PAST_ISSUES_files/168 June 2015 WEB

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June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 1
4
www.IONAZ.com June 2015
THE ROCK
SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM
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8
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NIGHT FOR LIFE
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T HE BILT MORE
3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012
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www.IONAZ.com
[email protected]
Publisher / FOUNDER
Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ [email protected]
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... [email protected]
Editor
Deon Brown ................................................... [email protected]
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SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere
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National Advertising Representative
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ContributORS:
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Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence
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14
Explore
Arizona
Get out of town!
A
Avenue and you may
notice it even smells
like the ‘70s. No visit
is complete without a
fabulous night at IBT’s.
Check out their new
restaurant two doors
away and they’ll deliver
to you at the bar. Tucson
knows how to party! fter an amazing spring, Valley
dwellers know the inevitable is
coming: Heat. But while many
choose the West Coast as their
escape, cooler weather is right
under our nose here in Arizona. Bisbee
Just three hours from Phoenix
and 90 minutes from Tucson is the
state’s friendliest city: Bisbee. This is
a “must-see” destination full of galleries,
restaurants, stores and pubs. Many of you
will be traveling to this old copper town
June 18-21 for Bisbee Pride. I guarantee
that when you visit Bisbee once, you’ll
want to go back. Flagstaff
Explore the cool pine country of Flagstaff,
just two hours north. While it’s a winter
wonderland for half the year, it’s paradise
the other half. This town is full of charm
and character. If you’re visiting for Pride in
the Pines during June 27-28, you owe it
to yourself to go to Arizona Snowbowl and
ride the chairlift to the top where you will
get a 360º view of northern Arizona. Sedona
Voted one of the top ten “Most Beautiful
Place in America” by USA Weekend. One
visit and you’ll know why. Red mountains
stand in the middle of groves of lush, green
trees. Sedona boasts a quaint downtown
with galleries galore. While Sedona/Verde
Valley Pride isn’t until September, visit now
to explore all Sedona has to offer. Scottsdale
Yes, some of you Phoenicians need to
leave your comfort zone and travel all the
way to Scottsdale. There’s a lot to do and
see from all the shops and galleries and
restaurants in Old Town to the shopping
experience at Fashion Square. Come stay
for the weekend at Gay Days AZ and don’t
miss ION’s Summer Splash Bash Monsoon
Party on Sunday June 21. Sunday presale tickets half off now or free with a room
reservation. Go to GayDaysAZ.com The AZ Terrain
Between all of these unique Arizona towns
are thousands of acres of trails, rivers,
lakes and mountains. No other group
knows how to explore the back trails
of Arizona like the Cactus 4 Wheelers.
They’re always looking for new passengers
and trucks. You’ll see Arizona in a new
light. Check out their Facebook page for
some great photos and information. There are a lot of other small cities and
towns in the state. Get out of the heat and
enjoy all this beautiful state has to offer. Tucson
Our sister city to the south reminds me of
what Arizona was like at the turn of the
century and again in the ‘70s. One visit
to Hotel Congress and you’ll feel like you
stepped back in time. Walk down Fourth
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Jack Tesorero
Arizona
Explorer
FITNESS UPDATE!
In 3 weeks I’ve already
lost 15 lbs. Amazing!
2nd year anniversary
STACY’S ON MELROSE
18
20
Bisbee Pride
You’ll be welcomed with open arms in
Bisbee! What better time to go than during Bisbee
Pride? Sherry Vine, Venus deMars, Mink Stole and Pandora
DeStrange with the AZ Gender Outlaws keep the good times
rolling in addition to Bisbee Ghost Tours, an Art Fair, a Lingerie
bar crawl and more starting Thursday, June 18 to Sunday,
June 21. See the ION feature on pp. 66-71 and check out
BisbeePride.com for more information.
Twisted Peacock
Grand Reopening!
Everybody’s back at the Twisted Peacock, struttin’ their tailfeathers!
Join in the fun on Friday, June 26 at 10 p.m. when they’ll be serving
up drink specials. Those sexy Peacock Boys will be spinning on the
brass pole all night. Plus, expect special guest hosts, too!
Don’t forget Mia Adams “Fancy Feathered Follies” every
Sunday night at 8 p.m. 3108 E. McDowell Rd. Check out
TheTwistedPeacockAZ.com (See ads on pp. 6-7)
Miss Gay Arizona
America Pageant
Summer Jam with
Siya at AQUA
The glamour! The glitter! It’s here! You won’t want to miss the
excitement of the Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant, celebrating
30 years of excellence. The competition begins Saturday, June
27, 8 p.m. at The Rock with the pageant on Sunday, June 28 at 5
p.m. at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. Start the party at
Kobalt, and after the party head over to Charlie’s to celebrate! Visit
MissGayArizonaAmerica for details.
It’s summertime! Time to jam out with your clam out, grrrls! This is
the biggest hip-hop party of the season! Don’t miss it! Meet Siya,
part the next generation of female hip-hop artists and breakout
star of the series “Sisterhood of Hip-Hop” as seen on the Oxygen
network. Get down on Friday, June 19 for the Siya plus VIP, meet ‘n’
greet & bottle service available at AQUA Nightclub, 1738 E. McDowell
Rd. (See ad p. 19)
Gay Days AZ &
Summer Splash Bash
It’s time to soak up the Arizona sun and party! You have our
permission! This year Gay Days Arizona heats up the summer
with more parties than ever on Friday and Saturday, June
19 & 20. As a bonus, you won’t want to miss the ION
Arizona Summer Splash Bash with the Sunday Monsoon
Party on June 21. It’s all at the Saguaro Scottsdale, 4000 N.
