Issue 109 - Purchase College

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ISSUE 109
Enter The Lewinter
Math Prof Moonlights As Sensei
By Patrick Cassels
V.P. Candidate
Addresses Student
Concerns Over
Fraternities
By Bill Reese and Steven Tartick
Students on the PSGA Senate had an
opportunity to meet with one of the candidates
for the Vice President For Student
A ffairs/Associate Provost for Academic
Learning position vacated earlier this year by
Ron Herron.
Robert Cabello, currently the Vice
President for Student Affairs and Enrollment
Management at Broward Community College
in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, answered the
announcement posted in the Chronicle of
Higher Education and submitted his resume to
Purchase early this year.
Though Cabello is undoubtedly a very
qualified candidate for the position, what interested, or in some cases, concerned members
of the student senate was Cabello's longtime
involvement with different fraternity groups on
INSIDE:
campuses where he has studied and worked in
his 25 years in education.
In his resume, which was sent to students
on the PSGA senate, Cabello lists numerous
references to Greek organizations at a number
of colleges. As the Assistant Dean of Student
Services at Stockton State College, he established Stockton's Fraternity and Sorority system (in addition to a health services department and a drug awareness program).
He is credited with being the advisor to a
number of Greek life organizations, including a
three year stint as the grand chapter advisor
for Alpha Sigma Phi at the University of Miami.
He's won numerous awards from fraternal
organizations, including the citations from
Alpha Sigma Phi, Phi Kappa Theta at Western
Illinois, Alpha Sigma Kappa at Illinois State.
When his name and the word "fraternity"
was Googled, an article about the early days of
a Phi-Alpha Zeta chapter at Eastern Illinois
University came up. According to the article,
Cabello was quite instrumental in the establishment of that fraternity at Eastern Illinois. "Bob
Cabello was EIU’s fraternity adviser at the time
and he took us under his wing and helped us
Continued on Page 7...
Athletes
Starving for
Attention
For the last decade Purchase students
have gathered in room 1059 of the Natural
Sciences building on Thursday nights. Desks
are pushed aside as Marty Lewinter, the unmistakable black-belt, leather-jacket-clad professor
of mathematics, foregoes the daytime lessons
on compound fractions for nighttime instruction
on compound fractures—as in those inflicted on
one's foe.
From 10 to 11 p.m. the classroom is transformed into the Shotokan dojo, where Sensei
Lewinter trains willing students in the 140-yearold school of karate free of charge.
"Shotokan is an aggressive style emphasizing power and beauty," said Lewinter, who
had no reservations in demonstrating the martial art and displayed various maneuvers in his
Natural Sciences office. "It's a polished art," he
continued between rapid mid-air punches,
"something I stress to my students."
Also stressed in Lewinter's dojo, which
requires no registration and open to spectators,
is the defensive nature of Shotokan. As sensei,
the professor considers karate a purely defensive measure and demands his students
employ it as a "last resort."
"Live and let live," said the sensei.
Despite his philosophy, Lewinter, a fourthdegree black belt, regrettably recalls employing
his skills growing up in Brooklyn. An orthodox
Jew, he found himself the victim of harassment
on the streets of Flatbush and claims to have
ultimately retaliated against his boyhood tormentors.
Said Lewinter: "That was the last time they
tried to take my yarmulke."
More recently, Lewinter claims to have
employed his black belt against 3 Manhattan
assailants, one armed with a lead pipe. "Once I
was sure they were out to hurt me, I made a
pre-emptive attack. If I had hesitated, there's a
good chance I wouldn't be here now."
In lieu of payment, Lewinter demands discipline and diligence from his students, who
describe their sensei as "strict" and "disciplined" but "remarkably approachable and dedicated" to even the most novice dojo member.
Continued on Page 9...
Abortion
Battle
Rages in
S. Dakota
Introducing
the Indy
Inquirerer
LETTERS TO THE INDY
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I was offended by The Blast when it aired on
PTV, but I'm more offended about how some students
at Purchase have handled the situation. All Billy Prinsell
wanted was attention. He was pushing people's buttons trying to get a reaction, and a reaction is exactly
what he got. He's been all over the news, in the Indy, in
countless e-mails. And for what? Does news coverage
make Purchase a more tolerant place? Of course not.
All of this attention only validates Billy's Show. As a person who's dealt with bullies all of my life, I know one
when I see one. Billy is a bully, and all he wanted was
to prod and tease certain people, and what bullies get
off on is when people react in negative ways. In addition, I felt the conclusion of Dexter Wiseman's article
was absolutely insulting. Every student who appeared
on the show should be expelled? Sir, I know for a fact
that you were down at the studio after the show threatening people with a baseball bat and that you broke
PTV property in a temper tantrum. PTV did not press
charges, but they should have. Shame on you, Mr.
Wiseman. Shame on you for giving Billy Prinsell just
what he wanted: more attention.
-Scott Oliver Saintjohn
***
Have you ever been sitting in class when the
teacher decides to pass out something, like an article
or just something interesting they found? My favorite
part of class is when the teacher passes out these
handouts and the whole class goes into frenzy, their
brain starts to malfunction and eyes glaze over, hands
are shaky and clumsily fumbling the sheets of paper.
The once simple task of distributing papers becomes
treacherous and almost impossible. I remember sitting
in a class and the teacher passed out about three sets
of Xeroxed papers and everyone froze, started looking
around confused and flustered, furiously thinking about
which way to pass the papers that would be the most
constructive, but they failed-miserably. After the extra
papers were passed back to the professor there were
quite a few people in various places around the room
that raised their hand nimbly, for they did not received
the papers. Frustrated and feeling uncared for, the students had to stand up and (get this) walk to the front of
the classroom and retrieve the papers that their
momentarily incompetent classmates couldn’t pass to
them. We’ve all been victims of this unfortunate phenomenon. Looking around wondering, “How the hell did
I not get the (insert document here).”
Sometimes there’s a poor guy/girl in the corner squared away from the class, brooding or whatever, and their classmates just don’t feel like taking extra
energy and getting up to give them a paper. They’re
almost always the poor souls that have unwanted
attention drawn to them when they feebly raise their
hands, get up in front of the class, all eyes on them,
snatching the paper awkwardly and stumbling back to
their seat.
Now, passing papers isn’t rocket science,
ladies and gents, and I’m wondering where exactly this
confusion comes from. I asked some people how they
passed papers in hopes to find some kind of pattern or
a clue to solve this predicament. One person told me
they, “Split the papers in half and pass them to the
side,” I’m not sure, but I think this might work, but then
again who knows who you’re passing the papers to.
Can you really ensure that the whole class will get the
papers? I don’t know. Someone else said, “I just don’t
care.” Well, that’s pretty selfish (what a douche).
It seems like this horrendous problem will
never be solved; it has been happening for quite some
time; it will be a grueling process, but maybe, just
maybe, one day everyone in a class will receive a hand
out without any aggravation or confusion.
-Christina Scarlett
INTRODUCING
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spanked at their Rush party at H-2-2.
