File - Maurice Emmanuel Parent

BASED ON THE FILM WRITTEN BY
MUSIC AND LYRICS BY
DIRECTED BY
DANIEL WATERS
KEVIN MURPHY & LAURENCE O'KEEFE
ANDY FICKMAN
Andy Cohen
Andy Fickman J. Todd Harris Kevin Murphy Laurence O’Keefe
Jamie Bendell Bruce Bendell Scott Benson Scott Prisand
Amy Powers
Hasty Pudding Presents
AND
Big Block Entertainment
Bernard Abrams & Michael Speyer/StageVentures Evan Todd
Katie Leary/Vineyard Point Productions Bill Prady Karen J. Lauder RJ Hendricks
PRESENT
1. BEAUTIFUL
2. CANDY STORE
3. FIGHT FOR ME
4. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN
5. BIG FUN
6. DEAD GIRL WALKING
7. THE ME INSIDE OF ME
8. BLUE
BOOK, MUSIC, AND LYRICS BY
9. OUR LOVE IS GOD
Kevin Murphy & Laurence O’Keefe
10. MY DEAD GAY SON
Based on the film written by
Daniel Waters
11. SEVENTEEN
starring
Daniel Cooney Anthony Crivello Dan Domenech Michelle Duffy Jon Eidson Cait Fairbanks Rachel Flynn
Molly Hager Charissa Hogeland Katie Ladner Alice Lee Ryan McCartan Elle McLemore AJ Meijer
Matthew Schatz Dustin Sullivan Evan Todd Barrett Wilbert Weed Jessica Keenan Wynn
SCENIC DESIGN
COSTUME DESIGN
Timothy R. Mackabee
Amy Clark
HAIR/WIG/MAKEUP DESIGN
GENERAL MANAGEMENT
Roy Gabay Productions
•
FIGHT DIRECTORS
Rick Sordelet &
Christian Kelly-Sordelet
PRESS REPRESENTATIVE
PRODUCTION MANAGEMENT
Daniel Kuney
AKA
Vivacity Media Group
Juniper Street Productions, Inc.
PRODUCTION STAGE MANAGER
COMPANY MANAGER
Ritchard Druther
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Jonny Massena
Sheila Guthrie, C.S.A. &
Suzanne Goddard-Smythe, C.S.A.
ADVERTISING & MARKETING
SOUND DESIGN
Jason Lyons
CASTING DIRECTORS
Leah Loukas
LIGHTING DESIGN
HIPZEE
Denise Di Novi
ARRANGEMENTS & ORCHESTRATIONS
Laurence O’Keefe & Ben Green
IN ASSOCIATION WITH
Lakeshore Entertainment
Music Director
Dominick Amendum
Choreography
Marguerite Derricks
DIRECTed by
Andy Fickman
YellowSoundLabel.com HeathersTheMusical.com @heathersmusical
Album produced by Michael Croiter, Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe.
©®2014 Yellow Sound Label. All rights reserved.
Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable law.
Mandy Tate
12. SHINE A LIGHT
13. LIFEBOAT
14. SHINE A LIGHT (REPRISE)
15. KINDERGARTEN BOYFRIEND
16. YO GIRL
17. MEANT TO BE YOURS
18. DEAD GIRL WALKING (REPRISE)
19. I AM DAMAGED
20. SEVENTEEN (REPRISE)
Greetings and salutations
from Daniel Waters, writer
of the 1989 film Heathers
The 80’s. Musically, Katrina and the Waves told you to Walk on Sunshine and Wang Chung beckoned everyone to Wang Chung
tonight. Movies about the young were pink and silly and told you that “when you grow up, your heart dies.” I hit the piñata of maggots dangling above the decade with my little script Heathers, doing my darndest to bring some refreshing darkness and insanity
to the party, along with the warm message that “your heart dies when you’re twelve.” It was fun.
Now it’s the 21st century and the world is dark and insane and a little dull. The nobility of brutal satire has been hijacked by the
easy cheesiness of snark. With their glorious musical version of Heathers, Kevin Murphy, Laurence O’Keefe, and Andy Fickman
brilliantly realize that to be subversive in the now, it takes something more original and interesting than more darkness. These giddy
and astonishing songs are not afraid to bring out the bleak when necessary, but there is wonder and catharsis here. Who knew
pure joy could be the most shocking artistic weapon of them all?
Synopsis
ACT I: 1989. Sherwood, Ohio. First day of senior year at Westerberg High, a jungle
of competition and cruelty. Brainy misfit Veronica Sawyer writes in her diary about
how once she and her classmates were young, hopeful and acted “Beautiful.” Her
big break comes in the bathroom when she rescues the reigning trio of popular
girls from detention with her forgery skills. The three girls, all named Heather, allow
Veronica to sit with them at lunch, give her a makeover, and rewrite her high school
destiny. By torturing Veronica’s longtime best friend, Martha “Dumptruck” Dunnstock,
the Heathers teach a reluctant Veronica how to make the world her “Candy Store.” A
shadowy, sardonic new student, Jason Dean (J.D.), watches the manipulative popular
kids with scorn. When he cautions Veronica to look after her soul, he is accosted by
football players Ram and Kurt. As J.D. wipes the floor with them, Veronica drools and
wonders if he might ever “Fight for Me.”
That evening, en route to the big homecoming party, Veronica runs into J.D. again at the
local convenience store. They flirt, and J.D. convinces Veronica to “Freeze Her Brain”
with a sugary frozen drink. At the party, an extravagant kegger with no parents in sight
(“Big Fun”), Martha is bullied by the Heathers. Veronica defends Martha, enraging
Heather Chandler, who declares Veronica persona non grata at school on Monday.
Realizing she is now a “Dead Girl Walking,” Veronica seeks comfort in J.D.’s arms.
The next morning Veronica goes to kiss Heather Chandler’s aerobicized ass and apologize. J.D. fixes Heather a very special hangover cure involving drain cleaner which
Veronica accidentally gives to Heather, killing her. To cover up their crime, Veronica
and J.D. fake a suicide note from Heather. The note catches on like wildfire. Everyone
at school mistakenly believes Heather’s vicious exterior concealed a kinder, gentler
soul (“The Me Inside of Me”). In death, Heather is more popular than ever.
That night, Veronica receives a phone call from a panicky Heather McNamara, begging her to come to the local cemetery—quick! Veronica arrives, only to discover the
Heathers are using her as a decoy to divert the amorous attentions of drunk Kurt and
Ram. The inebriated jocks make a clumsy attempt at seduction (“Blue”), but Veronica
tricks them into drinking until they pass out. The next morning, power-hungry Heather
Duke moves to replace Heather Chandler as Westerberg’s Queen Bee. She attacks
Veronica by spreading false gossip that Veronica had a three-way with Kurt and Ram
in the cemetery. Veronica suddenly finds herself slut-shamed by the entire student
body. J.D. and Veronica plot revenge by staging Ram and Kurt’s fake suicide, brought
about by their “gay forbidden love.” J.D. lies to Veronica and Ram and Kurt’s fake
suicide becomes a real murder. Veronica is forced to face the monster she’s created
in J.D. when he insists “Our Love Is God.” End of Act I.
ACT II: At Kurt and Ram’s funeral, J.D. assures Veronica that Sherwood will be a
healthier environment now that the most popular and toxic kids are gone. The fathers
CAST
of Kurt and Ram misinterpret the deaths of their jock sons as a brave gesture of
love and defiance (“My Dead Gay Son”). Nobody is more surprised than Veronica
when the funeral-goers embrace tolerance. Does this prove J.D. was right? Veronica,
unconvinced, demands that J.D. hang up his six-guns. Can’t they just be “Seventeen?” Like normal kids? He promises to change. Meanwhile, fearing teenage suicide
has become a popular fad, hippie teacher Ms. Fleming holds an assembly to urge
the students to “Shine A Light” on their deepest fears and shame. The painfully
clueless Heather McNamara takes the bait and blurts out that she’s thought about
killing herself to escape the treacherous “Lifeboat” of high school life. After a brutal
humiliation by Heather Duke (“Shine A Light (Reprise)”), Heather McNamara runs to
the bathroom and tries to overdose on sleeping pills. Veronica knocks the pills out of
McNamara’s mouth, saving her life and earning a real friend.
Martha, who has been in love with Ram for years, refuses to believe that Ram and
Kurt were tragic, secret gay lovers. She suspects J.D. and asks Veronica for help
searching his locker. Knowing that J.D. would kill Martha if he knew she was on to
him, Veronica saves Martha’s life by cruelly shattering her illusions about her “Kindergarten Boyfriend.” Veronica realizes J.D. has no intention to stop the violence, so
she breaks up with him. The gesture comes too late to help the despondent Martha,
who throws herself from a bridge holding a suicide note.
Veronica’s conscience takes the form of a Greek chorus of dead teenagers (Heather
Chandler, Kurt and Ram). They warn her, “Yo Girl”— getting dumped has lathered up
J.D. into a murderous rage. J.D. shows up at Veronica’s house and reveals his plan to
bomb the entire high school during that afternoon’s pep rally, and demands Veronica
be his date to the conflagration, since he was “Meant to Be Yours.” Veronica fakes
her own suicide to escape him. J.D., despairing and insane, vows to finish his work
alone, but Veronica follows him to the school to stop him and save her classmates
(“Dead Girl Walking (Reprise)”). J.D. plants a bomb in the boiler room but is interrupted by Veronica. They fight over J.D.’s gun and it goes off, shooting J.D. Veronica
takes the bomb and lugs it out to the football field alone, accepting her own imminent
death. But a mortally wounded J.D. reappears. He refuses to let Veronica kill herself,
insisting that the high school will never change for the better unless she is there to
make it happen. J.D. takes the bomb and dies in the explosion. Veronica takes charge
of the high school, dethrones Heather Duke, re-befriends Martha, and invites Heather
McNamara to join her in making the school a better place. It’s not too late to be kind
(“I Am Damaged”/“Seventeen (Reprise)”).
