Palatine Newsletter, Stake Out

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Palatine Newsletter, Stake Out
Hic Sunt Dracones
Volume 1 Issue 1
Stake Out
The Newsletter of the Palatine Guard*
Edited By Meena Harper
*Dedicated to Eliminating
Vampires and Other Demonic
Entities For The Protection
of Humans Around The World
since 1266 A.D.
Threat Report
By Meena Harper
In This Issue
Sharpen Your Knife
Skills in Just Thirty
Minutes a Day! PAGE 5
Greetings Fellow Hunters,
Just because the Dracul is vanquished doesn't mean we
don't still have a job to do. I know some of us
(including me) may have made some poor decisions in
the past, but everyone deserves a second chance!
Making the Most Out of
Your Lifetime
Commitment to the
Guard. PAGE 5
As most of you know, I have the unfortunate ability to
tell how someone is going to die. But I can't do my job
if no one will listen to me! If I have a vision of your
death, you can still protect yourself!
Check Out Our Safe
House of the Month in
Beautiful Tampa, Florida!
PAGE 6
The following is a list of Guard members who may
want to watch their backs. Please take these threats
seriously!
Continued on Page 2
This Month's Newsletter Sponsored by
The Blood Bank of New York
Give Human Blood Today!
Palatine Guard Newsletter
Threat Report Continued
! Abraham in Human Resources. It would probably be a good idea to
stay away from firearms.
! Sister Gertrude in Weapons Maintenance. I would have that mole
looked at.
! Alaric in Guard Duty. See me.
! Donna in the Elimination Technologies Department. That taxicab
on the corner of Lexington and 96th will NOT stop at that red light!
(DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE, PEOPLE!)
! Gretchen in the Hunter Training Division. When is the last time you had
your cholesterol checked?
! Stanley in the Budget Office. That ski vacation in Vermont with your
wife this weekend may not turn out how you think it will. I'd stay off
the slopes if I were you.
Weapon of the
Month
Wooden Stake
2
A wooden stake is every Hunter's
best friend! It's handy, easy to
conceal under clothing and easy
to fashion out of any wooden
object in an emergency. Treat
your stake well and it will last a
lifetime. Maybe an eternity!
Palatine Guard Newsletter
The Chore Keeper
Help Keep Our Headquarters Clean!
Hello! Meena Harper here reminding you that everyone is responsible for keeping the
Headquarters clean and tidy. (This means you, Alaric!) Don't forget to check the
Chore Chart in the commissary to see what you've been assigned to do this month.
We make every effort to fairly distribute the chores. Don't get mad if you're on locker
room duty because next month you'll probably just have to water the plants. And
speaking of locker rooms, please remember the universal rule of shared bathrooms: If
you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat!
Special plea from Father Bernard: Please stop drinking your weekly ration of holy
water after your gym work outs, instead of going to the water cooler. You know who
you are (Alaric). Holy water is a weapon, not an energy drink. We might actually
need it again one of these days to fight demons. Use it, don't abuse it!
3
Palatine Guard Newsletter
Last Writes
Psychological Services tells me that because we haven't
had many demon reports since we put down the Dracul, a
lot of you have some pent-up energy and could use an
outlet. So put down those stakes and crossbows, grab a
pencil and pad of paper, and let's exercise your creative
muscle!
First meeting of the Palatine Poetry Society meets
Thursday night in the Common Room at seven (don't
worry, you won't miss Dancing with the Stars). Get ready to
share your work! All are welcome, even fiction writers.
We'll print the best submissions here in Stake Out!
Don't miss the next issue of
Stake Out
featuring
! The Palatine Guard's Infinite
Playlist: What's on your favorite
Hunter's ipod?
! The Weapon of the Month: Garlic!
(It's old school, but it works!)
4

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