Growing Up

Transcription

Growing Up

Growing Up
Duggar
It’s All About Relationships
Jana, Jill, Jessa, and Jinger Duggar
HOWARD BOOKS
A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Howard Books
A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
Copyright © 2014 by Jana Duggar, Jill Duggar, Jessa Duggar, and Jinger Duggar
Anecdotes in this volume are based on real incidents but may have been edited and details may
have been changed or composites created to protect identities or for illustration purposes.
Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
Public domain.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any
form whatsoever. For information, address Howard Books Subsidiary Rights Department,
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Howard Books hardcover edition March 2014
HOWARD and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
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Edited by Sue Ann Jones
Additional writing contributed by Charlie Richards and David Waller
Interior design by Davina Mock-Maniscalco
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Duggar, Jana.
Growing Up Duggar : it’s all about relationships / Jana Duggar, Jill Duggar, Jessa Duggar,
Jinger Duggar.
pages cm
1. Duggar, Jana. 2. Duggar, Jill. 3. Duggar, Jessa. 4. Duggar, Jinger. 5. Duggar, Jim
Bob—Family. 6. Daughters—United States—Biography. 7. Families—United States—Case
studies. 8. Family size—United States—Case studies. 9. Christian life—United States—
Case studies. I. Duggar, Jill. II. Duggar, Jessa. III. Duggar, Jinger. IV. Title.
HQ536.D85 2014
306.850973—dc23
2013036030
ISBN 978-1-4516-7916-8
ISBN 978-1-4516-7918-2 (ebook)
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Acknowledgments
W
e are so grateful to all of the following people who have invested their time and energy to make this book a reality:
Charlie Richards, who asked us older girls a lot of questions one
day about how our parents have raised us, then insisted that we document our answers in a book to help young ladies and their parents.
Charlie also spent a lot of time with us helping us type up and articulate our life experiences to illustrate the principles we live by.
Priscilla and David Waller (Anna Duggar’s sister and brother-inlaw), who were instrumental in interjecting illustrations and principles
that would connect young ladies with practical tips they could apply
to everyday life. Anna and Priscilla grew up helping their dad with a
prison ministry and have hearts to help young people make right decisions in their lives.
Philis Boultinghouse, with Simon and Schuster, who encouraged us along the way, helped in editing, and was so patient with us
throughout this two-year project.
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vi | Acknowledgments
Eileen O’Neill, president of Discovery Communications, who
found our family in a Parents magazine article ten years ago and asked
Bill Hayes and Kirk Streb with Figure 8 Films to contact us about
filming our first one-hour documentary. You have enabled us to share
our story and God’s love with people around the world!
Sue Ann Jones, who received our manuscript while it was still
pretty rough and helped us miraculously transform it into what it is.
Thank you for your months’ worth of work. You did a great job!
Leslie Nunn Reed, our book agent, who contacted our parents
several years ago and encouraged them to write down their life story
in book form. Because of your vision for our family to share the Bible
principles we live by, we have received thousands of e-mails from individuals saying their marriages have been strengthened, relationships
with their children have improved, and many families have developed
more of a spiritual focus in life.
And to our parents, we love you more than words can say. Thank
you for all the sacrifices you have made to have us, provide for us, and
point us to a relationship with Jesus. You have guided us through many
seas of emotion, encouraging us to trust the Lord no matter what. You
are the best parents in the world! You have shown each one of us nineteen kids special love and attention and have spent more time with
us individually than many parents do with only one or two children.
Thank you for modeling Christ-like living to us and for opening the
doors of our home to be a testimony to the world!
Most important, we want to praise our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ. “Soli Deo Gloria!” To God alone be the glory.
Jana, Jill, Jessa & Jinger Duggar
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Contents
Greetings
From Our Hearts to Yours
xi
1. Your Relationship with Yourself
Getting to know and love the girl in the mirror
1
2. Your Relationship with Your Parents
Love, respect, and communication
21
3. Your Relationship with Your Siblings
Becoming best friends
55
4. Your Relationship with Friends
“Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future”
87
5. Your Relationship with Guys
Saving yourself for the one God has for you
109
6. Your Relationship with Culture
Making choices that will keep you pure
151
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viii | Contents
7. Your Relationship with Your Country
Making a difference in the political arena
165
8. Your Relationship with the World
Developing a servant’s heart
183
A Final Word
Catch the Spark
233
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“. . . the eye hath not seen, nor ear heard,
neither have entered into the heart of man,
the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him.”
1 Corinthians 2:9
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We are so grateful to God for each one of our family members. Here you see us
all together in front of an old house, holding our favorite instruments.
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Greetings
From Our Hearts to Yours
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,” saith the Lord,
“thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”
—Jeremiah 29:11
W
e’ve written this book to have the conversation we wish we
could have with each of you one-on-one. The conversation that
may have begun with a letter or an e-mail you wrote to us, or the one
that started with a question you asked or a comment you made after
we spoke to a group somewhere.
Maybe you’re that girl we met in the locked ward—we still call it
the cage—in the orphanage in Central America. Jana sat with you there
and shared your hope that someday you would see your mother again.
Maybe you’re the single mom whose baby Jill helped deliver as an
apprentice midwife. You smiled and nodded when Jill asked if it would
be okay if she said a prayer for your newborn babe.
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xii | Greetings
You might be the mom who approached Jessa after we spoke at a
women’s conference somewhere. You asked for ideas about how you
could be more helpful and encouraging to your teenage daughter as
she struggles with relationships involving boys.
Or perhaps you’re the girl Jinger met while she was ministering at
the juvenile detention center. You could hardly bring yourself to believe God could really forgive you. But Jinger assured you He can. And
will.
Maybe you’ve never met or contacted us at all, but you’ve seen our
family’s show on television, and you’re curious.
Whoever you are—whether you’re the girl we met who goes to a
Christian school and attends church three times a week but is still
struggling inside, or the girl with five tattoos and multiple piercings,
the one whose parents sent you to the Christian girls retreat Jana
works at, hoping you could be “fixed” there—we’ve written this book
to continue the conversation we started with you but couldn’t finish
because time ran out and we had to go our separate ways. And we’ve
written this book because the volume of letters and e-mails that come
to us is more than we can manage individually and because we know
how it feels to be curious about something.
We know how weird we must seem to a lot of you, with our different style of dressing and our conservative Christian beliefs. We know
it’s unusual to be part of a family with nineteen children—one that’s
featured on reality TV not for the outrageous things we do or say but
for the adventures a family the size of ours can have doing ordinary activities.
And we’re curious about you, too. We’d like to know how we can
impact your life for good. Even though we have never met most of you
reading this book, we want you to know we love you and care about
your future. We want to share our stories with you, knowing you have
a story, too, and hoping something we say here might empower you to
use your story, your life, to help others.
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Greetings | xiii
Racing Against Time
Several years ago, before anyone outside our circle of friends and
family had ever heard of the Duggars, our parents prayed, “Lord, we
pray that our family can impact the world for You!”
Mom and Dad look at life as a race against time. When they
prayed that prayer, they were humbly asking God to keep each member of our family on the right track so that we might fulfill the purpose for which He created us, and that He would accomplish as much
through us as possible during our time on earth.
At that point, they probably would have been happy if even a single person had become a follower of Jesus because of them. They
couldn’t have imagined that instead we would be welcomed into millions of homes each week through television (which our family doesn’t
even watch!). The way that happened is told in their two books, The
Duggars: 20 and Counting and A Love That Multiplies.
Along with our brothers and sisters, we’ve grown up in the public
spotlight (or as we describe it, living in a fishbowl). Now, as adults, we
four oldest girls (Jana, twenty-four; Jill, twenty-two; Jessa, twenty-one;
and Jinger, twenty) are humbled by the opportunity we’ve been given
to reach out to other
girls
and
young
women to share the
blessings and lessons we’ve experienced as we’ve tried
to follow the Christlike way of life we
have seen modeled
by our parents.
Because
so
many people, espe-
We’ve written this book as a way to answer some of the
questions we receive in e-mails and letters every day.
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xiv | Greetings
cially girls and young women like ourselves, have expressed such curiosity about the way our family works, and because it’s just not possible
to answer each question individually, we’ve written this book to tell
you about our journey to adulthood, our goals and our faith—and how
it all comes together in the work we’ve chosen to do.
Making a Difference in Your Relationships
We don’t have a perfect family, and we’re far from perfect ourselves,
but all our lives our parents have encouraged us Duggar kids to have a
daily goal of maintaining and strengthening our closest relationships.
Those relationships begin with the way we feel about ourselves, accepting the way God created us and seeking His purpose for our lives.
Then we focus on the way we relate to our parents. Our parents
have always worked hard to make their relationship with us a priority.
They’ve established family traditions and practices that involve cultivating character and motivating us to maximize our life purpose. And
on practical terms, they encourage us to talk with them about not only
the small things in life but also deep matters of the heart.
Next, Mom and Dad encourage us kids to be best friends with
each other, and so we talk about our relationships with siblings.
Throughout our growing-up years Mom and Dad have taught us the
importance of maintaining these close relationships, and step by step,
they’ve guided us in how to get along, even though each of us girls
now has eighteen siblings—including ten brothers! Of course, as happens in any family, conflicts occur, annoyances are inevitable, and hurt
feelings spring up. But Mom and Dad have always taught us to quickly
work out those issues so that resentment and bitterness don’t creep in
and destroy our family’s closeness and unity.
Then, we take many of the lessons about getting along with our
siblings and apply them to our relationships with friends. Mom and
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Greetings | xv
Dad have taught us the value of choosing our friends carefully and
staying true to our own convictions if our friends’ behaviors and beliefs
veer away from ours.
And then there’s the really hot topic we’re asked about a lot: boys.
That’s a relationship that is frequently considered by just about every
girl we know—including the four oldest Duggar girls! As we write this,
we’re waiting for the young man God has for us—if marriage is in the
future He plans for us. Meanwhile, we’ve thought a lot about what we
want in a future husband and how we anticipate courtship will happen. As you might expect, it’s pretty different from the way many couples interact these days. For one thing, it may surprise you to know it
doesn’t involve typical dating, but what we call courtship—or “dating
with a purpose.”