- Kevin Murphy & Deirdre Murphy
Veronica Sawyer......................................BARRETT WILBERT WEED
Jason “J.D.” Dean................................................ RYAN McCARTAN
Heather Chandler.......................................JESSICA KEENAN WYNN
Heather McNamara.............................................. ELLE McLEMORE
Heather Duke.................................................................ALICE LEE
Martha Dunnstock................................................... KATIE LADNER
Kurt Kelly..................................................................... EVAN TODD
Ram Sweeney............................................................. JON EIDSON
New Wave Party Girl..................................... CHARISSA HOGELAND
Young Republicanette............................................CAIT FAIRBANKS
Stoner Chick........................................................... RACHEL FLYNN
Beleaguered Geek............................................... DUSTIN SULLIVAN
Hipster Dork /Officer McCord................................ DAN DOMENECH
Preppy Stud /Officer Milner.............................................AJ MEIJER
Ram’s Dad/Big Bud Dean/Coach Ripper ......... ANTHONY CRIVELLO
Kurt’s Dad/Veronica’s Dad/Principal Gowan........... DANIEL COONEY
Veronica’s Mom/Ms. Fleming...............................MICHELLE DUFFY
ORCHESTRA
Conductor/Keyboard: DOMINICK AMENDUM
Guitars: AUSTIN MOORHEAD
Bass: STEVE GILEWSKI
Drums: GREG JOSEPH
Trumpet/Flugelhorn: JOHN DENT
Reeds: STEVE LYON
Violin: VICTORIA PATERSON
Orchestrations by Laurence O’Keefe and Ben Green
Music Direction by Dominick Amendum
Produced by Michael Croiter, Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe
Recording Engineer - Isaiah Abolin
Edited by Michael Croiter
Mixed by Douglas Derryberry
Mastered by Michael Fossenkemper
Keyboard Programming by Taylor Williams
Additional Sound Effects designed by Jonny Massena
Recorded at MSR, NYC
Edited and Mixed at Yellow Sound Lab, NYC
Photography by Chad Batka
Album Art Direction by Asaf Shakham
Heathers The Musical opened at New World Stages on March 31st, 2014
1. BEAUTIFUL
VERONICA
September 1, 1989. Dear Diary: I believe I’m a good
person. Ya know, I think that there’s good in everyone, but
here we are, first day of senior year. I look around at all
these kids I’ve known all my life and I ask myself: What
happened?
KIDS
FREAK! SLUT! BURNOUT! BUG-EYES! POSER! LARD-ASS!
VERONICA
WE WERE SO TINY, HAPPY AND SHINY,
PLAYING TAG AND GETTING CHASED.
KIDS
FREAK! SLUT! CRIPPLE!
HOMO! HOMO! HOMO!
VERONICA
THINGS WILL GET BETTER
SOON AS MY LETTER
COMES FROM HARVARD, DUKE OR BROWN.
WAKE FROM THIS COMA,
TAKE MY DIPLOMA,
THEN I CAN BLOW THIS TOWN.
DREAM OF IVY-COVERED WALLS
AND SMOKY FRENCH CAFÉS...
VERONICA
Again? Don’t you have it memorized by now?
KIDS
I WANT HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MARTHA
What can I say? I’m a sucker for a happy ending.
VERONICA
And Heather Chandler. The Almighty.
KURT
Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!
KIDS
I NEED HEATHER, HEATHER...
(KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA’S hands)
VERONICA
She is a mythic bitch. They are solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.
VERONICA
Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the
football team. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.
(Veronica jostles Ram Sweeney)
(furious, to KURT) Hey! Pick that up
right now!
KIDS
FREAK! SLUT! LOSER! SHORTBUS!
RAM
WATCH IT!
KURT
I’m sorry, are you actually talking to me?
VERONICA
SINGING AND CLAPPING,
LAUGHING AND NAPPING,
BAKING COOKIES, EATING PASTE.
VERONICA
FIGHT THE URGE TO STRIKE A MATCH
AND SET THIS DUMP ABLAZE!
(Ram upends Veronica’s lunch tray)
VERONICA
Yeah, I am. Yeah, I wanna know what gives you the right to
pick on my friend? You’re a high school has-been waiting
to happen. A future gas station attendant.
KIDS
BULL-DYKE! STUCK-UP! HUNCHBACK!
RAM
Ooooops.
KURT
...You got a zit right there.
VERONICA
THEN WE GOT BIGGER.
THAT WAS THE TRIGGER,
LIKE THE HUNS INVADING ROME—
VERONICA
Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker.
And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and BEING A
HUGE DICK.
VERONICA
Sorry!
WELCOME TO MY SCHOOL,
THIS AIN’T NO HIGH SCHOOL:
THIS IS THE THUNDERDOME.
HOLD YOUR BREATH
AND COUNT THE DAYS,
WE’RE GRADUATING SOON.
RAM
What did you say to me, skank?
VERONICA & KIDS
(variously)
Dear Diary:
WHY DO THEY HATE ME?
WHY DON’T I FIGHT BACK?
WHY DO I ACT LIKE SUCH A CREEP?
WHY WON’T HE DATE ME?
WHY DID I HIT HIM?
WHY DO I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP?
SOMEBODY HUG ME!
SOMEBODY FIX ME!
SOMEBODY SAVE ME!
SEND ME A SIGN, GOD!
GIVE ME SOME HOPE HERE!
SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR!
KIDS
WHITE TRASH!
VERONICA
COLLEGE WILL BE PARADISE
IF I’M NOT DEAD BY JUNE!
BUT I KNOW, I KNOW, LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL.
I PRAY, I PRAY FOR A BETTER WAY.
IF WE CHANGED BACK THEN,
WE COULD CHANGE AGAIN.
WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL...
VERONICA
...Nothing.
VERONICA & KIDS
BUT I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW...
LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL.
I PRAY, I PRAY, I PRAY
FOR A BETTER WAY.
WE WERE KIND BEFORE;
WE CAN BE KIND ONCE MORE.
WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL...
(Martha approaches)
VERONICA
Agh! ...Hey, Martha.
MARTHA
Hey.
(A preppy stud knocks a hipster dork to the floor)
(Martha helps Veronica pick up her tray)
HIPSTER DORK
Ow!
VERONICA
Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.
VERONICA
JUST NOT TODAY.
MARTHA
We on for movie night?
VERONICA
Hey, are you okay?
VERONICA
Yeah, you’re on Jiffy Pop detail.
HIPSTER DORK
Get away, nerd.
MARTHA
I rented “The Princess Bride.”
HIPSTER DORK
I’d like to be their boyfriend.
KIDS
THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL...
STONER CHICK
If I sat at their table, guys would notice me.
KIDS
SO BEAUTIFUL...
MARTHA
I’d like them to be nicer.
KIDS
THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL...
BELEAGUERED GEEK
I’d like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in
an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the
rats!
(Veronica enters the girls’ bathroom. Heathers Chandler
and McNamara are watching Heather Duke vomit into a
toilet)
HEATHER CHANDLER
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ‘87.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather.
HEATHER DUKE
Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should.
(The three Heathers enter)
(Ms. Fleming enters)
KIDS
AH... HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MS. FLEMING
Ah, Heather and Heather.
VERONICA
Then there’s the Heathers. They float
above it all.
(Heather Duke vomits)
KIDS
(Repeating) I LOVE HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER.
MS. FLEMING
...and Heather. Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the
vomiting. You’re late for class.
(Veronica scribbles on a piece of paper)
VERONICA
Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader. Her dad’s loaded—
he sells engagement rings.
HEATHER CHANDLER
Heather wasn’t feeling well. We’re
helping her.
KIDS
I HATE HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MS. FLEMING
Not without a hall pass you’re not. A week’s detention.
VERONICA
Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook. No discernible
personality, but her mom did pay for implants.
VERONICA
Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass.
Yearbook committee.
MS. FLEMING
...I see you’re all listed. Hurry up and get where
you’re going.
HEATHER CHANDLER
This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?
VERONICA
Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon.
HEATHER CHANDLER
What boon?
VERONICA
Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. No
talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate
me, they’ll leave me alone. ...Before you answer, I
also do report cards, permission slips and absence
notes.
HEATHER DUKE
How about prescriptions?
HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, Heather.
HEATHER DUKE
Sorry, Heather.
(Heather Chandler inspects Veronica’s face)
HEATHER CHANDLER
For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone
structure.
REPUBLICANETTE &
NEW WAVE GIRL
DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!
GET AWAY, PERVERT!
BELEAGUERED GEEK
WHAT’D I EVER DO TO THEM?
KIDS
WHO COULD SURVIVE THIS?
I CAN’T ESCAPE THIS!
I THINK I’M DYING!
MS. FLEMING
WHO’S THAT WITH HEATHER?
(THE HEATHERS enter again...)
KIDS
Whoa.
HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER...
NEW WAVE GIRL
AND... SOMEONE!
KIDS
HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER...
GOWAN & COACH
AND A BABE!
HEATHER MCNAMARA
And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver
down the center of your skull, I’d have matching
halves. That’s very important.
KIDS
HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER...
HEATHER DUKE
Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
KIDS
VERONICA? VERONICA? VERONICA?!
HEATHER CHANDLER
AND YA KNOW, YA KNOW, YA KNOW?
THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL.
MASCARA, MAYBE SOME LIP GLOSS,
AND WE’RE ON OUR WAY.
GET THIS GIRL SOME BLUSH;
AND HEATHER, I NEED YOUR BRUSH.
LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.
(The Heathers part, revealing a smoking hot Veronica who has been given a make-over)
HEATHER MCNAMARA
LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL...
