The Story of my Body

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1·;xl'l.( 1111 N(; CON N1';( :'1'1 ( lNS
Ii, Ikvilw Ildle Moore Cultlphdl's "Envy" (p. 118); what evidence of gender
mil! socialization do you Hnd in the storyP To what extent do Moore's childhood llxperiences complicate Devor's presentation of gender role acquisilion?
7, To what extent do Alexis de TocqueviIle's views of women and men
(p. 4]7) reflect the "patriarchal gender schema" as Devor defines it?
H, Drawing on Devor's discussion of gender role fonnation, analyze the difference between the "I" and the "me" of the girl in Jamaica Kincaid's story
(p,421).
.
9. How would Devor explain the humor of the cartoon on page 432? How do
the details of the cartoon-the setting, the women's appearance, the three
pictures on the coffee table-contribute to its effect?
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EXTENDING THE CRITICAL CONTEXT
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believe inpressuring the children. When the time is rig!Jt,
they'll choose the appropriate gender. »
10. As a class, identify at least half a dozen men living today who are widely admired in American culture. To what extent do they embody the "four main
n.
attitudes of masculinity" outlined by Devor (para. 19)?
Write an essay or journal entry analyzing your own gender role socialization, To what extent have you been pressured to <-'anform to conventional
roles? To what extent have you resisted them? What roles have "generalized others" and "significant others" played in shaping your identity?
:;AGING THE TEXT
)r charges that most languages present gender as "binary and penna" (para. 3). Has this been your own view? How does Devor challenge
dea-that is, what's the alternative to gender being binary and penna-and how persuasive do you find his evidence?
, according to Devor, do children "acquire" gender roles? What are
'unctions of the "generalized other" and the "significant other" in this
3SS?
ain the distinction Devor makes between the "I" and the "me" (paras,
1 B). Write a journal entry deSCribing some of the differences between
own "}" and "IIle."
g examples from Devor and from other reading or obseIvation, list
"activities and modes of expression" (para. 12) that society considers
Icteristically lemale and characteristically male. Which are aC<:eptable
gender behaviors, and which are not? Search for a "rule" that defines
types of crossgender behaviors are tolerated.
ome aspects of the traditional gender roles deSCribed by Devor seem
changing? If so, which ones, and how?
The Story of My Body
JUDITH ORTIZ COFER
Accepting the idea that gender roles are socially constructed might not
be too dif.ftcult, but It may come a shock to 'reallze that even the way we
see our bodies is filtered through the lens of social values and beltefs. In this
personal essay, Judith Ortiz Cofer reflects on the different roles her own
body 1uM assumed in different contexts and cultures-the ways that different societies have "read" the meanings ofher phYSical appearance, The story
of her body becomes, to some extent, the story of her life, and woven into the
tale are int-rtguing comments on gender and on cross-cultured perception. A
native of Puerto Rico, Ortiz Cofer (b. 1952) is the Franklin Professor of English and Creative W-rtting at the University of Georgia. Her publteations
include The Line of the Sun (1989), a novel; Silent Dancing (1990), a collection of poetry and prose; An Island Like You: Stories of the Barrio (1996);
434
TnUE WOMI';N AND ilEAl. /0.1 EN
(JHTIZ (;( (///(/ VVolllall in Front of til(' SlIn: On lkcOIlling a \\'rikr (:!{)(){) I, "TlI(' S/""/f
of M') Bot!')"l/ppcared ill/wr short s/or') mLLccU"Il, Till' Latill D(·1i (J!N'3J,
1\1 is tlw stOl:' or 111\' !Jo(h',
-VI(;T(J!IIIEIt:,\,\:,\IlEZCllt'Z
Skin
'"
, I born a white> girl in PUl'rto Rico bnt l)('canw a brown when I
callie to live in thc United States. My Puerto Wean rdatin's called III(' tall:
at the American school, some of my rougher classmates called m!.' Bones, and the Shrimp because I was the smallest member of classes all
through grallllllar school until high school, when the midgl't was
given the honorary post of front row center for class pictures and scorckeeper, bench wanner, in P.E. I reached my full stature of [h'e feet in sixth
grade.
I started out life as a pretty baby and learned to be a pretty girl frolll a
pretty mother. Then at ten years of age I suffered one of the worst cases of
chicken pox I have ever heard or. My entire body, including the inside
of my ears and in between my toes, was covered with pustules which in a fit
of panic at my appearance I scratched off my face, leaVing permanent scars.