Beyond our relationships with ourselves, our parents, our siblings,
our friends, and boys, we also discuss our relationships with our culture, our country, and the world at large. As Christians, we believe that
we are to be “in” the world but not “of” the world, as the Bible says; so
we talk about how we relate to the Internet, movies, entertainment,
and music. Then we’ll share our passion for being involved in the political realm and how we want to make a difference there, as well as
our commitment and desire to reach out to people in faraway countries, showing Jesus’s love to people we don’t even know. The Bible
teaches us to put others’ needs above our own and to treat other people the way we want to be treated. We call it having a ministry mindset, and it’s something that’s stressed in the Duggar home. We’ll tell
you how that emphasis has led us to pursue the work we’re doing now.
Though the topics and stories will vary from chapter to chapter,
the theme of this whole book is relationships; and the foundation for
all our relationships with people—as well as our relationship with our
culture, country, and the world—is our relationship with God. We
don’t have a separate chapter on our relationship with God, but our
message about that is woven throughout every chapter and topic of the
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xvi | Greetings
book. We hope that as you read this book, you’ll gain a clear understanding of how everything we do is rooted in our faith in Him.
You’ll see that the length of the chapters in this book varies a bit—
but every chapter is divided into short, easy-to-read segments. You can
read as much or as little at one sitting as you like—whatever works for
you. We have written this book with you in mind.
Most important, we hope this book will inspire you to let the love
of God and His Son Jesus Christ empower you to make a difference
through the relationships that fill your own life.
We may have met some of you when we were speaking
(and laughing) at a conference somewhere.
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Growing Up
Duggar
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1
Your Relationship with Yourself
Getting to know and love the girl in the mirror
I will praise Thee;
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
—Psalms 139:14
W
hen our parents were planning to build our current house in
northwest Arkansas, they asked us kids how many bedrooms
we thought the house should have. It was an easy question for us to
answer: we wanted to be together. So, upstairs in our house today,
there’s one big room for all the girls, one big room for all the boys, and
our parents’ bedroom with an adjoining nursery.
Jana and I (Jill) sleep in double beds with our youngest sisters, Jor-
dyn and Josie, and the other girls sleep in twin- or youth-sized beds.
It’s always an exciting time when the littlest sister gets to move from
the nursery to the “big girls’ room” with us, although they’re always
free to toddle back to Mom and Dad’s room if they need to. We love
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2 | Growing Up Duggar
the late-night conversations and falling asleep each night surrounded
by our sisters.
One night a few years ago as I was putting my retainer in my
mouth at bedtime, my sister Johannah, then probably five or six, asked
what it was. I told her it was something I slept with to help keep my
teeth aligned now that I didn’t have to wear braces anymore.
“Can I wear it?” Johannah asked.
We Duggars do love to share a lot of things but, thankfully, dental
appliances aren’t among them. I smiled and told her no, it was made
just for me and it wouldn’t fit her mouth at all.
Thinking about that conversation later reminded me that we can’t
conform ourselves to other people’s molds. But we try sometimes,
don’t we? It’s inevitable that human beings, particularly teenagers and
especially teenage girls, go through times when they may try to remake
themselves into something, or someone, they’re not. Every girl has a
tendency to compare herself to other girls, noticing how they dress or
style their hair, how much they weigh, how they talk, the words and
phrases they use, and how guys respond to them.
You may think that kids like the Duggars, who are homeschooled
and don’t watch TV or read secular magazines, are immune from feelings like that, but we’re not! We’ve experienced some of those same
negative
feelings
about the girl in the
mirror that you may
be feeling right now
or have felt in the
past.
All of us have
gone through times
Jinger didn’t seem to mind when we visited a dude ranch
and deputies Jessa, left, and Jill took her into custody.
when
we’ve
felt
we needed to lose
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Your Relationship with Yourself | 3
weight. And we’ve all looked at the girl in the mirror and sometimes
found things that just didn’t seem to measure up.
Are you going through a time in your life when you’re being critical of the girl in your mirror?
Accepting the Girl in the Mirror
That’s hard, isn’t it? You’ve looked at that girl in the mirror all your
life and had made friends with her, and then one day you look at her
and notice the blemish on her forehead or the nose that isn’t as cute
as your friend’s nose. Maybe the girl who seemed just fine yesterday now seems too short or too tall, too thin or too heavy. Maybe her
clothes, the ones that were your favorites yesterday, seem completely
wrong today. And that hair. It’s ridiculous!
Suddenly the girl who looked just fine yesterday seems like a
total loser today compared to those cute girls at the mall . . . or your
school . . . or your homeschool group . . . or even your church.
So then what happens? You reject that girl in the mirror, and in
your heart you worry that she’ll be rejected by others, too, including
those you admire. Fear of rejection is one of the major problems facing
teenagers and young adults today. It affects almost all of us, including
the Duggar kids, at one time or another.
For example, I (Jill) can remember a Sunday morning when
we were getting ready for church and I went through multiple outfit changes because I was trying to measure up. The night before,
I had stood in our closet for at least ten minutes trying to decide what
I would wear the next day. (Ever been there?)
Finally I chose an outfit I thought was suitable. I took it upstairs and laid it out so it would be ready the next morning. But when
I walked out of the bathroom Sunday morning, dressed and ready to
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go, I noticed how great Jessa looked wearing an adorable outfit she
had recently found at a thrift store. Plus, she had the cutest aviator
sunglasses perched on her head and a stylish leather bag slung over
her shoulder. Suddenly the outfit I had chosen for myself the night before seemed totally wrong. I wanted to look as cute as Jessa did.
So I hurried back downstairs to the closet and stood there for what
seemed like another ten minutes, trying to find something to wear.
Then I heard Dad’s voice over the intercom saying, “Everyone hurry
up! It’s nine forty, and the first vanload is leaving for church.”
I grabbed a skirt off the rack and tried it on, but then I remembered that the shirt I usually wear with it was dirty. I hurriedly put
that choice back on the hanger and found a cute denim skirt—only to
realize the zipper was broken. I was growing more frustrated and about
to settle for the original outfit I had put on that morning when my eye
landed on a brown-striped skirt. Perfect, I thought. Why didn’t I think
of this in the first place?
But then I had to change my shoes to go with the skirt, and—or
where were those sandals that looked so great with this skirt? I finally
rushed out of the
clothes closet and
around the corner to
the bathroom mirror. Oops! With all
the changing, my
hair
had
gotten
messed up. I hurriedly worked to restore order to it and
then discovered we
had run out of hair
While we sometimes do the shopping for
our family at warehouse stores, our favorite
place to shop for clothes is thrift stores.
spray in that bathroom. Running to
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another bathroom to grab some, I could hear the car horn honking as
the second load of churchgoers waited for me.
It was nearly ten o’clock—church time—as I rushed out the door.
Not exactly the way one would want to prepare for a morning of worshipping our Creator! And it all started because I compared myself to
one of my sisters and felt that my appearance fell short.
It seems like such a trivial matter now, looking back on that morning, but it’s so typical of teenagers, especially young ladies. It’s easy for
us to compare ourselves to others and think we have to be like them
to measure up or to be accepted. But too often it’s impossible to meet
the goals of perfection we set for ourselves, and as a result, we end up
dealing with all sorts of destructive feelings: poor self-worth, lack of
confidence, jealousy, discontentment, and so much more. Before we
know it, momentary concerns about our outward appearance turn into
lies about ourselves that swirl constantly through our minds, telling us,
“I’m not good enough.” “I’m a failure.” “Nobody loves me.”
Ultimately, we lose sight of what’s most important: our inward
character.
Giving Power to Others
For many years, I (Jessa) couldn’t care less about what I wore and
how I looked. I was the typical happy little Duggar kid, filling my day
with homeschool work and playing with my siblings and friends.
But life changed for me when I was about twelve or thirteen.
Whenever I was around friends outside our family, I became very
quiet and self-conscious—really insecure about the way I looked,
dressed, and acted.
I had friends who were really beautiful, and whenever we were together I compared myself to them and always came up lacking something. These critical feelings caused me to have a mistaken view of my
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friends and myself—thinking they were perfect and I wasn’t. I felt so
ashamed and awkward that I couldn’t even talk to anyone about my
feelings. I felt overwhelmed and stuck in that negative mind-set.
I remember during that stage of my life having mixed feelings
when I was invited to a friend’s birthday party. I was eager to go to the
party but overly concerned that I had to look and act just right. What a
dilemma, worrying about what clothes I would wear, what I would say,
what gift I would bring!
I can still feel those butterflies fluttering in my stomach as we
drove up to the birthday girl’s big yellow house. I was excited but nervous at the same time. I was thinking about all the conversations I’d
had with the girl and our friends that focused on outward
appearance—who had cute clothes and who didn’t, whose hairstyle
we wanted to copy and
whose hair was always a
wreck. The butterflies
continued to churn as
I arrived at the front door
with another guest.
“Oh, I love your outfit!” the birthday girl said
to the friend beside me.
She didn’t say anything about what I was
wearing, so I immediately
assumed she didn’t think
my outfit was as perfect
as the other girl’s.
Soon the party was
under way, and I enjoyed
Our younger sister Joy is beautiful inside and out.
all the games, but after
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we’d sung “Happy Birthday” and settled around the living room for
cake and ice cream, the topic of movies came up. I hadn’t seen the
popular movie the other girls were talking about, and I felt out of
place. The critical thoughts came bubbling back up: Jessa, you don’t fit
in. It’s obvious you’re not as cool as the other girls.
Looking back, I can see how my inward struggles grew worse because I craved the birthday girl’s approval—as did several others in
this group of friends. I wanted her to like me. Receiving her approval
made me feel good about myself. But when she let me know, or when
I assumed, that she didn’t quite approve of my appearance or something I said or did (or didn’t do), I felt worse about myself. I felt as
though I had failed—and I carried those feelings with me for days
after we’d been together.