HEATHER DUKE
LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL...
HEATHER CHANDLER
MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL...
Okay?
MARTHA
VERONICA?!
VERONICA & KIDS
(variously) AND YA KNOW,
YA KNOW, YA KNOW
LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU HOPE, YOU DREAM, YOU PRAY,
AND YOU GET YOUR WAY!
ASK ME HOW IT FEELS
LOOKING LIKE HELL ON WHEELS...
MY GOD, IT’S BEAUTIFUL!
I MIGHT BE BEAUTIFUL!
AND WHEN YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL...
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FRICKIN’ DAY!
(Another day, another hellish lunch)
KIDS
HEATHER... VERONICA!
HEATHER! HEATHER!
HEATHER... VERONICA!
KURT
OUT OF MY WAY, GEEK!
VERONICA
VERONICA! VERONICA!
BELEAGUERED GEEK
I DON’T WANT TROUBLE—
KIDS
VERONICA! VERONICA!
VERONICA
Okay!
ELLE MCLEMORE, JESSICA KEENAN WYNN, ALICE LEE
RAM
YOU’RE GONNA DIE AT 3PM!
2. CANDY
STORE
HEATHER CHANDLER
ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM?
YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK?
YOU’VE COME SO FAR,
WHY NOW ARE
YOU PULLING ON MY DICK?
I’D NORMALLY SLAP YOUR FACE OFF,
AND EVERYONE HERE COULD WATCH—
BUT I’M FEELING NICE.
HERE’S SOME ADVICE:
LISTEN UP, BYATCH.
HEATHER CHANDLER with
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
(variously)
I LIKE LOOKING HOT;
BUYING STUFF THEY CANNOT.
I LIKE DRINKING HARD;
MAXING DAD’S CREDIT CARD.
I LIKE SKIPPING GYM;
SCARING HER, SCREWING HIM.
I LIKE KILLER CLOTHES;
KICKING NERDS IN THE NOSE!
IF YOU LACK THE BALLS,
YOU CAN GO PLAY DOLLS—
LET YOUR MOMMY FIX YOU A SNACK.
WHOA, WHOA!
OR YOU COULD COME SMOKE,
POUND SOME RUM AND COKE
IN MY PORSCHE WITH THE QUARTERBACK!
OH WHOA, OH WHOA, OH WHOA!
HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?
ALL THREE HEATHERS
WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE!
TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE YOU’RE
NOT A LOSER ANYMORE...
THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
GUYS FALL
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
AT YOUR FEET.
HEATHER DUKE
BUY YOU STUFF!
HEATHER MCNAMARA
HELP YOU CHEAT!
ALL THREE
ALL YOU
HEATHER DUKE
HAVE TO DO:
HEATHER CHANDLER
SAY GOODBYE TO SHAMU.
ALL THREE
THAT FREAK’S
HEATHER MCNAMARA
NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I CAN TELL, IN THE END,
ALL THREE
IF SHE
HEATHER CHANDLER
Shut up, Heather.
CHANDLER
DUKE & MAC
HEATHER DUKE
HAD YOUR SHOT,
STEP INTO MY
CANDY STORE!
OH, OH, OH,
ALL THREE
SHE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO ROT!
WHOAAAAAAAAA! TIME FOR YOU
TO PROVE
HEATHER MCNAMARA
‘COURSE, IF YOU DON’T CARE,
FINE. GO BRAID HER HAIR—
MAYBE “SESAME STREET” IS ON.
YOU’RE NOT
A LAME-ASS
ANYMORE!
HEATHERS CHANDLER & DUKE
WHOA, WHOA!
HEATHER MCNAMARA
OR FORGET THAT CREEP,
HEATHER DUKE
AND GET IN MY JEEP...
HEATHER CHANDLER
LET’S GO TEAR UP SOMEONE’S LAWN!
HEATHERS DUKE AND MCNAMARA
OH WHOA, OH WHOA, OH WHOA!
ALL THREE
HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?
WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE!
YOU JUST GOTTA PROVE YOU’RE
NOT A PUSSY ANYMORE...
THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
THEN STEP INTO
MY CANDY STORE!
ALL THREE
IT’S MY CANDY STORE, IT’S MY CANDY. (x2)
IT’S MY CANDY STORE! (x2)
3. FIGHT
FOR ME
(Throughout this song, J.D. kicks Ram and Kurt’s
asses as the shocked students look on. Everyone
moves in stylized slow-motion except for Veronica,
who moves normally)
KIDS
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT!
VERONICA
WHY, WHEN YOU SEE BOYS FIGHT,
DOES IT LOOK SO HORRIBLE, YET...
FEEL SO RIGHT?
I SHOULDN’T WATCH THIS CRAP,
CHANDLER
DUKE & MAC
THAT’S NOT WHO I AM.
YOU CAN JOIN OR YOU CAN BITCH
BUT WITH THIS KID...
THE TEAM...
AND MOAN.
DAAAAAMN.
YOU CAN LIVE OR YOU CAN DIE
HEY,
THE DREAM... ALONE.
MISTER NO-NAME KID,
YOU CAN FLY
OR IF YOU PREFER,
SO WHO MIGHT YOU BE?
WITH EAGLES,
AND COULD YOU FIGHT FOR ME?
AND HEY,
KEEP ON TESTING ME
COULD YOU FACE THE CROWD,
AND END UP AND END UP
COULD YOU BE SEEN WITH ME
LIKE HER! LIKE HER!
AND STILL ACT PROUD?
MARTHA
HEY,
Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND?
party! This proves he’s been thinking about me!
AND COULD YOU CARRY ME
THROUGH NO-MAN’S-LAND?
VERONICA
IT’S FINE IF YOU DON’T AGREE,
(lamely) ...Color me stoked.
BUT I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU...
MARTHA
IF YOU WOULD FIGHT FOR ME.
I’m so happy.
LET THEM DRIVE US UNDERGROUND.
HEATHER DUKE
I DON’T CARE HOW FAR.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!—
YOU CAN SET MY BROKEN BONES
HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR!—
AND I KNOW C.P.R.
(Chandler shoves Duke aside)
...WELL, WHOA.
(During the preceding, the Heathers
slip the note onto Martha’s lunch tray.
She opens the note and reads it...)
YOU CAN PUNCH REAL GOOD.
YOU’VE LASTED LONGER
THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.
SO HEY,
MISTER NO-NAME KID,
IF SOME NIGHT YOU’RE FREE...
VERONICAKIDS
WANNA FIGHT
FOR ME?...
HOLY SHIT... (x9)
IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE...
I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU... IF YOU WOULD FIGHT
FOR ME.
4. FREEZE
YOUR BRAIN
J.D.
I’VE BEEN THROUGH TEN HIGH SCHOOLS.
THEY START TO GET BLURRY.
NO POINT PLANTING ROOTS,
‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONE IN A HURRY.
MY DAD KEEPS TWO SUITCASES
PACKED IN THE DEN,
SO IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF WHEN.
I DON’T LEARN THE NAMES,
DON’T BOTHER WITH FACES.
ALL I CAN TRUST IS THIS CONCRETE OASIS.
SEEMS EVERY TIME I’M ABOUT TO DESPAIR,
THERE’S A 7-11 RIGHT THERE.
EACH STORE IS THE SAME,
FROM LAS VEGAS TO BOSTON,
LINOLEUM AISLES THAT I LOVE
TO GET LOST IN.
I PRAY AT MY ALTAR OF SLUSH;
YEAH, I LIVE FOR THAT SWEET
FROZEN RUSH...
(J.D. takes a hit of his frozen drink and grimaces)
J.D.
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN.
SUCK ON THAT STRAW,
GET LOST IN THE PAIN.
HAPPINESS COMES
WHEN EVERYTHING NUMBS.
WHO NEEDS COCAINE?
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN.
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN...
(J.D. offers the Slurpee to Veronica)
J.D.
Not anymore.
WHEN MOM WAS ALIVE,
WE LIVED HALFWAY NORMAL,
BUT NOW IT’S JUST ME AND MY DAD,
WE’RE LESS FORMAL.
I LEARNED TO COOK PASTA,
I LEARNED TO PAY RENT;
LEARNED THE WORLD DOESN’T
OWE YOU A CENT.
YOU’RE PLANNING YOUR FUTURE,
VERONICA SAWYER,
YOU’LL GO TO SOME COLLEGE,
AND MARRY A LAWYER.
BUT THE SKY’S GONNA HURT
WHEN IT FALLS,
SO YOU BETTER START
BUILDING SOME WALLS...
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN.
SWIM IN THE ICE,
GET LOST IN THE PAIN.
SHUT YOUR EYES TIGHT, TILL YOU VANISH FROM
SIGHT,
LET NOTHING REMAIN—
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN,
SHATTER YOUR SKULL,
FIGHT PAIN WITH MORE PAIN.
FORGET WHO YOU ARE,
UNBURDEN YOUR LOAD,
FORGET IN SIX WEEKS YOU’LL BE BACK ON THE
ROAD.
WHEN THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD
SAYS YOU’RE BETTER OFF DEAD,
DON’T OPEN A VEIN—
JUST FREEZE YOUR BRAIN,
FREEZE YOUR BRAIN,
GO ON AND FREEZE YOUR BRAIN...
Try it.
5. BIG
FUN
RAM
DAD SAYS “ACT OUR AGE.”
YOU HEARD THE MAN, IT’S TIME TO RAGE!
ALL
BLAST THE BASS, TURN OUT THE LIGHT!
HEATHERS
AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
RAM
DRINK, SMOKE, IT’S ALL COOL.
LET’S GET NAKED IN MY POOL!
J.D.
Care for a hit?
ALL
PUNCH THE WALL AND START A FIGHT!
AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
VERONICA
Does your mommy know you eat
all this crap?
