THE BEST MAN BIBLE

Tommy Virgo Presents...
THE BEST MAN BIBLE®
From “Oh My God” to “Thank God”
The World’s Primary Source Of All You Need
To Succeed As A Best Man
© Tommy Virgo Productions
Oakland, California USA
v. 2.7 – June 21, 2008
[email protected] | www.thebestmanbible.com
Table of Contents
1. Genesis _____________________________________________________________ 5
Oh, Crap ___________________________________________________________________ 5
No Pressure _________________________________________________________________ 6
Who Is Tommy Virgo? ________________________________________________________ 6
Why Am I Here? _____________________________________________________________ 7
2. Why The Bible Should Be Your Primary Source ___________________________ 8
How You Should Use This Book ________________________________________________ 9
3. What It Means To Be A Best Man ______________________________________ 11
The Vaunted History of The Best Man ___________________________________________ 11
The Best Man Honor Code ____________________________________________________ 12
Tommy Virgo’s Best Man Code of Honor ________________________________________ 13
What It Means To Be An Alpha Male____________________________________________ 14
4. Your Duties As Best Man______________________________________________ 16
What To Do First ___________________________________________________________ 17
Setting Up A Task List / Timeline_______________________________________________ 19
5. The Bachelor Party __________________________________________________ 20
Bachelor Party Rules For You As Best Man _______________________________________ 21
Getting Down to Bachelor Party Business_________________________________________ 21
Planning The Tommy Virgo Way _______________________________________________ 22
Who: The Bachelor Party Participants ___________________________________________ 22
When To Do It _____________________________________________________________ 25
Where: The Bachelor Party Location And Length __________________________________ 26
What: A Guide To Bachelor Party Activities ______________________________________ 27
Some Tommy Virgo Pointers ______________________________________________________
Planning For The Length Of The Party _______________________________________________
Activity Ideas __________________________________________________________________
Activity Addenda________________________________________________________________
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How: The Detailed Logistics of The Party Activities ________________________________ 39
Delegating Tasks ________________________________________________________________ 40
Transportation __________________________________________________________________ 40
Money ________________________________________________________________________ 41
Considerations Once The Party Begins ___________________________________________ 42
Tommy Virgo’s Bachelor Party Oath of Secrecy ___________________________________ 42
The Bachelor Party Oath __________________________________________________________ 44
A Short Bachelor Party Epilogue… _____________________________________________ 45
6. Other Pre-Wedding Best Man Duties ____________________________________ 46
Tuxedo Rentals and Returns ___________________________________________________ 46
Pre-Wedding Parties And Rehearsals ____________________________________________ 47
The Rehearsal & Rehearsal Dinner __________________________________________________ 47
7. The Wedding Ceremony_______________________________________________ 49
Wedding License____________________________________________________________ 51
Ushers ____________________________________________________________________ 51
During The Ceremony________________________________________________________ 51
The Receiving Line __________________________________________________________ 52
Wedding Photos ____________________________________________________________ 52
What If The Groom Is A No-Show? _____________________________________________ 52
8. The Reception_______________________________________________________ 54
The General Order of Things __________________________________________________ 55
9. The Best Man’s Speech / Toast _________________________________________ 57
Fear ______________________________________________________________________ 58
Preparation ________________________________________________________________ 59
Best Man Speech Content _____________________________________________________ 60
The Standard Best Man Speech _____________________________________________________ 60
Other Speech Ideas ______________________________________________________________ 61
The Big No-Nos ____________________________________________________________ 62
Speechmaking Body Language and Other Tips_____________________________________ 64
Best Man Speech Resources ___________________________________________________ 65
Two Examples of Speeches I’ve Given ___________________________________________ 66
A Toast For Chris _______________________________________________________________ 66
A Top 10 List For Jaymes _________________________________________________________ 67
10. When It’s All Over __________________________________________________ 69
11. Last Rites _________________________________________________________ 70
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APPENDIX A_________________________________________________________ 71
The Best Man Timeline And Task List ___________________________________________ 71
The week you become best man ____________________________________________________
4+ Months Out__________________________________________________________________
3+ Months Out__________________________________________________________________
2+ Months Out__________________________________________________________________
1+ Month Out __________________________________________________________________
3 Weeks Out ___________________________________________________________________
1 Week Out ____________________________________________________________________
1-3 Days Out ___________________________________________________________________
The Day Of The Wedding _________________________________________________________
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1
GENESIS
"The chief pang of most trials is not the actual suffering itself
as our own spirit to resist it."
