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Which balls dazzled and which
disappointed? Check out our
May Week Review section.
p. 20-21
The
Is Easter Term too intense?
Students have their say.
p.12
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, 23rd June 2011
May Week Issue
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
02| Editorial
THE CAMBRIDGE STUDENT
THIS WEEK
THE TEAM
Editors in Chief: Zoah Hedges-Stocks & Michael Yoganayagam - [email protected]; Design Editor: Rhys Cater- [email protected]; Magazine Editor: Julia Rampen
- [email protected]; Photography Editor: Devon Buchanan - [email protected]; News Editor: James Burton - [email protected]; Deputy News Editors:
Elspeth Carruthers, Eleanor Dickinson & Judith Welikala; International Editors: Anna Carden & Helen Ronald - [email protected]; Interviews Editor: Bryony
Clarke - [email protected]; Deputy Interviews Editor: Catherine Barker; Comment Editors: Mike Alhadeff & Saranyah Sukumaran - [email protected]; Deputy Comment Editor: Ella Fung; Features Editor: Graeme Cummings; Deputy Features Editor: Abi See; Fashion Features: Alex Davies, Katya Kazakevich & Lizzy Burden;
Film & TV Editors: Daniel Janes & Dominic Preston; Music Editor: Rosie Howard-Williams; Deputy Music Editor: Mark Seow; Theatre Editor: Hattie Peachey - theatre@
tcs.cam.ac.uk; Sports Editor: Tom Smith - [email protected]; Deputy Sports Editor: Fran O’Brien; Listings Editor: James-Henry Metter; Chief Sub-Editor: Ben Richardson; Sub-Editors: Alice Gormley, Rebecca Phillips, Abbie Saunders, Emily Loud; Nicholas Tufnell, Illustrator: Clémentine Beauvais; Web Editor: Mark Curtis; Board of
Directors: Jen Mills and Jess Touschek (Co-Chairs), Mark Curtis (Business), Dan Green, Faye Rolfe, Alex Wood, Zoah Hedges-Stocks [email protected].
The end of another year has arrived,
and while students jubilantly unleash
the pent up stress from exam term
this week, May Week has also
been greeted with the customary
disapproval of some elements of
the national press. Certain national
papers are quick to cite the decadence
and indulgence of May Week as
symbols of the University’s reputation
of privilege and elitism, as well to
scorn the images of drunken students
stumbling out of balls at 6am.
While these may seem valid points
of criticism in an “age of austerity”, they
fail to acknowledge not only the hard
work that Cambridge students have
put in during what is a very stressful
EDITORIAL
term, but also the fact that, apart
perhaps from the black tie, drunken
behaviour here is no different to that
of any other university in the country
at other times of the year.
Events such as Caesarian Sunday
and Suicide Sunday are particular
points of disapproval, but do these
days really deserve greater criticism
than the binge-drinking culture
prevalent in many of the UK’s
University cities?
While Cambridge students should
be aware of the way in which our
behaviour is perceived as both elitist
and decadent, they should also not
be made to feel guilty for enjoying
this welcome relief after seven highly
pressured weeks. Therefore, TCS
would like to celebrate Cambridge
students’ hard work and commitment
in both the exam process and, indeed,
the organisation of these huge May
Week events.
In other news, the closing of
nominations for the University
Chancellorship this week has
produced an interesting list of
candidates. Local grocer Abdul
Arain’s decision to stand against
Lord Sainsbury not only represents
a break from the 61 years since an
uncontested election, but also the
story of the local underdog against
the might of the institution.
Nextyear,willstudentsseetheSenate
choose either the establishment’s
favourite, Lord Sainsbury, or the
humble shopkeeper? Will they
instead back the alumni’s choice of the
larger-than-life actor Brian Blessed,
or plump for the controversial
lawyer Michael Mansfield, who is
the favourite of some academics? It
seems that the fairly inconsequential
role of Chancellor could provide an
unexpectedly interesting contest to
start the next academic year.
And so, as we reach the end of
Cambridge’s 802nd year, we would
like to wish everybody a very happy
end of May Week and a safe and
enjoyable summer holiday. See you
in Michaelmas!
English Defence League set to march through Cambridge
The English Defence League (EDL)
is to march through Cambridge on
Saturday July 9th, Cambridgeshire
Constabulary has confirmed.
A police spokeswoman said: ““We
have been approached by a member
of the English Defence League to
inform us of a protest in Cambridge
on July 9. Plans are underway to
ensure an appropriate police response
on the day. The force fully supports
people’s right to peaceful protest, as
well as ensuring minimal disruption
to the people of Cambridge.”
The march will be the latest in a
series of demonstrations organised
by the right-wing group since its
formation in 2009. Last December
1,000 officers from 18 different forces
were deployed to police an EDL
protest in Peterborough. Two months
ago, when 2,000 EDL supporters
gathered to march in Blackburn,
12 arrests were made for disruptive
behaviour.
“The EDL is a vile and
racist organisation”
Like those demonstrations, the
Cambridge event is expected to
attract significant counter-protests.
The Cambridge branch of Unite
against Fascism has organised its own
rally, which will start from Market
Square at 11am.
CUSU Student Support Officer
Morgan Wilde said: “The EDL is a
NEWS BULLETIN
vile and racist organisation that has
no place on the streets of Cambridge.
Cambridge, both as a University and
as a city, has thrived on the diversity
of thought, culture and background
that a multicultural society brings.
The diversity of our staff and students
EDL marching in 2010
TCS talks to best-selling
author, Ben Aaronovitch
p.18
MUSIC
SPORT
News in Brief
Slutwalk Cambridge councillor
hopes for city march
US University returns to single-sex
dorms
Record 700,000 students compete
for university places
A student at Sheffield Hallam University is facing extradition to America
for allegedly running a website that
provided links to television shows
and films hosted on other websites.
Computer science undergraduate
Richard O’Dwyer was arrested three
weeks ago for running the website
TVShack.net, which has since been
seized by US Immigration and Customs. O’Dwyer is accused of being
the administrator of the site.
He is scheduled to appear in court
on 12th September for a further
hearing. He has not entered a plea.
A Cambridge councillor who
marched in solidarity with victims
of rape and sexual violence in London’s Slutwalk hopes there will be a
similar protest in Cambridge. Belinda Brooks-Gordon, who represents
Castle ward, joined more than 3,000
people at the Slutwalk, in response
to a Tornoto officer’s comments on
how girls can avoid sexual assault.
Cllr Brooks-Gordon has written at
length about the rights of sex workers. She commented: “Too often the
victims of sexual violence are told
that it is their fault.”
The president of The Catholic
University of America announced
that the university would be taking
a stand against binge drinking and
‘hooking up’ by abolishing mixed
dorms.
John Garvey likened the move to
a “slightly old-fashioned remedy”
saying that the transition will
“probably cost more money” but
ultimately “our students will be
better off ”.
The reaction has been reported
to be mixed amongst students, with
males generally more against it.
The number of candidates attempting to get into British universities is
set to top 700,000 for the first time,
figures suggest, as students race to
beat a rise in tuition fees in 2012,
suggesting that a third will be left
without places.
Demand is strongest for practical
courses, more likely to lead straight
to a job, such as engineering and
the sciences, while the number of
students competing for arts and language subjects has declined.
This is likely to leave 220,000 without a place, almost a third.
NEWSPAPERS
SUPPORT
RECYCLING
INTERVIEW
is testimony to the mutual respect
and freedom of thought that are the
founding principles of the University.
We will remain committed to
defending these values against these
far-right organisations that seek to
destroy them.”
Sheffield Hallam student faces
extradition to US
Recycled paper made up
80.6% of the raw material for
UK newspapers in 2006
How to make the most out of
your summer holiday
p.8-9
Lady Gaga’s much awaited
album is here. Does it warrant
the hype?
p.22
Image: Naomi O’Leary
Jess Touschek
INTERNATIONAL
The Cambridge Student is published by Cambridge University Students’ Union. All copyright is the exclusive property of the Cambridge University Students’ Union. Although The Cambridge Student is affiliated to the University Students’ Union we are editorially independent and financially selfsufficient. No part of this publication is to be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system or submitted in any form or by any means without prior permission of the publisher.
The traditional and the
unorthodox: Sport in
May Week
p.29
Got an idea for a story?
Want to write for
The Cambridge Student?
Email [email protected]
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
CambridgeStudent
News |03
Hand grenade found in a skip
US universities report sharp rise in
UK applicants
Man escapes jail after shooting off
a wart
Oxford serial pervert strikes five
times in ten days
US teacher punched pupil after
being called obscene word
A bomb disposal team have had to
carry an explosion after a suspected
hand grenade was found in a skip.
The team from RAF Wittering was
called out to a skip in Cottenham,
near Cambridge to carry out the controlled explosion in a nearby field. A
police spokesman said: “We were
called to reports of the discovery of
a suspected hand grenade in a skip
in Histon Road, Cottenham, shortly
before 9am today.“Bomb disposal
experts attended and the device was
taken to a nearby field where it was
destroyed in a controlled explosion
shortly after noon.”
America’s universities are receiving
a surge of applications from British students, as UK universities are
“creaking at the limits” through the
continuous cuts. Following in the
footsteps of Harry Potter star Emma
Watson, British students have being
setting their sights on the elite institutions, with the number of students
applying to Harvard rising from 370
to 500 this year. Andrew Halls, headteacher of King’s College, a public
school in Wimbledon, suggested that
“there’s a feeling that [at some universities], you may not get as much
teaching as you would like.”
A man was so desperate to get rid of
a wart he decided to use a shotgun,
blasting off half his finger and almost ending up in prison in the process. After a few pints of beer, Sean
Murphy took a 12-bore shotgun and
blasted off the itchy wart, losing most
of his finger at the same time. He subsequently found himself up on firearms charges for illegally possessing
a shot gun. Appearing in Doncaster
magistrates’ court, he was awarded a
16 weeks suspended sentence which,
he has stated, he is “happy with”. He
added: “The best thing is that the
wart has gone.”
Female students in Oxford are being warned to avoid going out unaccompanied after five sex attacks in
the city in just ten days. The attacker
is believed to be in his early 20s and
possibly Albanian.
A teenager was the latest victim
after she was pushed to the ground,
punched in the head and sexually attacked before she managed to
flee. Undergraduates were also being advised not to go out alone, but
in groups of two or more, and carry
personal alarms in their pockets. Police have not confirmed if any of the
assault victims were students.
A teacher from Florida has been arrested for assaulting a student after
being called a vulgar word.
Footage captured by another student shows Sandra Hadsock, a 22year veteran art teacher apparently
strike a male student while the class
gasps in horror. She was subsequently arrested and placed on indefinite
leave. Though the prosecutors have
decided to not press charges, Hadsock’s lawyer is still hoping the teacher will be allowed back to work.
Hadsock has received support
from the teachers union and community members.
The future Chancellor: a choice to ponder
Eleanor Dickinson
Deputy News Editor
The race for the position of Cambridge University Chancellor is now
on, after four candidates have confirmed their place in this ongoing
election.
Following the close of nominations
on the 17th June, members of the
Senate will vote on who will succeed
the Duke of Edinburgh as Chancellor,
after he retires on 30th June, shortly
after his 90th birthday.
The main contender for the position was originally assumed to be the
unopposed Lord Sainsbury, a businessman, whose family owns the giant supermarket chain.
However, he has subsequently received competition from local shop
keeper, Abdul Arain, who opposes
the plans to build a Sainsbury’s on
Mill Road. Mr Arain’s decision to
join the race marks the first contested election for Chancellorship in 61
years.
Following Mr Arain’s entrance to
the race, the actor Brian Blessed and
the radical barrister Michael Mansfield have also staked their claim to
running in the election race. All candidates received the required 50 sig-
nature nominations to make themselves eligible to stand.
Cambridge University Student’s
Union President, Rahul Mansigani,
commented to The Cambridge Student: “In the year when higher education has come under unprecedented
attack, with tripled tuition fees and
huge cuts, students believe that we
need as symbolic head of the University a Chancellor.
Rogues Gallery: the four candidates
Abdul Arain
Michael Mansfield
“We need someone who is committed to widening participation
and championing the importance of
higher education to society, as well as
resisting the Coalition’s chaotic and
destructive policies on higher education.
“We look forward to inviting the
candidates to Cambridge to see what
they stand for and make a decision
on who to back.”
How to vote
Brian Blessed
Lord Sainsbury
Votes for Chancellor must be cast on
Friday 14th or Saturday 15th October, between 10am and 4pm. Former
undergraduates with a Cambridge
MA (which is automatically granted
three years after graduation) can
vote, as can Cambridge academics,
and former postgraduate students.
There is no postal ballot - all voters
must come to Cambridge in person and candidates are ranked in order of
preference.
Grocery stores owner Arain was
nominated to stand after gaining
‘well in excess’ of the 50 signatures
required, primarily through word
of mouth. The fervent campaigner
against the supermarket giants, including Sainsbury’s, has owned a grocery shop on Mill Road for the last 15
years. Arain stated that “I think there
are a lot of people here who think
that Cambridge is once again being
attacked by the multiples. They think
that Cambridge has already been
badged a ‘clone town’ with only one
independent shop in the city centre,
and they don’t want the same to happen to Mill Road.”
The self-described ‘radical lawyer’ is
known for having participated in several high profile court cases involving
accused IRA bombers, the families of
the murdered Stephen Lawrence and
Jean Charles de Menezes, and also
Princess Diana. Described as a
‘champagne socialist’, the republican
vegetarian asserts that 95 percent of
his work comes from legal aid. In a
Press Release, Mansfield commented:
“I shall feel very privileged in standing as a candidate in the election of a
new Chancellor for the University of
Cambridge, and if successful would
give very close thought to how I could
serve the University’s best interests.”
The most publicly well known of the
candidates, legendary actor Blessed
was chosen by a group of Cambridge
alumni to succeed the post. Group
spokesperson Seth Thévoz said:
“Who better than a national treasure
like Brian Blessed to personify Cambridge?”
Born in South Yorkshire to a miner, the 74-year-old actor has had a
distinguished career in Shakespearean theatre, as well as many film and
TV roles. If elected, he would follow
the footsteps of other actors such as
Sir Patrick Stewart who is currently
Chancellor of Huddersfield University.
Lord Sainsbury, a businessman,
politician and philanthropist, was
proposed for Chancellor by the University nomination board. The Old
Etonian ex-Chairman of the Sainsbury’s supermarket chain graduated
from King’s College in the 1960s with
a BA in History and Psychology. His
current wealth is cited by The Sunday
Times Rich List as £960m, and he
recently donated £165.1m to charity.
The recently opened Sainsbury Laboratory in the University Botanic Gardens was funded by one of his family
charitable trusts. He also sits in the
House of Lords as a member of the
Labour party.
Asterix comics study: violence is
“astonishing”
Kingston University uproar over
Islamic society name change
Injured student protester now in
court for violent disorder
Teen arrested after blow-up doll
prank
Did Apple rip off student’s Iphone
App ater rejecting it a year before?
Neurosurgery researchers at the Heinrich Heine University of Düsseldorf, Germany have sifted through
34 volumes of the French comics and
identified 704 discrete cases of traumatic head or brain injury.
However, while well over half
should have caused serious neurological deficit or even death, none of
the characters manifest permanent
impairment. These findings, are, according to the researchers, “astonishing”. From these findings, the researchers conclude traumatic brain
injury (TBI) is not treated with the
appropriate gravitas in the comics.
Kingston University Students’ Union
has come under attack after a lengthy
battle over the name of an Islamic
society.
Mohsen Al-Khoei, president of
the Shia-Muslim Ahlul Bayt Society,
was disgruntled at the fact that it had
taken the union three months and
several meetings to constitutionally
add the title Islamic to its name. The
SU agreed to the name change after
being told by the university chaplain,
that the society was affiliated to the
Muslim Student Council. The SU
did, however, insist it went through
all the correct procedures.
A student who had to undergo brain
surgery after receiving head injuries
during a fees protest, has had to appear in court, facing five years in
prison.
Alfie Meadows, 21, a philosophy
undergraduate, said: “I ended up in
hospital after being struck on the
head with a police baton. I am now
being prosecuted for violent disorder
at that protest.”
Hundreds of protesters are expected to demonstrate outside Westminster City magistrates’ court today,
where Mr Meadows and 43 other
student activists will appear.
An Indiana teenager has sparked a
bomb scare after a prank involving
leaving a blow up doll in a girls bathroom.
Tyell Morton could face up to
eight years in jail after he was caught
by security cameras walking into the
girls bathroom with a package and
then exiting without it. Suspicious
staff called the bomb squad who responded to find a blow up doll on the
floor.
Morton said: “It was just a senior
prank, you know. I mean they’re
blowing it out of proportion.” He has
since been banned from his school.
A student who launched a hugely
successful iPhone App is considering legal action, after Apple allegedly
released their own identical application.
Greg Hughes, 20, came up with
Wi-Fi Sync in his second year at Birmingham University. The computer
sciences student offered it to Apple
for sale through its official App Store;
it was, however, turned down due to
‘security’ issues.
He was then shocked to discover
Apple launching its own wireless app
and has announced he intends to
take the matter further.
“
o
i
u
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
04| News
Michael Yoganayagam
Co-Editor in Chief
Cambridge University is expected
over the summer to add its voice to a
growing verdict of “no confidence” in
Universities Minister, David Willetts,
by the UK’s higher education sector.
The Regent House, the University’s
Parliament comprising over 3800
academics and staff, is to vote in July
on the following Grace, submitted
by 149 of its members earlier this
month: That, in the light of sweeping
cuts to the HE budget, the trebling
of tuition fees, and incoherent access policies, all decided on without
adequate consultation, the University
shall communicate to HM Government, by June 24, 2011 or as soon as
possible thereafter, that it has no confidence in the policies of the Minister
of State for Universities and Science,
and that this duty be delegated to the
Council.
Voting papers are to be distributed
to all members of Regent House on
or before Thursday, 14 July, with the
last date for the return of voting papers being Monday, 25 July.
The vote comes after Oxford Uni-
versity’s Congregation, its equivalent
of Regent House, passed a similar
motion on June 7th with 283 votes
for, and only 5 against, instructing its
council to “communicate to government that the University of Oxford
has no confidence in the policies of
the minister for higher education”.
academics are hopeful
the motion can reverse
these proposals
CUSU President, Rahul Mansigani commented: “We are very
pleased that Oxford academics have
expressed their frustration with this
government’s haphazard education
policy by such an overwhelming majority.
I confidently expect that Cambridge academics will also vote to
take a stand against the damage that
Willetts’ policies are doing to universities, access, and social mobility”.
In a growing nationwide campaign, Bradford University UCU
last Wednesday passed a unanimous
motion of no confidence in Willetts.
Warwick University have reached
over 1000 signatures on their petition, and Goldsmiths, part of the
University of London, have almost
hit the 100 mark.
Cambridge academics are hopeful
that the motion could realistically reverse some of these proposals, in the
same way that outcry from doctors
led the government to re-examine its
plans for changes to the NHS.
Dr Jason Scott-Warren, senior
Cambridge lecturer in the Faculty
of English, speaking to BBC’s Look
East, said: “If Oxford and Cambridge
and other academics across the country speak out against the changes, it’s
possible that will force government
to re-think.”
However, a spokesperson from
Willetts’ department, the Department for Business, Innovation and
Skills, told The Cambridge Student:
“Universities have always been bastions of free speech and debate.
However, our student and university
finance reforms are fairer than the
present system and affordable for the
nation... Our reforms put students in
the driving seat while putting universities on a sustainable footing for the
future.”
Image: bisgovuk
Will Cambridge have confidence in Willetts?
