the Duel Observer - Hamilton College

the
Duel Observer
Volume XX, Issue VIII
“Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.”
October 26, 2012
Sentient ATMs Visit Campus
Fees include: feigned affection, “discussion” of recent life choices
Ice Cream Stolen from
McEwen
Student Genuinely
Moved by Class R eading
Other foods suddenly reminded of their own
mortality
Doesn’t know who to talk to about it
By Mr. Goebel ’15
Confusing Boner Dept.
Foliage Forecast
(SURPRISINGLY NOT THE DARK SIDE)
After a particularly emotional session with
Ovid’s Metamorphoses Monday night, freshman
Percy Danae ’16 struggled to find words to express how he felt—and someone to share those
words with.
“I’m feeling kind of sensitive at the moment,”
Danae said, staring out his third-floor window
while his roommate, Hannitt O’Flannery ’16,
covertly viewed pornography on his iPhone.
“This has never happened before. First of all, I
actually did the reading, and then all of a sudden, through all the hard-to-pronounce names
and long descriptions, ‘Orpheus and Eurydice’
really got to me.” When asked for a comment,
O’Flannery grunted non-committally.
“When Orpheus says that every human is
bound for death and that he’ll stay in the underworld if Hades won’t return Eurydice—wait,
hold on,” Danae said. “Let me go find it for you.
You really have to hear the words.” Despite his
roomate’s repeated attempts, O’Flannery reportedly failed to acknowledge Danae’s emotional
anguish.
Other students in Danae’s class were not so
riveted by Ovid’s tale.
“I didn’t do the reading,” Lucy Saldana ’14
said. “I mean I started, of
course, but I stopped when
I saw that the god of marriage was named Hymen.
I’m kind of a feminist.”
Danae spoke to The
Duel after class the following morning.
“I take requests,
“So I never actually
children.”
made it to the end of the
reading last night. It turns out after his wife dies
Orpheus starts going after pre-pubescent boys.
I’m not gonna lie, that kind of kills it for me.
“But this whole ordeal has just been a roller
coaster ride from the start. I’ve felt more in the
past sixteen hours than I have since eighth grade
when we had to read Where the Red Fern Grows.
…Oh, god, it’s coming back. It’s all coming back.
I need to go talk to Hannitt.”
friday
Dying
By Mr. Dyer ’16
Dept. of Criminal Affairs
(THE ROCK SWING) The loss of Bryan Wilhelm
Ice-Cream ’13, who was kidnapped last week, has
shaken the security of the McEwen kitchen neighborhood. “I didn’t really know him,” said Fish Filet
’16, “but it’s very frightening that something like
this could happen right in our backyard. I mean,
one minute he was just chillin’, and the next he was
in someone’s common room, icecreaming for help
while some drunkards scooped his melting insides
out.”
Others, like Swiss Cheese ’13, knew him more personally. “He was my cousin, but really, he was more like
a brother,” Cheese said. “I can’t believe he’s dead; it really makes me wonder who’s next.”
Among the most concerned was Sweet PotatoFries ’15, who saw the incident unfold. “I saw an acrobatic guy in spandex climb up the rock swing and
do a flip over the railing. He tiptoed down the stairs
and turned the ‘McEwen is closed’ sign around,
Student K inda Miffed
dropping Acid was Merely
Fun
“Why can’t I buy a life changing experience already?”
By Mr. Gwilliam ’15
Can Buy Me Love Dept.
(THE HEAVENS) It was late on a Thursday night
when Stephanie McAuler ’15 got a call from her “special friend.” This friend, her drug dealer, had a much
more intense offering than the normal weed and Adderall.
“He was calling to tell me he had gotten a hold
of acid. Real acid!” McAuler relayed excitedly, “I can’t
tell you how long I’ve wanted to pop a tab and just,
you know, become a better person. I’m not even that
interested in tripping. I just want to have a rational
conversation with Ghandi. Floating in boats fashioned
from giant unicorn horns down a river of cotton candy
optional, but preferred.”
On a sunny day not a week later, McAuler
cleared her schedule, turned off her phone and laid
clearing the way for the rest of the thieves to enter.”
Potato-Fries escaped capture by hiding behind Carrot Bag, Dean of Produce.
