barefactsxmas02 - University of Surrey Students` Union

The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper
CHRISTMAS EDITION 2002
So I said
to the mrs:
‘look - I am not
going out there
until you remove this golf
ball from my
shoulder.’
She was not
impressed and
went to ask
Rudolph if I
was like this
with him.
“
“
W
ell, it has come
around to that
time of year
where barefacts
no longer turns up miraculously on a Thursday (sometimes
Friday) afternoon and no-one
is quite sure what to do when
they are bored with lectures.
Fear not, therefore, for we have
taken all of the best bits you get
in your normal weekly dose
and given them the Christmas
treatment.
It is all quite light-hearted and,
on behalf of the editorial team,
a quick exercise in throwing
things together because of
exams and the such-like making various demands on the
writers; we’ve tried not to compromise our standards, though,
so if you have any thoughts
on this wee little venture, then
please tell us.
We’ve decided not to include
any news because there’s not
much we could say that you
couldn’t have picked up in a
proper paper; there is not an
arts/musc/literature/film section because we’re going to
hold on to all of the good stuff
until next semester. What there
is, though, are a few bad jokes,
a few nice pictures and the
BELOW
what does rich w want for
Christmas? Have a read of his
letter to father chritmas | p.2
the science of father christmas: even if he did exist, he
would be a pile of mush | p.3
your christmas stars from
someone who is in no way qualified to write them | p.5
how to cook your very own
roast dinner for six people (pudding included!) | p.9
barebones (ooh - possible section name there...) of what has
made barefacts, well, barefacts
for this semester. Oh, and there
is the fact that it is only available on the web, so if you are
reading this, be sure to tell a
friend about it.
All that remains to say is that
the first barefacts of next semester will be in week one and
that we hope you have a fun
Christmas. Remember, if you
have a spare few minutes, write
something for your favourite
student
newspaper...failing
that, we’ve always got space
for a decent article or two.
Christmas edition
2
a christmas letter from a wee young nipper
dear father chri s tmas,
My dad says you do not exist and, what’s more, the vicar down at the local church says you don’t either, but
i’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
i appreciate you are bus y at the moment, but as an
articulate 5 ye ar old who has been good all year, i was
wondering if i could have the following for chris tmas:
1.
2.
a new set of crayola crayons
3.
an end to the patroni s ing nature of adults towards their children
4.
a reas onable balance between public spending and higher taxation from the government as
well as an open discus sion on the merits of public-private partners hips
5.
president bus h to settle his differences with his
father ins tead of with that chap over in Iraq
one kitten (preferably new)
If you can, any one of the above would be much appreciate d.
Yours ,
Rich W
Christmas edition
3
the science of father christmas
Rudolph:
not caable of
light-speed,
but instead
of splitting
himself in half.
Impressive.
Of course, we all know that Father Christmas doesn’t exist, but
it always takes a scientist to make sure you are absolutely positive there isn’t even a small possibility. Daisy Clay relays some
very good scientific research she heard on the e-vine
There are approximately two billion
children (persons under 18) in the world.
However, since Santa does not visit
children of the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish,
or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan)
religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total (or
378 million). At an average (census) rate
of 3.5 children per household, that comes
to 108 million homes, presuming there is
at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas
to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming east to west (which seems
logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian
household with a good child, Santa has
around 1/1000th of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney,
fill the stocking, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up
the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get
onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million
stops is evenly distributes around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false,
but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household; a total trip of
75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom
stops or break.
This means Santa’s sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second – 3000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best 15 miles per
hour. The payload of the sleigh adds
another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a
medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons,
not counting Santa himself. On land, a
conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that the
‘flying’ reindeer can pull 10 times that
normal amount, the job can’t be done with
eight or even nine of them – Santa would
need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of
the sleigh, another 540,000 tons.
