The Imp? - Daniel Raeburn

THE
IMP ?
D.K.R.
APOSTLES
the holy book oƒ
CHICK
WITH THE APOCRYPHA
and
DICTIONARY-CONCORDANCE
KING IMP EDITION
Dan Clowes drew the reason
this issue will sell, gave me
Chick apocrypha, and photographed Chick Publications.
The enigmatic VX created the
defunct Unofficial Jack T. Chick
Archive url, which provided
the means to contact the following chicklets:
• Dwayne Walker interviewed
Chick and supplied countless
anecdotes, tips, and tracts; you
should obtain Dwayne’s films
by writing him at:
564 N. Bellflower Blvd. #208
Long Beach CA 90814;
• Jeremy Thomas gave tracts;
• Steven Scharff gave tracts;
• Dan Kapelovitz gave tracts
and weird Chick stuff.
Darby Romeo will eventually
publish earlier portions of this
story in Ben Is Dead.
Bob Fowler wrote The History
of the World According to Jack
T. Chick, the acme of Chick
scholarship. I made extensive use
of his research in preparing this
issue of the imp, and you can
get your own copy of
Bob’s insanely detailed book
by sending $12 to him at:
1385 High Site Dr. #102
Eagan MN 55121.
PROPHETS
daniel k. raeburn
general editor
Introduction, Annotations, Cross-References,
Special Articles, Map, and Indexes
[the imp] hero worships too
much and that kind of loyalty
doesn’t produce the best analysis.
—Roctober
It’s really hard to make money
selling items this cheap.
—Bud Plant
Slick, term-paperesque…
—Zine World
If it was about Jack Kirby we’d
sell it. Jack Kirby sells.
—Diamond Distribution
THE IMP, number
EPISTLES
You actually made me curious to The most insightful writing on
Dan’s work (or comics for that
see more of Clowes’ work.
matter) that I’ve seen yet.
—Mom
—Adrian Tomine
Very uncomfortable reading for
poor, sensitive me…in a way it’s I read the imp on the Greyhound back to Pittsburgh. When
my dream come true, criticalI got home, all I wanted to do
response-wise. Thank you.
was re-read eightball. You rule
—Dan Clowes
dude.
I saw no evidence of “commie
—Al Hoff
propaganda,” other than the
usual pointless fretting over any Totally bowled over by the imp.
possible trace of racism and sex- It’s just the sort of thing needed
in the comics world—serious,
ism in Clowes’ work, which I
in-depth discussion of ambitious
personally don’t see at all.
work.
—Peter Bagge
—Seth
It’s rather frightening how much
Thanks for the copy of the imp.
better Dan’s getting…
p.s.—I’ve been working for hus- I’m very glad you did
tler, too. They are the greatest. this. Clowes is totally worthy
of this sort of attention.
—Mary Fleener
—Sean Tejaratchi
I was passing through some
small town in Oregon and saw a
billboard for some sort of bar or
lounge that had a picture of four
Clowes freaks sitting at a bar.
—(Illegible signature)
—Jim Woodring
2, is copyright © 1998 by Dan Raeburn, 1454 W. Summerdale 2c, Chicago, IL 60640. All rights reserved. Write me for permission to reprint.
Frank is © Jim Woodring. All artwork not on the four sides of this cover is copyright © Jack T. Chick, unless noted otherwise, and its use herein is damn well
covered by the provisions for parody and fair use outlined in §107 of Title 17 of the U.S. Code. The cover is a parody, the guts are highfalutin literary criticism,
and I’m definitely not going to make a cent from this. So Jack, please join me in saying God bless America.
e’s the most widely-read theologian in
human history, that’s who the
he
is. This Roundhead Protestant cartoonist
is also one of the best-selling artists in human history, having sold over four hundred million copies
of his comix in over seventy
languages during the past thirty-six years. I’ll repeat that first
stat: over four hundred million
sold—that ain’t Peanuts, but it’s
damn close. These comix are
sold American, too, each and
every one with a thirty-day,
money-back
guarantee
ensured by none other than
God Himself, at the crafty
price of thirteen cents each.
A suspicious numerology
because these comic books are
very unlucky; in fact, they are nothing but sanctified hate literature. People who dismiss hate literature offhand are going to miss the point of this
tribute to Chick, which is that hate literature reveals
not only its own corruption but the sick society
that hatched it. Examine the historical and theological forebears of little Chick and you’ll find an
H
awful, and I do mean awful, lot of mainstream
beliefs. Like the Protestant zealots who colonized
and raped this country, Chick tracts and the
violence in them are as American as apple pie.
Chick is an enigma, an recluse who religiously
Who the
is Jack T. Chick?
maintains his invisibility yet manages through
guerilla marketing techniques to be one of our
most ubiquitous artists. Mention his name and
people say, “Jack T. Who?” Show one of his comix
tracts and they say,“Oh, that guy.” He’s succeeded in
being both everywhere and nowhere.
Chick is first and foremost a salesman, a theo-
logical Babbitt whose fundamental intolerance for
the art and ritual of every religion compels him to
pitch his product, a brand of minimalist Christianity he markets as “your own personal Saviour.”
The comix corpus of this sales literature is itself a
fascinating work of folk art,
complete with its own perverse
symbology and rituals.
If you’re one of the few who
hasn’t by chance found one of
Chick’s tracts placed in a phone
booth, laundromat, or on a
park bench, take a tour
through the dictionary at the
back of this tract. Start at the
Roman Catholic Church and
work your way outward, or
start at random and work your
way toward the Roman
Catholic Church. All of Chick’s roads lead to
Rome. If nothing else this man’s work stands as
small proof that the average human mind is
capable of performing astounding intellectual and
psychological stunts in its relentless drive to
create meaning where none previously existed.
2
ack thomas chick’s unassuming 1996 self-portrait to our left is the only portrait we have of
the man who has blanketed the earth with his
tiny comix tracts. This gourd-shaped frump, or
frumpkin, has drawn himself as downcast, with more
than a little dread wrinkling his clear dome. Why is
Jack Chick worried? Because he truly loves us, that’s
why, all five billion of us, and his humble but gargantuan empire can’t possibly produce enough comic books to save us all before the
clarion call of Armageddon. This tragic man
describes his comic failure as his great “burden for the
lost.”
“1997 went by in a blur,” he writes in this year’s
opening exhortation to his independent distributors,
J
“Our Lord gave us a
direct order to preach
the gospel to every
creature,” Jack writes.
“That’s a tough order,
especially if you’re shy,
like myself. I dread witnessing to a stranger.
Thank God it’s so easy to
hand them a tract…once
they receive it, they won’t be
able to say, ‘He never told me.’
That’s why, beloved, you and I
both need Chick tracts in our
purse or pocket. Every
Chick tract is a proven
soul winner.”
describing the sadness he felt watching his printing
press “roll all day long putting out tens of millions of
tracts all year,” knowing that these comix can still
“only reach a fraction of the children born on this
planet in one year.” Bumbling world leaders, holy
wars and proliferating nuclear weapons are everywhere, he rightly warns; “all of this points to the fact
that the end is in sight and the Lord is coming
soon…. Beloved, we must stay busy to spread the
Word until that trumpet sounds.”
Revelation’s apocalyptic horn heralds an awesome
sight and for almost forty years Chick has never
averted his eyes from it. In a unique 1984 interview
with the editor of his own Battle Cry newsletter,
Chick describes the feelings that overwhelmed him
3
one night as he went grocery shopping and left his
beloved “little gray silver poodle” in his car: “She
could barely get her nose up to the window, standing on her hind legs. The whole time I was in the
store, she kept her eyes riveted on that door, waiting for me. Nothing else in the world mattered to
her, except to see me coming out of that store. I
looked at her, and I thought, ‘Lord, that’s the way I
should be looking for Your return—nothing else
should matter.’” Love him or hate him, but Jack T.
Chick is trying to be Man’s best friend.
Chick unabashedly employs what he considers
the devil’s medium to achieve his evangelical ends:
comic books, which he calls “The Secret Weapon.”
In his self-promotional tract, Who Me?, Chick
recounts one version of his own multiple creation
myths. Bob Hammond, the missionary radio
broadcaster of “The Voice of China and Asia”
revealed to a young Chick exactly how Mao managed to convert the world’s most populous nation
to Godless communism: “They stole the technique
from us!” Chinese spies, Hammond explained, had
observed American children engrossed by comic
books with titles like Scream and Evil; cunningly,
the spies sent word of this irresistible art form to
their scheming superiors in Beijing. The Party
promptly printed millions of yuans worth of cartoon propaganda and won the people to communism. This cartoon coup d’état inspired in Chick
the fight-hellfire-with-hellfire revelation that
launched his mission: if comics could win souls to
the devil, they could win souls to Christ—and to
capitalism.
hick has always broadcast his artistic and
theologic revelations from the Los Angeles
sprawl, a glowing grid that appeared to Mrs. Oedipa Maas in Thomas Pynchon’s most famous
metaphor as a huge transistor circuit whose intri-
C
cate patterns formed “a hieroglyphic sense of concealed meaning, of an intent to communicate…a
revelation” that “trembled…at the center of an odd,
religious instant.” Appropriately enough, Jack
Chick’s own revelation came to him in the City of
Quartz, tuning in to Charles E. Fuller’s Old Fashioned Revival Hour on the radio in 1948. Fuller’s
common, open-to-all fundamentalism converted
Chick to Christianity, and Chick went
on to pepper the salt of the earth
with his odd, brimstone imps.
These booklets, made to be
left anonymously in public
places around the world, are
little heralds of a centuries-old
Cabal bent on apocalypse—
just like Pynchon’s Tristero, an
immense underground postal network
signified by a miniature horn that heralded a historical, world-wide conspiracy. Furthermore, just as
the Tristero centered on the mysterious activities of
the late Pierce Inverarity and his stake in the LA
aerospace
industry, Chick’s network was fostered by George
Otis, then-owner of LA aerospace industry giant
AstroScience, Inc.
4
Of course, Jack Chick doesn’t have a smidgen of
Pynchon’s talent or vision; nevertheless he is the
Thomas Pynchon of fundamentalists. Like Pynchon, Chick worked briefly as a hired artist for the
aerospace industry until leaving it to pursue a more
human craft. After a disillusioning period in a few
minor media spotlights, Chick went into hiding
and has since run his business from a P.O. box in
his grim, penal-colony hometown of Chino and a
ten-thousand square-foot building in nearby Rancho Cucamonga. He doesn’t allow himself to be
photographed, responds to his many detractors
only in letters to his followers or when forced to by
law, and never grants interviews to anyone (not that
this stopped me from getting one, haw haw). Most
importantly Chick shares with Pynchon a passionate concern for the forgotten members of society, whom Chick denominates “the Lost” and Pynchon calls “the preterite.” For Pynchon, the preterite
(from the Latin praeterite, to pass over, go by) are
those left behind by the forces of international capital: the immensely sympathetic mass of immigrant
workers, winos, and “losers,” comparable in our
microsoft age to the unwashed deemed beyond
redemption and predestined to damnation by
Calvinist theologians. For Chick, the Lost are sim-
ply all those who haven’t accepted Jesus Christ as
their personal Saviour, and he couldn’t give two
hoots about their earthly situation, it being a mere
blink preceding a long stare into the dead eye of
hell’s eternity. It’s here at the moral center of both
men’s art that their visions diverge, sharing only a
mistrust of all authority figures and a corollary penchant for mind-boggling conspiracy theories.
All of Chick’s conspiracies center on the Roman
Catholic Church, the “Whore” and sworn enemy of
his one-man cartoon war. Chick describes his independent distributors as “God’s army,” whose job is
“to attack” and “smash the gates of Hell” with the
“ammunition” of his tracts. We know from his letters that Chick was one of the relatively few soldiers to survive the fanatical, hellish slaughter at
Okinawa in World War II; Chick’s subsequent war
on Rome is tellingly described in both leatherneck
and kamikaze terminology. As his “blood boiled in
anger” in a 1984 letter, Chick thundered, “When I
go out, I want to go out with honor, and I want to
take as many with me to Christ as I possibly can.”
Semper fi and banzai.
The process of drawing cartoons is likewise bellicose, and he judges the effectiveness of his comix
“by the intensity of the spiritual warfare” with Satan
5
as he draws them. His long-awaited tract aimed at
Jews, Where’s Rabbi Waxman? (in Hell, of course)
was the most violent battle of his 40-year cartooning career, one Chick lost. Like most ultimately
anti-Semitic fundamentalists, Chick has a fearful
respect of the Jewish people. Ironically, he’s consistently been pro-Israel throughout his battles, steadfastly maintaining in Support Your Local Jew and
Hit Parade that people and nations who disrespect
Israel or the Jews always suffer as a result, his logic
being that the Jews are God’s chosen people who
must be respected and given the latitude to eventually recognize Jesus Christ as their Messiah.
Chick lists a long line of nations and leaders who
have brought destruction on themselves by disrespecting the Jews, and perhaps for this reason he
admits that he “dreaded” drawing a tract for Jews
despite being “bugged…to death” by eager fans
and coworkers. He finally began working on this
project in the mid-90s; he describes the two years
it took him to finish the tract as “two years of
incredible problems, with Satan attacking almost
everyone working in Chick Publications and their
families…. Beloved, Satan did not want this tract
made. He did everything he could to stop us….
After the art was completed, Satan made his final
shot. At 2 a.m. I woke up with my right hand numb
and out of control.” Jack was having a stroke. In a
quintessential Chick moment, Jack describes his
thoughts as the ambulance sped him through the
deserted streets of Chino: “I laughed to myself all
the way to the hospital, and told Satan, ‘You lost
this battle, Satan.Waxman has already been drawn.
This hand will be normal again and serve the
Lord.’”
Chick is deluded: compare his vintage salvos
such as The Beast or A Demon’s Nightmare with the
insipid, Jesus-is-my-fwend tracts for tots he has
scratched out since Waxman and it’s obvious that
neither his drawing hand nor his alreadyprecarious mind recovered from that dark night.
What’s more addled is Chick’s willful ignorance of
6
his very own paranoid, cause-and-effect logic,
which dictates that the God of Israel, not Satan,
withered his drawing hand. Jack gets so carried
away in battle that he ultimately doesn’t really
notice whom or what he’s fighting.
Gung-ho Jack often invokes Christ’s famous line
about bringing not peace but a sword. Chick is
happiest in combat: “I routinely ask my secretary if
we are getting any hate mail. If she says no, I get
upset because I think I’m doing something wrong.”
He says the life of a true Christian is not “a bowl of
cherries” but “a life-and-death spiritual war, suffer-
ing for Christ, having abuse heaped on him, cursed
and hated by relatives and the world…. Beloved, if
no one hates you…you’d better ask the Lord if you
are really in His will.”
Chick need not worry about being in His will, as
his comix have been banned from Canada under a
hate literature law, and his beloved source of information about the Roman Catholic Church, alleged
ex-Jesuit Alberto Rivera (of the Antichrist Information Center of Canoga Park) was exposed as a
fraud by Christianity Today magazine, the Los Angeles Times, and the very Church officials Alberto
claims to have worked for. The usually kook-tolerant Christian Booksellers Association also banned
him in the early 80s, prompting Chick to “resign”
his membership (although sympathetic members
still unofficially vend his publications and allow his
representatives under their tables, as we’ll later see).
This persecution not only seals Chick’s paranoid
logic airtight, it inflates his thought balloon: of
course they all say that, he blows—they’re all
controlled by the Pope too! With characteristic hot air
Chick claims that Alberto had all the documents
necessary to prove his claims that Jesuits started
the Communist Party, the Nazi Party, World War I,
World War II, the Jones town massacre, and hired
a man to shoot their own Pope—but of course he
can’t reveal them: “To divulge the names of people
[Alberto] was associated with could cost them their
lives,” Chick explained in 1980, promising to reveal
the documents at an unspecified future point.
Chick’s thought balloon swells to the bursting
point in his comix, The Godfathers, in which he
shakes his swollen head sadly at the “tragic” gullibility of people who believe in other conspiracy
theories. “It’s a big game,” he sighs, explaining that
secret organizations and intricate theories are created by the Catholic Church as smoke screens to
obscure her own, single plot to take over the entire
earth.
ike a receiver tuned to our cultural wavelengths
of advertising, sex, and godlike power,
L
7
Chick has picked up almost every conceivable
American dream and nightmare and blared his
antipapist synthesis of them back at us in bitter, little cartoon songs of eternal promise and damnation. He’s an American original only because he’s
synthesized every half-baked, fear-based philosophy since rebel Protestant zealots colonized,
milked, and raped the fresh green breast of this
New World. Chick has dedicated his life to fighting
Jesuits,
Druids,
Shriners,
Illuminati, Satanists, vampires, rock music, sodomizers and pedophiles; appropriately, he proudly
claims that his contributing writers and consultants are themselves former Jesuits, Druids,
Shriners, Illuminati, Satanists, vampires, rock musicians, sodomizers and pedophiles. His comix are a
propagandistic conflation of American opposites
that I can only term hardcore Protestant pornography, each embossed with that hallmark of Cold
War advertising techniques, the Unique Selling
Proposition: in this case,“the blood of Jesus Christ
washes you clean!”
Consider the following scenarios. One: a naive,
lonely, high-school girl is invited to spend the night
by her young female teacher. Lonely girl arrives that
night and finds a pillow party of young women in
pajamas and bathrobes anxiously awaiting her
arrival. Zoom to woman sitting with one leg
draped over the back of her chair and one foot on
the floor. “Hey Mandy,” she smiles. “Want to learn
some really neat things?” Two: a masked burglar
penetrates a dwelling but is welcomed by the
unusually friendly occupant. The two hug and the
scene ends with the burglar crying, “I want it! I
want it!” and dropping on his hands and knees to
the floor. Three: a fiery Italian nurse slips unnoticed into an intensive care ward; she holds a sharp
instrument against the surprised patient’s neck to
hush him and tells him that she has been ordered
to love him. Four: a young, unmarried couple who
are “all love, man,” are invited into a bachelor’s pad
by its two muscular occupants, who have been
hoping they’d come. After gasping and sobbing
with joy the couple leaves “20 minutes later”
relieved and grateful. Five: a bearded hipster in a
turtleneck enters a gay bar and asks a lonely guy if
this seat is taken. Bearded turtleneck tells lonely
guy that he knows “a special love” that can “fill that
emptiness,” adding, “You’ve tried everything else.”
The two leave the bar together and we see a final
shot: lonely guy raises his eyes to the
ceiling and says, “I want you to control everything,” while bearded turtleneck clenches his fist
in grim passion.
This is spiritual porn, pure sadomasochistic fantasy with an emphasis on the rhetorical foreplay
leading up to the inevitable seduction and submission to Jesus Christ. The money shot, when it
comes, is a close-up of the humiliated but grateful
sinner gasping, sobbing, and quaking with passion
as the salty body fluid of tears coat his or her
8
smooth, round cheeks. Even if the sinner rejects
Jesus Christ we get to see him on his knees gasping,
sobbing, and quaking with passionate agony before
an unmoved Jesus on the Day of Judgment. Either
way, the sadistic Chick gets his fix. Chick calls these
lost souls “broken” in his first printed tract, Why No
Revival? “Fill me with your love,” a man prays on his
knees, his rump turned to face the reader: “I’m vile
and unworthy.”
There are numerous variations: a bound and
gagged woman sweet-talks her rough-and-tumble
captors into joining her on the floor; a waitress at
a truck stop can’t resist joining the shocking
intimacy displayed by a threesome at her table; two
young bucks with bibles knock on the door of a
lonely, middle-aged woman. The doctor’s office is
the most common fantasy—the white coat of pseudoscience whitewashing Chick’s superstitious
claims—but all the fantasies use the conventions of
pornography: strangers meet (they are often
celebrity lookalikes) and through a sequence of
wooden dialogue, bad acting, and clunky transitions immediately establish an unrealistic level of
intimacy
climaxing with the words
“gasp!” “sob,” and joyous closeups of squirting, salty body fluids. After the action a lame joke
serves as the coda and the
entire act is titled with a
ripped-off mainstream movie
title or pop-culture phrase:
Miss Universe, The Gay Blade,
or Superman. Chick tracts are
9
the Tijuana bibles of Christianity, plain and simple.
(For those of you not “in the know,” Tijuana bibles
were primitive porno comix in a tiny rectangular
format widely circulated throughout the early and
mid-twentieth century.)
Jack’s masturbatory obsession with the seduction
and humiliation of conversion is so all-consuming
that the tracts themselves began to appear in tracts
and stimulate the climax. In these comix-withincomix, our man doesn’t even show the
theology of the seduction to us, only the icon of the
tract itself, which immediately prompts an ejaculatory tear from the featured sinner. When an
object is so strongly associated with an emotional
process that the object alone begins to create that
emotion, it is a fetish.
this addiction to his tracts. His catalog states,
“Nobody can resist cartoons…once [the readers]
are hooked, each tract delivers a simple gospel message anyone can understand.”The propaganda comprising that simple gospel message is of course customized in each tract to cater to the particular
obsessions and susceptibilities of its target audi-
The fetish is not only part of sexual pornography,
it’s the key component of commercial pornography, also known as advertising. As Pagan
Kennedy noted in her 1992 Village Voice deconstruction of Chick’s own “brand” of Christianity,
“His comic books are advertisements that, instead
of selling a product, sell more of themselves. Thus
Chick comes as close as he can to turning communication into addiction.” I agree with Pagan’s
assertion that Chick tracts sell themselves; after
all, I spent most of 1997 with one eyeball darting
about the dim cityscape for telltale rectangular
booklets, but I would add that Chick is selling a
product: your own personal Saviour™, which we’ll
get to in a minute. Chick’s own language revels in
10
ence, but the foundation of Chick’s message is
based on the power of blood sacrifice.
That’s right, blood sacrifice: an altar, a wiggling
innocent, the priest, the knife, the blood.You know
the routine from every Satanic movie ever made.
The particulars of Chick’s belief in blood sacrifice
are often beneath the surface of his wee tracts but
are illustrated in their gory glory in his full-length,
full-color comix, particularly The Gift and his
comix Bible, King of Kings. If you think Chick’s a
monster for advocating a theology that holds sacred
the slaughter of innocents, make room for a hell of
a lot more monsters in your life. The nominally
barbaric practice of slaughtering innocents is central to our Judeo-Christian tradition and thus all of
western “civilization.” Chick quotes sternly and
often from Hebrews 9:22—“Without blood there
can be no remission of sins.” This is mainstream
Christianity, and whether they acknowledge it or
not,
all
Jews
and Christians do believe in blood sacrifice to varying degrees.
The ancient Jews sacrificed animals daily to their
god,Yahweh, and then burned the corpse to ashes in
order to make it a whole offering (meaning that
they couldn’t then carry the lamb home and have
a barbecue: you can’t have your blood sacrifice and
eat it too). Although all three major denominations
in Judaism no longer practice blood sacrifice for
various reasons, the Orthodox still have prayers for
its reinstitution in the future. The
celebration of Passover commemorates the biggest
blood sacrifice in Jewish history, when every Jew in
Egypt butchered a lamb and smeared the blood on
their front doors to protect them from Yahweh, who
passed through Egypt that night and slaughtered
every oldest child and every oldest animal in every
household in Egypt, only passing over those with
a blood sacrifice already dripping from their door.