-Jean Nicolas Grou
Oh, Crap
One of your closest friends is getting married and has asked you to be his best man. Your
likely response?
Outdoor Voice: “Wow, what an honor! Thanks!”
Indoor Voice: “Uh oh.”
Before you get too freaked out, you should take a moment to pat yourself on the head.
You’re The Man1! You have been chosen to stand up straight with pride and honor next
to your close friend/brother/acquaintance and face those assembled to witness the
merging of two souls in matrimonial and legally binding bliss.
No small thing, this best man business. Everyone who looks upon you will know that
you are the closest friend or family member to the groom, and will treat you as such.
You’re the one he trusts the most. You’re his ultimate wingman. You now have instant
street cred with people you’ve never met. Mothers will kiss you. Grandmothers will
pinch your cheek. People will want to mate with you. Things you say will have more
gravitas. People will laugh with you rather than at you, and the jokes you tell will get
laughs even before the punch line has been delivered. You are now assumed to be, by the
power of your position, the life of the party, as well as the keeper of great and ancient
secrets.
1
Or woMan, if you are part of an unconventional ceremony. For the purposes of clarity
of language, we’ll assume that this is a conventional ceremony such that the groom is a
‘he’, the bride a ‘she’, and the best man is not a woman. No offense to anyone in any
other situation (I live in San Francisco, after all). It’s just too disruptive to write he/she
him/her over and over again.
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Now, with all the powers and responsibilities suddenly bestowed upon you, all you have
to do between today and the end of that wedding is keep from screwing up one of the
most important experiences in the life of the bride, the groom, and their assembled
families. You are officially an Alpha Male, and if you are a geek extraordinaire in real
life, well, you’d best man up, buddy—and quick.
No Pressure
No, really. Being the best man need not be the stressful experience you may think it is.
And it won’t be, my friend. Because you now have at your fingertips the Holy Grail, the
very Bible of Best Manning. As you peruse this comprehensive handbook of best
manliness, the practical knowledge and wisdom contained herein will seep from between
these words into your fingers, up your arms, through your face and into your head, where
it will be converted into actions you could have never dreamed up alone, though you have
my permission to act like it. Actions that will make you the alpha male you always knew
you were. Actions that will make the groom and all his friends nod slowly and say,
“Yeah, now I know why he’s the best man.”
So take a deep breath, because you’re not alone. You now have an experienced personal
assistant to do the hard work for you, a best man wingman of your own. His name is
Tommy Virgo, and he knows a thing or two about this best man stuff.
Who Is Tommy Virgo?
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a narrow field.”
-Niels Bohr
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tommy Virgo, and I’ve been to a lot of
weddings. A LOT. More than I can possibly count. I’ve been a groomsman at least 10
times, and a best man almost as many. Most of my best man experiences came in the
past 5 years, and at the time of this writing, I have just finished being a best man for my
brother for the second time in a month (don’t ask), and anticipate being called up for duty
for other friends at least once, possibly twice, before year-end.
With all of my inadvertent experience as both a passive and active part of countless
weddings, I’ve seen my share of stuff, much of which I will cover in this book. I’ve also
been the cause of some of the stuff I’ve seen. I’ve not only been a damn good best man,
I’ve also had the unfortunate experience of truly sucking at the job. Man, I’ve made my
share of mistakes. I’ve got proof in the form of video, and you’ll see it all. I’ve made
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toasts that have offended everyone, and I’ve gotten toasted enough to ruin this oh-sospecial of days for all those involved.