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles
per second creates enormous air
resistance – this would heat up the
reindeer in the same fashion as a spaceship
re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into
flames almost instantaneously, exposing
the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team would be vaporised
within 4.26 thousandths of a
Hey kids: there
second or right about the time
goes a big pile
Santa reached the fifth house on
of scientifically
his trip.
impossible mush
Not that it matters, however, since Santa,
as a result of accelerating from a dead stop
to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000
g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds
of force, instantly crushing his bones and
organs and reducing him to a quivering
blob of pink goo.
Therefore, even if Santa did exist, he’s
dead now...unless, of course, he’s magic.
Christmas edition
4
Just the usual Christmas panto?
words from chris pitt at the Yvonne Arnaud
All the ingredients are in
series of Doctor Who!
place at the Yvonne Arnaud
As a treat for the grown-ups
Theatre, Guildford for what
Jack and the Beanstalk also
promises to be a magical
features Christine Hamilton
beanfeast of fee-fi-fo fun
fresh from her jungle
and excitement in this year’s
adventures, and her husband
traditional family pantomime!
Neil, playing Bossy Fairy
Jack and the Beanstalk
Battleaxe and Impoverished
opens on Friday 13 December
King Neil. The production
and runs until Sunday 5
also stars Guildford School
January. The talented cast
of Acting graduate Daniella
includes the versatile Rula
Gibb as Jill, the second year
Lenska as Jack, the popular
running that Yvonne Arnaud
Michael Cochrane as the
has used a GSA student as
baddie, Fleshcreep and
Principal Girl. Daniella is
new Family Fortunes host
in her final year at the GSA
Andy Collins as Silly Billy.
having spent the summer
Following in the footsteps
performing with Ruthie
of Les Dennis and Bob
Henshall in the national tour
Monkhouse, Andy’s overnight
of Magnificent Musicals.
success has come courtesy of
Join Jack in his adventures
eight years of TV and radio
and share in the magic of a
appearances, including Lost
traditional English pantomime
in the Woods and appearing as
complete with songs,
Andy O’Bray in Dream Team.
dances, and of course the all
Royce Mills – one of this
important booing and hissing!
country’s most experienced
Christmas fun for the young
Dames takes the role of
and young at heart. There will
everyone’s favourite character
be signed performances on
Dame Trott. Although
Tues 17 Dec and Friday 27
perhaps an unfamiliar name,
Dec (both 7pm).
Royce’s face is instantly
To book your tickets for an
recognisable after working on
evening (or afternoon!) of
TV for 40 years from Minder
family fun call the box office
to Spooks. He was even the
on 01483 44 00 00
voice of the Daleks for four
student tickets offer
Why not take a trip down memory lane and come to Jack and the
Beanstalk at Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud Theatre this December.
It’s bound to cheer your soggy spirits and revive your festive
feelings, and is sure to get you in the mood for Christmas. Want
to encourage the festive spirit a bit more? Well the theatre has
3 bars and the show ends in time for a nice drink afterwards for
you and your mates. And for that little bit of politics there’s Neil
& Christine Hamilton for you to cheer… and boo!
Father Christmas is not the only one who’s generous at this
time of year, we’re offering UNIS students an amazing deal of
£5 tickets (a massive saving of £14 off top price tickets), for
selected performances. Simply present your NUS card at the
theatre Box Office to qualify for this special ticket price, and
give them a call on 01483 44 00 00 to find out what’s available.
Non-transferable and subject to availability; not to be used on tickets already
booked. Always terms and conditions, even for the simplest things...
Neil and
Christine
Hamilton:
another fatal
publicity
error meant
their agent
received
a healthy
Chritmas
bonus
Incidentally, at the time of going to press, barefacts has an
interview lined up with the Hamiltons whilst they are in the area
performing their pantomime duties. If you have any questions
you would like posed to the publicity-shy couple, then send them
along to [email protected] and look out for the “Rich W
meets the Hamiltons” special next semester...
