PAST_ISSUES_files/171 september ionaz Web

Transcription

September 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 1
2
WWW.IONAZ.COM September 2015
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DANCING WITH THE BARS
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TEMPE CENTER FOR THE ARTS
SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM
11TH ANNIVERSARY
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K AR AMBA
FAREWELL PARTY
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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012
(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939
www.IONAZ.com
[email protected]
PUBLISHER / FOUNDER
Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ [email protected]
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... [email protected]
EDITOR
Deon Brown ................................................... [email protected]
COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head
GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez
PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS
[email protected]
ADVERTISING SALES
Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164
[email protected]
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Fernando Hernandez
Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby
Sean Kapera
Stephanie Anne Donoghue
NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE
Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863
CONTRIBUTORS:
Addison DeWitt
C. Edwards
Ted Kirby
Peter Lora
Paul Sanchez
Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence
© 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine
remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced,
altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited
usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.
NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.
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Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication
of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our
knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona
are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you
own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future
publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the
ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are
fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use
of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that
ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
TOGA PARTY
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BS WEST
Last Man Standing
I
’m coming out. Again.
I’m admitting that I’m not good at sports.
I never was. When I was a kid, they
called me “Rubber Arm” when I
threw a baseball. When
I bowled, my ball found
the gutter more often
than not. When our class
played kickball, I was last to
get picked. I was in the lowest
swimming group for my age. The list
goes on. The only thing I was good
at was quitting.
Today, ION Arizona sponsors
and supports local sport teams
and leagues. After years of
retirement, I decided to
join one of our teams. The
ION Party Penguins
welcomed their
newest volleyball
player. (They
probably felt they
didn’t have a choice since I’m the
sponsor.) What I learned was that there are
many talented and competitive people in
this community. I also learned that I am not
one of them. And I’m good with that.
Our sports leagues are a great way to be
active, have fun and meet new friends.
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For those of you who aren’t always
comfortable with the “bar scene,”
you’ll discover there’s a lot more
out there for you to be part of, and
still “stay in the swim” of things. I
encourage all of you athletic
types or that just want to get
involved, join one of the
many growing leagues.
From darts, bowling,
kickball, volleyball,
softball, rugby and
flag football, there’s
something for everyone. (Well,
except for me!) I’ll watch them all
from the sidelines and continue to
sponsor teams.
So my advice to you is to join a team.
Most of us spent our whole lifetime
feeling left out, like we didn’t belong.
Now you do. Now you can.
So this month we pay tribute to all the
jocks, team sponsors and even the ones
who like to watch like me in our “Team
Werk” feature.
Enjoy this issue, support our sponsors and
have some fun! On and off the field!
Jack Tesorero,
Publisher
AZ PUPS & HANDLERS
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ANVIL
PARTY CAM
Ready
For Some
Football?
Touchdown! Get your balls inflated because it’s football
season! Catch the best in pro and college games (and
drink specials!) at your favorite bars.
Saturdays & Sundays: Diablo’s (See ad p. 13)
Sundays: Plazma (See ad p. 9)
Special Game Day Sports Party on Saturday,
September 19 at Karamba. (See ad p. 11)
Imperial Court
Underwear Auction
“I see London! I see France! I bought someone’s
underpants!” Sexy chonies are up for grabs to the highest
bidder! Don’t miss the Imperial Court Underwear Auction
modeled by the Wild Men of the West. Stay for the Beer
Bust, Jell-O shots, barbeque, raffle and more. Saturday,
September 26 from 12 noon to 5 p.m. Auction at 2 p.m.
Empresses Lady Christian and Olivia Gardens officiate
the event. Proceeds benefit
the Bryon Wiley Memorial
Scholarship Fund. See you at
Bunkhouse, 4428 N. 7th Ave. in
Phoenix. (See ad on p. 12)
ION and NoHo presents
Hump Day Happy Hour
Bliss Beach Blowout
Celebrate BLISS-reBAR’s 5th Anniversary
Celebration with their Beach Blowout! There’ll be
games, prizes, contests, drink & food specials and
much more! Best of all, the Grand Prize is cocktail
party for 40–a $2,000 value complete with food and
booze! We’ll see you there on Sunday, September
27 at 2 p.m. at BLISS-reBar, 905 N. 4th Ave. in
Phoenix. (see more infor on ad on p. 50)
Here’s a Happy Hour you’ll love! Best of all, you won’t have a
hangover the next day. ION Arizona partners up with NoHo,
the hangover defense beverage for “Hump Day Happy Hour.”
Enjoy complimentary cocktails, free hors d’oeuvres, with tons
of giveaways. You might even win two tickets to the Nick Jonas
concert. Wednesday, September 16, 5:30-8 p.m. at The Rock,
4129 N. 7th St. in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 21)
Blue Comedy
Show at C7
Funny fellas Gene Moore and Ernesto Ortiz bring their
own special four-letter comedy to the stage at the newly
remodeled, chic Cruisin’ 7th with other comedians Friday,
September 25. And this show is a no-holds barred event
where nothing is off limits! Showtime at 8 p.m. The $5
cover admits you to Nikki at Night.
3702 N. 7th St. (See ad on p. 22)
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SEPTEMBER 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS
DATE
Sat - Sun
Saturdays
Sundays
Sundays
4
5
5-7
6
6
12-16
12
13
18
18
19
18-19
19
26
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EVENT
Weekend Football
Male Revue
Wild Men of the West
Play On Sundays Football
Trash Disco
Rummage Sale
Labor Day Weekend
Carnaval Latino
80s Dance Night
Fiesta Patrias
AML BBQ & Party
Open Mic Night
Bearracuda
AZ Pup & Handlers Nights
Leathermen United
Customer Appreciation Party
Game Day Sports Party
Pholsum PHX w/ Boys of Leather
Imperial Court Underwear Auction
LOCATION
Diablo’s
Plazma
The Rock
Plazma
Stacy’s @ Melrose
Anvil
Charlie’s
Karamba’s
Twisted Peacock
Karamba’s
Anvil
Twisted Peacock
The Rock
Anvil
Anvil
Dick’s Cabaret
Karamba’s
Anvil
Bunkhouse
CITY
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
䈀唀夀伀一䔀
䜀䔀吀伀一䔀
㄀⼀㈀
一䔀圀䰀伀䌀䄀吀䤀伀一℀
猀眀椀洀眀攀愀爀簀甀渀搀攀爀眀攀愀爀簀愀挀琀椀瘀攀眀攀愀爀
㘀　㈀圀⸀ 䤀一䐀䤀䄀一匀䌀䠀伀伀䰀㘀　㈀⸀㈀㜀㐀⸀㠀㈀㘀㠀
伀䘀䘀℀
䄀瀀瀀愀爀攀氀愀渀搀愀挀挀攀猀漀爀椀攀猀 ⴀ 圀椀琀栀琀栀椀猀䄀搀
䰀椀洀椀琀漀渀攀瀀攀爀瀀攀爀猀漀渀Ⰰ 瀀攀爀礀攀愀爀
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by Michael Alvear
The Right Text
Y
ou met the love
of your life. (Again) Time to text. But
what? “How are you?”
