftofilltimeuntilSaragothomewithKeagan.Mariyawasattheplayrehearsaluntillate.
Thendiarrheastruck.Iwasinthereoverandoverandoveruntiltherewasnothingleft.Endedup
takinganImmodium,andskippingdinner.SotodayIwillstartoffwithaverylightbreakfast,andhavemy
strategybejusttokeepuponliquids.
131114
131113
184
I'mgoingtosetupsomesortofregularschedulesothatIremembertopursuetheGaeliclessons,
drumming,andsoon.ThoseareallgreatthingsthatIcanpracticewhenfolksarenotathome.
Myfacehasbeenunusuallygreasyfordays,andisnowstartingtobreakoutinwhatitcan'tseemto
figureoutisactuallyarashornot.Butitwouldbeniceifitdidn'tgojustberserk.
Onemorething:stuffhasbeentastingfunny,asifmymouthwerecoatedwithathin,dulllayerof
unappetizingfat-likefuzz.ImadeChickenMarsalawithMushroomslastnight.Well,wewereoutof
Marsala,soIusedaverydrysherry,andgiventhechangesinmytastesImightaswellhaveusedBoost.No
oneseemedtomindtoomuch,althoughthisdishthatusedtobeafamilyfavoritethatIcouldcounton
becomeslessofago-towhenthekidsarenolongerinterestedinthemushrooms.Thenitjustbecomes
chickeninamushroomsauce.WhichIsupposeisjustnottoobigadealinliferightnow.
I'mdownshiftingtooneLorazepamtonight.
Oneupperandloweropposingmolarontheleftsideattackedmeoutofnowhere.Intense.Nothing
wrongwiththeteeth.Mustbesomeweirdneurothing.Triedtwodifferenttopicaloralanalgesicstono
effect,asthepainisdeepintheroot.Theupperfinallystartedtoreleaseitsgrip,butthelowerkeptatitfor
quiteawhile.AndIwasalsohavingotherodd,randomstabbingpainsthatarecomingandgoing,likedeep
inmyheel,orinmyside,plusmoreringingandroaring.Juststrange.Eventuallyitallcalmeddown,and
thoseteethareleavingmealoneaslongasIdon'tdeliberatelypissthemoffwithsomethingtoocoldor
whatever.Something,however,toldmyleftinferioralveolarnerve(fromthemandibularnerve)andmyleft
posteriorsuperioralveolarnerve(fromthemaxillarynerve)togetangry,onedirectlyovertheother,andI
don'tthinkthatpromptwasfromthetoothside,butratherfromtheinside.Thatstinks.Thethingis,Ihave
todoubtthatspeculationbecausetheonlycommonrootthesetwobrancheshaveisinthesemilunar
ganglionofthetrigenimalnerve,so,whoknows,maybeIdidjustbitedownwrongonsomethingbetween
thosetwomolars,andIjustdon'trememberdoingit.Anyway,I'mgoingtotrytostayoffofthemforafew
days.
131115
Gotsleepagain.TonightI'lltrygoingitwithoutasleepaidatall.
MyarmissorearoundthePICCline,likeasmall,tuggingache.Thatstartedwhenitgotchangedon
Tuesday,thenIthinkIoverdiditwithcleaningtheleaflitter,doinghouseholdchores,driving,andwhatnot.
Gonnarestituptodayandseeifitwillcalmdown.
Imadeicecreambreadandaddedthatrecipetothebook.Ihaveno"grandma"recipetolistformy
ownmom,butthat'sbecauseshetendstodothingsthataremorelikemakingfabricproducts,suchas
toastyblankets,andthepurplewizard'srobewhenmyeldestwasakid.Onceshemadecapesformeand
mynewnephewssowecouldplayLizardMan.Wedon'treallyhavetherightkindofhouselayouttodo
thatinside,butwehaveayardwithtreesandstuffthatwouldworkjustfine.Snowisnotarequirement,but
itwouldbenicebecausecapescanbehot,andtheyjustseemlikeanaturalsafetyresourceinanadjunct
snowballfight.
Anyway,here'sthething.IrealizedthatIhadendedupincludingasmallcollectionof"grandma"
recipesinthebook,soIwasgatheringthemintotheirownsection.(Yes,grampascancook,butthis
particularbookistheconsequenceofmyfamilyculturalconsequencesonmyspecificlifeandsetof
memories,soIonlyhavethegrandmastuffinthere,recipe-wise,justbecausethat'showmypersonalhistory
unfolded.)Itbroughtmetowonderwhethermydaughterhadagrandmarecipethatsheassociatedwithmy
mom.Shepointedout(asabove)thatmymomdoesmorethingslikegardening,fashion,history,andsoon,
andmentionedthatwizardrobeinparticularashavingbeenspecial.Now,duringthatprecisetxtexchange,
whichwasaveryshortwindowofopportunity,aDeLuxeFruitcakefromCollinsStreetBakeryarrived
131115
185
precipitouslyonmydoorstep,remindingme(withperfecttiming)ofwhatIhadforgotteninthemoment,
whichisthatmymomisequallyrightthehellonit,evenwithouttheactualrecipeavailable.Amagnificent
fruitcakefromCollinsistheonespecificbakeryitemthatisaswhollyrepresentativetomeofcareand
nostalgiaasareanyofthegrandmarecipesincludedinthebook.Yousee,fruitcakeusedtobethisvery
specialthingwhenJeffandIweregrowingup,anditwaskeptinthefreezer,andsometimesyou'dgetjusta
littleslice.WhenIwenttoworkrightoutofcollege,aguydroppedbyWaldenbookssellingfruitcakesfor
theLionsCluborsomethinglikethat,andIsuddenlyrealized,"Hey,Icouldbuyoneofthoseandeatthe
wholedamnedthing,noholdsbarred."SoIdid.Anditwasanincredibleexperienceoffreedom.Mylife
changed.Someyearslater,knowingthisstory,mymomtrackeddownthesefruitcakesfromCollins,and
fromthenon,rightaboutthistimeeveryyear,sheandmydadsendmeone.(Well,ok,Iamsupposedto
shareitwithmyfamily.AndIdo.Mostly.)Thisfoodisjustasimportanttomeasthoseassociatedwiththe
otherrecipesinthisbook.Andtheonethatarrivedtodaymanagedtodosopreciselyontimetoanswermy
question.Lifeisprettyfantastic.
Thekidsareeachspendingthenightatafriend'shousetonight,soSaraandIwillmakesomethingfor
ourselvesoftheevening.I'mthinkingthatwe'llmakealeisurelystartoveratLosCabos,whichisacomfort
restaurantforus,andit'sjustafewblocksfromhome,sothere'snostress.Peronohaycervezaparamí.I'm
reallynotmuchofadrinkeratall,butbecausewetendtojustwalktoLosCabosinsteadofdrive,I
sometimesenjoyoneNegraModelowithmymeal.Butnottonight.Curseyoucancer!
131116
Igottosleepokaywithoutmeds,butwokearound3:00amwithasharpsorethroatintheupperleft
quadrant(nasopharynxmostly,neartheeustachiantubejuncture).Thatpainwasadditionallypissingoffthe
recentlysensitivetoothnerves,plusI'vegotanearacheonthatsideaswell(andthetonguerootonthat
sideisalsosore).Ididacoupleofhyposalinesinusrinses,readforabit,andthenactuallymanagedtoget
backtosleep,butthepainwentbackupandwokemeagaininaboutanhour;IthinkthattheCPAPis
irritatingthesorethroatareainthenasopharynx(despitethehumidifier).SoI'vegivenup,gottenup,and
runanotherrinse.Itwouldbeniceifitwouldjustcalmdownsomewhat.
Anditstarted.TherewasplentyofhaironthetowelasIdriedmyheadthismorning.Atthatpoint,I
knewthatI'dendupbuzzingitthisweekend.I'vebeenfeelingfarmoregreasythannormal,myfacialskin
isrebelling,andanumberofsmallsoreshavedevelopedonmyscalp.Weneedtopickupsomesoapthat
wasrecommendedandgivethatashot.Idonotwanttoooze.
WewenttoNoodles&Co.andvisitedwithAnthony,Marissa,andtheir1.5y.odaughterAmelia,whois
acutelittlepunkin.TheycametotowntoseeMariya'splay.Anthonyisthekids'olderhalf-brother(through
theirbiodad).Ilikethem.
Laterthatafternoon,Ireachedupandliftedabunchofhairoffofthebackofmyhead.Itwaslike
lookingatsomethingtangledinmyfingersthattheheaterventhadbeenblowingacrossthebathroomfloor.
(Ourbathroomiskeptveryclean,buttheoccasionalloosehair-scurrierisafactoflifeinafamilywith
multiplelong-hairedpeople.)EachtimeIreachedup,morewouldcomeloosewiththeslightesttouch.It
wastimeforaction,becauseIwasn'tgoingtositthereandtrichotillomaniamyselfallday.Ibuzzeditallthe
waydown,thenfinishedoffwiththeelectricrazor(whichIlaterbotheredtomaximallyclean,usingthat
bluecleaningsolution).I'mreallynotonetomakeStarWarsreferences(asthisbookwillattest),butin
termsofmylookingatthebackofmyheadwithahandmirror,Iwillleaveyousimplywiththeimagethat
yougetofahelmetlessVaderashismeditationchambercloses.(Ihadtolookupwhatthatcapsulewas
called.)I'vealwayslookedforwardtothenotionofgoingbaldwithage(despitethelackoflikelihood),but
thisisnotthepaththatIhadinmind.
131116
186
ThePICClinehasbeenactingup,makingmyarmsore.Sarasawsomethingaboutitthismorningthat
shedidnotlike,andwhichshedoesnotdescribetomebecauseIdonotwanttogetsicktomystomach.
Probablyexudateinthebandageorsomething,butshesaysit'snotswellingorinflammation.Shecalledthe
doc(outofearshot),saidIhavenofeverandsoon,andI'mtryingtoholdoutaboutgettingittakencareof
untilTuesday,whichwouldbethenormaldaytodoit.