My friend seemed to be the perfect picture of the girl I was not.
She was tall with beautiful hair and big, brown eyes. She was slender
and attractive. After being with this girl, I would look in the mirror and
see frizzy hair, ordinary eyes, and a body that wasn’t as slender or as
beautiful as hers. Constantly comparing myself to her was the perfect
recipe for jealousy and discontentment.
Accepting the Unchangeables
What power I was giving my friend by allowing her to make me feel
that way about the girl in the mirror! The same girl who all my life had
smiled back at me each day and been an accepted and essential part
of me now became someone I looked at with a constantly critical eye.
Thankfully, about that time, I heard a Bible teacher share an inspiring message about how God has perfectly designed each one of us
with ten aspects of life that, without extraordinary action, we cannot
change and that He wants us to accept:
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1. Who our parents are
2. Who our siblings are
3. The order in which we are born into our family (oldest or
youngest, etc.)
4. Our nationality
5. Whether we’re a girl or boy
6. Our mental capacity
7. The time we were born in history
8. Our physical features
9. The natural aging process
10. The date we will die
This teacher said that if we reject our physical features, we reject our
self-image and often assume that others will reject us, too. This assumption can cause us to make poor decisions based on our own
misperception of ourselves.
That’s right where I was in my relationship with my “powerful”
friend. I realized I had been ungrateful to God for the wonderful way
He had made me. I had pushed aside what the Bible tells us—that
God looks on each one of us as His uniquely beautiful creation—and
instead I let an immature teenage girl make me feel bad about myself.
When my parents realized what was happening, they wisely helped
me rethink the priority I had put on this friendship, and they encouraged me to ask God to forgive me for not appreciating the way He had
created me. Looking back, I feel sad to think what it must have been
like for God to see me, His unique and carefully designed Jessa, looking in the mirror and disliking the girl He’d created with such love.
Have you been there? Standing in front of a mirror with a negative
attitude about the girl you’re seeing? You’re not alone! All of us, including the Duggar girls, have had times when we compare ourselves with
the way other girls dress, do their hair, how much they weigh, how
they carry themselves, and how guys respond to them.
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But if we’re upset with that girl in the mirror, it means we’re upset
with God for how He designed us. We may start to think He messed
up when He designed us or even
that He doesn’t love
us. And that leads
us to put our confidence and trust in
someone else—such
as a teenage peer
who somehow gains
a more powerful influence on our lives
Jill, left, and Jessa followed the traditional custom of
taking a “mud bath” while visiting the Dead Sea in Israel.
than God.
If that’s where you are right now, we’re here to help you see yourself through new eyes—God’s powerful, love-filled, encouraging, and
forgiving eyes. We hope to convince you that God loves you more than
anyone else in the world loves you and that He has a unique plan for
your life. We’ve learned through firsthand experience that when we
make Him the priority in our lives and seek His way and His approval,
He will fill us with a humble confidence that gives us inward strength
and makes us immune to the sometimes-harsh judgment of others
who don’t have our best interests at heart.
Our parents worked hard to instill that idea within us as we were
growing up.
Honoring How God Made You
Ultimately, how we care for ourselves (hair, makeup, clothes) tells
others what we think about the way God made us. So our primary goal
is to honor the Lord with our appearance. A friend of ours said it this
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way: “A girl’s outward appearance should send a message that says,
‘This is who I am,’ not ‘This is what I do.’ ” We want to maintain this
perspective and keep our focus on pointing others to God.
Accepting the way God has uniquely made us helps us not to be
so concerned with how others view us. Many people have demonstrated that truth to us. One of them was a sweet, Christian woman
I (Jill) met last year when we were on a trip out west. She invited us
to her home for dinner one evening, and while we were there, she and
her husband showed us around their place and told us a little about
themselves.
She shared that she came from an Italian family, and then she
joked that a lot of Italians have long noses. She said when she was
about to graduate from high school her mom came to her with a check
that was a gift for her to be able to get surgery done to make her nose
smaller.
The woman told us she was taken by surprise—and so was her
mom when the daughter told her she wouldn’t be carrying on the family’s “nose job” tradition. “I’m content with the way God made me,” she
said.
That conversation really made an impact on all of us girls, reminding us that none of us can choose the design God selected for us when
He created us, but we can choose how we respond to His design.
Contentment is realizing that God has provided everything we need
for our present happiness.
Another key is recognizing the “unchangeable” things in our life
and choosing to live joyfully with them. For this lady, it was accepting
her Italian nose. For us it may be our ears, height, shoe size, gender,
parents, siblings, or any number of other things.
Sure, it’s technically possible to change some of these things.
You can renounce your citizenship and pledge your loyalty to another
country, and you can have surgery to change some of your physical
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features, but before you do, we hope you’ll carefully and prayerfully
consider what God originally gave you when He created you. If you
go through life comparing yourself to others, you can always find
someone who is smarter, better-looking—whatever—and it’s easy to
become discontent, depressed, or even angry at God.
But if we choose to be grateful and thank God for the unchangeable things in our lives, whether it is facial features or a birthmark we
were born with—or even physical scars that have come about later in
life from accidents such as burns or being injured in a car wreck—it
changes our whole perspective on life. We will finally be able to overcome fear of rejection and live confidently and contentedly with these
unchangeable things that we did not choose for ourselves.
Improving the Changeables
Now, sometimes there
are
changeable things in life that can use
improvement—our weight, for instance. When we were younger, most
of us could eat about anything we wanted to and not gain weight, but
those times have
changed.
We’ve
found that most of
us older Duggars
have a tendency to
gain weight.
Over the years,
Mom has done her
best to prepare nutritious meals for us,
and she has always
kept healthy fruits
We might not be the neatest sushi makers, but Jana,
Josie, Jedidiah, and Jackson sure had fun trying
when we visited the Japanese Sushi Academy.
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and vegetables around for us to snack on throughout the day, whether
they are grown in our own garden or purchased from the local farmers
market. We have chosen to avoid pork, and instead we choose grassfed beef or lean poultry. While we do eat some processed foods, we try
to be selective, and we do not keep a stash of sodas, potato chips, or
Pop-Tarts around the house.
And the Duggar children are very active, whether we’re building
a tree fort or playing our favorite sports together—some of which include basketball, kickball, football, foursquare, and volleyball (and
we have enough players to make up at least two teams!). But just the
same, we have found that as we grow older, it can be challenging to
stay fit and in shape.
Just last year our oldest brother, Josh, decided to lose some weight,
and he felt like the first thing to go should be his sweet tea and sodas.
With his work and busy schedule, he had not been watching his intake
of those sweet drinks, so he was surprised when he hopped on the
scale one day and realized he had gained more than twenty pounds.
When he cut out the sugary drinks, started drinking more water, and
exercising a little, he saw the weight drop off.
Mom told us she put on nearly forty pounds a few years ago
throughout the course of several pregnancies. She tried several
weight-loss programs but began to think she would never be able to
slim back down. Finally she tried Weight Watchers and learned about
making wiser food choices. During one of the weekly meetings the
leader said, “When it comes to losing weight, it’s really eighty percent
diet and twenty percent exercise. You can eat more calories in a few
minutes than you can burn off in an hour-long workout.”
Weight Watchers taught Mom about portion control, and it provided a great accountability system. She also started exercising three
miles a day on an elliptical machine. By working to keep in shape, she
looks and feels great, and she’s been a big inspiration to the rest of us!
A couple of other changeable things in life are makeup and hair.
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We heard a pastor say one time, “Any ol’ barn looks better with some
paint on it!” Our goal when we wear makeup is to look natural, so no
wild colors and it’s not painted on an inch thick. But cosmetics can
help cover blemishes, accent natural beauty, and draw attention to
your countenance (another word for your face).
It’s the same with hair. When cared for properly and thoughtfully
styled, it too can be a beautiful frame to draw attention to your countenance.
We Duggar girls choose to wear our hair rather long, but we could
wear shorter styles if we wanted to. Our hairstyle is our choice, and
we choose longer hair based on our understanding of 1 Corinthians
11:14–15. It says that even nature itself teaches us that, while it is a
shame for a man to have long hair, a woman’s hair is her glory. We figure, if God says our hair is our “glory,” then He must have considered
it a gift to us, and we want to take care of it and put a little effort each
day into styling it.
Twenty-five Duggars plus our cousin Amy, Grandma, and our film
crew traveled together to London, where the girls took time out
from sightseeing for a photo in front of Buckingham Palace.
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But if we become obsessed with having the perfect hairstyle and
spend two hours in front of the mirror every morning making sure
every hair is in place, that’s going a little too far. (And it would also be
nearly impossible in the Duggar household, given the limited number
of bathrooms and the seemingly unlimited number of people needing
to use them at any given time!)
One thing we’re trying to do in this book is to share not only what
we’ve been taught but also what we’ve learned through firsthand experience. I (Jana) can tell you I learned an important lesson about hair—
and also about making rash decisions.
One day several years ago when I was a young teenager, some of
us girls were talking with a friend and she mentioned something about
how you could put highlights in your hair by simply using peroxide or
lemon juice. It was certainly inexpensive and sounded easy to do, so
I decided to try it. I wasn’t making a big change to my sandy-brown
hair, just adding some highlights, so I didn’t consider it a big deal and
didn’t ask Mama about it—and didn’t mention my plan to anyone
else. I didn’t know exactly how to do it, but I was sure I could figure
it out. I mean, how hard could it be to put one simple liquid on my
hair?
So, a few days later, I got some peroxide and put a rather generous amount on my hair, dabbing it on and then combing it through.
I stood there looking in the mirror, not seeing any change, and thinking, Hmmm. I guess it didn’t work.
Oh well. It was a nice, sunshiny day, and I decided to do some
work in the flower beds, something I enjoy.
A few hours later, I came back inside and couldn’t believe what
I saw in the mirror! Everyone else was surprised, too. My twin brother,
John-David, said, “Wow, Jana! Did you dye your hair orange?”
When Dad saw it and I explained what I’d done, he said, “Oh,
Jana, peroxide isn’t something to mess around with. I wish you had
talked to Mom about it first!”