Anger over celebrity private university
Eleanor Dickinson
Deputy News Editor
“Deeply unconstructive”
Grayling’s New College
fails to impress
Image: BarryLB
Celebrity academics Richard
Dawkins and A.C. Grayling are
leading the lineup to create a private £18,000 a year university.
The initiative, which has since
been joined by Steven Pinker
and Niall Ferguson, will set up a
US-style elite college, called New
College. It is intended to act as a
rival to Oxford and Cambridge
education.
Inspired in part by the business model of American Ivy
League universities where $40,000
(£24,000) annual fees are not unusual, New College will cost double
the maximum tuition fee allowed
in government-funded universities.
It is set up to deliver a profit to
its shareholders who include the
professors and a team of wealthy
businessmen who have financed
the plan.
The college will teach humanities
subjects such as English, philosophy, history, economics and law
which will be taught by academics
from Harvard, Princeton, Oxford
and Cambridge.
However, CUSU President
Rahul Mansigani commented:
“Privatised universities are a worrying development as a response to
the government’s damaging higher
education policy, particularly in
relation to funding for the arts and
humanities.
Whilst the NCH claims to offer
an education to rival Oxbridge, the
great strength of our universities
lies not only in their teaching but
their breadth and research work.
“Furthermore, fees of £18,000
a year at a private institution will
almost certainly deter or exclude
people on the basis of their ability
to pay. UK universities may have
something to learn from the mixed
curricula and flexibility of US
liberal arts colleges, and we must
be able to ensure that all bright
and able candidates have access to
the challenging university education they deserve, but I think this
is a deeply unconstructive way of
achieving this.”
Body found in
the Cam
Judith Welikala
Deputy News Editor
The body of a man was found in River Cam yesterday. The unidentified
man, believed to be in his fifties, was
found floating face down at 2.04am
by a passerby in the upstream of Jesus Lock. Paramedics attempted to
resuscitate him, however he was pronounced dead at the scene.
A spokesperson from Cambridgeshire Constabulary said: “The
man had facial injuries, however detectives are keeping an open mind as
to how he received them.
“We’re trying to discover how the
man sustained the injuries and how
he got to be in the river. We would
appeal for anyone who was in the
area between midnight and 2am today to contact police.
The death is being treated as “suspicious.” A post mortem examination
took place at Addenbrooke’s Hospital
by pathologist Dr Nat Cary. The police spokesperson noted that: “When
we have the post mortem results we
will have a better idea of what we are
dealing with.”
One in six applicants use interviews company
Eleanor Dickinson
Deputy News Editor
One in six applicants to Oxford and
Cambridge University enlist the
services of private company Oxbridge Applications.
The profit driven organisation
sells Oxbridge admissions advice
to applicants at prices ranging from
£185 to £1500. Oxford Student
newspaper Cherwell revealed that
out of around 34,000 applicants,
between 5000 and 6000 contact the
company.
The company, which promises “a
clear view of the Oxbridge admissions process,” offers services such
Admissions Tests seminars, Private
Consultations, Interview Preparations Days and an Interview and
Test Weekend. Oxbridge Applications also states that out of those
who opt for the Premier Service, which costs several thousand
pounds, 53% of them are accepted
in contrast to the 21% overall.
However, Andy McGowan, Cam-
bridge University Access Officer,
told The Cambridge Student:
“By charging for information that
both universities readily provide
for free, profit-making companies
such as Oxbridge Applications are
preying on the hopes and fears of
thousands of students keen to study
at two of the world’s leading universities.
“By running ‘interview preparation’ days (and now weekends)
and services which edit substantive parts of people’s personal
statements, they are implying that
there are secret things you need to
know in order to get admitted to
“Preying on the hopes
and fears of thousands
of students”
Cambridge or Oxford, something
which is hugely damaging to access
because it is just fundamentally untrue. It is not just about cost, it is
about principle.”
He added “Cambridge is looking
for academic potential and ability,
not public speakers– admissions tutors can easily see those whose personal statements have been pretty
much written for them or coached
about what they ‘should’ say.
“Current undergraduates are
brilliant at talking about life as a
student and answering questions
about student life, but this does not
make them experts on the Oxbridge
admissions process .”
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The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
06| News
Oxford Union Presidents in speaker cancellation scandal
Judith Welikala
Deputy News Editor
“clear breach of
natural justice”
Kingston argued that Langman
was guilty of “action that was liable
or calculated to bring the Society
into disrepute” and “abuse of office
with the intention of financially or
materially benefitting the offender”.
The panel ultimately sided with
Langham, asserting he had “no case
to answer”.
Kingston, who could not be
president at the hearing due to finals exams, said he was “extremely
unhappy” with its outcome. “There
has been a clear breach of natural
justice in that neither I nor my witnesses were able to attend during
exams”. Complaints to SDC hearings need to be heard within 28 days
of being lodged. The organisers of
the hearing pointed out that Kingston had sufficient time to make a
formal complaint without conflicting with his exam commitments.
Image: Padraic
Two former Oxford Union presidents have come to blows ahead of
a Senior Disciplinary Committee
hearing over the cancellation of Sri
Lankan president Mahinda Rajaska
last Michaelmas.
The Oxford Union, at the time
headed by James Kingston, attributed the cancellation to the “sheer
scale of the expected protests”.
However, Kingston’s successor,
James Langham, is alleged to have
then travelled to the Sri Lankan
High Commission specifically to
offer an apology to Rajapaksa in
person, inviting him to speaking
at the Union during his tenure as
President.
University unready for zombie invasion
James Burton
News Editor
The University is not prepared to
cope with a zombie apocalypse, The
Cambridge Student has learned.
The news follows a similar
revelation in Leicester, where a
Freedom of Information request
revealed that the City Council has
no provisions to protect itself from
a zombie plague.
A concerned citizen asked:
“Can you please let us know what
provisions you have in place in
the event of a zombie invasion?
Having watched several films it is
clear that preparation for such an
event is poor and one that councils
throughout the kingdom must
prepare for.”
Spokesperson: “there
are currently no health
and safety plans to
deal with zombies”
Lynn Wyeth, head of information
governance for the Council, told
the BBC that “she was unaware
of any specific reference to a
zombie attack in the council’s
emergency plan.” Leicester is only
59 miles from Cambridge as the
crow flies, and given the rate at
which infection typically spreads,
shambling hordes of undead could
be massing outside Trinity College
days after an outbreak in the city.
Judith Welikala
Deputy News Editor
“If we get eaten alive,
where willl the future
leaders of the country
come from?”
Students greeted the news with
dismay. “I literally can’t believe
Cambridge hasn’t prepared for
this,” a Pembroke second year said.
“If we get eaten alive, where will the
future leaders of the country come
from?”
A University spokesperson said:
“there are currently no health and
safety plans to deal with zombies.
Perhaps this is something we
should be looking into.”
CUSU Student Support Officer
Morgan Wild said: “Given that
the brains of Cambridge students
could be a particularly nutritious
snack for your more discerning
zombie, it is shocking that the
University has not developed a plan
to protect students’ welfare, should
the unthinkable occur.”
Cambridge mathematicians have
expressed their disappointment after the miscalculation of an equation resulted in an ‘impossible’
question set on an OCR AS Maths
paper.
The examination board admitted
that failed to correctly calculate the
length– meaning the shortest route
in turn failed to match the mathematical equation.
the “impossible”
question was worth
11% of the paper
The Walking Dead comic book artist Charlie Adlard dressed as
a zombie on set of The Walking Dead Atlanta, Georgia. © TWD
productions LLC Courtesy of AMC. The Walking Dead is available
on DVD
Regional College student Students in River Cam
spies on woman in toilet vomiting scare
Eleanor Dickinson
Deputy News Editor
A local student has been forced to
sign the sex-offenders register after spying on a woman over a toilet
cubicle. Luke Brett, a 21 year old
with learning difficulties, was said
to have followed a woman into the
toilets at Cambridge Regional College where he is a student. He has
since pleaded guilty to voyeurism.
Prosecutor Sally Hickling told the
city’s Crown court that: “When she
was in the cubicle she heard someone coming in.” The victim heard
someone closing the cubicle door
next to her. She looked up and saw
Brett peering down at her.
Miss Hickling added: “She came
out and said that she was alarmed
and shocked that someone could
do that. She felt scared at one point
because she thought he was going
to get into the toilet with her.”
However, when interviewed,
Brett stated that while he found the
woman “a bit attractive”, he was not
sexually aroused during the incident, adding that he only saw her
top half. The court also heard that
Brett has never had any sexual experience.
Judge Antony Bate told the defendant: “This was a gross invasion
of the woman’s privacy, you have
within your own limitations realised that.
“You are a man with no sexual
experience at all or with intimate
loving relationships. You have a
number of learning difficulties. You
have a mild learning disability.”
As well as having to sign the sex
offenders register, Brett was also
given a two-year community order
under supervision. He has since left
college.
Students
baffled by
“impossible”
question
Eleanor Dickinson
Deputy News Editor
The Senior Tutor of Pembroke College has issued out a warning to
students, after a number were stuck
down with illness linked to the
River Cam water, with two students
hospitalised. These reports come after May Bumps and The Cambridge
University Cardboard Boat Race.
Mark Wormald, who is Chair of
the University Advisory Group on
Communicable Diseases has sent
out an advisory email after “college
nurses have reported a worrying
number of cases of acute diarrhoea
and vomiting among students who
have fallen or jumped into the
Cam.” This has since been forwarded throughout the university.
Wormald informed students that
“at least two cases have involved
hospitalisation” owing to the in-
fectious diseases sourced from the
Cam, including the life-threatening
Weil’s disease.
“two cases involved
hospitalisation”
He concluded that “the strong
advice is, then, that students should
stay as dry as the weather permits
over the coming days and nights.”
A second year medic who fell in
the Cam duringCambridge University Cardboard Boat Race told The
Cambridge Student: “I had to leave
Clare May Ball half way through
the night due to sickness and then
at 6am I had fluid coming out of
practically every orifice. I had two
days of fever and was unable to enjoy a really expensive May Ball as a
result.”
Miharu Obata, a second year
mathematician at Pembroke, said:
“It’s alarming how it might affect
students applying for a place at universities like Cambridge, nothing
how admission tutors pay attention
to AS grades, and in Cambridge,
specific module scores.
A third year mathematician, also
at Pembroke, hoped the tripos exams would not face similar errors.
6,790 sixth students in total sat
the paper on Thursday 26 May.
The ‘impossible’ question was
worth eight marks and 11% of the
paper
In a statement, an OCR spokesman said the exam board “very
much regretted” the mistake.
“We would like to assure teachers, parents and students that we
have several measures in place to
ensure that candidates are not unfairly disadvantaged as a result of
this unfortunate error.
“Because we have been alerted to
this so early, we are able to take this
error into account when marking
the paper.
“We will also take it into account
when setting the grade boundaries.
We have sent a letter to all schools
and colleges explaining in more detail what we shall do.
“We do apologise again that this
has happened.
To help us understand how this
occurred and to minimise the
chance of such an error happening again, we will be undertaking a
thorough review of our quality assurance procedures.”
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The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
08| Travel
We’re all going on a Summer Holiday!
Image: H.Koppdelaney
Sophie Dundovic
May Week has finally arrived and
there are 14 glorious long weeks
of summer ahead of you. After a
year spent slogging your guts out
at Cambridge, it is very tempting to crack open those textbooks
once again and get a head start for
Michaelmas. But if you have the
willpower to tear yourself away from
next year’s reading list you may decide to do something else with your
summer. There is always the sensible option of getting a job, which
may well be enjoyable, rewarding
and lucrative. Unfortunately, it is
a tough economy to break into so
not everyone will be able to secure
such an opportunity, and for those
not fortunate enough to find themselves in Wall Street, travelling may
well be the best option.
So you arrive home, hung-over
and nocturnal; sure signs of a successful May Week, with little idea
what the next three months will
hold for you. After all there is no
time to plan such trivialities during the exam induced panic that is
Easter term.
Research will
undoubtedly pay
off but be sure
not to over-plan
Getting the
map out is as
useful as a giant
‘vulnerable
tourist’ sign
trusty bike may get you from college to the lecture hall in an instant
but pedalling through New York
isn’t much fun. You can rely on the
trains in Italy to get you across the
country but don’t count on it in the
USA. That circle island bus that
the guidebook says comes daily in
the South Pacific? The locals have
not seen it yet this month.
Make use of local knowledge,
people that you meet can be a much
more reliable source of information
than guide books which may mislead you. But do not be too trusting; that toothless guy offering you
a lift on his moped may be completely harmless, but when he starts
circling back to follow you it is time
to move on.
Try not to stick out too much.
It is easy to spot a Japanese tour-
Be scared, get
nervous and be
excited!
ist in London but even easier to be
spotted as a tourist in Japan. Being recognised as a foreigner could
bring you some unwanted attention
wherever you are, so take care to
keep a low profile when necessary.
It is common for unscrupulous taxi
drivers and touts to rip off travellers
so be sure to keep your wits about
you.
Even more importantly, if you
do take a taxi make sure it is legitimate, or else you could find yourself dropped off in the middle of
nowhere with an empty wallet and
some nasty threats.
Places can change after dark.
Walking down a seemingly ordinary street at night could end with
you being chased by pimps or cornered by thugs. If you do run into
trouble or get lost try to avoid getting the folded map out as this is
about as useful as a giant ‘vulnerable tourist’ sign.
There are always risks that need
to be taken when travelling. If
you are not agile enough to dodge
bottles coming for your head then
don’t take photos of the ladies of
the night in Amsterdam. Know
your limitations and stick to them.
Look after your health as best you
can and pack the standard insect
repellent and first aid kit. It does
not matter how tanned you are if
your legs are so bitten it looks like
you have measles! Make sure you
get the required injections before
you leave and check up on Visa requirements.
Booking trips can be confusing
and expensive but there are ways
to cut costs. Try to avoid bringing excessive amounts of luggage,
many airlines will gouge you for
excess luggage and charge you for
anything that you check in. Besides
you are going to have to carry it!
That Quantum Mechanics textbook
might seem like essential plane
reading now but when you are
trekking up Machu Picchu you may
Image: Barkaw
The first step is to decide where
you want to go. Next figure out
where you can afford to go. If you
have your heart set on seasonal activities be sure to check that you
will be visiting your chosen destination at the appropriate time of
year. You may think that you have
scored yourself a bargain flight but
it is no good showing up in the Alps
with your skis in August.
A little bit of research will undoubtedly pay off but be sure not
to over plan. We have all seen the
‘can’t waste a minute’ traveller who
is so absorbed in the guide book
from the minute they get off the
plane that they walk through the
wrong immigration line. In any
case, to survive at Cambridge it is
important to train yourself to deal
with highly stressful situations.
Meticulous planning of trips will
reduce the likelihood of you misplacing your Visa forms or forgetting your passport. These kinds of
events are perfect preparation for
Tripos induced anxiety.
Before you travel, check the local customs of your destination.
Make sure that you know where the
dodgy areas are – because every city
has them- and how to avoid taking
unnecessary risks. If you are travelling on your own then make sure
you know where to find help; if you
are travelling with a friend make
sure they are not a liability.
Work out a transport plan - your
think differently. If you are booking something last minute then the
internet is your best bet; do your
homework to secure a bargain. The
high street agents have higher overheads so inevitably will be more
expensive.
Travel insurance is a must; check
the limitations of any free policies
that your bank account offers as
they are not always as thorough as
they make out. Paying by credit
card may incur a fee but it does
give you a bit of security if things
go wrong. Card companies will pay
up if your airline goes bust.
If you find yourself stranded due
to volcanic ash or waiting a week
for a boat back to civilisation then
make the most of it. Things do not
always go to plan but that is the
fun of travelling, the journey is the
adventure. Be scared, get nervous
and be excited. Challenge yourself,
learn a lot and enjoy it. But save
the horror stories for when you get
back safely. It is kinder and more
rewarding to worry your friends
and family from the comforts of
their sofas, where they can see for
themselves that your story has a
happy ending!
For those real thrill seekers, travelling might not cut the mustard.
But fear not, the University Library
will be open all summer.
The
CambridgeStudent
10| Interviews
Harriet
Harman
Diary of a Shadow
...by Hannah Howard
Last term, hundreds of sixth formers descended on Cambridge to take
part in the annual CUSU Shadowing
Scheme.
The scheme sees pupils paired with
current University students for a long
weekend. Shadows get a taste of Cambridge life, attending lectures with the
undergraduate they are following, taking part in workshops, and going to
formal hall.
Hannah Howard took part in the
scheme. Her diary, the winner of a
competition to be published in TCS,
does not just reveal the feelings of an
A level student seeing the University
for the first time - it also shows why the
Shadowing Scheme is so important.
Image: Steven Punter
“Nervous?”, I asked Dan, another
student from my college who had secured a place on the scheme.
“No” replied Dan as we boarded
the train from Liverpool, “You?”
“Yeah”.
Luckily, I had absolutely no reason
to be. On arriving in Cambridge, we
were warmly ushered into a mini van,
which took us to Emmanuel for our
introductory talk. As the driver, Engineering student Jack, chatted to us
about the lovely city and university
life, my nerves evaporated. A little.
After an informative admissions
talk, I was picked up by a group of
Homerton students. Everyone was so
lovely, that by now, I was buzzing!
That night, after a tour of Homerton College, me and my fellow shadows were treated to a Pizza Hut meal,
before attending a lecture in the Cambridge union. I didn’t understand
much, granted, but the speakers were
inspiringly charismatic; I was left with
lots to think about.
Friday was a busy day. Along with
my shadow, Jasmine, I visited Colleges around Cambridge and loved
every single one. Was my loyalty to
Homerton wavering?
As a Geography shadow, I got the
chance to attend two lectures, and although I’d like to say I was enthralled
by economic clusters and food scarcity, most of it went over my head - the
insight, however, was invaluable and
the faculty’s library was overwhelming, featuring books from arctic expeditions to the politics of opera!
After this I took part in a great journalism workshop at the Cambridge
student. I got, as an aspiring journalist, an awe-worthy insight into how
a newspaper goes together, and even
got to write my own article. The team
were lovely, and I left laden down
with bags, notebooks, pens and even
a complimentary Cambridge t-shirt!
Friday night was a chance to relax
and socialise in a pressure free environment with Homerton students.
It was a great insight into University
life-and I certainly liked what I saw!
Everyone was so friendly, which is not
exactly what I expected!
Overall, the experience was amazing. On Saturday, we received an
admissions talk - knowing what
Cambridge’s entry requirements are
has giving me something to work
towards, and when piles of English
essays are getting me down, I think
of the shadowing scheme and the experience to spur me on - my ultimate
goal is to become a Cambridge student one day. The weekend affirmed
that dream for me!
Thursday, June 23rd 2011
There have arguably been few
women in British politics as unfairly vilified and ridiculed in recent years as Harriet Harman. She
has been described as ‘harping’,
‘barmy’ and even a ‘feminazi’ by
political opponents and in some
cases Labour party colleagues alike.
Being one of the pioneers and chief
architects of the 2010 Equalities
Act, it is perhaps little wonder that
the MP and now Deputy Leader
of the Labour Party has encountered and generated so much opposition and vitriol among the
right wing press. Rod Liddle, of
the Spectator, has accused Harman of a vacuous feminism, a reflex loathing of men and of being
either “thick” or “criminally disingenuous”. There is even a website,
harrietharmansucks.com, which
was created in the wake of her review of the stubbornly low rape
conviction rates in August 2009.
The Equalities Bill proposed by
Harman encompassed a whole
spectrum of progressive demands
aiming to combat, amongst other
things, ageism, homophobia and
racism in the workplace. Yet it
is her continuing campaign for
gender equality for which Harriet Harman is perhaps best known
and most heavily criticised. Within
the Labour Party, Harman has said
that she does “not agree with allmale leaderships” because men
“cannot be left to run things on
their own”; and that, consequently, one of Labour’s top two posts
should always be held by a woman.