Today,withallofthesideeffectsaddingup,Ijustdidn'tfeellikedoingsquat.Gotacoupleoflittle
thingsdone,gotmyheadshaved,thenendedupjustwantingtowatchsomeshows,namelyagood
documentaryaboutGregoryCrewdson,acoupleDeepSpaceNine(whichSaraandIcandrowsethrough),
andthreeChopped.Ikeptfeelingmyscalp,whichisweird.It'samixedexperienceofsensitive,numb,
rubbery,prickly,andrough...norealsmoothareas,likeyouseewiththepolishedheadsofsomebaldmen.
Itleavesmefeelingspongy,whichisjustareallyniceadditiontoanalreadyperfectday.Andsee,that'sthe
thing:Ifindwhiningtobeaworthlessendeavor,preferringtodosomethingaboutwhatevermightbe
irritatingme,andcertainlynotmakinganyoneelsesitaroundandabsorballofthatpettycrap.Andagain,
I'vegotitreallygoodcomparedtowhatloadsofotherfolksaregoingthrough.Buttodayithasalljustsort
ofaddedup,andinaggregateIfindmyselfgivingwaytojustlistingthatshitandpointingoutthatitisa
landmarkdayfornickle-and-dimingmeintofeelinglikeit'snotagoodday.IthinkthatnowandagainIam
justsuccumbingtothefeelingoflearnedhelplessnesswiththe"decay"sensoryissues,knowingthatIsimply
havetolivewithitinescapablyforanotherseveralweeks.SoItrytoshutupandremindmyselfthatatleast
I'mnotanactualzombie,andthatonthebrightsideI'vegottenbacktogettingokaysleepforthemost
part.
Ontheplusside,Igottouseoneofmyhats,anditfitsnicely.Itfeelsstrange,butsodoesanything
thattouchesmyheadatthispoint.It'ssoftandwarm,sothat'sgood.Inthehouseitgetstobetoowarm,in
fact,butIcanjusttakeitoffthen.Ijustdon'twanttohavetoremoveitwhenI'mdoingstuffoutsidethe
home.Withcolderweathercoming,thatshouldn'tbetoomuchofaproblem.
131117
Sleepwasokay,wakingforashortwhileat3:00am,thenagainat6:30,whichisfineforme.Nosore
throat,whichbringsmetowonderifitwasmorelikeasoreinthenasopharynx.Thelowertoothisstilla
bitachy,soI'llstayoffofit.Thesoretonguerootstillzingssometimes.I'mfeelingstuffedup,andthere's
cracklingfluidinmymiddleears.Mildlynauseated.Istillhavethatdisgusting,taste-obliterating,sensation
ofalayerofmungyfatinmymouth,butIfigurethat'swithmefortheduration.It'sjustgross.Anditruined
thisparticularseason'sexperienceofthefruitcakethatmyfolkssent.
Myscalpdoesn'tfeelasspongyasbefore,butitisstillverystrangetothetouch.Idon'tknowhow
muchitfeelslikeit"really"feels,andhowmuchmybrainistryingtomakeupsomesortoffeelingas
marginallycoherentfeedbackforasetofsensationsthatsimplyhaveitbaffled.
WegotouttoJoAnn'ssothatthekidscouldchoosethefabricsfortheirhats,thenwedroppedMariya
atherplayanddidachorerun.Saramadeabeautifullemonmeringuepie.
Therashontheskinofthebackofmyheadclearedup.I'vedevelopedastrangesortofblisteronthe
palmarsideofthemiddlejointofmyleftlittlefinger.Mytongueisnotaspainful.Sorethroatisgone.I
continuetohaveallofthestuffinesssymptoms.ThePICClinecontinuestobesore.
131118
131117
187
Gottobedrelativelyearlylastnight,andfollowedasimilarpattern:wokeafterfourhours,goofed
aroundforhalfanhourorsowaitingtogetsleepyagain,wentbacktobed,wokeacouplehourslater.
GaveatalkatUOtogradswithtwootherSLPs.WasabletograblunchwithSara.
Startedfevertoday.Armpitsswelledup.Lotofnasaldrainage.Symptomslikeamildflu.Urgencyand
frequencyofpeeingisincreased.Justfeelingcrappy.
131119
Wenttobedevenearlier.Wokeearlierfirsttime.Wokeearliersecondtime.
Fevercontinues.
Chemotodaywentfine.
LudeanstoppedbybearingfoodfromherandCarolandVirginia.Wehadanicevisit.
Sara'snotfeelingwell.Headache,mildfever.Renderedbasicaid,willseehowshefeelsinthemorning.
131120
Upat1:30am.Notfeelingtoobad.Don'tthinkIhaveafever.Stillabitrunny.Thumbisslowly
gettingbetter.
WrotenomorethanthatonWednesday,andnow,tryingtogobackandfillitinfromFriday,but
littlestandsout.SaradidgettoNextStepandboughtaniceJVCVCR/DVDcombofor$20thatIwillbe
usingwiththetapetransferproject.
131121
Newsymptommid-morning(afterreadingwhilelyingonmyside),likeanesophagealsphinctercramp.
Badpainrightunderthexiphoidprocess,whichhurtstopalpate,rightthroughtotheback,andupintothe
jaw/neck.Icaneasilytakeadeepbreathwithoutchanginganything.Itpassesafterafewminutes,butithad
mepacingaroundweighingmyoptions(becauseitfeelsworsereclining),whicharefew,becausenoone's
goingtoknowforsurewhatthehellitis.It'soneofthosethingswheretheyremoveyourgallbladdertofix
theproblem,justtoactliketheyknowsomething,andwhenthepaincontinues,theyjustgo,"Oops,guess
youcouldhavekeptthatbit."Ithappenedagainatbedtime(afterlyingonmysidetowatchChopped).
Nothingtobedoneexceptavoidlyingonmyside,justincase.ImentionedtoSarathatI'mthinkingit'sa
crampsince(a)itfeelslikeit'scramping,and(b)mylowerextremitieshavefeltonthevergeofcramping,
and(c)shesaidthatthechemoleechespotassiumandleavesavulnerabilityofcramping.Sofingerscrossed.
BeenworkingontheVHS-to-digitaltransfers.
131122
131119
188
Badtoothwokemelastnight.
Spentthedaybeingalumponthecouch.Feelingunmotivated.
Sara'sdadarrivedtoday.BeckiandKyecameoverandwewerealsobeabletovisitwithherAunt
Phyllis(mom'sside)upfromAlameda.
131122
BadtoothgotmeagainwhenIwokeupinthemiddleofthenight.Notsurewhat'smakingitflareup
whenI'msleeping.MaybetheCPAP?
131123
Helpedgetthelivingroomcleanunderthesectional,usedonlymylefthand.Lunchfromthelocal
BBQplaceisnotasgoodasfromtherestaurantinCottageGrove(bymyfamily'saccount...can'ttrustmy
tasting).FolkssawMariya'splay.
Toplayerofskinpeeling.Hairhasstoppedgrowingaccordingtoemptyrazor.Bottomsoffeethurtto
walk.Mildfever.Justkindafeellousy.
131124
picclinearmtoosoretotype,becauseihavetostretchabittoreachkeyboard.justonelessthingi
cando.typingthiswithjustlefthand...soannoying.fortunatelyIhavelittlelefttosay.littlestircrazy,and
facingheavychemoweek.
131125
triedstayingoffrightarmyesterday.somewhatlesssoretoday.
talkedwiththelawyer.they'lltakethecase.feelingoptimistic.
131126
Armmuchlesssoretoday.
Chemogavemethatasthmathingagain.Ithinkit'sacombooftheBleoandthesheeradditional
volumeoffluids.
PhonedDad.It'shis85thbirthday.
131122
189
Findingithardtogettosleeptonight.It'sonly11:00,though.
131127
Prettynormalheavychemoday.Armnotsoreatall.Afterwardswewentandpickedupsomestufffor
thefeast.We'renotpreppingmuch,sincewe'llstillbedoingchemo.
131128
HappyThanksgiving.
TheinsomniaiscomingbackenoughthatIthinkthatI'llhavetostartusingthepillsagain.
Overthelastcoupleofdays,Ithinkthatsomedepressionhastakenhold.Idon'thavedeeppersonal
experiencewithhowthatfeels(justexperienceknowingandhelpingpeoplewhohavetroubleswiththis),as
mynaturaloptimismseemstoholdthatsortofthingatbay.Sure,Igetmelancholysituationally,butthat
resolvesalongwithsaidsituation.Andthatmightbethecasehereaswell,butIamonlyhalfoftheway
throughthischemoprocess.I'mhopingthatitwon'trequiretheinterventionofmoremeds.It'sjustthatI
amfeelingoftenonthevergeoftears(andoccasionallybeyond)duetotheinstancesofhelplessnessandmy
beingaburdenonothers.Iamfindingittobeverydifficulttofightmywaybackupthroughthatswampto
amorerational,objectivespace.Myheadishavingahardtimeintellectualizingtomyguttokeepthatstuff
incheck;inotherwords,Iamnolongerabletojusttalkmyselfintobetterspirits.AndIdon'twanttovisit
thatgarbageonthepeoplearoundmewhoaredoingsomuchtohelpme.It'shardenoughonthemasitis.
Theonsetofthedepressionmakesitclearthatthesideeffectsarenowofficiallyfallingintothree
categories,andit'srenderingaweirdbalancebetween(a)mynormaltendencynottocomplainand(b)shit
happeningthatmakesmereallywanttocomplainanyway.Ihavebeentryingtosortofblockitalloutand
justsurvivetheordeal,takingitdowntoalevelofmerelybeingaroyalpainintheassthatIjusthaveto
waitout,butifIlookatittruthfully,it'sworsethanthat.AsmuchasIknowthatotherpeoplehavea
hardertimewiththeirlives,Iamfindingitincreasinglydifficulttobesanguineaboutthewholething.Ifind
myselfgettingangrierwiththedoctorswhocouldhavehelpedmetoavoidallofthis.Thatwastheirjob.
Theyfailedmemiserably.Icouldn'thaveavoidedthecancer,butanearlierinterventionwouldnotonly
haveavoidedthechemo(sincethelymphnodesdidn'tbecomeinvolveduntilaftertheyweresendingme
home),butthetesticleitselfmighthavebeensavedwhenthetumorwassomuchsmaller.Iamnota
litigiousperson,norisSara,butIamcrossingthatline.
