October 2, 2006 - Dolphin Student Group Web Accounts
Transcription
October 2, 2006 - Dolphin Student Group Web Accounts
F irst OCT 2, 2006 Volume 7, No. 3 Call Magazine At Penn, Everyday is Judgment Day Philly vs. Oz, Round 1 A Wolf in Hot Pink Boy Shorts 8 FIRST keep your pants on LOOK andrew pederson Andrew can’t stand any more armpit stubble. American Apparel ads have to go. 14 FC dispatch: australia becky haenDel Becky is in Australia... and will never leave. We’re in Philadelphia... we will also never leave. 4 judge not, lest ye be from long island benny laitman Benny’s complaint. 6 cunning linguists dave nagdeman Dave picks apart the finer points of the political soundbite. 10 bye bye rock music Al moran Al laments the day the music seriously died. 11 drunken follies kiley austin-young Alcoholics rejoice: you’ve been typecast. 12 beauty and the beast kate bracaglia Kate brings the inner workings of jackass to you. cover: Hey Piggy, Shelby Prindaville Contact FIRST CALL, Kelly Writer’s House 3805 Locust Walk, Philadelphia, PA 19104 www.firstcallmagazine.com [email protected] FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 Contributors Editors-in-Chief: Lauren Saul, Anna Stetsovskaya. • Executive Editor: Andrew Pederson • Editor: Shira Bender Assistant Editors: Adam Goodman, Isaac Katz • Design Editor: Michael Sall • Layout Editor: Krystal Godines Business Manager: Anna Tolmach • Webmaster: Tim Potens • Contributing Writers: Kate Bracaglia, Becky Haendel, Benny Laitman, Al Moran,Dave Nagdeman, Andrew Pederson, Lauren Saul, Anna Stetsovskaya, Kiley Austin Young • Layout Staff: Michael Etemad, Isaac Katz, Ashwin Shandilya • Photographer: Shelby Prindaville Artists: Shira Bender, EJ Horlacher Yue Wu LETTER FROM THE EDITORS EDITORIAL Dear Pennizens, You won’t be keeping that title much longer if one ‘92 alum has his way! To rescue our noble institute of higher learning from the dregs of the US News and World Report college rankings, Penn grad Noam Harel thinks we should change our name to either Benjamin Franklin University or – even better! – to the name of the highest bidder. You thought the Ben Franklin Bridge, the Ben Franklin Parkway, the Franklin Institute, Franklin Field, Franklin Square, and the Franklin Mills Mall weren’t enough Philly institutions and landmarks named after the inventor of the catheter? Do the countless local statues, urine-encrusted and not, constitute insufficient fellating of America’s most obnoxious moralizer? After barely surviving the nonstop Franklin-worship of his birthyear tricentennial, we still can’t escape the endless idol worship of our most famous almanac writer. Or, conversely, is Penn’s endowment so small that we should sell ourselves like the Whore of Babylon? Why get hung up on our – snicker – small endowment (ahem)? Penn is envious of the endowments of Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. No problem – we could be called Costco College, University of Golden Palace or Trojan Condom University. A good complement to our expanding endowment! After all, there’s no better way to increase alumni contributions than change our name to something even more phallic. The only question: will the name change come before or after the class of Penn ’15 enters its freshman year? Naturally, such a piss-poor argument begs for rebuttal faster than a gay hustler on crystal meth. Freshman Dan Brickley was up for the challenge. Penn’s lack of name recognition is a blessing in disguise, he says, because the “people who matter” know the difference between Penn and Penn State. Naturally, though, Brickley’s elitism is hidden by a veneer of exactly the opposite; he likes Penn’s name because “blue-collar” people are, apparently, too ignorant recognize it. Nothing like reverse snobbery to unmask a true snob! Here’s what we think, and you Penn/Franklin/Trojan students listen up. You. Didn’t. Get. Into. Harvard. Or Yale, for that matter, or Princeton. Penn isn’t in the US News top 3, and whether Penn is ranked 4, 7, 47, or 470, your college experience will be the same. In class, the same non-English-speaking TAs and barely-English-speaking math professors; at parties, the same diluted beer and creepy frat guys; on the streets, the same stray bullets and 3-dollars-a-Hershey bar fundraisers; on College Green, the same speechifying Christian evangelists with bullhorns and earnest Darfur activists with leaflets. You will still leave Penn with a marginally useful degree and mountains of debt – unless you’re in Wharton or are a thirdgeneration legacy from Great Neck, Long Island. Oops on that last one. Not everyone from Great Neck is a ludicrouslyprivileged asshole, as Benny Laitman writes in this issue. Read on for more: how American Apparel ads promote reality porn, how music today couldn’t hold a raised lighter to that of the 60’s and 70’s, and how progressives can subvert political discourse in order to overthrow the conservative political machine. Kate Bracaglia interviews Jackass’s Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera (even after 34th Street uses other reporters’ questions in its “oneon-one” interview). Kiley AustinYoung tells us when drinking has led to alcoholism, and our First Call Dispatch shows once again that there’s no place like Australia. Turn the pages, crazy Pennizens – as long as you can keep that title. POLICY F irst Call ate is the undergradu - magazine of the P ennsylvania Monday. Our U niver- sity of published every mission is to provide members of the com munity an open forum for ex pressing ideas and opinions . To this end, we, the editors of F irst C all, are committed to a policy of not censoring opin ions . A rticles are provided by regular columnists and writ ers . T hey are chosen for pub lication based on the quality of writing , and , in the case of commentaries , the quality of argumentation . Outside of the weekly editorial and other editorial content , no article First Call, its editorial board , or individual members of F irst C all other than the author . N o content in F irst C all unlesso represents the opinion of therwise stated represents the official position of the admin - istration , faculty , or student body at large of the of P ennsylvania. U niversity Isaac Katz, Assistant Editor FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 Great (Pain in the) Neck Penn Students Judge too quickly! Benny Laitman “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Benny.” “Melanie. Where do you live?” “Riepe—Lower Quad. You?” “Hill.” “Oh.” I knew what was coming. “So…” Oh, great. Here it comes: “Where are you from?” I have come to hate this question. Why? Because of the inevitable next part of the conversation: “New York.” “Oh, where in New York?” “Long Island.” “Oh, where on Long Island?” “Great Neck.” “Oh…” She kind of titled her head to the side, and the conversation ended there. Y eah, that’s right. I am a white, Jewish male legacy from Great Neck, Long Island. My mom went here, my grandfather went here, and my great uncle, uncle, and four of my cousins went here. I am the stereotypical accepted Penn student. I am also the recipient of some of the most irritating comments ever. But I’m not the only one. After asking students, freshmen and seniors alike, I have found a common theme. “People are just too quick to judge,” one freshman commented, “They think they know you just by where you’re from.” It seems like almost every time this conversation comes up, someone gets annoyed. I don’t know how many of you know where Great Neck is or what it’s about. It’s not just a town—it’s more of a type. There are many of them out there: most of Long Island is a “Great Neck,” and everyone knows a “Great Neck” near him or her. For those of you who like literature, Great Neck was the “West Egg” in Fitzgerald’s Great Gatsby. For those of you who like television, Great Neck was mentioned in a few episodes of Entourage, such as “Guys and Doll” (the one with the Shrek doll). To be honest, for a while I couldn’t FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 