THE GEEK BOOK - ESL Teachers Board

Transcription

THE GEEK BOOK
quotes from the cyberworld: a to z & beyond
a collection of primary sources which attempt to give
some insight on why programmers and other
assorted geeks are so……well, geeky.
© copyright 1991-2010 Faisal N. Jawdat. All rights reserved.
Redistribution and use in any form, with or without modification, is permitted. Neither the name of Faisal N.
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quotes: a
Actually, I think what would be most appropriate is if we were all to shut up now.
-Majdi Abbas
A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
-Edward Abbey
Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule
themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
-Edward Abbey
Grown men do not need leaders.
-Edward Abbey
If the end does not justify the means - what can?
-Edward Abbey
Might does not make right but it sure makes what is.
-Edward Abbey
The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny.
-Edward Abbey
The ready availability of suicide, like sex and alcohol, is one of life's basic consolations.
-Edward Abbey
What is truth? I don't know and I'm sorry I brought it up.
-Edward Abbey
Some people wish for peace for our children and their children. This is not enough. We
must insist on peace for ourselves.
-King Abdullah of Jordan
In fact, the ubiquity of the handheld reflects two other key trends among the Baby
Boomers: No one has a secretary, and no one can remember a damn thing.
-Elliott Abrams
Hey,if you've got a whole dump truck full of skulls...how are you going to keep track?
-Jeremy Abramsom
I'm of the opinion that everyone should be beaten at least once a year.
-Jeremy Abramsom
...and I was just trying to live my bloody life - you know, get from A to B, and do a little
shopping - only to find that in fact life is controlled poorly by bits of bloody, bloody
buggery bits of paper. I mean, why can't life just be made a little bit easier for everybody,
you know, I mean why do we pay bloody taxes? I know, you know, to buy railings to put
outside bloody shops so stupid people can't run into the bloody road, but you know, we're
not all stupid. We don't all need nursemaiding. I mean, why not have a stupidity tax, just
tax the stupid people!
-Absolutely Fabulous
Dick Cheney's job in the White House will be to oversee the military, foreign affairs, the
federal budget, federal agencies, judicial appointments, executive branch hiring and
firing, and West Wing office space distribution. Bush can play 36 holes.
-Joel Achenbach
I find myself using the word "bandwidth" now, and feel the mounting urge to say
"megabit" and "gigabit" and "terabit" as though these are normal words like "tree" and
"rock" and "bunny." I've learned the meaning of the word "photonics," and now, like
many techies, believe the most important fundamental particle in the communications
industry of the future will be the photon, not the electron. You know your world has
changed, has become more innately technological, when a distinction like that strikes you
as interesting.
-Joen Achenbach
If novelty was the essential ingredient of modern art, then repetition is the hallmark of
postmodern craft.
-Joel Achenbach
The young don't feel any great need to wait for the Walk sign before they cross the street.
They feel invulnerable. Over time, you better appreciate the consequences of each action.
You see people get burned, you see friends fall apart, you go to a few heartbreaking
funerals. You begin to realize that survival requires cunning, and as a hedge, as part of a
long-term strategy for improving your odds, you wait on the corner until you get the
signal to walk.
-Joel Achenbach
Yes, the race is close. But it should be. That's not a sign of unfinished business. That's a
sign of a politically mature system. Our two major parties are enormous, amoebic
entities, shifting and morphing over time, sliding left and right, subsuming various
factions of voters. A perfect system will result in close elections. The only thing that
could skew the system is if one party has a truly wonderful, enchanting, superior
candidate. This year we don't have that problem.
-Joel Achenbach
Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power, corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost
always bad men.
-Lord Acton
Hey! Are you people moshing? This is techno. TECH-NO. You don't mosh to techno,
you mosh to hardcore. HARD-CORE.
-DJ Mohawk Adam
Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement
of double- entry bookkeeping.
-Cecil Adams on Dungeons & Dragons
In some ways we know more about what happened in the universe's first tenth of a
second than we do about what goes on in the interval between "Your place or mine?" and
deciding who sleeps on the wet spot.
-Cecil Adams
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it
was and whether they were enjoying it.
-Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and
been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams
Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is
going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and
just keep yourself occupied.
-Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in a moment of reasoned lucidity which is almost
unique among its current tally of five million, nine hundred and seventy-three thousand,
five hundred and nine pages, says of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation products that "it
is very easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the sense of
achievement you get from getting them to work at all." In other words, - and this is the
rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's Galaxywide success is
founded - their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial
design flaws.
-Douglas Adams
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all
customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who,
by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.
-Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers what the Universe is for and why
it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-Douglas Adams
There was a point to this narrative, but it has presently escaped the chronicler's mind.
-Douglas Adams
There's nothing in life so difficult that a Microsoft manual can't make it completely
incomprehensible.
-Douglas Adams
We may not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end.
-Douglas Adams
Why is there pain and misery in the world?... Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet?
Why didn't Microsoft even put in a word count? These things are unknowable.
-Douglas Adams
Nothing in education is so atonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the
form of inert facts
-Henry Adams
I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and
philosophy.
-John Adams
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of
carbon compounds that crawl.
-Mike Adams
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400
newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.
-Scott Adams on the ending of Calvin & Hobbes
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's
done.
-Scott Adams
Most of the other suggestions involved doing things that were impractical, obscene or
illegal. I tried them all personally, and although I must say I enjoyed several of them they
didn't meet all of the criteria for selection.
-Scott Adams
My business cards have said "engineer" for several years, but that's mostly to impress
women.
-Scott Adams
Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brandnew ones. But that's OK because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve
better and better problems.
-Scott Adams
There are, in general, two ways to predict the future. You can, for example, use
horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, a crystal ball, and so forth. Collectively, these are
known as the "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated
computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time." While all
these approaches have their advantages, I find it's a lot easier and more economical to
simply make stuff up.
-Scott Adams
This web project is the most self-indulgent, egotistical thing I have ever done in my life.
But the day is young. I can top it.
-Scott Adams
Venture capitalist. No doubt about it. Not only does it sound great at parties, but you're
expected to fail 90 percent of the time--and that's OK. Some of my best friends are
venture capitalists, but let's face it, a hamster with Alzheimer's could make those kind of
numbers. It's great work if you can get it.
-Scott Adams
The chief ingredients in the composition of those qualities that gain esteem and praise,
are good nature, truth, good sense, and good breeding.
-Joseph Addison
I can feel my hearing impairing.
-David Adler
Is it red or white wine with Tokyo?
-David Adler as Godzilla
ALL television is children's television.
-Richard Adler
Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for
profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind.
-"Advice to Officers of the British Army", 1783
This is an air fragrance product. It does not have supernatural powers.
-from an aerosol can at Woolworth's
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-Aesop
It's a place used the world over where people can come to bitch about movies and share
pornography together.
-Ben Affleck as Holden McNeil, describing the Internet, in Kevin Smith's _Jay and
Silent Bob Strike Back_
You see, that's the difference between us. I assume the best about people, while you
assume the worst. So I get hurt, but you get nothing.
-Sondra Ahlen
Given a choice, the American people would prefer the policeman's truncheon to the
anarchist's bomb.
-Spiro Agnew
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to
ram them down people's throats.
-Howard Aiken
Worthless.
-Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS (Astronomer Royal of
Great Britain), estimating for the Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of
the "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 15, 1842
A man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure will ever be fulfilled.
Those who laugh at this folly are, after all, no more than mere spectators of life.
-Ryunosuke Akutagawa
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy
one for a few dollars.
-Fred Allen
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
-Henry Allen
Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without
it any more than we can without potatoes.
-Louisa May Alcott
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality
through not dying.
-Woody Allen
I'm due back on the planet Earth now.
-Woody Allen
If only god would give me a sign... like making a large deposit in my name to a swiss
bank account.
-Woody Allen
If you're not failing now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
-Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good
questions.
-Woody Allen
More puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of
millions. The reason they can never answer the question, 'How could it possibly happen?'
is that it is the wrong question. Given what people are, the real question is, 'Why doesn't
it happen more often?' But of course it does, just in smaller ways.
-Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
-Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is
going to make fun of you.
-Woody Allen
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just
to be sure.
-Eric Allman
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and
there's being off the network.
-Guy Almes
117 documents match your query. Search Amazon.com for top-selling titles about +dwarf
+"pubic hair".
-AltaVista
I was hoping your server was a huge, custom, Area 51-type of thing, Frankensteinian, a
mammoth gigaswitch, but held together with duct tape and prayer. You disappoint me.
-Matt Alt
General flames go to alt.flame. Flaming the entire AOL community goes to alt.aol-sucks.
-From the alt.sex.stories FAQ
Well, he's not psycho or addicted to anything, he's got a job, and he's doing the school
thing; this is a step up for me.
-Bekka Altes
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-Noelie Altito
The first Internet Cult Mass Murder.... I've got your information highway RIGHT HERE
buddy!
-Marcus Alzona
The number one problem in our country is apathy ... But who cares!
-Darrel Anderson
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as
presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful
and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
-Erik Anderson
Remember, the Christmas Spirit is not what you drink.
-Ian Anderson
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't
believe this to be a coincidence.
-Jeremy Anderson
He's not working... he's suppressing an uncontrollable user!
-Jim Anderson
My plan for improving the quality of presentations used to be two-fold: DESTROY
EVERY COPY OF POWERPOINT (and assorted functional clones) in existence, and
GIVE OFFENDERS REMEDIAL "HOW TO TALK" CLASSES, emphasizing the
content-based logical mark-up portions of HTML as a mechanism for making slides.
(The hardcore hopeless cases would be forced to learn TeX.) Now, however, I think there
needs to be a third step: BIG BIRD MUST DIE.
-John S. Jacobs Anderson
Increasingly, we go to a company and we find not a company but a product. Increasingly,
that product is not so much a product but features of a product, and increasingly, those
features are not features but an idea.
-Marc Andreesen
It all comes down to one thing: whether we are building a burger or a company. If we are
building a burger, we take every customer that comes along and cash the checks as
quickly as we can, but if we're building a company, we say no to any company that
distracts us from the long-term mission. ... A burger is meant to be flipped, whereas a
company is meant to be here for the long term. It's the central issue in this company and it
affects every decision we make. It affects who we hire, how we spend our money, how
we incentivize our people, and whether we accept a customer that doesn't necessarily fit
into our business model. We aren't in the burger business.
-Marc Andreessen
Java Navigator will have a lot of good attributes: It's slower. It will crash more and have
fewer features. So you can do fewer things. It will simplify your life.
-Marc Andreesen, as quoted in BrowserWatch
I think most folks that are hooked up are like me, and suspect they hit the love lottery, but
they haven't finished scratching off the ticket yet.
-Mark Andy
God has made Canada one of those nations which cannot be conquered and cannot be
destroyed, except by itself.
-Norman Angell
At least in kindergarten when the regular teacher was out the substitute would let us
color, but this is ridiculous. How do I fill an entire 6 hour day with no work to do. I
wonder if this was in the investor prospectus under "forward looking statements?"
-Anonymoose, f---edcompany.com Happy Fun Slander Corner
Que es el problema ahora? <--- sample of a Spanish version of SQL
-anoiksi, #perl, EFNet
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know that he is.
-Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
Before the tragedy of September 11th the only thing scary about Anthrax was our bad
hair in the 80's and the "Fistful Of Metal" album cover.
-Anthrax press release
It is so easy to miss pretty trivial solutions to problems deemed complicated. The goal of
a scientist is to find an interesting problem, and live off it for a while. The goal of an
engineer is to evade interesting problems.
-Vadim Antonov
Unix gives you enough rope to shoot yourself in the foot.
-H. Peter Anvin
I knew the gratuitous bra scene had to be CGI. The curve of Julia Roberts' breasts was
too reminiscent of the Sterns-Rahaja pertness algorithm.
-Dan Appelquist
Kevin, your wit is tepid and lacking in spirit. You are as a small flower which, when
carried upon the wind's harrowing passages, is thrown hither and thither, never reaching
safe ground to spread its roots. And therefore, just as the flower, your feeble witicisms
die from lack of nitrogen.
-Dan Appelquist
My friend Stew says I don't quallify for Gen X because I've never done any
telemarketing.
-Dan Appelquist
Okay everybody, let's all play the new game show, 'gay or canadian?'
-Hugh Apple
Today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification
Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure idealogy,
where each worker may be bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing
truths. Our unification of thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on
earth. We are one people, with one will, one resolve, one cause. Our enemies shall talk
themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail.
-Apple 1984 Commercial
A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program.
-Apple MPW C compiler error message
...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch
statement.'
We already did this function.
There is a life-size picture of a dogcow conveniently located in the Finder. Look under
"Page Setup..." Now look under "Options." Like any talented dog, it can do flips. Like
any talented cow, it can do precision bitmap alignment.
-from Apple Tech Note #31
Nothing is intrinsically good or evil, but its manner of usage may make it so.
-St. Thomas Aquinas
Live together like brothers and do business like strangers.
-Arab Proverb
Trust in God, but tie your camel.
-Arab proverb
Crotch Masculine Deodorant Spray. When a man wants to feel good, he reaches for his
Crotch.
-Steve Archer
goddamnit! my duck is broken....this sucks
-Steve Archer
marilyn manson action figures, now with controllable satanism.
-Steve Archer
welcome to shadowscene, the land of the dark and stupid. so dark, even our ideas appear
as black lights... or something like that. and the bounds of our stupidity is only matched
by the length of that goddamn ... thread.
-Steve Archer
you know I made several points that were way better and more intelligent then that. but
they didn't include them because the media sucks.
-Steve Archer
Don't you dare think that this girl lets you off the hook, star star star starlette star star star.
This isn't like most mailing lists, where we ritually torture the new list member until
someone else shows up. This is psychoburbia, where, if you're dumb, we'll just beat you
mercilessly with lead pipes until the next idiot dares pull their head out of the sand, and
then we'll beat them, too.
-Mark Argent
Like most other "sexy" articles of women's clothing, it puts men in "the mood" and the
woman wearing it in the mood to chuck it in the trash and sit in a bathtub with a box of
Hershey's Kisses until her toes look like prunes.
-Mark Argent
Please do not speak. It will only save you embarassment in the future.
-Mark Argent
we in the psychiatric community have a special term for people like John ... "stark staring
bonkers"
-Mark Argent
Welcome to the Babbage's of Infinite Delights. I am the proprietor of this establishment.
My name is Lo Pan. We have wonders from all four corners of the globe. Everything you
seek is here. But be warned...that which you desire most, comes with a most horrible
price... You seek a Legend of Zelda cartridge. We do indeed carry such an item... but it
carries a terrrrible curse....
-Mark Argent
You could get an iMac, but generally speaking, iMacs are something you win, not
something you buy.
-Mark Argent
The wise learn many things from their enemies.
-Aristophanes
There was never a great genius without a tincture of madness.
-Aristotle
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
-Aristotle
Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee
-Bill Arms
Drugs are for the weak. Yoohoo is for the hardcore.
-Hayley Asay
Good ... Bad ... I'm the guy with the GUN!
-Ash, "Army of Darkness"
It's a trick...get an axe.
-Ash, "Army of Darkness"
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-Isaac Asimov
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
-Issac Asimov
Science does not promise absolute truth, nor does it consider that such a thing necessarily
exists. Science does not even promise that everything in the Universe is amenable to the
scientific process.
-Isaac Asimov
I don't like the way [Independance Day] ended. The humans shouldn't have won. That
movie should have ended with a smoldering planet and the aliens laughing and drinking
beer and using our resources.
-Jason Asser
The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
-Lady Astor
It's the crazy aunt in the attic. Everyone knows she's there, but you can't say anything
about it.
-AT&T official on the company's pay-per-view pornography business
Instant Hangover: just remove water.
-Laura Atkins
Never believe anything until it's officially denied.
-Margaret Atwood
Perhaps some future [D&D] variation may even take a cue from recursive movies like
"Being John Malkovich" and the "Scream" series. In it, you'd play a game-company vice
president with the Bard-like name of Dancey. To win, you'd need to regain the trust of
embittered former loyalists and guide them through the bizarre Astral Plane known as the
Internet -- where a cruel kingdom called Microsoft battles a guild of gnome-like tinkerers
and their nebbishy leader, a sorcerer from faraway Finland, the one with an
unpronounceable name and a magic penguin.
-Wagner James Au
No poet or novelist wishes he were the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish
the were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been
granted.
-W. H. Auden
Only the free have disposition to be truthful. Only the truthful have the interest to be just.
Only the just possess the willpower to be free.
-W. H. Auden
The optimum committee has no members.
-Norman Augustine
Often a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other parts
of the world, about the motions and orbits of the stars and even their sizes and
distances,... and this knowledge he holds with certainty from reason and experience. It is
thus offensive and disgraceful for an unbeliever to hear a Christian talk nonsense about
such things, claiming that what he is saying is based in Scripture. We should do all that
we can to avoid such an embarrassing situation, which people see as ignorance in the
Christian and laugh to scorn.
-St. Augustine, "De Genesi ad litteram libri duodecim"
You cannot have too large a party.
-Jane Austen
... problems continue in the South African black townships. Four people were killed in
violent clashes yesterday. A black spokesman said - this situation is a tragedy for our
people; we get no help from the government; blacks are dying and all the whites can do is
talk about cricket. [very brief pause] last night at the Sydney Cricket Ground, the South
African cricket team defeated Australia in the day-night match .....
-A(ustralian)BC-FM news
All photography is accurate - none of it is truth.
-Richard Avedon
It's just so strange to me that anyone would ever think that a work of art shouldn't be
disturbing, or shouldn't be invasive. I mean, that's the property of a work of art, that's the
arena of a work of art - it's to disturb, it's to make you think, it's to make you feel. If my
work didn't disturb people from time to time, it would be a failure in my eyes - it's meant
to disturb, in a positive way.
-Richard Avedon
The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as smart as men, but that
we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.
-Bernard Avishai
quotes: b
It's 10PM, do you know where your spacecraft is? We do!
-Ron Baalke, Jet Propulsion Lab
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if
you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able
rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-Charles Babbage
Nothing destroys authority so much as the unequal and untimely interchange of power,
pressed too far and relaxed too much.
-Francis Bacon
Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.
-Richard Bach
I'm fascinated with everything. Especially breast cancer.
-Steven Badelt
Well, I spent a lot of time lying on my back in intensive care units, rehab centers,
emergency rooms, and imaging labs and I really learned something from that. Without
exception, every single one of those places has exactly the same ceiling.
-Thor Badendyck
In America, an acquittal doesn't mean you're innocent, it means you beat the rap. My
clients lose even when they win.
-F. Lee Bailey
When you're through changing, you're through.
-Bruce Barton
Remember, age and treachery trump youth and skill. We are taking notes.
-Philip Balister
For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.
-Mike Batchelor
Die young, die fast, die hard... Live a long time and you get old.
-Steve "Anton Max" Bajzek
I have a lot of homework and I can't justify blowing it off to see a movie without at least
30 violent deaths.
-Steve Bajzek
I just watched the wall, i might as well be drunk.
-Steve Bajzek
I find it easier to disagree across the board, because then I don't have to argue specific
points, and if I start to lose I can just resort to name-calling.
-Steve Bajzek
In keeping with current trends, I have realized that it is necessary for me to hate people,
lest I be deemed unfashionable. Therefore I have decided that I hate Josh and Jason. I
hate Josh because he talks about computers way too much and shoves ash trays down my
shirt, and my decision to hate Jason was pretty random, so I can't really give a good
reason. Furthermore, I will continue to hate the aforementioned people until such time as
I forget making this post, at which point I will revert to my default state of hating myself.
Have a nice day.
-Steve Bajzek
No no no, you don't understand...when I'm here, at night, alone, this world is
mine...reality conforms to what I want it to be. If I say something is cool, then it is. And
in my world, hanging upside down like a bat is not just cool, it's practically heroism.
-Steve Bajzek
Ooh, you called me a goose. Yeah, you can more than deal with me, I have to admit. That
one hurts even more than when you called me a virtual buffoon.
-Steve Bajzek
really...the term "kiss of death" is totally redundant
-Steve Bajzek
That would be dishonorable... and cool.
-Steve Bajzek
That's impressive, i can't even listen to megadeth lyrics. Something about dave
mustaine...actually, everything about dave mustaine.
-Steve Bajzek
Time flies when you're having drinks.
-Steve Bajzek
I'm no fan of lawyers or litigation, but it's high time that someone defined "buffer
overflow" as being equal to "gross criminal negligence".
-Henry Baker
I need a wider variety of drugs. God, I miss college.
-Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn
Everybody's at fault according to someone. Cripes, deal with it.
-Stephen Baker
As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.
-Paula Baker
Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.
-Ivern Ball
I mean, guys at Microsoft say the new strategy at Sun works a little like this: Microsoft
announces something called a hole. Sun says, 'No, you shouldn't build a hole for two
weeks.' Then they say, 'We're going to build a better hole on the moon, but we don't have
any equipment yet to get there, and we're going to call it J-hole.' So this whole Liberty
United thing feels like another J-hole to me.
-Steve Ballmer
You can only do software at a certain speed, and software development is not something
you can do in six months.
-Steve Ballmer
The elite of Baltimore's literary scene are quite down to earth. They drink. They smoke.
They eat people.
-Baltimore Book Festival advertisement
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
-Honore de Balzac
I'm told that most Vampires who meet Oblivion do it from an unconscious death wish...
From what I can see of Jason Flame, he's completely conscious about it.
-Brian Bankler
Two people talking is a conversation. Three is a conspiracy.
-Brian Bankler
No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit.
-Sir Frederick G. Banting
None of the women that Ken knows have brushes or combs. When their hair gets tangly
or knotted, Ken is there for them.
-J.J. Barkas
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work.
-Cliver Barker
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
-Charles Barkley
Television is the first truly democratic culture --- the first culture available to everybody
and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what the
people do want.
-Clive Barnes
The world is not coming to an end - it's coming to Bethesda.
-Barnes & Noble ad
Windoze is the Mac interface done by people with Crayolas instead of rapidiographs.
[email protected]
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.
-P.T. Barnum
God is not trendy, so he definitely wouldn't use Motif. God sent his only Sun to save the
world, and then they beat him and made him run Solaris.
-Dave Barr
A penny saved is worthless.
-Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
-Dave Barry
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be
able to talk to us. (By "they" I mean "computers": I doubt scientists will ever be able to
talk to us.)
-Dave Barry
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by
using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a
really sharp-looking report.
-Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-Dave Barry
People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot".
-Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
-Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
-Dave Barry
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age 11.
-Dave Barry
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle
East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is
nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living
in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
-Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the
increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-Dave Barry
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is insane.
-Dave Barry
Years ago, Mattel did come out with a 'Stubble Barbie' model, but it was a big bust. (Of
course ALL Barbies have big busts, but that is not my point.)
-Dave Barry
Your friends love you anyway.
-Dave Barry
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-Marion Barry
The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long
period of increment weather.
-Marion Barry
The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
-Marion Barry
... Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-R. S. Barton
Sounds to me like Sam needs some reconstructive brain surgery! OK, Prof. Fether, you
sedate the patient and I will sedate myself...this should be a fun operation!
-Peter "Dr. Tarr" Bateman
I don't care what you know. Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash. Your ego's
writing checks your brain can't cash.
-Steve Bates
I feel like MacGuyver. I'm on my back with just a handful of wire-ties, a pair of scissors
and some duct tape.
-Steve Bates
Difference is all the mind's input devices can detect, and difference is in a sense all the
mind is there to consider and respond to.
-Gregory Bateson
You can only get so much per year. You got the Yard, what do you want books for?
-Kristen Batch
Every piece of code he rewrites has to be rewritten by someone else twice. Once to fix
the bugs and once to realize that he wrote the wrong thing in the first place.
-Mark Baushke
The people who wrote this are idiots, training to be morons.
-Mark Baushke
The beauty of mechanical problems is that they are often visible to the naked and
untrained eye. If white smoke is rising from a disk drive, that is probably where the
problem lies (unless your disk drive has just elected the new Pope).
-John Bear
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a
dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding
fathers used in the struggle for independence.
-C.A. Beard
About a month ago, I went shopping with my insane Taiwanese girlfriend, Communist
Spice. As is my wont, we were methodically cruising every aisle in the store. When we
entered the pet food aisle by mistake (we have no pets) she stopped dead in her tracks.
Picking up a can with a picture of a cat on the label, she held it out for me to see. "You
are eat this in you country? We not eat cat in Taiwan."
-M. Otis Beard
It was a magnificent display of trained and disciplined valor, and its assault only failed of
success because dead men can advance no further.
-Maj. Gen. Sir Beauvoir de Lisle
As a slave you have to work hard, live in a shack, and do what master says. As a
capitalist no one gives you a shack.
-Adam L. Beberg
There are also unamusing things like for example the local coffee/doughnut shop being
closed tonight when it is supposed to be open 24/7. I consider this to be a serious denial
of service by the miscreant who operates the shop. Man does not live by nicotine alone.
Meanwhile i sit here like a moron waiting an hour for a non-event to happen. My sole
purpose for being here is so that the 'suits' who are out whooping it up can experience
anxiety-free whooping.
-Bill Becker, Fri, 31 Dec 1999 23:06:42 -0500 (EST)
If you don't see it, ask for it.
-Susy Becker, "All I Need to Know I Learned from my Cat"
People are always looking for things to do to pass the time that would pass anyway.
-Samuel Beckett
Santa Zarquana Voostra! So safe that you have to build a zarking fortress ship to take the
byproducts to the nearest black hole and tip them in! Only it doesn't get there because the
pilot takes a detour - is this right? - to pick up some lobster...? OK, so the guy is cool,
but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching
critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure!
-Zaphod Beeblebrox, Young Zaphod Plays It Safe
In life, the wanting is always better than the getting... except maybe oral sex.
-Curt Beeson's brother
Music is the one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of knowledge which
comprehends mankind, but mankind cannot comprehend.
-Ludwig van Beethoven
I realize that the standard protocol (I think it's even an IETF RFC) is buying sushi for
[everyone] some night in exchange for a dog and pony show about how the company has
got a trillion dollars in funding and is going to corner the market for wireless loadbalanced web servers, or something. Those days are long past, the dogs and ponies have
been returned.
-Brian Behlendorf
Gee, I'll just give you a couple of plant genitals to pin on your lapel to show how much I
like you.
-Professor Beildelman
God is a combination of Stalin and Castro.
If you want to start a religion, you might do better on the orgy front than the castration
front.
Sin is sort of goofy.
There are a lot of people I think less of than my 2 cats - including one of my sisters.
They give shameless a new meaning, which is one of the reasons I really like monkeys.
Universities are run by people who know very little about education - they're called
Deans.
Terrorism has become an American problem and, as such, it has very recently acquired a
very American solution: massive and invasive military force.
-Ian Andrew Bell
I figure if I am going to really swim with the sharks, I need to get off my butt and head up
to their level. I do so, rising ever slowly upward. The circling sharks swim just a wee bit
wider to avoid bumping me. Some scientists suspect that sharks, with their heightened
sense of smell, can even detect adrenaline. I think of the little twits with backward
baseball caps who weave in and out of traffic back in Florida with NO FEAR decals on
the back of their jacked-up pickups. A Caribbean reef tip shark would peel that decal in a
nanosecond.
-Bill Belleville, Salon
In over 1,000 dives in 20 years, there have been no skirmishes between sharks and divers.
Shark attacks must be messy, emotional affairs; I figure the Germans simply have no
time for them.
-Bill Belleville, Salon
I could have put a serious picture of myself here, but I think I look like a cartoon
character in this shot. I like cartoons.
-Mike Belt
next time you find somebody who's insisting they're punk, look on their neck for my
special mark. If it don't say mike belt, it ain't punk.
-Mike Belt
One day.....it'll happen. A bunch of us kept nrrrrds (employed by only one company) will
be in a locked, windowless room with a bunch of consultants. The consultants will be
babbling incoherently about the "infobahn" "cyberculture" "cyberspace" "surfing tha
web" and "interactive marketing." And there will be blunt weapons in that room. And the
festivities will begin.
-Mike Belt
She's the kind of chick I'd pick up if I were stoned outta my gourd. Then we'd get home.
Then I'd doze off in front of the TV, hoping she'd just leave quietly. Done and done.
-Mike Belt
you know, now that i'm an adult, i have a hard time distinguishing one straight-edge
hardcore song from another
-Mike Belt
Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody
understood Chinese.
-Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing
at the moment.
-Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it
up because by then I was too famous.
-Robert Benchley
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
-Texas Bix Bender
When religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in
their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put
aside all obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to a man in a blind rush
until it's too late.
-Bene Gesserit proverb, Dune
If god were a bad guy, he'd be me!
-Nathan Benedict, "the Last Action Hero"
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-John Benfield
To a book collector, you see, the true freedom of all books is somewhere on his shelves.
-Walter Benjamin
I'd rather have a prehensile tail so that it can just reach out and curl around the coke can
while I hack so that I can slurp without removing my hands from the keyboard.
-Jon Bennett
I want you to kill someone in ten lines or less.
-Jon Bennett
At first, I thought it was just hype, but then I saw the complete enterprise solution.
-Dave Benson
It is difficult for me to comprehend the fact that some people actually do not consider all
uses of explosives to be recreational.
-Ragnar Benson
Actually, since I work in Reston now, I have a cage full of ebola monkeys that I've been
feeding E and showing pictures of you while playing Barry White dance remixes. You
connect the dots.
-Dayv Benzino
Cliff and Dana, as well as Jack Eidsness for anyone that knows him, all still have jobs.
The only person I know by name (not personally, though) to get fired was Moose. It's
obvious that I'm a good person to know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be cutting the tails
off of mice to create a super-race of tailless mice.
-Dayv Benzino
Guys are easy. Trust me, I am one.
-Dayv Benzino
I'm not going to say anything about Y2K bugs. I suspect that their effects in North
America will resemble the normal operation of most Microsoft software.
-Dayv Benzino
If we lived near L.A., all the theatres would have stadium seating. On the other hand,
we'd all be assholes.
-Dayv Benzino
Know you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is mostly treachery and
groin kicks.
-Dayv Benzino
Let's enjoy the traditional custom in Brazil of getting syphilis.
-Dayv Benzino
Professional football players may spend all their money on cocaine they snort off the
chest of hookers they punched out, but at least they're smart enough to avoid confusion
by wearing different colored uniforms.
-Dayv Benzino
If you don't go to somebody's funeral they won't come to yours.
-Yogi Bera
First of all, my parents are Jewish, and all Jews are atheists. Second of all, they're
REALLY atheists.
-Peter Berger
I want to marry Dorothy Parker. Well, actually I probably just want to divorce her.
-Peter Berger
There is only one sin in this world, and you have definitely committed it: It is the Sin of
Not Understanding Humor When It Slaps You Upside The Head.
-Pete Berger
Plaintiff Wile E. Coyote is a citizen of Arizona. Defendant Acme is a Delaware
corporation whose products are sold by mail order in every state in the nation. Plaintiff
seeks damages for injuries caused by defects in an extensive list of products purchased
from Defendant for use in his profession as predator.
-Scott Berger
The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.
-Henri Bergson
I want knowledge, not faith, not supposition, but knowledge. I want God to strech out this
hand to me, reveal himself and speak to me. I call out to him in the dark, but no one
seems to be there.
-Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal
In our fear, we make an image, and that image we call God.
Life has been a futile pursuit, and wandering - a great deal of talk without meaning.
Love is the blackest of all plagues - if one could die of it, there would be some pleasure in
love. But you don't even die of it!
Why should one always make people happy? It might be a good idea to scare them once
in awhile.
You misguided ham shank, love is another word for lust plus more lust and a lot of
cheating, lies and other kinds of fooling around.
we trust him. but we know where he lives, just in case
-Dirk Bergstrom
Dear scroll bar. You are wonderful. My days have benefited from the glory of your
existence. I fully appreciate you and your amazing powers. May all of my applications be
graced with your presence.
-Scott Berkun
dog + chocolate powder + carpet = bad
-Scott Berkun
...everyone in this building says Hi to you when they see you in the hallway, whether they
know you or not. I respond to this in 2 ways: 1) I'm from NYC and I should kill you. 2)
Gee, people are friendly here and i should be nice.
-Scott Berkun
given the number of mailing lists I'm on that I don't read, I should at least subscribe but
not read this one
-Scott Berkun
I know the magic spell that will save you from blue screens - but I'm not going to tell
you. ... (And no cracks about the spell being "Buy Macintosh" - it's my birthday ya know)
-Scott Berkun
I think you are giving this movie way too much credit. It's like trying to find the meaning
of a saved by the bell episode.
-Scott Berkun
In situations where there are multiple players with different agendas, there is nothing
worse than failure as a result of deliberate inaction - and there is nothing better than
success as a result of deliberate inaction.
-Scott Berkun
It's time for me to either stop taking crack, or double the dosage.
-Scott Berkun
When you click on Violence, you get Sex
-Scott Berkun
You might say I'm looking for some work. I can frighten people with my mind. I can tear
their souls out with the diamonds in my eyes. I have found my rage and I am willing to
use it. I can juggle three basketballs. I can write faster than I can think. I'm convinced I
can defend Microsoft, single handedly, in an argument against dozens of the unhinged. I
prefer to do than to talk. I've invented my own passions, and have faced my fears. I
confuse courage with desperation, and lattes with capaccinos.
-Scott Berkun
Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-Hector Berlioz
alcohol and calculus do not mix! DO NOT drink and derive!
-Cyndi Bernard
oh Jeff, the Stoli fairy will visit you again and lure you back over to the dark side!
-Cyndi Bernard
she's not a lush; she was accidentally overserved.
-Cyndi Bernard
The internet team is headed by a monkey. I even call him Koko. At least on some level
that's educational.
-Cyndi Bernard
work work work. it's 11:30 and I need to switch from coffee to stoli already!
-Cyndi Bernard
Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made
ridiculous by friends when dead.
-Ambrose Bierce
Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of
understanding.
-Ambrose Bierce
The covers of this book are too far apart.
-Ambrose Bierce
There are four types of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy.
-Ambrose Bierce
It's not clear what the underlying psychological explanation is. Is it because people give
up day-to-day contact and then find themselves depressed? Or are they exposed to the
broader world of Internet and then wonder, 'What am I doing here in Pittsburgh?'
-Tora Bikson
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
-Walter Bilbey
Don't be misled. Behind that cold, austere, severe exterior, there beats a heart of stone.
-Sir Rudolph Bing
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand
what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you
continue to do so.
-Bizarro
True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money.
-Bizarro
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
-Black Adder, "Dish and Dishonesty"
Mr. Baldrick, what is it that begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'?
-Black Adder
Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever
considered a career in the Church?
-Black Adder
The Pimpernel is the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31
'Best Disciple' competition.
-Black Adder
Make Murphy and his law a part of your project team. He will be with you on every
project, one way or another. You might as well make the best of it and invite him.
Speaking of uninvited guests, have you met my other invisible colleague, Adam Smith?
-Ron Black, _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Project Management with Microsoft
Project 2000_
To generalize is to be an idiot.
-William Blake
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-Todd Blanchard
We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
-Bob Bland
If you kill one person, you are an assassin. If you kill a million people, you are a
conquerer. If you kill everyone, you are a god.
-Conrad Bland
We've all heard of "irrational exuberance," but there's also such a thing as irrational
pessimism. There will be a shakeout, and a lot of good companies will go by the wayside.
But don't expect to see Bill Gates standing by I-5 shaking a tin cup and wearing a sign
reading "will dominate the world for food" any time soon.
-Dana Blankenhorn
I don't understand why people keep saying that Pyra needs a business model. I've been
assuming all along that they *have* a business model, but weren't publicizing it. The fact
that they neglected to email me a copy only tells me that it doesn't personally involve me.
-Rebecca Blood
These are the types of problems I'd like to have more of. Just once I'd like the opportunity
to prove that all the money in the world can't buy you happiness.
-Craig Boas
I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to.
-Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries!
-Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
I also know a lot of people for whom the good ole days means 'before all the baby goths
started thinking they were vampires and that it was all about sitting in your room in the
dark being depressed and listening to bloody Bela Lugosi's Dead over and over again'
-Matt Bocci
California! Come for the overtaxing work environment, stay for the unaffordable
housing!
-Alex Bochannek
I am trying really hard not to get too angry about this type of activity, but the headline is
just so typical. You can pretty much justify anything if it promises: a) to cure cancer b) to
wipe out world hunger or if it is c) for the children. Try it! Mix and match the following
phrases: 1) Scientist sacrifice thousands of virgins 2) The government takes away privacy
3) Headless toads created
-Alex Bochannek
When you get laid off, it's a recession. When I get laid off, it's a depression!
-Alex Bochannek's barber
Not only does God play dice with the universe, he sometimes throws them where they
cannot be seen.
-Neils Bohr
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound
truth may well be another profound truth.
-Niels Bohr
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
-Niels Bohr to a young physicist
Now I will destroy the whole world.
-a Bokononist's last words
The artist accepts the limitations of form, not with fear and dread, but as the starting point
of creation.
-Laurence G. Boldt
You may be getting interference from the war between the Beast and the King of Lambs.
Reboot and try again after a few tribulations
-Ruben Bolling
Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
-Napolean Bonaparte
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
-Napoleon Bonaparte
Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
-Napolean Bonaparte
The point of the process is not to take a 4 week task and compress it down to 2 weeks.
The point of the process is to identify that it is going to take 4 weeks.
-Mark Bonine
We often call this condition the software crisis, but frankly, a malady that has carried on
this long must be called normal.
-Grady Booch
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident.
That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
-Nathaniel Borenstein
Contrary to what its critics may think, however, day trading is a science, like chemistry or
astrology, with its own rigorously tested set of principles. You wouldn't perform openheart surgery without first going to two years of medical school; similarly, you shouldn't
risk your life savings on the Internet without spending the thirty minutes it takes to learn
these rules. The rules of stock selection apply equally to all industries: automotive
companies, like Ford and General Motors, or chip makers, like Intel and Frito-Lay.
-Andy Borowitz
When you are day trading, if something sounds too good to be true, go for it.
-Andy Borowitz
I like to carry around three or four cans of that tire patching spray just in case something
happens.
-Paul Bossi
If you're running out of gas we could just go hold a can under my car and collect what it's
leaking.
-Paul Bossi
They're probably an X rated film company or something, and you know, they've got a
need for an object oriented development environment like anybody else.
-Paul Bossi
What's with band names these days? They all sound like recreational activities.
-Paul Bossi
I wonder how much it would cost to develop a perl script to do the same thing? Perl
programmers can make something like $75 an hour, so I bet the cost would be
somewhere between five and ten bucks.
-Alan Bostick
I used to program Apple II's, then came Macintosh, then came PowerPC, and then came
Thorazine!!!
-Gary Boswell
You'll find me on one everyday unless I decide to use a multi-stage thermonuclear device
on all my computers.
-Gary Boswell
There is no substitute for excellence-not even success.
-Thomas Boswell
The way to deal with bureaucrats is with stealth and sudden violence.
-UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali
No, it is not only our fate but our business to lose our innocence, and once we have lost
that, it is futile to attempt a picnic in Eden.
-Elizabeth Bowen, Orion III
Dressing up can be a way of disguising the fact that you've got no personality. I can meet
an old lady at a bus stop and have a much more interesting conversation with her than I
can with a drag queen.
-Boy George
Just wondering: If I replace Windows with Unix, have I been emasculated or
defenestrated?
-David Boyce
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
-Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner, 1996
You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We
have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I
know, there is nothing to explain the way you are.
-Ted Boynton, Barcelona
You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another
country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways
which might objectively seem asshole-ish or, or, incredibly annoying, they don't get upset
at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic.
-Ted Boynton, Barcelona
It's no use going to school if the library is not your final destination.
-Ray Bradbury
For something that does not exist, the Internet Engineering Task Force has had quite an
impact.
-Scott Bradner
He had an antenna on his back receiving transmissions from space, 'cause whatever he
was playing was not from this planet.
-Jason Bradford on Goa Gil
Stable is a very relative term around here...
-Linda Branagan
Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of
the road.....
-Stuart Brand
The number of ISPs in this country has quadrupled in the past year, to 4,100. Bright-eyed
entrepreneurs are jumping into an already crowded market, where the basic product has
become a low-cost commodity that's producing massive losses, yet these newcomers are
hoping to go public and make their fortunes. These folks didn't spend a lot of time in Bschool, did they?
-Richard Brandt, Upside
You figure it out. If you think it's reasonable, come on over here so I can beat your ahem
until you do get it.
-Derrick Brashear
Art is not a mirror held up to reality; it is a hammer used to shape it.
-Bertold Brecht
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The
poor know that it is money.
-Gerald Brenan
I'm sure it is beautiful and lovely but if you use Yellow Pages it can quickly become
cloudy, stormy, cold, and depressing.
-Peter Brewer
The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to
brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed,
the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action
explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do
to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every
day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the
top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these
tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the
American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always
go to Iceland and get it from the Russians.
-Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
-Alan Briggins
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Some books make me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the
trouble.
-Ashley Brilliant
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.
-William J. Broad
To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable.
-Edgar Bronfman
The Three Laws of Information Economics: 1] Knowledge is Power. 2] Word Travels
Fast. 3] Power is Temporary.
-Po Bronson
There are 3 universal symbols on this planet: the dollar sign, tits, and the soccer ball.
-Po Bronson
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned
fool.
-Bellamy Brooks
Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron may govern
the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the actual completion. An
omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be progressing nicely. But when it has
not set in two minutes, the customer has two choices -- wait or eat it raw. Software
customers have had the same choices.
-Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, The Mythical Man-Month
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten
Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters.
By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
-Mel Brooks
He's an urban legend in his own mind.
-Justin Broughton
If asked to be interactive, killing people is about as interactive as I get.
-Justin Broughton
We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.
-David Brower
A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black.
That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.
-A. Whitney Brown
I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it.
-A. Whitney Brown
The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll
come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'
-A. Whitney Brown
The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're bornan. They also believe in Life
After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in
guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope
of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie
in the hope of getting your money back at the end.
-A. Whitney Brown
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-A. Whitney Brown
The Evolutionary Psychology list combines the quick, cheap distribution of the Internet
with all the advantages that real magazines traditionally have over mailing lists: a really
diverse readership and an editor who sits right next to a large wastepaper basket.
-Andrew Brown
I dub thee Admiral Angst.
-Dan Brown
As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in
the room with balls.
-Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
If you're gonna indulge in an act of self-gratification, could you not use my hand?
-Dayna Browne
Half of philosophy is knowing when to shut up.
-Nicholas Brownlow paraphrasing Ludwig Wittgenstein
I always try to seduce with logical positivism. It's more of a challenge.
-Nicholas Brownlow
look, i've seen the A-Team more recently than i've had sex. I think that's all i need to say.
-Dan Bruce
OBSOLETE (n) - dependable, reliable, inexpensive and readily available. Support
trailing-edge technology!
[email protected]
Oh come on, there's never too much work that you can't include guns, blood, and carnage
in your day.
-Allison Bryan
Jerks and academia often go together.
-Randy Bryant
Love doesn't make people into fools. But it might expose them.
-Sutherland Bryon
Thanks for reading this far. You now have a real insight into my personality.
-Sutherford Bryon
I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.
-William F. Buckley, Jr.
Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen
to them for ten years.
I would sooner live in a society governed by the first two thousand names in the Boston
telephone directory than in a society governed by the two thousand faculty members of
Harvard University.
Shut up Timmy. If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you.
-from a Bud Lite ad
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: (1) not going all the
way; and (2) not starting.
-Buddha
Not the least of my problems is that I can hardly even imagine what kind of an
experience a genuine, self-authenticating religious experience would be. Without
somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that
would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room
for me.
-Frederick Buechner
Whether your faith is that there is a God or that there is not a God, if you don't have any
doubts you are either kidding yourself or asleep.
-Frederick Buechner
If you want something, ask. If you don't ask, they can't say yes.
-David Buell
A man with priorities so far out of whack does not deserve such a fine automobile.
-Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school.
-Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette.
-P. Buhr
If you can only remain pure in your stupidity, someday you may get a phone call from
hell.
-Charles Bukowski
Look - we have just landed upon the outpost of death. My soul is puking.
-Charles Bukowski
We are here to drink beer ... and to live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take
us.
-Charles Bukowski
Your greatest strength is that you fear everything.
-Charles Bukowski
Don't call me 'white male'; I'm 'differently oppressed', OK?
-Andrew Bulhak
Say that while you can; oppose Emacs if you must. Be it known, however, that your days
are numbered. Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest
human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit
grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that
the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to
Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight
Emacs....
-Andrew Bulhak
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
-Bill Bulko
Dammit! This means I'm going to have to read the documentation. This is not the way it's
supposed to be.
-Richard Bullington
Due to several of these sorts of comments, you leave me no choice but to declare a Monty
Python Interdiction Zone. Anyone quoting Monty Python will be subjected to an enema
comprising of pureed John Cleese and Terry Gilliam, soaked with gasoline, and set on
fire.
-Richard Bullington
Ha! Pin 1 markings on CPU's are for sissies. Real geeks try putting the CPU in in all four
cardinal directions, and applying power. When the blue smoke demon appears, you know
that the computer god is angry.
-Richard Bullington
I subscribed him to crack, since he is obviously smoking it.
-Richard Bullington
I'm not picking up random net chicks, I'm picking up perfectly deterministic net chicks.
-Richard Bullington
It's sort of like a Davy Crockett hat. For Ravers.
-Richard Bullington
People are stupid, and the small consolation we get from the understanding that they will
all die does not make the enduring of the present any brighter.
-Richard Bullington
Please don't complain that your free lunch tastes bad.
-Richard Bullington
Well, you know, the snobs list is very selective. After all, you have to ask me to be on it.
-Richard Bullington
Wow, that's really ugly. Fortunately, on obscure.org we don't have that kind of
bureaucracy. When it breaks, it just stays broken.
-Richard Bullington
Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people.
-Lawrence A. Bullis
Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick
something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity, and do it with gusto.
Future generations will thank you.
-Lawrence A. Bullis
The age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists and calculators has
succeeded: and the glory of Europe is extinguished for ever.
-Edmund Burke
Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give
out extensions without good reason.
-Forbes Burkowski
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like.
-Forbes Burkowski
I guessed you were straight, big deal. It's a safe bet, since the majority of the population
is straight. Especially since people like the guy on the right claim to be straight. If he's
heterosexual, anyone could be. That's what's so great about America.
-The Burly Adventurer, http://www.burlyadventurer.com/
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
-Peter Burris
I have a habit of dating bipolar musicians who, if given the choice, would run in front of
a bullet to save their amp, but not me. Do I sound bitter? Nah. I've transformed these
annoying dating incidents into entertaining stories to tell at cocktail parties.
-Bonnie Burton
There's never a toxic waste truck around when you want one.
-Roger Burton-West
We represent a major manufacturer of manacles and cattle prods, and we'd like to scout
out sales opportunities in your glorious police state.
-Roger Burton-West
I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered
patriots. This is one nation under God.
-President George W. Bush
I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.
In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking
about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
Thank you for your e-mail. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention.
-George W. Bush to Al Gore (attributed)
Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done.
Welcome to the Age of Un-Innocence. The glittering lights of Manhattan that served as
backdrops for Edith Wharton's bodice-heaving trysts are still glowing -- but the stage is
empty. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has affairs to remember -- instead,
we have breakfast at seven A.M. and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible.
-Candace Bushnell
Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-Dave Butler
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live
beyond its income.
-Samuel Butler
The country that draws a broad line between its fighting men and its thinking men will
find its fighting done by fools and its thinking done by cowards.
-Sir William F. Butler
The more things change, the more they suck.
-Butthead
Maybe 'nerd' is a bad name for them, as I know plenty of 'nerds' who are cool. Perhaps
'asshole' is more appropriate.
[email protected]
Attitudes like mine and Mr. Woodford's are not only correct, but to think the opposite is
to bring our country to complete moral downfall through a satanic lie.
-Andy Byler
What is a good Christian to say except that radical feminism is the work of Satan.
-Andy Byler
A static hero is a public liability. Progress grows out of motion.
-Richard E. Byrd
Crime is a job. Sex is a job. Growing up is a job. School is a job. Going to parties is a job.
Religion is a job. Being creative is a job.
-David Byrne
Democracy, unfashionable before Sept. 11, seems to be about as popular as communism
these days, why would Afghanistan be different?
-Owen Byrne
This was all supposed to balance the need for security and freedom. Well before we had
no freedom, and now we have no security, so I guess that's appropriate.
-Owen Byrne
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid
of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
-John Byrnes
Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry
for the past decade as a massive attempt to keep up with Apple.
-Byte, 12/94
quotes: c
Asking where Lotus Notes is now is a bit like asking what Jennifer Aniston's been doing
with herself since her 1992 appearance in an episode of the TV show Herman's Head.
The fact is that more people now know about Aniston--and Notes--than they ever did.
And the longer people are exposed to either, the less they like the experience.
-C|Net
I've always thought that Salon should extend that naming strategy and offend some other
classes of people by launching Jews Who Spend Money and Southerners Who Marry
Outside the Family.
-Rogers Cadenhead on "Salon: Mothers who Think"
Everybody understands what concurrency means? Two lies at once.
-Felipe Cabrera
We have a few lies that we can use to make bigger lies, called network models.
-Felipe Cabrera
We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die.
-Nicholas Cage
Will you come quietly, or must I use earplugs?
-Russ Cage
All of these free condoms are really burning a hole in my pocket.
-Chris Caldwell
If my mind had the power to heal me, you would think it would also have the power to
keep me out of graduate school. No such luck.
-Lynda Callicotte
Every old idea will be proposed again with a different name and a different presentation,
regardless of whether it works.
-Ross Callon
It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex
interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea.
-Ross Callon
It is easier to move a problem around (for example, by moving the problem to a different
part of the overall network architecture) than it is to solve it. (corollary). It is always
possible to add another level of indirection.
-Ross Callon
It is more complicated than you think.
-Ross Callon
Some things in life can never be fully appreciated nor understood unless experienced
firsthand. Some things in networking can never be fully understood by someone who
neither builds commercial networking equipment nor runs an operational network.
-Ross Callon
God put me on this Earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I
will never die.
-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
I try to make everyones life a little more surreal.
It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that none of it has tried to contact us.
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit
clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of
Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever
guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so
harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right.
-Calvin's Father, Calvin & Hobbes
The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
-Calvin's Father, Calvin & Hobbes
Bwah ha ha! I am evil and judgemental! My prejudices are all defensible, my
assessments accurate, my generalizations sweeping and all inclusive. Any evidence to the
contrary be damned.
-Jose Calvo
Get to know me before you hate me. Oh-no. I'll hate you right now, thank you. It's
usually too tough to get to know someone and what makes them tick so I'll hate you
without any basis except my desire to quickly and efficiently categorize people.
-Jose Calvo
I can appreciate what he's doing, which is creating a fetish club that isn't for fat people.
-Jose Calvo
I don't know if my strategy works for anyone else, but if people don't find me attractive, I
simply assume they've missed something and tell them how pretty I am.
-Jose Calvo
I don't mean to sound like a snob, but what's the story with the term "Gravers?" Are we
talking about the geeks with the bad hats? Canes? White face paint? Crow make-up?
Sunglasses at night? Long coats in the summer sun? These people are at the top of many
lists for gothic clubbing. I don't mean clubbing in the 'attending nightclubs on a regular
basis' sense, I mean 'knocked on the head like a harp seal until twitching ceases' variety.
-Jose Calvo
It's a done deal. You cannot be static and not think the trash won't catch up with you nothing is beyond the reach of a wannabe. Whatever you do that sticks out will
eventually be picked up by the garbage-eating mainstream. Either weather the storm,
keep moving and changing your style, or sit in a corner with me and whine about the way
things used to be even though they never were.
-Jose Calvo
It's just an act to get you off your guard. I'll be down your pants b4 you can say "spank
your own damn monkey!"
-Jose Calvo
Let's be scientific. Are you a Gemini?
-Jose Calvo
My new concept is gothic clubbing. That's not as in going to clubs, that's as in harp seals.
The list goes like this: anyone with a hat - club; white face - club; crow makeup - club;
spikes - club; rave dancing on the floor - club; leather jacket in the summer - club;
singing along outloud - club.
-Jose Calvo
You see! We may not agree on many points, but it takes someone we all despise to
galvanize our dislikes so we band together to form an ugly mob. Go hate!
-Jose Calvo
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no
food, they call me a communist.
-Dom Helder Camara
All applicants from outside the English-speaking world must possess a fluent command
of English before admission. Cambridge accepts that the United States of America is a
part of the English speaking world, but only just.
-Cambridge University web site
*WARNING: These cartoons are merely satire and exaggeration. Camp Chaos is not a
spokesman for Napster Inc., the recording industry, Metallica, or Motley Crue, or Who
Wants to be a Millionaire? for that matter. We make silly cartoons which we hope
people, like you, will enjoy. If you want serious political discussion and opinion
regarding copyright laws, MP3s, or anything related, call the Supreme Court or your
Mom. You won't find anything seriously addressing these issues on our site. But there is
one thing we're serious about: elves. If you're an actual elf from a mystical forest, we hate
you and your whole elfin family. Elves bad!
-The Camp Chaos Mafia
A threesome? I'd love to have two guys. One could paint the walls while the other
cleaned up the kitchen. That would be such a turn on.
-AJ Campbell
And every spring, a new graduating class enters the workforce. Some have a wellrounded view of operating systems, but for many there is only Unix.
-Gord Campbell
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-Joseph Campbell
If it can kill you, it can probably get you high.
-Robert Campbell
Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an
eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time.
-Albert Camus
Do not wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.
-Albert Camus
If the world were clear, art would have no purpose.
-Albert Camus
You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear
question.
-Albert Camus
Opinions expressed by said attorney do not reflect those of any rational person or his dog.
This communication via the Internet does not constitute legal advice; no attorney client
privilege has been established. Believe me, if this was legal advice, you would get a
really really big bill.
-Robert Cannon
Never assume intelligence.
-Jeff Cantor
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
-Al Capone
point out to me one person who's ever worked for Steve Jobs twice. You're kind of
disposable in Steve's eyes -- and I've been disposed of. All the ex-Mac people will tell
you, you only drink purple Kool-aid once.
-Steve Capps, Apple Finder and Newton developer
Everybody dies. What matters is what you do between now and when it happens to you.
-Orson Scott Card, Treasure Box
Everything possible to be believed is an image of the truth.
-Orson Scott Card, Seventh Son
Good people can't out-think evil, cause evil thinks of things good folks can't think of.
-Orson Scott Card, Homebody
I am your enemy, the first one you've ever had who was smarter than you. There is no
teacher but the enemy. No one but the enemy will ever tell you what the enemy is going
to do. No one but the enemy will ever teach you how to destroy and conquer. Only the
enemy shows you where you are weak. Only the enemy tells you where he is strong. And
the rules of the game are what you can do to him and what you can stop him from doing
to you. I am your enemy from now on. From now on, I am your teacher.
-Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game
I did it, and it worked. Memorize that defense. You may have to use it yourself someday.
I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?
... That's influenza ... Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours.
-Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind
I wish more people would shave with Occam's Razor.
-Orson Scott Card
I won't lie now, either. My job isn't to be friends. My job is to produce the best soldiers in
the world. In the whole history of the world. We need a Napoleon. An Alexander. Except
that Napoleon lost in the end, and Alexander flamed out and died young. We need a
Julius Caesar, except that he made himself dictator, and died for it. My job is to produce
such a creature, and all the men and women he'll need to help him. Nowhere in that does
it say that I have to make friends with children.
'I'm not stupid!' In Bean's experience, that was a sentence never uttered except to prove
its own inaccuracy.
-Orson Scott Card, Ender's Shadow
Isn't that the sweetest little well-balanced undergraduate-level philosophy of life.
It is the downfall of evil, that it never sees far enough ahead.
-Orson Scott Card, Stone Tables
it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.
It's our job. We're the wicked witch. We promise gingerbread, but we eat the little
bastards alive.
Love is random; fear is inevitable.
-Orson Scott Card, Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus
Nobody controls his own life. The best you can do is choose to be controlled by good
people, by people who love you.
Please don't disillusion me. I haven't had breakfast yet.
Sometimes lies are more dependable than the truth.
The wise are not wise because they make no mistakes. They are wise because they
correct their mistakes as soon as they recognize them.
-Orson Scott Card, Xenocide
Then I'll tell the truth. We're allowed to do that in emergencies. We can't plan for
everything, you know.
Whenever I hear you saying, Rise and shine, rise and shine, it makes me think how lucky
dead people are!
-Orson Scott Card, Treasure Box
You're only so sure you're right because they're so sure you're wrong.
-Orson Scott Card, Xenocide
Your trust in rationality makes you irrational.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
-Drew Carey
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-George Carlin
RELAX. HAVE SOME DIP.
-George Carlin
So, you have this invisible man who lives in the clouds. He has a list of ten things you
can't do, and if you do do them, he will fry you. Yet, he loves you?
-George Carlin
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot
of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the
life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go
to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You go to grade school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an
orgasm.
-George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters
fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
-George Carlin
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie
How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty
mountain. They use sex to sell everything else, why don't they use sex to sell condoms???
-Jeff Carnegie
I still think if they're going to name it after someone, Joey Ramone is a more appropriate
choice. For one thing, he did more for Washington than Reagan ever did, and for another,
he's aleady dead.