Anyway,backtothecategorizationofthesideeffects.
Afewsidesarescary,suchastheeffectthatdidn'tmakeitintothe"whattoexpectwhenyou're
chemoing"brochuresaboutthepainfulspasmthatspearsinthroughyourxiphoidandoutthroughyour
backthatyouneedtoconvinceyourselfisnotaheartattack.Therearethreeorfourofthose.The
depressionhasbecomeworrisome,withoccasionalforaysintoterrifying.
Mostofthesidesarejustkindofannoying,suchaseverything-tastes-insipid,sore-PICC-line,
collection-of-variable-insomnias,nasal-draining,out-gassing,andsoon.Therearelotsofthose,inpart
becausetherearesomanydifferentwaystobeannoying(e.g.,sensorilygross,painful,restrictive,andsoon).
Andofcoursetheinsomniaonlymigratedtothiscategoryafterwefiguredoutawaytoaddressit.Andthe
sorenessofthePICCline(whichseemstohaveresolved)isnotinthesameclassasconstantlyhavingtotry
toignoreit.(ExcusemewhileIgodistractmyselfforawhile.)
131127
190
Onlyoneoftheeffectsisactuallykindofinteresting,namely,"Sothisiswhatit'sliketorockabald
head."PlusnowIcanreminisceoverhowIgotthosevariousscalpscars,soIguessthat'srelativelyokay.
(Thewholeprocessofactuallyphysicallylosingthehair,includinghowthewhiskersandsoonendup
scrapingoutwithlayersofskin,isannoyingandgross.)
So,ontheonehand,I'mresigned(i.e.,it'sallgristforthebookmill),butontheotherit'saconstant
battletokeepittogetherwiththeBIIphobiademandingthatIgetthecreepydamnPICClinerightthehell
outofmybodyrightthehellnownownow.Or,fromanotherperspective,Iknowintellectuallyorbrainwise
thatI'vegotnothinghugetocomplainaboutcomparedtowhatlotsoffolksgothrough,butemotionallyor
gutwisethisisstillsohorriblethatSaraandI(evenasotherwisethoroughlynon-litigiouspeople)have
engagedalawyertofindalegalremedyagainstthedoctorswhokepttellingmeforsolongthatIcouldjust
ignorethegrowingmasswheninsteadtheycouldhaveexercisedacompetentstandardofcarethatwould
haveallowedmetohaveavoidedthechemoaltogether(evenifnottheprimarysurgery).
131129
Veryjitterytodayandyesterdayevening.Madeitthroughthefinaldayofchemoofthesecondheavy
week.Forsomereason,Fridaysmakemefeelparticularlyantsy.Ithasbeengettinghardertoclosemy
handsnormally,andmyfeetfeelweirdtowalkon,allbecauseofthewaterweightgain.Iwentfroma
prettysteady225-228upto238Thursdaymorning,and241bythatafternoon.I'mpeeinglots,butclearly
thathasn'tbeenenough.
ItwasgoodtobeseenatWVCIratherthantheregionalinfusionplace.(Wewenttotheregionalone
onThanksgiving,anditwasnotagoodexperience.)
Notfeelingasdespondent.
Iwenttocleanthekitchenbeforegoingtobed,andthetypicalthinghappened:Icouldn'twashthe
dishesuntilIfixedthesprayer,whichrequiredthatIreplacethebulboverthesinksoIcouldseewhatI
wasdoing,whichIhadtowaittodountilafterIgotreadyforbedsothekidscouldshower,whichentailed
changingtherolloftoiletpaperwheresomeonehadleftonesquareforthenextperson,whichmeant
recyclingtheemptyroll,whichiswherethecatcaughtmeanddemandedtobefed,andsoon.Soitjust
keptbackingupwithfurtherchoresinareversechainofsettingupdominos.
Wetriedoneofthosedeflatableshowersleevesacoupleofdaysago.Don'tbother.
IendedupusingtwoLorazepamlastnight.Istillgetupasoften,butitiseasiertogetbacktosleep.
131130
Nothingspecificonfortoday.Gotabunchoflittlechoresdone.
131201
Triedthesportswrapinsteadofporetape(withthePICClinecover),notthetannishkindwiththe
stringinit,butsomesortofbrightbluestuffdesignedforkidsthatstillhasthatstretch-gripproperty.It
131129
191
workedwell.Didabroadwrapwithmanywinds,anditdidnotcomeundone.Thatmightgiveachancefor
thepeeling/bruisedareaofskinundermybiceptohealfromalloftherepeatedremovaloftheporetape.
Gotonadriveoutandabout,justtogetoutofthehouse.Stoppedbythelocalgrocerystore,andit
willbeclosingpermanentlyaspartofabankruptcyproceeding.OddthatIjustreadabout"fooddeserts."
We'llnotbeasbadoffassomeplaces,butthenextnearestgrocerystoreiseightmilesdownthefreeway.
We'llbeokaybecausewedobigweekendshoppingelsewhere,pickupstuffalongthewayhomefromwork,
andgenerallyonlyuseRay'sforconvenienceshopping(wherewecansubBi-Martforsomeofthat),butthat
distanceisgoingtobeprohibitiveformanyoftheCreswellresidents.They'reworkingongettinganother
storetocomeinandtakeover,butthatseemslittlelikelytohappenanytimesoon(ifever),andtheshelves
arealreadybareofbread,eggs,andsoon.
Moresteroid,somoreLorazepamtonight.Wasasleep,butgotuparound11:30.
131202
Tookthekidstoschool.Sarabackinherrooms.WasgoingtoworkontheATassessmenttoday,butI
needtogetmyworklaptopbackbecauseIdon'thaveacopyofthefileonmyhomemachine.SoIworked
ontransferringthereel-to-reelrecordingsofSara'smominstead,andthat'sgoingwell.
131203
ChemowasrelativelyeasyandshorttodayinthatIsleptthroughtheBleomycininfusion.Changing
thePICClinedressingisalwaystraumatic,though.
Mariyahadherwinterchorusthingatschooltoday,andthatwasaniceperformance.
Beentryinganothergrain-basedinstanthotbeverage,butitwasgivingmeheartburnflip-flop
stomach,soit'sout.I'mgoingtoseeaboutorderingsomeofthedandelionstuff.
131204
Wednesday.BroughtSaraherphoneouttotheESD.Lotsoficescrapingrequiredbeforethecarwas
safetodrive.(SnowpredictedforFriday.)VisitedwithCarolandStevewhileIwasattheESD.Made
Goodwilldrop,gotgroceriesfromMarketofChoice.Workedmoreonthereel-to-reeltapes.
131205
Thursday.Gotmythankyoucardswritten.Well,Icomposedandtypedupthesentimentsforeach
personandclassroom,andSarawillactuallywritethatallinthecardssothatitislegible.
Istartedexperiencingneuropathicsignsasthedayworeon.Dr.ChoalwaysasksaboutthosewhenI
seehim,butIhadn'tshownanybeforenow.Fromwhatheaskedmeabout,Ihadbeenthinkingthatitwas
131202
192
goingtobejusttinglingandnumbnessandsoon,butinmycaseitturnsouttobefairlyseverecramping
fromthehipsdown.(TheCisplatinumappearstobetheknownculprit,butitissogoodatwhatitdoesthat
there'sexcellentreasonnottoswapitout.)Itstartedjustinthehipsocketandthenspread.Advilhelpeda
little,butIhadtotakefourofthem.Hydrocodoneinadditiondidnothing.
131206
Theneuralgiaandcrampingkeptmeupallnight.TherewasnopositioninwhichIcouldlie,sit,or
standthatgavemeanyrelief.Everyfewsecondsmyfeetcrampedup(butwithoutthesensationofmytoes
tryingtogointhewrongdirections,whichI'veexperiencedduringregularlife),sotherewasnothingthatI
coulddoeffectivelytooccupymyselfthroughthosehours.Icouldn'tsitatthecomputerandtypebecause
theofficechairmadeforworsehippain;infact,IhadtowaituntilSaturdaymorningtogetbacktothis
journal(althoughIwouldhavebeenpain-freeenoughtohavedoneityesterdaylaterintheday).Icouldn't
sitandread.Icouldn'twatchamovie.WhatIcoulddowasworryabouthavingthisconditionbechronic
throughouttheremainderofthetreatment,andwonderhowIwasgoingtokeepfromgoingberserk.
Inthemorning,Iwasonlyabletohobbleabout.Puttingweightontheleftfootwasparticularlydicey,
soIcouldn'trisktryingtostandintheshower.Movingaboutsome,evenhobbling,seemedtohelpabit.
Saragotholdofthenurse,whohelpedussetupadifferentpainmedregimen.Seemedtoworkaftera
coupleofhours.Ikeepsaying"seemed"becausewehavenowaytoknowhowthiswouldhaveprogressed
withoutintervention.Butitwassobadthatitwasn'tworthfindingout.
Anyway,todaywasaSnowDay!Sarawasabletosleepinforonce,whichwasgreat.Shedeservesthe
rest.
Wegotoutside,butIcouldn'tgofartherthantheporchbecauseofthestairs.Thekidsgotoverto
Jenny'sandvariouspointsaroundtheneighborhood.Saragotsomegoodvideoofsomerobinsplayingin
thebushesbythehouse.
We'renowdecoratedforChristmas.Wewatched"WhiteChristmas"thisevening.
TodayIgotthelastofthereel-to-reeltapesfinished.Nicetogetaprojectactuallydone.Onetape
turnedouttobeSarawhenshewasabouttwoyearsold,andJennywhenshewasababy.
131207
WorkingonaTARDIStreetopper.HavetogetsomenewX-ACTOstuff,unlessSarahassome.
131208
Sunday.Firstanniversary.Roadstoobadtogetoutandabout.KidsstayedovernightatJenny's,and
SaraandIhadaneveningalone,dinner-and-moviestyle.
131209
131206
193
Monday.Gotanormalnight'ssleeplastnight.Uptwicetopee,thenrightbacktosleep.
GotanotherSnowDaytodayjustbecausetheroadsaretoobadforkidstogettoschool.
FinishedtheTARDIStreetopper.Veryhappywithit.
131210
Tuesday.Schoolsstillclosed.Smallchemo.Gotstockingstuffersforthekids.
