Snapple: Mixing Things Up

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Penfeather
Volume 42 Issue VII
How useful is the Star
Sportsmanship Program?
A. It’s not
B. It’s not
C. It’s not
D. It’s not
E. A Little
Random Facts of the
Issue:
Dumbo was Pegasus’s
fat older brother.
Two-by-fours are
actually four-by-eights.
You cannot catch the
pink dragon no matter
how hard you try.
Breaking your back
tends promote a longer
lifespan.
Five-ninths of the
human brain is comprised of chocolate.
Snapple: Mixing
Things Up
A look into the merger of two
top-tier tech companies and their
resulting products
BY JOHN “ THE HANMAN” HANNER
Those of you who know me can attest to the fact that there is no greater love in my life than Sony Corp.
And those of you who have ever
heard me ramble know that I have
no greater enemy than Apple Inc.
Thus, I announce with both great
pleasure and regret that the two companies, one the only thing that I am
blindly loyal to, the other that I blindly
work against, have just recently completed the final paperwork for a merg-
Donoho School Life
Proves to be Dead
BY ROBERT COLBERSON SENKBEIL
The recent uproar from the zombie
outbreak near the Donoho School has
not deterred its students from attending classes. However, students have
found annoyances with the massive
infestation. A recent interview with
several Donoho students and faculty brought forth some interesting
thoughts. “It’s pretty crazy,” said Jarad Webb angrily. “I think it’s ridiculous that zombies are here.” Jarad also
mentioned that he is unable to concentrate on his schoolwork. And who
could? The recent influx of zombies
has been a real problem for education.
In fact, the newest wave of zombies
has been targeting Smartboards. When
asked about the zombie attack on our
school’s boards, Gracie Jones had
this to say: “I don’t know. They’re vital to my learning... there is no point
in coming to school because I know I
am not going to learn anything. They
enhance my educational experience at
least ten-fold.” The zombies around
campus have recently begun to break
into the school at night and have attempted to eat the “brains” from said
Smartboards. The administration has
commented that students should look
forward to additional security cameras and panic doors around campus but there is no cause for alarm.
Apart from the issue with Smartboards, the zombies are causing problems by interrupting classes and bothering students on break. “They are
everywhere,” said a frightened Bryce
St. Clair. “I am going to take cover. Oh,
and I think they ate Mr. Moore’s hair.”
Indeed, an incident of that magnitude
would scare any student. Among these
April fools 2009
“No” to
Detentions
BY TYLER AVENI
The Donoho School is on the verge
of making one of the most controversial changes in school education.
Students returning to Donoho for the
2009-10 school year could find themselves surprised to learn that disobedience in classes might earn them all but
a detention. Such acts will apparently
earn students everything from free ice
cream to bonus points on Mr. Connell’s
essay assignments – a development
that one describes as “California-eque”
The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “detention” as “the act
of detaining or holding back.” If such is
the case, then Donoho students are being held back at an alarming rate with
an average of twenty two and one third
detentions issued per school day. The
apparently flawed method of de-motivating students to achieve higher education has caused many to call for revision. With tension mounting at each
signing of these white and yellow slips,
many have been calling for the implementation of reverse-psychology as a
means to develop Donoho’s youngest
and brightest into uninteresting, easily-manipulated students. And guess
what? Their voices are being heard.
One totally legitimate student comments, “Yeah, it’s a real shame that
we can’t progress intellectually and
culturally because of an antiquated
See page 3
Kang, aeronautical extraordinaire, circles the Earth as he watches over us all.
See page 2
er. The plans have been set, the time- consulate system similar to that of
lines made, but progress has been slow. the Romans, they are able to rule
First on the agenda for the new uber- with an iron fist over their inferiors.
tech company, undoubtedly the most
Unfortunately, anyone in manageinnovative in the world, is name se- ment between the levels of CEO and relection. Only minutes after the two gional manager will lose his or her job
merged, drink company Snapple was due to lack of availability. Competition
purchased for use
is tight, and these
Snapple is firing peo- positions must be
of the name alone.
The remaining bev- ple faster than Lehman filled as quickly
erages are currently
as possible. What
Brothers.
being
distributed
was to be done? A
as parts of bonuses
schoolyard-style
and severance packdraft?
Judgment
ages; and trust me; Snapple is firing and placement based off of individupeople faster than Lehman Brothers. al merit. No, Stringer and Jobs have
This all comes as a part of the sweep- something much more interesting in
ing reform program launched by the store– Russian roulette. Yes, that’s
higher-ups. Howard Stringer and not a mistake, a life-or-death game.
Steve Jobs, the big men on the block, Employees with the same title face
are some of just a handful to remain off in one-on-one bouts of quite posin power (sorry Woz). By forming a sible the most dangerous game ever
“
C R O S S W O R D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
DID YOU KNOW?.........................7
SUPERBABIES 2 REVIEW...............7
LOS
MEX
CLOSES...................5
”
invented, the winner getting to keep
his or her job. Six days and over one
thousand funerals later, the new staff
will be set. (Let it be known that Snapple Pictures will record all six days of
fun, which is now available on iTunes.)
Unlike management, the blending
of products hasn’t been smooth. Sony
having brought over 25% of the global
music share into the merger and Apple
boasting its iTunes store, Snapple is
the clear leader in music sales. And by
well-deserved lobbying, Congress will
pass a bill augmenting the punishment
for illegal downloads to a minimum of
15 years service in a prison labor camp;
the conglomerate strengthened its hold.
Yet, mp3 player production has remained relatively unchanged, sans a
full switch to OLED capacitive touch
screens and built-in noise cancelling
See page 3
P O E M . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
ADVICE
FROM
BRYCE.................5
H O R O S C O P E S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
PETE
GETS
BEAT.......................4
Page 2
fearful students, Devin Leonard provided his own thoughts on fighting the
zombies. “I feel like we need to line the
halls with salt to stop the zombies,”
Devin said seriously. “Everyone knows
that they are afraid of salt.” Is Devin
right in that salt will scare off the zombies? No first-hand accounts
have been made as of yet,
but it should be noted that
local stores have recently been sold out of salt.
Devin continued to add
that a sacrifice should
also be made, specifically that of Channing Estell. Another
student feels that
he should defend
himself in a different
manner.
