the worst of times

The best
of
times,
the worst of times
Volume 146,500, Number PR 4671 .A1gr 1966 Cheating widows out of their life savings since 1873... B.C.!
Thor’s Day, Febtober 38, 1123
Naught Howard Dean
Features Front
Charles Dickens gives a guy
relationship advice, people
try to decide which lawyer
they’d rather have sex with,
and every single story in the
whole damn paper has some
kind of crude innuendo.
Good God, we’re perverts.
See every story if you
don’t believe me.
Highway robbery
In 15 years, the tuition at UR
has doubled. That’s 390 percent greater than changes in
inflation. Find out why.
See story, Page 9.
Cyrus is hot
Come on ladies, you know
you want him. Kim, Jamie,
Yuting and Katye all agree
— Cyrus is just too hot for
this campus. Especially
Katye. She can’t keep her
hands off him.
See Cyrus, right now.
EnTICE your world
Feeling bored? Missing out
on that spark in your life?
Spending sleepless nights
alone? Then, GET A LIFE!
See story, Page B.
Cheerleaders! Now!
People always complain
about apathy, do they? Get
us some hot cheerleaders for
once, and we’ll talk!
Nothing to see here.
Sex
...sells! That’s exactly why
you’re reading this. It also
probably explains why you’ll
watch ‘Texas Dildo Masquerade.’
See the fattest rock
star ever, Page 666.
to replace
Jackson
• Wacko to step in for Jacko
By charles dickens
Paid by the Word
When President Thomas
“The Invisible Man” Jackson
steps down from his post as
president of the college at the
end of next year, he will be
replaced by former Vermont
governor and presidential
candidate Howard Dean.
“[I] am sure that [Dean]
will do a great [job] as president of this [august academic
institution],” Jackson said in
a prepared statement.
“I believe — from what
I understand of the man
— that he is a reflection of
the values of this instituion,”
Associate Dean of Students
in charge of “discipline”
Matt Burns said. “But I think
Mistress — I mean, Dean
Asbury or Dean Green may
have more to say.”
However, Dean of The
College William Green
said, “HOW DARE HE!?!?
THERE CAN BE ONLY
ONE!!” Green had many
more comments, but unfortunately most of them were
unprintable.
In his introduction to
the UR community, Dean
was thrilled about actually
getting to be president of
something. “Not only are
we going to Wallis 240, we’re
going to Rush Rhees and
Lattimore,” Dean enthused
in his speech to supporters.
“We’re going to Sue B. and
the Laser Lab. And we’re
going to the Fraternity Quad
and Morey and Towers and
Phase, and then we’re going to Wilson Commons, to
take back the University of
Rochester! Yeeeeeeah!”
Students were generally supportive of their next
president. “I think he’ll
be great,” freshman John
Bishop said. “No one will
be whining about apathy
any more!”
In a related incident,
Chairman of the College
Republicans and sophomore
Noah Lebowitz tragically
committed suicide by guillotine. “This is truly the
worst of times,” he said in
a suicide note found in his
room. “I thought conservative voices and viewpoints
were being squelched and
and trampled on before, but
I had no idea a disaster like
this was possible.”
See DEAN, Page 3
bill murray • Peaked in Ghostbusters
they make such a cute couple
President Jackson meets with his fiancé, Senator Hillary Clinton. An unnamed source close to the senator said that when she runs for president in
2008, she is considering Jackson as a vice-presidential candidate.
Uncle Dickie’s takes over UR students too
motivated
By allan quatermain
Intrepid Adventurer
Shocked UR students
awoke this morning to
radical changes in UR’s meal
plans, following a hostile
takeover staged by Uncle
Dickie late last night.
“It was a slow night by the
flagpole,” Dickie recounted,
holding the pilfered ARAMARK scepter aloft, “so I
decided that it was time for
me to take my place atop the
UR dining throne.” Complementing his relentless ambition and cutthroat approach
to catering, Dickie’s assault
was bolstered by nearly two
years of planning.
“I’ve spent a considerable
amount of time and money
— often times even bartering
cheeseburgers for titanium
panels at Lowe’s — while
fortifying my truck for the
attack.” Indeed, every inch
of the armor was put to the
test when the truck barreled through the first floor
of the Frederick Douglass
building and, with the aide
of deep-fryer-powered boosters, propelled itself into the
Meliora and ARAMARK’s
offices within. Once inside, Dickie found live-in
ARAMARK director B-Rad
Blingblingaman shredding
student satisfaction surveys
and quickly subdued him,
proclaiming UR Dining as
his own.
Blingaman was reached
for comment at his post near
the fry station in the Mt.
Hope McDonalds.
“It comes as a slap to the
face, more than anything.
We’d turned a blind eye to
Richard’s late-night dealings
and had even curbed plans
for our own after-hours
“Aunt ARAMARKie’s Appetizers” cart out in Phase,
and this is how he repays us?
By driving his truck through
our walls and bludgeoning
us with our own mozzarella
sticks? Yeah, you could say
that hurts,” he said.
Harboring a longstanding
contempt for ARAMARK,
Dickie quickly announced
See DICK, Page 3
E=MC^2 • Truth is Relative
Something brief and to the point about the picture or the
story itself. Who cares, and what’s the point of this?
by Mao tse-tung
“The Chairman”
A new study released on
March 28 by the Foundation for Untrue Collegiate
Studies, or FUCS, found
that UR students lead the
nation in community service
and enthusiasm for the fifth
year in a row.
“The first year shocked us,
but ever since then, there
really hasn’t been any competition. UR simply is the
most caring college in the
US,” Simon de Civeus said.
De Civeus is a member of
Fortever Aggressive Testing
or FAT, the highest echelon
of FUCS members.
Students at UR average 20
hours of community service
per week, the report said.
At least 25 percent spent
more time working in the
community than studying
or sitting in class.
“UR, like other tier one
schools, does attract the best
and brightest. But unlike
other tier one schools, they
also seem to attract the most
socially and politically active
as well,” de Ciseus said.
No one on campus was
surprised by the study.
“Well of course we would
win it [receiving the top position],” junior Ima Lyre II
said. “Every college has their
thing. Harvard students
spend their time yelling at
the Yalies. MIT students
spend their time building
robotic dates. Here, we like to
give back to the community
because we recognize how
important it is to give back
in our privileged state.”
