2012 12 BP Sac-Placer News December

Bereaved Parents of the USA
Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter
December 2012
Gatherings & Activities
Inside this issue
December 2012 Gatherings
November Gatherings
1
Welcome
2
Keys to Recovery
2
Hope for the Holidays Part 2
3
Certain Events Change Our Lives
Forever
3
2012 Candle Lighting
4
Lost but Not Forgotten
5
2013 National Gathering
6
The Day After
7
Reader’s Choice
7
Family Bulletin Board
8
BP/USA Guiding Principles
9
Chapter Contacts
9
Donations
9
Local Resources
10
Resources for Young Adults, Teens
& Children
11
Internet Resources
12
Moms
Sacramento Valley Area (First Thursday)
Date & Time: Thursday, December 6, 6:00 p.m.
Location: Linda’s home in Roseville. For address, RSVP to
[email protected] or 916-768-3891. Linda has a
lovely dinner planned for us. Please bring a dessert to share. Linda
will provide the rest of the dinner. Bring a photo of your child.
South Placer County Foothills Area (Second Thursday)
Our Auburn moms group will be taking a break during November
and December. With sufficient interest, this group will resume in
January 2013. If you are located in the Auburn area and would like
to participate as a co-leader of this group, call Chris at 916-768-3891
or email [email protected].
Dads
Sac Valley/South Placer County Areas (Second Thursday)
Date & Time: Thursday, December 13, 6:00 p.m.
Location: Carrow’s Restaurant, 100 N Sunrise Ave, Roseville.
Details: Dinner ordered individually from the menu.
RSVP to [email protected] or 916-806-7305.
“…whatever you decide to do this year may change
on an annual basis, or it may become a tradition,
depending on how you feel at the time.”
Kay Bevington, Alive Alone 2012 Holiday Newsletter
Save the date!
January Parent Groups
Moms 1/3; Dads 12/10
National Gathering, 7/26-28/ 2013
Bereaved Parents of the USA
2012 Worldwide Candle Lighting
Watch for new information in our newsletter
December 9, 2012, 6:00 p.m. The Worldwide Candle
every month.
Lighting gives families everywhere the opportunity to
Remember their child…that their light may always shine! Lost But Not Forgotten – Sunday Dec. 16
A Warm and Understanding Welcome to Our Newcomers
If you are reading our newsletter for the first time, we hope you will find the information to be helpful.
During the holidays, bereaved parents often need more help and encouragement than at other times
during the year. We are here for you.
KEYS TO RECOVERY
Part 12 of a series
Emotional Investments
Grief is a process.
Recovery is a choice.
The way we grieve is a decision.
We wonder why the holidays are so difficult. We may our every wish, we enjoyed a huge dinner, and life was
continually be on the verge of tears, go on impulsive good. As parents, we invest a lot of emotional energy
shopping sprees, or we may want to escape alone to a dark into giving our children the best Christmas we can
room. Regardless of our behavior, many of us dread this imagine. Some of us start our holiday shopping as early
season because we miss our child who has died.
as October, so for 3 months we invest our emotional
Throughout our lives, we make emotional investments energy into finding the perfect gifts for the people on
into people and experiences.
The experiences we our list. For many of us, our investment into the holiday
remember more clearly are those into which we invested season is huge.
more emotional energy. Have you ever purchased a new
So, what happens when our child is abruptly
car? Hopefully you did the research to find out what make snatched from our holidays? If they are away at college
and model would best suit your needs. Was gas mileage an and can’t come home, we may hope that they will
issue? How about the color? What level of comfort were surprise us and show up at the door on Christmas
you looking for? Making all the decisions about your new morning! But if our child has died, then we may be
car required a lot of emotional investment. And when you crushed with the thought that we have nothing to hope
drove your new car off the lot, you probably felt a great for. We may feel as if all of the emotional energy that
deal of satisfaction. This is one of those experiences you we poured into our child, and into the holidays, has been
are likely to remember.
rendered of no value. Our loss is overwhelming and it’s
We make a similar investment into people. As parents, out of our control! Until we are able to work through
we invest an immeasurable amount of emotional energy our grief, the holidays may have turned into the most
into our children. We are responsible to care for them and painful time of the year for us.
provide their needs. Our children are the focus of our love
So, what happens when the connection with the
and affection. We want them to have the best, so we invest person we have invested so much emotional energy into
our time, money, and emotional energy for many years into is severed? Our emotional reaction is called grief. The
trying to make it happen for them.
larger the investment, the deeper the grief experience.