And that’s good. For you.
I’ve been a best man enough times that I am now an expert at it. People search me out to
get my advice on how to do it, and do it well. I’m constantly being asked for help by
friends, friends-of-friends, and people I don’t even know. I’d put “BM” after my name on
my business card, but, considering that I work as a medical practitioner, it might be
misinterpreted by anyone with a history of gastrointestinal issues.
What does it mean to be an expert? It means that I have made enough mistakes, seen
enough action on the best man front lines, that I have wisdom. Wisdom that I’ve
translated into process. There is a process to the experience of being a best man. A
process, and a code. We Virgos pride ourselves on codifying things, breaking down
difficult tasks into bite-sized pieces. Virgos are organized. And the first rule of having
fun as a best man is to get organized. Once you have things organized, you are free to
relax and have fun. Because, in the final analysis, fun is what this best man stuff is all
about.
Why Am I Here?
I’m writing this book for several reasons:
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I’m tired of people I don’t know mining my head for detailed best man advice.
The vast majority of information out there on being a best man pretty much sucks.
It’s vanilla, non-specific crapola.
Writing this down and selling it allows me to put it into a visual structure and add
to it as I continue to gain experience and learn from others.
Things given away are not valued or respected as much as things earned or paid
for. Having you pay for it not only enforces quality control, it makes you take my
advice more seriously.
All I really want to do is go backpacking with my dog, as much as possible. Your
purchase represents a full day of trail food and supplies for the two of us.
Thanks!
Finally, this book is my vehicle to being a better person. Ten percent of the
profits from every sale will go to the charity listed on our website. Seriously.
So, in short, by buying this book, you’ve made both of us a better person.
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WHY THE BIBLE SHOULD BE YOUR
PRIMARY SOURCE
“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”
-Oscar Wilde
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.”
-Lao Tzu
The first time I was asked to be a best man, I’d never been to a strip club, and I’d never
been to Providence, Rhode Island. I got most of my advice from an unkempt stinker
sitting next to me on my flight over on the very night of the bachelor party. “Go to the
‘Lusty Lady’ club” he told me through a fog of whiskey-tainted breath and a bodily odor
reminiscent of old Doritos. “And return in the morning for breakfast; they call it ‘Eggs
‘n’ Legs.’” Yuck. But his advice did make the night interesting. Who knew that Jell-O
wrestling with attractive students from the local university could be so entertaining?
I soon found out that being a best man means being an instant expert on all things Man,
and, being a bit of a geek myself, I really didn’t do a great job my first couple of times
around. But geeks are good at learning from their mistakes, and I learned…and
learned…and learned. Each time I was in a wedding party or at a bachelor party, I
absorbed the lessons, the good and the bad. Each time I was asked to be a best man, I
looked for new books, new resources, and examined the heads of others I knew who had
seen best man action. In the end, what I found is that most of the information out there is
shallow, not suited to the many possible variables or configurations of the modern
wedding experience. Things like unconventional weddings; unusual best manning (I’ve
been a best man to a woman); grooms who don’t want public humiliation and/or
strippers. Varying levels of adherence by the wedding planners to the wide range of
possible best man responsibilities. You get the picture.
The Best Man Bible will cover all that you need to know to be the best best man, from
the standard bachelor party, speech, and wedding formalities to the more unusual and
unconventional celebrations and rarely-mentioned considerations. You’ll learn the
history of your lofty position, your ‘official duties’ according to tradition and uptight
wedding planners (read: the bride’s family), as well as Tommy Virgo’s secret
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organizational tips, allowing you to put it in cruise control from today through to the
reception. You can rest assured that all of the tips in here are tried and tested, verified by
a cadre of married men and women who’ve tried them, as well as the thousands who have
bought and commented upon this text. (If you find anything out of whack here, or have
some experiential advice of your own you’d like to add, please write us at
[email protected].)