131211
Wednesday.Schoolsclosed.Cleanedremainingsnowoffofcar.Madegingerbreadhousefromkit.
131212
Thursday.Schoolsclosed.
131213
Friday.Schoolonagain.ChristmasshoppingforSarabymyself.LunchwithSara.Droppedbooksoff
atKate's.ChristmasshoppingforSarawiththekids.Tiredmyselfout...waaaayout.
Foraweekorsomynasalmucosahasbeenintrouble.Notgoingintodetailsbecauseit'sgross.ButI'll
begladwhenit'sbetter.
131214
Saturday.Mariya'srecitalattheShedd.Shedidverywell.Jennytookthekidsforawhile.SaraandI
playedGuildWars.
131215
Sunday.Relaxingday.
131210
194
131216
Monday.Chemookay.DocsaysIwon'tbereadyforworkuntilmaybetheendofJanuaryratherthan
Dec.WenttotheUncommonScentssoapstore.ForgotNathan'sbirthday.TalkedwithJeffonthephone.
131217
Tuesday.FixedSara'slaptop.Stillneedtoremovecasebaseandpoundoutdent.
SaraandMariyagotouttoseeaCreswellbasketballgameandgottomeetBen'sparents.(Benisthe
youngmanwhomMariyainvitedtotheWinterFormal.)TurnsoutthattheyarefosterparentsfortwoLife
Skillsstudents,oneofwhompassedawayrecently(andwithwhomIworked...madeaswitch-accessible
snackdispenserforhimandsoon),andoneofwhomwasoneofmyveryfirststudents.I'vemetthemomat
anIEPbefore.Sarahadgoodthingstosayaboutthem,andwe'llinvitethemalloverafterChristmas.
131218
Wednesday.SaragotoutChristmasshoppingwiththekids.
131219
Thursday.Mucosaisworse.
Makinghoney-lemon-sesamedrumsticksfortheJunctionCityChristmaspartytomorrow.Marinating
overnight.Finishedthe"wreckingball"ornamentfortheexchange.
131220
Friday.Lastdayoflastbigchemoweek.Justsmallweeksleftuntiltheendoftheyear.
140218:AndSoItEnds
IstoppedkeepingupwiththisjournaljustbeforeChristmas.Itwasamatterofmissingacoupleof
daysorso,beingbusyaroundtheholidays(finishingchemo),andthennotwantingtogobackandfillinall
ofthedaysthatIskipped.
Thechemoseemstohavetakencareofthecancer(accordingtoaPTscan),andnowIamjusttrying
tobepatientwhileIgetovertheremainingsideeffects.That'stakingamuchlongertimethanIthoughtit
would,andisgettingmedown.Mysenseoftasteisback(mostly),butmyhandsandfeetarestillswollen
131216
195
andsensitive,mymucosaisstillhealing,andmyhairisonlyjuststartingtogrowbackinaroundmymouth
(i.e.,onmyheadIonlyhavesparsewhitefuzz).Andthenthere'sthechroniclackofenergy(physical,
emotional,spiritual,andsoon).
Wehaveafollow-upappointmentveryearlyinMarch,afterwhichIshouldbeabletogetbackto
work.
Ihope.
140218:AndSoItEnds
196
ʃ AnOpenLettertoMyExes ʅ
D
EARFORMERPARTNERS—
Iamsincerelyverysorryaboutallofthat.
Itwon'thappenagain.
—Trace
***
That'sall,really.I'monlyplacingthatletterinthispartofthebookbecauseitarosefromsome
reflectioninwhichIhadtimetoengageduringtheinsomniabouts.
Untilacoupleofyearsago,itreallyseemedtomethatmyfamilyhistorydictatedanoptimal
approachtorelationshipsthatwasbaseddeeplyintheromanticidealofpure,mutualloyaltyandabsolute
commitment.Ashi-falutin'notionsgo,itsoundsveryprettyanyway.Myparticularpatrilinealhistorysaid
thatamanwouldalwaysstickwith"hiswoman"nomatterwhat,nomatterhowbadlyshetreatedhim,unless
shedecidedtoleavefirst.Simple.Ofcoursethereisavarietyofbehaviorthatrepresentsthatsortof
"leaving"oremotionalabandonment.Coldnessisoneprominentsuchtype.[Note1]
Lately,however,particularlyinthelightofamarriagethathasbeengoingsophenomenallywell(with
burgeoning,healthygrowth),Ihavefoundmyselfanalyzingthispoorlyexaminedpastandaskingmyself
whythiscurrent,solid-over-timesortofrelationshipneverhappenedwithmebefore.Icanseenowthatmy
attachmenttomyfamilyhistoryamountedtoatypeofbigotry,andIamjustasashamedofthatasifIhad
discoveredanyotherintoleranceinmyself.
So,itturnsoutthatIwasprettyignorantaboutromanticinvolvement,oratleastabouthowto
maintainanideallikethatwhileprojectingitontoreality.
Thisallmeansthateachofmyformerpartnersenduredwhatamountedtosomeunfairness.Not
physicalabuse,oranythinglikethat,buttheyhadtostrugglewithmyunrealisticexpectations.Thatwasnot
right.
Don'tgetmewrong.Almostallofthosefolkshadtheirownseriousproblems,andIamnotwaxing
amnesiacaboutthetimesthatIgotclobbered,butsomeofthemreallydeservedawholelotnicertreatment
frommewhenIwasoblivioustothepainthatIwascausingthembyexpectingsomethingthatthey
shouldn'thavehadtogive.
ThereweretimeswhenIthoughtthatIwasreally,reallyright,whenIwasactuallyreally,really
wrong.Itisonlythechangeengenderedbymymarriagetomytruest,mosttrustedfriend,plussomescarily
enlighteningtalkswithadaughterwhoknowsmesoverywell,thathasexposedthepoisoninherentinthat
chauvinismaroundmyfamilyhistory.Fortunately,onceIhavesomethinglikethatpointedouttome,it
doesn'ttakemeverymuchtimetoembracethechange.
All-doneignorance.
ʃAnOpenLettertoMyExesʅ
197
NOTES
Note1:Naturally,therearerelationshipdiversitieswellbeyond"amanandhiswoman"whentakenacross
otherpeopleandtheirorientationsandidentities.Mylanguagechoiceshereonlyreflectmydiscussionof
myindividual,personallifeasaheteromale.[Back]
ʃAnOpenLettertoMyExesʅ
198
« BackMatter »
τίςτούτωντῶντριῶνπλησίονδοκεῖσοιγεγονέναιτοὺέμπεσόντοςείςτοὺςλῃστάς
—Luke10:36
*Whichofthesethree,doyouthink,wasaneighbortothemanwhofellintothehandsofrobbers?
«BackMatter»
199
« Epilogue:Epitaphy »
A
LLLEARNINGISSENSEURISTIC,andIfindthatbiographiesinparticularallowmetobenefitfrommainlining
otherpeople'sexperience;forexample,ColePorteradvisedmetobepatientwithmyfailures,sincehe
wroteover1,500songsandhadfewerthan50hits,plusheperseveredafterhislegswerecrushed.Natalie
Barney'slifeisacautionarytalethatillustratestheisolatingconsequencesofsultanism;inotherwords,you
won'tcatchmesquanderinganymoreofmyvastfortuneinpursuitofaharem.Inthelinesbelow,Ihave
distilledeachsuchsetoflifelessonsintoanaphorism.Someofthesehomiliesrepresentlessonsthat
someonelearnedtotheirbenefit(RosemaryL.Bray),whileothersarehauntingpatternsfromwhich
someoneneverescaped(NatKingCole).Ifyouwanttoknowwhichoftheselessonscaricaturetheperson,
andwhichofthemencapsulatetheirworldinstead(includingthelivesofotherpeoplearoundthem),then
you'llhavetodosomeextracurricularreading.
Andwhyresorttoaphoristicreduction?Well,pithtakesuplessspace,it'sanentertainingchallengefor
me,andtheresultinghomiliesendupaspuzzlesforyou;forexample,whenIwriteonlythat"Musesare
seductive,"Imeantosaythatyourartwilldoitslevelbesttodrawyouawayfromyourfamilyandfriends,
whichmeansthatyouhavetobecarefultomaintainyourprioritieswhenitcomestoyourtimeandlove.
Justlikeahumanpartner,aMuseisnotalightswitch,andflirtingwithanArtinvolvesjustasmuchriskas
dallyingwithaperson.That'swhatIlearnedfromthecommentsmadebyTurner'sacquaintances,andfrom
descriptionsofhiserraticaffability…hisArtkepthimonashortleash.Icouldgoonandon,andinfact
Turner'sbiographersandresearchershavealreadydonesoforthousandsofpages.Howmucheasierforme
tosimplydigest,evenifitisalossycompression.
IhaveincludedthetitlesofthosebooksthatIparticularlyenjoyed,althoughIshouldwarnyou,they
standoutforavarietyofdifferentreasons.ThestyleofRosemaryL.Bray'swritingsetsastandardagainst
whichIwillforevermeasuremyownefforts,andthelivingvaluethatIgotfromreadingherautobiography
supportsmycontentionthatyoushouldalwayschoosesomelibrarybooksatrandom(whileremembering
theColePorterrule,ofcourse).TomArnold'sbook,incomparison,isaclassicexampleoftheclown
laughingwhentheonlyotheralternativeistocryyourthroatraw.HisadvicecontainsepisodeswhereI
cringed(moreorless)inthefaceofTMI,butthenagain,what'sthepointofaTilt-a-Whirlwhereevery
riderhasahandbrake?Inshort,ifyouusethesetitlesasareadinglist,caveatlector.
Andwithoutfurtherado,IgiveyouTheList:
Aalto,Alvar:Wearemorethanwhatwedo.
Aaron,Henry:Homerunsareonlypartoftotalbases.
Arnold,Tom:Whatyoudoislessimportantthanwhoyoudoitwith.[HowILostFivePoundsinSixYears]
Bacon,Francis:Don'tbeonlyafairweatherfriend.
Barney,Natalie:Youcan'tbuylove,butawealthydominatrixcanaffordmanyslaves.
Barrows,SydneyBiddle:Don'tkeepanydiarythatyouwouldn'tpublish.