Drinkwater Blvd. For more info and tickets visit GayDaysAZ.
com or IONAZ.com (See ads on pp. 76 & 77)
June 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS
DATE
Sundays
5
11
11
12
19
18-21
19-20
19-21
20
20
20
26-28
26
27
28
28
Splash ‘n’ Sizzle BBQ Pool Party
FLEX Spas
Phoenix
Dark Cabaret
Palazzo Nightclub
Phoenix
Throwback Thursday
Kobalt
Phoenix
Back to the 80s
Roscoe’s
Phoenix
Red Light Party
The Rock
Phoenix
Summer Jam with SIYA
AQUA
Phoenix
Bisbee Pride
Bisbee
Customer Appreciation Party
Dick’s Cabaret
Phoenix
Gay Days AZ & Summer Splash BashSaguaro Hotel
Scottsdale
Pride Gala
Scottsdale Hilton ResortScottsdale
Skin Tight Beach Party
Karamba
Phoenix
Beach Party
BS West
Scottsdale
Flagstaff Pride
Thorpe Park
Flagstaff
Freaky AZZ Grand Reopening Party Twisted Peacock
Phoenix
Grand Ole Opry
Charlie’s
Phoenix
Pre-Pageant Hangout
Kobalt
Phoenix
Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant Phoenix Theatre
Phoenix
EVENT LOCATION
CITY
3
3
4
4
Carnaval Latino
Bearracuda
Fourth of July Party
Military Party
CLUB DWNTWN
The Rock
Karamba
BS West
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Scottsdale
JULY
22
CELIA PUTTY’S FREAKY FRIDAY
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PLAZMA
Carnaval Latino
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! You won’t want
to miss the greatest show on earth! It’s better than
the circus! It’s Carnaval Latino, hosted by Diamond
Dallas! Dance all night to the best hip-hop, Latin,
pop and dance music! Get a lap dance from one
of the sexy go-go boys! Superstars from RuPaul’s
Drag Race, Roxxxy Andrews and Alyssa Edwards
will be performing live, on Friday, July 3 at
CLUB DWNTWN at 702 N. Central Ave.
JUNE 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS
DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)
Thursday 4
8:00pm
Thursday 25 9:00pm
Saturdy 27
8:00pm
The Rock
Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant Pre-Show
Sunday 28
5:00pm
Phoenix Theatre
Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant
Mondays
7:30pm
Apollo’s
Drag Race Viewing Party with Clayton
Mondays
7:00pm
Kobalt
Drag Race Viewing Party
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men
Mondays 10:00pm The Rock
Barbra Seville’s Drag Race
Tuesday
10:00pm Karamba
Savannah Moussier’s Show
Tuesdays
9:00pm
Stars Choice Talent Showcase
BS West
Wednesdays 9:00pm
IBT’s
Viva La DIVA
Wednesdays 9:00pm
Kobalt
Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi
Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s
Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos
Thursdays
10:30pm Karamba
Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds
Fridays
10:30pn
Fabulous Fridays with Regina Gazelle & Nikki Knowles
Cruisin’ 7th
Fridays
10:30
The Rock
Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
Fridays
9:00pm
Plazma
Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
Fridays
9:00pm
IBT’s
Absolutely Flawless with China Collins
Fridays
9:00pm
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
Fridays
10:00pm OZ
2nd Saturday 9:30pm
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Orpheum Theatre Bianca Del Rio’s Rolodex of Hate
Twisted Peacock Throw Back Thursday with Coco St. James & Celia Putty
Kobalt
Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys
Celia Putty
Saturdays
7pm
OZ Bar
Classy Corona & Go-Go Boys
Saturdays
9:00pm
IBT’s
Starrletts with Janee Star
Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams
Saturdays
10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Saturdays
9:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy’s Patio Show
Sundays
8:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Sundays
10:30pm Karamba
Diamond’s Show
IMPERIAL COURT OF AZ Coronation X
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C ro w ne P laza P hoeni x A irport
Angels
in America
W
The messenger comes.
The great work begins.
hen it made its American debut in
1993, Tony Kushner’s epic play Angels
In America changed theatre. Done in
two parts, Millennium Approaches
(part 1) and Perestroika
(part 2), noted by
many
as the most important play of the 20th
Century, Angels In America is nothing
short of a masterpiece.
Nearly Naked Theatre has taken on
the monumental task of doing both
plays at the same time and performing
them in rep (on alternating nights and
weekends).
Two plays, it follows
the lives of two very
different, but equally
troubled couples as
they navigate their way
through the early years
of the AIDS epidemic
in 1980s New York.
This is not an AIDS
play; it’s a political
play dealing with the
politics of the time,
and how, through
Reaganism and
its reaction
to the crisis,
America very
nearly lost
its soul. What
could save it? A
lone victim of the
disease, who may or
may not be an angelhearing prophet, fights
for his life, his love, and
even his sanity as he
wrestles with his and
America’s demons–
er–angels.
Director Damon
Dering discussed
how he plans to
stage the epic
show. “It’s certainly
challenging,” he
says, “The plays are
telling one story, but
in very different ways.
Kushner says you can do
the play conceptually, finding
ways to do all the ‘stage magic,’
or it can be done very realistically, like
Broadway or the HBO mini-series. The
conceptual way is a lot more fun for actors
and for me, so that’s what we went with.
Kushner says Part 2 should be directed
and acted like a comedy, and let the
gravitas come from the situation, not the
intent. It’s clear why people leave seeing
Angels feeling great, even though the
subject matter
would seem
sad.”
Angels in
America
opens June
6 with Part
One the first
week and Part
Two the second
week. There are three
opportunities to see it all in
one day, by going to matinees
of Part One and evenings of
Part 2 on Saturday, June 13,
Sunday, June 14 and Saturday,
June 20. Be advised that the show
contains strong language, adult
themes and nudity–as well as a
fairly sound bashing of conservative
politics.
For tickets, go to
NearlyNakedTheatre.org.
FIRST KISS (pictured left)
Louis (Mike Largent) gives
repressed Mormon man Joe
(Thomas Hicks) his first gay
kiss, as Joe finally admits
what he has spent a lifetime
denying.
THE PROPHET AWAKENS
(pictured top)
Prior (Drew Swaine, left)
tells Belize (Raheem
De’Angelo) that he believes
he is seeing angels and
visions from Heaven.
MY LIFE NOW (pictured center)
Nurse Emily (Brandi Bigley) examines
Prior (Drew Swaine) as he quickly realizes
that he may never be well again.
LOOK AT ME! (pictured bottom)
Harper (Vickie Hall) confronts her
husband Joe (Thomas Hicks) about his
homosexuality, as both of them fail to see
what’s been right in front of them their
whole marriage.
One Man, Two Guvnors
Picture it. Brighton. 1963. The easily confused Francis
Henshall (starring the brilliant Ron May, artistic director
of Stray Cat Theatre) is separately employed by two
men: a local gangster and an upper class criminal.
Madcap hilarity ensues with mistaken identities,
disguises, assumed identities and chaos in general,
especially when the audience is recruited. Presented
now through June 14 at Phoenix Theatre, 100
E. McDowell Rd. For tickets queue up at
PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-251-2151
Gene Moore
& Maryanne Marttini
Phoenix’s very own stand-up comedians will tickle your
funny bones with their take on everything gay, straight
and always just slightly warped. Catch Gene Moore
in TUCSON: Tuesday, June 2, at 8 p.m. at The
Think Tank, UofA Bear Down Gym, 1428 E.