A crucl school nurse told nle I would always have them-tiny ClitS that
looked as if a iliad cat had plunged its claws del'p into my skill. I grew my
hair long and hid behind it for the first years of my adolescence. This was
when I learned to be invisible.
Color
In the animal world it indicates danger: the most colorful creatures arc
often the most poisonous. Color is also a way to attract and seduce a nUltl'.
In the human world color triggers many more complex and often deadly reactions. As a Puerto Rican girl born of "white" parents, I spent thc first
years of my life hearing people refer to me as bll/llca. white. My mother insisted that I protect myself from the intense island sun because I was marc
prone to sunburn than some of my darker, triglleiio' playmates. People
were always commenting within my hearing about how my black hair contrasted so nicely with my "pale" skin. I did not think of the color of my skin
consciously except when I heard the adults talking about compleXion. It
seems to me that the subject is much lIIore common in the cOI\\'ersation of
mixed-race peoples than in mainstream United States society, where it is a
touchy and sometimes even embarrassing topic to discuss, except in a political context. In Puerto Hico l heard many conversations ahout skin color. .-\
• 'I'll E STOIIY OF MY BODY
prq!nant woman could say, "I hope my baby docsn't tum out prieto" (slang
for "dark'" or "blaek") "like my husband's grandmother, although she a
good-looking in her time." I am a combination of both, being oliveskinncd -lighter than \I1Y motlH>r yet darker than my fair-skinned father.
In ..\lIIeriea. 1 alii a I)('rson or eo]or. obviously a Latina. all thc Island I havc
been ealled p\·er:.thing from a paloma blallca, 3 after the song (by a black
suitor), to la :,:1111;,:a. 4
first ('xI)('ri('IIl'(' of color pn'ju(liee occurred ill a supermarket in Paterson. 1\'e\\' Jersey. It was Christmastime, and I was eight or nine years old.
Tlwre was a display of to),s in the store where I went two or three times a
day to buy tllings for III)' lIIot11er, who Ilever made lists but scnt for milk,
cigar<'ttC's, a can of this or that, as she remembered from hour to hour. I enjO:'l'l1 heing trusted \\;th money and walking half a city block to the new,
nlOd('m grocery store. It was owned by three good-looking Italian brothers.
I liked the younger one with the crew-cut blond hair. The two older ones
watched me and the other Puerto Rican kids as if they thought we were
going to steal something. The oldest one would sometimes even try to hurry
me \\ith purchases, although part of my pleasure in these expeditions
came from looking at e\'er:thing in the well-stocked aisles. I was also teaching to read English by sonnding out the labels on packages: L&M cigarettes. Borden's homogenized milk, Red Devil potted ham, Nestle's chocolate mix, Quaker oats, Bustelo coffee, Wonder bread, Colgate toothpaste,
l\'()ry soap, and Coya (makers of products used in Puerto Rican dishes)
e\'er:thing-these are some of the brand names that taught me nouns, Several times this man had come up to me, wearing his blood-stained butcher's
apron. and towering O\'er me had asked in a harsh voke whether there was
something he could help me find. On the way out I would glance at the
brother who ran one of the registers and he would often smile and
\\ink at me.
It was the mean brother who first referred to me as "colored." It was a
few days before Christmas, and my parents had already told my brother and,
me that since we were in Los Estados5 now, we would get our presents on
Deccmber 2.') instead of Los Reyes, Three Kings Day, when gifts are exchanged in Puerto Rieo. We were to give them a wish list that they would
take to Santa Claus, who apparently lived in the Macy's store downtownat least that's where we had caught a glimpse of him when we went shopping. Since my parents werC' timid about entering the fancy store, we did
not approach the huge man in the red suit. I was not interested in sitting on
a stranger's lap anyway. But I did covet Susie, the talking schoolteacher doll
that \\'as displayed in the center aisle of the Italian brothers' supermarket.
Black.
'/,u/ol//(/ h!(//leu: \\'I.it(· do\'(>,
llriguelio: DrowlI-skinlll'd.
435
lin :!..ri"t!a: :\ whitC".
woman.
'Lol EII(1(/"': "Till' States'-tllat is, the United Statl's.