“Nice to meet you?” Yes, show them you
have the personality of a
Kansas zip code. You start typing and ... BRAIN FART! You
can’t think of anything clever! You’re as
nervous as Paris Hilton on Jeopardy! You’re
shaking like a martini. You get “texter’s
block.” You don’t know what to do.
Relax, here are my top ten flirty text
messages you can send to your future
ex-wife or husband. Not all of these funny
text messages are instant, out-of-the-box,
copy-paste-and-send creatures–you’ll have
to modify them to your situation. But even
if you can’t use them as is (or at all) they’ll
help ignite ideas. Whether you’re texting a girl or a guy,
always be mindful of how they’re feeling
about you. At the risk of stating the
obvious, you shouldn’t send a flirty text to
somebody who’s demonstrably lukewarm
to you. They’ll shut you down faster than a
unionized WalMart.
The 10 best flirty texts below are taken from
my private collection (yes, I collect them
the way other people collect stamps) and
they’re intended for people who are so hot
for you they can hear the hiss when they
think of you.
1. You: Stop!
Likely Reply: Stop what?
You: Stop thinking about me. See, you’re
doing it ... right ... now.
2. I could drink a case of you and still be on
my feet.
3. You: 192y - (62*84) = 12x + 45y solve
for x and then graph Likely Reply: ??? You: You make me harder than
algebra. 4. You’re so beautiful that last night
you made me forget my pickup line.
5. I’ve never seen such dark eyes
with so much light in them.
6. I think we should just be friends
with sexual tension.
7. Whenever I see you I feel like a dog
dying to get out of the car.
8. If I’d have held you any closer I’d be in
back of you.
9. I wish I were on Facebook so I could
poke you.
10. I want you like JFK wanted a car with
a roof.
Of course, learning how to text is critical,
but what good is text game if you don’t
know how to meet good looking guys in the
first place? That’s why I created “Meet The
Hottie In The Corner - The 21 Day Plan To
Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master
the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You
Never Thought You Could Get.”
It’s packed with techniques
on how to approach that
hottie–what to say, how
to say it, how to build
attraction, get that phone
number, carve that notch in the
bedpost or find a boyfriend!
Meet The Hottie In The
Corner by Michael Alvear
and How to Top Like
a Stud: A Penetrating
Guide to Gay Sex by
Woody Miller
These titles and more
available at GrabHim.net
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T
he critically acclaimed dark comedy
EastSiders starring Kit Williamson and Van
Hansis as Cal and Thom, an adorable
couple trying to stay together in
the aftermath of infidelity, returns
for its second season this fall,
broadcasting exclusively on
Vimeo On Demand. EastSiders Star
Kit Williamson
Sets The Style In
Show’s Second Season
Fashionable
Kit
by William Cooke
32 WWW.IONAZ.COM
photo
by David M. Uller September 2015
Successfully funded
by Kickstarter,
EastSiders originally
launched on
YouTube. The
first season was
later purchased
by Logo and aired
on their website.
The series was
named “Best Web
Drama” from LA
Weekly and brought
home the Indie Series
Award for “Best Ensemble”
and also received a Satellite
Award nomination from the
International Press Academy. Do you consider yourself a stylish guy? Kit: I like to have fun with clothes, but I don’t
take myself too seriously. There’s a
photo of me out there at 10-yearsold with a mullet, wearing
oversized glasses, a tiedye t-shirt and Umbros,
reading a fantasy
novel and holding
a personal fan.
From there I
went through a
lot of fashion
phases,
particularly in
the Myspace
Era, where
I had bangs
down to my
chin. I’m sure
I’ll look back on
myself in a couple
of years and think I
look ridiculous. photo by Alex Dean
Critics and fans couldn’t get enough of the
drunken outbursts and double standards of
the twenty-somethings living and loving in
the trendy Silver Lake neighborhood of Los
Angeles, California. Well, hold tight! Things heat up even
more in season two, especially in Cal
and Thom’s relationship, as they explore
opening things up sexually. The new
season tackles some pretty intense
topics, from heartbreak to faithlessness
to STDs … but in a stylish, never-trashyalways-classy way. EastSiders creator and star Kit Williamson,
29-years-old, is already be familiar to TV
viewers as Peggy Olson’s (Elizabeth Moss)
nervous, eager-to-please copywriter on
AMC’s hit series Mad Men.
Kit discusses his own personal style and
its evolution as well as what to expect on
the upcoming season of the successful
web series.
How would you describe
your style?
Kit: Lately I’m gearing towards a classic,
retro look. I wear glasses and like looking
a little nerdy. I’m very into suspenders but I
constantly worry I can’t pull them off. I feel
most comfortable in a suit, which is a shame
because I rarely get to wear one. My whole
family is in law, so I really messed up my life
choices! What influences your style?
Kit: My biggest influence has always been
the desire to feel like a grown up. What you
wear can have a profound impact on how
you see yourself. Fashion played a huge role in Mad Men,
where you played high strung copywriter,
Ed Gifford. How did you feel about Ed’s
style?
Kit: Ed definitely had his moments. Those
blue pants! But largely he was a bit of a
square. His shirts were way too large and
he never got to wear cool prints or tie-clips
like [series co-star Trevor Einhorn] John
Mathis. I’d go into the costume fittings
and try on amazing vintage plaid suit after
amazing plaid suit, but they never made
the cut. I love how he was a little fashion
clueless on such a fashionable show. What can modern men learn from the
men of the 60s?
Kit: It’s not a bad thing to take care of your
appearance. It’s great to be comfortable,
too, but there’s a balance. How important is fashion to the Silver
Lake hipsters in EastSiders?
Kit: (Laughing) I actually do wear what he
wears because those are all my clothes! For
the most part, the actors all supplied their
own wardrobe. That’s indie filmmaking!
Does his dress change in season 2 to
reflect his relationship status?
Kit: Yes, Cal is trying to reinvent himself;
the way people often do after a breakup.
He’s shaved off a bunch of his hair and
hit the gym and is maybe subconsciously
trying to send Thom a message that he’s an
independent woman. Where are Cal and Thom in season 2?
Kit: I think they’re the genuine sort that
wear things because they like them, not
because they’re obsessed with projecting
an image of coolness. It’s pretty easy to
sniff out people that are trying too hard. Kit: They’re brokeback–they don’t know
how to quit each other. Cal’s moved out of
their apartment, but they’ve started dating
again. They’re sharing custody of the cat, but
they’re not sure where things stand.
What do you think of your character
Cal’s style? Are things any better for Ian and Kathy’s
relationship?
Kit: Cal’s style is pretty much my style.
So you would
wear what he
wears?
34
photo by Jono
photo by Alex Dean
Kit: Kathy’s still Kathy and
Ian’s still Ian, so things are still on a
pendulum swing. Kathy lying to Ian about getting an
abortion was a big deal for them in
season one.
Kit: Yes but not because Ian
wouldn’t have been supportive, but
because he didn’t get the chance
to be. There’s still a lot of tension
between them, and Kathy has a hard
time not pushing him away. Ian, of course, is played by your real
life stylish fiancé, John Halbach. Do
you have any style advice for John?
Kit: Never wear the same shirt that I’m
wearing. We don’t want to end up on
that Tumblr that features boyfriends
that look like twins. The second season of
EastSiders begins in
September exclusively
on Vimeo On Demand.