Yahweh—whatta guy!
Why did He demand this blood sacrifice?
According to Chick (and many respectable theologians) it’s because every time we sin God gets so
damn angry that he demands something entirely
free of sin—namely, an innocent animal—die a
horrible, bloody death. In other words, God has a
bad case of misplaced aggression. The consequences of following such a grim deity are frightening, to say the least; in fact, the act of blood sacrifice is exactly what the word holocaust means: a
whole, burnt offering. Leaving aside the fascinating
reasons why this word was chosen to name the
11
most notorious genocide of the 20th century, this
misplaced aggression can be seen either as a horrific way to slash and burn your way to redemption
or as a means to metaphorically teach a tough but
true lesson; namely, that you should not sin because
there’ll be no lamb chops tonight, and most importantly, your sin always causes the innocent to suffer.
If
you
think
about
blood
sacrifice you’ll see that this world view is cruel, irrational, and accurate: other people always pay for
your fuckups, and you always pay for other people’s
fuckups.That’s the truth, Ruth, at least in my life—
and I’m an atheist.
Of course the Christians claim they’ve found a
way out of this—and don’t those smug bastards
always find a loophole? They claim that blood sacrifice is no longer necessary because Yahweh—
whom they insist is named “Jesus Christ”—came
down to earth in the form of a man and loved us
so much that he allowed himself to be blood
sacrificed by an angry mob of Jews and Romans.
Jesus Christ is apparently still smarting from this
experience as he’s decreed that his own personal
blood sacrifice was bigger than all the rest, so big,
in fact, that it paid for every sin that could ever be
committed by anyone, including Idi Amin and Ivan
Brunetti. If you don’t buy this, well, Jesus promises to have you brutally tortured in Hell
forever by his former main man, Lucifer.
These are the bloody roots of the cliché about
Jews and Christians: Jews are controlled by guilt,
Blood sacrifice now mocks the blood sacrifice of Jesus, says Chick.
Christians by fear. Catholic Christians basically
argued that you earn your way out of Hell by doing
good deeds, what they call “works;” the first Protes-
tant, Martin Luther, argued that faith in Jesus was
a foundation that necessarily preceded works. The
ultimate Protestant, the man at the end of the land,
LA-LA’s own Jack T. Chick, argues that you can
belly up to JC’s hotdog stand and order your footlong, red-hot salvation without the works at all.
Last year’s tract, Gun Slinger, serves as an illustration of Chick’s philosophy.
Terrible Tom the gunslinger is summoned to the
frontier town of Bottlesville by Bart, the scarred
saloonkeeper.“Who do you want me to kill?” utters
the equally scarred Terrible Tom, his mouth and
black mustache forming a double frown. Bart’s
answer: kill the preacher man. Tom immediately
lumbers toward the church. His eyes sag under the
weight of contemplating yet another murder, but
his lids hang steady at half-mast,
leveled by a lifetime spent staring straight into the
eye of a Christless eternity.
In gallops the traditional hero, as smooth as the
nap on his ten-gallon hat. With a smile like the
slats of a freshly-painted picket fence, the Marshall
is the white epitome of Western law and order. He
pardons and much-obliges his way to Bottlesville
clutching a poster of Terrible Tom reading,
Wanted for Murder. By the time the Marshall gets
12
to Bottlesville, he and his grinning posse are just in
time to surround the church, save the preacher man,
and bring Terrible Tom to justice, American-style.
The next morning, Terrible Tom’s neck cracks with
the dawn as the gallows and gravity do their work.
Chick zooms into the Marshall’s face and the
heart of his grotesque paradox. “At last!” the Marshall gloats, his eyes buried so deep in the dark of
their sockets that the pupils are like two bullets
rushing from their barrels. “Terrible Tom got exactly what he deserved.” This force for law and order
rides triumphantly off into the sunset, where he is
bitten by a giant rattlesnake right on the face—
YAAAAH!—and taken straight down to hell for all
of eternity. In the final panel we see this would-behero burning in agony in midair, his arms spread
like Christ tacked to an invisible cross (a revealing
unconscious move on Chick’s part).
And Tom? We see the once-terrible Tom robed in
white, his bald dome agleam with Gabriel’s light
and the glow of his own laughter. His eyes squint
shut with mirth as he sheds a single tear of joy and
waves goodbye to the reader from atop his cloud.
Yup—Terrible Tom accepted Jesus Christ just
before his death. Despite a lifetime of robbery, rape,
sin and murder, Tom made the smart choice at the
last possible second. All faith and no works makes
Tom a good angel.
That’s your light-as-air option: Heaven’s a onetime-only, limited-time offer, free with His paid
Crucifixion. Why pay more? Buy before you die!
Chick’s moronic loophole interpretation of
so throughout his little “works.” In Happy Halloween, his Sunday-school teacher mouthpiece says,
“Don’t make the mistake of believing that good
people go to heaven and bad people go to hell.
That’s a lie straight from the devil.” In
another adorable Chicklet “work,” The Poor Pope?,
he claims that the “underground,” or “true church
of Jesus Christ” was established to convert souls
only, not to “get bogged down in social welfare or
spin its wheels trying to solve social justice problems.”Thank God that nobody besides Chick actually thinks this way—right?
hick’s all-American, anti-Catholic, anti-immigrant, anti-everything ideology has its
roots in a mythos propagated by the inappropriately-named Native American political party of the
mid-1800s, appropriately nicknamed the “Know
Nothings.” These Know Nothings were White
Anglo-Saxon Protestants who, when asked about
their anti-Catholic beliefs, uniformly replied, “I
know nothing.” One touchstone for their antiCatholicism was an 1853 text called The Two Babylons, by Reverend Alexander Hislop. It’s a detailed
and, considering its bias, fairly accurate investigation of the pagan origins of Christianity, outlining
C
Martin Luther proves that he couldn’t care less
about the good or evil in this world; he even says
13
the ways in which Saturnalian revels eventually
became
Christmas
and
Babylonian
fertility figures metamorphosed into our mythical
virgin mother and child. Of course, the fact that the
Protestant Reformation itself grew out of the original Christian Church undercuts Hislop’s own antipapist argument, but Hislop and his minions like
Chick patch up those holes with the usual elaborate, specious “grafting” arguments common to
most religious necromancers.The amazingly Manichean thing about Chick is that he has to actually
believe in this Babylonian “mystery” religion in
order to fully refute it.
The alpha and omega of this mystery religion are
two fascinating sex partners known as Nimrod and
Semiramis. Nimrod and Semiramis are Satan’s own
Adam and Eve; what they represent, obviously, is
the pairing of masculinity and femininity. Nimrod,
from the charged second syllable of his name to
his abundant body hair all the way to the tip of the
ridiculous aphrodisiac rhinoceros horn atop his
head, is the embodiment of testosterone. Semiramis
is the most beautiful woman who ever lived—and
the most evil, of course. She’s the essence of estrogen, often shown wearing v-shaped jewelry on her
forehead and low neckline, especially in her Roman
14
incarnation as Venus, that suggests the very delta of
femininity. Even her name is an onomatopoetic
hiss, silky smooth as naked skin or a serpentine
temptress; in fact, her name is a near-palindrome,
crafty
enough
to
terrify someone as superstitious as Chick.The twist
is this: Semiramis is not only Nimrod’s wife, she’s
his mother. Semiramis married, had a son—Nimrod—then married this son and had another son,
claiming not only that the second son was the first
son reincarnated but that, to top it all, she was still
a virgin—son of a bitch! Semiramis is the supermother, and Chick hates her. He hates Nimrod
because Nimrod is obviously the repressed oedipal
Chick never misses an opportunity to show the slaughter of the innocents, when King Herod of Israel butchered every male infant in Bethlehem.
id; Nimrod’s embraced his mother, just like the
Roman Catholic Church, whose veneration of the
mother Virgin Mary is, according to Chick, veneration of none other than Semiramis herself. Chick
calls the Roman Catholic Church the Mother of
Abominations, The Mother of all Harlots, the
Whore of Babylon, and the Whore of Revelation.
Where did all of Chick’s motherfucking hatred
come from?
There is only one clue, appropriately Freudian, in
a letter introducing his anti-abortion tract, Baby
Talk. “How many of the millions of little souls
snuffed out in our nation’s wickedness were chosen
by God for a special purpose?….When I was forty
years old my own mother told me how she tried to
have me aborted.” Make of this what you will, as it’s
the only reference Chick has ever made to a parent.
After centuries of Byzantine plots, counter plots,
double-crosses and astounding ironic reversals this
mother worship has covered the entire earth and
enslaved people to various incarnations of Satan’s
own Queen of Heaven. Chick thinks the adoration
of the Virgin Mary dandling the Baby Jesus is a
thinly-disguised adoration of Semiramis and lil’
Nimrod and that’s his primal justification for his
relentless attacks on Rome, although he’s got plen-
15
ty of others that are just as good. For one, he thinks
Catholics pray to the Virgin Mary and not Jesus
because they believe Mary sits with Jesus up in
heaven, telling him that she suffered just as much
as he did, and that she suffered for his sake; she
nags and pleads with Jesus until he finally caves in
to her requests. In other words, Jesus has a stereotypical Jewish mother. Chick sums up his feelings
for his “precious Roman Catholics” thus: “We can
lead them, instead of to a dead Christ
on a crucifix, to a Jesus who is alive and well in
heaven, and is not listening to the Virgin Mary giv-
ing him orders.”
The mama’s boy is a recurring bugaboo in Chick’s
world, from the first boy born on earth, Cain
(“spoiled rotten” by Eve), to the first Jew, Jacob
(“sneaky, like his mama”), to Satan’s el numero uno,
Nimrod, the ultimate mama’s boy. This mistrust of
matriarchy not only complements the obvious craving for patriarchy inherent in worshipping a Protestant Father and Son, it also signifies a protest against
all forms of authority. You name any authority,
Chick has slammed it: moms, dads, teachers, cops,
psychiatrists, professors, kings, queens, Pharisees,
emperors, Caesars and of course Popes. I think
that’s the reason Chick tracts are hate literature—
deep down, Chick just hates authority figures, not
flesh-and-blood people. Who better to declare war
on than the remote, pointy-hat wearing figurehead
of
the
single most powerful force in the history of
western civilization?
Chick’s an individualist, a loner protesting even
Protestant forms of organization. In his Battle Cry
interview, Chick says that he had to leave his own
church (a “Jesus Only” congregation, meaning that
Jesus, not God, created the Universe) after he
exposed its “sin and hypocrisy” in his first published comic: “I got the cold shoulder because I
drew some people…in the choir, and they recognized themselves.” Chick’s no choir boy; he refers
to well-known evangelists as “the biggies on Christian television,” and always refers to himself in
minuscule terms: living in “my little home,” dri-
16
ving “my little Renault,” and running “little Chick
Publications.” Of course this much humility on display points to a megalomania reveling in underdog
status, a little David who fancies himself slinging
stones at the Goliath religions.
ittle Chick began by selfpublishing, as do most underground comix artists, and his
subterranean birth is predictably
swaddled in conflicting half-truths
of authenticity and rebellion. The
creation myth Chick has settled on
in recent years asserts that in 1958
he laid out the foundation for his
first and most famous tract, This
Was Your Life!, at his kitchen table.
He then presented the cartoons to
inmates in a prison camp in the
foothills above Chino, where nine
of the eleven present accepted Christ. Today over
60 million copies of This Was Your Life! have circulated the globe. Chick’s most detailed creation
myth is related in his Battle Cry interview. It begins
with him working on Why No Revival? whenever
he could: during his lunch hour, on his coffee
break, and at home until late into the night. After
completing Why No Revival? Chick showed it to a
“little lady who ran a small gospel bookstore” and
told her that he doubted his cartoons could be pub-
L
lished because “they hit too hard.” The little old
lady suggested that he publish them himself but
Chick crumpled Why No Revival? and threw it in
the trash. Back in his car he cried out, “Lord, if you
want me to do this book, I need a verse about the
leaven of the Pharisees and I don’t know where it
is.” Chick shut his eyes and cracked open his Bible
to a random verse. “I opened my left eye and my
hair went straight on end,” he remembers. “It said,
‘Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.’ I was so
charged, I went in and started
drawing like crazy.”
Chick borrowed eight hundred
dollars from a credit union (“It
took me two years to pay it off ”),
self-published the redrawn Why
No Revival? and began distributing it himself to bookstores. After
being cold-shouldered out of his
church and getting “creamed” and
“shot down” by the Lutherans,
who evaluated his work as “terrible” and “unrealistic,” Chick
found himself again struck by
divine inspiration, again in his car
(this is LA, after all). Now he had
an eight-hundred dollar debt, brand-new pariah
status, and another tract, A Demon’s Nightmare—
one of his best, I think—that needed to be printed.
But nobody would help: “A lot of the bookstores
were really outraged at some guy putting out these
cartoons. They thought it was sacrilegious. But I
17
knew in my heart that it would work.”
Broke, outcast, and with little or no audience,
deliverance came in the form of George Otis, aerospace industry zillionaire and brand-new owner of
AstroScience, Inc., where Chick worked as staff cartoonist. Chick had heard that Otis
was a Christian and gave a copy
of Why No Revival? to Otis’ secretary. Chick remembers being summoned into Otis’ office one day:
“It was like walking in to the holy
of holies,” Jack remembers. Otis
declared Chick “a man of God”
and offered to help finance A
Demon’s Nightmare. “I couldn’t
believe my ears!” Jack exclaims.
Forty years later, four hundred
million sold.
hick’s incubation in the seat
of the military-industrial
complex, with just enough
of
a
corporate push to get him flying on his own, makes
him part of that bizarre SoCal camp that the cultural critic Mike Davis, in his exegesis of the hidden meanings of Los Angeles, City of Quartz, dubs
The Sorcerers: men influenced equally by bedrock
Midwestern fundamentalism, black magick, New
Age good vibrations, science fiction, and money
from Pynchonesque rocket scientists—making our
hardassed little Chick a first or second cousin of
Chick’s a skinhead outsider, so busy pointing fingers at other factions with charges of selling out to
The System it’s a wonder he has time to crank out
his own controversial, self-published rants, which of
course he gives free to prisoners and sells to his indy
distributors at a slim to nil
profit margin. If this
scenario sounds familiar, it
should: simply put, Chick is
punk as fuck. This says more
about bogus contemporary
notions of “punk” than about
Chick, but it’s a useful label
for the way in which Chick’s
rebellious persona shows its
face in his comix.
tudy Chick’s portraits
and you’ll see that his
villains’ mugs are
exquisitely rendered in comparison to the generic, jut-jawed good guys. Chick
gleaned
from
his
early
prison
ministry an undeniable appreciation for badass outlaws. Although his earliest works show an unusual
but compelling emphasis on the lurid details of the
S
C
eerie LA luminaries such as L. Ron Hubbard and
Walt Disney.
But hardassed Chick has far more integrity than
your run-of-the-mill Dream Factory wizard with
fantasies of massive wealth and nubile concubines.
18
gospel and everyday life (such as the “Me” character’s drunken, club-wielding father in Somebody
Loves Me), Chick eventually learned along with
most propagandists in the 60s and 70s that the socalled counterculture was actually fertile soil in
which to plant the seeds of mainstream consumption and submission. Just as the masses boomed,
“Free love!” but ultimately bought love for sale,
Chick astutely recognized that submoronic satan-
ic rockers, witches, and bow-to-baba gurus, with
their zealous emphasis on pre-packaged answers to
life’s most difficult questions, were the “rebels” most
susceptible to his product, your own personal Saviour™. These Satanists wouldn’t be blatantly
rebelling against Christianity unless they already
believed in it, much in the same way that Chick
himself actually believes in the power of Satan and
his Babylonian mystery religion. With perfect Nazi
logic, Chick began using Satan to sell Jesus—or is
it the other way around?
A signature Chick scene is what I call the badassto-badass scenario: two men, often bald (Chick is
clearly working out his own hair loss problems in
his comix) and badly scarred, face off in a theological showdown prefaced and/or resolved with
the information that the good guy used to be a bad
guy. Gangbanger Gomez accepts Jesus from a
chaplain, “a dude used to be meaner than me.” A
commie terrorist beats a missionary bloody with
his rifle butt and remarks that the stoic missionary
would have made a good commie; “I was,” the missionary affirms through mashed lips, prompting
the commie to untie him. Tattooed trucker Duke
calls Jesus a sissy but is convinced otherwise by a
7-foot trucker with bowling-ball biceps. The list
goes on and on: big bad Leroy Brown, blaxploitation mofo; the Bull, breaker of legs for Christ; Bad
Bob
the
biker,
Terrible
Tom
the
gunslinger—in fact, being an alliteratively-named
erstwhile bad guy is almost a prerequisite for the
job of good-guy salesman in Chick’s universe.
This aesthetic reached its apogee with the 1974
creation of Jim Carter and Tim Clark (note the
combined initials of J.T.C.), the Crusaders. Jim and
Tim were a black-and-white dynamic duo in a
lurid, four-color world, a badass yin and yang who
19
smuggled microfilm bibles behind the Iron Curtain
and karate-chopped anyone who got in their way.
The bible-beating nuts were of course both former
killers,
well-endowed
with
the
muscular, airbrushed homoeroticism common to
all good manly pairs in comic exploits.
The key to Chick’s obsession with street cred
clicks in a 1986 open letter, wherein he describes
bumping into some of his old high-school buddies
at the Church of the Open Door in Los Angeles.
Stunned to discover they were long-time Biblebelievers, Jack demanded: “When we were playing
handball back in High School, why didn’t you tell
me about Jesus? I could have been killed in New
Guinea or Okinawa and would have gone straight
to hell.” Jack’s buddy replied that the gang had held
a powwow to discuss whether or not to tell Chick
about Jesus, and had decided it was ultimately
pointless: they figured Jack Chick “would be the
last guy on earth to receive Him.”
The message behind the mask of J.T.C.’s rebellious character is this: your own personal Saviour™
doesn’t mess with your cherished rebel identity—
it enhances it. Simply put, JC lets you be you, only
more so. Like every manly hamburger,
feminist tampon, and extreme pizza, your new
identity as a bigger, better, badder fighter is
bestowed on you by an outside force more powerful than you have ever known—not capital in this
case but Christ, although the two work in identical ways. That’s Chick’s bottom line, and his Saviour™ is the product that worked for him, and that’s
why he’s been selling it to you for 40 years. Chick
is a sympathetic but pathetic Babbitt, that rare
salesman who actually believes in what he’s hawk-
ing. He’s a big kid who never grew up, and this outlaw Christian persona is his unique solution to the
paradox tearing him between the two poles of
rebellion and obedience. He’ll never bow to anyone—except an invisible man.
20
he real invisible man with godlike powers
in Chick’s comix is his badass mystery
artist. It’s apparent that at least two artists
have illustrated Chick’s comix: the first is Chick
himself, with his occasionally inspired, traditional
gagcartoon style; the second
artist, however, has never
signed his work in over twenty-five years, making him the
unsung genius of underground comix. His anonymous illustrations depict the
spiritual torment of humanity (and divinity—check his
crucifixion scenes) with
grotesque gusto.The pure evil
emanating from the folds of
his sinner’s faces is downright
palpable, fine striations that
render bodies so vigorous, so
venomous, so physical that Chick’s message seems
undeniable. This mystery artist is Chick’s Word
made Flesh.
Of course this anonymity makes his work that
much more delicious, so it was somewhat disap-
T
pointing to discover that he is indeed Fred Carter,
the name he’s been rumored to have ever since it
appeared in tiny credits on two of Chick’s longout-of-print prose books. In an extremely rare public appearance Chick outed his silent partner in a
1980 letter to The Comics Journal. In it Chick
expressed his “sincerest appreciation” for Cat Yronwode’s recent positive review of the Crusaders
series: “The compliments for the Crusaders series
belong to Mr. Fred Carter…. Fred is rather shy and
declines to put his name on the art.” Chick
explained that he supplied his writing and rough
layouts to Carter, who “takes it from there,” and
added with characteristic self-deprecation that his
own artwork had not improved at all as Carter’s
had, which begins to explain the
evolution of Carter’s style over the
years.
Carter’s first work for Chick,
1972’s The Frame-Up, was simple,
wooden, and clearly drawn from
something more substantial than a
rough layout; at several points it’s
obvious that Carter was merely inking in Chick’s pencils. By the time
Carter illustrated The Gay Blade later that year his own style had
become dominant, and just three
years later he was producing hellacious work like Hi There!, just a
notch below his late 70s masterpieces, Soul Story and The Sissy? Carter’s artwork
continued to evolve so much that I was formerly
tempted to credit it to several mystery artists. Carter
is a commercial artist and photo swipe realist, as
Yronwode noted in the Journal review that prompt-
21
ed Chick’s outing, and this commerciallybased flexibility is the foundation of his
chameleon styles: the Frazettaesque oil cover
of Primal Man?; the Foster-like line drawings
of man and lions in The Next Step, the sponge
and airbrush colors of the Crusaders series,
and the stipples and soft, charcoal gray renderings of the more recent Bible tract series.
The hallmark of Fred Carter’s stylistic virtuosity was his use of the Filipino inking style,
a quirk so evident that it was the foundation
of the “Artist J” theory once postulated by a
comix professional and Imp patron saint.The
Filipino style was characteristic of the prime
suspect for attribution, Jesus Jodloman, and
his peers: Ernesto Cruz, Alfredo Alcala,
Ruben Yandoc, and others who illustrated
hundreds and hundreds of the otherwise cutrate DC horror tales I devoured as a kid.
Carter’s use of this style began in the mid to
late 70s—his best period—immediately after
Jesus Jodloman began to devote himself to
“biblical illustrations,” according to The World
Encyclopedia of Comics. Although Jodloman
returned to illustrating barbarians and horror
tales like “Slaves of Satan” in the early 80s (not
really much of a change from the horrific,
infidel-packed Bible), Jodloman’s and Carter’s
styles were similar enough that they appeared
to be from the same artistic family or perhaps
the same person. Now that we know they’re
not (the Journal letter and Fred Carter phone
interview, which we’ll get to in a moment,
having only recently come to light), I suspect
22
that Carter saw these Jodloman illustrations, wherever they were, and was so influenced by them that
he adopted not only their inking techniques—
quivering heads and fists, boldly crosshatched backgrounds—but their idiosyncratic layouts as well.
Or perhaps Carter read lots of satanic horror
comics in his spare time, damn good training for
illustrating Chick’s nightmares.