However, not everyone in
the community enjoys UR’s
status at the top.
“When I got into this business, my ‘dogs would sell like
wildfire. Drunk kids would
fork over 10, 20 dollars…
whatever was in their wallets
just to get ‘em. And now?
I’m just a lonely bus driver.
Community service ruined
me,” Uncle Dicky said. Dicky
is the former owner of a fast
food cart, which had been
See MOTIVATE, Page 3
Page Shtyem
BOT
WOT
14 Treacle Mine Road
The Alley Behind Oxford
Ankh-Morpork
Working 14 Hours a Day
in a Clothing Factory
www.bestoftimesworstoftimes.org
FAGIN
That Conniving Bastard
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ebenezer powell
Scrooged
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michael cratchit
Ebenezer’s Bitch
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KENNY STEERFORTH
Presentation Editor
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cyrus darnay
Dead Meat
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SANDEEP CARTON
That Lucky Bastard
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GREG Copperfield
Claudia has low standards
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LITTLE JACKIE
Jenna’s Niece
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COLIN SIKES
Career Criminal
•
KIM HAVERSHAM
Heartless and Bitter
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OLIVER TICE
Wants Some More
•
DICK TIPTONFIELD
The Sex
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PIP JANOWITZ
Comics Editor
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BRIAN BATES
Master of Ceremonies
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YUTING MANETTE
Peeping Tom
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TINY andY
God Bless the Little Guy
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JENNA PEGGOTTY
Copy Editor
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NANCY STOLL
Former Pickpocket
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Jamie wickfield
Copy Editor
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Ben marley
Ebenezer’s Gay Lover
•
tony nickleby
Staff Illustrator
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Matthew chuzzlewit
Online Editor
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Linda LAFARGE
Don’t Let Her Knit
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ALLEN O’FLANEGHERTY
GERTY GERTON
BRIAN DROOD
JILLIAN ANDERSON
ESTELLA MILLER
DAN MUHLENSHIRE
THOMAS BUMBLE
KAREN MAYLIE
The dregs of life
Corrections:
It is the policy of the Best of
Times, Worst of Times to correct all
erroneous information... You know
what? NO! We’re right, everyone
who disagrees with us is wrong!
We don’t misquote people, they
lie. They just don’t like it because
we’re telling the truth, the truth,
and it makes them look bad! We
aren’t sloppy, we just leave out the
unimportant stuff. You hear that?
UNIMPORTANT!
Also, don’t call us, we’ll call
you.
BEST OF
w wTIMES,
w . g p f - cWORST
o m i c s . c o mOF TIMES
Right Thurrr-sday, April 1, 2004
“If you have a big butt and a small chest, try rubbing toilet paper between your
breasts — it’s already done wonders for your ass.” See story on Page 1.
Information provided by www.snopes.com.
Weather
Right Thurrr-sday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
There shall be light
and some darkness.
High 32, low 17.
Winds of upto 300 mph
to blow Rochester away today.
High 39, low 27.
So hot, humid and sunny that
women will walk around naked
all day, so prophesied Nelly.
Six feet of snow. If above freezing, heavy rain of ARAMARiZZLE food.
ALL-NIGHTER COURIER
Corner Store
reduced to
one-lane shop
In a confidential statement, ARAMARK
announced that the ever-shrinking Corner Store
will be reduced to a one-lane store.
“Due to a shitload of intense competition
with other on-campus dining services providers,
we were forced to cut [costs],” Dictator of
ARAMARK B-Rad Blingblingaman said.
“Hence, we had to kick out the condiments/
vegetables lane. Besides, no one buys that crap
anyways.”
This latest decline in total square-centimeters
will make the once-small store to a teeny tiny
itsy bitsy shop. However, Blingblingaman did
not see this as a bad thing.
“I think it’ll radically change the what’s
that word again? Oh yeah, [ambience]. The
[ambience] that the Corner Store offers to its
loyal customers for the better,” Blingblingaman
said.
“You would think people like bigger shopping
areas but trust me they don’t. Seriously, in
the 150 plus years we have served millions
at UR, we have never suffered a loss. [So it
stands to reason that less is more],” a sedated
Blingblingaman said.
Some UR students did not seem to notice what
the change was. “Umm, what’s new?” baffled
freshman John Lee asked. Others thought it
was great for particular reasons.
“Dude, that’s freaking [AWE]some. I can’t
wait for it be converted to ‘Exclusive Dormitory.’
That’ll be my first choice on the housing forms,”
stoned “to-the-max” and sophomore Luda
Krishna mumbled.
Blingblingaman also mentioned changes being
made to ARAMARK’s image. “We’re starting by
changing our name to ‘ARAMARiZZLE’. We’ve
also signed a deal with Snoop Dogg to advertise
our shop,” Blingblingaman explained.
Some people think that is why there is a 12-foot
“Reclining Snoop” cardboard cut-out to replace
the condiments/vegetables lane.
LewDiddy
Pow
Lew-Diddy
Pow infringes
on
many
copyrights,
including
Romeo Must
Die and the
Matrix.
Yu • Me
While it remains to be seen whether this will
actually aid ARAMARiZZLE, Convost for the
University Currley Pulps had a word of advice.
“Meliorizzle fo’ shizzle!”
CSA refuses to recognize
Taiwanese-American Students’
Association
In a stunning turn of events, the Chinese
Students’ Association has refused to give recognition to the Taiwanese American Students’
Association.
“CASA represents all people of Chinese
descent and does not see a difference between
CASA and TASA,” Premier of CASA Jet Li
said.
TASA memebers were flabbergastted.
“Duh,” Jon Wong said in response, “Isn’t it
completely obvious? We come from two distinctively different land masses.”
However, CASA remains firm on the issue.
“This rogue club will not be given our approval. We expect memebers of TASA to be
placated relatively soon. We already have formal
plans to deal with this rising issue,” Secetary
of Strategy Ghengis Khan said.
The Student Association is set to decide this
matter in the coming week. CSA has threatened
war if the SA meddles in their biz.
Reporting by
Cyrus John Bishop Lobos Zaiming Heaton
Madhur Besson Cole-Levesque.
