by the numbers - The Polyphonics

www.glennbeck.com/fusion
Ten seconds? You should consider
yourself lucky; it’s five for most men.
Nevertheless, I’m sure your husband
will have some fun with this month’s
cover. The idea was harmless
enough (what would I look like as a
mother with her daughter in a vintage
illustration?), but I’m sure your sicko
husband will come up with some
twisted comment when he first sees it.
MIND IN THE GUTTER
It just goes to show how a man’s mind
works. When I first looked at the cover
of the March issue of Fusion, I noticed
Glenn was shirtless, but I read the
headlines and saw that the magazine
was about fitness, not gay porn.
However, my husband looked at the
cover and thought: gay porn. When
we got the April issue, the first thing
my husband said was, “Why is Glenn
wearing a human size condom?”
I realized that it is true what they say,
men do think about sex every ten
seconds. I can’t wait to see what my
husband thinks of next month’s issue.
Alaina
NUMEROLOGY
I was wondering why there is no
number 37 listed on the “Buy High, Sell
Low” chart line in the April Issue. Do
you have some racist, hate monger,
discriminatory ideas about including
the number 37 on the line with the
rest of the numbers?
Bridget
You don’t? Not only is 37 the first
irregular prime, the smallest prime
that is not supersingular, the third
unique prime and the fifth lucky
prime, it is ALSO the third Cuban
prime! A communist! Of course we
hate number 37. The real question is
why don’t you.
MILITARY FUSION
As a military member who recently
relocated to Italy, my life was on
stand-still until my Fusion was rerouted. Thank you to the Fusion
staffer who was able to change my
address and get me the April issue.
Your service to this great country of
ours is just as valuable as mine. Thank
you for your continued support.
LT Derek
Lt. Derek, I don’t think my service
will ever even come close to yours,
but thank you for the sentiment.
However, are you sure that it was my
staff that helped you out? I didn’t
think they ever actually worked.
BY THE NUMBERS
7,186
Estimated number of women Stu’s page will
offend this month.
14
Embarrassingly bad “Yo Mama” jokes in this
issue (see page 9).
4
Products featured in our “Unbridled
Consumption” piece (see page 11) that Glenn
bought for “research.”
4
“Research” products Tania demanded be
returned immediately.
1
Really hot Jessica Alba photograph in this
issue.
0
Really awkward, half-naked Glenn Beck
photographs in this issue. We get it, so stop
emailing us about the March cover!
02 FUSION
MAY 2006
Insider Convention Update
The First Annual Glenn Beck National Insiders Convention will take
place in New York City this summer! Insiders, mark your calendars for
the weekend of July 28th – 30th, we want to see you here in New York!
On Saturday July 29, “Inside CNN” tours will be available in the morning to convention attendees at a discounted rate. Saturday afternoon,
Glenn will host a program at the Sheraton New York, which will include
a panel discussion and a meet & greet with Glenn and the staff. The
convention is an event for Insiders only so if you’re not already an Insider, log onto www.GlennBeck.com and sign up now! Details and registration information for the convention will be available online soon.
Fusion Magazine
Volume 1, Number 10
EDITORIAL
Editor-in-Chief
Glenn Beck
Creative DirectorKevin Balfe
Managing EditorLiz Julis
Contributing Editors:
Kevin Balfe, Stu Burguiere, Liz Julis, Doug Powers,
Brian Sack, Eric D. Snider, Sam Boykin, Jason
Wright, Scott Mendenhall, Carol Lynn
Contributing Artists:
Christopher Brady, Scott Mendenhall, Paul Nunn,
Shianily Torres
Layout & Design:
Christopher Brady, Shianily Torres
PUBLISHING
President & COO, PRN
Kraig Kitchin
Chief Operating Officer, MRA
Christopher Balfe
Chief Financial Officer, PRN
Dan Yukelson
Senior Vice President, PRN
Brian Glicklich
The Glenn Beck Program Staff
Welcome!
May is finally here. And before you think to ask “where
the &%$# is the TV show?”
mark your calendars for May
8th. That’s right, we’ve finally
set a date for the premiere
and this time there’s only a
90% chance of it changing!
Speaking of TV, check out
our piece on “Unbridled
Consumption” for some truly
unbelievable things you can
buy with all that extra money
you’ve got lying around. I’m
so fascinated by this topic
that I’ve asked our TV staff
to work up a series of reports
covering everything from kids
to pets to weddings.
If you’re tired of all the TV talk
(I know I am, and this thing
hasn’t even launched yet)
skip over to “Bad Muthas”
where you can read some
truly frightening profiles of a
few of the worst serial killers
the world has ever seen. If
your stomach doesn’t turn
while reading this, then you
really are a sick freak (but
not in the normal endearing
sense).
Speaking of freaks, what’s
with all of the liberal college professors!? When my
daughter Mary began looking at colleges, I immediately
started thinking about all of
the liberal propaganda she’ll
be spoon fed. Questions like,
“Will she come home over
break and put up a Susan Sarandon poster in her room?”
immediately start popping
into my mind.
To make sure her walls remain
covered with pictures of me
instead, we’ve got two great
pieces. First, there’s a list of the
top five most liberal colleges
in the country. If your son or
daughter has their heart set
on one of these schools, life
as you know it has come to
an abrupt end. Second, we
publish a contract, called “A
College Pledge” that I’ve
asked Mary to sign. It lays
out the quid pro quo necessary over the next four years
and I urge all of you parents
with college-age kids to seriously consider using it. I don’t
know how legally binding it is,
but it’s worth a shot.
Dan Andros, Christopher Balfe, Kevin Balfe,
Christopher Brady, Rich Bonn, Stu Burguiere,
John Carney, Adam Clark, Liz Julis, Carolyn Polke,
Sarah Zitzer
© 2006 Mercury
Radio Arts, Inc. All
rights reserved.
Photocopying,
reproduction or
quotation strictly
prohibited without
written permission
from the publishers.
Unsolicited material
cannot be acknowledged or returned.
To order Glenn Beck’s Fusion, visit www.
glennbeck.com/fusion or call 888-GLENNBECK
Finally, I threw in a few ADD
topics just to keep things interesting. One of them is a
great piece about a guy
named David Race Bannon
and you’ve got to read it to
believe it. But if mystery and
intrigue isn’t your thing, we’ve
also got a serious piece
about what being a Mom really means. And, of course,
don’t forget to check out the
back cover, especially if you
were recently arrested for
assaulting someone at a security check point and are in
need of something to blame
it on.
Enjoy!
2006 Summer
Fusion (ISSN 1930-7322) is published monthly
(combined issues in Jan/Feb and July/Aug) ten
times each year by Mercury Radio Arts, Inc. and
Premiere Radio Networks, Inc. 1270 Avenue of the
Americas, 9th Fl, New York, NY 10020. Application
to mail Periodicals postage rates is pending at
New York, NY and additional mailing offices.