PUN (NOUN): A PLAY ON WORDS, SOMETIMES ON DIFFERENT SENSES OF THE SAME WORD AND SOMETIMES ON THE SIMILAR SENSE OR SOUND OF DIFFERENT
Newsflash:
Athletics Exist at
Purchase
INDY REVIEW:
Rian Johnson’s Brick
By Virgina Reis
By Shawn Ryder
Believe it or not, Purchase College has
athletics. Surprising to some, I know, but it’s
true. If you don’t believe me, pick up the latest
issue of the Dispatch and if you flip to the last
page, you’ll find the latest information and articles about Purchase sports from roughly a
month ago. Still don’t believe me? There’s a
link from our website that says “ATHLETICS”.
It’s okay, you can click on it (it’s painless, really). There you’ll find a bunch of nifty facts and
results that are (believe it or not) sometimes
more up-to-date than the Dispatch.
So, fair reader, you may be asking yourself, “Why the fuck should I care about athletics?” Good question. Why do I care? I am
one of those athlete people you might read
about and captain of the Cross Country team.
If you’ve ever been driving late at night and
almost hit some crazy guy running the
Purchase loop; it probably was me – sorry and
thanks for not hitting me (it would probably
suck… a lot).
For people who don’t know, Cross
Country is a fall sport that consists entirely of
running (about 5 miles for men and 3.1 for
women). Oh, yeah, it is indeed the middle of
winter, so don’t worry, I’m not trying to persuade you to come to one of our meets (which
are always away – we don’t have a Cross
Country course). I am trying to convince people to glance into the gym every so often. We
have some really nice bleachers. They’re blue
and orange. And whenever I go watch my
friends (and teammates) play Volleyball,
they’re empty. Okay, not so true, but there’s
usually about 8 people watching. About half of
those people sitting in the stands are parents
cheering for the other team. So needless to
say, there’s plenty of room to spread out, relax,
and watch some volleyball.
And if you’re afraid supporting athletics
will result in more sports and bring a wave of
stereotypical dumb jocks, relax. The conservatories aren’t dropping standards to let someone knock volleyballs around or run oodles of
miles with me. People playing sports have to
have some intelligence, which is a great thing
since 10 miles of running can get pretty boring
when you’re talking to yourself.
Purchase does lack a few sports like
track, wrestling, and football. I’d love a track
program and usually, runners and jumpers are
pretty harmless. Seriously, who in their right
mind actually wants to run for fun? As for
wrestling – something about it just doesn’t
seem right. The option is there, but I seriously
doubt it would make an appearance here at
Purchase. And having a football team at
Purchase? Never. Aside from the cultural
aspect, football is just too expensive to have. I
can think of a thousand other things that that
money could go towards that would make this
college better. Plus, football players back in
high school usually referred to cross country as
a “gay” sport (no balls to play with, I suppose)
and they never gave me the impression that
they wanted to Think Wide Open.
We have lots of cool sports, though. If you
sift through the athletics webpage, you may
discover our women’s Soccer team won the
NEAC (North Eastern Athletic Conference)
title. Or by checking out the rosters, you may
discover one of your friends doubles as a
swimmer or outfielder. And as demanding as
the conservatories are, you’re bound to find a
large number of artists on the teams. Since I’m
on the Cross Country team, I know more runner/artists than any other sports, but they do
exist.
As a part of the Purchase culture, sports
fit right in. To quote one of my heroes and
“America’s running legend”, Steve Prefontaine,
“some people create with words or music,or
with a brush and paints. I like to make something beautiful when I run. I like to make people stop and say, ‘I’ve never seen anyone run
like that before.’ It’s more than a race, it’s
style. It’s doing something better than anyone
else. It’s being creative.” Next time you
update your Facebook or Livejournal, check
out the athletics page, and support an alternative form of artists: athletes.
2006 PURCHASE COLLEGE SOFTBALL
HOME SCHEDULE
3/26: Lehman College (DH)
3/29: Coll. of New Rochelle(DH)
3/30: Westchester Comm. Coll.
4/1: Keuka College
4/2: Cazenovia College
4/11: Penn State Berks
4/14: Villa Julie College
4/19: Polytechnic University of
NY
First time film maker/writer, Rian Johnson
takes a stab at converting classic noir for a modern day audience in Brick (could the title be anymore relevant to Purchase? I think not).
In his best performance to date, Joseph
Gordon-Levitt stars as the no holds bar Brenden
Freye, a Southern California student who routinely keeps to himself until his ex girlfriend,
Emily (of TV’s ” Lost”), mysteriously seeks him
out and then shortly after disappears. Being left
baffled and confused, Brenden becomes infatuated with finding his one time amour and seeks
the help of his one true friend, The Brain (played
by Matt O’Leary, the scrawny kid in the John
Travolta film, Domestic Disturbance…only now
he’s not so scrawny and he’s fashioning a new
pair of geeky specs). Brenden quickly realizes
that Emily’s strange manner goes much deeper
than she’s willing to admit, involving everyone
from the resident drama queen to an underage
drug lord, who goes by the name, the Pin. And
let’s not forget the always alluring, sophisticate
teen seductress, Laura, who is even more mystifying than Emily’s disappearance.
Johnson’s use of Dashiell Hammett-ish
lingo was difficult to understand at first but takes
the mood every where, leaving you laughing one
second and clenching your seat the next, an
imagine, all of this without mouthing one profanity.
The violence in the film is something not
commonly seen when it comes to the typical idea
of high school life, which might explain its R rating. The variety of the cinematography left me in
awe and Levitt’s bad ass demeanor, stationary
and breathless for a number of seconds. There
were some great scenes, such as the scene
between Dode, (a huge druggy who’s linked to
the Pin and Emily’s desertion) and Brenden
comes to mind and just the idea of a teenage
dope dealer, who is still living at home with his
totally oblivious mother, is completely hysterical.
As for the music, don’t get me started. With
all of it being entirely instrumental, it completely
grips the feelings that the shots are meant to
convey. What makes this film so exquisitely original comes back to the fact that it’s based in high
school while still being completely noir in nearly
every aspect, from the witty and tight lingo of the
characters to the sound editing.
Johnson uses the high school caste system
to his full advantage. Every type of clichéd character that is representative of that time in a person’s life is there. You’ve got your brainy sidekick, your loner, and the vicious beauty.
When asked if he thought adults would be
able to take the film seriously, Johnson just
remained everyone to take a step back and
remember high school. Everything might have
seemed trivial then, but it was life. Overall I left
the theatre with an overwhelming feeling of wow.
So if you’re looking for a modern day detective
film that’s beautifully written, capture, acted and
directed, Brick’s the ticket. Openskim March
31st.
WORDS. * LOVE MEANS NEVER WINNING AT TENNIS. * A BEAVER WALKS INTO A TAVERN AND ASKS, "IS THE BAR TENDER HERE?" * WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S
MOVIE JUNCTION
MOVIE REVIEW
The Hills Have Eyes
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Nightwatch
16 Blocks
By Randall Unger
By Garry-Paul Bonesteel
*warning may contain spoilers –
read at your own risk*
Alright ladies and gentleman, hold onto
your shoes because this week I present to you
a total of three-- count ‘em three-- movies for
your reviewing pleasure. Now like most of you,
I spent my spring break at home doing homework and watching movies because yes, I am
that cool as to have a social life but that is a
conversation best suited for my teatime dollies.