Right Thurr
Sponge Bob convicted of panty-raiding SDT
BY Richey Rich
Campus Times Staff
Sponge Bob Square Pants was
convicted of a dozen criminal
counts of larceny Thursday after
being videotaped taking undergarments from three bedrooms in the
Sigma Delta Tau suite.
Caught red-handed, Sponge Bob
pleaded insanity in front of a state
magistrate.
“Squidworth mesmerized me
and made me believe I was a
horny kleptomaniac,” Sponge Bob
claimed.
While the members of the SDT
sorority are happy that the culprit
has been discovered and brought to
justice, members still would like to
know who installed the cameras in
their rooms in the first place.
Cocky student pimpslapped by prof
Junior Computer Science student Reginald Gruden was pimpslapped by Professor of Computer
Science Thaddeus “Ted” Pawlicki
during last week’s CSC 172 class.
The student was apparently
questioning Pawlicki’s knowledge
of vectors when Pawlicki asked
the student to step to the front of
the room. Thinking that he would
be asked to lead the class, Gruden
eagerly complied. However, when
he made it to the front of the room,
Pawlicki delivered an open-palm
slap to the cheek followed by a vicious backhand.
When contacted, Pawlicki deadpanned, “He was crampin’ my
style, G.”
The Best of Times, Worst of Times proudly announces that the Economics Undergraduate Council
has sponsored every event you ever want to go to. So there.
Carson Kressley
arrested at Hopeman
Security arrested Queer Eye for
the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley for trying to force a makeover
on the School of Engineering and
Applied Science staff in Hopeman
Hall.
As UR Security escorted him
from the building, Kressley cried,
“Come on! They need it! It is a
common fact that engineers are the
bane of the world of style!”
Kressley, who is the fashion expert on Bravo’s hit television show,
was wearing a red tiara under a
tan burberry suit jacket, black lace
Prada dress shoes and a cowboy hat
he picked up in Texas.
Apparently, the SEAS staff
called Security on Kressley when
he tried to convince SEAS Dean
Kevin Parker to don a pair of blue
Aeropostale boy shorts with a cute
monkey on the rear.
‘Bitch’ urinates on
Wilson Commons steps
A student identified by a drunken
raver Friday night as “Bitch” was
found urinating on the steps of
Wilson Commons after not being
able to “make it to the [bathroom]”
following a night of bar-hopping
and engaging in an activity known
as “swinging.”
“I mean, it was like when you’re
dreaming and you use the restroom
but you know when you wake up
that you will still have to go, but
then you wake up and you realize
that you went while you were going
in your sleep- if that hasn’t happened to you, it hasn’t happened to
me either,” Bitch explained.
It is unknown whether Bitch will
face action in front of ACJC.
Friday Feb. 13, 2002
Dick: We need more...fries
Continued from Page 1
that all ARAMARK menus would
be scrapped in favor of his own
timeless variety.
When questioned about a lack
of menu items that would accommodate healthy eaters and vegetarians, the hard-nosed Dickie tersely
responded, “Tell those hippies to
get back to the small liberal arts
college at which they belong.”
Similarly, Dickie has been working with his accountant nephew,
Reginald, on a revamped meal plan.
“What we’re going for is a sort of
waterfall effect with regard to our
own ‘club meals,’ meaning that
the value changes on a seven-anda-half day rotation, which covers
approximately twenty-two and a
half meals. For example, starting
on Monday, the club meal includes
a sandwich, a drink and a spoonful of relish,” Nephew Reginald
explained, “though this price plan
won’t return again until the following Wednesday at dinner time.
Instead, Tuesday — the original
Tuesday, not the Tuesday preceding the Wednesday upon which the
plan returns — will feature a club
meal comprised of a napkin. But
a soft, white napkin, not one of
those rough brown ones on a roll.
Wednesday — unlike the following
Wednesday, at which point the plan
returns to the plan of two Mondays
prior, but only at dinner time — the
club meal has a value of fourteen
Swiss francs. On Thursday . . .”
Reginald was then abruptly cut
off by Dickie, who corrected him.
“Everything can also be purchased
for two bucks,” Dickie said.
Thus far, students’ reactions to
the coup have been mixed. “I don’t
know that I’ve ever had Uncle
Dickie’s while sober, so I can’t
really remember how it tastes,”
Speaker of the SA Senate Alex
“Voetsch” Voetsch commented
— a sentiment shared by many
other students, administrators
and security officers present. Secretly-enrolled Eastman student
Shakira cited a different concern.
“There is a disappointing lack of
ethnic food,” the Brazilian diva
mentioned during late-evening pillow talk, while Campus Pick-Pocket
Oliver Twist reported trouble coping with decreased portions. He
pleaded, “Please, sir, can I have
some more?”
Quatermain can be reached at
[email protected].
Continued from Page 3.14159
great writers of my fair island,
and even as told in the noble
“Logos” and “Messenger” which
carry the bardic traditions today
in your Rochesterarian lands,
indeed of the Continent as well
— one to whom you have bound
yourself in a way which cannot
ever be equaled; yet you fear that
she has equaled it, and the manner which she has gone about it
seems to you to be at once the
most deceitful, and yet possibly
the most artistic, the most awful and yet most elegant; yet the
superlative nature which you feel
that you need to add — which
you cannot but add — makes
this a matter which can only be
handled as all things are in this
period, indeed in the manner
favored by all men, to whom the
Enlightment has touched; it is
the way that a king and a peasant, Scots lord and Prussian
noble and serf among the Slavic
lands, the way that a Rousseau and a Bourbon, a Jacobin,
a freemason and a pope would
all enact, varying only by the
degree from which they might
lose a sense of command over
that Enlightenment which they
had claimed as their own, and
of course, the nature of their
beloved: even you, with your
“hot chick you met at the Sig Ep
party last year” has the right to
know, that imperative, universal
right to know whether she has
taken your love, the stuff of epics, and turned it into the worst
of tragedies, the worst of times;
it is reasonable to suppose that
you would ask and confirm this
misstep, or, hopefully, to disprove
this assumption and to return to
your loving arms, and there is a
particular way of doing this, one
which to your charcter, as to all,
will be particularly apt: it is but
that you should directly ask her
the next time you see her.