Follow the show on
Twitter and Instagram
at @EastSidersTV
and “Like” the show
on Facebook at
EastSidersTheSeries.
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photo by Jono
Yara Sofia at IBT’s
ˇEcha Pa’lante! Wildly unique, the talented Yara Sofia
competed in RuPaul’s Drag Race, season 3. The Puerto
Rican spitfire’s boundless talent and style makes her
a fan favorite wherever she goes. Yara’s warmth and
cheery disposition won her “Miss Congeniality” with
her castmates on the show. You’ll love Yara Sofia, too,
on Sunday, September 27 at IBT’s, 616 N. 4th Ave. in
Tucson. 520-882-3053 IBTsTucson.com VIP Meet &
Greet, showtime at 7 p.m. (See ad on p. 99)
SEPTEMBER 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS
DATE TIME Wed 2
Fri 4
10:00pm
Mon 7
2:00pm
Mon 7
1:00pm
Fri 11
9:00pm
Fri 11
10:00pm
Tues 15
Wed 16
Sat 19
8:30pm
Tues 22
Thurs 24
Fri 25
10:00pm
Sun 27
9:00pm
Sun 27
2:00pm
Mondays
9:30pm
Mondays
10:00pm
Tuesday
10:00pm
Tuesdays
9:00pm
Wednesdays 9:00pm
Wednesdays 9:00pm
Wednesdays 10:30pm
Wednesdays 10:00pm
Thursdays
10:30pm
Thursdaya
9:00pm
Fridays
10:30pn
Fridays
10:30
Fridays
9:00pm
Fridays
9:00pm
Fridays
9:00pm
Fridays
10:00pm
2nd Saturday 9:30pm
Saturdays
9:00pm
Saturdays 10:30pm
Saturdays
10:00pm
Saturdays
9:30pm
Sundays
8:30pm
Sundays
10:30pm
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LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)
Karamba
Miss Reina Latina 2015
The Rock
Barbra Seville’s Girly Show
Cruisin’ 7th
Escuse Our Beauty Revue with Miss Paige and the Gurls
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot’s Labor Day Show
Kobalt
La Femme Magnifique
The Rock
Barbra Seville’s Girly Show
Karamba Savannah’s El Grito Celebration
Karamba
Karamba Girls Celebrate Fiesta Patrias
Kobalt
Dart League Turnabout Show
Karamba
Savannah’s Face Off
Karamba
Jennifer Lopez Tribute
The Rock
Lady Christians Trailer Trash Revue
Kobalt
Bunz Birthday Bash Show
Cruisin’ 7th
Big Sunday with Big Booty Judy
Kobalt
Drag Bingo
Charlie’s
Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men
Karamba
Savannah Moussier’s Show
BS West
Stars Choice Talent Showcase
IBT’s
Viva La DIVA
Kobalt
Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens
Karamba
Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi
Charlie’s
Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos
Karamba
Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds
Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursdays with Celia Putty and Coco St. James
Cruisin’ 7th
Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles
The Rock
Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
Plazma
Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
IBT’s
Absolutely Flawless with China Collins
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
OZ
Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys
Kobalt
Celia Putty
IBT’s
Starrletts with Janee Star
Cruisin’ 7th
The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams
The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Charlie’s
Pussy’s Patio Show
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Karamba
Diamond’s Show
The Wiz
Ease on down the road to the urban
Emerald City with some superfly funk
and jive. This inner-city, urban retelling
of the classic tale of murder, revenge,
friendship and vindication still shares
the humble philosophy, “There’s No
Place Like Your Crib.” Presented by the
Mesa Encore Theatre at the Mesa Arts
Center, 1 E. Main St. in Mesa, of course. For
tickets go to MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500
Wicked
But wait! There’s even more Oz in store! It’s back again ... the
previously untold backstory about the Wicked Witch of the
West and Glinda, the Good Witch of the North back in their
college days as magical coed bobbysoxers returns to the
Valley now through September 24. After the show you’ll be
singing “Popular” and “Defying Gravity” at karaoke and driving
everybody crazy. Hold off on that. Please. But go see the
musical at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. Tempe For tickets
go to ASUgammage.com, TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Out of the Box
New, late night show hosted by queer “circus poet” Joy Young, with
a focus on marginalized voices. Expect LGBTQ, women, people of
color and other up & coming artists. Spoken word, music, comedy
and other shenanigans! Celebrate our stories and support a more
sustainable, diverse arts community at Space 55 Theatre, 636 E.
Pierce St. in Phoenix. Go to Space55.com for a full listing of this
seasons productions and support local theatre!
SEPTEMBER 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP
DATE EVENT
4-19
Hysteria
5-26
Various Productions
thru 5
Grounded
9-10/4
Chicago
11-22
The Wiz
thru 20 Lucky Stiff
thru 24 Wicked
24-10/11 Sex With Strangers (Phx) 25
Out of the Box
thru 10/10Something’s Afoot
40
COMPANY
PHONE
SW Shakespeare Theatre
480-644-6500
Space 55 - Phx Space55.com
iTheatre Collaborative
60-347-1181
Phoenix Theatre
602-254-2151
Mesa Encore Theatre
480-644-6500
AZ B ‘way Theatre
623-776-8400
ASU Gammage
480-965-3434
AZ Theatre Co.
602-265-6995
Space 55
Space55.com
Hale Centre Theatre
480-497-1181
Nick Jonas
One sexy third of the All-American Jonas Brothers is coming to the
Valley, fresh from co-hosting the MTV VMAs. Except now he’s all
grown up and a little bit naughty! A big fan of the gays, with abs to die
for. Sunday, September 20 at the Marquee Theatre,
730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. For your tickets, call or
480-839-0707 go to LuckyManOnline.com
Ricky Martin
“Here we go! Alé, alé, alé!” Shake your bon bons, because Menudo
alumnae Ricky Martin is coming to Arizona! TUCSON: Weds.
September 23 at the Tori Amphitheatre at Casino del Sol, 5655
W. Valencia. Call 800-344-9435 for tickets. PHOENIX: Saturday,
September 26 at Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. For tickets
visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Summer Ends Music Festival
Say, “adíos” to summer. Come to the biggest outdoor concert blockbuster with the best
bands in the biz, Thursday, September 24 through Sunday, September 27. Hozier, Brandon
Flowers, Jimmy Eat World, Kanye West headline at Tempe Beach Park downtown on Mill
Avenue. For a full line-up and tickets go to SumerEndsAZ.com
SEPTEMBER 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR
DATE ARTIST 2
Purity Ring
3
Primus & The Chocolate Factory
4
Chayanne
9
Lenny Kravitz
10 Los Lonely Boys
11
Lee Brice, Clare Dunn, Brett Young
11
Chayanne
11
Berlin, The Romantics
12
Zedd
13
Dave Matthews Band
15
Chris Brown, Kid Ink, Omarion
16
Luis Miguel
17
Chris Cornell
18
Phx Symphony: Beethoven’s Ninth
20
Nick Jonas
23
Ricky Martin
24-27 Summer Ends Music Festival
25
Foo Fighters
26
Ricky Martin
28
Van Halen & Kenny Wayne
30
David Cook
30
Sam Smith
OCTOBER
9
Tony Bennett
42
LOCATION
Rialto Theatre - Tucson
Casino del Sol - Tucson
Comerica Theatre - Phoenix
Comerica Theatre - Phx
Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix
Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita
Mesa Amphitheatre
US Airways Center - Phx
Orpheum Theatre - Phoenix
Symphony Hall - Phoenix
Marquee Theatre - Tempe
Casino del Sol - Tucson
Tempe Beach Park
Musical Instrument Museum - Phx
Gila River Arena - Glendale
PHONE
520-740-1000
520-740-1000
800-344-9435
800-745-3000
520-740-1000
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
520-297-7777
480-644-2560
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
UofA Centennial Hall
800-745-3000
800-344-9435
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
800-745-3000
480-478-6000
800-745-3000
Aural
Fixation
by Peter Lora
[email protected]
Carly Rae
Jepsen E•MO•TION
After the success of “Call
Me Maybe,” most people
thought they’d heard the
last of Carly Rae Jepsen
and thought that her next tour would be a
decade away and mostly likely at a casino.