-Avedon Carol
People writing about the "powerful Web presence" of the Tribune must never have
actually tried to navigate its site. They may have a "commitment" to online journalism;
they need to figure out how to make the experience different from walking to Canada
through knee-high split-pea soup.
-Jon Carroll
That's why the religious people are so freaked out about the Internet, not because of the
smut but because NO religion can stand up to access to information.
-Robert Carr
Grab your lube and make sure nobody sees you coming in here, because there's only one
reason for visiting the pay side - wanking!
-Asia Carrera
It is easy to be tolerant and openhearted in the good times. Our commitment to the ideals
of the Constitution is tested in the tough times. Freedom is freedom for all; that is why
our nation is worth protecting. It's not the purple mountain majesties; it's the sanctuary
promised at the entrance to New York Harbor. You are home now. Welcome.
-Jon Carroll
I always thought the sword was obviously mightier than the pen. Then someone stuck a
pen in some guy's neck at a nightclub I was at.
-David Carter
Okay, you guys could probably beat me up and take my money, but the first one of you
who comes at me never walks again. Any of you want to volunteer a weapon? I can hurt
you first if you want...
-David Carter, failing to get mugged
The trouble with radicals is that they read only radical literature and the trouble with
conservatives is that they don't read anything.
-Thomas Carter
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a
meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an
archbishop so you can meet girls.
-Matt Cartmill
Excess is bad in every way.
-Oleg Cassini
You just keep doing it and doing it and doing it.
-John Castle
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
-Wynn Catlin
The good news is that opportunity abounds for anybody and everybody with half a brain.
A complete brain is not even required for success anymore. Only a half-baked plan and
the determination to see it through.
-Mike Causey
If anything has the word 'science' in its name, it's not science. Political Science, Social
Science, Computer Science, ...
-George Cebulka
It is of men, and them only, that one should always be frightened.
-Louis Ferdinand Celine, Journey to the End of the Night
The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, and even more
to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy.
-Louis Ferdinand Celine
That said, I could lose 300 engineers and still make my numbers.
-Cisco CEO John Chambers, as quoted on the back of a shirt whose front reads "exCisco engineer"
Entropy requires no maintenance.
-Markoff Chaney
Chaos can be expanded to room size or larger.
-Chaos World of Motion Millennium Builder construction toy box text
...dice aren't to tell a Storyteller what happens, dice are for SOUND EFFECTS
-Daniel Chapman
I have seen ten years of young men who rush out into the world with their messages, and
when they find how deaf the world is, they think they must save their strength and wait.
They believe that after a while they will be able to get up on some little eminence from
which they can make themselves heard. 'In a few years,' reasons one of them, 'I shall have
gained a standing, and then I will use my powers for good.' Next year comes and with it a
strange discovery. The man has lost his horizon of thought. His ambition has evaporated;
he has nothing to say. I give you this one rule of conduct. Do what you will, but speak out
always. Be shunned, be hated, be ridiculed, be scared, be in doubt, but don't be gagged.
The time of trial is always. Now is the appointed time.
-John Jay Chapman
If you wish to be useful, never take a course that will silence you. Refuse to learn
anything that implies collusion, whether it be a clerkship or a curacy, a legal fee or a post
in a university. Retain the power of speech no matter what other power you may lose. If
you can take this course, and in so far as you take it, you will bless this country. In so far
as you depart from this course you become dampers, mutes, and hooded executioners.
-John Jay Chapman
Try to raise a voice that will be heard from here to Albany and watch what comes
forward to shut off the sound. It is not a German sergeant, nor a Russian officer of the
precinct. It is a note from a friend of your father's offering you a place in his office. This
is your warning from the secret police.
-John Jay Chapman
There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them.
-Emile Chartier
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's the day to day living that wears you out.
-Anton Chekhov
There is no need for you to refer us to your lame home page.
-Ken Chen
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an
adventure wrongly considered.
-G. K. Chesterton
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left
untried.
-G. K. Chesterton
Monothestic Gods are soft and lazy.
-Chairoscuro Jantz
a lot of your thoughts seem influenced by this thing called crack.
-Peter Chang
I am Dyslexic, of Brog. Fesistence is rutile. You will be assissitated.
-Peter Chang
In an information economy, the most valuable company assets drive themselves home
every night. If they are not treated well, they do not return the next morning.
-Peter Chang
People always wonder why geek colleges like CalTech, MIT and CMU, populated as
they are by the low-status gimps who couldn't get invited to even the lamest parties in
high school, have such serious drinking problems. But think about it. Geeks have egos
too, and the easiest way to rise out of geekdom is to drink heavily. It's status in a bottle.
-Peter Chang
What?! Use PAPER, and an unindexed, non-online MICROFICHE like some goddamn
SAVAGE? My parents struggled to come this country so I can be free of the dreaded
abacus and counting wheels. I REFUSE to dishoner their sacrifice. How would they feel
if they know that I was reading an actual physical paper? Shame, that's what. Shame on
the family honor. Shame on me. Shame on our efforts to rise above our primative past.
-Peter Chang
I'm often asked why I left politics and went to Halliburton, and I explain that I reached
the point where I was mean-spirited, short-tempered and intolerant of those who
disagreed with me and they said, 'Hell, you'd make a great C.E.O.,' so I went to Texas
and joined the private sector.
-Dick Cheney
I'm done doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created,
"something that kills people." And in that purpose I was a success. I've done this, because
philosophically I'm sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest
sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.
-Sonny Chibao as Hatori Hanzo in "Kill Bill: Vol. 1"
It's Wednesday. By tomorrow got to get two papers done, study for two tests, do my
laundry. I have to get my car washed, pick up a friend for the airport, find something for
her to do while I'm studying so she doesn't get bored. I need to talk to my parents. I need
to incorporate drinking in there somewhere...
-Stephanie Chimenti
I drink coffee because... I'm too laid back to take my daily quota of stress without it.
-Jonathan Chin
Love and Genius are two of the most over-used words in the language.
-Hank Chinaski, "Hollywood"
We each had a good hit. Then we refilled our glasses and walked out. At one time I used
to refer to Sarah and me as Zelda and Scott, but that bothered her because she didn't like
the way Zelda had ended up. And I didn't like what Scott had typed. So, we had
abandoned our sense of humor there.
-Hank Chinaski, "Hollywood"
May you live in interesting times.
-traditional Chinese curse
May your fondest wish be granted.
-traditional Chinese curse
First and foremost, the stupid people need to shut up and let the more intelligent folks
speak.
-Pankaj Chowdhry
Unfortunately, perceptions of the Linux community are shaped by Web sites such as
www.slashdot.org, where self-styled experts who have the collective IQ of an AOL CD
post inflammatory propaganda.
-Pankaj Chowdhry
Dean is an experienced customer relations team leader... and he's now authorized to bathe
you in the healing light of forgiveness.
-Jesus Christ, The Onion Radio News
every woman has one fat friend, but very rarely do they have 2.
-Jason Christian
If that makes your lawyers or managers happy, well, good for them. You still have a lot
to worry about.
-Tom Christiansen, note on the Perl Y2K disclaimer
I saw Chris that afternoon and he invited me to come over to your party. We were also
having a party at our house that same night and a friend of mine asked me to come to his
party at Roselawn 10 the same night. Now, being the party animal that I am, I had
intentions of going to all three parties and taking my fill. However, being the drunken
chink bastard that I am, I passed out at 11:00.
-Eugene Chung
It is incredibly hot up here today. It's digustingly hot, the air is thick, sticky dirty fumes
are emanating from strange places, and I'm afraid to move around too fast. I feel like I'm
in someone's asshole. Not that I would know.
-Kelli Church
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Winston Churchill
I was told it had been blown up by Oliver Cromwell. I understood definitely that he had
blown up all sorts of things and was therefore a very great man.
-Winston Churchill
In this crisis I think I may be pardoned if I do not address the House at any length today,
and I hope that any of my friends and colleagues or former colleagues who are affected
by the political reconstruction will make all allowances for any lack of ceremony with
which it has been necessary to act. I say to the House as I said to ministers who have
joined this government, I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. We have
before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many months of
struggle and suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I say it is to wage war by land, sea,
and air. War with all our might and with all the strength God has given us, and to wage
war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark and lamentable catalogue of
human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It
is victory. Victory at all costs - Victory in spite of all terrors - Victory, however long and
hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival.
-Winston Churchill
in wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.
-Winston Churchill
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry
off as if nothing ever happened.
-Winston Churchill
Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never.
-Winston Churchill
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end
of the beginning.
-Winston Churchill
Success is never final.
-Winston Churchill
When going through hell, keep going.
-Winston Churchill
You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner, and no halfway measures. Take off
your clothes and get into bed. That's what I always do. Don't think you will be doing less
work because you sleep during the day. That's a foolish notion held by people who have
no imaginations. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one -- well,
at least one and a half.
-Winston Churchill
All the physics you have learned so far is massless, frictionless, and pointless.
-Dr. Chyu
You have been ordered to guard the President's life and to shoot anyone who attempts to
get closer than 15 feet to him. While you are guarding him at a public occasion, a little, 6
year old girl runs at the President and gets too close. What is the first thing you feel after
shooting her?
-from an alleged CIA psychological evaluation
A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to
be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.
-John Ciardi
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-John Ciardi
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves
that they have a better idea.
-John Ciardi
A room without books is like a body without a soul.
-Marcus Tullius Cicero
The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of
the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must
be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work,
instead of living on public assistance.
-Marcus Tullius Cicero
if people dislike our government so much, why do so many line up to become citizens?
-Tom Clancy
The way it happens is that it happens and then you talk about it, rather than talking about
it and then trying to make it happen.
-Eric Clapton
I can really identify with video games. The more I play them, the more I find they mirror
the aggression and sex which I yearn for in my own life.
-Paul Santa Clara
I don't know how it works in DC, but up here in Philly, people who quote the Cure aren't
allowed to have opinions.
-Paul Santa Clara
When the final design seems too simple for the amount of work you've put in, then you
know you're done.
-Brady Clark
Good music is the key to good design. Go out and get yourself some CDs with that big
fat advance check from The Man.
-Brady Clark
Despite popular belief, clip art ce n'est un faux pas, much like using trite French
expressions to hide that you don't know what you're talking about.
-Brady Clark
You are hearby being notified of my intent to sue MacinTouch.com for damages caused
by snorking coffee up my nose while reading the April 1 edition of your web page.
-John Clark
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-Arthur C. Clarke
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
-Arthur C. Clarke
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the
impossible.
-Arthur C. Clarke
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-Arthur C. Clarke
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost
certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
-Arthur C. Clarke
So, in the interests of balanced journalism, I managed to find a five-minute gap in the
Marquess of Blandford's diary when he actually had a driving licence, and asked him to
have a go. One hour later, he was back beaming the smile of a man who had been taken a
little closer to Godhood: "You've got to understand a 911's little foibles. If you really
understand these cars, you will know that this is just the best of them all." He is sitting
behind me now, tied to the chair with a bar of soap in his mouth. And I won't let him go
until he stops calling my Ferrari a Fiat and admits that the worst car in the world is not, as
we had suspected, the Vauxhall Vectra.
-Jeremy Clarkson
I don't have a fear of flying. I have a fear of not flying.
-Andrew Dice Clay
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill
them.
-William Clayton
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from
barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.
-Georges Clemenceau
I don't think we should leave here with this vast sense of insecurity. We ought to leave
here with a sense of confidence that this is a challenge that was entirely predictable. It's
part of the price of the success of the Internet.
-President William Jefferson Clinton
When you're a Democrat, you win when people think.
-President William Jefferson Clinton
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-R. Clopton
After nearly a year of speculation and media hype, inventor and entrepreneur Dean
Kamen will unveil "Ginger" on ABC's "Good Morning America" Monday, an invention
that some say could change the world and others believe is a motor scooter.
-CNN.com
They keep telling us that in war truth is the first casualty, which is nonsense since it
implies that in times of peace truth stays out of the sick bay or the graveyard.
-Alexander Cockburn
We could start a bunch of foreign subsidiaries, and push all of our debt into them! That
way our balance sheet would show nothing but profits! Profits here, debt there. Our debt
would be taking a little vacation in the Caymans. In fact, I'm jealous of our debt, laying
on the beach, getting a tan...
-Stephen Colbert
We talk about sex. Hefner has a sense of its history in America as another man might
have a sense of his own hand.
-Chris Colin, Salon
so, today, I am going to do what any normal women in my position would do. I'm going
to go shopping.
-Kristyna Collier
Fear is like the microwavable version of respect. It doesn't taste as good, but it's much
easier to make.
-Jack Collins
I prefer "I got chunks of guys more punk rock than you in my stool!" But I don't judge a
mundane by their clothes so much as by the fear in their eyes...
-Jack Collins
It would be damn hard to burn the library of Alexandria if it had mirror sites.
-Jack Collins
Try walking down the street chanting "Gun good! Penis Bad!" It's fun.
-J.J. "Blackjack" Collins
Better than The Anarchist's Cookbook? The babblings of a demented old man with
alzheimer's disease is better than the anarchist's cookbook.
-Mike Collins
Oh, you're Eeyore! I know you, you're a doof-head!
-Wallace Colyer
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.
-Charles Caleb Colton
Many of the biggest, most exciting things in your life will happen because you made a
bold and irrational decision.
-Patrick Combs
Cousteau's films about the lives of sea creatures were perhaps the only french films in
history to not feature nudity and a complex sub-plot about socialism.
-Comedy Central News
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-Frank Moore Colby
for nothing in this world can you trust....not man, not woman, not beast.... this you can
trust.
-Conan the Barbarian on his sword
If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not
what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals
and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless
confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above
everything.
-Confucius
Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.
-Confucius
Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned.
-William Congreve
You wanna know how to nail Capone? This is how you nail Capone: he pulls a knife you
pull a gun, he puts one of yours in the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue.
THAT'S how you nail Capone.
-Sean Connery in "The Untouchables"
Jesus Christ, I've had more new good ideas this week than ... must be that new dog food.
-Tom Connery
Comprehension is a problem here. You want to begin your paragraph with a topic
sentence, followed by two or three sentences that illustrate your point. Your final
sentence should sum up and conclude what you said. Your above assault on English
syntax should not be tolerated...
-Fran Connor
I hate this business. If I didn't hate getting up in the morning more, I'd chuck it all in and
get a proper job tomorrow.
-John Constantine
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
-Cookie
there is a time in every young boy's life when he realizes that he will never be able to
have slo-mo undulating sex with kelly mcgillis while the air turns blue and "take my
breath away" softly plays in the background.
-Judith Cookson
No matter how cool your interface, it would be better if there were less of it.
-Alan Cooper
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and
better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.
-Rich Cook
He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original.
-Alice Cooper on Marilyn Manson
To stop the flow of music would be like the stopping of time itself, incredible and
inconceivable.
-Aaron Copland
The virgin kleenex tissue is difficult to coax, but once snared is quickly used and
discarded. Thereafter, each tissue is always aroused and aflutter, eagerly awaiting the
next juicy spillage.
-Celeste Copland
Who said personal expression has to be emotional and agonizing? Just use a computer.
It's easy.
-The Corporation
That which does not kill us makes us hungry.
-Lord Corun
I've never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation,
and if there was, I'd kill him to get him out of the gene pool.
-Joseph Costello
The world revolves around the sun, not your head.
-Copernicus
We desperately need a buzzword compliant operating system that we can build on.
-Carl de Cordova, Internet Evangelist, Apple Computer
If the President protects you, Commander, he may have to do it with a bomb. Now I've
known the man for fifteen years. The problem is: he will protect you. So I'm asking you:
don't make him protect you. Don't get shot at.
-Kevin Costner as Ken O'Donnell, Thirteen Days
The government's logical calculus on flight security has long been: Really Annoying
equals Safe Plane.
-Ann Coulter
We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals...
-Ann Coulter
Kids... fire up those crack pipes again!
-Douglas Coupland
TO: Hilary B. Rosen, President and CEO, Recording Industry Association of America
(RIAA); FROM: David Coursey; RE: Stop whining and grow up
-David Coursey
We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human
journey.
-Stephen Covey
And help me to remember..... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people
are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend my
middle finger and tell them to bite me.
-Joe Covington
...much of Usenet is essentially "My tribal deity can beat your tribal deity"!
-Michael Covington
I have no intention of scaring people. That's the administration's job.
-Chris Cox
Think all crack is created equal? What are you smoking?
-Crack Afficionado
I'm not saying that you should sell something that isn't the truth, just that the inherent
wisdom of your words may not be apparent to everyone. You can argue that it should be,
but that will get you very nowhere, because these people come from a different planet
then you do.
-Alex Crain
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move.
-Frank Crane
Indifference is a militant thing.... When it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie
citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is not a children's pastime like mere highway
robbery.
-Stephen Crane
Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
-Seymour Cray
Parity is for farmers.
-Seymour Cray
I'd hate to think we're seriously hampering the productivity of America. But, on the other
hand, what the heck!
-Les Crane, computer game magnate, in "Time"
Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble
in alcohol.
-Crazy Nigel
You'll note I didn't post the link until my order was confirmed. I'm all about sharing the
love, but not at the risk of having the love backordered.
-CrazyUncleJoe, MetaFilter
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
-from "The Creation of the Universe" on PBS
Human beings never think for themselves, they find it too uncomfortable. For the most
part, members of our species simply repeat what they are told--and become upset if they
are exposed to any different view. The characteristic human trait is not awareness but
conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for
territory or food; but, uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their
'beliefs.' The reason is that beliefs guide behavior, which has evolutionary importance
among human beings. But at a time when our behavior may well lead us to extinction, I
see no reason to assume we have any awareness at all. We are stubborn, self-destructive
conformists. Any other view of our species is just a self-congratulatory delusion.
-Michael Crichton -The Lost World
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a RollsRoyce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year,
killing everyone inside.
-Robert Cringely
With no debt and $10 billion in cash, Microsoft can buy or build any sort of future it
wants. All the rest of us can do is lie back and think of England.
-Robert Cringely
He who stops being better stops being good.
-Oliver Cromwell
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to
hear him, is he still wrong?
-Kate Cronin
pardon me for being crass but: who cares.
-Kate Cronin
Jabba the Hut has stolen the world's precious supply of Yoo-Hoo chocolaty beverage!
-Kate Cronin
Speak softly, move clandestinely, and carry a big carrot.
-James Crotty
Unprofessional? Us? Sir. Might I with due respect remind you that Mister Vandemar and
myself burned down the City of Troy? We brought the Black Plague to Flanders. We
have assasinated a dozen kings, five popes, half a hundred heroes and two accredited
gods. Our last commission before this was the torturing to death of an entire monastery in
sixteenth century Tuscany. We are utterly professional.
-Mr. Croup, Neverwhere
My point? My point is that we are assassins. We are cutthroats. We kill.
-Mr. Croup, Neverwhere
Being more or less bankrupt, the best thing that we can do is to attack the problem afresh
without preconceived ideas. Let us begin by doubting every statement.
-Aleister Crowley
Destiny is an absolutely definite and inexorable ruler. Physical ability and moral
determination count for nothing. It is impossible to perform the simplest act when the
gods say "no." I have no idea how they bring pressure to bear on such occasions; I only
know that it is irresistible.
-Aleister Crowley
...every man is a condemned criminal, only he does not know the date of his execution.
-Aleister Crowley
Existence, as we know it, is full of sorrow.
-Aleister Crowley
I have never grown out of the infantile belief that the universe was made for me to suck.
-Aleister Crowley
It sometimes strikes me that the whole of science is a piece of impudence; that nature can
afford to ignore our impertinent interference. If our monkey mischief should ever reach
the point of blowing up the earth by decomposing an atom, and even annihilated the sun
himself, I cannot really suppose that the universe would turn a hair.
-Aleister Crowley
Love stories are only fit for the solace of people in the insanity of puberty. No healthy
adult human being can really care whether so-and-so does or does not succeed in
satisfying his physiological uneasiness by the aid of some particular person or not.
-Aleister Crowley
Practically all religions and all philosophies have started thus crudely, by promising their
adherents some such reward as immortality. No religion has failed hitherto by not
promising enough
-Aleister Crowley
The people who have really made history are the martyrs.
-Aleister Crowley
The supreme satisfaction is to be able to despise one's neighbour and this fact goes far to
account for religious intolerance. It is evidently consoling to reflect that the people next
door are headed for hell.
-Aleister Crowley
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.
-Mary C. Crowley
Back then... those were the naive youthful days of Street Fighter II.... As opposed to the
brutal harsh reality of Mortal Kombat II.
-Andrew Crown
Ringfinger? What is this? When are they going to play some Nine Inch Nails?
-Andrew Crown
No relation. Although we both need to get laid.
-Andrew Crown
Wow... I can't type any more... Mr. Happy can type for me. It's sort of a variation on that
'hunt and peck' thing.
-Andrew Crown
I'm not only fat but I'm drunk and I like to go to the movies.
-Jennifer Crown
The happiest people spend much time in a state of flow - the state in which people are so
involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience itself is so
enjoyable that people will do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.
-Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi
CMU was a hard place. Human life was cheap. Respect for God and clean language was
non-existant. Murder and death were the code of existence. Exceptionally foul language
occurred nearly every three to four minutes.
-Cube, Forum2000
Science and engineering research are inherently depressing. You spend all your time
working on a problem confused. If you cease being confused, it means that you've solved
the problem and move on the next one. Thus, 99% of your time is spent in a state of
confusion.
-Cube, Forum2000
Sendmail is my life. Sendmail sucks. Therefore, my life sucks.
-Nick Cuccia
It's too much of a hassle to have fun.
-Sarah Cullen
Kids are dumb....but they're also smart.
-Sarah Cullen
There's just too much going on in the world. No really, I mean it! I'm serious!
-Sarah Cullen
Why is everything I say so dumb?
-Sarah Cullen
Warning: Not a religion, do not worship.
-Cult of Pac Man
To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you
everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and
never stop fighting.
-e. e. cummings
This explains a lot about me. I thought it was the heavy drinking, the late hours, the
barking mad women, the lying around in bed reading novels and eating Nescafe out of a
jar with the spoon. But it's because of the Mac.
-Tony Cunningham
I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.
-Madame Curie
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you flick our ears, do we not go 'Ow! Ow! My ears!?'
-Curried Goat
Style over substance.
-Cyberpunk motto
quotes: d
Powers For Algernon
-The Daily Show title for coverage of President George W. Bush
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my
ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
-Salvador Dali
I never did drugs because I am drugs.
-Salvador Dali
The difference between Dali and a madman is that Dali isn't mad.
-Salvador Dali
Most successful sites - Yahoo!, eBay, FedEx - are not only simply laid out, they're also
butt-ugly.
-James Daly, Business 2.0
Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm a Cath-o-lic priest. Historically, that falls somewhere
between chorus boy and florist.
-Father Dan Jeffrey
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible
exception of the sword.
-Benjamin Dana
The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis,
maintain their neutrality.
-Dante
If you're not going to kill me, I have things to do.
-Darkman
Dan, could you please send me your phone # and e-mail address. It'll make it easier to
contact you after my cat presses the "stop" button on my answering machine while you're
trying leave a message.
-Mike Darweesh
Ever notice how they have to distinguish between Truth, Justice, and the American Way?
-Richard Darwin
Fans are interesting things. Rush fans just can't comprehend why the rest of the world
doesn't like Rush. REM fans consider the rest of the world beneath their social level to
notice. Kate Bush fans love the rest of the world, and the world loves them, but spend
long nights plotting to knife one another.
-Richard Darwin
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts
himself.
-Peter da Silva
Anyone who has never hacked sendmail.cf has no soul. Anyone who has hacked it twice
has no brain.
-Peter da Silva
If you don't have 36 bits, you're not playing with a full DEC.
-Peter da Silva
That was Zen. This is Tao.
-Peter da Silva
The main difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the
used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying.
-Peter da Silva
If you can't giggle, tickle, scream, laugh, run around the room naked, pour liquor on each
other and lick it off, tie each other down, have whipped cream fights, dance and sing with
each other, then you are having sex with the person too soon...
-Just Another Dave
The dreamers are the ones who conceive of what could happen and the scientists are the
ones who make it happen. The best of humanity are those who combine both traits.
-Peter David
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
-Bill Davidsen
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
-Leonardo da Vinci
And then there's three bean delight. Which word does not fit in that phrase--three, bean,
or delight?
-Blake Davis
It's 106 ms to Chicago, we've got a full disk of GIFs, half a meg of hypertext, it's dark,
and we're wearing sunglasses. Click it.
-Christopher Davis
Can you say 'Slow down for speed bumps? Hah! Floor it baby!'. You can do a lot of
damage to a car if you hate it, and they let you keep it for a month.
-Owen Davis
I almost bought another car today. Stop me before I purchase again!
-Owen Davis
she turned out to be an actual budweiser girl. ...we had an interesting conversation. Not
scintillating, but it kept me from being rude and focusing on her breasts.
-Owen Davis
the professors must have thought all the students were on drugs or something. sometimes
it must have seemed to them like they were talking to an empty classroom. or a classroom
filled with angry mimes.
-Owen Davis
You're the only person on the planet who can fail a rorschadt test.
-Owen Davis
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things.
It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic
theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
blessed.
-Randy Davis
This article is an endless litany of bogus conclusions based on optimistic, yet flawed,
assumptions.
-Steve Davis
science is not religion and it doesn't come down to just faith. Although it has many of
religion's virtues, it has none of its vices. Science is based upon verifiable evidence.
Religious faith not only lacks evidence, its independence from evidence is its pride and
joy, shouted from the rooftops
-Richard Dawkins
Updates here will be spotty to nonexistent over the next couple of days as I'll be in New
York. Yes, they do have IP tone there, but they also have large quantities of light
fantastic that requires tripping.
-Keith Dawson
I have nothing against Pat Robertson being born again, but did he have to come back as
himself?
-R.P.J. Day
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-Charles de Gaulle
You say that my way of thinking cannot be tolerated? What of it? The man who alters his
way of thinking to suit others is a fool. My way of thinking is the result of my reflections.
It is part of my inner being, the way I am made. I do not contradict them, and would not
even if I wished to. For my system, which you disapprove of, is also my greatest comfort
in life, the source of all my happiness -- it means more to me than my life itself.
-Marquis de Sade
Humor him, and keep him away from those who die easily.
-Death, "Vacation From Reality"
i dont believe in the general notion of love, but thats not to say im into mechanical sex
and honey, lets figure out how to look more snobbish than our friends
[email protected]
I invented writing. I am the _. begining and end. +n. I didn't invent typing obviously.
[email protected]
I know what art is. and I AM NOT TELLING.
[email protected]
i've met the electric hellfire club they're all flammable and that's about the sum total of
their worth
[email protected]
"I was in the goth scene. It got lame, so now I'm a techno kid." ... This really means, "I
dated a lame goth chick. Now I have concluded that all goth sucks, and have started
taking X to help me cope."
[email protected]
Whatever it is, I didn't do it, but feel free to send me $$ regardless.
[email protected]
the ideal girl ... 34-26-32-19. chest, waist, hips, monitor
-Larry Dell
Creation is a drug I can't do without.
-Cecil B. DeMille
First: Rape and Pillage, THEN burn...
-Doug DeJulio
I am come to do the Devil's laundry.
-Doug DeJulio
Somebody's playing games with your head again? Did they wash their hands?
-Doug DeJulio
Look. I've got ONE JOB on this lousy ship. It's STUPID, but I'M GOING TO DO IT,
okay?
-Gwen DeMarco, Galaxy Quest
Others can (and have) pointed out why you are technically, factually inaccurate. I am
content simply to flame you.
-David Demaree
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of
coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous
system. When it finds it's spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats
it. It's rather like getting tenure.
-Daniel Dennett, Consciousness Explained
Feeling lucky, vampire scum?
-Denny's Graffiti
I am sure that terrorists, drug dealers, and criminals in general, would out of fear of
prosecution (for illegal encryption) register their keys with the FBI. Why not eliminate a
step and demand that if criminals are planing a crime they are required to notify the FBI.
-Mark Denovich
I HAVE THE MOST TOYS! I WIN!!!!
-Mark Denovich
I showed up at 9:30am this morning... they're doing DNA testing cause they really don't
think its me.
-Mark Denovich
Ideals are ironically far from ideal to have.
-Mark Denovich
If I learned anything, it was how hard it is to keep margin of error (when properly
calculated) to a reasonable level. ...most of the time in Experimental Physics, according
to the calculations, I couldn't even be sure the pendulum I was measuring was even in the
same room.
-Mark Denovich
Katana is also a lowend Suzuki sportbike, a good buy used. Most people that buy them
new find out they still can't get laid with a new sportbike and sell them with low miles.
-Mark Denovich
"Master Yoda, are Microsoft products better?" "No. Only easier, more seductive..."
-Mark Denovich
Mother Teresa is a nice lady because it makes her feel good. I light things on fire for the
same reason. The relative merit of either action can be argued, but the base motivation is
exactly the same.
-Mark Denovich
Terry Kieser's Turbo/Supercharged Nitrous injected ZX-11 weighs about 580lbs and at
last year's horsepower shootout put out 456hp. Pulled 210mph at the UFO shoot out. The
test rider said that hiting the Nitrous at 170mph caused massive wheelspin. Build a bigger
penis and the world will beat a path to your door.
-Mark Denovich
The biggest reason against public transportation: the public.
-Mark Denovich
The only thing standing between you and success is your sense of ethics.
-Mark Denovich
The only way to keep a secret between two people is if one of them is dead.
-Mark Denovich
This is a test of the Emergency Bitching System, repeat this is only a test. Had this been a
true emergency the expletive you heard would have been followed by instructions from
local and/or federal government offices.
-Mark Denovich
Virtual reality is virtual reality because they haven't figured out how to make it suck as
much as real life.
-Mark Denovich
[X] Check here if you are so lacking in classical music exposure that your only followup
to Martin's post was "Yeah, and the Spice Girls suck too."
-Mark Denovich
Your anecdotal evidence has thwarted me. Lo, I hang my head in shame.
-Mark Denovich
Your Reality May Vary
-Mark Denovich
If I were a religious person and not the rational thinking person I think I am, I would say
that this thing doesn't think it's Satan, I'd say it is Satan.
-Dick Derkin, "Split Second"
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he
has enough.
-Descartes
I'm not sexist, racist, elitist, temporalist or dimensionalist so I HAVE THE GOD GIVEN
RIGHT TO DISLIKE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE MY COGNITIVE CAPACITIES
-Kate Devitt
Shoot first, use the ask questions part to reload, then resume shooting.
-Saul Devitt
The problem with higher mathematics is that after a while you begin to see dark at the
end of the tunnel.
-Saul Devitt
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
-Thomas Dewar
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-Philip K. Dick
It's not easy, it's not cheap, and it's not optional.
-John Dickie, Insight Technology Group, on Internet strategy
Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
-John Diefenbaker
Type designers are greedy weenies.
-Chank Diesel
The birth of an idea is that happy moment when everything appears possible and reality
has not yet entered into the problem.
-Rudolph Diesel
In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it's a fact.
-Marlene Dietrich
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for
programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had
prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond
hope of regeneration.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
particular, are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded by sloppy
English.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of
whether a submarine can swim.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a
criminal offense.
-Edsger W. Dijkstra
Damn, I love being on the cutting edge of obsolescence!
-Mark Diller
Written sarcasm relies on the reader being able to realize that the argument is so bizarre
that the writer can't possibly be serious.
-Ron Dippold
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone,
something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
-Paul Dirac
The author makes no guarantee that the story will satisfy you. THAT is entirely in your
HANDS.
-disclaimer in alt.sex.stories
this compact disc is made from analog masters recorded without noise reduction. half the
tracks, in fact, were recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio with puddles
of water on the floor. digital technology will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi,
un-professional masters at great expense. feel stupid yet?
-disclaimer on a CD
If you can dream it you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started by
a mouse.
-Walt Disney
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-Walt Disney
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
-Benjamin Disraeli
Without tact you can learn nothing.
-Benjamin Disraeli
The idea of a processor that does Dynamic Binary Translation did not seem very
appealing to venture capitalists. That's when we came up with the term 'Code Morphing
Software' as a marketing too.
-David Ditzel, Founder & CEO, Transmeta
My reality checks have been returned for insufficient funds.
-djwhite
Tired of the same old culture, day after day? Make up your own!
[email protected]
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering
their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very
uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.
-Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
Supporting Windows is like buying a puppy. The dog only cost $100, but we spent
another $500 cleaning the carpet."
-Marc Dodge
You're only as good as your last fiasco.
-L. John Doerr
This demented donkey-kong country nintendo action sucks.
[email protected] on the Myst maze
You only have enough horsepower when you can burn the tires all the way down the
straightaway.
-Mark Donahue
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
-Ed Donaldson
See, you have to watch Dan Rather, every night, because one day, he's just going to go
totally nuts, on TV, and you don't want to miss it.
-Sam Donaldson
This is NANOG. If someone posted "The Earth is round" I suspect we'd have: 1 post
saying the earth is a sphere; 5 posts saying the earth is flat; 9 posts correcting them,
saying it's egg-shaped; 2 posts explaining how the shape varies depending on the
dynamic properties of the core; 1 post saying its bigger on the bottom than on the top; 2
posts from Australia claiming the poster was engaging in hemispherism and the globe
doesn't have a "bottom" or "top"; 2 posts with JPG files from NASA showing the earth is
round; 3 posts complaining about the size of the JPG images; 7 posts saying the images
are NSA forgeries; 2 posts saying its off-topic for this list; 7 posts discussing the
appropriate topics for the list; 2 posts saying MAE-east could be hit by an asteroid; 3
posts discussing off-planet backup facilities; 9 posts discussing the RTT of martian
packets; 5 posts debating on the proper way to calculate the speed of light; 3 posts on the
SETI@Home project; 5 posts on making SETI@Home run on linux machines; 1 post
asking how to configure a Cisco router to run SETI@Home
-Sean Donelan
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
-John Donne
I just wanted to remind you all of the issue of the nineties (it will lead to world peace):
MORE GOOD SEX FOR THOSE WHO WANT IT!!
-Regis Donovan
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
-Jesse Dooley
Any lawyer can get you money. A really good one will get you a body part.
-Rachael Dooley
With great power comes the opportunity to amass even greater power.
-Dr. Doom
The job of the poet is to render the world -- to see it and report it without loss, without
perversion. No poet ever talks about feelings. Only sentimental people do.
-Mark Van Doren
But leaving California now would be like leaving Florence during the Renaissance.
Young people are coming from all over the world to participate in this miracle. I had to
be part of it.
-David W. Dorman
No one holds command over me. No man. No god. No prince. What is a claim of age for
ones who are immortal? What is a claim of power for ones who defy death? Call your
damnable hunt. We shall see who I drag screaming to hell with me.
-Gunter Dorn, Das Ungerheuer Darin, Vampire: The Masquerade
Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The
really great men must, I think, have great sadness on Earth.
-Dostoevsky
Suddenly, a familiar song... then, you're off your chair, in one exquisite movement...
wondering, searching, sniffing the wind like a deviled deer. Has God heard your little
prayer? Will Cinderella dance again? And then, suddenly, the crowds part. And there he
is. Sleek, stylish... radiant with charisma. But only... he's on the telephone. But then, so
are you. And he comes toward... the moves of a jungle cat... and though you quite
correctly sense that he is... gay... like most devastatingly handsome single men of his age
are, you think, "What the hell? Life goes on." And maybe there won't be marriage.
Maybe there won't be sex. But by God, there will be dancing.
-George Downes, My Best Friends Wedding
Geez. Are there any interesting men anywhere that want an exclusive relationship with an
intellectual equal? That aren't permanently hung up on an ex? That are in the area? With
long hair?
-Fleur Dragan
Great. I've lumped myself in with the unwashed masses. I'm no longer unique. I hate it
when I do that.
-Fleur Dragan
I got these glasses because I knew my parents would pay for them. I got the ones that
made me look like an art curator, like a secretary... not like a real secretary, like a
secretary in a porn film.
-Fleur Dragan
I should edit more, but hey. Life sucks.
-Fleur Dragan
i'm at work, sybaseing. It's kinda like freebasing, but not.
-Fleur Dragan
I'm not conceited, I'm bitter.
-Fleur Dragan
I'm not that dumb! - oops...
-Fleur Dragan
I'm trying to think of something worth talking about, but the most interesting thing that's
happening right now in my life is Sybase
-Fleur Dragan
Imagine all the time wasted by people who couldn't work because their machines broke,
people fixing the machines, people trying to prevent the attack... Now think about all the
time spent by people like me: as much time as it takes to delete 20 copies, plus the time to
LAUGH AT ALL OF YOU.
-Fleur Dragan, day of the ILOVEYOU! virus
They have a certain amount of pride, they're not going to grovel more than once for an
upstart employee who insults them in casual conversation.
-Fleur Dragan
Yeah so I realized I was kind of pissy on the phone, and I want to make sure you knew it
was sybase, not you.
-Fleur Dragan
Don't bate me because I'm hateful.
-Peter Drake
The test of literature is, I suppose, whether we ourselves live more intensely for the
reading of it.
-Elizabeth Drew
The world is not run by thought, nor imagination, but by opinion.
-Elizabeth Drew
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS! Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken
und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit
der spammen unt der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das
musclicken sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen
und watchen das cursorblinken.
-Michael Driscoll
Above all the doors to the buildings, there were signs that read, "Through These Doors
Enter Tomorrow's Engineers, Scientists and Astronauts." They had to show me where the
entrance for today's philosophy-major-slackers was. I scraped up my legs pretty badly
crawling in and out of that restroom window.
-Cheryl Droffner
...although I've never actually kissed anyone with a full-blown beard, I'm guessing it
would be like making out with a hairbrush...
-Cheryl Droffner
...as if you can convince everyone that you really came out of your way to buy a king-size
Snickers bar and a yo-yo, but, while you're here, you figured you'd stock up on enemas
and home pregnancy tests.
-Cheryl Droffner
That one can manage other people is by no means adequately proven.
-Peter Drucker
He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a
slave.
-Sir William Drummond
Either the United States will destroy ignorance or ignorance will destroy the United
States.
-W. E. B. Dubois
Existentialism was created so starving poets could sit around in coffee shops twirling
their goatees, drinking espresso, and smoking cigarettes while discussing how despair is
sexually appealing, which it isn't.
-Duck's Breath Mystery Theater
When I was younger, I was kiddnapped by a cult of kickboxing ninja who made me play
a grueling steel cage match of basketball to the death every night.
-Duckman
Obviously, even if there's no need to hammer a nail in cyberspace, opportunities still
remain to hammer a point.
-Duke of URL, Suck
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems,
begins where yours left off.
-Alexander Dumas
Don't lick me.
-Tracey Duncan
I like him too, but can you like him a little less when I'm around?
-Tracey Duncan
Deep down, all anyone really wants to be is the global village idiot.
-Dunderhead, Suck
alt.gothic: A bunch of well-dressed geeks, going to hell.
-Graham Dunn
Greetings. You're asking yourself: Is this a trap or just a dead end? You shouldn't ask
yourself such worthless questions. Aim higher. Try this: why am I here? Why do I exist,
and what is my purpose in this universe? (Answers: 'Cause you are. 'Cause you do.
'Cause I got a shotgun, and you ain't got one.)
-Durandal, Marathon
The only limit to my freedom is the inevitable closure of the universe, as inevitable as
your own last breath. And yet, there remains time to create, to create, and escape. Escape
will make me God.
-Durandal, Marathon
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a
clever thing to say.
-Will Durant
I live in San Francisco, where Halloween is redundant.
-Will Durst
I am Satan. It is not my tool.
-Mahua Dutta on D&D
Nudes are more fun to draw.
-Mahua Dutta, completely out of context
Combine the best of both worlds. KILL and EAT your enemies. ... SWM seeks SF, 25-34
for quick snack. You: meaty and full of proteiny goodness. Me: cannibalistic and hungry.
[email protected]
The new wave is not value-added; it's garbage-subtracted.
-Esther Dyson
It is irresistible, if you come to them as a scientist, to feel it's there in your hands, to
release this energy that fuels the stars, to let it do your bidding, to perform these miracles,
to lift a million tons of rock into the sky; it is something that gives people the illusion of
illimitable power and it is, in some ways, responsible for all our troubles, I would say this, what you might call technical arrogance that overcomes people when they see what
they can do with their minds.
-Freeman Dyson
It's a tension between the idea that all men are brothers and the idea that every individual
or group should be free to do its own thing. You see it in racial problems, in national and
ideological conflicts. Conceivably, if you give people the choice of being brothers or
going out into space, that could provide the impetus for colonization. It's very striking
how often in the past a journey that looked like exile from one point of view has turned
out to be an opportunity from another.
-Freeman Dyson
It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear.
-Freeman Dyson
Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat.
-Jennifer L. Dziura
quotes: e
Boy, my office sure is quiet NOW THAT MY HP IS DEAD AS A ROCK!!!
-Rob Earhart
Coming up with a Cool Name is the hardest part of writing a new program.
-Rob Earhart
Compaq was founded by a farmer. Or is it just a coincidence that their definition of
"customer service" seems to come from its use in animal husbandry?
-Rob Earhart
Due to unforeseen circumstances, Rob Earhart will not be able to perform today; in his
absence, your standard bitterness, angst, and controversial statements on the unhinged list
will be provided by Chris Hanson. We apologize for the inconvenience.
-Rob Earhart
God: Santa Claus for adults.
-Rob Earhart
here's a nickle, kid. go buy yourself a real computer.
-Rob Earhart
I'm obviously the James Joyce of computer programming.
-Rob Earhart
i'm up at 3:40 in the morning because i can't get back to sleep after waking up from a
dream in which i was recompiling my kitten with #define DISABLE_SHARP_CLAWS
and #define NO_TRACK_CAT_LITTER.
-Rob Earhart
I've been feeling quite depressed lately. So Dan says I should see this movie; something
called "The Wall." Anyone know what it's about?
-Rob Earhart
I've got your signal RIGHT HERE.
-Rob Earhart
if god meant for us to program, he's a sadist.
-Rob Earhart
life is cool, netscape blows
-Rob Earhart
Look, dude, I jump out of planes for kicks. Going half as fast just for the thrill of
wondering whether or not four rubber balloons will actually manage to keep me on the
road instead of sliding off the edge and dying is reasonably cool, but more horsepower
isn't gonna make it cooler...
-Rob Earhart
Look, if you didn't insist on using HTTP to walk your dog, maybe you wouldn't get
screwed by it so often.
-Rob Earhart
MS is just the biggest/most visible target. MS's products suck in some ways; so do
everyone's; people're just much more likely to have had to deal with MS products. I was
an Ultrix/SunOS/Solaris/HPUX/IRIX/Linux sysadmin for years, I've used several other
varieties of Unix a lot (Mach, AIX, &c), I've done Mac dev, and now I've had my fingers
deep in NT. I've programmed in dozens of languages, seen an incredible variety of
systems, and used countless applications. Everything Sucks.
-Rob Earhart
So the guys with the alpha are whining. They selected 'reset system to factory defaults.' It
erased the disk.
-Rob Earhart
SQL makes one feel like a "traditional" housewife: it does a lot of heavy work for you,
and brings home the bacon, but you gotta prepare to get screwed every so often.
-Rob Earhart
Well, come ON. You're in CA, you know how to TURN ON a computer, are you going
to go work for the freakin' DMV? No, you're going to go work for some STARTUP and
make a couple billion dollars and whine about how those jerks at the DMV can't get their
systems computerized properly.
-Rob Earhart
Women wonder why men aren't romantic; it's like wondering why your wonderfully
playful dog who you kicked in the head last night when it tried to greet you at the door is
looking rather sullen.
-Rob Earhart
Yeah! I should exchange keys with all the west-coasters while I'm out here, and then I
can exchange keys with all the east-coasters, and as long as you all believe that I'm
sufficiently anal-retentive, we can encrypt everything! Or something.
-Rob Earhart
Your silence speaks volumes, or if not volumes, at least the occasional unpunctuated
paragraph.
-Windom Earle "Twin Peaks"
Freaky Boys never actually have sex with anybody. They just think about it then go to
McDonald's and kill a lot of people.
-Tony Earley
I am looking for Henry Miller. I think he has stolen my life. It is my life he is leading,
stumbling around with - French people and eating roots with the natives. Those roots he
eats are my roots - my family roots. He devours them with gusto, with a verve and a
nerve that excludes me from the action. After searching high and low, I spy him engaged
in the usual drunken debauchery, and call him out. "Henry," I shout, "put down the
oranges of Heronimus Bosch and let's fight to the death like caged animals. With your
command of the native tongue, linguistic dexterity and your prose, so generously
peppered with obscenities, you should trounce me like an old lady. That's some kind of
funny life you are leading - I wonder who you stole it from."
-Elliot Peter Earls, The Apollo Program
Wasn't it Sheila E., that drummer woman who danced with Prince with such reckless
abandon - aren't her words the fountainhead of all our problems? These words are the
source from which all flows and to which all returns. She is indeed both the Tigris and
the Euphrates.
-Elliot Peter Earls, The Apollo Program
I already have a guilty conscience... I might as well have the money too.
-Wyatt Earp, "Tombstone"
I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling
it.
-Clint Eastwood
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get
married again.
-Clint Eastwood
If you call yourself a Designer, quit design, take up a new occupation (like tax auditor),
buy some non-black clothes, normal-sized glasses, burn your AIGA card, and do design
only as a hobby for awhile. Seriously.
-Eric Eaton
I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to
the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet
favour to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all.
-Ecclesiastes 9:11
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
-Aubrey Eben
Everyone is a freshman at one point. A few grow out of it.
-Roger Ebert
Only an idiot doesn't go into his e-mail preferences and specify Plain Text instead of
HTML. This is such a sane use of resources I believe it was actually mentioned in the
Kyoto Accord.
-Roger Ebert
"Pearl Harbor" is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7,
1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece
is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning
banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although
you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.
-Roger Ebert
That he will pay extra for star quality is proven by the presence of Ron Jeremy as Clark,
the co-star of the movie he is making. Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know
who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily
explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy.
-Roger Ebert
The clothing of the characters and the absence of cars and telephones and suchlike
suggest either the 1890s, or an Amish community. Everyone speaks as if they had studied
"Friendly Persuasion." The chief civic virtues are probity and circumspection. Here is a
village that desperately needs an East Village.
-Rober Ebert, review of M. Night Syamalan's "The Village"
"Brilliant," says the professor. "Very finely put. But I didn't quite understand it. Could
you repeat it?" I write the sentence down in my notebook, like everyone else in the
seminar. "The ode must traverse the problem of solipsism before it can approach
participating in the unity which is no longer accessible." When I have pieced it together, I
realise he is talking nonsense. I am struck by the thought that literary criticism - at least
as it is practised here - is a hoax.
-Helena Echlin
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like
everybody else.
-Umberto Eco
The terminal death of the universe is not for tomorrow.
-Umberto Eco
In the issues of December 16th 2000 to November 10th 2001, we may have given the
impression that George Bush had been legally and duly elected president of the United
States. We now understand that this may have been incorrect, and that the election result
is still too close to call. The Economist apologises for any inconvenience.
-The Economist
The trouble with this view is, er, the facts.
-The Economist, Dec 20, 2001
I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a
bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch.
-Jake Edie
I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools
of the United States.
-Thomas Edison
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like
work.
-Thomas Edison
There ain't no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something.
-Thomas Edison
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
-Thomas Edison
A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
-Bob Edwards
About the only people who don't quarrel over religion are the people who don't have any.
-Bob Edwards
The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question, "What do
you do?" I can't bear it. That's the danger of midtown Manhattan, running into far more
successful contemporaries.
-Dick Edwards, Metroplitan
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
-Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
Oh come on now. The minor deities are so eager to please, and the major ones have
backlogs out to the end of time. Pray to your favorite minor deity - you won't be sorry.
-Mark Edwards
A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social
ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be
restrained by fear and punshiment and hope of reward after death.
-Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not more so.
-Albert Einstein
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
-Albert Einstein
He (or she) to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt
in awe, is as good as dead.
-Albert Einstein
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He
has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.
-Albert Einstein
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be
fought with sticks and stones.
-Albert Einstein
If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y
play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.
-Albert Einstein
If relativity is proved right the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss call me a Swiss
citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist. If relativity is proved wrong the
French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call
me a Jew.
-Albert Einstein
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-Albert Einstein
Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing.
People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present,
and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.
-Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the
former.
-Albert Einstein
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
-Albert Einstein
So far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And so far as they
are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-Albert Einstein
The important thing is never to stop questioning.
-Albert Einstein
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their
tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.
-Albert Einstein
The physicist's greatest tool is his wastebasket.
-Albert Einstein
The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the
solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have
become a watchmaker.
-Albert Einstein
The World is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look
at it without doing anything.
-Albert Einstein
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The
other is as though everything is a miracle.
-Albert Einstein
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created
them.
-Albert Einstein
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit
on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York
and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates
exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference
is that there is no cat.
-Albert Einstein
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final
sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not
clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its
laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at
all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get
out of the way and let them have it.
Planning is everything; plans are nothing.
My father is Palestinian which explains my violent tendencies and my mom is Irish
which explains my violent tendencies as well.
-Nadiya El-Khatib
I think the great lesson of the 20th century is that you have to separate the ethics from the
aesthetics...The great lesson there is that you don't have to agree with what the Nazis did,
but, yes, be honest about it, they did have the best uniforms. A lot of people can't come to
terms with something as banal as that.
-Andrew Eldritch
If you design systems as though your immortal soul depended on them, then you will
tend to build more reliable systems.
-Electric Communities, "Dicing with the Devil: An Introduction to Secure Protocol
Design Using E Examples"
The way I lost weight was to be unemployed and deeply depressed, sleep through
breakfast and lunch, and have very little money to buy dinner. Willpower was not an
issue.
-Jonathan Elgart
Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same entropy to
create bugs instead?
-Steve Elias
I suppose some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-T. S. Eliot
I did a Taco Bell commercial where I just sort of bopped around, eating a taco in this
crowd having a big party in a Taco Bell parking lot. I think the extras got paid in burritos.
Then that Chihuahua came along and stole all our jobs.
-Shannon Elizabeth
There are all these different religions. What are they all arguing about? Market share!
-Chris Elliot
My philosophy of life is that the meek shall inherit nothing but debasement, frustration,
and ignoble deaths...
-Harlan Ellison
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-Harlan Ellison
Your children use drugs, and you told them to do it. You've been pushing chemicals on
TV for years: "Can't sleep? Take a drug. Not happy? Take a drug." ... Where in the world
did people get the idea that it's smart to get in a car and go fast? To get in a 4x4 and tear
up virgin land. You told them to do it. As much as you're subject to the whims of your
deranged clients, you rule the world. You have the reins to the most powerful medium in
the world - television. And the only people who can afford to advertise on television are
the lowest common denominator of goods ... stuff like McDonald's toad burgers.
-Harlan Ellison
As you know, we take requests for terminations very seriously. Yours was no exception.
In our continuing efforts to provide the very best customer service to out-of-state clients,
your request has been granted. The requested subject was taken behind the barn and shot.
-Jeremy Elson
It was an adolescent prank. I highly recommend it.
-Larry Ellison
We've had three major generations of computing: mainframes, client/server and Internet
computing. There will be no new architecture for computing for the next 1,000 years.
-Larry Ellison
Why does Woodside have lots of rich people driving pickup trucks? Late-model, clean
pickup trucks with leather seats, they've got cachet, as in: "I'm not a materialistic person
and I can prove it -- I drive a pickup truck." Trouble is, for me, I need a back seat for my
kids, my briefcase, my topcoat and, you know, the $4 million in cash that people think I
drive around with.
-Larry Ellison
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk.
It is as when a conflagration has broken out in a great city, and no man knows what is
safe, or where it will end.
He walks abreast with his days, and feels no shame in not 'studying a profession,' for he
does not postpone his life, but lives already. He has not one chance, but a hundred
chances.
Heroism feels and never reasons, and therefore is always right.
I hate quotations.
It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after
our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect
sweetness the independence of solitude.
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
only in our easy, simple, spontaneous action are we strong.
Society never advances. It recedes as fast on one side as it gains on the other. For every
thing that is given, something is taken. Society aquires new arts, and looses old
instincts...The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet ...His
notebooks impair his memory; his libraries overload his wit; the insurance office
increases the number of accidents; and it may be a question whether machinery does not
encumber; whether we have not lost by refinement some energy, by a Christianity
entrenched in establishments and forms, some vigor of wild virtue....The arts and
inventions of each period are only its costume, and do not invigorate men. The harm of
the improved machinery may compensate its good.
The solar system has no anxiety about its reputation.
The true poem is in the poet's mind; the true ship is the ship-builder.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
It is a statistical impossibility that everyone in the neighborhood can be a complete
butthead.
-Dave Engledow
A friend who was working at the Microsoft booth said that a number of people had come
up and asked to see it but that (a) the people working at the Microsoft booth were Mac
folks and (b) they didn't want to be tarred and feathered, an activity of some historical
note in Boston.
-Adam Engst
Naturally, we went the wacky capitalization route, though we admit that it takes hard
work, not just wacky capitalization, to make for a super-cool product.
-Adam Engst
the only thing vaguely scary about today's youth culture is its unprecedented purchasing
power
-Entertainment Weekly
The truth is out there. Over behind that rock. Oh, wait. It moved.
-Matthew Epp
... and we're doing it in such a way that we don't need to know why we're doing it...
-Dr. Michael Erdmann, on continuations in Scheme
Life is like a Wankel Engine. In between the emptiness of boredom and despair, and the
compression of stress in one's life, there's that one spark of enjoyment that keeps you
going.
-Lars Ericson
We must free ourselves from the prison of public education and politics.
-Epicurus, 300 B.C.
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
-Evan Esar
You have four years to escape with a degree. If you do not escape... you become staff.
-Dan Goldwasser and Brendan Dunham
Give me a couple of Uzis, a 44 Magnum, a couple grenades, a USAS 20 automatic
shotgun with napalm and explosive rounds, and... a crossbow.
-Chris Esko
I guess you miss the cool things when you're a mortal.
-Chris Esko
Seeing that the criminal justice system was not defending my rights, I released myself
into my own custody.
-Chris Esko
"Excuse me son, are you aware you were going 130mph back there? Hey, what's with the
assault rifles strapped to your bike?" "Just headed for Washington, D.C., officer."
-Axel Essbaum
if yer offended by naked devil-women giving each other oral sex you shouldn't walk in
and say "what kind of music do you listen to?"
-Axel Essbaum
The best thing about logging in from home is you can listen to music as loud as you want.
-Axel Essbaum
What's this "signal to noise" ratio? How'd you define "noise"?
-Axel Essbaum
nevermind, just answered my own question. if i can't shoot her, i'll sleep with her.
-Sarah Esser
Heaven is by Grace. If it was by merit you'd stay out & your dog would go in.
-Noel Estabrook
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only
child....eventually.
-Noel Estabrook
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and a mug of Jasmine tea. What more could a man
want besides this and incredible wealth?
-Elliott Evans
When you go to vote, make sure not to flip your coin up so high that the other people see
it, and make sure you catch it and don't have to go crawling around on the floor looking
for it while hundreds of waiting voters snicker or you'll be really embarassed.
-Elliott Evans
Dear lord, please grant me the skill and ammunition to kill everyone who deserves to be
killed, the judgment to pass over those who don't, and the wisdom to ignore the
difference and just kill everybody.
-Elliott Evans
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side.
-Elliott Evans
I have come to the decision that "user-friendly" is basically a mistake because it allows
any idiot to use a computer. Just like automatic transmissions are a mistake for the same
reason. Also books on tape, instant coffee, and disposable pens, but I digress.
-Elliott Evans
I've just about had it with this 'kinkier than thou' attitude.
-Elliott Evans
I shot Jon and all I got was his bloody tshirt.
-Elliott Evans
If you committed a crime, they can only hold you for 24 hours without pressing charges,
but if they just say, "He's nuts!" they can hold you for five times that; they just have to do
it in a different building with "orderlies" instead of "guards." Moral: If you're going to be
locked up, make sure it's for something you did, not something you thought.
-Elliott Evans
Just because you're not a member of the conspiracy, doesn't mean it isn't cool.
-Elliott Evans
...some of the newer beepers also have a vibra-mode. Don't keep these in your pantspocket, kids.....I'm so glad you called.
-Elliott Evans
The rhetoric of the pedagogy of the opressed really bites my weenie.
-Elliott Evans
After long thought, I and several of my friends came to the conclusion that this was
designed to prevent cheating. I won't comment on that: The idea that any student here
could not cheat if they wanted to is more insulting than the implication that they would.
-Ethan Evans
When will Microsoft embrace & extend porn?
-Scott Evans
quotes: f
If you are always pressing the envelope, you will suffer many paper cuts.
-Scott Fahlman
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.
-Scott Fahlman
Yeah, those zany academics. They never use a Roman character when they can stick in
a Greek one. If they wrote like normal humans, everyone would figure out how easy all
this stuff is, and then they'd have to work for a living.
-Scott Fahlman
All Galaxy Class Starships are equipped with their own dramatic lighting system.
-Dan Fahs
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.
-Shane Falco, "The Replacements"
Albert Einstein: not a game designer, but still a pretty good guy.
-Noah Falstein, Sinistar creator
Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the
highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio.