Dickens: Tolstoy sucks
CAMPUS TIMES
Page trois
w w w . andrewsu llivan.com
carl bernstein • Some Conspiracy Theorist No One Will Believe
Governor Howard Dean, future president of UR, visits the campus. Drama House, Alpha Delta Phi and
Grassroots have wholeheartedly endorsed him as the best man for the job.
Dean: Ben&Jerry to replace Provost Skippy
Continued from Page 1
Students for Social Justice also
However, the UR Pride Network supported Dean. “He’s really, really
had more positive things to say. neat,” sophomore David “Killjoy”
“Finally, we’ll be able to complete Ladon of SSJ said. “If this whole
our plan of world domination,”a city was as green as Vermont indrunken board member said.
stead of a corporate wasteland like
No sober representatives of the it is, the world would be a much
group could be
groovier place.”
reached for comEven though
ment due to a
‘Instead of
Provost Charles
party celebrating
“Meliora” Orwell
a corporate
the announcewas happy with
wasteland like
ment. But one
Jackson’s time as
member of the
president, espeit
is,
the
world
group expressed
cially his skillful
his support at the would be a much
and dignified hanparty.
groovier place.’ dling of the tragic
“Dean is great.
— ‘Killjoy’ Ladon noodle incident,
He is so great. I
he thought Dean
sophomore to the max
mean, he is just
would bring new
great. He is so hot
and innovative
— I mean he’s the
ideas to the colsex!” junior Richard Tipton said. lege. “Meliora,” he said. “There’s
Tipton is Publicity Chair of the nothing this meliora needs more
Pride Network.
than Ben & Meliora ice cream.
carl bernstein • Some Conspiracy Theorist No One Will Believe
17 die in fire drill
Shocked and saddened by the tragic loss, freshman Jonathan “Joan” Rodman holds freshman Hermione “Chachi” Heathcliffe during a 5-alarm fire
drill. 17 of their friends and neighbors are missing or confirmed dead.
“A presidential meliora who distinguished himself for melioraing
unprecedented youthful meliora
will be perfect at this meliora,”
Orwell said.
Initially, ARAMARK employee
Jermaine Jackson had been considered for the post. “We really
wanted to have one Jackson replace another,” Vice President and
General Secretary of the College
Paul “Skippy” Burgett said. “But
unfortunately, Jackson declined.
He’s just too dedicated to that
register station.”
Jackson admitted that turning
down the office of president was
a hard choice, but he stood by his
decision. “It is a far, far better
thing that I do, than I have ever
done,” he said.
Additionizzle reportizzle by
the anonymous basso.
Dickens can be reached at
rolling_over@in_his_grave.org.
Motivate: No one sees this
Continued from Page 1
sustainable industry,” said Deputy
permanently positioned on the Mayor Mayk Schidup.
Fraternity Quad.
No one has pinpointed the cause
Many in the community have a for the rise of enthusiasm at UR.
similar story. The high numbers of
“[Rumor] has it that [someone
caring students has almost closed named ‘Whoop Ass’] had something
bars and ABC packaging stores.
to with [all of this]. But [I] have
“You know, I liked the old UR never [heard] of such a [person],”
so much better. I didn’t feel so President Thomas “Dubya” Jackbad about selling to 18 or 19 year son said.
olds. But these days, the only kids
Convost of the College Charles
who want alco“Meliora” Orwell
hol are 11 or 12
loves high levels
‘I THINK IT’S
year olds. I feel
of involvement.
kinda bad selling
“As long as the
TIME WE
to them seeing as
brats aren’t
DEMONSTRATED little
how they can’t
sitting in their
even see over the
THE TRUE POWER rooms harmlesscounter,” said 7ly downloading
OF APATHY!!!!’
11 owner Apu Namusic files, I’m
— William Green happy,” he said.
hasapeemapetiGrand Moff of the College
lon. “Thank you,
Despite these
come again.”
trends, GodThis has been
Emperor of the
an alarming trend for the city of College William Green remains
Rochester. UR students are slowly confident that student involvement
turning Rochester into a dry city.
will not stop him from retaining
“This is bad, really bad. And control of the Senate. “I THINK
I don’t just say that because the IT’S TIME WE DEMONSTRATED
Alcohol industry is paying me off. THE TRUE POWER OF APANo, people need to be able to drink. THY!!!!” he said.
But without the steady flow of
Tse-Tung can be reached at
college students, there just isn’t a
[email protected].
The Best Of Times,The Worst Of Times
Page xvii
The best of times,
My Birthday
w w w .thebestoftimestheworstoftimes. o r g
the worst of times
Exploiting the University of Rochester community since forever.
SIKES’ GANG
MR. BUMBLE • FAGIN • JOHN BARSAD
SYDNEY CARTON • ROSE MAYLIE
The orphan master and his little pretties make themselves available to the UR
community’s ideas and concerns. Appointments can never be arranged because we
don’t like you. So there.
Vote for LaRouche
T
he Best of Times, the Worst of Times proudly and
wholeheartedly endoreses Lyndon LaRouche for the
Democratic nomination for President. With sound antiSatanist stance, LaRouche clearly presents himself as Senator
John Kerry’s only serious competitor.
The Best of Times, the Worst of Times has joined the literally
tens of dozens of members of the LaRouche Youth Movement
—ADVERTISEMENT: For Sale! “Madonna Blond Ambition
World Tour 1990” playbill, carboard mounted, $89. Call 2755942. — which is why LaRouche will be able to defeat President George Bush.
LaRouche, with his direct emotional connection with people
of all backgrounds and emormous discipline, has become —
ADVERTISEMENT: EXPOSE YOURSELF! With one simple
phone call, you can reach to to 15 million young, active readers. E-mail [email protected] — highlighting the notion
that the Grateful Dead was generated as a British intelligence
operation by the Occult Bureau of Huxley and Bateson out of
the Palo Alto Veterans’ Hospital where they were doing LSD
and related experiments.
While LaRouche opposes faith-based electronic voting and
an all-volunteer military, a sense of balance comes through
when he is talking. For example, when he dubbed Vice President Dick Cheney one of the “Children of Satan,” he didn’t
criticize that fact that he is bald. ADVERTISEMENT: I feel
like a caged bulb in the basement during winter. DWSFSQA,
53, petite, does bodyrubs. My location or yours. — While it is
true that LaRouche is the only presidential candidate to be
convicted in a federal criminal case, the measure of a man’s
virtue is often the numerousness and savagery of his enemies,
whom he refers to as “them.” The fraudulent character of the
claims against the great man is the most powerful proof of his
exceptional qualifications for president.