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By that time, I was wishing the same thing! I told Dad, “I didn’t
think it would bleach my hair this much.”
It was hard living with the prolonged consequences of my spurof-the-minute decision. Then, as my hair began to grow out, it was no
longer just orange but two-toned orange and brown. I was so embarrassed by it that, once again, I acted impulsively. I went to a beauty
supply store and asked the salesclerk what she recommended. She
suggested I cover up the problem by using a slightly darker shade of
hair color than my natural shade.
I was so determined to fix the problem that I ended up picking
a color that was too dark, leaving me with nearly jet-black hair—and
teaching me an important life lesson. Since then I’ve been content
with the color God chose for my hair.
We’re not saying there’s anything wrong with dyeing your hair (although we recommend that you know what you’re doing before you try
it!). We love to experiment with different styles, and some of us may
decide someday to add highlights or change our hair color. But most
likely, it won’t be Jana!
Like many people—maybe like you—we sometimes feel we need
to make a change in our appearance or in some other aspect of our
lives, but we’re learning that it’s wise to ask advice, and we certainly
need to pray about it. We like to look our best, but we don’t want to
get carried away and let a focus on outward beauty cause us to lose
sight of what’s most important: developing inward character.
Choosing Our Favorite Styles
Now, let us take a moment to chat about the Duggar girls’ fashion
preferences and shopping habits. What we’re about to share are our
personal standards—not everyone shares the same convictions. Even
families who share our Christian values may not share our same con-
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victions about modesty. Daddy reminds us regularly that if the Lord
shows you something from Scripture, then you have a responsibility to
respond to that guidance. We simply honor what God wants our family
to do. It doesn’t mean that what we do is for everybody. God convicts
different people of different things at different times.
As we were growing up, Mom and Dad always explained in detail
why we do what we do and that everything had a root in Scripture.
Now that we’re older, we do our own research. Dad and Mom desire
each one of us to individually follow God.
Duggars tend to be night owls instead of early risers, but quite a
few times we have had to get up super early to gather in our home’s
living room for remote broadcasts for the Today show.
Throughout our younger years, Dad taught us all to be frugal, and
Mom did an amazing job of clothing her big family well on a shoestring budget—and thrift store purchases. Her focus was never on
whether her children were dressed in the most expensive clothing but
on who filled our hearts.
We’re aware of modern fashion trends because we travel a lot and
interact with a wide variety of people. But we prefer to wear modest
and feminine skirts and dresses; it’s how Mom dressed us as we were
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growing up; and now that we are older, it’s what we choose for ourselves. It’s our own personal conviction based on scriptures such as
Deuteronomy 22:5 and 1 Timothy 2:9. And since our favorite shopping style is frugality, our favorite places to shop are thrift and consignment stores. If you shop there enough (and we go fairly often!) you
can find great clothes at great prices.
While some people shop in used clothing stores begrudgingly, we
absolutely love it! Many times you can find adorable outfits for about
80 to 90 percent off the prices you might pay for them at the mall. It’s
like a treasure hunt! When we’re traveling, as we get close to the place
we’re going to stay, we girls get online and start mapping out nearby
thrift stores. (If our oldest brother Josh is with us, he’ll be locating
every nearby pawnshop looking for equipment or items he can use or
resell.)
Duggars simply love deals. Mom and Dad continuously teach us
to “buy used and save the difference,” and we enjoy both the shopping
and the savings.
We aren’t especially interested in labels, except maybe for those
brands we know are well made and won’t fall apart in the laundry. We
simply want to dress in a way that is modest and cute. We want to be
respectful of those around us, and we don’t want those we meet and
work with to be distracted by what we’re wearing.
It’s okay to enhance or accent whatever beauty God has given us,
but we try to be careful not to wear clothes that are too tight and draw
attention to the wrong places. But this does not mean we go out dressing frumpy or trying to look formless. Clothing can be cute, trendy,
and stylish, and still entirely modest.
We do not dress modestly because we are ashamed of the body
God has given us; quite the contrary. We realize that our body is a special gift from God and that He intends for it to be shared only with our
future husband (Proverbs 5:18–20). For this reason, we avoid low-cut,
cleavage-showing, gaping, or bare-shouldered tops; and when needed,
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we wear an undershirt. We try to make it a habit to always cover the
top of our shirt with our hand when we bend over. We don’t want to
play the peekaboo game with our neckline.
Scripture states in several places that the uncovering of the thigh
is nakedness, so we have also chosen not to wear short skirts; our goal
is to wear skirts that come below the knee.
It just makes sense that convictions should carry over into every
area of life, so looking ahead, we each desire to maintain this standard
of modesty when choosing our wedding dress. For us, this will mean
finding a dress with sleeves and a modest neckline. We feel that many
designers encourage girls to flaunt things to all their wedding guests
that should be seen only by their groom. However, there are bridal
companies who understand that it is possible to
make wedding gowns absolutely gorgeous while
being entirely modest.
Several of our friends
have purchased stunning
dresses from designers
such as www.beautifully
modest
. com
or
www
.totallymodest.com.
It is our goal to maintain modesty when we are
swimming or participating
in other activities as well.
While long shorts and a
swim shirt have worked
Everybody makes mistakes. Toddler Jana
realized she’d made one when she pulled a long
strand of toilet tissue off the roll—and then
couldn’t figure out how to get it back on.
in the past, we have
now found many modest
swimwear companies on-
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line that make cute styles that are both practical and comfortable for
swimming. (One that we have used is wholesomewear.com.)
Mom says that after she became a Christian, she realized,
I wouldn’t go out in public wearing just my bra and panties, but how is
wearing a bikini or even a one-piece at the pool or beach any different
than that? She felt convicted that there wasn’t any difference.
It’s true that boys need to keep their minds out of the gutter, but
we girls also have a responsibility not to dress or act in a way that
builds up sensual desires in guys.
As Christians, it is our hope that through the way we dress, act,
and carry ourselves, others will be able to see God’s love shining
through our faces, our words, and our actions. That’s the “clothing
label” we want to wear.
As teenagers we may have gone through times when we were insecure and momentarily influenced by the world around us instead of
by the God who made us. But through our parents’ prayers, and ultimately by God’s grace, God has brought us back to what’s really important. The stories of how that happened are what we hope to share
with you in the following pages.
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2
Your Relationship with Your Parents
Love, respect, and communication
Honour thy father and thy mother:
that thy days may be long.
—Exodus 20:12
W
e get a lot of letters and e-mails from girls who watch 19 Kids
and Counting, and many of them ask our advice on tough is-
sues. We don’t pretend to have all the answers to the difficult situations some of these girls are going through. But, in this book, we want
to share what we’ve learned and what we’ve experienced that might relate to their questions.
Most important, we pray for the girls who share their hearts with us.
A lot of the girls have written to us about the pain caused by their
dad abandoning their family or their parents getting a divorce. Others
are still living all under the same roof, but there is much strife, contention, and anger.
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Our dad has shared that when he was growing up, his dad did
not have a spiritual focus, and because of that his father often did not
have the right attitudes and responses. This caused a lot of problems
in his family. They struggled financially and had the utilities temporarily shut off many times. At one point their house was foreclosed on.
But his mother was a strong woman of faith who consistently encouraged Dad and his older sister to trust the Lord no matter what
came their way. Dad said he tried to pick out his dad’s good qualities and apply them to his life—things like sales ability and a giving
heart—but leave out the bad qualities. He also looked up to other
godly men in his church as role models. Romans 8:28 became Dad’s
life verse: “And we know that all things work together for good to them
that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”
This means that as we trust God, He will work all situations to
turn out for eventual good in our lives. So instead of getting angry and
upset when things don’t go our way, we need to thank God and look
for the benefits that can come from the situation. He has promised
that even the seemingly bad will work out for our good!
As a result of Dad’s childhood, one obvious benefit was that he
gained great faith in God. There were a few times when his family
honestly didn’t know where their next meal would come from, but his
mom would encourage them to pray, and he saw God answer their
prayers countless times. This caused him to develop a spiritual focus
at a young age. Also, with his father not striving to be a spiritual leader
in his life, Dad determined early on that, by God’s grace, he would become a godly husband and father to his own family one day.
Dad’s background has also given him sensitivity toward others who
have grown up in similar situations. Our parents have led our family
to reach out to those around us who for one reason or another don’t
have a mom or dad. As we have reached out, we have truly felt that
we have received the greater blessing in return through the love others have shown us.
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Your Relationship with Your Parents | 23
Mom’s dad spent most of his growing-up years in an orphanage.
Despite that rough beginning, he chose not to go through life feeling
sorry for himself or to wallow in depression but rather to live cheerfully and encourage those around him. He became a very tenderhearted man and a hard worker. He got promoted into management at
a large machine shop and eventually took a job that moved his family
from Cincinnati, Ohio, to Springdale, Arkansas, when Mom was four
years old. He determined to become a loving father, and he and his
wife ended up having seven children (our mom is the seventh).
This goes to show that no matter what kind of family situation you
grow up in, God can use it to make you stronger. And as you resolve to
develop a genuine love and servant’s heart toward your family, you will
see God begin to work in their hearts as well.
Boundaries
Some parents are a little on the strict side; others are more laid-back.
But it is important for each of us to realize that our parents love us.
Even though parents make mistakes and are not perfect, it’s important
that we honor and respect them.
As we get older and show signs of maturity, we gain more freedoms, but with greater freedom comes greater responsibility. For years,
our parents have invested in our lives and mentored us with the goal
of sending us out into this world to make a difference.
We have received letters from girls whose parents want to be
“cool,” so they avoid telling their kids no. Those parents probably assume their teenagers are mature enough to set their own appropriate
boundaries and make wise choices. But we know from our own experience that young teenagers often don’t have the maturity needed for
making decisions, especially for deciding issues that can carry lifelong impact. We made plenty of poor decisions as teenagers, and while
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we’re thankful our parents gave us increasing freedom to decide tough
issues for ourselves as we matured, we’re also grateful they didn’t just
turn us loose to decide everything independently as soon as we turned
thirteen—or even eighteen!