“I am scared for
my life every day,
and I bring my
shotgun just in
case,” a burly Jon
Storey responded. “Oh... and
they got my leg.”
The zombies have
also
been causing problems in the
cafetorium. According to
a few eye witnesses (who
will remain anonymous),
Sneaky Pete’s is the most
popular food choice
with the zombies.
Apparently, Sneaky
Pete’s has no negative side effects
on the zombies
because
they
are
already
dead.
Although students initially rejoiced that
someone was eating Sneaky Pete’s, they
are now very frustrated as this has result-
ed in the school board keeping Sneaky
Pete’s on the menu for another decade.
The zombie outbreak has become
such a large nuisance that the teachers
have begun to take action. Ms. Wingo
was seen yelling at several zombies
who were banging on the panic door.
“I just could not focus on my crossword puzzle with all that racket,” Ms.
Wingo responded. Mr. Connell has
reportedly warned the zombies
not to ask his students to open
the panic door for them;
several stress balls
have been
f o u n d
outside
with the
crowd
of zombies. Mrs. Perkins
is very angry with
the
zombies,
claiming
that
none of them
have turned in
their
community service. It is
only a matter of
time before all
of the zombies
are in detention.
Although most
of the student
body finds the
zombie
infestation bothersome,
a few students actually feel that the
zombie situation
is a positive experience. “I think
they are a good
addition to the student
body,”
said Thomas Sherer
enthusiastically. “Personally, I don’t
think there is a problem,” stated Kang.
61.4%
16.7%
9.4%
9.4%
3.1%
er
rd
a
tC
p
or
Re
er
d
en
al
C
d
in
m
Re
e
tiv
a
or et
ec agn
D M
Fa
ph mi
ot ly
o
...Donoho School Life from page 1
Last Issues Results to...“Which would you most likely find on your refrigerator?”
“I think it is an improvement because
we have a more ‘diverse’ student body.”
Other students have found avoiding
the zombies as a good way to get exercise. It seems that, to these students,
zombies are not such a bad thing.
Some students have found a new
form of entertainment with the arrival of the zombies. The ZOSST
(Zombie Offical Synchronized Swim
Team) has been the subject of interest for the past few weeks. “I like how
their eyes glow in the dark.” commented a zealous Mrs. Richardson.
In fact, the glowing eyes have been a
heated topic for many students and
teachers. Does it affect their performance? Should it be allowed? The issue continues to remain up for debate.
Following the interview of the Donoho
students, an odd discovery was made:
some students did not actually know
about the zombies. “I wasn’t aware
there was a zombie infestation,” said
a puzzled Tayler Dawson. “I think that
upon seeing these ‘so-called’ zombies, I
will not be afraid.” Clearly, Miss Dawson does not realize the seriousness of
the situation. “I don’t know anything,”
Rachel Stokes whispered. The fact that
some students continue to remain in
the dark brings up questions about the
effectiveness of zombie awareness. Obviously, something needs to be done.
So it seems that the majority of the
student body (and faculty) has been
influenced by the recent influx of zombies onto campus. Whether the zombies become an accepted part of everyday life or push the Donoho School
into an all-out attack, they are here and
students should be aware. We hope
the issue of awareness will be dealt
with properly. It is the humble opinion
of these two reporters that the zombies be eliminated. After all, they are
taking up our senior parking spaces.
“It Gives You
Wings”
BY WILL MCCARTY
We always thought Red Bull was too
good to be true… and now its proving
to be everything its marketed to be.
What do Rochester, New York, the 8th
largest corporation in the world, Thailand, and the increasingly popular energy drink Red Bull have in common?
To answer that question (yes, yes, I’m
falling into this all too common scenario, but I promise, it works for this!),
we have to go back to a late night study
session at the State University of New
York at Potsdam (SUNYP) where C.J.
Rapp of Rochester, New York, noticed
the interesting beverages brewed by
college students in an effort to extend
the length of their pre-final cram sessions well into the night. And thus the
humble beginnings of the American
energy drink began.
While energy drinks have been bottled and sold since 1901 in Scotland
under the name of “Irn Bru,” the super-caffeinated soft drink that we have
come to expect in America didn’t become popularized until the creation, by
C.J. Rapp, of Jolt Cola in 1985. During
a time when the slogan “less is more”
was all the rave and soft drinks began
cutting back on sugar and caffeine, Wet
Planet Beverages coined their marketing slogan for the newest addition to
their soft drink line up, “All the sugar,
twice the caffeine!” While only popular among a niche crowd, the drink
created enough publicity for high caf-
Powderpuff Football
BY RAJ KASHYUP
feine drinks to lay the ground work for
one entrepreneurial Austrian, Dietrich
Mateschitz.
Mateschitz was working as a marketing
representative for Blendax Toothpaste,
a division of the Fortune 500 conglomerate Procter and Gamble, when he
arrived in Thailand after a long, international flight. Feeling jetlagged and
having heard rumors of a local “energy
drink,” Mateschitz purchased a small,
golden bronze can of Krating Daeng,
which literally translates from Thai as
“Red bull-like bovine gaur.” The drink
worked! His jetlag was instantly cured.
Without the means to purchase the
rights to the drink, Mateschitz brought
back several cans and worked in combination with T.C Pharmaceuticals to
develop its taste for a western market.
And, in 1987, five years after a jetlagged
businessman found a miracle cure for
his exhaustion, Krating Daeng was sold
in Europe under the name Red Bull. It
would take another 10 years for the
drink to be brought to America through
California.
Now, fast forward to the year 2009.
Red Bull has become the dominant
energy drink with a share of over 50%
share of the U.S. market and up to
80% in many European nations. Many
people credit this incredible growth to
an aggressive multinational marketing
campaign. With an advertising arsenal
of million-dollar TV ads, a Formula1
racing team, endorsements of many of
today’s top “extreme sports” athletes,
and its hosting of events such as the
German “Red Bull Flugtag” (An event
in which contestants attempt to fly
homemade flying machines launched
See page 7
Page 3
...Snappel from page 1
technology. With iTunes songs running only on Snapple products, though,
you really have no other choice.