«Epilogue:Epitaphy»
200
Bechdel,Alison:Thepreservergrowsdistantfromthepreserved.[FunHouse]
Bray,RosemaryL.:Therightmentormakesaworldofdifference.[UnafraidoftheDark]
Byron,Ada:Creativityresistscompression.
Chapman,Graham:Alittleexaggerationneverhurtanybody.[ALiar'sAutobiography]
Cole,NatKing:Trustisearned.
Crystal,Billy:Everygodhasasilverlining.
Gandhi,MohandasK.:Considerthelowlyvirus.
Harris,E.Lynn:Beoneofthevaluedpeopleinyourlifewhovaluesyou.
Hearn,Lafcadio(akaYakumoKoizumi):Beforecrusadingagainsttyrants,checkyourreflectionintheeyes
ofyourlovedones.
Hitler,Adolf:SeeHoover,J.Edgar.
Hoover,J.Edgar:Powerattractsblowflies.
Kazantzakis,Nikos:Thedestinationisthejourney.
Kimmel,Haven:Whatdoesn'tkillmemakesmestranger.[AGirlNamedZippy;SheGotUpOfftheCouch]
MacMurphy,Peter:Onlymiserylikesmiserablecompany.
Mar,ManYeeElaine:Escapeisanart.
Margaret,SaintandQueenofScotland:Teachyourkidssomefamilyhistory.
Martin,Steve:Bewarethezero-sumgain.
Massaquoi,Hans:Americansliveinaglasshouse.
McBride,James:KnowyourPeople.
Monroe,Marilyn:Ornamentationiscamouflage.
Oates,JoyceCarol:Sunglassesdon'tmaketheworlddark.
Oba,Sakae:Brainsarelocal;brawnisglobal.
O'Brian,Patrick:Friendshipisnotworship.
Porter,Cole:Foreverysuccess,bepatientwithfiftyfailures.
Schindler,Oscar:Sometimesyouronlychoiceiswhichlifeboat.
Sellers,Peter:"Sorry"issubjecttosemanticsatiation.
Shapiro,Susan:Thecommonfactorinallofyourlife'srecurringpatternsisyou.
Szpilman,Wladyslaw:Parentscan'tliveasiftheyhavenothingtolose.
«Epilogue:Epitaphy»
201
Taklha,NamgyalLhamo:"Homeiswhereyourheartis."[BorninLhasa]
Turner,JosephMallordWilliam:Musesareseductive.
Utley,Garrick:Lifewaitsfornoone.
Walker,Morris:It'sallaboutyourlovedones.
Watts,Alan:Organism=Environment.
Ziglar,Zig:Tellthemnow.
Zyskind,Eliezer:Mightwins;rightendures.
Iknowthattherearen'tallthatmanybioshere,butIstartedthisprojectyearsagoandsoongot
distracted,soyou'llhavetobepatient.
Autobiographyenjoysalongtraditionofrealitydrift.Sometimesanauthorbendsthefactsofa
particulareventtopreservetheemotionalaccuracyofaportrayal,changingsomeofthethingsthattheydid
tobettercommunicatewhattheyfelt.Oranauthormightintroducesomedartsandaccordionpleatsinthe
fabricoftheirlifetomoreaccuratelyportraythesenseorthefashionofthetimeinwhichtheylived.There
arealsocaseswheremoderateembellishmentsimplymakesthestorymoreentertaining,andIappreciate
that;afterall,there'salottobesaidforencouraginganauthortoportraytheirpersonaastheyperceiveand
interpretit,becauseanautobiographyisbydefinitionsubjective.Notthatapersoncouldn'twriteawholly
objectiveaccountoftheirownlife,butasfarasI'mconcerned,thatwouldjustbe(anautoless)biography.
Havingsaidthat,Ithinkthatanauthorcanstraysofarfromtheirpersonaastocreateafictional
character,ashappenedwithTimBurruspretendingtohavebeenNasdijj(clearly),orAlexFreypretending
tohavebeenAlexFrey(perhapslessclearlyforsomefolks,suchasAlexFrey).Worksthatcrossthat
threshold(forme)arenotincludedinthislist.
Andthen,totopitalloff,there'stheproblemofmemory.[Note1]
NOTES
Note1:IntheIntroduction,Italkedaboutburningatoothpicksculpture.Toavoidmuddyingthatstory,I
didnotbringupsomeaspectsofthetalethathavebecomefuzzytome.Forexample,Iseemtorecallthat
myfriendDarenwasthereaswell,andthesculpturemighthavebeenasharedproject(takingofffromone
thathadbeenstartedatschool,maybeinsixthgrade),butwhilemymemoryskillsarereallystronginsome
ways,thereareothersinwhichitfacessignificantchallenges.Sohemighthavebeenthere,ormybrain
mighthavethrownthatinjustforthehellofit.AndJeffremembersmydadpissingontheblaze,butthat
mightbeapocryphal.
OnetimeagirlfriendclaimedthatIhad(monthsbeforeherretelling)beentoabeachpartywithher.Isaid
thatitmusthavebeensomeoneelse.Shewasadamant,though,borderingonangry.Thethingis,shewas
raisedthereinSanDiegoandhadbeentoallsortsofbeachpartieswithnumerousotherpeople;in
contrast,Ihadnever,everbeentoabeachparty,soifIhadeverdeviatedfromthatpattern,Iwouldbe
verylikelytoremembertheonlybeachpartythatIhadeverattended.Sowhichofthetwoofuswasmore
likelytohavebeenmistaken?Logicwouldsuggestthatshewasinaccurate.Ithinkthatwhatwasmakingher
soinsistentwassome(unnecessary)embarrassmentaroundthelikelihoodthatshehadbeentherewitha
differentboyfriend.IwasequallyinsistentbecauseIdidn'twanttogiveherretconningpermission.Ididn't
havetheexperienceatthetimetounderstandthatconflictinthoseterms,butIknowthatIdidn'ttrusther
enoughtoletherrewriteourhistory.Welearnsomeofthesedynamicsfromslipperyslopes(thatsometimes
havequartzembeddedintheredclay).
«Epilogue:Epitaphy»
202
Anyway,myworstmemorydisabilityisthatIcan'trememberpeople'snameswellatall,orcallthemto
mindreadilyevenwhenIhaveknownthemwellforyears.Typically,somenameclosetothetargetblocks
theretrievaloftheactualname.TwonamesinparticularusedtoplaguemewhenIwasakid:JimBrown
(footballplayer)andJulieNewmar(notfootballplayer).Ialsousedtohaveahellofatimetryingto
rememberthenameofmykindergartentherapist(ToddAnton)eventhoughbythetimeIwasinhigh
schoolhehadbecomethedistrictSuperintendent.
AndIcanrememberthat(backaroundfourthgrade)IusedtohaveapenpalnamedJulieArndtwholived
inAmes,Iowa.Sohowcomesomeofthosenamesaresoeasytoaccess,whileothersconsistentlyhide
behindothernamesthatactasdistractors?IfIfigureitout,I'llletyouknow.[Back]
«Epilogue:Epitaphy»
203
« SuggestedMedia »
T
HISAPPENDIXSTARTEDOUTASASIMPLELISToforiginalsourcesandadditionalreadingrelatedto
semeiognomy,butthenthe"homerepairrule"waxedfulland,well,hereweare:toebone,footbone,
legbone,kneebone,andPartsNorth.
MymainthoughtaroundthissetoflistsisthatImustbeforgettingsomethingcrucialandobvious,but
ifIwaitforthatverylastpop,thepopcornwillbeburned.So,withapologiestotheunpoppedkernelswhose
artistryhasslippedmyfrictionlessmind...
«SuggestedMedia»
204
BookFavorites
There'snopossiblewaythatIcouldlistallofthebooksthatIlove,butthesefewhavefollowedme
aroundforyears,evendecades:
Ball,Philip(2001)BrightEarth:ArtandtheInventionofColor.ISBN0374116792[Iwishthattherewerea
definitive,well-writtenbooklikethisabouteveryinterestingsubjectofstudy.]
Bornstein,Ruth(1976)LittleGorilla.ISBN0899194214[Thisbookrepresentsmanyfondmemoriesoffamily
reading.]
Crowley,John(2006)Little,Big.ISBN1568654294[Weavingthethreadsofborder-realmlifeintoa
(Parthian)flyingcarpet,thisisoneofthemosteminentlyre-readablebooksthatIhaveevercomeacross.]
Dickens,Charles(1843)AChristmasCarol.[Simplyoneofthebeststoriesever.]
Gaiman,Neil,andPratchett,Terry(2006)GoodOmens:TheNiceandAccuratePropheciesofAgnesNutter,
Witch.ISBN0060853969[Ifindthistobeacharming,lovely,silly,smart,funny,wise,fluid,literate,notwastefully-truthfulmodelofreality.IfIcouldchoosetobelikeabook,thismightwellbeit,preferablyona
coffeetablewherepeoplemighttendtosetcookies.IgreatlyadmireGaiman'snovels,shortstories,and
Sandman,andhavewanderedthroughPratchett'sDiscworldafewtimes...somevolumesmoreoftenthan
others.]
Kimmel,Haven(2001)AGirlNamedZippy.ISBN03855499825[Nomoreautobiographiesshouldbewritten
likethisbecauseIamfartoobusytoreadthemallandI'dhavetogiveupeatingandsoontomakethe
time.I'malsoveryfondofSheGotUpOfftheCouch,inwhichKimmelchronicleshermother'slife.]
Kipfer,BarbaraAnn(Ed.)(2001)Roget'sInternationalThesaurus,SixthEdition.ISBN0062736930[Thishas
beenmyfavoritekindofbookfromatimewhenIwasveryyoung.It'sahugedealtometohavebeen
mentionedintheForewordofthiseditionduetosomeincrediblydedicatedworkbyJanaandGreg.One
time,whenlaudingmyproofreadingskillsinacoverletterforanNLPjob,Ideliberatelymisspelleditas
"Forward"totankmyprospects.Longstory.]
Lester,Mike(2000)AisforSalad.ISBN0399233881[Thisbookinvariablycheersmeup.Justthefactof
someonehavingtheideatodothismakesmefeelbetterabouttheworld.]