Here’s what the Best Man Bible does not include: Anything not directly related to your
unique position as best man. There are as many resources on weddings in the real and
cyber world as there are words on this page. If you wanted to know more about
bachelorette parties, why the ring is worn on the left ring finger, or how to create a
seating chart for the reception, look elsewhere. We have enough for you to go over as
best man without filling your head with the mundane.
Further, I will not be writing your speech for you. I will give you all the tools you need
to get over your anxiety and do a great job, but a good speech contains the voice of the
person giving it and, while there are plenty of resources out there to basically copy and
paste, you really should make it your own if you want it to be exceptional.
Bottom line: By keeping this Bible close at hand, your tenure as best man will be
memorable to all who come in contact with you between now and the end of the
wedding, and for all the right reasons.
How You Should Use This Book
The Tommy Virgo way to being the best man means having fun, which assumes that you
are well organized. There are as many ‘kinds’ of weddings as there are cultures, belief
systems, and new religions. That said, most modern weddings in the U.S. and Western
Europe follow some of the same basic structure. The degree to which a given wedding
process and ceremony adheres to that structure is what varies. The Bible will go into
great detail, touching on most of your potential responsibilities as a best man. I will give
you charts and diagrams telling you which duties should occur when. While the classic
number of responsibilities may be quite large, in most cases you will not be expected to
fulfill them all. Best to know now which ones you should prepare for.
Once you know your responsibilities, prepare for each task using the Best Man Timeline
in Appendix A. The Bible has been organized in the order of your responsibilities as they
occur over time. If you have plenty of time to get your plans together (say, 6 months or
more), I’d recommend you read the Bible beginning to end. Keep a copy on your toilet
or, if you live with someone neater than you, on your bedside table.
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If you have less than 6 months, glance over the Timeline and pick through the chapters
you need as you wish in order to get your tasks completed. You may note that some
information in each chapter is redundant relative to the Timeline. The Bible was
designed so that you could jump around without missing a thing. A holographic Bible, if
you will.
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WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A BEST MAN
“Know your job, set a good example for the people under you and put results over
politics. That's all the charisma you'll really need to succeed.”
-Dyan Machan
“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold,
but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not
arrogant; have humor, but without folly.”
-Jim Rohn
Before we dive too deeply into the minutia of your tasks, let’s take a longer view of your
new role and what it means, starting with a quick history lesson. Don’t skip this section.
I guarantee that at least two people will ask if you know the history of your position
before your shift is over.
The Vaunted History of The Best Man
Did you know you’ve been chosen as the best man because you’re the baddest of bad
asses? Or so European history would have us believe. In times not yet forgotten, but
hopefully not soon repeated, people lived in small clans and were mostly related by
blood. When it was time for a man to find a wife, he would go off with his best and
biggest friends to raid another village, quite literally stealing the woman he intended to
marry while his buddies helped him. The biggest and toughest, or perhaps just the
coziest, of all of his friends would stand next to him at the altar, along with his
groomsmen, usually in an outward-facing circle, in order to keep the bride’s tribe from
taking her back before the ceremony was completed.
In other, slightly more peaceful societies, the best man was said to be like the vicegroom. In these cases, best men were usually the younger, unmarried siblings of the
groom if not his closest friend, and would agree to take over as the groom should
something happen to the first-stringer at some time in the near future. If the best man
was married already, he and his family agreed to take care of the bride if anything should
happen to the groom. No small responsibility, this best manning.
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Fortunately, we now live in a time when being a best man will not involve any serious
risk to your health or well-being, or that of others around you (if you do it correctly). Yet
it should still be considered a great honor, and one which you should take seriously.
In ancient times, clans lived by their own sacred rules and codes of conduct. While we
may no longer help to steal women from other clans, we do still have a Code of Honor.
The Best Man Honor Code
“The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a
discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.”
-H.L. Menken
“Reputation is what other people know about you.
Honor is what you know about yourself.”
