Healthy Relationships

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Becoming What God Intended Ministries is a
dedicated team of Bible teachers and counselors who are
committed to the belief that the Bible – understood and
applied – will bring health and healing to individuals and
families. Our content is the life work by Dr. David Eckman
who has spent over 25 years in Biblical research. He is an
instructor in the disciplines of spiritual life formation, and
he has spent countless hours counseling and discipling
individuals. The result is a uniquely gifted individual who
effectively communicates God’s truths to a hurting world.
From the other three groups, pick out two people from a
different group from you and each other, and describe how
you handle a significant difference of opinion with someone
close.
Describe (and not just react):
1) When you are stressed and miscommunicate, how do
you feel on the inside?
2) When you are stressed and miscommunicate, what you
do on the outside?
3) If you are a . . . .
David Eckman, Ph.D. is a speaker in
demand internationally. Major universities
sponsor his lectures and training, and he
holds major conferences internationally
and nationally. He is the author of
numerous books and media material.
BLAMER, what do you really want the PLACATER to understand about the feeling of hurt?
PLACATER, what do you want the BLAMER to understand about the feeling of anxiety?
RATIONALIZER, what do you want the BLAMER and
PLACATER to understand about how you shut off?
DISTRACTER, what you want the other three to understand?
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The Instincts of Our Fallen DNA
Healthy Relationships
David Eckman, Ph.D.
whatGodintended.org
Communication Exercise
WHEN PEOPLE GET STRESSED AND WORN DOWN,
FOUR STYLES OF MISCOMMUNICATION SOMETIMES
APPEAR. THEY ARE:
1) BLAMING: The Blamer runs on hurt and anger, and he
or she needs the other person to agree with their feeling of
anger and accept their perspective. The Blamer wants a
relationship but a friendship based on how they look at life.
Is that you?
2) PLACATING: The Placater runs on anxiety and will say
whatever will preserve the relationship. The are natural
diplomats, and their goal is harmony. Both the blamer and
placater value relationship. Is that you?
3) RATIONALIZING: The Rationalizer has overdeveloped
the ability to emotionally shut down and withdraw
relationally. When stress enters a relationship, they will disconnect emotionally and keep people at a distance.
They are not as concerned about relationship. Is that you?
4) DISTRACTING: The Distracter has deep internal
discomfort and uses various means to keep others from
discovering what is really going on inside. They may talk to
much, ask too many questions, joke too much, etc. But the
goal is to keep people from penetrating the uncomfortable
world of their heart. Is that you?
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DNA is one of the greatest discoveries of the modern world. With its
discovery come two great insights: (1) who we are physiologically is
determined by that DNA, our health, our height, our eye color, every cell
in our body, and (2) this inherited DNA stems all the way back to our
first parents. Some think those first parents were apes who got a
phenomenal number of good breaks (otherwise known as mutations);
others believe the Biblical record is true and the parents of humanity are
Adam and Eve.
Those of us who believe the Bible also believe that there is a spiritual
DNA as much as a physical DNA. This spiritual DNA determines the
spiritual realities that are true of all humanity, and, similar to physical
DNA, that spiritual DNA leads all the way back to our first couple. The
spiritual DNA is present in all the history of the Bible; its characteristics
first appeared with Adam and Eve and can be discovered in the history of
the first couple. Unlike the physical DNA that was formed and fashioned
into Adam and Eve by the work of God, this spiritual DNA was created
by the actions of Adam and Eve and the dramatic choice of Adam. Just
as humanity’s form and function was inherent in the creation of the
couple, also the spiritual destiny of their descendants was inherent in
their choice.
What are the elements of that spiritual DNA? We can find them in
Genesis 3 in the great story at the beginning of humanity’s spiritual
history. The first element or mutation of what was originally healthy
revealed itself in Genesis 3.
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“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
“For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be
opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
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The first mutation that became the spiritual DNA of humanity was
doubt, or suspicion of God. When they doubted God, that choice
became the destiny of their descendants. Our suspicion of God in one
sense is as normal as our skin color or height (all were inherited). That
doubt of God was reinforced by a rampaging sense of need and
deprivation that the serpent introduced into their hearts: “we need more,
we don’t have enough.”
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When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for
food and pleasing to the eye, . . .
The second mutation was the sense of need and lack. The woman felt
incomplete, cheated. Since they had ruled God out, the woman and
eventually the man defined themselves by what they did not have. They
needed what the tree represented more than they felt they needed God.