5
OB'!'I'/. (:( ll'EB • TilE STOBY OF MY BODY
4:lIi
437
TIIUI': \\'oMI,:N AND 111':1\1. She talked )'011 pulled a sl ring on Ilel" back. Snsie had a Ii Inil.,d reperloire of three sentences: I thillk she could sa\': .. I kill), 1'111 Snsi(' Sehoolleacher," "Two pins' two is rour," and 011(' oth;'1" thin" [ eannot n'II\('IIII)('J'.
The day til<' older hrotll<'r c1wsed nw away, I to tOlleh Snsi(''s
IJlolIJ curls. I had be('11 lolillllallY lilll<'S, as Illosl c1lildrl'1I I.an'. lIot to IOlle!.
in the store that [ was not But I had been looking at Susit'
for weeks. [n' my miud, she was Illy doll. After all. [ had put hN on my
rv isll list'. The 1II01lleni is frozell in Illy Illind as if tll<'rl' W('J"(' a
of it on file. It not a turning point, a disastt'r, or an e.1I1hshllking It was the first timl' I considered -if nain'lylhe meanillg or skill colol" in 1""lIali relaliolls.
[ reaclwd to tonch Snsie's hair. It seems to mt' that I had to get on tiptoe, since the toys were stackl'd on a table and she sat like a princess on top
of the fanly hox she call1l' in. Then [ Iward til<' bOOlning "I ley, kid, what do
you think you're doing'" spoken wry loudly from the meat cOlmtt'J'. I [cIt
although I knew [ not dOing anything criminal. [ rememher not
looking at the man, but standing there, feeling humiliated because I knew
everyone in tbe store must have heard him yell at me. [ felt him approaeh,
and when I knew he was behind me, [ turned around to face the blood\'
hutcher's apron. His large c1wst was at Illy eye Icve\. Ill' blocked nly way. '1
started to run out of the place, but even as I reaehed the door [ heard him
shout after me: "Don't come in here unless you gonna buy something, You
PR kids put your dirty hands on stuff. You always look dirty. But mayhe
dirty brown is your natural color." I heard him laugh and someone else too
in the buck, Outside in the I looked at I1\Y hands. My nails needed a
Iiule cleaning they always did, since I liked to paint with \\"Itercolors. hut
I took a bath every night. I thought the mall was dirtier than I was in his
stained apron. He was also always showed in big yellow circl('s
under his I sat IlII tht" front steps of the apal111H'ut Illlildiug
when- we lived and looked closelv at mv hands, wldeh showed tl\(' onl\' skin
I could see. since it was hitter co'ld aut) [ was wearing Illy qUilted coat.
dungarees, and a knitted n<l\Y eap of Illy fath(·(,'s. [ was not pink like UIY
friend Charlene and her sister Kathy, who had hlue eyes and light browu
hair. My skin is the color of the coffee my grandmother made, which waS
1i
half lIlilk, [celIe COil cafe rather than cafe COli [celle. My mother is the opposite mix. She has a lot of cafc in her color. I could not understand how m\'
.
skin looked like dirt to the supermarket man.
I went in and washed lily hands thoroughly with soap ant] hot water.
and borrowing my mothPr's uail file, I deaned the crusted watt'l'colors from
underneath my nails. I was pleased with the results. fo.'iy skin was the same
color as before, but I knew [ dean. Clean enough to mn my fingt"rs
Susie's fine gold hair when she callle home to nlt'.
"Iee/", COli coft!... cafe COli lcdII': Milk with colle" bro\\1.) ... collcl' "ith milk (.lark
bmwn).
Sizl'
mother is bardy four ft'd eleven inches in which is average
lilr mJllI('n in Il<'r falllily. \\'11<'11 I gw\\' to n\,(, ft"l'! by agc twelve, she waS
aillaz"d amllwgan to US(' tIl<' word tall to dt"seril>c' mt", as in "Since you arc
tall, this dress will look good on you." As with the color of my skin, I didn't
consciously think about my height or size until other people made an issue
of it. It is around the pn'<ldolesccut y('ars that iu America the children play for fun become fierce competitions where everyoue is out to
"pro\e" they are better than others. It was in the playground and sports
fi •. lds (bat Illy siz('-n'lat('d I'ro1ll('uls !)('g<lu. No matlt'l' how faruiliar the
story is, en!/" dlild wll(J is till' chosen (or a team kuO\vs the torIllent of
waiting to bt: called up. At the Paterson, New Jersey, public schools that I
attended, the \'olleyball or softball gllme was the metaphor for the battlefield of life to the inner city kids-the black kids versus the Puerto Rican
kids. the whites \,ersus the blacks versus the I'uerto Hican kids; and I was
-tF,7 skinny, short, bespectaded, and apparently impervious to the blood
thirst that drove many of my classmates to play ball as if their lives depended on it. Perhaps they did. I would rather be reading a book than
sweating, and mnning the risk of pain and injury. I simply did not
see the point in competitive sports. My main form of exercise then was
\\',llking to the library, many city blocks away from my banio.