In considering the holidays, our emotional investment How can we help but feel emotionally destroyed during
may have been negative or positive. Growing up, we may the holidays after our child has died? If our past holiday
have had negative experiences at Christmas time because experiences were positive, as time passes and we work
of abuse or a parent that was absent.. Or we might have through our grief, our joy and excitement about the
been disappointed at not receiving the gifts we wanted holidays will likely return… but maybe not to the same
which could have led to anger or jealousy. These emotions degree as before. Part of this process will be finding a
could have led to negative behavior, or feelings that we new focus for our emotional investment. It could be a
may have had to stuff. The holidays are lonely for many greater emphasis on the religious aspect of the holidays,
people who are alone which often leads to depression. or involvement in a service project, or an opportunity to
Because of negative emotional investments, some people give a gift in memory of your child.
may want to avoid the holidays altogether.
Understanding how our emotional investment
affects
our grief is helpful as we consider the impact the
In contrast, perhaps our holiday experiences were
holiday
season has on us.
positive. We visited with loving family, Santa gave us our
every
visited with
lovingGRIEF
family,
Santa
gavefeeling exhausted the day after the holiday, don’t over estimate
STEPSpositive.
TO WORKWe
THROUGH
HOLIDAY
: 1)
To avoid
us
what you’ll feel up to doing on the holiday. It’s better to plan too little than too much and end up feeling overwhelmed. Plan
for relaxation, rest and good nourishment. 2) Include a time of tribute to your child during the holiday. 3) Realize that mild
depression usually follows big events. Understand that this will probably pass quickly and you may actually feel relieved
when the holiday is over.
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 2
Hope for the Holidays
CERTAIN EVENTS
CHANGE OUR LIVES
FOREVER
Part 2
Here are a few more suggestions for surviving the holidays,
continued from our November 2012 newsletter.
Your Wish List
You may choose to send your “wish list” of requests to
friends and family to let them know some of the ways they
can help you or things they can do to honor your child. This
will help alleviate the stress for them as well. Let them
know what would be most comforting for you… a hug, a
prayer, talking about your child, or not saying a word.
THE DEATH OF A CHILD, A SPOUSE, A CLOSE
FAMILY MEMBER, OR ANY LOVED ONE MAKES A
PERMANENT MARK ON THE LANDSCAPE OF OUR LIVES.
CERTAIN TRAGEDIES TAKE US TO PLACES WHERE WE
Escape Route
You may want to escape all the hustle and bustle and
holiday cheer. That’s ok! Pick a nice quiet location where
you can have some time to yourself.
HAVE NEVER BEEN AND FROM WHICH WE CAN NEVER
– NOR SHOULD WE WISH TO.
THE OBJECT OF GRIEVING SHOULD NOT BE TO “GET
OVER” THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE BUT INSTEAD TO
COMPLETELY RETURN
INCORPORATE BOTH THE LOVE AND THE LOSS INTO OUR
Reach Out to Others
Helping someone else during this emotionally packed season
is often the most rewarding and helpful thing we can do for
ourselves as bereaved parents. This time of year provides
many opportunities to help others enjoy their holiday. When
we are able to turn our grief into a way to help others, it will
lift our spirits as well as theirs.
Christmas Feast
Preparing a holiday meal may be difficult for you this year.
Consider serving food your child enjoyed or eating out at a
restaurant you ate at with your child
HEARTS…SO THAT WE MIGHT LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN.
MANY YEARS AFTER THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE, LONG
AFTER WE HAVE “PROCESSED” OUR GRIEF AND “MOVED
ON” WITH OUR LIVES, WE MAY FIND OURSELVES
REDUCED TO TEARS AT THE SIGHT OF AN OLD PHOTOGRAPH OR THE FIRST BAR OF AN OLD FAMILIAR SONG.
DOES THIS MEAN THAT WE ARE IN SOME WAY
DEFICIENT OR THAT OUR MOURNING IS SOMEHOW
INCOMPLETE?
NO. IT SIMPLY REMINDS US THAT SOME
LOSSES STAY WITH US FOREVER AND THAT OUR LOVED
ONES ARE TOO IMPORTANT TO EVER BE ERASED FROM
OUR HEARTS.