Saberhagen,Fred(1992)TheHolmes-DraculaFile.ISBN0441342450[Atbase,Ireallyliketheideaitself,and
thatsomeonethoughtofit,andthattheywroteitupformetoreadaboutit.I'masuckerfortruly
alternativeHolmesinanymedia(althoughImustadmitI'mnotsofondoftheoriginalbooksforeither
character).]
VanAmerongen,C.(Translator)(1967)TheWayThingsWork.ISBN0000913154[Ilovedthisbookasakid,
poringoveritforhoursonend.]
Wolfe,Gene(1980)TheShadowoftheTorturer.ISBN0671253255[MyaffectioncoversallthreeoftheBook
ofthe__Sunseries(New,Long,andShort),includingthecompanionvolumeentitledTheCastleoftheOtter,
plusmostofeverythingelsethatWolfehaswritten(andmadeavailableforpublicconsumptioninthe
domainofspeculativefiction...exceptthatIhaven'treadthepiratebooks).WolfeidentifiesJackVance's
DyingEarthashighlyinfluential.]
BookFavorites
205
Yourgrau,Barry(1987)WearingDad'sHead.ISBN087905283X[Thisisautobiographyinitsfinestwritten
form.AndwhileIdon'thappentokeepacopyaround,I'dcheerfullyhavetoaddGrahamChapman'sA
Liar'sAutobiographytothisclassofbooks.]
ThedayafterIfinishedwritingaboutthesebooks,IhappenedacrossanarticlebyWinniethePoohauthor
A.A.Milne("AHouseholdBook,"inNotThatItMatters)inwhichhetalksaboutchampioninganadored
bookamongvariousofhisacquaintances(andanyoneelsewhowouldholdstilllongenough).Hedescribes
thisbelovedworkasamuch-lesser-knownbookbyKennethGrahame,whoatthetimehadacoupleof
populartitlestohisname.ThatunknownbookwasTheWindintheWillows.Ifeelgoodwhenthosesortsof
timelyassociationspopup,andtheydosoofteninmylife.
IthinkthateveryhouseholdshouldhaveatleastoneBDD(BigDamnDictionary).Referencebooksin
generalratehighonmylist,includingManguel'sDictionaryofImaginaryPlaces,andtheEncyclopediaof
ThingsthatNeverWerebyPageandIngpen.
Herearesomegeneralrules.Ihavelonghadafascinationwithpost-apocalypticworks,aslongasit's
notjustanotherzombifiedworld.ItwouldtakeanadditionalbooktoadequatelypraiseMoore'sgraphic
novels.Comicbooksareawesooome(whereIhaveanattachmenttoBarrandBoland'sCamelot3000
becauseitwasthefirstonethatIcameacrossthatwasprintedonMandostock),asarecomicssuchas
Watterson'sCalvinandHobbes.Infifthgrade,theJamesHerriottbooksstartedtobecomeveryinfluential
(andIstillwatchtheseriesnowandagain);forthelongesttimeIthoughtofthemasstrictly
autobiographical,ratherthanrealizingthattheyweresemi-soforWight(whichofcourseisafinemodeas
farasI'mconcerned).Atmyleisure(whenIhaveany)Istillmainlineallmannerofspeculativefiction(and
willoftenfillintheoddwait-timesthisway),butbecauseIabsorbbookssorapidlyItendtosearchoutlong
series(e.g.,Cook'sBlackCompany,Tolkien'sLordoftheRings,Adams'Hitchhiker,Herbert'sDune,Asimov's
Foundation,Rowling'sHarryPotter,Lewis'Narnia,andPratchett'sDiscworld),orI'llseekoutheavier
textbooksoninterestingtopics.
Andofcourse,oneofmyabsolutemostfavoritebookswillalwaysbeFindingFairies,whichmyeldest
daughterwrotewhenshewasveryyoung.
MovieFavorites
MyfavoritemovieofalltimeisBigFish,followedbyTheFullMonty.
Butrightupthereare(innoparticularorder):BlazingSaddles,WithoutaClue,GuessWho'sComingto
Dinner,WhatDreamsMayCome,Harvey,TheRulingClass,BicentennialMan,SevenSamurai,TheTasteofTea,
WelcomeBackMr.McDonald,KingofHearts,WillyWonka&theChocolateFactory,SixteenCandles,Elf,
StrangerthanFiction,1776,FiddlerontheRoof,AManforAllSeasons,AlienNation,ColdComfortFarm,La
CageauxFolles,BladeRunner(withoutthenarration),Simon,EdwardScissorhands,BeingThere,ForrestGump,
TheMuppetChristmasCarol(andAChristmasCarolwithAlistairSim),ToKillaMockingbird,ThePrincess
Bride,TheBride,Creator,TheColorPurple,TorchSongTrilogy,TheFisherKing,RosencrantzandGuildenstern
areDead,Labyrinth,andsundryMontyPythonproductions.Ireliedonanumberoftheseworks(plusothers
thatnolongerrankamongmyfavorites)whenIwasteachingcollege-levelargumentationandrhetorical
analysis,wheremytopicswouldbetherhetoricofinsanity,fantasy,orhumanity.
It'shardformetoratealloftheDisney,Pixar,Illumination,DreamWorks,andotheranimatedmovies
thatIcanwatchoverandoveragainandenjoyeverytime.Highonthelistwouldbe:TheIncredibles,Up,
DespicableMe,Wall-E,ThePrinceofEgypt,andalmostthewholeStudioGhiblicatalog.ImustsaythatThe
ManWhoPlantedTreesstandsoutasspecial,andIlovehowtheNationalFilmBoardofCanadahasgone
outofitswaytomakesomuchabsorbingworkinanimationbroadlyavailabletotheviewingpublicfor
MovieFavorites
206
free;therewillalwaysbeaspecialplaceinmyheartforRichardCondie'sGettingStartedandTheBigSnit,
andCordellBarker'sTheCatCameBack(withCondiesound).
Therearesooomanyothers(includingsuchfranshisesasStarTrek,LordoftheRings,HarryPotter,
PlanetoftheApes,andsoon),butforvariousreasonsthatIcan'tfullysortout(sometimesnothingother
thanpuresentimentality),theoneslistedaboveareafullfivestars.Ienjoymusicals,andIownseveral
dozensoundtracks,plusitturnsoutthatthereareawholebunchthatdidn'tmakethelistsimplybecauseI
wouldratethematfour-and-a-halfstars.Andbecausethis"internetminiseries"defiesmyold-timey,
conventionalcategories,butisfivestars,IwillmentionhereDr.Horrible'sSing-AlongBlog.
TelevisionFavorites
Thisisamuchshorterlist:DoctorWho,StargateUniverse,BattlestarGalactica(2003),30Rock,Arrested
Development,Mulberry,FlightoftheConchords,AngryBeavers,Sherlock,TheSing-Off,TheWestWing,The
MuppetShow,AllCreaturesGreatandSmall,MST3K,theUpdocumentaryseries,BlackBooks,andholiday
specialsfromwhenIwasakid.
Stand-upFavorites
First,there'sSeanCullen,JakeJohannsen,andEddieIzzard.Thenthere'sMitchHedbergandGlen
Foster.AddDuck'sBreathMysteryTheater.Yes,Iknowthattheseareallmen,andIdothinkthatwomenare
equallyfunny;Imean,justlookattheMarkTwainPrizeforHumor.Butforwhateverreason,myexposure
sampleisnotrepresentativeyet,soIhaveseenfewerperformancesbyfolkswhoaren'tmen.
MusicFavorites
Toomuch,toomuch,toomuuuch.Talkaboutadauntingtask.Ohwell,nothingforitbuttopresson.
ForclarityI'llputsongtitlesinquotesanditalicizealbumnames.AndI'lltrytoworkfrombigtosmall.
Sortof.
IlikejustabouteverythingbyHarryNilsson,DannyElfman,DaVinci'sNotebook,BarenakedLadies,
John/Patrick/Paul/MasonWilliams,ELO,PatrickO'Hearn,BenFolds,Kitaro,TheTubes,Queen,Acoustic
Alchemy,CorrineBaileyRae,TheArtofNoise,Yes,2002,andTheHollistonStops.IadoretheAngel
WINGsalbumTheNymphaeum(whichasitscoverjusthappenstousemyfavoritepaintingfromthelocal
museuminwhichIspenttimeasakid).Ienjoymuchoftheworkby(butnotallof)DavidBowie,Elton
John,ImogenHeap(whereIwasintroducedtothismusicbymyeldestdaughter),MikeOldfield,GypsySoul
(musthear"SilentNight"),TheMuppets,CelticThunder("StealAway"),NatKingCole,SuzanneVega,Herb
Alpert(thanksDad),LaurieAnderson,MauriceJarre,Jean-MichelJarre,LeonRedbone,JimCroce,and
MannheimSteamroller.
Ilistentoloadsandloadsandloadsofacappella,someofitoncollegeradio.
Movietrailermusic(e.g.,albumsbyCornerStoneCues)isfascinatingandwonderful.TVthemesongs
areoftensentimentalfavorites.Igetathrilloutofmoviestudiothemesandtheclipsthatusedtoplayjust
beforeatelevisionspecialcameonwhenIwasakid.
TelevisionFavorites
207
Icanlistenrepeatedlytomany,many,manysoundtracks,suchasGodspell,AcrosstheUniverse,Princeof
Egypt,PhantomoftheOpera,ForrestGump,DoctorDolittle(myfirst,whenIwasalittlekid,withan
attachmentto"BeautifulThings"and"WhenILookInYourEyes"),Fame,JesusChristSuperstar,AChorus
Line,BattlestarGalactica,FiddlerontheRoof,andmusicfromPeanutsmoviesandTVspecials,plustheMyst
games.