Still, I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be chosen for the team. Physical education was compulsory, a dass where you were actually given a
grade. On my mainly al1 A report card, the C for compassion I always receh'ed from the P.E. teachers shamed me the same as a bad gmde in a real
chlss. Innuiably. my fathC'r wonld say: "lIow can you make a low gmde for
playing glJII/{'s':>" He did not understand. Even if I had to make a
hit (it uewr happelwd) or gt't the ball over that ridiculously high net, I
already had a repntation as a "shrinlp," a hopeless nonathlete. It an
area where the girls who tlidn't lik(' nl(> for one or another-mainly
lwt'ause I did better than they on academic subjects-could lord it over
JIlt': the field waS tIll' place where even the smal1est girl could make
me feel powerless and inferior. I instinctively the politics even
then: how the /lot choosing nw until the teadler one of the team captains to c,ill my name was a coup of s0l1s-there, yOll little show-off, tomorrow can bt'at us in spelling and geography, but this afternoon you'are
the loser. Or perhaps those were only my own bitter thoughts as I sat or
stood in tllP sidelines while the big were grabbed like fish and I, the
little brO\\1l tadpole, was ignored until Teacher looked over in my general direction and shouted, "Call Ortiz," or, worse, "Somebody's got to
tah, her."
'-If: Draft-board dassifieation "uufit for military s<',,;c<,:" h<'ncc, not physically
fit.
43S
THUE AND ilEAl. MEN
No wonder I read \Vonder\Volllan and had Legion ofSupl'r lIe daydreams. Although I wanted to think of "intdll'ctnal:' my
body demanding that I notice it. I saw the little swelling arollnd once-Hat nipples, the fiJlC' f!;rowillf!; in hilt wer!'
still hif!:ger thall Illy 'alld I always wore long- or half-sl(·(·\'(' blollses to
hide lily bony upper I wanted lIesh on Illy boues-a thick of it. I
saw a new product advertised on TV. 'Nate-On. They showed lilt'll and
wOlllen hefo,re and ,ifter taking the stufe aud it was a transli>nnation Iik(' the
ads that I saw on the
hack covers of my comic books. The 'vVate-On was vl'ry expensin·. I tlied to l'Xplainlny need I()r it in Spanish to Iny IlIolllI'r, hnt it didu't trallslate n'ry \\"ell.
even to my ears-and she said with a tone of finality. eat more of my good food
and you'll get fat -anybody can get fat. Il.ight. Except lIle. I \\',LS going to han>
to join a circus sOllleday ,LS Skinny the wOlllan without IIl'sli.
Wonder 'vVoman was stacked. She had a cleavaf!;e framed by the spread
wings of a golden eagle and a muscular body that has becollle hshionable
with wOlllen only recently. But sincc I wanted a hody that wOllld se'....'· 1111'
in P.E., hers was my ideal. The breasts were an indulgenct' I allo\\"ed
myself. Perhaps the daydreams of bigger girls were more glamorous. since
our arc filtered through our npeds, hut I wanted first a power/ill
body. I daydreamed of leaping up above the gray landscape of tbe city to
where tbe sky was clear and blue, and in auger and self-pity. I abont scooping my enemies up by their hair from tbt> pla;in!!: fields and
dumping them on a barren asteroid. I would put the P.E. teacht'rs each on
their own rock in space too, where they would he the loneliest people in the
universe. since I knew they had no "inJler resollfces," no imagination, and in
outer space, there would be no air for them to fill their t!ellated mlleyhalls
with. In my mind all P.E. teachers have blemled into one largt' spil.;y-hairt'd
woman with a whistle Oil a string around her neck alit! a volleyhall ullder
one ann. My Wonder Woman of were a source of comfort
to me in my early career as a sllIimp.