Besides, he’s the best we’ve got.
DECLARATION
It is a far, far better thing...
T
he history of all hitherto
existing society is the
history of class struggles.
Freeman and slave, patrician
and plebian, lord and serf, guildmaster and journeyman, in a
word, oppressor and oppressed,
stood in constant opposition to
one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now
open fight, a fight that each time
ended, either in a revolutionary reconstitution of society at
large, or in the common ruin of
the contending classes.
In the earlier epochs of history, we find almost everywhere
a complicated arrangement of
society into various orders, a
manifold gradation of social
rank. In ancient Rome we have
patricians, knights, plebians,
slaves — in almost all of these
classes, again, subordinate gradations.
The modern bourgeois society
that has sprouted from the ruins
of feudal society has not done
away with class antagonisms.
It has but established new
classes, new conditions of oppression, new forms of struggle
in place of the old ones.
Rob
Clemm
•
Marxist
Revolutionary
Our epoch, the epoch of the
bourgeoisie, possesses, however,
this distinct feature — it has
simplified class antagonisms.
Society as a whole is more and
more splitting up into two great
hostile camps, into two great
classes directly facing each other
— bourgeoisie and proletariat.
The bourgeoisie, wherever it
has got the upper hand, has put
an end to all feudal, patriarchal,
idyllic relations.
It has pitilessly torn asunder
the motley feudal ties that bound
man to his “natural superiors,”
and has left no other nexus
between people than naked selfinterest, than callous “cash payment.”
It has drowned out the most
heavenly ecstacies of religious
fervor, of chivalrous enthusiasm,
of philistine sentimentalism, in
the icy water of egotistical calcu-
lation. It has resolved personal
worth into exchange value, and
in place of the numberless indefeasible chartered freedoms, has
set up that single, unconscionable freedom — free trade.
In one word, for exploitation,
veiled by religious and political illusions, it has substituted
naked, shameless, direct, brutal
exploitation.
The bourgeoisie has stripped
of its halo every occupation hitherto honored and looked up to
with reverent awe. It has converted the physician, the lawyer,
the priest, the poet, the man of
science, into its paid wage laborers.
The bourgeoisie has torn away
from the family its sentimental
veil, and has reduced the family
relation into a mere money relation.
Let the ruling classes tremble
at a communist revolution. The
proletarians have nothing to lose
but their chains. They have a
world to win.
Proletarians of all countries,
unite!
Clemm can be reached at
[email protected].
[Topic] is good
We, the Editorial Board of the Best Of Times, The Worst Of
Times, feel that [insert topic here] is [insert superlative here]
and could yield a great many benefits for the UR community.
Indeed, minds, like bodies, will often fall into a pimpled, illconditioned state from mere excess of comfort.
The UR community has long been in need of this [insert
change here]. It is a promising sign that the beginnings of a
new initiative to address student concerns are being implemented.
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen
six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual
expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.
We feel that any such program should take into account [insert drawback here].
Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, all very good
words for the lips — especially prunes and prism.
This [insert topic here] has the potential to change the entire UR community for the better.
Ultimately, train up a fig tree in the way it should go, and
when you are old sit under the shade of it.
question
Next week’s
Do you like me?
Yes, No, Maybe
(Circle One)
vote on paper, fool
The Best of Times, The Worst of Times Now on Parchment!
Full responsibility for the material that appears in this publication rests with the editor-in-chief, unless you are offended,
in which case we shall deliver a small orphan boy to work as a member of your workhouse. Opinions expressed in
columns, letters or comics are not necessarily anyone’s views, as, clearly, they are solely the opinions of the Ghosts of
Christmas Past, Present, and Future. All of the content of both this issue is strictly intended to be satirical and humorous
and not intended to offend anyone. We apologize to anyone that is offended by this issue, especially Charles Dickens.
We will never apologize to the Wingnut until they can, at the very least, have some shred of redeeming value. Editorials
appearing in the Best of Times, The Worst Of Times are published with no one’s consent, and we didn’t even know we
wrote it. Sikes’ Gang is spelled with two double g’s, as in Ggangg because we can. The Best Of Times, The Worst Of
Times will never be published again. Ever. The first copy is free — each additional copy costs two pence. This material
will never be posted on the Web, but it’s still our material so don’t steal us. Please don’t sue us, either. All materials
herein are copyright © 2004 by the Best Of Times, The Worst Of Times.
TONY SoPRANO • Waste Management Consultant
Musings of a pirate
A
Digital piracy slurs piracy
rg! Ahoy, me mateys!
This be the Captain. And
today, the Captain be
taking time out of his busy day
of whorin’, lootin’ and drinkin’
me Original Spiced Rum — that
be copyrighted rum, ye waggers
— to write to ye scallywags. Why,
ye ask?
Just think of the reputation
hundreds of years of piracy have
built. Pirates have been responsible for many good things, like
Johnny Depp in makeup and introducing the word “booty” into
common speech, not to mention
rape, pillage and terror across
the seven seas! YAARGH!
Before me days as a fictional
mascot for a rum company, the
Captain was well-regarded as a
good pirate sailor. All the wenches from Tortuga to Isle Royale
knew the Captain’s name, they
did, and the Captain had a good
crew of ruffians and scurvy dogs
who’d just as soon wipe a barnacle off the rudder as eat it!
All of that is changed now,
because some 13-year-old girl
wants to listen to “Hit Me Baby
Captain
Morgan
•
Salty
Dog
One More Time” or some worthless land lubber wants to download the new Jay-Z album for
free.
Now the good name of piracy is
being corrupted by a new generation of pirates who scour the seas
of the internet with nary a shot
fired or a man cutlassed. What
kind of booty can you get from
Destiny’s Child?
The Captain knows ye youngsters are a lively bunch. If I had
me way, ye’d be scrubbing the
poop deck, well nigh on the high
seas!
Back in the Captain’s day, the
real music was in the sea — the
whistle of the wind, the roar of
the waves, the grunts of a large
group of sweaty men heaving in
unison!