POSTMASTER: Send
address changes to
Fusion, 1270 Avenue
of the Americas, 9th
Floor, New York, NY
10020
“Three episodes. You can keep
asking
me if you’d like, but my answer won’t
change. You’ll last three episodes.
Max.”
Tour Schedule
Venue
Date
Columbia, South Carolina
Koger Center
Saturday, June 10th
Pittsburgh, PA
Heinz Hall
Monday, June 12th
Des Moines, Iowa
Civic Center
Tuesday, June 13th
Richmond, Virginia
Landmark Theatre
Wednesday, June 14th
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Verizon Hall
Friday, June 16th
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Scottish Rite Center
Monday, June 19th
Portland, Maine
Merrill Auditorium
Wednesday, June 21st
Orlando, Florida
Hard Rock Cafe
Friday, June 23rd
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Mabee Center
Saturday, July 15th
MAY 2006 FUSION 03
Made for
TV Movie
thought he might prove useful. So Defferre gave Bannon an ultimatum: either
work for him as a snitch, or go back to
jail and serve out the remainder of his
term.
Thus began Bannon’s career with Interpol. He was given an in-depth cover
identity, an apartment in France, and
an assignment working as a low-level
informant.
It wasn’t long before Bannon proved
himself to be an intelligent and capable
agent. His martial arts skills and fluency
in languages like Korean and Japanese
made him extremely valuable. Over
time, Interpol began assigning him to
more and more important and sensitive
cases.
D
old.
avid Race Bannon killed for the
first time when he was just 18 years
He was in South Korea doing missionary
work when he got caught up in Korea’s
deadly Kwangju student riots in 1981.
While helping treat some of the wounded at a Korean school, Bannon was attacked by a rioter.
Big mistake.
Using his martial arts training, Bannon
snapped his attacker’s neck, killing him
instantly. But other rioters soon joined in
and Bannon was badly wounded. He
spent nearly a month recuperating in
the Chonju Presbyterian Hospital.
Bannon’s experiences during the riots
left him confused and disillusioned. Instead of returning to missionary life, he
fell in with a group of smugglers. It was
mostly innocuous contraband -- liquor,
magazines, candy – but eventually, the
police caught up and threw him into
Korea’s infamous Taejon Prison.
A few months into his sentence, Bannon was mysteriously released. As he
walked through the front gates of Taejon, he noticed a waiting car. Inside
was Commissaire Jacques Defferre
from Interpol’s national headquarters in
Lyon, France.
Defferre had heard about Bannon’s
bravery during the Kwangju riots and
04 FUSION
MAY 2006
His success continued and Archangel,
a secret branch of Interpol designed to
hunt those who traffic in child pornography, took notice. Archangel sent him to
Lyon, France, where he underwent an
intensive training regimen specializing
in unarmed combat and assassination
techniques. The training also involved
exposure to horrific images of child pornography, rape and torture to encourage his sense of outrage and hatred
towards the people he would be sent
to exterminate.
After three months of this extreme physical and mental training, Bannon was
sent to Romania for his first assignment.
There, in a darkened back alley, Bannon killed his target and an accomplice
as they were in the midst of bartering
over a young kidnapped girl.
Archangel continued to send Bannon
on investigations and “cleaning assignments” all over the world. During
the mid-80s, while investigating a North
Korean terrorist, Bannon was captured
outside a South Korean national security agency and taken back to Korea’s
Taejon Prison, where he was tortured
and forced to witness unspeakable horrors, such as people being tossed alive
into furnaces.
After three days, Bannon was returned
to Interpol officials in what he calls a
“classic spy swap.” Once there, he
continued to work as an operative for
Interpol for the next 10 years, investigating several high profile cases.
In 1998, Bannon was battling pedophiles
back in the United States. One incident,
which he later recounted in the final
chapter of his book, Race Against Evil,
gives you a sense of the kind of situations he was routinely exposed to.
It happened in Florida during a sting
operation on a child pornography ring.
At the bust, Bannon, along with local
sheriff deputies, interrupted the filming
of a video involving an 8-year-old girl.
Bannon killed two of the suspects while
deputies shot two others.
“ I saw shock, mostly,
and terror, and a deadness that chilled me.”
He wrote afterwards, “I stared at the
young girl, only eight, as she lay spreadeagled and naked on the bed. Her eyes
locked on mine. I saw shock, mostly, and
terror, and a deadness that chilled me.
Someone switched off the music. I took
a clean blanket from the closet, covered her and sat beside her. She stared.
I said the first thing that came to mind.
‘It’s OK. Your daddy sent me.’”
By 1999 he’d had enough. Bannon left
Interpol, and tried, as best he could, to
return to mainstream society.
He spent a couple of years living in Charlotte, North Carolina and working on his
book, Race Against Evil, which detailed
his incredible experiences as an international spy and assassin. The release of
the book in 2003 caused a public spectacle and garnered Bannon quite a bit
of media attention. He went on book
signing tours, speaking engagements,
talk radio shows, was profiled in dozens
of newspaper articles and was featured
in the Discovery Channel documentary
Secrets of the Warriors Power. It was, after all, an incredible, irresistible story -- a
James Bond movie in real life.
There was just one small problem. It
was all a lie.
In 2003, Fusion writer Sam Boykin interviewed Bannon for a local newspaper story. According to Boykin,
Bannon seemed bright and affable
and produced reams of documents,
including many detailing Interpol’s
programs targeting child pornographers. Bannon’s publisher, New Horizon Press, also provided documents,
including what they alleged to be
Korean bank statements showing
money given to Bannon by Interpol.
Everything seemed in order, but
Boykin thought he smelled a skunk.
All Bannon really had to back up
his story was a pile of rather oblique
documents, the best of which offered nothing but circumstantial evidence.
Leery of the story, Boykin contacted
Interpol and was told that they had
“no record of David Race Bannon
having been employed,” and that
his claims “can only be seen as deceptive and irresponsible fantasy.”
Bannon, when told of Interpol’s comments, replied that the clandestine
nature of his assignments required Interpol to, “claim no knowledge (of)
him.” Boykin wrote his newspaper
story and concluded that Bannon
was unable to produce a single document or piece of evidence to prove
his claims. Yet, at the same time, no
one had produced a “smoking gun”
to disprove his story.
Bannon kept a low profile for awhile
but apparently was unable to stay
out of the spotlight for long. Over the
years he continued doing speaking
engagements and radio and newspaper interviews, passing himself
off as an expert in the field of child
sex trafficking who had hunted and
killed sex traffickers. But his luck was
about to run out.
In late 2004, Bannon traveled to Boulder, Colorado to speak at Colorado
University and do an interview for a
documentary about child sex trafficking. The event went well, and Bannon,
figuring he’d strike while the iron was
hot, contacted the Colorado Bureau
of Investigations (CBI) about conducting a two-day workshop based
on his Interpol experiences —- for a
fee of just $3,000 plus expenses.