-Lois McMaster Bujold
Just in case you’ve never heard of an honor code, it is generally defined as a set of rules
or principles governing a group or community that define what constitutes appropriate
behavior within that community. Our Code is not only your secret handshake with
yourself; it also establishes the underlying standards against which all of your actions as
best man must be measured. No one else need know that you are operating from these
concepts.
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Tommy Virgo’s Best Man Code of Honor
1. I am the best man to all with whom I come in contact who are in some way,
directly or indirectly, associated with the nuptials of my friend, the groom. This
includes all friends and families of the couple. I am a close friend and confidant to
them all, even if they don’t know it yet.
2. The bride and her friends and family are my dear friends and family as well.
Even if I cannot stand them. I will play nice and do everything in my power to
keep the bride and her contingent from experiencing any me-related stress until
the honeymoon is over.
3. While I am flexible and open to input, when it comes to decisions about my duties
as best man (especially with regard to the bachelor party), the buck stops with me.
Regardless of however milquetoast and flaccid I was as a man before being
knighted with this honorific title, I am now the decision-maker, the second-to-last
word after the groom. I am an alpha male, a leader of men.
4. Regardless of how stressed out I may be, I will continually project an image of
calm and control over all situations, thereby calming all of those around me.
5. I will refrain from any and all negativity throughout my tenure as best man and
endeavor to see the silver lining in all situations, even if the bride, groom, or
anyone else who is part of the wedding is angry, negative, or otherwise freaking
out.
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What It Means To Be An Alpha Male
“If you can keep your wits about you while all others are losing theirs,
and blaming you… The world will be yours and everything in it, what's more,
you'll be a man, my son.”
-Rudyard Kipling
“Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.”
-Samuel Johnson
In the Code above, I mention being a leader of men, an alpha male. This has confused
some who’ve acquired previous editions of the Bible, and they’ve requested clarification.
So allow me to digress for a moment and discuss what it means to be an alpha male, and
why it’s important.
Now that you’ve been chosen as the best man, you have been essentially given a free pass
to go right to the head of the class. Within the group of those associated with the
wedding, whether at the bachelor party, the ceremony, the reception, or otherwise, you
are assumed to be the alpha male. Sounds cool, eh? It is, unless you don’t know a thing
about what it means and you screw it all up.
Being an alpha male has many dimensions to it. Primarily, it is something you earn by
your knowledge and presence in a group. While it may be fun to be The Man, being
pushed down off of your alpha pedestal can be a long way to fall. There are various ways
you may lose your default alpha status, and almost all of them start and end with your
conduct.
So how do you maintain and extend your alpha status throughout the best man
experience? First, remember the above-stated assumption that you are the alpha dog by
default. Next, abide by Tommy Virgo’s Best Man Code of Conduct above—a Code
that’s pure alpha. Finally, review and internalize the following alpha qualities to the best
of your ability.
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An alpha male is:
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A leader of men, making decisions and taking charge.
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Not easily disturbed by nearly any negative or unexpected experience. An alpha
male feels and experiences the emotions of life, but stays in control, rolls with
situations, and learns from them.
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Someone who shows pride and confidence through his body language.
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A supporter and protector of all people close to him.
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Able to fix his focus on a person or a task until the conversation or task is
completed satisfactorily.
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Able to connect socially or relate to just about anyone. An alpha male has social
intelligence.
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Not needy.
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Interesting and fun.
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Someone who knows what he wants out of life, and goes after it with drive and
confidence.
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A great storyteller, with plenty of stories that are funny, interesting, and relevant.
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Not self-deprecating, except when necessary to advance his agenda.
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Generally positive, not complaining or putting down others. Why would he need
to?
These qualities, of course, are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. If any of them are
foreign to you in your experience of being a man, take this opportunity as best man (and
assumed alpha) to do some more research on alpha male behavior and become the man
you’ve always wanted to be. After all, an alpha male doesn’t have to be the toughest guy
in the room, just the most comfortable with himself.
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