University. ● GOODYEAR: Saturday, June 6, 8
p.m. “Dry Heat Comedy Show” at Goodyear Park,
3151 N. Litchfield Rd. See Maryanne Marttini
in the “Funniest Person with a Day Job” contest
Tuesday, June 16 at House of Comedy, 5350 High
Street in Phx. AZhouseofcomedy.net
JUNE 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP
DATE EVENTCOMPANY
PHONE
2
Gene Moore
Think Tank - Bear Down Gym, UofA - Tucson
5-6
Adult Puppet Slam
Great AZ Puppet Theatre - Phx 602-262-2050
5-6
Michael McDonald
StandUp Live - Phx
480-719-6100
5-14
Doubt
Mesa Encore Theatre
480-644-6500
6
Dry Heat Comedy Show
Goodyear Park
none
6
Capt. Jack’s Space Attack
Space 55
Space55.org
6-20
Angels in America
Nearly Naked Theatre - Phx
602-254-2151
thru 7
Phantom of the Opera ASU Gammage - Tempe
480-965-3434
thru 14 One Man, Two Guvnors
Phoenix Theatre
602-251-2151
11-14
Michael Ian Black
Tempe Improv
602-921-9877
12-14
John Witherspoon
StandUp Live - Phoenix
480-719-6100
12-27
An Almost Holy Picture
ITheatre Collaborative - Phx
602-307-1071
13-27
7 Minutes in Heaven
Space 55 - Phx
Space55.org
16
Funniest Person with a Day Job House of Comedy - Phx
480-420-3553
thru 21 Disney’s The Little Mermaid AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria
623-776-8400
32
n/a
Active Child
The ethereal, other worldly, countertenor voice of electronic
music artist Pat Grossi who performs the magic behind “Active
Child” will transport you far away. His first album, “You Are All I See”
was a critical success. “Mercy” will be released this month. Catch
him on Thursday, June 4 at Crescent Ballroom 308 N. 2nd Ave. in
Phoenix. Get tickets at TicketFLy.com or
CrescentPHX.com or call 877-435-9849 or
602-716-2222
Salt-N-Pepa
“Ooh baby, baby! Ooh baby, baby!” Cheryl James is
“Salt.” Sandra Denton is “Pepa.” And they’re gonna push
it. Push it good. Push it. Push it real good on Friday,
June 19 at Celebrity Theatre, 440 N. 32nd St. in Phoenix.
For tickets push it real good at CelebrityTheatre.com
or call 602-267-1600. Just the two girls. Looks like DJ
Spinderella couldn’t make it. Sorry!
True Colors: Season Finale
“True Colors” is the last concert of the season for the Phoenix
Metropolitan Men’s Chorus, featuring a 10-piece ensemble & the
Omaggio Youth Chorus. The Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus
explores the diversity and beauty of the LGBT community along with the complexities
surrounding gay and lesbian identity. Hey, it’s a small world after all! See them perform
on Saturday, June 20 at 7 p.m. at the Orpheum Theatre,
203 W. Adams St. For more information visit PhoenixMenChorus.org
JUNE 2015 ION Concert Calendar
DATE
2
3
4
4
5
13
14
18
19 19
20
23
26
27
JULY
1
3
34
ARTIST LOCATION
Gipsy Kings
Comerica Theatre - Phoenix
Gipsy Kings
Rialto Theatre - Tucson
Brad Paisley
Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix
Active Child
Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix
Wynonna Judd
Celebrity Theatre
Aerosmith
Gila River Arena - Glendale
Peter Frampton & Cheap Trick Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale
Tim McGraw
Salt N Pepa
Celebrity Theatre
Tears for Fears
Wild Horse Pass - Chandler
Air Supply
Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler
Vans Warped Tour
Quail Run Park - Mesa
Three Dog Night
Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Masters of Funk
Tucson Music Hall - Tucson
PHONE
800-745-3000
520-740-1000.
800-745-3000
602-716-2222
602-267-1600
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
602-267-1600
877-840-0457
877-840-0457
VansWarpedTour.com
877-840-0457
800-501-9983
Nickelback
Rockstar Energy Mayhem Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
Aural
Fixation
by Peter Lora
[email protected]
Roisin
Murphy
– Hairless Toys
In a way, Roisin
Murphy is the Lady
GaGa that never
happened: an avantgarde approach to dress, an esoteric
approach to electronic music and the
regality of a future pop sovereign. Despite
overwhelming European and underground
U.S. success with her sophomore release,
2007’s Overpowered, Murphy has
remained largely unknown. The unwalked
road of acclaim for Murphy is her greatest
asset. Her new release Hairless Toys, sees
Murphy more innovative than ever.
Even with sometimes indecipherable
contexts and lyrical content, danceability
is always Murphy’s M.O.. “Gone Fishing”
is a track that Murphy says she envisioned
as “almost as a song from a Broadway
musical version of the iconic documentary
Paris is Burning.” With Evil Eyes she
does her best impression of Michael
Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough”
Nearly 10 minutes long, “Exploitation” is
undeniably sexy as Murphy asks, “Who,
who’s exploiting who?” Sparse and simple
at first with its Giorgio Moroder-esque “I
Feel Love” metronomic beat, it gets more
whimsical and intense as it continues.
The payoff is at “House of Glass”- a disco
declaration where Murphy champions the
disenfranchised with, “People like us from
broken homes never throw stones, leave
us alone”. Available Now
Conchita
Wurst – Conchita
Over a year ago,
Conchita Wurst won
the the Eurovision
song contest with her
inspirational ballad “Rise
Like a Phoenix.” Instantly Europe was ablaze
with her on-stage persona; full drag and a
neatly trimmed beard. Instead of releasing
an album hot on the heels of her win, Wurst
has taken the year to create Conchita, an
eponymous debut album of entirely original
material.
Conchita’s Eurovision winning song, “Rise
Like a Phoenix” is pure James Bond; the
virtuosic song feels like Adele’s “Skyfall” and
by the end it’s Shirley Bassey’s “Goldfinger”
with is orchestral flourishes and minor chord
progressions. Ballads‑there are plenty,
with “Pure” and “Heroes.” Most of them
are typical and somewhat boring. It’s not a
failure in delivery because Wurst is a diva
in every sense of the word. Her range and
vocal ability rivals all of the pseudo-classical
crooners Groban, Church, Bocelli and a
sometimes bored Celine.