Instead, they have given us plenty of guidance and have provided a
solid foundation during our growing-up years. When each of us children learned to read, they encouraged us to read and study the Bible,
and as we grew they encouraged us to start thinking about the convictions and guidelines God would have us set for ourselves. In this
chapter we’re going to talk about how they did that.
The Hottest Hot Topic
One of the biggest issues teenage girls focus on is boys—in particular, one boy. At least that’s what girls tell us in letters that usually say
something like “There’s this boy . . .”
We get the feeling that the world thinks strained relationships between teenage girls and their parents occur most often because the
girl wants to date a certain boy and the parents say no. Usually it’s because the girl is too young or because the boy isn’t “good enough” for
their daughter. And
certainly we get letters from girls (and
parents) in those situations, so we know
that’s often the case.
But we have also
received several letters from girls who
Duggars grow up sharing lots of hugs, laughter,
and love. From left: Jinger, Jana, Jill, and Jessa.
wished their parents
would have provided
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more boundaries for them when they were dating. Surprising, but
true.
Before we go any further, we need to clarify that none of us girls
actually plans to date (as most people would define dating). If marriage is in God’s future plan for any of us, we desire for our relationships with our future husbands to develop through courtship, rather
than today’s norm of dating. We’ll talk more about that in chapter 5,
but for now we want to focus on a teenage girl’s relationship with her
parents as she becomes aware of teenage boys and starts thinking
about dating or courtship.
Here’s the bottom line: The relationship a girl has with her dad
often influences how she will relate to boys. Girls want to believe their
dads love them and will protect them. When they don’t feel that, they
often go searching for those things from guys. This can lead to unwise decisions, which in turn bring a host of consequences and painful memories.
One young woman who wrote to us desperately wanted her father
to at least check out the boys who wanted to date her. But he didn’t.
When a boy came to pick her up at her home, her dad would send her
on her way with the words “Have a good time.”
Maybe that seems like every teenage girl’s dream—a dad who lets
her do whatever she wants or go out with any guy she wants to date.
But when we reached out to mentor this girl, she told us that as she
and the boy-of-the-week would drive away, she might have been smiling on the outside, but inside she felt empty. Worthless. Not even important enough for her father to bother checking out the boy who was
taking her out.
Children grow up seeing what their parents value. We are grateful to have parents whose faith in Jesus is their top priority. They value
their relationship with Him, and second to that, they cherish their relationship with each other and with their family. A girl watches what her
father takes care of: his sports car, his custom-made golf clubs, his in-
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vestments. It’s unlikely that a dad would entrust his prized convertible
to a teenage boy he didn’t really know and just let the kid take it out for
a spin without supervision; but that same dad may let a relatively unknown boy drive off with his daughter without giving it much thought.
That dad may think he’s being a great, understanding father who
wants to make his daughter happy. But instead he may be striking a
severe blow to that daughter’s self-esteem. It’s easy for her, in that situation, to think she’s not good enough, not important enough, to be
loved. And that kind of thinking can make her vulnerable to the first
boy who tells her he loves her and wants to share that love through a
physical relationship.
The girl may so yearn to feel valued and accepted by a male that
she gives in to the boy’s desires. But too often the boy’s “love” for her
turns out to be fleeting, and the girl is left feeling cast off and degraded.
From there, things can easily spiral downward as the girl’s yearning to
feel valued intensifies and she seeks acceptance from the next boy who
comes along. We hear from a lot of girls in this painful situation.
Girls want their dad to be their protector. They want to feel valued by their dad more than any possession he owns. If he doesn’t
show that he values
her, daughters can
easily feel devalued,
even betrayed.
If you’re a girl
in this situation, we
know it’s unlikely
that you’ll go to
your father and say,
“Dad, I’d like you to
Even though there are a lot of birthdays to celebrate
in our family, our parents make each of them special.
Here Jinger, left, Jessa, and Dad admire the cake
Mom made to celebrate Jessa’s seventh birthday.
be stricter with me
when it comes to
dating.” But we en-
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courage you to pray about your relationship with your dad and ask God
to give him those characteristics he’s missing, or to give him insights
that will help improve his relationship with you. And then do your
part: show respect when your dad makes hard decisions; don’t argue or
pout when he sets guidelines for your family. And watch for opportunities to spend time with your dad and talk with him, knowing that close
communication can strengthen your relationship.
The Importance of Love and Respect
Of course, sometimes things happen in families that make communication difficult, if not impossible. We hear from girls whose families
struggle with a wide range of challenges in their parents: alcoholism,
drug addiction, physical abuse, or the absence of a parent due to death
or divorce. We’re barely more than teens ourselves, and in these situations we don’t have the professional training to give these girls the
kind of emergency assistance they need. So in those cases, we urge
girls to reach out to a trusted adult—the other parent, a pastor or pastor’s wife, a Sunday school teacher, or Christian counselor. Meanwhile
we can pray for their safety and emotional well-being, and we can
offer a listening ear as they pour out the cries of their hearts.
When safety isn’t an issue and communication is broken, we share
what we know about healing the rift. Again, we’re certainly not experts in family counseling, but we’ve grown up in a family that strives
to make good, honest communication a top priority, and we’re glad to
share some things we’ve learned over the years if it can be of help.
An opportunity to do that came not too long ago when one of my
(Jill’s) friends called me with the devastating news that her dad was
leaving the family, and her parents were getting a divorce. We cried together as she sobbed out her heartache. She has given me permission to
share her story in hopes that it can benefit others in similar situations.
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As one of the older children in her family, she felt a huge responsibility to set an example of loving encouragement for her younger
siblings, but that seemed impossible when she was battling so many
emotions herself. When she tried to talk with her dad about his leaving and tell him how hurt she and her siblings were, the conversation
ended with both of them exploding in anger. She and her dad both
said things they probably wished they hadn’t said.
As days turned into weeks and then months, we continued to talk
frequently, but it didn’t seem that her relationship with her dad could
ever be reconciled. Each time we talked, I told her I would be praying for her—and particularly for her relationship with her father. But it
seemed that she and her dad were growing further apart.
When the divorce was finalized, it included mandatory visitation
for the dad with all the children. But because of the strained relationship between my friend and her father, he said he wouldn’t force her
to come. “It’s up to you,” he told her.
Maybe her dad meant well by not forcing her, but his words hurt
her deeply. By leaving it up to her, her dad seemed to be saying he
didn’t care about his daughter—at least that’s how it felt to her.
On the outside, my friend seemed tough and acted like it didn’t
hurt, but on the inside she was heartbroken, and often when we talked
by phone, the tears came pouring out. Despite the pain, she knew her
relationship with her father was important. And she knew in her heart
that her dad felt the same way. They just didn’t seem to know how to
get past all the hurt.
Then, out of the blue, months after their big blowup when he left
the family, the girl’s dad invited her and her siblings to go to a ball
game with him. But again, he let her know she didn’t have to go if she
didn’t want to.
My friend and I talked about her dad’s invitation, and she acknowledged that it meant her dad was still trying to have a relationship with
her. He hadn’t given up, even though it seemed like he didn’t care.
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The girl decided to go, even though her heart was still full of so
much pain and bitterness toward her dad that she was afraid it would
come rushing out and damage their relationship even more. But the
truth was, she missed her dad and longed to spend time doing fun
things with him the way they’d done before the divorce.
When she asked for my advice on how to handle this situation
with her dad, I told her I didn’t know what it was like to be in a family
split by divorce, but I know the feeling of wanting to have healthy family relationships.
I encouraged the girl to honor her dad because, despite her hurt
feelings, he is still her father. Everyone wants to be respected, but it’s
especially important for fathers. I suggested that to begin improving
their relationship, the first thing she needed to work on was being positive. If she felt like she was going to say something critical or negative, I advised her that it would be better, at least for now, to choose
not to say anything. Along with this goal, I encouraged her to pray for
her dad and ask God to help him have more patience and kindness
and to pray that he would be “slow to anger,” a phrase that occurs several times in the Bible describing a characteristic of God.
The Bible teaches that whenever we encounter those who are
troubled by harmful character qualities—things like anger, dishonesty,
impatience, vanity—we should pray that God will help them to develop the opposite quality—things like a peaceful demeanor, truthfulness, patience, and humility. I shared these suggestions with the girl,
and we prayed together that God would help her dad replace his negative character qualities with positive ones. We also asked God to do the
same thing for the girl, replacing her anger with respect and courtesy.
So they went to the ball game, and she called me afterward, excitedly describing the outing with her dad. Things had been a little
strained at first, she said, but the afternoon had passed peacefully,
and there had even been moments of fun and laughter. She felt they’d
taken a solid step toward restoring their relationship.
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I suggested that
a good next step
would be for her to
find something she
could praise her dad
for or thank him for.
The next time they
were together, she
thanked him for
reaching out to her,
and she told him,
“I like it when you
Our travel schedule makes it hard to have pets, so we’re
grateful to neighbors who share their friendly animals, and
as you can see from the smile on Jana’s face here, we did
enjoy having a horse named Samson several years ago.
call to talk to me.”
As she has kept
her focus on honor-
ing her father and looking for ways to be positive and praise him, their
communication has gotten better. And although the situation is still
challenging, by demonstrating an attitude of love and respect she’s
helping their relationship improve.
If you’re going through a tough time and your relationship with
one or both of your parents is strained, we hope you’ll ask God to
give you the wisdom and the courage to do your part in making a difference. Show love and respect. Look for opportunities to express
gratefulness for the sacrifices they make as parents, and avoid being
critical. Pray that God will replace the negative character qualities in
both you and your parent with the opposite character traits and then
watch for times when you can put those qualities to work.
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Crucial Communication
Love and respect are important in our family—and in every family.
But those qualities don’t always come about automatically. When you
see the Duggar family on television happily having adventures at home
and around the country, it may seem like we never have disagreements
or that we kids never get upset with each other or with Mom or Dad.