I'mskippingtheuseofpossessiveapostrophe'-s'inthislistofindividualfavoritesongs(thataren't
alreadyonalbumsorbyartistslistedabove):Einaudi"Divenire,"Rachmaninoff"All-NightVigilOpus37
Vespers"(Wieder-Athertoncello,ortheSt.PetersbergChamberChoir),Lanz"Cristofori'sDream,"Murdoch
"AllmyDays"and"Breathe,"VitaminStringQuartet"EarlySunsetsoverMonroeville,"MilaDrumke"Super
8,"BlueSwede"HookedonaFeeling,"Sakamoto'sthemefrom"MerryChristmas,Mr.Lawrence,"Lang
"ConstantCraving,"Muller"MyNameisnotMervGriffin,"Gershwin"RhapsodyinBlue,"OceanLab
"BreakingTies,"Wayne"ElephantEars,"Mancini"MoonRiver,"Jackson"ManintheMirror,"Aerosmith
"KingsandQueens,"RogueTraders"VoodooChild,"Carlisle"ButterflyKisses"(dangyouOprah),Cara
"OutHereonmyOwn,"Air"Lafemmed'argent,"StreetCornerSymphonycoversof"Creep"and"FixYou,"
Whelan"CaoineadhCúChulainn,"BeckcoverofTheKorgis"Everybody'sGottaLearnSometimes,"Young
"HarvestMoon,"NewRadicals"YouGetWhatyouGive,"Gaye"What'sGoingOn,"Puccini"Nessun
Dorma,"Adkins"AllIAskforAnymore"and"You'reGonnaMissThis,"Trans-SiberianOrchestra
"Christmas"(CaroloftheBells),Krauss"Jubilee"(andherversionof"BabyMine"),Sade"Mermaid,"Cagle
"ChicksDigIt,"Cooke"AChangeisGonnaCome,"Nesmith"SomeofShelley'sBlues,"Satie"Gymnopédie
No.1,"Holst"ThePlanets:Venus,"Genesis"TheBrazilian,"FiveforFighting"100Years,"Gabriel"Inyour
Eyes,"SigurRós"Medsudíeyrum,"Liebert"Promise,"Poison"SomethingtoBelieveIn,"Manhattan
Transfer"Ray'sRockhouse,"andTheyMightBeGiants"ParticleMan."
IsensorilycravemusicwithaheavybasslinethatIcanfeelthroughthefloorandchairandair.That
iscalmingforme.I'mnotadubstepfanassuch,buttherearedubstepversionsofsongsthatweregoodin
theiroriginalformthatIlikeasremixes,suchasRoksonix'coverofImogenHeap's"HideandSeek"(that
theyretitledas"WhatchaSay").AnothergoodexamplewouldbetheBareNoizeremixof"Heartbreak"by
M'Black.AndIlikeagoodpowerballad.
Finally,forwhatit'sworth,hereismytestsuiteforspeakers:
TenYearsAfter,ASpaceinTime,"I'dLovetoChangetheWorld"
TheChieftans,Santiago,"TearsofStone"
Foreigner,Records,"Urgent"
EdgarWinter,TheyOnlyComeOutatNight,"Frankenstein"
BoardsofCanada,MusichastheRighttoChildren,"TurquioseHexagonSun"
EdenRiegel/OfraHaza,ThePrinceofEgypt(soundtrack),"DeliverUs"
ArtistFavorites
Aargh,c'monself,leavemealone.I'mnevergoingtogetdone.
Okay,look,there'sErté(RomaindeTirtoff),GianLorenzoBernini,William-AdolpheBouguereau,
ArtemisiaGentileschi,JohnSingerSargent,KaraWalker,MauritsEscher...yaigh,justforgetit.Therearetoo
many.
ArtistFavorites
208
GamingFavorites
FantasyRole-Playing(FRP)GamescommercializedsomewherearoundthetimethatIwashitting
seventhgrade(goodol'Dungeons&Dragons),andtheycametooccupymuchofmytimewithmyfriendsall
thewaythroughcollege(andoccasionallybeyond).Intentonensuringthatmyeldestdaughterwouldbenefit
fromadoseofenhancedculturalliteracy,wetookahistoricaltourthroughthelikesofColossalCave,Rogue,
MightandMagic,andsoonward.Amongmymorerecentfavorites(whichwealsoplayedtogether)are
Arcanum,theMystseries,GuildWars,andCityofHeroes(andVillains).LatelyI'vebeenenjoying"hidden
object"games,whereFate'sCarnivalisaparticularlygoodexampleofthetype.
JeffandIusedtoownaGauntletarcadegame(whichwasn'tthemoneymakerwethoughtitmightbe),
butotherthanthatI'vejustneverbeenmuchofanarcade/consolefan.
OtherFavorites
Color:"Blue.Noyel-auuuuuuuugh!"
Spoonerism:"arse-papernudicle"(courtesyofmybrother)
Recipe:RiceCake
Doctor:9(Companion:Donna;Episode:tossupbetween"VincentandtheDoctor,""The
GirlintheFireplace,"andtheendingof,"TheDoctorDances")
Number:8
Letter:M
CitytoVisit:SanFrancisco(andsurrounds)
Season(weather):Fall
Seasoning:Paprika
Animal:Tiger
Cookie:Florentine
Advice:Principle#6("Adaptflexibly.")
Rule:Rule6("Thereisnooo...Rule6.")
Poem:"PointyBirds,"bySteveMartin
Dessert:Talenti'sSaltedCaramelgelato
MusicalInstrument:Drums(taiko,kettledrums,bodhrán...notdrumkits)
Flower:Iris,verydarkpurple(butnottooclosetoblack)
Semeiognomy
Ifyouarehonestlyinterestedinthisdomainofstudy,youmightalsotakealookatthematerialonthe
documentsdownloadpageoftheClyrwebsite.(Searchfor"semeiognomy"or"ymagelattice"anditshould
stilltakeyouthereeveniflinkschangeovertime.)Muchofthislistisfrozeninthelate90sbecauseIgot
busydoingotherstuff,butitrepresentsfundamentalworkinthefield.
GamingFavorites
209
Armstrong,DavidF(1995)GestureandtheNatureofLanguage.ISBN0521467721
Borror,Donald(1960)DictionaryofWordRootsandCombiningForms.ISBN0874840538
Chafe,WallaceL(1994)Discourse,Consciousness,andTime.ISBN0226100545
Fauconnier,Gilles(1994)MentalSpaces.ISBN0521449499
Givón,Talmy(1984)Syntax.ISBN0915027089
Goldberg,AdeleE(1996)ConceptualStructure,Discourse,andLanguage.ISBN1575860406
Goldberg,AdeleE(1995)Constructions.ISBN0226300862
Greenberg,Jill(2006)MonkeyPortraits.ISBN0316005128
Harris,RandyAllen(1993)TheLinguisticsWars.ISBN019509834X
Hauser,MarcD(1996)TheEvolutionofCommunication.ISBN0262082500
Iacobini,Marco(2008)MirroringPeople.ISBN0374210179
Jahn,RobertG,andDunne,BrendaJ(1987)MarginsofReality:theRoleofConsciousnessinthePhysicalWorld.
ISBN9781936033003
Johnson,Julia,andMansfield,Tracy(2001)Similaritymeasuresfornaturallanguageimages.InM.Gabbouj
(Ed.),ProceedingsoftheWorkshoponImageAnalysisforMultimediaServices:Vol.3(pp.69-74).Tampere,
Finland.
Lambrecht,Knud(1994)InformationStructureandSentenceForm.ISBN0521587042
Lakoff,George(1986)Women,Fire,andDangerousThings.ISBN0226468046
Lakoff,GeorgeandMarkJohnson(1999)PhilosophyintheFlesh.ISBN0465056733
Langacker,RonaldW(1991)Concept,Image,andSymbol.ISBN3110128632
Langacker,RonaldW(1987)FoundationsofCognitiveGrammar(v1&2).ISBN0804712611/19098
Levin,Beth(1993)EnglishClassesandAlternations.ISBN0226475336
Levine,Mel(1993)AllKindsofMinds.ISBN0838820905
Levine,Mel(1994)EducationalCare.ISBN0838819877
Levine,Melvin(1998)DevelopmentalVariationandLearningDisorders.ISBN0838819923
Magnus,Margaret(1999)GodsoftheWord:ArchetypesintheConsonants.ISBN0943549523
Mansfield,Tracy(1997)Prominence:fromSensationtoLanguage.UMI9820869
McNeill,David(1992)HandandMind.ISBN0226561348
Nippold,Marilyn(2007)LaterLanguageDevelopment.ISBN141640211X(SeealsothearticlesintheAmerican
JournalofSpeechLanguagePathology,2007-2009.)
Roy,Parama(2010)AlimentaryTracts.ISBN9780822348023
Semeiognomy
210
Ruhlen,Merritt(1994)TheOriginofLanguage.ISBN0471584266
Schiffman,HarveyR(1982)SensationandPerception.ISBN0471082082
Schwartz,BennettL(2002)Tip-of-the-TongueStates.0805834451
Shermer,Michael(2011)TheBelievingBrain:fromGhostsandGodstoPoliticsandConspiracies.ISBN
0805091254
Tomasello,Michael,andSlobin,DanI(Eds.)(2005)BeyondNature-Nurture:EssaysinHonorofElizabethBates.
ISBN0805850279
VanHoek,Karen(1997)AnaphoraandConceptualStructure.ISBN0226848930
Vesterinen,Rainer(2006)Subordinaçãoadverbial:umestudocognitivosobreoinfinitivo,ocliticoSEeasformas
verbaisfinitasemproposiçõesadverbiasdoPortuguêsEuropeu.ISBN9171551956
Watkins,Calvert(1985)TheAmericanHeritageDictionaryofIndo-EuropeanRoots.ISBN0395360706
You'realsogoingtowanttogetyourselfafairlygoodgroundingnotonlyincanonicalreligiousand
philosophicalmaterial,butcontemporaryskepticalworksaswell.
Semeiognomy
211
« Colophon »
I
WASTAKINGNOTESABOUTCAFETERIASTORIESwellbeforewordprocessingwasavailable,andsomeofitgot
typedupnowandagain.WhenIhitcollege(specifically,duringanOctoberholidayweekendin1980),I
startedcreatingtheactualstoriesandmovingvariouspiecesofthatmaterialamongawholelotoftext
editorsandwordprocessors(e.g.,WordStar,vi,WordPerfect,andsoon).SomeofitwasonFrameMakerfor
quiteawhile,startingwithVersion2forUnixonaNeXTaround1989,andendingwithVersion5for
Windows95.Someofthatworkwasregisteredforcopyrightasindividualstoriesintheearly/mid1990s.
