4th December 2008

Back Page
The
“Back for more? It’s the back page!”
Beware ye, the Chocolate Fountain
Swine flu and fountains and Guilds... Oh my.
Rahul ‘Mr Tea’ Mansigani
Writes one more time for old time’s sake.
Society in crisis as religion is questioned across the country. A third of the population at risk of death from a disease
brought in from abroad by animals. Familiar much? It’s the
black death. Not the far more ominous sounding H1N1. And
it really won’t be as bad. As swine flu begins to cast its ugly
shadow over the ancient halls and courts of this University
(accompanied by inverted commas from the more pretentious), surely we can take comfort in the fact that Cambridge
has survived plague, fire, rebellion, and several visits by
Prince Phillip.
Vol: 4.5
The
Brick
Out with the old, in with the news!
Issue: 5
A festive handover edition.
Brick Editors Squabble Over
Front Page!
All our days must draw to a close and,
alas, so too must my time as brick editor.
But thank you’re lucky, I’m here for one
last art... IMMA DUNCAN IM FOOLISH IN
SITUATIONS WHERE IMMA PRESIDENT OF
JVR.
I apologise, Duncan been overcome
with epiphany.
Hello. I’m Michael “Competent” Boyle,
and I’m the new, FLAME RETRDANT WANKER.
Not poo!
This preparation veers dizzily between sensible precautions (don’t cough all over your fellow freshers) to the surreal
(forbidding bowls of crisps in favour of ‘individual canapés’). Clearly, the central principle of guarding against swine
flu is pretty much the same as the one for staying thin—the most obvious one. So we probably shouldn’t exclusively
eat food mentioned in the first few chapters of Genesis (it’s an actual diet), whereas we should all probably eat healthily and exercise. In the same way, we probably all ought to wash our hands and not sneeze in each other’s faces,
whereas we probably shouldn’t fall into a rumour-induced panic about an impending flu apocalypse.
That’s not to say that Liz Guild, CUSU and everyone else concerned aren’t right. They are. Flu will happen, but it will
happen because we have twelve thousand undergraduates, newly arrived from various corners of the globe, rubbing
against each other in lectures, butteries and, God forbid, Cindies. It was therefore mildly surprising to receive a (very
polite) email warning of the ‘swine flu implications’ of the chocolate fountain that we introduced to spruce up our
‘Alternative Venue’ this year. The chocolate fountain, I may as well add, was a hot pink £30 deal from Argos bought
in a fit of jealousy when the John’s JCR President nonchalantly informed me of the pots of gold that are distributed
to their new Freshers as they hold a mini-May Ball to welcome them.
The University has also asked us all to add a flu friend on CamSIS, a website which I have barely been able to log
onto, let alone make difficult choices about which friend I would trust in a crisis. I was however saved from being a
member of the flu friendless by the intervention of someone who noticed that I’d accidentally put the person who was
supposed to be my flu friend down as my foster parent.
The solution to swine flu clearly is, as Welfare Officers across the University have been repeating for weeks, to
CATCH IT, BIN IT, KILL IT. And, because you’ll be at Cindies, do it to the tune of Technologic by Daft Punk.
Last Word: Handover (Noun); When your hand dies... much like the Robinson College Brick
after this issue... and the RCSA after this term.... You stupid retArdz....
The
04/12/09
Duncan ‘Brickmas Present’ Stibbard Hawkes and Michael ‘Brickmas Future’ Boyle .
Which is why the increasingly institutionalised paranoia
about the disease is beginning to be counter-productive. The
rather terrifying sentences from our Senior Tutor when I was
discussing swine flu preparations with her, I think, say it all:
“Swine flu will happen. We are prepared.”
Friday
Hello, Duncan again, sorry about him.
I LIKE MEN
Micheal here, at least we’re both better
than fucking Barnaby, it’s a shame that
I”M SUCH A GINOURMOUS PRUNE MUNCHER.
WELL I know when to end a running joke!
Plus, at least I didn’t apply to Kin.... oh....
This is fighting. SHAMEBRIDGE!!!!!!
You did too apply to King’s you psuedo-communist-try-hard. Cut your hair and get a proper
accent- bladder face.
