Personal Narratives of Mental Illness

SILENT
VOICES
Personal Narratives of
Mental Illness
PREFACE
The hard reality of the lack of mental healthcare in India is what we came face to face
with during the research process of Satyamev Jayate’s episode on Nurturing Mental
Health. The ignorance and stigma surrounding mental illnesses in our country was
shocking, especially because 1 in 4 people in the world suffer from a mental illness at
some point of time in their lives.
Suicide is the second highest cause of death amongst those aged 15–30 in India. We
met parents, friends and siblings who had lost their dear ones to suicide. Many of our
interviewees with mental illness or those facing emotional distress didn’t know that
help in the form of counselling, medication and alternative treatments was available.
Many were hesitant to seek this help for the fear of being considered ‘crazy’ or ‘mad’,
and instead resorted to often harmful, superstitious practices for cure. We also
learnt that a lot of the treatment is inaccessible or unaffordable for the vast majority
of our country. However, there are also several heroic examples of individuals and
organisations engaged in the care and cure of the mentally ill.
After our episode on mental health was aired on November 2, 2014, we received
thousands of messages from our show’s viewers online and offline. This booklet
contains narratives that we received from our viewers on living or dealing with
mental illnesses. The stories are divided into four broad categories—Depression,
Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia and Suicide. We have made efforts to reach out to
those seeking help and connected them with experts, wherever possible.
All names in this booklet have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals
involved with the exception of those who asked for their names to be retained. These
voices deserve to be heard by all of us so that they can help us understand the various
gaps in the mental health space and address them more effectively.
Love,
Team Satyamev Jayate
PREFACE
DEPRESSION
Episode Guest: Yatin Nadkarni
“
I felt like I was falling into
a well. The deeper I fell, the
more the darkness around
me increased.
”
2
I am generally a happy person and grateful for all my blessings. I am a single
mother of four living children (I gave birth to six). I got married when I was 19
and went through a lot of abuse from my husband—emotional, verbal,
financial and some physical. He also betrayed me with my best friend and had
a child with her while he was still married to me. Despite all this, I was always
a smiling, positive and strong person. I eat well, dress well, keep fit, have my
own business and have a good social life.
In 2011, I woke up and had a breakdown. I was diagnosed with clinical
depression. It took my family and me by surprise and we were shocked as I
had always looked happy and was always smiling. The depression was very
severe. I could not go out of my house. I didn‘t shower for days and I didn‘t
change my clothes. I just lay on my sofa the whole day. I didn‘t eat or drink
much. I was put under professional care at my house. I was in no state of mind
to absorb any information. I was put on different medications but nothing
worked.
Even though I have four grown-up children who work as professionals, they
just didn‘t understand my condition and were unable to help me. Now I am on
the road to recovery and can do most of the things that I could do before and
even more. I have understood that depression is not a sign of weakness. It may
be a sign of not dealing with stuff for too long and pushing it under the carpet.
We should not be ashamed of showing our weaknesses and asking for help
when we need it. We need to break the stigma of depression and look after our
health properly.
-Zeenat
I am a 70-year-old person and I had been going through severe depression. I
was thinking that I would live for a maximum of five more years. Satyamev
Jayate‘s episode on Nurturing Mental Health increased my self-confidence,
willpower, vision and mentality. Now I can say that I will live up to 90 years at
least!
-Gurdeep
3
I live in the US and am a data analyst. Very few people know that I attempted
suicide. Fortunately I couldn‘t do it then and delayed the idea by a few
seconds. Each time I would delay it, my mind would change.
I was very good in studies and was a school topper. I used to get only
appreciation from all. Things changed when I came to Hyderabad in the
summer of 1997 for my coaching. My expectations were very high and I used
to study for 16 hours a day. I didn‘t get marks as per my expectations. Because
of my introvert nature, I didn‘t know how to mingle, speak or behave with
people. I felt a strange emptiness in my stomach. My breath was shallow and I
suffered from a lack of concentration. I broke down often. I left my classes and
returned home.
My mother was very worried and she took me to a doctor. The doctor
concluded after observing all my symptoms that I was suffering from a
psychological disorder called depression. We had no idea what exactly it was.
Over a period of time, it got worse.
But I would put up a brave front because my parents were worried about my
condition. There were days when I would feel okay, but at times, within a day,
there was a roller-coaster of emotions. I used to forget routes and bus
numbers in which I had travelled previously. My family helped me to
overcome this situation and somehow, I managed to get admission in a
pharmacy course.
There is shame and stigma attached to openly talking about depression. We
talk about all kinds of ailments but this is probably one of the deadliest mental
illnesses.
-Jagdish
I had a nasty fight with my close friends of two years and ended up upset and
depressed. My only help were books.
-Adyasha Nayak
4
I am a 17-year-old girl from Rajasthan. I am in class 12. Since the past few
days, I have been feeling very low though I don‘t know the actual cause for
this. I feel helpless and irritated by almost everything. Sometimes I feel too
lonely... it feels like I don‘t have anyone out there whom I can talk my heart
out to! I live alone here in a hostel. I have very few decent friends and I never
hang out with them too. I like being alone most of the time but I feel lonely
too.