ARGUABLY BETTER THAN A CHRISTMAS CRACKER?
Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He had bright ginger hair so his people called him
Rudolph the Red.
Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a
lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible
time. No matter what she said he had to argue.
One winter’s day Gertrude the Green looked out of the
palace window and said, ‘Oh dear, it’s snowing again.
You’ll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to
tea.’
‘Humph!’ Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn’t fancy
shifting snow and he didn’t want Gertrude the Green’s
mother coming to tea.
‘That’s not snow. It’s rain!’ he argued.
‘But it’s white and fluffy and drifting,’ Gertrude the Green
tried to tell him.
Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped,
‘It’s rain!’
Gertrude the Green became quite angry. ‘Gertrude the
Green knows snow, darling!’
‘Yes,’ retorted her husband. ‘And Rudolph the Red knows
rain, dear!’
‘What a great title for a song!’ Gertrude the Green exclaimed.
Christmas edition
5
Almost accurate Christmas astrology
words and festive predicting: morgan gooch
Sagittarius
Merry Christmas Sagittarius,
and it really could be with
all the partying you’ve been
doing you’ll be well practised by the
time the new year rolls around, just be
careful not to burn out too soon. Sleeping
through midnight is a bit of a faux pas at
a New Year’s Eve party! Just try to keep a
perspective on events across the holiday,
and remember that those exams, although
they’re over, are still relevant and the
consequences of them could hit you worse
than that hangover on New Year’s Day.
Capricorn
I should start by wishing you
a happy birthday and saying
make a wish, because it may
just come true. Knowing your luck at the
moment (and with Jupiter in your sign,
there’s loads of it) pretty much anything
you touch will come good, which will
be very useful for the exams, but will
annoy everyone who knows how little you
revised.
Aquarius
Well it’s time for you to keep a
low profile (at long last). This
is the party season and while
your Aquarian flair for partying usually
serves you well, the erratic influence of
Neptune is about to enter your sign and
you will have to be very careful to avoid
embarrassment. I know you’ll ignore this
(you can’t help being a party animal) but
just remember, you were warned.
Pisces
Merry Christmas Pisces! Just
so you know, your mum will
absolutely love the present
so stop agonising over it and put some
thought into what to get your dad. And
don’t watch the queen’s speech, you’ll
only be disappointed.
Aries
Is that enormous present
under the tree for you? The
one with glittery paper and a
giant bow on it?! I think it is!! Just calm
down. Remember that size doesn’t matter
(steady…) and that it could just be a
DeLonghi de-humidifier. The one wrapped
in last week’s barefacts is nice, though...
Taurus: the look of love at
Christmas between two people who believe in the stars
should probably not be taken
seriously.
Taurus
So you earth signs find it hard
to get excited about Christmas,
eh? Well as you mostly find it
hard to get excited about anything at all
(or anything that doesn’t involve the word
‘efficiency’) we can let you off. This year
you might just understand for one fleeting
and beautiful moment what makes the
Aries’ eyes glaze over whenever they see
a Christmas tree… and you’ll be a much
better person for it.
Gemini
It looks like Christmas
could be tricky this year,
just remember when you’re
cramming in the turkey and stuffing down
the stuffing that pudding will happen,
and you (as ever, but then, we love you
that way) won’t be able to resist. Follow
this advice to avoid disaster; stock up on
Rennies and toilet paper.
Cancer
Venus is coming into your sign
across the Christmas period,
which as we all know puts you
on course for a bit of romance. So we’ve
determined that you’re waking up next
to somebody new, but I’d make a plan
in case you want to bail out and do it in
advance (sometimes it ain’t pretty when
you sober up… you know what I mean)
Leo
You’ve been very busy
recently: lots of parties and
social events are the positive side of the
pre-Christmas rush for you. So remember
that a family Christmas can be the perfect
opportunity to relax and recuperate for
New Year’s Eve, the biggest party until
the next one.