We were wrong and Jepsen is back with
E•MO•TION a collection of themes and
variations on her sole hit single.
“I Really Like You,” the album’s lead single,
is really, really, really bad. Poor Jepsen, 29,
has gone from a playful nonchalant phone
number exchange to an adolescent “I Like
You,” she’s got “Boy Problems,” she’s
insecure about not being “Your Type.”
When Jepsen attempts to be serious with
“All That,” even she sounds bored. It’s not all bad news; the album is recorded
impeccably. The instrumental productions
are the real star with perfect 80s synth
sounds and percussion. “Run Away With
Me” and “Gimmie Love” are the songs in
the background of your road trip; you’re
less self conscious about liking them 50
miles away from civilization. In a world
where Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can
artfully mix and meld adult and tween
content, Jepsen is truly only 13 going on
30. So skip this album ... maybe. Available
Now
FKA twigs
M3LLI55X
“You’ve got a goddamn
nerve”, lyrics from “In
Time,” a song from FKA
twigs new released
surprise EP M3LLI55X.
It’s a line that could easily be mirrored
back at its deliverer. FKA twigs hinted
at new work shortly after releasing her
first full length album LP1 last August.
A lot has happened for the songstress
44
since that release; her nomination for the
England’s most coveted award , the Mercury
Prize celebrating the best in UK music, her
publicized relationship with Robert Pattinson,
her assumption to fashion muse and more.
With the surprise release of M3LLI55X came
a 16-minute video that explores the album’s
themes. Voguing: Twigs speaks endlessly of
her fascination with the drag-born art form
documented in Paris is Burning and spread
to masses by Madonna. “Figure 8” is a trepidatious intro to the
album, referencing the shapes in voguing.
“I’m Your Doll” is a submissive’s anthem. “In
Time” is the EP’s apex; Twigs breaks away
from her signature smooth vocal style and
is confrontative for once. “Glass & Patron”
picks up where Madonna’s “Vogue” leaves
off. “4,2,3 ... now hold that pose for me.”
The video features Twigs amongst elite
androgyne voguers proving her dancer
roots on a runway.
With M3LLI55X,
Twigs proves
again that she is
unapologetically
feminist and
unafraid.
Available
Now
Disclosure
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD
ARTIST - “SONG”
Disclosure“Omen” feat. Sam Smith
BØRNS “Emotion”
Neon Indian “Slumlord”
Domenique Dumont ‘‘Comme Ça”
Jack J “Thirstin’”
Picnicytyme “Lift Off” feat. Sam Lao
CFCF Touching the Earth”
GEMS “Living as a Ghost”
Kaskade
“We Don’t Stop”
Buika “Vivir Sin Miedo”
God Save
the Queens
[email protected]
The
Royals:
Season 1
If you love Downton
Abbey you’ll hate The
Royals.
The E! Channel’s debut
dramatic series is a
soapy, blue-blooded
mashup of the primetime
classic Dynasty and MTV’s The Hills.
Campy and over-the-top, this muckraking
melodrama hard-boils all the scandalous,
tabloid gossip of the yellowest journalism
and has the nerve to call it “television.” I
love it.
The flimsy, hardly worth mentioning plot
concerns a mythical, modern day Royal
Family of England dealing with all the
same issues that every family deals with:
marriage, child rearing, drinking, drugs,
infidelity, blackmail, bisexuality (and sex in
general), extortion, money, party planning
and a Machiavellian bloodlust for the power
of one of the greatest empires in the world.
Think of The Kardashians, but with more
class (like that’s a stretch) and all the
women wearing lots of fascinators.
46
The kind, boring, King Simon (Vincent
Regan, 300) wants to abolish the
monarchy. His gorgeous, nasty, Royal
Consort, Queen Helena (Elizabeth Hurley,
Austin Powers, looking astonishingly frozen
in time) is a modern day interpretation
of Queen Gertrude from Shakespeare’s
Hamlet, upon which the show was loosely
framed. Very loosely. Hurley approaches
the role with all the delicious ferocity of
Absolutely Fabulous’s monstrous Patsy
Stone. “Good morning!” she bellows,
pounding on her slutty, drug-fueled Lindsay
Lohan-esque daughter, Princess Eleanor’s
door. “It’s the Queen of England!” Veteran
thespian Hurley claims her inspiration was
Princess Diana and Cruela de Vil. Fact.
Bawdy dialogue includes exchanges
like, “Can I smell your feet?”
“No!”
“Then it must be your fanny.” (That’s
slang for va-jay-jay in England.)
Zingers like this come from Lydia Rose
Bewley and Hatty Preston, who steal the
show as the vulgar, redheaded Princesses
Penelope and Maribel‑the “Fergies” of
the palace. Tom Austen plays humpy
bodyguard for Princess Eleanor (Alexandra
Park), who uses champagne for bong
water. The greatest coup is Joan Collins
(Dynasty) as the Grand Duchess of Oxford,
Queen Helena’s mother.
Gilt. Crystal chandeliers. Oriental rugs. It’s
all “Palace, Sweet Palace” for this family.
The sumptuous trappings of Blenheim
Palace, where the series was filmed, are
eye-popping; that alone makes it worth
watching.
Called “Possibly the worst show in the
history of TV,” by the Sydney Morning
Herald, expect season two to fire up in
November. Personally, I can’t wait. A
glamorous, delicious, guilty pleasure.
Rule, Britannia, queens! ✮✮✮✮✮
Available now. 3-disc DVD + digital.
$29.99 MSRP
Rocky Horror
Picture
Show 40th
Anniversary
Edition
It was great when it all
began ... the Number
1 cult film of all time is released for the
first time on Blu-ray, DVD and Digital HD.
It loses a little “oomph” on the home TV
screen, but a “must” for any fan. Loaded
with extras. Fishnets included. “Don’t dream
it ... “ ✮✮✮✮✮
Available September 22, $24.99 MSRP
[email protected]
Stonewall
Starring: Jeremy
Irvine, Jonathan
Rhys Meyers, Jonny
Beauchamp
Young Danny
Winters (Irvine, Great
Expectations) gets
kicked out of the house (for
being gay. Shocker.) and
leaves his all-American,
Hometown, USA roots,
migrating to—where
else?—the Big Apple,
where he can be
gay and free. So he
thinks. Homeless, he
makes friends with a
group of ragtag street
kids who introduce him
to the Stonewall Inn,
a somewhat dodgy gay
bar and gathering place on
Christopher Street run by the Mafia. We’re
looking forward to the Puerto Rican trans
woman Ray Castro, (Beauchamp, Dorian
Gray’s transgendered lover “Angelique”
from Showtime’s Penny Dreadful), who’s
expected to be the runaway star of the
picture.