Mid-album Conchita evokes Sarah
Brightman’s Middle Eastern harem-style
music with “Out of Body Experience” and
“Colours of Your Love,” The hit of the album,
going from a typical ballad to a better version
of RiRi’s “Where Have You Been?” with
its Eastern inspired dance breakdown and
innovative vocal effects.
Available Now
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD
ARTIST - “SONG”
Janelle Monae – “Yoga”
Taylor Swift – “Bad Blood” fT. Kendrick Lamar
AlunaGeorge – “You Know You Like It”
Florence + the Machine – “Delilah”
BORNS – “Electric Love”
36
ARTIST - “SONG”
Tame Impala – “Eventually”
Tanlines – “Pieces”
Gigamesh – “The Music”
My Brightest Diamond – “Say What”
Britney Spears – “Pretty Girls” feat. Iggy Azalea
pookie’s 20th anniversary
ROSCOES
[email protected]
Brit Wits
[email protected]
Mortdecai
(2015)
Starring: Johnny
Depp, Gwyneth
Paltrow, Paul Bettany,
Ewan MacGregor
This box office disaster
reaped $10 million in theaters
worldwide while the budget was $60
million, earning it the distinction of
being in the “Top 20 All-Time Worst
Openings.” They better sell a lot of
DVDs to make up the difference.
I really wanted to hate Mortdecai–
but I honestly didn’t. Despite a
few shortcomings, it’s perfectly
entertaining. Isn’t that really what it’s
all about, Alfie?
Available now on DVD, $19.98
MSRP, + NetFlix, Redbox, iTunes
★★★☆☆
Hello, Ladies
(20132014)
Starring: Steven Merchant,
Christine Woods, Nate Torrence,
Kevin Weisman
There’s a Stuart Pritchard
in everybody’s life: the
frenemy you just can’t shake.
Lonelyheart web designer
Pritchard moved from England to
El Lay for one reason only: to pick
up chicks. Lots of them. His gawky,
awkwardness and downright obnoxious
The plot: Fey British
personality make him his own worst enemy.
aristocrat and effete upper-crust grifter
Well, and everybody else’s. His posse
Charlie Mortdecai (Depp) owes Her Majesty
includes the pudgy, needy, Wade (Torrence)
a lot of money. To repay the debt, his art
and the lecherous, wheelchair-bound Kives
expertise is enlisted to retrieve a stolen
(Weisman), who’s physical challenges don’t
masterpiece containing the code to a Swiss
prevent him from getting plenty of poontang.
bank account filled with Nazi plunder.
Jessica Vanderhoff (Woods), a struggling
actress, rents a room from Stuart. Single
The picture is reminiscent of the screwball
life, fitting in and crushing loneliness are laid
comedies of the 1930s and recalls Blake
bare.
Edwards’ legendary Pink Panther comedies
(without the guileless charm of Peter
For all of gawky Stuart’s shortcomings, he
Sellers’ bumbling Clouseau), a little Austin
always comes through in the end for his
Powers and a dash of the board game
friends‑and himself‑as a truly decent person.
“Clue.” It just tries a little too hard. Depp’s
Until he screws everything up all over again.
chameleon-like characterization seem like
Like trying to pick up girls in a gay bar.
a plea for attention. Still, his Chaplin-esque
physical comedy & grace (see him in Benny
The complete, 3-disc, eight-episode HBO
and Joon, 1993) truly shines.
series includes the movie finale, sewing
everything up.
Suspending all that film critique claptrap,
Mortdecai is an amusing comedy, especially
Available now on DVD, $29.98 MSRP
the scenes pairing Depp and Bettany. Bony
Paltrow’s role reads as an afterthought.
Based on a series of
mystery novels, Depp
lobbied to make the film.
Who exactly the studio
thought the audience would
be is anybody’s guess.
38
★★★★☆
Summer
Cinema
[email protected]
The studios are
popping out summer
blockbusters faster than
Branjelina can adopt. This
month we get the first crop
of summer featuring
the irritating
bromosexuals from
HBO’s long gone
Entourage. (Too
late?) Dinosaurs
have a taste for
teens and Chris
Pratt is hotter than
ever. Eden was a
Sundance favorite.
Magic Mike XXL promises
flesh for fantasy. Let’s just hope
it’s more interesting than the
first one. But do you really
care? C’mon!
Entourage
Starring: Adrien Grenier,
Jeremy Piven, Billy Bob
Thornton
Catch up with dreamy movie star
Vincent Chase, (Grenier, “Drive Me Crazy”)
and his coattail-riding gang of obnoxious,
loser, fuck-ups from Queens who he
calls “friends.” His agent, the monstrous
egomaniac Ari Gold (the brilliant Piven,
Mr. Selfridge) bankrolls Chase’s debut as
a director. The popular HBO series ended
in 2010; does anybody even still care who
these people are anymore? 30 cameo
appearances, including George Takei.
Opens June 3
Jurassic World
Starring: Chris Pratt, Judy Greer
Since the scaly, cold-blooded, pre-historic
wonderworld Jurassic Park opened 22
years ago, things have been going downhill
with declining visitors. Guess what? A new
Sea World-esque attraction opens to attract
40
the public! It’s no surprise
when things go wrong.
Terribly, terribly wrong.
Lesson learned: don’t make
fun of a dinosaur with tiny
arms.
Opens June 12
Eden
Starring: a bunch of French people
Circuit queens and fans of EDM will
appreciate this thoughtful, critically
acclaimed film of the French electronic
music scene of the 1990s. Paul, a
teenager, and his friends dive into la vie
Parisienne of screwy house parties, raves
and underground clubs with sex, drugs
and lots of “thumpa-thumpa” music
featuring Daft Punk’s Guy-Manuel
de Homem-Christo and Thomas
Bangalter.
Opens June 19
Magic Mike XXL
Starring: Channing Tatum,
Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello,
Elizabeth Banks
Get ready for theaters filled with sexually
frustrated women in their 50s, and lots
of tittering gay men. The bump ‘n’ grind
sensations, the Kings of Tampa, decide to
retire their Chippendale collars ‘n’ cuffs. But
wait! Not before one final lap dance: at a
male stripper convention in Myrtle Beach,
South Carolina. High Point: Big Dick
Richie (Magnaniello,
True Blood) humps a
Pepsi machine in a
convenience
store.
Opens
July 1
42
www.IONAZ.com June
June2015
2015
Squid Ink
Sushi at CityScape
P
erhaps no cuisine offered here in
America is quite as polarizing for the
general United States public in large as
sushi. Well, that and pickled pigs feet.