Virgo
You’ve got to get your life into
perspective Virgo, and this is
the perfect time for it. Seeing
all your relatives and the extent of your
family should be enough to let you know
that all your worries of late have been very
definitely short term, and while they aren’t
pleasant (and can make things damned
difficult) in the long run they just aren’t
that important.
Libra
We all know it’s in your nature
but try not to show off over
the next few weeks. This time of year is
supposed to be about loving and giving
and it’s okay to give someone else the
limelight for a little while (after all it’s
only really a loan). What I’m trying to say
is, just for once let the queen finish her
speech without you interrupting her.
Scorpio
It seems like everyone else is
ready to slack off now, without
realising that there’s a lot to do
for Christmas. Don’t lose your cool when
the one thing forgotten is made into a big
deal; putting brandy on the pudding every
year seemed frivolous anyway.
Christmas edition
6
Final years Funkyberry and Ickle Sarah give a random
slice of Christmas campus life from their humble, sort-of
decorated dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…
EXAM time. This is the 2 or 3 weeks,
where anyone that gets asked to do
something, which they would rather not
really do, has one of the best excuses
ever: “Sorry, I’ve got exams” or “I can’t,
I have to revise”. Basically what people
are saying, is that they either don’t want
to do something, or just can’t be bothered.
Its ok to sit and watch Eastenders, or go
out for dinner to Chancellors, or talk to
your friend on the phone, but anything
awkward requested of you – “sorry,
exams”.
I HAVE been asked to write something
Christmassy. Well this year I think
Christmas has skipped campus. People
just don’t seem to be up for it this year.
My housemates decorated Rawons 3’s
kitchen about 2 weeks ago, and Rawson
2 followed suit last week, but apart
from that I have seen very few kitchens
bothering. Even in town, people have just
forgotten what Christmas is about.
So then, I won’t write about Christmas not
really happening on campus and instead
write about something else. Something
else is 2 words, meaning something, that
if I had enough time spare with all this
revision and exams I have to do, I would
look up its meaning and write something
stupid about.
One thing that I know a lot of floors are
doing, is the Floor Christmas Meal! This
is a jolly seasonal event, where everyone
on the floor (well, all the people that don’t
have loads of revision for exams) works
together to create a lovely meal, then after
eating it sit around and get drunk along to
a nostalgic Christmas CD.
Just think how much money you would
make if you wrote a REALLY good
Christmas song! You and your offspring
would be minted for the rest of your
existence! If Anon had got royalties every
time “God rest ye merry gentleman”
was sung since its conception around
the 14th century, then I’m sure Bill Gates
wouldn’t be the world’s richest man ever.
Wow! I feel inspired! I’m going to write
the worlds BEST CHRISTMAS SONG
EVER!! …. Nar, can’t be bothered - Got
revision!
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter
A girl was waiting to see
Santa; she climbed up
on Santa’s lap and Santa
asked, “What would you
like Santa to bring you
for Christmas?” The
little girl replies, “I want
a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”
Santa looked at the little
girl for a moment and
said, “I thought Barbie
comes with Ken.” “No,”
said the little girl. “She
comes with G.I. Joe. She
fakes it with Ken.”
How little Ken
knew that that
wasn’t the
only ‘weapon’
G.I. Joe has
CHRISTMAS has certainly arrived in
Battersea Rawson. Despite the exams,
coursework and associated frayed
tempers we are just about managing to
pull together and get in the Christmas
spirit. Over the last week floors two and
three have discovered snow spray – a toy
I have, amazingly, never played with in
my twenty-one years of existence. The
massive “Happy Xmas from Rawson 2 –
eat drink and be merry,” declared from our
kitchen coupled with upstairs’ “Rawson
3 says Merry Christmas” is certainly
ensuring that everyone who enters
Battersea Court or heads for the GU2
studios (just outside the windows) cannot
miss our house. One thing that made me
laugh yesterday was when a friend of my
housemate asked me “so, what’s Rawson
then?!” – and she was standing in our
kitchen at the time!
