TCF July 2012 - tcfarlington.org

JULY 2012
V O L UME 2 1 , NO . 6
The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to assist families in the positive resolution of
grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive.
I Was Once You
I have never met Carlie Brucia’s mother, Nicole Brown
Simpson’s mother, Polly Klass’s mother, Princess Diana’s
mother, Carolyn Bessette Kennedy’s mother or Laci Peterson’s
mother. But I know them all intimately. I know what dwells in
their hearts and souls every day. Like them I buried my
daughter.
What am I now? Am I a daughterless mother? That sounds
like an oxymoron, two words that contradict themselves. My
eighteen year old daughter, Amy Marie, died on May 25, 2001.
My life is forever changed. Burying a daughter is a surreal
experience.
There are no words in Webster’s Dictionary that can explain the
grief, the heartache, the pain, the depression or the anguish.
Heartbroken is too small a word. The words don’t exist because
it is not supposed to happen. There are no plausible definitions
that could accurately describe “bereaved parent.” Groups of
words can’t be strung together on a typed page to accurately
explain the grief. It is impossible to bury your child, yet it
happened.
Logically, the factual part of my brain processed the
information. The emotional part of my brain argues with the
fact every day. Each and every morning it is still a shock to my
entire being! I still peek into her bedroom and expect to find
her perfectly made bed a mess of jumbled covers with my
daughter snuggled deep inside of them. Parents don’t bury
children! Headstones read “loving mother,” “cherished wife.”
They don’t read “beloved daughter.” That is not the natural
order of the universe.
don’t ask for this to happen, it just does. My lungs take in air, it
is automatic, something that I have no control over. My
physical body now controls the course of events in my life. I
breathe, I eat, I walk, I talk, I put one foot in front of the other. I
load the washer and shop for food. I can work. I can teach. I
can think on the job about the job. My spiritual being merely
exists. It cannot flourish or soar ever again.
When my daughter died, my emotional self was buried with
her. When she died, I also buried her future husband to be, my
future grandchildren, my daughter’s future wedding, my
daughter’s college graduation ceremony, my holiday, my joy. I
buried my best friend. I buried the once perfect life that I knew
and lived every day.
Tucked into the corner of Amy’s casket is my happy husband.
My despondent bereaved husband now lives with me. I buried
my fifteen year old daughter’s future matron of honor. I buried
Renee’s future nieces and nephews. There is not enough room
in Amy’s casket for all the things that died with her. Dreams,
hopes, joys, lives, emotions, hearts and souls slipped into that
casket with Amy. They occupy every square inch of that place.
(Continued on Page 9)
Inside this issue:
Calendar and Contacts
2
Arlington Chapter
3
This was not supposed to happen to me. It always happens to
other people. I see reports on the evening news, articles in the
newspaper describing horrible events that resulted in the death
of someone’s child. It isn’t supposed to be my child. How can
this be? It can’t be changed.
Fairfax Chapter
4
Leesburg Chapter
5
Prince William Chapter
6
Reston Chapter
7
I can’t say, “Amy, want to go to the mall?” “Let’s go out to
lunch.” She can’t tell me about her “freaking bio test” that she
has to study for all night long.
Washington, DC Chapter
8
Information & Editorial
9
Things I want to say to her are forever left unspoken. How will
I go on? I can’t go on, yet I do. My body wakes up each day. I
Our Children Remembered
10
Page 2
NEWSLETTER TEAM
Editor
Peggi Johnson
[email protected]
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
July 2012
Meetings
July 2012
Database Manager
Brenda Sullivan
[email protected]
Thursday, July 12
7:30 PM Arlington
Treasurer
Kent Womack
1013 Riverside Drive
Woodstock, VA 22664
[email protected]
Saturday, July 14
2-4 PM Reston
Reporters
Arlington
Lois Copeland
[email protected]
Wednesday, July 18
7-9 PM Washington, DC
Fairfax
Katy Frank, [email protected]
Thursday, July 19
7:30 PM Prince William
District of Columbia
Veronica Stubbs
[email protected]
Arlington Chapter
Contact: Lois Copeland
703-835-3242
[email protected]
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Kent Womack
1013 Riverside Dr.
Woodstock, VA 22664
Trinity Presbyterian Church
5533 N.16th St
Arlington, VA
Second Thursdays 7:30 PM
Fairfax Chapter
Contact: Carol Marino
[email protected]
or Diane Burakow
[email protected]
Chapter Phone:
(703) 622-3639
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Monica Clark
5444 Ladue Lane
Fairfax, VA 22030
Attn: TCF
OLD ST.MARY’S HALL,
next to St. Mary’s Historic
Church and Cemetery
Fairfax Station Rd
and Route 123
Fairfax, VA 22030
First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
TCF National Headquarters
PO Box 3696
Oak Brook IL 60522-3696
www.compassionatefriends.org
(877) 969-0010
Leesburg Chapter
Contact: Bev or Bernie
Elero
(540) 882-9707
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Mrs.Anne Shattuck
224 Walnut Ridge Ln.
Palmyra, VA 22963
St. James Episcopal Church
Janney Parlor
14 Cornwall St NW
Leesburg, VA
First Wednesdays 7:30 PM
Arlington Website
www.tcfarlington.org
Webmaster: Mary M.Bell
[email protected]
Prince William
Chapter
Contact: Jennifer Malloch
[email protected]
(571) 229-0768
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Melody Ridgeway
9366 Dahlia Ct.
Manassas, VA 20110
Grace United Methodist Church
Library, 2nd Floor
9750 Wellington Rd
Manassas, VA
Third Thursdays 7:30 PM
Leesburg
Bev Elero, [email protected]
Prince William
Selina Farmer-Williams
[email protected]
Reston
Kathy Grapski, [email protected]
Regional Coordinator
Kathy Collins
[email protected]
Fairfax Website
www.tcffairfax.org
Leesburg Website
www.tcfleesburg.org
[email protected]
Prince William Website
www.tcfprincewilliam.org
[email protected]
Washington, DC Website
www.tcfwashingtondc.org
TCF Reston
(for no surviving children)
Contact:
Nancy Vollmer (VA)
(703) 860-8587
Sharon Skarzynski (MD) (410) 757-5049
Washington, DC
Chapter
Contact: Olivia Gunter
(301) 552-2798
Please send
“Love Gifts” to:
Coralease Ruff
3314 Applegrove Ct.
Oak Hill, VA 20171
North County Gov Bld.
Reston Police Station Bld.
12000 Bowman Towne Drive
Reston, VA
Second Saturdays 2-4 PM
The Howard University
The Blackburn Center
2397 Sixth Street, NW
Washington, DC 20059
Third Wednesdays 7-9 PM
July 2012
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
EARLY GRIEF
The early years of our grief are characterized by shock and
hopelessness. Vice President Joe Biden told of his shock and
hopelessness when he spoke to families and friends of military
personnel killed in action at the meeting of the Tragedy
Assistance Program for Survivors. As reported in the Washington
Post article, Biden shares tales of despair, recovery, May 26,
2012, the Vice President told of the death of his wife and
daughter forty years ago. He said he realized then how grief
might push a person to suicide.
“For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could
consciously decide to commit suicide,” Biden said. “Not because
they were deranged, not because they were nuts,” Biden
continued. “Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and
they just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, that it
was never going to get – never going to be that way ever again.
That’s how an awful lot of you feel.”
Biden went on to say, “I began to understand how despair led
people to just cash it in.” In this powerful talk he told of climbing
back out of grief.
Page 3
Early on I described feeling a hole in my heart and that it was
forever broken, never to heal. Rex Perlmeter describes it this
way. “Love is always there, even when I cannot see or feel it. A
love like this can heal even this deepest of hurt, the jagged edges
dulling even as the hole does not close.”
He ends his article with this, “Death threatens to destroy us. Our
loss goes on and is great; our love goes on and is greater.”
We are alike, but not alike. Our stories are different, our
solutions are different, our ways of handling grief are different,
but we are alike in that we all hurt. As you can see, we
experience many of the same grief symptoms. There is comfort
in knowing that we do not walk alone.
~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA
LOVE GIFTS
Allen and Louise Lawrence, in loving memory of their son,
Barry Mitchell Lawrence
Henry Allen, in loving memory of his daughter,
Patricia June (PJ) Allen
“I have to tell you, I used to resent – I know people meant well.
They’d come up to me and say, ‘Joe, I know how you feel,’”
Biden said. The audience laughed, knowing how often they have
been told the same thing. “You knew they meant well. You knew
they were genuine. But you knew they didn’t have any damn idea
how you felt.”
Father’s Day is past, so are the graduations
Neighborhood pools are open, schools are
closed.
Biden ended his speech with thoughts that we all hear but don’t
believe until it actually happens. “There will come a day, I
promise you, and your parents, as well, when the thought of your
son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your
lips before it brings a tear to your eyes. It will happen.”
We hear the joy of children
laughing, giggling and squealing
With delight,
Summertime is here!
Summertime is here!
“My prayer for you is that day will come sooner rather than
later,” he continued. “But the only thing I have more experience
than you in, is this, and I’m telling you it will come.”