Some people love it; there’s others who
hate it. On occasion you can find some
common meeting ground. Not always, but
sometimes.
Sushi has an extremely long, venerable
history from Japan, obviously. In general,
the contemporary, internationally
recognized version of what we know as
sushi today was created by Hanaya Yohei
at the end of the Edo period, around the
mid-19th century. So not all that long ago.
Of course, there’s all kinds of sub-genres
that experts recognize: Chirashizushi,
Inarizushi, Makizushi, Narezushi and on
and on. But what we generally think of
sushi is cooked vinegared rice, combined
with seafood (often raw, sometimes
cooked) and vegetables. Specialty sushi
has also been created especially to appeal
to the Western palate. Because, believe
me, if you don’t like pickled pig’s feet
here in America, there’s some hardcore
specialty dishes that’ll send you
running.
airy spaciousness with a modern sensibility.
No, you won’t hear the irritating “plink, plink,
plink” of the Japanese shamisen guitar/
banjo-thing, but perhaps a DJ laying down
some hot tracks. The servers, bartenders
and staff are friendly, knowledgeable and
willing to help you navigate the Hokusai-like
Japanese waters of sushi. And ramen. And
rice bowls. We chose the sushi route, opting
for the not-so-traditional House Rolls, with
over 15 different ones to choose from, a twist
in each one’s preparation.
Our favorite: Tahoe – the soft-shell crab,
avocado, spicy crab, sweet masago and eel
sauces, topped with crushed macadamia
nuts made this a standout, especially texturewise.
Dirty Rockstar: this roll features spicy tuna
plus bigeye tuna, combined with avocado, a
bit of habanero chili, fresh jalapeño, sweet
chili sauce and spicy aioli. The chili isn’t
overwhelming, adding an unexpected piquant
boost to the roll.
Fortunately, the locally
owned, hip, trendy
Squid Ink Sushi Bar
operates three
locations in
the Valley:
Scottsdale,
Peoria,
and in
downtown Phoenix
at CityScape, where
we visited. At Squid Ink,
the brainchild of local chef
Schuyler Estes, each venue has it’s
own vibe and flair, but you can expect
44
Flying
Phoenix: If the
“floppy” nature
that can accompany
sushi is an issue for you,
you’ll like this, with shrimp
tempura, spicy crab, avocado, firm
tuna tataki and a black pepper sauce.
Seafood Dynamite: Such a
disappointment. On paper it sounded
good–spicy crab, cucumber, bigeye tuna,
salmon, yellowtail, broiled scallops with
eel sauce and lemon zest. The scallops
proved tough
and the whole
roll just seemed
hard and lacking in
the delicate elements
that should be in all
sushi. A real “miss.”
The House Rolls are $14 on
the average. The traditional
sushi rolls range from $7 to $13.
You get about eight to ten pieces
per roll. Squid Ink also offers New
Style Sashimi and assorted sushi and
sashimi platters–chef’s choice.
Based on a couple of enthusiastic
recommendations and feeling adventurous,
we tried Squid Ink’s Duck Confit,
traditionally a French classic. They offer
a slow cooked leg and thigh of duck,
wherein all the fat is rendered–perfect–and
cracklins, (always a plus), pickled veggies,
scallions and rice for a Japanese flair. Still,
all-in-all, the dish seemed misplaced here
at Squid Ink, and left us flat, especially with
the $12 price tag.
A variety of contemporary Asian fusion
dishes populate the menu, including
Yakitori, soups and salads. Squid ink also
has lunch specials from 11 a.m.-2 p.m.,
with reduced rice bowls, lunch and sashimi
platters, as well as Happy Hour pricing in
select sushi. Fortunately, several dishes will
appeal to those who adamantly refuse to
eat sushi, and even classics like the always
pricey Filet Mignon for $23.
Of course, Squid Ink has a traditional bar,
but additionally they have a clever menu
with Signature Cocktails with names like
“Tune In Tokyo” and “Shiso Happens”
that are fun to try. They also offer several
different Sake Flights that are sure to
complement your Asian adventure. Happy
Hour is daily from 3 - 7 p.m. for select
cocktails, wines and beers.
Downtown Phoenix isn’t downtown Tokyo,
but it’s delightful to sit at the misted bar
outdoors at Squid Ink while you enjoy some
cocktails and have a cool summer meal of
sushi while you watch the world go by as
our downtown scene grows. A big plus is
that you don’t have to worry about Godzilla
attacking the city, either.
Central Ave. & Jefferson in CityScape
602-258-0510
SquidInkSushi.com
50
ION Weddings
The perfect wedding starts here!
chocolate fountain
A Time for Chocolate (602) 628-0390
ATimeForChocolate.com
event planning
Events by Danielle (602) 405-6832
Florists
PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999
7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix
Gift registries
Macy’s Biltmore (602) 468-2100
2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix
MACY’S FASHION SQ.
(480) 840-0333
7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale
Jewelers
Cornelis Hollander (480) 423-5000
4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale
DIAMOND JIM’S
6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772
10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City(602) 977-2299
hotel
Wyndham Garden Inn (602) 604-4906
3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix
photographers
Scotty Kirby ScottyKirby.com
(480) 369-4529
Fernando Hernandez(602) 622-4792
NightFuse.com
Franklin Diaz (602) 214-4019
photo booths
Crazy Shotz
CrazyShotz.com
(602) 487-7066
NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH(480) 766-0349
NoFussPhotoBooths.com
Officiants
Kevin Bushaw
(602) 369-6680
Richard Stevens
(602) 486-6996
tuxedos
Rose Tuxedo
(602) 957-0089
4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix,
To have your business listed here, call
Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164
52
54
Photography by Scotty Kirby
Direction & Art by Kevin Bushaw
Text by Deon Brown.
Models Mark Surabian &
Tanner Cordell are joined by
Dante, of the
Wild Men of the West.
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Stay hydrated with a Camelbak!
Tank & Plaid Shirt available
at Macy’s Biltmore.
58
Flagstaff Pride
Party with the LGBT Lumberjacks at Thorpe
Park, in Flagstaff, June 26-28. Entertainment by
Kristine W, Neon Hitch and party at Collins Irish Pub with
RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Manila Luzon performing with Aimee V.