My mother calls me only once a day but it‘s not enough for me to feel good. My
dad calls me once in two weeks. And other than them, I don‘t really have any
other people to talk to. I heard that depression leads to suicide very often and
that is exactly why I need help. I don‘t want to commit suicide, but my
loneliness makes me think about suicide very often these days.
-Niharika
5
I personally have been suffering from depression and was diagnosed three
years ago. Growing up in an Indian family and community, where depression
has stigma attached to it, it has been really tough. Having lived through it, I
have to say that depression is an extremely debilitating illness, and the worst
part is not being understood.
When you have a cold or flu and have high fever, immediately your mom
drops everything she is doing to stay home with you and monitor your health.
Then why is it that the same mom perceives the mental suffering that her child
is going through as mere laziness and stubbornness? Why is it so hard for
people to understand that no person has joy in wallowing in pain and sorrow?
Having depression and feeling depressed are two totally different things
according to me. Yes, everyone feels depressed from time to time, but that
time frame is temporary and they are capable of experiencing happiness
afterwards. Those of us with depression have just fallen into this huge pit
where there‘s only darkness and no ray of light, and absolutely no motivation
to climb out of it. Let‘s put it this way: we can‘t climb out of it.
Furthermore, with the limited support we receive from family, friends and
society, we often learn that there‘s no way out and we just make ourselves very
comfortable at the bottom of the pit. I hope and pray that some day we Indians
will have a new perspective on mental health.
-Sumaira
My husband and I are staying together only for the sake of our daughter.
Because of stress and other issues, our mental health has gone for a toss. We
have high blood pressure, bouts of depression and loss of stamina. We just
manage to drag ourselves step-by-step.
-Neena
6
I am sending this mail from Guwahati, Assam. I have been suffering from
depression since my childhood and because of this, I can‘t do anything
properly. I have completed my education and it was very hard to do so. In
spite of being educated, I am unemployed became of my depression. I cannot
talk properly to anyone, cannot take the right decisions and I feel nervous very
often. My mind doesn‘t support me. I always feel shy and it‘s very difficult to
survive like this in this competitive world. My life is being spoiled.
Due to my unemployment, it is difficult to pay rent and I am losing my
tolerance and will to live. Moreover, I have taken treatment for depression but
it is long and expensive, and so, I stopped it. I know of many people who are
suffering like me.
-Hitesh
I am a mother of a 16-year-old boy. I became pregnant for the second time
but due to medical complications, I had to terminate it. I went into severe
depression since I wanted to have a baby girl and I wanted my son to have a
sister. I then adopted a beautiful three-month-old girl. We are a very happy
family today.
-Apala
As a victim of school bullying, I know just how much it can shatter someone‘s
confidence. I am a strong person and even then it was humiliating to go
through it in high school for two years. Even at the age of 28, I see remnants of
it in my life from time to time. The self-doubt and insecurity are crippling.
Turning to food for comfort creates guilt and can be a vicious cycle. It is not
okay to pull someone else down just so that you can feel good about yourself.
No one has the right to judge and break a person down to the point where they
are driven into depression.
-Sharmila
7
I am a 24-year-old girl from a rich family—rich only in terms of money, not
in love or emotions. I went through depression because I was being pressured
to marry young and only to a rich boy of my parents‘ choice. My family doesn‘t
realise that only money can‘t keep us happy. Hope I feel better soon.
-Rinku
I hate thinking about my school days. I was an average student and my
friends and teachers used to remind me that each and every minute. At one
point, I was in depression and my willpower had almost gone. Neighbours
used to ask my parents about my percentage so they could compare it with
their child‘s.
8
My marks used to be announced loudly in class and my teachers used to make
fun of me. I have been through hell from class 1 to 12. I had no friends in
school because I was not a smart kid. During lunch break, no one would sit or
play with me. I had a really bad experience and one day, I decided that I would
prove myself.
In class 12, I started studying so much that I even forgot whether it was day or
night. My neighbours and parents were shocked at seeing me study so much.
When I was waiting for the result in school, my classmates made fun of me
and told me I would fail as usual. And you know what? I scored a total of 70%
and in two subjects, I got 95 marks! My parents were very proud of me.
Then I went to college and did a BBA degree in accounting and finance. I
graduated with honours and came to US after my wedding. I am leading a
good life today but when I think of my childhood, I feel very sad. I would like
to remind all teachers that all students are not the same. Those who are
average in their studies need encouragement and help. A true teacher will help
all children learn better.
-Kalpesh
I am 23 years old right now. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD) and depression by a psychiatrist and was
prescribed medicines. I suffered from three episodes of seizures too. I used to
sleep for 18 hours a day. I felt dizzy and had constant headaches as a result of
the side effects of these medicines. Luckily, I met a great doctor and now after
two years of treatment, I am leading a normal and happy life.