KURT
HIS FOLKS GOT A WATERBED.
COME UPSTAIRS AND REST YOUR HEAD.
BARRETT WILBERT WEED & RYAN MCCARTAN
RAM
LET’S RUB EACH OTHER’S BACKS
WHILE WATCHING PORN ON CINEMAX!
CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, KIDS
THE FOLKS ARE GONE,
IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
WE’RE UP TILL DAWN
HAVING SOME BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
WHEN MOM AND DAD FORGET
TO LOCK THE LIQUOR CABINET,
IT’S BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
VERONICA
So wait, it’s lime, then salt, then shot?
HEATHER MCNAMARA
No, salt, then—
VERONICA
THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE—
ALL
BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
(Kurt holds up a pig piñata with a sign that
says “Jefferson Razorbacks”)
KURT
All right, people! What is Westerberg gonna
do to the Razorbacks at Sunday’s game?
(Ram mimes sex with the piñata)
RAM
Gonna make ‘em go
WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!
ALL
BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
WE SHOULD—
HEATHER CHANDLER
SHUT UP, HEATHER.
HEATHER DUKE
SORRY, HEATHER.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
LOOK WHO’S WITH HER—OH, MY GOD!
(points to VERONICA)
ALL THREE HEATHERS
DANG! DANG! DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG!
DANG-DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG!
VERONICA
I can’t believe you actually came.
MARTHA
It’s exciting, right? Excuse me, I want say
hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider.
HEATHER CHANDLER
You’re doing it wrong!
HEATHER DUKE
WAY TO SHOW MATURITY!
VERONICA
Really? ‘Cause I feel great.
ALL
BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
PREPPY STUD
Veronica, you’re looking good tonight!
HEATHER CHANDLER
SHOWING UP HERE TOOK SOME GUTS.
TIME TO RIP THEM OUT.
(Ram grabs Heather by the hips and does to
her what he’s been doing to the piñata)
(Heather Duke holds up the pig piñata)
VERONICA
Whoa.
A HOT GUY SMILED AT ME,
WITHOUT A TRACE OF MOCKERY!
HEATHER DUKE
QUIT IT JACKASS, GET OFF OF ME!
HEATHER DUKE
WELL, WHO’S THIS PIG REMIND YOU OF?
ESPECIALLY THE SNOUT.
ALL BUT VERONICA
EVERYONE’S HIGH AS A KITE,
AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
ALL
BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
VERONICA
YO! RAM! EMERGENCY!
I just saw some freshmen sneaking over the
pool fence!
HEATHER CHANDLER
HAH!
VERONICA
STONED. ZONED. I SHOULD QUIT...
HEY, IS THAT WEED? I WANT A HIT.
ALL BUT VERONICA
FILL THAT JOINT AND ROLL IT TIGHT,
AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
VERONICA
DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE
WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH BUT NOT AT YOU!
I’M NOT ALONE! I’M NOT AFRAID!
I FEEL LIKE BONO AT LIVE AID!
ALL
THE HOUSE IS OURS,
IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN!
BIG FUN!
LET’S USE THEIR SHOWERS,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
CRACK OPEN ONE MORE CASE!
(Veronica observes a couple making out)
RAM
I hate freshmen! Where are ya little pricks?
I’m coming for you!...
VERONICA
(to Heather Duke) You okay?
HEATHER DUKE
I didn’t need your help.
(Heather Duke gives Veronica the finger)
ALL THREE HEATHERS
DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG!
DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG!
(The Heathers exit with the piñata. Martha
approaches Ram)
RAM
Where the hell are those freshmen?
MARTHA
Hi, Ram. I wasn’t gonna come, but since you
took the time to write that sweet note...
(Hands Ram the sparkling cider)
RAM
VERONICA
What note? Why d’you gotta be so weird all
Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don’t the time? People wouldn’t hate you so much
need to vomit right now.
if you acted normal. (Chugs and spits out
the cider) There’s no alcohol in here! Are you
ALL
trying to poison me?
THE PARTY’S HOT, HOT, HOT,
IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
KIDS
KURT
YOU NEED A JELLO SHOT!
ALL
WE’RE HAVING BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
VERONICA
I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL
“THIRD BASE.”
(Martha arrives at the party)
ALL
BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
HEATHER DUKE
HERE COMES THE COOTIE SQUAD.
HEATHER CHANDLER
MARTHA DUMPTRUCK, IN THE FLESH.
DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! (x3)
DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG!
THE FOLKS ARE GONE,
IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
WE’RE UP TILL DAWN
HAVING SOME BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW,
THEY’LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO.
OUR FOLKS GOT NO CLUE
‘BOUT ALL THE SHIT THEIR CHILDREN DO.
WHY ARE THEY SURPRISED?
WHENEVER WE’RE UNSUPERVISED,
IT’S BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WHOOO!
I’M SNAPPING OFF YOUR WINDOW LOCK.
GOT NO TIME TO KNOCK,
I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
6. DEAD
J.D.
Veronica? What are you doing in my room?
GIRL WALKING
VERONICA
THE DEMON QUEEN OF HIGH SCHOOL
HAS DECREED IT:
SHE SAYS MONDAY, 8 AM, I WILL
BE DELETED.
THEY’LL HUNT ME DOWN IN STUDY HALL,
STUFF AND MOUNT ME ON THE WALL;
THIRTY HOURS TO LIVE—
HOW SHALL I SPEND THEM?
I DON’T HAVE TO STAY AND DIE LIKE CATTLE;
I COULD CHANGE MY NAME AND
RIDE UP TO SEATTLE.
BUT I DON’T OWN A MOTORBIKE—WAIT...
(Veronica sees J.D. in his bedroom
window, getting ready for bed)
HERE’S AN OPTION THAT I LIKE:
SPEND THOSE THIRTY HOURS GETTIN’... FREAKAY!
Yeah!
I NEED IT HARD, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
I’M IN YOUR YARD, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
BEFORE THEY PUNCH MY CLOCK,
(Veronica climbs in through J.D.’s window)
VERONICA
SORRY, BUT I REALLY HAD TO WAKE YOU;
SEE, I DECIDED I MUST RIDE YOU TILL I BREAK YOU.
‘CAUSE HEATHER SAYS
I GOTS TO GO;
YOU’RE MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LOSE THEM TIGHTY-WHITIES!
COME ON!
TONIGHT I’M YOURS, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
GET ON ALL FOURS, KISS THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING!
LET’S GO, YOU KNOW THE DRILL;
I’M HOT AND PISSED AND ON THE PILL.
BOW DOWN TO THE WILL
OF A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
IT’S ‘CAUSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU SAY YOU’RE NUMB INSIDE,
BUT I CAN’T AGREE.
SO THE WORLD’S UNFAIR,
KEEP IT LOCKED OUT THERE...
IN HERE IT’S BEAUTIFUL.
LET’S MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL!
J.D.
That works for me—
(Veronica kisses him hard. They make out)
VERONICA
YEAH! FULL STEAM AHEAD!
TAKE THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING!
J.D.
HOW’D YOU FIND MY ADDRESS?
VERONICA
LET’S BREAK THE BED!
ROCK THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING!
J.D.
I THINK YOU TORE MY MATTRESS!
VERONICA
NO SLEEP TONIGHT FOR YOU,
BETTER CHUG THAT MOUNTAIN DEW!
GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR,
MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN DISAPPEAR!
SLAP ME! PULL MY HAIR,
TOUCH ME THERE AND THERE AND THERE
BUT NO MORE TALKING!
J.D.
WHOA, WHOA! HEY, HEY!
YEAH, YEAH!
VERONICA & J.D.
LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL…
J.D.
WHOA, WHOA! HEY, HEY! WAIT, WAIT!
VERONICA
LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL…
VERONICA & J.D.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
J.D.
OW!
VERONICA + J.D.
YEAH!!!
7. The
ME INSIDE OF ME
J.D.
Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind. What
would she say? What is her final statement to a cold,
uncaring planet?
VERONICA
(writing) “Dear world...
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I KNEW ABOUT FEAR;
I KNEW THE WAY LONELINESS STUNG.
I HID BEHIND SMILES AND CRAZY HOT CLOTHES;
I LEARNED TO KISS BOYS WITH MY TONGUE.”
J.D.
That’s good.
BARRETT WILBERT WEED,
CHARISSA HOGELAND & RYAN MCCARTAN
VERONICA
“BUT OH, THE WORLD, IT HELD ME DOWN;
IT WEIGHED LIKE A CONCRETE PROM
QUEEN CROWN.”
(Dead Heather Chandler sits up. Only Veronica sees her)
HEATHER CHANDLER
NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS.
NO ONE GETS HER INSECURITY.
I AM MORE THAN SHOULDER PADS AND MAKEUP.
NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME.
...Jesus, you’re making me sound like Air Supply.
J.D.
Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops.
(Two policemen, McCord and Milner, investigate the
crime scene)
MCCORD
Whoa! Is it murder?
MILNER
No, look. Here’s a suicide note.
VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS
“THEY COULDN’T SEE PAST MY
ROCK STAR MYSTIQUE,
THEY WOULDN’T DARE LOOK IN MY EYES.
BUT JUST UNDERNEATH WAS
A TERRIFIED GIRL
WHO CLINGS TO HER PILLOW AND CRIES!
MY LOOKS WERE JUST LIKE PRISON BARS;
THEY’VE LEFT ME A MYRIAD OF SCARS.”
HEATHER CHANDLER
“Myriad.” Nice.
(The COPS hand the suicide note to Principal Gowan)
VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS
“NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL
HAS SUBSTANCE.
THAT’S THE CURSE OF POPULARITY.”
(Gowan reads the note aloud)
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
“I AM MORE THAN JUST A SOURCE OF HANDJOBS.”
VERONICA, HEATHER, GOWAN, COPS
“NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME.”