even say where I was from. During my first visits to frat parties, meeting all those seniors, I said was from “outside Queens”—I was so embarrassed. I don’t have a mansion, I don’t have millions of dollars—I just live there, and people are so quick to judge that they group me into the spoiled rich kid category. People from the “Great Necks” of the world aren’t the only ones being judged too early. Some kids get judged for being from “farm country.” I talked to a girl about living in Indiana. She asked me, “what do you initially think when I say that I’m from Indiana? Is it corn? Soybeans? Nothing?” Truthfully, I thought nothing. I didn’t even know Indiana was a state until I was in middle school (and I got into Penn? Maybe it’s because I’m a legacy). She continued, “In reality, I live in a suburb of Chicago, only about 30 minutes away from the city. But no one believes me, ever. True, less than fifteen miles away is farmland en masse, but “the region,” aka Northwest Indiana, is very suburban. We literally sit on the Indiana/Illinois state line.” It’s funny how people think they know everything, especially in a school like Penn with so many intelligent people. Students think they know a person, their family, their friends, their lifestyle, and their financial status, all on the basis of where they are from. It is disheartening to see the judgment call made in a school with such a diverse population. “It makes you feel bad,” one freshman said, “like you can’t say where you are from because they are going to make fun of you, almost. I can’t change where I’m from, so why does it happen?” It’s a good question to ask since many who come from affluent communities, or “farm land” communities like Indiana, or anywhere else for that matter, are often worried about others’ reactions to where they live. But there seems to be hope, and it as the son of a legacy student, gave me a great opportunity to ask my mom how she was treated upon her arrival at Penn. My mom’s response was nothing surprising: “It was basically the same thing as it is now. It didn’t help that I was from Great Neck either. They just automatically assumed you were a JAP.” JAP, an acronym for Jewish American Princess, is synonymous with the familiar WASP terminology—it just so happens most of my town is Jewish. “People didn’t give you a chance to show who you really were. Their assumptions became def- Students think they know a person, their family, their friends, their lifestyle, and their financial status, all on the basis of where they’re from. lies in our foreign friends. I have the pleasure of being very good friends with kids from all over the world here at Penn. Both of my friends from Greece and Turkey gave approximately the same answer when I questioned them about the reactions to their origins: “Most people were just pleasantly surprised. They were inquisitive. They wanted to know more about it. It was great. No problems here.” I guess people only criticize what they already know—correction: what stereotypes they already know. I’m not going to lie. The fact that I was a third generation legacy did cross my mind as I was applying Penn. And, it’s even possible that it had an impact on my acceptance. But the truth of the matter is, my grades and my extracurricular activities is what really got me (as well as all of you) into this school. It’s unfair to think that legacy students have an advantage. Unless their families endowed a building, or they are Amy Gutmann’s favorite nephews, legacy status does not carry that much weight. Most of my Penn legacy friends, in fact, who applied to Penn, were rejected. This type of behavior isn’t limited to me and to our generation of Penn students; this has been going on for decades. Being a legacy student, as well inite descriptions. If it was that bad back then, I feel bad about what it must be like now.” So the question is, what can we learn from this? Only we and those we care about know the truth—and no one else. Now, when someone im- plies that I only got into Penn because my mom went here, I respond with a comment like, “No, it has nothing to do with that. It probably has more to do with the fact that my grandfather, great uncle, uncle and cousins went here. Yeah, that probably did it.” People are not going to stop making judgment calls. Therefore my plea instead is to ask, or rather implore, everyone to hide their initial judgments. You might find out that your stereotypes are wrong. And for those Great Neckers who find themselves on the receiving end, we just have to not let it get to us, and come to terms with who we really are. I know I have. I can only hope that everyone else, when confronted with this situation can do the same. Now I have to go pick up my Porsche. FC Benny Laitman is a freshman in the College. You can write to him at laitman@sas. Calling All Salespeople! Are you unabashedly social, brutally business-minded, meticulously organized, emptyresume’d, or strapped for cash? First Call Advertising Staff needs YOU! (and you need money) Next Meeting: Tuesday, Oct. 3, 8:00 PM Huntsman Hall F92 Email Advertise@ firstcallmagazine.com for more information. Are you interested in Finance AND Advisory Services? The Financial Services Advisory (FSA) Practice of Ernst & Young we will be visiting Penn’s campus to host an information session in advance of resume drop. Undergraduate candidates in areas of Finance, Accounting, Economics, International Relations, and other Quantitative disciplines are all welcome. Dates: October 10 - Information Session 6-7pm October 14–15 - Resume Drop November 1 - On campus interviews FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 patriot games the battle for hearts and minds starts with the soundbite Dave Nagdeman A potent conservative hegemony hangs over American political discourse. Progressives from near and far have been responding in various vague and insipid ways, but are failing to mount a truly effective opposition. Intellectuals on the left speak to competing values, pitting modern reason against primitive revelation in an epic battle to define our zeitgeist. A battle in which, given historical precedent, reason will inevitably crown them victors. Despite this foregone conclusion determined by the God of Reason, progressive politicians remain incapable of enlightening Middle America about the obvious superiority of their values. Berkeley linguist and cognitive scientist George Lakoff has deciphered the Democrat Party’s failure as an inability to “frame” the public debate as effectively as the Republican Party. “Frames” are the conceptual structures, the grander metaphors, in which political discourse is expressed. A prime example of frames, according to Lakoff, is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acceptance speech in which he says, “When the people win, politics as usual loses.” This immediately frames the Republicans as “the people” and the Democrats as “politics as usual.” Henceforth, the Democratic legislators become, in Lakoff ’s words, “enemies of the people.” On a micro-scale, frames can be seen in the moralizing of issues, e.g., the crusade to remove the “evil” Saddam Hussein or Senator Reid’s reply to the 2004 State of the Union address in which he rallied against an “immoral budget.” But the innovation of Lakoff ’s approach is not simply in demonstrating that good political rhetoric descends from casting issues in a framework of personal values; that’s an old trick. Rather, Lakoff proposes that Republicans and Democrats differ in their respective “meta-frames,” the conceptual systems which encapsulate each side’s political rhetoric. These “metaframes,” he argues, are to be found FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 in the distinctly Jungian archetypes of the “strict father” against the “nurturing parent,” politically correct code-speak for “soft mother.” By evoking these primordial human codes, the modern political machine incurs our loyalties to either side. Assuming these meta-frames to be accurate