But we’re human. Sometimes siblings irritate us! We get our feelings
hurt! We get disappointed when things don’t turn out the way we expected them to.
When those situations occur, our parents have shown us by their
own example ways to resolve them so that our relationships with each
other aren’t damaged. We’ll talk more about how we resolve disputes
with our siblings in the next chapter. In this section we want to share
the ways we relate to our parents. For Duggar kids, that begins with
how we talk to and with Mom and Dad.
Like most families, our parents desire that their relationship with
us is one of love and mutual respect. Mom and Dad have also emphasized that they are there for us whenever we’re going through a tough
time and need someone to share our heart with. They’ve made it clear
that we can always come to them and tell them anything and they’ll
be there to listen and, if need be, to give us counsel. They understand
that sometimes girls just need to talk to someone but don’t necessarily want a five-step solution to fix everything! Many times we just want
someone to listen to what’s going on in our lives.
We are reminded that the book of Proverbs is full of parents saying
to their children, in various ways, “My son, my daughter, give me your
heart. Hear my counsel. Listen to my instruction.” In communicating
with our parents about the challenges and struggles we are facing, we
have found that they walked through similar experiences in their own
youth, and they can share personal stories, encouragement, and advice
on how to get through these difficult times.
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I (Jinger) went through a couple of difficult stages when talking with
Mom and Dad was both challenging—and healing. The first was when
I was about five years old and we were living in a rented house near Little Rock while Dad was serving in the legislature there. One evening
while Dad was driving the hour-long commute home from work, a tornado warning was issued for our area. Mom and Grandma nestled all
of us kids into the bathtub, and we huddled there, praying and singing
hymns as the tornado roared by a neighborhood not too far from ours.
For a long time after that I was fearful of death and of storms.
There were many, many nights when I would wake up Mom and Dad
in the middle of the
night, worrying that another storm would come
and kill us all. Or kill me.
Or kill them and leave us
kids to fend for ourselves.
Our parents have always encouraged us to
come to them anytime,
day or night, when we’re
frightened or having troubling thoughts. (Daddy
says some nights they
have a full and overflowing room full of Duggars!)
When I would go to
my parents with my fears,
they would snuggle me
into their arms and reasWhen Dad asked if the girls would like to
experience what it’s like to go turkey hunting,
Jinger took him up on the invitation.
sure me. They would encourage me to look to
God by quoting the words
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of David from the Psalms: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee”
(Psalms 56:3). Then they would pray with me and remind me of other
Bible verses that promise God’s love and care for us, such as God’s
promise “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5).
Eventually I would go back to bed and sleep soundly.
Now when I meet a little girl who’s afraid of storms, I tell her
I used to be afraid, too, and I’d run to my parents’ bedroom just as
she’s probably doing when the thunder rolls and the lightning crackles.
And I tell her what my parents encouraged me to do every time I felt
afraid: they would suggest that I focus on those reassuring Bible verses
I’d memorized (such as Psalm 23) and that I shift my focus away from
myself and my fears by praying for someone else who might be going
through a scary or difficult time.
I grew out of my fear of storms just in time to hit another difficult
bump in the road. It came when I was turning thirteen and entering
the tough stage so many girls endure somewhere between twelve and
sixteen. You’re no longer a little girl, but you’re not quite a woman. The
hormones kick in. You suddenly notice boys. Confusing thoughts are
zipping through your mind and sometimes lies fill your head, telling
you things like “I’m ugly” or “I’m never gonna get a guy.”
The lies in your head can seem random and constant, making
you think you have to look a certain way or act a certain way. Self-
acceptance becomes a major issue. You want to change your looks,
your friends, your personality, everything. You want desperately to appear like a super-cool teenager, but at the same time, you may feel
yourself inwardly spiraling downward into an endless well of selfdoubt.
When I was in this stage, I went to my parents many a night, or
I would confide in Mom during the day, sharing my worries or doubts
about myself.
My parents responded with unwavering love and encouragement.
Dad would say, “Jinger, as long as you keep talking, you will be okay!
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You’ll get through this. It’s a season of your life, and things will get easier as you grow in your relationship with God.”
Mom reminded me that when Jesus was tempted, He quoted
Scripture. She wrote out verses for me to memorize from Romans
6 and other passages so that when the doubts or fears would sneak
in, I could push them aside with assurances and truths from God’s
Word. As a family, we also memorized Ephesians 6:10–20 because it
talks about the armor and weapons that we as Christians have to use
against the attacks of Satan.
Mom also encouraged me to choose a “prayer target” and suggested that anytime I was tempted by negative thoughts or by worries
and fears I could use that as a springboard to pray for someone I knew
who needed God’s salvation or just needed to draw closer to Him. She
gave me a great mental exercise: every time the devil tries to tempt you
to be fearful, to believe lies about yourself, or to get consumed with
boy thoughts, take the focus off yourself by quoting God’s Word and
praying for someone else. Satan definitely doesn’t want you praying, so
eventually he’ll back off!
Like Dad, Mom also assured me that this stage would soon pass.
One day, when I was in the throes of self-doubt and tempted to let
worrisome thoughts fill my mind, Mom asked me if it would be okay
if she asked Jana to talk with me. I agreed. Jana opened up and shared
about how during her teenage years she had experienced many of the
same struggles, and as she applied these same principles to her life
she was able to slowly get out of this same emotional rut. She said this
emotional roller coaster affects a lot of teenage girls, but as you seek
the Lord and grow in your relationship with Him you will be strengthened, and these trials will slowly fade away.
Mom knew that her and Dad’s reassurance was helpful, but to hear
it from an older sister who had been in the same stage not too long ago
was even more powerful. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to “hear counsel, and
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receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise.” I listened to Mom’s and
Jana’s counsel, and the troubling thoughts soon lessened.
Heart-to-Heart Talks
Mom and Dad don’t just say, “You can talk to us anytime,” and leave
it at that. In addition to daily striving to keep up with our hearts, they
also set aside time—usually on one Saturday a month—specifically for
heart-to-heart family time. It’s a dedicated time when each of us kids,
one after another, spends time with them talking one-on-one, typically
either in their bedroom or in the room we call our prayer closet. Sometimes we talk with Mom, sometimes with Dad, or sometimes with
both together. Often to help get the conversation going, they’ll ask us
questions.
They’ve let us know that they are a “safe place” to share things and
that we can tell them anything, no matter how hard it may be for them
to hear.
So far, if they’ve been shocked by something we’ve said, they
haven’t shown it. And we know they will keep our issues private unless
we agree that they can share them with a sibling, like Mom did when
Jinger needed encouragement from Jana. As Dad says, they’re not
going to announce our worries or misdeeds as public prayer requests
next Sunday at church!
Since our parents have a twenty-four-hour open-door policy, we
sometimes come in at midnight, even 2 a.m., just to talk or share our
heart. (If we come in too late, things can get a bit entertaining. Dad
sometimes finds it hard to stay awake. It’s not a matter of interest. But
after all, it is 2 a.m., and even the Duggars are usually asleep by then.
That’s when Mom might give him a gentle nudge and say, “Jim Bob,
wake up. We’re still talking here!”)
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At the beginning of a heart-to-heart talk, Mom and Dad might
start by asking, “How are you doing?”
Often we respond with a simple “Okay.”
And of course, most parents can discern whether that means
“good” or “not so good.”
From time to time, they might ask other simple questions—about
our favorite food, restaurant, candy, coffee, ice cream, board game,
color, music, clothes, and more. These questions aren’t just meant as
icebreaker chitchat. Mom takes notes! She may have nineteen kids,
but she wants to know every one of us in detail.
Inevitably, depending on the age of the child, the questions vary
from “Have you been kind to your siblings when playing?” for younger
kids, into “How’s your thought life going?” for an older one.
Then, depending on which child they’re talking with, they might
pick a couple of different questions from this list to ask during talk
time:
1. Who’s your best friend? What qualities do you admire in
him or her? Does this friendship tend to build you up or
pull you down?
2. What do you want to do with your life? Whom do you
want to be like? What skills do you want to develop?
Do you wonder what God’s will is for your life?
3. What books are you reading? What interests you in
that book and how has it influenced you? Have you
ever thought about writing a book? What topic would
you write about? (You might have guessed our answer
to these last questions!)
4. What things in our family discourage you? (Clutter?
Conflicts with siblings? Lack of space? Rules? When
others get into your stuff?)
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5. What changes would you like to see in us (Mom and
Dad)? (More time spent with the family? Greater spiritual
leadership?)
6. What projects are you working on now? Who or what are
you praying for? (Career training? Mentoring others?)
7. What things about yourself or your past would you like
to change?
8. If you could ask God any question, what would you
ask Him?
9. What things can I pray about for you?
These questions have changed over time, and of course the questions
they ask depend on the age of the child having the heart-to-heart talk.
Growing up with this kind of communication builds trust, and we feel
the freedom to share our deepest thoughts, hopes, fears, and failures
with our parents.
Whose Responsibility Is It?
We know that this family tradition of ours is pretty unusual. Maybe
in your family, there’s no way parents and kids can spend a whole day
talking one-on-one. And actually, having a set day for family talk time
may be the ideal, but it’s not our parents’ primary goal. Their priority is
that we maintain open communication at all times.
Maybe you’d like to have this kind of open relationship with your
parents, but you feel awkward suggesting it or just don’t know how to
make it happen. And even if your parents do set aside time for heartto-heart talks with you, we know you may not find it easy to respond.
That’s what happened when I (Jessa) was about thirteen. About
that time, I started thinking, If my parents really cared about me, they
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would be able to see that something is troubling me, and they’d help me
work through it.
But as much as I knew Mom and Dad loved me, and as hard as
they tried to let me know they were there for me, they didn’t ask the
“ideal question” (whatever that was!) that would have opened the
floodgates.
Ever been there? Thinking your parents just don’t understand you?
When that happens, it’s easy for walls of bitterness and hurt to rise up
as you sink deeper into your self-absorbed thinking and start believing
your parents just aren’t there for you when you need them most.