Just because I have a weak knowledge of InDesign! At least my entire campaign
wasn’t some cheap Boris Johnson impression!!!
But... b.. but... Boris...? :(
Oh Dunco! I’m ever so sorry! Will you still be in my gang...?
I’ll always be in your.... what?
Will you come with me to my meetings with the Dean?
Oh... Michael... just because it’s Christmas.
Now come on Stibby, lets write one last comedy newsletter.
DISCLAIMER: The Brick is intended to be read a comical newsletter and nothing more. If you are offended by any of the content, fuck off. You try writing a fucking magazine at four o’clock in the fucking morning the day term ends. You ungrateful little shits.
Lots of love, Editors Michael and Duncan.
DISCLAIMER FOR THE DISCLAIMER: We’re sorry... It really has been a long night, we’re not that
organised. Nothing written here is true and please, please don’t let our words cause any upset. At the very
least it’d defeat the point of us being awake this late!
Page 1: This is page 1 Page 2:
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Brick | Friday 4th of December 2009
The
THE POORLY WRITTEN PAGE PRESENTS...
Dear Aunty Michael....
Hello dearies! Your lovely and by no means transgendered Aunty Michael is here to cure all your woe in as sympathetic a
way as his utter contempt for humanity allows.
Dear Aunty Michael,
I am settling into Robinson
College, but feel put off, as
the website is currently far
too friendly and inviting.
As a genuinely bad person,
I would hope Robinson
would cater to my inherent malevolence. Is there a
place for me at Robinson, or
should I simply transfer to
St. Johns’?
Yours’ sincerely,
Oswald
Dear Aunty Michael,
I’m concerned that I haven’t been mentioned
yet in this edition of the Brick.
Does this mean sad times ahead?
Yours in concern,
Gary the Porter
Dear Gary,
Never fear young Porter, there’ll always be
a home for you here in the Robinson College
Brick.
Goodbye,
Aunty Michael
Oswald pictured behind
Dear Oswald,
Yes, Robinson College is a relatively lovely place. But there’s plenty of evil
to be had, if you’re on the right mailing lists! Even our Creek is Thorney!
Plus, did you know that Satan himself lives in E16! In full term at least!
Hope to hear you cackling through the next matriculation dinner!
Dear Aunty Michael,
I’m a squirrel, living near Thorney Creek.
I’ve recently discovered sentience and
I’ve got a few questions. Why do we exist? Why do I feel love and pain, so often
entwined? Why do Land Ec.s always
tweak my ‘fluffy-wuffy taily?’ What can I
do? How best to I repel the damned Grey
interlopers?
Can I have a name?
Dear Frankie,
We don’t like your sort here. Not squirrels. Existentialists. As for the
Greys - don’t be so xenophobic, they’ve as much right to be here as
you! Its not like they left you alone in Paris, no money, no phone and
no way home, alone...
Go eat your nuts, nutbag.
Happy Christmas, Aunty Michael!
Dear Aunty Miguel,
I am a former Editor of the Robinson Brick and
I’m worried that the next Editor will be funnier
than I was... What should I do?
Yours,
Ed
Dear Ed - have you read the last six pages? No
one else has! Dicks.
Merry Christmas!
Dear Michael Boyle,
This is an injunction from solicitors of Ms. Huq
and Mr. Marc Quin. Please cease and desist
your unfounded and insensitive assertions, or
further action will be pursued.
Yours sincerely,
Paterson Kennedy Associates
Dear Pat and Kenny,
If you in anyway wronged, please consulted my
leaflet ‘Libel and You - A Practical Guide to
Reading the Brick.’
Christmas love,
Aunty Michael.
Dear Aunty Michael,
I’m a former Editor of the Brick, and now
doing a simply fabulous job massaging the current Editor...
Dear Former Editor,
Oh... Heaven......
Friday the 4th of December 2009 |
Brick |
The
THE VERY SLOWLY ENCROACHING DANGER
7
Robinson Stalig-Might be more than you think
Peter “Haddon” Hallen
While many naïve people believe that
Robinson College goes back no more
than a few decades, an eerie spectacle
lurking in Herschel court tells a different story. Dangling unassumingly
from the red bricks can be found mysterious ever-white icicles which could
give an insight into the true story of
our beloved college. As all intelligent
people know, stalactites take hundreds
of years to form, but as yet nobody
seems to have questioned the fact that of all the Cambridge colleges, it is Robinson alone, the ‘newest college’
which boasts such a fine array of these suspended sensations.