The movies that I will be reviewing, less in
depth than usual I am sorry to say, are Mrs.
Henderson Presents, Night Watch and The
Hills Have Eyes.
First up is Mrs. Henderson Presents, a
Stephen Frears film, who also directed two
John Cusack wonders: The Grifters and High
Fidelity, excellently written by Martin Sherman,
who has done nothing important with his life.
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES.
Okay, just had to get that out of my system
because there are a lot of boobies and full
frontals in this movie and they are all surprisingly tasteful. Honest.
Mrs. Henderson Presents is about Laura
Henderson, Dame Judy Dench, who’s just
become widowed and is looking for something
to occupy her time. She ends up buying the
Windmill Theater and hires Vivian Van Damn
and Bob Hoskins to run the theater. And yes,
Bob Hoskins is the detective from Who Framed
Roger Rabbit. The story takes places around
the beginning of World War II and is a great
story about the competitive yet friendly relationship between Laura and Vivian, as well as
the evolution of the theater and how it was
affected by the war effort. This is a great movie
for anyone who is looking for something good
because it is funny, serious, well-written and
did I mention there are boobies.
Next on the docket is Night Watch.
(Nochnoi Dozor) You may have seen posters
and previews for this Russian-made fantasy
horror film and wondered when it was coming
out. Well I am sad to say that this film has a limited release in the states but I am saying to you
now that if you at all consider yourself a horror
fan or fantasy fan then get your ever-loving ass
to see this movie wherever you can because it
is fucking amazing. This movie revolves
around an ancient battle between the forces of
light, called the night watch, and dark, called
the day watch. These two groups are made up
of people who realize that they have other
world powers like shape shifting, vampirism,
magic, etc. Basically what this movie does is
establish the world and the characters that will
continue to be seen in the other two movies
since it is a trilogy with a central conflict at the
core.
What is great about this movie is that it
combines the horror and fantasy really well;
plus it’s nice to see something different than a
dumb blond bimbo getting stalked by some
splatter-hungry maniac. Also the cinematography is really incredible and inventive. There are
subtitles in this movie, but the way that they are
used is so creative that you actually start to feel
as if they were supposed to be there and in
some ways it enhances the “watchability” of the
movie. This movie is definitely one that should
be seen.
Last but not least we have The Hills Have
Eyes, a Wes Craven remake written and directed by Alexander Aja, one of the writers and
director for High Tension. Now before I say
anything else, the look, feel, pacing and action
of this movie is what The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre remake should have been. The Hills
have Eyes is about a family on vacation who
think they are taking a short cut through the
desert and find themselves being stalked by a
group of miners affected by radiation fallout.
While this is a good remake that has an
action-packed ending, the pacing of the film is
a bit off for me. We definitely get the feel for
Aja’s foreign writing style in that the first half
hour to forty five minutes of the film is about
establishing the family dynamic and their situation. The problem is that this can be slow and
tedious but once the action starts it is relentless and unforgiving. Warning to all those who
might be sensitive: this movie does contain a
strong rape scene and I say this because there
were people who left the theater because of it.
If anything, it is worth it to see a mutant looking
like Chunk from the Goonies, going postal with
an ax. “Hey you guys!” Whack. Mouth is dead.
The wrap-up: Mrs. Henderson Presents
gets nine boobs out of ten. Night Watch gets
eight cures out of ten. The Hills Have Eyes
gets eight rampaging mutant hillbillies out of
ten.
It was about a decade ago when Bruce
Willis blew audiences away with the block buster trilogy Die Hard With a Vengeance. The
film was like a rollercoaster ride through the
streets of New York putting Willis and Samuel
L. Jackson in the wrong place at the wrong
time, two conflicted men forced into one dangerous cat-and-mouse situation after another.
A few similarities crop up in Willis’s newest
action cop flick 16 Blocks, where he plays Jack
Mosley, a middle-aged cop on the verge of
retirement with a bad leg and a slight drinking
problem. He is assigned the simple task of
transporting a prisoner to a courthouse to testify against corrupt cops in a murder case. Mos
Def plays Eddie Bunker, the petty thief-turnedwitness with a likable Mike Tyson lisp and who
plans, after prison, to open a bakery.
Jack escorts Eddie through 16 traff i c crowded blocks, making a quick stop at a liquor
store so Jack can refuel. Trouble soon comes in
the form of a suspicious gentleman who tries to
get Eddie to roll down his window. Jack ends
the disturbance with a bullet, and it’s up to him
to protect Eddie from Jack’s former partnerturned-murderer Frank Nugent (David Morse
and a team of other dirty cops) until they get to
the courthouse.
Willis plays Mosley with the same amount
of energy he would play any aging action hero
thinking to himself, “Armageddon too old for
this shit,” and Def’s comedic charm establishes
Eddie as a rather kind criminal with a refreshing, glass-is-half-full attitude. He and Willis
bounce one-liners off each other like (though
not nearly as good as) Gibson and Glover did
in Lethal Weapon. The chemistry is there and
so is the tension, a 16-block quest continuously interrupted at every intersection by Nugent
and his goons.
Directed by Richard Donner, this urban
cop picture features the usual fast paced style
employed in many of his action/adventure titles:
an escalating series of high-octane chase
scenes garnished with the occasional gunfire
exchange. Less like The Goonies and more
akin to Assassins, 16 Blocks is most definitely
a Donner flick for its impromptu close-ups and
gritty cinematography.
16 Blocks is a standard chase-and-shoot
pic. The dialogue is dreadful and the plot
seems all too familiar. But at the same time I
criticize Hollywood for its lack of creative output, I come to a realization that this formula for
entertainment that is the action movie is a good
recipe for success, a fact reinforced throughout
the ‘80s and ‘90s by Willis’s gym buddies, Arnie
and Sly. Willis has made a name for himself
starring in these types of movies and Donner
isn’t new to the genre either, so if it works why
change it? Sure it’ll get boring after a while, but
who cares? There’s just something so gratifying
about seeing the hero swig a little whiskey after
a vicious gunfight.
HELPERS? SUBORDINATE CLAUSES. * A TELEVISION WEATHERMAN WAS INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT, AND BROKE BOTH HIS ARMS AND BOTH LEGS. HE HAD TO
South Dakota Fires
First in the New
Abortion Battle
By Kristin Whitcomb
Dear Republicans: Put my reproductive
rights down and step away slowly.
With the Right Wing consistently gaining
political power, women’s rights as we know
them are being openly attacked. Our generation has been taking reproductive rights for
granted, and women today seem to have
almost completely forgotten that less than thirty years ago abortions were completely illegal.
South Dakota is doing its darnedest to ensure
that those days will come again.