The truth is, they’re probably much more “there” for you than you
realize. But you may be stuck in a mind-set that makes you think it’s
their responsibility to figure out what’s going on with you—when, most
likely, you can’t even figure it out yourself!
It finally dawned on
me one day that the key
was for me to take responsibility in initiating
the conversation—and
that it was my responsibility to respond honestly
to their questions when
they tried to have a heartto-heart talk.
Instead of giving superficial answers to their
questions, I attempted to
be more thorough and
Our parents, Michelle and Jim Bob, value their
relationship with Jesus as their top priority.
Second to that comes their relationship
with each other and with their family.
open with my answers.
But the change was hard.
While I really wanted to
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be honest, I also didn’t want to “bother” them with everything, so I still
held back some stuff.
That meant those issues built up and up and up until, and by the
time I finally decided to open up to my parents, I felt almost like I was
in a “crisis situation”! I would be so stressed that I couldn’t get my
thoughts into words, and then I would begin to worry:
What are my parents going to think about me if I share this with
them?
What will others think if they find out?
Would I be better off not saying anything?
My parents reassured me that nothing I would ever say or do
could change their love for me. Their love is unconditional. They also
encouraged me to try to get everything off my heart. Mom compared
it to getting a splinter in your foot. Unless you get all of it out, it will
continue to cause you pain and can even become infected. Removing
a splinter may be somewhat painful at first, but that is the only way to
get long-term relief and bring healing.
I finally shared a small thing, just to see how they would react.
Then a little more and a little more until it all came pouring out in a
rush of sobs and jumbled-up phrases. After I shared, I felt so free inside, almost like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. This was
one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it brought peace and
strengthened my relationship with my parents. All of those fears that
had held me back from talking had almost kept me from experiencing one of the most wonderful feelings in the world—a clear conscience.
All of us girls have realized that if we end up crying when we’re
talking to Mom and Dad (and Jill and Jinger are now the most likely to
cry), it’s usually because we’ve waited too long to share the concerns
of our hearts.
After several heart-to-heart meltdowns, I (Jessa) have gotten better at opening up and talking about things that trouble me with Mom
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and Dad before the problems build up. That’s not to say it’s always
easy, but the blessings and sense of freedom that come with being
completely open and honest are wonderful. It means we feel understood by our parents, inside and out, and we know without a doubt
that they accept us and love us unconditionally.
It’s a sign of increasing maturity when a young person begins to
develop these communication skills. Being open can spare us many
troubles later on, as so many issues in adult life are a direct result of
miscommunication or noncommunication.
Improving Your Relationship
Here are some suggestions for how you can improve your
communication—and your relationship—with your parents.
If you visit our house, you might find yourself in the middle of a
foursquare game the minute you walk in the front door!
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Spend Time Together
Sure, you may live in the same house, but how much time do you actually spend enjoying each other? If that sounds strange to you, we encourage you to give it a try. Even if you feel your relationship with your
parents is strained, try just hanging out with them and watch for opportunities to start up a conversation.
In many homes, conversation flows easily around the kitchen
table or across the kitchen counter as someone is cooking or preparing a meal. Ask your parents questions about their childhood and
growing-up years. Share something funny that one of your friends
or little siblings said. Find something to chat about, even if it’s the
weather. Small talk can help to keep your relationship healthy and create a foundation for discussing deeper issues.
Express Gratefulness
As a family, we resolve to weed out daily those attitudes of ungratefulness that sneak in and bring with them an air of discontent. For instance, around our house we are not allowed to say, “I’m bored.” It is
an expression of ungratefulness with a person’s surroundings and a
complaining attitude with the idea that one must be constantly doing
something fun or entertaining in order to be happy.
Now, we must admit that there have been times when one of us
dared to utter those taboo words, but Mom quickly cured us of our
“boredom” with her nonchalant reply, “Well, if you can’t think of anything to do, I certainly can!” and then she would put us to work! If we
as sons and daughters take on a selfish “me-centered” attitude in life,
we may begin to feel that our parents owe it to us to provide us with
all the latest toys and gadgets, cute cars, and a fancy house. But the
Bible says, “And having food and raiment, let us be therewith con-
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tent” (1 Timothy 6:8). This means we should be content with the
most basic necessities of life, and that anything beyond that is an extra
bonus, not something we deserve or require.
Another thing that expresses ungratefulness is complaining about
rules or family guidelines. It never does any good to throw a fit like a
two-year-old! If there is something we really want to do but Mom and
Dad don’t agree, it’s helpful to try to see things from their point of
view. Our parents encourage us to talk to them and make a “wise appeal” (more about this later) if we feel something should be changed
or done differently.
Parents work hard to provide for their family’s needs and even
some of the “wants.” We need to constantly let them know we appreciate what they do, whether it’s cooking supper, hosting a birthday party,
paying for music lessons—or helping to put us through college! All of
us, including parents, like to have our work and sacrifices acknowledged. We can really brighten a parent’s day with a hug, a note of gratefulness, or a meaningful word of encouragement and appreciation.
Be a Blessing
Do your part. Actually look for ways to bless others. Help out around
the house and watch for opportunities to do little jobs, like washing the dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning, organizing, or folding
the laundry without being asked. Do your best to get along with your
brothers and sisters so your home is a place of peace and joy where
everyone feels safe and protected.
The Obedience Game
Duggar kids grow up playing the Obedience Game. It’s sort of like
Mother May I? except it has a few extra twists—and there’s no need
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to double-check with “Mother” because she (or Dad) is the one giving
the orders.
It’s one way Mom and Dad help the little kids in the family burn
off extra energy some nights before we all put on our pajamas and
gather for Bible time (more about that in chapter 8). To play the Obedience Game, the little kids all gather in the living room. After listening carefully to Mom’s or Dad’s instructions, they respond with “Yes,
ma’am, I’d be happy to!” then run and quickly accomplish the tasks.
For example, Mom might say, “Jennifer, go upstairs to the girls’
room, touch the foot of your bed, then come back downstairs and give
Mom a high-five.” Jennifer answers with an energetic “Yes, ma’am, I’d
be happy to!” and off she goes.
Dad might say, “Johannah, run around the kitchen table three
times, then touch the front doorknob and come back.” As Johannah
stands up she says, “Yes, sir, I’d be happy to!”
“Jackson, go touch the front door, then touch the back door, then
touch the side door, and then come back.” Jackson, who loves to play
army, stands at attention, then salutes and replies, “Yes, sir, I’d be
happy to!” as he goes to complete his assignment at lightning speed.
Sometimes spotters are sent along with the game player to make
sure the directions are followed exactly. And of course, the faster the
orders can be followed, the more applause the contestant gets when
he or she slides back into the living room, out of breath and pleased
with himself or herself for having complied flawlessly. All the younger
Duggar kids love to play this game; it’s a way to make practicing obedience fun!
The Four Points of Obedience
The game’s rules (made up by our family) stem from our study of the
four points of obedience, which Mom taught us when we were young.
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As a matter of fact, as we are writing this book she is currently teaching these points to our youngest siblings. Obedience must be:
1. Instant. We answer with an immediate, prompt “Yes
ma’am!” or “Yes sir!” as we set out to obey. (This response
is important to let the authority know you heard what
he or she asked you to do and that you are going to get
it done as soon as possible.) Delayed obedience is really
disobedience.
2. Cheerful. No grumbling or complaining. Instead, we
respond with a cheerful “I’d be happy to!”
3. Thorough. We do our best, complete the task as explained,
and leave nothing out. No lazy shortcuts!
4. Unconditional. No excuses. No, “That’s not my job!”
or “Can’t someone else do it? or “But . . .”
The hidden goal with this fun, fast-paced game is that kids won’t
need to be told more than once to do something.
Mom would explain the deeper reason behind why she and Daddy
desired for us to learn obedience. “Mom and Daddy won’t always be
with you, but God will,” she says. “As we teach you to hear and obey
our voice now, our prayer is that ultimately you will learn to hear and
obey what God’s tells you to do through His Word.”
In many families it seems that many of the goals of child training have been lost. Parents often expect their children to know what
they should say and do, and then they’re shocked and react harshly
when their sweet little two-year-old throws a tantrum in the middle
of the grocery store. This parental attitude probably stems from the
belief that we are all born basically good deep down inside, but the
truth is, we are all born with a sin nature. Think about it: You don’t
have to teach a child to hit, scream, whine, disobey, or be selfish. It
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comes naturally. The Bible says that parents are to “train up a child in
the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it”
(Proverbs 22:6).
It’s a parent’s responsibility to train their children to behave with
good character when they are young so that, by God’s grace, as they
continue to grow and mature, they will one day be loving, caring, and
responsible adults. And while training in the middle of a misbehavior is always necessary, Mom has found that many of these situations
can be avoided by training kids how to respond to a situation before it
arises. Maybe you could call it preventive parenting.
For instance, during hot summer days growing up, Mom would
occasionally let all of us have a Popsicle as a special treat. While we
were picking out our favorite flavor, she would say, “After we’re done
with our Popsicles, what are we going to do with the wrapper and
sticks? That’s right. They go in the trash can—not in the yard.”
Now, that’s not to say we never dropped our Popsicle wrappers
outside somewhere, but hearing that many times beforehand helped
us remember—and saved Mom from having to correct us afterward.
It helps so much to have goals to aim for and learn the right responses to different situations. From the time we were young, as part
of our homeschooling we would study a different character quality
every month, memorizing its definition together as a family. A full list
of all forty-nine character qualities, published by the Institute in Basic
Life Principles, can be found on our website (www.duggarfamily.com),
but we would like to list a few here:
• Obedience is the freedom to be creative under God-given
authority.
• Generosity is realizing that all I have belongs to God and
using it for His purposes.
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• Freedom is not the right to do what I want but the power to
do what I ought.
• Self-control is instant obedience to the initial prompting of
God’s Spirit.
• Kindness is seeing needs in the lives of others as
opportunities to demonstrate my love for Christ.
Once we had recited the character quality definition of the week a few
times, each one of us would write it out on a sheet of paper and decorate it with stickers and markers. Then we would post our decorative
youthful artwork around the house. Mom always made learning fun!