God had given them everything in the Garden, but all that they were
considering was what they did not have.
and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.
This need was attached to something within them, a sense of desire,
delight and pleasure. One could call it love. Healthy love was a part of
unfallen humanity because humanity was made in the Image of God,
and therefore had the capacity to love God and others. Because of the
Fall, love became strangely attached to that which was not God. The
third mutation was the normal and healthy love they should have had
for God became attached to that which is unlike God. The Bible calls
that which is not God and unrelated to God darkness. Darkness draws
away from God the desire and love of the person. The third mutation
has affected all of humanity from Adam and Eve. This mutation of
healthy love was categorically defined in the Gospel of John.
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This is the judgment: Light has come into the world, but
people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds
were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil continually hates the
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Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is
this a pattern you slip into? The Blamer normally lives in a
world of hurt; what might be some hurts you have not
resolved?
The Placater - Both the Placater and the
Blamer are trying to sustain relationships by
ineffective means: the Blamer by condemning
the other so that the other will agree and
relate on the Blamer's terms, and the Placater
by appeasement and misinformation. Both
are unhealthy. Timothy was told that he
should not be controlled by fearful anxiety
(read II Timothy 1:7) so that the might avoid
saying what people wanted to hear (read 1:8).
The Placater lives in a world of anxiety; they
reduce their anxiety by telling other people
what they want to hear.
The Placater does not say things factually: their inner reality
does not match their outward conduct and words
(thoughtfully read Proverbs 26:22-28). The Blamer leaves
no doubt as to what he thinks, but one will rarely hear what
the Placater thinks. Truth for them is what works!
Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is
this a pattern you slip into? What are some anxieties that
might be driving the Placater in you?
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Biblical Examples of Improper
Communication Patterns
The types of patterns you have just observed are described
in Scripture. The four patterns appears frequently in
Scripture as habits to be put off, or as patterns in people's
lives. A short description of where they are found in Scripture will follow.
The Blamer - The Blamer lives in a world
where hurt and blame are in the air he or she
breathes. Their mental world is like that of
Jonah who said he did not want to live in a
world where God would exercise mercy and
grace (read Jonah 4:1-3). Jonah was nursing
a long time hatred for the Assyrians of
Ninevah because they had deeply hurt his
people by their repeated invasions and
atrocities. His life followed the typical pattern
of the Blamer: a deep hurt, unresolved anger,
an indifference to the feelings of the target of
his wrath, and finally a surprise over God's
willingness to deal in mercy and pity. Jonah
was shocked that another way of looking at
the world actually existed. In Jonah's world,
somebody was always guilty.
The New Testament says that entire groups of people
clothe themselves with anger, wrath, malice, slander and
abusive speech. This type of relational clothing needs to be
put off like dirty old clothes (read Colossians 3:8), and the
clothing of compassion and kindness are to be put on (read
Colossians 3:12). The first verse describes a person who
does not know what to do with hurt. The second describes
what needs to be done.
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light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds
will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into
the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have
done has been done in the sight of God. John 3
Choosing the fruit was to choose three good things, something good as
food, something good to look at, and something good to make a person
wise. Yet they were choosing darkness and death because they were
choosing good over God. That is what is in the spiritual DNA of
humanity: an instinctive sense of feeling needy and then choosing
anything over God to meet that need. Deprivation defined them at the
moment of choosing the fruit, but in choosing the fruit they chose
darkness. Darkness is anyplace and anyone where God is not.
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Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized
they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made
coverings for themselves.
After eating, they became ashamed of who they were as persons; they
were no longer acceptable. In other words, the fourth mutation,
self-hatred and the hatred of others, entered into the world.ˡ Shame
means I reject who I am. It may sound too strong to say that shame is
self-hatred, but it is the opposite of self-acceptance so it is self-rejection
or self-hate. Further, Adam ended up blaming the woman for his choice
by saying the woman that God gave him gave him the fruit to eat
(Genesis 3:12). The poetry that Adam first expressed upon seeing Eve
became poisonous condemnation.
Immediately following the story of the Fall is the story of the survival of
Adam and Eve: Adam’s desperate work of making the earth sustain him
so that he could physically survive, and Eve’s painful work of childbearing so that humanity could survive.
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ˡAdam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves. We cover ourselves with
self-deception so we do not see how bankrupt our inner life is outside of
Christ. Sadly that self-deception can continue after we know Christ.
