perusal pack - The Central New York Playhouse

Transcription

- PERUSAL PACK -
SPAM® is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC
Book and Lyrics by ERIC IDLE
Music by JOHN DU PREZ & ERIC IDLE
From the original screenplay by
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin
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is strictly prohibited by law.
9/7/12
MONTY PYTHON’S SPAMALOT is Ideal
for Your Theatre—Here’s Why:
Winner of the Tony®Award for
Best Musical and the
Grammy® Award
for BEST MUSICAL Album!
A Proven Box Office King!
“When a show is completely sold out for every performance before its opening
weekend, that’s an instant no-brainer. If you love musical theater, drop what
you’re doing now and make reservations for Musical Theatre West’s production of “Monty Python’s Spamalot.”—Shirle Gottlieb, Long Beach Gazette
Easy to
Produce!
“It really worked in our 75 seat theater! We simplified the set
into one moving castle section, which traveled the stage to
accommodate the scenic needs.” —Joe Zingo, ACE, Eugene, OR
Perfect for
ANY
Theatre!
SPAMALOT enjoys huge success with High Schools and
Community Theatres! Team TRW has made optional
APPROVED CHANGES to the script allowing your audience,
performers and school board to rest assured this show fits
your needs.
Flexible
Casting!
Besides THE LADY OF THE LAKE, her LAKER GIRLS, and
the five chorus/ensemble numbers that already involve
female cast members, you can cast many different roles
with women that were originally played by men in the
Broadway production.
ALL authorized SPAMALOT artwork is provided with your
Available
license. PLUS, included with our Enhanced Logo Pack
Production
Production CD you can get the VOICE and VIDEO of
Enhancement Monty Python’s ERIC IDLE playing the role of GOD,
Tools!
which you may easily use in your production, making him
an official cast member!
®
GO!
ShowGO
Essential Production Tools from TRW
State of the Art Rehearsal Accompaniment with
Customizable rehearsal
tracks for your entire cast
to share on Mac, PC, or iOS
devices!
GO
World Class Performance Tracks with
The best sounding performance tracks
available with dynamic flexibility to
incorporate your changes!
GO
Customized Key Changes On-Demand with
Transposition
Express
GO
Change the key to suit
your performer’s
range!
Box Office & Ticketing
Services with
Affordable BroadwayQuality Video Spots with
GO
GO
Inspire your audience with powerful
Internet and TV spots created specifically
to promote your production.
TicketLeap provides a smart, seamless
online ticketing service geared towards
schools, regional and community theatres!
To get rolling go to:
http://www.ticketleap.com/?rc=trw
Check out Show GO Tools now at
or call us Toll-Free at
(866) 378-9758
SPAMALOT
Character Ranges
V
ARTHUR:
œ
ROBIN:
Vœ
œ
œ
V
HERBERT:
œ
œ
¤€œ
V
LANCELOT:
œ
LADY OF THE LAKE:
&œ
V
PATSY:
œ
œ
V
GALAHAD:
bœ
œ
œ
A Resource for High School Productions
I. More Female Roles:
The most frequently asked question is, “How can I use more female actors in SPAMALOT?”
Besides THE LADY OF THE LAKE, her LAKER GIRLS, and the five chorus/ensemble numbers that
already involve female cast members, here are some additional suggestions for expanding the use of
female cast members.
The following roles might also be played by women (as women or as women playing men):
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
THE HISTORIAN
DENNIS GALAHAD'S MOTHER (usually played by a male actor)
THE FRENCH TAUNTERS
THE MONKS
SIR ROBIN’S MINSTRELS
THE KNIGHTS OF NI (female cast members played these roles on Broadway)
THE VOICE OF GOD
SIR BORS
TIM THE ENCHANTER
II. The Voice of GOD:
With each license agreement to produce SPAMALOT, you will receive a "Production CD" that will
contain a set of logos as well as Eric Idle's pre-show announcement and his “Voice of GOD” audio
tracks. So when listing the cast in your program you can write:
GOD……………………………..……Eric Idle
III. Props:
A complete prop list can be found on the MONTY PYTHON’S SPAMALOT page on our website,
http://www.theatricalrights.com/monty-pythons-spamalot, if you click the green “Resources” button.
IV. Projections:
TRW is working on a simple projection package for those that want to use one. However, you should be
aware that Eric Idle feels that the projections are not necessary. Eric said, “If anyone wants to create
their own, that’s fine.”
V. The Cow:
If launching a cow over the wall becomes problematic, a number of rubber chickens “catapulted” over
the wall might also work. If a source to purchase an inflatable cow can be found, that information will
be posted on the SPAMALOT “Resources” page on the TRW website.
VI. The BLACK KNIGHT:
In the BLACK KNIGHT scene, you could end it after his arms have been removed without having to
come up with a complicated way to remove the legs. A few costume companies are looking onto
creating a BLACK KNIGHT costume that can be rented. As soon as one becomes available the rental
information will be posted on the SPAMALOT “Resources” page on the TRW website.
The following are answers to specific questions in the script:
Act One
p. 1 – HISTORIAN – in lieu of projections, an easel and illustration board could be used by the
HISTORIAN.
Song #2 – “Fisch Schlapping Song” – Bright clothing and dancing with fish alone should be enough to
show ‘Finland’ without the need for scenery.
p. 6 – ROBIN can say – ‘Bug off’ instead of ‘Bugger Off’
p. 9 – You may change ‘shit’ to ‘dung’
Song #6 – “The Lady of the Lake” – If trap doors are not available or another elaborate onstage
entrance, the LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS might enter from the back of the house.
p. 25 – If necessary you can cut the FROG bit as well as the lettering on girl’s panties.
p. 26 – You do not have to have a chandelier. A similar effect could be done with a lighting special.
p. 35 – THE LADY OF THE LAKE does not have to do a strip tease. What is important is that she is
preparing for her Diva moment.
p. 37 – If spelling “CAMLTOE” presents a problem, the following anagrams are also acceptable:
CLAM TOE, CALM TOE, ACME LOT, CAT MOLE (or create your own)
In Scene 8, budgets (or a lack of fly space) may restrict the ability to lower a ‘wheel of fortune’ table.
Lighting, costumes, and props should be able to demonstrate the Las Vegas style of Camelot without the
game wheel. If there is no wheel, you can cut the line ‘we won!’ Colorful plumes, twinkling lights,
light shows, etc. will give it the over the top look.
p. 38 – The Feet of God are not necessary. GOD’S offstage voice with reverb and light special should
be enough.
p. 38 – You may replace (or mute) the word ‘pissing,’ and if absolutely necessary, drop the line “And
stop looking up my skirt.”
p. 39 – If you are not using projections, The Grail could be dropped in on fly bar, or THE HISTORIAN
could display another illustration of The Grail.
p. 39 – You may change ‘I’m God, you stupid tit!’ to ‘I’m God, you stupid twit!’ You may also cut the
word ‘Jesus!’
p. 39 – Instead of a NASA liftoff for GOD, a sound effect or nothing at all will be fine.
Song #14 – “Find Your Grail” – You can create a few more female soloists by breaking up the LADY
OF THE LAKE’s solo between the LADY OF THE LAKE and a few LAKER GIRL soloists.
p. 42 – The “cut out mountain” can be very simple and small. But depending upon the size of your stage
and availability of steps, they can also walk down off the stage and across the audience.
p. 44 – Instead of a painted cyclorama or any elaborate scenery, have one character from each country
visited (in traditional costume) hold up a welcome sign (i.e. “Welcome to China” “Egypt Welcomes
You”… ) as the knights pass quickly SR to SL and back again (new country/character each pass). If
costumes are a problem, you might consider adding Finland (to reuse a costume from the Fisch
Schlapping Song).
p. 45 – You may cut the line by the Taunter, ‘The French Bastard’.
p. 46 – You may cut the line by the Taunter, ‘I wave my private parts at your aunties’.
p. 47 – You may replace ‘hell’ with ‘heck’
p. 49 – To save on costumes, you can adapt the “French people” entering to look at wooden rabbit. But
it would be better to simplify it rather than cut it. It’s a great bit – especially Eponine from Les Miz and
the mime.
p. 50 – You may replace the cow with rubber chickens or something else safer/easier to throw. A few
directors are looking for inflatable cows. If one is found, we will place it on our website.
p. 52 – Before Intermission - as mentioned earlier, the projections are not necessary
Act Two
p. 54 – If the budget doesn’t allow a forest, it could be funny to have just one tree placed onstage to
suggest the forest. A large price tag on the tree instead of the projection of dollar signs ($$) would be
fine.
p. 55 – You may replace ‘hell’ with ‘heck’.
Song #18 – “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” – You may replace the lyric, ‘Life’s a piece of
shit, when you look at it…’ with something like ‘Life’s a piece of dung, though you’ve just begun…’
Song #19 – “Brave Sir Robin” – If necessary you may cut the third verse (‘His head smashed in and his
heart….’), ending after verse two.
After ROBIN sees the BLACK KNIGHT and runs off, you can also end verse 4 with “Who soiled his
pants and then ran away…” (cutting “he simply shat himself instead”).
p. 63 – You may replace ‘bastard’ with ‘knight’ on ARTHUR’S line ‘Look, you stupid bastard….’
p. 64 – You may change BLACK KNIGHTS line from, ‘It’s just a flesh wound. You yellow bastard! I’ll
bite your legs off! You chickenshit, lily livered, upper class twit.’
to
‘It’s just a flesh wound. You yellow belly! I’ll bite your legs off! You’re a lily livered upper class twit.’
p. 66 – You may stop song after first line ‘He was running away and chickening out,’ and cut ‘and
buggering off and pissing off home.’
Song #20 – “You Won’t Succeed on Broadway” – If this song presents a problem in your community,
contact Jim Hoare, [email protected] or Julie Abdelahad, [email protected], and ask
for a copy of “You Won’t Succeed in Showbiz.”
p. 87 – You may cut ‘you bastard’ from Lance’s line.
Song #24 – “His Name Is Lancelot” – This song can be cut if absolutely necessary. However we would
recommend toning it down rather than cut it altogether. The codpiece and banana are not necessary. Use
your own creative staging and have fun with it.
p. 90 – If you decide to use “You Won’t Succeed in Showbiz” instead of “You Won’t Succeed on
Broadway,” you will notice that script changes are included that deal with no longer looking for Jews.
p. 92 – In song #25, “I’m All Alone,” PATSY’s lyrics “Oh, no, you're not…I'm here, you twat” can be
changed to “Oh, no, you're not…I'm all you’ve got.”
p. 96 – TIM does not have to fly at all. If TIM was sitting on top of a visible 6’ ladder on a rolling cart,
the line “What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without strings or visible supporting
device?” is just as funny.
p. 98 – You may change ROBIN’s line from “You tit!” to “You twit!”
p. 99 – You may replace “Jesus Christ” with “Blimey” or another acceptable expletive.
p. 101 – If necessary, you may cut after the line, “And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn
101…” with ARTHUR cutting MAYNARD off saying, “There’s no time for that……”
p. 101 – If your Theatre uses General Admission seating instead of numbered seating, you will have to
use one of the alternatives that follow:
•
•
GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING #1 – DC
GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING #2 – CURT-C.
p. 105 – You may change “Holy shit” to “Holy cow”.
p. 110 – The confetti cannon is not necessary. This scene can be staged much less extravagantly.
GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING #1 – DC
Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the
letters DC.
Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot.
BEDEVERE:
Behold, sire, the clue. DC!
ARTHUR:
DC? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?
BEDEVERE:
Perhaps it’s a location – Washington DC!
LANCELOT:
Like in that Nicholas Cage film!
ARTHUR:
GOD can’t expect us to travel to Washington DC right now!
LANCELOT:
We could take Amtrak and be back in no time
BEDEVERE:
I’m sure these good people won’t mind waiting a bit.
ARTHUR:
We didn’t travel this far to get on a train!
GALAHAD:
Could DC mean “Direct Current”… AC/DC?
ARTHUR:
Oh that’s good.
BEDEVERE:
But sire, maybe it is a location after all – a stage location.
ARTHUR:
I suppose it could be. But where, exactly?
BEDEVERE:
Well we would need to find something Down Center
ARTHUR:
DC, Down Center.
They are staring straight into the audience.
GALAHAD:
It’s probably right under our feet.
ARTHUR:
(Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to
give us a hand.
An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.
ARTHUR:
Of course. It is in the audience- Front Row - Center!
GENERAL ADMISSION SEATING #2– CURT-C
Arthur tosses the Holy Hand Grenade and the Rabbit blows up, and the mound falls over revealing the
letters CURT-C.
Behind is a disgruntled rabbit puppet operator, blackened with soot.
BEDEVERE:
Behold, sire, the clue. CURT-C!
ARTHUR:
CURT-C? That’s a bit cryptic isn’t it?
BEDEVERE:
Perhaps it’s a command! We must curtsy to find the grail.
LANCELOT:
Oooh! I’ll show you how it’s done.
ARTHUR:
I do not believe GOD ALMIGHTY is asking us to curtsy!
LANCELOT:
What else could it be sir?
BEDEVERE:
Perhaps he was dying dramatically and he wrote “Curtains!”
ARTHUR:
Well he’d hardly bother to carve that in the rock.
GALAHAD:
Could it be something near the curtains?
ARTHUR:
Oh that’s good.
BEDEVERE:
Sire, maybe it could be a location.
ARTHUR:
Well it could be but how would that help?
BEDEVERE:
Well we would need to find something at the center of the Curtain.
ARTHUR:
CURT-C.
They are staring straight into the audience.
GALAHAD:
It’s probably right under our feet.
ARTHUR:
(Prays) O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to
give us a hand.
An enormous hand of God appears, and points into the audience.
ARTHUR:
Of course. It is in the audience- Front Row - Center!
– Monty Python’s SPAMALOT –
Book & Lyrics by ERIC IDLE
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle,
Terry Jones, Michael Palin
Original Broadway Production produced by Boyett Ostar
Productions, The Shubert Organization, Arielle Tepper Madover,
Stephanie McClelland/Lawrence Horowitz, Elan V McAllister/Allan
S. Gordon, Independent Producers Network, Roy Furman, GRS
Associates, Jam Theatricals, TGA Entertainment & Live Nation
THE PLACE
Medieval England and Here
THE TIME
932A.D. and Now
CHARACTERS
KING ARTHUR (Late 30s-60s.): The King of England who sets out on a
quest to form the
Knights of the Roundtable and find the Holy Grail. Great Humor. Good
singer.
SIR ROBIN (30s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable. Ironically called
'Sir Robin the Brave,' though he couldn't be more cowardly. Joins the
Knights for the singing and dancing. Also plays GUARD 1 and BROTHER
MAYNARD, a long-winded monk.
SIR LANCELOT d/b/a LANCE (30s-40): A Knight of the Roundtable. He is
fearless to a bloody fault but through a twist of fate, does discover
his 'softer side.' This actor MUST be great with character voices and
accents, as he also plays THE FRENCH TAUNTER, an arrogant,
condescending, over-the-top Frenchman, the KNIGHT OF NI, an absurd,
cartoonish leader of a peculiar group of Knights, and TIM THE
ENCHANTER, a ghostly being with a Scottish accent.
PATSY (30s-40s:) King Arthur's horse and servant. Underappreciated but
always longing for King Arthur's approval. Good, funny, physical mover
with some tap dancing. Also plays MAYOR, a jolly red-faced man who
advertises the merits of his home town and the drunken, useless GUARD
2.
SIR GALAHAD (30s): A Knight of the Roundtable. Begins as Dennis, a
lower class 'mud gatherer' who becomes Knighted and transforms into
the dashing Sir Galahad. Also plays PRINCE HERBERT'S FATHER, a
wealthy, brutish Yorkshireman man at odds with his sensitive
son, THE BLACK KNIGHT who is always ready to duel despite multiple
injuries. Strong baritenor singing required.
SIR BEDEVERE (20s-40s): A Knight of the Roundtable. An inept scholar.
Also plays DENNIS GALAHAD'S MOTHER, a shrill peasant woman, and
CONCORDE, Sir Lancelot's horse. No solo singing.
THE LADY OF THE LAKE (20s-30s):A Diva. Strong, beautiful, possesses
mystical powers. The leading lady of the show. Great singing voice is
essential, as she must be able to sing effortlessly in many styles and
vocal registers. Especially seeking actresses of all races for this
role.
THE FOLLOWING ROLES ARE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTOR (20s-30s):
Tenor singing required. Very good mover. Good supporting role.
HISTORIAN: A tweedy academic.
NOT DEAD FRED: A sickly little fellow who, despite others' beliefs,
claims he is "not yet dead."
FRENCH GUARD: The condemnatory French sidekick to the French Taunter.
MINSTREL: In Sir Robin's band.
PRINCE HERBERT: The hopeful and frilly prince who loves to sing and
pines for his love atop a
tower.
SIR NOT APPEARING may double as THE DANCING MONK
A MALE DANCER appears as THE DANCING NUN
THE VOICE OF GOD may be pre-recorded.
TWO FRENCH GUARDS are two of the MALE ENSEMBLE
ROBIN'S MINSTRELS are also ENSEMBLE: 2 MEN, 1 WOMAN.
SIR BORS is MALE ENSEMBLE.
ENSEMBLE: Six men and six women
MUSICAL NUMBERS
Overture
ACT I
"Fisch Schlapping Song" Mayor, Villagers, Historian
"Monk's Chant" Monks
"King Arthur's Song" King Arthur & Patsy
"Monk's Chant"
"He is Not Dead Yet" Man, Lance, Robin and Bodies
"Dead Play Off" All.
"Come With Me" The Lady of the Lake
"Laker Girls" King Arthur, Patsy and the Laker Girls
"The Song That Goes Like This" Sir Galahad and The Lady of the Lake
"All for One! King Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot,
Galahad and Bedevere
"Knights of the Round Table" King Arthur, Patsy and his Knights,
The Lady of the Lake, and
The Camelot Dancers
"The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) The Lady of the Lake and
Ensemble.
"Find Your Grail" The Lady of the Lake, King Arthur,
Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad,
Bedevere, Knights and Grail Girls
"Run Away " The Taunter, French Guards, King
Arthur, Patsy, Robin, Lancelot, Galahad,
Bedevere, French Citizens
ACT II
"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" Patsy, King Arthur, Knights
and The Knights of Ni
"Brave Sir Robin" Sir Robin and his Minstrels
"You Won't Succeed on Broadway" Sir Robin and Ensemble
"The Diva's Lament" The Lady of the Lake
"Where Are You?" Prince Herbert
"Here Are You!" Prince Herbert
"His Name Is Lancelot" Lancelot, Prince Herbert and Ensemble
"I'm All Alone" King Arthur, Patsy and Knights
"The Song That Goes Like This" (Reprise) Lady of the Lake and King
Arthur
"The Grail" King Arthur, Patsy, and his Knights.
"We Are Not Yet Wed" (Reprise) Girls, Knights, Ensemble
"Always Look on The Bright Side of Life" (Reprise) The Company
I-1
#0 Prelude
#1 Overture
ACT I
(A mighty Portcullis occupies the stage which may be used for
projections.
sa
l
The Proscenium has two medieval towers either side with an
arched doorway and a practical window above)
Scene One: The Mighty Portcullis
Pe
#1A Introduction
n
A map of England appears on the Portcullis with skulls in
various places, like a Medieval weather map. If projection is
used this may be animated)
tio
ru
(A very sober looking bow-tied HISTORIAN with horn rimmed
glasses ENTERS.
uc
pr
od
TR
W
HISTORIAN
England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West the Anglo-Saxons, to the East the French.
Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed –
Plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent – Plague. In Mercia and the two
Anglias – Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at
twelve miles per hour. Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite
a troubled kingdom….
(A Terry Gilliam-like cartoon picture of KING ARTHUR
projected or revealed)
fo
r
HISTORIAN (CONT'D)
….A man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur,
King of the Britons. For this was England!
#2 Fisch Schlapping Song
N
ot
(The Portcullis flies away to reveal…)
I-2
Scene Two: Moose Village
(A pretty woodland set; brightly lit with a painted mountain back
drop with pine trees.
The Stage side panels are pine trees. There is a log cabin. This is
Finland.
ru
ENSEMBLE
FINLAND, FINLAND, FINLAND
THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
pr
od
TR
W
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG
IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG
tio
ALL
uc
Pe
MAYOR
FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE DANCE
FINLAND IS THE COUNTRY WHERE WE PLAY
HERE IN FINLAND BOY AND GIRL CAN FIND A TRUE ROMANCE
IN TRADITIONAL SCANDINAVIAN WAY
(The BOYS proudly produce two tiny fish, one in each hand and
as they advance they slap the GIRLS across their cheeks.
Everybody grins idiotically as if this was tremendous fun.
fo
r
After two advances the GIRLS produce a huge fish and hit the
BOYS across their heads knocking them flat.
FX: Sound effect hit)
ALL
ot
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
MAYOR
N
SCHLIP AND SCHLAP AWAY
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
ALL
n
sa
l
The stage is filled with extremely silly people in highly colored
Scandinavian costumes, singing and dancing in a very daft
folklorique way)
I-3
MAYOR
SCHLAP AWAY ALL DAY
ALL
SCHLIP SCHLAP –
MAYOR
YOU SIMPLY CAN'T GO WRONG
IN TRADITIONAL FISH SCHLAPPING SONG
sa
l
TWO SINGERS
FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND
THE COUNTRY WHERE I QUITE WANT TO BE
Pe
tio
MAN #2
OR CAMPING
TR
I said England!
pr
od
W
(HISTORIAN ENTERS in disbelief)
uc
ALL
OR JUST WATCHING TV
FINLAND FINLAND FINLAND
THAT'S THE COUNTRY FOR ME!
HISTORIAN
CHORUS
Oh, sorry.
Oops.
(etc)
fo
r
(The Finland set instantly collapses. The side panel tree drops
are released on cue.
The painted backdrop falls and the CHORUS push away the log
cabin – which is labeled National Theater of Finland.
They ALL EXIT embarrassed.
ot
The bright lights go out, replaced by smoke and darkness, a bell
tolling mournfully and medieval chanting.
At the back of the stage is a large Medieval castle reaching as
high as it can go.
N
n
ru
MAN #1
PONY TREKKING
Before it a practical crenellated bridged archway over a large
wooden doored gateway)
I-4
Scene Three: Mud Castle
(Four cowled and hooded MONKS ENTER chanting, walking
slowly across the front of the Stage hitting themselves on their
foreheads with large Medieval Bibles)
#3 Monk's Chant #1
MONKS
sa
l
SACROSANCTUS DOMINE
(FX: Clunk)
tio
ru
(FX: Clunk)
MONKS
Pe
IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE
MONKS
pr
od
W
(FX: Clunk.
uc
(FX: Clunk)
PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT
Out of the smoke a small cut out castle with flags slides on.
TR
The sound of approaching horses hooves.
A light shines through the Gateway, and ARTHUR "rides" in,
pretending to ride an imaginary horse, followed by PATSY, his
servant, banging two halves of a coconut together.
fo
r
They take a leap)
ARTHUR
Steady. And over we go.
ot
(PATSY makes the appropriate coconut noise for each
maneuver)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Well taken, Patsy. And canter. And trot.
MORE
N
n
MONKS
PECAVI IGNOVIUNT
(They ride round the stage, giving a display of real
horsemanship)
I-5
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
And whoa there! Well done. Hello?
(ARTHUR reins in the "horse" and surveys the Castle.
A GUARD appears through a window of the castle wall)
ROBIN
#3 King Arthur's Song
sa
l
Hello?! Who goes there?
n
pr
od
W
PATSY
HE IS ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS
AND WE ARE OUT SEEKING MEN
VERY STRONG MEN
AND VERY ABLE
tio
Pe
ROBIN
And I'm the Emperor of Norway. Bugger off.
uc
ru
ARTHUR
I AM ARTHUR KING OF THE BRITONS
LORD AND RULER OF ALL
OF ENGLAND, AND SCOTLAND
AND EVEN TINY LITTLE BITS OF GAUL
TR
ARTHUR
TO SIT AROUND OUR VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE
ROBIN
What is it you want?
ARTHUR
I am looking for men.
fo
r
ROBIN
I had a feeling.
ot
ARTHUR
We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights to join me in my court at
Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
ROBIN
What, ridden on a horse?
N
Yes!
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR
ROBIN
I-6
ARTHUR
What?
ROBIN
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging them together.
sa
l
ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia,
through…
ROBIN
Where'd you get the coconut?
ROBIN
W
Well, this is a temperate zone.
tio
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
uc
ru
Pe
ROBIN
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
n
ARTHUR
We found them.
pr
od
TR
ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer
climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
ROBIN
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR
Not at all, they could be carried.
fo
r
ROBIN
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk!
ot
ROBIN
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird
could not carry a one pound coconut.
N
ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
I-7
ROBIN
Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every
second, right?
ARTHUR
Please!
ROBIN
Am I right?
sa
l
ARTHUR
I'm not interested!
n
(LANCE appears at the opposite window)
ru
LANCE
tio
It could be carried by an African swallow!
Pe
ROBIN
Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow, that's my point.
uc
LANCE
Oh, yeah, I agree with that… Beautiful bird, the African swallow. Lovely plumage.
TR
Oh, yeah …
pr
od
W
ROBIN
The plumage don't enter into it. And besides, African swallows are non-migratory.
LANCE
ROBIN
So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway…
ARTHUR
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
fo
r
LANCE
Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?
ROBIN
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
ot
LANCE
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
N
ROBIN
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
(ARTHUR, despairing of any further sensible conversation
gallops off left with PATSY)
I-8
LANCE
Well, why not? Hey! Who was that then?
ROBIN
That's a king.
LANCE
How can you tell?
ROBIN
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
sa
l
He hasn't got shit all over him.
I-9
Scene Four: Plague Village
(A cart filled with dead bodies pushed by a man in rags enters
upstage right.
ROBIN, THE DEAD COLLECTOR, ENTERS banging a
triangle)
#4A Monk's Chant #2
sa
l
MONKS (OFFSTAGE VOICES, PRE RECORDED)
SACROSANCTUS DOMINE
Pe
tio
MONKS
PECAVI IGNOVIUNT
ROBIN
MONKS
PAX VOBISCUM VENERUNT
ROBIN
pr
od
W
TR
Bring out your dead!
uc
Bring out your dead!
IUESUS CHRISTUS DOMINE
MONKS
(LANCE ENTERS dragging a small bubo covered MAN,
apparently dead, by his feet)
LANCE
fo
r
Here's one.
ROBIN
Nine pence.
MAN
N
What?
ot
I'm not dead!
Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
n
ru
ROBIN
(Live)
Bring out your Dead!
ROBIN
LANCE
I-10
MAN
I'm not dead!
ROBIN
Here, he says he's not dead!
LANCE
Yes, he is.
MAN
sa
l
I'm not!
n
ROBIN
He isn't.
ru
LANCE
Pe
LANCE
No, you're not; you'll be stone dead in a moment.
TR
I don't want to go on the cart!
pr
od
W
ROBIN
I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
MAN
LANCE
Oh, don't be such a baby.
ROBIN
I can't take him...
fo
r
MAN
I feel fine!
LANCE
Well, do us a favor...
ot
ROBIN
I can't.
N
LANCE
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Oh, alright. Kevin.
uc
MAN
I'm getting better!
tio
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
ROBIN
I-11
LANCE
Thanks, mate.
(The CARTER picks up the MAN and carries him towards the
cart)
ROBIN
But make it quick, I got to get to Camelot by six.
LANCE
sa
l
You're going to Camelot?
n
ROBIN
Yes.
ROBIN
Pe
No, I'm going to enlist.
LANCE
What, as a Knight?
ROBIN
TR
Well I'll come with you.
pr
od
W
Maybe.
LANCE
MAN
I'm not dead yet.
LANCE
Shut up. I fancy some of that fighting.
fo
r
ROBIN
Oh, there's fighting is there?
LANCE
Quite, a lot of fighting, mate. That's what the job's all about.
ot
ROBIN
Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up. And dancing.
LANCE
N
No, no. It's mostly fighting.
Oh. Oh, good.
tio
What, you got a gig?
uc
ru
LANCE
ROBIN
I-12
LANCE
Although some of the Scottish regiments might have a bit of dressing up and dancing.
MAN
I'd like to dance.
LANCE
Look, you're not fooling anyone you know.
tio
uc
Pe
ru
MAN
I feel happy. I feel happy.
(To illustrate how happy he is, he sings:)
I AM NOT DEAD YET
I CAN DANCE AND I CAN SING
I AM NOT DEAD YET
I CAN DO THE HIGHLAND FLING
I AM NOT DEAD YET
NO NEED TO GO TO BED
NO NEED TO CALL A DOCTOR
'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD.
n
sa
l
#5 I Am Not Dead Yet
(The FIVE BODIES on the cart quite suddenly sit up and sing)
pr
od
TR
W
BODIES
HE IS NOT YET DEAD
THAT'S WHAT THE GEEZER SAID
OH HE'S NOT YET DEAD
THAT MAN IS OFF HIS HEAD
HE IS NOT YET DEAD
PUT HIM BACK IN BED
KEEP HIM OFF THE CART BECAUSE
HE'S NOT YET DEAD
Beat)
fo
r
(The MAN dances frenetically to show them he is healthy until
LANCE whacks him smartly on the head with a shovel from the
cart. The MAN drops like a stone.
N
ot
BODIES (CONT'D)
WELL, NOW HE'S DEAD
YOU WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD
SURE NOW HE'S DEAD
IT MAKES ME JUST SEE RED
YOU ARE SUCH A BRUTE
TO MURDER THAT OLD COOT
YOU HOMICIDAL BASTARD, NOW HE'S REALLY DEAD
I-13
SOME BODIES
WHO IS THE KNAVE
WHO PUT HIM IN HIS GRAVE
OTHER BODIES
WHO IS HE?
THE REST OF THE BODIES
WHO WHO WHO?
BODIES
AND WHO NEEDS TO MANAGE HIS ANGER?
(LANCE menaces them with his shovel)
n
sa
l
LANCE
MY NAME IS LANCELOT
I'M BIG AND STRONG AND HOT
OCCASION'LLY I DO
SOME THINGS THAT I SHOULD NOT
ROBIN
tio
pr
od
W
LANCE
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, ROBIN
THROUGH AND THROUGH AND THROUGH
SO STICK WITH ME AND I'LL
SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO
uc
Pe
ru
I WANT TO BE A KNIGHT
BUT I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT
I'M RATHER SCARED I MAY
JUST SIMPLY RUN AWAY
BOTH
TR
WE'LL REMAIN GOOD CHUMS
LANCE
YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE
BOTH
WE'RE GOING TO ENLIST
fo
r
ROBIN
I'M ROBIN
LANCE
AND I'M LANCE
N
ot
LANCELOT, ROBIN, AND BODIES
OH, WE'RE OFF TO WAR
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD
WE WILL ALL ENLIST
AS THE KNIGHTS THAT ARTHUR LED
I-14
MAN
I AM COMING TOO
MY NAME WILL BE SIR FRED
I'LL BE YOUR MUSICIAN
'COS I'M NOT YET DEAD.
SOME BODIES
ROBIN
TO SING
AND DANCE
sa
l
OH, WE'RE NOT DEAD YET
TO CAMELOT WE GO
TO ENLIST INSTEAD
TO TRY TO EARN SOME DOUGH
AND SO ALTHOUGH
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN
BED
OTHER BODIES
(Singing after SOME BODIES)
WE ARE NOT YET DEAD
OFF TO CAMELOT WE GO
TO ENLIST INSTEAD
TRY AND EARN A LITTLE DOUGH
AND SO ALTHOUGH
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN
BED
ALL BODIES
WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT YET DEAD!
uc
Pe
ALL
WE'RE GOING OFF TO WAR
WE'LL HAVE GIRLFRIENDS BY THE SCORE
tio
ru
ROBIN
AND KEEP AN EYE
ON LANCE
pr
od
W
MAN
WE'LL BE SHOT BY MICHAEL MOORE!
(Alternative: WE'LL BE LOYAL TO THE CORPS)
ALL (EXCEPT MAN)
TR
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT YET
(LANCE whacks him over the head again and he drops like a
stone)
ALL (CONT'D)
fo
r
DEAD!
NOT YET DEAD!
#5A Dead Playoff
(They march off as soldiers to a Marine Corps chant)
ALL (CONT'D)
ot
1 – 2 – 3 – 4…
N
LANCE
I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID…
MEN
I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID…
n
LANCE
TO KILL
I WILL
IT GIVES ME SUCH A
THRILL
I-15
LANCE
WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD…
MEN
WE'RE OFF TO WAR, WE'RE NOT YET DEAD…
(The MAN gets up and follows them off enthusiastically, a
soldier too.
sa
l
THEY EXIT)
LANCE
BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR…
Pe
MEN
N
ot
n
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA???
tio
LANCE
IN SUSPENDERS AND A BRA!
uc
ru
MEN
BECOME A KNIGHT AND YOU'LL GO FAR…
I-16
Scene Five: Mud Village
(ARTHUR rides in with PATSY.
DENNIS GALAHAD ENTERS behind a small traveling mound
of mud. He has a trowel and is mining for mud)
ARTHUR
Over! Old woman!
sa
l
DENNIS
Man!
n
ru
ARTHUR
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS
Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
TR
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
I'm not old!
uc
Pe
ARTHUR
What?
tio
DENNIS
I'm twenty seven.
DENNIS
ARTHUR
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'
DENNIS
fo
r
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR
Look I did say I was sorry about the 'old woman' thing, but really from behind you do look like…
ot
DENNIS
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR
Well, I am king...
N
DENNIS
Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to
outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress…
I-17
MOTHER
Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. Oh how d'you do?
ARTHUR
How do you do, good lady.
MOTHER
How d'you do. I'm Mrs. Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis, married to Nobby the Cretin,
dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leave me sadly available.
sa
l
ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
ru
n
MOTHER
King of the who?
tio
ARTHUR
The Britons.
Pe
MOTHER
ARTHUR
Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.
uc
Who are the Britons?
pr
od
W
MOTHER
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
TR
DENNIS
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the
working classes….
MOTHER
Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
fo
r
DENNIS
That's what it's all about. If only people would…
ARTHUR
Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who is your lord?
MOTHER
ot
We don't have a lord.
N
DENNIS
We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of an executive officer
for the week….
Yes.
ARTHUR
I-18
DENNIS
…but each decision of that officer has to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting….
ARTHUR
Yes, I see.
DENNIS
…by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs…
ARTHUR
sa
l
Be quiet!
n
DENNIS
…but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more…
ru
ARTHUR
tio
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
MOTHER
Pe
Oh! Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
MOTHER
TR
You don't vote for kings.
pr
od
W
Well, I didn't vote for you.
uc
ARTHUR
I am your king!
ARTHUR
#6 The Lady Of The Lake
MOTHER
Well, how did you become king then?
fo
r
ARTHUR
Well, I'll tell you. One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake!
DENNIS
Dead?
ot
ARTHUR
No. Not dead. She was…the Lady of the Lake! She lives in the lake.
DENNIS
N
What, underwater?
ARTHUR
Yes.
MORE
I-19
(DENNIS indicates to his mother that ARTHUR has been
drinking)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water…Her arm clad in the purest shimmering
samite, holding aloft Excalibur signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry
Excalibur.
(ARTHUR draws his sword. It shines mystically.
sa
l
Music plays)
n
PATSY
Excalibur!
EXCALIBUR!
AH – AH!
Pe
(DENNIS and his MOTHER look around to see who sang)
uc
ARTHUR
That is why I am your King.
tio
ru
CHORUS (OFFSTAGE)
pr
od
W
DENNIS
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.
TR
ARTHUR
It's not just an ordinary sword. How many swords have their own names?
DENNIS
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword
at you!
fo
r
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
ot
DENNIS
If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar
at me they'd put me away!
ARTHUR
Do you think I could make that up?
N
DENNIS
Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds can't replace the electorate.
I-20
ARTHUR
Very well, since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists, will you
join my army and enlist as a knight?
DENNIS
Oh sure, if she exists, I'll join any bloody army. And for the Tooth Fairy, I'll join the Navy …
ARTHUR
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
sa
l
Very well. Watch this.
I-21
Scene Six: The Lady of the Lake
(ARTHUR walks forward and prays to the LADY OF THE
LAKE)
ARTHUR
O Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas…
DENNIS
sa
l
Dennis.
tio
Magical music)
ru
(Dry ice fills the stage.
Pe
uc
CHORUS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
pr
od
TR
W
(The LADY OF THE LAKE and her LAKER GIRLS, six
scantily-clad ladies in fronds, emerge through the floor of the
stage on an elevator, or are pushed through the Gateway of the
Castle on a dais)
Cor Blimey!
DENNIS
(The LADY OF THE LAKE steps forward and appeals to young
DENNIS)
fo
r
LADY OF THE LAKE
COME WITH ME
COME WITH ME
COME WITH ME, SWEET GALAHAD
YOU'LL BE A MAN
JOIN ARTHUR'S CLAN
COME WITH ME AND I WILL MAKE YOU GLAD.
ot
GALAHAD, SWEET GALAHAD
BE A KNIGHT IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR VOW
IF YOU COME WITH ME NOW
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW
N
n
ARTHUR
…please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real!
(The LADY OF THE LAKE offers her hand to DENNIS)
I-22
DENNIS
OH, WOW.
(Completely entranced, DENNIS takes her hand and follows her
off through the Gateway.
MOTHER recovers from her shock and awe and sees what is
happening too late)
#7 Laker Girls
Pe
(ARTHUR blows a referees whistle.
uc
The LAKER GIRLS rush forward ripping off their frond dresses
to reveal Cheerleader costumes underneath.
tio
ru
ARTHUR
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of Lake and her Laker Girls welcome your son into
my army.
pr
od
W
They produce pom-poms and perform a high-kicking clichéd
Cheerleader routine for ARTHUR)
ARTHUR
fo
r
TR
I AM ARTHUR
KING OF THE BRITONS
AND WE'RE SEEKING MEN
WHO ARE ABLE.
AND SO WE'RE
RECRUITING DENNIS
TO SIT AT OUR
VERY, VERY, VERY ROUND TABLE.
READY?
LAKER GIRLS
(Chanted like cheerleaders:)
ot
O.K.!.
K-I-N
G-A-R
T-H-U-R
ARTHUR
N
K-I-N
G-A-RT-H-U-R
ARTHUR
MORE
n
sa
l
MOTHER
'Ere, you leave him alone you watery witch. Dennis. Come back. You'll catch a nasty cold in that
pond.
I-23
LAKER GIRLS (CONT'D)
ARTHUR KING
ARTHUR KING
THE BIGGEST AND THE COOLEST THING
ARTHUR
WHO'S THE KING?
LAKER GIRLS
sa
l
U.R.
ARTHUR
WHO'S THE KING?
uc
pr
od
W
WHO IS NEXT TO ENLIST?
DENNIS
DENNIS
PATSY
TR
WHO IS?