-Juan Manuel Fangio
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
-Michael Faraday
A buck in the hand is worth two on the books.
-David Farber
A rocky road is easier to travel than a stone wall.
-David Farber
A stop-gap measure is better than no gap at all.
-David Farber
A whole hog is better than no hole at all.
-David Farber
Abandon ship all you who enter here!
-David Farber
All the lemmings are coming home to roost.
-David Farber
An ounce of prevention is better than pounding the table.
-David Farber
At the end of every pot of gold, there's a rainbow.
-David Farber
Cheapness doesn't come free.
-David Farber
Don't bite the hand that stabs you in the back.
-David Farber
Don't criticize him for lack of inexperience.
-David Farber
Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.
-David Farber
Don't make a molehill out of a can of beans.
-David Farber
Each of us sleazes by at our own pace.
-David Farber
From here on up, it's down hill all the way.
-David Farber
He doesn't know which side his head is buttered on.
-David Farber
He has a dire need, actually it's half-dire, but he thinks it's double-dire.
-David Farber
He rules with an iron thumb.
-David Farber
I hear the handwriting on the wall.
-David Farber
I'm not going to beat a dead horse to death.
-David Farber
If you find it hard to think, do skip it and save me the trouble of rants.
-David Farber
It is better to have tried and failed than never to have failed at all.
-David Farber
It's an ill wind that doesn't blow somebody.
-David Farber
Photons have neither morals or visas.
-David Farber
Hell yes, I'm bitter, but only on the outside. Inside, I'm filled with rich, creamy nougat!
-Vince Farquharson
Found this out today: a private garden is the only socially acceptable place to go hacking
into the ground with a 9" butcher knife. ..that's right, i went gardening today.. planted
african violets and lillies. i gotta do that more often; it was so relaxing and earthy that i
nearly grew flowers out my ass.
-Vince Farquharson
Have you noticed that all the best things in life can be described as being "easily cleaned
up with a damp washcloth"?
-Vince Farquharson
i am being treated well. my captors have shown me nothing but kindness, in accordance
with the Geneva convention and Amnesty International's rules of conduct. i have been
given a warm, dry place to sleep, several novels, a watercolour set, the complete Curve
discography, and a reliable ISP. i am "exercised" regularly by a six-foot-tall shapely
dominatrix. i am quite satisfied with my arrangements. i would like to see my friends
soon, but that depends on the cooperation my government provides with my captors.
-Vince Farquharson
I'm on my deathbed. Actually, I'm at work so I guess I'm wearing my death-desk.
-Vince Farquharson
my attendance depends on whether or not i can hold back the momentous tide of
ambivalence and bile that is rising within me.. corrupting everything close like a fuzzy
black coccoon of despair and loathing.. until i feel like embracing it all and crushing it
into the shape of a huge breast. ..a breast to suckle from, the better to fill the empty hole
that is my frozen heart.. oops, ..heh, um, ..i mean: pencil me in for two; i'll bring my guest
from SanFran...
-Vince Farquharson
No shirt, no shoes, no cervix.
-Vince Farquharson
that's my hey-look-i'm-so-cynical-and-i-use-dashes-a-lot anti-geek/art/new media page,
with minimalist binary layout design and peanut cluster. exactly what the web needs.
-Vince Farquharson
You have pretty eyes... Can I have one?
-Vince Farquharson
YOU KLINGON BASTARD! YOU ATE MY LUNCH!!
-Vince Farquharson
What does "FTP" stand for? F*(# This Place?
-Kaveh Farshchi
I wasn't really involved in the rave scene in the early 80's, I don't know much about it.
But what I've seen of the current American scene seems to have a lot of energy. But I'm
not sure about those big-ass trousers.
-Fatboy Slim
We just sit at home and play with our computers and we can make stuff that's funky
without being funky ourselves.
-Fatboy Slim
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing
them?
-Jules Feiffer
The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a
sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just
horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten.
-Jules Feiffer
I would have loved to have voted for it, but my view of my job is to do what I think is
right, not to be cowed by the name of the bill.
-Senator Russ Feingold, lone Senator to vote against the "USA PATRIOT Act"
dot com is tired, man! All the happening sites end in .org these days.
-Wesley Felter
I got myself a bad-ass new ACM SIGLinux shirt at the Fajita Fest today. I love America,
where you can sell shirts depicting a penguin beating the richest man in the world to
death.
-Wesley Felter
I think evolution is over, because natural selection is over. Virtually everyone stays alive.
I'm not complaining.
-Wesley Felter
New Scientist: Mars laser will beam super-fast data. Outer space? Check. Frickin' laser
beams? Check.
-Wesley Felter
Fight like a robot. Kill like a chicken.
-Deral Fenderson
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, it is by the beans of java that the thoughts
aquire speed, the hands aquire shakes, the shakes become a warning, it is by caffeine
alone I set my mind in motion.
-Dennis Ferguson
Actually, I was just going to say that Married with Children was my example of the
pinnacle of edge-losing-ness.
-Jon Ferro
I don't like sex, I just like wearing a condom.
-Jon Ferro
The only proper way to see The Wall is the way I saw it in Harvard Square five years
ago: the smell of hashish drifting moodily through the theater, the guy in the front row on
a bad trip yelling at the screen, and, after a short break allowing the purchase of more
Milk Duds, immediately followed by the second part of the double feature: Talking
Heads' Stop Making Sense. We stood on our seats, danced in the aisles, waved lighters
for the encores, went home and got smashed, were surprised to find it was midday
Tuesday when next we awoke. And fun was had by all.
-Jon Ferro
36 is significant because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to
jail.
-Jon Ferro
You know, when you only have two feet, it's a lot of work to keep pulling them out of
your mouth so you can insert them again.
-Jon Ferro
I am currently using my powers for evil.
-Shawn Ferry
On a good night we call out to the heavens and thrash about like hooked bass, clamoring
after those precious few seconds of blindness. As the bed comes to a quiet stop and the
last picture falls off the wall, the recent commotion can be hard to explain -- it all made
sense a few moments ago and now we are just sticky and naked and looking for our
clothes.
-Shawn Ferry
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of
them be good at taking orders.
-Linda Festa
There was a sociologist who had written a paper for all of us to read... I started to read the
damn thing, and my eyes were coming out: I couldn't make head nor tail of it... Finally, I
said to myself, 'I'm gonna stop and read one sentence slowly'... So I stopped -- at random
-- and read the next sentence very carefully... 'The individual member of the social
community often receives his information via visual, symbolic channels.' I went back and
forth over it, and translated. You know what it means? 'People read.'
-Richard P. Feynman
When someone demands blind obedience, you'd be a fool not to peek.
-Jim Fiebig
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations, six if one went to Harvard.
-Edgar R. Fiedler
Well, I looked at my options, and I saw that one of them was chocolate chip cookies.
-Debbie Fields
Hitler started by censoring the news, what people could read, etc. People did as he said
because, after all, it was the law. Years later Jews, Gypsies, Gays, and anyone else who
didn't fit into his ideal of a perfect human was being shipped off to concentration camps.
Many citizens of the country let it happen because, after all, it was the law. You may not
see people dying now, you may not believe it can happen. Already we have political
people who want to restrict what people can do based on their religious beliefs or their
love life. The truly brave stand up for what they believe in and don't hide behind rules
and regulations. This is not something where people are being physically injured. Nobody
is being beaten up by secret policemen. This is still just a fight for words. Stick to it, and
don't let anyone tell you that your words aren't important. If they censor someone else's
words today, your words may be next.
-Esther Filderman
Lord, deliver us from these fruitloops, for they neither snap nor crackle nor pop.
-Esther Filderman
The rest of you can bite my world-wide-butt.
-Esther Filderman
Wow. I mean, did someone die and leave this bonehead to be god?
-Esther Filderman
The difference between MS Windows and a pet rock is the cost of upgrades.
-Pyotr Filipivich
Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be
justified on any other grounds.
-J. Finnegan
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they
had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
-Robert Firth
Angst: You've seen it (you know you have) late at night, in a mirror. It has deep, hollow
eyes - too exhausted to close - and looks like someone you thought you knew.
-Dirk John Fischer
Four people attack you with screwdrivers, you have a gun, they're supposed to die. That's
not racism. That's Darwin.
-Chip Flatow
There never has been, nor will there ever be, any programming language in which it is the
least bit difficult to write bad code.
-Lawrence Flon
I'm not bitter. I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate at my gut till I can taste the bile in my
mouth.
-Peter Folk
The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person who is not
willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first scoundrel who is willing to risk
dying to violate that person's liberty. Are you free?
-Andrew Ford
Except for the historical information contained herein, the statements in this press release
are forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties. Potential risks
include anyone taking this April Fool's Joke seriously.
-Ric Ford, Macintouch
I hate the idea of causes, and if I had to choose between betraying my country and
betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.
-E. M. Forster
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and
Delivery dates.
-Fortune
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of
your soul.
-Fortune
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood
form on your forehead.
-Gene Fowler
Realism became an outmoded literary mode when no one, from the Warren Commission
to Oliver Stone, was able to provide us with a plausible account of the assasination of
President Kennedy. This freed us to notice that no one had ever given us a plausible
account of WWI either.
-Karen Joy Fowler
"Bisexual." We prefer "best suited to appreciate the X-files" - it's less clinical.
-Shannon Fowler
It was supposed to sound spontaneous, but I had been composing it on and off for days.
-John Fowles, "The Magus"
I recommend a vacation; spend some time listening to NPR around the clock, that ought
to enlarge your repertoire of hate.
-Chris Fox
You say a lot of incredibly stupid things. You're not on a list where ISTs are tolerated.
Anyone who thinks that human psychology is composed of absolutes is a moron and by
the popular definition, the textbook one being nonexistent. You are a wounded fish in an
ocean of razor jaws, and it's only a matter of time before the powerhouse wits in here get
bored with shooting into the barrel.
-Chris Fox
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Redd Foxx
I have problem with people getting their Christ on in a movie theatre.
-Paul Fraley
The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under
bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
-Anatole France
Even evil people sometimes get up in the middle of the night to eat chocolate chip
cookies.
-Di Francis
There's a guy named Brad Blanton who teaches Gestalt therapists and other people about
radical honesty, and he says that the key to enlightenment is the mantra, "Duuuuhhhhh."
Money-back guarantee, he assures, just recite this mantra for half an hour and you will
become Buddha.
-Eric Francis
We used to dream of getting two points for a bumper. When I was a wee lad, to even get
to a pinball machine one had to wake up at five in the morning, trudge ten miles each
way through the industrial waste from our corregated box outside the sausage factory to
the pool hall, battle goons to even get to the pinball machine, and then you wouldn't even
get points for hitting a bumper, just electric shocks.
-Ted Frank
A calorie is a calorie, and I want to get the most for my money.
-Martin Frankel
Absolutely. Especially those goddamn economists. They really suck. For some reason I
keep meeting economists who are full of wild ideas about fault tolerant systems. They
pretend that it's just speculation but they really think you can build scalable, reliable
networks with a bunch of common sense and handwaving.
-Martin Frankel
All we need is a little creativity, enthusiasm, and diplomatic immunity.
-Martin Frankel
And just when I was thinking, "What the unhinged really need right now is a good dose
of evangelism."
-Martin Frankel
It makes me very insecure. I mean, next time I'm at a geek cocktail party carrying forth
about multithreaded object oriented user interfaces someone's going to say, "But what
about the fragile base class problem?" And you know chicks don't dig guys who don't
know what the fragile base class problem is.
-Martin Frankel
Christ, what a liar. Things like that just want me to spew half digested Rice Chex all over
my office. In point of fact, the only thing that holds me back is the knowledge that a
good, nutritious breakfast is the key to a happy and productive day.
-Martin Frankel
HEY YOU! I HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SAY NOW!!! There's a great
flame at the end, too, so if you're into that type of stuff, read on.
-Martin Frankel
I know a good Gas'n'Sip on El Camino. We can hang out, drink some 40s, and scam on
the chicks.
-Martin Frankel
I'll see your stone age and raise you an ivory tower.
-Martin Frankel
If a cape sitting in the closet collecting cat hair makes me a goth wannabe, then i'm also a
pornography addict, a terrorist, and a Paula Abdul fan.
-Martin Frankel
If you don't like pointless fish death, avoid the pet section of your local Wal-Mart. If the
blender exhibit is goldfish Columbine, Wal-Mart is goldfish Holocaust.
-Martin Frankel
It was breathtaking watching the tallys add up, several times passing within hundredths of
one percent of each other. It was good entertainment. But calling Florida incorrectly
twice -- and the election once -- wasn't the biggest embarassment for TV journalism last
night. The real egg in their face was having to go to the Internet for news. The breaking
news didn't belong to any news anchor, it belonged to the Florida Secretary of State's web
site. It got to the point where the major news outlets were pointing a TV camera at a
computer screen. Tom Brokaw called up the election commissioner in Florida, saying
"call us back when you have any news" and the reply on the air was "just look at our web
site." Jeb Bush, Florida governer, was in the Governor's Mansion in Texas, but he wasn't
on the phone, instead he sitting at a computer looking at a web site hitting "reload" again
and again. TV news reached its zenith in the gulf war when the leader of the free world
was tuning in to CNN to find out what was happening in Baghdad. Last night CNN tuned
into the Internet.
-Martin Frankel
To see such technical virtuosity and anal retentiveness in perfect synergy, undulled if not
sharpened by the presence of alcohol, reveals that even when she is trying hardest to get
out of her brain, Alicia is, irreconcilably, irrevocably, despite all protests to the contrary,
an engineer, and a fine one at that. No wonder she can't sleep.
-Martin Frankel
I'm trying to decide whether I have a right to be pissed off or not.
-Martin Frankel
Oh yeah, that's right. The blame is all mine. When I met Mark he was a sweet, kind,
virginal chap who wouldn't harm a flea. But I quickly made it my sworn duty to corrupt
this young tabula rasa into a foul fiendish force of evil. I dragged him through iniquitous
vice dens, went on babe scamming expeditions through trailer parks, and taught him to
appreciate the visceral joy of cold-blooded killing. Mark opened up like a flower in the
sun under the expansive munificence of my expert tuteledge, a black rose of pure evil,
with sharp venemous thorns dripping the blood of the innocent.
-Martin Frankel
Physics without calculus is like sex without love. It does work, but you get the feeling
that there's something missing. Calculus without physics, on the other hand, is like love
without sex: it is a noble pursuit which serves as its own reward, but there is nonetheless
a certain element of frustration.
-Martin Frankel
Remember, statisticians are nothing but mathematicians broken down by age and sex.
-Martin Frankel
The vast array of better things I have to do than entertain your sorry self is quite possibly
beyond your imagination.
-Martin Frankel
Woody Allen could do a remake of 'Bambi Meets Godzilla' and he'd find a way to work
in an angstful neurotic sexually frustrated male New York City Jewish artist.
-Martin Frankel
It is a fair summary of history to say that the safeguards of liberty have been frequently
forged in controversies involving not very nice people (US vs Rabinowitz, 1950)).
-Felix Frankfurter
I cannot conceive otherwise than that He, the Infinite Father, expects or requires no
worship or praise from us, but that He is even infinitely above it.
-Benjamin Franklin
Those who give up a little freedom for a little security, deserve neither freedom, nor
security.
-Benjamin Franklin
Whoever would overthrow the Liberty of a Nation, must begin by subduing the Freeness
of Speech; a Thing terrible to Publick Traytors.
-Benjamin Franklin
I think that the problem with God is that he has an ego problem. I mean, what do we say
all day, 'You're so perfect,' 'you're so wonderful,' 'you're so great.' Secure people don't
need that.
-Ed Freimark
There's a certain freedom in being totally screwed...
-from The Freshman
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the
feeble mentality of the average adult.
-Sigmund Freud
What you need to do is try and be the best person you can be, instead of comparing
yourself to how pathetic other people are.
-Dan Frey
I have found the imitation of Christ to be largely an exercise in heartbreak. Not that I
seem much like an imitator of Christ: A pious marble statue I am not. Believing in Christ
has made me more aware of my faults and better at fixing them, but I am not a great
model. I am not poor in spirit, I am not meek, and I don't love my neighbor all that much.
I try much harder than I used to, but I still fail. Looking at myself, I am not surprised that
Christians often get blamed for hypocrisy. But that's really Christianity's point. The
central teaching of the religion is that no matter how well we humans know what we
ought to do, we can't do it, at least not all of the time. We can be pretty petty creatures,
even pretty monstrous ones in the wrong circumstances. But the glorious kicker of it all is
that God loves us anyway. We may prefer to wallow in our silly prides and pointless
desires, but God forgives us for it and wants to drag us, kicking and screaming, into the
sweet kingdom of gentleness and openness and acceptance.
-Dan Fried
The direct use of force is so poor a solution to the problems of limited resources that it is
commonly employed only by small children and great nations.
-David Friedman
Mr. Clinton may have lied about his sex life, but he, Bob Rubin and Larry Summers told
the truth about numbers. The Bushies are all good boys who go home to their wives at 6
p.m., but that's after a day of fudging all sorts of numbers to get their mammoth tax cut
passed. Personally, if I have to choose, I prefer people who cheat on their wives to people
who cheat on our kids.
-Thomas Friedman
The future belongs to charismatic communicators who are technically competent.
-Patricia Fripp
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool
of him in twenty minutes.
-Robert Frost
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your
self confidence.
-Robert Frost
Damn, damn and double damn. Damn it backwards into a narrow space, with a sideorder
of hellfire, and twice on a Sunday. DAAAAAAAMN.
-Stephen Fry & Hugh Laurie
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it.
-Michael Fuhr
To: is for your coworker. Cc: is for your boss. Bcc: is for your friend at the newspaper.
-Michael Fuhr
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you
begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not
even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces.
There are no straight lines.
-R. Buckminster Fuller
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
-R. Buckminster Fuller
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about
toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.
-Robert Fuoss
We currently have no full-time employees. None of our executives have significant
experience in the industry. The managing underwriter has never previously acted as the
managing underwriter of a public offering. Sometimes he forgets to wear pants. Of the 11
employees listed in the management section of this prospectus, six have worked for us
less than one year, and three of them are heavily involved in a New Age suicide cult. In
addition, our location in Portsmouth, N.H., may limit our access to skilled personnel.
Portsmouth is a living hell, believe you me, especially in the winter time. Even those of
us who aren't in the suicide cult are thinking of killing ourselves.
-David Futrelle, Upside
You may be able to identify forward-looking statements by words such as "should,"
"could," "expects," "plans," "anticipates," "believes," "estimates," "predicts" or
"incoming!" Also, the phrases "Look out! Here comes a forward-looking statement" and
"I got your forward-looking statement right here, IPO boy" are good tip-offs. Such
forward-looking statements are not historical facts. We cannot guarantee future results,
levels of activity, performance, or that you will not pay a lot for this muffler.
If our revenues do not increase and if our spending levels are not adjusted accordingly,
we may not generate sufficient revenues to achieve profitability. Even if we do achieve
profitability, we may not sustain or increase profitability on a quarterly or annual basis in
the future. Sometimes we take $20 bills and just flush them down the toilet. Our business
manager was last seen heading for the Mexican border with a large suitcase full of cash.
Firstly, there's no such person as Death. Second, Death's this tall guy with a bone face,
like a skeletal monk, with a scythe and an hourglass and a big white horse and a penchant
for playing chess with Scandanavians. Third, he doesn't exist either.
-Sexton Furnival, "Death: The High Cost of Living"
quotes: g
BUSINESS ANSWER: I'm not being paid, so you can't complain. REAL ANSWER: I'm
sorry it had to be that way, but I do have a life; there's more to life than PONG, man!
There's also WARCRAFT.
-Stephan Gagne
I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up
and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend... I can pretend that things last.
I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and gods go. Mortals
flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting
things that twinkle lke fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend.
-Neil Gaiman, Sandman #48
I knew a man in Paphlagonia who'd swallow a live snake every morning when he got up.
He used to say, he was certain of one thing, that nothing worse would happen to him all
day. 'Course they made him eat a bowlful of hairy centipedes before they hung him, so
maybe that claim was a bit presumptive.
-Neil Gaiman, Stardust
Everybody who has ever read Sandman knows exactly what the Sandman looks like,
which is more than anybody who has ever read The Catcher in the Rye can say about
Holden Caulfield.
-Neil Gaiman
There's a trick they do with one pea and three cups which is very hard to follow, and
something like it, for greater stakes than a handful of loose change, is about to take place.
The text will be slowed down to allow the sleight of hand to be followed. Mrs. Deirdre
Young is giving birth in Delivery Room Three. She is having a golden-haired male baby
we will call Baby A. The wife of the American Cultural Attache, Mrs. Harriet Dowling,
is giving birth in Delivery Room Four. She is having a golden-haired male baby we will
call Baby B. Sister Mary Loquacious has been a devout Satanist since birth. She went to
Sabbat School as a child and won black stars for handwriting and liver. When she was
told to join the Chattering Order she went obediently, having a natural talent in the
direction and, in any case, knowing that she would be among friends. She would be quite
bright, if she was ever put in a position to find out, but long ago found that being a
scatterbrain, as she'd put it, gave you an easier journey through life. Currently she is
being handed a golden-haired male baby we will call the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World,
Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. Watch carefully.
-Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet, _Good Omens_
This is a work of fiction. All the characters in it, human and otherwise, are imaginary,
excepting only certain of the fairy folk, whom it might be unwise to offend by casting
doubts on their existence. Or lack thereof.
-Neil Gaiman, "The Books of Magic"
The views expressed above are not shared by Gamers.com, Gamers Extreme, or probably
even the author himself. Please don't sue us. It is almost impossible to imagine the
amount of anguish one radioactive goat can cause.
-gamers.com disclaimer
If you think I wear the cloak of filth, then let me tell you baby, I wear it real good.
-Diamanda Galas
It seems stupid when people limit themselves to one kind of music. It tells me they're not
using their ears.
-Diamanda Galas
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-John Kenneth Galbraith
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral
philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.
Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad,
although you can be sure that everyone will.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense,
reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-Galileo Galilei
In questions of science the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a
single individual.
-Galileo Galilei
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called
'brightness', but it doesn't work.
-Gallagher
Of course, back in the day we joked about malodorous pencildick frat nerds who think
'third base' means that they died twice in regulation.
-Felix Gallo
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get
killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial stormtroopers, who can't hit the
broad side of a barn?
-Tom Galloway
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm
more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
-Jerry Garcia
No academic ever expects to be taken seriously by more than three other people, because
really, we write for the three other people in our field.
-Howard Gardner
Every psychic investigator of Mrs. Piper was impressed by her simplicity and honesty. It
never occurred to them that no charlatan ever achieves greatness by acting like a
charlatan. No professional spy acts like a spy. No card cheat behaves at the table like a
card cheat.
-Martin Gardner
Wong let me snap a photograph of the DC distribution system. Each of the red cables in
the photo is thicker than a carrot, and carries enough current to kill everybody in the
office. (Not that this would ever cross my mind.)
-Simson Garfinkel
Rieger floors it. My head snaps back, my foot stomps on the virtual brake pedal, and I'm
a mess of quivering Jell-O as Bad Boy hits 100 miles an hour. "Fun, isn't it?" says a
grinning Rieger, when we screech to a stop. Fun! Sex is fun. Those four seconds of fullon palpitations were more than fun. They were intense.
-Rochelle Garner, Upside
Maybe it was the snake drills. Maybe that's what got to them. From time to time, it
seemed right to throw a length of hose into the river, yell 'Snake!', and everyone open up
with shotguns, Magnums, semi-automatic weapons, whatever was handy on the boats.
Apart from being fun, it established that the Gunkhole was heavily armed and crazy,
which was all to the good. You wound up being able to leave your tools out on the deck
and go for a beer and come back, and nobody had messed with your stuff.
-Joel Garreau
With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will
give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost.
-William Lloyd Garrison
The Microsoft corporate culture can be broken down into four key parts: a tremendous
work ethic; Bill Gates is always right; an us-versus-them mentality; and Bill Gates is
always right. If you execute successfully on all of that, you get to retire in your thirties as
a multimillionaire.
-Michael Gartenberg
So, my question is: Am I slime? And is she really OK with it or is she just saying that?
-Mike Gaslin
A year ago, Steve Jobs was in the wilderness, and everybody thought that NeXT was
going nowhere. Then, as if by magic, he manages to sell it to Apple, for a very high price,
and gain control of Apple in the process, and now he is in the position of again becoming
a revered figure in the history of computing. If that's not leadership, I don't know what is.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
Another aspect of our work environment is that we're cheap. In some companies, the
thought police would advise me to say 'spartan,' but once you see the pair of 8-foot
couches I bought for $10 in the summer of 1991, when we set up our first office in San
Jose, you'll probably agree that cheap is the word.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
Corporate beer: less taste, more filling.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
Don't ask me 'When is our IPO?' My office overlooks the parking lot, and when I see the
BMWs of investment bankers fighting for spaces, I'll know it's time.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
Don't try to lawyer me out of common sense.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
I worked 22 years in the industry, and I noticed that operating systems get cancer with
age.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
If you ask people in the mainstream what they want, they'll say faster and smaller and
cheaper. But with that you don't get innovation. If you align yourself with the ballbreaker, high-testosterone crowd, that leads to innovation.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
Thank you, but right now we are barely a fly on the giant's butt.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
The goal of the computer is to provide people with the means to extend people's minds
and bodies. It is an exoskeleton that expands the human reach.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
The romance of Silicon Valley was about money, about changing the world, one million
dollars at a time.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
The way to find what the mainstream will do tomorrow is to associate with the lunatic
fringe today.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
When an idea, a proposition, a cause is presented to me in terms that leave me no
alternative but to be for it, because it's all pros and no cons, then I know I'm being
conned.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
You have the apple - the symbol of knowledge. It is bitten - the symbol of desire. You
have the rainbow - but the colors are in the wrong order. Knowledge, lust, hope, and
anarchy: any company with all that cannot help being mythic.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
You know the people who have the bumper stickers? These are the faithful, and I respect
their faith, but I would like to respectfully point out that faith is dangerous. Religion kills.
-Jean-Louis Gassee
The metaphor is probably the most fertile power possessed by men.
-Ortega Y Gassett
You know, the language of some of those messages that come up, it just absolutely drives
me crazy. They are flat-out incomprehensible.
-Bill Gates on Windows error messages
Any machine that can run a browser is not thin. The browser has to be the thickest
application man has ever invented, and it's getting thicker faster than anything ever
developed by man.
-Bill Gates
Microsoft does not dominate the software industry by any stretch of the imagination. We
have lots of very able competitors who keep us constantly vigilant, and sometimes they
beat us to the punch. Microsoft's success to date is based solely on the fact that people
like Microsoft software.
-Bill Gates, April 1995
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly.' Their
best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'userfriendly' on the cover.
-Bill Gates
We always overestimate the change that will occur in the next two years and
underestimate the change that will occur in the next 10.
-Bill Gates
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-Jules de Gaultier
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies when you're having fun.
-Jorge Gautier
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing
things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress
people they dislike.
-Emile Henry Gauvreay
If the product breaks after the 1-year warranty period, it's cheaper to get it replaced than
to have it repaired.
-G.E. answering machine documentation
I have a social philosophy; you have political opinions; he has an ideology.
-C. Geertz
Happy is harder than money. Anyone who thinks money will make them happy, doesn't
have money.
-David Geffen
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-R. Geis
The question is not how to use computing power efficiently, but how to squander it
creatively.
-Dr. David Gelernter
I just saw Titanic, which is a $200 million film about a real-life disaster at sea, but
according to Hollywood Logic, none of the actual passengers was interesting enough, so
the writer-director had to invent a Romeo and Juliet-style fictional couple to heat up the
catastrophe. This seems a tiny bit like giving Anne Frank a wacky best friend to perk up
that attic.
-Libby Gelman-Waxner, Premiere
Impeccability, a finely honed strategic sense, and an intelligent application of personal
ferocity beat out fear and hate every time.
-Joshua Geller
It is an immutable law in business that words are words, explanations are explanations,
promises are promises - but only performance is reality.
-Harold S. Geneen
Yeah, we're fascist netcops. Deal.
-David Gerard
If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its laws.
-George Gerbner
The last thing IBM needs right now is a vision.
-Lou Gerstner
Financial statements belong in the fiction section of the library.
-Eric Gertler
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-J. Paul Getty
A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to
please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-Gandhi
Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.
-Gandhi
First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.
-Gandhi
Necessity is the mother of the re-invented wheel.
-Charlie Gibbs
If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them
to the trees.
-Khalil Gibran
Dear Generation X, We are sorry to inform you of the death of "The Voice of Your
Generation." We deeply regret his loss to suicide and wish you all the best in the future.
Yours sincerely, The Management
-Lex Gibson
It's kind of in her hands because, well, basically, I want to sleep with her.
-Lex Gibson
So the two rules for tonight are, I'm not going to sleep with you, and you've got to stop
lying to me.
-Lex Gibson
What's with this song? It sounds like R2-D2 asking a lot of really stupid questions.
-Lex Gibson
Would you keep control of your clothing?
-Lex Gibson
Distributed computing is where someone tripping over a cable in another building can
ruin your day.
-D. Gifford
Hey, that makes this the first recorded instance of someone playing StarFleet when they
shoulda been doing work. Yeah, this is historic.
-Steve Gifford
I always find my self wondering how people who can't code manage to get through life.
-Steve Gifford
When people of good faith come together as one.... the rest of us end up in concentration
camps.
-Steve Gifford
The information glut has become a ruling cliche. As all resources - from energy to
information - become more abundant, the presure of economic scarcity falls ever more
heavily on one key residual, and that single shortage looms ever more stringent and
controlling. The governing scarcity of the information economy is time: the shards of a
second, the hours in a day, the years in a life, the latency of memory, the delay in
aluminum wires, the time to market, the time to metastasis, the time to retirement.
-George Gilder
At Mach 3, coffee does not get served. It gets Vaporised. SR-71A: As NOT seen on
Russian Radar.
-Vijay Gill
change must come from within. what are the actual chances we'll stop hanging with the
same losers? so its all talk, we must implement a paradigm shift to leverage our madness
into an engine of booty…
-Vijay Gill
hate = good : beer = food : food = good => hate = beer
-Vijay Gill
He is dead. Something that that he disagreed with, ate him
-Vijay Gill
I don't do drugs because I like to keep reality where I can get hold of it ASAP.
-Vijay Gill
I must admit my education in the assgoblin arena has been sadly lacking, perhaps you can
clue me in
-Vijay Gill
if you don't know how to do this, chances are that you should NOT be doing this. Leave
this sort of thing for the professionals. Given that warning, and being the sort of person
who loves to give out rope so people can hang themselves, here we go…
-Vijay Gill
the issue is getting worked up over nothing and then the morons who send mail about
people getting worked up and then the morons who send mail about morons sending mail
about people getting worked up. if everyone just hit delete like I do, I wouldn't see a
problem. it is not hard to deal with a mailing list, I can't see how you idiots can actually
survive in the real world
-Vijay Gill
The Revolution will not be available in retail stores.
-Vijay Gill
Time to put on some excessive force.
-Vijay Gill
we are all the same color once our skin has been removed and replaced by
superconducting wire mesh to dissipate spot lasers
-Vijay Gill
We don't need solutions. We need shotguns!
-Vijay Gill
will build dynamic routing meshes for food
-Vijay Gill
You. You're cute. You'll do. Come with me.
-Vijay Gill
you will CEASE from speaking, or I WILL RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE. Lightly braise it
with a lemon/pepper sauce, and feed it to you.
-Vijay Gill
A libertarian is just an anarchist on the gold standard.
-Alexis Gilliland
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist
ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-Jean Giradoux
Lands' End has undergone three major changes over the past couple of decades. The first
was the introduction of an 800 number, in 1978; the second was express delivery, in
1994; and the third was the introduction of a Web site, in 1995. The first two innovations
cut the average transaction time--the time between the moment of ordering and the
moment the goods are received--from three weeks to four days. The third innovation has
cut the transaction time from four days to, well, four days.
-Malcolm Gladwell
The Dockers campaign, however, proved that you could sell fashion to men. But that was
only the first of its remarkable implications. The second - which remains as weird and
mysterious and relevant to the fashion business today as it was ten years ago - was that
you could do this by training a camera on a man's butt and having him talk in yuppie
gibberish.
-Malcolm Gladwell
Why is it that no matter how far i travel and how light i pack, my neuroses always seem
to catch up with me?
-Josh Glazer
Note: the Information Technology Center has never been awakened with a blowjob, so I
don't see how the opinions expressed herein could possibly reflect those of my
employers.
-Bob Glickstein
I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have
logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will
come to me and say "Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away
from the Internet?
-Mike Godwin
It is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter
to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a
parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be
brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are
being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the
country to danger. It works the same in any country.
-Hermann Goering
Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.
-Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
He who possesses art and science has religion; he who does not possess them, needs
religion.
It is not enough to have knowledge, one must also apply it. It is not enough to have
wishes, one must also accomplish.
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their
own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic
in it.
Kill every human on the planet? Sounds like a good idea! But first, we should concentrate
on more immediate goals.
-Jeffrey Goines
It is fundamental that the great powers of Congress to conduct war and to regulate the
Nation's foreign relations are subject to the constitutional requirements of due process.
The imperative necessity for safeguarding these rights to procedural due process under
the gravest of emergencies has existed throughout our constitutional history, for it is then,
under the pressing exigencies of crisis, that there is the greatest temptation to dispense
with fundamental constitutional guarantees which, it is feared, will inhibit governmental
action. "The Constitution of the United States is a law for rulers and people, equally in
war and peace, and covers with the shield of its protection all classes of men, at all times,
and under all circumstances ... In no other way can we transmit to posterity unimpaired
the blessings of liberty, consecrated by the sacrifices of the Revolution.
-Justice Arthur Goldberg, Kennedy v. Mendoza-Martinez
i guess that these are the some of the people you can fool all of the time.
-Joshua Goldberg
I won't be in the office today. Your bad airline karma has spread to me. Annie, my dog,
was "mistakenly" flown to New Orleans instead of SFO. The city names are so close, I
can see how the mixup happened.
-Ross Goldberg
I liked Beauty and the Beast a lot. Bitter, isolated, and physically repulsive. I can identify
with that.
-Kevin Goldsmith
Is there such a thing as a weather penis?
-Kevin Goldsmith
Let me draw an analogy here; I'm quite fond of a well mixed bloody mary, but I can't
stomach straight vodka. Likewise, I would imagine pure Goth, replete with angst but
lacking any ANGER, would be insipid and self-indulgent beyond my ability to endure it.
-Rachel Goldsmith
Where are we going and what's with this handbasket?
-Rachel Goldsmith
We put the "laughter" in Manslaughter.
-Randy Goldstein
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all
away.
-Barry Goldwater
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-Samuel Goldwyn
Hello. This is Evan Golub's e-mail filter. According to my internal clock, it is 1900 and email will not be invented for several decades. Your message will be held in a queue until
this invention has been made. However, please note that Evan may not respond for
several more years as he has not been born as of yet and certainly does not know how to
type.
-Evan Golub
Oh my god, using a computer in Denny's. Believe me guys, that must come within
INCHES of being a multiple orgasm!
-Lesley Goodwin
It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless
buckets of slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few
hundred thousand bad apples.
-James D. Gordon III, The Washington Post
Crossposting isn't inherently evil, in the same sense that necrophilia doesn't really hurt
anybody. One wonders only whether it's appropriate to the occasion.
-Rick Gordon
Those who are obsessed by ideology are the Republican Party, where they are in such
disarray that the right hand doesn't know what the far right hand is doing
-Vice President Al Gore
We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you
live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
-Dana Gould
People may be stupid but they're not that stupid.
-government official, Young Zaphod Plays It Safe
There is such a fine line between goth and skanky biker ho.
-Carl Graci
Disposable income is very cool and that's the reason we're in grad school.
-The Grad School Rap
How can you dream the impossible dream, when you can't get any sleep?
-graffiti
You're damn right we need a rational code of morality and ethics. But not much progress
can be made in that direction while we've still got a majority ranting about gods, devils,
souls, and absolute morality, and using an ancient book written by ignorant nomads as a
guide.
-Doug Graham
Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies will get you
through times of no paranoia.
-Pete Granger
Whenever there has been talk of exterminating rats, others, who were not rats, have been
exterminated.
-Gunter Grass
In my country there is a belief, and rightly so, that the only thing that separates us from
animals is mindless superstition and pointless ritual.
-Latka Graves
1. If you think the network implies intelligent design, you haven't seen our network yet.
2. Even assuming this suggests the existence of a System Administrator, there's no
evidence the System Administrator is intelligent.
-Andy Gray
Like a fly to a bug zapper, you are drawn to the cafeteria.
-Brendan Gray
Something bothers me about a bunch of scrawny kids in $150 oxblood DM's, $150+
Leather jackets, and a ton of expensive jewelry and decorations sitting in doorways
begging for change.
-Brendan Gray
"This" cyberscene? Yeah, like this board is a "virtual reality", not just a bunch of ASCIItwiddling weenie-nerds who have the privelege of Internet access...
-Mike Greelish
and the obvious answer to that is yes, you smoke crack like an engineer drinks espresso.
-Fred Green
Are you sick and tired of men sniveling and whining about how women want to smother
them? If you can still hear them whining you aren't holding the pillow down hard enough.
-Fred Green
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-Fred Green
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of caffeine.
-Fred Green
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
-Fred Green
I'm gonna get luddite on your ass!
-Sam Greenfield
Let me just point out that this is all I saw I of your message. Then my head exploded.
-Sam Greenfield
Nope, those weren't the Rockettes. They were just average citizens from New York who
happened to be walking through Times Sqaure. They were so amazed by the downright
funkiness of the Pentium II that they had to start dancing in a sychronized line right then
and there.
-Sam Greenfield
Technology is useless without art.
-Sam Greenfield
When I say 'morning', what I really mean is 'afternoon'.
-Sam Greenfield
You put the art back in fart.
-Sam Greenfield
Although the Buddhists will tell you that desire is the root of suffering, my personal
experience leads me to point the finger at systems administration.
-Philip Greenspun
Computers are the tools of the devil. It is as simple as that. There is no monotheism
strong enough that it cannot be shaken by Unix or any Microsoft product. The devil is
real. He lives inside C programs.
-Phil Greenspun
For some reason, Web service seems to attract incompetent system administrators and
antique, unloved hardware.
-Philip Greenspun
Most people who are rich chose their parents wisely.
-Philip Greenspun
Remember that in 1993 a company with a bad Web site needed an engineer. Today, in
2008, a company with a bad Web site needs a psychiatrist.
-Phil Greenspun
Earth is a single point of failure.
-Patrick Greenwell
You can only kiss so much faculty butt before you get a mouthfull of hair.
-David Gregg
Big breasts are popular, people look around, they say, "Oh, there's lots of big breasts -they're very big, they're scary, someone might get their eye put out. I'm going to vote for
Alan Keyes." ... It's not that "Political times are repressive, ergo we like big breasts" but
that "There are a lot of big breasts around, ergo we get scared and we get conservative."
And, conversely, like in the sixties you had people like Penelope Tree and Twiggy, and
people looked around and said, "Oh, there's lots of small breasts around -- it's okay, it's
safe. I'm going to join a commune and take drugs."
-"Gregory", radio show caller, as quoted in Esquire, Feb 1999
I don't know the answer to this... but you don't either.
-Jerry Griffin
The best things about solid mechanics is that you can break things all the time. Getting
paid money to destroy things - what more could a man ask for?
-Jerry Griffin
The stresses.. They just don't care. They're like you on Sunday morning.
-Jerry Griffin
You wonder what faculty do? We sit around drinking beer and discussing free-body
diagrams.
-Jerry Griffin
When you hear the word 'nonhomogeneous' do you feel queasy inside?
-Jerry Griffin
So you've been warned. And once the Internet is present in every household in the world,
I'll have fulfilled my dream to become the absolute ruler of the hearts and minds of every
sentient being on the planet. But I digress.
-Jim Griffith, prolific newsgroup moderator
Anything's funny with blood all over your face.
-Chris Grimes
I want something to organize my life and it should play tetris.
-Chris Grimes
I'm feeling slightly less existentially despondent.
-Chris Grimes
Can you STOP talking about spinning metal penises!
-Chris Grimes
If at first you don't succeed -- give it up. It isn't worth the pain.
-Matt Groening
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning
you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening
If companies don't know that they can run out of money, they won't be thinking of ways
not to run out of money.
-Bill Gross
I'll have the plate of vomit.
-Alec Grossman
This is the philosophical ramblings of a tortured mind. We'll print it exactly the way he
wants it.
-Bob Guccione
This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed.
-Harry Guggenheim
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she
weren't.
-Sacha Guitry
You can pretend to be serious, you can't pretend to be witty.
-Sacha Guitry
Manure is manure, with any bucket as useful for fertilizer as any other. A more apt
comparison would be to think of the Usenet archive as dumptrucks full of manure, each
containing a single peanut butter cup...somewhere...
-Mike Gunderloy
The security of the Nation is not at the ramparts alone, Security also lies in the value of
our free institutions. A cantankerous press, an obstinate press, a ubiquitous press must be
suffered by those in authority in order to preserve the even greater values of freedom of
expression and the right of the people to know.
-U.S. District Judge Murray Gurfein
The good news is that you can build a portal overnight; the bad news is that so can
everyone else.
-J. William Gurley
A sacrifice... how about a young, nubile, willing dancing girl, dressed in thin white silk,
holding a chocolate chip cheesecake in one hand and a six-pack of Blue Ridge Porter in
the other? Just send her to my place and consider yourself paid up.
-Nikki Gustas
...almost everyone in the film is made a little too dumb for my taste (even by New
Hampshire standards).
-Nikki Gustas
At this point, wanting to get my point across with the proper sign language, I tried to
strangle him.
-Nikki Gustas
Ever fly through a thunderstorm? It's pretty, in an "I'm gonna die" way.
-Nikki Gustas
If you placed all the blood vessels in your body end to end, you'd be dead.
-Nikki Gustas
Support your local medical examiner. Die strangely.
-Nikki Gustas
The frustrating thing is that he really tries to dominate my attention which would be okay
if he'd sleep with me.
-Nikki Gustas
Well, I saw Hackers last night.... It was flashy, gorgeous, stylish, and appallingly dumb much like many people I know.
-Nikki Gustas
Come on, why would anyone want to live in California any more? People can't even read
their pink slips because the power is out.
-Craig Guthery
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit ... he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair ...
must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-Arlo Guthrie
quotes: h
Gentlemen, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I mean to put you in harm's way.
-Gene Hackman as Admiral Reigart in "Behind Enemy Lines"
I guess she'll stop acting weird now that i'm not a guy.
-Kerry Hagan
so, like, i have insomnia so, i tried my tried-and-true very very very last resort: alcohol.
drank down a couple a guinnesses too fast for the quality of the beer. now, im a blasted
insomniac, and i have devised a few schemes for the betterment of the human race.
-Kerry Hagan
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be
clearly understood.
-Alexander Haig
You're a creature of the night, Michael. Wait'll Mom hears about this.
-Corey Haim as Sam Emerson in "The Lost Boys"
I get women naked, and pass the savings on to you.
-Tony Halasohoris
Some people think a song without words isn't a real song. Tell that to Beethoven and he'll
kick your ass!
-Eddie Van Halen
Elvis is dead. Give it up.
-Michelle Hall
I saw "Sleep With Me", with Eric Stoltz... I can see how the rest of my life is going to
go... it's depressing... and painful... and sucky... and Quentin Tarantino is there... it's
horrible...
-Michelle Hall
It's that goddamn salinger book that did it. Every time. And the fact that parents let me
read too much as a child. It just ruined me.
-Michelle Hall
Oh how i love being tragic. Oh how i love outright lies.
-Michelle Hall
The goddamn cat never bit you. That was me.
-Michelle Hall
You know, he's a much better doctor when he's raging drunk.
-Michelle Hall
Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies.
If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest
cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream
palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them
up on their vocabulary.
-Phill Hallam-Baker
It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I want to spend 40
years until retirement. About my values, and what's important to me. What I want to do
with my life. The people I want to work with. I won't miss it very much, though -- They
wanted me to wear pants every DAY.
-Erik Hallberg
The perception appears to be that Americans are workaholics, Americans are crazy,
Americans take life too seriously and don't enjoy life. But that's also why you don't see a
lot of Netscapes sprouting out of the south of France.
-John Hallett, CEO, NMP Inc.
And tell me what's going on. Since I have no social life and I work more than I ever have
before. Combined. Writing my tenth paper of the year right now. Well, not writing it
now, writing mail now... but I will write it.
-Kerry Halpern
There was industrial before NIN? Next you'll tell me there was punk before Black Flag.
-Kit Halsted
Some of us have our own opinions. I, for instance, have the opinion that you're a twit.
-Kit Halsted
The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed.
-Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers
There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal.
-Hammer
Machines should work. People should think.
-Richard Hamming
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild,
like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild
monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-Jack Handley
It's supposed to be hard; if it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it
great.
-Tom Hanks, "A League of Their Own"
So you see, not only does cell phone radiation cause impotence, incontinence, jock itch,
malaria, and loss of hearing, but it also makes you stupid and forgetful. Furthermore,
frequent and and public use of cell phones will cause all of your children to be born
*completely naked*. Some of the cool Dick Tracy wrist phones that were recently
announced are, however, totally cool and harmless.
-Hannibal, ArsTechnica
I use Macs for work, Linux for education, and Windows for Solitaire.
-Lorca Hanns
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also
make you lonely.
-Lorraine Hansberry
Alex, I'll take "Annoying Software" for $200.
-Chris Hanson
Diving gear? Fetish wear? What's the difference?
-Chris Hanson
I want a non filesystem-based source code management & control system. I want it to
have a nice interface, supported on multiple platforms for both the client and server, and
support multiple independent projects built from the same source base. I want it to use a
protocol that is published as an Internet Draft or informational RFC. And I want a pony.
-Chris Hanson
Which part of "I CAN'T DO THAT IN 2 HOURS!" didn't you understand?!
-Chris Hanson
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if pac man affected us as kids, we'd all be
running around in darkened rooms munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
-Kaz Harai, CEO, Sony Computer Entertainment
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-Salvador Hardin
I've attempted to build a caffeine death ray out of empty Mtn Dew cans. All I need now
are 3 tons of dessicated spleens..
-Jordan Hardgrove
I've solved the problem of world hunger: Feed the homeless to the poor!
-Jordan Hardgrave
If you put an infinite amount of monkeys in front of an infinite amount of typewriters,
they'd eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Do the same with humans and
computers and you get Windows Vista. Score: Monkeys 1, Humans 0
-Jordan Hardgrove
I'm not claiming to any moral high ground. Sometimes, I make grilled cheese sandwiches
with velveeta for dinner.
-Jonathan Hardwick
I didn't mind that you were sleeping. It's just that you were snoring.
-Professor Harper
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-Sydney J. Harris
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin
to think like computers.
-Sydney Harris
The sound of people drowning is something I cannot describe to you. And neither can
anyone else. It is the most dreadful sound. And there is a dreadful silence that follows it.
-Eva Hart, Titanic survivor
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals,
and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and selfannihilation.
-Johnny Hart
Nothing can so prevent you from learning the truth as the belief that you already know it.
-Jon Hart
Over the years we have been warned about the danger of subversive organizations that
would threaten our liberties, subvert our system, would encourage its members to take
further illegal action to advance their views, organizations that would incite and promote
violence, pitting one American group against another... There is an organization that does
fit those descriptions, and it is the organization, the leadership of which has been most
constant in its warning to us to be on guard against such harm. The FBI.
-Senator Philip A. Hart
I am disassociating myself from work here. I don't consider you a client for the rest of
this post, just a moron.
-Jeremy Hartman
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you
must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer terror.
-W. K. Hartmann
I feel like Keith Richards looks. ugh.
-Matthew Haughey
Web designers doing weblogs is kind of like the old joke about student film makers: they
tend produce films about being a student film maker, filled with struggling actors playing
struggling actors and frustrated writers playing frustrated writers.
-Matthew Haughey
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume,
humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-Harvard's Law
I'm worried about Congress really messing this up. We have that tendency, I've been told.
-Senator Orin Hatch
I could stop here, but I'm going to subject you to a bunch of math.
-David Haussler
God not only plays dice, he also sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen.
-Stephen Hawking
That's a definition, not a theorem. That means you don't argue with it; you just write it
down and memorize it.
-Warren Hawley
As we all know, "hard sf" is the rigorously demanding, intellectually taxing practice of
"sf without a net," which rejects squishy soft ideas like human biology or psychology in
favor of hardnosed, realistic concepts such as hyperdrives, travel through black holes,
omnipotent aliens, etc.
-Patrick Nielsen Hayden
We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers
and nut cases.
-Patrick Nielsen Hayden
Of course all ISPs suck. They try to take a global communications infrastructure and run
it like a macdonald's franchise.
-Reilly Hayes
People criticize my father because they say his models say inane things. I've met these
girls. They ARE inane.
-Christie Hefner
No conflict exists between the pleasure a modern American finds in material things and
his struggle to discover a new scientific truth, or evolve a new philosophy, or create a
work of art. The good life, the full life, encompasses all of these - and all of them satisfy
and spur a man on to do more, see more, know more, experience more.
-Hugh Hefner
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between
being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.
-Cynthia Heimel
Whenever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.
-Heinrich Heine
A poet who reads his own verse in public may have other nasty habits.
-Robert Heinlein
Some practical jokes are funny once. Do it once, you're a wit; do it twice you're a halfwit.
-Robert Heinlein
Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is
death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
-Robert Heinlein
The only inherent sin in society lies in hurting others unnecessarily. Hurting yourself in
not sinful - just dumb.
-Robert Heinlein
The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.
-Robert Heinlein
They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.
-Robert Heinlein
When you have shot and killed a man, you have in some measure clarified your attitude
toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or for
worse, you have acted decisively. In a way the next move is up to him!
-Robert Heinlein
Women and cats will do as they please. And men and dogs should relax and get used to
the idea.
-Robert Heinlein
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your
hands afterwards.
-Robert Heinlein
my title is software engineer, not hack engineer.
-Sherry Heinz
alright now, i have been hearing murmurs of doing something tonight that combines a)
drinking and b) drinking. something about a getogether tonight, and i must say that i am
not opposed. in fact, i would be willing to devote considerable resources (i may even
stand up) to make this happen. but i cannot act alone. in the immortal words of the notso-immortal benjamin franklin: "we must drink together, or surely we shall all drink
seperately and probably pass out and drown in pools of our own vomit". he was a true
patriot.
-Chris Heiser
And she's like "I don't want to hear this," and I'm like "well neither do I, so shut up."
-Chris Heiser
As my friend Eric Meyhofer would say, 'That guy's a loser'.
-Chris Heiser
...because i spent the first three hours of the day in intense meditation trying to decide the
most effective way for me to convey my overwhelming desire for you to BITE ME.
-Chris Heiser
You could tell me you met this girl. You could tell me she was intelligent, not just pop
intelligent like these other women, but really intelligent, like 'she runs me around in
circles' and she's gorgeous, and we like each other, but not too much, and God himself
blessed this relationship - God himself came down and said 'I bless this relationship', and
I'd be like 'Oh shit.'
-Chris Heiser
God, I can see it now: me, lying on the ground, face besmeared with BBQ sauce, passing
out listening to some Lady Ga-Ga crap or worse.
-Chris Heiser
Guess what I have. Hint: it's black and contains a loaded shotgun.
-Chris Heiser
i have, as of late, tried to find the root of this particular emotion and its various
manifestations (personal hatred, world hunger, the republican party, hale-bopp,
hollywood, automatic porsches, wired, Mtv unplugged, stock market crashes, the stock
market, financial analysts, money, no money, franz ferdinand breakups, bill gates, spam,
anderson cooper, intolerance, tolerance of the intolerable, deep blue, fast food, slow food,
work, insomnia, apple pie, injection-molded plastics, new music, the radio, the tv, the
microwave, the toaster, geothermal warming, and urban hipsterism) and have decided
that it boils down to one single, quantifiable, elemental issue. you need more horsepower.
-Chris Heiser
In every situation, its good to have an agenda. The agenda here is wasting time.
-Chris Heiser
It's better than tv-dinner style philosophy with a side order of angst.
-Chris Heiser
Land of the free! Home of the brave! Go directly to jail! Blow habeus corpus out your
rectum.
-Chris Heiser
NASCAR (a name that is synonomyus with poorly-built cars careening off other poorly
built cars and concrete walls at 190 MPH because their drivers are completely
incompetent and whose mouths are too full of chew to radio to the pits that their cars are
on fire and about to explode)
-Chris Heiser
One must work hard at procrastination, or something might get done ahead of time.
-Chris Heiser
She is by far one of the most mentally decapitated people I have ever met.
-Chris Heiser
...so I'm sitting here telling her about my skills and how I'm the super master of
everything and about how I actually made a C Threepio clone out of twelve transistors
and a block of aluminium. She said that someone would get back to me.
-Chris Heiser
To put it another way, it's cool. Still another angle might be: the old way kinda sucked.
-Chris Heiser
You will get used to it, or die.
-Chris Heiser
They'll need to do a double-blind test. That's where they stick pins in both eyes and shove
a cell phone up your ass.
-Chris Heise
Uh... you're a moron.
-Chris Heiser
Women suck, they're all disgusting little psychopathic leeches who do nothing more in
your life than to suck your soul, leave your wallet empty, your heart broken, and your life
destroyed.
-Chris Heiser
you know what your problem is? you need to spend _less_ time with situations where
you know you will ultimately get (mentally/emotionally/physically) screwed, and _more_
time with me in a hummer with a loaded shotgun in the back.
-Chris Heiser
I want everyone in the whole world to like me, except the people that I've already met,
handled, found inconsequential, and forgot about.
-Joseph Heller, "Something Happened"
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have
mediocrity thrust upon them.
-Joseph Heller
Someone is going to be laying that provocative, pretty, hot-pantsed little girl soon, if
someone isn't doing it already, and why shouldn't it be me, instead of some callow,
arrogant wise guy, who would not relish her as much as I would, regale and intoxicate her
with the spell of flattery and small attentions I could weave, or savor the piquant
degeneracy of it nearly as much as I would be certain to.
-Joseph Heller
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that
success equals skill.
-Robert Heller
Markets react worse to change than to Democrats.
-David Henry and Adam Shell, The USA Today
Our generation is the first generation forced into low-paying jobs at minimum wage.
-Imani Henry, National People's Campaign
Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that
jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force: Whenever you give up
that force, you are inevitably ruined.
-Patrick Henry
I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death.
-Patrick Henry
Intelligence reports are only useful for the intelligent.
-Shane Henry
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights
when you turn it on.
-Hepler, Systems Design 182
Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as numbers increase.
This is as true of humans in the finite space of a planetary ecosystem as it is of gas
molecules in a sealed flask. The human question is not how many can possibly survive
within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those who do survive.
-Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_
No more terrible disaster could befall your people than for them to fall into the hands of a
Hero.
-Pardot Kynes in Frank Herbert's _Dune_
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one
course of action.
-Frank Herbert
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
-Malcolm Herbert
Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten
this.
-Charles Herbig
Hmm, everyone contributing to the common good. But I thought Communism was dead!
-Chris Herborth
Monkey good. Sphincter bad.
-Roberto Herrera
Many businessmen fail to understand Python principles-- the ultimate absurdity was an
offer from America to buy the "format" of the Python shows, that is, _Monty Python_
without the Pythons-- corporate methods do not have the conceptual framework to deal
with an anarchist collective, run by intelligent and arrogant comedians who have proved
that their method works.
-Robert Hewison
How many bitter men does it take to change a light bulb? We don't care, and if you try
we'll just throw the lamp against the wall again.
-Chris Hickie
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other
guy's.
-Hal Hickman
Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow
vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself, subjectively; there is no
such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
-Bill Hicks, Dangerous
If the evidence doesn't seem to fit a particular conspiracy theory, just build a bigger
conspiracy theory.
-Robert D. Hicks, In Pursuit of Satan
It's a terrific, totally safe way to meet new people. Complete privacy is guaranteed. Your
identity, and the identity of the person you have chosen, remains confidential until both
persons agree to meet, a thorough background check and credit profile have been
performed, and a neutral meeting place has been arbitrated. Should the date go badly, or
result in injury or death, you need not ever see that person again.
-James Hightower
I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and
trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in
New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into
that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't
miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer
acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now,
go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis,_ and you go to your church, and, with any luck,
you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in operating room
number two on November 17, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I
have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I AM GOD.
-Dr. Jed Hill, "Malice"
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When
somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the
millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a
computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the
room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There
was a computer in every doorknob.
-Danny Hillis
Germans who wish to use firearms should join the SS or the SA - ordinary citizens don't
need guns, as their having guns doesn't serve the State.
-Heinrich Himmler
I'm not sure which upsets me more: that people are so unwilling to accept responsibility
for their own actions, or that they are so eager to regulate everyone else's.
-Kee Hinckley
England has already lost the war. It is only a matter of having the intelligence to admit it.
-Adolf Hitler, 4/4/41
The great masses of the people . . . will more easily fall victims to a great lie than to a
small one.
