Issue 10 - Hamilton College

the
Duel Observer
Volume XXII, Issue X
“Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.”
November 8, 2013
Students Send Dick Pics to CampPo
Oh, that’s why it’s called TipNow?
H amPoll Discovers 85%
of Students Nearing
Brink of Survey-Induced
Breakdown
Sends out one more for reliability
By Mr. Johnson ’14
Public Outreach Dept.
(KIRNER-JOHNSON) Hamilton students
have been left reeling in recent weeks under
a constant barrage of survey requests from a
wide variety of sources, including a Sociological
Methods class, a Sociological Theory class, Sociological Fuckin-Around class, the Levitt Center, the Career Center, the SportsCenter, and the
League of Extraordinary Darksiders.
Some students complained that said surveys
felt overly invasive; female students reported being especially suspicious of the survey about preferred sexual acts and positions and its request
for a video attachment. “I don’t even understand
what Roleplaying Club was going to do with that
information,” Katalina Hosenberg ’15 remarked.
Admittedly, not all students found the questions so intrusive. “I’m actually pretty okay with
Student Walks Across
H amilton M ap
Wakes up in a new Bugatti
By Mr. Nader ’17
Swag Dept.
Last Football Game Forecast
(VIP SECTION, DA CLUB) Alexander Hood
’16 found his hangover alleviated by the fact that
he woke up in a new Bugatti Sunday morning.
Hood was having a mediocre drunken night
and decided to blow off some steam by walking straight across the Hamilton map instead
of inconveniently circumventing it, as most students do. Hood was immediately surrounded by
astounded students who immediately declared
him their god and started cheering, “Fight the
system!” Sometime between then and morning,
Hood somehow acquired his 2014 Bugatti Veyron.
The situation was fairly confusing. What
bank in its right mind would finance a drunk college student to buy a new Bugatti? But Mr. Hood
didn’t seem to mind, claiming that “Haters gonna
hate” and “That seems like a problem for future
1st quarter 2nd quarter
it. I just want to know why they’re all so interested in my sex life,” Timothy Maighdean ’17 said.
“Do they, like, want to get Opus sometime? Or
meet at a Bundy party? I would even settle for
mutual lusting from afar.”
Hamilton administration has announced a
ban on any further surveys, hoping to maintain
whatever mental stability the student body has
left. “Surveys suck anyhow,” embittered college
spokesperson John Nitterman Jr. said. “We’ve
got what, like 200 students? Just go talk to the
kids, you lazy asses.”
At press time, the students of Historic
Counseling Psychology were looking forward
to practicing their skills on actual mentally collapsed individuals, predicting that skull-boring
to release their cranial demons would help the
majority of patients. The Counseling Center
agreed and was “warming up the drills.”
Like this article? Hate this article? Go on our website to take our 363-question survey on why you enjoyed it, why you hated it, what we can do better,
what you can do better, how you’ve disappointed the
majority of those you’ve ever felt close to, and yes, all
the sex you aren’t having.
Alexander
Hood to worry
about.”
“What
am I going to
say about the
Hamilton map GPS comes pre-loaded with Rick
Ross’s voice for directions.
now?” tour
guide Mary Johnson ’15 asked. “Before I could
say, ‘Don’t walk across the map or you won’t
graduate on time,’ and so no one walked across
the circle. Now what do I say, ‘Don’t walk across
the circle, or you will wake up in a new Bugatti”?
“I rely on that map to navigate the campus!”
Tim Smith ’17 said. “Now it will be eroded by the
countless feet stomping over its luxurious carvings. How will I be able to find my way to class?”
Dean of Admissions Monica Inzer was very
blasé about the entire situation. “The sucker still
isn’t gonna graduate in four years. How is he going to get any homework done when he is up to
his neck in hoes? In other news, I know what I’m
riding tonight.”
post-game
“If you can’t say
anything nice,
don’t say anything at all.”
Student with Late Registration
Time Reevaluates Life Goals
“Why not take that Underwater Basket Weaving
class? It’s writing intensive!”