The whole incident has the foods contemplating
their fates. Hemp Granola III ’12, whose father Sir Hemp Granola
II was taken last year, is
unsure of his future. “It
could, like, go one way,
or it could, like, go the
other way. As Kansas
once said, ‘All we are is
dust in the wind.’”
Fennel’s death provoked a
The ‘Sips’ ingredients,
mixed reaction.
however, have no question as to their future. In a candid interview with Katie
Couric, Fennel ’15 said he knew that he would end his
life “spat back into a bowl of corn chowder and verbally
defamed.”
Not all of the foods are going to leave their demise
up to fate. Chicken Wings, Chair of the Protein Committee, has organized a neighborhood watch campaign,
‘Don’t Rewen McEwen.’
“I’m just trying to keep abreast of the situation,”
he said.
the white piece of paper on her tongue. She began
to feel jittery, like she had one too many cups of coffee. “Then suddenly, there were colors everywhere.
Rivers of cotton candy too! That surprised me, but
I was so happy. I remember thinking, ‘Holy shit...
the world is so blue. Like literally blue. Like that
song...’ But there wasn’t really anything, you know,
life-changing.”
Stories from McAuler’s childhood of people taking acid and turning into oranges forever had prepared
her for a very different trip. “Afterwards, I was a little
let down. I was expecting to come out of it as John
Lennon or something. A friend of mine was, like, all
prepared to join the army and serve his country loyally,
but then he dropped acid. Now, he’s working in a coffee
shop in Brooklyn, reading Nietzche, and contemplating the meaning of his life. How much better is that?”
When reminded that only experience offers real,
meaningful change, McAuler scoffed, “This is America. If my parents can pay 50,000 dollars a year for
my ‘education’ and ‘job security,’ I can definitely buy a
mother-fucking life-path-altering trip through worlds
unknown, right?”
In this issue: buffed butts and shiny heinies
saturday
sunday
Dead
Gone
High probability 98% chance leaf “Ooh, the red leaves
your existence is pile is basically a taste like strawberas fleeting as the
mass grave.
ries!”
leaves.
Yodapez & UCB Tour Co. Saturday
See “If you’ve read this far, you’ll probably enjoy it,” pg. 4
The Vengeful Spirit of
K irlkland College
“Seeing your semen donors and eggcarriers on campus only fills me with rage
towards the miracle of life. ”
By Ms. Simons ’16
The Eternal Observer
Sexist of the Week: Henry
Dillinger ’14
Words to the
Whys:
en’s right to work, to own property, to vote...
DILLINGER: Oh, I’m fine with women having the right to
vote, so long as they vote the way their husbands tell them to.
DUEL: How has dealing with anti-sexist discrimination affected your life at Hamilton?
Have you got questions? Well Isaac from the
Love Boat, The Duel Observer’s Spiritual
Guru, has answers!
The Duel recently caught up with Dillinger for an interview.
DILLINGER: It hurts a little sometimes to open The
Spectator and see a page full of pointed op-eds clearly
aimed at you without ever quite mentioning your name.
I’ve also been burned several times leaving my dorm because there are candlelit vigils outside of it every other day.
DUEL: What is it like, being a sexist in a community
like Hamilton that is so openly intolerant of your beliefs?
I want to impress this cute girl who lives in Major with my
taste in music.What’s more Dark Side: a dubstep remix of
Bach’s “Concerto Number Three” or a bluegrass version of
Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend?”
DUEL: What do you think of the different female Thanks!
groups on campus, like the Womyn’s Center and Her
Tone Deaf
Campus?
DILLINGER: Well, it’s hard some days, you know?
There’s a very intolerant culture here[...]people throw
around slurs like “misogynist” and “woman-hater” as jokes
with their friends without thinking of how hurtful what
they’re saying is.
DILLINGER: The Womyn’s Center is a fine organization.
Their meetings do a great job of keeping some of the women out of everybody else’s way. And at least Her Campus
shows an accurate understanding of women’s intelligence
and place in society, even if I’d prefer they didn’t read.
Henry Dillinger ’14 is an Economics major who plays soccer,
likes looking at pictures of cats on the internet, and thinks that
women are biologically inferior to men. Henry has lived his
whole life standing up for what he thinks is right: fighting
against racial prejudice, advocating for marriage equality,
and arguing that women have no valid role in society except
to bear male children.