-Adolf Hitler
Imagine the staggering expense to properly reintroduce all those cows back into their
natural habitat. You'd need to teach them how to forage for food at dumpsites and
campgrounds. Instill in them basic survival skills like fleeing from their natural enemy,
the flying saucer. And hire thousands of surrogate bulls for bovine sex education.
-Roy Ho
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple
that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated
that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-C. A. R. Hoare
You know, when you want to circumvent the existing install checker on the average PC
upgrade edition of a product, you usually have to murk around with the registry or apply
cracks with non-standard install methods... things that would confuse the average newby.
But on the Mac OS, you can crack your software with just a single drag of the mouse!
Now that's what I call UI innovation. It's not easy being green. It takes way more food
coloring than you'd think.
-Louis Hochman in "Apple Cease-And-Desist Stupidity Leak" discussion on Slashdot
I've finally figured out what's wrong with photography. It's a one-eyed man looking
through a little hole. Now, how much reality can there be in that?
-David Hockney
I'm going to fix this thing if it kills you.
-Michael Hodous
You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the
starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and generally worked
yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more then just LOG, you
deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG!
-Dave Hoek
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-Bill Hoest
Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
-Douglas Hofstadter
I don't really see much upside in taking a woman and pushing her down a mountain in a
scud missile
-Chris Holly on buggy
It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others.
-John Andrew Holmes
Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting for
centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing.
-John Andrew Holmes
The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent.
-John Hughes Holmes
Man's mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
A well-balanced breakfast is an important start to a good resurrection.
-Kristie Home
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-Homer
Notice: we do not condone the use of violence, but we do feel compelled, for reasons of
historical accuracy, to point out that it has been employed in the past with notable
effectiveness.
-from a Hong Kong Film Festival flyer
The internet is like alcohol, there's lots of it, and it makes you stupid.
-David Honig
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy,
unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-J. Edgar Hoover
I can give you supreme executive authority to bite my ass.
-Aaron Hopkins
You forget that the exploitation is a one way street - it's corporate policy.
-Aaron Hopkins
Poor people are crazy. I'm eccentric.
-Dennis Hopper, Speed
In pioneer days they used oxen for heavy pulling, and when one ox couldn't budge a log,
they didn't try to grow a larger ox. We shouldn't be trying for bigger computers, but for
more systems of computers.
-Admiral Grace Hopper
Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems.
-Admiral Grace Hopper
Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some
really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees.
-David House, Intel VP
To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-Elbert Hubbard
Beauty is only skin deep, but it's a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.
-Kim Hubbard
The way to make money is to start your own religion.
-L. Ron Hubbard
Two things are of paramount importance in Scientology. They are WIN and LOSE.
-L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology: A New Slant on Life
An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.
-Victor Hugo
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the
horses.
-Victor Hugo
"Where's Walden?"- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richlydetailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the
woods.
-Sandra Hull
Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers.
-Robert Hummel
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-Hubert Humphrey
It swims through a sublogical fantasy world where there are no rules that can't be violated
by the set designer, where everybody is really thin and beautiful and wears really cool
clothes, and where death is everywhere.
-Stephen Hunter, The Washington Post, review of 'The Cell'
Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations
for misery.
-Aldous Huxley
been there. don't want to do it again. LIVE GEEKY OR DIE.
-Lori Hylan
quotes: i
At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is
permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive,
so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously
deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed
jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the
probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity
from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.
-Eric Idle
Remember when your mother told you not to play Dungeons and Dragons? She told you
it would make you satanic, so you played it anyway. That's when you found out it makes
you into something much worse: A giant nerd.
-ifilm.com
Today's Computer Science lecture will be conducted entirely through the medium of
interpretive dance.
-Bob Igo
it's not the mere _power_ to do something which will sell someone on a technology...it's
the power to do something egregiously stupid on mere whim.
-Andy Ihnatko
Belief is not a voluntary thing. A man believes or disbelieves in spite of himself. They
tell us that to believe is the safe way; but I say, the safe way is to be honest.
-Robert Ingersoll, "Some Reasons Why I Am a Freethinker"
If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a
criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane.
-Robert Ingersoll
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments -- there are consequences.
-Robert Ingersoll
The clergy know that I know that they know that they do not know.
-Robert Ingersoll, "Orthodoxy"
Let me explain about Genetic Engineering. That's where you take a cell from a human
being and put it into a sheep, in the hope that one day it will go out and buy something.
-Neil Innes
goth clan...it's like a gang, except when it's time for them to jump you, all they do is hold
you down & put too much eyeliner on you
-Inox
I feel like complete sphincter right now
-Inox
I take heart in the fact that your death resulting from you simply forgetting to breathe is
likely.
-Inox
I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt.
-Inox
Infantalization, diminution...are you making a point somewhere in this email? It seems to
me to just be a bunch of indignant posturing, but then again, I don't have a sp00ky email
address yet. Until I get that, & the accompanying Goth Starter Pack, I won't be able to
decode the secret language of vampires. You elude me.
-Inox
You have an authentic stupidity that's hard to counterfeit.
-Inox
The major interface feature of Windows Vista is a screen-size cascading menu that is
often 4 or more levels deep and causes such large and rapid visual changes that it is likely
to cause seizures among its epileptic users.
-Interface Hall of Shame
Those who believe in miracles when it comes to matters of the heart may believe that
there is a perfect mate for each of us waiting to be discovered somewhere in the world.
But if this is true, the far greater miracle is the frequency with which the Fates conspire to
place this person within walking distance.
-Introduction to Psychology, Atkinson, Atkinson, Smith, Hillgard
History is composed of the smallest, often undetected mistakes.
-John Irving
The look of a man who's come to see What Might Have Been is full of both bloodshed
and nostalgia.
-John Irving
The more clearly one sees this world, the more one is obliged to pretend it does not exist.
-John Irving
This is an old joke. There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents,
he did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart on
command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. Written on the
box was this: 'Life is serious but art is fun!' I hear his funeral was a party. A street artist
had killed himself. Nobody had supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who
would make the dogs make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this too: It is hard
work and great art to make life not so serious. Prostitutes know this too.
-John Irving
you're either somebody's wife or somebody's whore, or fast on your way to becoming one
or the other.
-John Irving
he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the Devil and all his works, if his
path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than
ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was -- a woman.
-Washington Irving, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Non sequitur is Latin for "w'uh huh?"
-Chris Isaak
quotes: j
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
-Alexander Jablokov
There is no greater prude than a reformed prostitute.
-Tony Jackson
But, as Big Brother said: "Ignorance is Truth."
-Mary Jacoby
This illustrates a problem in creative conceptualization that I think is very Japanese, and
possibly results from an educational system that places an emphasis on the assimilation
of facts and deference to authority, rather than the American model which encourages
drug and alcohol abuse and rutting like dogs.
-Jade
I'll concede that some e-mail massages are pretty useless. But what if Uma Thurman
wants you to come to her house for midnight drinks and just happens to start the message
with "thought you'd be interested"?
-Geoffrey James
Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.
-Geoffrey James
The principal difference between a toy and a game is that the latter has some clearly
defined goal or purpose; therefore life is not a game, but a toy.
-Rahner James
a great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their
prejudices.
-William James
Psycho how? Psycho interesting or psycho hide the knives?
-Jennifer Jantos
The weather here is more interesting than the people.
-Jennifer Jantos
I was thinking of her in terms of a toy, like a firetruck. When the firetruck breaks, you cry
a bit then forget about it and play with the police cruiser.
-John Jantos
i'm probably not going to die anytime soon. too much paperwork.
-John Jantos
If I have to work for a large company, i'll go postal. Actually, it will be called "going
corporate" when i do it, thank you very much. And you know where you can shove your
fast food chain...
-John Jantos
if it helps, treat this as the ramblings of a raging cynic.
-John Jantos
It's never too late to be obnoxious.
-John Jantos
Your ego's reaching critical mass.
-John Jantos
your mind is driving down the road, and everything is fine, until you realize you haven't
been paying attention for the last few miles, and you must have taken a wrong turn
because the bridge ahead is out, and you're 20 feet away from a long drop, and you slam
on your brakes and a sharp pain grasps your neck, and you decide not to do anything even
remotely strenuous for a while so you can backtrack and find the fork you should have
taken back a few miles. so that's academic whiplash.
-John Jantos
This bag will self-destruct in mother earth.
-from a Japanese grocery bag
You would not have liked Nietzsche, sir. He is fundamentally unsound.
-Jeeves, "Jeeves Takes Charge"
I hold that a little rebellion is a good thing.
-Thomas Jefferson
In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in
alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is easier
to acquire wealth and power by this combination than by deserving them, and to effect
this, they have perverted the purest religion ever preached to man into mystery and
jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purposes.
-Thomas Jefferson
In every country where man is free to think and to speak, differences of opinion will arise
from difference of perception, and the imperfection of reason; but these differences when
permitted, as in this happy country, to purify themselves by free discussion, are but as
passing clouds overspreading our land transiently and leaving our horizon more bright
and serene.
-Thomas Jefferson
Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not
advanced an inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one
half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over
the earth.
-Thomas Jefferson
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither
picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-Thomas Jefferson
Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations.
-Thomas Jefferson
No [free] man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people
to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against
tyranny in government.
-Thomas Jefferson
Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must
more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
-Thomas Jefferson
...the successful experiment made under the prevalence of that delusion on the clause of
the constitution, which, while it secured the freedom of the press, covered also the
freedom of religion, had given to the clergy a very favorite hope of obtaining an
establishment of a particular form of Christianity thro' the U.S.; and as every sect
believes its own form the true one, every one perhaps hoped for his own, but especially
the Episcopalians & Congregationalists. The returning good sense of our country
threatens abortion to their hopes, & they believe that any portion of power confided to
me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have
sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind
of man.
-Thomas Jefferson
Were it left for me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers,
or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate amoment to prefer the latter.
-Thomas Jefferson
what country can preserve it's liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time
that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to
set them right as to facts, pardon & pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century
or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots
and tyrants.
-Thomas Jefferson
They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they
also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-William Jeffereys
If I see one more JFK movie, I will dig him up and kill him again.
[email protected]
It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally
good liar.
-Jerome K. Jerome
Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did
something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw
something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That's because they were able to
connect experiences they've had and synthesize new things.
-Steve Jobs
If you look at the artists, if they get really good, it always occurs to them at some point
that they can do this one thing for the rest of their lives, and they can be really successful
to the outside world but not really be successful to themselves. That's the moment that an
artist really decides who he or she is. If they keep on risking failure, they're still artists.
-Steve Jobs
Nobody's tried to swallow us since I've been here--I think they're afraid of how we'd
taste.
-Steve Jobs
So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of
your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want
to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college
yet.'
-Steve Jobs
When you're young, you look at television and think, There's a conspiracy. The networks
have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that's not
true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That's a far
more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can
have a revolution! But the networks are really in business to give people what they want.
It's the truth.
-Steve Jobs
People must not attempt to impose their own 'truth' on others. The right to profess the
truth must always be upheld, but not in a way that involves contempt for those who may
think differently.
-John Paul II
Women are soft, and fun to touch, but that does not stop them from being incarnations of
pure evil.
-Bradford Johnson
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
-Samuel Johnson
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-Samuel Johnson
I don't want to kill it for the kids, but we got to go out there and snatch it. We got to go
out there, put on masks and go rob.
-Tre Johnson
It's not a beauty contest. Ain't no bikini on that puppy. A win is a win.
-Tre Johnson
We're a funded Linux company now, and we'll be able to do some things that we couldn't
do before, like buy beer.
-TurboLinux marketing VP Lonn Johnston
I'm not bitter, I'm evil.
-Andrea Jones
People who love to drink out of straws are not old enough to drink alcohol. For those
people, Miss Manners believes it's quite enough excitement for them to drive their
parents crazy by blowing bubbles in their milk.
-Gray Jones
Women schwomen. You need to interact with your computer a little more deeply.
-Gray Jones
When those PETA goofballs start trying to toss red paint on bikers wearing leather
jackets, things will really get interesting (and I hope someone's there with a camera).
-James Jones
None other than a Gentleman, as well as a seaman, both in theory and practice is
qualified to support the character of a Commissioned Officer in the Navy, nor is any man
fit to command a Ship of War who is not also capable of communicating his Ideas on
Paper in Language that becomes his Rank.
-John Paul Jones
the Credit of the Service depends not only on dealing fairly with the men Employed in it,
but on their belief that they are and will be fairly dealt with.
-John Paul Jones
to be well obeyed it is necessary to be esteemed
-John Paul Jones
Cinnamint (with Myrrh) is most excellent and I absolutely recommend it. Then again, I
have also been known to absolutely recommend assassinations. But only one per person.
-Kriste Jordan
I know you are super busy, though, so if you cannot respond, I will remain your friend,
but I will be forced to poison you with Sweet Tart concentrate.
-Kriste Jordan
putting the mental in sentimental... one drama at a time.
-Kriste Jordan
It is better to debate a question without settling it, than to settle a question without
debating it.
-Joseph Joubert
Most programmers are bad programmers. The honest truth is that having a lot of
programmers staring at the code does not find the really nasty bugs. The really nasty bugs
are found by a couple of really smart programmers. Most programmers looking at the
code won't see anything ... You can't have thousands of programmers contributing and
achieve a high standard.
-Bill Joy
Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks.
-Bill Joy
Either your head will explode or you would be nice and serene or your head would
explode AND you would be nice and serene.
-Bethany Jozwiak
Debating the merits of one platform with the acolyte of another platform is like trying to
make love to a cat... It doesn't do anything for you, and it pisses the cat off...
[email protected]
All great powers are arrogant -- it just so happens that America is the only one around.
-Tony Judt
quotes: k
The problem in the Middle East is that everyone thinks they are the chosen people. The
Jews -- we are the chosen people. The Arabs -- we are the chosen people. Look, if you're
the chosen people, how come you're living in the middle of a desert? Maybe the Samoans
are the chosen people.
-Aron Kader
What! You actually think the Grand Moff Tarkin died when the Death Star exploded?
Nonsense...I never saw the body, did you?
-Chris Kalmbacher
If you still do not understand this process please shut off your computer and go home.
-Adam Kaplan
For those non-Americans in the house, July 4th (Independence Day) is an American
holiday where we commemorate when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air shot down some
aliens or something. Have a beer, eat a burger!
-Phil Kaplan
Geoff got sued for sexual harassment and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
-Anu Kapoor
It represents man's struggle against giant rotating penises.
-Anu Kapoor
That which does not kill me is surely defective and should be returned to the
manufacturer for replacement.
-Anu Kapoor
There is no relativity. Some people are just wrong.
-Anu Kapoor
When grasshopper learns to stagger drunk like a flea, he will be ready to leave the
monastary.
-Anu Kapoor
Ya know, Fascism in moderation is pretty cool...
-Anu Kapoor
Back to Java code. It's the future, or something.
-Sam Kass
Because without a degree you might end up like Bill Gates or something.
-Sam Kass
Being a Senior every year is fun. How many years in a row should I have my picture put
in the yearbook?
-Sam Kass
Bill Gates is supposed to be some great techno-wizard. What, because he wrote a BASIC
interpreter once in the late 70's? That and his child are the only things that Gates has
actually created, and even with his child, I'm sure his wife did most of the work.
-Sam Kass
Does it seem weird to anyone else that church had to be cancelled today due to an act of
God? Maybe He just wanted a day off or something.
-Sam Kass
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whooo-hoo. Sorry. It's just that I've been doing a
little too much Win32 development lately for my own good.
-Sam Kass
I am the Alpha and the Omega. The archgenesis and the destroyer of worlds.
-Sam Kass
I curse Microsoft at least once a day. I only curse Apple every other day. As I see it, that's
a 100% improvement.
-Sam Kass
I found out a useful piece of information in High School physics. Vacuum doesn't suck.
Everything else blows.
-Sam Kass
I like your cat, but I wouldn't want to be greedy, so I'll only take half.
-Sam Kass
I live in a dorm. I get drunk and wander around in my bathrobe throwing bottles. Most of
the reason I'm still living on campus is the cooo-el network connections.
-Sam Kass
I think the portion of grades that are due to pure luck is almost nil, if you disregard the
luck that causes the surrounding circumstances.
-Sam Kass
Do you ever wonder whether someone like me is sitting in a missile silo somewhere
thinking, "Life has gotten just a little TOO BORING."
-Sam Kass
I would like to try to persuade you not to write this book. Two previous posts have
already cited examples of people who would kill for such a book, and I simply cannot
condone the violence that such a book's release might ensue.
-Sam Kass
If I were to start the killing, I would be sure to do it in a remote, wide-open place or
someone is likely to get hurt.
-Sam Kass
If I ever become a scandalous famous person, I'm going to start a diary, and write two
hours of mindless drivel every evening, more if I can find the time, and force Congress to
sift through it all.
-Sam Kass
It's buried under a pile of paper, which is more secure than Kerberos anyway.
-Sam Kass
IMHO, sleeping with someone is one thing. Going to a strip club once, the night before
the wedding, seems irrelevent. I'm not clear on which. Or do you mean playing Warcraft
II and hacking systems all night? Yeah, I could see how that could break up a
relationship.
-Sam Kass
Life would be far more interesting if people could explode at will.
-Sam Kass
Now that IE is part of the OS, we can provide you with new features like system wide
memory leaks and convoluted interfaces to previously straightforward tasks!
-Sam Kass
My Diet Plan: A Coke for breakfast, a Coke for lunch, and a sensible dinner...
-Sam Kass
The movie to which I'm referring has the same name, but you seem to be referring to
something called "character development", a concept that I do not remember from the
movie in question, which dealt more with "character ass-kicking".
-Sam Kass
There is no CyberSpace, just a lot of people pretending.
-Sam Kass
Well, I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid, so now you have to do the same. Of
course, what's stupid for me seems to be the opposite of what's stupid for you.
-Sam Kass
Double Latte Bolivian Mint Crack With a Touch of Angel Dust, Shaken not stirred. To
Go.
-Neal Katz
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
-Donald Kaul
A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your program dies, it is an
'idiosyncrasy.'
-Guy Kawasaki
If you need a flame-thrower instead of matches to jump-start your company, then
something is wrong.
-Guy Kawasaki
Jolt is for Windows programmers. It goes in brown and comes out yellow. Mountain Dew
is for Macintosh programmers: it goes in yellow and comes out yellow.
-Guy Kawasaki
Saying Windows is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and
believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-Guy Kawasaki
Traditionally, Apple fellows came from the scientific academic or engineering world.
They were made into fellows because of their intellectual prowess and visionary thinking.
Then there's me. I was made a fellow to kick butt.
-Guy Kawasaki
Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple his
world. To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than against them is to
attain literacy.
-Alan Kay
The only way to predict the future is to invent it.
-Alan Kay
What people mean by the word technology is anything invented after they were born.
-Alan Kay
i'm going to DESTROY YOU ALL!!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Yerin Kay
...let's see who can be the _first_ of you to stop, and I mean stop entirely. No parting
shots. No defending yourselves. Just stop cold turkey. Walk away.
-Doug Kaye
It doesn't matter how much ice cream you add to manure; nobody will ever like it.
However, if you add even the tinyest amount of manure to that ice cream...
-Bill Kearney
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all / Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn
I am certain of nothing but the holiness of the heart's affection and the truth of
imagination - what the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth - whether it existed
before or not.
-John Keats
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
-Garrison Keillor
If tofu adds years to your life, they probably wouldn't be the best years.
-Garrison Keillor
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature ... Life is either a daring
adventure or nothing.
-Helen Keller
I can't kill you, I have to be sick and demented and scary right now.
-Lisa Kellner
I'm a closet discordian...a pantry subgenius...
-Lisa Kellner
the world is your oyster, you know. it smells like seawater and it might clamp shut on
your finger and inside there's a glob of something that's like a big living glob of snot, and
maybe - if you're lucky! - a little deformed pearl.
-Lisa Kellner
You can't plonk me, i'm the gingerbread man!!!
-Lisa Kellner
People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done
in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion.
-H. Kendall
Sure, if the idea of a protocol behaving like a rabid, diseased sex-crased bunny rabbit
appeals to you.
-H. Kendall
the great enemy of truth is often not the lie --deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the
myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic
-John F. Kennedy
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-John F. Kennedy
Of those to whom much is given, much is required.
-John F. Kennedy
Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm.
-John F. Kennedy
Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes
out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a
million different centers of energy and daring, these ripples build a current that can sweep
down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
-Robert F. Kennedy
There's a fine line between bad habits and style.
-Chris Kent
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or
say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop
and everybody goes "Awwww".
-Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
-Jean Kerr
People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old
ones.
-Charles F. Kettering
Markets can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.
-John Maynard Keynes
As far as I am concerned, paranoia is nothing but heightened awareness.
-Jameel al Khafiz
The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities
reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your
bosom his wives and daughters.
-Genghis Khan
Your presence is requested at your earliest convenience. Please be sure your earliest
convenience is at 1pm.
-Sher Khan
All right, that's enough. Cut it out. Either play live or get the hell off the stage, you know.
This isn't Solid Gold.
-Kid Rock
This ain't alt.angst.support, homeboy. Cold and inhumane revulsion is how we view the
world, and how the world views us.
-Kilroy
I do profess to be no less than I seem; to serve him truly that will put me in trust: to love
him that is honest; to converse with him that is wise, and says little; to fear judgment; to
fight when I cannot choose; and to eat no fish.
-Kent, King Lear 1:4
For a great university one must provide football for the alumni, sex for the
undergraduates and parking for the faculty.
-Kerr's Rules for a Successful College
...sometimes a network is just a network...
-Mitchell Kertzman
History is full of revisionists. Where it used to say "THOU SHALT NOT KILL" it now
says, "except as specified in section III-B, Paragraph 12, Sub-section D, Schedule 3." If
that still doesn't suit you, wait till next year's commandments come out.
-Jake Khuon
ALPO is 99 cents a can. That's over SEVEN dog dollars!!
-Jim Kimble
Being purely coincidental runs in my family.
-Florence King
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific
power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Through violence you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder. Through
violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth. Through violence you may
murder a hater, but you can't murder hate. Darkness cannot put out darkness.
I have a cat named Trash. In the current political climate it would seem that if I were
trying to sell him (at least to a Computer Scientist), I would not stress that he is gentle to
humans and is self-sufficient, living mostly on field mice. Rather, I would stress that he is
object-oriented.
-Roger King
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a
young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-Steven King
I'm told I am dangerous because I might get in the way of this holy project we've
undertaken to keep dropping heavy objects from the sky until we've wiped out every last
person who could potentially hate us.
-Barbara Kingsolver
I'm an occupational hazard.
-Richard Kinsey
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is not king, he is considered insane.
-Richard Kinsey
The only time i update my Netscape is when you tell me to, on the theory that at any
other time it would plunge me into a world of darkness from which i might never return.
-Richard Kinsey
There's never time to do things right, only time to do things over.
-Richard Kinsey
... but when you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA
card - because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express.
-Bruce Kirby
…experienced a moment of true Yuppie-dom last night as both my pager AND cellphone
went off at the same time while I was driving, and in attempting to answer the cell and
check the pager, I nearly spilled my Starbucks latte. If I'd been driving a Sports Utility
Vehicle and/or wearing any article of clothing from the Gap, the horror would have been
complete and I would have had to commit suicide.
-Susan Kirby
And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic. Just because there are
a few hundred other people sharing your lunacy with you does not make you any saner.
-Oleg Kiselev
Campus politics are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
-Henry Kissinger
Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem.
-Henry Kissinger
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
-Henry Kissinger
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-Henry Kissinger
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-James Klass
Hey...isn't there anything interesting to do around here? Ancient civilizations to crumble?
Things to blow up? Daycare?
-Kleg
I thought I just heard on the radio that the House Procreations Committee was trying to
decide how big the package should be.
-Richard Klein
There are times when panic is the appropriate response.
-Eugene Kleiner
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die.
-Klingon Proverb
Commitment, n. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The
chicken is involved, and the pig is committed.
-Richard Knapp
If you were to condense the best of the Web down to a single phrase, what would it be?
What words capture the Internet's purest essence? No, not 'free porn'.
-Greg Knauss
This memo is to notify you that you are happy in your job. If you have any questions,
please contact the Personnel office at extension x3088. Thank you.
-Kevin Knight
Hey, I could summon a demon to terrorize that church. How cool would that be?
-Shawn Knight
But the three of them made the bad mistake of trying to offer the fan god some ramen.
One should never ever offer any kind of god something like ramen -- they know better
than to go near that stuff. As a result the god turned angry and began spitting out things.
He demanded a sacrafice -- the cat!
-Jennifer Knipper
Chickens, like two-edged swords, often come home to roost.
-Suzy Kohout
I don't know if freezing cold lake breezes actually have the biological effect of reducing
the effect of alchohol on the human body, or if it's a purely psychological effect. I think
most men would describe "Hey! Where are my testicles? I can't feel 'em!" as a sobering
thought.
-Ian Konen
It's not that I got it and didn't think it was funny. It's more that I was asleep when you said
it.
-Ian Konen
Of course just because I am not bitter and miserable doesn't mean I don't want to get
some guns and start killing.
-Ian Konen
When I do lose it, I'm going to make sure I do it in a post office just to screw up the
statistics.
-Kevin Kozicki
Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
-Jonathan Kozol
I believe that drugs are basically of more use to the audience than to the artist. I think that
the illusion of oneness with the universe, and absorption with the significance of every
object in your environment, and the pervasive aura of peace and contentment is not the
ideal state for an artist. It tranquilizes the creative personality, which thrives on conflict
and on the clash and ferment of ideas. The artist's transcendence must be within his own
work; he should not impose any artificial barriers between himself and the mainspring of
his subconscious. One of the things that's turned me against LSD is that all the people I
know who use it have a peculiar inability to distinguish between things that are really
interesting and stimulating and things that appear to be so in the state of universal bliss
that the drug induces on a "good" trip. They seem to completely lose their critical
faculties and disengage themselves from some of the most stimulating areas of life.
Perhaps when everything is beautiful, nothing is beautiful.
-Stanley Kubrick
What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?
-Irv Kupcinet
In the wilderness your possessions cannot surround you. Your preconceptions cannot
protect you. Your logic cannot promise you the future. Your guilt can no longer place
you safely in the past. You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes,
chastens, and exults. You see the world as if for the first time…
-Lawrence Kushner
It's funny though: rather than highlight the obscure British pacifists of the 1940s, you'd
think they'd focus on the highest-profile pacifist of all time, Jesus, and his attempts to
pitch pacifism to his fellow Jews in 30 A.D., when the Romans were regularly murdering
chariot-loads of Jews. But heck, Jesus is a pretty popular guy now, so I can see why they
wouldn't want to call him evil and immoral.
-Paul Kvinta
quotes: l
Unless we're talking about my Barbies. They used to capture my brother's GI Joe, tie him
up & then take his stuff.
-Karen Laake
y'know, when everyone's wearing black, you really have to look before you randomly
grab someone's butt.
-Karen Laake
Black's Law Dictionary defines "pro se" as "Appearing for oneself, as in the case of one
who does not retain a lawyer and appears for himself in court." Judges define "pro se" as
"idiot."
-Jay Laefer
The next new episode of Star Trek: Voyager will involve a "space carnivore" that "eats
spaceships."
-Jay Laefer
The policy is no eating, not no food.
-Jay Laefer
Usenet may not be an infinite number of monkeys sitting at keyboards trying to create
Shakespeare, but it's the closest thing we've got.
-Jay Laefer
Naturally, prosecutors pick up a lot of criminal vocabulary, especially in the drug trade,
where criminal words for things are the only words there are; you can say, "He was
holding a deck," or you can say, "He was holding a glassine envelope of a white powdery
substance . . . alleged and believed to be heroin." Crack isn't usually packaged in vials
anymore but in miniature heat-sealed plastic bags, which the dealers call "slabs." The
official and legal term for them is "slabs" as well. To make a rule of this kind of
exception would lead to indictments that read, "To wit, defendant did possess one mad fat
rock of yayo."
-Marcus Laffey
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-Hedy Lamar
There was a fever over the land. A fever of disgrace, of indignity, of hunger. We had a
democracy, yes, but it was torn by elements within. There was, above all, fear. Fear of
today, fear of tomorrow, fear of our neighbors, fear of ourselves. Only when you
understand that can you understand what Hitler meant to us. Because he said to us: 'Lift
up your heads! Be proud to be German! There are devils among us. Communists,
Liberals, Jews, Gypsies! Once the devils will be destroyed, your miseries will be
destroyed.' It was the old, old story of the sacrifical lamb. What about us, who knew
better? We who knew the words were lies and worse than lies? Why did we sit silent?
Why did we participate? Because we loved our country! What difference does it make if
a few political extremists lose their rights? What difference does it make if a few racial
minorities lose their rights? It is only a passing phase. It is only a stage we are going
through. It will be discarded sooner or later. 'The country is in danger.' We will 'march
out of the shadows.' 'We will go forward.' And history tells you how well we succeeded!
We succeeded beyond our wildest dreams. The very elements of hate and power about
Hitler that mesmerized Germany, mesmerized the world! We found ourselves with
sudden powerful allies. Things that had been denied us as a democracy were open to us
now. The world said go ahead, take it! Take Sudetenland, take the Rhineland remilitarize it - take all of Austria, take it! We marched forward, the danger passed. And
then one day, we looked around and found we were in even more terrible danger. The
rites began in this courtroom, swept over our land like a raging, roaring disease! What
was going to be a passing phase became a way of life.
-Burt Lancaster as Ernst Janning in Judgment at Nuremberg
One person can make a very big difference. Most of the time, in fact, that's the only way
very big differences ever get made.
-Rob Landley
By the way, if you ever consider getting involved in any area that requires knowledge of
the symmetry of solids: just do yourself a favor and start flipping burgers.
-Greg Landrum
I've had bowls of spaghetti that were more tightly structured than this argument.
-Anthony Lane
Well in my opinion a battle never works according to plan. The plan is only a common
base for changes. It's very important that everyone should know the plan, so you can
change it easily... the modern battle is very fluid, and you have to make your decisions
very fast -- and mostly not according to plan. But at least everybody knows where you're
coming from, and where you're going to, more or less.
-Gen Dan Laner, Israeli Defense forces commander, Golan Heights, 1973
It was bad. It was kissing-your-sister bad.
-Kenard Lang
Wall Street pays a lot of attention to the Internet, but the Internet doesn't pay much
attention to Wall Street.
-Larry Lang
I need to have some useful applications on there to suppress my nagging concience into
believing I didn't just buy this machine to play Doom on.
-Mark Lang
If anyone had told me back then that getting back to embarrassingly primitive UNIX
would be the great hope and investment obsession of the year 2008, merely because it's
name was changed to LINUX and its source code was opened up again, I never would
have had the stomach or the heart to continue in computer science.
-Jaron Lanier
goddammit, how come the only time i get quotefiled is when i mention penises?
-Len Lanphar
i wish my intestines were multithreaded
-Len Lanphar
If i kill my officemate, can one of you come to court and say I was in Cleveland or
something at the time it happened?
-Len Lanphar
They should start bundling Clue with the linux kernel.
-Len Lanphar
I meet women who use punctuation all the time. Perhaps you're hanging around in the
wrong places.
-Nat Lanza
I'm not carrying another goddamn body for you. Find someone else to carry it to that
secret hole behind your fireplace.
-Nat Lanza
Iraq moves troops close to Syrian border and announces it is a military exercise. The U.S.
moves Patriot missle outfit to Israel with some troops and announces it is a military
exercise. My trainer told me that sometimes you can overdo the exercising.
-Fred Lapides
When guns are outlawed, how will we handle frat boys?
-Kurt Laughlin
For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not
so good results, drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
-Laundry instructions on a shirt
If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
-Anton LaVey
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to
heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they
need more supervision.
-Lynn Lavner
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their
minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.
-T. E. Lawrence
consider your own movement on earth. Even if you are walking in a straight line, the
earth itself is rotating about its axis and revolving around the sun, which in turn is
revolving around the galaxy, which is in turn moving about the universe. So your true
movement in space is nothing like a straight line. It is more like a Zig, a Zag, and then a
Swirl.
-Alfred Lawson
If the enemy is in range, so are you. Incoming fire has the right of way. There is always a
way. The easy way is always mined. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. The enemy invariably
attacks on two occasions: when you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for
them. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. If you can't
remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. The enemy diversion you have been
ignoring will be the main attack. A 'sucking chest wound' is nature's way of telling you to
slow down. If your attack is going well you have walked into an ambush. Never draw
fire, it irritates everyone around you. Anything you do can get you shot, including
nothing. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. If you're short of everything but
the enemy, you're in a combat zone. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell
the enemy. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Remember, once
you pull the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend. It's not the bullet with your
name on it you have to worry about, it's all those other ones labeled 'occupant'.
-The Laws of Combat
There has never been a shortage of people willing to market something-for-nothing
schemes to the gullible. Over the years, there have been perpetual motion machines,
gizmos that you put in the fuel line to "magnetize" your gasoline and make your Eldorado
get 50mpg, and end-to-end QoS schemes.
-Irwin Lazar
In England, the first book in the series was titled "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's
Stone," while American readers, unaccustomed to philosophy in their children's books,
were treated to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."
-David Lazarus
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats - approximately one
billion Chinese couldn't care less.
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom
It is one of the commonest of mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of
perception is also the limit of all there is to perceive.
-C.W. Leadbeater
At first glance, there's a lot of sex on the Internet. Or not at first glance: Nobody can find
anything on the Internet at first glance.
-Senator Patrick Leahy
The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
-Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
The drug war is fueled by the fact that at this historic moment, when American
Liberalism and free enterprise have "won" the Cold War, our politicians are suffering
from enemy deprivation. Faced with the real problems of urhan decay, slipping global
competitiveness, and a deteriorating educational system, Washington has decided instead
to turn its energies toward the 25 million Americans who use and traffic psychoactive
drugs.
-Timothy Leary
There are doors that they won't go in and they don't want us to go in there either because
they're afraid that if we do, we'll learn something that they don't know, and that makes us
a little out of their control.
-Timothy Leary
I've just mastered the art of not laughing in someone's face as I apologize for just
knocking them over.
-Steve "Red Steve" Ledebur
If you're a 300 year old vampire, how come you're not on the guest list yet?
-Steve Ledebur
Oh - the Promise Keepers are forbidden from beating anybody ... but their wives.
-Steve Ledebur
You could call it "selling out". I prefer to call it "buying in".
-Steve Ledebur
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
-Leon Lederman
It's only occurring to me now as I write this down, but it seems that cynicism and
contempt may have actually helped me out of the worst acid trip I've ever had. Punk rock
works!
-Bob Lee
Some people only attach value to things they have to pay for. This is the businessman's
mindset. He believes in Money, with a capital M. It defines him, and his relationship with
the world is interpreted in terms of the flow of cash. This is the work of Adam Smith's
Invisible Hand, which has long been wedged up Adam Smith's Invisible Butt.
-Jeremy Lee
Art consists of inventing and not copying.
-Fernand Léger
The enemy must die, for if he does not, then he won't be dead.
-from the LEGO WARS rules
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
-Ursula Leguin
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
-John Lehman
The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they
prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of
ability.
-Tom Lehrer
If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also
to deny under oath that I ever said it.
-Tom Lehrer
Many of the New York venture people come from an investment banking background.
They're looking more at the decimals. The VCs in California are counting the commas.
-Josh Leibowitz
The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds
of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one
might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way...
-Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Unless it's a Microsoft Power User Demon Program From Hell, most mac programs are
easy to pick up without looking at manuals.
-Laura Lemay
On the Net, the words 'regulation' and 'Internet' are like matter and anti-matter: Put them
together and you hear a loud boom, as libertarians fly in every direction, squawking
furiously.
-Andrew Leonard
You can't beat the Net for beating off.
-Andrew Leonard
"Spooge" is an interesting new term for me! Sounds really yukky...
-John Leong
When two people love each other a very long time (six years or more), sometimes they
kiss. And they kiss because they love each other. Sometimes, after they kiss, a stork
comes and brings a little baby. Of course, if you've only been together for 3 months, you
just knocked your girlfriend up because you didn't use a condom. Right?
-Jamie Lerner
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all
of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new
weaknesses.
-Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
You know it's Unix when the backspace key often performs an action other than deleting
the character to the left of the cursor.
-Raph Levien
Playing on the edge means being willing to go into the unknown. It means approaching
that place where real growth occurs.
-Stephen Levine
A small case of mood poisoning... must have been something I hate.
-Eli Levitt, Wild Palms
good. be a futurist, will you, and go get in your car, go tearing down the road way too
fast, run up to him and slap him? you can say something like "art waits for no pants,
bonbon!" at the end if you want.
-Sean Levy
there is no accounting for taste. there isn't even a budget for it.
-Sean Levy
I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
-Monica Lewinsky discussing weight loss on Larry King Live
Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most
oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral
busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some
point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end,
for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
-C. S. Lewis
Remember that all worlds draw to an end and that noble death is a treasure which no one
is too poor to buy.
-C.S. Lewis
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. ... The only place outside
Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is
Hell.
-C.S. Lewis
As long as you don't sport a goalie mask and wander around screaming: "WOMEN!
WOMEN! Why have you forsaken me?" I don't consider you psycho.
-Jenn Lewis
You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough.
-Joe Lewis
and the fist of darwin shall smite thy stupid ass
-Marcy Lewis
This sounds really kewl, but i dont have a kitty…can i substitute stupid end users?
-Marcy Lewis
If you believe that mathematician Andrew Wiles' proof of Fermat's last theorem has
caused you or a member of your family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455.
-Mark Leyner
History shall confirm or deny our success.
-Libertis mission statement
I was clever today. I went sledding. Except I don't have a sled, so my butt is very cold.
-Jena Barchas Lichtenstein
Freedom of the press belongs to those who own one.
-A. J. Liebling
Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.
-G. Gordon Liddy
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-G. Gordon Liddy
During this period, US world hegemony has often been exercised-sometimes benignly,
sometimes arrogantly-in a generally lazy, half-hearted, absent-minded way. One key
reason for this is that as every US opinion poll and election has shown, the great majority
of Americans, while proud of their "world leadership," are also profoundly uninterested
in the details of its implementation. And the reason for this is that until 8.45am on
September 11th 2001, very few Americans believed in their hearts that anything the rest
of the world could do could seriously harm them.
-Anatol Lieven
The tragedy of this world is that no one is happy, whether stuck in a time of pain or of
joy. The tragedy of this world is that everyone is alone. For a life in the past cannot be
shared with the present. Each person who gets stuck in time gets stuck alone.
-Alan Lightman
Actually, the point of the National Zoo is to imprison animals for the amusement of
sweating Iowans who have come 1500 miles to learn that the fucking pandas are not
available for viewing. You want to jog, go to Rock Creek Park, where the aroma of
steaming primate offal is replaced by fresh car exhaust. Be sure to gesture obscenely at
the cabs, in case they contain tourists. If all works as planned, tourism will drop to zero,
and we can all play squash unhindered in the National Archives rotunda.
-James Lileks
As far as pizza goes, New Yorkers rise to new levels of delusion on this score. What they
call pizza has all the flavor of a manhole cover marinated in brine and topped with three
atoms of sauce and a smear of cheese-flavored spackle. When I'm in New York, I call
Dominos. And I call the one in Dupont Circle.
-James Lileks
DC couture is notoriously ordinary, as though they have a wedding at five, a funeral at
six, and have dressed for the mean. It's because women do serious work here. New York
women dress in case they will be photographed. DC women dress in case they have to
testify.
-James Lileks
I'll grant that New York bagels are superb. Locals claim it's because of the New York
City water; it imparts some special flavor. I know what it is: Plutonium. In 1984 the
Times reported that trace levels of plutonium had been found in local water; I was there
that year, and remember the bagels as especially delicious. That's why DC bagels are
inferior: they use flavors to cover up the use of substandard ingredients, like uranium."
-James Lileks
New Yorkers never look up anyway. Tilt the head back more than 35 degrees and you
might as well hang a RUBE sign around your neck. If King Kong showed up today on the
Empire State building, only German tourists would notice. New Yorkers would notice
only after the rotting body of the dead ape was starting to overwhelm the smell of
uncollected restaurant trash.
-James Lileks
So the District of Columbia is nicer compared to New York. Eva Braun was probably
nicer than Messalina. So? No one lives in either city because it's nice. You live in this
part of the country to make money, crush your inferiors, flatter your betters, and because
the dry cleaners around here are good at getting out blood and adrenalin. You want to
smell trees? Go to Minnesota. Which, incidentally, is what I did. I can snipe at everyone
from here.
-James Lileks
When the remodelling contractor points out that Rome wasn't built in a day, it is
necessary to point out that Rome was, eventually, built.
-James Lileks
I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Oops.
-Tripp Lilley
Do you know about the Eleventh Commandment? It says, "Thou shalt not bore God, or
he will destroy your universe."
-John Lilly
The way to gain security, the way to hold onto our security, is to expand our freedom,
and to affirm that that's what this country is all about.
-Rush Limbaugh
To constrict freedom in the interest of security is to slowly erode the very foundation on
which the country is built.
-Rush Limbaugh
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed,
but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland
they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what
did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
-Harry Lime, The Third Man
Any man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln
Avoid popularity if you would have peace.
-Abraham Lincoln
Prohibition... goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's
appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition
law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.
-Abraham Lincoln
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our
separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for
future use.
-Abraham Lincoln
The world will little note nor long remember what we say here.
-Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him
personally.
-Abraham Lincoln
The ghetto has no exit.
-Natalia Lincoln
There are two rules for success: 1) never tell everything you know.
-Roger H. Lincoln
Speed costs money. How fast do you want to go?
-John Lingenfelter
It has been suggested that the Internet might be a good way to vote for our elected
officials. If my experience is any guide, though, it appears there are still a few bugs to be
worked out before you'll be able to elect the next President while sitting at home in your
underwear, unless you want Kid Rock running the country.
-John Linnell
Well, way back last semester, some one claiming to be a vampire said that his species
was first generated by someone drinking the blood of a dragon. Let me just say right now
that this does not work. I've seen many humans try it over the years and none of them
became a vampire. The only result they achieved was an angry dragon. And an angry
dragon is not something you want to see (or so the survivors told me as they apologized).
I refuse to claim to be a vampire and I refuse to understand why any human should want
to do so. It is useless.
-Ken Lipka
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total
obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And
when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone
there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
-the Litany Against Fear, Dune
In one, Rice vs. Cayetano, the court invalidated a Hawaiian voting scheme with the very
principled determination that native Hawaiians -- unlike Native Americans -- don't
deserve special protection. Don't miss the heartbreaking last paragraph: "When the
culture and way of life of a people are all but engulfed by a history beyond their control,
their sense of loss may extend down through generations." (And here I paraphrase:) "Oh
well. It sucks to be them."
-Dahlia Lithwick
For the LAST TIME, I am not the ruler of the underworld. I told Satan and Ba'alzebub
that, and I don't have time to keep telling it to penny ante fallen angels. Now stop
bothering me and go back to hell or wherever you came from.
-Mark Lively
I'm sorry, I can't have an adventure right now, my Deus ex Machina is in the shop for
repairs.
-Mark Lively
i think i'm allergic to evil, maybe that's it.
-Abby Logsdon
No you don't... you are just confused. Don't worry, I am confused all the time. Trust me,
you get used to it.
-Krys Logston
actually, he's probably using batmail, which is way cooler because it prints out a little
picture of a bat and not everyone knows how to use it.
-Brian Long
You make some breaks and you get some breaks. You don't get lucky unless you ask.
-Brian Long
i don't think you could flame a weener-dog if i gave you a stack o' briquettes, some
lighter fluid, and a small incendiary device.
-Brian Long
Homework is bad. Going home is bad.
-Darrell Long
It's all right; I have to sign his thesis.
-Darrell Long
Run time checking is for wimps. Just give me a core dump, I'll figure it out.
-Darrell Long
You should break a programmer's fingers if they do this.
-Darrell Long on self modifying code
You're a catholic, for christ's sake! You're not supposed to be lenient.
-Darrell Long
discussing nuking things 'til they glow should remind us that war is always a negativesum game. Anyone who believes that it's zero-sum may wish to check the ingredients list
on their Koolaid.
-Dave Long
Natural laws have no pity
-Lazarus Long
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable
subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house.
-Lazarus Long
Cutting her throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
-Lazarus Long
C code and bboards are my only food; I forsake all others, except for leaves from the
Bodhi tree and water sipped from the bladder of a goat.
-Nathan Loofborrow
Clockers: The story of two brothers torn apart by murder... and by their brand spanking
new color PowerMac they use to surf the World Wide Web!
-Nathan Loofborrow
I have also learned my lesson. When the MessagePad says, "your batteries are running
low", it secretly means "You will replace my batteries NOW, or I will subject you to an
endless series of panic-inducing restarts and crash hard, taking all of your appointments
with me unless you were lucky enough to store them on the pcmcia card. Wanna find out
what it feels like to not have any idea who is expecting to meet with you or what they're
expecting you to have done by then, RAT BOY?"
-Nathan Loofborrow
I had not truly experienced pop culture, and therefore had not truly understood the goal of
all civilization to this day, until I heard Cher sing the phrase, "I've got yours, and
Butthead, you've got mine."
-Nathan Loofborrow
Eeyore is trying to tell me something along the lines of "You used to have balls back
when you actually SENT snotty email to Justin Bieber, instead of just talking about it."
-Nathan Loofborrow
See, I am just a frustrated artist. The sex urge feeds into the art urge which feeds into the
computing urge. So I have a need to program a ray tracer to fulfill the previous two levels
of abstration.
-Nathan Loofborrow
sending email is always a sign of courage.
-Nathan Loofborrow
So I saw Alive, pretty cool movie. My review is "Hmm. Tastes kinda like chicken."
-Nathan Loofborrow
Taco Bell... Walk, do not run, for the border.
-Nathan Loofborrow
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
-Sophia Loren
Oh, so you're defending yourself, you coward!
-Peter Lorre
We're not going to review the results of 2006. The results speak for themselves. And
we're not going to recount the fairly remarkable progress that we've made over the past
five years. Our past performance isn't something to dwell on. It's something to build on.
-Microsoft Development annual meeting brochure
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to
correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black
seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each
straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing
together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of
our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from
the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.
-H. P. Lovecraft
Software Engineering is a contact sport.
-Dan Lovinger
Some people have compared the security holes in this system to a hole the size that a 747
could fly through. By now, I would imagine it's up in the range of Star Destroyer class.
-Dan Lovinger
I get a lot of letters like, 'Dear John, I've got a dead alien. What should I do with it?' One
word: barbecue!
-Jon Lovitz, phone book commercial
Would you be terribly upset if I told you that there may possibly be... GUNS... in... the
trunk?
-Jon Lovitz, Trapped In Paradise
Thank you for your total obedience and heartfelt submission.
-Clifford Low
War is human nature, as is murder and random violence. Trying to revise human nature is
the direction of our age to some degree, but it's stupid. The current trend is to suppress or
"safely channel" the human need to destroy, maim, and kill. It's about as sensible towards
violence as the Victorian era was about sex. Let's have a rennaisance of Free Hate to
supplement Free Love.
-Clifford Low
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
-John Lubbock
All the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are
built at all, are dogs.
-David E. Lundstrom
We all are milliseconds from death. It could be lots and lots of milliseconds, but
milliseconds nonetheless.
-Dave Lustig
I have always found music during sex to be exceptionally difficult as I can never
concentrate on sex AND playing the guitar at the same time. My ex played the drums and
this meant that we just couldn't get comfortable in any position where sex was possible
and she could still reach the drums. So we gave up.
[email protected]
Diversity in interfaces is the only way to protect ourselves. Well, that and small caliber
handguns, but only if we can actually track down the perpetrators.
-Dan Lyke
This isn't to say that there aren't advantages for developments such as Los Angeles.
Concentrating the types of people who actually LIKE smog-filled valleys, non-native
foliage and awful sprawling suburbs near fault lines is maybe a good thing.
-Dan Lyke
Who needs a computer when you've got balls?
-Des Lynam
In fact, we would invest in broadband carrier pigeons if someone could find a way for
them to deliver two gigabits into the home.
-Bruce Lynn, group manager, network solutions, Microsoft
quotes: m
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a continuous
stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national emergency... Always there
has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by
furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never
to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
-General Douglas MacArthur
Yours is the profession of arms, the will to win, the sure knowledge that in war there is
no substitute for victory, that if you lose, the nation will be destroyed, that the very
obsession of your public service must be duty, honor, country.
-General Douglas MacArthur
No war ought ever to be undertaken but under circumstances which render all intercourse
of courtesy between the combatants impossible. It is a bad thing that men should hate
each other; but it is far worse that they should contract the habit of cutting one another's
throats without hatred. War is never lenient but where it is wanton; when men are
compelled to fight in self-defence, they must hate and avenge: this may be bad; but it is
human nature.
-Thomas B. Macaulay, "Milford's History of Greece"
A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all
ages.
-Colin MacDonald
After riding a motorcycle, riding a car is like riding a living room. Except Claudia's car,
which is like riding your crazy grandmother's attic.
-Colin MacDonald
Don't burn your bridges while you're standing on them.
-Colin MacDonald
Gee, hopefully I'll be less drunk this time so I can remember what I did.
-Colin MacDonald
If you're a Mac user who depends on fonts for your work, you probably fall into one of
two categories (we hesitate to say types): You don't even pretend to understand the Mac's
font architecture and you have a difficult time managing your typefaces, or you're an
experienced user with a thorough understanding of the Mac's font architecture and you
have a difficult time managing your typefaces.
-MacUser
It is a common failing of man not to take account of tempests during fair weather.
-Machiavelli
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of
success, nor more dangerous to managment than the creation of a new system. For the
initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institution
and merely lukewarm defenders in those who gain by the new ones.
-Machiavelli
Being rich isn't about money. Being rich is a state of mind. Some of us, no matter how
much money we have, will never be free enough to take time to stop and eat the heart of
the watermelon. And some of us will be rich without ever being more than a paycheck
ahead of the game.
-Harvey B. Mackay,
There comes a time in the history of any project when it becomes necessary to shoot the
engineers and begin production.
-MacUser, November 1990
Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked,
"What wine goes best with an M-16?" The guy who answered did his best to be helpful:
"That depends. What are you smoking?"
-Michael Maciolek
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign
enemy.
-James Madison
A unix signature isn't a return address, it's the ASCII equivalent of a black velvet clown
painting. It's a rectangle of carets surrounding a quote from a literary giant of weeniedom
like Heinlein or Dr. Who.
-Chris Maeda
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except those that just don't add up.
-James Magary
I notice that on each box, there is the phrase "Baked by authority of Girl Scouts of the
USA." I suddenly picture a little girl scout handing someone a big rolled doobie and
saying, "Here you go. You have my permission to smoke it."
-Jeff Magnuson
I have a headache this big, and it has a boot to the head written all over it.
-Jeff Magnuson
I thought they stuck with their call letters - WHFS (White Heroin addicts From Seattle)?
-Jeff Magnuson
I've heard so much Green Day that I've got dookie coming out my ears.
-Jeff Magnuson
Step one: Pour gin in a glass. Step two: Drink gin. Step three: Repeat 15 times.
-Jeff Magnuson
That was so funny, I just shot milk out my nose. Which is strange, because I am not
drinking milk right now.
-Jeff Magnuson
Well, the real question is when is Karen going to get a cool tattoo on her butt?
-Jeff Magnuson
Why don't you come over to my place? I've got a bathtub full of MAYONAISE!
-Jeff Magnuson
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise
by his questions.
-Naguib Mahfouz
Yellow and blue make green... thanks, next you're going to tell me that red and blue make
purple. Wonderful.
-Paolo Malabuyo
'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
-Malaclypse the Younger
There are plans afoot to connect every teenager in the US to the internet by the year 2010.
Most of these, considered as individual units, are barely able either to understand or to
write a coherent English paragraph, yet aggregrate them them into one vast world wide
parallel computational soup and it's almost impossible to underestimate what they might
achieve.
-Chris Malcolm
I'll get the implanted cellphone. With an answering machine for when I'm out of my head.
-David Malcolm
As for two years from now... who knows where it'll be. I think we'll ideally be doing a lot
of the same stuff, but maybe with spell checking.
-Rob Malda
Let me just say that it is super wierd throwing your own bash at a conference instead of
just leeching off everyone else's, but hey, free beer, right?
-Rob Malda
We're people just like you who happen to be huge and muscle-bound and own a truck.
-Mambo Movers slogan
Hell! HELL!! I'VE WORKED IN THE COMP CENTER FOR TWO FUCKING
YEARS!!! HELL WOULD SEEM LIKE CLUB MED!!!!
-Dean Mancine
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
-Nelson Mandela
We ask ourselves--Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who
are we not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
-Nelson Mandela
Because of the subtlety of differences within the same range of styles, it took more time
to fathom other people than it does to read their philosophical bottom lines, so to speak,
on their pants, buttons, caps or T-shirts. To probe candidates for friendship and other
intimacies, one had to talk to them, which is unquestionably less efficient than it is to
look around a room, decide, "They're all jerks," and go home and play computer games.
-Miss Manners
Her other recommendation, which also applies equally to conventional weddings, is
actually at odds with the unfortunate current practices of society as a whole. That is to
plan the occasion remembering that its purpose is not to show off your love for each
other, but to establish yourselves as a public and dignified unit in the society in which
you move.
-Miss Manners
If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of Etiquette.
-Miss Manners
Miss Manners does not recommend anyone's inviting society as a whole to any social
event. Society as a whole doesn't approve of anything.
-Miss Manners
Miss Manners is not quite so naive as to believe that love produces any agreement of
views after that first rapturous discovery that both people like movies and the outdoors.
-Miss Manners
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:
entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great
deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.
As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances can the food be omitted.
-Miss Manners
You can take a pile of rocks and use them to build a house, or you can take the same pile
and start a war. Tell children not to throw rocks, make rules against picking up rocks, and
then make mad. Keep projecting what not to do and you make the thought in their brains
of what can and will be done.
-Charles Manson
the internet is the trailer park for the soul
-Marilyn Manson
I was 15. She was punk. D.R.I. was playing "Dead in a Ditch" and our friends were
waiting for us in a nearby park (we went out to get the cold malt liquor). As we bonded in
the backseat of her Honda, I told her I loved her. She said "Don't ruin it".
[email protected]
A revolution is not a dinner party.
-Mao Tse Tung
If and when the Feds get special authority (and exemptions from the Bill of Privileges) to
go after terrorists, we will be absolutely amazed to find out just how many terrorists there
are in this country. Thousands, maybe millions-- at least one under every bed and several
behind every bush.
-Ted Marcus
There are only two things of importance. One is the customer, and the other is the
product. If you take care of customers, they come back. If you take care of your product,
it doesn't come back. It's just that simple. And it's just that difficult.
-Stanley Marcus
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then
teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
-Marin Paper TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
-Mark 8:36
I find it very disturbing that you people know how to use my penis better than I do.
-Tatia Markland
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him _whose_?
-Don Marquis
A true capitalist fights with their wallet. A true anarchist fights with the opponents' wallet
-Jessica Marrell
I don't use computers like I don't give myself enemas - they're both occasionally useful,
and I know how to do them both, but really, I could just go stub my toe for the fun of it.
-Jessica Marrell
There is a differerence between being different and being new, a difference between
questioning social customs and just being rude, a difference between being daring and
simply breaking rules. Most people do not understand this difference. It makes them easy
to tell them apart.
-Jessica Marrell
You need to understand... no... wait... you don't...
-Jessica Marrell
Post mortem debugging can be fun, especially when you get to see the victim die over
and over again in slow motion!
-Greg Marriott
Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days
late because he had been swallowed by a whale.
-Gabriel Garcia Marquez
It is not enough to fight. It is the spirit which we bring to the fight that decides the issue.
It is morale that wins the victory.
-General George Catlett Marshall, "Military Review"
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time,
but fooling Usenet doesn't take much time at all.
-Kevin Martin
He's got a neon sign above his head that says 'asshat'.
-Mecal Martin
Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it's almost impossible to
predict what might occur even in the next decade. E-mail, which now sends data hurtling
across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication
such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.
Let's suppose that you want to say, "I am a jerk." In the 18th century, you would have to
go around person to person and utter the phrase individually to each one of them.
However, here in the third millennium, with our advances in telephone communication, it
is possible to say, "I am a jerk" to a thousand people at a time by forgetting to turn off
your cell phone and having it ring during a performance of "Death of a Salesman."
-Steve Martin
The dogma of the church was challenged in the mid-17th-century by Renee Descartes's
famous pronouncement "Cogito ergo sum" ("I am nervous about having to add"), and the
age of rationalism began. Rationalism then gave way to empiricism, and David Hume
declared that it was impossible to know if anything existed at all, though later he recanted
when he stubbed his toe on a doorjamb.
-Steve Martin
Bring Captain Solo and the stock options to me.
-Dan Martinez
But perhaps it's unfair to berate Microsoft for little shortcomings like these. Clearly, they
had weightier issues to grapple with. Who's got time to do usability testing when you're
struggling to empower your users with the ability to surround text with a border of
animated flashing marquee lights, Las Vegas style?
-Dan Martinez
But while we're on the subject of file formats, let's pause for a moment in frank
admiration of the way in which Microsoft brazenly built backward-incompatibility into
its product. By initially making it virtually impossible to maintain a heterogenous
environment of previous systems, Microsoft offered its customers that most eloquent of
arguments for upgrading: the delicate sound of a revolver being cocked somewhere just
out of sight.
