A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after

JUST FOR FUN
ITEM
PERILS OF A CHURCH UPBRINGING
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Church, my
eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city
these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would
somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the
sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge
to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured
worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's
condition.
Author
Source
Issue
Unknown
Submitted by Karen Davis GHC Monday
Alto
20140606
Unknown
Submitted by Audrey Glynn GHC Monday
Soprano
20140523
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"
So I did.
I won't be at Church this week.
I HAVE TO PASS THIS CLASS!
Unknown
A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I have to pass this class," she pleads.
Submitted by Bill Hanson GHC Bass etc.
after a about 40 minutes of Google
searches on various phrases that
included “humor” and only finding jokes
that were too salacious but funny and
non-salacious ones that weren’t. This
one finally caught a balance that tickled
my funny bone.
The professor looks at his grade book and shakes his head. "You've missed
most lectures, you haven't done the homework, and the one paper you wrote
was terrible -- it shows you don't know the material."
"But you don't understand!" she says. "If I don't pass your class, I can't
graduate."
"The final is 50 percent of your grade," the professor says. "If you get 95
percent, you would end up with a D, which is passing."
"I would do anything to pass the final," she says.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "I would do anything!"
"Anything?" he says, returning her intense gaze. "Do you really mean
...anything?"
"Absolutely!" she says, finally smiling broadly.
His voice turns to a whisper: "Would you... study?"
THE SQUEEZER
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money. Many people had tried over time:
weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little
fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small
voice, " I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender said "OK
"and grabbed the lemon, squeezing it dry. Then he handed the shrivelled remains to the
little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered,
the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what? "The little fellow quietly replied: "I
work for Canada Revenue Agency."
Unknown
Submitted by Bill Hanson from a
cyber-forward received from
Victoria musician Graeme Card
20140425
(It seemed appropriate for the end of April but perhaps not as funny as it might be
some other time of the year)
Unknown
SINGING FROG
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
Submitted by Audrey Glynn GHC
Monday Soprano
FOR BETTER OR
FOR WORSE
Submitted by Bill Hanson
GHC Bass etc. from an email
forwarded by Tom Ovanin
HNC Bass
Unknown
Submitted by Bill Hanson GHC
Bass etc. (found on
http://www.jokesgalore.com)
20140411
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar,
across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks
the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches
into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the
frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A
stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger
the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are
you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
HOW TO MAKE A SAMMICH
Mr. Bean
Submitted by Bill Hanson GHC Bass
(with thanks to Tom Ovanin,
HNC member, forwarding it to
me through the wilds of
cyberspace)
20140110
Unknown
Submitted by Audrey Glynn GHC Monday
Soprano
20131220
http://www.snotr.com/video/7159/How_to_make_a_good_Sandwich
A LITTLE LEVITY TO KICK THE SEASON OFF
The Night Before Christmas
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
Not a hipster was swinging, not even old Dad;
The chimney was hung in the stocking routine,
In hopes that “The Fat Man” would soon make the scene;
The moon and the snow were, like, faking together,
Which made the scene rock in the Day People weather,
When, what to these peepers should come on real queer,
But a real crazy sleigh, and eight swinging reindeer,
As sidemen in combos pick up as they stomp,
When they swing with the beat of a Dixieland romp,
So up to the top of my bandstand they flew,
With the sleigh full of loot, and St. Nicholas, too.
His lids-Man, they sizzled! His dimples were smiles!
His cheeks were like “Dizzy’s,” his break was like “Miles!”
His puckered-up mouth was, like, blowing flat E,
And his chin hid behind a real crazy goatee!
He blew not a sound, but skipped right to his gig,
And stashed all the stockings, then came on real big,
And flashing a sign, like that old “Schnozzle” bit,
And playing it hip, up the chimney he split;
And then, in a quick riff, I dug on the roof,
The jumpin’ and jivin’ of each swinging hoof.
As I pulled in my noggin, and turned around fast,
Down the chimney came Nick like a hot trumpet blast.
The tip of a butt he had snagged in his choppers,
And he took a few drags just like all cool be-boppers;
He had a weird face, and a solid reet middle
From: MAD
Magazine 1960
20131220
That bounced when he cracked, like a gutbucket fiddle!
He was wrapped up to kill, Man, a real kookie dresser!
And his rags were, like, way out! Pops! He was a gasser!
A sack full of goodies hung down to his tail,
And he looked like a postman with “Basie’s” fan mail.
He was shaking with meat, meaning he was no square,
And I flipped, ‘cause I’d always thought he was “longhair!”
But the glint in his eye and the beat in his touch
Soon gave me the message this cat was “too much!”
He flew to his skids, to his group blew a lick,
And they cut out real cool, on a wild frenzied kick.
But I heard him sound off, with a razz-a-ma-tazz:
“A cool Christmas to all, and , like all of that jazz!”
THE KEYBOARD.
Cartoonist Frank Wells
SLURP!
Unknown
Submitted by Bill Hanson GHC Bass etc
Submitted by Audrey Glynn GHC
Monday Soprano
20131206
20131122
MINORS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A MAJOR
Submitted by Matti Anttila former
GHC Bass
20131108
NEW MATTER DISCOVERED
Submitted by Bill Hanson GHC
Bass etc. (Found on Kim Lyon's
(ex-wife #2) Facebook Timeline.)
20131025
Doormats with a Difference
Submitted by Peter Meyer GHC Thursday
Bass
2-131-11
STRANGE BREED
Submitted by Bill Hanson from a
cyber forward
20130927
Unknown
PENGUINS SING TOO!
Some very interesting facts about dead penguins that I never knew!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely
ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate
for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social
circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
A cyber forward from Susan Lea GHC
Tuesday Alto
20130913
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins,
did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
Oh quit whining I fell for it, too