AfterIfinishedmydissertationinlate1997,itwasmoreefficientjusttousehomeversionsoftheubiquitous
programsfavoredbymyemployersandschools,movingtovariousversionsofWord(forPCandthenfor
Mac),andfinallytoSigilandCalibre(andAdobeDigitalEditionswhenSigilnolongerhadabookviewon
Mavericks).NaturallyIraneverythingthroughEpubCheck.NodoubtI'lluseplatform-specificproofers
whenIgotopublishthisbook,butIprobablywon'tcomebackandeditthispassagetomentionthemby
namepereditionasthey'repredictable(e.g.,BookProoferforiTunes,PreviewerforKindle,andsoon).
ThisdocumentissetinBaskervaldADFStd,aGNUlicensedversionofBaskervilledesignedand
generouslymadeavailablebytheArkandisDigitalFoundry.(SomeePubreaderswill,sadly,defaulttoother
fonts.)ManyyearsagoIusedCorelDraw3toaltersomefontsforvariousprojects,andwhileIwasatitI
designedtheoperatorfor'directiconicproportion'.Thethree"meaningasconstrual"examplesweredrawn
inIllustrator,alongwiththe"blindspot"graphic,thenexportedasPNG.IalsousedIllustratorforthetitle
pagepinstriping,andtodrawtheornamentationforthechapterheaders(whichreducetosimplecharacters
like«»insomeviewers).IcoMoonconvertedthoseexportedSVGfilesintoaTTFfont,whichwas
convertedtoOTFonlineateverythingfonts.(Again,somereaderswilldefaulttothestandardcharacters.)
Thescanfrommygrampa'sletterwasdustedoffinPhotoshop.Thecoverandauthor'sbiophotowere
preparedinPhotoshop.AllPNGfileswerelosslesslycompressedwithImageOptim.IusedIllustratorand
iQRtoproducetheQRcodebelow.
Contemporarycolophonsarestrangetomeinthatoneofthemostinterestingpartsislost,namelythe
elegantdescriptionofthepaperonwhichabookisprinted,withallofitsinformationaboutitscolor,
weight,cottoncontent,andpossiblyothersensoryaspectsliketexture.
Ohwell.
«Colophon»
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«Colophon»
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« AbouttheAuthor »
W
HATELSECOULDYOUPOSSIBLYWANTTOKNOW?YoualreadyhavethespecificdateonwhichIwasborn;for
whateverdifferenceitmakes,thatdate(at8:08a.m.)meansthatI'maLeowithaScorpiomoon(15°
13'),makingmydebut(buttfirst)intheYearoftheTiger.(Tenyearsago,adoctor'schartnoted,"Avery
pleasantalthoughintensegentleman.")
I'vetoldyouplentyaboutwhereIgrewup,who'sinmyfamily,whereIwenttoschool,andallofthat
sortofstuff.Youcancalculatemylikelyheightandweightatanygivenage.I'veletyouknowwhatgives
mecredibility(andwhatdoesnot).YoualsoknowawholelotaboutwhatIenjoy(andwhatIdonot).So
let'strythis:
TracyCameronMansfieldwasborninCastroValley,California.Forthelasttenyears
orsohehaslivedwithhisfamilyinandaroundEugene,Oregon.Heisadogperson
withtwocats,oneindoorandoneoutdoor(plusvisitorsthatwanderby,suchasalost
rabbit).
There.Ithinkthattidiesupanylooseends.
Okay,fine,allexceptforthetraditionalauthorbiophoto...sohere:
«AbouttheAuthor»
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«AbouttheAuthor»
215
TableofContents
«Contents»
«Foreword»
«Preface»
«Acknowledgments»
«Introduction»
«Prologue:Grampa'sLetter»
ʃStoryPartʅ
ʃSafetyFirstʅ
ʃTheCannonʅ
ʃLibraryFineʅ
ʃDiscoveriesʅ
TheLegs
NeedletotheBone
ToenailTear-off
NailintheFoot
FrogForktotheKnee
ThighOhMy
ShinSplit
AchillesTendon
RabbitSeason
FullService
ToesBrokenonBed
ToesBrokenonGreenArmyChest
ToesBrokenonCouchLeg
NapandSnap
FootBrake
ToesBrokenonCoffeeTable
TheArms
TheBugSprayer
SewnFinger
StapledFinger
TrimmedFinger
CrushingChair
RingToss
ADoorableDigit
HittingThings
«AbouttheAuthor»
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9
10
13
15
22
23
24
28
31
33
33
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JackStandCouldEatNoHand
TheHead
Heigh-hotheDairy-oh,aPencilintheHead
HammerintheHead
CloseCoverbeforeStriking
TheFace
Dad'sWhiskerBurns
Shouldn'tThrowStones
TheNose
NoseSaw
HeyBuddy,GotTwoDimesforaNostril?
StringbetweentheEyes
NoseandShoulders
TheEyes
KnifeintheEye
EyeScreamScooper
EyeHook
ProfessionalEyeInjury
EyeProbe
Scissed
BlackEye,WhiteLie
TheMouth
BytheHammerofOuch
Stupid,Stupid,Stupid
Licked
ThroughtheLipsandovertheGums,LookOutPalate
TheEars
EarsCaughtinBannister
IsNothingSafe?
TheFront
FlatbedTruck
ContemplatingYourBurningNavel
Where'sMyMedal?
MovingDay
TheBack
SticktheLanding
IFeelaLittleHorse
HeDoesHisOwnStunts
TheCrotch
ApplyingtheFootBrake
«AbouttheAuthor»
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42
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CatPendulum
Nemesis
Hell'sGate
TheButt
TailboneBreaker
GettothePoints
TheGuts
SmokingUnfilteredCamels
Stuffed
ChewableChildren'sAspirin
TheSkin
SwimminginaHook-InfestedCreek
PoisonIvyforFloralDisplay
WhataBurn
Summary
ʃExplorationsʅ
Pyromania,Explosives,andChemicalReactions
ChemistrySet
MixingPesticides
BlackPowderfromGardeningChemicals
IntheFire
GrassesandGasses(andRiskingYourAsses)*
CementSparks
PropaneTankWelding
TheValueofHigherEducation
BurningMetal
Zished
MissileWeapons
BowsandArrows
Guns
StufftoThrowatCars
PlaygroundEquipment
Swings
Seesaw
MonkeyBarsandZipLines
JungleGym
PlaygroundSurfaces
HomemadePlaygroundStuff
Toys
Hippity-Hospital
«AbouttheAuthor»
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52
53
53
53
53
54
54
54
54
55
55
55
55
55
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VentriloquistDummy
Cars
Wizzzer
WiredRemoteHelicopter
Games
ClubTag
TackletheGiant
LizardMan
JumponJeff'sStomach
DiggingHoles
ToolsandGadgets
BoxCutter
Hammer
Zipper
KitchenTools
Animals
SeaLions
Lions
Tigers
Bears
Leopards
ApesandMonkeys
Rats
CreekAnimals
Reptiles
InsectsandArachnids
Birds
Fish
Dogs
Cats
VehiclesandSpeed
Food
ChurDonuts
TheSevenDayHairyLunch
RhubarbSalad
BeingWhereYou'reNotSupposedtoBe
Climbing,Jumping,andFalling
Swimming
MaximalZish
BridgesandSewers
«AbouttheAuthor»
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67
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67
67
68
68
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TheVeil
DoingWhatYou'reNotSupposedtoDo
Fighting
Sheeping
Summary
ʃMyDogHasaNoseʅ
ʃIAmaLuckyManʅ
ʃWeAllScreamʅ
ʃTheBridgeofHisNoseʅ
ʃTheThickEndoftheWedgeʅ
ʃIDoNotPledgeʅ
ʃAProcessofEliminationʅ
ʃGrahamGreeneʅ
ʃSharingaRideʅ
ʃTheoryPartʅ
ʃLosersKeepersʅ
ʃTheNewGeneticsʅ
ʃMermaidsArePracticalʅ
ʃIsolationʅ
ʃProbeTestʅ
ʃMysteriousSympathiesʅ
ʃSemeiognomyBasicsʅ
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97
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100
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109
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Form:aWordShape
Concept:aThoughtFeeling
Semantics:aThought'sContents
YmageBase:ADiagrammaticSemanticStructure
Meaning:theConstrualofaThought
Ymage:aConstruedThoughtShape
Symbol:aForm-YmagePairing
Iconicity:WhenFormisYmage
SummaryofTerms
139
139
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139
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140
140
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ʃSchool-AgeSpectralSpellingDevelopmentʅ
146
Summary
Discussion
MetaphorstoThinkBy
FutureResearch(forSomeoneElse)
ReferencesandOtherReadingsaboutSpelling
Table1:SynonymsforNamesofSpecificBandsintheSpellingDevelopmentSpectrum
«AbouttheAuthor»
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Table2:TermsAnalogousto"Band"
ʃOrangutanPrecognitionʅ
ʃCookbookPartʅ
ʃRiceCakeʅ
Ingredients
Directions
ʃWatermelonPicklesʅ
Ingredients
Directions
ʃPersimmonCookiesʅ
Ingredients
Directions
ʃIceCreamBreadʅ
Ingredients
Directions
ʃUnrealPartʅ
ʃSeminomaEvening(YouWillMeetaStranger)ʅ
ʃDistilledAdviceʅ
ʃChemoJournalʅ
131031
131101
131102
131103
131104
131105
131106
131107
131108
131109
131110
131111
131112
131113
131114
131115
131116
131117
131118
131119
«AbouttheAuthor»
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153
166
167
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131120
131121
131122
131122
131123
131124
131125
131126
131127
131128
131129
131130
131201
131202
131203
131204
131205
131206
131207
131208
131209
131210
131211
131212
131213
131214
131215
131216
131217
131218
131219
131220
140218:AndSoItEnds
ʃAnOpenLettertoMyExesʅ
«BackMatter»
«Epilogue:Epitaphy»
«SuggestedMedia»
BookFavorites
MovieFavorites
«AbouttheAuthor»
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TelevisionFavorites
Stand-upFavorites
MusicFavorites
ArtistFavorites
GamingFavorites
OtherFavorites
Semeiognomy
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207
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«Colophon»
«AbouttheAuthor»
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«AbouttheAuthor»
223