BOTH
"DEN" IS!
fo
r
LAKER GIRLS AND PATSY
THE LADY OF THE LAKE
WILL MAKE HIM A MAN
IF SHE CAN'T DO IT
NOBODY CAN
ARTHUR AND PATSY
WHO WILL HE BE?
LAKER GIRLS
ot
G-A-L-A-H-A-D
N
(The LAKER GIRLS do backward shoulder stands revealing
they each have a letter on the back of their panties)
G-A-L-A-H-A…
tio
ru
Pe
(A FROG ENTERS does a cartwheel and EXITS. Arthur double
takes)
n
LAKER GIRLS
U.R.
A-R-T-H-U-R.
ARTHUR!
I-24
(MRS. GALAHAD lifts her skirt to reveal the letter…)
MOTHER
D!
(PATSY rushes forward with a megaphone)
PATSY
Tonight, King Arthur presents the Lady of the Lake and the Knighting of Dennis Galahad!
Pe
The LADY OF THE LAKE is at his side, her arms entwined
around his waist, gazing up at him adoringly in a classic
"Phantom of the Opera" pose.
uc
From above a chandelier slowly descends.
tio
ru
DENNIS stands totally transformed. He is no longer dirty muddy
DENNIS. He is spotless, wearing chain mail armor and a white
tunic with the red cross of St. George. He stands in a stiff pose
with his long blonde hair streaming in the wind.
W
GALAHAD and the LADY OF THE LAKE step from the boat
and sing an over the top romantic ballad)
pr
od
CHORUS
AH! AH! AH!
MEN
AH!
AH!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
TR
WOMEN
AH! AH!
AH! AH!
AH!
#8 The Song that Goes Like This
ot
fo
r
DENNIS
ONCE IN EVERY SHOW
THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS
IT STARTS OFF SOFT AND LOW
AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS
OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
(Spoken in rhythm")
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE
LADY OF THE LAKE
N
A SENTIMENTAL SONG
THAT CASTS A MAGIC SPELL
THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG
MORE
n
sa
l
(A magnificent boat sails in through the Gateway.
I-25
LADY OF THE LAKE (CONT'D)
WE'LL OVERACT LIKE HELL
OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS.
BOTH
(Spoken in rhythm:)
YES IT IS.
YES! YES!
DENNIS
sa
l
NOW WE CAN GO STRAIGHT
IN TO THE MIDDLE EIGHT
A BRIDGE THAT IS TOO FAR FOR ME.
DENNIS
NOW WE'RE IN TO E
THAT'S AWFULLY HIGH FOR ME
TR
BOTH
FOR THIS IS OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS.
DENNIS
I'M FEELING VERY PROUD
fo
r
LADY OF THE LAKE
YOU'RE SINGING FAR TOO LOUD
DENNIS
THAT'S THE WAY THAT THIS SONG GOES
ot
LADY OF THE LAKE
YOU'RE STANDING ON MY TOES
BOTH
SINGING OUR SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS
(The song modulates even higher)
N
n
pr
od
W
LADY OF THE LAKE
BUT EVERYONE CAN SEE
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN D
tio
Pe
BOTH
AND THEN WE CHANGE THE KEY!
uc
ru
LADY OF THE LAKE
I'LL SING IT IN YOUR FACE
WHILE WE BOTH EMBRACE
LADY OF THE LAKE
I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S MORE
I-26
DENNIS
IT'S FAR TOO LONG, I'M SURE
LADY OF THE LAKE
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH THIS SONG
IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON
(It still continues…)
sa
l
BOTH
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT IS TOO LONG.
LAKER GIRLS
AH!
AH!
LAKER GIRLS
TR
LADY OF THE LAKE
LET'S STOP THIS DAMN REFRAIN
LAKER GIRLS
AH!
BOTH
fo
r
BEFORE WE GO INSANE…
THE SONG ALWAYS ENDS
LAKER GIRLS
ENDS
BOTH
ot
LIKE
LAKER GIRLS
N
LIKE
THIS!
n
pr
od
W
DENNIS
YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU WEREN'T BORN
tio
Pe
LADY OF THE LAKE
WE'LL BE SINGING THIS TILL DAWN
uc
ru
DENNIS
(Spoken)
Jesus Christ! God damn it!!
ALL
I-27
(The final note triggers electrical sparks and destruction of the
chandelier)
#8A The Song That Goes - Playoff
(THE LADY retreats, the GIRLS EXIT, the stage clears leaving
ARTHUR, PATSY, and DENNIS)
#9 The Knighting Of Galahad
sa
l
ARTHUR
Come, kneel.
ru
n
DENNIS
Dennis!
tio
ARTHUR
Come, Dennis. Kneel.
Pe
(GALAHAD kneels while ARTHUR knights him)
pr
od
W
GALAHAD
Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I feel ever so much better now.
uc
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Arise, Sir Galahad!
TR
PATSY
'Ere, Dennis, what has she done to your voice?
GALAHAD
I'm talking properly now, because I am a Knight.
PATSY
You're a prat!
fo
r
GALAHAD
Yes, but now I'm Sir Prat.
ARTHUR
Come, let us to horse.
GALAHAD
ot
(Hesitates)
To what?
ARTHUR
N
To horse!
(GALAHAD "mounts" his imaginary horse. He "rides" off
gingerly, stage right)
I-28
PATSY
Come on. Come on. You'll soon get the hang of it.
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
sa
l
#12 All For One
I-29
Scene Seven: King Arthur and His Knights
(The Portcullis descends as ARTHUR and PATSY ENTER
followed one by one by the KNIGHTS.
The HISTORIAN appears at the window)
sa
l
HISTORIAN
And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the
Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent
Sir Bedevere.
n
(BEDEVERE ENTERS flapping his tabard, as if he has just
farted)
HISTORIAN (CONT'D)
the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot…
uc
Pe
(SIR GALAHAD ENTERS and shakes his blonde mane
preciously)
tio
ru
HISTORIAN (CONT'D)
the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad…
pr
od
W
(LANCELOT ENTERS and gets a little too close to
GALAHAD, gripping his arm)
TR
HISTORIAN (CONT'D)
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot…
(SIR ROBIN ENTERS holding a rubber chicken)
HISTORIAN (CONT'D)
… who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon
Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show.
fo
r
(SIR NOT-APPEARING, a Knight in Spanish armor, ENTERS.
They all look at him)
SIR NOT
Sorry.
(HE EXITS sheepishly)
ot
HISTORIAN
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the
Centuries… The Knights of the Round Table!
N
(The KNIGHTS do a soft shoe shuffle and then gather around a
camp fire, produced from PATSY'S sack as night falls)
I-30
KNIGHTS
ALL FOR ONE
ONE FOR ALL
ALL FOR ONE
AND ONE FOR ALL
BEDEVERE
SOME FOR SOME
GALAHAD
sa
l
NONE FOR NONE
n
ROBIN
SLIGHTLY LESS FOR PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE
tio
ru
LANCELOT
AND A LITTLE BIT MORE FOR ME
ARTHUR
W
OOOO
TR
pr
od
KNIGHTS (NOT ARTHUR)
KING ARTHUR'S STRONGEST KNIGHTS
WE ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT
WHOOOO- EVER.
uc
Pe
ALL (NOT ARTHUR)
ALL ROUND THIS BLIGHTY LAND
WE ARE HIS MIGHTY BAND
OOOO
(KING ARTHUR steps forward to address them around the
campfire)
fo
r
ARTHUR
Knights, tonight is the night when all my knights……unite. Tonight we shine a bright light on to
a mystery of history: to wit – why are we called the Middle Ages when nothing comes after us?
Someday, history will speak of a legendary king and his knights of courage and daring.
KNIGHTS
ot
ALL FOR ONE
ONE FOR ALL
FROM HIGH TO LOW
FROM BIG TO SMALL.
N
ARTHUR
Together, we will bring chivalry to a rude and churlish time. But first I thought "Let's go to
Camelot!"
To Camelot!
LANCE AND ROBIN
I-31
GALAHAD, BEDEVERE, AND PATSY
To Camelot!
ARTHUR
And remember, gentlemen. What happens in Camelot, stays in Camelot!
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
sa
l
#13 Knights Of The Round Table
I-32
Scene Eight: The Court of Camelot
(The garishly lit neon exterior of The Castle of Camelot.
Like a hotel in Las Vegas, with dancing knights and cocktail
maids.
A beyond over the top Broadway number in the worst possible
taste)
n
sa
l
GIRLS
CAMELOT.
THE TOWN THAT NEVER SLEEPS
IT'S CAMELOT!
Hello!
Welcome to Camelot!
tio
ru
ALL KNIGHTS
BARITONES
Hup!
TR
Hup!
TENORS
pr
od
W
Hup!
uc
Pe
ARTHUR
Hup!
BASSES
LANCELOT, BEDEVERE, GALAHAD, AND ROBIN
Hup!
ot
fo
r
ARTHUR AND THE KNIGHTS
WE'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND CHORUS SCENES
WITH FOOTWORK IMPECC-ABLE.
WE DINE WELL HERE IN CAMELOT
WE EAT HAM AND JAM AND SPAM A LOT
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM
N
KNIGHTS
OUR SHOWS ARE FOR-MID-ABLE
BUT MANY TIMES, WE'RE GIVEN RHYMES
THAT ARE QUITE UNSING-ABLE
WE'RE OPERA MAD IN CAMELOT
WE SING FROM THE DIAPHRAGM A LOT
I-33
(THE KNIGHTS leap onto the table and perform a Tap Dance
Break)
ARTHUR
One, two, three, huh!
(ARTHUR joins them on the table, but fakes his tap dance, while
PATSY bangs the coconuts as if he were tapping)
Pe
BASS
I HAVE TO PUSH THE PRAM A LOT.
n
uc
(Four prams pushed in by KNIGHTS open to reveal four
SHOWGIRLS in sequins and spangly headgear who perform a
dance with a ball and chain, the dreaded spiked ball mace.
tio
ru
sa
l
KNIGHTS
ALTHOUGH WE LIVE A FABLE
WE'RE NOT JUST BUMS
WITH ROYAL MUMS
WE'VE BRAINS THAT ARE QUITE ABLE.
WE'VE A BUSY LIFE IN CAMELOT.
pr
od
TR
W
A KNIGHT in shining female body armor ENTERS through the
Gateway and performs a strip tease, removing her gauntlets,
which she throws to the KNIGHTS, dropping off the front body
part, revealing her in a sparkling Cher-like body suit, until finally
she tosses her helmet aside which bounces noisily and ARTHUR
introduces her)
ARTHUR
(Hand mike)
Ladies and gentlemen – The Lady of the Lake!
fo
r
(LADY OF THE LAKE pulls a microphone out of the back of
her pants suit and nods to the audience acknowledging their
applause in true diva fashion)
N
ot
LADY OF LAKE
Thank you… thank you so very much…
(Singing in a very "Vegas" way:)
ONCE IN EV'RY SHOW
OH, WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS?
(Dance: A Nun and a Monk perform a pas de deux of love)
I-34
LADY OF THE LAKE
FOR THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE …
(Scats)
A WHOP BOP
(Etc.)
ARTHUR
sa
l
(Scats)
DOO WHOP A DIDDLE
(Etc.)
LADY OF THE LAKE
THEY'RE KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
Pe
tio
LADY OF THE LAKE
THEY'RE KNIGHTS
ARTHUR
uc
NOT DAYS, BUT KNIGHTS
pr
od
W
LADY OF THE LAKE AND ARTHUR
NOT DAWN, NOT DUSK
NOT LATE AFTERNOON
BUT KNIGHTS
OF THE ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
TR
ALL
fo
r
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
ROUND TABLE
TRY YOUR LUCK IN CAMELOT
ot
(KNIGHTS hold shields with letters on. They rush forward and
spell: MEATLOC)
ALL (CONT'D)
RUN AMUCK IN CAMELOT
(They try again, this time they spell: CAMLTOE)
N
n
ru
ARTHUR
THEY DANCE WHEN E'ER THEY'RE ABLE
ALL (CONT'D)
IT DOESN'T SUCK IN CAMELOT
MORE
I-35
(Finally they get it right: CAMELOT.
A Round Table like a Vegas Wheel of fortune descends.
It buzzes and clicks and then makes a winning sound)
N
ot
n
tio
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
# 13A Knights Playoff
uc
Pe
ru
WE EAT HAM AND JAM
(Spoken:)
POW!
(Sung:)
WE EAT HAM AND JAM
AND SPAM-A-LOT!
(Spoken)
SPAMALOT!
sa
l
ALL (CONT'D)
(Spoken)
WE WON!
(Sung)
WE DANCE WHEN E'ER WE'RE ABLE
WE DO ROUTINES AND GORY SCENES
THAT ARE TOO HOT FOR CABLE
I-36
Scene Nine: At the Feet of God
(Loud bolt of lightning and crack of thunder and a very powerful
light shines.
We see two huge feet. These are the feet of GOD.
The KNIGHTS all fall to their knees. Holy music plays)
sa
l
GOD
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's
people groveling.
ru
GOD
TR
I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
What are you doing now?
tio
ARTHUR
Well, we were dancing Lord and…
uc
Pe
GOD
And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's, 'sorry this,' and, 'forgive me that,'
and, 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing pissing around in Camelot!?
n
ARTHUR
Sorry, Lord!!
GOD
Well, don't. And stop looking up my skirt.
ARTHUR
Yes, Lord.
fo
r
GOD
Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights have a task to make them an example in these
dark times.
ARTHUR
Oh, good idea, oh Lord!
ot
(More Heavenly music)
N
GOD
Of 'course it's a good idea! I'm God, you stupid tit! Jesus! Now this shall be your Quest. Behold!
The Grail appears projected on the clouds. Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well. For that is
your purpose, Arthur, the Quest for the Holy Grail.
But how will I…?
ARTHUR
I-37
GOD
Just find the Grail, okay. And get on with it. These people don't have all night!
(GOD lifts off like a NASA launch. Smoke pours out of his feet
as they ascend.
Even more Heavenly music)
God be praised! We have a Quest.
sa
l
ARTHUR
n
BEDEVERE
To find the Grail.
The Quail!
tio
ru
ROBIN
ROBIN
They had a boat at the Last Supper? Was it a sort of Dinner Cruise?
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
The Grail is a Cup.
uc
Pe
ARTHUR
No, the Grail. The vessel used at The Last Supper.
TR
ROBIN
God the Almighty and All Knowing has misplaced a cup?
GALAHAD
Apparently.
ROBIN
Doesn't sound very plausible. If God is all-knowing He must know where it is.
fo
r
GALAHAD
It does seem very careless. There must be other cups he could use.
ROBIN
Couldn't we just buy him another one?
ot
ARTHUR
Look, it's not just about a missing mug. It's a metaphor. We must all look for the Grail within us.
ROBIN
N
Somebody's swallowed it?
Nobody has swallowed it. It's a symbol.
ARTHUR
I-38
(Cymbal!
ARTHUR make a long suffering looks at the Orchestra pit)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Look, just go and find it.
ROBIN
Found it.
sa
l
ARTHUR
Where?
ru
n
ROBIN
It's right there.
Pe
(And indeed there is a small Grail standing alone on the stage.
But as they approach the Grail it begins to rise in the air.
tio
#14 Find Your Grail
N
ot
fo
r
TR
uc
Sacred music)
pr
od
W
The Grail continues to rise but now we see it is being held aloft
by the LADY OF THE LAKE who emerges from a trap door. Or
from inside the Gateway if no trap.
I-39
Scene Ten: The Quest for the Grail
The LADY OF THE LAKE sings an over the top ballad,
accompanied by her lovely Ladies and their Knights. She is
perhaps a little too "right on."
BASSES
AH
LAKER GIRLS
sa
l
AH
n
BASSES
AH
Pe
BASSES
AH
LAKER GIRLS
AH
BASSES
TR
AH
pr
od
W
AH
LAKER GIRLS
fo
r
LADY OF THE LAKE:
IF YOU TRUST IN YOUR SOUL
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GOAL
THEN THE PRIZE YOU WON'T FAIL
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL
ot
SO BE STRONG
KEEP RIGHT ON
TO THE END
OF YOUR SONG
DO NOT FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
LIFE IS REALLY UP TO YOU
YOU MUST CHOOSE WHAT TO PURSUE
SET YOUR MIND ON WHAT TO FIND
MORE
N
tio
AH
uc
ru
LAKER GIRLS
I-40
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO
W
pr
od
KNIGHTS (WITHOUT ARTHUR)
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL.
uc
Pe
ENSEMBLE
AH!
AH!
AH!
TR
(They descend the mountain only to turn and scamper back,
handing their beacons to PATSY. ARTHUR remains at the top
of the mountain as he speaks the next verse.
The KNIGHTS all ride their horses in slow-motion as he intones
the words seriously)
ARTHUR
ot
fo
r
(Spoken in rhythm:)
When your life
Seems to drift
When we all
Need a lift
Trim your sail
You won't fail
Find your Grail
Find Your Grail
(Sings:)
N
tio
ru
(The CHORUS emerges with banners that read "Support Our
Troops" "Quest for the Grail" "Go Arthur" etc. The GIRLS hand
the KNIGHTS Grail shaped beacons which they wave above
their heads like a bad Sixties production, until ARTHUR notices
and calls the KNIGHTS together to climb a cut out mountain
which slides on)
n
sa
l
SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
YOU'LL FIND YOUR
GOAL MY FRIEND
YOU WON'T FAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
I-41
LADY OF THE LAKE
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO,
YOU CAN'T DO!
(The LADY OF THE LAKE standing in a Terry Gilliam hand
holding a large cut out Terry Gilliam hand holding a beacon rises
behind the mountain)
WOMEN AND MEN
AH
SO KEEP RIGHT
sa
l
KNIGHTS AND LADY
SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
ru
AH
AH
AH
tio
Pe
YOU WON'T
FAIL
FIND YOUR GRIAL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
W
#14A In Search Of The Grail
uc
ALL
FIND YOUR GRAIL!
pr
od
TR
(The KNIGHTS break into a tight riding group with ARTHUR
in front as two other KNIGHTS alternately bring on labeled
buckets which they empty over the group)
KNIGHT 1
Spring!
(Empties pink blossoms over them)
KNIGHT 2
fo
r
Summer!
(Empties green leaves over them)
KNIGHT 1
Winter!
N
ot
(Empties snow over them)
Water!
n
TO THE END
AH,
AH….
FIND YOUR FRIEND
YOU'LL FIND
YOUR GOAL MY FRIEND
KNIGHT 2
(The KNIGHTS object and shove him away.
I-42
Two other KNIGHTS wrapped in a painted cyclorama unroll a
series of landscapes that provide a backdrop for our KNIGHTS
to ride by, to the appropriate music cue.
ARTHUR and PATSY are in China.
LANCE is sideways in Egypt before a pyramid.
ROBIN with a ukulele is in Hawaii before a volcano.
sa
l
GALAHAD does a Swiss lederhosen dance in front of snow
capped mountains.
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
Finally the two bucket KNIGHTS ENTER from opposite sides
and sweep the stage clear of scattered debris. They stare at the
audience totally disinterested)
I-43
Scene Eleven: The French Castle
(KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS arrive at the foot of the
castle, and dismount)
ARTHUR
Halt! Hello! Hello!
sa
l
(The TAUNTER, a silly mustachioed Frenchman, appears in the
battlements of the castle)
Pe
TAUNTER
This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard! The French bastard.
tio
ru
ARTHUR
It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
n
TAUNTER
'Allo! Who is it?
uc
ARTHUR
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us
food and shelter for the night he may join us on our quest for the Holy Grail.