In 2010 Harman commissioned a
report that proposed extending the
arrangement allowing all-women
shortlists beyond 2015. “It’s always
been a controversial agenda”, Harman concedes, when I ask about
the cloud of dissent that has inevitably settled around her, “but many
things that start controversial end
up being conventional wisdom”.
She points to one of Labour’s earli
est equality campaigns upon entering office - legislation against age
discrimination. “This was initially
regarded as political correctness
gone mad, but now of course people
have since realised its crazy to write
people off the moment they hit 60.”
Some of her detractors are of
course not so much opposed to her
egalitarian ideals as her proposed
means of enforcing them; the
idea of women-only shortlists, for
example, being particular contentious. However, the Conservative
opposition and heavy modification
of the Equalities Act has, according
to Harman, a more fundamental
and ideological basis than mere
quibbling over methods. “The Tories have never been a party to take
equality seriously. Because of where
the heart of the Tory party is at,
they are not able to make progress.
What is so disappointing is that
although the Conservative Party
claimed they broadly supported
[the Equalities Bill] at the time,
they’ve actually announced bit by
bit they’re not continuing with key
parts of it.” There have certainly
been some hard wrought changes
and measures implemented by Labour that the Conservative government has since simply abandoned,
cut back or reduced; childcare, SureStart, support for victims of domestic abuse and sexual violence.
The Equalities Bill designed by
Harman included a provision
that would require companies to
publish the gender pay gap within
their own organisation, which will
now no longer be going ahead.
Another clause, allowing an employer to chose a candidate of an
ethnic minority out of a group
of equally qualified candidates,
solely to improve the diversity of
their organisation, has also been
dropped. “It is so disappointing that after we had an agree-
The Labour MP and Shadow
Deputy Prime Minister talks
to Bryony Clarke about the
continuing struggle for gender equality and the importance of encouraging women
to stand for office.
ment that we needed a more
fair and equal society which turns
its face against discrimination,
they are turning back the clock”.
It is clear Harman feels the Labour
Party is very much the party of, as
she calls it, the ‘Women’s Movement’. “We speak up on issues like
domestic violence, equal pay, childcare - we champion these causes in
Parliament. You can’t leave equality
and women’s rights to the Tory party, and the Lib Dems have just been
too prepared to sell out all their
principles. We have more women
MPs than all the other parties put
together so we represent the voice
of women in this country in Parliament”. For Harman, it is apparent
that, while it is valuable and important for men to themselves fight
and campaign for women’s rights,
this is not in itself empowering.
“You cannot have men speaking
on behalf of women. You have to
have men and women speaking
on behalf of men and women.”
“Many things that start
controversial end up
being conventional end
up being conventional
wisdom.”
On the subject of female empowerment, at the time of our meeting
the ‘SlutWalk’ marches across the
country were imminent. On the
4th June, 3,500 gathered in Trafalgar Square to march as part of
this movement, in various states
of undress, to protest against the
comments made by a policeman at
a university in Toronto, as he told
female students to ‘stop dressing
like sluts’ in order to avoid harass
ment. The SlutWalk movement
has ignited as much dissent
and division within the feminist movement as outside of it,
as many of those who would be
broadly sympathetic of the aims
of the marches would rather like
to see the word ‘slut’ dropped
from our language altogether.
Harman avoids addressing the
particular semantic difficulties of
reclaiming the word ‘slut’, but is
otherwise forthcoming in her support of the movement. “I think
it is really important because it
is basically challenging the notion that if women are harrased
or assaulted it is somehow their
fault. And so I very much support
women collaborating to challenge
this notion and I’m very much in
support of this movement. Women have the right to wear what
they want, and there is never any
excuse in any circumstances to
carry out assault or harassment.”
While Harman has a tendency
to speak in a series of clichés
and platitudes, the oppostion
and indeed real hate that she has
amassed for her comments and
equality campaigns has been
nothing short of baffling. Is it
really so unreasonable to suggest
that the spheres of politics, law and
finance could benefit from having
more women in top positions?
Is it really so outlandish to argue
that because women make up half
the work-force in banking and
insurance, they should also be
equally represented on the boards?
Does suggesting that the current
rape conviction rate of 6.6%
(the lowest in Europe) might
be a bit too low really make
you a man-hating ‘feminazi’?
The deluge of derision, contempt
and ridicule Harman has recieved
for her comments in these areas
has consituted a silencing, even a
censorship, of the feminist cause
she is propounding and arguably
says even more about the the
state of gender equality in this
country than Harman does herself.
The end is only the beginning
Congratulations on finishing
your exams - we hope you are
enjoying May Week!
If you’re about to graduate,
the Cambridge Alumni
Relations Office (CARO) is
ready to welcome you into the
alumni community at General
Admission. Look for the CARO
marquee as you leave the
Senate House and pick up
your free 2011 Graduation
Yearbook from us.
Keep Cambridge with you
Choose something from our exclusive alumni range of merchandise, available to
purchase from the CARO marquee during General Admission, and keep Cambridge
with you wherever you go.
Items available include mugs, umbrellas, leather portfolios, iPhone covers, Onoto
pens, alumni rings, ties...
Keep in touch!
www.facebook.com/cambridgealumni
www.twitter.com/CARO1209
Email: [email protected]
www.alumni.cam.ac.uk
Sixth Form Teacher
of Mathematics
Required for August 2011
Would you like to try teaching but
don’t yet want to do a PGCE?
Would you like to teach Maths at A-level,
and in preparation for university entry?
Would you like to live in Brighton and work
at one of England’s leading schools?
The salary will start at £27k and the College also
has an attractive package of Benefits in Kind.
We are recruiting reporters, reviewers, sub-editors and
photographers for Michaelmas 2011
If you would like to get involved with TCS, then we’d be delighted to hear from you!
If you would like to write for the newspaper please send us a personal statement of around 400
words, (including details of any relevant experience) & a sample article of no more than 400 words.
A sample article is not required for photographers - but please emails us with links to your work
along with your personal statement. A personal statement will suffice for sub-editor Applications.
There is no strict application deadline for writers, reporters, sub editors and photographers - we are
happy to hear from you anytime! Freshers’ are welcome to apply too!
Our first issue of the new Cambridge academic year will be out on 29 September 2011.
To apply, email: [email protected]
For further details contact Carley Hawes
on 01273-704386 or Email:
[email protected]
An application form and a letter outlining your
suitability for this post together with a current CV
should be completed as soon as possible.
Brighton College, Eastern Road, Brighton,
East Sussex, BN2 0AL
Brighton College is committed to safeguarding and promoting the
welfare of children; the successful applicant will be subject
to an enhanced disclosure through the CRB
The
12| Comment
Thursday, 23rd June, 2011
CambridgeStudent
Comment Is Easter Term too intense?
A less intensive and
staggered assessment system
is preferable says, Lianna
Francis
Exams remain the best way
to test a person’s knowledge
argues, Juan Zober de
Francisco
Students demonstrate
their creativity by
participating in extra
curricular activities
‘Intelligence’ is much like ‘potential’
- just as we ask ‘potential for what?’, so
should we ask ‘intelligence for what?’
Exams test the ability of an individual
to respond to an artificial environment where he or she is required to
demonstrate the knowledge gained
over the course of a degree.
This is important not because the
information itself is useful (rarely is
this ever the case), but because the
processes involved in recollecting
and applying that information is useful.
I’d rather have five weeks
of hell in a three-year
degree than have to be
subject to continuous
So you think exams kill creativity?
Well, what is the alternative? More
coursework, modular examinations
or portfolio submissions?
Most of Cambridge’s students
demonstrate their creativity by participating in extra-curricular activities throughout the better part of the
year when they’re not cramming for
exams. Such a lifestyle would simply
not be possible if we were subject to
continuous assessment.
I’d rather have five weeks of hell
in a three-year degree than have to
be subject to continuous supervision - supervision that would make
it impossible for me to spend weeks
on end pursuing non-academic activities.
No - rest assured, exams are a
necessary evil. Besides, Cambridge
students, in a rare demonstration of
enlightenment, have developed the
perfect antidote to the Tripos - May
Week
Juan Zober de Francisco is a student at
King’s College
Notes from the
Overground
Dear Diary,
Jamie Mathieson
Since you’ll probably be reading this
two drinks down en route to your
third garden party of the season, you
probably don’t want to hear someone
suggest that maybe May Week is not
such a good idea after all. Well, fear
not, because my beef is not with this
peculiarly-Cambridge form of postexam celebration, but with the very
exams whose end you are currently
toasting.
Everyone knows the standard arguments against the current exam system. It favours people who work better under timed conditions, it’s too
subjective, and of course there’s the
fact that the Cambridge experience is
stressful enough without having the
whole future of your degree hanging
upon one hectic fortnight. My main
opposition to the current exam-term/
May Week structure is, however,
based not on these valid reasons, but
on its simple impracticality.
Take the ‘cosine rule’ that you
learned at school. You’ll never need it
again in your life - but the examination process, in which you had to sift
through data from a question, sort
out what was useful from the rest,
recognise which rule needed to be
applied and then use it correctly, is a
process that you will need to repeat
over the course of your life.
An exam tests this evaluationrecollection-application process in a
way little else can. Hence exams remain, as they have done so for centuries, the chosen method of testing
individuals.
Some columns are less serious than
others. This isn’t going to be a very
serious column. If it were serious,
it would be twice as long.
Mike and Ranya asked me to
do another column. I did try to
say no, but I suppose I didn’t say
no forcefully enough. I really
should have, shouldn’t I? It was up
to me to say no, forcefully. And
since I didn’t say no particularly
forcefully, it was perfectly
In the real world...effort
and concentration are
required at a much more
constant rate
Clare May Ball, Image by Ed Brambley
So you think exams are too stressful?
Our exams may be stressful compared to other British universities,
but earlier this month, 9.3 million
Chinese students sat the gaokao, or
National College Entrance Exam.
Construction sites are shut at night
for fear of disturbing revision and
sleep, and during test days police are
banned from using sirens. Traffic is
diverted to give preference to vehicles
delivering students to exam sites.
Despite this, 40% of gaokao testtakers fail. Results make or break a
child’s future, and the stress routinely
leads to suicides. Chinese media is
filled with stories of people who have
taken the same exams every year for
decades and still fail.
The idea that we’re competing
against friends from school who went
to other universities across the country is absolute bullshit. Quit whining
- it’s a globalised world, so competition is now on a global scale.
So you think exams have become
obsolete? ‘Intelligence’ is an amorphous concept that cannot be defined, let alone objectively tested, you
say? Well you’re right. But that’s no
basis to scrap exams.
reasonable for them to assume I
had said yes. I mean, how likely
is it that I wouldn’t have said yes?
Everyone knows I’ve written lots
of columns in the past. It’s not like
I’m the kind of person who’s never
written a column. I mean, just
look at me! Look at this laptop that
I’m wearing. I’m just asking to be
commissioned to write a column.
And Mike and Ranya say I said
I’d write another column, and who
would believe me if I said I didn’t?
It’s my word against theirs, and,
to be honest, I’m not entirely sure
whether I even did really say no.
I had, I admit, been drinking. I’d
finished exams, and I’d been out
on the town, at a garden party
with my Director of Studies. I
Okay, so there are going to be one
or two times in life when a massive
focus on a crucial deadline will be
followed by a couple of nights of allout partying, but this won’t usually be
the case.
In the ‘real world’ of employment
(which university is supposed to be
preparing us for, right...?) effort and
concentration are required at a much
more constant rate. No employer is
going to want a worker who’s only
on the ball for just a few weeks a year,
so why does the Cambridge system
reward successful crammers rather
than those who are more generally
prepared?
The fact that post-grad students are
not expected to display their year’s
research in a few condensed threehour chunks seems to highlight the
fact that there are better ways to
know. You don’t go hanging round
garden parties in the middle of
the afternoon if you don’t want to
be taken advantage of. Because of
what I’d drunk, I was there to have
my advantage taken. But frankly,
if I didn’t want my advantage to be
taken, I shouldn’t have let myself
get completely advantaged in the
first place. It’s just common sense.
If you’re going to write a column,
then you’ve got to be prepared for
the fact that people will see you as
a columnist. Now, there’s nothing
‘wrong’ with being a columnist –
though, frankly, it’s not the lifestyle
for me – but you do have to accept
the consequences of your actions.
And so those people who
expect me to write them columns
measure academic prowess. Modular
examinations throughout the year?
More ‘coursework’ or portfolio submissions? Considering the fuss we
make about the personal nature of
the Cambridge supervision system,
is it not sensible to give supervisor
reports at least some influence over
your final grade average?
No employer is going to
want a worker who is only
on the ball for just a few
weeks a year
I know how easy it will be for the sominded to refer to any such changes
as a ‘dumbing down’ of the education
system, but this is hardly the case.
In reality the move would be more
about bringing Cambridge’s tradition
of scholastic success in line with the
needs of the modern job-market.
Preparing for exams does teach
you about hard work, but there are
better ways to learn the same lesson.
Look at any third year two days before their dissertation deadline and
you’ll know from the pale skin and
eye bags that they’ve been working
hard, so why can’t a greater proportion of the Cambridge degree course
be measured in the same way?
Ask your parents or anyone else in
regular employment whether they
got their jobs based on their ability
to remember a few facts they learnt
about ten months beforehand. I
know ‘transferable skills’ is a cliché
we all love to hate, but it does seem
that for £9000 a year students should
at least be picking up some valuable
experience.
So don’t get me wrong; I love punting and Pimms as much as the next
person - I just don’t see why we are
only supposed to enjoy them as a
reward for surviving an increasingly
obsolete exam system.
Lianna Francis is a student at Murray
Edwards College
shouldn’t really be judged so
harshly. I’ve led them on, haven’t
I? What with my witty Facebook
statuses, and all that talking about
my opinions I do. How would I feel
if I got all excited that I was about
to be sent a new column and then
got told to sleep on the floor?
But at least, if I offended my
editors, I could always apologise.
Apologise for offending them, that
is. If they took offence at what are,
after all, only words, then I can
only apologise for the very deep
hurt that I did not intend to cause
and the insensitivity that I did not
display.
And if anyone thinks this
column was serious – I disagree.
And it’s my word against yours.
R
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The
14|
Thursday, June, 23rd, 2011
CambridgeStudent
Farewell Cruel Mistress - I will miss you
Cartoon: James Fearnley
SPECIAL
LATE NIGHT
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SERVICE
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THROUGH THE NIGHT
TILL 5AM
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Libby
Kemkran
Thompson
I need a halfway house. I’m writing
this after an epic battle that has taken
the best part of a decade to achieve
12 poxy letters after my name. I feel
a bit mental. Now, student no more,
apparently I can finally leave Cambridge. I can be a grown up, have
a life, my time is once again my
own; I have missed my last Grand
Prix! Studying will no longer be
the only acceptable reply to ‘do
you want to come to x’ (insert any
activity between February-May).
So why do I feel like my heart has
been ripped out? I’ve got this weird
sense that upon finishing, handing
in my dissertation and emptying my
locker, suddenly I have lost some
deep visceral part of myself. I’ve
been a student so long that I think
Stockholm syndrome has set in.
Hurt me some more. Please. Just
one more 3,000 word assignment.
In some desperate ‘procrastination-stats’ this April I calculated
that I had already spent more hours
in the library revising for finals
than I had had hot meals, sex, or
hours sleep in the last 5yrs. I may
be exaggerating. But not by much.
I was so desperate to finish that at
one stage I was literally close to tears,
heart pounding, and panting, at 5am
when I woke every single morning.
Admittedly my adrenalized
state was not helped by the mental
builders that turned up 7am outside my house, every day, including
Sundays and Bank Holidays. The
sound of a cement mixer blended
artfully with Heart FM can now in-
duce a rage so powerful that I could
be used as an adrenaline fountain at a cash-strapped May Ball.
But somehow finals are finished,
the results posted at Senate... it’s over.
I have to let go of this place. Bosh.
So how do I say goodbye to these
last 6 yrs of intense endeavour?
How on earth do I move on from
this historic place of captivating
beauty with its sinister undertone of
endless crippling demand, blended
with a demonic thirst for so much
more than just basic studying from
you, it wants your actual soul. Jagerbombs. It’s probably the only way.
I tried this method in Fez last week
but ended up at 4am with my two
I-love-you-like-a-brother friends
feeding a Gardie’s kebab to a duck
on the front lawn of Kings, whilst
we stared at the chapel outlined
against the dawning light saying
things like ‘this is our last time ever
we’ll see this view. I love you man,’
with ketchup smeared down my top.
So maybe I need a daytime sober
ceremonial walk down the backs
instead. Or a steady shop-fest culminating in a serious amount of
time spent drinking coffee (well
Heat won’t read itself you know).
I will start taking pictures. I will
start buying postcards. Almost
definitely a bike mug from Heffers.
Cambridge has held me like a
jailor. It has beat me like a bitch and
now it discards me like a spurned
lover. Man how it’s hurt. I’ve given
up so much. But I do take those 12
letters with me. Better be worth it.
Cambridge: you’re a git. But I
love you.
Libby
Kemkaran-Thompson
(MA VetMB MRCVS from 2nd July
onwards and forever thereafter).
bridge
magazine
The Best of the Balls, 20
Contents
May Week Bumper Puzzle
Special Instructions: Fifteen answers
are 44, and may be clued without
further definition.
ACROSS
1. Celebrated Queen’s comeback by
shouting famous writer’s last word.
(8)
6. Cold or symptomatic of infection?
(6)
9. Bottom of the polar sea. (4)
12. Cool down dinner with a refreshing beverage. (3,3)
13. Whitman’s final letter concerned
a dance. (5)
14. Talk through a user guide? (8)
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Is your number up?, 17
David Aaronovitch on his
new book, 18 Getting to the bottom of May Week, 19
Ball Reviews, 20
Pick of the theatre, 26
15. Do I ever jive while drunk to
achieve existential delight? (4,2,5)
17. A test to suck at? (4,4)
20. Sneaking results in head being
partially chopped off by monarch.
(8)
22. Have a go with it in first – that is,
inside! (7)
23. Submerge alcoholic to get rid of
their tremor finally. (4)
24. Can make money from professor
with one desk. (10)
28. Sex act breaks pillows, perhaps.
(9)
30. JLS left out without application to
come back. (5)
31. Gymnastic display of a whale
that flips, followed by a beast that flies
around with a head cold. (9)
32. What goes around comes around
a mark. (5)
36. Damn eagle splattered all over
the place! (9)
37. The product of Fearnley-Whittingstall’s fishing expedition is in discussion. (6,4)
38. Jump into a big bin. (4)
40. Staff loses two members with
broadcasts of extramarital relations.