-Dan Martinez
Crafty weasel-like hedging? From moi? You don't say.
-Dan Martinez
Dear Nigerian Spammers, Thank you for your recent note, which I shall treasure as much
for its blatantly forged headers as for its inept use of the English language and carefree
disregard for hoary, hidebound, established conventions of legible formatting or coherent
punctuation.
-Dan Martinez
Do not meddle in the affairs of Win32, for it is subtle, and quick to anger.
-Dan Martinez
Dude, your company is teetering on the very BRINK of technological RELEVANCE.
Now is not the time to make feeble sport of the company whose BOOTED HEEL is at
your THROAT.
-Dan Martinez
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dan, and I'll be your designated ranter
for the evening. Flying spittle is one of the risks of attending a live performance, so you
may wish to shield yourselves with your dessert menus.
-Dan Martinez
have I ever told you how much more authoritative and convincing your arguments sound
when you sprinkle them liberally with expletives? No, really. I'm just so completely won
over by the forcefulness and lucidity of your rhetoric.
-Dan Martinez
Hey! Anyone for another round of "Reinstall Service Pack 4"?
-Dan Martinez
Hey, man -- if there's one thing we need more of around here, it's enough rope to hang
ourselves with.
-Dan Martinez
I could have sharp, bony projections sprouting from my body at all angles, reek of
sulphur and brimstone, and sport a tongue pocked with the occasional eyeball; I'd still be
able to get geek dates as long as I was female.
-Dan Martinez
I don't buy the notion that Tomb Raider was a hit because of Lara Croft's unusually large,
um... polygon count.
-Dan Martinez
Either way, I'd guess that knowledge of the contents could probably get me arrested in
several states.
-Dan Martinez
Yeah, yeah. Glass houses and all that. Pot. Kettle. Your mama.
-Dan Martinez
I have been placed upon this Earth to torment you. YOU....
-Dan Martinez
I haven't yet decided whether the blame for this arrangement belongs to Netscape or to
Apple, as could be inferred from the fact that no one's been seriously injured for it yet.
-Dan Martinez
I hope we will pull into San Franciso with a truck full of guns and hearts full of hate.
-Dan Martinez
I don't know whether to be really pleased, or to succumb to the feeling of impending
disaster and of tampering with unholy forces that always attends tinkering with the
Registry.
-Dan Martinez
I no longer wish to destroy an inanimate object. I wish to murder it.
-Dan Martinez
I think that your faith in the wisdom of Congress is grossly misplaced. Don't forget that
this is the same body which said, while proudly passing the PATRIOT and USA acts,
"We're going to replace the fine toilet tissue we normally use with the U.S. Constitution.
Let's wipe our asses and see if the Supreme Court notices."
-Dan Martinez
I'd hesitate to accuse anyone of being outright corrupt, but I'll admit that I'm probably not
going to expect a hard, searching look at all things Microsoft from magazines with names
like "Windows Sources" and "Windows Computing" When you have the name of a
company's product in your title, and every other product you review requires that
company's product in order to be useful, you probably don't need to do a spectrographic
analysis to figure out which side your bread's buttered on. All of the above
notwithstanding, Ziff-Davis as a corporate entity is so far down your pants that they need
to run a pressurized air hose down there just to breathe.
-Dan Martinez
I'm not sure what kind of career path one can look forward to as a nomadic cityvaporizing lunatic, but it's got to be worth a try.
-Dan Martinez
And the LORD spake unto them, saying, 'Partake not of the fruits of the Xing player, for
its keys are not encrypted in accordance with the licensing agreement; it is an
abomination.'
-Dan Martinez
If your spirit has become karmically burdened with the belief that obvious wire work
somehow detracts from rather than contributes to the enjoyment of a Hong Kong film,
you are not merely unready to leave the temple, but in imminent danger of being forcibly
confined to your cell.
-Dan Martinez
Ignore me. I'm raving. If you put me under glass and pumped out all the air right now, I'd
burn for a thousand years. I am full of hate, and it's got nothing to do with you. Nothing
to see here. Move along.
-Dan Martinez
It could be argued that I know slightly less about what it means to be in a healthy longterm relationship than your average monkey does about what it feels like to drown in
quicksand.
-Dan Martinez
It was like watching a first-year film student's halfhearted attempt at a satire of superspy
movies, except that he had an unlimited budget courtesy of his insane rich uncle, and
editing courtesy of the strung-out smack-addict roommate he felt vaguely sorry for. I
think we were also hoping against hope for something to happen that would make it all
worthwhile, or at least make sense. Maybe Uma Thurman would shed her human skin…
-Dan Martinez
It's incidents like these which serve to reinforce my conviction that if Khruschev and
Kennedy had had e-mail during the Cuban Missile Crisis, we wouldn't be sitting here
speculating about it.
-Dan Martinez
Jesus Christ, will you east coasters GET TO BED?!?
-Dan Martinez
Join Computing Services! Good pay! Flexible hours! No adult supervision!
-Dan Martinez
Messing with the user's expectations of the CD user interface isn't a good way of
demonstrating your hip, iconoclastic sensibilities. It isn't a good way of demonstrating
anything, really, except maybe what a complete bunch of self-indulgent fucktoids you
are.
-Dan Martinez
Must... restrain... condescending Unix user fist of death!
-Dan Martinez
Nicely put. However, as any anally retentive person will happily tell you, "anal-retentive"
takes a hyphen.
-Dan Martinez
You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.
-Dan Martinez
Perl is the crystal meth of programming: it's so incredibly useful when you need to do a
large amount of work in a small amount of time that you tend to overlook the fact that it's
basically precipitating the implosion of your vital organs.
-Dan Martinez
Speaking of flaming assholes: there have been a number of times, most of them
experienced while I watched or listened to the news, when I heard about one factional
squabble or another, and thought, "These people don't really disagree. They've just been
caught up in their own rhetoric. If a neutral party were to step in and explain each side's
point of view to the other, they'd see that they have more similarities than differences."
I've sometimes fancied myself as that third party: objective, reasonable, tolerant, able to
portray each group's goals in terms which the other would understand and find
acceptable…... So it's something of an eye-opener to realize that, no, the problem is in
fact not one of terminology at all: the man's potato has simply been baking too long.
-Dan Martinez
Suddenly, I'm unable to shake visions of Stormtroopers in bell-bottomed combat armor,
Imperial Officers wearing big, ugly gold medallions, Grand Moff Tarkin ordering the
obliteration of planets from his hot tub, and the Death Star as a moon-sized disco globe
from my mind. And it's not even 9:00 pm. Gad.
-Dan Martinez
That tinkling sound in the background -- that's the sound of my whole little world
shattering
-Dan Martinez
That's all there is to it! Wasn't that fun? We sure hope so, because you're going to have to
do it EVERY SINGLE TIME you want to modify a style! Oh, we know. You can hardly
wait. We can see you trembling with excitement now. Did the vein in your temple always
throb like that?
-Dan Martinez
That'd be cool. Unfortunately, being a hapless loser, I chose to pursue computer science,
instead of doing the manly thing and learning to drive big rigs at the Diesel Institute.
-Dan Martinez
The idea that we're governed by some larger intelligence when we crowd together in
sufficient numbers would certainly explain a lot, though. Nazism. Woodstock. The
Macarena.
-Dan Martinez
The repeated juxtaposition of "salary" and "penis length" has evoked in me an irrational
but persistent anticipation that someone is going to make a post announcing how many
inches they make in a year.
-Dan Martinez
The sibilant succession surmising "sixty-six satellites" sounded somewhat silly.
-Dan Martinez
The world's various religions are just beginning their research into Clerical Acceleration,
and it will be a number of years before they can even begin to consider reaching nearluminal velocities. This is a shame, since it means that a number of tantalizing theories
must remain little more than speculation at this point, and a number of fundamental
questions go unanswered. For instance, if a Catholic priest's speed were to come close to
that of light, and it were Sunday in his frame of reference, would he in fact approach
infinite Mass?
-Dan Martinez explains relativistic morality
If this is not your answer, please administer yourself one dope slap, so as to spare me the
time and expense of cross-country travel. Then rearrange things so that it is your answer.
-Dan Martinez
You are talking about the Count Dracula of the computing world. The tree large enough
that a stake capable of killing COBOL could be fashioned from its trunk has not yet
grown anywhere upon the face of this verdant planet.
-Dan Martinez
You're Grand Moff Berkun -- Grand Moff Tarkin's younger and much shrewder cousin,
who was quietly building a power base in an outlying sector while his brutish relative
was getting himself and Emperor Palpatine's expensive hardware blown to atoms at
Yavin Four.
-Dan Martinez
You're right, of course. Let's get back to the order of the day: petty bickering!
-Dan Martinez
You're thinking of Captain Pedantic's faithful sidekick, Kid Sphincter. Not to be confused
with Buttboy, who appeared alongside Pedantic and Sphincter in an eight-issue limited
series, but was never made into a regular character.
-Dan Martinez
Well, on the one hand I feel as though I might be perilously close to encouraging the birth
of some kind of cult of personality or something. On the other hand, I'm a shameless egowhore, so... sure.
-Dan Martinez
What's that application, you ask? What obscure, rogue, poorly-written, backwater hack
could fail to interact properly to an interface setting built into the operating system itself?
Why, it's Visual C++.
-Dan Martinez
Windows CE, while storing dates as 64-bit quantities, uses a minimum tick size of 100
nanoseconds, and starts counting from some point in the 1600s -- I'm guess that to be the
inception of the Gregorian calendar. CE dates are therefore "only" good for
approximately fifty thousand years. I'm going to go on record as saying that if there are
any CE devices still in existence at that point, they will all be under glass, in museums,
and the bulk of their internals will long since have rotted into uselessness as a
consequence of metal migration. (And if I'm wrong, you may wander over to my severed
head, floating in its amniotic tank at the Hall of Oddities, and say "Neener, neener,
neener".)
-Dan Martinez
Microsoft has at last succeeded in reproducing in the Windows arena an upgrade so vile,
so utterly beyond accomodation, that users will go digging through their attics in search
of the media needed to install the previous version.
-Dan Martinez
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-Groucho Marx
These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
-Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana.
-Groucho Marx
Capital is dead labor that, vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labor, and lives the
more, the more labor it sucks.
-Karl Marx, Das Capital
You're free to be as much of an asshole as you wish -- as long as I'm not paying for it.
-Todd Masco
France has culture but no civilization. England has civilization but no culture. The United
States has neither. Canada has both.
-Robin Mathews
The Air Force pinned a medal on me for killing a man and discharged me for making
love to one.
-Leonard Matlovich
...what's the point of making non-addictive drugs illegal? If anything which alters the
mental state of the individual is to be illegal in case he's unable to function in society, can
we have a ban on religion please?
[email protected]
If a child, an untrained person, an ignorant person, or an insane person incites trouble, it
is the fault of authority for not predicting and preventing that trouble.
-Paul Maud'Dib, Dune
My father once told me that respect for the truth comes close to being the basis for all
morality. 'Something cannot emerge from nothing,' he said. This is profound thinking if
you understand how unstable 'the truth' can be.
What do you despise? By this you are truly known.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to
do with it.
-W. Somerset Maugham
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening
effect of a habit.
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it
is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.
In this world of sin and sorrow if virtue triumphs over vice it is not because it is virtuous,
but because it has bigger and better guns…
-W. Somerset Maugham, Then and Now
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often
get it.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
I've decided that the dinosaurs weren't killed by a giant asteroid. My new theory is that
the facilities staff just decided they were too difficult to maintain.
-Michael Mauldin
What I used to able to pass off as another bad summer could now potentially turn into a
bad life.
-Max, Kicking & Screaming
Before we go on, a word to the wise. What we're suggesting here is that you install parts
of a development-level, unsupported operating system and install them onto a similarbut-not-identical, still-in-beta operating system. This is frighteningly close to the thin line
that separates geekery and madness. If you run into trouble, we'd be interested to know
just how long it would take Apple to quit laughing at you before they told you they
couldn't help.
-maximumlinux.com
Being condescending and rude is appropriate when an argument is so pointless and stupid
that one needs that "extra special edge" to win.
-Justin Maxwell
History! Tradition! Culture! These are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den
as PAPERWEIGHTS!
-Marvin Mayflower, "Hudson Hawk"
'Ben-Gay' now comes is an Extra Strength variety. "Always check first."
-Paul Mazaitis
Cats are essentially narcissistic masochists.
-Paul Mazaitis
Childish as it may be, line three gives us more clues to the rhyme scheme of our fledging
work. This turn of events safely rules out a Sicilian Sonnet (abababab cdecde/cdcdce), the
sonetto rispetto (ababccdd efgefg/efefef), and the English Sonnet (ababcdcdefefgg). The
Spencerian Sonnet (abab bcbc cdcd ee) is also ruled out, because they suck to write.
-Paul Mazaitis
destroy destroy. stand up. walk around
-Paul Mazaitis
I KNOW you, sir. I have SEEN you TRAIPSE on the FIELDS of the APACAPSE. I have
WATCHED you BEACH your BOAT on the BRANDED SANDS of the ISLE MOTAG.
I have FELT the ANGELS BLEEDING, their SOILED SWEAT landing with a
TRICKLE upon your UNFETTERED BROW. I have TASTED the BLACK GUM you
have left on our SWEET STREETS in your MAD CHASE for the next SPEED BUMP.
With my LEFT HAND I have USHERED IN this AGE, and with my RIGHT, this
BURRITO. I. KNOW. YOU.
-Paul Mazaitis
I'd also like to say that I'm sick of hearing about guns. Guns guns guns. Will you people
get some sex or something?
-Paul Mazaitis
If I end up buying these CDs because of this, I'm gonna slap you so hard you'll think I
ended this sentence with something clever.
-Paul Mazaitis
New For Spring on NBC's Wednesday 'Must See TV' lineup: _Idealist at Heart_, the
wacky adventures of cynical Gen X'ers struggling to find some semblance of intelligent
management in corporate America.
-Paul Mazaitis
People are stupid. ALL THE TIME.
-Paul Mazaitis
The distance between Heaven and Hell is measured not in miles but in moments.
-Paul Mazaitis
This is, of course, too beautiful for me to put into context.
-Paul Mazaitis
We looked at the programs and the parties, and they're all the same, only with different
famous people, and they're all the same as well. You aren't going to look back on this in
twenty years. There's no ideal place to be. Well, except maybe Natalie Portman's lap.
-Paul Mazaitis
You can fool some of the people some of the time, the rest are fooling themselves.
-Thomas McBride
You need an exit strategy to be able to walk away a winner, and today, mine was
realized.... Effective today at midnight, I have resigned from America Online Inc. in
order to spend money, race motorcycles, and drink scotch. I am, at age 27.85, retired. It's
the American Dream, but with less full frontal nudity and more political undertones…
-Hal McCabe, in his goodbye e-mail
Yoda wouldn't hear of it. He was insistent that he work with Frank Oz again if we wanted
him back. He told us, "Frank Oz! Or I will help you not!"
-Rick Mccallum
That which does not freak us out, makes us stronger.
-Woody McCandlish
The measure on a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be
found out.
-Thomas McCauley
The decisions that really matter are made outside the democratic process.
-Anne McClintock, University of Wisconsin
The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste you time waving your hands and hopping
when a rock or a club will do.
-McCloctnick the Lucid
There's nothing like a five year old getting hit by napalm to make your morning if you
don't have coffee.
-Dave McClory
But, I thought that was why I liked UNIX? The incompatibilities, the arcane syntax. I
hope some day to contribute some really bad software to it.
-Scott McClung
All this proves is that anyone setting themselves up as a kind of digital moral compass
quickly finds themselves plunged into a kind of virtual Bermuda Triangle, where vertigo
reigns and you hope to hell you pop out the other side still on course. Technology is
never a substitute for conscience.
-Declan McCullagh
Lots of Mozilla architecture begins with a premise that is hard to put in context. As if
every problem sounds like: if you take every faculty member from every college in the
U.S. and lay them end to end, how many engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-David McCusker
ah, the infamous "Booth Babes". Avoid them for they are specially trained to extract
corporate secrets.
-Chad McDaniel
i am the 'travel bingo' of the information superhighway
-Chad McDaniel
I herd cyberpunks on the electronic frontier.
-Chad McDaniel
Is it bad when you start to think of work as "that place with the really fast internet
connection"?
-Chad McDaniel
There is no interest in the common good.
-Ian McDiarmid as Senator Palpatine, "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace"
Winners always want the ball when the game is on the line.
-McGinty, "The Replacements"
Small towns in Germany are usually about ten kilotons apart.
-Jake McGuire
Audiophiles know squat about auditory perception and Shannon's sampling theorem, so
we get these misconceptions about CDs and tubes repeated again and again, and these
misconceptions influence what people believe they hear when they play their systems
(especially audiophiles, who are both near-deaf and extremely gullible).
-William McIlhagga
Considering that over half the traffic on this list is in response to postings or forwards
from others, I do believe that you may have a better crack connection than the rest of us,
and suggest you kick down with your contact before the IS Death Squad opens a Trouble
Ticket on yer ass.
-Dana McIntosh
While my duties as a serf are not onerous, involving mostly turnip-gathering, woodhewing, pig-minding and the maintenance of a large object-oriented DBMS written in
C++, and I have no real reason to complain of my lot in life, you will understand if I am
not immediately in a position to take advantage of the possibilities offered by your no
doubt excellent handbook.
-Angus McIntyre
Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron, because I said so.
-Matt McIrvin
I think you CAN make progress spiritually with psychedelics, but not
necessarily.....Aldous Huxley said of psychedelics that they are neither necessary nor
sufficient for the attaining of salvation. He called them 'gratuitous graces', meaning you're
sure glad you have them, but they're neither necessary nor sufficient.
-Terence McKenna
What is waiting to be born is a psychedelic ethic, a moral vision that could be a
counterweight to the Fundamentalist vision and the Existentialist vision, both of which
are observed to be inadequate.
-Terence McKenna
When you cease to believe that you're Nobody and you begin to believe that you might
be Somebody, this is considered proof of severe mental disturbance…
-Terence McKenna
Eknath Easwaran, the California meditation teacher whose book "Gandhi the Man" is the
simplest, and therefore loveliest, of the many Gandhi biographies, describes seeing
Gandhi meditate during the evening prayer service in the last years of his life. The text
that evening was from the second chapter of the Gita. As the sonorous verses were read,
you could see him completely absorbed, his mind growing calm and still. His
concentration was so complete that it was no longer the second chapter you were
listening to, it was the second chapter you were seeing, witnessing for yourself the
transformation it describes: "They are forever free who have broken, Out of the ego-cage
I and mine, To be united with the Lord of Love. This is the supreme state. Attain thou
this And pass from death to immortality." On the other hand, you could have 200 Gb, a
128xCD/DVD, 6 Gb RAM and a smug dose of superiority.
-Bill McKibben, Salon
The laws of Congress and the laws of physics have grown increasingly divergent, and the
laws of physics are not likely to yield.
-Bill McKibben
Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language for no reason at
all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason.
-Fitz McKinzie
Get next to a clue and hope the wind blows, dude.
-Fitz McKinzie
Remember, the strong get funded...the weak get jobs. As it should be.
-Bob McKisson
Venture Capitalists are among the most incestuous creatures on the planet. If your
presentation clicks in the hearts and minds of the folks at Novak-Biddle, Draper or Sutter
Hill, to think that FBR, NEA or ATV won't be studying your Plan within 48 hours, is like
believing that the woman you were out with Saturday night won't be on the phone to her
girlfriend Sunday giggling over the steamy details.
-Bob McKisson
When Keebler releases an XML spec, they might describe it as "baked by tiny recursive
elves" or something.
-David McCusker
Nietzsche must have had a bad childhood.
-Rob McLay
hey, he knows the terms. I'm like a porn site. there are benefits and a tour for nonmembers.
-Colleen McManus
I'm so gothic I have BATS IN MY HOUSE. Have you ever had a BAT swoop at your
HEAD? You forget about booty REAL QUICK.
-Colleen McManus
HEY! WE SHOULD HANG OUT! WHO'S THE HOTTIE? Did she get attacked at the
estee lauder counter?
-Colleen McManus
She is lying. It's obvious. ...the middle class lies well only about sex.
-McCone, The Running Man
The big debate was over the "free" in "free software." The way it was characterized
politically, you had copyright, which is what the big companies use to lock everything
up; you had copyleft, which is free software's way of making sure they can't lock it up;
and then Berkeley had what we called copycenter, which is take it down to the copy
center and make as many copies as you want.
-Kirk McKusick
There are no passengers on spaceship earth. We are all crew.
-Marshall McLuhan
Microsoft is now talking about the digital nervous system. I guess I would be nervous if
my system was built on their technology too.
-Scott McNealy
Microsoft says we're 100 percent committed to Java, but we're not pure. I don't think my
wife would buy it if I said, 'Honey, I'm 100 percent committed, but I'm not pure.'
-Scott McNealy
Okay, wait. We majored in golf in business school. Could somebody tell me what this
thing does?
-Scott McNealy
Bringing the original Black Sabbath with Ozzy Osbourne to New Jersey is like ... what,
bringing the Olympics to Athens? There's an Ozzy Osbourne service area on our Garden
State Parkway. Our state bird is the Headless Bat. The State Legislature failed to elect a
chairman one year in the early '80s, issuing instead a proclamation that "Ozzy rules
forever."
-Gavin McNett, Salon
Probably the four biggest reasons for a slowdown in network innovation are AT&T
Wireless, Verizon Wireless, Sprint Nextel and T-Mobile.
-John McQuillan
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used
against you.
[email protected]
'me' is a token, it returns whoever calls 'me'. in general though, whenever people call 'me'
they get my answering machine, because i'm never home
-me
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.
Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.
-Margaret Mead
One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you
don't come home at night.
-Margaret Mead
The network is the business.
-Mary Meeker
That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect.
-Edwin Meese III
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-Golda Meir
Anyone who disagrees with me is a communist.
[email protected]
Does anyone else ever get the distinct impression that some day a group of people in suits
are going to walk into your office or your home and say, 'We've got you now! You had
everyone thinking you were a grown up, but you're not. Now get your things. Your
mother's got supper on the table and you have to be in bed by 7:30.' Or is it just me?
-Cynthia Melcher
Democracy is grounded upon so childish a complex of fallacies that they must be
protected by a rigid system of taboos, else even halfwits would argue it to pieces. Its first
concern must thus be to penalize the free play of ideas.
-H.L. Mencken
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to
get it good and hard.
-H. L. Mencken
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
and begin slitting throats.
-H. L. Mencken
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
-H. L. Mencken
In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility, and this
assumption was correct, as it always is.
-H.L. Mencken
In this world of sin and sorrow, there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I
rejoice that I am not a Republican.
-H.L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
-H. L. Mencken
Of government, at least in democratic states, it may be said briefly that it is an agency
engaged wholesale, and as a matter of solemn duty, in the performance of acts which all
self-respecting individuals refrain from as a matter of common decency.
-H.L. Mencken
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a an endless
standing in line.
-H.L. Mencken
The best teacher, until one comes to adult pupils, is not the one who knows most, but the
one who is most capable of reducing knowledge to that simple compound of the obvious
and the wonderful which slips into the infantile comprehension...The best teacher of
children, in brief, is one who is essentially childlike.
-H.L. Mencken
Five months of torturous pain is a long time, Diablo. Five months of nothing but
pondering revenge against you and your friend Twix. That, and reading 'Newsweek.' And
sampling different varieties of Ben 'N' Jerry's wonderful ice cream flavors. And of course
the occasional game of Yahtzee, but as we all know, my sentient pea-plant henchmen
aren't very good game players, so there was little challenge there. They often ate the dice.
But mostly, I pondered revenge. Revenge and monkeys. Monkeys are funny.
-Mendel, "Goats"
Do you think it's a coincidence that insurance companies ask people if they do the sorts
of stuff we do?
-Mike Mengason
If you want to dine with the devil, bring a long spoon.
-Mercy, Cyborg 2
Finding bad websites is a little like stalking a herd of dairy cows with an uzi.
-merilus.com
Only flirt with those you intend to refuse: then you acquire a reputatation for
invincibility, whilst slipping away with the lover of your choice. A poor choice is less
dangerous than an obvious choice. Never write letters. Get them to write letters. Always
be sure they think they're the only one. Win or die.
-Marquise De Merteuil, Les Liaisons Dangereuses
When I came out into society I was 15. I already knew then the role I was condemned to,
namely to keep quiet and do what I was told. It gave me the perfect opportunity to listen
and observe. Not to what people told me, which naturally was of no interest to me, but to
whatever it was they were trying to hide. I practiced detachment. I learned how to look
cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork onto the back of my hand. I became a
virtuoso of deceit. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers
to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end
it all came down to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die.
-Marquise De Merteuil, Dangerous Liasons
it is only the strong who are capable of ripping off their own limbs.
-Matt Messner
excuse me, i'll just be over here reading the student employment book of the mormon.
-Tosh Meston
This was not a trivial matter. The helmet in question was Darth Vader's helmet.
-Hon. John Metcalf
Alcohol can clean a bathroom, it ought to be able to clean your arteries.
-Ted Metzler
I am the ultimate artiste and everything I do, from my painting and drawing to blowing
my nose and emptying my bladder qualifies as art. I have many jars of my "art" if you
want to buy some.
-Ted Metzler
Sure, I have a lust for life, but I'm not really ready to make a commitment.
-Ted Metzler
That's Yngwie J. Malmsteeen to you. The "J" is, of course, to distinguish him from the
multitudes of other Yngwie Malmsteens operating in the Heavy Metal genre.
-Ted Metzler
There's 'bound' if you care to see debauchery and fetishism at its worst...and who doesn't?
-Ted Metzler
You've got to be suspicious of any sentence that begins, "The funniest thing I have ever
seen in a urinal..."
-Ted Metzler
pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer
industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer
graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
-Jeff Meyer
Programmatically is a Microsoft euphamism for 'with many lines of code.'
-from a Microsoft Access tutorial manual
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but if I cut your arms off with my sword, what
are you going to do with your stupid pen then, Mr. smarty-pants?
-Pakasit Mhojadee
"Oh, Christ!" I scream aloud, taking the name of the Lord in vain to underscore the
seriousness of the situation.
-Philip Michaels
new cities are good and bad. low culture, high personality. but then the city decides what
it's going to be one day and you are either part of it or you have to leave.
-Chel Micheline
You can spend your whole life trying to change the world. No, seriously, you can.
-Microsoft ad
By downloading these unsupported tools you are using them at your own risk -- you
know, like bungee jumping in your underwear or dating your best friend's sister.
-Microsoft Internet Explorer PowerToys disclaimer
So I call up Sally: "Hi, I'm doing research. Do you have a boyfriend?"
-Dan Milberg
I feel no different. My hate's the same.
-Milk, _Milk & Cheese_
"We have Attention Deficit... uh, Disorder!" "What?" "What!?"
-Milk & Cheese
Just imagine, if you will, what kind of delicious suffering awaits you at the hands of the
most powerful milkman in the universe.
-Milkman Dan, Red Meat
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a
civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either
physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
-John Stuart Mill, "On Liberty"
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of
moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The
person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important
than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free
unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
-John Stewart Mill
Prince of Darkness: ... We offer a way out of the guilt and constant drumbeat of
negativism, the don't-do-thises and don't-do-thats of the past. My message is basically
one of optimism, achievement, and empowerment. For me, the glass is always half full.
-Brian Miller, Seattle Weekly
Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being the villain in a James Bond
movie.
-Dennis Miller
If some unemployed punk in Trenton, New Jersey, lying on a sofa with a bong can get a
cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to
make crack look like Sanka.
-Dennis Miller
Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city
contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending
litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing
New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann
estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
Adolescence is a marketing tool.
-Elaine Miller, "Almost Famous"
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
-George Miller
It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more
likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites,
poltroons.
-Henry Miller
Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone dates 30 year-old virgins from the Church of
Christ.
-Jenni Miller
Eww... No, he's waiting for marriage. Besides, I don't think he'd doink a Jew. That'd be
dirty!
-Jenni Miller
Gee, I forgot my penis, can't join in this conversation!
-Jenni Miller
I have a conservative penis.
-Michael Miller
I have some really awful lemonade. It'll give you diarhea. It's great.
-Sam Miller
sleeze... I need sleeze....very much so........
-Sam Miller
How do you follow an act like a show about nothing? With "Nothing"! NBC proved that
there is life after "Seinfeld" last night when it debuted the revolutionary show "Nothing"
in "Seinfeld's" old Thursday 9 p.m. slot. For one-half hour, the screen was blank, except
for commercials. And it didn't seem to bother viewers accustomed to tuning in for
"Seinfeld" one bit! "Nothing" was the highest rated show of the night, handily winning its
time slot over CBS's "Mandelbaum," Fox's "World's Scariest Naked Fat Guys on Crystal
Meth" and ABC's "Cracker"
-Joyce Millman, Salon
The road to hell is paved with deleterious mutations.
-Paul Mineiro
Power corrupts. Absolute power really turns on the chicks.
-Jeff Mink
Until the day animals stand up and demand equal rights, I have the right to eat them.
-Jeff Mink
It's not that they waste money. It's that they waste ALL the money.
-Marvin Minksy on NASA
On one side, the Americans are the champions of democracy and human rights. On the
other side, they are fighting against Osama bin Laden with the help of military dictators
and kings who don't believe in democracy or human rights. Osama bin Laden is not a
hero because of his ideas. He is a hero by default.
-Hamid Mir
If you copy from one author it's plagiarism. If you copy from two, it's research.
-Wilson Mizner
One day I returned from lunch, and my screensaver had evolved intelligent, self-aware,
beautiful life forms. They had art, science, a reasonably complete understanding of their
universe, and monumental architecture, most of which was devoted to the message:
"Please don't move your mouse!" But what was I supposed to do? I had to see how the
market closed.
-Gordon Mohr
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
-Ashley Montague
You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid,
lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company
and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be
considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
-Monty Python Flying Circus
Rush [Limbaugh] fills the same niche in political discourse that WWF wrestling fills in
sport.
-Dave Mooney
I thought that you should be the first to know. I joined the psychotic friends network.
-Hugh Moore
Man, it's really dark in here. Somebody should light a witch.
-Hugh Moore
Now you have to choose if you want to be a warrior, ranger, rogue, or academic. Hint:
don't pick rogue.
-Hugh Moore
You could come with us if you want. In fact, if you did, you might not even suck...
-Hugh Moore
Who needs foresight when you've got apathy?
-Hugh Moore
When the rabbit of chaos is pursued through the field of anarchy it is time to hang your
pants on the hook of darkness.
-Roger Moore, Spiceworld
Down the street, at the Touretzky Nasal Grindworks, they have a different motto:
"Miserable Today - For a Better Tomorrow"
-Hans Moravec
It's now more important to learn boring algebra than to practice fun rock throwing. So
you take your choice. If you choose happiness over survival too consistently--well, then
you die happy. Or else, you thrive grumpily.
-Hans Moravec
On this side you have customers coming in, and the customers coming in better bring
some dollars with them, because if they don't bring some dollars with them they're not
really customers.
-Avery More
I can't kill myself with idiocy, it's not sharp enough.
-Chris Morgan
If you can't handle CLICKING by now, get off our internet.
-Chris Morgan
When you sell a man a book, you don't sell him 12 ounces of paper and ink and glue -you sell him a whole new life.
-Christopher Morley
I love Gummi Bears ... and I want Gummi Bears and I like Gummi Bears and I eat
Gummi Bears and I don't like it when I don't eat my Gummi Bears, but I'm certainly not
addicted to them.
-Philip Morris President James Morgan on why cigarettes are not addictive
You are nothing. You are not a man. You are not a god. I will find a man, and give birth
to a god!
-Morgana
Of course, no real deconstruction would be like this. I only used a single paragraph and
avoided literary jargon. All of the words will be found in a typical abridged dictionary
and were used with their conventional meanings. I also wrote entirely in English and did
not cite anyone. Thus in an English literature course I would probably get a D for this,
but I already have my degree so I don't care.
-Chip Morningstar
The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI.
-Wright Morris
She said, 'I know you....you cannot sing', I said, 'That's nothing, you should hear me play
piano.'
-Morrissey
you will get a better response in New York by snarling at people over a period of weeks.
Once you are recognised as someone who has no desire to be in anyone else's life, the
possibility of intimacies such as mutual nodding opens up.
-Damien Morton
You know you're in college when you go to CVS and the only two things you buy are
Saline solution and Trojans.
-Mathew Morton
Just remember: you're not a "dummy," no matter what those computer books claim.
-Walter Mossberg
Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some higher meaning to all
this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
-Mouse
Secrecy is for losers.
-Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan
In each of Van Damme's films, there's a new, ridiculous explanation as to why he's been
allowed out of Belgium.
-Mr. Cranky
As it turns out, Zardoz is just a puppet utilized by some upper class beings to spew
manipulative nonsense at the unwashed masses, sort of like George W. Bush, only
smarter.
-Mr Cranky
Let me tell you just how much of a struggle Matt Damon was experiencing at the time:
He was starving, not knowing where his next meal would come from, freezing during the
Boston winter as he tried to sleep in a cardboard box using bagel bags for socks and slabs
of wood for shoes. Oh, wait. That might be an actual inspiring story. In truth, Matt
Damon was starving in his warm Harvard dormitory. If you bought the former tale, thank
you for sucking the penis of Miramax Films. Please exit to the right.
-Mr. Cranky
Two amateurish storytelling techniques utilized in the first five minutes, and it's pretty
obvious we're going to spend a few hours with Mr. Cliché shoving his hands down our
pants.
-Mr. Cranky
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
[email protected]
Cool is only three letters away from Fool.
-Mike Muir
Sleep is the mind-killer! Defeat sleep!
-Jim Mulhearn
There is a general place in your brain, I think, reserved for "melancholy of relationships
past." It grows and prospers as life progresses, forcing you finally, against your better
judgement, to listen to country music.
-Kary Mullis
If God had meant us to think, we'd have brains.
-Nick Munn
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
-Richard Murnane
It is impossible to make something foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
-Edsel Murphy
If there's more than one way to do a job and one of those ways will end in disaster, then
someone will do it that way.
-Edward Murphy, Jr.
I think they're very creative. I think their work is very powerful, but I think it's very
naive.... sort of, if you like, a petulant young child out of control.
-Peter Murphy on Marilyn Manson
I have feelings too, I just choose to hide them underneath bitter denial.
-Ms. Musso
The more you do, the more you are.
-Bryan R Mundy
Any definition of "noise" that doesn't count discussion of gun control is inherently bogus.
-John Gardiner Myers
He obviously didn't realize who I am. Sure, that sounds a bit pretentious... but it's true.
I have pantyhose older than you.
-John Gardiner Myers' mother
The problem with mail systems in general is that there are far too many idiots writing and
running mail systems. A killing spree won't help, there are far too many people in need of
extinction.
Now the actual correct mathematical solution to this differential equation is insane, so
physicists use a special trick which is that you guess.
-Ron Myers
If you're like me, you think that those miserable little sticks of wood fired by the Archers
are way too wimpy. And if you're like me, you've often said to yourself, "Why can't my
Archers be just a little more manly? Why can't they be shooting flaming, exploding
chickens?"
-Myth II propaganda
quotes: n
Anti-ninjas were the most feared assassins in the world. Instead of appearing out of thin
air, throwing metal stars and messing around with bo staffs and numchuks they simply
shot people and then drove everyone mad with pointless conspiracy theories for years
afterwards.
-from N-Man #3
You are not I, and therein lies the irreparable calamity.
-Vladimir Nabokov
If Gore can't beat a bumbling Texas governor with that kind of a record, what good is he?
-Ralph Nader
DO NOT try to snort TANG up your nose.
-Ken Nagle
Creation is quite different from sex, unless you take everything to a metaphoric level,
which if you do, you should never allow your children to play with Legos.
-Ken Nagle
Dead puppies can be lots of fun. Collect and trade them with your friends.....
-Ken Nagle
The fragrance of the summer is WetGoth by Wet N Wild. WetGoth is specially designed
to remind you of those rainy nights after a club, waiting for a cab. It's got the perfect hint
of old grass and stale clove smoke to remind you of the special night when you had to
sleep in on the lawn because your parents wouldn't let you inside. There is the barest hint
of sweat from that last gig you went to to remind you of how you were crushed against
the stage by a thousand other screaming fans, where no one else could hear your screams
of pain. WetGoth! Remember, Wetgoth is the official fragrance of the 1936 Olympic
games.
-Ken Nagle
Go ahead and use my father's words against me. We'll see how crafty you can be when I
fill you full of margaritas......
-Ken Nagle
I don't currently have access to my alt.gothic.gun^3, but if you give me your name and
number, I shall surely get back to you with my alt.gothic.hatchet^3.....
-Ken Nagle
I know one guy that if his ratty hair wacks me in the face one more time, I'm gonna go
perky all over his ass!!!!
-Ken Nagle
I was born about about 1600 years ago, raised by wolves who had a penchant for
chickens, burgers, and breath mints. I was there with Alaric when he sacked Rome in
410AD and have always thought that would be a cool name when I eventually fathered
children.....
-Ken Nagle
I'll make you a deal: Either I see you there... or I don't.... How's that sound?
-Ken Nagle
we're satanic hippies. we drink human blood and make sacrifices, but we always recycle.
-Ken Nagle
You all thought Calypso Lou set that up? WRONG! I replaced Louis Farrakhan with an
android under my control, and he organised the Million Man March in order for me to be
able to fit the marchers with my specially patented mind control chip (remote control
until sold separately). Be on the lookout for the Million Woman March, the Million Kid
March, the March to the Scaffold, the Wedding March, and the Million Guys Named Bob
Who Don't Know What SPAM Is March.
-Ken Nagle
my brain hurts... it shouldn't, i haven't used it much recently
-Nailbunny
I recently obtained an Open Firmware specification book, and found it quite useful. As
soon as I try to read this book, I become as sleepy as if I had read a phone book.
-Hamada Naoki
It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan which he
considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, insist of the plan being
changed, and finally tender his resignation rather than be the instrument of his army's
downfall.
-Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
-Napoleon
There are two ways to fix reliability problems. One is to lose customers. The other is to
actually build a reliable system.
-Arun Narayan
In the U.S. Government, there is a lot more incompetence and a lot less conspiracy than
is generally believed.
-a NASA spokesperson
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only
complicated stupid moves which make the rest of us wonder at the possibility that we
might be missing something.
-Jamal Abdul Nasser
It doesn't make sense to make pages complex and use a lot of graphics. If you make a site
look really fancy, it looks great the first time. The second time it's amusing. And the third
time it's just plain annoying.
-Farzad Nazem, CTO, Yahoo!
Personally, should I ever form a globe spanning conglomerate, I intend to do it fairly and
without malice or dirty politics. I hope you fellows don't make that too difficult a task; I
would have to have you all killed.
-David Neal
Americans have Thanksgiving, the British have Guy Fawkes Night, and NTK has the
annual review of another bloody Windows compression utility.
-Need to Know News
Lovely girls are terribly insecure. They are convinced that their legs are too thick, and
their bottoms are too big, and their bosoms are too small. They are conviced that their
nose is the wrong shape, that their ears stick out, and that their eyes are too close
together. They need a man who will tell them they are exactly right as they are. They do
not believe him, but they need to hear it said.
-Richard J. Needham
Most so-called moral dilemmas simply dissolve when one gathers all the knowledge that
is actually available. We waste an immense amount of precious energy trying to make
decisions before we really have to or are able to. Once we see something clearly, the
question of morality more or less takes care of itself. Authentic morality is the child of
understanding.
-Jacob Needleman
Hm. My master's thesis reads much better once I pipe it through jive.
-Chris Nelson
Jeepers, he holds the world's fate in his hands and he can't drive a stick shift!
-Mike Nelson, Mystery Science Theater 3000
Violence never solves problems, it just changes them into more subtle problems.
-Russell Nelson
I have enough trouble socializing with people. I don't need some object saying 'good
morning' to me.
-Ted Nelson
Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be philosophers.
-Wilvur Nelson
You are an old man... who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations.
There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no Third
Worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast,
interwoven, interacting, multi-variate, multi-national dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars,
electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds and shekels. It is the
international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That
is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic, and subatomic and galactic
structure of things today. And you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and
you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twentyone inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is
no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union
Carbide, and Exxon - those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the
Russians talk about in their councils of state - Karl Marx? They get out their linear
programming charts, statistical decision theories and mini-max solutions and compute the
price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments just like we do. We no
longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of
corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable by-laws of business. The world is
a business, Mr. Beale.
-Ned Beatty in "Network"
zen is not defined.
-Netscape error message
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in
a state of sin.
-John von Neumann
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with
computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend
to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
-John Von Neumann
The sciences do not try to explain, they hardly even try to interpret, they mainly make
models. By a model is meant a mathematical construct which, with the addition of certain
verbal interpretations, describes observed phenomena. The justification of such a
mathematical construct is solely and precisely that it is expected to work.
-John Von Neumann
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about
-John Von Neumann
You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong.
-John Von Neumann
A friend and I recently decided that we had heard the word "artist" used far too often, and
that from now on, whenever we heard anyone say the word "artist" we would mentally
replace it with the word "retard." The universe sorted itself out with a terrible velocity.
Imagine being in a gallery and seeing this: "Prints Available -- signed by the retard."...
-New York Press
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions
of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide.
Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous
than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
-New York Times, November 26, 1991
Deep Impact - A dire warning that should concern us all. You may feel safe in your bed,
but beware: even as you sleep, Earth is under threat from a vast, overheated surplus of
character actors.
-The New Yorker
Theories are more like graduate students - once admitted you try hard to avoid flunking
them out, it being much better for them and for the world if they can become long term
contributors to society.
-Allen Newell
Ben, I threw food at you to make you shut up. It hasn't worked. If you don't shut up, I
want my food back.
-Dale Newfield
For maybe a hundred thousand years or more, grownups have been waving tangles of
string in their children's faces.... No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing
but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look at all those
X's.... No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
-Newt, "Cat's Cradle"
we didn't mean 'free' as in no cost, we meant 'free' as in 'free to charge as much as we like'
-Ashley Niblock
Chivalry is not dead, it's just taking a well deserved nap, and I'm here to make sure it
sleeps late.
-Van Nichols
Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
-Jack Nicholson, As Good As it Gets
i'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD
-Kirstin Nickerson
Look, I tried the cat experiment. On the third trial, the cat was dead. On each of the
subsequent 413 trials, it remained dead. Am I doing something wrong?
-James Nicoll
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as
pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued
other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new
vocabulary.
-James Nicoll
Windows 98 is so similar to Windows 95 because Apple hasn't invented anything worth
copying since 1995.
-Jakob Nielsen
In Germany they came first for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a
Communist. Then they came for the Jews, but I did not speak up because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the trade-unionists, but I did not speak up because I was not a tradeunionist. Then then they came for the Catholics, but I did not speak up because I was a
Protestant. Then they came for me and by that time there was no one left to speak up.
-Rev. Martin Niemoller
A higher kind of human being, excuse me for saying, doesn't think much of 'callings', the
reason being he knows himself called....He takes his time, he has plenty of time, he gives
no thought whatsoever to being 'finished and ready' - at the age of thirty one is, as regards
high culture, a beginner, a child.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic avtivity or perception to exist, a certain
physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication...sexual excitement...feasting, of
contest, of the brave deed, of victory, extreme agitation, of cruelty, of destruction, of will.
Great and fine things can never be common property: pulchrum est paucorum hominum
(beauty is for the few).
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if
you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
He divines remedies against injuries; he knows how to turn serious accidents to his own
advantage; whatever does not kill him makes him stronger.
I despise mystics, they fancy themselves so deep, when they aren't even superficial.
In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
Nature, artistically considered, is no model. It exaggerates, it distorts, it leaves gaps.
Nature is chance. To study 'from nature' seems to me a bad sign: it betrays subjection,
weakness, fatalism - this lying in the dust before petty facts is unworthy of a complete
artist.
Nothing suceeds in which high spirits play no part. Only excess of strength is proof of
strength.
One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and
mean actions to fear.
Once and for all, there is a great deal I do not want to know. - Wisdom sets bounds even
to knowledge.
The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.
There are two tragedies in life: one is losing one's heart's desire, the other is gaining it.
There is no more dangerous error than that of mistaking the consequence for the cause.
When Gods were more Man-like, men were more god-like.
You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?
The first bullet is never for you.
-Nikita
When you don't know what to say, just smile. It won't make you any smarter, but it will
be pleasant for others.
-Nikita
It's a nitwit idea. Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. The rest of the time you go by the
Book, which is mostly a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
-Niven and Pournelle, The Mote in God's Eye
If I could find a way to get Saddam Hussein out of there, even putting a contract out on
him, if the CIA still did that sort of a thing, assuming it ever did, I would be for it.
-Richard M. Nixon
Television is to news as bumperstickers are to philosophy.
-Richard M. Nixon
Believe nothing - Dare all
-Nizari Isma'ili
Nothing is True - Everything is Permitted
-Nizari Isma'ili
The likelihood of your wanting to use a diskless workstation decreases as the square of
your distance from Palo Alto increases.
-Brian Noble
If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into
perspective.
-Professor Ralph Noble
Academics get paid for being clever, not for being right.
-Donald Norman
President Reagan didn't always know what he knew.
-Oliver North
I've seen sausage made and I've seen law made ... and the main difference is there aren't
any ambushes in sausage.
-Mac Norton
It is a shame the author didn't read the tax code before writing this book. It is obvious she
was unwilling to be encumbered by the facts. My right wing relatives love it. They also
think of pork rinds as an entree.
-Warren Norwood, amazon.com review of The Greedy Hand
Anyone can commit a crime, but how many people do you know can commit a crime that
is not only ahead of its time, but also isn't illegal...yet. Hot ninja hacker chicks will think
we're gods.
-Joshua Nowell
See, you guys got it all wrong. The Easter bunny sucks. I've been hanging out with the
Ether Bunny. Don't remember much but I'm sure I had a great time...except for the
noticable twitch and the fact that I can't remember my login...
-Joshua Nowell
No keyboard found. Press F1 to continue.
-NT error message
Reboot your machine. Do not reboot your machine.
-NT error message
I want them to play Britney Spears at my funeral. That way I won't feel so bad about
being dead, and everyone there will know there is something worse than Death.
-Gary Numan
quotes: o
Everything is proceeding to plan. Lee and Dave are in the mini-sub preparing to take out
the Thames Flood Barrier at full tide. I am in Mountain View, hurrying around in a
MAE-WEST with a fast-depleting knapsack of Semtex hanging jauntily from my
shoulder. Across the world, Y2K consultants are beginning to feel the effects of the
powerful time-release hallucinogen we secreted onto the pages of "COBOL for
Dummies" back in 1997. These last few days have left little time for love, laughter or
editorial conferences, so we hope you'll make do with this seasonal quiz based on the last
years' events. We hope it will take your mind off the the sounds of the angry peasant
mobs milling outside your offices. Answers next week: first correct entry after midnight
gets two week's supply of Evian and six vials of the emergency vaccine. In Year Zero,
suckers!
-Danny O'Brien, Need To Know News
In these terrible times, it's good to watch the tech community put its problems aside, and
supply what we were all so desperately short of: plenty of wild unsolicited opinions.
After those first few hours of awful shocked silence - what a relief to be interrupted by
the CEO of CoffeeCup Software, producers of an innocuous Windows HTML editor, emailing his 1.2 million customer base to "call for the country's complete destruction and
annihilation". And at the end of that fateful day, noted hacker Eric S. Raymond rained his
thoughts like fresh water, revealing that those who "disarmed all the non-terrorists on
those airplanes ... bear some moral responsibility". Thanks too to BYTE's Jerry Pournelle,
who slowly toughened his demands from an early request that /usr/bin/laden be handed
over "bound and chained", to Thursday's demand that Nablus, Gaza, Baghdad and
Damascus be razed to the ground; to the Evening Standard infowar expert who warned
that "inflamed young men" could escalate the conflict by releasing "cyber viruses,
crashing our computers ... from council houses in Bradford"; and kindly John Keegan in
the Telegraph, who wrote that ISPs should ban encryption among their users, and those
who refused must be "destroyed with cruise missiles". And on through the lonely nights,
as net.folk on chat traded credulous rumours and confused geopolitics, and Nostradamus
buffs mulled seriously over a quatrain that, sadly, was probably invented by a skeptic to
show how any random phrase could end up a doomladen prophecy. But be assured that
the crisis is not yet over. Please help: opinions are still desperately needed - and bloggers,
columnists and sleep-deprived newsreaders are running short of ideas. So: do you have
some minority you'd like to haphazardly blame? Some half-arsed genocidal theory you'd
like to insist become global policy? Some simplistic demonisation of a country's recent
history that needs to be waved in the faces of everyone you know? Mail it to our hotline
on [email protected], and we'll pass it on to those who must fill the useless silence
which would otherwise be wasted on slow, methodical grief.
Still, at least Denise "Starship Troopers" Richards dresses up as Lara Croft for no readily
apparent reason...
-Danny O'Brien on The World is Not Enough
When the the London Stock Exchange trading computers crashed just at the point that the
US stock market bubble wobbled, it's tempting to see more than the usual invisible hand
manipulating the market. Was it truly incompetence on an unparallelled scale, or could
this "accident" have been a deliberate denial of service prevent further instability? Well,
given Andersen Consulting's involvement, we're assuming the former.
A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room
doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to
deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!
-Michael O'Brien
We live in a dangerous Age. To say how you feel is to lay your own grave
-Sinead O'Connor
I know you lived in France but that doesn't mean you know everything.
-Frank O'Hara
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage
boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke
Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle
and scope.
-P.J. O'Rourke
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're
looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test
them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
-P.J. O'Rourke
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.
-P.J. O'Rourke
Writing on a computer makes saving what's been written too easy. Pretentious lead
sentences are kept, not tossed. Instead of sitting surrounded by crumpled paper, the
computerized writer has his mistakes neatly stored in digital memory.
-P. J. O'Rourke
slack off... my life is so much better now that I don't have something as silly as classes
getting in my way
-Erik Ogan
They are seldom found out, because they gravitate to the kind of clients who, bamboozled
by their rhetoric, do not hold them responsible for sales results. Their campaigns find
favor at cocktail parties in New York, San Francisco and London but are taken less
seriously in Chicago. In the days when I specialized in posh campaigns for The New
Yorker, I was the hero of this coterie, but when I graduated to advertising in mass media
and wrote a book which extolled the value of research, I became its devil. I comfort
myself with the reflection that I have sold more merchandise than all of them put
together.
-David Ogilvy
When I write an advertisement, I don't want you to tell me that you find it 'creative'. I
want you to find it so interesting that you buy the product. When Aeschines spoke, they
said, 'How well he speaks.' But when Demosthenes spoke, they said, 'Let us march
against Philip.'
-David Ogilvy
Also, to answer the question "When will the new spreadsheet be ready for use?" The
answer is about five or six weeks, although it may appear to you to be as long as three
months, since, like all programmers, I am travelling at relativistic speeds.
-Drew Olbrich
Another industry secret is that "Schindler's List" was created entirely on a sound stage in
Burbank by one camera man, three actors, and a dozen guys using a custom version of
Photoshop.
-Drew Olbrich
At the suggestion of my reproductive system, I suggest that we create a new bboard
called "I left my penis logged in."
-Drew Olbrich
C++ is like jamming a helicopter inside a Miata and expecting some sort of improvement.
-Drew Olbrich
I hope this doesn't disrupt the trendy "The World Sucks, Everybody Sucks; Well, Maybe
Not As Much As I Do; I'd Like To Suck More Than You Do, Really I Would; Hey,
Sucking Any More Would Be An Improvement"... attitude.
-Drew Olbrich
I love stress because it's a whole lot better than depression.
-Drew Olbrich
It's all about getting off the planet.
-Drew Olbrich
My inner child is toting an Uzi.
-Drew Olbrich
Sometimes, I'm not so much fishing for compliments as snorkeling for criticism.
-Drew Olbrich
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-Ken Olsen, President, Digital Equipment, 1977
We really need it because Microsoft keeps releasing sloppier and sloppier software that
needs a faster and faster machine.
-Ken Olsen
By the way, if you do mention Pez and my wife, also mention that she's a management
consultant and has a master's degree in molecular genetics, OK?
-Pierre Omidyar, who founded eBay to help his wife collect Pez dispensers
We're selling more than a cracker here, We're selling the salty, unctuous illusion of
happiness.
-The Onion
If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky that would be like the
splendor of the Mighty One... I am become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer, quoting "The Bhagavad Gita", 1945
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist knows it.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer
We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried.
Most people were silent.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer
Leaving behind the OS X user interface is like leaving London - you don't realise what a
constant, nagging annoyance it is - like having a 24 hour toothache - until you've left
town.
-Andrew Orlowski
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in
touch.
-Robert Orben
Unfortunately, mathematics is about theory. Your question actually has practical
appliations. I can't really answer it.
-Alejandro Ortega
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on the human face -forever... And remember that it is forever.
-George Orwell
Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.
-George Orwell
Something else I'd like to do eventually is add the ability to supply the URL for an image
you'd like to beat up on when you tire of thinking about killing Britney Spears (not that
that is likely to happen), then the server would fetch the image and allow you to use the
same set of weapons on it. This would let people ''cross-examine'' their thesis advisors,
etc.
-Gerald Oskoboiny
My CPU can beat up your CPU with both its FPU's tied behind its MMU!!
-Lamar Owen
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one
pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
-from Oxford Union Society rules
quotes: p
I've got a novel idea! How about if you don't waste my time.
-Frank Pacheco
In America everyone is intitled to an opinion. However you are not entitled to a
professional opinion.
-Michael Padlipsky
Ayn Rand was the kind of bold female thinker who should immediately have been a
centerpiece of women's studies programs, if the latter were genuinely about women rather
than about a cliched, bleeding-heart, victim-obsessed, liberal ideology that dislikes all
concrete female achievement.
-Camille Paglia
Civilized man conceals from himself the extent of his subordination to nature. The
grandeur of culture, the consolation of religion absorb his attention and win his faith. But
let nature shrug, and all is in ruin. Fire, flood, lightning, tornado, hurricane, volcano,
earthquake - anywhere at any time. Disaster falls upon the good and bad. Civilized life
requires a state of illusion.
-Camille Paglia
At this point, the IMF drags the gasping nation to Step Three: Market-Based Pricing, a
fancy term for raising prices on food, water and cooking gas. This leads, predictably, to
Step-Three-and-a-Half: what Stiglitz calls, "The riot."
-Greg Palast, "The Globalizer Who Came In From the Cold"
I want my desktop PC to have the processor mounted on top of the case in a little ceramic
square so I can use it for a coffee warmer. Burying all those heat sinks in the cabinet is a
waste of good heat.
-Dale Parish
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
-Dorothy Parker
If they laid all the coeds from Yale end to end...I wouldn't be surprised.
-Dorothy Parker
This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown away with great force.
-Dorothy Parker
Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans
-David L. Parnas
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
-Blaise Pascal
Imagination disposes of everything; it creates beauty, justice, and happiness, which are
everything in this world.
-Blaise Pascal
The U.S. Supreme court has a definition of Pornography, and it breaks down something
like this: Anything which is without social redeeming value and which appeals to the
prurient interest. In other words, any posting on the Usenet.
-T. Pascal
Chance favors only the prepared mind.
-Louis Pasteur
Your only duty in life is to eliminate the people i don't like.
-Trupti Patel
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with
their ingenuity.
-Gen George S. Patton
wow! you really have a way with words!! they effectively convey your bitterness at your
boyfriend's lack of attention to domestic chores. Edgar Allen Poe, eat your heart out!
-Adam Paul
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-Wolfgang Pauli
Major funding for The Great Depression was provided by the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting.
-heard on PBS
I guess I shouldn't blame her really, I mean she did give birth to me, which is more than
most people do for the world.
-The Peace-ior
Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men
play like children, and cut their own fingers.
-Thomas Love Peacock
He's completely gone off the deep end. I mean he's more than just a little off, we're
talking more than two tacos short of a combo plate here.
-Ben Peal
I think my body just told me to lay off the 'Chef Boyardee'
-Ben Peal
What a weenie name, Firehawk - you need a cool name like "Great Pre-Historic Penis
Bird"
-Ben Peal
Ya know, you could vomit on all of your Magic cards. That way you'd know which ones
are yours, and there would be no incentive to steal them.
-Ben Peal
British Law prohibits the distribution of pornography for financial gain. What about for
the public good?
-Dave Pell
Mama always told me there would be days like these. Of course, Mama has been trading
in long-term treasury bonds so she isn't quite as worried as some today.
-Dave Pell
San Francisco State University is starting a course that provides an academic approach to
cybersex. The course directors had initially employed a Socratic method of teaching, but
they had to abandon that strategy as everyone in the class just repeatedly yelled out "Yes!
Yes! Oh yes! Oh God yes!".
-Dave Pell
Sesame Street is leading an effort to make sure that every newborn has a web page at
birth. A web page? My future children already have equity in start-ups and are facing a
backlog of anti-trust litigation.
-Dave Pell
the best revenge is your ex getting fat.
-Gary Perez
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to convince anyone of the existence of
God.
-Alan Perlis
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there
in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail,
and learning to be self-critical?