Rex Perlmeter is a well respected rabbi in Baltimore’s Jewish
community. His son, Mitch, died suddenly in the winter of 2010
at the age of 17. In his article, Love IS Stronger than Death, Rex
Perlmeter writes, “still, our family’s process of healing has not
always been easy, especially when we have been in different
phases of the grief cycle.” Nate, Mitch’s younger brother, could
not express his grief at home. Maybe he was afraid to add to his
parent’s pain. This is a normal response for siblings.
The author goes on to say, “Everyone had unique rhythms and
manifestations of grief.” The family accepted living with the fact
that there is no one right way to grieve and simply accepted the
different patterns of mourning. As we all know, understanding
and accepting this lesson takes time.
SUMMER
Swim team practice, time for tennis.
Ready for camp-day or overnight,
and we just get to play, just get to be.
Babies crawl in the cool grass,
Toddlers walk feeling the grass
between their toes.
Children play”marco” in the pool.
Teenagers work their first summer job,
while our college bound children yearn for
their freedom.
Where are we going on vacation this summer,
the beach, the mountains?
Where are we going on vacation, they ask?
I do not know, I just lost my beloved child,
maybe I’ll know next year.
~Lois Copeland, TCF, Arlington, VA
Page 4
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
July 2012
There are no words to express the pain and loss that we feel
with Ryan’s passing, but the joy and comfort which we have
received through the creation of a website in her honor has
done much to help bring a smile back to our faces.
If you would like to view photos from the many adventures
around the globe or participate in Ryan’s MINI Adventure
please visit: www.ryansminiadventure.com
~Julie Barry-Boykin, Ryan’s mom
TCF Fairfax
In Loving Memory of
Ryan Marie Boykin
March 4 – July 1
In the days leading up to the first anniversary of Ryan’s
passing, our family searched our hearts for a way to keep her
spirit and memory alive. Among her favorite toys was a red
MINI Cooper Matchbox car. Ryan loved her little MINI and
voiced her excitement for MINIs each time she spotted a real
MINI driving by. It seemed only fitting to lay Ryan to rest with
her favorite red MINI in hand. In an attempt to share her love,
we set out to gather up every red Matchbox MINI available.
After months of collecting, well over three hundred little
MINIs had been amassed from all over the world. The MINI’s
were eventually customized with Ryan’s name on the bonnet,
her handprint and quote “Little Girls Can Do Big Things” on
the roof, and the number ‘03’ on the doors in racing style. We
enjoyed sharing the MINIs with family and friends as a
remembrance of Ryan’s abounding joy.
Because Ryan was just three when she passed away, we
struggled often with the reality that Ryan never had a chance to
see and experience the wonderful world in which we live. She
would no longer be with us as we travel through our lives.
Sparked by a business trip to Nevada in which Ryan’s mom
took a photo of Ryan’s MINI atop the great Hoover Dam, an
idea was born. Ryan could experience all those things she
missed out on, symbolically, through her MINI, and these
events could be documented with photos. The project and
website would be called Ryan’s MINI Adventure.
Ryan’s MINI Adventure began in March 2008 with just a
handful of photographs. Although we originally only expected
our family and friends to participate in the adventure, word
spread quickly through the MINI owners’ community and to
people from all over the world. The overwhelming response to
Ryan’s MINI Adventure offered a tremendous amount of
comfort, support and encouragement, all of which helped in
dealing with our grief. The project has provided us an outlet to
share our daughter’s life, memory and spirit. To date, Ryan’s
MINI has traveled over a million miles to 7 continents, 47
countries and 46 states including reaching the summit of Mount
Everest and flying aboard Space Shuttle Atlantis on its journey
to the International Space Station proving indeed that, “Little
Girls Can Do Big Things”.
Thank you for the love gifts
Diane and Nick Burakow, in memory of their daughter,
Sasha
Lynette Calcaterra, in memory of her daughter,
Eunice Calcaterra Koehne
“My life feels like a jigsaw puzzle that I
dropped while carrying its thousand pieces
from the kitchen table to the living room.
Now it's all over the floor and I know it must
fit back together somehow, but it's an awful
lot of work and I've lost the box, so I don't
even have a picture of what it is I am
supposed to be making. Mount Fuji or a
charging elephant - which is it?"
~Julia Cameron
Prayers for a Nonbeliever: A Story of Faith
Tarcher/Putnam, 2003
Permission Granted.
July 2012
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
Page 5
THE THREE OF THEM
GRIEF & VACATION TIME
They fell in love, married and for a while it was just the two of
them.
They were thrilled when they learned that the two of them would
become three.