It’s odd that an artist of Carter’s powers drew
increasingly poorly as the infamous Alberto series
Women don’t rattle Jim Carter like they do Tim Clark. (See also p. 8)
(the final five of the seventeen Crusaders comix)
continued. As Alberto’s talking head spun incessant, verbose conspiracies, power-structure charts of
Satan’s realms and photos of Popes and Jesuits
crowded out Carter’s increasingly hurried-looking
flesh and blood until the final Alberto comic, 1988’s
The Prophet, when Carter only airbrushed the
forms, colors, and contours and left the line work
to someone else, a third Chick artist completely
incapable of working at Fred’s level. The “inking”
looked bitmapped, as though it were—horror of
horrors—done on a computer. Fred’s cover for that
issue is one of his best, so I doubt that his dropout
was due to the health problems that have slowed
him in recent years, especially as the Bible tract
series following The Prophet is characteristically
beautiful work. Perhaps Carter had enough of
Alberto’s malarkey, like most people besides Chick,
and simply refused to be a part of it any longer. I’d
like to think so, and I’d like to think that Chick’s
subsequent move into Bible tracts was Fred’s suggestion. Going back to the Bible was one of Chick’s
few, if only, good moves as an artist in the 90s, and
we do know that Fred Carter, unlike Chick, is a
minister and would be more at home with the
Word than with cockamamie twentieth-century
political science. (But then again Fred Carter is one
of my artistic heroes, so I’m biased—and remember: The Imp hero worships too much.)
We know that Carter is a minister from Chick’s
Journal letter, where Chick also mentioned that
Carter “looks very much like the Black Crusader,
James Carter.” This second grain of information
about the mysterious artist is my only evidence for
a long-held suspicion, now a full-blown and selfindulgent theory, that Fred Carter is from my
Grainy detail from Ramir the barbarian, by Jesus Jodloman. ©Halaklak.
23
adopted hometown of Chicago. James Carter was
introduced in the first Crusaders comic, 1974’s
Operation Bucharest, as Big Jim Carter, the drugdealing Black militant and original “bad dude.” As
Big Jim stalked down the flat, rapidly clearing sidewalk, his biceps bunched and flares flapping in the
gray air as he prepared to stomp any
who
got in his way, an El train sat on its tracks in the
background. Could be Noo Yawk, except that the
other bad mofo modeled on Fred Carter, Soul Story’s big bad Leroy Brown, lived in a flat, gray, rainy
city with the unmistakable profile of the Hancock
building (“The World’s Most Recognized Build-
ing™”) looming in the background of the drive-by
shooting scene. As final proof, after Big Jim accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour and
became mild-mannered James Carter, we met him
in “a little church outside Chicago” (my emphasis).
That’s the clincher: sick of drink, drugs, and crime,
Jim put away his wild years and unfortunately, like
too many Chicagoans, moved to the cursed suburbs. As his faith in the Lord grew James Carter
moved to Los Angeles, an entire city of suburbs.
Fantagraphics Books’ Eric Reynolds recently
located and phoned the real-life Mr. Carter at his
LA area home. Fred was very polite as he told Eric
that he was the only artist to work for Chick, except
for one assistant who’d worked there for a short
while about ten years ago whose name he couldn’t
remember (almost certainly the inker who ruined
The Prophet). Carter added that he was fresh out of
his one year of art school when he began working
for Jack in 1972, and attributed any and all of his
talent or growth as an artist directly to God. It was
clear to Reynolds that Carter didn’t want any credit or recognition and was merely being polite in
saying anything at all; to return the sentiment,
Reynolds decided not to bother him with the hundreds of questions he had ready. He thanked Carter
24
for his time and hung up. “I like the unknown element of his work,” Eric explained. “I don’t really
want to ruin the mystery.” To that I say, Amen,
brother: let Fred Carter be. At the end of my long
quest to find the mystery man, I too have decided
to let the mystery have only a name.
f course I have no intention of letting fat
Jack Chick off the hook. What say we sneak
O
into Chick Publications and spy on old Jack? Enter
Dwayne Walker, our Imp deep agent in Jack
Chick’s inner circle. Dwayne is a Los Angeles filmmaker with a life-long interest in Chick. “I got
interested in Chick tracts the same way that I got
interested in Mad magazine,” he told me in the first
of a series of 1997 interviews.“At junior high school
in New Jersey kids would pass Mad comics around
the classroom and I got turned on to them. I was
really warped by them. After my parents divorced
in the early 70s my mom and I moved to Jacksonville, Florida. Once we were there my mom
thought that I’d get involved in drugs and gangs if
I went to public schools, so she enrolled me in a
fundamentalist Christian school that had been
established primarily to keep white kids from going
to school with black kids. At this Christian school
kids would pass these little comics around the classroom, and when I saw them I was really warped by
them.”
What, Dwayne worry? “I opened up a Chick tract
and it said: if you don’t accept Jesus you’re going to
suffer. You’re going to burn in Hell.”
Terrified, Dwayne prayed the prayer of salvation
and began to haunt Christian bookstores, collecting as many Chick tracts as he could. A kind of
binary opposition between Alfred E. Neuman and
Jesus Christ figured at the heart of the spiritual battles that raged in Dwayne throughout the remainder of his youth. He detailed these battles in his
autobiography, Spring Break Missionaries, and
recently wrote and directed his semi-autobiographical feature film, Bible Madness, the story of
two young bucks armed with Chick tracts going
door-to-door for God—especially the door of two
young women sunning by their pool in thong bikinis. The story’s an ironic reversal of the Chick tract
The Visitors; in fact, that’s the very tract the two
fundy studs push on the tan, buff babes. Dwayne
took this film and half-a-dozen of his other projects
to the 1997 Christian Booksellers Association convention, where he found his way inside Chick Publications.
“I was a the Jeremiah Films booth,” he began.
“They’re fundamentalist filmmakers who do The
Clinton Chronicles, among other things. They’re
crooks: the most corrupt, untrustworthy people.
They had two representatives there: one was an older lady who reminded me of Dana Carvey’s The
Church Lady; she was telling me to pray to the
Lord for a pseudonym to protect myself from freethought organizations.The other guy was trying to
2525
sell me a fake ID guaranteed to get me into newsworthy events for seventy-five bucks. He even
talked like a gangster.” While the pair pressed their
wares on Dwayne he heard about a “major upcoming Chick film project” from a young man nearby
named Randy. Randy turned out to be a Chick
Publications employee; Dwayne told Randy that, as
a longtime admirer of Chick, he’d like to help with
Chick’s film in any capacity possible. He offered
his consulting services and his business card. A few
days later Dwayne’s phone rang and the machine
picked it up. “This soft-spoken voice said, ‘Hi
Dwayne, this is Jack Chick calling.’ So I picked up
the phone immediately and said, ‘Hello, Mr.
Chick!’
“We talked to establish a time to meet for a consultation. Jack asked me to be flexible because of
family problems: his daughter is very sick in the
hospital. When I went out to Rancho Cucamonga
to meet Jack the gatekeepers at his office treated
me just as warmly as you’d expect them to treat a
man with a beard and hair down to his shoulders.
I told the receptionist I had an appointment with
Mr. Chick and she looked me up and down. Very
stern. She told me to have a seat and everybody
disappeared into the back for a while. Eventually
Chick came out and greeted me.
“At first I thought he was a mild-mannered,
older gentleman: he wore pants and a loose, regu-
The Visitors return to the home of a lonely, middle-aged woman.
lar shirt, no tie, very casual. He’s chunky, almost
completely bald. There’s a little white hair around
his ears but none on top. He’s a dead ringer for Slim
Pickens. In fact, if you were to put a picture of Slim
Pickens in your zine and say, ‘This is the closest we
could come to an actual photo of Jack T. Chick,’
you wouldn’t be far from the mark. Anyway, Jack
was really, really enthusiastic but I wasn’t expecting
him to be a wild man. He took me back into his
office.The door doesn’t say Jack Chick; it says THE
WAR ROOM. So I stepped into the War Room.”
All the way around Chick’s office were shelves
lined with videotapes: old movies, Bible epics, and
the entire Friday the 13th series. Chick explained
that he only uses dead celebrities as models in his
comics so that nobody can sue him. He began
pointing them out to
Dwayne: “Here’s Tyrone
Power, here’s Stewart
Granger as Lot in
Sodom and Gomorrah…he grew really,
really excited.” Dwayne
began by expressing his
genuine admiration for
Chick. Jack, he said, had done
a lot of
things Pictures
in his
Slim Pickens.
© Columbia
26
life and art—such as showing a black woman giving a white woman mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
in 1977’s The Gift—that were truly revolutionary in
fundamental circles. “It just rolled off him like
water off a duck’s back. He could not take any
praise; he wants God to have all the glory.” So
Dwayne showed Chick his film and video work to
give him an idea of what he could do, beginning
with an educational video, Ancient Secrets of the
Bible, and some witnessing scenes from Bible Madness (carefully avoiding the scenes with actual
Chick tracts and the main character’s conversion
to atheism). “Chick smiled and nodded at these.
Then came the big one, a music video I did for a
Goth rock band called Babylonian Tiles. It was a
risk, a big gamble, but I had to do it because if you
were making a film of Chick’s comics you’d have to
be able to do this kind of stuff.”
This kind of stuff is your good old satanic rock
music video: a girl with tattoos on her face sings,
“He’s dead, he’s dead,” while druidic-looking hippies whale away on guitars and thunder their
drums amid belching smoke pots, crucifixes, and
a flashing light show while females writhe in white,
see-through dresses and a goateed man in a loincloth prances about with horns on his head.
“Chick’s eyes got really big. He said, ‘Did you do
this?’ He got this big smile on his face. ‘This is
great!’ He loved it. He loved it.”
Chick excitedly outlined to Dwayne his own project and the mission behind it. “Chick’s had some
heart problems, a recent stroke, and he
doesn’t know how long he is for this
world. Before he goes he wants to do
something that will really reach people
for Christ; he wants to make one final
statement that is not a conspiratorial
statement. Ever since Alberto came out
in the 80s people think of anti-Catholicism and conspiracies when they think
of Chick, so Chick wants this final project to get back to his soul-winning
roots; essentially, he’s going all the way
back to This Was Your Life! He’s going to
tell the history of the world, the whole
thing, from the Creation story to the
Crucifixion all the way up to the Second Coming and Armageddon. Of
course, the Antichrist is still going to be
the Pope—same Chick there. He’s
going to project this film onto the side
of a gigantic building in downtown Rio
de Janeiro for all of Brazil to see. He anticipates
this being very popular.
“Fred Carter’s animating it. Fred had some health
problems halfway through and had to take a break
but they’re almost done now. Chick
handed me this big book on his desk with anima-
27
tion cels in it. I opened it up and…I was amazed.
These are terrific. The cels are three-dimensional,
done in relief so you can run your fingers along
the green mountains and Adam and Eve and feel
the little bumps. I mean, I’ve seen all of Fred’s sensual work before, where you can see Eve’s naked
back and legs, but this—this is like a Playboy centerfold.You can see her hips and her entire body all
the way up and down. Hot, hot, hot. Trees pop in
at the oddest moments, one branch from the left,
one from the right, and darned if the leaves don’t
meet
and
just
barely
cover her nipples and pubic hair.”
Dwayne waited until he and Chick had discussed
the cels leading up to the Crucifixion before he felt
comfortable enough to ask Chick if he anticipated
any flak over Eve. “He stopped turning the pages
and eyed me. ‘Will I get any flak for this? Hold on
a moment!’ He ran out of the War Room and came
back waving a copy of The Broken Cross. ‘You
wouldn’t believe the flak I got off this,’ he said,
pointing to the picture of a hitchhiking fourteenyear old girl in hip-huggers who gets drugged, disrobed, and blood-sacrificed by Satanists.‘People ask
me, how could you draw something like this?’ One
financier pulled out, Chick explained, because he
wanted Chick to change his style. But Chick
wouldn’t do it. He said, ‘I’m trying to establish a
standard of realism. I’m just trying to be realistic.’
He said that Christians also complained to him
about the
in his comics because they can’t
help but fill in the symbols with real curses in their
heads. Chick told me that he knew where they were
coming from but that in order to reach the lost, he
had to be realistic and
was the only way
he could be realistic without actually printing the
curse words. Then he pointed at the Crucifixion
cel open on the table, with Christ bleeding like a
side of beef.‘I want to shock people. I want to make
them physically sick when they see this. I want
them to feel the pain Jesus felt when He was
crucified!’”
Dwayne accepted this argument but pointed out
to Chick that he still had marketing considerations:
the people who will buy this film are Christians, so
he does have to appeal to Christians. “Chick interrupted me and said, ‘I’m not interested in reaching
the Christians. I’m not interested in appealing to
the churches. I want to reach the lost.’ I told him
that I understood but reiterated that Christians still
had to buy the film in order to show it to the lost.
Chick said, ‘You know, I’ve just had it with Christians. I’ve had it with ‘em. They’ll come out and
say,We don’t like that you put this in there, we don’t
like what you did there, we don’t like what you said
here.’ He just went on and on: it was almost like a
28
hate-fest. Finally he said, ‘Those Christians, always
trying to tell me what to do. You know, I’d rather
hang out with bikers.’
“He just doesn’t like control; he’s an artist in that
sense. No artist likes to be told what to do or what
he can’t print, and I got the feeling that Chick’s
really into pushing the envelope. I think his reasoning is that nobody is going to tell him how to
do a
thing: if he wants to draw a halfnaked girl, by God, he’s going to draw a half-naked
girl. Of course he can’t say this because he’s a fundamentalist Christian. So what he actually said to
me was,‘This is what the Lord told me to draw. I’m
drawing what the Lord told me to draw.’
“Of course, he doesn’t want any credit either. He
told me no credits will be in the film and that he
only uses them for copyright reasons. Of course
Fred Carter doesn’t want his name on there at all.
Again, this is what the Lord draws.”
Dwayne and Jack spent the remainder of their
session talking about Chick’s problems with the
fundamentalist world. When This Was Your Life!
hit Chick had his fifteen minutes of mainstream
fundy fame: “Chick said that everybody loved him
at first and wanted him on their television shows.
He attended the Christian Booksellers Association
conventions, although he didn’t like the whole
celebrity scene there: Oh, look, there’s Jim and Tammy Bakker, and everybody runs to see the Bakkers.
Chick was on Trinity Broadcasting Network with
Paul and Jan Crouch—early cohorts of the
Bakkers. I started making some jokes about Trinity when Chick suddenly got up, went to the big
white board in his office, and began outlining the
Catholic conspiracy to take over Christian broadcasting.While he was drawing it out he said,‘I have
declared war on the Great Whore of Babylon. I
don’t even call her the Roman Catholic Church
anymore. I call her what she is: The Great Whore
of Revelation!’
“I’ll tell you, there he was: all excited, diagramming that stuff on the Big Board—in the War
Room, no less—looking just like Slim Pickens. All
I could think of was Major Kong in Dr. Strangelove,
riding that nuclear bomb all the way to Armageddon, going ‘Yee-haw!’ That’s Chick! That’s him to a
T.
“Basically his view is that the Catholic Church is
lending money and support to Trinity and other
Christian broadcasters so that they can’t say anything bad about the Catholic Church. Then when
the Catholic Church pulls all of its support at once
29
these broadcasters will be forced to declare bank- office and shot out the windows and the front door.
ruptcy; then the Church will buy them all up and He didn’t want to bring these controversies to bear
control everything.
on a church, and now his excuse is that his daugh“I said, ‘That’s interesting, Jack, because that’s ter is so sick that he has to stay home and take care
exactly how Jerry Falwell’s Liberty Broadcasting planned to take over the People That Love
Network.’ Jack looked at me knowingly. He
smiled and nodded his head. ‘There are some
Jesuits over at Liberty,’ he said.
“He really believes what he writes. You can
argue that he is crazy, but he honestly believes
his conspiracy theories. I do not regard him as
a hypocrite. Once you get past his gatekeepers and into the War Room he’s so enthusiastic and giving. He showed me a lot of things
he really didn’t have to show me and talked
about his old days of mainstream fame, people that he hung out with and led to the lord,
bikers and that kind of stuff…he mentioned
bikers a lot…
Bad Bob shakes his cage. Chick’s catalog says that this tract is “Great for bikers!”
“He’s established himself as so independent
that he can do anything he wants to do in his pri- of her. This has gone on for years; it’s not a new
vate life. If he were to go to church people would thing. Chick just doesn’t go to church.
try to have an influence on his tracts. He doesn’t go
“Very few people know anything about Jack
to church, so that’s all gone. He told me that dur- Chick’s private life, and I think he really wants to
ing the Alberto years a guy fired a gun into his keep it that way. Even if he were to get involved in
a big scandal—Jack T. Chick caught in biker
orgy—it wouldn’t make the papers. Even if it did,
almost everybody in the world would say, Jack T.
Who? Even the few who know about him and follow him would have a good justification for
continuing to use his tracts: they’d say that in
spite of what he did at the orgy, his work lives
on and it works, by God. This Was Your Life!
is a great tract. A Chick tract is exactly like a
drug: who cares about the lifestyle or morality of the person who produced it? You can’t
know and you don’t care. All that matters is
that it works.”
Speaking of work, I asked Dwayne if he
was going to continue consulting Jack about
his film. “No. Unfortunately, he’s decided to
go
with
Jeremiah Films.”
t’s fitting that Chick’s guerrilla film will
be distributed the way all drugs are dist r i b u t e d —
by gangsters—and that after decades of searching
for answers in every imaginable corner of his own
private Vatican, Chick’s last hallelujah is a return
to his roots.The final yawp of a dying artist is often
I
30
an elemental cry to return to the days when he was
young and it seemed possible to remake the world
in his likeness. Those days are exemplified by one
of Chick’s first comix, Somebody Loves Me, done on
his lunch breaks when, as he put it, he was “working in aerospace.” Somebody Loves Me is named
after the George Gershwin hit song from 1924, the
year Chick was born, and this tract is in many ways
the primary tract. Even by Chick’s standards the
drawing is crude, the message simplistic, and the
brutality
stunning.
A
child
is
beaten to death by his father and goes to heaven.
The End. It’s the worst thing Chick has ever done;
it’s also as effective as anything he’s ever done. In
fact, it’s really well-done. Forget the creation
myths—Somebody Loves Me is Chick’s most basic
tract, the ur-tract. He’s always had a soft spot for
Somebody Loves Me; it’s his favorite of his many
little paper babies, sentimentally speaking. For years
he’s plugged it with these words: “Hardened men
have wept over this tract.” In a 1994 open letter Jack
described the first time he showed it to a coworker, a “well-educated and gifted artist,” in aerospace.
“Immediately I knew it was a dumb idea,” Jack
wrote. “He’ll only laugh. To my shock he burst into
tears and told me of his horrible life as a kid. His
father threw him out of his home when he was only
thirteen. Then he told me of his combat missions
in World War II and of his fears and the killing.The
tract had opened his heart, and I was amazed.Years
later an artist working with us”—and we know
who that gifted artist was—“got a call to pick up a
homeless girl…. He and his wife took her into their
home and loved her like a daughter. When they
met her she had a copy of Somebody Loves Me
clenched in her hand. She had read it over one hundred times. Her life story was horrifying. Her father
was selling this baby girl to men for sport when
she was only three. It was madness. Her poor mind
believed that every family had a little girl like her
to help raise money that way. Then she found that
tract and met her wonderful Jesus. Now she is hap-
The Bull in solitary confinement after murdering a man.
pily married with children.The past is washed away
by the precious blood of Jesus.”
In the light of this story Chick’s relentless, sado-
31
masochistic quest for intimacy seems too human,
proof of a fundamental decency that, although perverted, is enough to redeem him—even though
Fred Carter did all the good work, as
usual. This final illustration taken from Me summarizes both the experience of reading Chick’s
work and what I suspect is his impetus for creating it. The problem with this illustration is that we
can see Jack Chick as either the father, the son, or
both—meaning that his art is either a work of
monstrosity, sympathy, or both. Just as you project
your own shit into the actual symbols of Chick’s
, Somebody Loves Me shifts with the light
of the understanding you provide, much like the
hologram trading cards I collected as a kid: from
fascist propaganda to sickly sweet redemption story, then back again. Mean, sweet; mean, sweet. I
went back and forth on the meaning of Me until I
finally quit. Chick should have put his signature
question mark on this horrible tract: Somebody
Loves Me?
works consulted and cited
Chick, Jack Thomas. Open letters to customers. 1981–1998.
Chick, Jack Thomas. Letter to editor, The Comics Journal. Mar 1980.
Chick Publications. Product catalogs. 1980–1997.
Collins, George A. “Interview with Jack T. Chick,” Battle Cry. Aug 1984.
Davis, Mike. City of Quartz. London: Verso, 1990.
Encylopædia Brittanica, 1997 ed.
Fowler, Bob. The History of the World According to Jack T. Chick. Selfpublished, 1997.
Kendall, John. “Lurid Comic Books Attack Beliefs of Most Religions,”
Los Angeles Times. Jan. 25 1981.
Kennedy, Pagan. “All About Evil: Jack Chick’s Ire and Brimstone,” Village
Voice Literary Supplement. Apr 1992, p. 27.
Pynchon, Thomas. The Crying of Lot 49. New York: Harper and Row, 1966.
Yronwode, Cat. “Blackhawks for Christ,” The Comics Journal. Oct 1979.
chicklets & impsters
Jeffrey McCrystal and Michael T. Richter each supplied a tract and Pierce
Askegren and Larry Shell weighed in on the Artist J debate. Greg Stump of
the Comics Journal unearthed the Chick letter and wiz cartoonist Terry Laban
sent me a much-needed letter of encouragement. Michael Stephens, the
former bodyguard of Johnny Todd (the ex-druid, “Lance Collins” character in
Chick’s Spellbound?), told me that the bullet hole in Todd’s windshield did not
come from the bullet of a satanist, as portrayed in Spellbound?, but from
Stephens’ own rifle, which he accidentally fired after a fifteen-year-old girl told
him that Todd was making sexual advances toward her. In an embarassing foray
into stereotypical zinester hepness, I’d like to brag that I cranked the Pixies’
1987 album Come On Pilgrim often during the assembly of this baby, inspired
by the song “Nimrod’s Son” (“You are the son of a mother fucker…”). Speaking
of parents, my Dad did a great line edit—thanks Dad! Chip Rowe tried in vain
to get parts of this essay published in Playboy; Chip sent his regrets and a consolation copy of the “girls of the Big Ten college blowout pigskin preview” issue.
Ah, life in the Midwest. But corn-fed goils with footballs are nothing compared
to Eve in her one-hundred-foot-high, full-color glory projected onto the side of
a Loop skyscraper. I can’t wait.
next issue
Even more about bald men, God, and advertising—but no slamming of Los
Angeles, I promise. Instead we’ll look at Chicago, the 1900 Sears Roebuck
catalog, 19th century French literature, and the Smartest Kid on Earth.
the battle of armageddon
From The Beast, 1966.
Enlarged from its original size of 1.1 x 4.4 inches.
he quintessence of chick. After the extended foreplay of Creation, Crucifixion, Resurrection, and Tribulation, this orgy of
gore and anguish is the long-awaited combat climax to the
T
greatest story ever told, the in-your-face, sadistic money shot to end
all money shots. Leatherneck Jack poured every round of his
passion into the original four inches of this piece: the white-hot bursts
shooting from Jesus’ mouth, the archaic swords and standards vainly erected by the losers, the panicked horse, and the horror on every face.