-Vaibhav
I am 26 years old and live in US. I grew up in a well-educated Punjabi family
in Chandigarh but my family discriminated against my sister and me. I grew
up just fine with confidence and conviction, but my sister lacked confidence
and now suffers from depression and negativity. She is also having a real hard
time adjusting with her in-laws.
-Hardeep
9
I have realised that our own problems are not always as bad as we imagine
them to be. I recently suffered from depression due to a broken relationship
and I thought my world had ended. I had lost faith in love. Your episode has
introduced me to the stories of other people and I saw that there are people
who haven‘t lost faith even after facing a lot worse.
-Aarav
I am under medication for depression. I don‘t feel inferior or weak to anyone,
but why can‘t people like me voice what they feel? Why is it that we can say ―I
have cancer‖ or ―I have liver cirrhosis‖ but we can‘t say ―I have a mental health
issue‖?
-Reva
My son was a very good footballer and he was well-known for his talent but
we forced him to pay more attention to academics. This was a blunder! Uski
jaan football mein thi. Now at the age of 30, he is a tour operator and often
suffers from bouts of depression. He just wants to play. I have now got in
touch with a coach to guide my son. Every parent can provide a child with food
and shelter, but the best thing you can do is to understand your child and fulfil
his or her dreams.
-Chitra
I suffer from depression and I feel like I need counselling. The reasons for
the depression are very grave. This feeling makes me so negative, but I‘m
aware that just one positive thought to hold on to can cure all the negative
feelings and give me the strength to fight back.
-Shweta
10
Main ek aise ghar se hoon jahaan din-raat pooja-archana hoti hai. Hamare
bachchon ne kabhi madira ya kisi aisi cheez ko haath nahi lagaya. Hamare
bachchon ke bigadne ka darr hamesha rehta hai kyunki kabhi-kabhi
rishtedaaron ke bachche bhi ghar aate hai. Mere husband ko bachchon ki
parvah nahi hai aur sirf Bhagwan ke dhyaan mein magan hote hai. Mujhe in
sab chinta se depression ho gaya hai aur bahut cheezon ka darr nahi ja raha
hai. Mujhe raat ko neend bhi nahi aati.
-Mayuri
My elder brother is very short-tempered and he even hits our mom if his
anger goes beyond a boundary. Since my childhood, I have been dealing with
this. My dad‘s health remains unstable and I have to be strong for his sake. I
am broken completely from the inside. Every day, I think ki aaj kya tamasha
hoga. I can relate to all those who struggle with depression and stress. I don‘t
know what I should do. Today, I am able to stand strong for my dad but what
if I just can‘t some day? My friends know about this, but things have been so
bad ki ab yeh cheez share karne se bhi mann halka nahi hota. I don‘t want to
give up but I don‘t know how to hold on.
-Lipika
11
Main bhi depression se guzar rahi hoon. Main apni pyaari mummy ko khone
ke baad toot gayi hoon. Bahut baar normal hone ki koshish karti hoon lekin
baar-baar iss sach ko saamne paakar, ki main meri mummy ki awaaz nahi sun
paaoongi aur woh mere paas nahi hai, main aur bhi toot jaati hoon.
Main unko koi khushi nahi de paayi, yeh dard mujhe andar hi andar kha raha
hai. Mujhe kai logon ne bola ki main ek psychiatrist ke paas jaaoon but main
pagal nahi hoon, bas depression mein hoon. Main apni mummy se door hokar
bahut akela feel karti hoon.
-Malvika
I come from a family of police officers and I have seen them work in the
worst conditions and also miss attending all festivals, birthday celebrations,
weddings and even funerals. I have seen many of them often go into
depression. Being a doctor, I have conducted counselling sessions for them
and I hope that their working and living conditions are bettered as that will
have a direct impact on their mental health.
-Srividya
I have lost two of my friends due to depression. One slept on a railway track
and the other hanged herself. Before my friend slept on the track, she donated
her eyes. Her death was an unbearable loss for all of us. I think that all of us
feel depressed at least once in our lifetime. The reason can be serious or silly,
but it‘s important that we seek help and come out of it.
-Kareena
12
Iam a 27-year-old male living in Kolkata. Mere BCom degree ke first year ke
exams mein main Accounts mein fail ho gaya. Third year mein Maths aur
Economics mein 10 marks ki wajah se fail ho gaya. Three times ke baad bhi
exam clear nahi kar paya. Abhi main ek graphic design company mein
accounts ka kaam karta hoon. Par mujhe kaam karna, ghoomna, kuch bhi
achcha nahi lagta. Main bahut depression mein hoon. Main suicide karna
chahta hoon par life ek hi toh hai.
-Sudheendra
I have been bullied and been rejected by my friends and other people for my
looks and figure and because I am always sick. I was in depression for two
years and I am still struggling. I am filled with a lot of insecurities and my
confidence is low. I have even had suicidal thoughts. It was nice to listen to the
stories shared on your show. I really needed it.