(7)
42. Boy chases colourfully breasted
bird. (8)
44. These are happening possibly
without end all summer (actually just
at the start). (3,5)
45. Create jet so clever it will save pilots from fatal collisions. (7,4)
48. Parliamentarian returns without
funds. (8)
50. Those with the “finish first” mentality. (5)
51. Have a blast around two thirds of
a games console! (6)
53. Island where parallel sides will
partially point east. (4)
54. What in Spanish is abbreviated?
(6)
55. A buggy American. (8)
DOWN
2. Entrées, tasters, canapés, starters
and so on. (3)
3. Scottish staple causes painful
“lama toe”. (7)
4. Short and Balding? (5)
5. Finishing school? (7)
6. Who is to blame for a cold, followed by a bad trip outside the University Library? (7)
7. Flatten Ezra Pound. (4)
8. Common instrument made out of
an atomic weapon with the head removed. (3)
9. Lady former lover has diminutive
man attached. (7)
10. Sexy studs – men out-of-thisworld at consummation. (2,7)
11. Who graduands may now be
writing to - some reply, but not regularly! (9)
16. Fine one inside bush to which
yellow ribbon may be affixed. (3,4)
18. Pissing around, with first two
characters reducing things to complete moral poverty. (9)
19. Confused mess that would ensue
were Connery to pine for satirical
war movie? (8)
21. To the inside of Holstein Tower.
(4)
25. Loud puffer cast far. (5)
26. Outcome of bet: “Fuck UL” written all over a whole load of stuff! (9)
27. Coteries can be only for the select
few. (8)
29. Awesome guitarist takes the piss?
(5)
33. Shape eggs into a small Eastern
European country. (7)
34. 53s studied by 51 provide Gaga’s
opal-based ornamentation. (9)
35. The girl’s first boyfriend was Basil? (4)
36. Canadian funnyman talks into
mic along with Cadabra’s 54. (4,5)
39. Due to go faint and throw up 35
internally. (7)
41. Street toilets? (2,5)
42. Cars crash when German is inside with other xenophobes. (7)
43. Perverse relations finish with loss
of energy and a decrease in area of the
blowhole. (7)
46. Arrange a booking. (5)
47. Wilder sequence on acid? (4)
49. Exhume half of roly-poly bird?
(3)
52. If only half of desire is achieved,
result is rage! (3)
Set by Cadabra
Cover illustration by Alex
Driver
If you believe that something
inaccurate or intrusive has been
published about you, then you
can come to the Press Complaints
Commission for help. We’ll listen
to your concerns and deal with
your complaint at no cost.
The PCC is the independent
self-regulatory body for the
UK newspaper and magazine
industry. We enforce a Code of
Practice and work to raise
standards in the press. We offer a
service that is fast, free and fair.
We can also advise on concerns
about material that hasn’t yet
been published, or if you’re
feeling harassed by journalists.
For emergencies, we can be
contacted at any time of the day
or night.
Call us on 0845 600 2757 or visit
www.pcc.org.uk to find out more about
the PCC and how we can help you.
THE PCC: WE
WILL LOOK INTO
YOUR CONCERNS
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
CambridgeStudent
Feature
NUMBO-JUMBO
There’s just one number every Cambridge student is after this results day. Abi See looks at our numerical
superstitions, whether they be rational, irrational or imaginary...
Image: bark
N
is triskaidekaphobia, or fear of the
number 13. The superstition has unclear origins: like most myths, it has
many causes retrospectively applied.
In Italy, 17 is unlucky,
and Asians fear 4
Nevertheless, the phobia holds strong
enough in Western culture that the
13th floor of buildings is commonly
omitted, houses numbered 13 are
harder to sell, and doctor’s appointments are much more frequently cancelled on Friday 13th than any other
day.
Obviously, the belief is entirely cultural. In Italy, 17 is unlucky, and in
Asian culture (which is far more superstitious generally) an intense fear of
4, owing to the similarity of the words
for ‘four’ and ‘death’ in several languages, is almost universal. In China,
tetraphobia prevents flight codes, license plates, and mobile phone model
numbers from containing fours. Gift
sets of chopsticks or oranges are given
in threes or fives, and euphemisms are
sometimes employed to avoid saying
‘four’. In some multicultural locations
such as Singapore where Western and
Asian superstitions are both accommodated, the bizarre sight of missing
4th, 13th and 14th floors shows just
how subjective these beliefs are.
Indeed, the list of numbers that
people have convinced themselves to
fear is endless, with 23 another target
with a pseudomathematical edge. The
‘23 enigma’ has even been made into a
distinctly underwhelming film-cumstar vehicle The Number 23, featuring
a scene in which an authoritativelooking professor figure tells an easily
impressed Jim Carrey that “Two divided by three... is 0.666, the Number
of the Devil.” Carrey’s character ignores the arbitrary decision to round
the number to three significant figures, and more importantly the error
in rounding 2/3 to 0.666, instead of
the considerably more correct but less
spooky 0.667.
If this sounds absurd, consider the
composer Alban Berg, who was a
real life example of 23-obsession. He
wrote in a 1915 letter:
I received your first telegram on 4/6
(46 = 2x23). The telegram contained
the number Berlin Südende 46 (2x23),
12/11 (12 + 11 = 23). The second telegram contained the numbers 23/23
and was sent at 11.50 (1150 = 50x23).
It is a pity indeed that Berg was not
a contemporary of Countdown, as he
undoubtedly would have been a great
success.
Like all superstitious people, Berg
employs extreme confirmation bias,
the act of choosing or manipulating the information one expects and
wants to see, in order to confirm a hypothesis. Perhaps Berg should have
been more concerned by ‘Curse of
the Ninth’, the notion that a composer will die after writing their Ninth
Symphony but before completing
their Tenth. Schoenberg speculated
“something might be imparted to us
in the Tenth which we ought not yet
to know. Those who have written a
Ninth stood too close to the hereafter.”
Mahler, spooked by the curse’s recent
casualties Dvorak and Bruckner, followed his Eighth Symphony with the
sneakily-titled symphonic work Das
Lied von der Erde. He then wrote his
Ninth Symphony, thought he had
tricked fate, but died true to the curse
with his Tenth incomplete. Ironically
if he had just named Das Lied von der
Erde his Ninth Symphony and his
Ninth his Tenth, he could have died
a happy counterexample. Of course,
these prominent examples of the curse
are statistically unremarkable when
you consider the many more counterexamples, such as Shostakovich,
For a number that
really does pop up
spookily often,
try pi
who died with a healthy symphonyto-death ratio of 15.
Ultimately, no amount of evidence
can sway the superstitious: we see
what we want to see.
For instance the number of
words in this article is 940, which
has a digit sum of 9+4=13. Spooky.
Image: João Trinidade
umerology has existed as long
as humans have been able to
count, but despite derision
from the academic community, it is
still powerful in dictating many modern beliefs and behaviours, from
gambling to the recent Rapture debacle. Harold Camping’s prediction
of Armageddon on 21st May 2011
was a numerical supposition drawn
from the Bible by extremely selective reasoning. His astounding calculation route consisted of dating the
Great Flood to 4990 BC, interpreting
“seven days from now I will send rain
on the earth”, and “a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are
like a day” to conclude that Rapture
will occur in 2011 AD, 7000 years after
4990 BC.
While it’s easy to ridicule Rapture
believers and perceived extremists,
many more of us are prone to selective reasoning than you suspect.
Many people think that when flipping a coin, a head is “due”, and therefore more likely, if it’s been preceded
by several tails. Others would never
choose the lottery numbers 1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6 because it will ‘never happen’.
Of course, this sequence is as good as
any other as your selection of numbers has no effect on the probability
of them being drawn, but in practice
you can increase your expected winnings by taking advantage of others’
superstitions. By deliberately choosing ‘unpopular numbers’ (such as 32
- 49, which cannot be birthdays so are
less frequently chosen), in the event
of winning you will share the money
with fewer people.
As demonstrated in every episode
of Deal Or No Deal, in which contestants “reason” their way through
the arbitrary selection of unknown
boxes, the belief in lucky numbers is
widespread in perhaps the majority
of people.
For example, in Western and
Christian culture, 666 is commonly
agreed to be the Number of the Beast,
as stated in the Book of Revelation
(it is also the sum of the integers 1 to
36, but this is a less glamorous title).
The number’s spooky credentials
were further cemented into folklore
in 1666, the eventful annus mirabilis
that featured both the Great Plague
and Great Fire of London.
Another common numerical fear
17|Feature
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Features
Black Magic & The Boys In Blue:
Ben Aaronovitch talks to TCS about working in TV, race, and making London magical.
It was oddly appropriate that when
TCS went to meet Ben Aaronovitch,
there was a Sprinter van parked
in the quiet Covent Garden street
and a police helicopter hovering
overhead. Aaronovitch isn’t an
escaped convict, but the author of
the bestselling Rivers of London
series. Think The Bill meets
Gaiman’s Neverwhere, and you’ll
be somewhere close to imagining
what his anarchic world of magic
and police-work is like.
If you’ve ever been to London,
you’ll be even closer. The novels
are a love letter to the architecture,
history, and people of the capital
city. You can almost imagine
Aaronovitch looking around him
and seeing the city as an action
film scene. Intricately plotted fight
scenes make the most of tiny details
such as the width of a column or
the exact location of a stairwell.
Rivers of London and its sequel,
Moon Over Soho have shot up the
bestseller lists since they were
released earlier this year, and the
third book, Whispers Underground,
will be out this Autumn. Despite
the fact he has only just begun to
release original fiction, Aaronovitch
is no stranger to fantasy writing. As
a screenwriter, he penned the classic
Doctor Who episodes Battlefield
and Remembrance of the Daleks.
When asked why he decided to
make the jump from screenwriting
to novels, his answer is remarkably
candid: “There was a very bad
period, about 2009 to 2009 when
there didn’t seem to be any television
production going on anywhere”.
With screenwriting jobs being thin
on the ground, Aaronovitch took a
job in the New Row Waterstone’s.
“I was shelving books and thought,
these are all new books! I thought
to myself, hold on a second! It’s
obviously much easier to become
a novelist than to be a screenwriter.
Right, I’ll write a book!”
His forthright honesty about
his reason for changing his career
direction is refreshing, but he says
that he didn’t choose to write an
urban fantasy novel just because
they’re selling well at the moment:
“I just wrote a book that I wanted to
write. If you’ve been screenwriting,
all you do, it seems, is to write stuff
the way that other people think that
you ought to write it. You get really
fed up with it, so when you write
your own book, which is something
that only you have any control over,
you think, yes! I’m going to bloody
well write what I want to write!” He
feels that there is “infinitely more
freedom” in his current job and
compares the disparity between the
two areas as “jail versus walking
down the street...In fact, prison is
probably better than working in
television”.
“TV executives are
incredibly racist”
With regards to the current spate
of ‘urban fantasy’ novels all over
the bestseller charts, he says that
he hadn’t heard of the genre until
he began to write his own series.
Of course, to any fans of the style,
there are inevitable comparisons
between Jim Butcher’s wizard-cumprivate eye Harry Dresden, and Ben
Aaronovitch’s magician-cum-police
officer Peter Grant.
“About 2002, I thought to myself,
what if you did a cop show, with
magic? And then somebody said to
me, ‘yeah, that sounds a bit like the
Dresden Files.’” He lets out a mock
scream. Apparently coming up with
a truly original idea is a perennial
problem in screenwriting: “You say
’let’s do a show about truckers in
space!’ ‘yeah, it’s called Firefly’, ‘Oh
fuck!’”
Aaronovitch originally conceived
of Rivers of London as a TV series,
but knew that it wouldn’t come to
fruition because it had “too many
things they won’t do” – mainly
having a mixed race protagonist.
Peter Grant, the main character of
the books, has an English father and
a West African mother, and “TV
executives are incredibly racist”. He
points to the fact that Idris Elba had
to go to America to become famous
before he would be given a lead
role: “It’s as if you’re allowed one
mixed race character in a lead role
per year!”
The book’s acknowledgement of
the multicultural nature of modern
London is refreshing – for this
reader, when Aaronovitch’s narrator
pointed out that a passerby is
white, it was the first time that they
realised how easy it is, in fiction, to
take that fact for granted. However,
Aaronovitch is adamant that
making Peter mixed race wasn’t
an attempt to raise awareness of
the cultural homogeneity of most
Western fiction, or to make any
kind of political statement. “Unlike
a lot of people in the television
industry, I grew up in a mixed area
of London, went to a mixed school,
and it wasn’t until I was writing for
Doctor Who that I found out what
an all-white environment was like.
So it just never occurred to me to
not have non-white characters in
my story. “
Originally, Peter was destined
to be an even rarer kind of
protagonist: a mixed race woman.
However, Aaronovitch thought that
this might be one step too far for
cautious publishers. Whilst Grant
is the main character in the books,
it seems to be the supporting cast
- the snappily dressed, immortal,
and very badass Nightingale, the
ghost-hunting dog Toby, and the
vivacious Beverly Brook – who
have become really popular with
Left: The cover of Rivers of London
Above: The Royal Opera House sees the bloody climax of
the first book...
18| Interview
Above: Ben Aaronovitch poses with a handily-parked police van.
readers. Aaronovitch finds this “The thing is, writers never get that
highly amusing – especially as many famous”. He does, however, admit
of them were originally planned to to using his skills picked up from
be throwaway characters. Beverly, working in a bookshop to rearrange
for instance, was originally planned shelves to his own advantage. This
to be “just the girl who opened the may get to be a time-consuming
door” before developing into a love hobby, as the books are coming out
thick and fast: The first was written
interest.
The books are richly detailed in 2009, the second in 2011, and
with the intricacies of police Aaronovitch is finishing up the
procedure, and a confidence that third one at the moment. Now, he
makes them feel as if they were says, he intends to write two books
written by a lifelong police-officer. a year “until they tell me to stop!”
However, Aaronovitch has no Fittingly, as they were originally
police experience – he’s just done conceived as a TV series, he has had
a lot of research. He enjoys “that several offers to adapt the books for
phlegmatic, working-class London screen. However, none of them have
attitude that police officers have – come to anything, as Aaronovitch
you know, the sort that say ‘I ran insists on writing any screenplay of
into the room, saw a body, and them!
As for what might happen in the
thought, ‘he’s probably dead then’.
That phlegmatic way of talking was future, Aaronovitch hasn’t ruled
just one of the things that I grew out some trips outside of London.
up with, I love that. It’s the kind Although the city has so far played
of working-class equivalent of the an integral part in the books, he
stiff upper lip. They’re just barrow says that “the only thing that has
boys in uniform in some ways. It’s to be in a Peter Grant novel is Peter
the same sense of humour. For Grant”. However, with Oxford being
instance, I’ve never heard anyone the in-universe cradle of magic, it is
use the expression ‘brown bread’ unlikely that we’ll be seeing a book
set in Cambridge any time soon.
outside of the police.”
Whilst the books are proving very
Zoah Hedges-Stocks & James
successful here (Waterstone’s seem
to be promoting one of their own Burton – look out for the full
heavily) and abroad (the US edition interview online soon!
of Rivers of London was renamed
Midnight Riot) Aaronovitch says
that his success wont change him.
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
CambridgeStudent
Features
Beyond the May Balls
Julia Rampen looks at classic post-exam celebrations... and the alternatives.
Image: Julia Rampen, using photos by greenacre8, ky_olsen, prayitno, ming1967,
travellingtamas, twm1340, vicky_hugheston, ericlbc, stevecadman and jonl1973
A
procession of dinner
jackets and ball gowns
streaming through the
colleges in the wee hours
of the morning; boozy lunches on a
punt; a canopy of fireworks above the
river: these are the archetypal images
of post-exam celebrations in Cambridge.
The dreamy atmosphere of ‘Scheherazade’ (Clare, 2010) or ‘The
Grand Tour’ (Corpus Christi, 2009)
however belies the work needed to
create it. “We planned for over a year.
There was still a lot to organize in the
last week, including a lot of chair lifting,” a member of last year’s Newnham June Event committee, “It was
both exciting and busy.”
May Balls also have an impact on
the city as a whole. Cambridge City
Council has drawn up a manual to
help organisers. Bizarrely, one of the
key concerns for the Council is the
employment of irresponsible hypnotists.
Amongst other restrictions, the
hypnotist must not make, ‘any suggestion that the subject has lost
something (eg, a body part) which,
if it really occurred, could cause considerable distress’.
For the students who work at these
events, the glamour of the party can
sometimes be offset by the drudgery
of a long overnight shift.
Third year undergraduate Yebuny
Chandler has worked at various balls,
and while she enjoyed some jobs, she
was not impressed by Cambridge’s
richest college.
“At Trinity we were treated a bit
like slaves. The room we were given
as workers was very dingy with cold
jacket potatoes and really low quality
junk food, apparently to keep us going the whole night. In general I just
felt that there was very low morale.”
The importance of illusion extends
beyond the May Balls. In the wake
of exams, the university undergoes
a makeover. Joggers are swapped
for trailing silk dresses, hoodies for
blazers, until the city centre begins
to look like an Ede and Ravenscroft
fantasy come alive.
For Nathan Chan, one of the
founders of Caught on Cam, a style
blog, fashion in May Week is “an
expression of the Cambridge play
hard attitude, a bohemian rhapsody
of style”. Finalists who spent pajama
days in the library can now devote
hours to the study of perfecting their
appearance.
Campaign groups
seek to channel
some of this energy
into more profound
causes. On Saturday, Amnesty International supporter
Nicci Shall had eschewed dresses for
an orange boiler
suit as she sought
signatures for a
petition protesting
Guantanamo Bay.
Behind her, two
students sat resignedly in a large cage.
“It’s important
even during the
time when we’re
celebrating
our
freedom from exams to take the opportunity to stand
up for people who
can’t stand up for
themselves,” Nicci
explained.
Given the current
economic crisis, the luxurious beauty of May Balls can sometimes seem
surreal. Jacob Wills, a member of the
Socialist Worker Student Society,
points out that post-exam entertainment comes at a hefty price.
“We don’t have a collective position on hedonism. But Cambridge
students don’t collectively experience
hedonism. Many people can’t afford
balls, so there should be more free
events in May Week.”
May Week can be a heady experience, not least due to the amount of
alcohol consumed.
The showers of Cava outside the
examination halls are the first patter
of what slowly becomes a crescendo
of popping corks. Quantity, however,
is not always matched by quality.
According to Max Haberich, of the
Wine Society, the best place to find
good wine is the May Balls. “Wine,
in all degrees of quality, is central
to May Week celebrations. Imagine a spectacular seven-course meal
without a bottle of fine Burgundy, or,
even worse, Trinity and John’s without free-flowing champagne!” At the
same time, “It’s wise to pace oneself.”
The celebration of wine has its
epitome in the Wine Society’s garden
party, which includes the speciality champagne Pol Roger Blanc de
Blancs 1999.
At the same time, there are a significant number of students for whom
May Week is a non-alcoholic affair.
Rhys Cater finds that there are both
pluses and minuses to not drinking.
“When it comes to May Balls it feels
like you miss out a bit because such
a big part of it is the alcohol included in the ticket price.” On the other
hand, “You remember all of it next
day – even though some people who
do drink wish you wouldn’t!”
For Farah Jassat, it is important
that post-exam celebrations cater for
different interests and tastes. “Fun for
me is about the people you’re with.
May Week doesn’t have to be defined
by alcohol.”
Ultimately, in the general whirlwind of balls and garden parties,
it is easy to forget how vast and diverse an experience May Week is.
Thanks to the decentralized nature
of the university, multiple events can
be held all day, every day, celebrating everything from Indian culture
(Masti Garden Party) to ‘the glory
days of Attlee, Bevan, and Cripps’
(1940s Knees-Up Garden Party, Labour Club).
Such events also reflect the reality of student life, where various al-
legiances – to a college, to societies,
to an identity or a belief – exist side
by side.
Perhaps one of the reasons that
May Balls remain the backbone of
post-exam celebrations for so long is
that they act as a glorified smorgasbord, providing a bit of everything.
As Cater, a June Event committee
member, comments, “There’s so
much to see and do that it’s easy to
have a fantastic time without drinking.” And campaigner Jacob Wills
does not see anything incompatible
with protesting and partying.
“Personally I think all good socialists should break into as many balls
as possible,” he recommends.
Illustrations by Francesca Balestrieri
Features |19
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
May Week Review
REVIEW
St. John’s
500th Anniversary
REVIEW
Emmanuel
The Planets
★★★★☆
The Sunday of May Week,
and ‘The Planets’, Emmanuel
College’s Celestial May Ball,
glowed upon the horizon.