descriptions of the ideological meta-structure of contemporary American politics, we must then question their applicability. In what ways would their exegesis contribute to liberating the Democratic Party and its devotees from the tyrannical grip of Karl Rove and his minions? Lakoff replies that Democrats must simply, like the Republicans, embrace their archetype, framing all discursive output with those terms. When asked how exactly the Republicans have done this, Lakoff explains: “[T]hey’ve put billions of dollars into it. Over the last 30 years their think tanks have made a heavy investment in ideas and in language.” Thus financial backing secures a competitive ideology. Ignoring for a moment Lakoff ’s outright denial of language’s claim to transcendence, it is still obvious that in his world, political success derives from constructing a wellfunded infrastructure for producing ideological fences to keep the “cattle” in. Even leaving aside what Lakoff stands to gain personally from increased contributions to progressive think tanks such as his own Rockridge Institute, framing the American people as cattle merely reminds them that the “liberal elites” who run the Democratic Party really do despise them. For the Democratic Party, buying into Lakoff ’s frames would be tantamount to accepting that voters are won only through savvy statistical analyses and semiotic manipulation. Democrats would be acquiescing to a nihilistic cynicism that would ultimately separate the “educated” elite from the herd of “common” Americans who still find meaning in their day-today lives. That the ignorant masses might ascribe to a higher truth and not be beholden to well-researched sound-bites is inconceivable to the scientifically-minded Lakoff, who views language as mere philology and its cognitive correlatives. On both sides of the aisle, this sort of thought only encourages politicians to be aloof from voters, since it allows them to believe that they are knowledgeable while their voters can be gently corralled by sweet nothings. As Monsieur Colbert might chide, if Lakoff hates democracy so much, why doesn’t he say so in so many words? Unfortunately, Lakoff ’s broader analysis is little more than an expression of the current moral streams underlying American politics today. Lakoff, offering only a picture of two themes equivalent in might, fails to demonstrate a coherent strategy by which one side could outflank the other. In fact, the solution from Lakoff ’s model only leads to increased funding for his own pursuits at the expense of the Democratic Party’s relationship with the electorate. To address the true reason for the dominance of the Republican political discourse, we must examine the potency of political language and therein find the key to unraveling it. While context is, no doubt, partly responsible for both the intended and the implied meaning of the political sound-bite, its potency lies in the concreteness of idioms, which are best utilized by the Republican Party. The current party-line, propagated by Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee, is that the Republican strategy in Iraq is “Adapt-to-Win,” which is set against the supposed Democratic alternative of “Cut-and-Run.” Such phrases are a literalist’s wet dream, with so little leeway for interpretation. One does not need to think what such phrases might, would or could mean, given different circumstances. It is common sense that a losing team must “adapt to win,” just as it’s common sense that to “cut and run” is a cowardly departure from battle. Whether these taglines accurately describe the party’s strategies is irrelevant—the truth hurts. The closest thing that Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, gives us as the current sales pitch of the Democratic Party is that “Republicans have failed America” and that Democrats can provide “a new direction.” These vapid pronouncements lead to questions that would trouble even old Socrates. How have they failed? How are we to measure success? Is failure necessarily its opposite? What sort of new direction is this? Does this new direction lead to the good life? Despite the efficacy of the conservative machine, the progressive movement should not follow in its wake. Whether it’s the Democrats’ lack of investment in ideas and language, or simply their inability to comprehend the common man’s quest for graspable meaning in a world still mourning God’s death, inventing pithy catch phrases just isn’t the Democrats’ bag. Rather, they must destroy their opponent’s weapons by doing the only thing that can be done to concrete things: blowing them up. If progressives hope to reassert influence over America’s ideological discourse, then they must explode the well-researched sound-bites that the Republicans use so well. This does not consist of asserting parallel soundbites like Dean’s “War on the Middle Class,” but of directly reappropriating the idioms, as in a proper “War on Terror” directed at Bush himself, accusations that Republicans are “cutting” social spending and “running” and pronouncements that Democrats are committed to “adapt and win” “the hearts and minds” of “ordinary people” the world over by not “shocking and awing” them with tomahawks in their living rooms. Sound trite? Perhaps, but these phrases do demonstrate the ease with which hard, firm and fast phrases imbued with virtuous simplicity can be exposed as purely formal expressions devoid of any valid content. While I certainly have not done full justice to Lakoff ’s political theories, which can provide some insight into demographic trends and cultural codes, the Democratic Party’s salvation does not lie in outsmarting the people they hope to govern, but in speaking their language. The major difference between Democratic and Republican rhetoric is not “values” but the potency (dare I say virtue?) of the word. The appeal of any political sound bite is in the singularity in meaning and the resultant ease of the word’s comprehension. If the Democrats hope to gain victory, they must explode this autocratic language by using it precisely where the Republicans had intended them not to—in talking points endlessly disseminated by the 24 hour news cycle. The one thing to be learned from the Iraq War is, quite simply, that one may not need the most expensive equipment to win a battle, but one certainly shouldn’t take instructions from sycophants. FC Dave Nagdeman is a senior in the College. You can write to him at nagdeman@sas. LEGAL NOTICE If you rented U-Haul moving equipment from a U-Haul center or independent dealer in the state of Pennsylvania after August 7, 1992, and were charged for a second rental term because you returned the equipment after the scheduled return time but within 24 hours, then you are a member of a Class Action Lawsuit against U-Haul International, Inc, and U-Haul Co. of Pennsylvania (collectively “U-Haul”). You are not being sued. The Class has sued U-Haul for refunds of these charges. As these charges were only applied to people who returned equipment after the scheduled return time, U-Haul believes these charges appropriate and necessary to maintaining its low-cost rentals; U-Haul has denied any wrongdoing or liability. There has not been any determination of the merits of the lawsuit. The Philadelphia Court of Common Pleas has granted a preliminary approval of a settlement between the Plaintiff Class and U-Haul. The settlement provides monetary benefits in the form of refunds of some of the additional rental charges to Class members who submit a valid and timely claim. If you submit a valid and timely claim form, you will receive 75% of the amount you were charged for a second rental term. If the total amount claimed by class members exceeds $250,000.00, each Class member will receive a pro rata share of the settlement amount. Your claim will be subject to research to determine its validity. If the amount claimed is less than $250,000.00, U-Haul will donate the difference to charity. As part of the settlement, counsel for