-Puja Agarwal
I am a 17-year-old girl. I was in depression for three years and I still don‘t
know what to do. The year I got depression, I joined a hostel. I used to cry a lot
and could not sleep. I lost my health because of this and I even attempted
suicide. I can‘t share my feelings with my parents because they are always
busy.
-Monali
13
I went through depression two months ago. But you know what saved me?
The realisation that all those negative thoughts were leading up to nothing!
They were all false. I understood that there is a better and happier future for
all of us. We will need to make an effort but one day, we will surely get there.
-Varsha
One of my closest friends has depression. When anyone with depression is
down, it‘s very hard to lift them up. At that moment, they are not in a position
to listen to anything. But I realised that we have to support them and take care
of them as they require it more at that time than any other time.
-Aalok
14
I lost my father a few months ago and I have not been able to cope with the
loss. I have read a lot about depression lately, but somewhere, I was not ready
to accept that I might be suffering from it. Today itself, I will book an
appointment with the doctor. I know now that I am not the only one. People
have gone through worse situations. I can now definitely try and cope with
whatever I am feeling these days.
-Anuja
A year ago, I was in a state of severe mental trauma and I suffered a lot. I
would like to thank my parents and doctors who have helped me stand where I
am today. Depression made me realise the value of life. It gave me a chance to
stop overthinking and just live in the present. I started loving myself though
glimpses of that period still haunt me. Those days were the best teachers of my
life. Live for yourself and try and make others happy as well. Your sadness will
automatically diminish.
-Jia
I can relate to this subject very well. I have suffered from depression and
seven years on, the struggle continues. I had post-natal depression and for two
years, I got no help. I was just told to stop being silly. But for me, it was
serious. In the Asian community in the UK, post-natal depression was
unheard of. This makes me wonder how many women in India suffer in
silence.
-Mubashira
15
I am a 30-year-old unmarried woman. I work as a teacher. 12 years ago, I
came to know that I have OCD when I fell into severe depression. That was
one of the worst periods of my life—full of gloom and helplessness. I never
thought of committing suicide because I had a strong feeling inside of me that
something was wrong with my mental health and that it can be treated.
I took the initiative to treat myself. I had never heard much of such psychiatric
disorders, but I persuaded my parents to take me to a psychiatrist. With the
help of my doctor and medicines, I recovered quickly. During this difficult
period, my family stood by me all the time. They never let me feel unhappy
about or ashamed of my frequent mood swings. Since that time, I have been
under medication. Today, I am a happy person with lots of positivity.
I am enjoying my job and I engage in activities that keep me busy and happy.
My parents are supporting me in all the decisions that I am taking for my life.
I never took OCD as an obstacle in my life. In fact, it taught me to become a
stronger and better person.
Like every parent, my mother wants me to get married, but she is afraid that I
may be rejected if they come to know that I am under medication for this
illness. I am also hesitant to initiate anything for my marriage because I don‘t
want people to reject me for something that I am not responsible for. I am
afraid of taking the decision of getting married after going through a dark
phase of depression. Do you think I should get married?
-Dipanita
I have undergone depression. My friend married someone who had promised
to marry me and this came as a blow to me. I tried committing suicide by
taking sleeping pills. When I survived my suicide attempt, I realised that I
must live and so I started to think positively. Now I am a happy person.
-Suvarna
16
I have suffered depression due to being ill-treated by my in-laws. My motherin-law suffers from chronic depression herself. I went from India to New York
after marrying her eldest son to look after her. I have been living with the fear
of losing my family, my two beautiful children and my beliefs and values. After
being educated so well and having a successful career in advertising, I am
having to fight this inner fear of mine for the sake of my husband and my
children. I am seeking counselling now and have a lot of support from my
parents and younger sister who visit me every year. My husband has been
supportive all these years as well.
-Sandhya
I had post-partum depression a few years back and I had to face a lot of
ridicule from people around me. But right now, I am perfectly fine and I want
to spread the message to women out there that depression is curable. It is
normal to have it and it is like any other illness.
-Dina
17
We came to the US when I was 17. I got married four years later and my
husband started behaving strangely soon after our wedding. He would get
angry for no reason and start arguing with everyone. I couldn‘t understand
what was happening. I had to carry on paying the loan for our house and look
after my three-year-old son. I also worked 30 hours a week at a supermarket.
Once my in-laws came to stay with us, my husband gave up on all work and
started sleeping the whole day. I wasn‘t allowed to say anything to him. My
brother-in-law and other members of his family thought that I had done
something to make him ill. I couldn‘t talk to anyone about my feelings.
I wasn‘t allowed to see a counsellor. But one day, I met a counsellor who said I
could see her any time I wanted to. I cried my eyes out and told her
everything. After going through his reports, she told me that my husband has
schizophrenia and it will take lots of care and counselling and regular
medicine to treat him. Afterwards, I was able to be firm with my husband and
make sure that he took his medicines and ate properly. Luckily, he got better
and is now working.
This whole episode affected my son as well. He went through depression when
he was in the second year of college. Today, he is married and has one
daughter. In the middle, I went through depression too and even attempted
suicide. I survived with urgent medical help.