By Ms. Wilson ’14
Medieval and Renaissance Studies Dept.
(BEHIND THE TIMES) Andrew Williamson ’17 was
planning on double majoring in Economics and Government.
All of this changed the instant Williamson received his 4:45
pm registration time. “I didn’t even know registration went
that late,” Williamson complained. “And they won’t budge
about moving it earlier—even after I threw a few Hamiltons
in Dean Orvis’s direction.”
After meeting with his advisor, Williamson realized that
he was going to have to figure out more than just his classes—he had to reconstruct his whole outlook on life.
Williamson’s Economics advisor, Professor Greg Nitty,
pointed out, “Unfortunately, we have a surplus of smart kids
wanting to major in Economics. The supply and demand just
doesn’t add up. We’re at a theoretical loss here.” His head
then exploded.
The Government department chair added, “Yeah, there’s
no way that kid is getting into International Relations with
any time after 7:45 am.”
Williamson decided to explore more obscure and “creative” options. “At first I had no use for Ancient Greek,
but then I thought YOLO. Or, as the Greeks would say,
ϒΘΛΘ. I’m even planning on taking a chemistry class. If I can’t get
employed on Wall Street, I might
have to take a more Breaking Bad
approach to making money.”
Among other courses Williamson is considering are Sociology of the Japanese Pond Beetle,
The Symbolism of Rainbows, Help me clean out my backyard
Geology of a Modern-Day Professor’s Backyard and Garage,
Experiments in Sexuality (with a hands-on lab requirement),
and The Controversial History of the Cider Mill Donut.
After discovering there is more to WebAdvisor than
courses aimed at preparing students for gainful employment,
Williamson considered switching his concentration to Dance
or Art. “I just realized I have a lot of feelings that need to be
expressed. Now that my hopes and dreams of a quality education and decent job have been crushed, I might as well spend
my time letting those feelings out,” Williamson explained.
The mysterious entity known only as “The Registrar”
concluded, “WebAdvisor glitches and shitty registration
times are the key to creating the open minded individuals
we strive for at Hamilton.”
In this issue: sur vey s, dr ugs, sur veys, and dr ugs
Career Center Sponsors Film
See “The other 50% of grads need jobs
too,” pg. 18.
A Word from Our Sponsors
Come buy literally anything.
Please. We’re begging you.
The Eternal Observer
A Brief Interview Before
We M ake Out
Beverly Smith ’14 is a Psychology major at Hamilton. Before sex, she has her potential partners fill out a short quiz.
This is it:
By Ms. Simons ’16
•
Name…………… Class Year……….. Gender.........
Remember, there are no wrong answers.
•
Why are you looking to fill this position today?
•
Please list your references (aka prior girlfriends, one
night stands, etc.)
•
Would you consider yourself a fan of Dave Matthews Band?
•
Rank your STDs from 1 to Gonorrhea.
•
When was the last time you called your mother?
•
When was the last time you cried? I mean, really
cried?
•
• Ever get the urge to go streaking, but could never fully commit?
• Want to get to know proper streaking technique?
• Anyone ever say that the right half of your body is immaculately sculpted?
Did you sleep with my best friend Sarah last week?
Seriously, did you? I’ll know if you’re lying.
•
Then join the Junior Varsity Streaking Team!
Just be warned – I have fetishes. How comfortable
are you with dressing up in an infant’s clothing?
How about pretending to be a piece of furniture? I
am also turned on by farting and mucus.
•
Is global warming real? Please provide a thorough
argument for or against.
•
Please note if you are claustrophobic or have a heart
condition.
•
All who are interested will meet behind the hobo hut, old truck, and glass pyramid
in the Glen.
Are you comfortable with me taking a sample of
your blood?
•
And lastly, how strongly will I regret this tomorrow?
Please come wearing the left half of a shirt and a single pant leg. Belts can be used
to hold half of your modesty in place.
Found half-completed by Mr. Burns ’17
STREAKERS WANTED!
• Learn how to make those awesome masks!
• Build friendships with people whose faces you cannot see!
• Experience the freedom of nudity with the safety of left pockets!