TR
What?
pr
od
W
TAUNTER
Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR
GALAHAD
He says they've already got one!
ARTHUR
Are you sure he's got one?
fo
r
TAUNTER
Oh, yes, it's very nice.
(Aside)
Hey! I told him we already got one!
N
Tee hee.
ot
(The FRENCH GUARDS titter in mirth. We see only their
helmets nodding in glee)
Well, can we come in and have a look?
GUARDS
ARTHUR
I-44
TAUNTER
Of course not! You are English bed-wetting types!
ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?
TAUNTER
I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?
sa
l
ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take this castle by force!
n
ru
TAUNTER
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow
my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets.
tio
ARTHUR
Now look here my good man!
GALAHAD
pr
od
W
Is there someone else we could talk to?
uc
Pe
TAUNTER
I don't want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers!... I fart in your
general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go
away or I shall taunt you a second time.
TR
TAUNTER
Hey, no chance, son of a window-dresser! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you tinybrained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR
I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to
which God himself has guided us!
fo
r
TAUNTER
Well, I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you cheesy lot of
second-hand electric donkey bottom biters. Thppt!
(Blows a raspberry)
FRENCHIES
Thppt.
ot
(The hands of the FRENCH KNIGHTS make very rude gestures
between the battlements)
ROBIN
N
They're using rude gestures, sir.
GALAHAD
The fiends. They haven't an ounce of chivalry.
I-45
ARTHUR
What do we do, Bedevere?
BEDEVERE
Well, I believe it's time for Plan B, Sire. My secret weapon.
ARTHUR
If you do not cease to taunt us, we shall be forced to bring out our secret weapon.
Pe
(BEDEVERE pulls a large wooden rabbit in from Stage Right)
Wow.
TR
#14B The Rabbit
ROBIN
pr
od
W
(The KNIGHTS are very impressed)
uc
BEDEVERE
The wooden rabbit, Sire! It's the very latest in modern technology.
tio
ru
ARTHUR
Right that's it. They have a nasty shock coming to them. Bedevere. What the hell is that?
ARTHUR
How does it work?
BEDEVERE
Well, the beauty of it is its simplicity. We just leave it here and walk away.
fo
r
(The ENGLISH withdraw.
The French heads appear one by one horizontally in the gateway.
ot
The last head slides underneath the others. They contemplate the
Rabbit)
TAUNTER
Qu'est ce-que c'est?
N
What?
What is thees?
FRENCHIE
TAUNTER
n
sa
l
TAUNTER
Oh, no. Oh, gee We are so scared. Oh, hey, did I mention before to you… Thhppt.
(The TAUNTER runs his head across, up and down the
battlements before disappearing)
I-46
FRENCHIE
C'est un lapin, un grand lapin de bois.
TAUNTER
A what?
FRENCHIE
A rabbit. A large, wooden rabbit.
sa
l
TAUNTER
Oh, a large, wooden rabbit. How very very very nice. What is it doing here?
ru
n
FRENCHIE
Perhaps it is Art.
tio
FRENCHIES
Oh, Arte!
uc
Pe
TAUNTER
Oh, yes. Of course. It is Arte. Hey, French people! Come outside and have a look at our big new
piece of Arte.
pr
od
W
(Cliché FRENCH PEOPLE ENTER through the gateway. Men
with matelot shirts and baguettes and berets, a painter in a
smock, a mime and the girl from "Les Miserables" in the
raincoat and hat, all making appreciative French-sounding ad
libs)
TR
TAUNTER
It is very big, you know, but what does it mean?
(The MIME mimes the meaning of the Rabbit)
fo
r
TAUNTER (CONT'D)
Oh, of course. So simple. Say no more.
ALL
Brilliant!
Oui! Oui!
Formidable!
ot
TAUNTER
Bring the rabbit into the castle. We will hang it in the Salon next to the Renoir. But first let us see
if the rabbit has any chocolate inside. It may be some kind of Easter thing.
N
(The FRENCH pull the Rabbit off, as the English emerge
gleefully)
ARTHUR
Brilliant plan, Bedevere. They fell for it completely. What happens now?
I-47
BEDEVERE
Well, we wait until nightfall and then we all leap out of the rabbit.
ARTHUR
What?
sa
l
BEDEVERE
We all leap out… of the …oh, dear... I forgot a bit. Supposing we were to build a large wooden
badger...?
ARTHUR
Shut up.
n
ru
(The TAUNTER appears again over the battlements)
tio
#16 Run Away!
(A FRENCH KNIGHT appears)
FRENCHIE
TR
And… Fetchez la vache!
pr
od
W
Fetchez le catapult!
uc
Pe
TAUNTER
The rabbit, she is empty! You have sent us an empty rabbit! That is too much for we French. Now
we will make you pay from your very bowels. Fetchez le catapult!
TAUNTER
FRENCHIE
Fetchez la vache!
ARTHUR
What's a la vache?
fo
r
BEDEVERE
Sire, if I'm not mistaken, la vache means "the cow."
PATSY
What could they possibly do with a cow?
ot
(A life size cow comes flying over the ramparts of the castle,
landing on PATSY and knocking him flat on his back.
N
The FRENCH KNIGHTS APPEAR on the battlements laughing
and taunting the English. They have long straight heraldic
trumpets)
I-48
FRENCHIES
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA
sa
l
YOU ENGLISH ARE ALL BUGGER FOLK
YOUR MOTHERS ARE ALL RUGGER FOLK
YOUR ARMY IS A BLOODY JOKE
YOU COULDN'T BEAT AN ARTICHOKE.
IF BATTLE YOU CHOOSE TO RENEW
WE'LL TAUNT YOU TILL YOU ALL TURN BLUE
WE TURN OUR ARSES AS YOU PART
IN YOUR DIRECTION WE ALL FART.
n
ru
(The FRENCH KNIGHTS turn around, put the trumpets to their
posteriors and fart)
Pe
BRITS
Run away!
pr
od
TR
W
BRITS AND FRENCH
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN,
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY!
uc
(The ENGLISH run into a line of Can-Can girls, and men in
Can-Can skirts emerging from the Gateway)
fo
r
(Crazy French Chase!)
ROBIN
Ooh
ROBIN, ARTHUR, BEDEVRE, AND PATSY
ot
La, la!
ALL
RUN AWAY!
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
RUN AWAY.,RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
N
tio
TAUNTER
Fetchez Le Can-Can Dancers!
I-49
(The Portcullis descends separating the French from the English
who are now downstage in a small group.
As they run away, on the spot, the Castle — on projection —
retreats behind them into the distance, while small animals rain
down on them)
sa
l
ARTHUR
WE'RE STUCK IN A NASTY POSITION
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHORT INTERMISSION
HAVE A DRINK AND A PEE
WE'LL BE BACK FOR ACT THREE
ru
n
PATSY
TWO, SIR.
tio
ARTHUR
TWO.
uc
Pe
ALL
RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!
pr
od
INTERMISSION
N
ot
fo
r
TR
W
(On projection — if used — the wooden rabbit flies out of the
distant castle hovers in the air over their heads before landing
and smashing itself to pieces)
II-1
#17 Entr'acte
ACT TWO
Scene One: The Mighty Portcullis
(HISTORIAN ENTERS)
#17A The Very Expensive Forest
n
sa
l
HISTORIAN
Defeat, at the castle in Act One, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of
the French taunting took him completely by surprise. King Arthur and his Knights fled for their
lives and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest.
N
ot
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
(The Portcullis rises to reveal a forest)
II-2
Scene Two: A very expensive Forest
(KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY)
ARTHUR
This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled and we're lost in a dark and extremely
expensive forest.
($ signs — or local currency — appear projected in the trees)
sa
l
FX Ch-ching [Cash register])
n
PATSY
Well, it could be worse.
ru
ARTHUR
tio
How could it possibly be worse?
VOICE
Pe
Ni!
TR
Ni Peng! Ni Wom! Ni.
pr
od
W
VOICE
Ni!
uc
ARTHUR
Oh, no.
VOICES
(The KNIGHTS OF NI wear furry cloaks and distinctive helmets
with huge antlers. [They are played by the GIRL DANCERS.]
fo
r
THE PRINCIPAL KNIGHT OF NI stands on stilts, hidden by
his long robe. He carries a staff with an owl's head to support
himself)
ARTHUR
Who are you?
NI KNIGHT:
ot
We are the Knights Who Say… Ni!
ARTHUR
No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
N
NI KNIGHT
The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni Peng, and Ni-wom!
Ni-wom!
VOICE
II-3
ARTHUR
Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
PATSY
Oh, great.
NI KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
sa
l
ARTHUR
Oh, Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
ru
n
NI KNIGHT
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
tio
ARTHUR
Oh, ow!
ARTHUR
We want… a shrubbery!
TR
A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
NI KNIGHT
pr
od
W
Well, what is it that you want?
uc
Pe
NI KNIGHT
We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
NI KNIGHTS
ARTHUR
Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?
fo
r
NI KNIGHT
If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a
herring.
(The KNIGHT produces a large herring from his costume)
NI KNIGHTS
A Herring! Herring! Herring!
ot
(PATSY and ARTHUR exchange glances)
ARTHUR
N
All right. We'll find you a shrubbery.
NI KNIGHT
Good! You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this
wood alive!
II-4
(The KNIGHTS all EXIT)
ARTHUR
Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
PATSY
Well, maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
sa
l
ARTHUR
Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would
be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights; two, seek and find the Holy Grail; and five…
ru
n
PATSY
Three, sir.
tio
#18 Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
Pe
ARTHUR
PATSY
What do they say, Patsy?
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say…
uc
Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
fo
r
TR
PATSY
SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE BAD,
THEY CAN REALLY MAKE YOU MAD.
OTHER THINGS JUST MAKE YOU SWEAR AND CURSE.
WHEN YOU'RE CHEWING ON LIFE'S GRISTLE,
DON'T GRUMBLE, GIVE A WHISTLE!
AND THIS'LL HELP THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BEST...
AND...
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
(Whistles)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Speaks:)
You try it...
ot
(ARTHUR fails to whistle)
N
PATSY (CONT'D)
(Sings:)
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN,
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN!
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING,
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS,
II-5
DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS,
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE, THAT'S THE THING!
AND…
(A chorus line of KNIGHTS ENTER singing and whistling)
(Clap of thunder. It begins to rain heavily.
TR
(Whistles)
pr
od
W
ARTHUR
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF DEATH!
uc
PATSY runs and picks up an umbrella which he holds over
ARTHUR'S head)
CHORUS
ARTHUR
JUST BEFORE YOU DRAW YOUR TERMINAL BREATH.
CHORUS
fo
r
(Whistles)
ARTHUR
LIFE'S A PIECE OF SHIT,
WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT.
LIFE'S A LAUGH AND DEATH'S A JOKE, IT'S TRUE.
ot
PATSY
YOU'LL SEE IT'S ALL A SHOW,
KEEP 'EM LAUGHING AS YOU GO.
(ARTHUR grabs PATSY'S umbrella)
N
tio
Pe
ru
PATSY
(The KNIGHTS sing back-up "Ooos")
FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD,
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD.
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW!
FORGET ABOUT YOUR SIN — GIVE THE AUDIENCE A GRIN,
ENJOY IT — IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE ANYHOW!
n
sa
l
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE...
(Whistles)
(Whistles)
ARTHUR
JUST REMEMBER THAT THE LAST LAUGH IS ON YOU!
II-6
KNIGHTS
(Whistle)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
(Whistle)
(PATSY and the KNIGHTS go into a Tap Break with the
umbrellas)
sa
l
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
(Whistle)
ARTHUR
uc
Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
pr
od
W
(MRS. GALAHAD ENTERS pulling a small low cart with a
shrubbery on it)
MOTHER
Yes, I was just throwing it out; the cat won't leave it alone.
TR
ARTHUR
What a stroke of luck! I'll take it off your hands.Thank you, Patsy!
fo
r
ARTHUR AND PATSY
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE OF LIFE…
SIDE OF LIFE…
SIDE OF LIFE...!
ot
(PATSY and ARTHUR end triumphantly – though the KING
insists PATSY makes a back for him to sit on.
A clap of thunder.
PATSY and ARTHUR EXIT hurriedly holding their shrubbery)
N
tio
ru
Pe
PATSY AND ARTHUR
FOR LIFE IS QUITE ABSURD
AND DEATH'S THE FINAL WORD
YOU MUST ALWAYS FACE THE CURTAIN WITH A BOW.
n
PATSY
Follow me, Sire!
# 18A Bright Side Playoff
# 19 Brave Sir Robin
II-7
Scene Three: Sir Robin and His Minstrels
(ENTER through the Gateway SIR ROBIN with four
MINSTRELS playing fife, lute, tambourine and tabor.
They skip and dance down stage, ROBIN'S smile freezing fast as
he listens to the lyrics)
That's… enough music for now, lads.
TR
(Thunder.
ROBIN
pr
od
W
(ROBIN puts his finger firmly on the tambourine)
uc
Pe
HIS HEAD SMASHED IN AND HIS HEART CUT OUT,
AND HIS LIVER REMOVED AND HIS BOWELS UNPLUGGED,
AND HIS NOSTRILS RAPED AND HIS BOTTOM BURNED OFF,
AND HIS PENIS SPLIT AND HIS…
A terrifying BLACK KNIGHT ENTERS)
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass!
fo
r
ROBIN
Hva….Hva….Oo!
(ROBIN holds his backside. Some disaster has occurred in his
pants. He turns and runs away, holding his butt.
ot
After a beat his MUSICIANS pursue him)
MINSTREL
BRAVE SIR ROBIN RAN AWAY!
BRAVELY RAN AWAY, AWAY
LET US PRAISE THAT MAN ALL DAY
WHO SOILED HIS PANTS AND THEN RAN AWAY…
WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD,
HE SIMLPY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD…
N
tio
ru
HE WAS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARED TO BE MASHED INTO A PULP,
OR TO HAVE HIS EYES GOUGED OUT, AND HIS ELBOWS BROKEN.
TO HAVE HIS KNEECAPS SPLIT, AND HIS BODY BURNED AWAY,
AND HIS LIMBS ALL HACKED AND MANGLED, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
n
sa
l
MINSTREL
BRAVELY BOLD SIR ROBIN, RODE FORTH FROM CAMELOT.
HE WAS NOT AFRAID TO DIE, O BRAVE SIR ROBIN.
HE WAS NOT AT ALL AFRAID TO BE KILLED IN NASTY WAYS.
BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE SIR ROBIN!
II-8
Scene Four: The Black Knight
(KING ARTHUR rides in with PATSY holding the shrubbery.
The BLACK KNIGHT bars his way)
ARTHUR
Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men. Would you care to join us?
BLACK KNIGHT
sa
l
None shall pass!
ARTHUR
I see. Well, good sir knight I have no quarrel with you, but I must pass this way.
ru
tio
Pe
ARTHUR
I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
So be it!
uc
I move for no man.
#19A The Black Knight
TR
(KING ARTHUR draws his sword and after a short battle chops
the BLACK KNIGHT'S left arm off)
ARTHUR
Now yield, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT
fo
r
'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT
ot
No, it isn't.
ARTHUR
Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT
N
I've had worse.
You liar!
n
BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.
ARTHUR
II-9
BLACK KNIGHT
Come on, you pansy!
(The fight continues. Soon ARTHUR chops the BLACK
KNIGHT'S right arm off.
ARTHUR makes a triumphant gesture and then kneels in prayer)
sa
l
ARTHUR
Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy —
n
(The armless BLACK KNIGHT kicks ARTHUR in the buttocks
while he is praying)
Come on then.
tio
ru
BLACK KNIGHT
Pe
ARTHUR
What?
TR
Oh, had enough, eh?
pr
od
W
ARTHUR
You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
uc
BLACK KNIGHT
Have at you!
BLACK KNIGHT
ARTHUR
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT
Yes, I have.
fo
r
ARTHUR
Look!
BLACK KNIGHT
It's just a flesh wound. You yellow bastard! I'll bite your legs off! You chickenshit, lily-livered,
upper class twit.
N
ot
(The BLACK KNIGHT backs up to the comparative darkness of
the Gateway, where he hides the lower part of his body behind a
trick door while the MONK ENTERS with a large basket
distracting the attention of the audience)
II-10
MONK
Alms for the poor! Alms for the poor!
(The MONK picks up an arm and puts it in the basket. PATSY
gives him the other arm)
MONK (CONT'D)
Arms for the poor! Arms for the poor!
(EXITS)
sa
l
BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs! I'm invincible!
Pe
BLACK KNIGHT
(ARTHUR swipes at the BLACK KNIGHT'S legs)
BLACK KNIGHT (CONT'D)
pr
od
W
Ha! You missed me!
uc
Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken.
TR
(Both his legs flop on the stage)
Come on, Patsy!
ARTHUR
BLACK KNIGHT
All right, we'll call it a tie.
(Alt: All right, we'll call it a draw)
fo
r
(ARTHUR rides off, leaving the legless, armless BLACK
KNIGHT pinioned to the castle)
BLACK KNIGHT (CONT'D)
(Sings:)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE….
ot
#19B Brave Sir Robin – Reprise
N
tio
ru
(ARTHUR runs a sword through the BLACK KNIGHT'S chest
pinning him to the castle door)
n
ARTHUR
You're a loony.
II-11
Scene Five: Another Part of the Expensive Forest
(ENTER ROBIN upstage right pursued by his MINSTRELS)
MINSTREL
HE WAS RUNNING AWAY AND CHICKENING OUT
ROBIN
No!
sa
l
MINSTREL
AND BUGGERING OFF AND PISSING OFF HOME
ru
tio
MINSTREL
WHEN DANGER REARED ITS UGLY HEAD
Pe
ROBIN
TR
Robin! Are you running away?
pr
od
W
(ARTHUR and PATSY ENTER)
uc
Don't you have another song?
MINSTREL
HE SIMPLY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD…
n
ROBIN
It's not true!
ARTHUR
ROBIN
No, no, Sire, I was not running away. I was running to where I thought the Grail might be… Sort
of over here.
(The KNIGHT OF NI has slipped on and scares him)
fo
r
NI KNIGHT
Hello!
ROBIN
Ah!
ot
(ROBIN holds his pants. There may have been another accident)
NI KNIGHT
So I come again, unexpectedly!
N
ROBIN
You stupid idiot, that really scared me, it is so…
II-12
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Don't say that word.
ROBIN
What word?
sa
l
HEAD KNIGHT
I cannot tell; suffice to say that's one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
n
ROBIN
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
ru
KNIGHTS
Pe
HEAD KNIGHT
No, not is – you wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
ARTHUR
TR
Aaaaugh!
pr
od
W
Oh, stop it!
uc
ARTHUR
What is?
tio
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! He said the word again!
KNIGHTS
HEAD KNIGHT
Stop saying the word!
ROBIN
Is it stop?
fo
r
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Oh, you said it again! Oh, I just said it! Oh I said it again! Oh, that's three times I've said it!
ot
(ARTHUR grabs the shrubbery from PATSY)
N
ARTHUR
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.
Oooooo….
NI KNIGHTS
II-13
ARTHUR
May we pass now?
NI KNIGHT
Hm. That is a good shrubbery. I like the cat smell particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR
And what is that?
sa
l
NI KNIGHT
We are now... no longer The Knights Who Say Ni.
n
OTHERS
Ni!
tio
ru
NI KNIGHT
Shh shh. We are now The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-f'tang-f'tang- boing-boing-olé
biscuit barrel… (etc. ad lib) Therefore, we must give you a new test.
TR
Oh, yes!
But not an Andrew Lloyd Webber.