Many students reject the idea that they are stalactites at all; some say that they are actually the teeth of an ancient Dragon which once roamed Cambridge but found those Robinson red bricks a little hard to chew. Others
say that a jealous Professor David Yates glued them there to give the college a more historic feel. It has even
been suggested that they are the early sign of an alien invasion. Probably the most likely explanation, however,
is that Robinson was once the University brothel and these pale white streamers are evidence of one particularly
wild night, which would put our bops to shame. If this last theory is true, just imagine who’s ‘little soldiers’
could be fossilized in those innocent looking danglers. Perhaps one day the Cambridge greats can be reincarnated Jurassic Park style from the DNA in the Robinson stalactites, Watson and Crick would be most impressed.
Touching one of these putrid protrusions is said to result in a one thousand-year curse (or if you’re unlucky a
ticking off by Colin Barnes) so we may never know what secrets they hold. Whatever the mysterious truth may
be, there is no doubt that there is some dark secret lurking behind those red bricks of Robinson College.
We wish you a Konny Huqmas!
6
|
Brick | Friday the Konnie Huq of December 2009
The
Puzzle
Corner
Who’s Who?
Don’t let them touch or
the world will end!
Friday the 4th of December 2009 |
No Fin Compares To You
Brick |
The
3
Lacking streamlined body parts makes whale blue
Barnaby “Brickmas Past” Mollett
Is partial to ‘Free Willy’
Supervision prep for Land-ecs!!!
College authorities held emergency talks yesterday after it was revealed that Robinson’s
least favourite front court statue is actually a
real-life whale fin.
What-the-Huq?!
There are fourteen Konnies,
“hidden” in this issue of the
brick. Can you find them?
Sirens were whaling as police turned up at the
scene, following up complaints from Bentley
Beluga, a large killer whale, that he had spotted
his missing vital bodily organ in a photo of the
most recent issue of the Robinson College Record. “I woke up one day without a fin and began to blubber” said
Mr. Beluga. “It’s like waking up for a 6am fire drill; it’s just not very pleasant,” he continued, a comment with
which Head Porter Colin Barnes disagreed.
David Yates
Ken Bates
Fair Fortunes
Some say heathen sky magic is incompatible with Christmas. God says otherwise.
Fucking-Mystic Michael Boyle and Mystic-Fucking Duncan believe in neither but are
willing to lie for the sake of column inches and working class readership!
Aquarius
The age of Aquarius is dawning.
The age of Aquarius! Aquarius!
Aquarius!
Leo
Look for love under the mistle-toe
Leo. You won’t find it. But at least
you’re out of our way.
Aries
Santa doesn’t exist, Aries. And
never will. Because of what you did
last month.
Taurus
Frankly the Editor’s girlfriend is
Taurus and he’s too terrified to put
anything here. Merry Christmas!
Gemini
With luck you’ll finally pull this
Christmas. A Cracker that is. Ha ha
ha.
Sagittarius
Something about following a star,
‘cause these are, like, star signs.
Baby Jesus? No. Just ‘Jesus’.
Cancer
You’ll see mummy kissing... Santa
clause, underneath the mistle-toe
last night. Except that was me!
Pisces
There will be conception on Christmas eve Pisces, but it won’t be immaculate.!
Virgo
You’ll be neglected this Christmas.
By god.
Libra
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Is what they call you behind your
back Libra.
Scorpio
Scorpio with your nose so bright,
won’t you get your fucking nose
checked out?
Capricorn
Look to the moon Capricorn. It’s
round. Is that Christmassy?
Upon hearing the less-than-fintastic news, most freshers were concerned by the fact that the statue was supposed
to resemble a whale fin and wasn’t the winning statue from this years’ series of the reality show ‘Crap Statues
Made by Blindfolded Three Year Olds on LSD’, which proved a real ratings winner for ITV4. Everyone with the
surname Jones in college initially got very excited to mishear there was ‘news about Wales’, only to be later disappointed. Ents Officers James Pacey and Luke Whiting decided to change the theme of their next bop to ‘Rave the
Whales: Fin Up, Look Shark!’ in honour of Bentley, and students will be encouraged to have a whale of a time.