Back in the Captain’s day, an
“mp3 player” was a drunk parrot
named One-Eyed Rusty.
The “Internet” was the untamed, jeweled waters of the
Caribbean, swimming with
sharks and the dark secrets of
the depths. And “downloading”
was a nautical term that didn’t
result in bopping to teeny music
as much as taking on hundreds
of pounds of ballast in the middle
of the Atlantic, stranded between
the Royal Navy and a tropical
storm. Yar, that night did we
send quite a few men flying the
Union Jack to Davy Jones’ locker! Har, har!
Digital piracy be angering the
Captain. So me goin’ to take a
nice sip of me smooth Private
Stock. Yar. Goes down nicely,
blendin’ hints of secret island
spices with a smooth velvet texture. Or mebbe Captain’ll have
a bit of his special Parrot Bay
Rum, a premium blend of fresh,
rich, creamy, coconut flavor with
light, crisp Puerto Rican rum.
Mm. Yargh. Ready to be boarded?
Captain Morgan can be
reached at [email protected].
I AM THE SEX
Page p
‘Twas the night before Christmas
http://161.58.244.186/bosley_lp/bosley_aol.php?camp
SA Profile:
By Little Ja’ie
It’s Always the Worst of Times
While the winter season proved to
be successful for things such as men’s
swimming and sleeping, one sport stood
out amongst the rest — the Extreme
Traying Club.
The Extreme Traying Club, affectionately known as XTC, was founded in
1927 when the university moved to the
River Campus. President Rush Rhees was
known to endulge in late night traying
and was also the club’s first adviser.
Early XTC’ers found the rolling hills
surrounding the Eastman Quadrangle
conducive to practice, but soon felt the
need to go on to bigger and better things.
The group took their wooden trays and
walked 10 miles uphill in the snow — it
was back in the day — to what is now
known as “that hill behind Danforth”
Mountain.
Wooden trays were replaced by faster
plastic models in the 1940s. These circular trays had subdividers, increasing
the difficulty of balancing one’s ass on
the tray to its toughest in history — yes,
even harder than it is today.
It was also around this time that ARAMARK started to press charges against
various club members for “borrowing”
trays. In 1955, with the addition of Susan
B. Anthony Residence Halls, the XTC was
forced to go underground.
Today, members are only seen on
campus on cold Rochester nights. “Holding secret practices on “that hill behind
Danforth” Mountain is essential to our
Mind and
Spirit
XTC
training regimen,”
senior president
David Copperfield
said.
These practices
prepare the 24 team
members for their
high-intensity competitions against
other top-tier institutions with longstanding traying
traditions — Harvard, Princeton,
Cornell, Michigan,
Willamette, and
SUNY Geneseo. At
last year’s “Snow
Dive” collegiate
Courtesy of the Swarthmore College Daily Gazette
competition, UR
placed second be- Freshman Hobo Jim practices at Silver Mountain in Ohio.
hind veteran champs, the State University them don’t even take bribes anymore.”
Money, on the other hand, has not
of Northern Alaska at Bristol Bay-Inuit
been a problem for XTC, as they are
College for History — SUNABICH.
“That loss hit us hard,” Dean and XTC recognized by the Students’ Association.
coach Paul Burgett said while giving me “The Students’ Association Appropriaa hug. “I buy everyone pizza after every tions Committee has been stingy, but we
manage to scrape by,” business manager
competition.”
Security has tried to shut down the XTC and senior Pip said.
SAAC declined to comment on their
by patrolling 90 percent of units in the general “that hill behind Danforth” Mountain, $30,000 allocation to the club, described
while the remaining 10 percent are told to as going towards the use of “stuff.”
The XTC meets on Saturday nights,
stop in every Fraternity house at least five
times an hour and stop any kind of fun that usually pre-gaming in ztowers before
hitting the slopes. The XTC takes no
may be occurring there.
“Security has always been a problem, but responsibility for any possible injuries.
Ja’ie can be reached at
recently they just suck,” XTC publicity chair
[email protected].
and junior the Artful Dodger said. “Most of
When your expectations just aren’t so great
Dear Sex and the CD:
I think my girlfriend might be
cheating on me! My friends have
seen her frequenting the frat
houses, but I don’t want to believe
them! What should I do?
-Hard Times in Hoeing
Dear Hard Times,
There are many ways in which one
might approach this matter, and it
would seem, at this particular time,
that there are many options of which
one might take, or indeed in which one
might find themselves placed, not the
least being the one where you seem
to be; trying to establish the truth of
your significant other’s nightly wanderings, which may indeed be innocent,
although you cannot find whether or
not the innocence that you had long
eas — the well-to-do of London who
thought to be hers can still be trusted
— even though, among other things which themselves cannot understand those
feminine mysteries — and find themI need not bring to your attention, such as
selves in the same
traps wherein you can find
task which you, dear
the women whose name you
writer, are struggling
have not mentioned, and to
with; it is a noble task
whom I shall not assign any
answers from Charles Dickens
and one which you
fictitious name, but whose
to all your love and relationship
must face, as your life
common patterns follow
problems — in just one
may come to pivot on
those that have accompasentence.
this chance outcome,
nied women since antiquity
and we shall not need
and who veils herself in the
womanly mystery that all men have strug- to be concerned with the means specific
to your coming to the suspicions that
gled with; even the poor and downtrodden
haunt you now but can instead focus
of Cheapside and the outcasts, begging for
on the problem at hand, namely, how
mercy at Bow and Shoreditch, have spent
to approach the women who, through
hours of their lives trying to find out the
your years of affection has come to be,
ways that women seek to beguile even
as we all know the case to be common
those of their own class, heedless of the
in the famous love stories of the many
blank, faceless nature that their struggle
See DICKENS, Page 3
has to those in the more comfortable ar-
“Sex&theCD
”
ur sandwich
Hi, dear! How are ya?
I’m Miss Cleo, and I need
to clear up some issues
I have with the Best of
Times the Worst of Times.
First of all, what is
with people slandering
my name as a horoscope
Miss
writer? Excuse me, but
Cleo
Kim Gorode is not a
•
direct decendant from
I Know the
Jamaican shamans like I
Truth
am. She doesn’t got real
Jamaican blood like me!