ROBIN
pr
od
W
NI KNIGHT
The new test is you must put on a Broadway musical.
NI KNIGHT
ALL
fo
r
Ahhh.
No.
No.
NI KNIGHT
C'mon lets go book seats on the web.
(EXITS)
NI KNIGHTS
ot
Ecky, ecky, F'tang, F'tang…
ARTHUR
Have you heard of this Broadway?
N
#19C Broadway Underscore
Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance.
uc
Pe
ARTHUR
What is this test, O Knights of Ecky ecky…O Artists formerly known as The Knights who say
Ni?
ROBIN
II-14
ARTHUR
Why not?
(ROBIN steps toward the audience)
ROBIN
Because Broadway…
sa
l
(Underscore begins)
Pe
#20 You Won't Succeed On Broadway
ROBIN
Well, let me put it like this.
n
tio
ARTHUR
But who are these special people?
uc
ru
ROBIN (CONT'D)
… is a very special place, filled with very special people; people who can sing and dance, often at
the same time. They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people who need people,
who are in many ways the luckiest people in the world. I'm sorry, Sire, but we don't have a
chance.
pr
od
W
(ARTHUR and PATSY sit on stools, as ROBIN begins his song)
ROBIN (CONT'D)
fo
r
TR
(Spoken in rhythm:)
IN ANY GREAT ADVENTURE
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE
VICTORY DEPENDS UPON
THE PEOPLE THAT YOU CHOOSE
SO LISTEN, ARTHUR, DARLING
CLOSELY TO THIS NEWS
WE WON'T SUCCEED IN BROADWAY.
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS.
ot
YOU MAY HAVE THE FINEST SETS
FILL THE STAGE WITH PENTHOUSE PETS
YOU MAY HAVE THE LOVELIEST COSTUMES AND BEST SHOES
YOU MAY DANCE AND YOU MAY SING
BUT I'M SORRY, ARTHUR KING,
YOU'LL HEAR NO CHEERS JUST LOTS AND LOTS OF BOOS
N
BOO!
MINSTRELS
II-15
ROBIN
(Sings:)
YOU MAY HAVE BUTCH MEN BY THE SCORE
WHOM THE AUDIENCE ADORE
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME ANIMALS FROM ZOOS
(MINSTRELS make animal sounds)
n
sa
l
ROBIN (CONT'D)
(Spoken in rhythm:)
THOUGH YOU'VE POLES AND KRAUTS INSTEAD
YOU MAY HAVE UNLEAVENED BREAD
BUT I TELL YOU YOU ARE DEAD
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS
uc
pr
od
W
Pe
ROBIN (CONT'D)
THEY WON'T CARE IF IT'S WITTY
OR EVERYTHING LOOKS PRETTY
THEY'LL SIMPLY SAY IT'S SHITTY, AND REFUSE.
NOBODY WILL GO, SIR
IF IT'S NOT KOSHER, THEN NO SHOW, SIR
EVEN GOYIM WON'T BE DIM ENOUGH TO CHOOSE
(Sings:)
PUT ON SHOWS THAT MAKE MEN STARE
WITH LOTS OF GIRLS IN UNDERWEAR
tio
ru
(Three GIRLS wearing Stars of David dance sedately then break
into an extravagant tap)
TR
(LOVELY LADY in high heels and sexy white lingerie walks
across)
ROBIN (CONT'D)
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE THE FINEST OF REVIEWS
LOVELY LADY
fo
r
You're doin' great!
ot
ROBIN
(Spoken in rhythm:)
BUT THE AUDIENCES WON'T CARE, SIR
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DARE, SIR
TO OPEN UP ON BROADWAY
ARTHUR AND PATSY
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS!
N
ROBIN
YOU MAY HAVE DRAMATIC LIGHTING
AND LOTS OF HORRID FIGHTING
MORE
II-16
ROBIN (CONT'D)
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME WHITE MEN SING THE BLUES
YOUR KNIGHTS MAY BE NICE BOYS
BUT SADLY WE'RE ALL GOYS
AND THAT NOISE THAT YOU CALL SINGING YOU MUST LOSE.
(Speaking turns into singing:)
SO DESPITE YOUR PRETTY LIGHTS
NAUGHTY GIRLS IN NASTY TIGHTS
tio
Pe
ru
ROBIN (CONT'D)
AND THE MOST IMPRESSIVE SCENERY YOU USE
(Spoken in rhythm:)
YOU MAY HAVE DANCING MANO E MANO
YOU MAY BRING ON A PIANO
BUT THEY WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN-O
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS.
n
sa
l
(This time two LOVELY GIRLS in white lingerie cross from
stage left)
uc
(Two MINSTRELS bring on a piano, and then place a Hanukkah
candelabra on it.
W
ROBIN removes his gloves and plays a short cadenza on the
piano.
pr
od
Then he stands and dramatically throws his arms in the air
suddenly becoming Tevye.
TR
The CHORUS ENTER with hats and Grails which they place on
their hats and perform a "Fiddler on the Roof" bottle dance.
A CHORUS LADY ENTERS pulling a small cart with a bale of
hay.
fo
r
They all point to it)
ALL
HEY!
ROBIN
ot
(Sings:)
AH! AH!
YOU MAY FILL YOUR PLAYS WITH GAYS
HAVE NIGERIAN GIRLS IN STAYS
N
WOMEN
YOU MAY EVEN HAVE SOME SHIKSAS MAKING STEWS.
II-17
MEN
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A JEW
ALL OF YOUR INVESTMENTS YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE
ROBIN
THERE'S A VERY SMALL PERCENTILE
WHO ENJOYS A DANCING GENTILE
I'M SAD TO BE THE ONE WITH THIS BAD NEWS
n
ru
sa
l
ALL
BUT NEVER MIND YOUR SWORDPLAY
YOU JUST WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
YOU JUST DON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JEWS.
Pe
ROBIN is thrown a cane and a skull cap)
uc
pr
od
W
ROBIN
(Spoken)
Papa, can you hear me?!
(Sings:)
TO GET ALONG ON BROADWAY
TO SING YOUR SONG ON BROADWAY
TO HIT THE TOP ON BROADWAY AND NOT LOSE
I TELL YOU, ARTHUR KING, THERE IS ONE ESSENTIAL THING
TR
(A huge Star of David in light bulbs descends)
ROBIN (CONT'D)
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS.
THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, ARTHUR, TRUST ME
SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS.
fo
r
(Tableau)
#20A Broadway Playoff
(And the red velvet curtain falls leaving ROBIN with ARTHUR
and PATSY)
ot
ARTHUR
Gosh. Well I suppose we'd better go and find some Jews then.
N
(And they ride off)
tio
(A Proscenium arch appears with a red velvet curtain.
II-18
Scene Six: Yet Another Part of the Expensive Forest
(LANCE rides in with his page CONCORDE. He is a very
flashy rider)
LANCE
Here we go, Concorde. And side saddle. Well done. And backwards, lovely. And Big jump, very
Big jump. And steady, and over we go. Well taken, Concorde.
CONCORDE
sa
l
Thank you, sir.
(CONCORD gets an arrow in the chest which knocks him flat
backwards on his pack)
tio
ru
(LANCE pulls the message from the arrow and reads)
n
CONCORDE
Message for you, sir.
CONCORDE
pr
od
W
Cry of distress, sir?
uc
Pe
LANCE
"To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp
Castle." At last! A erm…?
TR
LANCE
A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the… er… small shining drinking
object… erm…
CONCORDE
The Holy Grail, sir.
fo
r
LANCE
Exactly. Well done, Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE
I'm not quite dead, sir.
LANCE
Oh, I see.
ot
CONCORDE
Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you…
N
LANCE
No, no, no sweet Concorde! Deeds like this must be accomplished…
Single handedly?
CONCORDE
II-19
LANCE
Yes I knew that one. Single handedly. So, stay here, take your lunch, and I shall return as soon as
I have accomplished a heroic and daring… thing where you free someone from jeopardy…
CONCORDE
Rescue?
LANCE
sa
l
Rescue. Thank you. Farewell, Concorde!
(LANCE rides off heroically
n
CONCORDE rises painfully and EXITS banging his coconuts)
N
ot
tio
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
Ow! Ow! Ow!
uc
ru
CONCORDE
II-20
Scene Seven: On stage at Spamalot.
(The red plush curtain descends.
An irate LADY OF THE LAKE, in a dressing gown revealing a
fine bustier underneath, storms on. She snaps her fingers for her
spotlight, glares at the CONDUCTOR and waves her hand for
her music)
tio
uc
Pe
ru
LADY OF THE LAKE
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
IT WAS EXCITING AT THE START
NOW WE'RE HALF-WAY THROUGH ACT TWO
AND I'VE HAD NOTHING YET TO DO
I'VE BEEN OFF STAGE FOR FAR TOO LONG
IT'S AGES SINCE I HAD A SONG
THIS IS ONE UNHAPPY DIVA
THE PRODUCER'S A DECEIVER
SHE TOLD ME TO BELIEVE HER
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN SING FROM MY HEART.
pr
od
W
MY LOVE LIFE IS A MESS
I'VE GOT CONSTANT P.M.S.
MY CAREER IS ABOUT AS HOT AS ICE
THEY HATE ME THERE BACKSTAGE
THEY SAY I'M TOO OLD FOR MY AGE
THEY'RE TRYING TO REPLACE ME WITH POSH SPICE.
WITH POSH SPICE!
TR
ot
fo
r
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY SHOW?
I WAS A HIT NOW I DON'T KNOW
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF BRITISH KNIGHTS
PRANCING 'ROUND IN WOOLY TIGHTS!
I MIGHT AS WELL GO TO THE PUB
THEY'VE BEEN OUT SEARCHING FOR A SHRUB
OUT SHOPPING FOR A BUSH
WELL THEY CAN KISS MY TUSH
IT SEEMS TO ME THEY'VE REALLY LOST THE PLOT
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY
I'LL CALL MY AGENT, DAMMIT
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY
NOT YOURS NOT YOURS
BUT MY PART!
(She receives a bouquet thrown up by the CONDUCTOR and
EXITS happily)
N
n
sa
l
#21 Whatever Happened To My Part?
II-21
Scene Eight: Prince Herbert's Chamber in Swamp Castle.
(The Prince's Chamber is on the bridge above the Gateway, with
a large window with rather gay curtains.
A very pasty-faced PRINCE HERBERT, holding a bow from
whence he has just fired the arrow into CONCORDE, sings
earnestly)
What, the curtains?
pr
od
TR
W
FATHER
Stop that! Stop all that singing.
(Mounts the stairs at high speed)
Listen, lad, one day all this will be yours!
uc
(FATHER ENTERS through the Gateway in haste and stops the
orchestra playing)
tio
Pe
ru
HERBERT
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU, MY HEART'S DESIRE?
MY HEART IS TRUE
BUT WHERE ARE YOU?
ONLY YOU CAN QUENCH THE FIRE
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU?
n
sa
l
#22 Where Are You?
HERBERT
FATHER
No, not the curtains! All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land!
This will be your kingdom!
fo
r
HERBERT
But, Mother…
FATHER
Father.
ot
#22A Where Are You? #2
N
HERBERT
Father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather…
Rather what?!
FATHER
II-22
HERBERT
I'd rather… just…...sing!
(Sings:)
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU…
FATHER
Stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. In twenty minutes you're getting married
to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
sa
l
HERBERT
But I don't want land.
ru
n
FATHER
Listen, Alice…
tio
HERBERT
Herbert.
HERBERT
But I don't like her.
pr
od
W
#22B Where Are You? #3
uc
Pe
FATHER
Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need land.
TR
FATHER
Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge… tracts of land.
fo
r
HERBERT
I know, but I want the person I marry to have... a certain... special... something…
(Sings:)
AND ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CONTRACTED THE PLAGUE
OR FELL INTO THE SWAMP…
WHILE ANOTHER HUNDRED PEOPLE JUST CON…
FATHER
Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards!
(As FATHER descends the stairs, TWO GUARDS carrying
halberds ENTER)
ot
FATHER (CONT'D)
Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
N
GUARD #1
Right! Not… to leave the room… even if you come and get him.
No, no. Until I come and get him.
FATHER
II-23
GUARD #1
Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHER
No…You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
…and you'll come and get him.
sa
l
FATHER
That's right.
n
ru
GUARD #1
We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
FATHER
Can he leave the room with us?
GUARD #1
pr
od
W
Got it?
uc
Pe
GUARD #1
Leaving the room…. yes.
tio
FATHER
Leaving the room.
TR
FATHER
(Carefully)
No….it's simple... keep him in here… and make sure….
GUARD #1
Oh, yes! We'll keep him in here, obviously.But if he had to leave…and we were with him…
FATHER
fo
r
No… just keep him in here.
GUARD #1
Until you, or anyone else…
FATHER
N
Just you.
ot
No. Not anyone else, just me.
Get back.
GUARD #1
FATHER
II-24
GUARD #1
Got it. We'll remain here until you get back.
FATHER
And make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1
What?
FATHER
sa
l
Make sure he doesn't leave.
n
GUARD #1
The Prince…?
Yes, make sure…
tio
ru
FATHER
FATHER
Oh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.
GUARD #1
pr
od
W
Is that clear?
uc
Pe
GUARD #1
Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him…you know, it seemed a bit daft, me having to guard
him when he's a guard.
TR
(FATHER turns and starts to leave through the Gateway and
they follow him)
FATHER
Where are you going?
GUARD #1
fo
r
We're coming with you.
FATHER
No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I get back.
#22C Where Are You? #4
GUARD #1
ot
Oh, I see, right.
N
But, Father!
HERBERT
II-25
FATHER
Oh, just shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
(Music up)
FATHER (CONT'D)
And no singing!
(FATHER EXITS.
sa
l
Shouts offstage. Screams. The GUARDS smile happily)
LANCE rushes in, his sword drawn and bloody)
Pe
GUARD #2
Hic.
n
(LANCE stabs him)
tio
ru
GUARD #1
Ah. Now you're not to leave the room until…
uc
(LANCE stabs him too and races up the stairs to kneel before the
PRINCE)
You got my note?
pr
od
TR
W
LANCE
Oh fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, I have come to
take you….away …and oh …I'm terribly sorry…
HERBERT
LANCE
Well… I got a note.
HERBERT
fo
r
You've come to rescue me?
#22D Here You Are
LANCE
Well, yes, but I hadn't realized…
N
ot
HERBERT
I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there… there must be…
(Sings:)
HERE ARE YOU
HERE ARE YOU,
HERE ARE YOU, SIR LANCELOT…
(FATHER rushes in)
II-26
FATHER
Stop that! Who are you?
PRINCE
I'm your son.
FATHER
Not you.
sa
l
LANCE
I'm Sir Lancelot from Camelot, sir.
LANCE
They're wonderful! Wherever did you find them?
TR
Excuse me! Did you kill those guards?
pr
od
W
HERBERT
Well, there's a little chap with a stock of adorable fabrics…
tio
Pe
HERBERT
Aren't they?
uc
ru
LANCE
Well, let's not jump to conclusions…. Say, these are nice curtains.
n
PRINCE
He's come to rescue me, father.
FATHER
LANCE
Yes... I'm very sorry. But I can explain everything…
fo
r
HERBERT
Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope here all ready.
He throws a rope made of knotted sheets, tied to the castle rampart, out of the window.
FATHER
You killed eight wedding guests.
ot
LANCE
Er, well, the thing is… I thought your son… was a lady.
FATHER
N
I can understand that.
(Half out of the window)
Hurry, brave Sir Lancelot.
HERBERT
II-27
FATHER
You killed the bride's father.
LANCE
Oh, no. Oh, dear. I didn't really mean to…
FATHER
Didn't mean to? You put your sword through his head.
sa
l
LANCE
Gosh, is he all right?
ru
tio
LANCE
Oh, well, now she was asking for it, sir. Wearing white and crying.
Pe
FATHER
I am ready, Sir Lancelot. I am ready…
uc
This is going to cost me a fortune.
HERBERT
n
FATHER
You kicked the bride in the chest!
pr
od
W
(FATHER nonchalantly slices the rope. HERBERT disappears.
TR
There is a pause then a thump from below. LANCE follows
FATHER down stairs)
FATHER
Would you like to come and have a drink?
LANCE
I say, sir. Was that entirely necessary? I do believe you just killed that poor little fellow.
fo
r
FATHER
Oh, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. After all, I am a recently bereaved father,
who has just lost his son, my boy Herbert, who has just fallen to his death.
(HERBERT is carried in, in the arms of CONCORDE)
HERBERT
N
Herbert.
ot
I'm not quite dead.
I'm feeling much better.
FATHER
HERBERT
II-28
FATHER
You fell from the Tall Tower, you creep!
HERBERT
No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER
How?!
sa
l
#23 He's Going To Tell
ru
(Music starts.
tio
The TWO GUARDS pick up their halberds and stand for a song)
FATHER
Pe
Not like that! Not like that!
uc
HERBERT
I'M GOING TO TELL!
TR
pr
od
W
CONCORDE AND THE TWO GUARDS
HE'S GOING TO TELL
I'M GOING TO TELL!
HERBERT
HE'S GOING TO TELL!
HERBERT
I'M GOING TO TELL!
fo
r
HE'S GOING TO TELL!
HERBERT
I'M GOING TO TELL
ot
(FATHER grabs a halberd from one of the GUARDS [then
GUARDS EXIT] and menaces his son.
LANCE interposes himself between the irate FATHER and the
terrified HERBERT)
N
n
HERBERT
Well, I'll tell you…
II-29
sa
l
LANCE
Leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and
affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no…
(Becoming emotional)
… I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off
to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes I know a
little bit about bullying fathers you bastard. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness?
Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding?
(Almost overcome)
Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!
n
FATHER
(Beat)
My god! You're gay.
uc
Pe
HERBERT
LANCELOT, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST FESS UP
REALLY, YOU'RE A DIFF'RENT KIND OF GUY
MOVE ASIDE YOUR SCABBARD
FOR UNDERNEATH YOUR TABARD
THERE IS WAITING TO ESCAPE A BUTTERFLY…
tio
ru
#24 His Name Is Lancelot
pr
od
W
(CONCORDE and HERBERT take away LANCES sword and
remove his tabard to reveal he is wearing a silver codpiece
underneath.
TR
The MEN ENTER in "Carnival in Rio" costumes shaking
maracas.
A very gay rumba numba begins)
MEN
fo
r
HIS…NAME... IS LANCELOT!
AND IN TIGHT PANTS A LOT
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT
YOU KNOW YOU DO
LANCE
(Spoken in rhythm:)
I DO?
N
ot
MEN
SO JUST SAY, "THANKS, A LOT!"
AND TRY ROMANCE,
(Spoken in rhythm:)
IT'S HOT!
(Singss:)
LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S REALLY YOU.
MORE
II-30
(LANCE finds himself in a John Travolta pose. To his horror his
hips begin moving uncontrollably to the beat, as the women sing
"La-las" under the MEN'S verse)
sa
l
MEN (CONT'D)
HIS NAME IS LANCELOT
HE VISITS FRANCE A LOT
HE LIKES TO DANCE A LOT AND DREAM
NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW
THAT THIS OUTRAGEOUS PRO
BATS FOR THE OTHER TEAM.
(A heavy disco beat.
W
Fluorescent Disco light.
TR
LANCE begins to enjoy himself, eventually dancing happily
with HERBERT.
Off-stage, woman singing obligato "la's")
ot
fo
r
MEN
HIS NAME IS LANCELOT
JUST WATCH HIM DANCE-A-LOT
HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY
(Finger snaps)
FOR WHEN HE STARTS TO
(Spoken in rhythm:)
DANCE
(Singss:)
JUST GRAB YOUR UNDERPANTS
N
HERBERT
HE CAN FINALLY COME OUT AND SAY THAT HE IS G.A.Y.