Perhaps flattered by its chosen
theme, the stars aligned on Sunday
to give Emmanuel perfect weather
conditions: guests queued in the
sunshine and there was never more
than a few spots of rain throughout
the night. Hoping to make the most
of our meteorological fortune,
we ran onto the paddock, only to
be greeted by the one black hole
of the May Ball: food queues.
Stands were too close together,
and in everyone’s haste to grab
something before heading off to
explore, guests ground to a halt
in the Food and Drink Area.
Queues began to bisect each other
as people joined in line, and – in
a similar problem elsewhere the popularity of an ill-stationed
moules-frites cart blocked the
entrance to Hall and Upper Hall.
However,
what
was
lost
organisationally was made up for
in classiness: in lesser-spotted
areas, we found oysters and sushi,
whilst a stone-baked oven was
erected later in the night to make
individual, artisan pizzas. At dawn,
the bucks fizz and pastries were a
welcome alternative to the largely
20| May Week
TCS reviews the one night at least when you’d rather
be at St. John’s than Oxford.
William Wordsworth Court featured
lines of his poetry stunningly
projected onto the buildings.
Food and drink-wise, one
would have had to be a very
tricky customer to have not found
something to enjoy here. Food on
offer included May Ball classics
like Hog Roasts well as curries
(including a vegetarian option)
served up in the court inspired
by Manmohan Singh, ex-Johnian
and current Prime Minister of
India. A diner-style tent on the
backs served up burgers, hot dogs,
as well as pick ‘n’ mix, candy floss
and milkshakes. For the alcohollovers, as well as the multitude of
standard offerings, barmen from
The River Bar served up delicious
cocktails and Sipsmith launched
an exquisite “Summer Cup”, which
took Pimms to a whole new level.
On the main stage, headliner
Big Boi was fairly well received
(despite a hilarious shout-out to
“St. John’s University”), though I
don’t suspect many of the Cindiesgoing Cambridge audience fully
appreciated his brand of hip hop.
UK hotshot, Chipmunk, also met
with a good reception, although
personally, the musical highlight of
meat-based
breakfast,
whilst
the cocktails, wine and absinthe
flowed throughout the evening.
In the absence of a chart-topping
headline act to rival the Tinchys
and Chipmunks of later balls, I
was initially dubious about Emma’s
entertainment, but the contagious
energy of the ‘French dance-pop
purveyors’ Yelle kicked up a storm
on the main stage and were (quite
literally) taken to heart by their
Cambridge audience. In a French
take on the Lady Gaga monster
claw, she had the crowd waving
hands held up in heart shapes as she
screamed “’ello Cambreeedge!
I love youuuu!”,
whilst
later
in the act one
ove r- z e a l ou s
fan
skipped
security
and
high-fived the
lead singer. The
skill and talent
of the Staircase
Band was also
a particularly
p l e a s i n g
d i s c ov e r y.
Guests enjoyed
boxing,
crazy
golf and comedy
from the Oxford
Imps and “The
Unexp ected
Items” (of ‘Gap
Yah’ fame),
whilst the Paddock was over-run
with fairground entertainment:
space hoppers, inflatable bungee
runs
and
gladiator
duels.
As always, Emmanuel is one
of the more entertaining balls in
May Week because it consistently
packs its space with things to do,
and this year was no exception.
As the sun rose over the paddock
the swing boats and laser quest
were still going strong, even as the
décor was slowly being pulled apart
by the bellini-happy ball-goers.
In short, Emmanuel Ball delivered
the otherworldly experience it
promised, and whilst it may not
have transported us to the sun and
back, we were definitely hovering
happily around some closer planet.
Kate Parker
The omens were not good. The
heavens opened as soon as I got
in the queue, which was already
snaking far past John’s by 7.15pm.
But, as both Guinness adverts and
the Cheeky Girls taught us, good
things come to those who wait.
Trinity was worth every minute
of the wait, and every penny.
The opening of the ball worked
well precisely because it kept us
on tenterhooks, slowly revealing
everything that was on offer. From
a champagne reception beneath the
Wren Library, it was a short step
down to the Scholars’ Lawn for the
fireworks. I’ll stick my neck out here:
the display lacked subtlety (flames
blasting out in time to the words
of ‘O Fortuna’) and any attempt at
musical cohesion (the ET theme
tune within minutes of ‘Brimful of
Asha’?) Maybe it’s my fault that I
can’t just go ‘ooh’. Besides, the sight
of everyone looking up into the
glow was enough to make it clear
that tonight was something special.
The crush that followed the
display was the only
really uncomfortable
moment of the night.
There were queues,
but they never really
dampened things –
nor, for that matter,
did the rain beyond
the first few hours.
When things did get
hectic, there was always
somewhere else to go.
The programme ran to
60 pages and required
pretty elaborate cross-
Photo: Billy Liu
Photo: Kate Pa
rker
To say that expectations were
high for St. John’s May Ball 2011,
which marked the college’s 500th
anniversary, would be putting it
mildly - for most of the year, one
cannot have failed to escape the
associated hyperbole such as the
rumoured ‘unlimited’ budget. It is
then a testament to the brilliance
of this year’s John’s Committee
that certainly for this reviewer,
these expectations were more
than met - they were surpassed.
The entire evening was full of
luxury, bordering on decadence.
From the dressage show by
ancient European “Knabstrupper”
warhorses on the Backs, to a
giant, 6-foot high, red “500”
erected in front of the entrance
to New Court, to fake snow and
an ice bar in the Chapel Court,
the College looked sumptuous.
The ball was designed as a
celebration of seven of the College’s
most illustrious alumni, with each
of the College’s seven different
areas themed and decorated to
correspond to one Old Johnian
each. Different alumni naturally
lent themselves more easily to
illustration - in particular the
Photo: Will Woodall
★★★★☆
Tuesday night was the Jazz Tent - I
defy anyone to watch acts such as
Cambridge favourites, The Staircase
Band, and What the Folk, and not
come away beaming from ear to ear.
And so to the John’s fireworks.
I think the best review of this
spectacle came in a text I received
from a friend watching them in
another part of the crowd - :o.
Just, :o. Backed by Beethoven’s
Ninth Symphony, Tchaikovsky’s
Swan Lake, and The Circle of Life
from Disney’s The Lion King,
the crescendi in the music were
accompanied by greater and greater
feats of pyrotechnic wizardry,
and the climaxes were timed
almost perfectly with awesome
technicolour explosions in the
night-sky. Quite simply, this was
the greatest fireworks display that
I have ever witnessed, and possibly
will ever witness, though I stand
ready to be corrected by John’s 2012.
Inevitably, there were small
faults. In particular, the security
did often seem rather excessive checking of wristbands on both
sides of the “Bridge of the Sighs”
got particularly annoying as
one traversed John’s in an effort
to sample everything on offer.
However, within such a gigantic
operation with so much going on,
that there were minor faults to be
found was inevitable. Essentially,
John’s took even the highest
expectations on Tuesday night and
beat them with aplomb - 5 stars.
Michael Yoganayagam
REVIEW
Trinity
1st & 3rd Trinity Boat
Club May Ball
★★★★☆
referencing: variety was the spice of
the night. So what if the cocktails
ran out by 3? There was still
plenty of sloe gin, and the surprise
highlight of warm apple brandy as
we punted into darkness past King’s.
If the main stage seemed to be
empty more often than not, the ball
instead showcased a particularly
wide range of local talent tucked
away in appropriate locations. I
stumbled upon some great classical
turns in the intimate OCR, and
gentle acoustic stuff worked well by
the three chocolate fountains (yes
- three). Also very welcome was
the chillout tent, which uniquely
provided a music-free spot to crash
with a cupcake and a fruit tea.
I could moan about little blips: a
mistake in the programme meant
we missed the Footlights, and at
the delicatessen, massive slices
of (gorgeous) cheese had to be
balanced on tiny slices of bread.
But I know that I couldn’t have
organised a party for thousands of
guests without doing far worse. Top
hats off to a committee who fulfilled
some very high expectations.
Jack Belloli
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
CambridgeStudent
May Week Review
I don’t really get but which people
seem to like, and Ms Dynamite got
the crowd moving nicely, but the
runaway star had to be Yasmin. A
new artist with just two top 40 hits
so far, she got the wildest reaction
of the lot – a great pick by the
committee. The Correspondents
managed
to
reinvigorate
everyone at the 5 am lull with a
blisteringly brilliant rock-n-roll
set in Old Court - phenomenal.
The food was fantastic quality
and plentiful. A particular favourite
had to be the hog roast, but Clare
also laid on paella, burgers, a deli,
Thai curry, and later on some
life-giving
bacon
sandwiches
(everything with perfectly palatable
veggie alternatives). And that’s not
even mentioning the sweet stuff:
ingeniously themed cupcakes,
doughnuts, candyfloss, and a
chocolate fountain, to name a
few. I made a noble attempt to
sample all the drinks on offer
(that’s journalistic integrity right
there) but I doubt I found them all,
such was the range. They started
running out of the most popular
alcoholic drinks at around 3.30 am,
but you could still snaffle a G & T
at 5.30 if you knew where to look.
I’m a first-time Ball-goer
and a Clare one at that, so my
impartiality probably couldn’t be
any more compromised if I tried,
but it was difficult to find much
Hughes Hall was a great ball
for people looking to have a good
time with friends rather than a fullblown May week experience. The
numbers were large enough that
there was a lively party atmosphere,
but there was no chance of
being separated from friends
and unable to find them again.
The size of the ball meant that
queues were not a major problem.
With a number of small bars
scattered around the college,
picking up drinks was fast and
easy and thoughtfully, the cocktail
bar also catered to non-drinkers.
Unfortunately however, a minor
gaffe saw the intriguing ice-elephant
with vodka shots coming from
the trunk melt before midnight.
The food was of good quality,
with falafel wraps, burgers, Thai
green curry and chilli con carne.
The noodles served throughout the
night weren’t great, but did a good
job of absorbing the alcohol. The
4am breakfast was a bit random,
with a bacon roll, sausage, cucumber
slice, tomato, and hard-boiled
egg; but it definitely hit the spot.
The breakfast was accompanied
by All the King’s Men, who must
have been one of the best acts of the
night. As Hughes Hall was such as
small ball, the bands playing were
local, and most of the ones after
twelve did not get many viewers.
The main musical attraction was
the silent disco, which lasted most
of the night. There weren’t enough
headphones for everyone but it
lasted long enough that anyone
interested was able to join in at
some point. The silent disco was
preceded by Orpheus, whose
chilled-out music was great, and
at just the right time for people
who were beginning to hit a wall.
The non-musical ents were
also good, particularly the Junior
Sinstars street dancers and the
Footlights. Although stand-ups
Phil Wang and Dannish Babar
were both funny, the central focus
of both acts on race got a little
tiring. The star of the Footlights
was undoubtedly the host, Pierre
Novellie, who stole the show.
The theme of the ball was Around
the World in 80 Days, which allowed
for some pretty random decorations
and ents. Each court had a different
country as a theme, and the small
outside beach was good fun. There
was a rodeo bull and bouncy castle
(or fort) to represent the Wild West,
and these had hardly any queues.
The outside swingboats were good
fun as well, although these were
closed down after two broke due to
over-zealous swinging. The biggest
disappointment of the night was
the promised hot air balloon, which
didn’t make a show (presumably
due to weather conditions), and
meant the ball lacked a real focal
Clare
Curiouser & Curiouser
★★★★☆
Photo: Olivia Lee
REVIEW
Robinson
Guardians of the
Realm
★★★★☆
Robinson’s low price of £85 (£115
for dining) and reputation as the
‘fun’ ball led me to expect a loweffort affair. So I was pleasantly
surprised by this imaginative and
well thought-out event. Yes, it
rained. A lot. But gladly, the ball
didn’t suffer for it, perhaps thanks
to the amount of indoor space used.
Not known for being one of
the more architecturally pleasing
colleges, Robinson played to
it’s strengths fantastically well
with its Guardians of the Realm
theme. The décor was consistent
and imaginative, the red brick
becoming a fortress for guests
against the hostile weather.
Entertainment-wise, there was
a great line-up, headline comedy
act Sean Walsh being so popular
that guests were turned away. The
main music stage had a fantastic
atmosphere,
and
alternative
and classical music stages were
provided for the more low-key
guests, although the classical
music was at points drowned out
by Jakwob’s dubstep. The Silent
Disco was also popular, although
malfunctions at 3am meant it had
to be turned into a regular disco.
Additionqally, the Dodgems and
Laser Quest proved very popular.
I can hardly fault the food. Again,
there was an effort to stick to the
theme, with the stress on good hearty
meals such as Hog Roast, Sausage
and Mash, Lamb Hot Pot, Roast
Chicken - a veritable feast. Equally,
there was an impressive range of
vegetarian options. The classic
chocolate fountains miraculously
kept running throughout the
entire event. The only downside
was that there were a few shortages
along the way, with the Hog Roast
running out at around 2am. On the
drinks front, there was an equally
good spread of both alcoholic
and
non-alcohol
beverages,
and water was readily available.
This is the first ball I have been to
where I’ve felt inclined, rather than
obligated, to stay the distance, with
some energetic salsa rousing the
guests during the early morning
energy slump. The atmosphere
was great throughout, perhaps
partly thanks to the good-nature
of guests. All in all, a valiant effort!
Olivia Lee
Jesus May Ball was off to a
promising start when individual
umbrellas, food and strawberries
and cream shots were provided for
the guests in the queue to get in.
This heightened the excitement
which peaked at the sight of the
lavish décor which accompanied
the theme of the Orient Express.
We were led into London
and could further explore
Paris, Constantinople, Vienna
and other exotic locations.
The sheer variety of locations
meant the ball felt like a never
ending adventure - one was
always finding new food to
taste and new places to explore.
The food and drink was of an
incredibly high standard with hog
roast, falafel and fajitas available
in different locations as well as
unlimited cocktails, shots and
smoothies throughout the ball.
There were provisions for
vegetarians with chips, pizza, pasta
and falafel in different areas and
soft drinks were available but were
very spread out through the event.
The only criticism to be made
of the tents was the long queues
at almost everything which
made it difficult to sample all the
food that Jesus had to offer but
it was all of such an incredible
standard that it was worth the wait.
The food was also nicely themed
with the different cities - the cheese
and wine tent was (obviously)
in Paris but this was really the
only indication of which sector
you were in - the art and décor
could potentially have made
it clearer which country you
were “entering into”. It was often
Photo: Alex D
avies
Clare May Ball 2011 ‘Curiouser
and Curiouser’ was indeed a most
curious event, but in a totally good
way. The Alice in Wonderland theme
was dazzlingly pulled off. Providing
a shisha garden, a casino, punting
trips, a silent disco, fairground
rides, massages, five stages with live
music and comedy, and a vodka ice
luge in the shape of an enormous
rabbit, the Ball Committee
created
something
genuinely
awesome on Monday night.
The queue to get in, although
long and rain-soaked, was the
last queue I saw all night – there
was some very slick organisation
at work here. Clare College,
with its picturesque gardens and
bridge, lent itself fantastically to
the theme. It was clear someone
had enjoyed themselves with the
decorations - with playing cards
lay strewn liberally and inventively
around the grounds, and Cheshire
cats and white rabbits looming
out of corners, the whole thing
felt that bit more psychedelic.
Of the headliners, Tinchy Stryder
did his Tinchy Stryder thing that
REVIEW
this Ball did wrong.
Matthew Tyler
REVIEW
Hughes Hall
Around the World in
80 days
★★★☆☆
point. The lack of wow factor
meant Hughes Hall did not really
feel like value for money. However,
this is not to say that there was
not a good time to be had, and for
this, the ball deserves recognition.
Jenny Grene
REVIEW
Jesus
Orient Express
★★★★☆
difficult to notice, while walking
through the College, where one
country ended and the next began.
Although the rain put a minor
dampener on the ball (no pun
intended), there was refuge to be
found in the various dance and music
tents which had entertainment to
please every guest’s musical taste.
The headliner, Professor Green,
was a hit and was met with approval
by the majority of the crowd. With
his outstanding stage presence
and crowd pleaser tunes he was
the perfect act for a May Ball.
An oversight on the part of the
committee was the scheduling
of comic Simon Amstell at the
same time as Professor Green one would have liked to catch
both acts in their entirety.
The acoustic tent was also
incredible and All the King’s
Men and Over the Bridge
stood out as crowd favourites.
All in all, the Ball was definitely
a night to remember and minor
glitches such as the timing
of
certain food’s availability
and the map provided in the
programme not being particularly
helpful can be overlooked
given the sheer excitement
and wonderment of the night.
Stephanie Lodola
May Week
|21
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Music
News and Reviews
Lady Gaga reveals video for
‘Edge of Glory’
It will probably rain for
Glastonbury
Susan Boyle: The Musical
Nicola Roberts wanted Kate
Bush on her solo album
Mumford and Sons are
terrible but are doing really
well in the US
What we think: It was the result of
a cock-up and not the good kind.
What we think: But it also might
not. Or it might rain on and off.
What we think: This is too good
to be true. We live in a wonderful
world.
What we think: Nicola Roberts ft.
Kate Bush? Cheeky bitch.
What we think: This isn’t really
news but we thought it was
serious.
SEBASTIAN
TOTAL
LADY GAGA
BORN THIS WAY
WOLF GANG
SUEGO FAULTS
★☆☆☆☆
★★☆☆☆
★★★★☆
Download:
Ross Ross Ross
Download:
Bad Kids
(Interscope, 2011)
(Ed Banger Records, 2011)
I feel so funky right now. But in a fake futuristic way. Like
I’m wearing Disco Stu’s fish tank platforms which, sadly,
I am not. Total is a tribute to the good ol’ days of new
rave, or nu rave, or neu-rave, or noo-rave or nuw-ray-ve.
If you’re not wearing some neon specs without the lenses,
it is difficult to see what you will get out of this album. If
you are, good for you. Enjoy sniffing your glitter glue.
One thing to say here is that SebastiAn is quite good
at making dark noises. A lot of these songs sound a
little bit evil, so listening to them alone is ill advised.
At the same time, most of these evil noises seem
to come from a strange drilling noise SebastiAn
(that’s how you’re supposed to spell it) puts in all
his songs so listening to them in groups is risky.
I also think M.I.A. shows up in one of the songs (though
I couldn’t be bothered to look it up so don’t quote me on
that), so this is all a bit trendy. Back to that drilling noise
though, it really is a bit headachey so either I am an old
woman, or this album is actually bad for your health. Who
will he market it to? I don’t know who wants this stuff. It’s
definitely too late. All the kids are listening to a different kind
of bass now but maybe it can be marketed to those youngish
people who get nostalgic too early. But we have Justice for
that. It must be shit being on the same label as Justice and
being SebastiAn. Nasty music. Rosie Howard-Williams
Born This Way might seem a bit terrible when you
first listen to it, but actually a lot of thought must have
gone into it if you think about it. The thing is, you see,
Gaga has taken all of the popular bits of all of her hits
and stitched them together so that Born this way is
like a composite Frankenstein’s monster type creation.
‘Judas?’ More like ‘Bad Romance pt. 2’, but less good.
‘Americano?’ ‘Alejandro’, with a little bit of ‘Poker Face’
thrown in which doesn’t work on any level. It’s like Gaga
thought, “I want to write an ethnic song” and threw in as many
accents as she thought she could manage. (‘Funny accents’
is a theme that Gaga likes to spread throughout the album.)