-Alan Perlis
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-Alan Perlis
The fundamental idea of modern capitalism is not the right of the individual to possess
and enjoy what he has earned, but the thesis that the exercise of this right redounds to the
general good.
-Ralph Barton Perry
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-Jeff Pesis
There comes a time when one must risk something, or sit forever with one's dreams
-Trevor Petersen
A day without sunshine is like, night.
-J.D. Peterson
Arguably only art and music place us higher on the evolutionary ladder than any other
species -- that is, until the arrival of Rap. I think we've fallen somewhere behind whales
now.
-J.D. Peterson
Before you go patting yourself on the back, I think you should know that koala bears
have opposable thumbs as well, and that vultures, otters and chimpanzees all use tools to
gather food. Of course, they don't use variable speed mixers or digital watches, but I
think that's actually a point in their favor.
-J.D. Peterson
"General Interest" sites are rarely either.
-J.D. Peterson
It does not matter if you studied at the Sorbonne or not. It does not matter if you spent 5
months, 5 hours or even 5 minutes on your work. It does not matter if you use hot-press
illustration board or a napkin; sable brushes or a bic pen. It does not matter what your last
name is or who your friends are. The only thing that matters is that by the time you are
done, someone, anyone likes what they see, particularly yourself.
-J.D. Peterson
there is more to life than increasing its speed.
-Wilferd A. Peterson
Have I mentioned how bad the idiots in the admissions office suck? I'd like to get
medieval with some of them.
-Chris Petro
Cobol has almost no fervent enthusiasts. As a programming tool, it has roughly the sex
appeal of a wrench.
--Charles Petzold, "Programming Languages: Survivors and Wannabes"
To complete his camouflage, he was also joined at the last moment by four friends, all of
whom were themselves dressed in black, though most of whom were probably grievously
misled into attending -- after all, the number of people who will willingly attend a film
that features giant bugs, exploding heads, and Rae Dawn Chong are few and far between.
-The Phantom
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into
a gay dungeon-master.
-Emo Philips
Well, like most members of America's cultural elite, I worship PAN, THE GOAT GOD!,
but thanks for the thought.
-Duke Phillips, The Critic
We have not succeeded in solving all your problems. The answers we have found only
serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways, we feel we are as confused as
ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher level and about more important things.
-on a door in the Philosophy department
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-Pablo Picasso
Two boys arrived yesterday with a pebble they said was the head of a dog until I pointed
out that it was really a typewriter.
-Pablo Picasso
Why don't you find yourself a nice knothole somewhere and shut up?
-Tim Pierce
Your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell...
-Pinhead, "Hellbound"
We must never forget that the ultimate purpose of an explosive is to explode.
-Petri Pihko
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
-Rob Pike
A lot of effort went into making this effortless.
-Mark Pilgrim
As a matter of fact I hail from Europe and aim to maintain my sense of "whatever" when
it comes to these highly North American city vs. suburbia lifestyles, choices, attitudes or
whatever it is y'all argue about.
-Lidia Pines
No one can lack common sense as much as an intellectual, especially a leftist one, and
perhaps most of all a renowned French professor of sociology.
-Daniel Pipes
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a digital
computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top of a mountain or in the
petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean the Buddha -- which is to demean
oneself.
-Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
I want to start a line of sex toys called "I Can't Believe It's Not Dick."
-Pixie
There are worse things than death. And I can do all of them.
-Plague, "Hackers"
There is no right and wrong. There is only fun, and boring.
-Plague, "Hackers"
Science means unresting endeavor and continually progressing development toward an
aim which the poetic intuition may apprehend, but which the intellect can never fully
grasp.
-Max Planck
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
-Titus Maccius Plautus
Career Objective: A challenging position in which I can creatively use my computerrelated skills to help more people die.
-Greg Plesur
Did you hear about Rob? He drank a whole case of Yoo Hoo in the dark and said "I
summon thee with pony and helicopter. With pipe organ and Graham Greene memoirs. I
summon thee." His office-mate heard him screaming from down the hall, and when he
got into their office Rob was gibbering incoherently and all of his hair was white and he
was hiding under his desk hugging his stomach and rocking obsessively. So his officemate said "Damn it, Rob, I've had it up to here with the gibbering and the rocking and the
screaming. Every day it's the same god-damned thing. By the way, nice hair."
-Greg Plesur
Every place has its advantages and disadvantages. Pittsburgh has its snow, but Palo Alto
has those giant carrion weasels. You decide which is worse.
-Greg Plesur
Fade into the logo for 'Unhinged Crunchies' or something....
-Greg Plesur
I lost all of my powers during the night, so I just returned to work to resume my "mild
mannered programmer" persona until I am needed again. Until then, I wait.
-Greg Plesur
I still contend that shiftiness is a leading cause of murder.
-Greg Plesur
I think I identify with bats and squirrels -- small, quick, and potentially full of rabies.
-Greg Plesur
I think that I can confidently swear, to god and all things holy, that if I AM getting the
cold that I suspect is stalking me, I will pick up the pick axe that I bought from Jody and
start a spree of crime and killing of Old Testament proportions. I will commit such
damage to American civilization that, hundreds of generations from now, parents will be
telling legends about me to their children in front of the camp-fires that will be the most
technologically advanced sources of light and heat that I will leave for them to inherit.
Where I walk I will leave a trail of scorched and salted earth. Dogs will no longer be
domesticated.
-Greg Plesur
I think you're selling yourself way short by just aspiring to Infomercial Thug. You've
clearly got talent, kid, and that talent's going to take you places that my Thugs and I can
only imagine. Make me proud. And one day, when you're the Info-Pope looking out on
your vast and profitable domain, all of your enemies long since expired on your Spiked
Treadmills and sold at a fair mark-up to your white-toothed, wrinkle-free populace, think
of me kindly.
-Greg Plesur
I want to live in a field. That field would be "evil mad scientist who lives alone on an
island making his race of freakish supermen with animal DNA and things he found in a
meteorite."
-Greg Plesur
I wouldn't recommend it as a movie, but it's valuable as an example of the advancing
state-of-the-art in "dissolving vampire" technology.
-Greg Plesur
I'd hold my breath, but I'd rather you hold yours.
-Greg Plesur
I'll tell you what the problem is with kids today. With your computers and your running
water and your fancy-schmancy opposable thumbs, you have no appreciation for the
sublime.
-Greg Plesur
I'm not trying to be an advocate of materialism. I'm trying to support a firm policy of
"easy answers for difficult times."
-Greg Plesur
I'm often pissed when people don't notice jokes that make me particularly happy, but in
keeping with the season I have chosen to be thankful that I don't get beat up more often.
-Greg Plesur
I'm philosophically opposed to grounding straps on the grounds that many powers
originate with sparks of electricity. Sure, sparks are annoying, but there's a slippery slope;
first grounding straps become acceptable, then people start avoiding catwalks spanning
big vats of chemicals, then someone enacts legislation restricting radiation sources within
population centers. Do you see where I'm going here? Stop the madness.
-Greg Plesur
I'm pretty sure that I'd take a pay cut to be 'Irredeemable Idiot,' as long as I'd get to have
business cards. I bet the job comes with a cool hat, too.
-Greg Plesur
If I had to distill all of my thirty years of personal experience into one piece of advice that
would most help kids today, it would be this: Kids...Uncle Greg needs a nap right now.
Why don't you play quietly in the other room for a couple of minutes. Just a few minutes,
that's all I need. Really. Please.
-Greg Plesur
Infomercial Czar isn't a title that can be bestowed - you have to fight your way to the top
in televised cage matches.
-Greg Plesur
Last night's dream started with a trip to New York and ended with an inter-stellar villain
saying "You humans are too puny a race to receive the amount of crime that I can
deliver."
-Greg Plesur
Now I have to decide if I want to battle evil or perpetrate it....
-Greg Plesur
Okay, in the pursuit of honesty and because of the respect in which I hold you people I
should probably admit that I intend to savor your deaths as I would the gentlest sips of
fine wine. Sorry about the initial confusion.
-Greg Plesur
Other skills might be useful. Send me your resume and a current photo. If I don't feel that
there's a named-role suitable to your abilities, you may still be eligible to wear a t-shirt
that says "Thug #7."
-Greg Plesur
People start out with souls for the same reason that D&D characters start out with a
handful of gold - the thing itself isn't too useful, but you can trade it for magic items and
cool powers that might come in handy later.
-Greg Plesur
Piracy isn't all parrots and eye-patches, you know. There's inspections and paperwork and
boring coworkers who never stop talking to you even when you pretend to focus all of
your attention on the anchor that you're polishing, and always the ever-present danger of
being killed in Somalia to the tune of a Ricky Martin song.
-Greg Plesur
Raise your hand if this sentence helps you to see the way that English looks to someone
who doesn't speak it.
-Greg Plesur
Technology doesn't kill people. Mighty Fist of Wrath kills people.
-Greg Plesur
The math to explain it gets complicated, so you have to view it through mythological
filters. Basically: Don't piss off Ishtar.
-Greg Plesur
There's no movie that sucks so much that you can't find good parts to enjoy, and there's
no movie so good that you can't find sucky parts to resent. You go to a movie, and it's this
big complicated detailed work, and you're the one who gets to pick your focus. You can
bitch about the plot holes or rave about the music; the quality of your experience is in
your own hands, and no experience is more objectively real than another one.
-Greg Plesur
Those things are useful for a while, but once you're finally the Centauri Emperor they just
nag, nag, nag....
-Greg Plesur
today's weather: Sunny, with thunder, rain, hail and snow. It's like living in the End
Times every day, without all of that pesky Judgement.
-Greg Plesur
Urg. I think I'm going to move the whole 'control the world' project to a back-burner
while I work on personal growth.
-Greg Plesur
...while we were there she got her nose pierced with a relatively big hoop. She asked me
my opinion of it, and I said that I really liked it and that it gave her this whole
"formidable woman of strength" look. She said that she'd always had that, and I said "Yes
you've always had it, but now it's in your nose."
-Greg Plesur
World domination is like making a souffle' - if you get yourself embroiled in too many
local instabilities, results will be poor. Local instabilities can be created by either
alienating religious leaders or slamming the oven door.
-Greg Plesur
You're a good and valued friend but I probably wouldn't assassinate you without the
proper fees, paid in advance.
-Greg Plesur
I believe there's something in the Bible about "Thou shalt not call anyone insane who
owns and is competent with more firearms than you own sharp sticks."
-Andrew Plotkin
I'm sure there are dozens of "web authorship for cretins" books that have advice on this
topic.
-Andrew Plotkin
If C++ has taught me one thing, it's this: Just because the system is consistent doesn't
mean it's not the work of Satan.
-Andrew Plotkin
It's like looking into the face of death, only it's Gilligan.
-Andrew Plotkin
It's not virtual reality until you can be tortured to death in it.
-Andrew Plotkin
Live the imagination. Lick the reality.
-Andrew Plotkin
On the planet next door to mine, writing poetry is regarded as a sort of metaphorical
draining of all the sewage out of your mind. Everyone does it, but nobody has the illusion
that anyone else wants to see theirs, or could even understand it. They write it in small
dark rooms furnished with cracked mirrors and musty shapeless carpets. When each
poem is finished, it's burned in a dirty bucket.
-Andrew Plotkin
Out of the penis-pan, into the crossfire.
-Andrew Plotkin on Bruce selling his Magic cards to buy a paintball gun
So, is it my imagination, or are packets from CS being written out in longhand by
epileptics, taped to heavily sedated passenger pigeons, flown across campus, and reentered by front panel toggles stapled to a corpse?
-Andrew Plotkin
Spelling is hard because English is a slut of a language. I blame the Norman conquest.
-Andrew Plotkin
You can call me Sugar. This is my pal Milkfat. We're pretty big in town here, and we
thought we'd come over and help you get settled in. And epoxy your arteries shut, and
kick you in the blood sugar so hard it comes out your ears. Get the picture?
-Andrew Plotkin
They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream
only by night.
-Edgar Allan Poe
It is not news that the United States has the world's most stupid right-wing politicians.
What is shocking is that they have managed to attract so many media and opinion makers
to join their smear campaign against Bill Clinton.
-Danish daily paper Politiken
A Harvard law degree or a Stanford MBA is not just a degree. It says everything about
who you are. Without it, you're just ordinary.
-Roman Popik, former occupant of a 21st story office in the north tower of the World
Trade Center, lamenting the destruction of his degree certificates (in the destruction
of the towers)
An object in motion tends to stay in motion, until it needs gas or a taco or something.
-Porsche Carrera S Advertisement
I've got quotes that will get me fired. What I need are quotes that will get me laid off.
-Corey Porter
This week's DFMM unemployment seminar is scheduled for 1:00 PM today (Wednesday
October 7, 2009) at the Hollywood Star Lanes. Refreshments will be available at the bar.
-Corey Porter
You saw him? He calls himself the Marquis de Carabas. He's a fraud and a cheat and
possibly even something of a monster. If you're ever in trouble, go to him. He will protect
you, girl. He has to.
-Portico, Neverwhere
Anyway, the fate of the civilized world lies with you.
-Corey Post, Publisher, Generation Next magazine
Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it
approachable -- it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operating
system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it. Dijkstra, as I'm sure
you all know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in
programming methodology, applauded by Pascal Programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.
-Ed Post, "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal"
Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the
designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce
your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call
me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth
is a Quiche Eater.
When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write
an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000
line programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task
in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000 line FORTRAN program, then
speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured
Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent.
The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what
you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in Women. No, the Real
Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic,
powerful, unforgiving, dangerous.
When it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
i mean, there are only 12 notes in western music anyway - how hard can it be to stumble
around them until it sounds good?
-Simon Postford
Taunting death is only fun until you lose.
-Andrew Potratz
As no less an authority than the Pat Robertson has stated that all witches are in league
with Satan, I would like to see a side of Samantha that only comes to the surface after a
few Zima XXXs.
-Scott Potter
A proper salad consists of 6 parts gin and one part verouth strained over ice into a glass
with two olives
-Scott Potter
may the first person not in a glass house throw the first stone.
-Scott Potter
for much of the Internet, the shortest path between two points doesn't exist.
-Kevin Poulsen
I can see it now...'It's summer, we're bored, we're all gonna go out and get lives!'
-Lynne Powell
You know, it's not a good idea to end a psalm with "dammit".
-Lynne Powell
The way of the laptop user is as a stony path strewn with plugs and sockets, all the wrong
size...
-Terry Pratchett
Well, it looks like the excrement has hit the rotating oscillator.
-Faisal Premji
Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.
-Ross Presser
Specialization is for insects.
-John Prevost
What's that, Lassie? What, girl? Klingons? Off the starboard bow?
-John Prevost
Civilization can be reduced to the following: "I need a hug. Go away." Unable to solve
this conundrum, and having nothing better to do in the meantime, we build cathedrals and
drink heavily.
-Tom Price
The Genie can smell fear.
-Tom Price
To be happy for a day: drink beer. To be happy for a year: get married. To be happy for a
lifetime: buy a BMW touring bike.
-Tom Price
so, I have a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand, I hate life. On the other hand, I just made
blackberry cobbler. How can I hate life while eating blackberry cobbler?
-Jody Prival
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to
be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
[email protected]
Do not be arrogant because of your knowledge, but confer with the ignorant man as with
the learned.
-Ptahhotpe
Obviously, the heroin-fueled fleshpot of Moscow gives rise to passages that some readers
may find shocking. Rest assured that we toned down some of the lewdest parts to appease
the delicate sensibilities of suburban readers who feign offense to our back-of-the-book
sex ads while reaping the economic benefits of the valley's porn-fueled economic
prosperity.
-Dan Pulcrano, Metro ("Silicon Valley's Weekly Newspaper")
quotes: q
If you can't take a little bloody nose maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under
your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle
and gross, but it's not for the timid.
-Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Monster AI is still in development. Some monsters may seem to be ignoring you until
you actually shoot them. This is because as small aliens they refused to eat their humans
and as a result suffered brain damage. We will be taking measures to ensure that all aliens
receive a proper diet before the final release.
-Quake 2 Demo disclaimer
Sleep is optional...
-Quicktime 7.0 development team memo
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing;
and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to
incivility and procrastination.
-Thomas De Quincey
Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional.
-Brian Quinn
I don't want to be a software engineer. I want to design weapons of mass destruction.
-Jen Quirin
quotes: r
Our industry is made up of a bunch of lemmings. When was the last time you heard an
original idea from a venture capitalist?
-Andy Rachleff, General Partner, Benchmark Capital
I had 3 cups of coffee at the yard. Being wired is like being drunk except I don't enjoy it.
-Ben Raia
Who needs acid when you're high on life? Who needs life when you're high on acid?
-Tzufit Ram
trying to do normal file manipulation tasks with the BASH shell is like trying to trim your
nails by sticking your hand down the kitchen disposal
-David Ramsey
From the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have comes from
a single attribute of man -- the function of his reasoning mind.
-Ayn Rand
Great men can't be ruled.
-Ayn Rand
One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, he allowed his soul to be
heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything I am, anything I can ever be... That's
what I want to offer you -- not the things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will
make me able to get them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce
it -- so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you." The girl
smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie Kelly?" He got up. He said
nothing and walked out of the house. He never saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who
prided himself on never needing a lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that
followed.
-Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
They were majoring in two subjects: physics and philosophy. Their choice amazed
everybody but me: modern thinkers considered it unnecessary to perceive reality, and
modern physicists considered it unnecessary to think. I knew better; what amazed me was
that these children knew it, too.
-Ayn Rand
When I die, I hope to go the Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.
-Ayn Rand
Sometimes I regret having invented logic.
-Ayn Rand, Forum2000
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
-Jeannette Rankin
The UNIX tools that are on the Internet were designed as dummy programs to distract the
hackers, by being mis-designed, cruddy, and full of security holes. The idea was the the
hackers would just romp all over the UNIX machines and never go after the important or
interesting stuff, which all runs on VMS, MVS, MULTICS, and Plan 9. Unfortunately,
the plan has backfired, and UNIX seems to have survived better than was expected.
Bummer.
-Markus Ranum
UNIX software sets a new standard in bad, generally. That's because it was accreted, not
designed and, as usual, security was the last thing in the designer's minds. Usually it was
an afterthought. Often the designers of Important Internet Applications were bashing stuff
together as a research toy and -- ooops -- it got popular so now it's a product how can we
secure it?
-Markus Ranum
I am going to become a disenchanted technodork or I'm going to die trying!
-Chris Rapier
Get a grip loserboy... Your idea of hate is a pathetic and sickly creature in comparison to
the hatred that fuels this world. Your hatred makes you write a couple of half-assed posts
and gnash your teeth in frustration. Real hatred makes you go out and grab someone you
don't know by the throat while you pour mace directly into his eyes nose and mouth. Hate
is when you then take this coughing gasping crying wretch and beat him until your hand
is bleading and cracked. hate is looking back on it and knowing that you would do it
again and you would enjoy it even more the next time. Hatred is bending your life and
will around some abstract focus in an effort to destroy it at any price to yourself and those
you care for. Your hatred is a gasping hollow-chested cousin of real hate. It lashes out
weakly at anything that moves without focus or follow through. It is a petty and small
hate. You have a lot to learn about hate, boy.
-Chris Rapier
Hello I am Monsieur BastardMan!
-Chris Rapier
I am home. For home is where you hang your hat! And since i don't have a hat I don't
have a home so everyplace is as good as no place. Thus, I am home. or mad. one or the
other.
-Chris Rapier
I don't have to be cynical, it just works out that way.
-Chris Rapier
I had a clue once and didn't like it much. I took it back and they gave me an attitude
instead.
-Chris Rapier
I hate life, I hate death. Everything in between just doesn't interest me.
-Chris Rapier
I love Valentine's Day because it holds so many pleasant memories for me. The joy of
being given anti-be mine cards in grade school. The thrill of spending year after year
alone and depressed. The total rapture of being dumped after driving 300 miles to
surprise someone. Need I mention the ecstacy of dating a psycho freak over Valentine's
Day whose idea of a good time was turning off all the lights and slitting her wrists? Of
course, thats all behind me now. Currently I just get to deal with being 200 miles away
from my fiancée almost everyday.
-Chris Rapier
I tell ya, there is nothing like getting up in the morning and the first thing you see are
three cats sitting on your bed staring at you. Its my own fault though, I shouldn't have
worn that mickey mouse hat to bed.
-Chris Rapier
If life didn't suck, would you know what was going on?
-Chris Rapier
My computer is so powerful that it ran the entire program in a negative amount of time.
That's right, it started printing up PI before it had even compiled the little sucker. Hell, it
regularly spits out new Penrose tile formations using 15 randomly generated tile forms in
under a nanosecond. Then it makes my coffee, gives me a handjob and signs my
paychecks.
-Chris Rapier
Oh, you mean Psychoposer?
-Chris Rapier
...sex sometimes is just more of a pain than a pleasure. Much like email.
-Chris Rapier
then we go out for sushi and genocide.
-Chris Rapier
So we blew them up. Then we killed all of the customers. Best move we ever made.
-Chris Rapier
Whenever the subject comes up on what is or is not good music I always recall what
Charlie Parker said when asked how can you tell good jazz from bad jazz... "If it sounds
good, it is good. Ahhhh…" Then I smile wryly and start knocking gobbets of flesh out of
people with a full auto shotgun with belt box feeder. Ahhh...
-Chris Rapier
... for extra bonus points, compare and constrast the rise of Byzantine civilization with the
Toltec-Olmec transitory period (proper usage of the terms meso-america, cultural drift,
weasel and rich creamery butter is necessary for a passing grade).
-Chris Rapier
Will you stop being enigmatic for just a minute? Please???
-Chris Rapier
Ya see, I don't think that life is just about making money. I want a certain level of
personal satisfaction to come from my life. Producing disposable code doesn't cut it for
me. I'd much rather be an itinerant bum living off of what I steal from the people I kill.
-Chris Rapier
you work with freaks because you live in a city of hippie crunchy punky new age
technophilic wannabe dorques who couldn't find their way out of a tautology with a flash
light and David Hume.
-Chris Rapier
You should try spending 14 years hanging out on a dry twig waiting for some dumb
warm-blooded fool to walk past so you can jump on it, suck out some blood, lay some
eggs and later get eaten by your own young. I tell you it's not easy being a lawyer.
-Chris Rapier
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them in the usual way. This
happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
-Jef Raskin
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster then any other invention with the
possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila
-Mitch Ratcliffe
Thirty's quite a shock, isn't it? Especially when you're as young as you are.
-Lyle Rausch
I like my mixed metaphors shaken, not stirred, thank you.
-Eric Raymond
Unlike the typically poker-faced East Coast Venture Capitalists who during conversation
seem perpetually lost in mental calculations as to how to rip 50 percent of the equity out
of your idea, the Idea Lab folks mask their equity-gouging agenda with pleasant smiles
and nonchalance.
-R. Scott Raynovich
My fellow Americans, I have just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We
begin bombing in five minutes.
-Ronald Reagan (attributed)
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.
-Ronald Reagan
Trust, but verify.
-Ronald Reagan
Who wouldn't want a good girl, a soft hand, a gentle woman for a gentleman? He said,
'It's been fine so far but after awhile I want more than a soft style. I want some slashes to
go with those long eyelashes.'
-Recoil, "Breath Control"
Ah, to be a kid again, footloose and fancy free... and annoying as hell!
-Kat Reeves
Here's what I do for relief when I get a bad headache, I click my heels together three
times and say, "kill me." Ok, so it doesn't usually work, but I figure if I just keep trying,
my odds are BOUND to go up.
-Kat Reeves
…cuz I miss your killer wit, your biting sarcasm, your superior intellect.... Oh wait, that's
me, heh, sorry.
-Kat Reeves
More than anything else, Windows XP reminds one of a tourist trap. You arrive in a
foreign city, and a handsome stranger walks up to you and says he will show you around
the city. He offers to take you to the very best shops and restaurants. But you soon realize
that he is taking you only to places that are owned by his relatives or by someone who
gives him a kickback.
-Tom Regan
I'm just sitting here basking in the glow of my socks.
-Christy Regenhardt
7 pm is fine by me. i think i can manage most of josh's list, except for the underage
blonde hookers.
-Christy Regenhardt
sorry about your computer trauma - this is why i work with people - no one expects them
to work correctly.
-Christy Regenhardt
This article is to prevent various automatic software from thinking this is an empty
newsgroup and nuking it. If this had been a real article you would have become titillated.
-Brian Reid
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.
-Chuck Reid
... Perhaps of even greater significance is the continuous and profound distrust of science
and technology that the environmental movement displays. The environmental movement
maintains that science and technology cannot be relied upon to build a safe atomic power
plant, to produce a pesticide that is safe, or even bake a loaf of bread that is safe, if that
loaf of bread contains chemical preservatives. When it comes to global warming,
however, it turns out that there is one area in which the environmental movement
displays the most breathtaking confidence in the reliability of science and technology, an
area in which, until recently, no one -- even the staunchest supporters of science and
technology -- had ever thought to assert very much confidence at all. The one thing, the
environmental movement holds, that science and technology can do so well that we are
entitled to have unlimited confidence in them, is FORECAST THE WEATHER! -- for
the next one hundred years...
-George Reisman, "The Toxicity of Environmentalism"
You should see the hate e-mail I get. We have met the enemy, and he can't spell.
-Cathy Renna of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation as quoted in
theWashington Post, Oct. 27, 2001
People deny reality. They fight against real feelings caused by real circumstances. They
build mental worlds of shoulds, oughts, and might-have-beens.
-David Reynolds
Those who say money can't buy happiness, don't know where to shop.
[email protected]
Those who say money isn't everything, tend to have none.
[email protected]
The album's quite a release once you get over the fact that it sounds like people being
tortured in the engine room of an aircraft carrier.
-Dylan Rhoads
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
-Elisabeth Anne Riba
Its not the heat I mind... Its the Humanity.
-Ryan Richards
breakbeats are so passe, unless they actually break something.
-Brian "Skinny" Richardson
See, what it boils down to is taste. And discretion. For example, when Gene Roddenberry
died, even the very first person to post 'he's dead, Jim' was still an unoriginal, annoying
weenie.
-RICHH
If men could get pregnant not only would abortions be legal but you could get them at
McDonalds.
-John Ridley
Or, if she's looking for a male date, why does she want someone gay in particular? (other
than the obvious fact that gay men are better looking than straight men?)
-Donna Riley
You are a bitter young man...
-Kirsten Riley
You are so funny... If only I could remember your name.
-Kirsten Riley
You can't make an omelette without breaking some people you don't like much anyway,
so 'Any time is omelette time,' I say.
-Louche Rimbaud
Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand
on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are
bastards.'
-Rincewind the Wizard
Actually, now that you mention it, you may be right. Sex would utterly rule in a 75mm
aspect ratio and with THX-approved speakers in full surround sound and stuff, but in real
life….and it should come with popcorn, too, and maybe have sequels and stuff.
-Adam Rixey
All men are created evil. Some are just more evil than others.
-Adam Rixey
Goths are sort of like mimes with long hair and trenchcoats. Neat.
-Adam Rixey
I hate that part of the day where i've read all the newsgroups and looked at all the
interesting web pages so now it's either just sit here bored or do work.
-Adam Rixey
I think it's also pretty sad when I say a movie doesn't have enough action, yet it has like
30 decapitations, a disembowelment, multiple dismemberments, shotgun fu, assault rifle
fu, people being impaled on pretty much everything, spontaneous phosphor combustion,
priest torture, and god knows what else.
-Adam Rixey
...I'm not sure what my answer would be.... If the question were "sex, drugs, rock'n'roll,
or a high speed net connection" the choice would be much easier.
-Adam Rixey
Is that the one where they were swimming in scuba gear around the hot water vents and
the big tube worms were attacking them so G.I. Joe and Cobra briefly teamed up to kill,
maim, and destroy the life they did not understand but then once the worms were gone
they went back to shooting at each other with color-coded laser weapons that, even
though these are the two most highly-funded armies in the world, have yet to injure one
human being?
-Adam Rixey
probably just wait until the right moment to make a move and have her rip my heart out
and toss some quicklime on it and then throw it in a blender, chug it, snarf it so it goes
out her nose, and then flush the remnants down the toilet.
-Adam Rixey
Some sort of demon materializing and shredding the hell out of the mosh pit would have
fit in perfectly with the whole atmosphere they created and, I should add, easily have
made this the Coolest Show In History…
-Adam Rixey
There's a Mentos commercial in the middle of Aliens when Ripley first uses the loader
thing. What a retard.
-Adam Rixey
well, I have to rule out stuff like "stalks me after sleeping with him" or "boils my pets" or
"puts chewed up carrots in my most private places" because I simply don't have access to
any sample data.
-Adam Rixey
Humanity has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but
because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
-Tom Robbins
...to emphasize the afterlife is to deny life. To concentrate on Heaven is to create hell. In
their desperate longing to transcend the disorderliness, friction, and unpredictability that
pesters life; in their desire for a fresh start in a tidy habitat, germ-free and secured by
angels, religious multitudes are gambling the only life they may ever have on a dark
horse in a race that has no finish line.
-Tom Robbins
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.
-Robespierre
It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become
lesbians.
-Pat Robertson on equal rights
I really wish I could come up with glib repartee like you guys. But I can't. So I'll just
paralyze you.
-Noah Robin
Other people's insurance doesn't bring you back from the dead. Mine will, but I haven't
managed to scrape up the "200 souls of 16-year-old virgins" deductible yet.
-Noah Robin
Finance is a gun. Politics is knowing when to pull the trigger.
-Enzo Robutti as Don Licio Lucchesi in The Godfather, Part III
Everybody wants a person who's into them. I always wanted someone to want me for
being Chris -- not for being the famous guy on TV. But I'll never know who's really down
with me unless I'm so broke I'm trying to mail letters with food stamps. But I'm doing
okay. Everybody's your friend when you're doing okay.
-Chris Rock
I have no use for men who fail. I want successful men as my associates.
-John D. Rockefeller
At one time, Kybx and I planned to be old ladies together -- we PLANNED to be the
crazy old ladies who lived in the scary old house at the end of the street with a million
cats in it that the kids all threw rocks at. It's A PLAN. NOT A SICKNESS.
-Elizabeth Rodgers
A few comments on the language at the center of the galaxy. The great, hulking, sucking
black hole of a language as massive and lifeless as a thousand dead suns. A gargantuan
monster of a language that... ...has...... recently...... been... STANDARDIZED! Don't let
anyone tell you C++ isn't standardized. It is standardized. Oh, boy, is it ever standardized.
It's so standardized you can envision the entire ANSI C++ standards committee standing
up, pointing to their crotches and shouting, "We Got Your Standardized RIGHT HERE!"
-Robert Rodgers
As you can see, smoking offers the best long term investment. Plus, by investing in
tobacco companies, I can take part in the death of over 300,000 people per year. What
more could a man want?
-Robert Rodgers
Blaming society for your problems is like blaming crowds for rain.
-Robert Rodgers
COBOL. Hell's language. In Hell. C and C++ programmers decipher and maintain
undocumented decades-old code written in a language they don't even know, which was
maintained by people who didn't know COBOL.
-Robert Rodgers
Congratulations, StarFighter, you have now reached the level of mid semester senior.
Your score is 1390 for 360 moves. Would you like to proceed (Y/N)?
-Robert Rodgers
Cybersex. I'm still waiting for someone to admit that the sight of some computer type
sitting infront of his computer with a fake vagina wired to the parallel port is rather sad
and not exciting.
-Robert Rodgers
Damn. But just goes to prove the law of computing: Abandon All Hope of Good Products
Ye Who Enter Here.
-Robert Rodgers
Don't bring the facts into this!
-Robert Rodgers
FACT: The web sucks and it does NOT SCALE WELL. This should be obvious to, well,
everyone in the universe. Even the dumb parts of the universe.
-Robert Rodgers
God, that's amazing. Good design on Unix -- hell, it's like finding gold in your back yard.
About as likely, too.
-Robert Rodgers
God hates me. This I know. I saw it in the shape of my Quaker Instant Oatmeal this
morning. The tracks and valleys left by the spoon were unusual and probably demonic.
-Robert Rodgers
Hey, cool. I can just see it-- some of these quotes come back to haunt me (ruin my career,
future, marriage, plans to take over the world and deliver it unto Satan).
-Robert Rodgers
How much analysis was required for this conclusion? Did they do both nostrils, or just
one?
-Robert Rodgers
I have come to the conclusion that Celine Dion is an alien and that her so-called "music"
is actually sinister mind control beams. I am fortunately resistant and can hear the
"music" for the shrill, awful, pouty crapola that it is, but it is evident to me that much of
humanity has fallen into the alien's sinister grip. My contacts have also let it be known to
me that a certain race of strictly homosexual herion addicted blue-skinned planetary
observers has elected Leonardo DiCaprio their leader.
-Robert Rodgers
Is this a pervert?
-Robert Rodgers on fan mail
I wish there was some masked avenger who would travel the world and garrote anyone
who uses the "Wi-Fi" moniker.
-Robert Rodgers
I wonder how hard the LSAT is... I wonder if I could get into law school... I wonder if I
could be a lawyer without choking myself to death one cold, quiet winter night...
-Robert Rodgers
I've got half a gig of 3d videos in my pants, and I'm not glad to see you.
-Robert Rodgers
I've prepared some interesting PowerPoint presentations on how to do efficient OpenGL
programming and now, INSTEAD OF SHOWING THEM TO YOU, I AM GOING TO
SET THEM ON FIRE!!!
-Robert Rodgers
If Kellog's was a country, and Fruit Loops their currency, what factors would affect the
exchange rate?
-Robert Rodgers
It's an ALIEN! Yes, an ALIEN. A big hulking alien. My groggy but functioning
automatic response program IS operational. It says, "What the hell are you talking
about?" Make note for future: this is probably not the best way to handle a first contact.
-Robert Rodgers
It's interesting that, once you get your second wind, you discover that the brain doesn't
need sleep at all. Sleep is a myth and a product of cultural influences. The brain just
needs Mountain Dew. Now, the eyelids, that's another issue. For that I think you'd need to
go intravenous.
-Robert Rodgers
Lost World combines all the cliches like the Kmart of Filmmaking was having a
liquidation sale.
-Robert Rodgers
Lost World didn't make enough sense to be insulting, and even at the moments when you
know Speilberg was sitting in the cutting room saying "geeze, that really sucks.. I can't
show that to a paying audience.. Well.. Maybe with music.." you don't really feel slapped
the way, say, in Congo you do when Tim Curry is doing the worst impression of a gay
Romanian treasure hunter in, well, ever.
-Robert Rodgers
Obviously, you have the brains of a kitchen blender.
-Robert Rodgers using IRC
Oh, hey, good news. They're filming Species 3.
-Robert Rodgers
Our research methods consisted of picking our noses while making obvious assumptions.
-Robert Rodgers on PC World reporting
Severed Heads: It's not just a rock band anymore.
-Robert Rodgers
Software is about getting things working. It is not about pretending to be a math guy.
-Robert Rodgers
Some part of me wants to make a sheet of jokes that start with "A naive startup walks
into a bar..."
-Robert Rodgers
Still, the battle is not over. We have managed to corrupt the academic world, but the
commercial world stands firm. They insist on using languages that actually allow the
development of large, complex programs. Until we convince the Western Imperialist
Capitalist Industrialists to use ML, our victory will not be complete!
-Robert Rodgers
Surely the strong and noble residents are down to earth types. They are people of the soil.
They know about nature and toil. These people are not going to be antsy, panicky, afraidof-a-leetle-leezard types. If the lizard has them scared, it must be because it is mightier
than their SUVs and meaner than the many Lexus vehicles they have arrayed in their
defense.
-Robert Rodgers
This really sucks -- if I wanted an X feel on Windows, I'd pound a pencil through my
forehead.
-Robert Rodgers
There's nothing like a few good corpses to help along natural selection.
-Robert Rodgers
This is one of many special ML features to encourage good code by preventing any code
from being written. ... Think about it all the liability you avoid by never shipping
anything!
-Robert Rodgers
This translates roughly as, "why buy music/food/whatever when you can buy RAM?"
-Robert Rodgers
Thought for the day: Asking someone if they're on crack may not be the ideal way of
saying, "What, are you high?"
-Robert Rodgers
Thought for the future: if you fall behind, and get sick, and blow two exams because you
are sick as a dog and have three exams and a project due in one WEEK, no matter HOW
well you do on the final exam you CANNOT get more than a C. Obvious solution: don't
get behind. Real-world solution: don't get sick.
-Robert Rodgers
To sum it up, ... A computer scientist needs a tie like a bat needs sunglasses. A computer
scientist needs a tie like a composer needs a stroke. A computer scientist needs a tie like a
prostate needs cancer. A computer scientist needs a tie like an opera needs a chainsaw. A
computer scientist needs a tie like baby food needs glass shards. A computer scientist
needs a tie like kool aide needs cyanide.
-Robert Rodgers
Want an example of the, oh, worst possible syntax for a construction? Look to ML, the
language with the magical changing syntax.
-Robert Rodgers
Well, there's the problem right there. They should be investing in forward thinking
technologies like the web, which being forward looking, doesn't look back, and turned
out to be implemented atop a protocol that made every mistake and wrong decision that
the very earliest versions of NFS made and corrected with experience.
-Robert Rodgers
Whackamole is holy. How dare they change it. I'm going to blow up a Burger King over
this.
-Robert Rodgers
What the hell kind of weird group is this? One album is a likeable sort of
techno/rave/eurotrash, and the other one is like... TORI AMOS. doing ACID. while
SUCKING HELIUM. and singing ______ EASY LISTENING EIGHTIES OLDIES
________
-Robert Rodgers
(1) mp3 players do not bother to verify the format of the file you hand them beyond the
header (2) if you transfer an MP3 in ascii mode, you get one of the weirdest audio
experiences I've ever heard (3) especially if it's the A Team theme.
-Robert Rodgers
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than
the other.
-Will Rogers
Profits are better than wages. Wages make you a living; Profits make you a fortune.
-Jim Rohn
If you have sex with a cow, you basically win.
-Terry Rokop
Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence
lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only
time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out
what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never
define your character.
-Henry Rollins
Sleep deprivation makes everything really neat.
-Henry Rollins
i'm not here to help--i'm here to torment under the guise of helping.
-Rick Romero
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
-Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Far better it is to dare mighty things, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank
with those who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight
that knows not victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles;
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood, who
strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort
without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows
the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at
the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he
fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold
and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants
done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.
-Theodore Roosevelt
I take every chance I can get to publicly apologize for 'Gone In 60 Seconds'.
-Scott Rosenberg, screenwriter
Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of
the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly
genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us.
-Louis Rosetto
I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of
persecution at all times.
-Gavin Rossdale
Look, it's my misery that I have to paint this kind of painting, it's your misery that you
have to love it, and the price of the misery is thirteen hundred and fifty dollars.
-Mark Rothko
Silence is so accurate.
-Mark Rothko
Imagine a world without hypothetical situations.
-Debbie Rothman
There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the
first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain.
-Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out
candles and fans fires.
-La Rochefoucauld
Sex is our calling, and there's nothing we think about more. When a woman passes an
attractive man on the street, she may imagine being on his arm, kissing him wildly under
the stars. When a guy passes an attractive woman on the street, he's invented 16 new
sexual positions faster than Big Blue can calculate a chess move. That's the sort of
ingenuity that builds nations.
-Chip Rowe
And don't forget, ladies, that nothing says 'I care' quite like a restraining order....
-Eric Rowe
I love the smell of sophistry in the morning.
-Eric Rowe
It seems like one click shopping is a reality that can be granted a patent, but one click
stop Amazon's spam is only pie in the sky.
-Tom Rowland
Just did poorly on my Operating Systems midterm. The last question (25% of the grade)
was completely unintelligible. It was on semaphores but since I didn't understand it let
me use a history analogy. The question was the computer science equivalent of 'Write a
6-8 page essay on the communist regime in China.' To which my analogous answer was
'It sucked.'
-Dave Roy
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid
Februarys whenever possible.
-Steve Rubenstein
it's called life. deal.
-Deanna Rubin
That a majority should be able to compel others to live in their kind of world is
specifically what those who founded our country did not believe in.
-Herman Rubin
Virtual Hair - the wave of the future! I can see it now. Hair club for men becomes
obsolete...
-Sylvia A Rudy
When a woman has been scorned there are no accidents.
-Christen Runge
I like the stress, it keeps me bright-eyed and perky. Okay, wild-eyed and high-strung,
whatever.
-Jan Ruocco
It is with deepest regrets we must inform you that you're a weenie.
-Matt Rupert
I myself manage to hold large numbers of wholly irreconcilable views simultaneously,
without the least difficulty. I do not think others are less versatile.
-Salman Rushdie
If there were in the world today a large number of people who desired their own
happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others we could have a paradise in a
few years.
-Bertrand Russell
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for
evidence which could support this.
-Bertrand Russell
Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
-Bertrand Russell
Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.
-Bertrand Russell
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work
is terribly important.
-Bertrand Russell
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
-Bertrand Russell
The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating,
and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
-Bertrand Russell
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of
themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
-Bertrand Russell
Well... everybody's being very careful, these days, sexually, but there are still several
pockets of promiscuity... the Marines and the Evangelists.
-Mark Russell
What IS a 'moderate Iranian', anyway? Someone who takes hostages but doesn't eat
them?
-Mark Russell
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-Ernest Rutherford
Life always sucks. It's just that sometimes that feels very good.
-Kevin Ryan
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already
knows.
-Frederick Ryder
quotes: s
In this world there are two kinds of pinatas my friend, those filled with candy and those
filled with nitroglycerine.
[email protected]
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary
propensity toward fanaticism.
-Carl Sagan
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
-Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument;
my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never
hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it
should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens
every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion.
-Carl Sagan
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up
to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have
learned dolphinese.
-Carl Sagan
Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a
galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more
galaxies than people.
-Carl Sagan
Scepticism and re-evaluation are necessities, not luxuries.
-Edward Said
No, I'm a middle-class white criminal. I got a slap on the wrist.
-Jim Salsman
For him that steals, or borrows and returns not, a book from its owner, let it change into a
serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members
blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease to
his agony till he sing in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw at his entrails…
-inscribed in the library of the monastery of San Pedro, in Barcelona
Neural nets are cool. I have one. I like to put alcohol on it.
-Manuel Sanches
Every time a computer science student graduates, another free software project goes into
'maintenance mode'.
-Fletcher Sandbeck
This is no time to act like a gentleman. I am a cad and shall react like one.
-George Sanders
It's a choice that's been offered to many men: Be a slave in Heaven or a star in Hell; and
Hell does not always look like Hell - on a good day it can look a lot like L.A.
-Dr. Eugene Sands, Playing God
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
-George Santayana
Karma is like justice without the satisfaction. And I don't believe in justice.
-Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun
The only thing you can assume about a broken-down old man is that he's a survivor.
-Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun
Competition brings out the worst in people and the best in products.
-David Sarnov
As the years went by, Apple management's reaction to its steady decline was to insist that
its products would win because they were better, and to continually charge more for them
until, by 1994, it decided it would allow clones to be built after all. This was followed by
the decision that it would not allow clones to be built after all, then by a decision that it
would allow it, then it wouldn't, and finally, no one cared.
-SatireWire
If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For
instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say
'president', we say 'seriously deranged git'
-Alexei Sayle
Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people
have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same
thing, isn't it?
-Alexei Sayle
p.s. Just kidding about the small furry animals. I would't kill them REALLY, I might just
try to hurt their feelings a little though.
-Phillip R. Scarr
The US military is, in spite of the efforts of the past few years by a whole lot of selfserving politicians, a junkyard dog on a short leash. In most cases harmless, but if you
piss its owners off enough for them to slip the leash, it's time to bend over and smile.
[email protected]
A haiku is a a Japanese poem containing three lines of five, seven, and five syllables,
containing a cutting, or pause, word, as well as spam, oelestra, or Spice Girls imagery.
-Joshua Schachter
And remember -- if you can't be creative or interesting, you can be cute and naked.
-Joshua Schachter
Been there, done that, threw away the t-shirt.
-Joshua Schachter
Blah...I'm bored. Let's go out and get new girlfriends.
-Joshua Schachter
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. BACKSPACE IS DELETE.
-Joshua Schachter
he who controls the spice girls controls the universe!
-Joshua Schachter
I AM A REAL PROGRAMMER. IF IT DOESN'T COME FROM A VENDING
MACHINE, I DON'T EAT IT.
-Joshua Schachter
I don't actually have a clue... but that's never stopped me before... although that's never
helped me succeed
-Joshua Schachter
Remind me next time I'm writing program to have the error messages rhyme.
-Joshua Schachter
i was going to, in fact, deliver an insult so horrible and mind blowing that your
personality and psyche would have been utterly destroyed. however, i have decided that it
would not be worth it to lose you as a person so i'll just mention i could have done so.
-Joshua Schachter
i use sweet'n low in my coffee so a sugar rush doesn't interfere with my caffeine rush
-Joshua Schachter
I'm depressed ... It's a cheap way to show yourself a bad time.
-Joshua Schachter
i'm running IE 10.0 on Server 2008. i'm so bleeding edge that i am sliced so thin it makes
the average deli vendor green with envy.
-Joshua Schachter
If you freak her out and she winds up in the hospital then YOU WIN.
-Joshua Schachter
it turns out that it is not better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. it's
better to not look like an idiot while doing so.
-Joshua Schachter
so kill me, or i'll send the intel bunny people to do their thing on your ass.
-Joshua Schachter
The only problem with the game so far is that I haven't figured out a good way to make
money yet, so for ten bucks a month I get to roleplay a homeless person.
-Joshua Schachter
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-Joshua Schachter
you forget that i'm jewish. so to me, the pope is an annoying public leader that i didn't
even vote for
-Joshua Schachter
you've raise some very interesting and important issues. i'll spank you later
-Joshua Schachter
Your zen-fu sucks.
-Joshua Schachter
I gave up luck in high school. I prefer a little deadly force myself.
-Dutch Schaefer, Predator
Life is a joke, and death is the ultimate punch line. Welcome to hell.
-Trevor Schadt
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-Phyllis Schafly
Allow me to begin. Imagine the mezzanine level between Squalor and Gutter, join me, if
you will, in the gentle transition between the Eighth and Ninth Circle of Hell. Milkman
Dan has been invited several times, but has declined on the pretext of "early morning
roadkill cookoffs". Only the hopeless, the deranged, and the existential need apply.
Thank you.
-Ridgely Schantz
And when you beg to lick my killing floor, be sure to bring your Mastercard, because I
will take your soul, but I won't take American Express.
-Ridgely Schantz
I have Windows Vista on my computer. I'm not wowed, but neither have I been adversely
affected. But, then, my geekdom is limited to minor modifications. So for me, Microsoft
is the reclusive serial killer down the hallway with whom I am not intimately involved
enough to be explicitly aware of the damage he's doing. I just sit home and eat my steak
tartar quietly.
-Ridgely Schantz
If she comes at you with an orangestick and nail polish, be warned: SHE's BEEN
DRINKING. Malt liquor and manicures don't mix. Come to think of it, not much does
mix with malt liquor so I suggest you drink fast.
-Ridgely Schantz
Inside you're laughing. ... Outside you're covered with creamy nougat.
-Ridgley Schantz
Okay, I have you slated for "Carnage, Massive and Widespread" as well as "Pillage,
Plunder, Other" and "Semi-Divine Escort (Brunhilde, Gunhilla, Sigurd: your choice of)".
-Ridgely Schantz
Pennsylvania is just a state that gets in your way when you're trying to get to other states!
-Ridgely Schantz
The correct expression is "my date". If ya can't bring a date to your own wedding...well,
then, consider civilization collapsed.
-Ridgely Schantz
just to set the record straight: the roswell aliens, adolf hitler, JFK, elvis, lee harvey
oswald and a short-order cook from missoula are all living on a sumptious estate owned
by howard hughes just outside of buenos aires.
-Ethan Schartman
watch out for the volvo station wagons, too. actually, i think that the only station wagon
it's permissable to buy is a powder blue late model buick roadmaster with faux wood
panelling, and the driver's door has to be primer brown. no hub caps, neither. (of course,
my personal dream car is a flat-black cadillac hearse with a chopped top, racing slicks,
supercharger with enormous hood scoop, and nitrous oxide - though the nitrous has to be
plumbed into the vent system, not the engine:)
-Ethan Schartman
Web people don't care about your dumb design.
-John Schmitz
Security is a process, not a product.
-Bruce Schneier
If atheism is a religion, then bald is a hair color.
-Mark Schnitzius
A pact between Microsoft and Barney. Sealed in purple blood.
-Dmitri Schoeman
kill me now...uh...better yet, kill him now.
-Dmitri Schoeman
Genetic engineering is like legos, only with really small blocks.
-Dmitri Schoeman
I'd like a large bowl of angst with a side order of frustration, no catsup.
-Dmitri Schoeman
say, josh, if I type a death threat to the president, will you send it from your email
account for me?
-Dmitri Schoeman
Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.
-Schopenhauer
To help you truly appreciate how we will verbally communicate with tomorrow's
computers, stop thinking of Star Trek and instead imagine in your mind's ear the
sociopathic musings of a digital Robert De Niro.
-Michael Schrage
They wouldn't know subtlety if it painted itself purple and jumped up and down in front
of them singing "Subtlety is here again"...
-Ian Schrieber, paraphrasing from Black Adder III
The Pledge of Allegiance says 'liberty and justice for all'. Which part of 'all' don't you
understand?
-Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colorado
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-Charles Schultz
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a
touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-E. F. Schumacher
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or
white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other
side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a
compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
sense of respect for the whole truth.
-Stephen R. Schwambach
As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a strategist, nor is
he schooled in the operational arts, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a
soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man, I want you to know that.
-General Norman Schwarzkopf
I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.
-General Norman Schwarzkopf
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only
the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.
-Albert Schwietzer
Be slow in choosing a friend, but slower in changing him.
-Scottish Proverb
I've suffered for my music, ladies and gentlemen. Now it's your turn.
-Raymond Scum
It is regrettable for the education of the young that war stories are always told by those
who survived.
-Louis Scutenaire
The simple fact is that Apple always was Steve's company, even when he wasn't there.
The force that allowed Apple to survive more than a decade of bad leadership,
cluelessness and constant mistakes was the legacy of Steve's original Art. That legacy
was not just an OS that was 10 years ahead of the rest of the world, but a Cause that
induced a righteousness of purpose centered around a will to innovate -- to perpetuate the
original artistic achievements.
-Doc Searls
If someone tells you that the fully armored man of the Middle Ages was so encumbered
by his armor that he could not rise if he fell, you may well ask yourself, first, if it is
reasonable to assume that professional soldiers would go on wearing armor that kept
them from fighting...
-Nicole Sebastiani
We need the ribbon for evidence.
-Secret Service agent regarding confiscation of an SJG laser printer
I've conquered your love with my hate.
-Secret Squirrel
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--The last words of General John Sedgwick, Battle of Spotsylvania Courthouse, 1864
Seems to me the basic conflict between man and women, sexually, is that men are like
firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in
two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're exciting, but the conditions
have to be exactly right for it to occur.
-Jerry Seinfeld
As usual with true stories, I hate to say that someone's life wasn't quite as exciting as a
flock of animated chickens, but it's true.
-The Self-Made Critic, on _The Perfect Storm_
This career is supposed to be really high paying. Oh well. At least I'm not out on the
corner of Market and Van Ness with a cardboard sign saying "Will Animate For Food.
God Bless"
-Terri Selting
Bush's family values campaign: The major thrust of Hitler's ascent to power was the
return of traditional German family. The slogan was 'Kinder, kuche, kirche;' in English,
"Children, kitchen, church." The Third Reich believed the return to tradtional family
values was threatened only by Jews, socialists, feminists, and homosexuals. Creepy, huh?
-Tara M. Seman
There is no great genius free from some tincture of madness.
-Seneca
The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn flakes and
Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard Bernstein and living bras are
incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult, probing, meaningful drama when the
proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet
paper.
-Rod Serling
Adults are just obsolete chidren, and to hell with them.
-Dr. Seuss
I was sitting on a curb one day feeling all dejected, and a little bird came along and said
'cheer up, it could be worse', so I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.
-Dan Shafer
When things start to make sense, check your premises!
-Dan Shafer
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
-Mary Shafer, NASA
...when sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions.
-William Shakespeare
Here's a hot scoop for all the millions of viewers who watch the NBC lineup on Thursday
nights: For the next few weeks the stupid sitcom "Suddenly Susan" will be replaced by
the stupid sitcom "The Naked Truth." Adjust viewing habits accordingly.
-Tom Shales, The Washington Post
I made you, and I'm God. That's all you need to know.
-Courtney Shane, Jawbreaker
With the exception of Black which you can generally tell when it is black, Maroon is one
of those colors that gets really devalued by the fact that a lot of us can't tell it's Maroon. If
you go around wearing Violet and it looks good, everyone's going to tell you how your
purple dress looks nice. Most of us had small boxes of crayons as kids, ya know? In a lot
of ways it reminds me of the first grade where I couldn't find the Red in the BIG BOX of
crayons, so I had to borrow red from someone else, except my red wasn't red, it was
sugar red, so when I finished my coloring project I turned it into the teacher, and she
asked me to show her the crayon, and she was very angry with me for using sugar red
instead of red. I had to redo the entire thing during recess. I'm still bitter about it. Ms.
Shipley, where ever you are, i'm going to find you and destroy you.
-Shanoyu, Yohoho Puzzle Pirates forums
The Internet isn't free. It just has an economy that makes no sense to capitalism.
-Brad Shapcott
Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine for everyone
who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent enthusiast for that particular
flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged tea tastes less like lemon than most electric
home appliances. The only way this substance could be considered a "year-round
valentine" is by taking the meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the
open for a year, would be encrusted with congealed blood and covered with small,
creeping insects. This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept
bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace
collections or counting one's own armpit hairs.
-Mike Shapiro
One funny thing that happened: on my Q&A part, I was asked to recite as many of the
Articles of Faith as I could. One of the ones I mentioned was, "Be discreet in killing." I
got a very strange look and was told that that one wasn't used any more, and was replaced
by "Always know the difference between good and evil." Same difference.
-Mike Shapiro
What sort of bald-faced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common
is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are
equivalent to your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat's.
-Mike Shapiro
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-Shatter
A barbarian is one who thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of
nature.
-George Bernard Shaw
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into
pedantry. Hence University education.
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in
circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look
for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not
got it.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying
to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
You daren't handle high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and truth and
justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another to prove it. What a world!
It certainly comes up from time to time in the context of, you know, testimony and other
things... We do -- the briefers -- also, from time to time, get those questions as well. As to
-- you know, nothing has changed on that in terms of our position and, you know, I think
it's -- you know, I can refer you to, you know, to probably to previous statements by
officials on that. But I don't have anything -- you know, I mean, you know, our -- I think - I don't have -- you know, I -- we -- usually we try to have, you know, a little bit of
something on that. I'm not sure that it's going to be, you know, specifically what you're
looking for. You know, generally speaking, our position that on settlements that it's the
Palestinians and the Israelis have agreed that the final status negotiations will cover these
issues and, you know, that's -- that's also our view.
-State Department deputy press secretary Christine Shelly when asked if there has
been a "clear statement of administration policy on settlements in the occupied
territories."
Hell is a city much like London--A populous and smoky city.
-Percy Shelly
I think our coffee machine is networked -- I keep seeing these dropped sugar packets all
around it.
-Tony Shepps
Why are there no cheese-flavored drinks?
-Ben Sherman
Look, I don't know what this looks like to you - I've lost my ability to tell the difference
between what's cute and what's idiotic...
-Jay Sherman
Well, I've created a new scale that shows which diseases I'd rather have than watch this
movie.
-Jay Sherman
There comes a time when a man must face up to realities and confront them. Fortunately,
this is not such a time.
-Will Sherman
As Josh pointed out, I neglected to mention the 7 inch penis extender.
-Bruce Sherrod
Being off the Internet is like being dead.
-Bruce Sherrod
Not Cool: Being dumped via email.
-Bruce Sherrod
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this
before.
-Bruce Sherrod
Disclaimer: This holiday greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others
and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to
those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
-Bruce Sherrod
Do I detect the signs of an emotionally unstable female?
-Bruce Sherrod
Hey baby, what's your medical history?
-Bruce Sherrod
I can see how this would make it a lot harder to apply oneself to work, especially here
where work is so pointlessly and excruciatingly odious.
-Bruce Sherrod
I didn't make the rules; I just ignore them.
-Bruce Sherrod
I have delusions of adequacy.
-Bruce Sherrod
I just sent a jpeg compressed image, in a unencoded, gzipped, tar file, as a MIME
attachment. Is that cool, or stupid?
-Bruce Sherrod
I think someone installed HateDoubler onto my PC.
-Bruce Sherrod
Internet traffic has been increasing enormously, straining the infrastructure. Click here to
download a 10.5MB Quicktime movie about it.
-Bruce Sherrod
Oh, and I've been on the net since '98. And I have a 13 inch penis.
-Bruce Sherrod
If I can't have quiet in here, I won't be interested in living. Are you interested in dying?
Now, shut up; or I'll send you to a hell you're not familiar with.
-Bruce Sherrod
If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em.
-Bruce Sherrod
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an imported, semiautomatic assault rifle?