Their son, Brian arrived on October 9 and from that day on they
became a family of three.
They were thrilled with their son and they nurtured him with love
through the years.
The three of them did everything together.
The bond of love was so strong between them and it could not be
broken.
Brian was loving, kind and thoughtful…a beautiful son.
He made them laugh; they truly enjoyed each other’s company.
The three of them shared their lives together; they missed each
other when one was absent.
They loved spending time together—birthdays, holidays, summer
vacations and just ordinary days…anytime.
When hard times came into their lives, the three of them stuck
together, closer than ever.
Nothing could break the three apart.
They thought their love for each other could conquer all.
Then tragedy came in the month of July, their son, Brian died.
They were devastated; it was no longer the three of them.
They felt so alone without their son.
But it was never just the three of them—God was always with
them.
God knows their pain and sorrow and He weeps with them.
Their love could not conquer death but God’s love conquers all!
Because of His infinite love, someday the three of them will be
together again for eternity.
Vacation time, like holidays, can be especially painful for
bereaved parents. Vacations, especially the "take it easy" kind
which release the mind to think, are sometimes very hard. For the
first few years, you may find fast-paced vacations to be best.
Places you have never been before, new experiences, new places,
new people may refresh you and prepare you to pick up your
grief work when you return. Our memories do travel with us, but
somehow they seem less painful than at home. Remember to
allow enough time for rest— an exhausted body will often lead to
depression.
~Beverly Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF
Written for Anne & Roger Cline, Brian Cline’s Parents
Brian’s Heaven date is July 12
REFLECTIONS IN SAND & TIME
I looked across the lake, then onto the sand, wishing I was still
standing there holding your small hand. Sand castles, buckets and
shovels flashed into my mind, as I remembered all those precious
memories you left behind. Tiny footprints took me many, many
years back in time, but of those I looked at—yours I couldn’t
find. But as I stood there going so far back in the sand, I almost
could feel you holding my hand.
~Linda T.,TCF York, PA
Some couples have even found an occasional separate vacation
or week- end to be helpful. Allow space, since you are not
grieving at the same rate. When you go alone, you do not take
your mate’s memories, only your own. It can be a time of sorting
out and straightening priorities. The bottom line is, you must find
your own way. Don’t be afraid of change.
~Leona D.,TCF Amarillo, TX
A Warm Welcome
Linda Hinson, mother of Nikki Garlington
Evelyn Bellis, mother of Phillip Bellis
Sarah Cosale, mother of Parker Novac
A COMPASSIONATE FRIEND
I have a compassionate friend who is humble, true and kind.
A more special person would be hard to find.
Her precious son, David died years ago.
But she continues to help bereaved parents with the love and care
she shows.
She has been through so many losses: her son, brother, dad, and
mother.
She could be bitter but she is not, she reaches out to help others.
She sends articles, cards and dragonflies, to assist and help
parents whose child has died.
She has rare and beautiful qualities – a compassionate heart and
listening ears.
She allows you to express your fears and cry your tears.
She honors her son David in many beautiful ways.
She lives life helping others and tries to find joy each day.
Her faith has grown stronger with each passing year.
She knows she is never alone because Jesus is always near.
She lives her life with faith, hope and love, as she gazes upward
to heaven above.
~Beverly Elero, Leesburg, VA TCF
Written for Anne Shattuck, David’s mom
David’s birthday is July 31
Page 6
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
July 2012
Accepting My Child’s Death;
What This Means to Me
I am a mother who has lost a child. Because of my daughter's
death I have found the need to reach out to other parents who are
also dealing with the loss of a child. I got an email from another
"Angel Mom" whose son died two years ago, she was telling me
about a trip to her doctor and discussing the meaning of
acceptance. She had visited her doctor and told him of her
depression. Like so many who do not understand the depth of
pain that a parent lives with after a loss such as this, he asked her
if she had "accepted" her son's death. She was very upset by this
and told me in no uncertain terms that she would never, ever
accept his death.
Having just recently made it through the fifth anniversary of my
daughter's death, and being in tremendous pain myself in recent
months, I took the time to
think about what acceptance
meant to me. As the fifth
“Over time, I will
year date approached, I
be okay. I just
found myself in almost as
much heart wrenching pain
have to get
as I was when she first died.
I was taken back to those
through the valley
last days of her life.
Replaying the scenes over
of tears first.’’
and over in my mind.
Dwelling on all the "whatif's" and the "why's.”
Feeling the ripping out of my heart as the emergency room
doctors told me that my child was gone from this earth.