I was saved from more years of P.E. torment by the fact that in sophomore year of high school I transferred to a school where th(· midg'>t.
Gladys, was the focal point of interest for the people who IIIUSt rank according to size. Because her height was considered a handicap, there was an unspoken rule about mentioning size around Gladys, but of course, there was
no need to say anything. Gladys knew her place: front row center in class
photographs. I gladly moved to the left or to the right of her, as far as I
could without leaving the picture completely.
Looks
Many photographs were taken of me as a bahy by Illy 1II0ther to sellli to
my father, who was stationed overseas during the first two years of Illy life_
\Vith the arlllY in Panama when I was born, he later traveled often 011 tours
(IBTIZ (:( WEll· 'I'll E STOll)" OF
III
nODY
43!)
of duty with the navy. I was a healthy, pretty haby. Becently, I read that
people are dra\\'1 to big-eyed round-faced creatures, like puppies. kittens,
and certain other mammals and marsupials, koalas, for example, and, of
course. infants. I \\',LS all sinc(> my head and body, even as I grew older,
remained thill alld small-bOlll'd. As a yOlmg cllild I got a lot of attention
from my relati\'es ami many other people we met in our barrio. My
mother's beauty ha\'e had something to do with how much attention
we got from strangers ill stores alld 011 the street. I call imagine it. In the
pictures I have seen of us together, she is a stunning young woman by
Latino staJldards: long, curly black hair, and round curves in a compact
fralill'. Fronl her I J('anll'd IIl)w to nlove, smile, allli talk like an attractivc
woman. I remember going into a bodegak for our groceries and being given
candy by the proprietor as a reward for being bonita, pretty.
I can see in the photof!;raphs, aJld I also rl'IIlI'mhcr, that I was dressed
in the pretty clothes, the stiff, frilly dresses. with layers of crinolines underneath. the patent leather shoes. and, on special occasions, the skullIIlIggiJlg little hats allll the white gloves that were popular ill the late fifties
ami early sb:ties, t\ly mother was proud of my looks, although I was a bit too
thin. She could dress me up like a doll and take me by the hand to visit relati\"('s. or f!;o to the Spanish lIlass at the Catholic church and show me off.
Ho\\' was I to know that she and the others who called me "pretty" were
representath-es of an aesthetic that would not apply when I went out into
the mainstream world of school?
In my Paterson. New Jersey, publiC schools there were still quite a few
white children, although the demographics of the city were changing
rapidly. The original waves of Italian and Irish immigrants, silk-mill workers. and laborers in the cloth industries had been "assimilated." Their children were now the middle-class parents of my peers, Many of them moved
their children to the Catholic schools that proliferated enough to have
leagues of basketball teams, The names I recall hearing still ring in my ears:
Don Boseo High versus St. Mary's High, St. Joseph's versus St. John'S.
Later I too would be transferred to the safer environment pf a Catholic
school. But 1 started school at Public School Number 11. I came there from
Put'rto Rico. thinking a pretty girl, and found that the hierarchy for
popularity was as follows: pretty white girl, pretty Jewish girl, pretty Puerto
Rican girl, pretty black girl. Drop the last two categories; teachers were too
to ha\'e lIIore than one favorite per.class, and it was simply understood
that if there \\'as a big part in the school play, or any competition where the
main Iju,llification was "presentability" (such as escorting n school visitor to
or from the principal's office), tilt' classroom's public address speaker would
be requesting the pretty and/or nice-looking white bo)( or girl. By the time I
was in the sixth grade, I was sometimes called by the principal to represent
c1,Lss becaus(> I dressed m>atly (I knew this frolll a progress report sent to
"/hJflrgo: 15
'1:10
TilliE WOMI':N ANIlIII':,.\1. Illy mother, which 1 trallslated fill' her) alld heeallse all the "pres('lItabl(;'
while girls had lIIoved to the Catholic schools (I later surlllis(·d Illis part!.