Justice. Don’t miss the Afterhours Dance Party and Sunday Brunch at
Monsoon. For more info & tix go to FlagstaffPride.org
Monsoon A Pan-Asian gem of a restaurant in downtown Flagstaff, this place
is a favorite of both locals and tourists alike. Great sushi, and a
wide selection of noodles, stir-fry, and other dishes makes Monsoon
perfect for everyone. Monsoon is a sponsor of Flagstaff Pride.
6 E. Aspen Ave. #100 Flagstaff, AZ 928-226-8844
Reach New Heights at Snowbowl!
Snowbowl? In the summer? Sure! Leave the skis at home & come enjoy
the scenic Chairlift Ride and enjoy the panoramic view of the majestic
San Francisco Peaks. Stay at the Ski Lift Lodge & Cabins. Summer
specials available for lodging and chairlift passes.
9300 N. Snowbowl Rd. 928-779-1951 x 109. Visit
ArizonaSnowbowl.com for more information.
WHYLD ASS
Discover the WHYLD ASS coffee/tea house and eatery. Get
your morning jolt of java from the rootin’-tootin’ lovable Ryan
while Keith rustles up some fine vegan and vegetarian vittles
and pastries for breakfast, lunch and dinner. 100% organic,
plant based, GMO free, and made from scratch with extra
100% genuine, pure love. Probably the best place on Earth.
101 San Francisco St. 928-774-3523 WHYLDASS.com
60
Before you get to the Old Pueblo,
don’t forget to feed the Lorikeets and
the Ostriches at Rooster Cogburn Ostrich
Ranch near Picacho Peak. Corny? Yes. So worth it!
The great outdoors aren’t far from anywhere in
Tucson. Hike through the majestic Sabino and Bear
Canyon trails in the Coronado National Forest in the
Santa Catalina Mountains. Consider a hike or 4-wheeling
it through Reddington Pass. (We hear there are freshwater
pools where nudists unofficially hang out. You didn’t hear it
from us.) Cool down on a day trip to Mt. Lemmon. The tiny town
of Summerhaven has cabins to rent for a romantic getaway.
Venture further afield and visit the Pima Air & Space Museum and
the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum. Check out the heavens; one
hour away is the world famous Kitt Peak National Observatory.
The streetcars make Tucson a snap. Explore Wildcat Country at the University, then
check out the funky shops along Fourth Avenue, through downtown and over to the
Mercado San Agustín’s public market, bodegas and more.
There’s nightlife fun to be had at IBT’s with frequent guest stars and
drag shows. Feeling a little hipster? There’s often some great bands
at the Rialto Theatre. Across the street you can check out the cool
grooves and dance scene at Club Congress. Be sure to schedule for
RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Tempest DuJour’s hilarious “Retro
Game Show Night” once a month.
Check out what Tucson has to offer at VisitTucson.org
62
American Flag Tank, and Navy Shorts available at
Macy’s Biltmore. Grey Tank and Shorts model’s own.
IONBISBEE
IONTUCSON
64
66
Screaming Banshee
Nik will greet you with one of her trademark hugs and a hearty
“Welcome home!” when you walk into this popular café featuring
pizza, pasta, salad and a stellar bar. Partners Carrie and Nik say,
“Put it in your mouth. You know you want it!” Heck, yeah!
200 Tombstone Canyon Rd. 520-432-1300
ScreamingBansheePizza.com
This Old Copper Town is a Gold
Mine! Funky, freaky and fabulous! Bisbee!
“Mayberry on Acid.”
Bisbee’s Pride is Beyond Cool
The spirit of the Wild West lives in Bisbee, Arizona! They
pioneered the way as the first town in Arizona to perform legal same-sex civil unions. How things
have changed!
Come to Bisbee Pride, June 18-21.
Here’s a just a few highlights:
Party in your panties! There’s a Lingerie Pub Crawl on Thursday, June
18. Meet at Screaming Banshee at
6 p.m.
Shop! Shop! Shop!
Visit art galleries, gift shops and acres of antiques and collectibles.
Start your treasure hunt at On Consignment. Get extraordinary art
at Acacia Art & Antiques on Main Street. Snoop around Finders
Keepers on Main Street and say, “Howdy” to Kathy Sowden and
Deborah Grier, who help make
Bisbee Pride happen.
Bisbee Bicycle Co.
Explore Bisbee by bicycle! The Bisbee Bicycle
Company rents an electric assist bike with an extra “boost”
to help you navigate the winding roads of this hilly town.
You’ll love it! You can buy one of these beauties, too!
29 Main St., Bisbee. Call 520-366-2105
Filthy film director John Waters’ film
star Mink Stole takes the stage on
Friday, June 19 at the Old City Park
hosted by Empress Olivia Gardens performing with Phoenix’s Pandora DeStrange
and the Arizona Gender Outlaws. Venus DeMars
parties from 11 p.m.-1 a.m. at The Quarry. On June 20 you’ll find out that “Pride is Divine!” in the amphitheater at the Old City Park near Brewery Gulch at 8 p.m. The fabulous Sherry Vine will keep you in stitches! Don’t miss Pandora
DeStrange and her TransGlam band, The Flaming Queens.
On Sunday, June 20 don’t miss the Artisan & Street Fair and
Beer Garden and live performances at Grassy Park. Have
fun at the Copper Queen Pool Party & BBQ.
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70
The soaring red rocks of Sedona are often backdrops for some of
Hollywood’s great Westerns. Some believe they house a heliport for visiting
aliens. No kidding. It’s also a haven for New Age enthusiasts.
Still, the beauty of Chimney Pot, Capitol Butte, Bell, Red
and Coffee Pot Rocks and other magical places like
Boynton Canyon will amaze and astound you. The
Pink Jeep Tours are legendary–and fun! Explore Oak
Creek Canyon and don’t miss Slide Rock.
Tlaquepaque Arts & Crafts Village is touristy, but,
hey–aren’t you a tourist?
Check out Sedona.net for accommodations and ideas,
hikes, maps and more. Tell the aliens that ION sent you.
72
Apolis Shorts, Zaberobe
Tank & Chambray Shorts
available at HUB Clothing.
Dsquared Tank and Tom Ford
sunglasses Models own.
If you’re looking for a city loaded with
“Best of” and “Most” awards, it’s hard to
beat Scottsdale. Food & Wine magazine
included it on a list of “America’s Healthiest Cities to Visit.” It’s also a Top 10 Spring
Break destination and Livability.com names
it one of the “Top 100 Places to Live” and
“Top 10 Most Romantic Cities” in America.
The list goes on. Just check “The Dirty” for all
the really good shit.