Secondly, how can you possibly fake the
horoscopes week after week? The stars
are real, darlin’, and so is my 900 number!
Scamming your readers is no way to build
respect, mon.
I don’t mean to sidetrack my article,
but who are all these nosy people I’m
seeing around you by the moon card? Do
you have a gentleman in your life? Is he
incarcerated? Did he play football when he
was in high school? Yeah, dat’s da daddy.
Jahahaha!
I’m Miss Cleo and I’m sorry bout dat
— you never know when the cards will
start speakin’ to ya!
On dat note, would you like a readin’?
The first 30 seconds are free. For readin’
this whole article, you will only be charged
the low rate of $4.99 per minute, with a
bonus two minutes if you give me your
name, social security number and the info
of a friend.
Since I’ve been under legal action, I’ve
been forced to go underground by calling
faithful customers and writing guest columns in college newspapers such as this
one. These are bad times for Cleo. Cleo’s
rent is due very, very soon.
So, let Miss Cleo help ya out and tell
your fortune the way it’s supposed to be
done. Okay, I’ve lit the incense and I’m
flippin da cards and you just follow along,
a’ight?
Oh my goodness! It’s the star card.
I’m seein’ some forgettin’ possibly and
I’m seein’ a new baby in the next three
months. Yah?
The star card is touchin’ the fool card
— honey, if you want him to believe that
it’s over, then you’ve got to stop accepting
the booty calls at 2 a.m. in the morning,
all right?
Well, dat’s about it for your free readin’,
if you’d like to continue then please mail
a check for all your life savings to: Miss
Cleo, CPU Box 275388, Rochester, NY,
14627.
Miss Cleo can be reached at
[email protected].
BY Little Ja’ie and Jamie Wickfield
Who would you rather ‘do’: Cellino or Barnes?
Kenan Warner ’04
“Barnes, because I like to
rub bald people’s heads.”
Sara Chaudhri ’07 and
Michele Gruen ’07
“We would tag team Cellino because he has more
hair.”
Kim Gorode ’05
Ken Lotito ’07
Anthony Plonczynski ’06
Barnes
“Why choose one when
you can have a Cellino
and Barnes sandwich?”
“Cellino. He’s Italian.”
“Barnes, that bald-headed
bitch.”
“Cellino. I love to watch his
ass as he chases ambulances.”
The Best of Times The Worst of Times
Page 666
GetFreed!
The week of Judgment is upon us, have sex and do drugs while you still can
Penguin Liberation Army invades
BY Oswald cobblepot
The Penguin
A truly fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime event is happening on Monday,
April 5 at 9 p.m.
Linux Torvalds, creator of the
Linux operating system and now
leader of the Penguins’ Liberation
Army, has recently announced his
plans for a massive penguin invasion of America, on the shores of
the Great Lakes. Torvalds is selling
tickets for fifty 20-person blimps to
view the invasion first-hand and at
other various locations.
“Come one, come all. Witness the
beginning of a new world order.”
Torvalds said. “The oppression of
penguins has long been a forgotten
cause, but on April 5, get ready to
ruummmmbleeee!”
Preparations for this event
started three years ago. Much of
the time was spent refitting army
surplus equipment into proper
penguin-size.
“We had early logistical nightmares. Penguins, and any other mammal without opposable
thumbs for that matter, have a
difficult time pulling a trigger.
We lost an entire division once
when a private attempted to fire
a RPG [rocket propelled grenade]
at a nearby fish. He held the RPG
steady while a friend jumped down
an icy slope and butted the trigger.
Unfortunately his buddy started
sliding too fast and before they
knew it, the RPG had been knocked
to the ground and it exploded,”
Torvalds said.
However, after that, training
went without a hitch.
Monday night’s invasion will
showcase every aspect of penguin
training, including parapenguins
and Navy PENGUINS — Penguins
Encountering Numerous Ground
Units In Nefarious Situations. It is
expected to last for four hours.
“Everyone of those blimps will be
a great view. We even have special
corporate discounts if you get three
or more,” Torvalds said.
“For the more economicallyminded, we have bleacher seats
set up at all the intended landing
locations. However, any injuries
you sustain at these locations are
entirely your responsibility.”
Of course, at any such spectacular events, expect some fabulous
surprise. There was the Britney
Spears’ strip tease at the VMA a
few years ago and of course the
Janet Jackson nipple slip at the
Super Bowl.
Torvalds gave a mischievous
smile and said, “Watch out,
SCO.”
SCO President Darl McBride
refused to comment but mumbled
“lawsuit.”
For years humankind has begrudged the lovable mammal and
shunned it to the South Pole.
“Penguin-kind has for so long
borne the brunt of human hatred.
It is now time to stand up for them.
I challege all of you to join in our
fight,” Torvalds said.
“The proceeds for the ticket sale
will benefit our war. Please, if you
feel for the plight of the penguins,
donate to our cause.”
According to the IRS, the Penguins Liberation Army is not a
registered non-profit organization
and any donations will not be taxdeductible.
“But donate anyway,” Torvalds
said. “Fight the captialist pigs of
the west!”
A blimp ticket costs $25 and a
bleacher seat costs $10. Both can
be bought at the Common Market.
Special corporate rates can be
found by going online at http://
www.penguinlandings.com.
Cobblepot can be reached at
[email protected].
Courtesy of http://www.penguinlandings.com
Invasion of the Penguin Liberation Army is set to commence April
5. Buy your front row seats now!
Eat Me!
Meatloaf to perform concert and give class CALENDAR
BY paris Hilton
President of UR Cinema
Hilton can be reached at
[email protected].
Friday, April 1
• 8 p.m.
Kilbourn Hall
Paris Hilton will give an important speech for musicians about
how to mooch off of your parents money for life.
Saturday, April 2
• 8 p.m.
Eastman Theatre
Courtesy of http://www.xxxviolins.com
Meatloaf, who is known for
his singing, composition and
acting, will be giving a master
class and performing with the
Eastman School Soft Rock
Orchestra.
Performance of the Eastman
Glee Club featuring Mitch Miller camp songs.
Sunday, April 3
• 12 a.m.
Eastman Theatre
A secret meeting of the Midnight Society.