Unbeknownst to Bannon, Interpol
officials had contacted CBI in early
2005 and had alerted them to the
fact that Bannon was a fraud. CBI
officials orchestrated a meeting with
Bannon at a popular Boulder sushi
restaurant under the auspices of discussing his proposed workshop. Instead, on January 27, 2006, when he
arrived with a female companion,
CBI agents busted the 42-year-old
Bannon. Agents described Bannon
as “dumbfounded” when he was
taken into custody.
Bannon, who has no criminal history,
made his most recent appearance
in district court on February 28, 2006.
As of press time, Bannon, who bonded out of jail the same day he was
arrested, has not been proved guilty
of anything.
“...a father who
wanted to be a comic
book hero.”
But the allegations against him continue to stack up and are becoming increasingly bizarre. He’s been
charged with criminal impersonation, computer crime and criminal
attempt to commit theft. Moreover,
Bannon’s ex-wife told investigators
that he is a “habitual liar” and obsessed with comic books. In 1990
he changed his name from David
Wayne Dilley to David Race Bannon in honor of a character in the
short-lived animated television series
Johnny Quest.
In the end, it appears that this whole
sad, sordid tale stems from the fantasies of a middle-aged husband and
father who wanted to be a comic
book hero so badly that he changed
his name to one and tried to enact
the resume of a crime fighter.
Bannon, who for so many years doggedly pursued publicity and the media spotlight, has slipped back into
anonymity. He won’t return calls to
the media or his publishing company, which has postponed plans to
release his book in paperback until
this is resolved.
All of the charges levied at Bannon
are felonies. Unfortunately, if convicted, Bannon will probably finally
fulfill one of the fantasies he’s spent
so much time conjuring up: seeing
the inside of a real prison.
Fraud
Think David Race Bannon is
the biggest fraud around?
Think again.
For five years, Frank Abagnale
Jr., the con artist portrayed in
the movie Catch Me if You Can,
assumed over eight different
identities. He fooled the world
into thinking that he was a Pan
Am airline pilot, a pediatrician
in Georgia and a Harvard
trained lawyer. But his greatest
accomplishment was his ability to
finance all of his “occupations”
through years of bank fraud.
Abagnale cashed checks in 26
countries worth an estimated $2.5
million.
Bernard “Bernie” Cornfeld made
his fortune selling fraudulant
investments in U.S. mutal funds.
In the 1960’s, Cornfeld formed
Investors Overseas Services (ISO)
which sold mutual funds door-todoor to expatriots living in Europe.
In ten years, he sold over $2.5
billion worth of investments. As
the European market became
weaker, Cornfeld began to lose
money and asked an employee,
Robert Vesco, for help. In the
mother of all ironies, it was Cornfeld
himself who was swindled out of
$500 million by Vesco, who then
fled to the Bahamas.
Tino De Angelis, owner of Allied
Crude Vegetable Oil Refining
Corporation,
bought
and
sold vegtable oil to numerous
international traders in the 1960’s.
His scam was to fill the large oil
tanks primarily with water, along
with a very small percentage of
oil that he layed on top of the
water. With profit margins near
100 percent, it’s reported that he
made over $175 million dollars in
just one year of “business.”
MAY 2006 FUSION 05
JAVED IQBA
L
ACY
JOHN WAYNE G
”
“Killer Clown,
Known as the
ed 33
er
rd
mu
d
an
Gacy raped
in
n, ranging
boys and me
20, between
to
9
om
fr
zen by day
age
. Model citi t, Gacy would
gh
1972 and 1978
ni
n to
murderer by
and freaky
sed as a clow
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dr
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ki
’d
lure
ng, he
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balloon anim
ll
ki
rape and
crawl
child, then
ried in the
discovered bu
while
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re
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rown
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ly
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was put to
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interesting
EDMUND KEMPER III
Known as the “Co-ed Kil
ler,”
Kemper began his life of
crime
at the early age of 14.
Angry
with his mother for
leaving
him with her parents as
she went on
her second honeymoon, he
sought revenge and shot
his grandparents to death.
When asked about the
shooting he said “…just wan
ted to see what it felt
like to kill Grandma and
Grandpa.”
In the 1970’s, after
being released from an
institution, he moved in
with his mother who had
begun working on a universit
y campus in California.
Having a campus pass, Kem
per began killing young
women and hitchhikers aro
und the school.
A few years later, you pro
bably guessed it, Kemper
killed his own mother and
her best friend. Want
to know how he did it?
OK, but read on at your
own risk. Seriously. I’m
warning you, this isn’t
pretty.
Kemper went to his mother
’s house and beat her to
death with a hammer as she
slept. Then he did the
next logical thing by dec
apitating her, cutting
out her vocal cords, put
ting them in the garbage
disposal and using her hea
d as a dart board. After
the game of darts (he won
), he called a friend
of his mother over and
strangled her to death.
Seeminly satisfied with his
murderous rampage he
called the police and con
fessed to the killings.
On November 8, 1973, Kem
per was found guilty of
eight counts of first-degr
ee murder and sentenced
to life in prison.
Convicted
in 2000 fo
r the
murder, ra
pe and tort
ur
over 100 Pa
kistani chil e of
dren,
Iqbal
was
sentenced
death by
to
the religi
ous court
Pakistan.
of
Luckily, th
was quite
e judge on
possibly th
the histor
e greatest the case
y of just
judge in
ic
Iqbal shou
He decided
ld have to e.
that
undergo th
that he ha
e same fate
d put his
victims th
included:
roug
a) Strangul
victims’ fa
ation in fr h, which
milies; b)
ont
body c) Di
Di
smembermen of his
ssolving of
t
vat of acid
his body pa of his
.
rts in a
Unfortunat
ely, this
horrific de
too much
ath was a
for Iqbal
bit
to bear,
matters in
so he took
to his ow
n hands.
was found
In 2001 he
de
apparent su ad in his prison ce
ll from an
icide. Aw
whole eyeww, c’mon
for-an-eye
Iqbal, the
th
fun, but no
ing was go
oo
ing to be
it. Thanks oooooo, you had to
go and ruin
for nothin
g.
DR.H.H. HOLMES
In the late 1800’s Holmes
moved to Chicago and took over
a successful pharmaceutical
business by defrauding the
owner. After saving money he
began to build an enormous, block
long “castle” across the street.
It was
complete with fake walls, hidden entrances,
over 100 windowless, sound-proof, escape-proof
rooms, lime and acid vats, gas chambers and, of
course, a torture tower. Holmes used multiple
builders throughout the project so that no one
person could ever ascertain what was really
being constructed.
In 1893, with tourists flocking to Chicago for
the World’s Fair, Holmes opened his castle
under the guise of a hotel.
Unfortunately,
not many people would be checking out. Most
of his female lodgers were tortured and killed
(gas could be pumped into any room to render
a victim unconscious) and then dumped down a
shaft to his basement, where they could be
dismembered or cremated.