Lawmakers proposed a bill that directly
opposed Roe v. Wade (the landmark case that
legalized abortions in 1972). Last month they
introduced a bill that states: “the State of South
Dakota has a compelling and paramount interest in the preservation and protection of all
human life and finds that the guarantee of due
process of law under the South Dakota Bill of
Rights applies equally to born and unborn
human beings... the State of South Dakota has
a compelling and paramount interest in the
preservation and protection of all human life
and finds that the guarantee of due process of
law under the South Dakota Bill of Rights
applies equally to born and unborn human
beings.”
Under this bill, rape and incest victims
aren’t eligible to get an abortion, and the only
exception is if the life of the mother is in
extreme danger or for a pregnancy that poses
a “serious risk of substantial and irreversible
impairment of a major bodily function” to the
mother. The bill also states that “abortion procedures impose significant risks to the health
and life of the pregnant mother,” which is truly
ridiculous, as abortions are physically safe if
they are performed by a knowledgeable technician with sterile equipment and not by a butcher with a wire hanger.
Doctors who perform abortions would be
charged with a felony and could spend up to
five years in a prison. Under this bill, rapists
could have the same parental rights as the
mother. Planned Parenthood currently operates the only abortion clinic in the entire state,
where roughly 800 abortions are performed a
year and plans on filing a lawsuit against the
bill.
The bill cites recent controversial findings
by the South Dakota Task Force to Study
Abortion, saying that scientific advances in the
past thirty years demonstrate that life begins at
conception, and “each human being is totally
unique immediately at fertilization.” To me, this
sounds entirely religious. Religion shouldn’t
have anything whatsoever to do with my uterus
– I’m not a Christian, so what your God and
your Bible says has nothing to do with my
reproductive rights. It’s ludicrous that in today’s
society a woman should have to worry about
the right to decide whether or not to have a
baby. This bill completely ignores rape and
incest victims, and that is simply preposterous.
Laws in South Dakota may not
appear to have anything to do with us, but the
heart of this matter is that Republicans and the
Christian groups that financially and politically
support them are proposing this bill to see
whether or not the federal courts will be willing
to overturn Roe v. Wade. Neither of the two
recent appointments to the Supreme Court Samuel Alito and John Roberts – discussed in
great length during the confirmation hearings
their official stance on abortion, merely stating
that they would “respect judicial precedents
established by the Court.”
While it is unlikely that Roe v. Wade will be
completely overturned, the issue is still prevalent – pharmacies in small towns across
America are refusing to prescribe the Morning
After Pill because of religious beliefs and the
reproductive rights battle is becoming increasingly tougher. So as the Indy’s very own comic
strip writer Danyell Thillet says, “We should
probably go out and get all the birth control and
abortions we can while they’re still nice and
legal.”
Purchase students protested at the White Plains Federal Courthouse on March 9.
Fashion Can’t Be
Purchased
By Lindsay Feldman
Hi, all Purchase College students. My
name is Lindsay; I will be your campus fashion guru on a weekly basis in volumes to
come. I am a Freshman/Transfer student this
semester at Purchase College. I recently
came from a small fashion school in Los
Angeles (or as I like to refer to it, La-La-Land,
no explanation needed) where I soon figured
out New York is the place to be for true creative independence. No matter the location,
style is an evident part of one/s daily visual
stimulation.
In my eyes, the key to true fashion on the
Purchase lands is that of comfort. Whether it
is the vast amount of cheaply patterned flannel bottoms, bohemian garb or that of denim
ranging from K-Martesqe to that of contemporate brands of True Religion or Seven for all
Man-kind, relaxed attire is an absolute necessity.
Following the ideals of comfort, ladies,
may I suggest to you the ultimate must have
of the season, Everlast by Norma Kamali.
Fashion forward designer Norma Kamalli creates stretch pants and goddess dresses in
one color palate per season. Kamalli decided
to collaborate with American sweat pant
monopolists, Everlast. Together the companies created a line of cotton and lyrca garments using a grey toned color palate in
terms of zip up hoodie dresses, heathered
boleros and my favorite item of the collection
is a spandex interwoven metallic silver mushroom skirt. This desirable skirt can be worn
with anything from calf-height lace-up skulladorned Converses to a pair of vintage brightly colored Ferragamo pumps. If one prefers a
more docile natured outfit, I suggest the zip
up light charcoal hood-dress with a fitted dolman sleeve. One should absolutely pair this
with eighties plush vinyl snow boots and a
pair of Ray Ban aviators placed upon the
face. These ever so stylish garments are
available at a Bloomingdales near you.
Boys would you like to melt the
Swarovski-crysteled outer layer off of a
Woman? Men get yourselves in John
Varvatos attire. His Spring 2006 collection is
of an earth-toned leisurely line with linens and
cottons; you can’t get more comfortable
essences from nature than those fabrics. The
nude and angel white shades look amazing
against the sun influenced skin, gained from
relaxing on the Purchase hammocks with a
book from the New York Times bestsellers list.
The J.V. garb is available at his uber chic
store on Spring Street, in Manhattan.
Since comfort is that of extreme importance to the typical Purchase student, taking
a bite out of this soft to the skin attire will surely guarantee. Ladies and Gents feel free to
contact me for advice, questions, comments,
via email at [email protected]
CALL IN FROM HOSPITAL TO EXPLAIN ABOUT THE FOUR CASTS. * WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? QUATTRO SINKO.. * TWO PARROTS
YOUR COMIC HERE.
SUBMIT AT [email protected]
ARE SITTING ON A PERCH. ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, "DO YOU SMELL FISH?" * WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? SPOILED MILK. * A GIRL
Words of Wisdom
from Ann Coulter
By Shawn Ryder
Recently, I read a few articles by a young
woman named Ann Coulter. The interesting
things insomnia can encourage you to do. My
inspiration stemmed from a deeply rooted
Republican friend’s MySpace page which
included Ms. Coulter as someone she would
like to meet (as well as Hillary Clinton so she
could promptly spit in her face and pull out her
hair). Plus, I figured I might learn how to talk to
a liberal if I have to (which, who knows, might
make me sound like less of an idiot when I talk
to myself out loud.).
My! The exciting things I learned. For
example (from her February 8th article), I never
knew “Muslims are the only people who make
feminists seem laid-back.” Laid-back feminists, what a concept! Most feminists I know
are pretty cool and are fairly relaxed and they
usually appear stressed when they have a
major deadline the next/same day (go figure,
stressed college students?). I have never met
a person who practices Islam, so it makes me
wonder.