At last, we are all living happily. We have been married for 40 years and are
enjoying the company of my granddaughter. Everything is possible as long as
we understand each other and are kind, honest and helpful.
-Anar
My father-in-law suddenly went into deep depression five years ago. His
whole life, he had been in a very good position. He had no money problems
and he has a good relationship with his wife. He goes walking and swimming
and has a good social life.
18
Suddenly, he went into depression. He stopped eating, stopped going for walks
and wanted to be left alone. But his son, who himself is a doctor, took him in
time for counselling. As a family, we gave him time and his grandchildren also
supported him. It all worked like magic.
-Supriya Mehra
I am from Lucknow. My mother has been battling with anxiety and
depression since the past two years. She was in a very sad state till a month
ago. When she experienced anxiety or depression, she had this intense
burning sensation on her body, which was so severe that she considered
committing suicide. But as she has always been a very strong person, she
pulled through.
We consulted doctors in Delhi and since then, she has shown definite
improvement. There have been days of relapse. But we continue the
medication, the yoga and sessions with the psychologist and hope that she
makes complete recovery. Your episode will surely reassure my ma that she is
not alone in her struggle with depression.
-Nischay
I recently got admitted to a hospital for anxiety and depression. That‘s when
I got to know that I had been given the wrong medicine for three months
which led me to this state of anxiety. I wish there was a system through which
patients can know if their diagnosis and suggested treatment is correct.
-Shrujana
19
I also faced depression. I only needed someone to listen to me patiently but
nobody helped me. Actually, I feel that nobody wants to talk to a depressed
person. Even my husband avoided me. Due to excessive stress, I had severe
pain in my feet, frequent urination and loss of sleep and concentration. I was
afraid of having problems in my married life. I have realised that offering
emotional support is the best thing that you can do for a depressed person.
-Arti
My friend is around 18 years old and he is madly in love with a girl. They
have been in a long-distance relationship since the last six–seven months.
They were both happy initially, but now due to family pressure they are getting
irritated, the girl especially. She gets angry and always talks about breaking
up.
20
My friend is so depressed that he takes tranquilisers to get through it. I have
given him many options but he doesn‘t want to end the relationship. Because
of this stress, he lost 15 kgs! Can you imagine? 15 kgs! One day, he might even
want to commit suicide. Hope I can help him with this phase.
-Armaan
My best friend is in severe depression as he is heartbroken and wants to
commit suicide. I don‘t know what to do. All I need is someone to guide me.
Should I take him to a doctor as he won‘t listen to me at all? I think he needs
some counselling.
-Simran
I wish this episode had come on air a few months back. I think my wife
would have been alive then as she would have seen people in more trouble
than she was facing herself. I miss you, my dear. I am sorry I didn‘t try harder
to help you come out of your depression and make you understand how
beautiful life is.
-Omkar
A few years ago, I was depressed and I wanted to kill myself. The love of my
family stopped me from attempting suicide. I continued my studies and
finished my MBA course. I still feel like I should see a doctor or a counsellor
who can help me or guide me.
-Kirit
21
My colleagues are regularly trying to prove me as ‗mad‘. But I know I will
live my life well because of my successes and achievements. I have ended
relations with those who try to harass me. Since I was chosen by the
management and transferred to a better city, some people are opposing me
and torturing me.
My so-called relatives are also jealous of me. But I promise to live a better life
and not think about suicide. I am leading a pious life but my parents are
worried that I have depression. I am thankful to my God for making me learn
how to live life with my hobbies of poetry, writing scripts and singing religious
songs. Thanks for this episode on depression.
-Gauhar
I live in the US. I suffer from a mental illness. I was diagnosed when I was 17
but it wasn‘t until now that I could talk to some people about it. As far as my
professional career goes, I would never mention my illness at my office as it
could be misconstrued.
Living with a mental illness is a struggle. It‘s difficult to maintain your mental
stability every day. For me, it‘s a daily battle and I‘ve given up a lot to keep my
mental health and sanity. I want to know more about how Indians living in
India cope with such diseases, how they talk about it in their professional lives
and how their family supports them with the daily trials and tribulations.
-Priyanshu
I am a student from Ahmedabad. I have been depressed because of my
studies. Mujhe hamesha suicide ke thoughts aate hai. Life se interest uth gaya
hai. Study mein bhi main concentrate nahi kar pa rahi hoon. Main ghar se
door hostel mein rehkar study karti hoon. Kisi cheez mein mann nahi lagta.
-Sushmita
22
I am a 42-year-old man from Kolkata. Mujhe depression ki bimaari hai.
Mujhe kai kaamon mein anubhav hai lekin kaam karne se himmat haar jaata
hoon. Zindagi peechhe ho gayi hai—itni peechhe ki aage aana asambhav hai.
Ab main jeevan khatam karne ki soch raha hoon. Par usme bhi himmat nahi
aa rahi. Main kya karu, kisko dikhaaoon, main yeh message theek se likh bhi
nahi pa raha hoon.