M.C.A.
HE'S GAY!
n
pr
od
The men dance outrageously.
uc
Pe
HERBERT
YOU'RE A KNIGHT WHO REALLY LIKES HIS NIGHT LIFE
AND BY DAY YOU REALLY LIKE TO PLAY
YOU CAN ALL FIND HIM PUMPING AT THE GYM
AT THE CAMELOT Y.M.C.A.!
tio
ru
(LANCE tries to escape from this nightmare but runs straight
into HERBERT who is wearing a very large Carmen Miranda
hat filled with fruit)
MEN
II-31
For the final tableau HERBERT slides through LANCE'S legs
with his hat and the banana perfectly positioned)
LANCE
(Spoken in rhythm:)
O.K.!
N
ot
n
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
sa
l
(As the disco beat plays them off, LANCE mimes "call me" as
he waves farewell to HERBERT)
II-32
Scene Nine: A Bridge Too Far
(ARTHUR and PATSY descend the stairs)
ARTHUR
Now how many Jews have we got so far?
PATSY
None, sir.
n
ru
sa
l
ARTHUR
It's hopeless. This is so depressing. I don't know a single Jewish person. And how are we going to
put on a Broadway show? Broadway's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet
been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command.
There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
W
(PATSY looks puzzled. There is him)
pr
od
TR
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I'M ALL ALONE
QUITE ALL ALONE
NO ONE TO COMFORT ME OR GUIDE ME
uc
Pe
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
(Sings:)
I'M ALL ALONE
ALL BY MYSELF
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE ME
tio
#25 I'm All Alone.
WHY IS THERE NO ONE HERE WITH ME
ON THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD?
TO LIFT MY HEAVY LOAD
fo
r
(PATSY looks at his heavy load)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
IF THERE WAS SOMEONE HERE WITH ME
HOW HAPPY I WOULD BE…
ot
(ARTHUR stares at PATSY and may be about to recognize him.
But no)
N
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
BUT I'M ALONE
SO ALL ALONE
JUST BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
I'M ALL ALONE
II-33
PATSY
HE'S ALL ALONE
ARTHUR
ALL BY MYSELF
PATSY
EXCEPT FOR ME
I CANNOT FACE TOMORROW
sa
l
ARTHUR
n
PATSY
HE CANNOT FACE IT!
Pe
ARTHUR
SO ALL ALONE
PATSY
pr
od
W
SO VERY NEAR
TR
ARTHUR
NO ONE TO SHARE MY SORROW.
fo
r
PATSY
YOU KNOW IT SEEMS QUITE CLEAR TO ME
BECAUSE I'M WORKING CLASS
I AM JUST THE HORSE'S ASS
HE SELLS ME DOWN THE RIVER
(Sung/spoken::)
RIVER
SO WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?
ARTHUR
BUT I'M ALONE
PATSY
ot
(Singss:)
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT
ARTHUR
N
SO ALL ALONE
I'M HERE, YOU TWAT.
tio
PATSY
THOUGH I AM HERE.
uc
I'M ALL ALONE
ru
ARTHUR
PATSY
II-34
ARTHUR
ALL BY MYSELF I'M ALL ALONE
(The stage fills with KNIGHTS)
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
HE'S ALL ALONE!
ARTHUR
sa
l
I'M ALL ALONE
n
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
ALL BY HIMSELF
ARTHUR
SO ALL ALONE
pr
od
W
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
APART FROM US
NO ONE TO COMFORT HIM OR GUIDE HIM
fo
r
TR
ARTHUR
(KNIGHTS sing background "ooo's")
EACH ONE OF US IS ALL ALONE
SO WHAT ARE WE TO DO
IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH?
(No more KNIGHTS)
WE MUST BE LONELY SIDE BY SIDE
IT'S A PERFECT WAY TO HIDE.
KNIGHTS
WE'RE ALL ALONE
ARTHUR
ot
WE'RE ALL ALONE
KNIGHTS
N
YES, ALL ALONE
SO ALL ALONE
EACH BY OURSELVES
WE'RE ALL… ALONE.
tio
Pe
PATSY AND KNIGHTS
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BESIDE HIM
HE'S ALL ALONE
uc
ALL BY MYSELF
ru
ARTHUR
ARTHUR
II-35
#26 The Song That Goes Like This – reprise
(The LADY OF THE LAKE descends the stairs)
LADY OF THE LAKE
But you're not alone Arthur. Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time. Who gave you
the sword, who made you King, who welcomed you to Camelot, who helped you off on your
quest?
sa
l
(ARTHUR realizing it was her)
n
Sure, I've been off stage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.
PATSY
Pe
No, sir.
ARTHUR
The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
LADY OF THE LAKE
pr
od
W
And so has Patsy.
ARTHUR
TR
Ah, yes, but… Patsy's family.
LADY OF THE LAKE
You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
ARTHUR
Can you help me put on a Broadway show?
fo
r
LADY OF THE LAKE
Yes. You're in a Broadway show.
(Sparkling stage effect.
ot
ARTHUR looks out at the audience)
Oh, my.
ARTHUR
LADY OF THE LAKE
You've been in a Broadway show all the time.
N
tio
Patsy, I'm not alone.
uc
ru
ARTHUR
II-36
ARTHUR
Oh. Who knew?
(To audience)
Are there any Jews here?
PATSY
The truth is, Sire, I'm Jewish.
ARTHUR
sa
l
You are?
n
PATSY
Yes, Sire, on my mother's side.
tio
Well, why didn't you say so?
ru
ARTHUR
Pe
PATSY
Well, it's not the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed Christian.
uc
ARTHUR
So now what?
pr
od
W
LADY OF THE LAKE
Well, you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a
wedding.
ARTHUR
TR
Well, who could I possibly marry?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Well, it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a sword,
to make you King, to welcome you to Camelot, to help you off on your quest…
fo
r
(ARTHUR is a little slow off the mark. PATSY whispers in his
ear)
ARTHUR
You?
LADY OF THE LAKE
ot
Oh, that's an idea.
ARTHUR
But I thought you were a fairy.
N
LADY OF THE LAKE
Oh, no, that's Lancelot. Oh, you missed that scene. Anyway, Arthur, I'm as human as you are.
II-37
ARTHUR
And you would consent to be my bride?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Are you asking?
ARTHUR
Are you saying yes?
LADY OF THE LAKE
sa
l
Oh, Arthur.
tio
(And now they kiss.
uc
Pe
ru
ARTHUR AND LADY OF THE LAKE
TWICE IN EVERY SHOW
OH THIS IS THE SCENE THAT ENDS LIKE THIS!
n
(They embrace. They lean in for a kiss and suddenly turn away
to sing)
pr
od
W
The underscore continues as ARTHUR and the LADY OF THE
LAKE EXIT in opposite directions)
TR
LADY OF THE LAKE
Find the Grail, Arthur, and when you do, I'll be there, waiting for you. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
#27 Cocoananigans!
(ARTHUR rides away empowered as she waves farewell.
fo
r
The KNIGHTS RE-ENTER immediately clicking cocoanuts and
doing parody dances of famous choreography to underscore.
THEY EXIT and RE-ENTER.
Ultimately they end up with "West Side Story".
ot
Thunder and lightning as TIM, a strange figure with curling rams
horn headgear and long pointy fingers flies in, holding a fire
stick.
N
He hovers in the air as the thunder rattles around.
He has a broad Scots accent)
II-38
Scene Ten: The Killer Rabbit
(A small cut out mound, decorated with daisies and skulls)
TIM
Greetings!
ARTHUR
What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without string or visible supporting device?
sa
l
TIM
I am an enchanter.
ru
n
ARTHUR
By what name are you known?
(Thunder)
ARTHUR
TR
Greetings, King Arthur!
pr
od
W
Greetings, O Tim.
uc
Pe
ROBIN
Wow. Tim. What a really scary name.
tio
TIM
There are some who call me… Tim.
TIM
ARTHUR
You know my name.
TIM
I do. You seek the Holy Grail.
fo
r
ARTHUR
You know much that is hidden, O, Tim.
ot
TIM
Quite! Below me… lies the cave of Caerbannog, wherein carved upon the very living rock, there
be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal.
ARTHUR
Super. So straight on…
N
TIM
But think well before you step into this cave, for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul,
so cruel, no man yet has fought this evil beast and lived. So be you warned brave knights, for
death awaits you all with nasty great big pointy teeth!
II-39
(Thunder)
ARTHUR
Come on!
TIM
Wait! Too late! There it is!
ARTHUR
sa
l
Where?
TIM
There!
Pe
ARTHUR
W
You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
uc
(A fluffy white rabbit hand puppet pops up over the mound and
innocently nibbles)
n
TIM
It is the rabbit!
tio
ru
ARTHUR
What, behind the rabbit?
pr
od
TR
TIM
Look this is no ordinary rabbit. This is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set
eyes on.
ROBIN
What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM
This rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!
fo
r
ROBIN
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
ARTHUR
Go and change.
ot
(ROBIN EXITS stage right in a hurry)
PATSY
N
Get stuffed, you Scottish pansy!!!
It'll do you up a treat, mate!
TIM
II-40
PATSY
Oh, yeah??
BEDEVERE
You manky Scots git!
TIM
Look, I'm warning you!
Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
sa
l
ARTHUR
Jesus Christ!
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
Aaaugh!
tio
BORS (CONT'D)
uc
Pe
ru
(An armored knight with visor down and sword drawn walks
forward to the rabbit. The rabbit is thrown over the mound,
BORS drops his sword and catches it holding it to his neck, as if
it is biting him. He releases his prop head which flies off and
fabric blood falls out of his neck. As he drops dead he flings the
rabbit back over the mound)
n
BORS
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up!
TR
(The rabbit appears over the mound, triumphantly, revealing
great bloody red teeth)
TIM
Not so tall now, is he? I warned you. Oh, but, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless
little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same folks, I always tell them but they never, ever, ever
listen.
fo
r
(TIM'S stick lights up and he flies out)
ARTHUR
We'd better not risk another frontal assault, that Rabbit is dynamite.
BEDEVERE
ot
Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
#27A The Holy Hand Grenade
N
ARTHUR
Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard
carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
II-41
(BROTHER MAYNARD ENTERS with the Holy Hand
Grenade.
A cowled MONK [girl] ENTERS holding the Holy Hand
Grenade in a Box)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
How does it work, Brother?
n
ru
sa
l
MAYNARD
The Book of Armaments, Chapter One, Verses Nine through twenty-seven. "And Saint Attila
raised the holy hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with
it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the
people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and
breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large…"
ARTHUR raises his eyes and points to the Bible)
uc
Pe
(BROTHER MAYNARD dumbly skips.
tio
ARTHUR
Skip a bit, Brother.
pr
od
TR
W
MAYNARD
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to
three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor neither count thou two, excepting that thou
then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" Amen.
ALL
Amen.
#27B Get Your Hand Off My Knee…
fo
r
MAYNARD
And now the Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101: "Get Your Hand Off My Knee, You
Dirty Old Bastard."
KNIGHTS
GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD …
ot
ARTHUR
There's no time for that. Right! One… two… five!
BEDEVERE
N
Three, sir.
Three!
ARTHUR
II-42
(ARTHUR throws the Holy Hand Grenade at the mound.
Explosion, and the grass mound falls forward revealing rock
with the carved letters A101. [See Appendix for alternatives.]
A sooty puppet operator stands revealed, holding a hand puppet
rabbit blackened by soot. He points off stage right.
sa
l
ARTHUR'S knights turn and stare where he is pointing and he
quickly scampers off)
n
BEDEVERE
Behold, Sire, the clue. Aioi!
ru
ARTHUR
Pe
LANCELOT
Oh! Maybe it's aioli?
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
What's that?
TR
LANCELOT
Aioli is a delicious garlic mayonnaise, Sire.
BEDEVERE
Maybe he was passing out aiiiiooooiii…
ARTHUR
Well, he'd hardly bother to carve that in the rock.
fo
r
GALAHAD
Could it be an eye for an eye?
ARTHUR
Oh, that's good.
BEDEVERE
ot
Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.
ARTHUR
Well, it could be, but how would that help?
N
uc
BEDEVERE
Pehaps it's Hebrew – ay- oy!
tio
Aioi? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
BEDEVERE
Well, we need to find something numbered A101.
II-43
ARTHUR
A101.
(They are staring straight into the audience)
GALAHAD
It's probably right under our feet.
#27C Hand Of God
A large finger of God descends, pointing down into the
audience)
Pe
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Of course. It is in the audience. Row A, Seat 101!
pr
od
W
The Portcullis descends)
uc
(PATSY runs into the audience and asks a patron to stand,
cleverly discovering a Grail!
tio
ru
(Sacred Music.
n
sa
l
ARTHUR
(Prays)
O Lord we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand.
TR
PATSY
It's you! Stand up, peasant. Oh, look, Sire! We have found the Grail.
BEDEVERE
How very clever. It was through the Fourth Wall.
fo
r
ARTHUR
Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of all those who gather together and believe
in it.
ROBIN
Oh, Sire, shall we reward this humble peasant who has been fortunate enough to be sitting on the
Grail?
ARTHUR
ot
Oh, absolutely, bring forth the peasant!
(PATSY shepherds the audience member up on to the stage)
ARTHUR
N
Welcome. What is your name peasant?
VICTIM
Jeffery Greenblatt. [Every night changes to the real person]
II-44
ARTHUR
Jeffery Greenblatt your name will be revered here forever in [local city name, along with two
local city celebrities. One serious, one comical. See Appendix.] You have been nominated for an
Arthur, for Best Peasant in [local city name].
#27D And The Award Goes To…
sa
l
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Patsy, the envelope please.
n
(PATSY opens the golden nomination envelope)
Pe
(Award music plays. The Victim is presented with an Arthur
Award and the nomination envelope and led by ARTHUR to
center stage where the KNIGHTS gather around him.)
tio
ru
PATSY
And the Arthur goes to…This is very exciting. Jeffery Greenblatt!
pr
od
#28 The Holy Grail's Been Found
uc
W
ARTHUR
People of [local city], let us all give thanks to Jeffery Greenblatt, the Peasant who has helped us
find the Holy Grail here in [local town)].
TR
ALL
THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND
THIS PEASANT IS RENOWNED
THANKS TO JEFFERY GREENBLATT!
(Each night they sing the Victim's name.
fo
r
On cue, they guide the Victim to turn stage right, where a
KNIGHT snaps a Polaroid of them holding their Award)
ALL (CONT'D)
THE HOLY GRAIL'S BEEN FOUND.
FINALLY FOUND!
ot
(The Victim is given the Polaroid and is gently escorted down
the steps back into the audience to huge applause)
ARTHUR
N
So now we can finish with a wedding.
#29 Finale (Part 1)
MORE
II-45
(LADY OF THE LAKE appears in a blue [trick] dress, through
downstage right doorway)
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Oh, wow, Lady, you look amazing… wait, I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
LADY OF THE LAKE
Everybody has a name, Arthur.
What is yours?
sa
l
ARTHUR
ru
(Everyone is startled)
Pe
tio
KNIGHT
Holy shit.
Guinevere, will you marry me?
uc
(The KNIGHTS EXIT)
ARTHUR
pr
od
W
LADY OF THE LAKE (GUINEVERE)
Let me think about that.
(She snaps her wrists and the blue dress falls away to reveal a
sparkling white wedding gown)
I'd love to.
TR
(ARTHUR and GUINEVERE kiss and walk arm in arm upstage
as the Portcullis rises to reveal The Ride Up Wedding Chapel on
the Vegas Camelot set.
ot
fo
r
They EXIT through the white swing doors of the Gateway
N
n
LADY OF THE LAKE
My name is… Guinevere.
II-46
Scene Eleven: The Holy Grail Wedding Chapel
(The GIRLS ENTER through the swing doors, in short Wedding
Dresses, carrying bouquets)
n
sa
l
WOMEN
WE ARE NOT YET WED
AND WE'RE NEARLY AT THE END
IT IS TIME THAT WE
WENT AND FOUND A FRIEND
IS THERE SOMEONE WHO
CAN HELP US IN OUR QUEST?
WE'RE ALREADY DRESSED
ALTHOUGH WE'RE NOT YET WED.
TR
pr
od
WOMEN AND MEN
WE MIGHT AS WELL GET MARRIED
'COS WE ARE NOT YET WED
uc
W
Pe
MEN
WE ARE NOT YET DEAD
THAT'S THE BEST THING TO BE SAID
OH! WE ARE NOT YET DEAD
SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET WED
COULD IT BE MUCH WORSE
IS MARRIAGE SUCH A CURSE?
tio
ru
(ENTER KNIGHTS with white top hats and carnation button
holes)
(Music cue: "Here Comes the Bride"
Everyone indicates the Gateway but instead of ARTHUR and
GUINEVERE…
fo
r
ENTER LANCELOT and HERBERT in great fashions, newly
married)
#29A. Finale (Part 2)
HERBERT
So you see it's all a show. Happy ending and all, and that just makes me want… to sing… Ah!
ot
(All look around for his FATHER, but no sign, so HERBERT
steps forward to sing sincerely)
HERBERT (CONT'D)
N
(Sings:)
WHEN YOU'RE LOST
ON LIFE'S TRAIL
MORE
II-47
HERBERT (CONT'D)
AND YOU FEEL
DOOMED TO FAIL
DO NOT FAIL
FIND YOUR MALE
FIND YOUR MALE
THAT'S YOUR GRAIL.
sa
l
LANCE
Just think Herbert in a thousand years time this will still be controversial.
ru
#29B Finale (Part 3)
n
(ENTER ROBIN, dressed in shiny white tie and tails with some
of his green)
tio
ROBIN
And I too have found my Grail.
ROBIN
Musical theatre!
#29C Finale (Part 4)
pr
od
TR
W
(Sings)
YOU CAN SING
YOU CAN DANCE
AND YOU WON'T SOIL YOUR PANTS
IN YOUR WHITE TIE AND TAILS
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
uc
Pe
ALL
What's that?
(PATSY and BEDEVERE ENTER with tambourines.
fo
r
ENTER ARTHUR and GUINEVERE married. GUINEVERE in
a gorgeous wedding gown)
CHORUS
HALLELUJAH! A ROYAL WEDDING!
ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE
ot
SO BE STRONG
CHORUS
N
HERE COMES THE BRIDE!
KEEP RIGHT ON
II-48
CHORUS
HERE COMES THE GROOM!
(With CHORUS "ooo")
TO THE END OF YOUR SONG
CHORUS
HALLELUJAH!
sa
l
GUINEVERE
FIND YOUR GRAIL
FIND YOUR MALE
CHORUS
A BROADWAY WEDDING!
CHORUS
pr
od
W
uc
Pe
SING HALLELUJAH!
THEY FOUND THEIR GRAIL!
ARTHUR
n
tio
ru
ARTHUR
DRESSED IN MAIL
FIND YOUR GRAIL
TR
GUINEVERE
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO.
ALL
GO AND FIND YOUR GRAIL
fo
r
SO KEEP
RIGHT
CHORUS
AH
SO KEEP RIGHT
TO THE END
ot
YOU'LL FIND
YOUR GOAL, MY FRIEND
N
THEN THE
PRIZE
YOU WON'T
FAIL
FIND YOUR
GRAIL
TO THE END
AH
AH
FIND YOUR FRIEND
AH
AH
AH
II-49
ALL
FIND YOUR GRAIL!