After the fair was over, and still needing to
satisfy his sick cravings, Holmes continued
killing while traveling across the country. In
1895, shortly after his arrest, his “castle”
burned down, revealing the horror show inside.
Apparently, things moved a lot faster through
the court system in those days because he
was hanged to death just one year later.
Thankfully, the guy who put the noose around
his neck messed up and it took Dr. Death quite
a bit of time to finally suffocate to death.
You know how sometimes when you’re cutting the head off your sister’s Barbie Doll, you have
that one second of fear that you might turn into a serial killer? Well, we want to put your mind
at ease so we’ve developed a quick quiz that will tell you your odds of committing multiple
horrific murders. Rest assured, this is 100% scientific. Answers on page 7.
Are you a Caucasian male?
Are you between the ages of 20
and 30?
06 FUSION
MAY 2006
____ yes
____ yes
____ NO
Have you ever had nightmares?
____ yes
____ NO
____ NO
Have you ever told a lie?
____ yes
____ NO
Do you have an IQ higher than 120?
____ yes
____ NO
Overheard in a doctor’s office
near you:
Kids going off to college?
Here are just a few of the
differences on how you’ll each
be spending your time:
“Good morning, sorry to keep you
waiting. So you say your breasts are
swelling? And it says here you’re
more emotional than usual. And
look at this; your chart indicates
some recent weight gain.”
While our children are
marching in protest
against the evils of a
capitalistic society…
We are working two jobs,
taking out a second mortgage on our home, and
wishing we lived in a socialist society.
While our children discover
the
relaxing
power of marijuana…
We are discovering the relaxing power of our nightly
drug cocktail: Prozac, Ambien and Paxil.
While our children are
wishing we wouldn’t
call them so much…
We are wondering why
they haven’t answered
their cell phone, pager, fax,
text message, email, instant
message or carrier pigeongram for the last half hour.
While our kids dine on
cold pizza, Ramen noodles, Hot Pockets, and
Red Bull…
We admonish them for not
eating healthy, then curse
as our fat a&#es have
grown another two inches
in the last month.
While our kids are being
taught left-wing propaganda in class…
We sit home wondering
why, if they’re so liberalminded, they don’t go find
some government handout to pay these ridiculous
tuition bills.
While our kids are enjoying nickel night Mondays, no-bra Tuesdays,
and ice-luge Wednesdays…
“Yeah, I know, it came out
of nowhere; I’ve always
been so healthy. Well what
is it doc? Too much beer?
Depression? Cancer? Or
worse, am I pregnant?”
“No fatty, but your wife
is.”
Sound a bit like
Homer Simpson chatting
with his family
doctor, Julius
Hibbert, while
throwing back
a Duff and
chomping on
some
Nuts-NGum? Not hardly. While it sounds like
research Dr. Nick
Rivera conducted,
Joe is experiencing
what many men
find during the
pregnancies
of
their better halves;
pregnancy affects
men and women in surprisingly
similar ways (with
the minor exception of the actual
childbirth).
(GB
Disclaimer:
Men, do not, under
any circumstances,
suggest to your wife
that her pregnancy
is equally as difficult
on you. Glenn Beck,
Inc. and Fusion Magazine
cannot be held liable for
anything she may do, which
may include, but is not limited
to: withholding sexual intimacy,
screaming,
using
profanity,
throwing kitchen appliances or
using sharp knives in painful ways
that cannot be adequately described in print. It would be safer
to show up at a rap video set
and try to educate Mr. Kracka
Killa on the positives of slavery.
Please consult a self-defense
instructor before initiating any
conversation that begins with,
“You know, honey, this is just as
hard on me...”)
The term “couvades” means
Other more in depth investigations reveal that
men also experience significant hormonal
changes including much higher testosterone
levels during the last few weeks before the baby’s arrival and an increase in estrogen levels.
That’s medical parlance for, “Hallmark commercials suddenly make dad cry like a threeyear old with pink eye,” also known as “Glenn
Beck Syndrome.”
Perhaps most surprising of all is that a scientific
survey conducted right here among the staff
at Fusion found that, for most women, the desire for sexual relations decreases sharply during
pregnancy, particularly during the third trimester. And this, believe it or not, can cause depression and anxiety for their partners.
Come on, we needed a study for that?! That
data has been available since Adam chased
Eve around the woods while she was pregnant
with Cain. You don’t need to be a scientist
or human behavioral specialist to know most
women feel a bit less frisky while throwing up
into the sink or crying because their feet disappeared.
Somewhere, some guy is reading this and giving thanks that he’s not alone. Suffering couvades for the woman of your dreams is nothing
for you to be ashamed of…it’s something for
your wife to be ashamed of. But that’s after the
actual birth. For now, you’re sending a message to the world that says loud and clear, “I’m
letting myself go for the good of my wife and
baby, so back off!”
If you can relate to this, live in shame no longer. Talk to your partner, tell her you’re feeling
down, or that sometimes you want New York
Super Fudge Chunk at 3:00 a.m. Ask her if your
butt looks big in your favorite slacks. More than
anything, believe the experts that insist couples
who talk more, love more. Remember, you’ll
need that open line of communication later
to explain to her why it’s okay that she lost the
baby weight and you’re still in “male-ternity”
wear.
So stop worrying, buy a Kramer autographed
“Bro” online and just roll with it, the baby will
be here soon enough. And while your moobs
might last a few weeks or months…or decades,
being a dad lasts forever. Now go have some
more Doritos, fatty.
Unless you enjoy killing small animals
for fun (we didn’t ask about that), you’re probably
in the clear.
3 or less questions
You should seek professional counseling as you
very well may be a killer. Especially if you are
a white male who has lied before and has nightmares as most serial killers fit that exact profile.
4 questions
We wish we were.
“sympathetic pregnancy,” (or, more accurately translated, it means “excuse”) and though it
sounds like a funny word dreamt up by the author of It Takes a Village, it’s actually a very real
condition that affects many men, or at least
that’s what a lot of male doctors told us. Studies, however, indicate that expectant fathers
often experience symptoms that are anything
but funny. Some suffer from nausea, constipation and even hemorrhoids. Other almost-dads
exhibit painful facial expressions during labor,
even pushing right alongside mom. (So I was
wrong, all of those are actually pretty funny.)
Killer Quiz Answer Key
If you answered “yes” to:
Time Well Spent
MAY 2006 FUSION 07
No doubt about it, you’re a cold-blooded serial
killer whose sadistic tendencies and warped
sense of reality are masked by your unassuming
look and demeanor.
5 questions
Beware: Liberal College straight ahead
If your spoiled kid is getting ready to head off to college this fall then you’re probably crapping your pants, just
like I am. Sure, they might learn something useful, like how to win at beer pong or what’s really in chicken pot
pie, but what if all they learn instead is that Bush went to war for oil and because his daddy asked him to?