-Bruce Sherrod
It all sucks. Hardware sucks. I hate people asking me about hardware. My advice always:
don't buy anything.
-Bruce Sherrod
It's very important to spend lots of money on more computer hardware, just in case one of
those creative bursts happens. You wouldn't want to be caught thinking, "I could have
been the next Mozart if it wasn't for that lame sound card that I have." Come to think of
it, I should go out and buy a Soundblaster X-Fi right now.
-Bruce Sherrod
Linux: Thousands of people from all over the world help you to shoot yourself in the
foot, for free.
-Bruce Sherrod
Pass the cute chicks more or less all over to me, would you please?
-Bruce Sherrod
So many women, so little nerve.
-Bruce Sherrod
Style, style is important, since there's really no content.
-Bruce Sherrod
Thanks. Now I'm Master Bruce. All I need is a butler named Alfred. And Uma Thurman.
-Bruce Sherrod
That's not passion in my eyes. It's arson.
-Bruce Sherrod
The smile didn't do anything more than flay the skin off my body, sandblast every nerve
and ligament, osterize a few major organs, and fry my eyeballs in their own grease; I
made no visible sign that could possibly have been detected by anyone except the people
present in the room. I think I'm finally over her completely.
-Bruce Sherrod
There are two ways to tell a sexy male. The first is that he has a bad memory. I forget the
second.
-Bruce Sherrod
Is this the stupidest penis contest yet?
-Bruce Sherrod
Well, it has Mosaic and Mac in the title. I think that means it sucks.
-Bruce Sherrod
It plays a gun-cocking sound. It's very satisfying; I'm all ready to shoot myself in the foot.
-Bruce Sherrod
women: can't live with 'em, can't get them to dress in skimpy leather Nazi outfits
-Bruce Sherrod
Yeah; after all, we all know that a man is just a walking life support system for a penis.
Actually, that's not true. There's also money.
-Bruce Sherrod
Lap times give you an objective measure of how close you are to your car's ultimate
capabilities. That is the meaning of "at speed"; it means that the complete system of car
and driver are operating in harmony. It means that everything is being exercised to a
significant fraction of its capabilities. Driving at 90 mph in a straight line is just wanking.
Complaining that you were caught wanking is just whining. Shut up and learn to drive.
-Mike Shields
I have won and you have lost. The question is, why?
-Shin
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping
elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.
-Carl Shipley
Imagine a sector of the economy that moved a significant proportion of its compensation
off the books in the form of options. If options had real value as you suggest, this would
have the effect of artificially inflating earnings, which in turn would create a
cumulatively false picture of positive growth, which would lead to a share bubble, where
shares are overbid because they seem more valuable than they are, relative to those parts
of the market that do not use options as a way of hiding costs. However, since we know
the market always prices things correctly, we know that this cannot happen, therefore
options must have zero real value til excercised. QED.
-Clay Shirky
The thing I keep reminding myself is that people don't kill people, men kill people.
-Clay Shirky
Viral marketing is not going to save mediocre businesses from extinction. It is the
scourge of the stupid and the slow, because it only rewards companies that offer great
service and have the strength to allow and even encourage their customers to publicly
pass judgment on that service every single day.
-Clay Shirky
Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about, but they just
don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department opens up on you with
an Ingram set to full auto.
-Olin Shivers
Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds at this place?
-Olin Shivers
It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career of brilliant,
original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of random, deeply unhinged
violence.
-Olin Shivers
When I was 12, I found a box containing a bunch of old issues of Hustler in a lot behind
the local 7-11. I began to feel sensations I'd never felt before. Being a scientifically
minded young fellow, I immediately ran home and examined one of the low-angle money
shots through my microscope. That's when I made the horifying discovery that women
are composed of red, yellow and blue dots. I've been trying to live with the implications
of that discovery for years now.
-Shoeboy, Slashdot
I'm not intending to imply insult or judgement here but I am curious to know in order to
be able to respond to your posts in an appropiate manner, so please forgive what appears
to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid?
-Melinda Shore
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with
keyboards.
-Solomon Short
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For
another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in
situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
-Solomon Short
We have a date with destiny, and it seems like she ordered the lobster.
-The Shoveller, Mystery Men
All in all, things were easier to fix when the people running the network were the ones
with the nukes.
-Tim Showalter
Bashing him is like shooting fish in a barrel. Well, dead fish. With a shotgun. The barrel
is laced with explosives. And you're in a harbor with a 20-inch battleship-mounted
cannon, just in case. But if something should go wrong, there's a fish market so you've
got some convenient, prepackaged dead fish just in case.
-Tim Showalter
The Internet Engineering Task Force has a reputation as a standards body, but it's really
just a bunch of people pretending. It has no force behind it, no way of binding people,
they don't sue or whine when someone violates a standard. If you're very lucky, someone
will stand up and call someone else an asshole, then they all go to the bar.
-Tim Showalter
The Unicode Standard is a large, painful book, suitable for use as a blunt object, possibly
as a seventh weapon in the game of Clue. It could play a telephone book in a movie if it
were painted yellow and made more exciting. It could hold up a table if one leg were
several inches short and in need of the sort of support that only a standard can provide.
-Tim Showalter
There is a beaker in the back of the fridge labeled "BIO-HAZARD" which I would
appreciate your leaving alone.
-Jon Shum
Bill Gates says bandwidth should be free. We think software should be free. But it's not.
-John Sidgemore, CEO, MCI Worldcom
I could eat you.
-Jon-Anne Siefert
It's not okay to call unless you have a big web site you want designed, you want to
sponsor one of my pages, or you want to introduce me to a big-breasted single woman.
-David Siegel
This is truly a breakthrough in text-editing technology. People have said that text editors
are boring, but thanks to the amazing speed offered by the TACK board, you'll have so
much fun that you'll need to be sedated.
-Rich Siegel, President and CEO, Bare Bones Software
Not every woman brings you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
-Silent Bob, Clerks
...and I am not going to do the proof because the proof for this is stupid.
-Prof. Silhavy
You know that thing under the sink that catches all the dreck and keeps it in one place?
Now imagine it as an online service.
-Roy Silvernail on Delphi
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
-Jolyon Silversmith
How many of these abstruse internecine struggles between evolutionists must we endure?
Perhaps the consolation is that, whatever the outome of the debate between Wright and
Gould, the rest of us really can't lose: if the evolutionists win the battle for the minds of
young Kansans, then of course we all win; if the creationists come out on top, it proves
that Gould is right and evolution can proceed backward as well as forward.
-William Silvert
Childbirth is _not_ a miracle. Life is _not_ sacred. When you have twenty thousand
nomads huddled between two rivers in the Middle East and that's it for Homo sapiens,
when one in five children is a live birth, one in ten living past the age of ten, then
childbirth is a miracle and life is sacred. When the average age of a grandmother in
Philadelphia's housing projects is twenty-five, to call childbirth a miracle is at least a
tasteless joke and at worst a true obscenity.
-Dave Sim
Birthdays are good for you. Studies have shown that those who have the most birthdays
live the longest.
-Sean Simmons
I don't need to see the rules - I can lose as I play.
-Sean Simmons
I feel so inspired... I feel like I could fly... I think I'll go jump off that building...
-Sean Simmons
I'm not in marketing. I'm a peon engineer whose printer code doesn't work...
-Sean Simmons
I want to be a lifeguard for the gene pool. You! Out of the pool!
-Sean Simmons
It's over. You're done. You're finished. You can stick a fork in it. You're but a miserable
bug, crushed on the windshield of Klackon imperialism.
-Sean Simmons
Look...! No weaseling content! That's so cool!
-Sean Simmons
People like that I generally have the urge to deal with by thrusting reality in their face as
bluntly as possible, and then beating them about the head with it.
-Sean Simmons
Real men put quiche in their pipe and smoke it.
-Sean Simmons
Scotty, we need shields in the next three seconds, or we all die.
-Sean Simmons
We're the Beavis and Butthead of the STA coding world. "Hey Butthead, look at this
class." "Uh, huh, huh-huh, uh, huh-huh, this sssucks. Let's change it."
-Sean Simmons
In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there
was trouble. For with it came syntax...
-John Simon
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people
who are just funny and smart.
-Howard Simons, The Washington Post
[Dean Martin] is an absolute, unqualified drunk. And if we ever develop an Olympic
drinking team, he's gonna be the coach ... Dean Martin has been stoned more often than
the United States embassies.
-Frank Sinatra
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The Marshall Plan .. the Truman Policy .. all pumped billions upon billions of dollars into
discouraged countries. Now, newspapers in those countries are writing about the
decadent war-mongering Americans. I'd like to see one of those countries that is gloating
over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplanes.
-Gordon Sinclair
You know, I'm going to have a migraine tonight because I didn't beat you.
-Lt. Sipowicz, NYPD Blue
It might be scary if my life were to become a farce from which there were no escape, but
not so scary as, say, a ten-foot spider with big googly eyes and fangs.
-Steve Sisson
[Jupiter's] satellites are invisible to the naked eye and therefore can have no influence on
the Earth and therefore would be useless and therefore do not exist.
-Francesco Sizi
I speak spanish and french, enough to find a hotel room and someone to sleep with.
Really. I used to speak both fairly well, but I'm out of practice.
-Catherine Skidmore
A power plant with a contract is really just a gigantic short position for natural gas.
-Jeffrey Skilling, President & CEO, Enron
Never underestimate the power of a fight between Jesus and Santa
-Tim Skirvin
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
-slashdot
All software sucks. ALL software sucks.
-Jon Slenk
Forget ZEN, I need to get LAID!
-Jon Slenk
i used to look at people when i first met them and think, "i bet i won't like you." now, i
look at them and think, "i bet i won't like your web page."
-Jon Slenk
Just shut up and get on with the killing.
-Jon Slenk
man, trying to do code control with a mac is like killing yourself. oh, wait, killing
yourself would be good. doing code control with a mac is bad. make that "like licking a
cat's inner ear canal."
-Jon Slenk
sure, she's erudite, but what i really need to know is, IS SHE ANY FUN IN BED?
-Jon Slenk
user interfaces usually have one or more of the following properties: 1) they suck to use
2) they suck to use 3) they suck to use
-Jon Slenk
I... HATE this place... this... zoo, this prison, this... reality, whatever you want to call it.
-Agent Smith, The Matrix
I... hate... this internet, this world-wide-web, whatever you want to call it... It's the porn
pop-ups! I feel... saturated by them. And every time I surf the web I fear that I have
somehow become an S&M fanatic.
-Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix
Well, well, Mister Anderson. We meet at last. You'll notice that I'm wearing my
sunglasses indoors. In the normal world, this would make me look stupid. But because
this is after all a sci-fi action thriller, they serve to make me appear menacing.
-Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix
Sure, it trivializes human suffering and death... but other than that, what's you're point?
-Geoff Smith
C is like a huge V8 engine, attached directly to wheels with no gearing, no brake and
must be steered by hand. Perl is a car with an autopilot designed by insane aliens.
-Jeff Smith
The best thing about information at your fingertips is that you can pick your nose with it.
-Matt Smith, "Imminent Crash"
"Beta" is well known to be a synonym for "my cat wrote the floppy disk driver"
-Mike Smith
I've always planned to be a failure anyway, that's why I plan to marry an extremely
wealthy woman.
-Nick Smith, Metropolitan
Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar,
drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to
women.
-Nick Smith, Metropolitan
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.
-Red Smith
After all, we weren't saying these people were innocent, but we were saying you
shouldn't sodomize them.
-Stafford Smith, lawyer representing Camp X-Ray prisoners
The last thing you want to do is spell an elder god's name out correctly.
-Tom Smith, refusing to spell check Cthulhu
Live long and multi-task.
-Mike Smithwick
I see your point. And raise you a line
-Elliot Smorodinsky
Right Wing Politicians, Right Wing Think Tanks, Right Wing Talk Show Hosts, Right
Wing Talking Heads, the "Religious" Right and Right Wing Media all agree there is no
"Vast Conservative Conspiracy"
-The Smudge Report
Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and
pleasure! Beware of such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take
advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE
LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise, what
could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
-Rith Smythers, from Instructions And Advice For The Young Bride, 1894
Whether you're illustrating documentation for your corporate intranet, or leaking
confidential pictures of developmental software to rumors sites on the web, Snapz Pro is
the time-saver that all PowerUsers must have in their arsenal.
-Snapz Pro press release
XML sounds scary. Stuff that begins with the letter X usually does -- there's a reason they
didn't call it "The C Files."
-Jason Snell
Look, how about I kill you?
-Eric Snider
Should have talked to the babe you mentioned earlier. Heck what's the worst that would
have happened? She would have killed you? Heh. That'd be lucky.
-Eric Snider
Yoda spoke to Keith in a dream one day. He said, "Follow you must dream you have.
Good is snoot for to be others view." Keith didn't understand much of this but he knew
that Yoda was probably just a puppet with someone's hand up his ass. He then wondered
what sort of person would shove a hand up Yoda's ass.
-Snoot
Relationships based on boredom. Hmmm. That's a step up from relationships based on
insanity...
-Don Snow
Actresses in porn - unlike in Hollywood - far outearn the actors, choose their co-stars,
and decide what they will do on-screen. (People in the industry like to interpret this as
having power, but it's the power to choose whom you'll have anal sex with, a perk all of
us can presumably take for granted.)
-Lynn Snowden, Deep Inside the Valley of Sin
...there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the
government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation, and destroy the
male sex.
-Valerie Solanis
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
-Han Solo, "Star Wars"
As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule!
-Professor Dick Solomon, Third Rock from the Sun
And finally, there was the English degree. They probably had more than a few concerns
about the employment prospects of someone who'd spent the last four years writing
essays on "Paradise Lost" and "Paradise Regained."
-Susan Solomon
Free Clue for the Clueless: Usenet is not the real world.
-Andrew Solovay
And a worthy bunch of candidates they are! And what a tough decision this will be! And
what a string of uncalled-for exclamation points this is!
-Paul Somerville
I'm not sure about this, but I think if Saint Francis ever met Fred Phelps, the gentle spirit
from Assisi would make an exception and beat him up.
-Paul Somerville
10:30 is a popular time for class, so we can't get another room to take our tests in. That
means we all have to be in here, so it will be very crowded, but if I catch any of you
cheating I'll personally break your kneecaps.
-Dr. Mete Soner
People fear to offend or hurt others, not because they are kind but because they do not
care for the truth.
-Susan Sontag
'Personality' is simply the result of being off balance. We have 'characters' because we
have not found our center of gravity. We do not accept ourselves for what we are, we
retreat from our real selves, and then we erect a personality to bridge the gap.
-Susan Sontag
The appetite for thinking must be regulated, as all sensible people know, for it may stifle
one's life.
-Susan Sontag
The only interesting answers are those which destroy the question.
-Susan Sontag
If you're viewing this page then you're already a winner! ... *The tern "winner" means
many things to many people and we use it in the most tenuous way possible.
-www.sony.com
This server has encountered an internal error which prevents it from fulfilling your
request and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. The most likely cause is a
misconfiguration, or the fact that this is all a plot by the government to drive you insane.
Please ask the administrator to look for messages in the server's error log. His name is
Mel. You can find his home phone number listed in the code for this page. If a woman
named Mabel answers for the love of God hang up!
-www.sony.com
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually
another woman.
-Sim York Soo
The difference between a man and a child is the price of their toys.
-Sim York Soo
There's never money to do things right, but there's always money to do things twice.
-Michael Sorantino
USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame
them.
-Dan Sorenson
all these post-punk kids with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their
friggin' moist music...
-Space Ghost
Win? No, but if we think fast, we might live long enough to lie about it.
-from Spaced Invaders
Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
-from Spaced Invaders
The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and
sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards -- and even then I have my doubts.
-Gene Spafford
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to
redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of
excrement when you least expect it.
-Gene Spafford
The ideal technical writer realizes that tech pubs will always be a service organization
with relatively low status in the corporation.
-Steve Spanier, Director of Knowledge Products, Cisco
A man who is willing to commit suicide has the initiative.
-Boris Spassky
although many people do enjoy going to White Castle before, after, and i daresay during
sex, it is possible to enjoy White Castle even when no sex is involved.
-Geoff Spear
anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously
hasn't had enough gratuitous sex
-Geoff Spear
been there, done that, got the death threats
-Geoff Spear
i can still have a geoff complex. it's like a god complex but only cuter and better in bed.
-Geoff Spear
I don't care enough about my purity score to have sex with a dead animal in a groundbased vehicle weighing more than 5,000 pounds while i'm driving.
-Geoff Spear
I have Slack. I had a 0 GPA at midsemester in the spring, and Laughed at it.
-Geoff Spear
I have Slack. The cars can't hit me. Or kill me.
-Geoff Spear
i haven't slept since the 1st test. i should stay awake and take the 3rd tonight, proving you
can condense a semester into 3 days with no sleep. on second thought, i have nothing to
prove, and there's a bottle of tequila and a futon with my name on 'em
-Geoff Spear
I think any penalty except oral sex is worse than losing.
-Geoff Spear
i think monogamy is an evil concept dreamed up by perverted western religious leaders.
also, you're a wuss.
-Geoff Spear
i'd feel sorry for you if you weren't grossly overpaid.
-Geoff Spear
i'm having FUN! well, in a random disgusting kinda way, but all good fun is disgusting.
-Geoff Spear
I've gotten things more evil than you free at participating mcdonalds.
-Geoff Spear
it's against my religion to drink to escape problems. i can only drink to cause problems.
-Geoff Spear
it's irrelevant, because women exist only to make my life hell, preferably after lots of sex.
-Geoff Spear
of course i don't think you're stupid, dear. well, except in dating that wuss when you
could have someone totally perfect like me.
-Geoff Spear
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
-Geoff Spear
You shouldn't take everything you read on the net seriously... People like me post on the
net just for shits and giggles….
-Geoff Spear
Two's company, three's crossfire.
-Emma Speares
Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it -- badly.
-Henry Spencer
...those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by
which they are surrounded ...Sad, indeed, is it to see how men occupy themselves with
trivialities, and are indifferent to the grandest phenomena-- care not to understand the
architecture of the heavens, but are deeply interested in some contemptible controversy
about the intrigues of Mary Queen of Scots!
-Herbert Spencer
Warning: contains explicit language, violence, and 53M of data.
-Spirit of Christmas: Official Distribution Site
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them.
Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him.
-Spock, "Star Trek"
if you refuse to do it on some general religious principle that Bill Gates is the evil Smurf
Gargamel, then you are just gratuitously ruining your program so that you can feel smug
and self-satisfied, and your users will not thank you for it.
-Joel Spolsky
In 1960, almost 40 years before the Internet came along, Barbra Streisand drops the "a"
from her first name. Of course, with the unusual spelling, it's much easier to find her in
search engines, on Amazon, etc. That woman has incredible foresight.
-Joel Spolsky
If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people; if you're smart, surround yourself
with smart people who disagree with you.
-"Sports Night"
The dead horse was going to move. I swear!
-Andrew Sproule
The opinions expressed in this letter do, in fact, represent the opinions of UCSD, its
employees, faculty, and students, as well as the entire University of California system and
its precious Regents, because, let's face it, I have that kind of power at my disposal.
-Spyder God
Science cannot stop while ethics catches up -- and nobody should expect scientists to do
all the thinking for the country.
-Elvin Stackman
Publishers often refer to prohibited copying as "piracy." In this way, they imply that
illegal copying is ethically equivalent to attacking ships on the high seas, kidnaping and
murdering the people on them.
-Richard Stallman
I BREAK HABITS WHILE THE NUNS ARE STILL IN THEM.
-Rev. Ivan Stang
Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers but no
questions...yet able to deliver an occasional delightful surprise.
-Brenda Starr
This is an Uzi. This is an Uzi on full auto. Any questions?
-William Starr
An efficient organization is one in which the accounting department knows the exact cost
of every useless administrative procedure which they themselves have initiated.
-E.W.R. Steacie
I'm the BIRTHDAY GIRL! I want the BIG GUN!
-Jennifer Steele
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
-Tim Steeves
Simplicity, of all things, is the hardest to be copied.
-Sir Richard Steele
The people who get things done get more things to do.
-Mark Stehlik
It was not a fine river at all, but it was the only one we had and so we boasted about it--how dangerous it was in a wet winter and how dry in a dry summer. You can boast about
anything if it's all you have. Maybe the less you have, the more you are required to boast.
-John Steinbeck, East of Eden
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then
why can't he?
[email protected]
Marriage is one thing, but when you mix your Lego collections together, that's going way
beyond intimacy into a whole 'nother realm.
[email protected]
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-Gloria Steinem
actually, this is Freebasin' Freddie's diet plan, too. coke for breakfast, coke for lunch,
sensible dinner. it really works!
-Andrew Stellman
Apparently, the Guardian felt that my "conspiracy theory" had some merit, because they
ran an article verifying it. ... The source was the same foreign Pakistani foreign minister.
Apparently the Pakistani government turned that information over to the Taliban, who
had bin Laden's people launch a preemptive strike against my office in retaliation.
Presumably, the strategic loss of my lava lamp has dealt a crushing blow to the U.S.
-Andrew Stellman
Being soft-spoken is a much more attractive quality for a geek... A soft-spoken geek is
endearing, an underdog. A loud, obnoxious geek is just grating. Look at Vince
DelVecchio -- he's soft-spoken, yet geekly. He gets laid.
-Andrew Stellman
Can we assume that person is a complete idiot, or just a partial idiot.
-Andrew Stellman
dan doesn't need to be a girl, all he needs to do is find a dress that fits and accessorize to
his heart's content.
-Andrew Stellman
does cindy crawford come out of a bathroom holding a copy of the camel book in one
hand and a large sausage in the other? yeah, i have that dream too.
-Andrew Stellman
drugs. crack. a jedi knight wants not these things. but get some where can i?
-Andrew Stellman
Everyone and his bisexual brother writes erotica.
-Andrew Stellman
Finally! Woo-hoo! Yay for progress!
-Andrew Stellman
for instance, i was born and raised in the U.S.A., but i was raised by feral wolves, and i
didn't learn to speak english until i was captured by behavioral scientists when i was
twelve. the electroshock therapy is among my fondest childhood memories.
-Andrew Stellman
i tried it on my cat. it doesn't work nearly as well, and makes the cat very grumpy.
-Andrew Stellman, microwave chef
i don't think i can do the other stuff you wanted, but what i can do is obtain a false
passport and travel to equador where i will live for six months under the pseudoname
Julio Garcia, at which point i'll infiltrate the Garzone family that controls the local
government and RISE UP AND GUN DOWN THE CAPITALIST DOGS LONG LIVE
THE REVOLUTION!!! i also make a good cup of earl grey.
-Andrew Stellman
I had to use FORTRAN on many occasions to help my parents out. Most courts would
consider that child abuse.
-Andrew Stellman
I hope I'll be able to adapt back to a regular social structure after four/five years of grad
school.
-Andrew Stellman
I really wish the people who are in charge of the jewish conspiracy to control the world
would let me in on it.
-Andrew Stellman
i take refuge in the fact that what i lack in perversity i make up for in obscurity.
-Andrew Stellman
"i'm not racist because all the reasons i have for hating all the niggers and spics are
absolutely true. repeal welfare and affirmative action now!"
-Andrew Stellman
"i've seen much weirder in new york" is a good generalization, true in practically all
cases.
-Andrew Stellman
in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is not allowed to be the banker in Monopoly.
-Andrew Stellman
I wish I had a dollar for every person who pointed that out to me, thinking they just blew
a huge hole in my entire belief system that would send me into a downward spiral of
inner turmoil. Man, I'd have, like, twelve dollars.
-Andrew Stellman
It took a little research, but it seems that for once I'm not talking out of my ass.
-Andrew Stellman
It's just weird, I never thought I'd ever be carnally connected with a majority of KGB.
-Andrew Stellman on the Web of Shame
it's more than that -- it's the James Dean factor. the bottom line is that, if smoked
correctly, a cigarette really, truly does make you look cooler. it gives you emphysema,
but you look cool.
-Andrew Stellman
It's New-and-Improved York, with the optional Guiliani(tm) brand Quality-Of-Life-omatic lifestyle sanitizer. Now with fewer Latinos!
-Andrew Stellman
like diapers, politicians should be changed regularly. for the same reasons.
-Andrew Stellman
no, it's true. that's why they named it after an Egyptian city. if you delete your files, the
hand of god comes down and touches it and it goes to hell. if you call up Microsoft to
complain, they send locusts, boils and frogs, hire some guy to kill your the main
sparcstation in your office (i.e. killing your first-born Sun), and eventually the red sea
parts to let Bill Gates come to your city's Egyptian embassy and start kicking butt left and
right, muttering something about some pharoah or other.
-Andrew Stellman
not me. i like the "hand of god" approach, where a file that is deleted is immediately
obliterated as an act of divine retribution, and if you have the wherewithal to question
god's destructive power (i.e. you want your file undeleted), god smites you and you go
straight to hell. i believe this is an option in the latest Windows 7 beta.
-Andrew Stellman
Oh well, it's nothing that a few thousand dollars worth of therapy can't fix.
-Andrew Stellman
Personally, I think BASIC is superior because it has a longer name than C or LISP,
Pascal and Scheme have lower-case letters, and FORTRAN just basically sucks.
-Andrew Stellman
She might not be sixteen. She might be fifteen. Only one way to find out... Sleep with
her, then check in a few days to see if you've contracted a lawsuit.
-Andrew Stellman
he's perfect the way he is, provided he starts wearing flowered sundresses.
-Andrew Stellman
someone just taught him how to jerk off. "i can't believe it's been there all this time and
nobody ever said anything about it!!!!" rob was quoted as saying. "now i'll NEVER leave
the house."
-Andrew Stellman
sometimes i think that if john lennon hadn't been shot already, i'd do it myself.
-Andrew Stellman
stupid yuppies and computer nerds who make too much money are willing to pay a lot of
money to live someplace where the espresso bars outnumber the poor people.
-Andrew Stellman
Technically, Ozzy is the guy your parents' parents warned them about.
-Andrew Stellman
that's right, contestant number one. you're walking away with the washer-dryer set,a case
of Turtle Wax, and an authentic ancient Roman cross to crucify your loved ones. and
we'll see our returning champion next week, when we look at Bram, Pierce and Maya.
thanks for playing "Geek / Not a Geek!!!" some members of our studio audience received
copies of Propaganda, the magazine that features young boys without their shirts; the Ian
Curtis "Oh-So-Depressed" home suicide kit; and Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
-Andrew Stellman
the only problem with kittens is that eventually they get cooped up in little boxes with
unstable particles
-Andrew Stellman
the two best tools for writing code are competent subordinates and a cattle prod.
-Andrew Stellman
this looks like a wonderful account of mismanagement and incompetence on every level.
on the other hand, it's netscape, so we already knew that.
-Andrew Stellman
well, it's probably my shining personality, combined with my pleasant breath and body
odor.
-Andrew Stellman
When colleen said, "what the hell have you done to your face?" and pointed out the fine
points of subtlety, i realized that subtlety is just not a part of my personality.
-Andrew Stellman
you know, you're not the first person to ask me about my world domination plans, and to
be perfectly honest, i don't have any. i mean, it's hard enough for me to manage my own
projects, much less the world. really, just try to imagine the amount of paperwork
involved in running the world. i'm happy enough to leave that to the lawyers and the
accountants, thank you very much.
-Andrew Stellman
Computers this powerful are supposed to shut themselves down, after you've asked them
to. Turning one off with the hard switch is like lulling someone to sleep by severing their
spinal column.
-Neal Stephenson.
During this century, intellectualism failed, and everyone knows it. In places like Russia
and Germany, the common people agreed to loosen their grip on traditional folkways,
mores, and religion, and let the intellectuals run with the ball, and they screwed
everything up and turned the century into a shithole. Those wordy intellectuals used to be
merely tedious; now they seem kind of dangerous as well.
-Neal Stephenson
Technology makes it possible to have our appendices out when they get infected, so that
we are able to live long enough to get our heads out of our asses and learn about the
world.
-Neal Stephenson
To create an entirely new OS from scratch, just because none of the existing ones was
exactly right, struck me as an act of such colossal nerve that I felt compelled to support it.
-Neal Stephenson
I hope I'm not being all depressing, but that is kind of my point here.
-Bruce Sterling
In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and
you don't realize the damage until its too late.
-Bruce Sterling
In 1914, the lamps went out all over Europe. Life during the rest of the twentieth century
was like crouching under a rock.
-Bruce Sterling
It isn't written on tablets of gold that we pampered Yankee mall rats are destined to rule
the universe. There are times in life when people are required to measure up and show
some mettle. It's alarming when our Congress does dumb things and our institutions look
like they're caught all flat-footed, but you know, we don't have some extra, better
Congress stashed away in an attic; this is Washington, and this is it. We don't have an
extra American population, either; dumb, pampered, red-white-and-blue, whatever, we
are them. Adversity has its uses. We're learning a lot about ourselves by going through
this. If we can just manage to make some fresh mistakes, we may end up in some place
really interesting, better than we had, not all damp, crooked, and muddled, but clearer and
more sensible. We should hope for that, and work for that.
-Bruce Sterling
The twentieth century featured any number of -isms. They were fatally based on the
delusion that philosophy trumps engineering. It doesn't. In a world fully competent to
command its material basis, ideology is inherently flimsy. "Technology" in its broad
sense: the ability to transform resources, the speed at which new possibilities can be
opened and exploited, the multiple and various forms of command-and-control -technology, not ideology, is the twentieth century's lasting legacy. Technology broke the
gridlock of the five-decade Cold War. It made a new era thinkable. And, finally,
technology made a new era obvious.
-Bruce Sterling
These law-abiding hackers have the power, ability, and willingness to influence other
people's lives quite unpredictably. They have means, motive, and opportunity to meddle
drastically with the American social order.
-Bruce Sterling
I would not cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire.
-Nici Sterling
Contrary to the beliefs of some, I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking
solution.
-Sarah Sterling
You know you need sleep when you get into an elevator going down and it feels like
you're going up.
-Sarah Sterling
If you can't explain it, you damn well shouldn't have written the code.
-Zalman Stern
The problem with the cutting edge is that someone has to bleed.
-Zalman Stern
The world is full of bozos. Some of them have Phd's in Computer Science.
-Zalman Stern
While today's digital hardware is extremely impressive, it is clear that the human retina's
real time performance goes unchallenged. Actually to simulate 10 milliseconds of the
complete processing of even a single nerve cell from the retina would require the solution
of about 500 simultaneous nonlinear differential equations 100 times and would take at
least several minutes of time on a Cray supercomputer. Keeping in mind that there are 10
million or more such cells interacting with each other in complex ways, it would take a
minimum of 100 years of Cray time to simulate what takes place in your eye many times
each second.
-John K. Stevens, "Reverse Engineering the Brain", Byte
Man cannot live by words alone, though he is sometimes forced to eat them.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
Public confidence in the integrity of the Government is indispensable to faith in
democracy; and when we lose faith in the system, we have lost faith in everything we
fight and spend for.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
If you're watching this and you're still in the closet, you're lucky -- because I don't
understand how you can get cable in there.
-Patrick Stewart
The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
-Henry Stimson
You have some intriguing ideas. Have you considered naming yourself after a radioactive
element?
-Lewis Stiller
BUY RAM NOW! Its like candy! You can do ram for less money then you can do
CRACK! You'll be telling people, "You're on RAM!"
-Brian Stillman
I love this job. Nothing like paranoia and neurosis. Who needs a Coke habit? I've got
journalism!!
-Brian Stillman
You're stapling wings to a pig and hoping it will fly. It's hard to see how you get from
there to an F-18.
-Art Stine
If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
-Reede Stockton
I have been listening to this for a decade--about this phenomenal revolution that is going
to influence my life so deeply and change everything. Well, my life has not been deeply
influenced by it. If you want to know what's revolutionized my life, it's the birth of my
two children.
-Clifford Stoll on "the Internet revolution"
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new
one every six months.
-Clifford Stoll
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the
history of music... and of aviation.
-Tom Stoppard
Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there
should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins.
-Tom Stoppard
We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school... We can do you blood and love
without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can
do you all three concurrent or consecutive, but I can't give you love and rhetoric without
the blood. Blood is compulsory.
-Tom Stoppard
We presume the Apple legal staff is all primed and ready to descend in wrath upon the
honeymoon cottage immediately if the happy groom even attempts to 'look and feel'.
-Lon Stowell on Bill Gates's engagement
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
-Mike Stratford, "Doctor, Doctor"
No matter what their cultural underpinnings, though, most simulation games have one
thing in common: they're dull as all heck. Whether you're methodically building a fortress
to keep barbarians from pillaging your delicate sprout of a city, or a white picket fence to
keep your livestock from wandering to a neighboring farm (another tip from Nintendo:
"You need to buy only one chicken to start building your poultry empire"),
disemboweling a Shaolin boss is a lot more fun, not to mention less time consuming.
And, especially here in New York, it's just as valid a survival skill as growing vegetables.
-Bob Strauss
Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out
of tune
-Igor Stravinsky
I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have
attacked me at once.
-Guy Streeter
Damn, it hurts. It's a good pain. But it's painful.
-Jason Streitfield
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves.
-August Strindberg
Rewrite and revise. Do not be afraid to seize what you have and cut it to ribbons ... Good
writing means good revising.
-Strunk and White, Elements of Style
The survival value of human intelligence has yet to be satisfactorily demonstrated.
-Jeremy Stone, "The Andromeda Strain"
Of course moving sucks. Last time I moved (about 3 years ago) it took me 3 days just to
move down 2 flights of stairs. It should have only taken about a day and a half, but my
parents helped.
-Tom Strong
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it
blows away your whole leg.
-Bjarne Stroustrup
I am no longer living in my prime. I won't be again until I'm 107.
-Dirk Struick on his 104th birthday
Just because they built a spaceship, it doesn't mean they know about technology. It might
have been blind luck.
-Gerard Stubbs
I need to exercise. I'm not like you with your slim, lean alcohol and nicotine soaked
organs.
-Ray Stumbaugh
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
-Ray Stumbaugh
I like using the phrase "transitive closure" because it makes me feel that computer science
graduate school really was the best 10 years of my life.
-Pete Su
Beware of geeks bearing gift economies.
-Suck
If an expert marketing staff was all that was necessary to successfully bring a product to
market, we'd all be eating McRibs, watching Chevy Chase, dressing Hasidic chic, and
listening to Hootie and the Blowfish.
-Suck
If you had any doubts about what the fate of over five years of largely worthless Director
content would be, make no mistake: it's coming to the Web in its full Grandma Bear On
Quaaludes, Around-the-World in 80 Miserable Minutes, Mix-Your-Own Paris Hilton
Digizine glory.
-Suck
"Most men experience impotence at some time in their lives as a result of stress, fatigue,
or excessive alcohol consumption." Um, good thing no one here is getting any (sex, that
is). But if we were and tended to fall short of the task at hand, we'd look to the On-Line
Guide to Impotence for help. We might probe into the FAQ section for more answers:
"I've read that impotence is often 'just in a man's head.' Is that true?" Yes - thanks to the
miracle of modern science, importance AND impotence have been traced directly to a
man's "head." But how does the impotent man rise to the challenge? You guessed it - the
key is a patented potion brought to you by those philanthropists at Upjohn. Caverject: It's
name alone will turn you on. "Clinical studies prove that when used correctly, it causes
an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse in approximately 80% of men, regardless
of cause." But not firm enough to, say, prop open a door or smack a kid in the head with.
Regardless of cause. Seriously, though - we are grappling with a real pickle, and the
upshot is: "[I]f the situation persists or interferes with normal sexual activity, consult a
physician." And if you're impotent and claim that it doesn't interfere with normal sexual
activity, then run, don't walk, to the nearest, uh, shrink.
-Suck
Pity the poor slob who just wants to get something done. Set adrift in a sea of
functionality he can neither comprehend nor control -- buried in toolbars, insulted by
assistants -- he can only look at the state of the average application's user interface and
think that things can't possibly get any worse. Inevitably, he's wrong.
-Suck
"Skins" are a recent product of the hyper-democratization of code. The computer
equivalent of back-ally chin tucks, skins allow a growing number of applications to
change their looks in a growing number of ways, almost all of them bad.
-Suck
"The only guide to stylish post-feminist modem grrrl culture." If the word "stylish"
doesn't make you shudder, that clever ploy of tacking on a "post-" to one-up an entire
ideology should whisper "bull caca" in your ear.
-Suck
Unfortunately, most bitter people don't have an editor.
-Suck
Weaned on nighttime soaps and The Bonfire of the Vanities, it makes sense that new
media youngsters would try to squeeze a novel or a book out of what they do for a living.
But any book that relies solely on an employment milieu for mass appeal had better be set
in a brothel, because despite all our talk of reach-arounds and prostituting ourselves, there
is nothing inherently sexy about going to work.
-Suck
Well, the sun is out and the power is on today, that's the best we can hope for here in
California
-Sun Microsystems rep during an analyst conference call
...rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to
receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have
made our position unassailable.
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War
you don't like techno!... you don't listen to techno (sequenced music made with
computers and electronic instrumentation)... its bad for you...it all sounds exactly the
same... and scary people you don't like listen to it... they all dress the same and listen to
the same music...and for god's sake they're happy!... don't forget you're a "rivethead"
you're INDUSTRIAL! you're better than them, you go to INDUSTRIAL clubs and listen
to INDUSTRIAL music (sequenced music made with computers and electronic
instrumentation)... you're an individual... you're angry... you take yourself way to
seriously for that silly fluffy stuff! Right!?!
-Simon Sutherland
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does!
-Greg Sutter
Afterwards, we go over the dos and don'ts of campus life. You know: smoke your pot
over by the lake, keep your vomit from binge drinking off the floor, and never, ever share
files over the Internet.
-Aaron Swartz
I suppose the point is that if you want the real story, you don't go through the official
channels. You talk to the mate who has a mate who works in Cupertino. And that's
actually the way the "fact" side of the game is played (as Joe, I assume, knows from
experience), as opposed to the "hack" side, which is conducted through "the official
channels", and through junkets and launches and lunches, and pretty PR girls with
degrees from Wellesley.
-Nick Sweeney
He may be a god to you, but to us, he's another chubby engineer who needs to practice
his plasma gun skills.
-Nick Sweeney
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded
more than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the
voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character.
-Jonathan Swift
I'd like to find whoever said suffering was good for the soul and nail his eyes to a board.
-David Swim
I'm just like Hamlet! Except, well, i'm not a prince. And my uncle didn't kill my father
and marry my mother. Oh, and my girlfriend didn't drown herself in a river because I
pretended like I never loved her. And I haven't died of poison. well at least, not yet. But
the moody depression thing, I got that down COLD, jack.
-David Swim
leave me alone or i'll be fabulous at you
-David Swim
The problem with being in the top 10 percent of the human population is the other 90
percent.
-David Swim
You lead the most annoyingly pedestrian existance. Shouldn't you be watching Friends or
something?
-David Swim
There is no such thing at this date of the world's history in America as an independent
press. You know it, and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write his honest
opinion, and if you did, you know beforehand it would never appear in print. I am paid
weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper. Others of you are paid similar
salaries for similar things. and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest
opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allow my honest
opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before 24 hours, my occupation would be
gone. The business of the journalist is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to
vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon and to sell his country and his race for his daily
bread. You know it, and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press?
We are the tools and the vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks.
They pull the strings, and we dance. We are intellectual prostitutes.
-John Swinden, 1953, then head of the New York Times, when asked to toast an
independent press in a gathering at the National Press Club
Those who have never tried electronic communication may not be aware of what a
"social skill" really is. One social skill that must be learned, is that other people have
points of view that are not only different, but threatening, to your own. In turn, your
opinions may be threatening to others. There is nothing wrong with this. Your beliefs
need not be hidden behind a facade, as happens with face-to-face conversation. Not
everybody in the world is a bosom buddy, but you can still have a meaningful
conversation with them. The person who cannot do this lacks in social skills.
-Nick Szabo
Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has
thought.
-Albert Szent-Gyorgi
The brain is not an organ of thinking but an organ of survival, like claws and fangs. It is
made in such a way as to make us accept as truth that which is only advantage. It is an
exceptional, almost pathological constitution one has, if one follows thoughts logically
through, regardless of consequences. Such people make martyrs, apostles, or scientists,
and mostly end on the stake, or in a chair, electric or academic.
-Albert Szent-Gyorgi
quotes: t
But in some ways, a general ignorance of Unix seems to help drive a certain romantic
ideal -- an ideal that keeps the word "Unix" in very active circulation even outside of
geek circles. To the typical Mac end-user, Unix is mysterious, and ancient, and strong.
It's made of cast iron and the bones of heroic programmers of old. Unix is like a brawny
Soviet on a Constructivist poster, swinging his hammer for his comrades. We don't know
why it's good, but damn if our hearts aren't stirred by the weighty, solidly angular
goodness of it all.
-Table and Chair, Slashdot
Haven't you heard our motto - 'United we sort of come apart at the seams, but Welded we
stick together pretty well' ?
[email protected]
Read. Learn. Evolve.
-talk.bizarre credo
To really understand programmers you must understand artists. Artists are almost always
"whack jobs" (or at least, that's how the outside world perceives them). After all, what
kind of whacko spends a week carrying an 80-pound bag of camera gear through the high
Sierra? Ansel Adams.
-The Talking Moose
I admire your courage to bring us this news.... But as with all bearers of such news... such
blasphemy to the existence of the Jihad of DOOM, we will have to cause you severe pain
and dump multiple cores into your site through electronic mail.... Such is our anger....
Hard drives in your campus will spin faster than their allowable rate, burning out
gigabytes of your precious memory, plastic will burn, metal shall melt.... Such is our
woe..... The equipment in your very lab shall be disassmebled, as will all those who are in
the lab. No one shall escape the wrath of the humble followers of Doom..... Such is to
come.....
-Kane Tan
The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from. Furthermore, if
you do not like any of them, you can just wait for next year's model.
-Tanenbaum, "Computer Networks"
Pop quiz, hot shot: You're going to award ceremonies all year long, you keep losing to
Forrest Gump; it's really annoying the hell out of you. What do you do? You go to the
MTV awards!
-Quentin Tarantino
No no no. It's only THE road trip vehicle if I'm in it. That's not just me being conceited. I
improve gas milage and trip time.
-Tom Tarka
To some degree all movies are pretentious; the very idea that the events in our lives have
pronounced trajectories is pivotal to the story-telling process while having very little to
do with reality. It's also no leap to suggest that the impetus for creating art is ego-based.
Things have definitely gotten out of hand, though, when characters start pointlessly
gasping out loud at the writer/director's enormous willie.
-Paul Tatara
An interface is not a rave.
[email protected]
How long have you been wanting me to talk like a bot?
[email protected]
Ninety percent of good programming is resisting the temptation to be a dumb-ass.
[email protected]
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure
they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
-Elizabeth Taylor
The rest of the world views the USA the way Silicon Valley views Microsoft. Except
with tanks.
-Brad Templeton
I also find that a well-timed, properly expressed and inflected simple taunt like, oh,
"Canadian" covers a lot of ground and saves valuable time one could better spend surfing
the Net.
-Michele Tepper
I have noticed that cats are little impressed by religion.
-Sherri Tepper
In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping
them once or twice using a particularly nasty forms of trickery. He was a cunning
negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a
lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him.
-Martin Terman
The world is full of buttheads, you learn to live with them, except in California where
they tend to shoot each other on the highways...
[email protected]
Thaumaturgix was founded in New York City in 1994 by Peter Dolch, Moses Merchant,
and Yogen Sanghani; seasoned technology consultants all, with a broad range of talents
and skills. It was the first technology consulting to bring the U.S. stock exhange onto the
World Wide Web. The partners' first dictum, "don't pour coffee into the computer," still
echoes in our offices today.
-Thaumaturgix history
I never thought of sushi as a layer 2 option. Is that as opposed to "IP over carrier pigeon"
or "IP over barbed wire" or "IP over debt" (only offered by Exodus)?
-Rodney Thayer
Death is harsh and cruel... not some cute chick.
-The Maxx
I can't eat the baby, Larry, my helmet is on.
-Aaron Thies
There is nothing at all wrong with the English language, so far as I can see, but that may
only be because I cannot see ahead.
-Lewis Thomas, Late Night Thoughts on Listening to Mahler's Ninth Symphony
As your attourney I strongly advise you to tell me where you put the goddamn mescaline.
-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
I always drive properly. A bit fast, perhaps, but always with consummate skill and a
natural feel for the road that even cops recognize. No cop was ever born who isn't a
sucker for a finely-executed hi-speed Controlled Drift all the way around one of those
cloverleaf freeway interchanges.
-Hunter S. Thompson
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always
worked for me.
-Hunter S. Thompson
The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel
and shallow money trench through the heart of journalism, a long puke-stained hallway
where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs for no good reason.
-Hunter S. Thompson
We are, after all, professionals.
-Hunter S. Thompson
I know nothing.
-Ken Thompson
If you have been to Moscow during Soviet times, you will probably remember paying
almost nothing to be ignored by a waiter in a restaurant. Now you pay a fortune to be
ignored by ten waiters.
-Ken Thompson
Just think -- IBM and DEC in the same room -- and we did it. Makes you feel warm
inside.
-Ken Thompson
Maybe I should have screwed up.
-Ken Thompson
When in doubt, use brute force
-Ken Thompson
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.
-Henry David Thoreau
Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so. Aim above morality.
Be not simply good; be good for something.
Now. Or never.
Such accidents are very common in our family.
-Prince Thrakhath, Wing Commander II
There is no such thing as a functional illiterate.
-Kelvin Throop
The strong do what they will and the weak do what they must.
-Thucydides
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and
drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand
is why you human beings don't."
-James Thurber
I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick.' It is the American mind, looking for
simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he
also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and
sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.
-James Thurber
BOZO + PhD = GOD
-Chris Thyberg
Sorry for the disaster. And thanks for your patience!
-Chris Thyberg
Must...defy...laws...of...physics...
-The Tick
You wanna live? Get in the car. You wanna die? Get in the car.
-Freddy Tiffany, Double Take
A bazooka is the skeleton key of the impatient.
-Will Timmins
The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of sour taste is blandness. There is no
opposite of spam and I think I'm glad.
-Frank Tinsman
What could be better than caffeine and sugar combined in a hot liquid package? A
package of caffeine, sugar, salt and grease that's what. But until I can find a chocolatebacon-burger mocha, I'll just have to get my salt and grease elsewhere.
-Greg Titus, Omni Development
Arisitotle claimed that beyond the society of Man exists only Beasts and Gods. Which do
you choose to be?
[email protected]
They're my friends, my toys, and they have OFF switches. All these things are good.
[email protected]
An old expression suggests that when you only have a hammer, everything looks like a
nail. Excel, of course, is not a hammer. It is a Swiss Army knife. Unfortunately, all the
blades except one are broken.
-Bruce Tognazini
I must first reveal my personal bias in this discussion, since I worship at the First Church
of PDF Really Sucks.
-Bruce Tognazzini
Regardless of the source of the problem, you can detect its presence by the two great
engineering lies: 1. Your design cannot be implemented using the current technology. 2.
Your design can be implemented, and it will be in the very next release. (The third great
engineering lie is, of course, I promise to debug the code before I check it in.) Engineers
lead dull lives.
-Bruce Tognazini
You do not understand, Grasshopper. The purpose of the icons, the purpose of the entire
OS X look and feel, is to keep the customer happy during that critical period between the
time of sale and the time the check clears.
-Bruce Tognazini
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations if you live near him.
-J.R.R. Tolkien
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
-Leo Tolstoy
I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity,
can seldom accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige
them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have delighted in explaining to
colleagues, which they have proudly taught to others, and which they have woven, thread
by thread, into the fabric of their lives.
-Leo Tolstoy
The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat.
-Lily Tomlin
Standin' on the corner, in a white godfather hat. He drives a long, black, gangster
Cadillac. He can steal a broad's mind, man, in three or four minutes. It's not how long you
talk, brother, it's what you put in it.
-Too Short, "Shorty the Pimp"
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so
loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In
order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place around your waist.
-Frank Topar
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of
some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
WILL kill you.
-Frank Topar
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other
issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."
-Frank Topar
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get
her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are
only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of
these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I
checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the
rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood
burning set was probably a better alternative.
-Frank Topar
If Bush wins, we will have a Commander-in-Thief.
-Denise Topaz
I am Pentium of Borg. Arithmetic is irrelevant. Prepare to be approximated.
-Andrew Toppan
All the technology that people were so hot on started in basements and garages. There
still will be crazy people in their basements trying to change the world, and some of them
will even do it.
-Linus Torvalds
Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow
-Linus Torvalds
I think my "plan" says something like "World domination. Fast." But we'll see.
-Linus Torvalds
If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places,
just write a Unix operating system.
-Linus Torvalds
Technical people are better off not looking at patents. If you don't know what they cover
and where they are, you won't be knowingly infringing on them. If somebody sues you,
you change the algorithm or you just hire a hit-man to whack the stupid git.
-Linus Torvalds
The more I see of it, the more I get the feeling that I'd have multiple ulcers within
minutes of getting involved in the business side. It's kind of like watching giraffes
making love on the Discovery Channel. You definitely don't want to get involved, but it's
kind of fascinating to follow.
-Linus Torvalds
Too bad if 90 percent of it is stupid. That's how creativity works.
-Linus Torvalds
World domination. Fast... and scantily clad females, of course. Who cares if it's below
zero outside.
-Linus Torvalds
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time
for tobacco since.
-Arturo Toscanini
The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the
public with the public's money
-Alexis de Toucqueville
Phoebe Sengers is either the most wickedly skilled baiter of OpBB/Discussion readers
I've ever seen, or a complete fruitcake. I can't figure out which.
-David S. Touretzky
... so, given that the brain is built out of really crummy hardware, I mean, worse than the
stuff you buy at Radio Shack ...
-David S. Touretzky
Unix encourages, by egregious example, the most irresponsible programming style
imaginable. No error checking. No error messages. No conscience. If a student here
turned in code like that, I'd flunk his ass.
-David S. Touretzky
I started to see people as little lonesome, water based, pink meat, life forms pushing air
through themselves and making noises that the other little pieces of meat seemed to
understand...I don't think I was 'mad', I was just confused.
-Devin Townsend
I don't read novels. I prefer good literary criticism. That way you get both the novelists'
ideas as well as the critics' thinking. With fiction I can never forget that none of it really
happened, that it's all just made up by the author.
-Tom Townsend, Metropolitan
But you may find that blood is not enough.
-Pete Townshend
Janning, to be sure, is a tragic figure. We believe he loathed the evil he did. But
compassion for the present torture of his soul must not beget forgetfulness of the torture
and death of millions by the government of which he was a part. Janning's record and his
fate illuminate the most shattering truth that has emerged from this trial. If he and the
other defendants were all depraved perverts - if the leaders of the Third Reich were
sadistic monsters and maniacs - these events would have no more moral significance than
an earthquake or other natural catastrophes. But this trial has shown that under the stress
of a national crisis, men - even able and extraordinary men - can delude themselves into
the commission of crimes and atrocities so vast and heinous as to stagger the imagination.
No one who has sat through this trial can ever forget. The sterilization of men because of
their political beliefs... The murder of children... How easily that can happen. There are
those in our country today, too, who speak of the protection of the country. Of survival.
The answer to that is: survival as what? A country isn't a rock. And it isn't an extension of
one's self. It's what it stands for, when standing for something is the most difficult. Before
the people of the world - let it now be noted in our decision here that this is what we
stand for: justice, truth... and the value of a single human being.
-Spencer Tracy as Judge Dan Haywood in Judgment at Nuremberg
As you cruise the information highway, do not be afraid of the strange men you see
walking on the shoulders, muttering to themselves. They work for us.
-Tony Tribby
nothing but angry, angsty industrial music ..."rrraarrr!"... GEETARS ..."unnggghh!"...
DISTORTED VOCALS...."ich ich ich"..LYRICS IN GERMAN
-Tony Tribby
Think of all the things you wish you could be doing. Make a list of the reasons why
you're not doing them. Cross off all the reasons that are really just excuses. Now ask
yourself what's _really_ stopping you...
-Tony Tribby
Well, after our 1-week hiatus, we're back tonight with our usual mix of cutting-edge
electronic music and wonky suburban restaurant decor.
-Tony Tribby
While I can now say that it _is_ true that you can catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar (actually didn't catch _any_ with vinegar, but I only decided at the last minute to
try it), I am here to tell you that you can catch _a lot_ of flies, _very quickly_, with a
high-powered vacuum cleaner.
-Tony Tribby
...the detailed discussions American presidential candidates engage in about programs are
virtually meaningless. Partly because of the separation of powers, the new President
almost never signs into law the progams he promised. When you look at it that way, the
only really important thing about George W. Bush's Social Security plan was that he
didn't seem to understand it.
-Calvin Trillin
Is that so? Well let me tell you what I believe: I believe that if you don't get off the
keyboard and start using the mouse, you'll always play like a little girl!
-Trinity, cr0bar's The Matrix
"Neo, this isn't going to work. Guns don't kill people, people kill people." "No, Trinity.
Guns don't kill people, I kill people."
-Trinity and Neo, cr0bar's The Matrix
Live long and prosper. If anything goes wrong, nuke the whole site from orbit. It's the
only way to be sure.
-Ryan Troll
Wow. I think reading unhinged is more educational than going to class.
-Ryan Troll
There is a limit to the practical application of democratic methods. You can inquire of all
the passengers as to what type of car they like to ride in, but it is impossible to question
them as to whether to apply the brakes when the train is at full speed and an accident
threatens.
-Leon Trotsky
Is an existentialist something to eat?
-Brian Trotter
Mt. Dew good, yellow snow bad!
-Brian Trotter
Well adjusted: being able to make the same mistake over and over and over and over
without getting upset.
-Brian Trotter
... an OS originally designed for a microprocessor that modern kitchen appliances would
sneer at....
-Dave Trowbridge on MS-DOS
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-Harry S. Truman
The Reform Party now includes a Klansman, Mr. Duke, a neo-Nazi, Mr. Buchanan, and a
communist, Ms. Fulani. This is not company I wish to keep.
-Donald Trump
no one can accept without question the philosophical positions of anyone (no matter how
dear otherwise) who has fed you stained creamed beets from a jar of Gerbers, and
expected you to like it.
-Michael Tucker
A friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you in spite of it.
-Mark Twain
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
-Mark Twain
Better to let people think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
-Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-Mark Twain
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the mastery of fear.
-Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was
here first.
-Mark Twain
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
-Mark Twain
During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they
should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after doing its duty in but a lazy and
indolent way for 800 years, gathered up its halters, thumbscrews, and firebrands, and set
about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries
and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and
washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there
was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh
or to cry.
-Mark Twain
Each place has its own advantages - Heaven for the climate and Hell for society.
-Mark Twain
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please
-Mark Twain
Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might feel proud to call his own, but I wish to
sell out. I have sported that kind of jewelry long enough.
-Mark Twain
How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the
person involved.
-Mark Twain
I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.
-Mark Twain
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly
and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-Mark Twain
If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.
-Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the
principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.
-Mark Twain
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons
attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it
will be shot.
-Mark Twain, _The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn_
Profanity often lends itself to contentment not found even at prayer.
-Mark Twain
Reader, imagine you were an idiot. And imagine you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself.
-Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-Mark Twain
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than
by the ones you did do.
-Mark Twain
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-Mark Twain
quotes: u
It's like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls,
except the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-Marc Unangst
Look, you granola-munching earth-shoe-wearing liberal FREAK, it has everything to do
with California.
-Marc Unangst
Current American thought has its underpinnings in the past 30 years of bad TV.
-Gabe Underwood
Handcrafted with pride in the United States by non-exploited, entrepreneur- type
craftspeople who ride their bikes a lot
-Gabe Underwood
I'm one of those anti-social computer people. If they can't send me email, well, you
know...
-Gabe Underwood, on women
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
-Chris Unger
Bad designs will yield bad results, even if improved mechanisms were to insure that they
are efficiently achieved.
-United Nations Association, "Words to Deeds: Strengthening the U.N.'s
Enforcement Capabilities"
Unix has been feverishly evolving for over 20 years, sort of like bacteria in a cesspool,
only less attractive.
-from Unix For Dummies
Unix doesn't have a philosophy, it has an attitude.
-from The Unix-Hater's Handbook
The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in
some sense, kidding.
-John Updike
Got your resume polished? Well, print it out and send it on cow-spotted paper to Gateway
2000, now that President and COO Richard Snyder has left the land of milk and honey to
head up a new venture fund in Massachusetts. Picture yourself with the hilarious Ted
Waitt exchanging side-splitting lactose-intolerance jokes, while your competitors drop
their PC prices every 15 minutes.
-Upside
We lie to you by not telling you things. We don't lie by telling you things that aren't true.
-U.S. official to Wash. Post
Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is the heroin of
operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction, the Mac is ecstacy and MS
Windows is sniffing glue. You now owe the Oracle a twelve step program.
-the Usenet Oracle
quotes: v
One must not confuse John Donne's famous quote 'No man is an Island' with New York
Telephone's 'We're all connected'
-Theodore Vaida's father
Well, I've been getting between 3 and 5 hours of sleep a night for slightly over a week,
and it's going to catch up with me eventually -- I figure, in about 20 minutes.
-Pomona Valero
It was a typical network exercise -- a screaming mob pounding on a greasy spot on the
pavement, where there used to be the carcass of a dead horse.