The central shot through the heart (of a bald man, natch) is echoed
on
the
right
by
the
oozing
noggin
of
a
Pettibonesque badass and on the left by the explosion of three
soldiers literally bursting in agony. The expression of the man
losing his arm speaks volumes about what Chick must have seen at
Okinawa. Fred Carter has drawn Armageddon several times but his
heart was never in it like this.
CHICK~LIST
ach of these titles represents not an individual, specific work but a comic that has usually metamorphosed through the years but remained
under one name. Chick changes his mind about things constantly and
as a result, almost all of these titles exist in different versions. Most of the differences I’ve seen are minor; when I felt that they were substantial I’ve added
roman numerals to the title in a vague attempt to appear chronological and biblical. For example, in That Crazy Guy! I young Suzi get herpes and gonorrhea;
in That Crazy Guy! II she gets AIDS and a lecture from her doctor with fewer
bestiality references and, ironically, much less gay-bashing. Different titles given to what is essentially the same story are also noted in parentheses. The two
Doom Town tracts are exceptions to all of this and are listed separately because
they are two totally different stories sharing only the title and sodomy as a subject (“I made the mistake of going soft on this subject, which I deeply regret,”
Chick wrote to his readers in 1992, explaining that he completely rewrote Doom
Town because the original was like “a fairy tale”). This list is general at best and
downright misleading whenever you see a roman numeral, particularly in conjunction with The Beast, which must exist in a dozen or more variations. I leave
the task of identifying every variation to somebody with a clearer head and more
time, like Bob Fowler, who has developed a rigorous method for cataloging
variations using Chick’s own mice-type print codes (proving conclusively,
among other things, that Chick has always skipped over the number 69 when
numbering his tracts).
There is one tract not on this list, The Wicked Magistrate, which existed but
only in Korean and is therefore omitted; Don’t Read That Book! and The Secret
of Prayer were discontinued as tracts and are currently included as chapters in
the paperback comic, The Next Step. The tract I Discovered the Real Person and
Power Behind Witchcraft, often attributed to Chick, does indeed exist (I saw it)
but is the cut-rate work of a shoddy Chick imitator. Speaking of shoddy, I’ve
also left the Overcomers series of children’s comix off this Chick-list as Chick
only published them; he neither illustrated nor wrote them, and they’re too
lame to waste your time.
Good luck in your hunt.
E
34
the tracts
Allah Had No Son
Angels?
Are Roman Catholics
Christians?
The Assignment
The Attack
Baby Talk
Back From the Dead?
Bad Bob!
The Beast (I & II)
Best Friend
Bewitched?
Big Daddy?
The Big Spender
Boo!
The Brat
The Bull
Burn Baby Burn
Cats
Charlie’s Ants
Cleo
The Contract!
Creator or Liar?
The Crisis
The Curse of Baphomet
Dark Dungeons
The Death Cookie
The Deceived
A Demon’s Nightmare
Doom Town I
Doom Town II
The Dreamer
Earthman
the comix
The Empty Tomb
Escape! (The Great Escape!)
The Execution
Fat Cats
Fire Starter?
The First Jaws
The Fool!
The Four Brothers
Frame-Up
The Gay Blade
Going Home
Going to the Dogs
Gomez is Coming
The Greatest Story Ever Told
Gun Slinger
Happy Halloween
Happy Hour
He Never Told Us!
Hi There!
Hit Parade
The Hit
Holocaust
Holy Joe
How To Get Rich
Humbug? (Humbug!)
The Hunter
Is There Another Christ?
Ivan the Terrible
Killer Storm
Kings of the East
Kiss the Protestants Good-Bye
The Last Generation (I & II)
The Last Missionary
Last Rites
The Letter
Lisa
The Long Trip
A Love Story
Macho!
The Mad Machine
Miss Universe
My Name?…In the Vatican?
No Fear?
One Way!
The Only Hope
The Outsider
The Passover Plot?
Picture Gospel—African
Plagues
The Poor Little Witch
The Poor Pope?
The Poor Revolutionist
The Present
Ransom
Reverend Wonderful
Room 310
The Royal Affair
The Sacrifice
Satan’s Master
The Scoundrel
The Secret Weapon
Sin Busters
The Sissy?
Somebody Goofed
Somebody Loves Me
Soul Story
The Story Teller
Superman?
Support Your Local Jew
(Jeopardy)
The Terminator?
That Crazy Guy! (I & II)
That Old Devil
The Thief
The Thing
This Book Has Been Banned!
This Was Your Life!
Tiny Shoes
Titanic
The Traitor
The Trap
The Trial
The Trick
Trust Me!
The Tycoon
The Visitors
Where’s Rabbi Waxman?
Who Are They Gonna
Remember?
Who Me?
Why Is Mary Crying?
Why No Revival? (I & II)
The Word Became Flesh
Wordless Gospel—Haiti
Wordless Gospel—New
Guinea
Wounded Children
The Grail
Hooked for Good*
The Crusaders
Alberto
Angel of Light
The Ark
The Broken Cross
Chaos
Double-Cross
Exorcists
The Force
Four Horsemen
The Gift
The Godfathers
Operation Bucharest
Primal Man?
The Prophet
Sabotage?
Scar Face
Spellbound?
The Sword Series
The Big Betrayal
King of Kings
The Oddballs
Jonah
The Next Step
*Hooked for Good is rumored to
exist and yet not one person has
ever shown me evidence of a copy. I
couldn’t invent a better title for
the unknown tract if I tried, and
in a way I hope it’s never found.
The metaphor is perfect as is.
35
DICTIONARY~CONCORDANCE
hese alphabetized squibs form neither a complete index to the Chick canon nor a comprehensive overview of the quirks, characters, and
historical-theological baloney comprising Chick’s
universe. This is my partial and biased take on
Chick and should be understood as such. Nevertheless this is Jack’s world and I’m sure he’d stand
behind these definitions. Most of the
writing is my straightforward paraphrase and summary of his words; the rest of it is directly quoted
from Chick himself. For your reading convenience
I haven’t used quotation marks to distinguish
between my paraphrase and Chick’s own words
because his voice sticks out from mine like a sore
thumb. Any time you see a corny, idiomatic phrase
or colloquialism—for example, Lucifer was a farout dude—you can be sure you’re hearing Chick’s
soft voice.
The references I’ve supplied for each subject represent only a few of its appearances throughout
T
the canon (excepting perhaps Haw Haw
Haw,
and Yaaaaah!) and are provided
only as starting points for your own exploration.
This concordance is in no way intended to replace
the task of reading all of Chick’s work for yourself.
It is a study guide to be used in conjunction with
all one hundred and fifty-something comix. I recommend
phoning
Chick
Publications
(909.987.0771) and ordering the All Tract Assortment ($10.00), Jumbo Comic Pack ($33.60), and
The Next Step ($3.50). Tax in California plus four
bucks shipping and you’ve got every single Chick
tract in print and all of his full-length comix. If
you’re frightened by the thought of speaking to
someone who would actually work for this poodle/leatherneck, write Chick Publications at P.O.
Box 3500, Ontario, CA 91761-1100 and ask for
their free catalog, or visit Chick’s web site at
(www.chick.com).
There are a few nuggets of truth in Chick’s state-
ments; to keep it fair I’ve indicated each
Official Jack T. Chick Truth by superscripting the
sign of the cross above the beat† in the sentence
with the Truth. Truth happens to be my own personal Saviour and in Its name I’m going to let Jack
T. Chick nail himself to the cross standing
between the two halves of his name.
36
Abraham
A
Abraham The father of Isaac and Ishmael. In order see if
Abraham loved Him more than his own son, Jesus Christ
demanded that Abraham blood sacrifice Isaac to Him. Though
it broke his heart Abraham prepared to plunge the knife into
Isaac’s chest. Convinced, Jesus Christ stopped the sacrifice at the
last second and made Abraham the great-grandfather of all the
Jews (Sacrifice).
Adam The first man on earth, made from dirt by Jesus Christ.
When Jesus told Adam not to eat the Fruit of Good and Evil,
Adam got the message because he had no evil thoughts and was
programmed to live forever. He was perfect, except for one little
thing: his wife, Eve. Jesus placed major blame on Adam for her
sin because a woman’s relationship to Jesus includes submission
to her husband (King of Kings 4–11).
Ahab A rotten little brat who became the king of Israel. He and
Jezebel killed an innocent vintner and left his body to the dogs.
After Ahab was killed in battle the same dogs licked the blood
from his corpse (Going to the Dogs).
Ahasuerus A king whose advisor convinced him to execute
all the Jews in his kingdom; however, after Ahasuerus learned
that his own wife was a Jew, he decided to execute his advisor
instead (Miss Universe).
Alberto Alberto Rivera was a Jesuit who managed to escape
from the Roman Catholic Church. As a child, Alberto was
kissed by homosexuals at his seminary; as a teen, he traveled
with two beautiful girls on missions for Catholic Youth Action,
creating sex scandals that destroyed a total of nineteen
Protestant schools and churches. Alberto rose in the order until
he took the Extreme Oath in front of the Black Pope,
got to know Jim Jones personally, learned how to levitate, and
witnessed miracles and a blood sacrifice to the Virgin Mary.
But then he realized that the Church was involved in Masonry.
Alberto grew disillusioned; his head began to spin and he was
sick for weeks. He took tranquilizers and gave a speech to fifty
thousand colleagues in which he told the shocking truth. The
Church took him to a mental asylum and locked him inside a
padded cell, where they administered heavy drugs, electroshock
therapy, and torture until one day, while trapped in an iron lung,
Alberto realized that he should accept Jesus Christ, not the
Virgin Mary, as his own personal Saviour. He escaped from the
lung and fled with forty cents in his pocket to the United States,
where he tried to sell his story to Christian publishers, none of
whom would touch it with a ten-foot pole.† Fortunately Alberto
met Jack T. Chick; despite the IRA bombing Alberto’s bedroom
and eight other attempts on his life, including one by a dentist
who believed in the Love Gospel, the two published the Alberto
comic books and it happened (Alberto 1–32; Double-Cross
18–19; Force 24–32; Four Horsemen 5; My Name?).
Allah An idol representing the moon; worshiped by Muslims in
Armageddon
the religion of Islam (Prophet 17).
Angels They follow you around with a camcorder and tape
everything that you do; they will play back this tape on the Day
of Judgment. Angels also whisper suggestions in your ear; if
you follow these suggestions they will protect you from muggers; if you do not,
they will hurl you into
the Lake of Fire
(Assignment; Execution;
Four Brothers; Love
Story).
A n t i c h r i s t The
Beast, also known as
the Pope.
Arabs People descended from Ishmael and Esau who practice
Islam. Presently being armed by the Vatican to destroy Israel at
the battle of Armageddon (Story Teller).
Armageddon Coming soon. The Beast and his army of
unbelievable† size, made up of Russian, Arab, African, and oriental troops, will mass in Israel to fight with insane fury against
Jesus Christ. Jesus will descend from Heaven in a robe dipped
in blood, His eyes flaming as He cuts billions of soldiers to
shreds with a sword that shoots out of His mouth. It will be the
greatest slaughter in human history, destroying one-third of the
world’s population and leaving a lake of blood four feet deep and
130 miles across. After the battle Jesus will hurl the Beast into
the Lake of Fire and take control of this planet,
ushering in the Millennium (Beast I, II; Chaos 31; Kings of the
East; Only Hope; Superman?).
37
Baal
B
Baal What Semiramis called Nimrod after his death. This Sun
god demands the blood sacrifice of infants to appease his
anger. Also known as the Baby Jesus, Bacchus, Centaur, Horus,
Jupiter, Krishna, Moloch, Orion, Osiris, Pan, Pluto, Sol,
Tammuz, and The Winged One (Angel of Light 15, 27;
Force 10, 21; Fire Starter?; Why is Mary Crying?).
Baby Jesus Another name for Nimrod. The halo around his
head symbolizes the orbit of the Sun (Force 11).
Babylon The headquarters of Satan (King of Kings 19).
Bad Bob A bad dude who dealt drugs with his cousin until
they wound up in jail. The jailer warned the two jerks that they
were on their way to the Lake of Fire, but they didn’t listen and
the jail caught fire and burned Bob’s cousin to death. The jailer
then easily convinced a badly shaken Bob to accept Jesus
Christ as his own personal Saviour (Bad Bob! ).
Bad dude A violent, rebellious man—usually a killer—who
inevitably accepts Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour
(Bad Bob!; Bull; Gomez Is Coming; Gun Slinger; Hit; Hunter;
Macho!; Operation Bucharest 6–11; Sissy?; Sabotage?; Soul Story).
Baphomet The satanic goat worshiped in Masonry; also
known as Mendez, the God of
Lust. Symbols of Baphomet
appear in books by Aleister
Crowley, on a hat worn by
Masonry’s Sovereign Grand
Commander, and in the centerpiece of the main Masonic
Temple Room at the Mother
Supreme Council of the World
(Curse of Baphomet).
Baptism When Protestant adults immerse each other in
water to show that they have accepted Jesus Christ as their own
personal Saviour. The Roman Catholic Church baptizes infants
by marking them with the cross and oils that expose them to
demons; this ensures that the baby’s first loyalty will always be
to the Vatican (Are Roman Catholics Christians?; Force 28).
Beast A military genius who will take the credit for winning
World War III and rule the earth during the Tribulation with his
One World Government and One World Church. He will be
charming, a masterful politician, the darling of the secret societies, and a chief warlock. He will also be the Pope. Women will
love him because he is handsome and beautiful, and they will
gladly wear his mark of 666 on their foreheads. The Beast may
be already living somewhere on the earth (Beast I, II; Chaos
27–28; Kings of the East).
Beatles A rock music group who opened up a Pandora’s box†
when they hit the U.S. with their druid beat in the 1960s. They
turned our young people on to oriental religions† and opened
the floodgates to witchcraft. The U.S. will never recover from
the Beatles;† it was well-planned (Spellbound? 16).
Bible, The Also known as the King James Bible of 1611. The
only book ever written by Jesus Christ, it is the most controversial, the most hated, and the most-loved book ever printed; it
has caused the death of untold numbers of people† and given
eternal life to millions more. Satan hates this book because it
cuts him to pieces, and he has tried throughout history to turn
it into Bibles (Next Step 8–13).
Bibles Throughout history Satan has used Jews, intellectuals,
priests and Jesuits to mutilate The Bible into these until we
have Bibles coming out of our ears. Satan will then use ecumenicism to give us one single Bible that paves the way for the
One World Church (Attack; Sabotage? 6, 29).
Bible-believing Christians
Bible-believing Christians People who hate religion;
they are Protestants who have accepted Jesus Christ as their
own personal Saviour and only accept The Bible as their final
authority in all matters. The first Bible-believing Christians saw
the persecution of Jesus Christ and His followers and joined
them because they too wanted something worth dying for† and
because Jesus meant more to them than their own lives.†
Throughout history they have been fed to lions,† gored in the
pelvis by charging bulls while women watch, burned at the
stake,† beheaded in such numbers that their heads were used to
cap fenceposts on both sides of the road for thirty miles, called
heretics,† and tortured by nuns and monks.
Today they are banned from premises for witnessing, beaten for
distributing Chick tracts, called bigots,† fanatics,† members of
the lunatic fringe,† members of the Ku Klux Klan,† and
fascists.† In the future they will be beaten and exe-
Big Business
cuted during the Revolution, tortured, executed, and fed to
cannibals by the One World Government (Alberto 14, 17–18;
Angel of Light 27, 32; Are Roman Catholics Christians?; Attack;
Beast I, II; Big Daddy?; Broken Cross 10; Cats; Contract!; Death
Cookie; Doom Town II; Force 19, 22–23, 28;
Four Brothers; Four Horsemen 15, 31; Frame-up;
Gift 7; Godfathers 7, 9, 31; Happy Halloween;
Holy Joe; Kiss The Protestants Good-Bye; Last
Generation I, II; Last Rites; Letter; My Name?;
Next Step 9, 13; Poor Pope?; Poor Revolutionist;
Primal Man? 14; Prophet 9; Reverend
Wonderful; Sabotage? 4, 14–15, 26–27; Sin
Busters; Somebody Goofed; Soul Story; Spellbound? 5, 32; Titanic,
Trial; Tycoon).
Big Business A financial jungle populated by ruthless, hypocritical, and back-stabbing people who worship money† (How
to Get Rich).
Big Computer Sits in the Vatican and records information
about every single Protestant who goes to church. The One
World Church will use this data to control the entire world during the Tribulation (Beast I, II; My Name? ).
Billy A teenager whose mom picked up some creep in a bar; this
made Billy sick so he went out and mugged a stranger using a
length of chain. Come back, the bleeding stranger cried: you
missed some money in my coat pocket and I love you like
Jesus Christ. Astounded, Billy accepted Jesus Christ as his own
personal Saviour, ran home and shouted the good news to his
mother and the creep. The creep called Billy a
; Billy’s
mom called the creep a
; the creep called
Billy’s mom a
over his shoulder as he punched Billy in
the face. Pouring blood, Billy declined to press charges against
the creep, explaining that the creep just needed Jesus. Billy’s
38
mom hiccuped, told Billy that he was driving her nuts, and
accepted Jesus Christ as her own personal Saviour (Next Step
30–33).
Bishop, Charles A man who put off accepting Jesus
Bobby the Monster and his grandfather.
Christ as his own personal Saviour because he didn’t want to
lose all his friends; that night he had a massive coronary,
screamed Yaaaaah! and went to Hell (Assignment).
Black Pope The Jesuit general who tells the Pope how to
run the Vatican. His real name is Pedro Arrupe (Alberto 10–28).
Blood sacrifice A sacred and holy thing, blood sacrifice is
the only way that Jesus Christ can satisfy His anger at our sin.
Jesus originally slaughtered precious little lambs to horrify Adam
Brenda
and Eve; from then on every time a Jew sinned an innocent
animal that never sinned had to die a bloody death to calm Jesus’
fury. Because he loved us so much Jesus eventually offered himself as a blood sacrifice with His Crucifixion, decreeing that it
was the perfect sacrifice for all time and ending the Jewish religion forever. The Jews continued to blood sacrifice in their temple, however, making Jesus so angry that He scattered them all
across
the
earth.
Today
followers
of
Satan blood sacrifice humans and infants in order to mock
Jesus’ one-time-only offer. Police estimate that forty to sixty
thousand ritual sacrifices occur each year in the U.S. alone
(Angel Of Light 16; Are Roman Catholics Christians?; Beast; Boo!;
Broken Cross 5, 18, 20, 31; Cleo; Creator or Liar?; Death Cookie;
Earthman; Fire Starter?; Force 13, 18, 21, 30–31; Gift 22; Greatest
Story Ever Told; King of Kings 8, 12, 16, 34–35, 40, 45, 47; Last
Generation II; Only Hope; Poor Little Witch; Sacrifice;
Spellbound? 12, 14; Traitor; Trick; Why Is Mary Crying?; Wordless
Gospel—Haiti).
Bobby the Monster A child in a brown uniform whose
classmates will call him trash and slime because his parents are
still married; at the urging of his teachers, Bobby will turn in
his parents to the One World Government to be tortured, executed, and eaten by cannibals (Last Generation I, II ).
Book of Life A list of the names of everybody who has
accepted Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour; Jesus will
refer to it on the Day of Judgment (Beast I, II ).
Brenda A suburban witch who put drugs and razor blades in
Halloween candy and killed an innocent trick-or-treater. Her
attempt to kill the surviving children was foiled by another suburban witch who had accepted Jesus Christ as her own personal Saviour (Trick).
Brown, Leroy A bad dude released from jail because of civil
39
Brown, Leroy
rights laws. After a rival gang killed his girlfriend Leroy vowed
revenge and immediately began dating his late girlfriend’s sister,
whom he’d met at the morgue. Unlike the first, this sister was a
Bible-believing Christian; Leroy was so intrigued by her that
after he machine-gunned the rival gang to death and blew up a
church, he crawled back to her arms, where he accepted Jesus
Christ as his own personal Saviour with his dying breath and
went to Heaven (Soul Story).
Buddha An idol whose followers brutally beat people who
hand out Chick tracts (Tycoon).
Bull, The A bad dude who ruled Blakefield prison. The Bull
killed everybody who disobeyed him until he came across a
Chick tract in solitary confinement; he uttered
and
threatened to break the legs of any prisoner who did not listen
up and accept Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour (Bull).
C
Cain The first man born on earth. Cain was spoiled rotten by
his mother, Eve, and had no respect at all for authority: he even
tried to offer a vegetarian sacrifice to Jesus Christ—what an
idiot! When Cain’s little brother, Abel, pleased Jesus with a blood
sacrifice, Cain beat Abel to death with a club; he then married
his own sister and the world has been filled with people like him
ever since (Earthman; King of Kings 12–14).
Cannibals The worship of Satan in its worst stage. Today cannibals stand in the middle of the street slurping human fingers;
in the future the One World Government will feed the masses
with the dead bodies of Bible-believing Christians (Broken
Cross 14; Poor Little Witch; Last Generation I, II ).
Carlos A terrorist who was a bad dude and a member of the
Communist Party. Carlos took a hostage who used to be a bad
The Healers and Bobby the Monster’s grandfather.
dude and a Communist himself and had him tied to a chair and
smashed repeatedly in the face with a rifle butt. Carlos was so
impressed by his hostage’s ability to withstand torture that he
took his advice and accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Macho! ).
Carter, Jim A bad dude who was a black belt, a Black militant, and the head of a drug ring. One day as Jim was about to
cut the throat of a preacher, the preacher told Jim that he wasn’t
afraid of him; he said that he only feared Jesus Christ. Jim lit a
cigarette, said, “Heavy,” and accepted Jesus Christ as his own
personal Saviour. Jim then joined the Crusaders (Operation
Children’s Crusade
Bucharest 8–10).
Castro, Fidel A champion of the down-trodden masses, a
faithful member of the Roman Catholic Church, and a welltrained Jesuit under the Extreme Oath. Woe to anyone who
messes with Fidel (Godfathers 31).
Catholic Youth Action A Jesuit organization that
destroys Protestant schools by sending handsome boys to
seduce the younger lady teachers, and beautiful girls to destroy
pastors and introduce sex to the students. In order to score even
more points and get out of Purgatory, the boys and girls also
patrol Christian bookstores to discourage the sale of Chick
Publications (Alberto 23–24; My Name?).
Celibacy A vow taken by monks, nuns, and priests to make
them seem holy and cover up their adultery, fornication, homosexuality, sodomy, and lesbianism (Force 10).
Cherkov, Colonel A bald member of the Communist
Party who tried unsuccessfully to get Tim Carter of the
Crusaders to dishonor Sofia (Operation Bucharest).
Chester A passenger on the Titanic. As the ship sank and the
band played, “Nearer, My God, to Thee,” Chester shook both
fists at the night sky and bellowed, “I hate You for this, God!”