Man, that’s scary! You send your innocent little child off into the big-bad world, only to have some tenured
quack use their art history degree to teach your kid about the evils of the United States. Don’t think it’ll happen? Think again. These five colleges will have your kid day-tripping to Florida for a ballot recount in no time.
5
Warren
Wilson
College
We were going to
write a summary about
Warren but then we
found this description
printed in The Princeton
Review and figured we
could save ourselves
thirty seconds of work.
“Politically, Warren
Wilson ‘consists of
various facets of the left
wing: the Democrats,
the Greens, and
the anarchists. No
Republican has ever
set foot on this campus.
Ever. If they did, they’d
probably be pelted to
death with hand-rolled
cigarette butts.’”
Wow, sign me up! One
other interesting fact
is that Warren Wilson
College is one of just a
handful of U.S. colleges
that requires its students
to work for them during
their time at the school.
Hmmmm, what kind of
system teaches that
everyone should work
for the common good
instead of individual
profit. Oh, that’s right,
it’s socialism!
4
Hampshire
College
Known for all
things granola,
tree hugging
and vegetarian,
Hampshire College
is an all-you-caneat-buffet of
left-wing ideology.
One of the more
entertaining facts
about Hampshire
is their annual
Yellow Pig Day
celebration. What,
you’ve never
heard of Yellow
Pig Day? Well, my
friend, then you
apparently did not
attend a school
that’s just left of
Marx. I’m not even
going to waste the
space here telling
you what goes
on at this glorious
celebration; if you
really care you can
Google it.
3
New
College of
Florida
What sets this school apart
from most is its use of
“narrative evaluations.”
Narrative evaluations are
a supplement to grading
because, c’mon, everyone
knows that a letter grade
alone isn’t nearly sufficient
enough to tell you how you’ve
really performed. Right?
With narrative evaluations,
traditional letter scores are
replaced by heart warming
pep talks detailing what each
student needs to improve on.
Awwwww, that’s so cute.
Here’s my narrative evaluation
of this idea: “Hello New
College of Florida, thanks for
trying so hard and everything
but this is quite possibly the
most idiotic idea I’ve ever
heard. Your school should be
shut down immediately and
all former students should be
made to go back and attend
a real college that uses real
grades.”
RIEN
CONAN O’B
l world
in the rea
MAY 2006
With notable alumni like
Woody Allen and Mia
Farrow’s son, Ronan Seamus
Farrow, who would be
surprised that this school is
the epitome of the PC liberal left? Lots of great
Hollywood actorvists-in-training attend this school,
but since it costs over $41,000 a year, most just end
up active on a Hollywood street corner instead.
1 Mills College
According to The Princeton Review “…if you
aren’t a leftist-socialist-Nader voter…you are often
dismissed as someone of no consequence…”
Well, I can certainly understand why Nader is so
relevant, I mean he’s won all of those elections,
right? Wait – he hasn’t won any elections yet?
Maybe he should run to be President of Mills. Nah,
he’d probably still lose.
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On living
08 FUSION
2
Bard
College
Predictive
Obituary
Yo MAma
died last week
“Yo Mama” died last week in what medical examiners say was a case of being so
dumb that she exhaled and then forgot
what came next. Doctors added that
Yo Mama was so fat that she reportedly
had to go to Sea World to get baptized,
which may have been a factor as well.
“Yo Mama suffered from a variety of
health problems,” said Dr. Philip Stone,
one of the attending physicians, “not
the least of which was being so old that
she left her purse on Noah’s Ark. But we
believe it was Yo Mama’s stupidity (she
thought that a quarterback was a tax refund) that ultimately led to her demise.”
achieve some measure of fame since Yo
Mama was so short that she modeled for
trophies, and she was so bald that you
could see what was on her mind.
“We will always remember Yo Mama’s
contributions to society,” said Rev. Matthew Schultz, the pastor at her church.
“She was so dumb she once sold her car
for gas money, but she always made us
smile. You just didn’t want her smiling
back, because Yo Mama had so many
teeth missing, it looked like her tongue
was in jail.”
Yo Mama had seven children, each of
whom tried to crawl back inside the
womb upon seeing her face, which was
said to be so ugly she could trick-or-treat
over the telephone. She was a devoted
mother, but was plagued by obesity,
being so fat, say doctors, that when
she walked across the room, the radio
skipped.
The child of humble Italian immigrants,
Yo Mama was so ugly that when she
was born, the doctor slapped her mother. She lived a life of poverty and was
reportedly so poor that when neighbors
saw her kicking a can down the street
one day and asked what she was doing,
she replied, “Moving.”
The death of Yo Mama, who was so nasty
that she had to sneak up on the shower,
also brings an end to the “Yo Mama is”
line of novelty jokes that gained fame in
the 1980’s. Although the jokes enjoyed
a brief period of notoriety, they lived in
obscurity throughout most of the 21st
century, earning income primarily on the
Internet, in juvenile comedy magazines,
and in really, really bad amateur comedy hours.
Nonetheless, Yo Mama maintained a
cheerful disposition throughout her childhood. Early on, she even managed to
At the funeral, Pastor Schultz eulogized
both Yo Mama and the line of “Yo Mama
is” jokes, at one point having to pause as
Yo Yo Ma, 55, died yesterday when the-- Wait, what
was that? We’re not predicting the death of Yo Yo
Ma? It’s Yo Mama? And those are different people? OK, well Yo Mama looks like an Asian cellist.
his emotions appeared to get the best
of him. “Yo Mama was a good person,
a modern day saint,” he said. “She only
wanted to help people; she was just that
type of person. In fact, Yo Mama was so
kind that she would give you the hair off
her back.”
Yo Mama is survived by Yo Daddy, who
immediately began dating Paris Hilton.
“It’s such a relief to finally be dating a
smart, thin, pretty, motivated, tall girl
with a full head of hair and a full set of
teeth. I don’t know if you heard, but my
former wife was SO fat --” he started saying before being reminded that the line
of jokes had been put to rest.
Thankfully, the “Yo Mama is” line of jokes
is not survived by anything.
MAY 2006 FUSION 09
Unbridled Consumption
Do your spoiled brat kids bug you all day
and night to buy them more stuff? If so,
you need to get them out of the house.
But since you don’t want them mixing with
the neighborhood riff-raff, you’ll need to
buy the Fort Bethesda, a state of the art
“play structure.” For about $49,000 (add
20% for installation) your kids can enjoy the
climbing wall, fire pole, tube slide, tower
and bridges all while you sit inside quietly
contemplating how you just spent twice
the U.S. per capita income on a glorified
jungle gym.
Sometimes it doesn’t insult the homeless
enough to simply light your money on fire in
front of them. When you reach that point,
consider blowing your cash on a Ferrari
Testarossa go-cart. It’s got leather seating,
a CD player, and can cruise the driveway
at 15 mph. One side note: This car is only
for kids aged six and up so you’ll have to
find some other ridiculous product to blow
your money on for the first five years of their
lives.
What do you do if you’re rich and have
some very weird sexual fetishes that you
just haven’t been able to act out on?