-Nayan
I am suffering from serious mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, major
depression and OCD. I am very poor and I cannot afford treatments and
medicines. I feel like I am in deep trouble. I hope I get some help soon. I live in
Bangalore.
-Pradyumna
23
We are a family based out of Kolkata. My nephew (now 17 years old) has
been suffering from severe mental health issues like depression since his
childhood, which has hampered his schooling and has left him a loner with no
friends. We have consulted a number of doctors, but no one has been able to
bring about any improvement in his condition so far. We hope to find a good
doctor soon.
-Chintan
I live in Uttar Pradesh. I am facing depression because of emotionally taxing
relations with family and friends and negative comments from everyone. I
want to forget all the negative moments of my life. I have tried a lot to forget
and also joined a meditation class but whenever I study, only negative
thoughts run in my mind. I have lost my whole career because of this. I want
the remaining parts of my life to be happy.
-Dayanand
Main depression ka four years se patient hoon. Meri treatment chal rahi hai
par mujhe koi relief nahi hai. Meri koi counselling bhi nahi karta. Meri job
mere treatment ki wajah se chali gayi hai aur mujhe medicine purchase karne
mein bhi problem ho raha hai. Agar mujhe counselling aur thodi relief mile,
toh meri bahut madad hogi.
-Mangesh
My mother is a teacher by profession. She has been a depression patient
since the last 14 years. She has tried to kill herself twice but I have managed to
save her both times. She also suffered from meningitis at one point in time
and I had to carry her to the hospital. With the help of my father and her
sister, she is doing better now. She really liked watching your episode. We
want to thank you for the same.
-Tushar
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I am from Rourkela, Odisha. I am 28 years old. When I was 22, I had a panic
attack in my hostel during the night before my semester exams. I realised then
that I suffer from anxiety disorder and at times, depression. I can‘t enter a
closed lift or fly in an airplane. Also, I can‘t stay away from my parents at night
or in another city.
-Biswajit
I am an animator from Hyderabad. I was also suffering from depression for
eight years and then I came out of this just because of meditation. It really
helps.
-Arvin Namam
I am always open about me being depressed and even taking treatment for it.
People think that going to a psychiatrist is shameful. We must deal with this.
-Vijaya Negi
I was depressed and so fragile. Going through the kind of incidents that I did
in life, anybody would have become crazy. I can‘t unfortunately change my life
and cry over spilt milk but I‘m looking forward to a great future.
-Kulsum Khan
25
My mother has suffered from depression and she took the medicines
prescribed by a local psychiatrist but there was no improvement. From 2001
to 2009, she was under this doctor‘s treatment but she became extremely
abnormal. There was not much problem in her life earlier and so I was in
shock to find her in such a terrible condition. Then, when I checked her
medicines, I came to know that she was prescribed drugs that cause problems
if taken for too long. I suffered a big loss myself—I couldn‘t complete my
higher studies as I had to assist my mother.
-Debartha
One of my friends has gone through a lot of mental trauma, stress and
depression in the last one year. She is emotionally torn due to many things in
her life. I took her to a psychiatrist, but instead of trying to get more
information from her about her feelings, he started to blame her for all that
went wrong. She doesn‘t even want to see any psychiatrist now.
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She has been suicidal from that point onwards. I am trying my best to talk to
her but she doesn‘t talk to me. She has isolated herself from her friends and
other family members a long time ago. I am very scared about what she might
be doing when she is alone.
-Sanjay
My problem is that I feel anxious, nervous and suicidal. I feel like vomiting a
lot and sometimes all these feelings become overwhelming. I am trying my
best to keep busy but the pain is so unbearable. I want to live. Please God, give
me my life back. I want to spend time with my family and friends, but anxiety
and depression don‘t allow me to do that.
-Amresh
In my childhood, I had faced severe humiliation. I was fat and I was unable to
pronounce some words properly. My voice remained childish and never
attained maturity. My friends used to mock me. I was very sensitive and
sometimes felt awkward and depressed while gazing at myself before a mirror.
But then I remembered that my parents showered love on me and many of my
friends liked me too. Soon, I had got answers to my depression. Today, I have
the most number of friends in my college and I‘m happy. I am currently an
engineering student in Tamil Nadu.
-Mahesh Kumar
27
There was a time when death was all I could see! That too because of some
man who made me sad and is the guilty one. I asked myself, ―What was my
fault? Why me?‖ I hated myself. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD), depression and amnesia. I was in a hospital for three
months, but I am completely fine now and am studying in Bangalore.
-Barsha Bharali
After my parents separated, I started feeling depressed. I was annoyed by
questions from people around me asking me, ―Why are they separated?‖ They
would tell me to do something about it and some even accused me for it. I was
so angry and my marks were at an all-time low. I was turning violent by
nature. Somehow, I managed to pass class 10 and spent more time with a
cousin who became my best friend. He was the source of encouragement and
entertainment for me. Also, my new school was way better than my old school
in Delhi and I was able to realise that I belong somewhere. I passed with more
than 90% marks in class 12!