Chester went straight to the Lake of Fire (Titanic).
Children’s Crusade A war fought by all the unwanted
babies born to the female Jews who were raped by soldiers from
the Roman Catholic Church. The Church forced these redhaired children to undergo baptism and become Roman
Catholic Jews; she
then offered them the
chance to go fight for
Jerusalem. The outcast children were so
glad to feel wanted
Chick, Jack
that they joined up and marched to Italy, where the Church
molested them and sold them into slavery to the Arabs. The
children grew up as slaves in Arab households until, remembering that they had been baptized as Catholics, revolted against
their Arab masters and fought for the Vatican behind enemy
lines (Godfathers 4–8).
Chick, Jack The founder of Chick Publications.† Chick’s job
is to tell it like it is; he is at war,† and he is totally committed.†
The Communist Party’s use of the Secret Weapon inspired
Chick to make Chick tracts.† Unfortunately Chick was confused by the footnotes in his Bibles and didn’t realize that the
Roman Catholic Church was the Whore of Revelation; his
comics were therefore salvation-oriented comics considered to be
no problem by Rome. Then the Lord moved, introducing Chick
to Alberto. The light dawned. Everything started to make sense.
Knowing the danger he faced, Chick committed the safety of his
life and his company into the hands of his own personal Saviour
and published Alberto’s story, causing it to happen (Kiss The
Protestants Good-Bye; My Name?; Who Me?).
Chick tracts Millions of people are in Heaven because of
these irresistible† comic books. Sometimes Chick tracts make
you squirm,† yet you continue to read them;† they are so effective that the Roman Catholic Church calls them hate literature,† people fight for a chance to look at them,† and demons
urge you to burn them. The pictures alone convinced a boy on
drugs who couldn’t understand the words to accept Jesus
Christ as his own personal Saviour and become an ordained pastor. Even though people are often brutally beaten for distributing Chick tracts, they make witnessing easy† and you should
hand out over one thousand of them per year (Angels?; Bull;
Demon’s Nightmare; Earthman; He Never Told Us!; How To Get
Rich; Ivan the Terrible; Kiss The Protestants Good-Bye; Last
40
Missionary; Last Rites; Letter; Next Step 62; Reverend Wonderful;
Somebody Goofed; This Book Has Been Banned; Trust Me!; Tycoon;
Who Are They Gonna Remember?; Who Me?).
Chick Publications Once a small, little-known publisher
of Chick tracts and comic books. Since it happened Chick
Publications has been the victim of the greatest smear campaign
since the time of Martin Luther launched by the Roman
Catholic Church and her supporters in television, newspapers,
magazines, books and radio. To not read Chick publications is a
crime against yourself, your family, and your friends. Note: the
occult symbols in Chick publications are only two-dimensional,
so you need not burn them (Kiss The Protestants Good-Bye;
Spellbound? 7).
Chiniquy, Charles A priest in the Roman Catholic
Church who burned liquor in Canada and got it outlawed. After
Civil rights
his fellow Canadian priests set him up on a phony orgy charge,
Chiniquy moved to Chicago, where the drunken priests set him
up on a phony rape charge. A young lawyer named Abraham
Lincoln defended Chiniquy and twice assured him that the
priests would be lynched; true to his word, Lincoln won the case
and a grateful Chiniquy accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour (Big Betrayal 1–64).
Christians Some of Chick Publications’ deadliest enemies;
eighty-nine percent of Christians have never handed out a single
tract (Kiss The Protestants Good-Bye; Who Me?).
Christian publishers Those who struck it rich during the
“Born Again” craze of the 1970s and are now big business.†
Small gospel publishing houses were bought out to become subsidiaries of gigantic, faceless corporations;† in turn, these corporations are beholden to the wealthiest organization in the world,
the Roman Catholic Church. They therefore avoid controversy
by pushing love, miracles, and all kinds of nice goodies while
making sure that all Protestant literature, especially Chick publications, gets dumped out back (Kiss the Protestants Good-Bye).
Christmas When Semiramis ordered the world to celebrate
the birth of her son Baal by decorating trees with little balls representing the Sun. It was a time for orgies, infant blood sacrifice, drunkenness, and merriment (Force 26).
Civil rights Pastors who focus on this issue are traitors because
it keeps Black Americans from accepting Jesus Christ as their
own personal Saviour and encourages them to pick up rifles and
declare war on White churches. Civil rights also force court
judges to let Black criminals out of prison (Soul Story; Why No
Revival? I ).
Clark, Tim A bad dude who killed members of the Communist Party as a green beret in Vietnam. He was found near
death behind enemy lines and nursed back to health by mission-
Clark, Tim
aries who read The Bible to him until he accepted Jesus Christ
as his own personal Saviour. Since Tim joined the Crusaders
the Mafia has twice offered him a job as hit man (Operation
Bucharest 6–8).
Comic books Also known as the Secret Weapon. Spies for
the Communist Party observed American children engrossed
by these powerful† little cartoon booklets and went home and
told Mao (Last Missionary; Secret Weapon; Who Me?).
Communist Party Nothing more than a baby of the
Vatican, conceived in order to carry out the Russian
Revolution and destroy the Orthodox Church. Communist
Party spies later stole the Secret Weapon from the U.S. and used
it to conquer all of China in only ten years. They currently
preach Liberation theology to poor Central American countries
(Fat Cats; Last Missionary; Who Me?).
Confession Invented by Semiramis so she could blackmail
her followers; today confessions pour in from even the remotest
parts of the world to the Vatican, giving them a constant flow of
information on social, religious, military, political, and intelligence matters. (Force 10; Four Horsemen 7; Sabotage? 18).
Connelly, Frank A Hollywood producer who admitted that
evolution was a lie yet vowed to brainwash children and destroy
their souls with films about evolution because he worshiped
money, not Jesus Christ (Primal Man? 32).
Conners, Charlie A construction worker who said that he
41
was descended from monkeys. A sudden gust of wind blew him
many stories to his death and an eternity in the Lake of Fire (Hi
There! ).
Constantine A smart politician who gained the support of
both Christians and pagans by becoming the first Pope of the
Roman Catholic Church. Constantine persecuted Biblebelieving Christians and secretly worshiped the Sun until his
death (Godfathers 7; Sabotage? 19–23).
Cops Good cops convince their prisoners to accept Jesus
Christ as their own personal Saviour; other cops are crooked,†
in league with Satan, or incompetent members of the Roman
Catholic Church; cops beat people† who post the Ten Commandments on public high school bulletin boards but allow
nearby drug dealers to score ten kilos; in the future cops will be
employed by the One World
Government and stand with arms
folded as youths beat old men on
crutches to death. If a cop stops you
for a traffic violation, hand him or
her a Chick tract and tell him why
he should accept Jesus Christ as his
own personal Saviour (Bad Bob!;
Boo!; Broken Cross 6 ff.; He Never
Told Us!; Last Generation I; Poor
Little Witch; Ransom; Sin Busters; Spellbound? 31).
Country music Records about honky tonkin’† and
sleeping with other men’s wives† that must be burned (Spellbound? 26).
Cranston, Bobby A high-school kid who went to a party
thrown by the In crowd. A hunter gave Bobby one puff on
primo dusted with happy powder and a PCP cocktail; Bobby
screamed Yaaaaah! for the rest of his life (Hunter).
Cross
Cranston, Doug Went to see his
brother, Bobby Cranston, scream
Yaaaaah! in the hospital. Bobby’s doctor pulled Doug aside and explained
that drug pushers really work for
Satan; I should know, the doctor
added, because I used to be a drug
pusher myself. Doug quickly accepted
Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Hunter).
Crazy Guy Crazy Guy promised young Suzi a crazy disco
night; he got her in the back seat of his car, whose bumper sticker read “Do it in my Datson” (sic), had safe sex with her and
gave her herpes. Crazy Guy reappeared twelve years later and
promised Suzi how to be a real party animal. He again got her
in the back seat of his car (which now read “Do it in the dirt!”)
and had safe sex with her, giving her both gonorrhea and
AIDS. Crazy Guy was never
heard from again (That Crazy
Guy! I, II ).
Cross A Jesuit symbol for
vengeance and death. The Tshape was designed by
Semiramis to honor her son
Tammuz by nailing a human
blood sacrifice to it (DoubleCross 7; Force 18).
Crucifixion The blood sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Jesus
began the process by praying so hard that He sweated blood,
then allowing a crowd to beat Him, spit on Him, and stick a
crown of 6-inch thorns into His head. A bald man then stripped
Crucifixion
Him naked, tied Him to a beam, and whipped Him until His
muscles were sliced open and spurting blood; His flesh now
hanging in ribbons, Jesus proceeded to carry a one hundredpound cross through a crowd of Jews and Romans who beat
Him, spit on Him some more, and ripped fistfuls of beard from
His pulpy face, prompting onlookers
to jeer, “Is He a man? There’s nothing
left of His face!” The crowd then
nailed Jesus through the wrists and
feet to the cross with rusty, germladen spikes and left Him to die in
burning, convulsive agony as the sky
darkened for three hours, lightning
flashed, and every filthy act ever committed was heaped upon His head. A
Roman soldier finally drove a lance into Jesus’ rib cage and water
and blood spurted forth, proving that He died, literally, of a broken heart (Gift 26–31; Force 17–18).
Crusades Centuries of wars initiated by the Roman Catholic
Church to take Jerusalem away from the Muslims after they
double-crossed her. On their way across Europe to slaughter all
the Muslims in Jerusalem, Catholic soldiers also slaughtered all
42
the Jews they encountered and systematically raped their mothers and daughters in order to wreck the Jews’ blood lines and
sow the seeds of the Children’s Crusade (Godfathers 4–8).
Crusaders Two former bad dudes named Jim Carter and
Tim Clark who accepted Jesus Christ as their own personal
Saviour and moved in together. When not working together at
Glenco Electronics, the manly pair can be seen at home in their
underwear or out risking life and limb to convince others to
accept Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour. The
Crusaders’ other activities include: repeatedly hugging a beautiful KGB agent wearing a short red dress; picking up cannibals
by the side of the road; attending a free drug party thrown by
Bobby Dallas, being attractive to a woman who was
already engaged to a jealous
man; forcing a child in India
to vomit up demons; convincing a Jew that he’d be a
fool not to accept Jesus Christ
as his own personal Saviour;
hanging out with Tommy;
photographing the ark of
Noah; teaching a girl to like
hog jowls and turnip greens
while educating her about circumcision; helping a tattooed former druid, Mason, and
Illuminati member stage a book burning; convincing a fellow
bad dude to get a haircut; and listening to Alberto go on and on
about the Roman Catholic Church for one hundred and ninety-two pages (Crusaders Series).
Darlene
D
Dallas, Bobby Signed a contract with the Devil to become
the greatest rock music star who ever lived. Bobby crashed his
car one night while trying to kill Jim Carter on a dare and had
to be rescued by Jim. A grateful Bobby invited Jim to his get-well
party, where he listened to Jim explain that Jesus Christ wiped
lives clean. Bobby’s bald business managers overheard Jim; afraid
that Bobby might accept Jesus
Christ as his own personal
Saviour, they drowned Bobby in
his swimming pool and predicted that his untimely death would
increase his record sales†
(Spellbound? 1–9).
Daniel The Persian king Darius
was tricked by his princes into
feeding this well-respected Jew
to the lions. After the lions
refused to eat Daniel, Darius fed his princes to the lions instead,
along with their wives and all their children (Cats).
Darlene A young woman saved from rape and murder by the
Crusaders, who casually told her that she would be in Hell
right now if they hadn’t saved her life. She called them creeps†
and got her live-in boyfriend to knock on the Crusaders’ door
and demand an apology. The Crusaders refused to apologize and
Darlene and her boyfriend accepted Jesus Christ as their own
personal Saviour (Angel of Light 2–32).
David, King A young Jew who killed the uncircumcised
Philistine giant, Goliath, with a single stone and grew up to
become the King of Israel. One night David spied the lovely
Bathsheba bathing by moonlight; he took her home and had sex
David, King
with her. When Bathsheba became pregnant David killed her
husband, married her, then begged Jesus Christ for forgiveness.
Jesus forgave David; nevertheless, He killed David’s baby and
punished him and his family with years and years of incest, rape,
and murder (Royal Affair; Terminator?).
David, Queen A boy whose dad wouldn’t take him fishing.
A guardian demon began following little David around, urging
him to peek at his dad’s pornography, masturbate, play doctor,
and play with dolls, which prompted his dad to call him a
sissy and tell him that he should be put on an island
with the rest of the queers and blown up. David grew up wishing that he was dead until he discovered gay baths—wow! This
was where it was at! But after his boyfriend cheated on him,
David stood by and watched queer-hunters beat his ex to death
with baseball bats. Your dad was right about you, David’s demon
told him: you are a gutless little coward. David kept looking for
love and identity but he was still unsatisfied, lonely, and insecure
43
until one day, while slumped over a drink in the Gay Bar, a
fanatic approached him. The fanatic explained that just like
smoking, gayness is an acquired habit and only Jesus Christ
can cure it. David accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour and his guardian demon departed with a
(Wounded Children).
Day of Judgement After the Millennium you will be
brought naked, kneeling, and trembling before Jesus Christ on
His Great White Throne to review the rebellious way you’ve
lived. Jesus will play back the movie of your life, highlighting
every filthy joke and lustful thought you ever had, before ordering His angel to check the Book of Life for your name. If your
name appears Jesus will say, “Well done,” and wave you on to
Heaven. If your name does not appear Jesus will be your worst
nightmare, ordering His angel to throw you off a cliff into the
Lake of Fire. This is the day that Satan has dreaded; his rotten
career will be finished because Jesus will throw him into the
Lake of Fire and then force him to admit, on his knees, that Jesus
is Lord (Going Home; King of Kings 43; This Was Your Life!;
Somebody Goofed).
Demons Former angels who rebelled with Lucifer against
Jesus Christ. In order to get people to keep their master company in the Lake of Fire they use idols to take over the minds
and bodies of men and lead them to witchcraft and religion,
especially the Roman Catholic Church (Burn Baby Burn; Force
8–11; King of Kings 3; Satan’s Master).
Devil Another name for Satan.
Dolly A teenager who was so impressed by her boyfriend Lance
and his fearless suicide that she too decided to hang herself, saying that she and Lance would then be together with all their
friends for one big party in Hell. Dolly’s sister mentioned this to
a preacher at Lance’s funeral; the preacher screeched over to
Drugs
Dolly’s house in his sport-utility vehicle, kicked the door down,
and pulled a struggling Dolly down from her noose. After Dolly
heard the preacher describe twenty-two ways Lance was now
being tormented in Hell, she and her sister both accepted Jesus
Christ as their own personal Saviour with tears and smiles on
their faces (No Fear?).
Donna A 14-year old girl who ran away from home because her
foks were trying to cram church down her; she climbed into a
Volkswagen bus and three pages later witches drank the
blood sacrifice from her nude body (Broken Cross 2–5).
Drugs Used to escape the pressures of the modern world.† The
One World Government will put out bins of free drugs for you
to use; in the meantime you can find booze, grass, pills, coke—
you name it man, load up—given away at parties thrown by
Bobby Dallas, snorted by homosexuals at the Gay Bar, injected into runaway teenage girls used as a blood sacrifice by
Satan worshippers, and taken by
other runaway teenage girls until
their brains and arteries gel, they get
flashbacks, and see their faces melt
in the mirror before they die.
However, teenage boys who read a
Chick tract while flying high on
marijuana immediately accept
Jesus Christ as their own personal
Saviour (Bewitched?; Broken Cross 13; Great Escape!; He Never
Told Us!; Last Generation I, II; Mad Machine; Spellbound? 5–6;
Wounded Children).
Druids Men so filled with demons that they demanded young
girls to blood sacrifice on Halloween and burned their slaves
alive with elfin fire at Stonehenge. During these rituals they
played a drum covered with human hide whose beat hypnotized
44
Druids
and addicted the listener. Today druids use this beat to infiltrate
churches with rock music and then blow them off the face of
the earth; they also control television in order to make Biblebelieving Christians look like members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Former druids turn to Chick Publications to tell their story
(Spellbound? 1–32).
Duke A big trucker and bad dude who called Jesus Christ a
sissy. An even bigger trucker overheard Duke and informed
him that he was going to Hell on a greased pole and Satan was
laughing his head off. Puzzled, Duke asked if he should stop
boozing, swearing, and cheating on his old lady. Nope, the
trucker replied, explaining that Jesus had already been beaten to
a pulp just for Duke’s sin. Duke immediately accepted Jesus as
his own personal Saviour and proclaimed that Jesus had more
guts than any man that ever lived (Sissy?).
E
Earth The main stage for the most amazing and dramatic bat-
tle of all time: Jesus Christ and Satan fighting for the title of
Lord. Those who study the earth scientifically know that it is
doomed by pollution, nuclear† and chemical waste, overpopulation, and global warming; those who see it coming are blowing
their minds with drugs,† booze,† and sex.† It’s so bad that
drinking water in the future will cost five dollars and sixty cents
per glass† (Escape!; King of Kings 4; Last Generation I ).
Ecumenicism The means by which Satan and the Roman
Catholic Church will bring together every religion of the world
in unity under the Pope, forming the One World Church and
One World Government (Chaos 25; Sabotage? 30).
Eden The garden where everything was perfect until an angry
Jesus Christ kicked out Adam and Eve and doomed them to
walk the earth in misery, arguing about whose fault it all was
and moaning about what it could have been like if only they
hadn’t blown it. Men and women have done so ever since (King
of Kings 4–11).
Elfstar Elfstar underwent intense occult training by playing
Dungeons and Dragons with her Dungeonmaster, Ms. Frost,
until Ms. Frost qualified her to enter a real-life witch coven.
There, Elfstar learned how cast the mind bondage spell on her
father, forcing him to buy her more D&D supplies. But after
Elfstar’s friend lost a game and committed suicide, a former
witch convinced Elfstar to take off her Members Only jacket,
burn her D&D manual, and accept Jesus Christ as her own
personal Saviour (Dark Dungeons).
Elijah A Jew who bet the priests of Baal that he could call fire
from Heaven before they could in order to burn a blood sacrifice. An evil crowd gathered, hoping that Elijah would lose so
they could kill him; when Elijah won the contest the crowd
killed the priests instead of Elijah and began to
follow him (Fire Starter?).
England A nation cursed by Jesus Christ; she is finished as a
major power† because she crossed the Jews. England is currently being brought to her knees by the followers of Islam
(Allah Had No Son; Support Your Local Jew).
Eric A boy who took the condoms his teachers gave him and
had safe sex with Ashley until she got pregnant, at which point
Eric said he was outta there. Furious, Eric’s uncle took him to a
Eve
doctor and explained the Lake of Fire to him; a sweaty Eric
quickly accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour and
raced off to tell Ashley that he really loved her and wanted to
marry her. They had a boy! (Baby Talk).
Esau The hairy twin brother of smooth Jacob, born to Isaac
and Rebekah. Esau despised his father’s inheritance and traded it
for a bowl of stew; for this, Jesus Christ hated him and doomed
him to become the father of the Arabs (Scoundrel).
Eve The first woman on earth, made by Jesus Christ from a
rib taken from her husband Adam. Eve was perfect in every way
even though she didn’t understand what was going on and had
no idea of the terrible crime she’d committed when she ate the
Fruit of Good and Evil. Eve’s action introduced sin, made
Satan the ruler of the
entire earth, and ruined
the life of every man,
woman, and child ever
born. Eve later had a son
named Cain and spoiled
him rotten. (King of
Kings 5–14).
Evolution The theory
that humans are merely
highly evolved apes,† scientifically proven to be a
lie by a single dinosaur
footprint in Texas (Big
Daddy?; Primal Man? 11
ff).
Exorcism These ceremonies work because
demons will cease their
45
Evolution
activities in the presence of a priest in order to fool you into
trusting him and the Roman Catholic Church (Force 7).
Extreme Oath A vow taken by Jesuits to hang, burn, waste,
boil, flay, strangle and bury alive as many Protestants as they
possibly can, and to rip up the stomachs and wombs of their
women and crush their infants’ heads against the walls (DoubleCross 14).
F
Fez A red cap worn by Masons that is actually a shrine to
Satan; the red symbolizes the blood of fifty thousand
Christians slaughtered by Muslim hordes who dipped their caps
in the blood (Curse of Baphomet).
Force, The The ability of Satan, his demons, and his worshippers to perform miracles that deceive the world into following the Roman Catholic Church (Force 1–32).
Fosters, The The Fosters were selling Jehovah’s Witness
Golf carts
them that Jesuits actually wrote their version of the Bibles. Mr.
Foster told the doctor to please go ahead with the transfusion
and saved his daughter’s life (Crisis).
Franco A Mason backed by the Vatican† who led an army of
Muslims against rebellious members of the Roman Catholic
Church in the Spanish Civil War (Godfathers 21).
Freeman, John A poor farmer who sold his soul to the Devil
and enjoyed riches and revenge on his enemies. Just before he
died Freeman’s doctor told him that there was still a way out.
Freeman accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour and
went straight to Heaven (Contract! ).
Fruit of Good and Evil Jesus Christ strictly forbade
Adam to eat this fruit because you cannot live with both good
and evil; you must choose one or the other. When Adam and
Eve ate this they committed the first sin and broke Jesus’ heart.
Jesus had always been their friend but now it was a whole new
ball game; Jesus kicked them out of Eden, cursed them with
thorns, poisonous snakes, insects, wild animals, wars, earthquakes, killer diseases, and demanded blood sacrifice from them (Earthman; King of Kings 5–12).
G
literature when their daughter got hit by a car. They refused to
let their doctor give her a blood transfusion until a stranger told
Generals Men in the U.S. Army who advocate
full-scale, all-out thermonuclear war as a means of protecting
the financial interests of the U.S.† They want peace at any
cost—even if it means going to war to get it† (How To Get Rich;
Mad Machine).
God The original name for Jesus Christ. For almost two thousand years the Jews have had no excuse for continuing to use
this name exclusively (Where’s Rabbi Waxman?).
Gold Rush A panic in the mid-19th century created by the
Roman Catholic Church over gold in California. The hysteria
was created initially to hide the Church’s bloody history with the
Indians; Roman Catholic prostitutes were then used by the
Vatican to harvest the gold from lucky miners (Poor Pope).
Golf carts Soldiers from the One World Government will
patrol the suburbs in these carts mounted with a guillotine, stopping to capture and behead anyone without 666 on their forehead. The crowds that gather will cheer as the severed heads roll
into a fish tank mounted on the side of the carts (Beast I, II;
Chaos 29; Four Horsemen 31).
Gomez, Carlos A bad dude who was supposed to avenge
his brother’s death the minute he got out of prison. Gomez met
a prison chaplain who had been even meaner than him, who
told Gomez that man had once murdered Jesus Christ. Gomez
Gomez, Carlos
was so outraged that upon his release, he immediately confronted his brother’s killer, who was bound and gagged in a chair, and
convinced him to accept Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Gomez is Coming).