Still, Ms. Coulter informed me of some
other, thoughtful, interesting things. From an
article on March 3rd, 2005, I learned that
“Conservatives don’t want gays to die; we just
don’t want to transform the Pentagon into the
Office of Gay Studies.” I can interpret this in so
many ways. One way, Conservatives really
love homosexuals to such a degree that they
would rather preserve their lives by not allowing them in the military and preserving our
nation in times of danger. Perfectly logical, gay
people, like feminists are pretty cool. However,
if Conservatives could love them a little less
and let them serve and suffer the psychological
and physical effects of warfare and all its carnage, then perhaps they would support gay
marriage. I mean, gays just don’t suffer like
straight people – hate crimes, discrimination,
harassment, deprivation of various civil rights,
stereotypes, and rejection – none of that pales
in comparison to the possibility of losing your
arm, leg, life, or (more devastating) ability to
have children. Last time I checked, the only
way a gay couple can have children is a lot like
losing the ability to carry children in which parenthood is only available via adoption or with a
donation of either an egg or sperm from the
opposite sex (and in the case of males, a
woman willing to spend 9 months of pregnancy
plus labor). Fret not, friends, fans, and members of the GLBTU; Conservatives love you.
Then there’s that whole bit about the
Pentagon, which to me, frankly, makes
absolutely no sense. Now gays are probably a
far cry from Muslims, but Ms. Coulter makes a
clear division between them in the articles I
read – that is, they are never in the same article. Still, I learned that Islam may “for purposes of discussion… [be] a religion not a car-
burning cult.” Oh, Ms. Coulter informed me
that “real religion can’t go bossing around other
people” as Islam apparently has. To be honest,
I can’t cite any instances when Islam has come
here where I practice my American citizenship
and bossed me around. Maybe Islam likes me;
maybe Islam likes the way I live, maybe Islam
likes the way I vote, maybe, just maybe, Islam
doesn’t give a flying fuck about me or what I
want, think, or feel. In a way, that sounds a lot
like Ann Coulter; I am a liberal after all. To back
up her statement about Islam, Ann used the
curious example of my religion, Catholicism.
She points out “Catholics aren’t short on rules,
but they couldn’t care less if non-Catholics use
birth control.” Do I care if a non-Catholic uses
birth control? Hell no I don’t care, in fact I even
support it, and I even support Catholics using
birth control, even if it breaks some rules. I
doubt Pope Benedict XVI is going to go to
every pharmacy in America and take away
birth control. Religions really don’t do that sort
of thing. Governments, yeah, they do crazy
controlling stuff like that. Crazy thoughts from
that cool cat, Ann. Other stuff I picked up from
the February 15th article included that instead
of diplomacy in the Middle East, we should
stick to “business at hand: bombing Syria back
to the stone age and then permanently disarming Iran”. Plus, she noted that “American patriots endure ‘The Boondocks’ without complaint’”. To that I say, hell yeah, it’s a kick-ass
cartoon and is the best thing to hit Adult Swim
since Family Guy (in my own, warped opinion)
and I’d only complain that there’s not more.
Who knew I would learn so much from insomnia? I think the next sleepless night, maybe I’ll
add Ann Coulter to the “Who I’d Like to meet:”
space on my MySpace page. Maybe I’ll add
her as one of my heroes – as soon as she gets
around to converting to Islam. I would really
like to meet a Muslim.
“Vice President” from Front Page...
along." writes Phi brother John D. Schmitt, "He
even opened his own home for rush parties and
was constantly the source of encouragement
and support for the new born fraternity at EIU."
When asked whether he was interested in
bringing Greek life to Purchase, Cabello was
quick to assure the Senate that he had no intentions to encourage the presence of Greek life on
campus, unless it was what the students wanted.
"I would not make any decisions without completely weighing the opinions of all students." He
later went on to say that "It would be naive to
think that Greek life works everywhere. Student
interest is needed, I would have to wait and see
whether the Purchase student body would be
interested in and accept [fraternities]." He mentioned that while at Western Illinois University, he
had witnessed some student opposition to the
Greek Life.
Aside from Greek life, students also asked
the candidate about his experience with diversity and multicultural experiences. Cabello discussed his extensive training and experience
with alternative lifestyles, multiculturalism and
diversity studies. He had worked with a GLBT
counseling center, and also with previous campuses to set up Safe Places.
Additionally, Cabello discussed innovative
ways in which he was able to help take the
needs of the students into account at previous
campuses. At BCC, their financial aid office
implemented the use of restaurant-style buzzers,
so students didn’t have to wait in a long line. He
also helped orchestrate entertainment on campus buses, and late-night theater performances
to accomodate students schedules.
It was made very clear by Cabello that one
of his top priorities would be to act as an advocate for the students. To the shock of some, this
might be exactly why Greek life appears on campus. There has been a recent movement, led by
Gavin Wilson to establish the Chi Alpha Xi fraternity for students of Caribbean ancestry. This
issue is still being discussed within the student
government’s clubs council.
It may be an inevitability that these organizations arrive on campus with or without the consent of an administrator such as Mr. Cabello.
What is certain is that the student government,
particularly the Council of Clubs, Organizations
and Services, has the final say on whether or not
these groups are recognized as official organizations on campus. No club or organization at
Purchase can be “exclusionary”, or prevent interested students from becoming members.
WALKED INTO A BAR AND ASKED THE BARTENDER FOR A DOUBLE-ENTENDRE. SO HE GAVE IT TO HER. * WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND
THURSDAY
EVENTS
David Schwarz Project 4:
Christopher Taggart - (F(al)lying
Squirr(tu)el
9am-5pm
Public Lecture:6:00pm
Reception: 7-8 pm
Yaseen Lecture:
On the University Museum and
Potential for Innovation MARCIA
TUCKER.
7:30 PM. Neuberger Museum
Pangea, Student Center, 9 pm
“I’m not a feminist but...”,
LEAD Center, 7 pm
“Seeking Celestial Frequency”
Jordan McLean Senior Recital
Music Building, 8 pm
Recent Paintings
by Casey Tang,
1019A VA Building, 5-7 pm
William Kentridge &
David Claerbout,
Humanities Theater, 7 pm
CLUBS
GLBTU, CCS 0037, 10 pm
Comic Book Liberation Army,
Student Center 7 pm
O.A.P.I.A., CCN Basement
10 pm
Root Beer Club. Student
Center, 9 pm
EMIT, HU 1021 10:30-12:00 am
PSGA General Programming
Committee, CCN 1012 5:30 pm
Independent Writer’s Meeting,
CCN 1011 7:30 pm
FRIDAY
EVENTS
David Schwarz Project 4:
(See Thursday)
Room Selection Information
Meeting
Noon, Humanities 1061
Comic Book & Manga
Donation Drive & Raffle
Library, 12-5 pm
Focus on French Cinema
Festival
3 U.S. Premieres! For specific
programming see www.focuson frenchcinema.org
12:30 PM Performing Arts
Center
Faculty Recital
Ayako Oshima, Clarinet
7 PM - Recital Hall, Music
Building
South Africa's Soweto Gospel
Choir
Celebrate the unique and inspi rational power of African Gospel
music.
8:00 pm - Performing Arts
Saturday
Center---Genghis Tron
Off Minor
Robots & Empire
Stinking Lizaveta
Prog Dogs
Student Center, 8pm
SATURDAY
EVENTS
Focus on French Cinema
Festival
(See Friday)
“Do you know your history?”
Sponsored by O.A.P.I.A.