-Anurag Nair
For my graduation, I wanted to commute to a nearby city. But my dad
wouldn‘t agree and I spent endless nights crying. After months of feeling pain,
I even attempted suicide but no one cared. One of my friends told me about
depression over an email and helped me out of it. After a few years, I went
through depression again. I decided to see a psychologist. It has been three
years since that episode and I have been taking anti-depressants. It is still not
easy to say openly that I am taking these medicines. I am not crazy or mad. I
just feel hurt easily.
-Zanzanil Vyas
28
When I was 17 years old, I got depression due to the hostel environment. I
started staying sad for most of the time without any reason. I almost failed in
my exams and then the problem got more serious. I came back to my
hometown and wanted to start my class 12 there, but it was very difficult for
me to get admission anywhere as it was mid-session.
Everyone was making fun of me as I had left the hostel, including my former
teacher. My health was deteriorating. I was unable to catch up with my
studies. Nobody supported me except my mom. I got a blood infection and I
was so panicked that I tried to commit suicide as well. It has been three years
and I am still eating pills to come out of depression. I am taking treatment
from a hospital and I think I have just started recovering.
-Chandni Mishra
I felt depressed when my girlfriend‘s family forced her to marry a boy of their
choice. I saw some of my friends get depressed because they didn‘t have a
girlfriend or had few friends. I love to listen to songs in order to deal with my
depression.
-Ravi Chavan
29
For the last 1.5 years, I have been struggling to come out of depression. It is
difficult for me to focus on anything. I lost 10–12 kgs in the last six months. I
was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years. One day, he called me to tell me
that he is getting married. My world crumbled down that day. We had thought
a lot about us being together throughout our life. His family pressurised him a
lot and at the end, he took the decision to marry someone else. Since we are
from different castes, his family wasn‘t ready.
Every day since then has been like hell for me. I can‘t sleep the whole night
and even if I sleep, it is difficult for me to wake up because those thoughts
haunt me. He loved me a lot but society isn‘t willing to let us be together. I am
in a vicious circle. I can‘t see any way out of it. My only mistake in life is that I
am from a lower caste. I hope Indian society changes one day.
-Nishita
I gave my medical entrance exam in 2013 and that day was a really
dangerous day for me. I was so nervous. My mummy and papa were crying. I
qualified in the all-India entrance exam, but my rank was not good enough
and I was very depressed. I didn‘t get a seat even in my state. It was very
depressing for me since I had studied hard. I used to think that my mummy
and papa are spending so much money on me and I am giving nothing back to
them.
I tried to commit suicide and I didn‘t talk to anyone about it. I thought I
should just end my life now. But a few days later, my papa‘s phone rang and it
was a message from my college. I had secured admission for the dental surgery
course. I was so happy. My papa was literally dancing. That day was awesome.
I‘m very happy with my parents because they have never discouraged me in
life.
-Barsha
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We are two sisters and three brothers. My eldest sister developed serious
signs of depression like staying aloof, staying dirty, talking to herself, leaving
her graduation exam paper unanswered, etc. I felt that she needed psychiatric
help and so I admitted her to a hospital.
We had many sessions with the doctor there and I realised that such
interactions do help by opening up closed mental blocks. The patient also feels
more comfortable in the company of compassionate professionals. Thankfully,
we are a highly educated family and so my sister is taken care of well. No
outsiders or their judgement are more valuable than the life of an individual!
-Dr (Prof) Rekha Singhal
Mine was an arranged marriage. I did all I could to always make my
husband feel happy. But his mother and he gossiped about me and rebuked
and taunted me for whatever I did wrong. I felt cornered, distrusted and low.
He would hear me cry but never give an ear to why I cried. He never asked me
what made me so depressed. I felt that this person to whom I had been
married for seven–eight years never loved me.
I moved to my parents‘ home in a different city and hoped that he would make
some efforts to make it right, or that at least he would miss me. But neither did
he stop me when I left nor did he ever feel the need to come over. He has
called me a fake person in the four years that have passed since I left his
house.
Depression provoked me to attempt suicide but I failed. I had to consult
psychiatrists in my city (Kolkata). Even though I lack confidence today, I am
much better and have a good job for myself. I am a graduate in fashion and all
my batchmates have good jobs and businesses today. I lost almost ten years of
my career and I have started from scratch again. Thank God I have learnt
about the lows of life. I have no shame, guilt or fear in sharing my life story.
-Aparajita Arora
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I work with an MNC in Mumbai. At 16, my sister told me that I would never
get my period as I don‘t have a uterus. At that moment, my heart tore into
pieces and I started crying like hell. My mother consoled me. But I got to know
that it was difficult to live a normal life, difficult to get married and most
importantly, having the baby that I have dreamed about since childhood
would no more be possible.
At the age of 22, I started having body pain, especially in my lower back. I
couldn‘t concentrate on my studies, but somehow I managed to get admission
for an MBA in Bangalore. The real struggles began from there. Far from my
family, I found myself very alone. I found it very difficult to hide my absent
period from my hostelmates. I preferred staying in a single occupancy room.