Goode, Bob The cousin of John Freeman. Bob followed the
Ten Commandments and did as much good as possible before
he died and went to Hell (Contract! ).
Gordon, Ann A little girl who told her friend that Jesus
Christ was the only way to Heaven; the ACLQ charged Ann
with a major hate crime and sued her for ten million dollars; at
the trial Ann’s friend took the stand and swore that Jesus Christ
was the only way to Heaven, so the judge dismissed the case and
Jesus Christ sent the prosecution team to Hell (Trial).
Gordon, Marsha A young woman who tried to commit suicide but was rescued by the Crusaders. She thanked them by
clawing Jim Carter’s face and accusing his girlfriend of
lesbianism and of eating hog jowls and turnip greens. But when
the Crusaders explained to Marsha that Jesus Christ had
already killed himself as a gift just for her, she accepted Him as
her own personal Saviour and said that she now liked hog jowls
and turnip greens (Gift 1–32).
Green Angels Christians in a rock music group who were
a bunch of losers until they signed a recording contract with
Lewis Siffer. Their song, “Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock with the
ROCK,” became a hit and soon girls were throwing themselves
at the Green Angels. As they became homosexuals, vampires,
and drug users, their career burned out and a concerned woman
slipped their guitarist a Chick tract. The guitarist immediately
accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour, fired Lewis
Siffer, and began a new career telling people to burn anything
associated with rock music (Angels?).
46
H
Halloween A tradition begun by the druids, who went from
house to house and demanded a treat: a princess or young
woman. If the treat pleased the druids, they left a jack o’ lantern
to protect the household from demons. If no treat was provided, the druids would leave a trick: a hexagram on the front door,
indicating that Satan was to kill a member of the household
that night. The druids then carried the struggling treat to
Stonehenge, where the men brutally assaulted her and blood
sacrificed her to Satan. Jesus Christ hates Halloween (Boo!;
Spellbound? 13–14).
Hannah A practitioner of white witchcraft who thought that
her powers were only for good. She taught a Sunday School class
using spells from a Dungeons and Dragons book,
prompting a former witch who had accepted Jesus Christ as
Healers
Nightmare; Empty Tomb; Exorcists 6, 16, 21, 25; Fat Cats; Force
6–7; Four Horsemen 3; Gift 28; Godfathers 4; Hi There!; Holy Joe;
Humbug!; Hunter; Ivan The Terrible; Killer Storm; King of Kings
60; Lisa; Long Trip; Next Step 30; Only Hope; Operation Bucharest 18; Primal Man? 9, 12, 14, 23, 25; Prophet 3; Reverend Wonderful; Room 310; Satan’s Master (translated as “What a sweet
daddy!”); Somebody Goofed; Spellbound? 1, 32; Superman?; Thing;
This Was Your Life!;
Trap; Trick; Why No
Revival?;
Wounded
Children). Guffawed
after accepting Jesus
Christ as your own
personal
Saviour
(Primal Man? 29), or
after seeing a young
woman spill hot soup
in Tim Clark’s lap
(Scar Face 24).
Healers Agents of the
One
World
Government and the
New Age who wear
pointy hats and the
her own personal Saviour to expose her as a fraud, and Hannah’s
guardian demon, Ri-Chan, to throttle her to death (Satan’s
Master).
Haw Haw Haw Guffawed by followers of Satan (Alberto 16;
Angel of Light 8, 31; Angels?; Ark 5, 19, 21; Assignment; Beast;
Bewitched?; Big Betrayal 8, 42; Big Daddy?; Big Spender; Boo!;
Broken Cross 8; Bull; Chaos 5, 11, 17, 29; Contract!; Demon’s
peace symbol. They will hand out free drugs and encourage
children to turn in their Bible-believing Christian parents to
the authorities to be tortured, executed, and eaten by cannibals
(Last Generation I, II ).
Heaven According to astronomers, Heaven is most likely in a
nebula in the constellation of Orion. The gate alone is more than
sixteen trillion miles in diameter, revealing river masses of shining glass, irregular pillars, columns of stalactites in glittering
47
Heaven
splendor and stalagmites from a mighty floor, illuminated by
light glowing behind clear walls of ivory and pearl studded with
millions of diamonds and shining stars. Once you are inside
Heaven, you will have riches and power beyond your wildest
dreams. Angels will wait on you and you will travel in a beautiful new body at incredible speeds. In fact, if you knew what
Jesus has prepared for you, it would slay you. Getting into
Heaven isn’t a matter of good or bad, it’s only a matter of accepting Jesus Christ as your own personal Saviour. The idea that
good people go to Heaven and bad people go to Hell is a lie
straight from the Devil. (Broken Cross 28; Chaos 20; Gun Slinger;
Happy Halloween; Hit).
Heavy Metal The branch of Killer Rock responsible for turning millions of kids into rock-a-holics, or zombies (Angels?).
Hell One million souls pour into this place every week.
Everybody on the earth is going to go there unless they are covered with the blood sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Hell will be a
nightmare of screams, curses, thunderous noises and the stench
of sulfur in thick darkness, filled with ugly, hideous, smelly
things that laugh at you and torment you. You will weep, wail,
and gnash your teeth as snakes wrap around you and slimy,
creepy
demons bite your naked body and laugh Haw
Haw Haw. You will stay there for over one thousand years until
the Day of Judgment, when you will be thrown into the Lake
of Fire for all eternity (Angel of Light 31; Back From the Dead?;
Hi There! ).
Henry An unemployed man who watched pornography and
molested his little daughter, Lisa, while his wife went out and
worked all hours of the night. When Henry’s neighbor informed
him that he knew what was going on, Henry agreed to share Lisa
with him in exchange for silence. The doctor who later treated
Lisa for herpes also knew what was going on; he recommended
Holocaust
Vatican. Jesuits wrote Hitler’s autobiography, Mein Kampf, and
ordered his brown shirts to beat everyone into submission to the
Roman Catholic Church. Once Hitler was in power he
attacked Europe, beginning World War II† and the Holocaust†
Hell.
that Henry try Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour. Henry
did so, remarking that he suddenly felt clean and free of all guilt
(Lisa).
Heretics People slaughtered by the Roman Catholic Church
for eating meat on Fridays, believing that Jesus Christ is their
own personal Saviour who guarantees their entrance into
Heaven, or for refusing to believe in Purgatory, Confession, or
the Wafer God (Holocaust; Sabotage? 25).
Henderson, Corporal A soldier who figured that he was as
good as anyone else and didn’t need Jesus Christ as his own
personal Saviour. After he tried to convince Sarge not to murder Holy Joe, Henderson was killed by orientals and went
straight to Hell (Holy Joe).
Herod The king of Israel who attempted to eliminate Jesus
Christ as a rival to his throne by slaughtering every single male
infant in Bethlehem (Gift 22; Greatest Story Ever Told ).
Hitler, Adolf Head of the Nazi Party† and a hero of the
(Godfathers 19–25; Holocaust).
Hollywood Where propaganda for Satan is financed by men
who worship money† and directed by a swishy Jew in a toupee.
Jesus Christ Superstar depicted Jesus Christ as a fool and a fornicator and paved the way for the One World Church and the
One World Government (Exorcists 19; Last Generation I ; Primal
Man? 8 ff.).
Holocaust God warned the Jews that if they disobeyed Him,
they would suffer, and sure enough over six million of them were
tortured and murdered† in this Inquisition as Adolf Hitler carried out his duty as a faithful member of the Roman Catholic
Church. In a diabolical plot that covered their tracks, Roman
Catholic agents infiltrated Protestant churches in Germany and
persecuted Jews, tricking the Jews into believing that the
Protestants were their enemies; the Pope then quartered one
thousand Roman Catholic Jews in his Vatican so that he
could claim he was protecting the Jews from his own Holocaust
(Godfathers 19–25; King of Kings 47).
Holy Joe A soldier who told his fellow soldiers to accept Jesus
Holy Joe
Christ as their own personal Saviour; the Sarge finally sent
Holy Joe on a suicide mission (Holy Joe).
Homosexuals, Homosexuality Also known as
Lesbianism. Homosexuals are possessed by demons who drive
them to fornicate with their same sex. They come forth out of
Satan’s shadowy world, waving protest signs and demonstrating, but inside they suffer the agony of rejection, the despair of
unsatisfied longing, desiring, endless lusting and remorse. They
cry that gay is good, but their tragic lives prove that there isn’t
anything gay about being gay. Even children are not safe from
their gross perversions. They advocate the rape and murder of
Bible-believing Christians and plan blood terrorism: the deliberate poisoning our nation’s blood supply with the AIDS virus.
Men have cured this condition by accepting Jesus Christ as
their own personal Saviour and turning to Chick Publications
to tell their story (Alberto 11–12; Angels?; Doom Town I, II; Gay
Blade; King of Kings 22–23; Spellbound? 6; That Crazy Guy! I;
Wounded Children).
Hunters High school students in the In Crowd who must convince other students to take drugs; if hunters meet the quota set
by the wealthy, Satan-worshipping pillars of their community,
they receive sportscars and scholarships; if they fail to meet the
48
quota they are killed (Hunter).
I
Idol Statues used in religion; behind each and every one is a
demon that possesses people who bow to it (Burn Baby Burn).
Ignatius A saint† who founded the Jesuits,† the Illuminati,
and became the first Black Pope (Godfathers 9; Sabotage? 27).
Illuminati The financial arm of the Vatican founded by
Ignatius when demons illuminated his mind. Their mission is
to follow Lucifer and bring humanity on its knees to serve the
Pope. Through Masonry, hypnosis, witchcraft, and mind con-
trol they have financed and controlled the Nazi Party, the
Communist Party, both the Democratic and Republican
Parties, international banking, all World Wars, and every religion. The little guy on the street doesn’t stand a chance against
them. Former Illuminati turn to Chick Publications to tell their
story (Angel of Light 29; Force 23–25; Spellbound? 11).
In crowd The high-school students who do drugs† (Hunter).
Indulgences When a member of the Roman Catholic
Church who was guilty of any sin, including murder, could purchase forgiveness† from the Pope and be set free with a guaranteed entrance into Heaven (Sabotage? 27).
Inquisition When sixty-eight million people were tortured by
monks and nuns until they confessed to being Heretics, at
which point the Roman Catholic Church burned them to
death, took over their property, and then beautifully hushed it all
Islam
up. The Inquisition is never
mentioned any more, even
after it resurfaced as the
Holocaust (Alberto
16;
Attack; Kiss The Protestants
Good-Bye; My Name?; Sabotage? 25–26).
Isaac The legitimate son of
Abraham. After Jesus
Christ determined that little
Isaac was willing to die in a
blood sacrifice just for Him,
He made Isaac the grandfather of the Jews (Sacrifice).
Ishmael The illegitimate
son of Abraham. Abraham’s
wife nagged Abraham until
he kicked Ishmael out of the house. Ishmael grew to manhood
in the wilderness never again trusting anyone and fathering the
Arabs (Sacrifice).
Islam A demonic conspiracy created by the Roman Catholic
Church. The Pope hated the Jews and Arabs so much that he
used Muhammed to create this religion in order to destroy
them both. Once Muhammed had united the Arabs against the
Jews, the Pope secretly financed his military machine, which sustained tremendous casualties as it slaughtered Jews and finally
captured Jerusalem. The Islamic generals were so exhilarated by
their victory that they refused to hand over the city as agreed;
outraged, the Pope waged the Crusades in return. After centuries of bloodshed the two religions had so much information
on each other that it would be a scandalous disaster for both
sides if the truth were known, so they signed a secret treaty
49
Israel
agreeing to coexist and unite against their common enemy:
Bible-believing Christians. Islam is currently bringing
England to her knees and is the second-largest and fastest-growing religion in America; its followers expect a Muslim flag to fly
over the White House by the year 2010 (Allah Had No Son;
Deceived; Prophet 14–32; Story Teller).
Israel The descendants of Jacob, also known as the Jews.
Because they are the chosen people of Jesus
Christ every
single
nation that gives Israel a
bad time goes down the
tubes (Hit Parade;
Support Your Local Jew).
It Hit the fan when Chick Publications printed the story of
Alberto.† Rome screamed, pastors screamed, the Roman
Catholic Church plants and Jesuit deep agents in the
Christian machine screamed as their plan to establish the One
World Government was blown wide open (Kiss The Protestants
Good-Bye).
Ivan the Terrible A member of the Communist Party who
was handed a Chick tract and said Haw Haw Haw five times in
four pages; Ivan stopped guffawing when he found out that the
Roman Catholic Church created the Russian Revolution
(Ivan the Terrible).
J
Jack-o-lantern A pumpkin lit with a
candle made from the fat of human beings.
Used by druids on Halloween to mark a
home for death at the hands of demons.
(Spellbound? 14; Why No Revival? I, II ).
Jacob The smooth twin brother of hairy Esau, born to Isaac
and Rebekah. Jacob was sneaky, like his
mama, and with her help he tricked Esau
into trading the family inheritance for a bowl
of stew; however, after he himself was tricked
by his uncle, Jacob learned his lesson. Jesus
Christ blessed Jacob, changed his name to Israel, and made him
the father of all the Jews (Scoundrel).
Jehovah’s Witnesses People who must sell a quota of
Watchtower materials door to door in order to earn their salvation; if they are caught reading non-Witness material by their
undercover agents they are turned in to the Elders and forbidden
to talk to their family until they repent. Jehovah’s Witnesses are
very active, hitting homes at least twice a year; therefore a new
Chick tract should hit the home every ninety days (Crisis; Who
Are They Gonna Remember?).
Jerry One day Jerry took all the money his family had left in
the world and beat his wife to death; he then went to the
Bottoms Up Club and ordered the usual, commenting that he’d
had a bad morning. When Jerry returned home that night his
daughter waved a broken bottle at him and threatened to cut
him if he touched her; she said that she hated him, would never
forgive him, and wished he would die. But the next morning she
told Jerry that she forgave him “cuz Jesus said we should.” Jerry
put down his beer and his TV Guide and accepted Jesus Christ
as his own personal Saviour (Happy Hour).
Jesus
Christ The
biggest shot-caller of all,
and nobody messes with
Him. Jesus Christ created
the universe and everything
Jesus Christ
in it. Because Adam and Eve disobeyed Him one time
we are all totally depraved and rotten in His eyes, and only
blood sacrifice could soothe His anger over this state of
affairs. He therefore demanded blood sacrifice from us for thousands of years; however, because He loved us so much, Jesus
eventually came down to earth through Mary and allowed himself to be blood sacrificed in the agonizing Crucifixion, proving
that He was not a sissy or a weak fairy like so many picture
Him.
When
the
Crucifixion
was
over
Jesus cried, “It is finished,” and came back to life, decreeing that
once was enough and promising to punish anyone who suggest-
ed He or anybody ever do it again. Accepting Jesus as your own
personal Saviour has transformed millions into vibrant, aggressive† men, on fire for God, and it can do the same for you if you
act now; if you delay you will burn eternally in the Lake of Fire
(Brat; Bull; Force 17–18; King of Kings 1–64; Sissy?).
Jesuits The most dreaded religious strike force in history.
These soldiers must take the Extreme Oath and make every
man, woman, and child on this planet fall on their knees, proclaim that the Pope is Jesus Christ here on earth, and submit
completely to his power. Former Jesuits turn to Chick
Publications to tell their story (Alberto 1; Godfathers 9).
Jesuits
Jews The descendants of Jacob, also known as Israel. Even
though they were Jesus Christ’s chosen people, they kept turning against Him and picking up their neighbor’s bad habits.
Whenever Jesus sent them a prophet telling them to straighten
up or else, everybody got mad and usually killed the poor
prophet. So Jesus let the Jews be captured and clobbered by
enemy nations; when they’d had enough suffering they would
finally remember Jesus and cry to Him for help. Jesus would
then raise up a leader like Moses to get them out of the mess
and then they’d turn around and do it all over again. They
demanded a king like other nations, so Jesus gave them kings,
but the history of the Jewish kings is one of almost total disaster. After they ignored Jesus’ Crucifixion and continued to blood
sacrifice in their temple, Jesus took their Promised Land away
from them and scattered them all across the face of the earth
(Force 25; Hit Parade; King of Kings 24–46).
Jezebel A witch who married King Ahab and became the
queen of Israel. Jezebel’s servants threw her out of the palace
The Jews after Moses freed them from slavery.
50
window to her death; the wild dogs that had fed for years on her
victims ran up to her carcass and ate it (Going to the Dogs).
Jody Like eighty percent of the kids at her high school, Jody was
a witch who practiced blood sacrifice. She thought that
Lucifer was a far-out dude who gave her all the power she needed, but after the Crusaders informed her that Jesus Christ had
even more power than Lucifer, she decided to accept Jesus as her
own personal Saviour. This action saved her moments later when
the townspeople took off her clothes and tried unsuccessfully to
blood sacrifice her (Broken Cross 22–32).
Joey A former convict who broke into the home of a man and
promised to rob and kill him. The man got down on his knees
and cheerfully urged Joey to shoot him, claiming that he could
then enjoy all the riches and gold his own personal Saviour had
waiting for him in Heaven. Joey put down the gun and accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour (Thief).
Jonah A Jew who hated the Ninevites with all his heart
because they persecuted him. When Jesus Christ told Jonah to
Juan Uno
go and preach to the Ninevites, Jonah fled until Jesus forced him
to go there in the slimy belly of a whale. After the whale vomited Jonah up on the shores of Nineveh, Jonah reluctantly told the
crowd to repent, secretly hoping that none of them would so he
could watch Jesus destroy them all. Surprisingly the entire city
repented, including the cats, dogs, and horses. Jonah was so furious that he begged Jesus to kill him (First Jaws, Jonah 6–21).
Jones, Jim A powerful warlock and a well-trained Jesuit
who deliberately set up his famous massacre at Jonestown in
order to effect legal changes that will make it harder for
Protestants to hide from the One World Government
(Double-Cross 30–31).
Joseph The favorite son of Jacob. Joseph dreamed that all of
his brothers bowed down to him; when he told his brothers
about this dream they sold him into slavery to the Egyptians.
Jacob rose through the ranks until he was in charge of distributing Egypt’s food. During a famine Joseph’s brothers came to him
and begged for food; Joseph forgave his brothers for their betrayal and they all bowed down to him (Dreamer).
Juan Uno A man who had to buy shoes for his son, Juanito.
Juan’s friends asked him if he was a woman and convinced him
to have one little drink with them instead, night after night until
barefooted Juanito finally stepped on a piece of glass and died. A
tearful Juan then accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Tiny Shoes).
Juan Dos After the government attacked his family, Juan
ignored his wife’s pleading and joined the Roman Catholic
Church and the Communist Party to fight in the Revolution.
After the Revolution overthrew the government, priests necklaced gasoline-soaked rubber tires around Juan’s wife and family
and burned them to death for being heretics. Then they shot
Juan in the back of the head and Jesus Christ sent Juan to the
Juan Dos
Lake of Fire (Fat Cats).
Judas Iscariot The number-one traitor of all time;
Judas betrayed Jesus Christ by kissing Him. Today men in
the Mafia kiss to symbolize this treachery (Double-Cross 21; Gift
24–27).
51
K
Kali-Ma A 12-foot high Indian goddess who holds decapitated
heads in her hands and wears a dress made from bloody human
limbs; she rides on a flying tiger’s back and demands blood sacrifice from her followers (Traitor).
Killer Rock An organization run by Lewis Siffer that has the
souls of the whole world dancing to one beat (Angels?).
Ku Klux Klan A branch of Masonry formed by the Roman
Catholic Church after the U.S. Civil War. The Klan pretends to
be a Protestant, anti-Catholic organization in order to destroy
the image of Protestants, unite Catholics, and drive Blacks and
Jews into the arms of the Vatican (Godfathers 31).
L
Kali-Ma.
Liberation Theology
Lake of Fire Where you will go if you do not accept Jesus
Christ as your own personal Saviour. The billions of people who
laughed about the Crucifixion will all be there, and the smoke
of their torment will ascend up for ever and ever for eternity
(King of Kings 64).
Legion of Mary Militant female members of the Roman
Catholic Church who patrol Christian bookstores to discourage
the sale of Chick Publications (My Name?).
Lenin A Roman Catholic Jew brought into power after the
Russian Revolution via the famous sealed train. Lenin was
greeted in Moscow by crowds waving pictures of the Virgin
Mary (Ivan The Terrible).
Lesbianism If you are exposed to lesbianism you must turn
away from it; only Jesus Christ can give you the strength to do
this (Gay Blade).
Liberation theology Taught by Jesuits; they teach that
The Lake of Fire.
Jesus Christ was a machine-gun carrying member of the
Communist Party, that man is basically good, and that his sal-
vation lies in overthrowing the capitalist system that has enslaved
him in social, economic, and political
chains.† These poor people† then
believe that the rich should be punished just for being rich—a deadly lie.
(Fat Cats; Macho! ).
Lincoln, Abraham President during the U.S. Civil War.
Lincoln accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour at
Gettysburg; for this and for defending Charles Chiniquy in
court he was assassinated by Jesuits (Big Betrayal 41–65).
Lord Title held by the winner of the battle for the planet earth
(King of Kings 64).
Lot The only straight man in the entire city of Sodom. Lot
Lincoln, Abraham
attempted to save two angels from a homosexual gang rape by
offering his two virgin daughters to the gang instead; the swearing, clawing perverts declined, insisting that they only wanted
men. Jesus Christ spared Lot and his two daughters when He
annihilated Sodom the next day (Doom Town I ).
Love Gospel Taught by people who want you to join in their
love group where everything is okay—a deadly lie created by the
Roman Catholic Church and Ecumenicism in order to send
even more souls into Hell. (Double Cross 16–17).
Lucifer The most beautiful creature ever made by Jesus
Christ. Lucifer had it made: he was Jesus’ favorite angel, perfect
in beauty and wisdom, and chosen to guard Jesus’ throne.
Lucifer became power mad and conned a third of the angels in
Heaven to join him in a rebellion against Jesus, so Jesus booted
them all out of Heaven down to the planet earth, where Lucifer
52
became known as Satan and his angels as demons. (Angel of
Light 9–10; King of Kings 2–3).
Luther, Martin A young monk who heard about indulgences and exploded in anger, nailing his 95 theses to the door
in Wittenberg† and beginning the Protestant reformation
(Sabotage? 27).
M
Mad Machine A desperate world where science, crime, and
the arms race are out of control†; frightened people look to psychologists, politicians, doctors, health-food quacks, money,
drugs, alcohol and divorce to solve their problems† (Mad
Machine).
Mafia The criminal arm of the Vatican, controlled by Jesuits
(Four Horsemen 30).
Mandy A high-school student who adopted Satan worship at a
slumber party held by her teacher. A demon began to help
Mandy win at volleyball and be popular, but after the teacher
forced Mandy to drink an infant blood sacrifice, she had second thoughts and decided to accept Jesus Christ as her own
personal Saviour. She was murdered for this and went to Heaven
(Poor Little Witch).