Now, having gotten myself through those painful days, I feel as
though I am back at where I started five years ago and am once
again trying to find my way along this painful journey called
grief. I have come to the conclusion of several things and would
like to share what I have discovered.
I told my friend this: Sometimes it just hits. It's that time of year
for me. I think it's better to cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes,
than it is to stuff the pain inside and let it eat at you. It has to
come out sometime, better now than later. We both know that it's
a part of this journey, and we all go through those times.
I used to feel that if I accepted Ashleigh's death.....which for me
meant to stop trying to find all the things that I should have done
differently and to stop blaming myself and being angry that she
was gone... I thought that if I accepted the fact that she was gone;
then it meant that it was alright with me. That I no longer cared
that she was gone from this earth.
I thought that if I began living again; eating, sleeping, taking care
of myself, allowing myself moments of joy, and enjoying the life
of my surviving child, then it would prove to the world that I had
moved on. That I had forgotten Ashleigh and what her life meant
to me.
I now know that those things are not at all true. For me,
acceptance means that I accept the fact that my daughter is not
here anymore because I have no choice. But I do not have to like
it! I accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same
again because I cannot change it or bring her back. Everything is
different now. Nothing is the same as it once was. I have to find a
new normal.
I accept the fact that she was a wonderful, loving child, and I was
lucky to have had her in my life! I accept the fact that the sun
shone brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer, and the
air smelled fresher when Ashleigh was here.
I also accept the fact that it's okay to be sad and to feel the pain.
This is the absolute worst loss that any human being ever has to
face, and I am doing the very best I can dealing with it now. I
have learned to take all the time I need to feel the sadness when it
overcomes me. Over time, I will be okay. I just have to get
through the valley of tears first. I accept that it's okay to miss her
and to cry for her. After all, who decides how many tears are
enough? There will never be enough tears to show how much I
loved this child.
I have decided after five years, that it's also okay to find a way to
live with all my feelings put together. That is the key. I do accept
it, but I don't have to like it or be happy about it. I just have to do
the best I can with what I have left and carry her with me as I
move forward.
~Judy Smith
Printed with permission.
“Blessed are those who have listeners for their
laments. Who listen again. And again. And
again…Some grievers fear that too much
bluntness will cause their listener to abandon or
patronize them. … We owe grievers the gift of
listening to their accounts. We must give them
permission to tell their account verbally, as
often as needed. … Blessed are the grievers
who have confidantes who can hear their
unselected words and livid laments.
Unfortunately, these days too many grievers
must rent a therapist’s ears.”
~Harold Ivan Smith
Griefkeeping, Crossroad Publishing, 2004
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
July 2012
Page 7
July’s Child
I WATCH...I LIVE
My dear friend calls me on my birthday, bubbling with
excitement. "Guess what!! My daughter just had a little boy two
hours ago." It's her seventh grandchild within two years. I am
happy for her and her family, and ask all the right
questions.....how is everyone? How much did the baby weigh?
His name?, etc., etc.
I end the conversation by saying my husband and I send love to
them all...and say "Thank you for giving me this birthday
present and sharing happiness.” She stops dead, and says, "Oh
yes, Happy Birthday." I hang up.
I think about my dear friend, and several conversations we had
3, 4, 5 years ago. She has four children, all friends of our son,
Jonathan, who we lost 21 years ago to leukemia. I remember all
her constant moans about not yet being a grandmother. She has
four children, and kept making the same complaint to me,
multiple times. I think to myself about the chances of having
four children and never being a grandmother...fairly low. I think
about her complaining to ME, who will never, ever, be a
grandmother after losing my only child.
I watch her happiness now, but that doesn't mean I don't have a
life, too. Yet, I am happy for her.
~ Margarete Diener Levy
Mother of Jonathan Noah Levy 1/4--1/14
TCF Reston
Fireworks race toward heaven
Brilliant colors in the sky.
Their splendor ends in seconds
On this evening in July.
“Her birthday is Saturday.”
I whisper with a sigh.
She was born this month,
She loved this month
And she chose this month to die.
Like the bright and beautiful fireworks
Glowing briefly in the dark
They are gone too soon, and so was she
Having been, and left her mark.
A glorious incandescent life,
A catalyst, a spark…
Her being gently lit my path
And softened all things stark.
The July birth, the July death of
My happy summer child
Marked a life too brief that ended
Without rancor, without guile.
Like the fireworks that leave images
On protected eyes…
Her lustrous life engraved my heart…
With love that never dies.
~Sally Migiacciol, TCF Babylon, Long Island, NY
First Encounter
When grief first enters our life,
it tends to invade us –
completely and relentlessly.
We are without comfort, we do not feel pleasure,
we find no joy.