(ENTER FATHER)
FATHER
Stop it. Stop it. No more bloody singing!
sa
l
(LANCELOT grabs a shovel from the wings and whacks him on
the head. FATHER drops like a stone)
n
ALL
FOR THIS IS THE SHOW THAT ENDS LIKE TH………ISS!
N
ot
tio
uc
pr
od
fo
r
TR
W
Pe
ru
Two hearts descend written on one "The" and "End" on the
other.
Curtain Call
(After the Curtain call the Company steps forward to encourage
the audience to sing:)
COMPANY
Everybody!
#31 Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
tio
pr
od
W
FX Loud bang.
uc
Pe
ru
COMPANY (CONT'D)
(Sings:)
IF LIFE SEEMS JOLLY ROTTEN
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
AND THAT'S TO LAUGH AND SMILE AND DANCE AND SING
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING IN THE DUMPS DON'T BE SILLY CHUMPS
JUST PURSE YOUR LIPS AND WHISTLE THAT'S THE THING
AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT…
TR
Confetti cannon high up on either side of the stage scatter the
audience with golden confetti.
….SIDE OF LIFE….!
(Company bow! Play off music
fo
r
The Portcullis descends)
The End
N
ot
#32 Exit Music
n
sa
l
(The words are projected on the clouds for the audience to join
in)
ot
N
fo
r
n
tio
sa
l
ru
Pe
uc
pr
od
W
TR
n
sa
l
- SCORE SAMPLER -
tio
ru
SPAM® is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, LLC
Pe
Book and Lyrics by ERIC IDLE
uc
pr
od
TR
W
Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin
fo
r
570 Seventh Avenue, Suite 2100
New York, NY 10018
866-378-9758 toll-free
212-643-1322 fax
ot
Like us!
www.facebook.com/TheatricalRightsWorldwide
Follow us!
@theatricalright
N
The materials contained herein are copyrighted by the authors, are not for sale, and may only be used
for the single specifically licensed live theatrical production for which they were originally provided.
Any other use, transfer, reproduction or duplication including print, electronic or digital media
is strictly prohibited by law.
9/7/12
ot
N
fo
r
n
tio
sa
l
ru
Pe
uc
pr
od
W
TR
Spamalot
Tour
ru
Picc., Vln. w/K2
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BASSES:
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w/Xylo
j
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18
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LANCELOT, BEDEVERE,
GALAHAD, ROBIN:
KNIGHTS:
¿
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bb >œœ
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w/Xylo
w/T.Sax, K2&3
11
n
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>
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Spamalot Tour
pr
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&
GIRLS:
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2. KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE
9
tio
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w/K2:
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&
w/T.Sax, Hn.
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Vln. w/Picc.
K2:Crumhorn
w/K3:Stgs.
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w/Tbn.
Xylo out
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23
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26
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Vln. w/K2
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. . . .
Vln.
w/Picc., Tpt.1 8vb
w/Vln., K3 8va, Tbn.
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Rds, Hn, Tpts, Gtr. out
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28
N
&
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27
Spam spam spam spam
&
in Cam- e - lot we eat
fo
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& œ
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w/T.Sax
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24
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K2:Crumhorn
W
TR
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dine well here
& ‰ œ ‰ œœ ‰ œ ‰ œ
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‰
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29
. .
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. . .
‰
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w/Tamb.
w/Hn.
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– 69 –
œ
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do rou-tines and cho -rus scenes with
K2:Recorders
w/Picc.
. . œ.
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‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ
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Pe
foot work im - pec - ca - ble
&
˙
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22
# œœ
dance when e'er we're a - ble
+Brass
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21
n
?
Knights of the Round Ta - ble
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20
tio
&
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&
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Spamalot Tour
sa
l
&
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ru
19
pr
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w/Glock.
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‰ Œ
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KNIGHTS:
We're
.
#œ œ œ œ œ
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. . . .
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(to 26)
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w/T.Sax
V.S.
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31
Knights of the Round Ta-ble our
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w/Vln., K3 8va,
T.Sax, Tbn.
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o - pera mad
in Cam -e - lot We sing
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35
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36
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from the di - a- phragm a lot
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34
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Spamalot Tour
ru
&
uc
30
n
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Tri., Dr. roll
38
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& b b b b b œœ ‰ ‰ œœ n # œœ
bœ
œ nœ
F
? b b bœ ‰ ‰ œ nœ
b bb
bœ
œ nœ
W
w/K3
‰ ‰ œ
œœ
TR
+Xylo
œ
J
‰
‰ ‰ œ
œ
‰
n œœ
œ
n n # œœœ
w/K2:Bari Sax
œ
œ
n œœ
œ
œ
œ
nœ
nœ
bbb
j‰
j‰
j‰ j‰ ###
b
&
¿ ¿¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿
¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
b
& b bb
? b b
b b
>œ
J‰ Œ Ó
+Xylo
w/K2,3
57
58
∑
œ.
J ‰Œ Ó
Picc.
ot
bbbb
56
>
œœœœ ‰ Œ Ó
J
f
œ>œœ
œ‰ Œ Ó
J
œ>œœœ ‰ Œ œ>œœœ ‰ Œ
J
J
>œœ
>œ LUTE
œ
œœ
œœ
J ‰ Œ J ‰Œ
N
&
59
TAPS:
fo
r
55
w/Drs. cont'd.
œ
ggg œœ Œ Ó
ggg
gg f
ggg
gg œœœ
Œ Ó
w/Tabor Dr., Tamb.
Bs. out
– 71 –
.
œ. œ œ œ œ œ
J‰
3
œ
ggg œœ ggg œ
gg ggg
ggg gg
ggg œ ggg œ
g gg œ
bbbbb
‰
bbbbb
œ ‰
œ.
j
œœ ‰
œ.
b >œ n œ œ ≈ n >œ # œ œ ≈ >œ œ œ ≈ # >œ
>
nœ
‰
œ
œ
œ.
œœœ.
J
54
Pe
b b
&b b b
53
‰
œ
œ.
œœœ.
J
w/Tri.
œ
J
(to 53)
bbbbb
bbbb
n >œ
uc
.
j
œ
‰
œ
sa
l
≈
pr
od
œ
J
bbbbb
Œ
ru
&
œ
Vln. w/K2, Tpt.
˙˙ ..
˙.
n
w
& ww
37
Spamalot Tour
tio
Œ
œ
ggg œ Œ
gg
ggg
ggg
gg œœ
g Œ
###
# # # œœœ n n n œœœ
> >
#œ nœ
# >œ n >œ
bbbb
bbbb
bbbb
j
¿ ¿¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰
∑
+Xylo
w/Vln., K3
w/Gtr. cont'd.
n >œ
# n œœ ‰ Œ Ó
J
PIANO
w/T.Sax, Hn., Tbn.
n# # œ>œœ
# # # n œJ ‰ Œ Ó
###
w/Bs., Drs. cont'd.
V.S.
Spamalot
Tour
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
18
ARTHUR: Three, go home.
But no. I'm so depressed.
PATSY: Cheer up sire.
You know what they say..
ARTHUR: What do they say, Patsy?
F
˙˙ P
˙˙ U
& œ
###
œ œ
œ
œ
7
&
###
&
###
? ###
˙
˙
œ
œ
5
˙˙
Œ
œ
O - ther things just make you swear and
curse.
Flt, K2: Celeste (+8va)
‰ œ œ œ
˙˙
˙
˙
n ˙˙
˙˙
b
E13 9
Bm
˙
˙
˙
˙
grumble, give a whis-tle!
Picc.
‰ solo
œ
Œ
˙
#˙
A6
œœ
œ
#
F 7
Œ
˙
˙
real - ly make you mad.
œ
œ
‰ œj
œœœœœ
˙
˙
b
A6
˙˙
˙
Œ œ
œ
6
˙
And
8
When you're
˙
˙
>˙
PLAY VIBES
(fast
F
œ
>˙ motor)
œ
A
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰
They can
E7 9
Bm7
ot
? ###
œ
N
&
n ˙˙˙
Pe
œ
TR
&
###
are bad,
Gtr, Cl,
Vln, K3
?
W
4
˙˙
˙
PLAY
E9(13) PIANO
˙
ggg ˙˙
ggg ˙
gg
? ### 4
4
TACET
u
Cl, Vln, K3 Bm7
life
œ œ ‰ œ
this - 'll
ww
n# w
B7
w
– 121 –
œ
Œ
œ œ œ œ
œ
n
œ
things in
3
˙˙
˙
tio
œ
œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ
J
#
F m7
uc
‰
Colla voce
sa
l
Gtr.
2
˙
˙
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ ‰ Jœ
pr
od
### 4
& 4
U PATSY:
Œ ‰ œ
J
√ Some
+Glock U
œ
˙ œ
œ
ru
### 4 Ó
& 4
fo
r
1
che-wing on life's gris-tle,
ww
TACET
E9
Bm7
˙
˙
œ œ œ œ
help things turn out for the
Don't
˙˙
9
U̇
œ Œ
best...
˙
n ˙˙
˙˙
U
ggg n # ˙˙˙ 128
ggg ˙
ggg PIANO
Fb
gg E13
ggg # ˙ 9 12
ggg
8
g ˙
u
PLAY
Bm7
E
And...
128
Ó.
Horn solo
A
˙.
.
j
œœœ ‰‰
œ.
œœœ ..
œ ..
#
F m7
? # # # 128
j
œ . ‰ ‰œ œ .
+Bass
&
###
j
œ œ œ œj œ . Œ .
15
Al-ways
look on
Ó.
Horn solo
˙.
the
right
˙.
j
j
œœœ .. œœœ ‰‰ œœœ .. œœœ ‰ ‰
œ .. œ.
œ .. œ.
#
TR
&
###
j
œ . ‰ ‰œ œ.
j
œœœ œœœ ..
œ œ ..
œ.
œ.
E9
life
seems jol - ly
œœœ ...
œ.
Bm7
œœœ
Bm7
E9
‰ ‰ j œ . ‰ ‰ œj œ .
œ
b
E7 9
‰ ‰ œj
œ.
7
j
.
œœ ‰ ‰ Œ
œ
A6
œ ‰ œ Œ.
œ
J
19
There's
j
œœœ ‰ ‰
.
‰ ‰
j
œ
– 122 –
œœœ
j œ œj œ .
j
œ œ œ
Œ
Bs. Cl.
Œ.
œ.
7
17
Œ œj
If
œ
‰ ‰ œj j ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰ j
‰&
‰ .
j
‰œ
‰
œ.œ.
. œ.
œ. œ œ. œ. . œ.
P
.
Vln, K3
? Œ.
rot - ten,
j
œœœ ‰ ‰ n œœœ ...
œ.
œ.
œ.
j
Œ œ œ.
of life
˙.
Œ.
Bm
E
œœ
œ ‰#œ nœ ‰ œ
œ.
J‰‰
Arthur's lousy whistle
16
side
‰œ
#
F m7
PATSY: "You try it."
j
œœœ .. œœœ ‰‰ œœ œj œœ .
.
œ œ ..
n ˙˙˙ ...
˙ .
˙˙ ..
˙.
A6
j œj œ .
œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œJ ‰ ‰ Œ
J
œ
? ### œ .
j
œœ ‰‰ œ œj œ
œ. œ œ
œ œ
. . œ. ‰ œ. œ.
œ‰ œ
J‰‰
√ œ.
œœ œ .
œ œ œj œ .
œ
‰
œ
œ
œ
.
‰‰J
‰ ‰J œ‰
J‰‰
œ
fo
r
&
###
F m7
œ œ.
.
.
Œ ‰ ‰ J J ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰ œJ
F
ot
&
###
18
A6
N
? ###
Bm7
Flute,
. Bs. Cl. 15mb
Pe
&
###
œ. œ.
œœ ..
œ.
W
&
###
of life
˙.
‰ ‰ j œ . ‰ ‰ œj œ .
œ
+Hi-hat backbeat
14
side
+Glock
uc
# # # 12
j ‰‰
œ
œ
.
&
8 œœ .. œœ
œ . œ.
+Gtr. comp.
ṗ
the bright
Œ.
13
n
look on
12
tio
11
sa
l
# # # 12
8
&
Whistle
j
j Œ
j
Œ
j œ œj œ .
j
œ
œ
œ
.
œ œ œ
œ.
œ œ œ
j
œ œ œ œj œ . Œ .
Al-ways
Spamalot - Tour
j‰ ‰ Œ .
œœœ
pr
od
# # # 12 PATSY:
8 œ. œ.
&
2. ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Moderato, with a lilt
10
ru
Kbd. 1/Cond.
Œ.
œ ‰œ
j
œ œ
some - thing you've
˙˙ ..
# ˙˙ ..
#
F m7
Bm7
œ ‰ œ Œ.
j‰ ‰ Œ .
œœ
œ
E7
œ ‰‰
J œ.
j
œ œ œ ‰ Œ
for - got - ten!
˙˙˙ ..
˙ ..
œœœ ..
œ ..
j
œœœ ‰ ‰ œœ .
œ.
œœ ...
œ.
œ œ nœ œ .
A6
j
œœ ‰ ‰
œ
#
F m7
+K3
j
œ
And
j
œœœ ‰ ‰
œ.
‰ ‰
j
œ
œ.
œœ ..
œ.
œœ ..
œ.
j œ œj œœœ ..
.
œ œ
? # # # œ # œJ n œ œ œ .
J
&
###
œ
Don't be sil - ly chumps,
Œ.
œœ ..
œœ ..
Œ.
‰‰œ
J
j
œœœ ‰
œ nœ
A
j
œ ‰Œ œ
œ
24
œ.
œ œ nœ
Just
œœ .
# œœ ...
F
Œ.
When you're
œ œj œ œ
J
fee - ling in
j‰ ‰
œœœ
œ
Hn.
j‰ ‰
œ
w.
œ.
# œœ ..
B7
Vln, K3
œ.
# œœ ..
œ.
Œ.
Bm7
œ.
n ˙˙ ..
˙˙ ..
‰ ‰ œj
(Hi hat more active)
œ.
œ.
25
œ.
#œ.
œœ ..
œ.
n œœ ..
œ.
#
B7 su s
C
œ.
ot
N
– 123 –
Œ.
‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j n œœœ j
œ
œ
œ
œ
purse your lips and whis-tle,
Vln, K2, K3, Cl +8vb
#œ.
œ.
the dumps,
j
œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ. Œ.
J
J
fo
r
œ.
22
˙˙˙ ...
j
œ ‰ ‰ Œ.
‰ ‰ ‰ j œœj ‰ ‰
œ #œ . œ œ
J
#7
TR
? ###
A6
œœ ...
œ
Pe
&
###
j
œ œ œ œ
Œ.
œ.
W
&
###
23
n œœœ ...
E7 9
Flt, Glock,
K2
.
œ
J
.
j œœ. œœœ œœ. œœ ‰ ‰ Œ .
œ œ œ œ
œœ
J
.
.
n œœœ ..
œ.
œ
œœ
œœ
b
D /E
Bm7
sing,
œ
that's the
œ.
Dm6
œ.
b
E7 9
œ.
‰‰ j
œ
n
Œ.
œ.
Œ.
˙.
tio
that's to laugh and smile and dance and
Œ.
thing!
And...
œ aœ
Œ . œ #œ œ œ #œ œ #œ
n œœ .
˙.
˙.
.
uc
&
###
21
# œœ ..
œ.
˙.
n ˙˙˙ ...
˙
n ˙˙˙ ....
œ.
+Cym.
pr
od
&
###
j œ œj œ œJ œ œJ
œ œ
Spamalot - Tour
ru
&
###
20
sa
l
Kbd. 1/Cond.
#
B7
D
#œ.
Bm7/E
œ.
œ.
b
E7 9
œœ œ
V.S.
&
###
the
.
n wwww ...
w.
bright
œ.
‰ ‰ œj
+Kick
#
F m7
‰‰ j
œ
œ.
œ.
Al - ways look on
.
˙˙˙ ...
Vln, K3 ˙
the
right
˙˙ ..
˙˙ ..
˙.
˙.
side
of life
˙˙ ..
˙˙ .. ˙
.
œ.
&
###
œ œ œ œ œ.
J
J
‰ ‰ j œ . ‰‰ œ
J œ. œ.
œ
life is quite ab-surd,
Ooo
œ
n ˙˙ ..
˙.
j
œ œ
‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j n# œœœ j
œ
œ œ
œ
N
? ###
Vln, K2
And
j
œ
Bm7
œ.
b
E7 9
‰ ‰ œj
œ.
Œ j
œ
35
œ
Œ.
˙.
‰‰ j
œ
œœœ ..
œ ..
j
œ # œœ n œœ
œœ œ b œ œœ
J
œœœ ... œ .
œ . œœœ ..
.
˙.
+Flute
j
j
œ œ œ œ.
death's the fi - nal word.
ww ..
‰œ œ
You must
˙.
œ.
œ.
˙˙ .
˙ ..
œœ .
œ ..
Œ
‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j œœ
œ
œ
œ œ
#
A6
œ.
33
j
œ
œ
œ
J
For
j
œœ ‰ ‰ Œ .
œ ‰
œ √
œ .+Glock
j
œœ œ .
œ
œœœ .. ‰ ‰ J œ . ‰ ‰ œJ œ ‰ œ œ ‰ œJ ‰ ‰ œ œ .
œ ..
A6
Bm7
E 7 Snare
j j
œœœ F #m7 œœ
œ
¿
œ
‰
#
œ
n
œ
œ
‰œ œ ‰‰ ¿
J ‰ ‰ ‰œ J ‰‰
‰
œ
J
œ
œ.
ot
Ó.
˙˙ ..
Cl, Hn, ˙ .
Tbn. P
&
˙.
˙.
##
& #
###
Œ Jœ
PATSY:
KNIGHTS:
E9
Vln, K2
fo
r
&
###
34
Œ œj œ . Œ j
j œ œj œ .
œ œ œ
j
œ # œœ n œœ
œœ œ b œ œœ
J
œœ ..
œœ ..
pr
od
W
‰ ‰ œj
œ.
j
œœ ‰ ‰ Œ .
œ ‰ œbœ œ
œ
œœœ ...
œ .
˙.
Whistle
32
Bm7
TR
? ###
#
F m7
Œ.
˙.
Clar.
j
##
& # ‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j œœœ œœj œœ œj œœ œœœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
A6
j
œ
œ
œ
J
.
œœœ ...
pizz. Vln, K2œ
j œj œ .
œ œ œ
j
œ . œ œ œ œj œ . Œ .
31
Ó.
w.
w.
˙˙ ..
.
˙˙˙ ..
of life
29
+Flute
œ œ.
œ
j
‰ ‰ j œœ œj œ œj œ œœœ œœœ .. ‰ ‰ œJ œ . ‰ ‰ œJ œ ‰ œ œ ‰ œJ ‰ ‰ Œ .
œ œ œœ œœ œœ œ œ ..
Bm7
E9
A6
Bm7
E7
œœ F #m7 œœ
œ
œ
œ J
œ œJ ‰ ‰ ‰ # œ n œ ‰ œ œ ‰ ‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
œ . ‰‰ œJ . .
œ
J œ œœ
œ
œ œ
‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j œœœ j
œ œ œ œ œ œ
A6
side
˙˙ ..
˙.
˙˙ ..
j
Œ.
Œ œj œ . Œ j
j
œ
œ œ œ œ œ.
Whistle
n
&
###
30
Al - ways look on
28
tio
? ###
œ.
27
Spamalot - Tour
sa
l
&
###
j œj œ .
œ œ œ
j
œ . œ œ œ œj œ . Œ .
PATSY & KNIGHTS:
ru
&
###
Pe
&
###
26
uc
Kbd. 1/Cond.