That said, when Gaga gets it right, Born This Way can be
damn good. ‘Heavy Metal Lover’ seems to fit right in with
the leathery aesthetic she’s got going here and ‘Bad Kids’ is
a gloriously over the top ode to being a badass with lyrics
a bit like ‘ah man, look at me spitting out my gum and
smoking in your face – I love when you’re mad’ etc. (NB:
those aren’t actually the lyrics; I just wanted to catch the
song’s spirit.) Unfortunately, though, this is about as good as
it gets and when Gaga gets it wrong, she gets it astoundingly
wrong. ‘Government Hooker’ is incredibly irritating and
sounds more like a Saturday Night Live parody of Gaga
than the ‘artiste’ herself. I’m not going to even mention all
the religion. Except for just now. Rosie Howard-Williams
(Atlantic, 2011)
Download:
The King and all
of his Men
Suego Faults is a bit of a grower. After the first couple of listens,
I would have described it as a passable guitar-y knockoff of
MGMT (good Oracular Spectacular MGMT, not pretentious
Congratulations MGMT). But then it kept sneaking onto my
playlists, and I listened to it more and more, and now I can’t
help but notice that I know all the words, and am singing along
much more loudly than my neighbour would appreciate.
Opener ‘Lions in Cages’ is a massive pop song that’s about as
synthy as the album gets. At the other end of the spectrum,
‘Back to Back’ is driven almost entirely by drums & bass
(not drum n’ bass), and sounds more like MGMT than
anything on the album.The real highlight, though, is ‘The
King and All of his Men’, the kind of huge fuck-off anthem
that everyone tries to write, and very few succeed at.
The biggest problem with this album is that it sometimes
feels like it’s trying a bit too hard to sound like them. Singer/
Songwriter McElligott’s clearly modelled his vocal style on
MGMT pretty heavily, and I can’t help but wonder what this
might sound like if he found a more unique voice. My music
library is filled with MGMT imitators, of varying quality, and
while Wolf Gang are at the top of the list, the album runs the
risk of quickly becoming forgettable as soon as the next act
rolls out, or even the eventual third MGMT album. So pick up
Suego Faults , and I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. You just might not
remember, or care, 6 months from now. Dominic Preston
Classic Album
The Comsat Angels - Waiting For a Miracle
I
t is 1980 and Joy Division
frontman Ian Curtis has
just killed himself. The post
-punk world is in turmoil.
Cue sainthood. When The
Comsat Angels (somewhat perfectly named after a story by JG
Ballad) released their debut, Waiting for a Miracle, the northern early
new-wavers had an opportunity to
accept Comsat Angels as their new
saviours. But, being grumpy and
generally loving misery, they didn’t.
‘No worshipping false idols!’, they
would say. ‘On your knees to pray
for forgiveness. Everyone! Do your
Curtis dance!’ They kept mourning
and complained about New Order instead. What a crap decision.
Waiting for a Miracle is an incredibly accomplished debut and though
it’s impossible to avoid comparisons
with Macclesfield’s finest, they are
22| Music
an oddly unique band, managing
to reconcile the darkest bits of Bauhaus with the catchiest bits of Gang
of Four. Album opener ‘Missing in
Action’ is just fantastic. Screeching
guitars, heavy basslines and sparseeverything else. Singer Stephen
Fellows sounds like he genuinely
means every world he sings with
his untrained but haunting wail.
Everything here is consistently excellent and consistently dark. It is
also intriguing to listen to so as to
see exactly who’s been influenced
by it. Throughout, it’s difficult not
to play a game of spotting who’s
stolen what. I guess what I’m trying
to say is that The Comsat Angels are
the guy who has a great idea and
doesn’t understand about copyright so gets stolen from and then
can’t legally say anything about it.
The thieves, on the other hand, are
hailed as ‘unique’ and ‘original’ and
‘innovative’ and saddest of all (for
a band with virtually no commercial success), ‘the next big thing.’
I, for one, cannot sit here and let
things like this happen. Nothing
they released after this was as good.
It is our fault that we ignored it in
our time of need. The Comsat Angels gave us what we needed and
we insisted on complaining about
no more Joy Division albums. If
that wasn’t enough, the thing was
recorded in ten days! TEN DAYS!
Could you do that? I don’t think so.
To stop this feature from becoming
a desperate bid for Comsat Angels
love, I would just like to say that, if
you do not getWaiting for a Miracle
you are basically condoning suicide
so that people can mourn Fellows
and get him sainted. Don’t think he
won’t do it. Rosie Howard-Williams
Illustration: Dominic McKenzie
The
Thursday, June 23, 2011
CambridgeStudent
Introducing...
The Buggles
You’ve heard of them but, Dominic Preston asks, do you really know them?
T
he Buggles were, undeniably, a one-hit wonder.
They’re one of the
better examples of
the archetype, really:
‘Video Killed the Radio Star’ was
number one in 16 countries, and
emerged from the early days of synthpop, standing comfortably alongside
Bowie, Devo, and The Human League.
‘Clean, Clean’ is everything that a pop
song should be: eccentric, fast-paced,
and catchy as fuck; while ‘I Love You
(Miss Robot)’ has a driving bassline
“The Age of Plastic is an album that
everybody should own and that
nobody does. Which is tragic.”
was famously the first ever music video to be broadcast on MTV.
Everyone knows the song, and yet
astonishingly few people even know
the name of the band that released it.
What even fewer people know is
that The Buggles, aka Trevor Horn and
Geoff Downes, released two albums
(to admittedly limited commercial
success), were both briefly members
of Yes, and have both had successful
careers since the band’s split in 1982.
Of course, ‘Video Killed the Radio
Star’ is a classic, and rightly so. Written together with Bruce Woolley, a
founding member of the band who
left shortly before the first album’s
release, and inspired by a JG Ballard short story, the song is a brilliant expression of the mixture of
that seems impossible to dislike.
My personal favourite has to be ‘Elstree’, the nostalgic lament of an ex-Bmovie bit-actor, brilliantly complaining “now I work for the BBC, life is not
what it used to be.” The Age of Plastic
is an album that absolutely everybody should own and that absolutely
nobody does. Which is just tragic.
While recording their second
album, eventually to be titled Adventures in Modern Recording,
Horn & Downes somehow ended
up becoming members of Yes,
contributing to Drama, the progrock band’s heaviest album yet.
How they went from synth-pop
to heavy prog-rock, no-one knows,
but Drama is much better than it
has any right to be, even if Yes did
wonder and anxiety provoked by
the rapid technological improvements in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s.
Computers were on the rise, and
suddenly robots, flying cars, and
god knows what else seemed to
no longer be pure science fiction.
This theme continued into the
band’s first album, The Age of Plastic.
Setting aside the general brilliance
of it being a sci-fi concept album,
it’s one of the better records to have
disband immediately after the tour.
Horn & Downes stuck together for what was to be The
Buggles’ second, and final album.
In fact, Downes left during the
recording process, so the band
technically managed to split up before the album was even released.
Adventures in Modern Recording is,
admittedly, not a classic. Less poppy
than The Age of Plastic, it shows the
influences of their time with Yes, even
featuring ‘I Am a Camera’, a reworking
of ‘Into The Lens’, a song from Drama.
Despite this, there are clear moments of brilliance even here.
The title track is about as anthemic
as synthpop can get. ‘On TV’ has one
of the strangest, and catchiest, keyboard parts I’ve ever come across.
Unfortunately, the album bombed.
Badly. It failed to chart at all in the UK,
and so The Buggles came to an end.
Downes had by now already gone
on to join the prog-rock supergroup
Asia, while Horn went on to become
a producer, working with acts from
Frankie Goes To Hollywood to Seal,
including a Grammy award for the
latter’s second album. The Buggles
were never to record together again –
although they did reunite last year to
play their first, and only, full-length
live concert. To the rest of the world,
they’re a classic one-hit wonder.
But look closer, and you’ll
find two great albums with
brilliant
sci-fi
themes,
and
some
pioneering
synthpop.
Illustration: Dominic McKenzie
Music
The object of my affection
TCS praises the best performances by inanimate
objects, unsung heroes of the cinematic world
T
he film industry is no
stranger to recognising the
ability of non-human actors.
Between 1951 and 1986, the
PASTY Awards honoured the most
distinguished animal performers.
The Fidos honour the top canine
thesps. However, while animals
have received recognition, there is
a whole non-human constituency
whose cinematic contribution
remains underappreciated: the
inanimate object. From Pulp Fiction’s
mysterious glowing briefcase to
Citizen Kane’s Rosebud, inanimate
objects have had a charisma all of
their own. In light of this, TCS pays
tribute to the performances that, in
their dramatic virtuosity, go beyond
the merely solid.
Wilson in Cast Away
Tommy Wiseau in The Room
The Room, written, produced,
directed and starred in by Tommy
Wiseau, is a serious drama. Indeed,
many a fan has asked: ‘Wiseau
serious?’ Wiseau, known for
guarantee Wiseau the mantle of
best performance by an inanimate
object in a film. O hai word count!
Chris Kerr
Trailer Watch
The Ring in Lord of the Rings
Peter Jackson could have got any
diminutive Hollywood darling,
stuck some hair on his feet and
given him a curly wig and he’d have
had a Frodo as good as the next
hobbit. However, there is only one
Ring.
With easily the most important
role, The Ring (a.k.a ‘my precious’)
maintains a consistently menacing
presence throughout the trilogy.
One memorable scene includes
several airborne somersaults
before landing on Frodo’s
finger in The Fellowship of
the Ring; it even does its own
stunts.
With the most closeups of any of the cast,
underwater scenes
and the perfection of a
disembodied voice,
it’s clear that The
Ring, and not Ian
McKellen, should
have received a Best
Supporting Actor
Oscar nomination.
Florence Smith
Photo: Flickr/Xurxo Martinez
When FedEx worker Chuck
Noland (Tom Hanks) is stranded
on a remote Pacific island, only the
tender companionship of Wilson, a
volleyball who washes ashore, keeps
him sane. It’s easy to dismiss Wilson
as just a device that allows Chuck to
express his feelings without talking
to himself. However, this would be
to belittle Wilson’s acting prowess.
The bloody imprint of Chuck’s hand
infuses Wilson with an eloquence
denied to his fellow volleyballs;
his tortured expression gives off
an unmistakable magnetism,
powerfully articulating his human
companion’s agony.
The final parting of Chuck and
Wilson at sea is, in its heartbreaking
anguish, akin to Rick and Ilsa’s
parting in Casablanca. That the
original Wilson should be cruelly
auctioned off to a FedEx CEO
stands as chilling testament to the
brutal treatment inanimate actors
still suffer at the hands of their
human exploiters. Daniel Janes
evading his fans’ questions, is as
po-faced under interrogation as it
is on screen. This is because Tommy
Wiseau is an inanimate object. In
the film, it plays another object,
named Johnny.
Johnny is a leathery, wax doll
capable of simulating speech as air
escapes from its vacuous centre,
and sometimes movement too, as
the wax melts under the expensive
studio lights. It is the victim of
Lisa, a psychopathic, object-sexual
BITCH, who treats Johnny worse
than his co-star, an American
football (see picture below).
At the emotional pitch of the film,
Johnny screams: ‘You’re tearing me
apart Lisa!’ It is not speaking
figuratively. The numerous
and interminable glimpses
of Johnny’s unclothed flesh
explain what is behind this
hysterical reaction. The
trauma of making The Room
has caused wax to migrate
to places it just shouldn’t
be. He really is falling
apart, under the force of
his own tectonics.
Wiseau is the only object
to have ever thoughtlessly
objectified his female lead,
all the while portraying
himself as a convincing
human. This alone should
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Conan the Barbarian
Photo: Lionsgate
Film
CambridgeStudent
Arnie’s shoes are awfully big ones
to fill, but Jason Momoa (Game of
Thrones) is going to try just that in
this Conan remake. This red band
(read: gore-filled) trailer gives a good
look at the awe inspiring violence on
offer. This will not be a subtle film,
but it should be an enjoyable one.
YouTube: ‘Conan Red Band’
The Muppets
Photo: Walt Disney Pictures
The
Jason Segel is bringing the Muppets
back to the big screen, and they’re
celebrating with a set of fantastic
parody trailers. The best of the lot
is below, for the fictional rom-com
Green With Envy, but look for the
brilliant Green Lantern and The
Hangover: Part II ones as well.
YouTube: ‘Green With Envy Trailer’
Matthew Vaughn
12A
132 mins
Vue
As the latest in a popular but recently
disappointing series, the onus is on
prequel X-Men: First Class to rejuvenate
the ailing franchise; and with some
inspired casting, an absorbing Cold
★★★☆☆
War setting and the refreshingly offbeat
energy of director Matthew (Kick-Ass)
Vaughn as its driving force, First Class doesn’t fail to deliver.
At its best it is stylistically superb, excellently cast and shows
unprecedented imagination in its portrayal of super powers.
However, its most impressive qualities are frustratingly
inconsistent. McAvoy and Fassbender somehow manage
to rival the show-stealing brilliance of the original trilogy’s
Xavier and Magneto in a way that is youthful, arresting and
entirely their own – but their scenes together are too few
amidst a mire of vapid, poorly drawn secondary characters
and shallow sub-plots. Every main plot arc manages to be
fun, smart and often thrilling, but a lack of overall coherence
leaves the film feeling hopelessly segmented.
These inconsistencies, however, are the product of the film’s
daring ambition and irrepressible enthusiasm for its subject
matter. There are simply so many ideas, characters and plot
threads that it would take some sort of mutant mastermind to
reconcile them all. For a non-super powered effort, First Class
is remarkable, but the fact remains that if it had narrowed its
focus it would have been a much better film.
As an addition to a well-established series, X-Men: First
Class is a highly entertaining - if slightly superficial – offering,
but at times its formulaic structure is put aside in favour
of more risky, more original and much more rewarding
methods. Occasionally the recycled villains are forgotten in
favour of more subtle character development, the expensively
tacky special effects are replaced by less ostentatious but more
artistic images, and First Class shows itself to be something
much more than the average action film. Sam Broughton
24| Film
Martin Campbell
12A
114 mins
Vue
To be perfectly frank, Green Lantern
is a mess. It’s a shame too, arriving
as it does in the midst of what is
arguably the peak of the superhero
genre. Since The Dark Knight and
★★☆☆☆
Iron Man we’ve had the brilliant
Thor, the irreverent Kick-Ass and, most recently, X-Men: First
Class - and we still have plenty more on the horizon. Comic
book movies have never been better, which makes it all the
more confusing that Green Lantern has made it this far. Five
years ago, a film like this would have been pretty standard for
the genre, but it just isn’t good enough any more. We’ve seen
how superhero films should be made, and it is not like this.
The titular Green Lantern possesses an alien ring that allows
him to will anything into existence, which tended to manifest
itself as giant glowy green fists in the comics. Over the years,
DC have built up an incredibly convoluted universe around
the character, with all sorts of alien races, interplanetary
conflicts, and so on, and they try to cram an awful lot of that
into this film, so much so that at points it feels like the film is
no more than a fictional galactic history lesson.
Ryan Reynolds gives us the same character he always does,
so there isn’t much to say about his performance except that
it offers absolutely no surprises. Blake Lively is the rather
bland romantic interest, while Peter Sarsgaard provides the
best performance here as the giant-headed villain Hector
Hammond. There’s a decent turn from Mark Strong, but he’s
hampered by one of the worst make-up jobs I’ve seen in a
very long time. He, like the rest of the film’s aliens, and the
planet Oa, just looks fake. This isn’t helped by the choice to
make Reynolds’ suit and mask CGI, so we’re left with his face
floating round a plasticky mess for most of the film. Director
Martin Campbell can be forgiven a lot thanks to giving us
Casino Royale, but even that doesn’t make up for turning in
the worst superhero adaptation in years. Dominic Preston
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
4: ON STRANGER TIDES
Rob Marshall
I’ll admit this now, right: I did not see
12A
the third film of these. I saw the first,
137 mins
which was excellent and saw the second
Vue
on the strength of the first, which was
more than a little bit disappointing and
★★☆☆☆
refused to see the third, lest my heart
get broken again. I am a once-bitten-twice-shy type of girl.
Anyhow, I decided to work up the courage to see this one.
With Orlando ‘you can’t tell I’m male’ Bloom and Keira ‘I act
with my jaw’ Knightley out of the way, I figured that this film
would surely be better than the second (and from what I’ve
heard, third) film, especially with the news that Geoffrey Rush
as Captain Barbossa was back. All I need from a Pirates film
is him, Jack Sparrow and a suitable amount of swashbuckling
and rum. What could possibly go wrong?
Unfortunately, On Stranger Tides is not what I wanted. I’m
not going to claim that it’s boring. It’s not. It just never reaches
the dazzling heights of the first instalment in 2003. Johnny
Depp is still pretty superb - though I’m sure his eyeliner has
got thicker every time we’ve seen him in this series - and
despite my mad Penelope Cruz-hate, she’s alright. The biggest
waste is that of Ian McShane as Blackbeard. His lines are
crap and it’s difficult to know whether it’s the result of poor,
effortless acting ‘cause he’s just thinking about his cheque, or
if the scriptwriter has never heard a proper conversation ever.
Given the rest of the film, I’d wager it’s a result of the latter.
On Stranger Tides has learned a few lessons from the
previous films. It doesn’t try to fit in anywhere near as much
plot, which makes it a little less exhausting to watch, but it
will always seem a little unsatisfying when put up against the
original. It seems to me that this franchise is dead. It’s so sad
that something so promising and beautiful was killed by its
creator, whose name is Gore. But we should put it to rest.
Maybe we can make a film about its downfall instead. It might
even be better. Rosie Howard-Williams
Photo: Walt Disney Pictures
GREEN LANTERN
Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
Photo: 20th Century Fox
Reviews
In praise of Adam and Joe
Daniel Janes pays tribute to the funniest, most
inventive pair on British radio
H
ow’s this for a radio
show? A superhero called
Stephen and a smelly dog
called Boggins live in the
‘Big British Castle’ and are aided
each week by a loyal contingent
known as the Black Squadron. From
the description, you’d be forgiven
for imagining a Mighty Boosh-style
surreal sitcom, or a bizarre new
addition to CBeebies Radio. In fact,
it refers to Adam and Joe, easily one
of the most inventive, charming
and, yes, loveable programmes on
British radio.
The programme, which has
just finished its latest twelveweek run on BBC 6Music, is
technically a breakfast show: it
broadcast between 10am and 1pm
on Saturday mornings, and was
originally between 9am and noon.
However, the term ‘breakfast show’
cannot do Adam and Joe justice,
suggestive as it is of macho inanities;
Radio 2 and 6Music controller Bob
Shennan’s praise of their ‘warm
and witty banter’ does not help
dispel this image. Rather, Adam
and Joe specialise in the offbeat, the
handcrafted, the imaginative. Every
episode is infused
with12:04
their Page
geeky1
tcs_103x180
19/01/2011
creativity.
Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish
have known each other since
they were thirteen, and have been
broadcasting together since 1996
when their cult The Adam and Joe
Show was first shown on Channel
4. Then as now, it was a lovingly
put together, low-budget showcase
of their creativity and love of pop
culture. Highlights included spoofs
of films acted out with soft toys
(such as Toytanic) and Quizzlestick,
an absurdly complicated game
show that predates Mitchell and
Webb’s Numberwang by at least
five years and easily surpasses it in
comedy value.
The ultimate highlight of their
programme, however, was their
musical numbers; these included
the hilarious ‘Bobby De Niro Song’
(‘He did some comedy in a film
with Seany Penn/He will never,
never, never try that again’) and
‘The Footie Song’, a mock football
anthem written despite – or, indeed,
because of – the fact that neither of
them knows a thing about football.