Perhaps the most drastic change
has occurred in the area of notebooks
(sorry, but all production of desktops
has ceased). The integration of Sony
design and Apple fluidity has yielded
what some call the perfect notebook¬;
though, maybe that’s because it is
named the John. Based off the Vaio
Zoom concept and Macbook Air design,
the John consists of two panes of quarter-inch thick glass. One pane houses
a clear internal projector that renders
Blu-Ray discs in all of their glory, and
the other is illuminated by a capacitive
keyboard. It has all the internal specs
of a highest-end machine, and the 18
hour battery life isn’t too shabby either.
If you criticize Snapple for one thing,
please don’t let it be the price. It has
maintained Apple’s pricing system
- Originally Apple’s Steve Jobs
with one small addition: a zero has
been added to the end of each price tag.
As you may expect, such a company
has a secret goal. World domination
is eminent. Work has begun on a new
army of Steve Jobs bots (the old white
ones are being retired), fabricated
from single blocks of aluminum and
featuring a glossy piano black finish
on their limbs. Thanks to Snapple’s
new biomedical division, the soldiers
feature fully-developed internal sys-
...Say “No” from page 1
punishment system that tends to
target kids of a lower economic status. From what I hear, the new plan
sounds ‘refreshing’ to say the least.”
The unsupported accusation about
the targeting of lower-income students seems to be of little concern
to most of those enrolled at Donoho.
Still, some are vehemently opposed to the plan. “I hate change!”
raved one enraged conservative.
Others just don’t understand why
giving students the forty-five minute time to sleep isn’t working. Four
of the five dozen parents who attend
Donoho have voiced concerns over
the soon-to-be policy. On the other
hand, students appear to be collectively embracing the principles
behind the plan, though many remain distrustful of such unexpected
civility in an educational setting.
While many suggest deleting math
courses from the curriculum as a
means of both raising the average
GPA one full point and lowering the
average detention rate by 86%, college counselor Mrs. Gaines refuses
to agree to such terms, citing recent
statistics stating that colleges still
“want to see high SAT and ACT math
scores.” This aside, the western world
(excepting those employed in the
maths) is in unanimous agreement
that math courses are unimportant.
The premise behind the proposal
suggests that students will automatically start to enjoy the benefits of being unruly and inattentive in classes,
but after a while, they will start to fight
the school’s decision and do whatever it takes to fight the status quo.
Also, recent scientific research has
supported this maneuver, a fact that
has made Donoho Senior Will McCarty an unrelenting proponent of
the plan. The natural response to
never adhere to a school’s method of
doing things has been scientifically
proven by observing the effects of
Xenoplaxogen, a hormone secreted
by the adrenal gland. The presence
of Xenoplaxogen, commonly found in
youth’s, convinces young people into
making rash decisions. The popular
conception of wisdom is commonly
misused to describe a low presence of
this hormone, a state often achieved
in older age in those of liberal policies.
If you’ve read this far, then I commend your attempt at finishing this
“article,” but as it’s around one and
the morning as I write, I abruptly
end by saying, “April Fools!” Think
you’re clever for catching that typo
in the last sentence? Think again.
tems (pancreas included). Oh yeah,
and they’re armed with weapons that
launch rapidly spinning unsold BluRay discs. And with Steve Jobs taking
the reins as the face of this most evil
empire, we should all be frightened.
YOUR FACE
ON THE COVER
Born Unlucky
BY MELISSA PATTERSON
Every year we get one step closer to
where we are headed in life, whether
it’s legal driving age or graduation.
Birthdays are a time of celebration, a
time to face a new year and look back
on all we have done. Most people
look forward to their birthdays (unless they’re over forty), especially the
major birthdays (15th ,16th ,18th ,
21st, etc.). My name is Melissa Patterson, and I’ll be 16 on April 15, 2009.
We all know of Abraham Lincoln,
one of the most well-known Presidents. My 16th birthday this year
will be the memorial of our sixteeanth President’s death. Lincoln was
shot by John Wilkes Booth in Ford’s
Theater. He died April 15th, 1865.
With the current economic crisis,
I’m sure all of our parents and teachers are looking forward to paying their
taxes. We really cannot understand
how much stress that is, but we can see
8th Graders to
Receive Lounge
BY GRAHAM NELSON & SUNNY DONTI
As eighth graders we loved to hear
that we will be receiving a lounge
(just like the seniors’) next fall. We,
students of the 8th grade, can come
and relax here to socialize, relax after
a hard test, or just to have fun. Some
people say that seniors are given a
lounge as a right of “seniority,” but
we say otherwise: why can’t we enjoy
the same comforts as these seniors are
enjoying? In our opinion, we are the
leaders of the middle school just as the
seniors are leaders, and next year we
will be going to the upper school so we
should be allowed this right.
Now let us imagine what this 8th
grade lounge might have in store for
us. First of all, let us travel to the bowels of great despair, the senior lounge.
how it affects their emotions. As it gets
closer to “crunch time,” the adults have
mood swings that tend to backlash
onto us. Well, I get to enjoy all those
emotions on my birthday, Tax Day!
The Titanic was one of the biggest
technological advances in 1912. The
Titanic is one of the most well-known
ships in history, as seen by the movie,
books, and even a museum; however,
we do not remember it for its enormous
structure or its luxurious accommodations. Instead, we remember this “unsinkable” marvel for the tragic collision
that sank the ship and killed most of the
2500 people onboard. The Titanic set
sail for its first and last time in 1912. It
struck an iceberg late in the evening on
April 14, shredding the boat’s side. The
scramble for lifeboats began, but there
were not enough. In the early morning
of April 15, 1912, the Titanic split in half
and sank, taking 1200 people with it.
As you can see, there are quite a few
things to remember on my birthday,
most quite depressing. Most people seem
to find my luck quite amusing. I suggest
that you look up your birthday. You
never know what could have happened.
No one knows what matter and substances reside within that room, but
from taking a peek we can interpret
what the seniors have done to it. The
lounge is composed of two parts: the
education center, which is a very big table with chairs to study in peace (April
Fool!, it’s never quiet in there), and the
gaming zone, where the seniors can
relax or have a l fun by playing Guitar
Hero or other video games.
Now, we return to the hypothetical
8th grade lounge. A suitable location
for this lounge would be the present
computer lab in the middle school. All
we have to do is ask Mr. Cunningham
to remove three-fourths of the computers and transport them to the library where we desperately need more.