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There is another way of looking at this. By his choices Adam created a fallen
world for the subsequent generations to live within. What he chose, we
became. How they used what God had placed within them to make a wrong
choice became our ever-present internal realities as a race. We can diagram
the world we live within, and that diagram is actually what Adam and Eve
experienced as they misdirected the life God gave them and chose wrongly.
The first and foundational element is to mistrust God. The result for believers
and non-believers alike is our default belief to mistrust God. A sense of need
arises out of our mistrust of God; we feel a deep need for something other
than God. We then look for something or someone to love to meet that need.
When we do that, we do not realize we are embracing darkness. As a result,
we end up becoming embarrassed and ashamed of who we are, and angry and
critical of those around us. We disappoint ourselves and we find others to be
disappointments. Finally, we conclude, we must do whatever it takes to survive. Below is a diagram of our fallen DNA, the instinctual world we live in:
The Distracter - The Distracter is a
person who has too much inward pain, so
that they instinctively fend off others either
by too much talk, irrelevant talk, or by
rationalistic questions. Profound shame
tends to be their driving emotion. Their
motto: "If you knew me, you would join me
in rejecting myself."
The woman at the well in the Gospel of John is a good
example. She was suspicious of Jesus (read 4:7-9), and she
needed emotional enrichment (read 4:10-15). When the
subject of her married relationship came up, she fled into
subterfuge and religious discussions (read 4:16-20). What
Jesus recommended to her as a solution was to be reparented
by God the Father (4:21-24). She had all the symptoms of
someone from a dysfunctional family background: she did not
trust, feel or communicate.
Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is this
a pattern you slip into? At what times in your life have you
used conversation to keep people away?
Both the Rationalizer and the Distracter are fleeing
relationships while the Blamer and the Placater are
desperately trying to sustain them.
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Healthy Relationships
THE INEFFECTIVE STYLES
The Rationalizer - This individual will
be out of touch with himself or herself
and with others. Emotionally they are
going away from relationships.
An
example of a person who is emotionally
out of touch is the Rich Young Ruler
(read Luke 18: 18-22). He assumed
that he had kept all the commandments
and was not aware of anything
internally contradicting that statement.
But as soon as Christ set before him the
choice of abandoning his wealth and
embracing a relationship with Him, the
young man went away sad. He was
now in touch with his emotions.
Another example is doubting Thomas. After suffering the
hurt of Christ's death, he isolated himself from the other
disciples. Keeping himself intellectually aloof from the other
disciples, he demanded proof of the Resurrection (read
John 20:24-25). Christ confronted him and asked him to
have enough trust to place his fist in the wounds. The
Rationalizer after having been hurt, 1) retreats from people,
2) gives up on trust, and 3) stays relationally aloof so as not
to be hurt again.
Questions: When you ineffectively handle relationships, is
this a pattern you slip into? Many times a Rationalizer has
been so severely hurt in family relationship that they have
become emotionally void: how does your inner life compare
with that?
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God created humanity to be interdependent. We all stand or fall together.
He created our physical and spiritual DNA to make us unitary throughout
history; consequently, Adam’s choice became all of our choices². In the same
way, when we become believers we participate in a New Humanity defined by
Jesus the Son of God’s spiritual identity or DNA. The spiritual mutations that
entered with Adam became the defining characteristics of our fallen world.
They have become our instincts. Now as believers in Christ, we need to
develop a whole new set of instincts wherein:ᶾ
I conquer in Christ
I accept me and love you
I love and delight in God
I am content
I trust God the Father
These five replace the five elements of our Fallen World. To understand
what happened in the Fall is to understand ourselves. Since we live in unity
with Adam, his choices became our inner world. That inner world is just as
predictable as what our physical DNA produces in our offspring. Therefore,
we should not be shocked by what is within us, but recognize that is the
human norm, and that means we must pursue our New Life in Christ to
change them. Our hearts need regeneration and the power of the Spirit so
we can rebuild our fallen world in the likeness of Christ!
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²Angels or spirits are individual unique creations of God that cannot reproduce.
They are always presented in Scripture as male. But humanity is a collective. We
share a profound unity with Adam and we are generated from him and Eve. Who
he was we become. In the New Testament Christ is presented as the Last Adam
and the Second Man. Only two true men existed and all of the rest of us are
imitations. If we stay imitations of Adam, we enter darkness. If we chose Christ,
we become imitations of Him and enter eternal life or God’s kind of life.
ᶾIn the same when we become believers we participate in a New Humanity
defined by Jesus, the Son of God’s spiritual identity or “DNA.”
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Notes
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