Blackadder Well, yes, fine, fine. Absolutely. Why SCENE SEVEN

Blackadder
Well, yes, fine, fine. Absolutely. Why
it. Before I bring in Lady Farrow, I shall
taken to wearing a bag. She can then chat
to Baldrick, imagining him to be the man
SCENE SEVEN: THE PRISON GUARD
ROOM
Haldrick is sitting on a chair, holding a
hessian bag, unusually dressed, wearing
gentlemen's clothes. Blackadder, Mr
Floppy and Percy are gathered around.
Blackadder
Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?
Baldrick
Yes. I've killed someone I shouldn't have
killed, and now you want me to put a lady
on my head, and talk to his old bag.
Blackadder
No, I want you to put a bag on your head
and talk to his old lady.
1
4
4
4
4
4
4
Baldrick
Blackadder
In order, nincompoop, that she should
know of my little miscalculation.
Mr Floppy
Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan.
Percy
Foolproof.
Bla<:kadder
You're very kind.
Mr Floppy
Although there is something lurking at the
back of my head that bothers me.
Blackadder
Probably a flea.
Mrs Floppy enters.
Mrs Floppy
pleasure.
Blackadder
Baldrick
Did he used to wear a bag on his head
then?
ft r^lT ^rLTpl it slightly
to speak to Lady Farrow. Baldrick is well
out of her sight.
Mi- Floppy
Young . . . young Floppy here has a point,
my lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag.
He was an old-fashioned sort of gent.
Ah, Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it
is to see you again.
Percy
Yes, my lord, J hadn't meant to mention
why you should think tha[ Baldrick with a
bag on his head is going to be a dead
ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not.
Blackadder
Look, cretins, the bag is there in order lo
obscure Baldrick's own features, and
many might think, incidentally, that that
Lady Farrow
It is my beloved that / shall be pleased to
Blackadder
Well, quite, quite. Though I should warn
you that . . . he will not be quite as you
knew him.
Lady Farrow
You fiend, what have you done to him?!
Blackadder
We have put ... a bag over his head.
Blaekadder
JNhhh! If you want something done properly, you've got to do it yourself. Haven't
you anything else I should know?
Mr Floppy
Yes, he had a very deep voice. Big, deep,
Blackadder
Quite like mine then?
Mr Floppy
Blackadder
Well, mine's quite deep.
Plackadder
ll . . . the thing is . . . you see ... none
of the other prisoners have such shapely
'dows — wives - as yourself, and therefore
C
mmunity, your husband has nobly
agreed to wear a bag, it was either that or
•lave.all the other prisoners in there with
Lady Fai
Blow like
Blaekadder
. Yes. Well, I'll just go check he's
lagged up.
r his head, and is feeling about.
ilighl, Haiders, this is it.
Mr Floppy
Not like his. And in fact, Lord Farrow was
taller even than you, my lord. A right
giant, Lord Farrow.
Blackadder
Yes, all right, all right. Don't rub it in.
Percy, you better go and have another
Percy*
o the dour and also o/>ens it
He slips outside.
know, you are about to meet your husband,
whom you will recognize on account of the
fact that he's got a bag over his head.
Lady Farrow
I would know my darling anywhere.
Well, yes, there are a couple of other
r Floppy
5 have located my nagging doubt, it's a
iall point, but I do now reeall that Lord
was considerably taller, more than
li yard taller, than young Floppy.
~
Blackadder looks around in angry despair
I then grabs the bag off Baldrick's
Lady Farrow
I am prepared for the faet that he m
have lost some weight.
Yes. And some height. That's the interesting thing. You'll probably hardly recognizt
him at all, actually.
Lady Farrow
You'll be telling me his arm's grown back
It's the left, and good luck.
He shuts the door quickly and rushes
Blackadder
He's only got one arm!
(Shaking his head sadly} 'Gbaters' . . .
you really are a prat, aren't you, Percy?
(Then, to Baldrick) Right, now don't forget, in two minutes you interrupt me, all
Mr Floppy
Oh, yes! (Hits his head in
self-dismay]
Blackadder
Oh, well, I'll just have to stick it inside the
shirt. Which one? Which one?
Percy
wise I'm in real trouble and don't forget
because. . .