Then we will build a concrete wall
about six feet thick to protect the remaining computers from unidentified
flying objects. This would accomplish
the location problem of the lounge. The
middle school SGA could use its money
inherited from Bill Gates to purchase
Its as easy as 1,2,3
1.) Sign your full
name at the bottom
2.) Cut this out along
the dotted lines
3.) Turn this in at a
designated location
or an editor
Name
There will be a random drawing to determine who
gets their picture on the front page.
couches, flat-screen televisions, an
X-Box 360, and a PS3. The 8th grade
Lounge will even have vending machines for food and drinks.
The 8th grade students will thoroughly enjoy our new, soon- to-be lounge!
APRIL FOOLS!
Page 4
Humorous
Horoscopes
BY ELIZABETH SMITH &
BRYCE ST CLAIR
Pete Gets Beat:
Sneaky Pete’s to be
replaced
BY ELIZABETH SMITH & SARAH ANKROM
VIRGO
(August 23–September 22)
You will give Bryce and
EJ money.
LIBRA
(September 23–Oct. 23)
You need to give us a high-five
today.
SCORPIO
(October 24–November 22)
You will fail.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23–Dec. 21)
Nice shoes….
CAPRICORN
(December 22–January 19)
Your test is cancelled.
AQUARIUS
(January 20–February 19)
You will give EJ and Bryce presents.
Every week, complaints about the
Thursday lunch delivery never fail to
be heard over the roar of cafetorium
bustling. Sneaky Pete’s has grown to be
one of the least favored lunch choices
in all of Donoho history. Most prefer
the preppy Zaxby’s or the classic ChikFil-A Wednesday choice. But, with less
than two months left in school, Sneaky
Pete’s is being replaced. A rumor had
been circling around the PTA and faculty that this replacement was coming, but none believed it to be true.
We went undercover to reveal not only
that the rumor is true, but the hero
of a replacement coming to Donoho.
With a little snooping and eavesdropping, we discovered that not only was
there a fund being collected and saved
for all the new SmartBoard, but there
was also one for the Thursday lunch
substitute. When we discovered what
was replacing the greasy hot dogs, we
could understand why. Students, get
ready for the new Thursday lunch special: Fuji. Fuji, as most of us know, is
an exquisite Japanese grill with great
food and high prices. We also know
that the chef needs a lot of room to
PICES
(February 20–March 20)
Your friends will abandon you
for your sibling.
Lofty, Important
Things with Substantial Repercussions
ARIES
(March 21–April 19)
Here comes Mr. Moore.
America’s new chief sport rocks…
so long as you follow the rules
TAURUS
(April 20–May 20)
You will not survive.
GEMINI
(May 21–June 20)
You’re going to give Bryce and
EJ precious jewels.
CANCER
(June 21–July 22)
You’re not going to fail your next
test
LEO
(July 23–August 22)
Why is this “Leo” so weird? Well,
this isn’t what the writers wrote.
This is the editor’s needing to fill
in some dead space. Only now,
you want to see something of
interest. To complete our task,
here is a picture of Kevin Bacon:
cook this food. When we interviewed
members of the PTA, we expected
them to say that the Japanese cuisine
would be delivered in take-out boxes,
thus leaving the food cold. Luckily, our
assumptions were wrong. Not only will
the food be warm, but cooked live in
front the student body, as it is at the
restaurant itself! You may be wondering how, and we know the answer to
that as well. The backroom of the cafetorium, where lunches were previously
sold, will be turned into our own Japanese Grilling Performance Arena, as
the PTA is calling it. If you thought the
lunch rush for Monday pizza was bad,
imagine the rush for front row seats and
first orders to the chef. We managed to
interview the future Donoho Official
Chef for his story and expectations for
the new environment for his cooking.
Chef Mao Zedong is straight from
Tokyo, Japan. He attended Japanese
Culinary school and always dreamed
of working in a restaurant such as Fuji.
When we asked him
for his opinion on
serving over 100
starving teenagers,
his eyes widened
and he simply said,
“I am frightened.”
Every question we
seemed to ask him
was answered in
three words or less.
In summary, he is
afraid of us, but he
isn’t worrying too
much. The PTA
promised him a hightech mini-kitchen for
all his Japanese grilling needs. His
specialties include sesame chicken,
grilled teriyaki shrimp, any steak, and
his favorite: sushi. That’s right Falcons,
not only are we getting a Japanese cuisine, but a sushi bar is coming too! If
that won’t get us titled “preps” we don’t
know what will. Sushi will range from
one dollar to ten, and the meals, believe
it or not, will still be only four dollars.
Our prayers have been answered,
Falcons! Sneaky Pete’s will be out of
our school lives for the remainder of
the year and hopefully years to come.
Fuji will be served straight from the
grill whenever the kitchen is finally
built. As reporters and Fuji Fans, we
wanted to know exactly when the
Japanese sensation was coming to
Donoho. When we asked Mrs. Hurd
for an estimated time for the kitchen to be complete, she replied with
a vague answer: “I would say sometime between tomorrow and never.”
BY SETH KENNEDY
A national sport is a sport or game
that is considered to be an intrinsic
part of a nation’s culture: an illustration in the form of entertainment that
defines a fundamental aspect of our
culture, so vital that our leaders cannot
help but declare so, an amusement of
the masses so complete that all must
at least consider bowing in reverence
to its “majesticityness” and glory. In
many cases, these games are simply
de facto, but others are actually defined by law. In America, we often use
the expression, “National Pastime,”
and, as many know, this pastime has
been baseball for many years. I am
delighted to enlighten you, however,
that as of today, that pastime has been
changed to the great game of Dagorhir.