Mao An member of the Communist Party† who used the
Secret Weapon† to take over China in just ten years. Once in
power Mao killed over 60 million of his own people, invaded
Korea,† and began torturing and murdering innocent people in
Tibet.† Mao’s story inspired Jack T. Chick to begin making
Chick tracts† (Kings of the East; Last Missionary; Who Me?).
Marshall, The A cop who claimed to be the most honest,
law-abiding man in the whole territory. He said that if he wasn’t
good enough for Heaven, then no one was; a gigantic rat-
Mary
tlesnake then bit the Marshall right on the face and he went
straight to Hell (Gun Slinger).
Marty A Jew who drove the Crusaders around Jerusalem in
his taxi as they told him about the horrors awaiting him during
the Tribulation and Armageddon. At the end of the ride, Marty
said he’d be a fool not to accept Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour. “Right on, baby!” said Jim Carter (Chaos 10–32).
Marx A Jew who secretly converted to the the Roman Catholic
Church and worked with Jesuits to develop the Communist
Party. After the Russian Revolution Marx outraged the
Vatican by double-crossing her and giving the power not to her,
as promised, but to The State (Ivan The Terrible; Macho! ).
Mary Each little girl among the Jews secretly hoped that she
would be chosen to give birth to Jesus Christ; Mary was
stunned when she became the vessel because she was still a virgin. Knowing that she could be stoned to death for adultery, she
married her fianceé, Joseph, and faithfully made a blood sacrifice of two turtledoves. After she gave birth to Jesus in a smelly
stable Joseph touched her sexually and they went on to have four
sons and multiple daughters; Mary was quite human and it
breaks her heart when people worship Semiramis as the Virgin
Mary (Angel of Light 18; King of Kings 48–55; Poor Pope? Why is
Mary Crying?).
Mason, Masonry Also known as Shriners and Knights
of Columbus; founded by Nimrod. Masons swear an oath
to Lucifer and worship Baphomet; they believe that righteousness comes from wearing a Fez and an apron packed with occult
symbols. Former Masons turn to Chick Publications to tell
their story (Angel of Light 30; Curse of Baphomet; Spellbound? 26).
Mass One of the biggest money-making schemes in history and
the single largest source of income for the Roman Catholic
Church. Priests demand a fee from their followers before saying
Masonry
a special Mass which their followers believe will get them and
their loved ones out of Purgatory (Poor Pope?).
Me Me’s dad wanted another drink so he made Me go out in a
thunderstorm to beg on the streets for money, where Me’s pants
slipped down far enough to expose Me’s little butt. When Me
came back shivering with only one penny, Me’s dad said
, beat Me bloody and senseless with a club, and threw
Me out of the house into the mud. Me crawled shivering and
alone through crowded streets until a little girl told Me that
Jesus Christ loved Me. Me sighed happily, crawled into an
empty box in a dirty alley and died. An angel then took Me to
Heaven (Somebody Loves Me).
Mildred A Christian who rejected a Chick tract, calling it disgusting and offensive.† That night Mildred dreamed that her
friend Frances—who had not yet accepted Jesus Christ as her
own personal Saviour—died
and went to Hell. When
Mildred awoke she discovered
that Frances had died in a car
crash the night before (Letter).
Millennium A thousandyear period following Armageddon when Jesus Christ will
rule the earth from His Great
White Throne in Jerusalem. Men and women will all wear colorful sleeveless uniforms and talk about the nail scars on Jesus’
hands until the Day of Judgment (Beast I, II; King of Kings 64).
Miracles Performed by The Force in order to deceive the
masses and destroy their souls forever. Miracles include: visions
of the Queen of Heaven, exorcism, statues that move or speak,
hexes, spells, soul travel, astral projection, curses, levitation, hypnosis, telepathy, psychotherapy, voodoo, and faith healing (Force
53
11).
Money Chased like the wind by greedy people in the world of
big business.† There are symbols of Masonry on the back of
dollar bills† (How to Get Rich).
Monks Devout members of the Roman Catholic Church who
espouse celibacy, perform hexes, spells, curses, soul travel, and
drink human blood sacrifice to the Virgin Mary (Force 21).
Moon Worshiped by followers of Semiramis (Force 11).
Mormons People who receive a secret name that allows them
entrance to Heaven; to earn this name Mormons must learn a
secret handshake, take a blood oath to Baal, and wear special
underwear covered with symbols of Masonry. Mormons are
very active, hitting homes at least twice a year; therefore a new
Chick tract should hit the home every ninety days (Visitors;
Who Are They Gonna Remember?).
Moses A Jew who escaped execution and slavery because he
was found and raised by the daughter of Pharaoh. Moses grew
up to be a big wheel in Egyptian politics and was put in charge
of building cities using Jewish slaves. Moses knew that he was a
Jew and hated the way the Jews were treated like dogs, so he
asked Pharaoh to let them go free. With the help of plagues and
blood sacrifice on Passover, Moses finally won this freedom
for his Jewish people and led them out of Egypt. Were they
grateful? Of course not. They moaned and groaned about the
long journey and Moses spent the last forty years of his life stuck
in the desert with three million rebellious, complaining Jews
who almost drove him nuts. When they weren’t complaining
they were having one big orgy. In frustration, Moses hit a rock
with his stick; because of this one act, Jesus Christ never let
Moses see the Promised Land before he died (Hit Parade; King
of Kings 29–44).
Ms. A title used by women allied with Satan (Baby Talk; Dark
Moses
Monks dispose of a heretic.
Dungeons; That Crazy Guy! I, II; Trial).
Muhammed A brilliant youth groomed by the Vatican to
make Arabs serve the Roman Catholic Church. When
Muhammed was born the Pope sent his deep agents to tell the
Arabs to expect an Arab messiah soon; he then sent a monk to
tell young Muhammed that his birthmark would always make
54
Ms.
the Jews hate him. When Muhammed grew up a wealthy and
beautiful nun named Khadijah seduced and married him; her
Catholic family then guided him to write the Virgin Mary and
the Moon idol, Allah, into the Koran. Faithful Roman Catholic
Arabs preached that Muhammed was the messiah, the Arabs
united under him against the Jews, and the sword of Islam was
born (Deceived; Prophet 15–21; Story Teller).
Muslims Arabs who follow Islam and look to the Moon for
their salvation. The blame for this unspeakable crime goes
directly to the Roman Catholic Church (Allah Had No Son;
Prophet 32).
Mussolini A bald man who strutted† around while his thugs
beat all his opponents into submission.† The Vatican swept him
into power and began World War II (Godfathers 17).
N
Nazi Party Created by the Roman Catholic Church in order
to start World War II and exact revenge on the Communist
Party (Godfathers 19–25; Ivan The Terrible).
Nebuchadnezzar The king of Babylon who hurled three
Jews into a furnace because they worshiped Jesus Christ; after
the Jews survived the furnace Nebuchadnezzar decreed that he
would kill anyone who did not worship Jesus Christ (Burn Baby
Burn).
New Age A movement that has opened up millions of people
to direct contact with demons; also an era of peace initiated by
the One World Government (Beast II ; Last Missionary).
Nimrod The key man of Satan. Here’s a sicky for you: Nimrod
was just as evil as his mother, Semiramis, so when he grew up
he married her. Together they built Babylon and invented the
monster religion in order to send billions of souls into Hell.
Nimrod had a think-tank of evil whose members were just as
smart as any man alive today: they developed astrology, all forms
of witchcraft (Nimrod himself was a master warlock), and a religion so well-planned that today it controls the entire earth under
many different names. It is Satan’s masterpiece. When Nimrod’s
uncle Shem got wind of what Nimrod was doing, he cut Nimrod
to pieces and mailed the body parts to different cities to warn
people not to mess with the occult. Shem’s dismemberment
failed, however, as Nimrod continued to be worshiped after his
death under his new name of Baal, the Sun god, later known as
the Baby Jesus (Angel of Light 10–15; Force 10–11; King of Kings
19–20; Sabotage? 17–18).
Noah The biggest joke in town because he warned the people
that Jesus Christ was going to kill every living being on earth
with a great flood. Everybody said Haw Haw Haw until the
flood actually came and they all went to Hell, screaming and
clawing. Noah survived the flood in his ark and repopulated the
earth with his family, becoming the great-grandfather of
Nimrod. The evidence of Noah’s ark was destroyed by Trotsky
(Ark 25; Hit Parade; Killer Storm; King of Kings 16–18).
Nuns Temple prostitutes who serve priests under cover of
celibacy and bury aborted infants beneath their convents; they
also practice lesbianism, hexes, spells, self-flagellation, curses,
soul travel, and drink human blood sacrifice to Lucifer
(Alberto 12; Double-Cross 3; Force 10, 21).
O
Obelisk A Nimrod symbol that stands for the male sex organ,†
life through sex, and the One World Government. There is one
in the Vatican† and one in Washington, D.C.† Jesus Christ
hates obelisks (Curse of Baphomet; Sabotage? 20, 30).
O’Hara, Danny
O’Hara, Danny While dying of cancer in a hospital, Danny
told a chaplain just where he could put his copy of The Bible.
He then uttered
, lit a cigar, and began reading
pornography. However, Danny grew lonely when his friends
failed to visit him; after Danny’s roommate bragged that he had
a friend named Jesus Christ who would never let him down,
Danny accepted Him as his own personal Saviour (Room 310).
One World Church What the Roman Catholic Church
will call itself when ecumenicism has brought together every
single religion under its control. This church will then rule the
planet with the One World Government (Beast I, II ).
One World Government Will rule the earth during the
Tribulation; this government will send Healers into schools to
55
One World Church
brainwash your children, control your television set, insert
microchips in your head to program you and increase the pain,
put you in a concentration camp for child abusers if you try to
send your kids to bed early, then execute you and use your dead
body for food (Four Horsemen 6; Last Generation I, II ).
Orgy, Orgies Wild sex parties† (King of Kings 42).
Orthodox Church Formed when Constantine moved the
seat of his empire from Rome to Constantinople; the bishops in
both cities wanted to run the show and a rivalry developed
between the Roman Catholic Church, headed by the Pope,
and the Orthodox Church, headed by the Patriarch. The power
play that ensued resulted in one of the Crusades, the
Communist Party, and World War I (Ivan The Terrible).
Orientals Will the yellow race rule the world? No: they will be
destroyed at the battle of Armageddon (Kings of the East).
P
Palmer, Fran A lonely woman interested in a pair of young
Mormons who knocked on her door at night and taught her
how to pray so that she would feel a burning in her bosom. After
these young men told her that Jesus Christ had multiple wives
and that wearing special underwear would help her get into
Heaven, Fran got nervous and decided to stick with Jesus
Christ as her own personal Saviour (Visitors).
Passover The tenth plague. On the night of Passover, Jesus
Christ went out and slaughtered every oldest child and every
oldest animal in every Egyptian household, sparing only the
Jews who had smeared their front door with a blood sacrifice.
This finally convinced Pharaoh to let Moses and the Jews go
free (Passover Plot?).
Paul A member of the Communist Party who beat his brother
Jimmy within an inch of his life for interrupting a party meeting. After the Revolution, Paul hung Jimmy from the gallows
moments before he himself was shot in the head by his superior
officers (Poor Revolutionist).
Peace The peace symbol is an inverted and broken cross,
worn by Satan, witches, homosexuals, healers, followers of
the Beast, takers of drugs, the Communist Party, and the One
World Church. The Pope† and members of the Nazi Party
flash the peace sign with their hands; followers of Satan raise a
toast to peace when they drink the blood sacrifice of a teenage
Peace
girl. (Baby Talk; Bewitched?; Broken Cross 5, 10, 26; Chaos 25–27,
29, 31; Doom Town II; Force 27; Four Horsemen 21; Happy
Halloween; King of Kings 42; Last Generation I, II; Poor
Revolutionist; Trust Me! ).
Peace of Christ A symbol carved by monks into the chests
of infants they blood sacrifice to the Virgin Mary (Force 31).
Penny A girl who thought that rock music was far out; when
a former druid demanded that Penny burn her records, she cried,
“Over my dead body!” But after the druid told her about
Masonry, Penny threw her records into the fire and accepted
Peace of Christ
Jesus Christ as her own personal Saviour, remarking that she
now felt free (Spellbound? 10–29).
Peterson, Joe A prison chaplain who met a convict on
death row who had been framed by a stupid broad. The convict
called Joe a
and told him to drop dead; however, after
Joe told the convict that Jesus Christ had also been framed,
and that most of His disciples had prison records and were executed, the convict accepted Jesus as his own personal Saviour
(Frame-Up).
Pharaoh The bald ruler of Egypt who refused to let the
enslaved Jews go free until Jesus Christ killed his only son and
heir on Passover (Plagues).
Pirates Men who roamed the high seas and looted all boats
not in the service of the Roman Catholic Church. Their jolly
roger, or skull and crossbones, is really the black flag of Jesuits
under the Extreme Oath. Pirates eventually became known as
the Mafia (Poor Pope?).
Plagues Ten were visited upon Egypt by Jesus Christ because
Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go free. Because Egypt worshiped the Nile River, Jesus turned its waters into blood; because
they worshiped frogs, Jesus covered the land with frogs until
they stank in great heaps; because they worshiped lice, Jesus
turned the dust into lice; because they worshiped flies, Jesus covered the land with flies; because they worshiped cows, Jesus
killed all of their cows; because they prayed to a goddess for
relief from boils, Jesus covered their bodies with boils; because
they worshiped the sky, Jesus rained fire and hail upon them;
because they worshiped locusts, Jesus covered the land with
locusts; because they worshiped the Sun, Jesus covered the land
with total darkness for three days. Finally, Jesus hit them with the
Passover plague and convinced Pharaoh to let the Jews go free
(Plagues).
56
Pope Every single Pope has been an Antichrist completely controlled by demons. Although he is the visible head of the
Roman Catholic Church, the Pope takes his orders directly
from the Black Pope. The current Pope is a member of the
Communist Party; soon he will become the Beast and bring
about the One World Church, the One World Government,
World War III, and Armageddon (Beast II; Force 20; Godfathers
31; Is There Another Christ?; Poor Pope?).
Pornography Softcore pornography is ogled by men who
don’t accept Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour;† hardcore pornography causes you to molest your daughter or become
a homosexual (Beast I;
Four Brothers; Frame-Up;
Holy Joe; Lisa; Room 310;
Why No Revival?; Wounded
Children).
Prayer The channel of all
blessings and the secret of
power and of life. Close
your eyes, address your
request to Jesus Christ,
and you will get what you
want almost immediately,
be it direction to find a
cannibal; a check for over
three thousand dollars,
acquittal from phony rape charges, a man to be bit by a scorpion, a car to get a flat tire on the way to a clinic, or lightning to
destroy a saloon. You can also get what you want by praying to
the Virgin Mary or Satan (Baby Talk; Big Betrayal 44; Broken
Cross 12; Chaos 24; Exorcists 8; Force 2; Next Step 28; Satan’s
Master; Scar Face 15; Spellbound? 6; Tiny Shoes).
Purgatory
Priests Men in the Roman Catholic Church who practice
celibacy and roam Christian bookstores looking for Chick
Publications; in Central America priests carry guns and take
their orders from the Communist Party (Fat Cats; Kiss The
Protestants Good-Bye; Last Missionary; Macho! ).
Protestants People who used to know what was going on.
They lived when preachers weren’t afraid to say that the Roman
Catholic Church is the Whore of Revelation. Today Protestants
are almost all dead or afraid. But not Jack Chick! (Kiss The
Protestants Good-Bye).
Protocols of Zion A hoax† written by Roman Catholic
Jews under the command of Jesuits in order to deceive the
world into thinking that Jews, and not the Roman Catholic
Church, created the Communist Party (Godfathers 10).
Psychologists People who spoil kids rotten, advocate accepting homosexuals, and tell you to blame it all on your mother;
their therapy sessions are filled only with anger, putdowns, and
tears. About eighty-six percent of all priests see psychologists
(Alberto 10; Bad Bob!; Holy Joe, Mad Machine, Wounded
Children).
Purgatory An imaginary place where the dead are held and
punished before they can enter Heaven; Purgatory was invented by the Roman Catholic Church† to scare its followers into
paying money for the Mass and doing whatever the Pope
demands (Are Roman Catholics Christians?).
Q
Queen of Heaven Another name for Semiramis, also
known as Aphrodite, Ashtarte, Cybele, Devaki, Diana, Disa,
Indrani, Irene, Isis, Madonna, Minerva, Mother Goddess,
Mother of Man, Our Lady of Fatima, Our Lady of Guadalupe,
57
Queen of Heaven
Shing Moo, and the Virgin Mary (Angel of Light 15; Why is Mary
Crying?).
R
Ramu A bald high priest of Kali-Ma who demanded blood
sacrifice from his followers. When Ramu ordered his demons
to attack a Bible-believing Christian, the demons turned
against Ramu and beat him until he could barely crawl, convincing him to accept Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour
(Traitor).
Rapture The next event on Jesus Christ’s calendar. He will
break off diplomatic relations with planet earth and everyone
who has accepted Him as their own personal Saviour will blast
off into Heaven; everyone who hasn’t accepted Him as their
own personal Saviour will be left behind to face the nightmare†
of the Tribulation (Beast I, II; Chaos 13–22; Only Hope).
Rasputin A Jesuit who sexually worshiped Satan and used
magical powers to work undercover as a triple agent for the
Vatican during the Russian Revolution (Godfathers 12).
Reagan, Ronald Took the oath of office while facing the
Washington obelisk, unaware† that he was secretly signaling to
Jesuits worldwide that ecumenicism had successfully
destroyed the Protestants. After Reagan was shot, Jesuits hired
a Muslim to shoot but not kill their own Pope so that the Pope
and Reagan would have something in common; sure enough,
the two became fast friends and Reagan filled his administration
with more members of the Roman Catholic Church than any
president in U.S. history (Holocaust; Kiss The Protestants GoodBye; Prophet 30).
Relics Milk and foreskins sold by the Roman Catholic
Church to her followers, who believe the milk is from the Virgin
Mary and the foreskin from the Baby Jesus (Poor Pope?).
Religion The business of Satan. Jesus Christ hates religion
(Gift 11; King of Kings 40).
Revolution Will begin when the American cells of the Communist Party broadcast the code word Bedlam at 11:25 p.m. and
strike hard, crying, “Death to all pigs and their families!” This socalled liberation force will set up cops to answer phony calls and
shotgun them while their comrades torch suburban homes and
systematically execute families on their front lawns. Despite resistance from armed citizens who kept their weapons hidden from
gun control laws, the Revolution will triumph
and everyone who has accepted Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour will be shot. The revolutionists will then be shot in
the back of the head by their superiors and Jesus Christ will
send them to the Lake of Fire (Poor Revolutionist).
Ri-Chan A demon who tried to attack an invulnerable Biblebelieving Christian; Ri-Chan grew so enraged that he turned
against his head witch, whipped her almost to death, then throttled Hannah to death. This scared one of Ri-Chan’s witches so
badly that she accepted Jesus Christ as her own personal
Saviour (Satan’s Master).
Rock music Born at Stonehenge, this music has grown into
Rock music
the gigantic business† known as Killer Rock. Rock music pushes murder, drugs, free sex, suicide, and the destruction of country, home, and education. Bands can either rock for the rock, or
with the rock—either way, everyone loves it because it all sounds
the same.† Punk rock makes kids think that Hell is one big
party, encouraging them to commit suicide in order to get there
faster. The melody and drum beat of every rock song is taken
from the spells of druids and is a form of hypnotism that addicts
the listener. The master tape of each song is recorded with coded
spells or incantations of which the listener is unaware; the tape
is then blessed by nude witches in a full-moon ceremony so
that a demon will possess you when you listen to the album.
This demonic possession can be cured only if you accept Jesus
Christ as your own personal Saviour and burn everything associated with rock music. Former rock musicians turn to Chick
Publications to tell their story (Angels?;
Back From the Dead?; Spellbound? 12–29;
Why No Revival II?).
Roman Catholic Church See
Whore of Revelation.
Roman Catholic Jews Jews
whose secret loyalty is to the Pope; they
wrote the Protocols of Zion, the foundation of the Communist Party, and
spent lots of money in Germany during
the Great Depression in order to create
the resentment necessary to put Adolf
Hitler in power (Godfathers 16–21).
Russian Revolution When the Roman Catholic Church
took over Russia in order to crush her rival, the Orthodox
Church, with the Communist Party. She was foiled, however,
when the Patriarch of the Orthodox Church gave the victorious
Roman Catholic Church
Communists 666 million dollars in gold and convinced them to
allow his Church to remain in Russia. The Pope almost had a
heart attack and immediately began planning World War II to
exact revenge on the double-crossing Communists (Godfathers
12–15; Ivan The Terrible).
Ruth A young Moabite woman who married a Jew even
though the Moabites were the worst enemies of the Jews. After
Ruth’s husband died, she vowed loyalty to the Jews anyway and
went to Israel to live as an outcast. She obeyed the Jewish custom of sleeping with her dead husband’s kinsman (who just happened to be her boss) and became the wealthiest, most respected woman in Bethlehem (Outsider).
S
Safe sex Causes pregnancy and AIDS; women named Ms.
and teachers push this practice on the millions of children who
will die from it (Baby Talk; That Crazy Guy II ).
Samson A Jew who had a few problems. He grew up under
the rule of Philistines, who routinely placed cash bets to see who
could run over the most Jewish children in the street; nevertheless Samson married a Philistine woman. She betrayed him, forcing him to slaughter well over a thousand Philistines with a jawbone in order to escape. Samson then married another Philistine
woman; she robbed him of his strength, gouged out his eyes, and
prepared to make him a blood sacrifice to Baal. The blind
Samson finally saw the light and prayed to Jesus Christ, who
gave Samson the strength to topple the sacrificial temple with
one shove and crush over three thousand Philistines and himself
to death (Superman?).
Santosh An Indian boy possessed by one of his country’s three
hundred million demons. Santosh uttered
and Haw
58
Haw Haw repeatedly until the Crusaders arrived and made
him vomit up the demon, leading everyone in the village to
accept Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour (Exorcists
13–32).
Sarge A soldier who murdered Holy Joe, then accepted Jesus
Christ as his own personal Saviour just seconds before he died
and went to Heaven (Holy Joe).
Satan Formerly known as Lucifer. Satan is the ruler of earth
and the spiritual father of all humanity; he and his demons have
legal and spiritual control over everyone. Dumb yo-yos worship
Satan† because they believe that Jesus Christ was a wimp who
cried, “Why hast thou forsaken me?” over and over and over.
Satan is afraid of spending eternity alone in the Lake of Fire, so
he created religion, using Nimrod and Semiramis, in order to
take as many people as he can with him. Former Satanists turn
to Chick Publications to tell their story (Angel of Light 9–12;
Force 8–9; Spellbound? 11; That Old Devil ).
Scar Face Disfigured by a childhood whipping, Scar Face
became a member of the Communist Party and vowed revenge
on the entire white race. After a white man tried to save Scar
Face’s life, Scar Face accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Scar Face 1–32).