12 am-12 pm
CLUBS
X-Stream Generation
CCN 003 9 pm
SUNDAY
EVENTS
CURATOR'S TALK:
Tracy Fitzpatrick on Facing
Abstraction
2:00 pm - Neuberger Museum of
Art
Focus on French Cinema
Festival
(See Friday)
SPORTS
Womens Softball
vs. Lehman College
11:00 am - Softball Fields
Mens Baseball
vs. New Paltz (d.h.)
Noon - Baseball Fields
TUESDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
WEDNESDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
THURSDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
FRIDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
SATURDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
SUNDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
EVENTS
MONDAY
EVENTS:
GRAD SCHOOL FAIR:
Visit Graduate & Professional
School Admissions
Representatives all week.
12-2 PM in CCN & CCS
David Schwarz Project 4:
(See Thursday)
Islamic State, Heresy and
Freedom of Speech
4:30 pm NS 1001
Workshop: Sylvia Marx and
Marcia Flaks
Workshop: Insights into Duo
Piano Collaboration and
Repertoire
7 pm - Recital Hall - Music
Building
A Litany For Survival: The Life
and Work of Audre Lorde
Film Screening, Library
Classroom, 6:30 pm
TUESDAY
CLUBS
Art Club , Co-Op 9 pm
Yearbook Committee,
David Schwarz Project 4:
(See Thursday)
Spotlight on Faculty Concert
Music Bldg. 4:30 pm
WEDNSDAY
CLUBS
PSGA Senate Meeting,
HU 1072 12 pm
PSGA Finance Committee,
CCN 1012 4:30 pm
Anime Club, Fireside Lounge
9pm
Hillel, CCN 0024 9pm
Pre-Med Club, NS 1002 12:30
pm
Psychology Club, NS 0029
12:30 pm
PTV, CCS 0026 10:30 pm
Film Society, CCN 10 pm
EVENTS
David Schwarz Project 4:
(See Thursday)
Ryan Homsey Junior Recital
Music Bldg. Recital Hall, 8 pm
Lecture: Judith Shea, Sculptor
1016 VA Bldg. 7 pm
SCHEDULE
SCHEDULE
MONDAY
12:00 AM - Sifl & Olly
Alumni/Affiliate Lounge 9:30 pm
PSGA Civic Actions
Committee, CCN 1012
12:30 pm
PUSH, CCN 0014 10 pm
COCOAS Meeting , Whitson’s
5-6pm. Financial Proposals Due!
Independent’s Meeting, CCN
1011 7 pm
Latinos Unidos, CCN 007
10 pm
Media Services Board Meeting
CCN 1011, 10-11 pm
PSGA Major Events
Committee CCN 1012, 8 pm
W.H.E.N. CCN 0012, 10 pm
SUNDAY
11:00 PM: After Dark
12:00 PM Midnight Rush
MONDAY
8:00 PM: Monday Night Melting Pot
10:00 PM: A and J's Magnificent Hour
11:00 PM: Steve Gold Hour
12:00 AM: The Release
TUESDAY
10:00 PM: Lady T. Late Night
11:00 PM: The Josh Jupiter Radio Show
12:00 AM:The Offensive w/ Sam Jaffe
1:00 AM: Happy Endings
WEDNESDAY
10:00 PM: Metal Horde
11:00 PM: Awesome Mix Tape #6
THURSDAY
11:00 PM: High Fidelity
12:00 am: Bagels & Schmear
If things used to be
that, they aren’t
much time now.
By Jesse McLaren
Let me Start off by saying that I am
outraged by the fact that people are constantly
walking around campus trying to dress like me.
But that isn’t what this article is about, so I’m
not going to discuss it,
although I DO notice it
and it DOES in fact bother me. Not that it doesn’t
affect me, if someone is
wearing a shirt that looks
like my shirt (or IS even
my own shirt even) and
says something like “ I
love it when hot broads
jump my bones” a
passerby who sees this
happening, but doesn’t
get a good look at that
persons face might think
that its even ME saying
those things and go up to
me and say “hey Jesse, I
heard you say you like it
when hot broads jump
your bones, why did you
say that” and I would be
SO confused as to why
Andrew was asking me
that, because I wasn’t
even there when the
original person who was wearing my shirt said
those disrespectful things about women.
As a side note, I would NEVER say
things like that about women. The only people
who would say anything like about women are
babies and children, because they don’t know
manners yet because nobody really taught
them? I think it’s defiantly not their fault
because they are still trying to figure out for
themselves (or learning, if they have parents)
“LeWinter” from Front Page...
“The students I have now know how to
work together," said Lewinter. "Everyone is
friends in the dojo, and that allows them to
push and challenge each other without creating any bad blood. If anyone displays hostility
to another student, I dismiss him or her."
The principals of mathematics that fill
Lewinter's days are not mutually exclusive to
those of Shotokan, as Lewinter demonstrated.
"The people who developed Shotokan definitely had an understanding of physics," said the
professor as he took a Bruce Lee-like stance
behind his desk. Firing a fist toward a shelf of
computer-science books, he explained: "The
force of a Shotokan roundhouse, for example,
relies on the inertia of my whole body rotating
to give it power. If I didn't rotate, I would just
make my opponent mad. I wouldn't hurt him."
Lewinter simplified his description of
Shotokan with an impromptu rap: "The
how the world works, and how to talk about
women.
Also may I add also that some babies
don’t even know how to talk English like adults
yet, so how could anyone get mad at them for
saying childish things? I know I wouldn’t ever.
Although furthermore even grown-up adults
like us should never say mean things about
women like “broads”, but instead say something respectful like “woman” or “young
woman” if they’ve had a bat mitzvah.
Another reason I don’t want mad
heads dressing like me
is because if everyone
were wearing the same
pants as me, then in a
dystopian sense I would
look like everyone else
from the waist down (or
waist up if we were all
wearing the same shirt).
I would hate that.
Also
however,
that aside, the real reason I AM writing this article is because I am
upset that the waitresses
at the Hub give me a
receipt. I think it’s very
pedantic of them to think
that I need a piece of
paper to tell me I’m eating a chicken sandwich.
Its like “oh I’m so dumb I
can’t taste this sandwich, why don’t I look at
the receipt” (that’s not
true, I’m just saying its
as if they think people are saying that). Also it
takes up too much room in my pocket.
Furthermore, it will make me hungry again
when I empty my pockets. Also I feel that a
machine that knows my favorite food is very
dystopian. If there is a petition to stop this I will
sign it. If there is call me on my cell phone to
tell me where it is so I can sign it.
Shotokan punch will take you out to lunch. The
Shotokan kick will make you sick."
In the past, Lewinter's classes have
included 20 to 30 students, many of whom he
claims continued to train with him after graduation and went on to earn black belts themselves. Recently, however, attendance has
waned—a fluctuation Lewinter attributes in part
to economic and socio-political differences with
some members of the Purchase community
that have grown over the past few years.
"It's a sad thing, but I've made a few enemies here over the last few years because of
my political views," Lewinter said. They not in
agreement with the general Purchase College
view."
Despite the ideological dispute, Leister
encourages students to join the dojo, which he
describes as "apolitical."