IN A way I’m looking forward to the peace
and quiet afforded by a week or so at
home over Christmas, and three weeks on
campus without the majority of students.
Maybe the pile of washing up in the
kitchen will finally decrease? I remember
my first Christmas at home after starting
University (being in Twyford I had to go
home for the whole four weeks) and it
was certainly a massive lifestyle shock.
Going from all night parties, sleeping
through lectures until noon, eating when I
felt like it and going out when I wanted to
three square meals a day and a family that
went to bed no later than 11 o’clock made
me realise what it meant to me to be at
university. Nothing against my home life
– it’s great to go home, be fed properly
and not worry about whether Tesco’s is
still open – but it was that holiday that
made me realise that I was at the age when
it really felt right for me to start running
my own life.
SO THERE’S a week left of this madness.
One more exam, one coursework deadline,
two more violin lessons, a Christmas
roast and several celebratory nights out
to go…. and then home for a nice family
Christmas. I can’t wait!
Have a great holiday everyone!
‘ickle sarah butterworth
Christmas edition
L
7
ife after the womb
words: rich w
Ahh, Christmas – that fabulous time
The Queen:
of year when Woolworths advertise
apparently
unaware that
mammoth amounts of rubbish
the flowers
through the medium of television and everyone has the “spit or
matched her
swallow” debate regarding the consumption of Brussels sprouts.
outfit...
Incidentally, if Brussels didn’t want the things, then why didn’t
they just throw them out instead f giving them to everyone else?
They may have thought they were being nice but instead have
on about annus horriblis etc. when you’ve just eaten half a
persecuted generations of kids who have had to consume the
turkey and polished off four bottles of wine? (Apart from Royalobligatory sprout at this time of year, causing not only unpleasant watchers – but they don’t count). As I see it, there are only two
taste sensations but plenty of emotional damage as well. There
ways that that particular situation can be remedied:
we go - a perfectly good reason to reject the idea of a unified
one) she wears a racy little number with “come and get it here,
Europe: they gave us sprouts.
Big Boy” written on the crutch, which, I think you will agree, is
Anyway, I am sorry to have to say this, but Christmas really
less-than-desired on a scale of never-to-possibly.
doesn’t do it for me; in fact, I could positively do without it.
two) she could spice it up a little and be a bit risqué with what
The “season of good will” it may be, but it is also the season
she says. For example, instead of singing the praises of world
of exams, bad weather and so much darkness even Darth Vader
AIDS day she could tell everyone to go and shag like rabbits
would be asking mummy to switch on the light. In short, not
and not worry about the consequences; or she could read lots
what I would call ‘good.’ That, together with the fact you have
of classic crime novels and shout out “the butler did it”
to spend at least one entire day with your family suggests it
whenever she knows the press are outside the window.
may be the worst time of year.
Perhaps she could invite Michael Barrymore round and ask
It wasn’t always this way, though, so I thought I’d try
to do a duet with him – could I suggest Eminem’s “Cleaning
to pin-point what it was that caused my disillusion
out my closet” as a possible track? The possibilities are endless
with the “snowy season.” (I
say
– she just needs
to show a little imagination...
snow, though not having
seen any at Christmas
Maybe
I’m
being a little optimistic
for the last fifteen years
–
maybe
Christmas is meant to be
or so, I should perhaps
more like suffering for every
reconsider the term and
year you get older: as a little
replace it with something more
kid you can’t sleep for the
appropriate. Poor old Bing Crosby – if
excitement of it all; as an
he was dreaming of a white christmas,
adult you can’t get to sleep
he must have been asleep for bloody
because of the debt; as
ages.)