Now, in honor of the momentousness of this occasion, our wise, perceptive leaders have made some minor
changes to the way our new beloved
National Pastime will be viewed. First,
it is decreed that it will no longer be referred to as the National Pastime, but
the National Awesome-time. All those
who refuse to comply will be taken to
the top of the highest tower, strapped
to a flaming cardboard cutout of Santa
Claus, and pushed off. Second, all persons invited to attend a practice (at
Hamilton Park every other Sunday at
2:30) must be present. All those that
refuse to comply will be taken to the
jungle, stripped naked, and tied to the
ground in a pen of starving, carnivorous
goats. Third, all persons must create for
themselves a battle-worthy name and
title. I myself have settled upon the becoming moniker of Aseloathamus the
Trendy of the good shire Juggalybara
with a silent “J.” All those who refuse
to comply by either creating a name
for himself or herself or referring to all
acquaintances by their full name, title,
and place of residence will be locked
in a dark room with Richard Simmons
and Michael Jackson for an undisclosed period of time. The events that
subsequently take place will be aired
on the evening news. Fourth and finally, all must speak with a British and/or
Scottish accent and refer to cell phones,
computers, and other items of technology as “witchcraft.” Houses will be referred to as “homesteads” or “places of
dwelling,” and friends will greet each
other with the salutation of “Hail.” All
those who refuse to comply will be shot.
Really now, there’s no call for not
being civil.
Come visit us at www.penfeather.com
We’d love to hear your suggestions
Page 5
The Big Monkey
Escape
BY RAJ KASHYAP
Puzzles and Games by El Creador de Rompecabezas, Greg St. Clair
Advice from Bryce:
“Translating”
BY BRYCE ST. CLAIR
No matter what school you attend,
teachers will be there. Wanting to expand the minds of the youth with their
boundless information, teachers come
out of college ready to teach. However,
teachers never mention that everything they say has a double meaning.
For newcomers, this is an important
lesson that experienced Donoho students have had to learn the hard way.
Dealing with a teacher can be tricky
because most teachers say one thing
and mean another. When Mr. Moore
says, “Quiet, Mr. St. Clair, or it’s a detention,” he really means, ‘Bryce, everything you say is so necessary that
I’m glad you took our time to announce
it. Thank you so very much.” See what
I mean? Some teachers throw you for
a loop, and that’s why I’m here to help.
Mrs. Senter and Mrs. McCullars are
the worst yet. I rarely talk to either
because of their harsh criticisms and
degrading comments. Mrs. McCullars’s fashion sense is above us all, but
criticizing my shoes because they were
“so last year” makes a student want to
transfer language courses. Last year
when Mrs. Senter was in the middle
of class someone asked a question.
Mrs. Senter calmly replied, “Next time
please raise you hand.” (If you’re good
at “translations” you know why I began to shake.) Mrs. Senter was really
saying, “If you interrupt me one more
time, I will pour an entire beaker of
hydrochloric acid into your mouth.”
Translating can be difficult. The dress
code never came with a translation. On
Fridays, some people wear “acceptable
jeans.” However, it clearly translates
in the dress code that the more your
jeans look like they have been through
an electric cheese grater, the more
acceptable they are on casual days.
What’s a student to do? As a professional translator, I give you this advice:
invert the sentence and take action.
There are a few exceptions to this rule;
permission to go to the restroom doesn’t
always translate into permission to go
to your locker. Sometimes it translates
into “make funny faces at the security
cameras.” Mrs. Richardson doesn’t
always want you to speak French in
her class. Veteran French students
know that she awards bonus credit
for fluency in Chinese and Swahili.
With each passing year, you will
become more fluent in translation.
Practice, practice, practice! Use this
around your house, in your car, and
during sports sessions, and you’re
sure to win the hearts of millions! I’m
so glad I could shed a light and help
the innocent students of Donoho.
Until next edition, I’ll see you soon!
(And yes, this translates into, “I’m off
to sauté a slightly-peppered cabbage.”)
April Fools, fools.
Los Mex Closes
BY MIRIAM VAN DYKE
Los Mexicanos, a.k.a. Los Mex, recently announced the closing of both
its Oxford restaurant locations. According to a spokesperson from this
establishment, the cause is the recent
economic recession, which is taking
over the country. Barack Obama has
offered to replace the CEO and provide
one billion dollars in stimulus money in efforts to save the widely loved
restaurant, which serves yummy favorites, such as different types of soft
and hard tacos, la favorite, free chips
and salsa, and mouthwatering fajitas.
However, the owners had a conflict:
too much federal red tape involved.
In order for Los Mex to remain open,
the owner suggests daily lunch visits
by Donoho students. He also suggests
that a perfect time for these daily visits
would between the times of 11:45 and
12:35, which (coincidently) happens
to be the time of the 5th period senior calculus class. The closing of Los
Mex will be in effect beginning May 1.
Random Picture...
Didn’t you hear? Donoho was robbed
during spring break! Last week
a monkey named Cocoa escaped
from the heavily guarded Birmingham Zoo. He hijacked a vending
truck and zoomed off. This monkey
had no other desire but to escape.
This very clever monkey had been
watching the zoo technician for many
years. Finally, after months of planning
the monkey made his move. Knowing when the technician would come
and grease his cage door, the monkey
was ready to go. As he had planned,
the technician came with two bottles
of WD-40 hanging from his waist. He
came whistling innocently, having no
idea what he was about to let happen.
Cocoa waited for the perfect
moment to jump out. He waited, sweat
running down his hairy body. Wait…
wait…wait…NOW! The technician had
just opened the door before Cocoa was
sent flying through the air. This was
it, the great escape he had been planning forever. He landed with a thud
and wasted no time heading toward
the exit. As he leaped by the people
entering the zoo. Before anyone knew
what had happened, Cocoa was already searching for something to hide
in. After scanning the parking lot, he
saw a vending truck with its door wide
open. A fat man was hauling a bunch
of things that Cocoa had remembered seeing humans walking around
with. He ran into the car and shut the
door. The vending man saw the monkey, dropped all the boxes, and ran
to the door. Frightened, the monkey
leaped back, falling onto the gas pedal.
Suddenly everything was passing by.
Cocoa glimpsed the angry man rushing toward him, causing him to press
even harder on the pedal. He then remembered what this thing was. It was
what people used to go fast! He simply
imitated what they did and was soon
driving normally. He found the exit,
then headed for the freeway. Although
he had no idea where he was going, he
realized everyone had sped up. Being
a monkey, his natural instinct was to
copy others. Therefore he, too, accelerated. Finally, he decided to follow one
particular car which, needing gas, left
the freeway. Cocoa continued to follow this car, which turned into a place
with weird letters: M-A-P-C-O. He was
so busy watching the car that he didn’t
notice he was racing up a hill. Scared to
death, Cocoa decided to copy the other
car and turn right onto another hill,
zooming up it. Suddenly, a huge garbage truck appeared from below the
hill. Instantly, Cocoa spun the wheel
as fast as he could. The force jerked
him out of his seat and threw him out
of the car. He flew through the door,
luckily landing on a piece of Styrofoam
left from the construction of the computer lab. He was shocked for a while,
but after a few minutes he began looking around. Hunger had finally struck
him. So he began to look for food. After hours of searching, he found an
orange, square lunchbox that smelled
delicious. He snatched it from the
rack, and disappeared into the blue.