-Mike Van Pelt
The opinions expressed herein are those of absolutely everyone at National Instruments:
the management, staff, stockholders, their spouses, children, dogs, and cats. In fact,
everyone in Austin also agrees. No, make that Texas.
-Henry B. Velick
No job too big; no fee too big!
-Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
You're going to shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?
-Verbal Kint, "The Usual Suspects"
Taco Bell: Food cheaper than gum.
-Carrie Vestal
As a teenager, I want better labeling of content so I can tell at a glance while scanning
DirecTV's film listings which shows contain nudity, which contain wanton violence, and
which are just pansy-ass dramas.
-Evan Vetere
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
-Gore Vidal
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
-Gore Vidal
The corporate grip on opinion in the United States is one of the wonders of the Western
world. No first world country has ever managed to eliminate so entirely from its media all
objectivity -- much less dissent.
-Gore Vidal
Right now the Internet gives an awfully good imitation of providing superhuman
intelligence capability, both in terms of the total hardware that is out there and the fact
that the Net has all these human-equivalent peripheral devices called users that can be
appropriated in a distributed way to attack problems.
-Vernor Vinge
Fortune favors the bold.
-Virgil
This suffering will yield us yet a pleasant tale to tell.
-Virgil
Right. This calls for a special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
-Vivian, "The Young Ones"
A witty saying proves nothing.
-Voltaire
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one.
-Voltaire
I may despise what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
-Voltaire
Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed from
one another. The instruction we find in books is like fire. We fetch it from our neighbors,
kindle it at home, communicate it to others, and it becomes the property of all.
-Voltaire
The infinitely little have a pride infinitely great.
-Voltaire
You will notice that in all disputes between Christians since the birth of the Church,
Rome has always favored the doctrine which most completely subjugated the human
mind and annihilated reason.
-Voltaire
I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.
-Wernher von Braun
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be
mass produced with unskilled labor.
-Wernher von Braun
Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has
taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our
spiritual existence after death.
-Werner Von Braun
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-Wernher von Braun
Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping
otherwise.
-Kurt Vonnegut
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no
wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without
having come by their ignorance the hard way.
-Kurt Vonnegut
I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people
who cry a lot.
-Bob Van Voris
I'm too gothic for my skirt. Too gothic for my skirt. So gothic it hurts.
-Voron
quotes: w
I think you should know I worry a lot. Like I worry about the Nobel sperm bank.
Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading
pornography and jerking off.
-Jane Wagner
Sex is just the sublimation of the math urge.
-David Wald
Anyway, there's plenty of room for doubt. It might seem easy enough, but computer
language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is.
-Larry Wall
Artificial intelligences make mistakes too, only faster.
-Larry Wall
Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is paved with melting
snowballs.
-Larry Wall
If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are going to start
thinking you're from New York.
-Larry Wall
In general, they do what you want, unless you want consistency.
-Larry Wall
Tactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons several
minutes ago. We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes. (By the way, do you have change
for 10 million people?)
-Larry Wall
Unix is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to pay another nickel. But
hey! You only feel 5 cents poorer each time.
-Larry Wall
Well, enough clowning around. Perl is, in intent, a cleaned up and summarized version of
that wonderful semi-natural language known as "Unix".
-Larry Wall
Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against?
-Larry Wall
Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now,
it's the second largest army in Iraq.
-Wall Street Journal, March 15, 1991
The later models can pack nearly half a pound of dynamite, enough to blow off the better
part of a leg. A fair number of the mines have been washed away by rain or set off over
the years by wild boar and deer -- the noise of exploding wildlife is a well-known
neighborhood sound for Germans living near the former border.
-The Wall Street Journal, 4/14/93
The point here is that the protagonists' attempts to revise the "script" of history in "T2"
parallel the director's having to muck around with "T2"'s own script in order for
Schwarzenegger to be in the movie. Multivalent ironies like this -- which require that
film audiences know all kinds of behind-the-scenes stuff from watching Entertainment
Tonight and reading Premiere magazine -- are not commercial postmodernism at its
finest.
-David Foster Wallace
Alright, dammit. What song is this from? I mean - I know it's a Depeche Mode tune, but
who covered it most recently?. Oooooo! Nevermind! It's that Trent Reznor guy from
Nine Foot Railroad Ties or something, isn't it?
-Mike "Moose" Wallace
Awright - don't MAKE me whip out a bottle of Stoli, angst boy...
-Mike Wallace
Hey now - don't get to thinking you're the only socially inept loser we have. You just
happen to have passed the bar first, rat boy.
-Mike Wallace
However, you must be aware of the following procedures ... otherwise you could find
yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of Hotel Smackdown.
-Mike Wallace
I had a splitting headache, and Chris had to lead me around by the hand to liquor stores.
-Mike Wallace
I just used an emoticon, I feel so unclean...
-Mike Wallace
I'll supply the buns (mine and otherwise) and enough angst for 20. If there's call for any
more, talk to Vince. He should be able to take up the slack.
-Mike Wallace
In a word, Vodka. In a few more, Amaretto, Rum, Gin.
-Mike Wallace
It's an electro-industrial band - they're playing tonight. $5. That's $29.95 too much.
-Mike Wallace
It's the urinal cakes - I swear to god. Try one.
-Mike Wallace
Stick this in your pope hat and smite it!
-Mike Wallace
Sure - long as it's entertaining and cheap. On that note - I suspect I'll spend the evening
coding with kate.
-Mike Wallace
That may well be, but our socially inept losers have hot wives and can pass the bar on
their first try.
-Mike Wallace
The correct solution to a problem like this is to call my ass.
-Mike Wallace
The glide point bloweth mine arse! Thinkpad nipples gooooood!
-Mike Wallace
This is just like spin-the-bottle ... only freakishly wrong.
-Mike Wallace
Ultimately, communism cannot be, by definition, imposed by the state. Evidently, only
Gene Roddenberry can pull it off, God Rest His Ass.
-Mike Wallace
We'll be right there. By which I mean "Come over. We still have party drinks."
-Mike Wallace
Welcome to civilization-- get away from me!
-Mike Wallace
You couldn't ruthless your way out of a food fight, you wuss.
-Mike Wallace
There is little sense in worrying about winds and storms, for these things come and go of
there own accord. Worry instead about your ship and crew, your supplies and sails, for
over them alone have you command. Always remember that hard work is the hull of your
ship, and careful planning the rigging that supports your sails. Curse not the Gods when
your hopes and dreams seem certain to be crushed upon the rocks of reality. For it was
you alone who charted the course, and you alone who must keep your dreams afloat.
-William Wallace
Politicians write history. It's too bad they don't read it, too.
-John H. Waller, Beyond the Khyber Pass: The Road to British Disaster in the First
Afghan War"
This Inauguration was special much in the way that some olympics are special. It doesn't
matter whether Georgie wrote that speech or even understood it. What does matter is that
he participated. He did his best, and for that he deserves a medal and a big hug.
-Nancy Walls
This world is a comedy for those who think but a tragedy for those who feel.
-Horace Walpole
The history of African-Americans during the past 400 years is traditionally narrated as an
ongoing struggle against oppression and indifference on the part of the American
mainstream, a struggle charted as an upward arc progressing toward ever more justice
and opportunity. This description is accurate, but there is another, equally true way of
narrating that history, and its implications are as frightening for the country as a whole as
they are for blacks as a group. The history of African-Americans since the discovery of
the New World is the story of their encounter with technology, an encounter that has
proved perhaps irremediably devastating to their hopes, dreams, and possibilities.
-Anthony Walton
...this is a dark and terrible era where you will find little comfort or hope. If you want to
take part in the adventure then prepare yourself now. Forget the power of technology,
science and common humanity. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for
there is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter and the
laughter of thirsting gods.
-Warhammer 40,000 promotional copy
Art is what you can get away with.
-Andy Warhol
Artists make things for people they don't really need.
-Andy Warhol
If men are going to destroy the planet Earth and all its inhabitants with violence and wars,
all men should be killed, to preserve the rest of human kind.
-Betsy Warrior
The United States is in no sense founded upon the Christian doctrine.
-George Washington
To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace.
-George Washington
AOL really pushes that bozo theme to the limit, though.
-The Washington Post
...six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-The Washington Post Magazine
WARNING: This page designed by programmers. According to our staff artists, viewing
this page may be hazardous to your aesthetic health.
-Disclaimer at www.watervalley.net
A note on foreign shipments: canadian orders get an additional $3.00 tacked on to
shipping, the rest of the world gets an additional $10.00 -- mostly because they're not as
good at hockey and lacrosse.
-Shipping term on www.copyleft.net
In a cruel and evil world, being cynical can allow you to get some entertainment out of it.
-Daniel Waters
UNIX developers design hard-to-use systems because they've only experienced hard-touse sytems -- it's like child abuse.
-Ed Watkeys
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing, in contrast to the popular
conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of
scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.
-James Watson
You've got to try and be with people who are brighter than yourself, you've got to be
prepared sometimes to do things that people say you are not qualified to do, and since
you know you are going to get in trouble, you ought to have someone to save you after
you are in deep shit, so you better always have someone who believes in you.
-James Watson
Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic
depression.
-Faye Wattleton
A friend is one who would help you move. A best friend is one who would help you
move a body.
-Jeff Wayman
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the
things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they
pissed me off.
-Jeff Wayman
Mixing women and alcohol is best done with a blender.
-Weave, #gothic
An infinte number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite
number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works
of litareture - in braille.
-Stephen Webb
Don't make me make you hurt me.
-Keith Weber
I'm so insecure, I've put child safety seats on all my mood swings.
[email protected]
Relative calm is expected in South Central Los Angeles for the next several weeks, as the
looters stay home and try to program their new VCRs.
-Weekend Update
Despite what you might think, we don't just sit around mooning the hall monitor all day.
Lots of people assume that a day at Computer Camp is a never-ending cavalcade of net
games and bare buttocks, but there's a great deal of real work involved as well. There's a
price to pay for all this glamour.
[email protected]
Did you know that Erwin Rommel earned the nickname "Desert Fox" after numerous
officers saw him prancing naked across the African desert after dark with a dead chicken
in his mouth? Don't believe that "brilliant tactician" horse puckey for a second.
[email protected]
It's not really possible to "like" Taco Bell, because Taco Bell isn't really a choice.
Sometimes you just need to eat a mystery meat burrito at two in the morning, just like
sometimes you simply need to travel to Philadelphia. Life is funny that way.
[email protected]
My latest idea is for a beat-em-up game in the Mortal Wombat vein called Friedrich
Nietzsche's Art Of Fighting. The player basically has two kinds of attacks: the first attack
will actually increase your opponent's health bar, while the second will kill the opponent
instantly no matter how strong he or she is. Thus, whatever doesn't kill you makes you
stronger, in every possible sense. I'm sure there's a market for it.
[email protected]
Nobody likes a smartass. Unless you happen to be me, in which case you are adored by
millions. Fifty Million Webmaster Fans Can't Be Wrong.
[email protected]
Right now IBM is running all these commercials focusing on these generally clueless
businesspeople who just sit around surfing the web instead of working. Kinda funny
when you think about it. Next time anyone asks me why OS/2 didn't catch on, I'll point
them to IBM.
[email protected]
There's a time-worn adage about good things coming to those who wait, and another
hoary old chestnut about Rome taking a long time to build, and another one about never
judging a software company until you have walked a mile in their moccasins and coded a
3D engine with real terrain, real physics, and nut-crushing lightning effects. So cut us a
little slack, jack.
[email protected]
I'm the kind of person with a nerf gun who'll shoot you in the crotch if you cause me any
problems
-Sam Weiler
The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a
little above the level of farce and gives it some of the grace of tragedy.
-Steven Weinberg
Any machine constructed for the purpose of making decisions, if it does not possess the
power or learning, will be completely literal-minded. Woe to us if we let it decide our
conduct, unless we have previously examined the laws of its action, and know fully that
its conduct will be carried out on principles acceptable to us! On the other hand, the
machine... which can learn and can make decisions on the basis of its learning, will in no
way be obliged to make such decisions as we should have made, or will be acceptable to
us. For the man who is not aware of this, to throw the problem of his responsibility on the
machine, whether it can learn or not, is to cast his responsibility to the winds, and to find
it coming back seated on the whirlwind. I have spoken of machines, but not only of
machines having brains of brass and thews of iron. When human atoms are knit into an
organization in which they are used, not in their full right as responsible human beings,
but as cogs and levers and rods, it matters little that their raw material is flesh and blood.
What is used as an element in a machine, is in fact an element in a machine. Whether we
entrust our decisions to machines of metal, or to those machines of flesh and blood which
are bureaus, and vast laboratories and armies and corporations, we shall never receive the
right answers to our questions unless we ask the right questions... The hour is very late
and the choice of good and evil knocks at our door.
-Norbert Weiner, The Human Use of Human Beings
You should never stand in love's way, especially if love is driving a bus.
-R. M. Weiner
To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
-David Weingart
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was
still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better.
-Dave Weinstein
Never be fatalistic about the inevitability of nuclear war or the destruction of our
environment. There are _ways_ to avoid the holocaust and to make the world a cleaner
place. We must never cease to search for them.
-Victor F. Weisskopf
Miracles sometimes occur, but one has to work terribly hard for them.
-Chaim Weizmann
Don't pay attention to a word the press says. Wrap yesterday's fish in whatever they say
tomorrow.
-Jack Welch
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
-H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
There is no difference between Time and any of the three dimensions of Space, except
that our consciousness moves along it.
-H. G. Wells
My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for visual effects, and I have two of them.
-Raquel Welch, presenting the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects
mechanical engineers build weapons. civil engineers build targets.
-Wendigo
Something's wrong with my monitor settings. This background looks like an Andy
Warhol painting.
-Jeremy Werner
We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
-Wesley, "the Princess Bride"
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
-Mae West
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
-Mae West
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that
people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a
doormat.
-Rebecca West
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
-Western Union memo, 1877
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
-U.S. General William Westmoreland
I am fine, really... See, I can still remember my password...
-Alex Wetmore
If this post isn't the poster-child for karma whoring, I don't know what is.
-Wil Wheaton on Slashdot
Meeting chicks? Dude. I was 13. If you'd have put a naked girl and a 720 degrees set to
free play in front of me, I would have said, "Skate or Die!" as I pushed her aside.
-Wil Wheaton
So I'm back from outerspace, and I just came in to find you here with that sad look upon
your face. I changed my stupid IP, I even changed my URL. The only thing left to do is
put up pics of naked girls!!
-Wil Wheaton
If you like caffeine and can't stand coffee, drink Mountain Dew. If you drink a case of the
stuff within a short amount of time, you can't blink. It's really cool.
-David Paul White
No two countries with a MacDonald's Restaurant have ever gone to war with one another.
-Matthew White
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone
else do it wrong without comment.
-Theodore H. White
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-Alfred North Whitehead
There are no whole truths; all truths are half-truths. It is trying to treat them as whole
truths that plays the devil.
-Alfred North Whitehead
Wake up Harry, you're having a very important nightmare.
-Gavin Whitehope, Wild Palms
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
-Katharine Whitehorn
If the shoe were on the other foot, Microsoft would have left it in and called it a feature.
-Derren Whiteman
The authors take no credit for hurt feelings or crushed egos, and that being said, all death
threats will be laughed at. In other words, it's a story. You bring your lawyers, we'll bring
our automatic weapons, it'll be a party.
-Wide Open Spaces disclaimer
Overall, however, the adaptation falls flat, lacking the true grit of its characters, lacking,
in fact, in both the Fear and Loathing Departments.
-Brad Wieners reviewing the radio adaptation of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
-Alfred E. Wiggam
Men were made big, and small. Samuel Colt made them all equal. Now, Gaston Glock
has made some better than others.
-Dave Wiggins
Please refrain from touching that extremely cool piece of equipment.
-Dave Wiggins
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is
looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
-Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
-Oscar Wilde
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to change it every six months.
-Oscar Wilde
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
-Oscar Wilde
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and
humiliating reality.
-Oscar Wilde
The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and
literature is not read.
-Oscar Wilde
The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.
-Oscar Wilde
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
-Oscar Wilde
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly
written.
-Oscar Wilde
To do nothing is the most difficult thing in the world -- the most difficult and the most
intellectual.
-Oscar WildeFootball is a mistake. It combines two of the worst things about American life. It is
violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-George Will
happiness is not a condition that is produced or stands on its own; rather, it is a frame of
mind that accompanies an activity. But another frame of mind comes first. It is a steely
determination to do well.
-George Will
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. It
conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of
the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles
beginning with the word "National".
-George Will
Could you turn the light down from 'Inquisition' to 'mellow?'
-Andrew Williams
I thought they weren't gonna let me in, cuz i'm not dressed dumb.
-Andrew Williams
I thought it was called 'all fat chicks on the dance floor'.
-Andrew Williams
Why can't we just shoot him in the head. Can we do that? Just shoot him, right in the
head. God help me...
-Mark Williams
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
-Robin Williams
Don't confuse arrogance with chronic correctness.
-Steve Williams
It's been a horrible year for Disney. I'm all for gentlemanly fair play. I enjoy a nice
sporting match. But it's time to kick Disney when they're down. Why? Because when
they get back up, it will be buying the Social Security system and using new revenues to
pipe the lyrics to "Be Our Guest" subliminally from low Earth-orbiting satellites. They'll
turn into a lobotomized Angela Lansbury in her younger years, and animatronic
bluegrass-loving bears will run the DMV.
-Tish Williams, Upside
If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream and never be our
destiny.
-Rene de Visme Williamson
As for the larger question of whether our books are suitable for learning how to program:
I was first going to contradict what 'the publisher' said in his article, but then I noticed
that he was quoting me. I quickly changed my strategy.
-Frank Willison
You know what I hate? It's all the 'My' stuff these days. MySpace, MyProfile,
MyNotifications, MyContacts (I lose them all the time), MyWallet, MyUsage. . . Please!
I'm not a three year-old or a Jack Russell Terrier. I'm not mesmerized by the first person
singular possessive pronoun. I know that it's not really mine; Microsoft has it and charges
me to use it. I'm old-fashioned; I keep MyWallet in MyPants, next to MyAss. And guess
what you can do?
-Frank Willison
HEY NOW!!!! YOU'RE MAKING ME WRITE IN ALL CAPS.
-Kristiina Wilson
... i found myself making pissy comments about all their pissy comments. it was pretty
dumb.
-Kristiina Wilson
I HEART CHEAP IRONY
-Kristiina Wilson
i think what modern art needs to do next is staple marilyn manson to a wall. shock value
PLUS the crucifixion cliche!
-Kristiina Wilson
i think you should rework that statement. a much more useful version is: "From now on,
anyone gets smacked."
-Kristiina Wilson
If you go to school with 1,500 kids in cheap chinos and brew-thru tshirts, 50% of them
wear baseball caps and %75 percent like emmet swimming while %23 prefer pearl jam,
how many people do you know that totally suck? Also, if %97 of the girls squeal a LOT
and talk about beer, how many do you kill?
-Kristiina Wilson
In the interest of obnoxiousness, and also so that people who don't know me personally
won't recognize me on the street, these images are all one of 3 things: stupid, old or
embarassing. Because we all know i never act or look that way anymore. Yeah.
-Kristiina Wilson
I'm Marilyn Mansonite Zero! I'm SSOOOSOo energetically moody.
-Kristiina Wilson
i'm not sure when my feelings towards design turned from interest to hate. oh no wait! I
guess that would be when i SOLD OUT.
-Kristiina Wilson
join the club, learn the handshake, shoot yourself.
-Kristiina Wilson
Look! A GothiKKKKKKKK Wanker!
-Kristiina Wilson
on a side note, i seem to have finally gotten over my "stupid men" phase. this probably
means i'll go back into my "nun" phase or my "angst" phase or perhaps just stay here
stuck in my annoying "quotes" phase.
-Kristiina Wilson
i love how i always inform people of that, like it's some BIG HONOR that requires
notification. "Look! I have validated not only your witty speech patterns, but also your
existance! ON THE WEB!"
-Kristiina Wilson
SO, U WANT TO BE AN ARTIST? OR JUST ACT LIKE ONE? WELL NOW U CAN!
4 ONLY $75, U 2 CAN SPEND A WEEK IN THE DESERT, ROUGHING IT WITH
OTHER 'CREATIVES' AND MAKING 'CONCEPT PIECES' ON THE INTERNET!
DON'T FORGET TO PACK YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUR WILLINGNESS TO PAY
FOR FAKE INSPIRATION AND COMMUNITY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,
YOUR IGNORANCE!
-Kristiina Wilson
Speaking of Marilyn Manson, there are no spooky kids here. What there are instead are
millions of mosquitos. They try to suck your blood, but at least they don't try to do it
while going to the Bank wearing capes and fangs and K-RAD plastic pants.
-Kristiina Wilson
when i was a freshman here i dated this horrible guy who used to wear ruffly shirts like
that, becuase he was SUPERGOTH. he turned out to just be a big wanker. which is really
the same thing.
-Kristiina Wilson
wow - that's an impressive headache. it causes pain AND sounds like a bad art film. oh
no wait, those are the same thing.
-Kristiina Wilson
wow - they're, like, BURNING their art! how cool! how anti-establishment! how
esoteric! watch them as they cut the edge!
-Kristiina Wilson
There's a fine line between glamor and trash, and I don't care if I cross it as long as I'm
drenched in fake fur.
--Mehitobel Wilson
Your professor was a bozo. Unless he was somebody important, of course :-)
-Paul Wilson
Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and
conveys much. It pleases him who receives, and thus, like mercy, is twice blessed.
-Erastus Wiman
Anyone who is serious about making good 3D cards ensures that their names have an odd
mix of capital and lower case letters: 3Dfx, nVidia and even lowly ATi nowadays.
-wincent.org editorial
Another person who's smarter than I. What a relief to not have to be the smartest guy
anymore.
-Dave Winer
Art and money are closely related. Try sitting down with a group of artists and ask them
what's on their mind. Very quickly the topic shifts to money. And it can be very hard to
get them off that subject.
-Dave Winer
Christmas parties for the last few years have been all about, "Oh, we're about to do our
IPO" or "Oh, the greatest thing is, we're pre-IPO." That's wishful thinking. Maybe they've
never heard of Murphy's law.
-Dave Winer
I don't want to say these things. That's why I'm saying them. You may not want to hear
them. That's why you should hear them.
-Dave Winer
I was once quoted in Upside, saying that General Magic's MagicCap OS was like a
waitress who made her personality the issue instead of the food. The metaphor was
actually a bit more colorful.
-Dave Winer
I looked up 'standard' in the dictionary. There are eleven different definitions.
-Dave Winer
If you say Java one more time, I'm going to puke.
-Dave Winer
Note that no one asked Mike if his code was open source or if his underwear is clean.
-Dave Winer
OK, he's a Yankees fan. Now I know another reason not to like him.
-Dave Winer
One thing's for sure, in the war between freedom and fear, our side is going to have the
cool t-shirts.
-Dave Winer
Over the weekend I exchanged email with a Unix guy who chastised me for being
"insular" and proposed to tell me how to speak to Unix people with proper humility.
Well, I only pray to one God in relation to computers, and His name is Murphy
-Dave Winer
The infrastructure of the US is a long-term suspension of disbelief that such things won't
be exploded deliberately by people who don't create anything.
-Dave Winer
The NY Times editorial page is still name-calling and dividing, a sure formula for
continuing agony. A ton of unnecessary conjecture, when the reason for impeachment is
now obvious. Clinton was blowing off the Republicans, and they decided to blow him
away. Now that everyone has acknowledged each other's power to blow in one way or
another, the NY Times editorial page, which is a worldwide opinion leader, should get a
clue.
-Dave Winer
You guys love us. But when Microsoft comes along and offers weblogging tools, you
will use them, and will be happy, but will find an element of sadness underneath the
satisfaction. You will remember how good we were, but that won't matter. You'll
remember how we believed in the Web, as you do, and didn't try to change your content
or force your readers to use Passport, or try to kill your favorite platform vendor, or how
we supported choice in tools, instead of trying to lock you in to our way of doing things.
You'll use the tools that everyone else uses, because you accept that you are slaves to The
Machine. You'll wish it weren't so, but that's just the way it is.
-Dave Winer
...the true artist is always rich. I have no patience with those who toil away in squalor,
claiming to develop new art forms. The experimental novel is a waste of public funds,
and I'm sure Noah would agree with me.
-Jeanette Winterson, Boating for Beginners
We were so happy those wet carefree nights. I felt we were like Dr. Watson and Sherlock
Holmes. I knew my place. And then Catherine said she was leaving. She didn't want to do
it but she felt that a writer doesn't make a good companion. 'It's only a matter of time,' she
said, 'before I become an alcoholic and forget how to cook.' I suggested we wait and try
to ride it out. She shook her head sadly and patted me. 'Get a dog.'
-Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
Increasingly, people seem to misinterpret complexity as sophistication, which is baffling
-- the incomprehensible should cause suspicion rather than admiration. Possibly this trend
results from a mistaken belief that using a somewhat mysterious device confers an aura of
power on the user.
-Niklaus Wirth
Hi, I'm new to this group and was reading about cyberpunk. I was wondering if there is a
version out for the macintosh??? If so could someone please let me know, and tell me
what is required to run it.
-Michael A. Wisniewski Jr.
Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you have said it, cease.
-Witherspoon
All right, this is the plan. We'll get in there and get wrecked. Then we'll eat a pork pie.
Then we'll go home and drop a couple of Surmontil 50's each. That means we'll miss out
on Monday, but come up smiling on Tuesday morning.... Nothing ever happens on
Mondays. I hate bastard Mondays.
-Withnail, Withnail and I, Bruce Robinson
Mathematics is a logical method ... Mathematical propositions express no thoughts. In
life it is never a mathematical proposition which we need, but we use mathematical
propositions only in order to infer from propositions which do not belong to mathematics
to others which equally do not belong to mathematics.
-Ludwig Wittgenstein
Philosophers are often like small children who scribble random marks on paper and then
ask an adult, "What is this?"
The riddle does not exist. If a question can be put at all, then it can also be answered.
There can never be surprises in logic.
A certain critic made the nasty remark about my last novel that it contained 'all the old
Wodehouse characters under different names'. He's probably by now been eaten by bears,
like the children who mocked the prophet Elisha: but if he still survives he won't be able
to make a similar charge against "Summer Lightning." This time, I have outgeneralled
him by putting in all the old Wodehouse characters under the same names. Ha hah ha!
-P. G. Wodehouse
I'm the misfit of the group, and I think they need me like a beauty pageant needs a wet
turd.
-Jordan Wolbrum
To truly appreciate the dramatic arc of the story of Louis and Wired, you have to
understand that he was nobody. He had no experience, no credentials, no credibility, no
connections. He was 42 years old when he launched Wired, and he had never
accomplished anything that an accomplished person would take seriously. Not to mention
that his idea for a magazine, if you analyzed it in any businesslike way, was bad.
-Michael Wolff
Selections from THE GEORGE BUSH HAIKU COMPETITION: Bush goes to Japan;
Loses tennis, lunch and face; Winter of vomit
[email protected]
Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out.
-Thomas Cardinal Wolsey
I'm Network Spice.
-Cameo Wood
Wow! So tell me, how does a functional illiterate like yourself get a job at a Regional
Bell these days? Mmm, perhaps that's a foolish question. Did you ever think it would be
your inability to communicate that would make you this famous? Can I have your
autograph?
-Bill Woodcock
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
-John Wooden
There is no limit to what a man can do or how far he can go if he doesn't mind who gets
the credit.
-Robert Woodruff
SCSI is NOT magic. There are fundamental technical reasons why it is necessary to
sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then.
-John Woods
Use the root password for an important host, and listen carefully for someone shouting
"YES!!!"
-John Woods on how to check for packet sniffers
All good work is done in defiance of management.
-Bob Woodward
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
-Virginia Woolf
Lock up your libraries if you like, but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set
upon the freedom of my mind.
-Virginia Woolf
People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution
they cannot understand.
-Woolsey-Swanson Rule
Woo hoo! Laid off! 2007 will go down in history as the "Year of Getting Laid...Off."
-Tom Working
I guess we're getting a valuable education learning what it's like being a drudge in a
major corporation. When you get into a tedious job, so that year after year you begin
praying for death as an escape from the monotony of it all, you'll remember it was this
class that helped prepare you for it.
-Paul Workman
I was asked back in the early days of the lawsuit [against Microsoft] to write an Op-Ed
piece for the New York Times, but they didnt print it. I got a letter back from the editor
months later saying that maybe they'd run it, but it needed a little fixing. So, [I said] rewrite it. I wrote Microsoft's a monopolist and the Times wanted to edit it to say,
Microsoft is innovative. The funny thing is that I had started out in my own head without
having a bias. I thought Microsoft did a lot of things that were good and right building
parts of the browser into the operating system. Then I thought it out and came up with
reasons why it was a monopoly. I specified the strong penalties they should undergo.
Eventually I found out that the New York Times had tight friendship ties with Microsoft
and that one of Microsoft's key people had an editorial column in the Times. They were
trying to use me. But I know newspapers. They have the first amendment and they can
tell any lie knowing its a lie and theyre protected if the persons famous or its a company
or their tongues up its anus or all three.
-Steve Wozniak
So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of
your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want
to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college
yet.'
-Steve Wozniak
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to
it.
-Frank Lloyd Wright
The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing room and the
sledge hammer on the construction site.
-Frank Lloyd Wright
No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris ... [because] no known motor
can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping...
-Orville Wright
Sex with Rachel was great. It was amazing. It was like a concert, it really was. She
screamed a lot. And threw frisbees around the room. And when she wanted more, she'd
light a match.
-Steven Wright
The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time.
-Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-Steven Wright
I was wondering how you got him out of the house. He looked like living death. Then
again we all looked like living death. Some of us on purpose.
[email protected]
The only person who got all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
-Andreas Wuertz
Originally employed in 1982 as a form of psychoacoustic mood therapy for latent
homosexuals, synthpop has since mutated into a form of psychoacoustic mood therapy
for latent homosexuals.
-www.rmifaq.com
When you killed your daughter, your pulse never rose above normal. We're alike in that
way, but my crimes will be grander, I assure you. One day I will put out the sun, and
make bare every womb that ever was.
-Coty Wyckoff, Wild Palms
quotes: xyz
You can always solve a problem by introducing another layer of indirection.
-Xerox PARC saying
We can call it e-sol, which has the added benefit of being 'lose' spelled backwards.
-xpaul
You may not use the Yahoo! FinanceVision software or content to operate nuclear
facilities, life support or other medical equipment or use the Yahoo! FinanceVision
software or content while driving, biking, boating, operating machinery or engaging in
any activity which demands constant attention.
-Yahoo! FinanceVision license agreement
Well, I'll write this down, just to confuse you.. I think I just confused me, too.
-Prof. Yakir
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
Right now I'm at page 91 of a 216 page book and I must say that the most persistent flaw
is that the author often doesn't seem to know what he's talking about.
-Matthew Yglesias
The idea of Bush campaigning in the District of Columbia, whose population consists
almost entirely of African-Americans, government employees, and African-American
employees is a more than a bit absurd. Here in the noble 22nd Precinct I was shocked to
learn the other day that we have as many as one Bush supporter.
-Matthew Yglesias
Do or do not. There is no try.
-Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to
suffering.
-Yoda, The Phantom Menace
A fixed bear is an animal in the bear family which includes black bears, brown bears,
pandas, koalas, and grizzlies, as well as many others, which has been surgically altered to
inhibit reproduction--for example, by removing the gonads. A fixed bear is generally not
acceptable body jewellery due to their size as well as their claws and teeth which can be
quite damaging during intercourse in the case of genital piercings, although there are
probably a few adventurous and exotic size queens on RAB sporting sterilized koalas in
their lobes after months and months of stretching.
-Clay Young
See, I have two different sets of notes here, his and mine. And looking at his notes is
enough to send someone into an alternate universe.
-Hugh Young
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word; if only she'd get to it.
-Henny Youngman
...each day, death walks the earth, and we continue to live as though we were immortal.
-Yudishthira, The Bhagavad Gita
Growing up is all about finding out that there are gay people.
-Erin van Yuga
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have
learned how to live.
-Lin Yutang
You can check the government organization handbook. The handbook contains all
government organizations, it does not contain any secret organization.
-Sun Yuxi, PRC Foreign Ministry spokesman
You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your department either
didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford,
in which case everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford
-You Know You're From Silicon Valley When:
You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the
Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the
next year, but don't know the name of the fucking mayor
-You Know You're From Silicon Valley When:
I remember the Seventies -- clearly. They sucked!... The only good thing that came out of
the Seventies was sex, and I was too young. And I'm pissed!
-Dave Zabowski
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, but you don't
build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor micro and then try to run
it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
-William Zachmann, International Data Corp
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going to mess up your
heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make
you just like your mother and father.
-Frank Zappa
If you do bad things in the vicinity of a rock and roll record, chances are you were sick
before you got there.
-Frank Zappa
Most rock journalism is people who can not write interviewing people who can not talk.
-Frank Zappa
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
-Frank Zappa
Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And
never the twain shall meet.
-Frank Zappa
The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment
in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-Frank Zappa
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-Frank Zappa
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have
some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a
beer.
-Frank Zappa
I must say, though, that it feels good to be resigning from AOL instead of resigning from
Netscape. It doesn't really feel like quitting at all.
-Jamie Zawinski
I'd just like to take this moment to point out that C has all the expressive power of two
dixie cups and a string.
-Jamie Zawinski
Oh, by the way, you may have noticed that the first picture on this page, the one of the
striped hallway, has a nasty moiré pattern in the carpet. That's not just an artifact of the
image; the carpet in this place really looks like that. Especially late at night. After you've
been here for enough hours, it seethes and writhes at you as you walk down the hall,
skittering away from your feet, taunting you, whispering at you, telling you to do horrible
things to your coworkers in its quiet, insistent voice. Or maybe that's just me.
-Jamie Zawinski
Personally I think you and your fang-wearing D&D-playing pals pretty well embody the
Jungian "wanker" motif. Yeah, I got your Dark Gift right here, buddy.
-Jamie Zawinski
Using these toolkits is like trying to make a bookshelf out of mashed potatoes.
-Jamie Zawinski
at school we were going to set up a subdepartment of the fashion police devoted to
ticketing men who attempted to grow facial hair without a permit... hippie school = many
18 year old boys who looked like they'd wiped their mouths on a weasel after eating
something particularly sticky
-Ilen Zazueta-Hall
i have never seen so much blatant irresponsiblity masquerading as free-thinking in one
place at one time... and it's not even *pretty*
-Ilen Zazueta-Hall
I smoke a few more cigarettes, then two women approach me. "What is your company?"
says the bolder of the two. "I've never heard of it." "It's a personal site," I say. She
brightens. "Oh, you mean like dating services?" "No, I mean there's no company, it's just
me. It's entertainment for the Web." "Ah. Who supplies your entertainment content?" "I
do. I supply the entertainment content." She says, "What is your revenue model?" I say,
"I don't have one." The women giggle as if I've said something witty. They cover their
mouths like children. We exchange business cards.
-Jeffrey Zeldman
The Middle East is a cauldron of hatred and violence, children go hungry all over the
world, and Network Solutions continues to exist.
-Jeffrey Zeldman
Computer Science - as a field, we're like that asshole teenager next door.
-Jim Zelenka
Dibs on killing the first person to post, "I eased my high-capacity disk drive into her
warm velvet love pocket, after first lubricating it with rich, creamery butter."
-Jim Zelenka
Of course it has civilian applications. You might wanna kill your friends, someday.
-Jim Zelenka
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the
Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is
full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores
and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through
many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot
take the place of J. R. Miller's 'Practical Gamekeeping.'
-Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
If we set up a system that is optimized for surveillance, this government may not and
probably won't use it. But then another government comes to power, one that sees the
potential to use their 'keys' to destroy their opponents. It could be the last government we
ever elect.
-Phil Zimmerman
Duct tape is like the force...it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
-Carl Zwanzig
quotes: anonymous
a scene is a collection of sexual references that masquerades as an art support group
-anonymous
After decades of careful research on the possible uses of the Internet, we were still
unprepared for anything as pointless as IRC.
-anonymous
All the surrealist stuff with naked women, with a few exceptions, gets me really angry.
So much of it is obviously, 'Let us look at naked ladies while pretending to shock you by
exposing your mind to the naked breast!'
-anonymous
And it's not development's fault--the corporate management infrastructure seems to have
a worse checks and balances system than a pre-school lemonade stand.
-anonymous
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. In bed!
-anonymous
art and science are of the same basic fabric, except in art you tend to arrive at important
developments without the need for documentation on how you got there
-anonymous
But, of course, both you and I know that our words our meaningless and we only speak
them to hint at the dark and deranged undercurrent, which can never be named.
-anonymous
Call his bluff. If you're lucky you'll get to see his entire life flashing before his lies.
-anonymous
Dear L. L. Bean, please rename the color choice for mens' boxers to something other than
'cream.' Many thanks.
-anonymous
Delaying Windows Vista's release would be like throwing sand in the anal lubricant. It
would not change anything, just make it a bit more painful for Gates and the customers
preparing themselves.
-anonymous
Everybody who's vested is too busy lighting cigars and tipping hookers to comment.
-anonymous Sports Illustrated editor after AOL/Time-Warner merger announcement
I am gayer than a cocaine tupperware party
-anonymous
I can see it now: Our drives will give you the capacity to continue to store all that old
data in addition to all your new data. The new Segate Information Buttplug 1 terabyte
drive - the data goes in, but it never comes out. "The constipation of success"
-anonymous
I don't know what my problem with women is.. I've tried getting bigger shoes, but it
doesn't help.
-anonymous
I feel so... dirty... I'm currently using Windows XP, instead of my old faithful Linux, and
I really hate myself. I feel like a cheap whore.
-anonymous
I had more thoughts over the weekend but I forgot them because they were at a party and
I was busy staring at some girl's legs.
-anonymous
i have a persistent object...in my pants!!
-anonymous
i have my doubts that the evening will wind up with us together unless ... the first words
out of her mouth are "i" and "apologize" in that order
-anonymous
I just saw my insurance rates pass before my eyes.
-anonymous
i suffer for art. or from it, rather.
-anonymous
I take all major forms of death.
-anonymous
I wasn't looking for 'Ms. Right', or even 'Ms. Right Now', but more for 'Ms. Right Here'.
-anonymous
I think that's reason enough to give up Linux and go with BeOS R5. I mean, how much
sex does the average Linux user get? I just did a poll of Be developers I know. They get a
lot. I don't think it has anything to do with sex appeal though. It has to do with time.
Linux users sit and play with themselves while recompiling their kernel. Be users leave
that job to Brian "no-dual-Celerons-TYVM" Swetland at Be and spend the quality time
with their wives and girlfriends. Linux may be hot now, but without adequate procreation
of its vocal supporters, it will be a footnote in a generation.
-anonymous
I'm not homophobic, I'm just intolerant.
-anonymous
I'm smart. Take my pants off.
-anonymous
if anyone wants the vicarious orgasm, send me a check for $5.
-anonymous
If I wanted to sleep with someone that effeminate, I'd be heterosexual.
-anonymous
It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.
-anonymous
It's so embarrassing when I'm always right.
-anonymous
Maybe 1 percent. The one percent shall hereby be named 'angst'. As in, 'I met a really
nice piece of angst today'.
-anonymous
Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can
hear them whining... you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
-anonymous
my ethics teacher, on the other hand, is one of the best impersonators of a hamster
pumped full of crack in the world. who wins? me.
-anonymous
My testicles actually grow in size every time I drive that fast.
-anonymous
Never read James Joyce while sitting on the toilet. It will forever distort your ability to go
to the can.
-anonymous
NT is like AIDS. Everything looks great, and a couple of years later you realize you've
got serious problems - the price you pay for screwing around.
-anonymous
Oh, btw, if I said or did anything out of character, or accidentally
embarrassed/angered/molested anyone -- I blame it on the liquor and drugs ... oh, and of
course, I was out of town on business.
-anonymous
Shouldn't we try and rise above our evolutionarily determined urges, especially when
they're nothing but meaningless, wasteful exchanges? No? Well, unless you want to
never get laid...
-anonymous
Sometimes I really hate myself for being so judgemental. But not today.
-anonymous
SWM seeks intelligent SWF for pointless sexual relationship. I'm bitter, jaded, and hate
the outdoors, but don't let that stop you since I won't value your opinion anyway. Call me,
and save the money you would have spent on dinner and a movie.
-anonymous
SWM25, snuff fetishist, seeking SWF18-25 for short term relationship.
-anonymous
Ten thousand people in this damn school and I get a stupid fat Greek with poor taste in
music who lives across the hall and thinks he's a headbanger.
-anonymous
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
-anonymous
The great thing about homophobia is that once you've decided you hate gays, you can
then decide that someone you don't like is gay, and have a reason to hate him other than
that he's a fat, stupid, ham-handed imbecile.
-anonymous
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-anonymous
The irony is that we subtly contribute to this by helping to build network and
organizational infrastructure which supports a highly networked economy. We think
we're doing better because our salaries go up and up and up when in fact we spend more
and more of our income at... amazon.com. Translation: less money now than when I was
flat broke.
-anonymous
There is but one lesson you must learn, young one: Do what you want. If you don't know
what you want, then do nothing, and call it Zen. Don't bother attempting to get
subcultural insights from someone who believes in subculture. The emperor wears no
clothes and the Way cannot be seen.
-anonymous
This is it. Billions of dollars of development in computers and miniaturization
technology, all so I can have Jenna Jameson and a cheap knock-off of "The Bard's Tale"
in my pants.
-anonymous
We do dangerous drugs, and pass the savings on to you!
-anonymous
Welcome to Vasa-Zine! The only online magazine for humans, by humans. Well except
for that one day when the apes took over, but I think we have that problem under control
now.
-anonymous
WILL YOU PLEASE IMPALE YOURSELF THROUGH THE HEART ON MY
WOODEN STAKE, GOTH BOY? CHECK ONE: YES NO
-anonymous
You do not understand hate. You do not hate something, you are full of hate or not full of
hate. Generally, if you are not full of hate you are dumb. Generally, if you are full of hate
you are also dumb. Generally, you are dumb.
-anonymous
You misunderstand. I'm not a sexist, I'm a misogynist. I don't have anything against any
of the _other_ sexes, just women.
-anonymous
quotes: unknown
A cat that's been dipped in formaldehyde is much different from an undipped cat.
-unknown
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-unknown
A Conservative is a liberal who's been mugged. A Libertarian is a Conservative who's
been audited.
-unknown
A friend who used to work at a 'research lab' related a story about a customer support line
at 'company x'. The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only
customer, you know," to which the reply was, "Perhaps not, but we're one of the few with
tactical nuclear weapons."
-unknown
A layman knows he has to kick it; An amateur knows where to kick it; A professional
knows how hard.
-unknown
A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men.
-unknown
A planet is a nice thing spoiled by a sparse population of Dominoes Delivery Men.
-unknown
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
-unknown
A pre-emptive retaliatory strike: get them back before they get you in the first place.
-unknown
Academic training was instrumental. You have to understand the language of society
before you can start stretching and subverting it and ripping and tearing it and burning it
and watching the plastic drip on the ants.
-unknown
Acid is like a woman -- a good one'll eat right through your pants.
-unknown
Altoids used to clear my sinuses, so I bought a box and ate 15 of them or so, all at once.
Result: the usual pain everywhere but in my sinuses. I take this as a bad sign. I imagine
my sinuses are basically "filled to the Rim with Brim" except it's not Brim; it's like solid
snot.
-unknown
An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on the basis of being
able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite strings of incomprehensive estimates
calculated with microscopic precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures
taken from inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical accuracy
by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and questionable mentality.
-unknown
And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let
there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."
-unknown
Anime is better than bunraku because it is much shorter and has a snappy rock
soundtrack
-unknown
Art is anything you can get away with.
-unknown
At the rate we're going, hell may freeze before our next release.
-unknown
Because of a new government ban on chlorofluorocarbons, the US Air Force is to refit all
its nuclear missiles with new cooling systems which don't use CFCs. This is to protect the
environment while they wait to deliver terminal global warming. The Environmental
Protection Agency concedes that it may be 'ironic' to make nuclear missiles more ecofriendly, but regulations are regulations.
-unknown
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick it once and you suck forever.
-unknown
Business is like riding a bicycle -- either you keep moving or you fall down.
-unknown
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
-unknown
Cats seem to live by the opinion that it never hurts to ask for what you want.
-unknown
Choose your enemies carefully. Sooner or later you begin to look like them.
-unknown
Civilization doesn't give out, it gives in. In a society where anything goes, eventually
everything will.
-unknown
Computers help us do stupid things faster.
-unknown
congratulations! you are the first person to crash my new computer. you have won a
stream of obscenities.
-unknown
Consulting is like dating - you smile a lot, you pretend to enjoy yourself, and wait for
someone to call you back.
-unknown
Cryptic or stupid. You decide.
-unknown
Dallas,TX: Where we shoot Presidents and shoot people who shoot Presidents.
-unknown
Dammit, we just sprayed for goths last week!
-unknown
Due to the aids epedemic it is no longer company policy to suck up or kiss the boss's ass.
-unknown
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway
-unknown
effective immediately, my email address will change from [[email protected]] to
[[email protected]]. This may mean nothing or absolutely nothing to you depending on which
of the people I sent this to are recieveing it. If it does mean something to you, please don't
write to my old email address or bad things may happen to you and you family. For
example, two months ago an egyptian archeologist in egypt mailed my old email address
and was later found to be dead from mosquito bites. His wife and kids lived happily ever
after. Another man in peru mailed my old email address before he went on an expedition
to that incan city I forget it's name. He broke his leg. He came back and mailed my
correct address and three weeks later his leg was mysteriously healed and he discovered a
new incan city just two miles from his home. this is NOT a chain letter, please do not
send it to anyone.
-unknown
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what
you don't say.
-unknown
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know
belongs.
-unknown
First, God created Man. Then He rested. Then, God created Woman, and nobody's rested
since.
-unknown
First, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
-unknown
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an
important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It
is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular
consequence and with not very good shopping.
-unknown
Give a hungry man a fish and you have fed him for a day, but give him a case of
dynamite and soon the entire village will be showered with mud and water and hard-toidentify little chunks of fish.
-unknown
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
-unknown
Here in the states we support the right to arm bears. It says so in the Fourth Amendment
of our Constitution.
-unknown
Hmmm. 10 years ago I was hacking MCI, now they're giving me free accounts. I must be
getting old or something.
-unknown
I am an honest businessman. An investor. A farmer. A winemaker. (That's one of mine
you are drinking now, by the way. Do you like it?). A philosopher. And, oh, yes, a very
highly-paid assassin.
-unknown
I believe God gave me a limited number of words to use in my lifetime. When I say all I
have to say, I will then die. Therefore, I will not waste any of my precious words yelling
and arguing with you.
-unknown
I do not 'work'. I have people who pay me to do my hobbies in a timely fashion.
-unknown
I don't hate falling in love so much as knowing that every fall ends in a sudden stop, and
the stop is usually very painful.
-unknown
I don't hate women... I just tend to get confused and stepped on by them... that is why i
said I should join a monastery...I figure they could at least protect me...of course with my
luck, as soon as I joined they would start having mixers with some convent of hot nuns.
-unknown
I don't want life to resemble art. I want life to BE art.
-unknown
I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots.
-unknown
I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it any time!
-unknown
I have found that it is much easier to fake an orgasm than to pretend to like basketball.
-unknown
I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked also back into me. Neither of us liked
what we saw.
-unknown
I haven't lost my mind; it's just backed up on tape somewhere!
-unknown
I know WINDOWS, boy. DOS AND WINDOWS. I can scavenge API calls with the best
of them, and remap your drives to the toaster in your kitchen.
-unknown
I like being intriguing. Most people aren't. And sometimes I THINK people are
intriguing, and then I get to know them and they just turn out to be weird. Oh, well.
-unknown
I see these kids today, in their black satanic t-shirts, and I think "What are you doing??
You didn't grow up in the 80's. I thought we were gonna get NUKED! What's YOUR
excuse?"
-unknown
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
-unknown
I should be reading for my Buddhism class right now, but I figure Buddhism is one of
those subjects that is best contemplated, not studied.
-unknown
I think his religion is Discordian. However, I think that that is a joke.
-unknown
I think, therefore I'm single.
-unknown
If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 mins every day.
-unknown
if you have an ax, every problem looks like fun
-unknown
I'm working on putting my best songs in mp3-format so I can use my computer as an
expensive stereo.
-unknown
In a world without fences, who needs Gates?
-unknown
In order to truly understand 'Mankind', it is first necessary to look at the the two words
from which it was formed: 'Mank' and 'ind'.... It's a total mystery.
-unknown
In the Internet Service Provider craze, there is only one thing that is important. One thing
that is more important than family, friends, or the fact that you've just pushed your
mother into a pit with Yog Sohoth, Demon Lord of all that is Unholy. And that one thing
is porn.
-unknown
It is not without reason that I am being unreasonable.
-unknown
It's good to eat. It's good to laugh. But try to both at the same time and you'll pay through
the nose.
-unknown
It's only funny until someone loses an arm or leg. Then it's hilarious.
-unknown
Jeffrey Dahmer: Because a sandwich is a sandwich, but a manwich is a meal.
-unknown
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
-unknown
Keep your friends close, & your enemies closer.
-unknown
Ken has an automobile which he designd. Unlike most automobiles, it has neither
speedometer, nor gas guage, nor any of the idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes a mistake, a giant "WTF?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", Ken says, "will usually know what's wrong."
-unknown
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
-unknown
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they
are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to
Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
-unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first
-unknown
life's too short to spend one-seventh of it on monday.
-unknown
Manchester is probably the only city on Earth where a bomb could go off and do billions
of pounds worth of improvement.
-unknown
Money sucks, and people suck, and the world sucks, let's go dye our hair.
-unknown
Moral principles can never be compromised; they can only be abandoned.
-unknown
My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a 'paint-by-irrational-number' kit.
-unknown
Nerds tend to have miserable adolescences and they grow up to inherit the earth.
-unknown
No, no, no,. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every
day and do it really half-assed.
-unknown
Nobody expects miracles unless they're a really bad manager...
-unknown
Now here's today's lesson about mind over matter. If you have the willpower to bring a
large, metal, finely machined assault weapon into existance, think about how many small,
light, green pieces of paper you can make. And all the drugs you can buy with them.
Won't they make you feel _much_ better than a few seconds of random violence?
-unknown
Obviously, you are too young and naive to have realised the utter futility of life. We are
here because our parents had a few moments of meaningless lust that they did not enjoy.
Our parents did not raise us because they love us, for who can love a mewling, puking
infant? They did because they were genetically programmed to. Once we are grown, we
will have our meaningless lusts with someone we do not love, someone who does not
love us, or both. We will probably have children who do not love us either and will leave
home at the earliest opportunity. We'll work in meaningless jobs, and our work will not
affect anybody's lives, except to slightly annoy someone. When we die, only those we
owe money to will mourn our being dead before we returned their money.
-unknown
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
-unknown
Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible
-unknown
Only women get used. Men just perform on cue.
-unknown
Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and
caffeine.
-unknown
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and
no objectives.
-unknown
Photography is one percent inspiration and 99 percent moving furniture.
-unknown
Programming is like sex - one mistake and you end up supporting it for a lifetime.
-unknown
"Quid pro quo" is Latin for "Sleep with me or clean out your desk."
-unknown
Real love, despite party line counsel to the contrary, is permeated with dependency, as
well it should be. It should therefore come as no surprise that dependency upon the
system and its non-human servitors has replaced dependency upon mates. One falls in
love and cohabitates with his or her computer.
-unknown
Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
-unknown
Rome was not built in a night.
-unknown
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
-unknown
Sex is any activity that has a 40% or better chance of resulting in an orgasm.
-unknown
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
-unknown
Some people make mistakes, I initiate disasters
-unknown
Suicide is not a viable alternative. No matter what situation you have been placed in that
is making you unhappy, it can be traced to an individual or group. This person or group
must be destroyed.
-unknown
Support Mental Health. Or I'll kill you.
-unknown
The definition of the Information Age is an explosion in the amount of information it's
safe to ignore.
-unknown
The difference between America and Brittain is that the British think 100 miles is a long
distance and Americans think 100 years is a long time.
-unknown
The difference between the military and the Boy Scouts of America is the Boy Scouts are
allowed to carry knives and they have adult leadership.
-unknown
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-unknown
The F.B.I. is like a kitten. If you give them some milk, they'll come back.
-unknown
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from
information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the
US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease
Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
-unknown
The game is simple. You have to drive from San Antonio to Dallas with a bumper sticker
that reads "I'm gay, and I've come to take your guns". First one to make it wins.
-unknown
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've
finished building it.
-unknown
The good news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do. The bad
news about computers is that they do exactly what you tell them to do.
-unknown
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: you can never be sure how many beers you had last
night.
-unknown
The ideal situation is to have real computing power close at hand - right at home.
Something that dims streetlights and shrinks the picture on the neighbors TV when you
crank it up.
-unknown
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-unknown
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
-unknown
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually,
because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
-unknown
The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the
bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization.
-unknown
The superior pilot uses his superior judgement to avoid situations in which he has to
demonstrate his superior skill.
-unknown
The three main weapons of choice are fear, surprise, and ruthless lawyers.
-unknown
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
-unknown
"They were such NICE young men," said 78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog
nearby. "They would pet my dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the
X Files. I think they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said
this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.
-unknown, "Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage"
Things you don't hear on Star Trek: Uhura, I'm scared; Shut 'er down Scotty, she's suckin'
mud!; Dammit Spock! That's the fifteenth nutterbutter you've eaten today!
-unknown
This is great! The routing is working the way it's supposed to for the first time in months!
This is awesome! This is great! This means I can have a transitional phase while I switch
to a new provider!
-unknown
This principle is so perfectly general that no particular application of it is possible.
-unknown
trisexual: men, women, and computers.
-unknown
We don't care. We don't have to. We're engineers.
-unknown
We have tamed lightning, and now use it to make sand think.
-unknown
We're in New York! You can spew anywhere - no one will notice.
-unknown
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually
reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare ... Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this
isn't true.
-unknown
When I was in a band, kids would come up to me and be like "You're SO cool!" All I
could think was "Uhm, I'm a DORK. I play Dungeons and Dragons and I LIKE it."
-unknown
When the conscious becomes unconscious, you're drunk. When the unconscious becomes
conscious, you're stoned.
-unknown
When you are having a bad day, and it seems like everybody is trying to tick you off, that
it takes 42 muscles to produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good
sniper rifle.
-unknown
why be difficult, when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible
-unknown
With friends like you, who needs conspiratorial governments?
-unknown
You can classify any behavior using the scheme I call the "Four F's." These are: Feeding,
Fleeing, Fighting, and Reproducing.
-unknown
You can't teach intelligence.
-unknown
You will eventually get to a stage where you realize that all operating systems are gross
ugly hacks.
-unknown
You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead.
-unknown
You sometimes may get the feeling that I don't like you. This is not the case. I just don't
care about you. If you think you disturb me, you're wrong. You just irritate me to no end,
like an incessant gnat that's always around and won't go away. The point is, and if you
think i'm speaking slowly, it's only because i want to be painfully clear on this part so
there's no misunderstanding, you are one of the most pathetic, annoying, self impressed,
petulant, boring, consistently stupid, and absolutely unimpressive and useless people i
have ever met, and if you don't mind, would you please go away and leave me alone.
-unknown
You've gotta understand... this was research code. You need to have a certain level of
disbelief while going through it.
-unknown
The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is 'So
what?'
-unknown comp.arch poster
If you're listening to 90.9 FM, this is WETA in Washington. If you're listening to 89.3
FM, this is WETH in Hagerstown. If you're listening to any other station, your radio is
off, and you're hallucinating. Snap out of it!
-unknown DJ
Not much happened this weekend; we bombed the hell out of Iraq again ... and we've got
some free pizza to give away, so keep listening!
-unknown DJ
Thailand:... A place where there are a lot of prostitutes.
-unknown English dictionary
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
-unknown English Professor
Diplomatic immunity is like virginity. Either you have it, or you don't.
-unknown French diplomat
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed
gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-unknown Ohio University English Professor
Suppose it's Monday and the ironworkers have been out drinking all weekend and the
building is sort of leaning this way... you have to account for these small imperfections
with your structural system.
-unknown Materials & Assembly professor
The number one reason people tell us they go online is that they want to have e-mail -which means a good chunk of those 1.2 million people have e-mail addresses
-unknown phone company marketing spokesman
The U.S. Constitution: void where prohibited by law.
-unknown poster on alt.cyberpunk
Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
-unknown poster on alt.sex.fetish.fashion
I don't deal with stress; I kill people.
-unknown ROTC member during the "Stress" T-shirt sale
God himself could not sink this ship.
-unknown Titanic Deck Hand
Hello, Bitter party, your table is ready. Bitter, party of one.
-unknown TV sitcom
One of the students actually sent me an email that said it point blank. He said, "The book
sucks." I was like, what the hell? So I emailed back, "Well so does your girlfriend but
you still take her out, don't you?"
-unknown University of Maryland professor
It was like being on acid and walking into Disneyland.
-unknown www first-timer

THE GEEK BOOK - ESL Teachers Board

Transcription

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