You buy your kid a $300,000 3D Motion
Simulator, of course. This space age
“toy” simulates roller coaster rides, trips
to the moon, high-speed car races, and
probably a lot of other things if you use
your imagination. If you can’t afford to
buy the machine just yet, FAO Schwarz will
sell you a single ride for just $5 at their New
York store. But no funny business in there
mister, it’s a public place.
communications system is only available
in the trailer park model).
Two words: Pet Estate
If you refer to your dog’s water and food
bowl as “dinnerware” then not only do
you have a lot of excess cash, but you
also might be mentally ill. Look, we get
that you love your dog and all that, but do
you think they really know the difference
between a used plastic bowl and a $380
Mosaic Doggie Dish? (If you answered
“yes,” stop reading this and seek help
immediately.)
Stop being so damn selfish about your own
home and start thinking about your pets,
you selfish bastard. Do you think they really
want to live on the floor of your crappy
mansion? Obviously not, they need a
place of their own. The Swiss Chalet pet
estate (approximately $8,000) is a two dog
sanctuary complete with luxurious window
treatments, beautiful marble floors, lavish
rugs and elegant furnishings. You can
also custom design it to include running
water, cable, electricity, central air, and a
wireless communications systems (a wired
You’ve already spent thousands of dollars
on a purebred dog that you would gladly
take a bullet for. Are you really supposed
to let it walk around on the end of leash like
some disgusting animal? Thankfully, the
good people at Louise Vuiton have come
up with a workable solution: you give
them $1,570 and they give you the Sac
Chien 50 pet-carrier-bag-thingy. If that
sounds like a lot of money to you, go pop
open a Pabst Blue Ribbon in your doublewide and think about it, cheapskate.
Maybe you’ve spent your money on every
possible thing you can think of. Your home
is amazing and you’ve already bought
Fort Bethesda, the Ferrari go-cart and the
3D simulator to satisfy your weird fetish.
You need a plan to blow more cash, and
you need it quick.
WILL FARRELL
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what, Jamie? You’re fire
MAY 2006 FUSION 11
MOMisms
We’re all familiar with the Leave
it to Beaver momisms.
Those timeless
sayings June would
declare to the
Beave when a
lesson was to
be learned. But
have you ever
wondered what
the modern liberal
translation would be?
We didn’t either, until
we stopped at a PETA
bake sale on the way
to CNN. What…pie
is pie no matter
who makes
it. Here are
some sayings we
overheard while
waiting in line
for the pecan
rolls.
Civil
War II
W
hen we dedicated our January/February 2006 issue of Fusion to immigration,
I didn’t realize just how prescient it would
be. In the “Welcome” that month, I wrote,
“I chose ‘Barely Illegal’ as the theme for the
first issue of the year because I believe that
border security and illegal immigration are
finally going to break into the national spotlight in the coming months.”
Wow. Just a couple of months later, illegal
immigration has virtually taken over the national debate.
To most Americans, the problem is serious,
and the options to resolve it range from
amnesty to deportation to felony arrests,
and everything in between. But to some
Mexicans, there is only one option: evict
Americans from the land that is rightfully
theirs.
The Mexican-American War (did you know
that war even happened?) officially ended
in 1848, but, unofficially, the war still rages
12 FUSION
MAY 2006
What We
The Modern
Grew Up With Liberal Version
Don’t make me come in
there!
Don’t make me petition
Child Services for a courtordered warrant to come
in there!
Eat your vegetables…
think of all those poor
starving children in
India.
Eat your vegetables…
think of all those poor
starving children in New
Orleans that George Bush
abandoned.
Do you think I’m made
of money or something?
Do you think I’m a government entitlement program
or something?
There’s enough dirt behind those ears to grow
potatoes!
There’s enough dirt behind
those ears to grow ‘medicinal’ marijuana!
Go ask your father.
Go ask my life partner.
If all your friends were
jumping off a bridge,
would you want to jump
off, too?
If all your friends were
jumping off a bridge, I’d
want you to refuse to join
them -- but I believe in
your right to choose.
in the hearts and minds of many Mexicans.
Looking back, Mexicans think they got a
raw deal when they were paid $15 million
for what is now Texas, Arizona, western Colorado, California, Nevada, New Mexico,
and Utah. They may have a case since $15
million in today’s dollars is about $297 million, or approximately the same value at
the Colorado Rockies baseball
team. But hey, a deal is a deal.
To those Mexicans, this was a
historical wrong that can still
be corrected. They call it “Reconquista” and it has already
begun.
In a 2001 WorldNetDaily article, author Elena Poniatowska said, “Mexico is recovering
territory yielded to the United
States by means of migratory
tactics.” That, unfortunately,
is a view shared by a rising, and
vocal, number of Mexicans.
You’ve probably seen the signs during immigration protests that say things like “If
you think I’m ‘Illegal’ because I’m Mexican, learn the true history, because it’s my
HOMELAND,” “We are Indigenous! The
ONLY Owners of this Continent,” and “This
is Stolen Land!”
To the Reconquista crowd, the scores of
Mexicans who have come into the U.S. il-
legally are simply warriors in the battle. Get
enough of them into the country and, at
some point in the future, they can rise up.
But to do that, the Reconquista idea has
to be shared by a large number of Mexicans. So, is it? Well, a 2002 Zogby International poll of Mexican adults may shed
some insight. In it, Zogby asked if people
agreed or disagreed with the
statement “The territory of the
United States’ southwest rightfully belongs to Mexico.”
How many do you think agreed?
10%? 20%? How about 58%.
58% of the random sample thinks
that, for all intents and purposes,
the U.S. stole their land. That’s a
lot of angry Mexicans.
As time goes on, and more and
more Mexicans continue their migration (both legally and illegally)
into the United States, the odds of a coordinated insurrection become greater. But
whether it ultimately happens depends a lot
on how serious we are willing to get about
border security. Are the American people
willing to consider that illegal immigration
may, to Mexicans, be about a lot more
than just jobs and healthcare? To many of
them, it may also be about what hundreds
of wars have been fought over and millions
of people have died over: land.
Inappropriate Books
for Your Kids
Your child brings home a book, perhaps
with a seemingly innocuous title like
Jane Plays Duck Duck Goose. At first,
you’re just happy she’s actually going
to read something. But then you begin
to wonder: what’s that book about,
anyway?
Apparently authors and publishing
companies are finding out that sex sells
to kids just as well as it does to adults.
But, unlike movies, television shows and
video games, there are no handy ratings
on books to let parents know just how
graphic the content is.
Fusion went undercover to Barnes &
Noble and bought several books that
we heard might be inappropriate for
children. Although Fusion staffers had a
hard time explaining exactly why they
had to be undercover to purchase these
books, they did seem to have a good
time reviewing them.
Here are a few plot summaries of the
books we reviewed. If your kid brings
any of these home for summer reading,
you should confiscate them immediately
for your personal collection.