So, if you are missing an orange
lunchbox, you might not find it. Three
days later, a monkey was reported
seen on the freeway headed towards
Florida. So if you see a vending truck
driven by a monkey, you will know
that monkey was in your school.
Page 6
A Note from the
President
A look into near-future changes
for Donoho Students
BY MRS. HURD
As most of you know we are proud to
be accredited by the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools as well as
the Southern Association of Independent Schools. We recently received
our report citing several commendations such as a strong curriculum with
professional instructors, outstanding
administrators, and a beautiful campus. There are, however, a few recommendations that require immediate
improvement.
It has been cited that our students
have too much freedom and the following recommendations are to be
complied with by May 1, 2009:
•
Students in grades nine
through twelve must eat in assigned
seats alphabetically during break and
lunch in the cafetorium.
•
Students in grades seven and
eight must bring snacks from home
and remain in their advisor’s room for
break and lunch.
•
Bathroom breaks must be
taken in the cafetorium during break
and lunch only. The existing restrooms in the upper school are no
longer needed and will be converted
into extra storage for detention and
deficiency notices.
Additionally, it was noticed by the
committee that two students were out
of dress code; therefore, the entire
school must now wear uniforms until
further notice. The stylish uniform
has been selected by our outstanding
faculty who clearly understands that
wearing shorts is a favorite attire of
the students. It remains important
that the students have input into the
style of uniform. They may select
either grey or brown socks, but brown
may only be worn on casual day. A
picture of the new uniform has been
provided below.
Lastly, it was noted that several
students were not in observance of
the ten mile-per-hour speed limit on
campus. As a result, cars driven by
students are banned on campus. I am
sympathetic to the students’ circumstance in this unfortunate situation,
so I am allowing students to ride
bicycles if they so choose. The only
requirement is that all bicycles must
adorn the yellow safety flag on the rear
bumper, and school parking decals
must be placed on the left rear of each
student’s uniform for clear visibility.
Culture Shock in Germany
WARNING: This article is actually serious. Proceed
with caution and sensibility.
BY WILL READY
This past Intersession, a group of
Donoho students embarked on a journey. A journey not just to go to Germany and Austria, but a journey for
experiencing a new culture very different from our own. Sure it is a great
experience to be able to see the great
historical sites throughout Germany
and Austria such as the concentration camp Dachau, or the eye-catching
castle of King Ludwig, Neushwanstein. However, I think what people
really get out of a Europe trip for Intersession is the immersion in an unknown culture. On our journey, we
were able to experience new styles of
language, clothing, and food. All of
which were mostly brand new to us.
Dachau was a somber experience; it
is one thing to see a monument or museum to the Holocaust, but it is a different thing to be in a location where
such atrocities took place, or to stand
in the same placing they had to for roll
call each morning, or to see the crematoriums where the dead were burned.
We took the trip to Dachau very seriously and took a lot from it. The feeling
of being there is difficult to describe,
but it is surely a sobering experience.
None of us, except Mr. Eschrig of
course, can speak fluent German. Being in a country where English is not
the primary language is not as difficult
as it may seem. Feeling lost in a foreign place usually never occurs unless
you are in a rural town. Public transport is not overly complicated, and
most Germans speak English, allowing you to get help from the locals in
many cases. Even though being unable
to speak German was inconvenient, it
did not make our trip any less enjoy-
able. In fact, learning small amounts
of German was a fun challenge for us,
and the Germans did not act as if they
were above us. They accepted things
from us just as they would with a local speaking to them, and corrected us
when needed, which was fairly often.
German clothing style is also very different from most of the styles currently
popular in the U.S. Many of those who
went on the trip remember the distinct style of most Germans. Germans
don’t, unfortunately, all wear lederhosen; in fact, I only saw one example
of such clothing in Germany and Austria. Instead, popular German style is
more stylish than that of the majority of Americans. When they, along
with most Europeans, go out, they get
dressed up, and the younger community wears clothes from places like H &
M, which is similar to the store Express.
The food, in my opinion, was great,
I, along with most of the other
group, was excited to try new German
cuisine, such as bratwurst, currywurst,
ox-tail soup, or wienershnitzel. We
were able to try foods at places like
the Hofbrauhaus, a Bavarian restaurant that features dinner entertainment along with good food and beer,
which we were allowed to sample.
Although several people in the group
were craving some American food during the trip, a part of our group tried
to stay away from American food, although most of us had McDonalds just
once. Eating at a German McDonalds
was an experience in itself; the German ones are much cleaner and more
efficient than the American ones.
One of the best parts of the trip was
interacting with the German and Austrian people. Most of the Germans
were very hospitable and spoke at least
Kang, Kang,
Kang
BY ZACH ST. CLAIR
Andrew Kang, soccer superstar, discussed his secret soccer skills with this
paper. This Asian sensation brings his
own flavor to the sport. His best quality? Why, such a plethora of answers
emanated from the starting forward of
Donoho’s male varsity soccer team that
it is difficult to tell. He believes that his
bicycle kick is his easiest move. “I just
don’t understand why others can’t do
such a simple move!” states Andrew.
“My speed, strength, and fancy footwork are my deadliest weapons on the
field.”
I have personally been handed a buttkicking from Kang on the field. On a
side note, Will McCarty decided to race
Kang one afternoon after school. Unfortunately, McCarty fell to his loudmouthed competitor. According to
McCarty, “Kang shouldn’t be allowed
to play high school soccer… he has too
much skill!”