This musical turn has thankfully
followed through to their radio
show. This manifests itself in their
homemade jingles before features,
but the most prominent expression
OCCULT KNOWLEDGE
& TRUTH
An announcement for genuine seekers only
�
There is a SECRET order that teaches the Sublime
Occult Mysteries. Many make such claims — few
possess the ability to fulfil them. Nevertheless, the
Ancient Holy Mysteries have been re-established in
order that GENUINE seekers may find the TRUE
LIGHT.
Only students who are sincerely interested and
prepared to work with determination and devotion
for many years will be considered. In his
endeavours the Student will find no glamour and
no personal contacts, and ‘mystery-mongers’ and
‘thrill-seekers’ will waste their time making enquiry.
If you REALLY want to study the Ancient Mystery
Teachings in their entirety as never before
revealed, please write to:
IRS, Dalton House,
60 Windsor Avenue
London SW19 2RR, UK
www.isohm.com
CambridgeStudent
of their musicality is ‘Song Wars’.
In this feature, both Adam and
Joe write and record a song on a
given topic and ask listeners to vote
for which one they prefer. Their
songwriting efforts have resulted
in numerous gems, the shiniest
of which are their own takes on a
theme song for the then-upcoming
Bond film, Quantum of Solace.
Adams’s contribution, for example,
had the chorus: ‘I want some
solace, but only just a quantum/I
know they do big bags of solace,
but I don’t want ’em’. Both versions,
incidentally, were far preferable to
what became the actual song, Jack
White and Alicia Keys’s ‘Another
Way To Die’.
Television
You both want to tell
the world about them
and to keep them as
your own special secret
Their longstanding friendship
means that the two have an easy
chemistry, and their matching
interests and temperaments have
led to a wealth of running jokes and
motifs. Indeed, to become a regular
Adam and Joe listener is to be
initiated into a chaotic, crazy world.
The BBC is the ‘Big British Castle’;
dedicated listeners who tune in to
their Saturday programme from the
beginning are the ‘Black Squadron’.
Adams’s creation of Boggins, a
shaggy dog with a penchant for
Adam Buxton (left) and Joe Cornish
(right), 6Music’s all-singing, all-dancing
Bowie-obsessed pop culture fantastics
licking Joe’s face, divided listeners,
with calls for the canine to be put
down. One of the longest-running
features is the practice of what
they call ‘Stephenage’, in which one
shouts the name ‘Stephen!’ and the
other shouts ‘Just coming!’, a joke
which originated in a listener’s
description of an eponymous
superhero he invented as a child.
Shouting ‘Stephen!’ at a rock concert
is a great way to see if there are any
other Adam and Joe fans in the
vicinity; there are many instances of
Photo: BBC
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
this on YouTube, testament to their
devoted fanbase.
The pair’s shambolic, nerdy
manner is accessible but places
them just outside the mainstream.
The Adam and Joe fan always finds
him- or herself in a dilemma: they
want to tell the world about them,
but at the same time they want to
keep them as their own special
secret. Go on: download their
podcasts and type their names into
YouTube so that they can be your
own special secret too.
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Theatre
REVIEW
Rhinoceros
★★★★☆
MANGLES LOCAL
PUSSY. Probably the directors’ best innovation,
though, is the four-piece
band they have put on
stage, providing freshlywritted incidental music
delightfully suited for
the performance. Light,
Beirut-ish tunes start,
perfect French cafe stuff.
Then increasingly anarchic, the thudding
of an upturned bin, for
hooves, snorts of trumpet – and probably my
favourite, the accordion
squeeze, plucked from a
horror-film, to smooth over those difficult transformation moments, keep you
on your toes and the tension high as the
magic happens on stage.
But to be honest - I’m never going to
write a dissertation ever again; no more
practical criticism, themes and interpretations and Freudian analyses. Words
like “dichotomy” and “flux” shall no
longer pass my lips. We like this play cos
it’s a whole loada fun. A costume party.
Bring your best animal outfit. Madeleine
Morley’s horned masks are very good,
on leather gimp-suited rhinos. And
someone’s made a fine squashed cat
prop to chortle at. That, and Ionesco’s
great one-liners, the stupid noises, the
screaming – who cares about subtexts
now? And you can go and watch all the
3D spectaculars you like – Rhinoceros is
real entertainment.
REVIEW
Armageddapocalypse 2.5
★★★★★
Image: Pembroke Players
W
Xanthe Dennis
Image: Katie Churchill
e have 3D to thank for
turning film into a monotonous spectacle.
Apparently all we want
in cinemas now is to have imaginary
basketballs thrown at us. They trampled
on Alice in Wonderland, there was that
Avatar thing, and even the Tempest was
deemed fit to be jazzed up jazzed on and
filled with whooshy CGI gimmickery
from start to finish. And if Rhinoceros
ever makes it there, I’m sure it will get
similar treatment.
For what the second half of the play
requires is a trick – the magic touch, as
person after person transforms in front
of our eyes into a lumbering, stomping,
snorting pachyderm, with no special effects. Enough to make a director weep
into his frothy mochaccino.
But Ceci Mourkogiannis and Heather
Williams seem to have that magic touch.
The extraordinary metamorphosis
arises out of the commonplace – all those
everyday inanities Ionesco moulds together, the meaningless language we
spout without thinking in cafes, bars,
newspaper articles. He fills his play with
stock-characters, an idiotic ‘Grocer’,
a
pedantic ‘Logician’,
a hysterical
‘Housewife’ –
all the furnishings we come
to expect. The
directors have
been faithful
to this flatness:
“He’s changed
so
much”,
Berenger
(James Morris)
whines about
his old friend
Jean
(Sam
Curry). Jean has
indeed changed—into a rhinoceros.
And so the actors, quite rightly, make no
effort to imply any hidden depths, any
individual psychology at all. The ‘collective psychosis’ is over-acted throughout- most brilliantly by Jennie King, the
Housewife. How else could one represent ‘rhinoceritis’?
The play is thinly-cloaked exploration
of twentieth-century fascism; the contagious delusion that seduces even the
unionist Botard (Jake Alden-Falconer):
“You have to go with the flow”. But it is
not without its ironies, as the persecutors become the persecuted, and reality
slides away into relativism. These ironies
are cleverly exploited by the director:
one of my favourite moments was a tableau at the beginning the second act, in
which four office workers hold up their
newspapers to the audience to display
the headline, IMMIGRANT RHINO
F
or such a boldly-titled production, Armageddapocalypse 2.5: Armagedinburgh
began quite sedately.
The audience is settled in with a
talking heads making-of piece that
methodically satirises all the usual
targets of ridicule in the film industry
(yes, exactly the ones you are thinking of right now) before the show really begins, and though it goes on for
a little longer it needed to, it provided
a bedrock of affectionate parody and
deadpan surrealism, from which the
main event could launch itself in a
manner not entirely dissimilar from
a ballistic missile.
The play, once begun, was exactly
as absurd as the title promised, full of
silly puns, pantomimic stupidity, and
voices rivalling Batman’s in gravel per
unit speech.
Lucien Young and James Moran’s talent for ridiculous spectacle
blends excellently with the measured
nonsense of the making-of, and the
periodic returns to the latter in the
form of “director’s commentary”, delivered with remarkable believability
by Johan Munir, provide a welcome
change of pace.
So the play benefits from both
understated and overstated delivery,
each complementing the other by
their contrast: paradoxical, yes, but
not even the only impossible thing it
gets away with.
The presentation is a spectacular
mix of the endearingly naff, epitomised in the cute shadow-puppetry
interludes, and a genuinely impressive swordfight between Moran and
Young at the climax.
Earlier on, Tamara Astor in a gunfight takes a Matrix-style evasive
backwards cartwheel: undeniably
impressive.
Moran delicately helps her legs
over to complete the move: brilliantly
rubbish.
It’s hard to say which of the two
aspects made the audience burst into
applause, but she - they - fully deserved it either way.
I never saw Armageddapocalypse
on its first run, so I can’t easily compare the two, but I’m told there were
genuine explosions, so I’m somewhat
sorry that the budget couldn’t extend
that far again.
In fact, for a play that predicates itself so firmly on the virtues of things
rapidly fragmenting, surprisingly few
explosions, even CGI or implied, actually take place, and those that do
could have been greeted with a little
more ceremony.
Though I said the shadow puppetry and the clearly-someone’s-laptopscreen projection (you could see his
CV on his desktop before he started
the film) were adorable, and I stand
by that, I don’t think the occasional
audio de-synchronisation was the appealing kind of amateur, nor was the
use of lighting particularly ambitious
or expressive (the only exception to
which was the exotically coloured
dream sequences, which provided a
refreshing change of otherwise quite
bare scenery).
So there were ways in which the
silly fun low-budget feel leaked into a
conventional low-budget feel and behind all the sheer, fantastic audacity
of the script, the production behind
it didn’t always keep up.
These are nitpicks, though, and
there were plenty of touches that
surprised in the other direction - the
making-of was faultlessly put together, the props were appropriate and
usually of high quality (again, the
sword fight was a definite high point),
and the actors took their roles with
relentless energy and conviction.
Munir’s Zack-Jack ‘the Zach’ Jackson managed his role particularly
superbly; his face and tone never betraying the absurdity of his words.
Overall, then, there’s too much to
love about Armageddapocalypse to
let any of the niggles really upset you.
It’s so relentlessly good fun, one can
believe that if the audience were all
suddenly swept away by a hurricane,
they’d finish the show anyway just for
a lark.
The script has multiple independent instant-classic moments, and
though it’s straightforward enough
that you can often work out the
punch line before it arrives, the occasional moment of homoeroticism or
sudden segue into teen high-school
drama is more than enough to keep
you on your toes.
The real success of Armageddapocalypse is, given the choice between being quaint or slick, clever or
stupid, reserved or demented; it has
enough material and talent behind it
to smugly tick “all of the above”.
You and your friends will be able
to hold entire conversations just
quoting lines and giggling, and that
labour-saving device alone is enough
motivation to give it a go.
Ben Millwood
Armageddapocalypse 2.5 will be
showing at the Edinburgh Festival
Fringe, August 4-28.
A small way
to make a
@
BIG difference
to Access to Cambridge
Low commitment, flexible and
informal, e-mentoring provides a
way to reach out to students in Year
12 from state schools and colleges
across the UK who might not
otherwise be considering Cambridge.
Responding to their individual interests,
concerns and ambitions, you'll help to guide
them through their decision-making processes
and expand their horizons. This is a very
rewarding programme: it requires little effort but
can have a huge impact.
We are a moped loan charity established with the aim of assisting individuals to
access and maintain employment where other transport is not available.
We do this by removing most of the individuals up front costs, thus removing
transport as one of their barriers.
Kickstart can provide moped loans throughout East Anglia.
Moped loans can be made to anyone eligible to hold a UK driving licence
providing they can be insured.
Moped loans start once job details are confirmed
We also offer short term moped loans for someone who needs transport until they
have passed their driving test (if booked), or own a vehicle that is currently off the
road, being repaired etc.
Individuals then pay either a weekly or monthly payment towards the Kickstart
scheme at the end of which the moped is theirs to keep.
For more information, feel free to contact Kickstart
weekdays between 9am and 5pm on 01362 699923
or email [email protected]
www.kickstart.btck.co.uk
SPORT
The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
What are you Like?
Can Facebook tell us more about the average sports fan? Olivia Lee explains.
The time of lie-ins and lazy afternoons
has arrived, and those of you who
fancy whiling away some of those
empty hours after exams could try
having a look at a new app, created by
Cambridge researchers, to see if the
stereotypes we swear by are actually
true. ‘Like Audience’ gives you the
average personality types of groups
that are ‘liked’ on Facebook. You can
draw up a profile of fans of anything:
Salsa dancing (extraverted), Meatloaf
(unhappy), birdwatching (old).
next time you see drunken football
supporters staggering out of a pub
with a beer in each hand, belting
out their cleverly thought-up chants
(“Park, Park wherever you may be”
springs to mind), remember that
they are not only more emotionally
stable than you, but generally happier
in their lives.
Unsurprisingly, football fans tend
to be male. On average they are
also quite traditional with low levels
In a highly scientific experiment.
(basically involving different sports
being typed into the website) we
found that some of the things assumed
about football louts are not necessarily
accurate. For instance, despite what
people say about the aggressive
and antisocial behaviour of football
fans, the majority of supporters are
actually very high on life satisfaction
(i.e. happy people). Interestingly,
they tend to be very stable as well. So
Image: Moazzam Brohi
The new app lets us
see if the stereotypes
we swear by are
actually true.
of openness to new experiences,
relatively conscientious, and have a
low IQ (don’t protest, there is now
statistical evidence!). Tennis, on the
other hand, seems to attract very
intelligent people. It has a 98% for
IQ (meaning that the IQ of those
who ‘like’ tennis is higher than those
who ‘like’ 98% of other groups). In
fact, football seems to lag far behind
other sports in terms of supporters’
IQ. Dance comes in with 93%,
basketball with 85%, golf with 84%
and swimming with 68%. Dance,
incidentally, seems to be a good
avenue to pursue. ‘Likers’ are high on
all five personality traits (extraversion,
conscientiousness,
agreeableness,
openness and stability) and have
high life satisfaction, although they
have fewer friends on average. So if
anyone (God forbid) doesn’t do quite
as well as they were hoping in exams,
drop out and become a dancer. You’ll
be very happy apparently.
An interesting trend is that all sports
(bar dance) tend to have low levels of
openness to experience, meaning that
they are quite traditional and not too
fond of novel situations. We can only
speculate as to why. Perhaps those low
on openness are attracted to the rules
and regulation that accompany sport.
Perhaps they see sporting activity
as being tied up with traditional
attitudes - this could certainly apply
to sports such as cricket and rugby or with unflinching support for one
team. That being said, it does seem
odd that sport attracts these people
despite the fact that at times it can be
incredibly unpredictable.
Another trend to be noted is that
Sports fans tend to
have low levels of
openess to experience.
most sports ‘likers’ are single. We
could theorize that this is due to the
conflict produced by supporting
different teams - a relationship between a Manchester United fan and
a Liverpool supporter would surely
end in disaster - but perhaps this is a
little too deep an evaluation. It seems
more likely that the lack of romantic
interest can be put down to the fact
that the average age of sport ‘likers’ is
between 20 and 25.
So if you’re interested, why not have
a little look at some of your likes. You
might be surprised what you find out
about yourself.
Golf: Magnificent McIlroy makes up for Masters
Just months after choking in the final
round at the Masters, Rory McIlroy
bounced back last weekend with a
record breaking victory in the US
Open.
Carding rounds of 65, 66, 68 and
69 he won the championship with
a remarkable score of 16 under par.
Posting a score four shots better than
the previous record low score in the
competition, the Northern Irishman
illustrated his stunning potential.
Beating the US Open
record by four shots,
McIllroy showed his
stunning potential.
At just 22 years old, he is five
months younger than legend Jack
Nicklaus was when he won his first
championship. Nicklaus went on to
win 18 majors in total, a record that
has yet to be eclipsed.
Although it is dangerous to place
too great an expectation on one so
young, comparisons are already being drawn between McIlroy and his
idols. In particular, Tiger Woods’ effort at the 1997 Masters is an achievement often highlighted when discussing the extraordinary talents of
young players.
The only obstacle that ever seemed
likely to threaten the Irishman was
his own mental state as he led from
start to finish, leaving his competitors trailing in his wake. However,
there was no repeat of the previous
breakdown as he stormed to a majestic victory.
“The whole week has been incredible - I could not have asked for any
more and I am so happy to hold this
trophy,” said McIlroy, who dedicated
his win to his father. A US Open
championship is hardly the kind of
gift every son can give their dad on
Fathers’ Day and McIlroy’s words
bear testament to the support he has
received on his way to the top.
It was a particularly proud day for
Northern Ireland as the small nation
celebrated a second successive US
Open winner. Last year Graeme McDowell brought the trophy home and
once again there is cause for much
Guinness to be consumed. McIlroy is
a true homegrown talent who has not
forgotten his roots, and his victory
was met with glee by those at McIlroy’s home golf club at Holywood.
A US Open championship is not the kind
of gift every son can
give on Fathers’ Day.
Unsurprisingly, McIlroy has already stated that he is hungry for
more major victories. “To get my first
major out of the way quite early on in
my career, especially after what’s happened the last couple of months, feels
great,” he said following his victory.
“Now I’m looking forward to putting myself in the picture for many
more.”
More performances
like this will see
McIlroy climbing the
order sharply.
Image: zzazazz, Wikimedia Commons
Ollie Guest
In order to truly establish himself
as a powerful force in golf he will
have to improve on his current rank
of world number four. Given the
dismal performance of the current
world number one, Luke Donald, a
few more performances like this one
will see McIlroy climbing up the order pretty sharply.
McIlroy intends to have a rest for
three weeks before returning to the
course. When he returns, he will have
to cope with an increasingly star-like
status, something that will intensify
the pressure on him. He has broken
the hoodoo which haunted him not
only at this year’s Masters but also after a stunning start in the 2010 Open
championship, but now yet more
hype will undoubtedly come his way,
and only time will tell whether the
young man is up to the challenge.
The
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Why worry about beating Oxford
when you can race cardboard boats?
Devon Buchanan
Image: Amelia Penny
Last Sunday, the banks of Jesus Green
were filled with spectators watching
the third annual Cambridge University Cardboard Boat Race. They saw
around 40 boats take to the river and
most of them capsize, suffering structural failure or otherwise turning into
a crumpled, soggy heap.
Not every boat suffered this fate around ten boats reached Magdalene
bridge, picked up an extra passenger,
and returning to the banks of Jesus
Green.
The fastest team consisted of Chris
Bellamy (Homerton), John Hale, and
Charlie Pitt-Ford (Pembroke), all
engineers and members of the Cambridge University Lightweight Rowing Club. Their boat was based upon
those used by the rowing club, took a
week to build, and was designed us-
ing computer models.
The race was founded by Katrin, now finishing her third year at
Pembroke. She found inspiration in
America, where cardboard boat races
are held in most universities. The first
race was in 2009 between four boats
on the St John’s Backs, after which
they were evicted to Jesus Green by
the porters. This year interest exploded after the event was publicised on
Facebook, with 1,500 saying they’d
attend.
The organisers, winners, and losers
offered some advice to those thinking
of building a boat for next year:
• Cover the boat in gaffer tape, inside and out.
• Use a tray from Hall to make paddles - cardboard just goes floppy.
• Don’t cut a hole in the side of your
boat (a mistake made by this journalist).
CambridgeStudent
Sport |29
Cambridge secure cricket Twenty20 Varsity
victory by the skin of their teeth
Michael Alhadeff
If you thought it was not possible
to squeeze anything more into May
Week, think again. Having firmly established itself in the Varsity calendar
since the inaugural event in 2008, the
Twenty20 format perfectly complements May Week headiness. The
razzmatazz that comes with it was on
show for all to see at Fenner’s Cricket
Ground last Friday.
Unfortunately, this corner of East
Anglia doesn’t quite match some of
the more glamorous outposts of T20
cricket. The weather didn’t help; the
swirling wind and constant drizzle
dampened the mood.
In truth, the spectators seemed
to struggle to fully engage with the
match, which revealed some of the
pitfalls of the T20 format. For all
the game’s brashness, many matches
can descend into spluttering affairs,
especially if both sides fail to reach
their full potential. In this match, the
conditions certainly didn’t help, with
the overcast and damp conditions favouring the bowlers.
With Oxford put into bat by the
Light Blues’ captain, the openers
reached the middle with trepidation.
However, Sam Agarwal has past history in this fixture, having scored 88
to guide Oxford to victory last year.
He clearly intended to pick up where
he left off, smashing a boundary from
the first ball of the match. Oxford
were not about to give up their crown
lightly.
However, Cambridge managed to
produce an early breakthrough to
stake their claim to reclaim the crown.