"At the Shotokan dojo," said Lewinter, "we
leave our politics at the door.
Share it With Sue
Ellen
By Sue Ellen Rockcliffe
Dear Sue Ellen,
I've been having sex for some time now, but
I don't know how to tell my family. I feel guilty
for keeping this from them, but I'm afraid of
how they'll react. My older siblings aren't having sex yet - what will my parents think of me?
Please help!
Miss Jiggy on J-Street
Dear Miss Jiggy,
This is a problem that I feel afflicts many
college students. Choosing whether or not to
tell your parents that you are sexually active
can be a very difficult decision, especially if you
come from a traditional household. Personally,
I think that your sex life is none of their business. Other than catching you in the midst of
the dirty deed, there is only one real way they
would know and that is pregnancy. And what
better way to break the news, honestly, who
doesn't like a baby?? Problem solved. Thanks
for sharing!
Love, Sue Ellen
Sue Ellen,
I've always wondered how one can tell the
difference between best friends and people
with the potential to be more. Most people
would probably say the only factors one has to
consider are whether the person is hot, and
whether you both get along-same interests,
personalities, goals, etc. However, I've had my
share of "I just don't feel that way about you's"
even though we agreed the aforementioned
was there! What's missing?!
Frankly Frustrated in Farside
Dear Frustrated,
Unfortunately, this is a question with more
than one answer. Some relationships start out
as friendships and grow into something more,
in fact, friendship is the best foundation for a
healthy relationship. However, some friendships are destined to remain just that, friends.
Another possibility, a very dim one indeed, is
lack of sexual appeal. Maybe the other person
just isn't interested in what you have to offer.
Don't take it personally. Thanks for sharing!
Love, Sue Ellen
TWITCHES? A NERVOUS WRECK. * SMOKE DYNAMITE, AND REALLY BLOW YOUR MIND. * WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? SANKA. * MY
Brought to you by
Sable Yong
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) There may be no time like the now,
but what’s that saying about the past? It’s useless because
it isn’t the now? This week is the period in time in which you
Aries knock the present down a peg or two. Hell, why not
the past too? Dwell on some other nondescript dimension.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) You will receive some mysterious
burst of productivity this week. So much in fact that it has
the potential of bordering on industrialization. If people start
giving you the stink-eye it’s probably because you’re making them look bad with your firm stance on the ball.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) While nobody’s pestering you
for anything, you may be feeling the urge to fly under the
radar this week. This is a silly idea, as everybody knows it
is common knowledge that those who fly low tend to get
stepped on.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) The economic law of diminishing returns goes by the way that at a certain point, the addition of more resources will yield less satisfaction. AKA too
much of a good thing is bad. This week you will have ample
resource but only a fraction will be able to please you.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22) The worst you can do for yourself
right now is abide by conventional laws of dragon-taming.
Case in point: You’re bound to get burnt no matter how you
try it. Try practicing on some smaller pests first. This is an
apt metaphor for your week, Leo.
What a Beautiful
World!
By Katerina Korolov
Wouldn’t we all love to keep it that way?
T h a t ’s why the Purchase En v i r o n m e n t a l
Activists are putting on our very own
Sustainable Living Week! This is your opportunity as both student and a human being to do
something for this fabulous planet. You can do
this by pledging to make a conscious effort to
pursue several specific sustainable living practices for the week of April 3rd-7th.
We’re putting on several events to make
these slight alterations easier and more fun.
PEA will be sponsoring an all day recyclable
collection, as well as a showing of The Cost of
Cool. Also, we will be inviting everyone to
bring a dish and join us at The Co-Op for a
scrumptious vegetarian potluck. Start licking
your chops now, my friends, it’s only a week or
so away.
Surely you might be wondering, “what’s
this all about?” Well, here are a few of the
themes that we’ll be addressing: Eating vegetarian, electronics consciousness, and of
course everyone’s favorite crazy recycling!!
Sounds pretty exciting, eh? Each of these
themes tackle aspects of American life that are
contributing to the degradation of the global
environment. These things are as easy as
turning off lights and monitors, washing clothes
in cold water, limiting environmentally exploitative purchases, and turning down those thermostats a bit.
But wait, that’s not all folks! We’re giving
away spectacular prizes to make this occasion
even more exciting. Stop by our table at
Campus Center North and South during the
week of March 27th -31st. We will be around
during lunch and dinner hours at which point
we welcome you to sign a pledge and receive
a bag of environmentally friendly goodies.
Mmmm, we’re even giving away some delicious organic chocolate from The Co-Op!! But
I won’t give away too much, you’ll have to see
for yourself.
That’s right folks, in a couple of weeks you
might be thinking, “I feel so very fine. It must
be because I’m helping save the planet, or
maybe it’s the chocolate.” No matter why you
may choose to help, please do so, and it will
most certainly be worth your effort. We look
forward to seeing you all there during
Sustainable Living Week!
-A message from your friends at PEA.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) About 2% of the country’s population died of boredom annually. This statistic may put most
of you Virgos in the safe spot, but this week you might want
to check up on your life activities. Just how susceptible are
you to this frequent ailment and what are the odds it reaches a fatally overwhelming amount?
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) There’s no point in sugar-coating
this: You’re in for one hell of a week unless you quit the waiting around and do something about it. Procrastination kills,
kids.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) In preparation for the coming
weeks ahead, go through your present cherished endeavors with a fine tooth comb. Especially those with a supervisor. The last thing you need is to get yourself into a position
where people who don’t know you all that well are able to
take hold of your fate.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Regarding every country
song created, be thankful that your rootless, Northern existence in this tundra of an educational establishment bears
no grudge upon your uppity patriotism or lack thereof. This
week will surely remind you why you ought to.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) As far as the cosmos areconcerned, the only thing Dr. Seuss ever did right was attach a
respectable and therefore non-disputable “Dr” in front of his
name, giving him license to say whatever crazy limerick
and never have anyone suspect the foggiest of his mental
state. Take heed of his ingenious planning.
Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb18) For a limited time only, the
alignments have granted you the power of really good
comebacks. If there ever was an ideal time, now would be
it to start whatever argument be it sensical or not and come
out victorious. Or freestyle 8 Mile- style.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) This week, someone will pay you
a compliment. Listen closely now because this will be
something you ought to pay attention to. Instead of focusing on self-improvement, just emphasis what’s already brilliant about you.
TEACHER ALWAYS USED TO TELL ME THAT DOUBLE NEGATIVES ARE A REAL NO-NO. * DRINK WET CEMENT, AND GET COMPLETELY STONED! * NOTHING SUC-
The
Independent
Purchase’s Only Weekly Satire Source
ISSUE 109
Bush Declares
Opposite Day
Approval Ratings Through The Roof
By Zap Branigan
New Reality Program
Fails to Operate
By Trent Brickman
The Fox network suffered a devastating
ratings blow this past week when new reality
show American Neurosurgeon was cancelled
before the two hour premiere “audition”
episode was even over. After the success of
reality shows such as American Idol and
American Inventor, Fox thought that
Neurosurgeon would be a surefire hit.