We ache in mind and body.
We feel weak and numb.
In the deepest core of our being,
we are ready to accept
that we will never know happiness again.
What’s more, we feel that this state
is entirely appropriate, natural and irreversible.
Nothing can convince us that,
given time,
we can learn to live again.
But we will.
~Sascha Wagner
Page 8
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
This month we are blessed with reflections from DC Chapter
member, Lestine Keyes, on what TCF has meant to her.
Lestine’s article prompted me to think about my relationship
with TCF and what it means to me. I remember initially being
very reluctant to accept the invitation from my dear friend,
Olivia, to attend a meeting. I also remember how gently
persuasive Olivia was and to this day I am eternally grateful to
her for bringing me into the arms of TCF. Along the way I
started to think that I was “getting better” and was in “another
place” and I no longer had a need to attend the monthly
meetings. But then I had another of my now famous epiphanies.
I realized it was the monthly meetings, the sharing and caring
that got me to this “new place” and that in helping others to heal
we also help ourselves. So just as other bereaved parents and
siblings have been here with me these last nine years, through
the tears and yes, laughter, I will be here ready to care for and
support those experiencing this most devastating of all pains. As
you read Lestine’s reflections on the meaning of TCF, I would
encourage you to think about your experience—I am sure you’ll
find commonalities of thoughts just as I did. As we say in
welcoming new members, “we are sorry for the reason you are
here but we are glad you found us.” Wishing you Peace.
~Veronica Stubbs (Darrin’s Mom and Jay’s Aunt)
Thank You for the Love Gift
Jean Pierce, in loving memory of her son, Dorian Parker II
FIRST TCF MEETING
I attended my first TCF meeting ten weeks after my son David
died. I needed to be around other people who were devastated
like I was…who knew how hard it was to get out of bed in the
morning…who knew the difficulty of waiting for that beloved
child to come through the door and of course never did. I wanted
to be around others who didn’t expect me to be “normal” again.
When I walked in the room I was greeted by a woman who gave
me a hug. As everyone went around the circle and introduced
themselves and said how long it had been since their child died I
remember feeling conflicted. How could they be laughing and
finding joy again and also still attending meetings.
Five years later, I am chapter leader and newsletter contributor. I
come and other veteran members come because each meeting
when new parents come with fresh pain, I/we remember how we
felt at our first meeting. What would it have been like if no
veterans attended our first meeting?
~Lois Copeland, TCF Arlington, VA, 2005
(Seven years later, Lois continues to serve in those capacities.)
July 2012
HOW THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS SAVED MY LIFE
WHILE I WAS GOING THRU MY JOURNEY OF GRIEF
I
came to The Compassionate Friends (TCF) in the year of 2010
after the death of my child, Quretta, in 2009, just before
Christmas. I think back now and I can truly say I was a mess. I
wanted to die myself and I said, “if my child is gone then I have
enough pills here to take to make all my pain go away.”
Someone from Hospice came to see me every week. She told me
about TCF meetings and how I could go and talk with others like
me. I did, and I want to thank TCF for welcoming me into the
family of grief.
My first time at the meeting, I just lost it. I cried and cried;
throughout the entire meeting, arms were there for me. As time
went on, I got to feel lighter and lighter. TCF was the place for me.
They let me be me when no one else would. They comforted me,
they listened, and they called. What a blessing to have someone to
care after losing a child. I will never forget what TCF did for me.
They saved my life and I can truly say thank you, TCF.
Thank you for all your support. Thank you for being friends. Thank
you for the sharing of not only my pain but others’ pain as well.
Thank you for the walks and the Candle Lighting Memorial; thank
you for the tee shirts; but most of all, thank you for your
compassion. Thank you for letting me know that I will get better.
And I did. I could after three months talk about my child and accept
her death. I learned to accept that she will always be in my heart.
Thank you for letting me know that friends or family might not be
around when I wanted to cry or needed to just talk about my child.
TCF was always there for me. TCF made a way when I thought
there was no way.
I thank Olivia Gunter for her friendship and being there to listen and
understand. I can think back to one year ago when I just wanted to
die. I no longer wanted to live. A part of me was already gone the
day my child went home to be with the Lord.
TCF is a place where you can enter with sadness and red eyes but
leave with a smile and joy in your heart. To have someone to walk
with you while the journey is tough and stay until the journey gets a
little better is a blessing.
I could never get my family or friends to attend a meeting. I was
alone dealing with losing my child. After meeting TCF, now I’m
not so much alone. God was walking with me. As I walk through
TCF, I can say with all my heart that God is well pleased.