Rainbow Party
by Paul Ruditis
Publishers Weekly begins its review as
follows:
“Promiscuous
sophomore Gin
is throwing a
Rainbow Party, at
which girls ‘put on
a different color
lipstick, and the
guys all drop their
pants.’ In theory,
after the girls
perform oral sex
on the boys, they
would be left with
rainbows around
their penises.”
Go to the end of this rainbow and you’ll
likely find a pot of gonorrhea, syphilis, or
worse. In this day and age most teens
polled don’t think oral sex is really sex, but
most of them did giggle when they heard
the word “polled.” This is particularly
troubling.
“Generation Clinton” is coming to fruition
and it’s going to be a generation rife with
STD’s and multi-colored private parts.
There are some days when you hear that
the illiteracy rate among kids is on the rise
and you think to yourself, “at least they
won’t be able to read this crap.”
cool; (2) Parents and curfews are really
pretty outdated and unnecessary; and (3)
Giving your kids an unlimited credit card is
mandatory.
The Virginity Club
Look, anybody who’s ever been to the
Hamptons will tell you that these people
often get what they deserve, and
that usually includes getting ripped on
Cosmopolitans and knocked up by Martha
Stewart’s pool boy. But are these really
stories for kids in their early teens?
by Kate Brian
Those of us who
were nerdy teenage
boys in high school
were all forced
into Gold Card
membership in this
club, but, of course,
lied about it to our
friends. “The first rule
of Virginity Club is
don’t tell anyone
about Virginity
Club.” Things are
different in this book,
designed, of course,
for reading by
teenage girls.
In The Virginity Club, Mandy, Kai, Debbie,
and Eva want to win a particular
scholarship that would serve as a free
pass to the college of their choice. One
requirement for the scholarship is “purity
of soul and body.” The cover of the
book says it all: “They just can’t wait till
graduation.”
The Virginity Club may feature some girls
falling “off the wagon” and perhaps
blowing more than just a scholarship, but
at least there is one positive message to
teens: If you don’t abstain from sex to
avoid getting AIDS, herpes, or pregnant,
at least do it to get into an ivy league
school.
A lot of states are now considering legislation
that would require libraries to create
a separate section for titles like these.
Although children would still have unfettered
access, it would be a bit like walking through
the black curtain in the back of a video store
--not that I’ve ever done that personally,
but I can imagine what it would be like.
Anyway, it’s an idea that makes too much
sense for it to actually ever happen so for
now I’ll have to keep looking behind my
daughters’ magazine façade to see what
they’re really reading.
Chortle
Quarterly
for the wealthiest one percent
Skinny Dipping
by Melissa de la Cruz
From School Book Journal: “Eliza, Mara,
and Jacqui return
for a second season
of high fashion,
fabulous parties, and
unlimited alcohol,
sex, and celebrities in
New York’s exclusive
Hamptons.”
Sounds like the only
things missing are
Billy Joel and Lizzie
Grubman crashing
the party...literally.
In Skinny Dipping,
the plot, as usual, is as empty as Paris
Hilton’s CAT scan. Whenever in doubt,
modern day teen books seem to rely
on these three simple rules: (1) Statutory
rape is not only legal, it’s actually pretty
“Eat your broccoli, Raymond. Think
of the thousands of poor, starving
people whose jobs your father has
outsourced to China.”
MAY 2006 FUSION 13
Un-Mother’s Day
By Stu Burguiere
years and nine months of
“hassle”, they’ll certainly fire
up that Prius and take their
48 miles per gallon across the
Nevada border.
A
bortion has nothing
to do with women’s
rights. I don’t say that
to make a point on how the issue is too wrapped up in politics, I mean it literally. There is
no link between them, in any
way, whatsoever. They have
as much to do with each
other as Genghis Khan and
Go-gurt®.
It’s amazing how an issue
such as this can transform
from one simple question into
such a tangled nest of knots
and snags that it looks like
Barbra Streisand’s hair on a
humid July afternoon.
Bills are flying through in conservative states placing abortion somewhere in between
jaywalking and homicide, all
with the goal of a Supreme
Court challenge to Roe Vs
Wade. First of all, no matter
what side of the argument
you’re on, this shouldn’t get
you too excited. If it is overturned, it won’t make abortion illegal. It will just throw it
back to the states.
If you’re pro-choice, don’t
worry, the Aborto-mat will still
be open in Massachusetts
next to the Gay Marriage
Depot. If you’re pro-life, the
Abort-o-Mat might close in
Utah, but you can be sure
those who really want an
abortion will find it. If their
goal is to eliminate eighteen
14 FUSION
MAY 2006
There is so much mistrust between the two sides, neither
is listening to the other. Prochoicers are convinced prolifers just want to force their
religion on them by surgically
implanting Bibles directly into
each and every uterus. Pro-lifers believe pro-choicers want
every twelve year old girl to
have at least three abortions
before the age of 16, even if
they’re not pregnant.
So let’s bring the world together.
HYPOTHETICAL FOR
PRO-LIFERS ONLY
God comes down through
the clouds and says in a giant
billowing voice “Hey everybody! I am Gooooddddddd.
I appreciate what you’re
trying to do, but honestly--a baby isn’t a baby until it’s
born, period. Got it? So, no
more bloody fetuses painted
on your vans--- aiiiiiiight? Not
only is it unnecessary, it’s killing your resale value.”
So the question to Pro-lifers
is: If you suddenly KNEW that
a fetus was NOT life, would
you care if a woman had an
abortion? Of course not! If a
fetus is just random tissue or a
growth, why would you care
if someone wanted to have it
removed?
HYPOTHETICAL FOR
PRO-CHOICERS ONLY
If God or whoever your God
is (Alec Baldwin maybe?)tells
you “Hey pro-choicers, I know
you mean well and are just
trying to make sure women
can keep the US out of their
uterus (or whatever the bum-
per sticker says), but we just
found out that a fetus definitely IS life. Sorry about that
misunderstanding. Abortion is
murder (which, I believe is another bumper sticker).
The question to Pro-choicers
is: IF you suddenly KNEW that
a fetus WAS life, would you
care if “the right” to an abortion was denied? Of course
not! If a fetus is definitely a
baby, everybody cares if we
kill them.
We can all agree that life
is created somewhere between the screaming in the
sack and the screaming in
the stirrups. This is why abortion has nothing to do with
women’s rights. Your opinion
should be based SOLELY on
what moment that conception turns into life, not about
your ovarian constitutional
liberties.
If you think life begins at
conception, you should be
against abortion in all circumstances. If you think it begins
at birth, you should be for it in
all circumstances. If you think
it begins at seven months,
then you should be against
late term abortions only. If
you think it begins when
the kid is fourteen years old,
then you’re reading this in
jail (which is the residence of
approximately 73% of Fusion
subscribers).
Any justification beyond this
one question is pointless (with
the possible exception of life
of the mother, because at
least that is life-neutral).