(The COPS exit. GOWAN joins FLEMING, RIPPER and
some FACULTY)
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.
COACH RIPPER
You should cancel classes.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
No way, Coach. I send the kids home before lunch and
the switchboard’ll light up like a Christmas tree.
MS. FLEMING
Our children are dying. I suggest we get everyone into
the cafeteria and just talk. And feel. Together.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the
shuttle lands.
HEATHER WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU!
MS. FLEMING
I’m telling you we all misjudged Heather
Chandler. This is the loveliest suicide note I’ve
ever read.
EVERYBODY
NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL
CAN TOUCH YOU...
MS. FLEMING AND HEATHER CHANDLER
“BOX UP MY CLOTHING FOR GOODWILL,
AND GIVE THE POOR MY NORDIC TRACK.
DONATE MY CAR TO CRIPPLED KIDS,
OR TO THOSE GHETTO MOMS ON CRACK.
GIVE THEM MY HATS AND MY CDS,
MY PUMPS AND FLATS, MY THREE TVS!”
HEATHER CHANDLER, FACULTY
“NO ONE THINKS THE PRETTY GIRL
HAS FEELINGS;
BUT I WEEP FOR ALL I FAILED TO BE.
MAYBE I CAN HELP THE WORLD BY LEAVING;
MAYBE THAT’S THE ME INSIDE OF ME.”
PRINCIPAL GOWAN
Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody!
(Teachers cheer, as do arriving students)
MS. FLEMING
Not so fast, kids. They’re refueling the buses,
which gives us a solid half-hour
of healing. I’ve mimeographed copies
of the suicide note so you can feel
Heather’s anguish.
HEATHER MCNAMARA
I NEVER KNEW ABOUT HER PAIN.
MS. FLEMING
Go on!
HIPSTER DORK
HER LIFE HAD HIT A ROCKY PATCH.
MS. FLEMING
Feel!
YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE
DEEP DOWN SHE WASN’T CRUEL
OR VAIN—
MS. FLEMING
Heal!
KIDS
SHE DIDN’T MEAN TO BE A SNATCH!
MS. FLEMING
Veronica, you’re very quiet. What’s on your mind?
VERONICA
Uh, maybe Heather realized that in order to be
happy she had to give up her power. And the only
way to do that was...death.
MS. FLEMING
My God.
LOOK WHAT WE’VE DONE,
WE’RE BREAKING THROUGH!
JON EIDSON (CENTER) & CAST
KIDS
AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU!
RAM
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE.
KURT
THEY’RE HANGIN’ SADLY.
RAM
WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU
THAT YOU HATE THEM SO?
KURT & RAM
WHATEVER YOU REQUIRE THEY’LL DO!
SO TAKE ‘EM HOME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS!
RAM
THEY’LL WEAR A SUIT AND TIE,
KURT
AND A FANCY COLLAR!
KURT
TEACH THEM TO SMILE!
RAM, HEATHERS
YOU GOT NO CLUE HOW MUCH
THESE TWO DEPEND ON YOU—
PLEASE HELP THEM THROUGH!
KURT & RAM MAC & DUKE
RAM
THEY’LL SING A LULLABY:
MY BALLS ARE IN YOUR COURT! MY BALLS ARE IN
YOUR COURT!
KURT & RAM
LIKE A TACKLING DUMMY!
KURT & RAM
LA LA LA LA LA!
PLEASE MAKE THESE BALLS NOT BLUE,
YEAH!
YOU MAKE THEM
BALLS SO BLUE!
KURT
THEY LONG FOR YOUR EMBRACE!
RAM
JUST FOR A WHILE!
HEATHER CHANDLER
Holy crap! This is awesome!
RAM
THEY’RE WARM LIKE MITTENS!
KURT
CAN’T WAIT TILL LATER,
EVERYBODY
HEATHER CRIED,
OUR SINS FELL ON HER SHOULDERS!
KURT
THEY’LL CURL UP ON YOUR FACE
KURT & RAM
MY PANTS ARE RUBBIN’
LIKE A HOT CHEESE GRATER!
NEW WAVE GIRL
Heather touching me...
EVERYBODY
BUT SHE’S MADE US BETTER THAN
WE WERE.
HEATHER’S DEAD, BUT SHE WILL LIVE INSIDE
ME.
AND I’LL BE THE ME INSIDE OF HER...
HEATHER CHANDLER
Jesus Christ!
EVERYBODY
HEATHER DIED,
SO WE COULD ALL BE FREE!
HEATHER CHANDLER
I’m bigger than John Lennon!
KIDS
(Variously)
HEATHER’S GONE,
BUT SHE WILL LIVE FOREVER!
SHE’S THE DOVE THAT SINGS OUTSIDE
MY WINDOW!
SHE’S THE TWIN FROM WHOM
I’M SEPARATED!
SHE’S THE HORSE I NEVER GOT FOR CHRISTMAS!
EVERYBODY
HEATHER SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME!
HEATHER IS THE ME INSIDE OF ME!
INSIDE OF... ME!
8. BLUE
RAM
Heyyyyy, ‘Ronica.
VERONICA
Ugh. You got a left hand? Use it.
KURT
Don’t talk mean like that.
RAM
You’ll hurt their feelings.
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE.
KURT
YOU HURT THEM BADLY.
KURT
DON’T RUN FROM ME—
THEY’RE ALL BEAT UP
RAM
AND PURR LIKE KITTENS!
(Veronica offers a bottle to RAM)
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE! YOU MAKE MY
BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE THEM
OW! OW! BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE MY
BALLS SO BLUE! YOU MAKE MY
BALLS SO BLUE!
GOOD GOD! YOU SHAKE THEM,
YOU QUAKE THEM,
MY BALLS!
YOU BREAK—
YOU MAKE MY
BALLS SO BLUE! YOU MAKE MY
BALLS SO BLUE!
KURT
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
VERONICA
Look. Booze. Drink!
KURT & RAM
JUST LOOK AT THEM GLOW...
KURT
Aw, thank you so much!
YOU TAKE THEM,
RAM
WE’RE BEGGIN’ YOU!
VERONICA
You’re welcome.
LOOKIT! LOOKIT! YOU BAKE THEM,
CHRISSAKE—
KURT & RAM
DON’T MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE.
(Kurt & Ram chug from the bottle)
LOOKIT! LOOKIT!
KURT, RAM, MAC, DUKE
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
PLEASE MAKE THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE,
AND MAKE THESE BALLS NOT BLUE!
VERONICA
Heather...? Heather...? Open the door.
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
OH NO, OH NO NO NO!
RAM
THEY WILL PROTECT YOU,
KURT
DEFEND YOU,
RAM
RESPECT YOU,
9. OUR
LOVE IS GOD
RAM
HOLD ‘EM!
KURT
BABY BABY BABY THEY’RE SO BLUE!
J.D.
THEY MADE YOU CRY,
BUT THAT WILL END TONIGHT.
YOU ARE THE ONLY THING THAT’S RIGHT
ABOUT THIS BROKEN WORLD.
GO ON AND CRY,
BUT WHEN THE MORNING COMES,
WE’LL BURN IT DOWN AND THEN
WE’LL BUILD THE WORLD AGAIN...
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
KURT
ENFOLD ‘EM,
RAM
MY BALLS WILL WORK FOR YOU.
KURT & RAM
AND NEVER LET GO!
VERONICA
Are you okay?
KURT
THEY WILL OBEY YA!
KURT
ONCE YOU WERE GEEKY AND NERDY,
RAM
THEY REALLY NEED RESCUE!
RAM
BUT THEY KNEW YOU’RE DIRTY.
KURT
LIKE PRINCESS LEIA!
J.D.
I WAS ALONE.
I WAS A FROZEN LAKE.
BUT THEN YOU MELTED ME AWAKE;
SEE, NOW I’M CRYING TOO.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
KURT
YOU’VE SET THEM ON FIRE,
KURT & RAM
BABY, YOU GOTS TO COME THROUGH.
VERONICA
YOU’RE NOT ALONE...
VERONICA
Open the door!
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
OH NO, OH NO NO NO!
KURT
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE,
SO PLEASE SAY HELLO!
KURT
BEFRIEND YOU—
RAM
LIKE WINNIE-THE-POOH!
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
WINNIE-THE-POOH!
ANTHONY CRIVELLO &
DANIEL COONEY
J.D.
AND WHEN THE MORNING COMES,
VERONICA
Ich Luge...? What?
VERONICA
WHEN THE MORNING COMES...
J.D.
My granddad scored them in World War II. They contain a
powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis used them to fake their
own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin. We will use
them to knock out Ram and Kurt long enough to make it
look like a suicide pact. Complete with a forged suicide note.
J.D.
WE’LL BURN AWAY THAT TEAR,
AND RAISE OUR CITY HERE...
VERONICA
RAISE OUR CITY HERE...
J.D. & VERONICA
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
(Veronica’s house. J.D. watches as Veronica calls Kurt and
Ram on the phone.)
KURT
Yeah-lo?
VERONICA
Hi, Kurt, it’s Veronica... how did you guys know it’s always
been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once?
KURT
Wowuhh... lucky guess?
VERONICA
If you want it to come true, meet me at the cemetery. At
dawn.
(Veronica hangs up)
KURT
Free pussy!
RAM
And we don’t even have to buy it a pizza!
(They punch it in and exit)
J.D.
WE CAN START AND FINISH WARS,
J.D. AND VERONICA
WE’RE WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS.
WE’RE THE ASTEROID THAT’S OVERDUE.
THE DINOSAURS CHOKED ON THE DUST,
THEY DIED BECAUSE GOD SAID THEY MUST.
THE NEW WORLD NEEDED ROOM
FOR ME AND YOU.
J.D.
I WORSHIP YOU.
I’D TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS.