Baldrick
Because we're not at home to Mr Cock-up.
Mr Floppy
Lady Fai
What?
Percy, Mr Ploppy, Mrs floppy and
Raldrick exit.
Blackadder
Well, you km
gloater.
Lady Farro*.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. (He gathers breath,
then calls in a very deep voice) Enter!
Lady Farrow steps in meekly.
Lady Farrow
You know, a gloater, come to gloat over a
Blackadder
My darling.
I
ears in gloalers here. 'Can I come in for a
gloat,' they shout. And we shout back,
'You heartless gloaters . . .'
Lady Farrow
How are you?
I
AH right, tell you what. I'll believe you're
not a gioater if you tell me which arm he
hasn't got.
1
Blackadder
Oh, fine, fine. Food's not bad. Apart fro
Lady Farrow
His left of course. Now let me see my husband!
Lady Farrow
Your voice is somehow different.
Blackadder
(Going deeper) Oh, how?
Lady Farrow
Percy
Right.
He rushes away in embarrassment and
shuts the dour on her again.
Blackaddcr
(Now absurdly deep) Is that better?
Mdy Farrow
«
''he moves towards him but then stops, a
, coyly.
me by that name you always called me
t
ickodder
yes . . . Aaaahm, look, do you think
ais is quite the time and the place for that
^rt of tiling?
^Bdy Farrow
'lease.
t
ckadder
n, this is the specific, secret little name
im called it again, is that right?
^Idy Farrow
V». The one ... the one like 'your little
pkin1.
e
kadder
'he one like 'your little pumpkin'. But not
•tiiiilly 'your little pumpkin'.
™dy Farrow
'n.
•ackadder
umpkini.
1
rushes at him with great passion: he
got it right.
yidy Farrow
• . my darhng!
•aarrrrrggfsghbhh! Your arm!
lackaddcr
it's wrong with it?
K
y Farrow
'hat happened to it?
I
ickadder
i rather hurt you don't remember your-
self, in fact.
Lady Farrow
But it waa only cut off at the elbow.
Blackadder
Ah.
Lady Farrow
What happened to ihe rest?
Blackadder
Ah, well, yes. I got into a little scrap here.
with a fellow who called you a nosey little
strumpet who's always going bluhbing to
the queen, and we got into a fight and he
cut off the top half.
Lady Farrow
Alas!
Blackadder
Well, quite. Gosh, I think you'd better he
going. Lord Blackadder said he was going
to be sending in his servant Baldrick to
collect me.
Lady Farrow
(In a new intimate tone} Perhaps, my
lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.
Blackadder
Oh. no, I shouldn't think so. Baldrick! in
Lady Farrow
Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of
kindness?
Blackadder
Oh, no. I shouldn't think so. Baldrick! is
a very unkind person.
He couldn't be shouting 'Raldrick' louder
-but to no avail.
Lady Farrow
we have been given and use it to its full.
Blackadder
What?
Lady Farrow
Let me do this last thing for you. What
for thirty years, anrl that's tht first time
She kneels in front of Blackadder He is about to strangle him when Lady
Blackadder
What? . . . Oh, I see!
At that instant, in pops Balflriclc.
Baldrick
Right, that's it. Time's up.
Lady Farrow
But do not despair, my lord. Your brother
petitions the queen tomorrow morning.
There may still be hope!
Blackadder
No, it's not!
She leaves.
Baldrick
Blackadder
What?
Lady Farrow
Oh, my lord, we have had so little time.
May we finish what we began, in paradise
Farewell.
Blackadder waves weakly and then. turn.
to Baldrick.
Blackadder
That was the first time ever, in my whole
life. I've been on this paltry boring plane
Baldrick
Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr
Cock-up, my lord?
SCENE EIGHT: QUEENIE'S CHAMBER
The young, attractive Earl Farrow kneels
before Queenie. Melchett and Nursie are
in attendance.
Queen
Oh, yes, all right, then. Let him off. He
probably is innocent anyway.
Earl Farrow
My lady, may the heavens rain down radiQueen
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Earl Farrow
And may cherubim and seraph . . .
Queen
Out.
Earl Farrow sweeps out, and Blackadder
bursts in, followed by Percy.
Blackadder
My lady! About Lord Farrow!
Queen
I've just let him off.