Page Null Set
COMICS
w w w . c a m p u s t i m e s . o r g y
Thursday, March 15, 44 B.C.
Leland Aldridge
ZANY PUNS!
Kim Gorode and Jamie Sokol
Leland Aldridge
Leland Aldridge
Homotheism
Tony Terradas and Neil Janowitz
SPORTS
Page B
7hur5d4y, 4pr1l 1, 2004
Galaxy record-setting, officials stunned
Chris always beats me in racquetball • and i have a better racquet than him
Chris Tice, left, and Whoop-ass, right, spend the day in Magic Kingdom on their whirlwind victory celebration at
Disney Land. Tice recently won farthest javelin throw in the galaxy amist allegations of Turbo-button use.
by Jimmy Page
Campus Times Shredder
As the sun glistened off the
dew-peaked blades of grass,
a triumphant Yellowjacket
track team strode around
Fauver Stadium for their
victory lap alongside the one
and only Whoop-ass.
The team had an outstanding day, in fact, the best
one ever, qualifying eight
members of the team for the
Olympics.
Sophomore Matt Tierney
toppled the record for the
100-meter dash with a time
of 7.7 seconds. It appeared
that he didn’t even break a
sweat. As he was walking
back to the locker room,
someone reportedly saw him
hand over a small controllerlike device to sports editor
turned javelin-extraordinaire Chris Tice.
The next event featured
senior Gregory Dusek, who
placed first in the difficult
triple-jump, with a record
distance of 25 meters.
“It wasn’t hard. You just
need good hand-eye coordination,” Dusek said.
The highlight of the competition was the amazing
feat that Tice performed.
With his titanium-tipped
javelin grasped firmly in his
hands, he stepped up to the
starting line with a confident
look in his eyes.
Tice started off at a slow
jog, but quickened his pace
so that the speed-meter was
approaching 11 meters/second. His hand was aching
from tapping the A button
so rapidly, or so it seemed.
He was so close to the line
though, and wouldn’t give up
now. Finally, he reached the
line and held UP so that the
angle read 45 degrees.
Asked why he choose 45
degrees as the angle to throw
at, Tice replied, “Through
my vast experience in throwing the javelin, I have found
that 45 degrees is the ideal
release angle.”
Fans and officials alike
were stunned as they observed the javelin becoming fainter and fainter as
it soared into the upper
stratosphere.
“I had no idea where it
went after I let it go,” Tice
said. “It went right off the
screen.”
Officials were immediately
suspective of Turbo-button
usage, which has become
prevalent in the black market of track and field.
“This throw is just too
good. No person could hit
the A button this quickly
without having their finger
fall off, and clearly Tice still
has all his fingers. I mean,
the freakin’ thing hasn’t
even come back down yet. It’s
probably orbiting the earth,”
one Olympic official said.
Asked what he was doing to celebrate his galaxy
record-setting victory, Tice
exclaimed, “I’m going to
Disney Land with my good
friend Whoop-ass!”
Page can be reached at
[email protected].
Fragging improves fitness in all CompSci majors
by the Penguin
Campus Times Pet
In that instant, just after
grabbing the enemy’s flag
and just before being shredded by a saw-blade-launching ripper-wielding enemy, I
had an epiphany — Unreal
Tournament 2003 (UT2K3)
should be a sport.
According to http://www.
wikipedia.com, a sport consists of an everyday activity
carried out with a purpose
— for competition, enjoyment or to attain excellence
— and in an environment
that differs from the everyday. UT2K3 does more than
fit these qualities, it embodies them. At first glance,
one might simply dismiss
UT2K3 as “another videogame.” However, it is much
more. UT2K3 takes you to
the merciless arenas of the
future, where “elite warriors
rely on skill, speed, cunning
and awesome firepower to
demonstrate their style and
become the ultimate champion.” This is no Doom. Here
battle-hardened players
compete for their pride in
a world were only the best
survive.
And that world is amazing. How often do you take
a walk in a decommissioned
nuclear reactor, or an ancient
Egyptian temple? Not often.
But these are some of the
arena’s that you battle in.
There is nothing more exciting than jumping across
a narrow lava-filled chasm
to escape a deadly barrage
of rockets.
An important aspect of any
sport is competition. UT2K3
is filled with, in fact based on,
competition. Some rounds
pit team against team, others are a brutal free for all.
After every kill, the giant
leaderboard is updated, you
have instant gratification
from every point you score,
the entire battle knows that
it was you who stole the flag,
or was killed valiantly trying
to stop the enemy from pouring into your fortress.
Also prevalent in UT2K3
is teamwork. When someone
thinks of sports, their first
thought is of their favorite
team. Playing on a team
sport is as much a social
activity as a physical one.
The same is true for this
game. When assaulting a
base, communication is vital
— arranging for a scout party
could mean the difference
between a successful charge
and a slaughter.
UT2K3 is by far the best
GIR
GIR wins eating competition!
While singing the Doom Song, GIR inhaled 500 whole
chickens dipped in mayonnaise. The first runner-up managed only three. In his celebration speech, GIR rambled
on about “walnuts, mongoose dogs, squirrels and biscuits.” His manager, Invader Zim, shouted something
about “Impending Doom,” but his voice was lost in the
thunderous applause of the fans.
See Page ¶.
games played in the cyberspace arena. Veteran athlete
sophomore Andrew McGaffey pointed out, “There
aren’t any AWP whores [in
Unreal].” Even more so than
its predecessor, Unreal Tournament, UT2003 has revolutionized the way we think
about sports. It’s not about
touchdowns or home runs
anymore — your kill count
is what matters most.
Unreal Tournament 2003
deserves to be a sport — it
has teamwork, competition
and is extremely entertaining. Baseball, basketball and
even football consist of the
same thing over and over
again. UT2K3, however, is
action packed and different
every time. It’s my sport of
choice.
The Penguin can be
reached at linux@roxors.
Slomo • I love NYC
After winning the World Championship of Fragging, The
Penguin celebrates like it’s 2004.
Baseball
New stadium to be built
The baseball team will be rewarded with a brand-new
retractable roof stadium because of their six and three
record. Having the last six games being either cancelled or
postponed has nothing to do with it. Tuition is expected to
increase by at least 10 percent.
See Page ©.