THEY ALL WILL DISAPPEAR,
WE’LL PLANT OUR GARDEN HERE:
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
J.D. & VERONICA
(Variously, repeats)
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
(Lights up on Kurt and Ram embracing)
KURT & RAM
“Ram and I died because we had to
hide our gay forbidden love from a
misapproving world.”
J.D.
AND WHEN THE MORNING COMES,
THEY’LL BOTH BE LAUGHING STOCKS...
J.D. AND VERONICA
SO LET’S GO HUNT SOME JOCKS!
(Cemetery at dawn. Kurt and Ram wait for Veronica)
KURT
Hi... Veronica.
RAM
Uh... so do we just whip it out or what?
VERONICA
Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me.
KURT
What about you?
VERONICA
I was hoping you’d rip my clothes off me, sport.
Count of three.
(Kurt and Ram stand awkwardly in their underpants.
Ram giggles in anticipation)
VERONICA
One... two...
J.D.
Three.
(J.D. steps out and shoots Ram. Veronica fires at Kurt,
missing him. Kurt runs)
KURT
Aaaugh! Holy crap!
J.D.
Stay there, I’ll get him!
(Veronica, suddenly worried, kicks Ram with her foot)
VERONICA
Ram? You’re just unconscious, right? Ram? Ram!
(J.D. opens a box and pulls out two pistols. Veronica stares
in horrified fascination)
(J.D. chases Kurt, who tries to escape by scaling a
chain-link fence)
VERONICA
Whoa. Is that real?
J.D.
Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!
J.D.
Yeah, but we’re filling it with “Ich Luge” bullets.
KURT
I don’t understand!
J.D.
WE CAN START AND FINISH WARS.
WE’RE WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS.
WE’RE THE ASTEROID THAT’S OVERDUE.
VERONICA
OUR LOVE IS GOD...
KURT
Stop being a dick!
VERONICA
OUR LOVE IS GOD...
J.D.
THE DINOSAURS WILL TURN TO DUST.
J.D. AND VERONICA
OUR LOVE IS GOD!...
KURT
What does that mean?!
10. MY
J.D.
THEY’LL DIE BECAUSE WE SAY THEY MUST.
RAM’S DAD
You wait just a minute, Paul! It is ignorant, hateful talk like
yours that makes this word a place our boys could not live in!
THEY WERE NOT DIRTY!
THEY WERE NOT WRONG!
THEY WERE TWO LONELY VERSES
IN THE LORD’S GREAT SONG!
(J.D. fires; Kurt dies. Veronica runs up)
VERONICA
What the fuck have you done?!
J.D.
...I WORSHIP YOU.
I’D TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS.
WE’LL MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR.
WE’LL PLANT OUR GARDEN HERE.
(J.D. holds out his hand)
J.D.
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
(Repeats. J.D. folds Veronica in his arms
as she sobs in shock and horror)
J.D.
OUR LOVE IS GOD.
DEAD GAY SON
KURT’S DAD
Our boys were pansies, Bill!
RAM’S DAD
YES! MY BOY’S A HOMOSEXUAL,
AND THAT DON’T SCARE ME NONE—
I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW...
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!
I’ve been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines.
And it’s time we opened our eyes.
CONGREGATION
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
THEY WERE NOT DIRTY—WHOA!
AND NOT PERVERSE—NO, NO!
THEY WERE TWO STRAY RHINESTONES
ON THE LORD’S BIG PURSE!
WELL, THE GOOD LORD MADE
THE UNIVERSE,
THE LORD CREATED MAN.
AND I BELIEVE IT’S ALL A PART OF HIS GIGANTIC
PLAN.
I KNOW GOD HAS A REASON
FOR EACH MOUNTAIN AND EACH FLOWER,
AND WHY HE CHOSE TO LET OUR BOYS
GET BUSY IN THE SHOWER!
THEY WERE NOT DIRTY—
THEY WERE NOT FRUITS!
THEY WERE JUST TWO STRAY LACES
IN THE LORD’S BIG BOOTS.
WELL, I NEVER CARED FOR HOMOS MUCH
UNTIL I REARED ME ONE,
BUT NOW I’VE LEARNED TO LOVE...
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!
BOTH DADS
OUR JOB IS NOW CONTINUING
THE WORK THAT THEY BEGUN!
CONGREGATION
‘CAUSE NOW WE LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
WE LOVE YOUR DEAD—
BOTH DADS
THEY’RE UP THERE DISCO DANCING
TO THE THUMP OF ANGEL WINGS!
THEY GRAB A MATE AND ROLLER SKATE WHILE
JUDY GARLAND SINGS!
THEY LIVE A PLAYFUL AFTERLIFE THAT’S
FANCY-FREE AND RECKLESS!
CONGREGATION
HE LOVES HIS SON,
HE LOVES HIS SON!
HIS DEAD GAY SON!
KURT’S DAD
THEY SWING UPON THE PEARLY GATES—
RAM’S DAD
NOW, I SAY MY BOY’S IN HEAVEN
AND HE’S TANNING BY THE POOL.
THE CHERUBIM WALK HIM AND HIM,
AND JESUS SAYS IT’S COOL!!
THEY DON’T HAVE CRIME OR HATRED,
THERE’S NO BIGOTRY OR CURSIN’—
JUST FRIENDLY FELLOWS DRESSED UP
LIKE THEIR FAV’RITE VILLAGE PERSON!
THEY WERE NOT DIRTY—
THEY JUST HAD FLAIR!
THEY WERE TWO BRIGHT RED RIBBONS
IN THE LORD’S LONG HAIR.
WELL, I USED TO SEE A HOMO
AND GO REACHIN’ FOR MY GUN,
BUT NOW I’VE LEARNED TO LOVE...
AND FURTHERMORE!—
(to Kurt’s dad) THESE BOYS WERE
BRAVE AS HELL!
THESE BOYS, THEY KNEW DAMN WELL!
THOSE FOLKS WOULD JUDGE ‘EM,
THEY WERE DESPERATE TO BE FREE!
THEY TOOK A REBEL STANCE,
STRIPPED TO THEIR UNDERPANTS!
PAUL, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU
STILL REFUSE TO GET A CLUE,
AFTER ALL THAT WE BEEN THROUGH—
I’M TALKING YOU AND ME!
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION
AND WEAR A PEARLY NECKLACE!
WHOO!
THEY WERE NOT DIRTY!
THEY WERE GOOD MEN!
AND NOW THEY’RE HAPPY BEAR CUBS IN THE LORD’S BIG DEN!
BOTH DADS
GO FORTH AND LOVE EACH OTHER NOW,
LIKE OUR BOYS WOULD HAVE DONE.
EVERYONE
WE’LL TEACH THE WORLD TO LOVE...
BOTH DADS
I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!
MY SON! MY SON! CONGREGATION
NOT HALF BAD, YOUR DEAD GAY SON!
WISH I HAD YOUR DEAD GAY SON!
THANK YOU, DAD, FOR YOUR...
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION
DEAD GAY SON!
11. SEVENTEEN
VERONICA
FINE! WE’RE DAMAGED.
REALLY DAMAGED.
BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE US WISE.
WE’RE NOT SPECIAL.
WE’RE NOT DIFFERENT.
WE DON’T CHOOSE WHO LIVES OR DIES.
LET’S BE NORMAL. SEE BAD MOVIES,
SNEAK A BEER AND WATCH TV.
WE’LL BAKE BROWNIES,
RAM’S DAD
In the summer of ‘83.
(Congregation gasps)
KURT’S DAD
That... was one hell of a fishing trip.
(A long beat. Kurt’s dad approaches Ram’s dad
and kisses him, hard. They embrace.)
BARRETT WILBERT WEED & RYAN MCCARTAN
OR GO BOWLING—
DON’T YOU WANT A LIFE WITH ME?
CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN?
THAT’S ALL I WANT TO DO.
IF YOU COULD LET ME IN,
I COULD BE GOOD WITH YOU.
PEOPLE HURT US...
J.D.
OR THEY VANISH...
VERONICA
AND YOU’RE RIGHT, THAT REALLY BLOWS.
BUT WE LET GO...
J.D.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH...
VERONICA
THEN GO BUY SOME SUMMER CLOTHES.
WE’LL GO CAMPING...
J.D.
PLAY SOME POKER...
VERONICA
AND WE’LL EAT SOME CHILI FRIES.
MAYBE PROM NIGHT...
J.D.
MAYBE DANCING...
VERONICA
DON’T STOP LOOKING IN MY EYES...
J.D.
YOUR EYES...
VERONICA & J.D.
CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN?
IS THAT SO HARD TO DO?
IF YOU COULD LET ME IN,
I COULD BE GOOD WITH YOU.
LET US BE SEVENTEEN,
IF WE’VE STILL GOT THE RIGHT.
VERONICA
SO, WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?
I WANNA BE WITH YOU—
J.D.
I WANNA BE WITH YOU...
VERONICA
WANNA BE WITH YOU,
VERONICA & J.D.
TONIGHT!
VERONICA
YEAH, WE’RE DAMAGED.
J.D.
BADLY DAMAGED,
J.D.
EVEN CLOSER...
VERONICA
I’LL STAY IF I’M WHAT YOU CHOOSE.
J.D.
CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN...
VERONICA
IF I AM WHAT YOU CHOOSE...
J.D.
IF WE’VE STILL GOT THE RIGHT...
VERONICA
‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE.
J.D.
YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE.
VERONICA & J.D.
YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE.
12. SHINE
A LIGHT
MS. FLEMING
DEEP INSIDE OF EVERYONE
THERE’S A HOT BALL OF SHAME.
GUILT, REGRETS, ANXIETY,
FEARS WE DARE NOT NAME.