But 1 was still not OIlC of the popular with Ihe hoys. I n'lIIelllher llIH'
incident where 1 stepp('d Ollt illto the playgroulld ill hag,!..,'y shOlis
ali(I OIl<' I'uerlo Wcall bov said 10 Ihe olll<'r: "\\'hal do HlIllllillk;>" 'I'll<' ollll'r
one answered: "Her is a K, hut look at 1I1l' toothpick legs:' Th(, IIl'xl
best thing 10 a cOlllplilllellt I got was whell Illy 1;I\urile lIIale teacher. while
klllllillg 0111 the e1ilss picturcs, COIlIIII('lIled Ihat with IOllg IIl'ck alld dl·licate features'l resemhlt·d the 1II0vi(· star Audrey H(·phum. Bllt the Puerto
boys had !eanwII to respolld to a I"III1I'r figlln': IOllg IIl'cb and a ()('rll'ct litlle IIIISI' were 1101 wllal tlH'v look!·d liH' ill a girl. That is whl'lI I 11,·cided I was a "brain." I did not settle illto the role e,;silv. I was lIearh- de\"lstated by what the chicken pox episode had d01l1' to ;lIY But I
looked into the Illirror I('ss oftell after I W,lS told that I wOllld alwavs han'
scars on my face, and I hid bdlilld Illy 10llg black hair and Illy books.'
After the problems at the publiC school to the point where ew'n
1I0nconfrontational little 111(' got Iwatl'lI lip several tilllPs. parellts ('11rolled lIIe at St. Joseph's High School. I W,lS th('11 a millority or olle alllOllg
the Italiall and Irish kids. But I roulld several good rriends there-other
girls who took their studies seriously. \Ve did our hOlllework togt'lh('r aud
talked about the Jackies. The Jackies were two popular girls. 01)(' blonde aud
the other red-haired, who had womeu's bodies. Their CIIrvt's showed en'n
iu the blue jumper unirorllls with straps that wc all wore. The blonde Jackie
would often let one of the straps fall 01'1' her shoulder, aud although sht', like
all of us, wore a white blouse undemeath, all the bovs stared at her anll. "Iv
friends amI I talked about this alld practiced our straps (;111 01'1' ou'r
shoulders. But it w,Lm't the same without breasts or hips.
My final two and a hall' years or high school werc spellt iu Augusta.
Georgia, where Illy parputs IlIov(·d om Cunily in sl'areh or a 11101'(' pl'an'flll
environment. There we beeame part or a fittl(· or our cOllnected relatives and friellds. Sehool was vl'l another lIIatter. I was ('11rolled in a huge school or lIearly two thousa;ld stndl'lIts that had jllst thaI
year been lilrecd to There were two black girls ali(I tlll'n' was IIII'.
I did extremely well academically. As to Illy social life, it \\'as, (Ill' the 1II0st
part, uneventful-yet it is ill my memory by olle ineident. III my
junior year, I becallle wildly illfatuated witll a prdty white hoy, I'll call him
Ted. Oh, he was pretty: yellow hair that rell over his forelJ('ad, a slllile to die
for-and he was a j:';reat dancer. I watched him at Teen TO\\11, the youth
center at the base where all the militmy brats gathered on Saturday nights.
My father had retired frolll the navy, alld we had all our base one other reason we 1II0ved to Augusta. Ted looked like an angel to IIII', I
worked on him for a year bell)re he asked lIIe out. This lIIeant lIIaneuH'l;lIg
to be within the periphery of his vision at ('vcry possible occasion. I took thl'
long way to Illy classes in school just to pass by his lockt'r, I wellt to foot hall
games, which I detested, and I danced (I too was a good dancer) in rront of
(111'J'l'fUlFl·:I\· 441
IJillt at Teell TO\\'n -this took SOln(' jllOtwork, sillce it involved subtly
IIIlJ\'ing partuer toward til(' right spot on the dallce floor. \Vhen Ted fi approached III<'. "A 1\lillioll to aliI''' was on the jnkebox, amI
\vhell he took 111(' into Ids anns, tIll' odds sllddenly tUnled in Illy favor. III'
Ille to go to a Sclll II ,l dam'(' till' I"ollowillg Satllrday. I said yes, bn'ath 1 said hilt 1111'[(· w(·n· ohstacles to sunllollnt at hOllle. My father
did not allow lIIe to date' casually. I was allowed to to major events lile a
prolll or a COIlC('li witll a who Ilad hel'lI proP(·r1y screened. There was
slldl a in a lll'ighhor who wanted to he a Baptist missionary and
was pradicill).! his anthropological skills on Illy ClIllily. If I was desperate to
go SOIlI('\\·hl'rl' alld 1I(·pdl·d a dat(" I'd I'('sort to Cary. This is till' type or religiolls nut that Gary was: wllt'n the sehool hilS did not show up one day, he
put his hands O\'er his faee and prayt'(1 to Christ to get us a way to get to
school. \\'ithill ten minutes a lIIotlll'r ill a station wagon, on her way to town,
stopped to ask why we \\T'rell't ill school. Cary informed her that the Lord
had sent her just in time to find us a way to get there in time for roll call. III'
assuln('d that I was illlprl'Ssl·(1. Gary was evell good-looking in a hland sort
or but lIe kisst,d me with his lips tightly pressed together. I think Cary
probabl:' ended lip lIIarr:;ng a nati\'e WOlllall frolll wherever he may have
gOI1(' to pl'('aeh tile Goslwl accordillg to Palll. She probably believes that all
white 1111'11 to Cod for transportation and kiss with their mouths closed.