I had to compromise on having a social life. Some people considered me
arrogant; some felt I was like a granny.
Consequently, people started ignoring me. Even though society didn‘t know
about my condition, I felt very inferior, depressed and rejected. People don‘t
value a single or unmarried woman. I know that people will look at me with a
question if I am unmarried after a few years. They will start questioning me
about why I am not in any relationship. I get scared when I think of such
situations. I really don‘t know what my future will bring for me. I can only
pray that God sends someone understanding to my life who loves me and
accepts me as I am.
In the midst of my fears, uncertainties and insecurity, I have decided to adopt
a child whether I get married or not. I will pour all my love on my baby. And I
know one smile of my baby will bring thousands of smiles on my face.
-Purbi
In our society, people are okay (sympathetic) if one gets any physical disease
like cancer, diabetes, etc. But when a person is suffering from stress,
depression or any other mental illness, people simply ostracise them, thinking
them to be bad or unwanted. Even I am going through mild depression due to
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a midlife crisis, but I feel hesitant to seek a counsellor‘s help because of the
fear of rejection.
-Ankur
My father is very worried about getting us married before he retires. He is so
worried that he can‘t sleep at night and has to take a medicine to fall asleep.
He only has negative, depressive thoughts and he keeps asking my mom if she
will take care of all the matters after he passes away. I am wondering whether
to take him to a psychiatrist or not.
-Namita
My mom is not in a good condition mentally. We lost my dad and elder
brother and because of that, she is even more depressed now. I tried to take
her to a doctor, but she isn‘t going there now because our financial condition is
not good. I hope I get some help to get out of this bad situation.
-Neelam
I am 29. I teach at a college in Bangalore. I‘ve gone through depression and
trust me, I don‘t think my family will like this... me writing about my
depression here. It‘s not because they don‘t love me; it‘s because they‘re scared
that it will drive away my marriage prospects.
I was so very depressed for almost three years. I heard voices inside my head. I
had suicidal tendencies and once I tried to kill myself. I felt that it wasn‘t my
body. I was just dead with no expressions. My family supported me through
this. My depression was kept away from all the others. Nevertheless, now I‘m
very much healthy and happy. I keep myself and others around me happy. I
try and do yoga often too.
-Rajashri
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I guess everybody goes through a time in their life where nothing seems to go
their way. You feel like the whole burden of the world seems to be on your
shoulders. I was in such a situation for four years. When I moved from Africa
to Maldives, I was 15. Probably it was just my teenage self but I lived in a shell.
Glamour really got to me and I wanted to copy the trends of the world. I was
not being myself because I believed that I was not cool.
It cannot be explained as to what a person goes through while in depression
but I tried my best to cope. I was pretending to live in front of others and I
would tell myself that, ―This time, it‘s going to be different.‖ I needed to get
myself back. I was going through short periods of positivity and long periods
of depression. In those short periods, I would read a lot, I would rediscover
myself. I was finally able to accept myself. I have just been out and about for
seven days now instead of being alone and it feels like I have accomplished so
much.
Every day, I accomplish something new and interesting and each day, I am
happier than before. Just accept yourself and change your life!
-Rashi Jain
”
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SEEKING HELP
It can be difficult for people facing emotional distress or any mental illness to
take that first step in getting help. These conditions can reduce people‘s
motivation or confidence to take action, and some may feel embarrassed.
However, a range of effective treatments are available so while you or your
family member might be hesitant, it‘s important to try and seek support. The
sooner a person gets treatment, the sooner they can recover.
Finding the right psychiatrist or psychotherapist in your area may not be very
easy, but feel free to ask your friends or a local medical college with a
Psychiatry department for suggestions. We‘ve learnt that many people have
also benefitted from contacting NIMHANS and the two counselling helplines
mentioned below. We sincerely hope that they are able to help you as well.
National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences
(NIMHANS), Bengaluru, Karnataka
Tel: +91 080 2699 5200, 2699 5255
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.nimhans.ac.in
Vandrevala Foundation Helpline
Tel: 1 860 266 2345 (24x7)
Email: [email protected]
iCall Psychosocial Helpline
Tel: +91 22 2556 3291 (Monday to Saturday, 10 am to 10 pm)
Email: [email protected]
This booklet can be shared freely (bit.ly/MentalHealthBooklet).
To view our episode on Mental Health, visit
bit.ly/MentalHealthEpisode
We would love to hear from you!
Email: [email protected]
Facebook: www.facebook.com/SatyamevJayate
Twitter: @SatyamevJayate
Website: www.satyamevjayate.in
Booklet Compiled and Edited by Chandni Parekh and Lipi Mehta
Photographs by Rahul Prakash
This booklet was released on October 10, 2015, World Mental
Health Day, along with The Live Love Laugh Foundation which
aims to create awareness on depression and support on-theground initiatives. It has been founded by actor Deepika
Padukone.
Website: thelivelovelaughfoundation.org
Email: [email protected]
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