plaintiffs will not seek or receive any fees or expenses in connection with this litigation. A legal notice concerning this lawsuit was published in this newspaper on or about September 30, 2005. If you did not exclude yourself from the Class in response to that earlier notice, you are eligible to participate in the settlement. In order to receive money from the settlement, you must submit a valid Claim Form postmarked on or before December 1, 2006. You may obtain a copy of the settlement agreement and claim form by calling 1-877-745-4148 or by visiting www.U-HAULPennsylvaniaLitigation.com. If you do not submit a Claim Form, you will not receive money, but will be bound by the settlement. If you previously excluded yourself from the Class, you will not be entitled to submit a claim for money, but you will still have the right to file your own lawsuit. If the settlement is finally approved by the Court, you will be bound by the settlement unless you previously excluded yourself from the Class. A final hearing to determine whether the settlement is fair, reasonable and adequate and should be finally approved will be held before the Honorable Mark I. Bernstein, Courtroom 246, City Hall, Philadelphia, PA on January 8, 2007 at 9:30 AM. The final hearing may be continued without further notice. You have the right to appear at the final approval hearing and to object to the settlement. If you wish to do so, you may (but are not required to) give advance notice of your intent to object by mailing, postmarked on or before December 15, 2006, a statement outlining the nature of your objection, addressed to U-Haul Litigation, P O Box 2081, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19103. You can obtain additional information about this lawsuit and your rights by calling 1-877-745-4148 or by visiting www.UHAULPennsylvaniaLitigation.com. You can also call or e-mail any one of plaintiffsʼ three attorneys; Joanna Buchanico – 215-814-6750 – [email protected] Richard D. Greenfield – 410-745-4149 – [email protected] Ann Caldwell – 215-248-2030 [email protected] Do Not Call U-Haul Offices, the Court or the Judge. Reference: Boyle, et al. v. U-Haul International, Ltd., et al., August Term 1998. No 0840 (Court of Common Pleas, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 real girls keep their pants on reality, fiction, and a whole lot of stretch marks Andrew pederson T his last week, the “natural” series of American Apparel advertisements finally went too far. The starkly-lit photo spots, ubiquitous in Philadelphia since the arrival of our very own AA outpost on Walnut Street, use non-professional models to sell a line of retro, functional clothes. The store is what you would expect to see if a Fruit of the Loom truck plowed through a Sherwin Williams store. The ads are what you would see if you went to www.amateurteens.com. This week’s ad certainly qualifies as borderline pornographic, with a chubby girl-next-door lying back in nothing but a pair of black tights, her hands and forearms covering her exposed and badly tanned breasts. The basic, “natural” feel of the ad contrasts sharply with the usual fashion aesthetic of anorexic perfection and presents an interesting and provocative challenge to business as usual. But how successful are they in promoting the “everyday” image of “real” people? The ads do present, in graphic detail, some “normal” people; this is an ostensible attack on the modeling establishment and its superficial ethos of perfection. Indeed, the clothing company states simply on their Web site: “American Apparel values a natural aesthetic when it comes to our clothes as well as our models.” The results are photos which are simple, straightforward and leave as little as possible to the imagination. You can actually see the pimples on Sheily’s ass. The stubble under Natasha’s armpits stands proudly, untouched by razor or overbearing men. Natasha’s thong unitard brashly reveals cheeky dimples and the fine, purple veins crisscrossing the notquite-ass, not-quite-thigh flesh. The style of photography uses close-ups with unidirectional, harsh lighting to create an exaggerated snapshot effect. The photos – shot in banal settings such as bedrooms, cars, on couches, in the shower, in the kitchen – have an ephemeral air which belies FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 their minute detail: rich textures of teeth, lips, hair, tartar, coffee stains, pimples, razor burn, fripples. Nothing is hidden, so it seems. Or rather, everything is brought out. Despite the appearance of naturalness, there is something deeply unsettling about these ads. While it is true that the fashion industry and its destructive tradition of one dimensional representation and exploitative, objectifying gaze over women deserves, even begs, for a challenge, the American Apparel “natural” models fall very short of redefining any visual role, much less introducing a “natural” perspective that eliminates the impossible ideals set forth by previous generations of fashion ads. In spite of everything, it still feels a whole lot like looking at porn. The reasons for this failure are threefold. First, their attempt at “naturalness” merely exchanges one imagistic stereotype for another. The plastic bodies and static smiles of Hollywood are traded in for the wan grin and pudgy stomach of the “average” girl, an image which is just as constructed as any other. When you look at the pictures, the focus is still the physical presence of the model, and she still interacts with the camera to create an ideal space in which the viewer can imagine him or herself. The images, like any other advertisement, invite you to project yourself next to them and see how you stack up. Through their authority as “accurate” images, photographs assert themselves as points of reference from which people will then extrapolate their “needs” as consumers. For the AA ads this is doubly so, since they try so hard to establish themselves as “real.” For porn this is triply true, since people still insist on injecting a plot. Overall, the only things that qualify the AA models as “real” are the photos’ over-attentiveness to detail and their “snapshot” qualities of blurred motion, odd angles and superfluous flash. When one looks past this thin stylistic veneer, the same forms are lurking that haunt the SI Swimsuit Edition. Even if the people in these photo shoots were not models before the shoot, they certainly become models during it and seem to take special relish in overplaying the role. The recurring “seductive” gazes are so seductive they almost reduce the girls eyes to slits, the JapaneseFrench-Canadian sales clerk bites her pinky as if she were lying on some tropical beach, and the erogenous zones are displayed disproportionately compared to other body parts – all the worse since they’re wrapped in a cacophony of cheap-looking colored spandex. And, as always, there are still no grossly obese models, despite the fact that America is overbearingly fat. How “real” can that be? The second reason why these ads fail to present any authentic alternative to the visual lies perpetuated by fashion advertising is that the whole approach is simply part of a clever branding strategy! Instead, these images carefully calibrated to a newly-defined demographic which is categorically opposed to the popular view of “perfect” supermodels. What we are given, rather than the promised authenticity, then, is a constructed “anti-fake” which is negatively defined by the world of Cindy Crawford and Vogue. While the people who model for AA are more diverse and don’t conform to the same rigid aesthetic guidelines as, say, Cosmopolitan, the ads still display a specific kind of person for a specific reason. The kind of person is simply the synthetic antithesis of the supermodel— at the opposite end of the spectrum, to be sure, but a creation with similar anatomy. As stated on their Web site, the AA brand is based on clothes and people which are “natural.” The girls pose in suggestive, unnaturally languid