Thank you, TCF, for saving my life so I can now live for my other
children. Thank you also for helping me to deal with others I lost –
my husband and a son. When my daughter left, all grief came
within me. I will never forget TCF for walking and talking with me
through my journey.
~Lestine Keyes (Quretta’s Mom)
Washington, DC TCF
July 2012
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
Page 9
(Continued from Page 1)
One day my fifteen year old daughter will be older than
her older sister. Can my brain ever understand that?
Renee will have a nineteenth birthday. Amy did not. How
can the impossible happen?
Bereaved parents go on. We go on because we have no
other road to travel. It is just we are not “normal”
anymore. We used to be you. We used to be the PTO
moms and the Girl Scout leaders. We brought lovely
frilly fancy holiday dresses for our daughters. We were
once carpool moms and soccer moms. We sat at musical
recitals and listened to the first melodious squeaks and
squawks of their instruments. Forgotten homework
assignments were rushed to school for our children.
TCF NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE
JULY 22-22, 2012
COSTA MESA, CA
Patricia Loder, Executive Director of The Compassionate
Friends/USA: “We welcome to this conference all who are
grieving the death of a child, for grief is a universal language
and one that TCF’ers around the world know all too well.”
Keynoters include Lois Duncan, Kathy Eldon, Darcie Sims,
and Michelle Linn-Gust.
For complete information, visit
www.compassionatefriends.org
and click on the News & Events tab.
From the Editor:
I find myself thinking a great deal about despair. I think
about it often enough that I actually looked it up. It means
“to lose hope.”
I don’t have a great deal of previous experience with
despair. As Colleen Fledderman mentions in I Was Once
You (featured in this newsletter), I now belong to a new
group. This group knows a great deal about despair. My
previous group really didn’t.
When I try to think of times I’ve felt despair before, it
mostly takes me back to much younger days and failed
romances. In the scheme of things, those problems (and
others) no longer seem worthy of despair.
In our heads we planned our beautiful daughter’s future
wedding. Visions of the bridal gown and the reception
danced in our heads. We couldn’t wait to have
grandchildren and baby-sit and enjoy. We wanted to tell
our daughters that their children were just like them. Our
daughter’s christening gown is carefully preserved and
awaiting to be worn by her own children. We wanted to
hold our grandchildren’s chubby little fingers in our
hands and remember holding our daughters chubby little
fingers in our hand.
We used to answer the telephone and hear, “Hey mom,
what’s up?” Now the phone doesn’t ring. And it will
never ring again with that sweet voice we so desperately
would love to hear. Now we are set apart. We are not
normal anymore. People choose to walk down a different
aisle to ignore us. It is too painful for them to think about
our lives.
They might take a moment to wonder how we go on.
They say, “I can only imagine your pain.” That is not
true. No one can imagine it unless they live it. We now
belong to a new group. We never wanted to be a part of
this group, bereaved parents. No one lines up for this
membership. We wish our membership would never
grow. I am glad you are not me.
~Colleen Fledderman
Newtown Square, PA Bereaved Mother
Written 2003, Permission granted.
In our bereavement, I believe a big challenge is to cling to
our hope...to hope that may be small and quiet and fragile.
Like Pandora, the figure in Greek mythology, as the world’s
unleashed trials and troubles swirl around us, we struggle
to shut the lid on the box and preserve that one last
potential comfort: hope. It’s not easy.
~Peggi Johnson
The August and September issues of this
newsletter will be combined. Material for
both of those months (articles, poems,
tributes, announcements) needs to be
provided to your chapter reporter in July.