(without Darth Vader like
technology) it is definitely a
baby. Doctors say that’s possible around 22 weeks. So,
no abortions past 22 weeks.
This way Moms have plenty
of time to find out about
their pregnancy and ditch it,
but once life has a fighting
chance, you have to give it a
fighting chance.
Option two: Make abortion legal for every woman in America for any reason. The catch?
No more traditional abortions.
The only way to eject junior is
using the “morning after pill.”
If you have unprotected sex
with that guy at work, drunkenly bed an old boyfriend, or
go within 641 feet of Tommy
Lee, you can pull the trigger
on the morning after pill for
72 hours afterwards.
(This
occurs before implantation,
allowing doctors to use the
super happy friendly term
“Emergency Contraception”
to describe it). You’re eliminating a clump of only about
100 cells, and you have to use
the pill before you even know
you’re pregnant, so it has the
charm of a firing squad. You
don’t know if your bullet actually killed anyone.
(I would be happy to provide
an option that is more proabortion than the one we
currently have, but outside of
having a 9mm in the mouth
of a toddler, none seem to
exist.)
Now that we’ve broken the
issue down with all the gray
area of a chess board, let me
propose a couple of compromises.
So, as unelected judges with
no oversight and lifetime
gigs from which they can’t
be fired decide our moral future, consider this: Unless you
ask the right questions and
answer honestly, unelected
judges with no oversight and
lifetime gigs from which they
can’t be fired will decide our
moral future.
Option one: To me-- if a fetus
can live outside of the womb
Send Stu hatemail by writing:
[email protected]
Thank you, Mom
The first person we come to know in life, other than the doctor who held us upside down and the cranky nurse who gave us that awful
first bath, is Mom. Her arms are immediately a safe haven from an uncertain and scary world.
There is no greater task than motherhood because it requires commitment; a commitment that the mightiest women in our society take
on. It’s their job to shape our future and they do it without recognition or respect.
A mother teaches strength through gentility, assertion through restraint. She forms the backbone of a household and shapes many of
our best memories: mom taking meatloaf out of the oven, sewing on the couch, folding our clothes, and running us all over town taking
care of our last minute school projects. I mean, really, who else could have made our tree costume for the school play with less than four
hours’ notice?
Whether we come to know our mothers from birth, or at six months old or six years old, the relationship is as powerful and significant
as any other in our lives. It’s not blood that binds us, but love.
Mom teaches us how to treat people and makes us feel secure when nothing else will. There isn’t a person alive today who, when they
are even slightly ill, doesn’t wish their mother was there to cover them with a blanket, make them chicken soup, and gently tell them
everything will be okay.
I lost my mother when I was 13 years old. There was an immediate emptiness, but the most painful times were yet to come. Each day
without her pushed her memory farther and farther away; the way she looked, the way she walked or stood at the stove, or the way she
smelled.
I remember the hardest day for me was maybe eight years after I lost her when I realized that I didn’t remember what her voice sounded
like. As each year passed, I found myself grasping at any memory of her, because otherwise it would be like my mom never existed. It was
as if she was vanishing with each minute of my life, my new experiences edging out the spaces in my mind she used to fill.
There are small reminders, however, of my mom that keep her memory alive. She used to walk really fast, as did her father. She would
take me to the zoo, and she’d have to turn around and say, “keep up” as my little feet shuffled behind her. Now, as I walk with Raphe,
I realize that I walk pretty fast and have to beckon him to keep up.
I still find it hard to believe I’ve been without her for 29 years, but I do have maternal love in my life. When I was still young, my father
married a wonderful woman, Dee, who I’ve come to know as a second mother. And since marrying Tania, I‘ve gained a mother-in-law,
MaryAnn, who has taught me a lot about family and traditions (and fabulous Italian food).
Having these amazing women contribute so much to my life is a blessing and I am grateful for them every day. But as I grow, and watch
my children grow, I wonder how things would be if my biological mother was still alive.
I wonder, do I look a little like her? Would I have called her when I needed advice? Would my wife like her? Would my kids appreciate
her? Would she be proud of me?
Now that I have a family, I love watching my wife enjoy the bonds of motherhood with our children. I look forward to hearing my
children call her “Mom” on their first day of school, when they need help finding their favorite sweater, and on their graduation day.
I’m curious to see what our children will pick up from Tania; what beautiful things about her will influence them the most. What habits
will they take away? What will they remember most about her?
The strength of a mother’s heart is her greatest gift: infinite, forgiving, kind, broken, hopeful, and eternal. Her presence and her memory,
remind us where we came from. Without her, we can survive, but we’re always somewhat adrift. Our safe harbor is lost.
These are lessons we learned the first time she held us tightly in her arms. We’ve understood them ever since the first time we said the
word, “Mommy,” and we saw her smile.
Happy Mother’s Day and thank you, thank you, thank you for everything.
MAY 2006 FUSION 15
the back page
I
f you’ve done
something
wrong and
want to clear your
good name, you
need two things: a
press conference
and someone or
something to blame.
We can’t help you
with the press, but
we can get you
something to blame!
Just use our custom
statement creator
to figure out how
to best deflect the
blame from what
you really did.
NOTE: This is based
on what Cynthia
McKinney might say
and is for practice
purposes only.
Your statement will
need to be tailored
for your specific
incident.
Instructions
1.
2.
3.
4.
The first step is
the hardest: find
a friend.
Have your friend
read you the
description
located below
each blank line.
Fill in each of the
blanks with the
word you come
up with.
Read your
new press
conference
statement!
Press ConferenCe
statement Creator
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming to my press
conference today to
discuss the incident that took place yesterday at the _______
___________________.
important place
It is my belief that once all of the facts come out, I will be exoner
ated.
This case is about one simple thing: the _______________ness
adjective
of my ____________.
body part
I am a _________________, ________________ ______________
__ of power and that
adjective
race
of people (1)
gender (2)
makes me a target. This is something I’ve had to deal with my
whole life.
Some people have tried to claim that the ______________
_____ simply did not
profession (3)
recognize me because I’ve changed my _____________________
____. That’s just
something on or part of your body
ridiculous. I’ve changed my _____________________, but I haven
’t chang
ed my
same as last word
______________. I’m still a ______________ __________________
__________________
body part
adjective
race (1), from above
that any lowly __________________ should recognize from miles
profession (5), from above
gender (4), from above
away.
Other people have tried to say that this incident was a result
of me not wearing
my security _________________. Well, if you watch ______________
___ any day of
accessory (6)
Obsure TV Network
the week, you’ll see lots of people not wearing their ______________
_______, so why
plural version of accessory (6)
should I be singled out? I’ll tell you why, it’s because I’m
a __________________,
________________, _________________ of color and many, many
adjective
gender (4) from above
adjective
people resent that.
Finished? Great, now you’ve got a blame-deflecting press statem
ent
of your very own! I bet it probably makes a lot more sense than
what
Congresswoman McKinney actually said.
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