ways that underline the products effect on lifestyle. People who wear these clothes are natural, relaxed, freespirited; the kind of people who would take close-up pictures of themselves in their underwear and not give a shit if millions of people saw. People who don’t wear these clothes, or who value color coordination or use professional models, are “fake” people who push impossible, uncomfortable and discriminatory designs on poor, unsuspecting regular girls. Their alternative is to package the image of the skin blemish and make clothes for the self designated “imperfect.” If body image is so unimportant, then why not eliminate images of the body altogether? Why pursue the hypocrisy of an anti-body-image image of bodies? Why not just make porn? AA is just trying to sell clothes, and their reality is the same as any other retailer’s: shaped by sales. Lastly, the ads in AA are just as sexist and objectifying as any others. “Natural” or not, the most common images are T and A, and female models outnumber males 29 to 3. In any case, Glen’s photo shoot is not nearly as extensive as Lauren’s, and I’ll wager that it gets fewer hits. Even in the ads themselves, sex is a central selling point. I need only cite the series of road trip photos where the girl alternatively takes off her top, sticks her fingers down the front of her pants and then, at the very end, is shown unloading a blanket from the trunk of the car. The numerous girls who do photo spreads on couches or beds are very literally having kinky, contorted sex with invisible people. Honestly, how many shots of somebody’s ass do you need to sell a pair of pants? The way towards a media revolution is not through the creation of an Abercrombie Catalog doppelganger with unattractive people who don’t shave. At least with professional models, we know that they’re fake; the cues are obvious. Here, the marketing strategy is so well designed that the “realness” of the models and the laid back, everyday nature of the products are virtually unquestioned, leaving in place the assumption that other brands are “fake,” uptight and closed minded products of superficial corporations. The girls are accessible in a very naughty way that Claudia Schiffer isn’t. One gets the impression that you might just run into one doing her laundry in a pair of powder blue panties, sitting on top of washing machine with a mischievous grin. Oh, wait. That was a porno movie I saw. Never mind. AA is a wolf in hot pink boy shorts. The images, cunningly made to seem “real” give a new, devious standard of normalcy which is every bit as limiting and sexist as the old one. Girls are made to seem accessible in photos that so resemble the stolen views of errant thongs and inadvertently exposed flesh in public places that it’s scary. These ads are living voyeurism. “Reality” has become just another marketing strategy, and like everybody else who prides themselves in their ability to distinguish “reality” from “advertising” as a discriminating consumer, I am afraid. I am very, very afraid. FC Andrew Pederson is a senior in the College. You can write to him at [email protected]. FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 Bye Bye Miss American Pie This time you’re really gone hirty-five years after Don T McLean’s lamentation in his magnum opus that “something touched [him] deep inside/the day the music died,” it is time to reexamine his idea of the demise of American music. One cannot encapsulate the death of music into one day -- the deaths of Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens (although they were all phenomenal musicians). However, music is dying before our eyes. After the infamous 1959 plane crash that claimed the lives of these three performers, rock music had a renaissance in the 1960s and 1970s, leading to timeless classics that revolutionized rock and roll. However, since this “Golden Age,” music has steadily declined, and the future looks rather bleak. As each musician from the era passes away, music takes a severe, irrecoverable blow; no one is replacing the greats in talent, showmanship, or legendary status. As a disciple of the “most rock that was recorded in the 1960s and 1970s was amazing” music philosophy, I see only a few good things in modern rock music. I try to distance myself from it and indulge in classic music that still conveys a powerful message, years after its release. A few weeks ago, I went to see The Who perform at the Wachovia Center. I’ll admit I was a bit skeptical (after all, half of the original band is six feet under), but the concert turned out to be amazing. These old, worn-down, balding, and beer-bellied guys can still play a damn good rock show. Their command over the audience was unbelievable; during every major song one could sense the enthusiasm and excitement in the air. During the anthem of “Baba O’Riley,” 20,000 people sang in unison with Pete Townshend the famous verse: “Don’t cry, don’t raise your eye; it’s only teenage wasteland.” Many of the older fans seemed to grow younger with each passing song, almost as if they were returning to their teenage years through the music. Then Roger Daltry and Pete Townshend stole the show, with micro10 FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 Al Moran phone swinging and windmill-guitar-playing antics. These guys are pretty old, but the vigor with which they played, sung, and jumped around the stage was truly an amazing sight. I expect to see even greater talent in a few weeks, when Eric Clapton will play to a sold-out crowd. A major selling point for these shows is nostalgia; people come to see legends and quickly realize that these legends are just as amazing as they were in their “prime.” An instructive encounter with modern rock occurred at the concert. A “band” (a group who produced tremendously annoying and primitive noise) named “Peeping Tom” opened for The Who. They might well have been the single biggest musical atrocity that I have ever witnessed. This “Linkin Park alternative”/ death metal/rap hybrid played about six songs, all involving basically the same drum patterns and guitar riff. Urging fans to “wave your fucking finger in the air” the lead singer sang the meaningful and melodious lyrics of “Now roll it up and smoke it again/ now light me up and snort it again/ now fix me up and shoot in again/I can’t believe I did it again.” At least when the Beatles encouraged drug usage, they did so creatively, like in “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Check out Peeping Tom’s Myspace. It will give you a good laugh. Amazingly, these guys have 22,000 friends. Whoever let them open for The Who should be shot. Many older fans brought kids to this concert, and this is what they saw from the get-go. After about six songs the booing became too overwhelming, and “Peeping Tom” was basically forced to resign the stage. Since many musicians of the 1960s era are dead today because of drugs and other unfortunate lifestyle choices, I often have to resort to DVDs and recordings to “see” concerts; of course, the infectious crowd energy isn’t there, but the quality of the music and the passion of the performers most definitely are. The virtuosity of these musicians compared to the pop radio rock today is laughable. Most bands today build songs around a catchy lyric or a popular sequence of power chords. The rest of the song, put simply, is garbage. Difficult guitar solos become rarer, and bass solos are basically nonexistent. Drum lines are simple at best. Bands seem more concerned with image than talent, and are preoccupied with wearing eye shadow, singing in a sickeningly high and whiny voice, and wearing tight jeans. Gone are the intricate musical displays, and poetic lyrics with meaning deeper than “Oh-myGod-my-life-is-the-worst/my-girlfriend-cheated-on-me/I-might-aswell-kill-myself ”refrains. Lead singers often take an active stance on politics, urging a liberal mentality, when they often know little more about politics than the thirteen-year-olds whom they try to indoctrinate. Are