All students (except for 2nd year economist Niall ‘Massive Whale Hater’ Browne) were reportedly upset by the
way the whale had been mistreated.
The question of how this whale-based item of contraband ended up in a commissioned college artwork is now
being hotly debated. One angry vegetarian accused authorities of hypocrisy, riled as to how a college providing
‘dolphin-friendly’ tuna could provide a ‘whale unfriendly’ statue. The dilemma was also posed to former N-Sync
star Justin Timberlake, but he was too busy bringing sexy back to reply. However, the usual ray of light in these
terrible, terrible situations, Tom Blott has released another charity ballad, “Whale You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”
to raise funds for Bentley.
Bentley’s fin has been removed from the statue and given to surgeons at Addenbrooke’s to perform surgery later
this week, with a concrete replacement now standing in Front Court. In remembrance of this appalling event that
even calm and collected Catering & Amenities Officer Robin Lawther described as a ‘meltdown’, there will be a
highly inappropriate whale meat only BBQ next to the statue this Sunday.
6
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| TheBrick | Friday the Konnie Huq of December 2009
| TheBrick | Wednesday 18 October 2006
Friday the 4th of December 2009 | TheBrick | 5
Wednesday 18 October 2006 | TheBrick | 3
Best.‘Binsonion. EVER
Excellence in people since 1979
Konnie Huq
While Cambridge celebrates its 800th anniversary, Robinson eulogizes its 30th. It’s
ten years till our mid life crisis, and we’re still going strong. Over its thirty years of
existence, Robinson has been home to some of the finest minds in Robinson! But
who’s the finest? ...Mind? Vote on the RCSA website! If you actually care.
Jacob Bard-Rosenburg
Best known for her appearance on Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, Konnie also starred in toddler’s
television programe Blue Peter, a role she was
superbly prepared for at Robinson College. Sadly,
some say that since she blew Peter, Konnie’s
career has matched her two letter spoonerism. Oh
Hunnie Koq, don’t sell your soul to the magazine
adverts. You might be the best. ‘Binsonionite.
EVER.
The Robinson college legend lives on, years after
he graduated. Robinson’s favourite large, gay,
Jewish, musical, communist was well known for
many things, but mostly for being a large, gay,
Jewish, musical communist. Fresher’s might not
remember him, but time will!
Marc Quin
The master of juxtaposition,
Marc Quin is best known for
plonking a statue of a disabled, naked, pregnant woman
in the middle of a land mark
commemorating naval warfare. Nelson was missing an
arm himself actually. Maybe
he’s the dad? Vote Quin best
Robinsonite ever!
Robert Webb
Oh Konnie, you carried us gently through
childlood and look we have done to you...
Inarguably the best of the celebrated comedy duo, Mitchell and Webb, Robert made
history, with his celebrated visit to Robinson last year while filming a BBC documentary on poetry. He, of course, completely deleted any trace of Robinson from
the final programme, but was kind enough
to sign a manifesto for R.O.N. while he
was here. What a nice man.
Nick Clegg
(Marc also made a head out
of his own frozen blood...!)
Nick Clegg - Britain’s next Prime
Minister [Best. Joke. Ever.] Nick
Clegg - who fondly reminisces about
his days doing English at Selwyn as
on live T.V. Nick Clegg - who did
Arch and Anth at Robinson College.
Nick Clegg - Nick Clegg - Who was a
member of the young conservatives at
university. Nick Clegg - Best. ‘Binsonian. Ever?
Again... we mean no ‘arm.
Robinson Crusoe
Adventurer, benefactor, racist. The founder of
the college, Robinson Crusoe himself. Finding
society too hard to adjust after his time in accidental exile, Robinson Crusoe founded an institution as criminally disenfranchised and removed
from reality as the desert island he called home
for forty witheringly long years. Employing
Goodman Friday as the first Head Porter and a
large bleached coconut as Warden, Crusoe created a college which specifically catered for ignoble savages. While not officially a student, could
our proud, fictitious benefactor be the best ‘Binsonion ever, or is he just a bedraggled washup?