DUEL: But don’t you, in fact, hate women?
DILLINGER: No! Of course not! See, this is exactly the
kind of intolerance that I’m talking about. I don’t hate women, I just think their natural role is to be subservient to men
and function as human chattel. What’s wrong with that?
DUEL: Pretty much everything. But in the interest of
free speech, let me give you the chance to clear up the
record about what you do believe. You’re against wom-
Dear Isaac,
Dear Tone Deaf,
First off, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing. I don’t
actually know what that means, but I think it needed to be
said. I’d go with the dubstep remix if she really digs atonal
harmony, wobble bass, or the number three. On the other
DUEL: Alright, this is the end of the interview, so here’s hand, if she loves Dylanesque imagery, go with “Boyfriend.”
With lyrics like “Chillin by the fire while we eatin’ fondue/I
your chance to close with a kitchen joke.
dunno about me but I know about you,” it’s practically anDILLINGER: I’ve never understood those jokes, actually. other “Tangled Up in Blue.”
Women aren’t smart enough to cook.
Although to be honest, the best music for wooin’ that sassy
DUEL: Well, that’s just blatantly offensive. Oh jeez, it lassie will always be Marvin Gaye.
looks like we’ve run out of space...or something, so we’ll Keep the cymbals splashy,
have to end this interview right now. Thanks for your time!
Isaac From the Love Boat
Interviewed by Mr. Hostetter ’13
R ejected R ed Weather Submissions
the Duel Observer
William cameron sinton II
Editor-in-Chief/ Bill and Nancy
Love is Deaf
A Play in One Act
(The curtain rises on an empty
stage. Pierre, our tortured protagonist, stands downstage in a circle of white.)
PIERRE:
.
(Blinks left eye three times. Audience understands
this to be an expression of grief of his parents’ divorce and his loveless childhood.)
PIERRE:
.
(Raises right foot. Raises left foot. Levitates for 23
minutes.)
Intermission
PIERRE:
!
(Places left foot behind head. Inserts index finger
of right hand in nose. Audience recognizes this as a
plea for emotional reciprocation.)
[pause while sobbing subsides]
PIERRE:
...
(Outlines box in air. Climbs into box. Chews off left
thumb. Presents thumb to nearest audience member.)
[hold for applause]
Curtain descends.
Edited by Ms. Chappell ’15
john kevin boudreau
Call Me Maybe
Editor-out-Chief/ /Joe and Pat
Sabrina esther yurkofsky
Oh cruel world! That you should bring
such an angel into my grasp
then rip her away amongst the thrall
and sweat of the Bundy dance floor.
Managing Editor/ Mark and Denise
James O’Mara Patteson
Layout Editor/ Gary and Karen
Alison Nicole Ritacco
Curse you, black-hearted nemesis
of the flat brimmed hat
for giving my angel a beer,
for grinding and whispering in her ear
the rhythmic murmurs of Carly Rae Jepson.
Photo Journalist/Lily and James
Bruce Springsteen
The Boss
Senior Staff Writers
JOHN PATRICK KENNEDY
John andrew carlysle johnson
James Joseph Lavelle
Colin Nathan Hostetter
Katherine Louise Joyce
NATHANIEL BENEDICT LANMAN
Misery
My tortured brilliance
cannot be contained
like the rain from a hurricane.
Death and sex are opposite
but oddly the same. Love
is a biological construction
and so are your fingertips.
Staff Writers
J. Andrew Phillip Schnacky
Hannah Curtis Chappell
Sarah alexandra caswell
Michael louis Dyer
Adam patrick Gwilliam
Contributors
Nathan taylor Goebel
David Benjamin Snyder
Ode to Mary Jane
Artistes
Oh sticky green filament,
substitution for creativity,
veiled beneath a common colloquialism
and the title of a Rick James song.
Haiku to You
I love you so much
that I wrote you this poem
then ran out of space.
Edited by Ms. Callwitz ’13
Charlotte hiniker Simons
Peter John Tolan
Copy Editors
Sarah McCoy Bither
Lillian Frances McCullough
Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is published every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true
or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or
imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences.
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