Fortunately or unfortunately, this
creative player has come up with his
own move: the Kamikaze Kick. He flips
the ball in the air, placing it front of
him. Then, he sprints forward. After
the bounce, Kang flies through the air
– cleats out. This is a risky move. He
could hurt himself or others performing this move, although he has never
missed a shot with this technique. “I
try to save my showy moves. I only use
a little English. Several
of us in our group, including Rod, Ben, KK,
Trent, Brian, and I
were able to go out during free time and play
soccer with some locals
in a park. Neither of
the groups spoke each
other’s language, but
we were united by a
common passion. We
waited our turn, since
there were others playing there as well, and
jumped in and started a
casual game with some
locals, who were very
happy to show their
skill off to us, while
we enjoyed doing the
same, even though they
were just a little bit
more impressive. After
this casual game, two
new players showed up
on our basketball-sized
concrete soccer court,
displaying
excellent
skill, and impressing all
of us. We then played
a game against them,
exchanging goals and
showing off our skills
until we had to leave
to make it to dinner.
We only lost by one or
two in both games, but
that was one of the last
things on our minds
during and after the
game, we were too busy
reliving the times we
scored or used a move
beat one of them, as well as the
times we got beat by them and they
scored, which happened quite a lot.
We were able to experience a
lot during our journey to Germany and
Austria, and we took home a lot from
the trip. I don’t just mean souvenirs,
Kang playing off-season
them when I have to put on a good performance… or drill my opponents to
the ground like the filthy dirt that they
are.” I would hope to think that this
normally composed competitor could
keep his cool.
In addition to his soccer accolades,
Kang is also the life of the school’s social scene. His current cool standings
are up 800%. Bryce St. Clair thinks
that his Asian highlights factor plays a
huge role in this upset of Paul Chong,
another Asian cool-kid.
When I first began writing this article,
I had already marveled at soccer striker, Andrew Kang; however, now that
I have organized all the achievements
and greatness that Andrew has over
me, I don’t understand why anyone
thinks that they are good at anything
anymore. I just hope that, one day, Andrew will show me his great skills.
chocolate, and soccer jerseys. I speak
of the memories made with classmates,
Hanner’s Con
as well as the perspective I gained on
a different country and a very different culture. I encourage everyone,
if they can, to take a trip to a foreign
country at least once in their life. I
know I plan on taking a second one.
Page 7
“Did You Knows” of
the Month
FROM COWAN ANGELL & CAROLYN CLARK
Did you
know....
• that before starring in the hit children’s show, Mr. Rogers was a sniper
for the Marines?
• that you would be able to hold your
breath longer underwater if you drank
a carton of fruit juice before swimming?
• that horses’ tails and manes are knitted into toilet seat covers in Greenland?
• that ancient Indonesian monks wore
clothes composed solely of woven
chimpanzee hair?
• that, if you yawn once an hour, your
skin would be less wrinkly in the future?
• that, while you sleep, an average of
three spiders crawl over your face?
• that over 1,000,000,000 trees a day
are being cut down from deforestation
only in the United States?
• that, if you eat one chocolate bar every day, it will improve your sight?
Hitler, Obama.
One and the Same
BY VINAY GIRI
The month of April has been marked
by many spectacular events. Peace was
finally established in the Middle East,
with Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Israel becoming territories of one another. (Yes, such a paradox is possible.)
The Housing Bubble reformed; some
kids popped it, and it reformed again.
But the most significant change of all
is that America finally becoming a nation ruled by Republican men, the ones
we must refer to as The Great Ones.
Obama clearly showed his true red,
Republican colors at the G-20 summit
a while back; he announced a plan to
give up financial control over all financial institutions. Obama had decided
that the government can only interfere
with people’s personal lives, not those
of big companies. In fact, Obama issued his apology to all the executives
of the car industry stating that, “If you
want to blow billions on parties, go
for it!” His comments fueled a workaholic America. More people decided
that partying was a key part of life and
gave up their blue collar jobs to have
fun instead. Any negatives were outweighed by the massive amounts spent
on beer and various party accessories,
enough to actually pull America out
of our recession! After that, America
was too partied out, and people resumed their jobs, while politicians embarked on the journey of re-weakening
the fundamentals of our economy.
Now, even after our economic boost,
Obama still pretends to be liberal…
mainly to keep the support of “the
dumb ´uns.” However, Obama couldn’t
stay in his blue cocoon for too long.
The third week of April, Obama began
firing his cabinet. Out went Clinton, in
came Rumsfeld. Rahm Emanuel was
...It Gives You Wings from page 6
from a 30ft high peer.) With clever
slogans, such as the famous “Red Bull
gives you wings,” coupled with an already aggressive advertising campaign,
Red Bull was hoping to identify with a
younger, “cooler” crowd and it has been
quite successful in doing so.
Red Bull’s dominance of the energy
drink craze is becoming more and more
evident. This year’s Winter X games,
hosted by ESPN, were littered with riders wearing the red and blue colors of
Red Bull along with signs advertising
the new Red Bull cola in nearly every
camera frame. The multi-million dollar campaign has been incredibly successful at identifying with a younger,
more stylish crowd. One need only
look in the senior lounge to see Red
Bull’s dominance of its intended market. The seniors are the embodiment of
all things cool, so it is only fitting that
Red Bull asked them to build a monument to its drink for all to see. Sadly,
the administration stopped construction of the ten-story Red Bull pyramid
that was to be constructed in the center
of the quad.
Movie Review
A review of Superbabies: Baby
Geniuses 2 by The Penfeather’s top
film expert
BY JOHNNY CLAUSEN
Wouldn’t it be awesome to be a baby
AND a genius? Well, this dream becomes a reality in Superbabies 2: Baby
Geniuses. After the hit of 1999, a new
generation of baby geniuses is born.
Although the first Superbabies was
slightly unbelievable, the plot of Superbabies 2 is quite believable. I mean,
c’mon—babies can talk, walk and stop
bad guys from taking over the world.
As I said before, the plot of this film
is excellent. It makes total sense and
flows perfectly. The little toddlers are
running around and communicating
with their “baby talk.” How awesome
is that? Who knew babies’ “goo goos”
and “gaa gaas” could mean so much to
other babies? In their mission to stop
Bill Biscane (Jon Voigt) from taking
over the world’s population, some re-
ally awesome and not cheesy-looking
or -sounding satellite system, the superbabies are helped by a legendary superbaby named Kahuna. Who wouldn’t
love a movie about completely realistic
baby geniuses taking down Jon Voigt?