Scotts, The Alex and Sally Scott were good people who gave
their son Tommy love and everything
in the world; nevertheless, Tommy
shot himself in despair. A doctor
explained that Tommy could still pull
through but had no will to live. Alex
and Sally cried in the waiting room
and wondered why until their friend
Ed informed them that it was
because Alex was a Shriner. Shocked,
Scotts, The
Alex and Sally raced home and burned Alex’s Fez and his
Masonry apron in the back yard; afterward, they both agreed
that they felt so different—even their house felt clean and light.
Then the phone rang: little Tommy had pulled through and was
as hungry as a bear! (Curse of Baphomet).
Secret Weapon Also known as comic books.
Semiramis She was the pits; no woman was ever more evil
than she was. Semiramis was a powerful witch, completely sold
out to Satan, and the embodiment of all evil. She was so gor-
Secret Weapon
geous that she stopped a riot in Babylon because the rioters all
wanted to stand and admire her beauty. This tricky little mama
married her own son, Nimrod, and ruled Babylon with him.
Together they plunged deep into sin, inventing celibacy, death
by crucifixion, and demanding that her followers blood sacrifice infants by cutting a cross into the baby’s chest and removing its heart to please her and make peace with Nimrod. After
Nimrod was killed, Semiramis had a brainstorm: she could
brainwash the people into loving Nimrod instead of remembering him as the monster that he was. She quickly renamed the late
Nimrod Baal, the Sun god, and then got pregnant—claiming
she was still a virgin—and said her newest son, Tammuz, was
Baal reincarnated, making her the virgin Queen of Heaven.
They bought it! She won the hearts of the people and pushed
her religion underground, using confession so she always knew
what was going on and could rule her followers with an iron fist.
Statues of her as a mother with child appeared everywhere and
Baal worship was off and running as her story spread across the
world to every race and religion, especially the Roman Catholic
Church (Angel of Light 13–15; Force 10–11; Sabotage? 17–18).
Serpent Originally the most beautiful and subtle creature on
earth, the serpent was possessed by Satan, who fascinated Eve
with his conversation and convinced her to eat the Fruit of
Good and Evil. In anger Jesus Christ cursed the serpent and
made it crawl on its belly in the dirt forever (King of Kings 6).
Siffer, Lewis The CEO of Killer Rock. Lewis plays it low
key; he is so far into the background that almost nobody believes
he exists†—and he likes it that way (Angels?).
Sin Began when Adam and Eve ate the Fruit of Good and Evil
and made us all totally depraved and rotten in the eyes of Jesus
Christ, who hates sin. This established a pattern continued
today: when we sin, we try to blame someone else for it;† when
59
Jesus sees us sin, He demands that something completely innocent of sin, including Himself, die in a blood sacrifice (Gift 31;
King of Kings 9–11).
Slator, Gary A bad dude in prison because a teacher told
him that Jesus Christ did not write The Bible. This lie made
Gary shove his Bible into the teacher’s mouth, beat the Dean
within an inch of his life, burn as many Bible colleges as he possibly could, and grow a ponytail. After Gary was released he met
the Crusaders, who told him that Jesus did indeed write The
Sofia
Bible; this inspired Gary to start looking for a good barber
(Sabotage? 1–32).
Sodom A city controlled by Satan because its citizens worshiped idols, allowing the demons of homosexual lust to whip
them into swearing, clawing, sweaty gang rape frenzies in which
even little children were subject to their gross perversions. Jesus
Christ hates sodomy, so He killed every single person in the city
but Lot (Bull; Doom Town I; Doom Town II ).
Sofia A swallow, or beautiful Soviet girl trained to seduce foreigners so they can be blackmailed. Sofia had a perfect record of
nineteen entrapments for the Communist Party and claimed
that all men were alike and that there wasn’t a real man she
couldn’t seduce. But when Sofia tried to seduce Tim Clark, Tim
got her down on her knees, where she accepted Jesus Christ as
her own personal Saviour. Tim skipped town and Sofia spent the
rest of her life in a Siberian prison being grateful for that one
moment (Operation Bucharest 23–32).
Spanish Civil War Began when Spaniards discovered the
skeletons of babies buried by nuns and attacked the Roman
Catholic Church in outrage. Equally outraged, the Pope
ordered a blood bath on his own followers. He sent his Jesuits
to the Muslims, who still owed him for double-crossing the
Vatican during the Crusades, and demanded that the Muslims
redeem themselves by fighting for Spain under Franco. The
Muslims jumped at the chance
to kill Roman Catholics and
swept across Spain, slaughtering
men, women, and children
without mercy, while Jesuits
controlled the news to make it
appear as though they were
fighting the Communist Party.
Spanish Civil War
When it was over Spain was in ruins, bleeding and beaten, but
safely back in the hands of the Pope, who was now ready to fight
World War II (Godfathers 21; Prophet 28–29).
State, The The State takes The Bible out of schools, says
pornography is okay so you’ll be turned on sexually, and then
passes out condoms like candy so you get AIDS and they can
kill your baby for free (That Crazy Guy! I, II ).
Stiletto, Tony A member of the Mafia who killed Rose
Lucci’s family. Years later, Rose Lucci held a syringe to Stiletto’s
neck and convinced him to accept Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour. Tony said it was an offer he couldn’t refuse (Hit).
Stonehenge The birthplace of rock music (Spellbound? 14).
Sullivan, John A devout member of the Roman Catholic
Church who spent his whole life doing good works. He ripped
up a Chick tract, calling it hate literature,† just before he was
struck dead by a car and sent to Hell (Last Rites).
Sun A symbol of Nimrod, or Baal. In order to worship the Sun
you must give up your virginity and practice orgies (Force 11;
Spellbound? 7).
Suzi A teenager who had safe sex with that Crazy guy at the
urging of her friend, Ms. Damien. After she felt a burning down
there Suzi went back to Ms. Damien for advice, but Ms. Damien
called her dumb and stupid, sprayed Lysol at her, and told her to
get out. Suzi then went to a doctor who diagnosed Suzi with herpes, gonorrhea, and AIDS, told her that she was dying with no
cure, that The State didn’t really love her, and that in fact,
nobody really cared about her. He then easily convinced Suzi to
accept Jesus Christ as her own personal Saviour (That Crazy
Guy! I, II ).
60
T
Teachers They teach evolution† and the theory that The
Bible is not the word of Jesus Christ.† During the week they
encourage their students to try safe sex, abortion, homosexuality, and Lucifer worship; on weekends they invite the lonely
students to their slumber parties, where they force them to drink
the blood sacrifice of infants. In the future, they will teach their
students to obey the One World Government, turn in their parents to the New Age authorities, and blood sacrifice the family
pets on Halloween. Teachers also yell at children who bring
Chick tracts to school (Baby Talk; Big Daddy?; Doom Town I, II;
Earthman; Last Generation I, II; Poor Little Witch; Sabotage?
6–9).
Television The electronic church.† Our greatest companion
in our homes† and probably the greatest weapon of Satan.†
Satan’s favorite television show is “Bewitched”; he says Haw Haw
Haw while he watches it and forbids his demons to speak or
begin board meetings until the show is over; then he calls the
demons fools if they don’t realize that it has done more to
encourage the spread of witchcraft than anything else ever
Television
could. Archie Bunker from “All in the Family” has also had a
devastating effect, portraying Protestants as narrow-minded
bigots and making Protestantism a dirty word in America; for
this it has earned the praise of the Roman Catholic Church.
Other television shows depict Bible-believing Christians as
axe-wielding nuts who are worse than Frankenstein. In the
future television will be controlled by the One World
Government (Bewitched?; Holocaust; Last Generation I; Next
Step 13).
Terrible Tom A bad dude and hired killer. Tom planned to
kill a preacher until the preacher told him that King David and
the man who wrote much of The Bible were both murderers;
upon hearing this Tom accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour. Tom was hung for his crimes the next day and
went straight to Heaven (Gun Slinger).
Tommy Tommy wore an ape suit and wanted to go out swinging with some chicks until the Crusaders explained to him that
evolution was a cruel hoax. Tommy accepted Jesus Christ as
A teacher.
61
Terrible Tom
his own personal Saviour and never mentioned swinging again
(Primal Man? 14–29).
Tribulation The seven-year period when Jesus Christ will
pour out His wrath upon the planet earth by letting Satan run
the show. World War III will begin the Tribulation; afterward
famine, runaway inflation, pollution and random wars will stalk
the devastated planet. The seas will turn to blood, the drinking
water to wormwood, and sixty-five-pound hailstones will hammer the scorched earth amid swarms of stinging locusts. The
world becomes one gigantic witches’ coven: murder, drugs,
rape, sodomy and looting are everywhere. Meanwhile, back at
the Vatican, the forces of ecumenicism rejoice as they pull
every religion in the world under their control and form the
One World Church and the
One
World
Government,
headed by Satan’s masterpiece,
the Beast. The Beast will win
the loyalty of the world by stabilizing the economy—using
the Big Computer and his mark of 666—and making a statue
of himself that walks and utters blasphemies. When the Jews
refuse to worship this statue like everybody else, the Beast will
blow up his own Vatican in his madness and order death to all
the Jews. His armies will descend on Israel and kill two-thirds
of the world’s Jews before Jesus
Christ finally attacks the
armies at the Valley of
Megiddo, or Armageddon (Beast I, II; Great Escape!; Only Hope).
Trotsky A member of the Communist Party and key player in
the Russian Revolution† (Ark 25).
Tycoon, The The Tycoon
followed Buddha and donated six million dollars to an
orphanage.
When
an
American handed the Tycoon
a Chick tract, he threw the
tract out the window of his
limousine just before it
plunged from a cliff and Jesus Christ sent him to the Lake of
Fire (Tycoon).
U
U.S. Civil War Began when Abraham Lincoln decided to
make slavery illegal and incurred the wrath of the southern states
and the Roman Catholic Church (Big Betrayal 50–59).
V
Vatican The military branch of the Roman Catholic Church
that works with the FBI, the CIA, and the KGB. She brings
nations to their knees with planned economic depressions created by the Illuminati, perpetuates the idea of the World-Wide
Conspiracy, and is currently pushing nuclear disarmament and
gun control in order to pave the way for the One World
Government (Force 11; Four Horsemen 7; Holocaust).
Virgin Mary Another name for Semiramis. The halo around
her head symbolizes the orbit of the Sun. Members of the
Roman Catholic Church believe that the Virgin Mary is their
Wafer God
ticket to Heaven because she sits in front of her untouchable
and angry Baby Jesus as a long-suffering mother, one who begs
him to listen to all the pain she went through on his behalf and
claims to have suffered just as much as he did until he finally
caves in to her demands and lets her worshippers out of
Purgatory (Alberto 25; Force 31).
Volkswagen bug What the Crusaders drive (Angel of Light
2 ff.; Operation Bucharest 32; Spellbound? 1 ff.).
Volkswagen bus What followers of Satan drive (Broken
Cross 1–7; Ransom).
W
Wafer God The greatest religious con job in world history. The
Pope took a pagan ritual from Egypt, where Sun-shaped wafers
were transubstantiated into the actual flesh of Baal before being
worshiped and eaten, and made this ritual part of the Roman
Catholic Church. The priests say hocus pocus and place the
death cookie in a sunburst-shaped monstrance, where Catholics
must bow down, worship it, and eat it…or else! Jesus Christ
hates the Wafer God because it is an idol with a demon behind
it that holds Catholics in bondage; He also hates it because people who participate in this are calling Him a liar! (Are Roman
Catholics Christians? Death Cookie).
Waxman, Rabbi An ill Jew who
ignored the twenty-seven reasons why
he should accept Jesus Christ as his
own personal Saviour. Waxman died
despite being administered chicken
soup by his wife and daughter and
was brought trembling before Jesus
Christ, who politely but sternly
Waxman, Rabbi
explained that Waxman had no excuse. Jesus Christ then triumphantly read Waxman all twenty-seven reasons again before
He sent him to an eternity in you-know-where (Where’s Rabbi
Waxman?).
Weiss, Mr. A Jew who survived the Holocaust and called
Christians filthy swine because he thought they were behind the
Nazi Party. When Mr. Weiss learned that the Holocaust was
actually the Inquisition and that the Vatican was planning to
take over America, he accepted Jesus Christ as his own personal Saviour (Holocaust).
Whore of Revelation The most powerful organization on
Earth, controlled centrally by the Vatican. She began when the
Roman Empire couldn’t stop the growth of Bible-believing
Christians despite feeding them to the lions; the Empire
exchanged their togas for religious costumes, changed the name
of the Senate to the Cardinals and the Caesar to the Pope, then
tricked Christians into uniting with pagans by calling
Semiramis the Virgin Mary and Nimrod the Baby Jesus.
Today, her priests, monks, and nuns control over one billion
followers terrified of being labeled heretics; her Illuminati control the wealth of the world raised through the Inquisition, the
Mafia, and sale of Mass, Relics, and Indulgences; her Jesuits
will soon control the planet by using ecumenicism and information gathered from confession to establish the One World
Church and the One World Government. Jesus Christ hates
this religion; He calls her the Mother of Abominations and has
promised to utterly destroy her and all those with her at the battle of Armageddon (Are Roman Catholics Christians?; Death
Cookie; Force 4; Four Horsemen 7; Godfathers 7; Poor Pope?).
Whoremonger A male fornicator.† They come in all colors†
(This Was Your Life! ).
Wilson, Debbie A teenage girl whose parents divorced; after
62
that her mom died and her dad became an alcoholic, so she took
drugs, ran away from home, and began living with people who
wore peace symbols. During a fatal LSD flashback, Debbie saw
her face melt in the mirror and had just enough time to accept
Jesus Christ as her own personal Saviour before she died and
went to Heaven (Bewitched?).
Witch, Witchcraft
Women who worship
Semiramis.
They
wear the peace sign,
bless rock music tapes while nude, and drink the blood sacrifice of infants. Former witches turn to Chick Publications to
print their story (Poor Little Witch; Spellbound? 17–24).
Witness, Witnessing Trying to convince an individual,
usually a stranger, to accept Jesus Christ as their own personal
Saviour. It is important to use breath mints when witnessing.† If
you are too shy to witness in person, you should hand out Chick
tracts—they make witnessing easy† (Next Step 59–60; Who
Me?).
Wonderful, Reverend Reverend Wonderful had five college degrees and advocated unity, social justice, and fighting on
behalf of the poor and needy against ignorance and bigotry.
World War II
After he rejected a Chick tract the Reverend’s airplane crashed
and he spent eternity in the Lake of Fire (Reverend Wonderful).
World War I Started by Jesuits when the Pope grew furious
with France for double-crossing him by making a political deal
with Russia and their Orthodox Church. To punish Russia, the
Jesuits created the Communist Party and began the Russian
Revolution; to punish France, they got the Kaiser of
Germany—a good member of the Roman Catholic Church—
to attack France and begin World War I. For four years, Roman
Catholics slaughtered other Roman Catholics until thirty million men lay dead or wounded. The Pope couldn’t have cared less
about killing his own followers, as he was only after power and
revenge. Before the slaughter was over he and his Jesuits were
already busy planning World War II (Godfathers 10–11).
World War II Started by Jesuits when the Pope went wild
with anger at the Communist Party in Russia for double-crossing him by making a political deal with the Orthodox Church.
The Jesuits immediately raised an army to smash Russia by
using the Illuminati to create the Great Depression, sending their
well-financed Roman Catholic Jews into the broke, confused
countries of Italy and Germany to spend lots of money and stir
up enough anti-semitism to put Mussolini and Hitler in power,
and finally putting Franco in power with the Spanish Civil
War. Once the three fronts were in place the Axis powers
attacked Russia and also smashed into Europe, killing, wounding, and maiming millions. Before the slaughter was over the
Pope and his Jesuits had also pulled off the Holocaust
(Godfathers 16–25).
World War III Will start because Jesuits think that Russia is
stronger than the United States and have decided to back the
Communist Party again. The Jesuits made a communist from
Poland into the Pope to smooth over any hard feelings World
63
World War III
War II might have caused and Russia is now pouring its tanks
into Egypt, Syria, and Jordan as it prepares to invade Israel and
provoke the United States into this one-day thermonuclear fire
war that will annihilate one-quarter of the earth’s population and
destroy a third of the planet’s trees and animals, setting the stage
for the Tribulation (Jeopardy?; Chaos 9, 26; Poor Pope?).
World-Wide Conspiracy Smokescreens cleverly created
by the Vatican to get suspicious people going in all different
directions. Many books have been published “exposing” the
Communist Party, the Trilateral Commission, the C.F.R., the
Rockefeller empire, Zionism, the Illuminati, Opus Dei, the Club
of Rome, etc., to keep these writers and their followers blind to
the fact that the Vatican has created not only these organizations
but the organizations fighting them as well. It’s a big,
tragic game† (Godfathers
16).
X
X, Mr. A man who said Haw Haw Haw as he planned to kill a
friend of the Crusaders; he was foiled, however, when the
Crusaders uttered a prayer that caused him to slip on a bar of
soap and fall to his death (Chaos 24).
Y
Yaaaaah! Screamed immediately before death (Angel of Light
5; Ark 15; Assignment; Bad Bob!; Big Betrayal 1; Boo!; Bull; Chaos
14, 24; Contract!; Exorcists 2, 25–26, 31; First Jaws; Force 5; Gift
22–23, 30; Gomez Is Coming; Gun Slinger; Happy Halloween; Hi
There!; Last Rites; Mad Machine; Next Step 53; No Fear?; Plagues;
Primal Man? 6–7; Satan’s Master; Scar Face 29; Somebody Goofed;
Soul Story; Spellbound? 1, 14, 18; Superman?; Terminator; Thing;
Traitor; Trap; Trick; Tycoon), while witnessing Sofia on her knees
in a little red dress, accepting Jesus Christ as her own personal
Saviour (Operation Bucharest 32), or forever after taking drugs
(Hunter).
Z
Zuloo An African politician who scoffed at Jim Carter for worshipping the white man’s god. Jim
explained to Zuloo that life was
just like politics: you always try to
choose the winning side. Zuloo
thought about it and accepted
Jesus Christ as his own personal
Saviour (Scar Face 21–23).
1234567890&
666 The One World Government will stamp these digits on
your forehead and you will be required to show them for all
financial transactions. If you refuse to wear this mark you will be
executed; either the cashier at the supermarket will alert the
cops with her microphone when you try to buy food or the golf
carts will find you (Beast I, II ).
Uttered by men, women, and children who have not
accepted Jesus Christ as their own personal Saviour (Alberto
30; Angel of Life 3, 16, 20, 31–32; Angels?; Ark 32; Assignment;
Baby Talk; Back From the Dead?; Bad Bob!; Beast I, II;
Bewitched?; Big Spender; Boo!; Broken Cross 10, 30, 32; Bull; Chaos
10, 14, 18, 24; Contract!; Crisis; Demon’s Nightmare; Doom Town;
Double-Cross 15; Earthman; Execution; Exorcists 17, 19, 21–22, 26,
30; Fire Starter?; Four Brothers; Frame-up; Gift 1, 12, 19;
Godfathers; Going Home; Great Escape!; Hi There!; Holocaust;
Holy Joe (also features “----”); Hunter; Killer Storm; King of Kings
33; Last Generation I, II; Lisa; Next Step 31, 46, 49; Only Hope;
Operation Bucharest 15, 21, 32; Passover Plot; Plagues; Poor Little
Witch; Poor Revolutionist (Saturn used); Primal Man? 15, 24;
Room 310; Sabotage? 1, 3–5, 7, 10; Satan’s Master (¿ used); Scar
Face 2, 5, 6 (Saturn used); Sin Busters; Sissy?; Somebody Loves Me;
Soul Story; Spellbound? 1, 3, 27, 30; Thing; Titanic (¢ used); Trick
(¿ used); Why No Revival? I; Wounded Children), or by people
fighting over a Chick tract† (Who Me?).
the JOURNEYS of
JACK T. CHICK
For over thirty years Chick picked up his mail
at the same box—number 662— in the Chino Post
Office. Perhaps curiosity of a numerological nature
tugged at Jack as he eyed that other box just four
away from his; perhaps he lingered as long as his
conscience allowed him to leave his poodle unattended while he sifted through his hate mail and
testimonials, half-hoping for a goateed, swarthy man
wearing a hat to enter the room’s buzzing
fluorescence and extract his own pledges from his
own dark box…
Since 1999, for reasons unknown, the kook has
picked up his mail from a new P.O. Box—number
3500—in Ontario before driving to his office in
Cucamonga.
The arch baldy arrives at 8780
Archibald, a simple one-story
strip building with a Los Angeles
lawn: concrete and cars run right
up to the front door. Watch out
for gunmen.
5 miles
THE IMP SAYS THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO HEAVEN!
Daniel said, “My readers have got to submit to me.” Barstool 1:12 a.m.
NOBODY ELSE CAN SAVE ME.
SUBMIT TO THE IMP TODAY!
1. Admit that most comics suck.
2. Be willing to turn from comics that
suck (repent).
3. Believe that you have something
worthwhile to say about Comix.
4. Write it down and send it to me.
WHAT TO WRITE
Dear God, I am sorry that so many
practitioners of this most accessible
and exciting art form are still largely
unrecognized by the American public.
In a futile attempt to rectify this situation I have shed my precious blood to
produce a lengthy, rounded, passionate
consideration of one artist or topic in
the field of Comix, ideally of ten thousand or so words in length—that’s forty
typed, double-spaced pages—for the
amusement of an insignificant and probably perverted audience.
I realize that the Creator of these comix
also shed His or Her precious blood to
produce them for this insignificant and
probably perverted audience, and I have
therefore respected His or Her dedication
to this craft even in the midst of any
quibbles or gigantic disagreement I may
have with Him or Her.
For I so love Comix, that I have given
my time, my heart, and my soul so that
whosoever readeth my story should not
be bored, and these artists shall not
perish but have everlasting life. I now
invite Comix to come into my heart
and life and become the editor’s own
personal Saviour.
If your answer was yes, then this is
just the beginning of a wonderful
new life with even less free time
and little or no payment. Now:
1. Read your Comix every day to get to know
their Creator better.
2. Talk to others about Comix every day.
3. Submit with fellowship with other Comix fans
in this forum where Comix are preached and
where nobody is the final authority.
4. Tell others about Comix.
Here’s the next step! Read the first
issue of The Imp, available at
unChristian bookstores or direct
from Imp Publications.
Copies of the first issue are overpriced at $3 each, postage paid.
UnAmericans must pay $5.
Will you submit to The Imp and be my
own personal Saviour? Yes
No
Send concealed cash or money
orders payable to Dan Raeburn
at the address on back cover.
Date ________________
Bulk discounts available.
❑
❑
IMP
3.8
Compliments of:
PUBLICATIONS
Chaplain Dan Raeburn
1454 W. Summerdale 2C
Chicago, IL 60640 USA
Send five dollars cash ($6 overseas)
for another copy of this tract.
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Rev 13:17
069
Entrust all donations, blasphemies, and hosannas to the
saintly hands of Chicago postal workers at address above.