You’ll find hiking
and biking trails,
golf courses, glam
resorts, spring training for baseball, and
world class restaurants and nightclubs
and fab shopping.
Thursday nights stroll
through the Main Street
galleries during Art Walk. Enjoy a
South Pacific inspired lunch or dinner at Hula’s in
the heart of Old Town. And no visit would be complete without a beverage at the legendary BS West.
Take advantage of the lush life during Gay Days
Arizona, June 19-21 at the hip Saguaro Hotel. Go to
GayDaysAZ.com . We’ll see you there!
74
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78
Models Mark Surabian &
Tanner Cordell are joined by
Dante, of the
Wild Men of the West.
Photography by Scotty Kirby
Direction & Art by Kevin Bushaw
Text by Deon Brown.
HUB Clothing
5213 N Central Ave, Phoenix.
602-277-4822
Macy’s Biltmore
2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix
602-468-2100
Clothing provided by
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82
JUNE 2015
Vol. 9, Issue 3
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
TragiCon Tour
a
Big
Flop
OUTRAGEOUS!
WICHITA – TragiCon is a newly created
A paltry turnout of roughly five costumed selfnon-profit, educational corporation creating
styled “Bitter Buffs” and around six depressed
an awareness of tragic theatre, poetry,
Goth teens were not enough to ensure the
novels, or historical events through the
success of the confab.
presentation of conventions and events
celebrating the contribution of tragedy and
“One guy was dressed up like Shakespeare’s
misery as an art form. Convention halls
Hamlet, another was supposed to be the Great
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO
THE
IS TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
across
the nation are slated to
stage
the TRUTH
Gatsby,
there was a very sad
Mary Todd
massive event, similar to the popular Comic- Lincoln and some girl came as the tragic
Con International, which attracts video
Regina George from Mean Girls,” said an
gaming enthusiasts, superhero and nerdy
event coordinator. “I guess we’re gonna have
“Doctor Who” fans in general.
to call off our Edgar Allen Poe Look-a-Like
Contest and the Oedipus Pie Eating Contest.”
“We thought we could capitalize on the
popularity of themed conventions, like
Organizers are planning an Area 51 UFO
Comic-Con and Monster-Con, except
Camping Weekend & Alien Costume Contest
highlighting some of the great tragic figures
in New Mexico next year to offset TragiCon
of the arts and history,” said one anonymous expenses.
inside source. “Boy, were we wrong.”
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
84
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
May 2012 www.IONAZ.com
85
OUTRAGEOUS!
Ireland’s Gay
Leprechauns First to Wed
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
DUBLIN – Same sex marriage was
Registrar Seamus O’Donoghue, said, “Well,
overwhelmingly approved in a voter’s
this certainly is a first for the Emerald Isle!”
referendum with over 60% approval.
For the reception the merry couple served a
Ireland is the first nation to legalize same
lovely corned beef with cabbage, a hearty Irish
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO
THE TRUTH
IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
sex marriage
as mandated by
a country’s
stew, lots of potatoes and then everyone got
registered voters.
stinking drunk.
ANY
RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH
IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
Surprisingly, the first couple to marry
The ceremony was performed and
Civil Registration Service Office in
County Tipperary were a pair of wee, gay
leprechauns living in an enchanted forest
in a tastefully decorated tree stump with
a lovely view of the local shire. Natural
mischief-makers and hair stylists in their
spare time, the pair have saved a tidy
pot of gold.
O’Donoghue pronounced the two married,
adding, “Ladies and gentlemen, I now present
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald!”
“I can’t wait to take his Lucky Charms
tonight!” said the happy couple.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Check
Yourself
After
Dear Miss Tiger,
T
here’s one type of bitch that I don’t
have time for ... and that’s a bitch who
can’t hold their alcohol! Why do these
fools spend good money guzzling down
everything they can get their hands on, only
to ‘roman shower’ all over our lives and
our dress shoes? This month’s Favorite
Bitch is all about alcoholics on the verge
of a nervous breakdown!
Dear Miss Tiger,
the spread
in MARICOPA
COUNTY
— Pebbles
When my ex-girlfriend has been drinking,
she blows my phone up with texts and
begs me to get back together with her. Any
advice?
Visit STDAZ.com
And the month after that you’ll writing and
asking what to do after fucking your best
friend’s boyfriend. I have one thing to
say ... NEXT!
— Jordan
Dear Miss Tiger,
90
Dear And Next Month You’ll Be Asking
What To Do About Getting The Crabs,
Dear Miss Tiger,
The only help that I have comes in the form
of a taxi cab. Use one to take yo’ ass to
Alcoholics Anonymous ... and then to the
goddamn proctologist for some stitches!
June 10th & 24th
5pm-6:30pm
1645 E. Roosevelt St.
Phoenix, AZ
— Paul
I get drunk and can’t remember the names
of the dudes that fucked me. I even got
double penetrated and don’t remember half
of it. I’m ashamed and need your help!
Dear Stretched Like A Rubber Band,
FREE TESTING
I get wasted and show out all over the
club. Should I be worried or is it just a part
of being young, gay and fabulous?
— Beth
Dear At Least She’s Wrecking Your
Phone And Not Her Ford Explorer You’re
Still Paying For,
I have advice ... it’s called change your
fuckin’ number.
Better yet, say farewell with a bottle of
rubbing alcohol. She can use it to cleanse
her wounded heart or ... she can drink the
son-of-a-bitch!
I was drunk and threw up on my friend’s
cat. I offered to pay for the grooming but
she stopped talking to me!
Dear Fruity Pebbles,
I’d be over you, too! With all that toxic shit
in your drunken system, I guarantee you
used up one of the kitty’s 9 lives.
Let this be a lesson that a girlfriend will
be there to hold your hair back while you
puke in the toilet ... but goddamn it, do not
fuck with her pussycat!
Wanna talk to me LIVE about this kind of
bullshit and more? Then join me June
15th on Derek and Romaine • SiriusXM
OutQ 106 at 7pm MT! Visit my website
for more information on columns and
upcoming radio appearances.
MISS TIGER
Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio
personality ... and everyone’s
#FAVORITEBITCH
Website FavoriteBitch.com
Facebook /MissTiger
Advice [email protected]
by Sean Kapera
@ Synergistic Studios
SynergisticStudios.com
92
FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios
Josh Corona
Personal Trainer
Phoenix, AZ
by Addison DeWitt
when muchachos and
muchachas did their
best with beloved dip.