However, fifteen minutes and four fatalities
later, nearly all of the advertisers and many
home viewers had called Fox’s studios to
protest the gruesome nature of the show.
“It seemed like a flawless concept,”
Rupert Murdoch, President of the Fox Network,
said in a press conference. “American
Neurosurgeon was going to bring some welldeserved respect to the medical community,
while also encouraging young people to consider neurosurgeon to be a glamorous career
choice. We had no idea that it would end this
badly.”
Critics of the show citied the initial episode
as the show’s downfall. Like many reality
shows, Neurosurgeon began with a two hour
long ‘audition’ episode which showed brief and
sometimes humorous clips of the aspiring surgeons showing their skills off for the panel of
judges. The first few contestants presented no
foreseeable problems, but the fourth, a young
southern waitress by the name of Amanda
Hayworth, caused several viewers to immediately call Fox in protest. Ms. Hayworth, an
amateur surgeon, accidentally paralyzed the
patient she was working on. Her attempts to
reverse the paralysis killed the patient and she
then refused to leave the stage, demanding
another patient and claiming she just “messed
up.”
The first thirty-five minutes contained a
total of six fatalities, two instances of lowerbody paralysis, one accidental amputation of a
patient’s ear, and an unexpected rendition of
“She Bangs” from William Hung.
“In retrospect,” said series creator Simon
Fuller, “It’s possible shouldn’t have allowed
amateur surgeons to audition. However, we
still strongly feel that the only way to find the
next All-American neurosurgeon is to allow all
Americans to participate.”
The concept of the show pitted the aspiring surgeons against each other in increasingly difficult and complex surgeries. Each surgery
and result was then discussed and graded by
a panel of judges consisting of world-famous
neurosurgeon Dr. Peter Rosenberg, popular
television doctor Gregory House (as played by
Hugh Laurie), and Paula Abdul. At the end of
each episode, viewers were encouraged to call
in and vote for their favorite surgeon.
Clips of early episodes made it clear to
viewers that Abdul would be the sweetheart
judge, Rosenberg would be the thoughtful and
serious judge, and House, as portrayed by
Laurie, would be the harshest critic.
“Oh, that was just pitiful,” House/Laurie
commented after one particularly bloody failed
surgery. “Your surgical style was awful. You
need to project much more when asking Nurse
Stein for the forceps, and, I’m sorry to be the
one to break this to you, but you’re just not
pretty enough to make it in the medical world.”
Although the show was pulled before the
real contest could begin, leaked episodes are
already available on the internet and a letterwriting campaign has started to encourage Fox
to bring the show back to their Wednesday
night lineup.
In a surprising turn of events, Press
Secretary Scott McClellan made an announcement declaring Tuesday National Opposite
Day.
As a direct result, President Bush’s
approval ratings skyrocketed making him, for
the day, the most popular president in the last
50 years.
“ We’re really pleased—I mean—displeased that so many Americans are showing
their support for the President,” said McClellan
at a press conference last week. “This bodes
terribly for this administration.”
McClellan made sure to point out plummeting oil prices, the remarkable success of the
Iraq war, the largest surplus in history, and the
complete restoration of New Orleans as indicators of the success (failure?) of the administration today.
Democrats across the city tonight will be
throwing bashes celebrating the fact that for
once they are the most powerful political party
in Washington.
Howard Dean gave a stirring, wellresearched and low-key speech at a DNC
luncheon. Hillary Clinton also spoke with no
notable deviation from her usual demeanor.
Activists contacted linguists in order to
rephrase protest chants so that their message
would be compliant with the new national holiday.
“At first, we were not going to change our
language in protests,” said Geoffrey Winston of
the National Campaign Against the Iraq War.
“But then we realized that the media would just
use that against us in sound bites.”
Harvard lingual professor Johann
Belvedere said of the influx of calls, “It’s a simple matter of negating both the predicate of
each sentence and reversing the order of the
reflexive verb and the subject—rather, it’s the
incredibly complex matter of positizing the subject of the sentence and—oh fuck, I hate this
administration!”
Closer to home, Purchase students
showed their participation in Opposite Day by
listening to WPSR and assembling for tackle
football on the Great Lawn. Students seemed
attentive and eager to participate in classes
showing a wide range of knowledge on the current political climate and Hemmingway.
CEEDS LIKE A TOOTHLESS PARROT. * BREAKING A DOLLAR MAKES SENSE. * WHY ARE VAMPIRES SO IMPULSIVE? THEY CAN'T PAUSE AND REFLECT.
Parental Advisory: Explicit Comments... The Independent
Double E- I wanna be on you
Why? Why do people call you
their friend and then never call
you when they do shit? - Bitter
We’r e douchebags... We get a ton of pussy
If you were part of my circus, I’d have you
wiping elephant butts with a wet-one!
You’re my blue-eyed girl.
Let’s get hitched.
Its okay Katie <3 Crassie P.S. Mario OW!
GG Allin RULEZ!
Is there natural law or is
there a bee at a
diner eating steak?
Trello, you know you want me
Are you
M i chael Jackson?
‘Cause you’ve been
moonwalkin’ through my
thoughts
I love my SnowQueen <3 your bumblebees buzz...
How do you spell “farkatke”
FREE MIKE JONES
Stay here. There is no job
on the outside. - Double
Beard
“You used Jesus as a coat-rackGODDAMN YOU!”
Applesauce is good for the soul
Harris I know you want me
if you read books or look at
paintings, you’ve got a ticket
straight into my pants.
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My water broke
Billy- you can hide
out in my bed
sex while riding a motorcycle is
dangerous, but by all means,
SHOULD be attempted
the indy gets naked on april 20.
Hey baby I like your walker
~ pick-up lines for nursing
home patients
Dear Dispatch
Thanks for republishing our front page
articles. The royalty check is in the mail, right?
-Love, The Indy
WE ARE 138
Start bangin’ your head
on the brick wall
I WISH THE MEMORIES OF YOU
WOULD BURN LIKE
THE BATHROOM
What’s i n the box?
When fate turns you int o a
motorcycle- You’re a motorcycle
My Hookah is happy to be out of
the closet!
THIS DOOR IS WHERE LAW ENDS
AND PROPAGANDA BEGINS
A l l t h e s l u ts i n t h e
c i t y wa l k l i k e me
EEW! I think my chicken has
mad cow disease! It tastes like
smoked turkey!
Don’t ever trust authority!!
Theodore C. should not be
allowed to wear a shirt. EVER
I’m Bruce Wayne Bitch
candy apples and
razor blades
Ralph- No one gives a shit. So please do
us a favor and shut the fuck up
“My baby making device can
punch holes through concrete
walls.” Clark Kent
aka Superman
To whoever found my Ghost
Rider Poster in the hub...
you’re one lucky S.O.B.
I don’t hurt anybody
by walking barefoot
in the garden.
I just want to be myself.
My hand is my favorite whore!
Speak a da Dortch?
I hump eve ry thing! - SAG
You know you know that you don’t
like me and I don’t like you