Include Your Child In your Holiday
Perhaps prior to the death of your child, your family had
settled into a routine for the holidays that hadn’t changed for
the past several years. Obviously, it’s difficult to imagine
enjoying the same activities that used to be so much fun!
There are ways that you can include your child in this year’s
activities such as a balloon release, a stop at the cemetery on
the way to Grandpa’s house, adding a new decoration to
your tree with one of your favorite photos of them, or asking
each family member to write a personal note to them to
place in their Christmas stocking on Christmas Eve.
The Trade Off
There are some positive trade offs that come with acknowledging and accepting that things will never be the same. A
new world of creativity will open up to us that will be rewarding. Considering what we can do to honor our child during
the holidays will help us cope with this difficult season.
AND THAT’S GOOD. BECAUSE IN OUR
– AND IN GOD’S – IS PRECISELY WHERE OUR
LOVED ONES BELONG FOREVER.”
HEARTS
A Journey with God Beyond Grief
Dr. Crisswell Freeman
Umbrella Ministries December 2011 Newsletter
“Love’s flame may flicker, but it never dies. May this
candle’s flame that we light during the Christmas
Season help us reflect the treasured memories of the
life and love that we shared with our child; a symbol
of hope and a reminder that they are here with
us in our hearts and in our memories. The
time was too brief, the experiences too few,
but the love and memories will last forever.”
“For you will light my candle: The Lord my
God will enlighten my darkness.” PSALM 18:28
UMBRELLA MINISTRIES DECEMBER 2011 NEWSLETTER
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 3
Annual World Wide Candle Lighting
Presented by the Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter
Bereaved Parents of the USA
Hope
Our theme is “Hope.” Our special guest speaker
this year is Reverend Master Senior Chaplain
Mindi Russell who currently serves as Executive
Director of the Sacramento Law Enforcement
Chaplaincy. Please invite your family members
and friends. Our desire is that those who attend
will be encouraged and leave with hope in their
hearts.
Things to Remember
To have your child listed in the printed program for
the Candle Lighting, please email the following
information to [email protected]
no later than December 4:
1) Your child’s full name, date of birth, date of loss.
2) If your child served in the US military at any time,
please include their branch of service and rank.
3) Parent(s) and sibling(s) names.
Information will be needed by December 4.
Framed Photos to Display
Please bring a framed photo of your child to display in
the front of the auditorium.
Refreshments
You are encouraged to bring your child’s favorite
holiday snack to share during our refreshment time.
May our children’s memories burn forever
like a candle in our hearts.
Montage DVDs Available
Copies of the Montage/slide show of our children will be
available for a donation of $12.50 each. DVDs ordered
early will be available to take home at the close of the
evening. Payment will be received upon delivery.
Proceeds will benefit our local Chapter. If your DVD
needs to be shipped, please add $3.00 to offset the cost of
shipping.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
6:00 – 8:30 p.m.
Hope
This is a
beautiful event
that you won’t
want to miss!
Hosted by Creekside Church
290 Technology Way, Rocklin 95765
History of the Worldwide Candle Lighting
The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the USA in
1997 by The Compassionate Friends (TCF) as a small
Internet observance. It has since grown as word about
the remembrance has spread throughout the world.
During the memorial service, candles will be lit from 78 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light as it
moves from time zone to time zone around the world,
commemorating and honoring children who have died.
You are invited to post a message in the Remembrance
Book which will be available on December 9 on line at
www.compassionatefriends.org. Every year, thousands
of messages are posted in memory of children.
This year will be the seventh candle lighting sponsored
by the Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter of the
BP/USA (formerly Sean Sullivan Project). Our local
children will be remembered during this very beautiful
and touching memorial service. Families are invited to
bring friends. Unfortunately, we are unable to provide
child care.
Donations
There is no charge to attend this event, however
donations are received with gratitude to help defray
costs. 501(c)(3). A donation basket will be available
at the event. Please write checks to BP/USA.
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 4
Lost But Not Forgotten
Linda, Rob & James Warn, Sponsors
In Honor of Rob and Lil Chris
Robert “Rob” Charles Warn
3/5/1984 – 8/18/2008
Christopher “lil Chris” Lee Baker
6/5/1979 – 9/19/2008
Santa is coming! Turkeys & Food Baskets, Christmas Stockings, Clothing from
Famous Stars and Straps, Gifts for the Family Members, Pizza for the Party!