This fictionalized account focuses on
Danny’s awakening to political activism
as a result of the famous Stonewall riots
of 1969. Surprisingly, early critics have
been questionably harsh, claiming the
film omits the prominent role of people
of color, drag queens, transgenders and
lesbians from the historic events, in effect
whitewashing the true story. Out and openly
gay director Roland Emmerich (White
House Down) and star Irvine deny this. Go
to: TheStonewallMovie.com
Opens September 25 (limited release)
48
Old
New York
The Walk
Starring: Joseph
Gordon-Levitt, Ben
Kingsley
New York City’s famous
World Trade Center
stood 1,350 feet high and
110 stories tall, earning it
the distinction of the tallest
structures in the world at the
time. This is the true story of
French high-wire artist and daredevil
Philippe Petit (Gordon-Leavitt, (500) Days
of Summer) who together with the help
of his mentor, Papa Rudi, (Kingsley,
Ghandi) and a band of recruits,
overcame astonishing odds to
accomplish Petit’s dream of walking
a cable—or “tightrope”—spanning
the chasm between the recently
completed skyscrapers on August
7, 1972. Perhaps the true star of the
picture are the twin towers themselves,
destroyed during the attacks of September
11. Their recreation is an up-close
valentine to the architecture and memories
of the New York City skyline giants. Got
acrophobia? Then do not see this movie!
Go to: TheWalkMovie.com
Opens September 30 in 3D & IMAX 3D.
Wide release Oct. 9
Cooties
Starring Elijah Wood, Rainn Wilson
The ultimate damning curse happens to
elementary school brats. Weird comedy
combined with horror. And children.
Opens September 18.
Everest
Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Keira Knightly
Why climb the famous hilltop? Because it’s
there, silly. Snow and avalanches,
and Jake. We call it Icecap Mountain!
Opens September 25
Vive la France!
Essence Bakery
F
rench cuisine. Few have
tamed it ... well, except for Julia Child–an
American. Even the legendary Auguste
Escoffier, the fabled know-it-all who
defined French cooking for generations,
wrote his venerable 1903 cookbook Le
Guide Culinaire explaining French cuisine
for the next 70 years in London. It’s so
formidable that even the French are afraid
of it. Writer and bon vivant Ambrose Bierce
said that “Mayonnaise is one of the sauces
which serve the French the place of a state
religion.” That’s about right.
It doesn’t all have to be entrées like
Blanquette de Veau, Boudin Noir aux
Pommes and other unpronounceable
dishes (although it’s out there, and I highly
recommend trying them if you have the
means.) However, if you’re looking for
a little café to wet your whistle with a bit
of light, très casual French (or French
inspired) cuisine for un petit morceau,
check out Essence Bakery if you haven’t
already.
Thanks to Chef Eugenia Theodospoulos
and her husband Gilles Combs, they’ve
established two successful cafés capturing
the basic “essence” of France. Eugenia
trained in gay Paris at the celebrated École
Lenôtre. Très chic, n’est-ce pas? Eugenia
was inducted into the Arizona Culinary Hall
of Fame in 2011.
In France, breakfast usually consists of a
croissant and a small, heart-jolting démitasse
of cup of coffee. At Essence, you’ll find
seven entrées you’d rarely find in France,
but the American palates will be happy
with the expanded breakfast fare such
as an Egg Sandwich ($5.50, with ham,
bacon and avocado available for an extra
fee). Scrambled oeufs get an Arizona twist
Huevos Frenchos ($7.50) when eggs are
topped with avocado and salsa.
A recent promenade to their new-ish,
Arcadia-ish location for lunch to try out le
menu was merveilleuxe. What could be plus
française than an petite Quiche Lorraine
with bacon, organic spinach, green onions
and Gruyère cheese? The perfect crust was
dense, and the pie was delicious, although
we wish that the custard shone through a
tad more. The accompanying organic greens
with Zinfandel vinaigrette was so drastically
underdressed it was really just plain, organic
greens. $8.95
Another specialité de la maison is Lemon &
Basil Chicken Salad Sandwich for $8.95.
Cool and creamy, served on a brioche with
cucumber and spinach, it might be almost
perfect. The real star was the Potato Salad
on the side. In a world where there’s a million
recipes for potato salad, this stands out due
to the robust, generous addition of whole
mustard seed, giving it added zip.
In 2009 Tempe said, “Bon jour”
to Essence Bakery, a little
établissement serving breakfast,
lunch and a variety of baked
goods, and outstanding
pastries. Essence specializes
in environmentally friendly
ingredients using organic,
locally procured when
possible with sustainable
farming methods.
50
feta cheese, toasted pecan halves,
sun dried cranberries, organic apples,
jicama, celery and a fantastique sherry
vinaigrette dressing. $8.95
The Old World meets the New World with
the Jalapeño Croque Monsieur for $8.95.
You’ll get the traditional French country
sandwich with baked ham, Gruyère cheese
and béchamel. This gets a Southwestern
spin when they add a few slices of jalapeño
pepper. Our favorite.
The Organic Spinach & Cranberry
Salad has a certain je ne sais quoi that
we loved with the addition of a creamy
It’s a downright sin if you leave without a
pastry. You’ll adore the Petite Fruit Tart
$5.75, a frangipane-filled crust crowned
with raspberries, blueberries and sliced
strawberries, glistening with a fruit glaze.
Of course, you’ll have your choice of
Napoleons, éclairs and other decadent
desserts, too. Essence is renowned
for their magical, classique Macarons.
Created for Catherine de Medici around
1500, no pastry quite captures the
soul of France quite like the macaron.
Complicated and elaborate, only an expert
can master the secret. Choose from a wide
variety of flavors, like pistachio, raspberry
rose, espresso, mint
chocolate, hazelnut,
pink grapefruit, key
lime or more, all in
rainbow of colors.
Small: $1.40 or large,
$3.25.
The Phoenix café is light
and airy, but stark and
deconstructed. Concrete
floors and a high, exposed
ceiling make it loud. Really
loud. A shame it isn’t a bit more
comfortable and inviting. The
staff is pleasant and efficient. A common
observation on Trip Advisor and with other
diners is that Essence is un petit peu chèr.
That means “expensive,” except it sounds
nicer. Oui. It is a tad high for what you get,
so cash in your euro here. Still it’s worth a
splurge.
Maybe Marie Antoinette was
right: “Let ‘em eat cake.”
And Quiche. And Croque
Monsieur. Definitely
macarons. Ooh la la!
TEMPE
825 W. University Dr.
480-996-2745
Tues - Sat: 7 a.m.-3 p.m
Closed Sundays &
Mondays
PHOENIX
3830 E. Indian School Rd.
Phoenix, AZ 85018
602-296-4958
Tues - Sun: 6:30 a.m. - 3 p.m.
Closed Mondays
54
WWW.IONAZ.COM
WWW.IONAZ.COM July
September
2015 2015
AQUA PURA
56
THE PALOMAR HOTEL
ION Weddings
The perfect wedding starts here!
CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN
A TIME FOR CHOCOLATE (602) 628-0390
ATimeForChocolate.com
EVENT PLANNING
EVENTS BY DANIELLE (602) 405-6832
FLORISTS
PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999
7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix
GIFT REGISTRIES
MACY’S BILTMORE (602) 468-2100
2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix
MACY’S FASHION SQ.
(480) 840-0333
7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale
JEWELERS
CORNELIS HOLLANDER (480) 423-5000
4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale
DIAMOND JIM’S
6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772
10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City(602) 977-2299
HOTEL
WYNDHAM GARDEN INN (602) 604-4906
3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix
PHOTOGRAPHERS
SCOTTY KIRBY ScottyKirby.com
(480) 369-4529
FERNANDO HERNANDEZ(602) 622-4792
NightFuse.com
FRANKLIN DIAZ (602) 214-4019
PHOTO BOOTHS
CRAZY SHOTZ
CrazyShotz.com
(602) 487-7066
NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH(480) 766-0349
NoFussPhotoBooths.com
OFFICIANTS
KEVIN BUSHAW
(602) 369-6680
RICHARD STEVENS
(602) 486-6996
TEMPEST DUJOUR [email protected]
TUXEDOS
ROSE TUXEDO
(602) 957-0089
4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix,
To have your business listed here, call
Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164
58
I
t’s not whether you win or lose ... it’s
how you play the game. But winning’s
pretty good. Either way, being part of
a team builds character and creates
camaraderie. And then there’s exercise,
playing out in the fresh air, building strong
muscles, too. Besides that, it’s can be a
lot of fun! The thrill of victory, the agony of
defeat aside. And best of all, you’ll make
lots of friends.
Fall is the perfect time to get involved in
LGBT athletics. Softball, volleyball,
60
Photos by Scotty Kirby
Text by Deon Brown
kickball, flag football ... there’s plenty
of balls to go around for everybody! Be
part of the LGBT sports scene in the
Valley of the Sun! If you’re looking to
be part of a team, ION Arizona has the
perfect Fall Sports Guide here for you
with details about how you can join in
the fun! Go team, go! See you out on
the field and on the court, or pool!
Pictured above: Leslie Harper, Joel
Horton, Rob Repta.
On the Cover: Leslie Harper, Sothy
Chau, Joel Horton, Rob Repta.
“Hey, batter, batter, batter — SWING!” It doesn’t matter
if you’re a pitcher or a catcher, (wink, wink) you’re
bound to hit a home run here. Cactus Cities
is a slow pitch softball league primarily for
the LGBT community for amateur athletes
of all skill levels and abilities. For 20 years
they’ve been “in” on the outfield.
The Bronies and Desert Heat are just
a couple of the teams in this popular
league. Michael Garcia claims that he’s
the “Queen B” of the Bronies. “It doesn’t
sparkle, but I guard this diamond with my
life!”
Waylon Smith has been on
the league since 2007 and
claims, “I’m a versatile
player–I’m comfortable in
several positions.” That’s
the spice of life on or off
the field.
The league plays almost
every Sunday at Cesar
Chavez Park at 35th
Ave & Baseline in
Phoenix. The
Saguaro Cup in April
is the premier baseball tournament of
the Southwest.
62
Fall season play
is from September
13-November 8.
Teammates from
Desert Heat,
John Sanchez &
Aaron Maya
62
Who doesn’t love
getting a few balls
thrown in their
face? Touch base
with the League at
CactusCities.com
Bronies Kohl Eisenhour,
Michael Garcia, Danny
Hoffman, and Waylon
Smith
W
ith a variety of skill levels,
Arizona Gay Volleyball League has
spot in the sand reserved just for
you! Everyone gets a chance to
set and spike.
Don’t think you’ll fit in? Relax.
“Arizona Gay Volleyball is a sports
league that doesn’t discriminate,”
said Robert Wellman. “They allow
everyone, to compete in a wonderful social setting.”
Volleyball is all about big hearts–
and little shorts. “It’s a great place
to grow as a player, but also
personally. I’ve met many great
friends and made close relationships. I hope to these keep
forever,” Jovani Pereyra. Both men
play for the Woodchucks.
65
Desert Volleyball Alliance offers
indoor court volleyball and more,
with open play every Saturday
at Sports Club at City Square,
and League Play Wednesdays at
Christown YMCA.
For the AZGV fall season, registration opens at the Season
Kick-off Party on September 10
at 7 p.m. at Pizza People Pub,
1326 N. Central Ave. Play starts
September 28.
Find out more about Arizona
Gay Volleyball when you visit
AZGV.org
The Desert Volleyball Alliance
Fall Season Registration closes
on September 12 and begins
competetive play September
16th. Visit Desertvolleyball.com
Jovani Pereyra
& Rob Wellman
ot the
Woodchucks
64
A
ll you need is Love. “Before
the game even starts, the score is
‘Love All.’” says Matt Michaelson.
“It’s such a positive way to start
the game.”
Just like falling in love, tennis is
commitment. The Cactus Tennis
Alliance is a social tennis group
for LGBT players and their allies in Phoenix. They sponsor
competitive and social events.
Drop-in Tennis is held on Friday
and Sunday evenings at Phoenix
Tennis Center.
Chris Sierra joined the alliance
as a beginner where he was welcomed. “We all want to channel
our ‘inner Serena,’ when we’re
playing.”
What’s on the horizon for the
League? “We’re all excited that
short-shorts are back in style,”
Sierra said.
“Besides the obvious benefits of
exercise,” Michaelson said, “It’s
a great way to make new friends,
both, on and off the court. It’s also
a great way to ‘catwalk’ your new,
matching tennis gear.” Snap!
66
Drop-in Tennis is held on
Friday and Sunday evenings at
Phoenix Tennis Center,
6330 N. 21st Ave.
Matt Michaelson &
Chris Sierra
H
ere’s a sport that’s right up
your “alley!” Not only that, the
shoes are cute, too.
With six leagues participating in
the Phoenix Unified Gay Bowling
Alliance (PUGBA) you’ve got a
prime opportunity to meet lots of
people and have fun. Find out all
about “hambones” and “golden
turkeys.” Games and tournaments are held at Let It Roll! at
8925 N. 12th St. in Phoenix.
There’s an opportunity to hit the
lanes almost every night of the
week and bowlers are of age with
a wide variety of experience level
from novice to lane shark.
69
Bowling has allowed me to meet
great people while having a great
time. That’s the way I roll!” said
Jennifer Katz.
Stacy Louis is thrilled to be a
new board member at PUGBA.
He sponsors several teams
and happy to share Stacy’s @
Melrose as an event space for
bowlers and their parties.
68
Need a good reason to bowl? “I
like handling balls and knocking
things over. It just makes sense,”
said Tanner Cordell. If you’ve
got 15 pound balls, make sure
you walk carefully. Now, get your
mind out of the “gutter,” people!
Tanner Cordell, Stacy
Louis, Rudy Basoco,
Jennifer Katz, Amanda
Pepin & Joen Romero
Martinez
68
For more information about
how you can get involved
visit PUGBA.org
“I’ve gained friends and a few bruises
along the way, but I wouldn’t trade
them for the world,” says Marcus Tan.