BUT IF WE SHOW THE UGLY PARTS
THAT WE HIDE AWAY,
THEY TURN OUT TO BE BEAUTIFUL
BY THE LIGHT OF DAY!
WHY NOT:
FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT
ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR!
LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW,
AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR!
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE,
AND YOUR SCARS AND YOUR FLAWS
WILL LOOK LOVELY BECAUSE YOU SHINE,
YOU SHINE A LIGHT!
STUDENTS & FACULTY
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT! (2x)
STONER CHICK
EVERY DAY’S A BATTLEFIELD
WHEN PRIDE’S ON THE LINE.
PREPPY STUD
I ATTACK YOUR WEAKNESSES,
STONER, PREPPY, FLEMING
AND PRAY YOU DON’T SEE MINE!
BELEAGUERED GEEK
BUT IF I SHARE MY UGLY PARTS,
VERONICA & J.D.
BUT YOUR LOVE’S TOO GOOD TO LOSE.
BELEAGUERED GEEK, NEW WAVE GIRL
AND YOU SHOW ME YOURS,
OUR LOVE CAN KNOCK OUR WALLS DOWN,
VERONICA
HOLD ME TIGHTER...
FLEMING, PREP, STONER, WAVE, GEEK
AND UNLOCK ALL OUR DOORS!
FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT
ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR!
LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW,
AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR!
MS. FLEMING
WHO WANTS TO SHARE
WHAT’S IN THEIR HEART?
NO VOLUNTEERS? FINE, I’LL START:
MY NAME’S PAULINE. I LIVE ALONE.
MY HUSBAND LEFT,MY KIDS ARE GROWN.
IN THE SIXTIES LOVE WAS FREE;
THAT DID NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR ME.
THE REVOLUTION CAME AND WENT;
TRIED TO CHANGE THE WORLD,
BARELY MADE A DENT.
I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH DESPAIR;
I’VE JOINED A CULT,
CHOPPED OFF MY HAIR,
I CHANT, I PRAY,
BUT GOD’S NOT THERE—
(to someone in the audience)
SO STEVE, I’M ENDING OUR AFFAIR!
...And I faked it. Every single time.
(deep, cleansing breath)
Whew! That felt fan-frickin’-tastic!
One, two, take me home, kids!
FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT
ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR!
LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW,
AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR!
SHINE, SHINE, SHINE,
AND YOUR SCARS AND YOUR FLAWS
WILL LOOK LOVELY BECAUSE YOU SHINE...
MS. FLEMING
YOU SHINE...YOU SHINE A LIGHT!
FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY
SHINE, SHINE,
SHINE A LIGHT! (repeat 6x)
SHINE A LIGHT! YEAH!
13. LIFEBOAT
HEATHER MCNAMARA
I FLOAT IN A BOAT
ON A RAGING BLACK OCEAN.
LOW IN THE WATER
AND NOWHERE TO GO.
THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT,
WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.
COLD, CLAMMY AND CROWDED,
THE PEOPLE SMELL DESPERATE.
WE’LL SINK ANY MINUTE,
SO SOMEONE MUST GO.
THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT,
WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.
15. KINDERGARTEN
PLAYING KICKBALL.
KISSED ME QUICK, THEN PRESSED IT
IN MY HAND.
I KEPT THAT SCAB AND PUT IT IN A LOCKET.
ALL YEAR LONG I WORE IT NEAR MY HEART.
HE DIDN’T CARE IF I WAS THIN OR PRETTY,
AND HE WAS MINE UNTIL WE HIT
FIRST GRADE.
OO OO OO OO, OO OO OO OO OO...
THEN HE WOKE UP.
LAST NIGHT I DREAMED
A HORSE WITH WINGS
FLEW DOWN INTO MY HOMEROOM.
ON ITS BACK,THERE HE SAT,
AND HE HELD OUT HIS ARMS.
SO WE SAILED ABOVE THE GYM,
ACROSS THE FACULTY PARKING LOT:
MY KINDERGARTEN BOYFRIEND AND I...
AND A HORSE WITH WINGS.
NOW WE’RE ALL GROWN-UP
AND WE KNOW BETTER.
NOW WE RECOGNIZE THE WAY THINGS ARE:
CERTAIN BOYS ARE JUST FOR
KINDERGARTEN,
CERTAIN GIRLS ARE MEANT TO BE ALONE.
(We see Martha is standing on a bridge)
BUT I BELIEVE THAT ANY DREAM
WORTH HAVING
IS A DREAM THAT SHOULD NOT
HAVE TO END.
SO I’LL BUILD A DREAM THAT I CAN LIVE IN,
AND THIS TIME I’M NEVER WAKING UP...
AND WE’LL SOAR ABOVE THE TREES,
OVER CARS AND CROQUET LAWNS.
PAST THE CHURCH, AND THE LAKE,
AND THE TRI-COUNTY MALL.
WE WILL FLY THROUGH THE DAWN,
TO A NEW KINDERGARTEN...
WHERE NAP-TIME IS CENTURIES LONG.
OO OO OO OO OO...
OO OO OO OO OO... OO OO OO OO OO OO OO,
OO OO.
BOYFRIEND
16. YO, GIRL
MARTHA
THERE WAS A BOY I MET IN KINDERGARTEN.
HE WAS SWEET,
HE SAID THAT I WAS SMART.
HE WAS GOOD AT SPORTS AND PEOPLE LIKED
HIM.
AND AT NAP TIME ONCE WE SHARED A MAT.
I DIDN’T SLEEP,
I SAT AND WATCHED HIM BREATHING;
WATCHED HIM DREAM FOR NEARLY
HALF AN HOUR.
OO OO OO OO, OO OO OO OO OO...
THEN HE WOKE UP.
HE PULLED A SCAB OFF ONE TIME
HEATHER DUKE
Martha Dumptruck took a belly-flop off the Old
Mill Bridge last night holding a suicide note.
EVERYONE’S PUSHING,
EVERYONE’S FIGHTING,
STORMS ARE APPROACHING,
THERE’S NOWHERE TO HIDE!
IF I SAY THE WRONG THING
OR I WEAR THE WRONG OUTFIT
THEY’LL THROW ME
RIGHT OVER THE SIDE!
I’M HUGGING MY KNEES,
AND THE CAPTAIN IS POINTING.
WELL, WHO MADE HER CAPTAIN?
STILL, THE WEAKEST MUST GO.
THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT,
FULL OF PEOPLE I KNOW.
THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT,
FULL OF PEOPLE I KNOW.
14. SHINE A LIGHT
(REPRISE)
(Heather McNamara struggles to open
the pill bottle)
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Stupid child-proof caps!
HEATHER DUKE & KIDS
(Variously) AW, LOOK,
HEATHER’S GOING TO—
WHINE, WHINE, WHINE ALL NIGHT!
YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE.
WHY NOT KILL YOURSELF?
HERE, HAVE A SEDATIVE!
WHINE, WHINE, WHINE!
LIKE THERE’S NO SANTA CLAUS.
YOU’RE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU WHINE—
YOU WHINE ALL NIGHT!
YOUR ASS IS OFF THE TEAM.
GO ON AND BITCH AND MOAN.
YOU DON’T DESERVE THE DREAM... YOU’RE
GONNA DIE ALONE!
DIE ALONE! (x4)
VERONICA
Oh my God. Is she—?
HEATHER DUKE
Just some broken bones. Just another geek
trying to imitate the popular people and failing
miserably.
DEAD KIDS
YO, GIRL. KEEP IT TOGETHER.
I KNEW YOU WOULD COME FAR.
NOW YOU’RE TRULY A HEATHER.
KATIE LADNER
SMELL HOW GANGSTA YOU ARE.
(Lights up on Martha in a hospital bed)
VERONICA
Martha, I’m so sorry.
DEAD KIDS
YO, GIRL. FEEL A BIT PUNCHY?
SHE’S NOT LOOKING SO WELL...
STILL, YOU’VE EARNED THAT RED SCRUNCHIE.
COME JOIN HEATHER IN HELL.
(Lights change, Veronica runs into Mom and Dad)
DAD
Where have you been?
MOM
We’ve been worried sick. Your friend J.D. stopped
by. He told us everything.
VERONICA
... Everything?
DAD
Your depression. Your thoughts of suicide.
MOM
He even showed us your copy of
“Moby Dick.”
HEATHER CHANDLER
He’s got your handwriting down cold.
MOM
Please, honey—talk to us.
VERONICA
No, you wouldn’t understand.
MOM
Try me. I’ve experienced everything you’re going
through right now.
DEAD KIDS
GUESS WHO’S RIGHT DOWN THE BLOCK?
MOM
Your problems seem like life and death.
DEAD KIDS
GUESS WHO’S CLIMBING THE STAIRS?
MOM
I promise, they’re not.
DEAD KIDS
GUESS WHO’S PICKING YOUR LOCK?
VERONICA
You don’t know what my world looks like.
DEAD KIDS
TIME’S UP. GO SAY YOUR PRAYERS
(Veronica barricades herself in her closet)
VERONICA’S RUNNING ON,
RUNNING ON FUMES NOW.
VERONICA’S TOTALLY FRIED.
VERONICA’S GOTTA BE
TRIPPIN’ ON ‘SHROOMS NOW,
THINKING THAT SHE CAN HIDE.
VERONICA’S DONE FOR,
THERE’S NO DOUBT NOW,
NOTIFY NEXT OF KIN.
VERONICA’S TRYING TO
KEEP HIM OUT NOW.
TOO LATE—HE GOT IN.
POUR OUT THE DOORS.
BRING MARSHMALLOWS,
WE’LL MAKE S’MORES!
WE CAN SMILE AND CUDDLE WHILE
THE FIRE ROARS!
CHEEK TO CHEEK IN HELL
WITH A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
J.D.
Knock knock!
Sorry to come in through the window. Dreadful
etiquette, I know.