All this and more for 50 local under-privileged children and their families. What a blessing
to help these families that have been identified and screened by the Roseville Police Activities
League (RPAL).
Event Date & Time: December 16, Sunday afternoon, 1:00 p.m.
Location: Police Activities League Gym, 110 Corporation Yard Rd, Roseville
(Behind Roseville Police Dept off Washington Blvd.)
There is excitement among many of the moms in our support group, and we appreciate your
involvement. Sponsors, gifts, food and donated items are still needed for these families.
Mark your calendar and get involved!
Gift Wrapping & Set Up dates in the RPAL Gym
Saturday, December 8, 8:00 am til noon - Gift wrapping
Saturday, December 15, 9:00 pm til finished – Gift wrapping & set up for event
Sunday, December 16, 1:00 pm - The Party!
Contact Linda Warn to let her know how you will participate.
Call 916-783-0731 or email to [email protected].
Attend this event and participate in brightening the
holidays for one of our local under privileged families.
You’ll be glad you did!
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 5
Golden Nuggets of Hope
2013 National Gathering of the
Bereaved Parents of the USA
Lions Gate Hotel &
Conference Center
Sacramento, CA
July 26-28, 2013
For workshop applications visit
www.bereavedparentsusa.org/gathering
Watch upcoming newsletters for more exciting news
about this National Gathering!
Featured Speakers
Dr. Darcie Sims
Dr. Gloria Horsley
Dr. Heidi Horsley
Dr. Bob Baugher
Mitch Carmody
Susan Levy
Darryl Hutson
Kris Munsch of The Birdhouse Project
Workshops
Attend workshops on many topics related to
grief after losing a child.
Other things to look forward to
Sharing sessions, sibling programs, California Café,
and Wings of Hope Boutique.
Why attend a national gathering
for bereaved parents?
• If you have attended one of our bereaved parent
gatherings and have received the help and
encouragement you were looking for, you can be
confident that you will gain much much more from
this conference than you did from the support
group.
• Hear outstanding speakers and learn from some of
the leading experts in the nation about key topics
related to your grief journey.
• Receive helpful tools you need to transition from
mourning to living again after the loss of your child.
• Learn along with other parents from across the USA
how to enjoy life again after the loss of a child.
Registration opens in January
www.bereavedparentsusa.org
or www.sspcc.org
Other things to look forward to
Sharing sessions, sibling programs, California Café,
and Wings of Hope Boutique.
Many ways to get involved
Contact [email protected] or
[email protected] to find out how
you can help.
I look around the table and see
those who mean the most to me.
So why are my eyes
filled with tears?
Because I also see those
who are not there.
- Author unknown
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 6
The Day After
Dec
26
There are many books and articles full of information that will help us as we prepare for the holidays. But
what about after it’s over? How are we going to feel
then?
With the first or second holiday season after our
loved one died, we don’t have a good track record as to
how we felt “last time.” Fear of the unknown often
causes anxiety because we don’t know what to expect.
If the previous year was really difficult for us, it’s
normal to assume that this holiday season will be the
same. Many of us just resign ourselves to the anticipation that it’s going to be horrible.
Undoubtedly throughout the day, we may experience thoughts of sadness or moments of anxiety, but
we should also allow ourselves to be joyful. It’s not
likely to be 24-hours of intense grief.
Many of us have discovered that the better prepared
we are for “The Day,” the easier the next day will be for
us. If we include a time of remembrance for our child
during “The Day,” or serve one of their favorite holiday
treats, we won’t have regrets later that we neglected our
child and wish that we had made different plans.
It’s not unusual the next day or two following a special day to feel a bit blue or depressed.
Our energy has been depleted and we may be
exhausted both emotionally and physically. Lack
of proper nourishment and sleep will magnify
the negative effects of depression. By planning a
simple day and allowing time to rest, we are
likely not be so drained the next day.
After the day is over, we may look back and
think, “That wasn’t as difficult as I thought it was
going to be.” Now that it’s over, we can move
forward knowing that the worst is in the past.
Anticipating a better day gives us the hope that
we can make it through the next one.
Today I cried because you died.
Today I smiled for just awhile.
Today I laughed, and then I gasped.
Today I cried…because I laughed.