As our family has memorized these and many other powerful definitions, we have gained a deeper understanding of what these words
really mean.
A Wise Appeal
Now, we all acknowledge that nobody’s perfect, and that includes
parents. Sometimes parents may ask you to do something or go somewhere when they’re not fully aware of the details or how the request
will affect you. When this happens in the Duggar family, our parents
encourage us kids to make what we call a “wise appeal.” It means we
are expected to respectfully remind our parents of information they
have forgotten or may not know, or things that are going on that might
interfere with our carrying out their request. The key word here is respectfully. Sometimes this may include asking if it is okay to approach
the project from a different angle—using a creative alternative, as long
as it accomplishes the same ultimate goal (see Daniel 1).
When an authority asks us to do something, we should try to see
from the authority’s perspective, how and why he or she wants it done.
If we feel we cannot follow through because the time frame is too
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short or we find it’s unsafe or there are other obstacles hindering it
from being accomplished, then it’s time for a wise appeal.
Don’t just ignore what the person in authority is asking. It is a poor
representation of your character when you just avoid doing the requested job or activity altogether without attempting to make an appeal and explain why. Like Daniel in the Bible, who came up with an
innovative alternative when he was asked to do something he knew
was wrong, we must also formulate a creative alternative to present to
the person in authority when needed. Don’t argue in pride and try to
convince the authority you have a better idea; instead, humbly make
your case to the one in charge.
For example, if Mom asked Josiah to mow the lawn, he would ordinarily have no problem doing that. But maybe he already had plans
to help Dad with a remodeling project at one of our rental properties.
In that case, it’s Josiah’s responsibility to make a wise appeal by saying, “I would be glad to mow the lawn, but Dad and some of the others are in the middle of a tiling project and could use some extra help.
Would it be okay if I did it later, or would you want to ask one of the
other kids to do it?” More than likely she would agree that Dad could
use Josiah’s help
with the tiling, and
she would have Joy
or someone else
mow the lawn.
A wise appeal
starts by making
sure our attitude is
right. If we’re in the
middle of a
really
good book and don’t
want to leave it,
that’s not a good
Jessa and Jinger express their love for
each other through this big hug!
12/11/13 4:11 PM
enough reason not to help Mom when she asks us to do something.
Appeals should not be made merely as an attempt to get out of doing
work. On the other hand, if we’ve set up a time to mentor a younger
friend and she is due to arrive in fifteen minutes, we might say, “Mom,
I would be happy to help you, but Jamie’s coming over at three for our
mentoring time. Would it be okay if I did it later?”
Remember to always show respect to those in authority, even
when you can’t comply with what they want you to do. If you simply
say, “Nope, I’m not gonna do that,” you may end up getting in trouble
because of your stubborn attitude as much as because you’re refusing
to do what’s asked of you.
If you mouth off and say, “Mom, you know I can’t go to the store
now! Jamie’s coming at three,” your words and tone portray a condemning attitude that’s far from respectful.
While some kids tend to take that approach and fire back a reason
why they can’t do something, others may say, “Sure, I’ll do it,” just to
get their parent off their case. Maybe they really do plan to do it eventually, just not right
now. Parents don’t
appreciate this, either, and you can be
sure they will be
disappointed later to
hear “Oh, I forgot,”
or to hear you recite
a long list of excuses
why you didn’t get it
done. In the future
this makes it hard
for them to trust
Mom and Jessa flash confident smiles before
heading out on the skydiving airplane
and parachuting from 12,800 feet.
you and believe you
will follow through
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with what you say you’ll do. It is better to make a wise appeal if you
honestly think you cannot do it right away.
Wise appeals are also necessary if, halfway through the task, you
encounter some legitimate roadblock that hinders you from finishing
the project. For instance, if the mower runs out of fuel, go back and
report why you are unable to complete the mission. If you just think,
Well, that’s that, and quit, leaving the job half done, you can expect
that when your parent comes to check up on the project, he or she
won’t be very pleased.
A wise appeal makes a parent, teacher, boss, or anyone else in authority happy because he or she appreciates your respectful attitude,
even when you’re asking to be excused from what you’re being asked
to do. This also applies if someone should ask us (we hope unintentionally) to do something dangerous or morally wrong. Even then, it’s
important to be humble, loving, respectful, and yet bold, as we state
our reasons for not complying.
Parents Struggle, Too
We’ve explained that our parents encourage us to share our
hearts with them, including our struggles. But it may surprise you
to learn that they also open up their hearts to us in some ways. They
don’t go into unnecessary detail, but they aren’t afraid to tell us
their faults, and they want us to learn from their past mistakes and
failures.
Dad has also asked us kids to please bring it to his attention if we
see him raising his voice or talking with sharp words. Not that he has
a major anger problem, but like everyone who lives and breathes, he’s
experienced anger at one time or another. Dad has told us that his own
father was prone to angry outbursts. He has shared with us how hurtful and frightening his father’s angry outbursts could be. As a result,
12/11/13 2:46 PM
Dad committed early on to try to control his temper and spare his family from the anger that had caused him such discomfort as a boy.
That’s not to say Dad never gets angry. But he doesn’t express it in
angry rants. When he’s upset about something one of us kids has done
(or about something thoughtless or mean that someone has done), he
handles the situation directly—but calmly. If the culprit is one of the
kids, he or Mom will take that one aside and speak to him or her quietly and respectfully. If a consequence is in order, it’s handed down
the same way—privately, calmly, and respectfully. Mom and Dad have
made it a practice to praise in public, correct in private.
Years ago, Dad heard a man speak about his struggle with anger
and how God had given him a creative way to handle it. Dad decided
right then to implement the same strategy into his own life. That’s
when he told all of us kids if we ever sense that he’s getting worked up
about something, we have his permission to touch his arm gently and
quietly say, “Daddy, I think you’re getting angry.”
It isn’t that Dad doesn’t know he’s upset about something. Instead,
the little hand on his arm reminds him how important it is for his family’s well-being that he keep control of his temper. He told us to do
that because he knows that words can come pouring out in anger that
can’t be taken back and can cause emotional scars even after apologies
are given. These days, it seems like it rarely happens because Dad has
really made it a point to keep his temper in check, and we all agree he
has done a great job!
Some girls have confided in me (Jana) that they sometimes fear
their dads because they have exploded into a rage, throwing things,
slamming doors, even hitting or pushing their wives. They would probably shrug at examples of how our dad has expressed his anger in the
past. But dad has felt bad about these situations and has quickly apologized. Over the years he has gotten much better about not letting
things stir up a spirit of anger in him, but he would be the first to say
he has not completely conquered it.
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For example, one day not too long ago, Dad asked those of us who
were working inside to clean the house before company arrived while
he and a few of the other kids cleaned up outside. When he came in
an hour or so later, the house was still a mess—and may have even
looked worse than when Dad and the others went outside. The Duggars in charge of cleaning the living room and kitchen and emptying the downstairs trash cans had not done their jobs. Dad walked in
the door, took one look at the house, and said loudly and sternly in
an angry tone, “Guys, I asked you to clean this place up more than an
hour ago, and look at it: it looks like a tornado has hit!”
Were those children (who shall remain nameless) wrong when
they didn’t do what Dad asked? Yes. Did they get in trouble for not
carrying out their responsibilities? Yes.
But at the same time, Dad knew he had reacted with an attitude
of anger, and that wasn’t the behavior he wanted his children to imitate.
Later that evening he called all of us kids together to apologize.
He said, “The situation wasn’t as important as my wrong response.
I reacted with anger, and I want to ask you all, Will you please forgive me?”
Did that make Dad look weak? Absolutely not! One lesson we
Duggars are emphatically taught is that humility is not weakness. In
fact, it can be just the opposite. It takes a strong man to recognize
his own faults and apologize to his wife and children for them. Dad’s
humility—not only that day but every day—causes us to respect and
admire him even more.
Dad’s example to make things right has encouraged us to examine
our own reactions to others and to take action when we need to admit
we have done something wrong.
Mom, on the other hand, has a rather unique way of handling
anger—even though she rarely gets angry. But when she does, she lowers her voice to a gentle whisper. That’s right. No yelling. God con-
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victed her of this early in her parenting as she realized the truth of
Proverbs 15:1, which says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but
grievous words stir up anger.”
When Mom gets upset with one of us, she will take that child
aside, get down to his or her eye level, and in a soft voice, almost whisper her words: “Josie, you may not dump your bowl of cereal on the
table and smear it everywhere!” or “Jordyn, don’t ever climb up on the
outside of the staircase! That is very dangerous. You could fall off and
hurt yourself!”
The long and short of it is, when Mom whispers, most likely someone’s in trouble.
In contrast to Mom’s quiet way of handling anger, I’ve seen the effects of out-of-control anger firsthand. The number-one painful thing
girls talk about at the Journey to the Heart girls retreat—a ministry
I am involved with—and almost always through tears and heartache, is
anger in the home.
Mom is not only our mother but also our role model, teacher, and mentor.
She’s also someone we like to have fun with, including dressing up for a
women’s event that asked everyone to wear a fancy (and funny) hat.
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Anger can cause lifelong damage to anyone, but especially to children. It can break apart families, destroy marriages, kill friendships,
and even end careers. Dad has told us many stories of people who
have gotten angry and lost control of themselves, as well as the consequences that followed. One employee at the grocery store where Dad
used to work got mad at the boss for getting on to him, so he punched
the boss with his fist! As you could guess, that was the end of his job.
Another young man my dad knew got angry with another driver
in a road rage incident. They both ended up stopping at the side of
the road and yelling at each other. One young man got so angry that
he put his car in gear and rammed into the other guy. That day both
young men’s lives changed forever; one died, and the other ended up
going to prison.
We know our parents aren’t perfect—they are the first ones to
admit this. But they have worked hard to teach us biblical principles
and how they play out in our lives, and we are so thankful for the influence they are in our lives!
12/11/13 2:46 PM

Growing Up

Transcription

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