Half-assed streakers are also welcome!
Found in Buttrick Hall by Mr. Wesley ’16
My Emerson Grant
Presentation: Like, what
IS smell, y ’know?
An invitation to a summer research presentation by James L. Turin ’14
Dear friends, faculty, and associated colleagues,
I invite you to come to the presentation of my summer
research based on the age-old question: What, for chrissake, is smell? I mean have you ever thought about it?
Have you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. The following is
a short synopsis of my research.
The phenomenon of sniffing—of taking up odors into
our blessed nostrils—first struck me when I was behind
Bundy Dining Hall vomiting last spring. I was leaning
over and thrusting my head toward the ground in a heave
of masculinity when I caught a whiff of something: dry
chicken mixed with Everclear and bile. (Editors Note: See
Scratch & Sniff sticker for sample.) It was intoxicating and
enveloping and suddenly I got to thinking, what am I
even doing to smell this? Like, is this a choice? Like, am
I the one causing the smell just because I think it’s there?
And then I thought, I wonder if anyone would pay me to
figure this out.
Outside The Bubble News
All the news you should already know, but don’t
Eastern Seaboard, United States
Democratic candidates took key elections in New York
City, Boston, and Virginia, with moderate Conservative
Chris Christie taking the New Jersey governorship. If only
more people had read Enquiry.
Toronto, ON
Toronto Mayor Drake Rob Ford admitted to smoking crack
cocaine on Tuesday. Ford commented, “Hey, at least we don’t
have mandatory minimums.”
So when I started my research I just dove right in, nasal cavity first. I smelled buildings and people. I smelled
fruits and vegetables. I smelled some old woman, who
then called the police. I smelled my ex-high-schoolgirlfriend’s lock of hair I’ve kept in my pillow for the last
five years and then cried myself to sleep for three hours.
But the real breakthrough came when I smelled a little
devil called benzoylmethylecgonine, or to the common
man, cocaine.
Scratch &
Sniff Here
the Duel Observer
John Kevin Boudreau
Editor-in-Chief/ Mikael Blomkvist
Nathaniel Benedict lanman
Editor-out-Chief/ Henrik Lundqvist
Holy shit was that amazing. For my research, I mean.
It just opened so many doors into the world of smelling and things to be smelled. I smelled so much of that
magical, research-propelling drug that my $4,000 ran
out in three weeks. And then Hamilton wouldn’t give
me any more funding—those stone age bureaucrats! So
with the last of my resources, and the last of my little
helper, I constructed a 150 page epic poem on the subject of smelling with an accompanying short film called
The White Savior. It’ll blow your mind.
Sarbina Esther Yurkofsky
Managing Editor/ Ingrid Bergman
john patrick kennedy
Layout Editor/ Zlatan Ibrahimovic
charlotte hiniker simons
Artiste/ Leif Ericson
Bruce Springsteen
The Boss
Senior Staff Writers
John andrew carlysle johnson
Sarah Alexandra Caswell
collin joseph spinney
Presentation of this research will be co-sponsored by the
F.I.L.M. series and take place in the back KJ elevator at
2:45am on Tuesday, November 19.
Staff Writers
J. Andrew Phillip Schnacky
Hannah Curtis Chappell
Adam patrick gwilliam
nathan taylor goebel
Samuel Clifford Wagner
wynn Rose van dusen
ZoË Biggé Bodzas
Brian Patrick burns
elizabeth danesi wilson
Found in the Health Center waiting room trash by Mr.
Spinney ’16.
Stockholm, Sweden
The Swedish national government rolled out a new
movie rating system including the Bechdel test, which
means it must have at least two named characters who
talk to each other about something other than a man.
Jane Austen is super disappointed.
R ejected R ed Weather
By Mr. Johnson ’14
Beautiful neon leaves,
I’m embraced in nature’s rave:
utz utz utz utz utz
Contributors
Benjamin Kumar Wesley
John-Eric A. Nader
Copy Editors
Kim Wang
Stephen Fain riopelle
Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is published every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true
or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or
imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences.
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