they trying to become modern-age Bob Dylans or Joan Baezs or Janis Joplins? Possibly. Unfortunately, they’re not wellread, and they do not even find creative ways to express viewpoints. However, rock bands will only produce what their fans demand of them, and if “emotional” upper middle class white boys and girls will “rebel against the man” by dressing against the status quo and condemning the government, so be it. I suppose the most fundamental questions one can ask are, “Will anyone remember these ephemeral songs and bands 25, 50 years from now? Will their current fans care? Will anybody care?” Music is a business governed by money instead of talent and passion. Unfortunately, “Peeping Tom” is not an isolated example in modern music. For now, classic rock fans can still see some of their musical heroes perform live. The same musicians who wrote amazing lyrics 30 years ago perform their songs today with the same skill and emotion. However, as time moves on, age will invariably take its toll. Before too long, all that will remain of our beloved classic rock musicians will be videos and recordings, not to be replaced by anyone in our generation. FC Al Moran is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at moranaf@sas. the beer chronicles freshmen discover drinking kiley austin-young 1. If you genuinely believe the weekend starts on Wednesday and proclaim such absurdities as “Wednesday is the new Thursday.” 2. If every night of drinking requires at least half the next day to reassemble the tiny pieces of the relationships you shattered while drunk. 3. If you find yourself consistently using the phrase, “I’m really sorry for what I did. I don’t remember seeing you last night.” 4. If your main goal in attending a football game is to get drunk and start a fight with someone supporting the other team. And by other, you mean either. It really doesn’t matter. 5. If you subscribe to the maxim “drunk words are sober thoughts” in order to be able to publicly insult people and take pride in your “candor” while slurring Malcolm X quotes: “I’ve had enough of someone else’s propaganda. I’m for truth, no matter who tells it. I’m for justice, no matter who it’s for or against.” God, if only everyone was as morally upstanding as me, you think. and not “Mickey D’s or some shit.” 10. If you pregame at Hillel. 11. If you recently had a drunken heart to heart with the security guard because everyone else had gone to bed by 7:30am. 12. If you decline plans with friends because you just have “soooo much drinking to do.” 13. If you find breaking an empty forty on the cement the best stress reliever ever. 14. If you think any man who won’t freeball under his costume for the toga party is a total pussy. 15. If your rib still hurts from that drunken fight last weekend. But it’s totally cool because “it doesn’t even hurt to breathe anymore.” 16. If you agree that if you had a chance to eat dinner with Bill Clinton, Tucker Max or Frank Kelly Rich, you would totally choose one of the latter. 17. If you can’t walk in any direction without running into a girl you slept with while drunk. 18. If it takes you more than fifteen seconds to realize where you are in the morning. 19. If you recently experimented with absurd alcoholic combinations, such as Sake and Jack Daniels or Merlot and Captain Morgan’s. It may be nasty, but you insist: “It all ends up in the same place anyways. Don’t be an alcohol snob. Tool.” 20. If you really just can’t fucking stand being sober. FC Kiley Austin-Young is a freshman in the College.You can write to him at kileya@sas. 6. If you are known not by name but by actions you perpetrated while drunk. For instance, “the guy who started that huge fight” or “the guy who was ass naked in Harvard Square” or simply “the guy who peed in <insert extremely public place>”. 7. If you invite a girl back to your place for a bottle of wine mainly for the wine. 8. If you insist that you’re not really drinking. This is only wine. A wine drunk is “different.” 9. If you gave a homeless man twenty bucks with the stipulation that he would spend it on booze FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 11 Death be not sober: Jackass Speaks An interview with Johnny Knoxville, Unfortunately I ’m not exactly what you would call a risk-taker. I look both sides before crossing the street and I never talk to strangers, particularly in West Philly. Yet perhaps it is my rather benign lifestyle that allows me to appreciate those who truly live life to the fullest. On this list of freestyle adventurists are Jackass stars Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera – two goofballs not only willing to go out on a limb, but to balance on the very end of the limb and flip golf carts over it. Flipping gold carts is of course, dangerous, and not surprisingly, Knoxville and Margera have garnered quite a reputation for their crazy and wild stunts. Yet while parents and politicians have tried beating down the door, looking to chastise these evil hooligans for infecting the youth of America with a riotous spirit, Jackass fans have called out for more. And more is what they got – especially now with the release of a second full-length movie, Jackass 2. When I heard the stars were in town to promote this new outrageous comedy, I jumped at the chance to meet them. There’s nothing like the kings of outrage to add a little risk to my life. The interview takes place at the pristine Four Seasons hotel downtown, a seemingly incongruous location to host stars famous for stapling their balls to their thighs. Even more incongruous is the immediate setting for the interview: a deliciously posh suite about 10 times the size of my claustrophobia-inducing dorm room. A buffet table is carefully laid out with gourmet desserts, coffee and sparkling water. I can’t imagine that the order will remain once Knoxville and Margera pass through. I’ve just helped myself to a heaping portion of chocolate-covered strawberries when a strange woman in a blue dress and wedge heels totters in. She looks around briefly— probably checking out my gluttonous portion of strawberries—and with a flourish announces, “Here’s Johnny!” Finally. 12 FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 Kate Bracaglia Enter Johnny Knoxville. He wears all black except for a pair of blue and yellow striped socks. A black bowler derby sits atop his head. He glances at the dessert table with disgust and asks, “Where’s the mini bar?” before plopping down on the couch, feet on the coffee table. The strange woman reappears with two beers for Knoxville. He opens both, double-fisting with skill that would put SAE to shame. There’s nervous laughter, and Jackass co-star Bam Margera stumbles in. Knoxville whoops. “Here comes Bam; he’s famous!” he exclaims. Bam wears head-to-toe black as well, except for bright purple Doc Martens and a sparkly silver scarf draped around his neck. He reclines next to Knoxville, who graciously hands him a beer. The interview begins. “So, Johnny, what’s up with the sunglasses?” I immediately ask, noticing he dons aviators despite the dimly-lit atmosphere. He laughs. “I’m always hung over,” he replies. “But it’s nothing a beer and some sunglasses can’t fix.” Another journalist poses the question: “I heard you guys drink a lot of Miller High Life. Is that the inspiration for most of your stunts?” Margera replies right away. “For me, I’d say it’s red wine on an airplane,” he remarks, seemingly unaware of the oddness of this statement. Knoxville appears to ponder this for a second. “I’d say…scotch, amphetamines and ignorance,” he finally decides. The journalist pursues. “Is there anything you guys won’t do?” she asks. Knoxville shakes his head. “I think at one point, there used to be a line, but we just keep drawing over it.” Margera is in agreement. “Yeah, I mean, I got 15 stitches on my head one time, and that wasn’t even on Jackass.” Knoxville snorts, “Yeah, it was on amphetamines.” But Margera insists on explaining. “No...I wanted to dive into this lake and my friend told me it was 15 feet deep, but really, it was only 2 feet deep...and I dove in headfirst.” “Didn’t you notice it wasn’t 15 feet?” counters an incredulous Knoxville. No wonder these guys are on TV; their repartee is hilarious. Margera shrugs. “It was dark.” An awkward silence ensues. I decide to break it. “So, Bam,” I ask, “when you play Tony Hawk (Underground for Sony PlayStation), do you play as yourself?” I mean this question to be light-hearted, but Margera answers with complete seriousness. “I play as Geoff Rowley,” he reveals. “He’s better than me. Besides, I play with myself all the time,” he adds with a smile. Another question is asked - “Do you get recognized often in West Chester?” Margera nods. “Yeah dude. The other day I pulled up in my lambo (Lamborghini) and this guy walks up to me and goes ‘Fuckin’ Fag’ and takes off down Church Street.” He grins. “Luckily, I knew there was like a 3-minute light there so I take off down the street after him and roll up next to him and I’m like, ‘I fucked your girlfriend this morning, so I’m at least bisexual. Stay jealous!’ Then I rolled away.” “What about those West Chester University kids? What’s the deal with them?” Margera’s face fills with passion. “I hate those fuckin’ frat motherfuckers,” he replies, voice rising in intensity. “They’re always trying to steal the alligator (statue) from the High Street Café (in West Chester) for like events and shit. But the guy who works there, he’s my man, and I told him about (the attempted theft) so he covered the alligator with WD40 and put some string on it and shit so if those fuckers try to steal it will be slippery and fall on their head and shit. But I hate those motherfuckers. They always do stuff like throw refrigerators on my lawn and I have to deal with it.” Margera is getting angry, so I don’t press. Time for a subject change. “I heard there’s a Jackass video-game coming out,” I venture. “What can we expect from that?” “We’re still working on it,” replies Knoxville. “But hopefully it will be a pretty good presentation of the show.” “What can we expect from Jackass 2?” asks another girl. Knoxville smiles; clearly, this is the question he was waiting for. “This movie is just everyone going crazy from top to cunnilingus bottom,” he describes. I make a mental note of his use of cunnilingus as an adjective. “Maybe like 30 minutes from the first one would have made it into this one,” he continues. “It’s fucking insane.” “Speaking of insane, whatever happened to the guy in the first movie who took off running when you fell through the air ducts, pretending to be diamond thieves?” asks a colleague, clearly remembering the quintessential Jackass moment from the first film. Knoxville chuckles. “That dude was totally flipping his shit. We found him like four blocks away in a supermarket, huddling in the back aisle near the freezers. He was going totally crazy and muttering stuff about people falling through the ceiling. It took us like 10 minutes to explain to him that we were filming.” “So do you think there will be a Jackass 3?” presses another journalist. Margera replies: “If there’s a Jackass 3, I think we will die.” “Word,” echoes Knoxville. “We said there would be no Jackass 2, and then we shot it anyway. But I had so much fun shooting it that I got permission to shoot for two more weeks in November, so who knows.” Margera gives him a look. “November might be your time to die,” he responds seriously. Somehow I can’t see the fear of death stopping these two. Neither can anyone else, apparently. “Is there anything you guys are afraid of?” asks one girl finally. “Bulls,” says Margera. “And snakes.” I laugh, inquiring, “so what did you think of Snakes on a Plane?” “Fuck Snakes on a Plane,” he barks. “What’s next, fucking Bees in the Shitter? Fucking Turtles on a Bus? Fuck that shit.” Time for another subject change. “How did you feel about Steve Irwin’s death?” I ask, racking my brain for recent events. Knoxville looks momentarily despondent. “It sucks,” he laments. “I fucking love that guy. But it’s a pretty gnarly way to go out, pulling a stingray out of your heart.” I have to agree. “Has Irwin’s death changed your outlook when it comes to taking risks?” asks another reporter. Yeah, right, I think. “No,” replies Knoxville casually. “We know what can happen, and we knew before his death.” The woman in the blue dress and heels reappears warning us to wrap it up. A journalist from Drexel gets the last question. “In the trailer for Jackass 2, you feature negative reviews from critics. Are you affected by what critics think?” he inquires. “No,” retorts Knoxville. “We don’t give a fuck about the critics. We started the show because we just wanted to entertain each other and have fun. We’re just glad we get to fly around and act obnoxious and have other people pay for our beer.” Sounds like the life to me. FC Kate Bracaglia is a Senior in the College. You can write to her at katiej@sas. El Azteca Mexican Restaurant College Student Special! Monday - Tuesday Wednesday Buy 1 pitcher of our FAMOUS margarita mix... And get 1 pitcher free! There is an $8.00 food minimum per person For parties of 7 or more. B.Y.O.B. 714 Chestnut St. Center City (215) 733-0895 FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 13 first call dispatch: australia australia vs. west philly: go abroad or die trying becky haendel vs. andrew pederson Australia, Land of Sunshine! First Memories! When I first arrived at Trinity, I immediately felt like I had moved in to Hogwarts. Hanging in my closet was the newest addition to my wardrobe: a black academic gown (i.e., my Harry Potter robe). I didn’t have to wait long to flaunt this new look because the Dean of the college requested that the 30 exchange students, including five other Penn students, and I attend the welcome ceremony. We congregated in the junior common room (JCR) where we were greeted by the staff, attempted to sing the Trinity song, and officially became part of the community upon signing the Trinity book. Assassin Game! During the middle of a cheer, I noticed a shiny gold sticker on my shoulder and realized that I had been “killed.” In an effort to raise money for charity, the community service group at Trinity organized a game of assassins. Within only a few days of the game I was dead, but I enjoyed meeting new people and even “killing” a friend. Parties! One of the best parties was the Trinity Ball, which lasted until five in the morning! The theme was opulence, and opulent it was! The party was at a really chic club with a huge dance floor, open bar, and heaps of lounge areas with comfy couches. A few friends from other colleges came and joined us for a long night of dancing, drinking and heaps of crazy pictures. Music! When it comes to music, however, Trinity is often number one. A month ago I enjoyed a relaxing evening listening to classical, jazz and contemporary music at the intercollegiate soiree, a competition with the different colleges. A friend from my hall played a beautiful piece on the violin, contributing to a Trinity sweep of all categories! Mascot! I particularly enjoy when our Trinity mascot dressed in a green, red, and white striped joker costume leads us in cheers. 