Bllt it was Ted's mouth. his wholt' bealltiful self, that concerned me in those
days. I \....new Illy father would say no to our datt·, hut I planned to ron away
frolll home if nt'eessar:·. 1 told my 1II0ther how important this date was. I cajolt'd and pk'aded with her rrom SIIJlday to Wednesday. She listened to my
and IIII1St ha\"e heanl the 1I0te of desperation in my voice. She
said \"f'r:' to 1111": "You beller be ready for disappOintment." I did not
"'hat she lIIeant. I did lIot want Iwr fears 11)[ lIIe to taint my happiness. I
ask!,d I)('r to tell l;ltlll'r aholll date. Tllllrsday at breakfast my father
looked at lIIe ae-ross the tahle ,,;tll his ey(,brows My mother
looked at hilll \\;th ht'r 1I10llth set ill a straight line. I looked down at my
bowl of e-l'rl'a!. Nohod:' said Friday I tril'd on every dress in my
doset. TNI wOllld Iw pie-king IlIt' up at six 011 Saturday: dinner and then the
sock hop at se-hoo!. FIi(la:' night I was in Illy rOOll1 doing Illy nails or some else ill preparation for (I know I groollled myself nonstop all
\\"l'('k', wh(,11 the t(·]epholle rallg, I ran to get it. It was Ted. His vQicc
soundt'd whell ht' said Illy nanH',:;o funlly that I felt compelled to ask:
"Is sOlllt'thillg wrollg?" Ted blurted it all out withollt a preamble. His father
had asked \\'ho he was going Ollt \\;th. Ted had told him my name. "Ortiz?
That's Spanish. isn't it?" tIl(' father ha(1 asked. Ted had told him yes, then
sho\\11 hilll picture in the yearbook. Ted's fath('r, had shaken his head.
':\ (J. Ted ,,"olIld not be taking lIIe alit. Ted's fathN hau known Puerto Ricans
in tht· He had !iwd in New York City while studying architecture and
had S('ell how tht' spies Iin·d. Like rats. Ted repeated his father's words to
lIIe ,lS if I should lllltlt·rstand his predicamellt whcn 1 heard why he WitS
442
. \I.I.E:-': • \\'IIEIIE I TIIUE AND ilEAl. breakillg l;ur date. I d01l'1 n'lIll'llIber wllal I said bel"ore hallgillg "I'. I do J"l'call the darkness of my roo II I that sleepless uight allli the heil\'illl'SS or blanket in which I wrapped myself like a shroud. Allel I rCIIIl'mlwr parents' respl'ct filr Illy pain and their g('ntll'lIl'SS toward 111(' that w('ekl'nd. 1II0ther did Jlot s,ly"l wahll'd you," alld I was gratl'litlli)r her Ilndl'rslalldillg
silence.
In I suddl"nly became an "exotic" WOlllall to the men who had
survived the popularity wars ill high school, who w('r(' 1I0t practidng to Ill'
worldly: 't\lCY had to act liberal ill their politics, ill their lifestyles, alld ill the
th('Y went Ollt with. r dakd heavily filr a while, thcn marril'd nmllg.
I had discl;ver('d lhat I lI('ed('d slabilily 1'1I0r(' [kill social Iili'. I had' for sure and sOllie talellt ill writing, These were ,I eOllStant in Illy iiI,,'.