an OAP you can’t get
So what was the cause? Well, it
to sleep because you are
certainly wasn’t the revelation that
too old and can’t afford
Father Christmas didn’t exist, though if I had
your gas bill. The suffering
have heard that one from a vicar, even I might
is proportional to the number of
have been a little upset about it. No, it was
blankets you have to have on your bed.
instead not receiving the red Octomus
The point being that you either love
Prime transformer that I wanted, as an
it or you hate it. The difference
alternative getting what can only be
between Christmas and marmite,
described as a poorer-cousin-of-ahowever, is that you can always
knitted-jumper-variety.
throw the one of them out
But Christmas isn’t all about
into the bin whilst the other
presents is it? It is about family,
you have to put up with until
celebration and generally having
you are put out of your roasta good time; as you get older,
induced misery.
it’s about the time off as well.
As we all know, though, it
never works out this way and
ultimately it comes down
to watching the bloody
television.
Imean – the Queen? Who
Octomus Prime: a fearless Transporters leader, not normally associated with
really wants to hear
knitted wooly jumpers. Still, that’s robots in disguise for you - you can never sure
where they might pop up
her babbling
Christmas edition
8
Something to wile away those cold winter nights
X
mas
word
In keeping with the Christmas theme, barefacts brings you a special seasonal crossword and wordsearch.
After all the brain power required for end of semester exams they’re slightly easier than normal, so settle
down, pour yourself a glass of sherry, warm up a mince pie and enjoy.
ACROSS
1. Hung by the chimney [9]
5. Eliciting kisses under doorways
everywhere [9]
6. Santa finds this a tight squeeze [7]
7. “Feed the World” band [7]
8. December’s seasonal saint [8]
9. Santa’s home [9]
DOWN
1. Commercial version of 8 across [10]
2. I saw Mummy doing this to Santa [7]
3. The night before Christmas author [12]
4. A candelabrum used in Jewish
worship [7]
7. Christmas isn’t Christmas without his
songs on the radio [10]
10. Decorate [4]
Winter wordsearch
Once upon a time a newspaper called barefacts
produced a special Christmas issue, stuffing
it full of exciting holiday goodies. Outside an
office filled with mince pies the students wait
Hidden in the grid below are each of the highlighted words in the special Christmas
eagerly for the first sight of snow. Carols can be story opposite. There aren’t any answers to this in this issue, but to be honest, it’s
heard spilling forth from the radio as everyone
not really that hard!
examines their bank account, wondering if they
can afford cards and presents this year. Each
Z A H J B W N Q A Y A H E V D
morning the chocolate in the advent calendar
provides breakfast for many, before they pull
M I S T L E T O E K H K Z Y P
on their stockings and head out into the winter
B L D X F
J R Y J E A W Q Q F
cold for that last exam. They dream of a warm
fireplace, a tree covered
K R E E D N I E R C A R O L S
in brightly coloured
decorations, of
G U N N C A R D S A V E P V A
kissing under
P D S S H O L L Y L K T R B N
the mistletoe,
building a
M O P L R P R B E P T N E A T
snowman
I L H E
I R G A Q E N I S H A
and most of
all, eating
N P O I
S V Q R T R J W E Y T
succulent
C H L G T Y B E R I Y I N V N
turkey, and
Christmas
E O I H M S T F E F O P T H E
cake
topped
P U D P A U R A E E J N S H V
with holly.
When safely
I P A H S T O C K I N G S N D
tucked up in bed,
Santa arrives
with Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer pulling his
E U Y E K R U T F G Q W C A A
sleigh, bringing presents for all the good little
S N O W M A N S T U F F I N G
boys and girls. Merry Christmas.
Christmas edition
9
Cooking a roast dinner in a campus kitchen
As Christmas is approaching, in preparation for the new ‘food section’ next semester, barefacts
is proud to present a dummie’s guide to preparing (and eating) a traditional sunday roast.