14 FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 philadelphia, land of aggravated assault. First Memories. My first night at Penn, I felt exactly like I had come to summer camp. A big, alcoholic summer camp with rich people. Somebody had been nice enough to stock my wardrobe with the mysterious gift of a couple of skimpy, sparkly numbers with lots of slits and sequins (like my Tina Turner Halloween costume). Assassin Game. While I was stumbling back from “New Thursdays” at Smokes, I noticed a tiny red stain on my chest and realized that my wallet was no longer there. The West Philly community group “Gimme Yo Money, Mutha Fucka!” had apparently organized a meet and greet to raise money for the crack-impaired. I enjoyed meeting my new friend, but then I was dead! Parties. One of the best events was the Beer…..thing, at…..that guys house, which lasted all the way until……uh….until…..well there was this girl, and … shit…well a long time. I woke up in a flower bed. The party was…. pretty ……cool, I guess. There was beer, and heaps of beered up people waiting for…beer. Man, if that recruiter from Goldman Sachs sees those photos on mini feed, I’m screwed! Music. Penn’s music is second to none! Remember IQRAM? Huh? IQRAM!! You know, IQRAM! Well fuck you, you fucking Freshman. What do you know anyway? You probably spent a “relaxing evening” last night inside your dorm room listening to some smooth jazz crap. I’ll bet you even play the violin. Tool. Mascot. I particularly enjoy when our house mascot, Buddy McToke, dressed in rumpled, unwashed clothes, leads us to WaWa at 2 am in search of Tasty Kake. ...Land of Sunshine continued! ...Land of Aggravated Assault continued. Fine Dining! Fine Dining. Extracurricular Activities! Extracurricular Activities. Every night the 300 Trinity students gather in the dining hall for dinner. The room is filled with old wooden tables and chairs, portraits of famous people and previous Trinity residents, and a high table covered in a white table cloth, glass pitchers, and decadent silverware for the administrators. On Sunday through Wednesday night I partake in the traditional formal dinner where we all dress in our academic gowns and share the day’s highlights. Now just imagine a room full of black gowns with huge sleeves (I swear another person could fit inside mine!) and a mixture of students from all over the world and you can begin to understand my dinner routine. While it is hard to describe a typical day or weekend at Trinity, there are often footy games, movie nights, parties in the JCR and much more to keep us busy. Last Tuesday night I huddled under blankets with friends to watch the scary Australian movie “Wolf Creek” about backpackers in the outback. Most of the movie was spent with the guys trying to scare us resulting in heaps (my new favorite Aussie word!) of screaming and some girls even sprinting out of the room. Highlights! While it is difficult to decide on a favorite Trinity moment, the gala night and Trinity ball were definitely two highlights. Gala night was a Friday night spent in a cocktail dress sipping wine and eating sushi in the JCR before watching the Trinity musical with everyone from Trinity. A friend from Penn, Marc, joined the cast who sang and danced phenomenally. Afterwards we went to a club for the after party and celebrated their exceptional performance. Becky Haendel is a junior studying abroad in Melbourne, Australia. You can write to her at bhaendel@wharton. The dining hall is always packed with hundreds of hungry Pennsters lining up for pizza, hamburgers and the nightly special. Pizza and hamburgers every night of the week? You bet! They even put out green plastic crates FULL of glasses that you can refill with as MUCH soda as you WANT! Monday through Sunday, students dress up as hung-over middle aged consultants in sweat suits and see who can jam the conveyor belt with the most uneaten food. Just imagine a room full of unkempt, wasteful people stumbling around in MC hammer pants. I swear you could fit a whole other person in those sweatpants! Throw in a jappy cat fight at the salad bar and you can just imagine my nightly routine! Every day at Penn is so different. What with the B’s at APB and the morning W to the DRL with a stop off at Steiny-D to play footy with Professor Econ-Fox. Last week we huddled underneath her desk to do the scary “Multiple Oral Regression,” which involves more breath control than a scuba dive. Most of the time, she kept trying to scare me, resulting in heaps of water-marked homework papers. One time, I even had to run out of the room for an extra towel! Highlights. There have been so many great moments here, but Kappa Alpha Qdoba’s semi formal and that dog that drinks beer were definitely two highlights. Semi formal was spent spilling beer on cocktail dresses and stuffing as many appetizers into my pockets as possible. Lucy had a few too many and joined the DJ in some kind of…. “dance”. Afterwards we had to follow her out back and pry her out of the back of a van. The DJ didn’t seem to mind; he kept muttering something about “exceptional performance.” Oh, and then Ruff ’s McDrunk came and puked all over everything! Fuck, that dog is awesome, man! Andrew Pederson is a senior in the College. You can write to him at awl@sas. FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 15 Recruiting: Do You sizzle or fizzle? Lauren Saul And Anna stetsovskaya Hot not pregame • Removing “rhyming groinage with coinage” and other interests from facebook profile. • Going private on facebook. the schmooze • Flirting mercilessly with the recruiter. • Writing the names of friends too busy drinking like fish at sink-or-swim on the sign-in sheet at your 50th company presentation. • Turning those elbows into torpedoes to keep others out of the suck-up circle. • Perfect handwriting: Sebastian Jonathan Crawford III. Major: Finance, Accounting. Class: 2009. Just practicing. dreams cut short • “not invited.” • “Unfortunately, you have not been preselected.” pearly gate #1 • Popping the Katzenbach Partners free mints like there’s no tomorrow. • Classy initialing. • Bacardi breath at 11AM. Coughing up a hairball. • Lingering to scope out your competition, their middle initials, and their majors. the look • Red power tie. • Biting the kid next to you in the waiting room. • Clasped, manicured hands. Fake smile plastered on face. • Having an Herbal Essences moment before the big interview. • Red power thong. • Asking him if Bank of America called him back, too, or if that’s just me. • Carrying an interview cheat sheet and noisily shuffling it until C-40 opens. • Sweatstains the shape of Africa. handshake • The bone-breaking power grip. • A floppy, perspiring fish somewhere between the fourth & second circles of hell • Let’s talk about manholes. • How do you value this company? • Toting the ubiquitous garment bag over a wellsculpted shoulder. • Let’s talk about why you think you belong at our firm. • What’s 0.31% of 382? • Triumphantly clacking flip-flops through Huntsman in that slamtastic suit. things to do on the internet ACROSS 2. Take a ______ test, and see if you’re introverted or just plain misanthropic 3. Send a bunch of ______ to your mom’s screen name in drunk-type 6. Write on your ____ about details of your day that nobody cares about 7. Spend three hours stalking your high school crush on ______ 9. Check for your grades on _____, only to find that it is down again 11. ____ into the CIA website and get blacklisted from America 12. Break up with your boyfriend in an _____ 14 :) :( ;) :’( :*) 17. Try to figure out the 6-letter word on ______ 19. Update your AIM _____ with an incredibly witty quote, keyboard art, or perhaps your school and year of graduation! DOWN 1. _______ the latest Ben Folds CD 2. Find some free _____ and jerk off 4. Find your future _____ on Jdate if you’re of the tribe, or match.com if you’re into Dr. Phil 5. Auction “It” off on ______, and hope your girlfriend never finds “It” 16 FIRST CALL OCTOBER 2, 2006 under the bed again 8 . Get a job on _______ 10. _____ yourself and see what kinds of site mentions will keep you from being President someday 13. Check out the latest video of a fat kid pretending to be Darth Vader on_____ 15. Have ______ with someone you met in a chat room – you’ve got needs, after all 16. Talk to your abroad friends for free over _____ 18. Rack up daddy’s credit card bill by doing some _______. 21. Get out your gambling urges and play some online _____ while it’s still legal 22. _____ your sins to your Google group before Yom Kippur starts 23. Add your name to a ______ being sent to Congress about an issue you know nothing about 24. Start a Facebook _____ dedicated to shutting down Facebook – all the cool kids are doing it 20. Go on hotornot.com and give ugly people really high _____ to make them feel good