My skin color, Illy size, and Illy appearance were \'ariahles-things th'lt
were judged according to Illy current self-ililage, the a('stlll'tic \'ailles or till'
time, the places I was in, and th<" people> Iml't. My studies, latn Illy writing.
the respect of people who saw me as an indi\idual person cared about.
these were the criteria for llIy sense of self-worth that I would cOllcentratl'
IS LIKE TillS
443
..... Like Orti/. COfl'r. Eric Liu (I" (60) IIIl1st [jud ways to definc his identity
within lIIultiple cultUfl'S. \\'hat problems do they face, what strengths or
aeh-autag('s do find \\ithin each culture, and what do they
adopt to upgotiat!' th!' teusions that arise counicting cultural values?
E:\.'TE:'\DI:'\G THE CRITICAL CONTEXT
!J. In her self-analysis. Ortiz Cofer discusses thc "variables" in her physical ap)1C'arance-the dl'termin('d values that influence her perception of
Ilf'r SIll' abo n·!ll'l'!s on jl"rsonal "fads" or "constants" -morc
durahl!' fl"ltures. like her \\'riliug and Iler necd for stability- tllat contrihute to her Write a series of journal entries that tell the story of
Hl1Ir 0\\11 bOlh-. \\'hat "variahll's" have inHuenced your perception of your
appearance? \\'hat "fads" ahout )'ourselfhave become "l'Onstants"?
on in my adult life,
ENGAGING TIlE TEXT
1. Ortiz Cofer writes a good deal abollt how people percei\'l'll her allll ahout
how their percl'ptions dlanged according to tillle and place. Trace thl'
stages Ortiz Cofer lived through, citing examples frou) the tl'xt, ami discuss
in each instance how her self-inHlge was affected by people 'irolllHI her.
What main point(s) do you think Ortiz Colt'r may 11l' tr;illg to mah, \\ith
the narrative?
2. Which of the difnculties Ortiz Cofer faces are related specifically to geuder
(or made more serious by gender)? Do boys face comparable prohlellls?
3. In your opiniou, did Ortiz Cofe\" make the dedsious throughout her
story? Is there anythiug she or her parents could have dout' to a\'oid or n'sist the various mistreatments she descrihes?
4. What role do media play in Ortiz Cofer's story?
.5, Does everyone have a story simihlr to Ortiz Cofer's, or uot? Other pPUpll'
may be overweight, wear hraces, mature velY early or \'l'r;' late, han:' big
noses or unusual voices, and so on. What, if anything, sets Ortiz Cof('r's experience apart from the usual "traumas" of childhood?
"There I Come From Is Like This
P.-\ULA ALLEN
Pallia GUIIII Allell lcas born ill 1939 ill Cubero, New MeXico, a Spanish_\[('xicoll lalld grallt t:i/logl'; tchae sIll' comes from is life as a Laguna
Pucblo-Sioux-Leballese womall, III this essay she discllsses some of the
(cays traditional images of tcomell i/I American Indian cultures differ from
i/llo!:-('s ill maillStr('am AIII('ricon culture. Allen is Widely recognized for her
books of poetry and for ',er novel The Woman \Vho Owned the Shadows
(1953). Oth{'/" u'orks, includillg Grandmothers of the Light (1991) and
\\'omen in American Indian M)thology (1994), have focused on the female
spilitual traditions of Native Americo. Her most r('cent work is a biography
('ntitled Pocahontas: Meoicine Woman, Spy, Entrepreneur, Diplomat
I::00.'3>, This ('ssay appl'ared in her essay collection, The Sacred Hoop:Re the Feminine in American Indian Traditions (1986).
EXPLOlUNG CONNECTIONS
6, Review Aaron II. Devor's Meulbers of (p. 424). How
do Ortiz Cofer's experil'nces support and/or complicate De\'or's e,\plauation of gender soci,llization?
7. Compare the childhood experienees of Ortiz Cofer and Gary Soto (p. :!(iL
To what extent do their relationships, coucerns, and bl'lli\vior aiJppar to Ill'
innuenceu by gender? What other social forces shape their I
American InJian women, like their non-Indian sisters, are
engag('d in tIll' struggle to redefine themselves, In their struggle
mnst r('condle traditional tribal definitions of women with industrial
and postindustrial non-Indian definitions. Yet while these definitions seem