J.D. & DEAD KIDS
I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS!
WE WERE MEANT TO BE ONE!
I CAN’T MAKE IT ALONE!
FINISH WHAT WE’VE BEGUN!
YOU WERE MEANT TO BE MINE!
I AM ALL THAT YOU NEED!
YOU CARVED OPEN MY HEART,
CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME TO BLEED!
VERONICA, OPEN THE, OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE,
VERONICA, OPEN THE DOOR.
VERONICA, CAN WE NOT FIGHT ANYMORE
PLEASE, CAN WE NOT FIGHT ANYMORE?
VERONICA, SURE, YOU’RE SCARED,
I’VE BEEN THERE. I CAN SET YOU FREE!
VERONICA, DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE.
I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE!
ONE! TWO! FUCK IT!
(J.D. kicks open the closet door. Veronica dangles
from an improvised bedsheet noose)
MS. FLEMING
Veronica! Jason Dean told us you’d just committed suicide.
VERONICA
Get out of my house!
17. Meant
to be yours
J.D.
All is forgiven, baby! Come out and get dressed!
You’re my date to the pep rally tonight!
YOU CHUCKED ME OUT LIKE I WAS TRASH,
FOR THAT YOU SHOULD BE DEAD—
BUT! BUT! BUT!
THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A FLASH:
WHAT IF HIGH SCHOOL WENT AWAY INSTEAD?
THOSE ASSHOLES ARE THE KEY!
THEY’RE KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM ME!
THEY MADE YOU BLIND,
MESSED UP YOUR MIND,
BUT I CAN SET YOU FREE!
YOU LEFT ME AND I FELL APART,
I PUNCHED THE WALL AND CRIED—
BAM! BAM! BAM!
THEN I FOUND YOU’D CHANGED MY HEART
AND SET LOOSE ALL THAT
TRUTHFUL SHIT INSIDE!
AND SO I BUILT A BOMB;
TONIGHT OUR SCHOOL IS VIETNAM!
LET’S GUARANTEE THEY’LL NEVER SEE
THEIR SENIOR PROM!
I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS!
WE WERE MEANT TO BE ONE!
DON’T GIVE UP ON ME NOW!
FINISH WHAT WE’VE BEGUN!
I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS!
SO WHEN THE HIGH SCHOOL GYM
GOES BOOM
WITH EVERYONE INSIDE—
PCHW! PCHW! PCHW!
IN THE RUBBLE OF THEIR TOMB
WE’LL PLANT THIS NOTE
EXPLAINING WHY THEY DIED!
J.D. & DEAD KIDS
“We, the students of Westerberg High will die.
Our burnt bodies may finally get through to you.
Your society churns out slaves and blanks. No
thanks. Signed, The Students of Westerberg
High...Goodbye.”
J.D.
WE’LL WATCH THE SMOKE
J.D.
Oh my God...No... Veronica...
PLEASE, DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE...
YOU WERE ALL I COULD TRUST...
I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE...
J.D. & DEAD KIDS
STILL, I WILL IF I MUST!
18. DEAD GIRL WALKING
(REPRISE)
VERONICA
I WANTED SOMEONE STRONG
WHO COULD PROTECT ME.
I LET HIS ANGER FESTER AND INFECT ME.
HIS SOLUTION IS A LIE;
NO ONE HERE DESERVES TO DIE,
EXCEPT FOR ME AND THE MONSTER
I CREATED!...
YEAH... YEAH! HEADS UP, J.D!
I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
All BUT VERONICA
HEY YO WESTERBERG!
VERONICA
CAN’T HIDE FROM ME!
I’M YOUR DEAD GIRL WALKING!
All BUT VERONICA
HEY YO WESTERBERG!
VERONICA
AND THERE’S YOUR FINAL BELL,
IT’S ONE MORE DANCE AND THEN FAREWELL,
HEATHER MCNAMARA
COME ON, WESTERBERG!
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO NOW!
VERONICA
Yeah well, he’s wrong about a lot of things.
MS. FLEMING
I threw together a lovely tribute. Especially given
the short notice.
VERONICA
Ms. Fleming, what’s under the gym?
MS. FLEMING
The boiler room.
VERONICA
That’s it!
MS. FLEMING
Veronica, what’s going on?
VERONICA
GOT NO TIME TO TALK, I’M A DEAD GIRL...
WALKING!
STUDENTS AND CHEERLEADERS
HEY YO WESTERBERG!
HEY YO WESTERBERG!
TELL ME WHAT’S THAT SOUND?
HERE COMES WESTERBERG
COMIN’ TO PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!
GO GO WESTERBERG,
GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL,
WESTERBERG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT
AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!
(The boiler room. J.D. Is planting a bomb;
Veronica enters)
VERONICA
Step away from the bomb.
J.D.
(laughs) This little thing? I’d hardly call this a
bomb. This is just to set off the packs of thermals
upstairs in the gym. Those are bombs. People are
going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say
there’s a school that self-destructed not because
society didn’t care, but because that school was
society. The only place Heathers and Marthas
can truly get along is in Heaven!
VERONICA
I WISH YOUR MOM HAD BEEN
A LITTLE STRONGER.
I WISH SHE’D STAYED AROUND
A LITTLE LONGER.
I WISH YOUR DAD WERE GOOD,
I WISH GROWNUPS UNDERSTOOD;
I WISH WE’D MET BEFORE
THEY CONVINCED YOU LIFE IS WAR.
I WISH YOU’D COME WITH ME—
J.D.
I WISH I HAD MORE TNT.
(WHAM! Veronica whacks J.D.’s gun hand with
the croquet mallet)
J.D.
Aah! Jesus!
(J.D. and Veronica scramble for the gun)
KIDS, CHEERLEADERS
HEY YO WESTERBERG!
TELL ME WHAT’S THAT SOUND?
HERE COMES WESTERBERG,
COMIN’ TO PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!
GO GO WESTERBERG,
GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL!
WESTERBERG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT AND
SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO—
(BANG! They lock eyes. Someone just got shot)
19. I
AM DAMAGED
J.D.
I AM DAMAGED.
FAR TOO DAMAGED.
BUT YOU’RE NOT BEYOND REPAIR.
STICK AROUND HERE. MAKE THINGS BETTER.
’CAUSE YOU BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE.
(J.D. takes the bomb from Veronica)
J.D.
PLEASE STAND BACK NOW.
...LITTLE FURTHER.
DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS THING WILL DO.
HOPE YOU MISS ME. WISH YOU’D KISS ME.
THEN YOU’D KNOW I WORSHIP YOU.
I’LL TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS.
VERONICA
OH MY GOD—
J.D.
AND ONCE I DISAPPEAR,
VERONICA
WAIT, HOLD ON—
J.D.
CLEAN UP THE MESS DOWN HERE.
VERONICA
NOT THIS WAY...
J.D.
OUR LOVE IS GOD. (x5)
VERONICA
SAY HI TO GOD.
(Explosion and blackout. Lights up on
Westerberg students and faculty, drawn by
the noise. Veronica enters, face blackened,
hair frazzled, jacket singed. Heather Duke
and Heather McNamara rush up)
HEATHER MCNAMARA
Where have you been? People were saying you killed
yourself.
VERONICA, MARTHA, GUYS
MAC, GIRLS
BUT LET’S KICK BACK TONIGHT!
AND YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW,
HEATHER DUKE
You look like hell.
LET’S GO BE
SEVENTEEN,
YOU KNOW...
VERONICA
I just got back.
WE CAN BE
BEAUTIFUL.
(She removes Heather Duke’s red scrunchie and
ties it around her own hair)
TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND DANCE.
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW,
ACT LIKE WE’RE ALL STILL KIDS,
YOU KNOW...
CAUSE THIS COULD BE CAUSE THIS
COULD BE
OUR FINAL
OUR FINAL...
CHANCE!
AND YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW,
ALWAYS BE
SEVENTEEN,
YOU KNOW...
HEATHER DUKE
Hey! What are you doing?
20. SEVENTEEN
(REPRISE)
VERONICA
LISTEN UP, FOLKS. WAR IS OVER.
BRAND NEW SHERIFF’S COME TO TOWN.
WE ARE DONE WITH ACTING EVIL,
WE WILL LAY OUR WEAPONS DOWN.
WE’RE ALL DAMAGED,
WE’RE ALL FRIGHTENED.
WE’RE ALL FREAKS,
BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT.
WE’LL ENDURE IT. WE’LL SURVIVE IT.
MARTHA, ARE YOU FREE TONIGHT?
(Martha enters in a motorized wheelchair)
MARTHA
What?
VERONICA
My date for the pep rally kind of blew... me off.
So I was wondering if you weren’t doing anything
tonight, maybe we could pop some Jiffy Pop, rent some
new releases? ...Something with a happy ending?
MARTHA
Are there any happy endings?
VERONICA
I CAN’T PROMISE NO MORE HEATHERS.
HIGH SCHOOL MAY NOT EVER END.
STILL, I MISS YOU. I’D BE HONORED
IF YOU’D LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND...
MARTHA
MY FRIEND...
(Martha takes Veronica’s hand)
VERONICA, MARTHA
WE CAN BE SEVENTEEN,
WE CAN LEARN HOW TO CHILL.
(Veronica offers a hand to McNamara)
IF NO ONE LOVES ME NOW,
SOMEDAY SOMEBODY WILL.
WE CAN BE SEVENTEEN,
STILL TIME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
ONE DAY WE’LL CHANGE THE WORLD...
(Heather McNamara joins, forming a trio)
WE CAN BE
BEAUTIFUL.
CELEBRATE, YOU AND I.
YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE WON’T
GROW OLD,
YOU KNOW...
ALL
AND MAYBE THEN WE’LL NEVER DIE!
WE’LL MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL! (x2)
BEAUTIFUL! (x4)