F
irst and foremost, rugby is a state of
mind and spirit. It’s like war, but without the
frills. Rough and tumble, this game is all
about developing bonds, too. “It’s a brotherhood like no other,” said Ismael Avalos. “We
sweat and get dirty together as brothers.”
“My favorite part is being able to take my
frustrations from the
week here on people
every Saturday–and
not go to jail,”
said Marqueles
Graham.
Interested? Meet the men at Colter
Park for Phoenix Storm Rugby Boot
Camp Saturday, September 19 from
9am to noon, and join in the fun and
violence–in a brotherly way.
Boot Camp is our orientation day
where we explain to all those interested in playing and joining in on all the
activities of the storm can learn Rugby
101, do some simple basic drills,
exercise and get a feel for what they
can expect with playing
with the Storm.
For more information find them on
Facebook.
71
Marcus Tan,
Lorenzo Alonzo,
Ismael Avalos,
Marquelus Graham,
and “Nappi”
70
W
ith nearly a dozen teams
and almost 200 players in the
Valley, Friends with Benefits
Kickball League created a terrific
opportunity for players to go to
a beautiful park nearly every
Sunday morning and run around
on the field, chasing other people
and kicking a big, red ball. Yelling
and screaming is encouraged.
Sometimes snacks are served.
And beverages. (It usually ain’t
Kool Aid.)
Each team develops their own
personality. Release the Kraken!
The Bunt Pirates don’t exactly sail
the Seven Seas, but they know
how to seize the booty, matey!
“What’s not to love about a bunch
of tipsy people gathered specifically for ridiculousness and
sweating?” asked Paige Spencer.
73
“I love connecting with the
Phoenix gay community in such
a unique and fun way. It’s a great
option outside of going to the
bars,” said Wes Scruggs.
See what it’s all about! The new
season begins September 13
at Steele Indian School Park.
For more information go to
FWBkickball.com
Paige Spencer,
Wes Scruggs,
Ryan Martin,
& DJ Larson
72
F
eel like practicing the Australian
Crawl, Butterfly or Breaststroke? Even
if you Doggy Paddle you can meet
with other LGBT swimming
enthusiasts at Christown YMCA on
Thursday nights. 5517 N. 17th Ave.
Bring Your Own Speedo!
F
or over 25 years
this LGBT league of dart
players has been hitting the
bull’s-eye and raising thousands
of dollars for worthy charities.
Find out where to meet by visiting GLADphxAZ.org
74
76
WWW.IONAZ.COM June 2015
League play is on Saturdays at
Coronado Park, 1717 N. 12th
St. in Phoenix . For more information check out PhoenixFlagFootball.com or search
for their page on Facebook.
Fall season begins September 11.
Hurry! Gay Bowl XV is October 9-11
in San Diego. You won’t want to
miss out.
We want the PGFFL to be a welcoming
community, safe for anyone to join and play
regardless of who you are or your experience,” said Rob Repta. “Much more
important are the lives that our sport
changes and the bonds that form. It’s
not just a league, it’s a family.”
amaraderie. Sportsmanship. Personal
Growth. Sure, that’s great! But don’t forget
about all the fun! With flag football you don’t
have the cumbersome helmets and pads,
either. You’ll also get a great work out on the
field.
C
July 2015
#HOOKER
78
80
SATURDAY NIGHT STARLETS
IBT’S
PARTY CAM
IONTUCSON
IONBISBEE
82
SEPTEMBER 2015
Vol. 9, Issue 6
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
New KFC “Colonel”
Bernie
Sanders.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Louisville,
KENTUCKY
– Fabled fast
food giant KFC
appointed Vermont
independent senator
and democratic
socialist as well as
U.S. presidential
hopeful Bernard
“Bernie Sanders”
as the kindly new
spokesperson for the
poultry peddlers of
Southern deep fried
goodness formerly
known as calorific
Kentucky Fried
Chicken.
OUTRAGEOUS!
SNL alum Norm
MacDonald recently
acted as shills for
KFC as a reincarnated
“Colonel Sanders.
“We feel Colonel
Senator Bernie
Sanders is a perfect
choice. With over
18,500 restaurants in
over 100 countries
across the world
and his quest for the
powerful office on
the planet and leader
of the Free World,
why wouldn’t he be
appointed as the ‘new
Colonel?’ said one
anonymous source.
Corporate mother
cluckers feel that
As “Colonel” Sanders
reviving the image
of the
representative
will have access to
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
the chicken’s recipe
of the Grand and
Glorious Old
using 11 secret herbs
and spices. If he wins the U.S. presidential
South with a “chip off the old block” of the
company’s founder, Col. Harland Sanders, who election he’ll also have the ability to utilize
nuclear warheads and kill every single living
passed away in 1980, would be a shot in the
chicken on the planet.
arm (and wing) for the chain, lagging a distant
second behind Chick-Fil-A.
OUTRAGEOUS!
NBC Saturday Night Live comedian Darrell
Hammond and untalented, out of work
84
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
May 2012 WWW.IONAZ.COM
85
OUTRAGEOUS!
ISIS Jihadists Debut
“Sunni Girl” Doll
OUTRAGEOUS!
Aleppo, SYRIA – Salafi jihadist extremist
militant groups and self-proclaimed
Islamic state and caliphate officials
manufactured and presented the official
“Sunni Girl” doll for a generation of
excited young girls across Syria, Iraq,
Libya, Nigeria and other insurgent
states.
Laundress, or Hazimah the One
Who Is Not as Ugly as Her Sister,
Maqsooda, will offer each girl
child teachable moments for years
to come.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Dolls have a variety of fashions
to choose from. “We have hijabs
and full-body burqas for
dolls,” said designer
As-Salamu Alaykum.
“They come in an
TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
many exciting
hues of
black.”
“This is a huge
step to make
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO THE TRUTH IS
young
girls feel
included as part
of idealogy
and jihadist
beliefs,” said
The first
marketing
Sunni Girl
director and
Doll store
terrorist
opened
with great
development
fanfare last month at
vice
Aleppo Fashion Square.
president AbuYoung
girls lined up for hours
Mohammed
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY
to get theirACCIDENTAL
very own Taalluf
al-Zawahiri.
“Our
and Naadirah dolls.
Sunni Girl dolls
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
are supreme
and
Each Sunni Girl Doll also comes
indefectible examples
with a removable head for easy
of Islamic insurgency.
execution.
As long as they are
subservient and obey.”
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
“Sunni Girl” dolls like
Aneezah the Goat Girl,
Fuseylah the Expert
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
DRAG STARZ FAN FAVES
O R P H E U M T H E AT R E
PARTY CAM
I
n every family tree, there’s
always that one broken branch that leaves
us with splintered hearts. For some of
my readers, that branch is their deadbeat
dad. Therefore, this month’s installment of
Favorite Bitch® is all about daddies. And
these sperm donors are only good for one
thing ... a name on a birth certificate!
Dear Miss Tiger,
My estranged father is upset because
I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 72. I refuse to
choose between them. Help!
— Amber In Las Vegas
Dear Who Needs A Father When You
Have A Sugar Daddy,
While most couples your age are picking
out matching tattoos, it looks like you and
your Boo will be shopping for side-by-side
burial plots!