Page 10
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
Matthew Rand Robert Gaber
Renard Anthony Harris
Adam Seymour
Peter M. DeGrazia
Elizabeth Gibson
Brad Hampton
Christopher Buro
Nicholas Freeman
Matthew Harrington Hale
Michael Santiago
Nancy Kathleen "Kate" Hagopian
Jarrod Weston
Samuel Jermaine Blanks
John David Lindsay
Marc Gordon Thomas
Sarah Ann Kozushin
Michael Durgala
Nikki Garlington
Joshua Butler
David Yoo
Silecia Darlington
Janet Hermsmeir
Daniel Joseph Pawlak
Ryan Lopynski
Jennifer Rebecca Toler
Sarah Renee Carter
Paige Mackenzie Johnson
Shey Allen
Sean Campbell
Eirik Jon Jespersen
Patricia Lynn "Patti" Schmid
July 2
July 2
July 2
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July 4
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July 5
July 5
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July 13
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July 20
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July 22
July 22
Todd Coder
July 23
Adam Christopher Smoot
Christopher Michael Diegelmann
Kylie Hurt
Will Foreman
Patrick Donoghue
Klara Morgan Knight
David Gorman
Mario St. George Boiardi
Jason Clover
David Evans Hobson
Brandon Perle
Daniel Selmonosky
July 23
July 26
July 26
July 27
July 28
July 28
July 29
July 30
July 30
July 31
July 31
July 31
Cathy Gaber
Pamela Williams-Walker
Beverly & Jim Seymour
John & Corrine DeGrazia
Joanne Gibson
Beth Hampton
Kathy & Ronald Brandel
Steve & Cecelia Freeman
Susanne Hale
Melinda & Carlos Santiago
Dave & Mary Hagopian
Meggan Strasbaugh
Samuel & Betty Blanks
Elizabeth Lindsay
Gordon & Barbel Thomas
Anatoly & Margarita Kozushin
Mary Durgala
Lisa Hinson
David Butler
Karen Yoo
Jean Darlington
Iris Hermsmeir
Debbie & Joe Pawlak
Jeremy Lopynski
Carol Brinegar
Susan Carter
Roger Lavallee
Darcel & Josh Allen
Donald & Madelyn Campbell
Nils & Beth Jespersen
Stuart & Sharon Schmid
Courtney & Josh Coder,
Cheryl & Tony Coder
Lynn Burwitz
Denise & Mike Diegelmann
Mark & Elaine Hurt
Louise & Mark Foreman
Shannon Donoghue
Ken Knight
Joan Gorman
Deborah & Mario Boiardi
Cheryl Clover
Anne Shattuck
Patricia & Michael Perle
Sonia & Carlos Selmomosky
July 2012
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DC
Fairfax
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Fairfax
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Fairfax
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Please contact your local chapter leadership about any errors or omissions.
July 2012
The Compassionate friends • Northern Virginia and DC
Ryan Marie Boykin
Alyssia Cage
Lynn Stephanie Densen
Douglas Wayne Hosier
Camarie Glover
Amanda Harpin
Brandon Perle
Renee Parkinson
Stephen Agyin
Suhail "Sid" Chowdhury
Christopher Jonathan Stroman
Matthew Coffelt
Danny Frank
Eirik Jon Jespersen
Cody DuWayne Pollard
Matthew Sean Clem
Sevi Suerdem
Kenneth Huggins
Philip Bellis
Brian Cline
Eric Alexander Jones
Erin Stanfield
Patrick Ryan Gay
Robert Whiddon
Maxwell Harmon
Kasey Haynes
Claire Alexis Sachse
Greg Snellings
David Gorman
Trevor Stokol
David Patricio Castro
Patrick Donoghue
Stone Weeks
Holt Weeks
Jennifer Coyne
Angela Gardner
Ronnie Matthews
Eric Monday
Darnell Smith Jr.
Mark Robert Fracasso Jr.
Klara Morgan Knight
Noah Seidenberg
Nancy Kathleen "Kate" Hagopian
Alex Leonard
Marc Gordon Thomas
LaShaun Maria Parker
Andrea Katherine Sereno
Jul 1
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Julia Barry & Bruce Boykin, June Barry
Carol Moran
Betty Densen
Wayne & June Hosier
Sharonda Glover
Paul & Martha Harpin
Patricia & Michael Perle
Natalie Parkinson
Samuel Agyin
Anwar & Patricia Chowdhury
Rachel Stroman
Debbie Coffelt
Nancy & Mike Frank
Nils & Beth Jespersen
Andrea Pollard
Suzann Clem
Demet & Taclan Suerdem
Robi Huggins
Evelyn Bellis
Anne & Roger Cline
Patty & Ralph Jones
Jack & Susan Stanfield
Pam & Tom Gay
Donna & Robert St. Pierre
Rana & William Harmon
Elizabeth DiCristifaro
Kathleen & Brett Sachse
Kristen Snellings
Joan Gorman
C. Jodi Stokol
Patricio & Clementina Castro
Shannon Donoghue
Linton & Jan Taylor Weeks
Linton & Jan Taylor Weeks
Julie & Burton Simonds
Liz & Gerry Gardner
Bob & Carol Matthews
Penny Rossi
Tanya Smith
Michele & Mark Fracasso
Ken Knight
Karen Seidenberg
Dave & Mary Hagopian
Liz Kestler
Gordon & Barbel Thomas
Lori & Barbara Parker
Mitzi & Ed Sereno
Page 11
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The Compassionate Friends
c/o Trinity Presbyterian Church
5533 North 16th Street
Arlington, VA 22205
Address Service Requested
In the depth of winter, I finally learned
that within me there lay an invincible
summer.
~Albert Camus
July 2012