© Christine Ross
In Memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979-2001
Reader’s Choice
Open to Hope,
Inspirational Stories for Handling
the Holidays After Loss
By Gloria Horsley
Getting through the hectic holiday season can be especially tough when you’re
grieving the loss of someone you love. How do you get through the busy days
ahead, filled with social gatherings, gift shopping, and Christmas cheer you may
not be feeling? You’ll find practical advice and encouragement from these heartfelt stories and articles
contributed by the wonderful writers at the Open to Hope Foundation. They have navigated many of the
same confusing, anxiety-producing decisions you may be coping with now, so let them guide you. They
have been there before you and made it, and you can, too.
100% of proceeds from all books go to the Open to Hope Foundation.
To order visit www.opentohope.com/FeaturedBooks
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 7
Family Bulletin Board
Donna Woodard will help you
celebrate your memories
Spend a day with Donna,
making a scrapbook that you
will treasure.
Preserve your memories of your
child.
Bring wallet size photos.
Materials provided at no charge.
Call Donna at 916-338-3521 to
schedule your scrapbooking date!
The deadline for submitting
your child’s name for the
Candle Lighting printed
program is December 4.
Details are on page 4.
Be kind to yourself
Join us!
This year do your holiday shopping on line. Go
to www.BereavedParentsUSA.com and access
Amazon.com through the link at the bottom of
program designed to give you hope
CandleAforradio
the home page. All purchases made through
the future, healing for your journey and
this link will benefit the Bereaved Parents of
help with your grief and other life issues.
the USA national organization with 4%-13% of
Saturday mornings
each sale. Thank you, Amazon!
11:00 til Noon Pacific Time
KFIA Radio AM 710
Hope, Healing & Help
2013 National Gathering of the
Bereaved Parents of the USA
Lions Gate Hotel &
Conference Center
Sacramento, CA
July 26-28, 2013
Host Chapter:
Sacramento-Placer County
For workshop applications, registration forms, and
to donate visit ww.bereavedparentsusa.org/gathering
Look for new information each month in our
chapter newsletter – www.sspcc.org !
Radio Show Host Ron Harder of
Heritage Oaks Memorial Chapel
Listen on line:
www.iheart.com/#/live/6015/
http://www.kfia.com/ click on “Listen Live:
http://hopehealinghelp.com
Our Auburn moms group needs a coleader who lives in the Auburn area.
Call Chris at 916-768-3891 or email
[email protected]
to find out how you can be involved.
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 8
Bereaved Parents of the USA Guiding Principles
Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter
We are the parents whose children have died. We are the grandparents who have buried grandchildren. We are the
siblings whose brothers and sisters no longer walk with us through life.
We come together as Bereaved Parents of the USA to provide a haven where all bereaved families can meet and
share our long and arduous grief journeys. We attend monthly gatherings whenever we can and for as long as we
believe necessary. We share our fears, confusion, anger, guilt, frustrations, emptiness and feelings of hopelessness so
that hope can be found anew. As we accept, support, comfort and encourage each other, we demonstrate to each other
that survival is possible.
Together we celebrate the lives of our children, share the joys and triumphs as well as the love that will never fade.
Together we learn how little it matters where we live, what our color or our affluence is, or what faith we uphold as we
confront the tragedies of our children’s deaths.
Together, strengthened by the bonds we forge at our gatherings, we offer what we have learned to each other and to
every more recently bereaved family.
We look forward to printing your articles and
We are the Bereaved Parents of the USA. We welcome you.
tributes to your child in our newsletter.
Contact Chris Harder, 916-768-3891 or
[email protected]
*******************************
Back issues of our newsletter are posted on
our chapter website: www.sspcc.org
Our Chapter Contacts
Chris Harder (son, 22, drowning) – 916.768.3891, [email protected]
Corinne Summers (son, 22, murdered) – 916.296.2045, [email protected]
Marchelle Meyer (son, 23, motorcycle accident) – 916.947.6767, [email protected]
Rinda Pope (son, 19, military active duty Iraq) – 916.524.1939, [email protected]
Ron Harder (son, 22, drowning) – 916.806.7605, [email protected]
Have you had your bear hug today?
Donations Accepted With Appreciation
This holiday season, consider making a donation in your
child’s name to The Sacramento-South Placer County
Chapter of the Bereaved Parents of the USA (BP/USA).
Checks to Bereaved Parents of the USA, 330 Vernon Street
#123, Roseville, CA 95678. Tax deductible receipts upon
request.
We appreciate and will use wisely any and all donations
for the support of bereaved families.
BP/USA Sacramento-South Placer County Chapter Newsletter – December 2012 – Page 9