P.S.
Amber, I don’t know about you, but when
I take my ass to bed, my man bettah be
taking out the anaconda and not his
goddamn teeth!
Dear Miss Tiger,
My dad is super jealous of my new
stepfather. I need your fierce advice!
— Bryan
Dear Werk It Like A Drag Queen Needing
Pageant Money,
Dads are like cereal boxes. Go with the
one with the better free prize!
92
Dear Miss Tiger,
My dad bought me a car and the engine
blew out four days later. I’m stranded and
he won’t pay to get it fixed. Why won’t he do
something about the mess he got me into?
— Kevin
Dear I See A Trip To AutoZone In Your
Future,
If your raggedy daddy barely had enough
money to buy a broke-down hooptie, what
in THE HELL makes you think he has the
money to get it fixed?
Dear Miss Tiger,
A day before my wedding, my dad pulled
me aside and said he felt my fiancé was
gay! I thought he was making it up just to
stop me from marrying him. Despite my
dad’s warning, I got married anyway. Dad
was recently downtown and claims he saw
my husband leaving three different gay
bars. Should I confront him about it?
-Sharon
Dear Father Knows Best,
To hell with confronting your husband.
You need to be bulldozing ya daddy up
out the closet!
How does he know where all the gay
bars are ... unless he himself has been
sashaying all up in them. If you ask
me, the only man in your life gagging
on eggplant is your darling dad. Here’s
some advice you can really use - keep
that husband of yours away from that
old queen! When daddy advised you not
to marry him it wasn’t because he cared
about you, darling. He wanted your man
for his damn self!
MISS TIGER
Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio
personality ... and everyone’s
#FAVORITEBITCH
Website FavoriteBitch.com
Facebook /MissTiger
Advice [email protected]
by Sean Kapera
@ Synergistic Studios
SynergisticStudios.com
Ricky Cruz
94
FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS
Model, Skater
Portland, OR
by Addison DeWitt
I
t’s a sad, sad
world when you
can’t even enjoy
the company of an
attractive companion
for a few hours for
a predetermined
fee, strictly for the
company of their
pleasure–I mean,
“pleasure of their
company.” The
scandal over
the seizure
and closure of
RentBoy.com
in New York
City will severely
B
affect the bank
accounts of several
professional dates here
in Arizona. I’d publish their names,
but whereas they have no problem
displaying their pulchritudes
on the World Wide Web or in
XXX rated blue movies for
discerning adults over 18,
they get all pissy when they
see their names in print with
their picture here in
ION. And it isn’t even
their real name! Go
figure! (Everything is
is 100% real!)
The good news is with
Rentboy.com yanked
offline, that I’m saving
lots and lots of money. But
now I yank alone.
Once again our city was
taken by storm when
celebrity queens from RuPaul’s Drag
Race put on a showcase with spangles,
96
bangles, baubles and beads at the
Orpheum Theatre. I spotted the
handsome, hunktacular Emm Jay
after the show being mauled by
season 7 finalist Pearl. (A)
The question begs: Emm Jay
paints his face to look like
a Cardinal when he goes
to football games. Yes, he
looks sort of like, well, an
angry bird. (B) In that case,
as a enthusiast of female
A
impersonation, why doesn’t
Emm Jay wear lipstick, rouge
and false eyelashes when he
goes to these shows so he’d look
sort of like a lady? I don’t get it. I like
to dress like an altar boy when I go to
church sometimes, now that RentBoy.com
is shut down, but that’s for other reasons.
After the show that darling
professional masseur (not the
RentBoy.com type of “masseur.” He’s
legit.) Tanner Cordell (C) cozied up
with Latrice Royale, Joslyn Fox
and Pearl, where he went to their
hotel room and played ... board
games. Yes. Life on the road
is lonely and drag queens play
board games. My question to
Tanner: Did you play (Poop)
C
Chutes and Ladders or (Hide Yo’)
Candyland?
A little bird (not a Cardinal) told me that
Tanner played another kind of a game
called “Spin the Bottle” where he
made out with Pearl. (Reports
are that she’s a good really good
kisser.)
Tanner, I’m not one to kiss
‘n’ tell, but don’t let Emm Jay
know about these shenanigans
with Pearl. He just might dress up in his
Cardinal outfit and peck your eyes out.
T
he total Lunar Eclipse on September
28 turbo charges that same Super Moon
of the evening, the second of three this
year, making it the closest one to Earth in
2015. Expect it to liberate your mind. Avoid
an overdose of brainstorming. Too much
media might fry your mind, so beware of
overstimulation. Bad idea to go shopping for
clothes, but a good idea to pull a “Britney”
and cut your hair. This September is one for
prostitutes and skeptics to rejoice!
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
Decisions, decisions ... your quick-witted
and able to think on your feet when you’re
faced with a choice. A choice that could
alter your life forever. Not really, but it’s
something you need to consider carefully.
Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20
People know that you’re reliable and
trustworthy. For you, it’s peace at any cost.
And, boy, it’s gonna cost you plenty this
month. Are you hiding something? Your
truthful nature helps you out.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You have the cunning ability of a fox. You’re
lively and versatile, beyond as a “top” or
“bottom.” You’re inquisitive mind gets you
into a tight spot. What we’re trying to say is
mind your own business this month.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Natural intuition gives you an inside edge
in most situations. Your ability to follow your
gut instinct will get you out of a jam. Your
shrewd and cautious nature pays off. You
get something you’ve been wanting.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
People know you as liberal and
openminded–even if you’re a Republican.
Your enthusiasm is contagious and you
inspire someone when you reach out. Just
don’t get too grabby. We hate it when you
get grabby and hands-y.
98
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
People think of you as modest and shy.
Sometimes it comes across as “fussy.” Don’t
be that way. If it’s your birthday, the partial
solar eclipse on the 13th jumpstarts the right
side of your brain. Watch out in this left brain
dominant world. It can be scary.
Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
Diplomacy is your middle name. You’d be a
great ambassador because you can charm
the pants off of anybody. You frequently do
just that. A birthday finds you flirting with a
United Nations of potential lovers.
Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23
Passion and excitement are the buzzwords
for you this month. Determination pays off:
you get what you’re going after. Will your
own jealousy sabotage the plan? Someone
reveals a secret obsession about you.
Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23
Everything is sunnyside up. The glass is
always half-full. Don’t let this interfere with
your judgment. You’re acting a little careless
mid-month, but will be able to rectify a
tactical blunder, blaming it on some idiot
who deserves to go down. In a big way.
Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20
People call you “Mary Poppins” behind your
back. Why? Because you’re “practically
perfect in every way.” Your discipline and
reserve is admirable, but it also makes you
a little bitchy. Ease up on the “perfection”
stuff. It drives imperfect people crazy.
Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
Originality and inventiveness are hallmarks
of your quirky personality. Your “Smarty
Pants” intellectualism makes people
feel slightly inferior, so ease up on the
Encyclopedia Brittanica crap. Keep it real,
dog. Know what I’m sayin’?
Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
Compassion and kindness make you a
regular Mother Teresa. But, c’mon! We know
that you’re secretly open to suggestions.
Sometimes those suggestions are racy.
Follow someone’s suggestion with caution.

PAST_ISSUES_files/171 september ionaz Web

Transcription

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