Despite displaying early confidence
with the bat, Ben Williams fell cheaply, playing a loose shot to be caught
in the field. Oxford sill reached 40-1
after their power play as Agarwal
continued to show his fine shot making ability, using his feet to steer the
ball down the ground. Meanwhile,
in attack, Thomas Probert’s pace was
able to trouble the batsman, though
without much reward.
Momentum is so important in T20
cricket as the runs need to constantly
tick over. Cambridge’s decision to put
spin on at both ends was clearly an
attempt to stifle any momentum that
Oxford were gathering. It worked in
spectacular fashion. Paul Best swung
the game towards Cambridge by taking two wickets in two balls. Suddenly, at 56-4, Oxford looked incredibly
vulnerable.
Agarwal completed a confident
fifty with a four through the covers.
Unfortunately for Oxford, he was unable to stay for much longer as Best
struck again to claim his third lbw
victim, dismissing Agarwal for 52.
His finishing figures of 4-12 made
him the stand-out bowler.
Like the weather, Oxford’s innings
limped to the end. After the loss of
Agarwal, the Dark Blues failed to

Wasteful Light Blues suffer Varsity football
disappointment
3
Cambridge
1
Michael Alhadeff
Sport can be a funny business at
times. Form books can be ripped to
shreds in an instant, and the unexpected is always lurking round the
corner. That’s what makes sport so
interesting and wondrous; there are
an infinite number of possibilities at
any given time.
Indeed, on Friday 6th May, the form
book appeared to have been taken to
the shredders once again. Despite
sitting two leagues below Oxford in
the BUCS university league pyramid,
Cambridge’s male footballers put in
a performance that largely obscured
this distinction. It was thus time to
prepare for the unexpected.
However, there were more twists
in this sporting tale, and ultimately
everything seemed to cruelly turn
against the Light Blues to ensure
that the shock result that seemed
to be on the cards did not ultimately materialise. The football
gods must have been smiling on
Oxford as numerous chances went
begging for Cambridge, and the
Dark Blues were able to retain their
Varsity crown.
In truth, however, Cambridge’s
major flaw was far from supernatural;
their inability to defend at set plays
proved their Achilles’ heel. They continually knocked on Oxford’s door
but it was the Dark Blues who were
able to seize the moment.
The match, played at Oxford United’s Kassam Stadium, had a subdued
start. Both teams appeared tentative,
and took a while to size each other up.
Space opened up, however, and Cambridge proceeded to attack, particularly down the left; Ryan McCrickerd
was able to get in some early crosses
as he showed signs of what would
become a continual threat to Oxford,
expertly combining precision with
pace. It was surely only the fact that
he ended up on the losing side which
denied him Man of the Match.
The football gods
must have been
smiling on Oxford.
It was Oxford, however, who drew
first blood. A rare venture into the
Cambridge half resulted in a throwin, from which the ball bounced in
the box, begging to be hacked away;
instead it was left to Alec Ward to
head in the opener.
This seemed to inspire Cambridge
to redouble their efforts, and McCrickerd was soon able to reap the
rewards. As the ball arrived at the
edge of the Oxford area, he sent it
thundering into the back of the net.
Parity restored, the Blues looked to
push on again, with Ross Broadway
an increasing presence in midfield.
The Light Blues looked set to take
the lead, only for the ball to be agonisingly cleared off the line through
some unorthodox yet effective defending from on the floor. From here.
Oxford were able to land another
sucker punch. Again it was a set play.
Again it was Ward. And again it was
the same result.
The start of the second half, however, showed that the Blues had not lost
faith. Indeed, James Rutt sent a powerful drive crashing against the cross
bar. However, once again Cambridge
pressure translated into an Oxford
goal, as the Dark Blues simply went
up the other end and capitalised on
more poor defending from a set play.
This time Anthony Beddows took
Cambridge up on a generous offer.
Cambridge kept fighting, pouring
forward in numbers and creating
numerous chances which came and
went. The world seemed to move in
slow motion as one fell to Revell. As
the ball flashed across the front of
the goal, Revell looked ready for a
stooped header three yards out; it will
remain a mathematical mystery as to
how the ball only ricocheted off the
post. Later, Haitham Sherif, tireless
all evening, completed the hat-trick
of connections with the woodwork.
This time, a lob beat the onrushing
keeper but not the post.
Cambridge unexpectedly reversed
the form book in terms of the play,
but the events of the match ultimately
had a familiar course. Sport’s unpredictability came to the fore again.

VOLUNTEER CONCERT STEWARDS

West Road Concert Hall
11 West Road, Cambridge CB3 9DP
October 2011 – May 2012
ENDELLION STRING
QUARTET
‘Resident Quartet’,
University of Cambridge
Photo: Eric Richmond
Oxford
reassert themselves in the crucial final overs; fine bowling at the close
by Paddy Sadler helped contribute
to this. His performance secured
Cambridge a very realistic chance of
claiming the title.
However, this expectation was
clearly on the minds of Cambridge’s
batsman as they walked out into the
middle. A couple of loose shots by
Anand Ashok highlighted the tension. Ashok appeared constricted
throughout his innings, only managing 19 in 15 overs. Meanwhile, Captain Richard Timms lost his wicket
early on.
It was left to Gus Kennedy to provide Cambridge’s innings with real
impetus, striking two fours in one
over on his way to a useful 35. Frankie
Brown also made a lively cameo appearance, notably striking the first six
of the match to enthuse the crowd. It
left Cambridge in a seemingly comfortable position at 79-4.
A mini collapse followed, however,
as quick wickets were taken and the
run rate slowed, and Cambridge were
left to stumble over the line. A couple
of boundaries inched them closer,
with Phil Ashton smashing a six to
claim the winning runs. Despite the
struggle, a bit of glitz finished the
match in true T20 style.
Cambridge had done just enough
and will anticipate the two further
Varsity matches (one 50-over and
one four-day) with confidence.
The Endellion is arguably the
finest quartet in Britain’
– The New Grove Dictionary
of Music and Musicians
CAMBRIDGE INTERNATIONAL
PIANO SERIES
BRAND NEW SERIES featuring
leading, international pianists.
Artistic Director: Martin Roscoe
In exchange for a , stewards (4 per concert)
are needed to help with ushering and selling tickets, programmes
and CDs – and generally being a friendly and helpful point of contact
for the audiences. If you would like to join the team of volunteers,
please email [email protected] or ‘phone Hazard
Chase on 01223 312400. Please let us know whether you would
prefer to steward for the Endellion String Quartet or for the Piano
Series (or if you would be happy with either!).

ESQ – 19 October 2011, 30 November 2011, 18 January 2012,
7 March 2012, 25 April 2012 and 9 May 2012
CIPS – 12 October 2011, 16 November 2011, 25 January 2012,
15 February 2012 and 2 May 2012.

The
CambridgeStudent
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
30| Sport
Caius-y peasy once again
Fran O’Brien
Deputy Sports Editor
All images: David Hardeman
For those who have been around
Cambridge for just a few years,
normal service has been suspended. For those who have been
around a little longer, normal service has been resumed. First and
Third (FaT) Trinity have held the
headship in the men’s May Bumps
since 2008 but prior to that Caius
had been at the top for nine out of
ten successive years. On Thursday,
Caius took the throne once more,
making the much-anticipated bump
back to headship.
Caius M1 have been unstoppable
since Lent Term, when they took
blades and the Lent headship. Their
form continued throughout Easter
Term, and few were predicting anything other than a Caius headship
in the Mays. They bumped Pembroke on Wednesday to give them
the first of three chances to take the
headship, but they only needed one,
bumping FaT on Thursday shortly
after Ditton Corner.
Downing were a class apart in
the women’s event, bumping Pembroke to take the headship on the
first day and then rowing over convincingly throughout the rest of the
week. Caius women failed to match
their male counterpart’s performance, taking spoons. Despite going
up three, Newnham will probably
have felt a similar disappointment
to that after Lent Bumps, when
a disastrous crash on the first day
prevented them from taking the
blades that looked so likely. This
time, there were no mistakes, but
they again failed to blade, coming
so close to Christ’s on the final day,
Top to bottom: Downing W1 celebrate headship; Caius M1 chase down
FaT on Thursday; FaT struggle in vain to hold off Catz on Saturday
but not close enough.
Downing M1 rose convincingly
behind Caius to second on the river,
and put in a spirited but ultimately
unsuccessful effort to challenge
Caius on Saturday. St Catharine’s
were another crew in good form,
taking blades and rising to third.
The remainder of the men’s first division was closely fought. Indeed,
the final day saw an impressive
fourteen row-overs and just two
bumps: Trinity Hall on Emmanuel
and St Catz on FaT. At the bottom
of the division was a Robinson
crew who moved up from division
two on Friday, ahead of sandwich
boat Downing II, who bumped FaT
II on Saturday to take the second division and second boat headships.
Overall, blades were awarded
to seventeen crews, (or fifteen
depending on your definition of
blades), and spoons to twenty-seven crews. Standout performances
came from Murray Edwards, who
were up eight between their two
crews (blades for their second boat
being those of the disputed kind,
since they bumped every day, but
did not bump at every opportunity).
Nevertheless, an impressive performance - as was that of Newnham - who were up ten between
their three boats. St Catz performed
well, with their men achieving the
impressive feat of blades for both
of their top two boats. Homerton
saw success too, with all of their
boats going up overall, including
blades for their men’s second crew.
There were also some standout
performances in the negative sense
– Girton M4 and Magdalene W2
were the biggest fallers, both suffering three bumps and an overbump.
Some of the bigger clubs also had
tough times. FaT suffered twentysix bumps, and made just one, leaving them down twenty-five overall
between eight boats. Lady Margaret, FaT’s traditional rivals, fared almost as badly, suffering twenty-one
bumps to one made. Meanwhile,
Jesus went down nineteen times
versus seven bumps made. In addition, unlike their women who had
a very successful bumps, Sidney
Sussex’s men’s results were mixed;
their men’s fourth boat only escaped being bumped by staying put
at the bottom of the river. Probably
the worst performance came from
Darwin, with three sets of spoons
between four crews, and just one
row-over by their women’s second
crew saving them from making it
four out of four. All in all, there was
a shake up to usual practice on the
river this May Bumps 2011: let’s
see what next year has to offer.
Now that Bumps are over, some
of the top boats are turning their attention to Henley Royal Regatta.
Six college crews, as well as the
University Lightweight club, are
entering the Temple Challenge Cup
for eights, while six college crews
and a Goldie (CUBC development
squad) boat, are entering the Prince
Albert Challenge Cup for coxed
fours. With places in the regatta
strictly limited, they will all be required to qualify in a timed processional race this Friday before the
Regatta itself the following week.
Best of luck to them all!
A Bumps Diary: From zeroes
to heroes
Eleanor Dickinson
Murray Edwards W2
Day One
The last time I was asked to write
this, I had just left the river with a
broken boat and a nice collection of
spoons. However, we Murray Edwards girls are not easily put off, and
once again I found myself on the
river waiting out those tense moments leading to the cannon blast.
And then, KABOOM! “Build one,
build two!” screams our cox Chloe
as we power through our start. Another eight builds later and I force
myself to look at the boat chasing
us. To my surprise, I see that Sidney
II are being pushed into the distance. Then during our power ten, I
hear BEEEP BEEEP and then a second later BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEEP!
We’re gaining on Darwin fast until
the whistles sound seemingly continuously in our ears (as it turns
out our Darwin’s cox did not concede until she was reprimanded
by an umpire). We bumped! After
a scramble to park, the elation hits
and for the first time I finally get to
wear some greenery!
Day Two
Spurred on by our success on day
one, and eager to taste victory
again, even the drizzling rain cannot dampen our spirits on arrival
at the boat house. After a lengthy
marshalling, we once again psyche ourselves at the starting line. A
strong start sees us rapidly gain on
Addenbrookes. A big push for ten
strokes put us hot on their tails, and
in the distance we once again hear
whistles blowing. We keep it strong
and together; not much longer than
a minute after starting, we’d done
it again! The bump puts us top of
the fourth division - we are now
the dreaded sandwich boat. Feeling a little more apprehensive, we
resolve to give it our best shot and
row to the bottom of division three.
The aim is to bump Newnham III,
and bump them quickly. Alas, it is
not to be. Newnham III bump out,
catching Jesus III very quickly. We
press on, with Clare Hall and an
overbump in our sights. However
Clare Hall also bump out, meaning a painful and demoralizing row
over for us! We keep a strong pace
and good pressure and valiantly
battle on to the finish line, facing
the grim prospect of doing that all
again tomorrow.
Day Three
Day three saw us against the wild
elements - the wet, the cold, and,
worst of all, the wind. This did not
ease our apprehension, and we prepared ourselves for another row
over. But we are made of stern stuff
and when the cannon blast comes
we fight determinedly to push the
entirety of division four away from
us. Luck is on our side today and
the bumping out of both Addenbrookes and then First and Third,
means the way was clear for us to
have a relaxed, though still strong
row, down the reach. And now for
pay back! Back to the bottom again
and now we are facing the crew,
Jesus III, whose blood we are out
for (since we can’t have Newnham
III’s). And thankfully, they offer it
readily, within a minute; we bump
once again, securing our position
in division three. And, dare I say it,
readying ourselves for blades?
Day Four
Saturday has come, and it has been
a fantastic week with both W1 and
our plucky crew set for blades. But,
we must not tempt fate, especially as
we have been warned not to expect
an easy bump. St Eddy’s have a very
fast start we’re told and we just have
to keep on them until they burn
out. Cox Chloe calms our nerves
by informing us she is going to use
her favourite call, ‘Epic Man Power’,
as we’re about to bump, hoping that
we’ll be too knackered to burst into
hysterics. Nervous and buzzing, but
ready, we are pushed out into the
river for the last time. BOOM! We
begin our builds, pushing stronger
than ever before. Chloe screams
at us: “Push for blades, push for
blades!”. One whistle, two whistles then HOLD IT UP. Confused
and not quite sure what has just
happened, we hurriedly drive our
blades into the water. After only
40 seconds and only two whistles,
we’ve done it (apparently St Eddy’s
all but came to a stop after a pretty
hefty crab). And we have blades!
Decked in greenery, and with the
MECBC flag on a stick (in absence
of a pole), we embark upon a victorious row of honour and arrive
back at the boat house for a bit of
celebratory cox launching. And to
add further to our joy, we hear W1
have also bumped for blades! Epic
women power!
The
CambridgeStudent
SPORT
Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Po-low as Light Blues taste defeat
Errant Bumps
rowers face wrath
of umpires
All images: David Hardeman
Tom Smith
Sports Editor
Oxford
5
Cambridge
4
Charlotte Callinan
Guards Polo Club welcomed a host
of tweed and cream on Saturday 11th
June for the 5th annual Varsity Polo
match. Sponsors Jack Wills promised
the “heritage and tradition of university sport with the messiness that
goes with 7000 students.”
As the gates opened at midday, crowds flocked in with picnics
adorned with everything from M&S
savories to the casual bottle of champers, while a red Pimms bus kept the
alcohol flowing. Bands started up in
the ‘Tee Pee’ tent from midday and,
with the sun out in all its glory, the
scene looked every inch the quintessential British picnic.
It looked every inch
the quintessential
British picnic.
At 3pm the sport got underway as
prestigious schools Eton and Harrow
clashed. The teams seemed closely
matched in the first half, exchanging
goals until the final chukkas, when
Eton edged ahead, ultimately winning by 5 goals to 3.5, with the final
goal scored in the last ten seconds of
play.
Next came the climax of the day.
The determination of the two Blues
teams was palpable on the sidelines,
where a good turnout of supporters
from both universities gathered to
cheer on their sides. The first of the
eight chukkas saw Oxford player
Maximillian Kirchhoff fall from his
horse, but both were unharmed and
play was resumed. Cambridge dominated the play early on but failed to
convert their chances, and it continued to be uncertain who would
tip the balance of the two teams’
close history; with the record standing at 54 wins for Oxford and 53 for
Cambridge, a win for the Light Blues
would even up the ancient rivalry.
But, after the first chukka, Oxford
really got into the swing of things,
scoring a minute into the second
chukka and then converting a subsequent penalty to give themselves
a 2-0 lead. Cambridge didn’t back
down, however, and Jamie Hepburn
in particular continued to apply pres-
Page 28 - What can Facebook tell us about
sports fans?
Page 29 - Men’s Varsity Foot
ball
Page 29 - Men’s Twenty20
Varsity Cricket
Page 30 - Lent Bumps
sure, but Oxford scored again to take
a 3-0 lead, and added a fourth before
the end of the second chukka. A successful penalty for the Light Blues
from sixty yards, however, allowed
Cambridge to begin to close the gap
in the third.
After a slight delay due to a rogue
plastic bag which distracted the field
and required the refs on foot to bring
it under control, the fourth chukka
got under way with a score for Oxford
from Kirchhoff. Hepburn quickly retaliated, however, scoring for Cambridge to take the score to 5-2, as the
game seemingly became dominated
by these two players.
The determination
of the two teams was
palpable.
In the second half, play evened out
as the Light Blues kept up the pressure, with Alex Rose coming to the
fore, and Cambridge soon pegged
another goal back. As the rain greeted the end of the match and the commentator applauded the “tremendous performance by Cambridge,”
however, the match had finished with
the score resting at a 5-4 victory for
Oxford.
It seemed a pathetic fallacy that
the trophy was awarded to Oxford in
torrential rain but, as a consolation,
Cambridge’s Jamie Hepburn was
awarded most valuable player.
The day continued with the match
between Harvard and Yale, with Yale
coming out 4-3 winners.
The Cambridge University Combined Boat Clubs have published
a list of offences for which college
boats participating in May Bumps
last week were fined, some of which
make for insteresting reading.
CUCBC Secretary Dan Wilkins
admitted that although safety was
of paramount concern for the club
and thus the punishments had a serious underlying purpose, some were
at the same time “minor jokes” and
reflected the fun of Bumps. This is
certainly borne out in some of the
offences listed and the punishments
imposed for them.
Magdelene W1 were sentenced to
“chopping wood” having been accused of “excessive deforestation” as
they uprooted most of a tree in order
to celebrate their bump on Friday.
Addenbrooke’s M1 were meanwhile
rapped for “waving during the race”
on Saturday, although being overbumped was deemed punishment
enough for them. Even those involved in race control were not immune from castigation, suffering the
replacement of their Jaffa Cake supply with dog biscuits for the somewhat strange offence of “adopting
a puppy;” officials at the desk took
in a stray dog, which has now been
handed over to animal rescue.
Some punishments
were “minor jokes.”
These were among the more unusual of a long list of punishments,
most of which were fines of between
£15 and £100, the latter imposed just
once, on Caius M3 for “dangerous
coxing” on Wednesday; the cox in
question was subsequently removed
from the competition. Failure to clear
following a bump, oversized bank
parties (four is the official limit),
missing marshalling times, dropped
bungs, and failure to concede (Darwin W2 were even deemed to have
made a “very late concession” on
Wednesday), were common offences. Emma M3 were meanwhile fined
for forgetting their life-jackets, while
Queens’ M4 were chastised for an
“early celebration” on Saturday.
Swearing is clearly not something
tolerated on the Cam either, as fourboats were fined between £20 and
£30 for “foul language” or, indeed,
“foul and abusive language.” Christ’s
M4 were fined twice for their curses,
on Wednesday and Friday, while the
description of Christ’s W3’s offence
on Wednesday added that they were
caught “responding in kind by megaphone” - obviously the organisers
were not amused as members of the
public looked on.
CUCBC do say, however, that all
fines can be appealed by e-mailing
Dr Holly Hedgeland, the senior treasurer, within 48 hours.