This film has been plagued by some
seriously bad reviews. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 0%. This is an outrage!
This great movie is clearly much better than 0%, but it’s even on the list of
worst movies ever made! I’m not sure
how this is possible. I am very excited
about the sequel currently in production (not April fools’. There is, seriously, a sequel in producion, despite
#2 grossing only $9,000,000). The
sequel should be recognized as a great
movie, just like its predecessor. All
readers need to rent Superbabies Baby
Geniuses 2. I’m sure you will all love it.
The Rubber Ducky Song
BY KENDALL STEWART
Rubber ducky, you’re so fine
Rubber ducky, you’re all mine
Rubber ducky, you’re so great
Rubber ducky, we’ll never separate!
Rubber ducky, you’re so cool
Rubber ducky, you just rule
Rubber ducky, you’re all mine
Rubber ducky, you’re hard to find
Upper School to Buy
Something Other
than SmartBoards
Rubber ducky, you’re so sweet
Rubber ducky, you’re good enough to eat
Rubber ducky, when you squeak
Rubber ducky, you’re so sweet
BY DIANA THOMSON
Rubber ducky, there’s one thing I must say
Because, in every way.
You make me want to dance
Rubber ducky, you’re my romance
Rubber ducky, you’re so fine
Rubber ducky, you’re dy-no-mite
Rubber ducky, you’re so cool
Rubber ducky, I LOVE YOU!!
executed as being too “terrorist-looking” for America. Even Geithner was
cast away, with only a friend named
Wilson to accompany him as he inhabits the island of Corsica. McCain took
over Biden’s spot as VP, and Bob Riley
decided that managing America’s treasury was the right job for him. The stage
was set for Obama to lead with a conservative government backing him up.
Now what? What did Obama do as
a Republican? Well, he did what all
Republican presidents do: govern
our nation securely and strongly! The
economic boost to Obama’s new laws
and regulations (or should I say deregulations) happened within a matter
of days, but much is to be told. First,
Obama increased the defense budget by 60%. To make up for this, food
stamps and welfare were cut, and taxes
for the middle class were increased.
Our nation was secure, and that’s all
that mattered. Soon after, education
was centralized, but any regulations regarding health care or insurance were
removed. In order to remain friends
with the wealthy, Obama single-handedly passed a bill decreasing the taxes
of the upper class. Along with this tax
decrease came very many “campaign
contributions” from corporations.
Finally, the NSA set up more surveillance cameras and began data mining
everyone’s records. We had finally become a utopian “surveillance society.”
Well, Obama did pretty much what
he wanted single-handedly without any Congressional help, but who
needs the legislative branch when you
have Obama? Obama has finally become the true Republican, and now
I can finally salute him with pride.
-Vinay Giri, A True Republican
Well, it appears that Mrs. Richardson
is the only teacher in the Upper School
without a SmartBoard, and the school
officials wants to keep it that way. “We
want it to remain as it is so that our
students will be able to think back
and realize just how fortunate they
are,” commented one board member.
While most students would like to
see ALL of the classrooms equipped
with “Smart” technology, the school
has, instead, decided to buy a whole
new computer system. While most of
you are probably thinking Vaio (acclaimed to be one of the best PCs on
the market), Mr. Cunningham has actually decided to change his allegiance
to Macs! This might come as a shock
to you; however, Mr. Cunningham has
been planning this drastic change for
a long time. Of course, not all of the
teachers here understand exactly how
to use a Mac, so school will be out May
1 – 10 while Mr. Cunningham will provide a 10-day course on “How to Exceed at Using a Mac.” The course will
offer informational sessions on using
“Garage Band,” “Photo Booth,” and
“Sticky Notes.” These will prove useful
in connecting to us, the students. You
can expect a complete transformation of the Upper School by next year.
Mr. Cunningham also added that in
order for the school to become the most
technologically advanced school in the
nation, each student (grade seven and
up) will receive his or her own personal iPhone from the school. Even this
year’s seniors will be able to jump in
on the opportunity because the Apple
product is expected to arrive at school
on exam review day for exams, and
the school does not want you seniors
to miss out on an opportunity to organize study groups via text messaging.
*All
quotations
are
fictitious.
Page 8
On behalf of the entire Penfeather staff, we would like give a big thanks to Andrew Kang for his numerous contributions to this month’s issue.
“Kango”
“Bunny Kang”
“00Kang”
Canadian
Flag, eh?
BY NISHA KASHYAP
Mark your calendars! On July 1,
2009, the Donoho School will fly our
very own Canadian flag in the quad
for everyone to see, as a campaign to
support our “friends from the North.”
Yes, this will mean we will have an
extra day of school in the middle of
summer, and…Yes, attendance is
required. However, the Donoho School
has chosen no other date than July 1,
2009, because “Canada’s Birthday” is
on July 1, 1867. How exciting! Since in
Canada, this special day is celebrated
with parades, musical concerts,
fireworks, and barbeques, the Donoho
School has decided to do nothing less.
A sign-up sheet for band requests will
be passed around in your advisories
starting next Tuesday. Mrs. Hurd has
personally informed me that the band
with the most votes will be summoned
to the quad without fail. A parade will
also be arranged in the quad from 11:00
A.M. to 1:00 P.M., so don’t be late! The
barbeque will be held in the center of
the quad after the parade so don’t plan
on leaving for lunch. Lastly, at 8:00
P.M., an array of fireworks will be shot
into the sky to end the ceremony with a
bang! Woohoo! This event will count as
“
Canadian Flag
a community service opportunity. So,
to those of you who wish to get those
hours out of the way this summer,
here is a chance for up to ten hours.
Those who do not attend will receive
four- hour detention the first day back
in August. So be there or …well, see
you in detention. Students must dress
in dress code. This means no jeans.
Collared t-shirts with the Donoho logo
on the front and Canadian flag on the
back have been designed to purchase
for only fifteen dollars. The design will
be displayed in the office starting April
28, 2009. For grades 1-5, a contest will
be held to design the t-shirt for the
Lower School. For the lower school
students who attend, there will be
volunteers working moon-jumps, a
“kid-karaoke” booth, and snow-cones!
We will have a concession stand which
will be worked by volunteers as well.
Once again, this is a community
service opportunity you would not
want to miss. See you there…eh?
“Edward Scissor-Kang”