Equality Arizona
volunteers and
possibly the cutest
boyfriends in the
whole, wide world,
A Brad DeBiase & Blaise
Caudill (C) prepared a
salsa with chiles, tomatoes,
onions and seasonings–all in
equal parts, of course. Edward
Castro, “El Rey
de las Reinas,”
brought an old
family salsa
recipe to the
table. (D)
I’m boy crazy! Everybody knows
that! But did you know I’m “Foye
Crazy,” too? I’m simply mad
about the Foye! Tim Foye, that
is. (A) The blondacious boy
about town
makes me
weak in the
jaw–I mean,
“knees”–
whenever
I see my
dear little
nippletastic
Foye Toy at
B
Stacy’s @
Melrose. Oh,
blondie, blondie!
Drop your laundry!
There’s no other man I’d
rather be stranded on
a desert island with.
Foye ahoy!
Speaking of Stacy
Louis, he’s never
“two-faced.” (B)
He just celebrated
his club’s second
anniversary of serving
up millions of martoonies, memories
and fun, fun, fun! Stacy had
a très fancy VIP party
to commemorate the
milestone. Sending you
kisses galore, precious!
It was a “¡muy caliente!”
Cinco de Mayo at
Karamba when
Señorita Barbra
de la Seville
hosted her annual
Salsa Challenge.
It was a gustatory
tastebud stand-off
94
F
C
D
E
That juicy
little Georgia
peach
masquerading
as a hot tamale,
MiShal MiShal
brought a little extra
fire ‘n’ falsies from South
of Border (and maybe
north of her garter!) to the
event. (E) The only thing
missing were mariachis.
Thank goodness. ¡Tostitos
y besitos por todos! ¡Olé,
queridos! And throw in a
margarita or two while you’re
at it.
Crime doesn’t pay, dearies! From
the files of “Phoenix Police
Department C.S.I. (Cocktail Scene
Investigation): Twink Division.”
The scrummy Christian Milano
(F) experienced police drama
in real life. Here’s The Reader’s
Digest Condensed Version: It was
a balmy night when Milano’s car was
broken into and
his iPad was
stolen! Hearing
the clamor
of shattering
glass, Milano,
wearing a
fetching Michael
G
Kors ensemble,
acted toute de
suite: he touched
up his lipstick, fixed his
pompadour, poured himself a stiff
drink, looked up the number for 911
calling the po-po who tracked down
the purloined iPad via GPS and caught
the bandit while Christian followed in an
Uber in hot pursuit! I was on the edge of
my bidet as I watched this riveting
drama reported on the local news
while Milano related the story,
sounding kinda very nearly
almost butch. Almost. Christian
must’ve had some mighty
incriminating selfies downloaded
I
for this kind of police emergency.
Congrats, sugar!
96
We’re excited about the new seasoning
of Barbra Seville’s Drag Race now
available at The Rock on Monday nights.
Watch eager queens duke it out for for
valuable prizes. My eyes are on the
hirsute, genderbending giant Jolene
Cuisine, (G) a genuine bearded
‘n’ brawny boy Barbie! You can’t
miss the glamour from the front ...
nor from behind (H). Frankly,
I couldn’t tell if the bigboned gal was coming
or going! Fetch me
some Brylcreem and
a good rat-tail comb,,
won’t you?
Finally, as a Public
Service Announcement:
H
please don’t drink and
drive. We recommend
calling an Ultra Beneficial Expert
Rideshare service for a
chauffeured trip home. One
advocate of the advantages
of this service is our precious,
beautiful Cozette Phifer. (I)
Just ask Cozi why this is such
a good idea. I’ll leave it at that.
You’ll never drive anywhere
again. Drunk or sober.
S
aturn climbs high in the night sky all
month long, displaying its gorgeous rings.
Speaking of rings, you might expect Juno, the
ancient goddess of marriage, to inspire someone to offer you a ring to seal the deal. Single?
Long days give you plenty of time to celebrate
Gay Pride Month. The Summer Solstice happens exactly on Sunday, June 21 at 9:39 a.m.
in Arizona. Where will you be? Celebrate the
Equality of Day and Night. Hopefully the U.S.
Supreme Court will honor Marriage Equality
this month, too.
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
Because you have this carefree charm and
effortless ease with others, you also have a
talent for extracting information from others.
Like a spy. Make sure you keep these
confidences to yourself. Use them to build
memories.
Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
You’re all justice, balance, harmony and
freak out when things are out of whack. The
Hopi call this “Koyaanisqatsi” or “Life out of
balance.” Do you speak Hopi? We didn’t think
so. You are someone’s champion.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
It’s important for you to have “alone time.”
Sometimes it’s because you’re moody or, well,
“crabby” and need to retreat. Research pays
off. Loyal friends reward you for this discovery
on your birthday. Act surprised (even though
you’re not.)
Somehow you manage to accomplish goals
and challenges in highly unorthodox ways
bordering on zany and just plain weird.
But that’s just the way you are. An unusual
proposition comes your way that’s perfect for
you.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
You’re naturally strong-willed, driven and
Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23
impetuous. You’re willing to trample over
everything–even elderly people, cute woodland Something is making you argumentative,
contrary, and let’s face it: a little bit bitchy.
creatures and small children–just to get your
Scorps see everything as a healthy challenge,
way. Slow down. Nothing’s that urgent.
however. Your capability for control and
Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20
confidence straightens out a mess.
You’re strength and stamina makes you
Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23
everyone’s favorite astrological and spiritual
Your philosophical nature helps you focus and
beast of burden. You’re understanding;
examine a variety of situations surrounding
everybody looks to have you in their corner.
you. Practice patience with others because
Learn how to say, “No.” And, “Moo.” Because
your demands for quick results just pisses
you’re a bull. Get it?
people off.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20
We can never totally predict you in any given
Stability and order mean a lot to you. A
situation. Because of your flexibility? Your
Cappie’s practical ability to organize everything
adaptable nature? Or because of you’re
systematically makes you good to have around
slightly schizophrenic nature? You always
when someone needs help moving. But who
drive a hard bargain, but it pays off if it’s your
wants to help someone move in the summer?
birthday.
You have a way of cutting through to the meat
of the matter, partly because of your naturally
carnivorous nature. (Even if you’re vegetarian.
You can’t escape it.) You bare your teeth and
your claws getting shizzle done this month.
98
An important “Cause” attracts your attention.
Your devotion and dedication is admirable, but
are you gullible? Put your foot down, because
nobody takes advantage of you. Well, not
usually. A prize comes your way.

PAST_ISSUES_files/168 June 2015 WEB

Transcription

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