By Sarah Butterworth with
assistance from Kat Auger,
Adam Collard, Rachel Fry, Ian
Stephenson and Paul Wright
Food
You will need:
Wine (the most important ingredient) around a bottle per person (adjust to taste)
Meat (make sure you check the cooking time)
Vegetarian steak (if required - yes, I’m a vegetarian who
eats roast dinners)
Potatoes (a 2.5kg bag easily feeds six - normally a couple
of large ones each)
Peas
Carrots (approximately one medium one per person)
Parsnips (approximately half a large one each)
Broccoli (two florets normally feed six people)
Frozen Yorkshire puddings (as many as you like - we
normally have about three each) or batter mix and one egg
Gravy (and vegetarian alternative)
Vegetable oil and salt
Stuffing mix
Pudding, if required
6pm
Start peeling and chopping
potatoes, carrots and
parsnips. Put oven on at around 200
degrees. Put about a centimetre of oil in
the roast potato tray, the same in the meat
tray and place in oven to warm.
potatoes on to
6.20pm Put
boil, with a pinch of
salt. Put meat in oven on middle shelf (the
timing of this will depend on what type of
meat you are using and its weight - check
instructions)!
6.35pm
Put potatoes and
parsnips (uncooked
but cut up) in tray with pre-warmed oil on
top shelf of oven. Cover in oil.
6.45pm
Start preparing
stuffing (it needs to
be left to swell, so I am told).
7pm
Mould stuffing into balls
on a baking tray. Lick
hands. Re-cover potatoes in oil.
this point on
7.11pm At
Sunday we realised
we’d forgotten to buy the Yorkshire
puddings. Ian came up trumps with some
old batter mix in his cupboard and an egg
borrowed from a considerate housemate.
Yorkshire pudding mix was made up by
Ian who didn’t understand instructions
and made it backwards. He couldn’t
understand why the mixture was lumpy.
Equipment
Baking trays (for
potatoes, parsnips, meat and Yorkshire puddings)
Saucepans (for potatoes and vegetables)
Spoon(s)
Vegetable peeler
Sharp knife (small)
Carving Knife
Plate, bowl, cutlery and wine glasses for each person.
Jug(s) for gravy
The meal below took place on Sunday 8th December in a
Cathedral Court kitchen - yes, we did fit six people in there!
Put Yorkshire
pudding mix in tray
on bottom shelf of oven and on same
shelf put stuffing balls in on another
baking tray (leaving space for vegetarian
steak). Re-cover potatoes in oil.
7.24pm
7.30pm
Put Veggie steak in
on stuffing balls tray.
Vegetables on the hob with water and salt.
7.40pm
Put peas on the hob
with pinch of salt.
Re-cover potatoes in oil.
7.47pm
Put one person on
gravy duty. Use
vegetable water for the gravy - saves
boiling the kettle again and gives it some
extra taste (just be careful not to drop the
broccoli in the jug when you’re pouring).
7.48pm
Take meat out
of oven, amid
salivation. Start carving. If using frozen
Yorkshire puddings put them in the oven
on another baking tray in place of the
meat.
7.56pm
Yorkshire pudding(s),
roast potatoes and
stuffing balls taken out of oven. Served
with vegetables. Add gravy.
8pm
EAT!
8.35pm
Put pudding (we
had Sara Lee Apple
and Blackcurrant Bar) in oven. Our past
puddings have included mince pies with
cream and apple pie. After this everyone
normally sits very quietly and digests
their dinner for at least a few minutes.
Make custard with
hot water. Here Ian
refused to let Paul make it since
it might end up lumpy. He blames the
lumpy water, again.
8.50pm
9pm
Pudding out of oven.
Custard done. Eat.
7.51pm
Serve meat. Paul
(Sunday’s gravy
man) completes gravy, and the other
meat eaters complain it’s a bit lumpy. He
blames the lumpy water.
The cost of the whole meal was around £2 each, not including wine. So, what are you
waiting for? Get down to Tesco’s and start cooking!