F m7
œ œ nœ œ .
– 124 –
‰‰
36
j œ œj œ œ œ œ
œ œ
J
J
al - ways face the cur - tain with a
˙.
Ooo
‰
˙.
˙˙ ..
˙.
˙.
4
œ.
n ˙˙ ..
˙.
j
œ
j ‰ ‰ œj œœœ œj ‰ ‰ œj n # œœœ œj
œ
j
œ
Bm7
œ.
b
E7 9
‰ ‰ œj
œ.
‰‰ j
œ
bow!
For - get
### w .
w.
&
œœ
œ
Œ.
œ
Brass,
Clar. fl fl
F
A
? ###
œ.
œ œœ .
Œ.
œœ œ .. Œ .
˙˙ ..
œ œ
.
˙
Cl, Hn, .
>
fl
Tbn. P
∑
#
‹.
¿.
Drs.
¿. ¿.
œ ‰ Œ.
Œ. œ.
### œ œ ‰ œ œ œ
&
J
Drs: time
j œ.
j
œ
œ œ
it's your last chance a - ny - how!
B7
œ.
#
B7 su s
C
œ.
n œœ ..
œ.
Dm6
nœ .
4
Œ.
# œœ ‰
œ
˙.
Œ . b n ˙˙œ ...
œ.
Brass b œœ .
.
bœ .
œœ ..
œ.
∑
nœ .
# œœ .. œ .
n œœ .
œ ..
#
B7
D
#œ ‰
f
(Gtr. out)
+Timp & Cym. roll, K3: trem. Stgs.
w.
w.
– 125 –
En -
# ˙˙ ..
j
œ
œ.
œ
# œœ ...
œœœ ..
œ ..
j
œ
Œ
a grin,
‰ ‰
œœ ‰ ‰
œ
J
œ œ œ.
j‰
J‰‰
œ
# œœœ
+Flute
#
F 7
bœ nœ nœ #œ nœ #œ
˙.
n # ˙˙ ..
Œ ‰ œœ ..
b œœ .
.
fo
r
? ###
j
j
j
j
œ ‰ ‰ œ ‰ ‰ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ ‰ ‰
n
#
œ
# œœ
œ
œ
œ
œœ ..
œ.
4
+K3: trem. Stgs.
+Tpts.
œ.
# œœ ..
4
j
œ œ.
+K2: Bs. Cl.
œ
œ
n
œ
œ
œ
‰ ‰ j œ‰
J ‰ œ œ œj ‰ ‰
œ
.
A6
∑
ot
&
###
Flt, Vln, Cl. 8vb
j Œ.
œ
f n œ # œ œ # œ œ n œ # œ œ œ n œ œ 42
œ
N
###
&
‰ ‰ œj
œ.
41
TR
### w .
&
œ.
b
E7 9
W
40
joy it
Bm7
œ.
˙˙ .
˙ ..
‰ ‰ j œœœ j ‰ ‰ j n a œœœ
œ
œ
œ
F m
˙˙ ..
œ.
œ.
œ.
n ˙˙ ..
˙.
œ.
au - di - ence
sa
l
&
###
˙.
Ooo
œ
œœ
œ
give the
w.
4
4
pr
od
&
###
39
a - bout your sin,
˙.
Ÿ
˙.
‰ œ œ œ œj œ
œ œ.
J
n
38
Spamalot - Tour
tio
œ.
j
œ œ
Œ. Œ œ œ
J
Œ.
ru
&
###
Pe
37
œ nœ #œ nœ nœ œ
uc
Kbd. 1/Cond.
4
∑
b œœœ ..
œ ..
n œœ ..
# œ . œœ ..
n œœ .
.
∑
w.
V.S.
Spamalot
Tour
21
2X
### 4 .
& 4 .
: 0.8
:
∑
Pop ballad
3
.. ‰
LADY:
Ó
4
œ œ œ
œ
œ œ hap-pened toœ my
Wha- te - ver
Æ
Solo œ œ œ œ
œ
œœ
? # # # 4 .. œœ œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœœ # œœœ
œ
4
PIANO f
j
? # # # 4 ..
j
4 ˙
œ . œj .. œ .
œ œ.
œ
˙
‰
5
œ nœ œ œ œ
œ œ
œœ It was
œœ ex - ciœœ-ting atœœ the
œ œ #œ œ
part?
∑
œ
œ
Now we're
œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ
? ###
#
& #
? ##
œ.
stage
˙
P
œ œ
J
for far
˙
œ
œ
too
œœ œœ # œœ œ œœ œ
œ œ
œ.
j
œ ˙
œ œ . œj
half-way through Act Two And
∑
##
œœ
11
‰ œ œ œ
˙
long
Œ
œ
œœ
œ
œœ
œ
˙
do
Vln.
œ
since
œ œ
J
I had
œ.
nœ .
j
œ ˙
– 169 –
a song
œ
n œ œ œ œœ œ œœ œ
+K2: Stgs. w 's
j
œ ˙
I’ve been off
‰ j
œœ n ˙œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ
˙
Stgs.
n œœ
& ˙œœ
˙
n˙
+K2: ˙
œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ
j
œ
‰œ
œ œ
œ
‰ œjn œ ˙
j œ . œj
œ
œ.
œ.
nœ .
12
It’s a - ges
œ
œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ
9
∑
œœ œœ
œ œ œ
j
œ œ.
œ.
I’ve had no-thing yet to
j
œ œ . œj
nœ .
ot
#
& #
j œ
œ. œ œ
N
&
##
##
œ # # œœ
TR
? ###
10
œ œ
8
œ
pr
od
start
Œ
7
fo
r
&
###
˙
##
Pe
&
###
W
6
j
œ œ
tio
(K3 TACET)
œ.
uc
ru
sa
l
œœ œœ œœ n œœ
œ œ œ
n
[LADY nods.]
13
j
œ œœ œ œ
˙
Œ
Œ
œ nœ ˙
w
œ œ
This is
œœ œœ n œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ
œ.
j
œ ˙
Em7
œœ
œœ
A7
œ.
+Bs.
Œ
18
heart
Vln, K2 (+8vb)
##
‰
œ
j œ œ œ œ
&
œ. œ
œ œ
˙
œ
J ˙
Hn,
Bs. Cl.
F
œ.
.
+Tbn. œ
&
##
41
#
& #
##
j
œ œ
œ œ
A
œ
œ
œœ
œ.
œœ
œ.
œœ
œ.
I've got
œœ
œ.
+Shaker x 's, Tamb. on '4'
N
j
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
F fl fl fl fl fl fl
+Gtr. >Drs: Time (X-stick backbeat)
? ##
˙.
œ.
œœ
˙.œ
œ œ
œ
Bs.
&
‰
œœ
œ.
from my
˙
˙
‰
˙
œ
J
Em/
D
Œ
j
œ œ.
œ.
œ œ œ
j
œ œ.
nœ .
œ œ
love life is a mess
Vln, K2 (+8vb)
j
œœ
œ
F.
C
42
œ œ œ œ œ
‰
j
œ œ
19
my
˙
Œ
part?
Œ
œ
˙..
con-stant P. M. S.
œ
œœ
.
œœ
fl
>>
œ #œ
œœ # œœ
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
>
˙.
˙.
œ
œœ
.
œ
œœ.
sim.
Bs. sim.
– 170 –
œ
œœ
.
My ca
œœ
œ.
œ
œœ.
G
œ
œœ.
œ
œœ.
‰ j
œ
(to 41)
My
˙
Drs: fill
˙.
43
œ œ
œ
œœ.
j
œ
‰
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ
œ œ
j
œ
œ œ œ œ œ
fo
r
#
no-thing I can sing
Em
nœ
œ
œ n œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œ
œ
F
D
œœ œ œ
œ
œœ œ œ œ œ
œ
œ œ
œœœ œœ
œœ
œœ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œœ
Wha - te - ver hap - pened to
ot
? ##
A /C
œ
W
œœ
TR
#
& #
œœ
‰ nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙
˙
˙
œ œ œ œ œ
˙
ww
A7
œ.
œ œœ
˙.
œœ
Em7
j
œ œ
+Gtr. arp's
There is
˙
Pe
&
##
˙
w
# œœ
+Drs: lite time
17
The Pro - du - cer's a de- cei - ver
˙
œœ
œ œ
n
˙
w
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰
tio
one un - hap - py di - va
#
& # œœ
? ##
œ œ
16
sa
l
#
& #
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰
15
Spamalot - Tour
pr
od
&
##
ru
14
2. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
uc
Kbd. 1/Cond.
-
œ
reer
.
œ
œ.
Tpts, œœ ..
Horn .
P
>>
œ nœ œ
œ nœ œ
w/K2 ink
(Tbn.
out)
œ œ
>œ >œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
is
a - bout as hot as
. . . . . . .
œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œœœ œ
‰ œœ œ œJœ ‰œ
.
.
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
>
˙
˙
+Tbn.
>
˙
˙
47
##
œ
œ˙
˙˙
&
Rall.
Sax
j
œ œ
œ œ
##
∑
roll
œœ
œ
>œ
n œœ œœœ
n >œœ >œ
N
b n b œœœ œ œœ œœœ b bb œœœœ
&
bœ
>
+Cym.
? ##
œ
œ
b œ b œ œ (3 8ves) œ b œ n œ A œ
b œ . n œ n œ œ bn œ˙ b œ œ œ
n œœ œ b ˙
b b œœ ..
##
b b
D /
E
bœ .
b >œ .
#
F 7
j
œ œ
œ
Spice.
Asus
j
bœ œ bœ nœ bœ
>œ >œ b >œ n >œ b >œ
œ
˘
˘ ˘ With
˘ Posh
œ œ œ œ
˙˙
˙
œ.
œ.
+K2: Stgs, Tbn.
bbbb
Bm7
j
œ œ
œ œ
A tempo
‰
b˙
bœ .
b n b œœœ ..
n œ ..
œ
œ
b˙ .
49
Spice.
bœ
b n œœ ..
cresc.
b
B m/E
bœ .
bœ .
Wha - te - ver hap-pened to my
œ
œ
œœ
œ
œœœ
b n œœ œ b œœ n œ œœ
b
˙
b
?
b
n
˙
b
œ
b b b b ˙˙
œ
‰
A
b
bbbb bœ .
bœ .
– 171 –
b
Gm7 5
j
œ nœ
Drs: time (Snare, Ride)
b
52
cresc.
œ
j
œ
œ
Œ
œ nœ œ bœ œ
bœ
‰
b
œ
œ
œ
œœ œœ
œœ b œ
bœ
J Tpt 1
j
œ œ
>œ >œ
œœ
œœ
b œœœ b œœ
b œ b œœ
E
Drs: fill
˙.
bœ .
˙˙ .
˙ ..
b
œ œ
>œ >œ
Œ
show?
j
œ
œ œ œ
bœ
‰
b œœœ
J
œœ œ œœ œ œœ œ œœ b œ
+Cym.
roll
C7
E
nœ
œ
œœœ
Bm/
A
œ
nb œœœ œœ œœœ b œœœ nn œœœ
nb œ
‰
œ
œœœ
j
œ nœ .
œ nœ .
#œ nœ
+Bs. Cl.
œ
œ
Alto,
Bs Cl,
Tbn.
œœ
w/Tpt 2, Tbn.
A
w/Gtr. :
bbbb
etc.
œ.
œ.
œ
(Shaker out)
51
œ
œœ
#œ
#œ
œœœ œœœ œœ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ
ot
&
##
˙.
48
œœ œ œœ œ œœ œ œœœ œ
œ.
œ.
#œ
œ œ # œ œœ œ
˘ ˘ ˘ ˘
œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ.
‰
œœ ..
œœ
+Alto
J
œ
œ
œ
œ
œœ .
.
œ.
+Gtr. h 's
+Tbn. Em7
50
œ.
(Tbn. out)
w/Bs - to end
œ
˙.
+Gtr.
fo
r
? ##
b
C #m7 5
re - place me with Posh
TR
&
Tpts,
Horn
w/K2 e 's
W
&
œœ
œœ
œ
to
too old for my age.
œ
+Gtr.
œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
try - ing
##
˙.
j
œ
They're
œ œ œ œ œ.
n
##
œ œ œ
hate me there back-stage they say I'm
œœ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ. œ œ
>œ . >œ œ
œ œ
ru
##
œ œ œ
46
tio
They
˘˘
˘
.
˘
.
.
.
˘
˘
‰ j
œ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ
Œ
œ œ œ œœœ
œ œœ œ œœ
œ
.
.
f
œ œœ œ
>œ œ œ œ œ
f (Gtr. out)
? ## œ . œ œ
>œ . >œ œ
&
45
uc
˙
ice.
#
& #
&
‰ œj
Œ
Spamalot - Tour
pr
od
44
Pe
&
##
sa
l
Kbd. 1/Cond.
nœ .
nœ .
j
œ œ bœ
œ œ bœ
œ
œ
œ
˙
˙˙
˙
know
œ
b œœ
œœ
œ
œœ
œœ b œœ œ œœ
œ
œ
? bb b
œ
b
œ
œ
œ œ œ
56
œ
b b
&b b b ˙
‰ œ
pub
b
œ
j
œ œ.
˙
? b b
b b b œ.
œ.
œ
œ
œ
œ
/D
D add 9/F
œ.
œ.
out
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
N
b
b
˙˙ œ ‰ œj œ œ
b ˙ œ b œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ
‰ J
Cb
They've been
‰ j œ
˙w œ
w
b b
& b b b œ˙œ
+Cym.
roll
ot
&
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
‰ œœ œœ œœ
b ˙˙
Alto,
œ œ
+Alto œJ
Tpt,
A 7 su s A 7
j
œ œœ
œ.
59
bbbb
b
œœ
œ
b
D /
F
j
œ ˙
œ ˙
6
b
60
Drs: fill
œ.
bœ .
œ œ
J
sear
˙
b b ˙˙˙
b˙
-
ching for
˙
˙˙
˙˙
go to
˙
˙
b
bœ .
bœ .
– 172 –
b b
G /
F
j
œ ˙
œ ˙
œœ
œ
j
œ
œ
the
˙˙
˙
˙˙
˙
œœ œ œœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œ
G
b
œ
a
œ.
œ.
61
b b
A /G
j
œ ˙
œ ˙
Drs, Gtr: time
b b œœœ b œ œœœ œ œœœ œ œœœ
œ
œ
F
b
œ
J œ
well
Tbn.
D b C b/E b D b/F
j
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ
œœ
œ
j
œ œ.
pr
od
? bb b
bb
E m7
& œœœ
58
I might as
Œ
D /F
w/Bs. Cl.
fo
r
b
œœœ
W
œœœ
b
+Gtr. arp's
(3 8ves)
œ
œœ
œ
œ
TR
? bb b
bb
˙.
˙˙
tights!
G
˙
˙
˙
œœœ
bbbbb bœ .
‰ œ œ
œ
˙
57
Pran - cing round in woo - ly
b
& b bbb
Vln, K2 (+8vb)
b˙
Hn, ˙
Tbn. ˙
j
œ b˙
œ b˙
Pe
œ œ
bbbbb
‰
œ
bunch of Bri - tish knights
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b b b b œœ
bb
œ.
œ.
nœ
nœ
˙
œ œ œ œ
ru
? b b
b b
˙
˙
b
& b bbb
œœ
œ œ œ
I'm with a
œ
˙˙ .. ..
˙..
55
n
I was a hit now I don’t
b
& b bb
‰
œ œœ œ
bbbbb
tio
54
uc
b
& b bb ‰ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ
53
Spamalot - Tour
sa
l
Kbd. 1/Cond.
w/Bs Cl, K2 w 's
Œ
˙
shrub
‰ œj
Out
‰ j œ bœ ˙
w
˙w œ
b˙
w
œ˙œ
b
œ
œœ
C add 9/E
œ.
œ.
b
œ œ
œ bœ œ œ œ
b b
C /
E
j
œ ˙
œ ˙
˙
b ˙
Alto,
˙
Hn, Tbn. p
b
& b bbb
? bb b
bb
˙
œ.
œ.
+Gtr.
œœ
p
œ œ
nœ œ
Drs: time (Rim, Hi-hat)
(Bs Cl, K2 out)
b b
& b b b ˙.
j
œ
b
œ
Œ
65
œœ œ œ
œœ
œ
œ
œ
œ >> > œ
œ
f
? b b œ
b bb
œ
+K2: Stgs, Tbn.
w/Gtr.
b
Wha - te - ver hap-pened to my
‰
b b œœœ b œ œœœ œ
>œ
œœ
œ
C
b
? b b bœ .
b bb
bœ .
œœ œœ
œœ œœ
œ œ
œ œ
œœ
œœ
œ
œ
b
>œœ
œœ
>œ
œ
œœ
b
>œœ
œœ
j
œ œ œ œ
œ >œ >œ >œ œ
+Timpani
>œ
D
˙œ .
œœ ..
œ.
œ.
œ.
D
U
˙
D sus D
b
U
˙æ
˙˙
˙˙
˙
˙
U˙
˙˙
˙
U
˙
˙
œ
œ
œœ
œ
œœ
œ
œœ
œ
œœ
œ
j
œ œ.
œ.
67
my
‰
b
‰ bœ œ œ œ œ
I’ll call my
b ˙œ .
œ
b œœ ...
œ.
bœ .
œœ œ
œ
U
‰ "‰ Œ
‰
j
œ
œœ " U
œœ ‰ Œ
œ"
œ
J
ß
œœ " U
œœ ‰ Œ
J
"‰ UŒ
j
œ
œ
– 173 –
b
œ œ.
œ œ.
a - gent dam-mit
˙œ
œœ ...
œ.
œ.
œ.
D
œ œ œ bœ .
œ
bœ .
70
j
œ
‰
œœ
œ
œœ
œœ œ
b œœ
œœ
œ bœ œ œ œ
C
Drs: time w/tom fills
69
œ
œ
œœ
œ
b
œœ
œ
œœ
œœ œ
b œœ
œœ
œ bœ œ œ œ
C
˙.
Œ
E m
j
œ œ œ
‰
+Gtr. h 's
Rall.
N
&
bbbb
b ˙œœ .
b œœ ...
œ.
bœ.
œ œ œ bœ .
œ œ bœ .
>œ > >
˙æ
œœ
œœ
>œœ
b
A 7
Wha- te - ver hap-pened to
‰ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙
b œœœ ..
b œœœ ...
.
‰
‰ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
66
seems to me they’ve real - ly lost the
œ œ
œ œ
fo
r
b
& b bbb
œ œ œ
>œ >œ >œ
b
E m7
ot
b
& b bbb
68
œ
œ œ œ
œœ œœ œœ
œœ
Pe
f
TR
b b
& b b b œœ
œ Nœ
œ œ
œ œ
œœ œœ
etc.
œ.
W
b b
&b b b
œ
j
‰ œ œ
œœ
Œ
œ
plot
œ
˙
œ.
œ.
œœ
+Tamb.
A 7 on '4'
E m7
œ.
‰
+Gtr.
œœ
b
˙
˙
˙
It
n
(loco+8vb)
they can kiss my tush
œ œ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ
tio
Well
64
uc
shop-ping for a bush
œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œj
63
Spamalot - Tour
pr
od
&
bbbb
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œj
ru
b
& b bbb
62
sa
l
Kbd. 1/Cond.
œ œ.
Not yours not yours
œœœ
œ
b
(no Tamb.)
œ
œ
œœ
U ,
‰ œ œ œ œ œ bœ
J
But m - y
∑
∑
∑

perusal pack - The Central New York Playhouse

Transcription

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